#and genuinely really upsetting to see some of my friends think it's justified

[butchvamp]

really jarring to see a person self-report about stalking and harassing someone for 3 years and like. celebrating it and being proud of it

[annabelle--cane]

there is this fascinating thing that comes out in some branches of tma discourse that reveals a kind of fucky mindset that a lot of people have, and it's the idea that if an action is justified then all of its negative outcomes can be written off as negligible, or the vice versa, that if something had negative outcomes then it couldn't have been justified. I see this a lot in georgie discourse, where people can't seem to hold at once in their heads that it is completely within a person's rights to cut off a friend for the sake of their own safety and it can (and most likely will) really suck for that friend and make them feel done wrong by and abandoned while leaving them worse off with less support. the core weirdness of that awful melanie take was the idea that she didn't have the right to be traumatized or feel upset at jon for the bullet surgery because there was no other way, which is a take so antithetical to everything tma tries to express and to, like, the everyday realities of real life that it genuinely boggles my mind. really How do you end up thinking like that. I want to know.

[pippin-katz]

Charles VS The Night Nurse

As promised, here is my extensive essay!

I was thinking about how Charles fought off the Night Nurse, and how the others reacted. I have a lot of feelings and thoughts, so strap in for an emotional roller coaster.

All of them were shaken in that moment, but Crystal in particular brings it up several times afterwards. Her real focus is on his anger issues, but she uses the Night Nurse incident as grounds for Charles going too far. She mentions it being "a lot" to watch, and says, "You lost your shit while beating the Night Nurse!"

Here's the thing, Charles reiterates that she was going to send Edwin back to Hell, and take him away to the Afterlife. She also dragged him through all of his most traumatic memories, which the others couldn't see, but it doesn't take a genius to connect the dots that whatever she did was fucked up.

She uses his name, which she shouldn't know, threateningly suggests testing what else she knows about him, then makes a motion with her hand that makes Charles collapse. He falls limp like a ragdoll. I'd be surprised if he was motionless or expressionless in the real world during this process, so he was likely thrashing, struggling, and gasping like he was experiencing a nightmare, which he essentially was. It's like a nightmare on acid; it's not some flashes of bad memories or scary things, he is literally forced to relive his trauma and abuse in explicit detail, while the Night Nurse taunts him for it. When he gets up, something is very visibly wrong.

The Night Nurse then asks Edwin directly what pain he would like to relive. When Charles starts advancing on her, he confirms what she did indirectly: "Good on you, yeah? With your nightmares and your sick smile."

It's not difficult to draw the conclusion that whatever she just did to him involved his most painful memories and trauma. Crystal even briefly saw into the Night Nurse's head, and ended up get pushed to the ground screaming in horror.

So, Charles' emotional state is completely understandable and justified, and his friends should've been able to tell that based on the situation.

The Night Nurse is also a threat. She is not a normal human being, but someone supernatural. She seems very capable of sending Edwin back to Hell, and forcing Charles into his Afterlife.

I don't get the feeling that she wants it to come to that; she seems to see herself as above resorting to force. She talks to them prior to acting all three times she attempts to take them on her own. This allows them to convince her and stall her, but I get the impression that if she really wanted to, she could drag them both off the mortal plane by force. She even tells Kashi that while she doesn't enjoy violence, she's not above it. She would've taken them when they got back from Hell, but Niko finds an actual rule that prevents her from doing so.

Charles got lucky. He catches her completely off guard. She underestimates him. She's confused and stunned as he attacks her. She genuinely doesn't understand why he would want to stay on Earth after everything he went through. They also happen to be by the cliff for this, and there happens to be a very large, hungry sea monster waiting below them.

Charles got very, very lucky, because this woman is a supernatural entity. But the others don't treat the situation that way, and you know why?

Appearance.

Consider for a moment how differently that confrontation would've gone down if the Night Nurse truly looked like a supernatural being. Say she resembled something more like the demon that took Edwin to Hell, humanoid but definitely not human, and scary. Do you think the others would have been so speechless and bothered if Charles had fought off something like that?

The answer is no.

The reason the other three are so shocked and upset is because the Night Nurse looks like a small, middle-aged, white woman, who doesn't fight back. Even though she is clearly unharmed by Charles' hits, they can't stop themselves from seeing the situation as: Charles beating a small woman with a heavy object and kicking her off a cliff.

That is what it looked like, but that is not what happened.

Charles fought off a supernatural being that was threatening to send his best mate back to Hell and force him to go to an Afterlife he didn't want, separating him from Edwin, and taking him away from the new friends he's made. He did not beat up a defenseless woman. She may have been unarmed, but she was not powerless. From Charles' position, the Night Nurse was a monster in human clothing, and he was completely within his right to think that way.

As a matter of fact, the Night Nurse in Doom Patrol looks inhuman/monstrous, and is even referred to as a demon in one of the articles I read about the spin-off show.

I brought this up in my essay about iron burns, and it's very relevant here, so I'll say it again.

The Night Nurse attacks Charles first.

The severity of her attack is hidden from the others; they couldn't even begin to understand how that felt, even if they were fully aware of what happened. Her attack is primarily emotional and mental, but it is also physical. She makes him relive being stoned by his friends and beaten by his father; he could feel that. The Night Nurse does not hit him, but she hurts him, hurts him bad. Despite what the others see, when Charles hits her with that music box, he’s retaliating, not initiating.

The others struggle with disconnecting her appearance from her purpose and personality, even though it should be obvious. All she did during that sequence was be cruel to them.

She uses Crystal's vulnerability as bait, dismissing her emotions with a self-satisfied and condescending smile, literally referring to them as trivial.

She fully intends to send Edwin back to Hell even though he doesn't belong there, purely because it says so on a sheet of paper; she doesn't seem bothered at all by what that actually means for him, despite having a visible reaction of horror to the Spider when it takes Edwin away.

She ignores Charles' statements about staying on Earth, twisting the knife by telling him how much he doesn't belong there. He died as a teenager, robbed of the life he should've had, and rather than showing any empathy for him and his understandable desire to stay, she rubs salt into the wounds with satisfaction.

She forces Charles back into his most painful and traumatic memories, and uses them to emphasize even more how pointless and worthless she sees the idea of him staying on Earth.

She points out how his friends caused his death while laughing, but while she's not laughing, she's reveling in being "right". She doesn't show any sympathy for him, despite pointing out the apathy in his friends.

She sees why his friends turned on him, and she's disappointed by it, like she was expecting something more. She acts like he's being overdramatic that he would stay on Earth all because his friends bullied some kid.

She watches his father viscously beat him, and her only commentary on the matter is that Charles failed to make things better, as if it was somehow his fault that his father abused him.

She condescendingly lectures Charles about how being good didn't, and still doesn't matter, as if he's naive about how awful the world is, and foolish for trying to be positive and helpful.

She toys with Charles, treating him, his experiences, and his feelings like she's got a doll with a remote and wants to press all of the buttons, just because she can and wants to see what happens.

She does all of this with a smug expression.

She turns to do it to Edwin, asking him what pain he wants to relive as if that's a question he could answer when his response is ultimately meaningless. She's going to do it regardless; she's asking him to taunt him.

She begins to ask Charles if he needs more pain to realize that she's right, like he's a toddler throwing a temper tantrum rather than a deeply damaged teenager who is suffering, from her actions.

She scoffs after Charles hits her the first time, seeming unimpressed and bored, as if this isn't a life-or-death equivalent situation for them. Their entire existence is being attacked, but she acts like Charles is lashing out over being grounded or told he doesn't get dessert.

Every single thing about the Night Nurse and her behavior should have had all of them distraught, terrified, furious, or all of the above.

What does Charles say to the jocks at the end of their case? That they were "cruel just for the shits"? How is what she does any different? She humiliates and crushes Charles like it's fun for her to watch. She didn't even need to do that to him; she does it to prove a point, and get him to leave "willingly", even though willingness is clearly not taken into consideration by the Afterlife. Before the Principal sees their case files in the final episode, she was going to send them to their Afterlives. She did not even acknowledge their desires. She tells them she can do whatever she likes, and fully intends to do so until she reads all the cases they've solved and souls they've helped move on. The Night Nurse could've forced them to go from the start.

Even the first time the audience is introduced to her, the Night Nurse is distinctly inhuman. The way she speaks about them, saying "bad boys" in an unnerving tone. The fact that she refers to dying children as a "flood of weak, feeble bodies". In her own words, she is not a living human.

Being swallowed by Angie is the best thing to ever happen to the Night Nurse. Without talking to Kashi, I don't know if she ever would've started to understand; even she seems to not understand why she wants to help Charles and Edwin after she agrees to. She still has quite a lot of work to do, but Kashi made her a more complex and intriguing character than she would've been if she behaved the same way throughout the entire show. That being said, they don't know that she's going to change and grow when they have their first confrontation with her.

The Night Nurse at that point is a monster, and Charles was well within his right to "slay" her as such. I truly think the only reason the others react so poorly is because of her appearance. I can't help but wonder how differently that sequence would've played out if she wasn't a little woman in a pantsuit.

In conclusion, Charles did nothing wrong on that cliff.

(ko-fi)

[autistichalsin]

Okay, I’ve been a bit scared because I’ve been observing from the sidelines, but I do want you to know this isn’t a hateful or troll ask, I’m genuinely asking for clarification.

In my experience, “pro-shipping” has always meant ‘problematic shipping’, and all of the people I’ve talked to about this have said the same thing.

Am I the one who’s misconstrued? I really don’t get it.

Being called “pro-harassment” or “pro-censorship” is hurtful and confusing as all hell.

I don’t harass people for what they create. I don’t care to do that. I block and move on, and warn people if I know they could be upset by the content.

But I also don’t understand how certain things are justified.

I am personally not bothered by much, but I have watched friends and acquaintances go through visceral traumatic reactions because people have decided to air out their coping by sharing it with the public. (I.E, people who write romantic incestual fics, etc)

I don’t give a shit what people write. I really don’t. But it feels harmful to use the excuse of coping when you, in turn, could be hurting dozens of others.

Like I said, I genuinely am not trying to be hateful here. I’m confused, and still distraught that all of this is happening. I don’t think anyone deserves to be harassed. I just also don’t get the logic here.

Pro-shipping never once meant problematic shipping. It meant opposite of "anti" because antis would come and invade the tags and asks, calling them all kinds of names if they found their ships distasteful.

Sorry that being indirectly accused of supporting harassment hurt your feelings. Imagine how I felt, being DIRECTLY accused of supporting rape in real life because of my taste in fiction. You are throwing in your lot with people who can't distinguish fantasy and reality.

I don't like incest fics either, anon. They are triggering for me. So you know what I do? I don't read fics tagged as incest. For that reason, I have never been triggered by an incest fic. I suppose I would be if I read an incest fic that wasn't tagged as much, but you will never find a single pro-shipper who defends posting such content without a tag. You are responsible for your own experience online; it is your job to curate the content.

If it was just seeing that the fic exists that triggered the response, then I'm sorry to say they're still in the wrong. As a survivor, learning that triggers exist and how to navigate those triggers is on you. We are responsible for how we deal with our trauma. Your friends didn't deserve their traumas, and they deserve kindness and support, but requesting that people never be allowed to write distasteful fiction so that they don't have to be upset by the idea that someone somewhere shipped incest is not reasonable. Their feelings are valid; it's totally reasonable to be triggered, to strictly curate your online experience. It's reasonable to block everyone who ships the upsetting incest ships, to put an "incest shippers DNI" on your page, all of it. It's not reasonable to call them supporters of IRL incest or to accuse them of causing your trauma. It isn't hard at all on AO3 or Tumblr; they even give you the option to blacklist/filter out certain tags so you can avoid it without blocking users. There's easily half a dozen safeguards that already exist that are a lot less radical, a lot less likely to be weaponized against queer users, and a lot easier to enforce than trying to remove them.

Me writing fics, such as a character using kink to cope, can only harm a user who doesn't curate their feed (and who reads fics they know will trigger them, which I can only assume would then be a purposeful form of self-harm). Denying other survivors their coping mechanism, though, IS a direct form of harm. Stigmatizing recovery by saying that survivors are in any way akin to abusers for creating fiction is a direct form of harm.

It sounds to me like you've absorbed some very harmful and very narrow ideas of what recovery should and should not look like, and what is and isn't a good/valid survivor. You might want to reflect on why you're turning your attention to policing what survivors do to cope so much.

[golbrocklovely]

sometimes i have to sit back and wonder... what are we doing here, as a fandom? like is all of this really worth it?

the absolute vitriol i've seen thrown around for snc since they started dating k and m is incredibly depressing. especially towards colby. it is DISGUSTING what some of yall (hi twitter ppl that stalk my account 👋) say about him and about m. and same thing goes for sam and k.

you claim up and down "oh i have a right to say what i want, it's just an opinion." no, you actually don't have a right to say whatever you want, and especially without ppl calling you out. but then you have the fucking nerve to ask why snc don't talk to us, why they don't post as often, why they aren't around as much as they once were. idk, maybe it's bc you guys are appalling pieces of shit that say the most idiotic and degrading things and then somehow expect those same ppl you make fun of day in and day out to want to talk to you.

i don't really understand your thought process and i pray i never do. bc if i'm that down bad, i would be the most miserable person on the planet, just like you are.

bc i'm telling you right fucking now, there is not a SINGLE thing snc or those girls have done to warrant this behavior. none of what yall are doing is right or justified. you are deplorable, inexcusable cunts who should have been called out well before now. the nicest thing i can do for you is block you, instead of making a long list of every terrible, miserable, shitty person in this fandom and calling each of you out personally.

let me tell you one thing: there are a lot worst things in life than being a girl with fake tits, lip filler, and an onlyfans account. there's a lot worst things in life than a guy that broke up with his long time gf. there is a lot worst things in life than being someone who has consensual sex with willing partners multiple times in his life. and there is a lot worst things than being kinda childish, into spongebob, and having quasi-clout chasing friends.

and i genuinely have to ask - even tho i know i won't get an answer and i know whatever answers i do get aren't reasonable enough - what about seeing snc happy makes you angry? what about seeing them in relationships makes you think "i need to complain about that" or "i don't like that"? why does seeing snc happy upset you? what does that say about you? bc you claim you love them and want what's best... but clearly you don't. bc why isn't happiness the best for them? why do you think you know better?

seriously. consider taking a second to step back and think "why does seeing snc happy make me upset?" how deeply insecure do you have to be to truly feel that? it's sad, really. bc this should be a fun time in this fandom. but i have never felt more embarrassed to be a part of it than i do right now.

some of you are full grown adults too! well beyond the years of "i just didn't know any better". what a sad, little life you must have lived all this time to think that this type of behavior is valid and acceptable. it's a shame.

[fictionfreedom]

Antiship mentalities and the rise of it really fucked up my enjoyment of fandom spaces and also led to me having more persecution delusions, terrible moral ocd, and worsened my relationship with paraphilias that I didn't even know I had at the time.

(it gets venty below here)

Genuinely led to me being extremely triggered and having worse mental health. Coming from someone that was triggered by some proship stuff due to no tagging for it and no warnings of any kind, leading my fairly fresh trauma being triggered. Chose to block. And move on. Because it's that easy if there's an account posting things you don't like.

The antiship bs worsened my ocd when I already had a terrible time existing online cause of cringe culture and the whole 2016 youtube space esp around queer stuff. You don't even have to like individual people. There's plenty I don't like, that deserve to be called out, or are just...not correct. Which is fine. Antishippers on are a moral high horse of being justified to assume things about strangers and control spaces. And even if it comes from a place of trauma, it's not gonna help. I was leaning towards antiship more for a while and even blocked proshippers a lot. All it did was make my shit worse and worsen my constant paranoid fear of being "found out." Something that I already struggle with cause of immense trauma/abuse.

What helped was challenging the way I viewed things. To learn from people that actually understood things. Even this account helped me when I was trying to find out what the "correct" thing to believe was. (I am very dumb and deal with stuff that makes me susceptible to believing things that are harmful, even if against my morals. So I often have to be careful.)

Antishippers need to not only learn to block more, but learn that there WILL be spaces that are triggering or upsetting. I encountered plenty that were uncomfortable and made me freak out when younger. Still didn't harass them or tell them how awful they were.

(hope vents r okay. just don't feel comfortable speaking on such things much so seeing ur posts about antishippers just made me think of this ramble.)

We're glad to know we might've helped a bit with your journey in that! We never went through any serious issues with antishippers, but we've definitely dealt with a few different situations where we THOUGHT we could deal with being friends with antishippers and merely ended up hurting ourselves because we had to leave them out of fear we would be targetted by them if they found out. Antiship ideologies are.. to say the least, a genuine disease on the internet and even in real life now. They help close to no one and deeply harm many people in ways that I honestly didn't think people who were capable of morals or even just the vague understanding of them could. It's incredibly sad to see how some people were affected by those beliefs and forced into following them and the others who did out of fear for their friendships, safety, and sometimes for certain people even their own life to my own shock.

[butchtwelfthdoctor]

please tell me all about in the blood (no pressure, i am genuinely interested though!!!!!!)

AHHAHHAHHHHHAAAA YES OKAY THANK YOU ELI

OKAYYYY SO in the blood, doctor who extended universe book, i think it takes place pretty soon after the Silence in the Library arc cos that's mentioned quite a bit, and Donna's husband Lee (who was, i may add, i think going to be canonically trans but they weren't sure how to show that in a split second without it being confusing but he's trans in my heart) from the simulation is on Donna's mind a fair bit so my guess is it's pretty soon after that ANYWAYS, fairly standard doctor who plot, big problem with technology and people on earth and of course it's because Aliens. specifically its that internet trolls are dying and ofc The Internet gets worked up about that, but as more and more people start venting their anger online everyone gets more and more angry and they become hysterical and sometimes die. which obviously is a big problem they have to solve, i won't give away the plot but its fairly average dr who stuff.

BUT. OHH BOY THE CHARACTERSSSSSSSASASSaSSASaSAS i mean i love ten & donna anyways but they are written SO WELL like SOOOO WELL it's SPOT ON and it's so perfect because they do the same things they always do - the doctor is fully prepared to die (well. very painfully regenerate) just as he always does and uhhh actually maybe it's better if i take pictures there was a lot of frantic margin scribbling & underlining hehee

uhm. spoilers below. and very long post

my handwriting is nigh-on-illegible here i know but it says 'she remembers the Arachna-things [one google search later - Racnoss] from the Runaway Bride she knows he has killed people & that people get killed around him but... [long pause here as i thought of what to write. how do you justify that? greater good?] yeah i can imagine it really is easier to not think about it'.

this is just such an interetsing thing that they couldn't have shown in the show right, you can't show 'she didn't even really like to think about it' visually with the same impact. but like.... yeah. she saw him kill all the racnoss & still travels with him. moral grey areas flawed characters but.... the companions must do some serious mental gymnastics NOT TO MENTIOn the Doctor coping mechanisms or lack thereof.

^^but then there's this!! the hope!! he really can't stand people dying even when he is surrounded by it!! he has to hope!!!

^^ platonic doctordonna moment!!!!! i love them so much heheeee but also Lee.... oughhhhh

^^ SUCH A DOCTOR MOMENT he HAS to carry on for the sake of THE WORLD even when it means Donna is at risk

^^handwriting id - 'see THAT is such a Doctor moment - just like ' 'yeah i knew for ages', lied the Doctor' - he doesn't tell people things b/c he doesn't want to upset them & he hopes that if he doesn't mention it it wont happen. if you see your own grave you have to be buried there etc. & it's maddening for everyone but also kinda tragic'

the doctor was hiding that what Donna thought was going to fix the problem wasnt going to work b/c then she's get upset & angry, which spacey stuff blah blah is whats currently killing people - but Ten (teh Doctor in general) does this A Lot, not saying everything he knows because he thinks it's going to upset/panic/hurt people/

^^ THIS!! he needs his best friend!!! without saying anything & over the phone, Donna can tell!! ajsnjansh i just love them so muchhhh

^^ (they were back in london in present day) the Doctor feels guilty about pulling Donna from her normal, safe life, even though like she wanted to he probably couldn't have said no to that if he tried - and putting her in mortal space danger - but also completely removed from her normal life. she doesn't live like Clara, who fits weeks of time travel in time to show up to work, she's missing out on Normal Life. she's not at home. Sylvia knows she wont be staying for dinner.

sorry a lot of this is kinda depressing BUT i promise you there are joyous bits too! the Doctor is canonically a Kate Bush fangirl!!! and donna has to stop him drinking coffee cos he'e hyperactive enough as it is lol. and -

hehe

[lookbluesoup]

I've had a lot of people interacting with my post yesterday about wishing there was more fandom meta discussion and exploration of "missing moments" with... huge amounts of fear and insecurity.

And I get that it's hurtful to share stuff in a fandom space and potentially be met with silence. It's easy to feel drowned out or get overwhelmed in a big fandom. It's terrifying to be in an online space and potentially get harassed by assholes who think anyone who looks at canon differently from them are evil.

I have definitely left spaces before where one or both of those things were so prevalent that I didn't feel like it was worth it trying to be part of that community. Your feelings are valid, they're legitimate fears. But it really hurts my heart to see so many creative people be so afraid.

Based on what I've seen, I assume that many DO want a more interactive fandom experience, in spite of that anxiety.

I can't tell anyone what they should do. I can advise you that fear and insecurity usually come from the inside - from past hurts, and that understanding them and deciding you don't want to be afraid anymore, that you deserve a space and a voice, is an important step in being able to reach out and form healthy, genuine connections with people over the things that you love.

But you are the only one who can decide what's good for you. Maybe you need therapy, or a different fandom, or a different environment. Maybe you need to cut some toxic people out of your life. I'm a stranger on the internet and I'll never be able to answer that question for you.

In lieu of that, I'll share some tips that have generally helped me feel safe in fandom spaces even though I have sometimes have anxiety attacks just trying to talk to friends.

Block people. I am dead serious. This bit is extra long because of how serious I am. 1) You're deliberately putting your comfort first, and that's a good thing to practice and 2) You won't have to worry much about those people invading your space

You don't have to hate them, they don't have to be evil, you just have to decide this isn't someone who's opinions you want in your corner of fandom. If they keep posting way off base critique of your favorite character, or imply liking a ship/character is somehow evil, or are just generally negative and you feel worse after seeing their posts most of the time? Take care of yourself. Block them.

If you really don't like their takes, you can go into your settings and use the filter tool to hide posts that their username is mentioned in from your dash. You don't have to see them or deal with them. Ignorance is bliss.

This is not being mean, it's not being an asshole, it's not being insensitive.. It's telling yourself "My comfort matters." We're in a hobby space, here to enjoy ourselves. You can always unblock someone later if you want.

If someone sends you anon hate. Block anon. If you MUST reply to the ask to show your friends or get the last word in, screenshot it and post the screenshot to respond to. But click that menu beside the actual ask and block the shit out of that Anon. Afaik they'll be IP blocked, it will be much harder for them to send you additional hate. (Not impossible, but harder, and most will move on to easier targets.)

You are not "winning" by leaving them unblocked, you're not proving that you're brave or that they don't matter, you're just leaving yourself open to more abuse. Block anon hate.

Unfollow people if the content they put on your dash upsets you. You don't have to dislike them personally. You don't have to justify it. Being "mutuals" is often overemphasized on here. You can be friends, you can read their fics or send them asks and be supportive without having to see every single thing they share. Following is about curating your dash, not picking friends.

Don't post when you're angry. I know that person bashing your fav character is an idiot but do not vaguepost or call them out in a fit of rage. Take a step back, remember it's fandom and not the entire world. If the other person seems interested in discussion, you can have a good-faith talk about it, but don't go into it determined to change their mind. You're just exchanging information, and you're allowed to disagree. If they're only hating and clearly not interested in talking, then write something positive about your character instead, in your own post, and focus on maintaining a space with people who you actually like talking to.

Hopefully you're seeing that the above advice is about building a safe, manageable fandom corner for yourself, and feeling powerful enough to enforce it. That's important. You don't owe people online interaction.

Fandom acquaintances can certainly grow into strong friendships, but not everyone, or even MOST of the people in fandom, deserve to be your friend and all the social obligations that entails. It would be exhausting and stressful to do otherwise, and it's not practical.

Now for positive action!

Nurture a handful of good friendships. If you brought some to fandom with you, great. You're a book club now. Each other's main "support", who (hopefully) do genuinely enjoy talking together. Fandom at large might not always give you affirmation, but a few good friends who know you giving you that support will be much more meaningful and sincere.

Talk to people you like! Say nice things about their art, writing, or characters. Reblog from them. Show a genuine interest in talking to them and seeing their creations. I know it's scary, but if you're trying to make connections, you do have to reach out! Lots of us are scared and most of us don't hear that we matter to someone else often enough. Be the change you want to see. You may be surprised to find that opening a door allows others to come through it, too, and they'll often try to connect back.

Not everyone will reciprocate the interest, for a variety of reasons which won't usually be your fault. That's ok! If you like their stuff, keep supporting them because that's part of what keeps fandom alive, but look for friendship elsewhere. Even if it doesn't work out and you don't hit it off, you tried!

More people agree with your takes than you think. A lot of them might be scared, too, because going against fanon mainstream is intimidating. But you'll have a much harder time finding like-minded folks if you never share your takes/writing/art/etc for people to find. Putting your voice out there is an investment that might take some time to pay off, but if it makes one other person out there feel less alone and more validated, surely that's worth it?

You're allowed to change your mind. About characters, about people, about fandom, about yourself. You are not beholden forever to your first or second opinion about a topic.

[thefirstknife]

Mara is being a classic manipulative abuser trying to sway everyone to pity her and putting the spotlight on her own grief rather than the immeasurable suffering she has caused others, and the fandom is falling for it hard. As someone who will spend likely the rest of my lifetime healing from the hurt caused by someone like her and hangs out with many fandom friends with the same experiences... it's just really anxiety inducing and hurtful to see how large chunks of the fandom are so quick to praise and adore her for her "character growth". She is upset to be facing consequences for her actions and is trying to get pity. She is a horrible person and a fantastic character and she should be allowed to be the asshole that she is. She doesn't have to be good to be enjoyable. I am terrified the narrative will go the way of having Crow forgive her because that's the "good" and "kind" thing to do, thus essentially saying abuse victims need to be the "bigger person" and forgive their abusers. Not even gonna get into how she used the Awoken people from the first moment. There's nothing wrong with loving Mara but I think all of you need to take a step back and listen to people who have met real life Maras and understand just how messed up your support of her is when you're touting her as this traumatised person just trying to do what she believes is right (true) which makes her good and worthy and simply misunderstood (false, her trauma doesn't absolve her of being a cunt). She isn't growing, she's just further manipulating people and making things about herself. There is no moral failing in enjoying characters who are horrible people. She's no different from Clovis with her god complex and having slightly more noble intentions doesn't excuse her whatsoever. Her remorse might be genuine but at the moment she isn't seeking to provide any reparations to her victims, she just want people to feel bad for her being sad.

I was abused by my older brother, emotionally and physically, who manipulated (and still does) people around him.

I shouldn't have to say this, but I'm getting really tired of people assuming that everyone who sees some value in Mara's character growth has never been abused. That assumption is disrespectful and forces the person you're telling this to out themselves about their own abuse. Because if I don't, then people will just continue saying that I can't possibly understand what it's like. I understand. Unfortunately, personally. I would advise not to approach random people telling them that they can't understand what it's like because they happen to like Mara as a character.

Another thing that I want to mention at the start is that I have never in my life claimed that Mara did nothing wrong or that she isn't a bad person. She is. It's a part of the reason why she's a fascinating character. She's an uncompromising leader who worked under the idea that the end justifies the means and that she is the only one that can see us through to that end. It's a cruel life for everyone around her.

Her trauma doesn't absolve her of being a cunt, but it does explain why she is one. I think this is not only valuable, but crucial to understand because that explains that her cruelty wasn't out of sick malice and enjoyment of hurting others.

If we want to care about abuse, we have to understand that parental neglect is also abuse. Mara is also an abuse victim. This also doesn't absolve her of her actions, but it does explain them. Mara's recent new line in which she tells Elsie about Osana Sov, her mother, is a classic abuse victim story about parental abuse. It's one that rarely gets acknowledged because that type of abuse is structured specifically in a way to go unnoticed. But it's abuse nonetheless. And I'm sorry but if we care about abuse victims, we also have to care about abuse victims who become cunts. That's the only way to really fix the situation.

And I do genuinely believe in fixing the situation. I know that a lot of people don't want their abusers to get better or to change and I also know that a lot of people don't believe that their abusers CAN get better and change, but they can. Not all of them of course, but some can. Insisting that Mara is not actually changing and is just pretending and being manipulative again is your trauma talking. The text is incredibly clear in this scenario and it's not just coming from Mara herself; it's coming from people around her. So unless we believe that literally every character (including incredibly perceptive ones like Elsie or Ikora) would fall for Mara's every word even when they never did so previously, Mara is genuinely changing and she isn't manipulating anyone or pretending to be trying to get better for good girl points. That's incredibly uncharitable interpretation where you have to go out of your way to insist that she's just pure evil. It's equally incorrect as saying that Mara is pure good.

Again, I know that not everyone is capable of dealing with that in the same way or same time as someone else. There was a time in my life when I genuinely wanted my brother to just die and be gone from the world and that he is not deserving of any introspection or the ability to change. And I know there are horrific people who have done truly unforgivable things and that it's hard to think about them as people deserving of effort and change. But if those people put in the effort and want to change, we have to give them that second chance.

Of course, their victim is not obliged to help them or be in their presence ever again. This is a right that Crow is currently exercising, with no end in sight. But if he eventually chooses to give it a go? His story will not be worth any less to an abuse victim. It won't align with everyone's story, but it will align with some of them and again, if we care about abuse and abuse victims, then we also have to care about those that aren't identical to us. It's not about being the "bigger person." I don't want to be prove being a bigger person to my brother, I just genuinely think that it would be better for everyone involved if he changed and worked through all of our issues and we were a normal family.

The text is also more than clear about Clovis who has never in his life believed that he is wrong or that anything that he did was wrong, including all suffering he caused to all of his family and humanity. Like, this cannot get any clearer. And the game directly made that comparison to debunk it in a very on-the-nose way: in a full dialogue in-game. Clovis doesn't think anything he did was wrong; Mara does (and Rasputin admits to the same).

I would also like to point out that the game is filled with abusers who never get a fraction of the same flack. Calus is a massive abuser who neglected and emotionally manipulated and punished Caiatl her whole life, as well as treated his people as accessories to his own goals and tossed them into suffering and death for his own amusement. Not even for anything dire like saving all life in the solar system; for pure amusement. Reading about Gahlran is a special type of horrific depiction of Calus' disregard for people's autonomy and safety.

People also for some reason don't see it, despite it being incredibly clear in the lore book, but the Witness abused Rhulk into obedience through isolation and manipulation. It picked Rhulk because he was already on the edge and then it used isolation and manipulation abuser tactics to sway him away from his people and turn him into the genocidal unquestioning obedient follower that he became.

Savathun was also a fairly abusive person as well and probably the best comparison with Mara. She was knowingly manipulating her siblings, and her nephews, and also her children, for whom she had very little love and care. She also completely ignored them and left them pretty much for dead when she decided to become a Lightbearer. And you know what? Savathun is also an abuse victim herself as well. She is a traumatised person that has been on the receiving end of manipulation and we all feel very bad for her circumstances. And Savathun also wanted a second chance; and she got it!

Clovis was a massive abuser whose wife had to run away from him and hide, who did not see his child and his grandchildren as real individual people. He manipulated every single one of them, most of all Elsie, to whom he most likely lied about her disease to make her accept the Exo body and to whom he directly said that he is in control of all information about her own body. He also did not view any people as real people and instead, they were all experiments. Reading his logbook and his extra experiments (warning for medical trauma and body horror) is, to borrow words from an in-game character, "a gratuitous exercise in horror." He has never, not once, said or did anything that shows he regrets it or thinks anything he did was wrong.

You might say "but nobody is making excuses for Calus or Savathun or the Witness or Clovis!" And like, yes they are. They're never addressed as abusers and they have plenty of fans who treat them just like their cool blorbos. A really interesting example is the Witness who, by god, has a really cool design, but whom people are consistently treating only like a sexy otherworldly alien who is just sooo shippable with its abuse victim.

And as much as that makes me super uncomfortable, same as Calus bros who to this day swear that he's actually someone worthy of following or that Clovis is just a poor little meow meow that everyone is being too mean to, I am not here to tell people that they aren't allowed to do those things. And I am not going to send them guilt-tripping asks telling them that I am an abuse victim and that they cannot possibly have similar experiences because they post positively about these characters. And I certainly can't claim that none of them understand abuse.

I don't know why Mara is the only one that gets this sort of response. Mara is both an abuser and an abuse victim, she was a miserable person as a human to the point where she straight up decided to commit suicide. She was a cruel leader who believed that only she alone can save the world and that everybody else is at her disposal to be used as she wants. And she has since learned how awful she was and regrets it. She wants to change and be better. No matter the timeline, she remains our steadfast ally until the end. It's really not that difficult. There's no double or triple deceptions and manipulations involved.

Me and many others have actually literally been talking about how Destiny writing is currently focused so much on every character sounding like they've been going to therapy and how everyone is super introspective about their problems and wrongdoings. I assume this is because we're slowly wrapping things up and we can't have characters being too ambiguous in the face of our endgame enemies, but no matter what's the reason for it is, the conflicts and characters have been getting increasingly more straightforward. Mara is not going to flip the switch on us.

If you for any reason can't stand to see a storyline in which someone like Mara gets a second chance, that's something that you will have to deal with in your own time. Disengaging from the story is okay. Disengaging from the fandom is okay. Sometimes media will tell a story about your experience that doesn't align with yours perfectly, but it does align with other people who have been through similar issues.

And in case of Destiny, this is a story whose main theme is "second chances." Mara wants one so she deserves one. Savathun wanted one and she deserved one. Even Calus or Clovis or even the Witness; if they want one, they deserve one. It's okay to not want to forgive any of them personally and even to struggle with the fact that the story is trying to pass that as the right thing to do, but again, that's something for everyone to deal with in their time. And please don't make assumptions about other people and their relationship with abuse.

[wutheringmights]

After feeling like an absolute clown when I saw The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes movie in theaters, I figured it was time I sat down and read the original novel for myself. Unsurprisingly, I really enjoyed the book. It's definitely my favorite Hunger Games novel.

I should leave a disclaimer real quick. So I read the original trilogy a few years before the movies were released. I liked them well enough, but I always struggled to love them. Unfortunately, my biggest problem is Katniss. She's a great character. I do not like being stuck in her POV. I wish this was an ensemble story so that every side of the conflict is explored. In that way, the movies almost work better for me. I say almost, as I have such a bone to pick with Catching Fire throwing Katniss back into the arena, but that's another rant for another time.

My point is that I have never been passionate about the series, and I have not read the books in many, many years.

Yet, I still feel fairly confident calling this the best book in the series. I like exploring stories from the wrong perspective. Seeing the games from the eyes of the Capitol is genuinely interesting. I love the chapters where the students debate the philosophy of the games. I love watching Coriolanus justify his own decisions. I am obsessed with how this man thinks.

I cannot give enough praise for how Collins write Coriolanus's point of view. Here, the limited perspective works flawlessly. Seeing the world filtered through his eyes is interesting-- though I wonder why she chose to write this novel in limited third person? Did she want the veneer of objectivity that comes with third person POV, or is the first person POV trend in YA over?

I am not saying this book is perfect. It's goofy in one too many places, and there are a few plot points that just feel very immature to me (mainly, Coriolanus having to save Sejanus from the arena-- only a YA novel would make that justifiable).

My biggest problem is the loss of tension after the second act. As important as it is for the story to take Lucy Gray and Coriolanus out of the Capitol and the games, that third act really drags. There needed to be one more plotline carried over from the first two acts to help keep the suspension building. Collins really could have shaved 100 pages off this book, or made that third act into a second novel entirely.

With that in mind, I think I still like the movie better, if only for all the ways it condenses the story and fixes some of the pacing.

What really upsets me is how many people on Good Reads hate this book. I saw one review decrying the concept of this novel as ill-conceived-- something about trying to humanize the Hunger Games' Palpatine. That takes me back to how hung-up I am at the concept of a Hunger Games fandom. These books are so committed to their message and themes that it's always weird to see people talk about ships and stuff. I guess I just don't see the appeal.

When I was in high school, English teachers were just allowing the first book to be read and analyzed for class. According to a teacher friend of mine, the book is now an official part of the curriculum. I think that's a little unwarranted too. But if kids studied The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes in school... yeah, I would be okay with that one.

[starz4valen]

queers im fucking lost come save me

ok but in all seriousness,

despite labeling myself as aroace for a hot minute and finding comfort in that label and the community for a time—shit doesnt feel quite right anymore.

i have had ONE EX. one.

i genuinely think i was in love with him. i only felt what i felt with him,,,WITH HIM. nobody else. I felt the butterflies/giddiness, i loved his laugh, his smile, hearing him, his jokes, all the names he would call me, how much he said he loved me, our late night discord calls, having him around, just. him. when he rarely spoke abt shit that was bothering him it hurt me so bad, like i would hurt with him. and the mere THOUGHT of ME hurting him made me wanna sob.

as you can probably guess by the fact we’re exes, we’re not together anymore. it hurts. hell, my stomach tangled a bit as i typed that out. (could be cause recently someone who used to be a friend went and dated him and then got upset at me for getting upset at them but this ain't abt them.)

we broke up in like june last year, and i felt so fucking horrible about it bc it basically ended w him yelling at me over text at how horrible i am at listening and how i treated him more like a therapist—which i will admit i did. i sucked for that. it makes sense why tho, i was working through a lot of shit at the time, doesn’t justify it at all though. i should’ve treated him better. im desperately trying to fix it in my current relationships so that never happens again.

then again, he also treated me badly. he said things that really fucked with my sense of trust in people and just made me scared to get close with anyone like that ever again, or in general bc i was convinced everyone had some ulterior motive w me or secretly didnt give a shit abt me—but also i felt *I* was the problem. like every relationship im in is gonna end horribly bc im just that bad. its taken a lot to say that i feel loved by and trust my current friends, as well as trying to recognize that I deserve love, and im glad i can say that im getting better ^^

but,,,idk anymore

i concluded i was aroace almost a year after we broke up. there were a couple reasons. for one, i only really got that close w him. i dont really know if ive had a crush or what that feels like—in fact i think i faked one in elementary, the whole reason i got w my ex was bc he was flirting w me and it made me feel nice. (also bc i was worried he would be my only shot at love but i digress) i feel off when people talk about heading to poundtown or anything like that, the same with crushes—just crushes tho relationships i totally get—and i still struggle to wrap my head around attraction and how people just can look at someone without even knowing them at ALL and go “you. i want you.”

i wrote off how i felt when i was with him as simply some non-romantic form of attraction and called it a day.

but recently ive been reflecting on that, and i think i was wrong. the way that even now i get all these emotions by merely talking abt my ex says something. how upset seeing that "friend" going ahead and dating him after barely knowing him and just how angry i was says something. the way i cried seeing my best friend get a whole small crate of presents from their partner for their bday bc i was THAT JEALOUS says something. the way i yearn for affection and to be loved again says something. the way im starting to miss being in love again says something. the way i would always want some sort of relationship—even when i identified as aroace—but just never thought it would happen bc i didn't feel pretty enough, or mentally well enough, deserving of one, or like id ever be lucky enough to find someone who makes me feel that way again and how scared and sad that makes me,,,says something.

now in terms of poundtown—legit dunno. closest to that I've done w anyone was neck kisses from my ex, which i did really enjoy—but also i legit identified as ace like the whole time we were together and the few times he made jokes like that i felt uncomfy. plus the only way i feel i could be ok w going further w something like that is if its either excessively gentle or the most unserious thing ever. so tbh if i had to take a guess on how i feel abt that—not too keen on it.

I'm debating a couple labels, bi, aroace, bi and ace, demirose, and demirose and bi, but tbh i feel bi kinda fits the most? (maybe???) but also it doesn't. idk if its the fear of opening my mind to me being in a relationship despite my fear of intimacy and commitment or just that I'm aroace and this is my brain telling me to stop overthinking shit—but i know i wanna figure this shit out

if anyone has like legit any words of advice PLEASE send it my way. i will take even the tiniest crumb of guidance cause i am more lost than a child in ikea.

thanks to anyone who read all this <3

[semi-sketchy]

#i do hope this arc doesn't go with whisper apologizing and tangle being justified if she really was trying to “honor the old team” #i'd rather it went into a “i don't hate you i'm just upset with you” angle #let whisper be angry and upset #let tangle know why #please don't push whisper to say she was wrong for being upset #i say that because i don't actually trust it not to go that way

Welp.

Aight issue 58 leaked and I'm actually gonna take a swing at this comic now because I genuinely did not think it could get to this level of bad. Like not even just the senseless Tangle and Whisper drama, the whole arc so far is just flat out bad and I wanna unpack it.

1. Tangle and Whisper drama

Let's get the elephant out of the way first.

This was dumb and had absolutely no point whatsoever.

All this leads to is Whisper apologizing for...not helping everyone and being a bad teammate?

Because yes, throughout this arc she has totally been uncooperative and not helping the team at all!

Oops.

Even in the context of the previous issues, she went off on her own to hunt Mimic again, fearful he'd hurt her friends to get to her even though she already went through that whole shtick and then she fought Surge to try and protect a town.

Please, tell me more about how she was being selfish and "not helping anyone."

This is not an empowering moment. This is an embarrassment, both to Whisper and Tangle. This has fully turned me off from Tangle.

Her side of the apology basically boils down to "I'm upset that you're upset at me, I did what I did to help us" complete with waterworks, leading to Whisper being like "no, no, you were right, I'm sorry for being triggered, I need to get over my trauma" and that is just manipulative. Top it off with Tangle NEEDING to be told what was wrong when she had a VISUAL REACTION upon seeing how affected Whisper was, and that just makes Tangle a bad friend.

You can have messy apologies in writing, it's more realistic and interesting for characters to have faults, but this whole thing was written around Whisper being in the wrong when she really didn't do anything. Seriously she gets about three pages dedicated to her apologetic speech while Tangle gets two panels.

And again, that's all that comes of this. It only serves as a do-over on Whisper's growth from their mini series. It has no effect on anything else. This was pointless to include and just wastes time.

2. The city expanding is solved way too quickly, for the convenience of the reader and not for the plot

This is actually the exact same problem I had in Frontiers. All concepts of mystery and suspense are thrown out the window just to feed exposition to the reader/player.

This is it. They come to a conclusion as out there as "the city is alive" with clues as shaky as it's bigger and the damage from weeks ago has been fixed. No build up. No evidence. They don't have to work for the information. That wild idea is just accepted.

I take pot shots at Xenoblade 3 for lacking build up, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but I have to give that game a bit of credit because at least there everyone needed some form of confirmation before accepting a concept as weird as there being two Noahs.

This type of writing does not serve the plot or characters. It's just a quick and frankly lazy way to give the reader context. If you can't make the reveal/realization of the information your plotline revolves around even feel earned, you've failed your job as a writer.

3. Sonic has to be taught the power of friendship and teamwork.

Sonic T. Hedgehog actually learns it's good to work with others. Something he's literally been doing this entire comic. Like please name a single time he hasn't been working with at least some part of his ensemble to complete a goal.

I suppose it's trying to be a response to this line from the previous issue, however Sonic never suggested going at it alone. He literally said they should work as a team and get the job done together.

This isn't even a case of "play the games" because it doesn't bother being consistent with itself.

4. Why is Sonic deferring to Lanolin

Does everyone forget this is a part of Sonic's character?

But it's because she's the next Sally stand-in. That's why he's tolerating her scolding and following her orders. Forget the fact that she's the least experienced one on this team and knows it herself, this mission was her idea so clearly she's in charge!

I don't dislike Lanolin and frankly I don't really care that Flynn is trying to find someone to make the new de facto Sally, better Lanolin than Amy in my books. However, this bossy bitch attitude is pretty far removed from when we last saw her. She was more easily startled, a bit submissive yet still kind and courteous.

Really not the type of person I'd expect to be saying things like this.

And therein lies the problem. By trying to make different characters into Sally, it erases what personality they had before that was arguably more interesting. If they want to say Lanolin just changed and grew into this, then they should've given us some indication.

I said before what makes a new character compelling is seeing how Sonic inspires them, but we don't get to see that journey with Lanolin because it's glossed over in a small summary.

Well, maybe her character arc is just kicking off, she is still jumpy and breaks down after they fell in the portal, after all. Maybe the whole boss-man routine is just a facade and Sonic will offer her encouragement and teach her it's better to be true to yourself, giving her the confidence to lead her own way– oh, nope. That's Tangle.

Where the hell does Sonic fit into this universe if none of these OCs really need him for anything?

5. The great OC debate

I've already said my peace about why I'm not fond of the huge focus on OCs in IDW, so I won't repeat myself here.

Part of me gets it, there's less restrictions on entirely new characters than there are on the pre-established game cast. Of course, those restrictions –or "mandates" as they've been coined– exist for a reason and should really only be a constant hurdle if you refuse to learn, both from your own mistakes and other official media.

If you are frequently getting notes about your portrayal of a character that is not yours, the fault lies with you and not the person giving you the notes.

Creating a bunch of characters as a way to get around that process does nothing to address the actual issue.

Of course, I've seen it said with this arc, "stop complaining about all the OCs, a bunch of the game cast is coming in soon, so just wait!" Oddly enough, that's another issue I'm having with this arc and the comic in general.

I am frankly fatigued by the amount of times they mash tons of characters together for a big ol' Avengers-style gig. Is it too much to ask that some of the extended cast that aren't named Tails get used in smaller, more personal ways rather than giant team ups?

We've gotten some of those, don't get me wrong. It's been a bit since the last huge cast clash, but it's just not something I'm itching to see again, especially after the story has revolved around OCs like Belle and Surge for awhile. I want more small-group adventures with the game cast so they can truly be utilized in a meaningful way.

6. There's too many big subjects fighting for space on the page

The Diamond Cutters fiasco played no role in anything, partly because there just didn't appear to be time to show it actually causing any tension. Lanolin's introduction and self-doubt as a leader comes and goes very quickly without any build up or foreshadowing. The expanding city, while being the main focus, is figured out way too fast on loose clues. They try to teach Sonic a "lesson" but it never actually bothers to show him having issues with that subject.

Everything is rushed and not getting enough time to fully cook, causing pacing problems. There's already this many things competing for focus and they're just gonna throw more characters at it. That's not gonna solve the issue. All of these points should be significant to the story, yet they are condensed to hell and no part of this plot is actively being played up in the slightest.

I'll be honest, I don't know if I even want to bother with this comic anymore. I liked Scrapnik Island, but I am just growing tired of the mainline stuff. I didn't even bother reading #57 until the leaks happened, my dash blew up and I went "SURELY there's some context in #57" only to find there was none. We're only two issues in and this arc is already suffering with pacing problems and has shown no redeeming qualities.

If this is the quality they've settled for so far, then I'm scared what they're gonna do with Team Dark.

[pippin-katz]

Favorite Merthur Things - Part 4

Obviously everyone loves this scene in general and while my little shipper heart loves to see that, what I’m gonna say could be true either way!

Something that I think a lot of Merlin fans notice about this scene is just how distraught Arthur looks.

I think the big reason Arthur is so upset here is because he actually sees Uther trying to kill him.

He knows that Uther has been trying to kill the others, (Gwen & Percival) but he didn’t see it happen. It can be upsetting to know something, but it is so much worse when you see it for yourself. There’s also the denial he had been clinging to that they had just been accidents before they actually see Uther.

Those incidents were indirect attacks. Granted the one on Percival could’ve been way worse, but it’s not as though Uther swung the axe himself. It’s not as thought he murdered Gwen outright; he trapped her so that she would die, but he didn’t literally try to kill her.

Here, Uther has him pinned to the wall with spears, and is actively advancing on him with his own sword.

Any hope or scrap of denial that his father cares for him is shattered.

Uther never approved of Gwen or the non-noble knights idea, but it was him who appointed Merlin his manservant in the first place. While he’d been willing to let Merlin die over the years, he had never attempted to murder him. Even when Merlin was being a nuisance and terrible servant, he didn’t order Arthur to get rid of him. He even acknowledges and appreciates Merlin’s loyalty.

There’s other moments, but this is the really big one. Uther is being completely honest and genuine because he thinks he’s going to die. As big of an asshole he is to Merlin, there is some sort of underlying respect for him because of his dedication to Arthur. I think Arthur knows that too, at least a little bit.

So to see Uther trying to kill Merlin outright even though he knows all that he’s done for him, it makes the damn crack. He doesn’t know that Uther’s so determined because of the magic, so all he sees is his father trying to kill his best friend. Knowing about the other attacks and now seeing this one? He is justifiably devastated.

I wish Arthur had been allowed to cry more. I know Merlin suffers the most, but it’s not even a question that Arthur is right behind him in second place.

[radiotransmissionaac]

venting about a break up

So I recently got broken up with by my partner of five and a half years. And some of it was definitely my fault these things go both ways. I have a bad instinct of withholding information or wanting to keep things private to protect myself which I understand is something I need to work on and have sincerely been doing for the past several years. This unfortunately rubbed up against my ex’s fear of abandonment and she interpreted it as dishonesty, and started doubting all of my actions and intention. In short, we both stopped wholly trusting each other. On my end, for different reasons that I won’t share here.

When we last spoke I could tell she was, ironically, holding things back from me which I don’t resent them for (genuine). But I could tell it’s because of my disability. One of the things they tried to pass off as a joke was “I’m trying not to feel ableist about [breaking up with you.]” And admitting that there were things they weren’t saying because ‘I didn’t deserve mean things said to me.’

The last part which really hurt me was “I feel like there’s nothing to look forward to in our relationship.”

Over the last six months or more I’ve tried so hard to do things with and for them in spite of my chronic illness. But sometimes that only made them more upset because it just wasn’t the same or ‘felt disingenuous’ or I ‘wasn’t spending my energy on recovery.’ But doing things that accomodated my disability also seemed to make them upset or uncomfortable in some small but heavily present way. When I made jokes about my AAC or even went out with them in my wheelchair there was this, I don’t know, this tension.

It slowly became clearer and clearer that what they really wanted from me was full and complete recovery and a ‘return to normal.’ One of the last things we did as a couple was go on a big trip with friends which they kept insisting that they hoped and believed it would (fix me) help my recovery. They messaged me when they were hovering around breaking up but hadn’t committed yet that they hoped me ‘spending less time and energy on our relationship would help me spend more time on my recovery.’

I wanted to write all this out and share it because I know my partner wasn’t some horrible two dimensional caricature of an ableist. They did things to love and support me. And I did things that hurt them. That there was a lot of grief she had and I don’t think was processing. But it still hurt and continues to hurt me.

And I don’t know if I’m justified in that or if I’m making it all about me or if there’s some side to this I’m just not seeing and I’d love some advice. (Genuine).

[silver-heller]

So um, I've been vaguely informed (the details aren't really my business) there's been a situation so I just want to clarify something:

My vent posts are just that, vent posts. They're not me making an educated callout on an individual and they shouldn't be seen as THIS PERSON IS JUST A TERRIBLE PERSON AND HERE'S THE 100% LOGICAL REASONS WHY. I only put it in caps to clarify I think that's how I came off, my vents don't reflect how I actually see people, they reflect how I see people in that hurt state.

Does that justify not adding clarity to begin with? No, and I will definitely do so in the future, but I feel clarifying now is better than just leaving this confusion in the air. So here it is.

I will be more careful in the future that my vents don't breach containment, I tried to be clear the goal was not harassment and I do genuinely feel bad that apparently someone saw and took it as quite genuine. In this situation, it was less about the person and more a trend of people accidentally making a character's "evil side" into an alter like entity because they think it's cute, funny, or hot. People are often way more willing to accept that than actual system relationships.

It ended up hitting on a sour spot because for a long time I've had a deep and extremely important relationship with an alter of mine, but I'd constantly worried due to the nature of said alter, it would be heavily judged and not as accepted as if I just saw him as a fictional character. This is not a justification, but an explanation for the layers of hurt on top of it being a very bad stereotype. The fact I haven't been more open about the relationship is on me, and you know what? I should be, even if others will look down on me for it. That's their damage.

I can't speak for the original intent of the user I was venting about, and I should have been clear I was reacting to how it all came across rather than knowing their full intent. Which yes, it came across really bad but, people make mistakes. People get scared and do dumb things. It happens, so again, should have been clear their intent was unknown, it just came off bad in a way that made me feel like I had to block to protect myself.

I'm not going to tell you not to "tattle" on me. That's really 100% up to you, but I do ask you to keep in mind the point of my vent posts before you do. Cause yeah, me venting because I am upset or triggered or what the Hell ever is going to sound really bad, but if you asked me once the dust was settled I'd probably just say, "yeah that user made a mistake, and it was enough to deeply hurt me to the point I don't want to talk to them anymore. I don't think they're a bad person, I just don't want them in my space to avoid future issues". But, next time I will try to cool down and be more open about my process, as I realize how bad some of the things I said sound.

I shouldn't have painted them as a bad moot, I should have just explained I didn't think they were very conscious of the fact I was plural, so I wanted to be more careful about moots from now on to ensure that part is understood loud and clear in ALL its regards before I accidentally put myself in (unintentionally) triggering spaces.

So uh, if it wasn't clear please don't harrass this person. Also please don't judge my friends for just trying to be supportive. Most of them only vaguely knew about the situation and only two of us were involved. They were responding to what they knew at the time and were extremely protective due to the hurt I was feeling.

I'm gonna try to make this the last post I make about this, but I just genuinely never meant to hurt anyone so I wanted to say my peace.

[jenyifer]

Crimes against Nick

I’m hopeful Boston won’t fuck up again. My ex says I just forgive Boston too easily but that’s not true.(I’ll probably do one for Nick on Boston crimes next just to spite her so haha)

So in honor of me rewatching all the BostonNick bits here are some of the worst mental damages Boston has inflicted on Nick in my opinion.

1. The worst one in my opinion is the phone isle confirmation. Name a worse love confession. Boston completely rejecting Nick awful psychic damage.

2. Controversial pick probably but next I’d put the Halloween party. Nick really thought he could talk to Boston again it’d been some time since their breakup (for convenience let’s call it that). But Boston questions why Nick would think he’d have any place in Boston’s life. Then Boston ignores him and goes off with Atom. Nick is so devastated he gives up on Boston coming back. He also seems to have lasting effects of this conversation in episode 9 10 and 11. It haunts him because Nick wonders what he could have done better Boston frames it like that and it effectively slices Nick up into a million pieces.

3. Boston sleeping with Top. Also something I often forget Nick got to hear about MewRay before this. He got the full car convo. So everything is super fucked. Yes the audio does Immense damage on Nick. BUT I don’t have it higher because Nick can still justify being with Boston. He isn’t delulu he knows their relationship wasn’t closed. It just hurts Nick he’s not the one Boston wants. Nick can’t be top. Also the depths Boston will go to get his goal.

4. Boston rejecting Nick’s comfort after Mews bday party. It’s a little thing but Nick could see his lies chasing him and Nick needed comfort as well. But he reached out to Boston and was denied. I feel like to Nick this cemented him back in a reality where he’s just a prop in Bostons life and not a person. (To be fair to Boston he didn’t mean to hurt Nick here He did want Nick at his side it was just he was so hurt upset with himself he couldn’t take nicks love and didn’t know Nick himself was tortured by the nights events)

5. Boston calling Gap disgusting for filming him. Does make Nick feel awful idk whether to put this one on or not. Because Boston does except Nick’s comfort which is good. BUT I THINK THIS SCENE HAUNTED NICK FOR THE REST OF THE SERIES SO MUCH FORESHADOWING. Might write about it might not it was ep6

Honorable mentions: Boston calling Nick his friend at Mews bday party. Nick seeing Boston and random guy at the bar when he’s on a date with Dan.

Questionable mentions: Boston denying taking a photo with nick (he did take a photo). Boston calling Nick his customer(Bostons first ever apology in the show is to Nick here). Boston not answering if Nick could have extra men too at the pool date(Boston dodged this by talking about how he kind of wants to be with just nick).

Non Boston related injuries:

1. Sand revealing the audio. If that was to rank in this list I’d put it above the actual recording of Top and Boston. Nick really loves Sand genuinely. I think this hurt him

2. Top making Nick feel less than during Nick’s stay away from Boston speech.

3. Mew saying Boston couldn’t love anyone and Nick was a victim after BosotnNick Breakup. I think the manipulation tactics would hurt Nick extra hard while he was still in the shock hurt stage of breakup. And once Nick calmed down I bet he regretted what he did.

4. Ray being a dick either time. I don’t think Nick takes what Ray says too seriously. Yes Nick knows Ray is Bostons best friend so from that POV it does hurt but Nick knows Ray was already hurt not because of Nick what Ray said may or may not be true. Nick barely knows him. I doubt either time stuck.