#and getting yelled at to come back to earth
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emacrow · 10 hours ago
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Siren song of Space by emacrow/the og prompt creator
The assignment has gone all type of wrong for the justice league.
They were investigating a mass sudden disappears of a town called Amity Park after finding out a neglectful person(*cough cough* flash*cough*) thought they were prank calling about ghosts and some group called GIW until John Constantine heard one of the voicemails.
The area where Amity Park was now a Mass ocean that looked like galaxy was dipped into it even if it was daytime and fog covered the greenish tint sky inside the Barrier.
This was deep world ending shit, but unfortunately, none of the adults could even enter at all nor high tech ships not even John constantine could pass through, but old wooden ships with food supples can easily slipped through, along with the except J'onn.
Who tried float a foot deeper in without gripping his head from the pure mass empathetic overload and pushed back out by an unknown force, going through an internal shock until one curious Robin tried stepping a foot in and successfully went through, stepping on the ship easily.
Seeing that only kids and teenagers could go leads to mass arguments between the Justice league until John cut in that the abnormal sea space dome is expanding, sucking in more ground until the very earth itself is swallowed whole.
Grumbly, internally, Batman called in the young justice league, teen titans, and a few robins to find what had happened and come back in 1 hour.
Now, the entire young justice league, main teen titans, and robins were on a wooden ship sail into the space like sea.
Cyborg and blue beetle had to stay behind due to being mostly technology along with miss Martian who might also had the dame reaction as J'onn earlier as Red Robins pulled the sail with a compass, Starfire, Raven, Super girl, Super boy and Tranformed eagle Beastboy flies around as the scout.
Aqualad couldn't get in the water the moment he tried to stick his head only to immediately pull away gasping for air. This water was too dense yet suffocating like space itself submerged in it.
Kid flash helps around with arrangements, tying up knots and untying when the wind blown hard with the help of bat girl, robin, and Artemis
The only sound they could hear was the sea roaring, the ship creaking with each wave they sail over, and an odd electric sound buzzing around, as the ominous greenish fog seemed to roll in.
Starfire, Super Boy, Super girl, Raven, and Beastboy flies back onto the ship the moment their vision was blurring by the Fogs. Super boy and girl couldn't detect any other elses' heartbeats others than their group, and that alone sent chills of what could have happened to the Amity Park residents.
The sense of danger was shivering up everyone's backs as they could hear a voice, low and quiet, that began to grow louder.
Beautiful like yet haunting young male voice that nearly pulled their attention towards as Raven yelled at them to cover their ears with ears plugs from one of the wooden boxes now.
Something massive white was swimming in the star filled sea near their ship.
There couldn't be anything alive in this sea, but their eyes couldn't betray what they have saw.
It was humanoid, with multiple arms with webbed fingers with white massive hair longer then foot ball station, a large slender body that had thousands upon thousands of green spots and hundreds scars too neat and professional align to be normal cut and a very long tail with shredded fins.
Super boy and Girl eyes widen seeing that the green spot weren't for show as they were bubbles with people sleeping, encased, young and old, most of them were green colored or off color humaniod while the rest were living human people asleep.
They all kept their ears shut with the ear plugs, But super boy and Girl could still hear the most beautiful yet haunting voice that sound like a Siren enchanting his neck victim.
Red Robin could see Super boy swaying in a dazed like state while Super girl looking enchanted nearly floating, motion the others to help tied the two to the pole with lightly laced Kyptonite rope to stop them from going over board toward the Entity.
Raven could see that this was likely the Entity that trapped the Residents of Amity parks, but the questions remains as how it got here and why this space dome was here.
Bat girl was signing that this creature seemed desperate, hurt, confused, traumatized, hopelessly scared, yet dazed in some typed of trance like over protective like state.
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izurelia · 3 days ago
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MIDNIGHT RAIN
p a r t 1
wc: 937
warnings: fluff, a little bit of angst
•••
it was the first day of summer, school had ended about three hours ago, and all you had done was sit on the doc in your backyard. as you let the wind blow through your long blonde hair, you took in the true beauty of the outerbanks. but your thoughts were interrupted by a call.
you picked up your phone and read the caller id: rafe 🤍. you quickly clicked the green button on your phone.
"hey, what's up?"
"are you coming with us?"
"coming where, exactly?" you laughed as you swayed your feet on the edge of the doc.
"to the boneyard, obviously. dont tell me you forgot, we've been talking about this all day!" there's a faint hum in the back ground of music and a running car.
"also me and kelce are already here, we're gonna pick top up on the way back."
"seriously rafe! i'm not ready im on the doc right now." you say as you quickly stand up, walking back to your house.
"well hurry up princess, we don't have all night." and with that he hung up, causing you to let out a groan as you walked back to your house.
•••
after about 15 minutes you were dressed and ready, wearing a short jean skirt and a red lacey tube top paired with birkenstocks. you quickly made your way over to the car and opened the passenger door, throwing your purse onto the car floor.
"the fuck are you wearing?" rafe turns to you, giving you a disgusted look.
"whats wrong with it? it's cute." you say, furrowing your eyebrows. rafe's mouth slightly drops, looking at you as if you were the most stupid person on earth.
"whats wrong with it? it looks like your wearing a fucken' napkin!" he slightly yells. "you're not goin' out like that." he turns the car off, waiting for you to get out and change.
you scoff and stare at him in disbelief. "i'm not changing rafe, it's already seven! can we please just go!"
"y'know what- fine. but your wearin' this." he takes his jacket from the backseat and shoves it into your chest. you reluctantly take the jacket, rolling your eyes at him and turn to face out the window.
rafe sighs, feeling sorry for yelling. "i'm sorry. i didn't mean to yell, okay? you want aux?" he holds the cord up for you even though you weren't facing him.
"no."
he furrows his eyebrows, confused. "come on, baby. you always want aux." he places his hand on your bare thigh. you turn to face him, seeing the sorry look on his face and giving in. 
you try to compress the smile creeping through your lips, but it's almost impossible. "fine." you give in, reaching for the cord and plugging it into your phone.
"knew you couldn't stay mad at me for too long." he smirks, kissing your cheek as you choose a song.
•••
during the party you distanced yourself from rafe, mostly hanging out with sarah and some of your shared friends.
the group of girls talking about boyfriends, crushes, ect. you mostly stayed quiet though. you had never had a boyfriend. yes, you had kissed people and you weren't a virgin. but the boys never stayed around long enough. you didn't know why. you always thought it was something you did.
"so scarlett, you and rafe together?" your friend lucy asked with a smirk on her face as she raised her eyebrows up and down, eliciting a few laughs from the group. "no, no. we're just friends." you smiled sweetly at her, though she didn't seem to believe you.
"you sure? cause the way he looks at you... god i would die for a man to look at me that way." she sighs turning to look at rafe who was engaged in a conversation with topper and kelce.
"yeah, im sure."
•••
after a few more hours the party started to die down, you met with rafe so that he could drive you home. "hey." he greeted you, wrapping and arm around your shoulder. you smiled up at him, relaxing under his touch.
"why don't you spend the night at mine? it pretty late and i don't want to wake up your mom." he suggested, already knowing what your answer was.
"yeah, i'm fine with that." it was normal for you to spend the night at tanney hill, whether you were with sarah or rafe, you were constantly there.
when you arrived at the house you made your way up to rafe's room, throwing yourself onto his king size bed. you immediately melted into his navy sheets, his cologne embracing you. he threw an old t-shirt at you, telling you to get changed.
you made your way into his bathroom, changing then taking off your mascara. you went back into his room and climbed into bed next to him, snuggling into his embrace.
your head rested on his soft-but-hard chest and your legs became tangled with his. he loved this. these moments where it was just you and him. he may not be able to have you as his girlfriend, but he got to have you as his bestfriend. and he dreamed of the day you gave in, letting him have you as truly his.
you quickly drifted into sleep as rafe placed a kiss on the top of your head and snapped a quick photo, one that he'll probably post later. mostly to remind all the boys on the island who you really belonged to.
~
a/n: i did not proof read one bit!! next chapter coming soon...!
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hippolotamus · 2 days ago
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"How can you act like nothing happened?" + buddie if it inspires u <3333
Hi, April! Indeed it did inspire (just took a hot second to get all the details and i hope you like it) 💖🫶
What happens to them after? Buck had asked Dr. Salazar. They just go back to their same old lives? Go back to being the same old people? 
Some do.
When he was in her office, posing that question, he doesn’t even consciously know if he had Eddie’s experience in mind. Well, one of Eddie’s experiences. 
The soul shifting instance of Eddie falling in the middle of the street like a ragdoll. Not to mention the others. Eddie being buried alive under forty feet of earth. Eddie being trapped in a burning house, surrounded by fire on all sides. 
Buck’s had his fair share of near misses, they all have. So why does Eddie’s nonchalance bother him so much now? Is it because this time Buck actually died? For ‘three minutes and seventeen seconds’, Eddie corrected Chief Williams. He previously told Buck ‘you think you’re expendable, but you’re wrong’.
One time Buck asks what death was like for Eddie, and he answers as casually as if Buck asked about his day. 
Then I thought ‘this is it’. This is the last moment of my life. He shrugged. Then I woke up in the hospital.
Buck barges through the front door. No knocking, no checking if Eddie has company. He finds him folding towels at the dining room table, humming to himself. 
“Hey, Buck. Wasn’t expecting you… today.” Eddie trails off as he notices Buck’s demeanor.
“How can you act like nothing happened?” 
“Excuse me?” Eddie pinches his brows together in that way that Buck knows he’s flipping through a mental rolodex of recent memories. “Is this about the casserole last week? Because of the-”
“What? What about the- you know what? Nevermind, that’s not why I’m here.” Buck folds his arms across his chest, adding, “But we’ll come back to that.”
Eddie nods slowly, hand drifting to the laundry basket to pick up the next towel. “So, why are you here?”
“Because, Eddie. You told me I wasn’t expendable. You made me Christopher’s legal guardian if something happens to you.” He sniffs, angry that his emotions are choosing now to break loose, after weeks of feeling numb. “For Christ’s sake, you knew exactly how long I was dead.”
The assertion makes Eddie flinch, makes him stare a hole into the floor, astutely avoiding Buck’s gaze. 
“But you- you never wanna talk about it. Not when it comes to you.”
“Maybe,” Eddie’s tongue darts out to wet his lips, he cocks his head in annoyance, and Buck knows he’s onto something. He’s struck a nerve. “Maybe, because there’s nothing to talk about.”
“Oh no? Y- you get shot down in Afghanistan, buried alive, shot again in LA, have a fucking breakdown and there’s nothing to talk about?” Buck steps forward, standing directly in front of his best friend, forcing him to look up. “Okay, well what about Chris needing therapy after the tsunami? Huh? What about going to dispatch because – you thought – Chris didn’t want you to be a firefighter anymore? Hell, that eventually got you to patch things up with your old man. But all those other things? Just another day in the life of Eddie Diaz. No need to stick around, folks, nothing happening here.” 
“Christopher is different, Buck. He’s my son.”
“And you’re my best friend. My partner.” My person, he doesn’t say, wiping away the tears rolling down his cheeks. “Doesn’t that mean anything? We’re all just supposed to deal with it if it’s you, and pretend to live our same old lives?”
Eddie purses his lips, backs away. He doesn’t even look in Buck’s direction when he says, “Please leave.”
Buck freezes. “What?”
“Get out, Buck. Before I do say something and we both regret it.”
He could fight back, keep prodding at the singular bruise spread across both of them. He wants to, wants Eddie to yell and scream. Something. Anything. In the end Buck isn’t sure why he doesn’t. All he knows is that in the space of a breath all the fight leaves him. All the fire and outrage deflates, making him feel emptier than before. 
When he reaches the front door, Eddie still won’t look at him. So he listens and turns the handle, walks over the threshold. He keeps going until he reaches the jeep, until he’s sitting in the driver’s seat, until he’s several streets away and sure no one will see him. Then he crumbles. He falls apart, wracked with sobs he knows will leave his body hollow and aching later. 
And he wonders- should he have kept pretending, too?
send an angsty prompt
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sadiiomane10 · 1 year ago
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I'm exhausted but what is sleep when my brain doesn't shut the fuck up
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al-luviec · 3 months ago
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still haven't moved on from zane in this episode (aka I hit tag limit again and am unhappy about it)
#alek insanity#not gonna main tag this but prepare for a tiny rant#home is actually really good zane characterization and its super cool to me how it holds up to this day#s1 characterization is very specific to me because the behaviors displayed by the ninja there (mostly) isnt bc thats how they really are but#its due to societal pressure. cole originally being more 'stone faced tough guy' -> 'down to earth' -> 'really sensible easy to talk to guy'#is because hes always been a sensitive guy... but he felt he couldnt express that true version of himself. thats the whole thing behind his#true potential. jay going from s1 -> s6 -> now is less of societal pressure and more teenager figuring himself out but it still applies. ish#seeing how much the ninja have changed or grown from then to now is amazing because back then they all wore masks. they didnt know each#other all that well. but theyve gained that comfortability with each other and also have grown and matured as people#some seasons / eps characterization for certain people im not a fan of (lloyds random misogyny arc in s13) but i mean the overall trend here#and then there is zane. zane in home was pretty dead on to how he behaves now (at least... when it comes to his faults?) and i dont want to#say people skim over that but i am the sf proclaimed n1 s1e2 fan and overthink every scene. zane's early characterization is some of my fav#for him period. he also goes through a ton of traumatic stuff and a ton of bad writing bouts but why he acts so 'weird' or 'distant' has#always been a thread sewn in. he changed so much he stayed the same in a way... if that makes sense. -> ohhh the ninja get mail and he#doesnt? oh he has no family? he quite literally walks away from that situation. oh the ninja are yelling in his face and asking whats wrong#with him? he literally walks away from that situation. he says its to follow the falcon but seeing how he apologized to them by not only#baking a ton of pies (cough... the food fight is what led to him leaving at first) but he also found them a whole entire new house.#zane is unable to truly value what he does for others. insert him in s11 saying he 'tried' to fufill his goal of protecting others.#everything he has ever done still isnt good enough. then the ninja tried to apologize and he didnt really... let them.#that one post about characters putting on facades and that facade being how people really see them. even in fandom. thats zane to me#the guy who lies about being upset and avoids his problems ran away after being yelled at? and he said he wasnt really mad? that is a lie!!#him being a ~360 when it comes to his character development is neat to me because he never hid behind a mask in the same way the others did#cole wanting to seem tough vs being really soft? kai wanting approval so bad he starts being selfish? kai isnt selfish usually!#he is self centered but that is a whole different thing. just wanting to fit in and breaking free of that. zane's true potential came in the#form of 'i finally know why i am not normal' instead of 'i will be my true self'. zane never pretended to not be weird#(instert book) states he literally didnt know why people got mad at him. he just existed and it was 'wrong'. the mask he hid behind was#avoidance. he was pretty open about how he actually was (most of the time). when he was upset he would audibly sigh and walk away lol#but for him saying he wasnt upset / saddened by the ninja... it felt like a moment of selflessness. if that makes sense. he blamed himself#for the monestary burning down. so he didnt deserve the apologies (ish) in the virtues of spinjitzu zane is shown as the generous one iirc#he puts the needs of others over his own. he will bear whatever burden he needs if others are happy. at that same time he doesnt allow
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robinsnest2111 · 6 months ago
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great. nightmares about my fuck up as soon as i close my eyes 👍
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solar-halos · 4 months ago
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🔥?
okay i know this isn’t the answer u were looking for but i just clocked out of the worst shift of my life so this is just on my mind rn:
if ur rude to service workers i genuinely think something is fucking wrong w you and u need to take time out of ur day to self reflect and figure out how to fix that about yourself. like just cos the Bitch Factory is open that doesn’t mean u have to fucking clock in i don’t care how hungry u are or if ur goldfish died or if u got hit by a fucking bus. you’re an adult—learn how to control your fucking temper
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cidnangarlond · 1 month ago
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trying to figure out what happened to you as a child is so fun because whenever I mess up or do something slightly wrong here I immediately jump to "she's angry at me so I'm not going be given dinner tonight because I don't deserve it because I did something bad and wrong and bad" and it's like okay. so when did this happen to me. in my childhood.
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orcelito · 6 months ago
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ok i am actually so very angry and there's literally nothing i can do to fix it. life keeps going on. she might even be happy. and fuck dude, i'll make sure im happy too, i was a fully developed person before she was in my life and i'll continue to be one without her. but God Damn, the fact that she can just do something so blatantly awful and unfair to me and then run off without any actual repercussions is just so fucking rankling to me.
like perhaps she feels guilty. she said she did when it was all going down. but it was just something she "needed to do". so obviously she didn't feel guilty enough or she wouldnt have done it like that lmaoooo
i really did deserve to have a good solid yell at her. but unfortunately, by the time i did see her in person i just wanted her out of my fucking life. so. no yelling was done, unfortunately.
#speculation nation#the duality of being a deeply resentful and angry person. and being a person that Tries to be mature and peaceful.#like im not gonna actually Do shit even tho i keep wanting to message her just to yell at her some more again#it's like there's a beast in me that keeps yelling for retribution. she wronged me in such a disrespectful and humiliating way#and yet she just gets to walk away like it was nothing? live her life like it was nothing?#be in 'love' with her new 'soulmate' after cutting me off like a rotten limb?#i feel so DEEPLY angry. i want to spit vitriol and fire. i want to dig my claws into her bones. make her really FEEL how i feel.#i want to wander into her dreams and make her experience what i felt. every miserable second of silence.#the humiliation of admitting you might be falling in love only to be told you were never loved at all.#and i want to knee her in the gut and spit in her face and really make her regret ever fucking wronging me#but unfortunately im a stupid fucking pacifist so all the aggression and anger and violence has no FUCKING outlet#ive been. trying to not think about it too much. ive been trying to just live my life. because i dont want her to run my life.#but the anger keeps catching up to me. filtering in when i dont expect it. endless constant fucking thoughts coming back to me#on and on and on and on i live and i eat and i read and i game and i hate and i hate and i hate and i hate and i hate and i HATE AND I HATE#the greatest injustice is that i cannot make her truly feel every single ounce of my resentment and anger#it's so overwhelming i think i could choke on it. and she gets to live her FUCKING happy little life with her stupid fucking 'soulmate'#i hope it collapses around her and she loses her too so she's single and alone and miserable and regretting all of her fucking impulsivenes#she deserves to have it fail after what she did to me. and all i can really do is hope that karma has its fucking kiss for her.#if only curses were real. what i wouldnt give to put some energy into that karmic payback lmfao.#ok . ok ok ok ok love and peace on planet earth. i am shifting out of vitriolic little shit mode.#just had to let some of the steam out. im still angry but i am going to go back to not thinking about it.#i think i should go on a nice long bike ride tomorrow. to decompress and work some of the steam out.#it's something that she can never take from me. something that is so wholly mine. fuck that stupid bitch and fuck her new girlfriend too#...............................ok NOW im shifting out of vitriolic mode. lol#negative/#WAHOOOOOO i am certainly not taking this breakup well. but i dont think anyone would be lmfao.#all things considered i think im doing a pretty great job at handling this breakup.#bc at least im only recounting unrealistic threats and fantasies on my tumblr dot com instead of messaging Any of this to her.#i may kinda want her to read it so that she knows anyways. but i wont message her directly. bc i am Trying to be at least a little mature.#complaining on my tumblr dot com so i dont message my ex with more vitriol. gotta cope Somehow.
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starzalign · 1 year ago
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Rant timeeee.
Theres nothing more insulting than someone assuming you have low standards…like why do men punch above their weight SO BADLY??? I want and am gonna get a man thats a hardworking, educated, comes frm a good family & one thats kind and generous. Yet these dudes think they can not be educated, make money, or provide anything but d and I’ll want them
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inmirova · 3 months ago
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"it's easier to leave an abusive situation than it is to stop an abuser" :^( but it's not easy :^(
#repeating patterns repeating patterns repeating patterns repeating patterns#im not unsafe btw just. :^) scared :^)#tired.#starting to stop walking on eggshells kind of. in a cowardly way. like responding some of my real thoughts but at 4am#i want to scream. im not like that but i want to yell and tell her to leave me alone forever and i just want to be able to rest !#and to not be afraid. i want to move. i want to drop off the face of the earth. i want to go to bed. i want to stay awake and on guard.#idk. im tired. im so tired and i want it to stop. it's not even a big deal.#the thinly veiled insults bother me more than anything else. insult sandwich on compliment bread.#im so pretty im so stupid im so funny. im smart im too insecure im beautiful. im the most interesting person she knows im evil im talented#it's not even the worst thing it just pisses me off so much. do you think this is helpful to say? do you think this is normal?#do you think you'll get what you want insulting and belittling me as long as you tell me you think im attractive?#it's always how pretty i am. like some superficial bullshit is going to make up for an insult or make the insult disappear#and everyone else gets to leave but if i leave she'll die and it'll be all my fault and this is just like x y or z#and didnt i know she almost experienced trauma as a child but didnt? and how that effects her?#fuck. i hope she sees this tbh. how fucking insulting to see something someone's experienced and say that couldve maybe happened to me#but the person who couldve done it lives in another country and never came here.#what the fuck. what the fuck.#so it didnt happen to you? you cant lay claim to it at all? yet you think you understand me or that even if it did happen it's all the same#im going to lose my mind. im so. fucking. over it. but im a coward and i dont want her to die so ill grin and bear it.#and she'll tear out all my skin and ask if it's a little too much and ill say it's fine and she'll say im so gorgeous but i'm disgusting#but at least im kind. and ill say okay. because if i say anything else it's a threat on her fucking life.#tbh im only posting this now bc i know no one will likely read it. perpetual coward when it comes to this shit#because if i tell someone the full extent they'll ask why i didn't leave sooner. but i did!#i left and i got bombarded and overwhelmed and i was so tired of being scared of running into her everywhere#and i just. eased back in. and said it would be less this time. and it is so much more. it is so much worse.#ive lived in that fear before and i was so tired of it. it was a big reason i moved so far for college. and i cant just run away#so this seemed better. but it's so much worse. id rather hide every day of my life. keep an eye out everywhere and run away.#it wasnt so bad really. it was tedious and nauseating and i only ever explained it to one person. but it wasnt impossible.#this is much closer to impossible. this is soul crushing every day. and the things she does arent even as bad i dont think#it just doesnt stop. at least in high school i eventually got it to stop. i just had to be avoidant. this. wont stop.
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jackdawsfavorite · 3 months ago
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I just fucked up a road paving project because I thought the workers yelling at me not to were unrelated people fucking with me and I can’t even explain myself because that sounds insane.
#If i have learned one thing in my time on this earth it’s that sometimes people you don’t or barely know#Will try to joke with you by saying something false and then laughing#If I had a nickel for every time a man has said something like ‘’oh no don’t do that!!’’ when I’m about to like. put something down#somewhere and then laughed at me because he was joking…anyway#I’m bringing my cat back from the vet having parked away from the roadwork and between me and my driveway is a gunked up road#I look up and down the street and don’t see a way around or through. There’s a shadow of boot prints already crossing the narrowest point.#And the letters we got said not to drive our cars in the cone zone but never said anything about walking.#So I go to experimentally touch the edge with my toe and hear ‘’No! No!!’’#It’s one of two slightly older men who’d been hanging around about half a block away. I look at them and#the other one says ‘’Absolutely not!’’ but they’re both grinning at me like. well#I thought like people grin when they’re fucking with me. Like how people have grinned when they’ve been fucking with me.#And they were just wearing tshirts and jeans no vests or anything and with context they were clearly on their lunch break or something but#I put the pieces together wrong and got ‘’random neighbors saw me acting unsure and decided to yell discouraging shit at me#(common older-than-me male behavior)’’#So I said something back (don’t remember what) and crossed at the narrow point.#Did my feet take huge chunks of half wet tar with them? I don’t know. Couldn’t see my feet around the cat crate.#And then when I was across the road and well back on allowed ground I heard one of them who had moved to be more in a direct line behind me#bellow ‘’GET OFF THE ROAD’’#and I thought ‘’Okay definitely fucking with me because I’m not even in the road anymore.’’#But I guess that was an expression of frustration if not an applicable instruction because they’re gonna have to#come back and re do it tomorrow because they were not fucking with me and I was not supposed to walk on the road.#Fuuuuuuck me#I feel so foolish and embarrassed#I came to such an unreasonable conclusion#I’m sorry#memories
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suksatoru · 30 days ago
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𝝑𝑒 katsuki finds out what you've been drawing in your sketchbook all the time...and to say he's surprised is an understatement.
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"y/n."
"hmm?"
your boyfriend lets out a sharp growl, his hands practically itching to reach out and snatch the sketchbook out of your hands
"let me see."
you don't respond, brows pinched together in concentration as you alternate between looking at the charcoal in your hands to katsuki's adorable pout
"you need to wait a little longer...not my fault you're so pretty."
he lets out an embarrassed groan, dragging his calloused palm down his face as he flops face first onto your bed. you let out a whine in protest, slapping his arm
"ow!" you huff, silently scolding yourself for hitting the hard, packed muscle beneath his shirt. he smirks a little bit at your reaction, rolling onto his back and making a show of flexing his muscles as he stretches his arms with a loud yawn
"ya took forever. now, show me what you made." he demands, sitting up expectedly with narrowed eyes
katsuki had been dragged from the common room all the way up to your dorm in a matter of minutes. he'd gladly be dragged by you to the ends of the earth, but he was beyond confused when you ordered him to sit down on your bed and stay still. all until you pulled out your sketchbook.
the light bulb in his mind switched on, and with a quiet "ah", he complied, listening to you quietly chat about anything and everything that came to your mind as you scribbled away in your sketchbook
katsuki has seen you carrying it around a lot. you always kept it tucked under your arm even as you travelled from class to class—never apart. it had, simply put, become an extension to your body at this point
of course he's wanted to take a peak in there. and about a dozen times katsuki tried to—but each time ended with him getting beat with your pillows and plushies as you shoved him out of your dorm, slamming the door on him as he laid in the hall, rubbing his head and silently cursing himself for getting caught once again.
he had kept still and quiet for you while you drew because this was....out of the ordinary. you never really did open your sketchbook in front of him—but here you were now, fingers smudging the paper as you smile sheepishly
"promise you won't laugh?"
he rolls his eyes, trying to keep his usual facade up so you don't detect even a hint of the nervousness he felt
"course i won't. now, either you show me—or i'm taking that damned book from your hands and—"
he's cut off when you suddenly raise it from your lap. pages rustle together as you flip it towards him, hands gripping the edges of your most prized possession as you squeeze your eyes shut and await his reaction
katsuki, was for once, stunned into silence. his eyes trailed over the strokes and marks on the paper, your finger imprints pressed all over the paper from the charcoal—
but what you've drawn is undeniably him.
it's not what he'd expected at all. it's him but...it's not from katsuki's view. it's not the mean face he saw in the mirror everyday. the usual scowl that seemed to be a permanent resident on his face was replaced with a soft smile in your drawing
his eyes were lighter, softer. his cheeks were round and full of boyish youth as he smiled. it was beautiful. he was. he feels his heart stutter in his chest as he slowly takes the sketchbook from your hands, eyes glued to page
"hold on suki—"
he begins flipping. flipping and flipping and flipping and it's all him. katsuki sleeping, katsuki yelling and a frightened little izuku scribbled into the corner of the page—katsuki cooking, katsuki in his hero suit, katsuki—
you suddenly tackle him, and with a yelp—both of you tumble off of your bed and onto the floor. unfortunately, his grip on the book loosens for a mere instant, and you're able to snatch it out of his grip and throw it onto your bed from where the two of you laid on the floor
his lips are parted, but not a sound comes out. his eyes are like the drawing you had just made—soft and gentle and round as he stares up at you.
you're so embarrassed you can barely stand to look him in the eye, resorting to tucking your face into the space between his neck and shoulder with an embarrassed groan
"asshole...you weren't supposed to flip..." you murmur, and katsuki thinks you look pretty with your cheeks flushed and tinted like this. his chest falls and rises slowly, and he made no move to get up off the floor as you caged him there—refusing to let him get up.
"i....gah say something you jerk! you can't humiliate me like that and then get all quiet!" you whine, your voice embarrassed and pitched and katsuki can't even stop himself from grabbing hold of the back of your neck and crashing his lips into yours
he pulls your entire body against him, wrapping a single arm around your waist before he rolls the two of you over and flipping your positions—he hovers over you, pulling away from the kiss just to press another one onto your forehead
"you fucking dumbass...why'd you go and waste so many pages on me..." he mumbles, grabbing your charcoal covered hands as he presses a soft kiss onto your finger tips. you smile bashfully at the smeared streaks of color on his face
"you're my muse." you state simply
his eyes are lined with tears, and his grin is wide and toothy—you want to capture this moment in your pages, the shine in his eyes and the way his lips curled, all of it.
you decide you'll have to draw this particular katsuki later, because he's suddenly launching an attack on you—a flurry of kisses being pressed all over your face and neck and just about any bit of skin he could find as he laughs at the sound of your sweet squeals—music to his ears.
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psalmsofpsychosis · 1 year ago
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[ angry rant ahead ]
you know, i usually dont talk to other people much in real life right now, even less so on the internet, it takes a lot to get me on the case of disco horses and other variants of supposed "discussions". It's a strange thing because i'm actually a quite talkative person, but also in the recent 5-6 years any and every kind of expression i've had, no matter how mild or colorful it was, people [who had already decided they hated my guts] used as an excuse to justify why "they were leaving me behind". It was always my fault that i was being treated like shit; they were just reacting sensibly to me being a fuckhead.
So i learnt to control and manage and frame and reframe my expression, not because i wanted to and liked it, but because of necessity— you can only afford to be left behind so many times before it starts damaging you emotionally, mentally, and physically in many aspects.
And i actually started developing severe physical symptoms because of how much i curated and leashed in my self expression— eating up 3/4th of what i actually wanted to say and spend so much fucking energy trying to script my thoughts and opinions in a way that would be oh so accomodating and considerate and soft-spoken and mild and non-threatening and harmless and agreeable so paper-skin-and-glass-bones fuckers online and offline dont feel threatened and start crying, or start biting me for "being rude" when all i did was to literally just open my mouth and form one or two sentences.
And i'm so insanely resentful about this. I'm resentful about constantly self censoring and watering down my expressions and forcing myself down to the level of other people the way grown ups squat to talk to a child so the child feels less threatened. Constantly writing and rewriting what i want to say so it's not "too antagonistic, too angry, too vicious, too confident, too anything" —"make it friendly, light, no-big-deal, agreeable, appropriate, acceptable to the rock bottom level boundaries of this context," the voice in my head says— when the truth is, i'm so so so much more than anything i've ever shown to people online and offline in the past 6 years. I'm full of hatred and rage and i'm shameless and i enjoy it too, i can hurt people terribly and i'm good at it and this is why i'm hellbent on kindness. It's a choice, i wake up and i make this choice every fucking day, and i dont like being taken for granted. I dont think most people truly understand what "where the light is brightest the shadows run deep" means, like no, you dont understand the depth of how fucked up i can be, you take my joy and delight for granted, and you cannot live up to either. You're not my equal on either front and you lack the substance it takes to mirror my happiness or my rage– and i get very irritated when people think they're on the same ground with me, "we're so alike!" no we're not, you just feel connected to the super mega easy digestable non-threatening responses i craft for you because i know you can't handle any more than this without having a mental breakdown and making me mom you.
Like, i solid feel like everytime i want to talk i have to put on kiddie gloves and do the kiddie talk, patting people's heads like "dont be scared, dont be scared, i'm a friend, no need to panic, now we're gonna play a game in which i give you super easy hints on life being more complex and deeper than you percieve it on a surface level and you proceed to think about that for 5 seconds everyday, easy, easy." Because that's what they are to me, children. I feel like i'm talking to children all the time, and no it's not about age, it's about the way most people are so incredibly shallow and superficial and simplistic and are so depth-averse it's kinda astounishing??? Like you'll find them hanging 6475378 adornments from every branch of a tree and thinking a tree is "a collection of leaves" and they never see the roots, or water them.
And yeah i'm so incredibly resentful about all of it. I feel like i put people in cute fun little floaties in the shallow end of the pool and stay with them and we play simple games and splash water at each other and they dont know the deep end of the pool exists, they dont care, they think everyone and them and me are kiddies playing in the shallow part, "oh you're just like me, we're all the same and having so much fun here," no, i'm so much more than you at any given point in this interaction, and what you sound like to me is a child mistaking their mother as "another playmate in the kindergarten".
And i'm super fucking tired of defanging and declawing my expression all the time so i dont spook the little dainty shallow people inside or outside my phone. "but they'll get scared and they'll leave!" and you know what? good. I want them to get very, very scared. And i want them to fucking run. I'm tired of trying to cater to simple people who i dont give a fuck about, people who are merely contemplating whether i'm worth loving or not. You walk into a haunted house only when you love ghosts and want to see one, this is not a space for the faint of heart. i am not a space for the faint of heart.
#half the stuff i want to talk about would scare you people back to the corner of your mom's bed#And everything y'all bring up is so extremely performative and hollow#and ''social points with the least amount of possible effort just to make you feel like you're included in the discussion#without having to do anything worthwhile''#it makes half this website's blood halal to me to be honest. like you're freerange low effort sport hunt material to me#but i wont talk. because it's not fun or productive or meaningful in anyway to yell at children#but i miss being around actual grown ups. people who i dont have to simplify my talks for and set the cute kidtalk voice for#''please dont be threatened i dont mean bad—'' actually feel free to get very fucking threatened.#your comfort comes at the expense of mine and it means nothing to me.#at least i can enjoy your bland socially acceptable fear as you make a run for it#it's not like your lukewarm neutered ''somewhat interested'' kind of joy does anything for me either#because the same people who feel threatened by me are the exact same people who like to watch my joy from afar#like a cute performing circus monkey#but never contribute to or add to my joy in any meaningful way.#My excitement and affection and love is also just another product for you to consume and throw in the trashcan when you're fone with it#tagging this as#ENTP#Ne-Fe#because i know the very specific portion of fuckheads on earth who will get this#but also i think at this point i'd heal on a physical level if i could meet an ENTP E8 who'd do a screaming match with me
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jeonginsleftcheek · 3 months ago
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The art of erotica
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pairing: felix x afab!reader x hyunjin
synopsis: hyunjin asks his friends to model for his paintings and things take a turn as they indulge in their fantasies.
genre: smut, fluff
word count: 6.6k
warnings: everyone is a horny desperate switch, oral (f and m), voyeurism, threesome, mxm action, fingering, a lil spit play, cockwarming, unprotected sex (wrap it up pls), double penetration (one hole), cum eating, cum swapping, creampie
a/n: can't seem to get enough of hyunlix so enjoy🤭
~ divider by @anitalenia
~ Masterlist
"Fuck...! Lixie!" you jolt, your middle lifting towards Felix's lips as he flicks his tongue in a particular way that he knows gets your toes curling.
He groans into you, the taste of you and the sounds you make, how you sit on the couch spread out for him while he kneels with his head buried where he loves to be the most; he can't help his hand as it travels into his pants, grabbing his needy leaking cock.
You're so close, his nose pressing into your clit perfectly as you play with your nipples through your thin shirt and Felix pulls his cock out to bring himself release along with you.
"I'm gonna-" you're interrupted by your phone ringing, both of you jolt and groan as Felix moves away, licking at his lips.
"Who is it?" your best friend looks up at you, a little breathless, still stroking his length slowly, squeezing it a little.
"Hyune." you chuckle.
"Answer him." Felix smirks diving back in, pushing his tongue between your soaking folds into your warmth.
You groan and accept your other best friend's call.
"Hi, beautiful." you can just hear Hyunjin's smirk by the way he says it.
"Hey, prince- ah!" you accidentally moan as Felix pinches your clit teasingly.
"Hi, Felix!" Hyunjin yells loudly, making you laugh as you move your phone away from your ear.
Felix chuckles, detaching his lips from you as you put Hyunjin on speaker so Felix can talk to him too.
"You're between y/n's legs, I presume?" Hyunjin teases.
"My favorite place to be. Care to join?" Felix claps back as you close your legs and flick his forehead.
"That's besides the point. I'm calling cause I need a favor from my two very beautiful and very horny best friends." Hyunjin announces as Felix rubs his forehead, his brows pinched together.
"I'm not filming a porn movie and putting it on the internet!" you chime in, making Hyunjin laugh.
"I wasn't gonna ask that but now that you said it-"
"Stop stalling, Hyunjin." you interrupt him and he giggles.
"Alright, since the two of you are at it anyways, I wanted to ask if you would let me paint you in different sex poses? I wanna make it aesthetic, erotic, raw... you know? You two would be perfect for it!"
Even though you and Felix messed around sometimes, you've never actually went all the way so both of your faces become red as Hyunjin explains his vision.
You've kissed Hyunjin too, as has Felix but it never went further than that so the thought of being naked with Felix inside you, while Hyunjin paints the both of you made your gut stir, arousal gushing out of your already wet pussy.
The three of you had an interesting friendship, and you know not many people would understand it or support it but as long as you have each other, you didn't care.
"Hello? Earth to my pretty people?" Hyunjin laughs.
"I'm down." you nod and then look at Felix whose face was as red as a tomato now.
"M-me too. Yeah. Why not." he shrugs, trying to make it look like it didn't affect him at all.
"Great, that's settled! Come to my studio tomorrow at 6pm." Hyunjin sounds excited.
"Sure, see you!"
"And loves?" Hyunjin adds, his voice dropping a few octaves.
"Y-yeah?" Felix speaks up first.
"Don't worry about anything. I'll take good care of you." Hyunjin almost purrs and you feel your pussy clench at his words.
After you hang up, Felix and you look at each other and then burst into an awkward laugh.
"This'll definitely be interesting." he says, a contemplative look on his face.
"Mhm. Let's think about that tomorrow, though. We have some unfinished business here." you smirk, spreading your legs again as Felix looks at you darkly, licking his lips.
Excitement runs through your veins that night as you curl up in bed, anticipating tomorrow.
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Felix drives you to the familiar building and the two of you step into the elevator, letting it take you to the top where Hyunjin's studio sits.
Hyunjin lets you in, and as always when he paints, he is messy, his hair disheveled but somehow making him even prettier, his bottom lip is red as he probably bit into it with concentration, there's a streak of yellow paint on his left cheek, and more on his shirt and pants.
"You know the rules." he wiggles his eyebrows before twirling away like some fairy, making you and Felix laugh.
The rules were simple; no shoes because they're dirty (and probably because Hyunjin likes to take peeks at your feet, sometimes even rub them when the three of you cuddle) and no phones as he felt they were an unnecessary distraction in his sacred space.
You and Felix leave your shoes and phones by the door, before following Hyunjin, walking on the plastic that's covering the floor for protection, and Hyunjin looks at you, leaving his paintbrush aside before he skips to you, his long arms enveloping both of you in a hug.
"Oof." Felix huffs out air as he accidentally knocks into Hyunjin a little too hard, making Hyunjin snicker before he leans back, his hands splayed on the backs of your heads.
"My loves. Are you excited?" he asks as you swat at him which he dodges with a laugh, finally releasing you.
"Intrigued, I would say." you smirk, both of you looking at Felix.
"I'm - a little nervous." Felix admits, a blush coloring his cheeks.
"We shared a bath multiple times." Hyunjin narrows his eyes at Felix, a playful smile gracing his features.
"This is different!" Felix swallows and you chuckle, your hand on his upper arm in an attempt to comfort him.
"It's just us, I know you'll feel better as soon as we get into it." you say, knowing that Felix isn't as spontaneous as Hyunjin or you are and it takes a little convicing when he's on the spot, but ultimately he always caves in.
"You don't have to strip right away. Here, I prepared coffee and snacks for my models." Hyunjin beckons you to the table with a smirk.
"Hardly a model." you chuckle as Felix picks up a drink.
"Y/n, you're gorgeous and you're not allowed to talk badly about yourself in my studio... or like ever." Hyunjin nods, folding his arms on his chest.
"Damn, calm down, I was joking." you giggle, your face warming up.
"Oh my god, ew! What the fuck did I just drink?" Felix makes a disgusted face and the two of you laugh.
"That would be my coffee. Your hot chocolate is on the left, sugar boy." Hyunjin smirks.
"I swear-" Felix starts, his hand curling into a fist and you laugh.
"Anyways. How will this work?" you stop whatever banter they were about to have, because you know it can drag on, sometimes they don't know how to stop when they start joking around.
"So. The bed, right?" Hyunjin says, semingly a bit bashful himself.
You look towards the bed, one where the three of you spent countless nights watching some artsy european movies on Hyunjin's projector; Felix would fall asleep with his head on your chest and Hyunjin would end up putting his head on your lap, demanding of you dramatically that you need to caress his head and play with his hair or he'll die.
The three of you would end up falling asleep together, limbs all tangled and messy, and one of you would always be close to falling off the bed (that one would mostly be Hyunjin).
"Okay." you nod.
"I will instruct what poses you'll make and then paint them. Of course we will take breaks when it becomes too much. Or stop altogether if either of you feel uncomfortable." Hyunjin waves his arms around as he talks.
"Alright. Should we just start?" you shrug and Felix sputters a little.
"I'm not hard yet." he says quietly.
"That's no problem. I'm sure y/n can help you with that." Hyunjin smirks. "Or if you want, I can help you."
"T-that... y/n and I can just make out." Felix's deep voice is so quiet in the big space.
"Okay, if you need me I'll be here. I can turn around if you want." Hyunjin chuckles.
"N-no, you can... watch." Felix says and you smirk, taking his hand and leading him to the bed.
Hyunjin sits on his stool, his eyes darkened already, his tongue pressed into his cheek as you push Felix to sit on the bed, your body following his as you grab his face in your hand and press your lips on his.
His lips are sweet and familiar, albeit trembling a little in this moment so you press harder into them, his hands coming up to caress your waist.
Hyunjin watches with dark and curious eyes, his two beautiful best friends kissing in front of him.
Felix relaxes the more you kiss, his tongue darting out to lick at your lips, asking for permission to taste you which you happily grant him.
Hyunjin's heart speeds up as he observes you, his cock twitching in his pants.
He notices the way your hands tangle in Felix's hair and how you pull at the strands, he notices Felix's hands on your ass, squeezing and massaging the flesh as you get closer to each other, the wet sounds of your tongues dancing together bounces off the walls as spit dribbles down your chin.
He notices Felix's pants growing tighter, and he doesn't feel jealous of him, he feels exhilirated.
He wants to join.
Hyunjin stands up and makes his way towards the bed, which gets your attention as you detach from each other, a string of saliva connecting your lips.
Without any words, Hyunjin cups your chin and leans down to kiss you messy and sloppy, his tongue pushed in instantly to lap at you and you whimper, jolting a little as Felix grips your thighs.
Hyunjin leans away and turns to Felix, his hand big on Felix's head as he gathers his hair in it and yanks his head a little, making Felix whimper.
Hyunjin leans down and kisses him equally as messy and sloppy as he did to you, arousal gushing on your panties as you watch them making out.
"Fuck. I'm sorry." he shakes his head.
"It's okay, Hyune. You're always welcome to join." you lick your lips, your eyes traveling between his face and the obvious bulge in his sweatpants.
"I'll hold onto that invitation. But, right now, I need you two to strip. Okay?" he asks and both of you nod.
It's easy to be naked in front of each other as you have shared baths and one too many nightly escapades which ended in skinny-dipping, Felix always being a victim of yours and Hyunjin's jokes, where you would dive in and grab his ankles or try to scare him with stories of lake monsters.
Felix would nearly cry but you didn't want to be too cruel so you would hold him, as the three of you floated around naked in the cold water.
But, something about only you and Felix being naked while Hyunjin is dressed and observing every single move you make is new and exciting.
"So, what would be the first position?" you ask curiously as Hyunjin prepares his easel.
"What do you usually do?" he asks, not looking at you.
"We never... we never did that." Felix says, making Hyunjin look up.
"Really? I thought you for sure have. Don't you like - mess around?"
"Yeah, but we never went all the way." you nod and Hyunjin gasps.
"Oh my god, why didn't you tell me! Is this uncomfortable for you?"- he panics, his arms flailing, making you laugh at him because he's seconds from slipping on that plastic cover.
"Calm down, Hyun!" you say as you sit on the bed.
"I'm totally fine with it. Lixie?" both of you look at Felix.
"Yes. I'm okay to go." he nods.
"Alright, just prep yourselves then." Hyunjin says it like it's a command to obey and you can't help the way your pussy clenches at his words and the determined look in his warm eyes.
"H-help us?" Felix gets bold suddenly, batting his pretty eyelashes at Hyunjin and he lets out a delighted chuckle, only two long strides and Hyunjin is in front of you.
"Sweetheart, spread your legs for us." Hyunjin coos at you and you immediately obey.
The smirk on his face deepens as he brings his hand to Felix's lips.
"Spit on my fingers, angel." he taps his lips and Felix whimpers a little, gathering spit before letting it drip onto Hyunjin's long fingers.
You expected him to only finger you, but what you didn't expect is for Hyunjin to drop to his knees between Felix's legs and spit on his cock as he grabs him, making Felix squeal from the sudden action.
Hyunjin wastes no time, his wet fingers press into your clit and run down your folds, as his other hand starts slowly working Felix's length.
"Ah!" Felix moans, jolting into Hyunjin, you know it must feel quite different to have another guy jerk him off like that and you whine for more attention as Hyunjin stares up at Felix with a knowing smirk.
Hyunjin turns to look at you, eyes softening before he slowly pushes his fingers inside you, your warm pussy welcoming them and sucking them in.
His tongue darts out to catch a bead of pre-cum from Felix's tip and Felix gasps, his hands clutching at the covers under him as his thighs tremble.
Hyunjin doesn't stop smirking as his tongue swipes around Felix's tip before he takes him in, hollowing his cheeks and bobbing his head up and down slowly, his fingers matching the pace of his lips as he fucks them deep into you.
"H-Hyune." you whimper, the tips of your fingers touching Felix's as he falls apart too, his head thrown back, a string of curses leaving his lips as Hyunjin sucks on him harder.
You admire how he seemingly has no gag reflex as he keeps sucking him in, his nose pressed into Felix's pubes as he swallows his whole length, while fucking your pussy skilfully, scissoring you open to take Felix's cock.
"There." he suddenly pops off of Felix, pulling his fingers out of you and immediately sticking them into his mouth to taste your sweet juices.
"Mm." Hyunjin moans around his fingers.
"T-thank you?" you bite your lip teasingly and Hyunjin giggles.
"Anytime."
"How do you want us for the first position?" you ask, your pussy throbbing and clenching, needing more attention.
"Okay, so..." Hyunjin pushes Felix to lay down and then moves him a little, making you chuckle at how Felix looks up at him cutely and almost innocently as Hyunjin adjusts his body however he wants.
"I want your arm lifted and kind of falling of the bed. And the second on will be on y/n's hip when she straddles you." Hyunjin motions at you and you nod, your legs on either sides of Felix and he squirms a little as you grab his cock and run it on your wet folds.
Felix gasps as you moan and slowly lower down on his length, Hyunjin observing his cock pushing into you with his lips parted.
You wiggle a little to adjust, feeling your best friend's cock filling you up perfectly and Felix whimpers quietly, bucking up into you.
"Where do you want my hands?" you ask, sounding almost breathless as you clench around Felix involuntarily, making his eyes flutter.
"Hm. Actually, let's change it up. I want y/n arching off you and holding your hand. So you can put this one-" Hyunjin takes the hand that was falling off the bed- "here." he lays Felix's hand on your hip.
"Your other hand here." Hyunjin takes your hand and puts it on Felix's abs but a little bit to the side so the point where you connect can still be visible to him.
"Beautiful." Hyunjin breathes deeply. "I want you looking at each other." he adds, messing with Felix's hair and then yours, making some of it cascade on one side, but not covering your breasts.
"Arch your back a little, sweetheart." you do as he says, any movement making both you and Felix moan.
"Now, stay like that as long as you can." Hyunjin smirks, almost evilly, the bastard.
He moves from the bed to blast some music on his speakers, whistling and acting nonchalant but you can see his cock struggling against the fabric of his pants.
Your eyes find Felix's and he licks his lips as he looks at you.
"You okay, Lix?" you ask, squeezing his hand a little.
"P-perfect. Feel so good. You're so warm and tight." he whimpers and you can't help your hips moving at that, your pussy clenching.
"Hey, no actual fucking." Hyunjin chimes in, knocking down a few paintbrushes accidentally. "Yet." he adds with a devilish smirk.
"Bastard." you mutter under your breath with a chuckle, making Felix smile.
"I heard that!" Hyunjin sits at his easel, and you look up at him, sticking your tongue out at him as he rolls his eyes playfully.
Hyunjin starts sketching quickly as you look back down at Felix.
The two of you lock eyes and in the sudden silence devoid of your conversation and jokes, you're aware of everything.
You're aware of Felix buried inside your warmth, throbbing and full, his fingers slotted between yours, his other hand gripping your hip, his dark eyes fixated on you.
Felix's eyes travel down to where he's filling you up and he groans deeply.
"Fuck." his hips buck just a little and you feel your arousal gushing and coating his cock.
"Lix." you warn but it comes out as a moan.
"You two have no patience." Hyunjin scolds as he continues sketching.
"You try being in my place." Felix huffs.
"Maybe later." Hyunjin winks at you as you flip him off.
"Hand back on Lix." he points with his pen and you make noises of protest but listen nevertheless.
You look into Felix's eyes again and he looks at you so softly but still full of lust and you find yourself getting lost in his gaze.
After he's done sketching, Hyunjin starts mixing his paints and you wiggle a little, making Felix moan under you, his nails digging into your hip.
"My legs hurt." you whine with a pout.
"Let's take a break." Hyunjin states, and you can see that he's adjusting himself in his pants, as his other hand holds the paintbrush.
"You have a sketch though," you start, sliding off of Felix and making him whimper. ",can't you like finish painting without us having to be in this position for so long?" you ask, your eyes falling down to Felix's cock, wet with your arousal.
Your face warms up and you tear your eyes away to look at Hyunjin expectantly, as Felix sits up, feeling a bit dizzy as he shuts his eyes and takes a deep breath in.
"I need you in the position just a bit longer. Just to get some shading done, then you can change positions." Hyunjin says, finally looking up at you.
His eyes rake all over your body and he licks his lips hungrily at the sight.
"What, you hate being on top of our Lixie that much?" he decides to tease to calm himself down.
"As much as I love cockwarming Lix, my legs are cramping." you state nonchalantly, making Felix cough behind you as he stands up.
"You okay there, angel?" Hyunjin asks.
"Perfect." Felix nods but you can see that his eyes are almost crossed from the need to be touched.
You laugh under your breath, drinking some water before sitting down and stretching your legs.
Hyunjin stands up abruptly, making his way to you as Felix sips on his chocolate.
You look up at him and before you can ask him what he's doing, Hyunjin kneels before you, his fingers wrapping around your ankle as he brings your foot on his thigh.
"W-what..." you start but he shushes you, his hands wrapping around your calf as he gently massages you, soothing out the tension in your muscles.
Your pussy keeps clenching around nothing as Hyunjin stares into your eyes darkly yet his touch is so sweet.
You smirk a little, sliding your foot on his flesh before gently resting it on the bulge in his pants.
Hyunjin sucks in a breath, closing his eyes for a moment as his hands squeeze you a little harder.
"Be careful, sweetheart." he warns you but you want to play, so you press harder into him, wiggling your toes against his tip, realizing quickly he isn't wearing any underwear.
Hyunjin looks up at you, narrowing his eyes with a smirk.
"Lix, come here for a sec." Felix makes his way to the two of you instantly.
"Entertain our sweetheart. Perhaps she needs a distraction." Hyunjin winks at Felix, and Felix returns the wink with a smirk of his own as he stands in front of you.
You look up at Felix and he puts his hand on the back of your head, gently caressing you as his other hand holds his cock, bringing it closer to your lips which fall open immediately, letting him gently push his tip inside your mouth.
It's not the first time you've done this, but you never tasted yourself on him or done this with Hyunjin in the room and it makes you moan around him, Felix's hips stuttering as he pushes in more.
Hyunjin whines quietly as he starts massaging your other leg and Felix holds your head in place, fucking into you slowly.
"See how good you can be for us, sweetheart." Hyunjin's voice is low and you struggle to look down at him as Felix slides his cock deeper inside you, your throat adjusting to take him.
Hyunjin's hands wander up towards your thigh, squeezing and massaging the flesh there, his fingertips dangerously close to your wet core.
By now you're dripping on the sheets, and Hyunjin subtly parts your legs just to take a look at your cunt and the sight of your glistening folds has him groaning.
Without a word he leans in and starts kissing up your thigh.
You jolt a little, whimpering around Felix's length as his eyes fall down to see Hyunjin kissing and nipping at your flesh.
The sight makes him twitch inside your hot mouth as Hyunjin comes closer and closer to your core.
He worships your inner thighs with his lips, tongue and teeth as Felix pushes his cock deep inside you, making you gag a little.
You know he's about to apologize so you start bobbing your head on his length just to prove to him that you don't mind, rather the opposite, you love it.
Felix's fingers grip at your hair as he lets you take control, wetting his cock with your spit as you close your eyes and get into it.
Just as you're beginning to lose yourself, Hyunjin suddenly buries his face in your cunt and inhales deeply, making you aware of him.
"You smell so sweet." Hyunjin almost growls. "Fuck the paintings." he mumbles against you and your legs tremble but be grips them, pulling them over his shoulders before his lips attach to your lower ones.
"Shit." Felix thrusts into you, the sight of Hyunjin's plump lips against your cunt as he kisses you and sucks on your clit, his tongue darting out to gather all your dripping juices drives him insane and he can feel the familiar build up inside his gut.
"I'm gonna cum." Felix whines as he continues fucking your face and you're a mess, drooling on his cock, your legs shaking from the way Hyunjin eats you out, like he's never tasted anything better in his entire life.
The slurping noises Hyunjin makes as he presses his lips and nose as hard as he can into you, his tongue fucking your clenching hole, bring Felix to the edge and he twitches inside you as you grip onto Hyunjin's hair making him groan into your pussy.
"Ah, y/n!" Felix moans loudly as he shoots his load down your throat and you swallow readily, not letting a drop go to waste as you milk him dry.
Felix pulls out of you, trying to come to his senses and catch a breath just as Hyunjin is about to lean away and throw some snarky remark but Felix is quick to grip his head and push him back into you, making him moan.
"Finish what you started, Hyunjin." Felix's voice is deep, his eyes sharp and electricity shoots through your body when he takes charge like that.
Hyunjin's eyes roll back in his head as he eats you out even more hungrily, palming his erection harshly through his pants, a wet spot appearing on them.
Felix smooths out Hyunjin's hair with a smirk.
"Good boy." Felix's deep voice rings out and Hyunjin groans deeply, bucking his hips into his hand, very obviously moaning into you and you whimper, you're so close to release.
Felix decides to help you feel even better as he sits down next to you and leans in to suck your nipple in his mouth, his fingers playing with the other one.
The combined stimulation proves to be too much and you cum hard, painting Hyunjin's face in your pleasure and he whines lapping you up and licking at his lips.
"Now I understand why you love being between y/n's legs so much." Hyunjin pants as he looks up at Felix, his hand shoved in his sweatpants.
"I'm right here, you know." you chuckle and he stands up.
"I know sweetheart. Ah, please help me." Hyunjin whines, pulling his cock out as it twitches miserably in his hand, pre-cum dribbling from the tip.
"Let me." Felix interjects, sensing that you need to come to your senses a little bit and let your throat rest.
"Be my guest." Hyunjin smirks as Felix sits right in front of Hyunjin's core.
You gasp quietly at the sight before you, Felix wrapping his lips around Hyunjin's dick and Hyunjin tangling his hand in Felix's hair making him take more as he guides him.
You get desperate all over again, your hand reaching between your legs to play with your puffy clit as you observe your best friends lost in pleasure; Hyunjin's head thrown back as he moves his hips purposefully, languidly, fucking Felix's mouth, his big hands gripping his hair and controlling him as Felix drools around him, his eyes squeezed shut, his hands digging into Hyunjin's thighs.
"Oh god." you whine as you push two fingers inside your pussy and start fucking yourself with the same speed Hyunjin is moving his hips against your friend's plump lips.
Hyunjin opens his eyes and looks at you with a smirk before he looks at Felix.
"Looks like you're the good boy now." he says lowly before snapping his hips into Felix harshly, making him gag as tears spill from his eyes and for a moment you get worried but you see that his cock is twitching against his thigh at the way Hyunjin is handling him, fucking harder into him, making the tip of his cock hit the back of Felix's throat.
You speed up with your fingers, your other hand coming up to play with your aroused nipples as Felix cries against Hyunjin, gripping his thighs and as his nails dig into his flesh and break skin, Hyunjin whines loudly and cums, painting Felix's throat with his cum.
"Don't swallow." Hyunjin warns and Felix sputters a little, some of the cum seeping out of his lips.
"Come here, beautiful." he beckons you as you stop what you were doing and come closer to Felix.
"Kiss her." Hyunjin commands and Felix grabs your face gently and you open your mouth to let Felix push Hyunjin's cum on your tongue.
The two of you make out, playing with his cum and Hyunjin joins in, grabbing the back of your heads, he leans in and kisses you first, tasting himself on your tongue then he does the same to Felix, wiping his tears as he kisses him.
"You've no idea how long I wanted you both." Hyunjin exhales, his eyes shiny.
"Kinda did. You are obvious, eye-fucking us whenever we're together." you smirk.
"You humped my ass while we were sleeping here once." Felix added with a flush on his cheeks and Hyunjin hits his arm as he got embarassed.
"Shut up, I was half asleep then." he mutters and the two of you chuckle.
You lean in and place a chaste kiss on his cheek.
"Are we gonna continue or what?" you smirk. "Or are you going back to painting? Was that just a ruse to get us naked and fuck us?"
"It wasn't! I genuinely wanted to paint you!" Hyunjin pouts.
"Okay no need to get defensive, prince." you wink.
"We can get back to painting some other time." Felix chimes in and you agree, leaning in to kiss Hyunjin to get him back in the mood.
It doesn't take long before he lays you down, with Felix on your left side and Hyunjin between your legs.
"I want to worship you, my beautiful sweetheart." Hyunjin grabs your foot and starts kissing your toes.
You whimper a little and Felix leans over you, pressing his lips into yours.
There are so many hands on you that you can't even think straight, your mind is cloudy, your pussy is soaking and you can't stop arching off the bed, your body begging for more.
Hyunjin worships your feet, kissing them and licking them, sucking on your toes, his lips pressing into your ankles gently; while Felix's face is buried in your neck, his teeth sinking into your skin and leaving purple bruises as he marks you, his hands slide all over your chest and stomach until he lets his hand settle over your pussy as he cups it.
"Ah!" you whine as Felix runs his fingers on your folds before stopping at your clit and pressing into it.
You moan quietly, your eyes closed in bliss as you play with Felix's hair, your other hand gripping the sheet.
Hyunjin kisses up your leg until his face is close to your cunt for the second time tonight.
"Need to taste you again." he mutters and you open your eyes to look at him as Felix retracts his hand and instead puts it on your breast, massaging it and playing with your sensitive nipple.
Hyunjin doesn't wait, he dives in, his tongue lapping at you again as you drip on him.
"Come, angel." he calls out to Felix, gently taking his hand in his and pulling him to kneel between your legs too.
You groan when they start making out, both of them battling for dominance but ultimately it's Hyunjin who lets Felix tilt his head with a fistful of his hair gripped.
When they part, a string of saliva connects them and they smirk at each other before leaning in closer to your core.
You almost yelp when both of their tongues start playing with your throbbing pussy, Hyunjin pushing his inside you and sliding over your folds, Felix flicking your clit with his and meeting Hyunjin in the middle where they move together against your cunt.
With your legs spread as they hold your thighs, your best friends continue to lap at you, their tongues meeting constantly as they make out, their spit and your slick making everything even more wet and naughty.
They both eat you out like you're the sweetest treat ever as Hyunjin keeps dipping his tongue into your hole, Felix concentrating on your sensitive clit, sometimes sliding down to lick at Hyunjin's tongue and your hole.
Your legs start trembling and you can't hold in anymore, you let go, gripping at the bed, your hips spasming as you squirt all over their faces.
"Fuck, she squirted for us." Hyunjin groans, lapping at you.
"What a good girl." Felix adds, looking up at you darkly as he kisses your inner thigh.
Hyunjin leans back and Felix grabs his face, kissing him hungrily and sucking on his tongue, making Hyunjin grind his cock against the mattress.
"I need you inside." you whimper when they lift up to look at you.
"Which one of us, sweetheart?" Hyunjin asks, as Felix gently caresses your thighs and waist.
"Both." you whine.
"Both?" Felix's eyes widen. "Are you sure?"
"Yeah. Please."
"Whatever our princess wants, she gets." Hyunjin smirks, fingertips teasing your clenching pussy.
"Lixie, get under me." you lift up and Felix lays down, his eyes becoming hazy instantly, his lips parting as he stares at you in awe.
You throw your leg over him as you hover, before grabbing his cock and sliding it inside you with ease.
Felix moans, arching off the bed as you adjust yourself.
You lean down, pressing your chest on his as Hyunjin shuffles behind you.
"Make some room for me." he almost whines, making Felix chuckle.
"Always." you say as Hyunjin presses himself behind you, the tip of his cock on your already stuffed pussy and you whimper.
"Are you sure you can take both of us?" Hyunjin teases, prodding at you with his tip.
"Y-yes. Don't make me wait anymore, please Jinnie." you moan as Felix caresses your head.
"As you wish, love." Hyunjin whispers, pressing a kiss to your shoulder as he pushes in.
It's tight and it stings but you love the feeling of your best friends stretching your little cunt at the same time.
"Fuck, so tight." Hyunjin groans, pushing in slowly as you whimper, tears gathering in your eyes.
"You're doing so good, darling." Felix praises you, his hands gentle on your soft skin.
"Mhm, taking us so well." Hyunjin moans, pushing in as much as he could.
"Ah!" you moan, your pussy stretched and dripping on their cocks.
"Angel." Hyunjin looks at Felix, their hands finding each other as their fingers entwine.
Hyunjin's other hand is on your hips, while Felix gently holds your head, caressing the back of your neck.
"Tell us when to move, love." Felix kisses your forehead.
"You can move." you say breathlessly, as your pussy clenches around them eagerly.
Both of them start dragging their cocks inside you, opening you up with each gentle and languid thrust, their lengths rubbing against each other in the tight, warm space.
"F-feel so good!" you exclaim, your eyes crossing from pleasure already.
"Yeah. S-so good." Felix whines, fucking up into you.
"Ah, my loves. I love you so much." Hyunjin groans, his lips dragging on your skin, face buried in your neck.
"Love you too." you whimper.
"It's just the three of us. Forever." Hyunjin grips Felix's hand and your hip harder, nails digging into your skin.
"Mm yes." Felix groans as the two of them speed up, their cocks filling you up constantly, the squelching sounds so loud in the big room.
You've never felt this full or this wet as they fuck into you desperately, pressing into your sweet spot and stretching your little pussy just for them.
"Lix." Hyunjin moans, releasing his hand and lifting up a little to angle his hips better as he holds yours.
Felix smirks faintly, wrapping his arms around you before the two of them start fucking your hard, using you like a little fuck toy as you grip at Felix and moan, becoming putty between them, letting them have complete control over you.
"Ah, ah, ah, L-Lixie! Jinnie!" you whimper and babble as your orgasm builds up.
"Squirt on our cocks, sweetheart. Please." Hyunjin ruts into you desperately, making both yours and Felix's eyes roll back as he matches his pace and fucks up into you as hard as he can.
You dig your nails into Felix's arms and let go, cumming and squirting around them as you clench making them both groan.
"I'm gonna cum, ah!" Hyunjin whines.
"Are you gonna be a good girl and take our cum?" Felix asks, his lips brushing yours.
"Y-yes, please." you moan, your vision cloudy as your body burns up.
All three of you are on fire and slippery from sweat, holding each other tight as Hyunjin and Felix reach climax, both of them cumming inside you, filling your pussy up to the brim, making you cum with them again.
"Shit." Felix whimpers as Hyunjin pulls out first.
Felix helps you as he lays you down and you whimper, your pussy throbbing from the stretch you just endured, all of your releases gushing out of you.
"Are you okay, beautiful?" Hyunjin hovers over you, his hands gentle on your face as Felix slowly stands up to retrieve a wet cloth and some water.
"Mm. Perfect." you smile blissfully and Hyunjin giggles, leaning down to kiss you gently, sucking your bottom lip between his teeth before leaving more sweet pecks against your mouth.
Felix kneels on the bed and cleans you up gently and Hyunjin sits up, quickly kissing Felix too.
"I'm gonna go run us a bath." he says.
"Are you in any pain?" Felix asks and you can't help swooning at the thought of having two sweet men who care about you.
"No, I'm okay." you say and he smiles.
"Good." he kisses you too and before long, the three of you are in the bath together.
As always, you relax at first before one of you starts getting playful which is usually Felix who splashes Hyunjin's face with water.
It's not that different this time as you sit between Felix's legs, leaning your back on his chest, your legs on Hyunjin's thigh as he caresses your feet.
It's silent and relaxing for some time as you melt into the warm water with your two lovers until Felix decides to joke around, splashing Hyunjin's face and making him whine dramatically before he returns the favor, you being the victim in between them.
The bathroom fills with sounds of laughter, stupid insults and splashes of water for some time before you finally manage to calm down.
The three of you sleep naked that night, you between your two favorite boys, feeling like you have the whole world in your hands when you have them.
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In the morning, you're tangled up with Felix, his face smushed into your chest as you hear the familiar clicks of Hyunjin's camera.
Your eyes slowly flutter open to see a still very naked Hyunjin holding his camera, a cheeky grin on his pretty face.
"Hyunjin. Were you taking pics of us?" you almost growl at him, making Felix stir.
Hyunjin giggles and then bursts into full on laughter as you sit up, grabbing a pillow and throwing at him.
Felix looks at you confusedly, his hair a royal mess and eyes barely open as Hyunjin dodges your attack only to twirl away laughing.
"You were too adorable not to!" he yelps.
"I swear I'm gonna kill you!" you yell out and Felix puts his arm around your waist, pulling you back down.
"We can kill him later, I wanna sleep more." he mumbles and you chuckle, your eyes still laced with sleep too.
"Hyun! Come join us!" you beckon and Hyunjin appears from the kitchen.
"Promise not to kill me." he pouts.
"Eh, you're safe." you say and he makes his way to the bed slowly and lays down. "For now." you add and he giggles, kissing your neck as he wraps his arm around the both of you.
You don't know where the three of you start or end, all tangled up together in the warmth of the sun and the soft sheets, but you know it would always be like that with them.
Just the three of you against the world.
Endlessly.
Forever.
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Taglist: @moonchild9350 @janepg @velvetmoonlght @hwanghyunjinismybae @jehhskz @porangporangmeong @laylasbunbunny @laughatdanger @jeonginslefthand @sapphirewaves @simpforleeknaur @s3ungm1nxxl0ve @painterhyunjin @starlost-mochi-x @saintcosette
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itneverendshere · 1 month ago
Text
LOVED YOU AT YOUR WORST - r.c series - NINE
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pairings: ex!sweethearts; rafe x thornton!reader; rafe x sofia. chapter warnings: mentions of leukemia; death; pregnancy; abortion.
💌MASTERLIST
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Rafe had been through a ton of traumatic bullshit by the age of fourteen. 
His mom had been battling leukemia since he was ten, it started off as an infection—but it turned into one of those long, drawn-out wars that tricks you into thinking there’s hope when there isn’t.
It would go away for a bit, just enough to make everyone think the fight was over, and then it’d come slamming back worse every time.
When he was fourteen, it finally took her for good, when he’d been silly enough to believe she might pull through. 
To be fair, he was only a little kid waiting on a miracle, praying she’d wake up one day magically cured.
Now, when he looked back on it, he hated himself for being so naive. The signs had been there all along, the nurses whispering in the hallways, Ward turning into this void of a human, who looked at him like he didn’t know how to fix it anymore. The talks his mom would have with him about how “no matter what happens, you’ll be okay.”
That phrase haunted him for years.
Her death didn’t wreck him; it tore him apart and left him in tiny pieces that didn’t fit together the same way. He wasn’t the same kid afterward, not even close.
He got angrier, distant. 
He didn’t recognize who he’d been before it all—some kid who really believed in happy endings.
He didn’t believe in much after she died, people let you down, life ripped everything good out of your hands. Why bother holding on to anything at all?
It wasn’t just the grief; it was the guilt.
He’d get mad at her, sometimes, for being sick. He’d slam his door and cry into his pillow because he just wanted a normal life, a mom who wasn’t always tired or in pain or hooked up to some machine.
He hated himself for that. 
The day of her funeral, he remembered everything, even though he wished he didn’t. The church smelled like old wood and lilies, that smell that never left you once it sank in.
People kept coming up to him, patting his shoulder, saying things like, “She’s in a better place now,” or “Stay strong, buddy.” 
He wanted to yell at them, shake them, make them shut up. She wasn’t in a better place. A better place would’ve been here, alive, laughing at his dumb jokes, or rolling her eyes at him for leaving his shoes in the hallway. It wouldn’t be six feet under, locked in a box, shoved into a hole in the ground like she never existed.
He didn’t cry, not when they opened the casket for everyone to say their final goodbyes, not when his dad stood up and choked through some half-assed speech that was mostly apologies and memories, not when they lowered her into the ground, the ropes creaking as her casket disappeared into the earth. 
He just stood there, hands in his pockets, staring straight ahead, as if he wasn’t even present. Inside, though?
His his chest was on fire. 
He refused to let even a single tear fall, it felt pointless, it wasn’t going to bring her back. It wasn’t going to fix anything. And deep down, he thought he didn’t deserve to cry, if he’d been stronger if he’d prayed harder, or been a better son, she’d still be alive.
The sound he remembered the most was the thud of dirt hitting the coffin after the service. It was final, loud, the earth itself mocking him. People around him sniffled, hugged each other, wiped at their eyes, but Rafe just stood there, staring down into the hole, fists buried in his pockets until his nails dug into his palms. 
He kept thinking about how wrong this all was, this wasn’t where she was supposed to end up, and none of this was fair.
She should’ve been there.
She should’ve been standing next to him, arm around his shoulder, telling him to stop slouching, whispering something to make him laugh in the middle of all this sadness. Instead, she was in there, soon the dirt would cover it up, and that’d be it. 
Gone. Just like that.
After the service, Rafe didn’t try to stick around for the house gathering, he wasn’t going to survive that. All those people crowding the living room, balancing paper plates of casserole, acting like they gave a fuck about his mom. It was fake, all of it. 
They’d forget about her in a week.
He slipped out when no one was paying attention, cutting through the side yard and heading to the only place that felt halfway normal—the old skate park behind the rec center. It was run-down as fuck, but he and his friends used to hang out there all the time, sitting on the busted ramps, talking trash, or just doing nothing.
When he got there, it was empty, which was exactly what he wanted. He climbed up on the old half-pipe, sitting cross-legged with his elbows on his knees, staring at the cracked pavement below. 
He couldn’t stop replaying the day in his head, the casket, the dirt, the stupid better place comments. His chest felt like it was breaking in a million tiny pieces, but he still couldn’t cry, his body just wouldn’t let him. 
Instead, he just sat there, wishing the world would leave him alone for five minutes.
That’s when he heard footsteps behind him.
He thought about running—didn’t need anyone seeing him like this, especially not now. But then you spoke.
“Figured I’d find you here.”
He didn’t look at you right away, just exhaled sharply, running a hand through his hair. “Yeah? Well, congrats. You win the prize.” 
He wasn’t in the mood to be nice, even to you.
But you didn’t flinch, you never did. That’s one of the things he liked about you—you didn’t get scared off when he got like this. You just climbed up next to him and sat down. 
You didn’t try to say all that comforting bullshit people had been feeding him all day, and he was grateful for that.
“You okay?” you asked eventually.
He snorted. “Do I look okay?”
"Sorry, stupid question."
He sighed, hating that he was being asshole to his best friend, "It's fine."
When he finally glanced at you, you were watching him, trying to figure out what to say. It made him nervous, the way you looked at him. You always did that—you cared about what was going on in his head, you saw more than what he let people see.
“I’m not gonna sit here and pretend I know what you’re feeling,” you said finally. “But you don’t have to do this alone, Rafe. You know that, right?”
If only you knew what you would be going through just three short years later.
He wanted to snap at you, tell you to leave, he was fine, but the words wouldn’t come. Instead, he just stared down at the pavement again, “Feels like I do.”
You didn’t say anything, just moved closer, close enough that your arm brushed against his. It wasn’t much, but it was enough to make him feel…something, less alone.
Rafe didn’t know how long you both sat there, could’ve been ten minutes, could’ve been an hour. Time didn’t feel real anymore, you didn’t push him to talk, which he appreciated more than he’d ever admit, you didn’t throw out any of those awkward “it’ll get better” lines. You just sat with him. 
“You can talk to me, you know.” 
He shook his head without looking at you. “There’s nothing to say.” His voice was rough, flat. “She’s gone. That’s it.”
“You don’t have to pretend like it doesn’t suck."
He clenched his jaw, staring at the pavement like if he looked at you, everything would break.
“What’s the point?” he muttered. “Crying’s not gonna change anything. It’s not gonna—” His voice cracked, and he swallowed hard, trying to force it back.
“Rafe.” You sighed, and this time “You don’t have to hold it together for anyone, okay? It’s me.”
That broke him, actually broke him. His chest felt tight, suddenly he couldn’t keep it in.
His breath hitched, his shoulders shook, and before he knew it, tears were sliding down his face. He tried to stop it, to hide it, scrubbing his hands over his face, but it was no use.
“Shit,” he choked out, his voice cracking once more.
“Hey, hey,” you said quickly, and before he could pull away or do something stupid like tell you to leave, you scooted over.
He froze for a second, unsure what to do, but then he remembered the funeral, the whispers, the dirt hitting the casket, all the things he couldn’t stop thinking about—he just let it all out.
The first sob ripped out of him so suddenly it startled him, he hunched over, elbows on his knees, hands gripping his hair, as if he could physically stop himself from breaking. But it didn’t work.
Another sob followed, and then another, and soon they were pouring out of him—loud, messy, completely out of his control. He couldn’t stop it, and he hated it.
He leaned into you, his forehead pressing against your shoulder, and just cried. When he felt your arms instantly wrap around him, pulling him into a hug as if you’d been waiting for his permission, he shattered completely.
“She’s—” His voice caught in his throat, and he had to stop, gasping for air as the tears kept coming. “She’s gone. She’s gone, and I—” He broke off.
It was ugly and loud and nothing like how he’d pictured himself breaking down, but he didn’t care. You didn’t tell him it’d be okay or try to make him stop, just held him, your arms tight around him. 
“I miss her,” he whispered, his voice so small it barely sounded like him. “I miss her so much, and I—I don’t know what to do.”
He couldn’t remember the last time he’d cried like this, and part of him hated how exposed it made him feel. He hated crying in front of people—anyone. But right now, with you, he didn’t feel embarrassed. 
“I know,” you nodded, your hand moving in small circles on his back. “I know. I’m so sorry.”
“I—” he choked out, his voice breaking. “I can’t—this isn’t—it’s not fair.”
“It’s not,” you didn’t want to scare away the fragile pieces of him that were finally surfacing. “It’s not fair. None of it is.”
He couldn’t stop shaking or gasping for breaths that hitched in his chest. The more he tried to push it all backdown, the harder it fought to claw its way out. For years, he’d kept it buried—buried so deep he thought he’d never have to deal with it.
“I hate it,” he managed, the words tumbling out in a jagged mess. “I hate that she’s gone. I hate that I didn’t—” He stopped, gripping his hair harder. “I didn’t do enough. I should’ve been better, done something—anything.”
“Stop. You can’t do that to yourself.”
He shook his head violently, “But I did. I gave up on her. I stopped believing she’d get better, I—I got mad at her for being sick. What kind of son does that? I didn’t even say goodbye the way I should’ve. I just—I left the hospital because I couldn’t take it anymore, and then she—” His voice cracked again, and his hands dropped from his hair to his lap, clenched into fists “She’s gone, and I left. I wasn’t there when she—” His breath hitched, and he buried his face in his hands.
“You’re a kid. It’s not your fault, okay? None of this is.”
“But it feels like it is,” he shot back, “I should’ve done something, anything. I just feel so—” He stopped, letting out a shaky exhale. “Empty. Like nothing I do matters anymore.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
The way you said it, so certain—He didn’t know why, but it cut through the noise in his head just enough to let him breathe again.
“I don’t know how to keep going,” he admitted, “I don’t know how t-to live without her.”
Growing up, Rafe had always been a momma’s boy. 
She was his safe place—the one person who didn’t make him feel like he had to be someone else. With her, he didn’t have to try so damn hard to be tough, or perfect, or whatever the hell his dad wanted him to be. 
Ward wasn’t the kind of dad who let his kids cry on his shoulder or told them he loved them every day. No, Ward was the kind of dad who believed in rules.
Men didn’t cry. Men didn’t show weakness. Men didn’t mess up—or, if they did, they sure as hell didn’t admit it.
He expected Rafe to follow those rules like they were gospel.
The worst part? His rules about what it meant to be a man stuck with Rafe, even when he didn’t want them to. When his mom got sick, he found himself choking back tears in the hospital bathroom, staring at his reflection and hearing Ward’s voice in his head: “Crying doesn’t solve anything. You’ve gotta be strong, for her, for your sisters.”
He had this idea in his head of what Rafe was supposed to be—strong, dependable, successful. He didn’t yell or lose his temper like some dads back then, he just made him feel like shit in this fucked up way.
Rafe tried, shit, he’d tried, but it felt impossible.
Every time he looked at his mom, pale and tired but still managing to smile at him like he was her whole world, he felt like he was dying too, then he’d feel guilty—for being so weak, for wanting to break down when she was the one fighting for her life.
It didn’t help that Ward had always had a soft spot for Sarah. Everyone could see it, even Rafe. She was the golden child, the one who could do no wrong, the one Ward went out of his way to protect. 
If Rafe screwed up, it was a lecture or a punishment, but if Sarah did? Ward would just shake his head and say, “She’s still young. She’ll learn.”
It used to piss him off more than he wanted to admit. It wasn’t that he hated her—she was his sister, and he loved her. But how could he not resent her? He felt invisible when she got all the attention and the understanding, while he was expected to man up and deal with it.
After her funeral, things changed.
Rafe became quicker to snap, to walk away from anything that felt too hard. He was only himself around you, behind closed doors, never for preying eyes. Sarah grew colder, retreating into her own world where everything was controlled and distant.
Every time they spoke, it ended in shouting matches, slamming doors, or long stretches of silence that neither of them attempted to solve.
Except when you were there.
Ward got even colder, the grief had frozen whatever part of him used to care. He threw himself into work, making sure Sarah was okay, and barely even looked at his son. When he did, it was usually to tell him to pull it together, or to stop being so “moody.”
Rafe started to wonder if he even cared that he was falling apart, if he ever noticed the nights Rafe stayed out too late or came home smelling like booze. If he saw the way he avoided talking to him, how he flinched whenever Ward brought up his mom. But if his dad noticed, he never said anything. 
He thought it was just Rafe being Rafe—angry, unpredictable, a disappointment.
Fast forward to the present, and he hadn’t felt this helpless since that day at the funeral, not even when Ward’s died four months ago. 
You weren’t in his life anymore—hadn’t been for a while and you were possibly pregnant. 
He wasn’t a hundred percent sure, but it made sense, everything lined up with that possibility. He thought back to everything you’d been through together, the times you’d been there for him when no one else was, how you’d seen the pieces of him no one else cared to.
Now, you were having his kid—and he was hearing about it from Topper?
Rafe spent the first hour after Topper dropped the news pacing his bedroom like a caged animal, his heart wouldn’t stop racing and he felt like a ticking time bomb. 
The Rafe—the one who flew off the handle, yelled, broke things, and pushed people away—was begging to get out. But Topper’s voice kept replaying in his head, he had to act right, be calm, for your sake. To prove himself.
The problem was, that staying calm wasn’t his strong suit. 
He’d spent years burying every emotion he couldn’t control under layers of anger, and now he was supposed to sit with the hurricane in his chest and figure out how to make things right. 
For the first time in a long time, he realized he didn’t even know where to start.
That night, he locked himself in his room, ignoring his phone, his friends, everyone. None of it mattered anymore, the only thing he could think about was you—and the baby. 
He spent hours pacing, running his hands through his hair, trying to think of what the fuck he was going to say.
What was he gonna say after everything he’d put you through? After the fight, the distance, the way he’d shut you out when you’d been nothing but good to him until that point?
He sat down on the edge of his bed, head still in his hands, and let himself feel everything he’d been avoiding. The fear, the regret, the anger at himself. He thought about you—how you used to look at him like he wasn’t just a mess of a person, you’d stuck by him even when he’d given you every reason to leave.
You weren’t here anymore.
He’d pushed you so far away you hadn’t even told him about the situation yourself. Why would you anyway? He ghosted you and the next time you saw him he was with someone else. He could still see the look on your face when you saw him that night—arms slung casually around Sofia, while you sat in your car, eyes wild, you hadn’t tried to step outside, hadn’t yelled or made a scene, you simply drove off. 
It wasn’t until an hour later and terrible text message to you, that drunk and pissed at himself, he realized just how badly he’d screwed up. But by then, the damage was done, and he’d been too much of a coward to fix it. What followed was a sea of bad decisions and nights he couldn’t remember, trying to drown out the ache of losing you. 
He’d been drinking for Ward’s death until that point, now he did it for you.
Everything was catching up to him—the way he let his dad’s voice in his head drown out his own, making him let you slip through his fingers.
He didn’t deserve you—he knew that.
By sunrise, Rafe was still wide awake, sitting on the floor of his room surrounded by half-crumpled pieces of paper. He’d been trying to write down what he wanted to say to you, but everything sounded wrong. He’d never been good with words, not the kind that mattered.
He wasn’t a dad, wasn’t even close to being the kind of guy who could be a dad. 
What the fuck did he know about raising a kid? Changing diapers? Teaching someone right from wrong? Being patient? But the thought of you—of you carrying his kid—hit him differently.
At first, it had been pure panic. You hated him, what if you didn’t want him involved? What if he was just like Ward—cold, distant, always expecting too much? What if he screwed the kid up the same way he felt like he’d been screwed up? 
He pictured it without meaning to: you holding a tiny bundle in your arms, your face soft in a way he hadn’t seen in so long. A kid with your smile, your laugh—but his eyes. Or his messy hair. It scared the shit out of him.
What if she doesn’t even want to keep it?
Rafe hadn’t let himself go there at first, it was a lot to wrap his head around, the idea that there might not even be a child to fight for. 
The thought of you going through this, struggling to make a choice that he couldn’t help with, made him feel useless. 
Frustrated, he grabbed his keys and headed out, needing to clear his head. The island was silent this early, the kind of calm that used to make him feel trapped, but now, though, it was a relief. He drove aimlessly for a while, the salty air whipping through the open windows, until he found himself parked at the beach.
He didn’t know why he’d come here—well, you’d always bring him here when he spiraled. He sat there, watching the waves crash against the shore, feeling a weird sort of clarity that he hadn’t felt in months. 
Perhaps it was the silence, or the way the ocean didn’t care about all the fucking mess in his head, but something about it made him stop spiraling for a second.
He started to think about what Topper had said—not just about staying calm, but about proving to you that he still cared. That wasn’t something he could do with words alone, not after everything. He’d have to show you, he’d have to be the version of himself you used to believe in, the one who wasn’t ruled by his worst impulses.
Rafe knew the first step before he could even think about talking to you: he had to end things with Sofia. They weren’t official, but they might as well have been. 
People talked, made assumptions, and sure, he’d let them. It was easier that way—less explaining, less having to deal with the uncomfortable truth that he’d only been with her to fill the empty space you left behind. It was cruel, but at the time, he hadn’t cared. 
Sofia wasn’t you, but she was there, and more importantly, she didn’t expect anything from him. Keeping things going with her wasn’t just a bad idea; it was disrespectful. To you, to her, to himself. He couldn’t pretend he cared about her like that—not when his heart had never really left your orbit.
When he showed up at her place that morning before work, she didn’t seem surprised—not even a little. She’d seen the writing on the wall for weeks now, but tonight, seeing him standing there, just confirmed what she already knew.
She watched him like she was waiting for him to get to the point, but not impatiently—just resigned, she already knew what he was about to say.
“Can I come in?” 
She let him in without a word, she wasn’t mad, not really. If anything, she felt sad—mostly for him, a little for herself. How the fuck was he supposed to explain this without sounding like the worst person alive?
“You okay?” she asked quietly, she wasn’t being polite—she was trying to read him, figure out where this was going.
Rafe didn’t sit, didn’t take off his jacket. He stayed standing, hands shoved deep in his pockets, trying to find the words that wouldn’t make this worse. “I—” He cleared his throat. “I need to talk to you about something. 
She raised an eyebrow, her lips pressing together in a tight line. “Be honest.”
“This...this isn’t fair to you,” he started, his words tumbling out fast, “I should’ve been real with you from the start, but I wasn't," He swallowed hard, “You deserve better than me using you to forget someone else.”
Sofia didn’t say anything at first, just crossed her arms loosely, not making it easy for him, but she wasn’t making it harder, either.
“I shouldn’t have dragged you into this,” he continued, forcing himself to look at her. “It feels wrong and it’s not because of you. You’re great. You’ve been...you’ve been more patient with me than I deserve.”
Her lips curved into a small, almost imperceptible smile, one that wasn’t quite happy but wasn’t cruel either. “But you’re still in love with her.”
He didn’t know why it shocked him—Sofia had always been perceptive—but hearing her say it out loud made it real in a way it hadn’t been before.
“I—” He hesitated, but there was no point in denying it. “Yeah.”
“I knew,” She nodded like she’d been waiting for that confirmation. “I figured. I told myself it didn’t matter because—because I thought maybe you’d move on. Maybe I could help you move on. But you didn’t, and I—” She pressed her lips together, shaking her head as her arms tightened around herself.
Rafe’s brows furrowed. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
She shrugged, the movement almost casual. 
“Because I really like you,” she admitted, “I knew. The party? When you got blackout drunk after seeing her leave? Or the country club, when you nearly started a fight defending her? I know you drove her to the hospital too. I kept hoping—God, I kept hoping you’d see me, that you’d let me be enough.”
He’d known she cared—he wasn’t blind—but hearing her saying like that made him realize just how he fucked up. She wasn’t wrong. He had been trying to numb himself, to drown out the reality of losing you, and she had been the collateral damage.
He looked away, guilt twisting in his chest. “I didn’t mean to drag you into this. That wasn’t fair to you.”
“No,” she agreed, her tone firm but not unkind. “It wasn’t, but I don’t think you meant to hurt me either, you were trying to hurt yourself. It's still stupid of me to try, knowing you need to figure your shit out, but you don’t have to end things. I know what I signed up for, Rafe. I’m not asking you to choose me over her—I’m just asking you to try."
There was no anger in her voice, no bitterness—just exhaustion. It made him feel like a piece of shit because she deserved to feel angry, to lash out at him. But instead, she was still trying to give him a way out, a way to make this easier on himself.
“I’ll take whatever part of you I can get.”
It wasn’t desperate or pleading—it was resigned. She already knew the answer, but she couldn’t help saying it out loud.
Rafe shook his head, his jaw tightening as he fought to keep his composure. “No,” he said, his voice firm. “You deserve someone who can give you everything. That’s not me.”
“Why not?” she pressed, her tone insistent.
“Because all of me already belongs to her,” Rafe admitted, his voice breaking at the end. “It always has, it always will.”
Sofia blinked, her lips parting slightly in surprise, but she didn’t look hurt—just...sad. She nodded slowly, her shoulders dropping in defeat.
“I hope she knows what she has, and I pray you show her," She stood up and motioning toward the door. “We both deserve better than a guy who drinks himself to death after seeing her at a party. So do you.”
Rafe didn’t move right away, unsure if he should say something more, apologize again, explain himself better. 
“Thank you,” he said finally, his voice quieter than he meant it to be.
“Don’t thank me,” she replied, “Just do better.”
“I shouldn’t have let it go on this long,” he confessed, “I just—I didn’t know how to stop.”
Her expression softened just enough to show the tiniest sliver of empathy. “For what is worth, I think she still loves you too, even if she hates you more right now.” She paused, her hand resting on the doorknob, but she didn’t turn around, “Next time, please don’t do this to someone else, and don’t do it to her again, either.”
She still loves you too, even if she hates you more right now. He wanted to believe it, needed to believe it. The faint possibility, that you might still love him, it meant he had a chance but it also meant he could screw them up even worse.
He stood slowly, “Thank you,” he repeated,“For...everything.”
She didn’t look at him, but she nodded, opening the door and holding it for him. “Take care of yourself,” she said, and it wasn’t cold or angry—just sad.
By the time he got back to his car, he knew she wasn’t wrong, about any of it. 
She hadn’t screamed or cried or made him feel like the asshole he knew he was, that made it worse. If his mom was here, she would’ve smacked him across he head for hurting two amazing women at the same time. 
He hadn’t been ready to deal with his feelings for you—not when he started whatever the fuck it was with Sofia, not when he ran into you at that party, not when he defended you at the country club.
He’d been running, hiding, trying to bury everything under distractions that only made him feel emptier.
He leaned back against the headrest, closing his eyes, and for a moment, it was like he was fourteen again, sitting on the edge of his mom’s hospital bed while his mom teased him.
“Come on, sweetheart” she’d said, her voice playful, even through the weariness. “You’ve been talking about her birthday for weeks. I think you like her more than you’re letting on.”
Rafe’s head shot up, and his ears burned red. “Mooomm,” he groaned, dragging out the word, “it’s not like that, she’s my best friend.”
“She’s your pretty best friend,” she’d corrected, smiling at him in that knowing way only she could. “You’re gonna pick out something nice for her, right?”
“I already did,” he mumbled, pulling a small velvet box from his pocket and holding it out like it was some great secret. Inside was a delicate bracelet he’d saved up for, something special, something he thought you’d like.
His mom’s smile had softened, the teasing fading into something more tender. 
“She’s lucky to have you,” she’d said, reaching out to ruffle his hair. “Even if you are a little knucklehead sometimes.”
He’d ducked away, embarrassed but secretly pleased, tucking the box back into his pocket.
“M’m not a knucklehead,” he complained, but she just laughed, and it was one of the last times he remembered hearing her laugh like that—free, unburdened, just his mom.
“She’s a good one. You’ve got good taste.” Her smile softened, and the teasing faded into something gentler. “I hope I’m still around when you get married. I’d love to see you happy like that.”
The words were a punch he hadn’t expected. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. What could he even say to that? He wanted to argue, to tell her she would be, but the look in her eyes stopped him.
She knew. She always knew.
He just nodded, biting the inside of his cheek hard enough to taste blood. “Me too.”
She squeezed his hand. “Promise me something?”
“Anything,” he said without thinking because he meant it.
“When you find that person—really find them—don’t let them go. Not for anything.”
He nodded again.
Years later, standing in a stupid fucking car alone, those words haunted him. He’d found that person, he’d had her and he’d let her go.
“God,” he muttered, the self-loathing reaching a new high, “I’m so sorry, mom.”
As terrifying as it was to think about being a dad, to think about raising a kid when he was still trying to figure out his own life… the idea of losing this chance—of losing you, or the baby, or both, for good —scared him even more.
For the first time in a long time, Rafe Cameron felt something close to hope, but it was tainted in so much fear and uncertainty, that he wasn’t sure what to do with it.
The rest of the day, he forced himself to slow down. 
He went back home, cleaned up the disaster of a room he’d been holed up in, and tried to think like a normal guy instead of a walking disaster. He even let Topper come over, though his patience for his relentless commentary wore thin fast.
“You’ve got one shot at this, dude,” Topper said, perched on Rafe’s desk like he owned the place. “If you go in there guns blazing, she’s just gonna think you’re the same old Rafe. And honestly? You can’t blame her.”
Rafe rolled his eyes, but he didn’t argue, Topper was right, as annoying as it was to admit.
He spent the evening coming up with a plan—just enough to make sure he didn’t go in blind. He practiced what he’d say in his head, pacing the kitchen while the sun sank below the horizon. Every time he started to panic, he forced himself to breathe, to remember why he was doing this.
By the time 24 hours had passed, he didn’t feel ready, but he knew he couldn’t wait any longer. The thought of you sitting somewhere, thinking he really didn’t care or that he wouldn’t step up?
That was worse than any fear he had about facing you. So he grabbed his keys, and headed out, this time, he wasn’t running away.
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Rafe stood by your door, he’d gotten in the property using the gate’s code, one he’d hoped you had changed to keep him out, but you hadn’t.
He’d never been good at patience, never needed to be—not when he could push his way into anything. But this was different, you were different, always had been.
The wood under his hand was cool, in a way that pissed him off because it reminded him that there was a barrier between you and him, again, always.
He wanted to scream, kick the fucking thing down like the old Rafe would’ve, or instead use the keys you’d given him years ago. Instead, he stood there, swallowing his pride because you were worth it, even if it was tearing himself in half.
His knuckles dragged down the frame, fist clenching as if the pressure would ground him, keep him from losing his shit. He wasn’t here to fight, wasn’t here to make your life harder, no matter how much you thought he was. 
The door rattled slightly when he pressed his forehead against it, eyes squeezing shut. “Five minutes. Please.”
Nothing.
His jaw worked, teeth grinding against the words he wanted to say but couldn’t, not if he wanted you to open the door. He couldn’t do this anymore—the back-and-forth, the lies. He wasn’t sure what broke first—your resolve or the knot in his throat. 
When you didn’t answer again, he sank to sit on the porch, back against the door like he could still feel you on the other side. You were there—close enough to touch if there wasn’t this fucking door between you.
That was his fault.
He used to be the guy you’d let in without thinking twice, shit, there was a time when he didn’t need to knock.
He was in, part of your life, part of you.
Now, you were holed up, scared of him. Yeah, that ate him alive. He’d earned that fear—every cold shoulder, the slammed door, he deserved it.
He should’ve been different, been better, been someone you didn’t have to lock out. You were scared, and it killed him because it wasn’t just fear, it was him. He was the reason you didn’t feel safe enough to let the secret out, the reason your voice cracked when you told him to leave.
He had put that look in your eyes, the one he couldn’t unsee, no matter how hard he tried.
“Fuck,” he muttered.
He could almost hear you breathing, shakily, like you were preparing yourself to outlast him.
He wanted to push. Fuck, he wanted to shove the door open, make you look at him, make you tell him everything—but that was the old Rafe, he took what he wanted, and bulldozed through whatever stood in his way.
Where had that ever gotten him? Nowhere but here: on the wrong side of a door, the wrong side of you.
He exhaled, long and slow, hand falling limp to his side.
What the hell was he doing? Forcing his way in, forcing answers—that wasn’t going to fix this. It never did. You’d push harder, build the walls higher, and he couldn’t stomach the idea of you hating him more than you already did.
“Okay,” he said quietly, his voice strained. “I get it.”
He didn’t know if you could still hear him, perhaps you were blocking him out completely. Maybe you were curled up with your hands over your ears. He hoped you weren’t crying, though the thought twisted and turned something deep in him.
“I’m not gonna push you,” he said, hating how defeated he sounded. “You don’t owe me anything.”
He ran a hand down his face, swallowing hard, trying to keep it together.
“I just... I just want you to be okay.” He hesitated, then pressed his palm flat against the door, wishing he could reach you somehow, without scaring you, “Baby or not.”
He waited, hoping for something—a sound, a movement, anything, but the silence was absolute.
His heart clenched as he pushed off the door and took a step back, his shoes scraping against the porch. He didn’t want to leave, he never wanted to leave, but this wasn’t about what he wanted. Not anymore.
“I’m sorry,” he apologized, almost to himself, "I'm so sorry. I’m sorry it took me this long, okay?”
He stopped halfway, looking back, hoping—praying—for some sign. A light flicking on, the sound of the door creaking open, your voice calling his name, anything.
But the house stayed still, it had already moved on from him. 
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He didn’t remember deciding to drive to Poguelandia; he felt it in his gut, in the pit of his chest, this pounding certainty that Sarah knew something he didn’t. You wouldn’t tell him—but Sarah? You’d chosen her to drive you home from the hospital just a few days ago.
She was the only person that could lie to his face properly, he couldn’t fucking figure her out, she was always deflecting shit wherever they talked.
By the time he pulled up to the pogues’ little hideaway, the sky had darkened, the place lit only by the glow of string lights and the hum of voices inside. He sat in the truck for a second, staring at the house, willing himself to calm down.
Barging in—loud, pissed, impulsive—wasn’t going to get him what he needed. But fuck, it was hard not to.
He climbed out, slamming the door behind him with just enough force to feel better for half a second. The screen door creaked as he stepped up to the porch, and he could already hear them inside—Sarah’s laugh, JJ cracking some dumbass joke, the rest of them chiming in like they didn’t have a care in the world.
He hated this, hated how they all looked at him, as if he was some ticking time bomb ready to explode. They weren’t wrong.
Rafe knocked, hard and sharp, the laughter inside cut off instantly. Footsteps approached the door, hesitant. A second later, it swung open, and there she was, his sister, looking at him like he was the last person she wanted to see.
“Rafe,” she said, one hand still gripping the door. “What are you doing here?”
He didn’t waste time with pleasantries. “We need to talk.”
Her brows pulled together, suspicion creeping into her expression. “Now? Seriously?”
“Yeah, now,” he snapped, stepping closer, his voice low enough to keep from drawing the others’ attention. “Don’t make me say it in front of them.”
She hesitated, glancing over her shoulder toward the voices in the living room. “Rafe, I don’t think—”
“Don’t,” he cut her off, his tone sharper than he meant. He swallowed hard, forcing himself to soften, to keep it together. “I need you to tell me the truth.”
She glanced back again, then sighed, stepping out onto the porch and closing the door behind her. He was already pacing, hands twitching at his sides, hardly able to contain the energy inside him. 
The way she looked at him—wary, guarded—only made it worse.
“What the hell is your problem?” she asked, crossing her arms, like she was already bracing for a fight.
“My problem?” he barked out a laugh, sharp. “You really wanna play dumb right now? You’ve been keeping something from me, Sarah. I know you have.”
Her brows knit together, feigning confusion, “Dude. What’s this about? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Bullshit,” he hissed, stepping closer, “Don’t lie to me. I already know, okay? I know about the baby.”
She didn’t say a word, didn’t confirm a thing, just stared at him like he was some wild animal.
“Where did you get the idea that she’s pregnant?”
His mouth opened, then closed. It felt wrong to snitch on Topper when he’d been one making him pry a little more.
“Well?” she pressed, “Answer me. How did you come up with that?”
Saying it out loud felt like admitting he’d been just as reckless and intrusive as everyone expected him to be. His hand ran over his face, trying to stall.
“I didn’t just make it up.”
Sarah’s eyes narrowed, her patience waning. “No shit. So where, Rafe?”
He glanced away, then back, his voice defensive. “Topper said something, okay? He heard—he thought—” Rafe stopped, knowing how weak it sounded.
 “Topper? You’re taking life advice from Topper now?”
“He didn’t mean anything by it!” Rafe was quick to defend him, “He just... he mentioned some things, and it got me thinking. That’s all.”
“That’s all?” Sarah repeated, “You barged over there because Topper mentioned ‘some things’ ? Jesus Christ.”
His hands flew up in frustration. “What was I supposed to do? Pretend I didn’t hear it? Ignore it and hope it went away? I needed to know!”
“No, you didn’t,” Sarah shot back. “You wanted to know. There’s a difference, and it’s the difference that keeps getting you into this shit.”
“Don’t look at me like that,” Rafe pointed a finger in his direction, “Like I’m crazy or something. I’m not stupid.”
"You’re just not worth the energy right now."
Instead of crying like he wanted to, he let out a dry laugh, pacing back and forth in front of her.
"Right. Sure. I can see it all over you, just say it."
She shook her head, her lips pressing into a thin line. "You don’t know what you’re talking about. Neither does Topper.”
“Stop lying!” His voice rose, loud enough to echo into the dark yard. “Just stop. You know something.”
Sarah’s jaw clenched, and for a moment, Rafe thought he’d finally cracked her. Except instead of giving him what he wanted, she just let out a slow breath, meeting his eyes with a steadiness that made him feel like a child fighting for his favorite toy.
“You want to know the truth?” 
“Yes,” he bit out, his chest heaving.
She stepped forward so they were only inches apart. “The truth is, you don’t deserve to know. Not yet.”
Everyone kept telling him the same thing, couldn’t they see he was already trying?
He staggered back a step. "What the fuck does that mean?"
"It means, that whatever you’re looking for, whatever answers you think you deserve, they’re not yours to take. Not until you can handle them without breaking everything you touch."
He flinched, her words striking something inside him, “You don’t get to decide that for me,” he said, almost desperate.
“I’m not deciding anything,” she replied, her eyes never leaving his. “You’ve spent these last few months making everything about you. Your pain, your anger, your needs.”
He glanced away, “So, what? You don’t trust me?”
Her silence was louder than anything she could have said.
“You don’t,” he murmured, the realization bitter in his mouth.
"I don’t," she agreed, “You’re still not the person she needs you to be, and until you can prove you can do that—without me, without anyone holding your hand—you’re better off not knowing.”
“I’m trying. I swear to fucking God, I’m trying. I don’t know how to fix it.”
“She’s scared you’re going to hurt her again—whether you mean to or not. You’re dating someone else, for god’s sake.”
“I ended it. This morning.”
Sarah’s eyebrows lifted slightly, “Doesn’t change the past, Rafe. And it sure as hell doesn’t make everything better overnight.”
Rafe flinched, the words sinking into him like stones. "Why the fuck do you think I’m here? I don’t want to hurt her—I can’t do anything if she won’t even talk to me."
Topper still had that number. 
You hadn’t hidden it well enough, he hadn’t done anything with it, but it was tempting. All he had to do was call, just to confirm, he told himself. Not to pry, simply to know for sure.
“Whatever you’re thinking, don’t. This isn’t something you can force your way into. She would never forgive you, please be smart.”
His first instinct was to lash out, fire back some venom-laced retort that would sting as much as her tone. He nodded, swallowing hard.
“Okay,” He dragged a hand through his head, “I know that, I know. But I can’t just sit here, doing nothing. I need to... I need to show her I can do better. That I am better.”
“You need to crawl through hell to understand a fraction of what she’s going through; you need to stop thinking about what you want and start thinking about her.”
His hands fell to his sides, limp, the fight suck out of him. She was right—he hated that she was. This wasn’t about him anymore; it never had been.
 “What can I do?”
Her expression softened, not with forgiveness but something sadder—she wanted to believe he could. “You start by fixing yourself, then you wait. Until she’s ready, if she’s ready. You’ve got to mean that, Rafe, you screw this up again..."
"I won’t," he said firmly, cutting her off. "I can’t."
“Okay.”
“What if she’s not ready?”
He had no right to demand more.
“You keep going, keep trying. Not for her, not for anyone else—just for you.”
By the time he got back in his truck, the hurt in his body hadn’t lifted. His mom’s words echoed in his mind one more, “When you find that person, don’t let them go. Not for anything.”
Maybe that started with learning to be the person who deserved to hold on.
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