#and before anyone says I’m talking about NT kids

[aregularhuman]

idk if this is controversial but is the neurodivergent label actually helpful outside of activism? like as an allistic adhd person i only relate occasionally to autistic people (mainly sensory issues tbh or social stuff but then again i have mad anxiety) n p much not at all to dyslexic/dyspraxic/etc people (the question of whether ocd n bpd are considered neurodivergencies is another question). but i keep seeing videos n stuff about ‘nd traits’ or ‘calling all nds’ and it seems like it’s become a quirky shorthand mainly used by autistic/audhd people that doesn’t feel like it includes nd allistics? im not saying everything should be focused around me me me, just that if you mean autistic just say autistic rather than neurodivergent.

I guess this kinda ties in with the whole (saw a tiktok and did no actual research) self diagnosis/quirkification of nd + mental illness online. (I’m v much pro informed self dx bc of costs n accessibility n consequences of having an official dx esp for autistics w housing n kids). I also think even if ur diagnosed making light hearted ‘put a finger down nd edition’ videos should b done w caution bc they often inadvertently contribute to the trivialisation of the struggles faced by nd ppl. you have to be aware of who your content reaches- tt/ insta is v different from tumblr/reddit lol.

and while I’m on this rant I hate the ‘neurotypical bad and complicated, neurodivergent good and direct’ narrative too. neither is good nor bad, just different. you gotta find your people because no one owes it to you to change their entire communication style just for you. just like I have to make an effort to do small talk etc with nts I have to focus on what I’m saying and explicitly spell out certain things when talking to my autistic friends. I understand people are hurt by nts being unaccepting and actually ableist and so go into this ‘I’m special and better than them’ mindset but it’s just not helpful imo.

I also feel like nd people find it hard to accept that you can be hella annoying and people finding you annoying isn’t ableist. I can be annoying as fuck and I try not to be- instead of going ‘ugh I can’t help interrupting people all the time and never letting them finish a thought- they’re being ableist’, I try n number the ideas I’m having and wait for the other person to finish or say ‘hey can I quickly add something before I forget and then you can continue’ and listen if they tell me to hold on a sec. relationships are about compromise n that’s not ableist.

maybe it’s just me not feeling like I fit in the ‘adhd is a gift’ narrative or the neurodivergent movement. I hate having adhd and would do anything to not have it. I do struggle to call it a disability tbh but I accept that that’s partially internalized ableism bc I can temporarily convince myself that I can function unmedicated n then I have exams n I fall apart…

anyway if anyone has thoughts pls do lmk

[iminsomanyfandomsitscrazy]

So this is the first time I’ve been able to go on Tumblr to talk about HOTD (and the first time in a week, so it kinda looks like I only blog abt HOTD), and oh my…

1st, I can’t believe that last week I was defending Criston, when he’s turned into an absolute monster and asshole (and tho he HAS spent the last decade around Alicent, like that’s still no excuse). And Rhaenyra wasn’t the one to break his heart; he was, and even tho he’s loyal to Alicent and has spent the last decade w/ her, he’s really out here calling Rhaenyra a spider and c*nt.

2nd, oh mY GOD, is Alicent a MONSTER!!!! I knew she’d be pretty horrible, but oh my god, she’s horrible!!!

3rd, after watching that first scene, I DARE YOU to look me in the eyes and tell me women aren’t the strongest people ever. Here Rhaenyra was, giving birth (one of the most painful things you can go through), and then, of course, Alicent immediately wants to see the child, and Rhaenyra, being the BAMF that she is, STANDS UP AND STARTS TO GET DRESSED BEFORE SHE’S EVEN DELIVERED THE PLACENTA!!!! AND THEN SHE WALKS A GREAT DISTANCE THROUGH THE CASTLE TO GRT TO ALICENT’S ROOMS!!! (And I gotta admit, when watching this, I was in awe, and I was like “here she is, she gave birth a minute ago, she’s still bleeding and she should be resting, but since she’s stronger than anyone else, she’s still going to Alicent’s rooms” - and I gotta say, I thought it was odd that we weren’t seeing a trail of blood behind her, and I thought it was funny that we only saw the trail of blood behind her after she said “you’re not the one bleeding”

4th, I’m confused about how her kids all have jet black hair, bc as far as we’ve seen, the Old Valyrian White Hair gene is the dominant one… The only other time we’ve seen a Targaryen w/ black hair is Jon, and that’s because he did have a 1/4 chance of having black hair, and thankfully he did, so Ned could pass him off as his bastard.

5th, I love that here Alicent was going “oh, I wouldn’t protect my kid if she was having bastard kids”, but she’s also out there refusing to admit that her oldest is a troublemaker.

6th, I do find it interesting Aemon doesn’t yet have a dragon, tho Alicent’s comment abt how “it’s weird that Rhaenyra’s kids have dragons” makes no sense, bc just like Alicent’s kids, Rhaenyra’s kids are 1/2 Targaryen, and the only diff is that Rhaenyra’s kids get their Targaryen-ness from their mom…

7th, I also love that in the last ep we all fell in love w/ Harwin Strong, and in the 10 yrs since 1x05, Rhaenyra has as well! (Also, the fact that it was just Harwin, proves that Rhaenyra isn’t going around having affairs with dozens of men, but instead she falls in love w/ someone, & then stays with them — something I thought when Criston last ep was like “you want me to be one of your whores!” And I was like, “no, you’d be her lover”).

8th, Larys really is the Littlefinger of this court, and now has something over Alicent. Instead of being the person at court who knows everything & is on Alicent’s side, he now has his father and brother’s deaths over her.

————-

Also something from 1x05 that I kept on seeing after last ep and I don’t think I mentioned, Rhaenyra didn’t betray Alicent???? She told Alicent the truth: that she didn’t fuck Daemon. She didn’t say “I didn’t fuck anyone”, she said “I didn’t fuck Daemon”. And even if she had lied and said she hadn’t fuck anyone the night before, Alicent has no right to be salty about it after all the times she’s betrayed Rhaenyra.

[whydoiwrite]

Did you see what Carli and HAO had to say about the NT after the game on Thursday? Do you agree?

Part 1:

Yes. I’m not going to comment on midfield shape etc. re HAO, mainly because I left at halftime and didn’t watch the second half of the game. I’ll say that JJ hid a lot of defensive problems for the team while still being able to spark the offense, and Vlatko hasn’t bothered to change tactics in response to losing her, but I’m tired to analyzing stupidity so that’s that on that, and at this point, I would look somewhere not Andi and I’m not kidding about that somewhere being Emily Sonnett or Crystal Dunn in midfield.

I’ve said what Carli said plenty of time privately and possibly publicly on this site, but here we go again.

Everyone saying they won in spite of Jill never knew what they were talking about. Jill, and Pia, created the training environment they needed to have the mentality to pushed them over the edge. Running them until they were about to break. Never letting them feel secure in their position. You’ve heard Kelley talk about players puking in training and Becky talk about how she felt one bad long ball away from being benched. Yes, Jill was wrong about say Christen for example, but she was wrong about very little. So much of the bitterness towards her comes from things I will always believe were out of her control (Pinoe kneeling, the way Hope was treated, even things she’s being blamed for now ie knowledge of abusive nwsl coaches) because she was under USSF’s thumb. She knew how to be hard when she needed to, she experimented when it was appropriate, she played players where they needed to play regardless of their feelings, she got rid of players that just weren’t it even if their friend and the fans didn’t like it, she admitted (with actions) when she was wrong, and she was soft when she needed to be, with people like Rose, for example, and with bringing Sonnett back in, because she saw the big picture. So yeah, maybe tactically and technically, Tony et al. deserve a lot of credit, but like Carli said, and I hate agreeing with her, you have to know that, mentality is way more important than soccer sometimes. When you’re talking about the elite level, you’re going to see very little difference in the technical side of the game amongst top teams, but it was not a mistake that the US scored in the what? first ten minutes or less of every WC ‘19 game until the final. That was a direct result of the way she coached them, the intensity and fire and “we will fucking destroy anyone in our path,” and “we need a bitch, get Kelley,” mentality that they had. And that came before Jill, too. Tony DiCicco didn’t give a shit, he was a hard ass. You’ve seen what Anson Dorrance has done for literal decades because he makes every single aspect of his program a competition AND posts results publicly. Kelley was about to lose her shit on press members over their doubts about Alyssa. Say what you want about Sonnett, but she would force someone to carry her off the field before she let her team down. Horan gets it, you see her playing through an injury that she shouldn’t be. Alex and Crystal get it. Pinoe’s aging body get it. Player after player after player from the beginning of time til 2019 has thrown their body around and played through pain and pushed as harder than they actually could because of the way they love each other. That fight for each other (or in Carli’s case, for herself) has pushed them over the edge. But that fight is embedded in training, and like I have said before, Jill gave those players a reason to bond (their hatred of her) so they could fight for each other. They were overprepared, in every aspect, for the 2019 WC, and I don’t mean overprepared like fucking planned subs.

Not be being told I ran out of room with my pre-7am rant. Hold please.

[sunset-synthetica]

hey i just wanted to say, i’m sorry for the hate you’re getting over that post. i didn’t understand what you meant until i came to your blog, but even before that, i never thought you were being malicious or hateful. i know it’s hard when you’re young and you don’t understand where you fit, especially when you’re ND and always surrounded by people who don’t seem to understand you.

it’s really shameful that tumblr has decided that an ND teenager expressing their frustrations about socializing with NT people has blown up and turned into tumblr users sending hate to a kid. maybe you could have worded things a little better, but it is NOT your fault that people are being so horrible about it.

if no one has said this to you yet, things will get easier as you get older. you’ll find people who understand you, learn how to better communicate with people different from you, and learn how to tell when those other people don’t actually want to understand you so you shouldn’t waste your time with them. i know “it gets better” is such a cliche, but i remember being an adhd + autistic teenager who felt very alone. i just want you to know that tumblr assholes are worthless, and you’re not always going to feel so isolated. i hope you have a lovely day!

I hope you have a lovely day too. And yeah, I guess it will get better, but it's still just... Frustrating to have to live with family members whom I don't understand and who do not seem to understand me. Communication goes both ways and everyone who's ever met me knows that I have issues in that field, but I truly do not think the issue is as simple as me being a bad listener or talking too much.

I just never expected a post that, while not being worded perfectly (which you're completely correct about), wasn't trying to antagonize or upset anyone would lead to this. You learn something new everyday I guess.

[fierceawakening]

@ceanothusspinosus Yeah, it’s definitely an NT social script, and I find it weird and offputting because it’s like… yet another thing where the content and function of the conversation don’t line up? Like the layers of moralizing are right there but it’s rude to refuse to engage with them in the context of the conversation or often to talk about them explicitly. At least some of that ED recovery glossary should also probably include the function of the common NT food/diet scripts that they’re trying to counter. :P

YES. If I knew what people were countering it would help immensely.

Like, I did not know “intuitive eating” had a specific meaning. I just knew that when I was a kid and I was sick or something, if I said, “I’m craving ice cream but I don’t know if I should eat it when I’m sick,” my dad would make ice cream and say, “your body knows what it needs. If you want ice cream, your body is saying it’s ready for ice cream.” That’s what t thought that phrase meant.

And the problem there? My dad and mom are fat. (My mom not as much now, see below. But mom always was and Dad got larger as he’s aged.)

This isn’t bad or evil or wrong of them! They just are! But it does mean I’m suspicious of “your body will tell you what it needs” from someone who persistently struggles with overeating, high blood pressure, heart issues, etc. It was fine when I was eight and hungry after semi fasting from sick, and I’d probably still do something like that after semi fasting from sick! But it wasn’t generally good advice.

ESPECIALLY given family history. My mom has started, fairly recently, eating a lot less. I was concerned about this as I know sharp diet changes are rough on people and sudden appetite changes can be medical bad signs.

What she told me though was that she has become better able to tell “what full feels like,” and that understanding this cue makes her not want a lot of food. She says she consulted her doctor and asked about it and her doctor believes that she really did somehow just notice the cue when she didn’t before, so it’s okay. Good even.

And I, who have not felt full since before puberty, hold out the hope I’ll grok it too. But I didn’t know intuitive eating as others use the phrase implies knowing you’re full. I didn’t think anyone did!i thought the whole reason people are generally getting fatter was that processed food heavy diets make it difficult to sense and heed that cue!

(Which is why the moralizing is weird to me. If people are intentionally fucking with our detection systems to make more money by selling us craving inducing food in bulk, it’s not our fault they’re faulty, it’s the people doing the fucking with’s fault.)

So when people said “try intuitive eating” I was just like “yeah, more ice cream. So?” When they actually meant they know their cue already and can follow it, like my mom can now and like I hope I’ll learn to.

[knickynoo]

I loved your recent post about Marty and his ADHD! It was soo spot on. And, I saw in the tags that you mentioned Alex Keaton and how you believe he’s not neurotypical either. Care to elaborate? Do you have any headcanons about neurodivergent™ Alex? I’d love to hear your thoughts! :)

Oh, hey, thank you! Marty having ADHD seems to be one of the most common headcanons in the fandom, so that post was a lot of fun to work on.

As far as Alex goes...yes, I will elaborate, BUT I'm putting it under a cut because ya girl is really going to E L A B O R A T E.

I've mentioned before that I think Alex's overall personality/demeanor comes from a variety of different places. Some parts of who he is are likely caused by all the pressure put on him to be a high achiever, due to being so academically gifted from a young age. Other parts are due to being overly coddled and spoiled by Elyse and Steven. Still, there's probably a part of Alex that genuinely enjoys being difficult and getting a rise out of people. Then, there's the obvious anxiety he struggles with, which even MJF has talked about in some interviews when discussing how he approached playing a guy like Alex.

"Giftedness" & anxiety are already included under the umbrella of neurodiversity but in Alex's case, I actually think there's even more to it than that. Yeah, Alex is a funny character whose actions/words are so often played for laughs. He can also be a really irksome character when he's dishing out the sarcasm and being selfish. But I also can't help but look at Alex and think, This guy is just so not NT and he is struggling, somebody Help Him. And since Alex P. Keaton is one of my favorite characters AND I love to analyze/ do deep dives AND the topic of neurodiversity is a particularly strong interest of mine... well, here you go....

Mans is autistic.

• Difficulty with social cues and "reading the room". Seriously, there are so many instances of everyone around him all being on the same page about something or dealing with something serious, and Alex walks in and just proceeds to miss every single cue people throw his way. Two scenes that pop into my head, in particular, are the Reflective Pajamas one and the Clam Puff one, lol.

• He frequently struggles with putting himself in other people's shoes: Alex is certainly shown to be a compassionate person. He can recognize when people are hurting and will do the right thing, but sometimes he needs some help to get there. It seems that a lot of the time, all he knows is how he feels or thinks about something, and it doesn't occur to him that another person could be experiencing it differently. Then, once Steven, Elyse, Ellen, etc, break the situation down for him and explicitly say things like, Hey, that person's feelings are hurt because... or Here is the exact reason this person is angry... Alex is finally able to connect the dots, which usually leads to him being like, I hadn't ever thought about that/ I didn't mean it. (Of course, there are also times where Alex is just purposely being a jerk, but I'm not focusing on those)

• Specific, intense interests: Politics & economics, obviously. It's made well-known that Alex has been completely fixated on these two areas since he was a toddler. He's prone to enthusiastic, overly detailed discourse on the topics and either doesn't care or can't pick up on when people are growing bored at listening to him.

• Also, can we talk about how it's established that Alex's favorite toy as a little kid was a box? Like, he carried it everywhere, played with it, slept with it, and was devastated when it fell apart. Idk, I know kids can be attached to random objects, but it's just interesting that Alex is noted as having been enamored with a box. I'm just picturing little Alex, ignoring all the toys he has in favor of just sitting and staring at a box, and his parents are like, Yeah, this is normal.

• Highly intelligent, bordering on genius/prodigy (He was doing long-division at like, 3 years old) but has difficulty connecting with peers & making friends: This is most prominently shown in "A, My Name is Alex," where we see glimpses of various events in his childhood. In the scene where Alex meets Greg, we learn that Alex spends recess inside, helping the teacher plan her lessons rather than going out to socialize with his classmates. He's bewildered at Greg's invitation to come play, meaning he likely spent the majority of his childhood on his own due to being considered an outcast by his peers and just generally relating more easily to adults. (He also mentions taking night classes at a local college at age SEVEN. So like. If the long-division story and night class thing are taken to be actual facts of Alex's childhood...we're looking at something similar to hyperlexia/hypernumeracy here. This kid must have been bored out his mind having to sit through elementary school if he was that advanced)

• Very literal at times/ misses sarcasm: Interestingly enough, APK is very fond of being sarcastic but doesn't do so well when he's on the receiving end of it. Someone will make a joke or spin the sarcasm towards him for once, and he'll either just stare blankly like ???? or smile/thank them and they're like, Yeah, that wasn't a compliment, or, I was kidding.

• Black and white/ inflexible thinking: This might be the biggest one. Alex is super concerned with rules and ensuring that everyone is following them correctly. There's right and there's wrong, with no gray areas or middle ground as far as he's concerned. My favorite instance of this is in the episode where the family goes to visit Steven's mother and Rob, Alex's uncle, is telling a story of how Steven got in trouble as a kid for refusing to put his name in the upper right corner of his test papers. Everyone around the table laughs...except for Alex, who is deeply troubled by the information.

Just...Steven's delivery. The way he pauses and stares at Alex before replying with a ridiculous punishment that obviously didn't happen, but Alex shows no signs of being aware of or amused at the joke and is just glad his father faced the consequences of his actions. It's great, and a prime example of Alex's preoccupation with "the rules."

Another good example (& one that crosses into the empathy category as well) is "Big Brother is Watching", where Alex exposes a cheating scandal at school (that involves Mallory) and then can't wrap his mind around why everyone is angry at him when he gets the students who were involved suspended. He spends half the episode saying things like, But cheating is wrong. It's wrong and I told the truth about it. I did what's right. You (Steven) told me to always tell the truth, which I did. WHY PEOPLE ANGRY???

And so Steven has to basically spell it out and be like, You got those students suspended, Alex. They are upset with you because of this. They were exposed publically, which embarrassed them, and people tend to not like being embarrassed.

And Alex is like, Oh.

• Repetitive behavior/movements: Most often seen when Alex is distressed or scared, his mannerisms definitely stand out in many scenes. He paces, taps his foot/bounces his leg, rubs his hands together or over his lap, rocks back and forth, and avoids eye contact. I made a post about this a short while back because it really is interesting (and a testament to how well the character was played). There are moments where Alex is completely confident and "calm", and you can see that reflected in the way he carries himself. But whenever he's upset or anxious, you'll start to notice a variety of the things listed above.

So. Yeah. All these things considered...I headcanon Alex as possibly being autistic?? Which is not a take I've ever seen anyone else mention (and I seriously doubt anyone working on the show had this angle in mind at all) but watching through the series, my radar just goes off when it comes to APK.

I have no idea how this will be received. (If anyone even reads it because wow, this got away from me).

Thanks for the ask. As you may be able to tell, I enjoyed being able to spew out my thoughts.

[kristalpepsi]

Temptation Stairway Thoughts™ + Theory Discussion

TW: blood + Death mentions, Implied (forced/pushed) integration (systems), racism (against asians), unreality stuff bc the show is Like That, Trauma causd by therapy

TL;DR = I mainly talk about implied integration, n as some1 in a system tht! mkes me uncomfy! I mainly will talk abt wht I’m calling the multi-ena theory (n anothr theory ill call the Multiple/Multi-Enaverse Theory) thts been popping up n disccng how thts kind of the bggst thng keepng me on board! I won’t LIE I might b a little biased bc I rlly do like thise show b I am NOT blind so I will try 2 address som things. I also talk alot abt the Shepard n Phindol bc I love themb so much they make me very heart Big.

DISCLAIMERS:

Obviously Joel G Highkey/definitely/most probbly did not intend 4 any of thise, but media is very complic8d so u cn end up accidntlly making problmtc things or implyng not great things

I hav a typing quirkkkk so if u cant understand my post I rlly dont blame u! I’m sorry how I type is Incomprehensible™

Not an angry post, more like my brain is holding me host-ge until i talk abt everyth dskfjhd!!

DO NOT Send anyone in thise post hate or angry asks/messages or perish by my sword

OK so this recnt episde has me w vry vry mixd feelngs!!! I’m both happy n exctd! b litrlly 2 things is whts bothrng me. While I CLD jst say :I Am Lookng Away: i rlly do need 2 write it down. Under a Read-more bc im secure SKSJ

Part 0: I’m uncomfortable help

The Section wher i tlk abt n bring up othr ppl’s concerns

So fr most if nt all the frnds I hav who also wtch Ena ALSO has a vry “vr vry mixd feelngs now tht I’ve seen the episde!!” mood twrds Temptation Stairway! It’s 4 a bunch of rsns, like thise post (tw racism) mde by a frnd whch brings up a good point

Part 1: The Actual Intro

Episode 1 = Auction day (AD) Episode 2 = Extinction Party (EP) Episode 3 = Tempation Stairway (TS)

Who is Ena

Ena can b describd as an "abstract girl split in half, w 1 blue side n the other is her yellow side!" Each side (emotion/mood, 2 b specific) seems 2 hav their own voic actor credited along with seper8 credits 4 each mood! So far the canon sides r Ena (happy), Ena (sad), n Ena (drunk)! They seem 2 act accordingly: Happy acts happy n optimistc, Sad acts sad n especlly depressd, n Drunk acts confused n dizzy [In the Credits, it would look like thise: Ena (happy) by Gabe V., Ena (sad) by Lizzie Freeman, (drunk) Ena by Sam Meza

4 Episodes 1-2, thy follow thise pattern exctly! So we cn expect wht 2 see from them, n each voice actor is creditd accordngly as seper8 b all a part of Ena

On epside 3, Ena is seen as actng diffrnt!! She's suddnly less predictabl! I say thise bc Suddenly, her voic Actors r not stuck 2 Only their sides. Thise is also emphasized when looking at the credit list! No longer is it "Ena (happy) by Gabe V., Ena (sad) by Lizzie Freeman" it's now jst "ENA by Gabe V. and Lizzie Freeman"

Happy's voic can sound STRESSED n sad, Happy can tlk w Blue's side in mor control n Sad's voic can sound Really happy n optimistic. Somth's Diffrnt n Not The Same

Temptation Stairway Summary

Skipping 2 my point, The summary of the episode Temptation stairway is tht Moony and Ena have a bet 2 race 2 the Great Runas! The Great Runas, can grnt u any wish accordng 2 Moony n som of those Ena passes by on the wy. The wager, is tht "whoever reaches the top of the Great Runas n makes their wish 1st, has 2 pay the debts of the loser" (yes it’s phrased like that) As Ena journeys thru, The DIFFERENCES between Ena Temptation Stairway and Ena Extinction Party n Below, is mor obvious as the epsde progrsses, even 2 wher Happy's voic actor is the 1 screamng in agony 2 jst get murdered already. The Episode ends w Moony beatng Ena (but it's 100% possibl it can be the other way arnd, that ENA Beat Moony, b thats somth I'll discuss in a bit L8r). Moony splits in half, revealing that according 2 her, "she wished 2 be skinny" n a humanoid coms out of her previous form. As 4 Ena, Her blue side slowly dispprs n its not answrd why.

Theories so far, are:

Moony wished 4 Ena 2 b happy (or 4 her sad/blu side 2 go awy. 4 wht reason can b eithr wholsom or 2 Moony's advntge [like so she "doesnt have 2 deal w Sad Ena"]) - b if Moony wished 4 Ena 2 b happy/b rid of her sad side, tht wld mean perhaps she lied about wishing 2 be skinny (her new humanoid form may be how she is "paying her debt 2 the loser"). Unless the Runas can grant u more than 1 wish.

Ena ws the 1 who wished her blu side awy, whch is a little depressng tbh

If both the above r tru, it may b possibl bc it wsnt clarified (afaik) tht the great runas can only grant ONE person a wish (or more). I think we only get tht implica8ion bc we see 1 (open) door while in the distance, ther r more doors tht look like their eyes r closed. We hav 2 remembr Moony said "whoever makes their wish 1st whch means Ena n Moony can totlly mke wishes @ the sme time

Somhow, turning pure yellow/only happy is how Moony is payng her debt 2 Ena(??) (opposite 2 the 1st theory)

OR If Ena won the race, it can even b possibl 2 consider tht Ena did not make ANY wish, n her debt 2 pay 2 Moony is her sad/blue side removed (I do not subscribe 2 thise) 

This info that was brought up 2 me is high evidenc that Moony won the race, n it explains how Moony surprises Ena whn Ena arrives. “I’m The Best and you’re the worst! I wonder who got the hair chest?” said by Ena, is a direct reference 2 a phrase usd by kids when they lose that goes “First is the worst, second is the best, third is the one with the hairy chest.”

“Whoever reaches the top of the Great Runas n makes their wish 1st, has 2 pay the debts of the loser.“ Might be phrased tht way as a weird way 2 pay 4 ur greed? (Last minute addition from me since some people wld think this is quoted wrong in and outside of the youtube comments)

i'm p sure ther may even b mor theories b i dont rmmbr them OOPS

Part 2: The Implied Integration Part AKA: How the System!Ena theory is affected by this episode

TW: Final fusion discussion, medical trauma (Is that the right word)

Disclaimer: This is 100% unintended by Joel G. That’s y the Alternative title 2 thise part is “How the System!Ena theory is affected by this episode”

2 GET IN2 the whole Implied Integr8ion part of my Essay™ I hav a theory calld system ena or sys!ena! (Check out my #system ena tag. This is in chronologicl order!) While thers no canon explan8ion 4 how Ena herslf is how she is, she mkes very intrstng n almst good accdntl Sys Represent8ion 2 me! They even show cofronting rlly well! I headcanon Ena as a system bc of the accidentl system!rep, but it explains 2 me y n how she switches! she has triggers 4 when she switchs 2 a diffrnt side, etc!

Ther hav been theories about Temptation Stairway in the past (before the episode cme out) wher ppl try 2 explain y the trailer Looks Like Tht. Besides theorizing abt the introduction of a new forme (I'm ok w just calling it Scared/Anxiety 4 now until 4rthr notic), 1 of the theories ive seen is tht Temptation Stairway's new introduced forme is due 2 being something akin 2 being "integr8d" (probably by force, accordin 2 the OP) (in other words, all her sides merge in2 one) n Ena being devast8td abt it

While tht theory is now DEBUNKED, bc the new forme clearly did not come out bc of being One Single Mind now, the "integr8ion" part of tht theory is unfortun8ly a littl tru

What is Integr8ion?

Integr8ion is not inherently a bad thing. In systems, ther are 2 definitions: "the breaking down of barriers 2 form healthy multiplicity, n then healthy communic8ion n less amnesiac barriers" and the othr, n mor FAMOUS definition bc its the oldest 1, is "final fusion"

Fnal Fusion is when all the members "fuse/merge" 2gether until ther is 1 single mind left. While not necssrlly a bad thng, final fusion n ther4 "integr8ion" is a scry thing 4 a lot of systems 2 talk abt, because in the history of Treatment, Final fusion is uslly somthng forcd on2 systems 4 the longest time :^(

Very valid 2 hav final fusion as a goal, b showng it as a desire n end goal is uslly seen as a sad n even scry thing 2 promote accdntly or not in media, bc of the previous traumas in the medicl/therapy world of system treatment etc

What's Worse. is tht if we apply the Ending 2 Temptation Stairway to the System!Ena Theory, thts wht hurts!!!

Scrolling back up 2 the possibl theories of who won the race and wht happened aftr, Either Moony or Ena wishing 4 the blue side/Sad Ena 2 go awy is rlly painful!

B I'll be honest, thts a RLLY biased n personal opinion i hav!! I've seen ppl think its rlly wholsom altho a bit Sad, tht the blue side disappears. I've seen ppl think its rlly sweet esp if it was Moony who mde tht wish

BSCLLY If I were to hold on2 the System!Ena headcanon while watchng the Temptation Stairway episode, its Hurtful, not rlly bc of the implied Integr8ion of Sides, but bc most top theories r that the blue side disappeard on Purpose either from Moony or Ena wishing her away or involvng the debt! It's like asking 4 ur sibling irl 2 Disappear and cease 2 exist. it's scary n rlly sad esp whn the audienc can c tht Sad, Happy, n Drunk cn almst b seen as their own persons n mite even b abl 2 interact w each othr (as seen by the many fanart of Happy n Sad having their own seper8 forms)

  Ok so Now tht ive described my intro n Main Beef w the Episode, here's a theory I cn rlly get behind tht dsnt mke me wnna cry behind a Denny's. Prsnlly it's a rlly relievng theory even if it mite b hard 2 take in

Ther's no name 4 it, som call it the Enaverse, b just so it dsnt get confusd w other definitions (like, u wldnt call it the Marvel Cinematic Universe theory, the MCU is jst wht it is) I'm gnna call it the Multi-Ena theory! Bsclly, there's mor than 1 Ena in thise universe. But I'll get in2 a sub/partner theory tht is also possibl: ther is mor than 1 enaverse n somhow u may or may not b abl 2 travel between them

Part 3: The Multi-Ena theory

Something interesting I noticed was that the shepherds says “another ENA troublemaker?” Which definitely means more than one ENA/person has been there before.

(I blockd out the rest of the commnt not bc it ws bad, b i wantd 2 focus on this part of the commnt, but thise commnt will come up again L8r)

Not connected 2 System!Ena or the integr8ion issue I mentioned earlier, the multi-ena theory seems 2 b 1 of the top suggstd theories bc of many thngs! Bsclly n in short, thise theory believs tht in the series (or Enaverse), ther is multipl ena's! So fr i havent seen a post tht RLLY went in2 depth on thise so here is my attempt!

Evidence:

(See: above explanation on how the voic actors r credited 4 their roles individlly 2 explain my system!ena theory/intro) In episodes 1-2, Ena's diffrnt emotions/sides r creditd individually! In Temptation Stairway, Gabe n Lizzie Freeman r all creditd undr the sme nme, just as "Ena" (mening thise is a completely different Ena from the past)

Again, as said in my summry 4 Tempt8ion Stairway, thise Ena acts compltly diffrnt n is not follwng the sme "pattern" or rules as Ena did in Episodes 1-2! (Read above in my summary section) Either ther r stuff we've missd between Extinction Party n Temptation Stairway, or thise is a diffrnt Ena entirely.  I'd hav 2 sy prsnlly tht I'm leanng 2wrds the latter bc of how the VA's are crdtd. but if ur not convinced, let me continu:

When we meet the Shepard in 7:52 of the episode, they say (verbatim) "Arghh... Another ENA trouble maker." which implies there r more than 1 Ena's

9:08 - 9:19 when Ena jumps in2 the "Holy Code" where we head undrwtr in2 a sea of diffrnt doors, we see floating Ena models (n the comment section seems 2 gravit8 2 callng them "dead bodies") (Honorary mention: You'll notic they glitch in2 Mannequins if u pay attention 2 them). This piec of info is Direct Evidence 2 the multi-ena theory, bc ther r Explicitly mor thn 1 ena's on screen! wht's concernng n unanswrd tho, is y do they glitch in2 mannequins? Does tht mean all the mannequins we sw on screen in the begnng of the video (n onwards) were all previously an Ena? Is it only an Ena tht can transform in2 a mannequin or cn othr chrctrs also become mannequins?

Not the strongst evidenc b i'll input it anywy: Ena's Action boxes (Like when she receivs or gives items) spell her nme her as ƎNA (with a backwrds E). The thing abt thise 1 is tht we can't compare it with Auction Day n Extinction Part bc they don't have any action boxes. BUT What we CAN compare is how she is spelled in the dialogue boxes of those speakng in diffrnt languages AND in the Credits! In Episodes 1-2, She's Spelled as Ena with this captialis8ion. In Temptation Stairway the dialogue and credits consitntly spell her as ENA in all caps. May or may not allude 2 her being diffrnt, b i will admit this is the most Strechiest piec of evidnc. Tru or not, I'd like 2 refer 2 Tempt8ion Stairway ena as TS!Ena or ƎNA, prsnlly 2 differenti8 her frm the othr episodes

Pronounci8ion: BUT 2 build on the above evidence, In the beginning of the episode, Moony DOES pronounc Ena's name in different wys a lot, startng w I-NA (ai-na), ENA (ehna), n finally JENA. And this isnt new! She’s been doing it sinc Auction Day (ee-nah/ii-na) n Extinction Party (ay-nah). Thise may or my not sggst that perhaps Moony's inconsistancy is bc these othr pronunci8ions or names cld b of other ena's she's met in the past w similr or diffrnt preferences! I’d say because of her constant switchng in the beginning of Temptation Stairway, it would lean 2wards that she may know different Ena’s @ once. Otherwise, c the Multi-Enaverse theory below

Note: Every othr charctr besides Moony (So far; Merci and the Shepard) Pronounces Ena as ehna (or ehna) so it might be that perhaps Eh-na is the universal way of pronouncng Ena?

Conlusions/thghts on this theory: I prsnlly like thise a lot!! It makes Enasonas Very Possible, b also tht any interpret8ion of Ena cn b corrct or possibl! It knda saddens me tho bc im not rlly sure if we'll ever return 2 the Ena we're used 2, I wldnt rlly want 2 b stuck w/o Sad bc I thnk her role is rlly neat n can b importnt, b im biasd. I also rlly subscribe 2 thise theory bc it means whtvr happend 2 TS!Ena ds not hav 2 be permanent in the long run; Again litrlly the only thng keepng me from gettng supr upset abt the ending of Temptation Stairway, is tht the prev ena’s r not the sme n wld possibly not do thise, or tht ther r othr ena’s out ther besides THISE episod 1, who wld nvr do tht, etc

Part 4: The Multiple Enaverses/Multi-Enaverse Theory AKA The Alternative In Defense of Moony Mispronouncing Ena’s name over and over

An alterntve 2 the Multi-Ena theory, is tht there is MORE thn 1 Enaverse! So bsclly, a multiverse theory. Primarily thise my explain Not jst Ena's sudden Shift in how diffrnt she is in thise episode b may also explain how Diffrnt Moony is actng in thise episode 2. While thise isnt the top theory i prsnlly subscribe 2 (sinc ther isnt explicit evidence besides it bein an explan8ion 4 Moony n Ena's weird/diffrnt behavior), it DOES open a lot of doors 2 intrstng things 2 thnk abt!

Bsclly Moony keeps mispronouncing Ena’s name a lot (in Tempation Stairway) n its Really Rude, esp consdrng she’s always said it properly (As in @ least 1nce in an episode n not switchng multiple times) b4! so 2 Explain her Sudden change in behavior, this is actlly a Different Moony, besides a different Ena. this is a whole different universe/timeline!

LIKE If not multiple Ena's, The different Loca8ions in Ena cn probbly b traversible across dimensions! The Holy Code may b the door 2 diffrnt enaverses. The Shepard's garden cld b an interdimensionl place tht is singular n deals w diffrnt beings passing thru! While i dnt hav mch 2 sy on thise, its RLLY Interestng 2 thnk abt

Like the Multi-Ena theory, thise also opens the doors 2 enasonas being vry possibl :^) Som ppl's evidences r all involvng Moony besides how Ena's rlly diffrnt

Moony can skateboard??

Moony's square shape hole can shrink 2 hold an item

while not strong ATM or frm wht i cn see, its still very inch restng!!! Tho I would sy it is VERY on par w the Multi-Ena theory anyway

Part 5: Honorary Mentions: Mini Theories

The Great Runas is actlly a play on the "Run As" Command! I'm not very Smart engh 2 break thise down vry well, b bsclly w all the allusion 2 "codes" n the Blood ID looking like a Chip, The Great Runas being abl 2 grant u wishes makes a lot of sense! This ws brought up 2 me from a friend (@ambercard​)!

like its a command line. so then the great runas being able to grant wishes makes sense if its digital world like all the code stuff says Allows a user to run specific tools and programs with different permissions than the user's current logon provides.

Runas is a command-line tool that is built into Windows Vista. To use runas at the command line, open a command prompt, type runas with the appropriate parameters, and then press ENTER.

In the user interface for Windows Vista, the Run as… command has been changed to Run as administrator. However, you should rarely have to use the Run as administrator command because Windows Vista will automatically prompt you for an administrator password when it is needed.

and my friend who i was talking to said that probably explains what the password was for and the blood id being a login or something?

its possible using the blood id akin to using the run as administrator command since idk their name but one of the people ena met said the blood id didnt seem like her which is like. if she isnt administrator then it would make sense that using that command wouldnt match who she is

My response:

man do u realiz Ena uslly does not hav the corrct passwrd/admin privileges all the tme? Bc the guardian entity in extinction party askd her 4 1 b i guess it ws so Low Game tht it wsnt supr necsrry in the end

The Enaverse is all a computer code of some sort- most probbaly a game! AKA: This is a digital world

... If we were too treat this world as a video game this would make more sense since different play through bus and all that. Oh god this feels like a fnaf situation, taking a video that just wants to be a video and turning it into a big serious thing

Going with the whole ‘there are multiple enas representing the player’ theory, perhaps this ENA realized that she’s in a video game and isn’t taking it too well? But the game is kind of glitching out because of it.

Honorable Mentions: Random Info + Unanswered Questions

Ena seems self-aware of smth! (10:24 Ena screams "YOU'RE ALL LIVING A LIE!") May help the Run as command idea n the video game/digital reality idea! If not a video gme, they sure r Somewhere

What does the Great Runas look like?? is it the door? is ther mor thn 1 Runas?

What is Mariya n Gabo's Job? R they just like the Guardian Entity in Extinction Party but are assignd 2 this part/location of where they are?

In 6:30, wht does Ulysses mean by "Desires r never fulfilled nor quenched"? "You Will fail like the rest of them" Is he referring 2 the other Ena's that's passed by? who else have come n failed?

This Post Also brings up som good points I hvnt noticd yet!

Thise comment pretty much says everythng:

Standout things from this animation:

-This Ena switches between a male & female voice at seemingly random instead Happy speaking with a male voice and Sad speaking with a Sad voice. The text boxes noticeably refer to this Ena with a reversed E, and The Shepard says "Another Ena troublemaker", implying that there are multiple Enas. We also see some Ena corpses flickering into the mannequin bodies at one point. Third, at the end we see Ena's sad half turn from blue to yellow over the course of Ena & Moony's conversation. My personal theory is that this Ena is possibly 'broken' in some manner. -Moony either doesn't care or dosen't realize that Ena's voices aren't matching the personalities anymore. -The grey personality appears to come out when Ena gets too stressed out. Notably the transformation involves the happy half turning into static and exploding out, erasing Ena's face in the process. It also appears that some physical trauma (in this case, Brick Frog kicking Ena) is necessary to exit the grey personality, unlike the previously seen 'blackout' personalities which can possibly be switched by the other personality exerting themselves (in the auction episode, Ena enters her sad blackout/depressed personality, then switches to Happy!Ena, who apologizes to Moony about her depressed outburst). -Moony's hole is capable of closing to hold things, and she also knows how to skateboard. -Judging by Ena's reaction, Moony's transformation at the end is weird even by this universe's standards.

aaaand thats all 4 now! I really hope thats all my brain can think of skjsdhfsdfkh

Feel free 2 send me asks abt Ena theories n stuff! While this is a Comprehensiv post, it’s definitely mor focused on the Multi-Ena theory n my thghts on the episode whn it comes 2 how it affects the System Ena theory. I’m open 2 questions!!

Last Edit: Feb 19 2021 (GMT +8)

[ghostlyhamburger]

Husband Watches Felix

Like the cat?

So this is Adrien’s cousin?

So apparently this is the date rape episode.

This intro is the fucking same as Chat Blanc. that was a different timeline.

Why were the rings covered in a blue cloth? Why were they off?

So he’s sending the Gorilla out to get someone.

This is probably the first time Adrien’s even looked at his dad in months.

Oh we get to learn where he knows this lullaby from.

Gabriel sits down in the traditional Japanese sitting style. Perfect form too.

Jesus Christ dude. Fucking chill. Your son is trying to think of your happiness and move on. Maybe you should do the same.

They really don’t wanna say the word died.

I guess it was a full class call but is Lila really in the class? I don’t like her. She’s a c*nt. I love her design, she has a lot of potential, but she’s still a c*nt

Fu is a piece of shit and is super selfish and refuses to acknowledge his own faults and issues. Luka’s really fucking creepy for his own obsession with Marinette and just appearing with no pomp or circumstance. Lila had an intro episode. Even Felix has an episode!

Luka gives off shitty self insert character energy

So there’s still the weirdness of the Ladybug/reverse Ladybug charm. That’s on everything Alya has. Why does she have it? That would take more work to model. What is the purpose of this?

Okay seriously why are there two doors to Adrien’s room? what is the point of that? 

So his mom is his screensaver?

Oh my fucking word Felix looks like such a prick

He looks like the type of kid that Kim would bully if he was a bully

Also why’d they give him five o clock shadow

Those paintings in the background used to have color. 

Why does she want the rings back? Also she has a very sing songy voice

why is the background so blue this is not what the inside of his house is supposed to look like

they’re wedding bands. They have no jewels. They’re just metal bands.

What the fuck is she on about? [I don’t fucking know]

So bands are meant to be inexpensive, and if Gabriel had bought them before he was a fashion person and he was poor, that would be very sweet. but she’s talking about them being gems. Why?

wow Nathalie is fucking tall

There’s a weird amount of similarities between how Gabriel acts and how Felix acts. That dead eyed stare, that furrowed brow. Felix is up to something.

what if the gems they were talking about aren’t the bands? What if the moth and peacock belong to that family?

180 years would be multiple generations wouldn’t it?

Marinette is the color of her pants

Marinette became a noodle

What? [Felix’s dad is dead.] Mysterious circumstances or just death? [uhhhh unknown] AAAAGH

Aw a cute little moment. And he just stole something.

I’m gonna state this now. Felix is up to something and I don’t like him. He gives off a different bad energy than the others.

I feel like he’s rummaging through Adrien’s clothes just so he can pretend to be Adrien.

So he’s wearing a fake ring, he stole a bit of camembert, and now he’s fucking with the bed?

Plagg realized he fucked up. And he apologized without anyone saying anything on him. i like Plagg. 

Also why does Adrien own like 50 of the same video game

so they sent him 30 individual play files instead of just one video?

Fuck Felix. That was actually a really sweet moment for Chloe. That was really soft and you saw the walls break down and now I definitely dislike this fucker.

[Felix deletes the video]

OH YOU--

[he had to pause the show and just stared in disbelief]

First off. Luka didn’t send one. Lila didn’t send one. but also FUCK HIM

I wanna dropkick the TV right where his face is. if I wouldn’t shatter all my bones on the way. all my leg bones anyways.

There’s a closet in the shower?

Also Adrien why didn’t you just go grab his suitcase

Where did Luka go? And wasn’t Ivan also there?

So knowing the show I’m sure Felix has a reason but I’m also sure what’s about to happen is going to make me REALLY hate him.

Okay thats just creepy [Luka hitting on Marinette]

So was this a group chat or an email? because if it was a group chat deleting it did nothing but if it was an email why does Luka have the video

what the FUCK

The guy literally just told all of Adrien’s friends to go fuck themselves.

Secondly, Gabriel’s using a mac.

Thirdly, that left dress design is the one Marinette was wearing for the movie reveal in the last episode, just in a different color

Fourthly, why is Gabriel standing on a glass staircase to get to his computer

Fifthly, where’s the giant painting of Emilie

Sixthly, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH FELIX. that is a sociopathic type thing!

[also, where’s Gabriel’s ass? why does Nathalie like that?] Maybe he’s packing? [No we’d see it in how tight his pants are] Well that’s why he’s so angry all the time

How did Gabriel know it was Felix instantly?

There must be some sort of tell in the video

How you gonna get multiple evilizations on one akuma dude?

Bullshit! we know that’s not his powers work! He can’t make multiple akumas! In fact when two people are touching a single thing they merged into one!

Here, go attack and potentially kill my son!

so they didn’t have enough budget for a new akuma but they could reanimate Marinette’s entire transformation sequence so she has a different expression??

Jesus Christ Nathalie, strong without the superpowers

I think Adrien’s actually covering for Felix

yeah that’s not Adrien. Adrien wouldn’t hit them.

The fact that he can fight akumas is weird, but he did say he still did martial arts.

I can hear the corrupted music going. I don’t like where this is going.

please have Chat Noir come in and interrupt this

Props to Ladybug, she just fucking decked him for trying to sexually assault her

So Felix has like. prank vision or something?

what the fuck

I do think it’s interesting that he said jewelry for jewelry

Ladybug you could’ve let him die and just brought him back

He was doing a look at some point.

So, Felix is clearly just trying to make his mom happy

But there’s still the other ring? and. that’s a face.

Well that was a thing.

Bands are not jewels but what the fuck are they important for

[sumire-bride]

Sumire and shuus route (demo) ecstasy prologue

((READ HASHTAGS PLZ!! It has the tw before you start the route!))

Scene is in living room

Sumire- ..pwah… (..it seems I have grown quite tired… in fact.. I have been more tired then usual… how strange…)

(..My body has been out of control as of late… oh goodness I don’t understand this at all… I ended up getting sick again this morning… I wonder what is wrong…)

*THUMB*

Sumire- ..ah… (..my chest stings…)

(..my chest has been burning or begins to sting every.. few hours or so… it is truly painful….)

*laito appears*

Laito- ne bitch-chan…~

Sumire- … (..maybe I should find a book about this… or..! Maybe I should do something to keep my mind off this… or drink some tea… hmm…)

Laito- bitch-chan.. can’t you hear me..? Ah.. her eyes are closed..

Sumire- … (..like shuu-sama said… this must be a tiny flu … nothing I have not had before… it will leave soon enough…)

Laito- nfu how cute, she closes her eyes when she’s lost in thought.. pretty dumb when your in a house of vampires though..

Hey

*snap snap*

Bitch-chan..!

Sumire- ..!!… ah..

Oh… hello laito-same… is there something I can do for you…?

Laito- you were ignoring me, a little rude don’t you think..? I just wanted to grab your attention,

I’d like to have a little chat with you.. bit-ch- cha-n~

Sumire- ..chat…? Of course… if having a chat makes laito-sama happy then I am willing to do so… please say what you need to…

Laito- fufu, always so eager to listen to others aren’t you..? Well..

There’s something different about you.. like your scent, it’s stronger now.. I felt like I should just ignore it but..

The scent kept coming back to me every time I’m near you.. mind telling me what that’s about hmm..?

Sumire- ..scent…? Do I have a scent…? I am not quite sure I understand….

Laito- yeah a scent is on you. Sure you had one before but now.. it’s stronger for some reason.

I got curious.. so I wanted to ask our bitch-chan about it.. seems you don’t understand it either

Sumire- ..I am sorry…. If there is a way I can understand and please you please tell me….

Laito- ufu, I’m beginning to think you have been doing some “things” with someone~ or..

One of my brothers, but who could it be hm.. so tell me bitch-chan, what type of things have you been doing..?

Sumire- ..things….? Well.. I have been sick and I’ve been around shuu-sama… I need to make sure he does not get hurt…

Laito- around shuu? Ahh so you went after the big brother, what have you two been doing together hmm..?

Sumire- ..mm… we just talk if I am honest…. Not always much….

Is there a reason you would like to know this…?

Laito- do I really need one..? Well if I’m being honest.. I smell I completely different smell on you.. your scent is there but..

I also smell another being on you, and not necessarily on you.. but it’s like there’s a scent inside you, ahh, you having me thinking about it so much and it’s simply enticing me to know more..

Sumire- …?.. inside me…? I am not quite sure I understand…

Laito- for the first little bit the scent of your blood changed but then.. after a little while it’s like a whole new beings scent has the one side of your body

I want to know.. have you been doing anything with shuu, like.. something we consider, naughty.. ufu, go on you can tell me, I won’t tell anyone

Sumire- ..naughty…? Uh.. (..pardon me but…) ah..! It is not like we have been doing anything of the sort…! Please do not make such assumptions….!

Laito- aha..! So my theory was correct..! It only seemed like the only option to go by since shuus the only one who stays here with bitch-chan..

You both were alone for so long, I wonder what type of things he did to your body..ahh.. the thought makes me want to know myself.. but

Sumire- ..er… (..that moment with shuu-sama and me is very secret.. it was not only a confusing but special moment for me… I did not want people to know about it…)

But.. what…?

Laito- I don’t think I can do that now.. I’m not even sure if I should suck your blood anymore.. mm.. how sad I won’t be able to,

Sumire- ..?… I am not quite sure what you mean… (..I don’t understand…)

Laito- you don’t know..? You haven’t figured it out..? Well I guess I of all people shouldn’t be surprised over how dense our little bitch-Chan can be..

Sumire- ..ah… do you maybe know why I am sick…? I would like to know… maybe I could find a way to cure myself besides resting…

Laito- fufu your adorable bitch-chan, you have no idea, I’ll tell you because your laito is so nice..

Your pre-gna-nt~

Sumire- ..huh….? (..pregnant…? I don’t.. huh…)

Laito- hahaha..! Look at that enticing face! You look so surprised it’s laughable.. so how do you feel about that hm..? The first bride to come in here and actually make a child with one of us..

Sumire- ..what… (..no… I can not be pregnant… I’ve read books about this thing called pregnancy…. There is just no way….)

..but… how is laito-Sama so sure…? You can not be sure from scent…. (..I can not sense any reason for him to lie to me… there’s no bad intent… could I truly be…)

Laito- vampires have a good nose, it’s how we can find prey so easily, and it’s also how we find cute women like you,

Sumire- … (..But.. I can not get pregnant…. If father found out… what… what would he think of me…? No… what would he do with me… or mother… or chousoka-nii…. Everything would go to hell if oroshii-nii found out….!)

Laito- oh don’t look so worried bitch-chan.. this is considered good for humans right..? Well I guess maybe for some

I’ve not once pictured me as a uncle, but the worlds full of surprises isn’t it,

Sumire- ..I can not let this happen… oh if anyone one of my family found out… ahh…

Laito- ufu, I’ll leave you to your own little thoughts about this okay,

*laito walks off*

Laito- bye bye bitch-chan.. I’ll keep this our little secret Kay..~!

Sumire- …uh… (..I couldn’t possibly be… no… no way… there is just no way….) … (..I am… I am not…)

???- (isn’t that what you wanted..?)

Sumire- ..what… I do not understand…. (..a voice…)

???- (a loving home.. a husband.. and a child.. you didn’t care who.. you just wanted that life you’ve seen in the book..)

Sumire- …please stop talking…. (..why is there a voice…)

???- (..don’t deny it.. you got what you wanted.. so why are you so upset..?)

Sumire- …stop… I don’t want to hear it…

(..that is what I wanted… right…?)

*flashback*

Flashback is in a big office

Young sumire- … (..wow…! This book has a happy ending…! Father gave me a new book… hm..)

*sumire flips the page*

Young sumire- … (..what is that…? “And soon this child.. in.. inside me will be full of love.. it will give us the love we need.. my de..dear…” ..?… child..? There are other children besides me…? I will continue to read it…)

*TIMESKIP*

Young sumire- …!.. (..this women had a baby…! Amazing…! I never knew a women could do that…! And her and the man got married…! What a happy ending…)

Fufu..

???- my child.. what are you laughing about..?

Sumire- ..hehe… the book gave me… this women had a baby…! And she got married….. I did not know there other children like me… well.. besides koukai-nii and the twins…

..how do you know make children father…?

???- *cough cough* dear that’s something you can learn later in life.. I won’t explain that to you

Sumire- ..i see… well.. the women is very happy… hehe… I want to have kids when I’m.. older…! And get married…!

..can I get married and have children father…? I promise I’ll still be with you…

???- married and children..? Why would you want such a thing..? You have me,

Im the only one you need my dear, no one else..

Sumire- ..I know but… I want to be as happy as she is in the book… she said that this child will bring happiness…

..I want to bring happiness to the world…. So maybe.. I can make you and I both happy if I have one… oh please father won’t you let me have thing called marriage and a child…?

???- er.. haah.. you are quite the little girl aren’t you.. well.. maybe when your of age I’ll find you a man of my liking, and then you can have as many children with that man as I see fit, how about that hm..?

Sumire- ..hahah…! If that makes you happy then I am happy with that decision…!

???- fufu.. settle down my love, that won’t happen any time soon you understand..? Your still a child you know

Sumire- ..okay…! (..father is the best…! I hope he picks a good man for me… I promise i will make the world happy…)

*FLASHBACK ENDS*

Sumire- … (..Father… I am so sorry… I.. I didn’t mean to…)

Monologue

..sometimes.. I wish I never read that book..

Because of how I feel at this moment..

It makes me seem so ungrateful for what I’ve always wanted since I was a little girl..

In the story.. everything seemed so happy.. that child made the women happy.. the marriage made her happy..

..I wanted that life.. to be loved and have something to love..

But then again I’m beginning to learn that books are full of lies..

I love a demon.. I have another being inside that I’m unsure will come out truly loved..

my life is the opposite of the books..

I truly lived a full childhood and life of lies..

—to be continued—

maniac epilogue—ecstasy 1

[clvmtines]

welcome aboard, clementine martinez, student #2. we are excited to set sail with you !  has anyone told you that you look like alexa demie? according to our records, you hail from florida, usa, prefer she / her pronouns, are a cis woman, and are here to study creative writing. we also see you received a spot on the ss university because of your online lottery win — we won’t tell anyone. during your first few weeks here, other students said you were + charming, + free-spirited, but also - restive. it sounds like you spend most of your time at the billiards room. upon checking your luggage, we noticed you packed a casino chip carried around for luck from home. hopefully your roommates don’t steal it!

hi friends! i’m very excited to be here. i’m jay (est, she/her) n i used to play astrid nyland a few months ago if anyone remembers bt i had to leave for personal reasons. i’m so glad to be back now that i hve life sorted and some free time for summer break <3 read on for some details abt this new muse of mine, clementine. 

01. biography !

so ! clementine was born in florida. & yes, her real name is clementine. her mom thot it was the cutest name idea ever. clementine mostly goes by clem. she comes from the town [redacted] in florida bcoz i am too lazy to look up a specific town <3 but alas ! it was swampy and humid and she lived in a trailer park. 

her parents got knocked up at nineteen. clem was born nine months after a particularly wild 1999 fourth of july. her birthday is march 26th and she’s an aries. 

(TW: addiction, child injury) clem’s dad was a gambling addict and petty criminal—he wld steal credit cards n whatnot. he wld gamble away diaper money n it would cause constant fighting until her dad finally left. her mom took this very hard n began drinking a bit too often, leaving clem to to make cereal for dinner n fend for herself. once clem tried to make hot dogs on the stove and spilled boiling water on herself. got a p bad burn on her arm/shoulder and still has a big scar.

the soundtrack of her childhood was cicadas buzzing and stray dogs barking. the sizzle and pop of natty light cans. turning up her ipod to max volume to drown out the sounds of her mother fighting with her new boyfriend.

throughout her upbringing, clem’s dad was always in and out of the picture. he’d blow into town when he hit it big. he’d take her on these little “adventures” like staying in a motel 6 n renting movies at block buster n ordering good pizza nt the dominos shit she ate with her mom lol. ofc he was charging it all to someone’s stolen credit card. he’d always promise to, like, take clem away. n clem was a daddy’s girl so she believed him. the last time it happened was her h.s. graduation. her mom didn’t show ( "overslept” after a bender ) but her dad did and surprised her n said everything wld be different. bt then he bailed on their plans for the next day n when she called his cell, the number was disconnected. tht was the defining “i’m done” moment. clem promised to never be disappointed by her father again.

(TW: racism) her mother has mexican ancestry and clem’s always been called her twin. but clem was raised in a predominately white area and honestly ?? it was really hard without her even realizing it. she’s still unpacking a lot of things today abt her youth that jst weren’t okay bt she thought were normal. like microaggressions, stereotypes, being fetishized by boys in high school. gross shit.

as a kid, clem was rumored to be really poor bc she wore tattered clothes n got free lunch at school. once she invited a friend to her house & the next day they told everyone it’s in a trailer park. that reputation—the “trailer park girl”—was really hard to shake. and clem got almost desperate to shake it. she was endlessly trying to set her old self on fire and emerge from the ashes like a phoenix.

eventually clem became more “popular”. in school she was, like, a straight b student. very average although super creative and quick-thinking. she always had street smarts. problem solving skills. independence. more of, like, practical intelligence as opposed to book smarts because academia bores her tbh. she was like why am i reading these overrated boring books by dead white men or learning abt polynomials when i know nothing abt how to pay a mortage or do taxes. like...she saw the american education system as bullshit and put in modest effort because she didn’t believe it deserved her sweat and tears. 

however, she entered the online lottery for the seas program on a whim and got in. so she’s studying creative writing now.

02. personality !

first thing you shld know abt clem is that she’s a compulsive liar essentially—she tells various stories to make her life seem better than what it was. to one person, she’s an heiress to a real estate company and grew up wealthy. to the next she was raised by nomadic hippies. some of her lies are small fibs while others are grandiose tales. she rarely talks about her actual upbringing. she hates talking abt her family or the v real trauma of growing up in a household where both parents struggled w/ addiction; the uncertainty, the broken promises, the fact that she had to grow up so soon and deal w/ so much. it wasn’t fair, and if she thinks about it too much, she feels this anger. anger at the universe. anger at her circumstances. she doesn’t know where to put this anger. she doesn’t know how to shrink it. so she avoids it.

despite her rough upbringing, though, clem is actually really sweet and kind. she’s adventurous, fun-loving, free-spirited, and bold. 

bt ! she can also be closed-off, competitive and restive. 

she’s seemingly tight with everyone? like she’s jst that girl who can get along with anyone tbh. 

in her spare time you can catch her tanning by the pool, hanging at the bar, playing pool ( which she learned from her dad ), and socializing. she’ll never say no to hanging out with people. 

she learned a lot from her little “adventures” with her dad, who was very good at conning others and often involved her in his dumb little scams. clem is suuuper good at pulling the ‘im baby 🥺’ card to get what she wants.

she can be a little selfish, because she grew up looking out for herself. 

stubborn and dogmatic as hell !!!

she doesn’t do too many relationships but when she does fall, i imagine she falls hard and fast. she refuses to be made a fool of, tho. when she gets vulnerable she flashes back to being a kid, waiting all day for her dad to show up only to have him bail on her. again. she hates that feeling. so if she, like, senses a shift in someone’s energy she’ll b like, “i’ll break up with u before u can do it to me” and the person wasn’t even tryna dump her lmao.

has a lot of sex. too much ?? sex?? mayb. but she’s v sex positive.

her personal style is v late 90s. hair clips, big scrunchies, neon, fur trim, crop and tube tops, hoop earrings, chokers, patterns, platform shoes, biodegradable glitter cuz it’s good fr the earth *winks*. clothes from o-mighty.......actually jst google o mighty, pull up the images and That is clem. she dresses like a bratz doll. she’s dedicated to the aesthetic.

03. headcanons !

her item brought from home is a hot pink poker chip from a casino. her dad gave it to her. he said it reminded him of her because of the color; he got it during one of his winning streaks and said it was lucky. she has a complicated relationship w/ her dad n doesn’t even speak to him anymore, bt she will never go anywhere without it.

she’s a smol bean—only 5′4

an astrology girl and she reads palms ! she absolutely makes astrology tik toks that people only watch because she’s hot. her flirting technique is to ask you to read your palm.

she doesn’t typically drink to get drunk. but she does love a good sugary cocktail. to her, a drink is like an accessory. a blue fishbowl by the pool, a jack and coke as she stands around a bar. usually she'll nurse the same beverage for a while. if you see her wasted it usually means she’s going thru it emotionally lol. the one thing she does do is drugs tho 

pretty much listens to exclusively female artists.

a bit of an activist. environmentalism, feminism and the like, she’s v outspoken. vegan for ethical reasons (TW: drugs) bt still does cocaine. she wears shirts with ‘my pussy my choice’ bedazzled on the front.

loves to rollerblade ! back home she didn’t have a car so she’d bike or rollerblade. now she still has her blades and she’ll use them when the ship docks. 

03. wanted connections !

Friends, bffs, ride or dies, friends who are like siblings to her, maybe a friend with an unrequited crush on either side ??

an ex she dumped/cheated on/otherwise self sabotaged their relationship because she was afraid of vulnerability.

an ex friend who realized she lies a lot abt herself n felt betrayed. OH ! ESP if they opened up to her on many occasions abt intimate, personal stuff. imagine the betrayal they felt when they found that everything they thought they knew abt clem is a lie.

someone who she actually opens up to. a confidant. or, maybe, like, a stranger she drunkenly spilled her soul to and now she avoids them like the plague.

a rival. clem can be competitive.

her drug dealer 

someone she knows she shouldn’t hook up with and… does it anyways. like a friend’s ex or smthing. spicy <3

i welcome anything !

[totaltrauma]

I really want to just put this here with my best intentions, I have intrusive thoughts, a lot, especially the ones you mentioned in your sideblog. You can imagine how disturbed I am and can’t even manage to tell my psychologist what they are about, because even if she’s a psychologist I feel like she wouldn’t understand and blame me for them. I don’t have OCD though, I don’t have any symptom or sign of having it, and I haven’t been there long enough to get diagnosed with anything. The point is, before I did my research on intrusive thoughts, Total Trauma may be the THIRD thing I’ve ever seen talking about the topic. The first was a post on instagram to create consciousness, which helped me find out what it was that I was struggling with, and the second one was here on tumblr portraying the struggles of living with it. So I really appreciated representation because I was just learning to cope with it, and trying to understand the fact that I am not a monster and my intrusive thoughts have NOTHING to do with who I am. And it actually helped me to do my own research and understand what was going on in my brain, but I do understand the other side. I know some people criticizing the mention in the comic can be just nts who never struggled with those thoughts in their life, but I know there’s people that have experienced them that still didn’t like the representation in the comic because it wasn’t so accurate. Let me explain myself better, at least from my own research has lead me to believe that everyone (or mostly everyone) with intrusive thoughts get absolutely repulsed by it, scared and struggle to even say it out loud. And at least in my own personal case, many times they’re totally unprovoked, I understand there can be triggers, which was the case in the comic. But the thing about it was how they happened to Cody and how he reacted to them, they weren’t unprovoked, he was angry at Sierra and thought of doing that, he said it out loud and didn’t seem to be really disturbed with them. So I don’t really get why people got upset with DJ reacting the way he did, I’ve had provoked intrusive thoughts but that was mainly as a kid, but if right after them I had said I understand what drives a person to m*rder a pregnant woman and then commit s*icide I wouldn’t get mad because I know what I said whats wrong. Intrusive thoughts aren’t anyone’s fault, but we can be blamed for how we react to them. So I’m not saying maybe, but I know it was the reason some got upset at the comic, because it wasn’t really accurate with how unprovoked they can be most times, how disgusted people get by them when they would NEVER do such things, and how people react to them. Like I said and wanted to make sure you knew, I am really glad you mentioned it and I loved representation because I am dealing with them, I only send this anonymously because I still can’t say out loud that I experience them and least of all, of that kind. But I think it was important to let you know why some people found it upsetting, maybe if you made a comic talking about them to clarify things it’d make things better, but this is just to explain that other opinion, please understand why some people complained about it and didn’t feel comfortable with the comic.

Hey,

Thank you so much for this message!

Firstly, I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with intrusive thoughts. My heart goes out to you. When mine got especially bad after I was retraumatized, it took me over a year of constant agony to ever admit what was happening to the person I’m closest with in the entire world -- And even then, I couldn’t do it. My alter did it, because I kept having horrible breakdowns and she knew I needed help. You’re going to be okay, and for what it’s worth I do recommend that you tell your therapist even though it’s scary. 

Secondly, ... Woah! That makes... SO MUCH SENSE. 

I feel like you just opened my eyes. HAHA. Yeah, maybe what I depicted in that comic wasn’t actually a truthful depiction of intrusive thoughts.

I think part of where I went wrong was straying from my experience in favor something that I felt was more forgivable. And honestly, it probably ISN’T to a lot of people -- but in my eyes, sexual intrusive thoughts are worse (as in grosser, more disgusting, more fucked up) than violent ones simply because sexual thoughts are the ones that I have. (Self hatred, nice.)

I think I might’ve also chickened out a little because... Intrusive thoughts WITH a trigger (which like you said, they typically do not have) seemed more FORGIVABLE and like they made more SENSE.

I.... Yikes. You really just opened my eyes to a whole different perspective, I didn’t realize that even my comic about how intrusive thoughts are normal was still LADEN with SHAME and SELF HATRED.... 

I literally created (at least what *I* considered to be) a more palatable version of intrusive thoughts because I thought the reality of it was too horrible to give voice to. And I didn’t even REALIZE it. 

... Huh.

Now I feel like I definitely need to do something about it.... But what?

[drummergirl231-2]

Happy Autism Awareness/Acceptance Day 2020!

To me, true awareness and acceptance go hand-in-hand. I still don’t mind the word “awareness,” since most people, even people who think they’re spreading Autism awareness, aren’t totally aware of what it is or what it’s like. But I also love calling it Autism Acceptance Day, because that’s what we need more than anything. 

To spread some awareness, I’d like to address some misconceptions about Autism and share some other thoughts I wish people knew/understood.

1. Autists/Aspies do not lack empathy. 

I found this thing and it explains it super well so I’ll just leave it here:

Imagine a scenario where you say something totally innocent and it triggers the person you’re talking to. They start flying off the handle at you and you don’t know why. But because they’re angry, you are, too. But since you don’t know why they’re angry, you don’t know why you’re angry, either. It’s crazy overwhelming and confusing. And you want to fix whatever you did because you don’t want this other person to be angry or hurt, but you don’t know how, because their all-consuming rage makes it really hard to think and try to put yourself in their shoes. Also, you’re scared on top of it all.

That’s what having high affective and compassionate empathy and low cognitive empathy is like. It’s not that we don’t care. It’s that we care too much, and all the super specific nuances of socializing are things we have to learn one at a time, through either our mistakes or others’ mistakes. These things don’t come naturally to us, but it’s not like we can’t learn. If I were to compare math to socializing, it’s like you all have calculators or other doohickeys to do all the math for you and we just have paper and a pencil... and no eraser. 

2. Autism is not a mental illness to be “cured.”

Now don’t get me wrong, I am ALL FOR people finding ways to help us be able to deal with the world better, whether that’s a better diet, items to block out sensory stimuli or items that stimulate, or counselling that can help us navigate social situations and talk through anxiety and/or depression. But those things don’t “cure,” us because Autism isn’t a disease or something wrong with us. Autism gives us different challenges, sure, but neutotypicals have their own challenges. 

The symptoms typically associated with “low-functioning,” Autism don’t necessarily have to be a part of Autism. Many non-verbal kids grow up to be verbal. That doesn’t mean they stopped being autistic. There was a celebrity mom years ago who claimed to “cure” her son’s Autism with a gluten-free dairy-free diet. He’d been so trapped in his head, he couldn’t engage with the world around him. She altered his diet and one day he laughed at Spongebob, and that was a turning point. He became able to interact with people and react to things on TV. It was a huge breakthrough. But he was still autistic. If you were to have plopped me down on a rug as a toddler next to a toddler like this celebrity’s son before his altered diet, you wouldn’t think I was autistic at all by comparison. But I was, and I am.

Autism is a different neurological blueprint, and yes, brain-healthy diets and detoxes can do wonders for us because it seems like our brain type does make us more susceptible to negative effects from neurotoxins. But if you think someone has lost their Autism just because “the bad parts,” went away... no. That’s not how it works.

3. Not everyone is “a little autistic.” 

When I was newly diagnosed and trying to process it, someone told me something along the lines of, there there, we’re all a little autistic. But that’s not true. There are a lot of traits associated with this brain type, and yes, a neurotypical person can have a few of them. That doesn’t make them a little autistic. To be considered autistic at all, you’d have to have a large number of quirks plus social delays (not associated with excessive technology use), odd or repetitive behaviors, unusual and intense interests, communication struggles, and unusual sensory processing. Suppose you’re white. If you are white, this should be easy to imagine. Say an African American just told you about some of the challenges they’ve faced, whether it’s race-based bullying in school or racial profiling later on. Would it be appropriate to say, “There there, we’re all a little black?” NO. One, it’s false. Two, while all people struggle with stuff because to be human is to struggle sometimes, the struggles of different groups of people are totally different, and you can’t say you know exactly what it’s like or pretend everyone’s the same. We all have equal dignity and worth, but beyond that, everyone’s different. Don’t pretend differences don’t exist. Just value them.

4. Autism doesn’t have a “look.”

When I tell people I’m autistic, this is usually what I hear: “Wow! I wouldn’t have guessed! You don’t look autistic.”  ...What does that even mean??? Is it supposed to be a compliment? Because if it’s a compliment I “don’t look autistic,” then that’s kind of an insult to other autistic people. Or do they mean it like, “I don’t believe you’re really autistic because I have a preconceived idea of what an autistic person looks like and you don’t fit the bill so I’m not going to give you grace if you act weird?” I don’t know. Y’all say weird things too, sometimes, ya know? But Autism doesn’t have a look. There is a sort of distant intensity in our gaze sometimes... and I can legit see it when Jim Parsons plays Sheldon Cooper, but when I see an interview with him as himself, it’s gone. It’s not a fixed feature of our faces, and a talented NT could totally put it on.

5. Autism presents itself differently in boys and girls.

You know how not a lot of people know the symptoms of heart attacks in women because mainly people only talk about what a heart attack is like for men? It’s kinda like that with Autism, too. Typically when you hear about Autism, you’re hearing about the signs and symptoms in boys. Even most pediatricians only know to look for the way it presents in boys, which is how so many girls don’t get a diagnosis until later in life, if ever.  One difference is that, for whatever reason, girls tend to be better at nonverbal communication and taking hints. We’re mimics. Chameleons. We take on the mannerisms of those around us and who we see on TV as we force ourselves to adapt. Verbal boys might speak at unusual volumes or with an unusual voice, rhythm, or cadence, but verbal girls learn to mimic the speech patterns of others. Our special interests/obsessions aren’t typically seen as strange given our age and sex. For example, a six-year-old autistic boy might be fascinated by WWII. I was interested in fetal development. People thought, “What’s so weird about that? She’s a little girl who loves babies.” We often play with Barbies or other dolls long after our peers have stopped. It helps autistic girls process social situations. When I was shamed out of liking Barbies, I started writing stories in notebooks or in my head. Autistic boys usually struggle with social communication from an early age, but autistic girls usually don’t have any major communication struggles until adolescence, when relationships, platonic or romantic, get way more complicated.  Since little autistic girls can mimic their neurotypical peers, and since some doctors only know how to look for Autism in boys, we tend to fly under the radar, causing that huge gender gap in diagnoses.

6. Mental illness is common with Autism, but NOT part of it.

I read an article by an autist in the UK who struggles to get help for his anxiety or depression because therapists have brushed him off, saying “Well, that’s just part of being Autistic, so it can’t be helped.” NO! Just like neurotypicals can be mentally healthy or unhealthy, Autistic people can be mentally healthy or unhealthy. Just because something is common for us doesn’t mean it’s how it’s supposed to be, or that it’ll always be that way, or that it’s part of who we are and we need to embrace it. People with mental illnesses should be embraced (literally or figuratively, depending on what they’re comfortable with). Mental illnesses should not be embraced. Ever. Because autistic kids and adults often face abuse, bullying, discrimination, and are ostracized, anxiety (especially social anxiety) and depression are common for us. In more serious cases, especially in autistic teens and young adults, dissociative disorders can develop. What’s worse, it doesn’t take much looking to find the dark corners of the internet where people, autistic or not, are encouraged to embrace their developing dissociative thoughts and feelings. I once saw an interview with someone who found healing from a dissociative disorder, and she gets emails every day from others with the same disorder she had who regret some of the things they were talked into doing while living with the condition and  who want to find the healing she did. She said many of them are autistic and under the age of twenty-five. Autistic people with mental illnesses shouldn’t be talked into believing their mental illnesses are a part of them, or not mental illnesses at all, or something to celebrate and cling to. I reject the notion we should have to settle for being ill in any way. We deserve to be as healthy and whole as anyone else, and it makes me sick there are so many internet predators preying on us in this way, and that there are therapists who think Autism and mental illness has to be a packaged deal.

7. If LGBT people were treated the way autistic people are by the media, it’d lead to outrage. But it seems like no one is outraged on our behalf.

We’ve seen the news stories, haven’t we? A couple invites the news over to their house, upsetting their autistic child who then has a meltdown, the meltdown is filmed and aired, and the parents are just like, “This is what our life is like because of Autism. And it sucks. Pity us.”

There was one video I saw... I’m just so enraged by it, even after two years. A mother was praised for her open honesty as she vilified her autistic son and complained about how he ruined her life and how hard it is to go out and have people stare. I’m sorry, hard for WHO??? I don’t even want to go into the details. I know only sharing this much doesn’t make it sound like that bad of a video, it’s just... ugh. Guys. It’d be a whole separate post. I can’t deal with it right now. 

If parents went on the news after their kid came out to them as gay, and wept and begged for pity and said some of the things this woman said of her autistic son (wondering what she did wrong that made her deserve this or that led to this or saying she doesn’t believe in God but finds herself praying anyway that God’ll “fix him”), America would call them the worst parents ever. But parents of autistic kids who do this are praised for their openness and vulnerability as they publicly shame their child.

Another time, after a mass shooting carried out by a teenage boy, the news reported that he was autistic and that might have contributed to the attack (there they go, combining mental illness with Autism as one and the same again).

If a pedophile were arrested, and they said on the news, “And we just got word that he’s gay, so that may be why,” there’d be a riot. But the news can pin autists as mass murderers and no one bats an eye!

All of May last year working at a clothing store, I watched as various departments filled up with pride t-shirts to get ready for June, and I couldn’t help but think,

Where were the Autism acceptance t-shirts in March to get ready for April?

I probably shouldn’t be so surprised with the media painting us as life-ruiners and life-enders. 

I know it’s a vile and disgusting thing for me to be jealous of LGBT people in this way, especially since they have their own struggles, too. I just wish society had our backs and celebrated us instead of wanting us “fixed,” for their own convenience, ya know?

8. Almost all of us hate Autism Speaks, and those who don’t are probably just new. XD

I used to be all “Light it up blue!” as well (even though that seemed weird to me, given blue lights might be overwhelming to some people on the spectrum). But then I read something on their site that made me feel really betrayed, and down the line, I learned most autistic people hate them... some because they saw them say the opposite of what I saw they said. Basically we all have different opinions but Autism Speaks spouts whatever information their donors want them to (sellouts), and that donated money doesn’t go towards helping us, but toward more fundraising or research on how to prevent people with our brain type. I guess they’re not fond of the artistic and scientific advancements we bring to the table. They should change those puzzle pieces from blue or multi-colored to white with black specks because they want a world that’s vanilla. 

9. Some of us still like the puzzle pieces, even if we hate Autism Speaks.

I’ve talked about this in a fanfic, but I’d love it if we could redeem the puzzle pieces, because they’re still a good analogy if you assign a different meaning. Autists and NTs are puzzling to each other, no sense denying that, but the more time we spend together, the more we start to understand each other. Also, Autism does have a lot of pieces, and figuring out I was autistic was like solving the puzzle of my life. The missing pieces came together and things became clearer and made more sense. Also also, some autistic people are really good at puzzles. And then there are autists like me who aren’t necessarily good at puzzles, but get totally absorbed in working on them anyway (my parents have been doing some puzzles during the quarantine lol they’re traps! TRAPS I SAY!!!).

Nevertheless, I understand why other autistis don’t like the puzzle pieces and prefer the rainbow infinity symbol, and I quite like it, too. It’s very pretty, and the way the colors fade together is a nice symbol of how it’s a spectrum.

It’s a sign of the infinite possibilities in our lives when we’re empowered, because we can do and have done good and great things in the world.

[chaotic-academics]

Consider this me asking you about the Holy Grail and the Priory of Sion. What’s up. What’s happening. What do we need to know. Give us the tea.

Alright, folks. Sit down and listen up, because I’m about to teach you a thing.

Lots of people have heard of the Holy Grail (Monty Python, anyone?), but if someone were to ask you “What is the Holy Grail anyway?” would you be able to answer? Or give a “best guess”? Perhaps. But probably not. See, most people, if asked, would give the reasonable response that the Holy Grail is probably the cup that Jesus Christ allegedly drank out of at the Last Supper (if you do not know Christianity or its history, the Last Supper is the meal Jesus ate with his disciples just before he was crucified). Possible. Probable, even.

But, there is another theory. Sangréal (san-graal) is Old French for “Holy Grail,” better known now as “sangreal.” In the 15th century, though, an English writer named John Hardyng moved some letters around to create the new phrase,”sang real.” This translates to “royal blood,” and put an entirely new spin on the phrase, and implying that the Holy Grail is not, in fact, a cup, but a person.

If you were to research the New Testament canonization, you would see that it was done entirely by the early Catholic church who is infamous for having an agenda. In the 4th century AD, the Roman emperor Constantine, a pagan worshiper of the sun god, Sol Invictus, made Christianity the official religion of Rome. Why? It was a political move to essentially back the winning team. He saw how Christianity was spreading, and wanted to be on the winning side of history. In order to make his fellow pagan worshipers more open to the idea of Christianity, he began to combine traditions. For example, one thing he changed was making Sunday the day of rest, rather than the traditional Sabbath day (Saturday). Sun-day. See it?

That was a bit irrelevant, but I felt like you should know that, because it is relevant to how the Catholic church has always been. The New Testament (NT) was canonized essentially by one man: Athanasius, the Bishop of Alexandria.The Catholic church at the time (not to say that it has much changed) was run entirely by men with an agenda, like I said. So, any books of the NT that they didn’t like, they omitted. While only 4 gospels are included in our canonized Bibles (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John), there were many more written and excluded from the Bible. One, in fact, was written by Mary Magdalene, the so-called prostitute friend of Jesus.

Mary Magdalene was known by Jesus’ other disciples as his “favorite.” The disciples asked in this book how Jesus could prefer a woman to them, and how He loved Mary more than He loved them. Why? Jesus may not have been the bachelor that many assume Him to be. He may have been married to Mary Magdalene. He may have had a child. The Holy Grail would then not be a chalice, but the descendants of Jesus Christ.

Now, the Priory of Sion. The Priory of Sion is an alleged group created by the Catholic church to protect its interests and to carry out good deeds. They are known, though, for being the ones to guard the secret of the Holy Grail. Historically, they would have been major proponents of the arts, and some famously suspected members include Victor Hugo, Sandro Botticelli, Claude Debussy, Isaac Newton, and last but certainly not least, Leonardo DaVinci. These all would have been people who knew the secret of the Holy Grail.

One of Davinci’s most famous pieces of art is The Last Supper, which depicts Jesus at a table with His disciples. More important, perhaps, than the artwork itself is a bit that so many people have looked over for so long. There is a woman in the painting.

Sitting on Jesus’ right is a woman. See her? No?

Better? Mary Magdalene. There is so much more I could say about the sacred feminine here, but this post is already excessively long, so kudos to you if you’ve gotten this far. If you care to hear about the sacred feminine, just ask. Clearly I like to talk. Basically, if you haven’t picked up what I’m putting down, is that it is highly probable that DaVinci would have been a part of the Priory of Sion, and had he been, he would have known the secret of the Holy Grail and that Jesus may have been married to Mary Magdalene. Thus, the Holy Grail may be wandering the halls of a monastery or something as I write this.

Anyway. Feel free to ask questions, add on, or debate! This is all just speculation that I am relaying. I’m not even sure how much of it I believe, but I find it fascinating nonetheless. And remember kids, don’t believe everything you read. This may all just be my own BS, so you should probably fact check me (wink wink).

Fide et amor,

Kira

[seven-oomen]

Please talk about Noah! Your takes are super interesting and I'd love to hear your thoughts on this!

(hope you're having a nice day!)

Alright then strap in! Because I am about to tell you why I think Noah Stilinski is;

A. Bisexual

B. Has the inattentive type of ADHD

Let’s begin!

First off, I think Noah Stilinksi is a bisexual man who has a preference for feminine presenting people. (As one would typically see women dress/appear in western society.) I don’t particularly have evidence for this, I tried scouring S3 to find clues of it, but honestly, I think this is just one of those, I headcanon it and therefore to me, it is true. If you have a different opinion, then awesome, you do you. 

I mean there are some looks between him and Chris Argent that can be interpreted as interested, but you’d have to look very closely. For now, it’s just one of those things, to me it’s like that, and I have fun with it.

Like father, like son right? Except Stiles would be more on the 50/50 scale of bisexuality where I think Noah is more on the 70/30 scale leaning towards feminine people.

As for his ADHD, I did find a lot of clues and tidbits there, so: 

Notice how the sheriff is frequently standing with his arms crossed as if he’s either trying to protect himself (trauma-based) or trying to keep himself from moving too much (ADHD based). This would also explain why the sheriff is often seen standing too still. He also tends to talk with his hands, which is another thing a lot of ADHD people have in common. Though to be fair a lot of NT people do this too.

However here in 3x01 we see the sheriff fully focused on this person while they’re trying to work something out.

Then the next second, Melissa enters the hallway and Noah’s undivided attention is suddenly on her, he barely remembers to utter out an excuse me before addressing Melissa. And he does it as if every neuron in his brain is suddenly focused on her. “Oh hey, Melissa!” 

*Brain switch. Undivided attention is now on Melissa.*

This is a form of hyper-focusing, and if you’ve been trained from a young age you do this while making it look NT-passing. You mask it. I do this. People with ADHD-C or ADHD-I that have a basis in trauma tend to this in my experience.

Like Stiles tends to do, the sheriff too, is moving around fidgeting in the blurry background. He’s talking faster than he can process which is picked up on by his stutters. While he’s trying to figure out a resolution to this conflict. 

You can also tell that there might be some RSD at play here due to the fact that he seems very keen to keep the peace in the scene and wants everyone to get along and let’s keep everyone around me chill. This may not seem like a stereotypical ADHD thing to do, but it’s very common in ADHD-I types.

In the scene with Deaton that he shares in this episode, as well as numerous scenes with Stiles and other characters. You can always see him thinking, you can practically see the wheels turning in his head as he tries to make connections and tries to focus on what lies ahead of him and what people are saying to him. 

Sometimes he successfully succeeds in listening and processing. You see this by his frowns, little head movements. But as soon as those arms cross or his frown deepens you can tell someone is trying to flip the switch, but the light’s not turning on. The information isn’t being processed by his brain. He’s trying to defend himself.

Again, this is a typical thing for someone with ADHD-I who’s been trained and has had extensive therapy to cope with his symptoms. For a while and for general conversations/problems, you are capable of holding the thread. When things get complicated, that’s when you start to see the thread unraveling in Noah’s head.

In 3x02 there’s a moment of impatience as he wakes the boys up but also clearly a look on his face that says a few things.

1. Omg Stiles has done it again.

2. Look at the state of this room where do I even begin? I don’t know, so I just won’t bother.

3. Oh no I have absolutely been here and now I have to deal with my son being in this state too.

So he does the most logical thing to him, he doesn’t deal with it. Just his executive dysfunction going off and thinking; nope I’m not dealing with this, I need to get work, I don’t have time to sit down (hence the mug in his hands.) Man is probably running late already and only now waking the boys up because he realizes they’re A. still in his house. And B. not off to school yet and he needs to get going too.

He has a moment like this in multiple episodes where his impatience and incapability of dealing with a situation in front of him causes him to physically drag Stiles away and using too much force to do it. Though judging by Stiles’s reactions, and the way he relaxes after being grabbed, the sheriff seems to realize how hard he is grabbing and eases up every single time.

And that seems like a little detail, but not knowing your own strength is also a thing that can correspond with ADHD. (Though it can occur in NT people and other conditions as well. Or generally, be caused by anger.) But for the sake of this essay or meta, I will attribute it to Noah having ADHD.

In 3x09 Stiles finally clues him in on what’s happening in Beacon Hills and we can clearly see that he’s struggling to process everything. One could attribute that purely to; 

1. Noah is trying to come to terms that supernatural creatures are real and this would be a lot for anyone to process. Which is a fair and a totally valid assumption.

2. However, we see signs of Noah already starting to believe something is up from the very beginning. There’s always been a side to the sheriff where he was willing to believe or give people the benefit of the doubt when it came to the supernatural. Like in 3x03 when he tells his deputy: “She saw something.”

This leads me to believe that the real matter at hand is that Noah simply can’t process all that information at that time and he needs a few days to think it over in order to do so. Which could be a sign of a processing problem due to ADHD. (Although as I have pointed out, it could also be interpreted as an NT just getting a lot of crazy information at once. Take it as you will.)

In 3x07 Stiles and Scott argue over whether or not to tell Noah what’s going on with the sacrifices. Stiles points out that they shouldn’t because his father is completely overwhelmed.

This can be attributed to several things and interpreted in different ways. Let’s lay down the most obvious one; the sheriff has no idea what’s going on, he has the FBI on his case, and multiple murders on his hands and essentially a serial killer. All of these on their own are enough to be overwhelmed by, yes.

I choose to interpret it as a combination of all of these factors combined with an inability to process this much information or information in general. Which is another symptom of ADHD-I.

We also hear him frequently telling Stiles and the other kids to ‘go home, get to class, go to school.’ Basically what he’s doing in moments like this is 1. looking out for them. 2. Unable to cope and process with all the information he’s been giving during that time and instead of lashing out at the kids, he tries a coping mechanism that’s called divert or redirect. Where you try to redirect people/thoughts/object into a direction or thought process that’s far more manageable to you. 

Which is something that I’ve been taught to do myself in therapy. And that is why I think it’s something Noah has been taught to do as well. Either in the Army/Police Academy. or during therapy sessions.

Now, this is what I like to call Noah’s; I’m trying to process what you’re trying to tell me face. And so far, I’m keeping up. You see the pursed lips, the frown on his face, the slightly squinted eyes. He’s focusing on what Stiles is trying to tell him.

Here he is looking away for a second, processing, trying to manage information. We see him frown further, his lip tensing further, he has to try harder.

He’s processing, processing, he blinks. And then this is the face he pulls right after the blink.

The frown has deepened, he's still following Stiles for now but you can see he’s starting to lose the train of thought here.

Stiles keeps explaining, pulls out the chessboard to explain what is going on.

And Noah has completely lost his train of thought. He has no idea what Stiles is saying to him anymore and no way to process all of the information that Stiles is giving him after this moment. He gets impatient, is annoyed at the things Stiles is telling him. That is because he’s emotionally, and physically overwhelmed. 

He deals with a lot of things in his job and he always seems utterly exhausted because of it. I think that is because his job is exhausting. But I also think it has to do with Noah not being able to filter sounds, stimuli, the inability to process things like an NT. I think Noah suffers from a high level of empathy, this combined with sensory processing issues results in someone who’s constantly trying to filter them out and failing. Resulting in chronic fatigue, turning to other means of dealing (Alcoholism), impatience, etc.

He also seems to have trouble regulating his emotions, as we see with his frequent snaps and jabs at Stiles but he also seems to try and be better about it and regret it when he does snap. We also know that in order to numb his pain and his emotions Noah turned to Alcohol to cope, as sad as it is, this is common in people with ADHD. Who often turn to substances to cope with their symptoms and their inability to regulate themselves, anything to numb all the feelings and their own shortcomings. Noah seems to have fallen into that trap too.

-

I think my favorite moment in this scene comes right after with this face:

And the question of; “Why is Jackson the Kanima?”

Which tells me a few things.

1. After everything, that’s the first question he truly asks as he leans back and tries to process things.

2. This may point to an inability to prioritize tasks/thoughts, which is another symptom of ADHD-I. Which for Noah seems to occur when he’s not on the job or with people he trusts and doesn’t have to mask for. (He does this too when he asks Derek at the station; “But if he doesn’t have a mouth, how does he eat?”) Suggesting that this is a more regular occurrence than we see on the show.

And at this point, I can no longer concentrate on this since I’ve lost my hyper-focus. But I think I managed to compile a pretty decent list.

And that is why I think Noah Stilinski is Bisexual and has ADHD.

Tagging: @mostly-vo1d and @artemisa97 since they are usually involved in these things too. You don’t have to respond of course, but if you feel up to it, join in.

[barnesbabee]

Okay. Here goes;

I'm gonna address her as L. L used to cancel on me quite a lot a few years ago, she would wait until we were either about to meet up or it was a few minutes after to say "I'm not coming" or "I havant left the house yet, I'm still in bed," giving me a wasted PAID journey. I'm totally okay with people needing to cancel if they tell me in plenty of time. I've had people cancel on me but they've always told me at least an hour before, which I'm completely fine with.

Once when I was at work, she called me, said she felt really down and I needed to come see her. At that time I couldn't, (there was an incident at work and police were there so I couldn't exactly vanish and told her this), god I was called every name under the sun. A bitch, a c*nt, that I didn't care about her. Even told me if she killed herself, it would be my fault. I had a panic attack in work. Ended up having to leave early anyway and when I got to her, her first words to me were, "wanna go to the cinema?" I was like o.o what? I remember us arguing about it and then we didn't talk for about a month. She said she only made that comment because she knew I would come to her :(

During that time I was fresh out of a bad relationship, so I was quite sad and vulnerable and looking back, idk if she was taking advantage of that vulnerability or not.

She did end up apologising and we had a very long and serious talk about it.

About 3 weeks ago now, I had a week off annual leave from work, and my mum and I went fishing together, just to get some peace and quiet and have time out of the house. I went fishing on the Saturday, had made a post about how I would be gone for probably about 10 hours and where we went, the signal isn't the best and that if anyone needed me, I'd get back to them when I had signal, L purposely blew up my phone with phone calls and messaged me on snapchat, saying how I was a bad friend for not answering her calls and that I needed to pick up. That today was an important day to her and she needed to speak with me. I genuinely felt awful that I hurt her :( until it turned out that the important day was her cousin having her baby. I had 45 missed calls from her...

Honestly, looking back NOW, my partner and I have realized she can be quite manipulative and she has toxic traits. And he thinks I'm so much better off without her. I guess it just partly annoyed me because we were best friends when we were kids until the whole vaccine comments.

In the last 7 hours, I've received a message from her asking if we can meet up tomorrow, reading it I felt more pissed off than anything else. I haven't responded to her and I don't want to.

(She has done other things but these are the worst)

I feel like I've been too nice to her and given her too many chances that now I'm just exhausted...

I'm like a pro at not knowing when to let go because you just like someone too much, and cling onto memories

But when it's time, it's time. I know what it feels like, that little sadness inside remembering the good old times, but people change, and not for the better sometimes and you just gotta think that the person you liked is gone

I can't believe you actually put up with that and I'm happy that you got out of that, and I hope you keep staying out of it

and trust me, she's texting not because she misses you, but because she doesn't have anyone to manipulate and gaslight anymore

[neworleansspecial]

Accidents Happen (The Med Groupchat)

Part Eight - Previous Parts and this one available on AO3

crickett: it was an accident i swear i didnt mean to i didnt

Nat: @Ethan Choi @connor can one of you take his phone

connor: he’s nonverbal rn

Bekker: Has anyone heard what happened?

Dr. Lanik: According to the paramedics, Crockett’s car was stationary. They were sitting inside, not driving, because it was cold. They were eating and smoking when a drunk driver hit them from behind. They were near the cliff side, so their car fell about ten feet before getting caught on the rocks and first responders rescued them. 

Dr. Lanik: Crockett has a moderate head injury and some scrapes and bruises. Maggie is stable with an open fracture of the radius, closed rib fractures. Sarah has broken glass injuries and a shoulder dislocation. Elsa is the worst off with a head injury we’re still controlling the bleeding of, a partial pneumothorax. 

crickett: didnt mean to

connor: he’s being evaluated for shock right now. it doesn’t help that he’s still high. 

Bekker: Sarah too. It’s making her calm at least. 

Ethan Choi: He’s probably never going to smoke again

FreeWilly: is that really what ur worried about 

Ethan Choi: That’s not what I meant

crickett: didnt see the car

Bekker: We know, honey. It’s not your fault. 

no-ah: is everyone going to be okay?

April: Physically, it looks like it. Elsa is in a rough place but I’m sure she’ll be fine. 

-

Crockett: didnt see the car i didnt mean to

Crockett: was driving

Crockett: foot on the brake 

Crockett: no i was 

Crockett: accident

- 

Other Bekker: my hands have been released from prison

Bekker: (plastics pulling the glass out of them and bandaging/stitching where necessary)

no-ah: do you remember what happened?

Other Bekker: most of it

Other Bekker: its not @crickett’s fault 

Other Bekker: the other driver had a 0.13 BAC on the scene, and crockett wasn’t even driving. he wouldn’t until he sobered up a little 

Ethan Choi: I called his outpatient center and they suggested returning to inpatient for a few days for his safety while he processes this.

Other Bekker: is that what crockett wants

Ethan Choi: It’s what he needs

Other Bekker :/

Dr. Lanik: Elsa is awake!

Nat: That’s good! How is she?

Dr. Lanik: A bit disoriented, but that’s to be expected. Her waking up is a really good sign. The chest tube is in place and we have her on supportive care. 

April: I’m glad everyone will be okay

no-ah: and hows mags

Maggie<3: I’m okay, they’re taking me to surgery

no-ah: good luck !

crickett: iwanndhohiewnalredyitguers

Nat: ???

FreeWilly: I speak high he wants to go home and hes in pain

Nat: That raises more questions than it answers 

Ethan Choi: What hurts?

Dr. Lanik: I’ll come give him another checkup, see if I can’t figure out what’s going on

connor: probably a headache from the head injury

Dr. Lanik: Probably but better safe than sorry. I’d rather rule out anything else. 

- 

Dr. Marcel: head

Dr. Marcel: like gyutar 

Dr. Marcel: sleep?

-

April: Good morning everyone, how are you all feeling?

Queen Elsa: Like I got hit by a bus <3

Other Bekker: it was a four door sedan actually

Queen Elsa: That’s not helpful 

Other Bekker: :)

Maggie<3: I’m doing good, just sore. 

Ethan Choi: I took Crockett to his hospital today, he’s inpatient for five days, longer if he’s a threat to himself or his sobriety

Other Bekker: hot take but did he agree

Dr. Lanik: We spend so much time talking about Crockett

FreeWilly: theres always something to talk about with him you know

Bekker: on another note, we’re hosting a movie party next week if anyone’s interested. Kid friendly for our daughter. Disney movies, no alcohol, lots of food.

Queen Elsa: I’ll be there! I love disney

Queen Elsa: If I’m out of the hospital

April: You probably will be @QueenElsa

connor: @OtherBekker Crockett didn’t want to go at first but he eventually agreed it was best. he’s allowed to have his phone and if he passes three evals in a row, he can check out. he failed this morning’s eval obviously

no-ah: i worry about him

connor: don’t, besides, he wouldn’t like that 

Queen Elsa: how ever will we be stuffed with his home cooking? /s

Dr. Lanik: What’s /s

Queen Elsa: It means I’m being sarcastic or making a joke, since tone doesn’t always come over text

Dr. Lanik: That’s such a good idea? 

Queen Elsa: It really is, and it’s really helpful for neurodivergent and anxious people, like me.

Other Bekker: solidarity

Dr. Lanik: What’s neurodivergent?

Queen Elsa: It describes someone who has an “abnormal” (I don’t think that’s the best word?) development or brain function. Basically it just means that your brain doesn’t function the same way as most people. I’m neurodivergent because I’m autistic. 

Other Bekker: me too because I have ADHD. and Crockett.

Dr. Lanik: Oh. I’m neurodivergent.

Other Bekker: neurodivergent squad

crickett: adhd/ocd babey

Bekker: Does OCD count?

Queen Elsa: Depends who you ask but most people say yes

Nat: I’ve literally never heard of this 

crickett: point and laugh it’s a nt

Queen Elsa: (NT means neurotypical, which is someone who isn’t neurodivergent)

Queen Elsa: That’s not very nice Crockett.

crickett: natalie isn’t very nice to me about being nd so 

Dr. Lanik: Oh?

connor: to be fair Nat you’re kinda rude about stuff that’s out of people’s control

Nat: Why am I being attacked right now?

Other Bekker: you’re not lmao

Dr. Lanik: Let’s all take a deep breath and calm down. 

FreeWilly: That’s a yikes from me

Maggie<3: I’ve never heard of that stuff, thank you Elsa.

Queen Elsa: No problem. I have some good websites for reading if anyone cares.

Dr. Lanik: DM them to me please 

no-ah: I think I might be neurodivergent

crickett: squad goals

Other Bekker: never met a neurotypical friend group, always most of ems got to be divergent

-

Dr. Lanik: Thank you, I didn’t know that there’s a whole… community, if that makes sense?

Elsa Curry: Yeah no problem. I didn’t know until I was in college, and I joined a club for Autistic people like me. It’s really nice to talk to people who understand what it’s like and have shared experience. 

Dr. Lanik: Are there organizations like that for adults? As in, ones for people like me?

Elsa Curry: Probably! You can look it up online and I’ll keep an eye out for something you might like. 

Dr. Lanik: Thank you.