#and every time steven’s entire point is shattering someone is never okay! why would he shatter the diamonds when he was losing his shit

[mathsbian]

@renthony

you know what, i am right and im tired of pretending i am not

[faelapis]

what i mean when i say i like jasper’s ending a Lot in terms of “what the character needs”, rather than what the audience needs, is that the transition from “fragments”, to “homeworld bound”, to finally “the future” shows, albeit quickly, a pretty interesting commentary on “want vs need”.

“want vs need” is a pretty basic storytelling concept of, basically, writing flawed characters who have some growing to do as people. they “want” one thing, but they actually “need” another thing.

so let’s talk about jasper’s “want” vs “need”.

cont: but you are not my diamond. if you think you’re hard enough to tell me what to do, fight me and prove it.

she makes her “want” clear in every episode she’s in SU future - which is that she wants to subjugate herself to a diamond, because that’s the only worthwhile purpose in life she’s known.

but we, and steven, don’t actually want that to happen. we know it’s not good for her health. we’ve seen that it’s not, both because hierarchies like those are toxic and because we’ve been shown, specifically for jasper, that it causes her to self-destruct over and over again.

so when it does happen, it’s very fitting that it’s in the worst circumstances possible. she begged for steven to fight her with all his might, over and over again, so he could prove himself a worthy diamond - to the point where he ends up shattering her. and when she’s brought back to life, she’s not even mad at him. he’s proven himself a “worthy” superior.

so we’ve been shown very clearly that jasper’s want is pretty, well, unhealthy for her. she would literally die for it, and get nothing in return except unhealthy, oppressive structures around her. getting everything she wants, at long last, fills her with a kind of void and fragile happiness... which only lasts so long as steven embraces his role as diamond and stays with her. 

hence we, and steven, only see her act at peace with her circumstances without complaint for a couple minutes, and it always (both in fragments and homeworld bound) ends in her own heartbreak. that’s the fragility of her “want”.

basically, it’s bad because, albeit she would know what to do with these structures... it would be at the expense of her own agency, character growth and health. it would always end badly for her.

this is a good time to point out the parallels to steven in “mr universe”.

much like jasper, steven doesn’t care if the structures around greg were cruel or oppressive. he never looks closely enough to notice how much greg hated his life. he just wants things he sees as “normal”. he wants guidance, certainty and authority figures to tell him what he’s “supposed” to do in life.

so. how is jasper’s “want” inverted?

much like rose would eventually do with pearl, the unhealthy attachment is cut by giving your subject a very bitter pill - disappearing from their life. by leaving them behind, you’re essentially forcing them to grow.

that’s NOT the main / only reason rose has steven, or steven eventually leaving beach city... but both serve the purpose of making someone who idolized you “deal with” your absence. and that’s certainly at least a part of their intention - rose thought of herself as stuck and likely holding pearl back. steven is horrified by the diamond role and wants jasper to do “something better”.

and that leads us to jasper’s “need” - to be free from these oppressive authority structures and find her own path in life. this would both improve her health & happiness, as well as making her stop engaging in unhealthy behavior towards herself and others.

now. is she fully “there” yet? no. 

but i think that as much as her trying to persuade steven to take her with him into the great unknown mirrors pearl - ie “i should be fighting for you, because you’re too important”, her reaction to steven’s reassurance that he will be fine shows that she’s already done more growing than pearl had at that point.

she’s likely been taking classes at little homeworld (where she was confirmed to currently live, NOT just visit to say goodbye to steven) for the preceding months between “i am my monster” and “the future”. she’s somewhere near accepting that her diamond doesn’t need protection. it’s also likely something she started thinking after “fragments” - if your diamond is truly so wonderfully powerful... why would they need your protection? what is your “purpose”? steven defeating her + leaving without her in “homeworld bound” both lead her to the same conclusion - she can’t fail or succeed in protecting him, because he doesn’t need her to.

thus, her role isn’t warranted.

“i can protect myself”. “i know... farewell, my diamond”.

it’s pretty significant to me that at the end of their little scene, steven doesn’t run away or give jasper any orders to stop following him. SHE leaves, albeit sadly, because she agrees with him. he can take care of himself.

jasper’s still framing steven as a diamond / superior, but... i think a big point here is that she’s someone who was so firmly stuck at the bottom of a pit of self-hatred, isolation and meaninglessness that she couldn’t unstuck herself - not without being pushed to do so. which ended up also being true for steven.

that’s the irony of the double-edged sword of her “want” - in a way, she’s right about one thing. she can’t just magically get better on her own.

i think the episode “guidance” illustrates an interesting balance between steven and amethyst’s philosophies - amethyst would rather gems do whatever, even if they end up slipping back into their old patterns. steven would rather guide them towards challenging themselves, even if that means dismissing their autonomy.

jasper... kinda gets both? her “want” and “need” play into each other in interesting ways. i’ve been framing her want as a negative a lot, but it does have an interesting silver lining - she had to get what she wanted (to be defeated, to be given a diamond), to be pushed to what she needed.

and in turn, steven needed to listen to and adapt to HER, in order to help her. only after doing that, after being pushed by jasper in turn and truly giving her what she wants, even if it tears you apart mentally... would she ever listen to you. as steven is probably used to by now.

and despite the tragedy of it, i think that’s... kind of an okay thing to show? because not everyone will seek help on their own. it’s not the uplifting message of “anyone who needs help will eventually realize it entirely on their own”, but it IS the hopeful message of “even people who refuse help, deserve help”. 

there’s horror in steven ultimately adapting to jasper’s desires, because it shows them both the fragility of their wants - for steven, being able to control jasper was a horrifying consequence. he got what he “wanted” in the worst way possible. for jasper, getting what she “wanted” meant being forced to let it (steven) go in favor of staying at little homeworld. 

but honestly... we already knew that jasper would never seek help on her own. she’s too “selfless”, in the toxic sense. purpose matters most.

and she’s not alone in that.

“pearl took pride in risking her destruction for your mother. she put rose quartz over everything; over logic, over consequence, over her own life.”

pearl taking rose down from that pedestal was a slow, elaborate, exhausting process that took years of actively working on herself. the majority of that work was only done after rose was gone.

jasper’s gonna have all the same tools - a genuine support network, people who are willing to both empathize and teach a better way, distance from her romanticized superior, and her own desire to get better. 

the latter point, at first, because she’s told to. but as we saw in “little homeschool”, leaving her to her own devices without any “worthwhile” path forward wasn’t ideal. her “want”, much like amethyst said... still deserves to be listened to, even if she still thinks like a homeworld gem. 

but the seriousness of such an effort is, as pearl taking care of steven “for rose” and then “for him” and finally growing to do things “for herself” shows, a good avenue for REAL growth. jasper may soon yet grow for her own sake.

and the results... again, pulling pearl as my example, can be remarkable.

as i’ve said before... i am pretty sad we won’t actually get to see more of that. that’s what “the audience” may have felt they needed from jasper. the same way i’m sure rose would find it bittersweet to know how much pearl has grown without her. the same way you’re sad whenever you don’t see a character you love find love and happiness onscreen, even if it’s implied...

but in a show told from steven’s perspective, i think there is some point to that.

i’ve come around to the following: she couldn’t go with him. any forgiving hugs steven & jasper could’ve given each other at this point would’ve been hollow. that power dynamic would’ve been in the way. what they “need” is not each other. they need people who really, truly understand them, and to figure out what they want in their lives when steven doesn’t have someone to save emotionally (jasper), and jasper doesn’t have someone to sacrifice herself for (steven). 

(...and it’s at this point you realize i made you read ALL OF THAT mainly to justify why pearl and jasper’s relationship is gonna be such a central thing in my post-canon fanfic. lol. anyway here’s the link again.)

[sissytobitch10seconds]

Death's Door

Fandom: Grey's Anatomy Summary: Alex Karev's life has been and is smothered with tragedy. Warnings: Graphic descriptions of injuries/wounds, polyamory, mentions of mental illness and character death Word Count: 2,332 Ship(s): Alex Karev/George O'Malley/Izzie Stevens

Archive link!

The adrenaline was still rushing in his veins and the tears were drying on his cheeks. He sniffled heavily and wiped at his face with his sleeve. He could hear the steady, strong heartbeat from his wife on the monitor next to her bed. He wanted to hear that sound forever, he never wanted it to go away like it had before. She had coded in his arms. She had died in his arms after he had said all of those horrible things to her about wanting to put her out of her misery.

He was still shaking from the emotional burden of it all as someone touched his arm. He had to turn around to face them, which meant tearing his eyes away from the steady vitals of his wife. "Alex, we need you to come and do something."

"If this is work related it can fucking wait," he took his arm away from Callie. He didn't hate her anymore like he had when he had first started dating George, since the man had convinced him to let the grudge he was holding go, but that didn’t mean that he considered her to be anywhere close to a friend. "My wife just fucking died in my arms."

"We need you to ID the John Doe," she replied, blinking at him a few times since she was also reeling from all of the crises that were happening around the hospital.

He shook his head and tried to push back into Izzie's hospital room. "Why would I need to ID the John Doe that was brought in? If you know enough to come chasing after me then you know enough to know who he is."

"Who do you think the John Doe is if we're coming after you?" Callie asked, catching his arm again before he had the chance to go back into the room. 

He shrugged. "I-I don't fucking know, man. Listen, my wife just coded in my arms after not remembering anything about what happened after she got a massive brain surgery for her Cancer," he snapped. "I just want to go in there and hold her hand and cry until our boyfriend finally gets out of surgery and we're able to support her together."

"Alex!" Callie pleaded. "Meredith thinks that the John Doe is George and his brain almost swelled past the point of no return. We were able to save him again but he might not make it and we need to know if this is George or not."

He collapsed. 

Horrendous sobs ripped through his chest and mouth into the silent air of the hospital hallway. His throat heaved and gasped to try to get in any air in between the heart-shattering noises. The tears from earlier had returned and were streaking down his face. They collected on his cheeks and then ran down his neck, but also dropped off of his nose onto the ground. He wiped messily at his face to try and stop the tears and snot from collecting. He was shaking again as his legs completely gave out even from the squatting position that he had been in before so that he was sitting entirely on the ground. 

Callie slid down the wall so that she was next to him. She wrapped her arm around his shoulder to bring him to her. She wasn't great at giving comfort but she was trying her best as she began to rub small circles into the curve of his back.

"My wife just coded in my arms and now you want me to be the one to check to see if my boyfriend is on Death's Door too?" he asked, the sentence being interrupted almost every other word by violent sobs.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," she whispered. "I wouldn't ask you to do this if I didn't have to."

He wrapped his arms around his legs. Bailey walked over to them both, handing Callie a box of tissues before she went to hover nearby. "I just want them to be okay. I love them so much!"

"Alex, it might not be George," Callie whispered.

He cried for a little longer before he let out a sour bark of laughter. "I'm a fucking terrible person. The first thing that I said to my wife that she remembered was that I hated being married to her and wanted to smother her with a pillow! Then my boyfriend, who I thought was in surgery with the chief, might actually be dying and I'm sitting here hoping that someone else is going to lose the most important person in their life!"

"You're not a terrible person for hoping that John Doe isn't George," she soothed. "I hope that it's not George either. I mean, I know that I divorced him but I still care about him a lot. I don't want him to die."

He grabbed a tissue from the box in her lap and used it to mop his face off. "Let's go and see if it is George. Can you, um, can you try to call him while I check some things on the John Doe?" He took his phone out of his pocket and offered it to the other doctor.

She took it from him. "Of course. You gonna tell Stevens?"

"No. I want to go now and she's still out of it. I'll tell Cristina and she can sit with her while I check. It won't be George anyway. He'll be fine, and alive, and not hurt at all, and able to help me support her and everything," he mumbled to himself as he tried to convince himself that it was true. He finished getting the tears and snot off of his face, stuffing the tissues into his pocket to throw away later. He got up and cleared his throat. His eyes flitted back to the room where his wife was staying. He felt the first bubble of reassurance that he had in weeks wrap around his heart as he saw just how many of their friends were already by her bedside.

Callie reached out and touched his shoulder with one hand. "You don't have to go right now if you don't feel up to it," she whispered comfortingly.

"No, I need to do this," Alex cleared his throat and nodded. "Lead the way, let's go and get this over with."

She nodded and then placed the box of tissues on the nurse's station countertop. The duo walked out of the Cancer wing and down to the Trauma ICU where the John Doe that was suspected of being his boyfriend was at the moment. There were a couple of the interns that used to be his friends and a few of the nurses that liked George hovering around outside of the door. They pushed through the group and then into the hospital room where John Doe was.

Alex felt his breath catch in his throat as he thought about how awful it would be if this man turned out to be one of the people he was in love with. He wasn't sure how he'd end up handling that if it turned out to be true. Callie hesitated before she walked over to the edge of the bed and picked up his hand. "Did he ever show you that freckle that looked like Texas? When we were married I used to tease him about it all the time," she mumbled, her lips sticking together as she tried not to cry.

"He told Iz about the teasing and then I used to joke that I was going to bite it off so he'd stop thinking about it," a small smile graced his face for the first time in several hours. He peeked over the body of the man to the hand that she was holding and felt his breath hitch in his throat as they found the freckle. "That's-that's just one mark, that doesn't mean that this is George. Has anyone asked the chick that she saved if he even looked like George?"

"She's in shock," Callie shook her head. She backed off of the John Doe and let Alex check a couple more things instead. She and George may have been married, but it was only for a couple of months and she knew that George had been in love with Alex and Izzie for years. 

The haggard looking doctor trailed his hand down the man's arm until he found the small, worn scar on his arm from when he had fallen out of a tree as a little kid. "No, please, no," he whispered as his movements began to get more frantic. He found the birth mark on his stomach which had just been missed by a couple of the surgery incisions. "It's him. It's him. There are three identifying marks. It-it has to be him, no one can have all three of those and not be George…"

Callie lurched forward and wrapped her arms around Alex as a flare of anger began to surge through him. The other doctor reached out and grabbed the chart off of the end of the bed. He chucked it at the wall and caused the entire binder to explode and send papers all over the floor. Normally, before he had gotten together with his partners, he would have kept going until the entire room was a mess. Instead, he just collapsed again. 

The woman that had been trying to hold him back ended up supporting his entire weight. She helped him into the chair next to the bed and went to go and get more tissues. Meredith took her place in the room instead. "It's him, isn't it?" she asked.

"Why is this happening to me?" he sobbed as he turned his head to look at her. "Why do I break everything that I love? Why am I hurting them?"

"You're not!" she gasped as she rushed forward and grabbed his hands. "Alex Karev, you are not hurting them. You have never laid a non-consensual hand on either of them. Cheating on Izzie during our intern year was not appropriate, but you decided that you were going to be loyal to them. You even married Izzie when you thought that she might not make it so that she could have her dream come true since George still had too much trauma," she was rambling and crying now but neither of them noticed.

"I just want them both to be okay," he sobbed. "I need at least one of them. How am I supposed to support them both? Izzie has Cancer and literally died in my arms and my boyfriend has been suffering and in pain in the hospital all day and I didn't even know anything about it or come and check on him!"

"You didn't know," she shook her head. "You can only do what you think is best at the time. You're here now. She's alive now. She's tumor free and still has her memory. That's all you can ask."

"I… okay…" he sniffled and nodded. "Will you please go and check on Iz? I need someone to be there and tell her but I can't move from his side. He's going to be scared when he wakes up and I have to make up for lost time."

Meredith smiled at him for a moment before she wiped the tears off of her face. "Yeah, I'll go and check on her for you," she stood up and kissed his forehead to comfort him. Their relationship was awkward sometimes, since he was used to being the big brother that had to take care of everyone and she had never had a sibling until she was well into adulthood, but he enjoyed having someone that was almost like an older sister to him. 

She slipped out of the room after watching him for a moment to make sure he wouldn't break down again. Callie was shepherding all of the people hovering outside of George's hospital room to give the doctor some space. This left Alex completely alone with his incredibly injured boyfriend.

He carefully reached out and took George's injured hand. He brought it up to his face and kissed the back of it. "Thanks for working through all the pain I'm sure that you were in to tell Mer who you were so that I could be here for you." He sighed to stop himself from crying, "I'm sorry that I didn't know it was you. I was so tired after staying up to make sure Iz would stay alive after her surgery that I didn't even think that you might be struggling too. I don't know why you weren't in surgery with the Chief like you were supposed to be but that doesn't matter anymore. Your brave, heroic ass saved some chick and basically threw yourself under a bus. A literal bus. Oh, man, George, what am I supposed to do without you? Iz and I both need you a lot, so you have to pull through. You're so much more put together than I am. I don't really know what I should be doing here, but I love you and so I'm going to stay here with you."

He finally let his talking drop off into silence so the only sound in the room was from the beeping of George's heart monitor.

This kind of thing kept happening to him. He would let himself get attached to someone and fall in love with them, either romantically or in a family way, and then something horrific would happen and take them away from him. Alex Karev lived outside of Death's Door, watching those he loved circle around it and away from his grasp without ever getting to feel the hurt of them really leaving him. He had to watch them suffer as a way to repent for his own sins, and that hurt so much more.

[tuffduff]

More Than Okay (Izzy Stradlin x Reader)

Pairing: Izzy Stradlin x Reader

Words: 1,537

Request: @that-80s-chick​ :Hi I was wondering if you could please write something with Izzy Stradlin where maybe he’s self conscious about himself (maybe his nose idk) and he doesn’t think he’s good enough for you but you assure him that he’s perfect and you love him just the way he is 😊 also I love your writing so much!!

A/N: Thank you for requesting love!! As Elton John once said, the bitch is back. Hello friends, if you write you know inspiration strikes at random. I’m so happy I could get this out to you guys because I really loved the prompt and Izzy is just such a cutie. Sorry for the long wait for this one, I really do appreciate every request y’all send and I’m working on others now. 🖤🖤🖤

Taglist: @ubernoxa​ @the--blackdahlia​ @reigns420​ @stradlin-cold-heartbreaker​ 🤍

“Izzy, c’mon, what’s the deal, man? We’re gonna be late.” Axl called from where you stood next to him by the front door of the band’s shared apartment. You were there because, well, when were you not by their side? But also, your extra car came in handy.

“I’m coming, alright? Chill.” Izzy replied, coming from around the corner with his head down. “Since when do you care about being late, anyways?”

“We’ve got a lot of shit to do today.” Axl retorted back. You figured the general crabbiness had something to do with the fact that it was 9 am.

“How many photoshoots have we done anyways; don’t they have enough shit of us...” you heard Izzy mutter. You waited for him to follow behind Axl but he gestured for you to go first, still keeping his head down low and not even looking at you. That wasn’t normal, but you decided not to make too much of an observation about it.

“Alright, who’s riding with me and who’s riding with Duff?” You asked, now standing with all of them outside.

“I call shotgun with Duff!” Slash declared. Steven hit his arm and latched onto Slash as he jetted towards Duff’s vehicle, getting dragged all the way.

“No, hey—you got shotgun last time!” Steven whined, the both of them now shoving at each other outside the passenger door.

“Get in the back, Steven,” Axl ordered, already opening the back door to Duff’s car. Steven was still whining while Slash triumphantly grinned and took his spot. “Sorry, Izzy, we’re all full over here.” Axl said, glancing at Izzy who was trailing behind him.

“Uh, guys? I’ve got a whole car.” You pointed out.

“I’d rather ride with you.” Duff said, his eyes locked on Slash swatting at Steven in the backseat. “Hey, Izzy, I thought you said you were riding with Y/N?” You sent Duff a look. He was the only one in the group that had picked up on your fondness for the rhythm guitarist and would often subtly try and get the two of you together.

For some reason, Izzy froze and appeared almost panicked. “No, I didn’t.” He argued. Ouch. It felt like a piece of your heart shattered, along with your self-esteem.

“C’mon, you’re gonna hurt her feelings.” Duff insisted. Now, he abandoned Duff’s car and almost reluctantly walked over to yours. You frowned quizzically at him when he reached for the back door.

“You know I don’t bite, right?” You joked lightly. He hesitated and ducked his head low again.

“I just, uh, like the extra room.” He replied, but climbed in next to you in the front.

Izzy continued to remain silent once you got on the road behind Duff. It was completely and entirely out of the norm; Izzy always preferred being around you, even out of all of his bandmates. At restaurants, he’d sit next to you. Watching movies together, he’d be next to you on the couch, or even on the floor. He’d share lyrics he had written with you, or a drink of his coke. Sometimes, you’d find him at your door when he wanted to get away from the band.

Yet now, you were getting a cold shoulder out of left field. The longer the silence grew, the more you felt crushed by Izzy’s apparent disdain at being stuck with you. With every mile, you glanced over at him, hoping for some kind of spark of conversation, but he remained glued to the window.

“You can pick what we listen to,” you tried offering cheerfully. Izzy didn’t move. You wondered if he even heard you before realizing you could have heard a pen drop in the stony silence between you. No, he was practically ignoring you.

“No, it’s cool.” He muttered. You adjusted your grip on the steering wheel uncomfortably.

“Izzy, is everything alright?” You finally asked at the next stoplight, turning to stare at him. He repositioned himself in the seat, as though he were uncomfortable with your gaze. “Can you maybe act like I exist?” You caught the sight of a frown on his face.

“Everything’s fine, Y/N.” He replied, his voice strained. “Really.”

“You’re lying.”

“The light’s green.” The car honking behind you confirmed just as much. You turned back forward, the obvious tension in the air unsettling you to no end.

When you pulled up the photoshoot location, a brick building downtown, you turned to Izzy determinedly.

“I’m sorry if...maybe did something to upset you. I just hope you know I’m here if you need someone to talk to.” You told him, trying not to allow your own hurt to leak into your voice.

“What? No, no, Y/N...” Izzy said quickly, his voice softening immediately. The shift in his demeanor made you feel a little better and now you waited patiently as he sighed and leaned his head back against the seat. “It’s just...these photoshoots, you know? I hate ‘em.”

“Well, I can understand that.” You soothed, your heart pounding as you considered your next words. “But I mean, I’m sure you make it easy on these photographers.” He glanced over at you in confusion.

“What do you mean?” You felt your face growing hot and you were already regretting the path you steered the conversation.

“Just that...well, I mean, look at you.” He snorted a little at your words and pulled down the mirror on the visor.

“Yeah, fucking tell me about it.” He muttered quietly, before proceeding to pull more of his hair over his eyes and face. “I just feel uncomfortable the whole time. It’s easy for Axl or the other guys, but...”

“Why do you feel uncomfortable?” Izzy’s eyes flashed at your question and had him once again turning to stare out the window.

“It’s dumb. I just remember the last time we did one of these and looking at the pictures afterwards and noticing, just, how much I hate my nose, and just, the expressions I make…”

“What?” You demanded.

“…and having your here today makes things worse...”

“Worse?” You asked, now almost growing offended.

“Well, yeah, because now you’re gonna be there and watching and I already feel uncomfortable as it is, but having you there in front of me...”

“But I think you’re perfect.” You blurted out before you could catch yourself. Izzy whipped his head towards you and it was now your turn to avoid his gaze and study the fabric of your jeans instead. After a long moment, you heard him scoff. Instantly your stomach dropped and you waited for the rejection.

“Are you...was that a joke?” He asked.

“No.” You said, feeling your eyebrows pull together as you looked up. For the first time the whole car ride, the both of you shared the same gaze, unguarded and vulnerable. “I mean, I do think that. I don’t think there’s a single thing wrong with you.” Izzy continued to stare at you for a long moment, unmoving and just blinking, lost in thought.

“I thought Duff was joking.” You felt your mouth drop.

“He told?” Izzy chuckled a little.

“All this time I thought there was no way you could be interested in me.” Summoning up just about every last bit of your courage, you reached out to brush the back of your fingers against his cheek, swiping the hair from his eyes. He even let you tuck some of the strands behind his ears.

“I’ve always been very interested in you.” You murmured, smiling. “I really care about you Izzy, and I mean it. I love everything about you.”

“I love you.” Izzy blurted out, taking you by surprise. A gentle blush colored his cheeks and his eyes grew wide. “Shit—I mean, I meant to say I-I love everything about you too...”

“Well, now that you said it first, I’m pretty sure I love you too.” you teased him, making him chuckle. Izzy reached his hand up to grab the hand you still had resting against his cheek and hold in his own. He pressed his lips against your fingers, but the moment was interrupted at the sound of knocking on your window. The rest of the band was peering in.

“Aww! Yes!” Steven cooed, making a heart with his hands together.

“Did you tell him?” Duff asked, sounding like a nosy mom more than ever.

“Are you guys about to fuck?” Slash asked even more obnoxiously, peering into the car. You threw open the door, causing them all to stumble backwards and Izzy to laugh.

“Yes, and no.” You said, sending a look to Slash in particular.

“Yeah, of course not; they’re just gonna do it ten minutes from now in the bathroom.” Axl teased. You rolled your eyes and shook your head as they began laughing and felt an arm go around your shoulder as Izzy came up beside you.

“You guys never know when to shut up.” He told his bandmates, before looking down at you as if to check. His eyes, now clearly visible, were asking you silently, is this okay? You grinned up at him and kissed his cheek before you snuck your arm behind his back to confirm, yes. It was more than okay.

[kittyprincessofcats]

I love both shows (Spop and Su) but I wanted to ask about some things you’ve said:

“Can’t believe “It’s okay for fans to be disappointed when oppressive dictators who’ve murdered millions and have tried to kill the protagonists before get forgiven without having to face consequences” is a so hard to understand for some people, but here we are”

“So did Steven Univerae end with the Diamonds in prison where they should be, or did I do well to stop watching when I did?”

With that logic can’t the very same thing be said and applied to She ra regarding Catra?

“So did She ra end with Catra in prison where she should be, or did I do well to stop watching when I did?”

Hi there. First of all, I want to say sorry for taking so long answer this. January’s been a very busy month for me and I literally just didn’t have the time to write the kind of reply I think this ask deserves.

Next, I want to make a few things clear just so we’re on the same page:

I love both shows as well and nothing I’m about to say is intended to be seen as hate against Steven Universe. SU meant a lot to me and I was a big fan of it for many years. Change Your Mind disappointed me a lot as an episode and as a finale, precisely because I didn’t want the Diamonds to get any sort of redemption, but just because it was a dealbreaker for *me*, that doesn’t mean I harbor any ill feelings towards the fans or writers of the show. None of this is meant to be a personal attack against anyone who worked on this show or likes it.

I stopped watching SU after CYM, so this post will ignore anything beyond that. I have not seen the SU movie or Steven Universe Future and I don’t intend to. Please don’t try to convince me otherwise. I’m not comfortable watching more.

I wrote the posts you quoted because I got quite a few rude messages after I said I didn’t like Change Your Mind and that I don’t want to keep watching SU. The first one was a response to people who were giving me a hard time for not liking the Diamond redemption – it wasn’t me saying that /no one/ should like it, just that my feelings on it were valid as well and people shouldn’t badger me about it.

In that sense, YES you could say the same thing about Catra! If someone wanted to stop watching SPOP because Catra’s redemption made them uncomfortable (maybe because they knew someone like her in real life or something similar), that’d be absolutely fine! I’d never send them the kind of messages I got or try to pressure them into continuing a show they’re not comfortable continuing. Because respecting real people is more important than a show or a fictional character.

I’ll be honest: I’m a little tired of justifying my feelings about the SU finale to people. But I believe you’re asking out of genuine curiosity and I haven’t made too many posts defending Catra yet, so I’ll try to analyze this step by step for you – and anyone else who might be curious.

So, without further ado: Here’s my essay on why Catra’s redemption works for me but the Diamonds’ doesn’t.

Short explanation: Because if you compare the scale of their actions, their motivations, what’s supposed to make them sympathetic to the audience, their build-up, and how their respective redemptions are handled, then the Diamonds aren’t an equivalent to Catra – they’re an equivalent to Horde Prime. And if SPOP had suddenly redeemed Horde Prime at the last minute after building him up as the big bad, I wouldn’t have liked that either.

Long (very long) explanation under the cut

Okay, let’s get into this in detail.

1.     The scale of their actions

Let’s look at the evil stuff these characters have done first.

The Diamonds: Created an intergalactic empire, conquered millions of planets (destroying all life of them in the process) for millions of years, created a strict caste system in which all gems only have one function to follow and where Pearls are essentially slaves who have to obey every order, persecute and send shattering robonoids after gems that don’t fit into the system or fuse outside of their caste (off-colors), created a human zoo and kidnapped people for it, shattered anyone who wasn’t loyal to them, bubbled all the Rose Quartzes, created the Cluster and the other fusion experiments out of the shards of their fallen enemies (essentially torturing them for all eternity), corrupted all the gems on Earth, including those that were loyal to them. And that’s just what we get told upfront in the show. We’re talking about intergalactic dictators with no respect for life who will ruthlessly kill anyone who gets in their way.

Catra: Helped Hordak conquer one (1) planet. Bad, yes – but not nearly on the same scale as devoting eons to conquering entire galaxies. Also, Catra isn’t the one who founded the Horde in the first place; she just happened to grow up there (likely because she was taken from her real home as a baby) and was raised with their ideals. The Diamonds, on the other hand *are* the people who started their empire.

So yeah, the Diamonds aren’t Catra – they’re Horde Prime. He’s the one who founded the intergalactic Horde and destroyed millions of planets. (There’s even a whole parallel about how both Horde Prime and White Diamond think they’re perfect and everyone should be like them…)

Now, you could argue that Catra opening the portal was a crime on a larger scale. But even that would have likely only destroyed Etheria – one planet, not millions. The scale we’re talking about is still way smaller than Horde Prime’s or the Diamonds’ actions.

Catra’s other “crimes” in the show are things like being a toxic friend, manipulating and lying to people. Those are things I’m going to ignore for this post, since you specifically asked if Catra shouldn’t be in prison for her crimes. Being a toxic friend is bad and all, but it’s not actually something illegal that you can get thrown in jail for, so it’s irrelevant for this discussion. And it still wouldn’t be on the scale of the Diamonds, who, let me repeat, have destroyed countless galaxies.

2.     Motivations for their actions

“But what about *why* they did all of those things? Isn’t that relevant?” It is, and I’m glad you asked. Let’s have a look.

Catra: Catra grew up in the Horde through no fault of her own and was mistreated and abused her whole life to the point where survival and safety became her primary motivations. She was treated as second best to Adora, filling her with a desire to prove herself. She got told as a child that she’s only worth “keeping around” if Adora values her, so she tied her self-worth to Adora’s approval. She feels betrayed when Adora leaves the Horde, because she interprets it as Adora caring more about strangers than about her. She stays with the Horde because they’re the devil she knows, because she wants to prove herself and because she’s hurt about the only person who ever showed her kindness leaving her. She grew up without a proper parental figure and without ever learning what healthy relationships are supposed to work like, so it’s understandable why she has no concept of it. She opens the portal because she sees her abuser working with (and seemingly being accepted by) her enemies and that knowledge makes her feel powerless to the point where she’d do anything to get back at them. She’s been abused and victimized her entire life and all of her actions are a direct result of that. Catra thinks that if she gains enough power, it’ll finally give her the safety and approval she craves.

In general, Catra’s story always makes it clear that she’s a victim of physical and emotional abuse who never learned what healthy relationships are supposed to look like and who’s lashing out in the only way she knows how. Some people might disagree on this, but I personally never had a point in the show where I couldn’t relate to her or couldn’t understand why she’s doing a certain thing. SPOP did a brilliant job of making sure that even at her lowest point, Catra’s actions are still understandable when you think from her point of view.

The Diamonds: … Uhm yeah, I’m drawing a blank here. Unless there’s some explanation in the movie or SU Future, we never actually learn why they did any of what they did. We get an explanation for some of their deeds – that they created the zoo because they thought Pink wanted it, that they corrupted the gems as revenge for Pink’s supposed death – but what the show never goes into is the real problem: Why they’re dictators in the first place. Why they consider themselves superior to other gems. Why they shatter anyone who doesn’t fit it, etc. They’re just dictators… because they’re dictators. We never get to understand their motivations.

And just to be clear – I think that in itself is perfectly fine. I don’t think SU should have had to give us any more explanation than that. SPOP also never explains why Horde Prime conquers other planets in the first place. He just does it because he’s evil and power-hungry and the show needs an antagonist. I think not giving a villain a deeper motivation is fine – if you’re not planning to redeem them.

3.     What makes them sympathetic

Catra: I pretty much explained this already. We’re told from season 1 that Catra was abused by Shadow Weaver, that Adora was the only person who cared about her, that she was always treated like she was second-best. Heck, there’s an entire backstory episode just about everything Catra’s been through. We’re meant to feel bad for her, even when she’s evil. We’re meant to cheer for her when she stands up to Shadow Weaver and defeats her. We’re meant to feel for her when Shadow Weaver stabs her in the back and Hordak sends her to the Crimson Waste. Her entire breakdown is meant to be tragic and engaging. When you’ve watched a character suffer so much through no/little fault of their own, when you’ve watched them stand up to bigger villains in a way that makes you root for them, it makes sense that you want them to eventually get their happy ending.

The Diamonds: I realize in retrospect that the writers probably meant for us to feel bad for the Diamonds, too. Like when they’re grieving Pink, during What’s the Use of Feeling, Blue?, or when they complain how stressed they are in Change Your Mind. But the thing is… it just didn’t work for me. After the show spent all that time showing us all the death, despair, and destructions the Diamonds had caused, after it was made clear that the Crystal Gems had lost multiple friends and allies to them, it just didn’t make me feel sympathetic that the diamonds had lost one (1) person. So what if someone shattered Pink for being a dictator? The Diamonds themselves have shattered millions of gems and now that it’s someone they care about I was suddenly meant to feel bad for them? I didn’t.

When That Will Be All first aired, I loved What’s the Use of Feeling, Blue? – because I thought the show was doing this brilliant thing where they show that evil people can still have loved ones and have feelings but that doesn’t make them less evil. Every horrible person in history had feelings and loved ones. That doesn’t excuse their actions. In retrospect I find it disappointing to know that we were meant start feeling bad for the Diamonds due to their grief for Pink, that we were meant to see Pink/Rose as the evil one for starting a rebellion against them, that we were supposed to believe Bismuth was in the wrong. Rebelling against a dictatorship is a good thing. Standing up for equality is a good thing. I don’t like that the show suddenly tried to spread this message that conflict is always bad even when you’re actively fighting against tyranny and oppression. What happened to the Crystal Gems and their cause? What happened to the Steven from season 1 who reassured Lapis that “They’re mean, and that’s why we *have to* fight them”? And no, the “but being a dictator is so stressful, please feel bad for us” part didn’t work for me either.

4.     A well-written redemption arc

For a well-written redemption arc, a character needs to actually regret what they’ve done and realize they were wrong. Then they need to put in the effort to be better from now. They need to… actually change. And then they need to do things that make up for their actions.

Catra: We get to see Catra go through an amazing character arc that culminates in her redemption and her eventual love-confession to Adora. The entire arc that was built for her over 5 seasons leads up to that moment and it’s so satisfying when it finally happens because it makes sense. We get to see her make big mistakes, get to see how she finally even scares Scorpia away, how Scorpia leaving breaks her, how Double Trouble gives her a harsh but needed lecture, how she understands that she and Glimmer aren’t so different, how she finally remembers Adora and decides to save her. We see her regret her actions as early as season 1, when she feels visibly bad after leaving Adora on the cliff in the temple. In season 4, she has nightmares about Entrapta and feels guilty for what she did to her and for opening the portal.

And from the moment she decides to change, she’s willing to make huge personal sacrifices to make up for her actions: She sacrifices herself to save Glimmer, gets tortured, mind-controlled and nearly dies in the process. The heroes saving her doesn’t come from nowhere and their forgiveness is well-earned because she was willing to put herself on the line to save someone else. She then keeps helping the heroes, apologizes to everyone she’s hurt, is again willing to sacrifice herself for Adora in the finale, and finally saves the entire universe from Horde Prime by staying with Adora and confessing her love to her. If we’re trying to be realistic about this – I’d say saving the whole universe from an intergalactic dictator would at least dramatically shorten her prison sentence? So no, I don’t think Catra should have ended up in prison.

The Diamonds: So the thing about their redemption arc is… they don’t really have one. We’re just kind of meant to forgive them out of the blue. Steven and the Crystal Gems ask the Diamonds for help to cure the corrupted gems and they manage to convince them, but there’s never any point where the Diamonds regret their actions. They only start to regret their actions towards Steven and Pink, but there’s never even an ounce of regret for what they did to anyone else. The Cluster? The deaths? The millions of destroyed planets and civilization? The humans and Rose Quartzes in the zoo? The presumably thousands of off-colors fighting for their lives underground on homeworld every second? That’s all swept under the rug in the finale. And therefore, the Diamonds can’t even get to the point where they make sacrifices for someone else or do anything that would lead me to forgive them, because they’re not even at a point where they realize they’ve done anything wrong. The show treats them like they’re redeemed in the end, but they’re not. Everything they’ve done just gets ignored.

5.     Being held accountable for their actions

Another thing that’s important for redemption arcs is that the heroes don’t just ignore what a character has done and act like it never happened.

Catra: SPOP never shies away from admitting that Catra has done bad things. Even after her heroic sacrifice, the other characters don’t just all forgive Catra at once. Adora still calls her out when she’s being selfish, some of other princesses are resentful towards her, Frosta punches her in the face, etc. One heroic sacrifice isn’t enough: You see Catra constantly working on herself afterwards and doing what she can to become a better person and make up for her actions. And most importantly, those actions are addressed in the show. (Arguably they could have addressed what happened to Angella again, but overall Catra’s actions get acknowledged in the show.)

The Diamonds: My other big problem with SU suddenly acting like the Diamonds are redeemed is that their actions never get addressed. People act like when I say I wanted the Diamonds to be held accountable that means I wanted Steven to shatter them in cold blood – no, I just wanted Steven to at least *say* that what they’re doing is wrong. Like I said, all of their actions other than corrupting gems and treating Steven & Pink badly completely get swept under the rug in Change Your Mind. It’s like we’re meant to assume that everything else will be fine now just because Steven managed to convince the Diamonds to do one (1) thing for him. What will happen to their colonies now? What about the humans and Rose Quartzes in the zoo? What about all the off-colors fighting for their lives underground on homeworld? What about the enslaved Pearls and the class system? None of that ever gets addressed in the finale – we’re just supposed to take that happy ending at face value and believe that all the other stuff will get fixed now, even though the show never says that!

(Before you tell me how any of that gets addressed in the movie or in Steven Universe Future – I don’t care. SU Future is a new show that takes place after a timeskip. The movie is also a separate thing. SU should make sense as a show on its own and it doesn’t. Change Your Mind was presented as a finale and therefore should wrap up the most important plots and it didn’t.)

For all we know after watching CYM, Steven doesn’t actually care about anything the Diamonds have done. He’s sitting on their shoulders and laughing with them in the end and we’re meant to take that as a happy ending. For all we know, there’s still an oppressive class system and gems getting shattered for not fitting into it on homeworld. The Cluster’s still suffering. The Pearls are still slaves. The Diamonds are still dictators and that aspect never changed – because it’s never addressed. When White Pearl regains consciousness, Steven says “Welcome Back”, but nothing in this episode ever implies that she’s not still WD’s slave. When Lars and the Off-colors arrive on Earth, the fact that they’re terrified of the Diamonds is played for laughs. The finale revolves only around Steven’s feelings while Garnet and Pearl never get a moment of standing up to the people who hurt them.

“But Steven needed the Diamonds’ help the heal the corrupted gems!”

Yes, that’s the in-universe explanation. But a writer still invented that rule. And even so, they could have added a scene where Steven takes the Crystal Gems aside and tells them “Hey, I know these people killed many of your friends, enslaved and persecuted you, but I just want you to know that I don’t actually like them or consider them family and I’m only doing this to help the corrupted gems. You’re my real family.”

6.     Identifying with their victims

I don’t remember who made that post, but there was a post on Tumblr somewhere that said that how likely someone is to forgive a villain often depends on how much they identify with the people that villain has hurt. And if I’m being very honest, that’s what a lot of my hate for the Diamonds boils down to:

The Diamonds don’t appear in Steven Universe until way later in the show. The way we first learn about them is indirect. We know the Crystal Gems fought a war against someone and are hiding on Earth from someone, but that someone doesn’t get a face until way later. By that point, we’ve already been told that fusions like Garnet are illegal on homeworld, that Pearls are considered lesser gems, and that Amethyst would be defective by homeworld’s standards. And all of those things made me personally sympathize with the Crystal Gems and their found family of misfits – and it made me angry at whoever did all of this to them. You can easily read the discrimination Ruby and Sapphire faced for their relationship as a metaphor for homophobia or prejudice against interracial relationships, the discrimination Pearl faces as racism or classism and how Amethyst is treated as ableism.

(Getting personal here for a moment: I’m gay and my parents are from a homophobic country that’s run by a dictator, so I strongly identified with Garnet and how she can’t go back to homeworld because she wouldn’t be allowed to exist as her true self there. Am I maybe reading too much into the show there? Yeah. But honestly, if the Diamonds’ redemption relies on people not identifying with the Crystal Gems – aka the literal protagonists of the show – too much, then maybe it’s just not a good idea. Yeah, maybe if I hadn’t identified with the CGs so strongly, I wouldn’t have minded the Diamond redemption – but it also means I’d have never loved SU as much in the first place.)

What I’m saying is that we first learn about the Diamonds from the point of view of the people they oppressed, persecuted, and tried to kill. We also meet the off-colors and learn about their plight, how they had to spend eons hiding from robots that want to kill them, how they believe the way they are is wrong, etc. We see the Cluster, the people in the zoo etc. and get told the Diamonds did all of this. And then Change Your Mind expects us to suddenly randomly forgive them with no build-up and be okay with Steven calling them “family” over the actual people who raised him.

Catra, on the other hand, is first introduced to us as Adora’s best friend. We get to meet her from the point of view of the protagonist who obviously loves her. Throughout their separation and their struggle, the relationship between these two characters drives the show. Their episodes together are emotional and well-written and make the audience root for them to eventually find their way back together again. We meet her as an abuse-victim who thinks her best friend left her, and we get so many reasons to sympathize with her before she ever hurts anyone.

(And yeah, it helps that the show never lets us personally meet any of the people from the lands she conquered. Yes, we feel bad for Scorpia and all that – but again, being a toxic friend isn’t actually a crime. And yes, we feel bad for Entrapta - but so does Catra, and Entrapta ends up being fine and forgiving her.)

7.     A satisfying ending for a show

This is more general, but SU didn’t have a satisfying conclusion imo, because almost none of the things that needed fixing were ever addressed. We’re meant to take “but the Diamonds say please and thank you now” as a good conclusion without getting to the part where they murder people every day. For all we know, Steven doesn’t even care about that part because the writers never made him act like he does.

And yes, I realize that the Diamonds are meant to be a metaphor for a conservative family that finally learns to accept their queer child (Steven), but that metaphor just didn’t work for me (a queer child of an unaccepting family) at all. Because they’re not presented as an unaccepting family: The show spent 4 seasons building them up as dictators and the ultimate big bad, only to drop the “they’re related to Steven” thing in there last minute and sweep the other stuff under the rug. We’ve also spent 5 seasons seeing the Crystal Gems, the people who literally raised him, as Steven’s family, so suddenly giving that title to their oppressors feels super wrong to me.

To give you a comparison, imagine the following ending for She-Ra: Near the end of season 5, Adora suddenly finds out she’s Horde Prime’s long-lost granddaughter. After calling him out for treating her/her parents badly, he finally regrets that part of his actions and promises to leave Etheria alone so Adora and her friends can live there in peace. However, he’s still going to conquer and destroy the rest of the universe and keep Hordak and the other clones mind-controlled. Adora is fine with this and you see her and Horde Prime laughing together in the end. Catra and all the other people Horde Prime chipped and tortured are seen being okay with him now because as long as Adora, the main character, is happy all the hurt Horde Prime caused anyone else doesn’t matter. When the Star Siblings show up on Etheria while fleeing from the Horde army, the fact that they’re scared of Horde Prime is played for laughs. The End.

… Sounds pretty stupid, doesn’t it? I’m glad SPOP had the guts to just let Adora kill Horde Prime instead. Because some people are not redeemable, and that’s an important lesson, too.

Anyways, I’ve been rambling for too long. The bottom line is: The Diamonds are way more comparable to Horde Prime than to Catra. The scale of their actions is the same as that of Horde Prime, their motivations are never explained, we never get any reasons to sympathize with them, the main characters have all been victims of their regime, their redemption arc is nonexistent, they never get called out for their actions and the way their story is concluded is just badly written and leaves way too many factors unaddressed. They get forgiven without ever even being sorry and the Crystal Gems never get a moment to shine and stand up to them. So yes, I consider them irredeemable and was disappointed the show didn’t end with them getting imprisoned at least. (I was kind of hoping for a Homeworld revolution where everyone finally stands up to them, but… *sigh*.) If the show was going to redeem them, they should have at least done it properly by actually showing them have a change of heart and making them try to make up for their actions, instead of letting us assume that all happened off-screen.

Catra on the other hand gets presented as someone to root for from the beginning. She’s only in the Horde due to unfortunate circumstances, got abused and mistreated her whole life, is motivated by a desperate attempt to prove herself and make sure she doesn’t get hurt again, and never committed crimes on the same scale as the Diamonds. Her change of heart is believable and what her arc has been building up to for 4 seasons, she makes great personal sacrifices for Glimmer and Adora, gets held accountable for her actions, helps save the entire universe and is a character who has already suffered her entire life – so yes, I strongly believe that she deserves to live a happy, free, and peaceful life after the show.

[novantinuum]

Shattering Atlas (a corrupted!Steven one-shot)

Fandom: Steven Universe

Rating: T (TW: depression and body horror)

Words: 4.2K~

Summary: A boy can only carry an entire galaxy upon his back for so long before the weight of it all finally becomes too much.

Folks, here it is! I’m finally finished. AO3 link to be posted in the reblogs.

Disclaimer: This is absolutely far darker and more drastic than I believe canon would EVER tread if this theory had the faintest chance of being anywhere close to the truth, but sometimes you just feel like being super angsty for angst's sake, y'feel? It was an interesting writing experiment nonetheless. Not gonna lie, this is kinda a vent piece. Please do heed those tags. This delves into some difficult territory both mentally and otherwise, as it's written entirely from Steven's POV.

_____

Steven knows he’s messed-up.

It’s not something he tries to advertise to all the sweet, innocent people who somehow after all this time still choose to stand by his side, but he can’t lie to himself. Spending a significant chunk of your childhood actively doubting your own personhood shatters you in ways no amount of unconditional love can ever hope to mend. And sure, he’s not his mom. He knows that. Been there, had the mental breakdown, seen it, done it. The proof’s in his gem half. He knows. But as much as everyone in his life coddles him, gently tries to reassure him while he tirelessly works day and night to realign the foundation of an entire ancient civilization...

“You’re almost an adult now, isn’t that exciting?”

“Don’t worry about the future, the futures I see for you are as limitless as they are bright.”

“Take a break if you need to, ‘kay? You totally deserve one, little man.”

“Y’know, Schtu-ball, the wonderful thing about adulthood is that you can choose to fly wherever the wind takes you!”

...it’s clear none of that matters anyways. Because it’s not true, not for him. Because beyond his identity as a Crystal Gem, beyond that bottomless desire for belonging he’s been chasing all his life, ever since the fateful moment early in his childhood in which he finally realized— small, pudgy hands clutching at the oversized hand-me-down shirt right over the pink hand-me-down gem in his belly— that he isn’t like anyone else and never will be, the truth is that he genuinely doesn’t know what he wants. Who he is.

Everyone else does.

Connie has plans. Hopes, dreams. A future. She’s already thinking about college, and aims on double majoring in political science and environmental science. (A combination only she’s daring enough to pursue, but if anyone’s got the drive to succeed in that it’s her.) Dad’s still manager for Sadie Killer and the Suspects, and they’re going strong. Amethyst has been playing tour guide to all her fellow Prime sisters lately, galavanting with them all around planet Earth. Garnet is currently on the search for terrified cross-fusion Gems still in hiding across the galaxy. Pearl, Bismuth, and a number of the boardies have spearheaded a campaign to help slowly teach and integrate the humans of the Zoo into modern day society. Lapis and Peridot recently built another barn in the outskirts of Little Homeworld, and are enjoying each other’s company.

But him? When all is said and done, as the restructured Gem society stabilizes and soon no one will need him for anything anymore, when Gems and humans alike stop knocking on his metaphoric door with handfuls of their problems for him to drop everything and solve, he has nothing left. He’s no one. No future, no clue. He’s been drained empty.

He’s just drifting through life with the parking break on, continuously waiting— his nerves jittering at every quiet moment— for the next big crisis to crash into his universe and drop feed him even the tinniest shard of purpose.

After all, what is one to do when they’ve spent their entire life training to save the world, but the world has already been saved?

_____

He can’t recall exactly when his current predicament began anymore.

Time’s been hard to keep track of as of late— the days and weeks blending together in an incomprehensible fashion— and yet simultaneously, he might as well have lived a lifetime in the span of the blink of an eye. That being said, he’s pretty sure his most recent gem troubles didn’t truly kick into gear until after the incident with the, erm... cactus monstrosities.

He genuinely didn’t mean to hurt anyone, he didn’t. He only wanted to help... to heal. To try and repair but a shred of the damage Homeworld wrought on this innocent world. It worked when Earth was poisoned, so it should work in the Kindergartens too, right?

Wrong. Very wrong.

His stomach churns as he catches a glimpse of a silly photo of Peridot and himself hanging on the wall by the stairs. A static monument to his shame. Lapis is (still, days later— or is it weeks?) taking care of her gemstone at this very moment, sure, but remembering what happened before that... holding Peridot’s cracked gem in his quivering hands, biting back cries of hopelessness as he ran to the nearest warp pad, escaping from the malformed, hurting creatures born of his own magic... it‘s the kind of horror that he’s sure will linger in his dreams for a long time yet.

It’s like he’s broken. Like his powers just aren’t coming as naturally to him anymore. It’s not quite like that time with the rejuvenator. There’s no sickly glow flickering in and out of existence. No external force acting upon it. No, it’s deeper than that. It’s not a gem sourced problem, it’s him. He’s just... wrong. He’ll try to use his healing ability and it’ll backfire, he’ll summon his bubbles and shields but they’re noticeably less durable, he’ll birth life from his very soul and it’ll grow bitter and corrupt, every bit a mirror of his present mental state. He’ll jump up high in the sky to burn out years of repressed stress in semi-peace and before he can actually do so gravity will grab ahold of him like he’s a petulant, disobedient child and drag him back to the shore. It makes him want to scream, to grind his fingers into the sand so hard his knuckles go white as he sobs out every last one of his stupid, meaningless frustrations, but instead his house is always swarming with people, and his bedroom has no real door, (and he’s too embarrassed to ask for one), and in sum he can never find enough time alone to freely be his genuine messed-up self. It’s fine, though. He doubts he’s capable of crying at this point anyways.

“Dude, you okay?” Amethyst asks with brows furrowed in concern, snapping him back to reality.

His GameStation controller rests precariously in his loose grasp, entirely forgotten in the previous moment. The game they’re playing is paused. He must have blanked out again, and completely ruined their co-op fight. He lets out a shaky breath as he tightens his fingers around the plastic grips, digging into them as if they’re his sole handle on reality.

“Yeah, sorry,” he says swiftly, plastering a smile on his face with the ease of someone who’s been growing adept at this endless charade for months and months. “Didn’t sleep too well last night. Muscle cramps from training, y’know?”

He watches her closely, catalogues every minute shift in her features. Her eyes narrow so slightly that anyone else might’ve missed it. But he doesn’t. He’s observant. He’s gotta be. It’s the only way he’s kept going for this long, the only way he can ensure no one else knows. They don’t need any more worry. Regardless, Amethyst’s lack of subtlety betrays her, because it’s clear she’s searching his expression and body language right back. His chest pounds. Hastily, he holds up the controller, feeling his face go pale under her scrutiny.

Geeze, how pathetic.

No matter how hard he tries to mask it, he‘s already falling apart.

“So... we gonna play another round, or?” Right as he says this, his stomach chooses to let out an inopportune gurgle. He bites at the insides of his cheeks, inwardly cursing at the bad timing.

It’s thankfully enough to divert Amethyst’s attention from... other matters, though.

“Yo. Ste-man. Your stomach’s straight up monologuing. Have you even eaten today?”

He dimly considers this as he tries not to focus on how empty and faint his body currently feels, mind turning to fuzz. “Uhh...”

She frowns, and promptly pulls herself to her feet. “Yeah, so I’m gonna take that as a no. I’ll be right back, ‘kay? Gonna get us some cheese!” she declares bombastically, putting on a mock announcer voice.

He watches her leave his room, prancing downstairs like she doesn’t have a care in the world. A faint huff of sheer relief passes through his nostrils. Absentmindedly, his thumbs jiggle the controller’s joystick, unable to strike the earlier image of Amethyst— concern engulfing her usually carefree self— from his mind. He really should be more careful about what he says. How he acts.

He honestly couldn’t live with himself if he slipped up and became yet another emotionally taxing problem for them to deal with. Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl... all his family, his friends. They deserve peace. They deserve to be satisfied, they deserve their happily ever after. They certainly don’t deserve him, self-destructing all over the bright and shining future they’d won.

Or nearly shattering them.

Putting them in needless danger, danger that’s all his fault, because he’s broken.

His throat grows tight, airway constricted, images of black beady eyes, razor sharp fangs, and malformed limbs invading his thoughts, clawing away at insecurities long scabbed over until they ooze a bitter red. Peridot’s shrill yelp as she’s overtaken in an instant. That dreadful, immediately recognizable sound, a cracking Gem, seared onto his heart for the rest of time.

He... he can’t deny it anymore. His magic’s gone toxic. He’s toxic, bringing suffering and decay where once he brought healing. All his Gem powers are fading, maybe forever. And with them fading, he’ll soon be of no use to anyone, and when they realize why they faded they won’t want him around anyways, and y’know, it’s probably for the better they’ll have a concrete reason to finally push him away. He’s not stupid. He’s always known what an emotionally taxing strain he’s been on everyone, ever since the day Mom died for him to be born.

Steven grips the controller so hard that his fingers grow numb, mind stewing in the dark fantasies of what he’d like to do with himself when he’s left behind for good.

And then... his heart leaps in his throat as he dimly hears Amethyst begin to whisper to the others (they’re back? They’re back?? When did they return, why didn’t you notice them, how could you just miss—) downstairs.

“Y’guys,” he hears her say frantically, under her breath, “I think we really gotta talk with Steven. Something’s seriously wrong, and he won’t tell me what.”

“What, you mean to say he’s in danger? Garnet, do you see anything?”

“Hmm. I don’t foresee any external threats to Steven’s safety in the near future, but...”

“Amethyst, he’s clearly still upset about Peridot. And once she reforms in a few days, when she’s ready, he’ll be fine! Trust me.“

“No, trust me, I genuinely think this is more than just Peridot! It’s getting me super worried. He hasn’t been eating like he should, y’guys. I don’t think he’s showered in days. Sometimes it’s like he’s... I dunno, like, he isn’t even fully present. And y’know, thinking about it now? It’s been like this for a while. Since before all the cactus stuff.”

“Well, if he doesn’t want to talk about it, I’m not sure how we could—“

“We need to call Greg over,” Garnet interrupts Pearl, a new, thinly veiled panic rising in her voice. “Right now.”

His eyes stretch open wide.

Oh.

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no... Not here, not now, not— please, not now!

His breath hastens, his body outright shaking now. He curls tight into himself, the game controller dropping from his slackened fingers onto the floor as he clutches his knees to his chest. Sweat beads in droplets on his forehead. He outright yanks at his hair.

Amethyst, she can’t just waltz downstairs and!—

I don’t want to—

Peridot, getting cracked, I- it’s all my fault and she didn’t—

I- all of this- I’m so useless, careless, l- I’m losing my mind, what’s even wrong- why are you panicking!- I don’t—

T-they can’t know, they can’t know, they CAN’T—

He can’t fully bite back his cries as his gem flares burning hot, a rush of pure, unadulterated agony spiking through his hard light veins in an indescribably eternal split-second, the very experience of hypocrisy. Every single muscle in his body seizes. His ears ring, filled with a cacophonous clamor of sound that slashes through his mind with the deadly force of a long blade. Crippling. Debilitating. All-consuming. Hell. This is hell. Because then his head is pounding, and his limbs are all weak and shaky, and for a moment he’s bathed in a faint wash of pink, the glow enveloping him like his own corona of sickness as he succumbs to the pain he’s sequestered inside, bitterly festering for all these years.

Hell eventually recedes, both its note and its physical touch, but the dark clouds looming over his mind do not. Slowly, he loosens his grip on his curls, trying desperately to bring balance to his breathing. His ears are still ringing. His head is still cotton. Questions abound. For instance: what on Earth was that?? Stars, is something else wrong with his gem now, too? Thoroughly disorientated, he yanks up the hem of his shirt.

“Steven?!” Pearl calls frantically from downstairs, right as his trembling fingers gently trace the exposed facets of his gem. “Are you okay up there?”

He squints, features compressing in his sheer confusion. Visually, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it. No imperfections, no flickering light, nothing. So then what’s—

“Hey, Steven? Yo?? You, uh- maybe wanna come eat downstairs, or?”

A shudder runs clear through his form, starting from his gem and coursing outwards to the furthest extremities. He grits his teeth as he rides through the stabbing discomfort, clutching at his stomach. It’s like he’s about to vomit. Sure, so maybe he was really hungry before, and maybe that has a little to do with what he’s experiencing now, but... this... still doesn’t feel right. Spots swim in his vision as he glances down again.

And that’s when he sees it, slowly creeping across the skin of his bare forearm as clear as day.

It’s a patch of dull, pinkish hide. Not human skin, hide. He runs his index finger along its perimeter, all of reality screeching to a halt as his brain performs somersaults in a desperate last-ditch attempt to contextualize the information his eyes are sending him right now.

“What?” he whispers in disbelief, (even though he has a few terrifying theories), frantic heartbeat pounding in his ears like a drum.

“I’m checking on him,” Garnet says, just loud enough that he knows for certain she intends him to hear. Solid footsteps creep across the floorboards, advancing towards the foot of the stairs.

It’s frankly impressive how fast a single stimulus can turn panic to outright paranoia.

He almost trips over himself diving to retrieve his jacket off the floor, forcing his arms through the sleeves faster than any of the Gems could ever summon their weapons. Hide it. Hide it away. They can’t see you, they can’t know you’re corru- NO! Stop.

Bathroom. He needs to get to the bathroom.

His bare feet solidly connect with the floor, toes curling inwards as he shudders again. A pulsing ache settles into the bones of his skull. Then a prickle at his neck. Reflexively, he slaps his hand against the affected locale. There’s another spot steadily growing there.

Alone, NOW.

The whole world’s spinning as he turns on his heels and flies across the length of his bedroom— sprinting past the TV, shoving past Garnet, who’s already halfway up the open stairwell, and leaping clear over the couch from midway down the last set of steps. (Everyone’s shouting in blind panic as he enters their sight. Fear. Needless, unwanted worry. Calling his name, calling for peace, but his ears are still ringing and their voices are overlapping and he can’t distinguish any of it.) When he reaches the bathroom his hand grips the knob so hard that the metal almost crumples under his force, and he swings himself through the doorway, slams it shut, and turns the lock with pink-splotched fingers faster than any one of the Gems can move to stop him.

For a split moment, things are okay. He’s alone. Moreover, he’s safe.

(But are you really?)

His head is pounding again, the pulsing at his temples soon coalescing into a constant inescapable misery. Letting his eyes flutter shut, he lets his forehead lull against the door. Flexes his knuckles, imagines the splotches disappearing from sight as easily as eye bags under makeup. He tries to calm his breathing in the meditative way Garnet once showed him. In for four counts... and out. In... and out. Come on, just ride it out, Universe. You’re a Gem- a diamond, for cripe’s sake! Control it. Conceal. Move on.

“Steven?!” Amethyst calls from outside. “Please talk to us, what’s goin’ on?”

"Whatever it is, you don't have to be alone!" Pearl adds. He doesn't even have to see her face to know that she's crying.

A renewed burst of panic spikes through his veins at this realization.

“Stop worrying about me, I’m fine!” he bites back on impulse.

“No, you’re NOT!” Amethyst hollers, and then... after a thoughtful pause, her tone softening: “I- I know you’re not.”

He stares down at his hands, brows threading together, watching as the patch of hide continues to inch across his skin. The genuine concern interlaced in every syllable of her speech is enough to make his gut churn with guilt.

“Steven, I... stars, I know you probably overheard me talking to everyone jus’ a second ago, and I know I probably betrayed every scrap of trust we ever had ‘coz of that, and I wanna say I’m sorry, but I can’t just stand aside and watch you treat yourself like garbage. Please, the door’s jammed. Let us in. We just wanna help!”

His lip quivers, despite himself. “I don’t need any help!” he insists, stubbornly pushing past the crack in his voice. “I’m just—“

He’s interrupted by a rush of crippling agony radiating upwards from his gem once more, the ache at either side of his head intensifying into three points. Hands rush to the site on automatic. Fingers grasping, searching. Discovering.

There’s something growing at his temples, he realizes with a rush of horror. Something hard, faceted. Disturbingly cold to the touch.

There’s no way to bite back his screams as the growths fully protrude, none at all, even with his mouth clamped shut, and even though he can’t see them he can sense their weight as they wind upwards and back, up and out of his curls, and he’s shaking, oh stars is he shaking, chest heaving up and down so hard he’s not sure he’ll ever be free of these awful tremors ever again, and— A hoarse sob forces its way to the surface as a third growth crowns his forehead. Trembling fingers scrape down the length of the door as he collapses to his knees, nails sharpening into gnarled talons as they sink further and further into the wood, carving through it like butter. He clenches his jaw back together so hard that with any greater pressure he might shatter his own teeth.

Still quite woozy under the threat of hyperventilation, he slowly turns his head. Extricates those dreadful claws from the door. Dares himself to look. Forcing himself back up to his feet, he gazes deep into the depths of the mirror. And as the creature trapped on the other side stares back through sickeningly pink irises— blotches of color steadily creeping up their jawline and across their cheek, inching to meet the base of those glistening crystalline horns— all known reality shatters into smithereens.

Not me, not me, not me, is the mantra he chants to himself like a prayer, stubbornly clinging to any vestige of normalcy as if this is all but a vivid nightmare he can stir awake from.

(As if deep down, a tiny, beaten-down part of himself still wants to believe he deserves a future too.)

But the darkness reflected in that mirror is following his every jerky, erratic movement as all the despair and guilt and self-hatred festering within continues to consume him like a matchstick to fire.

Not real. It’s not real! I don’t need help. I don’t need the Gems, they don’t need to know, I’m fine, I’m FINE, this isn’t corru - NO, DON’T THINK ABOUT IT! YOU CAN’T—

They’re yelling outside. Arguing, probably. (And true to form, Pearl‘s cries are the shrillest.) But he can’t be certain of anything anymore while smothered under the fog’s thickening surface, with the rest of the world relegated to mere static and stimuli. Not a word, not a clue. No way to know if it’s an argument about him or with him.

And in his mind their distress stands as yet another sign. Just another slice of proof that they truly are at their happiest without him, that his continued existence only serves as a complication. He can’t deny it anymore. He can’t lie, can’t tiptoe around the inevitable truth; like this, he’s nothing but a liability. A ticking time bomb, set to shatter everything and everyone in his path. Shaking like a leaf, he unfurls his fists, watching as the dull pink hide overtakes the last clear patches of flesh upon his misshapen, monstrous fingers.

They’re better off without you.

The passing seconds cease to exist as he convulses again, this time centralized at the base of the spinal column. He doubles over, leans into the pain. Rides it through vertebrae by vertebrae, raking his claws deep into the wood floor as a fifth limb emerges from where the spine left off, steadily lengthening— fortifying itself with jagged crystalline spikes as it grows ever longer. Its weight is entirely foreign, yet it shifts upon his slightest command. Panic overruling all logic once more, he thrashes about, the tail swinging across the bathroom counter like a whip. His toothbrush, comb, and other various toiletries he hasn't made use of in days clatter to the floor, abandoned.

R u n.

The thought rampages through his shattered soul like an avalanche. Yanks him by the horns. Consumes his mind and body like a trance. He has to escape from here, from the house, the Gems, has to run quick, before it’s too late and you can’t do anything more but wordlessly scream.

He doesn’t stop to question this impulse. Doesn’t stop to peer at that poor tortured creature in the mirror again. For a moment his claws struggle to grasp the crumpled door knob, fumbling in failure’s wake.

When he finally forces the door open, the whole world holds its breath.

Pearl’s eyes blow wide upon the no-doubt horrifying sight. Her hands fly to her mouth. “Steven?!”

Even Amethyst reacts in an adverse manner, stepping back towards the support of the wall. “Holy...” she breathes, face paling.

And just knowing he’s out here now, every gnarled, nightmarish feature exposed in front of his family like a raw nerve, makes his blotchy, spot-covered skin crawl.

“DON’T LOOK AT ME, I’m FINE!” he hollers as he sprints to the warp pad, barbed tail whipping wildly behind him. Pearl yelps in alarm as she only barely dodges its mace-like swing. Unable to hold back his sobs anymore, he collapses to his knees on the hard crystal. Coils his tail around himself by sheer instinct. Hides his face away behind arms. Hot tears spill from his eyes, vision blurring and sharpening in rhythm to the unbearable ache pounding in his head. “I’m fine,” he whispers pathetically, voice catching.

He can practically feel the vibrations through the floor as someone approaches. It’s Garnet. He doesn’t know how he knows, but it can only be her. His breath hastens against his better wishes. Can’t stop, won’t stop, can’t stop... The vision of the temple door begins to pirouette in dizzy circles around him as he arches his back, and with a sharp gasp feels something tear its way through his shirt and jacket right above his spine, all jagged and spiked and— NO! He grinds his jaw together, shrinking further into himself. Not real. It’s not real, not real, not—

“Steven,” she says in a measured tone as he heaves for air. (No, with hesitation. Fear. She’s hesitating because she’s afraid of you, she’s afraid because you’re a monster NO.) “I know you’re hurting, but I need you to take a deep breath with me, and try to calm down. Please, let us help you...”

A heart wrenchingly familiar hand reaches out to him, adorned by a ruby gem and a golden wedding band. His fingers clamp around thick, greasy curls, brushing against the horns protruding from his temples. A keening cry slips out from his mouth against his better wishes. They want to help. They only want to help...

He peeks at her through the crook of his arm, his most likely reddened, blotchy eyes meeting hers. She’s taken off her visor. She’s crying too.

For a glimmer of a second, he considers reaching out. Taking her offered hand with his own clawed one. But then...

Haven’t you been a burden enough already?

His face screws up, and his hands clench into fists.

“NO,” he shouts, slamming them down upon the warp pad. It activates, (blessedly still accessible at this early stage of corruption NO don’t think about it!!), glowing a bright cyan as he envisions where he wants to go: no particular destination in his mind but away, away, away.

After all, he already knows he’s a monster.

So... he might as well become one too.

_____

Notes:

Some days you just gotta have an entire mental breakdown and go full wyrm, y'hear?

HCs I tapped into for this fic:

After being healed, formerly cracked Gems take longer to reform than Gems who were only poofed. Peridot will be okay eventually, she just hasn’t reformed quite yet.

Steven is still able to warp because he hasn’t quite passed the threshold of corruption that prevents a Gem from accessing the warp stream. I imagine it's very much a matter of mental connection, and having the right presence of mind to tap into it. Probably a few minutes after this, if Steven were to continue going downhill and his mind fully fell into the fog of corruption, he’d no longer be able to warp. He got super lucky here.

This potential future blindsided Garnet because previously- like how Steven’s newfound maturity threw her off as discussed in Pool Hopping- she hadn’t factored in the idea of Steven being in such a low mental state. Amethyst was the first to really see past his attempts to mask it because she personally had dealt with depression like this before and knew what it looked like.

Maybe one day after SUF airs I'll write more on this topic, but as for now this will remain a one-shot. I 100% imagine Steven would ultimately be okay in this timeline, though. They'd be able to help him, stop the corruption. Steven goes to heckin' therapy. He'll live on, he'll begin to recover and cope. But that's a whole 'nother story.

Thank you for reading!

[ice-cream-nekogirl]

would it matter at all? (Spinel X Reader)

Funny how these feelings of depression just hit you so suddenly eh? One minute you’re fine and the next the tears are coming and you’re trying to keep them back and just pretend like you’re okay for others? Yeah... it’s that kinda night for me... I wish I had my own Spinel... I understand her pain...

So I wrote this when I should have been doing something more productive but I had to just do this. I had to write for this lovely gem that I’ve grown to adore and would die for.

Warning: Some intrusive thoughts and implied suicidal thoughts as well so reader discretion is advised.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82hLvgGuDu8

If I wasn't here tomorrow would anybody care If my time was up I'd wanna know You were happy I was there

The past exists just to hurt the present person you are today. That’s how you always saw it at least.

There was one person who understood that the most though, and that was the new gem that had come into your life. At first you didn’t trust her, she tried to kill your friends, including one of your best friends Steven. And yet, you were amazed that the sweet boy was able to get her to stop what she was doing through a series of mishaps and helping the gems rediscover themselves, for better or worse.

You helped him the entire time, and reflected on your own life before you met Steven. Unlike Pearl, Amethyst and Garnet, you didn’t enjoy rediscovering the person you became today, because you still didn’t like yourself.

Beach City was a good place, but the place you came from before this wasn’t. It felt like you were the only person in the world because you knew you were different from everyone, and they made sure to remind you of it everyday. You felt worthless, rejected and cast out from the others and you actually believed that maybe you deserved it, maybe you shouldn’t have even been here.

At times you started to wonder, would it even matter if you disappeared? Would anything you did from here on out matter at all?

You wondered that, at least until the gem, Spinel was her name, had showed the person she used to be. A sweet, lovely little gem that you found extremely endearing every time she tried to play with you. She actually made you smile as you would giggle and blush whenever she got so close and playfully poked you to try and play a game with you. How could such a murderous clown be such a little sweetheart?

That’s what made you really wonder, but then you got your answers when she started to remember and reveal her backstory, her time in the garden after Pink Diamond… just left her there. For all those millenia, the poor gem stood there, alone and waiting for the person she thought was her friend…

Your heart broke for her, you wept for her as she reformed back to the same, maniacal gem that tried to kill you and Steven. Except she wasn’t just a maniacal gem, she was a broken, self-loathing individual that you saw yourself a lot in. She didn’t deserve what Pink did to her, and you knew that she hated the person she became, you knew that because you hated the person you became too after people hurt you…

But you didn’t want to fight her anymore, you wanted to reach out to her when Steven failed to get through to her for a moment.

“I know what it’s like! I understand what you’ve been through!” You exclaimed after she decided that no, she didn’t want to hurt Steven anymore. She looked up, eyes wide but her expression still had disbelief on it as her eyes narrowed into a scowl.

“How could you know? How could know anything like that?! You’re just some stupid human! Worse than even this loser…” She was skeptical, and you understood why, because you didn’t know who else could understand the feeling of being abandoned.

A sardonic chuckle left your lips, “You’re right… I AM a stupid human…” You almost weren’t offended by her insult though, nor were you deterred by the hateful look in her eyes. “I understand… because I used to be a happier person… I used to smile all the time and I can’t even remember why… but when I got older… I stopped… people just… didn’t want to be around me… I knew they didn’t… they looked at me like I was some kind of weirdo… and they just left… I was all by myself for a really long time…” Tears sprung to your eyes as you recollected the way you dramatically changed from a happy child to a moody young adult as Steven glanced at you sympathetically. He knew your story all too well, and honestly you thought that if it wasn’t for him, you’d probably be somewhere else… not with him or the gems and Connie and Greg…

The pink gem’s glare gradually softened into a mix of shock and confusion, her eyes widening slightly when she heard your words telling a story that were making her feel some type of way that she didn’t understand. All she could understand, was the pain in your voice and your eyes as you wiped the tears away even as they fell.

“I know your pain Spinel… I really do… I mean… 10 years is nothing compared to 5000 years but… I understand… what it’s like to feel… unwanted and… abandoned…” You mumbled with your eyes downcast as Spinel seemed to rethink more on what she really wanted to do after listening to you and Steven…

No. She didn’t want to destroy this planet anymore…

And you couldn’t lie, you were relieved when she and Steven were able to make the injector stop from destroying the planet. Maybe you didn’t want to die today, not when you had friends like Steven, Connie, Pearl, Amethyst, Garnet and Greg still around. You’d live for their sakes…

Yet, you couldn’t get Spinel out of your mind even as she went along with the Diamonds. Your [E/C] eyes welled with tears when she joined the Diamonds when they decided to take her in and you rushed over next to Steven when they shared a good bye peace sign.

If I wasn't here tomorrow would anyone lose sleep If I wasn't hard and hollow Then maybe you would miss me

 “Spinel!” You refused to cry, but you couldn’t help as you sniffled and waved your arm out to wave. “Take care! Come back whenever okay?! I want to… be your friend when you decide to come back!!” As tears dripped down your cheeks you made yourself grin as you waved vigorously to the stunned gem.

Her pink eyes going wide as a soft gasp left her, focusing entirely on you as you turned smaller and smaller from where she was at. A small blush sporting onto her streaked cheeks as she looked at you, and you were smiling at her. The human who could understand what she had felt…

You wanted to be her friend…?

She couldn’t even find the words as all she could do was stare and watch you wave with a broken smile and misty eyes with the tears down your cheeks. Spinel didn’t even realize the tears in her own eyes as she picked up her hand to wave back at you, still looking surprised and confused…

Why would you want to be her friend even after all of that…?

TWO WEEKS LATER

Although it had been a while since the entire incident that nearly ended in the world ending and you started to think that you probably should have been surprised that you survived yet another semi-apocalypse. But after the gems invading several times you remembered that had learned to get used to the world almost ending. Except unlike all of those other times, you couldn’t stop thinking about that gem. She wasn’t like the other gems, not even Lapis, a gem you had considered a dear friend.

Spinel was different. From the moment you saw what had happened to her, something tugged at your heart and made you realize that she wasn’t the only person who felt so rejected and discarded from people you just wanted to be with. You lied in your bed under your covers, remembering the way the pink gem would giggle and smile at you before she reformed back to the person she was today. Her innocence reminded you so much of who you used to be, and it was almost too painful to think about…

To have that childhood happiness shattered by the cruelty from another person, and to become a bitter, almost hateful person because of that pain being too much to bear. It fucking hurt…

You hurt just thinking about what kind of pain Spinel must have endured just waiting in that garden for someone who was never going to come back. What if she never got that message and just stood there forever? God you didn’t want to think about it…

You almost wished she was here so you could hug her and tell her that she didn’t deserve that, and that she deserved to be happy. But at the same time, you thought you were kidding yourself. Why would Spinel remember you? You weren’t anything special, she said so herself, you were just a stupid human.

Hell, you were lucky that Steven was kind enough to give you the time of day. Why would Spinel do the same?

Sighing and wiping your eyes you tried to go to sleep, but then you gasped aloud when you thought you heard something outside. Your parents were home, but they slept so deeply you were certain that not even an earthquake would wake them up. Then again, even if they did wake up, it’s not like you couldn’t handle yourself.

Well, you couldn’t really handle yourself well, but you didn’t care about yourself. At this point nothing mattered about you at all. And you told yourself that almost every day.

So you peered out your window to see if it was maybe just the wind, but your eyes went wide when you saw her…

Spinel, standing outside in your backyard with Steven accompanying her and pointing up when he had seen you. Wide eyes met as you gasped quietly. She looked just as shocked as you did, but she perked up when she saw your visage leave, “W-Where’d she go…?” She asked Steven almost nervously as he chuckled.

“Don’t worry she’s coming down.” He could tell you were excited, because he was very observant when it came to people. And he knew that Spinel had been on your mind the whole time, so he was more than happy to lead Spinel to your house when she came for a visit and asked about ‘the human with the [H/C] hair and [E/C] eyes’.

And her worries were put to rest when she saw you open that door, clad in just your (F/C) pajamas with a big smile on your face. “Spinel!” You exclaimed rather quietly, running over to her as her eyes widened slowly in shock at how close you were getting before you stopped right in front of her.

She looked a bit defensive, as if she wasn’t certain how to react to your excitement to see her. The diamonds treated her well and were in fact very good to her, but it’s been a long time since she’s seen that kind of joy directed at her. In fact, usually that’s what she had done in the past to… her…

“Hi… you’re that human.” Spinel remembered you, which secretly surprised you. “(Y/N) right?” She asked to clarify, and heat rose on your cheeks when she said your name for the first time. “Uh huh… that’s me.” An awkward smile came to your lips, something Spinel couldn’t help but mimic since she felt just as awkward as you did.

Something Steven immediately picked up with a small grin, “I’ll just leave you two be for the time being okay? I hope you’re having a good night (Y/N).” He knew when to leave two people alone and you perked up, feeling rather terrible that you forgot that Steven was there. “O-Oh! Thank you… s-sorry Steven…” You apologized to him sheepishly but he wasn’t offended in the slightest.

“It’s no problem! Spinel wanted to see you again, and I was happy to help.” He said cheerfully as he waved to the two of you, not subtly winking at Spinel as she was taken aback slightly at this gesture. And you blushed a little bit harder at such a thought, she wanted to see you again?

“You wanted to see me again?” You were so shocked you didn’t even realize what you had asked, and Spinel’s eyes widened even more as a flustered expression overcame her features. “W-Well uh… I… yeah… yeah I suppose…”

She felt strange. She hadn’t really felt this curious about anyone, not even Pink Diamond. She knew Pink Diamond, and she knew that she was her playmate, and other gems were just fun to play with too because they were all neat looking. You were different. You weren’t a gem, you were a human being and yet your feelings weren’t that different from the feelings gems could feel.

And your feelings apparently weren’t that different from Spinel’s own feelings. Which is what really made her curious.

“Let’s… sit on my bench… it’s… more comfortable.” You couldn’t get rid of the corny smile on your lips as you gave her the offer, “Oh… thanks…” She couldn’t turn it down though as you lead her to your bench, allowing the two of you to sit down.

It was uncomfortably silent for at least 5 minutes, but you didn’t know what to say. Which was ironic because she’s all you could think about for the past couple of weeks. Why the hell couldn’t you say anything now?! Come on (Y/N)!

“So… um…” You started off, badly though. It wasn’t even a damn sentence…

“So…” And you were sure your uncomfortable energy was rubbing off on Spinel since she couldn’t quite muster up a sentence herself.

No. You couldn’t be an idiot. You sucked it up, exhaled and then cleared your throat a little bit. “I’m… glad to see you again.” Finally, you said something that actually made sense and was an actual sentence. “You are?” But this confused Spinel, since she knew she didn’t make the best first impression by trying to hurt you and Steven.

“Yeah.” You replied simply with a smile and shrugged your shoulders. “Why?” The gem asked you somewhat bluntly though, trying not to look amused by the simplicity of your response.

“I liked you. You were… an interesting gem… and… don’t tell the other gems but you’re actually more interesting than any of them…” A little snicker left you as you covered your mouth, feeling kind of bad for putting the other gems down like that but Spinel really did interest you. This further surprised her though, her eyes wide with shock because even after all of that, how did you still like her even a little bit.

WHY did you like her?

I know I'm a mess and I wanna be someone Someone that I'd like better I can never forget, so don't remind me of it forever

“Why?” She asked bluntly again, a wry smile on her lips. “I tried to kill you. I tried to kill Steven. Tried to destroy the earth. Why do you like me?” For a minute there, she swore that you probably liked her old self better, because she remembered having a lot of fun with you before the past came back to her…

“Is it my old self that you liked?” Spinel’s tone became a little bit colder, yet the sadness was still there. “I’m flattered… but that’s not me anymore… I wish it was but… it’s not me. I haven’t even pulled myself together yet either…” She looked down, her gloved fists starting to clench as she tried to hold back the anger bubbling in her. Not at Rose, but at herself. She still hated the person she was, and she hated that you were here, telling her that you liked her.

There’s no way you could like something like her…

“Of course I liked your old self.”

She knew. She fucking knew it. God she wanted to cry and feel betrayed all over again so she could get away and not have to be hurt again, but you didn’t stop talking.

“Because you remind me of me when I was a kid.” You smiled ruefully and looked in the distance. “I smiled a lot before I started growing up. I was so happy… so eager to impress my peers. I wanted nothing more than to feel included, and feel like I was someone’s friend.” As you talked, Spinel looked at you intently as she took in all of your words and the feelings behind them. The feelings that Spinel still had lingering in her even after Pink Diamond. That’s exactly what she felt like, all she wanted was to be a friend.

“I did everything… everything I could to impress them and make them happy, even if it meant not doing what I wanted… I just… wanted that so badly.” Your smile was still there, but it was clear to the gem that you weren’t happy at all.

“And then… the older I got… the more I started to realize… I’m not what people want… I’m nothing more than an amusement at best.” However, the more you thought about the past, the more your smile started to curve into a soft frown. “And some people didn’t even like me at all… they avoided me just so they could be amongst themselves and kept me out of their picture… I didn’t realize it til later that I wasn’t anyone’s friend, I was just… nothing.”

A small, empty chuckle left you as you wiped your eyes when tears were threatening to fall as Spinel looked at you in shock, feeling more feelings that she had never felt for anyone else other than herself. She was angry, hurt and unable to believe that this happened to you, you seemed like a decent person, why did those people avoid you?

“Those… those…!” Spinel couldn’t help it, she shook her head as her fists trembled, “I… I hate that!” She exclaimed as you jumped a bit, not wanting her to wake your parents but you didn’t really want to set her off any further. “I hate it when people do that… it’s… why…? Why are they so cruel like that…?”

She asked you questions that you asked yourself everyday in your moments of solitude as you put your hand on her shoulder. “I don’t know… I ask myself that all the time and I can never find the answers.” You gave a sigh as you looked downwards. “But… I know this sounds selfish of me but… I… I couldn’t help but like you because I understood you…” You admitted, no shyness in your tone, just honesty despite how sad you were.

“I used to be happy… until life and people started to kick me… and push me aside like something that didn’t matter at all… I know… that’s probably how you felt… and I just… I hated hearing what Pink did to you… you didn’t deserve it Spinel… you’re a good gem… I don’t know why Pink had to go and hurt you like that…” Voice cracking you squeezed your shoulder as gobs of tears started to stream down your face as you shut your eyes, unable to see the tears welling in Spinel’s eyes as she tried to hold it all back.

Steven was the only other person who took pity on her, but hearing another person tell her that NO, she didn’t deserve what happened to her… was like some kind of validation that she didn’t know she needed to hear until right now this very moment.

But at the same time, it made her feel even worse when she thought about how she still hurt you and tried to bring more hurt to you when she first fought you and Steven as she cried. “But I’m NOT a good gem! I had to have deserved it! I hurt you! And Steven! You can’t tell me I didn’t deserve that! Not when I was the one who hurt you when you didn’t deserve that… or what they did to you… you didn’t deserve that at all…” She hung her head as she wept for you, and all you could do was watch her in shock as a sob hitched in your breath.

“S-Spinel…”

You were touched by her sympathy, and how she seemed to genuinely care about her feelings. No one other than Steven and Lapis have ever really cared about your feelings, but Spinel… she understood you more…

“I don’t know…” You couldn’t fight the self-deprecation though, it was a horrible trait you picked up on the older you got and realized that maybe you were avoided because there was something wrong with you.

What if I just pulled myself together Would it matter at all? What if I just tried not to remember Would it matter at all? All the chances that have passed me by Would it matter if I gave it one more try Would it matter at all?

“Maybe I deserved it too…” Spinel gasped when she heard you say that, no, no you couldn’t have believed that. “I mean… you’re great but… I’m not… I’m a loser… I sit in my room all day, watch anime for the sake of comfort, and listen to music by Lana Del Ray, My Chemical Romance and Stevie Nicks, and write bullshit stories for god’s sake… if I wasn’t here today it probably wouldn’t even matter. I might as well not even exist… who knows? Maybe I’m just better off gone because I don’t think anyone would even care… I’ve thought about it… but never could go with it…” You admitted some of your darker thoughts as your eyes started to dull with the misery you’ve carried around the past 10 years of your life and maybe even longer than that.

Of course Spinel wasn’t familiar with the concepts but all she knew is that no, she didn’t want you to disappear. “No! You can’t… You have to be here…” Her voice croaked a little bit as she grabbed your shoulders, “If you weren’t here… I wouldn’t have gotten to hear you say that I didn’t deserve what happened to me… even though I think I did… if you just disappeared or went away I would care (Y/N)! I… I would care… it matters to me! It would matter to me!” She sobbed to you and held onto your shoulders tighter as if she was trying to make sure that you were still here.

She didn’t know you well, but she wanted to. And she didn’t want you to leave. 

You had never opened up about this sorrow to anyone before though, Spinel was the first person you completely opened up to. She was the only one who knew about what you were really feeling, and you were almost relieved that she didn’t quite understand the deeper parts of what you tried to say.

However, hearing her say those words were comfort to you as you sobbed and you couldn’t help but pull her into a hug. “I’m… glad to hear that someone would…” You shakily said in between soft cries as she sniffled. “You’re… you’re not bad (Y/N)… if you think… I’m a good person… I don’t know why you do but… thank you… please… you’re really here right? If you are… I’m glad… that someone else knows what it’s like…” Spinel almost sounded shy as she admitted to this newfound happiness she couldn’t help but feel talking more about what happened to her.

“I am… and… I hope you’re here too… Spinel I really like you… I missed you… I wanted to get to know you more… so… I meant what I asked… would you like to… be my friend…?” That’s what you wanted to ask her, despite these other feelings in your stomach that were flurrying about as your cheeks turned hot.

Spinel was hugging you, stretchy arms around you tightly as she perked up at the question, and she looked up at you with surprise in those rather adorable pink eyes of hers. She was a bit hesistant and yet she felt like she could really trust you, so she gave you a little smile.

“Yes… I want to be your friend too (Y/N)…” She answered you slowly, but sincerely as she nodded up at you. (E/C) eyes widening as you beamed and you tightly hugged her again, earning a small surprised squeak from her, but she couldn’t help but hug you just as tightly. Even stretching her arms even more all around your figure like a snake almost as you gasped with wide eyes as she pulled herself away with a goofy smile.

The two of you bursting into laughter through your tears as you actually felt like there was this weight inside of you that had been slowly lifted off of you. This was the first time you felt actually happy, and the first time you’ve laughed in a long time and it was because of this sweet gem.

She did bad things yes, but she was broken too, and you understood that completely. And she understood that about you too. As the two of you pulled away, you couldn’t help but put your hand in hers as she looked up at you, a blush on her streaked cheeks as she locked her fingers with yours and smiled at you.

Warmly you blushed brightly with an equally bright smile on your face.

You knew that you truly did matter. You mattered to your friends and your family. And you mattered to her, and she mattered to you. Spinel knew this too, after everything she had been through, she finally learned that she really did matter to the new people she accepted into her life. She mattered to you, and you mattered to her too.

Both of you did, both of you mattered.

And YOU matter too. To anyone who read this, if you have any suicidal thoughts, or have had suicidal thoughts or even just need someone to talk to about intrusive thoughts or just need to talk to someone about anything don’t hesitate to call 1-800-273-6255, the Suicide Hotline.

And remember that your life is important and that your life matters. YOU matter.  

[tiny-smallest]

i always thought i might be bad (now i'm sure that it's true)

Rating: G Characters: Steven, Rose Quartz Warnings: Mildly disturbing but despite his issues there are no suicidal themes here because despite having sunk really low the entire point of this is that he doesn’t want to die Description: When he was little, Steven thought his mother was something of an angel. When he got a little older, he looked into the light she blazed upon the world and felt the cold shadow her memory cast on him, the million and one ways he failed to measure up. By the time he confronted the fake image of his mother in her room, he wondered if he existed at all, if Rose Quartz's gem being wiped clean of her had truly left any room for him, or if one day he would wake up and be her, again. In that way, and in her looming memory, she had become his prison, a prison he? She? Had done to herself.

But one day a video call gone wrong with Peridot and Lapis brings up a horrific second possibility: maybe he was her prison.

Also on AO3!

---

Steven remembered, only vaguely, the first time he saw his mother.

He was four, maybe five, and he sat on the floor in Mrs. Vidalia's garage, chubby little hands gooey with paint. There was music off to the side; his father, Steven supposed in hindsight looking back.

He was smacking his hands against a canvas, and he remembered that viscerally- the texture of the paint and of the canvas.

But what he really remembered, the thing he actively tried to hold onto, was his father's gentle voice calling him, and looking up, and Mrs. Vidalia and his dad pointing to the painting she'd just finished.

He remembered thinking she was the most beautiful lady he'd ever seen.

---

By the time he was ten he was enamored with her. She was something both adored and forbidden, something brought up only on special occasions or in hushed whispers or through slips of the tongue. He lived for more of her story, fed to him in piecemeal installments, and was grateful that his father gave him them so easily when it occurred to him to do so.

He wondered years later, if he'd just been more candid with his father, if he could have heard about her more frequently. At least from him.

She cried because she loved so much that seeing others in pain brought her pain. That made his heart jolt. That was just like him! He cared about everyone too, and it always hurt so much to see them hurt! He'd felt it just that day, even, watching Amethyst dance around the edges of the cliff face, the thudding of his heart matching her steps, tears burning his eyes at the thought of her falling.

But when push came to shove and she really did fall and get hurt, he couldn't do it. He couldn't seem to make himself cry. It was like hearing that his mother could cry tears that healed people had robbed him of all his own tears, despite the awful feelings welling in his stomach.

Why couldn't he do this one simple thing? He cried all the time! Pearl herself pointed it out! He was still such a dumb kid and he cried over everything, like commercials and snakes and ice cream. Why couldn't he cry over Amethyst getting hurt!?

And when he did finally cry, nothing happened. It wasn't his tears that saved her life. It was the other Crystal Gems.

He failed to cry. He failed to have any healing magic in his tears when he did finally cry a hair ahead of it being too late. He failed his first mission at the Lunar Sea Spire. When he healed Connie's eyes and healed Lapis's gem, he thought he was finally making progress, only for it all to slip out of his fingers. A single silly lie was all it took to topple him? Really, Steven? No, instead he had to use tape to fix the geode. It was fine that Dad needed the tape, but Dad was human. He was a gem. Mom wouldn't have needed tape.

Failed, failed, failed.

That night after the test (that he passed but didn't deserve to pass but, thinking back to the choice he'd made, maybe he'd passed the most important test of all, somehow?) he sat underneath her portrait and stared up at her, the soft moonlight pooling on the floor around him but not touching him, the wall where her portrait hung in the way, and felt very small.

He was never going to be as good as her.

He did try, though! He tried so hard! Sometimes it came naturally, like when he helped people, or was just nice to them, and they were nice back, and somewhere amid all the warmth and joy of friendship and family hummed a happy little thought that maybe, just maybe, there was something good about him despite everything.

Even if he was never as good as her, at least he had that.

---

Lately he wasn't sure if he existed.

During the day the thought felt far away most of the time, but every once in awhile at night he would remember the way Jasper looked at him, feel the stark, cold terror of her gaze freeze him from the inside out all over again. Sometimes it was the memory of when they first met. Sometimes it was her as Malachite. Sometimes it was her gaze shot back at him over her shoulder as she turned to face him, Lapis's horrified face just barely visible behind her.

But for the past week it was her eyes as they lost lucidity, teal spots and spikes overtaking her body. Her shriek.

A trembling hand touched his gem and then flinched back.

He wasn't sure when the idea occurred to him. Maybe it had always been there, buried deep inside him (buried, like the truth-) and recent events made it too big and too painful to ignore, like right now, in the otherwise peaceful quiet night.

Nobody knew what he was, exactly. Or what he needed.

How did they know he was even him?

He had Rose's gem. That's what they called it, sometimes. His mom's gem. Other times they called it his.

What if they were both right? How did Mom giving up her physical form even work, exactly? And that's what they called, it, too- her physical form. Not her life. Her physical form.

Gems didn't get a lot about humans, even the Crystal Gems, but he was pretty sure they used 'life' as an everyday word. If she gave up her life to make him, wouldn't they say that instead?

Heck, even Dad had said that phrase to him once! Did they just want to avoid the word 'die' that much?

Did they phrase it so specifically to avoid saying anything they didn't know was the absolute truth, so they would never technically lie to him?

Was she really gone completely?

Sometimes, you even sound like her... Do you remember this place? Do you have any of her memories?

Maybe the questions Pearl should have been asking were 'did you somehow wipe your own memory' and 'why did you do this to yourself.'

Shattered someone. She shattered someone. She shattered someone and now... where did that leave them all?

He (she? he? she?) wished for a lot of things, once. To know the Crystal Gems better, to be in control of his powers-

Powers, he realized with a startle one day as he erased a save file on his video game (and found himself idly wishing he could forget the game entirely so he could experience it fresh again) that he was supposed to be growing into- and wasn't that what she wanted? Wasn't deleting her own memory just... a real life version of what he'd just been doing? 

Erasing her save file to make room for a new one, to experience it fresh- to grow into her abilities and into the world instead of having it all foisted upon her.

Steven buried that game under everything else in his collection.

'Why did you do this to us?' 

Steven (Rose?) had wished for a lot of things once, but now all she (he?) wished he (she?) had was an answer. 

A prison.

This was a new possibility, one he hadn't considered until he righted Connie's laptop and found to his intense relief that Lion had knocked it over onto the safe landing space of the couch.

In the cooldown over being grateful that Lion hadn't seriously damaged something so personal to his best friend and that Lapis was feeling okay after such a raw, sudden spike of terror had ruined her afternoon, Steven found himself feeling bad all over again about what Lapis had gone through. She was a little rough around the edges maybe, but she was a good person. She hadn't deserved that.

As much as dropping everything to get to the barn had been inconvenient, he couldn't begrudge her the reaction she'd had. That must have been so scary, to think someone was putting Steven through what she'd experienced. Her eyes always went hard and kind of foggy at the same time whenever she talked about it; it was no wonder she'd lost her mind just now. Being trapped in something for years and years, in a prison nobody could even see you in, god, he couldn't even imagine-

W-where's your gem on this thing I-

Right here, he thought automatically to the memory of her scared voice, her frantic eyes, and he touched a hand to his gem as he closed Connie's laptop, and somewhere in the thought and the physical touch an awful, awful, connection was made.

Right here. Right here, in his belly. Where it had always been.

His gem. Her gem?

How did giving up her physical form even work?

What if it had in exactly that way. In exactly just insofar as her physical form.

Nausea took over his stomach. A haze of fog settled into his head. Cold fingers gripped his heart and squeezed until there was no more air in his chest.

A gem's whole being is their gem. Their body is just hard light and magic. Giving up her physical form meant giving him her gem but did it mean she stopped existing? Gems didn't stop existing when they retreated into their gems to heal. They were still themselves, inside their gem. Lapis didn't stop existing when she was embedded in the mirror; why would Rose stop existing when embedded in a human?

Was he her prison?

He ran to the bathroom and threw up.

For the next few days he drifted in and out of a fog, smiling at cues, nodding through conversations. He didn't talk to Lapis, but he thought about her baseball bat, how the solution was to smash the mirror, the laptop. He closed his eyes in the shower and didn't touch his gem.

But eventually Steven found himself sitting in the bathtub, feeling too tired, too heavy to stand up. Had he taken his shower? What time was it? What day was it? He didn't know the answer to any of those things.

After what must have been at least a week since the initial thought, he finally laid trembling fingers against the smooth surface of the jewel he had no right to be carrying around inside him. He traced the facets, watching the clear, brilliant pink gleam in the light. It was a little dull. He hadn't been keeping up with his daily grooming routine, giving it the attention he usually did. If I polish it, he thought blearily, my face will reflect in it, but that doesn't make it anymore mine.

Actually won't that just make it a mirro-

He gagged and clapped his hands over his mouth instead.

After a moment he eased his hands from his mouth and back to his gem, tracing his way down the sides to where the hard rock met his skin. He poked his belly a little, watching the way his finger made the indent in his roundness. He traced his way back from his flesh to the gem.

Flesh. Gem. Human. Magic. The mirror was smooth against the back of his hand. Ripping Lapis out had been hard.

He gripped his gem experimentally in one hand.

It was warm against his palm. It was always warm, even when the rest of him was cold, like after a long dip in the ocean when it was freezing, or a day outside playing in the snow. Somehow it was still always warm.

He set Lapis free. He should set Rose free, too.

I can't.

His pulse, or maybe his gem, thudded against his hand.

I can't.

He didn't know how he knew, but he knew that he needed this gem. Would removing it kill him? Would it erase his memory somehow? Split his consciousness in two? He didn't know. But he knew--maybe in the same way young humans know they need blood without being told--that he needed it. To pull it out would be to destroy his own existence, one way or another. He thought of how he flinched as Lapis's gem finally came free and the mirror jerked and spat shards everywhere, and his grip on the pink quartz in his stomach tightened.

He liked being alive. Or at the very least he liked his own consciousness. Liked being him. If asked if he loved himself he would answer without hesitation because of course everyone wanted to hear he did even if he didn't, but love and like could be two different things, right? He could like being himself the way humans liked having blood, and hearts, and lungs. It didn't mean he had to love his failures or his weird body or any number of things.

And besides, he could love how he helped other people, how he was kind and gentle and how he tried to be good, how that affected others-

Lapis's exhausted face, stumbling steps, the way she grabbed at his hands and smiled at him, weak and grateful...

Except that was all a lie wasn't it? 

He couldn't take his gem out. He didn't want to take his gem out. His breathing grew harder, faster, sweat rolling down his face the more he thought about pulling, the more his fingernails dug into the jewel, scraped against his gut, his soul. He didn't want to take his gem out.

He didn't want to set her free.

He wasn't willing to break the mirror.

So he stood up, showered, dressed, crawled into bed, buried the whole night deep, deep under layers of quilts and fine, fine, I'm fine, we're fine.

Three days later he heard the story of the gems kidnapping him (guys seriously why didn't you just talk to Dad, he groaned in his head) and how all of them, Pearl specifically, so selflessly decided that Steven's life mattered more than Rose's wants. More than their wants. Her hand had touched his gem, but only seconds after her fingers tightened, she stopped. She could have had Rose back right then, but she stopped. Steven sat frozen through that part of the story. At least the whole thing had a gentle ending to soothe him a little. And wasn't it lovely, to think about how much they all grew!

After the general merriment and amusement had died down he excused himself to the bathroom to lift up his sweater and stare at what lay beneath. They didn't do it. They had no right to decide to do it, he supposed, not when it wasn't their lives in question. But he did.

He did and he still couldn't do it.

Selfish.

He was pretty sure that made him bad.

---

I forgot to copy this over from where I posted it originally oops. Here’s the original closing notes:

I've been picking at this for ages and ages because Youtube has been recommending me White Diamond's... speech? Verbal abuse tirade? At Steven for like, a solid month now, and I watch every single time, because it is chilling as hell both in just the possibilities she puts into the world (that thankfully aren't true but still, yikes) and in how it turns out she knew the whole time that Steven was Steven all along and just didn't care about ripping him apart if it got her Pink back.

Somewhere in all these rewatches of that scene I realized it's entirely possible Steven doesn't just fear that he's somehow literally Rose with severe amnesia, and then I remembered Lapis and the mirror. I have no idea if Sugar did that parallel intentionally but Steven's a smart kid. He probably picked up on it himself.

And since my other wips are all about Steven and his dad and Greg and Rose, how about a story about Steven and his mom.

[starscheme]

With All My Heart

Chapter Fourteen:  I Won’t Let Go

 Pearl could only watch in horror as Steven clung to Spinel, whose gem was still slowly splintering. Her mind was racing, trying to think of anything that might help this. Steven was still begging Spinel not to go through his tears while Pearl went back to the chest and searched it frantically. Maybe there was another rejuvenator in there. Maybe they could poof her again until they figured out what to do about this. Figure out why her Gem was cracking like this. It was hard to see through her panicked tears, but there was nothing of the sort inside the chest and Amethyst had broken the Rejuvenator they found before. Pearl suddenly shot up, “K-Keep her going,” she shouted with frantic breaths, “Roses fountain! I’m going to get the water from her fountain! I—I—I’ll be back as quickly as I can!!” Pearl dashed from the room as fast as she could. If Steven couldn’t heal her Gem, this was the last option they had and she wasn’t just about to let Spinel shatter without doing everything she could.

Left alone in the Garden, Steven held Spinel tight against his chest. He too was trying to think of something, anything, to help Spinel. Part of him hoped that if he held her tight enough, it would keep her Gem together somehow. They didn’t even know why it was breaking like this and his healing powers were useless. What was the point of them if he couldn’t save her? He’d helped so many other people, why couldn’t he help her?

“Please…” Steven sobbed, “…why isn’t it working?!” He had heard Pearl leave and though he hoped the fountain water would work where he failed, he was scared that they wouldn’t have enough time. Pulling Spinel back, he tried again to heal her Gem. Maybe it wasn’t working because he was too upset. His power often fluctuated with his emotions after all. He took several deep breaths in an attempt to calm down, but when he looked down at Spinel’s face and her splintering gem, he couldn’t stop the tears or the panic that completely engulfed him.

“S-st-Steven. …Don’t—“ Spinel pleaded with a forced smile, unable to stop her own tears, but she wished she could stop his. After all, Spinel lived for his smile. It would be nice to see it in the end.

“Don’t what?!” Steven choked out, his right hand pressing against her Gem. “If I knew this was going to happen…I would have left you without your memories and just made you fall in love with me all over again…” he whispered through his tears.

Spinel placed her hand over his, “I think…that’s why…--th-this—ha—happened…”

“What do you mean?” asked Steven asked, unwilling to look away from her face, even if it continued to glitch in and out, every moment he could look into her eyes, he wanted to make sure he didn’t miss it.

“I think—I—think I—loved you too much. Thinking I couldn’t be with you---it—I think it broke---broke what was already broken.” She wasn’t sure Steven would understand what she meant, but speaking made it even more difficult to keep her form steady. She didn’t want Steven to think this was his fault. It wasn’t. How could it have been? Still, maybe her Gem was breaking because she loved him. Didn’t humans often use that phrase? ‘Dying of a broken heart.’

“Then stop loving me,” pleaded Steven, “If it will fix this, I’ll do anything. I’ll love you enough for the both of us.”

“D-Don’t worry. I—I—I know you have always loved us—“

“Not like that!” Steven shouted, shaking his head, “Not like Garnet, Amethyst, or Pearl! You were never broken! …Loving someone you already care about…it just means that our friendship is stronger than anyone else’s. …I love you. You can’t leave me before I get the chance to tell you that more and more.”

Spinel gasped lightly, happy to hear that Steven loved her like she loved him. It even made her Gem glow a warm light, but it didn’t stop the fracturing. He’d told her he loved her all his life, but he just made it clear that this love wasn’t the same. She was over the moon to know this, it was just bad timing. If anything, it made her feel like her Gem was breaking even more. He loved her…and this was how they had to part?

“Spinel…p-please…I don’t know what to do…” Steven sobbed, taking his hand from her gem so that he could lean down and kiss it, his tears spilling over her gem and slipping into the cracks. Who could he ask for help? Who could he bargain with to keep her by his side? All he could do was to try as many times as possible to heal, praying to anyone that the next attempt would be the one to work. If just one worked just once, it would be worth it to try 100 times.

Until now, Spinel could think of nothing else but to accept this. She thought that if she had to shatter, being in Steven’s arms at the end would be the best way to do that. At least then she could see his face and feel his warmth one last time, but now, how could she possibly be okay with this? The worse her gem got, the closer she came to actually shattering, the more frightened she became. Would she really not ever get to feel this warmth again? She wanted to tell him she loved him too. More and more. She wanted to hear him say it more and more. “I—I don’t—know what to do either…” Spinel finally sobbed. All she knew was that she didn’t want Steven to let her go.

As Steven kissed her gem, the warm glow from it began to slowly heat up and get brighter. Steven pulled back, staring down with his bloodshot eyes, the light starting to hurt his eyes. Was she shattering? He’d never seen a Gem shatter before. It was enough for him to panic, “Sp—“

“—Steven! I got the water!!” Pearl shouted desperately as she ran into the room with a large pale filled with pink liquid. She didn’t bother questioning the light or waiting for a response, instead, Pearl rushed to their side and poured the entire pale of water over Spinel’s gem. The light didn’t stop, Pearl and Steven both having to cover their eyes until the light faded completely and they were left with Spinel laying there in Steven’s arms, her gem fully healed, but her body completely soaked along with Steven’s lap.

All three of them were silent, each one afraid to speak, as if breaking the silence would ruin what had just happened. Pearl and Steven’s tears hadn’t stopped, but Spinel was no longer crying. At least, not until she looked down at her gem and then back up at Steven.

Tears welled in her eyes once again. She was okay. Her gem was shining like new. Whether it was the water or her finally fighting it, she didn’t know and it didn’t matter. “Steven…Pearl…” Spinel began, finally breaking the careful silence. “I’m okay!”

Without any words, Steven and Pearl began to sob once again, both tackling Spinel and hugging her close. Each one so happy they practically laughed through their tears. Even though she was fine, it took a while for them to let her go. They had been so desperate and so scared; it was in fact a long while before any of them calmed down. After what felt like hours, the tears finally subsided and all three of them had separated, if only just a little. Steven was still had a hand around Spinel’s waist, simply refusing to let her go completely. A pleasant smile had returned to Pearls face as she sat on the ground with them. Reaching over, she took one of Spinel’s hands.

“Spinel…can you forgive me? …I wanted to protect you…but I’m afraid this mess…was entirely my fault. I didn’t mean to make you think you were wrong…or broken. I just…when you changed the first time…I…worried that you might—“ as Pearl apologized, Spinel raised her free hand to stop her.

“You didn’t cause this. I always felt…broken. I hated looking at myself and seeing what I’d changed into and it made me worry that you all saw me as broken as well. …but…now…” Spinel trailed off, glancing at Steven with a smile. She didn’t say it aloud, but when her gem got fixed, she probably could have changed back to her old appearance, but instead, Spinel decided to stay like this. After all, this was the appearance that Steven had fallen in love with. If Steven could love her like this, this form couldn’t be as distorted as she thought, right?

“You were always perfect,” Steven insisted, leaning in to plant several cheerful kisses along her cheek, overjoyed that she was still here in his arms.

Spinel blushed and Pearl glanced away awkwardly before clearing her throat a bit. “And I-I’m glad you two are…affectionate with one another, but we should probably discuss some ground rules. After all, you are both quite young and haven’t been through—“

“—seriously?” Steven interrupted. “Is this really the time?”

Pearl sighed heavily, but she smiled anyway. “Okay. We can talk about it later,” she relented, just grateful this all worked out.

“…but uh, Pearl?” Steven started, a little embarrassed, “…I’m sorry about all the things I said before. I was…upset.”

Pearl didn’t want to bring it up, but it had been weighing on her mind. She hated thinking that Steven was upset with her or blamed her. “I’m sorry too. I was scared…so I said things without thinking. ...come on, we should go out and tell the others that everything is okay. Amethyst is no doubt eating her own hair in worry.” Pearl joked a bit as she got to her feet.

Steven nodded and rose to his feet as well, lifting Spinel up along with him, carrying her bridal style as he turned for the door.

“St-Steven, I’m fixed now, I can walk on my own!” Spinel stammered bashfully as her cheeks began to burn.

“Nope,” Steven replied simply, carrying her out the door and out of the temple, greeted by a shocked and happy Lars and Amethyst.

“She’s okay!” Amethyst shouted happily, slapping Lars on the back in excitement, knocking the pink boy down onto the floor.

Lars groaned, “Why is it, that when good things happen for you guys, I’m the one that suffers?”

Amethyst smiled apologetically and helped Lars up by the arm as Steven carried Spinel over to them. Finally letting her down so that she could give Amethyst a hug, Pearl nearly crying again as she watched the happy scene.

Spinel turned to Lars now, a little embarrassed that he had seen her old self and that she had inconvenienced him. She knew that Lars often found her to be a little much. “…thank you for finding me…and…for putting up with me so I could find my way back here…”

Lars smiled with a sigh, “I’m just glad you’re okay. Rutile will be glad too. She wasn’t so pleased with all the hugs for some reason.” He was just glad that Sadie was out of town for a concert while this happened. He didn’t want to have to explain it all to her.

“Still, you guys did a lot for me. So…thanks.”  Spinel said again, stretching up a bit to kiss his cheek.

Lars’ pink hue got a little deeper around his cheeks when she kissed his skin. Though he wasn’t all that surprised when he felt Steven’s hand on his other cheek, shoving his face away from Spinel with what appeared to be a feigned smile. He was clearly angry.

“Yes, thank you, Lars.” Steven added, happy for his help, but still not over Spinel being so affectionate with him.

Spinel blushed lightly, secretly pleased that Steven was jealous. Lars simply chuckled a bit and shrugged it off. After all they went through, this was small beans. He pat Steven’s shoulder, “Don’t overdo it now, Steven. I mean, she stretches, but you might actually break something.” Lars teased before heading for the door, eager to get back to his everyday routine.

It took Steven a moment or two, but when he figured out what Lars meant, his face turned completely red and he stared at the ground quickly. Now thanks to Lars, he had several new images in his head that he would never admit to having aloud.

“Well, we should all get some sleep. It’s been a really stressful day. I mean, I know I’m fried, so you two must be ready to keel over.” Amethyst said with a relieved smile, glancing at Spinel and Steven. More than anything, she was sure they would want to be alone for a little while. They probably had a lot to talk about. “What’d you say, Pearl? Fancy a nap for a change? I make a pretty comfy pillow.”

Pearl blushed slightly, “Amethyst!” she huffed.

“Sleep does sound good,” Steven agreed, taking Spinel’s hand and leading her back towards the temple door.

“But Steven, your room is—“ Spinel started.

“Nope. We’re sleeping in the temple tonight,” he replied adamantly.

“Together? Is that a good—“ Pearl tried to protest.

“Yep,” was all Steven said in return as he and Spinel went through his temple door, letting it shut quickly behind them. Finally alone once again, Steven took both of Spinel’s hands in his and pulled her closer to him. “Last time we were in here together, you ran off before I woke up…” he said softly, placing his forehead against hers as she stared up at him with flushed cheeks. “…you can try again if you want, but this time, I’m not letting you go,” finished Steven with a loving smile. 

[sawmillturtle]

Butterflies

A Quick Note From Turtle:

This story is based upon the “SU AU Gone Wrong” fan comic by @spudinacup and is supposed to take place during the second chapter. My initial thought was to write the events of the chapter from Pink Steven’s point of view and try to capture his thought processes. Unfortunately, I failed in this. When Spud posted her notebook, it clearly states that Pink Steven can understand why others act the way they do, but cannot feel empathy or sympathy for anyone or anything. Looking at this 7,832 word behemoth, I realize that I made him a bit too eager to want to sympathize with everyone. He wants to understand. This seems a bit off the target. Of course, I had to take a few liberties to do what I wanted to do (like the butterflies) and to fit everything into the space I had to work with, but Steven being a bit OOC was not one of the liberties I intended to take.

Well, it made for a good story anyway. This was several weeks worth of work to pull off and many hours of listening to Pink Floyd music on repeat. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed making it. Spud, if you get around to reading this, I want you to know that this was intended to be a love letter to your amazing artwork. In that, at the very least, I feel I succeeded.

As a side note, try to figure out what I hid in this story. There’s a secret. Shouldn’t be too hard to spot if you know where to look. I’ve already given you a clue.

---

Hello?

Hello?

HELLO?

Is this what it means to be alone? To hear only his own thoughts, and to hear those thoughts echoing in the void of his own mind like sounds reverberating off the walls of a cavern? He doesn’t know. He has never been alone. There has always been the other one. Steven Who Was. For sixteen years, the two of them had been together. Steven Who Was had never realized that he was there, but that didn’t matter to him. He’d always been there, a part of Steven Who Was, watching through their shared eyes and feeling through their shared emotions. Steven Who Was had been more than just a part of himself: Steven Who Was had been his closest friend.

There is only him now. Steven Who Remains. The other one is gone. It is hard for him to feel anything, although this isn’t because his emotions have been numbed by tragedy. At least he doesn’t think so. No, he simply can’t recall how to feel. The traces of those emotions seem to be there, in some distant part of himself, yet trying to latch onto them is like attempting to catch the faint smoke of a dying campfire with his bare hands. When he attempts to do so, they slip through his fingers and drift away.

Anybody can look at me and see that I am no longer human. My humanity died with the other one. But if I’m not human anymore, what am I? Am I even still Steven? Am I Pink Diamond? Am I something else entirely?

In their early years, the Greg Universe took Steven Who Was on a road trip to Empire City. Steven Who Was must have been about six or seven at the time. They’d been there for eight days as the Greg took care of business that he hadn’t bothered to explain to Steven Who Was. Probably something to do with his music career. On one bright Sunday, they’d walked by a church where the people inside were singing about how they’d fly away, oh glory. When Steven Who Was had asked what they meant, Greg had given a basic explanation of religion and of the human belief in eternal souls. Steven Who Was had not been impressed by it, nor had Steven Who Remains.

There is something about it, though, that nags at his mind. He stands in the bathroom, watching the blood run off of his hands and into the sink basin, thinking about eternity, the afterlife, and what it means as far as he is concerned. The blood swirls around the drain, mixing with the clean water and vanishing in ribbons of grisly crimson. That had been his blood. The blood of Steven Who Was. That Steven is dead now, but he still exists.

Just what happened to people like Steven Who Was? Is his eternal human soul on a cloud somewhere, playing a harp and flapping its wings? If so, what is he? If Steven Who Was went to human heaven, is he even Steven anymore? He looks like Steven. He remembers being Steven. If asked by anyone (and someone will inevitably ask; of that he is certain), he will surely tell people that he’s Steven. But if the body is dead and the soul is gone to some hallelujah by-and-by glory land, what does one call whatever is left? There’s no word for it, because it isn’t natural. Humans leave their bodies behind and Gems leave their shards behind, each shard containing a fraction of what once was.

Nod. That seems to describe him, doesn’t it? A shard. A fraction. A portion of something that was once whole. Is he any different than those pieces of the cluster existing in the Earth’s core? Is he in any way different from the Gem experiments that attacked Steven Who Was and Connie? He has trouble convincing himself of the contrary. He’s not supposed to exist like this. He’s not supposed to be… him. The other one, Steven Who Was, is supposed to be a part of him. Without that essential part of himself, what is he but a shattered remnant?

If he is thinking of himself this way, if he has trouble even seeing himself as anything but unnatural, what will the others think? He can hear them through the door, fighting over the body. Lapis and Peridot. Peridot knows that the body is compromised. No heartbeat. Lungs deactivated. Fixing Steven Who Was is not possible. Lapis doesn’t want to believe that. She’s even now screaming at Peridot to try again.

You are going to want me to do something. I know this already. You will expect me to heal the body.

Can he blame her? No. He wants to be able to do something. He wants more than anything for this to be some terrible dream. He doesn’t want to be washing the blood of Steven Who Was down the drain. He doesn’t want to think about how broken and helpless the body looked, lying on the grass. He doesn’t want to remember how optimistic Steven Who Was had been just minutes before, singing about the brightness of the future. Nothing to fear. No one to fight. If only Steven Who Was had known, if only he’d known just how much they actually had to fear. That the fight to come would be their last together.

Hear that sound? It’s not the sound of water running down the drain; it’s the sound of hope dying. I couldn’t keep Steven Who Was from dying. When it came right down to it, I failed him. I failed all of them. Steven is dead. If I’m not to blame for that, who is? The Gem with the scythe, obviously. But who wasn’t there to protect him from the Gem with the scythe? Who wasn’t there to provide backup and support when there was a clearly dangerous Gem on the loose?

Me. I wasn’t there. They’re all going to blame me. They’re all going to look at me, see the echo of a dead man. Every time they look at me, they’re going to see him and blame me.

Is the Greg going to see him that way, too? What is the Greg going to think? At some point, he is going to have to confront the man who had been their father. At some point the Greg is going to see the body, or be told about it, and then he is going to see him. Steven Who Remains. What will happen? What will he say? Steven Who Remains certainly doesn’t think he’ll embrace him and call him his son. There will be no tender moment, no air guitar or story from the past to bring them together. There will be only---

There is no point in following that line of thought any further. Whatever is going to happen with the Greg, it is not going to be pleasant. Furthermore, dwelling upon it will only add to the heavy burden sitting in his mind already. He shuts off the water and closes the bathroom mirror, catching a glimpse of his reflection for the first time as he does so. The diamond eyes stare back at him. He is the spitting image of Steven Who Was. Looking into his own reflection is like looking into the face of a dead man.

Anyone else looking at me is really going to lose their mind.

At this, the thoughts really begin to flood in. What is he going to tell Connie? What is he going to tell Garnet or Amethyst or Pearl? All of these beings who had loved Steven Who Was the most, and now all they have left is a rapidly cooling corpse and him. He is, he can admit, a poor substitute. He doesn’t even know what he is. How is he supposed to give them the answers they will demand of him? How is he supposed to give the answers he demands of himself? None of them are going to understand. They aren’t going to see him as anything but an abomination, a constant reminder of an unspeakable tragedy. Even Bismuth, who had attempted to treat him as she had always treated Steven Who Was, was betrayed by the look in her own eyes. He saw it there as she took him by the shoulders and led him

(home?)

Come to think of it, is this really his home?

On the bathroom counter, more and more of those butterflies land, fluttering their wings. He knows they aren’t real, but Garnet’s lessons to Stevonnie have paid off. She taught them to visualize intrusive thoughts as white butterflies, and now that is all he can picture. They swirl around the bathroom in a mass of white, hateful wings. He can almost feel them behind him, forming into something familiar, something he doesn’t want to think about: the colossal face of Steven Who Was.

“Now what will we do?” Butterfly Steven mocks. “I’m dead, you’re an abomination, and it’s all your fault!”

I can’t… I have to remember Garnet’s training.

“Hear what I’m telling you,” Butterfly Steven snarls. “My death is on your head. Everything that happened is because you failed to act.”

You're… not real.

Feeling the thoughts overwhelming him, smothering him, he thinks back on Garnet’s words: It was just a thought. It’s okay. But that advice was for fusions acting as one, wasn’t it? To keep fusions from becoming unstable. He isn’t a fusion any more. He supposes that the advice is still sound, but just thinking of fusions breaks his concentration and sets the butterflies to swarming again.

“Down in the mouth?” Butterfly Steven calls. More and more his voice sounds less like Steven and more like the one who killed him. The rubber hose bitch. “You should be. I mean, what are the others going to say? Well

(well well well well let me get a look at the menagerie)

“I won’t--”

Can it.

Ease off.

“Your pain is only beginning, whether I’m here or not,” Butterfly Steven says as his form begins to dissolve. “You’ll see.”

Pain? He isn’t sure if that is the right word to use, because he has a hard time remembering what pain is. It’s the campfire smoke all over again. He thinks he might have an inkling of what it means. He knows the textbook definition, but processing and feeling that emotion seems impossible with his humanity literally slashed to pieces. He is certainly in for an ordeal, and he needs no emotional processing to understand that.

“Get the machine going again!” Lapis yells from the other side of the wall.

“You don’t understand,” the smaller voice of Peridot replies. “I don’t know how else to tell you--”

On that, Steven Who Remains turns from the sink with a sigh. The blood is long gone. He is just delaying the inevitable, standing here listening to the fighting and letting his thoughts torment him like this.

Your pain is only beginning, whether I’m here or not.

Feet away, a mere stone’s throw, another butterfly appears. He stares at it for a moment, then disregards it.

“Again!” Lapis demands. Peridot is pleading with her now, but Lapis is having none of it. Another butterfly appears. He looks at it, and it looks back at him.

Relax, it seems to be saying as he moves past it and opens the bathroom door. I’m just a harmless butterfly. A product of your shattered mind. Don’t mind me.

“I’ll tell you again,” Peridot is saying as he steps out, “that it’s not going to work any more than it already has.”

Need for results has driven Lapis to desperation, and she lashes out at Peridot, coming close to violence. Bismuth admonishes them both for their behavior, but it isn’t Bismuth’s raised voice or words that bring everything to a standstill: it is the sight of him as he steps out into the light. He gives them a wave, as if he’s just a normal guy entering a normal room where normal things are happening. Where there’s not a dead body on the couch and bloody gems on the counter top. Where he’s not a ghost, a vapor, a remnant of what was.

Some part of him, perhaps some lingering yet dying part of his remaining humanity, hoped against hope that Lapis and Peridot wouldn’t be giving him the looks they’re giving him. Lapis looks like he’s just walked into the room and ripped a giant fart; Peridot looks either terrified or furious, though he can’t figure out which. Maybe both. Bismuth is uncomfortable. She stutters, curses, asks him for something.

Information. She wants to know his name. What should they call him? She doesn’t say the rest, but she doesn’t have to. It lingers in the air like a bad odor: What should they call him now that Steven is dead?

First name given: Steven.

Just Steven.

The reaction from Lapis is swift and unpleasant. She flies off the handle again, gesturing wildly at the body and screaming at him that the dead boy is Steven. Bloody water from a nearby bowl ascends into the air, fueled by her rage and sorrow.

Basic tact would have told him that this response would be the wrong one, but such things seem beyond him now. While his mind is a torrent of conflicting thoughts, a lot of his actions seem almost programmatic, as though he is nothing more than a computer carrying out commands. The words slipped from his lips as easily and effortlessly as rain water sliding through the gutters. He found this had also been true when he’d gone into the bathroom to wash up. While the blood had caused a lot of turmoil in him, washing it off had been almost routine.

Facts are facts: I’m not human anymore. I can’t feel the emotions I used to take for granted. I can’t restrain myself like a human. I can’t remember how to laugh. God, I can’t even remember what it feels like to laugh.

Can I even call myself a Gem? Even Gems laugh. What in God’s name am I?

“You want to be Steven?” Lapis demands, bringing him out of his own head. She points back at the remains of Steven Who Was. “Heal him!”

“Show them,” a nearby butterfly mocks. “Show them you can’t do it so that they’ll hate you even more. Look at how Bismuth has to try and shield you from Lapis. Look at the anguish in Lapis’ eyes. What do you think is the source of all of her pain right now?”

Me. It’s coming… from me.

“Where is it coming from?” the butterfly prods. “Say it again.”

It is coming from me. Looking at me, seeing the ghost of him, hurts them all.

“Hurts them?” the butterfly says. “It isn’t just hurting them; it’s tearing them apart.”

There is blood on Lapis’ hands as she stretches out her palms, demanding answers from him: if Steven heals people, why can’t he? He reaches down and clasps his gem. The gem that used to belong to Steven Who Was. It’s a self-conscious gesture, of that he’s quite aware. He does it anyway. It’s almost… a human gesture, as if there are still remnants of Steven Who Was inside of him, sputtering and fizzling out like dying embers. He looks towards the body.

Is there really nothing he can do?

No action he can take?

Pain riddles the voices of Bismuth and Peridot as they attempt to explain the frailty of organic life to Lapis. Rather than give her some peace of mind about the situation, it seems to fuel her anger. The bloody water that has been drifting towards the ceiling in grisly balls now swirls into a macabre spiral above their heads.

“You can’t do anything,” the butterfly says.

Are you sure? Why am I even listening to you?

Receding into the shadows, the butterfly vanishes and is replaced by two others. The first reminds him that Steven’s death was his fault. The second reminds him again and again of how broken he is. He isn’t fully human anymore, but he certainly isn’t a full Gem. He hasn’t been a full Gem since the day Rose Quartz gave up her form.

(a single pale rose a pink diamond a liar did she just make me so she wouldnt have to deal with all her mistakes)

Distant memories, those. Again, he is struck by how hard it is to remember emotion. He can certainly remember Steven Who Was in the pink room, shouting at a simulated version of his mother. He can remember Steven Who Was being sad and angry and conflicted. Yet, upon recalling these memories, he can not remember the emotions themselves. The emotions and the memories should come as a single package, yet they do not. There is a strange disconnect he can’t explain. In a strange way, it is like the day Steven Who Was and the Greg and Lapis Lazuli went out on a yacht

(ship)

(smoke from the engine)

on the open sea.

The day had started out nice enough. They'd done some fishing, soaked up some sun. Lapis had refused the Greg’s hat. At some point, the engine had exploded, causing black smoke to billow from below deck and bringing them to a standstill.

(horizon darkened horizon there were storm clouds there was rain and then she came)

(you i’ve been following you)

Are these two really going to fuse again? That’s what Steven Who Was had been thinking, over and over again, as Jasper got down on her knees and begged Lapis to become Malachite for a second time. Yet despite Jasper’s promises that she had changed, that things would be better, Lapis refused her. To be more precise, she formed a large water fist and punched her so hard she became a speck in the stratosphere. To latch onto those human emotions, to understand them, made him feel like Jasper did that day. He all but begged them to take him back, but they turned a cold shoulder to him.

Only, they aren’t just turning a cold shoulder. It’s like they’re pushing him away. Or punching him away. Each time he reaches for them, they seem more distant. Less defined.

Coming closer and closer to not being there at all.

Through all of his musings, his hand hasn’t left his gem. He’s been standing here, staring at Steven Who Was with a blank expression. Lapis has been growing angrier with him by the second. He is brought back to reality by a soft plink. A drop of red water from the hurricane above them. It runs down his face and drips off his nose. Another falls. Then another. Blood rain.

In the split second it takes him to register this, all hell breaks loose. Lapis, who has been clenching her fists and her teeth and glaring daggers at him, loses her composure and screams. Her grip on the vortex shatters.

Waves of bloody water pour down on everything.

Your pain is only beginning, whether I’m here or not.

Lips are moving, mouths are speaking, Bismuth is screaming, but he can’t hear her. Everything seems to be moving in slow motion. Lapis has him by the shirt, her enraged eyes mere inches from his. In this instant, several thought processes go through his broken mind. She’s demanding that he cry over the body, that he save Steven Who Was as Steven Who Was once saved Lars. He dismisses her as a threat in an instant. Lapis, as angry as she is, is not going to hurt him. He also knows that these demands might have been within the powers of Steven Who Was

(move your ass cry help him fix him)

but they might not be within his own.

I can’t even remember what it’s like to feel sad. How can I possibly cry over the body?

Can't remember.

“Hear how much pain she’s in,” a nearby butterfly says. “It’s your fault for letting Steven die. You--”

What the butterfly says next is lost as Bismuth gets between him and Lapis and pushes them apart. He stumbles backwards, his hand finally leaving his gem. When he regains his balance, Bismuth is still between them. He fixes Lapis with a glare. She is no threat, and she is merely acting upon her grief and emotions, but she has still pissed him off.

“You're feeling anger?” the butterfly says, sounding surprised. “Seems like you’re still feeling something after all.”

Saying that this was emotion is a bit of a stretch. He knows he didn’t like being roughed up and he knows he doesn’t like being pushed around. It is a certain amount of… displeasure. It certainly seems like what he remembers as anger. Is it because he had reacted instinctively to it? Were emotions more difficult to grasp onto if he was trying?

When the other Gem, the one who looked like some kind of sad clown, had poofed all of his friends and killed Steven Who Was, there had been emotion then. There was no doubt about that. He’d been furious. His hands had trembled with effort when Bismuth had arrived and reminded him that shattering Gems was wrong. It had taken everything inside of him to release that terrible scythe and let the clown bitch live.

I wasn’t trying to be angry. It just came.

Was that the key to all of this? If so, why did the emotions not come even when he wasn’t trying? Why could he not remember laughter? Why could he not remember the joy of a smile or why being around friends and family elicited feelings of love?

A quandary for certain.

Child Steven

(i think the gems refer to him as classic steven)

had a day perhaps a year or so prior to the end of the war in which he was snowed in with his family, listening to stories of how the Gems kidnapped him and stole the Greg’s van. That day was one of the happiest in the memories for Steven Who Was, and one that Steven Who Was often looked back on with fondness.

A happy day, indeed. But why? And why did Steven Who Was also think back so often on a certain week when Connie fell dreadfully ill? What was it the humans called this strange experience?

Fever. Connie had a fever. Steven had been at her side the entire time, cooking her soup and applying cold washcloths to her forehead. Mrs. Maheswaran told Steven that he needn’t spend all of his time fawning over Connie, that she was more than capable as a mother of taking care of her daughter.

“My time is Connie’s time until she gets better,” Steven told her, spoon-feeding Connie small amounts of hot soup.

Hands shaking, Connie reached up and stroked Steven’s cheek. It was a small, quick gesture, but it

(felt wonderful)

just made Steven more resolved to stick it out to the end.

Like the jam buds they were.

Two fantastic ingredients, jam and biscuit, which when combined together, make each other even better.

Balloons was an even better analogy, at least in mind of Steven Who Was. He sometimes liked to picture them as two balloons, floating higher and higher, their strings intertwined. There was no doubt in the mind of Steven Who Remains that Steven Who Was had been in love with Connie almost from the outset. Despite Garnet’s claims that “love takes time and love takes work”, Steven hadn’t experienced it quite the same way. From the moment he’d laid eyes on her, something in him had clicked. That’s why he’d saved her glow bracelet in the freezer. That’s why he’d tried so hard to impress her with his funky flow.

Now all those dreams he had are in ruins. The balloons have popped.

I've got to figure out what I’m going to tell her when she inevitably shows up.

Got to figure it out.

That was going to be fun, wasn’t it? Well, you see Connie,

(feeling optimistic connie ha boy do i have a whopper of a tale for you)

once everything finally quieted down and Steven was gearing up for some well-deserved R&R, a Gem we’d never seen before showed up and gutted Steven with a scythe and lopped off his arm. I should have done something to help, honestly. My bad.

Again, the butterflies begin to grow in number while Bismuth tries to get Lapis quieted down.

I can’t let this happen. You and Connie are supposed to be endgame.

Can't let it happen without trying to fix it.

Explain to Connie why the boy she loves is in pieces? Not if I can help it.

You both deserve better.

Would it make it easier for everyone if he at least tried, but still failed?

Not likely.

Understand, please, that I want Steven to be better as much as any of you.

This last thought sets him in motion. He moves away from Bismuth and Lapis and towards Peridot, who is attempting to block access to Steven Who Was with her body. Steven Who Remains never even breaks his stride. Peridot ends up diving out of the way to keep from being stepped on. She scuttles under the table, bumping it and sending a bowl of blood water crashing to the floor. She cowers behind Bismuth’s leg as they all watch him approach Steven Who Was.

Is the world supposed to look like a glitchy video game?

Not this way. No.

How could it be?

I feel like things are---

Am I imagining it, or are things beginning to go loopy?

I see Steven Who Was, but something is wrong. It’s like things are beginning to shift all around me, go out of frame. I feel more broken than ever.

“Have things become a little too real for you?” a nearby butterfly asks.

Become too real?

“Comfortably standing at a distance is one thing, but how do you feel now that you’re right next to him?”

Numb. I feel numb.

I feel broken.

Have things always looked this fragmented? When did the blood get back on my hands? Is that supposed to be there? When did they reattach his arm?

(become too real)

(comfortably standing at a distance is one thing, but how do you feel now that you’re right next to him)

(numb)

Okay, enough of this. Not only is he being watched, but Steven’s very survival depends upon his ability to produce some effective healing tears. He can’t let himself become disoriented and delusional. He shoots a look at the hateful butterfly, which vanishes into mist. He reaches out and touches Steven Who Was, hesitating for but a moment. Then he takes him by the hand and looks down at him. No tears come. He is not surprised.

Just an hour before, they’d been one. He’d been a part of Steven Who Was, and it was easier to be human. Steven Who Was had been smiling and singing and loving on his family.

A single event had destroyed all of that, but he will fix it if he can. He hopes beyond all hope that this will work. Little bits of memory trickle back to him as he leans down and kisses Steven Who Was on the forehead. He thinks he feels something, so tiny it is like a

(little remnant of magic)

pinprick. He experiences something that he thinks might be an emotion called hope. It begins to form inside of him, starting small but gradually swelling. He stands back and waits. Peridot creeps forward and looks at the heart monitor. Bismuth and Lapis follow, all of them waiting for the flat line on the screen to spring to life. For those terrible zeroes to increase, to show that there is some sign of life somewhere deep inside the cold body.

There'll be an improvement any moment now.

Be better. Get better. Live. Please.

“No improvement,” Peridot said at last. Bismuth cast a cautious eye at Lapis as Peridot said this. The hope balloon that had been getting bigger within him pops and leaves him feeling deflated.

“More,” Lapis says to him, her voice cold. “You should have done more. You should have cried.”

Ah, just leave me alone, he thinks as he strokes the hair of Steven Who Was. Can’t she see that he wants it as badly as she does? More than she does?

“But if you want it so bad," a nearby butterfly says, "why didn't it work?"

You already know why it didn't work.

"May I suggest that it didn’t work because you’re not capable?” the butterfly says. “Just like you weren’t capable of saving Steven. I feel--”

Feel this.

A puff of smoke and the butterfly is gone. Steven Who Remains turns his attention back to the conversation at hand. Bismuth is of the opinion that Steven wouldn’t cry because Steven can’t cry. She elaborates upon this by pulling out the scythe. The one that started this whole mess.

Little pinpricks of fear erupt inside of him and become an almost primal need to get Steven Who Was as far from the killing weapon as possible. He doesn’t understand what the device is capable of, or if it had the ability to do even more damage than it already has, but he isn’t taking any chances. Neither is Peridot. She recoils from it as if the mere act of touching it would cause her to lose all of her character development.

Sick device used by a sick bitch of a Gem, Steven thinks, cradling the body. Bismuth is talking about how Homeworld used it to “rejuvenate” rebellious Gems, but Steven isn’t listening. He is regarding the Rejuvenator-- and now Bismuth-- with caution and distrust.

Can you put that damn thing away please?

You should have gotten rid of it.

Stand farther away at least.

Up on the second floor perhaps?

“I don’t know what it did to the Crystal Gems,” Bismuth says, looking toward the bloody collection of gems on the counter, “but if this thing reset them, we’ll find a way to get them back. They’re the O.G. Crystal Gems, after all. It’ll take something far worse to keep them out of the game.”

Do not underestimate the terrible tool in your hand, Steven thinks, dragging the body as far away from Bismuth as he can.

Believe the stories you hear. If not them, then believe your own eyes. Look at Steven Who Was.

It's mere moments after Bismuth bends down to talk to Peridot again, seemingly about a way to help or fix Steven (Steven isn’t really listening), that Steven himself rises from the couch. Bismuth has placed the Rejuvenator on the counter and has carelessly forgotten about it.

Working quickly, he grabs the hateful device in both hands and holds it there. He looks down at the bubbled gem of the other one. The rubber hose clown. He looks down at the tool in his hands again.

Good God, what could drive her to such an act? Who is she? Why would she just show up out of nowhere and kill? What purpose does it serve? She claimed she didn’t know Steven wouldn’t poof. She even tried to apologize for all of this, but--

“That'll be a serious mistake,” the voice of Bismuth calls out to him, breaking him from his thoughts. He looks over. All of their eyes are now upon him. “Don’t do it, Steven. Why don’t you just put that down?”

Keep away. I have to do this. For me. For Steven Who Was.

“You don’t need to do anything foolish,” Bismuth says. “Why don’t we just talk about it?”

Going to do it. Going to end it.

Through all of this, through all of the guilt butterflies and the accusing face of Steven Who Was, the well-being of Steven has been at the forefront of his mind. If he hadn’t failed him, Steven would be alive now. If Steven was alive, he and Connie would still have a future. If the rubber hose girl hadn’t showed up, Steven would still be alive. It all came down to the rubber hose Gem and the horrendous tools of death and destruction she’d brought with her. Well, he could right at least one wrong.

The Rejuvenator cracks as he snaps it in two. There is a short buzz of electricity as the circuits inside die, then it becomes a useless stick. It would never harm anyone ever again. He looks back at the other Gems to find that Bismuth is once again restraining Lapis Lazuli, except this time she isn’t coming at him to make demands; she is ready to

(show me how much she hates me)

come at him full force and destroy him if it comes right down to it.

On this note, Bismuth gulps and reaches out a shaky hand towards him. He makes her nervous. He makes her uncomfortable. She has tried valiantly to hide this from him, but it has become too much for her to bear. She can conceal her true feelings no longer.

“It's okay,” she says to him. “Do you feel better?”

Time to respond. To say something in return. To give her a little something. To show some humanity, or some emotion, or some empathy. Why can’t he open his mouth? Why won’t the words come? It seems like it would be appropriate to say something, but some part of his programming tells him that it isn’t necessary to say something. It seems to him that in this case, his programming is wrong. Either that, or his programming is as broken as the rest of him. Still, he maintains his silence.

“To be honest,” she says after a long and rather awkward period where he simply stares up at her with his diamond eyes, “I wouldn’t want that thing around me, either.”

“Go on,” a nearby butterfly says. “Ask her if she meant the Rejuvenator, or if she was talking about you.”

There is a knock on the door, cutting off this exchange and causing the butterfly to evaporate. Before anyone can think to answer it, the Greg throws it open. He is holding a baseball bat and screaming Steven’s name.

Is there any way that this day can get any worse?

No. Not unless Connie shows up.

Pain drips from the Greg’s voice and tears run from his eyes. He runs to Steven Who Remains and embraces him. He expresses his relief at finding his son alive. Apparently, Bismuth shot him a text at some point. This is… awkward.

“You have no idea what you’re going to say to this man, do you?” a butterfly sneers as it flutters past. It moves towards Steven Who Was.

Are you serious? Get away from him!

Receding more and more as it grows closer, it laughs at him. Something is wrong. Something is terribly wrong.

A moment later, Steven Who Was turns his head and looks at him. Whatever the Greg is saying is lost as Steven Who Was lets out a groan and lurches from the couch.

Distant memories begin to flood in again, taking control and making the world seem glitchy and hazy.

(ship shaped like an arm)

(smoke or dust on the horizon of homeworld)

On a distant planet, they fought a good fight against the greatest tyrants the universe has ever known. One by one, each of these tyrants was brought to Steven’s side. The last holdout, White Diamond, refused to bend, and stood proud upon her platform, passing judgment upon them all.

The events of that day, the day of their first separation, are firm in his mind. Of all the things he has trouble remembering, this is not one of them. White Diamond, big as the Trade Center Building in Empire City, grabbing Steven in her mighty fist. Her pointy black claws raising his shirt and digging into his belly. The gem they shared coming out. Then he was there. Pink Steven. This was a brand new experience for him. For both of them. A bold new… what’s the human word?

Horizon.

You begged me that day. You looked at me, fell on your face. NO, PLEASE. I NEED - I NEED IT!

Are those words coming out of his mouth now? Oh, sweet heavens they are.

Only...

“Coming out” might not be the right phrase. More like “tumbling out”, “slurring out”, “sliding out”. Steven Who Remains is reminded of the old zombie flicks Steven Who Was used to watch on television late at night. These brute beasts with guts hanging out or rotting limbs dangling would lurch around and groan and grunt.

Through a massive swarm of butterflies, Steven Who Was reaches for him. Blood pours from his empty eye sockets in torrents. The blood pools on the floor beneath their feet.

In this moment, Steven Who Remains reaches in desperation for Garnet’s words.

Waves of fear crash over him, followed by waves of guilt.

Your training! Remember your training!

Lips barely matching the words he is saying, Steven Who Was speaks again: “I need it!”.

Move back to the couch. You aren’t real. Aren’t real. Aren’t real. You’re dead.

But he is having trouble convincing himself of that. He finds himself reaching for the outstretched hand of Steven Who Was, as if they are going to fuse back together again. He can also feel the pool of blood in which he is standing. The blood is between his toes, down inside his flip-flops.

I can’t handle this!

“Can't handle it! Can’t handle it! Can’t handle it!” the butterflies mock.

“Hear him now,” they laugh. “How strong he seemed, banishing us and chanting ‘Just a thought’ like a mantra. Where is your precious Garnet now?”

What is happening to me?

You’re not real! None of you are real! He’s not real, either!

Saying it over and over again in his head makes the visions begin to break apart, but they have one more trick: When Steven Who Was moves closer, Steven Who Remains can smell the decay coming from him. It is one of the worst rotten meat odors he’s ever experienced. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He thinks back on that day of training: Take a moment to ask yourself if this is how we fall apart.

When he opens his eyes, the butterflies are gone, Steven Who Was is back on the couch, and the Greg is calling out to him.

I didn’t mean to let you die, Steven thinks, looking over at Steven Who Was. I didn’t mean for this to be how we fell apart.

Was that fear on Bismuth’s face? She looks like she expects him to fly off the handle at any time, or expects the Greg to look back at the couch where Steven lay. What will happen when he sees his son’s body?

A disaster, that’s what. He will lose his composure. He might even go insane. Steven was the only family he had left, unless you count cousin Andy. Greg has no one now. He is all alone.

Child of the Greg. Son of Rose. I’m sorry.

I am so sorry. To you as well, Greg. This should never have happened

Caught up in the moment, an emotion comes back to him, raw and unexpected but real nonetheless: it is sadness. For the first time since this tragedy happened, he is able to feel something other than anger.

A simple, brief

(fleeting)

glimpse of the humanity he had so long taken for granted.

Out on the beach, the rain begins to fall. There is a distant roll of thunder. Is it poetic or cheesy to think of it as the sorrowful tears of the planet Steven had given his life to defend? Probably cheesy, but there it is. Everyone had shed a tear for Steven today except for him, even the goddamn planet itself. Why is he so incapable of this simple act, when it might prove to be Steven’s saving grace?

Of course, there is the possibility that Bismuth is right and that the Rejuvenator has somehow reset him to an earlier state. Strangely enough, he doesn’t feel reset. He remembers Steven’s life. He remembers their experiences together. If he is a reset Gem, shouldn’t he be more… Pink Diamond? Shouldn’t his memories be erased as well?

The answers will not be quick in coming, if they ever come at all. Likely, the only answers they’ll ever get will be from the rubber hose Gem. They’ll have to unbubble her eventually if they want to unravel this. No pun intended.

Corner her. Threaten her. Make her talk.

Of all the ideas that have gone through his head this day, this one is by far his least favorite. He doubts the Gems will be on board with it, either. Pure aggression is not their way, unless it is an absolute last resort.

“My human is dead! What do you know about what you did to me? How do I fix it?”

Eye to eye and with the Breaking Point pointed at her Gem, maybe it would work, but it seems ugly and messy and… Homeworld. He won’t resort to those kinds of tactics. Not even on her.

I almost did, though, didn’t I? When I held her gem in my hand.

Turned it this way and that. Looked at it. Dropped it on the ground. Pointed a sharp object at it…

To go down that rabbit hole was to risk having another episode, and he won’t do that. He will figure out how to get answers from her, but that isn’t the important thing to focus on at the moment.

Look at the Greg’s face. Look at the concern there. He hasn’t turned around yet. He’s still looking at me! Should I say something? Should I do something?

But he can’t. That part of his programming, the broken part, will not allow it. It keeps saying that it is unnecessary. Is it that, or is it some botched signal? Is the reality that he doesn’t want to be the one to break the old man’s heart?

It shouldn’t have to be anyone’s job to break his heart! We shouldn’t have to do this! Steven shouldn’t be dead!

Was that all there was to it? He feels something. Some emotion. Weak as a dying heartbeat. He reaches for it, but it slips away. He reaches for it again. It grows even fainter. It vanishes.

Gone. Had it been guilt? Apprehension? He doesn’t know.

I hate being a fraction of a person. A shard. A being who cannot feel emotions or react to social cues or show even the slightest bit of sorrow to an unspeakable tragedy.

Cannot or will not?

Put in simple terms, he can’t even tell if his inability to behave like a person is because he isn’t a person and thus can’t be expected to act like one, or because some mental block is keeping him from doing so. Do Gems even get mental blocks? He supposes that it’s possible. Gems can get emotional hang ups after being lied to, they can grieve for six thousand years, and they can eat and drink and pee in the ocean. Would it not, then, be possible for something to affect a Gem in such a way that it makes them unable to act in certain ways or feel certain things?

My best friend was just murdered by a crazy clown. Like something out of a Stephen King novel. I’d say that qualifies. We were all so happy. It was like the hand of fate came down on us for no reason.

Finger of God type stuff. Like we were too happy. Like the war was our destiny, and we weren’t suffering enough or something.

On that note, he dismisses the thought. He has never put much stock in religion. The reality is that they weren’t struck down by the hand of God; they were attacked by a crazy fuck with a scythe.

It really is as simple as that. If he has some kind of complex, it is because of her.

Now he has to determine how he is going to deal with it. How they are all going to deal with it. When he’d been standing in the bathroom, Butterfly Steven said something that had been cruel but true: this isn’t his life. This isn’t his home.

The others will feel the same.

Child of the Greg, son of Rose he is not. His diamond pupils and pink glow make that abundantly clear.

Is there going to be anything for me here when this is all over and done with?

Grown up Pink Steven might end up being a complete pariah in a world built by the blood, sweat and tears of classic human Steven.

The idea, surprisingly, does not fill him with dread or apprehension. He finds that, due to his emotional limitations, it is hard to care about much of anything except for Steven Who Was. He supposes that he cares about the Greg, and he supposes that he cares about the friends of Steven Who Was. A concern for the well-being of another has very little to do with emotion. When it comes to himself, however, it is a different story. Gems are not known for their drive for self-preservation. When Sapphire had run away with Ruby, Ruby hadn’t given much thought to whether she would be shattered or not, responding instead by asserting that there were tons of her. Pearl had thrown herself in front of weapon after weapon to keep Rose Quartz safe. Steven had given his life without hesitation in his efforts to protect his friends.

Dream big, but don’t put too high a value on your own life. That’s the Gem way.

Is that right? Certainly seems that way. And to boot, it stirs up some emotion in him. Is it indignation? Anger? Outrage at such a blase attitude? Before he can grasp it to identify it, it slips away.

Gone again.

I need to get a grip on that somehow. Need to learn how to process emotions without Steven there to do it for me.

Have to. Don’t have a choice.

Become my own person. Losing Steven Who Was may have left me a shattered remnant of what we once were, but maybe I can learn to be whole. Maybe I can break my programming like the original Crystal Gems did when they rebelled. Maybe I can learn to deal with emotions, and function like the Gem that I am. Learn to grasp things and respond and shed this callousness. Maybe then I won’t be quite so

(comfortably)

numb.

[aeyolia]

Chapter 9 - Erik

“But why is her name Pearl?!” Erik exclaimed.

“Because all of them are named after gems. We've been through this.” she laughed, shaking her head at him. They were five episodes in and that was the thing he couldn’t let go of.

“But that's the thing a pearl isn't a gem! A pearl is a composite of Aragonite and conchiolin. Gems are solely minerals with no organic compounds.” he sighed, pushing a hand through his hair. The door rang, catching his attention. Most likely, the pizza they ordered not to long ago.

“You are putting too much thought into this.” She sat up and went to answer the door. He watched as she walked away, a small smile playing on his lips. He knew he was being ridiculous, but he needed to zero in on something other than the fact he was in nothing but boxers and a robe, alone with Anya. She had insisted on throwing his clothes in the dryer and now was regretting telling her okay. Well half way regretting. He couldn’t say he didn’t enjoy the pink that had found her cheeks when she saw him come back out barely dressed. His phone buzzed for about the tenth time and he decided to finally glance at it. They were mostly from Jess and the team wondering where he was. Another text sent at that moment.

Tatertot: Is Anya okay? Rumors are spreading like wildfire about her right now. And your coach is pissed.

Golden Boy:  She's fine. How did you know I was with her? Was it Landon?

Tatertot: Let's see if X = Rumor about Anya losing it + Erik getting the urge to skip (both of them missing)

Tatertot: X= Erik is with Anya.

Golden Boy: Must you be so annoying?

“Is everything alright?” Anya asked walking back in the room, pizza in hand. Erik shut the ringer of the phone off and placed it back in the pocket of the robe.

“Yeah. Just my teammates looking for me.” he lied. He didn't want to but he figured it be best if she didn't know there were rumors spreading about her.  He wanted to protect her from that. “Apparently, me skipping was a bigger deal than I realized.” he shrugged moving over so she'd fit easily next to him. She climbed up on the couch, sitting on top of crossed legs.

“People don't like change. It's a proven fact. Skipping a class is one thing but the entire day?  Your fan club is probably losing its mind.” she teased him.

“My fan club?” Erik asked opening the box up and taking out a slice and handing it to her.

“Oh please, don't act like you don't know. I've been there two days and I know.”

“Know what? I'm genuinely lost here Sterling.” he pushed, feigning obliviousness.

“Come on, you are way too smart to be this dense. I KNOW you know how much everyone loves you. Everyone thinks you're attractive, talented, smart, the whole package.” she spoke taking a bite of her own slice. Erik watched her and she scrunched her eyebrows together. “What?”

“So...everyone thinks that huh? Even you? ” he asked trying to hold back a grin. She rolled her eyes in response, but the flushing of her face gave her away. “Well I'm not all that golden you know.”

“Oh yeah? Name one thing.” she said pausing the show and turning to face him.

“I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours.” he offered.

“Deal. You first though.” she egged on.

“Okay. You want to know what I'm actually really bad at?” he said putting the pizza down. “Romance.”

“Way to tell the truth.” Anya rolled her eyes.

               “I’m serious!” Erik played with the arm of the sofa, as he spoke, “Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had girls interested. Hell, even guys. I've taken a few out here and there for like dances, formals...prom was a must.”

“You were Prom King weren't you?” She interrupted, trying not to smile.

“NOT the point right now” he said rolling his eyes.

“That’s not a no.” She giggled making the teasing more endearing than annoying. He smiled.

“Really though. I just never met that person you know? And I didn't want to just lead anyone on. My life is busy. I never have any idea what I'm doing. People call me the Golden Boy. The All-American Dream. But it doesn't come without work. I barely have free time. I didn't want to ask someone to deal with that without really knowing that I liked them. Without knowing it be worth it.” he stopped talking, waiting for her reaction.  

“There's nothing wrong with waiting until you find the right person.” Anya replied, taking his hand. “You put the care of others before yourself. You sacrifice yourself to live up to people's expectations. So you're not perfect? Doesn't make you any less Golden. In fact, it makes you a diamond.”

“Is this about to be a Steven Universe pun?”

               “No! I'm being serious. Diamonds form after extreme amounts of pressure. And real, raw Dqiamonds have flaws. And yet we still think they are beautiful.” she explained. “See? I know a bit about geology too.”

               “I never doubted it for a second.” he smiled back. “So, what about you? Is there a guy waiting for you back in New York?”

               “Well, no. I had a boyfriend once but, we broke up pretty quick.  Most people steer cleared from me. ” she sighed softly. Now she was the one who was nervously playing with the couch.

“How come?” Erik asked, turning to give her his full attention.

“Well, when I was younger, weird things used to just happen to me all the time. I'd wake up at the docks every morning. My dad even used to lock my bedroom door but it didn't matter. And I couldn't ever tell them how I'd end up there because I'd be sleeping. And then things of coincidence always happened around me. Pipes bursting or windows shattering. Eventually, people just avoided me. Not that I could blame them. Then one day it all just. Stopped. I thought it was finally over. I could be normal. But then I moved here and it’s starting again.”

“And that's why you freaked about the dreams.” he said and she nodded solemnly. “You were worried we’d reject you too.”

“I’m sorry I don’t mean to be so this.” she began to tear up, and Erik’s heart crumbled in his chest. No wonder she reacted the way she did. Something like that could be traumatic for anyone.

“Hey, no tears.” He said, wiping one stray drop one from her cheek. “I know what it was like to feel alone, we all do. Even with my family, as close as we are, I always felt like I'm still catching up. Like I must work ten times harder just to fit their perfect family image. Xander's basically a single parent to his siblings. His parents work their asses off all day and night. And Jess well...she's an orphan. A victim of a failed system. We all have felt alone. We all have our demons. That's why we're so close. The worst things about our lives, they are what keep us together. Being a little different won't push us away Anya.” Erik stroked her face lightly with his thumb. “We’re your friends.”

“You've only known me two days Erik.” she said eyes closed, face leaning into his hand.

“Yeah, but it feels like longer doesn't it?”

Anya nodded and opened her eyes. Erik swore his heart skipped the moment their eyes locked. A thick air of tension now laid between what once was an innocent conversation. God, he wanted to kiss her. Correction. Every nerve in his body was fighting the urge to kiss her.

“Anya...” he spoke her name softly, one thumb rubbing across her cheek.

“Yes?” she answered, and his eyes flickered to her lips and then back to her eyes. Those damn aquamarine eyes stole every piece of reasoning and logic he had.

“Would it be okay, if I-.” He stopped talking when she nodded, moving closer to him. Their mouths connected and Sparks flew in every direction, and the world disappeared around them, along with all of their worries, thei troubles and their problems. She made him feel like none of that mattered. It was a small yet warm kiss. Erick honestly never knew a kiss so innocent could be so intimate and electrifying. Their lips were moving in perfect sync, his hands feeling her waist. He pulled her closer, the kiss deeper, more passionate.

He intended to just kiss her once, take things slow. But when she didn't move away, the kiss grew hungrier, desperate. She moved to straddle him fingers running down his spine, pulling him closer until there was no space left between them and she could feel the beating of his heart against her chest. Erik's fingers ran through her hair, causing it to cascade down around her shoulders.

God she was beautiful.

He wanted to slow down, but he couldn’t. No girl ever, would ever, take his breath away that she had. It was petrifying as it was mesmerizing.

The doorbell rang, snapping them out of their passion infused state. They separated their lips, foreheads pressed together as their chests rose and fell, lungs begging for oxygen. The bell rang again.

“I should get that.” she finally said, a smile on her face, lips red and swollen.

“Or we could ignore it?” he smiled back, pulling her back to him. Emboldened by the rush of hormones running though his system he began to kiss her neck and shoulders. She sighed, one hand running through his hair before gripping it and pulling his head away from her body. The bell rang again and Erik let out a frustrated groan. Anya giggled, placing one last kiss on his cheek before untangling herself and walking towards the door.

Erik laid his head back on the sofa, taking deep breaths as he regained his composure. Never had he ever been pulled so strongly to a person. He hoped she didn't think he was lying earlier. That he was just trying to make a move on her. Because that wasn't the case. Anya was different. He knew it the moment she saw her.

The creak of the door echoed and he heard Anya gasp. He quickly sat up to peer into the foyer.

“We decided to skip in solidarity...and bought apology donuts! Please say you don’t hate me?” Jess' voice echoed down. “I'm sorry we pushed all that on you. It was stupid...Can we come in?”

Anya looked over at Erik who shrugged in return. Your choice. He mouthed.

“Well...how can I say no to apology donuts?” Anya smiled. He watched as Jess jumped happily into Anya’s arms. “Okay, okay! Come in.” She took a step back and in walked Jess and Xander.

“We weren't interrupting anything were we?” Xander asked, one eyebrow raising at Erik who suddenly realized how this looked. He pulled the robe tighter around him.

“Not at all. My clothes are in the dryer. Pipe burst remember?” He explained, a nervous chuckle escaping his lips.

“I'm sure there was. “ Jessica smirked and Anya's face turned red.

“ANYA was introducing me to the world of Steven Universe.” Erik changed the subject.

“Help yourselves to the pizza.” Anya said, taking a seat next to Erik. He lifted his arm up and without missing a beat she snugged against him. It made his smile grow into a full-on grin.

“Oh no...they’ve imprinted.” Jess said falling to the ground dramatically. “I can see what's happening. And they don't have a clue. They'll fall in love and here's the bottom line. Our trio's down to two!”

She and Xander continued to quote the Lion King earning a hard pillow toss from Anya,

They all laughed, Anya catching them up on the show.

And just like that it was like that morning had never happened.

[weeping-petals]

Little Thief

Word Count - 2,194

The gems grieve in their own ways for the loss of Rose Quartz. 

It had been different since… Rose.

 Not like the times that one of them had taken off on some mission and lost track of time, reappearing months, possibly years later. The passage of time for gems was different, time existed beyond them, detached. Somehow now, it felt… different. As if in some way time creeped into one of them and the clock ran out all at once, and suddenly they were all grounded to this specific place. Anchored to a now, where once time extended and branched outward around them.

 “I still don’t get it,” Amethyst huffed. She walked a distance back from the other two, arms crossed behind her head. The light snowfall ended hours ago, leaving a fluffy layer across the sidewalks and soil made harder than Apatite. “You keep sayin’ Rose is gone, but we have Steven. And Steven isn’t Rose, but she has Rose’s gem. How come they aren’t the same person?”

 Pearl rubbed at her eyes and looked off. The icy wind didn’t bother them, yet she still looped her arms around her shoulders. It made her look chilled, with her lack of sleeves.

 Ever patient Garnet came to the rescue. Always easygoing, calm, and collected. “Rose and her child can’t exist together, because Steven has her gem.” She thought it over a bit, searching the night sky for answers and strength.

 The three gems were out at this hour on a patrol, assuring that Beach City had no secrets or dangers present before they turned focus to missions. Someone would always stay behind while they ran to distant destinations, but Amethyst was less experienced with fighting and tact, and Pearl was… preoccupied. The general atmosphere of Beach City was still, the snowfall forcing inhabitants behind walls and into blankets on this inhospitable night. Some wispy clouds remained stubborn across the cobalt sky, tinged a varied of shades of royal and yale.

 “It’s like Ruby and Saphire,” she began. Garnet walked over to the Amethyst and knelt, showing her hands. “Garnet is her own person, but not alone. She – I – am both a part of Ruby and Saphire. But they have their gems, they have their own persons. I am neither one or the other, I am my own person. I recognize that now.”

 Amethyst set a hand over her chin, and the other touched one of Garnet’s palms. Intense thought was going into this deduction. “So, she’s like a fusion. Yeh, I get that.” Garnet winced when Pearl groaned.

 “Sort of…” Garnet frowned, searching pathways for the right words. “But baby humans are not like fusions. They are individuals, detached from their fusors. I can’t go anywhere without Ruby, or Saphire. It’s physically impossible. Steven… has a freedom we will never totally understand.”

 “Okay. But it’s not like they don’t stop existing when they make you.” Amethyst pointed out the two gems on Garnet’s palms. “That’s Saphy, and there’s Ruby. I recognize their cuts. Steven has Rose Quartz gem, so why isn’t she Rose Quartz still?”

 “Amethyst!” Pearl barked. Garnet stood and held up her hands, stoic but trying to ease the boiling point that hit the Pearl. “The concept isn’t that difficult to grasp! Even for you!”

 “Try me!”

 “The two of you—” Garnet stopped, head snapping towards the serene city limits, interrupted briefly by the chug of a primitive engine. From the roads careened a vehicle, plowing through drifts of powdery snow and bucking over hidden obstacles with reckless abandonment. The head lights flashed across the three figures in the night, and abruptly swerved to avoid impact. It barely came to a full halt, when one of the doors cracked open and a figure tumbled out. Thankfully, the van lost momentum and stayed put, engine still rattling.

 A panty, lumpy figure trudged through the snow layer. “Guys! Guys!” Patiently, the three waited for Greg to catch his breath or catch up with them. He was doing more crashing and shivering than covering ground. Was he in his flipflops? “I— Help! It’s— I was!” He gaged on a mouth full of snow and crashed sideways. “STEVEN!”

 “What happened? What’s wrong!” Pearl was the first to reach Greg. She hesitated at his side refusing to touch the sputtering human, and only knelt as Greg struggled to surface from another mound of frost. “What have you done now? We can’t trust you with anything!”

 Those words made him wince. “I didn’t— an angry twizzler stole him!”

 Befuddled and shook, the three gems stood in varied expressions of painfully slow buffering. Pearl wilted and looked to Garnet, who held the stoniest expression of them all. To a stranger, this may have appeared indifferent to the presented situation of panic and unknowns, to the gems that knew her relatively well…. Amethyst was backing away, dawning horror on her face.

 There was high likelihood someone was going to shatter this night.

 __

 In a deep shadow, above where the waves crashed and bubbled, the sea froths and scrubbed away at frozen rocks:

 “So. You’re the Gem that stole her away. Robbed me of my Happily. ℰ𝓋ℯ𝓇.

̗̬̳̥̠͚̟̻͇̅ͧ̑̂͗ͮͪ̌ͥ͝.̢͔̰̩ͬ͋ͣ̿͑̄ͩ͠

̻̲͙̲͗ͪͦ̀̓Ḁ̞̯̀ͮͭ̅͊̀̋f̵̝̪̦̹̪͔̝̖͖͂̎̂ͥ͘͘t̤͆̚e̤͇̫̻̹͉ͮͪͫ͢ͅr̸̲̰̹͚̗ͫͦ̂̑ͩ͢ .”

 The baby nibbled on her – his. His fingers, and sniffled. He had not woken at all throughout her reckless and wild movement through the town. Though that was a goal, it was entirely too easy to jostle a tiny and sensitive baby, and she didn’t need to upset the pebble and have him wailing across the night. She really didn’t want to hear him cry.

 “Hmm. But you’re… kinda cute. I guess.” She touched the little puff of curls poking out from the blanket bundled around his body. “A cute lil thief.” A tear plipped on the baby’s nose, and the eyes opened, staring up at the looming being. “Thieved me of my entire world. My purpose. Everything I ever thought was precious to me. Everything I fought for, would’ve splint in two for. You don’t know what that’s like, do you? Hmm? You have no idea yet. Huh?”

 The baby blinked, vacant of comprehension. He knew his father, and to an extent, foggily recalled Others. But this one. This one was stark and different, in shape and color. Light from the moon hit the ocean, and its brilliant radiance slanted through the alcove catching on the sculpted stone set in her chest. Every buckling quake of her body caused the light to jitter, and her eyes, dulled by sorrow, glimmered in the sullen light. Nothing else was visible, aside from magenta streaks drooping.

 “Will you ever be capable of understanding? How much you hurt us. Hurt me. Rose. Wasn’t I enough? Why? Why wasn’t I enough?” Spinel choked and bent forward, unable to regain control of the intense wave vibrating through her Gem. She was never good enough. Nothing was ever good enough for Rose – Pink Diamond. Having a colony didn’t satisfy her, having a whole world to herself, not good enough. She couldn’t be happy with her friends, the only survivors of the War. It was never enough. Spinel failed. Failed her Diamond. There was no greater shame, than failing the one you were created for. She had one purpose in all of her existence, and it was gone.

 “Why? Why wasn’t I good enough? What did I do wrong! Why couldn’t she just be happy, with me? What should I have done?”

 The baby coughed and began an insignificant gurgle, reeling that into a rolling yowl. Spinel jolted, body coiling a little tighter around the bundle.

 “No-no-no,” she cooed. “Oh no-no, please don’t cry. Shh-shh….” She tugged the blanket corners around his neck and made certain none of the damp air got through. She wasn’t exactly feeling like a furnace right now, but she could generate heat. It used energy, but she could do that. None of it was soothing the baby, his cracked hiccups and pitiful whimpers edged on Spinel’s natural instincts to comfort. Again, she was failing. Pathetic.

 “Please, I don’t know… I don’t know how…Rose.” She felt so lost, severed from abilities she had purposefully learned and were not inherit to Gems. How did it go? What did humans do? What did pebble humans like? She could just bubble him, that was what they did with unruly corrupted Gems. “Please stop. Shhh-shhh…. Um.” She hummed, choosing a tune and warble lost from ages ago. It was soft and bittersweet, a melody that once upon a time moved through the Garden, before the Great War. Before she abandoned innocence, for a new purpose. A new Game.

 The baby hiccupped and spluttered, eyes blinking at the strange being. He looked on the verge of regressing, spurring Spinel to draw her arms up from her lap and hold the child to her gem.

 “Oh my stars, Oh distant galaxies, watching and turning, tirelessly pining. I stand still and proud in my Garden all alone, waiting out the eons as they slip away. I wonder, will today be the day my light returns? My radiance and eminence given form, to take and hold me, praise me. My purpose, my star gifted aspiration. Will this be the day I win the game? What fun we’ll have, if we keep each other. Cherish one another. For eternity boundless.’

 “Endless and timeless, we are forever. What always was, shall then continue. From my Garden I watch as the ones once cherished, grow distant and dim. But not us. Not us. A star becomes a nova, but a Gem is set and steadfast. Farewell to the stars, the galaxies, vacant of passion, bereft of sorrow. Void of precious longing. We burn bright, but stars snuff out. When they dim, erupt, dazzle like Gem Glows, I say farewell. I will miss your light, I will grieve for your guidance and comfort this night. Stars flicker and fall, but not us. Not us. We are… we are forever.”

 This was not how it was supposed to be. This was not how the game should have ended. Spinel buckled, struggling and failing to shove off the memories. The longing and irreversible nature of permanence.

The baby burbled and snuggled into her chest. He breathed calmly, absorbed in the lullaby and quieted into soundless sleep. Her tears soaked into the thick fiber of the blanket.

 This. This was all she had now. No more Rose, no more—

 “SPINEL!”

 Her eyes snapped open, rimmed and spiraled. Below on the ledge of the sea cliff stood the remnants of the Crystal Gems, minus Pearl. Where could Pearl be?

 “You need to give little Rose back!” Amethyst’s Gem gleamed as she reached for her weapon, but an arm set out by Garnet stalled this movement. Spinel narrowed her eyes.

 “You need to return him,” Garnet boomed. “It is too cold for a child to be out unprotected, you’re putting his life at risk. He’s not like us, he’s human!”

 “What’s his name,” Spinel murmured. “What did they… decide to name him? He’s a… uhh, a Rose Quartz.”

 “Steven,” Garnet supplied, gently. “Rose wanted him to have a human name. He might have a gem, but he may turn out to be more human than Gem. We don’t know.”

 “Hah. Hah-ha.” She tugged her knees up around her arms and checked the entrance of the alcove. Pearl’s absence made her nervous, but it was possible she wanted nothing to do with this confrontation. Either way, the baby – Steven’s – safety, was the forefront of their focus. “This was what she wanted.” She often said that in the few months following the news. “She wanted. This.”

 “It was her decision., and we will preserve those wishes!” Garnet edge her body down, moving her arm away from Amethyst. The stout Gem reached for her weapon, scowling. “For his safety, we will take chances. Don’t make us take that course. Please, Spinel. I have seen the choices you make, and they all end badly.”

 “You can’t bluff me.” Spinel blew a raspberry. “I know better.”

 “Then consider I don’t care what I see. It’s irrelevant. What I do know, is that under no circumstance will we fail. We will take Steven back, and deal with you accordingly.”

 Spinel sighed and drew her face back from Steven’s forehead. “You really can’t take the chance, can you? Pff.” Like a thread unraveling from a sweater, Spinel uncoiled her body and stood. Garnet and Amethyst flinched, geared for the next act. Spinel picked her way gracefully down the jagged rocks, a complete contradiction to her sporadic and craggy movements. Gradually, Garnet unwound her own body and stood at her full height. When Spinel hit the moonlight fully, Amethyst’s jaw dropped.

 She was on high ground and didn’t need to stretch herself, to pass the baby from her arms. “Despite you yelling, he stayed asleep.” She backed away, cloaking herself in the shadows once more until only her eyes and gem were visible.

 “Spinel—”

 “What happened?” Amethyst blurted.

 Spinel didn’t answer, instead, she shut her eyes and doused the light burning in her Gem.

 “What HAPPENED to her!” Amethyst spat, once more. Garnet was about to respond, but jarred and stooped low.

 “Duck!”

 Honestly, Amethyst didn’t need to. Pearl cleared her head with enough space and went sailing outward, with a wail, spear in hand. The two watched her descent and inevitable splash in the ice capped waves below.

 “Nice try, Pearl.”

 Amethyst cupped her hands around her mouth. “You had ONE JOB!”

[thirteen-beaxhes]

Our Last Words - Chapter 9

Summary:  In a universe where the last words your soulmate speaks to you are printed, Cyrus Goodman wants nothing more than to never meet them. And he definitely doesn’t want it to be the blonde-haired boy in his class.

ALL LINKS IN REBLOG

~~~~

Visions of Gideon - Sufjan Stevens

No no no. This couldn’t be happening.

Cyrus’ breathing grew shallow, his throat dry. The floor began to sway beneath his feet. He staggered backwards, leaning against the light blue walls of his bathroom.

His eyes were playing tricks on him. That’s all. Everything was okay. If he checked again, the words would be black.

With what felt like an enormous amount of effort, he pushed himself off the wall, moving towards the mirror, his eyes trained to the ground.

Deep breaths. In. Out. In. Out. Everything was okay. Cyrus’ eyes stung with tears threatening to fall as he looked up at the mirror. Slowly, with each breath bringing a greater sense of dread, he lowered his shirt from the collar, forcing himself to look at his shoulder.

Grey.

His breath caught in his throat, producing a strangled noise, as Cyrus covered his mouth with a hand. He sank to the floor, the tears now flowing freely. Cyrus pressed his hand to his mouth, desperately trying to hide his sobs. But it was impossible.

He pulled his knees to his body, hiding his face in his hands. He could practically hear his heart break into pieces, the fragments scattered on the tiles of his bathroom floor. His surroundings now seemed dull, unimportant. And in the aftermath, Cyrus could think of only one thing to say to TJ, one thing which now he never could.

You broke your promise.

*

There had to be a way around this, right? Cyrus thought to himself, finally getting off the bathroom floor and walking to his bed, almost as if he was in a daze. His soul may as well have just left his body, with every movement of his feeling like it was someone controlling him with puppet strings.

He collapsed onto the bed, the tears now dried on his cheeks. Every now and then, a choked sob came up in his throat, shaking his whole body. He reached over for his phone. There were missed calls from Buffy and Andi, dozens of text messages from the GHC’s group chat. Scrolling through the notifications, Cyrus hoped against hope that the name ‘Teej’ would be there, with some comforting words, or even a Shrek reference that Cyrus famously loathed. He would take it in a heartbeat over the inevitability of the rest of their lives.

Holding his breath, he opened TJ’s chat, scrolling back a bit, fresh tears forming as he looked back at their previous conversations. Steadying himself, Cyrus opened the keyboard, praying to any higher power that lay out there.

Cyrus: hey teej?

Message not delivered

No, please. Not now, Cyrus thought, typing out another.

Cyrus: please

Message not delivered

And so it went on for 10 minutes, Cyrus desperately trying to say something, say anything to TJ. But nothing went through.

As if it wasn’t supposed to.

Frustrated, Cyrus threw his phone against the wall, shattering the screen. But he couldn’t care. Pressing the balls of his palm against his eyes to stop the tears, he curled up in bed, trying not to think about TJ.

Trying not to think about his warm smile, the one he saved only for Cyrus. Trying not to think about how his eyes shone when talking about things he loved, whether it be basketball, dirt biking or the environment. Trying not to think about how his hugs always managed to make Cyrus feel safe and at home. Trying not to think about their first kiss, the rain pouring around them, as they promised to always be for each other. Trying not to think about how they first met, how they became friends, how they helped each other grow.

Trying not to think about how much he loved him.

*

“Cyrus! Open the door. Please.”

Cyrus woke up, his eyelids feeling glued together after having cried himself to sleep. He rubbed them, trying to wake up, now keenly aware of the pounding noise of his door being knocked on. The sound drilled into his brain and he tried to shut it out, covering his head with the pillow, but to no avail.

“Cyrus, come on. You’ve been in there for 2 days straight. Please, we’re worried,” Buffy said, knocking again.

“And you haven’t answered our texts either. Is everything okay? Talk to us,” Andi added.

After a moment of silence, Cyrus rolled off his bed with a sigh, moving to open the door.

“Finally, now what reason could there be for,” Buffy began, trailing off as soon as she saw Cyrus’ tear-stained face and empty eyes. Andi tried to hold back a gasp, her hand involuntarily reaching for Cyrus’ shoulder.

“Cy? What happened?” Andi asked, her voice gentle and laced with concern.

Cyrus took a deep breath, finding it hard to say anything. The two girls walked into the room, closing the door behind them, and sat on his bed.

“I-It’s TJ,” Cyrus managed to get out, every word taking a tremendous amount of effort after having not spoken to even his mother for the past 2 days.

“What did he do? I swear if he hurt you, I’ll hunt him down,” Buffy said, moving to push herself off the bed, but Cyrus grabbed her hand and stopped her.

“I told him that I loved him,” Cyrus whispered.

“But, Cyrus. That’s great!” Andi said, confused. “Unless he didn’t say it back?”

“No, he did. So cliché. Saying we love each other on our one-year anniversary,” Cyrus said, laughing weakly.

“So, what’s the problem, Cy?” Buffy said, furrowing her eyebrows.

Cyrus took in a breath, looking up at the ceiling to stop the tears from rolling down his cheeks. Steadying himself, he looked at the bedspread and finally, in a broken whisper, he said it.

“TJ’s my soulmate.”

Buffy’s furrowed eyebrows relaxed as the realisation hit her. Andi wrapped her arms around Cyrus’ shoulder, holding him tight. Buffy grabbed Cyrus’ hand in her own, rubbing comforting circles with her thumb. Cyrus rested his head on Buffy’s shoulder, his other hand holding onto Andi’s waist. The three sat there for what seemed like forever, the silence cut by choked sobs every now and then.

“How did it… you know,” Buffy asked, unable to find the right words to say.

“We were just at his house having a lazy day. TJ wanted us to go to a trampoline park the next day. You can guess what happened then,” Cyrus said, his eyes downcast.

“Cyrus, I’m so sorry,” Andi said, giving his shoulders a squeeze.

“We’d had such a good day too,” Cyrus said, his voice cracking as the tears finally gave way once again. He had spent the last 2 days in a constant cycle of tears and recovery. And there didn’t look to be an end to it.

“Is there anything we can do?” Buffy asked softly.

“Just, stay here, please? I don’t wanna be alone right now,” Cyrus said, looking the two of them as they smiled and nodded.

Surrounded by his best friends, Cyrus forgot everything. Even if it was only for a brief moment in time.

It was worth it.

*

“You know, I can’t believe I’m saying this. But I miss Amber as our waitress,” Buffy said, taking a sip of her milkshake. She had grabbed Cyrus and had practically dragged him as soon as school ended to the Spoon, saying that he needed some good old baby tater therapy. But Cyrus knew that it was also so that he didn’t accidentally catch a glimpse of TJ. Not that it was a problem, since he and TJ went to different high schools. That should have been a sign that it was going to end, he thought to himself, nibbling on his baby taters.

“Yeah, actually. Who else would mess up our orders and just spend their entire shift talking to us instead of working?” Cyrus replied ruefully. Amber had been one of their really good friends, but ever since she and Andi had exchanged their last words the previous year, they saw her less and less. She moved away 2 months after that, losing contact with everyone she knew from Shadyside. It crushed Andi the most, and the delicate acceptance she had built up till that day fell apart.

That’s the thing no ever told you about the aftermath of talking to your soulmate for the last time. It’s not just those 2 people whose lives are torn apart. Everyone close to them is also impacted, their sense of normal ripped out from under their feet.

Cyrus shook his head slightly, trying to think about things other than soulmates.

“So, how’s basketball going?” he asked Buffy, trying to turn the topic away from lost soulmates.

She perked up and immediately began talking about their practices. While Cyrus understood practically nothing, he hung on every word, taking comfort in seeing his best friend light up about something she was so proud of.

“The girls are amazing! I was actually intimidated by the captain at first. Can you believe it? Me? Intimidated by someone?” Buffy said with a laugh. “I guess that’s why I started acting all high and mighty again. To prove that I was good enough for them.”

“Again? Like you stopped?” Cyrus said, raising an eyebrow. Buffy just glared at him, punching him lightly in the shoulder.

“You know what I mean!”

“I do, I do,” Cyrus said, raising his hands in surrender.

“Anyway, turns out, if you don’t act like you are the greatest player that ever was, you can actually make some really good friends,” Buffy said, smiling fondly.

“Cheers to that,” Cyrus said, clinking his milkshake with Buffy’s.

“So, how are you holding up?” Buffy asked after taking another sip of her milkshake.

“Buffy…”

“I know it’s not something you want to talk about, but trust me. At some point, you have to say something. You can’t keep things to yourself forever. Believe me, I would know, wouldn’t I?”

Cyrus sighed, holding Buffy’s hand across the table. “You’re right. And you and Andi did talk about it almost immediately after. It’s just,” Cyrus hesitated. “It’s gonna take me more time.”

“Of course it will. And that’s okay,” Buffy said, squeezing his hand. “Whenever you are ready to talk, we’re all right here. Okay?”

“Thanks Buffy,” Cyrus said, his voice choking up for the millionth time the past 4 days.

“So, what say we get out of here and throw on some Jurassic Park?” Buffy said, grabbing her bag.

“But don’t you not like Jurassic Park?” Cyrus asked, amused.

“Eh, some sacrifices are worth being made.”

Smiling, Cyrus reached for his wallet to pay for the food, but their waitress came up to him and stopped him.

“You don’t need to pay for it,” the girl said. She had brown hair in a bob cut and she seemed two years older than them. She definitely wasn’t Amber.

“Why not?” Cyrus asked, confused. Even Buffy looked perplexed.

“This guy came in earlier. Tall, blonde hair, green eyes.”

TJ. Cyrus felt his heart start to beat faster, as he tried to focus on the girl’s words.

“Anyway,” she continued. “He came up to me and showed me a picture of you, saying that whatever you ordered should be put on his tab. Something about a bet or something? He had left a note but I lost it. I don’t know but you don’t have to pay.”

With that, the girl walked away, leaving Buffy in more of a confusion than before. But Cyrus was just staring at the plate, his mind running at a million miles per second.

“Cyrus? Do you know what just happened?” Buffy asked after seeing Cyrus’ lack of response.

Slowly, Cyrus nodded as he tried to fight the tears. He coughed a bit, trying to say something.

“That day, we had a bet over something. I don’t even remember what. If I won, TJ said he’d pay for my baby taters and milkshakes for a year. I didn’t even remember,” Cyrus said, laughing weakly.

Buffy just held his hands as he cried, but amongst the sadness, there was a small amount of happiness.

At least he isn’t all gone.

*

“Have you tried texting him?” Andi asked as she, Buffy and Cyrus walked into school.

Cyrus just silently pulled out his phone, showing all the undelivered messages.

“What did you expect, Andi? The same thing happened with the both of us,” Buffy said with a sigh.

“I just hoped that maybe this time it would be different.”

“Have you guys spoken to him?” Cyrus asked.

“I’ve tried, but every time I want to tell him something you said, I just forget it,” Buffy said.

“Me too. It just slips our mind every time,” Andi added.

“Hey guys!” Jonah said, walking up to them with his characteristic smile.

“Oh, Cyrus! I met TJ on the way,” Jonah said after the group had walked into the school building.

“You did?” Cyrus asked, his voice small.

“Yeah. He wanted me to give you a note. Here,” Jonah said, reaching into his pocket, only to find the note missing. “Wait, I had it right here!”

“It’s okay, Jonah,” Cyrus said, patting his shoulder. “I didn’t expect you to find it.”

“What do you mean?”

“Because, we’ve tried this all before. Texting, notes, even asking our friends to go and say something. It doesn’t work,” Andi said sadly as she hunted for her English book.

“That doesn’t seem fair,” Jonah said.

Buffy put her arm around his shoulder with a sigh.

“It isn’t.”

*

“I’ll see you guys later,” Cyrus said, waving goodbye to his friends as he left school on that Friday. He held onto his bag, starting to head off until he froze, seeing someone across the courtyard.

TJ.

It was as if time stood still. Cyrus didn’t know how to react. It had been more than a week since he had last seen TJ and his throat went dry, his breathing heavy. This was extremely unexpected.

TJ looked just as shocked. He looked terrible, Cyrus thought to himself, noting his harried appearance and slouched shoulders. He looked as broken as Cyrus felt. All Cyrus wanted to do was run across that courtyard and hug TJ, never intending to pull away. God, he would always love him.

It seemed like TJ had a similar idea, starting to walk towards Cyrus. But just as he started to move forward, Buffy called out to Cyrus, making him turn away from TJ for a moment. When he turned back, TJ was gone. Cyrus just about caught him being walked away by one of his former teammates.

That should have been expected. As Cyrus turned away, his heart still fractured but no tears left to cry, he took a deep breath.

There was never going to be anything more. The universe was making sure of that.

And he would have to live with it for the rest of his life.

~~~~~

oh geez this is the longest chapter in the story.

so this is the last chapter before the epilogue. i can’t believe this fic is almost over omg. my first chaptered fic huh.

anyway, hope you guys liked this chapter! i’m sorry for the pain, i really am.

[haberdashing]

Escapism 2.0

Lars is visited by Steven. It doesn’t go how he thought it would.

Set some time after the events of Escapism.

Inspired by this comic (spoilers).

on AO3

Lars hadn’t been expecting a visit from Steven, exactly, but the boy’s sudden appearance from out of Lars’ hair wasn’t entirely unexpected, either. It had been a while since Steven had stopped by, and he had made a point of coming by every so often to drop off some gifts and let Lars know how things were going back on Earth.

More unexpected than Steven visiting in the first place was that his hands were empty, that he didn’t come bearing letters or gifts to share with Lars. He was also wearing some kind of fancy pink dress rather than his usual shirt and jeans get-up, but Lars was sure that there was a story behind that, and that Steven would share that story with him sooner rather than later.

But Steven didn’t look excited to tell Lars about everything he had missed back at home. He looked... he looked scared.

“Steven, I-”

But Steven interrupted Lars, started speaking in a rushed tone before Lars could finish his thought. “Lars, I need your help!”

Padparadscha gasped and said, “Steven is going to pay us another visit!”

Lars shot Padparadscha a nod and an appreciative grin. “Thanks, Padparadscha.” A moment later, he added, “I’d love to help, Steven, but we’re still pretty far from Earth right now, so-”

Steven interrupted Lars again. That was... unusual. Whatever was on his mind, whatever had brought him to ask for Lars’ help in the first place, it must be something big if he wasn’t willing to hear out Lars before speaking up himself.

“No, no, it’s not on Earth, you- you need to come get me on Homeworld.”

“What?”

Lars’ surprised exclamation was echoed by many of his fellow crew members.

“But we came all this way to get away from Homeworld!” Rhodonite said.

“We’re... not... going... back.” Fluorite stated, her speech only interrupted by a shocked “What?” from Padparadscha.

“They’re right.” Lars said. “We can’t go back to Homeworld, not after everything we’ve done to escape it.”

“But it will be different this time, I can make it different!” Steven protested. “You can tell them- tell them Pink Diamond sent you!”

“But Pink Diamond got shattered!” one of the Rutile twins’ heads said.

“Rose Quartz destroyed her!” said Rutile’s other head.

Steven shook his head and laughed, though his laughter sounded strangely hollow. “No, that’s what I thought too, but it’s not true, Pink faked her death! The truth is... the truth is, I’m Pink Diamond.”

Steven showed no signs of noticing how every Gem on the ship turned to face him, how they all looked right at him with wide eyes, but Lars certainly noticed.

“Or, well, my mom was, really.” Steven continued. “But I guess I am too, now, because I have her gem... it’s... it’s complicated.”

“Back up a bit.” Lars said. “What’s going on? Why do you need our help?”

Steven took a deep breath before replying. “Blue and Yellow Diamond came to Earth, and I proved that I was Pink Diamond and explained about Mom to them- or, well, tried to, anyway, I’m not sure that they really got it all- and then we tried to heal one of the corrupted Gems, and it worked for a second but it didn’t stick, and the other Diamonds said maybe we needed White Diamond’s help to heal them for good, so we went to Homeworld and I saw White Diamond but I barely got to talk to her, and then I held a ball to try to get her attention but she didn’t even show up, and then I- I fused with Connie, even though I didn’t mean to, really, and then the other Crystal Gems fused too, and the Diamonds got really angry about that and Yellow poofed them all- except for Bismuth, but she’s back on Earth with Dad, and I don’t know when they’re coming or, or if they’re coming, if they can even make it to Homeworld- and then they locked us in this big tower and there’s no way out except this small window that’s up really high and I need back-up, I need someone to help us get out...”

Okay.

Lars understood maybe half of what Steven was blabbering on about there.

Probably less than half, if Lars was being entirely honest with himself.

But from what he did understand, the situation was pretty ugly.

“Let me see if I got all that.” Lars said. “So your mom was Pink Diamond, and you told Blue and Yellow that, and you all went to Homeworld to try to talk to White Diamond, but after you fused at this ball you got locked in a tower with Lion-”

Steven shook his head, and when he spoke up his voice was shaking, too. “No, Lion’s not there. Just...”

Steven was feeling pretty weak.

He didn’t know how long it had been since they had been locked in this cell, but it had to have been several days, maybe even weeks gone by now without anything changing or anyone stopping by to check on them. The handful of snacks that Connie had brought with were long gone, split between the two of them evenly until there was nothing left.

Steven was weak, but he could keep going if he tried, he knew he could. Maybe that was because he was half-Gem; he knew Gems didn’t need sustenance the same way humans did, or at least, not sustenance in the form of food and water, anyway.

Steven wondered if that was part of the other Diamonds’ plan, to weaken his human half until his Gem half was all that remained.

Steven wondered if the other Diamonds even realized that he had a human half to weaken in the first place.

Meanwhile, Connie... wasn’t doing so well.

She was laying on the floor, her head propped up against the wall; it had been some time since she had been able to walk, or even to stand under her own power. She was practically nothing but skin and bones, the muscles that she had built up with her sword-fighting practices now gone as her body struggled to keep itself going by any means possible.

“Hold on, Connie.” Steven said, not for the first time. “My dad and Bismuth are coming, I know they are. Just hang in there a little longer.”

“Steven...” Connie’s voice was quiet now, quiet and raspy. Steven sat next to her, his arm pressed up against hers. She felt cold. People weren’t supposed to feel that cold.

Connie looked up at Steven as she spoke. “Steven, it’s okay.”

Then Connie closed her eyes and sank closer to the floor, and as Steven watched her for a long moment she didn’t move, not even slightly, not even her chest rhythmically rising and falling...

“No no no no no!” Steven muttered to himself. “It is not okay!”

Hot tears streamed down his face and onto Connie... onto Connie’s body.

He hadn’t meant for it to happen, really, but...

But the magic didn’t care if he meant for it to happen or not; it did its work just the same.

But he knew, now, what was happening when Connie’s body started to glow, when her skin changed from brown to pink with hair to match.

As Connie’s eyes fluttered open once more, her gaze wide with confusion, Steven wiped away his tears and let out a shaky laugh.

“Just me and... and Connie.”

Even looking at Steven, seeing the glistening tears welling up in his eyes, it still took Lars some time to connect the dots.

When he did, though, he let out a low sigh and said, “Oh, Steven...”

Lars wasn’t sure what else to say, but Steven filled the silence quickly enough, blurting out words to fill the void.

“...and it’s all my fault, I made her come with to Homeworld, I fused with her even though I knew better, I...”

Lars was never one to play the comforter. He had never been one to face feelings head-on, whether they were his own or someone else’s. That just wasn’t how he worked.

But as Steven blubbered on about how what had happened to Connie was all his fault, Lars stepped down from the captain’s chair and sat next to Steven, letting the boy rest his head on Lars’ shoulder until his uniform was soaked through with tears.

[ajora]

Blitherings about royalty and shit wrt FFV and why I’ve been mostly okay with that and at the same time have no interest in the Diamond drama on SU

We know a few things about the Tycoon and Bal royals that make them different from the other royals in the game.

Alexander Highwind Tycoon:

Alexander is an active king. Though he had been using machines to amplify the power of the Wind Crystal, he understood that the Wind Crystal was behaving oddly and went, himself, to fix the problem. This, unfortunately, got him possessed for the rest of the first part of the game until his death.

Alexander is the rider/partner of the last surviving sky dragon/hiryuu. As the sky dragons were killed off by either the war with Walse 50 years before or the poaching afterwards, my personal interpretation is that the Highwinds weren’t originally royal blood and just kind of got accolades for their service and married into the royal family. The timeline would make sense for one of Alexander’s parents to have been an active participant in the war.

Alexander also assisted the Dawn Warriors when they chased that manifestation of all the evil in their world, ExDeath, to his world to seal. That his dragon got severely wounded when Alexander gets possessed likely isn’t an accident and is probably retaliation by ExDeath.

Also, Alexander has been shown making efforts to include his firstborn daughter into his life--there’s a couple of flashbacks of him trying to introduce Sarisa/Faris to his dragon. I’m certain that he had intended for Sarisa to take after him.

Honestly, aside from a bit of a piracy problem, we don’t really see much of Tycoon having a crime problem. We see Karnak and Walse having dungeons, but not Tycoon. 

My impression of Alexander is, basically... he’s a good man. Lenna wouldn’t have come out half so well if he wasn’t. I’m less certain about him having an effect on Faris, as she fell overboard and was lost at sea when she was 5 years old.

Lenna Charlotte Tycoon:

A Friend To All Living Beings, Dragons Especially

We know that that’s not how she started off--when she was younger, she was absolutely prepared to sacrifice her father’s dragon to save her mother. The player gets to choose whether she does or doesn’t try to go through with it, but the end result is that she learns that all life has value, not just those important to her. 

She’s polite, and kind, but also won’t hesitate to call someone out on their bullshit. (see also: the confrontation with King Walse, that slip of the tongue around Cid regarding his Crystal-amplifying machines.)

Compare her to the queen of Karnak and the king of Walse--she seems much more open to criticism to her actions than them

She is, admittedly, a bit impulsive. With some tempering, that’s not a bad thing. She would never use a dragon to slaughter an entire city ffs

I expect, especially once Sarisa disappeared, she’d have been trained in statesmanship since she was young. Japanese texts/wiki states that she is learned in the military arts; combine that with her kindness and you have a queen that knows what to do to defend her kingdom, but will make every effort to avoid bloodshed. And at the end of the game, she has Faris at her side to speak for the commons.

Lenna is the one pink princess to have never disappointed me

Faris Scherwiz/Sarisa Scherwil Tycoon:

A fun fact that gets lost in swashbuckler romances is that pirate ships tend to be loose democracies with their own constitutions. If Faris had ever taken a critical misstep in her 5-year captaincy, she’d have lost it quickly.

Her crew is loyal to her, which says good things about her leadership. 

On the other hand, she is the one with the dragon friend to pull the ship along when becalmed

A thing that makes me so pleased with Faris as a character is that while she’s assertive and brusque to the point of rudeness a lot of the time, she cares deeply about her people. Win her as a friend and she will have your back.

If she cared about taking the throne for longer than just part-time to please Lenna, and had Lenna to listen to for advice on finesse and the politics of acceptable behavior, she might actually make a good king. She lived as a pirate for a good 15 years, she knows what it’s like to be the lowest of the low. 

I will not get Gilbert and Sullivan in this, I will not--sigh

Galuf Halm Baldesion:

The sense I get is that he’s been more of a glorified general rather than the typical royal type you see on the 1st world. This is likely a side-effect of ExDeath beleaguering his world and probably decimating whole populations in his rise to power. There probably was a kingdom where Castle ExDeath is when the party gets there, it’s too good a location for there not to be.

His crown may have been inherited, but he’s also a Dawn Warrior and fought ExDeath before. He did the legwork to be worthy of it.

The closest we probably get to seeing a king who acts like one in the 2nd world is Zezae, and, well, he dies while being an action king like Alexander and Galuf.

Krile Mayer Baldesion

Krile spends a lot of her time with moogles and dragons. I really doubt she has any interest at all in being queen when Galuf dies. Hell, she’s 14 when she becomes a Light Warrior, she has more pressing things to worry about. If anyone is likely to abdicate their throne, it’s her. 

That said, she at least starts doing the work once Galuf dies. It’s just that the whole save-the-world thing comes first.

So I think, basically, the gist is that FFV does the work of presenting the royals we’re supposed to care about as people who have been worthy, either through action (Alexander, Faris, Galuf, Zezae from what little we know of him) or intent (Lenna, Krile--both princesses in line for their thrones, though Lenna seems a lot more prepared for hers than Krile is), of their titles. There’s no indication of expanding territories in Tycoon or Bal (or Surgate), and I think in part that’s due to wars predating the Light Warriors (the first war vs ExDeath was 30 years before, the Tycoon vs Walse war was 50 years before). This might have resulted in a conscious effort on the parts of Alexander and Galuf to avoid more conflict whenever possible.

I feel like I should point out, too, that the main heroboy, Butz, and his father, the Dawn Warrior of Wind, are commoners, and Kelgar was duly elected by his people to run Quelb as mayor. I’m not sure if Kelgar’s election was before or after his Dawn Warrior stint, however. 

Now that I think about it more... pirate captain is also an elected position. You’ve got Galuf (Dawn, Earth) -> Krile (LW, Earth), nobility; Dorgan (DW, Wind) -> Butz (LW, Wind), commoners; Zezae (DW, Water) -> Lenna (LW, Water), nobility; Kelgar (DW, Fire) -> Faris (LW, Fire), elected leadership.

SU, meanwhile, rolls out the facts that 

The Diamonds are planet-destroying tyrants

They are part of their oppressive system, but they also benefit from said system. That this gets lost of the Diamond stans says a lot, honestly. 

Gems are made to serve a purpose, and sometimes that purpose is as wall hangings and bridges. This is a terrible use of resources you guys. At least the components of ExDeath’s castle of flayed bodies writhing in agony weren’t originally made for just that thing.

The Diamonds have not yet made any efforts to ameliorate the harm they caused to their own people. There was an attempt, but only because they had to own up to one of their own killing herself beforehand. And honestly? There is no fixing all the planets they destroyed in their empire’s expansion, the countless organics killed off in colonization, all the gems shattered for not fitting in their places, or the Cluster and cluster experiments. There’s only going forward. IMO, it will never be enough.

SU also wants me to care that the Diamonds are... hurting, I guess, but I do not care about them at all. I’m sorry. Except for Steven, who deserved none of this, the Diamonds can all go walk into a black hole. 

I guess my frustration with SU is that it tries to be too many things at once, but in focusing on Diamonds Being Sad, it ignores/whitewashes all the actual victims.  

That said, Lenna is still my favorite pretty pink princess who has never done a thing wrong in her life.

[always-fall-for-fanfic]

~Belong to You~ (Steve and Tony #1)

*So, this involves some semi minor/major Civil War and Infinity War spoilers. So, read at your own risk. You have been warned.*

Tony was sat on the very edge of his bed, staring at the shield on the never ending stack of paperwork on his desk. No matter how hard he tried he couldn’t get the last thing he’d said to Steve out of his mind.

“That shield doesn't belong to you. You don't deserve it. My father made that shield!”

He was so stupid. So, so stupid. Who cares if his stupid father made that shield, it belonged to Captain America. It belonged to Steve Rogers. Without a doubt. And what had he done? He’d taken it away from him. Well, not exactly. Cap had surrendered the shield after Tony’s words but still he’d been the one that took it from him.

“God, I’m such an idiot.” Tony said, leaning back against his pillow, rubbing his hands over his chin stubble that needed to be trimmed. He wished that he could take it back more than anything. But Steve was being so goddamn stubborn, just like he always was. Though, Tony was just as stubborn but at least he knew when to admit it. Or did he? He was just as at fault here as Steve was. Though, Tony hadn’t broken the law- except that he had. He’d broken the law by even being with Steve and him.

Even the mere thought of him made his blood chill. He was a killer. A murderer. A dangerous, mind controlled soldier from the 1940’s and yet Steve chose Him.

Why? What did He have that Tony didn’t?

Well, he had Steve. He had Steve and Tony didn’t. And that, unlike anything else, made his blood chill, made his heart feel like it had been shattered into a bajillion pieces that just couldn’t ever be put back together. He just felt empty. Empty and alone. But that was ridiculous. He still had everything, didn’t he?

He had a job, friends, an entire business with his name attached to it, a soon-to-be young apprentice but he had no Steve.

He was a mess. God, he was a mess. A miserable, disgusting mess of a man tearing himself up over a man that he didn’t realize he’d needed around until he was gone. He’d never admit it out loud but Tony came to the sudden realization. He needed Steve Rodgers.

Steve stood next to T’Challa watching as they once more attempted to remove whatever it was in Bucky’s head that kept him from being 100% himself again. Nothing made him happier than to know that the one piece of his past he truly had left was finally in safe hands. But as he watched all he could think was how much of his more recent past he’d just lost.

He’d committed treason, basically, gone completely against every order he’d been given and torn apart the Avengers. The more he thought about it the more he tried to analyze how different things could have gone if he’d let the government make the decisions.

There was no way Bucky would be here, he’d have been captured and locked up again. He would be miserable, following orders from someone who clearly hadn’t been trained on the battlefield and having to sit back and watch them torture his best friend. But, then again he’d still have his friends. He was fairly sure he still held the trust of a few of them but he knew it was over with Tony. He’d screwed that up in ways he couldn’t even begin to imagine. Steve found himself just so blinded by the need to hold onto his past life that he’d forgotten just how important the people in his new one truly were to him.

“It does one not well to ponder on the events of the past but to rejoice in the ideas of the future.” T’Challa said, jolting Steve from his deep thoughts of the past.

“Wh-What?” Steve whispered, turning his head to look at T’Challa. The tips of his ears singed pink as he heard the way his voice sounded so small and innocent. He wasn’t innocent.

“It is not good to dwell in the past, Captain.” T’Challa repeated, this time though Steve was paying full attention and was listening fully.

“I think I’m beginning to see that.” Steve admitted, solemnly. T’Challa gave Steve a pat on the shoulder.

“You’ll find a way back to him, don’t worry, He’s,” The King of Wakanda gestured towards Bucky’s direction, “He’s safe and he’s not going anywhere for awhile. Maybe try and think of a way to talk to Stark.”

Steve opened his mouth to protest but T’Challa held up his hand.

“Believe me, Steve, something as simple as a letter can tell someone exactly how you feel. You don’t even have to send it, but Steve, trust me, it will make you feel a great deal better.” And with that T’Challa walked away, leaving Steve Rogers to stand in front of the glass that kept him from being by his best friends side. It took him a few moments for him to realize T’Challa was right. He had so much to say, so much he needed to get it off his chest and that was just what he was going to do.

Tony was sitting at his desk as he finished Steve’s letter. It was more than what he had expected. Because if he was being honest, he’d fully expected he’d never again hear from him, yet Steve, ever the charmer, had written him a letter explaining everything. God, how could Tony have been so stupid to have let him get away from him? It hadn’t said much, but it said all it needed too. If the time came when The Avengers, whom as Steve had said in the letter now belonged to Tony, really needed him, he would return. For them. For them, but not for him. Tony knew he should let that go but he couldn’t. He couldn’t even bring himself to tell anyone that he’d received anything from him.

He wanted to keep that last piece of Steve Rogers to himself.

Fast forward two years and they’d had no contact. Tony had had no reason to use the cell phone Cap had sent with his letter. Yet, if it wasn’t in his sight Tony always freaked out. Yet now, Tony had failed again. He was stranded on an alien planet with Nebula after watching his friends die in front of him. The Guardians were gone, Strange was gone, The kid, for christs sake, was gone. The only other person Tony had let his heart get a hold onto was gone, poof, just like that.

Tony didn’t care. He sat there and openly sobbed. He’d lost so much in such a short amount of time. Not at all did he care that the weird blue cyborg was standing there allowing him to have his sob fest. She as well looked rather sad.

After a while, Tony finally realized that there must’ve been someone, some avengers who’d survived. He had, but who else did? After a more than awkward conversation with Nebula the two of them had set off back to the Avengers Facility, hoping, praying there would be a way to get in contact with whoever was still alive. Tony ran inside, skidding to a halt when he realized he had the perfect way to find out who was still alive.

He ran again, this time on a mission. Once he reached his desk, Tony searched through drawer upon drawer looking for the direct clone of the phone he’d originally gotten from Steve. When he finally found it he exclaimed happily, jumping around in circles. Before realizing he probably looked like an idiot. With shaking fingers, he dialed the number.

Gone. They were just gone. Steve looked around at the few people he had left. Nat. Thor. Bruce. Rocket. That was it. Everyone else had simply vanished. Steve sat back on his heels and ran his palm over his face. They’d failed. No matter what they tried..they had officially failed.

“Steve-”

“Not now.” Steve mumbled, shrugging away Natasha’s hand on his shoulder.

“Stev-”

“I said not now Natasha-”

“Steven Rogers. Answer your phone.” Thor snapped pointing at the phone ringing from Steve’s belt. Steve was shocked. He’d been so distracted in his thoughts that he hadn’t heard the ring. With a deep breath he picked up the phone and with shaky hands he pressed it to his ear.

“Tony?” He asked, his voice so quiet he hadn’t even known if anyone heard him. However, there was a sob of relief from the other end of the line.

“Steve. Thank god. Where are you?” Tony’s voice answered. But Steve couldn’t reply. It was something he couldn’t explain. Something that came over him. His whole body felt invigorated, thrilled, livid, relieved. He felt Nat take the phone from his hand and he let her. God, it had been two years, two years, since he’d last talked to Tony Stark and he couldn’t even say two words to him. If he’d thought it before, he knew it now. He was in love with Tony Stark. In love with the man that tried to kill him multiple times, a man that got on his nerves so bad he got turned on, in love with another man.

“Cap, Stark’s on his way- Are you alright?” Nat asked. Steve just nodded and got to his feet.

“Y-yeah I’m okay.” He mumbled. Steve wouldn’t meet any of their eyes and instead he just walked away from them. He had to clear his head. He couldn’t be around people right now. He had to be alone. Had to clear his mind.

There was no way after 110 years that suddenly he could have come to a decision about himself that changed everything. Unless of course he had.

It made more and more sense to him, each and every second he thought about it. But how could that be? It might have been legal now but it still felt wrong to Steve. It felt so wrong because in truth, it felt so right.

Tony pushed his suit more than he ever had before but he didn’t give one single shit. All he wanted was to fall into the familiar arms of someone. Anyone. He hadn’t spoken to Steve for more than a second before Natasha took the phone. Tony had been too relieved to care but the more he thought about it as he flew towards Wakanda he felt almost as if still after all that time the Captain of his dreams didn’t want to face him. And really, who could blame him?

“Our left thruster is failing.” Friday reported. Tony cursed.

“Make it last, we’re almost there. It’ll last. It has too.” Tony said more to himself than Friday.

Thankfully, it did last until he reached Wakanda but it didn’t last long enough for him to have a safe landing.

“Sir, we’re goin’ down.” Friday announced.

“Yes, thank you Friday, but why are we going down-”

“Overheating, sir.”

“Shit.” Tony exclaimed as he hit the ground. He groaned and pulled the front part of his mask away from his face and he turned dry heaving into the grass.

“Tony? Oh my god, are you alright?” Steve’s voice called. Tony knew it was cheesy, but he instantly felt better. Just hearing his voice. Just knowing he was there made him happy literally everywhere. But it wasn’t until he was being crushed in Steve’s bone crushing hug that he was finally able to wheeze out an answer.

“A little crushed, but I’ll be alright.”

Steve shoved Tony away from him, now suddenly glaring, angry. Tony bit his lip and closed his eyes for a moment. He was going to finally get yelled out. Get the beating he should have got when Cap kicked his ass two years ago.

Just as Steve opened his mouth to answer Tony held up a hand.

“No. Me first.” He pleaded. Steve closed his mouth and waited. He watched as Tony reached back and pulled forth his shield from his back.

“Steve, I-I was wrong. I was wrong about so many things, goddammit I wish I could take it all back, everything. But I was very wrong about this. This...it belongs to you.” Tony offered Steve the shield. Steve stared at Tony, bewildered for a long moment. He took the shield in his hand for the first time in two years only to thrust it away seconds later, wordlessly. Tony sighed, watching as Steve tossed it aside like it meant nothing to him. He really had screwed everything up. He had.

Though, he didn’t expect what Steve said next.

“That belonged to a man who lived in the past. That man, is gone. And I’m not sure you’ll like the one that has replaced him.” Steve himself, was shocked at the words that left his mouth, but he knew deep down that he meant them.

Tony smirked.

“Try me.” He teased, tenderly, afraid to say the wrong thing. But apparently it was only the right thing because before Tony knew what was happening he was once more pulled into Steve Rogers’ arms. The arms he dreamed about every single day. The arms held him close and the lips that pressed against his own with a passion he’d only imagined he could feel.

By the time they pulled apart they were both breathless, clinging onto the other to keep themselves upright.

“I think I like the new Steve much better.” Tony smirked making Steve grin. Maybe things could start to get better. Maybe.

“I think I’m starting to.” Steve said, once more touching their lips together.

~Kaley/Always13lwwy