#and flopped as in i'm not sure how much i've improved

[tealvenetianmask]

I want to talk about a kind of troubling reaction I've been seeing to both Apology Tour and Ghostfuckers among parts of the fandom. The person is usually a reaction youtuber but sometimes someone writing on tumblr or twitter. They say something along the lines of "oh, I'm glad Blitz is being forced to confront his crimes/traumas/pain. This is the only way he will finally heal."

That's not how healing works.

I know that reaction youtubers don't always have the most developed takes because they're . . . you know . . . reacting in the moment. But I think it's still worth talking about.

I'm going set aside the people who seem to believe that Blitz needs to be punished for his crimes, and address those who genuinely think that getting a tidal wave of his own trauma in his face is what he needs to heal.

There's an attitude in contemporary culture that traumas are something people need to confront. As in, put on a brave face and dive in like a big boy. I blame capitalism, rugged individualism, and all the pieces of media that tie up a character's arc neatly by having them confront their darkest fears and insecurities. It can put a nice bow on things, but it isn't really how healing from trauma works.

Apology Tour:

Blitz gets confronted by a shit ton of people who hate him, at least some of whom are his exes, who he feels he's personally damaged. The decor and party games are all about killing and torturing him. Verosika confronts him about how much he hurt her. Oh, and then he sees the love of his life, who he's just recently pushed away, making out with another guy- proof, in his eyes, that Stolas is happier without him. And this all reflects the underlying fears he already has about who he is as a person (shown to us by Truth Seekers).

So what was the takeaway? Blitz came to the conclusion that he doesn't always want to be like this (good, but like . . . worth this much pain?). He flops on his steering wheel (relatable). He stops trying to reach out to Stolas (uh oh . . . ). He spends A MONTH spiraling in his own misery and making a mess of all aspects of his life until he's dragged out of it by a caring friend.

The party doesn't empower Blitz to change. It knocks him down and fucking traumatizes him (seriously, images of Stolas from the party show up later in his trauma reel) too much for him to be able to do actually work toward said change. I suspect that if left to his own devices, he would have kept spiraling for quite a while longer. It's one thing to want to change, and another to try to do so alone in the aftermath of a pile-on.

Ghostfuckers

After Blitz drags himself out of his hole of cheesy ice cream and despair to "play sex ghosts" (escapism, again, still knocked down by Apology Tour), infester demon Rolando picks him out as an easy target and assaults him, yes, assaults, with horrific images of his worst traumas and fears.

Not to state the obvious, but Rolando isn't interested in helping Blitz heal. He's trying to kill the guy. He wants to engulf Blitz in his trauma to the extent where he's consumed by it and loses the will to fight back. And as some excellent posts by others have pointed out already, he very likely would have succumbed if not for Millie's support.

Millie helps Blitz get through the onslaught by telling him about what makes him great and how he's improved her life and showing him love and care. And by literally beating the fucking infester out of him. Because there's someone in him who's hurting him, who's re-traumatizing him against his will. She takes him away from the reel of horrible memories.

So . . . do I think that confronting traumas can play a role in healing? Sure. But only if it's consensually (which neither of these situations are) and when the person trying to heal is ready. And most likely in small doses. No one's going and successfully confronting every horrible thing that's ever happened to them in one go.

And in my humble opinion, it's not going to work (for anyone, but especially not for Blitz) alone and without a healthy dose of kindness and compassion (both external and internal).

Blitz has a long road ahead of him toward healing, and it's going to be hard work on his part but also require love and support from the people in his life.

In a wonderful moment near the end of Ghosfuckers, Blitz and Millie work together to get Blitz's wrecked van unstuck and push it back through the portal into Hell. I love it because it's so simple and it kind of tells us everything we need to know. This sweet and salty gremlin has a lot of work ahead of him, but he doesn't have to do it alone.

[funniestpersonalivefr]

could you do aftercare hcs for the resident evil men and women?

aftercare (resident evil men)

im dropping the other half with this one i promise 🙏. anyways obviously some nsfw themes so mdni and this is not proofread. include; albert wesker, leon kennedy, chris redfield, carlos oliveira, and ethan winters.

albert wesker:

he's not the best at it

to be fair you are probably the first person he cares about

wesker just lacks the experience with aftercare

if you bring it up he'll def start making more of an effort

he will leave immediately for work

wesker's arms are around you. he's holding you close, you can feel his breath on your neck. your hands comb through his blonde hair, disheveled from the night's activities. you're covered in hickeys, your hips have bruises from his grip. as the two of you sit in the silence, about to fall asleep, his phone goes off.

he sighs as he moves out of your touch in order to check. you watch his face, his jaw clenches in frustration as he reads the message.

"i'm sorry," is all he says as he gets up, getting dressed. just like that, with a kiss on your forehead, he's gone.

leon kennedy:

leon is a gentleman

he's such a sweetheart to you afterwards

he insists on cleaning up

leon is constantly wanting to improve

sometimes it feels like he's asking for a performance review

"are you okay?" he asks. leon takes a wash cloth and gently cleans the mess he left between your thighs. you nod your head at him, running your fingers through his hair.

"yeah, i'm fine," you reply back to him. he hums in response as he finishes cleaning up before he clears his throat.

"so uh, how did i do?" he asks somewhat sheepishly. you giggle at him, pulling him in for a kiss.

"leon, i can barely walk, you did amazing." he smiles at your response.

chris redfield:

king

everything about chris is huge so he's always taking such good care of you after sex

he's making sure he wasn't too rough

expect a bubble bath and massage from him

and he's gonna wanna cuddle after all of that

the two of you sit in the warm bathtub, chris is behind you as he helps clean you up. his touch is gentle as he places kisses along your shoulders.

you are relaxed into his touch, his hands gently massage shampoo into your scalp. any knots from your muscles disappear with his touch.

"you did so good for me," he mumbles into your skin as he kisses over the marks left behind. you smile and hum, moving just enough to capture his lips with yours.

carlos oliveira:

he's not big on like doing an entire bubble bath

however like chris everything about carlos is huge so he'll make sure you're okay

carlos is another one who can get rough in the heat of the moment

he'll plant a kiss on every mark to 'kiss it better'

big cuddler too

"you okay?" carlos asks, he's still hovering above you, looking down. you smile and nod, pulling him in for a kiss.

you pull away to give him an actual answer, "i've never been better." he chuckles at your words as he moves to get off you.

as he flops down next to you, he's quick to pull you against his bare chest. you rest your head, listening to his heartbeat. you let out a yawn, your exhaustion was evident. carlos smiled, kissing the top of your head and rubbing your back to encourage you to sleep.

ethan winters:

another sweetheart

ethan whimpers is a bottom, just need to get that off my chest

you are probably cleaning him up

however he is all over you after that

expect so many kisses and cuddles from him

you press a kiss to ethan's forehead as you climb off of him, his face is flushed as he catches his breath. you're quickly cleaning him up, he whimpers a little from your touch. you smile up at him, pressing another kiss to the side of his face.

once you return, he's wrapped around you. he buries his head into the crook of your neck, leaving soft kisses there. the feeling of his breath tickles, and you laugh a little as you pull him close.

"i love you so much," he mumbles against your skin as he falls asleep in your arms.

[mintmentos]

I'm not even sure how long these took me to make but I FINISHED KNITTING MY FIRST PAIR OF SOCKS!!

I've had such a great time with these and learnt so much. I've used double pointed needles for the first time, been working in the round, actually succeeded at ribbing after the flop on my jumper and managed the dreaded heel turn! There's definitely a lot still to learn, I managed to do the kitchener stitching on the outside of BOTH socks somehow, they're a little bit on the small side so l need to sort my tension out (which I'm hoping to solve with blocking - wish me luck!) and the laddering is still quite prominent.

This was all round such a fun project and I'm so excited to try again and hopefully improve as I go!

[cupidkyo]

Star gazing & comforting words- Minho x reader

WARNING: This is the first ever ff i've wrote!! I'm writing this to get feedback and criticism to improve my writing. I will make grammar and spelling mistakes!! but other wise i hope you enjoy:)) (Also read the bottom for more of my thoughts after)

SUMMERY:You and Minho star gaze on the watch tower while you comfort him after a difficult day. (735 words)

It was around 5pm, I was just finishing my job with the medjacks when i saw Minho run out the maze looking upset. my thought were confirmed when he shoved past Newt who was trying to talk with him and ran straight into the map room. 'i wonder whats wrong with him' I thought to myself.

After around half an hour I noticed that Minho still hadn't returned from the map room, so I decided to go check in on him making sure he's okay. I approach the map room and knocked on the door, " What do you want you shank!" Minho shouts out as his footsteps are heard making their way towards the door. He opens it and in seeing who it was relaxes a bit while sitting back down, letting out a sigh while shoving his head in his hands, "Are you alright, whats wrong with you?" I ask him sitting on the chair to his right. "I give up there's no way out, there never has been, never will be!" He mutters into his hands, "I've ran this shuck maze for two years! if there was an exit we would have found it!" I wrap my arm around his shoulder, "Why don't you take a break from the maze tomorrow, and how about right now we go up the watch tower?" He picks his head up looking at me after i spoke, "Sure." He breathes out in reply.

We climb our way up the watch tower, making it to the top both lying down with our feet dangling over the edge."It's a clear sky tonight, look at all the stars!" i say excitedly looking over to the boy next to me. He suddenly lifts his hand pointing to a fairly bright star,"Did you know thats Venus?" He turns his head toward me with a slight smirk. "Yes ofcorse i did! I'm the one who taught you shuckface!" I laugh, as he turns his head back to the sky with a pout. As most of the stars where showing i decided to make a bet, "Who ever can point out the most constellations wins!" Already trying to spot some. "Oh your on!" Minho challenges." I see pisces!" i shout out while Minho spots Aries.

After ten minuets I win the bet by spotting 3 more constellations, while Minho only spotted the one, "That was no fair! you know more about space then me." He sulked. "Don't be such a sore loser!" I say while smirking at him. After he stopped sulking Minho started pointing out stars seeing if i could name them, We spent around an hour just sat there just enjoying each others company, and pointing out stars, when Minho turned to me grabbing me hand "Thank you for comforting me, the maze has just really been stressful recently." i pulled him closer so we were now cuddling as he continues, "I just feel like it's my duty to keep the hope of getting out within everyone, but it's hard when i don't have any hope myself." He sighs as he rests his head in the dip of my neck. "You do keep the hope! And everyone here look up to you not just because they think you can find a way out, but because of who you are as a person!" I consoled him. "Take the day off tomorrow i'll tell Alby in the morning that your not running and then we can spend the whole day together relaxing, how does that sound?", "Shucking amazing." he groaned out as he sat up, "We better head into the homestead now then." He pulled me up as we climbed back down the ladder, walking towards the homestead holding hands.

When we reached the room Minho flopped onto our shared bed while i shut the door. Walking over to him i gave him a quick peck on the lips. "I love you so much and i'm always here for you, i might not know much about the maze, but i know everything about you." I told him while slipping into the covers with him. "I love you too." He muttered out nearly asleep. Wrapping my arms around him and snuggling closer i hear his breathing calm, I give him one last kiss on his forehead before i close my eyes and sleep as well, hoping that Minho will feel better in the morning.

I feel like in some parts i went really off topic then back really randomly and that it doesn't quite make sense, but idk.. i also feel like i was just repeating myself over and over again. Pls remember that this is my FIRST ever time writing anything really nevermind a fanfic. It was also writen between 4-5 am while i'm extremely tired and dizzy😬

But if you made it this far thank you sm for reading!! I would really love some criticism so that i can improve!! so feel free to comment on whatever you want. But again thank you for reading i hope you all have an amazing day/night!!<33

[hroscek]

✎📃Dottore studying headcanons📚

Back again with more Dottore content. This is a bit of a mix between a modern au but still somehow compliant with Genshin? Idk I just wanted to write ab him studying and projecting finding inspiration in my own life without having to explain how he has access to YouTube in his akademiya days okay? Anyways enjoy and make sure to study if you happen to be procrastinating at the moment (I will know)!

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Dottore study headcanons

Probably the type that ultra-focuses on the material in front of him leading to generally neglecting any and all other needs until he physically can't anymore (nearly burnt down his dorm via hair catching fire from a candle when he fell asleep at the desk)

Thinks he's above attending lectures so he'd definitely be that one student that never shows up but still ends up acing the exams.

Fully believes that he must achieve a state of total focus to optimize his brain. This starts as threatening the other students into leaving him alone as he studies, drawing the curtains and shutting out all other distractions. Probably spent too much on finding a good noise-cancelling headset.

After getting kicked out gracefully parting ways with the akademiya he devoted some time to trying to find ways to improve his focus even more. I'm talking full blown rounds of experimentation with different methods such as binaural beats (actually works tbh), sensory deprivation tanks etc. Sort of how greater lord rukkhadevata would shut herself away to meditate, but he would never admit how similar their methods are.

Honestly I wouldn't be surprised if the original Dottore is just floating in a state of meditation rn trying to achieve max brain power (legit a headcanon for me now lmao).

Seeing as he probably doesn't sleep much, especially when in the thick of experiments he tries his best to compensate in other ways. He drank an inhuman amount of coffee or energy drinks (or both at the same time tbh) until he grew a tolerance to all forms of caffeine and is now forced to actually sleep once in a while.

He is intimately familiar with is work area and instantly knows where everything is. To outsiders it looks like a mess of various documents, piles of paper, supplies and mechanical parts. Often he asks a new intern to fetch him a sheet or something and they'll spend hours looking for it in the raven's nest that man calls an office. Then he'll show up pissed as hell like "It was under the desk next to the 3rd used energy core. Are you really that stupid?".

When he's in the zone he's deathly silent, his eyes laser focused on whatever page or machine he's trying to figure out. An observer might be afraid he'll burn a hole trough the object with his eyes. This is probably the only time he doesn't wear his mask as he doesn't want anything to obstruct him. Archons couldn't help the unfortunate soul who dares to interrupt him in this state. Instant volunteer for his next experiment.

Pantalone once decided to gift him with an expensive stationery set in a desperate attempt to get him to organize his study. It included quills, ink, various highlighters and organizers all in pastels with cute motifs. "To bring some positivity to the gloomy atmosphere around you!". Dottore claimed to hate it but was seen months later using a kitten-themed notepad at one of his labs.

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Another post, another slay (probs a flop). I'm currently taking a half-voluntary gap year because I decided to switch universities a little too late in the year oops. And honestly in this time I've realized how much I thrive in the academic environment and I miss studying so much! Idk might sound a bit too optimistic coming from someone who's currently not under any pressing deadlines or tests but I really do miss it. As much as I hated crunching the night before a test and stressed about the material I believe it's an environment I truly thrive in. I really do find such comfort in being able to take notes, discuss with classmates and professors. It's probably one of the many reasons I find Dottore relatable. We both share such a thirst for knowledge and focus way too much on our favorite subjects. I'm rambling, sorry. Thank you so much for reading and please don't be shy to send me asks or comments with ideas you'd like me to expand upon. I'm still pretty new to writing in fandom space so I'd really be grateful to get feedback and see what the community wants lol.

Have a good day! ❀

[iztea]

Do you like drawing in a sense that it relaxes you? Like a hobby you‘re looking forward to after a day of work. Do you feel joy while you draw?

I‘m currently battling my art demons and came to the conclusion that drawing actually makes me feel shitty a lot of the time because I only take joy out of the results yk? So if it‘s good, great! If I get overwhelmed woah my world is breaking down. My therapist told me I need a hobby that actually relaxes me and that I like solely for itself, not connected to performance, and I was wondering if drawing is just generally the wrong thing for that or if there‘s a way for people to actually enjoy it in a relaxing way.

You‘re so open about your drawing process and you‘re my favorite art account so you fell victim to my question haha but I get that this ask is pretty specific and kinda weird, don‘t feel pressured to answer :)

i do very much enjoy drawing in a relaxing way; for me, it's the equivalent of playing video games or watching Netflix so, in a way, i think of drawing as "unproductive work". Not sure if you're actually looking for a solution-based answer to your problem or if you just want to hear my side/my opinion on the matter, but I'll try to delve into both. 

I think for me personally, I've always found drawing to be relaxing for the most part. Frustration is always to be expected, of course, but I wouldn't say it ruins the mood, it's just something that comes and goes. The only unpleasant part about drawing for me is strictly related to the social media aspect or just making it public. Now, I'm not sure if you have an art account as well or how much you relate to this but I very often dread posting stuff online. I kinda have to force myself almost every time to make something public because I hate the applause but I am also rational enough to understand that art is meant to be shared with others, even if I personally don't feel a strong need to... It's just one of those human behaviour things you have to mimic or adapt to get by, similar to many other things that don't make sense to me personally but I cognitively understand why they happen but I digress

 When it comes to the process itself, I actually enjoy it more than the final result. If I had a lot of fun experimenting with brushes and new techniques and crazy effects i saw online then i get a sense of joy no matter the end result, and here is where my first piece of advice comes into play: learn to enjoy the process without thinking of the destination. For me, even when I do have a clear idea in mind, it always fluctuates and I let it fluctuate. Sometimes it even looks like shit. So what? It's just for your eyes, who cares if it doesn't look good? Just call it a flop and move to another thing, or revisit it sometime later when your skills improve. This is even easier when you do not have an art account where you share your art, there's zero pressure, you're creating the pressure yourself.

Just think about it: 

>why do you feel shitty and overwhelmed? -> because you care about the end result

>why do you care? -> because if it turns out bad, it feels like wasted time. or because you put your worth into what you create or because [  fill in your answer here ]

>do you still want to continue drawing? -> if there is a way to enjoy it in a relaxing way, then yes i assume

Ok great! Then, the solution is to remove that root feeling of disappointment, overwhelm or despair by learning to appreciate the process of creation and bask in the uncertainty of it instead of being so dead-set on the final piece. If you are not content enough with your skills to end up drawing something that you're always satisfied with, and if it causes you this much distress, then drop your expectations and don't reach the finish line. I mean this literally: draw forever-WIPs. Sketches. Doodles. Don't render, don't even try to think of a color palette. Don't Finish Your Art. Enjoy the process of discovery, of trial-and-error of indecision and I can assure you it will be during these moments when you'll find the relaxation you're looking for.

Enjoyment and relaxation, in my experience, come from two places/approaches: 1. the subject itself and/or 2. noticing improvement in your skills.

To give you an example, when I was sick with fever I drew Dazai as that "let's take ibuprofen together" meme and I thought it was the best shit in the world I was on cloud nine and giggling to myself. Looking back on that art, I now realize it looks terrible (and i lowkey want to redraw it) but back then i was laughing while drawing it and felt Great. because I was drawing something i thought it was funny. Not even once did I think "oh man, I hope this turns out nice ohh it will be so awful if it doesn't the world will explode" because that was not its purpose. Granted i was a bit,,,,,, unwell given my sickly state but my point still stands! So, what I'm trying to say here is that you can try drawing "funny/silly" things as a way to sort of lessen that burden of expectations. Or just something you reaaalllly want to see and you know no one else will do it. Taking matters in your own hands type beat

The second way to enjoy drawing in a relaxing way is by taking the other route: instead of focusing on the subject matter, try focusing on new techniques, new brushes, new tutorials or approaches you found online. Basically, focus on improving your skills in a fun-no-pressure-no-strings-attached way while keeping your subject of choice neutral or uninteresting. Or maybe take the artwork of an artist you really like and try to deconstruct it/ reverse engineer it and apply it to your own art. But whatever you do or choose, just never finish it. let them stay as wips or else you won't be very.. relaxed.

*please note this is an "and/or" statement, so you can absolutely do both: try a new technique you found while drawing something that you also enjoy for uhhhhhhhhhhh relaxmaxxing as the would kids say

Lastly, what I would highly recommend is listening to Adam Duff's podcasts, he really hits the nail on the head when it comes to such topics and more, he really narrates and explores that soulful part of an artist way better than I ever could with this answer so please check him out, I think you'll find your answers there

[munchboxart]

This is more of a personal topic, but I wanna talk about the pressures of art and the "need"/chase for social media "interactions" (likes, comments, etc.). I'm not sure how how common of an issue this is, but I've seen oomf worry about this and I just wanna talk about my experience with it.

So undoubtedly there was a shift in the way I upload (I mean look at me now, I'm yapping instead of drawing). As in how I used to be more active and invested more time in them, but nowadays I rarely share art. For the past 7+ years I've been online, I've mainly drawn to get an online presence over my own personal interest or growth (in skill, but when those do align, it's usually more of just a bonus). And recently, I've given up on that (recently as in, this year compared to the amount of years I poured energy into building a presence), and I've never been happier!

I keep mentioning how happy it makes me and I really can't stress that enough. I've been able to play more games that I want and spend more time in consuming media rather than worrying about the next art piece of the week. And the difference between consistently drawing vs sometimes drawing in terms of improvement has not changed much I think. Hell, I think I've been able to improve much faster in a shorter time frame since I've been looking at more media now compared to drawing thing of the week.

I'm grateful that I was a little luckier and have been able to build up a small audience, and for said audience that's stuck with me so far, and I am still a little "social media"-brained, but I don't think the crushing weight of your own expectations to upload on a consistent schedule is worth over actually enjoying your life. Or if you want to think about it this way, do you want or think you can live like that for the next 5 years, or next 10 years, or more?

And I wanna note, for the past 7+ years of uploading art, I've always been critical of my own art. Trying to one-up yourself and have yourself be your own competition is good! But not to the point where you hate every piece that you make or that you think you did something wrong because a piece or multiple pieces are flopping.

Oh my god I didn't even think about how I sometimes shift art styles to see which one is more popular, it made me so depressed good god. It's a tale as old as time and I never realized how important it was until I stopped caring about it all, but literally just draw what makes you happy, even if that means you don't want to draw for a while if nothing comes up in your brain.

[country-n-sassy]

1. Would you rather be blindfolded or blindfold?

2. Would you rather orgasm while performing oral or during intercourse?

3. What was your high school sex fantasy?

4. What’s your favorite position?

5.  Which part of your body do you consider the most sexy?

6.  Do you like to swallow?

7.  Who do you fantasize about when you’re alone?

8. Your last sexual encounter; good or bad and why?

9. Where is one place you would never have sex?

10. Top or bottom?

11.  Best sexual complement you ever got?

12. When was the first time you masturbated?

13.  Have/would you ever have sex outside?

14. Who gave you your last kiss? Did it mean anything?

15.  Do you sleep in pajamas, underwear, or nothing at all?

16.  If you had a sexual “to-do” list, what would be on top of the list?

17. Is a weird “sex face/orgasm face” a total deal breaker?

18. Do you have a gag reflex?

19. Is your sex life award-winning or a total flop?

20. Are piercings sexy?

21. Can/Have you ever squirted before?

22. List your kinks.

23. How did you discover you were kinky?

24. What was your first kinky sexual experience?

25. Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life?  If so, what are they?

26. What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy?

27. Something that never fails to make you horny:

28. Where is one place you would never have sex?

29. The most awkward moment during a sexual experience was when:

30. Whats the best way to sexually bind someone? (handcuffs, ropes, etc.)

31. Whats the fastest way to make you horny?

32. Something that you have hidden in your room that you don’t want anyone to find:

33. Two things you like/dislike about oral sex:

34. How big is too big?

35. One sexual thing you would never do:

36. Three spots that drive you insane:

37. Do you like it when your sexual partner moans?

38. Is it good sex even if you don’t cum?

39. Do you watch gay/lesbian porn? Why/Why not?

40.  If a child was born on the occasion of the last time you had sex, how old would that child be now?

41. Do you like giving head? Why/why not?

42. Do you own any sex toys? If so, how long have you had them?

43. Do you watch porn?

44. Have you had sex in your parents bed? (Would you?)

45. How would you react if you found out your parents had sex on your bed?

46. Spanking: turn on or turn off?

47.  What is one random object you’ve used to masturbate?

48. Biggest sexual fantasy?

49. Kitchen counter, couch, or on top of the dryer?

50. Thoughts on period sex?

Wow... that's a lot.

1. I'm ok with either, although I haven't played much with blindfolds. I'm more about spontaneous sex than a planned activity.

2. No preference, an orgasm is always great.

3. I'm not sure I gave sexual fantasies much thought in HS... or anything else for that matter ���🤣

4. Any position with a partner is my favorite!!! Spontaneous and passionate are always the best!

5. I don't think I'm sexy, but I would say my eyes or my smile. Maybe my ass 🤷‍♀️

6. Yes.

7. I usually fantasize about a man I can't have, but it is what it is.

8. My last sexual encounter was great, for the most part. It was risky and naughty, and I shouldn't have done it, but I wanted it sooooo bad!!! I wish I had done some things differently. As I'm sure we always do.

9. Never say never....

10. Top or bottom depends on my mood, I enjoy both and wouldn't say I have a preference.

11. The best sexual comment I've ever gotten was from my ex, he told me one time that I was so good at sucking dick, that even if we broke up his dick would still want me because nobody else would compare.

12. Fuck I'm old! I don't remember the first time I masturbated??? Probably younger than I'd like to admit.

13. Outside sex is amazing!! Yes/Yes.... and YES!!!!

14. The last guy who kissed me was amazing, but it didn't mean to him what it meant to me.

15. I sleep very naked. Lol

16. The top of my sexual "to do" list would be to have sex! Lol

17. What kind of question is that? The "O" face isn't a deal breaker unless he's the only one having one....

18. I do have a gag reflex and it pisses me off because I love sucking dick and it gets in my way of being as good as I want sometimes.

19. When I had a sex life, it was award winning, but I guess it's a total flop at the moment - aka non-existent.

20. Depends, sometimes I think they are, and sometimes I think it makes the person look like they're trying too hard to be someone they aren't. Piercings definitely rely on the person's personality to be sexy or not. To be clear, I'm talking about being a genuine bad boy... sorry, I like what I like.

Wait, there's MORE?

21. I haven't ever squirted before, I've tried several times, but I can't get myself to relax enough. I'm too self-conscious.

22. I don't have kinks.

23. Tumblr helped me discover that I'm NOT kinky, I'm just fun.

24. No kinky experiences, just spontaneous, passionate, and consensual, wild sex.

25. As we've discussed, not kinky, so no life altering revelations....

26. No comment

27. Effort. Effort will always make me horny, even if the effort is something not sexyally related. If a man did something for me, as simple as bringing me coffee cause he knew I was having a rough day - instantly horny (after thanking him with a passionate kiss and probably ass grabbing, of course). And if the effort involves him taking the time to listen to me.... hold on!!

28. Never say never....

29. Awkward moments during sex are expected when learning each other. If you can't laugh, talk about it and learn from it... how do you get better? One of my favorite things is seeing my man smile during sex over something cute or fun or new... love, love, love it!!

30. I'm not into bondage.

Still going....

31. Depends on my mood, but if you get to know me and pay attention, you'll find out quickly. Kissing is always a great place to start.

32. Nothing. If you're snooping in my room, that's on you. You can't unsee things 🤷‍♀️🤣

33. I prefer to give oral sex rather than receive. Receiving oral is very intimate to me, and I need to trust and care for you a lot. But I'll suck your dick in the car on the way to our second date 😬

34. Great question, I haven't been with anyone I've considered too big, but when I went to the sex store.... WTF?! Hard pass on the cock that's bigger than my arm.

35. Never say never. There are a lot of things I'm not interested in, but I might try for the right man, who knows 🤷‍♀️

36. HIM TOUCHING ME

37. Moaning is the best way for me to know I'm doing the right thing. It is sexy as FUCK!! Also makes me horny as fuck!

38. I've had sex several times when I didn't cum, but it was amazing!!

39. I have watched gay porn and I'm not telling you why.

40. I'd rather not disclose how long it's been since I had sex.... but it's been a hot minute.

Are we done yet?

41. In case it isn't clear yet, yes, I love giving head. Pleasing him makes me feel sexy.

42. I have a lot of sex toys. I probably started getting sex toys about 10 years ago to spice things up.

43. Yeah, I watch porn sometimes.

44. My parents were divorced growing up, so... no. And no.

45. I guess I'm old enough to know that we haven't always been "parents." We were all young once.

46. A spontaneous smack on the ass during sex? Hell yeah!! A bend me over your knee like a 5 year old "spanking"? Fuck off

47. Oh I'm definitely NOT telling!

48. My sexual fantasy is to be loved for who I am. The sexual fantasies I would make come true for that man are UNREAL!

49. Wait... I can only choose one? All of the above!

50. Period sex is ok, as long as it's in the shower. Lol.

Well, if you're still with me, you should give yourself a 🌟. That's TMI, for sure!

[flowersforbucky]

Do you have any general advice for someone who wants to post their writing but is scared to? I write a lot. But I have never posted on tumblr or anywhere else. I don't know why but I'm so nervous to.

had to add a keep reading link because i ended up rambling way more than i originally intended to 😅 sorry if this isn't helpful or isn't the kind of answer you were looking for but here's a summary of my experience with writing/posting on tumblr and some general tips -

i completely understand being nervous. i feel nervous every time i post my writing. i'm always worried that people won't like it, that it'll flop, etc. when i first tried posting bucky fanfiction about 5 years ago, and when i posted eddie munson fanfiction a couple years ago, just about everything i posted performed really poorly. i had a couple pieces that did alright but for the most part, just about everything flopped. and it was very discouraging, i would let it get to me too much for sure - i'd wonder how other people got their work to get so many notes so easily when nothing i did seemed to help.

so when i started writing/posting for bucky again a few months ago i was really nervous, since i hadn't had much luck in the past. i decided to give it a shot anyway, and told myself that i'm doing this for fun, and if people like what i put out then great, and if not then i wouldn't let it get to me because at the end of the day i'm doing this for myself, because i want to.

everything i've posted for bucky the last few months has surpassed my expectations, truthfully. i don't really know why all of my one-shots have performed so much better this time around than when i first tried to write for him back in 2019 - maybe my writing has improved? maybe i'm just getting lucky and posting at the right times? maybe it's the fact that i write more smut than i used to and the fandom seems to love that? maybe a little bit of all of those things? i'm not 100% sure, but i'm happy to give you some tips that i think work for me, at least.

also disclaimer i definitely don't think i've been doing this long enough or am a "big enough" writer within this community to even be giving advice LMAO but since you asked!!

i usually post on wednesday or friday evenings and i've had good interaction on both of those days, however fridays have been the best and i think i will be sticking to friday evening posts for the most part in the future

i usually post between 7:00 - 10:00 pm eastern time, most often around 9:00 pm - if the time you post doesn't seem to work well, try a different time with the next post

tags tags tags! add the most relevant tags first, and avoid adding tags that are irrelevant. so when i post for bucky i add tags such as the following: bucky barnes x reader, bucky x reader, bucky barnes, bucky barnes x you, bucky barnes smut, etc

write a brief summary for the piece that will draw people in but not give tooooo much away. also always give appropriate warnings

use the "keep reading" feature. to be completely honest, if someone posts something that's 500+ words and they don't use the keep reading feature, i'm instantly going to get annoyed that it's clogging up the feed and scroll past it lol. i personally like to insert the "keep reading" link a couple paragraphs into my fic so that people can read the first tiny bit of it and (hopefully) be interested enough to click the link and keep reading.

don't be afraid to reach out to other writers in your fandom and initiate friendships. i know this can be super intimidating because they usually already have mutuals that they are close with but what's the worst that can happen with trying? most people here love making new friends/mutuals and want to be supportive of new writers, though i know it doesn't always feel like that. not everyone that i've followed/interacted with has followed me back but a lot have!

tease snippets of upcoming fics before posting them (and make sure to add a bunch of tags so more people see) to help people get excited, draw in new followers, etc. pick a few lines of dialogue, or a specific paragraph or whatever, that you're particularly proud of and screenshot/copy & paste it and post it and basically say hey here's a snippet of an upcoming fic! i don't always do this but i like to on occasion

lastly, and this piece of advice won't necessarily help your writing perform well notes wise, but i think it's important to remember: write and post what YOU want to write and post. this is a hobby, this is supposed to be fun, and you are not getting paid for this. if you don't want to write smut, DON'T write it just because it's popular and you feel like you have to. if you don't want to write reader inserts and prefer OCs, then write an OC. if you prefer writing one-shots and drabbles over multi-part series, then write one-shots and drabbles! of course readers are going to have their preferences and that's fine, i have my preferences when it comes to reading fanfiction as well, but it's not your job to appeal to every reader out there. it's your job to enjoy this hobby as much as you can and write things that you're proud of.

[retrocontinuity]

"perfect blue" (1998)

on rewatch, this was both better and worse than i remembered. 

- no one does a transition/jump cut/juxtaposition, at least not in anime, like satoshi kon esp. in the opening minutes of this film, which transposes scenes from cham!'s last concert as a trio with mima's ordinary life post-idol. the juxtapositions are unexpected and not obvious, the beginning of the movie's long disorientation. and of course the unforgettable dream/delusion hybrids as mima begins to experience her life as an unending series of second and third takes. that the movie makes no attempt to validate your theories as to which scenes are dream, montage, and/or reality (at least, reality for the world of the characters) is what makes this film obviously pre-mcu. these days i'm sure there are 4 hour long youtube essays trying to tell you the "true" "perfect blue" timeline -- if they exist, don't watch them.

- a musing on the nature of animation/anime films: animation has improved (obviously) since 1997, but even with rotoscoping, digital technology, and animators who have spent all of their adolescent and adult life producing painstakingly detailed and well-articulated 30-second shorts on twitter tagged with "indie anime", it's still difficult (if not impossible) for animated faces to duplicate the microexpressions of a human face on screen. (if it were possible, chainsaw man (2022) would have done it.) you can fake it for a few seconds, with widening of eyes or a twitch of the mouth, and there are moments in "perfect blue" where we linger on a character's expression. but for the most part, the work of microexpressions is done through some small physical detail: the overpowering overhead lights of a set, rumi's cigarette ash falling, the lines on a tv screen as a tape is rewound, the particular way morning light might fall on your bed at certain times of the day.

i think a lot about how anime fakes us out and makes us want to say the word "cinematography" when there is no such thing. there is no camera in an anime film. no shot can ever be an accident; it is always fully formed by human hands (even more true of a film made in the 90s). in the first ten minutes of the film, you see mima walk to the outside corridors of her apartment building, open her door, clean out her refrigerator, run a bath, then flop on her bed. the "camera" wanders in 3-second still shots around her room, establishing shot after establishing shot. there is so much stuff, and it is all hand-drawn: perfume bottles, stuffed animals, lotions, stacks of cds, dried flower bouquets, rows of spices on the range, the rust stains from the stopper chain of her sink. i'm not saying a film director wouldn't have done the same, but these shots feel exceptionally "anime," of trying to work around the limitations of the animated cel. when you cannot ever capture motion by accident, when every gesture "on camera" requires what to a non-artist would be a herculean act of labor, when two characters cannot surprise you into having chemistry with their body language or energy, then everything becomes a matter of framing. 

the benefit of animation, though, is that you can easily traverse between illusion and reality. because the camera is not real, because you already are suspending your disbelief, no extra work is required for you to see illusion!mima as a real person. these days i complain frequently about live action adaptations of manga/anime that don't add to the story with its medium. though i've never read the novel on which it is based, "perfect blue" feels like one of those perfect moments when anime is in fact the best medium for adaptation. in anime, everything that is real is already unreal; so, too, is "perfect blue."

- in the early 2000s, if you liked "perfect blue," people would probably recommend "serial experiments lain" (which is actually what i watched pretty much right after "perfect blue," and i was too young for them both), "ergo proxy," or even the other satoshi kon films. but in 2024 i would say, you should watch "odd taxi." it has everything: the mindfuckery, the b-list pop idols, the murder, the musings on life and the cruelties of internet life, the fantastic soundtrack. "odd taxi" is coen brothers to "perfect blue"'s david lynch. did lynch watch "perfect blue" before making "mulholland drive"? the question now haunts me.

[les4elliewilliams]

as a new writer (not new to writing, just new to publishing here), I get discouraged really easily, no matter how much I like my writing. I’m autistic, so I tend to take things to heart. do you have any tips for people like me? aaaaanddd did you experience anything like this when you started

i'm going to be honest the first time i posted here, i was shit nervous. i was like "what if people think it's absolute shit?" i even told myself that if it flopped i'd delete my account forever, let my fics rot in my notes, and never post again. but i asked myself "why do i care so much? do i really need the external validation? or am i doing it for fun?" if people don't like it, that's their issue, not mine. scrolling is free and as long as i'm not offending or hurting anyone, why wouldn't i keep doing it for my own enjoyment? writing is fun, it's something i've always loved, and honestly, it's mind-blowing when people ask for a part two or leave a nice comment. like, it's genuinely crazy, i'm just here, sharing something i've always enjoyed and did since i was a kid, and random people online actually like it too? wtfff. (not to mention the great friends i've made with this account, forever grateful for those)

every reblog, every comment, every message, every single anon flooding my inbox asking for a part two or to be tagged (anons asking about maneater, i see you🙄) or just stopping by to say something nice about my writing—it means the world. i'm not even kidding. y'all have no idea how much something so simple can make my day, and i'm sure it's the same for maaany other writers.

so, my advice? write for fun, write for yourself, and try not to have any expectations, especially if you're new here. let people get to know you. interact with other authors as much as you can. read others' work, make notes of what you like (and what you don't) if you're looking to improve/struggling with writer's block. and interact with their posts!! comment as much as you can, cause every writer needs feedback as much as you do. appreciate every single bit of feedback you get cause, often, the "quiet" readers are the ones who think about your fics all day (ME, IM TALKING ABOUT MYSELF, i may not always interact, but some of you should be writing books CAUSE????)

if you run into haters? block em skibidi toilets, delete their comments. don't waste your energy on someone hiding behind a screen just to spread negativity. you don't need that in your life. if they can't give you constructive criticism you don't need it, you don't know them personally so don't even take it to heart even if it's hard

i hope this helps a little and that you have a great time here. good luck :)

[fideidefenswhore]

I've been wondering this for awhile, because different secondary sources give various takes on the Downfall of Anne Boleyn, but how big of a role did the Seymours (Jane and her brothers) in particular play in the downfall and judicial murder of Anne Boleyn?

I hated how Becoming Elizabeth white-washed Edward Seymour's character by portraying him as being super nice to Elizabeth when I'm 100% sure that wasn't the case in real life. He didn't defend her when the Thomas Seymour scandal broke out, didn't tell her she looked like her dad, and certainly did not apologize to her for his brother's behavior. Somerset kept her away from King Edward and refused to let her come to court when she was accused to let her speak her piece. Wasn't he also the one who refused to give Elizabeth the lands/money Henry VIII left for her in his will? Thomas abused the Princess no question about it.

The Seymours helped cause Anne's death and then abused her daughter it seems. If they were behind her downfall it makes sense that they wouldn't care about her daughter either.

Well, given you've already mentioned secondary sources, I'm assuming you're not looking for reccomendations for material on this subject, and are just asking for my opinion? I might post some excerpts later regardless in some reblog or edit of this ask, if you're interested.

I'm not too familiar with the sources on Edward VI's reign but that does sound about right? Although I'm not positive there was much improvement when Edward Seymour was disempowered and eventually executed and John Dudley took up the helm, from what I remember that's true. For more on this, I would rec From Heads of Household to Heads of State by Jeri L. Mcintosh and Word of a Prince by Maria Perry.

Yeah, I don't...even want to get into BE discourse too much (I assume the invention of their relationship shifting from begrudging antipathy to admiration and eventual apology was due to AR's sympathy for him, but fans of the show were mad he apologized to Elizabeth and not Mary, for...what? What did they want, exactly? Had he not apologized to her in the canon of the show he would have died a CSA apologist). Most of it just seemed absurd to me. For whatever reason that man seems to have had some appeal to AR during her research process, and I simply cannot fathom why. To me, he is just flop (as ruthless as Cromwell but without his genius or political acumen, of moderate intelligence but poor character, I don't think you can even make the argument that well, even if ineffectual and 'of small power' by 1538, as per one contemporary, at least he withstood every shift and endured, that would be more applicable to a figure such as William Paulet).

But, circling back to the first question:

How big of a role did the Seymours (Jane and her brothers) in particular play in the downfall and judicial murder of Anne Boleyn?

An interesting one, because they're part of this rather large faction at the time, as Chapuys reports. I don't necessarily get the impression they were actually leading said faction, however...those with the most weight to pull number as Lord Montague, Nicholas Carew, at times Francis Bryan, the Marquis and Marchioness of Exeter. What's particularly interesting to note is that Chapuys specifically alleges that these players are constantly giving Jane advice on how and in what manner to speak with Henry VIII. Often this report is stretched to farce (some authors almost writing about this in ways that veer on anachronism, suggestions of Jane almost being fed line for line by earpiece), but assuming even moderate exaggeration of Chapuys' part, what I find compelling is what this means, which is that Jane doesn't really know Henry. As in, she has some sense of him, but she's reliant on the advice of those who have known him much longer.

Why I find that compelling is that it implies the Seymours have always sort of been on the outskirts, never within Henry's inner circle up to this point, which makes sense once the evidence is considered (Jane has probably been serving the new Queen since 1534 at latest, her appearance on gift rolls notwithstanding, but doesn't show up as her intimate in the way of Margaret Douglas, Mary Howard, etc). Her 'brothers' alone is interesting, isn't it? Contemporary report at this time doesn't even place Thomas there in the ramp-up to the coup, it might even be that he's often placed there in fiction because as we recreate these scenes on screen and stage, we read things backwards. We do know that Edward is there, and presumably he might have even been at court for some time, we know he's present at Anne Boleyn's coronation feast as server to Cranmer, we know he's the Duke of Richmond's Master of the Horse. But there's no mention of Thomas Seymour in all this until he's given title once his sister becomes Queen.

So, Edward's involvement, by contemporary report, is that he's basically in attendance at these meetings of Boleyn opponents, he's promoted to the Privy Chamber in March 1536 (not, however, the Privy Council until halfway through the next year, which is interesting...basically, he's not significantly promoted to that place of trust and influence until Jane's been Queen for an entire year, which is instructive insofar as it could mean one of two things: one, Jane's lack of influence and power as Queen, or two, that she doesn't care about the promotion of her brothers enough to push on the matter), he's chaperoning meetings between Jane and Henry alongside his wife in the quarters Cromwell has granted him which connect to Henry's own, and he's present at the failed Imperial detente between Cromwell, Chapuys, and Henry VIII in April 1536.

Circling back to how Jane requiring such intensive counsel to speak with Henry, on what to say and how to say it, on how to approach him...every point this faction wants her to press with Henry is rebuffed by him. There is no honeymoon period for Jane, truly. If she can't convince him to reinstate his eldest daughter in the succession, would she have been able to convince him to repudiate his wife? It's doubtful, although I'm sure she encouraged this, it's unlikely her encouragement was what pushed him over the brink, as it were.

Moreover, if we go beyond Chapuys, according to contemporary reports Jane was countermanded, sometimes quite publically, on pretty much every political move she attempted (once, five times in a row on the same matter, and another reports Henry as saying he had already 'often' told her not to meddle in his affairs, and this as early as five months into their marriage, and Jane as Queen). This is instructive insofar how much they were leading this faction, versus other members of the faction leading them. Assuming she wasn't masochistic, Jane must have repeatedly been promised and told by those that 'knew Henry best' (almost all of whom, absent Bryan, are going to end up on the scaffold in two years' time) that her influence was going to equal or even surpass her predecessors' upon Henry, and that she just had to bide her time.

So, was there a Seymour 'family firm' comparable to some others, as far as the Boleyn coup? Beyond Jane & Edward, there's not much evidence for one (certainly they were united in grabbing the spoils afterwards, Henry Seymour grabbed a vacant position by one of the accused and condemned men, Edward a viscounship to equal George Boleyn's, not to mention the riches and properties of the Dissolution both Jane and Edward enjoyed, etc). Thomas is absent, as are their parents, and Elizabeth Seymour seems to have even possibly been a Boleyn supporter by dint of her husband. Jane's maternal cousin is on the jury which condemns her predecessor, but beyond that....

Circling towards your last:

The Seymours helped cause Anne's death and then abused her daughter it seems. If they were behind her downfall it makes sense that they wouldn't care about her daughter either.

Eh, I don't think it's fair to term any of them, save Thomas Seymour later on, as 'abusive' towards Elizabeth. What's more certain is that they wouldn't have wanted her to develop any sort of base of power and support. It is interesting, though, as far as memory serves, that it's after Edward Seymour's power was stripped that Elizabeth was making such public appearances of honour at her brother's court. An interesting aspect of any counterfactual of Jane's survival, Jane being the last Tudor queen (consort) of Henry VIII, would be how the relationship between Edward VI&Elizabeth might then manifest, the Seymours would not have faded into obscurity as they did for much of Henry's reign, and it's difficult to imagine that they wouldn't have been wary of the two of them developing any sort of rapport. But, they did, and it was Henry that directed the education and environment that made this possible.

[pure-garbage]

A New Mentor? Unheeded Advice From The Beleaguered Surgeon Of Death

Chapter Warnings: Violence, Injury

If confusion was a terminal illness, Lana would have been long dead.

"What do you mean we're not training together today?" she asked, brow knit deep as she planted her hands firmly on her hips.

"Just that," Zoro informed her, carrying on with his routine of stretches. "I've been trying to improve your haki for what... two weeks now?"

"Try one and a half," Lana corrected him.

"A week and a half. And we're not making any headway."

"I'm am making headway! So what, you're giving up? You just expect me to figure it out on my own from here on out?" Lana demanded. 'That's... not like Zoro. What the hell is going on in his head?'

"Psh! As if. You should know better by now," he tsked her. "I don't give up."

"I didn't think so."

"BUT... I will switch tactics if what I'm doing isn't working."

"Okay, so what's the new tactic?" Lana pressed.

"I found you a new mentor," Zoro said. The fact that he sounded so insufferably pleased with himself immediately set off alarm bells in Lana's head.

Fwip-fwip, Fwip-fwip.

The sound of flip flops hitting the deck behind Lana told her everything she needed to know. She turned, catching Luffy in the middle of a grin that put every single one of his teeth on display.

"So Zoro tells me you're struggling with your armament," Luffy announced. "I told him I could fix that easy."

"Uh... you can?" Lana asked, tone full of well-founded apprehension.

"Sure! I'll train you up just like Rayleigh trained me!" Luffy assured her enthusiastically.

"Oh... wow. Thanks, captain," Lana managed, dismay filling her. She shot Zoro a glare which he met with a smirk.

"Have fun," he told her in parting.

It was true Lana was unhinged. Zoro was crazy to the point of having been known as a demon even before he became a pirate. Yet, Lana was painfully aware that neither of them could hold a candle to Luffy's insanity.

'I am going to die,' she realized glumly.

"Alright, now we'll start with something easy," Luffy assured her. It seemed like he was trying to be comforting, but the manic energy he was giving off set Lana's teeth on edge. "All you have to do is block, okay? Easy-peasy! Now gum-gum... Elephant Gun!"

His fist loomed over her, so huge that it shaded her fully from the sun's light as it poised in the air above the Sunny.

'I had so many things I wanted to do before I died,' she thought with a resigned, melancholic sigh. 'Oh well. I guess everybody does.'

__________________________________________

"So, how's the haki coming along?" Zoro asked when Lana all but collapsed into bed next to him that night. She wasn't dead. She only wished she was.

"I hate you," she told him, wincing melodramatically as her battered body protested every movement she inflicted on it while she struggled to make herself comfortable.

"Want a back rub?" Zoro offered pacifistically.

"Don't touch me."

"Foot rub?"

"You suck."

"You're so mean," Zoro pouted. He ran his fingers through her hair, taking advantage of the fact that she couldn't really escape his soothing touch. "You'll be thanking us when you have the strongest haki on this side of the grand line."

"Just you wait til that day comes, Roronoa Zoro, I promise you're going to be the first one I murder," Lana groaned, burying her face in her pillow.

The days that followed were more of the same. Luffy's approach to haki training was as simple as it was brutal. He didn't give much verbal advice and he did not hold back. At all.

"I gotta say, I'm impressed by your survivability."

Lana was completely laid out on the deck. Luffy was an intense sparring partner, but he was easily distracted when lunch came around. While he raced off to answer Sanji's call, Lana found herself in Law's shadow.

"I can't say I've ever seen anyone take so many hits in a row without having their insides liquefied," he went on, leaning on his sword like it was a staff.

"They feel like they might be liquefied," Lana groaned.

"I could take a look if you want."

"Oh right, you're a doctor," Lana remembered. "If they are liquefied, could you fix it?"

"Fix liquefied insides?" Law smirked, rare amusement shining in his dark eyes. "Even with my surgical prowess, the only prescription for something that serious is bed rest. Or perhaps euthanasia..."

"Ha ha ha, you're a very funny guy," Lana managed dryly. "You gonna look me over or not?"

"Sure. If you don't mind, my professional curiosity would love an internal look at what your captain's attacks are capable of," Law agreed.

"Good to know where my wellbeing stands on your list of priorities."

"Did you expect it to be higher?"

"Not at all."

Law became serious, posing his fingers under his hand as a small disc swirled outward from his palm.

"Room. And scan."

Physically, Law's power was unobtrusive, but the effect it had on Lana's haki was decidedly more pronounced. Lana still associated the surgeon of death's aura with that of an enemy, a first impression that she still hadn't been able to shake. Reflexively, her haki reacted defensively to his.

"Heh," Law chuckled, his will overcoming hers as easily as ever. "Better than last time, I'll give you that, but you still can't hold a candle to me, locksmith. Just hold still and try to relax."

Lana grit her teeth, then groaned in pain as the tension in her body further aggravated her injuries. She was even in too much pain to correct his repetitive misunderstanding of her skillset.

"Well? What's the verdict, doc?" she managed. His expression was stoic, a sight crease in the middle of his forehead the only hint at what he was really thinking.

"I've noticed something about all you straw hats," he sighed, letting the room fade out of existence now that he'd examined her and ascertained the full extent of her injuries.

"We all secretly have liquefied insides?" Lana sighed, only half-joking.

"You're all stubborn and you don't take advice," Law corrected her tersely.

'He's a rather stern fellow,' Lana noted inwardly. She opted to keep the thought to herself.

"Spoken like a guy who's got advice to give," she pointed out. "Let's pretend for a minute that advising straw hats isn't a complete waste of time. If that were true, what would you say?"

"If it wasn't a total waste of breath?" Law mused. "I'd tell you to ease up for a while before you get yourself killed. Your haki can't improve if you're dead."

"Is it that bad?" Lana sighed.

"It's pretty bad."

"How long?"

"What, 'til you drop dead?"

"No, how long would I need to rest to recover?"

"What's this, a straw hat seeing reason?" Law asked with feigned shock.

"Well it's not like I'm having the time of my life here," Lana grumbled.

"Will your captain take a sick note?" Law asked dubiously. "You may not be having fun, but Luffy sure does seem to be enjoying himself."

"The training is optional," Lana assured him.

"Hmph. If you say so."

"How long of a break would it take before it was safe for me to keep sparring with Luffy?" Lana pressed.

"You shouldn't be sparring with Luffy," Law sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "The gap between you is too steep, you'll never learn anything because he's not capable of holding back enough to give you room to grow."

"I don't think that's true," Lana protested. "At the very least, I'm getting good at taking hits."

"Ah, there's that trademark straw hat stubbornness," Law griped. "You're all delusional."

"You gonna give me a time frame for resting, or am I just gonna keep pushing through?" Lana demanded.

"You should definitely give it a month of two."

"A month?! No way! Out of the question!" Lana snapped.

"Do you want to heal up or not?!" Law shot back.

"I can take a day off. Two, tops."

"That's not going to help at all!" Law all but growled, frustration overcoming his stoicism.

"It's all I can afford!"

"Why, because you'll need to answer to that psychotic swordsman otherwise?!"

"I don't answer to Zoro!" Lana scoffed.

"Don't make me laugh," Law snorted derisively. "Look, I gave my professional opinion. Ignore it at your own peril. Train yourself into an early grave if that's what you really want, see if I care."

He turned his back to her and took a few steps away, but once again, a wisp of emotion slipped past the walls his discipline formed around his intent.

"Huh. You say that, but you do care," Lana mused, more puzzled than anything else. Her observation stopped Law dead in his tracks. "This isn't the first time I've felt weird feelings from you, doc. What's that all about, huh?"

"It's rude to use your haki to go through someone else's head," Law snarled.

"Oh please, it's not like I'm doing it on purpose. If you don't like me picking up on your feelings, try keeping them on a tighter leash," Lana said with a roll of her eyes. "You gonna explain yourself or what? We don't know each other, but something in your intent feels-"

"My intent!" Law cut her off harshly. "My thoughts! It's none of your business, locksmith, so stay out of my head!"

He stormed away, leaving Lana still prone on the deck of the Sunny.

"Sheesh, touchy much?" she grumbled to herself. "A month... I can't afford to take a month off. Maybe just today and tomorrow... I wonder if I could get away with three days. Come on, body... play nice, huh? If I let us sleep for three days, you'll heal up nice and fast for me, right? Right? Damn, I really need to break this habit of talking to myself."

_______________________________________________

<== Previous Chapter

Next Chapter ==>

== First Chapter ==

[insideouttruths]

A daydream I made up when I was in middle school

I keep on digging my nails into the palms of my hands and watching the door for Ms. Pride to walk in. I know why she told me to come see her during free period, and it's not my fault. It's not like I'm not turning in all my homework, it just always happens to be a week or two late. Another minute passes, and I start to rehearse what I'm going to say to her. I know I've been behind on my homework, and not passing my tests, but between babysitting and my job, I hardly have any time to study! I swallow hard. You'll try harder, Xi. Remember to tell her you'll try much, much harder. If I fail another class mom will go ballistic on me. I don't need her back on my case, she has enough going on already.

In the hallway, an outburst of guys laughing pulls me out of my thoughts, and I turn my head to the door. The quarterback of the football team and his posse stand there, blocking the door. Irritated by their presence, I shift in my seat and turn my attention to the window. "You may join me inside, Ivory." Ms. Pride waits for the quarterback to finish dapping up his boys, and closes the door behind him. I don't bother hiding my smirk when he drops his backpack and slides into the seat next to mine. Guess I'm not the only one failing, but unlike him, I'm not failing because I'm a total moron. Ms. Pride leans on the white board in front of us, and clasps her hands in front of her olive green, suede pants. "I'm sure you both know why you're here, so I won't make this long," she says, her eyes shifting between the two of us. "You both are failing this class quite miserably, and if you don't pull it together by the end of this semester, I'm going to have to fail you both."

My ears start ringing. I knew those words were coming, but nonetheless, they are ringing. "Ms. P, you can't fail me," Ivory says, "Coach said if he sees one more failing grade I'll be benched. I'm already on probation!" I can't help but roll my eyes. "One more failing grade" means he already has one, probably two, and when any athlete gets below a C they aren't supposed to play until they improve their grades. But I'm not surprised Ivory, the most popular guy in school, is getting special treatment. He hasn't missed a minute on the field since the season started. I stare at Ms. Pride, waiting for her to bend to his charm just like everyone else does, but she seems unbothered. Good for you, girl! She moves on, "unfortunately, because of how low your grades are, there is only one thing that will save the both of you by the time the final exams roll around." We both stare at her in silence, an unbearably long silence. "Which is?" I ask, unable to handle the suspense anymore.

She smiles inwardly, and turns around to pick up to packets of paper. "You two, are going to perform a play." She drops the packets of paper on both of our desks, and in the middle of the front page it reads "A PRINCE AND THE FARM GIRL-- A PLAY WRITTEN BY VIVIAN PRIDE". She has to be kidding! I slowly turn to the first page, hoping to see a huge "GOTCHA!" even bigger than the title, but I find an epilogue instead. And then lines. To a play. An actual play. "Ms. Pride," I say, standing. "You can't actually be serious. I barely have time to finish my homework. Between my job and babysitting, how am I supposed to have the time to rehearse for a play? And then actually perform one?" I tried to stick to my argument that I practiced in my head earlier, silently praying that she'll have an understanding bone in her body, but she's not budging.

She shakes her head, "I'm sorry to hear that, but you'll have to figure it out, if you don't want me to fail you. If passing means that much to you, I'm sure you will. You're both very bright." I scoff, then flop back into my seat feeling defeated. "Unfortunately, if one of you is unable to perform, then both of you fail. This is a team assignment and will be graded as such." I look at Ivory, and he's busy reading through the play. I can't seriously be the only one opposed to this heinous idea of hers. "Why can't you just give us regular extra credit like a nice, normal teacher would?" I plead. "I am being nice. With how low your grades are, making this a team assignment allows me to grade you much higher than I would on any regular extra credit." She hands us the grading rubric, and I see what she means. She's grading us on how well we say our lines, obviously our performance, our costumes, even how the audience reacts to our performance. I want to be more irritated, but I can see how much effort she's willing to put in to make sure we, I, don't fail. Ms. Pride is my favorite teacher, and even though I completely hate this entire thing, I appreciate her not giving up on me. Even after I let my grades get so low. I slouch in my chair, left with nothing else to say.

"Where are we supposed to rehearse?" Ivory asks, closing the packet. He must've finished reading through it. "You may practice in here after school if you decide that, but I only stay late three days out of the week. Other than that you'll have to figure that out as well." He nods, and puts his play in his backpack. He's way too okay with this, and it's pissing me off. "Oh, and one more thing. This will act as your final exam. You'll be performing in class for everyone the day before your final exam." Gulp. "I really hope that you guys don't disappoint me further."

The bell for 6th period rings, and Ivory gets up and thanks her before leaving the classroom. I sit there until people for her 6th period class start trickling in, then I thank her and leave too.

Thank God we had a sub in science, and was given easy book work, because I could barely concentrate on anything. A play. I have to be in a play. With Ivory! Just me and him. The idiot quarterback that acts like he can walk on water. And what rumor are people going to spread about me now? There's no way that we can rehearse in this school, where people might actually see us together. I push aside the vocabulary worksheet that I'm supposed to be working on and pull out the play. "The Prince and the Farm Girl". Of course, he's even royalty in the stupid play, figures. I'm expecting for it to be kind of trash, but it's actually pretty good. If this were a book, it's definitely something I'd pick up and read. It's heartfelt, and funny (but it won't be if we can't pull off our lines correctly), and the lines seem somewhat easy enough to memorize. I skim through the pages for signs of when she wrote it, assuming that it was something she wrote specifically for us, but there are no dates or anything. As I'm skimming towards the end of the play, I see the work kiss, and I die. Literally. And now I'm a ghost, floating in the chair that my once alive body is sitting in, staring at the sentence in big black bold letters.

"Nathaniel pulls Nastacia into him by her waist, and kisses her passionately for three seconds". We have to kiss! Is she insane? And didn't he sit there and read through the play? Didn't he see that we had to kiss? How did he not say anything? I read through the entire play twice to make sure there is only one kissing scene. In one scene we have to touch. In another scene we have to be close to one another, but no more kissing anywhere else. Thank God. By the end of the class I've talked myself down, assuring myself that three seconds is not that long. And even if we make it two seconds, one point taken off won't land us an F. Hopefully.

After class I wait for Ivory by his locker. I keep my eyes down to avoid all of the why-are-you-standing-at-Arianna's-boyfriend's-locker? looks. He hardly notices me when he walks up, and I have to back up a pace so that he doesn't bump into me. "Oh, hey, wassup?" He gives me a smile small enough to let me know he's not actually happy to see me, but big enough so that his braces are exposed, along with his dimple. I've always loved how people looked with braces, and I have to admit, he's another one that looks exceptionally good with them. I hand him a post it that I wrote my number on earlier before the bell rang. "Text me later whenever you have time, so we can go over the, um," I bite my lip, suddenly embarrassed to say the word play for the first time ever in my life. Especially when all of his friends won't stop staring at me. They could at least try to be a little less obvious about it.

He scratches his head before taking the folded piece of paper from me. "Thanks, I will. After practice," he tells me like he really means it. I nod, give him another small smile, and rush off to catch my bus.

I'm grateful that I don't have to babysit or work today. My little brother is spending the night at his friends house since mom won't be able to bring him to the bus stop in the morning. I catch up on my history and English homework. I finish them much faster than I thought I would, so I decide to get a jump on the next two lessons of my English. There's no way I'm going to have enough time to do all my work after today. I finish at about 6:30, and I call my boss, Antonio. My final exam is in a month and I'm going to need some time off to be able to have time to rehearse. Antonio is always pressing me to make sure my school work is coming before my work work (he'd kill me if he knew how bad my grades have gotten), but bills come before both of those, unfortunately. I make sure to make the play sound like it's important enough that I cant miss it, but it's not so much of a big thing that you need to buy tickets to come see it type of thing. I don't want him knowing this is an assignment that's standing between me and the twelfth grade.

When I get off of the phone with him, I see that I have a text message.

Hey. It's Ivory.

I don't bother wasting time with texting him back, I just call instead. He picks up on the fourth ring, right before I'm about to hang up. He clears his throat, "hi, uh, h-hey," he stammers. Then clears his throat again. Is he nervous or something? "Hey, sorry I didn't text back, I figured we'd be able to figure stuff out better over the phone. Is this a bad time?" I hear a lot of commotion going on in the background, then two seconds later a door closes, and it's silent. Now I'm nervous. "Hello?" I ask. He clears his throat again. "Yeah, I'm here. Sorry, I had to get somewhere quiet, I'm not home right now." I don't inquire further. It's not any of my business where he is, nor do I care.

"Okay, so I talked to my boss and he's letting me off the hook for the month to rehearse so I'm free every day after school except for Tuesdays and Thursdays. Did you talk to your coach? You're either going to have to miss some or all of practice on the days I'm free." I get up and start pacing. It's like my body is just now realizing who it is I'm on the phone with, and how abnormal it is. I hadn't said two words to him since that horrendous week of school in the beginning of the school year, and now we are on the phone making plans to spend most of our week together for the next month! "Yeah, I talked to coach. He said that I can make up the time missed in the morning, so we'll have as much time as we need in the afternoon."

I nod like he can see me, because I'm unsure of what to say now. This was as far as I got in my head, planning wise. "What do you want to do on the weekends, and the days we can't meet?" he asks, clearing his throat again. Either he really is nervous, or he's got some serious phlegm issues. "Well, during the week we could probably just memorize lines on our own. But on the weekend... I don't know, we could meet at your place, or mine if you prefer. My little brother usually goes to his friends house during the weekend while my mom and I are working so I'll have the house to myself." I tell him. I'm about to tell him that if that's too weird we could veto that whole come over plan and just meet up at the library when I hear someone call his name in the background. So I wait in silence instead, faintly noticing my fingernails pressing into my palm. Why am I so nervous?

"Uh, sorry. Meeting up at your place sounds good. We should probably only meet up on Saturday, though," He says. "Why?" Sick of me already? "So we don't get sick of each other, and burn out too quickly," He chuckles. Ha ha. "Yeah, you're probably right," I say, faking a smile at my reflection in the mirror hanging on the wall in front of me. "So, I guess I'll see you on Wednesday then. After school, in the library?" "Yeah, I'll see you then. I won't be late," He says, and then hangs up the phone. Weirdest phone call. Ever.

On Tuesday, I don't know how (probably Ivory's big mouth, AGAIN), but rumors about this play got out. Of course most of them were stupid and elementary, but it was still embarrassing. I accidentally, and very awkwardly, bumped into Ivory during lunch, and then got asked if it was true that I was trying to steal Arianna's boyfriend again twenty minutes later. The day couldn't end fast enough. When I saw Ivory on Wednesday, I wasn't exactly jazzed to see him. Or to Run through this play with him. But he, on the other hand, looked handsomely unbothered, per usual.

I'd suggested that we just practice saying our lines for this rehearsal. Without actually acting anything out. Reading through Ms. Pride's play is like reading "How to Act Out a Play For Dummies" because she has everything we are supposed to do in parentheses. When the prince announces that he's looking to take a wife it says, (Nastacia bites her lip, and starts to lovingly day dream). When Prince Nathaniel sees Nastacia for the first time it says, (Nathaniel stands up from his seat, and stares at her in awe). She even put how there is going to be a costume change, me in rags, but then I change into this dress that makes me look like I belong with him. I chuckle at the thought of me changing into a cheerleading costume and running back into the room expressing my love for Prince Quarterback. "What?" He asks me. His dimpled grin looks so perfect on his face, and he's wearing an expression that makes me believe that he actually wants to know what's going on in my head. I shake my head "Actually," I say, "I wanted to talk to you about this whole big kissing scene." He grins and wiggles his eyebrows. "Excited huh? We shouldn't jump ahead. Let's just get through everything first. But don't worry, we'll get there." Ugh, jackass. He doesn't even bother stifling his laugh, that's okay. I'll shut him up. "No, I was actually going to say that we shouldn't even do it," I stare at him blankly. His face falls, "wait, you're serious?" "As a heart attack. I just don't feel that it's necessary to practice it. We can just do it once during the actual play. I'm sure that would please your girlfriend too."

I'm trying to read his expression, but I can't. Not really. I can't tell if he's just annoyed that I'm not dying to kiss him like every other girl would be, or genuinely just hurt. I decide it's the former given his ego, and start back reading my lines. We read through the play two more times before we decide to call it quits, and go home. Thank God this play isn't super long and boring, because I'm already starting to memorize some of my lines. Three more weeks of this and I might actually be able to get through this play with very minimal stumbling, even with the nerves.

For the rest of the week we read through our lines like we did on Wednesday, and on Saturday, after we finished reading we figured out what our costumes were going to look like. Apparently both of our favorite color is purple, so that's the color we decided on wearing. I figured I didn't need him there to pick out the costumes so I'd make it a girls trip, and invite my best friend Natalie to go with me on a later date.

"There are two weeks left until our final exam, and I'm still having to look at some of my lines!" I shout, not exactly at him, but kind of at him. "Don't worry, you'll get it. You're doing so much better than you were doing a week ago," Ivory says, taking a seat next to me. "Yeah, that's easy for you to say, you memorized all of your lines last week." There is no way this jock is smarter than me. I won't allow it! "Well I took theater 8th, 9th, and 10th grade. So this is a little more natural to me. But you're a natural too. You've got the acting part down, you just stumble through a couple of the lines. But don't worry, you'll get it by next week. I promise." He puts his hand on my knee, and like magic, my frustration goes away. What the hell was that?

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?" Arianna is standing by the entrance of the library with her arms crossed. I didn't even hear her come in. "So this is why you've been blowing me off?" He rolls his eyes, and tells me he'll be right back. I try and ignore her very snide comments about me, but she's not trying to be very inconspicuous. When they step outside of the door, I turn my back to them to give them some privacy. They don't have to know I have the ears of a bat. Through muffled shouts I get bits and pieces of their argument.

Arianna: "So, it's true. You are really in a play with her?" She hasn't known this whole time? What has he been telling her?

Arianna: "We haven't spent more than a couple of hours together in weeks!" Lucky him. "But you've been spending all this time with her." That's 'cause I'm more fun.

Ivory: "We are working on an assignment, I have to spend this much time with her." It's true, but I'm still more fun.

Arianna: "What days do you actually have to rehearse? Because I haven't seen you in weeks!" Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday.

Arianna: "Thursdays, and Sundays busy my ass!" Yikes, he really is blowing you off. You should just call it quits now.

Ivory: "Chill, you know my brother has chemo on those days. I have to be there with him!" Chemo? As in chemo therapy? As in cancer?

Suddenly, I'm not in the mood to eavesdrop anymore. But I wasn't able to ignore the series of bad names she called him before he came back inside. He sits down in the chair beside mine, and I decide to give him a minute. I'm sure he needs some time to cool down after that fiasco. Hell, I'm still trying to process some things myself if I'm being honest. My mind goes back to the phone call we had a couple of weeks ago, when he said we should take a breather on Sunday. He didn't even need to come up with an excuse as to why we couldn't rehearse on Thursdays since I already told him I wasn't free.

"Do... you want to talk about it?" my voice is almost a whisper. I wasn't sure he even heard until he sat back in his chair, and shifted to look at me a little bit. I wait for a while for him to speak, but he doesn't say anything. "When we first spoke on the phone, were you with your brother? At the hospital?" He nods. I wait a little more. This time, he finally speaks. "I'm always at the hospital. It's like I don't even live at home anymore. The only time I'm home is to shower or grab a change of clothes or to get ready for school. My mother works, a lot, so I'm there when I can be to keep him company. He gets scared if he's there by himself for too long." I put my hand over his, I can't help it. I can't imagine what he goes through everyday. How hard it must be for him. He turns all the way so that our knees are now touching.

He takes a deep breath. "How long has he had cancer?" He's looking up at me now, and I can tell that he's starting to relax. He must not have been talking to anyone about this. Except for maybe Arianna, but I doubt she's a very good listener. "He got diagnosed with it right before school started. It's in his lungs. They started him off with the chemo slowly because he's so young." I remember mentioning that his brother was six when he asked how old mine was.

"I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all of this." He shrugs as if to say, eh, it's no big deal. Everyone deals with their 6 year old brother getting lung cancer at some point in their life. "No, seriously. You've had such a hard year, and I've just been so annoyed with you thinking that your life was perfect. And after you spread that rumor about me, it was easier to just dislike you than give you a second chance." He looks at me confused. "Rumor, what rumor?" I can't believe he doesn't remember. But at the same time, he's had a lot to deal with so I guess I can. And besides, it wasn't his life he messed with, it was mine. Either way, bringing it back up is still pretty embarrassing. I shift in my seat, and turn away from him.

He pulls out my chair and turns it to face his, so that I'm face to face with him again. "Tell me, what you're talking about." Oh, he's serious. "If you don't remember, then it's probably not important," I lie, trying to get myself out of this grave that I quickly dug. "Xiomara, tell me." I roll my eyes, sigh an exasperated sigh, and put my hands under my legs. To keep my nails from digging into my palms.

"The first week of school I walked into the wrong locker room, and walked in on, and bumped into, a very shirtless, you. I was so embarrassed to say the least. I apologized like ten times, then you directed me to the girls locker room. And then later that day I saw you again, in our free period. I apologized again, and then after you assured me it was all good we just tarted talking. I thought you were a pretty cool guy, until the next day. When I found out that you told everyone I went into the boys locker room and started undressing in front of you." At every school I've gone to, I'd never really been a crowd favorite, but I had never had something like that happen before. "People were making it seem like I went in there to strip for you, and I didn't even know you!"

Ivory stands up like he was about to shout "Eureka!". "You know for the life of me I couldn't understand why everyone kept on asking me about you. Ari would seem to lose her mind whenever you came around. And I never got why you'd never say hi back or why you'd give me the death stare whenever we were in the same vicinity." I can't help but laugh at that. Because it's true. I would pray that at least one of my stares would pierce his heart and put him into cardiac arrest or something. "I want you to know I didn't start or feed into any rumors about you. I thought you were pretty cool too. I still do. Seriously." He stares at me, and I believe him. So I nod. "And I'm so sorry. That rumor must've made your life here suck." "Thank you, I really appreciate that. And I'm sorry too," I tell him. And I mean it.

It's exam day, and I'm stressed the hell out. I've memorized all my lines. Ivory and I rehearsed the play from start to finish about a hundred times, and still my heart is in my butthole. I'm sitting at the lunch table, trying to keep down my head, and my meal. Someone puts down their tray right in front of me, and I look up, shocked to see Ivory sitting down. "What are you doing?" I whisper, like lowering my voice is going to make me invisible. After Ivory and Arianna's huge fight in library, they obviously broke up, and the entire school believes it's my fault. So I've been trying to keep the lowest profile. Him sitting with me at lunch is like me putting a sign on my back that says "do your worst". AKA the exact opposite of a low profile.

He starts talking to me about the play. Asking me questions to make sure I'm fully prepared. Completely ignoring my "what are you doing?" from earlier. I answer all of his tedious questions, and even run through some of the lines I've been struggling with. He brings up his monologue right before our kiss, but then the bells rings, and I can't get away from him fast enough.

Ms. Pride introduced to the class that we were going to be putting on a play. She had to other students volunteer to memorize the play to fill in the "rest " of the cast. Probably so we didn't look extremely stupid talking to no one during the scenes only one of us were in. Which, I'll admit, makes this a lot less embarrassing. Ms. Pride is going to read through all of the narrating parts. She even has a back drop, and a play list. Ivory walks down the hallway in his old timey costume, and I think Ms. Pride picked the perfect part for him. He's too handsome for his own good, and he's strong, both inside and out. Like a prince should be.

I smooth out my rags, I'm nervous. Ivory nudges me, "we got this, don't worry. It'll be great. Every part. I'm sure of it."

Ms. Pride reads the epilogue, and Ivory hears his cue to walk in. When he does, the classroom bursts into applause. My stomach flips, I know I won't get that same appreciation. I really hope we can pull this off. On my cue, I walk in. Just like I practiced. Keep my eyes off the crowd. Do it just as we rehearsed. You'll be fine.

And for the first time, I'm right. As we get into the play, the lines just start flowing. As well as the acting. The audience laughs when they are supposed to, and I even got a couple of "ooh's" when I come back in in my "riches" dress.

And then, it's the kissing scene. Ms. Pride narrates: "After what seemed like forever, Nathaniel finally found Nastacia sitting on a tree stump by the river." Ivory walks over to me, and takes my hand. I stand to meet his loving gaze. Sounds of birds chirping and water flowing play in the background, filling the silent spaces. I'm nervous again. My left hand grips the side of my dress, to keep from my fingernails digging into them. Ivory notices this and grabs my other hand. I shake my head, "shouldn't you be off, getting ready for your wedding? Why are you here?" "I couldn't go through with it, Nastacia. I won't. My parents can't make me marry who I don't want to. That's my choice." He drops my hands like he's supposed to, and walks a few feet away from me, his back to me. I'm about to say my line, when he speaks. "But, I've made my decision," he says, turning to meet my gaze. There were two more lines I had to say before his monologue started, what's he doing?

"Before I met you, I thought I really was just going to have to settle for the woman that everyone thought was supposed to be by my side. But the day we met, instantly, I felt something different." He takes a step toward me. It's taking everything in me to not look at Ms. Pride. I know she knows he's going off script. He's going to cost us our A, what the hell is he doing? He continues, off script, "there was a certain sweetness, and honesty about you that no other woman I've ever met possesses. You're funny, and smart, and incredibly beautiful." He takes a few more steps again, so that he can get ready for what's supposed to come after his speech. He hesitates, but then he puts his hand on my face. Off script again. "I'm sure it'll be difficult at first, but everyone is just going to have to accept it, because I won't be with anyone but you. Nastacia, I love you. I am in love with you." My eyes betray me as they fill with tears. I keep trying to tell myself that I'm just moved by his really good acting, but I know that's not true. And this is no act that he's putting on, not for me anyway. He is looking deep into my eyes, clearly waiting for me to say, or do, something. "I don't know what to say," I tell him, shaking my head. And it's true. I can hardly wrap my mind about what he just said, and the fact that he went off script, I don't even know what to say next. I only know what comes after the kiss.

He chuckles, "say yes. Say you'll be with me." Something about the look in his eyes (and the fact that he completely changed his monologue) tells me that he doesn't just mean in the play. And something in me tells me that I don't want to miss this opportunity. To miss out on being with him. So I nod. "Yes," I say. And just like that, he's back on script. My mind follows the description as he follows Ms. Prides written words. "Nathaniel pulls Nastacia into him by her waist, and kisses her passionately for three seconds". This is the closest I've ever been to him, and I breathe in his sweet cologne before our lips touch. The kiss starts off sweet and soft. Then he puts his other hand on my cheek, while my hands gravitate to around his waist. He followed Ms. Pride's description to a T: the kiss is undeniably passionate and amazing. It was like our lips belonged together. One, two, three seconds pass, but we keep going. At some point my hands are in his soft, curly hair, and all I can think is I wish we had rehearsed this kiss weeks ago.

[lynne-monstr]

hi it's the anon who's stopping by, I hope you're doing well! I can't really say the same for myself unfortunately, I've been doing pretty badly lately. I'm starting to feel hopeless and like I've ruined my life and that's how it will always be from now on, even though objectively I know that can't be true. surely ten years from now my life will be completely different from how it is now, and I'm only in my mid twenties, I'm only getting started. but yeah although my brain knows that (sometimes), I still feel terrible... although right now I feel stuck and don't know what to do to improve my situation, hopefully things will get better, and hopefully they'll get better soon.

anyway I'm sorry for being a downer in your inbox. I did want to say thank you for your tips on making nice salads. I haven't had much of a chance to give them a try yet, but I will, and what you said about identifying what the problem is really helped me figure out why I don't like salads and potential ways to address it.

as always thank you for being such a nice and positive force on my dashboard, I always enjoy seeing your posts! I hope you have been enjoying the summer and getting to wear your summer wardrobe, I think you mentioned that last time I wrote! have a nice rest of the week!

hi there anon! i'm so sorry to hear everything is crappy right now.

I can definitely relate to experiencing that gap between knowing something and believing in it. it's a frustrating headspace to be in. i hope it's helpful rather than being annoying to hear, but I know many people who didn't start down their current life path until their 30s or 40s. you're so right about life being different in 10+ years. definitely still lots of time for good things to happen. i'm sending lots of happy thoughts your way! i hope things get better soon💙💙

and yes, I'm enjoying the summer, thanks! i love cute skirt weather and balcony weather and flip flops weather. and it's nice to be able to run outside again. i know a lot of people hate the heat but i prefer it to the freezing cold so i'm very happy right now (even if my air conditioning bill makes me want to cry).

thank you for the nice words. it's lovely to hear that my silly ramblings can help brighten someone's day. it's been a rough year and the positivity is hard-won. i'm going to keep taking it one day at a time and, until proven otherwise, will continue to assume/hope that each new day is a good one.

[solarishashernoseinabook]

Solaris reviews Murder as a Second Language, by Joan Hess (2013)

Me: I should've turned this book into a drinking game. Take a shot every time it's racist. Take two every time Claire's a bitch. etc etc Angel: You'd be dead. You'd be in an ambulance and Claire would be withholding your insurance card

Content: I thought the first eleven pages were bad and rage-inducing. Folks i had no idea what I was getting myself into, oh my god.

Who I think would like it: Someone who likes cosy murder mysteries, who feels like turning their brain off for a bit to read something low-stakes.

Things it does well: On a purely technical level, the writing was competent. No major plot holes, unless you count Claire flip-flopping about her motivation to volunteer. Red herrings are successfully set up and disposed of, and clues were laid effectively.

Things that could be improved: The dialogue was a major weak point. Exposition was shoved into sentences without any thought to how difficult that would make them to read, and Caron didn't talk like a seventeen year old. Keiko's grasp of English (as well as Jiang's, frankly) got better or worse depending on the paragraph. The racism, of course, was bad, but Claire was by far the weakest point in the novel. I've read trashy books, but never have I read a character so unintentionally unlikable. Not all protagonists have to be good, upstanding people, but they should at least be compelling - think Fight Club, or The Godfather. Claire was neither likeable nor compelling, I can't see any interest she and her husband have in each other besides wanting to bang, and Caron is an insufferable brat. I'm glad my time with them is over.

My review: The last book I reviewed that was anywhere near this terrible was The Great Zoo of China. As I vented about this book on Discord with Angel, I couldn't help but compare them. The Great Zoo of China is objectively worse on a writing level. Riley's writing was repetitive, basic, and kept defining words for us (you'll recall the line, "The hole was already four storeys - or forty feet - deep."). And, while Claire and Caron were unbearable characters, at least they were characters - no one in TGZoC had any identifiable personality. Initially, I was firm in my conviction that TGZoC was more racist, but by the endpoint of MAASL I was starting to rethink that. Riley's racism was very targeted, specifically calling negative attention at the Chinese characters in his book. Hess's racism is equal-opportunity: everyone who's not a White US American is a fair target for stereotyping and hate. Riley's racism was extreme enough that I don't see most people openly agreeing with it - remember, Riley openly stated that Chinese people are inherently uncreative and only useful as manual labourers to help white people. Hess's racism is banal, common, the sort of thing your apparently decent co-worker might let slip one day without realising they said anything off while you're left scrambling at how to explain that it's not okay. Both are damaging and hurtful in their own ways, but Hess's is so much more normalised that many of her readers are likely to laugh it off as a joke, or try to forgive it by saying Hess is a product of her time. Look, I like cosy murder mysteries. Sure, a lot of them are the equivalent of literary potato chips, but I still read them. But there are much better ones than Murder as a Second Language, so don't waste your time on this one.

Does this book have…: ✅= yes ❓= not sure ⭕= possibly/mixed ❌= no Romance? ✅ Claire is (supposedly) happily married, and keeps going on about her dream husband. Miao and Jiang are engaged, Caron and Inez are boy obsessed, and dating features heavily in the background of the book. Sex? ✅ No on-screen sex or masturbation, but there are frequent references to it. The only thing Claire and Peter seem to like about each other is the possibility of sex, and references to their escapades are frequent in the novel. There's also a perverted old man in a senior's centre who sexually harasses Claire (all in good fun, apparently (sarcasm)) and also tries to grope her. Racism? ✅ So, so, so much. The best I can say for this book is that, unlike TGZaC, it didn't drop any quasi-slurs. I've covered the racism against Asian characters, but Hess is no better towards anyone else - one the book's two Black character is very large and physically intimidating to every white woman who meets him, and Claire automatically assumes any Arabic men she encounters are violent and misogynistic. Sexism? ✅ Yes, with a racial element. All three of the East Asian women in the book are small, demure, and youthful. It's considered a twist that Keiko, the program co-ordinator, is old enough to be married with kids. Miao exists only to be a sexual object for the men around her. On the other hand, the Eastern European women who feature in the book - Ludmila, a Polish woman, and Yelena, from Russia - were both written with sexist, unflattering stereotypes of loud, overbearing, tough European grandmothers. LGBTQIA-phobia? ⭕ Remember in the 2000s, when "metrosexual" was used to insult any man who brushed his teeth and wore clean clothes? Yeah, Hess unironically uses that term on page 20. Other than that, no mentions of queer characters at all. Ableism? ✅ ⭕ One off-hand use of the term "psychopath" at some point, but that's about it Swearing? ❌ Drug/Alcohol references? ✅ References to marijuana with the sort of gravity typical of the early 2010s, and a lot of drinking - as well as the implication that various characters drove tipsy References to or actual violence or suicide? ✅ Well, it is a murder mystery, after all. In addition, Greg's former wife died by suicide before the story starts, which is referenced in detail later on. References to or actual animal death or cruelty? ✅ ⭕ There's references early on to a dead bird left for someone to find as a threat, but nothing on-screen

Recommended: Hells no