#and contrary to what everyone says it would not actually benefit me in any way

[boneless-mika]

I dislike the idea that if you block someone you give up the right to talk about them forever. I blocked the aphobes of yore ages ago and yet I still talk about how their aphobia hurt me. I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong because blocking them did not, in fact, undo every cruel thing they said

[tomhardysurinal]

Tale as old as time and we've all said it I know I know but vote for her!! I don't careeeee you can do whatever you like but I'd have so much more respect for you as an individual with integrity if you

Didn't make up a defence for imperialism just because blue team good red team bad

Didn't lie and come out with "oh but she'll be easier to budge than Trump on xyz and we can move her on it later". We've seen you do this over and over again! We can't even test the theory of whether a dem would be more responsive than a republican cuz you stop giving a shit and disengage as soon as you win!!

Again, stopped lying with the "okay but if the choice is good national policy and bad international policy, or both bad policies, it makes sense to pick the first one". It's not a zero sum game and you're lying by saying you care!

Be honest! It's constant lies and misrepresentation and misdirection. Be honest and say she doesn't offend your sensibilities like he does. Overseas does not matter to you if the interest rate on your useless student loan is lowered by 0.01% 😂 say that you don't feel threatened by the police state and, though your neighbour does, that's not a significant enough issue on your radar to behave any differently. "But it'll be worse under red team!" be prepared to back that up and don't throw your toys out of the pram when someone gives evidence to the contrary. If you really think you're representing the grownups, act like one?

Like I'm not even joking like I'm not saying "admit to being kind of a dick" 😂 cuz I know my tone is often uh... a bit bitchy. But people will at least be able to look at you though and go okay. I don't agree with you, but those are your values, they're not the same as mine, let's have a chat. Probably won't get anywhere, but we'll come to the table with some honesty. People not agreeing with you is just life babes it's gonna happen all the time. It's the lying about it that pisses me off more than the disagreeing bc that to me means they actively know there is something wrong, something really dismissive and destructive about what they're espousing and so they choose to lie about it. Absolutely hate that like it is so unimaginably spineless. And it feels like a particular staple of living in north America, Europe etc. of quietly knowing we benefit from a lot of suffering... and I don't expect anyone to self-flagellate over that every second of every minute because that is not a feasible way of staying sane but I don't think the solution is lying about any aspect of it.

There's another option here as well btw which is remembering you don't actually have to be a political commentator and you can keep your shit to yourself if you want! You don't need to broadcast EVERY thought just be quiet and fill the ballot 🙄 if it's that or lying because the only way you can engage on this subject is by being really disingenuous, just be quiet about it 🤷‍♂️ you don't have to be an "activist" like actively being an activist for a political cause of any type should be quite a tiring and educating experience and not everyone can or should do it. Turn the internet offffff

[jackietaylorsghost]

I have a bit of a hot take regarding tlou/tlou2 which is that sometimes a parent will make a decision that goes against a child's wishes for their own wellbeing. I've heard it said "What parent wouldn't make the choice Joel did" and I think it relates to that, taking in everything with the fireflies and that Ellie is A Child, I think Joel was in the right to make that choice for her. I hope this doesn't come across as dismissive of Ellie, because I'm more trying to think of it from the point of view of a parent. Sorry this was so long.

i honestly think this is a very normal take and any to the contrary i find so baffling lol. like look we can debate all day about whether joel did the morally right or wrong thing in terms of the wider world and in regards to his lying too. i personally think he lied to alleviate ellie of this burden she was carrying that she personally had to save the world to make it up to her loved ones that they died and she didn’t. in the context of him telling her that he’d struggled with surviving but you had to find something to live for i can see his wish for her to not carry that burden cus ofc as a parent you wouldn’t want that and for me i think it’s a bit of a superficial take to say he saved her and then lied out of selfishness cus he couldn’t bear to lose her bcus whilst yes it benefits him too, i don’t see that as his primary reasoning - I think this is backed up too when he tells ellie that he’d do the whole thing again. that’s so striking to me cus the (stupid) consequence of his actions was losing a kid for a second time but despite that pain, knowing that consequence, he’d do it again. doesn’t smack of selfishness for me, i think that’s incredibly selfless of him actually considering he’d lost a kid before and took so long to get over it. but that’s MY interpretation and everyone’s will be different and i can at least acknowledge that.

but this continued nonsense about joel doing the wrong thing for ellie when he saved her bcus he was taking away her agency makes me want to die actually. it’s so fucking weird. ellie is ready to die bcus of TRAUMA. and that’s not actually a good reason to let a 14yr old kid die. if we wanna talk about agency/autonomy let’s talk about how the fireflies were attempting to manipulate/exploit ellie’s trauma and survivor’s guilt in order to justify what they were going to with her, cus that’s far more fucked up and is what ACTUALLY takes away ellie’s agency. it so fucking exploitative. ‘you know she’d want this’ well first of all then at least have the decency to actually ask her and second of all yeah i think she’d have agreed to it but wanting to out of guilt and trauma isn’t actually a free choice lol? and there should be no fucking debate on that. joel absolutely did the right thing to stop them.

i think a big part of this agency/autonomy thing is a result of part 2 lol. i think it’s easy to use it as some war cry to justify why joel had absolution coming to him and deserved to be beaten to death the disgusting way he was. almost as though it’s some sort of justification for abby and liking her. joel had it coming blah blah he stole the cure from the world and he took away ellie’s agency go abby!! which is just bullshit imo but what can you do.

what i think is the biggest shame of all is that part 2, in its attempt to justify a complete estrangement between joel and ellie so that her suffering would be Worse when he died (cus they didn’t give her enough trauma in that horrible game), went with this idea of ellie being mad that joel took away her chance to have a life that mattered. that fucking sucks for me cus she’s my favourite character and i wanted more for her. i wanted to see her overcome that trauma and let go of her guilt by realising it wasn’t her fault her friends died and i most of all wanted her to realise her life ALWAYS mattered and that’s why joel saved her. instead ofc the narrative wouldn’t work unless we had 25 hours of it being shoved down our throats that joel was so Wrong for saving ellie that they didn’t examine his actions and the reasons with any nuance or care, it was just so superficial and boring and heavy handed. how sad that at 14 ellie was ready to die bcus of trauma and thought her life didn’t matter/have value unless she was a cure and at 19 she still thought her life didn’t matter cus she wasn’t a cure. she deserved better. from the narrative AND this fandom that, if they actually cared about her as a character, wouldn’t keep banging on about joel taking away her agency/autonomy and would have wanted to see the same growth in her i wanted to see instead of thinking it’s some great masterpiece that she’s completely stagnant, even after she’s been tortured relentlessly for 25 straight hours lmao. i find it all so bizarre to see ppl claim to care about ellie but don’t see anything wrong with how the devs treated her in order to tell their misery porn story. these are the same ppl who so patronisingly write on this app about how they’re ‘the real fans’ (ive had this directed to me personally) cus they were sooooo clever to understand part 2 lmfaoooo.

anyway this got away from me and was far bitchier in parts than id intended it to be ajsjjs it just Grinds My Gears when this agency crap comes up cus it’s ridiculous BUT yes i agree with you completely.

[rainbowsky]

so today my mom was over at my place and my desktop background is a picture of xiao zhan from his winter solstice shoot, and when she saw it she asked who the hottie was and i had to restrain myself bc it was not the time place or the right person to info dump to! luckily or maybe unfortunately as an autistic person "conceal don't reveal" is a thing at which i excel alkjhslkdjf

but that got me wondering if i could perhaps ask for your perspective and experience with this, since i know you are also autistic. i find it very difficult to determine how much of my hyperfixations and special interests are safe to reveal to others and i've had some not so great reactions before so now i tend to keep up the mask and hold it all in, even with people close to me. as a result i know i probably come across as a very boring and negative person who is never interested in anything. i don't think i'm like that, but honestly i'm not sure anymore. i've pretended for so long i don't really know who i am.

do you share a lot with the people around you about your special interests? how do you know when where and to whom it's safe? does it all come down to surrounding yourself with good and understanding people that you're comfortable around and that accept you completely? writing it out now it looks so simple, like yes of course that's what i'm supposed to do! but how?? i don't know how to read people and on the occasions i have decided to trust someone and it turned out to be a huge mistake it feels really bad to be proven wrong, and being wrong lowers the chances that i'll open up again.

i can't help but fear that i will never be able to truly be myself around other people. in online spaces it's possible to stay anonymous and it's easy to just block and ignore the assholes, but it seems much harder irl. do you perhaps have any tips? since we have some of the same interests and your blog exudes a calm and accepting energy i feel like you would be a good person to ask. i hope it doesn't put you out.

thanks so much and take care! 💜

Hi Anon! 💖

It's not your job to protect people from your personality. I'm sad whenever I see this being taught to people, it's so wrong.

There is an affirmation that's been making the rounds for years that is so true: "You deserve to be loved without having to hide the parts of yourself that you think are unlovable."

A lot of neurodivergent people seem to carry the baggage of neurotypical people's disdain toward, impatience with and disrespect for the differences of others, and to that I say: BS. Their bigotry, ignorance and entitlement are not your problem.

A lot of the standards and expectations around how people 'should' be are a product of dominance culture (aka white supremacy culture). The belief that there is 'one right way' to be - and that the only way to be worthy and acceptable in society is to conform to that 'one right way' - is a core feature of dominance culture. That culture is one of the most destructive forces on the planet, and I urge everyone to root it out and dismantle it wherever they find it.

In fact there are many wonderful ways to be and live, and in a conformist world our choice to love ourselves, be ourselves and pursue self-actualization is a revolutionary act.

Of course we can and should work with others to build bridges across our differences and find ways to ensure that both people's needs get met in our relationships. But it's important that it is a two-way street, and not just a situation where we're doing all the adapting and accommodating and they're reaping all the benefits of being catered to*.

When that happens we end up having our value and self-esteem undermined while theirs is boosted, validated and affirmed. That only exacerbates the power imbalances and further erodes the relationship and our ability to build healthy, trusting connections.

*Contrary to popular belief, neurodivergent people spend their lives and a great deal of energy accommodating neurotypical people - not the other way around. The fairly recent, mostly tokenistic attempts to make spaces and cultures more 'ND-friendly' can't even hold a faint candle to the insane pretzels ND people have had to twist ourselves into for decades trying to 'fit in' and be accepted into a world which still caters almost exclusively to able-bodied, white, straight, cisgender, affluent, educated, neurotypical people.

So, to answer your question - be yourself, and in this way you will find your people.

Authenticity is the only way to build authentic relationships and connections.

If there are people in our lives who don't understand us and who treat our interests and our personalities as 'a problem', that's a problem that both sides need to address. We need to self-examine and make sure we are making space for the other person to express themselves, but they also need to do the same for us.

Balance is found by working together toward a common goal - a genuine connection between two people. Make sure that you both share that goal. Communicate your needs and ask them to share what their needs are as well.

Our needs matter.

Don't let them go unnoticed, unacknowledged and unmet. Not by you or anyone else.

We're all in fandom, we're all familiar with the concept of 'the confession'. This is actually an important concept in all relationships, not just romantic ones. Because in ALL relationships, being yourself is the ultimate act of love.

Just like a love confession, it requires vulnerability, trust and a desire to connect. When we reach out to someone to share some part of who we are inside, we are initiating a connection with that person and giving them the gift of our authentic self.

If they are unable or unwilling to accept that and meet us where we are, then they are probably not the right person for us to connect with, or else they aren't yet ready to connect.

That can be painful and can feel like a form of rejection, but I try to take those things as useful information, and treat my personality as a friend filter. Those who are put off by me aren't the right people for me to try to be close to. I want to surround myself with people who are able to be real with me and accept me and celebrate me for who I am (and vice versa).

Special interests are a big part of that, because they become so central in our lives. If we have people close to us who can't make space for us and our special interests in some way, then we will end up feeling lonely and invisible. That becomes even worse when we are shamed and ridiculed for our interests.

I go back to what I said before - our needs matter. If we work toward having truly reciprocal, equitable relationships where both people's needs are being met, we will be happier overall.

Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication is a great place to start on that project.

Trust is hard. I am naive and trusting to a fault, and I have to lean heavily at times on others who have my best interests in mind, or else I end up being bullied or taken advantage of.

If you're struggling with that, I urge you to find someone you can truly trust (preferably multiple people) - such as a close friend or family member who has proved to truly have your best interests at heart, or if you can't find that, a therapist who understands your needs and vulnerabilities and can be a support and a sounding board - and get their help and advice in situations you're uncertain about.

If you can't find a therapist and you have no close people you trust, there are many online communities and groups where you can find like-minded people to bounce these things off of.

Most importantly, always remember that everything we say, do and think can only ever be a reflection of ourselves, our values, and what's in our hearts and minds. It can never be about anyone else.

If people treat you badly it's not because you're bad, it's because they are.

(or rather, because they're unexamined, unevolved, mean-spirited, in a dark place, self-focused to a fault, etc. etc. but that doesn't make as memorable a sound bite)

Don't let unexamined, unevolved, mean-spirited people, etc., etc. teach you to think or feel badly about yourself. Understand that hurtful criticism is about the other person and their expectations, values and attitudes, not about you.

Exercise healthy boundaries. Understand where the other person ends and where you begin, and refuse to take on things that aren't part of who you are. Ask yourself, "Do I truly agree with what this person is saying?"

Is what the other person claims true, fair, honest, and said in the spirit of compassion and connection, or was it said in a judgmental, self-absorbed (focusing on their needs at the exclusion of your own), punitive way? Are they trying to connect with you or are they trying to control or change you?

We can often have a tendency to hear criticism - particularly from those who we look up to or want to have a connection with - as truth being served to us by someone who sees something in us, when in most cases other people's criticism truly has nothing to do with us. It's about the other person and what they want.

This tendency to gobble up negative messages from others ties in with the nearly universal experience of imposter feelings - the idea that deep down inside we are unworthy, a fraud and an imposter, and it's only a matter of time before others will find us out and condemn us. This is another feature of dominance culture.

People are much more attuned to negative messages than to positive ones because of the deep, secret fear that we are bad. Which is so tragic, because the people who know us best and have our best interests in mind are the loving voices we tend to dismiss, while the mean-spirited messages from hurtful people are taken to heart.

But as I said before, their criticism has less to do with us and much, much more to do with who they are and what they want.

And what they want might not be right for us, so we should be cautious and considered in how we handle it. We need to unpack and examine it, and only take in what feels fair and helpful and can enrich our lives and lead to growth.

I know I say this a lot, but we should never let anyone else tell us who we are. We are the only experts on ourselves. If we are self-examined, honest and personally accountable, and if we are doing our best and acting in good faith, that is all anyone can ask of us.

So as I see it, you are dealing with two separate issues:

The internalized belief that you are 'too much' for neurotypical people to want to be around.

Issues around trust in relationships.

Recognizing these as two separate issues and reflecting on them as such might help a lot.

The first is an issue of self-acceptance. Only by looking at yourself as worthy and valuable and interesting can you go out into the world and take your place in relationships as an equal who has something appropriate to contribute rather than approaching it as though you are a burden.

Only by championing your own needs, traits and beautiful qualities as every bit as valid and important as the needs, traits and qualities of those around you will you find a balance and build relationships where you are appreciated and valued.

The second issue is something that takes time, but building trust means taking risks - there's no way around it.

Don't take other people's disappointing behavior personally. When we test the waters to see if someone is worthy of our trust and they show us they aren't - that's useful information about our incompatibilities with that person. It doesn't say anything about our selves, or about our worth as humans. All it tells us is that we are going to have to look elsewhere to find the right connection.

Long-winded and meandery, but I have a lot of thoughts on these topics because they're issues I've grappled with a lot in my life. I hope any of it is helpful, Anon. And I hope you find ways to be comfortable sharing more of yourself with others who can accept you and celebrate you for who you are.

I talked in more detail about conformity, acceptance and dealing with people who ridicule our interests/fandom here.

I talked more about dealing with issues around autism here.

EDIT: A couple of follow-up posts

About the limitations and barriers some people face with building in-person connections

Further tips and reading on self-esteem

[redwineconversation]

tell me I'm despicable, say it's unforgivable (Lyon - Galatarasay Postgame Thoughts)

Let's be honest with ourselves: Lyon did not play well this game.

I'm happy for the win, I'm glad Diani scored, I'm glad Hegerberg is back, I'm glad Chawinga is finally contributing to the team. I'm glad for all those things.

It doesn't erase the fact Lyon was shooting with absolutely zero threat or precision. Sometimes it felt like they were taking a shot so they could say they did. They got away with this extreme sloppiness because they are better than Galatarsay, AS Roma and Wolfsburg will be less forgiving.

I don't think Horan and Dumornay should have stayed on for 90 minutes, but especially not Dumornay. They were both missing chances they should have been able to put away in their sleep. Horan couldn't connect a pass. Dumornay couldn't see a pass. It was really frustrating from two players who are definitely capable of performing so much better. And it's one of those things where when it's so obviously not their night, making them play 90 minutes just seems so counterproductive. No one benefited from their frustration. They were just off, and no one would have thought less of Montemurro for taking off players who simply just weren't playing well.

I saw some bitching / pearl clutching about Diani being taken off when she was on a hat trick but there is a pretty brutal stretch of games coming up over the next six weeks and I for one am not going to lose any sleep over Montemurro actually using rotation. Would it have been cool if she had gotten a hat trick yes? Yes, but with Lyon's shooting woes, there would have been zero guarantee she would have gotten it.

It's hard to really judge how Lyon's defense was because they had so little to do. Svava continues to impress, and I'd rather have a signing prove everyone wrong in a good way than the opposite. Gilles continues to be, well, Gilles. Renard didn't really do anything either way. Carpenter had a couple of really sloppy passes at the back but you can also see definite improvement in her crossing so it's kind of a wash in that sense. So they didn't have much to do in defense but the offense was so off it's hard to really get a read on their other contributions.

I don't really think the midfield did much to write home about either. Marozsan does seem to be in the middle of a resurrection, which, like, good for her but I still want her off the payroll. I don't care if you call me a hater, I'm still right. For me, her moments of inconsistency outweigh her moments of brilliance. I am more forgiving when the scale is in the other direction, it's just not the case here.

Not to upset van de Donk's bunny boilers but she had a bad game, too. Which, like, is fine, because contrary to Love Island FC stans, it is okay to admit a player you like had bad games and/or played like shit. It wasn't a good game from her. She got subbed. Again, I'd rather a player having a bad game gets subbed than is kept on and dumb shit happens. It does make me curious what the lineup will be against Dijon and against WOB though.

Hegerberg was extremely rusty but that's to be expected. I don't think we can really get a judge on where she is at before February and that's assuming there are no injuries/setbacks between now and then. You just can't judge a player returning to form when they have been out for that long. She can still run, great, but her timing etc was way off. You just can't really make a judgment on any of it.

Endler was Endler, didn't have much to do, did her job on the rare occasions she had to. Again, can't really make a judgment on it because the game doesn't really tell you anything.

I'll take the three points, I'll take the win, but there were a lot of negatives in this game and pretending there weren't any isn't going to do anyone any favors. Let's see if they sleepwalk during the Dijon game and whether they can finally shoot on goal during the WOB game.

[Fun fact: Lyon drew against Dijon a few years ago and if you thought today's performance was bad boy do I envy your selective memory]

[ekkurea]

(im the anon who sent the rendering ask and tips) AS SOMEOEN W STEM BACKGROUND WE’re always yk making things easier for us with ai.. im gonnaa divert a bit..i asked a professor (this was a neuroscience conference) why dont we perfect ai and develop a new artificial brain instead of studying the human brain… he had the most simple basic reply … why wouldnt you want to usee ai to understand yourbrain first… its a tool that can help us understand an actual brain why not use it there… i didnt really have an answer back then… but with your insight i resonate his answer w yours.. any other field ai is a helping hand and as much as i am against ai art … i see the potential it offers …. and obviously one needs to knoww their basics to use ai ot any tool !! and i just wanna say KUDOS FOR DOING IT :))) !! LITERALLY ALL SO MYCH LOVE FOR YOY!! GO YOU !!! 🫶

Hello! ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡ I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart( ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)ഒ These are really important words for me. I needed to read them to make my heart feel better. I love your every word! ଘ(੭◌ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ♡‧₊˚

And I was very interested when you said about the neuroscience lectures! Apart from the fact that I love to hear people talk about their fields of study, I am also interested in their perspective on my field (*^ω^)八(⌒▽⌒)八(-‿‿- )ヽ

Next, I want to share my thoughts on what drawing means to me and what I think is the value of drawings (and not only). Sorry, I'll share some new art soon. m(_ _)m

I'm not a fan of AI art either, but I don't devalue the work of AI artists either.

I really like the process of creating drawings(ღ˘⌣˘ღ) For me, it is not only therapy but also a way of preserving a piece of my soul in a drawing (or anything else "created by hand"). I keep drawings that may seem unsuccessful now. Because they reflect my view of the world at the time when I created them. Looking at them, I travel through the memories of my life. I think it's like a photograph. It stops time, conveys the focus, where the author's gaze was directed and shows what and how he sees. We can talk about this endlessly. 彡ﾟ◉ω◉ )つー☆* I'm one of those people who understand the popularity and value of Malevich's black square. (By the way, he is a Ukrainian artist. I say this because you might have heard a lie somewhere, if you know what I mean)

I also want to expand a bit on the topic of values that I emphasize in things. It's cool if they go hand in hand.

(੭ˊ͈ ꒵ˋ͈)੭̸*✧⁺˚ The first is the author. We can be supporters of a person, their life, their worldview... I'm ready to pay more if it's created by a person I'm interested in and like. This way I get a piece of him and support him. I think people who are fans of someone will understand me.

(੭ˊ͈ ꒵ˋ͈)੭̸*✧⁺˚ The second is the finished product. Recently, there were campaigns in my country and around the world about how artificial intelligence sees the exploitation of animals. It really doesn't matter to me that the machine created these images in a minute. The main thing is the benefit that came from it.

For example, another area is medicine. Doctors used to practice all their lives to move more and more perfectly during operations. And yet there is a level of precision that we will never be able to match. But a machine can do it. So why not let technology do it?

(((＞＜))) We are afraid of change. Artists, actors, construction workers, everyone is afraid of losing their jobs. I am too! But if it's not something that is aimed at destroying all life, then maybe it can help us on the contrary. We'll see where it takes us. And if it happens that no one wants my drawings at all, I know what I want to do with myself. This is about the fact that when people trusted progress, they found time and opportunities to improve other areas of life.

(*˘︶˘*).｡.:*♡ I would hold drawing lessons, creative evenings... Experience has shown that the Internet can provide a lot of knowledge, but live classes, the creative process, conversations, support, discussions are something that no machine can replace. And the way students and their parents call and write to me and say that they miss our classes warms my heart every time. I also miss this atmosphere.

(人´∀｀)．☆．。．:*･° And if you didn't know what to do in the evening, take it as a sign. Take pencils, paints, paper or anything else, turn on your favorite movie or music and create. Do what you want and what your heart tells you to do. Alone or with someone. Don't worry about being perfect and professional! No, that's not the point. Just have fun!

I will end. Haha!

I don't know how it happened, but sorry for the sea of text! m(_ _;m)三(m;_ _)m

I love you and thank you for supporting me! (*꒦ິ꒳꒦ີ) ☆

P.s. I also want to say that English is not my native language and I am very bad at it. So if I made a mistake somewhere and someone wants to correct me, no problem! I am happy to learn!

Also, let me know if it's boring, obvious, and not interesting to anyone. I will not be offended in any way! I'm just not going to talk about things that I wasn't even asked about and will leave these conversations for my friends. Haha.

[daeneryseastar]

your first talking point implies that i believe viserys was ‘worthy’ of the throne to begin with, and i don’t. the whole point of that specific phrase being used was to point out the hypocrisy in calling out how ‘rhaenyra did nothing but rely on viserys’ and yet how aegon did the exact same thing with alicent but is conveniently left out of the conversation. and you’re right! no one is actually worthy because blah blah blah it’s a feudal society. the concept doesn’t really exist unless it’s being used as political propaganda for the candidate who is to become the reigning monarch or acting lord. you’ll notice how i never said that rhaenyra was worthy either, and nothing about my post implies as such. the ‘won power through threats and intimidation’ is a disingenuous statement considering that’s how plenty of houses gained their power, you know, because westeros is feudalistic? power vacuums? the targaryen’s aren’t the only ones who benefit from the system, contrary to antis beliefs.

i disagree with ‘it’s more like political pawns solely being used to secure their factions interest’ because that directly removes any and all culpability from rhaenyra and aegon during the dance. these two are not children when it occurs. i’m not going to get into ages on the show due to how messy the timeline is, but rhaenyra is 31/32 in f&b and aegon is 22. adults. especially by westeros’ standards. rhaenyra did not want war initially, and maybe aegon didn’t either, but that doesn’t change that they do hold at least partial responsibility for it. maybe when rhaenyra was younger you could use that excuse, but it doesn’t hold up during the war, just like aegon’s ’but my sister is the heir, not me. why would a brother steal his sister’s birthright?’ also doesn’t hold up. that statement to begin with could also be taken as pro-aegon propaganda, what with the whole ‘all three of alicent’s sons viewed rhaenyra and her sons as stealing their birthright’ mentioned earlier in the book disputing it. you’re also contradicting yourself in the tags by saying that viserys committed treason by being elected as king despite rhaenys’ stronger claim, but then saying that everyone during the dance period had ‘equal claims’ to the iron throne. that isn’t how it works.

your last point is moot considering the targaryen’s didn’t descend into ‘near’ irrelevance after the war, they still rule for almost 200 more years AND the most powerful person in the asoiaf main timeline is a targaryen. irrelevance implies nonexistence (whether that’s due to the ‘bloodline’ dying out, their political prowess not being as strong, or not being as powerful of a house is apart of that), which, very resoundly, is not the case here. i would think that i would be able to make a comparison on a post blatantly tagged ‘anti team green’ and ‘anti aegon ii targaryen’ without meatriders showing up and purposely missing the point of the post, but alas, here we are. ‘this isn’t disney’ yeah, i know. kind of obvious since i mentioned aegon’s gratuitous raping of serving girls, but i guess that point was completely glossed over in your reading. do i need to mention the 12 year old from f&b as well? the way i apparently need to point out every single flaw of every single character in a post comparing two specific characters shows more about your comprehension skills than mine.

it’s always ‘rhaenyra did nothing to secure her ascension, she just relied on her daddy to uphold her claim’ and never ‘aegon did nothing to prove he was worthy of being named heir, let alone being king, and solely relied on his mommy and grandpa to cover for his less than stellar hobbies like his drinking issues and his raping of serving girls’ in this essay i will-

[charles-rxwlands]

lay all your love on me

okay!! so this is my fic for @magpiencrow's 1.2k writing challenge.

this is based off of the song lay all your love on me, slowed, by putin

pairing: nikolai/reader

rating: general

tags: gn!reader w/ gn pronouns, fluff

summary: falling in love with nikolai lantsov told through several vignettes

or: mindless nikolai/reader fluff with a alina and ivan being little shits

warnings: right off the bat there's a nightmare about drowning in the ocean, and there's one (1) swear word at the end, but other than that, there's nothing

word count: 4.1k

read on ao3

constructive criticism, feedback, and reblogs are greatly appreciated !

I haven't written anything in a while, so i may be a bit rusty, but please enjoy :)

You were drowning, and also pretty damn sure you were going to die out here. Your lungs were on fire, screaming for air, but you couldn't emerge from the ocean for long enough to suck in a breath. Sure, your hand or head breached the surface every now and then, but a wave would come crashing down on you immediately after, destroying all your progress.

      The undulating waves threw you around like a football - a very pathetic one, at that. As hard as you tried to fight the current, it still insisted on moving against you (stubborn bastard), so really you weren't going anywhere. Just pathetically bobbing around in the same pathetic place. You couldn't feel your limbs - the only thing you could feel was the agonising ache in your chest. It was as if your arms and legs had frozen over along with your will to live.

      How easy it would be to just... 

...let the ocean take you...

      Suddenly, someone grabbed you by the wrist. You screamed, which was a mistake; immediately, salty seawater filled your mouth, making you gag and choke. Nevertheless, you valiantly tried to release yourself from whoever - whatever? - had their hold on you. 

      "Y/n, Y/n! Relax, darling, relax," a voice said, sounding out of breath. "It's me."

      You whirled your head around. Sagging with relief, you gasped out the name of your saviour. "Nikolai."

      "Yes. Yes, Y/n, my love, it's me. It's Nikolai," he soothed, running his hands over your wet hair.

      "Nikolai," you breathed. "Nikola-" - a wave reared up on its hind legs, ready to come crashing down onto your friend, ready to take him away - "no, no, Nikolai, NO-!"

   

You startled, eyes flying open. You were shaking like a leaf. Were you cold, or was it just the adrenaline from the nightmare still making its course? You shook your head as if to rid your mind of the dream. It wasn't real. Nikolai had saved you that night. It was fine. It wasn't real.

      But it could very well have been real, a traitorous voice in your mind whispered. Scowling, you cursed your pessimistic side. Even if a wave had separated you two, Nikolai would have fought tooth and nail to get to you again. You would have done the same. After all, you were childhood friends, and you knew better than anyone that Nikolai didn't let go of his loved ones so easily.

      He hadn't wanted you to accompany him on his journey overseas as Sturmhond. You insisted otherwise, channeling some of Nikolai's stubbornness that had rubbed off on you. ("You're not getting rid of me that easily, idiot. So let me come, unless you want me to steal your kneecaps."). 

      A half-smile appeared on your face as you thought back to the memory. Slowly, you got up from your bed. Your blanket was draped over your shoulders. You slipped out of your cabin quietly, walking down the hallway until you found yourself in front of Nikolai's room. He stirred in his sleep when you entered. The door creaked slightly, but it didn't seem like his distress was because of the noise.

      You sat on the edge of his bed. Nikolai, previously facing away, turned over to face you. His eyes were still screwed shut, eyebrows knitted together and an unhappy expression on his face. You frowned. 

      "Nikolai." you nudged him gently. "Wake up. You're okay, just wake up. It's just a dream."

      He opened his eyes, blinking at you. "Y/n?"

      "Hi," you said. A lock of golden hair fell over his forehead, and upon instinct, you reached to brush it away. He let you, not uttering any of his usual complaints. 

      "You were gone," he mumbled, undoubtedly referencing his nightmare. "I- I couldn't save you, and you were gone." 

      You shifted into a more comfortable position - your whole body was on the bed now, with your back against the headboard. He leaned his head against your chest, and you ran your fingers through his hair. "It wasn't real. It's okay. You saved me - I'm not going anywhere, 'Lai."

      "Me either," he agreed, wrapping his arms around your middle. A beat of silence. Then, "Thank you."

      You were more than content to fall asleep like this. Even if it meant waking up with an ache in your neck. Judging from the way he was curled up, practically drinking in your presence, Nikolai felt the same way.

      What a feeling it was to have found solace in Nikolai Lantsov, and to know he had found solace in you, too.

· · ─── ·𖥸· ─── · ·

Nikolai's pov

Nikolai watched from the corner of the ballroom as you laughed at one of Ivan's jokes. One would say that he was scowling, but the Prince of Ravka didn't scowl. No - he was simply observing your conversation with the Heartrender with visible distaste. He was not scowling. And he was not jealous.

      You and Ivan were smiling at each other, standing by the refreshments table, mouths moving quickly, the both of you obviously interested in whatever you were talking about. You threw your head back in a laugh. You looked gorgeous. Nikolai wanted to make you laugh like that - more than he wanted to admit.

      The last straw was when Ivan lay a hand on your shoulder, and then snaked his arm around you. You didn't seem perturbed by his touch - no, actually, you leaned into it. He bent down to whisper something in your ear that made you duck your head in embarrassment and lightly hit his chest. 

      Nikolai's glare deepened, if that were even possible. Okay, fine, maybe he was jealous. Did he even have the right to be jealous, though? It wasn't as if he was dating you, as much as he'd like to be.

And oh boy, he'd like to be. 

      Suddenly, Alina appeared at his side, seemingly out of thin air. He flinched. "Alina." 

      The girl in question had a mischievous look in her eye. Her hands were clasped in front of her, the long, flowy sleeves of her dress falling just past her wrists. The bottom half of her gown was a sparkly gold, whereas the top half was a dark blue. The two colours faded into each other at the middle, creating a gradient effect. It was a beautiful dress. You had helped Alina pick it out yourself, if he remembered correctly.

      "Hello, loverboy." she poked him in the side, grinning knowingly. "How's your crush on Y/n going for you?"

      "I don't have a crush on them, Alina, for Saint's sake."

      "Oh, is that so? You do seem... ah, what was the word... utterly whipped for them, contrary to what you just said," she said, tilting her head to the side, feigning innocence.

      "Am not," he argued. "I-," Nikolai paused, taking notice of you and Ivan walking past a couple metres away. Unfortunately, you were too engrossed in your current conversation to notice him. His eyes lingered on you. He only looked away when you disappeared back into the throng of people. 

      Alina let out a triumphant 'ha!'. 

      He directed his attention back to her and glared. "Alina, I swear-,"

      "Utterly. Whipped," she mouthed.

      "I will behead you," he threatened.

      She laughed. "In all seriousness, I really don't think Y/n and Ivan like each other like that," Alina said.

      "Well, of course not," he agreed. "Y/n very clearly has eyes for me. I can't say I blame them - who could resist all this? Everyone's all over me, as I'm sure you've noticed." 

      Alina stared at him pointedly.

      "Ah, except for you, of course. You seem to be the only one immune to my charm and charisma. An odd one, you are."

       She rolled her eyes. "Why do I even bother," she groaned. "Just swear to me that you'll tell Y/n you like them soon. Within a week. Swear on... your dignity."

      "My dignity?" Nikolai drawled.

      "Yes, your dignity, because if you don't fess up soon, I'll have to tell Y/n about your crush on them myself," she grinned smugly, and darted off before Nikolai could retort. 

      He sighed. As he saw it, he had three options:

      1. Blackmail Alina (because of course she wouldn't give in to simple bribery)

      2. Get on his knees and beg Alina to not tell you of his massive crush (there! he admitted it; he had a massive crush on you! One that he'd been harbouring for just over a year now, too)

      3. Listen to Alina, and confess on his own terms

      All three were mortifying, and things he absolutely didn't want to do. However, the last was considerably easier to do, and came with the most benefits and the least consequences. You had already seen him through his most embarrassing moments (and he through yours) so even if you rejected him, the humiliation would be minimal. 

      And maybe he wanted to confess. And maybe there was hope that you liked him back. Nikolai wasn't stupid - he knew when people fancied him. He suspected you liked him back, but then again, that could've been wishful thinking, or maybe he was misreading the entire thing.

      He didn't even understand why he was so jealous of the way Ivan and you had interacted. Before he had fallen heads over heels in love with you, his childhood best friend, people flirting with you hadn't been a problem. He'd encouraged it, even. But now, bitterness flared up inside of him every time he saw someone getting a bit too cozy with you. 

      In short, his feelings for you had completely destroyed his facade of smooth, suave, sexy Prince of Ravka. And it kind of terrified him how poorly he hid it.

· · ─── ·𖥸· ─── · ·

Nikolai had been acting strange lately, and it was bothering you. You feared the worst - had he finally caught on to your crush? You thought you'd been subtle until Ivan had approached you at the most recent party. Apparently, the scowl on your face as you watched Nikolai flirt with the guests had been fierce enough to kill.

      Ivan had given you (unsolicited) advice, telling you to be straightforward and direct. That was what he'd done with Fedyor, after all, and that had worked out well.

      You were pacing around your room. Ivan was perched on your bed, watching you have a borderline nervous breakdown like one would watch the view. 

      "You're enjoying this, aren't you, Ivan?" you demanded. "I'm about to make a life or death decision, and you're enjoying it."

      He chuckled. "I wouldn't call this a life or death decision, Y/n. If Nikolai rejects you, he rejects you, and it's his loss. If he reciprocates, good, and you'll be free to frolic in the meadows with him, all fine and dandy."

      You stared at him, your expression communicating, "Did you really just say that?", very clearly.

      "Okay, okay, fine, I'll be serious." Ivan relented. "Just tell him, Y/n. What's the worst that could happen?" 

      Just as you were about to respond - "Well, I don't know, what if he rejects me, things become eternally awkward between us, and our 10 year long friendship is ruined because I couldn't keep my mouth shut?" - someone knocked at the door. You opened it to find Nikolai waiting. His hair was perfectly styled, as always. He wore a dark turquoise suit jacket, and a simple white dress shirt underneath. The ghost of a smile appeared on your face; you had chosen the colour for him.

      "Hi, Nikolai," you greeted. 

      "Hello," he said. "Come on a walk with me. It's a lovely day outside, and both of us have been dreadfully busy lately - we may not get another chance to spend time together, I'm afraid."

      "Oh! Of course, just let me grab more suitable shoes- I'll be out in a minute- Ivan, move." You rummaged around your room in search of the sandals Nikolai had gifted you for your most recent birthday. Ivan flashed you a grin.

      "Tell him!" he whispered as you ducked out the door.

      You hoped you didn't seem too jittery as you took Nikolai's arm, even if your insides were filled with butterflies. He seemed deep in thought for the first few minutes of your walk. It wasn't until you were both outside that he finally spoke.

      "I hope you don't mind me asking, Y/n, but what was Ivan doing in your room?" he asked. 

      The question caught you off guard. Why was he so concerned about you and Ivan? It wasn't as if-

      Oh.

      Oh.

      "Nikolai, don't tell me- are you jealous?" you exclaimed.

      "Just answer the question, Y/n," he grumbled, which was enough of an answer for you.

      You laughed, only feeling a bit bad that you were so amused. Nikolai Lantsov, jealous. You found that incredibly funny. "Oh, I'm sorry for laughing," you apologised, even as another giggle escaped your mouth. "You don't have to worry, Ivan and I are strictly friends."

      He didn't seem convinced. "But the two of you at the party a few days ago-,"

      You cut him off. "Nikolai. I promise that there is nothing romantic going on with Ivan and I. And besides, I don't think I'm anywhere near his type."

      "Ivan likes men, Nikolai," you supplied, sensing his confusion. "Honestly, you need to keep up with gossip - he and Fedyor have been going strong for nearly three months now."

      "Oh," Nikolai said.

      "Yeah, oh."

      "And, uh, do you? Like men, I mean?" 

      You bit back another laugh. "Yes, I do. One man in particular, actually." 

      "Is that so? Care to clue me in on who this man is?"

      "You." 

· · ─── ·𖥸· ─── · ·

Nikolai's pov

"You."

      As soon as that single word came out of your mouth, Nikolai's brain short-circuited, and several alarms blared in his mind. ALERT! ALERT! THE PERSON YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH LIKES YOU BACK! 

      He was too stunned to speak, which was definitely a first. So, naturally, he didn't speak, but instead leaned in to kiss you. His lips brushed chastely against yours. A pause. 

      "I- I'm really sorry, Y/n, I should have asked beforehand-,"

      "Nikolai." you took his face in your hands. "Shut up." 

      And then you kissed him, and if his brain had been short-circuiting before, this was a full blown system failure. Sparks flew inside of him, and he was acutely aware of you and you only. It was a wonderful feeling, one that he immediately missed when you pulled away.

      "Wow," you said. 

      He grinned. "I'm that good of a kisser, huh?"

      When usually you would come up with a witty response, you just smiled. It was a smile Nikolai was pretty sure he'd die to see again. 

· · ─── ·𖥸· ─── · ·

Falling in love with Nikolai had been a long process. Your simple crush developed into something deeper like a leaky faucet dripping - slowly, but steadily. And then the realisation that you were in love with him hit you like a tidal wave. Drowning you, consuming every inch of your being, but not necessarily in a bad way.

       You came to your epiphany while laying awake in bed one night after a whole day spent with the esteemed King of Ravka. It was a wonder that you'd managed to spend a whole 10 hours or so in his company without getting fed up, Tamar had teased. He did annoy you - and had today - but you bullied him back plenty enough. It was easy being with him. Easier than you were used to. 

       You loved the way his eyes sparkled after correcting someone on their use of the word 'impossible'. Loved how he devoted himself to his country so selflessly. Loved how he smiled at you so genuinely and lovingly, even when you didn't have the energy to show your love in return after a bad day. Saints, you loved him so, so much, and you were so in love with him, too, and-

       Holy shit. You were in love with Nikolai.

       You were in love. With Nikolai.

       A childish giggle bubbled up inside of you, and you sighed happily. What a feeling it was to be in love with the King of Ravka, even if he didn't know it yet. 

· · ─── ·𖥸· ─── · ·

You twirled a small flower around in your hands as you walked side by side with Nikolai, your shoulders brushing occasionally. The taller blades of grass tickled your ankles, and a gentle breeze weaved through your hair. The sun peeked out from behind a few clouds, warming your face.

     Nikolai intertwined your fingers, sighing in content. He craned back his neck to meet the sunshine, eyes fluttering shut. He looked stunning, just standing there with his almost otherworldly beauty as light spilled over his fine features, highlighting every detail.

     "I'm in love with you," you blurted suddenly. "I love you, and I'm also in love with you, so. Yeah. I'm in love with you, Nikolai Lantsov."

     You gave yourself a mental round of applause for your eloquence and tact.

      He blinked. "Oh." The ghost of a smile appeared on his face, turning into a full-fledged grin when he finally processed your words. "Oh. I'm... I'm in love with you, too, Y/n L/n."

      You beamed back at him, and cupped his face in your hands. You gently ran your fingers against his cheeks, tracing a line down to the base of his chest. The fabric of his shirt was thin and soft, unlike the suffocating material his suits were made of. Lovingly, he wrapped his arms around your waist, and pulled you close. Your heart fluttered. Saints, you adored Nikolai. More than you could put into words. 

      "I love you," you whispered. "I love you so much, so intensely that it consumes me, and I'm drowning in it. But instead of it being hard to breathe, it makes breathing easier. It makes everything easier." 

      You interrupted your little speech by kissing him, just because it felt appropriate, and continued. "I was so lost without you, Nikolai. I didn't realise it, because as I've proved time and time again, I'm more than capable of holding my own-" you smirked as he rolled his eyes at the jab to his overprotectiveness "-but I was. I was a boat lost at sea, floating around in the waves, with no destination and no goal except surviving. Then you came along, and gave me solace. You were my salvation. You and your endearingly stupid jokes and your wild yet grounded behaviour. You're my anchor, Nikolai." 

      He laughed, but not in the mean way. In the happy way. 

      "I would pay you back with a monologue of my own," he said. "but all I can think of right now is how perfect you are, and how much I want to kiss you."

      Your smile widened, if that were even possible. You met him midway, lips connecting almost desperately. The only coherent thought running through your brain was 'Nikolai, Nikolai, Nikolai.'

      Nikolai.

· · ─── ·𖥸· ─── · ·

"That one looks like a dragon," you said, pointing out a lumpy cloud in the sky.

      Nikolai tilted his head to the left. It was rather cute - he looked like a puppy, trying to figure out what its owner was saying. His right eyebrow curved in an upward arch (you still had no idea how he managed to raise a single eyebrow at a time), and he pouted slightly. Adorable.

      "I don't see it," he deadpanned.

      You sighed and shook your head, dismissing the cute puppy ideology. "Nevermind," you huffed. As hard as you tried to pretend you were upset with him, a smile teased at the corners of your mouth, anyway.

      "I'm sorry, darling, but I really don't!" he exclaimed, flopping back into the picnic blanket you two had laid out. Really, it wasn't even a picnic blanket. It was just a blanket. The two of you hadn't had time to find a proper one before embarking on your impromptu picnic. Nikolai, ever the improviser, had then brandished a quilt from Saints knew where. You suspected it came from Vasily's room, because who else would be pompous enough to own a red velvet blanket the size of China?

      You dramatically exhaled again. "I already said nevermind. Not all of us can be blessed with a creative vision such as mine, after all."

      Nikolai laughed. And Saints, the sound was downright melodic. You didn't even want to begin thinking about all the things you'd do to hear it one more time.

      A comfortable silence settled between the two of you. Eventually, he began stroking your palm with his callouses fingers. You bit back a smile, and linked your pinkies together. A gathering of clouds mostly covered the sun - enough to allow only a bit of warm, gold light to seep out. You wondered briefly how Nikolai looked right now, basking underneath the faint sunshine. 

      The answer came to you easily, even without looking at him: fucking beautiful. 

      However, you wouldn't give him the satisfaction of staring at him. The last time he had caught you gaping at him like a lovesick fool, he had teased you endlessly. It was ridiculous. It wasn't as if he didn't stare at you. No, actually. He stared at you all the time. In fact, he was doing it right now.

      You bit back a grin when you felt his eyes on you. But before you could tease him for it, he got up suddenly, offering you a hand.

      "Come on," he urged. "Follow me."

      "Where to?" you questioned curiously.

      He smirked. Tugged on your hand. Winked. "You'll see." 

      "Right, that's not cryptic at all," you muttered. 

      Eventually, after a minute or so of walking (and plenty of you trying to weasel more information out of him) the two of you had seemed to reach your destination. A huge tree hung above you, offering its shade. You plopped down, but Nikolai remained standing.

      Strangely, he was looking rather nervous. Repeatedly tugging at the collar of his beige button-up shirt, and kicking at the grass. 

      "Y/n, darling, don't just sit there, you're making me nervous," he whined. 

      You giggled, but stood up anyway. "I could say the same about you. What's on your mind, dear?"

      He took a deep breath, and looked you dead in the eyes. "I love you, Y/n. I love you, and I'm in love with you. I always have, and always have been. It's just- you're wonderful. And intelligent. And charming. And I am so, so glad you are my partner - in the romantic sense, and the platonic sense. If I'm being honest, I'm quite sure I'd be tearing at the seams without you to sew me back together every time I do something particularly foolish. 

      And I hope you'll always be there to ground me. Because I will always be there for you. Th-there's no other way to say this, my darling, but I'd quite like to spend the rest of my life with you, so..."

      He brandished a dark blue box from his back pocket (this probably wasn't the time, but you had to mention that you could never fit something that large in your pocket. Why did men's clothing always have bigger pockets?) and got down on one knee. 

      "Will you do me the honour of marrying me, Y/n?" he finished.

      Holy fuck. Holy mother of Saints. Holy everything. Was this real? Saints. This really was real, wasn't it? Nikolai Lantsov was proposing to you.

      A sob escaped from your throat, and you nodded frantically, not wanting him to think you were upset. "Yes," you said. "Saints, Nikolai, yes."

      He smiled. You knew that he smiled a lot, but this smile was different. Usually, he just grinned or smirked in a devilish way - this was more of a beam. He looked so genuinely happy (genuinely happy, because of you!) that it made your heart soar, and you were pretty sure you fell in love with him all over again for the second time. You'd never get tired of it, though. Not when it came to Nikolai (Nikolai, your husband-to-be!). Never when it came to Nikolai.

      You soon found yourself enveloped in a hug. He spun you around, both of you laughing (and crying). When he set you down, you could have sworn you saw his eyes welling up.

      "Now, my love, those better be happy tears," he tutted.

      "Of course they're happy tears, you stupid puppy dog!" you sniffed. "I love you."

      He beamed into your hair. "I love you, too, Y/n."

      What a feeling it was to be in love with Nikolai Lantsov, and to know that he was in love with you, too.

[atlas-of-a-human-soul]

Draw your swords, pt. 10

Summary: Haunted by her own mind, Y/N isn’t sure what to do with the information she uncovered. On the other hand, the Darkling felt a growing distance between them, allowing himself to admit something he never thought he’d say.

Warnings: angst, swearing, fluff, sexual innuendos 

Part one // Part two // Part three // Part four // Part five // Part six // Part seven // Part eight // Part nine   

=================================

A long time ago lived a young boy with the power of saints. He held the darkness at the tip of his fingers, capable of forcing the day into an eternal night. Back then, he made all the wrong choices for all the right reasons. To protect the ones he loves, he allowed the shadows to consume him. Cursed with immortality, he walked the earth ever since. Forever alone, hurt and betrayed, the Darkling's heart no longer beat as it turned to stone. No longer did he suffer, no longer did he feel pain or anything at all.

Until now.

There was no escape from emotions when he looked at her. Even in the darkness, she had the ability to set his world on fire.

A single badly made decision in a moment where everything feels more important than love can make your entire life feel like a failure. He would never make the same mistake again. 

This lifetime he gives to her – wholeheartedly.

When they stopped for the night, he had felt uneasy as Y/N conversed freely with everyone but him. It seemed like she’s on edge and not knowing why gnawed at him. Once night came and they settled in their tent, the Darkling couldn’t contain himself.

"I sense some...hostility."

Scoffing, she rolled her eyes, "Oh, how observant of you."

"What happened?” He asked, “Did someone at the Palace do something to you? Was it Genya?"

"And what if she did?” Tilting her head ever so slightly, she neared him. “What would you do?"

Without thinking, he answered, "I'd protect you."

Inhaling sharply, she raised an eyebrow. "And what if it was you?"

Pausing, his eyebrows furrowed as he unclenched his jaw. "Is it me?"

"If it was you who upset me, would that bother you?" Y/N pushed further, genuinely wondering if he cares for her as much as she thinks. After all, who’d believe the Darkling has a heart? She was still trying to convince herself it’s real when he kisses her temple when he thinks she’s fast asleep.

"Immensely."

With her hands on her hips, she narrowed her eyes at him. "So, how would you protect me from yourself?"

Letting out a heavy sigh, Aleksander ran his hand through his hair. "I'd let you decide."

Closing her eyes in frustration, her lower lip curled inwards as her front teeth sunk into the flesh. A part of her wanted to ask him about being the creator of the fold, but it was an advantage that would be unwise to let go of. 

"Why are you being so agreeable? Is it because I spread my legs for you now?"

"I've never known you to be so crude." The muscles in his jaw tighten as he squints at her and it’s taking everything in her not to smile because she absolutely loved when he’d look at her like that. It felt more natural than the soft, wistful looks he’d send her way.

"And I never realized you could be so easily tamed”, she remarks, her voice louder than before.

Chuckling in disbelief, the Darkling shrugs off his kefta without breaking eye contact. "You believe that you've tamed me?"

Pinching the bridge of her nose, she shut her eyes. Her face is flushed, her head spinning and she has nothing concrete to tell him. She can’t make sense of anything anymore, the image of him in her head changing with every passing minute.

"I don't know what to believe anymore."

In two strides, Aleksander found himself before her. Cupping her cheeks, he tilts her head up to face him and when she opens her eyes, she’s lost in the universe that’s captured in his eyes. She loved the night sky littered with stars, but she never truly knew what it means to stargaze until she met him.

“I’ve discovered I love you.”

Raising her eyebrows, her jaw slacked. “When have you discovered that?” Her voice is high, tone defensive, but his smile grows because it wouldn’t be her if she didn’t fight him even when he’s trying to admit to something he long forgot exists.

“When all my decisions started to revolve around keeping you safe.”

Shaking, her eyes widened. “That’s impossible! You hate me!”

Placing a hand over her mouth, he used his other to press his index finger to his lips. “Shh”, he chuckles, “You’ll wake the others.”

Rolling her eyes, she licked his hand.

“Really? I’ve touched you in a way that made you scream long into the night”, he deadpans, “Your tongue can’t possibly disgust me.” Smirking, he leans in, “On the contrary.”

Slapping his hand away, she turned away from him. Grabbing her head, she sat down with her thoughts running so fast, too fast for her to pick one out to decide what she thinks, feels, wants.

Wrapping his arms around her, he pulled her back flush against his chest. “I know you hate me now, but I’m a patient man. I won’t give up on you.”

He held her for a while, too long for either of them to realize the night had slowly trickled away from them and given way to dawn. Their journey wasn’t quite as long anymore. Soon enough, they’ll be at the fold and Y/N didn’t know what to do.

Should she tell him? Ask him for an explanation?

Would he kill her even if he said he loves her?

She still felt his kisses as he laid her down beside him. For the first time since they made love, they didn’t initiate any physical intimacy. Instead, they simply stared at one another.

She’s not for feeble minded people, there’s no doubt about it in his mind and if anything, Aleksander was more determined to love her because of it. She tested him in every way possible and while she was incredibly frustrating to argue with, Aleksander refused to give up on her. She’s difficult to understand to ordinary minds, but he isn’t ordinary.

His love will conquer in the end, he truly believed that. He could have continued on like nothing changed between them, but he could not be silent any longer. After all the time he’s spent in vein, all the years he wasted and lives he’s lived, Aleksander never found someone who gave him a reason to believe. Not until he met Y/N.

While she remained silent, stunned by his admission, he spoke of the day he first met Ivan and Fedyor. He spoke of their adventures, of their silly mistakes and she found herself smiling at first. Soon, she was laughing with him, and though she had no courage to admit it yet, she fell asleep thinking about him. Their knees were touching and her heart was racing, but the world never felt so right as it did when she was next to him.

Once on the road, she took the reins once again.

Kirigan ignored the whispers about her riding his horse, choosing to glare them into silence. No one dared to speak of it after.

Stopping a few miles short of their destination, Y/N drew a shuddered breath. The sight is hauntingly beautiful, a nightmare come alive. Swallowing thickly, a faint line formed between her eyebrows as they furrowed.

How could Aleksander be the Black Heretic? How is it possible for him to live so long?

“I’m here”, he whispers in her ear.

Goosebumps rise across the back of her neck as his warm breath dances across her skin. And there he is again, with her when she’s looking for solitude, offering his hand to hold and shoulder to lean on even when she least expects it. The worst thing is that she’s actually becoming dependent on his help and that scares her most of all, because what is she supposed to do when he decides he never did love her and all of it was simply an obsession fueled by her rejection. 

She’s still a novelty to him, that will wear off eventually.

“I’m not afraid”, she remarks, “I’m-“, she pauses in an attempt to find a better word, “Admiring it.”

“Admiring”, he repeats in surprise. “Most people find it absolutely terrifying.” 

She wondered if it frightened him. What would happen if he went in?

Turning her head to the side, she caught a glimpse of his parted lips. She felt ashamed how it caused her heartbeat to quicken, how it ached for a taste.

“I’m not most people”, she reminded him. And he knew that well. The Darkling would never fall for an ordinary woman.

“What I want to know is what went through his mind”, she grips the reigns tighter.

“Of the black heretic?”

Feeling his hands tighten around her waist, she nods. “I wish I knew what led to the creation of the fold. Why did he do it?”

“Maybe he just couldn’t help himself”, Aleksander’s voice is strained, “Maybe he’s just pure evil.”

Leaning the back of her head on his shoulder, she looked up at him. She longed for him, for an earnest conversation with their souls laid bare, but would she live long if she unveiled what her mind’s been tormented by?

“I don’t believe that”, she says softly.

Their eyes meet in an instant, the closeness forcing them both to hold their breath and look at each other silently. Looking at her, he touched her cheek gently with the back of his hand.

“Why give him the benefit of doubt?”

Aleksander’s free hand gently moves along her arm, finding its rightful place at the side of her neck, touching her skin so tenderly she felt blissful and it reminded her of that night where he unraveled her, made her scream in pleasure she never found before.

There was no denying it, Y/N had a weakness for his hand on her neck and his words in her heart, neither of which she had any willpower to refuse, especially not when she couldn’t breathe when he looked at her with such longing, shameful lust and indisputable passion and understanding.

It took everything in her to find the strength to speak again without her voice cracking under the pressure of her own emotions. 

“Because darkness doesn’t equate evil, just as light doesn’t equate good.”

Without a warning, he kissed her fiercely, violently, leaving her raw. She didn’t move away, she didn’t make a sound. All she did was close her eyes and part her lips and in that fraction of a second, she allowed herself to get lost in the beauty of a lover’s touch for when his lips claimed hers, nothing mattered anymore.  

When he broke away, she was breathless and undeniably his.

“What was that for?” She raised an eyebrow, a shadow of a smile forming on her bruised lips.

She shuddered, her teeth sinking into her bottom lip ruthlessly as Aleksander’s breath caressed her skin. It felt so right, too right to resist his advances. She lived for those long nights in their bed, those thick with lust and romance and naked kisses.

Aleksander shrugs, “I wanted to.”

Lips parted, she didn’t know what to do with that. He told her he loves her, that he’d wait for her to love him back and most women would fall at his feet. Something inside her refused to do so. To admit her feelings out loud would be the end of her. 

If she allows herself to love him fully, how could she possibly be the cause of his downfall? 

What would be left of her if she took his love and used it against him in the most cruel way possible?

She’s losing who she is around him, but it hurt so much more to reject his love. Hating him, pretending her heart isn’t a feeble muscle where he resides is exhausting.

Truth is, he doesn't make her feel safe or comfortable as she once believed a man should. He makes her feel like she's teetering at the edge of a cliff and she's getting addicted to that feeling. She’s getting addicted to him – his scent, his touch, his handsome smile and devilish smirk and most of all to the way his darkness drives away her demons.

Love has to come at once, with thunder and lightning like a hurricane that wreaks havoc on your life, to shake you up and break the heart like leaves off trees, to drag it into the abyss - abyss he created. 

She used to fear the dark, but now she found herself running into it.

In that moment, she smiled. 

Perhaps the darkness is not so bad if he’ll be there, holding her hand.

=============================

A/N - So, I literally wrote this in about two hours and I’m about to pass out. I wanna thank you for Eid Mubarak responses and especially for the feedback, I was just reading through them and they made my day so much better. I’m seeing some interesting theories too, some paragraphs you loved or just thoughts about the characters and IT GIVES ME LIFE. I’m so, so grateful for it all.

Tags: @bruxa0007 @rangotangomango @kaitlyn2907 @thestoryofmylife9 @shelivesindaydreamswme @hxrgreeves @safetyhtom @kaqua @savannah-elliott @all-art-is-quite-useless  @azure23x @girlmadeofavocados @ashdab2611 @acciorudolphx @ladyblablabla @wckedheart @xceafh @sanna2020 @tarkanelima-blog @takethee @mellifluous-cosmos @marvel-ousnesss @tea-effect @starlightofsolaria @p3nny4urth0ught5 @blackbirddaredevil23 @sarcastic-and-cool @slytherinsbiggestproblem @within-thehollowcrown @notthatchhavi @musicconversedance @freakytillthemoon  @lgkoval @honeyofthegods @queenmalhinewahine @misselsbells06  @whatthefluffrichard @aami98 @britriestbr @itsfangirlmendes @padme-parker @readingsssssssss @runawayolives @thehighladyofasgard @emlynblack @keithseabrook27 @dailydoseofchoices @deceivedeer @olympiacosplay @pansysgirlfriend @extrakyloren  @daybleedsintonightfa11 @thoughts-and-funnies @weirdowithnobeardo @folkloresworld @remugoodgirl​ 

PART 11

[justanothersyscourse]

I have a couple things to say about this post that I hope you'll consider and take away into future conversations.

First, I sort of like the idea, so let's get that out of the way. It's cute, fun, a way to break the ice. No complaints. I might have even considered a proper response, but... I feel as though you've gone about this in the wrong way...?

Your post feels like it's pretending that everyone just needs to be more open and willing to listen, but at several points throughout, you directly imply that anti endos, specifically, are the problem, and in doing so, defeat the purpose of the exercise. You'll get no responses from anti endos with the wording you've chosen, because it shows that you don't fully grasp the intricacies of what's being argued. It also comes off as... "More mature than you," in tone.

This part, in particular, irked me.

As if anti endos just don't know any better. It's got a... White knight, saviour feeling behind it. As if you can show us the light and magically fix the problems between the communities with friendship and kindness.

Unfortunately, I don't think you understand the actual problems that anti endos have, because at no point do you acknowledge the flaws within the pro/endo community.

Now, let me preface this with the fact that I absolutely acknowledge that there are systems who just flat out say endogenics don't exist and won't hear any words to the contrary. Those aren't the ones I'm talking about. Those tend to be young systems that are only just starting to dip their toes into syscourse (and if you know who I am and what my other blog, sysmedsaresexist, is, you can trust me-- I scour the internet on the daily specifically looking for those conversations).

I'm curious if you've ever actually had a conversation with an anti endo about WHY they're upset?

Because I'm about to lay out my problems, and I genuinely hope you'll hear me out and read until the end-- especially since one of the major problems we have is the unwillingness to listen to what DID/OSDD systems are trying to say.

So, let's start.

Like most pro/endo posts, there's no acknowledgment of the differences between systems. Instead, you've gone the route of, "we're all plural!" and therefore, we all have something in common (ignoring the fact that most DID/OSDD systems don't want to be called plural or included under the umbrella).

But most don't have anything in common, and the vast majority of DID/OSDD systems have a lot of trouble relating to endogenic experiences. This isn't a result of just not listening to each other, or fear of the unknown. It's actually a result of very real physical differences in brain structure.

DID/OSDD is a trauma based disorder. It stems from "injuries" to the brain during childhood. It's these structures and differences that allow for DID/OSDD systems to form alters and have high dissociative barriers. These injuries affect every aspect of our lives--from how we process, retain, and retrieve memories, information, and emotions, to how we perceive and react to the world around us and new experiences.

Someone without these injuries isn't going to understand the problems I have, so putting us all on the same playing field is already... Not great. We're not the same and it's ignoring the additional difficulties I would have.

This also means it's not just a matter of disordered vs nondisordered. Endogenic systems can't have DID/OSDD with this new development (and it is included in the DSM 5-TR now). Endogenic systems that experience later trauma and become disordered don't suddenly have DID/OSDD. They would have PTSD, which has different treatment methods from CPTSD (associated with DDs), and therefore most endogenic systems wouldn't even benefit from DID/OSDD recovery-focused spaces.

More importantly, endogenic spaces are more likely to be harmful to us and our recovery.

This, I think, leads into the next point. Most anti endos are upset with the amount of misinformation within the endo community about our disorder. There's a distinct feeling of being spoken over and ignored when we try to discuss these things, and even your post gives off that impression when you imply that we're the reason there's a disconnect between the communities, and not frustration with the lack of proper, correct information or acknowledgment about our experiences.

Our alters have a physical cause-- this couldn't be more different from spiritual expression or the perception and concept of the self.

Which leads into what we're "afraid" of-- which is young, vulnerable DID/OSDD systems misattributing their symptoms to something metaphysical or spiritual and prolonging getting help.

MOSTLY because of the misinformation about what it means to be disordered and have DID/OSDD. I'm going to try to be super quick with this point, I go into a lot more depth in other posts.

The DSM explains that not all disorders indicate a need for treatment and that "disorder" is not synonymous with dysfunction, but the endo community very much acts as if they are, placing a huge emphasis on how dysfunctional you need to be in order to be disordered. However, the truth of the matter is, that the DSM itself says you don't need to be dysfunctional in certain disorders.

The dysfunction criteria was added to pretty much every disorder as a "generic placeholder" and is circular and redundant, meaning "only a disorder should be diagnosed as a disorder". If you read beyond the criteria for DID, under functional consequences, it states that dysfunction in DID can range from non-existent to severe. This allows for people to maintain their diagnosis despite treatment (an example of this would be... If you go on meds for depression, you're not suddenly no longer clinically depressed, you're just managing symptoms).

In other words, you don't fluctuate in and out of disorderedness based on functionality. You're always disordered, but levels of dysfunction fluctuate.

I think it's a misunderstanding that we're showing "hatred", when the vast majority of us are showing frustration and anger. To have what we're saying twisted and downplayed to simple "hatred" is a huge disservice to our community and truly paints us in a negative light, despite having valid criticisms and issues with the comparison.

You ask what endos have done to us and why we think they're bad, but you don't acknowledge any of the behaviour that is harmful to us, or that confuses young systems trying to figure out what they're experiencing.

Did you know there was an actual plan by endogenic systems to make carrds and threads to silence anti endos and that would pointedly and purposefully avoid mentioning the DSM or DID/OSDD to new systems?

That is what we're up against.

Threads like this, that paint us as the issue and endos as peace keepers extending the olive branch, only add to the growing, mounting problems we have, and push us further away.

And yet, according to endos, we're always the problem.

EDIT: and omg, this idea that we're "suffering"-- give it a rest, endos. The only ones keeping #miserablyDID alive are endos who won't listen.

WHOO BOY ok

first off, merry christmas to everyone! christmas is technically over for us but we'll wish merriness anyway :)

if you celebrate anything else such as hanukkah, eid, yule, kwanzaa, etc then enjoy your festivities!

if you don't celebrate the festive season at all then that's okay too! we hope you simply had wonderful days this month and continue to have even better days in the coming year :) <3

ok, onto the post itself. very nervous to make this as it's a personal ramble about the topic of plurality and of our view on it which could unfortunately stir up syscourse; it feels right to make this post during the festive season though, a time where people become more connected to eachother. we aim to do that w all fellow folk in the plural community who decide to read this post and at the very least take our words into consideration; this post intends to gather plural folk of all kinds to essentially meet face to face and breaking the ice that keeps standing between so many of us all. if you do decide to read it, hi and thank you! <3

(psst, consider reblogging and resharing this to let more people read this! /nf)

CW: DISCUSSION OF FAKECLAIMING , POTENTIAL SYSCOURSE FUEL

we'll start this off with an introduction to ourselves.

hello! we're the winter lodge system (any/all prns) and we recognise ourselves to be a mixed origin system! :] unfortunately, in the plural community this means systems like us along w many other origin ones are recognised as 'fakers' by singlets and fellow systems alike. all because we don't fit in with community standards. we know fully well we are plural no matter our origins, we KNOW we experience plurality in our everyday lives and i want to discuss my thoughts and confusion on this whole shebang as civilly as possible. we encourage all those who comment/reblog to uphold civility and politeness aswell - no nastiness here please! this'll hopefully be a genuine safe space in the plural community for EVERYBODY that interacts.

we don't get why many people in the plural community are so keen to show hatred against fellow plurals all because of them not having formed from trauma. hell, we've questioned this since we first discovered we were plural at all nearly 2 years ago now but for many months we held these questions in due to fear of being harassed or seen as horrible. for over a year, we always wondered things like "what makes endos 'bad' exactly?" but just stuck to the community status quo. i HATE how we were kept in the dark about the truth of plurality for so long but now we want to put our knowledge into words.

we believe that plurality is inherently simple in its definition and complex in its existence. the base for plurality is this simple: have your body shared by two or more beings within. everything else is all unique details exclusive to each plural person(s); it's what makes plurality stunning.

what's sad is that others don't see it this way. they view it as an existence where every plural brain is expected to abide by some medical words on a page written by somebody, where "no two systems are the same" but only in the bounds of these decided rules. if your existence goes beyond these rules, you're treated with disrespect and see yourself across so many dnis all because you exist the way you do.

it's too often we come across an account and check for a dni only to find 'dni endos + supporters' and then moving away from that users page, wondering "why do you hate people you've likely never met? what have they done to you?"

in reality, the plural community overall feels too restricting. expectations on existing a certain way surround you wherever you go which is ironic with how genuinely complex plurality is. it's something you CANNOT properly put into a box or two; the existence of being plural is incredibly vast with basically ENDLESS possibilities. no two systems are the same and we mean it, every little detail of your system besides sharing a body with a second being or multiple will be unique to YOU. no other system would be able to achieve exactly what you and your others have. it makes plurality beautiful, honestly.

this whole topic is why we want to use this opportunity, especially during a time of coming together to rejoice with one another. we want to bring the plural community together a bit more and take steps towards breaking down the walls we've built. walls of hatred, fear, uncertainty. walls that make you fear the unknown and be hostile if it comes close. walls that shun curiousity and being open-minded, that shun taking opportunities and even risks, that shun learning and growing as people.

on this post, we ask that if you're plural in ANY way at all, that you make a simple introduction for yourselves and perhaps share the story of what it's like to live with your plurality!

this is designed ideally to break away at anti-endo ideology and finally have those folks properly meet us non-traumagenic and non-disordered systems directly to know the truth about everything there is to know. this is to communicate who we are to eachother and stop huddling in closed off circles of fear online. this is to rebuild a community that is supposed to be welcoming for EVERYONE INVOLVED, not just one type of system.

everyone is encouraged to interact with others who've introduced themselves in the comments and reblogs, to ask and answer both simple and difficult questions, to properly practice civility even if you eventually scroll past not fully understanding how a system can exist as this or that but also with knowing you can respect everyone anyway and won't police others for things they don't have control over. you're welcome here to ask other systems stuff about themselves, answer questions others give you and ESPECIALLY to make new friends and bring things to eye level! help make others realise the truth about what it's like to exist outside the status quo instead of just going off what others say about you considering they likely wouldn't have met you up until now!

i'm both nervous and excited to see if this can bring people together, im entrusting all of you to work together to not only break down walls here but in more corners of the internet with this. to finish off the post, i (the host Scott) have drawn a few of our headmates celebrating christmas :]

[we're introject heavy wahoo ✌️]

OKAY with all that being said and done, you've finished with the ramble! please go on and interact with the post, reblog it and reshare it with as many people as you can! this is a big goal i have and if it gets pulled off, i feel we can all start to make spectacular feats to move forward and evolve. once again, thank you so, so much. we love you all <3 /p

PEACE OUT, GOOD LUCK AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL ♥️

[marauderundercover]

This Side of Normal Ch. 7

AO3

Prev

Marinette Dupain Cheng didn’t have a normal life. On the contrary, some would call her life Miraculous. Well, one would. And she would whack him every time. As much as she loved her brother (in all but blood) Adrien, she couldn’t stand his puns most of the time. After he first lost his arm a year ago at the final battle against Hawkmoth, she let him get away with a lot of puns and awful jokes. Because she blamed herself for his injury. She should’ve been able to fix him. But she wasn’t. She still blamed herself some days, but she no longer laughed at every single one of his puns. He knew she hated them, and it was better for her mental health to let him know how awful they were. She’s stirred from her thoughts by Adrien nudging her, obviously trying to get her attention.

“Where are we going for our spring break trip? You helped Mme. Bustier plan that, right?” Adrien asks. She frowns, not sure what brought that topic up.

“We’re going to spend a week in New York and then a week in London. Why?” She asks, confused at his worried expression.

“Okay well, maybe you should tell Mme. Bustier that. Because she just said that we’re spending two weeks in New Jersey.” Adrien says with a grimace.

“WHAT!?” She yells, jumping out of her seat.

“Marinette! I was trying to go over the details of the trip. I’m very disappointed in you. You know better than to interrupt like that.” Mme. Bustier says, shaking her head with a small frown. Marinette’s face turns red and she drops back into her seat, muttering an apology.

“What do you mean we’re going to New Jersey? What’s even in New Jersey?” She asks Adrien in a hushed whisper, conscious of the glares from Lila at the front of the room but determined to ignore them any way she can.

“Gotham, apparently. And the Wayne family. According to Lila, she can get us in for a tour at Wayne Enterprises and Gotham Academy and every other thing the Waynes do. Because she’s dating Damian Wayne, didn’t you know?” Adrien explains, lip quirking in amusement. Marinette groans, dropping her head onto their table.

“Do you realize now I’m going to have to arrange at least part of that? Or we won’t have anything to do and we’ll be stuck in some random city for two whole weeks.” Marinette says, a headache already forming.

“Or, or, hear me out. You could just let her fail. And the trip will flop and everyone will see that she’s awful.” Adrien says. It was a much different response than what he would’ve had a year ago. But the defeat of Hawkmoth and the revelation that his father was a supervillain was enough to alter Adrien’s world view. He wasn’t hopelessly optimistic anymore. He was more cynical. He was still insanely kind, but he didn’t give out his kindness to people who didn’t deserve it. Like the lying bitch in their class.

“I don’t wanna be stuck in a hotel with her for two weeks.” Marinette points out with a grimace. “Wait a minute, why does Gotham sound familiar?”

“Probably from when you were friends with Alya. Batman and his whole team is from Gotham.” He says, slumping down in his seat so that he can continue to whisper to her.

“Oh goody. Crime capital of the US and Lila decides to lie her way into the city. But it wasn’t enough for just her to be targeted. Oh no, she had to get our entire class involved. Yippee.” Marinette snarks, shoving her face back into her folded arms on the desk. It was too much for this early. Time for a nap.

---

After submitting a five thousand word essay on how beneficial a tour of Wayne Enterprises would be and an additional three thousand word essay to Gotham Academy on the benefits of having an exchange class for a week, Marinette was pleased to say that their trip to Gotham wouldn’t be completely boring.

In fact, it would be similar enough to what Lila had lied that hopefully, she wouldn’t be blamed for messing anything up. Sure, they wouldn’t have personal tours from the Wayne family or an invitation to the Spring Gala that the Waynes were hosting, but at least they’d have something to do in Crime City. Hopefully with the amount of security at both Gotham Academy and WE, they wouldn’t run into too many villains. After three years under Hawkmoth, she never wanted to deal with a villain again. Unless she could punch him or her in the face. Then yeah, she’d happily meet a villain. But seeing as it’s highly frowned upon to piss off a Gotham villain like that, she’d prefer to just not see one at all. Would certainly make things easier.

Marinette huffs, glaring at the mess of clothes falling out of her suitcase. She’d started packing two days ago, and then yesterday discovered that she packed the outfit she wanted to wear on the plane. So then she had to take everything out, but then she couldn’t find the outfit and after throwing everything around she found the outfit. Still in her dresser. And now she had a huge mess falling out of her suitcase and not enough time left to pack neatly. Not if she wanted to get any sleep.

“Hey Adrien, can you give me a hand?” She asks, beginning to fold the mess of clothes back up. He’s silent for a minute, and then she hears a click. She sighs and looks up just in time to catch the arm he threw at her.

“There you go!” He says cheekily, a wide grin on his face as he hangs upside down from her bed. She narrows her eyes.

“You know what I meant, you absolute menace.” She deadpans. He snorts before dropping down, landing gracefully and catching the arm she throws back at him.

“You know you love me, Bug.” He says, helping her fold her clothes.

“Unfortunately.” She says with a dramatic sigh. “You hear from Jay yet this week?”

“Yeah. Told me, and I quote ‘stop annoying Pixie Pop with your lameass jokes kid. I can’t protect you from her fury from across the ocean’.” He says with a laugh.

“At least he knows I’d best you in a fight.” She says with a hum. Adrien sputters, an offended look on his face as he slams her last shirt into her suitcase.

“That is not what that meant!” He argues with a pout.

“Whatever helps you sleep at night, Kitty.” She says, zipping the suitcase shut and trying hard to ignore the bad feeling settling deep into her stomach. Something was going to happen in Gotham, and she wasn’t sure if it would be good or bad.

---

Of course the class would leave them on their first full day in Gotham. It made sense. They’d hated Mari before Hawkmoth’s reveal. And after Hawkmoth’s reveal, they were hesitant around Adrien. Even with the whole ‘my dad cut off my arm’ thing. So honestly, leaving the two of them stranded at the hotel was just par for the course.

“At least we’re together.” Marinette says bitterly, thinking of the fact that the class would be getting to tour Wayne Enterprises. A place that she had worked hard to allow them to tour.

“Come on Mari, look on the bright side.” Adrien says, grabbing her hand and tugging her along.

“What bright side? We were left behind, in Gotham, of all places. What could possibly be good about this situation?” She asks, slightly dragging her feet as he tugged her along behind him.

“Mmmm, the fact that Wayne Enterprises is only a block away.” He says with a grin. She straightens immediately, actually keeping up with his pace now instead of allowing herself to be dragged behind him.

“Why didn’t you lead with that?” She asks, shaking her head in faux disappointment. He shrugs.

“I like a little chaos.” He says. Marinette opens her mouth to snark back at him, but is instead silenced by the building in front of her. Wayne Enterprises was slightly intimidating, but she was still amazed by its design. It was modern and sleek and her hand twitched towards the sketchbook in her purse. She could just imagine skirts with the same sleek shapes and dark colors, suits whose build was used to make the wearer look taller. Just as she’s about to pull out her sketchbook, she sees a familiar head of hair walking into the building. Dark hair with a white streak. But-

“Was that Jason?” She asks, suddenly far more interested in the man who just walked in. Adrien’s gaze snaps to where hers is, frowning at the closed door.

“I don’t know, but let’s go see.” He says, and this time, she’s the one tugging him. Their class completely forgotten. Until they walk through the doors and hear the incessant chatter and noise that comes with being around Lila Rossi. But not enough that is enough to deter the two from their goal. Especially when the man they’d followed turns around, a familiar face set into a scowl.

“Jay!” Marinette calls, waving at him. The man’s scowl instantly drops into a wide smile and he rushes past the class, sweeping the two up into a huge hug.

“Pixie! Kid! What are you two doing here?” He asks, holding them close.

“Jay-Jay, can’t breathe.” Mari says, letting out a puff of air as he sets them down gently.

“Hey Jay!” Adrien says, a wide smile on his face, one of the most sincere smiles Mari had seen in a while. She felt her own face fall into an easy smile. After a year apart, they were together again.

“Uh. Jason? Job, remember?” A voice asks, pulling the three out of their reunion. Jason looks at the man and rolls his eyes.

“Yeah, Dick, thanks. I’d completely forgotten why I came all the way here.” He snarks, no venom in his tone.

“Did you just-” Marinette starts to ask, uncertain if he was calling the man a name or?

“Shit, I forget that even though you speak it just fine, English isn’t your first language. His name is Richard, but ‘Dick’ is a nickname for Richard. It’s what he usually goes by.” Jason explains, snorting at the look on her face. She huffs and rolls her eyes.

“Well excuse me, Mr. To be fair, you calling someone that wouldn’t be out of the question. You have shitty language a lot of the time.” She teases with a smirk.

“That’s it. You’re disowned. I no longer claim you as my little sister.” He says, turning around dramatically and walking away. Marinette’s jaw drops at him. She looks at Adrien who just smirks, and then at Dick who just looks confused with the entire situation.

“What the hell was that? I thought I was the dramatic one.” She pouts.

“Looks like you’ve lost your touch Bug.” Adrien says, crossing his arms. Her eyes narrow.

“Is that a challenge?” She asks. He shrugs.

“Do with it what you will. Just don’t get him in trouble, I think he actually works here.” He says, glancing around the packed lobby. Marinette looks around and sighs. She didn’t want to make a scene with the class, and she definitely didn’t want Jason to get in trouble.

“I’ll get him later.” She mumbles, falling into place on Adrien’s right side naturally. The two walk in sync to the rest of the class, oblivious to the bewildered look given to them by Dick Grayson.

Next

Master list

Tag list (open): @toodaloo-kangaroo @laurcad123 @kittenmywaythrulife @lost-in-the-world-of-maribat

[cassandraclare]

I'm sorry to hear that your hard work was leaked but I was curious about what happened. I hope the person faced consequences because that was a very selfish thing to do leaking your work like that :(

I haven’t taken action against the person who leaked the book. I know who they are, since they uploaded the page I signed for them, and I was able to match that against my records. 

I haven’t refrained from taking action because I feel sympathy for them. I don’t. It’s beyond shitty behavior to receive an early, signed book as a gift, and to then leak the entire book online. It’s a shit thing to do to the authors and an equally shit thing to do to other fans. However, I don’t want to put myself (and Wes) through the exhausting, grim and expensive process of legal repercussions. It doesn’t mean what this person did isn’t horrible, and it doesn’t mean they haven’t cost the entire fandom any chance of there ever being an early contest giveaway like that again. They did. There never will be. There will be no ARCs of Chain of Iron, either, and you can thank them for that, too. 

Part of what makes piracy such an issue for authors goes far beyond the individual assholes who upload and distribute and translate stolen books. It’s that the whole system is set up to make it incredibly difficult for us to do anything about it. Publishers do little to nothing to prevent piracy, and authors shoulder the entire burden of searching out and reporting illegal copies of their books. And even then, we’re dependent on whether or not the reported website feels like complying with copyright laws or not. Twitter is incredibly slow to respond, Tumblr is about fifty-fifty on bothering at all. They’re legally required to take action, but they also know that the effort of doing something about it if they do not falls on exhausted, overburdened artists who often can’t afford to follow up with a lawyer’s letter.

And like, I get being broke and wanting to read books; there were a lot of books I had to pass up reading when I was broke (I will be forever grateful to the library system of New York and Brooklyn, which is how I read books at all from about 2001-2004.) I was broke enough that I slept on a bare mattress because I couldn’t afford sheets, but I’m pretty sure if I broke into Bed, Bath and Beyond and stole a bunch of fitted percale bedding I wouldn’t have encountered much sympathy if I got caught. 

I talked about this on Twitter before, and I’ll say it again here though I know it will make very little difference: pirating books doesn’t just hurt the author of those books. It hurts everyone at the publishing company, where the margin of profit is razor-thin (and yes, publishers should do more to protect themselves against piracy; I agree there); it hurts bookstores, especially indie bookstores (I remember doing an event at a store that told me, sadly, that they were likely going to have to close because people “came into the store, looked at the books, took notes, then went home and pirated them.”) It hurts libraries, who rely on circulation for funding, and the shutting down of libraries hurts people who actually can’t afford books.

Now, I know is no way to talk people out of piracy; the internet has normalized it, and besides, people will generally do the cheaper, easier thing — you can’t talk people into not doing something they want to do by telling them it’s wrong, in my experience. They’ll find ways to justify it, whether it be that they can’t afford the book or it isn’t yet available in their language or that they find the author “problematic” and this is the way they’ve chosen to punish them. 

The reason I put “problematic” in quotes is because yes, of course you can read and enjoy work that has problematic elements. Pretty much everything has some element that’s going to be found problematic by someone — which is exactly why deciding that it’s morally excusable to steal from people you think are creating flawed work is more than problematic. Holding creators accountable for their work means critiquing that work, not stealing it.

I listen to a lot of political podcasts, and some of them review work by extreme right-wing politicians etc. who have written books that the podcasters find morally despicable but wish to, or need to, review and discuss. Since they don’t wish to give money to the authors, they buy second-hand copies or take the book out of the library. They certainly don’t steal, translate and distribute copies of the books because they genuinely do not like them and do not want more people reading them. That’s what it looks like when you have an actual moral problem with a book or author. 

However, running multiple fan accounts for a book series, naming your internet identity after characters from that book series, and talking endlessly about “your favorite parts” and how this is “your favorite book” entirely invalidates any argument that you’re doing this because you think the books are bad, evil, etc. If you claim a book is actively homophobic or racist but are so desperate to read it that you’ll steal it, so excited about it that you’ll share that stolen copy, so obsessed that you’ll illegally translate a whole book and provide that stolen translation to as many people as possible, and so dedicated to the fandom that you’ll name yourself after the characters in the books and write poetry about them, I have to tell you: the last thing that looks like is that you actually find the books problematic, regardless of what you say to the contrary. It looks like you like them but don’t want to pay for them, because in fact, that’s the case. (Either that or it looks like you’re really into racist, homophobic books, and making sure as many people read them as possible, which is your problem.)

One of the issues I have with piracy is that it teaches you to hate creators. You have to hate them, because you’re doing a fucking awful thing to them and you have to justify it. This results in lying about creators — about their process, their translations, their research — as if somehow, even if they were bad researchers, that would justify widespread theft. (It doesn’t.) Those who steal books wind up in a headspace where they are obsessed with the content of the books, and entirely unwilling to accept the reality that those books were created by a real person that they’re really harming. It encourages the mentality that I didn’t create Jem or Magnus or Will or Cordelia: they came from some kind of sparkly outerspace planet and I was just lucky enough to get to write down their adventures. It invalidates the hard work creators put into what they create, and in fact, erases their very existence. The internet attitude toward creators is already incredibly toxic (especially if they’re women, LGBT+ and/or BIPOC) and the feeling of entitlement to free content, and vicious hatred toward those who aren’t providing it (even though a lot of creators, me included, provide a great deal of free content) contributes to that. Genuinely, if you’re stealing someone’s work, the least you could do is not also be an asshole about them. (Or pretend you’re Robin Hood. He stole from the rich who had taken property and goods from the poor, and returned that stolen wealth. He didn’t steal from artists and independent bookstores and use that stealing to benefit himself and his friends. The idea is actually kind of funny.) 

 I understand there is a pressure to be up to date on the books that are being released so as to participate in fandom, and I do get that. Unfortunately, piracy has real consequences that stretch beyond just hurting me and Wes. Because LGBT+ books are pirated at such an incredible rate, and we’ve definitely seen that with TEC, I am left wondering if there will ever be an actual Spanish translation of TEC, or whether the publisher will decide not to bother because it’s already been so thoroughly pirated in Spanish. I have to wonder if there will even be a third book of TEC at all, or whether publishers will feel it isn’t worth doing. And I have to wonder why the people who create this situation so often have usernames that include Jem or Magnus or Alec or Cordelia or Julian or Tessa. What an incredible misunderstanding of those characters, to imagine a world in which Will Herondale or Magnus Bane or James Carstairs would approve of stealing books and harming writers. And why name yourself after a character who absolutely couldn’t stand you? I don’t know. I don’t get it, any more than I get hating someone who provided you with something you claim is your favorite book. 

That was a much longer answer than you were probably expecting or hoping for, and I know I’ll get yelled at quite thoroughly for writing it. Writers always do, when we engage with the issue of piracy. I know most of you reading this acquire your books honestly; most of you are not like this at all. But like most things on the internet, a small amount of people really do have the power to make things pretty rotten for everyone else.

[opalesense]

more than friends

kaeya & gn!reader

2k words • ~15 min. read

summary: feeling down in the dumps on a lonely valentine’s day evening, you are met with a pleasant surprise from your close friend, kaeya.

warnings: just pure lovesick fluff!!  shy kaeya my beloved... <3

notes: i defrosted this draft from valentine’s day aahhh hope you like it!! ;^; p.s. shoutout if you can spot his canon voice lines in this hehehe

SITTING WITH MY BACK ON THE FOUNTAIN WALL and watching the rotating blades of the windmills in Mondstadt was not how I expected to spend my evening on Valentine's Day.

   To be honest, Valentine's Day was never that big of a deal to me.  For the past few years, I always considered Valentine's Day to be a day where vendors could get a boost of profit by exploiting the gift-giving aspect of the holiday and selling their wares to cheesy couples who wouldn't know any better.  Why was there a dedicated day to be sweet to your significant other?  Couldn't special gifts be given at any other time of the year?

  Despite my indifference to Valentine's Day, I couldn't help but feel a little lonely this year.  My back purposely faced the couples of Mondstadt who would walk by now and then on their way to their dates and instead I had windmills to accompany me along with a book to pass the time.  I figured my evening stroll outside wouldn't make me feel so disappointed in myself, but I was proven sorely wrong.  I couldn't even look at other people today without feeling sorry for myself.

   "[Y/N]?" a familiar voice drew closer behind me, interrupting my lament and startling me.  "What are you doing here all alone?"

   I turned my head to see my close friend and neighbor Kaeya approaching me, carrying a small leather pack along with his sheathed sword on his waist.  I realized he probably finished his shift at the Knights of Favonius headquarters and was just about to head home.  The sight of him eased some of my worries knowing that despite my usual solitude, at least I would talk to one person today.  "Just reading a book," I held up the cover of my book for him to see.  He gave a small nod to the title as I put it back down into my lap.  "How did you even spot me here?"

   "I can see you from my office," he pointed at a window on the wall of the headquarters, "You chose quite an odd spot for reading, dear friend. You must be uncomfortable on the ground like that.”

   I nervously laughed, not wanting to admit that I sat behind this fountain to avoid looking at how much fun everyone else was having.  My gaze turned to the sky, a vibrant orange that now began fading into a shadow of dark blue sprinkled with stars.  Dusk was approaching. “I suppose it is getting a little late for reading, now that I think about it.  I think I might head home now."

   "Allow me to accompany you on your walk home.  I’m headed that way, after all," he quickly offered as I began to prop myself up to my feet.  He held out his hand to help me on my way up, the sudden physical contact sending a shiver down my spine.  As clearly touch deprived as I was, my hand quickly pulled away once I was standing and dusted off my clothes, which were wrinkled from sitting for so long today.

   "You are too kind, Kaeya," I grinned, earning a grin back from him.  Maybe this is my loneliness speaking for me, but I swear that smile might have made my heart skip a beat.  Although I may have had a crush on Kaeya for the past few months, there was no way I’d ever let those thoughts resurface now.  I've done a good job of repressing the feelings for so long, whether I was around him or not.  At least, I thought I did.

   As we walked, it suddenly dawned on me that the feelings never truly went away.  They were persistent for months, despite being suppressed.  He was my closest friend for quite some time now.  So maybe it was a sign that it was meant to be...

   Chills ran down my spine at this realization.  And once the truth had settled in, the feelings I thought I had managed to stow away suddenly flooded my mind in a storm of emotion.  The more we talked during the walk home, the more eager my heart was to open up and let the thought of him fill the cavernous, lonely void inside.  My eyes nervously turned to our feet, which stepped together in perfect sync.  My attention darted to the hand at his side, which I ached to touch once more.  The more I tried to fight this longing, to forget about it and keep it isolated, the more it fought back in an effort to stay alive.

   "[Y/N]?" his sultry voice snapped me out of my delusion.  Do NOT let your emotions take control of you, I scolded myself.

   "Sorry," I shuffled my feet towards his figure, which had stopped a few meters away.  The world seemed to stop when I was lost in thought, and with each step I took towards him, the world slowly resumed from where I mentally left it.

   "Is something wrong?" he asked, now concerned.  "You know you can talk to me."

   "No, no.  I'm fine," I gripped my book, fighting the urge to break in front of him.  "I'm just a little lost in my thoughts."

   "Well then, what's on your mind?"

   "Kaeya, you won't make fun of me if I’m being honest with you right?" I started to speak without thinking.  No, no, no!  What are you about to say?!

   "What makes you think I would?  C’mon, [Y/N].  We joke around a lot but you know I'm good with secrets."

   What are you doing?!  Don’t fall under pressure like this!

   "Well...  I’ve felt quite lonely today.  A little part in me hurts to see so many people enjoying Valentine's Day, knowing fully well that I live alone and spend most of my days alone...   I guess what I’m trying to say is that it was very kind of you to go out of your way to talk to me today, Kaeya.  It means a lot more to me than you know."

   The silence that followed that regurgitation of thoughts was lethal.  Kaeya didn't even stop.  We just kept walking.  I ignored the instant regret that pounded the walls in my head.

   "So you didn't have any plans today?" he asked, as if he had just ignored everything I told him.

   "Not at all.  I was taking a stroll to find a good reading spot for today but seeing so many couples together...  I guess it was like pouring salt into the wound.  That's why I was sitting turned away from everything, if that answers your question from earlier."

   Now you've just told him too much.  If he didn't already think you were sad and lonely before, he definitely thinks so now.

   "You shouldn't isolate yourself like that, [Y/N].  We could've– forget it, actually," he chuckled and rested his hand on the back of his neck as we finally approached our residential complex.

   "Hey, spit it out!" I nudged him with my elbow, "I poured out my thoughts for you, don't get all shy now.  It's your turn."

   We stopped at my front door, exchanging small chuckles.  The space between us was killing me. If only I could get enveloped by his warm embrace now... No!

   "How about I tell you later?  Meet me here in around ten minutes."

   "What?!" I scoffed, "Now you’re just toying with me."

   "Ten minutes," he gave me one last grin and a short wave before jogging away towards his own house.  I shook my head as I turned the key to my door, feeling the slamming of my heart against my ribs and the sloppy mix of awe, nervousness, and regret boiling in my stomach.  His smile was frozen inside my mind like a photograph capturing a memory. It hurt to like him this much.

   A knock on my door ten minutes later pulled me away from tending to my plants on my balcony.  I set the watering can down and rushed to the door, straightening out my clothes once more before opening it.  Contrary to my expectations, Kaeya stood in the doorway with a shy grin, his hands obviously hiding something behind his back.

   "I thought you were joking when you said ten minutes," I scoffed and crossed my arms, looking up at him to meet a pair of soft eyes.

   "Still don't have plans for tonight?" his eyebrows raised with the question.

   "No.  What, are you about to take me out on a date or something?" I said in jest.  He chuckled and uncrossed his arms behind his back with slight hesitation before revealing a dainty bouquet of calla lilies tied with a silver ribbon.  My jaw dropped slightly in shock with the sight of the charming white petals.

   "I am, actually," his voice was gentler and sweeter than usual.  "These are for you."

   He motioned for me to take the bouquet, which I gladly accepted.  The subtle fragrance reminded me of his own scent, which made me smile.  I secretly wished my entire house would smell like this unforgettable aroma – this unforgettable man.

   "[Y/N]," his words were laced with hesitation, "I have been waiting weeks to tell you this but...  you are constantly on my mind.  Whenever I see you my heart jumps and..."

   He chuckled with nervousness.  That grin never fails to make my chest light up.

   "...and I know you're not going to believe me because you say I smooth talk everyone, but I promise you, [Y/N].  I know you see that I’m nervous right now – that doesn't happen to me with anyone else.  This feeling hasn't gone away for months.”  Instant regret suddenly painted his face, which I quickly took notice of.  I stepped closer to him and lifted my hand to gently cup his warm, blushing cheek.  It was my way of telling him to keep talking without interrupting him.

   "[Y/N]..." he blushed more at the touch and sighed, "you are so special to me and... I’ll get straight to the point. I want to be more than friends. I really mean it.”

   He stuffed his hands in his pockets and waited eagerly for my response.  I was no longer thinking properly.  My heart had taken over my mind, and for once, it was for my benefit.

   "Kaeya," my voice cracked with a million emotions at once, "you have no clue how long I’ve wanted to hear you say that.  I am so in love with you it makes me sick," I admitted lightheartedly.

   He laughed with relief, taking another step closer to me and shrinking the space between us.  He lifted his hand to grab mine and intertwined our fingers together.  The mood shifted from nerve wrecking intensity to reassurance and gentleness the instant our palms met.  He caressed my hand with his gloved thumb for reassurance, chasing all my troubles away.  "I promise I will never let you feel alone ever again."

   We stood there staring into each other's eyes for a few moments, exchanging so many mutual emotions in mere seconds.  A blush began to creep up my face as well when he gave my hand a squeeze accompanied with a proud smile.

   "Well, now that we're both blushing messes in love with each other, how about we finally go out tonight?"  Our friendly dynamic finally returned to clear the thickness in the air once he broke the silence.  "I have to admit, I was feeling a little lonely myself and was just going to drink at the tavern with some of the other Knights tonight.”

   "Not anymore, I hope?"

   "Definitely not.  I’d rather spend the evening holding your hand and taking a stroll through the city so everyone knows I’m finally yours."

   This man sure knows how to say the right thing.  I glanced at the bouquet in my arms, partly to hide my reddened face but also to ask, "Could I put these in a vase first?  They're beautiful, by the way. I really love calla lilies.”

   "Oh yes, of course. But they’re not as beautiful as you, cutie," Kaeya said with no reluctance.

 There's the flirty Kaeya that I know.

 I let out a shy laugh as he let go of my hand, the loss of touch making me pout.  As I turned to put the flowers away, he leaned on the doorframe and let out a deep breath.

    "Well, I'll be here.  Don't make me wait too long, now."

[battlinghurricanes]

Yeah! Sorry, I was just being snippy and hyperbolic in the tags so they come across more coarse than I really mean; I'll try to elaborate. I didn't mean that I don't like it when people enjoy Saphira- please do! No skin off my back. I meant when people suggest everyone else should feel the same way. Like in the poll you said you hoped no one would vote for her, and some people in the replies were threating however did. I know it's just exaggerating crudely for humor the same way I did in the tags, so I really don't take it seriously, it's no crime. It just implies something I notice often, which is that people act shocked or outraged at the idea of someone not adoring Saphira. Which can be tiring to me sometimes because I find her particularly uninteresting as a character.

I do actually like Saphira; I don't hate her, but I don't love her either. And it's because she doesn't have a character arc. You yourself bring up that she "never did something really wrong," and I completely agree. Which isn't to say you shouldn't like that aspect, you totally can, I just think it plays a big role in her underdevelopment. Which is a shame because the premise of her character is so strong, the potential for a character arc is overflowing!

Like if her vanity was challenged and she makes mistakes that prove she's not perfect, forcing her to face uncertainty and determine a way to make sure she's making the right choices beyond just instinct. If she realized she's not actually immune to the trauma of violence and struggles with the war as it esccalates. If she had difficulty fighting with Thorn because of empathy and her hope for the future of dragons, either holding back or lashing out against him as her emotions get the better of him. If her young age had more bearing, giving her difficulties with training and teaching her the benefit of relying on and learning from the strengths of others. If she was more effected by only growing up with humans and not dragons, feeling insecure in her own identity and striving to discover her confidence. If she resented how so many people consider her life only for it's usefulness in their war, wanting more for herself than that.

But none of that is included. She doesn't make mistakes, isn't challenged, and doesn't change in any meaningful ways throughout the books. The closest we get is when she pursues Glaedr to the point they fight, but we don't actually see her apology and it's never even mentioned. Saphira's only flaw that's really acknowledged, vanity, has basically no consequence in her story. That wasted potential is such a mark against the quality of writing in the series that it unfortunately sours my personal opinion of her character.

And I say none of that to try to convince anyone to not love Saphira! It's just to explain how I feel about her, like you asked for. When people enjoy loving any character, I'm glad for it! I'm not condemning that- belive me, I don't mind that she has fans. I noticed someone else's tags about this and I want to add that I don't feel like my opinion is "superior", because character arcs (or lack thereof) don't have to be a deciding factor in someone's opinion of a character. It is for me personally, but that's just down to preference and I respect that. You said there are valid reasons to love her and that's absolutely true, I'm not stepping on that. But there are just as valid reasons for me to find fault with her. (When I mentioned I wanted to be contrary, I was refering to solely the poll, and the implication that picking Saphira was somehow less acceptable than anyone else.)

I admit my tags weren't phrased super tactfully lol, but it was just expressing my annoyance with frequent jokes in the vein of "If you don't like Saphira, you're wrong." Because I find the insistance that everyone ought to adore her and threatening anyone who might disagree with that tiring and kinda silly.

Hopefully that clarifies what I was getting at! And I hope there's no hard feelings, I'm just used to being overdramatic in the tags and I didn't mean it to be taken too seriously.

[hyenahunt]

Solid: Dark Clouds on the Horizon - 2

Writer: Nishioka Maiko

Season: Autumn

Characters: Jun, Ibara

Proofreading: royalquintet (JP) & Skyress + hyenahunt (ENG)

Translation: hyenahunt & Mirei

Jun: Dude, quit talking like you’re my mom… I’m getting goosebumps…

Location: Inside Company Car

Jun: Hm? Wow, we're already almost there.

It's a real breeze getting around in a car, huh. In fact, it feels like such a luxury that it kinda makes me nervous.

Ahh, you too, huh, Anzu-san? Way too classy, right~?

Ibara: Ah-ha-ha. Surely you jest. This is one of the most common ways for us idols to travel around, is it not?

Jun: You could say that, I guess...? But ES is in such a crazy convenient location for us that it's actually rare to see someone using a company car.

Ibara: Well then, how do you usually travel around?

Jun: Huh? Uhhh... Ohii-san uses a car, so whenever I'm working with him, I hitch a ride in it, but...

Usually I either walk or take public transport, really.

Oh, it's the same for you, Anzu-san? That's what I figured~ Most folks take the bus or train, after all.

Ibara: (Sighs)... The way I see it, everyone in ES lacks any sense of danger.

Nevermind Anzu-san, who works behind the scenes...

But Jun, your face is recognisable in public. You ought to have some awareness of the risks out there, or you may run into trouble.

Jun: Even then, though... I mean, unlike Ohii-san or Nagi-senpai, I'm not nearly important enough to be escorted everywhere.

There's all sorts of ways to get around, so I'd feel way bad asking staff to go through all that trouble for me.

Ibara: On the contrary; that would in fact be an affront to them. It's literally their job. You should never encroach on another's responsibility nor take away their work.

There is no greater offense in the business world. You may just end up getting stabbed one day, you know?

Jun: Ibara... Y'know, the way you word things is kinda unnerving.

And on that note, I feel like if either of us was gonna get stabbed, it'd be you, actually~?

Ibara: Ah-ha-ha ☆ I would never commit such a blunder! Why, when I take things away from others, I stay so meticulous in my methods that such a violent retribution would never even occur to them!

Jun: Eurgh...

Mmm, well... If you're gonna put it like that then maybe I'll get a driver’s license sometime. That way, I can drive myself around.

Ibara: Hm. A driver’s license, you say... It may not be apparent, but what seems like a great benefit is in fact a great risk.

Especially when it comes to our industry, you see.

Hm? You wonder why I think so?

What a silly question to ask, Anzu-san! No matter how carefully one may drive, it is simply human nature to be careless at times.

You may even wind up in an accident, and the consequences then would be dire and irreversible.

And even without any accidents, you may still be judged as being a reckless driver and receive intense backlash for it. This has been increasingly common, lately.

Jun: I wouldn't do something like that, though~? You've got zero faith in me, huh.

Ibara: I'm not talking specifically about you, Jun. I am simply explaining the risks as management would see them.

After all, what we as management strive for is a most upright and spotless image.

That being said, learning to drive a car may actually result in more job offers, though. If you want to get a driving license, I personally would not try to dissuade you.

Passing the test isn't all that difficult, either, so why not simply try it out and get one?

Jun: Hmm...? Ibara, you're talking like you've already got a license. Did you actually have one? I forgot.

Ibara: Of course not. I'm not yet of age to obtain one yet.

It's just that in the past, I was once taught some driving skills on a private road. So if it comes down to it, I could likely manage.

Jun: Huh, that so? If you can do it then I'm sure I can, too.

Ibara: Yes, yes. Forget the practical test, I'll have a good laugh once you fail the theory. Ah-ha-ha! ☆

Jun: Goddamn! You're already laughing at me, anyway! I bet even I could get a license right away.

Well, speaking of licenses... Cars are nice and all, but motorbikes are wicked cool. Getting a license to ride a huge two-wheeler 'round doesn't sound half bad, either.

Ibara: Ah, now that would be out of the question. Compared to a car, motorbike accidents have a significantly higher chance of serious injury. It is simply too dangerous.

Jun: Dude, quit talking like you're my mom... I'm getting goosebumps...

Ibara: I’m just simply stating facts— oh. Seems like we've just arrived.

Jun: Oh, you're right. That was fast. Blinked and here we are~

Ibara: Well then, I shall be off to my own destination.

Jun, you know what to do, yes? Be sure to watch your behavior, don't make any careless mistakes, and most of all, avoid causing trouble for anyone there.

Ibara: Anzu-san, please keep an eye on him.

Jun: Knock it off with the mom act already.

Sheesh. I heard ya loud and clear~ I'm not gonna make a mess of things.

Well, Anzu-san, shall we get going?

✦✦✦✦✦

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[robininthelabyrinth]

Spilled Pearls

- Chapter 21 - ao3 -

When he woke, Lan Qiren expected to find everyone talking about what had happened.

He might have even preferred that, despite the cost it would undoubtedly do to his personal reputation; instead, he found that the entire incident had been largely covered up, with even Lan Yueheng uncertain as to what had caused Lan Qiren’s injury other than that it involved some sort of dispute with his brother. That a mangled version of the story had not spread was as sure a sign as anything that He Kexin, whatever her faults or reckless willingness to act on assumptions with little base in reality, had in fact explained what had really happened, and that his brother had decided that he wouldn’t permit her reputation to be tainted by her actions.

Anyone might have expected the honorable Qingheng-jun to have apologized to Lan Qiren at that point for his own reckless assumptions, but his brother had not. On the contrary, he had left orders for Lan Qiren to be punished for breaching the rules of hospitality in striking an honored guest, and for violating several other rules not publicly specified. 

Lan Qiren could imagine which ones his brother had in mind.

“But I didn’t do anything wrong,” Lan Qiren said to his teachers, blankly staring down at the punishment order, written in his brother’s hand. He hadn’t even been given the courtesy of being told about it to his face, as anyone might have expected, nor allowed the opportunity to defend or justify himself; he had been summarily sentenced in a note. “I really didn’t.”

His music teacher and his swordsmanship teacher both looked uncomfortable and awkward, each one clearly aware of the breach of protocol taking place – and, given their position as sect elders and honored teachers, very likely the actual facts of what had occurred. They knew that the only thing he was being punished over was for having the misfortune of being selected as the tool for He Kexin’s scheme, and his brother’s order – vastly excessive for a breach of the sort listed as the reason, given the usual standard of punishments – was due only to his own embarrassment and chagrin, and maybe his jealousy that Lan Qiren had unwillingly gotten even a little of the attention he so greatly desired and could not have. And yet, despite that…

“He is your sect leader,” one of them, the latter, said, and if his voice was a little regretful, it was also cold and passionless. “He has issued punishment. Are you defying his order?”

Lan Qiren’s hands were like fists on his knees. “Where is my brother?” he asked. He didn’t think an appeal would be a good idea, even if he were technically entitled to it – it’d be futile, unless his brother abruptly realized how foolish he was being – but he would be fine with it if only the answer wasn’t…

“With Rogue Cultivator He. She has agreed to give him another chance.”

Lan Qiren bit his lip and looked down. He did not like He Kexin, and not only because she had so grossly transgressed against him in an obvious attempt to convince his brother not to like her any longer – an attempt that, given the extent of his brother’s love-madness, probably wouldn’t have worked even if Lan Qiren hadn’t been utterly repulsed by the idea of bedding his brother’s prospective bride – and the idea of her giving his brother another chance at this point, even after having done so much to try to make him go away…

Perhaps she liked men that fought over her, he thought bitterly. Or perhaps it was only that she appreciated how much of his love she had for him to treat his younger brother as nothing on her behalf - though if that was what she was thinking, she was sorely mistaken. 

“Something will need to be done about my brother’s behavior,” he said, looking up at them desperately. “You must know that this is not sustainable, honored teachers.”

“That is not your concern,” his swordsmanship teacher said, while his music teacher merely looked sad and helpless, as if what was happening was a force of nature that could not be quelled or diverted, and not merely a single man’s inappropriate behavior. “Will you accept the punishment? Or do you intend to defy the sect leader’s order?”

Lan Qiren shook his head mutely, and went to the discipline hall.

Afterwards, Lan Yueheng scurried in after him, shoving a healing pill into Lan Qiren’s mouth and holding his mouth shut until he swallowed it. “You should go,” he said, glancing around anxiously. “You don’t want to be here any longer than you have to.”

“You assume I don’t have to,” Lan Qiren said, still shaking from the pain. He’d never gotten that many strikes all at once, not in his life; he could barely stand unaided, and leaned on Lan Yueheng gratefully. “I’m supposed to kneel and meditate on my actions for three days –”

“You can do that somewhere else!”

Lan Qiren shook his head.

But for once Lan Yueheng was right and he was wrong. On the first two days of his punishment, he saw his brother pass by the discipline hall in an excellent mood, his ‘second chance’ with He Kexin going better than he had hoped – according to the gossip Lan Qiren overheard, apparently she did like it when handsome men fought for her and believed in her, and moreover apparently one of her friends had intervened on his behalf – but on the third day, just as he was about to complete his penance for crimes he had not committed, his brother returned suddenly in a fury over some setback. In a bout of bad luck and bad timing, he saw Lan Qiren just as he was making his way out of the hall, and in a fit of temper he had extended his order from one set of strikes to two, even though such a retrospective revision of punishment was contrary to both the letter and spirit of the rules.

He was the sect leader, though. According to the rules Lan Yi had set down so many years ago, as sect leader, he was entitled to vary the rules if he felt the need to do so.

This time, when the punishment was done, Lan Qiren hauled himself out of there, using the wall and sheer willpower to force his shaking legs to carry him, and stiffly announced to the teacher supervising punishments that he planned to meditate in penance in the Cold Spring instead of the discipline hall.

It was technically against the stricter interpretations of discipline, since he’d been punished to kneel, not meditate, but the Cold Spring was known to have recuperative and pain-easing properties as well as acting as an aid to cultivation; his teachers, which had overseen his punishment for the second time with tightly pressed lips signifying disapproval that meant nothing if they were unwilling to take any action to stop it, did not dispute him, and with a nod his freedom was assured.

Lan Qiren had a brief moment of disquiet when he got there and realized that he would have to strip off his clothing in order to bathe – he’d only had enough time to wash himself since the incident with He Kexin, and a quick scrub in the cold air did not leave time to worry about who might try to find him while he lacked a protective layer of clothing – but with a deep breath he reminded himself that he, unlike his brother, would not allow his life to be governed by He Kexin’s whims. Anyway, it would be unhealthy to wade in with all his clothing on; the wet cloth would serve only to make him feel colder and get less benefit out of the water’s healing properties. Even if his golden core was strong enough to resist most of the negative effects of catching cold, there was no need to tempt fate.

He put his clothing somewhere he could easily see it, tucking his access token into the clothing in such a way that summoning the token would drag along the robe as well, and then unsteadily entered the water, wincing at the bracing chill as he sank down until he was neck-deep in the water, settling himself in the proper position to meditate. Or, well, to sit blankly and wait for there to be a little less pain: even putting aside the severity, it was also the first time he’d ever been subject to back-to-back punishments in such a reckless fashion. Lack of treatment after a punishment was fairly standard if the sentence also included kneeling – technically, Lan Yueheng shouldn’t have given him a pill to encourage healing, and Lan Qiren shouldn’t have accepted it, although doing so was not a major breach. Moreover, given that the teachers had ignored it rather than adding on any additional punishment, it might even be seen as having been subtly countenanced.

Lan Qiren rather wished he had one now.

Or Lan Yueheng, for that matter. Or even Cangse Sanren, far away in Yunmeng, or Lao Nie, or someone, anyone, who would be friendly and take his side, even –

“Lan Qiren?”

Lan Qiren blinked, surprised to note that the angle of the light had changed considerably; he must have fallen asleep or otherwise drifted off. Or perhaps he was still asleep, because why else would he be hearing Wen Ruohan’s slow drawling tone saying his name in the middle of the Cloud Recesses?

“Ah, little Lan,” the man himself said, gliding out of the mist that surrounded the Cold Spring like a wraith. “There you are.”

Lan Qiren stared at him mutely. “You’re – here.”

It didn’t feel real. How could Wen Ruohan be here?

“I am,” Wen Ruohan said, his lips curved in his usual arrogant expression, the one that said I don’t care what you think of me. “Or am I expected to await your invitation in the future?”

“No,” Lan Qiren said, because he felt even less in control of anything to do with his sect than he had been when he’d been its second young master, even though he was now the presumptive heir. His vision of Wen Ruohan blurred and briefly doubled; he blinked to clear it. “I’m glad you’re here.”

He hadn’t meant to say that. Even if it was true.

Wen Ruohan’s eyes briefly widened, and then he smirked, looking delighted by the admission. “So you missed me after all,” he said, his voice low and intimate; one might almost call it a purr. “Ah, my stubborn little brother…”

Lan Qiren briefly closed his eyes. Had his brother ever referred to him directly like that? He couldn’t remember if he had.

He wished that it had been some single moment in time, some rash act, that had driven his blood brother, born of the same father and mother, so far away from him. He even wished that it was something that he had done so that it could be something he might fix, might repair with apologies and penance, but he knew that it wasn’t.

When he opened his eyes again, he found that Wen Ruohan had come closer, prowling along the edge of the Cold Spring with his red eyes fixed on Lan Qiren. His pace, as always, was slow and steady – it felt inexorable, unstoppable, and Lan Qiren did nothing to stop him, watching blankly as he came forward, crouching down right beside the place where Lan Qiren was sitting beneath the water.

“Little Lan,” Wen Ruohan purred. “My little Lan…”

He reached out, his long-nailed fingers tracing down along Lan Qiren’s cheek, as light as snowflakes, and down to his chin, catching it in a strong grip and turning his face to look up at Wen Ruohan.  His thumb brushed against Lan Qiren’s lips.

Lan Qiren swallowed. It had been, he thought, too long since he had felt the touch of someone who wished him well, or indeed anyone at all; he had missed it more than he had realized.

Wen Ruohan noticed, and his smirk widened.

“I heard a rumor that you had been caught in attempted adultery,” he remarked. “I didn’t believe it, of course, and no one else did, either – but I had to come see for myself.”

“I didn’t,” Lan Qiren croaked. His voice felt strangled and inexplicably hoarse, and he found himself absently calculating distances in the back of his mind: Wen Ruohan must have left the Nightless City for the Cloud Recesses the very moment he received the report from his spies on what had happened in order to be here now. “I really – didn’t.”

“I believe you,” Wen Ruohan said, sounding cool and amused. “It didn’t really seem like something that my little Lan would do. My little Lan, who missed me so…”

Lan Qiren tried to turn his head away, not wanting to see the smug satisfaction in Wen Ruohan’s voice and face and manner – Wen Ruohan hadn’t won, he thought stubbornly to himself. Lan Qiren hadn’t given up on his conviction that such torture was wrong or that Wen Ruohan was wrong in engaging in it. It was only that Lan Qiren was tired and in pain, and willing to accept comfort from just about anyone.

Wen Ruohan wouldn’t let him turn away, though, and overpowered his weak movement easily.

“Don’t fret,” he said coaxingly. “I missed you, too.”

That sounded nice.

“I must admit, I tried not to. I thought to myself that if you were so foolish as to turn away from me, the consequences should be on your own head, nothing to do with me. But despite my best efforts, you were never far from my thoughts…”

Wen Ruohan’s hand released Lan Qiren’s  chin and drifted down to his throat, lightly pressing his nails against his skin as if examining how the color changed when he did. He moved closer, too close for Lan Qiren to see him clearly given the mist and the angle; his second hand fell upon Lan Qiren’s shoulder, while his first continued to drift down, skating along his collarbone, drifting over to his side –

His touch slid across one of the stray bruises left over from his punishment.

Lan Qiren flinched.

That was a bad idea, of course. The involuntary reflex moved his body too quickly, straining all his other cuts and bruises, and the spike of pain from that made him gasp and instinctively curl up. His vision briefly whited out, and he struggled to control his breathing, keeping it slow and shallow to let the pain pass over him.

After a moment that felt overly long, his vision cleared. When it did, he became aware that Wen Ruohan’s fingers were pressed to his brow in the place between his eyes, transferring warm qi to him in such a torrent that it almost hurt; Lan Qiren lifted up a hand to stop him.

Wen Ruohan was faster than him, though, and he pulled away his hand and caught Lan Qiren’s, pulling it up to examine the bruising that was already appearing on the back of his arm – stray marks, in the main part, since the majority were on his back, between his neck and thighs. “What happened?” he asked, voice sharp. “How did you get these wounds?”

Lan Qiren looked at him in bewilderment: was this not the same man he had seen twist human beings into shapes their bodies could not bear, burn them with fire and slice them into bits? Why would he care so much over a few bruises and cuts, the marks left behind by unyielding wood when it struck flesh, instruments of discipline used a thousand times over in every single sect? 

“You know already,” he said, unable to keep the slight tone of plaintive accusation out of his voice. “You said you believed me…”

Wen Ruohan stared at him, expression strangely blank, and then in a single gesture he pulled Lan Qiren up to a standing position, waist-deep in the water and choking on the pain of it, back bent forward like a bow, the worst of the marks now visible to Wen Ruohan’s burning gaze.

“What is this?” he demanded.

It wasn’t really a question that needed answering, and he wasn’t really asking, not anymore, but Lan Qiren responded regardless: “Punishment.”

Wen Ruohan’s hand was tight on his wrist.

“For what?” he snarled, and he sounded furious. Lan Qiren didn’t know if he’d ever heard Wen Ruohan sound this angry - he didn’t know if anyone alive had heard him be this angry, and if they had whether they’d survived the experience. “It is impossible that you actually bedded your brother’s lover. So what possible reason could they have for punishing you?”

“He’s my sect leader,” Lan Qiren said groggily. His head was starting to hurt; he had exited the cold water too quickly. “Does he need a reason?”

The hand on his wrist tightened still further. Lan Qiren would probably have bruises there in the morning as well, equally undeserved - but he minded these far less. 

At least Wen Ruohan was angry on his behalf.

“Qingheng-jun is daring indeed,” Wen Ruohan said, his voice as smooth as silk and as dark as a moonless night. “To think he can act with impunity to anyone he wishes, even going so far as to harm one with whom I share an oath –”

“…do you?”

Wen Ruohan stopped. “Share an oath with you?”

“No,” Lan Qiren said. His head lolled a little, and he found that somewhere along the line he had been drawn into Wen Ruohan’s arms, making it easy to rest his head on the other man’s shoulder. Wen Ruohan was overly warm, as always; his sect always preferred cultivation techniques involving yang energy and fire – it wasn’t a surprise, not really, but it was unexpected how pleasant it was. “Need a reason.” He shook his head a little. “You hurt people, too.”

“You are not just any person,” Wen Ruohan said. “You’re my little brother.”

“I’m his little brother, too.”

He felt Wen Ruohan’s hand, blazingly hot against his water-chilled body, come to rest on his hair.

“You were born with poor luck in brothers, little Lan,” he said, his breath warm against Lan Qiren’s ear. It was as if all the heat in the world was contained in his body, and Lan Qiren capable only of leeching off of it. “Not just him, but me as well; we each fail you in turn. I will not apologize for having bound you to me, for I do not regret it – but I will endeavor to make it up to you.”

Surrounded by all that warmth, Lan Qiren drifted off to sleep.