#and don't go to as drastic ends
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would i be considered a lunatic if i said that horror's story could be read as a parallel for SA. Hear Me Out: (obviously be careful for reading this bc like,,, sensitive topic)
i feel like the largest parallel could be the actual event of getting his eye taken. a part of his body is "taken" and literally or metaphorically horror was pinned down and forced to give up his body (even worse considering that a literal part of him was PULLED out with a foreign object designed solely to hurt HIM SPECIFICALLY). it's digusting and horror claws and fights his way out to prevent it but unfortunately it still ends up happening no matter what he could've done. no matter how many backup plans or extra contibutions or begging or fighting he did. which like. sounds honestly pretty simple to the reality of victims of SA. that hopelessness of knowing that even if you did as much as you could, covering up, devoting yourself to a life of chastity, not hanging with people like thay, there's still a chance that something bad could happen and all of a sudden everyone's out to get you and how could they just stand by and do NOTHING while you were left to suffer and defend yourself
which leads onto the next point i wanna bring up which is horror's rage immediately after getting his eye stolen. his anger at the betrayal is (very justified my boy did nothing to deserve this) solely about him and his bodily autonomy. undyne (and alphys ig,,,,) couldn't consider ANY other possible solution than to deprive him of his autonomy and decide to just take what they wanted from his body??? AND THE FACT THAT ALPHYS SAID THAT HE MIGHT AGREE TO GIVING UP HIS EYE? it's giving very much so "oh it'll feel good so don't worry" type shit or whatever (horrortale alphys i DONT like you). a betrayal at the hands of someone you trusted a lot about your bodily autonomy? it just gives off that sort of parallel
and the sheer anger and fury that horror felt and enacted on alphys and undyne and everyone else at the CORE just like DUDE. that is a type of anger that only comes out when you've been deeply wronged. sometimes when a horrific experience like getting SAed happens you just wanna explode and drag down everyone around you and ESPECIALLY the perpetrators no matter how much you rationalize. you can have as many people as you want try to convince you that revenge and being hateful isnt the way but it doesn't matter because they havent been wronged the way youve been. horror deserved to be that cruel because undyne and alphys were just as cruel back to him, so he'll be the same and return it 10fold (he probably wasnt even out of bones when he decided to turn them into chips he just wanted to make it a point that he didn't even need to use his full strength to hurt the guards. horror could've EASILY killed alphys but no he wanted it to hurt for her so she could live a life of eternal suffering and fall to her lowest and to ESPECIALLY hurt undyne. because they deserve to suffer just as much as he did if not more for the crime commited against him)
a betrayal as bad as alphys's is only worsened when she tells him that she doesnt regret a single thing about using him for the underground. that has to be the single most infuriating thing for horror to hear because WHAT DO YOU MEAN alphys doesn't regret a thing? that's exactly what some people gloat about after doing terrible things; they try to sweep it under the rug as nothing that bad or justify it OR JUST STRAIGHT UP ADMIT IT!!! nah horrortale alphys deserved to suffer idc
and back onto that feeling of wanting to kick and scream and drag everyone else down with you after being left so used and betrayed due to getting SAed: i know it was bad that horror tricked snowdin into eating humans it was TERRIBLY BAD but really horror was just operating on anger and spite and the need for vengeance. nobody in snowdin ever did anything to hurt him (and i'm sure horror knows that considering he definitely regrets what he did) but to him maybe they also should feel the pain he feels so they can all relate. so that they can't try and fight against him when he says his side of the story and say that undyne was right with what she did. that maybe he wouldn't feel so absolutely devastated after what happened if he saw everyone around him suffering too, and maybe JUST MAYBE he'd get a bit of something back from his sacrifice that he never consented to
i KNOW i'm not reaching with this but idk if i phrased it the best. but to me horror's story really does genuinely parallel to one of an SA survivor's: the betrayal, the anger, the feeling of loneliness and isolation and just feeling absolutely used for a simple thing as your body. chapter 4 of horrortale really is amazing storytelling and so is horror (he was reasonable in what he did IDC WHAT ANYONE SAYS he might be WRONG but it was reasonable. i love horror sans)
#i'm sorry if this is like kinda not srs enough for this topic just know that this came from a place of genuine relation to horror#his story resonates a lot to me about my own personal experiences and the anger and betrayal i felt myself#and i just wanted to point out the similarities i saw 🙁#i think that maybe even without realizing it that he might feel replused at sex and especially the intimacy part#touching his eye socket or head wound is like reliving the entire situation over again and he does NOT WANT THAT AT ALL#its a part of his body that he cant just get rid of because it's necessary which SUCKS#the snarkiness that horror has against undyne even after 7 years is so real#you NEVER forgive your abuser in that situation. i know damn well that the grudge will continue to last on for many more years to come#one day horror and undyne might be able to make up and coexist but horror wont ever be able to TRULY forgive her#a part of you changes viscerally for the worse when you go through something so traumatic#and i think horror's outburst fits that change a lot. it seems almost sudden how quickly he goes from sans to horror#and even though he was still spiralling before the CORE he probably wouldn't have changed so drastically without a betrayal THIS bad#he better get the BEST potential ending in horrortale or else i will RIOT#if aliza doesnt save horrortale and give them all the freedom they DESPERATELY NEED#SAS pls SAS pls don't doom them even more than they already are thats all i need#this metaphor is made even worse with my idea that killer or dust pull him around by the eye or skull#probably not dust (when he's calm (when he's not all boundaries get thrown out the window)#but with killer probably. he doesn't particularly care about what horror wants or keeps to himself#if it gets a barely amusing reaction then sure whatever. horror gets unreasonably pissed anyway for someone who just got his eye taken#in fights they could make it a point to hold onto his skull near the eyewound as tightly as possible#just to make it HURT. dust wants horror to remember him with as much hate as he does for undyne#killer does it to get him to remember that moment except this time no he can't fight back. just to keep him in line#it sucks i know but this trio was never truly made to improve eachother. they were made to drag eachother down worse than they already are#tricule analyze#killer sans#horror sans#dust sans#murder time trio#utmv
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marisha said laura I see your GET THE GIRL motivation and I raise you KEEP THE GIRL
#cr lb#4 sided dive#marisha thinking she can pull a vax style doomed romance#as if she forgot vex undemoned perc and jester helped fjord with his squid#laudna I Know Doomed vs imogen Not With Me#I absolutely love the conviction of a cataclysmic belief like it's juicy because it does remind me of vax's conviction#though one is obviously rooted in insecurity but really you can't. Make someone get over that#so it would be like really interesting if this is actually going to be an ongoing conflict#because like laudna finding imogen and imogen falling for her and that love and comfort happening#and laudna Still believes she's such a dead end for Sure definitely maybe you get over it maybe you Don't#so it's like Something drastic has to happen for that to change either side and something would Have to
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#gogoat#i like this Less than skiddo. which is unfortunately why i rarely ever end up using skiddo in my teams#that's the main thing stopping me from using a lot of pokémon in my teams. i like their prevos but the final evolutions just don't do it#for me for one reason or another and since that's the only reason to use a pokémon on your team aside from the early game i just#never end up using that pokémon. because they'll just fall so drastically behind so quickly that i never use them#so pokémon like skiddo‚ fennekin‚ vulpix‚ ponyta#etc etc i never end up using just because i only like their weak baby forms. and like i guess it's a me issue bc i could just give them an#eviolite and say it's a strat but i always feel like i'm missing out on a lot by not letting them evolve. some pokémon get such a huge stat#boost that i feel like keeping them a baby is just holding my whole team back#so i never use skiddo despite loving it to death. justice for skiddo. y'know what#i'm gonna go change my discord icon to a skiddo RIGHT now#get skiddo'd
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Okay, but like. There's the whole joke about Bruce recruiting children to be his sidekicks, but honestly there's only really one that fits that.
And it's Jason. And the whole story there is, frankly, unhinged. Aaaaand then he died.
(I'm specifically talking about "first post-crisis origin stories" here because Jason and Dick, in particular, have both had multiple major retcons and revisions over the years, and some of them dramatically change how things happened.)
Like okay. Going backwards, you've got Duke who joined/led a whole Robin-based gang at a time when Bruce wasn't even Batman. You've got Damian and Cass, who were both literally born into the world of masks and capes and heroes and villains, so they weren't ever really not going to be part of it. Steph might have taken inspiration from previous heroes but she made her own identity and repeatedly refused to stop involving herself in the vigilante lifestyle. Tim, obviously, basically strong-armed Batman into letting him be Robin, despite Batman's protests.
Dick's a little more complicated just because there's so many versions, because that's what 80 years of comics and multiple universe reboots will do, and there's kind of a general trend that earlier pre-crisis versions were more of Batman being like "hello, child, would you like to be my sidekick" and later versions have leaned harder and harder into the idea that Dick was absolutely going to do this anyway, regardless of what Batman had to say about it. But even in the first post-crisis version, the flashback in Batman Year 3, Dick says he wants to find a way to keep people like that from hurting others again. When Alfred questions Bruce's offer to train him, Bruce says that Dick should learn to do things the right way if he's going to do it. It's not hard to extrapolate that, much like later versions of the origin story, Dick was going to get himself into this one way or another. (Batman (1940) #437)
And then there's Jason. Whose backstory has also had a lot of (sometimes major) revisions over the years (remember when his adoption was, like, some kind of Joker-originated long con? Fucken Nu52, man). But the original post-crisis version is pretty straightforward. Steals Batman's tires, gets caught and sent to Ma Gunn's Secret Criminal School, intervenes when Batman goes to investigate, immediately gets offered the chance to be Robin based entirely on that.
Which is itself kind of unhinged. That Bruce saw this kid who was living on his own stealing tires and went "Hey you would make a good Robin" as his very first instinct.
But if you've never read Jason's post-crisis origin, or it's been a while, it's honestly even more unhinged than that because that arc starts with Dick getting "fired" as Robin specifically for the reason that he got shot by Joker and Bruce freaked out about how the Robin identity has too many enemies and therefore Dick, a legal adult with approximately a decade of training and experience, should not use the identity anymore.
(And it's specifically about the Robin identity, in this version, because when Dick says he's not going to stop the crime fighting thing Bruce's response is basically "I know and I didn't expect you to". Honestly I could also say a lot about this version of the Robin/Nightwing transition vs. later ones and how this one definitely feels like the Heavy Hand of DC Editorial in the fact that they had no contact for so long afterwards, because the interaction really doesn't feel like it warrants that in this case compared to some later versions, but that's a whole other too-long ramble.) (Batman (1940) #408)
And then a few weeks later Bruce turns around and picks up a random kid, a literal child, and goes "Hey you would make a good Robin!"
And I think a lot about how fucking wild that is. And it's not like the people writing just didn't notice. Dick's big argument with Bruce when he finally comes back to Gotham and meets Jason isn't about the fact that Bruce took in another kid, or even necessarily about Dick feeling proprietary over the Robin identity, the thing he's angry about is that Bruce said it was too dangerous for him, an adult, someone who has trained with Batman for a decade and was already highly physically trained before that for his whole life, to be Robin, and now Bruce has turned around and painted that target onto some random new kid. He pushes, repeatedly, trying to get Bruce to justify himself and this absolutely irresponsible decision, and Bruce gives a lot of answers about how Jason was on a bad path and needed this outlet and eventually just admits that he missed having a partner. (Batman (1940) #416)
And like. Dick's right, is the thing. He is 1000% in the right in this argument. If he can't be Robin anymore because of the danger, how in the hell is it anything like a good idea to hand it over to someone way younger, way less trained, way less experienced, and expect that that wouldn't end in tragedy?
And then it did.
And yeah, Bruce, it is kinda a lot of your fault.
#And the punchline is Batman clearly should not get to choose his own sidekicks! Haha?#(Sorry this is a lot more serious than my usual Batfam shitposts it won't be a regular habit don't worry)#this is long and rambly but it's something i think about a lot#and it's on my mind extra because of an AU oneshot i'm working on finishing right now#and obviously there's eight kabillion versions of any given origin and reboots and retcons and they change drastically yadda yadda yadda#and also obviously there's always behind-the-scenes editorial choices and other factors when it comes to comics story events#story and character choices are frequently not just a matter of storytelling but of things like meeting editorial demand of What Must Happe#but just looking at the story as presented: the one time bruce specifically recruited someone as his sidekick that kid ended up dead for it#it does make narrative sense given this that bruce's reaction to most of the subsequent kids is initially 'go the fuck home and stop this'#and then only really yielding with the realization that they're totally going to do this shit anyway#jason todd#dick grayson#bruce wayne
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Shoutout to me being a dumbass and not realizing the wiki has Eigong's logs...ah yes I am smart.
Anyway, idk if this is anything, but I view Eigong having a rhyzomatic stabilizer(?) thing™ on her head with Yi's on his chest as a lil' symbolic. I can't articulate it fully rn because I'm tired, but it reads as a physical manifestation of Eigong's descent into madness and obsession with immortality. Like...she probably implanted those roots herself, judging by how they're not there in her younger image. She views Fusang as a means to an end (esp with infecting it with Tianhuo...the mutated part she retains in her last stage is right on her Fusang roots).
Meanwhile, Yi was 'chosen.' He was saved by Fusang and has the stabilizer implemented right over his heart to aide the roots (as I see it). Imho, a manifestation of his heart being in the right place...?
#nine sols#eigong#mew rambles#genuinely dunno if this is anything but I had to put it out#I also think it's fascinating that eigong wasn't necessarily obsessed with immortality from the start#it was a personal dream of hers sure#but a personal dream isn't the same as obsession#and she was also put in a place where she felt like she couldn't fail#I wonder if fusang anticipated where eigong was going to end up#like not literally predicting the events of the game#but maybe that this attempt to alter the essence of life would backfire drastically#although of course this would hinge on the idea that eigong did get severely injured early in life which lead to her making the stabilizer#a theory I really enjoy personally#I think it was that eigong artist who I saw breach the idea and its been in my head ever since#possessable? yeah that acct#v cool#anyway don't mind these rambles in tags I didn't realize I'd have more to say#will I compile all my thoughts. maybe someday
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if I had a nickel for every musical I've been sucked into that featured a main ensemble of at least 8 women, with two of those girls ending up dead/arrested, and another one being falsely accused of murder but ends up getting acquitted in the end, I'd have two nickels! Which isn't a lot! But it's weird that it happened twice!
#and if i had a peso for every musical that fits the above description tHAT ALSO happens to have two girls (one of which is grieving)#(and the other being a newbie to the group)#iD ALSO HAVE TWO PESOS!!!#for the uninitiated i'm talking about the warriors album#and we are the tigers#if i go crazy enough i'll draw even mORE parallels between the two drastically different shows#and i'll have more than 2 nickels!#warriors album#warriors musical#we are the tigers#watt musical#(for wattblr peeps that don't know warriors and vice versa - please do check the both of them out)#(both works are so so good like there are reasons why those two led to the proliferatikn of my long ass rambles)#fuck i still ramblr about watt to this day and i've been in wattblr since dec 2021!#*addition to the first tag: said girls that END UP TOGETHER
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jughead almost immediately removing himself from the musical aka the narrative the moment that someone else (kevin & clay) starts writing their own version of it and in turn, his removal from controlling the narrative ends up allowing the characters to take back control of their own narrative because when jughead writes and rewrites the story, it ends up trapping the characters deeper inside the narrative and the cycles they are desperate to escape until they are repeating the same behaviours over and over again but when kevin & clay write and rewrite the story, it ends up giving the characters back their agency because they're trying to help them which then allows them to break free from the narrative and walk away.
#riverdale#riverdale spoilers#rvd text#rvd meta#rvd narrative#jughead jones#kevin keller#clay walker#like i love jughead this isn't anti-jug or anything just to be clear but the show has imo perfectly established how traumatised jughead#really is and that he never actually deals with any of it and then this season you go from his comic episode whereby it demonstrates so#clearly that despite good intentions his anger heavily influences his writing and storytelling and then the next episode he acknowledges#that his father abandoned him and writes about it. we don't know what he wrote exactly but he wrote something and it slowly starts to#change him for the better#and the story really does start to slowly change from that point too#and even clothing wise. someone pointed out that jughead's clothes (pjs especially) drastically changed the moment he wrote about fp#what that means i have no idea but you can't not notice it#and when you look at the musical episode especially kevin and clay had an idea in mind for it - a narrative they were trying to push#but then saw what it was doing to the characters and were prepared to take a step back and listen to them and what they want#and change the story accordingly and while it ended with the majority of them leaving the musical#they left because they were given the freedom and choice to do it because they weren't being forced into a role someone else assigned them#like that's the point: THEY COULD LEAVE!#THEY MADE THEIR OWN CHOICES!#THIS IS STORYTELLING!!!#and i won't hear anything bad against it
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very much this... cr.
#i saw this hours ago but i came across this tweet again#and it made me think about how i learned how to not put people i stan on insane pedestals#bc when they made bad decisions or something very ignorant#i would get insanely disappointed and sad abt it for a very long time#not that i don't think even if you have a healthy view abt people you stan#you can't be disappointed but#i feel like when you do this actively and you think your faves can't do no wrong#and then they do it's very different#what i've observed for the past few months is that#some people might not even realize they are doing this#and i feel like on twt it's so bad#especially with the whole 'you have to stream or you are bad fan' time of mentality#that it ended up creating this environment of having to do#everything for these idols no matter what#some people are so against boycotts bc of this#and have a very unhealthy relationship with stanning culture#and i say this from a very personal experience but#my view on stanning groups change drastically the moment i started to be on tumblr full time#and i remember the exact moment where i thought wow i've been#doing it wrong this whole time and that's why i was so miserable#i will not go into details bc this is getting long#but i do intent to do an extended essay (sorta kinda) about this soon#bc i feel like it's something that we need to sincerely discuss#and how awful it is to perpetuate these behaviors#tris.txt
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Granted I have the overall geographical and cultural knowledge of a 4th grader but from what I can tell the nuclear family model really does seem to be a white colonial invention
Different cultures have different approaches but I mainly hear about either large family units where multiple generations support each other and raise their children and grandchildren together or an "it takes a village" approach where children are raised somewhat communally
And I can't really speak on it much or claim that these families were free of abuse or that children aren't often an oppressed group basically everywhere I know of but the way ownership of your children is so engrained into white society is so bizarre
Like once you notice it you can't unnotice it even the most loving well meaning parents don't know what to do about it because everyone is so isolated from their own families and their own communities so you wind up with 1-2 parents who have full legal ownership of their child and are raised in a culture where you don't have personhood until you're 18 and all attempts at self actualization before them are seen as clueless rebellion. Like our culture is so divorced from the concept that a parent is someone who is helping mentor and care for their child so they can thrive as a fellow human being and it's actually so alarming
And ik this problem isn't unique to white and colonized people but it's honestly really soothing to hear about how other cultures approach and view parenting and community as a whole and to internalize it doesn't have to be this way
#like i was reading a book by Sabaa Tahir who's Pakistani#and the perspective on parenthood portrayed in it so healing#like when Salahuddin mentions that his mom taught him not to thank his parents growing up#''Ama taught me that saying thank you to your own parents is unnecessary. Akin to thanking your lungs for breathing. The times I tried#she looked at me like I’d rejected Saturday-morning paratha.''#and like obviously the idea isn't that your kids should be ungrateful im assuming that it's their behavior and overall respect thats thanks#but as someone who was raised thanking everyone for everything especially my parents no matter what it really stood out bc even little stuff#like that can make a huge difference yk? since I can remember white adults particularly my parents taught me i was a burden#and that their taking care of me was an act of kindness rather than a responsibility and I don't think it's some big conspiracy to make kids#feel horrible but it's not really teaching gratitude it's just teaching guilt#thats just one example tho#I also am at the extreme end of white cultural isolation (neither of my parents are close to their families we've never lived near them and#they specifically isolate us from everyone so the difference is a lot more drastic for me than it probably is a lot of other people#but when i hear ppl being close to their neighbors or anyone that lives near them i go a little insane with longing tbh#like what is that like? to grow up in an environment where your world is more than just your parents approval?#where there's some kind of insulation between you and all of your parents problems bc there is no one else#this was not a ramble with any kind of conclusion tho akehrjdhr#and once again I am absolutely not saying that child abuse is uniquely white bc. el em ey oh thats not how any of this works#it's just that white cultures view on children is sickening
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mbs fandom would you be interested in a scene from a fanfic that will never be continued for reasons unknown ?
#reasons unknown; a word which here means it's been in my drafts for two years and i won't ever touch it again because i lost motivation#and I've also gotten better at English in the mean time so if i wrote the end now there'd be a drastic style change in the middle which. no.#the mysterious benedict society#I don't really want it to go to waste but I won't finish it#and I know I won't allow myself to work on something else as long as I've got that pending#so like should i trash it or just put it here on Tumblr ?
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every pb movie news i see gives me "the party is over but he's still here" vibes and by he i mean sk
#although i like s5 and don't have a personal beef against s6 I'll forever die on the hill it could've ended in s4#like c'mon the show had a drastic quality drop from *political period drama* to *walmart the godfather*#and it's his fault entirely bc adrian brody is a good actor but how would he make a good job when his script is a cheap michael corleone#then tommy whores himself to get things (as usual) and has a baby with lizzie#is it perfect? no#but it would've been a decent ending because: tommy got into a political position of power#arthur and linda sort of fixed their marriage crise and lizzie finally got a secure position in the family#is everyone 100% happy? no but it's the most they ever be considering they won't go to therapy lol#instead we got 2 more seasons being the sixth the most disliked by the fandom plus a musical plus a recipe book plus a game#plus more things no one asked and sk continues to dry out every single cent he can get out of the franchise#nice#I'll keep eating it up like a caterpillar eats leaves but I'll whine about it#random posting
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1) Opens up drafts with my head empty, ready to be flooded, not knowing where I'll go. 2) 30 seconds later: Okay but I will go feral any day of my life over Perilous Trail, and the fierce dichotomy of Xiao and Yelan. While they're far from being 'the same', they both view themselves as soldiers in one way or another (it's a very difficult word to use for Yelan, so I'm using it very liberally and very loosely), they have both suffered losses on the 'battlefield' and carry the burden thereof in their own ways. And yet they stand so firmly in opposition throughout the entirety of that questline up until the very end of the 'the end of the line' conclusion of the quest. Yes, I know that she offers him her gratitude in its aftermath and it is genuine, but she still never agrees with him and the decision that he made moments earlier. It simply 'worked out' because of Zhongli's interference, he's the only reason it worked out. And it's because of that, that she doesn't give him a hell of a hard time (obviously she can't go down there, but imagine the inner frustration of severe extents; when you condemn someone who you can't even see anymore). In the same way that she would do to anyone who would sacrifice themselves for others, but in this case, I think it's 'beautiful' that it's to Xiao; the one who seems most adamant to do so (which honestly, fits into the contract that the Yakshas chose to sign with Morax; 'the ultimate sacrifice' to protect for Liyue; 'for Liyue', and Liyue has always centered itself around its people), the one who everyone reveres (and so does she, as she notes in her voiceline, 'if I ever have the honor to fight alongside') and respects for good reason, she stands against him, because in that moment, regardless of his status, he makes a call that she considers wrong. And he doesn't even... fight her on it very fiercely, and that's what actually hurts me the most, it's as if the following line hit the nail directly on the head?
"Besides, if you were really so determined to end it all, you wouldn't have given us the opportunity to share our opinions."
#[ mini study. ] that which hides inside her… that constant calling; it is the blood of heroes which has been howling for 500 years.#[ and then shortly after 'the point is: it's not time for drastic measures yet.' ]#[ /shakes ven into another dimension. ]#[ i thought the ost at the end of perilous ruined me enough. but tale of the yakshas may actually ruin me more. ]#[ also i love how i typed up the bit of the contract and 'for liyue' and zhongli in my head isn't rattling at bars but-- ]#[ he's sipping his tea (the equivalent). one day ven. i /promise/ you. one day you'll get him from me. ]#[ he'll likely be the 2nd genshin blog to run alongside yelan if/when i get to being able to run two again. ]#[ but until then. can we talk about the dynamic of xiao and yelan until we're blue in the face? i'd like to do that too. ]#[ i type this as if i'm perfectly chill but i'm not. i'm really not. the concept of self sacrifice and sacrifice as a whole. ]#[ BETWEEN THESE TWO. drives me /insane/. and part of me sits here and goes-- ]#[ god. what happened with yelan and her team down there? we know that despite every plan she ever made and prepared-- ]#[ their enemies (WHAT WERE YOU FIGHTING??) were too powerful and more specifically-- too smart. too calculating. ]#[ ... and too strong (okay literally what on earth were you fighting? are we talking the khaenri'ah soldiers? like what? or abyss mages?) ]#[ (but abyss mages don't exactly entirely fit the description in her story. ugh. UGH). ]#[ any way-- it was her and her team. /they/ all died and she didn't. yanfei describes it as... ]#[ 'knowing that your life was saved when others weren't'. surely the millilith didn't intervene or happen to arrive. yelan must've... ]#[ gotten away? or something? but that doesn't feel quite right. but i'm just sitting here left with the idea of... when you lead a team. ]#[ you bear the responsibility of even their lives. and yet despite bearing that responsibility; she's exactly the one who lived. ]#[ the only one who did. that has to be a /stupid/ burden. it's like the captain who has to go down with the ship but is the only one... ]#[ who gets to live. only one who gets to survive. i just. ]#[ i didn't think i'd love a character as much as this one. where did she come from; jesus christ. ]
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it's interesting how both work remixes highlight how bare and short the original song is. in the don diablo remix, jongho's high note gets extended, and in the edenary remix, the first chorus gets re-edited as a prechorus leading into an instrumental chorus, and then they add a ~3 seconds long transition into hongjoong's verse. all those changes sound better than the original, because you need breathing space and pacing for a song to sound good.
i'm still wondering whether they'll return to Good Musicmaking with the next comeback, or keep on doing those atz-flavoured chill vibes over and over because it's what's currently popular :']
#shrimp thoughts#'oh but they're experimenting! they're trying out new sounds! the concept and universe is different which is why the sound changed!'#may i introduce your to the fever series real quick.#my problem with crazy form and work isn't that they're not as intense -- we've had deja vu and it Fucked -- it's that they're empty#and clearly lacking something. they both have the party chorus at the end but it's just NOT hitting because it's stripped of all the Oomph#work is particularly drastic because that's. that's not even a party chorus. that's a normal beat. it's bouncy yeah but you're not gonna#make me go WOOOOOOO YEAHHHHHHHHH with it.#same with crazy form it's like. where's the depth. it doesn't hit! it's kinda crazy tbh because half a year ago it seemed people were#in agreement that cf is weaker in terms of impact and now it's like 'well okay maybe work isn't as powerful as guerrilla halazia and cf--'#you DO NOT group cf with THE queens!!! don't you DARE#tl;dr can't decide between giving up for the next year or having hope despite Everything. please advise
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i know i'm making a lot of "heehee!! haha!" posts but i tend to do that when i'm feeling immeasurable amounts of doubt and i turn to humor to cope with those feelings 🙃
i know this is just a fic and stuff but i put a lot of work into it, so when things change at the last second i begin to doubt everything. when things happen or change dramatically i get nervous that it won't make sense, even though that's a common part of the writing process.
and since my whole schtick is "characterization!" i feel immense pressure to get this right, but! i'm reminding myself that this hobby isn't to please anyone else -- it's for my own personal enjoyment, and that has to come first.
#and i'm overthinking things but like#pffffff#i just get nervous#when one thing changes and it creates a domino effect#that can lead someone to think i don't know what i'm doing when that's not the case#sometimes things just drastically change at the end and the best i can do is roll with it#and honestly sometimes my original ideas sucked#but it's never going to be perfect;just needs to be finished#if only these GAY MONKEYS would leave me alone
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brrrrr (/pos)
#weight talk#<- just in case even though this is pos#but like. okay ive been. SEVERELY underweight all my life#like i looked like a skeleton you could see all my bones it was AWFUL#i just. I've literally always hated looking like that i hated looking like a walking corpse i mean i looked ILL#but recently i started taking remeron for anxiety#partially bc my anxiety keeps causing me to not eat properly bc i feel sick constantly#so i kept ending up in the ER for malnutrition and dehydration and my liver getting messed up#well i started the remeron for the panic attacks bc daily panic attacks suck but the psych mentioned it could increase appetite#and it???? did????? I'm eating on a slightly more regular schedule???? I'm eating more than once a day????#and like. ok I've always weighed like 100lbs#highest i ever got was 111 when i was 16#and then it dropped 10#and then dropped 10 more in the span of 3 months while i was in and out of ER#and i was genuinely starting to panic over it bc i could PHYSICALLY FEEL my muscles getting eaten bc i had no fat left#like i was getting drastically weaker by the day my knees still won't stop buckling#but in the about three months I've been taking those meds I've. gained 10 back#I'm actually gaining weight like me and my mother are genuinely SHOCKED this genuinely hasn't happened since i was fucking TWELVE#and just now i took off my shirt and noticed. holy shit. my stomach doesn't go CONCAVE when I'm hungry anymore#like whenever i couldn't tell if i was hungry before i would just look at my stomach and be able to tell if it was too curved inwards#but now!!!!!!! it doesn't do that!!!!!!! and I'm genuinely fucking ecstatic like oh my god i don't look dead anymore#I've always wanted to gain weight i feel like i would be 100% more comfortable in my body as a fat trans man#and i can't talk about that to anyone bc they always say it's either self harm or fetishistic#when no i just genuinely feel more comfortable in my skin thinking of myself that way#and now i have confirmation that i would genuinely be happier that way with this bc the sheer joy i have at not being underweight anymore#i mean I'm still a bit under but at least im gaining SOMETHING like at least i dont look like a drowned street cat#seeing the very slight rolls and folds in my stomach when i move the right way makes me happy
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Damn tryna play songs on the piano is HARD man. Like. I've played so much more complicated than this but because I'm tryna sing at the same time I just fuck up CONSTANTLY it's incredibly frustrating
#also my voice hurts#also I'm tired#also I don't even know if my voice is cut out for this sort of song lmao#but OH WELL#reminding myself I do this cuz I love it#and it's pretty fun and the end result will be epic#but it's difficult lmao#this is my first time venturing into simultaneous playing and singing#and even into modern music#because I grew up learning classical and this is a drastic genre shift lmaoo#going from chopin straight to mckenna grace and back again...#learning you ruined nirvana if anyone cares#maybe I'll post my cover when it's finally done lmaoo#I've only done like a verse so far#BUT it's my first time and it's only been two days so I'm pretty proud#anyway#cass thinks ab stuff
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