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dramaticviolincrescendo · 4 years ago

Note

Rewatching Shameless and i just watched 6x1 jail scene. Can I request a meta if its not too much trouble? I feel like reading a really good meta about that scene and you're one of the best we've got so.....

It’s never any trouble at all! That’s so sweet to say—thank you so much! <3 Kind of coming to terms with the idea that anyone cares about my opinion over here. You guys are too much!

This scene is actually extremely important to me because it and the response to it were what made me start writing Shameless fanfiction, specifically when I saw that my views regarding Ian’s behavior and how Mickey received it were so vastly different from what I initially read. (Insert shameless plug for “That Milkovich Reputation” here.) Now, I know you’ve told me not to do this before, but based on the controversial position in which this scene resides, I feel the need to present a couple of disclaimers for our audience at large.

I first fell in love with Shameless last March, a couple weeks before quarantine began. I didn’t know what it was prior to that and therefore was not present when Noel left the show, so I didn’t experience the disappointment of a beloved character leaving in a potentially permanent way and didn’t engage in the fandom or see how deeply upset people were by that until after I finished the series. I also don’t subscribe to the theory that there was something going on behind the scenes or any animosity between Noel and the creators, as I have not seen any relevant evidence from reliable sources to support that what happened was anything other than decisions made in pursuit of career goals on both sides. As such, my analysis of this scene has only ever taken the content and context of the story and characters into account. I have no interest in speculating on the motives of people I do not know in writing it or portraying it this way, and even if I did, this scene made perfect sense to me as it was written and performed.

I understand and appreciate that this is not a popular position to take and urge everyone to pass this post by if my position on that matter is offensive or upsetting to you. I do not mean to tell anyone what to think or believe, only to explain how I view this scene and the context in which I do so.

That said, let’s begin.

When Last Seen: Mickey

As in all things, context is important. Prior to the prison scene, the last time we saw Mickey was when Ian broke up with him and Sammi interrupted their heartfelt moment, which basically sums up her character in a nutshell. That was a rough couple of days for Mickey. He saw how devastated Ian was to hear his family talk about him as though he were just like Monica; was distressed in his own right to return for him and discover that he’d left the base with Monica; buried his frustration and sadness by sleeping around with other people, which seemed to exacerbate those emotions because those people weren’t Ian, nor had he and Ian broken up when he did it; and came running when Ian called him, only for Ian to end their relationship.

Mickey is a very sharp man—we know this. He can read people like books and manipulate or intimidate them accordingly. He knew Ian had feelings for him in s1 when he showed up on his doorstep seeking comfort rather than going to any number of other people he trusted. He was well aware that Ian loved him in s3, and that made what he felt he had no choice in doing that much more painful. He heard what Ian said and knew what he was doing in 5x12. Of that, I have never had any doubt. It wasn’t like Ian tried to hide that he didn’t want to break up but thought that that was what would be best. In fact, the way he initially framed it always made me think that one of his highest priorities was not dragging Mickey down with him, especially in the aftermath of being called “destructive” and similar to someone who “put them through hell.” That’s why Mickey’s response wasn’t to call him an asshole or get angry or beg. It was to reassure Ian that he was there for the long haul, that he loved him and wanted to take care of him no matter what that meant—and that they could make that work. All the sentiments Ian had tried to communicate before he got married, Mickey was reciprocating in his own way. Had they not needed to temporarily write Mickey out of the story and Sammi hadn’t shown up right that second, I believe that he wouldn’t have given up so easily. We do have confirmation of that being the case in the prison scene, but we’ll get to that shortly.

When Last Seen: Ian

Ian isn’t a selfish character. We know this, too. However, Ian needed to be selfish by the end of s5. What he had to come to terms with wasn’t something that anyone could fully help him with, much as Mickey desperately wanted to. To Ian, the enemy was within. It was inside him, in his brain, telling him what to do even if that destroyed himself and everything he loved. It’s terrifying. I’m not bipolar, nor do I suffer from any other diagnosed mental illnesses, but I admire and respect everyone who wakes up every morning and tackles these things. They’re heroes every single day. But by the end of s5, Ian doesn’t feel much like a hero. Instead, he feels like the villain, and he’s lost touch with who he even is anymore.

That’s not a healthy mindset to have in a relationship. Relationships require a level of give and take, and that used to be something that Ian and Mickey already struggled with. Ian gave more in s1-3 because he was able to, while Mickey had a limit on what he could openly give because of the environment in which he lived and the manner in which he was raised. In s4-5, those roles were reversed: Mickey was able to give so much more, but Ian was gradually falling apart. Neither of them are at fault for any of those situations. It is what it is, and they have a stronger relationship for it. Ian is a giver, though. He’s always been a giver. To be in a position where he doesn’t feel like he can give anything to Mickey because he doesn’t even know who he is was truly heartbreaking for him, and objectively, he needed to take a step back so that he could focus on himself. He knew it. Based on Mickey’s understanding of Ian’s reasons after watching him deny that he had a problem for so long, I think Mickey knew it too. This hurt both of them—Ian to say it and Mickey to hear it—but they’re not fools and they’re not naïve. In some ways, they know each other better than anyone.

Jimmy said that when you’re on a plane, they tell you to put on your mask before you help anyone else with theirs. Ian needed to put on his mask. His heart can’t keep beating if his lungs don’t work.

Starting Season 6: Mickey

Unsurprisingly, Mickey has settled into prison life just fine. We’ll focus on his interactions with Ian in a bit as that’s the meat of the scene, but there are major implications inherent in his discussion with Svetlana beforehand.

1. Mickey has accepted that this will be his reality for the foreseeable future. What else is he supposed to do? Besides, he’s known for a long time that the likelihood of ending up in prison was pretty high for him, as he alluded to in s2. He was a street thug. He stole from local stores, sold drugs, ran guns, operated a rub ‘n’ tug, created scam companies, and was a generally violent presence in the neighborhood for years. He was in juvie twice during the show, perhaps more beforehand. The unfortunate fact of the matter is that it would have been more surprising if Mickey didn’t get locked up at some point than that he did.

2. Ian has visited Mickey before. We won’t get too deeply into this yet, but he thanks Ian for “coming back.” The other times, he wasn’t even paid to do it. So, as far as Mickey can tell, nothing has changed. Ian is focusing on himself right now, but his love for Mickey hasn’t dulled at all. That’s an encouraging thought, and it certainly puts a smile on Mickey’s face.

3. Ever the opportunist and entrepreneur, Mickey really is doing just fine in prison. He runs a business, if you will, that appears to be quite lucrative already. This isn’t surprising either. Sadly, it’s a bad move. He’s already going to be in prison for somewhere around a decade, give or take a couple of years depending on his behavior. But his behavior isn’t good. He’s hurting people for money, and if he gets caught and brought up on more charges, not only will he serve the full fifteen years, but he could get more time added onto that.

4. Ian is aware of this arrangement. He has to be if he’s been going there with Svetlana, and they weren’t exactly hiding what they were talking about. Ian has been very consistent throughout the series: he’s not as concerned with the moral implications of Mickey’s behavior, just how it could potentially impact their ability to be together. He still cares about Mickey at the start of s6, and Mickey can see it on his face when he won’t say it out loud. (More on that shortly.) Once he’s in a better spot mentally, maybe they would have gotten back together had Mickey been on the outside. I’m of the opinion that they would have based on the context of the situation. It isn’t an option, however. This is Mickey’s reality, and he’s not doing everything he can to get out earlier. If anything, he’s tempting fate on not being released at all. (This, in hindsight, sounds rather similar to the issues they’re dealing with right now in s11.)

So, this is where Mickey stands at the start of the season: a prison hitman who is quite pleased that the man he loves has come to see him again, even if the latter is visibly not in a very healthy mental state.

Starting Season 6: Ian

Ian isn’t in most of 6x01. What we do see of him is typically sad or colored by his frustration, outside Carl’s welcome home party at the end of the episode. Even then, there’s an aura of discomfort that accompanies the family’s knowledge that things have changed. Carl came out of juvie a different person—they’re all different people after s5, and they’re not sure how to handle walking on eggshells around each other.

From the very start of the episode, we see that Ian is still struggling even though he’s had enough time to at least partially adjust to his medication, especially if he’s been on and off of it. It’s so sweet how Fiona gently wakes him up—it’s also a bit different. What happened to banging on the bunk bed and yelling for them to come down for breakfast? After behaving pretty normally with Debbie at the bathroom door, she’s almost handling him with kid gloves, and the punches keep coming when she reminds him that he (1) has to get up for work at a place he despises and (2) needs to remember to take his meds.

The kitchen scene is extremely telling of where Ian is at this point, and it partially shows why he’s somewhat standoffish by the time we reach the prison scene. Most of the family is gone or different. Fiona is repeatedly on him about meds and getting to work on time—Ian, Mister Responsible himself who was out of the house before anybody woke up to get to work on time as a kid. Lip is at college. Debbie is absorbed in her unconfirmed but likely pregnancy. Carl is in juvie, and Liam is playing with the switchblade he found under Carl’s pillow before they take him to pre-K. His entire support system is either gone or treating him like he’s broken. All he has is Fiona “going Fiona” on everyone. It’s clear that this is impacting him because he actually derails the conversation to say that they should go visit Carl the following weekend, which was the position Debbie used to be in when Fiona was in jail. Just like Lip shut her down, Debbie shuts Ian down, and he doesn’t say another word as he drinks his coffee—which he can’t finish because Fiona is once again on him about work, so he trudges out the door to another day of being a busboy with no dreams instead of a soldier who has a future.

Work isn’t much better. Svetlana wants him to go see Mickey when he’s determined to stay away. (We don’t have confirmation, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to assume that he wants to distance himself if Mickey is doing something that will potentially get him into even more trouble, especially given some of his reactions at the prison.) Sean is sending Fiona to nag him about not moving fast enough when the diner isn’t even busy. When Otis is chased down by the cops and slammed against the front window, Sean rather condescendingly tells him to, “take your rag and wipe the blood and snot off the window.” Ian—West Point-aspiring, ambitious, courageous, caring, intelligent, hardworking Ian has been reduced to wiping up someone’s snot by a boss who’s living in his house with a sister that’s treating him like he’s shattered glass and a family that is growing further and further apart these days.

That is the day Ian has had before he even arrives at the prison. Odds are that that is how most of his days have gone for quite some time, minus the blood and snot. …Maybe.

The Prison Scene

Now we come to it: what you actually asked about! It’s taken this long to get here because we can’t possibly interpret this scene effectively without incorporating all of what came before it. Mickey’s position is regrettable, but he knows that Ian still loves him and is at least handling his situation with all the grace and competence that we can expect from him. Ian is a bit of a mess who’s had a bad day and is now faced with the man he loves, who he is telling himself he can’t be with, sitting behind glass—where he’ll be for a good long while.

I’m going to divide this analysis into two sections. For a scene that many prefer to forget, to me, it’s a masterpiece of storytelling.

Physicality

The body language in this scene is remarkable—phenomenally blocked, phenomenally directed, and phenomenally portrayed.

When Mickey first appears, he’s visibly chomping at the bit to get to the visitation area. He’s peering out there while he’s still behind a locked door, and he only diverts his gaze to the guard because he’s waiting for him to unlock it. He’s cool about the whole thing—he’s very cool—but he’s obviously also here for one reason and one reason only. That reason is where his eyes go the moment he sits down at his stall and spots Ian’s coat where the latter is pacing behind Svetlana. Throughout their entire conversation, we see his eyes darting to Ian as he attempts to get the business out of the way so that he can indulge purely in the pleasure. It doesn’t matter to him that Ian is visibly tired and reluctant to be there or that he plays with Yevgeny instead of actively joining their conversation. It’s Ian, and all Mickey has to look at in here is a bunch of fellow thugs he hasn’t loved since he was too young to know what that meant. Damn right, he’s going to shamelessly watch him.

In Ian’s pacing, where we can’t see his face, I find it interesting that he keeps himself angled away from the glass. We see more of his back even though he’s moving side to side rather than away. He doesn’t want to see this. He doesn’t want to be there. In s7, he told Mickey how hard it was to see him behind glass—that wasn’t an excuse. He wasn’t falsely trying to make it sound like he was suffering at their separation just as much as Mickey was. We can see that that’s the case right here in 6x01. Ian has never had a problem sitting still through difficult moments, not even when a potential court martial that would further ruin his life was on the table. But this? He can’t sit down. He can’t face that.

The first time he turns directly towards Mickey’s location is so that Svetlana can hand Yevgeny off to him, and Mickey is visibly loving the view. His expression gets a bit softer, and he ducks his head a little so that he can catch a glimpse of Ian’s face. He follows Ian with his eyes even though Svetlana tries to get his attention. What a blast from the past, right? Ian there with his son, taking care of him while he and Svetlana figure out their business? And just like before, he offers Svetlana all of the attention and input that he deems her worth—next to nothing. Ian’s over there. Ian’s keeping the kid entertained, playing with him and rocking a bit in their seat and leaning over his little shoulder to make sure he’s doing okay—but forget that, Mickey’s eyes are examining him from red hair to beat-up shoes. He only glances back to Svetlana because he has to in order to get the information for their next paycheck. Even then, he’s still back and forth, up and down.

And Ian? He can’t keep pacing. He can’t stay turned away, but he won’t look. He occupies himself more than Yevgeny because now he’s low enough that he won’t just see an orange jumpsuit—he’ll see Mickey, and he��s had a bad enough day with his family making him feel more alone than ever without adding that pain on top of it. (This is the third time Mickey’s been locked up for something directly or indirectly related to Ian. I’m sure it’s not unreasonable to suspect that he also feels somewhat guilty about that, especially when it happened right after he broke it off.)

When Mickey asks if Ian is going to sit back there the whole time and not interact with him, Svetlana turns around and presumably says something to get his attention. Their eyes meet, and Mickey gives him a look that clearly says, “What the fuck, man?” This isn’t the behavior of a man who is heartbroken at their relationship ending or questioning Ian’s love for him. This is the behavior of a man who wants the love of his life to get his shit together enough to come say hi to him—or at least look at him—because he can’t pretend that he doesn’t want to see Mickey as much as Mickey wants to see him. It’s impossible to hide that when Ian has let Mickey see so much of his heart over the years.

Ian’s response is so fascinating because he does meet Mickey’s eyes, and he holds that connection for a moment. Then, reading what Mickey is trying to tell him, he actually turns further away again so that Mickey gets his shoulder. This sets the stage for the rest of Ian’s development from now through s9. He’s doing what Ian does: he’s compartmentalizing. He’s taking the emotions he can’t deal with right now, wrapping them in tissue paper, and neatly stacking them in a box that he’ll put up in the attic where he can pretend they don’t exist. But they do. They really do.

If they didn’t, he wouldn’t have spent their entire conversation trying so hard to focus on literally anything but Mickey, because as we saw in the Hall of Shame flashbacks and as has been obvious since their first fight-turned-fuck, once they look, the battle is lost.

Dialogue

I’m going to be real with you guys: I adore this scene. I’ve watched it more times than I can count even though I haven’t rewatched much of the season in its entirety. There was so much said with so few words, and while I was sad at the end, I was also hopeful. This was an impossible position to be put in on both sides, and I truly believe that this was the best resolution they could get at the time. And yes, it hurt. It was painful. But why was it painful?

Because they’re so visibly, obviously, irrevocably in love.

Mickey’s tone when he tells Svetlana to leave because he wants to talk to Ian isn’t as harsh as it’s been for the rest of their visit. There’s such a disconnect between his words and tone: roughly telling her to scram while actually sounding a bit younger at the idea of speaking directly with Ian. Svetlana could tell. It’s so clear, and her smirk is super knowing. In that moment, we’re seeing the woman who stood in the doorway of what was supposed to be her bedroom and watched him make eyes at this unconscious boy she didn’t really even remember. Not in the tears and realizing she was in big, big trouble if he left her, but in the understanding that his heart isn’t in the body on the other side of the glass—it’s sitting behind her. There are a lot of things I don’t like about Svetlana as a person (as a character, she’s amazing), but since they reached their agreement in s4, she’s never had a derogatory thing to say about the love those two share, and I respect that. It’s actually a bit cute how she takes her time and is almost teasing in giving him what he wants. A bit.

As I have this scene running on repeat so that I don’t miss anything in writing this, I paused to type and ended up on such a meaningful glance at Ian’s face. Svetlana just took Yevgeny from him, and he hasn’t gotten up yet. He’s staring straight at Mickey, and he looks hesitant. Scared, almost. Then he looks up at Svetlana, nods a bit, and reluctantly moves into her spot.

Is it overkill to take this one exchange at a time? Probably. Am I going to do it anyway? Hell to the yes.

1. “Thanks for coming back.”/”Yeah… Svetlana paid me.” – I know that people hate this line and think this is painful. I know that it objectively is painful. I still laugh every time. Not because Ian agreed to come if he was paid. (He’s got medication to afford and no insurance. I can’t begrudge him wanting to make a few extra bucks any way he can.) Not because of the words, but because of what accompanies them. Ian will not look at Mickey—he’s lost so many battles lately, and he can’t lose this one too. Not when he started this one himself. He’s hemming and hawing, not looking up from the countertop and then twisting around to see if Svetlana is still there or anyone else is listening. It’s so stupid, because literally no one cares, but it gives you this sensation that Ian sees himself as being under a microscope the whole time. That’s his life anymore, at home and at work and now here. And Mickey? He doesn’t look terribly broken up about Ian accepting payment in exchange for coming. He gets this expression that I interpreted as, “Seriously? You’re playing it like that?” Then it settles into disappointment that Ian won’t open up or look at him like he normally would—that the glass interferes with the magnetic pull between them. But don’t worry, children. Uncle Mickey has just the thing to fix that: himself.

2. “You look good.”/*awkward silence* – I mean…what do you say to that? I actually felt so bad for Ian there because what must he have looked like these last visits if Mickey is telling him that he looks good now? What kind of mess was he then when he’s still sort of a mess today? And he can’t even return the sentiment because how can he? Mickey is in prison. He’s in a jumpsuit looking at being here so long that he’ll probably have a few grey hairs starting to grow in when he gets out. I don’t know how to respond when people tell me I look good on an average day, so I can only imagine how that must have felt in his position. And still, he won’t do more than glance in Mickey’s direction. Well, if that didn’t work…

3. Mickey chuckles and says he got a new tattoo. Ian’s eyes immediately shoot upwards, and Mickey slouches a little so that he’s in their direct line of sight—to hold them there, because once they look, the battle is lost. And Ian does lose. For a while there, he can’t look away again. First, because Mickey is courting some pretty nasty illnesses with his improper use of needles. Seriously, Mickey, a beautiful gesture but holy crap. Second, Mickey has his name (or a very close approximation to it) tattooed forever right over his heart. Ian had asked if Mickey was going to marry him, and Mickey told him to fuck off, but everything he’s doing points in the opposite direction. He promised sickness and health; now he’s made a permanent mark on his body for everyone to see. Mickey, who wouldn’t be seen in public with him once upon a time, has plastered Ian’s name onto his body. Ian tries so hard not to let that impact him, but it’s over. He’s lost the battle already, and he falls further and further. He’s smiling when he tells Mickey it looks infected, he teases him about the misspelling (which I think says more about how much that tattoo must have hurt than any inability to spell on Mickey’s part—I’d have a typo too), and he laughs at Mickey’s irritation that he messed it up. And it’s this sweet little laugh, not cruel or hurtful or mean. The wonderful thing about humor is that it can be used to cope with difficult emotions. We’ve seen a lot of people on the show start laughing when they’re in a bad place. Ian has been trying so hard to accept his life as it is even during the shitty day he was having. He tried so hard not to let himself fall into the trap of letting his love for Mickey rule his actions in the scene so far. That’s a lot. That’s denying himself to the point where I’m sure it hurts. And so he laughs, because Mickey did this crazy, absurd thing for him and yeah, it came out wrong, but he did it. This was all Ian wanted once upon a time (minus the felony), and now he has it—but he can’t have it. So he laughs. He immediately moves to hide it, but he laughs. He smiles more and has to bend away to pretend that he’s not—and Mickey lights up like a goddamn Christmas tree. This is the moment that keeps me from seeing this scene or Ian’s actions as being cruel. They’re both hurting, and this is an awful position to be in. But Ian loves him so much, and Mickey was doing everything he could to make him show it. Not exactly how he saw that going, I’m sure, but he’ll take it.

4. “Been thinking about you.” – Knowing that he lost that one, Ian looks away again. While the end of this scene will hurt for both of them, especially Mickey, think about the pain he must be feeling in that moment simply because he’s not. He’s not hurting. For the first time that day, he feels good. This can’t last. Mickey isn’t coming home with him when time is up. This wonderful emotion that filled him up enough for him to laugh and smile after such a bad day will be gone the second he hangs up that phone. Then he’s going to go home and have Fiona breathing down his neck with nobody else for support. And Mickey will be here—behind glass. He can’t handle that, and he pulls that box out again and starts tearing off the tissue paper. He has to get rid of this feeling. He has to be the one to put it away before it kicks him to the curb. He’s stubborn, and Mickey can see him shutting down but also knows that he’s knocked enough bricks out of Ian’s walls to say something softer, something emotional and closer to the heart. Something he is willing to say where the other inmates can hear, which I don’t think is lost on Ian since he immediately looks up again. He doesn’t look away either, not even when Mickey asks if Ian thinks about him. He glances to the side and opens his mouth a bit, but nothing comes out. Mickey knows the answer.

5. “Gonna wait for me?”/”You’re here for fifteen years.” – There’s this thing Mickey does after he first says that. He chuckles, because he knows that that’s pretty unreasonable to ask and has already predicted Ian’s response. His comment about being out in eight is lighthearted, a serious matter spoken as a joke because…this isn’t juvie anymore. They’re not going to see each other in a few months. This is Mickey’s version of what Ian was just doing, only where Ian tried to withdraw and escape within himself, Mickey is making it more humorous. He’s always done that, make light of pretty serious things to avoid looking at just how messed up it is. But I didn’t get the feeling he was really asking for Ian to wait that long. Instead, I got the feeling that he was testing the waters, seeing if Ian would shut him down—which he didn’t. He offered the bullshit excuse that Mickey tried to kill a member of his family, and Mickey saw through that immediately. I think he knows that he can’t ask Ian to seriously wait and never be with anyone else for fifteen years, or even for eight. I think he knows what he’s saying is a touch absurd. He also knows that Ian’s excuse is extremely absurd, and he doesn’t buy it for a second. It gives him a little courage to do something…well, a bit absurd.

6. “Will you? Wait? Fucking lie if you have to, man. Eight years is a long time.” – I think the important part of this isn’t that Ian says he’ll wait when he doesn’t mean it, which is the popular take. For one thing, I don’t think we can ascribe that level of calculated behavior to Ian in this instance. There are a few things about this part of the scene that mean a lot to me: (1) Ian doesn’t get up and go. He doesn’t even move in that direction. He sits there with the phone after the buzzer sounds and before Mickey tells him to lie. His mouth opens and closes like he’s not sure what to say. Because what can he say? If Mickey serves the maximum, Ian will be in his mid-thirties by the time they can be together. At that point, he was either nearing eighteen or just turned. I still can’t fathom what I’ll be doing in my mid-thirties, and I’m a whole lot older than that. Ian looks just a little terrified here, and that’s because he knows he loves Mickey but has no clue what he’s supposed to do with that in the impossible circumstances they’re operating under. (2) Ian can’t even see himself moving on yet. He’s still trying to figure himself out, not think about a relationship. He has a job he hates, and his family is a different brand of chaos these days. He feels alone, yes, but not in a way that has him openly desperate for a relationship. Based on what he says to Mandy about Caleb, I think it’s pretty safe to assume that he doesn’t think he’ll ever be in a serious relationship at this point or even in a position for more than casual sex anytime in the near future. How can he say that he’ll wait when he doesn’t know where he’ll be whenever Mickey does get out? Maybe he’ll feel better. Maybe he’ll be out of his mind, roaming all over the place like Monica. Maybe he won’t just be standing on that bridge. It’s a huge question, one that has a lot of ramifications no matter what his answer is, and Ian clearly has none. He’s blindsided by that, which Mickey sees. That’s when he gets serious about those eight years, about how absurd their situation really is. That’s perhaps the first and only time in this scene where we can see that, for as successful as he is at navigating prison, his freedom means something to him. His freedom means he wouldn’t have to coax a glance out of Ian—he could kiss his dumb ass and make him stop being stubborn about how much he loves Mickey. But he can’t. He won’t be able to for a long time. And I think that is what really breaks his heart in this scene, not…

7. “Yeah. Yeah, Mick, I’ll wait.” – Did anyone else notice how Ian swallowed hard before he answered? How his voice gets hoarse when he first speaks? I paused again to type, and the video is sitting on his face staring at the counter before the second part of what he says. He looks like he might cry. He looks like his heart is breaking just as much as Mickey’s is, because he can do what he’s asking this time—reassure him with a lie. Not because he doesn’t intend to wait, but because he is buried so far under what life has piled on top of him that he can’t see the light these days, and he doesn’t see waiting or moving on. He just sees the daily struggle of being this shell of a person. Of being without Mickey even if they’re not technically together. (Admittedly, I think he knew they would be if Mickey weren’t in prison at that moment. Ian has no real self-control where he’s concerned. Lip told him as much, and he’s self-aware enough to realize it, hence his behavior in this whole scene.)

When Ian hangs up the phone, he doesn’t get up immediately. He looks at Mickey—really looks at him—and each of them watches the other’s heart shatter. I don’t see it the way a lot of people do, though. On Mickey’s side, I don’t see it as being because Ian lied. I think it’s so much bigger than that.

Ian looks at him when they can’t hear each other anymore, and if he didn’t seem ready to cry before, he looks it now. Why? Because there’s nothing he can do for Mickey besides that. Ian, ever the giver, can’t give him anything. At that point, he couldn’t even help himself. He can’t be what Mickey needs in that moment, just like he couldn’t be what Mickey needed while he was sick, and it kills him. It kills him to know that by the time Mickey does get out, he’ll be older than he can fathom being and has no idea if he’ll even be around that long. It kills him to feel like even if he is, he’ll still have nothing to offer because, in his own words, this is where he lands. And it kills him to have to walk away and leave what he loves most behind glass.

Mickey is watching this. He knows Ian, and as painful as it was to get exactly what he asked for, it’s even more painful for him to see what him being here does to Ian. Where Ian is a giver, Mickey is a fixer. He makes things better. When stuff is broken, he puts it back together. When there’s a problem, he resolves it. Ian was going to leave because he couldn’t be an unacknowledged number three in Mickey’s life anymore? He jumped to solve the problem by coming out. Ian was acting strangely and wouldn’t get out of bed for so long that Mickey realized something was wrong? He immediately went to hunt down Lip, who he knows is closer to Ian than anyone else in his family. Fiona tells him that Ian is sick and needs to be cared for? He jumps in to do it, even to the point where it did more harm than good. Sammi caused a problem that Mickey couldn’t solve? He fixed the problem of her being there at all. But here he sits, behind glass, watching Ian that whole time and knowing that he was trying to maintain some emotional distance—and, because it’s Mickey, knowing why. There’s nothing he can do about this. He can’t fix it. For the first time since s3, Mickey is absolutely helpless to fix a problem. He takes a breath as Ian walks away as though he’s about to say something, but what can he say? What can he do? Nothing. He can do nothing but hang up the phone and weather the storm.

In the end, the heartbreak in this scene isn’t about them hurting each other, from my perspective. It’s not about Ian being callous and cruel or purposely trying to hurt Mickey. They know each other too well for that. They’ve been through too much. To me, this is about two people who love each other more than anything not being able to be what the other needed when they needed them—and that’s a whole lot more painful.

#shameless meta #ian gallagher #mickey milkovich

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supersilversleuth · 3 years ago

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To Kill, To Die, or, To Live by SuperSilverSpy

Fandoms:DCU, DCU (Comics), Batman - All Media Types

Rating: Teen and Up Audiences

Category: Gen

Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Dick Grayson & Jason Todd, Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, Hurt Dick Grayson, Dick Grayson-centric, Dick Grayson Whump, Whump, Dick Grayson Needs a Hug, I have used these tags so much lately, I could probably write them in my sleep, Hurt No Comfort, maybe? - Freeform, I don’t remember writing any comfort…, Hurt, Angst, Jason Todd is a good bro, usually, sometimes?, idk - Freeform, he wants to be a good bro in this fic, Possession, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Whumptober 2021, SuperSilverSpy, SilverGrayson

Summary:

Red Hood showed up in the Batcave after helping out with a quick op one night. Everyone seemed to be looking at him with distrust and suspicion, even though he’d just helped them out. Everyone except Dick, of course, who offered him a tight smile, but whose expression was otherwise unreadable.

Kill kill kill...Dick Grayson shall die...

“What? Why the oh so serious faces?” Jason’s voice drawled.

OR Jason wakes up one morning, and there’s a voice in his head screaming for the death of one Dick Grayson

No. 4 - TRUST FALL “Do you trust me?” | taken hostage | pushed

Published: 2021-10-04 Completed:2021-10-04 Words: 3091 Chapters: 3/3

Chapter One: To Kill

It happened out of the blue one day.

Jason woke in a cold sweat, but he didn’t immediately sit up in bed. In fact, he didn’t move at all. He just stared up at his ceiling, a single thought running through his head, a single emotion coursing through his veins.

Dick Grayson must die.

Distantly, a part of him felt appalled at the notion, but most of him was running with it. Anger clouded his mind but it was unlike any he’d ever felt before. It was different, colder somehow, not like the usual searing heat of pit madness.

He heard a new voice in his head spewing insults about the Golden Boy left and right. Some felt familiar, as if taken from Jason’s own mind. Most of them were new, and he did his best to ignore the most unsavory ones.

He didn’t actually hate Dickface, did he? N—

Jason sat up, and began preparing for the day ahead of him. Put bread in the toaster, remember the meetings he has with several of his informants— Dick Grayson deserves to die— now that didn’t sound right…what was he thinking about again? Put butter on the toast when it’s done, start eating, think about that case that’s been stumping him lately— take Nightwing hostage —what was that? He does have a pretty busy nightlife… Do the morning’s dishes, brush his teeth, get dressed. He had a drug ring to bust tonight, that’s right. Some scumbags needed a little visit from the esteemed crime lord Red Hood— kill them all— what? N—

Jason went through the rest of his day in a haze. He met with some informants, gave food to some people on the streets. He got everything done quickly and efficiently, he even managed to make time to buy groceries. With every interaction, he acted just like he normally would. His movements were comfortable, voice at just the right level to suit each situation. People seemed easily swayed by him, to do as he asked. And yet...he felt detached somehow, as if watching through someone else’s eyes—someone who acted exactly like him.

He couldn’t bring himself to do anything about it though, couldn’t open his mouth and say something out of character, or just talk to himself when no one was in sight. Distantly, a part of him felt alarmed, something was just off.

Still, he made it through the day just fine. Whatever had been bothering him earlier that morning seemed to fade, and he started to feel as if nothing had changed. And nothing had, right? He didn’t remember anything different between today and yesterday…

Night came, and the Red Hood went out to save the day, or at least crash some a**hats’ day, he wasn’t picky. Everything went to plan too, which made him elated. The bats could say all they wanted about him, but no one could deny his clear skill and competency.

Everything was going well, the drug traffickers were all passed out on the ground and Jason was getting ready to call the police, when it happened.

His thumb withdrew from the call button, burner phone slipping back into his pocket. His hands went instead to his guns, and he felt his body turning, moving towards the unconscious bodies of some of the worst that he’d taken down. Kill. Kill. Kill. Chanted that new voice in his head. Kill them all, they deserve it. Just like Dick Grayson.

What? N—No, that didn’t make sense. Why was—Why was his hand still moving? What was his finger doing on the trigger? Jason didn’t understand. I don’t want to kill them, he thought. He pushed against that voice, that—that presence in his head.

It pushed back .

Jason was left scrambling internally, as he watched his own arm lift and aim. A body lay on the ground, motionless where splashes of crimson decorated the floor.

Jason felt as if he’d been booted out of his own body, like his actions weren’t his to control anymore. He felt sick, but no bile would rise in his throat. No feeling would stir in his stomach. He didn’t understand.

Two bodies, on the ground, it was like he was seeing double, than triple, then several many more. He started to lose count. At one point, he noticed there was a knife in his hand, that his face was twisted in an expression of satisfaction. His hands were covered in blood, and so were his pants. He’d have a hard time washing that out, Jason realized distantly. Death here, death there, death death everywhere, said the voice in his head. He knew he was feeling things, actual emotions. But they didn’t really seem to be there . They were foreign, unfamiliar, not his own. Jason could think of all the synonyms he knew to describe just how out of place the anger and the bloodlust and the malicious satisfaction felt. How out of place he himself felt. Kicked out of his own mind, out of control of his own body.

Even with past experiences in mind control and mind-twisting pits of torture, this still was like nothing he had ever felt before.

—

Jason didn’t know what day it was, what was happening, he just couldn’t tell. He couldn’t seem to keep track . It had been like this ever since the massacre, since he’d fought and lost the battle in his own mind.

Kill kill kill...Dick Grayson shall die...

“What? Why the oh so serious faces?” Jason’s voice drawled.

“Those drug traffickers on Monday,” began the big bat himself. Jason’s hand waved as if to wipe it all away. “Lay off it, B. I promise it wasn’t me, alright? I left before whoever murdered them all showed up.” The Replacement was frowning at him, and the Demon brat was scowling his way as well. Bruce thinned his lips, looking at him in that insufferable judgmental way he had. Jason felt himself scoffing, “I don’t owe you fools anything. ”

Please, he thought, this isn’t me. Please, I know it sounds like me but I swear it isn’t. His body went straight for his motorcycle, hopping on and driving away with the squealing of tires.

There are TWO POSSIBLE ENDINGS, the first one is Major Character Death, the second is “everybody lives”

Read the next chapter for tragedy, read the chapter after that for somewhat happy ending

Chapter Two: To Die

“Hey Jay? You alright?”

The prey has fallen into the trap...

Jason felt his head swivel in Dick’s direction, “What are you doing here, Dickface?”

“I don’t know, you just seemed to be acting a little off yesterday. I was just wondering if—”

“I’m fine.” Jason’s voice growled. “And I didn’t kill those people. So there’s nothing for you to report back to ol’ daddy bats up there on his high horse.” Dick scowled briefly, but then his expression smoothed. “I’m not here to spy on you, Jay. And I know it wasn’t you who killed those people.” His brother looked at him steadily, right in the eyes. No! Dick, you have to get away from me, he wants to kill y —

“It wasn’t you,” continued Dick, “It was whatever's controlling you.”

For a moment, Jason panicked. But whoever it was in his head let up quite a bit, and Jason suddenly felt lighter than air. It was like the first taste of water after days in the desert. Like he could finally breathe after an eternity of going without.

“Wha—” Jason stumbled, knees feeling weak. Dick rushed forward, catching him as he fell. “No...N—No, Dick, you can’t be here. ‘m a killer, that thing in my head, it—it wants to—”

“Shh, it’s okay, I’m here.” His hand carded through Jason’s hair. “We’ll figure this out, okay? We’ll figure this out.”

“It…it seems to have left me.” Jason said, voice trembling in awe as he flexed his fingers. It’d been so long…

—

Dick smiled down at his brother.

“It’s okay, Jay.” He said, “It must’ve fled when it realized I knew it was there.”

“How…how did you know, anyways?” Jason asked.

“I just…I had a feeling. You were acting off, and that look in your eye…”

“Thanks, Dick,” his little brother replied, but then his voice changed, sounding almost…fearful? “Did you hear that?”

“Hear what?” He asked, straining his ears, “I don’t—”

There was a loud roar and the sound of large, stomping feet. Dick frantically looked around, noticing as shadows creeped in from underneath the door. The air was charged with magic, power flowing throughout the room.

“It’s back,” whispered Jason, clutching Dick’s arm, “we should run.”

“Yeah,” Dick said, as if in a daze, “let’s go.”

It seemed so surreal, the supernatural monsters bursting through the door. Dick wasn’t sure what surprised him so much about it, he dealt with this kind of thing every other day. It’s just…

“Dickie,” said Jason, pulling him towards the window. “Snap out of it, they’re gaining on us.”

He shook his head, looking back—and yeah, the strange magical creatures were right behind them.

Jason jumped through the window, Dick following closely behind. They fired their grappling guns, arriving on the roof opposite in what felt like the blink of an eye.

“Hurry,” said a voice and—oh, it was Jason. It was coming out of Jason’s mouth, right? It must be Jason’s. “We should go that way.”

Dick looked his little brother in the eyes, grounding himself there, before following Jason’s lead as they ran across rooftops.

Dick felt like he was doing everything underwater, but it was…nice. Pretty great actually. He barely even noticed the burn in his legs, or how the monsters chasing them had odd-looking shadows.

Each time he looked back, all he saw was claws and teeth. Masses of fur and strange golden markings.

They paused for breath a few blocks away.

Dick wondered at Jason’s plan. It felt like there was something he should be doing…“Jay? What should we do? Where do we go?”

“That thing in my head seemed afraid of tall places…”

“The—The Wayne Enterprises building.” Dick replied almost immediately.

“Of course,” said Jason, bumping him with his shoulder, “How about a race?”

Dick grinned back at him, “Sure, why not.”

Adrenaline flooded his veins, and for a moment, he almost forgot about the monsters chasing them.

Jason nodded to him, and then they took off, running and jumping, grappling all across the city, heading for the tallest building around. Dick pressed himself to go faster, run harder, jump stronger .

He could see Jason out of the corner of his eye, also going considerably fast.

Jason wasn’t the only one Dick noticed, he also spotted several of them on Jason’s tail. The monsters seemed to move just as fast as they did. He could only hope his little brother could go fast enough to outrun them.

Dick reached the WE building first, skidding to a stop on the roof. Jason arrived soon after.

The monsters gathered a roof away, preparing to jump.

“I—I don’t understand, I thought you said they wouldn't follow us up here.” Dick looked at Jason, searching for answers in his expression.

His little brother’s features were soft, his eyes glittered with something strange and otherworldly. His voice was smooth and heavy with something familiar… “It’s okay, I have a plan, but there’s no time. Dick, do you trust me?”

“Of course I trust you, Little Wing.”

Darkness creeped up along the edges of the building, sliding onto the roof. Claws scraped against the ground, glowing gold eyes began to surround them. There was a single opening, a small bit of edge that had nothing on it.

Jason smiled, grabbing Dick’s grapple gun. And then pushed him off the roof.

Dick Grayson fell over 1,000 feet to the ground, all the while believing his brother would catch him.

Above, on the roof of Wayne Tower, Jason Todd’s eyes flashed gold.

Chapter Three: To Live

“Hey Jay? You alright?”

The prey has fallen into the trap...

Jason felt his head swivel in Dick’s direction, “What are you doing here, Dickface?”

“I don’t know, you just seemed to be acting a little off yesterday. I was just wondering if—”

“It wasn’t you,” continued Dick, “It was whatever's controlling you.”

“Wha—” Jason stumbled, knees feeling weak. Dick rushed forward, catching him as he fell. “No...N—No, Dick, you can’t be here. ‘m a killer, that thing in my head, it—it wants to—”

“Shh, it’s okay, I’m here.” His hand carded through Jason’s hair. “This thing is here to test me Jay, I didn’t have a choice. I know you didn’t either, and I am so, so sorry for that Little Wing. We’ll figure this out, okay? We’ll figure this out.”

Jason opened his mouth to reply, when suddenly the presence was back, the voice along with it. Jason could feel his consciousness collapsing back, dissociating once again. He vaguely registered as one of his hidden daggers was swiftly drawn, and pressed harshly against Dick’s neck.

“Do you trust me?” asked Jason’s voice, a smirk spread across his face.

The question was meant to be mocking, but Dick answered seriously, “Of course, I know you’re still in there, Jay. I trust you.”

—

They stood on the roof of the WE building. Whoever was controlling Jason had used his strength to give Dick a good beating, and sent a picture of the aftermath to the bats. It was only a matter of time before they showed.

“One as special as Dick Grayson, must be able to trust at least one member of his family. Jason Todd is least likely to accept this trust, which makes my job so much easier. I look forward to his death,” said Jason’s voice while they waited.

Dick, all tied up, sporting a black eye and what were likely bruised ribs—grinned like a maniac. “I recognized your presence, didn’t I? I could tell there was something off with him, you nasty little f***er. You may think you chose your victim well, but you’re making a big mistake—Jay will pull through for me, and you will be torn away as if it were nothing.”

Wow, Dick just sounded so—so confident in Jason’s ability to do whatever it was he was supposed to do. Jason wasn’t sure he’d be able to overpower this thing, let alone destroy it.

“The rest of your so-called family will arrive any minute now, will you weep at their demise?”

Dick scowled, “The rules that you are bound to state that you can’t kill any of my loved ones before me.”

“I may not be able to kill them, but I’ve been doing this awhile, and I know all the loopholes to this little game.”

Behind them, the bats touched down on the roof. Jason felt himself turn to face them. It seemed that Bruce, Tim, Damian, and Steph all showed up for the party.

“Here to save your favorite Golden child?”

“What do you want?” Demanded Bruce, stoic as ever.

They never cared about you , none of them do. Hissed the voice in his head. Nobody trusts you

Nobody trusts you , Jason thought back at it, you murderous lying b****** .

It chuckled, ah, but it is not my face I’m wearing. It’s your's.

Outloud, Jason’s voice addressed the bats, “This is the price you pay for not trusting me, for letting Dick down. You didn’t even notice there was something different about him, did you? You didn’t even notice when Jason Todd was no longer Jason Todd.”

Bruce and Dick were the only ones who didn’t look confused at the words. Dick, because he seemed to know what was going on, and Bruce, because he was, well, Bruce. Batman’s face was as stoic as ever.

Jason felt his face twist into something surely ugly and murderous-looking.

Power surged through him, coming from seemingly nowhere. But Jason could feel it at his fingertips, being pushed into him and pulled out, he had no control over its course. The air around him became charged with magic, and then the bats were engulfed in a bright, golden light.

A moment later, Jason's eyes opened to find that all four of them were frozen in various positions and turned into a shiny golden color, standing still like statues.

The look of horror on Dick’s face hurt to look at, when Jason felt himself turn back to the man.

Quickly, Dick’s expression turned to that of anger, “What did you do to them?” he seethed. “Turn them back!”

“It’s too late, Dick Grayson. Once you are dead, your family will remain this way forever.”

Jason’s arms reached out, grabbing Dick and picking him up.

His feet took him to the edge of the roof, holding Dick out over the ground far, far below.

“J—Jay, listen to me, you can fight this. I know you can. You’re still in there, I believe in you.”

“Alright, that’s enough.” Jason watched as he dropped his brother over the edge.

Time seemed to stop.

No! He thought, pushing back as hard as he could against that malicious presence in his mind. Jason pictured Dick’s face, looking at him sincerely, a bead of blood forming where Jason’s own knife grazed his throat. “I trust you ,” he’d said.

Jason followed him over the edge before he even knew what he was doing. Shooting out his grapple instinctively, cutting through the air rapidly as he fell.

This is going to hurt , he thought, as he set himself on a collision course with Dick, but I think we’ll live.

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rudemaidenswrite · 4 years ago

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Can I Join You?

Part 2

BY: @pusantheamazonian

Fandom: Stranger Things Jim Hopper X Reader

Part 1

It's been a few days since the carnival ended and your brother has left for the next town. And you have not seen nor heard from Jim either. You knew it was just a fling that would never get off the ground. He has a teenager at home. That alone will cause more chaos than trying to get back into the dating scene. So in a weird angry habit, you decided to bake cookies when you got off work.

El’s curiosity is still high about Y/N. With a plan she hides in the bathroom after school with Max guarding the door. Sitting on the floor, the radius tuned to static, faucets running and a handkerchief over her eyes. Taking deep slow breaths she's able to focus and locate Y/N.

In the black nothingness Y/N appears, standing alone in a kitchen. Walking closer El is able to tell you're making cookies and singing along to the radio.

"Y/N?" El whispers but your sudden turn towards her threw off the connection. "Damnit!"

"You okay?" Max poke her head in.

"I'm fine." Grumbling El pulls the handkerchief down.

"Did you find her?" Max asks sitting next to El.

"Yes, she even looked at me like she heard me."

"Weird. So what now?"

"Time to see her."

Opening the door you're surprised to see Jane for several reasons.

1. It's a school night.

2. You didn't tell Jim where you live.

3. This was not how you expected to officially meet her.

"Jane what are you doing here?" Confused you are staring at a determined thirteen year old.

"Visiting. May come in?"

"Okay… does your father know you're here?" Absently you move to the side and let her in.

"Do you have any cookies?"

"Yeah, why don't you sit at the table. I'll get you some. Do you want some milk?" Pointing off to the side at the table. You instantly know that this child is smarter than she leads people to believe.

"Yes please."

You watch her sit at the table and wait for you. Jane stares at everything. Placing the milk and cookies in front of her you should probably know the real reason she's here.

"Jane-"

"El." She quickly interrupts while picking up a cookie.

"What?"

"I go by El."

"Ok El.” Sitting across from her you pick up your own cookie. “Do you want to tell me the real reason you hitchhiked 18 miles after school to my place?"

You watch her nervously curl inwards before responding.

"Dad and history class."

"Why don't we start with history class." You quickly pick option two.

El nods and pulls out her book and folder.

"There's a test next week and I don't understand anything." Handing you an outline. "Dad sucks at helping me with homework."

"Growth and Expansion is basically about the major changes in the U.S. during the 1800’s. So the Industrial Revolution, the changing role of government, and development of foreign policy." Moving to a chair closer you keep the outline handy.

As you go over the information with her you lose all complete track of time. You just happen to look at the clock to see the time.

"Shit!"

"What?" Frightened El looks for the danger.

"It's almost seven. We gotta get you home." You are up and out the chair. You need a plan.

"Why?"

"Why? El it's a school night and I bet you didn't tell your dad you were going to be home late." You're trying to process the carelessness of this child. Jim is in over his head.

"I did not."

"Well do you want me to call him so he can come get you or you want me to take you home?"

"Can you take me?" El pleads with her best frowny face.

"Yes but you'll have to give me directions."

"Okay." El packs her stuff up while you make her a snack baggie for tomorrow. That's filled with cookies and a separate bag for Jim.

In the car El stares out the window bobbing along to the music.

"So what is going on with your dad that you had to see me?" Reaching you turn the music down. Time to bite the bullet.

"He likes you but thinks that I don't understand the complications of dating a single parent. He is being chicken. Mike explained it to me."

"You've definitely thought about this." Well if that’s not a child being a wingman you don't know what is. She definitely cares about his happiness.

"It would be nice to see someone regularly at home. He works late and forgets the time."

"Well you'll just have to light a fire under his ass. In my experience single parents are the slowest moving people ever. Stubborn and grumpy." Chuckles you spare a glance.

"Your experience?"

"I was raised by a single dad too. Growing up it was just dad, my two older brothers and me." Reaching into your purse and pulling out your wallet. You open it to the pictures and hand it over.

"Mom?" El slowly flips through them.

"Don't know. She left one day, decided that she didn't want a family anymore." Shrugging it’s an odd thing that has always bugged you.

"Sorry."

"Don't be dad eventually remarried and I got an awesome new mom and a little brother." You motion for her to keep flipping.

"New mom?"

"Yes."

"Mama… is not well. Dad let's me visit every couple of weeks. She lives with Aunt Becky." Frowning, she puts your wallet back in your purse.

"It's nice that you visit her. I bet it makes her happy even if she can't show it."

"I hope so." She gives you a small hopeful smile.

El has you driving to the outskirts of Hawkins. Alongside a gravel road, turning onto a hidden dirt driveway. Pulling up you see the cabin setting on the hill. You also see Jim walking frustratedly to his truck.

"He beat you home."

"Shit." She whispers seeing him too.

Honking your horn, he turns around making eye contact. As you nod to the passenger seat. There's a wave of relief for a split second before he walks closer.

"Next time you need help with homework. Just tell me, it's dangerous to be walking alone." You make sure to say loudly once you both are out of the car. Hoping to dampen the punishment.

"Jane." Jim grumbles, angrily throwing his cigarette.

"See stubborn and grumpy. Just like I said." Nodding at him you give her a wink.

El laughs. "I like her." Jim sends El a furious look, which causes her to head directly inside. "Bye Y/N."

"Bye." Waving you watch her head up the hill before walking to Jim who has started pacing. "She's a firecracker but a good one."

"Thanks for bringing her home. Where did you find her?" Huffing he runs a hand through his hair, still trying to calm down.

"I opened my door and there she was. Don't know how she figured out where I lived."

"God… thanks again."

"No problem and here." Diverting his attention you hand him the bag.

"Cookies?"

"Yeah I was making some before El showed up. It's like the smell drew her in."

"I'm surprised."

"About what?" Confused, why would he be surprised? You're a decent person of course you brought her home.

"Jane's very standoffish, won't interact unless she likes you and knows you're a good person."

"Oh! Well that's a good thing, not wanting to be involved with bad people." Nodding that's understandable.

"She likes you, be prepared to see her randomly." Shaking his head in disbelief.

"That's okay we can talk about our feelings again."

"You talked about feelings?"

You watch him visibly pause. Apparently it never occurred to him that El would want to talk about feeling to someone else.

"Yeah like how she wants you to be happy because you want her to be happy. Also about how single dads are stubborn and grumpy all the time."

"That's what that comment was about? I'm not grumpy and stubborn all the time." Scoffing he straightens up.

"I doubt it, I know the grumpy and stubborn attitude pretty well." Teasing you mender back to your car. Leaving him to his own devices.

"How?"

"Like minds think alike. I was raised by a single father." Winking you climb into the driver’s seat.

In your comfiest pajamas and ready for bed, you're finishing up with brushing your teeth when there's a banging on the front door. It's almost 10pm, you didn't plan on anyone coming out. Looking out the peephole, you're surprised to see who it is.

"Jim? What are-" Opening the door you don't know what to say.

Cutoff, Jim's mouth is on yours. Hands hold you close as he backs into the nearest wall. Your hands find their way into his hair. Pressed closely, you can taste the lingering cigarette.

"You came all this way for a smooch?" Pulling away you can't help but to smile.

"....Yes?"

"Uh huh. You know I'm not buying that, right?" It's obvious to you that he had no set plan.

"I figured you would." Shrugging he keeps a flirty smile. "What would you say if I said that I had to see you tonight."

"I would say that you're probably crazy because I look like a goblin." Saying that you realize you should probably let go of him.

"No you don't. I'm the mess. I have no idea how to raise a teenage girl and I've been a grumpy father for years."

"If you say so.” Chuckling it's becoming clear how much El acts like him. “You know the police showing up late at night to my place is going to start gossip."

"Why don't we give them something to actually talk about?" In boldness he steals another kiss.

"Well I'm no expert on firearms but I do know that's not a gun in your pocket."

"And the cheesy wisecracks." With a defeated sigh he head falls into the crook of your neck.

"Don't expect anything less. I have my own repriatore of dad jokes." Pulling on his collar to redirect his attention. "If you're looking for a hint my bedroom is the door on the left." Nodding down the short hall.

Next thing you know, you're looking at the floor and his ass. It's a short trip, inside he shuts the bedroom door with his foot as he dumps you on the bed. Scooting upwards you pull him with you. There’s no way in hell you're letting him escape without something happen.

"Fuck. Do you have any idea how crazy you make me?" Mumbling he kisses his way down your throat. Stifling a whine, you're beginning to lose all coherent thought processes. Just his presence makes you feel all tingly.

"Do you know how hard it was not to kiss you outside the restaurant?" Delighted in this turn of events. You make your own little confession. Now is not the time for soft, slow romance. This is needy, rough lovin that you both so clearly need.

#jim hopper x reader #jim hopper #stranger things #eleven #jane hopper #max #reader insert #reader #single parents #dad bod #dad hopper #putting the moves on #cookies #fluff #cuteness

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shielddrake · 5 years ago

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Psychonauts: Setup and Payoff Done Well (If Not Perfectly)

So about a year ago I posted a long lecture about how Final Fantasy XV and Kingdom Hearts 3 had major problems in the story department when it came to setup and payoff. I basically said that Final Fantasy XV had lots of scenes with payoff that were not set up very well and Kingdom Hearts 3 had some excellent moments that set up story elements but never followed through on them. And while I think some of those issues have been addressed with some of the DLC released for both games (I reserve my right to be a little salty Episodes Aranea, Luna, and Noctis were canceled) I still stand by my statement that these games have big problems with this.

During the past year, I have received a couple of comments regarding my position on this, ranging from “Can you give a good example of setup and payoff?” to “Well, if you’re so smart, why don’t you come up with a better example?” And I thought, well, what kind of game would be a good example of excellent use of setup and payoff? What game or series would I say does the job so much better than any writer has or does, video game or otherwise?

And then, the middle of a repeat playthrough I always do before a game’s sequel comes out, it came to me:

Now Psychonauts has been out since 2005, so a spoiler warning might seem a little silly here, but I think a lot of gamers have been playing it for the first time since the sequel was announced, so just in case: Major spoilers for the original Psychonauts game under the cut.

Whenever someone tries to argue whether or not video games can be considered art, one of the first games that comes to my mind is Psychonauts, and not just because of its amazing aesthetics. It has some of the best storytelling, script writing, level design, music, voice acting, and art direction I have ever seen. This game is possibly one of the best video games I have every played, despite the flaws that it does have (I’m looking at you, Meat Circus), and it is easily on my list of top ten favorite video games. Is it really any surprise that Psychonauts 2 reached its crowd-funding goal of over $3,000,000 in about a month? And yes, I admit that I am one of those backers, just to put out there any bias I know I have.

But this isn’t meant to be a review of Psychonauts.

I replayed Psychonauts a few months ago with the idea of the first game being fresh in my mind when the sequel comes out, which is supposed to be sometime this year of 2020. I was absolutely inundated with examples of effective setup and payoff as I played, so it seemed like the obvious choice to go over how this story-telling technique can be used not only well, but also to the point where it’s almost like there are far too many examples.

Honestly, I could go on and on and on about setup and payoff in Psychonauts’ story, but for our purposes here most of the focus is going to be on just three big things that are really important to the main storyline: Linda the Lungfish, bunnies and meat, and Raz’s dad.

One thing about setup and payoff is that the setup has to actually happen in a way that the audience, in this case the player, can’t miss it. There are several moments in the game that Linda is mentioned, the first time being in the opening cutscene, where Bobby teases Dogen about the monster at the bottom of the lake. You can’t miss the setup when it is thrown in your face that way.

But that’s not the only time we get references to some sort of lake monster. Before going into Basic Braining, the first official level of the game, if Raz talks to Mikhail, the adorable Russian psychic mentions a “giant, hairless bear” in the woods, asking if Raz has seen it and wanting to wrestle with it. Now, it’s not said for certain if Mikhail is talking about Linda or if he’s just referring to the telekinetic bears you meet later on, but it wouldn’t surprise me at all if it’s supposed to be the former.

The first time the player heads for the lake, Elton will run up to Raz and mention the “brain-eating fish” that supposedly lives there. Well, now we’ve got both a mention of the lake monster and the fact that it goes after brains. Hmm, sound familiar in retrospect?

Optionally, Raz can also talk to Elton about the fish being spooked by something in the lake.

Although only the first lake interaction with Elton is mandatory (whether it’s when you go to see Milla or before then), both of these moments act as reminders of the setup of the lake monster established in the opening cutscene.

And then there’s the scene in the woods between Raz and Lili on the way to Sasha Nein’s Secret Lab. Raz says that something was watching him, a shadowy being that smelled like pond scum.

I absolutely love Lili’s face in this scene, by the way.

We kind of get distracted by their interactions and Lili basically trolling Raz, but that’s part of what makes good writing. The scene is foreshadowing something without making it overly overt…not that the game is subtle every time, but the point still stands. This game does a great mix of the obvious and the subtle.

The game also has optional dialogue with Coach Oleander and Raz reporting on a UPE (Unidentified Paranormal Entity), which he suspects is aquatic in nature. And Oleander seems oddly insistent that the lake monster does not exist, that it’s just a camp fable.

Finally we get to the Brain Tumbler Experiment. Needless to say, it’s in this level that a lot of the elements come together. We come across a demon in the form of a big, shadowy figure that spits out a diving helmet. Again, does that sound familiar at all?

There is a minor mention of the lake monster in the mental vault below the spooky thorn tower (more on that near the end of this post), but other than that there’s a break in the game where the lake monster isn’t mentioned for a while. We don’t get another explicit scene about it until Raz and Lili meet Linda properly at the edge of Lake Oblongata…where Lili gets kidnapped, we go through the boss sequence under the lake, and enter Linda’s brain of Lungfishopolis. And the final payoff occurs with the Hideous Hulking Lungfish transporting us to Thorney Towers and giving Raz her real name, Linda.

Now would any of that be nearly as rewarding if we had never heard of the Hideous Hulking Lungfish of Lake Oblongata prior to her official appearance? Every single player would just have visible question marks hanging over their heads if Linda just showed up out of nowhere. Deus Ex Lungfish, anyone? But that’s not what the developers did. They spent plenty of time building up to Linda, making her reveal not only make sense but also weaving her into the story so that her reveal is more than satisfying.

There is just one thing I’ve always been curious about, a sort of chicken-and-egg scenario. Did the legend of the lake monster start because genetically-altered Linda showed up and starting attacking campers? Or did the legend already exist and Oleander used it as an excuse to write off any “sightings” of the monster? Any ideas?

Moving on from Linda, we come to the imagery of meat and bunnies.

Without knowing the full ending of the game, most players would think that it’s a bit strange I would stick meat and bunnies together in the same category. Sadly, the connection between these things is a bit on the morose side, and they are actually first introduced at the same time as well.

When I first played Psychonauts, the first time I actively thought about bunnies and meat being related somehow was during the Brain Tumbler Experiment, but that’s actually not the first time the game introduces these. Anyone else notice that Basic Braining has figments of meat cleavers, butcher knives, a pig, a duck, and a fox? I could logic that a meat cleaver and butcher knife fit with the whole army theme, but a pig, duck and fox?

Kind of odd animals would be included in all this, especially animals that are either butchered or hunted. At least that’s what I thought at first.

It is in Oleander’s mind that we first see the “meaty plant” that Lili saves from being squashed by Raz. It’s also here that we see bunnies hopping around the snowfield with the Gatling gun. This early in the game, is this important or just set dressing? I’m ashamed to admit, but I thought it was just weird set dressing when I first played, but it makes more sense as the story goes on.

Turns out it’s important all right, since the next time we see both meat and bunnies is in the Brain Tumbler Experiment. “Mr. Bun” seems like a rather random animal to have in Raz’s brain, but then again bunnies showed up in Basic Braining as well. Is there a connection somehow? Sasha tells Raz that an animal may represent a primal fear or memory.

He’s right on the latter, although a player going through the game for the first time might not know why (and I admit, on my first playthrough, I didn’t). And there’s more meat and meaty plants here. Raz doesn’t directly mention these (at least he didn’t during my most recent playthrough, to my recollection) but they are pretty obvious, to say the least.

So that’s two things connecting the Brain Tumbler Experiment and Basic Braining. Is this a normal occurrence? Maybe these things just show up in brains? Lili does mention she had been dreaming of meat plants, after all, both in Basic Braining and in the cutscene before Raz enters Milla’s mind. Maybe it’s a primal need for meat? Don’t tell the vegans I said that. The Vegan Police would be very unhappy with the final level of this game.

After the Brain Tumbler Experiment is finished, we know that the brain interference was coming from Oleander, but it’s not explained why there are meat and bunny references up until that point. There’s actually no mention of either at all in the subsequent levels until the last. Lungfishopolis, The Milkman Conspiracy, Gloria’s Theater, Waterloo World, and Black Velvetopia are devoid of all meat or bunnies, which possibly leads the player to forget about the whole thing for a while (and when I say “the player,” I really mean me).

In fact, we don’t see any sign of either until the final level of the game, Meat Circus. And, oh boy, Meat Circus.

Yeah, it should come as no surprise that I hate this level. I hated it so much that on my first playthrough of this game in 2005, I rage quit and didn’t look at Psychonauts for several days. I eventually went back to it and beat it, but let’s say I was more than a little relieved that they lowered the difficulty for it in subsequent releases.

But I digress.

We reach Meat Circus, the combined consciousness of Raz and Little Oly, and the payoff of all the meat and bunny stuff we’ve seen thus far. We have Frankenstein-esque meat bunnies, platforms made of steaks, rail grinding on bones, trapeze and trampolines of bones and skin, and of course the dark versions of both Raz’s and Oleander’s fathers, who not only are evil but also become a giant two-headed monster. When Sasha said that problems seem larger in your head than in real life, I should have known it would be taken more literally in this game.

I mean, is it really any shock that Oleander is carrying some trauma after seeing his bunny friend be decapitated by his own father? It’s never said how old Little Oly is, but considering his behavior he is clearly younger than Raz, so this happened when he was in the single digits of age. That’s really not something a little kid should see. That’s just asking for PTSD.

Anyway, back to setup and payoff, which is pretty obvious at this point. We have plenty of mentions of both bunnies and meat throughout the game, leading to the final boss that is both creepy and downright terrifying. Not only does this boss conclude Oleander’s trauma with his father being a butcher and killing his favorite bunny, but it also allows Raz to defeat his inaccurate mental image of his own father. Both of them are able to move forward from that point on. Defeating this monstrosity acts as the ultimate payoff and conclusion for both Raz and Oleander.

Speaking of Raz’s dad…

Raz’s relationship with his father at the start of the game is strained, to say the least. When Raz goes to learn Levitation from Milla, the very mention of his father showing up to take him home from the camp makes him nervous. Not the best sign here, and his other comments regarding his dad don’t make it much better.

Once Raz reaches cadet ranks ten and twenty, we get cutscenes of Raz talking with Cruller in tutorials for Pyrokinesis and Telekinesis. During Pyrokinesis, Raz first mentions that his father, Augustus, hates psychics and trained Raz in acrobatics to the point where Raz worried his dad was trying to kill him. During Telekinesis, Raz reveals his suspicions that his father is psychic as well. The memory vault we see of Raz running away from home only reinforces Raz’s perspective.

We’re led to believe that Raz’s statements are the truth, which is a logical conclusion since he’s the game’s protagonist, but the end of the game shows otherwise. At first I thought this meant Raz was simply an unreliable narrator, but that turns out to not be the whole story. While Raz is an unreliable narrator in that there are a lot of things he just doesn’t know, it’s not malicious in any way. Raz simply doesn’t know that he father really does care about him. That’s the magic of using the third-person limited point of view.

Up to this point, we’re led to believe that Augustus is a neglectful father at best, but it turns out that Augustus does love his son. He’s just apparently really bad at showing it. The very fact that he is the only one able to break into Raz’s “hard to penetrate skull” shows that there is a deeper relationship between them. And Augustus is clearly distraught that his own son sees him as a monster in his mind. Poor Augustus.

I think that a lot of the interactions between father and son in this game was cut out due to both budget and time constraints, because I feel like there is more to be said with these two than what we get in the final product. (I’m thinking we’re going to get more of that in the sequel, but that is up in the air at this time.) This doesn’t bother me too much though, since we do get effective enough setup and payoff that it doesn’t seem like it comes out of nowhere. They do finally talk to each other and express their concerns, mending their relationship…in the middle of a battle with a two-headed father monster.

Clearly these two have communication issues. The morale of this story is that it’s important to talk to one each other.

And this is certainly paid off in the end cutscene of the game. When Sasha says they want Raz to come along to rescue Truman Zanotto, Raz doesn’t just run off with them again. He turns around and gives his father puppy-dog eyes, clearly asking for permission to go this time. And Augustus not only gives it, he gives Raz his blessing and encourages him to “show them all.” Contrast this to the backstory of the game, where Augustus flat out forbids Raz from having anything to do with the Psychonauts and Raz running away in secret.

And if that’s not satisfying use of setup and payoff, I don’t know what is.

That’s not to say that all of the setup and payoff in Psychonauts is perfect. To be fair, there are times when the setup can be missed, and therefore the payoff that comes later can be confusing. The most obvious example of this is the nightmare that attacks you in The Milkman Conspiracy. When I first played the game all those years ago, my first thought was, “What in the world? What is this thing and where did it come from?”

Of course, on subsequent playthroughs, I did find the demon room in Milla’s mind, showing the same nightmares she had caged away. This is the difference between a sane mind and an insane one. Milla has all her demons under control (although notice that they have not gone away) while Boyd’s run amok because he has no way of mentally dealing with them, since his brain is a little bit busy with this, well, milkman conspiracy. The nightmares that attack in Boyd’s brain make more sense after I saw the ones in Milla’s brain. In this case, the payoff wasn’t bad since the nightmare miniboss wasn’t a bad fight, but context in the form of the setup made the payoff better.

Other times the setup can be missed? The other big one is the resolution of all the campers’ storylines. Unless the player spends time going around camp throughout the game and seeing the interactions the other campers have with each other, the little scene you have with each one once they are re-brained won’t make a lot of sense. The love triangle between J.T., Elka and Nils? J.T. and Chops having conflict about J.T. abandoning his best friend for his new girlfriend? Crystal and Clem attempting suicide to become more powerful? Chloe thinking she’s an alien? Maloof basically becoming a mob leader with Mikhail as his right-hand man? Elton and Milka’s blossoming love? …Just to name a few? Yeah, the context of all that is missed if the player doesn’t bother to talk to the other campers throughout the game, but I attribute that more to the player than the game. The developers accounted for this in the story, so it’s more the player didn’t look for the setup rather than Double Fine just not bothering to include it.

That’s just some examples of setup and payoff that I feel are probably the most important to the main storyline of Psychonauts. They are far from the only examples. Really far from it. Oh boy, could I go on about the scenarios of setup and payoff that happen in this game.

Dogen talking to the squirrels, who tell him that the short man is going to kill everyone, only for them to really be talking about Oleander?

Elton saying that Oleander’s recruiting office in Basic Braining resembles a dentist office, only to find out that one of the main antagonists, Dr. Loboto, is in fact a dentist?

Oleander having a mental vault trapped behind some mental cobwebs? Well, he has something to hide, despite him saying he doesn’t when you first play through Basic Braining. Of course, getting angry at Raz for snooping around a room with a curtain doesn’t give off the idea that Oleander has something to hide. Nope. Not suspicious at all.

Agent Crueller having all the different personalities around the camp, hinting as his unstable mental state?

The Hand of Galochio appearing in the lake as a reference to Raz’s family having a curse to die in water, and said curse just so happens to show up not only as a gameplay element but as a story element during Meat Circus?

Raz being able to read Lili’s thoughts when she doesn’t mean for him to, then for him to do it two more times near the end of the game?

How Lili’s cold stops her from sneezing out her own brain?

Sasha’s hatred of tacky lamps having to do with his past working in a tacky lamp factory? Or the shoeboxes indicating his father was a cobbler? Or the bed as the location of where his mother was horribly ill and died?

Raz needing to climb the “creepy thorn tower” in the Brain Tumbler Experiment, only to later need to climb Thorney Towers Home for the Disturbed?

The mention of the town of Shaky Claim on the giant tree stump at the camp entrance referring to the sunken town that is (somewhat) explored during the boss sequence under the lake?

Raz talking about being back in high school in Black Velvetopia despite being ten years old? Not to mention the stories the dogs tell about Lana/Lampita and Dean/Dingo?

Lastly, do I really need to mention the incredibly weird and seemingly out of place mental vault below the creepy thorn tower? A brain chicken hatches out of an egg, meets a fish in water, goes to a circus, gets placed in a teacup, and blasts people to death? Kind of a summation of Raz coming out of the egg in the Brain Tumbler Experiment, meeting Linda at Lake Oblongata, entering the Meat Circus, and getting placed in a brain tank and defeating two people? Was the mental vault a foreshadowing of the main plot of Psychonauts? I don’t know. What do you think?

*Takes a deep breath.* See what I mean when I say I could really go on and on about setup and payoff in Psychonauts? There are so many examples that it’s kind of ridiculous. It could be said that there’s too much of this kind of storytelling in the game, but I fail to see how that is a problem. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing, but when it comes to setup and payoff, Psychonauts is not it.

Credits

Screenshots courtesy of the following:

Comic Foil, https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCN-Y6XDe0oWyhgjcGunJqGw

Global Gaming, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0pjsxNSwSSA

StoryGamer, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXZ1vDFp_dw&t=139s

ThatNotSoAznKid, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ford0MGvWIc

#psychonauts #psychonauts spoilers #setup and payoff #writing in video games

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miss-lady-uhane · 4 years ago

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Off My Chest Pt.1

I don't see what's so hard about being in a relationship. You are born in to a group of relationships. Your parents, maybe siblings, aunts, uncles, or cousins?

Then immediately you're expected to create more relationships and this time it's with strangers. You're told at a you age to treat others how you want to be treated but who's to say that others will treat you the way you treat them. It's totally uncertain how a person will react to you since not everyone gets along even for the most simple of reasons.

When I was in elementary school I always had the weirdest time making friends and I think it's because no one else was going through what I was going through. At that time I was too young to connect those dots because I didn't even really know what I was going through. I always hung out with my cousin patsy when we weren't in school, mostly because my dad was working and she was also my only cousin who was my age. I think we got along well but we just had different views about things. We both grew up in a Jehovah Witness family, and by that I mean my grandparents were both heavily religious and had 13 kids where majority of them were also heavy in to the JW beliefs. The difference between us was that her dad didn't care about going to church and never let the rest of the family pressure him. My dad was always in the church as a young man but was also a troublemaker and actually was disfellowshiped which means no one in the JW congregation could talk to you because you've basically been banned and the only way to get that back is to do everything you're supposed to do in regards to being a good follower.

I don't exactly know how his obligations transferred to me but we always had to go to church until I was maybe 6-8? And I had to go alone. My older cousins would take me to bible study or come over and study the watch tower. At a young age I started to actually realize how hypocritical that was, why do I have to get dressed up and memorize the Bible when my dad just stays home every night? Boom. All at once I was a bad person even though I never did anything wrong.

As a kid I spent a lot of time with my dad who was really strict. My grandma got me a phone because he would refuse to answer her calls and that was both the best and worst gift. I could have some kind of social life and hang out with my friends but my dad would literally call me every 20 minutes and I'm not exaggerating. It got to the point where I would just turn my phone off even if I knew I would get in trouble.

The constant calling and over-protection along with my dad always being gone for work coupled with moving in to smaller and smaller housing situations started to change me inside. I started realizing that not everything was peachy-keen. My dads best friends who I would go over and hang out with their kids no longer wanted him around which meant I had less and less friends. I started to wonder why my dad was always so frantic and why these people he's known his whole life started to drift away from him. The final time we moved to Pa'anau village which was basically Kauai's section 8 housing changed everything. After a lot of drama and overhearing arguments I realized that we were poor. I was still to young to understand why that was but I wasn't really bothered by it because I still wore the same school uniform, I still saw my friends from school, I still went to the beach every day. The only thing that was different now was that my dad was unemployed because the union does massive layoffs all the time.

I was still in middle school at this time and things started to change a little, people wanted to come to my neck of the woods all the sudden and I could never think of an excuse to tell them why they couldn't. Because my dad is a hoarder? Because I live in the ghetto? Or what else? Because my dad refused to pick me up or drop me off because he was always asleep? I never questioned why my dad was the way he was. I always just thought he was sad and missed my mom. He would cry a lot and have nightmares where he would yell for her and I would go in and wake him up and he would just cry.

I learned a lot about growing up once we moved to pa'anau. I had to clean our apartment all the time or it would be a mess, I did my own laundry. I definitely got in a lot of trouble because of who I was hanging out with in the environment. Living there and going to school in the city really changed who I was as a person.

I never saw myself as a "hot girl" or let alone a "pretty island girl". When I was in chief was I remember being like wow I thought I was a tomboy before and now I don't even own a pair of short hollister jean shorts. Either way I made my own path, I had the typical "text" boyfriend that I never saw in my life. We'd look at each other after our friends would go tell them something we each sent them on a mission to relay. Never really cared for any of that because in reality I was still shooting my guy friends with airsoft guns on the weekends.

After a while I realized that I couldn't just hang out with my two guy friends (Curtis & Treydon) because they too were finding themselves in a whole new world. I started hanging out with girls.. I just always felt like I never fit in. Girls as a whole are hard to get close with because there is ALWAYS drama. I still managed to have a group of friends wether I was unsure of if they really liked me or not we all ate lunch and we all hung out every lunch and found each other in class.

In the 8th grade things started to go for a wild turn. I got in a lot of trouble since my after school friends were those in my neighborhood and most of the people who lived in Pa'anau Village have drug using parents or drug dealing parents. I ended up getting arrested for the first time when I was 11 years old. We were eating ice cream I. Old Koloa Town when one of our friends said hey that couple left their bag should we take it? I remember everyone being scared and not wanting to but before I knew it she grabbed it and everyone just started running so of course I ran. She started opening the bag once we got to a bush covered pond near by and I realized we fucked up. The bag had her cell phone, her engagement ring, wedding band, Movado watch, everything. When they caught us I didn't have anything in my possession but the only thing that linked me was a phone call to my cell phone from the stolen phone. That call was made by a friends boyfriend who thought it was funny.

I'm now an 11 year old on probation. Grounded for life, can't affiliate with those friends, not to mention that we all had a different version of what happened. After this I found out that not only those friends but also our mutual school friends also had it out for me. As some kind of joke while we were banned from seeing each other they made a fake MySpace page where they started flirting with all kinds of guys including my last friend left in the groups boyfriend.

At this point I pretty much gave up on everyone I knew. I didn't want to hang out with them and I knew that I could find better people to be with. 8th grade summer my cousin Levi who was for some reason two years older than me in the same grade invited me to hang out with his friends. They were all way older and looked at me crazy!

A 13 year old? Who brought her here. But I was a balmores and they knew my older cousins really well. This group wasn't easy to get in to but once again I found my way and stuck around.

This all leads me to what I wanna figure out. Why, do I consistently get shafted? My 9th grade year I met a boy, he was quiet and literally said nothing to me. We would pass at school and for the first time ever I was like wow who is that. Fast forward, I find out he's friends with my new older friends because he was a senior which would make sense why I never saw him before. We eventually had small interactions and then one day at a party we hooked up. Go figure. We danced and kissed and I was like holy shit I'm gonna get in so much trouble. After that he literally said nothing to me until months went by and it happened again and this time it went all the way. First of all as I'm writing this why the fuck would he be the one to choose? Fuckin guy didn't do anything. Anyway.

I'm 14 and I've lost my virginity to a senior who also lost his virginity to me. Everyone we knew found out and made fun of him for hooking up with such a young girl. Everyone was so mean to me and he never talked to me again not a single word. Later I find out he was too embarrassed, what a pussy.

Instead of being sad I got really mad and started partying more and being kind of a tease because I thought it was funny that guys would try to hook up with me and I could say no but a girl they knew for years would be trying to hook up with them and the guy wouldn't want to. My way of killing two birds with one stone, getting over a guy and pissing off girls who were being mean to me.

Eventually I had my first legit boyfriend and that was.. a first. Typical I threw away my whole world for him but it wasn't hard since we were in the same group, things continued pretty much as normal minus the fact that I always had a ride now.

A lot of things happened that would need an entire book to fill in order for me to explain my self enstated independence from my dad, moving in with a friend, moving in with my coupons, then ending up in Washington.

I spent the entire time in Washington flying back and forth to California partially to see my boyfriend and partially to stay with friends and party.

My boyfriend and I ended pretty bad. He had developed depression and became a legitimate alcoholic, was cheating on me with multiple girls who I was suspicious of, then finally he was a complete drunk monster and that was the end of that.

Once again I found my way. I stayed in Washington and completed high school where I also met a whole squad of female demons. But yet again I started dating someone I met at a party. I didn't know him at all just what I knew from parties and social media. I figured we would be good friends and have fun and it was one of those things where he just called me his girlfriend one day. This was the biggest mistake I could've ever made. This guy was abusive, mentally and physically. I've never dealt with anyone like that and found myself at my weakest point. He spat in my face, threw my belongings all over the place, cheated on me physically, cheated on me on social media, fought with me publicly and on social media. Ultimately he ended up hacking any kind of internet profile I owned and was trying to ruin my life and I had to go to his house get my stuff and tell his parents and threaten legal action. Worst person ever.

Then right before I move to college a friend of mine was really in to setting me up with someone and I told her sure but nothing official. I hung out with this guy and her a few times and started to like him just because he was a normal guy. Pretty basic, friends, family, a dog. Most of all worshipped the ground I walk on. Everything was pretty easy going he asked me to be his girlfriend and I didn't see why not so I said yes, we dated in Washington for 3 months. I moved to California and we were still together even though that wasn't the plan. While I was there the day before my first ever jiu jitsu tournament I get a call "Keanna I'm so sorry I should've never done that I feel so terrible" the voice was a girl but the number wasn't recognized. It was a friend of my boyfriend, she told me that they went to lunch and after went back to his place. I didn't care much about him hanging out with girls because he had a lot of girl friends and it just wasn't an issue. She said that she wanted to break up with her crazy boyfriend and she saw an opportunity (to cheat) and took it. They went back to his house after having a long talk about how they used to have feelings for each other. The stories after this don't really add up but what I gather is that they went up to his room to have sex or something and she started feeling guilty, because we were "friends" and told him she changed her mind to which he responded "can I touch your ass at least" and she pulled her pants down and he touched her ass. Doesn't make sense yeah? So anyway I'm not really trying to deal with this and I should've broken up with him but instead I call him and I said "what did you do?" He sounds confused so I ask again but this time louder. He panicks and says I don't know I don't know. He ended up telling me and flew down the weekend after because wanted to talk. While he was there I looked through his phone and saw some other conversations he was having and also saw that when we first were hanging out he had another option if I didn't go through. Another option who apparently was in his bed when they were making out and she got her period and bled on him she felt so inclined to apologize. After this I lost my shit and didn't trust him at all and I just wanted him to leave. He begged me to forgive him and promised nothing would ever happen again and like me, I go with it. We end up dating for a total of two years. After he said he wouldn't do anything he really didn't. I still let him do whatever he wanted if he wanted to go to Vegas with his friends or party or go to lunch with girls. I just didn't really care I guess, my friend told me "do what you want to do so I know what you'd rather do" so I kept that. Eventually I was tired of how dependent he was. I had to do everything for him aside from basic chores. I had to file papers for him (e.g work, school, gym) I felt like I was teaching him how to do things and I just got tired of it. I felt like everything was almost too good and too plain because I was carrying the relationship. I was better than him at everything. We broke up and he moved out which was a long process.

During that process I was working my first full time job, had a recently found new best friend, and was spending most of my time with someone from high school who didn't like me but we ended up liking our adult selfs. This person suggested that I start hanging out with a teammate, a guy I knew since the 6th grade, or at least knew who he was. She said she thought we would be cute together and people always made fun of us for being so close. Never in my mind did I think I would date him. I just didn't see him like that. We started hanging out and realized we have a lot more in common than we thought. Everything happened pretty fast and things were so different. For once I was open to the idea of having a "friends with benefits" because I knew this person for a while and knew he wasn't exactly the relationship type. I told him that this could work out as long as he didn't keep me in the dark and was honest with me. After 4 months of us being kind of exclusive kind of not he told me that he loved me more than anyone else and I felt the same way. We were officially official. I felt so close to him in ways I never felt with anyone else. Eventually we had our first issue. I had found out that he had been chatting with our old classmate who lived in a city near by, he was telling her all kinds of false nothings and she asked "aren't you dating Keanna?" To which he replied "ugh". I found out because we were sitting with each other that night and she messaged him, I said ew why are you talking to that girl? And he said they were talking because she lived near by. I messaged her "hey girl. Bryson told me you live in LA we should hang sometime" to which she responded something like "Keanna I'm so sorry I shouldn't have been talking to him I'm so sorry I did this to you" followed with screenshots of their conversation. I was hurt. I freaked out, he left, he came back and squeezed me tight after hours of us fighting and said he was sorry and it would never happen again. A few months go by and we're sort of living together mostly because I didn't want to hang out at his house anymore and my place was cuter. Every morning before he went to work he spent a huge amount of time in the bathroom and I was always kind of like wtf and I don't remember how I found this out but I found out that he was flirting with girls during those hours because some how one of the girls told me and sent me screenshots of their conversations. Once again I got mad and forgave him and months went by. I go away for thanksgiving break leaving him at our place/my place. I come back to beautiful flowers and more attention than I had before. He told me shortly after that break that he wasn't going to be hanging with his old friends because they were bad news and I was pretty surprised. I kind of agreed but I also think.. idk my friends are wild too. Either way things were good. One day he gets a FaceTime call and didn't want to answer it, I copied the number in to google and found a name of a girl I recognized from a while ago at my birthday. I was drunk and he let me send a Snapchat to a bunch of girls I told them "I will ruin your life" the only one who responded was this girl who said "I didn't even do anything" and I thought it was funny. I find out that while I was gone for thanksgiving he and his friend picked this girl up and her friend and brought them to my apartment and they stayed the night. They made a vlog about how they picked them up in my car and how they hung out at my place and slept so long that they missed their flight. The next morning there were videos of my boyfriend driving them back in my car. My heart stopped.

I've never felt so blind sided in my life. I hated him and I didn't want to see him again but somehow he convinced me that it was all a mistake and he already cut all these toxic people out of his life.

He suggested that we delete social media and I remember the exactly message "if you love me you'll do the same thing" and I was like wow, yeah let's do it. That was probably the most interesting time of my life. For once I didn't have social media and I had to answer to everyone as to why and tell them that I am okay and that I'm just taking time off. We ended up moving to LA to be closer to school. His friend moved in from Kauai and stayed only 6 months. Living in LA was an interesting change. We got to eat a lot and experience a different kind of the city.

Lots of little things happened while we were here, we fought a lot about social media. He would reactivate his Instagram without telling me which I felt like was kind of shady since we were doing this together and I didn't know there was that option on the table but I felt like life was better without it anyway. At one point I saw a call on his phone made from Snapchat to a random girl. I asked about it and it got no where but I became very suspicious. At this point my trust level was low as could be but I just thought that the goods were good and that bads were so stupid and avoidable. One day I just decided to look through his Venmo and the first name said "queenturtlee" I was like wtf kind of name is that so I look it up on google and see that it's connected to a Twitter account of a girl asking people to send her money. I reach out to her and ask why she's friends with my boyfriend to which she sends me screenshots of their conversations and once again I am frantic. I screenshot all of it and send it to him, we go through the apologies again. And yet again I believe that he was going to delete it. Half way through living in Palos Verdes, life at this point is a fucking rollercoaster. I haven't told anyone about anything thats happened I haven't opened up or really understand how I feel about it we just keep moving. One night after he was out with friends he was getting texts and calls from a Hawaii phone number which I thought was strange, I look it up on a google and I recognize the name. I start questioning it but I get deflected, it's nothing it's nothing. Once again we move on.

A few months go by and we're hit with an actual pandemic. We leave LA all together to go to Washington temporarily and it turned in to permanently after realizing that life in California just wasn't going to be sustainable. I graduated college virtually, we were living in my grandmas house for 3-4 months. Things were weird. We were managing to stay positive by doing all the things we possibly could to stay active and have a good summer.

Eventually we got our own place, moved all our belongings up, and got a puppy! Things were still locked down but at least we had all of our things and more importantly we had this little fluffy bear.

I've always struggled with birth control because I would get the worst symptoms so a friend told me about tracking ovulation and taking my basal body temperature in place of taking birth control. This method was risky but I felt like it was okay because she does it. One day I felt really sick and realized I didn't get my period, I took 5 pregnancy tests all faded positive negative. This led to me having to take a bunch of blood tests and ultrasounds to find out that I was exactly 3 weeks pregnant.

I wasn't ready and had no intention on having the baby but I had to wait until a fetus was visible to do anything about it. While I'm in this process I get a random message from a classmate I haven't talked to in years. They say "hey girl sorry to message you about this but I was at a family party and there were some girls talking about your boyfriend subscribing to her only fans" I immediately felt my heart drop lower than ever. The girl who was at the party messaged me, she told the girl with the only fans to message me and she did. She sent me everything and I remembered a time recently when I walked out late at night and saw him on Snapchat which is where the messages she showed me came from. So once again I confront him but this time it's different. I'm going through something that I never thought. I'm waiting weeks knowing I'm pregnant feeling nauseas, anxious, and scared. What am I supposed to do now.

After a huge fight, the solution was that he would delete it again and give me his password.

This was probably the worst it ever was. A couple nights I unlocked his phone and then got nervous and locked it again. I wanted to look but I was scared of what I would find. I couldn't sleep every night, I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't know if I could trust him anymore. Everything was so good how was I going to deal with a breakup, a puppy separation, all after moving to a new state. I thought to myself, if I don't look now I'll never know. So I do. I find messages that date back to a year. I find all the extra messages that no one sent me, I find money trails sent to females for nudes or sexual messages. Worst of all I find the girl that I saw calling him a year before when he came home late that one night. He had been talking to this girl the entire time, telling her stories about things we were doing. Worst of all is that he wrote the words "I love you".

I completely lost my shit. I woke him up in a rage showing him all the things I saw asking him how he could do this to me.

I never wanted to see him again I felt like I was going to throw up. I was crying so much I felt like the world knew.

He went to his moms house and I tried to stay out or away as much as possible without telling my family anything. At this point it hurt so much. I love him so much, everything outside of social media is a dream so why would he risk that? I felt insecure. A few days before my surgery he told me that he wanted to be there for me and that he was a changed person and realized how fucked up he was but he didn't want me to go through it alone. I didn't want to go through it alone either, I couldn't stop thinking about what I saw and all the names I read. I felt alone and like I was looking at a stranger.

He came back and we slowly tried to figure out how to be normal again. Since then we've moved on far but I think he moves much faster or at least it seems like it. He is my best friend and someone I care about differently than I've ever before. We make a great team, we support each other and know each other on a deep level. We can be our selves with each other. We know each other more than I've ever known any of my friends.

Today, we are still together. He is still my best friend. Our little fluffy bear is now a semi-huge German shepherd who is the cutest and most well behaved 9 month old ever. We've established ourselves in Washington and he actually got a really good job doing what he went to school for. In regards to loyalty things have been going well so far. It's taken me a lot to get to where I am now, I feel like I lost myself for a long time. I'm trying to work on myself lately and trying to stay focused on things that really matter. Our life is pretty much picture perfect but we're still growing up.

Our most constant argument is always social media, but now it's all over the place. It's me being crazy, it's him being careless. A constant circle of misunderstanding each other and breaking each other down emotionally. Sometimes I wish there was a way to forget everything. I wish social media was as it were before, simple. I wish communication wasn't so aggressive and that there was an easier way to mediate instead of getting a therapist. I don't know I wish there was a way to make the pain go away. To not think about what's made me who I am today.

I think it's hard being in your 20s. Everyone is at different stages of life. They have different priorities. People who you grew up with are now spread across the world and you may go years without seeing someone you consider your close friend.

One thing that's hard for me now is not knowing what's next. I feel as if I've given all of the emotional gas I have and if anything else makes my heart drop I think I'll completely give up.

I wish it was easier to get over a fear but some people including myself need extra support. Unfortunately for my boyfriend, not only does he get to deal with what we've been through but he has to deal with all that I've been through.

I always feel like no one I know actually knew what I went through growing up. Boyfriends or best friends are usually the ones who get to know you best and so far only one person who's not my family knows so much about me. Life has shown me how easy it's been for people to leave me or treat me badly. I know that I am not a perfect person but I do know that I don't deserve half the things I experienced. I blame myself for being too forgiving, I blame the church for teaching me that trait, I blame my dad for making me go and making me think life was different than it was.

At this point I have no one to blame but myself for how things have gone. All I can hope is that all that I have now stays afloat and keeps growing in the positive direction that it has. I can't control everything even though I want to.

#self care #relationships #mental health #exercise #diet #friends #making friends #switching schools

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hellyeahheroes · 5 years ago

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Orphaned: How The New 10s Have FAILED Cassandra Cain

As we approach the end of ��the New 10s”, how we came to call this decade (a term I will be using in the common usage, referring to all years with 201X number, not the proper one which ends with 2020), I took a look at one of the characters who I really feel got the short end of the stick through all of it - Cassandra Cain.

There were some good things for the character in the decade. Writers like James Tynion IV, Bryan Edward Hill actually gave her as much respect as they could in given circumstances and she even made her first-ever appearance in animation. However, looking back I cannot say that it has been actually kind time for her . The bad just outweighs the good. I have isolated five reasons why I believe that to be the case.

1. The Erasure

This room is full of New 52 Cassandra Cain stories.

As always, everything boils down to New 52, the reboot that defined the New 10s for DC Comics. A reboot that asked us to assume Cassandra no longer exists and never existed, even if this did not mesh with the supposedly intact, just compressed, Batman continuity. The only writer who seems to have ignored it was Grant Morrison, whose Batman Inc. was caught by the reboot in the middle and seems to exist in a Schrödinger's relationship with two continuities - both part of the old and new DC Universe.

What is worse is that DC editorial has been silently stonewalling writers who wanted to use the character with vague excuses of her supposedly being toxic and little explanation beyond that. Scott Snyder was denied the use of her in Batman and had to create Harper Row as a replacement. Gail Simone’s pitch for a Batgirls book featuring Cassandra, Stephanie Brown and Barbara Gordon was rejected in favor of a solo Barbara book. In which both characters have been banned from appearing. The only exception was the Future’s Ends special, which was literally Simone’s final issue. It feels that this was done due to higher-ups' desire to push Barbara as the One True Batgirl. Which manifested in some of the editorial changes made to the book, like an artist being told, behind Simone’s back, to make a new villain look like Stephanie. Or Batman flat out calling Barbara “Only Good Batgirl” despite this making no sense in a continuity where she is literally the only one to ever use the name. The fact this ended up doing more harm than good to Barbara is a topic for another list like this altogether. The crux of it is, DC did their worst to make people forget Cassandra ever exists and alienate her fans for years, hoping to get rid of them entirely. As the very existence of this article proves, their attempts were less than successful.

2. The Alienation

Once DC actually gave in and allowed Snyder to bring Cassandra back, other problems arose. The first one has come in the form of her new codename - Orphan. That name was supposed to allow her establishing her own identity instead of being defined by Bruce and Barbara. However, this argument seems dishonest when it is an identity previously used by her villainous father. The idea of Cassandra redeeming it has some merit, I admit. But this decision does send a message of her being defined solely by her abuser. It also serves to separate her from the rest of the Batfamily. Originally Cassandra has been portrayed as a member of the group and an adoptive sister to all of Bruce Wayne’s fellow sidekicks. Now it feels like her very name serves to single her out, an orphan among orphans.

This problem is not limited to the title. In general, Cassandra is now written as more isolated from the rest of the Batfamily, excluded from as many things as possible or having her role limited to nothing but a cameo. It has been 5 years and DC did as little as possible to reestablish her relationships with any people she was close with previously. In fact, with characters like Stephanie or Tim Drake, they seem to be betting on fans remembering their bonds from the previous continuity and act like they do not need to put in the work to rebuild them. Even if such measures have been taken for things like the reveal of her mother again. Her relationship with Barbara is as quickly cut as it was reestablished, without giving us anything but one or two scenes that work mostly as a reminder of what the two have lost from old continuity. She is not allowed to form new bonds with major characters either, her interactions with Jason Todd and Damian Wayne being kept to a bare minimum even more than before New 52.

What’s worse is that new connections that she does form end quickly broken and undermined. After a big buildup of her friendship with Harper that girl gets completely written out of Batman comics altogether. Her relationships with Clayface and Batwoman were shattered with the former’s death. Not only that but DC seems entirely unwilling to follow on plot threads like this. It has been over a year by now since Kate was forced to kill Basil to save Cassandra’s life and not a single interaction between the characters seems to be allowed to ever bring that up, despite the effect it should have on both of them. I’ve gotten an impression they aren’t allowed to interact at all anymore, just stand awkwardly next to each other in group shots. Even Cassandra’s currently established bond with Duke Thomas feels constantly undermined by a looming threat he will end the story broken and turned into a villain. All of this sends a message that Cassandra is not a real part of the Batfamily, more a hired muscle than a real member of the group.

Even the relationships with her villains have been taken away from her by simply erasing said villains. The same goes for many characters who once were her supporting cast, like Brenda or Onyx. Even her father had to be killed despite how many great scenes past writers could work out of confronting the two and exploring both how twisted his view of her is and what extent of the damage he has done to her. It gives an impression of outright spite, as if DC only agreed to bring her back at the cost of stripping her away from all interesting story threads.

3. The Jobbing

The less is said about Thomas Wayne vs Entire Batfamily, the better.

One of the problems with Cassandra’s portrayal is jobbing. For those who do not know, jobbing is a term in wrestling where a wrestler is made to lose a fight to put their opponent over with the audience. The bigger the reputation of a certified badass the jobber has, the more likely people are to buy the other guy as a genuine threat. A quote attributed to veteran wrestler Christian goes “If you can make the other guy look good you will always find a job, but you will have to do the job”.

Sadly, since her return, Cassandra has been reduced to a jobber. A character who is known as the best martial arts fighter in the Batfamily, if not in the DC Universe as a whole, is constantly made to lose to make someone else look good. In fact, between 2015 and 2019 the character had literally a single clean victory. By “clean” I mean a fair one on one fight. Every single one of her other victories was immediately being retconned as her opponent holding back (Dick Grayson) or undermined by her having the help of other characters (Lady Shiva, Azrael). Even the one opponent she was allowed to beat, Ismael, was a new character introduced just a few issues prior and his only show of skill to speak of was beating her in a previous fight. Meanwhile, she is constantly made to lose against opponents who have never been shown to possess skills or abilities that could make it believable, like Jason Todd, Helena Bertinelli or Karma. Thomas Wayne, a character whose use of guns was justified as compensation for his horrible hand-to-hand skills, is likely the worst example of them all. Cassandra is allowed to beat unnamed minions, be it Colony soldiers or League of Shadows ninjas. However, these do little to establish her as a force to be reckoned with she once was. After all, every single hero takes down hordes of minions constantly. Overall her status as a great fighter is at this point nothing more but an informed ability and DC has killed all credibility she once had.

There are painful and insulting implications that come along with Cassandra’s jobbing. This is because her skills as a martial artist have always been something she took great pride in and formed a lot of her self-esteem around. She finds comfort and relief from living with her disability in them. Her story is not one of a person “overcoming” their disability or have it nullified by superpowers that comic books are sadly full of. It is a story of a disabled person learning to live with their disability by finding solace in other skills she has and proving herself a true master despite said disability. By making her be beaten by everyone and their mother, DC turned that character arc into a cruel joke. Cassandra who is losing every fight is Cassandra that DC wants you to laugh at. Mock her for being delusional to think disabled people can be heroes and not just helpless victims. An ableist position very in line with a company that erased Barbara Gordon’s disability and history as Oracle, and to this day has editorial personally offended by the idea she could be anything but helpless in a wheelchair. As a result all Cassandra stories since her return just feel mean-spirited.

4. Shiva

Since Cassandra's return, the only two stories to focus on her have been about her mother, Lady Shiva. This has been a larger problem that has existed since Dan DiDio started meddling with the characters. We could see it in a classic story Destruction Daughter as well. There seems to be a desire on an editorial level to repeat and outdo the classic fan-favorite fight between them from Batgirl #25. Which is by many considered the best Cassandra story and the pinnacle of Kelley Puckett's run. But the editorial does not want to simply “top” that fight. They also want to somehow integrate it into a bigger story that ties Shiva with League of Assassins. I mean no disrespect to James Tynion or Bryan Hill or Anderson Gabrych, but none of them managed to truly make it work. The stories, while still well-written, seem to be inherently contrived. And I believe the future attempts will never truly work no matter who is writing them. The whole premise is nonsensical. Shiva that works with Ras Al’Ghul and his League is by definition out of character as the two have no aligning goals to speak of. There is nothing he can offer her and she doesn’t care for his goals. And the idea of sticking with him to fight challenging opponents is undermined by a fact she could get a good fight by simply slaughtering his entire organization. I started comparing this to Street Fighter to easily explain my issue with this. For Shiva to work with Ras makes as little sense as for Akuma to be M. Bison’s lackey. DC is constantly trying to sell to us a story that does not work and then angrily try again when it is not hailed as better than Batgirl #25. It seems that Cassandra has become a means to an end in all of it. That she exists solely to get Shiva over as a minion to a bigger villain she has no good reason to follow in the first place.

This does nothing to make Cassandra less of a jobber either, as Shiva has been stuck in the same position for the entire decade herself and at this point is no more threatening than a Teletubby. Especially if the same stories that are supposed to reestablish Shiva as a threat are the stories where she fights her daughter. It feels like the two characters are trying to each regain their credibility by beating the other one because DC did such a good job of undermining them they wouldn’t be allowed to defeat anyone else.

While I want Shiva to be an antagonistic force in Cassandra’s life and she is a great villain, the way it is done does nothing for either character. Their complex relationship and clashing philosophies don't need to be violent or even physical at all to be compelling. It effectively squanders all potential the two have, seemingly for no other reason than to put Ras Al’Ghul over.

5. No Focus

Some of you may have caught on the prevailing theme of these points. Cassandra is no longer being written as a character in her own right. She is erased or pushed in the background to not overshadow Barbara. Her relationships are not being built upon and her plotlines are being dropped in favor of focusing on other characters. She is isolated from her new family and her membership is undermined even by her own codename. She keeps losing so that villains can look strong and cannot score a victory to not make someone “more important” look weak. She keeps being dragged into fights with Shiva to push Ras Al’Ghul as a bigger deal. She is constantly on team books that are always about other people first.

This pattern speaks for itself. Despite an ever-increasing number of her fans and even writers who adore her, DC does not care about Cassandra Cain. This whole decade the company has shown the only role they see for her is someone used to push characters the editorial wants people to like instead. DC’s treatment of her betrays their arrogance, the belief the editors know better what the fans want than the fans themselves. Sadly it seems to have spilled onto other media as well. From what we know about her appearance in the upcoming Birds of Prey movie, Cassandra is the only character the creators did not care to get right, just somebody to make others look good. This is also why I am not holding my breath for her upcoming appearances in DCeased and Harley Quinn and the Birds of Prey books. At the end of the day these are still not her stories, just someone else’s books she was allowed to be in. Do not get me wrong, I hope we really get this “Cass Renaissance” the fandom is getting excited about. But outside of Shadow of the Batgirl, which will actually be a story about her, I do not trust DC to treat her as more than a glorified prop for other characters. If there is one thing I learned is that you can never expect good things from the Big 2. You can hope for the best and prepare for the worst. But they will very rarely offer you a surprise that is actually pleasant.

- Admin

#Batgirl #Orphan #Cassandra Cain #DC

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sol1056 · 6 years ago

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multipart ask on Keith

I would honestly love your thoughts on Keith’s character development, specifically him leaving for the Blades in S4. Personally I’ve always been on a fence with how they wrote Keith’s character after that. For one, he started as a lone wolf and I always thought they would subvert that along the way with more character interactions and team building episodes like in S1, but apparently S4 throws all of that away. I thought him forcibly being the leader of voltron would be a great opportunity for development but Shiro takes his place in the black lion and Keith just leaves.

It really didn't help with all the signs pointing as him as the true leader of voltron when he barely even interacted with the team personally (except for shiro) after that point. To top it all off his “maturation” was a two year time skip montage with his mom and he suddenly became level headed and ready to fly Black. So when he finally returns and become the leader of voltron it felt a bit underwhelming and hollow. To be honest I also find his interaction with the team afterwards kinda out of character [...]

I just wanted to hear from a writers perspective if Keith leaving was a good idea for his character in general. He had some really good scenes in his time with the Blades but i personally think in exchange it took way too much [away from] his development with the others. I also wonder if it's even possible [to execute well] leaving for the Blades and then becoming the leader of Voltron.

Here’s a general rule: avoid leaving any of your protagonists at a bus stop.

A few chapters is already pushing it; the equivalent of 1.5 seasons is out of the question for all but the most superlative of writers. I’ve met superlative, and believe me, no one on the VLD staff qualifies. If they did, they wouldn’t have been writing for VLD in the first place.

The start of S4 will forever baffle me. Had S3/S4 been broadcast as a complete season, I might’ve assumed there was a technical error, and would’ve tweeted at Netflix and not returned to watch until I got word this really was the midpoint episode. No warning, no foreshadowing, not even a peep out of Keith, and suddenly he’s working with the Blades.

In an ensemble cast, the point is that it’s an ensemble; you don’t forget one of your core cast at the bus stop while the story-bus trundles on. If Keith were meant as a protagonist, then sidelining him for 1.5 seasons is an even worse crime. If the intent of the story, thematically, is 'stronger together’, shoving one of them out of the picture is pretty much the antithesis.

This is not to say you can’t do it; in hindsight, I think the clone should’ve been shelved and the real Shiro returned at the end of S3/S4. But that comes with the assumption that a) the team would struggle a great deal more in his absence, b) prompting development that would create a new dynamic once Shiro returned, and c) that Shiro himself would change in some degree, from/during his absence: one that, by definition, that would need to be complete.

In other words, if you’re going to remove a protagonist, two things must happen. One, they must be removed, which Keith wasn’t. The story checks in on him irregularly, and each time, he's treading water while the story moves on. Two, the absence must become a driver: in a sense, the absence is a presence of what’s missing, and regaining the character must be paramount.

VLD put minor effort into recognizing the impact of Shiro’s absence, limited mostly to the torture-porn of watching Keith isolated in (and by) grief. It couldn’t even be bothered to do that much, when it was Keith’s turn to fall off the team. No one missed him, no one needed him. The result was a clear message there was nothing Keith brought to the team that couldn’t be done by someone else. There was no presence in his absence.

Consider the few scenes in S4-S6 with anything of Keith. His storyline did nothing to push the main story forward. In S4, the Blades are focused on tracking a new quintessence, a subplot that discovers nothing, provides no twists, and goes nowhere. In S5, despite Keith being with the Blades, the two groups have dropped communication to such degree that neither is aware of the other’s participation in the Kral Zera.

If you’re determined to leave a protagonist in another castle, for heaven’s sake, use that distance to allow them to continue to impact the main storyline. Make their absence into a working presence that can link the two groups; the complete radio silence just underlines how meaningless the story considers Keith, in the overall plot.

In that light, Kolivan’s left-field decision for Keith to extract Krolia feels like VLD was grasping at straws, trying to find something to occupy Keith. Worse, that mission contradicts S4: the quintessence is no longer blue, no longer notable for its energy levels, and no longer transported to secret bases in massive quantities by major warships. It’s back to the usual maroon, carried on small cargo ships in limited quantities, and now a dangerous substance with questionable side-effects.

In a nutshell, VLD left Keith mired in pointless actions with no bearing on the rest of the characters (hello, suicide attempt never mentioned again). Late S5, VLD realized it needed to get a move on, if Keith was to get an upgrade. So it took the easy way out: an overload of exposition flashbacks that neatly evaded any emotional beats between Keith and Krolia. VLD had no idea how to get Keith from point A to around point K, so it settled for just telling us Keith had grown up. On a space whale.

Had we been given a better reason (or any reason) for Keith joining the Blades, had we been given a hefty sub-plot for Keith that led him back to the team in an organic fashion (or at least dovetailed with the main throughline), had the story used those seasons to show us Keith learning with the Blades in a way he couldn’t or wouldn’t with the team... well, for one thing, it’d still contradict the ‘found family’ and ‘stronger together’ themes, since it’d be even more clear that Keith was stronger elsewhere.

But setting that aside, at the very least, Keith wouldn’t have returned feeling he’d gotten a personality transplant. We would’ve seen his progression, such that any given point along the way would’ve been recognizably Keith, even if the starting and ending points were almost a one-eighty. It’s called character development; most stories do it as a matter of course.

I’m left concluding that the creators genuinely don’t grasp that characters will change per their experiences. It’s a crucial element in storytelling, because characters are the core of any story. If you can’t figure out what would make a character choose A this time and B next time, you’re failing on one of the most fundamental aspects of characterization. In fact, you’re missing the entire point of a story: character choices are the plot.

I do have to take exception to ‘signs pointing to [Keith] as the true leader.’ I’ve posted before about the mentor trope, and how Shiro’s S1/S2 arc contradicts Keith as Black Paladin. I suggest you read those before coming at me with the assumption VLD did any of the work required to establish Keith's leadership as inevitable.

It’s possible to have someone strike out on their own, learn valuable lessons, and return grown-up and able to handle the situation they’d originally fled. It’d be a very different story, though, one that isn’t focused on a titular robot, but on a single protagonist’s journey. It’d also be a story that has nothing to do with ‘stronger together,’ as the movement away (to learn) and back (to reclaim) means the protagonist only became stronger when they weren’t with the rest.

Keith taking command of Black in S6 should feel like a victory in terms of his arc: where once he’d recoiled, now he steps forward. But since we never saw how or why his perspective changed about leadership, all it would’ve taken is a subtle shift in Yeun’s delivery and we could be talking instead about how Keith returned and was still in his ‘you want me to lead, this is how I lead’ pique.

Shiro’s return creates another turning point where the question would be logically raised, and it’s almost as though (once again) there’s an episode or two we didn’t get. It’d be reasonable for someone to raise the question of whether the team now swaps again. Yet no one does, and we’re supposed to expect Keith --- who waved the little ‘Shiro is Black’ banner far more and for far longer than any other character --- is now content to command Black, with no need to even broach the topic.

That’s a radically different perspective Keith shows in S7 onward, and it’s a problem created by the lack of development for Keith, in S4-S6. In the course of a single episode, we literally went from Keith being his slightly out-of-his-emotional-depth awkward self, to someone clear-eyed and commanding almost to the point of arrogance. It’s not helped when his original characterization returns for the duration of his fight with Shiro --- only to blip out again as soon as Keith returns to the team.

And forcing that abrupt shift on Keith’s part meant the rest of the story (and the characters) got shoved around into their respective places and out of shape, as well. Stories are made of characters, and characters are dominos. You knock one over, and it has a cascade effect. Changing Keith from the character we knew to someone else wearing his face could not happen in isolation, and every character around him suffered as well.

Like Shiro and Lance, Keith had major potential to be a groundbreaking character. He was introduced as the kind of independent, socially awkward, spitfire character usually pushed to the forefront in American media, yet S1/S2 gave him a solid place as Shiro’s greatest supporter. Keith had all the makings of a hero we rarely see: someone who truly believes the title of leader is beside the point, that the team is what matters.

I’m used to Gundam, which almost always strives for a resting place of five (or four) protagonists standing shoulder-to-shoulder. There might be one among their ranks who gets the central position, but the narrative is firmly consistent that should the team lose any one person, it would fall apart. There’s no need to ever tell us the team is ‘stronger together,’ we can see that lesson play out, over and over, whenever the team is divided, split up, or loses someone.

AtLA followed a similar pattern; by the end, it’s obvious the strengths each person brings to the final battle. There’s no question that every single one is crucial for victory; there’s no point where someone leaves and there’s not immediate and significant impact on the remaining characters’ successes. Sure, Sokka may not be able to bend like the rest of them, but without his brains, they’d be sunk. Katara, Toph, and Zuko might not be able to bend every element, but if any one of them isn’t there, the team is going down. Aang may command the central position, but he can’t do it all on his own.

While AtLA shone in having characters who visually broke the mold of our usual white-dominated, male-dominated American cartoons, it also broke away from the lead hero + band of intrepid (but far less capable) sidekicks. Like Gundam, it presented a group of characters who grew into a true team. The pictures might show Aang in the middle, but every one else contributes an equal amount, in their own way.

VLD had the makings in its first two seasons to go that route. But its EPs wanted dark and edgy, a perspective too cynical to embrace the optimism inherent in a team-based story. Sure, their deconstruction of VLD’s S1/S2 trope-subversions brought the story to a point where Keith was declared the definitive top guy, the true Black Paladin, head of the paladins.

Thing is, pushing Keith into that position required altering his personality beyond all recognition, destroying the team dynamic, and gutting any chance of recognizing the other characters as equally integral to team success. In effect, making Keith the de facto leader required destroying the team: and what’s the point of leadership, then?

#vld #voltron #characterization #character arcs #analysis #sol thinks about stuff

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douxreviews · 6 years ago

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The 100 - ‘The Gospel of Josephine’ Review

"This is what happens when you try making an omelet without breaking any eggs."

This was a serious home run for me.

Can I start with the philosophical conundrum first? If they had come down guns blazing could they have taken Sanctum? Bellamy and Clarke, I mean. Is this what they get for trying to make omelets without cracking eggs? Because Josie made a point of saying if they had treated people like breeding stock instead of (at least) pretending they have free will, the primes wouldn't be looking at extinction. Is the point to just stop making omelets? Because omelets are delicious and that's just not going to work for me as a life lesson.

In the quicksand, Octavia could not stop fighting even though she knew it was killing her and in the end she saved herself (maybe not her hand though?) by going under. Later, Bellamy looked absolutely overcome with terror when he was paralyzed with no hope of fighting back and Clarke reacted similarly when she got tranqued. These people are survivors because they never stop fighting. They never give up. They do what needs to be done and worry about the haunting fallout later. Not being able to fight is their actual worst fear made real; it was powerfully played. I felt the terror rolling off Bellamy. Wow, that's serious writing and acting. Wow wow wow.

More powerful acting prowess came in the form of Josephine herself. She behaves so differently from Clarke, but was believably not caught for a while. Even the way Eliza Taylor speaks as Josie feels differentiated. I didn't notice any hair twirling which I can certainly live with, but it's odd that they went so out of their way to set it up just to drop it here. Josephine seems seriously unhinged. Was she always? Or is this an adverse effect of all the body jumping? She's fun, though. I'd really like her if she weren't trying to kill all my people.

During the previously on, Madi said that no one was going to find out that she's a middle and I couldn't stop laughing. How did I miss that seriously ominous statement. Of course they're going to find out. I was strongly hoping against it though, which is a sign of really being on the edge of your seat. Like when you know the killer is in the closet but you still scream when the babysitter gets sliced and diced. But Madi isn't twenty-one. The 100 usually likes to keeps their major plot arcs to a single season but this could easily end with no resolution, Clarke still being Josie and everyone else heading into the woods to team up with Gabriel and his children.

Murphy's survivalist gene is kicking into overdrive, but here's the rub. I don't think he got this far from desperation. At least not desperation alone. He also knows how to make the smart choice. Well, he did survive grounder torture and captivation by giving up info about his friends. That was pretty desperate. And was compliant as Lexa's slave. Okay, never mind, maybe him wanting to stay in Sanctum is classic Murphy. Maybe his brush with hell is making him regress. That makes sense. He's regressing into selfish survivalist Murphy before he had people that he cared about and that care about him. I'm glad we are here together so I could talk this out. I wonder what he will do when he has to make a choice to save Bellamy. Or Emori, for that matter. I'm torn. I don't want Murphy to get himself dead, but I don't want him to turn his back on his people out of cowardice, either.

I assume we were supposed to be drawing parallels between the primes' desire for immortality and Abby's inability to let Kane die and Murphy outright admitting the appeal of never dying before Josie made her proposal to John. How weird was that, by the way? I guess there is an argument to be made that Bellarke and crew should have met their makers many moons ago. It's through brutality and sheer will to live that they have made it this far, and the primes too. Bellamy and Clarke sacrificed everyone in the mountain (among others) and the primes used the people they made from embryos (probably just scratching the surface) like lab rats killing them to save themselves. If everyone is willing to do whatever it takes to survive and everyone is equally (un)innocent, then are we still smack in the middle of the fighting pits? To the death, may the best man win? Hell, maybe all of this is just a cannibalism-induced dream that Kane is having. Just look at the flowers, Josie.

I can't come up with anything I didn't like. From Jordan going Monty 2.0 to Eliza Taylor's and Bob Morley's exemplary performances to the random team assembled in the reliquary (which is apparently the technical term for hall of bones).

4 out of 4 calla lilies, not daisies.

Bits and pieces

I try not to make every episode picture of Clarke alone. It just doesn't seem fair,, but she's getting all the good storylines. How could I not make it of her last week when she may have died? How could it not be here this week when the name of the episode references the person that body-snatched her? Life is hard for me, you guys. Very hard indeed.

Bellamy knew it wasn't Clarke before anyone else. Abby was almost there but with no sleep and a dialysis-replacing bug on the table, can we really blame her?

Last week Emori, Murphy and Abby were on the sidelines. This week it was Emori, Raven and Echo. Should we take bets on who we won't see next week?

This was the second time that Jordan's newness at secrecy and espionage and survival showed. If you aren't going to kill everyone in the mountain, you have to play it cool, bro. Someone stitch that on a pillow, please?

OMG, was Jasper's last name Jordan?? I'm the worst.

Priya said that Delilah is happy and wanted Jordan to know that. I think this is supposed to give us hope that there is a possible future for Delilah and more importantly, Clarke. But doesn't it just sound like a lie? If the host is alive and essentially paralyzed behind the glass, how could she possibly be happy? That seems, at best, insanely infuriating.

I did not like seeing Brooke tortured. I'd like to not have to see it again. Thank you so much.

Josie: "Did this Ferrari I'm wearing consent to giving up her body?"

Jordan: "I'm serious. Something happened in that reliquary. It's like she doesn't even know me." Bellamy: "Just play it cool. She'll come around." Murphy: "Yeah, that and maybe, like, don't get flowers for a one night stand." This whole interaction made me smile.

Jordan: "I know you think you need to protect us all because you couldn't save Octavia, but I can take care of myself." Silly Jordan. Didn't your parents teach you that it's dumb to go against Bellamy and Clarke?

Xavier: "The harder you fight, the faster you die."

Josephine: "I'm telling you, this ends badly. Either they figure it out, kill me and burn Sanctum to the ground. Or we kill them so they can't burn Sanctum to the ground." I can't say that any of this is groundbreaking stuff. We've been on this merry-go-round many, many times with this series. I'm just enjoying it so much.

Josephine: "Penny for your thoughts?" Murphy: "What's a penny?"

Josephine: "Fill in the blanks, John." Murphy: "That's the second time you've called me... You're not Clarke." Josephine: "I'm gonna be honest with you, Clarke is dead."

I really hope Clarke isn't dead forever. I don't like that.

Laure Mack

#The 100 #Clarke Griffin #Octavia Blake #Bellamy Blake #Raven Reyes #John Murphy #The 100 Reviews #Doux Reviews #TV Reviews

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gay4eraser · 6 years ago

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Okay okay for Konnyboy, 1-10, 12, 13, 18, 21, 26, 30, 31, 36, 42, 45, aaaaand uhhh 49

babe p l s lol

A LOT about fighty boi (in bnha universe) under readmore!

1. What’s their full name? Why was that chosen? Does it mean anything?

Konstantin Ezekial Blovasky! He was named primarily because his father was a Russian immigrant and his mom wanted to embrace his father’s culture along with hers. There’s not much sentimental thought put into Kon’s name, and tbh I can’t actually remember much about my thought process behind naming him

2. Do they have any titles? How did they get them?

Uhhhhhhhh h h hh h hhh hh h h He technically should have a few military ranks and he was honorably discharged, but see, the thing is I have enough military knowledge to fake it to someone who knows nothing about the military. Idk enough to actually say what ranks or whatever he has.

He was, however, a Warden... though if you call him that you’d better be prepared to run

3. Did they have a good childhood? What are fond memories they have of it? What’s a bad memory?

Kon had a terrible childhood, partially because he grew up believing he was quirkless. He also grew up the son of an immigrant and a rather helpless, chubby child - Kon as a kid was always getting into fights and learned very quickly how to fight back.

His mom is absolutely the majority of his fondest memories - Mama B taught him how to use a gun, how to treat a lady, she raised a proper gentleman through and through and she was a redneck badass alllllllll the way.

4. What is their relationship with their parents? What’s a good and bad memory with them? Did they know both parents?

Kon never knew his dad Stephen, because his father’s citizenship in the US was dependent on him completing several tours in the United States military. This is actually a pretty normal way to get a US citizenship and Kon’s father was pretty glad to do it. He met Theresa and they got married right before he left - technically he could’ve gotten citizenship through the marriage, but the marriage itself was last minute.

Unfortunately Stephen was killed in a training accident when Kon was a baby and it lead to Kon’s extreme dislike of people mishandling or joking around with guns. One of Kon’s worse memories is his mother crying as she sobbed out how his father died when she considered him old enough.

One of Kon’s BEST memories is his mother watching proudly as he left on his first tour. His absolute worst memory is coming home to nobody.

5. Do they have any siblings? What’s their names? What is their relationship with them? Has their relationship changed since they were kids to adults?

Nope! Kon’s a single child, Theresa was too heartbroken to have another husband.

6. What were they like at school? Did they enjoy it? Did they finish? What level of higher education did they reach? What subjects did they enjoy? Which did they hate?

Kon didn’t enjoy school because despite his straight to the point nature he’s really not a school type person. He got rather middling grades that bordered on nearly failing when he had some particularly rough years. He was a very angsty, angry teen. He ended up leaving high school and heading into the military right away once he graduated.

Though he usually enjoyed history and government classes, rules and systems work great for him. He HATED any classes that had philosophy in them because high school teachers are never looking for proper philosophical answers they’re looking for a Specific Answer lol

7. Did they have lots of friends as a child? Did they keep any of their childhood friends into adulthood?

Kon had a few people he hung out with - and like, two girlfriends - but no, not anyone he kept contact with. Nobody was particularly surprised when he left and never came back.

8. Did they have pets as a child? Do they have pets as an adult? Do they like animals?

Kon had a pet goldfish as a child and then his mom proceeded to get him a brand new one every time it died. This led Kon to believe he had one goldfish most of his childhood when in fact, neither of them were good at taking care of aquatic animals. The goldfish was named Mike and Kon didn’t learn the Truth until he graduated high school and was rather Horrified

9. Do animals like them? Do they get on well with animals?

He likes them well enough. They’re a responsibility and he doesn’t see much reason to have them. He’s perfectly content to interact with other people’s animals and never have his own. Most animals are ambivalent towards him.

10. Do they like children? Do children like them? Do they have or want any children? What would they be like as a parent? Or as a godparent/babysitter/ect?

Kon is both a GREAT and a TERRIBLE influence on children. He won’t lie, he doesn’t blunt the hard truth, and he cusses like a motherfucking sailor. This means that when babysitting, kids LOVE him, but their parents certainly do not. He’s the PERFECT caretaker for traumatized, cynical children whomst hate society

He ends up adopting the two lovely genderless duo Andi and Rosey and Kon is officially a Dad. He’s so weak. He didn’t expect to be overcome with so much emotion. The kids fall asleep on him one night and he carries them to bed and he actually stops and cries because. Oh my god. He has children. They’re so precious.

12. What is their favourite food?

He doesn’t much care about food but he likes corn nuts. Unfortunately he can’t really eat them after the Desert Incident because his jaw is weak on the left side and corn nuts are HARD AF. He’ll still suck on the barbecue ones.

13. What is their least favourite food?

Again, he’s not really into food stuff. He can’t stand anything Hot after the Uncident though and he hates liquids because they tend to spil out of his mouth easily.

18. What’s their favourite genre of: books, music, tv shows, films, video games and anything else

Kon loves mystery novels, watching and bitching good naturedly about shitty reality TV/soap operas/B-Movies, and every time he calls the plot like ten minutes in. The kids are so mad.

21. Do they have a temper? Are they patient? What are they like when they do lose their temper?

Kon is odd, certain things will trigger his temper very easily, and he’s VERY easily irritable, but in certain situations he can be surprisingly patient, like with kids. He gets very pissy very fast with grown ass adults who should know better. Kon cusses a lot as a general rule but he can get downright vicious with the cursing and insults when somebody pisses him off. And while he doesn’t resort to violence without due reason, he really, really is not above whooping someone’s ass just because they pissed him off.

26. How do they act when they’re happy? Do they sing? Dance? Hum? Or do they hide their emotions?

Kon is usually oddly quiet when he’s happy. Sometimes he may smile idly or just sit and stare off, chilling. If he’s around people he doesn’t like he ups the cheerful factor just to fuck with them, because he’s a known Grouchy Asshole. But in private he’ll possibly hum and rumble, talking to himself. He has a very nice gravelly/raspy voice. He also may seek out casual physical affection when relaxed and happy. Just holding hands or a hand on someone’s arms or bumping shoulders.

30. Do they exercise? Regularly? Or only when forced? What do they act like pre-work out and post-work out?

Kon is probably letting himself go at “this” current point and he doesn’t work out as often as he should. When he gets really, really angry he goes to a gym and beats up people/punching bags until he’s black and blue. But otherwise he’s mostly just older muscle hidden under some chub.

After all, exercising means you get sweaty and very, very hot.

31. Do they drink? What are they like drunk? What are they like hungover? How do they act when other people are drunk or hungover? Kind or teasing?

Kon never drinks. If he does get drunk, he’s a giggly dissociate drunk who stares off into the distance and chuckles ominously.

36. What are they good at? What hobbies do they like? Can they sing?

Kon’s good at managing and following orders. He’s also good at breaking orders when he needs to. He... doesn’t really have hobbies? Having a pseudo-personality take over your entire mental state and leaving you with several years of blurry, blank memories kind of fucks up your concept of self. He’s honestly trying to figure out what he even likes at this point. Reading and being a Dad seems to be a good thing that he likes.

He in fact can sing, but not very traditionally well. He’s a bit tone deaf as well but his voice is really nice to listen to regardless. He’s pretty deep!

42. What are their goals? What would they sacrifice anything for? What is their secret ambition?

See, Kon has no idea at this point.

After the Incident and the People, he barely even knows his own mind anymore. He’s trying to rediscover himself and what he even cares about. His whole life is going through a crisis.

However, he does seem to enjoy the kids, and he damn well will drop everything and anything to take care of them and protect them. He’s quickly learning that caring about himself might be hard but he damn well can care about others.

45. How do other people see them? Is it similar to how they see themselves?

People who don’t know him personally see him as a rough, grouchy, constantly scowling asshole. And... he is.

But people who know him better know that he’s just a rather private person who’s been through a lot and they can tell when he’s in good moods or not. He sees himself as an honest, serious man who isn’t very social or very good at the social game. He’s very well aware of the type of person he puts himself out to be though. It helps keep people away generally.

49. What is their most valued object? Are they sentimental? Is there something they have to take everywhere with them?

Kon used to have a picture of him and his mom that he used to carry around with him. Somewhere around a certain timeframe, he lost it... he feels really shitty about it. Otherwise he’s not too sentimental.

#ask #konstantin blovasky #bnha oc #bnha #ask meme #bloopsalot

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vulpinmusings · 6 years ago

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Ski’tar and Friends part 2: Battle in the Drift

The adventures of Ski’tar, aspiring Ysoki explosives expert, continues.

You can read part one here

When I was a young Ysoki, I never gave much thought to aligning myself with any organization, let alone one as prestigious as the Starfinder Society. I had always figured that my personal quest for the perfect boom would make me seem unappealing as a candidate, and that if I were to take up a freelancing job for them they’d mostly leave me hanging out to dry whenever I wasn’t actively working for them. Venture Captain Arvin proved to be more generous patron than expected.

The ship that would take me, Vemir, and 6 out to the Drift in search of the Eoxian ship that held the location of the Unbounded Wayfarer, the lost Starfinder craft we were trying to find, wouldn’t be ready to go until the next day, so the Captain offered us all quarters in the Lorespire and, with only a little prompting from little old me, advanced us a small fraction of the promised payment for the job. As I said, Creds and UPBs will come and go as they’re needed. The advance didn’t come out to more than a bit of pocket change, but it was sufficient to get a second laspistol for my personal use, some actual armor to replace my well-worn flight suit, a med kit, and some extra ‘nades and pistol batteries as well as a handful of UPBs for future crafting needs. Vemir spent his downtime looking for any bounties that would be in the general area of the Drift we’d be searching in, and found a request for the power core of an Eoxian Corpse Fleet craft. I do not know what the Single-digit ‘Droid got up to besides shopping. Somehow we didn’t end up in the same part of the market.

My room in the Lorespire Complex was a significant improvement over the shack I’d been squatting in since arriving on Absalom Station, and since Captain Arvin offered its use as simply a matter of course, I went to sleep that night seriously reconsidering my impressions of the Starfinder Society. If this is how they treat random mercs drawn off the streets for the dirty work…

The next day, the three of us went out to the docks to see our ship and meet the crew. Keeping with the trend of Arvin supplying us with surprisingly high-quality equipment, the Pegasus-class Loreseeker looked like it as close to new as you can get without flying the thing out of the construction yard yourself. It was well appointed with crew quarters for ten, a science lab, a tech workshop (which I claimed as my personal domain the moment we stepped on board), a full set of operational laser cannons and a coil gun turret, and basic systems sufficient to get us anywhere in Known Space in comfort and with power to spare. As for the crew, we were three-fifths of it. We were joined only by the ship’s human captain, Manson Navasi, and an android calling herself Iseph, who would be our Science Officer. Naturally, I appointed myself the chief engineer for this voyage. Vemir decided to try piloting the ship, and Sixer took on the Gunner role.

While the three of us had been shopping and dinking around, Captain Arvin and his underlings had tried to extract more information from the Eoxian ghoul we’d trounced, but all they’d gotten was the approximate location of the Eoxian ship, the Endless Vermati, and the fact it was a Corpse Fleet ship and not an “official” Eoxian craft. The Corpse Fleet is considered a rebellious faction of Eox, consisting of those undead that do not want to do business with the living, except maybe the business of killing the living to make more undead from. All that really meant was that we, representatives of the Starfinders and the Pact, could fire on the Vermati without causing a political incident.

Once we were all onboard the Loreseeker and I had staked my claim to the tech workshop by parking my drone there, we pulled away from Absalom Station ad jumped right into the Drift. It took the better part of a standard day to fly to the Vermati’s last known location, and we spent most of that time just settling in. We didn’t chat among ourselves much; Vemir was busy doing the pilot thing and I was busy familiarizing myself with the mostly non-existent quirks of the Loreseeker’s core systems. 6 attempted to chat up Iseph, using his need to learn the firing systems as an excuse to pull her away from the computer. Iseph proved to be coldly professional: she pointed 6 to the various Gunnery stations, explained the parameters of the laser cannons and turret, and went right back to work. To his credit, 6 took the hint and didn’t try to get anything else out of her.

We found the Endless Vermati right where we were told it would be, and a scan revealed it was in rather poor shape. Aside from the typical Eoxian disregard for life support that meant the thing was deliberately open to the vacuum at numerous points, their aft weapons were completely offline. We’d been warned that Corpse Fleet ships are usually not open to negotiations, so we didn’t even bother. As soon as we were in range, Captain Navasi ordered us to engage.

Once we’d caught sight of the Vermati, I’d scurried about placing tools and patches next to every system I could reach, so that if we took damage I could just run toward the sparks and quickly get to work. As it turns out, I never needed to leave my station at the power distributor. Vemir’s piloting skills were such that we stayed in the enemy’s unarmed aft arc the majority of the time, no matter what the Corpse Fleet did to try and shake us. That meant they rarely got a chance to turn working weapons against us, and those weapons never did more damage to the shields than I could undo with a simple rerouting of power. It took Sixer a few shots to get used to the turret’s operation, but once he did he pounded the Vermati’s shields into oblivion and started taking chunks out of their hull. After a lot of circling about and shooting, Sixer landed a shot straight through one of the existing holes and knocked the Vermati’s power core right out. The ship listed, its hull crackling with now unconstrained necromantic energy.

Within moments of the Eoxian ship being disabled, we received a holographic call from Captain Arvin. The timing was… startling, as was the apparent ability for someone in real space to establish communication contact with a ship in the Drift. It is possible that I was so focused on keeping the shields up through the last moments of the fight that I missed Captain Navasi sending a progress report to the Starfinders, and I will admit my knowledge of how the Drift works and interacts with real space isn’t my greatest strength.

At any rate, Arvin congratulated us on surviving our first starship battle and reminded us of what our next objective would be: we had to board the Endless Vermati in its crippled and necromancy-leaking state and hope the information on the Unbounded Wayfarer could still be salvaged.

I’ve never had much to do with Eox or its skeletal constructions, but perhaps I’d find something there worth risking my fur and heartbeat to extract. Something explosive.

#Starfinder #Ski'tar #Vulpin plays

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mittensmorgul · 6 years ago

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do you think it's open to interpretation whether dean and cas are in love with each other? Like is it just as valid an interpretation to say they're not? Whenever anyone calls destiel "one interpretation" or whatever, my hackles rise. And I know I'm overly sensitive about this stuff, being a gay and whatnot, but I mean, is it? Am I just insecure because my otp isn't canon, or is destiel really more valid than other readings or what? What do you think?

Hi there. :)

I’m gonna give you the diplomatic, academic answer, and then I’m gonna give you the grumpy-ass queer lady answer. Hold on to your horses. :)

Polite answer:

All media is open to interpretation. Of course, this doesn’t mean that all interpretations are equally valid, or equally supported by canon, especially when taken in context of the entire body of the work in question.

For example, I replied to a post the other day about 13.17, and that scene where Dean and Sam are-- on first glance-- rather disrespectful of the extremely rare and valuable books in the bunker... but in context of the rest of the episode and the rest of the season, that montage wasn’t about disrespecting those books at all. It had less than nothing to do with the books themselves as objects or as sources of knowledge that should be properly cared for and respected. But out of context it kinda looks that way. So, based on that one short gif set, it might seem like a perfectly legitimate interpretation to suggest that Sam and Dean were careless with the immense knowledge and invaluable books they’ve found themselves in possession of. But in the larger context of their entire history, of all their interactions with the bunker and the untold store of knowledge it holds, and with the context of the specific reasons for their frustration in that particular scene, it seems obvious that there’s a lot more to the story, you know?

You could technically argue just about any weird headcanon can be supported by canon. I wrote this weird little post right after 12.11 aired, and it sat in my drafts for a good long time before I finally posted it. But there’s nothing in canon that legit quashes the possibility that endgame fish!Cas is where the story’s been headed all along. He’s positively swimming in fish metaphors. (sorry, I couldn’t resist) Does that abundance of fish, fishing imagery, and water imagery that have surrounded Cas for years lend itself to a literal interpretation? I mean, it’s definitely AN interpretation that is there if you want to see it, and if in your heart of hearts you believe it’s legitimately what the storytelling is attempting to convey here. But does that make it a valid interpretation that deserves serious consideration? Does it truly make sense when taking the larger story around Cas as a whole? Or is it obviously a literary theme that we’re supposed to consider through the themes traditionally associated with fish and fishing as used in countless other fictional works of the past? I suppose that sort of interpretation has been left open for us to take or leave as we see fit. It invites us to examine those references more closely, to help us understand Cas as a character and the journey his personal character arc is taking him through. It gives his experiences and growth a depth of context that is there to explore if we so choose.

(for more on Cas vs Fish, please see my tags regarding “The Fisher King.” I like to think there’s a more well-reasoned and logical line of thinking for pinning so much fish to Cas than my cracky example of fish!Cas would suggest.)

Now, looking at destiel specifically, if you take any single moment out of context, it’s absolutely possible to make an interpretation that their relationship is clearly more “brotherly,” or clearly more “familial,” or clearly one of “very close friends.” But it requires the same removal from the larger context to explain away what taken with the entirety of their history begins to look entirely undeniable.

I suppose, since Supernatural is an open canon and the story hasn’t been fully told yet, that it’s possible the writers could change course with the storytelling. It’s possible that something might prevent them from taking Dean and Cas and their story to the conclusion they’ve been building to for the last ten years. They could decide to leave this particular “interpretation” open-ended and unresolved.

Since that is always a possibility, and because I’m not psychic, nor do I have any top secret inside information from the writers and showrunners, I can’t say that my particular interpretation is more valid or correct or likely than anyone else’s. But I have yet to come up against a credible, coherent explanation for the entire body of extant canon that invalidates my particular interpretation, either.

The vast majority of arguments against boil down to logical fallacies-- cherry-picking scenes out of context as “proof,” straw man arguments, and ad hominem attacks. Because of this, I’m content to wait for canon to play out. I’ll happily watch the rest of the story unfold, and happily continue to interpret what I’m witnessing as a whole instead of attempting to dissect it out and explain away what I see as an entirely logical progression of storytelling.

As an aside here, I find it entirely fascinating that one of the most common complaints I read from people who deny Dean and Cas are in love is that the writing has become progressively more terrible, that the story of Supernatural as a whole makes less and less sense, and that the characters are behaving in increasingly “out of character” ways. And as someone in possession of rational capabilities, I wonder if their disconnect from the storytelling is simply their refusal to see and accept that perhaps their “interpretation” of the story is just... not correct.

When we attempt to deny or rationalize away certain interpretations of characterization, or certain progressions of events and how they relate to one another, the larger narrative just falls apart, you know? Of course it doesn’t make sense if you exclude large portions of it because you don’t want to see it or believe it’s happening, or important to the story.

Meanwhile, I’m over here loving every minute of it (okay... most minutes of it). So even if my interpretation isn’t absolutely 100% “correct” (and really, with any media, there’s always different ways to interpret everything, from what the color of the curtains might imply to who’s gonna get to fire Chekhov’s Gun in the third act), I’m content to continue to interpret it in a way that not only makes me personally happiest, but in a way that makes the story itself seem both logical and entertaining, as well.

Okay, that’s the end of the rational portion of this essay. Now on to the angry queer lady portion:

There’s more canon evidence for Dean and Cas being in love, or at the very least caring for one another to ridiculous, rather mind-numbing degrees, than there is for practically every canon heterosexual couple on television in the last fifty years. Think of any slow burn, will they-won’t they hetero couple, and do the point-by-point checklist of all the tropes they burned through before they got to the love declarations and the kissing and the happily ever afters (or worse, the dramatic breaking up and getting back together, or even worse, the tragically breaking up forever). I challenge anyone to name one hetero-presenting couple who required as many love tropes for audiences to recognize and acknowledge they were in love. Yeah, I’m thinking of that whole “they shared a pencil” post.

So yeah, there is likely a measure of heteronormativity to it, and a lot of the arguments against also devolve into rather gross denouncements that there’s no way Dean’s not straight, because he said so that one time... Mr. “I lie professionally” who also never actually said he was straight... gah... I’m not gonna dig up every ancient meta post on the subject. If anyone is legitimately interested in understanding why making those same tired arguments just doesn’t have any legitimacy in a reasoned discussion, they can damn well do their own digging. It’s not like any of the evidence is difficult to uncover, and it’s not my job to spoon feed it to every naysayer myself.

I feel like I’m standing on a Mt. Everest size pile of rational, reasonable, well-argued analysis supporting the claim that Dean and Cas are in love. *stands back and points at my whole entire blog again* If anyone would like to come back at me with something even remotely worth my time and attention to persuade me to alter my interpretation, I suggest they get busy. I’ll just be up here on top of my mountain enjoying the clean, destiel-scented air up here.

And finally, who says it’s not canon? Ah, right. Moving goalposts. At this point, I think it’s ridiculous to suggest that Dean and Cas don’t love one another. And profoundly, at that. I mean, you don’t give up an army for one guy if you don’t at least like him a lil bit. You don’t shout down God begging him to bring back that dude you’re kinda buddies with, or sink into a suicidal funk that reverses completely within minutes of finding out said buddy’s alive again. You don’t offer to march to your death with your chum because he’s such a nice guy and all. I mean... honestly. How far in denial does someone have to be to suggest they don’t love each other? At this point, when comparing Sam and Dean’s reactions far into s13 to Cas’s death in 12.23, either you accept that Dean has much stronger and far different feelings about the loss of someone that Sam does love and considers a brother, or else you kinda have to assume that Sam’s just kind of a dick for not being as broken up about Cas’s death as Dean is. So... which interpretation do you think is the one they’re trying to convey?

Bleh, whatever. I await the inevitable inbox full of nastiness that I will cheerfully delete while judging every anon who sends it as someone who really should find a better hobby than antagonizing strangers on the internet over a work of fiction.

Anon, basically, don’t let the bastards grind you down, okay?

Now for some reason I feel like listening to Achtung Baby. Imma go do that and feel the love.

#destiel #the scheherazade of supernatural #btw for anyone who still feels the need to antagonize destiel shippers #that tag would be the one for you to find a lot of that content you'll need to actually address in order for anyone to take you seriously #Anonymous

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kuiperblog · 6 years ago

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Asymmetric performance metrics in multiplayer games

One interesting conundrum of multiplayer game design is how to reward players for playing well while still allowing everyone to have a good time. Online multiplayer games feel inherently zero sum, because for every person who feels good about getting a kill, someone has to feel bad about having died.

One solution among many is to start giving people credit for assists. If you simply have 0 kills and 3 deaths, it feels bad. If you have 0 kills, 3 deaths, and 5 assists, you can feel good, because the number of interactions where “I shot at someone and then they died” is greater than the number of interactions where “someone shot at me and then I died.” Suddenly, skirmishes go from zero-sum interactions (where 1 person feels good about having gotten a kill and 1 person feels bad about having died) to positive sum (2+ people can feel good about having participated in a kill, only 1 person feels bad about having died).

The more asymmetric the gameplay is, these positive-sum interactions become even more likely, because suddenly everyone starts grading themselves on a different set of criteria. In Team Fortress 2, it’s not just about kills, deaths, and assists; there’s all sorts of different ways to contribute to your team. If a demoman destroys an engineer’s sentry gun, and then the engineer revenge-kills the demoman, the engineer can feel good because he got a kill without dying, and the demoman can feel good because by destroying the sentry he wiped out a building that took the engineer several seconds to set up, giving his team a chance to push in and take the objective. (The scoreboard even rewards the demoman by giving him 1 point for each building he destroys, the same as the 1 point the game awards for a kill. It’s impossible for every single player to have a positive kill/death ratio, but every player can have a positive point/death ratio.) Or, a spy dies 2 time without getting a kill, and then he manages to backstab an enemy medic with full Ubercharge, getting a kill that feels like it’s worth even more than 2 “normal” kills would have been. Medics nearly always end up with a negative kill/death ratio, but they usually end up near the top of the scoreboard because the game awards 1 the medic point for every 600 points of healing (and medics also get 0.5 points for an assist if their healing target gets a kill.)

In MOBAs, interactions become even more asymmetric as roles differ even more. The carry judges her success by how quickly she’s able to farm creeps. The roamer judges his success by how many ganks he’s able to initiate. The support judges his success by how many kills his lane partner gets. (In a MOBA, if you’re a support, you’d actually prefer that your lane partner gets the kill, so that they get the gold bounty for killing an enemy player. Incredibly, in a game like Dota, a support player would actually rather have a large number of assists than a large number of kills!) Even if you finish a game with 0 kills and 10 deaths and the lowest net worth on your team as a support player, you can feel good because you protected your lane partner and enabled your carry to farm, and you kept the map warded and protected your teammates against ganks.

How do you compare the performance of a hard carry to the performance of a hard support? It’s like trying to determine whether a basketball player’s legs or arms were more responsible for scoring a basket. Incredibly, in a MOBA, it’s possible for more than half the players on a team to think, “I was the best player on this team. I contributed more than anyone else to this victory.”

If the game constantly makes you feel like you are doing well, and makes everyone feel like they are “above average,” that can be seen as a big win in a lot of ways. It seems like it should be a good thing if everyone is able to think of themselves as a winner. But when you have an environment where everyone is allowed to think, “I was the MVP,” it also can create an environment of toxicity as it becomes easier for them to blame their losses on teammates. “The game made me feel like I was playing well, and then we lost, so clearly this is everyone else’s fault!”

If the game is engineered to make you feel good about your performance, then players will naturally start to mentally take credit for their wins while blaming their losses on their teammates. Everyone in the 2k bracket feels like they’re a 3k player who is somehow trapped in “ELO hell” with all of these less-skilled players.

This is similar to a cognitive bias among high-variance games, e.g. competitive card games like poker and Magic: The Gathering, where people feel like their wins are due to skill and their losses are due to bad luck, causing the majority of players to think that they are above average. One could say that this is a bug in human psychology. But if you’re a game designer who wants all of your players to enjoy a feeling of superiority, perhaps it’s a feature.

#game design

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erhiem · 3 years ago

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Already pandemic memorial tattoos are on the rise: sound waves from the last voicemail before undergoing COVID-19 complications; a masked nurse like a god; “I survived a global pandemic and I just got this stupid tattoo.” But the coronavirus also changed how we’re getting tattooed in less obvious ways. A year of trauma has imprinted on us thoughts of solidarity and empathy, and shops and studios flooding in as customers – artists across America with doubling of inquiries and bookings compared to the summer of 2019 – have been a trauma-informed one. The approach is taking hold.

The country’s 20,000 tattoo shops close their doors for months, some all year. With the reopening, they are making up for lost income and postponed appointments. Clinical counselor and trauma therapist Jordan Pickel wasn’t surprised to hear that the Instagram bios of many tattoo artists read “Books Closed” for another reason. Not only did we experience a pandemic, but the global death toll continues to rise. Survivors’ guilt and surrounding anxiety are feelings that settle in the body and stay there, even if we don’t notice them. Covering the body with symbols to see is a form of resistance and an act of recovery after a crisis.

“When something traumatic happens, it can shatter a person’s sense of security or stability, the idea that the world is a just place. Tattoos communicate ‘I have changed’ or ‘my worldview has changed,'” ‘” says Jordan. “Healing from trauma is multi-layered and self-determined, which means you get to decide what your healing process looks like. Getting a tattoo can totally play a role in emotional transformation.”

Photo courtesy of Alicia Chung

“I protect myself by decorating myself. It’s armor,” says Alicia Chung, a 24-year-old art student and accountability facilitator in Vancouver, Canada. Since restrictions were eased last fall, he’s been getting new inks almost every week, often occupied by his growing network of friends in private tattoo studios who run a rotary machine. A lot of his pieces make no sense, and he thinks he might as well be stupid — a spider on his elbow, a mud gun with a halo, a sexy peanut, “fast and furious” above the crotch — but the point is Alicia Chosen them. “It’s my weird, twisted way of gaining autonomy.”

The sudden and complete absence of autonomy is the hallmark of the pandemic era. This is at the root of complaints from anti-mascars and anti-vaxxers. This seemed to be the central conflict – even more powerful than the disease – of the quarantine essays written from vacation homes. Our newfound autonomy in a now-reopened society is stressing us out, creating FOMO in some and a fear of being left out in others. Emphasis on self-determination has always been a reason for getting tattoos, but in the post-pandemic scenario it has taken on new meaning.

“When my studio reopened in August, I was worried that people wouldn’t come,” says Ocean Sing, an artist based in Brooklyn, New York. “But more people wanted tattoos than before the pandemic. I think there was a zest for practicing agency, and I ended up getting tattooed on a lot of designs that people said they wanted for years. “

Psychologically, periods of separation and pause can act as a value reset. “Many of us had never faced the reality of ‘life is short,’ which leads to ‘why not’ decisions,” Jordan explains. For those who had money left over from government stimulus checks after paying rent and debt, getting a tattoo was something exciting.

Part of why Alicia has been under the needle so often is that the restaurant they work at has temporarily closed, the school has gone virtual and parties have been cancelled. They had too much time and too little socialization. “That’s when I can take a little rest or allow myself to rest,” he says. “It got to a point where I didn’t mind spending the money to get them all” [tattoos] Because I’m paying for those four hours to be on the table and get professional service. We become intimate and vulnerable but it maintains this customer relationship because I am paying for their trust and interaction. And the isolated pain of a billion vibrations.”

As social beings, we have suffered the loss of non-pod contact. Ocean could still sketch in lockdown if he had the energy, but couldn’t tell Miyazaki to chat with a stranger about movies while by the bathroom. spirited Away on their back. (“I prefer customs these days because they’re so cooperative,” he explains.) We remembered our third-tier friends, the people we laid eyes on the subway from and the professionals we called expertise. was paid instead.

Photo courtesy of Ocean Sing

“Tattoos are an experience you’ll never forget,” says Detroit artist and shop owner Chrissy the Butcher, who’s engaged anytime in her 13-year career. “You’re nervous, the adrenaline rushing. People want that feeling again. i have designed [my shop] So that it’s so quiet, people can bring their friends… there’s a vibe to it.”

According to Jordan, physical intimacy is an important part of restoration even after trauma. “Being around other people is a way that we co-regulate, which means our bodies go back into a sense of groundedness and security. It’s not something we really do on our own. ” For artists who see themselves as healers, this understanding comes first.

Jude Le Tronick specializes in flora and fauna – as nature was “a major healer” in his life – and does freehand blackwork exclusively from private studios established in Seattle. “Freehanding is for me and for the client. I think it’s a respectful process to be fully present.” Judd, which provides free scar cover-up tattoo services to survivors of domestic or sexual violence, believes that tattooists are not therapists, but still have stories of inner pain emanating from their clients. There should be room for

In Tamara Santibanez’s phenomenal manifesto/guidebook/love letter Could this be magic? tattooing as emancipation, published in March and developed from discussion groups conducted during the pandemic, they claim that a tattoo shop has the potential to be a significant site of community building and change. Historically, that ability has been undermined by a masculine culture lacking tenderness. There’s a dispute between street shops and DIY private studios, between artists asking you for consent to shave and between artists who photograph your lower back while you’re oblivious. Lily, 20, knew that for a memorial tattoo of her cousin who died by suicide during the quarantine, she wanted to patronize a queer-led shop and get a tattoo done by a non-male artist. “When I was doing this I didn’t have to worry about anyone maybe attacking me,” she says.

We are in a unique moment of systemic change and the impact of the pandemic on the future of tattoo spaces is beginning to show. For many, this is taking a trauma-informed direction; For others, a selfish fight-or-flight. Pat Fish has been tattooing for 37 years, and she estimates that the dozen tattoo studios around the Santa Barbara Valley have shrunk to six since Covid hit. “I think everyone else is advertising on Craigslist that they’ll be visiting a house, a completely unwell condition. The major effect of the pandemic is that people realized ‘I’m going to have to inspect me once a year. Why should I pay $380 to the health department?’ They are not taking their responsibility as an agent of change seriously.”

“The old thing was you were grassroots because you want someone randomly walking to hear the sound, buzzzz, and to intrigue in the door,” Pat continues. “Now I think, ‘I don’t want you to move, who are you?’ If I’m going to have face-to-face contact with people, let it be that.

A safe space requires acknowledging the dynamic force between the tattooer and the client. When Ocean holds a stencil, for example, they tell the client it’s not a big deal to move or replace, they won’t go crazy. “When I was getting my first tattoo, I was afraid to ask for what I wanted. Even if you’re not traumatized, it’s a scary thing to be in a situation where a stranger might notice your presence. Changes forever.”

Getting a tattoo has always been scary for some people. Jade Bell is a Los Angeles tattoo artist and illustrator who grew up seeing her mother being deprived of shops for being a black woman. When they found an aspiring artist, they weren’t necessarily trained appropriately. “I literally saw a girl give my mom a keloid scar because she didn’t know how to work with darker skin tones,” Jade says.

America’s “plague years” included one of the largest protest movements in the country’s history, making it impossible to close the ongoing racial count. This resonated throughout the tattoo community, as Instagram infographics circulated resources for inking various skin pigments and white artists were singled out for a culturally appropriation flash.

Photo courtesy of Chrissy the Butcher

“People started to realize they had no black art [tattoo] collection,” says Jade. “I asked my partner, ‘Hey, can you name five Blacks’ [tattoo] artist’s?’ we could not. ‘What about five famous tattoo models who are black?’ We couldn’t think of anyone at all.”

Luckily Jade is a Virgo, so she was fearless at the idea of changing the culture herself. “I like to represent myself in the things I love. I had never seen black women drawn in the portrayal style that I see other women drawn all the time. I’m four-eyed black girls.” I am developing my universe.”

Chrissy the Butcher lives and works in Detroit, America’s largest black-majority city. Over the past year, she has seen ideas about race and society make their way onto the body. “Tattoos help people heal from generational trauma. It causes you to research the imagery presented by our ancestors. I see people getting African symbols with the turn of 2021, and I’m getting that tattoo. I’m building what I love and know, anything that relates to the black female form.”

A common counterargument is ‘Why remind yourself of your hardship on your body?’ “I’m thinking about it anyway,” says Kansas City physician Jesse Lee. “My trauma defines a lot of who I am and I was offended by it. Now I’m really happy [for it] Because I love who I am now.”

In February, Jesse got a bicep tattoo of a plant blooming from a can of tomatoes. For years, she pointed to her “nonsense childhood” without actually addressing it. When someone described her trauma to her as a jar of rotten tomatoes that gained more and more pressure over time, until the lid burst and the juices spilled everywhere, Jesse summed it up in a poem. Changed. After a one-year hiatus, in which she finally stuck with therapy and did things she wouldn’t allow herself to do as a fat woman – like roller skating, wearing crop tops, and considering her body a canvas – She was ready to make it a permanent reminder.

“People have experienced more trauma in the last five or so years than I think we have ever experienced collectively. Just by going to the Internet we are constantly digesting other people’s traumas,” Jesse says. A tattoo becomes a positive part of your story.”

It is beautiful to see collective grief metamorphose when we heal individually. “So much healing from trauma involves humor, at least for me,” Alicia says. “People ask me what I’ll think of my sexy Peanuts tattoo in 30 years. Maybe I look back and say to myself, ‘You could probably love yourself a little more, apparently it’s yours’ There was a way to compete. I think it’s nice to have a mark of remembrance for being a wrinkled old woman with a portrait made during a crazy time in the world.”

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The post The tattoo artists healing our collective trauma post-pandemic appeared first on Spicy Celebrity News.

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random-thoughts-collection · 7 years ago

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Supernatural | 13.10 Review

Supernatural - Wayward Sisters

written by Robert Berens & Andrew Dabb, directed by Phil Sgriccia

When the concept of a Wayward Sisters spinoff first came up, I liked the idea. At that time the characters in position for that spinoff were Jody, Donna, Claire and Alex, and I liked all of them well enough. Over time, my optimism about that spinoff faded more and more when news came out how they would want to start it.

Now that I have seen the episode I know that it could have been worse, but it also could have been done better. I have mixed feelings about this episode depending from what viewpoint I try to see it, so this review will be split in that way, too.

As a Wayward Sisters pilot

We got Sioux Falls covered.

For a start of a possible Wayward Sisters series, this episode worked well overall. We have met all these characters before already, so there is no need for long expositions or introductions of the characters themselves. But we get to see these characters interact now, and most of it was enjoyable to watch.

I never had much of a problem with Claire. In general, she’s an okay-ish character for me. I was irritated however that she was the main focus among the Wayward Sisters. She had good moments in this episode – like when she confessed to Kaia that the thought of dying scarred her even though she thought she’d be okay with it. I also liked when she admitted to Jody that Jody had been right. The opening of the episode however – Claire fighting against two werewolves – didn’t work for me at all. The last time we saw her, she almost got turned by a werewolf, and this time it was three against one! How did she suddenly turn into a super hunter? When did that transformation in this expert fighter happen? I’m also convinced the show would do better without her voiceover monologues.

Claire’s scenes with Kaia in general were nice. As I said in my last review, I like Kaia and the actress playing her does a great job. Her interactions with Claire worked well, but I don’t get why they suddenly get so attached to each other. Kaia was terrified by The Bad Place, so I don’t understand why she would go there just because Claire was going. Claire being upset when Kaia died makes sense (it’s not every day that someone dies to protect your life), but what actually lead to that was a bit strange. In the end, Kaia was left behind in The Bad Place and supposedly dead, but we have seen that hooded figure appearing and wearing Kaia’s face. So, is she still alive, or is only her dead vessel left? I guess the CW has to pick up the show if we want to find out.

It was great to see Alex again. I like how settled she is and the way she tries to live a normal life while being there for Jody at the same time. She feels grounded and surer of herself than when we saw her last time. She also has a nice relationship to Claire, and she got to bond with Patience for a bit in this episode. However, it was weird that she tried to talk Patience out of leaving. She’s been the one that doesn’t to have anything to do with monsters and tries to live a normal life, so shouldn’t she be able to understand Patience better? From her own experience she probably knows that trying to run away from whatever supernatural elements you have in your life doesn’t work that well, but her and Patience background are very different.

Jody was a solid character as she is most of the time – caring, smart and effective when it comes to getting things done. I like that she called Donna for backup and that she tries to keep the girls safe. Her initial argument with Claire reminded me a bit too much of Ellen’s and Jody’s similar argument in season 2, but that’s probably unavoidable. I’m still not sure if her relationship with Patience really works for me because I don’t really see anything between them, but aside from the already mentioned argument the scenes with the other girls and Donna were fine.

Donner herself didn’t get much to do in that episode – she was mostly there to help Jody and the girls. There was an attempt of giving her a little bond with Patience – before Patience came in, Donna was the newbie in some way since everyone else knew about the Supernatural long before her, so it fits that she takes Patience a bit under her wing. Patience herself still feels a bit empty though. She gets the position of an outsider who is not used to dealing with the supernatural yet. There is no much else to her in this episode. We got to know her as a great student and a smart girl who was liked by everyone. Now Donna hands her a shotgun and with her first shot she kills one of the monsters. If it’s that easy to take these monsters down for someone who has never used a gun before, why was anybody even worried?

Story-wise this episode sets up the hunt for Kaia’s killer as well as the monsters from the Bad Place, and a major point will be the fact that Kaia’s killer probably is using Kaia’s body as a vessel now. It’s actually a quite harsh fate that after all that fear and terror she felt when dream-walking in that place she now got killed there. But anyway - they have quite a few places where they can take these characters with that plot, and all in all that setup worked better than expected. It’s also interesting to see that with that rift, Wayward Sisters will probably have less urban myths or monsters from legends or religions, but completely unknown monsters instead. It’s not a bad distinction to make between Supernatural and Wayward Sisters.

As a Supernatural episode

I think it's a different universe. – Yeah, well, this universe sucks.

As a Supernatural episode, it utterly failed. What makes it even worse is that it is the midseason premiere. It’s not one of the MotW episodes, but the first episode after a 6-week-long break. It follows right after events like Dean and Sam realizing their mother is not dead, Jack ending up in the Apocalypse universe, and Asmodeus is still holding Lucifer and Castiel captive. The season is already dealing with all these different plots at once when Wayward Sisters comes along and adds their content to four episodes. They’ve also thrown another new universe into the ring after having introduced the possibility of alternate universes just at the end of last season.

There is way too much going on already, so Supernatural doesn’t really have the time to deal with a fourth plot. Especially if we barely get to see anyone of the people involved in these plots.

While Jack, Mary, Lucifer, Castiel and Asmodeus don’t appear in this episode at all, Sam and Dean – the protagonists of this show – get maybe five minutes of screen time. Within that screen time they don’t accomplish anything. They don’t affect the plot aside from serving as the living MacGuffin to give the girls a goal to work towards.

The last time a Supernatural episode had to serve as a backdoor pilot, Sam and Dean were at least actively involved and were shown to be competent. This time – not so much.

The story within an established universe

Women can do the job fine. Amateurs can't.

This episode introduces us to a new type of monster from an alternate universe, to a mystical stranger with unknown powers and has four teenage girls and two police officers/part-time-hunters searching for the world’s best hunters. As TV shows are written these days, that can’t work without creating tiny irritations and small confusions – especially since we are dealing with a 13-seasons-old universe.

First up: the main problem of this episode is how unbelievable the sudden increase in Claire’s skill is, especially compared to the sudden decrease in Sam’s and Dean’s capability. It feels like the show tries to tell us that Claire’s already a great fighter and only needs to learn not to rush things. The episode tells us via voiceover monologue that these unexperienced teen hunters rescued the world’s best experts when it comes to fighting the supernatural. The contrast within this episode is glaring, and it has nothing to do with the Wayward Sisters being female, but everything to do with how Claire was depicted in a way that didn’t fit what we have seen from her until now.

Of course – the Winchesters need saving every now and then; it’s not the first time they’re trapped like that. And they’ve been saved before by people who have earned their reputation, at least most of the time. But they always have played a more active role than in this episode. Ennis in Bloodlines would have died in that monster club without the brothers. Even with Charlie in an episode they always played major roles in the plot. Eileen was an experienced hunter, and so is Mary. Jody surely has learned a lot over the course of 8 years, and she was a cop to begin with. Claire is none of that. The writers should not need to have Claire parade around with a medal saying "we saved Sam and Dean" to make her an interesting character or to set up the spinoff altogether. Build your characters up without tearing other characters down! So, looking back at all the 200+ episodes that came before this one: shouldn’t the boys be able to fight a single person more effectively after having fought so many other monsters? Shouldn’t they have better skills in getting out of ropes by now, like, don’t you guys usually carry knives for stuff like that? Does anyone of the writers remember that Dean survived a whole year in purgatory? And on a different-universe-related note: if there’s a giant monster looming over you, shouldn’t you run immediately towards the closing rift?

What about the rift anyway – why couldn’t Sam and Dean find it after searching for it for two days, while Claire and Kaia found the brothers immediately? I’m sure Kaia knows the place better then Sam or Dean, but how could she know where to look for them? And if it’s that close they should have found it anyway, especially since it’s the only glowing thing in that whole monsterworld-forest. So why did Claire take Kaia with her through the rift anyway? She’s not a fighter and she’s terrified of that rift. I’d also like to point out the unlikeliness of Kaia being brought into the hospital were Alex works, just when Claire was visiting her.

What’s with all the scars all of sudden? In 13 seasons I can’t remember Sam or Dean getting any scars from there fights, but now that is actually a thing? And how come we never saw Sam keeping a journal? And what about the new rift - how did that portal to monsterland open again? The last time I checked, a Nephilim was necessary to create that. Is that an ability several creatures have now?

And am I the only one who thinks WS!Donna feels a lot more like Briana then SPN!Donna did?

And while I get why the writers wanted the “Sam and Dean were on a hunting trip”-line in this, but 1) they weren’t, they were babysitting a Nephilim and searching for a way to get to their mum when angels suddenly started hunting them, and 2) when Sam and Dean went to search for their dad as a reaction to that line we spend a whole season to get to know them and their skills before they finally got to save them. I liked it better that way.

Now, I’ve listed a lot of things that didn’t work for me in this episode, but as I mentioned before – it’s not all bad. I can see a spinoff starting with this, and I wish the people involved with this good luck. I just would have liked it better if they wouldn’t use four episodes to get on with this. The midseason premiere diverted the focus of the original show so completely and put down the actual protagonists in order to promote their spinoff stars, and that just doesn’t sit right with me. To offer a more positive approach, I have a few ideas about what could have been a little step to improve this episode:

Ideas for improvement

Make Sam and Dean the mentors they’ve been for quite some time now.

Jody has learned quite a lot over time from Sam and Dean (and Bobby as well). Sam and Dean could have helped in the fight against whatever came from that rift at least in small ways, and they could still let the Jody, Donna and the girls do most of the stuff, because as Jody mentioned in the end: they’re busy! They’ve got to find their lost nephilim and their mum! Having them be the damsels in distress is unbelievable and doesn’t add anything to the show.

Let the characters grow slower and give them time for development.

Especially Claire doesn’t need to be the perfect fighter already. I get that among the girls she’s the main hunter, but she should not only need to learn not to rush into things (a lesson she already learned at the end of this pilot) or that she needs her family (which she also realized at the end of this episode), but also how to fight monsters and how to be a real hunter – that she’s been already from the beginning of the episode. She is out for revenge now, and that’s fine. But she’s also a teenager. Give her time to learn the skills that she needs to learn. If you need inspiration for that, go and watch the series “Avatar - The last Airbender”. And avoid making Patience perfect in everything. Her first shot shouldn’t have been an instant-hit.

Show, don’t tell.

Get rid of your voice-over monologues. You shouldn’t need them to tell your story, and the episode will probably feel less artificially as a result. I am convinced that the actors are good enough that they can carry the story and emotions without having to narrate and comment on it.

Relocate the episode somewhere else.

Don’t turn a midseason premiere into a backdoor pilot. Not everyone cares for the spinoff, and people have waited for weeks to see more of the show. They probably want to see how the story arc develops. That is not possible this way and you follow with a MotW episode with the same WS theme. Using episode 13.11 or 13.12 would have worked better in my opinion.

Be honest in your promotion and don’t mislead your audience.

I remember reading “Sam and Dean are trying to save themselves. They’re not passive passengers in this situation." in this article and as how I see it it’s just not true.

Next: Breakdown (spoilers)

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The next episode is the last set up for the Wayward Sisters: with Donna searching for her niece the show can position her character in a more detailed way while simultaneously reminding the audience of the possible spinoff. Sam and Dean will hopefully be more prominent again in this one, but I don’t expect their characters or story to go anywhere – and judging by how the Wayward Sisters backdoor pilot turned out it’s quite likely Donna will be the one to save the day. Hopefully it’s an interesting case anyway, with a few scenes that compensate at least a little bit for the lack of the protagonists in their own midseason premiere.

#SPN #Supernatural #Wayward Sisters #SPN review #review #SPN13 #SPN13x10 #SPN spoilers

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