#and even their ‘breakup’ or break or whatever wasn’t as devastating as the bullshit in s1

[mymitochondriaforpresident]

For me YR exists in two parts: before the s2 wille speech, and after.

Aka The Dark Days and The Light Days, respectively.

[spidernerdsblog]

I Forgot That You Existed : Chapter Seven

A/N: Chapter seven is here. An emotional roller coaster this took me some time. Hope you like this chapter. Feedback and suggestions are always welcome.

Pairing : Tom Holland × Singer reader 

Summary : It's been more than five years since you and Tom have gone their own ways after a heartbreaking breakup which had left both of you shattered. Both of you thought that you were finally over with each other and were happy in your respective lives until you meet again at a reunion trip planned by your best friend and you realize you are still not done with each other.

Warnings : pregnancy, miscarriage, angst, molestation.

Mini Playlist : look what you made me do by taylor swift.

And the cat was out of the bag. All these years you have been hiding from the world and Tom that you had conceived. That you were pregnant with his child. Nobody knew about this except your parents, Zendaya, Harrison and Alex. The whole incident had mentally affected you very badly that you went into depression which luckily you were able to recover with the support of your family and friends.

Tom stood there frozen. Your words hit him like a rock. His face was blank, eyes wide in bewilderment.

You looked around to see everyone in a state of shock. You fought back your tears as you ran inside the house rubbing your eyes, shutting the door you collapsed on the floor wailing.  

“Y/N!!” Zendaya and Harrison called out to you.

“Seriously Tom you are such a jerk.” Zendaya spat turning towards Tom then running inside to your aid. Chloe followed her.

Tom felt weak; he felt his legs would give away any minute. Harrison came up to him and put his hand on his shoulder.

“Did you know?” Tom asked weakly

“Tom listen we didn’t think that you will get to know this in such a circumstance” Harrison spoke trying to calm him down

“Don’t bullshit me Harrison!! Did you know about this?!” Tom demanded

“Yeah mate.”

“Why didn't you say anything to me?” Tom was fighting back his tears.

“I tried to tell you but you never listened. And after she lost the baby she made me promise to not tell anyone about this.”

Zendaya and Chloe kept knocking on your door.

“Y/N!! open up dear”

“It's only us Y/N don't do this to yourself.”

The door unlocked as you emerged from behind the door, your face all red, eyes puffy, tears trickling down your cheeks. Zendaya and Chloe got inside and hugged you, tears shimmered in your eyes. They made you sit on the bed and drink a glass of water.

“It's gonna be okay darling” Zendaya rubbed your back comforting you.

“I messed up everything Z” you sniffled

“No Y/N it was not your fault Tom pushed you. You were always trying to avoid any kind of conflict.” Chloe said

“And this thing had to come out some or the other day maybe this was the best time.” Zendaya said.

Six years ago you left London with a broken heart. It wasn’t easy for you to leave behind the person whom you loved with all your heart but little did you know that you were carrying a piece of him with you. After a month in NY your health went terrible; frequent mood swings, morning sickness and nausea was common. You first thought maybe the change of environment is taking a toll on you but when you missed your period you decided to see a gynaecologist. Though you were sure that you used protection the last time you and Tom had sex but you were not on birth control so you couldn't rule out the chances. And there you were one fine morning in the doctor’s chamber

“Hello Miss Y/L/N”

“Hello Dr Ivy”

“I have good news for you. Congratulations you are pregnant.” And your worst fear came true. You gave a tight lipped smile.

“Are you sure?” You asked. The doctor looked at you sceptically

“No I mean is it even possible? Because we used protection” you explained.

“Yes dear, your test reports came positive. And condoms are actually 98% effective sometimes it just happens due to many reasons like if it’s not worn properly or breaking of the material etc. I know you are young and it’s hard for you to make a decision of keeping the baby or not but that’s okay talk to your partner, it isn’t that late you are just six weeks into your pregnancy.”

“Thank you doctor” you gave a smile.

You didn't know what to do, you were just 21 and the whole pregnancy thing was freaking you out. The first person that came in your mind was Tom though you least expected that he would answer still there was a little bit of hope left in you. You tried to contact him but it was in vain. So you called your parents and Harrison to tell the news.

Your parents flew to NY in the earliest flight they could get.

“Honey did you tell Tom?” your mom asked

“He isn't answering me.”

“So have you decided what you’re going to do?” your dad asked

“I don’t know. I’m confused.”

“Jellybean you are too young for this you have a life and a career ahead. You can't nurture a baby and craft your career simultaneously.” Your dad tried to make you understand.

“We think you should go for an abortion.” your mom suggested

“But mom this is our baby. This is the only thing of Tom I have with me, I can’t do this to our baby.” You protested

“I know dear how much you love him, but are you sure he wants to be the father of this child? That is why take your time. It's not that late whatever you decide we are with you.”

Harrison came to visit you a week later. He lied to everyone back at home that he is going for some audition for a role. You were sitting on the couch head leaning on his shoulder. Harrison’s arm was wrapped around your shoulder.

“What are you gonna do Y/N?”

“I want to keep it Haz. This baby is all I have got of him.” You looked up to him.

“What do you want me to do?”

“I just want to know what Tom thinks about having a baby, ask him somehow, don't make it obvious though.”

“Okay”

Harrison called Tom as he put the phone on speaker for you to hear.

“Hey man what's up?”

“Yeah I'm good. How did the audition go?”

“Yeah it went pretty well”

“Nice”

“Umm Tom Y/N has been trying to talk to you why aren't you answering her?”

“Because I don't want to.”

“It can be something important.”

“What important things does she have to say after all this? That she’s so happy right now living her dream”

“I don't know but what if she's you know got pregnant. You guys were at it like rabbits before you guys broke up.” He forcefully chuckled.

“Whoa!! Dude, stop imagining such things. I'm not ready to have kids yet I have a bright career can't ruin that. And even if she's pregnant, I don't care.”

“ Okay Haz I have got some work to do, will talk to you later”

“Yeah mate will talk to you later” Harrison ended the call.

“Y/N?” Harrison said softly

“It's okay Haz I got my answer." You placed your hand on your stomach "This baby is mine, only mine. It doesn't need a father. I'll give all the love it deserves.” You sobbed. Harrison hugged you tight.

“It’s gonna be okay, we are all with you” he kissed your forehead comfortingly.

“Haz you have to promise me one thing in no means you are going to tell about this to anyone not even to Nikki. Promise this to me Harrison ”

“But Y/N is it right to hide from them about their grandchild. They would be thrilled to know about it. And maybe you and Tom can reconcile your differences.”

“Harrison you heard him say it clearly he doesn’t want to be a father. I know he will eventually agree if Nikki and Dom spoke to him. But I don’t want to force him into anything and act as a burden. And I don’t want anybody to pity me or my baby.”

“Okay as you wish” he sighed.

Your parents decided to stay with you until your due date. They couldn't leave you alone to deal with this whole pregnancy.

You finally started to adapt to the changes your body was going through. Your days were spent by writing songs and recording voice memos. Alex handled each and everything for you. You were in your third month now though there was no prominent bump visible. You had made a daily routine to caress your growing belly and talk to the little human growing inside you.

“Don't worry baby, mommy will always be there for you, she will never let any harm come to you. She will love you with everything she has.” You cooed

“Your daddy though he is not with us, he would have been over the moon to hear about you. He would have loved you so much. Always know your dad is the best.”

“I'm gonna name you Destiny because you are going to change my destiny”

But destiny had other things planned for you. One night you woke up with severe abdominal pain as you sat up to see blood stains on the sheets. You desperately called your parents; you were rushed to the hospital as soon as possible.

“Mr and Mrs Y/L/N?”

“Yes we are her parents doctor how is she? Is everything fine?”

“I'm sorry to say there has been excessive vaginal bleeding. We might not be able to save the baby.”

“Will our daughter be okay?”

“Yeah she'll be fine.”

After the procedure was complete your parents were allowed to meet you. You were sitting on the hospital bed, with a blank stare at your lap.

“Jellybean” your dad called you softly.

“Mom, dad I lost my baby too” you burst into tears seeing them.

“Honey it's gonna be okay. It wasn't your fault.” They hugged you trying to console you as you wailed.

All the boys were sitting in the living room as they quietly listened to Harrison. Tom’s eyes were wet.

“Man she was devastated and you deliberately hurt her. That year on Christmas when she came home I somehow persuaded her to tell you about this but after seeing you with a girl she didn’t want to bother you anymore. So she distanced herself from us to get rid of her pain.”

“Harrison I need to talk to her.” Tom got up and held on to Harrison’s hands.

“Tom calm down. I don't think she's ready to talk to you. It's better you leave her alone for tonight.”

“How can you tell me to calm down when I messed up really bad?! Haz I left her alone when she needed me. I hurt her in every possible way.” Tom was desperate

 Meanwhile your phone buzzed it was none other Nikki facetiming you. Of course Harry must have informed them after your grand revelation. You looked at Zendaya and Chloe with fear in your eyes, your hands were shaking.

“You should take it.” Z said, Chloe nodded her head in affirmation.

You took a deep breath and received the call.

“Hey Nikki how are you?” You tried speaking cheerfully.

“We are fine honey. How are you doing dear?”

“I'm fine too.”

“Don't lie to us honey we know what happened.”

“I'm sorry" your voice broke as fresh tears rolled down your cheeks.

“No dear don't be sorry it wasn't your fault.”

“It was selfish of me to hide from you about your grandchild” you sniffled.

“We totally understand why you did that dear, you were hurt. Our son is an idiot but you could have told us peanut. We never saw you less than our daughter.” Dom said.

“I didn't want to bother Tom with the responsibility he didn't want so I had decided until the baby comes nobody has to know.” You sobbed

“We are sorry on behalf of our son we can't imagine what you have gone through dear.”

“Zendaya, Chloe please take care of her and get her some rest.” Nikki requested.

“Yeah sure Nikki.”

Zendaya and Chloe stayed with you for the night. Next morning as you came down the stairs you saw all the boys were waiting for you though Tom and El were missing.

“How are you?” Harrison asked as he hugged you.

“I’m good”

“Hey Y/N we are really sorry on behalf of Tom” Harry apologized

“It’s okay Harry I’m fine” you all came in for a giant hug.

Today Harrison dropped you at the rehearsal ground.

“I’ll come to take you by noon okay” he said while leaving

“Yeah okay bye”

Steve was nowhere to be seen around today. After the nasty fight you two had you had assumed this before only that he might not be interested in you anymore. You discussed with the musicians and chorus singers about the whole order you will sing your songs before starting the practise session.

It was around noon Harrison was about to get in the car to go and pick you up but Tom stopped him.

“Harrison, can I go to pick her up? I really need to talk to her alone” Tom almost begged

“Yeah, sure mate. Try your best.” He handed him the car keys. During the whole drive Tom rehearsed to himself of what he is going to say to you.

“Okay guys let's take it from the top for the one last time then we will wrap it up for today.” You directed. You turned around to see the face you were least interested to see at this moment not after what happened yesterday, your mood went off. Tom was standing in front of the stage, his hands in his pockets, eyebrows furrowed, sadness clouded his features  You could tell he was nervous.

 I don't like your little games

Don't like your tilted stage

The role you made me play

Of the fool, no, I don't like you

You gritted your teeth while singing.

I don't like your perfect crime

How you laugh when you lie

You said the gun was mine

Isn't cool, no, I don't like you (oh!)

You sang anger evident in your voice as you stared directly in his eyes.

But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time

Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time

I've got a list of names and yours is in red, underlined

I check it once, then I check it twice, oh!

Tom could understand by the tone of your voice that you were mad at seeing him.

Ooh, look what you made me do

Look what you made me do

Look what you just made me do

Look what you just made me

Ooh, look what you made me do

Look what you made me do

Look what you just made me do

Look what you just made me do

I don't like your kingdom keys

They once belonged to me

You ask me for a place to sleep

Locked me out and threw a feast (what!?)

If words could slap a person this song of yours was perfect to do the job.

The world moves on, another day, another drama, drama

But not for me, not for me, all I think about is karma

And then the world moves on, but one thing's for sure (sure)

Maybe I got mine, but you'll all get yours

Emphasizing on your words you gave a cold glare as your grip on the microphone tightened.

But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time (nick of time)

Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time (I do it all the time)

I've got a list of names and yours is in red, underlined

I check it once, then I check it twice, oh!

You moved around the stage practicing your little dance moves.

Ooh, look what you made me do

Look what you made me do

Look what you just made me do

Look what you just made me

I don't trust nobody and nobody trusts me

I'll be the actress starring in your bad dreams

I don't trust nobody and nobody trusts me

I'll be the actress starring in your bad dreams

I don't trust nobody and nobody trusts me

I'll be the actress starring in your bad dreams

You continued singing.

“Okay guys well done, let's wrap it up for today.” You packed your stuff and went down the stage. Tom walked up to you.

“I thought Haz was coming to pick me up.”

“He had some other things to do.”

You hummed as you quietly went and sat on the passenger seat. Tom drove the car as you looked outside the window. Tom broke the silence

“Y/N I'm..” You cut him off

“Listen Tom if you are going to gloat about last night please don't I'm in no mood for it. Just take me back home. I'm tired.”

After sometime Tom stopped the car at a place. You recognised the place it was near the cliff.

“Why did we stop?”

“Y/N can we talk? Please.”  He begged

"No I don't want to talk" you said sternly

Tom got out of the car and went to your side to open the door. You looked straight crossing your arms.

"Y/N for God's sake please talk to me" Tom pleaded. You looked at him annoyed.

“You don’t wanna go? Fine! I can walk myself home anyways it's around 10 mins from here” you grabbed your bag and got out of the car. Tom quickly went and stood in front of you blocking your path.

“Tom move let me go”

“No I'm not letting you go until you talk to me”

“There's nothing more to talk about. And I guess Harrison has told you everything.”

“No, I just want to listen to everything from you.”

“What more do you want to hear Tom?”

“We had sex, I wasn't on birth control, condoms are 98% effective and we were the 2% unlucky people so I got pregnant, I tried to reach out to you but you wouldn't answer so I decided to raise my baby myself but I lost my baby.”

“Y/N.. we lost the baby.” Tom corrected you.

“We?? Tom you literally just gave a sperm and after so many years there's no need to acknowledge your paternity as the baby never got to see the daylight. Besides you didn't even want to be a father.”

“Y/N I was angry I didn't actually mean that, I would never do that to you. I would have loved to be a dad to your baby, our baby. That is the life I had always dreamt for us. You, me and our little family.”

“You should be happy right now because whatever you said turned out to be true I really ended up alone, all alone.” You said.

“No you are misunderstanding me Y/N.”

“It's okay Tom that ship has sailed and drowned a long time ago. I finally feel relieved that you got to know about our unborn child.”

“Please Y/N, please give me a chance I will make things right.”

“There's nothing you can do now Tom so just try to get over it as I did.”

“Yes I can, we can start over, just you and me. I'll leave El, call off the wedding.”

“Tom! Do you even know what you are saying?” your eyes went wide.

“Yes you hurt me but I am not going to let you hurt El. At least I don't want to be the reason she gets hurt. She's such a nice girl who's always by your side no matter what, she loves you blindly. And you said you loved her too. She doesn't deserve this.”

“No Y/N it was always you, it has always been you.”

“It’s your guilt that is speaking Tom, you and I know very well that we can never be together, not in this lifetime at least.” Tom hung his head defeated.

“I have no grudges against you Tom. I forgave you a long time ago.”

Tom didn’t say anything more as you both silently got up in the car. El saw you both together as you entered the house. You went to your respective rooms. You laid down on the bed closing your eyes, your legs dangling on the edge as you heard El and Tom arguing. You sat up as you heard El yelling.

“Really Tom?! After everything that happened last night you want me to believe that there is nothing going on between you two.”

“Why don't you admit that your old feelings have resurfaced again? Now even more after knowing that she was carrying your child.”

You felt bad that they were fighting because of you. You couldn't resist yourself so you went to their room. You knocked before entering their room.

“Sorry to interrupt I know it's your personal matter but El I want to assure you there is nothing going on between us.”

“Oh Y/N can you please stop acting now? I really thought you were a good person but guess what you turned out to be a two faced bitch. I should have known that day only when I saw you both dancing so intimately, I let it go thinking you were best friends so it's okay but the night after he returned from the carnival I felt you, your fragrance lingering all over him, I still didn’t want to believe it but yesterday you both cleared my doubts. How far have you two gone by the way? Did you guys fuck? Planning another baby?” El ranted.

“El you can't talk to her like that.” Tom protested.

“Oh yeah now it hurts you. Tom, you were the one who was being literally rude to her all this time. What caused the change of mind? Is it because she was going to be your child's mother or long lost desire for each other?”

You swallowed each and every accusation El gave you thinking you deserved it. If it were somebody else you would have hit the person on the face by now because no one has the right to talk about you or your unborn baby like this. Your eyes were filled with tears. You mustered all courage as you spoke.

“El I just want to say I'm sorry. Please try to bear with me for the next few days. I promise you that I will be gone for good from your lives this time. You will never have to see me again in your life.”

You left the room wiping your tears.

“Seriously El how can you be so insensitive towards her?! She has already gone through a lot for me; don't add up to her miseries.” Tom turned around to leave.

“Where are you going now?”

“To say sorry to her for what you did.”

“I'm going for a drink in the nearby pub.” You said to Zendaya as you came down the stairs.

“I can come with you” she offered

“No it’s fine I’ll take a cab” You left hurriedly

“Hey where is Y/N?” Tom ran down the stairs panting.

“She went to the pub. Why?” Zendaya informed confusion in her eyes.

“Uh El blasted off at her and she went away all upset. I need to apologise to her.”

“Seriously you guys are keeping us on our toes. Can we have a normal day where nobody is crying or fighting?!” Harry scoffed.

Tom took the car keys and ran out to go to the pub. You were sitting in a secluded booth at the corner of the pub sipping on your drink looking out the window.

“Hey Y/N” you turned your gaze to find Steve.

“Oh hi Steve”

“May I sit?”

“Yeah sure”

He slid into the booth beside you.

“Didn't see you during the rehearsal.”

“I was a little tired today.” He ordered his drink shifting himself a little more closer to you.

“So how are you?” He placed his hand on your knee, you felt a little uncomfortable but decided to ignore.

“I’m fine” You felt his hand slowly move higher under your dress.You panicked.

“Steve what are you doing?!” you grabbed his hand to stop whatever he was trying to do.

"You know all this while I really thought you were an innocent, good girl type. So I was taking my time with you. But who knew you were such a little slut.” Steve drew his finger through your jawline

“What the hell Steve back off!!” you pushed him hard.

“Oh c’mon darling I know how much of a whore you are” Steve gripped on to your thigh and cornered you to the side of the seat

“How dare you?!!” In no time your hand went on to his cheek giving him a tight slap.

“You bitch! Now I am gonna show you what sluts like you deserve.” he grasped your hand and forcefully pulled you out of the booth.

“Leave my hand you bastard!! leave me!!” you struggled to free yourself.

“Hey hands off her you asshole!!.” Tom growled, you had to admit that you were never this happy to see Tom in your life.

“Oh well, well, look who is here, the lover boy who had knocked you up pretty well." Steve gave a cocky grin.

Tom was raging with anger, he clenched his fists.

“Don't worry dude I'm gonna treat her really good tonight, you know if you wanna join I don't mind at all”

Tom lifted his hand as he punched Steve’s face hitting right at his jaw. Steve fell flat on his face.

“Stay away from her you piece of shit or the next time you wouldn’t be alive to put your dirty hands on any girl” Tom threatened.

You were shivering in fear, pupils dilated as you looked at Steve groaning on the floor. Tom rushed to you. He cupped your face. You looked at him with wide eyes.

“Y/N, are you okay?? I'm here now, don't worry love.” Your vision went blurry.

“Y/N!!!” Tom shrieked.

You fainted in Tom's arms.

...............................................................................

Taglist : To be added send me an ask I’ll be happy to add you in the following chapters.

 @sleepybesson @sophs-library @spideyparkerstark @itstaskeen @milli86 @biebsmylife95 @quaksonhehe @hannahholland1811 @awhollandx @joyleenl @greatpizzascissorstaco @tomhollandsotherpinkytoe @jjandreidsgirl @brighterthanthesunx @marvelpeters @panicattheeverywherekid @onewithnomightypowers @itsnotmeh24  @bitchinwpei @astridcomming @quacksonobrien @prkrholland 

[ourloveisforthelovely]

The Second Time Around: Part 1

A/n: RPF fic. Request fic. A big thank you to @xjjlex for the pre-read! 

Pairings: Elon Musk x Reader 

Summary: Everyone makes mistakes (even geniuses) 

Words: 3, 865

________

Hungover...you felt like death! Death was putting your feelings lightly. You couldn’t even open your eyes for the moment. Puking was the last thing that you wanted to do! Your mind fluttered back to the evening before. Through your hungover state, you tried to think of exactly what happened. You had gone out drinking with a few friends. After a few hits of Jack Daniel everything went fuzzy leading you to your current position. 

You slid your hand onto the bedside table in search of the Advil bottle that was kept beside the lamp. When you felt absolutely nothing, you frowned. Where the hell was the Advil bottle? You literally never changed a thing about your room. Now all of a sudden one of the staples of your existence was missing! You opened her eyes and was immediately shocked. Oh boy, you knew where you were at! You knew this bedroom all too well! 

What the hell were you doing in Elon’s bedroom? After the less than cordial breakup six months ago, you hadn’t heard from the man. Now here you were laying in his bed...alone. 

You snorted at the thought of well the alone part isn’t too unusual. If Elon stayed in bed with you the whole night to begin with that was rarity in itself. 

“Stop it, Y/n!” 

You mentally chidded yourself. The last thing that you needed to be doing was thinking about your failed relationship. You needed to have your head in the game! 

“Oh no….what did I do?”

You muttered as you looked under the cover. Thankfully, you were still dressed in your dark red bra and panty set. 

“Okay...maybe we didn’t do that.”

You muttered again before putting a hand on your forehead. As much as you wanted to have sex with you ex lover again, you were smart enough to know that it was a bad idea all around! After Elon left you for his crazy ass ex, you were crushed. Crushed was putting things lightly! You had been under the impression that you were living in a fairy tale. Elon had literally treated you like a princess then all of a sudden you weren’t good enough. 

Princes do not abandon their princesses….

You had, for lack of a better term, put everything on hold for the relationship. Instead of showing off your talents as Eric Clapton and Pattie Boyd’s daughter,you  were on Elon’s arm at different SpaceX or Tesla events.  

In your mind everything was perfect! You were the happiest that you had ever been! For once in your life, you had some faith in love.  The night the break up happened, you were devastated! 

“Oh, don’t go down that road!” 

You muttered to yourself; not wanting to think about the break up. Like nightmares do, the memory seemed to slam right back in your mind…

“It was a normal Tuesday night. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Elon had been on a business trip for the past week. You expected him back the next afternoon. For the past day and a half you had been spending time with your best friend Jeffree. He had been complaining non-stop about you neglecting him.

You were sitting on Jeffree’s couch when the doorbell rang. Jeffree had gone out to get some food so you had no idea who would be at the door. Getting up, you walked to the door and opened it. You were shocked to see Elon on the other side.  Without much thought, you wrapped your arms around him. You should have known that something was up the moment that he didn’t hug you back. 

“What are you doing back so early?”

You asked, happily. Elon shrugged.  

“I got everything done early. I should have known that you would be here with him.” 

You frowned. 

“Jeffree? Love, you know that he’s gay. You don’t have anything to worry about from Jeffree. Besides, I texted you the day before yesterday and told you that I would be here.” 

Elon rolled his eyes and didn’t move from his place by the door. This behavior was weird. In the months that the two of you had been together he never had a problem with Jeffree. 

“That’s why I am here and we aren’t at my house.” 

You sighed 

“Well, we can go to your house if it's a problem? I am guessing your trip didn’t go well?”

Elon was silent for a moment. He was clearly choosing his words. You waited wondering what in the fresh hell was going on?

“Y/n, I need to talk to you. While I was gone...I did some thinking. This….us...it isn’t working out for me. I think that I want to go back to…”

“Don’t say her name.” 

You hissed. This was the last thing that you expected and now you were crushed! 

“I won’t but I am going back to her. You’re a great girl, Y/n. I really do care for you but we are too different. You’ll make some man very happy.” 

You stood like a frozen statue staring at Elon like you were surveying a bug. His eyes were watching your every move carefully. 

“Y/n?”

He said your name softly. You shook your head as if trying to shake the conversation from your head. 

“You are really leaving me to go back to her? You are throwing away someone  who gets you for someone who wanted to drive you batshit insane? I don’t get it. Is it because of the age difference or something?” 

Elon shrugged again.

“Well…”

You held a hand up. 

“Just go.” 

Elon didn’t wait to be told twice. He turned and walked from the house without another word. 

After the break up, you had turned into a shut in cat lady. All of your friends were worried about your sanity until you threw yourself back into the music game and started producing music again. Half of your friends thought that you were going to stick a fork in a toaster or something. When you went back to working again, they at least thought you were going to make it. 

After reliving the past six months of your life, you slowly sat up and looked around the room. Nothing had changed in the past six months. You didn’t expect it to anyway. Elon didn’t like to make changes if he didn’t have to. 

You debated just sneaking out and not facing Elon. That would be easy enough. His house was big enough where you could stage a James Bond style exit but you would have to face him later. There was also a possibility of sneaking out of the window but the prospect of an ER visit for a broken bone didn’t sound too appealing either. 

You noticed  that your silk robe, from when the two lived together,  was sitting on the bureau by the door along with a bottle of water and three Advil tablets. You lightly chuckled seeing the note beside the medicine

“Take these. Your head will seem smaller.” 

You downed the pills and slid on the robe. It was time to face the music. 

Walking down the stairs, you couldn’t help but wonder why in the world Elon still had some of your things lying around? If he had gotten back with his ex, wouldn't she have a problem seeing reminders of his love affair with you? 

Shrugging off your questions, you stopped outside of Elon’s office door. You sighed. This was the last thing that you wanted to be doing at the moment. If you had to face Elon, you would have preferred it to be in a way other than this. 

“Time to face the music.”

You thought before taking a breath and stepping into his office. Elon didn’t look up immediately when you walked in. He sat less than 15 feet away with his attention clearly focused on his laptop.

“I know you’re there.” 

He said, finally looking up. You walked across the room to close the blinds so the sun wouldn’t burn your eyes out.

“Good morning.” 

He said a little more cheerfully than normal. You nodded. 

“Hey...so how did I end up here and what exactly did we do?”

Elon smirked. He wasn’t for sure why he was so surprised by your blunt straight to business attitude. That was what he liked most about you. You didn’t hold stuff back or try to baffle him with bullshit. 

“If you are talking about sex, that didn’t happen. Even though you were begging me shamelessly to have my way with you. Before that happened, I heard that you were in town and was hoping to talk to you. However, when I did you were totally bombed. I wasn’t about to leave you at that bar with no one but your friend Jeffree to keep you safe. How long have you been back in California?”

You  muttered “eh” under your breath.  Did you want to have sex with Elon again...hell yeah but in the right mind you would have never begged him for it. Were you that easy of a drunk?  Knowing that little bit of information made your cheeks flush.

“That’s lovely! I’ve been back off and on for the past two months. When I’m here I am staying with Jeffree right now until I find a place that I like.” 

Elon nodded. He wasn’t crazy about your friendship with Jeffree.. The dude was a barrel of crazy! He figured that, of all people, you would be staying with him. Did he worry about Jeffree making a move on you, no. Jeffree had been in a relationship with another man for over 2 years. He wasn’t going to throw that away. It didn’t matter if you were a rock star's daughter or not. That little detail wasn’t about to make him stop preferring men over women.

“I see. When did you start drinking?” 

Elon asked. You sighed. This was one of those questions that you knew he would ask. You didn’t drink. After watching your own father battle with a horrible drug and alcohol addiction; you swore that wouldn’t be your life. The last thing that you wanted was to repeat the mistakes that your father made. 

“6 months ago, as a matter of fact.” 

You said, not hiding the snark in your voice. Had it been six months ago and the two of you were still dating, you would have never talked to Elon like that. Now...he was getting whatever you felt like dishing out. He was really lucky that you didn’t ruin his carpet at the moment. 

You were still feeling a little more on edge. Elon sat across the desk blinking. He was clearly taking everything that you said in and made note of your little dig. 6 months ago…he totally got it. This behavior was somehow his fault. 

“What did you want to talk to me about?”

You finally asked. Elon sighed. It was time to eat that crow that he was dreading so much! 

“I miss you.”

You winced before putting a hand on your forehead. 

“Oh Jesus take the wheel...why are you telling me this?”

Elon smirked. He had really missed her sweet sassy charm but at the moment it was a thorn in his side. 

 “Because it's true?”

He questioned. You ran a hand through your messy hair. 

“Where's her name?” 

Elon’s amused expression faded. You knew that expression well. That was the face that Elon made when being called on something ignorant or something that made him look bad. 

“We broke up...again.” 

You nodded. How surprising! You expected that to happen. If their relationship failed the first time then chances were it failed again and here you both were.

“Well, look at that. I guess I should say that I am sorry and stuff…”

“Do you mean it?”

Elon asked. You rolled your eyes. Did he really just ask you that?  You were honestly waiting to wake up and realize that all of this was some sick fucked up dream.

“No.”

“Then don’t say it.” 

The two of you sat in an awkward silence. Were both of you this bad at relationships that neither of you knew what to say? You couldn’t speak for Elon but you blamed your parents for your awkwardness. If they didn’t have the world’s worst relationship then you could have possibly been better at this. 

After a few moments, you stood. 

“Well, this has been fun. I think I am going to change and get going. Thanks for taking care of me last night.” 

Elon followed your action. He was across the room before you  could get to the door. He had your hand in his and looked down at you with a sad expression. That expression! You internally cursed yourself out as you looked up at him like a child. This was that expression that could get him whatever he wanted from you. Was today going to be one of those days or was you going to bail and never see him again? 

“I was an idiot. You’re the woman that I want, Y/n.”

You pressed her lips together. For some reason, you were now fighting the urge to cry. What in the hell was happening? You never cried (at least not in front of anyone). Now here you were about to start acting like a total Mary Sue for Elon to comfort. 

“Then why did you do it?”

You managed to ask. Elon sighed.

“I wanted you to succeed without me. If your career took off people would talk. They would say that you were only successful because I am your boyfriend.”

You were a little startled by the comment that left his mouth. Yes, it was caring. Caring and extremely out of character! 

“Damn it, I was succeeding just fine before you came around in the first place! Since when did you start caring about what people think about you?”

Elon looked down at his feet. He reminded you of an overgrown child at this particular moment. 

“Because I love you...I did you wrong. I realized it that night that I broke up with you. Until that night, I had never had a girl cry over me before. I wanted to say forget everything and take care of you. Damn Y/n, it's all that I can think about! If you’re with me, I know that you are safe. Do you think that I don’t see all of these other guys drooling all over you? It's driving me crazy. We need to fix this...I can’t lose you.”

You stood in momentary silence. This was what you had been wanting to hear for so long. Now that you were hearing it you couldn’t help but wonder if you should just jump back into a relationship. What if things went to hell again? Were you mentally strong enough to put up with another 6 months of misery only for Elon to show back up to woo you off of your feet again? 

“I’m going to have to process this and get back with you. I...uh...yeah...I don’t know what to think at the moment.” 

“We were happy, Y/n.” 

You nodded. He was right there. 

“Yes, we were. I was really happy. You were the first man that I actually loved. Elon, you know how hard that is for me to say.”

Elon nodded. 

“Y/n, we don’t have to be your parents or my parents. We can fix what was wrong.” 

You smiled. 

“Give me 5 days. 

Elon sighed. He didn’t really want to wait 5 days but if that got him any closer to having you back it would be worth it. 

“Fine, I have a business trip anyway. I’ll be back next Friday. That will give you 7 days to decide what you want.” 

Over the next few days, you spent the vast majority of your time wondering what in the world you were going to do. Were you going to be the tough girl and tell Elon to kick rocks or were you going to give him a second chance. You scoffed at your belief of everyone deserving a second chance. From the time you were a child, you were the best person to give second, third, and many more chances to people. The big question was would you be willing to put yourself through a repetitive state of heartbreak?  

Maybe Elon had changed? Perhaps he really did realize that you were the right person for him and his previous actions were foolish? You could only hope that was the case. The smart side of your brain said that was exactly what happened. Elon was blunt. If he didn’t mean something then he wasn’t going to go and say it. 

“Y/n?”

You looked up to see Jeffree in the doorway. He was looking at you with that concerned expression that he had been wearing non-stop since you had told him that you were considering taking Elon back.  

“Hey.”

You said with a smile. Jeffree was your saving grace over the past few days. He sat and listened to you ramble on and on about what your decision was. Thankfully, he didn’t complain when you said that you weren’t taking Elon back only to change that decision five minutes later. 

“I want you to be happy. I know that he made you happy. At the same time, however, I don’t want you to be hurt either. Remember Y/n, I was the one that picked you up off of the bathroom floor that night that he broke up with you.  Elon was nowhere to be found. “ 

His comment had played in your head over a few times as you considered your decision. Jeffree beginning to speak pulled you from your thoughts. 

“I am sorry to disturb your brooding but I think there is something that you should see.” 

You slowly stood from and followed Jeffree into the living room where every flat surface had a bouquet of different flowers on them. Blinking, you looked around a few times before turning to Jeffree.

“It looks like a florist shop in here.” 

“Or a mortuary.” 

Jeffree said idly as you walked around and looked at the flowers. 

“That too. Are all of these from Elon?”

You asked, totally stunned by his gesture. Jeffree nodded. 

“Rocket man has it bad for you.” 

You smirked at Jeffree’s clever snarky nickname for Elon. From the time that the two you had broken up, Jeffree refused to call Elon by name. 

“Yeah, I think that he does. He’s never done anything like this before.” 

Jeffree walked to the couch and sat down. He sighed realizing that he couldn’t see the TV over the largest bouquet of flowers. 

“I guess this earns him some brownie points. Y/n, have you made your decision? He will be turning up soon. I just want to know what to expect so I can...you know...be prepared mentally.” 

You groaned and flopped down on the couch before laying your head on your best friend’s shoulder. 

“I want him back but I am apprehensive at the same time. You know how I have been lately. What if he gets bored with me again? Apparently I am easy to tire of.” 

Jeffree frowned. 

“No you’re not! Y/n, you are a wonderfully lovely person! You deserve happiness. Look, you know that I am not much of a fan of Elon’s but maybe he’s changed. Maybe he’s seen the error of his ways? He went back to that other woman with the kid that you need a graphing calculator in order to pronounce his name and realized that it wasn’t right. I would think that if he was happy with her then he would be with her. I don’t think he would have made our living room look like a funeral home’s floral department if he didn’t care about you. This had to cost a pretty penny.” 

You chuckled at Jeffree’s response. Jeffree took another breath. 

“I just want you to be happy. Follow your heart but take your brain with you.” 

You sat up and decided to go get decent before Elon showed up. 

“All I know is if it doesn’t work out this time I think I will be a lesbian or something.” 

Jeffree chuckled as you walked up the stairs. 

20 minutes later, the doorbell rang. Jeffree stood from his place on the couch and walked to the door. The moment he opened it, he frowned seeing Elon on the other side. 

“Jeffree.”

Elon said casually. Jeffree blinked, trying to fight the urge to say something sassy. 

“I suppose you are here to see Y/n.” 

Elon nodded. 

“Yes.” 

Jeffree moved aside to let Elon walk in. Elon smirked seeing the flowers all over the place. 

“Did she enjoy the flowers?” 

Jeffree nodded. He didn’t want to give the other man a comment but Elon actually deserved it.

“Yes, she did. She smiled a lot, which was nice to see. I haven’t seen her happy smiling face in a long time. You did well...even though my living room looks like a funeral home.”

Elon raised an eyebrow. He didn’t miss the other man’s dig about your “happy smiling face.” Elon had expected something sassy to come from Jeffree. 

“I’m glad that she was happy. So...can I see her?” 

Jeffree nodded and walked to the stairs. 

“Sweetie, rocket man is here to see you.” 

Jeffree had to pinch himself so he wouldn’t giggle at the annoyed expression on Elon’s face. 

“That’s clever.” 

Elon said sarcastically as you walked down the stairs. You had heard the whole exchange and had put a hand over your face when Jeffree called Elon “rocket man.”  

Jeffree looked between the two of you awkwardly before turning and walking to the kitchen. When he was out of the room, you turned to Elon.  He was looking at the kitchen door, clearly glad that Jeffree had left the room. 

“I see you got all of the flowers.”

Elon said, looking around the living room. 

“I think that I got carried away.” 

You laughed. 

“No, I think that they are all pretty. That was very nice.” 

You went to look out the window. It was time to make your mind up and fast! You jumped the moment that Elon’s arms wrapped around your waist. He pressed a kiss to your bare shoulder before snuggling his face into your hair. 

“Have you made your mind up?”

You nodded, enjoying the feeling of his body against yours. 

“I have. Why don’t we get out of here so we can talk alone? I have a feeling that Jeffree is on the other side of the door listening.” 

Elon glanced over his shoulder. The last thing that he wanted to deal with was Jeffree listening to the conversation. This was meant to be private without “little ears” listening. 

“Good idea. Let’s go then.” 

You turned and followed him outside to his car. It was now or never. If there were any doubts in your mind about what you wanted to do then you needed to deal with them FAST….

________

@elonscult- I’m tagging you to see what you think. :) 

[kim-seungmine]

let’s go home together

title: let’s go home together

characters: (fem) reader x i.n/yang jeongin of stray kids 

word count: 4692

genre: slice-of-life, romance, high school au, emo!jeongin i guess

synopsis: jeongin is heartbroken and you’re in love. separated by two different feelings, both of you soon learn about how blurry the line between the two is. 

a/n: i planned this to be longer tbh. nevertheless, here it is! this story is pretty straightforward, i hope you’ll like it! and this is a i’ll hold your hand spin-off so you’ll see some familiar stuff! (you can read this on its own!)

Yang Jeongin doesn’t know why it’s called “broken heart” instead of “destroyed heart” or “ruined heart” because seriously, he feels his heart has been shattered into a million of pieces and the word “broken” will never be able to represent how devastated he exactly is.

Everyone—especially high school students—has experienced at least 1 painful breakup but this is never what Jeongin expected to feel. His English tutor Kim Seungmin said that first breakups always hurt more, but he never mentioned that it would hurt this bad.

“What are you doing here?”

Jeongin glances at his surroundings, narrowing his eyes when he sees you standing at the door, your backpack slung over one shoulder. He’s seen you somewhere he can’t remember, but Jeongin is sure you’re also a sophomore. “Can’t I be here?” he responds with an icy tone that makes you furrow your brows.

“Everyone is welcome here,” you answer. “But you are aware that this is the Arts club meeting room, right?”

“Do I look like I would suck at drawing? Aren’t you guys supposed to support one another because there’s no right and wrong in art?”

You rub your temple. “That was just a yes-no question,” you pause to look at his nametag, “Yang Jeongin. Are you usually this irritable?”

“No,” he sighs. “Sorry.”

You shrug, setting your art supplies near the easel in front of Jeongin’s. “Whatever,” you mumble. “As long as you don’t break things, feel free to come.”

Jeongin has been kicked out of every single club he joined after his breakup for fighting every single person in the room (or court) and almost destroying the baseball club’s bat, but that’s another story for another day.

For now, he just desperately needs a place to make him forget.

It’s been an hour since Jeongin decided to join Arts club, and surprisingly he hasn’t snapped at anybody else but you. Lee Minho, the club’s tutor, looks like he won’t give a shit even if Jeongin burns the whole room down and the other kids don’t even bat an eyelash at him. He enjoys pouring all the rage and sadness he has in him onto the canvas; it almost feels like a therapy.

Minho stops in front of him, examining his work before tapping his shoulder. Jeongin has no idea how Minho ended up in this place. One look at him and he knows Minho will forget everything everyone in this room says in 30 seconds.  “Now Jeongin, our newest member, could you tell us anything about your painting?”

Jeongin takes a glance at his painting (that wasn’t exactly a painting, just bold splashes of colors) as the whole class keep their gazes on him. He knows none of them actually cares and that’s what he wants: being honest without having anyone asking him questions.

“I’m just angry,” he answers. Minho nods, “And you definitely didn’t hold back. Amazing, Jeongin, but I hope you’ll feel better soon.”

Minho’s tone is almost nonchalant, but Jeongin appreciates the fact that the older boy doesn’teven bother pretending to care. Putting all his belongings back into his bag, Jeongin stops when Minho reaches you. “Your turn, Y/N.”

You clear your throat, stealing glances at Minho as you’re talking about the importance of small kind gestures. “So, if you’re wondering why you’re so easily annoyed by small matters, it’s probably because you never really stop to appreciate the little joys in life.”

Minho hums in approval and your cheeks flush a little. “Well, in that case, you opening the classroom for me today definitely made my day better. Thank you Y/N.”

You only respond with a small smile, but the look in your eyes gives everything away. You have a huge crush on Lee Minho, and Jeongin wonders when you will realize that Minho won’t return your feelings. Was his relationship this obvious too? Did other people notice that it wasn’t working?

Was he the only one who was blind?

Life itself is a rollercoaster ride, but the speed doubles when you’re in love: one second you feel like you’re on top of the world, but it goes down before you can even reach out to the sky. It gives you a taste of excitement, of fear, of happiness, but the moment you want to savor those feelings, the ride ends. Leaving you all messy and nauseous.

You love painting, you love getting your hands dirty as you mix colors and swipe your brush on the empty canvas. But not when you have a tutoring lesson in 10 minutes. Seungminnever likes it when you stain the worksheets he prints with so much care although it happens all the time and there’s nothing you can do about it.

“When will your lazy ass hand in homework on time?!”

Your brain registers that voice as Seungmin’s, but you remember e-mailing your homework to him last night. And since when is he calling you “lazy ass?”

“How did you know that I’m here?”

“Maybe it’s time for you to hide your Instagram Stories from me.”

“How much does my Mom pay you? Why are you even more demanding than she is?”

“Enough to drag you back to Busan and make you beg for her forgive—hi Y/N!”

It turns out that Seungmin isn’t scolding you, but the angry boy you just met. Jeongin mouths a quiet, “Ah so that’s where I saw her!” before turning to Seungmin. “Why are you only harassing me?” he quips.

You continue to watch them snap at each other, almost failing to return Minho’s wave as the latter quickly slips past the bickering—they’ve started yelling now—duo. You don’t know why you’re still standing there; maybe it’s because of the way Seungmin returns Jeongin’s snarky remarks with sass you’ve never seen before.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Seungmin.” You tap his shoulder to grab his attention. “I have to go home now.”

“Oh wait!” he exclaims. “I’ve been meaning to tell you this, but next week I’ll start intensive practice for our next baseball match and the schedule clashes with your session. Since you two apparently know each other, can I combine your sessions together?”

Jeongin snorts. “You’re in your last year. Why are you still in the team?”

“There are 2 reasons. One, nobody is a better pitcher than I am and Seo Changbin is desperate. Two, I want to do it.”

“When’s your session?” you ask Jeongin when he’s about to start another war with the older boy. English looks like an easy subject, but it really isn’t. You’re not a top student, and you don’t want to lose Seungmin. He’s a great tutor and also a dependable big brother you wish you had.

“Every Thursday.”

“I’m free on Thursdays, so it’s fine.”

Seungmin lets out a sigh of relief and pulls both you and Jeongin to his sides. “Let me buy you dinner, my children!”

Ten minutes later, you’re munching Subway’s meatball burger while listening to Seungmin’s so-called lecture about moving on. “Don’t force yourself to move on. What you’re doing right now will only hurt yourself more,” he says.

You prop your elbow on the table, watching Jeongin’s expression hardens as Seungmin takes another piece of French fries. Talking about feelings with your English tutor and a boy you barely know feels rather weird. Usually you just hop from a circle of friends to another without really being a part of them. Feelings never get involved, except maybe with Minho.

“I’m fine. I’m over her,” Jeongin emphasizes, squeezing his paper cup as he downs the rest of his Cola. “Can we please talk about something else?”

“What did she say to you?”

The idea of separation confuses you more than the idea of falling in love. It’s not entirely because of the person leaving you—you’re used to that—it’s about the feelings that linger. You’ve never been in an actual relationship, but you know about heartbreak all too well. When your best friend from the orphanage you live in got adopted, you felt it. The pain of being left behind. Then someone else left and you felt it again. Soon, it became a routine.

The exact same feeling, with the same amount of pain, but nothing more.

Jeongin huffs, glancing at Seungmin who nods in approval. “Nothing. She just said that she doesn’t like me anymore… which is bullshit. I must’ve done something wrong.”

“Is she dating someone else now?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Maybe that’s all there is to it. She simply doesn’t like you anymore.”

Seungmin clears his throat, patting your hand as a sign to stop talking. “How is that possible?” Jeongin counters.

Seungmin is now gripping your wrist, but you ignore him. “People get bored, Yang Jeongin. Even parents get bored of their children. I’ve seen people returning the children they choose by themselves before the adoption is finalized just because they don’t feel like it anymore.”

“What she means is—”

“You mean I’m boring and not likeable so I should just shut up because she was bound to dump me anyways?”

“Why do you always make conclusions before people finish talking?!”

“But you said it yourself! You, who don’t have a boyfriend or even a friend of your own!”

“Stop it, both of you.”

The tone of Seungmin’s voice, people’s stares and the suffocating silence that follows immediately shut you up. You gather your things, blinking your eyes rapidly so no one will notice that you’re crying. “I’m sorry,” you quiver. “Forget everything I said. And thanks for the burger, Seungmin.”

Jeongin’s words keep playing in your head as you’re catching the last train, and you realize that you have nowhere and no one to come home to.

Seungmin is already waiting in the library when Jeongin shows up. “Where’s Y/N?” he questions.

“Please don’t give me that look,” Jeongin dismisses him, opening his laptop. “I tried, okay? I tried going after her but I couldn’t find her.”

“We’re not starting until Y/N is here. I’m responsible for both of you, but you have to apologize for being such an asshole last night,” Seungmin states. There was a time when Jeongin thought being an asshole sounded cool, but now his heart just feels heavy.

“Have you ever been an asshole to someone?” he asks, almost too quiet for Seungmin to hear.

“I don’t know, does liking your best friend’s soon-to-be girlfriend count?”

“You’re supposed to be my life guru but you’re asking me this basic question?” Jeongin scoffs. “Liking someone is never a crime… as long as you don’t make a move to steal her or anything. Does this girl like Hwang Hyunjin? Or Han Jisung? But no way, Han Jisung only has eyes for Lee Chaeyeon.”

“Bingo,” Seungmin sighs. “And how do you know my friends so well?”

“Hi guys. Sorry I’m late.”

Jeongin looks up, meeting your puffy eyes. You look like you cried yourself to sleep and he makes a mental note to actually apologize to you this time. He’s not an asshole, especially when he’s had firsthand experience of being hurt (and dumped).

He quickly pulls out a chair for you, trying to make his intention to make peace crystal clear. “I went to sleep straight away last night. Sorry I didn’t do the homework,” you tell Seungmin who only smiles at you. “It’s fine, Y/N. We’ll go through it today.”

“I’m sorry.”

Jeongin cringes when he hears his own voice because it’s supposed to sound calm and sincere, not desperate. “I’m gonna sabotage the class for 5 minutes,” he informs Seungmin before turning to you. “I’m taking back everything I said last night. I know what’s done is done and you probably won’t believe me, but it’s not true. And thank you, for being honest with me.”

You glance at Seungmin who’s looking at you as if you’re about to burn Jeongin to ashes. “I’m not gonna kill him, Seungmin. Don’t worry,” you chuckle, and soon the three of you are laughing like there’s no tomorrow.

“I think it’s better if you find out now than later. Maybe it hurts less this way.”

No, it fucking doesn’t. Being rejected before you actually confess still hurts just as bad. Probably even worse. Does Minho hate you that much? Are you that annoying that Minho decided to straight up reject you when you haven’t planned to tell him about your feelings?

How did he know anyways? Was it because you baked him cookies that one time? Was it because you recommended him to your teacher when the school needed a new tutor for Arts club? Was it because you bought one of his cats a new collar?

…. damn. You were obvious.

Now, hidden near the parking lot, you’re crying your heart out—ignoring your ringing phone. Getting rejected sucks, but it’s still nothing compared to having a break down in front of other people. You hate crying in public; you swallow everything up and become one of the toughest students at school.

But you’re nowhere near tough, you’re just too stubborn and too prideful to let people see your true self.

“You’re really something, aren’t you?”

You look up—with bloodshot eyes and runny nose—to see Jeongin hovering over you, hands on his hips. “Out of all places you could choose, you chose to cry behind these bushes. You really think no one will hear you if you’re wailing here?”

“Shut up,” you groan. “How did you know that I’m here?”

He rolls his eyes. “I told you. Everyone can hear you sobbing from a meter away. For someone who wants to stay hidden, you’re loud.”

His face turns a little pale when you bury your face into your knees again. Jeongin crouches down, brushing fallen leaves on your head before cupping your cheeks. “Let’s go home.”

Yang Jeongin isn’t your friend. Well, both of you are in the Arts club and he’s also in Kim Seungmin’s English tutoring group, but he’s not your friend. You two just happen to have helped each other a little, and seeing that he no longer punches anyone or anything in his way means you must have done something right.

Yang Jeongin isn’t your friend, so how does he make you feel better with just a simple phrase?

“Why? Do you want to do something else? Cake? Movies? PC Room?”

You shake your head, letting him pull you up. “Do you even know where I live?”

“Nope.”

“What if it’s faraway from your place?”

He shrugs. “Doesn’t matter. We can still go together, can’t we?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Jeongin lets you lead the way, swiftly enveloping your hand in his when you start sniffling again. “Was this the first time you got rejected?” he asks, as if the said event happened a long time ago. He cracks a smile when you scowl at him. “Stop making fun of me.”

“I’m not!” He lifts his hands in defends while still holding yours. “Trust me on this, you’ll feel better after you talk about it,” he continues. “So go on, talk about his pretty eyes, his sexy thighs—”

“Are you sure you’re not the one having feelings for Minho?”

“…his powerful, soulless stare that opens the portal to another universe, his zero interest in teaching us arts because let’s face it, he’s a shitty tutor.”

You’ve been heartbroken for 30 minutes, but you can already see how it weakens you. The fact that humans can be so easily swayed always scares you, but you don’t want this moment to end. You want to stay like this, walking to the bus stop with Jeongin’s hand wrapped around yours in a tight grip and talking about nothing else but Lee Minho. You want to keep looking into his sparkly eyes as he listens to your rambles. You want to remember his soft voice convincing you that beautiful days will come soon.

Jeongin probably means none of them, but all the words he says sound like a promise, like a seed planted inside your heart.

Whether it will bloom or not, you have no idea.

Whether Jeongin is a rebound or a new love, you have no idea.

At least not yet.

grumpy: im outside

Nothing really happened during your way home. Besides trying to make you stop crying, Jeongin didn’t do anything—only holding your hand until you arrived at the orphanage. He played a game of soccer with some of the little kids before heading home without saying a word to you. No scolding, no snarky comments, no words of encouragement, nothing.

But now, standing in dark, wearing his pink Converse, he’s something and everything you need. Before Jeongin can say anything, you’ve run to him and wrapped your arms around his waist. You expect him to push you away, or at least yells in shock, but he only returns your hug. When you begin to sob into his shirt, Jeongin presses a kiss onto your hair.

“The power that Lee Minho has,” he finally whispers. “He made our Ice Princess cry like this.”

“I never said anything about Minho. Were you really following me?” you croak, trying to look into his eyes before he hugs you even tighter. The moment you hear his calming heartbeat, he begins to ramble about how “ungrateful morons” like Minho deserve nothing but a middle finger. Jeongin whisper-yells all kinds of curse words he knows in your stead, occasionally rubbing your back everytime you seem to shiver in his hold.

When he eventually pulls away, you’re a mess. Being with Minho makes you feel light and giddy—away from your worries. Being with Jeongin makes you feel the exact opposite; he keeps you on the ground like gravity, reminding you that the world is often harsh and unwelcoming. Strangely, you can’t get enough of it. Of him. Whatever his real intentions may be.

“Why are you here?” you blurt out, chuckling when he fails to answer. “Do you pity me that much? Or do you just want to welcome me to Yang Jeongin’s Broken Heart Club?”

“Do you really like him that much?” he asks instead, sparkly eyes clouded with something you can’t fathom.

The question remains unanswered until you wake up in the morning, his voice echoing in your head.

As much as he wants to be good at saying goodbyes, Jeongin has to admit that it’s something he’ll never get used to. Whether it’s saying goodbye to his family in Busan after every visit, saying goodbye to his big brother when he enlisted, or even saying goodbye to a stray cat he meets outside his house.

Jeongin hopes the next time he gets his heart broken, he won’t end up this pathetic.

Seungmin is graduating today after getting into Seoul National University, living up to his “perfect, almighty Kim Seungmin” nickname. Saying goodbye to his English teacher shouldn’t be hard, but Jeongin’s heart hurts a little at the thought.

He spots you from afar, carrying a huge painting you both made the night before. Jeongin jogs to you, taking the painting into his arms. “I hope no one laughs at it,” you mutter quietly.

“I think people will be scared,” Jeongin laughs. “It’s a puppy wearing uniform for God’s sake. What do you expect?”

You huff as you enter the auditorium filled with parents, teachers and the graduates themselves. “And whose idea was that?”

Jeongin grins, putting down the painting at the corner of the room before ruffling your hair. “Mine.”

Your eyes light up at his cheekiness, and he realizes nothing scares him more than having to say goodbye to you.  

“Today’s our graduation day, and I kept debating with myself whether I should do this or not.”

Jeongin stands on tiptoe to see the stage better, gasping when he spots Seungmin standing there.

“Thank you to our headmaster for letting me do this.” Seungmin stops to bow at the headmaster, causing everyone to do the same. “I know I don’t usually sing, but I’d like to perform this for all of you: for those who want to let go, for those who want to start fresh, and for those who just want to have fun. This is First Time.”

Seungmin’s sweet voice bewitches the whole auditorium, including you. Jeongin watches you intently, his smile gets wider with each “Whoa!” that escapes your lips. At times like this, you look like an innocent child who only knows the beauty of the world.

“Kim Seungmin has gone insane,” he comments, letting his shoulder brushes with yours. You glance at him, your lips slowly forming a pout. “Why? He sounds good.”

Jeongin points his finger at another girl in the crowd who’s singing along to the song with Hwang Hyunjin, one of the most popular seniors at school. “This song is for that girl,” he explains. You widen your eyes when you let the lyrics sink in. “He’s… breaking up with her?”

“Are you kidding me? He has no chance against Hwang Hyunjin.”

“Where did you get this information?”

“The perfect, almighty Kim Seungmin showed up at my uncle’s house at 3AM and begged me to let him weep over his one-sided love in my room.”

There seems to be a lot of things you want to say, but now Han Jisung has joined Seungmin on stage. You cheer along with the crowd, singing along to the lyrics while trying not to cry. Jeongin averts his gaze back to the stage so that you could cry freely. He meets Seungmin’s eyes at some point, and Jeongin wonders when Seungmin learned to say goodbye with such sincere eyes.

“Do you think Seungmin will be okay?” you mumble when the song ends. Seungmin and Jisung give everyone one last bow before running down the stage, carefree smiles on their faces. Jeongin ponders your question, looking for the familiar ache he himself has been feeling for months.

It’s gone.

“He will,” Jeongin finally answers. “Maybe not now, but he will.”

“I assume that you guys know I won’t ever hang this in my room. Or anywhere in sight.”

Seungmin examines the painting you and Jeongin give him, grimacing as he tries to brush off the dry paint on the dog-slash-human’s face.

“Jeongin did that,” you retort. “Actually all of this happened because of him.”

“This will give me nightmares,” Seungmin protests with a huge smile on his face. This won’t be the last time you see Seungmin because he will always have time for a Day6 concert and so will you, no matter how many part time works you have to do in order to go. Even so, you still have tears rolling down your cheeks which makes Jeongin pouts.

“I can’t believe you’re crying over Kim Seungmin.”

Seungmin smacks his back playfully. “Awww, is our baby jealous?”

Jeongin flushes deep red and Seungmin yells at his friends to wait for him. “I have to go,” the latter says solemnly. “Don’t kill each other. I know how much you kiddos wanna kiss each other so do just that, okay?”

“I’m gonna kill him instead,” Jeongin mutters under his breath as Seungmin leaves. His sharp words jab at your heart, harder than Minho’s words and it makes you feel everything you’ve been trying not to feel for the past few months.

“Jeongin.” You tug on his sleeve, looking down when he searches your eyes.

“Does Seungmin graduating really made you this sad? He’s only a phone call away and he loves you more than he loves me and—”

“I didn’t like Minho that much,” you whisper. Jeongin gapes at you, pulling you closer to him as you fumble with your skirt. You lift your head up to see him trying to stop himself from grinning, tightening his grip on your wrist.

“Minho volunteered at the orphanage a year ago, and he still comes often now. When everyone found out we go to the same school they introduced him to me. And being with him was so easy. He was nice,” you tell him.

Jeongin scoffs. “Well, define nice.”

“Why did you stay in Arts club?”

His silence gives you more courage, so you look directly into his eyes this time. “I bet you wouldn’t last 10 minutes if the tutor was someone else,” you conclude. “It was the same for me. Minho never pities me although he knows where I came from; he never even looked at me in pity. That’s probably because he doesn’t care—”

“You’re right, he fucking doesn’t. The most soulless creature in this universe.”

“... but it made me comfortable. I feel comfortable around him. But I guess that’s it.”

“You, meanwhile, make me feel all kinds of things. At first I thought it was because Minho rejected me, but the more I see you the more I realized that it’s not just me looking for a rebound. You confront me, but yet you’re always here somehow. Whenever you didn’t show up at tutoring session or club meeting I became worried. When I don’t see you I’m always wondering whether you feel better—because you deserve to feel better. Your breakup doesn’t define you, Jeongin. Well, you like to cut me off when I’m talking and you’re really annoying sometimes, but other than that, you’re cool.”

“Minho doesn’t like me that way, and while it hurt I got over it pretty fast. “Losing” Minho didn’t affect that much, I’m used to goodbyes anyways. But I’m afraid that I’m gonna lose you, and I think that says a lot about how I really feel about you.”

You take a deep breath, your cheeks starting to blush as Jeongin only stares at you in shock. He squeezes your hand after what seems like an eternity. “I have a confession to make,” he declares. “I hope this won’t ruin things for us but promise me you’ll listen, okay?”

“I did pity you. I know you don’t really have close friends although you do have a lot of friends. Your feelings—or whatever you call it—for Minho were so obvious and it was also obvious that he didn’t feel the same. I gotta admit that made you look pathetic.”

“But I was even more pathetic anyways,” he quickly adds when you pinch his waist. “I tried to stop myself from doing… everything I’ve done, but I just couldn’t stop myself. I did happen to hear your conversation with Minho and I did follow you then, but it was because I felt that my heart broke along with yours. And you cried, goddamn it. I hate seeing you cry.”

“That was why I came to see you again that night, but you cried even more when I was there. I’m not sure if I helped you feel better.”

“You did. I slept well that night,” you say.

He smiles, causing you to poke his dimple. “I’m also afraid to lose you, Y/N. This is cheesy, but I want to see you smile everyday—especially if you smile for me. I want to go home with you everyday, I want to play with the kids at the orphanage while they tell me about how amazing you are. I like you, and I want you to be happy, I guess. And I want to make you happy, if you give me the chance.”

Both of you are blushing like mad now, facing each other awkwardly, but you don’t want to change anything. This is worth all the blushing.

The shyness eventually subsides and now Jeongin’s looking at you with a teasing glance. He pulls you into a hug, kissing your temple tenderly when he thinks nobody is watching. “Let’s go home,” he mumbles. “Together.”

You snort into his shoulder. “You’re saying that as if we live together or something.”

“Home is wherever you are, babe.”

As cheesy as that sounds, Jeongin’s probably right. The two of you found each other in the most confusing time of your lives. And in this big, scary world, having someone to come home to is one of the most beautiful blessings a person should cherish.  

[imaginesandideas]

Too much love will kill you

(part 3 of LOVE OF MY LIFE series; check out my masterlist for previous parts)

this one’s longer because I made all of you wait way too long

I'm just the pieces of the man I used to be

Too many bitter tears are raining down on me

I'm far away from home

And I've been facing this alone

For much too long

Last week was by far the most irritated with everything he remembered being. Every rehearsal has ended up with him either smashing his drums or starting a fight over whatever bullshit that could likely piss him off.

It could be anything. From Deaky’s sassy comments, through not enough cigarettes in the pack, Freddie being late, or a broken drumstick in the middle of recording.

Everything seemed to get on his nerves, and though others wouldn’t admit it, they were slowly losing their patience too.

“Roger darling, maybe you should just go, have a shag and relax. Cooling down won’t kill you.” Freddie exclaimed from the piano as Roger kept kicking his bass drum, in an attempt to focus.

“Oh fuck cooling down! I can’t play when I’m calm!”

“I’d like to point out that we haven’t recorded anything decent in a month, so clearly your rule doesn’t apply.” Deaky spoke coming up with 2 cups of coffee, one for himself, one for Freddie, at which Roger flipped him off with a huff. He knew they were right, but was far too proud to give in.

Nothing helped him to brush away the painful feeling in his chest. Seeing you has awakened some sort of bittersweet feeling that he’s been keeping hidden for the sake of carefree life. And there you were, glowing, shining even. So unaware of the pain you’ve caused him, so sweetly naive. Though he couldn’t blame you, after all he never said he got over it, maybe he just assumed you’d notice that he’s trying to be better. Better for you.

After hours of pointless sitting without achieving neither consensus, nor a single well recorded minute, Miami; with Brian’s help, dismissed Roger home. He wasn’t so happy about it, feeling as if he’d been betrayed, but decided it’s a chance for him to possibly get some sleep without those nagging thoughts he was getting at night.

Throwing his jacket and keys onto the sofa he gazed around the living room. If you could have seen that mess, you’d probably break up with him again, he thought.

Empty glasses and bottles were covering almost every piece of furniture, some of them were even scattered on the floor. Not to mention cigarettes. Horrendous amounts of them. He didn’t even think about opening the windows to let some fresh air in until that moment.

You would do that. You would force him to leave that smoky room every once in a while. You would care about getting things cleaned up. So maybe, just maybe he could do that for himself too.

Thinking about you again made that bitterness in his stomach sink even deeper, to the point of making him feel sick. Opening the balcony, he slowly stepped outside, dusty city breeze hitting him immediately and providing some sort of severe relief.

The sky was pretty grey, clouds covered the entirety of the skyline. Some kids were shouting from afar, sounds of water splashing from the neighbours’s pool.

Not looking away from the sky, his right hand wandered to the back pocket of his corduroy burgundy trousers. You hated them. You hated when he was smoking too, but since you two weren’t together anymore, he stopped trying to quit. And stopped caring so much about his appearance too.

He lit the cigarette and placed lighter he had bought on tour in America on the parapet.

Yeah, maybe he could get better. But it seemed so impossible when you weren’t the reason to.

Torn between the lover

And the love you leave behind

You're headed for disaster

'Cause you never read the signs

Too much love will kill you - every time.

He’s given you every proof that he still loved you, that he still couldn’t stop thinking about you when all you did was try to forget.

And it felt like shit. You were feeling like a traitor for making such a selfish decision, for leaving him, for giving him back your engagement ring. For putting him in your past, when in reality all he ever wanted was to be present in yours.

It was during the nights, when your mind wandered to the day of your breakup two years ago, when you had decided to end it all. The wind was blowing outside your window, not letting your thoughts drift away with sleep.

It was almost funny, how despite having a new partner, the one you planned to marry, all you could see was the look of sorrow on Roger’s face. The glistening of his disappointed eyes, the restlessness written in his brows and clenched jaw, his hollow cheeks and plucked lips, slightly open and almost trembling from the amount of emotions he’s been dealing with.

All because of you.

The more you were recalling, the more details you noticed. The more self doubts you were having.

“Brian? Umm, it’s _____.”

“_____! Long time no hear, huh?” It was past 4pm when you decided to call the person you knew and trusted enough with your concerns. You fiddled with flowers in the flacon as you thought of words to say. Brian was Roger’s long time friend, one of the best friends even, so without a doubt your whole plan was risky. Especially with the aftermaths of yours and Roger’s last meeting.

At the same time, who else could help you if not his best mate.

“Yeah, sorry if I’m interrupting! And... for not giving a sign of life for so long.” Your nervousness was clear, Brian didn’t need to see you to realize how difficult it was for you to call him. And it kind of broke him.

“No no! I actually just got back home, so you chose the right time.” Brian’s voice was so soothingly reassuring. Unbelievable how you two haven’t seen each other in a year or so, but he still managed to keep that friendly manner of his. Almost if nothing has changed. “It’s great to hear you.” A genuine smile appeared on your face and you could only wish he was able to see that.

“You too Bri. Still building guitars and destroying schemes?”

“Trying to.” He laughed. “Umm...What about you? I heard you’re, uh, stabilising soon?”

“He told you, right?”

“Well. It was hard not to hear when he forced everyone to listen to his drunk rambling one day.”

“Oh god.” You sat heavily on the sofa and exhaled over the phone. On the other side Brian leaned himself against the counter. Some time ago he’s promised himself not to get too engaged in Roger’s life choices and decisions. But even if he acted the opposite, he was more than devastated once he had found out about your broken engagement with Roger. “What did he say?”

Brian rubbed the tip of his nose with index finger as he struggled to choose the right words.

“That, uh... apparently you’re getting married and he didn’t realize it was for real until now.” Even if Roger never said that out loud, he kept his faith that one day you’ll change your mind. That it’s just a phase of yours, and that you need time. In a way, he was right. You did need time. But you no longer needed him. Or so you thought. “And that he, uh, he still loves you, which frankly speaking actually explains a lot of his recent behaviour.”

You took a deep breath. Back then, when you had decided to pack your bags and move on, you had thought that the hardest part is already behind you. What you did not expect, was Roger’s inability to let go. And that was leading you back to something you hoped to remove from your perfect breakup scenario. Doubts.

“Brian... I’m so sorry, I-I don’t even know what to say.”

“Oh! No need to apologize me _____. I shouldn’t even get involved in all this. This is your life after all.”

The phone line went silent for a while, none of you really keen on adding anything, mainly cause there was nothing more to add.

It was inevitable - no matter how much you wanted to avoid it, you had to talk to Roger.

“Um, I mean, you’ll do whatever you decide, and I’m sure you won’t regret it, but could I give you advice?” Brian’s voice was filled with both concern and care, something so brother-like.

“Of course Bri! God knows I need it...”

Brian chuckled at your words, but continued with serious voice. It sounded almost sad.

“Let your heart decide. I know how hard it is, I know you’ve been hurting, but remember those lessons and learn from them. I’m not going to convince you to anything, just know that sometimes rationality is not the best advisor. You’re strong _____. But don’t give up your vulnerability in order to keep it.”

You quickly wiped a tear that ran down your face with the back of your hand.

“Thank you Bri. I think I needed that.”

“Take care _____. And call more often! We all miss you.”

„You too Brian. Miss you all.”

That night you didn’t sleep. Your mind wandered elsewhere, through time you’ve lost, the one you saved, the time that was gone forever and the one that was ahead of you.

Like a twist of fate, your fiance was away so you’ve spent the night alone. Figuring out what to do with your indecisive heart.

~~~~~

next chapter in the works, so hopefully I won’t make you all wait as much next time!

(Comments, ideas and words of notice are always appreciated 💜)

SERIES taglist: taglist: @laubluered @ceruleanrainblues @rogersfalsettos @shae-is-not-ok @i-am-sarah @magicwithaknife @isabella-bby

Roger Taylor taglist: @rogersdrumkit @rogersfalsettos @erinhardytaylor @cyborgfromthesupermarket @sabbrriiinnaa @wolverinesbeer @simplyvictoria-93 @imamazzellhoe @shishterfackisback @rogerstambourinee @rockyroadthepastryarchy

(lmk if you want to be on/off the taglist!)

[tamarastevie]

Beauty and the Broken Hearted Beast

Pairing - Chris Evans x Reader.

Words - 1071.

Gif(s) are actually mine.

"Good god Y/N, just be fucking honest with me and stop using the same excuse every god damn fucking time you're late, at least be a little bit more creative!" Chris yelled at his girlfriend, Y/N after she tried to sell him some bullshit excuse to why she was late for their date for the 3rd time in a row.

"I'm not lying to you, Chris. It's not my fault nobody at my job never fucking listens to me and I wind up doing everything on my own!" Y/N spat back.

"Save it. I-I'm done with you. I'm going to Scott's," Chris said, grabbed his jacket and keys and walked out the door, slamming it loudly.

Y/N broke down in tears and slid down the living room wall, clutching her knees to her chest, sobbing noisily.

It's been 3 weeks since Y/N last saw Chris. He had come while she was at work and gathered his things. When she returned to the now empty apartment, her eyes watered once again but she tried to hold back the tears, failing miserably. She walked over to the living room table and saw that Chris threw all the albums they together and all the pictures they've taken over the years. Y/N decided that this was not she was gonna lose her most loved person.

Y/N called Scott and told him her plan. Despite Chris' and Y/N dispute, Scott and her remained friends. "So, Scott, what's your opinion on the matter?"

"As much as I wanna be on your side Y/N/N, I think Chris is right. Sorry babe."

Y/N let out a sigh and decided to cave in, "Fine, okay, whatever. What can I do to bring him back, Scott? I miss him like crazy. He moved out," she choked out the last part of the sentence.

"Apologise, call him and say you're sorry. Do something to show him you love him. Take him to Disney land, hell, rent the entire place just for the two of you. Kidding, even Trump can't afford that. Propose to him! I don't know Y/N, do something to prove that you still love him and aren't afraid to let the whole world know. But not really cause the media will eat you both alive. You get my point, right?"

"You sure talk a lot, Scott but I got it. Thank you! Love you, hun!" Y/N hung up. Afterwards, she grabbed a piece of paper, a pen and sat down to think. To think how will she get Chris back. She scribbled: 'How to win Chris Evans' heart 101', underlined it and began writing all kinds of things she knows Chris absolutely loves. After she got her plan ready, she started executing it.

"Pick up, pick up. Please pick up the phone Chris... Com-" "Hello?" Chris answered on the third ring, "Chris! It's Y/N. I need to talk to you, please!" "I have nothing left to say to you, Y/N. I told you I'm done with you." "I know what you said but please, if you'll come by our place at 7, I'll explain everything. Chris, please, I'm begging you!" "There is no our place anymore. And there's nothing left for you to explain. Goodbye, Y/N."

After he hung up, Y/N didn't know whether she should continue with the plan. Chris never said he wasn't gonna stop by. She decided to go as planned.

Meanwhile, Chris was a broken mess. He didn't know what to do with himself so he decided to talk to his best bud and brother and for the meantime roommate, Scott, "Scott, what do you think I should do?" Scott, who was present for both sides of the story, knew how much Chris loved Y/N and vice versa. He knew that their breakup was over the dumbest thing in the world because they had bigger fights and went through all the lies the media had been spreading. Scott, who knew what Y/N's plan was, decided that Chris should stop acting like a child and get back together with the love of his life, "Go over there, man. You know you miss her. You know this breakup is so fucking stupid. You also know she misses you too. Go to her, Chris."

Chris got up from his seat on the white leather couch that was placed in the middle of Scott's living room, grabbed his keys from the wood coffee table and headed out the door. Scott messaged Y/N and said Chris was on his way.

"Oh god, now? That's too soon!" Y/N muttered to herself as she began to hurry up. No later than 15 minutes later, a knock was heard at the door. Chris still had a key to the house but decided that it wasn't his place to use it since he doesn't live there anymore.

Y/N opened the door and Chris was astonished. The living room was covered in lit candles and rose petals on the floor. Although that wasn't what amazed Chris the most. What did shock him was that Y/N was dressed in a banana coloured dress, her hair all dolled up. She looked exactly like Belle from Beauty and the Beast, one of Chris' favourite Disney films. Y/N had to pull Chris inside by taking his hand. She also had to close his open hanging mouth.

"Wh-what's this?" Chris finally managed to blurt out.

"This is my way of saying I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything, Chris. I miss you like crazy. When you slammed that door, I couldn't hear it shut, just the sound of my heart breaking. I'm sorry I was late on our dates. When you came back for your things and I wasn't there to see you, I was devastated. I was hoping to see your face again. I'm so glad you're here now," she began tearing up.

Chris took hold of her hands and caressed her knuckles, "I'm sorry too, baby. I never meant to hurt you like that. Let's not break up over this stupid shit again please."

Y/N just smiled in return, wiping her tears away. Chris wrapped his hands around her neck and brought his lips to hers in a needing, loving kiss. Y/N took Chris' hand gently and led him to the bedroom after breaking the kiss.

"Where are we going?" "I'm gonna show you how much I missed you and how much I love you," Y/N bit her lip seductively and swayed her hips as she went. Chris smiled brightly because he knew he was in for a good time.

[abdicatedarchive]

the aftermath || chase and marina

𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐍: chase’s house // 7th of february 2021.

𝐅𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐔𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆: chase x marina.

𝐓𝐑𝐈𝐆𝐆𝐄𝐑𝐒: none?

𝐃𝐄𝐓𝐀𝐈𝐋𝐒: chase is devastated by his breakup with gabrielle, and marina comes over to comfort him.

@chasinwaterfalls: single :( not by choice 🤡🤡🤡

DMs: @marinaholly: you okay? maybe a quest can help!

DMs: @chasinwaterfalls: biggest quest I am doing is moving from the couch to my bed

DMs: @marinaholly: :( what happened?

DMs: @chasinwaterfalls: she dumps me all the time, but i think she was actually serious this time, she hasn't talked to me in a few days

DMs: @marinaholly: im sure everything will work out. i can come over if you want?

DMs: @chasinwaterfalls: i am a mess, but please do

DMs: @marinaholly: omw

Chase usually kept a pretty clean house, but there were dishes crowding the sink and bags of trash waiting by the door for him to take out. The maid usually came by once a week, but he had told her to go away this morning. He was too ashamed to have her clean up his mess. He had been watching Bachelor re-runs of his favorite seasons for the last two days, and eating whatever he felt like ... if he did feel like eating. He had sweatpants on and a big baggie hoodie, just becoming one with the couch.

Marina decided to stop by a connivence store and grab a bunch of candy for Chase in hopes that it would cheer him up a bit. She also snuck a bottle of wine from her house, hoping her mom wouldn’t catch on. Though Marina was technically the one to do the breaking up in her relationship with Kyle, she was very familiar with heartbreak. Once she got to the Hale’s property, she made her way over to Chase’s house and knocked on the door. She would have dressed up a bit more, but it was Chase. She was comfortable being around him in the casual clothes she was in.

Chase heard the knock at the door and called out loudly, "ITS UNLOCKED, COME AND MURDER ME!" Chase felt beyond exhausted to begin with. All his friends were so happy right now, and the break ups usually didn't last ... but this one felt more real than the others. He hadn't even seen his daughter in a few days, he had just been absorbed by the couch. "Hey Marina" he said looking over at her, not moving his body at all.

Marina opened the door and noticed how messy the house was. He usually kept it pretty clean, but she understood how it could get to this state considering the fact that he just got dumped. They had been together for so long, this must have hurt so much. She was in a groupchat with Gabrielle and Juliette, but she hadn't mentioned anything yet. It was actually pretty quiet in there recently. Marina made a mental note to clean the place up later. She headed to his room and walked in slowly, "Hello. Deliver for Chase Stephens." she said as she held up the candy and wine. "How are you feeling?"

"I feel like death" said Chase, realizing he had not brushed his teeth in a hot minute. "I will be right back, make yourself comfortable in the depression crevice." Chase headed off to his bathroom to go brush his teeth and quickly came back, "Okay now I'm not completely disgusting" said the boy as he plopped back down on the couch, "You want to watch the bachelor?" he joked as he turned the TV off. Chase put his head in Marina's lap, "Thanks for coming over here, the guys just don't get it. They're all way too happy right now."

Marina frowned at her friend and sat down on the couch as she waited for him to come back. "Well we could if you want." she said, trying to keep the mood as positive as possible. "Whatever you want, I'm up for." she nodded once. Marina looked down at Chase once he laid his head on her lap. She automatically began to run her fingers through his hair, it was just something she did a lot to Kyle. "Of course." she spoke softly. "Do you want to talk about it? Or maybe I could talk to her for you? I don't want to make anything worse for you though."

Chase sighed as she ran her fingers through his hair, "I know we're gonna get like ... back together at some point. There was a lot of crying, and she was really mad and I was really mad. I think I did the breaking up in the end, but she definitely started it" Chase rambled, "It just sucks because she just ... she fucking keeps me on the line all the time because she knows I'm going to come back to her". He was weak like that. He loved her so much, and he would do anything for her. It had all just become too much. "It's just bullshit, because when we started dating in the 8th grade, I wasn't really wondering things like if she liked what I liked or anything like that. She just thought I was funny, and that was what made me happy. That I could make her laugh, and I love her laugh. Like I seriously love it, but I just feel like other than that we have nothing in common sometimes. Like there's this huge disconnect."

It hurt to hear Chase say that Gabrielle simply knew he would come back to her. Marina was in a very different situation, it almost felt wrong to try and find some common thread between his relationships issues and hers since she was the problem, but sometimes she felt that way. That no matter what Kyle did, who he hooked up with, she would go back to him in heartbeat. It was just a matter of when he'd actually ask her to be his girlfriend again. She settled for what he was giving her right now. "Don't let her have that hold on you. It doesn't seem right for her to treat you however she wants because she knows you'll go back to her. That's just not fair." she tried giving some kind of advice, but it was hard. "Maybe you both could try getting into each other interests? I mean, if you want to try and fix things with her. Like, maybe bring her to a LARPing session. That might be fun." she suggested with a small smile.

The missing piece of the puzzle was of course that Chase and Gabrielle had a kid together, and he lived there. That's what made it all messy, and made him love her just that much more. Chase shook his head when she suggested he bring Gabrielle along, "She doesn't even like dressing up for sex. Closest thing she'd ever do to Larping is she dressed up for Halloween" he replied. They had argued about it a bunch, and they didn't even do a couples costume. "It just doesn't make sense, because she does the costumes for the theatre department. It has to do with the fact that she thinks her dressing up for me is like ... me imagining her as someone else. Which is bullshit, it's just having sex in a character. It's fun, I'm ... I'm fucking assuming. I haven't gotten to try it. I'm off on a tangent, please just tell me to shut up."

"Oh. She won't even try it out once? I've also heard it's fun. Haven't tried it out myself, but here's to hoping one day I could." Marina raised her shoulders and laughed under her breath. She wasn't sure if her ex would be into that, she hadn't brought it up to him before. "No you're fine. Rosie & I go on tangents all the time. We get so off track, it's insane." she smiled, thinking about how chaotic her and her sister's conversations could get. "Plus, it's good to get it all out. You said you couldn't really go to the boys about it, so I don't want you to hold back." she told him. "Have you ever talked to Gabrielle about this? That you feel like there's a disconnect between you both?"

"What am I gonna do, say hey babe. You don't like anything that I like and that sucks. It's just gonna hurt her feelings if I talk like that, I can just keep doing what I do and slowly showing her stuff until she finds something she likes. Not that it matters right now because we're done currently" Chase continued on. He felt like he was putting a lot of weight on Marina, "I'm sorry for being so angry, I'm just so frustrated and I'm tired of crying. I'm ... I'm ready to be mad" he added.

"Well I know she doesn't have to like the things you like, but she could always be supportive of it? Maybe that's not the word." Marina shook her head, trying to find the words. "Like with Kyle, he's super into music. That's his life. I'm terrible with all of that, but I would always go see him perform wherever it was. Even if it was for the marching band back then, I just liked going for him. It made him happy. I would even ask him to teach me how to play something every now and then even though I knew I wouldn't catch on." she explained with a dumb smile on her face as she thought back on those times. "Our interests or hobbies could be a very big part of who we are, so I get why you're frustrated." Marina shook her head as Chase apologized, "Oh please, I'm the last person you need to apologize to for being angry. If you need to get mad, get mad." That wasn't the best advice, but Marina wasn't very good herself at controlling those type of emotions.

"And that's really sweet of you, but music is cool and entertaining even for people who don't participate. She doesn't want to hear me explain my comic books or show her my action figures" said Chase, cooling off a little. He sighed as he sat up to face Marina, "It just sucks, because in a few days she is going to have some guy over and I'm going to hear about it at school, because that's what always happens. One time they were in the pool and I saw them flirting and whatever right in front of my house. I've kissed three people that weren't her in my entire life, and she's had sex with other people" said the boy, "and then we're going to date again and I'm going to have to think about that, and it's ... it's just all shitty. Do you want to watch a movie? I feel like a movie would make things better. I need to distract myself"

Marina nodded her head as she listened to Chase. She understood where he was coming from, but she always enjoyed hearing people gush about the things they were passionate about, though she kept that comment to herself. This wasn't about her, or making Gabrielle look worse, this was about Chase right now. "So why don't you try getting with someone? Maybe it'll take your mind off of it." Yet again, not great advice, but Marina was naturally a very jealous person and liked to make things even. "We could watch a movie. What do you have in mind?"

He looked at her when she said that he should try to get with someone, he immediately had a horny idiot boy thought about being with her. He shoved that thought straight out of his mind, that would be so chaotic and messy. She was his best confidant, and the only person in town that wasn't Jonah that shared all his interests. They had a LARP campaign together, it was a dumb thought. Chase turned to Marina with a smile, "Why don't we ... simply just watch all the bring it ons?" Chase loved the bring it on franchise, "I have all the DVDs don't worry" he said, getting up and opening up the DVD cupboard, pulling all the disks out. "Obviously I don't own a physical copy of cheersmack, but we don't need to watch that anyways" he added with a laugh as he put in the first disk and came back to the couch to sit next to her.

Marina noticed that Chase didn't comment on her suggestion and she quickly regretted bringing it up. If he wanted to get back together with Gabrielle, it was best to not try and mess anything up. She also couldn't help but feel like a bad friend towards Gabrielle. Marina was definitely closer to Chase, whether his ex-girlfriend knew that or not, but she was slowly getting closer to Gabrielle through Juliette. She didn't want to ruin anything. As he began to speak, she could have sworn he was going to suggest that they do something together, something physical. But he brought up watching Bring It On and it caused her to let out an awkward laugh. She was almost embarrassed for thinking that. "There's never a wrong time to watch Bring It On. We can definitely pass on cheersmack. The only good thing about that one is Imogen from Degrassi and Christian from Dance Academy." she said as she passed him the candy she bought him.

"Stoppp, don't say Dance Academy to me. Now I'm either going to have to watch the sammy death reactions on youtube or watch the whole show over again" Chase said with a laugh as he took the candy and opened it up. "You're the best, you know that right?" he said as he passed her the open box.  "Did you want wine? I also have some here if you don't want to get in trouble with your folks" Chase added as he got up to go get them two wine glasses and the bottle opener.

Marina sank into the couch once Chase mentioned Sammy's death, "Oh god, it gets me every time. But I will happily watch the whole show over again with you. Rosie and I haven't watched it in so long." She looked over at him with a proud smile, flashing her teeth in his direction. "I try my best." she stated before taking some candy for herself. "Nah don't worry about it. It's already out of the house, I've accepted my fate." Marina and her mother had been getting into more arguments lately, whether it was from her constant fights at school or her frequent partying. One more fight won't make much of a difference at this point.

"I cry like a bitch, I will be honest" said the boy, smirking a little at the admission. He put the glasses over by them and opened up the wine bottle, pouring two big glasses. "Are you cold?" he asked as he passed her a glass and held his own, "I have some big blankets". The movie was already playing, but it wasn't like they were really going to miss anything. They had both already had seen it so many times. Chase pulled the blanket up over the both of them as he sat next to her. "Cheers" he said as he clinked his glass to hers and started drinking. He kept thinking about what she had said though, that little voice at the back of his head. Telling him to get even with her, level the playing field. Maybe he should ask her to tell Gabrielle that they did something, that was stupid though. He had gotten caught in that lie last time.

"Aww I'll make sure to bring some tissues so you can wipe your tears." Marina teased the boy, as if she doesn't also cry like a bitch over the character's death. She grabbed the glass and nodded her head in response to his question, "A little." Once the blankets were over them, she unintentionally scooted a bit closer to him. It didn't mean anything, she was just a fan of cuddling. Who could blame her? "Cheers!" she repeated before tapping her glass against his gently and taking a big sip. As she was taking her sip, she noticed the bracelet she gave him for Christmas on his wrist. "Hey, nice bracelet. You get that from someone? They must have great taste." she joked with a grin on her face.

Chase was immediately comforted by Marina sitting close to him, he was just so used to cuddling with Gabrielle during movies if she wasn't chasing their kid around. Chase was taking a sip when she asked about the bracelet, "Oh this old thing? Had it forever, cute girl gave it to me in another life" he teased back. Chase wondered if he was pushing some kind of boundary, he would have acted exactly like this when he was dating Gabrielle. Maybe he would have sat a little further away, but calling her cute was nothing new. He felt like he was making up the tension that was building for him.

Marina's small smile grew as Chase mentioned the girl being cute. No matter how insignificant it was for him, comments like that meant a lot to her. She needed to be told something like that to actually believe it, just for a little bit. Hearing it from Chase felt a little different though, maybe it was just the fact that she was particularly lonely right now, but she tried not to think too hard on it. "From another life and you're wearing it now? She must be real special then." she continued to tease him. "I got a feeling you mean a lot to her too."

"My writer thought it would be good for continuity if I wore it across all multiverses" Chase teased as he broke the fourth wall. "Oh is that so" said the boy as he took another sip of wine, the movie playing out in front of them, but neither of them were paying any attention. He was just making eye contact with her and smiling. He knew that he was going to go crawling back to Gabrielle, but something about this made him want her to come crawling back to him. Something about the way she was looking at him.

"Very smart of them." Marina giggled as she nodded her head. "Mhm." she hummed as she shifted a bit to be facing him more directly. "I get why too. You just seem to draw people in." she said as she looked into his eyes. She should have held back and just continued watching the movie, but she couldn't stop. Part of her didn't want to stop. "It might be the hair, it's powerful." she said with a smile. "Or maybe it's that biiiig smile of yours. Very cute." she told him as her eyes travelled down to his lips.

This was most definitely a signal, and this was his only chance. If he blew this he would never kiss Marina Hollingsworth. Not that he had really thought about it at all until right now, but he definitely wanted to. He wanted to pull her in for a kiss, but let's face it. He's a bottom and a whimp. There was no way this girl actually wanted to kiss him, she was just naturally flirty. So was he. "You have that effect on people too" said Chase, staring at her mouth. He was still thinking about kissing her, but he just didn't have the balls to do it.

Marina found herself inching closer and closer to him as he spoke. Any thought of being a good friend to both Chase and Gabrielle went straight out the window. They were both in weird situations with their relationships. But that was the thing, they both weren't in relationships right now, they were free to do what they want. "Yeah? Do I have that effect on you?" she asked as she looked up to his eyes, their lips almost touching at this point.February 9, 2021

He knew he shouldn't be doing any of this, first things first ... she was a teammate. Second thing, she was his larping teammate. Third thing, she was definitely friends with his ex on some level. Fourth thing, she was one of his closest friends. Fifth thing, Chase put his hand on the nape of her neck and pulled her in to kiss her slowly and softly as he put his wine glass down on the table.

Marina closed her eyes as she felt his lips on hers, moving in her closer to him as he did so. She shouldn't have let it get this far, but she was too into the moment to stop. This would be something she'd worry about later, not right now. Marina placed her glass on the table beside his before wrapping her arm around his neck and slowly moving her hand up through his hair.

Chase was sure he should stop, but he couldn't bring himself to. He put his hands on her hips to guide her onto his lap. Chase felt like he should say something, "Is this okay?" he asked under his breath. That was such a stupid thing to say, why did he say that. He was so embarrassed, her put his lips back on hers before she should answer.

Marina placed her hands on Chase's shoulders as she moved on top of him. She was about to answer when he immediately went back to kissing her. It caught her off guard, but she pulled away to speak anyways, "Is this okay?" she asked back. "Should we stop? Do you want to stop?" she asked quietly, her nerves were slowly kicking in. She was worried she was doing something wrong or wasn't pleasing him in some way.

Chase looked up at her and put his hand on her cheek, "You are so hot, it's kinda making me stupid" said Chase honestly. His brain was cloudy from all the crying and sleeping he had been doing for the last few days. His body definitely wanted Marina, that was more than evident. He just didn't want to use her, and he knew he would be with Gabrielle again. "Do you want to keep going?" he asked.

Marina couldn't help but smile at Chase's comment, it slowly eased her tension. She was so fragile when it came to her self esteem. Anything could set her off, but simple compliments fueled her confidence. She needed this kind of distraction anyways, they both did. "Yes, definitely." she said sweetly with the nod of her head before going back in to kiss him slowly.

She said definitely, his whole body relaxed a little. She wanted to do this, and Marina wasn't just doing it out of pity ... well at least not entirely. She put her lips back on his and he moved his tongue into her mouth for a while as they kissed. When their lips parted, Chase knew he was putting his foot in his mouth, "Just two friends, doing very good friend stuff" he replied nervously, "You can shut me up anytime".

Marina cupped the sides of Chase’s face and moved her body up against his as they continued to kiss. She looked at him with a small smile on her face as he spoke again, she couldn’t help but find his nervous comments endearing. “You do this with all your friends? Now I don’t feel so special anyone.” she teased him before kissing down his jaw and to his neck.

This with Marina, it felt like Chases first time all over again. That same nervous excitement, it was an intangible high that he had completely forgotten. He had never done anything like this with anyone. Yeah he had kissed Chanel and ... Thalia. But this was so different. Chanel Hampton was beyond beautiful and very sexy, but that was very transactional. The only rush he had gotten from it was the feeling of getting under Gabrielle’s skin. This? With Marina? It was life giving. “Me and Jonah every Monday night mid clone wars” said Chase, a little out of breath as she worked her way down his neck, letting out a little laugh from the joke and because it tickled.

Marina was quickly becoming more comfortable with all of this. She always felt like she needed to be the best at everything she did, but being around Chase was a breath of fresh air. When she LARPed with him, she never had those worries and that sense of comfort was transferring over to this moment. “That’s some stiff competition.” she continued on with the joke. “But I don’t like to lose.” she told him before sitting up straight and removing her shirt. Marina couldn’t tell how far they were taking this, but her confidence was kicking in again and she didn’t want to hold back. She leaned forward once more to give him a hickey right on the side of his neck.

Chase was going to make a comment about how Jonah is a straight up stud, but when the girl took her shirt off his mind went blank. “Wow, wow” said the boy. He knew it was stupid to say, but he honestly couldn’t control his mouth when hers was on his neck. Chase was aware she was leaving a hickey, but he honestly was going to need the reminder that this wasn’t a dream. “Do you want to go to my room?” he asked as he put his lips on her neck, moving down slowly to the exposed skin.

- Fade to Black - 

[bigmysticmood]

RFA + V + Saeran breakup with MC? Make it as angsty as possible, yes?

Name spoiler in 707′s

Zen

You noticed him becoming a bit more distant with you, but you never thought he’d actually dump you.

“MC… I just…… It’s not working out. I don’t feel the same way about you now that I did when we first met.”

“What…?”

He was quiet for a moment, but then he said those words that you were so scared to hear.

“We should break up.”

“A-Are you sure…?”

He brought his arms closer to the rest of his body, then nodded.

“Yes. This relationship isn’t working. I don’t love you like I used to and I think you deserve better than that. It’d be better for both of us if we stop seeing each other like this.”

When he saw the tears in your eyes, he added, “I hope we can still stay friends.”

You gasped. You love him. You love him so fucking much. You’d never want to loose your best friend, but he just broke your heart without any regret? And? He wanted to stay friends??

“Hyun….” You couldn’t think of what to say. You were too focused on not crying, but failed in the end. Once the tears started coming, they didn’t stop.

“B-But…..” For a little bit, you both sat there. “I love you….” You said quietly, knowing how pathetic you must sound to him.

“I know.. I ju-”

“You know!? Then how the hell are you so emotionless while saying this? If you want to ‘stay friends,’ how the hell can you break my heart and not care?!”

Zen only stared at you. You’d never yelled at him before, and he’s never seen you cry so hard. Sometime during your outburst, your hands ended up on top of the table. Zen’s fingers lightly brushed against yours after he saw that your hands were shaking, but you quickly jerked away from him.

“If you wanted to be my friend, you wouldn’t hurt me like this.”

When you got back to Rika’s apartment that night, you couldn’t stop crying. You never really liked staying there in the first place, but now that you were there because you couldn’t sleep in Zen’s bed, it felt even worse.

Jumin let him have it.

Yoosung

You weren’t about to let some sloppy kiss Yoosung shared with some random at a party destroy your relationship with him.

You knew he was a lightweight, so he got drunk pretty quickly. People do stupid shit when they’re drunk. You remember Zen telling you about one time you got really drunk and gave him a lap dance.

But one night as the two of you sat together to eat your takeout, you asked him about it.

“MC, you know I’d never try to hurt you, right?”

“Yoosung…. Of course, but-”

“Then you know that I didn’t kiss them to hurt you… and I’m not trying to hurt you with what I say next.”

“Wha-”

“MC, I want to break up.”

“O-oh.”

He refused to make eye contact with you for a bit, but when his hands balled into fists and he brought his face up to look at you, your face was blank. You were too shocked to react.

“MC…?”

“Why?”

“We’re different people than when we met. We don’t get along as well anymore and… I don’t know… I just don’t feel like we work out together. I’m not happy like this.”

Your thumb began to play with the ring on your left hand.

“You don’t love me anymore..?”

“No, MC. I just-”

“It’s fine.”

He wasn’t able to say what he wanted, because for some reason, his brain wouldn’t attach to his mouth. He just sat there stuttering as you cried.

“I’ll be back in a while I guess.”

“MC, I’m not kicking you out. You should s-”

“Trust me, you don’t want to be under the same roof as me for a while.”

You knew there was a limit to your calmness, and you preferred to not let him see you when that limit was reached.

You slowly unlocked the front door, but turned around to grab his hand before you walked out. You slipped the ring that you’d taken off of your finger into his hand, and closed his fingers around it.

You didn’t want to burden anyone, so you figured that going back to Rika’s apartment was your best bet.

You couldn’t stop wondering what you did wrong. What you could have done to make him so unhappy with your relationship.

When you looked down and saw the naked part where your ring was for so long, the tears started up again. You had a tan line where the ring sat; that’s how long you were engaged. How long would it take for it to go away?

When you woke up in the morning, you didn’t have the energy to do anything besides stare at the ceiling.

After a few hours of not moving, you finally reached for your phone.

Nobody was online, so you figured it’d be best to see what you missed now, rather than have to talk to people.

As soon as you logged on, Yoosung did the same

Yoosung☆: “MC! I’m so glad you’re on!”

Yoosung ☆:“When are you coming back home?” 

MC: “No.” 

Yoosung ☆:“No?” 

MC:“No.” 

~707 has entered chatroom~ 

707: “…” 

707: “Why are you at the apartment, MC?” 

Yoosung ☆:“MC, can you call me please?” 

MC:“No.” 

Yoosung ☆:“No?!” 

MC:“No.” 

707: *??? emoji* 

707: “Lover’s quarrel?” 

707: “Is MC back on the market? lolol” 

MC:“Ya”

707: *shocked emoji* 

MC:“I got dumped lolol” 

Yoosung ☆:“MC, it wasn’t like that!!” 

MC:“lol it doesn’t matter whether it was “like that” or not.” 

Yoosung ☆:“???” 

MC:“You shouldn’t have proposed to me if you ever had any doubts about it. If you were ever going to take it back,” 

MC:“You should have thought about it a little better.” 

Yoosung ☆:“MC…” 

Yoosung ☆:“I’m going to call you… Please answer” 

MC:“lol” 

MC:“No.”

MC:“If you weren’t ready to try to talk it out and fix it last night, I’m not sure that a couple hours is going to make a difference.”

Yoosung ☆:“MC, please.”

~MC has left the chatroom~

Yoosung ☆:*angry emoji* 

Yoosung ☆:“Seven, I messed up.”

Jaehee

About a year after you started your business with Jaehee, your cafe stopped doing so great.

Every time you wanted to buy something that wasn’t food or some other 100% necessary thing, it was “not in budget.”

You understood Jaehee’s logic, but if it was going to create so much tension, maybe you guys should just cut your losses and close the cafe.

“Ugh, MC….” Jaehee sat with you at a table, surrounded by papers and a calculator. “I think we need to end this.”

You let out a soft sigh and began to get up from the table.

“You’re right. We can come back to this in the morning with fresh minds.”

“No, I mean permanently.”

You immediately put your butt back into the chair. “Oh.”

“And,” She sighed and pushed some hair out of her face. “Not, just, the business….”

“What…. What are you trying to say?”

“I think we need to cut our losses with this business and with this relationship.”

“Ah… I understand the cafe, but… I personally thought the relationship was going pretty well.”

“Well… MC, I’m sorry, but I don’t want to try to repair this relationship. I’ve lost interest in you. I hope you can find someone better suited to you.”

You let out a little laugh, trying to cover up your devastation.

“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me! Jaehee, we’ve been through so much shit together and you’re dumping me? Like nothing? Regardless of what state our business is in, we started it together! Does all of that mean nothing to you now?”

“MC, I’m not undermining anything you’ve done for me or anything we’ve been through together. I’m just no longer interested! Please understand what I’m trying to say.”

“What you’re trying to say is that once things stop working out for you, you want to drop it all and run. I thought that I was important to you.”

“That’s not-” She brought her hands up to rub against her temples. “You’re taking this to an extreme that I never meant for it to come to. Perhaps we should just get some rest and come back to this when we’re not so tired and frustrated.”

“Do you think that you’ll feel differently about it when we do come back to this?”

“Uh,” She wanted to entertain the idea to avoid seeing you too hurt, but she didn’t want to lead you on and hurt you worse. “no, MC. This is something I’ve thought about. I wouldn’t say something like this without having given it a lot of thought. It’s not anything that we can repair. I’m simply not interested in being with you anymore.”

“Shit. Alright. Okay. That’s- That’s bullshit, but okay. We can figure out what to do with the cafe and everything else in the morning.” You leaned back in your seat, rubbing your eyes, trying to keep your tears in.

“MC-”

You quickly wiped a tear off your face. “I’m fine.” You sniffed a bit. “Go to bed. I’ll sleep out here.”

You made your bed on the couch, but you couldn’t stop the tears.

After about an hour, you got desperate. You opened up the alcohol cabinet, grabbed whatever had the highest alcohol percentage, and went to town.

At some point during the night, you got too hot and wanted to go outside for some fresh air, but ended up calling Seven in a drunken haze.

He listened to you cry for half an hour before you fell asleep on the floor outside.

Jaehee had to literally pick you up and drag you back inside after she realized that you weren’t sleeping on the couch.

Jumin

Jumin started reverting to the way he used to act when you first met him, but it felt like such a severe change because of how quickly it happened.

He just sort of dropped it after dinner one day.

“MC, I’m breaking up with you.” were his exact words.

“W-what?”

“Do I really have to repeat myself?”

“N-no. I just… Why?”

“I think we can both find better people. People who better suit our needs.”

“Are you saying that I don’t suit your needs?” He only shrugged. “Fuck, are you serious??”

“Of course I am. Why would I say something like this if I wasn’t serious?”

“What- Why are you being like this??”

“Being like what,MC?”

“Like… Like a cold, emotionless douche! Jumin, I know that you’re not a robot and I know that you’re not an asshole, so why are you acting like this?”

“MC, I’m still a bit lost.”

“Jumin, you know damn well that you’re breaking my heart.”

“That was not my intention-”

“Shut the fuck up. You knew what you were doing the moment you even thought about breaking up with me.”

He started to talk over you, probably just to try to get you to lower your voice. He only made you louder in the process.

“You know that you can’t force me to love you, MC?”

“Obviously. But would it kill you to show some emotion?! Or at the very least stop acting like you don’t understand what’s going on!”

“I’m being completely honest with you, MC. I don’t know why you’re making this such a big deal.”

“You don’t know wh…. Did you ever actually love me? I guess I’d understand if your feelings just faded, but is there not even a little sliver of emotion you still hold for me, Jumin?” He didn’t say anything.

“Oh my god.” You let out a laugh as tears began to stream down your face. When he saw you crying, his frown became a bit more genuine, but he did nothing to try to comfort you. “Oh my god.”

You grabbed your coat and started walking towards the door.

“Where the hell are you going?”

“Do you really care, Jumin??”

“Of course-”

The door slammed in his face.

You couldn’t help but sob as you passed the security guards and completely dismissed Driver Kim as he offered you a ride to wherever you were set on going.

You stopped by a gas station and grabbed a bottle of cheap Vodka, then went over to Rika’s apartment in hopes that you could crash there for a bit.

You already had a six missed calls from Jumin when you finally got around to checking your phone, and the chatroom notifications were going off like crazy.

You took a couple of drinks straight out of the bottle, immediately hating yourself for it.

After an hour, you lost a game of will and went into the chatroom that was currently going.

Zen and Jumin were fighting, presumably over the current situation involving you. 

~MC has entered chatroom~ 

MC: “You two aee really goin at it huh?”

ZEN: “MC, you’re okay!” 

Jumin: “I presume you got to your destination safely?” 

MC: “Safely” 

MC: “Ya” 

MC: “Like u rly care tho lol” 

Jumin: *… emoji* 

ZEN: “So now that you’re both here and we know that MC is okay… An explanation please?” 

Jumin: “I already told you. MC took something I said too far. It’s just a case of her being overly dramatic.”

Jumin: “Everything will be okay again in the morning, I’m sure.” 

MC: “I got fuvkign dunped lolol” 

MC: “That’d what happpened” 

MC: “I’m not beinh overly dramatic,” 

MC: “Cold n douchey Jumin is bavk. Zen, u reserve the right ti complaain.” 

ZEN: “MC are you drunk?” 

MC: “lol ye” 

Jumin: MC, you are safe, right?” 

MC: “ye” 

ZEN: “Seriously MC, you’re safe?” 

MC: “I’m at hte apartnrnt.” 

MC: “RikAs” 

ZEN: “Good. Don’t leave. If you’re too drunk to type properly, I don’t want you around men like that.” 

Jumin: “MC, please don’t do anything stupid.” 

MC: “sh.” 

MC: “If u nevr cared abt me before, u don’t get to stary now” 

ZEN: “Dude” 

ZEN: “Did you seriously say that you don’t care about her?” 

ZEN: “Of course I didn’t.”

MC: “I asked n he didn’t answr” 

MC: “Silence = confirfmantion” 

MC: “Anyway” 

MC: “I’m feelinf a liiitle sleepy” 

MC: “See u later”

~MC has left chatroom~

Chatrooms and RFA parties were definitely awkward after that because you two never actually made up.

The whole thing just hovers over everyone’s shoulders and they try their best to ignore it.

707

He started acting really weird out of nowhere.

Just, one day he wasn’t comfortable with you touching him and he stayed as far away from you as possible.

It scared the shit out of you because everyone remembers the last time he tried to push you away, 

One day, he told you that he thinks you should move back into Rika’s apartment, just for a little while. He said he wanted to “take a break.”

“For… how long?”

“I don’t know.”

“So… You’re just.. Kicking me out and you don’t know for how long?”

“MC, don’t make it like that.”

“I’m not making it like anything. I’m asking for clarification. Is this a permanent thing?”

“If it is?”

“Then I’d like to fucking know, dude!”

“God, okay. I was trying figure out if we should separate permanently. That’s why I wanted something temporary; so I could think! But with the thinking I’ve gotten done lately, a permanent breakup is what it’s looking like.”

“You…. You’re fucking kidding?”

He didn’t give much of a response. He only shrugged.

“Are you…. Is this not even difficult for you?! Why have you been so desperate to get away from me lately??”

You could tell that he was struggling with something and trying to keep his emotions under lock, but he wasn’t doing very well at it.

“Don’t you want to try to work this out instead of pushing me away?? What we have is too valuable to just throw away!”

“I agree with you, MC. That’s why I said I wanted time.”

“Saeyoung, we have to talk this out and work together. Pushing me away for the sake of ‘more time’ is not going to help…. But you should know that.”

“Why are you trying to fight me on this?”

“Why am I trying to…..? Saeyoung!? Because I love you! I don’t want you to push me away again!”

“I don- Too bad. Go home.”

“Home? This is home.”

“No it’s not.” His tone got firmer and he turned away from you. “Go. Home.”

V

The relationship the two of you established together was never the best.

He was too caring to tell you that he wasn’t satisfied with you, but you could always tell. 

During an argument one night, he let it slip that he could never love you as much as he loved Rika.

Your expression went blank and he was suddenly scurrying to fix his mistake, but you weren’t having it.

“I just can’t believe that you’re really that dissatisfied with me… If you could really never love me as much as I love you, why did you ever lead me to believe it?! Why didn’t you ever decide that maybe giving me this false hope was a bad idea??” You were on the verge of tears and you’d forgotten what you were arguing about before.

He kept trying to climb out of this hole that he’d dug himself into, but there was no way to fix this.

“You’re right…. You’re right and I’m so sorry.”

“You can’t apologize your way out of this one, V.”

“Then I won’t. MC, I’ve lead you on for too long already. I hope you understand that I never meant to do this maliciously; I really hoped that stronger feelings would develop. I’ll stop leading you on right now.”

“So, are you breaking up with me?” He nodded. “Thanks. It took long enough.”

You left his house before you started crying too hard, after he was done trying to convince you to not do anything regrettable, and thought of where to go. Your actual home was a good option, but there was so much to do in Rika’s apartment.

Once you got to the apartment, you entered the chatroom currently going with Seven, V, and Yoosung.

MC: “Seven, do me a favor?”

707: “What can I do for you, MC?”

MC: “Turn off the special security system for me.”

V: “MC? Come back to my place. We can talk. I told you not to do anything you’d regret.”

MC: “I kept out of the shit in this apartment out of respect for you, Jihyun.”

MC: “I’m sick of the secrets and I’m sick of the lies.”

Yoosung ☆: “MC, you should stay out of Rika’s stuff. She had the security system put in place for a reason.”

707: “Yeah. MC, I can’t turn off the special security system. You know that.”

MC:“Well I’m not gonna let that stop me.”

707: “MC, you know what happens if you open the drawers.”

707: *explosion photo*

MC: “Yes.”

MC: “Are you turning it off or not?”

707: “MC, I can’t.”

MC: “Okay.”

V: “MC, just come back. I’m sorry. I’ll come pick you up.”

Seven immediately got an alert on his phone and computer, stating that the Special Security System had been activated.

A few seconds after that, he heard an explosion come from a few miles away, and then emergency vehicles after that.

707: “I can’t believe she actually did it.”

Unknown

“You’re boring. You can’t give me what I want. I don’t know why the Savior wanted you here. Why did I want you here?”

As he began to walk past you, tears began to well up in your eyes. You’d gotten used to the emotional abuse by now, but something about this was different.

“You used to be exciting, MC. You used to be obedient and beautiful, but now…. I have no use for you now, MC.”

“W-what? What is that supposed to mean?” Your hands were shaking.

“Ah, now that’s what I like to see. Too bad you waited this long….”

“Saeran, what are you talking about?”

“I’ve grown tired of you. But don’t look so sad. I’m sure The Savior will have some use for you. You may still prove to be a great asset to Mint Eye.”

[im-so-cold]

So I guess I’ll go into details about my relationship issues

tw: emotional abuse, manipulation, self harm, suicide baiting

If there’s any other triggers that I missed, please let me know

So this all kinda starts in 2017

I was in middle school, my parents were very rarely home and it was incredibly uncommon for them to interact with me at all unless it was to tell me to do chores or to scold me about something, mental struggles were starting to hit HARD, I felt like my friends didn’t care about me anymore, and I wanted to feel like I was loved by someone, so I decided to talk to strangers online.

One day I decided to go on Kik and join one of the public groups. It was just a regular group for people to hang out and chat, or that’s what I thought it was. As soon as I joined there were guys privately messaging me. They seemed like they just wanted to be friends, so I decided to talk to them. They kept calling me things like “sweetie,” or “cutie,” and would tell me about how beautiful or sexy or cute they thought I was. Of course, since I was a dumb child who was desperate for affection, I thought this was all completely normal, I didn’t realize that grown men shouldn’t be saying this stuff to someone who they knew was basically a child. More and more adults started privately messaging me and again, I thought nothing of it. Many of these people would send me messages telling me about how much they loved me or whatever, and I enjoyed that. I enjoyed finally being told that I was loved, even if it should’ve been clear to me that they didn’t care about me, they just wanted something to wank to. After a while, the people claiming that they loved me started asking me for nude photos and sending photos of their own. When I told them that I didn’t want to send pictures like that, they pulled the typical bullshit of “but don’t you love me?” “I’ll love you forever if you do” “this is what love really is” and lots of other disgusting shit that I didn’t realize was manipulative as fuck. Again, me being a dumb child, I thought that this was fine, and I gave in. Of course, after some time it became clear to me that they didn’t really love me at all, and they just wanted something to fantasize about putting their dick in. Eventually, my parents found the messages when they were going through my phone one day and I got in a shit ton of trouble. They told me about how awful I was for doing what I did, and it was only recently when I finally told one of my friends about what happened that I realized that it wasn’t my fault like I had been told.

After all of that shit, I stopped seeking love from strangers online. There was a girl at my school who I had a huge crush on (I’ll refer to her as “Z”), and I decided that I would finally tell her about how I felt. Z told me that she felt the same way towards me, and we decided to go out with each other

I was seriously fucking head over heels for her. I really, truly loved her and I had for quite a while, so when we finally got together I was unbelievably happy. After just three days though, she decided to break up with me. As you could probably imagine, I was devastated. I won’t go into much detail since I’d still rather avoid talking about it. But it involved me saying and doing a bunch of fucking stupid bullshit, both of us threatening to kill ourselves, and me cutting myself. This all happened in early November, 2017

It was late December/early January and I got a text from her. She wanted us to get back together again. It only lasted a week or so.

This happened a few more times, every time saying she was going to/wanted to kill herself or hurt herself.

One time she broke up with me because she felt that she needed to focus on her family more since both of her parents had cancer, and it was especially bad for her dad. I told her that that was okay and that I completely understand, and I did, I really did. I completely supported her decision, even if it hurt me. I would be here for a long time, but as far as we knew, she didn’t have much time left with her dad. She said that we could still be friends, and I was happy with that. She started acting really weird the next few days, like she was upset with me. I asked her was was wrong and she said that I lied to her. I asked her what she meant. Apparently I lied to her about being okay? So of course, that really fucked with me

It was March, which is when shit started to get really bad. One day she messages me, saying that she wants to exchange nude photos. After what had happened, I was afraid to say no. She wasn’t able to handle it (which was not her fault at all, I’m not trying to blame her for that), and she decided to break up with me. One of my friends was going to be having a birthday party which both Z and I were invited to (this friend was C, who is now my boyfriend). After Z and I’s breakup, she tells us that she won’t be going to the party. The next morning she sends me a bunch of messages about how she’s planning on killing herself, so I freak out and decide to call 911 because I didn’t know what else to do and I was afraid that she might actually do it. Police arrive at her house, they talk to her, her mom is glad that I did something to help Z because she had no idea what was going on.

Fast forward later in March. It’s my birthday and I have C and one of my other friends (who I’ll call D) there with me. C has been pretty clearly expressing his affection for me but I was too oblivious to notice at first. D jokes around and says that she thinks he has feelings for me and stuff, we cut a cake with a sword, C has to go home because his parents don’t let him stay the night with friends, D stays at my house, leaves the next morning, and C comes back over. That was when I finally realized that he liked me when we just sat on my bed and he hugged me for the entire time that he was over here, and I started to feel the same way towards him that he did towards me. I could tell that he really, genuinely loved me. I wasn’t just some pretty boy for him to look at. I wasn’t some sort of emotional dummy for him to take out all of his frustrations on, I was a person with feelings, and he really, truly loved me.

After C left, I get a message from Z and my heart instantly sank. She wanted to go out with me again. I told her that I still needed time to heal after what all has happened with us in the past. She told me that I’d still be able to heal with her and that she needed me. I knew that i should tell her no, but after everything that has happened, I was afraid to turn her down, so I accepted. Of course, I couldn’t heal. She only talked to me when she was putting herself down. Whenever I would tell her about my problems she would just say something like “yeah, welcome to my world.” Often times she looked at me like she wanted me to just die already. After everything that happened and not being able to emotionally recover, all of that stuff just fucking destroyed me. One day during lunch, D sees me sitting in a corner and crying. She comes over to me along with the principal and asks me about what’s going on and I told her everything about what’s been happening to me lately. The principal gave her and I one of the conference rooms for a little bit so D could talk to me in private. She told me about how fucked up the things that Z has been putting me through were. She told me about how toxic our relationship was. She told me about how I deserve so much better, and that when she sees me suffering like that, it hurts her too. D told me that I needed to break up with Z, and that’s what I did. I worked on writing out my message to her, since that would be the easiest way for me to get my point across to her and I didn’t know that it’s considered to be rather fucked up to break up with people through text since that’s the only way anyone had ever broken up with me.

“I’m sorry, but we need to break up. I feel like you’ve been annoyed with me and ignoring me a lot lately, and when you avoid me like that, especially when we’re in a relationship and you said that you loved me, it just really hurts me. I told you that I needed time to heal so that I wouldn’t risk hurting you, and I didn’t tell you this at the time out of fear that I would look really selfish, but I also needed that time to heal so that if something like what’s been going on lately were to happen, it wouldn’t completely tear me apart. I thought that I would be able to heal while we were together, but when you ignore me like you’ve been doing lately, it just breaks me even more. I still want to be friends, and I still go to the dance with you, but we need to stop being together, at least until either summer break or high school. I love you, but I don’t think that I should be feeling like this when I’m with someone that I love. Please, PLEASE do not hurt yourself or try killing yourself or anything like that. I’m doing this because it’ll be better for both of us. We can be together again someday, but for now, I need time to heal, and I think that it might be good for you too. I still love you and I care about you, but if we keep on doing this, I might end up hurting myself, which could end up hurting you and everyone else that I care about. I’m really sorry, I still love you and care about you, and I’ll always be there for you if you ever someone to talk to or anything like that. I’m doing this for both of us.”

That’s the message that I sent to her. She was, understandably, very upset, but after some time she accepted my decisions and it really was the best decision for both of us

That summer, I spent more time with C and eventually we started dating. We’ve been together for almost three years now and I can’t even begin to express how happy I am to be with him. Even if most days tend to be absolute dogshit, I still have him, and he helps make those days tolerable, even enjoyable.

I might post the story of C and I’s relationship soon, so stay tuned for that

[anonymuseing]

Breaking up, Gracefully

When you and your partner have a falling out, the shared social group can be hard to deal with, but there are some clear lines.

Some simple things to think about if you want an amicable split rather than your ex and potentially members of the friendgroup to hate your guts:

1) Neither party gets to vent to someone in the shared friend-group until things have been decided. Venting may involve badmouthing the other party and that would make things awkward for the other party if they were to continue having dealings with the person you are venting to. You might dislike them, but everyone deserves a baseline level of respect where they don't have their other relationships ruined by an ex badmouthing them or making something up or telling "their" version of the break-up story that makes them look good and the ex look bad.

2) Your ex's family and close friends (especially friends they knew before meeting you) are completely off-limits. Their family is a given, for obvious reasons. They live together, it's the place they go home to. They can't just separate from their family. And a childhood friend or a best-friend is not easily replacable. That friend becomes their support group, the person they vent to and the person that makes them feel better and get back on their feet after the breakup. As the ex, you have no business talking to the family or close friends. Back the fuck off.

3) Any friends you were introduced to through your ex (people that were initially your ex's friends and not yours) should be off limits for the same reasons listed in 2. Once broken up, the best course of action would be to revert to how things were before you were an item--sticking to your own friend-groups.

My ex, Mr. Romantic-Crush-Stalker dude didn't follow any of these rules. He initiated a break-up because I wasn't reciprocating affection the same way he was or wanted. I agreed to breaking up because his affections made me uncomfortable and I didn't want to continue the relationship anymore anyway. He asked that we get back together. I said 'no' and asked for time and space to figure out whether or not I wanted him in my future in any form--as a friend, as a casual acquaintance, etc. I found out less than a week later that he had gone to my family members and started peddling his twisted version of events to them. In his version of events, I was the aggressor. His story was that he had said something careless and I got mad at him and he was in the process of apologizing--but we were still totally friends and this would all blow over and he would totally be the son-in-law my family was looking for. There were so many things wrong with his version. He hadn't said something "careless"--he thought long and hard about his decision to initiate a break-up (which was him outright declaring that we were broken up without letting me know he was having doubts or even letting me have a say in breaking up). He spent a solid week alone thinking about breaking up and in his messages about it he mentioned he felt that way for a long time. He put a lot of thought and care into his decision. I wasn't mad at him for deciding to break up. I was mad at him for not saying anything, for not giving me a say in the decision or a chance to work things out, and then I was mad at him for declaring we should get back together (without asking for my thoughts on the matter, yet again) and that he started peddling bullshit to my family and close-friends when I told him I didn't know if I wanted him in my life even as a friend. We were not friends when he messaged my family (behind my back). I was undecided about him and he was the one that put it into words "we're not friends, dating, or anything more than strangers to each other until you decide you want to deal with this matter". He was the one that said that to me so I thought he understood. He understood nothing if what I found out through my family and friends, the extent of how he tried to worm his way into *my* social group. And lastly, he never apologized. He gave excuses--claiming he wasn't thinking clearly when he declared a break-up, and that he was a wreck that couldn't stop thinking about the relationship even after he had promised me to shelve the issue--yes, it was like a wound that one itches to pick at...that's why you wrap it up and shove it out of sight until you are ready to deal with it. That sealed the deal for me: I decided I had enough time to think about it and my answer was "no--get the hell away from me, my family, and my friends you manipulative asshole". I don't know if he did it deliberately to undermine my relationships or if he really was that socially inadept to realize what he was doing (my bet is on the latter, in all the time I knew him he was never malicious). He had his own friends, I had mine. Why the hell did he think it was okay to seek sympathy from my friend-group? What did he think going behind my back would accomplish--especially to my own family? Was he really so dumb that he thought I wouldn't find out about it through my family? Did he expect me to cave and submit if my family wanted me back together with him?

If you're going to break up and need to vent or whatever, know what's acceptable.

If we had just broken up and left things at that there was a chance that to this day we could still be friends. If he had given me the time and space I had asked for and dropped the relationship bullshit until I was ready to unpack it we could have remained friends to this day--heck, I may have considered getting back together with him if he had just let the issue rest until I was ready to deal with it. Welp, thanks to his asshole-y actions I had no problems giving him the boot and some harshly worded messages telling him to fuck off and that there was no chance of even a casual acquaintanceship anymore. If I saw him on the street I wouldn't even acknowledge his presence or the fact that we knew each other anymore. If he dared to come up to me even just to say 'hello' I would have dragged his ass to the nearest police station and gotten a restraining order drawn up. He was the one that wrote back about how he was in tears and in shambles at my unwillingness to give him another chance. He had a chance--all he had to do was nothing. If he had let the matter rest and proven to me that he could be trusted to give me space I would have seen merits in him. He chose to run around and muddle things up for me and my social group. He went to my childhood friends/support group and tried to tell them that we were still friends and that everything was just me being mad at him for something silly. I ended up showing my friends/family everything--all of our messages since the break-up, all of the times he said he understood and would drop it/back off and he didn't etc. In the end my friends and family have also given him the boot and from his messages he's devastated.

Don't go peddling your presence/friendship where it doesn't belong. If you're in the process of breaking up, depart gracefully rather than ugly-crying to everyone you hit on the way out. Nobody here feels for you. My family and close friends saw me grow up, they're going to believe me over you--especially because I'm not ashamed to show them the unredacted messages in their entirety. You're the one that fucked up the relationship and said things you regret. You're the one that's trying to twist the tale to make yourself look good to other people; I don't have to do that because I didn't write anything I was ashamed of anyone else seeing. I have no regrets except for my more conservative friends/parents finding out how many swear words I used when I told you off...but they all saw my side when thy realized I only startd swearing after I found out he tried to get my friends and family on his side with the message about apologizing.

[theramblingonesie]

#itwasmetoo

#metoo

I joined in. I’ve been open in the past about my experience with sexual assault and harassment, but I felt it was important to still stand with fellow women in solidarity.

Many have been very triggered by this. My heart is with you, I believe you, and I am so sorry.

Some have been uncomfortable with this. Good. Look at it and follow where that feeling goes.

Some have been very angered by this. Also good. I like it when people break off and critically think about any mass movement.  Be free, sheeple! 

I have a lot of thoughts about #metoo. Many are mildly conflicting.  I hate that women keep having to throw themselves into the fires of trauma to get the point across. I also think it’s important to get loud enough to no longer be ignored (if it is safe to do so), because I don’t want to give another person the convenience and pleasure of my silence. I hate that most personal work highlighted on social media stops at superficial social media posts. I also think it’s important to do whatever we can to generate conversations and keep them alive.  I hate that men get cookies for coming forward, and women get threatened and degraded for even whispering a droplet of truth.  I’m also glad that we are encouraging men to extract themselves from the models of toxic masculinity that are trying to rip them back to into the swamps, models that say, “if you don’t fuck women over, you’re a pussy bitch (see: Pussies are fucking magical; how this is an insult is mind-boggling. Also see: Bitches rule)”, resulting in severe shame and exclusion, which creates mental illness, more violence, and antisocial behavior.  I will not meet them with the same brutality and callousness they met me with; the same brutality and callousness that molded them into monsters in the first place.

Well, anymore, that is. I don’t have a clean record....

All of the above, and much more, has made me feel anywhere from relieved to moderately frustrated.   I welcome this, however, because I love gnawing on collective thought. But one thing that has pushed me over the edge into rage is watching known predators, abusers and rapists only post #metoo, or offering support as allies to the victims.

OH HELL FUCKING NO.

I’ll admit, I’ve had some violent thoughts, ranging from trolling to large public call-outs, to straight up showing up at their houses and going “Hard Candy” on them.  But I did none of that (yet).  No, instead I sat and marinated in the absurdity.  Eventually, my own guilt kicked it.  

#Itwasme

Fuck. Really?

#yes

Shit.

But I’m a woman and a victim, I don’t understand how…

#itwasme

Okay, let’s explore this.

I explored this for about a week, as if it’s not on my mind constantly anyway.  I wrote draft after draft, ripping into every last wound of trauma, every exhausting experience, and every fear of the future around this subject. My first condensed version was 10 pages, then 8, then 6.  My head was a minefield after each writing session.  I reached out to my boyfriend to tell him that I was a mess, and that I didn’t know if I could ever have sex ever again with anyone.  He was beautifully supportive, per usual, and suggested that perhaps my writing was cathartic.  

It wasn’t though. That was the problem.

I know what catharsis feels like.  It’s rich, messy, deep, terrifying, beautiful, raw, wild, emotional, expressive, and sometimes even savage.

This wasn’t.

I was emotionally numb, except for pangs of feeling physically and energetically nauseous.  Nothing felt released or expressed.  I felt twisted and stuck.  And then I felt bored.

I have spoken about my sexual trauma SO. MANY. TIMES.  And as I continue to educate myself on the subject, new memories surface and new truths arise.  Being a woman in this world, particularly one who is frequently involved in sexuality-based art, work, etc., I am constantly exposed to harassment, manipulation, and new trauma.

See: Truth is alive; it breathes, it grows, it shifts with time, experience, and education.  What I normalized yesterday, devastates me today.

It doesn’t stop. It doesn’t fucking stop.  And recounting what happen(s)ed just felt like shit.  Because so what? At this point, how many times do I have to tell my story for it to stop hurting?  How many times do I have to subject other people to my trauma to feel adequately heard? How many times do I have to expose my history with sex addiction or openly battle my shame around not wanting sex to feel like a worthy, whole human?

I'm so ready to get off of this ride. I think the reason why I’m so numb, while also sick and anxious at the same time, is because I have talked about this shit so much that I’ve allowed it to sink its claws in and become my identity.

I have allowed someone else’s disease to become my identity.

Very brief backstory for new readers:

I have a history of sexual manipulation that traces back to my childhood (non-family member, in case your mind is wandering).  I was conditioned at a very early age to understand that survival as a girl/woman meant being pretty, flirty, and available.  Standard, right?  In high school, I could look forward to being used or assaulted on a daily to weekly basis by various men and boys.  I lost count by my junior year.  When I had a choice, I allowed and encouraged it to happen so people would like me.  When I didn’t have a choice, I convinced myself that it was fine and maybe that person would want to be my friend. When I was raped, I was told by my girlfriends to shut up and be grateful.  I fucked my way through college so people would like me, because I learned that I didn’t have a personality and was useless past having an accessible pussy.  I cheated on almost every partner because needing to be liked outweighed intimate love.  And anyway, many of my “intimate loves” would rape me regularly within the relationship, because modern social conditioning tells us that “my partner” = “my property”.  I’ve said yes when I really mean no my whole life because I am just so tired and afraid of people being mad at me and abandoning me.

As much as I wish this was all in my head, unfortunately it is deeply based in truth. It’s resulted in mental illness and paranoia that I have the pleasure of tending to now on my own, even though a whole fucking village pushed me there to begin with.  My body and my time have always been treated like other people’s property; something I owe.  And if I do not pay up, I am shamed, abused, and abandoned.  And when I do pay up, I am shamed, abused, and abandoned.

This is what men have been taught to do to women.  This is what men do to women.

And guess what?  It doesn’t stop at men.

Toxic masculinity is a disease that has infected the masses.  All sexes, all genders.

I have been harassed, abused, assaulted, lured into dangerous situations, and left for dead by women, too.   Because that’s what they’ve been taught.

That’s what WE’VE been taught.

We normalize it so it doesn’t hurt.  If we question it, we just might break under the weight.

And what’s the use in breaking in a world so hostile towards us?

I cannot begin to purge this disease from my body and my mind until I take a look at each and every nook and cranny it’s made its way into.  My victimhood is the source, but my symptoms have become their own disease. It ALL needs to clear for change to occur.  I have internalized my own oppression.

And so, I admit:

#itwasme

I’ve behaved like a pimp with other women so I could secure my social standing and be seen as “fun”. I’ve competed with men to see who can pick up the most women by the end of the night.  I’ve gone hunting for willing girls to have threesomes with my ex and I, and never talked to them again, or pretended it never happened when I saw them again.  I’ve known of active predators and stayed silent.  I’ve aggressively coerced partners into sleeping with me when they threaten a breakup or if I find out they’ve cheated on me, as a way to “reconnect” (which is a bullshit word in this context, because what I really meant was reclaiming them as my private property).  I developed an unconscious fetish for abusive, cis-gendered alpha men, and made it my personal mission to break them, degrade them, and make them cry.

All of this happened in my teens and twenties, but it gnaws away at me still.  In my thirties, I’m in a conscious, healing place.  I finally have sex-positive friends and community that have helped to educate and support me on these issues.  But that doesn’t erase my past.  While these may no longer be motives or behaviors of mine, I still sit with the consequences, shame, and questions.  I am angry.  Very angry. Not only do I feel violated, but I am afraid of myself. I have to sit with the weight of being both prey and predator, and it is heavy as fuck.  These days, I am afraid around women, because I don’t want to accidentally do something that crosses a boundary.  Unless someone looks directly at me and spells out that they find me attractive and want to be intimate with me each and every time an opportunity presents itself (which is an impossible request), I freeze because I don’t want to be a creep.  I don’t want to assume that anybody is interested in me, because what if I’m being one of those idiot dudes who can’t read social cues?  I’m angry that I’ve been so warped by pain and fear that I need to consciously work to rewire what is and what isn’t acceptable behavior.  I’m angry that in an effort to be safe, for now, I default to being reserved and dense.  I’m angry that this makes other people angry with me, but I don’t feel comfortable changing it yet. I’m angry that my sexuality, unless I’m safely onstage and away from direct contact with anyone, is very often stuffed in a drawer labeled “shame”.

I’m angry that my brain now registers every man I encounter as either an object, idiot, threat, or a combination of these, unless proven otherwise.  Just like they’ve done to me.  But I don’t want to be anything like my abusers.  I don’t want to beat them at their own game.  I want to find health, relief, and bliss on a different path.

There is a lot of work to be done for toxic masculinity to stop spreading, stop hurting, and stop killing. As women, we can’t control men. It is not our fault when we are assaulted or preyed upon.  We can wear whatever the fuck-all we want, and can go wherever the hell we damn well please.  Men, both bio and identifying, YOU must learn to stop.  Your friends need to stop.  And you need to stop passing this onto your children, like your father did, and his father, and so on.

YOU.

I talk about this subject a bit in private friend circles, but I rarely see it discussed publicly:  

My fellow women, both bio and identifying, I believe that we owe it to ourselves to take inventory of how we have become predators as a response to our victimhood and our trauma, both collective and individual.  We need to stop acting like toxic men.  We need to stop teaching our sons how to “man-up”.  We need to stop shaming our partners when they cry, stop insisting that they’re our property. We need to stop physically assaulting men outside of self-defense because "he’s stronger than me, anyway, so he can take it”. We need to stop treating other women like trash in an effort to prove our dominance or superiority (ex. “I’m not like most girls” or, “I hate other women; I only hang out with guys”).  We need to stop forcing ourselves and our agendas on one another, and then sliding by with phrases like, “I’m a queen” or “it’s okay, I’m a woman”.  We need to stop excusing piggish behavior in other women simply because they have vaginas.  We need to stop telling women who are speaking up about their personal experiences and authentically holding others accountable for crimes committed that they’re just “starting drama”. 

I don’t blame us.  We didn’t start this.  As Sonya Renee Taylor points out, we all have our “native” language we came into, and it requires a lot of studying and conversation with others to learn new languages.  In the context she presents it in, this is regarding “body terrorism”, and how we all learned from a very early age to judge people by their physical presentations. Patriarchal oppression is a native tongue to most of us, and we need to do the work to learn other languages.  If we can be conscious around our behavior in this regard, then I beg that all of us stop honoring and paying taxes to this disease of toxic masculinity. I’ve been told many times, and experienced first-hand, that “safety is an illusion”.  Yet there is still a part of me that wishes so badly that we, as women, could be sanctuaries for one another while we weather the storm of this paradigm shift, this violent death of the ever-tenacious patriarchy.

#itwasme

I feel disgusting saying it outloud, but I believe it’s important.  These intensely uncomfortable moments create movement if you can get to the other side.  The details are my private business. I know what I did, and I know how sorry and full of regret I feel.  I hope that this can be an example for other women to examine this behavior in themselves, too.  You don’t have to post like I am, but I hope you think about it.  We can recover together.  I no longer wish to identify as the crimes committed against me.  I no longer wish to use these offenses as excuses.  These things are a part of my lived experience, yes.  At the same time, I’m ready to transform these memories into wisdom.  I’m ready to get out of this cycle, and swim with the current of positive change, for myself and for others.

Now, this draft feels cathartic.  There it is.  You don’t need to betray your own privacy in order to share your heart and mind with others. You know where the healing needs to go.

Trust.

[notmushroom4urshiitake-blog]

No one has to read this, but I need to say it.

Okay, so, this woman and I dated for almost two years total between 2012 and the start of 2015. We were about 20/21 when it began. She made me happier than I had ever been, but also sadder than I had ever been.

I’ve always had a problem with the word ‘love’. My family just doesn’t say it to each other, and I’ve never really understood what it means to feel it; I still don’t. But when we dated I was sure that was it. We were so, so into each other. After about a year, our relationship began it's decline. We fought a lot, and when we did, we always butted heads. She had to be right, and so did I, and we struggled to see each other’s perspective. During moments of passion, I get flustered and am not good at expressing myself, so she always won. No matter what the issue was, I was the one who had to change. Even when she had done something that upset me, she had this way of making me feel like I was in the wrong. On top of this, my troubles with expression also meant that I was neglecting her. I wasn't saying and doing the little things to make her feel good, even though she would try to do a lot of that for me.

Anyway, after like 9 months of this nasty bickering, we were basically fighting all the time. Post-fight, rather than trying to bring up the problem again, I would actively not do anything to change, thinking that I was right and shouldn't have to. But this just caused more problems and it all started again. It eventually got to a point where we were either fighting or trying not to fight, rather than being happy together. We were both terrible for each other, and we were completely blind to it, but we were convinced that we could make it work. No one else saw this side of our relationship.

After a while, she started to hit me when we argued. Now, I would say that it was never okay to hit someone, and she would say that it was okay because she’s a girl, and it’s not like she was hitting me in the face, and also that I should man up and take it. At the time, I bought it. The problem was that she is not a weak person. She grew up in a farming family, doing a lot of manual labour and as a result, she could hit really hard. She would mostly punch me in the chest and arms and I felt like I could handle it, even though I did sometimes get bruises or feel sore afterwards. One day though, we were both drunk and carrying on. She was punching me, and then my shoulder slipped, so I shoved her off of me with my other arm (I have bad shoulders and they often slip out of joint if they’re knocked in certain places). She fell and hit the end of my bed and the look she gave me, it was horrible. She started crying and said she couldn’t believe that I did it. I kept saying what else was I meant to do and she said I was meant to hold her like a bear hug and restrain her so she would stop; not shove her back.

Just quietly, that is total bullshit, if someone hits me I’m allowed to defend myself and it’s not fair that I have to take that shit from anyone for any reason. But domestic violence is such a huge problem for women that a lot of people don’t realise that sometimes it does happen to men. I don’t know about now, but back then there wasn’t even an option for a man being abused, there was only a number for men to call if they were the perpetrator, not the victim. So of course I never told anyone. I would have surely been laughed at, or prosecuted myself if she had said anything about my shoving her back. And after that we were never the same, not that the old us was any good anyway. I tried to break up with her but something kept stopping me, I still don’t know what it was.

Then, one day, she borrowed my laptop and found these emails to a female friend of mine. This friend once kissed me just before she went to Germany for a year and I was so dumbfounded that I really just did nothing to deal with it - we never even spoke about it. But we stayed in touch and became close friends. We used to send long emails to each other, even after she came back and again when she returned to Germany to study. They never included anything suggestive, but my girlfriend knew about the kiss and believed that there was an ulterior motive behind them. She believed I was cheating on her because I had never told her about these emails that dated back to a couple years before we met. I didn’t think it was a problem, but I see now that it was wrong of me to not say something. It was a dishonest thing to do, but I never mentioned them and it ended up being what ultimately broke us up. She couldn’t get past that and I can see how it is cheating. Not physical cheating, but cheating nonetheless.

After about 3 months of not dating, we kind of came back together, and both admitted that we still had feelings for each other. But because my actions had broken us up, I was the one who had to do all the grovelling, and I wanted to do it. I would have done anything to stay with her. So I did whatever she asked. Any time I was even messaging another woman, she would say I was cheating, even if it was a friend we both knew. Any woman I came in contact with I was watched like a hawk. And I always felt so guilty whenever she would have a go at me, which felt like every day. But regardless of this, she let me keep seeing her. We did everything a couple would do, except that she wouldn’t allow me to call her my girlfriend, because of the constant issue she had with my interactions with other women. I hadn’t proven myself to be trustworthy and so she wasn’t ready to commit again. She checked my phone every day just about and my emails all the time.

One day, I asked her if she had been messaging any other guys herself, since she wouldn’t let me be her boyfriend. She said no, but she hesitated. So, after some serious pressing, she admitted that she had been messaging a guy she hooked up with during our break, and the brother of a good friend of mine, who was a friend himself. She told me it was nothing, and of course I fucking believed her.

It was around the time of our breakup that I started getting the first real feelings that I couldn’t handle what was going on inside my head. I didn’t deal with my problems and as a result, I have depression and its best friend, anxiety. When we broke up, it got really bad and she was the only person who I felt I could trust to help me when I was going through my lowest points. I still felt that I loved her. She was truly very helpful and wonderful. But it didn’t take long for that to stop. She thought depression was just people being weak. Which she actually mentioned before we ever dated, but I was smitten already and so I didn’t see the flag.

Anyway, after 3 months of this relationship limbo, she finally dumped me on my birthday. Yep, my fucking birthday. She said that we just weren’t working, but she seemed so fine about it. She told me that in the time that we were dating but not officially dating she had gotten over me. That I had hurt her so many times that she had already moved on and that she thought it was the right decision. She was right, but not about why.

I didn’t find out until much later, but less than a week after she had broken up with me, she hooked up with that friend of ours she had been messaging. It was during a night out in town, which I was absent from because I was obviously devastated about losing her. She’s still the only person in my whole life I have felt what I thought was genuine love. They went on to date for some time and I put the pieces together. She never let me be her boyfriend because she was stringing me along until she knew he was keen to go for it. That piece of shit was messaging her while I was blindly begging her to take me back. I confronted her about it and she made more bullshit excuses and said we weren’t dating so it was okay. I left it, what could I have said? Nothing, as usual. And after all of this, the worst part is still yet to come.

I tried not to spread a bad word about her, because I knew we were both awful for each other in the end and because no one will ever know how truly fucking terrible we were together, it wouldn’t be fair to give information out of a context anyone could understand. Especially when we were both doing such questionable things throughout the latter half of our relationship. But she went and told everyone that I cheated on her multiple times and that those emails were TO GUYS!! She said I was sending pictures of myself and that I was trying to meet up and have sex with these older men. She stooped to this level of total and complete disgrace and I will never. ever. forgive her for that. She still has the nerve to call me a fuckhead AND she STOLE MY IDEA OF MOVING TO VANCOUVER. So after that relationship, I was back to where I began: totally confused about what it means to love someone. I’ve had two girlfriends since her but I broke up with both of them because emotionally I haven’t felt like I could give anyone what it takes to have a healthy relationship. People say ‘I love you’ to me and I reciprocate, but every time I just know I have no idea what that means.

But you know, I’ve been going to this cafe with my Dad pretty regularly for like 2-3 years. And there’s this waitress who works there. She’s always lovely to us and says hello and will chat to me when I order and settle the bill etc. It’s weird because I know very little about her and she knows very little about me. We chat about our lives for like 30 seconds and then I leave. But I’ve been getting these strange feelings when I speak to her. It’s probably just a dumb crush, but what I take from it is that I am starting to feel like someone who can maybe be in a relationship again one day. I don’t think I could ask her out, I’ve never done that before. Besides, if she said no I could never go back to that cafe again and Dad likes it, so no thanks. But it’s nice you know! I dunno.

Also, in the last 9 months or so, I’ve really been appreciating what my family do and that maybe I do love them. My Mum and Dad have done heaps for me, and my brother. And they seem to only care that we are getting a good start in life, and that’s love I think; at least one type. And I think if I did date again, I might be able to say it and not feel like I was just saying it because they said it to me! So I suppose this last ramble is just a little piece of positivity because fuck me that story is depressing.

Finally, my Dad has a saying about shitty people in our lives. Because spending so much energy ruminating can be far more hurtful than it ever could be helpful. Instead, we just wish that one day, they have 10 kids, just like themselves.

And when I think about that, and everything I know about my ex,

I feel better.