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genshinluvr · 1 year ago

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Final Moments

Pairings: Various Honkai Star Rail Men x Isekai'd!Reader

Summary: You're somewhere alone, bleeding, and on the verge of death. Everyone is scrambling to reach out to you, but you're not picking up your phone, and no one knows where you are. Not even Nanook knows your whereabouts. You didn't think you could die in a universe you didn't belong to, but you were wrong. At least you were able to hear their voices in your final moments, right?

Note: I haven't written angst in so long. This is probably not the best angst I've written. This is an answer to an ask I received not long ago. I'm not sure how I feel about this mini-fic, but I think something sad happening for once is somewhat good for a fanfic one-shot series. To be really honest, it doesn't feel like angst to me. Idk if it's because I wrote it or if it's because it's not sad enough. Who knows. I don't post anywhere else but on Tumblr (Genshinluvr) and on AO3 (Aaliah_exo).

Warnings: Major character death, blood, probably my worst angst

Word Count: 3.9k

Your connection with Nanook has been severed. Whenever you sleep, you and Nanook communicate while you’re asleep. When you’re unconscious due to being knocked out by a flying prosthetic arm, Nanook is there— while you’re physically unconscious. You and Nanook have always been connected through body and mind since your arrival to their— Nanook, your Astral Express, Stellaron Hunter, Xianzhou Luofu, and Jarilo-VI companions— universe. However, this is the first time you realize you and Nanook are no longer connected to each other.

In the state of unconsciousness, you’re in the void. Only this void is different from the one where Nanook is covering the sun and sky. This abyss you’re in is pitch black, and you’re the only living being in the endless darkness. There’s no sky, no sun, no stars to light a path along the way in the void. At first, you’re uncertain whether you’re physically in this void or if you’re just unconscious.

That is until you hear ringing in your ears, and light starts flooding in. You gasp aloud as if you finally made it to the surface after being underwater for more than you can handle. Your lungs hurt, and so does your head. As a matter of fact, now that you have regained consciousness, your entire body aches, and you’re tired. So tired. Your eyelids threaten to shut, but you’re trying your best not to lose consciousness again.

Where are you?

What happened?

You push yourself upward and slump against the wall, choking out a gasp and breathing heavily. Your heart hurts— you didn’t think it was possible for you to feel your heart hurting to the point where you want to cry. Your vision is blurry, and you try to rub your eyes, but you can’t feel your arms. Exhaustion soon overtakes your body, and you fall unconscious.

Meanwhile, on the Astral Express, everyone is crowding around on the Parlor Car, their phones facing upward on the table. Everyone has been trying to call you, only for them to get a voicemail, or the call would fail to go through. The monotonous beep haunts their minds as everyone frantically tries to reach out to you.

“Are you sure the signal is good? Maybe we can’t call them because of the awful signal on the Astral Express,” Caelus comments, chewing on his nails.

March ignores Caelus’ comment. She presses her phone against her ears, listening to the ringing. If the signal was terrible, then how come the phone call was going through for her? The ringing stopped briefly, making March gasp, startling everyone on the Astral Express.

“Hi, this is [Y/N]! Sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now—”

March groans, ending the call. “Never mind. I thought they answered my call, but I was wrong,” March sighs in defeat, sliding her phone on the table.

The lights on the Astral Express flicker, and the door slams open. Nanook steps into the Parlor Car, his gold eyes scanning the Parlor Car, searching for your face. Nanook sighs and stays close to the entrance, running his hands through his hair. Just as Nanook feared: you’re not on the Astral Express either.

Welt furrows his eyebrows at the Aeon of Destruction. “Nanook. Your presence is sudden,” says Welt.

“Where is [Y/N]? Are they not on the Astral Express?” Nanook asks, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Unfortunately, they’re not on the Astral Express. We,” Jing Yuan gestures to him, Blade, Luocha, Luka, Sampo, and Gepard, “were contacted by the Astral Express in hopes that [Y/N] is on the Xianzhou Luofu or Jarilo-VI. To everyone’s disappointment, they are nowhere to be found.”

After hearing Jing Yuan’s explanation, Nanook starts to visibly panic. The Aeon of Destruction paces back and forth, taking deep breaths and muttering something under his breath. Everyone on the Astral Express gazes at Nanook worriedly. This is the first time they see him act this way. Nanook has always had this cool, calm, and collected exterior. Nothing can phase him, and only you can get a reaction out of him.

Sampo raises a finger. “Hold up. Why are you asking us where [Y/N] is? Aren’t you the one who can communicate with [Y/N] inside their dreams?” Sampo asks, crossing his arms over his chest and raising his eyebrows at the Aeon.

“Nanook, have you been able to contact them by any chance? We’ve been hitting countless dead ends, and we’re really worried about them,” Gepard says, looking at Nanook pleadingly.

Nanook sighs and stops pacing. He looks at the people on the Astral Express with a deep frown. While Sampo is correct about him being able to communicate with you through your dreams, the people on the Astral Express, Xianzhou Luofu, and Jarilo-VI aren’t the only ones whose struggling to get into contact with you.

Nanook wasn’t able to contact you through your dreams prior to your disappearance. When Nanook brought you into this universe, Nanook made sure to form this connection with you— this unbreakable bond between you and him. But despite creating this unbreakable bond, it somehow severed, and he can no longer contact you through your dreams and unconscious state.

This bond is supposed to be a way for him to track you anywhere in this universe. No matter how out of reach you are from him. Whether you’re in the Astral Express, on Jarilo-VI, the Xianzhou Luofu, the void, etc., Nanook should be able to feel your presence somewhere throughout the universe. Nanook mutters something, closing his eyes and pulling at the roots of his hair with frustration.

“What’s Nanook saying?” Himeko whispers, not taking her eyes off the anguish Aeon.

Luka whispers, “He’s muttering something about [Y/N] and the bond between them. I can’t hear what Nanook is saying, but those are the things I can pick out.”

Dan Heng stares at his phone intently, staring at your contact picture while listening to the monotonous ring. This is the fourth attempt. The fourth time he’s tried to call you, only for there to be a voicemail or just constant beeping that’s shaking him to his core. You can be anywhere in the universe, and finding your precise location without you telling them where you’re at will be the most challenging thing they deal with.

“Are they still not answering their phone, Dan Heng?” Luocha asks, approaching the black-haired man.

Dan Heng sighs, ending the call when he hears your voicemail through the speakers. “No,” Dan Heng mutters, shaking his head.

Blade stares at the panicking Nanook, frowning deeply. Blade sighs, rubbing his temples with shaky hands. As much as Blade wishes he was mishearing the things Nanook was muttering to himself, the more Blade thinks about it, the more it makes sense. Nanook is the one that brought you into this universe— he should know your exact location no matter what planet and fleet you’re on. Nanook should be able to communicate with you through your dreams or unconscious state, and because Nanook is visibly panicking and stressing out over your whereabouts, Blade concludes that—

“Your connection with [Y/N] has been severed, isn’t it?” Blade asks, breaking the tense silence in the Astral Express and bringing Nanook out of his thoughts.

Nanook clenches his jaws, nodding. “It has been severed, unfortunately. I do not know how it happened, and I’m sure [Y/N] isn’t the one that severed it. There’s no way for them to sever the connection,” Nanook replies.

Everyone stares at Nanook in horror. If Nanook is unable to contact you, then it’s very unlikely they’ll be able to find you sooner. You, [Y/N]. The same person not from their universe, the same precious star everyone holds dear to their hearts— whether as a best friend, little sibling, or a small crush that developed into something bigger— the same star that shines the brightest in the universe. You’re somewhere out there in the universe, exposed to dangers you’re not used to handling. Heck, everyone didn’t plan on letting you be exposed to any hazards that exist in this universe, but now?

“So, you’re saying there’s no way for any of us to contact [Y/N]?” Welt asks, raising his eyebrows at Nanook.

While Welt looks calm on the outside, the man is freaking out internally. How did this happen in the first place? You were supposed to be safe and sound under his watch, but you suddenly disappeared without a trace, and no one was able to reach out to you or track you down. Not even the Aeon of Destruction is able to track you down, and the Aeon has connections with you— well, had a connection with you.

“What are we going to do now, Mr. Yang? Searching for [Y/N] seems impossible at this point,” Caelus says, plopping down on the chair and running his hands through his hair.

Jing Yuan shakes his head. “I’ll have Yanqing lead the Cloud Knights to search throughout the Xianzhou Luofu,” Jing Yuan says, taking his phone from the table and sending rapid texts to his blond retainer.

Gepard nods. “And I will have the Silvermane Guards patrol the Overworld and the Underworld. If they see [Y/N], their duty is to detain [Y/N] until we arrive to get them,” says Gepard as he grabs his phone to message Dunn.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! Detain [Y/N]? As in, keep them in cuffs and behind bars?!” Sampo exclaims, propping his hands on his hips, and looks at Gepard with disbelief.

Gepard, Welt, Nanook, and Dan Heng sigh simultaneously, rubbing their temples and pinching the bridge of their noses after hearing Sampo’s question. March snorts, rolling her eyes. The door to the Parlor Car opens. Pom-Pom waddles into the room, his eyes scanning the Parlor Car for a familiar face other than the ones that are present.

Pom-Pom sighs with disappointment. “I see that none of you have found [Y/N],” Pom-Pom says, crossing his arms over his chest.

Himeko gives Pom-Pom a sympathetic look. “Sorry, Pom-Pom, but we still haven’t found them. They’re not answering our texts or phone calls, and not even Nanook can contact them,” Himeko replies.

Pom-Pom sighs and waddles to the Phonograph, pressing his forehead against the machine. A dark stormy cloud looms over Pom-Pom’s head as he lets out a string of whimpers and sniffles. Everyone on the Astral Express nearly forgot about how close you and Pom-Pom are. The closeness between you two is adorable, and Pom-Pom treats you like his favorite passenger on the Astral Express. Well, you are his favorite passenger. There’s no denying it. Sometimes, when everyone is asleep, you would keep Pom-Pom company and spoil him with his favorite snacks.

Of course, that was before Nanook became a passenger on the Express. Now you would keep Pom-Pom company on the nights you can’t sleep or when Nanook isn’t on the Astral Express due to his duty as the Aeon of Destruction.

“Pom-Pom?” March asks softly.

Pom-Pom turns to face them, his eyes blurred with tears. “How could all of you fail to protect someone that protected me!?” Pom-Pom wails, tears cascading down his cheeks. “What if we never see them again? They could be in danger!”

Everyone looks away, their shoulders slumping. Pom-Pom’s right. They did fail to protect you— this is the second time they failed to protect you, and they wish they could turn back time and prevent it from happening.

“There’s nothing to worry about. We’ll find [Y/N] and bring [Y/N] back to the Astral Express, alright?” Luka says, kneeling in front of Pom-Pom and patting the conductor’s head.

Pom-Pom whimpers. “But what if they’re injured?” Pom-Pom whispers.

“Then I will do everything in my power to heal them,” Luocha answers.

You’re rudely awoken by the sharp pain in your lower abdomen. You gasp and sit up, letting out a strained gasp and whimper. You look down at your body, now realizing the state you’re in. You don’t remember what exactly happened, but the more you look at your surroundings, the more you start piecing things together. You were attacked by the Mara-struck. It happened so fast that you weren’t able to comprehend what happened before it was too late.

And now you’re here, on Cloudford, bleeding out, going in and out of consciousness, with no cell signal to call or text your traveling companions. You can’t even contact Nanook due to the severed connection between you and the Aeon of Destruction. No matter how many times you lose consciousness, Nanook isn’t there— even if you scream his name, bloody murder. You will always be in the void, alone and searching for the Aeon that brought you into his universe.

You sprawl out on the ground, digging your phone from your pockets. Your vision blurs every few minutes, making it hard for you to do your task. You turn your phone on, attempting to call the first person on your contact list. Blade.

You tried to call Blade, but the call didn’t go through. You tried calling every person on your contact list, but the call continues not to go through. You push yourself off the ground, nearly slipping on the pool of blood beneath you. It’s a miracle that you manage to hold on for so long. The question is: how much longer can you hold on? Black dots dotting your vision, you’re extremely tired, your eyelids are threatening to close, and your legs and arms are tingling.

“I can do this, I can do this,” you chanted, limping as far away as you can. “I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay.”

You’re not sure if giving yourself a false sense of hope is going to do any better. Still, it’s better to do that than lay in your puddle of blood, watching the time tick away and your life slipping from your fingers. With each step you take, you feel your strength slipping away. You’re exhausted, and everything hurts. The Mara-struck did not go easy on you until they assumed you were dead.

As much as you wanted to blame yourself for not being careful enough, there’s no one else to blame. Not even yourself. People will blame you for not being careful and watching your surroundings, but is it really your fault? The Mara-struck are ruthless, and they’ll attack anyone and anything that is alive and not Mara-struck like them.

You’re brought out of your thoughts and self-pity when your foot gets caught over the other, sending you to the ground with a loud thump. You let out a screech of pain and remain on the ground as every part of your body is stinging and throbbing with pain. The small cuts on your body reopen as fresh blood oozes from the wounds, spilling to the ground.

“Please, just end my misery,” you whisper, tears rolling down your bloodstained cheeks as you slowly drift in and out of consciousness.

The faint sound of buzzing coming from your phone wakes you up. You gingerly turn your head to see the screen of your phone lighting up and vibrating. You reach for your phone and roll over on your side to see Blade calling you. You swipe to the green button and hear a faint scream and frantic voices coming from the other end of the call.

“Blade?” You croak, wincing when you feel how dry your throat feels.

Blade sighs in relief on the other side of the call. “Thank the Aeons, you’re okay. Where are you? Are you safe?” Blade asks.

You chuckle bitterly, close your eyes and continue to lie on the ground. At least you’ll be able to hear their voices one last time, right? It’s better to listen to their voice before…. Someone calls your name, grabbing your attention.

“Huh? Sorry, I didn’t catch onto what you were saying,” you mumble, squeezing your eyes shut and fighting back a whimper that’s crawling up your throat.

“[Y/N], please tell us where you are. We’re very worried about you,” Dan Heng says.

You sniffle. The pain is beginning to feel unbearable. Everything hurts so much, and you want someone or something to end your pain and suffering already. You shouldn’t have played dead when the Mara-struck attacked you for who knows how long. You should’ve let them end you right then and there so you wouldn’t have to continue to suffer like how you are right now.

“[Y/N]? Are you still with us?” Caelus asks, his voice crackling through the speakers.

Fuck. Is the connection starting to act up?

“Yeah, yeah. I’m still here,” you reply, black dots dotting your vision. Is it normal to see a small burst of stars in your eyes each time you blink? “Sorry, I’m not feeling well right now.”

The other end of the call falls silent after hearing your response. As of now, Jing Yuan and Gepard haven’t received any reports from the Silvermane Guards and Cloud Knights about finding you.

The General of the Xianzhou Luofu and the Captain of the Silvermane Gaurds text their trusted companions regarding the search, only for Dunn and Yanqing to reply that they have yet to find out despite the number of Cloud Knights and Silvermane Guards scrambling to find you.

Mr. Yang walks over to Blade and takes the phone from his hands. “Sweetheart, can you look at your surroundings and tell us where you are? Even if you don’t know the precise location, do you know whether you’re on the Xianzhou Luofu or Jarilo-VI?” Mr. Yang asks.

“I’m on, uh, the Xianzhou Luofu. The Mara-struck…” you trail off, closing your eyes. Your hands are shaking— you don’t think you can hold your phone up any longer. Your arms feel awfully weak, and your phone feels heavy.

Jing Yuan’s voice crackles over the speakers. “What happened with the Mara-struck?”

Jing Yuan sounds frantic.

You shrug, completely forgetting that the others can’t see you. “They attacked me out of nowhere. They left me for dead, and there’s blood. So much blood,” you whisper, cracking your eyes open and looking at your surrounding.

“[Y/N], can you turn on the video call so we can see where you are?” Gepard asks, his voice crackling in the speakers.

You sigh, gritting your teeth as you turn on the video call. Your face appears on the screen— if you weren’t bleeding out and losing consciousness every few minutes, you would be gasping in horror at the sight of your reflection. Dear Aeons, you look horrendous. You blindly show your surroundings for the men to see where you’re at, but you don’t think you’re doing it correctly. Your arm soon grew tired, and your arms collapsed beside you.

“I’m really sleepy, guys,” you whisper, swallowing the lump in your throat. You nearly gagged when you tasted a mouthful of blood. You don’t know how much more you can hold on until they find you.

“Does anyone recognize that area? We’re not from the Xianzhou Luofu— nothing looks familiar for us,” Sampo mutters, gazing at the others worriedly.

Luocha steps forward and takes Blade’s phone from Mr. Yang’s grasp. “I know this is going to be complicated for you, but do not fall asleep, alright? Keep your eyes open and try to stop the bleeding. We’ll be right there soon,” Luocha instructs.

The men hear and see nothing coming from Blade’s phone. The camera is pointed to the sky of the Xianzhou Luofu— they see the color of your hair peeking in the corner. You rub your eyes and press your hands against the deep gash on your abdomen. You lift your head to see various cuts on your body. All are bleeding.

You whisper, “Which ones do I cover? There’s too many,” you mumble, gazing at the gashes with bleary eyes.

You let your head fall back on the ground, attempting to cover up as many as you can. How much longer are you going to hold on? You can hear a commotion coming through Blade’s phone as you lie on the ground, your phone lying beside your head. You didn’t think you could die in a universe you didn’t belong to.

“Stay on the phone with us, alright? We’ll be there soon, we promise,” you hear Blade say through the phone.

You can’t tell if Blade is panicking or not. He sounds so far away, no matter how close your phone is to your ears. How could this have happened anyway? It was all your fault, wasn’t it? Were you reckless like last time? No, no. Last time, the Astral Express was under attack. But this time, you left the Astral Express and ended up getting attacked by the Mara-struck. And now look at you, bleeding out on the Xianzhou Luofu while trying to stay conscious.

“You’re not mad at me, are you?” You whisper, staring at the clear blue sky above you.

Luka grunts. “We’re not mad at you, [Y/N]. We’re very worried about you,” Luka replies.

Luka is trying his best to remain calm, but his heart is racing against his chest to the point he fears it might burst.

You close your eyes, feeling nausea hitting you. “Is Nanook mad at me?” you ask weakly.

Dan Heng looks at Nanook from the corner of his eyes as they run through Cloudford, searching for you. It’s just them racing against the clock to get to where you are— racing against the clock to save you. But will they make it on time before you lose consciousness?

Dan Heng shakes his head. “I’m sure he’s not mad at you, [Y/N]. Why do you think that?”

You crack a smile. “I… Nanook and I aren’t connected with each other anymore. Did I do something wrong for him to sever that tie between us?” You whisper, tears blurring your vision. “If I did something to upset him, please let him know that I’m sorry for whatever it is that I have done to upset him.”

Nanook snatches the phone and gazes into the camera, his gold eyes searching for your face. “I’m not mad at you, little one. However, if you lose consciousness, I will be upset with you,” Nanook states.

You laugh weakly, tears rolling down the side of your face. “I’m sorry, everyone. I’m sorry for not being strong enough,” you whisper.

Just when you lose consciousness, you feel someone cradle you in their arms. Your vision slowly turns black as the voices around you fade away— almost sounding like you’re underwater, sinking deeper into the depths.

“No, no, no, no! Please don’t leave me,” Nanook whispers, pressing you against his chest.

Your head lolls back, laying limp in his arms as blood continues to pour out of your wounds. Luocha kneels before you and Nanook, frantically trying to heal the cuts and deep gashes on your body. Sampo, March, and Himeko look nauseous at the sight of the pool of blood below you and Nanook.

March looked away, closing her eyes as a stray tear made its way down her cheeks. “Please tell me [Y/N]’s going to be okay, please,” March pleads.

Nanook presses his index and middle finger against the side of your neck, frantically searching for a pulse. Nanook buries his face into your neck, his body wracking with sobs as he holds onto you tighter. You can’t be gone. Please, please, please, please. Luocha’s hands fall to his side, and he looks away.

“Well?” Dan Heng demands, his chest rising and falling with heavy breaths.

Luocha shakes his head, tears rolling down his flushed cheeks. Luocha grabs your cold hand and presses a kiss on your knuckles. Maybe in another lifetime, you will meet them again. But for now, stars don’t live on forever.

Note: Just because this is angst with death doesn't mean it impacts the overall HSR isekai series. This is a mini-fic, and to make it up to all of you, I will make a Nanook smut for this upcoming week! Yes, smut is finally here! Nanook got the majority of votes. Therefore Nanook is the first HSR male character to be getting smut! As I have stated in my Genshin Isekai fics, the fics in the series are like my multi-verse. Anything can happen in these fics, but it will not significantly impact the overall series. So, even if something traumatic happened to the reader in one fic, the next fic, it never happened to the reader. Some things will impact the story, but others won't be mentioned in other fics. For those who want to be on the taglist, here is the [Google Form]. For those who want to join the Discord server but weren't able to, here is the new temporary link to [Zhongli's Abode]! Please make sure to read the server rules— you can lurk, chat and hang out on the server if you'd like! If you don't vibe with the server, you can leave whenever you want ^^ To my new and/or returning readers, please keep in mind that I ONLY post on my Tumblr (Genshinluvr) and my AO3 (Aaliah_exo)! Nowhere else except Tumblr and AO3!

Taglist for the HSR one-shot series: @mompt2, @elegantnightblaze, @lunavixia, @jadedist, @reversearrowhead, @pinksaiyans, @aurelia-xyt, @lilliansstuff, @ssunset0, @starrry-angel, @kaoyamamegami, @kodzuvk, @for3very0urs, @a-cosmicdawn, @g3n0dtt, @theblades, @raaawwwr, @immahuman, @irisxiel, @siaracarroll, @crazydreamcat, @sagekun, @orichalcumthief, @dyingsweetmackerel, @rosiesareblue, @ichikanu, @hispasian-otaku, @asoulsreverie (Accounts that I was unable to tag are not tagged in this fic. Those who do not want to be tagged in a specific fic are not tagged. Remember to check your settings to see if you're allowing people to mention you/tag you in posts or not)

Read more of my works on my Masterlist / Masterlist 2 | Maybe support me by tipping me on Ko-Fi or by reblogging my fanfics! ^^ I will also be posting exclusive fanfics on Ko-Fi as well very soon! I might post all of my stories on there too, but who knows. You can also tip me on Tumblr if you'd like as a way to show support! ^^

#Honkai Star Rail x reader #Honkai Star Rail imagine #Honkai Star rail fanfiction #Honkai Star Rail fanfic #HSR x reader #HSR imagine #HSR fanfiction #HSR fanfic #Dan Heng x reader #Gepard Landau x reader #Sampo Koski x reader #Welt Yang x reader #Blade x reader #Jing Yuan x reader #Luocha x reader #Caelus x reader #Nanook x reader #Luka x reader #genshinluvr

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imsorrythatimweird101-blog · 7 months ago

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**Using gateway tapes for void state*

Many people (especially Tumblr, I see y'all) are really interested in the void state. Me too honestly but here's the information that I got about the void state through the gateway tapes.

**By One-lawfulness**

“Glad to see others here who also use the gateway tapes. I'm starting to believe we'll 1 you can shift with them but more so F15 is essentially the void state. It seems they are described the same way.”

“ body asleep/ mind awake is indeed F10. However the void state from what I read is when your pure awareness. You don't feel the body, you can't see, hear, touch, etc. There is no body at all your simply awareness. There's a post I believe in one of the shifting groups where someone linked and reposted a Twitter post where someone went into detail on what is and isn't the void state. All I know is the void state while it shouldn't be hard to reach isn't as simple as some think. But it makes sense since it seems shifting, manifesting, etc is all instant from it.

This should link to the post

https://www.reddit.com/r/shiftingrealities/comments/18swmdp/definitive_guide_to_the_void_state/?share_id=1dj52vByrbmI3Q7rNmULO&utm_content=2&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_source=share&utm_term=

Well they say the focus levels are different for everyone but there are some general guidelines to it. Some where someone linked a page with a brief description of each focus level and when you read F15 I think or maybe 12 it's described as a void.

But if your looking for manifesting it seems some say you can do that in F10, 12, and 15 but I assume it's easier the higher you go.

(It's F15)

If I find the page with the focus level description I'll link it also

Found it

https://www.monroeinstituteuk.org/focus-levels/

Personal experience

what's recommended is once you get there the first thing is to manifest being able to enter it easily. Then from there do as you wish. That could work. I assume using it along with LOA is a great combo to help get into the void state the first time. When I was first trying the void state before using the gateway tapes I was in F10 essentially and couldn't fully go into it.

I stayed with F10 for a while but realized I was holding myself back because F10 wasn't hard to enter and I was saying I needed to master it first.

**By Beautiful_V**

F10 is SATS. SATS is the mind awake body asleep, you repeat a scene to mnaifest but that isn’t SATS it’s the state you do that hence state akin to sleep. You can manifest all the time using it! Instead of affirmations (lullaby method) I visualize until I fall asleep in this state. The trick is you can’t be too tired or too awake. Or even better just do it during a nap never takes me more than 3 days.

**Beautiful_v manifesting method**

“My routine”

-Do Wim Hof breathing technique

-Have theta waves immediately playing afterwards

-Count to whatever gets me to floaty feeling at first it was 500, now it’s 200/300 when you lose count just go back to the nearest 100th so you don’t fall asleep

-when I get the floaty feeling it means I’m about to fall asleep so affirm or visualize desired results.

-fall asleep in the wish fulfilled there will be no time for you to doubt because you’ll be too tired

-do this for 3-5 days it works in less depends on your beliefs but I always say 3 days because that’s what I read from Neville so I adopted that mindset !

**Big_suggestion9**

“Yes F10 is considered the void state”

Background: he has his own YouTube channel and is currently on wave 3 tape 6! He's personally like a mentor to me because I ask him about stuff. This is what he personally told me.

He's experience

https://youtube.com/@TheGatewayExperience?feature=shared

**My opinion**

Everyone is right in this discussion. Gateway tapes are based on personal experience. **No matter what, you need enter F10 for anything. Shifting, astral projection, void state. F10 void state or not. To achieve anything you need to achieve F10!**

**What do you recommend?**

You want to go into a void state? Then finish gateway tapes for F10 (gateway 1). Then do F12, after MASTERING everything. Go to manifest tape and affirm that you can go to void state instantly or whatever affirmation you want. Simple as that

**PLEASE READ**

(All credit to them, I did remove some digits from the username. Please do not contact them! I don't want to have a bunch of people flooding their Dms. If you have questions about it. Ask me and I will message them personally if it's that's okay. THANK YOU!)

#reality shifting #void state #void #shifting blog #manefesting #law of assumption #law of manifestation #gatewaytapes

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alexandraisyes · 3 months ago

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Hi ! I'm curious about this, when you report someone, does the Tumblr team tell you specifically who your harassers are or do they just send you the IP of that person so you can block them? I'm learning about how the security in networks work!

If you block someone on anon that blocks their IP address completely. They can't send you asks. Well, technically they can, but it's gets lost in the void and you'll never see them.

If you report it then Tumblr will go through and look at the case and see what's going on. A bad enough or a mass reporting of spam/harassment can get their IP Banned from Tumblr. Tumblr personally won't tell you the IP, or the blog, but the person on the other side of the screen will no longer be able to make an account with their IP address. And their entire account will get nuked.

So don't be stupid because if you get reported for being a dumb little bastard you will lose everything.

#this is as far as I understand it at least #alex answers #answered ask #thanks for the ask!#tumblr stuff

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kimerawrt · 1 year ago

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DP x DC: Reincarnation

(this idea keeps bothering me so I'm launching it into the void of tumblr)

Danny is the ghost king, has been for a hundred or so years, and had been working non stop to fix the mess pariah dark made. He did but he keeps working almost like an obsession (its not thankfully)

Cause working with no pause is not healthy even if one is dead, CW and other ancients decide to give their king a forced reincarnation vacation. Their king gets a rest of his duties by living a human life while they manage the zone, cause a human life is nothing to ghosts that have existed for millennia, they can wait for their king to return.

The high king of the ghost zone is born again with a new name. His name is Bruce Wayne.

(more under the cut)

Bruce is a happy child, and a very smart one. He understand machines in some strange way and is incredible good with physics (specially astrophysics). His parents are aware of how smart he is and encourage him to learn more things, Bruce learns a lot of how to manage a business from his dad and his mom teaches his about lots of things but mostly on how to think logically and deduct the truth

For some strange reason animals seem to like him, specially cats, dogs, crows and bats. When Bruce falls into the well he is scared by the bats but calms down enough to know the bats are also scared

Bruce is a happy child, until his parents are murdered in front of him.

Bruce feels like something in him breaks at that. his emotions are so painful that its almost physical. Alfred is the only one he has left and he becomes very protective of his butler

Bruce grows up with grief in his heart. He graduates high school with the biggest honors and goes to college. He tries engineering and leaves it. He tries medicine and leaves it too. He cant move past his parents murder and he cant unseen how his beloved city seems to get worse and worse.

Bruce decides to do something to fix all of that. He now has a mission. He drops out of college, makes a well thought plan and leaves to train leaving a letter behind to Alfred cause he knows if he sees the butler he wouldnt be able to leave. He needs the training.

For a year, Bruce looks for the best experts in a lot of fighting styles, offensive and defensive, things happen and he stars training with the League of Assassins. Bruce is good and learns fast but there is something in there that makes him extremely wary and make him work very hard to not get hurt

The Lazarus Pit

Those glowing green boiling waters gave him a bad feeling. Sometimes Bruce could swear the were whispering at him, calling to him to let them give him something he ought to have. Bruce was smart and knew that would be nothing good and he didnt ask the others if they too could hear the weird waters. He was sure Ra's would kill him for it. The guy was obsessed with the thing.

Unfortunately for him, in the final test to be an assassin, Bruce got hurt enough to need to be put in the waters to not die. Ra's saw potential in him and he was not going to lose someone that good in fighting.

In the waters, Bruce was being healed but something else was going on. The Lazarus Pit was made of a mix of ectoplasm, purified waters from long lost oceans and death magic. That combination made the waters heal all organic organisms in exchange for something, for sentient beings was their sanity and for non sentients was their will

Its a good thing that the ectoplasm in it recognized their king soul and the death magic was not able to take, but it could give as well.

That day Bruce Wayne remembered his last life and knew what awaited him after he died. That night, Bruce escapes from the League and returns to Gotham.

Once home, Bruce pass some time with Alfred telling little things about his travels. Alfred gives him a look that told Bruce that the butler knew he was not telling him everything. It doesnt takes long for Bruce to tell Alfred everything, the hidden parts of his travels, the League and his memories from a previous life. He could never hide things from Alfred for long.

Alfred believes him and declares that Bruce is his guard no matter what he had been or done. Bruce is happy to have Alfred with him.

Bruce had not forgotten his mission to fix Gotham and after searching for a place to train and build things he finds the Cave under his house. For some reason it feels nostalgic, as if one could build a portal to the realm of the dead in there. Of course Bruce has no plan of doing that.

While building his gadgets to fight crime in Gotham, Bruce also builds something he saw the Fentons do before the portal. It was a machine to gather ectoplasm in a passive way. He had a suspicion that the city was not only contaminated by smog but there was also something supernatural in it.

When the first drops of glowing green ectoplasm filled the vial he had left under the machine Bruce knew he was right. As it only took some days to gather it, it was clear that there was an unusual high concentration of ecto in the city. It would be too easy to open a portal in here.

Bruce then used the gathered ecto to power up his supercomputer and many more tools. He was also working on making a car powered up with it. Of course he was not going to let the bright glowing green be seen in whatever he is making.

Alfred had a slight suspicion that besides being the ghost king, his guard might be also a mad scientist

Bruce might have also kinda tamed the colony of bats living in the cave. Making sure all of them were healthy and vaccinated was a nightmare he was not willing to repeat.

Because of working with ectoplasm, Batman always gives an uncanny feeling to the criminals and makes most of them give up in fear. Batman becomes a cryptid very soon, though the police still tries to arrest him, Bruce gets a odd nostalgic feeling at being chased with guns shooting at him

it only takes a year after Batman is out fighting crime for a ghost to show up. Luckily that ghost is just Cujo. Now Bruce has a very good guard dog to protect his house and Alfred

Thanks to Cujo Bruce discovers the city has an spirit and its kinda cursed. Its too bad he had no knowledge of what kind of magic is affecting the city. And because his current human body is not magical he can do little to help. Having Cujo chase away maligns shades seems to help some.

When the rogues appear they remind Bruce of the ghosts he fought when he was a half ghost. Though, he knows they are alive and can change for the better unlike the dead that are stuck and need something too drastic to change. Although Arkham is so corrupt that Bruce has to fight another type of fight to fix that, one that unfortunately he cant punch away

When Bruce sees how the child in the circus is left alone after witnessing his parents death, or course he would want to help. He didnt expect that Robin would join him in his night job

Then another child tries to steal his wheels and ends up adopting him, he also didnt expect the new Robin and by know he would seen the pattern

When Jason is killed by the Joker, Bruce is devastated and seeks vengeance. Batman cant kill, thats a rule he imposed to his vigilante persona. But he didnt need to be Batman to get revenge and the teachings of the League of Assassins come in handy. He knew that if he killed the Joker his soul would belong to him and he would get a better revenge when he becomes the ghost king once more.

An unknown assassin kills the Joker

Twice

There is something strange in Gotham. Something that makes the Joker come back to life a little bit more unhinged every time. Something that made Jason Todd crawl out of his grave some months after burying him

Time passes, Bruce gets more children and gets in more fights. Then Jason comes back to Gotham filled with the Pit madness. But when he tries to confront Batman, the Pit calms down in the presence of its king.

Jason is happy to not having to fight the Pit all the time, he still becomes the crime lord/anti-hero Red Hood, though his relationship with his dad is not bad after they had a talk, mostly of Bruce killing the Joker more than once already (they probably go to kill the Joker again as a bonding activity or something)

-There would be other shenanigans in between all this like:

+the kids discovering you can bring food back to like with ectoplasm and making a mess in the kitchen, everyone but Jason gets a life ban from Alfred domain

+the other heroes of the League thinking Batman has a meta power to make him appear intimidating, tho it wouldnt explain where he gets the strange technology or why some could swear a green see through puppy follows the dark night even in the watchtower

+Batman and Deadman make a strange friendship in the eyes of the other, Deadman knows the bat has the soul of his king but as he is not king now its fine to be casual, the ghost adores Cujo and pets it all the time

#danny phantom #dp x dc #fic i will prob not write #danny is batman #danny is bruce wayne #reincarnation #he gets his memories back causing canon to differ #batman is detective and mad scientist #dp au

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the-s1lly-corner · 1 year ago

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Hey it me again. Let’s try this for round two of my request for the tadc cast ( plus Caine) helping a reader with crutches at the breakfast table after they accidentally left them for the new i.h.a.

TADC cast x reader who uses crutches!

Side note I'm on mobile still for tumblr and my asks are getting weirder; the asks look fine in the inbox but when I go to answer them it like. Makes it on long thing, single worded lines. it's annoying and I dont like it!! It happened with the last request too grrrgrr

CAINE:

It takes him a while because it's not uncommon for circus members to skip out on IHAs, I mean zooble openly says they dont want to do them! But when he decides to go make sure you're not doing anything you're not supposed to (cough cough going into the void/j) he stumbles upon you

You can practically see the gears running in his head before he realizes the issue

Immediately zooms to your side and makes a show of apologies while helping you up

Shit he might even be frantic enough to scoop you up

Honestly I feel like Caine would feel so so bad and he would try to make it up to you

POMNI:

Feels very bad when she realizes you're not around; shes still trying to get hard to the digital world so shes still learning everyone and their whole deals

You know how some characters run with their hands out in front of them. In like a weird scurry. I think pomni would lowkey run like that when she tries to search every corner of the circus for you. Shed already check your room and a bunch of the halls before she even thinks about the main area

Letting out a stream of apologies as she gives you a hand, trying to let you know that she didnt do this to be malicious or hurtful

I think it would take a while longer for pomni to really, really, embed your needs into her schedule since shes juggling so much between coming to terms with being trapped and finding an exit, but she does promise to do better (and she does, eventually!)

RAGATHA:

It's rare that ragatha would just up and forget something like you needing crutches to really be able to move around; even rarer for ragatha to forget you as a whole for a brief moment

No I think the only way this scenario would work is if caine suddenly sprang up the days adventure out of no where as soon as the last person was done eating; and he decides to make it a really high energy chaotic one that takes everyone off guard

It's not long until she remembers you were left behind, though, shes probably one of the few who would take probably at most 10 or so minutes to go and get you.. jax is the second, oddly enough

That said she's apologizing and fretting over you before filling you in on everything you missed

Very sweet very nice, she wont let it happen again

JAX:

I like to think that jax does the "really fast run that he did leaving kaufmos room" a few times, especially when hes struck with a brilliant idea for a prank. So there definitely has been at least a couple instances where he left you behind. It's not so much that hes doing it out of malice, but its like. Those huge motivation spikes that prompt you to work ASAP, you know?

"Heh did you see that, reader?" After the prank he planted in an IHA goes off, turning around to find you're not here

Puts two and two together and runs off to where you were before and pulls you up

Lazy apology, I think, I mean I think jax is the type of person to struggle with apologizing but thats just me

KINGER:

Genuinely forgets because I mean... kinger has multiple instances of forgetting/not noticing gangle is right next to him in the pilot.. so do I really need to explain that kinger simply forgets? Obviously hes not doing it to be mean, assuming kinger truly is losing his marbles

I think it would require someone else outwardly asking where you are before he suddenly swivels in every direction trying to find you

Similar to pomni he runs around trying to find you before finding you by chance

Rather than immediately apologizing and helping you he runs over to you and expresses that he was scared SKMETHING had happened to you and how relieved he is to find that ultimately, you're okay

Then the streams of apologies start

Though I think this is a rare occurrence, because hes always trying to keep you in his line of sight; to align it with my other kinger hcs.. hmm.. perhaps this could happen in one of his worse days

ZOOBLE:

Zooble likely skips IHAs, so it would admittedly take them a while to find you. I mean if they're not at the IHA then they cant notice you're missing. I think they would find you when they decide to leave their room to wander the grounds, far from the chaos and

Oh!

You're kinda just, there. It looks like you had fallen over, your crutches far out of reach; perhaps you had tried to leave yourself after being stranded for a while

Zooble feels.. bad.. but they're flat in terms of expressing their emotions outside of annoyance and fear/surprise, so it kind of comes off as a

"Oh shit man my bad" reaction as they quickly try to get you your crutches and help you up

Takes you to their room after the fact, apologizing for bolting off so fast after breakfast

GANGLE:

Doesnt take long for her to realize you're not here, too, shes probably behind jax in regards of how fast shes going to retrieve you. Letting out these short squeaked apologies while helping you up; probably struggles doing so because shes made of ribbon and likely isnt that sturdy (I'm sorry that was mean)

Honestly you two probably skip out in the remainder of the IHA, gangle feels too horrible to go out and continue it snd you're tired, you know?

Two mirmir

#tadc x reader #the amazing digital circus x reader #digital circus x reader #caine x reader #pomni x reader #ragatha x reader #jax x reader #kinger x reader #zooble x reader #gangle x reader

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imtoolazytoo · 7 months ago

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So I finished Malevolent episode 12! And I got thoughts!

Spoilers under the little photo cause I… still can’t figure out how to make read more/keep reading links on tumblr mobile :,)

(Heheh I doodled them last night)

Jaune… John… God dammit

I had a feeling John might be The King In Yellow, but I didn’t wanna believe it! But he has humanity now. And… He doesn’t want to kill Arthur. He care him. I don’t care if it’s not canon I say homosexual activities are at play.

Arthur is really doing the Jonathan Sims speedrun any percent. (TMA S1 spoilers here!) I don’t know what’s worse: Being buried into by thousands of tiny worms or having a giant larvae (???) cling onto your stomach and suck the blood out of it! Either way: EEEEWWW

HE CARE HIM

The sounds of Arthur’s happiness and lil chuckles are giving me life

Happiness is stored in the Orthor

The implication that The King can’t fully take over Arthur’s mind not just because of John’s humanity, but because of the memory that Arthur has of his daughter… do not talk to me for 3 to 5 business days

WHAT HAPPENED TO HER, MAN?!?

Love how not listening to John about the lamp immediately screwed Arthur over. Listen to your husband more often, Arthur. Kiss his hand maybe why don’t you do that huh I’d say that’s a good apology oh my god I love them

My screams at Arthur have gone from screams of pure frustration to screams of pure frustration AND concern! Character growth!!! Good for you Arthur!

Oh yeah Kellin’s here. Hi Kellin :D

Fuck I hope I can finish writing this before I get to the bus stop

The dreamlands! WHOOHOO! But also! Oh no!

I didn’t think we’d get answers for what bound John and Arthur in the first season, but I’m not complaining!

…I’m sorry to give some of you older fans a heart attack… But in terms of homestuck classpecting I think John would be a Prince of Void. I’m so sorry.

JOHN. CARE. HIM!

So. That’s most of my thoughts. I LOOOOOVED THIS PODCAST!!! I never thought I’d be able to find anything that recreated what TMA meant to me, and while I still think that… DAMN, THIS IS CLOSE!!! And it’s its own little experience to seperate the two and make this so amazing and RAH RAH RAH I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU MALEVOLENT HARLAN GUTHRIE I APPLAUD YOU!!!

But I do have one big thought in my head. I’m assuming the goal of season 2 will be to kill or just defeat The King In Yellow in order to keep Arthur’s body safe and escape the Dreamlands. But here’s the thing. If John is a part of The King’s soul… wouldn’t killing The King kill John as well? What if we get given the choice of killing The King or sparing him to save John, and Arthur chooses mercy? Because as much as he wants his body back, he doesn’t want to lose John??? I WOULD SCREAM!

And I swear to The King himself if I get reblogs like “You sweet Summer child” “No one tell her” “Oh you poor soul” like I did on my Faroe post I will throw kitchen appliances out of windows

That’s not a metaphor I just think breaking wooden spoons would do the least financial damage to me

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goatlingsvent · 2 months ago

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Hey, Demi here. I've known about this place for a little thanks to a different user and have avoided touching this place, but since I've been banned, I don't care anymore.

I don't know why or how, but I was banned for having an alt. which I don't have nor never had. I literally got up for a few minutes to look for my earbuds, only to come back to me banned. Considering staff has refused to answer my friends requests for them to email me or answer my emails asking for proof about this supposed "alt account", I'm afraid I'll never get my goats back.

So, at this point, I'm assuming this is a misunderstanding, or I've been framed. So congrats! Billions of ss worth of items are now gone to the void. Better make my lost DOTD count 21 because staff won't even fucking talk to me.

I haven't even been playing that much as of late, not as much as I used to. I was excited to have my IRL friends be able to join MM, but I guess they're doing it without me! And the prize goat for the giveaway? Say goodbye to them and all the retired shit they had because I was trying to help someone else get back into their account so they could donate. Oops, it looks like no one gets any of it!

Perhaps this is good for me. Even though I had refrained from spending money on Goatlings (I did the math and spent well over $4,000 in this goat forsaken site alone), this is now one less avenue for me to relapsePlaying, even if it may sound stupid, literally had negative physical repercussions on my heart and the way my brain makes adrenaline. I can't be excited for shit now without the adrenaline causing severe anxiety instead. So maybe this is good. I already regretted spending the money and regret it even more now!

To the people who hated me because I was annoying or some shit, you could have just, you know, talked to me about it? I'm not a mind reader, I'm a guy with autism and a potential learning disability, learn to fucking communicate with people omg... Alot of your petty beef would be less abundant if you nicely talked it over with people. Why haven't I done that? Because I never felt like a personal problem with anyone! I didn't let little things take over my mind like a brain fungus that makes you stupid.

I may never get my account back. And hopefully, the anxiety and stress of it all will soon subside. Goatlings is becoming more of a hell hole, and I suggest you all quit before you lose it all, or it consumes you. You all sound so miserable... I wish I could help, but I already got my hands full with 3 little brothers and my mentally ill self. If I could buy the site from Kris, I would, and as much as some of you hate me, at least I would listen to your concerns about the site itself.

This may be long as hell, but I care or at least cared for the Goatlings community. Even to those who hate me. If I can't work this out with staff, I'll be here on Tumblr and on Flight Rising. You're lucky I didn't get my hands on the Sweet Nightmares I was gonna get from a buddy soon.

Quit while you still have control. This site isn't worth your well-being.

To long don't care: Demi got banned for having an alt he never made, and staff (so far) won't answer his stupid ass emails. Billions of ss lost.

Live life, love yourself, fuck cops 🥳🎉

🌐

#demigodandroid #goatlingsvent

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2nd2ndalto · 1 year ago

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You Can Lose Sight of It All

Nico turns his face into Will's shoulder. "I don't want you to come," he wants to say. But even as the words form in his mouth, he realizes they're not true.

“I want you to come. And I hate that I want you to come,” he whispers.

___

Nico has a bit of a crisis about Will coming along to Tartarus, pre-TSATS. Re-posting here because I don't think I shared to Tumblr when I wrote this.

____

Will walks Nico back to his cabin that night the same as always, leaning in to kiss him at the foot of the stairs.

“Did you want me to… I can stay, if you want?” Will asks shyly.

They've been doing this more often than not lately, the two of them curled together in Nico’s bed, slowly falling into sleep together, waking hand in hand, or with Nico’s head pillowed on Will’s chest. Warm. Safe. And it’s good. It’s the best Nico can ever remember sleeping, but…

“Um. Maybe not tonight. I’m really tired,” Nico says, trying to keep his voice as gentle as possible, not wanting the other boy to feel rejected. He's painfully aware that he’s given a similar excuse several times this week.

He’s never been quite so close to someone else or someone else’s feelings before, never had to weigh his actions so carefully, worry about their impact. But that’s good, too. He feels close, connected. Cared for.

Will smiles. “Okay.”

Will’s just as careful, Nico knows, trying not to make Nico feel bad for needing a little space now and then. Trying not to push too hard. Will squeezes Nico’s hand. He leans back in to press his lips to Nico’s forehead. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Nico watches the other boy until he arrives at the Apollo cabin. Will turns and waves before closing the door behind him.

Nico enters his own cabin, toeing off his shoes and dropping to his bed immediately. He is tired. But in the sudden absence of Will’s sunny energy, the other feelings seep in too, washing over him like a wave now that he’s alone. He feels guilty. Heavy. Will’s words to Apollo keep coming back, even louder in this quiet space.

We’ll go together.

And it felt good hearing them. He loves that Will wants to be with him, marvels at the way Will automatically assumes each of Nico’s battles belongs to the two of them now. He craves Will’s company and his energy and his warmth. But how can he, in good conscience, let Will come with him? Or more importantly, how is he going to convince him not to?

Nico gazes into the darkness of his cabin. He thinks of Will, strong and sunny and whole. Who could blame Nico for wanting him to stay that way?

He thinks of himself: sharp edges, broken, cobbled together. He feels more whole now than he has in years, but it seems precarious, especially lately. As if he could crumble to pieces at any moment, maybe even worse than before, now that he’s begun to let his guard down.

It’s been three nights now since Will’s slept over. And Nico doesn’t want the distance, doesn’t want to wake up alone and uncuddled… he doesn’t really want those things ever again, if he’s being completely honest. But it feels more and more dangerous lately, allowing himself Will’s comfort. Will’s become his anchor, his rock. But shouldn’t he be able to manage on his own?

The memories of his mother, Bianca... Jason. Everyone he’s lost, everything he might have done to keep from losing them, every way it might be his fault… it’s all come back with a vengeance the last few weeks, torturing him in dreams and stubbornly lingering throughout the day, dragging him down, sapping his strength. And more recently the dreams are of Will, too. Will, pale and lifeless. Will, ripped away from him, lost in the void.

Nico’s been keeping these nightmares to himself, hoping the memories will fade into the background again, but it's been making him short-tempered and irritable. Fragile. As much as he’s been trying, he thinks he's probably not doing a great job of hiding it.

Twenty minutes later Nico’s still exhausted, but now he’s twitchy and antsy and still so heavy. He pulls his shoes back on, carefully checking for onlookers as he opens his door and walks out into the cool night.

___

The walking keeps the voices away, but hours later, Nico’s beyond exhausted, not to mention cold and mosquito-bitten. He drags himself back to his cabin just as a faint light touches the horizon, hoping that at least in his weariness he’ll be able to keep his sleep to himself.

It works for a while. Will and Kayla arrive to wake him only a few hours later. Nico pretends not to notice their matching looks of concern when he arrives at his cabin door, likely looking more tired than he did when he went to bed last night. He manages to wave them off for the time being, telling them he needs to shower and he’ll meet them at breakfast.

And now, in the daylight, he allows himself to think - maybe it will be okay. Maybe they can do this. He’s been through Tartarus before, after all. He was younger then, and completely unprepared. He’s stronger now, smarter. Will is too. Why couldn’t they do this together? After all, Percy and Annabeth managed it.

But the spark of hope dims too soon. There’s Will across the dining pavilion, looking so bright and alive, the sun catching the gold in his hair, and Nico’s back to square one.

He can’t allow Will to do this. There’s just no way. He’s gotten too comfortable over the last year, allowing others in - especially Will, but so many others at camp too. He suddenly realizes it’s a trap. He feels a painful twist of nausea.

“Hey sunshine,” Will grins, bumping their shoulders together as Nico sits down. Will can’t help the way his gaze darts to Nico’s plate, the way his face falls, just a little. Will quickly pretends he didn’t look, and Nico pretends not to notice.

Normally Nico doesn't mind the gentle chiding to eat more, to take better care of himself. It's helped, honestly. He's managed to get his weight up to a number that Will deems acceptable (he'd informed Nico, with a brilliant, fond smile). Nico has more energy. He finds, to his surprise, that he can recover more quickly when he's tired or injured.

But he's also been a wreck lately, his stomach in knots, and he's snapped at Will twice this week in response to Will teasingly adding more food to his plate. The last year has brought Nico so much further towards being happier, healthier, more settled. Now he feels as if it's slipping away to nothing.

Will drops a reassuring arm around Nico’s shoulders, leaning in for a quick kiss. Nico’s stomach lurches, pleasantly this time. Always, even after months of such kisses and touches. Will tastes like maple syrup and sunshine and he’s so warm where they’re pressed together. Surely they don’t have to talk about Tartarus right now, anyway.

They don’t. There’s a game of capture the flag happening later, and the Apollo kids are deep in discussion about tactics. Nico lets himself be lulled by the familiar voices discussing familiar, smaller problems. He doesn’t contribute much, instead making an attempt to eat some of his meal - as much as Will’s pretending not to pay attention, Nico thinks he might be one of the least stealthy people Nico’s ever met. He'd tease Will about it if he had the energy. Nico leans into the other boy and lets Will’s warmth wash over him. Will pulls him in tighter.

Peace, at least for a moment. ___

Nico’s been perched in the branches of a sturdy oak with Harley for the better part of an hour, and it’s starting to wear on him. They’re supposed to be spying on the other team - quietly - but this kid cannot seem to shut up. Normally Nico can find it in himself to be patient with the younger boy, but today the constant chatter is grating on Nico’s nerves, and that makes him feel like shit too. He just can’t seem to get a handle on his mood.

“Shh,” Nico says suddenly, grabbing Harley’s arm.

There’s a scrambling in the underbrush below and sure enough, several of the other campers are trying to breach their defenses. It’s exactly what Nico’s been waiting for, and he closes his eyes, concentrating on extending his mind into the earth below them, running down the roots of the tree they’re sitting in, deeper, deeper.

It works. Half a dozen skeleton warriors emerge from the ground just as the Demeter and Athena campers emerge from the trees.

It’s over in an instant, and soon Nico and Harley are dropping back to the ground and trading high-fives with the Apollo campers. And for a moment Nico spirits lift and he appreciates how nice it is to be doing something normal. No voices, no visions, just dumb camp stuff. But then -

“Hey, where’s Will?” Austin asks. He turns to Nico. “I thought he was with you.”

It’s nothing, Nico knows it’s probably nothing, but it’s like a stone drops into the pit of his stomach.

“No,” he shakes his head. “He wasn’t with us.”

He can already feel his pulse pounding in his throat.

Will. Your fault.

No.

Get it together, di Angelo.

Nico presses the feeling down, trying to keep his voice steady. “He was with Jake. Last I saw them, they were heading east towards the oak grove.”

No one panics, but the mood shifts tangibly to less celebratory and more urgent as the group makes their way through the forest. Nico has to force himself not to sprint.

“Jake! Will!” Kayla yells, over and over as they make their way through the trees. Her volume sometimes grates on Nico, but he’s grateful for it in this moment, and he follows close behind her, heart in his throat.

“Over here!” a voice calls in response, finally, and the group turns in unison. Sure enough, there’s a flash of bright orange in amongst the greens and browns of the forest, just barely visible in the faded colours of twilight.

Austin gets there first, and Nico hears him curse. His blood runs cold. He and the rest of the group come upon the clearing a second later.

“Shit,” Nico breathes.

“Harpies,” Jake says, sounding out of breath. “I’m fine - I think Will is too. But he hit his head.”

Jake’s got a scrape across his face and a couple of deeper ones on his arm, blood dripping down his wrist. And then there’s Will on the ground, unconscious and looking deathly pale. Nico’s stomach twists. There’s blood, too. Nico can’t bear to look closely enough to see where it’s coming from. His chest feels too tight.

Coward.

And Nico should do something, right? But he’s frozen, useless. The best he can do is try to swallow down the bile rising in his throat and move out of the way so the other Apollo campers can crowd closer to help.

Nico finds himself standing next to Jake, who’s being expertly bandaged by Austin while Kayla assesses Will’s condition.

“He’s okay, Nico,” Jake murmurs, maybe taking in Nico’s expression. “The cuts aren’t that deep. But when we were running back to base he tripped over some roots. That’s when he knocked himself out.”

Nico nods mutely, watching. Sure enough, it’s only a moment before Will’s eyes flutter open. He tries to sit up, but Kayla presses him back down.

“Just hold still until I get you bandaged up, you klutz,” she mutters.

Nico should go to him. Everyone will expect him to go, right? Will will expect him to go. But he just can't breathe, and instead he finds himself taking a shaky step backwards, then another, finally turning and running into the woods, into the shadows.

___

Will jogs up the steps of the Hades cabin feeling anxious. He tries to shake it off. Sure, Nico's been stressed out lately, but they're still fine, right? It's going to be fine. Hearing random voices would put anyone on edge. Will tries, yet again, to convince himself that it doesn’t mean anything, that Nico disappeared after capture the flag last night. That it’s fine that he didn’t stop by the infirmary while Will was recovering. That it's not a big deal that Nico missed breakfast this morning.

He knocks on Nico’s door, trying for a positive, upbeat demeanor.

The door opens, and Nico returns his gaze for barely a second. Will’s heart sinks.

Nico doesn’t say a word, merely leaving the door open and crossing the room to collapse onto his bed. Will can't see his boyfriend's face now, but from the brief glimpse he had in the dim light of the cabin, Nico looked awful. Tired and drawn. Nico’s worked so hard - with Will’s insistence and encouragement - to get his weight up over the last year, and Will's terrified the other boy's losing every hard-earned pound of it now. But that seems to be just one more thing he’s not allowed to mention.

"Um. Can I come in?" Will hovers uncertainly in the doorway, finally entering and closing the door behind him when Nico doesn't respond. It's really dark in here with the door closed and all the blinds drawn, especially as Will’s eyes try to adjust from the bright light outside.

“You, um." Will clears his throat. "No one knew where you were last night. After capture the flag,” he says into the quiet of the cabin. “Kayla said you were there when everyone found Jake and me, but…" he trails off, uncertain.

Will doesn’t say that he spent all evening compulsively glancing up every time he heard anyone come near his room in the infirmary. That he walked up to the door of the Hades cabin before returning to his own cabin last night, but that he was too scared to knock.

There’s a long pause. “Yeah. I was just… walking,” Nico says.

"Oh." Will crosses to the bed, hesitantly sitting down. “So… what are you up to?”

“Reading,” Nico says flatly, though that’s clearly not the case.

Will’s never felt so unwelcome here before, and it’s making his stomach ache. He reaches out for Nico’s hand, squeezes it. Nico lets him, but gives him only the smallest squeeze in response.

Will swallows. He’s not going to participate in this, he decides suddenly. He’s not going to let Nico shut him out, and he’s not going to tiptoe around this. He squeezes Nico’s hand again.

“So, obviously you’re not okay,” Will tells the other boy. His voice sounds weird, too loud, breaking the silence of the cabin. He clears his throat.

“Nico.” Will shifts so he can see Nico’s face better, his eyes slowly adjusting to the dark. “You’re clamming up,” he says firmly. “I thought we weren’t doing that anymore.”

He realizes, even as the words leave his mouth, that this is the wrong thing to say - or at least the wrong way to say it. But it’s too late. Nico turns towards him, his gaze intense and incredulous in a way that Will barely recognizes.

“Really? We aren’t doing that anymore?”

Will shakes his head, “I’m sorry, that came out wrong -”

Nico sits up, snatching his hand away. “No. I don’t think it did.”

“Nico -”

“No. Stop it, Will.” Nico’s voice is tight with anger. “I know exactly what you meant. We don’t clam up anymore. We clean our plates at every meal. We sleep eight hours a night.”

“No, Nico, please, I -”

“I’ve had enough, Solace. Maybe this is just who I am. Maybe it’s you who needs to finally realize that you don’t want that.”

Nico’s on his feet now, and Will thinks he probably should be too, but he feels paralyzed.

“What? No! Nico, you know that’s not true!” Will reaches out a hand, but Nico takes a step back. It’s like a punch to the gut.

Will can see the other boy is fighting tears, and all he wants to do is to hold him, make this all better, but -

“You and Mr. D. keep trying to tell me that I don’t know what’s real,” Nico croaks. “Maybe that’s not my problem after all. Maybe it’s yours.” Nico turns, reaching for his sword and then bending to pull on his shoes.

“Where - where are you going?” Will finally manages to get to his feet, unthinkingly reaching out to the other boy again before dropping his hand.

“I don’t know.”

“Nico. Please.” It surprises Will, how broken his own voice sounds, and Nico must notice too, because he turns and his face softens, marginally.

“I just need some time, okay? I’m - I think I’m gonna go see Hazel.”

And then he’s gone, enveloped into the shadows of his cabin. It’s been months since they’ve parted without a kiss or an embrace, and Will can feel the cold sinking into his heart as he sinks to the cabin floor. ___

Once he’s shadow-travelled to the Berkeley Hills, Nico can’t quite force himself to go any further. He knows in his heart that he’s screwed up, again, and surely Hazel will tell him the same. After a restless night and several hours the next morning spent wandering and wallowing in guilt and regret, it’s finally hunger, frustratingly, that compels Nico to journey further.

It’s still early, and when he knocks on the door of Hazel’s room in the barracks, she answers immediately.

“Nico! What on earth are you doing here?” Hazel wraps him in a hug and then steps back, her brow furrowed.

“I - I’m not sure,” Nico says, suddenly feeling even more lost. Now that he’s arrived, he realizes he doesn’t know why he came. Except that he told Will this was where he’d be, and that, at least, means something.

Hazel frowns, inspecting Nico’s face a little too closely. He looks away, feeling exposed.

“Come in,” she says, more softly.

Nico’s not sure who designed Hazel's living quarters, but it certainly wasn’t whomever was given free rein with the Hades cabin. The space is small - it’s just Hazel, after all - but the walls are light and the space is sparsely decorated with bright jewel-tones. Hazel’s already made her bed and tidied, and it makes Nico feel even more disheveled. He’s sweaty, tired and wearing the same clothes he’s been in for several days.

Hazel closes the door and turns to her brother. “So, it’s wonderful to see you, of course. But… what’s going on?”

Nico swallows, staring down at the wood-plank flooring. “Um. I told Will I was coming to see you, but… I think I’m leaving camp for good.”

It’s the idea he’s been turning over in his mind ever since the evening of capture the flag, and it’s pressing against his skull, swelling until there aren’t any other options that make sense.

To her credit, Hazel doesn’t shout or scold. She just sighs. “You better sit down.”

Nico does, collapsing onto Hazel’s desk chair and dropping his head into his hands.

“You look kind of awful,” Hazel says after a long moment.

“Yeah,” Nico says. “I haven’t been sleeping. Or eating, really. The - the voices I’ve been hearing… they haven’t gotten any better. They’re louder, if anything.”

“Oh, Nico,” Hazel says softly, and great, that’s just what he needs. The chronic lack of sleep combined with the stress of the last few weeks has tears rolling down his cheeks before Nico has any chance of fighting against it. Hazel’s there in a moment, though, bending over him awkwardly to embrace him, her hair ticking his face.

“Sorry,” Nico whispers, trying to catch his breath. “I swear I didn’t come here to cry all over you.”

Hazel laughs. “It’s okay, big brother. That’s what I’m here for. Now tell me everything.”

So he does. It helps, somehow, that Hazel’s a bit more removed from everything else that’s been going on. Everyone back at camp, worrying about him. Especially Will. He tells Hazel how he feels as if he’s losing himself again. He tells her about capture the flag, how Will’s injury sent each and every alarm in him blaring. He tells her about the nightmares. The voices.

“You think the voices are real, then,” Hazel says. She’s sunk to the floor now, seated cross-legged at Nico’s feet.

Nico swallows. “I - yes. I know they are. And there’s the prophecy, Hazel.” He repeats the lines again. It should get easier with each retelling, but it aches every time.

“Something of equal value,” Hazel muses, staring into the middle distance.

Nico nods tightly. “I think… I think that’s what’s worrying me most.”

“You think it’s Will.”

He shrugs, tears pricking at his eyes again. “How can I not? Hazel, I’m so scared,” his voice comes out in a whisper, throat tight as he finally allows himself to say the word out loud. “He says he’s coming with me, like it’s not even up for discussion. How am I supposed to live with myself if I let Will come, and he - he…” Unable to voice the rest of the thought, Nico buries his head in his hands again.

Hazel’s quiet for a long moment. “You know you can’t ever take these prophecies at face value,” she says finally.

“Yeah, of course I know that," Nico mumbles. "But what else am I supposed to do? I just… I can’t let Will come. It’s not safe.”

She shrugs. “Probably not. Is it safe for you, though?”

Nico gazes at the purple curtains, fluttering gently in the breeze from the open window. The air smells like life, and light.

“I guess it doesn’t matter. I need to go.”

“I think what you need to do is talk to Will,” Hazel says after a long moment.

Nico sighs. “I don’t even know if he'll want to talk to me. He - he caught me at a bad moment. Yesterday. Not that it's his fault, but... I - I was so worried. And so tired. And I was just a complete dick. I should have just been straight with him, but instead I lashed out about really stupid things, and then I left.” He groans. “I’m so bad at this, Hazel."

It’s weighing on him more and more the longer he’s away. He hates that he left things the way he did, hates knowing that Will’s hurting, worrying. Because of him.

"You're not as bad as you think you are, Nico."

Nico huffs out a laugh.

“Will cares a lot about you. I've seen the way he looks at you, Nico. I know it's hard, but don't shut him out now.”

Nico nods. His throat feels tight.

"If the situation was reversed," Hazel says gently, "how would you react to Will telling you he was going on a quest like this by himself?"

Nico frowns. "Well, obviously I - I wouldn't let him. That wouldn't be right. I'd do anything I could to help."

"Mmm,” Hazel agrees. “You'd probably find a way to go with him even if he insisted you stay behind."

Nico frowns. "I know what you're doing, okay? And I didn't come all this way for you to side with Will," he says, trying to summon a little indignation.

Hazel reaches for his hand. "Sorry," she laughs. "But just think about it, okay?"

Nico sighs, closing his eyes. Hazel’s hand is warm in his. He can already feel his mind beginning to settle towards sleep. He’s just so tired. He opens his eyes, leans back, blinking.

"Do you really want to leave camp?" Hazel asks.

Nico shakes his head. “No, of course I don’t. I just - I don’t know. It seemed to make the most sense.”

“Okay. Well, I need you to know that it doesn’t.” Hazel watches him carefully and Nico nods.

“You can’t make any big decisions in this state anyway, okay? You’re going to come with me and have something to eat, and then I’m putting you to bed,” Hazel says firmly, and Nico is reminded so violently of Will that his heart aches. Gods, he misses the other boy so much already. ___

Nico’s still not sure what to do next, but he and Hazel agree that Camp Jupiter will make a fine refuge for the day.

It’s nice, actually. He eats breakfast with Hazel and then she tucks him into her bed. Nico naps the morning away, mostly peacefully, his dreams muted and less troubled than they have been. He trains with Hazel and Frank in the afternoon and stays for dinner.

And then, because he’s an idiot and a coward, he lingers until after nightfall, trying to tell himself it’ll just be easier if he doesn't have to shadow-travel in the daytime.

Nico arrives back at Camp Half-Blood once it’s well and truly dark, and he hesitates at the border of the woods, irresolute. Should he head straight back to his cabin? Find Will? His stomach is still in knots, but at least now he’s moving forward. Whatever that might mean.

In the end, the decision is made for him.

“Nico.” Will’s voice is hard and determined, and it startles Nico a little, the sight of the other boy striding towards him. At the ferocity in Will’s gaze, he almost takes a step back.

Will stops a foot away, suddenly looking less sure of himself, and Nico feels his heart constrict. He suddenly realizes he can’t remember the last time they greeted each other without some show of affection. It’s crushing to see Will uncertain whether it’s allowed.

Nico tries to swallow down his nerves. “Hi,” he says softly. “Um. Can I…” Hesitantly, he reaches out his arms, and Will’s there the next second, crushing Nico to his chest.

“I didn’t know if you were coming back,” Will whispers, and Nico can hear the tears in his voice.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he mumbles into Will’s shirt. “I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot and I love you so much and I don't want to lose you -” his own voice breaks and Will squeezes him a bit tighter, turning his head to press his face into Nico’s hair. "I love you too," he whispers.

“I’m sorry,” Nico mutters again when they finally part, his head down.

“It’s okay,” Will says. "I think we should talk, though."

Nico nods. “Yeah. Okay.”

They gaze at each other for a long moment. “Um. My cabin?” Nico asks hesitantly.

They cross the green together. Nico aches to take the other boy’s hand, but something holds him back. Things aren’t quite right with them, and it’s his fault. It’s his fault he can’t sleep, his fault he can’t eat. And now this.

They’re silent as they enter the cabin. Nico crosses to his bed, turning on the lamp and sinking down gratefully. The past two days feel as if they've lasted several months. Will takes a seat on the bed across the room. The space between them is like an endless gulf, and Nico feels himself automatically leaning forward, as if that will bridge the gap.

“I need to apologize,” Will says, twisting his hands in his lap.

Nico glances up, surprised. “What? Why?”

“Before you left - I pushed you to talk to me when you didn’t want to. I should have given you space. That was... I wasn't respecting your boundaries, and -”

“Will, no.” Nico’s across the room before he’s even registered that he’s moving, coming to a stop in front of Will to wrap his arms around the other boy’s shoulders.

“It's my fault. This is all my fault. I was an asshole.” Nico mumbles into Will's hair. “I’m just so scared Will,” he says, his voice breaking. It’s a bit easier to talk this way, without those kind blue eyes gazing into his, that beloved freckled face etched with concern.

Will tries to pull back, but Nico doesn’t let him, and after a moment he winds his arms tighter around Nico’s waist.

“I don’t understand. What are you scared of? You mean the voices?” Will asks, his voice muffled against Nico's chest.

Nico swallows. “I can’t lose you.” And gods just saying the words makes him feel as though he’s going to crumble to pieces. He can’t do this again. Not with Will. He couldn’t save his mother. He couldn’t save Bianca, or Jason. But maybe he can save Will.

“Nico.” Will goes to pull away again, and this time Nico relents. Will yanks him down so Nico’s sitting in his lap.

“You are not going to lose me,” Will says fiercely. “You couldn’t lose me if you wanted to. Is that what this is about? I thought you were mad at me for… you know. Being overbearing, and pushy, and…”

Nico half-shrugs. “I mean, you are,” he says weakly, and Will rolls his eyes and finally, finally smiles.

“Yeah, I know. And I’m really sorry about that. I’m trying to tone it down, and I’m going to keep trying. I’m probably still going to screw up sometimes, but please don’t ever think that I want you to be anything other than what you are, okay?”

“Are you sure?” Nico asks, his throat tight.

“Yes. I want you. And if you don’t want to eat or sleep or - or talk… I’ll still love you just the same.”

“I do want to eat and sleep. And talk,” Nico says, his voice wobbly. "It’s just been really hard lately. I don't - I don't usually mind when you bug me about those things. I know it’s because you care. It's just… the last week or so… my nightmares have been… really bad -” his voice breaks again and this time he can’t pull himself back fast enough and the next thing he’s aware of he’s sobbing, hard enough that he can’t catch his breath. Will doesn’t flinch, though. He gathers Nico in, holds tight. Nico’s not sure how long they stay that way, but Will keeps holding on after the tears have eased, his face pressed into Nico’s shoulder, like if he holds on tight enough, he can will all of Nico’s broken pieces back together. Nico wants him to.

“I wish you’d told me,” Will whispers, and then he pulls back, his eyes searching Nico’s. “Not that - not that you have to tell me everything if you don’t want to. Just - I’ve been worried about you and I wasn’t sure what was going on. I thought it was probably something I’d done.”

Nico shakes his head immediately. “No, it’s not your fault. I’m just the worst.”

Will frowns. “You’re definitely not.”

“I’m sorry you thought it was your fault,” Nico whispers. “And I’m really sorry for losing my temper. And for leaving.”

Will offers him a half-smile. “It’s possible we could do a better job of communicating with each other.”

Nico huffs out a laugh. “Maybe.” He leans his forehead against Will’s. They stay that way for a long moment, Nico following the rise and fall of Will’s breath until he feels himself start to settle. Gods, he could sleep right now. But there are things that need to be said first.

“Okay.” Nico takes a deep breath, pulling back. “You ready for some communication?”

Will grins. “Lay it on me.”

Nico laughs. He loves being in Will’s lap, he’s learned over the past few months. It feels vulnerable, but in a way that’s warm and safe. A way he can’t remember feeling before. But at the moment he finds he needs a little space to collect his thoughts, and he gently extracts himself, moving to sit next to the other boy, their thighs pressed together.

“I’ve been having a lot of dreams, lately, about um… people I’ve lost,” Nico begins, and Will makes a soft sound of understanding.

“My mom, and Bianca. And Jason,” Nico says softly. “And then… I’ve started dreaming about losing you, too.” His voice is rough, and he’s not sure how much of this he’s going to be able to get out before breaking down again. Will reaches for his hand, lacing their fingers together. And yeah, that helps.

“When you got hurt the other night, at capture the flag…” Nico finds he needs to take a moment to master his breathing again and Will, bless him, waits patiently, holding tight to Nico’s hand.

“It really threw me,” Nico says finally. “I saw you lying there, and you were bleeding, and you…” Nico shakes his head, trying to get rid of the image in his mind. “I couldn’t handle it. I just ran. I’m sorry I didn’t stay, and that I didn’t come to see you in the infirmary.”

“It’s okay, I get it,” Will says softly.

“Anyway.” Nico clears his throat. “The nightmares got even worse. After that. It’s been really hard to get them out of my head, even when I’m awake. And I’m actually really freaking out, Will. About Tartarus. And the prophecy,” he finishes, finally glancing at the other boy.

Will nods slowly. “I’ve kind of been freaking out too.”

Nico blinks. “Really? But you’ve - you’ve been so cool about it.”

Will's lips quirk up. “That’s just because I’m cool,” he says, bumping his shoulder against Nico’s.

Nico rolls his eyes.

“And also I didn’t want you to worry, or like… think that I wasn’t tough enough,” Will adds more quietly.

Nico shakes his head. “Will, it’s not that I don't think you're tough, or brave. It’s about… I just can’t lose you. Especially if it’s my fault,” he finishes in a whisper, watching their joined hands instead of Will’s face. There’s a long silence.

“How do you think I’d feel,” Will says quietly, “if you went down there alone, and you… you didn’t come back? If something happened to you, because I wasn’t there to help?”

“Um. Bad?” Nico says weakly, and Will snorts.

"You can’t control everything Nico." Will's voice is gentle, but firm. "People are going to make their own decisions. Sometimes they'll make those decisions because they love you. And you still can’t control that. And the consequences of those decisions are not your fault. We're going to do this together, and we're going to be fine. I'm not going to sacrifice myself to fulfill some stupid prophecy. But I am coming with you."

Nico turns his face into Will's shoulder. “I don’t want you to come,” he wants to say, but even as the words form in his mouth he realizes they’re not true.

“I want you to come. And I hate that I want you to come,” he whispers.

Will leans his head against Nico's. "I'm really glad that you want me with you. But ultimately, it's not your choice. It's mine," he says simply.

Nico pulls back to look the other boy in the eyes. "But what if it's a bad choice?" he asks, a little desperately.

Will shrugs. "Then I make a bad choice. But I'm not planning on dying, and I'm not planning on you dying. My plan is for us to have many, many years of bad choices. Together." He bumps his forehead gently against Nico's.

Nico can feel his eyes welling again. "Really?"

"Yes," Will says, firm. "Well," he amends, "mostly good choices."

Nico laughs wetly and Will gives him that bright, beautiful smile, the one that's just for him, before pulling Nico into his arms. After a moment Nico wiggles himself back into Will's lap and Will hums happily.

Nico sighs, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend, losing himself in Will's warmth and Will's breath. He’s finally, finally, starting to feel the tension in his body begin to ease. Will’s hand rubs soothingly against his back and he just wants to forget everything else. He almost manages it.

"But what if..." Nico begins hesitantly after a moment.

Will sighs. "I know," he says, and then he's quiet. His hand stills on Nico’s back and he takes a deep breath.

"So, this is maybe... kind of dark, but... also not. I don't know." Will pulls back to look at Nico. "I'm gonna tell you what I tell myself, anyway. After Lee died, and Michael... other people too. It's hard not to dwell on that, right? But we're in this... we're in this life where that shit happens. The way I've made sense of it for myself is... if I only get a year with you, then I'm going to love you as hard as I can for the time I have you." Will's voice breaks, and he takes a second to collect himself. "And if a year is all we get, I'm going to cherish that time we had for the rest of my life. I hope we get a lot more time, but if that's all we have, I'm going to be grateful for that. But I don't want to imagine a life where I didn't get to know you and love you," he finishes, his voice rough.

Nico raises a hand to brush the tears from Will's cheek. "That's really beautiful," he whispers.

Will's lips quirk up. "No, you are."

Nico rolls his eyes. "So cheesy."

Will beams, and Nico leans in to kiss him, tears and all. He tries to pour everything he hasn’t yet said into the kiss - his bone-deep gratitude for this boy and the stubborn, steadfast way he loves Nico. The unwavering way he lifts Nico up and holds him together. His comfort and his strength.

"It's been a few days since I've stayed over," Will murmurs when they finally part. "Not - not that I have to stay. I was just um... making an observation."

Nico smiles. "I'd like you to stay. It's just - like I said before... the nightmares have been bad." He makes a face. "I didn't wanna subject you to that."

"I don't mind," Will assures him.

"What if I wake up screaming?"

"It wouldn't be the first time, right? I'll rub your back until you fall asleep again. Or we can talk about it. Or we could make out some more," Will shrugs, going pink.

Nico lets out a giggle.

"I'm just throwing out suggestions," Will says, not quite making eye contact. “I mean. It always makes me feel better.”

Nico laughs, wrapping his arms around the other boy. "I love you so much."

"I love you too," Will giggles. He leans forward, taking advantage of the fact that Nico is already in his lap to scoop him up, carrying him across the cabin and depositing him gently onto his own bed.

Nico can't quite keep the stupid smile from his face as Will pulls off Nico's shoes, then his own, climbing into the bed and covering them both.

Will snuggles against him, draping an arm over Nico’s waist and nuzzling into his neck. And for the first time in weeks, Nico realizes he can imagine a time past this. Past the prophecy and Tartarus and the knot of worry in his stomach. He turns his head against Will’s and sighs.

“After Tartarus,” he says, “do you wanna like… go to Disney World?”

He can feel Will’s soft laugh against his skin, can hear the smile in his voice, “Definitely.”

“Okay.”

“Okay,” Will agrees.

"I should really change. And brush my teeth. And shower," Nico says reluctantly as Will snuggles even closer. Gods, he's so warm.

"Mm mm," Will disagrees sleepily. "Stay with me."

Nico presses a kiss to the mess of blonde hair next to him. "Okay. I will."

___

Title is from True Colors by Cyndi Lauper. Thanks for reading! :)

#nico di angelo #will solace #solangelo #angst #hurt/comfort #post-TOA #hazel levesque #fic exchange #my writing #rated teen for language i guess #wasn't crazy about this when i wrote it but i think it's growing on me

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gacha-incels · 1 year ago

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I think one of the reasons it’s hard for people to cold turkey drop being fans/consumers of a piece of contemporary media is how these “fandom” spaces on social media have been set up. you’ve got generalized spaces online (sub-reddits, tumblr, twitter, etc. I would put even those book and film review websites here and imageboards) where you can “join” a pre-existing group of friends completely based on specific pieces of media.

for those who are post-college years and perhaps more introverted, it’s easier to talk with people online in these places and you can log in 24/7. instead of making friends in a physical schooling atmosphere where you’re surrounded by other people daily for 12+ years, you can log in and make friends digitally by being surrounded by people who all consume the same piece of media as you. so your friendship is completely dependent on this piece of media for the most part.

for younger people growing up now I think this also ties into “finding yourself” where they will see consumption of a piece of media as a core tenet of their personality. I believe this is part of why there have been multiple posts about the Project Moon/Limbus Company situation that say “don’t worry whatever you choose you’re not a bad person either way.” This is also reinforced when people online comment “xyz fan” if they want to call your judgement of something into question. They have in effect assigned you a personality based on your consumption a videogame, for example. When the creators do something so ideologically opposite than what the work presents, it’s extra shocking to those fans who considered consuming the work as part of their personality. I think this way of consumption is also why, at least from what I’ve seen, there has been such a drive to label and categorize “aesthetics” into words you can search hashtags for or put in your online profile. This also has got to be a reason why people go so hard in their defense of whatever media, because they feel like when someone criticizes the media they consume they are in effect criticizing the person who consumes it. They are essentially trying to defend themselves.

When something shocking like the kowtowing to misogynistic men situation with Limbus Company, in a sense the way these “fandom” spaces work online now makes it harder for people to completely drop the game. The consumer now has online friendships and is in entire communities based completely on this media, maybe they have also even created fanart and fanfiction. For some of them it’s part of their personality. If they drop it completely they are also losing these online communities , friends and even a sense of self. I think this is a reason you will see a lot of fans ask “what fandom/game should I get into next”, they want to fill this void ASAP.

As a gacha game, Limbus further complicates this by getting the consumer into a routine they now have to break. Every day they have logged in, done the daily gameplay, even the events and gambling banners have a set schedule. These types of games typically have an ensemble cast with specific set types of personalities so fans can choose their favorite(s). As long as they make money they will keep making stories (just look at FGO), so it’s like having a never-ending story with your favorite character. It’s like a series of movies that always end with a teaser for the next one. It’s easy to get addicted, not just from the gambling aspect.

I was confused at first why other fans were having such trouble completely dropping the game because for me, it was like a switch turned off and I was able to stop caring completely. I think it’s amazing how some Korean fans have completely deleted all their fanart and even taken their fan merch back from the restaurant. But looking into how “fandom” works these days it seems this makes it harder to drop something completely. I’m not saying these are the only reasons, but it’s interesting how this works positively for companies that make these pieces of media that are up for public consumption.

#limbus company #lcb #project moon #vellmori

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mirageofadesert · 1 year ago

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Ranking Luo Yunxi's characters & scenes in TTEOTM based on my level of obsession

Since I'm currently in my TTEOTM fan girl era, I thought I would rank the performances of my new favorite actors based on how much I obsess over them. Sorry for my English btw... Spoilers ahead! Let the countdown begin!

(This is going to be quite long, but I have the uncontrollable urge to talk about this drama, but no one to listen to me! So I'm just screaming into the Tumblr void!)

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#10 Tantan Jin claiming the throne

I love this scene for multiple reasons: Tantai Jin is riding into the Jing kingdom capital to claim the throne. However, is not wearing royal black, but rather soft greys in the style of the Yiyue tribe. It's also the first time we see him with braided hair. He has just (almost) killed his brother and instigated the vermin to flee the city. This makes it an even more powerful entrance and statement as to who he will be as a king. This is Tantai Jin coming into his own.

It's also a pretty outfit with many delicate details. From this point on, it will take multiple life times until we will see him in this colors again.

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#9 Tantai Jin conducting a symphony of crows

After having suffered for most of his life, Tantai Jin takes revenge on his tormentors in a quite intriguing way, that's is cleverly build up in the show. He has been established as being able to gently talk to animals, spending most of time reading and writing, while lacking adequate clothing. Now, all these elements are put together in a new order: The brush and crows are becoming a deadly weapon, while he is dressed in royal black of the Jing kingdom. It's a glimpse into a possible future, that will turn out so very differently in the show.

It feels satisfied to see him take his revenge, even through he acts so delightfully psychotic. Luo Yunxi gives an extraordinary performance in this episode!

I also adore the evolution of his fighting style. There is also a clear evolution of him using projectiles to fight - from the crows, to the red blades, the sect technique Cang Jiumin uses to the god-killing crossbow.

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#8 Cang Jiumin being interrogated by the sect, while fighting his own destiny

Nobodies portraits suffering just like Luo Yunxi. The complex emotions of pain, mental restrain and wavering hope are tangible in this performance. The scene is really well written and given enough space to fully take effect. There is also something very satisfying in seeing the sect members react to the truth finally being exposed, while integrating elements of voyeurism. It's such a hard trope to deliver well, and the show did a great job.

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#7 Confused Ming Ye

From catching apples, teaching his wife to use a cross bow, consuming their marriage to being cared for while blinded - there was a lot of moment in which mighty god of war Ming Ye shows his soft and confused side. These were such sweet moments, which made Ming Ye a nuanced character, while portraying a god falling in love so incredible well. As the god of war he is both relentless and strong, but still human in his inexperience and softening emotional detachment.

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#6 Tantai Jin killing the king of Sheng

This is one of my favorite outfits Tantai Jin has worn as the king. The color composition is beautiful and the gold details really elevate the outfit. The beauty is stark contrast to the pain and desperation turning to rage Tantai Jin is experiencing. The scene mirrors the crows attack in some way, but now Tantai Jin doesn't need to hide between a swarm of birds anymore, instead he takes the enemy heads on and without any (initial) backup. This speaks to his immense power, which we haven't seen on screen for a moment. And while his revenge is again satisfied to watch, him showing compassion for his former nanny only to succumb to the unimaginable despair of losing his mother again is heart wrenching. This scene becomes even more impactful, because Tantai Jin isn't uniting both kingdoms by fighting a war with superior strategies and armies (as the audience has been expecting), but rather due to personal pain and his sheer power.

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#5 Cang Jiumin exploring Shangqing Realm

I love Cang Jiumin so much, I wish he would have gotten more screen time. This episode is one of my favorite appearance of him, because it's fun and lighthearted. He is playfully and cheeky, while also being righteous and brave in a calm and mature way. He is what I imagine Tantai Jin might have become had the grown up differently. His outfit is also incorporating more and more elements from Tantai Jin, such as the feathers and extravagant detailing.

Him sneaking away from his sect brothers to go exploring by himself is such a great moment. Only for it to be followed up by him protecting the Lady of Spirituality against some bullies in a really impressive fight scene and finally him reuniting with Li Susu. This is one of my favorite episodes to re-watch!

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#4 Tantai Jin fighting against Xiao Lin

From the moment he levitates down the fortress, this is one of my favorite fighting scenes. While both seem rather equally matched, Tantai Jin's facial expression give away, that he is holding back. The glowing red swords are such a nice hint in the evolution of his weapons, getting close to the Devil God's style. He also starts throwing his weapons here, which foreshadows his future fighting style. The scene isn't just impressive, it's showcases the character development and complex relationship between both princes. Tantai Jin is no longer imitating Xiao Lin, but is finding is own self-expression - leaving the shadow of the other prince, while not falling into resentment (he still views him as a friend). I love it when fight scenes actually contribute to the characterization and story development.

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#3 Poor but unsettling hostage prince in his Disney princess era

Tantai Jin as the bullied hostage prince is such a interesting character. There is something delicate and sweet, but unsettling about him. When he talks to his little animal friends, he is downright caring and almost loving, only to turn into a pained and resigned shell before showing a spiteful and callous individual. There is so much nuances in this portrayal! This version of Tantai Jin is also really pretty with his simple hair and gray clothing. It's so painful to experience conflicting emotions as an audience: On one hand you want to feel sorry for his unfortunate man, but on the other hand you understand the resentment, distrust and trauma Li Susu is experiencing.

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#2 Ancient Devil God

Ugh, just look at him! While all the version of the Devil God were breath-taking, this one is on a while different level. The wavy hair, the pretty makeup, the attitude? This ancient evil should not be that hot. He also brings a lot of nuances to the depiction of unimaginable evil, which makes me wonder how complex is this character is, especially in comparison to other gods like Ming Ye. I feel like there could be a lot of interesting backstory, that stays unexplored - but I think that this for the best based on the role he plays in the show.

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#1 One-eyed Tantai Jin hitting rock bottom

That fucking stick.... This version of Tantai Jin is making me feel things I rather not express out loud. The messy hair, the blinded eye and his attitude are just beyond perfect. You can feel the storm of emotions seething under the surface of his detached act. There is still a hint of challenge and defiance left, even after he has again been betrayed and imprisoned.

I said it before, but Luo Yunxi really excels in portraying suffering. He is able to express so many small emotions just with his voice and facial expressions, that you get drawn into his performances. As much as I want his characters to be happy - and Tantai Jin deserves all the happiness - this is when both Tantai Jin and Luo Yunxi are at their best!!

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Extra: Honorable mentions!

Tantai Jin entering the nether river

Just look at the wavy hair, the beautiful cloth and his waist!

Mingye iconic outfit

The colors, the cut, the ribbons? Just chef's kiss!

Tantai Jin in his gifted green robe

I'm emotionally not ready to talk about this one yet!

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The end! :)

#tteotm #luo yunxi #tantai jin #cdrama

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greyskyflowers · 1 year ago

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can’t stop thinking about zoro being somehow captured and they’ve got him drugged to the gills but he keeps burning through it too fast so they muzzle him [insert bloodhound zoro moment + zoro is luffy’s feral dog jokes from the kidnappers] and then the strawhats find him and just about lose their minds (zoro with a big wound over his nose and slightly over his cheeks and luffy strokes the space under them with his fingertips to comfort him skdjsjdj injured zoro makes me feel insane)

if you write this i will worship the ground you walk on <3 you’re an incredible writer <33

So, let me start this by saying I think muzzles are severely under-rated. I cannot believe they aren't used more.

There's so much potential.

I've had a few Ace ideas I've posted with muzzles and I stg there's a Zoro one somewhere. I went through my tags and tried to find the post but I can't find it! I must have either deleted it or it was lost in the void of tumblr tags.

I have some ideas in my drafts that are similar to the muzzle and/or dog concept so I'll have to revist those and see what I can do with them. 🤔

In the meantime, I went and found some of my previous Zoro posts that may help satisfy the craving for some Zoro h/c!

I hope I attached these right

#asks

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katsigian · 2 years ago

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The Cyberpunk Fandom on Tumblr

After being away for a while and being able to step back and watch from afar, I can easily say that the fandom/community here on Tumblr is dying. Not surprising when you consider how competitive it's become. Not surprising when you consider how toxic and clique-y it's become.

If you're not in a clique, good luck getting notes.

If you're new, good luck getting notes. This place is horrendous for welcoming newcomers.

If you don't have an elaborately modded character and don't have the VP skills of a god, good luck getting your work seen.

Better watch your step or else you'll start an argument. Whether that's about mods or an NPC or headcanon. Better yet, don't share mods or headcanons at all. You will draw the wrath of somebody out there.

But make sure that you're posting new content every three days or else people will forget about you.

And don't make it too creative and different or else people won't like it. Just remix the same old picture in a new way over and over again.

And don't even think about sharing things other than VP of a hot person because nobody cares. All everyone wants to see is a hot person for 5.5 seconds. Put months and months of effort into developing a character? Too bad. Put a lot of love and time into developing lore and writing for your character? Better save it for yourself. No one on this app cares. Your character will be whittled down to how hot they are or not. That's a toxic community.

You have people who've been in this community for months that are hurting. There are people who are losing something they love when their work that they put effort into isn't being noticed. It stings when they're overlooked because they don't meet the ridiculous criteria in this community on this app. You have people that are scared to share their work. You have people that are struggling with their mental health because of this community. Because it's a toxic community. How do I know this? Because I've seen it happen, I've heard them say it aloud.

You have some people here who managed to make it to the top and the rest struggling to keep up. Do you really think it's healthy to have that kind of structure? Do you really think it's healthy that people are buying entire PC set ups just so they can take modded pictures and feel like they belong? That's a toxic community.

Do you really think it's a good thing that those who don't have elaborately modded V's and high end PC set ups aren't getting seen? 30 notes is hardly enough for some of the talent that I see around here. But they're overlooked because they aren't in the right clique or don't create the content that the fandom is demanding or don't use every mod in existence. That's a toxic community.

So what can you do to make it better? Share work that doesn't belong to only your friends. Leave nice notes on shares even if they aren't in your clique. Take a moment to appreciate it when people share something other than VP. Take a moment to appreciate those Vs that aren't elaborately modded. Take a moment to appreciate the talent of people here. Everyone here, not only the same 20-ish people.

This is something that is happening even on Discord servers. I've watched it happen, watched the interaction fade away. But it can be fixed if enough people put an effort into it. That means a real effort, a genuine wish for this community to continue on. If not, then we'll just have a handful of people sharing their VP into a void and nothing more. That isn't a community.

Put an effort in. Look beyond the scope of only what is in arms' reach. Appreciate what people create. Appreciate the effort that is put into their characters. Share things. Reach outwards and see the good in what people create even if they aren't what you've been brainwashed into thinking is good. Because we have been brainwashed. We've been brainwashed into thinking that we can't interact with anyone outside of our clique. We've been slowly made to think that only one set of criteria for VP and OCs are "good" and that is hurting so many people. Simply announcing that you 'think all work is good!' or 'I just do it for myself!' won't mend the hole that's being ripped into people when they aren't acknowledged.

Who is going to share your work when everyone is gone? Who's going to like your work when there's nobody to like it anymore?

And I don't mean that you need to spend hours on Tumblr sharing everything you see. That will only lead to more burn out, so please don't think that's what I mean. I mean that the toxic community practices have to end. I mean leaving the brainwashing behind and acknowledging the talent and skill of all people. I mean acknowledging all people who are here.

—------------------

Edit as of 09/10/23:

I love how this post has been bastardized into something it's not by people who have zero reading comprehension and by people who want to keep the toxic little cliques in place because that's the only way they have any support. This post was never targeted at any one person, regardless of what anyone thinks or wants to believe. It was never targeted, it wasn't a vague post, it wasn't meant to start drama. Notice how I didn't mention any specific people. Although, if you felt targeted by it, maybe that's a little telling. Feeling guilty? If you or a loved one felt targeted by this non-targeted general community rambling post that many people agreed with, you may be entitled to pulling your head out of your own ass and going outside to touch grass. Being chronically online is terrible, I've heard. My sympathies.

Of course the people who want to keep the hostile, clique-y, narrow-minded toxic environment would be mad at this post. Because that kind of environment benefits them and is the only way they can garner support. It's just too bad that you outed and exposed yourselves with your behavior and actions taken after reading all of this.

And no, I did not say that I don't get enough notes anywhere on this post. I encourage you to actually read it again, this time with your thinking hat on, and tell me where I said that I want more notes on my posts. If you can find where I stated that (either in this post or anywhere on my blog) then I think we may have the next Criss Angel on our hands with the way you made something appear out of thin air like that. Plus you're just as cringy and delusional as he is, so I think I may be onto something here.

It really is hilarious how badly this has been misconstrued. But people will see whatever they want to see and if they want to look at the world through shit-coloured glasses, who am I to stop them? You can't reason with people who are chronically online and don't have lives or friends beyond a computer screen. I'd recommend that you go find help, or maybe even find Jesus, but I think the people who purposely misconstrue this post are beyond saving.

So, if you've got any problems or beef with me in regard to this post or in regard to my actions in fandom, well, I'm afraid that is between you and God, my good man. You're gonna have to sort all that out inside your own head because I do not give a fuck. Any persons "conflict" with me is their own fantasy and fabrication because I take no part in it. For these peoples' sakes, I hope they find a way out of their basement and into a therapist's office

#cp77 fandom bullshit

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ewanmitchellcrumbs · 3 months ago

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Dearest Ange, the final episode is upon us.

I too was victim to the spoilers via leaks, and I was really, really praying it was just a bad fever dream. I've accepted that at this point I will continue watching for a love of the actors and the characters, rather than for a meaningful, coherent storyline. There are so, so many things wrong with this episode, much of which we've discussed over the course of season two;

The horrible, horrible way that Ryan Condal and Sara Hess dealt with the greens. My heart really went out to Aemond in this episode because despite the fact that he's so, so messy, and flawed, he's the only one left of his family who's actually trying to keep them alive, to protect them even though he's not going about it the wrong way.

The way the show dealt with the aftermath of events

The horrible character development of so many characters

The terrible pacing

The annoying inclusion of the whole ASOIAF from the main series- please, please, please stop reminding me it exists

Aemond trying to kill Aegon on purpose.

And so much more

And while I'll get to the (few) positives, as I always try to do, there is one thing that made me have to pause my tablet in pure agitation and just being fucking fed up, and that, dear Ange, is that scene with Alicent and Rhaenyra.

What. the. Fuck.

Alicent just sacrificed Aegon for her own freedom, after forcing Aegon to claim a throne he didn't even want? Why is Rhaenyra still bringing up a son for a son? Did Jaehaerys's death mean nothing? Alicent only cares about Helaena and Jaehaera, but what about her sons? Daeron? Aemond and Aegon, despite their flaws, they are her sons, her children- where is the Alicent in s1 who screamed at Aegon that if Rhaenyra became Queen, they will die? It's more than butchering her character, it's just utter bullshit. I remember in season 1 I was such an Alicent sympathiser, I felt like the complexity of her character would be so interesting to see in s2, but my god was it a shitshow. Alicent takes one solo camping trip and she's ready to offer up her sons on a platter so she can try and absolve herself? What about her father? Her brother? All of whom are fighting for her son's cause? They don't have the luxury that Alicent seems to, if the greens lose, they will lose their heads. No question.

My heart ached for Aemond when he tried to reach out to Helaena hat one last time- yes, she has every right to be angry, because she's lost so much because of Aemond's actions, and yet, the look on his face broke me. He's trying so hard to fight for their survival, and not one member of his family cares. I've ranted on a bit about the negatives, so here are my few positives-

Daemon and Rhaenyra reunion, seeing them together again

At this point, any Aemond or Helaena screentime is a blessing, no matter what Ryan Condal's trying to do.

Daeron sneak peak

Rhaena and Sheepstealer

Helaena is so fucking pretty <3

Sharako Lohar (I wanna be one of her wives, thanks)

Ngl after Aemond burned Sharp Point I was ready to let him take out some more frustrations on me, hehe

I wanna say Bloodraven, but....that's not what I expected him to look like

Anyway, Ange, I've enjoyed our little weekly tradition. I'm looking forward to how the show is going to inspire the fandom for the next two years. I'll try not to disappear into a void, I'm still gonna hide behind anon for a while longer, but maybe by the time s3 rolls around, I'll be able to come out from hiding. I've written my own fics, though admittedly I'm only somewhat proud of one of them, that I'm not finished uploading from ao3 to tumblr. I feel some inspiration to write again after some time of no inspiration, so perhaps if I'm granted any time, I can finally write again. As always, look forward to seeing your takes, Ange <3

-🦋 anon

Hello, my love! I can't believe that after eight weeks of doing this, this will be our final one (until season three, anyway) - I hope you won't be a stranger until then! I will wait patiently for your first fic to post.

Anyway, on to my thoughts...

A lot of people’s gripe with season two of House of the Dragon has been its deviation from Fire and Blood.

I do not mind that. They did it in season one. My issue is that there is no consistency between the characters as they were presented in season one and how they behave in season two.

Alicent that put herself between a dragon and her son, that replied “you imbecile” to his question of “do you love me?” now offering up his head.

Aemond that toasted with his brother at the expense of his bastard nephews, and looked on in annoyance as Helaena danced with one of them, burning and torturing his brother and manhandling his sister.

This isn’t character development, it’s character assassination. Where is the family unit that closed ranks and defended one another when Viserys demanded to know which of them called Rhaenyra’s sons bastards?

The writers tore up the script for season one and said “actually, they all hate each other”. I don’t recognise these characters. They are trying to make the audience hate Aemond when he is the only one with any integrity, still fighting for his family’s cause.

And Daemon - Daemon’s defining quality has always been his ruthlessness, how cutting he is. They’ve softened him up to make Rhaenyra’s cause seem more sympathetic. Give me back the man that sat at the top table during a wedding feast and called Lord Royce an “old bronzed cunt”, the man who single-handedly took on the Crabfeeder’s army rather than accept help from his brother.

They’ve destroyed so much potential with the insistence on creating good guys. The whole appeal of the Dance is that everyone is shitty. We could have had that with the foundations that were laid in season one. I am so disappointed.

I'm annoyed that we didn't get to see Rhaena actually claim Sheepstealer, and when she does finally encounter him she reacts with wide eyed surprise? Girl, you're really shocked that you're seeing the creature that you've spent the last however long tracking and almost died of exposure for? That's like me looking around the supermarket for grapefruit and then screaming when I find it. That could have been way more badass, I'm not annoyed that they sacrificed Nettles' character for that.

What was the point of Aemond burning Sharp Point? Visually, it was stunning, but what purpose did it serve? Was that in place of him burning the Riverlands? We didn't even get to see him do it, just the aftermath!

Helaena telling Aemond how he dies, as well as Daemon seeing his own death were such dumb moves. Those deaths would have been epic for people who haven't read the book, and now they are spoiled. I am also now sceptical as to whether we will get Alysmond or not. It seems like they've stripped away the very foundation that made that pairing by making Helaena a seer and giving Daemon such a tight knit bond with Alys.

When I first read Fire and Blood I was very much Team Black. What brought me to neutral ground was watching season one and seeing how Team Green were fleshed out and made more complex. Season two has undone all of that. It feels almost like they are trying to turn the characters back to their book counterparts, but are making them into caricatures of themselves in the process.

They could never make me hate Aemond, and I think the only reason for that is Ewan's incredible performance of the character. He adds so much nuance to a personality that the writers are actively trying to destroy. I think if it were any other actor playing Aemond, I genuinely would not enjoy the character.

Anyway, so I'm not ending on a bum note, here's what I've enjoyed this season:

The acting - the cast have been absolutely phenomenal, every performance has been a joy to watch, despite the weak writing.

The lesbian fan service. I very much enjoyed the Rhaesaria kiss, though I am annoyed they never developed that any further. Sharako Lohar also - I know the character is a man in the book and making her a woman is very fan servicey, but I enjoyed her immensely.

Tyland Lannister. He has provided some much needed comic relief this season, whether it's being bullied by Aegon and Jaehaerys, terrorised by Aemond or mud wrestled by pirates, he's fun to watch.

Team Black - I was kind of "meh" towards characters like Baela and Jace in season one. I've grown to appreciate them so much more in season two, and I think that's because of the acting. Bethany and Harry have done an amazing job.

The dragons! I've enjoyed seeing them all, the designs for all of them are so interesting and I really like how different they all look. Caraxes will be my forever favourite, but Syrax has also stolen my heart this season, because of her cute little Boglin face.

I think that's it? My expectations for season three are low, so hopefully I will be pleasantly surprised. I will be knocking around in the meantime, writing fics as always! Lots of love to you xoxo

#asked and answered #🦋 anon

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arcann · 7 months ago

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Well tumblr ate the ask at the last minute because I guess a draft this long, + an image and links is too much for the hellsite 😔

Jeremiah @tragicomedykitty asked me about my reaper headcanons so here they are! Thank you so much for the ask ❤

This got a lot longer than I thought it would but here are my thoughts and headcanons! Content warnings for discussions of cannibalism, gore and self harm, nothing descriptive though.

About the usual pact with a voidsent:

In an average communion with a soulstone the reaper doesn't get to choose the voidsent, they send a call to the void and the inhabitants there can choose to accept or reject it. The encyclopedia says it has to be a voidsent that shares an extremely similar soul and I agree but they also imply it's likely part of your ancient counterpart's soul which I only partially use. It just needs to be similar. To me that means that it spent time eating and absorbing or being eaten by the voidsent that shares the reaper’s soul. They leave an impression on each other no matter how many more voidsent they ate (you’re eating another person, they become a part of you, that must be an impactful process).

The voidsent from lower hierarchies never answer. There is nothing a single being could offer that would satisfy a being as powerful as them. Meanwhile the weakest voidsent don’t understand the call. It’s usually a voidsent from the middle ranks that was killed a short time ago and has come back, searching for a new way to get a constant source of aether.

Canon says it’s just an avatar that reaches through the void, which the reaper has to open every time they need its powers. I changed it so that the voidsent actually becomes a type of parasite/ghost in their body that siphons aether from the reaper, their surroundings or the people they kill. A part of it stays inside the reaper at all times and they have to teach it how to leave their body to attack. Some might be able to leave and roam the source or return to the void if they wish to. However they do submit to the reaper’s will and if they’re under control they will return to their side immediately.

I like to think they prefer to haunt the reaper’s liver when they’re inside them :)

Their personalities are unpredictable and one takes a lot of risk from the beginning. The reaper can get a beast who wants more and more aether and plans to take over their body and might outright attack them or plot to get back at them in the long run. This type of voidsent think they are owed the reaper’s soul for giving their help. The reaper has to choose if the reason they made the covenant is worth fighting for their soul permanently or decide when it is time to cut the voidsent out before they slip up and lose themselves.

The voidsent that kills their host improves their level in the hierarchy. They’re evidently more powerful but there’s a degree of separation in their soul that doesn’t make them become a fully united being like after the ascians’ Ardors. They take the form of their reaper and can only slightly modify it, but it’s like they’re stuck inside their body still. It counts as possession even if the two beings are more intrinsically tied to one another than the usual necromancy.

The reaper can kill their voidsent but their soul is sundered permanently and their soulstone cracks. If they try to do another pact it won’t respond. This also happens if something else provokes the death of their ally.

They can like you a lot though. You can be friends. They’re just people after all and most are very tired of their immortality. They enjoy the novelty of the Source and having someone that might care for them.

Enshrouding is a very difficult process that requires either complete control over the voidsent or a very solid relationship filled with trust. It should be used in short bursts during combat so that both sides don’t get used to having their souls intertwined in such a way. The more experienced combatants could stay enshrouded for more time but even they should be wary.

Enshrouding modifies the reaper’s body into a shape the voidsent is more comfortable in. If the reaper allows it, the voidsent can “design” this state more thoroughly so their powers can flow easily and their combat aptitude improves. This changes the form the reaper came up with first, which usually looks more like them.

Evil voidsent don’t get to play designer, they will fuck you up and possession will become much more easier if you let them.

This is the moment where the souls of the duo fuse. The process is voluntary so the soul of the reaper becomes denser with the voidsent soul being a perfect match for theirs. It’s a much more powerful bond than when the voidsent absorbs its host.

About Garlean reapers before the empire:

Garleans who become reapers can use aether as any other person would but they can only perform dark aspected magic unless their own voidsent could manipulate other types of magic before they fused. They can be just as powerful as the average mage but they need to siphon more aether from their surroundings or their victims.

Before the empire, there were clans of reapers that would be in charge of roaming around Garlemald to protect other communities. They would live away from them when times were peaceful. People from other clans would sometimes seek them to be granted their powers and they were tested to see if they could survive the process. If they failed a reaper would simply accompany them to solve the problem and pay attention to that area in case another conflict occurred there. If they passed, after their crusade was done and their loved ones were safe they would have to return with the reaper clan that had adopted them. This was done to prevent them from either abusing the rest of the community with their newfound magic or becoming possessed and harming others with no one to stop them.

Elder reapers with more violent and manipulative voidsent became pillars of strength among the clans and they incurred much more respect. Their lives were not easy and their endings were rarely happy but their experience spoke for them and they usually became much more efficient (yet much more stern) mentors.

If two reapers fought to the death it would most likely conclude on partial or complete cannibalism of the defeated party. The logic inside the void is that you eat other voidsent to survive so those old instincts would easily kick in a fight similar to the ones that happen in the 13th. This usually destabilizes the reaper’s relationship with their voidsent and either they would be encouraged to have a long period of reflection or cut their relationship entirely. The reaper clans were careful in keeping the peace inside their group and tried to solve their problems in any other way but combat.

If the eaten voidsent was very powerful (and the battle was lost due to the eaten reaper’s lower combat experience) the other voidsent might really have to fight to “digest” the enemy and if they are not capable of doing so the eaten one might burst out of the winning reaper, xenomorph style. The host would most likely die unless very quick and powerful magical action was taken, which the garlean reapers had no access to. This was the worst case scenario for a clan.

Cannibalism and necrophagia could also occur when the reaper was losing in combat and nearing death so the voidsent realized the only aether they can take is from corpses or their enemies and a much more direct solution would be to put the aether running through the other bodies inside theirs immediately instead of spending energy siphoning it. The reaper clans looked down on this too but the truth was that the voidsent acted pragmatically and in benefit of their host. Everyone who went through that situation knew the feeling. It was an uncomfortable truth.

Some voidsent caused only mischief in their free time and those were the ones that allowed their reapers to grow older much more easily, so they spent more time in the Source. They had myths that turned into oral stories built around them and holidays which would be the garlean equivalent to All Saints’ Wake (FFXIV’s Halloween) and the Roman Lemuria. The empire forbade the celebrations after the assassination attempt against the emperor but Drusilla (the reaper mentor) and her Lemures keep them alive. They’re several and some serve as a commemoration to the reaper clans’ achievements or tragedies while others are for fun.

About reapers during the empire:

When the empire was in its nascent period the reapers were an important part of the military. The frumentarii (imperial spies) were founded by the first reaper clan that swore fealty to Solus and slowly all the clans were involved to some degree of spy work. The soon to be emperor was recognized as a tactical genius and his first strategies in the conquest of Ilsabard would usually involve sending reapers after the heads of important leaders of other countries before the battle began.

Pause to think about reapers in Garlemald’s cringe fail military armor. They really took the L in this period of time.

The few reapers that refused to join the empire were hunted down by black masked ascians or escaped Ilsabard before that happened.

Solus pushed for all the frumentarii to become reapers for a short time but that was a failure in his eyes, they were never enough to push forward all of his plans. The administrative positions and spy work in places where conflict was unlikely had to be filled with the average rank and file. Behind closed doors the demands of the emperor were traumatizing for elder reapers since they sent many young people to very grisly deaths. They didn’t have a cause they believed in and there was no time to train them thoroughly so they got overwhelmed easily and had to be executed. The ones who survived would end up bonding more with their mentors and would easily choose them over the ideals of the empire.

My headcanon is that Drusilla was one of those younger people but luckily her grandfather Rullus was one of the frumentarii with higher standing so she knew what to expect and stayed with him most of the time. Her voidsent was also friendlier than most and it genuinely wanted to protect her.

Hater intermission: the encyclopedia gave Drusilla a dead husband and child and like 🙄 she’s a lesbian SE I care not for it. She’s officially 52 but I refuse to believe she’s younger than 65. Give me that vintage old woman. She mentions that her grandfather’s hair was black but turned white after the assassination attempt and yet she is shown as a young woman with white hair. Hell no, she had black hair. She also says 20 years ago her grandfather tried to kill Solus because he thought the cunt was going too far but by then Garlemald had completely conquered Ilsabard, most of western Othard and Ala Mhigo. He would have gone too far so many decades ago. Also Emet clearly doesn’t look 68 in the flashback.

Enjoyer intermission: they did describe Rullus as the greatest reaper ever. I like that the tyrannicidal guy who saw Emet’s nonstop push for conquest and was like “oh fuck” was the mvp. 😎

SO… Drusilla Varus, the 65 year old lesbian living in Ul’dah who used to have black hair but it turned white because that’s what happens when you get older, ten years after the 7th Umbral Calamity, tells Taigat that 40 years ago, when she was 25, her grandfather Rullus, the most powerful reaper of his age, had to accept that he was getting old and everything around him had taken a turn for the worse. He had to recognize that the Empire's purpose had never been to stop their conquest at the reclamation of Locus Amoenus, and even that had never been a good reason for the atrocities committed. All of Ilsabard was under imperial control and western Othard would soon follow once progress with more powerful magitek was achieved. It was only a matter of time and in his conscience were thousands of deaths that now seemed evidently unnecessary. Maybe some of it had been the influence of his voidsent Orcus, always eager for more violence but if so that would have meant Rullus had been losing control over his companion for an unknown amount of time. In any case the responsibility was in his hands and he had to make a huge change while he could do something.

Orcus was a very powerful yet difficult voidsent. He plotted to make Rullus kill more than he intended so the man had to keep complete control over him all the time. However, as Rullus got older and questioned more of his own actions, his grip faltered and it gave Orcus room to think.

Even if the impulses Orcus pushed forward were very subtle, Rullus decided to plot the assassination of the emperor on his own because of him. In the voidsent’s mind either he ate the emperor after killing legions of his men and sent an entire country to the brink or he would finally consume Rullus, as revenge for stifling him for decades.

Rullus was desperate to prove that his foolish dream of watching his people returning to the land they were ousted from hadn’t been twisted by a man who was building a monster worse than the one that clawed at his mind, that he could stop Solus from tearing down more nations and he was being eaten away with the guilt of everything he had done, so he was in a very precarious mental state.

The assassination did not go as either of them expected. By then, Emet Selch had already figured out that reapers were a thing of the past, a volatile element to be discarded and replaced as soon as possible. Garleans should look only at its military for protection, not at ghosts looming in the edges of society. The attack was the perfect excuse for him to denounce every reaper as traitors to be hunted.

For that Solus needed to kill him in a… public yet controlled space. He easily pushed back Rullus’ assault in the privacy of his palace’s chambers but ran away until his tribuni found them locked in fierce combat. After a bloody fight the surviving soldiers thought they had killed him but in reality Orcus had already taken control of Rullus and was playing dead. He could tell he wasn’t capable of defeating the paragon so he chose to have his revenge against his master. Emet knew he was pretending but outside of keeping Rullus’ soulstone he didn't bother to finish the abomination. Alone, voidsent don’t take on a challenge where the odds aren’t in their favor. It worked for the emperor because while he was publicly executing reapers, Orcus slipped into the darkness and began hunting Rullus’ remaining clan members. Without any warning (since Rullus told no one what he was planning) the reapers in service of the empire were massacred.

My headcanon is that the Magitek Reapers were developed a short while later and either Solus or someone who wanted to please him named them as a nod to the elimination of the traitors. The empire never loses anything, it improves and evolves.

So in my timeline Rullus never returns to Drusilla since he died fighting Solus. When Orcus attacked, he ate her parents in front of her, taunted her with the fact that the emperor was so much more than a man who would destroy everything she loved and decided to kill her last, by slowly siphoning her aether. This was all because in life she was the person Rullus loved the most and Orcus thought it was insulting to use his powers to protect her for decades. When it was her turn, he didn’t notice that he exhausted the energy of Drusila’s voidsent instead of hers and while he killed it, she lived through the attack, barely. She is the only survivor of that clan and she didn’t know if any other reaper got away.

About Drusilla specifically:

Drusilla took the soulstones she could find of her clan and her grandfather’s ancestral scythe (which Orcus couldn’t care for in the least) and ran west. It didn’t take Orcus too long to figure out she was still alive so he hunted her from time to time until he just grew bored or she managed to escape without his noticing. In the beginning she would make new friends that ended up in her enemy’s claws or his thralls. After that there was a period of her life where she gave up on living with other people but she slowly accepted that deep inside her she wanted to be in a group she could call her family and she never gave up on the idea.

She never really forgave Rullus for not trusting her or anyone in their clan with his insurgency and when she was younger she blamed him for what happened. She now understands that thinking on what ifs just hurts her more but she is right that more people would have survived if they had all been involved, even if there was no way to defeat the emperor. Still, she misses him the most and Orcus mutilating his body more and more as time goes by didn’t help.

Ul’dah was the almost perfect place for her to keep Orcus away since the arid city filled with light was antithetical to the voidsent. Both Drusilla and Rullus preferred cold places and the abomination apparently adopted those preferences. Meanwhile Drusilla adapted and began to unite garlean remnants that had escaped the empire one way or another and took them all under her wing. She finally had a base of operations but still misses the colder weather.

Besides, Ul’dah is filled with people who know how to deal with voidsent (thaumaturges), people who would be eager to uno reverse Orcus and start a huge hunt for his head to gain fame (gladiators) and people honor bound to kill voidsent if they knew one had entered the city (paladins) so he has to think twice before alerting those groups. Drusilla would never ask for help from any of them but she could hide her nature better, especially since she doesn’t have a voidsent with her anymore and Orcus wanted to stay as he was more than he wanted to toy with her.

However, Orcus did make killings around Eorzea to show that he was still waiting for her to slip up. Drusilla investigated the murders that sounded suspicious like she did with Gridania but she only managed to catch his minions. Orcus probably slayed the most people in Ala Mhigo because an elite mark is named after him (like. they retconned the used name so it would be his namesake) and Drusilla wouldn’t be able to reach that area before Stormblood happened.

She wouldn’t accept payment since in her mind it’s her fault the murder had happened in the first place, so Drusilla would let herself be hired as an assassin for the people close to the Syndicate that could pay for her services to make ends meet. She never worked for the actual members because she didn’t want to risk being investigated thoroughly and becoming a public enemy which would ruin what she had built for the Lemures. By 1582 she had a reputation in the ul'dahn underworld but she was in no way infamous, and that’s how she liked it.

She told every member of the Lemures about her decades old conflict with Orcus. She wouldn’t want them to think she was tricking them into getting into something actually dangerous. No one left after they learned the risk. I think they romanticize her quite a bit after they knew of her crusade.

This is not about me romanticizing her 😳

About the reaper sidequest:

Orcus thought kidnapping Drusilla inside the Lemures’ base to get her and Taigat was worth leaving a huge trail to follow plus it was incredibly horrifying for everyone in the room.

In my timeline, the other scions need a lot of time to heal from being in the First so Taigat spent half of that time with Drusilla and when she was abducted they stayed with the Lemures to search for her without other distractions.

Orcus dragging her to Dusk Vigil at the reaper’s story’s climax always had those “it looks meaningful but maybe I’m reading too much into it” vibes because it's the closest thing Eorzea has to Garlemald’s climate and it has a story of failed rebellions against people who abuse their power, cannibalism and possession. Puts the mic on the reaper quest’s writer was this on purpose???? Please answer my emails and calls asap. Still Orcus sees it as the perfect setting to reenact Rullus’ death.

Anecdote intermission: First time I did the final mission I made Taigat cross the Coerthas Western Highlands from south to north in their Nightmare mount without flying. It felt so badass and I’ve done it the two times I’ve run through the storyline. (flying through that area looks like a nightmare anyway).

Taigat does go alone once they reach that point for the same conclusion as in canon: they’re the only one who can use magic and have combat abilities able to match Orcus. The Lemures are mostly civilians and the few exceptions have never seen close combat with that type of monster.

Insane to me that Orcus took out her eye. Anyway I made it so that he was mocking Taigat’s missing eye but also to taunt her about how she lost Arnegis so close to her base that she was losing sight of the real danger out there. Anyway we hate Orcus in this house, we kill him with hammers, we let Drusilla decapitate his musty ass.

Afterwards the Lemures insist a lot on doting her and letting her rest, sort of implying she should retire and they would take care of her. She’s like “why the hell would I retire” and keeps hunting voidsent that scare the nearby settlements when she feels better. Soon after the war ends and although the animosity against garleans won’t be gone for a long time they can be certain that at least one of their enemies is gone.

Now more specific Taigat and the voidsent blorbo headcanons:

Taigat had a lot of aetherical imbalances after absorbing the lightwardens and even while united with Ardbert their body wouldn’t get used to having a stronger leaning into the light aspect. I think the symptoms were fatigue and faintness along with prolonged pain from their old battle injuries. They also would not react as quickly as they were used to and wouldn’t reach their usual power levels with magic.

They didn’t want it to get out of control in the worst moment so they needed something that would grant them more dark aspected magic to compensate. Drusilla’s proposal was really interesting to them since they had already dealt with someone being inside their body and reaching a point of harmony with them.

Drusilla was hoping Taigat would attract a very powerful voidsent but instead they got one of the middling tier and she was a bit wary that it could drag them back during their training. She changed her mind when she watched them fight Orcus and how adequately they acted the first time they merged. Afterwards she suggests Taigat that they give it a bit more freedom to design a more powerful enshrouded form.

At first the voidsent didn’t talk much. That was because it had been eaten for a very, very, long time. No one listened to it and its sense of self was maladjusted so it took a while to get out of that mindframe. It understood that it was undertaking a covenant with Taigat, it just didn’t realize by then how many more privileges it would have in this new state.

It very much enjoys the freedom and the power that comes with being partnered with the warrior of light. In the beginning it got very excited easily. It might choose to never eat Taigat. No well, maybe it might. Well, not really. Maybe. noitwont. It just gets to bite them real hard, as a treat.

The voidsent loves to eat like an average living being and its favorite food are rolanberries, especially when Taigat cooks them into a pie just for it.

When they’re bored Taigat pulls the tips of their cloak and watches it wobble around in the air. It does that just to amuse them.

It always supports Taigat’s first impulses and more improper wishes. If they’re embarrassed maybe they should listen to that part of them that wants to run out of the room and cry where no one is watching. If they finally reunite with someone they missed a lot, they should run to them and hug them as much as they want, ignoring that they need to make a speech in front of the troops and there’s a battle ahead or that just isn’t the relationship they have with that person.

Maybe Fray would have liked the voidsent, once. Now he’s just bothered that Taigat will one day start listening to it and take it seriously so if the knight does appear he dismisses most of its ideas with a glare.

Taigat told it early on that they would be given it a name but when it felt ready to pick one for itself then it could choose a different one, following Viera tradition. Its name is Ageusia. For now.

The voidsent doesn’t care much for its new name but it answers when called. It enjoyed the act of being named more than having it.

Ageusia spent millenia being a part of Scathach and momentarily inside Diabolos Hollow when he absorbed her. It remembers some of their memories as if they were its own. It likes to pretend the acts of terror the nobility enacted were done by its own hand and it loves to exaggerate its influence over them. It has forgotten most of its life and who it was before the 13th fell to darkness.

In my timeline the Shadow of Mhach raids were done by Dyulgor, Taigat’s father, around 80 years before the beginning of ARR. Dyulgor was marked by the experience and he sort of inherited those injuries to Taigat, like shades in their souls to put it metaphorically. Both of them have a much easier time using dark aspected magic and in the voidsent’s senses they can wield a power similar to Scathach.

Ageusia was expelled from Hollow Diabolos’ body after his death and wandered the void with many difficulties. When Taigat bonded with their soulstone, Ageusia, who was just a leftover of Scathach, saw those shades in Taigat’s call, and itself reflected on them. That’s why it was a viable candidate for Taigat.

After the reaper storyline, Drusilla knew their path would take them back to Garlemald and there really wasn’t a better weapon she could give Taigat but her grandfather’s, the death sickle. She didn’t say it but she hoped that scythe would be the one to kill Solus’ heir and Taigat got the message. They have always wanted to impress her so they silently swore it would be done, truly this time around.

Taigat briefly thought about hiding the voidsent’s existence from others but they know they suck at lying and with the scions it gets worse, plus he just came back from surviving the consequences of Urianger and G’raha hiding things from the group so after Werlyt they just came out and told them.

Before that, the first person outside of the Lemures that he told was Cid, a bit after the Ruby Weapon had appeared in Ghimlyt Dark.

Still undecided about how Taigat tells Gaius but I’m leaning on Cid recommending they do not tell him because he was there when Rullus tried to kill Solus. The irony when they reach a point where everyone but him knows makes me smile like a shark. And it hurts because I’m thinking the ghost of Alfonse inside the diamond weapon is the one to tell him.

Ageusia is busy redesigning their enshrouded form inside Taigat’s body so they have to fight as a dragoon when dealing with the first three Ultima Weapons.

The first person they fought with their improved enshrouded form was Gaius and the diamond weapon. Ageusia got mad they couldn’t brag about how good they beat them. Taigat as expected, felt torn to shreds.

After Werlyt was free and the scions were back from the eorzean version of soul physiotherapy, Tataru made a little meet and greet party and all the scions got to shake the voidsent’s hand. It was awkward af and no one was too pleased but they couldn’t deny that Taigat looked much more healthy than the last time they had reunited.

Taigat’s enshrouded form looks very different in my imagination and to be honest I’m sometimes undecided about the details but the big themes in their look are sharp teeth, the moon and stained glass. Scathach is obviously an inspiration, as well as… Bloodborne’s Moon Presence. Here’s another inspiration. [body horror cw]

About Zenos:

Everyone and their grandma’s neighbor’s cat knows I don’t like Zenos but I do find him choosing to become a reaper interesting. The shb patches was the only time the story made me wish we could learn more about him and watching him blunder in ew was. Well... At least the possession quest was creepy. Because of his crazy scientist from Stormblood, not him. Whatever man I gave him a chance. You’re about to enter my hater’s dungeon… A bit. I just added a bunch of decor but his fate stays pretty much the same. Whom care.

Zenos picked the scythe because he knew a reaper was one of the first rebels to attempt to dethrone his great grandfather and the one that got closest to doing so. He thinks that reapers lost their strength by becoming covert assassins and if they had focused on honing their skills to fight against large groups of people they would have had the upper hand. The scythe is, after all, one of the weapons that causes the enemy as much damage and pain as fast as possible. And he finds it amusing that a tool meant to care for the land was transformed into a weapon of violence and fear. They wasted their power in his opinion.

Fandaniel shares with him more secrets the reapers kept to themselves and finds Rullus’ soulstone in the palace’s treasure vaults for him to use. Before Zenos makes a covenant Fandaniel tells him the chosen voidsent is one that is possibly their 13th counterpart from the same ancient’s soul and he offers to focus the call on the most powerful voidsent available. Zenos refuses and orders him to call for the strongest voidsent that mirrors the soul of Taigat. That turns out to be Zero.

Future lore wondering intermission: I will probably get contradicted on this but I do want Zero to be Azem’s shard in the 13th. I will be open to their explanation when the time comes because who would have guessed they could turn around Ardbert like that but if I don’t like it I have a backup plan. thx z-nos. For now these headcanons will treat Zero as part of Azem.

I think Fandaniel was very normal about finding out the Warrior of Light used to be his beloved Prometheus by enslaving a part of them to a man he thought was beneath him by virtue of being Emet Selch’s heir. Thousands of years later and he still manages to find ways to hurt Metti without even trying. He hides it though. He’s so fucking normal. (Hermes and Azem were together in my timeline)

Zenos’ control over Zero is much more violent and intentionally sadistic on his part than when a reaper makes a covenant with a treacherous voidsent. Here there are no similarities between the souls so Zero is forced to assimilate to his own, modifying her own body and spirit to somehow find a way to enshroud with him. If anything he’s the one possessing and designing her. She could never rebel against him. On the top three misogynist Zenos moments.

I think in the “choosing a weapon” scene he picked a scythe that was used as a trophy but Fandaniel forged him a completely new one built especially for him.

Zenos was thrilled when he was informed that by virtue of choosing to become a reaper he was offending Taigat and in the dinner scene the conversation takes a turn with Taigat not really controlling their anger well and screaming at the wall about how he’s bringing dishonor to the people who learned how to live with voidsent to protect the people they loved and that he’s nothing but a cosplayer. The garlean wall does not care.

In my timeline, Zenos in Taigat’s body does manage to get inside the Broken Glass Camp but given that he openly attacks Alisaie and G’raha (Alphinaud shields them quickly enough so they’re fine. healer W) they have a town shootout against Zenos. He could have won if he had learned how to sneak around. There are several dead and wounded but Maxima, the guy Fandaniel told Zenos to target since he’s the main advocate for garlean remnants, survives.

On to their final battle: Taigat eats him.

Ageusia takes several bites out of Zenos after he lands a few hits on Taigat (which amount to them not being cut in half only because the voidsent held them together) but once he’s defeated they do eat him. Fucked up fugue moment Taigat internalizes and doesn’t tell anyone about for months. It heals them just enough to not immediately drop dead. They should have stayed in bed with the best Sharlayan doctors nearby for months.

Now about the most recent history:

Zero could have outright consumed Ageusia and make Taigat blow up if she hadn’t been bonded to the most fucked up reaper in history for months. She has to deal with her own sundered essence and it takes a great deal of energy to heal herself bit by bit while also stopping Ageusia’s attempts to consume her. World’s worst food intoxication.

Reminding everyone that this is my house so Ultima Thule is actually Athena’s wrapped up dimension in outer space where nothing and no one gets out. Zero would have been trapped if Zenos had just been left there. This had to happen. I made it so oops.

Taigat didn’t know what was happening but their voidsent barely responded and soon enough it stopped being able to leave their body while the viera felt pain through it. Despite the long period of repose they feel weaker and weaker.

The only one they told about it was Gaius. How the tables turned…

When things get much, much worse they leave Terncliff (don’t ask them what they were doing on Terncliff, don’t tell them they should be in Sharlayan, don’t remind them there’s probably a rescue team searching all over Eorzea going crazy just for them) and just tear themselves open with a knife, where their liver is.

You all have watched the first silent hill movie right? Of course you have. Huge thing for me. And literally no one else. Anyway, the way Rose gets stabbed on purpose to let Alessa inside the church? Big inspiration.

Instead of blood, Zero’s essence comes out, slowly remaking herself into the corrupted form Zenos gave her. She’s just as weak as Taigat so when Gaius finds them he easily slays Zero, which sends her back to the void.

Drusilla couldn’t even imagine that Taigat would encounter a reaper so close to their power level so she didn’t tell them about the possible cannibalism situation. She did tell them not to lose their nerve if they were in a dire situation and the voidsent took a bite from their enemies, but not that it could happen to them. She felt terrible after Taigat asked her about it, months later.

Before that however, they brought back Rullus’ scythe and his soulstone as a gift, which Drusilla appreciated very much. Taigat fulfilled their little wish of impressing her. *final fantasy victory tune*. The Lemures made a little homecoming party and celebrated Drusilla having a part of her grandfather back. It’s sweet to me that, outside of Fray and his unique situation, Drusilla is the mentor Taigat feels closest to.

And that’s most of it! If you went through all that, thank you for reading!

#oc: taigat #rel: hurt suffer heal #caracora

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ttcalzz · 1 month ago

Text

Doing this all at once!!

Warning ‼️ novel below

1. Stats

Cw: 143.5lbs 🥲

hw/sw: 165lbs 😧

ugw: 127lbs

2. Height: 5’ 8”. And I would say I do like my height!

I loveeee how small her waist is and how all around slim and toned she is!! She’s also my height so it makes pics of her even more motivating!

4. I really don’t wanna lose my ass 😭😭 I barely have one to begin with! Also I’m scared I’ll slow my metabolism down so I can’t maintain my ugw

5. I am losing weight for me. I want to lose weight because I’m tired of feeling a double chin when I look down, or having to wear “control top” (barf) leggings under skirts so they look right. I want to be totally confident and comfortable in the body I carve out for myself.

6. I do binge sometimes, mostly out of a sense of loss of control. When I’m really in a tailspin, and I can’t focus, food fills the void. I always feel worse.

7. My parents do not know! They know I’ve had an 3d “in the past” so I am keeping this very much under wraps

8. I don’t really have a routine per say, I just do whatever I feel like doing, but I usually do something like

- Clamshells (60 seconds each side)

- 80 squats

- 30 lunges (each side)

- bridges until failure for 2 sets and then pulse and hold until failure for one set

- 3 supersets of 10 reg crunches, 10 crunches w legs in an L shape, 10 crunches with legs straight up, and 15 leg raises.

- 10 pushups (as many standard as possible, then assisted/on knees)

- 60 second plank

- Stretching

9. Kinda. The earliest I can remember is being veryyy little in the pool with my little sister and her asking why my belly was bigger than hers. I didn’t even know what fat meant at that point but it hurt like hell. When I was a little older, I remember my grandma giving me advice on losing belly fat ☹️ like girl pls. My family has commented negatively on my weight loss before though, my dad is convinced I’m “super skinny” and “need to put some weight on”. I’m literally completely healthy?? Girl bffr.

10. The hardest thing? Probably how weak I feel. I know that’s just the way losing weight goes, and it does validate me, but I’ve always been rly strong so losing some of that muscle mass as I lose weight has been hard bc I can’t do as much as I was able to before. Planning to pack muscle on as much as possible anyways bc it makes you look skinnier

11. My fav th!nsp0 blog is probably @c0ke-zer0 , the stuff they post is so motivating 🥰

12. Lately, I’ve been drinking a lot of Fairlife protein shakes (chocolate flav my beloved) and eating saltines w hot sauce (I know it’s weird but it works). I also really enjoy salads, fruit, dumplings, rice, and 0 cal energy drinks. I will eat pretty much anything, I don’t really have fear foods, I just eat a very small portion and try to eat the most of whatever is lowest calorie/highest protein

13. I’m definitely not losing weight in a super healthy way, but it isn’t the worst? I’m hoping to actually maintain my UGW afterwards so I don’t wanna totally fuck my body up rn.

14. My ugw is around 125-130, I know weight fluctuates and my actual ugw is like 128 but it’s never gonna be exactly that every day. I’m hoping to reach it before the end of November! I only have like 13.5 lbs to go!!

15. Nope! I am not vegan or vegetarian, and I don’t think I could do either. Chicken and tuna are such good low cal/high protein foods, I could never give them up.

16. The first time I ever remembered really wanting to lose weight was when I was around 15? My best friend had an 3d and I remember googling it to see what it was and finding tumblr and…. It was all downhill from there 😭 can’t believe I’ve been dealing w this shit for so long bro I need to lose the weight and get tf out.

17. I am not diagnosed with any eating disorders butttt I definitely have disordered eating? If I were to get diagnosed it would probably be something along the lines of 4n@ or 0rthø

18. Anything salty and crunchy 🥹🥹 I will go through a whole bag of takis so fast it’s not even funny. Been avoiding chips as much as possible for this. Also candy if it’s just around? I used to have a really bad habit of just eating mindlessly. I don’t even have a sweet tooth idk why I wouldn’t just control myself. That’s not really any issue anymore tho

19. I work at a fast food-ish place, but I didn’t really eat my last shift so I guess it would have been about 2 weeks ago? Usually when I get something from there I steer clear of the “fast food” offerings and take a banana or a yogurt.

20. My favorite diet is high protein, under 1000 cals. After that idc, I try to eat more healthy than junk foods, but like I said I’ll pretty much take one bite of anything.

21. Clothing sizes

Pants: 4 💔

Shirt: small

Dress: small/medium

I always buy sweatshirts and stuff in xxxl sizes though.

22. My lowest weight was 138 lbs. it was right before a family vacation, so I couldn’t get away with not eating. I ended up gaining back some of the weight and then “recovering” aka gaining all the weight back only to be unhappy and come back to this.

23. Definitely!! I totally remember seeing magazines talking about how fat celebs were and at 10 years old thinking “but I look like that” and generally growing up, skinnier was prettier and better always.

24. i think it’s disgusting. Pr04n4 content is what made me develop this 3d in the first place. It’s one thing to post abt your struggles and seek community, it’s a whole other thing to glorify it and try to make OTHERS sicker???

25. Yes, I have purged before. I don’t do it often. But the first time i was 16 and my family had gotten Taco Bell, I ate like 2.5 burritos and felt sick with myself so I threw up in my trashcan bag and threw it away outside. Horrible memory.

26. I’m so excited to be confident in my skin!! And look great in all the outfit ideas I have planned 🥹 I also can’t wait to have a partner but I don’t see that happening until I lose this weight. When that does happen, I love being picked up and carried or tossed around, so being light enough that it isn’t a burden for my partner. I also can’t wait to have someone pick me up and go “omg you’re so light” or hug me and say “you feel so skinny, did you lose weight??

27. Honestly it doesn’t bother me too much, I work around food all the time so I just sorta go into a work mindset: look, touch, don’t eat. Food is for preparing, food is for serving to others, food is not for eating.

28. Not necessarily! I think it looks nice on a body type with wide enough hips, but on me I think i would have to be skinnier than I want to be in order to have one. Besides that (VERY CONTROVERSIAL) I don’t mind bigger thighs BECAUSEEE they support ass 🫡

29. For me, beauty is when someone or something is fully expressing itself to all it can be. A performance, a flower bloom, a genuine laugh. It doesn’t really matter what those things look like, as long as they form that direct bridge to the soul and show a glimpse of yourself to the world.

30. 10 facts about myself

- I can’t stand cucumber or celery

- I’m in school for psychology

- my birthday is soon!!

- I do art

- I have one younger sister and she’s my world

- I have 2 pets! A cat and a dog

- I love blue and green

- my eyes are brown

- im in multiple f4nd0ms (c3ns0r3d so this doesnt come across n0rm4l túmbIř

- I had a hardcore middleschool emo/kpop phase (yes at the same time)

#⭐️rving #anabllrr #4nor3xia #tw skipping meals #⭐️ ing motivation #3d memes #tw 3d shit #tw disordered thoughts #light as a feather #@na dairy #@na shit #@na motivation #tw thinspi #thiinspp #thin$po #thinps0 #tt talks 💛

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