#and figured other ppl would like to read my thoughts as well

[lobotomy-lady]

How did you figure out you were autistic? I know this is gonna sound ignorant because I am ignorant but from my very limited interactions with those on the spectrum you act pretty differently. You are heavily sarcastic and seem to understand when someone is joking in your asks versus not even over text. Idk. I know there's like levels and stuff but you seem pretty socially aware and funnier than most so now I'm just like what makes you different from a neurotypical? I tried googling about autism and it seems a lot of high functioning people have like sensory issues and are picky eaters but like, is that it ? Just curious

I am not self dx so I never "figured it out", I was diagnosed aspergers (back when that was the dx for high functioning tism) when I was 6, my mom took me to a psychiatrist. at that time I was selectively mute-ppl at school thought I was incapable of speech bc between ages 4 to 9 didnt talk at all except at home to family. I had frequent meltdowns due to emotional regulation problems and also cuz of severe sensory issues (sound, the feel of clothing which led me to wear the same outfit every day for years, temperature). Even when I started talking a little more at school I was TERRIBLE socially. I was made fun of constantly & didn't get what i was doing wrong but they always thought I was weird & they thought it was funny that I didn't understand that I was being made fun of until they started laughing & even then i didnt get what i was doing wrong. It didnt help that i was 5'9 and 140 pounds by age 9 I was very aware I stood out a lot both physically & behaviorally

So yeah like most kids on the spectrum I was bullied relentlessly for the childhood years due to my social ineptitude and general awkwardness & it continued until I managed to group in w/ the other unpopular "weird" girls with bad social skills in junior high. Still friends with some of them. So i wasnt as much of a target then tho I was still gossiped about, ppl started a rumor that I never bathed due to my habit of wearing the same thing every day (I had multiple versions of that outfit but not as if they would know). Special interests were a huge thing too obv. I read probably 8 hrs a day mostly books related to space or when I was younger dolphins.

But anyways, bc of my experiences when I was younger I knew I had to learn to assimilate, or mask as I later learned it was called. I studied that shit like it was my PhD. I learned how to talk enough (but not too much!) I learned how to make eye contact (but not too much!!), learned how to be playful but not be rude, learned to run to a bathroom before having a meltdown in public, learned to buy different clothes out of similar material, to not be seen eating the same exact food every day for months. Learned how to not infodump about an interest unless I knew the person cared about it. I had learned most of this well enough by halfway through high school to stop being seen as a total freak, & by adulthood I was not only not BAD at socializing but actually GOOD at it, tho it still was (and is) exhausting & requires a lot of recovery time alone.

Anyways tldr basically my point is the person you perceive now was constructed out of necessity to avoid being a pariah forever which is what I knew would happen if I didnt change. I was an autistic kid & now I'm an adult who very easily passes as allistic. I've been doing it so long that most of it doesn't take much effort anymore. I've always been good at learning things. sarcasm and humor can be learned & I've been at this awhile needless to say

[scarletiswailing347]

im having a schizoid moment but also i do gen think this cause ive thought this for a while now, i think im far too negative to be in fan spaces man

like it used to not matter cause nobody knew i existed but then ppl did start knowing i existed and now ccs know that i exist as well and despite my efforts to show up in tags less that doesnt change the fact that there are ppl who know who i am and see and spread my posts and if i cant post whatever i was feeling at the moment while liveblogging then i just dont see the point in liveblogging at all

[discotitsposts]

meant to be

Spencer trying and failing to flirt with you because you are oblivious to his attempts.

spencer reid x reader

i picture this as later seasons spencer maybe sometime around 12-14?

some mature themes mentions of sex at the end so 18+

writing this because i saw something about people who are bad at flirting and that’s literally me. (i hope ppl get the reference w the nickname)

Spencer had tried every day to get your attention romantically. It didn’t work. Nothing did. You were so oblivious to all of his flirting attempts. He figured maybe you had trouble understanding so he worked harder to make you think of him as more than a friend. He tried everything his genius brain could come up with.

He even made up a nickname for you, Bean, because you always had a coffee in your hand, and because he was taller than you.

Today you were getting coffee with him as usual. At your favorite coffee shop and library. You didn’t work at the BAU so you would eventually have to go to your own job so Spencer decided to try again.

Since you lived in the same building, neighbors in the same hall, he picked you up every morning. Drove you to get coffee and you each picked a book for each other and then he drove you to work.

He knocks on your door awaiting anxiously. You come out in your outfit, just a t shirt and jeans. you didn’t have a dress code at your job, you were an author and usually went into a nice office that the publishing company provided to write since you had a hard time focusing in your apartment. Too many distractions.

In Spencer’s car you make small talk as he tries to think of a way to flirt with you. Normally he’d call Morgan but his son was a toddler now so he was busy. He gets so lost in his head he doesn’t realize he just ran a stop sign on accident and almost hit someone.

He hears you yell “Spencer what the fuck!” and slams the brakes. The other car honks and his heart is pounding in his brain. He pulls to the side of the road and stops.

“Spencer. Breathe. It’s ok.” You worry tracing your face at the sight of his extremely fast breathing and you rub his back reassuringly.

“Holy shit.” He barely chokes out. His face is beet red and he looks like he’s about to have a panic attack.

“Switch.” You tell him. He looks at you and feels comforted immediately by your face. “Let’s go, switch.” You get out of the car and switch sides.

��So much for flirting’ he thinks. Then it hits him. When he picks your book for the day, he’ll give you a romantic story. Something that says ‘I really like you but I’m an idiot so I don’t know how to tell you but i’m not actually an idiot because im technically a genius but my fucked up life has ruined romance for me but i’d love to try it with you if you are okay with that.’

When you take over driving you don’t talk. You just focus on the road. You had even turned the music off. He hopes you’re not upset with him. That thought quickly dissipates when you pull into the parking lot and your face is beaming. You both race to the entrance and he gets there first and opens the door for you. You stick your tongue out at him and he smirks.

You order your usual drinks and he gets himself a breakfast bagel and you get a croissant. He puts the food at a table and you both get up to grab each other a book. You had yours picked since last night, The Godfather. It’s only a little over 400 pages so he’ll probably finish it by lunch time but at least it will be fun for him since it will make him think of you. At least you hope it does.

You have a habit of making funny commentary during movie nights. When you watched ‘The Godfather’ trilogy with Spencer he had laughed so hard he cried.

Meanwhile Spencer is searching rows of books looking for the right one. He moves to poetry but nothing feels right. He feels slightly frustrated so he moves back to classics and picks ‘A Little Princess’ instead. A favorite of yours you had read in elementary school. Not romantic but shows he knows you well.

When he makes his way back to the register to check the book out, you’re already seated munching your croissant. He makes his way to you and hides the book behind his back. You discreetly pull yours out of your bag and hide it the same way.

“1,2,3!” You both count at the same time and then reveal your books. Spencer cracks up when he sees the book you had picked. He had read this before but he enjoyed it because it reminded him of you. You both eat and finish your coffees. You look at each other.

“More?” Spencer asks.

“Obviously.” You answer. You both stand up and order more coffee.

Back in Spencer’s car you open the book and start reading. He’s about to put the key in the ignition when sudden confidence hits him. He doesn’t know if it’s the caffeine but he doesn’t care. He should kiss you right now. He stares at you until you look up.

“You’re going to be late for work if you don’t start that engine up soon Mr. Chauffeur.” You tease him.

He leans closer and puckers his lips slightly. He’s so filled with lust he just can’t wait anymore.

You look at him strangely. Was he trying to kiss you right now? Probably not. Truth was you were always so filled with doubt whenever you liked someone. Especially Spencer. He was just too handsome and sweet and perfect.

He leans in even closer to you and tilts his head. You, however, had gone back to your book and weren’t even looking at him.

“Does this make you uncomfortable” Spencer leans in closer. He closes his eyes and you lean down to reach for something from your bag. He doesn’t feel your soft lips on his and thinks he may have missed your face. He opens his eyes.

“Everything does. I have anxiety Spencer. All the time anywhere day and night. ” You reply while eating a yogurt you had found in your tote.

Spencer pulls away and smacks his forehead. He starts the car and drops you at your work and drives to the BAU feeling defeated. What would it take for you to realize how bad he wants you.

That night he decides to drop by your apartment. You had gotten a ride home from work by a friend tonight. He opens his door and walks the short distance to yours.

When his hand knocks on your door he feels nervous. You open the door and greet him.

“Hi!” You cheer.

“Hey, I was gonna order a pizza. You want?” He lies. He actually wasn’t the biggest fan of pizza. He didn’t eat it too often but it was your favorite food so why not.

“That would be great. I’m starving.” You clutch your belly dramatically. Which makes Spencer laugh.

He picks up the phone, “What would you like on the pizza m’lady.”

You tap your chin and think. “Sausage.” You reply. Spencer thinks of a way to flirt. Kind of.

“How much sausage would you like?” He asks smirking.

“Uhh, 5? I don’t know dude. The normal amount that goes on a pizza?” You answer sarcastically, going to your dvd rack to pick a movie. Spencer sighs. He calls and places the order and helps you pick a movie.

“How about ‘How To Be A Serial Killer?’ That’s a good one. I love Matthew Gray Gubler in this one so much.” You fan girl a little.

“Who the fuck is Matthew Gray Gubler? Also, no, not with my line of work. I need a break from that.” Spencer asks with a hint of jealousy in his voice. You clasp your hand over your heart dramatically.

“Ok, fine. how about a Disney Classic? Sleeping Beauty is my favorite.” You ask. Spencer nods. You put the movie on and grab two root beers from your fridge. Spencer thanks you when you hand him one and you lay a big fluffy blanket over you both. Not far into the movie the pizza arrives and you cheers Spencer with your pizza slice.

After you both eat and are full the movie is still on. You’re starting to feel sleepier by the second. Spencer offers you to lay with him and you take him up on it. He’s basically a giant teddy bear. He’s so warm and comfortable.

“I’ve got a real life sleeping beauty right here.” He whispers to you. You smile with your eyes closed. Too sleepy to open. He gets out from under you, to your dismay. He cleans up the trash from eating. He even washes some dishes you had left sitting. When he comes back, you’re still half awake. He sees you sneak an eye open to look at him and your smile after.

“It seems there’s a fair maiden who has fallen asleep. However can we wake her? What if she sleeps for a hundred years?!” He exclaims. You start giggling softly. He leans closer to observe you.

��I don’t believe it! She’s laughing in her sleep! Must be quite a funny dream. Wonder what it is. Only one way to find out.” He gently leans down and kisses your lips softly. This action puts you in shock and you’re blushing. He starts to pull away because doubts fill his mind. You grab his hair and pull him back in.

You both pull back and he starts to ask you,

“Were you ok with that?”

You cut him off, “Yes.” Then you rip your shirt off. Spencer’s in shock. He follows your lead and starts undressing. He picks you up and carries you to your bedroom. The kiss you’re sharing is deepening by the second.

“Fuck why is it so hot in here.” You complain.

“I can think of a few reasons.” Spencer had been kissing you on your neck sucking the skin softly. He lays you back on the bed. He makes you comfortable. He goes down on you and then fucks you like you’ve never been fucked before.

The next morning you woke up naked next to him flashes of last night replaying. You couldn’t believe it. Spencer was so passionate! You didn’t even imagine he liked you like that.

He groans next to you and turns over. You get up and put on some coffee. When you come back into the bedroom he’s awake and looking for you.

“Hey, coffee’s ready.” You lean over and kiss him. He groans too tired to give an answer. He pulls you into the bed and holds you longer.

With him, this felt so easy and realistic.

Then you realize something.

This was meant to be.

the end ♡

to anyone who read this far: hope u enjoyed reading!! please let me know if u enjoyed! xoxo

[erinwantstowrite]

Hi I know you mentioned you being aroace just a couple days ago and I was wondering if maybe you could explain more in depth about how you found out your sexuality and what not? If it’s not too personal…

I’ve always sorta struggled since I haven’t had any crushes as a kid except for maybe one and that’s just cause ppl kept asking me who mine was… so I don’t even think it was a legit crush?? So not only do I not know who (looks,gender, that sorta thing) I would like … am I ever gonna like someone to even find that out???

I know you said Superman on the new trailer was hot ahaha so do you still experience that sort of physical attraction? I’ve been told when people question which gender they like, to pick which one looks more attractive to them but I’ve never really experienced that sort of physical attraction so I can’t tell that way either…

I think any thought of a crush forming was more towards their personality as well. Looks I guess are more of a second thought I think..? Even then I can’t tell if this is “you’re such an awesome person I wanna be besties with you” really strong feeling or an actual “I wanna date this person” feeling.

The only person I’ve gotten really close to discerning it as officially crush was someone from work who was older by a good amount… which can be/is pretty weird.. Lots of people my age are just a little too crazy for me.. I guess??? Idk and even now I can’t tell if that was just “glad to have someone as a friend sorta thing. I’m really sorry if this is too personal and u don’t have to respond to the ask directly either I was just hoping on maybe some advice for some clarity if possible… as I get older and realize I’ve never dated/had that sorta infatuation it feels so excluding at times.

Also I am hoping for a feast AND desert with this “‘soon’ but still haven’t posted it two days later” chapter plz and thank you

I hope this made sense and wasn’t too invasive!! :(

when i was younger, i was reading about this kind of thing online and i didn't find anyone like me. i think it's about time that i come full circle and make my own post. i've got like half of my frontal lobe developed and i've been figuring out a lot of things about myself these past couple of years, and there might be someone out there who needs to hear this (´-`ʃ♡ƪ) so if anyone is interested, below the cut is a very long talk about how i figured some stuff out

when it came to my sexuality, i only started considering it when i was in middle school, going into high school. (which would be when i was 12-13). that's when a lot of my friends started having crushes on our classmates and i realized they were being serious when they said they had crushes on people. they had figured out their identities as being a lesbian or bisexual, and they had relationships. (or as close as you can get to that in middle school).

i started to panic and think that i was lagging behind. and i really started to repress my feelings about dating people and romance and what that would entail. i found out through the internet about being pansexual. at the time i thought "oh, they have the same attraction for everyone!" and i slapped it on myself because i thought it would fix everything. i even came out to my parents as pansexual and for a while i left it at that.

i had an idea of romance. i shipped characters in media and i knew that my parents really loved each other. there were a lot of examples for love in my life that weren't the best, but having two parents that actually did care about each other made me want that for myself in the future...

but that's in the future. i personally didn't think about it much because we were still kids. for a while i didn't think anyone else was being serious, that they were just trying it out quicker than i was ready for. it was a strange feeling. i guess i still believed we were playing make believe, or copying what we saw on TV or with our parents. often when my friends asked me who i had a crush on and i felt pressured, i would pick someone that i thought i wouldn't mind dating if i had to. someone would be "interested" in me and i would say "okay" because i felt like that was part of this game we all seemed to be playing. i've had a few "boyfriends" over the years that got people off my back when i had them. in elementary school it was this boy that didn't pick on me, another boy that was my parents' friend's kid. in middle school i had an online boyfriend and a couple of "crushes" on friends of friends, someone just a little far out of my circle that didn't shake anything up. my friends would help me get together with a person and they'd seem so excited for me, so i just went along with it.

then it hit me that they weren't doing it just to do it, or playing pretend. they actually felt something when they were interacting with their crushes. i started to reread books and rewatch media and really grasp what they were saying. the feeling of having butterflies inside them when they talked to each other, blushing when something was said? i thought that was about a general anxiety people get when talking to other people. but there was always something more to it that i just... didn't get. no matter how hard i tried, i didn't understand what that something was.

then started coming the pressure to do the same, to fit in. that's why i accepted a label of pansexual. it was "strange" but at least it didn't feel "broken." i could deal with people telling me that i was wrong for liking more than just boys. but to say that there was no one on the table gave me an anxiety i'd never felt before. like i would be letting down my family, that the entire course of my life would shift. i wouldn't walk down the aisle because there would be no wedding. my parents wouldn't have grandkids. my friends would go on to have lives completely separate from mine, we'd have nothing in common anymore. so i stuffed it all down and made myself believe that this wasn't who i was.

it really mixed me up because i did have a couple of "crushes" that felt real. there were a few girls i was friends with, there were boys in my classes (usually class clowns...) that i'd get excited to see every day. when i thought about dating them, it felt nice. any other time when i thought about dating someone, i'd get this awful feeling in my gut that i later realized was dread. i was fully convinced it was different from all the other times. that "different" that i didn't understand before.

it was different! but not for the reason i thought it was. those people made me laugh, they listened and remembered things about me (that i didn't get much of during that time of my life), and most of all: they didn't like me back.

there were literally no expectations in their eyes for things to go away from friendship. and i think that's what made me like them, but not as a crush. it was relief. there was always an expectation for other people (specifically boys) that if we were friends, things would stray from friendship at some point. not with these people. that relief, combined with all the other good feelings they gave me (class clowns...) made it so much easier to fall into a friendship that i didn't have with other people. and i was in denial for so long that i thought of those friendships as crushes because they were different from other friendships.

there were a couple of times that i got close to having to face my sexuality and it felt like a gut punch. there were a couple of people i was friends with (that i didn't have crushes on) that i had previously thought "if i had to pick someone" about. but when they actually told me their feelings, i would run away. in one case, i literally ran away. i changed my entire routine so that i wouldn't have to face them. and i'm a creature of habit, so of course i took that step back and asked myself why i was having such a strong reaction. my friends didn't understand why i was so panicked about these confessions. especially because before, i "liked" people and had no problem with it.

part of my feelings were that no one would actually like me (which only furthered me not wanting/not considering romance). some of the confessions that i got were fake/pranks, and it would really mess with my head. i wasn't skinny, i knew i was strange and awkward, and i could be very brash and stubborn. i had a weird sense of humor and i missed social ques. i got a lot of "you should be a lawyer" and complaints of being bossy when i was growing up and i always knew they really meant "you're a bitch." i wouldn't understand why i felt so othered from my peers like that until i learned i was possibly autistic, and i only found that out a couple years ago. combined with being plus sized and not conventionally attractive, i didn't get much breathing room. if i wasn't perfectly calm all the time, if i didn't force myself to be overly nice to people, and if i wasn't funny, i'd get told i was "draining" to be around.

i did a lot to try and fit in. i kept my hair long because people would compliment it, i tried to wear skirts instead of pants/shorts, i'd wear comfy clothes and the like so i didn't look like i was trying too hard. a lot of my personality was forced and i was the one who was being drained instead. i ended up having to get a radar for when people were just messing with me. and so when a real confession happened, there was a combination of anxiety about if they were faking or not, doubt that they could actually like me, and then a deep rooted fear about if they were being serious.

instead of the relief i should have felt when i learned it was a real confession, i still felt scared. it would be the same anxiety as if someone asked me to get on the world's tallest roller coaster in the world and i had just seen a chunk of the roller coaster fall in front of me.

that part made it even harder to come to grips with my sexuality. i thought if i gave up on being a hopeless romantic, i'd be giving in to all the times someone told me "I just don't see you dating anyone." being unlovable was a death sentence in my eyes. and it didn't help that i've lived in the south all my life. i was already strange and going to hell for a multitude of things. turning around and telling them that i was going against every expectation set of me to get married and have kids by 24????

(i should clarify that my parents had never been the ones to put this in my mind. when i came out as pansexual, they had only been confused about what the hell that was. the rest of their reaction was "i mean... we could already sort of tell." and while my parents had hopes for my future, i knew deep down that while they'd be a little sad not to have those expected memories with me, they wouldn't turn me away. and they would very likely be happy to create a whole different set of memories with me.)

i have my current friends to thank for me coming to terms with who i am. by the time i was in college i had started to question everything. my middle school friend group had been majority queer but we had gone to different schools or just faded apart. in high school, a majority of my time was spent in band. and while i was one of those people who had friends in a variety of friend groups, the closest friends i had were the people in my section that i sat next to every day. and in the present time, only a couple of them remained straight churchgoers. even though they've changed now just like i have, during high school i was a different story.

going to college opened me up to a far different experience. by this point i'd shifted from pansexual to bisexual. my college experience wasn't... ideal. or really healthy in any aspect. but meeting these people did dislodge the mindset i'd had for most of my life. and my current friends have changed my life. the fear that i had about being aromantic has now become the relief i needed my entire life. it doesn't feel broken, or wrong, or strange. sometimes i do feel sad about it, or question if this is really the case. maybe one day i'll meet someone who shows me that "different" feeling i'd been waiting to understand. but i grew past the societal expectation of needing a partner to be fulfilled in life and i'm so much happier.

life doesn't need to be about that partner. i have many, many friends and family to grow old with. i have a godchild!! one day i'll have my own house to celebrate holidays and achievements at, to host my friends and family. i'll have pets that i love and i'll have my own career, and i'll be happy because i never needed to fit expectations to be happy.

when it comes to anything sexual, it's sort of the same feeling as when i had "crushes" on people in real life. though also different? i don't look at real people and feel an attraction beyond knowing that they are attractive, objectively. i can feel attraction sometimes in a physical sense, but i have no interest in having anything personal happening between us. a fictional character has no interest in me, and so it feels safe to think that they're hot and to express it. like sure, yeah, i have a crush on them! i get giggly when Captain Smoker from One Piece shows up on the screen, and the new Superman makes me think "oh! okay!" but if they were real and in front of me? i'd probably... lose that attraction, like it was never there.

here's the kicker, though, and might sound weird at first: you don't have to put a label on yourself

yeah, i do consider myself aroace. but the world is ever changing and so is the human experience. it helps to have a basis, to understand your feelings and work through them. it's nice to be like "there is a name for this" and to find a community through that. i'm not saying there's anything wrong about figuring out your identity and saying "I'm this, this, and this!" nothing at all wrong with that. but we're all figuring ourselves out, all the time. it doesn't end when you put the label on. you have the entire rest of your life to continue learning things about yourself and the world around you. i wish i'd known in middle school that i didn't have to rush it, that i have every opportunity to take it one phase at a time. a human life seems fleeting, especially when you're looking back on your past and feeling like the time flew by. but that's just our perception of it as we look back.

what i mean to say it that it's okay to backtrack. it's okay to change your mind. it's okay to not put a label on it. it's okay to put a label on it. it's okay not to tell anyone, if you don't want to. it's okay to say "i'll figure it out." and it's okay if you don't. it's okay if you sit up in bed one day when you're 60 years old and go "that's what it is." as long as you live your life listening to yourself and not trying to meet an expectation you think you have to, then you're doing it right.

and it's okay if you lived your life like i did, and you didn't do any of that. being a human is messy and that's part of life. you're not gonna get it right the first time- but even then, sometimes you will! there's a nuance and a spectrum to everything you experience. take pride in who you are even if you don't have a clue yet. be kind to yourself. you're gonna be okay.

[hrtzstargirl]

Sa'yo lang puso ko. (My heart is yours).

Hanni Pham.

Synopsis: You thought it was just her and her friends singing at the back of the classroom, a thing they always do every recess and every day. But soon, you noticed that whenever she sings a love song she's always looking at you, but you brush it off thinking it was nothing. But boy, were you so wrong.

Pairings: non idol!Hanni Pham x fem!reader

Songs: Gitara by Parokya ni Edgar. Sa'yo by Silent Sanctuary LISTEN TO THE SONGS GUYS! I LOVE IT VERY MUCH, it sooo romantic

Warnings/side notes: FLUFF. Classmates to lovers (Don't do it guys, it hurt so bad), Story takes place in a Philippine high school, alr ppl ik, why did I made it like that? Well simply because the song is OPM (Original Pilipino Music) and it fits well in that setting since most high school students found love (yuck, don't mind me I got broken hearted) few tagalog words, don't worry I'll put translation for u guys because I love u and I want you to read it (I just wasn't able to finished that minji fic I was talking abt) that's all, enjoy💙

--

The once silent classroom—well except for the teacher speaking—was broken once the teacher said his goodbyes and left.

You sat next to the window, scribbling down notes since you don't want to do it once you got home. Your friend—Wonyoung is too busy fixing up her make up to give a damn about anything.

Rei, on the other hand, is too busy munching food as she watched Wonyoung with a furrowed eyebrows, "I just don't understand why you have to fix your make up every five seconds. It's perfectly fine."

"Ugh, no! If I feel like it's not, then it's not." Wonyoung responded, too busy looking at her hand mirror and fixing her foundation or was it blush?

You don't know since you only glanced at her one time, "Hey! Why are you writing down notes? Wag mo na gawin yan!" (Don't do it!) Rei noticed you.

"Tsk, tinatamad ako gawin sa bahay, dito ko na gagawin." (Tsk, I'm too lazy to do it at home, so I'm doing it here.) You said without turning to look at them.

"Leave her be, she just wants to play games when she got home." Wonyoung snickered.

Rei nodded in response, munching on her snacks. "Hays, gaming talaga priority mo, Y/n," she said with a laugh. (Gaming is really your priority)

Before you could respond, the classroom door swung open, and Hanni walked in, her presence immediately capturing everyone's attention. She scanned the room briefly before her eyes landed on you.

You two locked eyes for a brief moment before Minji bumped into her shoulder 'accidentally', "Ay, sorry bro, hindi kita nakita, liit mo kasi." (I didn't see you, you're small)

Hanni glared at her, walking toward the back of the classroom with her guitar but not without stealing one more glance at you.

You felt a flutter in your chest as Hanni stole one more glance at you before settling at the back of the classroom with her guitar. Her presence always seemed to have an undeniable impact, and you couldn't shake the feeling that there was something more behind those glances.

Every recess, Hanni and her friends would gather at the back of the classroom, their voices harmonizing as they sang their favorite songs. It was a routine you had grown accustomed to, one that provided a pleasant background to your daily activities.

At first, you thought nothing of it. It was just her and her friends, enjoying their time together, singing their hearts out. But as days turned into weeks, you began to notice a pattern. Whenever Hanni sang a love song, her eyes seemed to linger on you, her gaze soft and meaningful. You brushed it off, thinking it was just a coincidence.

But boy, were you so wrong.

Minji looked back at Hanni, then at you, then at Hanni. Something seems to click in her mind because she made a shocked face before letting out a huge grin. She walked over to Hanni quickly, sitting down next to her on the floor as Hanni tune her guitar.

"Bro, alam ko na." (I figured it out/ I know) Minji wiggled her eyebrows at Hanni annoyingly.

Hanni look at her in confusion, "Know what?"

"You like Y/n."

Hanni froze, she slowly turn her head towards Minji with a shocked look on her face. "WHAAT?"

Minji nodded excitedly. "Yeah dude, I figured it out earlier when you glanced at her before coming here at the back. You weren't so subtle you know?"

Hanni's face turned a deep shade of red as she stammered, "N-no, you're mistaken. I just... I mean, it's not like that!"

Minji chuckled, clearly enjoying her friend's embarrassment. "Come on, Hanni. It's obvious. You always look at her when you sing those love songs. Just admit it."

"I'm not admitting anything! I don't like her, you're delusional!"

"Yes you do! Ask Yujin or Minjeong, they also know! They're the reason why I figured it out quickly." Minji said a bit loud, causing a few heads to turn—except yours.

"SHHHH! You talk too loud, they'll hear us." Hanni whispered fiercely, glancing around nervously.

Minji grinned, clearly enjoying Hanni's discomfort. "Relax, no one’s paying attention. But seriously, why don't you just talk to her? What's the worst that could happen?"

Hanni sighed, fiddling with the strings of her guitar. "It's not that simple, Minji. What if she doesn't feel the same way? I don't want to make things awkward between us."

Minji placed a reassuring hand on Hanni's shoulder. "Hey, it's a risk, but it's one worth taking. You might be surprised by how she feels. Just give it a shot."

Hanni glanced over at you, deep in conversation with Rei and Wonyoung, oblivious to the discussion happening at the back of the classroom. She took a deep breath, feeling a mix of anxiety and determination. "Alright, I'll think about it. But no more talking about this here, okay?"

Minji winked at her. "Got it. But remember, I'm rooting for you."

As Hanni watched you laugh with your friends, she couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to share her feelings with you openly. Maybe it was time to take a leap of faith and see where her heart would lead.

Without a thought, her hand moved on its own, as Hanni's fingers moved effortlessly across the guitar strings, the familiar tune of "Gitara" by Parokya ni Edgar filled the classroom. Everyone knew this song, and it had a way of captivating anyone who heard it. She began to sing, her voice soft yet filled with emotion.

The strumming of guitar catches your attention because the tune is one of your favorites.

"Bakit pa kailangang magbihis?

Sayang din naman ang porma

Lagi lang namang may sisingit

Sa t'wing tayo'y magkasama"

Hanni's eyes found yours, and for a moment, the world seemed to fall away. She didn't even realize it, but she was looking directly at you as she sang.

"Bakit pa kailangan ng rosas

Kung marami namang mag-aalay sa'yo?

Uupo na lang at aawit

Maghihintay ng pagkakataon"

Her voice conveyed a depth of feeling that resonated with you, making your heart beat a little faster. The lyrics seemed to hold a personal message, one that was meant just for you.

"Hahayaan na lang silang magkandarapa na manligaw sa 'yo

Idadaan na lang kita sa awitin kong ito

Sabay ang tugtog ng gitara

Idadaan na lang sa gitara"

You couldn't tear your gaze away from her, the connection between you both growing stronger with each note. It was as if she was pouring her heart out through the song, hoping you'd understand what she was trying to say.

"Mapapagod lang sa kakatingin

Kung marami namang nakaharang

Aawit na lang at magpaparinig

Ng lahat ng aking nadarama"

The emotions in her voice were palpable, and you felt a mixture of surprise and warmth. Could it be that she had been trying to tell you something all along

"Pagbibigyan na lang silang magkandarapa na manligaw sa'yo

Idadaan na lang kita sa awitin kong ito

Sabay ang tugtog ng gitara

Idadaan na lang sa gitara"

Hanni continued to sing, her eyes never leaving yours. The moment was filled with unspoken words and emotions, the music bridging the gap between your hearts

'Pagbibigyan na lang silang magkandarapa na manligaw sa 'yo

Idadaan na lang kita sa awitin kong ito

Sabay ang tugtog ng gitara

Oh-oh-oh-oh, idadaan na lang"

As the song drew to a close, the room was filled with a charged silence. You could see the vulnerability in Hanni's eyes, too scared and shy to do anything, you stood up following your friends out the classroom. Giving her one more glance and a soft smile before leaving.

"Wow. I was just about to say that you could confess to her in this event the school is holding next week but uhh that could work too? Wait—did it work? I think it didn't" Minji's voice rang beside her.

Hanni sighed, looking down at her guitar. "I don't know, Minji. I couldn't even see her reaction properly. What if she didn't understand what I was trying to say?"

"Well, don't worry, you can do it again! Look here." She placed her phone right in front of Hanni's face, the other girl flinched before glaring at her and taking the phone from her hand.

"Oh, Christmas event?" Hanni asked, her curiosity piqued.

"Yup! It's a new one, you know how they always don't make events like this, it could be a chance to confess properly!" Minji said excitedly.

"Now before you refuse. You couldn't actually. You're one of the people that will perform on stage."

"What? Me?!"

"Yea, Ma'am Santiago already chose you, she said you couldn't back out since you've got the best voice in the class and everyone loves your performances."

Hanni groaned, running a hand through her hair. "I can't believe this. I'm not ready for this kind of pressure, Minji."

Minji laughed, patting Hanni's shoulder. "Relax, Hanni. You've performed plenty of times before, and you've always nailed it. Besides, this is your chance to make your confession extra special. Imagine singing a beautiful song and then telling Y/n how you feel in front of everyone. It's like something out of a movie!"

Hanni sighed, her anxiety mixing with a hint of excitement. "I don't know, Minji. What if I mess up? What if she doesn't feel the same way?"

Minji shook her head, her expression serious. "You won't mess up, Hanni. And even if things don't go exactly as planned, at least you'll know you tried. That's better than never knowing at all."

Taking a deep breath, Hanni nodded. "You're right. I'll do it. I'll make sure my performance is perfect, and I'll use this chance to finally tell Y/n how I feel."

Minji beamed, giving Hanni an encouraging hug. "That's the spirit! Let's start planning your performance and make it unforgettable."

Two figures joined them on the floor, the familiar faces of their friends—Yujin and Minjeong munching on snacks as they settled down beside Hanni and Minji.

"What's up with the serious faces?" Yujin asked, raising an eyebrow as she took a bite of her sandwich.

Minji grinned, gesturing towards Hanni. "Our dear Hanni here is planning a grand confession at the Christmas event."

Minjeong's eyes widened in surprise. "Really? That sounds exciting! Who's the lucky person?"

Hanni sighed, feeling a mix of embarrassment and anticipation. "It's Y/n."

Yujin and Minjeong exchanged knowing looks, both of them nodding in approval. "Good choice," Yujin said with a smile. "Y/n's a great person. But are you ready for this, Hanni?"

Hanni took a deep breath, her determination growing stronger. "I think so. I want to give it my best shot."

Minjeong patted Hanni's back encouragingly. "Don't worry, we're here to support you. We'll help you practice and make sure everything goes smoothly."

Minji chimed in, "Yeah, and we can even help you come up with the perfect song for your confession. It has to be something really special."

Hanni smiled, feeling grateful for her friends' support. "Thank you, guys. With all of you backing me up, I feel more confident."

As they continued to discuss and plan, the anticipation for the upcoming Christmas event grew. Hanni knew that this was her chance to finally express her feelings to you, and with her friends by her side, she felt ready to take that leap.

--

It was nice to say that Hanni was shaking, today is the day she's going to confess to you. Well more of a confession via singing a song not exactly like the typical words "Hey, I like you for a long time now, please go out with me?" No, Hanni wasn't a straightforward person; she preferred to do things her own way—through music.

She stood backstage, clutching her guitar, feeling her heart race. The Christmas event was in full swing, and the festive atmosphere did little to calm her nerves. Minji, Yujin, and Minjeong had been by her side all day, offering encouragement and support.

"Remember, Hanni, just breathe and let your music do the talking," Minji said, giving her a reassuring pat on the back.

"You've got this," Yujin added, her smile warm and confident.

Hanni nodded, taking deep breaths to steady herself. The sound of the crowd cheering as the previous act finished echoed through the hall. It was almost her turn.

As Hanni stepped onto the stage, the bright lights momentarily blinded her, but she quickly adjusted. She took a seat on the stool, her guitar resting on her lap, and glanced out at the crowd. Her eyes quickly found you, sitting near the front with your friends, looking up at her with a curious expression.

You didn't expect to see Hanni up on stage with her guitar. No one had mentioned that one of your classmates would be performing. As the spotlight illuminated her, you felt a jolt of surprise and curiosity. What was she going to play?

Hanni took a deep breath, visibly nervous, but as she began to strum her guitar, a familiar tune filled the room. Her voice, soft and melodic, resonated through the hall, and you recognized the song immediately. It's your favorite song—one that tugged at your heartstrings with every note. Sa'yo by Silent Sanctuary.

"Minsan, oo, minsan, hindi

Minsan, tama, minsan, mali

Umaabante, umaatras

Kilos mong namimintas"

As she sang, her eyes remained locked on you. The connection was palpable, and the lyrics seemed to be a heartfelt confession.

"Kung tunay nga ang pag-ibig mo

Kaya mo bang isigaw?

Iparating sa mundo"

You felt your heart racing. Was she singing this just for you?

"Tumingin sa 'king mata

Magtapat ng nadarama

'Di gustong ika'y mawala

Dahil handa akong ibigin ka

Kung maging tayo

Sa'yo lang ang puso ko"

As Hanni's voice filled everyone's ears, the sincerity and depth of her performance were undeniable. The music carried her emotions, and you couldn't help but be drawn in.

"Walang ibang tatanggapin

Ikaw at ikaw pa rin

May gulo ba sa 'yong isipan?

'Di tugma sa nararamdaman"

Each verse seemed to echo her unspoken feelings, revealing a side of Hanni you had never seen before.

"Kung tunay nga ang pag-ibig mo"

You watched, captivated, as Hanni poured her heart out through the song.

"Tumingin sa 'king mata

Magtapat ng nadarama

'Di gustong ika'y mawala

Dahil handa akong ibigin ka

Kung maging tayo"

The next part is where everyone sings their heart out, the part where your heart almost jumps out your chest.

"Kailangan ba kitang iwasan?

Sa t'wing lalapit, may paalam

Iba'ng anyo sa karamihan

Iba rin 'pag tayo

Iba rin 'pag tayo lang, ahh"

The drums kick in, and Hanni's voice picks up, transforming the slow, beautiful melody into something more intense and emotional.

"Tumingin sa 'king mata

Magtapat ng nadarama

'Di gustong ika'y mawala

Dahil handa akong ibigin ka

Kung maging tayo (kung maging tayo)

Kung maging tayo (kung maging tayo)

Kung maging tayo

Sa 'yo na ang puso ko"

As the song reached its powerful conclusion, you felt a rush of emotions that left you breathless. The entire room seemed to vibrate with the intensity of Hanni's performance. The music had bridged the gap between your hearts, and you knew in that moment that her feelings were genuine and deep.

Minji appeared beside you, a wide grin on her face. "Hi! Come with me." She didn't even let you respond before grabbing your hand and dragging you up onto the stage.

"Hey-what?" you exclaimed, bewildered as you found yourself standing next to Hanni, who looked equally surprised.

Minji gave you a playful push towards Hanni. "Well, since you two clearly have some feelings to sort out, I thought you might appreciate a little nudge," she said with a wink.

It feels awkward with everyone's intense and confuse stares directed at you two.

"Minji, this wasn't part of the plan!" Hanni whispered-yelled, her cheeks burning bright red.

Minji just grinned, completely unfazed by the attention. "Relax, Hanni. Sometimes plans change, and this is one of those moments," she said, giving Hanni a reassuring pat on the back.

You couldn't help but feel a bit embarrassed too, but seeing Hanni's flushed face made you want to ease her nerves. "It's okay, Hanni," you said softly, squeezing her hand gently. "So what's going on?"

You glanced at Hanni, whose cheeks were flushed with a mix of nerves and excitement. She took a deep breath, her eyes locking onto yours. "Y/n, I... I just wanted to say that the song I sang was for you. Everything I felt, everything I wanted to express, was in those lyrics."

"It uhm, means that I uh... Like you for a very long time, I know I wasn't subtle, those times we were singing at the back, those love songs was meant for you, I don't know if you've felt it.

Your heart swelled with emotion, "Hanni, I felt it. Your music spoke to me in a way words never could. Trust me, I wanted to talk to you about that but you did it first. And I want you to know that I feel the same way."

The crowd around you erupted in cheers and applause, but in that moment, all you could focus on was Hanni. She smiled, her eyes shimmering with happiness.

"Really? You do?" Hanni asked, her voice trembling with emotion.

"Of course, that song is my favorite," you continued, your smile growing wider. "And hearing you sing it made it even more special. It felt like you were speaking directly to my heart."

Hanni's face lit up with happiness, her eyes shimmering with emotion. "I'm so glad you felt that way, Y/n. I put all my feelings into that song, hoping you would understand."

You nodded, feeling a sense of warmth and connection. "I did, Hanni. And I want you to know that I'm grateful you had the courage to share it with me. Your music really speaks volumes."

You cupped her cheeks gently, staring into her eyes. The world around you seemed to fade away, leaving just the two of you in a moment of pure connection. Hanni's eyes, filled with hope and emotion, looked back at you with a depth that took your breath away.

"Hanni," you whispered, your voice trembling slightly with emotion. "I've never felt this way before. Thank you for sharing your heart with me."

Hanni's lips curved into a soft smile, her eyes glistening with tears of happiness. "I'm so glad you feel the same way, Y/n. This means everything to me."

You leaned in closer, your foreheads touching, both of you basking in the warmth of the moment. The festive lights of the event cast a gentle glow around you, making the scene feel even more magical.

With a tender smile, you closed the distance between you, your lips meeting in a soft, heartfelt kiss. The world seemed to stand still as you both shared this intimate moment, the culmination of all the emotions and unspoken words that had brought you to this point.

The crowd around you erupted in cheers and applause, but in that moment, all that mattered was the connection between you and Hanni. The kiss was a promise of the beautiful love story that was just beginning, a story that would be remembered long after the music had faded.

This moment became the happiest day of your entire life.

[thatdeadaquarius]

imagine if reader is given an ancient scripture from around the time humanity founded out how to write and do the alphabet (somehow it was preserved so well that you can still see the words with no issue)

and it's the most heart wrenching, soul crushing, tear inducing, hyperventilating, sanity disappearing angst, misunderstandings, hurt/no comfort, it gets worse but never better, major character death, unrequited love story to have ever existed in teyvat.

and after reader goes through the whole thing, they can barely talk or breathe properly with how much they're crying.

(even better, it was smut not angst and reader is staring ar the scripture, jaw dropped to the floor with shaking hands.)

STOP- I avoid fanfics like that at all costs 😭 id stop reading it after the first angsty event LMAO

Im like... too emotionally affected by fanfics, esp angst ones 💀

Its just, ppl who write closer to my generation or just very psychologically honestly, are like fucking deadly writers. Got my day ruined and shit w/just fanfics 😭

LMAO THE GIF IS JUST YOU ON THE SPOT NOT EVEN HALFWAY THRU-

☆

Sun: Gender Neutral Reader (you/they/them)

Orbit: Short! Headcanons-ish

Stars: my first of the Fontians!! Fontainianes? Fontainains?? u get it

Comets & Meteors: Content Warnings: sobbing, discussion of vague smut/NSFW book at the end, okay for Teen/Mature audiences, & Trigger Warnings: none known.

no but it’d be hilarious if u got this crazy like hand-width deep tablet for each “page” of the book, like how every novel or info in genshin is like one page at a time 😭

Sumeru and other international academics are literally constantly harassing politely requesting your translation of these and sending them to you in whichever country you’re visiting at the moment

Fontaine was even more complex and pretty in real life than it could ever be in game and i can def see you at like Neuvillette’s office or a nice french fontaine cafe and just WHAM

huge ass tablet bc as much as the fic tortures you, you have to know what the fuck happens to these miserable idiots

Neuvillette, Clorinde, and Lynette are all the type to immediately try and dissuade you from reading it again, bc from their point of view you just pull out this huge old rock and start sobbing quietly about 10 mins into the read every time 😭😭

(unsurprisingly, Neuvillette would even go so far as to get the Marechaussee Phantom to sneakily steal ur most recent tablets of the story to hide them, which sucks for you LMAO)

Freminet, Wriothesley, Navia, Lyney, and Furina,all frantically try to distract you, and also theyre in order of who would be the most dramatic w/it lmao

NO BC I JUST HAD THE THOUGHT-

Ur tears absolutely are top priority to Neuvillette and Furina so when they inevitably find the memories in them (and the traveler too maybe)

of what the story is about, except its like all the feelings and stuff, so like its the best “translation” they get of the book so far, u best believe it rains for a week straight

it started out as a light drizzle, but as Neuvillette “read on” in ur tear’s memories if got worse HAHA

mans is out here trying to convince himself like, “this is a classic tragedy from eons ago, its about a human romance, im definitely unaffected, though im glad i could figure out what ails My Majesty so”

meanwhile the story gets worse and its just like that meme “ohHHhhhHH its got a little kiicckkk”

Neuvillette nearly floods the streets by chapter 5 when the miscommunication happens and then they cant get in contact with each other to fix it lmao

LMAO I JUST HAD A VISIONNN

ur in fontaine and while yes drinks were popular (like obv fonta)

business is rlly booming bc now everyone you know (like the Vision-users or archons Neuvill, etc) all have develop this habit of having a water bottle or drink on them to offer you when u start reading to rehydrate you 😭😭😭

Navia, Clorinde, Neuvillette, Wriothesley, Lyney, Lynette all have a handkerchief on them at all times too 😭😭

Good God-

the moment you translate the now instant Shakespearean-level tragedy classic, it is a known tear-jerker thruout all of Teyvat,

like theres trigger warnings and age limits and shit 💀

◇

on another note,

if its smut,

ur desperately combing thru all the tablets and wall carvings and cave paintings to try and lowkey cover it up LMAO

and its not like a story with a smut scene either, its like what anon said,

just fully like the ao3 tag “Porn What Plot/Porn With Plot”

STOP

not u yanking the tablets out of Neuvillette’s hands when he curiously picks them up one time lmao

(he is now invested in getting these translated too bc of ur reaction lol)

☆

consider supporting me with an iced coffee? :0

Spooky Season! Spooky Season!! Spooky Season!!!

still not dead btw

just got hired at my new job so ive been training and busy!! :)

im a host at Olive Garden lol its weird and kinda hard, my feet hurt a lot and i havent had a full shift yet ;-; its a brand new one so it opens the 23rd

dw that eldritch one shot is still coming btw, just talking with betas and editing it now lol

hope if you read this you have a great upcoming weekend!!

Safe Travels Anon,

💀♒

☆

If you wanna join a taglist, DM me what for! "Pspspsss, please tag me for [All SAGAU posts, Only SAGAU Language AUs, diff fandom, etc.]!"

(If you ever wanna drop, just DM me! "No more taglists/[specifically this AU/fandom] please!")

☆

♡the beloveds♡

@karmawonders / @0rah-s / @randomnatics / @glxssynarvi / @nexylaza / @genshin-impacts-me / @wholesomey-artist / @thedevioussmirk / @the-dumber-scaramouche / @chocogi / @fallen-starr / @areaderofbooks / @devilangel657

[awsugar]

speaking of questions that exercise very mcr specific muscles in your brain. i was perusing mychem tumblr the other day and came across a masterpost about the SS/mayo blog frerard lore (i’m aware frerard is not PC these days thanks obama). i’ve been a dedicated fan for over a decade now and my brain is an mcr lore bank but i had literally never heard of this. do you know about it and if you do what are your thoughts

omg yea. ss/mayo is crazy. and unfortunately a lot of it has been lost to time and its not even saved on wayback. theres some stuff thats convincing, theres some stuff thats not.

so like lets preface this by saying that the ft willz myspace? confirmed to be frank. and obviously the stuff posted on skeleton crew, those screenshots of ft willz works that look like theyre on burnt paper? yea so those are confirmed and those are real fully frank no questions.

i personally am a skeptic of other accounts that claim to be ft willz. like the tumblr? i do not think thats frank. and i think that came at a time when people had already really speculated or figured out that ft willz WAS frank. so like i think the tumblr is honestly just someone who was pretending to be frank and managed to sort of emulate his style but yea i don't think it's him. i think the reason some of the stuff hits so hard in a frerard sense is because that was intentional by the person writing it. you know.

anyway ss and mayo. there were two blogs on blogspot started in 2007 i believe that fans thought were frank and gerard. well it started with mayo (its-mayonaise.blogspot.com). that blog is still up and so are a lot of the posts but i think a lot of them have been deleted as well, and not saved anywhere on wayback. im sure theyre on someones hard drive out there but i haven't seen them. then a blog appeared called iamthemodernprometheus.blogspot.com. some of those posts are still up but most are gone. that was ss/sss/shitsubou shita/frank (allegedly). ss started interacting in the comments on mayo's blog. and i think i may have read some mayo blog posts back in the day but i haven't been able to find them to answer this one. i just remember when i joined the fandom most people thought it was gerard.

now here's a couple things of evidence. THIS is a blogspot comment thread where people who have saved some of ss' blog posts put them in the comments. and yes obviously it could be an elaborate hoax by two fans who were invested in frerard. but like these things were being posted as it HAPPENED. you know? idk i wasnt there in 2007. but 2007 was when the fanfic took off and we really informed a lot of our perception of what happened with frerard on things like ft willz/stuff that happened on stage/and a lot of these posts really fit into the timeline. i would recommend reading that because its kind of hard to believe its like. a teenager pretending to be frank. it really just SOUNDS like frank. and he's really writing blog posts. basically to gerard lol. it gives the impression that they were on tour together (projekt rev) and doing the Thing but like there was def tension going on behind the scenes and we already know that thats true. frank didn't like eliza and thought gerard was moving too fast, the imnotokay.net post came from someone in mcr's camp that ppl thought was frank (or maybe brian) and then tbh its happening again?? just months later? it makes complete sense that if frank thought gerard was moving too fast with eliza that he DEFINITELY thought he was moving too fast with lynz getting MARRIED to her backstage just a couple months? after breaking off his engagement with eliza. anyway just read the comments. its very easy to believe its frank.

and then the other peice of evidece i found in this reddit thread: x comment in particular by u/ReallyKapu. they say that they have always gone by Kapunua online and that they met frank at a lm show, gave him a hat with the inscription 'sss' inside and later on he thanked them for it on the blog.

sure enough:

from what i've read it seems like the blog was actually a community. there were people who followed it and made friends in the comment section. and it does seem implausible but it looks to me like frank saved all of his gifts from tour and then made this post specifically thanking people for them. the person who claims this is them also says that they don't think mayo is actually gerard but that frank thought it was.

and i've seen stuff saying that if it wasn't gerard it was probably someone close to the band because they had like information that was posted on the blog that wouldn't come readily available (or make sense) until the show the next day.

anyway, i wasn't there for this. i was on the forums and twitter and tumblr for a LOT of mcr history but this was a little before my time and i think if i had been there OR if the blogs had actually been preserved in some way that i might be able to form a better opinion. i think theres a lot of evidence for frank, not sure about gerard. but i won't claim that it's true either bc we really don't know and this one i don't think we ever will!

[endemise]

long ramble, progress update, & potential release timeframe below:

hii! i got a lot of coding done and i think im finally satisfied with how the game looks (for now…)

here are some screenshots of what some of it will look like on mobile!

the friendship and romance levels shown in the relationship menu are just random as is the blurb for Aesop’s thoughts, they’re just for the example! (also characters thoughts are hidden by default, you click to reveal, then hide, them)

the stat bars were giving me hell but i finally figured them out with the the help of some forums and tumblr posts

i liked how in when twilight strikes by evertidings, the menu buttons (i.e. profile, stats, relationships) are listed at the top of the page so i took inspiration from that! and the many IFs that have a splash (?) screen at the beginning with the title

compared to when i started using twine (i think august 2023 was the first time i gave it a try), i’ve learned so much and there’s still so much to learn as well, i think coding has become my favorite part (making things looks pretty hehe)(with the help of amazing templates & ppl smarter than me, they do the heavy lifting fr)

with all the coding done (appearance wise) it’s lock in time for the revised prologue and chapter 1

the prologue has undergone a fair bit of change with the help of feedback & i’ve (hopefully) better established the setting and story.

some things that have changed besides wording and sentence structure, etc.: being able to choose what you did as a job (ex. working at the family inn) and meeting a new character (more like an old friend?)(no spoilers:))

some things i’ve been considering (SLIGHT SPOILER FOR CH.1 MAYBE): merging the revised prologue and chapter 1 into just the prologue bc chapter 1 differs a bit from the other chapters, but then the prologue would maybe be too strange timeframe wise? it’s a time skip after the events of the prologue (is that considered a spoiler, i don’t think so but???) that connects to the next chapters so maybe it’d just be better as its own chapter? or dropping the revised prologue by itself along with the updated ui/appearance then chapter 1 sometime after, or dropping the revised prologue and chapter 1 together, idk these are all just ideas i’ve been thinking about maybe i’ll do a poll

if you have anything you’d like to see, for example a specific job your MC worked, certain personality traits, or something like that, feel free to let me know & i’ll take them into consideration! i think now is the best time to add things bc it’s early development days & it’ll be easier to do so now than later

i’ve also decided to lean a little more into the supernatural aspect which i’m excited for (one specific thing really, i can’t wait to get to it🤭) the story’s world itself is fairly grounded in reality (as in the supernatural is unknown to most) but i’m looking forward to exploring it more

what you’re probably reading this for: depending on how i end up going about the prologue-chapter 1 merge decision & whether anything is added from requests/feedback, i’m aiming for a june release, july at the latest (fingers crossed). now that the appearance and function coding is complete (besides stat/choice tracking & other story related things), finishing the writing and coding it in is all that’s left

my schedule has done a 180 & some things are less than ideal at moment but it should all (hopefully) go smoothly from here! should anything change, i’ll let you all know

anyways, that’s all i have to say for now! ty for being patient & for reading this mess, i appreciate you all :)

[cripplecharacters]

Feel free not to answer this question as it's more a research-type question, I'm just not sure how to go about finding what I need: do you happen to know any fiction books with portrayals of medium to high support autistic people that are considered realistic and positive? All I can find is rep of low support autistic ppl (unless it's in semi-educational children's books) and it's making it harder to figure out how to write medium to high support autistic ppl myself.

Hello!

When I was diagnosed, it was before the levels were used (Or at least before they were used where I lived). I suspect that I would be considered 'level one autistic' today but would likely have been 'level two', bridging into 'level three' as a child. This is all just to explain my perspective with this.

That being said, here are some of my recommendations:

A Step Toward Falling by Cammie McGovern

I just finished this book earlier today and while it isn't specifically about autistic characters, it does feature several autistic characters with high support needs as well as other disabled characters. The book is written from the perspective of two characters, one of which is developmentally disabled (Belinda). Although her disability is never specified, I do see a lot of autistic traits in Belinda. The premise of this book is a bit heavy. It's about two characters (Who are not disabled) who end up volunteering at a centre for adults with developmental disabilities. One of the things I appreciated about this book was how well rounded the characters are. Each of them has their own stories, interests, and ideas. I also like how it discussed sex and relationships in the context of people with developmental disabilities. Something to note is that this does have some sensitive topics such as ableism, sexual assault, and bullying. It is also written by a parent of an autistic child but, as far as I'm aware, the author herself is abled. I did have some conflicted feelings about specific parts of it but I'll leave that for you to make your own decisions about. Target Audience: Young Adult

How to Speak Dolphin by Ginny Rorby

I also read this book recently and I personally really disliked it. There were several scenes that made me feel very gross and I found that the autistic character was dehumanized very often. One line that stuck with me was another character about a blind character, essentially saying, "I thought she was going to drown herself. If I was blind, that's what I would do." Although the character does get to know the blind character and changes her mind, it really felt awful to read and seemed so unnecessary -- especially given the target audience. The way it talks about blindness in general bugs me. That being said, I have seen several autistic people recommending the book (Which was why I read it in the first place) so I'll include it here anyways since my opinion seems to be in the minority around this book. Target Audience: Elementary/Middle Schoolers This is a brief review from another autistic person. [Link]

Planet Earth is Blue by Nicole Panteleakos

This book centers around Nova, a young autistic girl with high support needs. Nova is a foster child who is missing her older sister and the story is told through a mix of narrative, letters to Nova's sister, and flashbacks. It's been a while since I've read this book but I remember really enjoying it (And maybe crying a little bit too). The author is autistic herself and also consulted many other autistic people with a variety of experiences, which I appreciated. Target Audience: Middle Schoolers This is a more in-depth review on the book from a reader who (I believe) is also autistic. [Link]

These are also a couple books that I've seen recommended but can't personally recommend as I haven't read them myself yet:

Real by Carol Cujec

Remember Dippy by Shirley Reva Vernick

I know it's not very much but hopefully it's enough to get you started! If anyone has any recommendations for anon, feel free to mention them in the notes.

Cheers,

~ Mod Icarus

[channelinglament]

Self Aware HypMic?

(What kind of rabbit hole I'm falling in?)

It goes as if you did this 2 ways

- You played the game

- You watched the anime/read manga

(If u didn't it's alr tho)

Let's begin!

.

.

.

☆

'Kay, so game verse and anime/manga verse are kind of different. Even the game name says "alternative rap battle" instead of division rap battle.

(I assume u already know TDD Era and stuff.)

.

.

It was another mundane day of your life. Pillows surrounded your figure, as you flipped pages of the manga (online or not, up to you). Your drink of choice nearby you, ready to be drank and yet, you are too preoccupied with a manga that you recently found out about. This past months, you've been listening to drama tracks, the songs and reading the manga. The storyline is quite complicated in the beginning, but the more you read, the more you understand. You felt so many emotions during the reading process. Sadness, anger, happiness, love. You were so hooked on it.

Unbeknownst to you, figures inside the said manga were having an existenal crisis. Nothing really new to Ramuda, but you get me. The days have been going as they used to. Rap battles went well. Nothing seemed out of place except for the strange feeling. The feeling of being watched. No one understood why did they feel this way. It was not a stalker was it? They became paranoid, until they started hearing voices. Who is it..?

.

.

.

First ones to become self-aware: Ramuda, Rio, Saburo, Kuko(?), Sasara, Iris, Gentaro, Doppo, Otome.

Everyone finds out or accepts it later, then the characters I listed.

I think some of them hated you, some didn't mind you, while others ignored you. They thought you would leave after a while, and yet, you stay. Why are you watching them?

For some reason they can somewhat feel what you feel towards them. Perhaps their universe is intune with your emotions? Would...would they all die if you stopped liking them?

Their world seems to constantly change as well. Why? Some days you were watching them, and sometimes talking. Other days you..sang along with them? Tried to help them sing better? Helped them during some battles..? (Game moments)

It certainly took everyone a good while to warm up to you. Some warmed up quicker than others (Dice and Jiro, they thought you were some guardian angel or something. Like- you're helping them fr)

.

.

I'll expand on this suff and world building later. Now, let's move on.

.

.

(I may write for Secret Aliens, but I don't know them much so idk)

Depending on reader's age, it will be a romantic or platonic piece.

Reader is 18+?

Romantic: Ichiro, Jyushi, Kuko, Jiro(?), Dice, maybe Nemu.

Others are platonic

Reader is 25+?

Romantic: MTC, Hifumi, Doppo, Ramuda, Gentaro, Sasara, Rosho

Others are platonic.

Reader is a teen?

Romantic: Saburo, Jiro.

Everyone else is platonic. Even this, depends entirely on age of the reader. (I have a few 13+ readers, and more 16+ readers)

Reader is 30+?

Romantic: Jakurai, Hitoya

Others are platonic (I don't write for Rei)

I honestly am 15, so I feel more comfortable with characters that aren't older than 20 heh.

Aka Saburo, Jiro, Ichiro, Kuko, Jyushi and etc.

Even tho I stated in 25+ as platonic, I know that ppl who r 25 can date ppl 20+, so yeah, you may specify if romantic or platonic? Tbh I don't know much abt adult relationships sorry.

I don't write for Rei

Also Hifumi warming up to reader depends on gender (We all know why)

Everything else goes by my rules, pinned post :^

Masterlist

[moonchildstyles]

announcement/sneak peek

happy spooky season everyone!!

ive never had the time to do something like this, but ive finally timed it all right and I'll be posting a halloween/spooky centered fic for this season! and, for the first time ever, I'm trying out a mini-series kind of format! if its something ppl like and interact with ill def consider doing this more!

anywayyyyyyyy, starting next friday, the 13th, on patreon I will begin posting my new mini-series called Oleander for early access! two weeks later on friday, the 27th, tumblr will begin the story!

it's a three part mini series with darker themes and ideas than ive ever worked with before! i don't usually spoil too much of the stories but ! this is another vamp h story!! very different from my previous vamp h though!!!

this will be my last big piece of writing for the year before I go on my break, and I'm so excited for you guys to get to read it and get to know this new story!

under the cut, I have a sneak peek attached! I also have a Pinterest board you can look at if you want to get a feel for the story!

—————

She hadn't misremembered, it appeared. His eyes really were almost black, just barely tinted a forest green—if the forest in question was being spotted in the pitch of night, only a sliver of the moon and stars above allowing any clarification.

Her heart jumped in her throat, running faster than it had any reason to when their eyes met. She forced herself to swallow it down.

"Sorry, sir," she muttered, unable to pull her gaze away from his even if she instinctively wanted to look anywhere else. "Did you find all you were looking for?" 

"I did, yes." His voice was a lulling rumble, rounded and heady as if the goal was to lure her nearer. If not for the table separating them, she would have fallen for it.

Offering a quiet smile, she gave him a polite nod. 

No other words were exchange, as per usual for his visits. The Count wasn't much for conversation and idle chatter like the rest of the village. Instead, she could feel him watching her as she counted up his herbs and the price of each bundle. 

He was buying the same ones he always did: winter savory (he switched to chamomile when out of season), tobacco, and lavender. 

The buds together created a confusing scent, adding to the mishmash of what the apothecary already was. She couldn't imagine that he would put these three together in any space of that castle, the mixture too aggressive. 

Though she tired her best to concentrate on only the herbs, (Y/N) was too aware of the static of his presence. She wondered what he thought when he came down to the village, what he thought when he interacted with people like her. He was always so stoic. He never gave anything away, though that didn't stop the village gossip from running wild about him.

Swallowing around her dry throat, heartbeat bubbling against her ribs, she matched his gaze. The pricing for his bounty came out on buzzing lips, "Sixteen shillings please, sir." 

He didn't bat an eyelash at the price despite it being the biggest single purchase her father's apothecary would see until the next time he ventured down. Instead, he looked at her with his dark eyes and a tic in his jaw. He was unbearably handsome, made of cut edges and smooth planes, but he always looked at her as if he were angry and working to bury it down. She could never figure out why or what exactly made his nostrils flare or his jaw tight when he spoke to her, but she hoped she wasn't the only one he reacted to like this. 

His hands moved quickly, pulling out a small pouch of tinkling coins before he plucked out the exact amount for her. For a moment, she could see bank notes tucked inside the pouch as well. While she wasn't surprised that someone like him would have that kind of wealth, she had never seen it before with her own eyes. 

Passing off the change to her, his pale fingers grazed her open palm. Goosebumps immediately raised across her skin, his touch feeling as if he had been standing in the dawn's dew for hours, allowing the chill to cling to his skin and leach away all hope for warmth. The graze was quick, barely a heartbeat long, but she swore she could feel the lingering touch for moments after. Maybe he really did have a hard time navigating the village when the fog was this thick, having traveled in winding route and wrong turns for so long he still hadn't been able to heat up even after spending time in the shop. 

Flicking her gaze up to his on instinct, she saw he was looking at swatches of skin exposed from her dress, eyeing the goosebumps he had plucked up on accident. 

(Y/N) cleared her throat, nothing more than a reminder to herself to keep professional and not to gawk at the man. She placed the change in the small cup underneath the collection counter before reaching for his herbs of choice. A length of twine was used to tie up the bundle, ensuring he didn't lose anything on his way back home. 

"Thank you," he muttered once she passed them back, their skin no longer grain this time. 

"Have a pleasant journey back home," she chirped, her voice decidedly pleasant against the bubbling she was feeling inside, "Stay warm." 

The Count didn't give any kind of reaction to her before he was leaving the shop in a flourish. Taking advantage of the window at her disposal, she watched as he ventured out into the fog. The mist mingled around him, making him appear as if he were a ghost, one with the Earth-bound clouds. She was only vague aware of the way her body heat ticked up some now that he had left. 

Though she could hear the sound of footsteps descending the stairs that led up to their home a floor above, (Y/N)'s head was outside the shop and away from her father. She didn't turn even when she could tell he had made it to the landing. He was used to it by now, she knew. Her head was always miles away as far as he was concerned—thinking too big for the village and that was only going to hurt her in the long run. 

The air around her shifted, telling her that her father was just behind her, likely watching to see what had caught her attention this time. 

"Is that Harry?" he grumbled, spitting out the name while dismissing the faux-title since they were alone. 

Her father didn't much like the Count—Harry, as he bitterly spat out. (Y/N) was never sure what had set off her father's distaste for the man, just knowing that he thought him to be something of a boogeyman against the village. He didn't even go to church, her father regularly complained. What kind of man was he if he couldn't even bother to trudge down from his palace to spend some time with God, even if it was in the presence of commoners? 

(Y/N) never really minded. Though she'd never tell her father, church was boring. She couldn't blame Harry—the Count, whatever she was supposed to call him—for skipping out. Especially with the peeks a the castle she could garner if she trekked through the woods far enough. She wouldn't want to leave that place for anything. 

Nonetheless, (Y/N) answered with a soft, "Yes." Her eyes were still locked on the form of him she could barely make out through the mist. 

A grunt of disapproval left her father's lips. She didn't have to look at him to know that he had his arms crossed over his chest. "Are you okay?" 

It was when he settled a hand on her shoulder that she snapped out of her staring. 

"Yes, I'm well," she answered as placidly as possible when she turned to face him. She didn't want to show just how affected she was by the Count. Her father would do more than just grunt and disapprove if he knew just how drawn to the man as she was. 

He peered through the window, his eyes surely finding the one dark figure filtering through the fog. His brows slanted into harsh slashes over his eyes. "I want you to come and find me when he comes in from now on. I don't want him talking with you, anymore." 

Her fingertips buzzed at the new instructions, matching the kickstart to her heartbeats. As much as she heard her father's concerns, and had listened in to all the of the stories and webs spun about this man, those did little to deter her interest in Harry or quell the bubbling in her chest every time she saw him step inside the apothecary. 

"I can handle him, father," she countered, trying to sound as uninterested as possible while attempting to hold her ground, "We barely talk when he comes in, anyway." 

The creases between his brows only deepened when he matched her gaze. "I do not want you becoming one of his victims, (Y/N)."

—————

[heyyesimtrash-whatofit]

Alright J I hate to ask but,

I just love the fact Marty is getting NO sleep with those Docs around

Sorry that I want to see more, but really there SO GOOD!!

(p.s maybe Marty could be ‘resting’ and something that the Doc’s did woke him up, something funny maybe, idk)

DO NOT APOLOGIZE!!!! HAVE YOU SEEN MY TAGS?? I LIVE FOR THE ENTHUSIASM!!

Also what a lovely idea! Oh Marty~!

Good luck fighting him on this one, Marty. He’s a dad now. He’s used to putting stubborn kids to bed. Not pictured (because I’m lazy and didn’t wanna pose that many ppl-) is 1931 Doc and 1955 Doc standing around a shattered beaker, multiple piles of flaming…something (paper, gel, idk), and a still lit Bunsen burner. You can kinda guess what happened from there-

Transcriptions and more silly under the cut :)

*honk shooo Marty Sleeping Position.jpg*

CRASH!

Marty: What blew up? Who’s on fire?

Doc (present 1986): Everything is fine, Marty, now go lay back down- 😅

Marty: But you’re literally-

Doc: I know.

Marty: And-

Doc: Back to bed.

This will be the vicious cycle that will repeat at least twice more before Marty gets a decent amount of sleep (which is thanks to Einstein finding the chaos and laying with the poor kid like the amazing dog he is) And yes, 1986 present Doc is the best at getting the stubborn teen to sleep because of his acquired dad skills, but that doesn’t mean the other Emmetts aren’t just as capable. 1955 Doc has had to get Marty to sleep multiple times during his week there, 2015 Doc is no different, and 1931 Emmett literally let Marty sleep in during the game because he seemed really tired so what makes you think he won’t find a way to help his friend sleep?? Marty is going to rest whether he likes it or not. This is not a question, but a fact.

I’ve been playing with other characters in my mind as well, because it won’t just be Marty forever. I think Jennifer gets dragged in when they remember Marty’s parents, and she’s called in to come grab him. Speaking of George and Lorraine, either they don’t find out at all or, if they’ve figured out time travel, they do and it’s chaotic. (If you wanna see how I think them finding out would go, there’s a link to my fic on @squoosh-the-floof-writes It’s called The Truth About Time Travel do read it) Then ofc there’s Clara and the boys. Clara stumbles in first, which is nothing short of entertaining as she somehow manages to effortlessly contain the chaos (“I know how your brain works, Emmett. This is just that times four”) The boys don’t bump into all of them at first, but rather I think they meet 1931 Doc first which is just all sorts of funny. Anyway more to come from this

KEEP ASKING QUESTIONS AND GIVING YOUR THOUGHTS I LIVE FOR IT

[rey-jake-therapist]

You know, Sauron gets called a narcissist a lot and we should talk about it a bit. The thing is, from someone who's read books, watched films, and done tons of info gathering all because I lived with a narcissistic parent, it's surprisingly to me how so many ppl only look at his tendencies from an angle of victimhood (but understandable), and not the angle that if you're cunning enough, you can play the reverse uno card on their dumb asses. I lived in emotional pain for years until I realized I decided to accept the role of victim, and that I didn't have to. So I decided to research everything about narcissists, and found psychological ways to play them at their own game by taking advantage of their blind spots.

For one, since they have this inflated sense of grandiosity, they find it very hard to believe a lie that flatters their ego. Idk if ppl realize this. Because denying a compliment with /some/ truth in it would mean they are being humble, and thus downplay this false image they desperately want others to believe about them (unless they're faking humility for reason, like to get a promotion or to flatter themselves to someone above them on the ladder, or in Gals case, because he thinks it would look good on him in her eyes to appear 'humble'), as well as admitting to that egoistic part of themselves that they aren't as great as they believe they are (and they do). Like I said how I lived with a narcissistic parent? I figured out that if I pretend to hype them up when they're in a good mood, they would genuinely think I cared about them and thought they were this amazing dad, and they would be like 'hey let's go get some mcdonalds!' It was nothing like the genuine love from a nonnarcisstic dad, but I learned how to manipulate him to get things that I wanted, simply by playing to his need for admiration and validation.

I'm not saying this tactic works for every narc you come across, but if you can get yourself into their head, be the master to their puppet strings, instead of opposing them or correcting them (they hate criticism and anything that hurts their ego, as we see with Annatar), you can use them just as they see you as a tool.

Idk if any of this makes sense. I do think that I may have absorbed some of my dad's traits for seeing things this way, but I know in my heart I would never ever treat my own kid like this. I see it as a form of adaptation to living with someone with such a vile personality disorder. But in terms of Sauron, he's got to be one of the dumbest narcissists I've seen. He is praised for his masterful deceit and manipulation but he's genuinely stupid in that he doesn't have the self awareness (like the audience, particularly haladriels) to realize that Galadriel is a huge blindspot for him in everything.

I'm not JRRT and I can never hope to write anything near the world he built, but if the forces of good have any brain they would take advantage of this blindspot in some way instead of furiously kicking against the current and thus causing a lot of bloodshed and losses for their own side.

I hope you don't mind if I copy/paste your second message here since it's the continuation of this one... It avoids that I make two different posts :)

And also, just to add to my last ask: And this is why I think Gal jumped off the cliff. She still has some sort of emotional entanglement with this whole mess, which is a HUGE RISK if she were to try to play him at his own game (at this point). It's one thing to completely divorce any kind if feeling between me and my narc dad, who I've lived with for years, and slowly realized that he would never be the dad I am owed. It took a lot of pain and tears when I finally realized it (Dont feel sorry for me, I'm not even emotional about this anymore, I just see our past in this clinical detached way. I find narcs fascinating in same way a scientist studies a lab rat). But for Galadriel, her situation is different. She didn't have years by his side to slowly realize this. To slowly pick apart and coldly analyze Sauron's pattern of action, thoughts, and habits like I did with my own dad. Her feelings at that meeting were raw and unorganized, she was angry, more emotionally betrayed, unable to stop galloping until the very end, when she stumbled upon a last ditch idea (really it was a gamble) to get away as far as she can from him. Idk if its because of the crown wound or her own resolve that she fears is weakening her, but she needed distance asap. But I really think my idea is interesting and I hope to see more fics in the future that take on Galadriel using herself as his blindspot to weaken him. It doesn't have to he canon compliant, but it would also play well into how canon ends. Just some interesting food for thought. A lot of fics I see are pwp and redemption focused, which I already love, but I also kind of want to see them become like chess masters as manipulation. Gal in particular has so much potential and we know she has a very vindictive dark side. ;)

I know you said you said there was no need to feel sorry for you, and I actually admire your strength of character, but I still want to say this : no kid should have to suffer from having narcissist parents. I myself lived with a narcissist for years, so I know where you come from, even if it was of course a different dynamic. And you're right about not accepting to be a victim ! It's very hard, because it involves accepting that you deserve better, something that a narcissist will constantly make sure you don't. Needless to say that the Annatar/Celebrimbor relationship was very hard for me to stomach, because of the way Annatar behaved towards Celebrimbor. It felt very familiar, and I really didn't like it. I'm worried about my kid now, especially after reading your post... I'm worried about how my ex's behavior will affect him. Hopefully, I am able to balance things out. I'm a lot of things, but I'm damn sure I'm not a narcissist.

I won't comment the rest of your post, not because I'm not interested, but for the exact opposite reason : I couldn't add anything smart or relevant to what you suggested for the Haladriel dynamic :) Thank you for sharing these ideas with me !

[joyfulapostate]

Thank you for your blog! It’s exactly what I need right now.

I’m currently trying to construct my beliefs after a lifetime raised in the PCA (Presbyterian Church of America). It’s such a mindfuck because I can see how hateful a lot of PCA beliefs are and how when their theology is applied consistently it inevitably leads to abuse. It seems like the only ppl not fostering abuse in the system have twisted the words of the Bible to mean the opposite (ex: “this verse sounds like it’s saying x but if you go to the Greek blah blah it’s actually saying y.” Or “yes that verse does say that but obviously they’re applying it wrong. It was never meant to be taken that far” etc)

But even seeing all of this my coping mechanisms under stress are all still based in God. He was supposed to be the one constant thing and i don’t know what to do with that gone.

I feel like my beliefs are currently so fucked up. Trying to write down everything I feel is true and it’s ludicrously contradictory:

- there is no God

- Jesus is God

- after we did nothing happens. It’s the same as the space before we were born

- God has a plan to redeem suffering. All the pain in the world can’t be for nothing. People who live their whole lives in extreme duress and then die must get a chance after death to live prosperous lives. I don’t need eternal life but I need to know others will have it.

- hell is ridiculous and not real. I don’t want ppl to suffer like that no matter what they’ve done so a perfect God can’t be more petty than me. All I truly want from ppl who abused me is for them to never speak to me again. The only “punishment” I might want for them is for them to realize the damage they did and that I only want so they don’t do it again to others. I’m not talking to them so I don’t care.

I’m sure there are more but that’s all I can think of right now. It’s so confusing and messy! Does it ever settle a bit? Will I ever have a set of consistent beliefs again?

The short answer is yes and yes. Things also felt messy for me at first, but I did eventually reach a point of stability.

Congrats on being open to investigating and improving your worldview! That's such a cool and kind thing to do for yourself that many people never manage. I'm sure there's a lot to unpack, so I want to encourage you to treat yourself well while you're challenging your beliefs. Take breaks, seek support, and be patient.

Early in my deconstruction, I craved certainty because I believed that that's what truth felt like. I thought I would investigate my beliefs until I had a new and better set of beliefs on the other side of the process. But along the way I figured out that stability and consistency don't need to come from having an unchanging set of beliefs.

What I found was that having a good set of tools for seeking, analyzing, and integrating information into my life was more stable than having a static set of beliefs.

My beliefs used to be precious and protected, like trophies in a glass case, high up and out of reach. When I started deconstructing, that case came crashing down.

I felt ashamed that Christianity wasn't the only tool I needed to build a stable set of beliefs. For so many people around me, that seemed to be all they needed.

I began to question why I thought Christianity was true: love, belonging, fear, authority, loyalty, and stability were the main ones. But my beliefs didn't account for empathy, ethics, or epistemology and many other things. Heck, I didn't even know the word epistemology when I started this journey. I didn't know how to seek knowledge without running it through a Christian filter first.

I'd been told that CHRISTIANITY = TRUTH, so I hadn't considered that there were other methods to seeking, analyzing, and integrating new knowledge into my life.

But then I started exploring logic, philosophy, psychology, history, biology, and other subjects I'd been afraid would challenge my Christian beliefs. I started reading about other religions and comparing them to Christianity. And, most importantly, I started going to trauma-informed therapy. All of those things helped me break out of old patterns, learn how to update my beliefs based on new information, and how not to be afraid of that whole process.

Focusing on the tools I used to build my beliefs instead of the beliefs themselves, I was able to put together my own toolbox that helped me establish a more stable system of belief. I still go by my belief-shelf every once in a while, dust things off, admire beliefs that stood up to testing, and reevaluate beliefs that didn't. But that last part got rarer and rarer and no longer feels like the end of the world. Because ultimately, I'm still working with the same toolbox.

I used think that Christianity was a universal set of tools that worked for anyone in any situation, but now I see it as one very old tool that doesn't work for everybody. And, despite what I'd been told again and again as a Christian, the Bible is not a truth-seeking tool. It's a set of stories that can tell us about what the authors thought about themselves and the world. And, don't get me wrong, I love storytelling. I think it's very important. We can learn a lot about other people, their perspectives, and their philosophies. The problem comes in when people take their specific interpretation of stories in Christianity and try to apply them universally.

But we don't have to rely on the same old tools forever. We can try out new tools and figure out what will help us build the life that we want to have. Equipped with a variety of tools instead of one dusty one, we are more prepared to live and thrive in this constantly changing world.

Looking back, I'm glad my shaky shelf of beliefs fell apart. Because it gave me the opportunity to take responsibility for my beliefs instead of just protecting them.

I want to touch on one more point that you raised before I close, and that is the unbearable weight of suffering in the world. I struggled with this a lot during my deconstruction. It's a tough thing, to come from a worldview that has simple answers and adjust to the reality that reducing suffering is much harder than "let go and let God." My advice is to seek out good news, because it won't show up in social media feeds as much as bad news does. Find the people who are helping others, solving problems, and actively building community. Also, try to find some small way to do good, lessen suffering, or prevent harm if you have the ability and resources to do so.

That's part of why I run this blog, to try to help other people let go of harmful Christian beliefs with more joy and less suffering.

Thank you for sending me this ask. Messages like these inspire me. I see the effort and empathy behind your words and it gives me more hope than I had before!

[thetourturedwritersclub]

Finis vitae sed non amoris-its the end of life but not of love

Chapter five:January

January 1st 1977

Dear diary,

Oh Merlin. I have such bad hangover. I shouldn't have drank that much but I didn't have enough to forget what happened yesterday. I. Kissed. James. Potter. Why? Would I do that? What if he remembers? What if he hates me? Why do I care if he hates me? Oh my god. I can never show my face to Potter. Ever. I will go have a mental breakdown and cringe from embarrassment. Goodbye for now

R. A. B

January 4th 1977

Dear diary,

Merlin thank you! Potter was so drunk yesterday that he doesn't remember a thing. But I do and I can't seem to forget that. kiss.Good that means I won't have to dissappear from the face of the earth. Goodbye for now.

R. A. B

January 11th 1977

Dear diary,

I can't keep this secret anymore. That memory is driving me crazy. The feeling, the sparks and everything about it. I have to tell someone about it. Goodbye for now.

R. A. B

January 15th 1977

Dear diary,

Well. Pandora knows. She didn't judge me thankfully. She was very supportive and also curious for the details. She also told me something about opening my eyes a little. I don't know what she means by that but I do want to figure it out. Goodbye for now.

R. A. B

January 19th 1977

Dear diary,

Today I had a tutoring session with Potter and book club with Lily and Remus. This time he needed help with a Defense against the dark arts spell. He had everything else correct except the form, which with what I helped him. Then I meet with the book club. We caught up with each other, gossiped and hose the new read " Pride and Prejudice" from Jane Austen. Goodbye for now.

R. A. B

January 23rd 1977

Dear diary,

The workload has now decreased, which is really nice. I now finally have time for myself. Goodbye for now.

R. A. B

January 27th 1977

Dear diary,

Barty and Evan are FINALLY together!! Finally!! I've been waiting so long! Apperently they were together since New Years Party. Also Pandora has started to indirect teasing about James. Saying that I like him. I DON'T. Maybe I do and so far it has been hell. Goodbye for now

R. A. B

January 31st 1977

Dear diary,

Last tutoring session with Potter for this month. I'm not quite happy about it. The atmosphere when we're alone has just become so tense. I don't like it. I screwed up something didn't I? I thought we became friends. I thought we had potential for more

Goodbye for now

R. A. B

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Hello yall!! This chapter features Slow burn, angsty starchaser, sad Reg, our favourite book club and Rose killer!! Thank you for reading my fic and if you have any feedback pls write it in the comments!!!

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[misc-obeyme]

resending just in case the first didnt send due to my wifi cutting off right as i sent it 🙄:

how would the brothers react to an mc who comes from a family where twins, triplets, quadruplets n other sets of multiples are common ? like, their mother is a twin, their father is a triplet, most of their siblings are twins or triplets, the mc even has a twin themselves

i just wanna see how the brothers react to visiting the mcs family n seeing 9 different ppl have look the same cause theres 3 separate sets of triplets in the family

Hi there!

I did get your previous ask, but I decided to answer this one, so I will just delete the other one :)

Okay, this was certainly interesting to think about and the consensus is mostly that they're all confused lol.

Thanks for the request!

the brothers react to GN!MC having a family full of twins, triplets, etc

Warnings: none!

Lucifer

Great. There are more of you. Just how many of you are there, MC? Are these your clones? It must be some magic spell gone wrong. That's the only explanation.

Lucifer demands answers. Explain what is going on. Once you've told him about all the twins and triplets in your family, he's trying to figure out how this is even possible. He always thought such things were rare, but here you all are.

He tries to keep everybody's name straight, but he messes up sometimes. It's not from lack of trying. Actually keeps a little notebook with a list of everybody's name in an attempt to keep track of them. This doesn't really work all that well when everyone looks the same, though.

He never confuses you for one of your family members. No, he knows which one of you belongs to him.

Mammon

He is immediately flustered. How is he supposed to act around all these slightly different versions of you? They all remind him of you, but they're not quite you and he's so confused.

Since we all know he has feelings for you, being around so many people that look like you makes him nervous. He has to try even harder not to give himself away. Pretty much just constantly blushing.

Please stay by his side, MC. He doesn't want to lose track of ya. Not that he would ever mistake anyone else for you, but it's just hard for him to find you again if you go too far.

Mammon likes your family just fine, but being around them all is kiiiind of stressful. Doesn't remember anyone's name. Uses yours almost every time even though he knows he's not talking to you. It just comes out, he can't help it!

Leviathan

Oh! This is just like that one manga called Everyone In My Family is a Twin or Triplet So I Moved Far Away Where No One Would Recognize Me and Ended Up Falling in Love with a Demon Lord! That's almost your exact scenario, MC! You're living a real life manga storyline!

He's not too terrible at remembering who is who, but he's not really great at it, either. He certainly never gets you confused with anybody, but everybody else kind of blends together a bit.

If you've got any family members that have similar interests to him, Levi will get all their names correct every time. This helps him to keep everybody else straight, too.

He's fascinated by your family of look-a-likes, but he definitely thinks you're the best version. He might try to actually say that to you, too, but he's going to be blushing like crazy while he does.

Satan

He's never seen this many twins, triplets, and quadruplets before. He's going to ask a ton of questions. He wants to know how this is even possible. -Tell him you understand the science behind it, MC, because it's fascinating. If you don't know the specifics of how the genetics of such things work, he's going to read a bunch of books about it as soon as he gets home.

He gets everybody's name right. He never mixes anybody up or confuses anybody for anybody else. How he manages to do this is a mystery to everyone, even you. It likely has to do with his ability to retain details.

Since he's capable of keeping everybody straight, your family loves him. It's nice to finally have someone who doesn't get you all confused all the time. He's a little baffled because to him it's not a big deal.

Asmodeus

He has so many ideas. Please, he just has to have a fashion show or photo shoot with all your lovely family members! He's always wanted a crew of models that are just as lovely as you!

Another one who never gets anybody mixed up. Asmo is able to do this because he's a social butterfly and somehow connects everyone's appearance to their qualities and interests. He's just good at it, you know?

He wants to do everybody's hair and paint everybody's nails and any one of your family members who agree will find themselves looking fabulous in no time.

But don't worry. He will make sure to pay extra special attention to you. He's in love with your entire family, of course. How could he not be especially when they all look like you? But you'll always be his favorite, MC.

Beelzebub

Hey. You have a twin, too? Do you guys have twin telepathy like him and Belphie? He's going to have a lot of questions for your twin specifically because he knows what it's like to be one.

Of course, he doesn't look exactly like his twin and that part's a little confusing. Also, MC, do you realize that all of your family members look the same? What's going on with that?

You'll have to explain who is twins, triplets, or quadruplets with who. He'll try to keep them all straight, he really will. But his success rate is kinda low. Gets most of them mixed up with each other.

He never gets you or your twin mixed up with anyone else, though. He gets that, so it's easier for him to understand. Thinks of your twin as "MC's Belphie" forever after.

Belphegor

Okay. He obviously knows about the twin life, but this is kinda overdoing it, don't you think? He knows your family isn't like this on purpose (at least he doesn't think so), but wow. It's kinda chaotic.

Surprisingly good at keeping everybody straight. He doesn't try too hard and he still messes up, but he's better at it than some of the others.

He also wants to know if you have twin telepathy. What about the triplets and quadruplets? Do they have it, too? He imagines that having quadruplet telepathy would be pretty noisy.

In the end, he likes your family fine, but he prefers you. Content to just sit beside you while you interact with your many family members. Probably falls asleep on your shoulder as you do so. Sorry, MC, but your family kinda tires him out.

masterlist | Thank you for reading!