#and being frustrated about undiagnosed autism as a child

[froody]

One thing I hate in the age of the Internet is parents coming online to vent frustrations about their children in a really negative and public way. It’s normal frustrations parents would have with a kid but they’re like “My kid said they were too tired to clean up after their friend came over and was a total pain in the ass and threw a tantrum so I made her go to bed without any entertainment. She’s such a princess and she really gets on my nerves.” “My kid won’t fucking eat anything because he’s such a little shit picky eater and I hate cooking for him.”

And it’s like. I understand being a parent is hard. But maybe vent these frustrations to your fellow parent friends or family members after your kids have gone to sleep. If your kid finds these videos later on, they’re going to be really fucking hurt by them. I was convinced my parents hated me as a kid (undiagnosed autism, trauma and anxiety caused so much miscommunication between us) and if I heard my mom speaking about me the way some of these parent influencers talk about their kids, it would have fucking destroyed me.

Then when people in the comments are like “Hey, this isn’t a very nice thing to share about your child online.” or “Maybe try [COMMUNICATION TACTIC] to avoid this happening again?” the OP gets fucking pissed at them. Because they WANT their child to be the villain in this story. They don’t want resolutions. They don’t want suggestions. They don’t want the people they overshared to to take the side of the child in the story.

[identitty-dickruption]

kind of frustrating seeing people use “masked autism” and “late diagnosed autism” as synonyms. I had meltdowns where I threw chairs at school up until the age of 15. I got in trouble for wandering off all the time, to the point that adults in my life would frequently joke about putting me on a leash. I had more days off school than any other kid I knew. I was bullied no matter how many times I changed schools. I got diagnosed when I was 18 years old

now, I was privileged in that I had a little more stability in later high school, and a couple of very dedicated teachers helped me to be better at school. I’m still privileged in that I’m now at university and looking to have a career in academia. I still can’t mask super well, but life has certainly started to get a little easier for me. that is absolutely not the case for everyone

being diagnosed as a child can be a kind of violence, in that a diagnosed child is vulnerable to particular kinds of abuse. being undiagnosed as a child has people feeling like they’re fundamentally broken for no reason. but there’s an overlap between those two things, and it doesn’t help anyone to act like the only reason a child could go undiagnosed is because they learn to mask. it’s way more complex than that

[imnotacryptid]

Alexei Orlov | Callsign Kit

Call of Duty OC! I really enjoyed doing all the research to pull together his backstory details, and now I know that the British Military has a website dedicated to archiving like every kind of weapon ever, their uses, and when they were popular and why, which is incredibly helpful <3

Read below for Lore!

Alexei was born in Russia, but his parents move to Manchester when he’s 10 years old. He experiences a lot of neglect as a child, often left on his own, and tends to get into fights easily. He joins the BAF at 16 for the bed and regular meals. He excels within the structured routine and expectations of the military (it’s the undiagnosed autism) and moves into special ops by the time he’s 24 years old.

He joins the SAS and specializes in reconnaissance, sometimes functioning as a sniper when needed. He possesses an ungodly amount of patience, and crawling face-down for several kilometers doesn't bother him because of the repetitive motion. His keen eye for detail and ability to sketch out markers and guesstimate accurate distances lends him well to the role. 

When he is 26 he is sent on a mission as a part of a task force to remove a drug kingpin in a city near Novosibirsk (chosen for his speciality and fluency in Russian) who has been making efforts to amass weapons of war. The objective was to find evidence on his supplier and then take him out. Things go wrong when intel provided to the task force does not account for the amount of men and the heavy guns they already had. Alexei’s own reconnaissance revealed slightly more men than expected, but the rest of the forces had been hidden, so the squad had thought they were prepared.

They are taken captive after being overwhelmed quickly once they move in on their target, and comms are jammed. Most of the task force is killed, but Alexei is used for translation purposes as he and what is left of the rest of the squad are tortured for information. Pretty soon the kingpin realizes that they won’t break/don’t know anything helpful to him, and discards the rest of them. Alexei had his tongue cut out in frustration by his captors when they could not extract information, and believing that the blood loss will kill him quickly enough, they move him into the pile to be burned with the rest of his squad that night. They were messy however, and missed the artery in his tongue. He manages to crawl into the shadows and eventually further into the woods where the bonfire has been set up. He packs his mouth with snow and ice, and once he makes it far enough away, cauterizes the wound. Once he makes it to Novosibirsk he receives medical treatment, and is then debriefed.

He enters back into the SAS once he finishes his recovery, partially because he doesn’t really have anywhere else to go, and partially because during his recovery when he is on leave, he desperately misses  the lack of routine.

His callsign is ‘Kit’ which originates from several different places. It starts on one of his first mission swift the SAS, where he has to sit for so long in one spot in the middle of winter watching the target, that a group of feral cats curl up with him because of his body heat. He ends up scaring his Lt. half to death when he’s late back to base because of it, and his squad will never let him forget it. They start to call him ‘Kitty’, and additionally because of his silent tendencies, even around base, when they’re looking for him  they’ll call “Hereee kitty, kitty, pspsps” As though they’re calling a cat. 

Also, because of his tendency to doodle on his clothing, he often gets asked by other soldiers and higher ups that are unfamiliar with him ‘What the hell’s up with his kit,’ which becomes another double meaning for his Callsign.

At this point, and especially after his escape from capture, he’s learned to deal with the nicknames, and from those he is close to in the SAS, he appreciates the jokes. His squadmates don’t even think about it, and will shout from the common area kitchen “Want some Coffee, Kitty?” and Alexei, who has just introduced himself to a new soldier as ‘Kit’ will just have to sigh and accept it. (One time an FNG tried to call him p*ssy as a joke, but Alexei just decked him then and there, and that was the end of the matter. He didn’t get in trouble despite his Lt. standing right there watching, because the man essentially told the FNG that ‘hey man, you were kind of asking for it at that point’).

Common attributes/symbols: Prefers the AW Covert, AW50F and compact Glock 19, and a Fairbairn–Sykes fighting knife when in close combat. Tends to scratch doodles into his kit when he’s bored, and many of his clothes he wears on duty have cats, birds, and bugs sketched on the sleeves or on the thighs of his jeans.

Common activities/hobbies: He likes to keep track of the stray cats he sees around whatever base he’s stationed on in a small notebook organized by color, breed, and type. He also is often listening to music (when he can get away with it/when it’s appropriate), leaning towards mostly russian rap like Miyagi, Truwer, and Markul*(his favorite).

[milehighmegs]

On the Subject of AuDHD: An Admission

CW: discussion but not recounting of abuse & bullying

SO. I've spent the last several hours watching various TEDx Talks about ADHD & autism on YouTube. Granted, I've done this in lieu of doing my homework, because, well... ADHD. If you've got it, you get it. Oh I understand PERFECTLY what this means: scrambling to complete my assignments later today or even tomorrow, carrying the weight of guilt, shame, & self-flagellation of not having done what I was "supposed" to do when I had the opportunity... but I've spent my life doing that, so it ain't my first rodeo. Thanks, executive dysfunction.

Most of what I've been watching today has to do with the subject of masking; in short, masking is what ND people do to be seen as "normal," "fitting in," or being deemed "acceptable" by society at large. The biggest problem with masking is that it not only deprives the world of what we ND folks have to offer in terms of differing perspectives, new ideas, & innovative thinking; it deprives US of connecting with a clear & open identity of ourselves, and in the process suppressing those things that make us unique, excited, & truly engaged with ourselves and the world. It also creates an insane amount of self-doubt, with a sizeable helping of imposter syndrome, when we finally realize that dropping the mask is the best thing we can do for ourselves, but have zero clue as to how to go about it.

As a child, I had no mask. For me, this translated into having no filter. Not on my behavior, not on my reactions & responses, and certainly not on my mouth. Around the age of 5, I had developed enough cognitively to recognize- if not understand- that most people were uncomfortable with my lack of filter, and those in positions of authority or just age-based seniority made sure I knew it. My mouth got me into a LOT of trouble, mostly because I would say things that were "disrespectful" (and I don't mean slurs or bullying; I would usually just say things to an adult that would contradict them or prove them wrong and they didn't like it). I have been described throughout my entire life as having an "attitude problem;" read: they didn't like my attitude because it conflicted with their level of entitlement & perceived authority. This has in a lot of ways diminished, probably because I've reached a point where I can claim age-based authority, but much more so because I've learned to bite my tongue just to keep the so-called peace.

Being a highly sensitive person means that I often have issues with emotional regulation, but I learned from age 5 on that I was not allowed to be an emotional person. My parents, and particularly my mother, are extremely uncomfortable with any show of emotion. We are NOT a touchy-feely family. We do not talk about our feelings. We do not show our feelings, not even to each other, and especially not in public. Anger was okay to a point, but happiness? Sadness? Frustration? Not allowed. So you can imagine what this was like for me growing up: an AFAB kid in the 90's with undiagnosed ADHD and autism, who was branded as "gifted" early on, only to burn out in high school when classes were either so easy that they became boring, or so challenging that I would cry over a single algebra problem that I could not, no matter how hard I tried, get right.

As my brain developed further, I may have struggled with social cues from peers (and I still do), but I was keenly aware that me being me was not okay at home. This was where I first learned to mask. If I had a tough day at school (I was bullied for being a little weird, a little too smart, a lot too small, etc.), I didn't tell my parents. I didn't tell my teachers. Why? Because I learned early that adults would blow it off as me being too sensitive and/or too dramatic. That's what happens to sensitive kids. Everything, no matter how real or how awful, becomes a "cry for attention." At that time, I wasn't struggling academically; I was struggling socially, but no one who could have helped was willing to. So I learned to mask at school, too. It took a really awful incident for me to learn that lesson. With teachers & peers alike, I pretended. I faked it. I LIED. About who I was, about how I felt, about how I was doing.

Deprived of connection, of affection, and of basic acceptance, I tried for a few years to fit in with whatever crowd I was running with or who I was trying to impress. Until my junior year of high school when I threw all that onto a proverbial funeral pyre and dove headfirst into the deep end of being the "goth chick." I felt, for the first time in my life, that I was expressing myself in a truly authentic way, but- of course- no one took me seriously, and it was blown off as being a phase (spoiler alert: it wasn't a phase). I was called a poser because my first two years of high school had been me trying on various looks, various personas, various MASKS, trying to find the one that felt the least uncomfortable while also being the most socially acceptable. As a middle-class choir girl with a (on the surface) good home life and decent academic performance, why in the world I'd walk around in fishnets, black rubber bracelets, 3-inch platform knee-high lace-up boots, and dyed-burgundy hair hanging 3 feet straight down from my scalp was beyond everyone's comprehension. I gave no fucks. I was, at least on the outside, being honest with myself, and- to a degree- honest with others about who I really was.

The problem was that I couldn't tell anyone that I was still disconnected, still starved for affection, and still struggling to feel accepted, even by my fellow "freaks." So, I didn't realize it at the time, but I used my "fuck off" appearance to push people away before they had a chance to push me away for being too much. I rejected them before they had a chance to reject me. I put up barriers to acceptance from the get-go by rejecting the supposed ideals of what being a teenager at that time meant, and swung in the complete opposite direction, boldly & brazenly, just to drive home the point. This all changed drastically not long after graduation.

I had joined the military, but lasted only 7 months because I opted out upon becoming pregnant with my daughter. Her father, my first husband, was verbally abusive: he ridiculed the way I dressed (I was still goth), pointed out the weight I'd gained carrying HIS child, insulted my faith (I'm pagan, he was a devout Christian)... he expected that because I'd become his wife & babymama that I would just convert and change who I was because he had a rep to protect. No thank you. That marriage ended. But it left me with severe emotional scars. If the man who had claimed to love me, who had vowed to protect & respect me, could hurt me so deeply, what hope did I have with the rest of the world? The mask parade started all over again.

I spent 20 years after that putting on mask after mask after mask. None felt good. None felt right. Every time the mask got too heavy, too smothering, I'd take it off and lose someone or something else in my life. A friend. A romantic partner. A job. I tried to be a wife & mom two other times after my first disastrous performance. I was thrice divorced before age 36, with two kids by two different fathers, no career, no home of my own, and no future to speak of. In short, by the time I gathered the courage to relocate to a new state in the middle of a pandemic, I had no hope.

The Covid Times™ were awful. But if there was one good thing that came out of them, it was that the amount of time I spent watching Netflix & Prime ultimately led me to find my purpose & passion in life; I'm currently working on a degree to do the job I never knew I wanted. But the other benefit was having all that time to doomscroll social media, where I learned that a few of my old high school friends had recently been diagnosed with an array of ND conditions, mostly autism & ADHD. As kids in the 90's, a lot of the AMAB kids got ADD diagnoses and were pumped full of ritalin, but us AFABs were left in the dust. And NO ONE would have suspected autism in any of us because at that time, autism was a very different thing; there was no spectrum, just a narrow set of criteria that included savantism, being non-verbal, and/or seemingly random bouts of rage or tantrums over seemingly small incidents. Those of us who spoke, tied our shoes, and fed ourselves would never have been placed in the autism category. It was sad, looking back on it now, because it would have made so many things make so much more sense, and could have made our difficult childhood-into-adulthood transitions so much simpler.

But back to the masks. Because I spent so much time alone, stuck in my apartment with only my cat for company, I learned a lot about myself, which came with a lot of negative self-talk for not being myself all these years. Now, all alone in a new state, no way to socialize or connect with new people, and all the people I knew being over a thousand miles away, I felt- at first- that I had a clean slate. But once the world started to open up more, and I started attending college on-campus, I went the opposite direction: I didn't want to be seen. Walking the halls with my head down, using self checkout everywhere I could, keeping conversation with my Lyft passengers to a minimum (or tragically way oversharing; there is no middle ground with me)... Looking back on it now, I know it's because I hadn't fully fleshed out my true identity; I was still clinging to old habits, old ways of thinking, still had a "don't notice me" wardrobe. I was still wearing a mask, but now it was totally blank. I wanted to appear as two-dimensional and as forgettable as possible. It only served to isolate me even further.

Which brings me to today. I've had to move back in with my mom (long story) at the age of nearly 43, and while I'm excited about my first semester at a state-level university, I'm back to being fully online so I'm not connecting with my fellow students. Mom is still emotionally distant, I have no friends here, and I'm as single as it gets, so I'm still starved for affection. And though I've found something of a community online, here on tumblr and in other places, having recently come out as genderfluid, I still feel isolated thanks to imposter syndrome. I finally unmasked that particular part of myself, and I'm proud to have done so, but not having been part of this community for long, I feel like it's going to take extra hard work to feel accepted into it. And I'm still masking in other ways: just this morning, I woke up in a shit mood, and I snapped at my mom a bit before admitting to said shit mood. She said, "Then take your shit mood and go away." So I did. And I've locked myself in the study since, watching YouTube videos on ADHD & autism masking, and writing this.

I doubt it ever occured to her that my shit mood would have gone away if she had just asked me what my shit mood was about, and then listened openly to my worries about school, money, and my fresh fears around my genderfluidity. But I was raised to not just wear the mask; I was raised to BE the mask. To not just put it on, but to BECOME it. I was taught, from a very early age, that I was far too much for the people around me to handle, and that I should just take myself elsewhere, disappear, conceal myself, don't be a burden, leave it alone, forget about it. To be forgotten. To be rejected, and to accept that rejection without question, without pain, without confusion. Bury it. Hide it. Live with it.

So where's the admission here? It's that while I'm scared of all this, I'm even more tired of not being ME. I guess it's in that I'm ready- eager even- to bust way out of my shell, to take off the mask and burn that motherfucker down, but that I'm also terrified to do so, and am totally clueless as to how. I admit that I know taking off the mask is the best thing I can do for myself, but it's become so much a part of my identity that I'm still not entirely sure who I am without it. I'm scared, terrified, that I may use my genderfluidity as just another mask; that I may use my AuDHD as just another mask. Terrified that all these things I know about myself to be true & real & authentic & all that are really just masks in disguise, if that make any sense at all. Just new masks being created in a desperate attempt to be accepted by anyone, anywhere. In other words, is this imposter syndrome? Or am I just an imposter? I don't have any real way to know unless I fully live out what I'm feeling instead of hiding it from others, and ultimately hiding it from myself. Maybe when I get to the end of this paragraph, I'll have a better idea of what to do.

Until then, thank you for reading this far. Have some potatoes.

[anulithots]

12 for the writing ask game!!!

12. What emotions do you expect your readers to feel?

... So I've been chasing and driving myself crazy trying to achieve this. Overcomplicated it for myself to be honest. NOt that writing the Land of the Fallen Fairies isn't fun... I've been trying to relax a bit more as I write and not stress over the whole 'is it good?' nonsense. Especially for Anuli's POV, everyone else is so much simpler than this problem child. (I love faer tho... also that's probably in character so it works)

But Anuli primarily focuses on feeling exploration, faer entire character themes are about happiness chasing and being unable to keep such an abstract emotion in a 'happy ending' sort of way. So every chapter and snippet I attempt to have faer explore a certain emotion without ever saying it in words. More so stories and metaphors and that whole stream-of-consciousness thing.

ANd overall, I REALLY want to convey that feeling of having a nice parent that pours all this love and care and attention into making sure you're happy... and you... aren't... I remember feeling so bad when I was little and reading a mother's day book and hearing my mom talk about how hard it is to keep a tiny me safe and happy when she could've been doing things for herself. And it's like... the least you could do is be happy enough in return and not be such a burden that always messes things up with volatile emotions and meltdowns. But alas.

Also just volatile, icky emotions that one cannot really describe. Happy hyperfixated ones that one cannot describe. They don't stay either. fragile, fickle things that you wish so desperately to hold but they slip through your fingers and leave you clawing at the dirt.

Overtime this turns into a slow self-disgust and... you know.. perhaps.... undiagnosed adhd (or perhaps autism? I know Anuli is neurodivergent but while I was going for inattentive adhd fae also seems autistic to me? Idk.)

Then the whole 'trying to get quick fixes that reform your personality'. The self-help rabbit hole. Which only leaves you more frustrated. Huzzah.

Er... not sure if those were... emotions per se, but that's what I'm going for with Anuli, and Kamari and Ankh are something different entirely, but they are easier so it's all good.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE ASK!

[garpond]

there are few things that make me sadder than how blatantly parents of autistic children just never stop talking about how much they hate their kids even if they dont think thats what theyre saying. definitely my fault for ending up in places where parents of autistic children are discussing things but its kinda hard to avoid when you look up tips for how to deal with any autism struggle bc that's most of what exists. its just like...they dont love their children at all. like a little bit. its always about how they make everything harder and their innate behavior is so frustrating and disappointing and hard to live with and how much they wish they could be different and all sorts of advice on how to "fix" "problem behaviors" and it just. makes me so upset like i know this is nothing new but its just insane. the lack of love. the way the lack of love is seen as justified and normal. the way having that child in their life is understood to be a tragedy by everyone present. the knowledge that their child has grown up knowing on no uncertain terms that everything they do is hated so much by their parent and theyll never truly just be accepted and loved. i grew up undiagnosed and even i got these same messages and this same frustration with my behavior that had me growing up thinking i was born unloveable, but its a special, extra type of horrible when there's a specific word to dehumanize you hanging over your head as you're growing up and giving that behavior societal legitimacy. people dont seem to be able to wrap their head around the idea that we genuinely do not know how autism would present in someone with no trauma but its because there are arguably no un-traumatized autistic people. and this kind of shit is one of the biggest reasons, right up there with every other person in our lives pretty much being the exact same way. you're never loved or cared about no matter where you go. youre never valued as you are the message you get over and over in a million ways is that everyone would be better off if you didnt exist its sickening and it feels like society at large does not care and never will

[invernom]

So I'm diagnosed inattentive adhd, undiagnosed-but-strongly-suspecting autistic & undiagnosed-but-damn-certain-of-it osdd type plural system, I have some particular experiences that I feel like kinda blur lines between diagnoses, between what traits I have and what I don't, and why I do or don't act in certain ways.

Aka I just feel frustrated about memory issues, repression & childhood & the burden of proving diagnoses when I have a brain that got way too good at masking everything, even from itself, and I wanted to disjointedly vent about it

So for a long time I've had a niggling feeling like I've been skating forward in life operating like I've always done, but there's a lot of mental processing that goes on in my subconscious that I'm not really able to touch and understand. And I feel like I have a continuous, uninterrupted experience of my life & access to memory (I.e. no blackouts or time loss traditionally associated with DID) but then again I also intellectually know I have memory like a seive and forget stuff all the time

And I can't remember a lot of my past, except when I start trying to connect to parts of myself, my experience and feelings I don't traditional access (or have long-term suppressed) when operating on a day-to-day level. Then I can get vivid, clear memories flooding back to the point where I almost feel like I'm there again (which is still fucking wild to me, when I'm used to my memories always being hazy and scattered!)

But like even though I'm gaining access to more of my memories, there's still a lot I don't have. And I've met (and blended with, at one point) parts of myself that restrict or open access to memories/information to different parts of my mind??

And blending with or connecting to various parts of myself has given me temporary access to memories, knowledge and traits/behaviors that I lose once we separate, which is fucking weird! Like afterwards I'll have clear memories of what blending was like and what I experienced myself saying, thinking or doing when blended, but like the wellspring of knowledge & personality that the alter brought up that generated those things isn't there anymore. And I can't really capture the same results if I try to mimic them without the connection. Also some of my alters have special interests and deep insights about stuff I've never thought deeply on or even thought about thinking deeply on & then they come blend with me and I'm infodumping & I'm like ???? :O

So like it's really cool to be introduced to my own hidden depths and to find out about parts of myself I didn't know about or thought I'd lost, but it's also still deeply frustrating to navigate trying to prove I'm a system or autistic to anybody who's skeptical or needs proof from my childhood or my family's recollections of me.

Like the adhd really hasn't been a problem to prove or talk about to others, but the plurality is mostly internal or is stuff I explore alone (bc it makes me feel vulnerable or weird, and generally talking about it feels like trying to describe a weird dream or a paranormal encounter to someone).

And the autism... How do I prove autism to my therapist when my brain has restricted my access to most of my childhood memories, and my family members also have shit memories (possibly bc of their own neurodivergence)? And what childhood behavior of mine is remembered by myself/others is influenced by the unique blend of my neurodivergent traits plus the hidden, subconscious work my mind learned to do & dissociate from in order to keep me functioning on the day to day.

Like the more I learn about my own brain via my system & the more I connect to my true self in its various parts, the more solid I feel in that feeling I've always had that part of the reason my surface-self is so scatterbrained and foggy most of the time is bc a LOT of thinking, processing, remembering & feeling has been happening where I can't reach.

And that's probably been happening since I was a small child, too. I feel like my smart, sensitive and intuitive little brain internalized a lot of stuff in its quest of trying to grow up & fit in & function, and a lot of autistic traits that may otherwise become a noticeable pattern in some children came out a few times for me, got a negative response from others, and bc of that I repressed and dissociated from them. Or the traits others didn't like that I couldn't subconsciously repress I learned to consciously repress or hide, bc even when I didn't understand why I had them I knew they were undesirable.

(Also, side note, I get the feeling I developed as an osdd system that has an always-fronting shell alter to handle day to day life smoothly is bc of this slow, imperceptible poison drip kinda ND trauma and repression.)

So if I'm right on this theory, then it both shows how damn resourceful & adaptive my brain has always been, and would further confirm why I'm completely screwed on ever proving my autism to someone who needs proof of patterns in my childhood behavior to diagnose/believe me.

Like the biggest, most significant breakthrough I've ever had in my life towards healing & really reconnecting with myself after years spent in burnout & depression came only bc I asked myself "hey, what if I might be autistic?" & then had a sudden, clear experience of meeting other alters... and yet those are the 2 possible diagnoses I may never be able to officially confirm.

[alonestuckinthestars]

Auditory Processing Disorder

I've known I have auditory processing issues for a while but... Attending the con yesterday made me realize I very VERY likely have Auditory Processing Disorder, lol.

I spent most of my afternoon there with my friend and her boyfriend and for the life of me I just could NOT hear her boyfriend speak. My friend speaks VERY loud and clear so hearing her is not as much of an issue, but her boyfriend's volume of voice was at the same level as the background noise so everything mashed in together and I could not make out what he was saying, even if everyone else who struck a convo with him could hear him just fine.

Poor guy kept trying to talk to me (and I appreciate that lol) but all I could do was fake hmmhmm's, yeah's and haha's because the number of times I would have had to ask him to repeat himself is embarrassing. At one point he asked me something and though I heard him speak, I just did NOT understand so I looked away and stayed quiet hoping it was just a plain statement to close the topic until he repeated himself and it was actually a question.

It drives me insane because due to this I just can't fully engage in conversation even if I'd want to. It makes me look distant, standoffish, stupid, you name it. This happens at work all the time too, and looking up online there's other struggles I've always had I'd never even known were related to APD. Trouble remembering what was said, trouble following verbal instructions, difficulty on the phone if there's background noise, etc.

At least I guess I find comfort in the fact that APD often co-occurs with autism and ADHD, so I feel validated in the idea that I'm NOT making all this shit up. I might not look into an autism diagnosis bc that shit is expensive and hard to get but having APD diagnosed would perhaps be a lot more helpful to me in explaining shit to people/getting accomodations all the while being simultaneously validating of my autism in itself to me personally.

It's just frustrating that no one ever flagged this in my life. Like ok I get being undiagnosed for autism or adhd but auditory processing issues?? That shit is clearly visible man... My grandma herself said in my childhood I'd often be irresponsive when called on or talked to, as if I didn't hear them. This could be a symptom of many things, but PLEASE!!!! You have a disabled child right here!!!! Fucking do something about it instead of ignoring it oh my GOD!!!!!

Anyways. That said I'll try to look into formal diagnosis for it I guess, at least that'd be one thing clarified and dealt with.

[illbeweirdaboutit]

Now I Wanna Be Your Dog

Part 1

Eddie-centric, undiagnosed Autism, pet play, choking, BDSM, S&M, implied child abuse, bisexual Eddie, references to homophobia and homophobic violence, vague guesstimations about the gay kink scene in 1980s America, I'm English so sorry in advance for spellings, kink exploration, humiliation kink.

Eddie knows he's different, it has always been obvious, even before he began purposefully performing his eccentricities. He's often felt like he's either dragging behind his peers, lost and alone or uncontrollably steaming ahead, frustrated with how slow everyone else is. He's never met anyone in the middle, never found someone else who seems to get it. 

People confuse him. They follow imaginary rules he can't decode, rules he keeps clattering into, clumsy and disoriented. He doesn't understand why and how to take turns when speaking, doesn't understand why it's rude to point out obvious things. 

The older he gets, the less he cares. It was so frustrating trying to keep step that he's given up and skips along in a way that suits him better. It's easier, now he lives with his Uncle Wayne and his endless patience. Eddie feels bad sometimes, wishes he could be easier to look after, easier for Wayne to love. Easier for his parents to love. But ruminating on it makes him sad so he doesn't.

Eddie's experience with romantic and sexual relationships have been interesting. He's long known he prefers men, though occasionally a woman will catch his attention, and he understands well enough that being vocal about this will get his ass handed to him by the homophobe of the week. Despite that there's no shortage of curious teenagers at school or grabby men at bars who let him touch and kiss. He's never gone all the way with anyone but he's made others cum and has had been made to cum by hands that weren't his  own. 

If he drives out of Hawkins, there's bars and clubs that provide zines, books, comics and art about all the possibilities, the dangers and things he'd never even thought to try. They ignite something in him, something searing hot in his guts and difficult to keep to himself. 

Eddie has been called feral a few times. When he chewed through the strap on his watch, Wayne shook his head, called him feral and promised him a new watch for his birthday. His teacher spat the word at him when he couldn't sit still, fidgeting and kicking the underside of his own chair. The Hellfire party whined that he was mad, feral and wild when he set up a particularly difficult dungeon crawl and allowed no mercy. It's a word that has floated around him for years. Feral. Feral. Feral. 

For the longest time Eddie thought he craved control. The world spun so fast and he couldn't keep up. He didn't know if he was in front or behind himself half the time and the idea of being able to control something - someone - was so appealing. He loved to be a little rough when he kissed, to bark orders and instructions while playing D&D.

On one of his trips to the city he traded some weed for a small bundle of BDSM and kink zines. He'd heard about the kind of games you could play with sex and he needed to know more.

The zine he picked up last weekend burned a hole in his consciousness. He couldn't stop thinking about it, tucked under his mattress at home while he sat on the bleachers at school, fingering his hair, curling it around and around and around. FERAL in big mismatched type on the front. A person, mouth open and wide like they were barking with a thick studded collar around their neck. The silent shout of their bark cut off by an unseen hand pulling tight on a leash clipped to the back of the collar. FERAL. A zine for good and bad boys alike. It wasn't a particularly long zine but Eddie had been captivated. Men pretending to be dogs, allowed to be wild and unruly. Crawling on all fours, biting their masters hands, pushed down into submission. Eating from bowls on the floor, allowed to be free with someone else taking care of them. No need to observe confusing social rules. Feral.

At first he thought he wanted to have a pup of his own to play with and tug around. But the fantasies warped on a night, when he shoved his hand down his pants and touched himself. He thought about the oppressive weight of a heavy leather collar on his own neck. About being allowed to bite. He thought about straddling the leg of someone else, thrusting his hips hard against their skin as he got himself off. A gentle but condescending hand in his hair. A pat on the head as a well done afterwards. 

Eddie was getting hot, staring at nothing as mental Images flashed in time with his racing heartbeat. He pulled at his own fair slightly, a dark coil of hair purpling the tip of his finger as he tugged.

He thought about being pinned, fucked hard and fast as his Master choked him with a collar. He thought about being allowed to fuck his Master, fast and without rhythm because rowdy pups don't need to have finesse.

A commotion makes him jump out of his reverie. A couple of students lower down on the bleachers laughing and shrieking as they pretend to push each other. Eddie shakes his hair a little and forces himself to shelve his train of thoughts for later.

(Will try and finish part 2 soon)

[theevilcat]

A child could have mild symptoms of autism, but parents and guardians should still take proactive steps to seek a diagnosis.

When a child has autism spectrum disorder (ASD), caregivers can work with professionals to develop appropriate strategies in response. These strategies help children thrive in their environment through appropriate accommodations, therapy, and parent training.

While some children with autism may rarely encounter challenges related to their disorder, others may find that negative experiences increase as they get older. This can lead to unwanted stress, potentially up to the point of a crisis event. In extreme cases, a child could lose opportunities to advance in school or other life areas.

Understanding a child’s needs is important. Individuals in their life should never brush away observations that a child might have a behavior disorder. Instead, they can educate themselves on the signs of ASD and look into the next best actions to take.

Being “On the Spectrum” Can Mean a Wide Variety of Experiences

Autism is described as a spectrum of disorders for a reason. Signs of autism can present differently.

Some individuals will have significant behavior and communication challenges that make the possibility of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) diagnosis more likely.

In other cases, caregivers may notice occasional “atypical” behaviors but that don’t immediately cause them to seek a full behavioral health evaluation.

In the latter scenario, a child may never have their autism diagnosed or addressed therapeutically. It’s possible that mildly-expressed forms of ASD behavior go completely unnoticed.

But another possibility is that an undiagnosed child or their caregiver will feel frustrated by a lack of explanation for certain behavioral events. They may struggle with socialization, for instance, or they may lack commitment to extracurricular activities.

Ignoring the possibility of an autism diagnosis, especially if a child seems mostly neurotypical, can make it more difficult for them to adjust and have their needs met. For this reason, teachers and caregivers who observe subtle signs of ASD should speak with a mental health professional.

A child’s parents, teachers, and others with a direct role in their life are the best observers when it comes to picking up on a possible autism spectrum disorder diagnosis. Only a licensed mental health professional can come to a full, accurate diagnosis, but you don’t have to be a professional to suspect that an ASD diagnosis is possible.

What Are Some Possible Signs of Mild Autism?

ASD encompasses a broad range of behavioral patterns and experiences.

Inconsistency from one ASD case to the next can make it more difficult for caregivers to fully connect the dots.

Even so, there are many common behaviors that could point to a possible ASD diagnosis. Per the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), these may include:

Repetitive play or verbal expressiveness (echolalia)

A fixation on certain activities, ideas, or concepts

A reluctance to engage in new experiences or to disrupt routines

Aversion to certain forms of interaction, especially hugging or cuddling

Avoiding eye contact and being difficult to engage in conversation

Missing verbal or physical cues, such as not looking at where someone is pointing

Having difficulty understanding others’ feelings or talking about feelings in general

Reluctance to socialize or a preference for isolation

Trouble expressing their needs or wishes

Unexpected reactions to certain sights, sounds, textures, or smells

Tantrums or explosive aggression with unexpected triggers

Some children with ASD may appear to have a learning disability or other form of behavior disorder. They may also have co-occurring medical challenges, such as gastrointestinal (GI) discomfort, trouble sleeping, or seizures. Many individuals with autism may also have mental health disorders, such as anxiety, depression, or an attention deficit disorder.

It is also possible that any of the above behavior signs could be related to something other than autism, such as if a child has attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). This possibility should encourage those in the child’s life to seek a diagnostic assessment from a professional who can advise parents and others how best to address their needs.

Any Form of Autism Can Benefit From a Therapeutic Approach

Unnoticeable signs of autism can be detrimental to a child’s wellbeing when caregivers neglect to investigate further. People with autism can be given strategies and support that can help them work alongside their condition and be successful while still being completely and utterly themselves.

Once you begin talking with professionals about your child’s unique situation and any unexpected behaviors or occurrences, you can begin to understand him or her better. With support from clinicians and the community, you can provide conditions and strategies that encourage your child to have a less stressful, more fulfilling life.

If you think your child or a child in your life might have autism, take the first step toward seeing if they need extra care, attention, and support from you. Seek a diagnosis and support from professionals who use an evidence-based approach to achieve goals that help children thrive.

[performing-personhood]

Interesting thought: perhaps my dysregulation at misunderstanding and doing poorly on a project are because I was an anxious hyperempathic child with undiagnosed neurodiversity. It took me longer and a lot more questions to understand something and I would frustrate my parents.

Maybe I developed an extreme emotional reaction as a way of getting comforted during struggle. Because like yeah being frustrated happens but if the kid you're trying to help is also frustrated, and then immediately begins melting down about it, you're probably gonna abandon your frustration and offer comfort instead. Maybe I figured if I was intensely abusive to myself during that time I'd get the reaction I wanted.

My Dad also has low frustration tolerance bc he's the one I got all the autism from, which was surely a great person to have helping educate a child who struggles to learn at a predictable pace. This also certainly plays an enormous role in the strategy I ended up developing to cope with becoming emotionally dysregulated when experiencing frustration - learn by example and all that.

[sylviareviar]

If you're still taking them Pro and Con for Mako?

Pro: When Sylvia gets passionate about something, she could talk for hours. Because she was often lonely as a kid, she found ways to easily entertain herself, including when studying, so as long as she's being treated kindly and gently taught, Sylvia will be eager to please her teacher and study with every mite of her being. So when Makoto teaches her new things and is very gentle and soft about it, Sylvia absorbs the information like a sponge, because she doesn't want to disappoint her. On the contrary, she struggles to learn in Shujin Academy because the teachers are actually kind of dicks to her, assuming her IEP is an excuse to be lazy.

Con: When Sylvia doesn't understand something, no matter how passionate she is to learn it, she gets frustrated and blames herself. Though she is undiagnosed, her family believes this is due to her autism, which as a result, causes her to sometimes lash out against herself, such as hitting her head against the desk or digging her nails into her skin both out of anger and anxiety. Since most of her emotions have been internalized up until now, she doesn't know how to handle them any more than a child would, and can sometimes be prone to temper tantrums, no matter how hard she tries not to hurt others because of her immaturity.

[slimylayne]

Just watched drop dead fred for the first time since I was like 14 having many feelings

[selfundiagnosed]

shit you not the *only* and i am not exaggerating or being funny here. The one & only scary thing in the movie was this giant picture of bill clinton hanging on the wall that you would forget about until it jump scared you again. it happened just enough times to be forgotten about between each jump scare throughout the course of the movie.. so maybe 5 times. Not one campy thing about it. Nicholas cage acting like the joker (worse, somehow than any actor who has ever played the joker) and saying praise satan and shit i couldnt stop recoiling i wanted to walk out of the theatre mid movie so bad like NINE different times AT LEAST!!! i couldnt do it!!!!!!!! i have no spine i dont fucking care i will not watch a nepo baby try to hit silence of the lambs and reach a very surface level nonmultifaceted JOKE OF A PARODY movie ever again. Worst mistake of my life. every single line was trying to be some vague tongue in cheek zinger with no depth it was so painful & hard to watch. i remember when i had undiagnosed autism in like 2008 during the writers strikes trying to watch kids movies with my grandma at the movie theatre and getting so unfathomably enraged at how fucking awful every movie i saw was. Like 2008-2010 it felt like everything was SHIT and it made me want to blow a hole in my head so badly. Just straight up stopped watching movies until i was like 17. Yeah well this movie is the first movie in my life l can confidently say reverted me to 2008 when my autism irritiability would start spiraling & i’d want to start squirming and screaming and throwing things and having a meltdown lol but i had to internalize it so instead it just felt like the metaphysical equivalent of nails on a chalkboard on my insides🙂 i remember as soon as long legs started i was already starting to feel this age regression to this awful period in 2008. When i just thought everything in the world was so shitty it would leave me on the brink of tears out of frustration. Never in my adult life have i felt that until i saw that movie. Ive actually not seen a movie that bad since i was a child during the writers strike like thats jaw dropping to me..

i just watched the WORST movie in theatres and it has a 92% on rotten tomatoes and i genuinely cant wrap my head around it. Dont waste your time watching long legs it was SOOOOO painful i at a certain point i had to close my eyes and try to tune the movie out until it was over it made me recoil in my seat from cringing so hard #SO BAD

[indrids]

people have talked extensively abt how they liked or dislike the hand of guidance before devo's flashback, but putting in my two cents;

literally just hearing griffin play her has made me start shaking. relistening to her introduction, how well she and amber got along, was fucking terrifying. because devo has nothing. devo is alone, and while amber and zoox care about him in their own way, devo literally can't tell bc no one helped to socialize him as a kid!! the reason I stopped mid-season to do a tma relisten was because i felt no one actively took the time to understand devo. his complete lack of control over so many situations, his frustrating helplessness, fucking hurt, especially bc I'm someone who struggled with undiagnosed autism for most of my adolescence.

and guidance made him that way. the parish took this child and beat him down into the successor guidance needed without concerning themselves with him being a literal baby. devo never got the chance to even be a kid. all he was was devotion and when he gave up on that, he was nothing, he had nothing, and he still genuinely tried to be a good and happy person. but he couldn't forget what was done to him.

guidance is one of the most genuinely evil characters in taz if I'm honest, and boy am I glad she's dead.

[ablednt]

Okay but I hate how you don't get a manual when you develop a mental illness the amount of years I spent acting out and publicly humiliating myself and generally being terrible to be around because I had approximately 2.5 billion undiagnosed disorders and no one was knowledgeable enough to think oh this is OCD and PTSD and DID and autism/adhd so instead I just didn't form any worthy lasting relationships until I started self diagnosing with shit and unpacking my issues age 17 like that's so frustrating

Like when I look back on my childhood and all the failed friendships I've had, yeah there's a few cases where the other person was clearly in the wrong but the majority of the time if one or both of us had actually been sat down and told about our mental illness symptoms and given advice on how to co-exist I think we either would still be friends today or would realize without all this drama that we never wanted to be friends in the first place.

Like idk it took me until recently to stumble onto any kind of emotional stability or to even consider how relationships when one or both of you is mentally ill take extra work and that sometimes coexisting even with people you love very much doesn't come easily. I just wish someone could have told me all of that when I was a child or a teen.