#and frankly. I resent the implication that I would ever in my life— | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

phoenixyfriend · 4 years ago

Text

The IzuTobi Prequel

Prequel to this post, which I’ve taken to calling the “Red Eyes = Spouse Material” AU.

WARNING: contains a reference to worries/fears of sexual coercion.

Like, okay, they did not know that Tobirama had red eyes at first. They weren't close enough on the river for Izuna to see, since he didn't have Sharingan yet, while Tajima and Madara were looking at their respective opponents, not Tobirama.

Then, once they were in their early teens, and Izuna already had his Sharingan, they met on the battlefield for the first time, and Izuna saw Tobirama's eyes. Sure, Tobirama wouldn't meet his gaze, but Izuna could still see him.

And Izuna, as is only natural, went to Madara to ask 'hey uhhhhhhhhh one of our enemies is actually Amaterasu-blessed, what do.'

And Madara's just like '!!!!!' because hey actually this is great news everybody knows that the first step upon meeting an unmarried stranger with red eyes is to figure out who the best person to court them is, they can get a marriage alliance out of this to end the bloodshed and child death! Even the Elders can't argue against having a clan marriage to an Amaterasu-blessed indivi--

They object.

Well, Tajima objects.

Madara and Izuna bring the issue to him, both pretty excited about doing the whole "arranged engagement in the early teens, actual marriage at twenty or so" thing as a way to stop killing kids but Nope! For a variety of reasons, most of which boil down on Tajima's side to "the Senju have killed three of my children, I have no interest in taking in one of their own," the plan is shot down.

Madara and Izuna are naturally devastated but keep an eye out for like. A chance. To slip the info to Tobirama or Hashirama so they're at least aware of the possibility for when Tajima dies, in case Butsuma is more open to it?

I can't decide if they actually manage to set up a Secret Meeting prior to their dads' deaths, but I'm leaning towards 'no.'

(In this plot, Izuna is still wary of the Senju, but much more open to the idea of peace on account of Auspicious Omens Are Here.)

Anyway, Tajima dies first, I think, and Madara's first act as Clan Head is to send Hashirama a request by hawk for a private meeting. Hashirama is still only heir, not Clan Head, but Butsuma is ill (infected wound, I think), so Hashirama has the option of accepting this.

They meet, and Madara explains that he can sway most of the clan into an alliance--not just an armistice, but an actual alliance, possibly even establish that village they talked about as kids--if they can marry Tobirama into the Uchiha.

"Does it have to be Tobirama?" Hashirama asks, because he's not the best brother, but he's good enough to know that Tobirama hates the idea of getting married.

"Yes," Madara says, and then explains that it's all in the eyes, that this is a deeply spiritual thing to the clan and while some of the more militant elders may object, most of the clan will take the red eyes as a sign that this is intended to happen.

And Hashirama is quiet, and then asks if a marriage would require Tobirama to sire any children.

"We're not going to try to steal a kekkei genkai."

"That's not it."

"...wait, does he prefer men? We can--we can make that happen. If it's... hell, in that case it might work better, he could marry me or Izuna, direct connection to the main house, skip the issue of heirs and--"

"No, that's not... not it. But it makes me feel better to know that. I'll have to run it past him."

Tobirama is VERY ace and Hashirama had strict plans to respect that so he's trying to feel out if consummation would be required, or if a kiss for the wedding and then cohabitation would be enough.

Internal logic is "I want peace but not at the expense of handing my brother over for coerced marital rape where he thinks he can't say no without restarting the war."

He manages to get the agreement that the Uchiha weren't looking to pressure Tobirama into any sex-related things, though Madara still thinks it's a matter of Bloodline Protection and that Hashirama is worried about, like, someone trying to steal surplus semen or something.

Hashirama goes home and outlines it to Tobirama, who is very ??? about the whole thing but willing to at least consider it after Hashirama explains the basic requirements and how he confirmed that sexual relations aren't necessary. Hashirama floats it past Butsuma as a Theoretical Exercise, and is shot down.

So, Hashirama sends Madara a letter to the effect of "Our esteemed Clan Head says no, but we'll keep it in mind [insert veiled implication that Butsuma's dying anyway here]."

Madara and Hashirama have always kinda held back against each other, but now Tobirama and Izuna are also holding back the teensiest bit, just enough that nobody can be sure (and tell Butsuma or and Elder about it).

Well, Touka notices, but her first resort is "ask Tobirama to his face" and second resort is "bother Hashirama about it" so she gets the rundown on how Madara and Izuna are angling to get a political marriage with Tobirama since his eyes are Apparently a spiritual matter to the Uchiha as a whole.

Obviously, Butsuma dies, and Hashirama then immediately sends Madara a letter like "HEY so I'm Clan Head now, here's a nice inn located in neutral territory, bring your brother and an advisor, I'll do the same, let's hammer out a contract ASAP."

So it's Hashirama, Tobirama, and Touka on one side, Madara, Izuna, and Hikaku on the other.

Tobirama explains that he refuses to engage in sexual relations with anyone he marries (internally he's thinking that he might eventually take interest if he gets comfortable enough, but overall the entire concept is a little disgusting to him, and he doesn't want anyone to think they can convince him to do it, so he takes a hardline stance during the marriage contract negotiation process), but is open to his marriage partner engaging in an extramarital affair for a period of time in order to secure an heir.

"I promise we're not trying to steal your--" "Madara. Look at me. I do not like sex, and have never had any intention to engage in the activity with anyone, Uchiha or Senju or any clan at all. I had no plans for marriage, ever. The only reason I am opening myself to this one is because I value the opportunity for peace." "...oh."

So, you know, that's out in the open now, but it actually makes it easier to negotiate because they now know why he's uncomfortable with the idea of marriage, so other things (like the cohabitation and dowry and whatnot) can be discussed without people getting resentful about the other party not trusting them with genetic material. Hashirama and Madara get really excited about the whole village idea again, in part because Hashirama wants his brother to be able to visit Really Easily.

At one point they ask Tobirama who he wants to marry, if there's anyone he's interested in? Male or female? What ages is he comfortable with? Main line would be most politically expedient, but--

And he's just like "I know Izuna best, as my rival, and I've taken note of enough recently to know he's not a terrible person, at least as far as any shinobi can be 'good.' If Izuna is open to it, then I would like to discuss what cohabitation would look like between us. Should our expectations of daily life line up well enough, then I imagine that would be optimal."

Izuna's torn, because Amaterasu-blessed, but also he'd kind of been hoping for a Real Marriage with Affection and Children. Touka loudly suggests they take a recess and let Tobirama and Izuna talk in private for a bit.

Izuna manages to get across his personal worries, and Tobirama laughs and says that he actually loves children and was planning to take on plenty of students. "If you don't like the option of the extramarital affair for a child, we could always adopt. As for affection... I've been told I cling like an eel in my sleep, if that suggests anything."

"So if I grew enough feelings that I wanted, like... a good morning kiss or something..." "Quite frankly, my feelings on kissing in general are pretty neutral. It's a little strange, but I could engage with it, once a rapport is built. Heavy petting is distasteful, however, and anything past that..."

And Izuna listens to all that like "Oh. Okay, I will be able to Acquire Cuddles."

Then they discuss the whole 'what do we anticipate out of cohabitation' thing, like pets and cleanliness standards and what spare rooms are for and what goes on in the basement and allergies. It matches up... not perfectly, really, but close enough that they can make it work. They shake hands like the nerds they are and call their families back in and say they've decided it'll work so let's get that paperwork drawn up and start planning a wedding.

Aaaaaaaaaaand then Zetsu kills Izuna and convinces Madara that it was Tobirama's fault so he loses the plot (or, well, finds the canon plot, really).

I'm happy to imagine Tobirama and Izuna on a couch in their house, Izuna halfway asleep and leaning his head on Tobirama's shoulder, while Tobirama's got on a pair of glasses and is reading a book.

Just. Really domestic.

Cutesy.

IDK I feel like they just end up as pleasant roommates who don't necessarily ignore each other, but are well aware of the fact that they entered into this arrangement with non-romance expectations, and they're both okay with that.

They take dinner together, talk shop, try to engage with each other's hobbies, go to events as each other's default plus-one...

It’s Nice

#IzuTobi #Uchiha Izuna #Senju Tobirama #Izuna Uchiha #Tobirama Senju #Uchiha Madara #Senju Hashirama #Senju Touka #Naruto #Naruto Oldies #Founders Era #Phoenix Posts

129 notes · View notes

apparitionism · 3 years ago

Text

Run 7a

This is the first installment of a two-part part. The second half is done, but it needs a couple more passes... not that it’s ever going to sing, but I’d like it to at least talk sense. Anyway, the AU basics here are as follows: Myka and Helena met each other and enjoyed a brief affair of great intensity; Myka thought Helena betrayed her; Helena is now attempting to make amends for what she didn’t at the time see as a betrayal; Myka doesn’t have any idea Helena is doing the atonement polka and is trying to keep a cold distance from her. The story also has a lot to do with athletic competition, shoes, and running, and what bodies are, and what they can and should do. See part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, and part 6 for all that jazz.

Run 7a

In the elevator, alone: This is what I’m supposed to want, Myka thought. To be alone in this elevator. To be alone, and not with Helena, in this elevator.

Standing near her, with night looming. Night.

Talking: your father, my father. She wanted to ask about Helena’s mother now—wanted to know everything. Wanted to tell about her own mother. Stupid, useless wants. Here is how I became who I am; how did you become who you are?

But she despised who Helena was.

And she despised who she, Myka, was too: nothing but an animal panting with her need to move her body to Helena’s body, to entwine her hands with Helena’s hands, to press her mouth to Helena’s mouth, terrified that her body would betray her by actually panting, by being unable to hold back its legibly, palpably eager and desperate breath.

Was that why Helena had taken that step back and given Myka the elevator? Because she knew enough, had always known enough, about Myka’s body to recognize what it was aching for? Maybe that bottle of Romanian wine really had been nothing but a peace offering; even so, this horrific, breathing need made it all so clear. Myka had to stay far, far away from Helena Wells.

Her clarity now echoed that of the past: the morning after their final confrontation, Myka had risen for her run, pushing breakage and failure from her mind, giving over instead to muscle memory. Put feet on floor; brush teeth; layer on clothing; apply socks, shoes; tie laces; pull hair back; pocket key; all ready, everything else pushed aside.

She had opened her door, however, to find the disaster still sickening before her: jagged bottle-teeth littered the hall, and wine was taking its viscous time souring to vinegar, dark and sticky on the old wood. Of course no one had cleaned it up—most likely, no one had noticed any of it.

What are you doing here.

Leaving, Myka had told herself, placing her soles carefully to avoid the glass. Leaving this minute to run away from it; leaving soon, and sooner if possible, to run far away from it.

The irony now, here, at AAI, was that she had to wait instead of run. She had to hold very still and cling to the idea that not moving would be her escape.

The following day, “hold very still” took the form of accepting a lunch invitation from Giselle, her acceptance accompanied—or, more honestly, prompted—by the unruly thought, At least it’ll keep her away from Helena. Her follow-up thought was, What, really, is your objection to that? Which one do you think you own?

She and Giselle slipped into a crowded “down” elevator at the last instant before its doors closed—at which point Myka nearly threw her hands up in surrender, because of course: Helena. So they shared an elevator space after all... but better, Myka tried to tell herself, better the crowd today than the intimacy that would have been last night. No panting, no temptation.

Or maybe she was wrong about temptation. Helena seemed to send Giselle a meaningful look, the sort of flicking glance that Myka had once taken for hers alone. Giselle returned that look with a flirty smirk. She’d flirty-smirked at Myka plenty of times, but it most likely meant something different when she directed it at Helena. Something far more special.

So much for this lunch keeping Giselle from anything.

“Ladies,” Helena said. She was on Giselle’s right; Myka was on Giselle’s left.

Giselle said, with half a grin, “Oklahoma.”

“Incomprehensible sport reference,” Helena said in a grumble that Myka resented recognizing as half real, half for show.

Giselle shoulder-bumped her. “Listen when I talk: I’m Texas.”

Helena shoulder-bumped back. “I was attempting to respond at least vaguely in kind.”

“Myka, explain sports to her,” Giselle said. “Only so many times I can try.”

Myka had been holding herself back from inserting her body between theirs, a physical Don’t be friendly! shriek of ownership over them both. Now she said, as calmly as she could, “That would not go well.”

“She’s already tried to tell me what shoes are for,” Helena complained to Giselle.

Giselle crossed her arms. “Has she.”

Was Myka trying to get Giselle on her side with what she said next? Probably. But Giselle should have been on her side—on AAI’s side, at least—already. “All I told her was that the public shouldn’t have Deceits.”

“She doesn’t want them in competition either,” was Helena’s next jab.

“I bet she doesn’t,” Giselle said, very mild, to Helena. She turned to Myka. “Do you.”

“Of course not,” Myka said.

Helena shrugged, saying to Giselle, “Then she should keep them out of competition.”

Was that a taunt? “How are we supposed to do that?” Myka demanded. “She’s made it impossible.”

Giselle inclined her head toward Helena, a “your turn” move.

Helena obliged. “I haven’t; Zelus has. But frankly, competition is one small corner of a very large field. The company wants Deceits everywhere.”

Myka leaned past Giselle to say, “Well, I don’t.” Saying this, now, directly to Helena; as if saying it harshly enough would make Helena buckle.

Helena offered another shrug, as if she didn’t care what Myka said, or to whom she said it. “In the company’s history, has there been a shoe they didn’t want everywhere? And in any event,” she said now, leaning her own way across Giselle, even farther than Myka had, “everyone wants to run faster.” She gave a cold little laugh. “Everyone but you.” Clearly a taunt.

Myka said, cold in return and true, “That’s right. Not if it’s fake.”

Helena replaced her body at Giselle’s side then, no response other than that. It left Myka hanging, casting new darting glances at Helena and Giselle side by side, as the elevator descended, floor by floor.

Myka had already spent time angrily considering how beautiful they would have been together as younger versions of themselves, but now she was confronted with how beautiful they were together as these this-minute versions. Her resentment of it, of them, gnawed at her, for who was she, who lied about a boyfriend, to get in the way of beauty? She lied to keep her life free of complication, and beauty was complicating. Insurmountably so.

She had to—had to—let go of the idea of Helena as hers. Stupid recalcitrance, clinging to it, for of course Helena had never been hers. She needed to understand that, down to her shoelaces. And whatever special version of herself Helena had made her seem? All right, yes, she had wanted it... Don’t you still want it? she imagined Helena asking, low, seductive.

Not if it’s fake.

She needed to focus on what wasn’t fake: the job she had now, and the importance of making sure she did it.

Also not fake was the fact that Giselle and Helena were two beautiful people who were beautiful together. Get used to this picture, Myka told herself. It’s the one you should want to see.

Myka considered asking Helena to join them for lunch, just to force herself to look at that picture. Then she asked herself, Or would it be to try to insert yourself between them?

The elevator ride ended before she could—or would—allow herself to discern which was more true.

At the restaurant, Myka ordered a layered-vegetable sandwich, suffering through Giselle’s eyeroll at her “without the bread, please” request; Giselle’s choice of a heavily condimented burger and fries was most likely an additional rebuke. When their food arrived, the elements of Giselle’s plate resembled browned, glistening figures arrayed on a crowded beach. Myka’s precise stack of vegetables, meanwhile, was a minimalist skyscraper.

Giselle said, “So that isn’t a sandwich anymore. You know that, right?”

“Don’t tell me what a sandwich isn’t,” Myka said.

That was clearly too much of a snap, for after a pause, Giselle asked, “You okay?”

“Of course. I just want what I want.” To demonstrate, she sliced through the skyscraper, and if impaling the resultant wedge didn’t solve her Helena-and-Giselle problem, it did satisfy.

Giselle said, “Not unrelated: I know something you don’t know.”

“Now who’s on-brand?” But that was too much of a snipe. Get yourself under control.

“Hmmm... what’s it worth to you?”

“How should I know?”

“Fair point. What if it’s worth a lot?”

“Then it would be... good for me to know?”

“Right, but what do I get out of it?”

“Um. Gratitude?”

“I was thinking three days in Monaco,” Giselle said and she looked directly into Myka’s eyes, no diverting, no nonchalant return to the eating of fries.

Her saying that, saying it as she did, was a relief, surprising in its strength: so Giselle and Helena were not back together—or if they were, it didn’t matter. Myka could not in the moment process all the resulting implications, so she said, “We’ll see,” as a way of maybe, possibly, expanding her idea of what the future could reasonably hold.

“Most hope you’ve ever given me,” Giselle said. She deployed a flirty smirk, but it seemed warmer, just a little, in cast and cant, than the Helena one. Was Myka special after all?

“Well, maybe times are changing,” Myka said, hoping it was true. Hoping it was time.

“Exciting news,” Giselle said, and not as dispassionately as she might have done; Myka almost believed her. “So here’s my news for you: Zelus wants to buy Ingenumedix. No, let me rephrase: Zelus really wants to buy Ingenumedix.”

Ingenumedix? That pinged; Myka concentrated and located the source: a newspaper article she’d glanced over, some months ago. “That’s a tech start-up... what does Zelus want it for?”

“Wearables, I heard.”

“Where did you hear this?”

“Does it matter? I’m in communications. People communicate with me. People who care. It’s a tip from someone who cares.”

Someone who cares... “About what?” Myka asked. “Competition being fair?”

Giselle laughed. “Sure. Why not call it that?”

“But why is it worth enough for three days in Monaco?” Myka asked, but as she said those words, she heard how they sounded, and she realized what she’d implied. “I don’t mean you aren’t yourself worth those three days,” she stumbled to say, “because of course you are. Or I... I mean I imagine you would be. Not that I imagine you in Monaco, because of course I don’t. Not you.” No, no, no; that was even wronger. “Not just not you, though; I mean, not you, and of course not anybody else either, because... why am I still talking?” This is where complication gets you.

“Why? Maybe working your way to telling me what you do imagine,” Giselle said, sly. “But don’t worry about hurting my feelings. Three days in Monaco with me? I know what that’s worth. What matters is, I’m in communications.”

“What?” Myka said, baffled.

“Yes. What. But really, you’re asking who. Doesn’t matter, though. Who, what. I don’t know.”

Clearly, Giselle was not going to be clear. Myka said, “I always found ‘Who’s on first’ very confusing.”

“Your problem not mine,” Giselle said. She chuckled. “Speaking of your problem, fun times in the elevator with Helena! You two fighting through me—then around me—that was a show. A show plus.”

“She isn’t my problem,” Myka said, willing it to be true.

“And here I thought you were working on the shoes.”

“Right, but not—she’s not my problem. The shoes are.”

“She’s here because of the shoes.”

“Which are my only problem,” Myka said, again trying to force the truth of it.

“Let me be clear: she’s here.” After this pronouncement, Giselle bit an enormous hunk from her hamburger.

Myka took a new pristine slice from her skyscraper, piercing it perfectly—perfectly satisfyingly—through all its layers. “Let me be clear back,” she said, pleased that she could gesture with the fork holding it, if carefully. That, at least, was clean and unconfusing. “I won’t let that be my problem.”

“That may not be your call.”

“I won’t let that not be my call.”

“You are precious.”

“Thanks,” Myka said, with what she hoped was a long-suffering eyeroll of her own.

“I mean it in the not-mean way.”

“You and Pete are both a lot meaner than you seem to think.”

Giselle took up a French fry. She waved it lazily around—left, right—her wrist flopping limp each way. After this display of nonchalance, she said, “About Pete.”

“What about him?” Myka asked, slicing the skyscraper again. She had to concentrate to do it, so as to keep the layers from collapsing into a sliding mess, like a poorly planned building implosion. Now it was a challenge, to keep it standing as long as possible.

“That’s what I’m wondering. Are he and Helena alike at all?”

She’d thought she understood the game. But what did Pete have to do with any of it? “Why would you ask me that?”

Giselle dropped the fry and raised her hands. “Okay,” she said. “Backing off.”

Unclear about what Giselle was backing off from, Myka too backed off. She abandoned the vegetable skyscraper, though she was barely halfway through its demolition. What good could come from forcing—or even witnessing—its inevitable fall?

Myka had called Steve the night before, the night of the elevator, thinking to convince herself that any feelings she might be feeling were nothing but remnants of a brief bit of the past, and that she was perfectly able to talk about that past using the appropriate past tense. “You’ll never guess who, I mean whom, I’ve run into,” she said.

He didn’t respond at first. Then he said, “Uh oh.”

“What?” Myka asked. Seriously, had he immediately jumped to—

“A peacock,” he said, because clearly, he had.

“Are you a mind reader?”

“Voice reader. What happened?”

“Nothing happened.” But not because I know what I’m doing, she thought. That elevator could have—would have—been a complete disaster. “She’s here to... anyway, she’s here, and I can’t do anything about it.”

“As a voice reader, it sounds to me like the picture’s still pretty.”

She considered dissembling. Pointless. So she said, “God. Still.” Only to him could she have said such a thing, and it was a relief to have said it out loud, with no twinge of sarcasm or dismissal. But it was also a burden, real and true, to acknowledge with voice and breath that she did still find the view that was Helena so compelling.

He said a low “Hmmm.” Then, “I thought you gave it up. All of it.”

“I did.”

“But you’re rethinking.”

“Absolutely not,” she declared, loud, aggressive. But this was Steve, so she had to be honest. “Well. I was starting to. With someone else. Vaguely. But I keep rethinking. That.”

“Rethinking starting the rethinking.”

“Yes.”

“I’m unclear on where you actually are in the thinking process.”

“When I hear it out loud, so am I. How’s Liam?”

“Handsome,” Steve said, and Myka could hear his half-smile, picture his incipient left-cheek dimple.

“No rethinking for either of you, right?”

“Nope. Wedding’s still on. And you’re not allowed to rethink showing up, best person.”

It was a glancing reference to how she’d become... unreliable. After. So much so, Steve had taken to camping out on the couch that lived on her apartment building’s porch, early in the morning, coffee in hand, waiting for her to return from her run so she couldn’t avoid him. “For my own peace of mind,” he would say, transparently.

Over the course of several mornings, she explained that she was considering going home again, waiting again, this time until she knew for certain.

She didn’t tell him about the coin that had done her so wrong.

He had expressed understanding, but he had also noted that the choice wasn’t binary: to lawyer or to run away. And then he’d sent her links to several job postings, one of which was at AAI.

After Myka accepted the AAI position, she took the news of it to her father. She had her arguments prepared: she told him that law school hadn’t been enough of a challenge. That was the truth. That she’d been ambivalent about law—also true—and that she wanted to take what she’d learned and use it differently than anyone expected. “Even you,” she tried to joke.

“Expectations,” he’d said, and she waited for him to go on. Waited. Eventually, he would have to fill the void. “Good run this morning?” he asked at last.

She couldn’t cry; it would have confirmed what she was reasonably sure he’d guessed, that she was trying to work her way out of something terrible. So she kept the hot red relief behind her nose, away from her eyes and throat, and said, “First few miles were ragged, but I found a stride about halfway. You?”

“Listened to my knees pop the whole time. You think I should get one of those i-things, with the little earbud whatevers? How loud do they go? Would that drown it all out?”

That had been the end of it, as far as Myka had ever been able to tell. Her father listened to her talk about AAI, asked focused questions, and expressed admiration for the ex-athletes she worked with. She breathed a little easier after each conversation.

So Myka owed Steve.

After much puzzling over what could possibly constitute an appropriate wedding present, she’d at last lit on the idea of, then actually found, a Matchbox-car Saab, which she’d repainted orange. One or more of his high school friends might have had the same idea, but a good friend—the best friend—couldn’t really have too many model orange Saabs. Probably.

And all right, yes: she’d thought about Helena. Constantly. When she’d ideated the toy Saab. When she’d bought the car and the orange paint. When she’d applied coat after painstaking coat to cover its original unassuming amber. She’d thought and thought and thought, against her will but not really, about that time she was not known for driving an orange Saab.

She considered that she herself might have called Helena into being, here, now, by doing all that thinking. “It’s kind of your fault,” she was tempted to say to Steve... but she had to wait until after the wedding for that. By then, at least, it would be nothing but comedy, for by then, all this Helena business would be behind her.

This is what I’m supposed to want.

TBC

#bering and wells #Warehouse 13 #fanfic #Run #part 7a #obviously Myka wants what (whom) she wants #but how can she reconcile that with who she believes herself to be?#want is so very inconvenient #as so many Mykas tend to discover #and it can make you unrecognizable to yourself #as so many Mykas ALSO tend to discover #whoops--forgot to add:#AU week

28 notes · View notes

mggpleasedontlookhere · 4 years ago

Text

it should’ve been you pt. 2

summary: after getting suspended after the incident on the jet, y/n has a hard time dealing with the aftermath of the situation, only then she realizes that her and spencer are one and the same

word count: 3,825 reading time aprox: 14 mins

masterlist

part 1

3 months.

It has been 3 months since Spencer had been charged with suspension in participating in any cases. In regards to the reprimands brought upon me by Hotch, I had received a mere 1 month of suspension for my violent act on the jet.

Truth be told, the 1 month was worth it

The words that ardently escaped Spencer’s lips that day sat perpetually ingrained on my mind, next to the lingering memory of his belligerent eyes. Despite my indignation of Spencer’s behavior, his words added to the ever growing grief of Ryler’s death, self reproach fueling my mind.

But at the end of the day, some of the blame could be brought on Spencer. He should’ve spoke up sooner if he had clue that I wasn’t efficient in the field. He should’ve done something to prevent Ryler’s death.

Right?

I had just gotten back from my suspension, completing the final reports of a case and handling the tedious paper work that nobody wanted to deal with. I wasn’t permitted to investigate any cases with the team yet considering that I was still under surveillance. But I kept my distance from them, especially Hotch, knowing his attention would linger on me slightly longer than the other agents.

I sighed, finishing up the latter of reports and standing up to submit the files to Hotch. As I ventured through the lively commotion of agents and supervisors, I spotted the team near the kitchenette of the bullpen. They were all in a fit of laughter, a sight that was infrequent with the career we possessed. A bubbling sensation burned in my stomach as I watched their faces contort in bliss. I clenched my fingers around the reports, creating small indents on the corners of the files, while a grimace replaced the once nonchalant expression I displayed. I shook my head in disapproval, then trudged off to get my task over with.

They should be working, not fucking around. If only I were there, maybe things would get done faster

Barging into Hotch’s office, I discarded the work at the front of his desk, muttering a small sentence that indicated I was finished. I didn’t dare to entertain his unrelenting scrutiny, knowing well that he was already halfway into profiling my demeanor. “If that’s all, I can go back to my desk...” I said, the tone of my voice monotonous and lifeless. “Sir” I nodded, using his silent response as a signal to leave.

“Agent Y/L/N” He interrupted, setting the paper work I finished aside along with other files that camouflaged the surface of his oak desk. “Take a seat please” He suggested, gesturing to the two office chairs that faced him. I complied still not meeting his gaze, settling down in front of him, as I fiddled with the threads at the ends of my blazer.

“Y/L/N” He repeated, only this time I looked straight into his eyes. “We’re happy to have you back in our unit” He began, a sense of sternness in his voice, similar to one a parent would use to scold their child. “I hope you took this opportunity as a break away from all the chaos we deal with” He lightheartedly joked, an amiable smile apparent of his face.

Despite his change in demeanor, my feelings of resentment coexisted beside his expressions of colloquialism. “Me, taking a break from work or was it so the team can take a break from me and Dr. Reid?” I challenged, folding my hands on my lap.

“Y/L/N” He disrupted lifting an apprehensive hand. “I’m aware of the tension between you and Reid ever since what happened back in New York, so I made the decision to give you and him the opportunity to-” He justified.

“No sir, with all due respect, your agents are out there laughing their asses off instead of working. Yet I’m the one who’s being put under scrutiny for being human?” I asserted, standing up from where I sat. “Yes I made a mistake. But for months Reid has done nothing but bludgeon everything I work for in the bureau and none of you have ever done anything about it” I scoffed as I paced in front of his desk.

“Y/L/N I’d have you know that me and the team have had numerous conversations with Reid about what hap-”

“YES THAT’S MY POINT!” I exclaimed, raising my voice slightly, although that didn’t last long due to the cautious stare I received from Hotch. “You’ve always checked up on Reid, but what about me?” I spit, narrowing my eyes at Hotch, noticing the discernible silence I received as a response. “Aren’t I part of this team? Because frankly ever since that case in Manhattan it seems like everyone can’t decide whether to blame me or pity me” I admitted, looking over to the window where I had a clear view of the people of my unit.

“Y/L/N please take a seat” He commanded, but I declined standing my ground. He sighed, tucking in his blazer as he stared at me in disbelief. “Y/L/N I’m sorry if you’ve ever felt like that but you’re on this team as much as Reid is” He claimed, an empathetic tone surrounding each word that emitted from his lips. “You’ve made a mistake and yes, it’s affected a majority of the team, but take this opportunity to grow from that mistake” He consoled, his eyes softening back into a lamentable gaze. “Use this to be a better agent” He stood up, walking over to where I was positioned and placed an affable palm to my shoulder.

Vulnerability is often used as a bridge between the connection of others. It’s used to initiate an understanding bond, to break people down to their foundations, and to help one to recognize that people aren’t alone when it comes to implications in life. Although vulnerability wasn’t the theme of mine and Hotch’s interaction.

It was pity

“Is that what you think will make me feel better? T-to make me feel accepted into this team?” I ridiculed, snatching my shoulder away from his overbearing touch. Incredulity seemed to fuel the words leaving my mouth as my glare advertised bitterness. “Do you think I’m that incompetent? That a few appraising and heartfelt words are going to make me fall in line?” I challenged.

“Y/N, please don’t make this diff-”

“DON’T ‘Y/N’ ME, HOTCH” I warned, knowing I set off an alarm inside of him as he backed off in reluctance. I knew I had attracted a few curious ears from outside of the office, but I was too blinded by my oncoming emotions to act with clarity and reason.

“YOU K-KNEW” I stuttered, my hands beginning to tremble at my sides as I wiped the sweat accumulating on them. “You knew that I wasn’t r-ready. I WASN’T READY!”.

My mind had accelerated to a thousand miles per hour, I felt numb at every word I had verbalized as if my cerebrum had malfunctioned. I hadn’t even noticed the tears that had dampened the apples of my cheeks. “Y-you knew I-i wasn’t ready, a-and you...let me go in” I sucked in a staggered breath, feeling my esophagus cinch up at the sudden inhale. “You k-killed him” I whispered through my gritted teeth, feeling all loss of competence. At this point my hormones were driving my actions, “You KILLED him” I accused, flailing my hands at his direction.

“Y/L/N go home, you’re not stable enough to be back here yet” He stated monotonously, striding back to his chair in a collected manner.

“What?” I spewed.

“Y/L/N it’s obvious that you need more time. I’m giving you a 2-weeks-leave, and I suggest you take it” He replied, taking a moment to look up at me. “I can assign you the bureau’s therapist, Dr. Montgomery, if you would like”

“N-no Hotch, are you kidding me?” I scoffed in defiance.

“Y/L/N I will have you escorted out of the building if you don’t follow my direct orders, understood?” He threatened, peering into my eyes. “Now go home” He sighed, looking over some files without giving me a second glance.

I huffed in disbelief, pulling open his office door to make an exit, ready to dash out of the room, until his words broke my stride. “Oh and Y/L/N” He spoke up, making me spin around to look at him one last time.

“While you’re on that break...learn to forgive yourself too”

From the time that phrase came out of his mouth to where I stood now seemed like a blur. The autumn drizzle trickled from my forehead to the base of my chin as the sky darkened; an omen to the place where my feet had lead me.

Spencer’s apartment

Stepping a foot into the complex, the coldness of the water droplets on my skin masked the fear that hid behind the many layers of antipathy, turbulence, and helplessness.

I felt paralyzed, contrary to my feet that continued to venture through the halls to find Spencer’s residence, my unconscious mind remembering the very dinner party the team organized months ago to celebrate the new addition to the BAU: me.

My range of emotions had thrown me into a downward spiral, feeling everything then feeling nothing simultaneously. It was as if I was drowning then pulled up to be given air, only to repeat the process continuously. I knew to blame myself, but I couldn’t help but bear to place the accountability to the members of my team because the weight was too heavy for me to hoist.

I am selfish, I am weak, and I hate every part of that.

My anger became the device to alienate myself from others. My loss of control lead my impulsivity to fester and lash out on the ones who only wanted to help. Finally, my ignorance costed me my impartial and sensible mind. It allowed me to turn a blind eye to any impurities that didn’t corroborate with my narrative.

I twisted the facts to match the theories, rather than twist the theories to the facts.

At the foundation of it all, the matter derived from my inability to conquer my grief in a sufficient approach. Although at that affair, I remained alone...almost. The only other creature who had endured more than they can handle was Spencer.

Despite out disagreements, we held one thing in common: the event that defined our declarations of hate towards one another.

So here I have my feet planted complementary to his front door, my arms glued to my side, and my head hanging low as I raised a skeptical fist to knock.

With the first attempt to gather his attention, the was no response except the buzzing of the radiators that hummed throughout the building’s halls. With another set of knocks, scuffling feet could be heard coming closer to the entrance and every thud against the floor, elevated my heart rate. When the door had flung open, it wasn’t Spencer that I had witnessed.

It was a ghost of him.

At least that’s what it had looked like to me. Spencer sported his head of hair like a bird’s nest, his clothes looked besmirched, his silhouette appeared scraggy, but most of all his face looked inert and lacked pigment.

In spite of my initial impression, his emotion ridden expression gained it’s flare back at the acknowledgment of my appearance. He was about to turn away, pushing the door closed when I stuck a foot in the crevice of the door frame, causing me to wince in agony.

This caused Spencer to return his focus onto me, fixating at my foot that obstructed the door. “If you think that hurts, try getting stabbed” He mentioned maliciously, referring to the death of his comrade. I ignored his snarky comment, pushing the door ajar to face him. “What do you want Y/L/N?” He deadpanned, holding an emphatic countenance.

I composed myself, sighing as I explained that I wanted the opportunity to discuss the latter with him, and to my surprise he obliged, diffident to let me enter.

I took in the unveiling of his home. The walls were lined with bookshelves that contained a copious assortment of books that ranged from education to recreational. Renaissance art was found in between some of the shelving units, but the one thing that caught my attention were the various frames that surrounded Spencer’s childhood pictures. Although, the majority of the portraits were only of him and his mother; his father only making a debut in earlier pictures.

“I thought you were here to talk, not profile where I live” Spencer commented, interrupting the inquisitive observations I’ve made of his place. I mumbled a quaint apology, finding myself a chair to sit on as Spencer did the same.

Apprehension preoccupied the silence that followed after we took our seats. I fiddled with my hands, running over my lines and organizing my thoughts as I thought twice about my presentation.

“It wasn’t my fault”

“What?” Spencer spoke, tilting his head at me in bewilderment.

“It wasn’t my fault that Ryler died...It was my choice” I began, pushing the loose hairs behind my ears as I sat up straight. “I made that choice to follow through and go in, knowing I was going against Hotch’s warnings and that-” I paused, gazing into his emotionless stare.

“Killed Ryler” Spencer deadpanned, continuing off where I couldn’t finish. I nodded in compliance, the same feeling of dread creeping up my stomach, similar to how I felt on the crime scene.

“There’s no amount of ‘sorrys’ I can say that will ever fill that void that’s in-bedded in the team...but at the same time, th-there’s nothing I can do to bring him back, Reid” I declared.

He wore a tight-lipped grimace, staring at the wall behind me coldly. “Yeah, there’s nothing you can do to bring him back” He scoffed. “You’re wasting your time being here” He professed, shaking his head with hostility.

I pinched the bridge of my nose as I bent over to place my head on my hands, feeling the overbearing sensation of frustration bubble over the sentiment. “Yes I know Reid” I disclosed, animosity slowing slipping into the enunciation of my words. “I just- I don’t always want to be in quarrel with you whenever we’re at work” I confessed. “I just need you to-”

“To what?” Spencer cut me off mid sentence. “To forgive you?” He jeered, narrowing his eyes at me in vengeful amazement.

“Spencer-”

“You want me to FORGIVE you?” He stood up from his seat, walking over one of the bookshelves adjacent to the window. The faint sunset beamed an orange tinted glare through the drizzle and into the living room, giving pigment to Spencer’s skin as his back faced me. “Am I just supposed to forget about him like everyone has already, am I supposed to pretend that everything’s back to normal without him?” He questioned, running his finger along the spines of a select novels.

“I’m not telling you to forget Ryler, and it’s not like the team doesn’t honor-” I began, but was cut off abruptly by Spencer’s spiteful words.

“Are you fucking kidding me Y/N?!” He exclaimed, turning around to glare at me. “For the past couple of months, no one- and I mean NO ONE has mentioned Ryler. I-it’s as if NOBODY CARES” He shook his head in frustration, running his hand through his curls.

“That-s not tru-”

“THAT’S NOT TRUE!” He blurted out, an incredulous expression planted on his face. “Name one person, aside from me that had thought about Ryler in the past month” He challenged, making determined strides towards where I sat.

Veins began protruding on his forehead as he came closer, the wrinkles on his forehead became indistinguishable, despite the sun masking his face in an angelic light. “I- um” I gulped, unable to recall any mentions of the agent.

“Exactly” Spencer deadpanned, walking back over to the shelves.

“But that doesn’t give you an excuse to berate me” I uttered quietly, feigning a collected composure where the confidence lacked. I pushed myself up from my seat, promenading up to where he stood. “You can’t assume the future of my career based on a mistake I made” I stood parallel to his back, reaching a hand up to place on his shoulder, but proceeded to hesitate, leaving them at my sides. “You don’t have to forgive me Reid, but at least forgive yourself” I spoke, reiterating the same words Hotch passed onto me before leaving the office.

I saw his shoulders lose tension as he sucked in a breath, his fingers unraveled from his balled fists while he hung his head low. On the cue of his sedated composure, I placed a decided grasp on his shoulder in attempt to soothe the rigid atmosphere.

Unbeknownst to my perception of the situation, Spencer suddenly grabbed a hold of my wrist, flipping me over to where my back hit the bookshelves with immense force, sending a painful chill down my spine. I winced as the rivets of the metal screws scratched the soft skin of my lower back. Although this didn’t prevent Spencer from further pinning my body into the shelves while his firm fingers dug into my wrists. “What makes you think you can tell me what to do or what to feel” He whispered darkly, a menacing grimace taking it’s form on his mouth.

I resisted against his grip, but his strength proceeded to show itself through my inability to overpower him. Fueled with frustration, I bore at him with a vindictive sneer. “Reid, fucking let me go” I muttered through gritted teeth. “I swear to fucking god Reid, let me the FUCK GO!” I challenged, pushing harder against his tall frame.

He responded to my catty reactions with an arrogant smirk. “Look at you writhing under me” He patronized, his face shadowing over mine as his breath fanned over my own. “You’re a weak bitch Y/N” He continued, his eyes lingering on my bottom lip. “You’re an even worse agent” He inched closer at an achingly sluggish pace. I felt my lips twitch in anticipation as his mouth hovered over my own.

So, I took the opportunity to spit at him.

He stumbled back in surprise, wiping my saliva that landed inches away from the bridge of his nose. “What the fu-” He spewed, looking at me incredulously. But I took no hesitation to make determined strides at him.

“You have no right to call me a bad agent. You have no right to call me weak” I heaved, shoving him at his shoulders. “Especially when you can’t even face your own feelings” I verbalized, glaring at him. “You’re a coward” I muttered, glaring up at him as we were chest to chest.

Both of us stood in our own heated ambiance, the silence amplifying the intensity of the circumstances. I could feel the sweat dripping off of my forehead as I witnessed a crack in his arrogant countenance. His hard features relaxed into a woeful expression as the fight of reason in his mind intensified. But I didn’t have the time to wait on his judgement. So with a novel sanguine air, I began marching right up to his front door with the persistence to leave all the negative energy behind me.

That was until he spoke up

“Y/N I-”

I shook my head, resting my hand on his doorknob. “No Spencer, you listen” I turned around to face him, leaning my back on the oak surface of the door. “You don’t get to defame my career, I’ve worked too hard for this and out of all the people in the world, I thought you’d understand” I stated, pushing myself up the door so I was no longer leaning on it.

“Y/N-”

“I made a mistake, but that mistake’s going to make me a better agent. I can’t take back his death and I can’t make it up to you, but all I can do is make his death count” I persisted, my legs venturing back to where we stood prior to my attempted exit. He stared back at me with an afflicted gaze that hid behind a feigned emotionless expression. “I’ve spent months blaming myself for his death...” I positioned myself across from him, reciprocating a compassionate expression that contrasted from his own visage. “And I think you do the same too” I remarked, taking my bottom lip between my teeth as I expressed my concerns.

For the first time, Spencer didn’t know what to say. Not statistical fact or analytical approach would resolve the woman that stood confidently before him.

“You’re right” He admitted, sighing as he combed the back of his head. His eyes flickered to the prominent features of my face, then back to the apparently interesting view of the floor. He shut his eyes in defeat, dragging both of his hands over his face as if it was to bring clarity and closure swiftly to him. “I-i didn’t how to...th-then everyone started forgetting- and I couldn’t” He desperately was at a loss of words. “I’m sorry Y/N” He repented, laying a hesitant yet tender hand on the side of my arm.

“As much as I appreciate you apologizing to me Spencer-” I laid my hand over his own, clutching onto it in a solacing grasp. “You seriously need to figure yourself out first” I sighed, using my fingers to tilt his chin up to disrupt his forlorn expression. “You need to learn how to forgive yourself Spencer, and I’m not the one to say because I’m still figuring that out myself, but that’s the only way you’re ever going truly move forward”

He cringed at my mention of the future. I noticed the cogs running in that brain of his, unable to process his grief. I could tell he was still holding onto a lot of baggage, the pained look he wore revealing it all. “I shouldn’t have told you that it should’ve been you back there” He apologized, referring to the whole conflict that unfolded on the jet. “I don’t know how to do it Y/N” He confessed. “I c-can’t just move on like that”

“Nobody’s asking you to Spencer” I consoled. “We can never really be able to move on completely. But that’s a part of living, it’s remembering that gives our life meaning”

“Well actually, traumatic occurrences can actually be repressed by the unconscious mind in order to dissociate th-” He rambled, a faint smile tugging on the corners of his lips.

“Don’t ruin the sentiment Reid” I laughed, nudging him playfully. He reciprocated the same gesture, reverting back to a more relaxed visage.

“Thank you...Y/N” He spoke passionately, pulling me into an amicable embrace. I breathed into his shoulder, taking in the seldom occasion as all the hatred that existed in the room previously, dissipated.

“You’re always welcome...Spence”

A/N:

that’s a wrap, im actually really proud of this so i hope you all enjoy it. tell me whatcha think about it after :)

i honestly was struggling with how to end the whole thing, so i compromised on an angsty-fluff/platonic but not really ending, if that at all makes sense lmao, anyways have an amazing day

taglist: @a-dorky-book-keeper @ilovespencereid @fancystarlightpirate @aperrywilliams @liaabsurd @thatsonezesty13 @ashwarren32 @ithinkilovetruecrimetoomuch @yoongi-holland @guessthatswhyiliveinhell @peterspickledpepper @tiktokslut @britishspidey @marciscaspar @ tteessaa13 @marylanddgirly @todaynotseen

552 notes · View notes

liria10 · 3 years ago

Note

Favorite Benny books?

Ok so. Tumblr crashed as I was typing this on mobile. I am retyping it on desktop cause fuck this site, and I Have Opinions, and my friend I will let you hear them or so help me!

.... This got. Really. Really long. I am adding a read more to spare you guys from that.

Ok so! As a preface, I haven't read many VNAs with Benny in it, and of her solo books, I still have 2 of her Legion books to read.

I'm going to (re)start this with the VNAs!

Love and War: a very classic answer perhaps, but it is a really good introduction for Benny, even if the book has its flaws and can certainly show its age nowadays. Cornell absolutely nails her right off the bat, and from her very first page, Benny is just a character that keeps you interested. Not only does she work great as a counter to both Seven and Ace, but she also brings a breath of life to the whole range the way only a prose character can.

Plus, I think one of the greatest successes of that book lies in how Benny appears as a rounded and flawed person from the beginning. She’s not your ordinary girl dragged to a whirlwind of adventure and an universe of wonders, but an older, adult woman, with a good chunk of life experience and adventures already behind her, and while setting foot inside the TARDIS opens up a new and unexpected chapter in her life, it does also remain just that. A chapter. Benny had a life before the Doctor, and from that moment, while noone could have predicted it then, she would have one after him as well.

The Left-Handed Hummingbird: I just finished that one last week, so it’s obviously both fresh in my mind, and one I'm thinking highly of at the moment. Well I mean, it’s Orman! Or course I love it. She really is great at writing both intricate, large stories, and yet focusing on the personal, on the human side of things. And I find that this book does a great job at putting benny in the role of the grounding presence both for ace and the doctor, as well as exploring how time traveling as they do, and dealing with seven’s schemes can be frustrating for benny. That whole tardis team is a mess, and none of these people really… work well together, but it’s because they’re so dysfunctioning that they’re fascinating, and orman absolutely nails that.

Theater of War: A very different type of book, it is honestly a fun romp, and it has Benny being an actual archeologist, down to dealing with the academia side of things. And it’s the little things, but I love it when Benny books remember that about her tbh? Also, it has some nice theater theming, and well, as an introduction for brax, it certainly works well! It’s one of those VNAs that I think is just fun. A well crafted story with good takes on the characters, that’s always enjoyable to me!

Return of the Living Dad: Orman again?? What a surprise! But frankly, I love how this book is all about Benny and her daddy issues, be it with the Doctor or well, her actual dad. Between that, her budding marriage with Jason, and finding out so many old wounds reopened, I just. Really love how raw Benny can be under Orman’s pen? How underneath it all, she still has that side of the scared orphan that lost both parents to a war she was far, far too young to ever comprehend, and how that just left her rebelling against the world in general, and resenting deep down her parents for that abandon. I mean, it’s neat character stuff, but it can very easily be written as dull & cliche shitte you know? And Orman really… always get down to the heart of it all, and boi does it make for some great reading.

The Dying Days: It’s a very fun book, and well, technically works as the first round for Benny as the lead woman after all! It’s a joy all throughout, triumphant where it needs to be, and managing to both celebrate the Doctor and what he brought to the VNAs, as well as setting up the stage for Benny to go on to her own range. It’s basically one last run of the old team, and well. I do love Benny & Eight, and yes I am blaming Parkin for it. Also, big brained take to have Eight give her Wolsey because I love that cat and Benny deserves a cute kitty in her life. We all do.

Ok!! Now on to the NA, and my personal favorite era!

Dragon’s Wrath: It’s a fun one!! I do really like the story being centered again on archeology first and foremost, and it’s a good romp that has some really good take on Benny. Especially the trial scenes, I love how those one get down to Benny as someone who despite everything, loves history, and cares very very deeply about the artifacts she uncovers. Also, it introduces brax as a mainstay of the dellah era, and does so in a rather nice way. Overall, a very enjoyable book!

Beyond the Sun: Benny & students stranded on a planet with mystery to uncover, that’s already a fun premise, and then throw in all the various queer themes present, especially with Emile, and the whole scene of them all in drag performing on top of a bus, and it’s just a rather good book. Plus, I love how it mirrors the whole VNA Doctor mantra, except with a very Benny twist. Sometimes cruel, sometimes cowardly, but trying her damndest to do good. And well, that’s just Benny isn’t it? I always harp on about the very heart of Benny being her humanity, and if there’s something that book highlights, it’s that.

Deadfall: Jason takes center stage in this one, and well, I do really love Jason. It’s overall a fun book with some nice lore ideas, and I love how it works Cwej in the whole Dellah setting. Also, at least it’s a story with Jason in the lead that doesn’t end in utter tragedy, and that’s always nice!

Tempest: Ok so. That book isn’t great. The story’s cliche, the characters aren’t the best, and the plot itself? Forgettable, it’s another in the list of “sort of base under siege story in the dellah era” which you’d think wouldn’t be super common and yet! So… why am I listing it here? Cause the concept of the planet!! The idea of a world of storms and disaster, run through via a blind train as the only means of transport? The fantastic animal life described in it??? That book left an impression of me, and that’s not something I can say of all of the others.

The Medusa Effect: … Justin Richard writes a good Benny. Like, legit. I love how that one really works with the setting & history of Dellah, and gives further information on the planet’s involvement with the Dalek war. Plus, it also got some really, really nice aesthetics. I am soft for good aesthetics ok? Benny, dancing with a skeleton on the deck of an old spaceship made to look like a cruise liner in an hallucination/dream sequence type of thing? Sign me right up!

Beige Planet Mars: That one is a blast. I remember just, absolutely loving it when I read it tbh. Between the overall description of Mars, the further Lore Implication of the Mars invasion & all that, as well as it basically being one last round of more… Normal dellah books before everything goes to hell? It’s one i’d highly recommend if you want to have a good time.

Tears of the Oracle: Probably my favorite of that whole range? (apart from dead romance, which I am not counting as a benny book) I love just, how much overall… feelings isn’t quite the words i’m looking for, but i can’t think of a better way to put it… there is throughout the book? It was thought to be the end of the NA as it was written and well, that shows. I love how it weaves the whole mystery of “what happened to that legendary archaeologists?” with the whole side of what’s basically some of the only survivors from dellah going on one last round of discovery. The status quo of the range was destroyed quite a few books before that one, but imo, it’s there that they take the time to stop for a bit, and just. Deals with what that means in actuality. And ngl, I love the entire sequence of Benny & Brax walking through the wreckage of what used to be their home, it’s a scene that works really, really well.

And well, it does a great job at setting up the future as well after all! Yes, there’s still 3 books after it, but when you look at where Big Finish picked up… they went for what Tears of the Oracle was setting up. It really makes the transition flows well between those two, unlike my rambling for a full paragraph before going to “here’s the BF books I like”

The Doomsday Manuscript: A very good start for the range! Not only does it set up the whole collection, but it also introduces the Fifth Axis as a major threat, and does so in a wonderfully well paced book that keeps you hooked throughout. I like how it also sets up Jason’s loss as something Benny is still suffering over, as well as how she hasn’t lost hope in finding him again. Plus frankly, it’s also a really good story.

The Glass Prison: You’d think that for a book where Benny spends the majority of it in prison and not very active due to being near the end of her pregnancy, not much would happen, but the way Jacqueline Rayner builds up an atmosphere of unease, mistrust and a genuine disturbing ambiance throughout the book is just, fantastic.

Genius Loci: This book. This book!!! Ben Aaronovitch writes an absolutely powerful story of Benny as a young woman, lost and finding herself faced with far more responsibility than she ever thought possible. The way he writes the whole mystery, while also making Benny as a 20yo not only believable, but quite distinct from Benny as the adult we’ve all come to know and love is just. So good. My main grip with this book is how abruptly it ends, and how we’ll never get the sequel. I want to read Terra Incognita and more of Benny slowly finding herself damn it!

Dead Men Diaries: Just like Doomsday Manuscript, does a great job at establishing the collection as well as the recurring cast. I really enjoy most of the stories in it, and I think BF started out so strong on those books srsly!

A Life in Pieces: I love it so much. It’s pure brax at his most manipulative, and for such petty reasons. I really like how it both deals with the aftermath of the Fifth Axis occupation, as well as the repercussions Brax’s schemes have for the people living on the collection. Also, it’s just 3 very good novellas in a row that build up to something more, and I always like seeing that.

Nobody’s Children: That book has the best Draconian story in the entirety of doctor who and related. Like, yeah just that. It’s also nice to see the fallout of the Mim/Draconian war. It’s one I didn’t expect a lot out of, and frankly, I ended up really loving it.

The Vampire Curse: The middle novella is one I absolutely hated, but the other two are really good, and mixing benny and vampires is just, very fun. Also!! Predating the Predator is in it, and it is a really good take on vampires in a science fiction setting that also has some nice creep factor as well, and manages to be both a good vampire story, and a good sci fi story, which isn’t always an easy balance to find.

Life During Wartime: It’s a surprisingly hard hitting anthology about living under a fascist regime, and the compromises you have to make, the personal sacrifices and small rebellions. Honestly, there’s a lot I love about it, but certainly one of my favorite moment, is when Benny, having to dine with one of the officers, miss jones & jason, sees that the officer is nearly on to her hiding peter away, and that split second moment of “if I have to, I am willing to kill everyone in this room to protect my son” before he just laughs it off, it’s a lot of tiny moments that build up to a really well done ambiance tbh.

Something Changed: While it did the terrible, terrible sin of introducing Doggles to the world, I really love the concept of every chapter after the first being a different split universe, and how they’re all spiraling more & more out of control. It’s got some really good stories in between too, though they can also be rather hit & miss. An aspect I love about it too is how impactful Wolsey’s death ends up being.

Present Danger: That one is fun, I love how it’s basically everyone vs the deindum, a situation slipping more and more out of control, mixed with some neat stuff one the deindum’s whole temporal deal. It’s again a bit hit & miss, but it’s still a blast, and as the last anthology of the collection era, it does send it all off with a bang.

Welp. Far, far too many words later, and here we are!!! I love Benny a lot ngl, and I genuinely think that prose is the medium best suited for her. I have been rather disappointed with the more modern books, I find them far more bland than what I personally expect from Benny but ah well. Can’t always get everything.

And while it’s neither a book, nor even an official story in any mean, the fanfic “Sepelio” that’s an Hannibal au set in the Dellah era is great, and the benny story I have been enjoying the most lately. I would be remiss not to at least mention it!

#ask #ask tag #bernice summerfield #.... Look I love benny probably a bit too much for my own good

20 notes · View notes

aros001 · 3 years ago

Text

Going in blind: Watching season 2 for the first time. Random thoughts.

Huh. Only 7 episodes. Not complaining necessarily. For series with an ongoing plot I've definitely become more in favor with their seasons only having as many episodes as they need rather than them having to stretch themselves out to full up a certain number of episodes, which can lead to padding and just bad character moments.

Episode 1: Jeez. Catra visiting Shadow Weaver's cell just to rub her success in her face and verbally abuse her back for once. It's like a twisted version of Zuko and Ozai from ATLA. Catra's upbringing under her was abusive but this is far from a healthy way for her to deal with it. She's basically deliberately swimming in her resentment.

Episode 2: It's not that I'm rooting for her but by-golly was it fun to watch Catra act like just the absolute worst she could while she was Glimmer and Bow's captive.

I touched on this in season 1 but part of the drama of the heroes feeling guilt over leaving Entrapta behind is kind of lost on me a bit simply because it was her own fault it happened. She deliberately went back into the purge room because of her machine obsession, which then closed on her and erupted in flames. It was more than reasonable to assume she was dead and no one but her was to blame, so I'm not really able to be invested in their guilt over it.

That said, weirdly enough I do like that her "abandonment" doesn't seem to be even a blip on the radar for Entrapta herself. She hasn't joined the horde because she resents the heroes or felt left behind, she simply is so obsessed with machines and experimentation that she'll be on the side of whoever lets her do the most of that. Like, it's selfish and irresponsible but it's very in-character and I'd far rather have a traitor motivation be based in that over something stupid like a misunderstanding.

Episode 3: I love the mental image of Shadow Weaver thinking up princess-themed ghost stories to tell Adora as a child.

So, if the previous She-Ra Mara separated Eternia from the other realms/planets/whatever she did and that's what cut off the She-Ra line for 1000 years, I'm guessing Hordak may be from the time before that happened, thus his drive to create portals and calling Eternia a backwards world. Either he's naturally long-lived or his technology is extending his life.

Episode 4: You know, you could maybe argue it was vague enough that it could be taken other ways but I'm definitely getting some vibes here that Scorpia is crushing on Catra. She literally refers to the two of them as soulmates at one point. I know she says she's trying to be friends but this feels a level beyond that.

Fun little reference to the original She-Ra cartoon thrown in there (and maybe Cowboy Bebop...? James Bond...? What was Glimmer's art style supposed to be?). I like how it is more like just playful ribbing than anything outright dumping on the original. Again, I've never seen original She-Ra but whenever remakes/adaptations go out of their way to trash to the original I always kind of wonder why they bothered doing an adaptation if the original is just that bad? Also, I was having trouble sleeping so it was about 2am when I watched this episode and the very Eartha Kitt Catwoman Catra made it very difficult for me not to lose my **** and stay quiet. With how much of a contrast that version is from the one in this series, that was hilarious. Bonus note, it's a nice touch that Frosta's version of Catra is a pretty crasher in that sweet suit, since that's the only impression of Catra she's ever had.

Adora being a chosen one is definitely elevated up simply by how much the pressure of what she's supposed to be is getting to her. I'm likely going to keep making Avatar The Last Airbender comparisons throughout the series but that's partly because I went into this series figuring it'd be at least structured similar to ATLA (season 1 being more episodic and a little more kid-friendly as it builds up the world before getting more serious later). Adora and Aang are interesting to compare here. Aang's worries early on were less apparent because he was more in-denial/choosing not to think about his problems that much, which fit with his character as a free-spirited Air Nomad. While Adora is much more military-minded. She can't keep herself from thinking about her problems and trying to prepare for the worst-case scenario. And jeez, that idea of who/how Catra is in her mind. Not only beating her but making her watch as she takes everything she cares about away. Not Shadow Weaver, not Lord Hordak, but Catra. That whole Lion King Mufasa/Scar moment between them in episode 11 and their fight in the S1 finale really did a number on her mental image of her old friend. Not reasonably so.

Minor note: I'm sure I'm the only one who got this impression but by the look of it, the way the robot's eye moved, and the music, after getting the soda spilled on it that little spybot gained sentience for half a second and then immediately died. It was so darkly comedic I had to laugh.

Episode 5: So that red disc is basically She-Ra's Red Kryptonite, having an effect on the mind rather than the body. The drunk Adora joke doesn't really do it for me but it did get some nice interactions going between Scorpia and Sea Hawk, two characters I certainly wasn't expecting to bond. I did really like Catra's panic when berserker She-Ra nearly beheads her. The implication is that is Adora really wanted to kill her Catra would already probably be dead. It's a thing I like about powerhouse characters like Superman or Aang, who could just demolish everything around them and don't simply because they're a good person...which in turn makes them the scariest person on the planet when they're well and truly ticked off. I'm not going to lie, I do kind of want to see a She-Ra version of Aang when Appa was stolen or when Superman fought The Elite.

Also, Catra's line of "I have control over Adora. I'm not giving that up for anything.". There's a lot to read into there.

Episode 6: I guess my prediction was sort of right. Shadow Weaver became basically a magic parasite and while it did increase the power she's capable of the implication seems to be that she needs a constant fix of magic to keep herself going, thus her attachment to the Black Garnet.

Have we seen Micah before? Given how long ago the flashback seems set, the fact that Shadow Weaver didn't kill him and thus he probably becomes someone important later in life, I'm guessing he's Glimmer's dad and the queen's late husband, since I think he's the only important male character whose face we haven't seen yet. Also, he's voice by Ezra from Star Wars Rebels and that cracks me up for some reason. It's the exact same voice and a relatively similar character.

I compared Catra and Shadow Weaver with a kind of twisted version of Zuko and Ozai and that definitely still fits here. Both Catra and Zuko confront their parent and call them out for the inexcusable abuse they put them through but while that moment was the start of Zuko's upwards journey this and SW's betrayal seems like it's going to cause Catra to spiral even further. Makes sense why Adora leaving affected her so much. She's probably the only one Catra's ever had that she could consistently trust and rely on, even if she did somewhat resent her.

Not surprised Hordak is getting along with Entrapta. She's not socially aware enough to be scared or intimidated by him, so she'll speak frankly, and since all she wants to talk about is the machines, experiments, and how they could get them to work Hordak probably doesn't take much issue with that. She's producing results, which is what he cares about, thus also why Shadow Weaver and Catra started losing favor with him. I wonder if Catra is going through imposter syndrome? Shadow Weaver had that line that Entrapta earned her place next to Hordak and, if you think about it, Catra hasn't really "earned" anything. We saw that she didn't really take her training or studies that seriously, showing up late to combat practice and even getting partial credit for what Adora beat. She wasn't promoted to Force Captain because of her own abilities but because Adora had defected when she was supposed to get that title. She's come close to a few victories but never really had any except for Glimmer and Bow's kidnapping...whom she then basically let escape when she returned Adora's sword to her. She doesn't have the slightest clue how the horde's bureaucracy works when trying to get things done, like simply getting troops armor. Given how much better than her Adora always was and how little she herself has to her name, I wonder is subconsciously Catra believes she doesn't deserve her current position and thus why she's fretting so much over trying to prove herself.

Episode 7: Am I mistaken or did Bow's parents say that he's the youngest of TWELVE siblings? I was going to ask whether Bow was adopted or if his dad's used a surrogate or if maybe there's even just simply magic in She-Ra's world that allows two people of the same sex to have a child together but now I'm just focused on the 12 kids thing. I get nervous just imagining myself having more than one. You should see me when I'm with two cats. I have to pet both of them because I'd feel like I'd be making one feel left out and like the other is the favorite. I'm a mess with kids.

The dad with dreadlocks (Lance?), his design looked familiar to me and I finally realized it reminded me a of a fanart design for a human Grim from The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy. Very different voices between those two characters though.

I wonder if there's any significance to the robot protecting the crystal having the same design as those in the artic in episode 5? Obviously both have the connection to the First Ones but the robot in the forest who was also protecting First Ones' tech had a more insect-like design over these more worm/Graboid ones.

I'm kind of curious what Hordak would have done if Catra had told the truth. Given his interactions with her and Shadow Weaver he doesn't seem like the time to tolerate failure but I suppose the implication here is that he at least would respect those who own up to their failures. Or I suppose more simply he was just testing to see if she would lie to him and since she did there's little merit in keeping her in a position of authority anymore where she could lie about important things again.

Season 2 verdict: Still enjoying it. Another person on this reddit recommended I view seasons 2 and 3 as one since they are basically just one season split in two. I was going to do that but this ended up longer than I thought I would, so I'll just do 2 and 3 separate to keep them semi-organized and easier to read.

I think overall Catra is my favorite character since she has the most interesting backstory, interactions, and just general path through the story out of everyone. She's like Pearl from Steven Universe or, well, Zuko. There's just so much baggage there that she's trying and kind of failing to deal with. I'm always invested in whatever's happening when she's onscreen. Hordak so far is a good big boss villain for Adora to face but Catra is a good archenemy for her.

Original Reddit post: https://www.reddit.com/r/PrincessesOfPower/comments/o027y3/going_in_blind_watching_season_2_for_the_first/

#she ra #she ra spop #random thoughts #reddit repost

6 notes · View notes

infinite-xerath · 3 years ago

Text

Thoughts on Sentinel and Ruined Skins

Alright, I plan to give my full thoughts on the entire event once it’s over, but for the time-being, I wanted to give my general thoughts on each skin so far. I’ll be putting this under a read-more for convenience.))

So I guess I’ll start by saying that I like the concept of the event as a whole, though I’ve got some gripes (as do many) with who was chosen to partake. I think, having played through the VN up to its current point, that they do a decent job justifying most of the characters who get Ruined/recruited. That said, it does annoy me that they didn’t even go all-in on the concept; one Sentinel and one Ruined champ per region could have been great, but then there are some regions that don’t even have one of each.

So yeah, in addition to giving my overall thoughts on each existing skin, I also wanna touch on who else I think could have been included.

Sentinel Vayne: In my opinion, the best Sentinel skin of the lot. Not only does it look good (arguably better than her original design) but Vayne is a natural fit for the Sentinels. She already devotes her life to hunting monsters and dark magic, so it absolutely makes sense that she would join up at least until the Ruination is dealt with.

Ruined Shyvana: I wasn’t so sure about this one at first, but I’ve warmed up to it now that we know how Viego’s possession works. Taking the worst aspects of someone’s personality and bringing them to the forefront? Yeah, go figure that Shyvana would give into her monstrous side and resentment for being persecuted almost every day of her life. You could argue that there were better picks, but hey, better Ruined Shyvana than yet another Lux skin, right?

Sentinel Olaf: While not my first choice, I can’t deny that it works in the long-run. The dude already has a history of fighting the undead in his endless quest to find a worthy foe capable of slaying him, and of course the Ruined King seems like a suitably worthy opponent for Olaf to go up against. That being said, I feel like we should have gotten a Ruined Champ from the Freljord as Olaf’s rival, rather than it just being Vex. I don’t mind Vex appearing when she did to have us encounter her for the first time, but she should have had a Ruined champ to help her, which leads me to...

Ruined Tryndamere: Come on, this one’s obvious. There are a few characters in the Freljord that might have fit the Ruined theme, but none more-so than Tryndamere, I think. The guy’s already got a whole thing about controlling his rage and trying to use it as a force for good in the Avarosa tribe. Imagine Viego corrupting Tryndamere and causing all of that primal fury to just explode forth. Plus, come ON Riot, Olaf vs Tryndamere. Battle of the Berserkers. Frankly, it’s absurd to me that Olaf hasn’t tried fighting Tryndamere already, given that they’re both too angry to die. He HAS to have at least heard about the Barbarian King, right?

Sentinel Riven: Honestly, this one is interesting to me. With the other Sentinels, we all kind of know/expect that they’ll return to normal once the event is over and go back to their status quo. Riven feels like an exception. As she stated herself in the event: she’s a wanted criminal in Noxus and it’s not exactly like she’d be super welcomed back in Ionia. She joins the Sentinels because she has nowhere else to go and no other cause to fight for once freed from Draven’s arena. Aside from Vayne, Riven feels like the one who’d most likely stay with the Sentinels once the event is over, even though I know that probably won’t happen. Still, I like her inclusion, all-in-all.

Ruined Draven: Honestly, not the one I would have picked. I mean, it’s just Draven. Absolutely nothing has changed from him being Ruined. Granted, I do think it’s absolutely hilarious that Draven’s worst version of himself is already just himself, an egotistical prick who craves attention, but there are way better picks in Noxus to see getting Ruined. I mean, the event teaser showed Darius getting possessed, and I think there’s a lot more to work with there. Also, am I the only one that thinks that Ruined Draven feels redundant when Soul Reaver Draven is already a thing?

Sentinel Diana: So this one I have some complicated feelings about. On one hand, it makes sense that Diana would join the fight against the undead for the sake of the Lunari. On the other, it feels like MOST of the Aspects should be getting involved with this. I mean, the VN has her say that the other Aspects ARE fighting the Undead all over Targon, but then you’d think we would wanna go and recruit them as well. Seriously, Taric? WTF are you, Protector? Also, Diana needing a Sentinel weapon is weird since we already confirmed that the Mist doesn’t like Celestial magic, but... Eh, the blade she gets is cool, I guess.

Ruined Pantheon: And here comes the controversial one... Right, so like many, I did not care for this skin. In fact, I still have reservations about it. I DO like that it is actually Ruined PANTHEON, because yeah, the Black Mist turns dead things undead. Go figure it could bring back the remnants of the war god lingering in Atreus. That’s a really cool idea, but there’s absolutely an argument to be made that it fucks with Atreus’s whole character arc and makes his seemingly indomitable will look like a joke... But hey, Viego himself said that he’d never be able to take a proper Aspect, which absolutely tracks, which kinda makes Atreus the only Targonian champion he COULD defeat and corrupt.

Sentinel Irelia: To be frank, not too much to say about this one. Irelia’s entire character motivation is defending her homeland against invaders, and... Yeah the undead definitely count as invaders. While someone like Shen probably would have been a better recruit for the Sentinels, Irelia works just fine.

Ruined Karma: And heeere’s another controversial one. Yeah, Karma is not the one I would have chosen. Honestly, just about anyone else from Ionia would have been a better fit for Ruination. Ruined Pantheon can be justified by the dead war god coming back and taking over Atreus’s body again, but Karma and her vessel Darha should have absolutely been able to resist it... And they kind of do. In the event, we actually do see Karma switching back and forth. She’s the only one we’ve seen fight back against Viego long enough to revert to her normal self, at least for a time. In fact, the implication that Darha is being corrupted while the entity of Karma itself fights back is neat. Still, I would have preferred Ruined Zed or something along those lines.

Sentinel Graves: OK, I love this skin. I don’t love the context around it. First of all, the fact that he’s the Sentinel for Piltover is dumb. Graves is from Bilgewater, and should have been the Sentinel we recruited there. I also don’t care for how Twisted Fate is completely missing and never even referenced from his story. Like, OK, Graves fled Bilgewater because it was already overcome with Harrowing. Fine. But... Did he just leave TF behind? If so, why does he have Fate’s blue card? There’s so much we’re missing here. I love that he’s joining just because he’s got a bone to pick with Viego, but Graves should have been the choice for Bilgewater. As for who should be the Piltover Sentinel? Well...

Sentinel Jayce: Think about it. Jayce is a character who’s had nothing to do in the Piltover/Zaun lore for ages. He already considers himself a hero and a defender of Piltover. Plus, imagine what a Sentinel version of his hammer would be like! Hell, Jayce’s whole conflict with Viktor revolves around their opposing beliefs around free will. Of course he’d have a word or two to say about the Ruined King, who’s running around and stripping people of their free will! On that note..

Ruined Viktor: Absolutely a perfect fit for Ruination. Under Viego’s influence, he could deem undeath as the next logical step of evolution, casting aside the limits of flesh and emotion for a spectral form where one’s thoughts were dictated by a single, “superior” consciousness. It would be a perfect contrast for Sentinel Jayce, and besides: we’ve already seen a ghostly version of this concept with Death Sworn Viktor. If Draven gets two undead skins, why not? Plus, we know that the Harrowing can effect machines thanks to Legends of Runeterra, so... Yeah. Ruined Viktor. Let’s go.

Sentinel Pyke: Another controversial one. While I like the general idea behind it, frankly, I would have just left Pyke as he is. We already have him fighting the undead in the Ruined King game, and we know Nagakabouros power can hurt the undead; there was no real need for him to pick up Sentinel gear. Much as I love the line “Wraiths, wraiths are on the list,” I would have just made Graves the Sentinel rep for Bilgewater and called it there.

Ruined Miss Fortune: This one just sucks. It absolutely sucks. The Sarah Fortune I know would have never gone to such lengths merely for power, especially when she already rules most of Bilgewater at this point. Her various short stories show her doing a pretty damn good job stamping out the warring factions challenging her rule, and even if she decided that she needed some kind of supernatural leg up on the competition, it’s not like Bilgewater is lacking in magic. Also, the design sucks, turning her back into the sex icon that they’ve spent the last 7 years moving her away from. Ruined Fortune sucks. As for who SHOULD have gotten the skin instead...

Ruined Gangplank: Now HERE’S a pirate lord desperate for power. He lost his ship, he lost his fleet, he lost his throne, he even lost an arm. Gangplank has been struggling to regain control of Bilgewater ever since Burning Tides, and while we haven’t heard much of him recently, it can be safely assumed that he’s not making much progress with how much control Sarah currently has. Gangplank is absolutely ruthless enough and immoral enough to bargain with the Ruined King for power. Plus, think about it: he’s already been “reborn” once, so to him, Ruination probably wouldn’t even be that big of a deal.

Sentinel Rengar: All things considered, I like this one. Rengar, I think, has one of the best justifications for joining the Sentinels. When Rengar’s jungle is invaded by wraiths, Rengar finds himself faced with monsters that even his skills cannot take down. Yeah, these undead are worthy prey challenging his reign as the apex predator in Kumungu, and if the Viego is their alpha, then he’s the target to go for. Now, obviously he’s still got a hunt for Kha’Zix that has yet to be resolved, but let’s be honest: we’re never going to see that rivalry conclude, and this is the most lore relevance Rengar has had in ages. I’m for this skin, though of course we do still have the issue of who in Kumungu would be a good Ruined rival for him. On that note...

Ruined Zyra: Alright, here me out. Ixtal as a region doesn’t have that many characters, let-alone good candidates for Ruination. Perhaps the best and most obvious candidate would be Qiyana, but I take issue with this for a few reasons. Firstly, accepting Ruination for the power to rule is already something we’ve done with MF/GP, and second, I don’t think the Shadow Isles aesthetic works super well with her elemental-swapping gameplay. I chose Ruined Zyra because, well, Zyra already wants to spread her plants far and wide across Runeterra, and the Mist would be a great method for carrying seeds, not to mention making her offspring harder to prune. Not the most deep, but yeah, I think Ruined Zyra would have been a cool concept to work with.

Lastly...

Unbound Thresh: A mistake. I’ve already made my opinions on Thresh’s lore abundantly clear in my rewrite for him, and this skin just destroys any hope for his character for me. This sexy E-Boy is unquestionably the worst thing to come out of the whole event, and whatever Riot is planning to do with Thresh in the future, it does NOT justify this design. Plus, the whole idea that an undead character can become “unbound” is just dumb. Like, when has it ever been implied that Thresh himself was actually bound in any way? He’s one of the few Shadow Isles entities that can freely leave the Mist, at least for a time! Yeah, this skin was a mistake, but Riot has to cash in on the simps, I suppose.

Anyways, I’ll give my thoughts on the story itself once this is all said and done, but for now, these are my takes on the individual skins. Hope you all enjoyed hearing me ramble.

#Outofpower #Ruination

2 notes · View notes

wonderfulworldofmichaelford · 4 years ago

Text

Is It Really THAT Bad?

Gigli is perhaps one of the most infamous films ever made. Originally to be a straight mob film brought to the world by Martin Brest, director of classics such as Beverly Hills Cop, Midnight Run, and Meet Joe Black, the executives decided to do what they do best: meddle. The film was then changed into a rom-com vehicle for stars Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez to bank on their wildly popular real-life romance. Unfortunately for the execs, there wouldn’t be much to cash in, since the film bombed to the tune of less than a tenth of its budget. And that would be one thing if it were merely a bomb, that wouldn’t be something worth discussing to any great degree, but this movie goes beyond that.

This film has widely been panned as one of the worst films ever made, bar none. It frequently finds its way onto “worst films of all time” lists, was mocked as a side effect of computer viruses in Weird Al’s song “Virus Alert,” and is just in general regarded as a terrible, terrible film. Ben Affleck certainly thinks so; according to Matt Damon, his eye twitches when the film is mentioned, and according to Kevin Smith, bringing this movie up is a surefire way to end any argument you might be having with Affleck. It’s not surprising he feels this way about the film either, since this film’s failure helped derail his career until he managed to bounce back later in the 2000s and 2010s with better roles and some great directing gigs. But here and now, in the year 2020, far removed from the media craze surrounding the “Bennifer” romance and all the craziness this film had to offer, I must ask an important question:

Is it really THAT bad?

The Good

So what’s really shocking here is that there are some genuinely great performances, though sadly most of them only last a single scene. I think the one that most people go to is Christopher Walken as a cop who wanders into Gigli’s apartment and rambles on for a few minutes, eventually going off about pie before walking out of the film, never to be seen again. It brings to mind such memorably awkward one-scene appearances such as his minor role in Pulp Fiction with how utterly bizarre it is. As much as I love Walken, though, I have to say the real scene-stealing one-scene wonder here is Al Pacino as the mob boss Starkman, who manages to make his mark on the film with but a single scene under his belt. He comes across as genuinely affable and yet completely unhinged, cheerfully discussing facts about the human thumb before blowing the brains out of an idiotic subordinate and gleefully showing us how to be truly intimidating. It’s easily the best performance in the movie.

Well, it would be at least if not for Justin Bartha of National Treasure fame. He plays a mentally handicapped man named Brian, and while he’s certainly playing into the Hollywood ideas of the mentally handicapped, he doesn’t ever feel totally offensive or cringey. The fact he’s never really treated as the butt of the jokes and actually gets a relatively happy ending is pretty good too. Bartha definitely did a good job with this character who I feel would likely be horribly offensive in the hands of others.

The movie is also genuinely amusing at a few points, and not entirely in an ironic sense. Scenes where Ricki intimidates some punks at a restaurant are amusing, but sadly they are few and far between. Ironic enjoyment can definitely be gleaned though, as there’s a lot of awkward dialogue or just strange and ridiculous scenes (again: Christopher Walken and Al Pacino).

The Bad

So weirdly enough, the biggest issue with this film is actually the two leads, which is even more baffling because they were dating in real life. I guess the movie is something of a cautionary tale detailing how some couples just don’t function as well onscreen as they do offscreen. Anyway, let’s look at their characters one at a time:

First is Ben Affleck’s Gigli, the title character. Now, at the start of the film, Gigli is your average mob enforcer, but as soon as he meets the self-described lesbian Ricki, he becomes what is known as a

In fact, Gigli might be one of the biggest, saddest simps of all time, because the girl he’s after is supposedly a lesbian (we’ll get to that in a bit). Affleck managed to play this character type far better in the film Chasing Amy, but he had the luck of being directed by Kevin Smith in his prime with a script that wasn’t forced to shoehorn in a popular tabloid romance. Here, his every romantic interaction becomes awkward, and his declaration of love is just sad, creepy, and pathetic. What’s worse, in the end, he seemingly gets the girl, a stark contrast from Chasing Amy. It comes off as really gross and cringeworthy.

Then we get to Ricki. While she’s written a lot better for the most part, the fact she is referred to exclusively as a lesbian for the entire movie is a bit… odd. It leads to so many unfortunate implications, cringeworthy moments, and perhaps one of the most uncomfortable sex scenes ever, and all of this could have been avoided if the film had stopped calling her a lesbian and used a neat little word that begins with a B: BISEXUAL. It is abundantly clear Ricki is a bisexual from the point she meets Gigli’s mother, but this possibility is never brought up or discussed at any point whatsoever in the film. Ricki is a lesbian as far as this film is concerned, even after she has sex with Gigli and decides to run off and start a life with him in the end.

The lack of romantic chemistry between these two makes all the scenes that are flirtatious between them come off as awkward, and frankly there’s just something nasty about a film where a guy basically pesters a “lesbian” until she relents and has sex with him, something only exacerbated by Ricki saying “It’s turkey time. Gobble gobble” to get him to engage in intercourse with her. I’m guessing there was a similar dynamic between them in earlier drafts that had this creepy romance shoehorned in when the execs decided to make this a “Bennifer” vehicle. It’s unfortunate because for the most part, the two play off of each other really well, but when it comes time for the lovey-dovey stuff, they just drop the ball hard.

Is It Really THAT Bad?

This movie has a legendary reputation that it most definitely does not live up to. Gigli is honestly an okay, if still trashy, film. I would not argue this movie is high art, or even great, but it’s certainly not unwatchably bad and certainly veers closer into the waters of “so bad it’s good” than genuinely horrible. The awkward line deliveries and solid performances from side characters certainly help keep this film afloat, even when the awful romance shoved into this goofy gangster film tries its hardest to sink it.

With an IMDB score of 2.5, it currently sits at #19 on the Bottom 100, and frankly I feel that’s an overstatement born of resentment from when the film first came out. Watching it now, in 2020, it certainly isn’t the most horrible thing to ever grace my screen; I think a score more in the mid to low 5 range would be a much better fit for it, maybe even a 5.5 if I was feeling especially generous. Again, I can’t really say this movie is great, or amazing, or even a must-see, but it’s amusing and not nearly as bad as I was led to believe for years. If you’re going to watch it, definitely don’t watch it for the romance, because this movie fails at the “rom” part of “rom-com.” It is, however, pretty good at the “com” part, intentionally or otherwise.

#Is it really that bad?#review #movie review #Gigli #Ben Affleck #Jennifer Lopez #rom-com #crime movie

16 notes · View notes

crankgayplays · 5 years ago

Text

I blame @corruptedmetadata for this

Hate is such a strong word, I don’t like using it lightly. There is no point in dwelling on feelings of hate and anger, the past is the past and dwelling cannot change it. However, at the end of the day, I am still human, and I truly and deeply hate Mark with all my heart has to give.

Yes, it’s a lot to do with jealousy. I’m definitely not too prideful to admit that.

He has had everything I wanted from the moment we were born. I came from a poor family, he had been born with the silver spoon lodged firmly in that million-dollar heart-stealing smile. I couldn’t even tell you how we had become friends, maybe it was just that herd mentality of being kids and seeing other boys who looked like us, uncommon in our area at the time, or maybe Mark really was a decent person at first.

Or maybe I was a dumb fucking kid and couldn’t see him for the person he truly was, he was good at playing people like that.

Whatever the reason, we were friends.

Us and .. Damien.

Oh Damien, listen if being a Korean in the 1900′s in a predominately white, affluent area was bad realizing your eye wandered to your very male very out of your social class best friend? Yeah, that didn’t do you any fucking favors. It wasn’t until we were teenagers that I realized my interest in pretty girls, spread to pretty boys too and that it, in fact, wasn’t a typical thing to have your heart rate speed up whenever your best friend smiled at you. Bro’s just bein Bro’s right? Ugck.

That really didn’t matter though because while Damien very clearly had some attraction towards men, it would take an idiot not to notice, it wasn’t meant to be. Once again, Mark had something I wanted, Damien’s heart. The idiot was completely oblivious, or maybe he wasn’t and he was just that sadistic, but it was written clear as day on his face whenever he looked at Mark. followed his every word and action like a loyal dog.

I don’t mean that as an insult mind you, Damien will always have a piece of my heart as my first love, best friend and confidant I have nothing but respect, it’s just a fact. Mark did that to people, put leashes on them and made them follow happily even some of the most on-fire, independent people I had ever seen sat when he said sit.

Eventually, I told myself to let go of these feelings, my mother always taught me that you should never want for something. Either take it or move on, and love is not something you take. Love is a precious and fragile gift that is given to you with trust and care, and something you should cherish as much as you do your own life, perhaps even more. Yes, I know that’s not the healthiest mindset to have but, well fuck you I don’t have the healthiest mind.

Either way, My heart moved on and I found myself growing closer to and falling in love with Celine, Damien’s equally as beautiful and world stopping twin sister. God, I am a cliche. I really did think about this a lot, realizing the negative implications of falling for Damien’s twin after all this with him. Celine is very different from her brother though, just a different kind of fire that set me ablaze all the same. This also had the added benefit of being “Normal” I was already struggling, being, as I said a low-income Korean man in the twenties who at the time unbeknownst to even myself as psychology was a shit show, was suffering some psychosis symptoms. oops.

I really felt I had a shot, and then once again Mark got what I wanted. Celine fell in love with him, and this time he returned it. So I got to have the wonderful double impact situation of seeing yet another love slip through my fingers and straight into HIS but I also got to watch the shatter behind Damien's eyes. I knew he was happy, he would never be resentful or angry towards his sister he loved her more than he loved himself but I could see he was hurting.

Things only got worse from there, watching Damien realize Mark wasn’t who he thought he was, seeing Celine hurt and suffering. It was all too much, Mark had these amazingly wonderful people and things in his privileged life and he never earned it. He never worked for it, he never was humble never tried to deserve these blessings, never treated those who loved him even half as good as they did him.

It hurt to see, and maybe I sound spoiled and like I’m throwing a tantrum but I’m fine with that. I’m human, I have flaws and that includes petty unrelenting jealousy towards a piece of shit who logically I know doesn’t deserve to take up my mind the way he does but still indeed does. Trauma is a bitch like that.

After everything that happened, I thought once I met this new .. person, Dark, it would be different. Maybe this life I imagined could happen, just a bit more on the crazy side which frankly sounded even better!! I thought for once, I could be free of ever having to hear Mark’s name ever again.

God, I hate him.

#wilford warfstache #who killed markiplier #darkstache #celine the seer #wkm william #damien the mayor #actor mark #markiplier #my writing #meta

62 notes · View notes

greywindys · 5 years ago

Note

Would you have preferred phase 3 to not happen at all? Like if you could rewrite it any way, what would you want different and why? Same with phase 5

I don’t think I would ever erase it (though I’ve read compelling arguments for doing so). My issues with phase 3 stem from how much more interesting it could have been. A lot of PB fans always cite Murdoc’s character development as a reason to love it, but I don’t entirely agree with or understand that? I think there are SO many ways to give Murdoc meaningful character development that don’t involve making him nearly irredeemable (completely irredeemable in a more realistic work).

I guess the main things I’d make changes to are the roles- give them both something to do! Give them their own agendas! Specifically 2D! I would have liked to see 2D actively move the plot along on his own in some way. Like, say he goes with Murdoc to the island with the covert intent of recording their album and using the presumed profit/exposure to kickstart his acting career so he can leave the band for good. Murdoc would be recording hoping for the opposite - to revive the band and to try and hold onto his life’s work. He still has this unresolved grief over Noodle and unfairly takes a lot of his anger out on 2D. The phase seesaws between moments of resentment and tenderness/longing for the comradery they once had.

I would have also been totally hf a Murdoc-centric phase with focus on his lonely creative process writing the album, reflections on his past and his mistakes (El Manana) without the rest of the band. Maybe he records the album with 2D, but abruptly flees with all of their recordings once the Boogieman/Black Clouds come after him. Then 2D would be left having nooo idea what was going on but assumes Murdoc was trying to steal credit for all their work. Little does he know what’s actually going on (which would be revealed later as the band comes together again). But most of the phase would be Murdoc’s emotional journey during his self-imposed isolation. I did like the supernatural elements in P3, and would have loved to see them utilize more maritime folklore and cosmic horror. I know that would have been asking too much though haha.

As for P5, I was mostly unhappy with the the rushed ending. I actually didn’t mind the reveal that Murdoc was lying because frankly, I hated the implications of 2D being possessed. The moral of the phase was still iffy though. So it would have been nice to build-up to the lie reveal. I also would have wanted to add more in there about Murdoc’s epiphany and what he saw during his near-death experience because that was the only bit of information that suggested something supernatural was about, even if it wasn’t El Mierda. What did he see?? We never got any answers.

#asks.#Anonymous #long post

12 notes · View notes

elopez7228 · 4 years ago

Text

Scenic Route 43/47

Read on AO3 : https://archiveofourown.org/works/18268208/chapters/43229774

Start over : https://elopez7228.tumblr.com/post/620919089893933056/scenic-route-0147

***

Earth Soldiers HQ, July 9th, 11 PM

Rey didn't know how to react when Leia hugged her. She didn't have time to dwell on her discomfort: BB8 ran enthusiastically into the old woman’s arms, jumping up to lick her fingers.

Leia crouched down to pet her affectionately, scratching her head and giving her a few belly rubs while cooing soft praises in her ear.

Rose made a face that didn’t escape Rey’s attention. She was obviously waiting for the right moment to speak up.

A bell rang and the blonde woman walked over to the intercom near the door. She asked for the password, pressed a button. Leia straightened and smoothed her dress. Rey held her breath; who were we waiting for?

Another ring.The door opened to reveal another woman carrying…boxes of pizza? Rey raised an eyebrow. The place felt more like a dorm room than a headquarters.

Behind the woman stood yet another person Rey didn’t recognize: a man with a sharp blue eyes that pierced his worn face. His cheeks were concealed by a greying beard, one that matched his equally drab grey clothing. Leia walked over to him and kissed his cheek gently. Then she pulled out a chair and motioned for him to sit down.

The pizza girl placed her bounty on the table, sweeping aside what looked like yesterday’s leftovers to make more room for the pile of boxes before greeting the rest of the room with familiar warmth.

Rey still stood stiffly in the middle of the room, not daring to move.

Leia Skywalke finally spoke.

“Rey, this is my brother Luke Skywalker, our lawyer Amylin Holdo, and our heads of staff, Kaydel Connix, and Rose and Paige Tico. We’re so happy you and BB8 were able to make it. I realize the trip was rough and that you were attacked by FORCE on multiple occasions. I want to sincerely apologize on behalf of the team, we endangered you in the name of our cause and we had no right to do so. But you’re safe here, and I'm so glad I trusted you.”

Rey pursed her lips. So Leia didn't know anything about her failure, about the damaged chip. She wanted to cry.

Rose had no trouble holding back her feelings, her face fuming as she walked over to her superiors.

“Leia, Rey betrayed us, she’s been sleeping with Kylo Ren this whole time! I saw them. She was late because she even spent the night with him. And the microchip is fucking broken!”

Rey blushed violently. It was all true. She had nothing to say in defense. She looked down, waiting for the tidal wave of anger, the insults and curses that they would inevitably throw at her. But she heard nothing.

Slowly, she looked up to find Leia standing in front of her. She took her hand gently, her gaze soft and her lips curling into a hidden smile.

“Rey’s mission was to bring BB8 back to Luke in San Francisco. And that's exactly what she did.”

“I don't understand,” Rose whispered, nearly flinching away.

Leia released her hand and turned to the other women. Rose, Paige, and Kaydel stood speechless, waiting for an explanation. Amylin and Luke were far more interested in the pizza.

“I owe you all an explanation, and an apology,” Leia began. “The chip in BB8’s collar was a fake. Only Luke, Amylin and I knew that. I'm sorry for the inconvenience, Rose. You did a great job. Thanks for picking up Rey in Nevada.”

“You can count on me,” Rose nodded, her face pale, “but I don't understand. Where's the real microchip?”

“In a silicone capsule, implanted under BB8's skin. Our vet, Dr. Kalonia, will be making a minor incision to recover it. Rey’s job was to protect my dog with her life, and that's precisely what she did. The other chip was just a diversion—and a useful one too, if I understand correctly.”

Rose gasped, suddenly spinning on her heels to walk out of the room and making sure to slam the door behind her.

Rey understood her anger. They’d lied to Rose, had hidden the real plans from her as if she was another pawn and not a ranking leader. Rey would‘ve been shattered too. She suddenly felt a lot of empathy for the young woman, barely stopping herself from running to comfort her. She wasn't sure her company would be welcome. Paige took care of it and disappeared into the hallway behind her sister.

Leia fed BB8 a slice of pizza, watching as she swallowed it greedily.

“What am I going to do now?” Rey stammered.

“Your mission is over, you’re free. You can go wherever you want,” Leia replied calmly. “I'll pay you the other five hundred dollars.”

Rey shook her head. She wasn't an Earth Soldiers agent, Kylo Ren's mercenary, or anything like that. She didn't want their money or their drama—she wanted to go home and curl up in Ben Solo's arms.

“I don't want your money,” she bit out. “I’m not one of your toy soldiers.”

Leia raised an eyebrow, a knowing smile on her lips. “What do you want, then?” She asked demurely.

"Your son. His freedom. The end of this stupid family tragedy. Nothing you could possibly ever give me,” Rey thought.

“Stick around for dinner,” Leia suggested in return, though she wasn’t insisting. “And if you want, I can get you a hotel room in town until you leave. When’s takeoff?”

“Sunday night,” Rey answered. “And I wouldn’t mind a hotel room. I can't stand the campsites and the mattress in the car anymore.”

“Consider it done. Kaydel will find something for you,” Leia agreed, nodding at Kaydel, who wordlessly took out her tablet again.

Dinner was silent. Rey mused that Luke Skywalker looked like a man worn down by fate and bygone years. He and his sister seemed to have lived a life of endless struggle. They must’ve been exhausted. This lawsuit against FORCE would be a deliverance...or a final judgment.

“Could I take BB8 to the vet?” Rey asked, “she saved my life. I'd like to make sure she's okay.”

“Of course,” Leia nodded. “Tell me, how is he?”

“He's better,” Rey replied without thinking, biting into a slice of pepperoni, “I worry about the rest of the—

She blushed suddenly, remembering where she was. She shrank under Leia’s amused gaze. “Wh—who are you talking about?” She stammered, feigning innocence,

The old woman didn’t answer. She reached over to Rey and gently pulled a strand off her face to slip it behind her ear. A tender maternal gesture.

“Does he smile?” She asked.

Rey’s throat tightened with an unnamed emotion as she remembered all of Ben’s smiles.

The lopsided grins he gave her before hauling her off to bed, the spontaneous upturn of his lips when he was able to pet BB8 for the first time, the resigned smirk when he’d let her braid his hair, the luminous smiles when he saw her in the distance, the triumphant ones when he made her come, the timid one when she told him that she loved him, the sincere one when he asked for kisses. He would beam at her tenderly when she woke up in the morning. She even remembered the little smirks he tried to keep to himself when he made her laugh, the ones that bloomed in full when he came in her arms and buried his face in her hair.

“Yeah,” she said. “All the time.”

“That's good,” Leia said, sitting up weakly. “It's very good.”

For a moment, Rey saw her eyes glisten.

That night, Rey didn’t stay at a hotel. The underground apartment that served as the activists' headquarters had two bedrooms and a living room, all of which had been hastily transformed into workspaces with the addition of desks and computers next to the furniture and couches. Rey was offered a place on one such couch, and a blanket. She fell asleep listening to the whisper of conversations in the next room. Some of the others didn’t sleep at all.

In the morning she was awakened by loud voices and the smell of freshly brewed coffee.

Her feet dragged her into the living room where she was greeted by an enthusiastic BB8 (with tail wagging at full speed) and a brooding Rose Tico.

Rey shrugged internally. She understood the girl's resentment, but honestly there was nothing more she could do. She hadn't destroyed the real micro-SD. What was her heinous crime—loving Ben Solo? If so, she pleaded guilty with her head held high.

After giving BB8 a few belly rubs, she went to find the coffee machine.

The crew was clearly not in a good place. Their pantsuit-clad lawyer was in the middle of a hushed conversation with Leia, who in contrast wore a long flowy dress and heavy bangles.

In an unexpected turn of events, Kylo Ren had hired his own “last-minute defense attorney”, as Amilyn put it.

“At this stage, no charges will be brought against him personally. Only against FORCE, for corporate misconduct. We’re still aiming for Snoke.”

“But he will be implicated later in the proceedings, he’s not stupid enough to ignore that,” Leia said finally. I think we should accept a tête à tête.”

“Frankly, I'm not sure.That would prejudge our intentions for the trial. No matter what this Windu guy says, we should wait until the end of the hearing. For the principle alone, Leia.”

“Did you research this lawyer?” Leia asked, sipping her cup of coffee.

“Yes, he's registered with the Boston Bar. Mace Windu, he teaches at Harvard. That’s probably where Kylo met him. A prestigious lawyer, but very aggressive, with unorthodox methods. He and your son must get along. Which is precisely what worries me.”

“I want to do this.” Leia reiterated calmly.

“Leia, that’s unreasonable! The hearing is in ten days, Kylo will have plenty of time to make his own case, later. You need to stay focused on the here and now.”

Rey's heart was pounding painfully in her chest. She blushed at the very mention of Ben. She hid her cheeks behind the coffee mug that she raised to her lips.

“Hello Rey,” Leia smiled at her. “We have an appointment at ten o’clock at the vet. You’re most welcome to join.”

“Okay,” Rey nodded. “Can I take a shower?”

“There’s a bathroom at the end of the corridor, to your left. I hope you have a towel because we’re no Hilton. You walk out the same way you walked in,” she chuckled.

“It'll be fine,” Rey smiled politely.

Under the hot water, Rey washed her hair carefully. She had left the living room mostly in order to escape the conversation that clearly wasn’t intended for her to hear. She felt like a spy again. Talking about Ben—or rather, Kylo Ren— brought up feelings that she couldn't put her finger on. She was upset, she knew that.

They only referred to him by this stage name. It was dehumanizing. Was it on purpose, to tell the difference between Leia Skywalker's son and their enemy, the boogeyman they were going to send to prison? Was he Kylo Ren in the courtroom and Ben Solo in the streets?

At least he hired a lawyer, that was a good call. He was taking initiative to protect himself from the oncoming storm.

Rey instinctively crossed her fingers. As long as he got out one day...

By the time Rey returned to the living room, Leia had prepared BB8 for her trip to the vet. Amylin reached for the car keys.

No one else was coming, and Rey fancied, with mixed feelings, that she was one of the VIPs now. Amylin and Leia took their places in the front and BB8, tongue slobbering and tail wagging as usual, climbed onto her lap in the back seat.

Rey gave her playful scratches and tickles now and then. They had both experienced a ton! Confronted a bear. Defeated a killer. Tamed Ben Solo’s heart. She’d found a real ride or die, for adventures and misadventures alike, in this adorable little orange furball. Rey felt her heart sink at the thought of leaving her soon.

London would no longer have the same appeal to her, now that she knew she was leaving her love and her dog behind.

She sat patiently in the vet's waiting room. The place reeked of bleach and disinfectant. Leia sat down next to her, her hands on her knees. Rey slouched in her own chair, somewhat deflated.

“Thank you,” said Leia, and Rey wasn't immediately sure that she was being addressed.

She looked up. “For the dog? You're welcome. Sorry I couldn’t bring the car back, I know it had sentimental value.”

“Oh no, it doesn't matter. Ben is important. The rest is just...material.” Leia gave her a soft, knowing look, which touched Rey’s heart. “Thank you for making my son smile.”

She didn’t know what to say. What to say to this mother who permanently hid her broken heart under her warrior’s shield. How could anyone comfort her? Rey reached for the woman’s hand.

“I resented you. For setting me up. For putting me in danger. And then I met Ben and resented you for being responsible for him, and then…I got to know him. And I resented you for causing him so much sorrow.”

She had said these words, however harsh, in soft tones. Leia didn’t flinch.

“I know. I'm sorry that I was…such a terrible mother. I’ve spent my life leading troops in a war. Often I forget the people, under the uniforms. I’ve done a lot of harm to the people around me.”

“But I don't blame you anymore,” Rey continued. “I understand your decisions. And I love your son—exactly as he is. With all his flaws and his weaknesses. I hope one day you can forgive each other.”

“I hope you’ll be there to see it.”

Rey looked away. She was going to be out of their lives in a few days. She wasn't sure she would ever see them again, let alone if Ben would be convicted of the crimes. He would be stuck in prison if his lawyer Mace Windu wasn't phenomenal.

As she ruminated on their misfortune, the operating room doors opened. Rey stood up.

“BB8 is ready,” said Dr. Kalonia. “Here’s the chip, and here’s our good girl. Make sure to put the cone on her for a few days so that she doesn't lick her wound, which you should disinfect carefully morning and evening. My assistant will print out a prescription for you.”

Rey reached out and greeted the little dog, who was still a little groggy. She licked the girl’s face and Rey covered her with smacking kisses.

“I’ll miss you, old girl! Oh yes, I will! We've both been through a lot, haven't we?”

Leia had stood up behind her and absently read the prescription.

“Rey,” she said without even looking up from the paper. “BB8 seems very attached to you. Would you…would you like to adopt her?”

#reylo #fanfiction #scenic route #modern AU

2 notes · View notes

tiffgeorgina · 5 years ago

Text

fuck it black monday soulmate au

this one goes out to brit pricevore and that damn quote rt about hating soulmate aus. also to all the time i wasted in the shower last night thinking about this. brit if you’re reading this i have done my part.

this fic is sponsored by the hyuna and LE collab that i cannot stop blasting. it’s called blacklist and it kind of invented music

-ok so im starting with mo and dawn because of fucking course i am

-mo spends like four years in prison starting from when he’s 20 or 21 or sum shit. around this time, dawn’s getting her MBA from northwestern. as soon as mo’s out of prison, jammer stakes the jammer group and hands majority ownership over to mo. alright so mo needs some employees he can’t do all this by himself. so he schedules an interview with dawn and meets her and realizes that this is His Soulmate.

-im not really certain what the exact soulmate au would be for this because frankly i don’t care, i don’t want to get into that rn lol. but it’s something obvious and clear-cut, like seeing color for the first time when you make eye contact with your soulmate or smth. Actually i rly like that idea so im gonna roll with it. Fuck it you see color the first time the first time you touch your soulmate (i’ll get into the general implications of this some more later on, maybe after keith/mike’s part stay tuned xx) i love me some ambiguous soulmate aus but all the relationships in this show are ambiguous enough so i’ll pass in that regard this time. also in this universe, your soulmate isn’t necessarily regarded as your romantic partner for life. some conservatives/evangelists/fundamentalists/traditionalists will consider any marriage/sexual or romantic relationships with people other than your soulmate to be an abomination or w/e, and the 80s were pretty conservative, but they were also pretty weird, so a lot of people give zero fucks and will date/fuck/marry whoever. these people tend to regard soulmates as the most important person in your life, regardless of the nature of your relationship with them. some people’s soulmates are like a parent to them, and could never imagine being romantic/sexual with them. lots of people never meet their soulmates due to distance/death/etc. basically fate is not as all-knowing in this soulmate au as it is in some others. there is more to a long-lasting, successful romantic relationship than just love. back in the 40s or whatever, people would meet their soulmates and marry like two weeks later, never having had sex or a romantic relationship with anybody else, and then two days into the marriage they realize how devastatingly incompatible they are and the relationship crumbles under the strain of resentment and confusion within a year. people in the 80s have started to learn the lessons the people in the 40s never had time to figure out, so most people have some romantic/sexual experience before they meet their soulmate. besides, who wants to wait that long to have sex? not me tf

-ok back to the plot now that we got the background is down. mo and dawn meet and know they’re soulmates. so they get to know each other, but their main focus is work bc they’ve got a lot of work to do if they want to get anywhere. the company is young, dawn’s just out of school, and mo’s just out of prison. there’s a lot of ground to cover and they’re impatient asf to be rich and powerful.

-the romance sort of happens naturally, given how much time they spend together, and they fall hard. they start dating, and when it’s great, it’s great. but when it’s bad, it’s fucking horrible. they’re both really underdeveloped as people (should i mention that they both literally just entered the workforce lol) and they just. can’t. get. along.

-they hire some more people, like keith and yassir and wayne, and even they can tell that their relationship just sucks. they fight all the time over petty shit, and their fights always go way too far and never get properly resolved. sure, the sex is good and they want pretty similar futures (lots of money and no kids), but emotionally, in the short term, they are as incompatible as it gets. they have the same argument that they’ve had a gazillion times about promoting dawn to partner, but this time it goes a little too far. the things they say are a little too hurtful, and at this point, the relationship is a little too broken to salvage. they both know that when dawn storms out that night, it’s the last time. she moves out the next day.

-but she can’t really quit, can she? at this point she’s put in like three years of work at this place, and it’s moving up the ranks, and she’s head trader. she’s not taking a pay cut because she’s too immature to work with her ex-who-is-also-her-soulmate. so she sticks around. it’s a little awkward at first, but she and mo just come to an unspoken agreement that they’ll spend less time together and let themselves detach as much as possible, because at this point, a romantic relationship just seems so impossible, so why try? they can be each other’s most important person without being romantic partners, right? of course they can! Yeah, maybe they were just destined to be platonic soulmates. this will definitely work.

-so dawn meets this guy. his name is spencer. they hit it off right away too. of course, they’re much less compatible (in terms of long-term plans and all that, especially regarding having a family) than she and mo ever were, and the chemistry is nowhere near as electric, but at least they can have a conversation about something other than how much they hate the lehman brothers without screaming at each other. despite how much she knows she doesn’t love him like she still does used to love mo, she thinks she can live the rest of her life like this. they get engaged after dating for a year, and then married after a six month engagement period.

-mo stays single for about a decade or so. the most serious relationship he has isn’t even monogamous and it’s like, barely a year. he tells himself that he’s not looking for love, and he’s much happier to just sleep around and count his money and focus on that. everybody he ever talks to knows this is a bald-faced lie. they choose not to bring it up.

-(IM REALIZING HOW SIMILAR THIS IS TO THE CANON BACKSTORY/PLOT OF BLACK MONDAY IM SCREAMING SHGLKSDFHGLKSDRGHLS WHATEVER IM HAVING FUN) so mo and dawn are still working together and their relationship is... getting better. time heals all wounds right? well, not if you keep rubbing salt in the wound by literally working with your ex-who-is-also-your-soulmate and seeing them everyday. they know subconsciously that they could’ve been really fucking great, if only they hadn’t been such idiots in their 20s. but now that chance is gone, and they both just have to accept that. they still get into fights and shit, but it tends to be over much more superficial stuff. of course, people without fifteen years of history don’t get into screaming matches over tiny shit like they do. but that’s the territory of working with your ex-who-is-also-your-soulmate.

-so mo has this stupid fucking idea that he doesn’t even run by dawn before throwing $60 mil on it, because of course he does. so she has no choice but to go with it. they hire this kid, his name is blair, because they need him to pull this off. blair finds out that mo and dawn are soulmates who used to date but don’t anymore, and he’s really not even that surprised. of course, it’s weird to find out that your bosses whom you’re weirdly close to, who seem to hate each other, used to be in love and date and the whole nine yards and all that, but it makes a lot of sense.

-so they go off to the predator’s ball bc even rich people need money sometimes. you know that scene where they’re walking back to their rooms after that wild ass night, and mo’s like “you want to call it, or?” and dawn’s like “would if i could but im married” and then they get into a fight over collateral shares? fuck that scene entirely. let dawn find out about that 30% collateral shit like the next day or some shit idfc. instead, dawn’s just a smidge drunker than she was in canon, or maybe she was thinking more clearly than she has in a while, and she just fuckin goes for it. she kisses him, and of course he kisses her, and they... sleep in the same room that night. lmfao you know what i mean. and so starts this sort of friends/business-partners-with-benefits thing.

-they are next level awkward when they get back to NYC, and blair and keith notice the fuck out of it. they aren’t exactly on speaking terms, so they don’t bring it up to each other, but fuck if they don’t bitch about to their respective soulmates (which i will get into)

-dawn feels soooo guilty it’s unreal. But she rationalizes the hell out of it. Her relationship with spencer has a textbook dead bedroom (which is actually sort of canon), and she signed up for monogamy, not celibacy. it’s not her first example of fucked up morals for sleeping with somebody other than her husband, anyways; there are worse things she can do (and has done) than cheat. It’s not fair that he gets to have all the sex he wants while she has to suffer in silence. So she keeps hooking up with mo even if it’s the worst thing she could do for her relationship with him (and her relationship with spencer, who doesn’t even know that she’s met her soulmate, let alone that her soulmate is her fuckin business partner [canon divergent, spencer does not find out about her and mo in 1x02])

-mo feels guilty in theory but really he’s just happy to be with dawn again in some way. They’re never in dawn’s apartment, so there’s no chance they can ever be caught ever. This is fine. They are fine.

-as one can expect, they are not fine and spencer notices dawn acting differently. Eventually she has a couple drinks one night and the guilt overwhelms her so she ends up coming clean. Safe to say she and spencer get that divorce.

-around this time, mo is telling blair about the georgina play, and blair is telling him to go fuck himself. Also around this time, tiff is getting kidnapped.

-dawn immediately suspects that mo did some stupid shit when she finds out mo told blair everything. So she goes to find him, only to find him at his lake house, spreading ashes. After he tells her he knows nothing of tiff’s kidnapping and he’s spreading the ashes of a friend, she relaxes and they spend the night together, just talking over all the shit they’ve been through. They don’t have sex that night, but they feel what they used to feel when they were together 15 years ago.

-in the middle of the night, blair calls dawn in a blind panic, talking about how tiff’s parents arranged her kidnapping for the press without telling her. Blair says, “Let’s you and me run the georgina play. That’s right, i know you knew, you’re too smart not to” and dawn says “no.” she doesn’t give excuses or anything, she puts her foot down because she will not let this kid she’s known for barely a year convince her to fuck up the most fulfilling relationship she’s ever had as soon as they get to a good place again. She tells him she’ll run the play with him, but it’s not gonna be against mo. either all three of them are fucked with mo and dawn $60 mil in the hole and blair out of a job, or all three of them can be filthy rich and successful. That’s the deal. Blair says he’ll call her back tomorrow.

-the next morning, mo and dawn are talking on the doorstep, and mo brings up the georgina play and how the kid fuckin hates him now, and there’s no chance of pulling off the play bc he quit. Dawn’s like “yeah, about that… we need to schedule a meeting with him” and mo’s like “what for?” and dawn’s like “i spoke to him last night, his fiancée’s kidnapping was a sham that her parents pulled off and he might be in the right headspace to fuck them over right around now” and mo’s like “holy shit you miracle worker” and they make out and when they walk back into the office, they’re hand in hand.

-they call blair into the office and they basically just yell at each other for three hours. Keith, yassir, wayne, and ronnie do not know what is going on and frankly they are too afraid to ask. Eventually, they reach an agreement: blair will pull hand over 6% of georgina jeans in exchange for 20% of the jammer group, and another 25% to dawn (after they use blair’s algorithm to grab that last 30% from the lehmans). They shake on it, but none of them leave happy.

-blair’s not exactly happy to fuck over his parents-in-law, and mo isn’t happy to lose majority control of his own company. Dawn lucked out, gaining more power and losing little in the play, but her relationship with both of them is so on-the-rocks that she can’t imagine upholding a business partner relationship with them. This is gonna go so great after blair gets married in *checks watch* like two months.

-so blair gets married and the georgina play is a thing that happens (successfully might i add) and everything is kind of shitty because there are at least two relationships to repair here, and one that’s coming back from the dead. But little by little, they all get to a better place until they’re more or less back at where they were before mo told blair everything and they were all just friends except this time mo and dawn are dating xx

-WHEW and that is that on that. And by that on that i mean that on mo/dawn for this au. Dw im gonna get to blair/tiff and mike/keith and im super excited to write those too but i’ll make sure to put those in a separate post because i don’t think tumblr could handle a +7000 word post lmfao (since this post is nearly 2500 words jesus christ)

-i hoped y’all liked reading this as much as i loved writing it!! Again i love feedback and i read everything y’all say in the tags so please put stuff in the tags bc i love that shit!! Gn xx

#black monday #fanfic #fanfiction #andrew rannells #blair pfaff #mo x dawn #maurice monroe #dawn darcy #dawn towner #fic: bm soulmates #otp: partners.#slander #a million queue lawyers a million queue years to queue out

12 notes · View notes

teamlarl · 5 years ago

Text

Su.yin Bei.fong is Cancelled - A Masterpost

A collection of my many, many, rants about Suyin that I’ve gone on in the past.

November 3, 2017

“Suyin motherfucking Beifong I swear to god... Like... Ughhhhh I can't go on a full on rant because you all don't know the context of it, but fuuuuuck. I have never seen a more self-absorbed character, that refuses to take responsibility for their actions, will blame everyone else, and just sticks their head in the sand.

And the kicker? The narrative always portrays Suyin as being in the right. Always. Without fail. Even when Suyin is being a complete bitch about everything.

She is a woman that outright refuses to believe that her precious baby boy could fall in love with someone she doesn't approve of. That Kuvira must be fucking manipulating Baatar Jr., that's clearly the only reason why he would ever love her. Not because, oh I don't know, they grew up together and Kuvira is the only god damn person to treat him like his own person, and not an extension of his father.”

---

April 25, 2018

“Kuvira has a LOT of mommy issues when it comes to Suyin, and frankly I don't blame her. Suyin is one of those characters that the narrative always frames as in the right, but when you really think about it is super fucked up.

They briefly acknowledged one aspect of it, with her whole drama with her sister, Lin, and then they didn't really do anything with it. Suyin never really got better. Hell, Lin is the one that's framed as the bitch for not wanting to get along with her self-admitted shit of a little sister after reuniting. Suyin Beifong is an extremely selfish character. She puts herself and her immediate family first, everyone else be damned. And it has to be HER vision of what she wants for her family. If a single one of them steps a hair out of line she lashes out; she's extremely controlling.”

---

October 5, 2018

“I want it stated for the record that if it wasn't for her being such a MILF then I wouldn't let her get away with as much shit as she does.

The worst part is that the show doesn't even acknowledge how most of the shit she does is super problematic, everyone's expected to acquiesce and apologize to HER for being VERY RIGHTFULLY ANGRY WITH HER. It's not even one time either. It happens TWICE. WITH DIFFERENT CHARACTERS. PEOPLE THAT SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE VERY CLOSE TO.

Oh woops. My dormant Suyin button got tripped.

LIN BEIFONG DOESN'T OWE SUYIN SHIT. But no, I guess because FAMILY and all that, Lin has to apologize. I guess Suyin ruining their mom's career counts for nothing. The thing with Suyin is that for all her claims about how she's grown up since she was a bratty teenager SHE REALLY HASN'T. She's STILL selfish. She's still convinced that she always knows best. She doesn't give a shit about the rules except when they benefit her.

Don't even get me STARTED on the dynamic she has with Kuvira, Because JESUS CHRIST THE IMPLICATIONS.

"She was like a daughter to me."

PROCEEDS TO TRY AND ASSASSINATE HER AN HOUR LATER.

"She was like a daughter to me."

Kuvira isn't in any of the family photos, she's not there to meet Korra and friends when they arrive for the first time, Suyin never introduces her or anything. Kuvira's just a guard. A prominent guard, but just a guard.

So don't give me that fucking bullshit about how she was like a daughter to you, Suyin. Your fucking actions speak VOLUMES otherwise. Suyin would fucking MURDER for the sake of her family. She can't claim that Kuvira is a part of her family and then TRY TO ASSASSINATE KUVIRA HERSELF.

"Baatar sweetie it's not your fault, the evil Kuvira manipulated you." "Kuvira is irredeemable."

LIKE WOW OKAY. BAATAR HAD JUST AS MUCH TO DO WITH THE EARTH EMPIRE AS KUVIRA DID, BUT THERE SUYIN GOES! SWEEPING IT ALL UNDER THE RUG FOR HER BABY BOY WHILE BLAMING IT ALL ON KUVIRA.

"She was like a daughter to me."

---

November 28, 2018

“I mean fuck. You pick this girl up off the street. You give her a home, you train her, you be her mentor, but you hold her at arm's length. You never allow her to be part of your family. Wait, scratch that, you let her be part of your family when it's convenient for you, when you're trying to gain sympathy for yourself. Teasing her with something she never had and you do not intend to give her. Never making her role clear, whether she's an apprentice or a daughter figure, because it's not defined, and it flips flops based on your mood.

And Suyin wonders why Kuvira resents her so much... Ah, but of course, it's the evil Kuvira, what am I saying?

A rotten apple from the start, am I right? She was like family, and she abused that trust, right? Manipulating your precious baby boy and taking him away from you, corrupting him. It's all her fault. But of course, it's never your fault, eh Suyin? It's always someone else to blame.

It's all Lin's problem that she can't move on and forgive you. Forgiving you for ruining your mother's career, for being a shit kid that gave your sister scars that would mar her for the rest of her life, for generally getting off scot-free because you're just such a fucking free spirit. But of course that's not your fault Why would it be? You're Suyin Beifong. You're never at fault for anything.

You know what's fun? I've never made any secret that Ren was heavily based on Kuvira. His entire backstory of being an orphan from nowhere adopted into this prestigious family comes from her. That his resolve and passion and issues comes from the tragedy he suffered as a child, similar to Kuvira.

But the thing is... The person I had fill in the role of Suyin, Ianus... is a far better "parent" than Suyin ever was. Like, ignoring the rest of the Beifong family and focusing purely on the dynamic between Suyin and Kuvira. It's fucking telling when I can say Ianus, fucking IANUS BASILIUS, is a better parental figure than Suyin motherfucking Beifong.

Ianus, who actually fully adopts Renatus as his own son and treats him as such. Ianus, who is wholly responsible for the glorified trauma conga line that is Addie's childhood. Ianus is not a good fucking person by any stretch of the imagination, but at least he has the decency to actually make sure the orphan he takes into his home is loved and cared for. He makes sure they know they're wanted and that they are family.”

---

September 18, 2019

“Suyin Beifong is the dictionary definition of "fuck you, bitch, got mine" and I hate her for it. God damn hypocrite.

"Kuvira is like a daughter to me." FIVE MINUTES LATER, SUYIN IS TRYING TO MURDER KUVIRA IN HER SLEEP.

"You're going to pay for everything you've done!" BITCH YOU JUST IMMEDIATELY FORGAVE YOUR SON FOR EVERYTHING, LIKE, AN HOUR AGO. AND HE IS JUST AS RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING AS KUVIRA IS.

"Kuvira is like a daughter to me." THEN WHERE IS SHE IN THE FUCKING FAMILY PHOTO?

For some godforsaken reason... Suyin is always portrayed as being in the right. Even when she does really fucked up things and isn't sorry about it. I mean, god, I'm still on Lin's side regarding their reunion. Lin had every right to be angry and Suyin is just like, "it doesn't matter, that was in the past, I'm a different person now."

Are you, Suyin? Maybe on a surface level, but when you scrape the surface at all, I don't think you are. Suyin Beifong is someone that never fucking has to deal with the negative consequences of her shitty actions. Everyone else around her has to deal with it instead.

Girl commits a crime, gets caught, and in the process both physically scars her sister and ruins her mother's career. Her "punishment" is being sent to live with her rich as fuck grandparents, which she runs away from anyway and proceeds to have a grand old time, having an adventure of a life. She is never sorry for her actions and how they affected others. And life seems to keep rewarding her for it.

Settles down, has a family, creates her own city and places herself at the head of the totem pole so she never has to answer to anyone. Basically becomes the epitome of a socialite wine mom, except with political power. Takes in this orphan kid because she sees potential in her. Great! Calls her a part of the family, despite never actually acting like it and never telling her this to her face, only to others. A difference which becomes really fucking prominent when Suyin only ever displays unconditional love for her biological children, but as soon as the "adopted kid" (put in quotations because of course Suyin never actually adopted Kuvira despite her being "part of the family") questions Suyin's decisions and strikes out on her own, taking the eldest son with her.

Ohohoho! Obviously she's an evil bitch! Who manipulated her darling baby boy into going with her! Because obviously her eldest son could only ever be happy at home! He wasn't. He always felt like he was in the shadows of his parents. But god forbid you ever tell Suyin that. Suyin and her perfect little family. Until you look under the facade and see how unperfect things actually are. But that's obviously all that Kuvira girl's fault. She's such a bad influence. AND HEY MAYBE SHE'S RIGHT!

After all, Kuvira is the one that takes the most after Suyin.”

#;ooc #;aeneas rants about su.yin #i decided i should give myself a tag #considering how often i do this #oh boy i really hope this doesn't show up anywhere near her tags

12 notes · View notes

unproduciblesmackdown · 5 years ago

Text

thinking about jared kleinman hating himself and not being able to directly express affection for evan and totally being in love with him but even less able to directly express that, not only just because of the terrible communication of every single character but also because jared probably is assuming he’d be rejected by evan if he let on how he really feels / would find out that evan doesn’t feel similarly towards him.......knowing about evan’s supposedly hetero crush for however long evan’s been telling him about it...........having evan value this nonexistent friendship more than his actual relationship with jared and shutting jared out when jared’s trying to get closer............seeing evan try to believe his relationship with zoe could work and be Real and the fact that the scene which cements that Jared Is Upset With Evan starts off with jared inviting evan to come over and drink and ends with jared leaving after seeing zoe come over and kiss evan...................the fact that the good for you argument Arguably would seem to convey to jared that evan really doesn’t genuinely care about him on any level.............that jared is this kid already doing badly too at the start of everything and then he gets his Deep Insecurities(tm) confirmed and his crush kind of discards him even before gfy but then gfy is jared’s last ditch effort to change things by doing his best to get as close to directly addressing his issues as he can and the guy who he’s totally in love with and who’s his only friend only like, doubles and triples down on discarding jared..........

the fact that anyone interprets jared getting lashed out at in that scene as just like, some form of equilibrium in that this is just his comeuppance for Being A Bad Friend b/c that’s totally all his character is, is The Bad Friend.........it amazes me.......like jared wasn’t the one always approaching evan from the start, literally, evan doesn’t seek jared out, jared walks up to evan to talk with him......jared trying to take the chance to involve himself in evan’s life by offering up his computer skills, b/c speaking of equilibrium evan is jared’s only friend just the same as jared is evan’s only friend and thus every bit of evan’s loneliness must also be present in jared..........jared doing everything he does just for evan’s sake and to back him up and even when tcp starts up which isn’t just evan doing what he has to to get through this scrape anymore but is about trying to add on to the situation and build something entirely out of his own lies for the sake of what evan thinks can be good about said lies and jared backs him on this too and at the start of act 2 we see him still doing emails, offering to be more involved in tcp...........even after being pushed away jared’s still trying to follow evan and trying to be closer to him b/c when he’s making the rosh hashanah invitation he’s already got most of the bitterness he brings into gfy but he’s setting that aside and reaching out..............jared modifies “friends” to “family friends” and deflects the implication of having any Real attachment to evan and people are like “wow how cruel he’s the worst” but later on we learn that apparently prior to that evan was indirectly calling jared Not A Friend if he was spending junior year saying that he has no friends and even later on than that evan tells us that he knows he’s jared’s only friend so it’s not that evan truly internally believed that jared didn’t consider him a friend, it’s just that evan wasn’t satisfied with jared’s friendship, which frankly would’ve been true even if jared Had been better at being the kind of For Forever-y friend evan apparently wanted (see: my Hit Argument “jared kleinman and michael mell have such similar roles you fools”) and it’s fine evan isn’t thrilled with jared’s failure to directly verbalize any affection and attempts to hold him at arm’s length (which, my god, the hand on the shoulder during the “we’re family friends” bit.....not only is it gay, it’s...a visual metaphor??) but what evan does in gfy is not like, just the fair and just reaction to jared’s failures......it’s the same as it was with alana just before......evan implies that alana doesn’t genuinely care about the nature of what they’re doing with tcp, and he doesn’t say it because it’s true, he says it because if it WAS true, he wouldn’t have to be the one in the wrong because at least he does care about the potential good tcp can do. and when evan lashes out at jared it’s because he can’t handle feeling like he’s in the wrong right now and he’s been shutting jared out and so now he’s just doing what he can to shut down everything jared’s saying just because in this moment evan is having this crisis where he’s In It deeper than ever and it’s about to fall apart and he needs to believe he’s definitely been in the right but all the ways he’s been neglecting and resenting the people who are Really in his life but on the wrong side of the divide between “my world of lies” and “the fantasy world in which i’m playing a part born of my world of lies and i’m trying to believe that i can stay here and it can be genuine because IF this had all been true it would be totally fine right”

like we’re obviously not meant to think jared’s a great friend, obviously we’re meant to know evan’s not happy with jared’s friendship, but jared doesn’t ever do to evan what evan does to jared in gfy.........evan’s not dealing out harsh truths, he’s just trying to lie to himself harder than ever in this last ditch effort and also convince himself he’s justified in and capable of leaving his reality-based life behind and pretend he’s impervious to what everyone’s dealing at him in gfy..........we know heidi and alana and jared are flawed and that none of their relationships with evan are perfect and evan hasn’t been happy with these relationships but that doesn’t mean the gfy scene is about how evan is just finally fairly giving them what they all deserve. he’s not telling the truth, he’s just lashing out at them to protect himself from the truth. he basically tells jared that he has to help evan yet has no right to be acknowledged as a friend even though evan knows jared does consider him a friend...........like, what kind of messed up message is that to throw at someone? and he’s not doing it because he’s fed up with jared in any overarching way, he’s doing it because jared’s fed up with how evan’s been treating him recently and evan can’t deal with that conflict right now. evan cutting down jared’s version of saying “you should remember i’m your friend” with “no, and i know i’m your only friend so you don’t have any other options either, and instead of the stuff you did to help me with the emails and tcp being reason to remember you’re my friend, it’s just reason you have to continue to help me with that stuff because you’re just complicit” is like........truly giving him the message that he doesn’t care about jared in any capacity, and that’s in no way equivalent to or the natural consequence of jared saying “yeah we’re friends but only because our moms are friends” or teasing evan at any point or failing to be especially supportive.............neither jared nor evan are supposed to be amazing friends to each other and evan is definitely not supposed to be this beacon of purity, and if anything what jared says about stuff is always meant to be these perceptions that are more accurate re: reality than the stuff evan says is.........everyone who reacts to canon as “evan had pure motivations at all times and was a perfect, unselfish, doesn’t-even-think-things-that-aren’t-nice soul from the very beginning; meanwhile jared was a jerk who likes to be mean and doesn’t appreciate how perfect evan is and doesn’t deserve him and when evan is mean to him it’s because it’s the harsh truth that jared has earned” is wild and so wrong in so many ways

like, all the seniors are so similar, evan only has jared as his friend, jared only has evan as his friend, evan is deeply unhappy and in a bad place at the start of the play, jared is deeply unhappy and in a bad place at the start of the play, evan is dealing with unrequited love, jared is dealing with unrequited love for someone he actually knows, evan hates himself, jared hates himself...................like, my essay comparing the sympathy given evan and the (lack of) sympathy given jared is forthcoming (also with the understanding that the sympathy often given evan is pretty much just as wrong, seeing as it’s not helpful to interpret the self-destructive traits resulting from anxiety as Pureheartedness)

like ugh jared is unhappy and lonely and is in love with evan and is afraid of loving evan because he hates himself and imo thinks that evan can’t love him back because evan is in love with someone for (i was going to say that evan is in love with someone for traits so unlike jared’s but actually it’s like....never really explained why evan actually likes zoe. what’s up with “if i could tell her” doing absolutely nothing to say why evan likes zoe in the first place; what’s up with “only us” doing absolutely nothing to say why zoe likes evan. either zoe/evan wishes it had what jeremy/christine has or we truly are meant to view the whole relationship as indisputably unfounded)......at least evan is in love with a girl and desperately going “no homo” at jared which, sure you could just think that evan might assume zoe would think it’s too weird to date her dead brother’s secret gay high school lover, but still, jared’s the one out here trying to come out to evan and telling him there is nothing unrealistic about the love that one man feels for another and it’s something quite beautiful, and evan is the one acting weird about it..........not exactly the kind of thing to inspire confidence to confess your secret gay high school crush. and sure jared can’t directly communicate his attachment to evan in words, but he communicates it in the things he does. and is it more Significant that jared doesn’t want to sign evan’s cast (which, the whole cast-signing exercise isn’t some objective Friendship Test anyways, it’s just serving the purpose of a Personal Worth Litmus from evan’s unvoiced perspective) or that jared goes to great lengths to back up evan’s lie for no personal benefit to himself other than feeling closer to evan, and that jared supports evan on tcp despite there definitely being no further personal benefit, and that jared keeps trying to remain close to evan through emails and trying to offer his help with tcp instead if that’s more relevant and trying to invite him over and feeling bitter that evan doesn’t want to give him the time of day anymore now that he’s got something new and not even real..........but he wouldn’t sign evan’s cast so none of that counts for anything and he deserves gfy then huh

like yeah evan doesn’t HAVE to consider jared a friend. but again it’s only convenient for evan himself to decide to invoke that during gfy and never prior. it would be fair if after the opening scene with jared evan decided “okay that proves that jared isn’t my friend” (or okay maybe not really “”fair”” because it doesn’t Actually prove that; it’s only by evan’s own standards of what friendship ~should~ look like that he considers his interaction with evan to be a Letdown, same as how he considers his interaction with alana to be a Letdown) but yeah he could decide not to consider jared a friend after that for whatever reason because he doesn’t really need a Valid Enough reason, if you don’t wanna be friends with someone you don’t have to be friends with them. but evan then is Repeatedly video calling jared to vent the wild shit going on with him and says he’s doing it because jared’s his only friend, which is understandable but it’s evan choosing to continue at least behaving like jared really is his friend whether or not he considers him to be one, and evan letting jared help with the emails for a Genuinely Nominal Fee is clearly a result of jared considering them to be friends in a way that just so happens to also be convenient to evan in this issue, and jared helping with tcp for no other reason than it’s what evan wants to do is jared considering them to be friends in a way that happens to be convenient to evan in that matter, and evan just assuming that jared will continue to provide emails and back tcp in perpetuity?? doesn’t line up with any idea that evan is truly considering them to be Not Friends and is behaving in a way that reflects that. everything jared does is in support of evan and the way jared is repaid is just by getting to be more closely involved with evan, but even before act 1 is over, even by sincerely me, evan is trying to leave jared behind, thus negating what motivates jared, yet is expecting jared to continue to help him despite sabotaging jared’s motivation for doing so.

like, evan is benefitting from jared’s desire to deepen their relationship, and it’s not that evan Has to consider himself closer to jared just because that’s what jared wants, but like.........he just doesn’t treat jared fairly. he can believe that $20 is enough compensation, he can believe that it’s none of his concern what’s motivating jared to write the emails and be involved in tcp, he Could plausibly be totally ignorant of the fact that jared was helping him because he considered evan to be his friend, and if that was the case he Could believe he’s innocent of taking advantage of that. and imo in good for you this is what evan’s kind of trying to pretend is true because if it WAS true then evan’s not in the wrong. and just like everything else, if it IS true, or at least if nobody knows it’s NOT true, it COULD be fine and possible for him to live out this fantasy where he’s this weird connor substitute but also....dating zoe....and leaving behind his imperfect mom and imperfect friends but not needing to feel guilty about it. he’s arguing with jared in gfy as if it’s true that evan wasn’t aware the whole time that jared was helping him because evan’s his only friend, as if jared was and should be helping only because the fact he chose to help in the first place means he’s in it as deep as evan. but evan WAS aware that jared was helping him for a reason, and that reason wasn’t $20. the whole time evan knew that jared was helping him b/c evan was his friend. and no evan didn’t Have to be a friend for jared in return b/c he never agreed that he should owe jared that, but evan Was knowingly benefitting from jared’s desire for evan to be his friend, and that’s undeniably messed up. and imo evan Knows This and feels conflicted and guilty about it and that’s why in gfy, when he’s trying to convince himself he can still be the good guy and none of these people who are angry at him are justified, he points out that jared would be alone without evan (reducing jared’s desire to be closer to evan as selfishness) and that jared would be in just as much shit as evan if the truth came out (also trying to force jared’s motivation to continue backing the lies into the frame of selfishness)...........like to argue that at that point evan is bein righteous b/c he Just Doesn’t Owe Jared Anything is at least acknowledging that evan’s basically been like....platonically Leading Jared On. if he had truly been ignorant that jared wanted to be his friend then it would still be a bit conveniently self-serving for him to be satisfied accepting jared’s help without knowing jared’s motivation for doing so........and if he had known that jared truly considered him a friend as he implies he knew all along then he Did take advantage of that by Again Conveniently allowing jared to operate under that assumption because it benefitted evan. if he stopped considering jared a friend then he shouldn’t have done that. it’s passive and at worst it’s lying by omission but it’s still not solely jared’s fault if he were trying to be friends with evan when evan didn’t want to be friends with him. evan was letting jared pursue this friendship because it helped him. if he didn’t want to be friends with jared, he should’ve tried to figure out why jared wanted to help him, and if he knew it was because jared Did want to be his friend, he should have refused that help. and evan Did know that it was because jared wanted evan to be his friend, but he didn’t refuse the help. tldr what i’m trying to say is that any way you look at it, it’s not that jared has some inalienable right to evan’s friendship, but jared Did have reason to feel he’d been played by evan, and evan knew that jared wanted evan’s friendship and if there was any justified time to pull the “you only want to be my friend because you have nobody else and so no, i don’t have to consider you or treat you like a friend” move, it was after (or before) jared’s first appearance and before evan videocalled jared to vent “because you’re my only (family) friend”

ugh like of course evan has Reasons he has grievances with heidi and alana and jared but gfy isn’t about evan being justified as it is about the other three being justified in their anger at evan, while evan is the one trying to justify himself. it’s not that evan is 100% In The Wrong in all ways in that scene but it’s like....definitely Peak Evan’s Wrongness. and reacting not by abandoning the lies but to double down on them b/c he thinks he truly can’t handle abandoning the lies is what dooms him to Words Fail. classic ev

UGH anyways it’s just that jared does get used and does get evan accusing him of having no real feelings in all of this and seeming to reject any of jared’s feelings for him in particular, and he loses his only friend, and he’s heartbroken, and evan lets him go but jared never stops keeping the truth a secret, and that’s just the last we get to know about him

like god......thinking about jared hating himself, and thinking about jared crying during good for you..................jesus christ

i mean, we only see things from evan’s perspective, and when jared disappears from evan’s literal or figurative field of vision, he disappears to the audience too. we don’t see jared at home in his bedroom, we don’t hear jared’s inner conflicts through solos, we just glimpse him through sincerely me and “if you only say the word from across the silence your voice is heard” and his gfy solo lines.......like, it’s so centered around evan that jared and alana irony of ironies do just ultimately Disappear..........how much is deh’s Final Form still haunted by the Untitled PPL Project origins where evan was presumably Our Sympathetic Hero and everyone else was dumbass cautionary-tale jerks worth our headshaking or tsks or contempt...........saying it wasn’t even until after the arena stage run that jared was given the Emotional Journey that extends into act 2..............like, the domination of evan’s perspective continues even though the other characters are fleshed out and sympathetic and all meant to be conflicted and flawed to fairly equal degrees. and that’s not necessarily Bad, especially for a main character with reason to be really caught up in his own head, but it certainly means that anyone who interprets evan’s perspective as Righteous and The Moral Standard within the material is going to negatively judge literally all the other characters as officially in the wrong, as they all end up at odds with evan at some point

it’s just like....people don’t afford jared the same assumption of interiority as they do evan. people assume that what’s on the surface, that the deflective nature of how jared communicates, is a true reflection of the whole of jared’s being. people act like the character is light and doesn’t carry real emotional weight and that “i know you think this is all a big joke” must be true, and that jared responds in increased frustration because.........he totally thinks it’s all a big joke. jared is so similar to evan, just like the other two seniors are, and jared only has one friend and we don’t even have evidence that evan consistently calls jared a friend, and all the evidence of the distance between jared and evan is evidence of jared’s isolation just as much as evan’s, but it’s like people just don’t think that has as much importance, because jared’s joking around about jerking off, he’s clearly fine!! if he only had one friend and Truly valued evan, the only way he could show that would be to prostrate himself before evan and weep upon seeing him!! acting like he doesn’t care about being close to evan because he’s totally so fine and confident and has so many friends should be taken at face value as true!

ugh like we sympathize with evan for being afraid of people, but jared is afraid of people too, but where evan is trying to protect himself by being as inoffensive and inobtrusive as possible, jared is trying to protect himself by acting like he just isn’t scared of anyone at all and can’t be hurt because he doesn’t care. and evan’s suffering is justifiably given recognition, but jared just gets ignored and dismissed as a jerk, despite suffering in the same way. we aren’t told that jared is diagnosed with an anxiety disorder or with anything else, and we aren’t ever told that jared ever tried to kill himself, but this isn’t because these kinds of things couldn’t possibly be relevant, but rather because we just aren’t told much about jared at all. we only learn about jared through jared, who mostly only interacts with evan and is never onstage without evan also being onstage, who deflects all the time, who never tells his parents anything true about himself. nobody really knew connor and evan feels like nobody really knows him and nobody seems to really know jared and we sure don’t have any evidence of anyone really knowing alana. and in the end jared is left with no friends at all and this fresh rejection and parents who he thinks have no idea that they don’t know anything true about him, and he was not doing well when he first appeared, and his whole journey was a desperate attempt to improve things, and it left him even worse off than when he started, and we see jared as this light jokey role reducible to “memes & rude”??

that’s at least less horrifying a reaction than reducing him to “a jerk who gets his comeuppance.” like, again, jared is a highschooler in an awful place at the start of the play, canonically so so similar to alana and evan and connor, and connor kills himself and we sympathize with how horribly evan is suffering and the seriousness of the suffering of anyone in similar situations..............and jared is one of those people, one of those teenagers tcp is supposed to address, he’s a 17 year-old who IS similarly suffering, and we interpret him as...just a jerk. someone who causes all his own problems because he’s not nice enough and who deserves what he gets in the course of events; someone who is so similar to evan but ends up feeling rejected by his only friend, betrayed by his own attempts to have a realer relationship and be closer to someone in a more genuine way, without any reason to believe he at least has the emotional support of his parents who don’t know anything about him..........and we just feel this is what he deserves because he teases evan too much and didn’t sign his cast and called them family friends.

and even the sympathy given evan is pretty messed up like i mentioned earlier because it’s REALLY not useful to interpret his anxiety as being Too Pure For This World. it’s not even who he really is - see: evan being himself around jared during sincerely me; aka not being at all quiet and polite and inobtrusive - see: evan clearly not being accurate when he tries to make a good impression on zoe by saying he doesn’t even think things that aren’t nice. evan doesn’t exhibit those anxious defensive behaviors because he Wants to, he acts that way because he’s scared of people and trying to avoid being hurt. saying that this is Pure And Soft is messed up and just reinforces some notion that evan needs to stay that way rather than be a happier person by learning how Not to feel like he always has to act nice and avoid any conflict and not speak up or stand up for himself. saying that these kinds of perspectives, when you’re scared of everyone and expecting to be hurt by the world for existing if you don’t protect yourself by trying to give people zero reason to take objection to anything you do or even notice you exist at all, is just Purity and Kindhearted Selflessness is really just a harmful concept. it says that people dealing with that should continue to suffer just as they are and that for their experience with this to improve would necessarily involve them becoming worse as people - meaner and more selfish and less deserving of sympathy.

meanwhile, jared’s way of reacting to his fear that he’s going to be hurt by anyone and everyone just for existing happens to be less appealing to people. evan tries to get through life by hoping nobody directs any attention to him, jared is trying to get through it by controlling the way people give him attention, by sending out a signal that also says “there’s no reason to mess with me,” except that instead of like how evan is trying to please and placate everyone, jared is trying to pretend he’s confident and doesn’t care and he’s trying to withhold access to his real emotions from absolutely everyone. he’s trying to deny his real desires even to himself and keep them buried and hidden, but these desires are so desperate that he can’t, because he’s trying to pretend he’s fine, but he’s really really really not. but he’s just a jerk because he makes fun of his friend and isn’t nice enough to evan within the parameters of what evan wants that to look like. jared’s whole motivation throughout the show is his being in love with evan, but people really are gonna believe that jared’s just doing everything because his sole driving force truly is “it’s all a joke haha”.......jared and alana both try to act fine and unaffected, and everyone just immediately accept that. when they have the slightest amount of conflict with evan or behave in ways that we as the audience know aren’t evan’s ideal hope for how they’d act, they’re jerks and/or bullying evan and pushing him around, because god knows where people get this idea that evan’s constantly completely passive and just gets pushed into the position he finds himself in by other people, but absolutely nothing in canon material supports that. jared and alana are the ones backing evan up during disappear, and they’re the ones who end up disappearing after that, and we just go “who? oh yeah those two. w/e they’re fine”

like, irl people really don’t know what it looks like when people aren’t nt, what it looks like when they’re affected by something traumatic, what it looks like when they’ve been isolated and left to deal with awful things on their own and are struggling and aren’t coping in ways that appeal to others and they just get painted as weird and unpleasant and generally bad. and really this real-world ignorance and these misconceptions are Emergent in how people react to reflections of these issues in media / through media analysis. pretty wild that connor and alana and jared can all be reduced to Jerks depending on who you ask!! even that evan sometimes gets called a jerk because someone has noticed that he’s struggling horribly AND he’s also not REALLY Pure And Goldenhearted And Selfless, so therefore he doesn’t Deserve to be sympathetic b/c he’s anxious and suicidal, since the only people who deserve sympathy for these uncomfortable and inconvenient things are people who are Otherwise Perfect and have earned being regarded as Unjustly Afflicted with these issues and worthy of our pity

when people have to struggle to navigate terrible stuff by themselves, they don’t always figure out the right way to do it by 17 years of age!!! none of the deh seniors are actually Good at coping with their lives yet! they’re all trying but they’re self-sabotaging and are really just isolated further by the ways they try to interact with others. they’re isolated and the ways they desperately try to deal with that just isolate them further. like, this shit is real. and the fact that people reacting to these experiences depicted via fictional teenagers is not heartening for how they might understand these kinds of experiences in like, actual life. the way jared acts Doesn’t indicate that he’s totally fine but people truly take it at face value and think jared isn’t affected by things and doesn’t have emotional depth and only cares about being funny and clever. jared keeps people at a distance and acts rude or uncaring as a way to protect himself because he’s scared of people’s ability to hurt him, not because he’s malicious and likes to hurt people’s feelings, but people really just think he’s an asshole who deserves to be hurt in return, because i guess even if he WAS just always trying to be an asshole for his own amusement, we absolutely want the treatment a highschooler receives to be “vengeance,” i guess. it’s just really messed up that not only do most people not have any idea what reactions to things like deep and pervasive fear and depression and stress and sadness and self-loathing actually look like, but so often when they unknowingly see it, if the manifestations come across as too Mean or Unpleasant or Annoying or Offputting, they think the person deserves to be punished and treated badly / with hostility and that you can speculate on how these traits must reflect the deficiencies of someone’s internal worth and the quality of their character.

like, idk, demeanor is really so so overrated as a measure of what someone’s really like. it’s so often misread but also given disproportionate weight as a reflection of who they really are. i think a fair amount about these two segments i heard: one about Triage where a doctor talks about these two patients and one was very warm and friendly and everyone loved her and one was less pleasant and standoffish, and when the former was having respiratory problems when oxygen was strictly rationed, the attendees considered breaking the rules to give her oxygen (which in the end wasn’t necessary, it cleared up without it) and the doctor was wondering if they’d have been moved to consider that for the less popular patient as well. and the second story where Professional Scientists got to go on the plane that flies in parabolas so that when its at the peak of the arc you experience weightlessness, and you get to go on the plane because you’re doing serious experiments and everything you bring on board has to pass inspection and be justified as Necessary and everything is very planned out and you can’t fool around and you have to conduct all your experiments and the point is it’s all very serious - and the guy was talking about how they all get on the plane taking it very seriously and prepared to conduct theyir serious experiments, but when the first moment of weightlessness came everybody was laughing and clearly having a blast, and had that reaction pretty much each time. but they also stuck to the plan and conducted their serious experiments. and the idea was that “taking things seriously” doesn’t require a solemn demeanor, wipe that smile off your face. and i’m annoyed with the Frequent but unfounded trope in fics where jared communicates things in a humorous way pretty much all the time like in canon but then the fact that he’s still being dryly humorous in a ~serious moment~ leads to him being admonished because he won’t Be Serious or Take This Seriously.

i’m also annoyed with the frequent, unfounded fic trope where jared gets the “jared, you ignorant slut” treatment b/c he has never known True Pain and only evan and connor Get It and jared’s just some nt asshole who truly thinks everything’s a joke, alana generally also does not know sadness either of course

like relevantly enough, though i relate to jared more, in terms of how i react to Issues i guess i’m kind of most like evan (and a bit like alana i guess), and back in the day when i was earlier along in the process of dragging myself out of the depths of self-loathing (pretty singlehandedly though i wasn’t totally isolated from anyone supportive, which is always helpful) i sort of had this “joke” about it that i was learning how to become meaner lol.............because the ~selfless~ and Nice and Pleasant thing was obviously to think you deserve the worse and should accept whatever terrible treatment you get as Also Deserved and should keep your head down and in every interaction should be as pleasant and nice and convenient and inobtrusive as possible. i pushed myself to believe that i at least didn’t deserve to be suicidal through being contrarian and “mean” and embracing that i didn’t have to care if anyone disagreed. even thinking about the concept that i deserved to stand up for myself was like, Being Mean lol.......thinking about ways in which my experiences dealing with other people made me miserable sometimes finally started to make more sense when i looked at it through a lens of “maybe i wasn’t always getting amazing treatment from everyone ever”..........thinking about my own perspective having as much inherent validity as anyone else’s was like, the undeserved entitlement of it all, lol......like i definitely thought of it and talked about it all as Being Meaner, and i was being humorous, but also not really in an Absurd way b/c i knew and i know that people really do think that like, self-flagellation and only deserving to ascend out of self-hatred if someone else notices you’re experiencing that and deems you worthy of redemption and generally reacting to pain by being a sweet innocent lamb who is utterly bemused by everything All Equals being Nice and Lovely and Worthy Of Pity. and that if you’re not that lamb and you’re not initially pleasant and you’re offputting because you don’t expect other people to treat you well then like, other people aren’t going to treat you well and they’re going to write you off and dismiss you or change how they react to you versus how they react to someone who they think Acts Better and thus Is better............people will see types of behavior that indicate someone is suffering and they’ll either go “wow so kind and pure and not worthy of attention b/c their behavior is inoffensive and they avoid attention anyways and don’t get in the way” or “this person is terrible and they can’t possibly deserve sympathy or a second thought about their inner world because this is proof they don’t have one or it’s Bad and so i’ll either want to punish or ignore them”

this isn’t my first rodeo of “teenage character clearly needs help and people don’t notice this at all and/or inaccurately judges their intentions and motivations and writes them off as a jerk” and the consistency in this kind of Interpretation is always so heartening, really

and don’t even get me started on people calling jared “abusive” or even implying it....not my first rodeo on this either.....but, first of all, same as above, people REALLY don’t know what it Actually looks like when someone’s experienced abuse, and the fact that there’s this tendency irl (and in the emergent reflection of these misconceptions in reaction to / analysis of media) to interpret qualities and experiences and tendencies that are associated with having gone through abuse as people being weird / jerkish / annoying / exhausting etc is.....great. and while i could just say “jared is not abusive and never try to argue that he is” and leave it at that, a real quick example of some observances of why this is the case: jared doesn’t try to control evan. he doesn’t try to undermine evan’s decisions. he doesn’t undermine evan’s emotions. when jared’s unhappy with evan, he’s not trying to force evan to do what he wants, he’s trying to change His Own behavior to get what he wants. when he fights with evan, it’s a back and forth. evan isn’t afraid or even hesitant to argue with jared at any point, and even asserts himself over jared sometimes (whereas jared truly never asserts himself over anyone and avoids real, direct conflict whenever he can). when jared feels rejected and is completely upset with evan in gfy, he just leaves and we’re never told he tries to interact with evan again. look at how they confront each other, whether in gfy or sincerely me. look at how jared tries to get what he wants, and look at how he reacts when he doesn’t get it. he doesn’t try to control what evan can do or demand irrefutable power in any and every situation which he’ll back up with retribution...........evan and jared’s relationship is obviously not in its ideal state and this is coming from both ends. they way they treat each other isn’t always fair and kind and considerate, but it has nothing in the least to do with abuse, even if you think they’re conclusively bad for each other. it’s genuinely harmful to misuse the word abuse and create misinformation about it by doing so, and speaking of taking things seriously: stop doing this. don’t talk definitively about it even in passing if you don’t know what you’re talking about, take it seriously. don’t just try to bolster the authority of your opinion by being all “i’m over here with real criticisms like ‘this is abusive’ while everyone else is faffing around just saying ‘it’s not great, it’s not the healthiest’ like an idiot.” genuinely stop it

ugh....

well anyways i guess i don’t have to Get Around to finally writing that “comparing the way jared and evan are afforded sympathy” essay because this is about as close as i’ll get to it. god i hope i didn’t leave out any major obvious points

tl;dr *thinks about jared crying during good for you*

#long post //////#deh #kleinsen #everything is about kleinsen always #because that's all deh really is #jared is in love with evan and That's What Happens

111 notes · View notes

admiralty-xfd · 5 years ago

Text

Culmination

This is chapter three. To go back to the beginning, click here.

AFFIRMATION

SCULLY

(Never Again/ Memento Mori/ Small Potatoes)

“Not everything is about you, Mulder. This is my life.”

“Yes, but it’s…”

She’s been thinking about this unfinished sentence a lot. The silence that followed, the distance they felt as they sat across from each other, thinking so much but saying nothing. Mulder’s desk situated between them like a huge mahogany metaphor for this particular bump in their road.

For the first time, it felt like they were in a real fight. The things they’d said to each other had hurt, but worse than that is the quiet resentment she now knows they’re both feeling. This inability to communicate about the things that really matter only adds to her frustration.

Two steps forwards and three steps back. It’s exhausting and disheartening to feel this way right now. She can’t help but wonder if she should be in a very different place in her life. Her friends are getting married, having kids, doing… normal things. Things she assumed she’d probably be doing by now. Things she thought she really wanted to do. Even the people she considers friends are so distant to her now. Mulder has taken up every inch of available space in her life. This can’t be healthy, can it?

But she’s still here with him. She’s connected to him in a way she’s afraid to examine too thoroughly. Their partnership has become personal to them both, and she’s only starting to truly realize the implications of that; the consequences of that.

His behavior towards her the morning before she left for the Pudovkin case in Philadelphia was aberrant. She’s having trouble explaining it, or justifying it. Maybe he was upset that she’d tuned out the evening before while he was questioning a witness. Or maybe he was annoyed about having to use his vacation time; idleness in any form is a peculiar brand of torture for him.

In any event, his bad mood combined with her disgruntlement has pushed them both to a breaking point. Without even realizing what he’d done, he had cut her to the quick with his flippant attitude about something very important to her, to how she views their partnership. He’s always treated her as an equal, always. And his dismissal of something as seemingly trivial as a desk only augments its significance in her mind.

It isn’t about the desk. It was never about the desk.

Four years into their partnership and she honestly can’t recall feeling this angry at him before. It surprises her. She doesn’t like it.

She’s well aware that she hurt Mulder, too, though. She hadn’t meant to but she’d trivialized his life’s pursuit, and made him think she didn’t care when she does... of course she does. She wouldn’t be be here if she didn’t. And she truly believes he knows that, regardless of what was said between them.

So why was he so upset? Why had he been so unkind after she’d returned from doing his bidding, as always? It wasn’t like him. She still can’t make sense of it.

She’s convinced it can’t be because of Ed Jerse. Mulder has never shown any interest in her pursuing a social life other than to mock her for it. If she’s being completely honest, that very mockery is what led her to call Ed in the first place.

It was ill advised, the entire thing, but how the hell was she supposed to know Ed Jerse would turn out to be a psychopath? The frustration she was feeling had to express itself somehow and a mysterious handsome stranger seemed like the right outlet. He was nice. She found him attractive. They’d had a good conversation, a good connection. And quite frankly, she needed what he’d given her. It had been so long since she’d felt a man’s body beneath her, everything that followed had almost been worth it.

Almost.

What had she been thinking? One night stands aren’t her. Getting tattoos with men she just met isn’t her. She’s having trouble admitting to herself she slept with Ed Jerse because she was angry with Mulder. It didn’t feel that way while it was happening. But she did. She knows this now, she just doesn’t quite know what it means. It was being thirteen and sneaking out of the house to smoke her mother’s cigarettes all over again.

Maybe she really did want Mulder to find out. Maybe she wanted to find out what he’d do.

Being acknowledged by him and feeling like her work has meaning isn’t something she thought she’d have to work so hard to obtain at this juncture. It’s the first time in their partnership she’s felt devalued in such a way. It frustrates her to no end that she has to throw that concern in now with all her other concerns.

Chiefly, the very real concern that she’s dying.

Ever since she’d learned that the MUFON women in Allentown were all dying of cancer as a result of their abductions, she feared it may be a possibility for her. But as every day passed, she grew more and more hopeful that maybe her fears had been unfounded.

Now that she knows the truth, she dreads telling Mulder. The last thing she wants is to feel even less like an equal, to feel like someone fragile to be cared for or pitied. Just one more reason he needs to protect her.

As the phone rings, she realizes she picked up and dialed his number without even rehearsing what she’s going to say. Also, she forgot for a moment they are still kind of in a fight.

She idly wonders how someone can rely so heavily on another person and still feel so fucking lonely all the time.

“Hey, Scully,” he answers. He sounds apprehensive. She hopes that’s a good sign and not a bad one.

“Hi.” Suddenly she has no earthly idea how to proceed. “Um.”

“Before you say anything, can I say something first?”

“Okay.” She’d rather not be having this conversation at all, so she’s glad to delay it even for a moment.

“I just want to say I’m sorry for being such an ass the other day. Especially considering what you went through, it was insensitive and wrong of me. It’s none of my business what you do on your own personal time. I don’t know… I don’t know why I acted that way and I’m sorry.”

Wow.

“I appreciate that, Mulder.”

“Also, I… I didn’t really hear you when you were talking about the desk. I mean, I heard you, but I didn’t hear you. I’ve thought about it and you’re right. There’s no reason you shouldn’t have your own desk. I put a request into HR to get you one. We’ll figure out where to put it next week.”

Jesus. This is completely unexpected.

“I hope you know that having you here isn’t just something I tolerate, Scully. You’re not just a box to be checked. I want you to be here. I just… I hope you know that, is all.”

Weirdly, this fight feels so unimportant now. She doesn’t need the desk. She just needed to hear him say that.

“Mulder, thank you. And I hope you know it was never really about the desk.”

“I do know. I know that now, believe me.”

“Then cancel the request, okay? I don’t need it. I hate Battleship anyway.” She smiles and hears him laugh on the other end.

“You sure?”

“I’m sure. And thanks again. Thank you for hearing me.”

“Of course. I always try to hear you, Scully.”

She knows, but she’s glad he said it. Maybe there’s hope for their communication skills after all. “I… I actually called because I have something I need to tell you, and it’s not good.”

“What is it?” His concern is evident.

“Can you meet me right now?”

“Yeah, of course. Are you at home?”

“Actually I’m at Holy Cross Memorial.”

“Are you okay?”

“I’ll tell you when you get here. Meet me at oncology.”

“I’m on my way.”

She hangs up the phone and looks up at her brain scans, displayed on the wall like some macabre art exhibit. A proclamation of death demurred.

She called Mulder before she even called her mother. It had been automatic, like a nerve sending a signal to the brain that she has no control over. Somehow he’s a part of her, like a phantom limb she will always feel. This knowledge scares her, it gives her pause. She’s never been so dependent on another person in her entire adult life.

It’s always been hard for her to let people in, even the ones who are closest to her. She’s always looked out for herself, been tough, independent. It’s probably what attracted her to the FBI in the first place.

This feeling of powerlessness is strange territory for her. She’s well aware of Mulder’s proclivity to protect her, but she fears it now. This time it feels different. She’s vulnerable now, in more ways than one. It’s not his fault, either. It’s just who he is.

How is she going to tell Mulder she will someday have to give up on him? That they won’t be able to continue this journey together? How will she admit defeat, failure? And at what point will her body decide to give up on her, to give up on both of them?

She knows now, more than ever before, his life’s work is her own. His life is her own. They are in this together, forever entwined. Maybe that’s what he was trying to communicate to her before, in their office. Maybe he’s already come to that realization. It took a cancer diagnosis to wake her up.

“Not everything is about you, Mulder. This is my life.”

“Yes, but it’s…”

She knows now.

“...It’s my life, too.”

***

They’re sitting in her apartment on the couch, a fire roaring, soft music playing, wine glasses in hand. It’s not a scenario she ever thought they’d be in together. Incredibly, something has happened. He’s made an effort to get to know her more socially and it’s confusing and exciting and a little scary.

“I’m seeing a whole new side of you, Mulder,” she says as she sips the wine. It’s not great wine. She’s not surprised. But with Mulder, it’s the thought that counts.

“Is that a good thing?” he asks. She looks at him, the contours of his chest visible through his gray T-shirt. She doesn’t get to see him much outside a suit and tie. The way it’s distracting her right now makes her a bit grateful for that fact. Just a little bit.

“I like it,” she confesses.

She does like it. This isn’t the kind of attention she’s used to getting from him. There’s no pretense to be in her apartment, no new autopsy notes to go over, no paranormal theories to discuss, no arguments over what to believe or not believe. Just two friends hanging out.

With wine. And music. And a fire. And thoughts about how he looks in his T shirt that are decidedly unfriendly.

“Do you ever wish you could go back and do it all differently?” Mulder’s voice is unusual, hushed. She’s not used to him talking to her like this. It’s sexy. God help her, his voice is so sexy.

“Do you?”

His nod is barely perceptible but she sees it. As he shifts closer to her on the couch she knows exactly what he’s doing and she feels a rising panic inside her. Suddenly all the fears and doubts that have kept her from thinking about this very moment are real, and in her face.

Oh god. What is he doing?

As he inches closer and closer to her lips, her mind goes through a roller coaster of emotions.

Her first impulse is to tell him “no” but then her brain loses all control to the other parts of her body that just want him to kiss her, now.

They are mere inches apart when her apartment door bursts open and there is Mulder, again, looking disheveled and confused. She looks at one Mulder, then the other. She barely has time to register what’s going on but everything suddenly and disappointingly makes sense. Thoroughly grossed out, she pushes Eddie Van BlundHt off her and moves away. The real Mulder’s face is inscrutable.

Everything comes to fruition in her mind in an instant. Maybe knowing she’s dying brings clarity she hadn’t had before. Maybe it’s the wine she’s been drinking all evening. Or maybe it’s the hard fucking evidence that she was only just half a second away from pulling his mouth to hers and letting him take her right there on her couch.

Whatever the reason, she can’t deny it anymore, she knows the truth.

She’s in love with Mulder.

Not the kind of love she’s always felt for him; the kind of love a best friend feels, or a partner, or a confidant. No... the kind of love that overwhelms her senses and reaches deep, deep down to every single part of her. The kind of love she’s been waiting her entire life for.

It’s difficult to believe she hasn’t realized it before now, but she’s actively worked so hard not to fall for him that the opposite actually happening never concerned her. She’s kept herself so closed off for so long, it’s become difficult to see things that are staring her right in the face.

The disappointment she feels at this turn of events is painfully evident. She knows it wasn’t really Mulder saying any of those things to her, but what she knows now is how much she wanted it to be. She wanted him to be saying those things. She wanted it to be him, wanting to kiss her. She knows it.

And now she’s completely fucked.

Besides the fact that she has no idea how to convey any of this to him, she’s dying. If she tells him she’s in love with him, she’s dying. If she doesn’t tell him, she’s still dying. She doesn’t know what to do.

Not telling him is easier. She thinks she’ll stick with that.

After the police arrive and escort Mr Van BlundHt back to jail, Scully starts cleaning up the wine glasses. This isn’t like the Ed Jerse situation; it’s much worse, because she feels like Mulder now knows something about her that she doesn’t know about him. Her walls have started to come down in front of him and she doesn’t like that feeling.

Thankfully, the embarrassment isn’t solely hers; as Mulder lingers near the doorway he can’t look her in the face. She secretly hopes he just leaves so she won’t have to explain herself.

“Do you think he could have drugged the wine?” Mulder asks.

She had opened and poured it herself. She knows this isn’t the case. But he doesn’t know that.

“Maybe.”

He nods and turns to leave. They won’t talk about it again.

MULDER

(Redux II/ Emily)

He races to the hospital as fast as humanly possible. He can’t believe what she’s told him, he has to see her for himself.

Remission. She’s going to be okay. She’s going to live.

The pain he’d felt last night at her bedside was so intense he’d been utterly lost. He couldn’t fathom what he would do, how he could possibly move forward without her by his side. He can’t remember another time in his entire life he’d felt so alone. And he knows from lonely.

He’d actually considered joining forces with the cancer man, for fuck’s sake.

Oddly enough, that very consideration has got him thinking. When it comes right down to it, Mulder would give just about anything to save Scully’s life. He’s realizing protecting her has become his highest priority and he doesn’t know how to feel about that.

Solitude has been a comfort to him over the years. If he doesn’t get too close to someone, he doesn’t have to risk losing them. He’s remained focused, determined, undeterred in his quest. He hasn’t had to worry about distractions.

After the Diana fiasco, he made a conscious decision not to pursue any romantic entanglements that might distract him from his mission. It wasn’t for lack of desire or interest, just a lack of availability. He knew he’d be unable to give someone the time and energy required to maintain any kind of healthy relationship while remaining focused on his work.

He hadn’t counted on Scully showing up in his life and blowing that plan to pieces. The way their lives have become intertwined was something he could never have anticipated. Although proud of himself for keeping things between them mostly professional over the years, he’d be a fool to deny what he knows now is the truth: there is no other person he’d rather be with than her: professionally, intellectually, romantically, sexually, all of the above. He simply can’t imagine another scenario.

If that’s what love is, then that’s what he’s found. In spite of everything, even though he hasn’t been looking for it, somehow he’s found it here, on this godforsaken planet, in her.

He thinks it might be possible she loves him, too. But he doesn’t think it’s possible he will ever feel worthy of her.

He knocks and slowly peeks into her hospital room. “Scully?”

She’s laying on her side but she’s not asleep. He inches tentatively into the room, searching her eyes. She sits up and reaches for him. There are no words either of them need to say.

He goes to her and sits on the bed, wrapping his arms around her. His smile is so enormous he worries it might jump off his face and go flying around the room. He can hear her sniffling as she grips the back of his jacket, and one of her hands moves to the nape of his neck, fingers spreading into his hair. His body tenses. How does she know to do that, how much he likes that? Does she even know or is it completely unconscious?

He wishes they were something they aren’t, so he could kiss her. God, he just wants to kiss her. Why can’t he do that? It’s never the right time. Why can’t it just be the right time?

He knows that’s not the main reason. He knows the real reason: he’s afraid.

“I can’t believe it, Mulder. I really can’t.”

He doesn’t plan to let her go for a long time, so they just stay that way, holding onto each other.

“I’m so relieved, Scully. Do the doctors know what turned it around?”

“None of them can say for sure, but I’m never removing this goddamn chip again just in case.”

He laughs, and breathes her in. Considering she’s been stuck in the hospital for several days he’s amazed at how great her hair smells.

After an indeterminate amount of time, he hears the door open behind him, but he can’t see who it is from his vantage point. He soon realizes that the Scully family has arrived.

He releases her and turns around, finding Mrs. Scully’s eyes flooded with tears. He tries to avoid Bill Jr’s stare, but can feel it just the same. He wants to cut the guy a little slack. He loves his sister and is just looking out for her, much like himself.

He thinks of Samantha. He can relate.

“Oh, Dana!” her mother cries and runs to the bedside. Mulder starts to slide off the bed but Maggie envelops him into a three-way hug, and he returns it. He may not be Maggie’s family, but she is well aware he is her daughter’s.

“Fox, thank you for being here.”

Mulder smiles at Scully’s mother. He’s always liked her, liked how easy and welcoming she’s been with him over the years. In a way he envies the relationship she has with her daughter; his own mother hasn’t very often been the same reliable source of comfort and support for him over the years. Maggie has never questioned or doubted the devotion he and Scully share, and he feels grateful for that.

“I’ll be in the hall, Scully. You take your time with your family.” He takes her hand and kisses it, aware that Maggie is watching the two of them very closely.

As he gets up to leave, he and Bill Jr share a nod. He and this guy may never like each other, but in this moment they can push those feelings aside and acknowledge the relief and happiness they both feel.

Mulder extends his hand, tries to be companionable. As Bill takes it, he looks Mulder in the eye. “I’m glad you’re here for her.”

“I wouldn’t be anywhere else right now,” Mulder retorts. Their grasp tightens, then releases. It’s all he can say in this moment, all he feels comfortable saying. He hopes it’s enough for this guy to stop hating him.

He closes the door behind him and sits on a chair in the hospital hallway, where he waits. He will wait for the right moment to kiss her. He will wait for the right moment to tell her what she means to him. Waiting will become one of his new crusades.

For now, he will wait here for her until she needs him again. It’s where he belongs.

***

The car ride home from Emily’s wake has been quiet. He wants to talk to Scully, he’s just not sure how, or even about what.

It’s drizzling outside, both his hands are on the steering wheel. She’s turned away from him, looking out the window. Every once in awhile he hears a soft sniffle.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

She won’t turn to face him. “I wouldn’t even know where to start.”

He wants to be there for her, even if she thinks she doesn’t need him. He reaches out a hand to take hers, and she lets him. “If it’s any consolation, you did the right thing, Scully. Her suffering is over.”

“I know it is. I’m not feeling guilt, or regret, or anything like that. I know I made the best choice for her.”

“Then… are you okay?”

“It’s just... so unfair. So needlessly cruel, for God to bring a child into this world and allow her to suffer that way.”

He sighs. “I know this won’t help, but if you think that way, you have to concede that God lets this happen to multitudes of other children, every single day. We cannot save them all, Scully. All we can do is the best we can. That’s why we do the work we do.”

She squeezes his hand, knows he’s right.

“You need to keep telling yourself that, Scully. We are doing the best we can.”

“Maybe I’m just being selfish. Because I know you’re right. But I can only think of myself right now, and why this happened. I should never have even known Emily existed. But if I hadn’t, she may have suffered even more. I’m not sure how to feel. It’s almost as if… as if I shared in her suffering. As if she gave it over to me when she died. And now I’m suffering.” She pauses, considers this. “Maybe that’s what being a parent is.”

“Do you wish you’d never known about her?”

“No. She was my daughter, nothing can change that. I’ll always be glad I got to know her, even for those short precious moments. To see myself reflected back to me in a child… it’s something I never thought I’d get to see.”

He can’t help but feel a pang for her, for the loss of something she’d longed for. Not Emily specifically, but the chance to be a mother. It was stolen from her in her prime, and for no other reason than she had gotten tangled up with him and his mission. She may not feel guilt, but he certainly does.

“Emily wasn’t meant to be, Scully. The men who created her didn’t do it so you could know her, and love her. But you did, you got to love her, and as sad as this all is, that’s something worth holding on to.”

Scully turns in her seat, regards him thoughtfully. “Do you want to have kids someday?”

He glances sidelong at her, with a small smile.

She quickly explains. “I mean… I just mean, you know, in general. Is that something you ever think about?”

“I don’t know, honestly. I’m not opposed to the idea, but maybe I’m just jaded. It’s not a future I necessarily picture.”

As soon as the words escape his mouth he finds himself reconsidering. It’s not that being a parent is something he doesn’t want, it just hasn’t been a priority. But now that he’s openly said it’s a future he doesn’t think about, he can’t help but think about it.

Maybe he’s subconsciously written off the idea of having children because he knows Scully can’t have them. The thought burrows its way into his heart and he can’t shake it. Any kid he had the presence of mind to imagine has always been, in his heart, half his and half hers.

It’s silly; they aren’t even in a relationship. He loves her and he knows it, but this isn’t a conversation he can have with her right now. Just because he sees his future with her, it doesn’t change the fact that they’re sitting in this car together having never even kissed. It doesn’t change the fact that her heart is currently broken by the death of a child that should never have existed. A child that was created using her stolen ova, ova he knew about and never had the heart to tell her.

The two of them have issues that no couple, romantic or not, should ever have to deal with.

He remembers beating the shit out of Emily’s physician the other day. How his devotion to Scully had come pouring out of him in violence. The guy had deserved it, but it took him off guard. The anger and desperation he’d felt in that moment was something even he hadn’t been prepared to feel.

“Where do you think they took her?” Scully fingers the gold cross around her neck thoughtfully. “Some cold facility somewhere? Is she being picked apart as we sit here? Cut open? Researched? Or has she just been destroyed?”

Mulder shakes his head. “Don’t do that to yourself.”

“You knew she’d be gone. I should have suspected. After everything we’ve been through, Mulder. Why couldn’t I see that coming?”

He sighs. “You have an optimism I haven’t had in awhile. When I was in violent crime I saw so many horrible things, all the time. It does something to you, Scully. It takes away your hope. It chips away at your faith in humanity. I don’t often meet people who help renew that faith. Maybe it’s why I’m always out looking for aliens.”

“But I wouldn’t consider you a person without hope. Far from it.”

“Maybe since you’ve been around, things have been better. What can I say, Scully? You bring out the best in me.”

She can’t help but smile at him. He squeezes her hand and adjusts his fingers to interlock with hers.

“I don’t say this often enough, but I think you’re amazing, Scully.”

“You do?” She sounds touched.

“I do. It’s not easy doing what we do every day. You take a lot of crap for it, too. From your family, from others at work. In the face of all our dead ends, everything that’s happened to you, and all the terrible stuff we see. You keep on going. I think that’s amazing.”

“That’s nice of you to say, Mulder," she sighs. "But I don’t feel that way all the time. To be honest, on days like today all I want to do is give up.”

They drive in silence for a bit, the rain picking up a bit, the windshield wipers working harder.

“You don’t give yourself enough credit.”

“You know, you don’t have to do this, Mulder. I’ll be fine. I don’t need you to make me feel better.”

“I’m not," he insists. "I’m just being honest with you. You put all of yourself into this job even when you probably shouldn’t. You always defend me even when I don’t deserve it. I don’t know how I got lucky enough to get stuck with you, Scully.”

“Stuck with me?” She raises an eyebrow, smiling.

“You know what I mean. If it had been anyone else sent downstairs to work with me I’d be out of a job by now. Or even dead.”

He can feel her gaze on him. He loves it and is unsettled by it all at once.

“I don’t think I could ask for a better partner, Scully. I’m thankful for you every day. I should tell you that more often.”

She looks down at their entwined fingers. He briefly glances down too, and for a moment he can’t tell which fingers are his and which are hers. She slowly traces circles with her thumb near his wrist, right at his pulse point. The gesture is romantic, sensual. He doesn’t want to read too much into exactly how much he’s enjoying it.

“I’m glad you’re my partner too, Mulder. Even though you’re stuck with me. I’m happy to be here.”

He pulls the rental car into Bill Scully Jr’s driveway and turns off the ignition. The car goes silent and they sit together for a moment, the rain pattering on the windows the only sound. She’s still doing the thing with her thumb and he wonders if she’s aware of the power she has over him, or if she’s completely oblivious to it. They look at each other, really look into each other’s eyes for the first time since they left the church, and he briefly considers going for it. He could lean in right now, here in her brother’s driveway, and change everything forever.

Before he makes a decision, she speaks and the moment passes.

“Are you coming in? Or do you have to catch your flight home?” She says it quietly and he can tell she wants him to stay.

He doesn’t really want to endure Bill Jr’s unpleasantness, but his flight isn’t for a few hours, and something deep inside is compelling him to stay with her. Besides, after all Scully has gone through this week, the least he can do for her is put up with her asshole brother for a couple hours.

“I’m coming with you.” He can’t help himself and pulls her hand to his lips to kiss it. He knows, truly knows he’s in deep. The only thing more real to him right now than his love for her is his fear. The only thing getting in the way is his own hesitation.

“Hang on, I’ll come around with the umbrella,” he tells her.

He walks around to the other side and helps her out of the car. He holds the umbrella over her head as she shuts the door, taking her hand again. She doesn’t typically tolerate these acts of chivalry with much patience, but for whatever reason she’s allowing it.

As they walk to the front door, holding hands, he wonders if he’s being inappropriate. They’re off duty, she’s grieving, maybe he’s taking advantage. But she squeezes his hand and makes no effort to let go. He’s just happy she seems to be feeling better. If she’s sending him any signals, he’s certainly not going to interpret them as such, not today.

Maggie Scully opens the door, smiling, and lets them inside. As she collects the umbrella, he glances over her shoulder into a mirror behind her and takes in the tableau of himself and Scully, hand in hand. He has the distinct awareness that they look like a couple.

Maybe they are. Maybe they always will be, regardless of whether or not they ever talk about it.

Thanks for reading! To continue reading click here. I’ll be back tomorrow with Chapter Four.

#txf #the x files #msr #fanfic #fanfiction #mulder and scully #never again #small potatoes #memento mori #redux #emily #culmination

76 notes · View notes