im-so-cold

[im-so-cold]

im poor. im barely able to afford to care for myself, and i also have to help take care of my roomate. im about to be homeless. there are people in my ask boxes begging for help and i cant do anything beyond throwing them a reblog. i dont have the reach necessary for that to actually help them.

who are you to tell me that its not my responsibility to save them? their families are being starved and tortured and killed, and im here trying to get a place to live. i can live without a home. i dont need shelter. they have less and all they need is a few dollars. but im so paralyzed by the fear of prioritizing one family over another. why does this one deserve help but the other one doesnt? i need to give money to them all. but i cant afford that

i want to talk to a professional and ask them for help. what do i do here? how can i not be a monster? but theyre going to tell me everything that everyone else has said. i shouldnt try to sacrifice myself for the sake of others. but if i dont make a sacrifice im complicit. im a fucking monster

and what the fuck is wrong with me? im sitting here wallowing in pitty while people are surrounded by bombs being dropped by an apartheid state. but i cant help them. what should i do? i have nothing to spare

genocide wont wait until im on food stamps and no longer homeless. genocide wont wait until ive followed fucking dave ramseys shitty financial advice. genocide wont wait until all of my bills and debts are paid. genocide wont wait. palestine cant wait.

ive come to this point where i feel like the only correct thing i can do is die. death wont make me complicit.

but im not important enough. my death wont be meaningful. and in reaching my final rest i am silent and violent

[im-so-cold]

How do I stop this please I can't live like this.

[im-so-cold]

was the pain you inflicted not enough? were you still hungry after my agonized writhings? you're cursing me still. I see it and I feel it. you sent them after me. if I hadn't left early, I would've walked away with more trauma than before. but I still felt your curse. your hatred of me. it makes me want to scream and cry. I want to forget. I wish I was stupid enough to forgive and move on. I can never forgive, and I'll never have the pleasure of being able to forget.

[im-so-cold]

lowkey kinda mad I had my roomate hide my razors. I want to cut again so badly. I know it's for my own good and that if I did it I'd regret it in the future but fuck. i crave it. I need the pain and the release. I want to watch myself bleed

[im-so-cold]

maybe it's just my own hubris but I think I'm safe to try some shit like starving myself to lose weight because I fucking love cheese too much to go the full mile. I could never just quit eating altogether because I still need to eat six cheesesticks a day. now if you'll excuse me, I'll be bumping that up to seven cheesesticks today.

I've relapsed on my eating disorder, if that's even possible. I don't care anymore. I hate this body and I want control. the idea of forcing myself back into the form I want makes me fucking euphoric. every time I think about getting thinner and how small I used to be I feel so much better. I guess in a way I should be thankful for those pictures being taken. if they hadn't done that, the bowl of insecurities wouldn't have ever been overfilled, and I would've never gone back to my old ways. I need this change. I don't want any discouragement. I know plenty well that it's bad for me. I don't care. I don't give a fuck if it destroys me. I want to look like me again and I want control.

[im-so-cold]

I've relapsed on my eating disorder, if that's even possible. I don't care anymore. I hate this body and I want control. the idea of forcing myself back into the form I want makes me fucking euphoric. every time I think about getting thinner and how small I used to be I feel so much better. I guess in a way I should be thankful for those pictures being taken. if they hadn't done that, the bowl of insecurities wouldn't have ever been overfilled, and I would've never gone back to my old ways. I need this change. I don't want any discouragement. I know plenty well that it's bad for me. I don't care. I don't give a fuck if it destroys me. I want to look like me again and I want control.

[im-so-cold]

you wanted to hurt me, didn't you?

you had to convince me. I don't give a damn what you thought my reasons were for not wanting it, you still had to try to convince me, and that should've been enough to make you stop.

I didn't want it. my consent wasn't enthusiastic. I only wanted an apology and I was stupid enough to be willing to forgive you if I got one. I'm glad you chose to act like a child and refuse. you don't deserve my forgiveness. you only wanted to hurt me, didn't you?

I poured my heart out to you, explaining all of my anxieties and worries about you. you did nothing to give me reassurance.

"*baps* stop it"

really? that's how you're going to respond after I tell you that I'm afraid that you're planning to betray me? I think now that you were planning to the entire time. you hated me, always. you never really cared.

I miss the old you. I hate what you've become.

you used to be gentle and caring and wonderful. you're something else now, and I hate what you've become. you're fucking toxic.

I want to forget you. I don't want to ever think about you again, but I'm stuck with these memories, and I have the displeasure of knowing that the same person who was the first to tell me that being groomed wasn't my fault is also the same person who hurt me and refused to apologize.

[im-so-cold]

it's so cool that we can get so sad we decide to go into self destruct mode

[im-so-cold]

I was thinking about running away earlier but I have a crippling social media addiction so maybe I'll sleep in the bathroom tonight and try to saw off my arm we'll see maybe I'll die of blood loss lmfao

[im-so-cold]

literally the only thing I know how to do is be fucking retarded and embarrass myself I'm so good at this

[im-so-cold]

so hopelessly lovesick and I can't just fucking say it and I'm hurting so bad my friends are trying to get with her now because I fumbled so fucking bad literally no one cares lololol

[im-so-cold]

resurrecting this blog again because ohhhh my god. holy fuck

I'm 19 now. C and I broke up a while ago and we're both doing alright and still friends/roommates (we live together now)

I'm working at a coffee shop and am no longer at McDonald's (thank fucking god)

there's a girl that I work with at this coffee shop and I've avoided saying it like this because I don't want to come off as clingy or obsessive but I love her. I love her so fucking much it makes me sick. I never want to go a moment without her.

I asked her out a while ago and she very politely rejected me and explained that because shes a supervisor it probably isn't a great idea with work. she's also about 10 years older than me so the age gap was another thing she wasn't super comfortable with, but otherwise she thinks I'm cool and still wants to be friends which im all cool with

it's so hard. I want to be able to just be friends rather than friends but my side of things is more romantic interest than something platonic but i can't put it aside. I hate being without her. I want to hold her close and never let her go. I would do just about anything to make her happy. I want to be with her so fucking bad. I'm trying to stay optimistic in that maybe we can date someday when we aren't working at the same store anymore and maybe im a little older but fuck. I don't know what to do. every other thought I have is about her and how much I love her. I wish we could do more together but she's so busy, we do hang out sometimes tho

she kinda has an idea about how I feel towards her, since I've told her a bit of it, but I don't think she knows just how deep all of this is for me. as far as she knows it's just a little crush, I kinda like her and think being together would be cool. idk. I want to tell her but I dont want to ruin us being friends or anything

[im-so-cold]

It’s just occurred to me that I haven’t really been using this blog much like… at all. So here’s a little update on the current state of things

I’ll be going back to school on the 18th

I have a job now. I’m working at McDonald’s

I almost slipped and fell on my ass multiple times today when I was preparing fries

I fucked up a lot during work

So yeah that’s basically what’s been happening recently

[im-so-cold]

So I guess I’ll go into details about my relationship issues

tw: emotional abuse, manipulation, self harm, suicide baiting

If there’s any other triggers that I missed, please let me know

So this all kinda starts in 2017

I was in middle school, my parents were very rarely home and it was incredibly uncommon for them to interact with me at all unless it was to tell me to do chores or to scold me about something, mental struggles were starting to hit HARD, I felt like my friends didn’t care about me anymore, and I wanted to feel like I was loved by someone, so I decided to talk to strangers online.

One day I decided to go on Kik and join one of the public groups. It was just a regular group for people to hang out and chat, or that’s what I thought it was. As soon as I joined there were guys privately messaging me. They seemed like they just wanted to be friends, so I decided to talk to them. They kept calling me things like “sweetie,” or “cutie,” and would tell me about how beautiful or sexy or cute they thought I was. Of course, since I was a dumb child who was desperate for affection, I thought this was all completely normal, I didn’t realize that grown men shouldn’t be saying this stuff to someone who they knew was basically a child. More and more adults started privately messaging me and again, I thought nothing of it. Many of these people would send me messages telling me about how much they loved me or whatever, and I enjoyed that. I enjoyed finally being told that I was loved, even if it should’ve been clear to me that they didn’t care about me, they just wanted something to wank to. After a while, the people claiming that they loved me started asking me for nude photos and sending photos of their own. When I told them that I didn’t want to send pictures like that, they pulled the typical bullshit of “but don’t you love me?” “I’ll love you forever if you do” “this is what love really is” and lots of other disgusting shit that I didn’t realize was manipulative as fuck. Again, me being a dumb child, I thought that this was fine, and I gave in. Of course, after some time it became clear to me that they didn’t really love me at all, and they just wanted something to fantasize about putting their dick in. Eventually, my parents found the messages when they were going through my phone one day and I got in a shit ton of trouble. They told me about how awful I was for doing what I did, and it was only recently when I finally told one of my friends about what happened that I realized that it wasn’t my fault like I had been told.

After all of that shit, I stopped seeking love from strangers online. There was a girl at my school who I had a huge crush on (I’ll refer to her as “Z”), and I decided that I would finally tell her about how I felt. Z told me that she felt the same way towards me, and we decided to go out with each other

I was seriously fucking head over heels for her. I really, truly loved her and I had for quite a while, so when we finally got together I was unbelievably happy. After just three days though, she decided to break up with me. As you could probably imagine, I was devastated. I won’t go into much detail since I’d still rather avoid talking about it. But it involved me saying and doing a bunch of fucking stupid bullshit, both of us threatening to kill ourselves, and me cutting myself. This all happened in early November, 2017

It was late December/early January and I got a text from her. She wanted us to get back together again. It only lasted a week or so.

This happened a few more times, every time saying she was going to/wanted to kill herself or hurt herself.

One time she broke up with me because she felt that she needed to focus on her family more since both of her parents had cancer, and it was especially bad for her dad. I told her that that was okay and that I completely understand, and I did, I really did. I completely supported her decision, even if it hurt me. I would be here for a long time, but as far as we knew, she didn’t have much time left with her dad. She said that we could still be friends, and I was happy with that. She started acting really weird the next few days, like she was upset with me. I asked her was was wrong and she said that I lied to her. I asked her what she meant. Apparently I lied to her about being okay? So of course, that really fucked with me

It was March, which is when shit started to get really bad. One day she messages me, saying that she wants to exchange nude photos. After what had happened, I was afraid to say no. She wasn’t able to handle it (which was not her fault at all, I’m not trying to blame her for that), and she decided to break up with me. One of my friends was going to be having a birthday party which both Z and I were invited to (this friend was C, who is now my boyfriend). After Z and I’s breakup, she tells us that she won’t be going to the party. The next morning she sends me a bunch of messages about how she’s planning on killing herself, so I freak out and decide to call 911 because I didn’t know what else to do and I was afraid that she might actually do it. Police arrive at her house, they talk to her, her mom is glad that I did something to help Z because she had no idea what was going on.

Fast forward later in March. It’s my birthday and I have C and one of my other friends (who I’ll call D) there with me. C has been pretty clearly expressing his affection for me but I was too oblivious to notice at first. D jokes around and says that she thinks he has feelings for me and stuff, we cut a cake with a sword, C has to go home because his parents don’t let him stay the night with friends, D stays at my house, leaves the next morning, and C comes back over. That was when I finally realized that he liked me when we just sat on my bed and he hugged me for the entire time that he was over here, and I started to feel the same way towards him that he did towards me. I could tell that he really, genuinely loved me. I wasn’t just some pretty boy for him to look at. I wasn’t some sort of emotional dummy for him to take out all of his frustrations on, I was a person with feelings, and he really, truly loved me.

After C left, I get a message from Z and my heart instantly sank. She wanted to go out with me again. I told her that I still needed time to heal after what all has happened with us in the past. She told me that I’d still be able to heal with her and that she needed me. I knew that i should tell her no, but after everything that has happened, I was afraid to turn her down, so I accepted. Of course, I couldn’t heal. She only talked to me when she was putting herself down. Whenever I would tell her about my problems she would just say something like “yeah, welcome to my world.” Often times she looked at me like she wanted me to just die already. After everything that happened and not being able to emotionally recover, all of that stuff just fucking destroyed me. One day during lunch, D sees me sitting in a corner and crying. She comes over to me along with the principal and asks me about what’s going on and I told her everything about what’s been happening to me lately. The principal gave her and I one of the conference rooms for a little bit so D could talk to me in private. She told me about how fucked up the things that Z has been putting me through were. She told me about how toxic our relationship was. She told me about how I deserve so much better, and that when she sees me suffering like that, it hurts her too. D told me that I needed to break up with Z, and that’s what I did. I worked on writing out my message to her, since that would be the easiest way for me to get my point across to her and I didn’t know that it’s considered to be rather fucked up to break up with people through text since that’s the only way anyone had ever broken up with me.

“I’m sorry, but we need to break up. I feel like you’ve been annoyed with me and ignoring me a lot lately, and when you avoid me like that, especially when we’re in a relationship and you said that you loved me, it just really hurts me. I told you that I needed time to heal so that I wouldn’t risk hurting you, and I didn’t tell you this at the time out of fear that I would look really selfish, but I also needed that time to heal so that if something like what’s been going on lately were to happen, it wouldn’t completely tear me apart. I thought that I would be able to heal while we were together, but when you ignore me like you’ve been doing lately, it just breaks me even more. I still want to be friends, and I still go to the dance with you, but we need to stop being together, at least until either summer break or high school. I love you, but I don’t think that I should be feeling like this when I’m with someone that I love. Please, PLEASE do not hurt yourself or try killing yourself or anything like that. I’m doing this because it’ll be better for both of us. We can be together again someday, but for now, I need time to heal, and I think that it might be good for you too. I still love you and I care about you, but if we keep on doing this, I might end up hurting myself, which could end up hurting you and everyone else that I care about. I’m really sorry, I still love you and care about you, and I’ll always be there for you if you ever someone to talk to or anything like that. I’m doing this for both of us.”

That’s the message that I sent to her. She was, understandably, very upset, but after some time she accepted my decisions and it really was the best decision for both of us

That summer, I spent more time with C and eventually we started dating. We’ve been together for almost three years now and I can’t even begin to express how happy I am to be with him. Even if most days tend to be absolute dogshit, I still have him, and he helps make those days tolerable, even enjoyable.

I might post the story of C and I’s relationship soon, so stay tuned for that