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theawakenedstate · 2 years ago

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I wanted to take you a little bit behind the scenes of my Inspiration behind Why I created this book.

I remember it like yesterday,

It was around 2013-2014, I was on Maternity leave after just having my son, Godric. My love came home really upset.

he said he just lost his job and we had NO CLUE how we were going to make it now.

Both of us not working, living at my parent’s at the time and a newborn – so we were also sleep deprived on top of it LOL. It was messy. We were both deeply upset, I remember that holiday we didn’t buy presents – My mom bought us a few things for the Baby we could give from ‘santa’ and that was really it. I felt devastated… Around Spring – I was really desperate for Change, and I was tired of feeling panicked about depending on others and having chronic money anxiety.

I was telling myself ‘I just need a SOLUTION. Some type of Change or perspective shift, i cannot feel this negative and hopeless.’ I need hope!

And with that simple intention, one of my internet friends and i were chatting. She told me she wanted to share a book with me on her Kindle, it was called “The Magic” – Maybe you’ve heard of it? I was desperate for just a shred of hope so I read this book daily religiously and followed along – It was a 28 Day Gratitude Challenge to teach you how to Attract what you want Via the power of Gratitude. (featuring the early teachings of the law of attraction) This was my second introduction to Manifestation. I knew of the concept of ‘thoughts create reality’ BUT – I never really experienced it before.

my gratitude jar from 2014

I set intentions each day and I put them in what I called ‘My gratitude jar’ – i didn’t even have a journal! Lol it was tiny pieces of post it paper that i wrote on and put in this jar. (sidenote, that jar got broke when i had a massive money uplevel, 2 apartments – years later ) this book gave me hope, wonder, inspiration and I started experiencing a 360 degree shift in my mindset.

And then MY REALITY STARTED SHIFTING.

I went from feeling really bitter, annoyed, desperate and slightly negatively depressed to focusing on ALL the good in my life. I was so positive out of nowhere, appreciating the food I ate to nourish my body, appreciating the bills & checks I paid, grateful to have a warm house for my baby, instead of feeling resentful that i didn’t have my own home – and so forth!

My perspective started shifting and as a result from that – My reality started changing. Within those 28 days, things got WEIRD –

the more I set gratitude intentions – I started having big shifts physically:

+ I started losing a ton of my baby weight and easily fit back into my pre-prego jeans. + I started attracting Free things LIKE CRAZY – giveaways, discounts, Free Gifts, random encounters, Money in the street, Random money. Like money everywhere. + We Attracted my Love a good-paying job to help us start to save money I felt inspired that if we really wanted to make something happen, we had to start saving money – We started Saving money for our own apartment, startng with literally $20 a month. it was nuts lol.

So many crazy things happened during that time period in such a short amount of time.

– resulting in us finding a crazy affordable 2 bedroom apartment for only 550 for rent special the entire year including water and most utilities – except electric ( which is pretty cheap considering how nice it was) most places around town were starting at 990 or $1020 ) – I started the website! This website. which resulted in starting the business. – I discovered Digital courses for the first time – which is a big part of my business.

And From all of this – I became OBSESSED with trying to figure out Why, That very simple gratitude challenge produced such a 360 Mindset Shift.

I needed to know WHY.

I was literally obsessed with figuring out Manifestation and how to get better at it, I started questioning why could i manifest some things easily but not others? Why could I manifest a New Car but Not a house? Why did it work easily on non-resistant things – but not as easily on BIG things like, owning a house, six figures or millions of dollars! And As my experiments grew – I started creating my own Mindset Challenges – that worked FASTER, Easier and as a result Helped me Believe in Manifesting.

In the beginning, there was a ton of disbelief, “like HOW did i even manifest that?!” “How did i manifest that money, what even happened?” How did i move out soooo fast once i applied gratitude?!”

I was out of the house in a MONTH – after setting intentions about it. I was in so much wonder, disbelief, and doubt – at the same time I was obsessed with doing it with bigger things.

And I knew my problem was Self-belief. I didn’t BELIEVE I could do it. So I started playing with Challenges and it flipped the entire game for me. I made it similar to what i learned in the 28 day Magic days of gratitude challenge – but I changed all the exercises to actively support my Self-belief.

And My First one I called it, The Awakened bliss Creator Challenge – a 30 Day challenge to Awaken your BLISS as a co-creator of reality.

Here’s the thing, most teachings completely dismiss this step and yet it’s the most important piece of the puzzle.

It isn’t that you can’t manifest. It isn’t that you can’t manifest BIG things.

It’s your DEGREE of BELIEF towards BELIEVING you can attract and have that thing. It’s your self-belief.

What I started to realize, very quickly was the more i did challenges – I was consistently building up my self-belief that I could manifest what I want. And As I kept doing it – It became easier and easier to manifest.

Part of the Journey of creating this book and sharing it, is the realization that, I know what it’s like being on the other side of that! In Self-doubt, Disbelief, confused, Hopeless and Lost on your direction in life – not really sure if you’re going anywhere. I totally Get it, The origin of this book – is made so that anyone can pick up these pages and learn to manifest within 30 days or less. Anyone who is willing to discover the magic – will experience it themselves and most importantly, you will begin to know and experience – You are more powerful than any situation, circumstance or obstacle in your pathway. Your Belief is what will take you far.

And When you Believe in yourself? WATCH OUT WORLD –

You can do anything.

but first, it starts from within,

it’s an inner game

and that means,

If you’re not changing your perspective, no one will do that for you either.

Don’t you feel it’s time for real new beginnings? Grab your Copy today and see for yourself 😉 Awaken You Power to Manifest: A 30 Day Manifestation Challenge

Transformation is Always Possible, Change is only a moment away for the highest good of all, But you have to get intentional about it. it’s bizarre how much life can change when you start to get more intentional on WHAT YOU WANT FOR YOUR LIFE. 🙂

Dec. 2013 June 2022.

A lot can change in 9 years!

P.S. It’s the Final Weekend on the Anniversary Sale for Awaken Your Power to Manifest: 30 Day Challenge workbook! https://www.amazon.com/Awaken-Your-Power-Manifest-Manifestation/dp/B09RM5XH2S/ref=sr_1_1?crid=30VK4EXDP3CLK&geniuslink=true

You can get your OWN printed copy for only $9.99 for the Anniversary Sale on Amazon right below – that’s over 60% off it’s original price. 😮😯🤭

Also – We’d love to hear from you Readers! What did you Manifest? What did you love about the challenge? Give us a comment on FB or drop a review on Amazon.

Thanks so much for your Support!

Happy Manifesting 😘

READY FOR MY MANIFESTING CHALLENGE! P.S. S. International Link:

Awaken Your Power to Manifest: A 30 Day Manifestation Challenge

https://www.theawakenedstate.net/i-cant-believe-i-manifested-that/

I Can't Believe I manifested that...

I wanted to take you a little bit behind the scenes of my Inspiration behind Why I created this book. I remember it like yesterday, It was around 2013-2014, I was on Maternity leave after just having my son, Godric. My love came home really upset. he said he just lost his job and we had […]

#manifestation #manifestation challenge #mindset #stories

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laele25 · 2 years ago

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I want to scream...

Family group texts are thing now. I am glad for this, because I have found several members of my family have fallen down the herbal and fad diet rabbit hole with absolutely no idea that supplements and commercial diets are completely unregulated and not held to any labeling standards in the US. Thanks to our for profit non-healthcare system, more and more Americans are turning to supplements and outright snake oil to treat their illnesses. I can’t blame anybody, I have a barely treated chronic pain disorder and I know how miserable that is. Also, I am not against responsible uses of non-medical treatments or diets that teach people better eating habits. I had good experience with acupuncture and try to eat as few processed foods as monetarily possible because of the insane amount of sugar and salt in them. If lavender diffusion makes you happy, go for it. But be aware of the risks as well. And that’s my problem. There’s no warning labels and often times, the advertising is downright dishonest. Because again, there’s no regulation and no testing requirements.

One aunt, who has diabetes, is taking tumeric for her arthritis. Which has been shown to cause jaundice and liver damage at high doses and lower blood sugar levels. That second one might actually be good for her, I don’t know. I think her dose is okay, but I am glad I just rolled my eyes and moved on when people kept insisting it was the miracle cure for fibromyalgia. After looking at drugs.com and poison control’s sites, it seemed to only be nominally helpful for inflammatory pain. Which while some of the pain associated with fibro causes inflammation (like costochondritis ), the majority of the pain is from our misfiring pain neurons. Which is not inflammatory.

My sister is taking 5 htp and lavender for her depression, which sent up another red flag. Never, ever, ever take any essential oil internally unless in trace amounts. Like as a seasoning. Strike one against this stuff. I had never heard of 5 htp so I had a google and low and behold, there’s no scientific evidence this works any better than placebo. Quelle surprise. So yeah, it’s woo and I hope it’s not dangerous woo. But her reason? “No script and no side effects.’ Okay, that made literally bite my tongue. Because there are always side effects. Sometimes, like with my anxiety and antidepressant meds, the drowsy side effect makes it so I can sleep without an addictive, expensive sleep aid. Since I recently found out there is only so much antihistamine my body tolerates and that’s what most OTC sleep aids are and I sleep ate when I took Ambien. But sometimes the side effects can kill you or make you more miserable than what you’re taking it for. When I took Lyrica the first time, my feet swelled up so much I couldn’t put my shoes on to go to the doctor. She told me to stop taking it immediately, of course. But side effects are always a thing. But again, I can’t blame her. It costs $200 or more just to get an appointment with a doctor. Then there’s labs and tests piled onto the bill. Prescriptions are getting more and more expensive. And the snake oil peddlers and anti-science wackjobs are taking advantage. And it’s terrifying.

And then there’s my mom. Her doctor told her to lose weight and drink more water to take some of the strain off her kidneys. So she started a diet. At first, it seemed pretty solid, sold itself as a lifestyle change and was a lot like the Mediterranean diet I tried a few years back. Which is a very healthy (but expensive) way to eat in general. But then she started demonizing carbs. And complaining she’d only lost 20 lbs in two months. Yeah, it was mostly water weight, but she was upset she was only losing a little weight every week since then. Which is how it’s supposed to go. Did her diet tell her this? Of course not. And she’s going to start feeling tired if she keeps avoiding all carbs like they’re poison. It’s hard enough to see ads for this shit and hear the Karens screaming about vaccines being poison and feeding essential oils to their kids, but knowing your own family is being sucked in makes it even harder. I have tried to insert sanity repeatedly, but I don’t expect to be listened to because they’ve been promised the moon and they don’t want to hear about how it isn’t going to happen. Which is the worst part of all.

#health #woo #science #healthy diet #healthcare

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tgandc · 2 years ago

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things i’ve learned in 14 years of ed life and need to remind myself every once and awhile: (really it’s been almost 18, but the most severe years were between the ages of 14-28)

1. don’t set a date to lose weight by. you’ll sabotage yourself. instead, set a goal weight, and a plan to meet that goal, and give yourself time to meet it.

2. don’t punish yourself for slipping and eating. you’re human. you need food to survive. you’re starving yourself. you’re going to break your fast one day. or “forget” you’re restricting one day because you saw something that looked sooo damn good and you ate it without even realizing. you’re going to go over your calorie limit once and awhile. you’re going to binge. it’s inevitable.

3. learn how to curb the binges. just cause you start, doesn’t mean it’s too late to stop. if you eat 100 calories, don’t turn it into 1000. you can burn off the extra 100-500cals way easier than 5000.

4. learn your triggers. avoid them.

5. just exercising doesn’t work well. just starving yourself doesn’t work well. you need to restrict AND work out. seriously. the results are in and i just lost 35lbs in 3 months. like my drs MA that weighed me saw the red line and exclamation mark that i’d lost 20% of my body weight in 3 months and she flipped out. my weight loss has slowed a little the last 2-3 weeks and it’s 100% because i stopped exercising as much when school started. i usually walk 3 miles every morning on the track after i drop my son off at daycare. it’s my lifeline. if i don’t walk the track every morning now i get super pissy, shit gets bad, and i either gain weight or plateau. restricting and working out work wayyyy better if you do them together.

6. drink water! i know everyone says this. but everyone says this for a reason. it keeps your tummy full so you eat less food, it helps flush everything out, it helps keep your digestive system running, it helps keep your face clear, it helps keep the headaches down, it helps you lose weight… water is just super good for you and you should drink it. but don’t drink too much. if you dilute your body too much, you can kill yourself. literally. if you drink too much water (e.g. 2-3 gallons in under an hour) you’ll die. so don’t drink that much. but, ya know… a gallon, or a gallon and a half spread out over a day is good.

7. allow yourself a treat every once and awhile. not a binge. not an unhealthy treat. it doesn’t even have to be a food treat. but give in once and awhile. get your nails done, take a fun class, make something, draw something, have an ice cream cone. do give yourself the opportunity to indulge in something. or else you become bitter and resentful.

8. once a week, up your calories by at least 200-500. it’ll kickstart your metabolism and you’ll lose weight faster. just don’t keep up the higher calorie count for more than ONE DAY or you’ll start gaining again. but one of those days every couple weeks is great to avoid a plateau.

9. when your clothes start getting really baggy, buy a smaller size. there’s nothing quite as rewarding as going from a large to a small. i just made the switch a few weeks ago and it’s amazing.

10. feel your b0ne3. rub your hands over your r1b3, your h1pb0n3s, your c0llarb0n3s look at your thigh gap.. get on tumblr, look at th1nsp0, it’ll keep you motivated.

11. take lots of pictures. it’s great to look back and see the progression from fat and gross to being skinny and beautiful 🥰

12. stay safe ♥️

all pics in this post are me ☺️

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ihaveneverfeltsogood · 3 years ago

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Mirabel’s Fourth Pregnancy Monologue.

Summary: Mirabel has been pregnant three times since she met the love of her life Takanori (my oc) last pregnancy the baby was a whole week late this time she gonna make sure that he’s on time.

To my future fourth child,

When are you gonna get here!

“Pregnancy is fun for me but it also really difficult especially during the third trimester. Everything hurts!”

“My back, my ankles, my feet, everything! I wasn’t planning on getting pregnant again after my third was born but love had other plans. When Dolores told Me that she heard another heartbeat inside me I was immediately smitten with the thought of another little person growing inside me.”

“My first child Carlos was unplanned I was unmarried and only 24. My second Valentina only two years after Carlos was unexpected but welcomed. 6 months after the birth of Valentina I was pregnant with my third Oscar my toughest pregnancy.”

“My Oscar came a week late I was miserable, I felt fat and exasperated. It was then I decided that I was done having babies both me and Takanori agreed that our family was complete but we didn’t take any extra precautions to make sure that it didn’t happen again, and three years later here I am very very pregnant and close to my due date.”

“Mi familia is worried about me considering last time the birth was short but difficult. When Carlos and Valentina were born I lost a lot of blood during both births, the same thing happened with Oscar. The doctor and midwife’s were very concerned about me going though it again.”

Seriously I love carrying you in my belly and feeling you move and kick but you need to come out.

“My Madre and Padre were not surprised they didn’t think that i would carry on the tradition of having only three kids. Takanori also wasn’t surprised by it ever since before Carlos was born we had stopped being ‘careful’ I had spent most of my 20s pregnant because of him.”

“ Remember when I first started noticing changes in my body after Dolores told me about the heartbeat in my belly. Things like getting tired easily one moment but having a burst of energy the next. “

Nothing makes me happier than to feel you growing inside me, and I adore you and I haven’t even met you yet, I want to see you as soon as possible so hurry up.

“My children all reacted differently, Carlos who is only seven going on eight wasn’t particularly happy, he was already shared so much attention with Valentina and Oscar so at first he wasn’t excited but as the weeks went on he became okay with the idea.”

“Valentina who is four going on five wants a baby sister who she could play dress up with her brothers did stuff like that with her sometimes but they didn’t always wanted to play with her. So if I have a girl that would be great for she already has a little brother and she’s quite outmatched.”

“My quietest baby 3 year old Oscar was old enough to understand some of it but didn’t really get why my stomach started to grow and would always ask if I ate too much. Which would make me laugh out loud at question. Eventually he got it, but then he started asking me if it hurt me for my stomach to get so big”

“My husband was excited about the pregnancy either all of our children were so young and needed so much attention he was worried that four children all so close together would be challenging for us but then he saw just how much they were all growing so fast he started to miss having a baby around the house.”

Honestly I was very concerned about the changes in my body like growing belly and not being able to move around as quick as I could before and having to use the restroom every 39 minutes my bladder isn’t a kick ball baby.

“All of my pregnancies were all different than the other, with Carlos I didn’t start showing until the end of the third month but after that I gained weight quite quickly by the sixth month I couldn’t see my feet, he was born at a good eight pounds. I also developed a new appetite when my back would hurt eating was the only thing that made me feel better but I was so sensitive to the smell of certain foods. My chest started to change, I would get nauseated during the mornings and then I would get nauseated in the evenings as well so I only ate in the early afternoon. I found out I was pregnant from just paying attention to the signs and remembering what it was like when Tia Pepa was pregnant with Antonio. My Mama found out the same way I did just paying attention, right around my 24th birthday I would get up early in the morning like always and immediately started hurling whatever I had the night before into the toilet, Mama would hear me groaning and moaning sickly inside the bathroom and come rub my back. This routine continued for days until the day of my birthday and she asked me when my last period was that’s when I knew she knew.”

“With Valentina I showed early but not that much by six months in I could still see my toes which concerned me everyone though it was strange too because both me and Dolores were pregnant at the time she was also having a girl but she was much bigger than me even though she was just month behind me, Valentina was born a week early and was six pounds. I also slept in a lot which I never did I was always an early raiser even in my first pregnancy, it took me awhile to figure out I was pregnant for a second time mostly because the second time around the symptoms were so different. I would sleep everywhere but I wasn’t very nauseous or sick and my body wasn’t feeling off at all.”

“When I was pregnant with Oscar I had high blood pressure and he was always moving which made me think he was gonna have a loud personality but no when he came out he didn’t cry very loud which made me worried but he was breathing just fine he just never cried that loud ever not even when he was hungry it was almost like he didn’t want to disturb anyone. And even now he very quiet and he just like’s to keep to himself.”

Your brothers and sister were all such different experiences and I am so lucky to have seen them grow up the way I will see you grow up.

“This time around all the symptoms from my previous pregnancies all came back for this one, the nausea, the high blood pressure, the never ending tiredness and my belly was bigger than ever.”

“Your probably wondering why I said that pregnancy was fun for me and it is despite it being so hard, it little things that make it worthwhile like the excitement of a new life, my family never letting me work to hard so relaxing was easier than when I wasn’t pregnant.”

I love how your father gently rest his head on my belly to talk to you, and how your sister reads her story books to you, also going out in town and everyone doting on us is a guilty pleasure of mine. I promise Mi Bebe I Will Always look after you, your coming into a safe loving family so anytime now.

Love Mama.

#mama mirabel au #mirabel madrigal #encanto #disney #pregnant mirabel madrigal

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trashforhockeyguys · 3 years ago

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Don’t Hold Me -20- Carter Hart

A/N: So umm the whole thing takes place in a hospital. Mentions of serious injuries, and all that goes with that. Other than that though, nothing too triggering? I don’t think? As always all previous parts are linked in my master list.

Travis scanned over all of the articles that came out as soon as it became public knowledge who was involved. The media team was doing everything they could to keep it quiet and control the coverage, but news crews were already set up outside of the hospital. They didn’t know who did it. Carter didn’t know the guy, nor could he give an accurate description. It was too dark, it all happened too fast. All anyone knew was that you nearly died. Hell, you still could.

Travis locked his phone and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. He’d never seen you look so pale, even all those years ago. You looked twenty times worse now. They were told that you lost a significant amount of blood before anyone could get to you. Travis couldn’t even think about Carter trying to keep you from bleeding out in the street.

Carter, of course, wouldn’t talk about it. He refused to leave, just like Ethan. But Kora eventually convinced both of them that they needed showers and food. But Carter also had to go to the rink. The media team thought it would be best if they held a press conference. Especially since the media was reporting that Carter had been hurt as well. But physically, he was fine. Mentally though? Travis knew this wasn't something he’d get over easily. None of them would.

Your parents were stuck at home, they couldn’t get on a flight out here, nor could they take the time off from work. They tried everything they could think of, but they just couldn’t. So when Ethan wasn’t here, Travis was in charge of sending them as many updates as he could. Nolan would stop by from time to time to bring Travis something, or just sit with him so he wouldn’t be alone while Kora and Ethan were gone.

“She looks better today,” Nolan said, sliding into the chair on the other side of your bed.

“She looks like shit,” Travis mumbled, “They said the biggest concern now is going to be infection.”

Nolan reached over and carefully grabbed one of your hands, “She’s still cold.”

Travis nodded slowly, “They did another blood transfusion like an hour ago. Apparently her body is still trying to regulate.”

Nolan reached for his phone, he scrolled through a couple of notifications, “They’re going to announce that they’ve postponed the game tomorrow. Other teams are reaching out with support. And Carter is about to go live, do you want me to turn it on?”

He shook his head, “No. I don’t want her to hear it.”

Nolan, for the life of him, couldn’t imagine exactly what Travis was feeling. He loved you, sure. But he didn’t love you anywhere near how Travis did. You were Travis’ little sister, the sister he never had. He’d never seen Travis act so protective over anything before he saw him with you.

He was with Travis when he got the call. Ethan and Kora had just fallen asleep. Carter couldn’t get ahold of anyone else, so he called the first person he knew would be there. Nolan spent the entire drive to the hospital trying to calm down everyone, not just Travis, but Ethan and Kora too. Even Nolan wasn’t sure how he was able to stay so calm.

“She’ll pull through,” Nolan assured his teammate.

“I don’t know what I’ll do if she doesn’t.”

Meanwhile, across town, Carter was in a cold sweat. He hated the media to begin with, much less in a situation like this. He had to practically be dragged from the hospital by Kora and Ethan. He’d refused to leave your side. Everything was a blur at this point, but he knew that he didn’t let go of your hand once until you were being wheeled into an operating room.

He couldn’t remember all of the terms that the doctors rattled off after you came out. Kora was the one who had enough presence of mind to ask them to use simple terms so everyone knew what was happening. But all Carter could hear was that you lost too much blood before you were brought in, that you’d flatlined several times. That it could still be touch and go.

“Carter? They’re ready for you.”

His hands shook as he followed everyone into the room and towards his seat behind the table. Cameras started flashing automatically. When the Flyers said that a statement was being made, no one thought Carter would be the one to make it. The media was reporting that he’d been hospitalized too. He wished it was him, and not you.

He blindly answered the questions that were thrown at him. The media team coached him on what needed to be said, less was more. Especially given that they didn’t even have any leads on who did this.

Everytime he closed his eyes he saw you in his arms, growing paler by the second, as he screamed for someone to help. He wasn’t sure that he would ever get that image out of his head. How could he?

Kora was waiting outside the arena. Her hair was wet like she’d just showered. She was in oversized sweatpants with an old faded sweatshirt to match. She held her arms out, offering Carter a much needed hug. For a second he wondered if he wouldn’t just fall apart right there in the parking lot.

“C’mon, I’ll take you back to Travis’ place, it’s closer to the hospital,” She told him, “You need to sleep.”

“No, I need to go back to the hospital,” He replied quickly.

“Carter, you’ve been up for over twenty four hours,” Kora explained, “You won’t do her much good if you’re sleep deprived.”

But when he looked at her, with eyes filled with so much pain, she knew she couldn’t keep him away from you. So, Kora just held Carter as tightly as she could before promising to take him back to the hospital after he at least ate some food.

The scene at the hospital hadn’t changed though. The rest of the boys were still crowded around you. Nolan came out to meet Kora as Carter rushed in to join Travis and Ethan. But Kora couldn't bring herself to walk in, not yet at least. She didn’t want to see you like that, not up close.

So instead she handed Nolan a coffee cup and leaned against the wall, “How’s Travis?”

“A fucking wreck,” Nolan breathed out, rubbing his face with his free hand, “Did you get Carter to eat?”

Kora nodded, “Barely.”

Nolan looked behind him, studying his friends gathered in your little room, “The doctor stopped by about half an hour ago, they want to try to back off her sedatives this afternoon. Her vitals have held long enough apparently.”

It seemed that there was a little light to the day. If Kora understood Nolan well enough, you were out of the woods now. Save for the potential recovery complications, but enough that they were willing to try to wake you up.

She took a deep breath, feeling like her chest was going to cave in from the weight that settled on it the moment they got the first call, “You should go home Nol. I can take care of them.”

He forced a small smile, “Yeah but who’s gonna take care of you?”

She shrugged, eyes focused on the three boys huddled around your bed. Kora wondered what would’ve happened had none of you gone out. If you’d all gone right home, rather than staying late at a club. Maybe none of you would be here right now.

“I’m going to go grab some food across the street,” Nolan said quietly, “Call me if something changes.”

He had to fight himself from looking back at you in the bed. You looked so different from the girl he’d come to love like a sister. Definitely not to the same level as Travis. But he found it to be impossible to be around you for very long without feeling protective over you, just like he was with his own sisters. Nolan never really thought that he’d have to imagine a world where you wouldn’t be around. But now he had, and he didn’t like it.

You just seemed to make the world better. He wanted that back sooner rather than later.

It was several hours later when you felt yourself being pulled from the dark. Reality started coming back to you, and that’s when the panic set in. Your heart started to race as you felt the pain, at first what felt like a dull ache felt like a white hot iron being plunged into you. You wanted to scream out, but you couldn’t. You could barely move.

“Y/N? It’s okay, you’re safe.”

You knew that voice. The same calming voice you’d heard all your life. Ethan shouldn’t be here. You were in a dark part of town, alone on the sidewalk. No...not alone. Carter. Carter was with you.

“Y/N, I need you to relax, okay? Please,” Ethan seemed to beg.

Your eyes finally opened to stark white lights. You could hear the rapid beeping of a machine next to you, it sounded like a warning. You tried to move, to speak, to do anything, but the pain only worsened. Even breathing hurt.

“Hey, there you are,” Ethan let out a broken laugh that seemed to almost border a sob.

You couldn’t think straight, but you knew none of this seemed right. This wasn’t where you were supposed to be. Your head felt like it would split open before you could even get a word out. Your body didn’t feel right. None of it felt right.

“Hurts,” You forced out, the effort of the one word made everything worse.

“Okay, okay. Hold on, I’ll get a nurse,” Ethan reached over and pushed some sort of button and a few seconds later a nurse came strolling in.

Everything felt cloudy to you. Like you couldn’t quite wake up all the way. The nurse said a few words to you before moving to your IV port. Pain medication, that’s what she was doing. Maybe without the searing pain you could think. Why did it hurt so much?

“There you go sweetheart,” The nurse said gently, “That should help. You just call us if you need anything else.”

Ethan said a quick thank you, not taking his eyes off of you. You wondered just how bad you must’ve looked. Your whole body felt stiff and heavy. The pain dulled just enough. Almost like the sun breaking through a thick layer of clouds.

“Carter? Where-”

“He’s fine,” Ethan said quickly, “Kora made him and Travis leave so they could sleep.”

You felt your body relax just a little. He was okay. Zachary didn’t touch him. He was safe. You could take all the pain, as long as you were the only one who had to deal with it.

“How bad?” You questioned, voice straining.

You could tell just by the way that Ethan’s face changed that it wasn’t good. Hell, just by the way your body felt it wasn’t good. You could remember little bits and pieces of what happened. But it was like things kept going in and out of focus.

“Pretty bad. Don’t ever do that to me again,” He begged, “I swear to god. I thought we’d lost you.”

You held his hand, tightening your grip on it. It seemed you hadn’t really come all that far from where you were in high school. There was a time when you were in this exact same situation. You hated that he had to go through this again. Once again, Zachary proved that he would do anything, he simply didn’t care. He never had.

Some silly part of you still had hope that deep down he cared. Maybe if for just a second. You thought he wouldn’t be capable of something like this. Despite everything, despite all you knew and all he’d put you through, you still had a sliver of hope.

“You look like shit,” You tried to joke.

“And you look like hell,” He replied flatly, “But you almost died, several times, so I’m allowed to look like shit.”

You nodded, knowing he’d been through enough. Not just in the last few days, but ever since Zachary came into your life. You once hoped that coming to Philly would mean a fresh start for you, but once again he proved that nothing changed. She was still the same little girl, so afraid of her own shadow.

“I’m going to go call mom and dad,” Ethan said softly, “You just get some rest. I’ll be back in a bit.”

You nodded, trying to relax back into the bed. Every little movement hurt. You knew if you looked under the thin hospital gown that your midsection would be bandaged up. You didn’t want to know the details yet. Part of you still thought you could wake up from this nightmare. Maybe if you didn’t know you could act like it wasn’t that bad.

But then the thought of what you told Carter before it all happened….You couldn’t go to Canada now. You couldn’t do that to him. Zachary could easily follow you there. It obviously wouldn’t be the first time that he tracked you down hundreds of miles from home. You felt sick. This really wouldn’t end. He would always be there in some way or another. You’d always carry these scars around.

You would never really be free, and Carter would never really be safe.

#carter hart imagine #Carter hart imagines #Carter hart fanfic #Carter hart fanfiction #Carter hart #nhl imagines #nhl imagine #nhl fanfiction #nhl fanfic #hockey imagine #hockey imagines #hockey fanfic #hockey fanfiction #Philly flyers imagine #Philly flyers imagines #Philly Flyers #nicolewritesthings #don't hold me #dhm

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ferraii2 · 3 years ago

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im bored...

1. stats:

H: 164cm, hw: 53kg?, cw: 50kg, gw1: 48kg, gw2: 45kg, ugw: 42kg

2. height and do i like it?

164cm. im happy with my height but not my bone structure. it doesnt fit me well.

3. fav thinspo and why

her arms, legs, upper body... shes so tiny.

4. greatest fear about weightloss

eventually gaining back all the weight ive lost.

5. why do i wanna lose weight?

because i think im ugly. i feel like if i lose weight, i'll atleast have something about me that is beautiful and/or desireable.

6. do i binge? if so, why?

binge as in emotional eating? no, i dont, luckily.

7. do my parents know that im tryna lose weight? do they care?

they dont know but even if they did, i dont think they'd have a problem with it or prevent me from working out and losing weight. but when it comes to eating less, they, especially my mom, will definitely not leave me alone.

8. my workout routine

unfortunately, i dont workout regularly. i only do it when i feel like i overate, but then also only a little, light workout from youtube.

9. did anyone ever comment my weight negatively?

yeah, many times by nearly everyone. especially my sister as she has an eating disorder along with anger-issues. she always used to attack me for my weight when i was a (chubby) kid (keep in mind she is 12yrs elder than me).

10. the hardest thing i gave up during weightloss?

nothing until now!

11. my fav thinspo blog and why?

my own blog which got deleted a few days ago lol. it was my fav thinspo blog obviously cause i reblogged everything that i liked the most.

12. what do i normally eat?

i eat whatever i want as long as its below my calorie limit. that includes fast food, anything my mom cooks, proteins, etc

13. am i losing weight in a healthy or an unhealthy way?

healthy i believe. i mean, i allow myself to go up to 1100 calories a day, sometimes even 1200. i dont starve because i know that it has no benefit whatsoever.

14. whats my ugw and when do i expect to reach it?

my ugw is 42kg, thats a total weightloss of 8kg. i wish to lose it by march, basically in about 2⅔ months.

15. am i a vegan/vegetarian and would i consider becoming one?

no, not for weightloss purposes nor moral reasons. meat and milk products contain a lot of vitamins which i wouldnt want to give up!

16. when did i first decided to lose weight?

when i was 12. and i did lose weight succesfully (from 53kg to 46-47kg)

17. do i have an eating disorder?

luckily i dont.

18. what food is my weakness?

easy, cheese cake... i could eat a whole cake on my own.

19. when was the last time i ate fast food?

today, actually. i only ate sweets today.

20. fav diet?

eating-below-1100cals-and-work-out

21. what are my clothing sizes?

european sizes: my pants are 36 and my clothes also 36 i believe, not sure.

22. what was my lowest weight and how and why did i gain?

my lowest was about 47kg 3yrs ago. i gained due to puberty/growth and food, obviously.

23. did media play a role in wanting to lose weight?

i dont think so, atleast not consciously. i barely know any celebrities and all the women i see on the internet are thicc.

24. how do i feel about the term "proana/mia"?

"pro" is definitely disturbing to me. its like saying "pro suicide".

25. have i ever purged?

nope.

26. what excites me most about reaching my ugw?

wearing smaller sized clothes, having sticky legs that dont touch, constantly looking delicate, being treated more nicely, being taken care of, no insults on my weight by anyone ever again, jealous looks of other girls, not feeling ashamed to undress in front of somebody else, not being scared to get intimate with somebody, etc etc...

27. how do i deal with being around food?

when im really hungry or have high appetite, i'll probably eat some of it. if i dont, i just ignore the food.

28. do i want a thigh gap and why?

i do, because i find it aesthetically pleasing.

29. my definition of beauty?

a kind, honest, polite and respectful nature.

30. ten facts about me:

i'm 16 years old.

i am practically religious (muslim).

i developed an obsession for mukbangs over the past few years.

im extremely shy and awkward in real life.

i love animals but im afraid of them in real life (literally every animal... even birds or cats).

i cant eat meat off of the bone (e.g. drumsticks). it just disgusts me.

i actively try to improve my character.

i have a naturally athletic and fit body.

i live in germany.

im addicted to chocolate and other sweets, i need them nearly every day

if you actually read all of this, ily and wish you all the best 😙

#thinspo #30daysthinspochallenge #weightloss #diet #thin inspo #tw ed #ed #eating disorder #anorexia #ana #proana #notproanythingjusttags #i wanna be skiny #sweetspo #meanspo #anorekic #fitspo

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hipboneregression · 3 years ago

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tw ed rant w/ numbers

this is fucking long.

i've lost 15lbs since starting to relapse on november 1. keep in mind, i'm a very, very high starting weight.

ED's voice has always been whispering to me, like a devil on my shoulder. i have been ignoring it, for the most part, since i moved back home in 2014, after treatment.

but in october, when i finally saw "255" flashing at me on the scale, the whisper became a scream. i loathed what i saw in the mirror, how i felt in my clothes, how i fucking looked in pictures, how i felt when i exercised, all of it. fucking digusting. were those feelings influenced by seeing that number on the scale? maybe. maybe they were but i will not act like i haven't felt miserable in this body, at this weight, bouncing between 220 and 250 for fucking years.

my friend had been visiting and i had been saying, "fuck it" and trying to eat as normally as possible. to resist the urge to fast and exercise off most of what i ate. but the day after she left, the day after halloween, i snapped.

in retrospect, the last eight years or so have been a slow decline into this specific relapse. i left chicago in 2014 knowing i had gained weight from my lowest at 130, but never seeing the number on the scale. by the time i started grad school i realized i was ballooning, but felt alright, and didn't care. until i did.

sometime in law school i began to loathe what i was seeing in the mirror and my shape again. i knew i was huge. overweight. obese. that's when i began to seriously work out again, and i knew i was losing something, even though i had no scale to tell. in september 2017, i saw my weight for the first time in literal years, "227" flashed at me on the scale. a hundred fucking pound gain? i snapped then, too. by the summer of 2018, i was able to get down to 184 before the lightswitch turned off again. i realized it wasn't sustainable, the fasting, the laxatives, the purging. i stopped on my own without treatment and got a new therapist who specialized in trauma. she's been a great help, but she has no clue what's going on now.

my partner and i are trying to conceive. i've wanted a baby so badly over the last year and a half, i can't tell you how much that specific desire digs at me. i'm fucking 30, alright? i had decided it wouldn't be worth trying to lose weight, at least not purposefully, because i didn't want to fuck up my ovulation pattern. except it never happened. it never happened, it still hasn't happened, and the more and more i read online, the more i find out about how obesity impacts fertility.

i tried. i tried to do it the "right" way. i tried noom. i tried weight watchers. i went on walks every fucking day and meal prepped. i'm too god damn impatient for that shit.

and then, in october, i finally was able to see a specialist. she didn't want to test me for anything related to fertility. you know what she wanted to test me on? metabolic syndrome. because i'm a fat fuck. because the scale flashed "255" at her too. of course i don't have it, but she ran the tests anyways and referred me to an HSG. that showed that i have a polyp in my uterus and scarring on my fucking left fallopian tube. broken, broken again.

so here i am. i'm at 238.6 as of today, and you know the sickest thing of all? i don't want to get pregnant at all. not until i reach a "healthy" BMI.

i'm going out of town today for the weekend, to see a friend from college. one who has seen my weight balloon up and down over the fucking years. the shame i feel for ruining my good body is so magnified right now, but most of all i'm terrified about how i'm going to sustain my behaviors over the weekend. i've been doing OMAD. just one little meal a day. fasting at least 20 hours a day no matter what. and working out 3-5 times per week. it's really working fucking wonders, obviously, but i'm in hell.

i think i can pull off the OMAD today while traveling, but what about tomorrow? saturday is out of the question, and sunday likley too. that's horrifying. i don't want to actively purge while i'm there, but it might be my only option.

i'm sick. i'm so sick of this ed, sick of these thoughts, sick of this fucking hell. i'm sick of fucking writing about it. it's all consuming. and yet, here i am. again. 15 pounds down, and it didn't happen fast enough, it's still not good enough, i shouldn't even have had to lose that in the first place. but i guess it is something.

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a-froger-epic · 3 years ago

Note

tw: mention of eating disorders

hey i read something about freddie having an eating disrorder, and I hate asking this but could you please explain if you know anything about it. my poor baby :(

Hey anon!

I’m sorry it took me a while to reply. This is a sensitive topic for many, so I wanted to take my time and give you the nuanced reply it deserves.

I’ve talked about this a little before, but I might as well take the opportunity now to speak about it at length. This is only my personal opinion based on everything I’ve read about Freddie and many different takes I’ve seen others put forward.

So, did Freddie have an eating disorder?

The shortest answer to that, as far as I’m concerned, is... maybe?

Before I carry on, I’d like to say that I think everyone is free to speculate about this and make up their own mind, as well as creatively explore this in their writing, and I don’t consider my opinion to be any more correct than anyone else’s.

Why do people think Freddie might have had an ED?

There are a few things about Freddie and food which could be interpreted as ED behaviours. First off, here is what Phoebe has to say about Freddie and his eating habits:

His taste in food changed over the years I was with Freddie. When I started the group of us would make monthly visits to the restaurant Shezan, an Indian eatery, in Knightsbridge. Freddie never had a menu as they always provided his favourite selection of foods without asking. As his illness progressed, his taste buds could not take the assault of spicy foods and he tended to more bland foods. He also turned his eating habits around. He used to have a lighter meal at lunch and then have a big meal in the evening, usually at a restaurant with a big group of friends. Towards the end he would eat more at lunch and a smaller meal in the evenings.

Nothing much out of the ordinary here, as far as I can see. Freddie definitely had favourite foods he enjoyed, but then, a common misconception is that people with EDs don’t like/enjoy food, and that isn’t true. Phoebe also says this:

As I have said before, Freddie was a very light eater. Some of us live to eat, but Freddie was one of those people who ate to live. He was the master of moving food around the plate to give the appearance of having eaten a good amount. He did enjoy good food, but really didn’t need to consume very much. He loved entertaining guests at meals in the dining room at Garden Lodge and was able to disguise his non-eating by making sure everyone else was ok during the meal. Don’t get me wrong, Freddie always ate enough to keep him going, but I can’t remember one time when he leant back in the chair saying ‘I’m stuffed!’

Now here we have a lot of things to unpack. There are three things in here - moving food around the plate to give the appearance of having eaten more, disguising his non-eating and never eating enough to be full - which are definitely known ED behaviours.

However, people who just do not care about food all that much and are light eaters do also exist. In fact, I’m one of them myself. I did struggle with Disordered Eating in my teens and my early 20s, but I have a healthy relationship with food now and I never like to eat until I’m stuffed because it’s not a nice feeling, physically, to overeat. I’m also someone who easily and genuinely forgets to eat when I’m in a creative haze. Just as an example.

Also, seeing as Freddie most likely was made to finish meals all throughout his boarding school times, like many children in lunch halls, which is usually not a great experience for children who are picky or light eaters, the “moving food around the plate to make it seem he’s eaten” could well be an old habit stemming from there.

Either way, Phoebe doesn’t seem too concerned about Freddie’s eating, and even though people with EDs are very good at hiding them, Phoebe did know him for a long time and very, very well. Phoebe could also be withholding information that he considers too private. All of that is possible, all of that is speculation.

There are other things which point to the fact that Freddie was definitely preoccupied with his weight/appearance. In this interview in 1974, he says:

“Oh really,” he exclaims in disgust, “this paper has no flair - I mean to print this picture three times in succession … and just look at my arms!” He was horrified, “look at how fat they appear, now my arms aren’t like that at all - what do you think?” He rolls up his sleeves for me to inspect and I’d like to state here and now that the poor dear’s arms are quite, quite slender!

The photo Freddie is most likely talking about, is this one:

It’s not a very fortunate angle, admittedly. So I think it’s possible to see where he was coming from, but even so, he was worried about his arms looking fat at a time when he looked like this:

Yes, it is important to keep in mind that people were generally thinner in the 70s than we are used to now. (Brian, for example, was also incredibly thin.) But in this picture it really is evident that Freddie was very, very thin at this point.

Other things which are often brought into the discussion around Freddie’s eating habits is the account of him throwing a fit when Brian ate one of his biscuits once, choosing to walk after a meal at a restaurant while his driver drove alongside him and his friends, eating cereal on the floor in his dressing room, this picture where he clearly prefers salad to chicken wings (unlike Roger “What Even Are Vegetables” Taylor):

All of the above, to me, are things which can be heavily read into but ultimately don’t prove very much.

And there is this bit from Mercury & Me:

The Sun did later print a photograph of Freddie taken while he was performing at the festival, which he didn't appreciate. It showed off "Flabulous Freddie" with a slight paunch, wickedly describing it as his "midriff bulge". When he saw the picture he looked at me and shook his head in despair. 'It's typical,' he said. 'If I'm slim the papers say I'm too thin and if I put on a little bit of a belly they say I'm too fat. It's a no-win situation.'

Now, that doesn’t give off the impression to me that Freddie was particularly distraught about that article, at that point in his life. But it certainly appears to have bothered him to some degree.

So what’s the conclusion?

To me, personally, it seems quite likely that Freddie did suffer from Disordered Eating in the early to mid 70s. That’s really not uncommon, sadly, although it usually afflicts young women more than young men. But he was in the spotlight and had to care about his appearance. He was clearly very preoccupied with it, not only when it came to his body, but his looks in general - there is plenty of evidence regarding that. He was very selective about which photographs of himself he did and didn’t like. However, I find it impossible to say just how much this preoccupation affected him exactly. 1974 especially was also a very taxing year for Queen. Their management was shit, they struggled with money, they almost lost Brian, their touring schedules were brutal, the press was bashing them, Freddie was struggling with his sexual identity. There were a lot of immense stress factors, and he could have very well been someone who responded to stress by not eating - just like others respond to stress by eating too much. And Disordered Eating is not classed as an eating disorder. It is, if you will, the beginning of one.

Or, he absolutely could have developed or already had an actual ED which he was hiding fairly well, and it could have affected him a lot, but nobody would have ever known because he would have been unlikely to ever speak to anybody about it.

Both is possible. I simply don’t think that there is enough information to do more than speculate on the matter, beyond: He had a preoccupation with his looks and minded what and how much he ate throughout his life.

However, in the second half of the 70s as well as the 80s, he was still thin but had started working out and looked more “athletic” thin rather than gaunt. I think it’s entirely possible that whatever issues Freddie had with food were not a constant thing but something that may have been worse and better at times, depending on his overall mental well-being and his levels of confidence.

Or, it could have been something that he always struggled with.

Again, as far as I am concerned, both is possible and I don’t feel I can say for certain. And so, my take leans towards Disordered Eating when younger and less preoccupation with it later on. That’s the impression I get.

But I wrote all this out so that others can make up their own minds, and rather than share my exact opinion, I encourage you to do just that.

#Freddie Mercury #Tw eating disorders #meta #ask response

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eretzyisrael · 3 years ago

Text

Lama Al-Manar, 36, doesn't remember what she put into the small bag she was carrying when she stepped into a Red Crescent ambulance, other than medical documents. She doesn't remember the last words her husband, who was riding with her, said to her before they separated at the Erez crossing. She doesn't know whether he followed them with his gaze when she walked toward the crossing and passed from the Gaza Strip to Israel, where a Magen David Adom ambulance was waiting for her.

From the moment she left Shifa Hospital that afternoon, until she arrived at Sheba Medical Center at Tel Hashomer some five hours later, Lima's eyes never left the incubator that was holding her son, Abdullah, 2.5 months old, whose tiny body was receiving oxygen.

She also wouldn't have remembered what day it was if they hadn't explained how lucky she had been. It was Monday, May 10, 2021, the day on which Operation Guardian of the Walls against Hamas infrastructure in Gaza began. The ambulance that brought her and her son to Israel was the last allowed through Erez crossing before it was closed for 13 days.

Three children are waiting for her at home. Two years ago, she gave birth to a stillborn child, and when she became pregnant for the fifth time, she was eager for the new baby to bring joy back to the home. But Abdullah was born two months prematurely with a complicated heart defect and Lamaand her husband realized they would need to fight for his life.

"I was afraid. His condition wasn't good," Lama says. "He lost weight, and his breathing and other parameters slowed. I prayed to God to heal him. To fight for his little life. A doctor at Shifa Hospital recommended that we send him to Israel for treatment. My husband reached out to the Shevet Achim organization to help us get him there."

Thursday afternoon, the 11th day of the Gaza campaign. The radio reports a rocket alert in Ashkelon, and then a direct hit on a residential building. We arrive at the parking structure attached to the labor ward at Sheba Medical Center, which is next to the Edmond and Lily Safra Children's Hospital. The children's ICU was transferred here on the fifth day of the fighting for fear of rocket hits.

We go down one floor. After walking through the gray halls lined with oxygen tanks at the ready, we encounter a colorful sign decorated with a drawing of a sun and a kite: "Protected Children's ICU." Reality stays outside. In the parking structure, which was filled with cars the previous week, there are 40 small beds. Each one takes up two parking places, and holds a small baby who is hooked up to medical equipment. Nearby is a treatment station, a computer, and a lounge chair for adults.

The beds are separated by flowered curtains that were hung on the metal pipes that line the parking garage's ceiling. No one closes the curtains. There are also hanging screens that are attached to monitors that fill the space with dim beeping.

In the center of the improvised unit are a dialysis cart and another cart that holds equipment for chest drainage. Sometimes, a baby's cry can be heard. It is weak, and starts and stops quickly.

Over bed No. 26 a sign reads: "Abdullah Al-Manar. Date of birth: Feb. 26, 2021. Weight: 1.6 kg (3.52 pounds)." Lamasits on the chair and watches Shani, the nurse, take off Abdullah's cloth diaper, exposing a large incision that runs from his chest to his belly. Shani changes the dressing, rubs cream on it, puts his medicine into the IV bag attached to his small arm, and covers him gently.

In the next bed lies three-month-old Rana, who is recovering from her third open heart surgery, which she underwent two days earlier. On the left is Yazen, a month old, who had a catheterization.

Dr. Evyatar Hubara, 43, a senior doctor on the unit, moves from bed to bed. He slept three hours the night before due to the number of cases.

"The three children from Gaza suffer from complicated heart defects," Hubara explains. "They came to us in serious condition, among other reasons because it took time from when the problem was diagnosed in Gaza until their transfer to us could be coordinated, all the permits received, and that's without changing ambulances at Erez and the bumpy journey. Right now, all three are in an acute stage. We still haven't gotten to the rehabilitation state, which will begin here and continue in Gaza," he says.

Hubara stops by Abdullah's bed and looks at him warmly. "Abdullah was born prematurely and was incorrectly diagnosed in Gaza. The doctors … performed the wrong operation on him when he was two months old. A week after the operation, he began to decline, and a week after that he reached us. In the first few hours we needed to stabilize him and keep his blood pressure steady with medication.

"We started to look into the problem. We did an MRI and other tests. Before every stage, we explained to his mother what we were going to do. She trusted us from the beginning. After we stabilized him, we found that the true defect he was suffering from was an aortic valve stenosis. It turned out that in Gaza they had tried to close the ductus, but closed one of the main arteries by mistake.

"In the insane Israeli reality, we had to protect ourselves against rockets from Gaza along with the babies who come from here," he says.

"I remember one siren that caught me on the unit, before we moved to the parking structure. All the mothers, Jewish and Arab, just grabbed their babies – the ones that weren't hooked up to machines – and ran to a safe space. I shouted, 'We have time, 90 seconds, go slowly so you won't fall with the kids.' Everyone gathered around in the safe space. Staff members and patients, Jews and Arabs together. The shocking sight of the mothers who ran there with their babies doesn't leave me," Hubara recalls. Not all the mothers were able to take their babies to a safe space. Abdullah, Rana, and Yazen, as well as another 12 Israeli babies, are on respiratory equipment, and they were unprotected during the first rocket alerts. This is why the hospital administration decided to move the entire department from the sixth floor to the underground parking garage. Here, the sirens can't even be heard.

We go with Lama, Raida, and Samira into the staff room, located at the exit. The room has a big refrigerator full of popsicles donated to the children and the staff who care for them. Every few minutes, a parent or a staff member comes in and takes one.

About a year ago, when the COVID pandemic was still raging in Israel, a COVID unit opened in this same parking structure to ease the mass of patients that was overwhelming the hospitals. That event seems like ancient history, and the only thing that remains of it are the letters of thanks stuck to the door. It seems as if this is the last place in the country where people are careful to wear masks, and wear them properly.

The three Gaza women are embarrassed. They aren't used to being interviewed. All three are wearing abayas, long dresses that include head coverings, as well as hijabs and surgical masks. Since they arrived in Israel, they have been sleeping here, on the unit, in the recliner chairs next to their children's beds. They are also given meals. Once every few days, they allow themselves to go upstairs and shower. None of them speaks any language other than Arabic, with the exception of a few words of Hebrew or English. Moshe Ravid, 26, a nursing student from Jaffa and a volunteer with the Shevet Achim organization, translates.

Raida (Umm Ahmad), 48, is from Khan Younis. She is Rana's grandmother, a housewife and mother of six.

"My daughter-in-law, Rana's mother, came to Israel with her in February, two weeks after she was born," she says. "After two weeks, she was tired and not feeling well. Because she has a four-year-old at home, she called me and asked me to switch with her. She went back to Gaza, and since then, I've been here. Three months already. This is my first time in Israel."

Q: Were you afraid?

"No, why should I be afraid? My husband worked in Bat Yam for 20 years. Every day, he went from Gaza to Bat Yam, until the disengagement in 2005. After that, he found work in Gaza. He told me that there are good people in Israel, that everyone here is all right."

Abdullah's mother Lama, 36, is wearing a brown abaya accessorized with a shining silver star. Her smartphone has a pink cover. She works in a laboratory, and her husband is a producer for Palestinian television in Gaza. She has two other sons, 11 and six, at home, as well as a three-and-a-half-year-old daughter.

"My mother had cancer. She went to Israel to be treated, and recovered," Lama says. "She told me that everything is good here. When Abdullah's condition got worse, the doctor recommended that we come to Israel. My husband reached out to Shevet Achim. Now he and my mother are watching the three other kids at home."

Q: What do you tell your families about what is happening here?

Lama: "They're afraid for us, and we're afraid for them. When they call to hear how we are, I answer, 'Al Hamdullah,' so they won't be scared and worry, and when I call to ask how they are, they say the same thing. We talk about the boy, how he ate, how much he ate, how much he slept. "I tell them that the doctors here are good, that they treat us well, answer all our questions. I tell them that the food is excellent, that the women have nice clothes, about their hairstyles. I like the fashion in Israel, and the grilled chicken breast and salad they serve at the hospital."

Raida: "The medical staff thinks only about the children – whether their condition has improved, what they ate, how they slept. We sit next to their beds, don't know how they'll be from one moment to the next, whether they'll get better at all."

Q: Do they send you pictures of the strikes on Gaza?

"They send me pictures of the special Ramadan sweets," Raida answers, with a smile.

Samira, 62, is the grandmother of Yazen, who is only a month old. "I have nine grown children, and my son has four children other than Yazen. Their mother needs to take care of them, so they asked me to accompany the child. At home, when we talk about Israel, we only talk about the medical treatment we want to get here."

Moshe, the translator, tells them in Arabic not to be frightened, that they can speak freely. They all answer at once: "We aren't afraid, we're speaking honestly. Everyone wants peace. We want it to be all right."

Samira: "Inshallah, things will calm down. We aren't dealing with politics."

Q: What did you do when people in Gaza fired rockets toward this area?

Raida: "What everyone else did. The nurses took us to a safe place. The babies stayed on the unit, hooked up to respirators. I was worried about them, that they were alone, but everyone calmed us down, said that it would all be fine."

Lama: "We tried to talk to the other people in the safe area, without understanding one another. Everyone wants to know how the other's child is doing. He's sorry about my son, and I'm sorry about his."

Q: Did your families leave their homes because of the airstrikes?

Raida: "No. Everyone is in his own home."

Q: Are any of your family members involved in the fighting?

All three shake their heads, no. "Not everyone in Gaza enlists in the army," Raida says. "My husband worked in Israel. Half of Gaza used to work in Israel. You must have seen the workers who would come from Gaza."

Samira: "My father and my husband used to work in Israel."

Q: When are you going home?

Raida's eyes fill with tears. "Rana's chest is still open from the last surgery. I'm sitting with you and laughing, but my heart is crying. So I'm telling you that my every thought is for the baby. That's our situation."

Lama: "Today, Dr. Evytar said that Abdullah has an infection in his right lung, which was good. Until now he had one in his left lung. I hope it works out. I'll go back to Gaza when he gets better, but I don't know when."

Hospital Director Dr. Itai Pessach says that every year, the center treats about 500 children from Gaza and another 2,700 children from the Palestinian Authority. "They range in age from a week to 18. Some of the children arrive through the Shevet Achim organization, and others through our own coordinator."

"During the last military operation, our doctor colleagues in Gaza reached out to us about children in serious condition, and we fought to bring them to Israel during the operation. Unfortunately, we didn't succeed, and that's very sad. I'm happy we're getting back to normal," Pessach says.

According to Pessach, "we don't see any difference between a child who comes from Gaza, Nablus, or Tiberias. Our treatment looks at all the child's needs, including emotional needs and school work at the school that operates on the hospital grounds. A year ago, a nine-year-old boy with cancer arrived from Gaza who didn't know how to read and write. He returned to Gaza last month, after a year-long hospitalization, healthy and knowing how to read and write in Hebrew, Arabic, and even English."

Q: How did the patients respond to this during the Gaza fighting?

"A family from Gaza arrived two days before the operation started, and we diagnosed their son with a rare disease, one that only seven children in Israel have. By chance, two rooms away there was a Haredi family with a child who had been diagnosed with the same disease two months ago. While the rockets were falling, the Haredi mother insisted on meeting the mother from Gaza and teaching her everything she knew about the disease and how to treat it."

"There is a truly shared fate here. They feel that they're fighting against something bigger than rockets. To get better, a patient needs to feel secure, and that's what we're doing. A hospital is a home for all the patients.

"I'm happy to say that the external tensions didn't creep into the work. There was no tension between the staff and the patients. The good of the patient always comes before everything else. Even at administration meetings – everyone put aside their own political views and we managed to provide a quality medical response and protect the safety of the staff and patients," Pessach says.

The funding for the Gaza children's treatment comes mainly from donors – mostly American Christians, and some Israelis.

"Saving the life of the child is an entire world," says Jonathan Miles, founder of Shevet Achim. Miles arrive in Israel from the US in the 1990s, as a journalist, and started to volunteer with the group Christian Friends of Israel.

"We welcomed Russian immigrants to Israel. We wanted them to understand that the Jewish people have friends in the world. One day a mother from Ukraine whose child's life was in danger came to me. She had no money for medical treatment, and she begged me to help. I started raising money to help him. Wizo helped a lot, as did other people, both Jews and Christians.

"After that, I heard about sick babies in Gaza, and in 1994 I founded the organization. We bring children from Muslim states to Israel for treatment."

Amar Shami, 32, who coordinates the transfer of children from Gaza to Israel for Shevet Achim, lives in Jerusalem.

"The families who go back to Gaza tell each other about the treatment in Israel," he says. "One mother tells another. When the child has a problem, they reach out to me. Sometimes the doctors reach out directly." Q: What goes through your mind while you're busy providing treatment and rockets are flying outside?

"Inside the hospital, we detach. We only want to help them. When you go out you realize that reality is different. We hope that when the families from Gaza go home, they will sort of be our emissaries, say good things about Israel."

The night that the ceasefire between Israel and Hamas took effect, Rana's heart stopped beating, despite the doctors' best efforts. Her grandmother, Raida, left the hospital weeping. She was driven to a Shevet Achim apartment in Jaffa. When Erez crossing opened, she returned to Gaza with Rana's coffin.

#Israel #Gaza #Israeli Hospitals

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engazed · 4 years ago

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Not my usual post, but ...

I normally don't blog about personal stuff, but this has been on my mind recently. I may take it down later.

Very happily, I married the love of my life almost two years ago. While I have zero complaints, really, one thing I did not expect was to put on some ten pounds in under six months. I've never been overweight, but I have always struggled to lose it when I've tried. A little distressed, I talked to my doctor, and she just smiled and called it 'happy weight'. Because newlyweds.

It makes sense, I suppose. As a single woman, I ate simply and irregularly. It was easy to skip breakfasts or forego puddings, and I'm not much of a snacker. As one half of a pair who keep more or less the same schedule, mealtimes became very regular. We cook together sometimes breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and I ate as much as he did because what went on his plate went on mine. And we share a sweet tooth, which became another tradition: finishing a meal with a little something sweet. So the ten pounds was hardly unaccounted for.

Nevertheless, I wanted to return to my pre-wedding weight. So since last July, I've been doing intermittent fasting (two meals, nothing between 20:00 hrs and 12:00 hrs), calorie counting, HIIT exercises, and running. Off and on, sometimes my dedication has wavered and flagged, but I never abandoned it entirely.

Then in January, I resolved to run no fewer than 5 times a week, and I've stuck to it, and I still watch what I eat.

Since starting, I've lost 3 pounds. Three.

In some ways, I feel betrayed by math. Calories in, calories, out, that's how it's supposed to work, right? I eat fewer calories and I exercise more, and the pounds are supposed to melt off me like a ninety-nine under a hot sun. Right? Well, they haven't.

But here's the thing. Last weekend, for the first time in my life, I ran a 10K. I've never done that before. It wasn't long ago that I was intimidated by going even one mile; I couldn't have done it even on January 1. When I started this campaign, I could plank for only 10 horrible seconds. Now I'm doing a full gruelling minute. I couldn't do HIIT for more than 5 or 10 minutes, and I took every 'modification' there was, and now I can do 30 without compromise. And I actually like exercising.

The results of this work has been unexpected. I got stronger, not lighter, and I'm happier now with my body than I've ever been. (The hubby's plenty happy with it, too, but he's never complained.) I have new goals, and they're not weight goals, but strength and speed and endurance. I want to go farther by summer than I can go right now, and I believe I can.

I was never athletic as a kid or even in my 20s, so it's a new and exciting world for me. Sometimes, I'm still intimidated by that first mile, until I get my feet moving under me. They know how to move now. I don't want them to forget.

My body can run. It's me and all my 'happy weight', at it together, running and burning and sweating and getting strong. Amazing, really, the things bodies can do.

#personal #happy weight #strength

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bluexie · 3 years ago

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tw: ed, food, loosing weight, kcal

To be honest, it's not very destructive post and I don't want to starve myself, but at the same time blogs with thinspo tag help me so much to control myself.

Long story short: I'm happy today because I ate less and I'm not hungry.

Okay so I really like to eat, I love the feeling of full stomach, but I dream about being skinny at the same time, so I do everything to feel full and eat tasty stuff but loose weight. I can't eat less than 800 kcal, when I was 17 I tried to eat one meal a day and I ended up binging so bad I gained twice as much i I've lost. My app says that for my current weight I need 1475 kcal to go down, and it has to be true because normally I try to go up to this number, never more, and it works fine, my metabolism did not slow down.

I had really tiring couple of months. I was finishing my degree, I moved out with my disabled boyfriend, who I try to care for and support in the fight against disease and depression. The new apartment had to be cleaned thoroughly, and I was never actually a housewife type, so I had to learn everything. As a result, I ended up drinking sweet wine every 3-4 days and eating everything that was in the kitchen. Only some miracle prevented me from gaining weight, I only gained 2 kg (4 lbs).

Last week, however, I had a reflection and intrusive thoughts that I am getting more and more years, and I still can't achieve that one thing I have always wanted. I had terrible two days ended with one day fast. I know I don't want to feel like this. I want to think of myself that I am strong, beautiful and invincible. I want to achieve everything I dream about. So I started re-planning my meals again. I carry my phone to the kitchen as I used to to write down absolutely everything I put on my plate. I was a little hungry, it's true, but browsing photos of thin girls and thinking that I might look like this mentally blocked my hunger and temptation to go for cookies.

Today is my 7th day since I started to plan my meals again. I made pasta with bolognese sauce, I absolutely love this dish and when I binge, I can eat like whole pack of pasta, and with this souce it's about 1800 kcal. Yeah, a lot, I know. But today I prepared it, and I put on my plate about 400 grams (14.10oz) of it, which is about 550kcal. Before I even sat down to eat I drank 300ml (1.26 cup) of water, and then took the same amount with me. I stoped myself from swallowing food almost entirely, as I always did. Instead I chewed at least 20 times with water between every 2 bites. All the time I was aware of myself; I was asking myself if I want more.

And oh my god, I felt full after eating half of it. I couldn't believe myself, so I waited half an hour and I'm not hungry again. I feel like I could cry from happiness. I never felt like this. I can't even imagine myself being skinny because I was always fat, at my worst time I was 105kg (231lbs). For a year I've lost 17kg (37lbs), but man it's so hard when your brain says cmon, go and eat 4000kcal today, you start your diet tomorrow, but you end up eating like this for weeks, so you always either gain weight or try to loose it.

Today for the first time I felt like I have control over my body and mind, like I really can choose and my dream will come true.

#tw ed #tw #tw ana #tw thinspo #tw food #tw kcal #ana #pro ana #weight #anamia #thinspo #thin #motylek #motylki #skinny #ed #mia #story #ana story #mia story #ed story

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moondustaeil · 3 years ago

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𝐫𝐞:𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐞.

↳ Ambrosia's not-so-happy life update.

trigger warning, this post includes: weight loss, food, calorie counting, disordered eating habits, suicide, insecurities, fears.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟏: 𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐢𝐭, 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐢𝐭?

As I contemplate whether I should make an earnest post look as aesthetic as possible, my eyes are tearing up to Lee Chansub's "Gone". Therefore, this chapter gets named after his lyrics.

Since when was it? It's a question that crosses my mind after deciding on the chapter name, even though I'm well aware of the number of days that have passed. Each day I write that significant number in my journal, but there must be more than the pen can write. Beyond my awareness: there must have been a certain amount of time spent on a prologue to pen down the event that ultimately led to this chapter.

Since where was it? There could be multiple meanings behind the question, but I can only formulate a limited answer despite the openness. As far as I'm in charge of this story, there is no why or where. Yes, I quite literally woke up one day and decided to go on a diet, simple as that. Before that day, dieting never crossed my mind: I never saw my body as too much or myself as too little compared to others. Can you understand now why I think a prologue was written for me and not by me?

Anyhow, let's have a look at how I think I experienced my life before the diet. Sometimes I think I don't even remember how I experienced the last moments of it, but that doesn't mean I don't know how it went. My life before the diet was pretty plain: I didn't engage in any social or physical activities and spent most of my time behind my laptop to write or lurk around on YouTube. Eating-habit-wise, I never ate much: three meals a day with occasional snacks, those snacks probably covering more calories than my meals did. Despite eating calorie-covering snacks, I would have given my all for fruit and vegetables, especially frozen fruit. Back then, I already had significant eating habits: I'd eat nuts when I was stressed, drink smoothies while studying for exams, eat sour sweets when I was bored. My body before the diet wasn't that noteworthy: I maintained the same weight for around three years and only ditched my tight jeans because covid had me feeling too lazy to wear them. A youth like this might sound boring to you, but I gladly lived my life like this and, I don't regret the way I spent it.

I can still recall up to two days before it began: I can tell the contents of those days like I was the supporting cast instead of the main character, simply because I can't remember the emotions. The two last days were spent behind my laptop, waiting for the exam results while eating spicy nuts (to keep the stress level low). When the exam results came, and I realised I passed them all, I must have felt relieved. But in my memory, I didn't and don't feel anything at all concerning my exams. And that's where it stops. I don't even know where it starts again.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟐: 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐮𝐩 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐧𝐨 𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐲

It quite literally feels like I woke up with no memories of the first days of the diet: I can recall what I ate, but not what I did or felt.

On the first day, I drank a strawberry oat smoothie for breakfast. It was my first self-made smoothie which was convincingly delicious compared to the bought smoothies I used to have. That same day, I stopped eating snacks: unknowingly, I restricted them and wouldn't allow them for the months after.

That paragraph is all I remember from the first day, and if I were to write one about every day of that week, it would be less each day. Maybe those days just weren't memory-worthy enough as I don't want to search for a reason behind every single thing.

For approximately twenty-eight days after the first one, I have no recollections. The only way I can reflect on those days is by checking my calorie intake and physical activity. Though, it doesn't feel like I was the one who tracked it.

The first proper recollection I have is of a day I ate 180 calories for the first time: a number I can only wonder about now. Though it was my first time having such a low intake, it wasn't the last or lowest. The number 180 seemed to attract me as in the days that followed, 180 would be the maximum amount of calories I'd consume. Back then, I had no idea what TDEE or BMR (of any of the other terms) were, so I can't tell you what my deficit was. But I would burn around 1200 calories a day by exercising, and that should be enough to raise red flags.

From that point on, even though I was probably slowly killing myself, I felt alive. A growing obsession with food, weight loss and exercise was fueling my mind. While my body was left behind, trying to catch up with the pace. If I didn't lose more than 1 gram overnight, I'd starve myself the next day. If I felt too lazy to exercise, I'd punish myself for being lazy by doing more. My weight dropped a lot, up to the point where the scale sometimes seemed to skip numbers.

Then a parent swap came: I would be staying with my dad for two weeks. In advance, I had already figured out everything I thought I needed to know: how I would skip meals without him finding out, at what times I could exercise without him knowing, where I could throw away the food he thought I would eat. The day I packed my bag and left for his house, my plans turned into action.

The two weeks there went as smooth as I planned them to go. Even with bonuses: he worked up to three days a week and did not question it when I didn't eat. In those two weeks, I would replace kpop videos with programs I used to despise: supersize versus superskinny and mukbangs. The videos would satisfy my hunger in some way, even though they caused me to start nailbiting. I wouldn't eat: I would only watch as others fed themselves.

Since I lost the initial subject I wanted to discuss in this chapter (I'm so sorry), I shall be moving on to the next chapter.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟑: 𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐨? 𝐃𝐢𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐞𝐚𝐭?

It was at this point that people were starting to notice things that I hadn't. Sometimes those things were appearance-related and, other times it was personality-related or even habit-related.

It started with a compliment from my aunt, and I felt like I was glowing when she mentioned my visible jawline and thin face. Maybe I was slightly disappointed that she noticed the facial changes before my body but, at the same time, she noticed a difference!

After her, people started commenting on my body, and I worked more to achieve those comments. I saw them as comments rather than compliments: I didn't tire myself out starting from 5:20 am every day just to receive a meaningless compliment. I wanted people to take notice.

And, they did. People that directly surrounded me were starting to notice things that I failed to see. Mostly stuff that changed about my personality while my body was changing. My mother told me that I became the opposite of easy-going and friendly when others were around. My sister told me that my facial expressions had gone even further than my usual resting bitch face. My nephew said that all I would do was try to end up in arguments with others and that he didn't like being around me anymore. It hurt to have all of those things said, but at the same time, I was too in denial to care. The only thing I cared about was food, exercise and losing weight.

On rare occasions, I became aware of the person I became. Mostly when others would try to reach me by calling or coming over but I was too busy to talk to them, and if I did, I would talk about food-related things only. So, I shut everyone out.

I no longer talked to my friends daily, wouldn't reply to my parents sending me messages, didn't go on social media unless it was to look at food or triggering images.

The world consisted of me and was ruled by my obsession.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟒: 𝐈 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐯𝐞

There is an unknown amount of time that settles itself between the previous chapter and this chapter. During this time, I once again feel like I'm just a supporting character: my habits develop and my obsession rules over everything I do.

Many of the things I did (which already wasn't a lot, to begin with), were based on stuff I said already. Though even more refined and obsessive.

When I closed my eyes, sleep would take me to dreams about food and weight loss. Approximately three times a night, I would open my eyes, assume it was morning and get ready for another day of exhaustion and starvation. Those nightly hours are still engraved in my mind and current habits: 12:00 am, 3:20 am, 5:28 am.

It is in this chapter that a slow awareness creeps up on me. The side effects are what wakens me when everything else consumes me: constant thoughts about food, the inability to sleep, not being able to think or focus, drifting from reality, always feeling cold, tingling headaches, not leaving the house for days unless it's for shopping (because I would look at food I couldn't eat).

"I need to stop," I told myself while I wrote in my journal how much better I would be if I lost some more weight because the scale is tempting me.

I didn't want to stop. I just wanted it to stop.

Though in reality, I had no control to stop myself or it. I had lost control long ago, and to this day, I still have no idea at which chapter I left it behind. Some days I thought of how to stop, but the exit sign was more like a full-stop as it led me to think of killing myself: it would make my family stop commenting on my condition and could give me a sense of freedom even though I would be dead.

It surely wasn't the first time I passed that exit sign in life, but it was the first time I felt determined to pass it by. All I wanted was to be able to sleep peacefully without thinking of food. *Snort*, such high standards.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟓: 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐦𝐬 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦𝐬

Unexpectedly, a good dream did cloud over my bedroom. Even though it was simple, it's one of the dreams that I hope to keep in my memory forever. And for laughs, I'll share it.

TO1-member Donggeon was standing near my garage but, my mother's car wasn't in the driveway because she wasn't home. I was standing outside with him while he talked with Wei's Donghan (who was invisible to me). They were having a casual conversation in Korean. Then, he wanted to lean against the car that wasn't in the driveway, causing him to fall on all fours. He laughed at his stupidity and, at the same time, his ears were getting red from embarrassment.

That pretty much sums up the first not-food-related dream I had during my entire journey. And I still remember waking up at 3:20 am, laughing: it was stupid and silly but left such a big impression on me. And that's when I told myself: "I need to recover".

It sounds silly but I still, to this day, think that this dream set me off into recovery mode. Even though I felt like I had no control, I tried to take control: calculated a number of calories that I surely had to eat each day, planned Thursday to be my active rest-day, found less intense workouts to do in the morning, tried to replace the mukbangs in my watch later list by relaxing videos or recovery videos, scheduled to journal every day. Though I told myself I would do those things, it wasn't easy to put my words into action.

Yet, I fucking did it.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟔: 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐤 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐦𝐲 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐧

Not going to lie: I spent all night wondering how I was going to write this and all morning putting it into proper words. Hence, the reason why I'm feeling exhausted: too exhausted to continue writing it even though the blooming period is so close. So instead of giving a lecture on recovery: I will try to give my opinion on recovering and how I'm doing these days.

Each day, I still question whether I'm truly in a recovery of something. I never went to see a professional or verbally admitted to my problems, so I never learned whether I'm recovering from something or just making progress after a downfall. I might be familiar with the use of DSM-4 and DSM-5 but, that doesn't mean I'm qualified to judge on whether I had/have a disorder or not. Yet, I opt to use the terms disordered eating and recovery until I'm sure of what it was that I went through.

Some days it feels like I was faking all of it, but then I realise, how was I faking it while I was going through it and experiencing it? Perhaps some of you reading even think I am faking all of the above, but that's your opinion. I don't need to defend myself for feeling things.

Now, I'll update you on where I'm standing today because I guess I wrote six chapters in order to get to this point. We all know I like to write more than necessary.

⋅ My disordered eating habits and calorie intake: I have made quite some progress (even if I say so myself). Each week, I challenge myself to increase my calorie intake by 100 until I reach my maintenance calories. It isn't as easy as it sounds because by the time I actually dared to increase by ten calories, the week is over, and I have to adjust my goal because I wasn't even able to reach close to where I planned to be. This week my goal is to eat 800 calories a day: a number that unexpectedly is paired with a lot of guilt and fear, so I haven't been able to eat that amount yet. The maximum I've eaten is 641 calories a day. Together with that, I also promised myself to eat one fear food or not-eaten food a week: that way, I hope to stop restricting myself and learn to enjoy them again. Some lasting habits I developed: I fear eating too early and will try to push back eating as late as I can because it gives me the feeling that I can enjoy it for longer but I do have strict hours, I cut everything into mini pieces because it gives me the feeling that I have more to nibble on and more to enjoy, I read every single nutrition label multiple times (in the store and at home) because I fear that it might include too many calories or fat, I don't eat anything that I didn't plan and nothing that I can't track calorie-wise, I eat the same thing for breakfast every day because I feel like it's the only food I can trust. The urge to skip meals or lie about them is getting smaller, but the thought always remains in the back of my mind.

⋅ My weight: I'm at a weight that is still considered healthy according to whoever feels qualified to judge. However, I fear gaining weight every single day, which stops me from eating my weekly allowance. Despite eating more than at the start of this: I still lose weight. The weight loss fuels the bad habits once more, but I try to tell myself that my weight is only to indicate whether I'm close to my maintenance calories or not.

⋅ My body: my body kept most of its side effects inside until I started to recover aside from the ones that I've stated before. Yesterday was the first day that I didn't feel cold despite wearing a shirt only, so that was a win for my body. However, I do have constant headaches, get blackouts often and, I easily feel my energy draining whenever I do a little bit too much (which I didn't always feel when I was actively doing it). That being said, my abilities have definitely decreased: you can read what kind of exercise I do in the next paragraph, but it has decreased a lot because I will feel weak sooner than before.

⋅ Exercise: I am between struggling and not struggling with it. The reason why I started to exercise was to burn more calories than I ate. But back then, I had no knowledge of BMR and whatnot. These days I do a lot less impactful exercise than I did before, but I still exercise each day: I do 96 minutes of stationary cycling a day, go on daily walks and have the obsession to take steps whenever I'm standing still. As you might be able to tell, I feel like I'm on the line of having control here.

⋅ My personality/social life/hobbies: even though I was in denial about my changing personality for a long while, I eventually realised that people were right when they said I changed. The realisation came during recovery, mostly because I noticed how I was in a better mood than when I was at my lowest point. My social life is building up slowly and doesn't always include me having to talk about my weight loss or food, though people always mention it so, I do always end up having to talk about it without wanting to. As for hobbies, I found my interest in kpop and writing again but, it's still at a somewhat moderate level. I still find myself lurking at food-related posts or triggering things, but I can control myself better and watch some positive videos instead. Aside from that, I journal every day: I write down what I ate, my physical activity, what I saw as memorable in my day, and more.

𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞

That's pretty much all for the life update. I still left out a lot that I failed to remember while writing or felt too tired to write about, and I bet not a lot of you are interested in any of this anyway. I just felt like I owed everyone an explanation of where I've been and why I haven't been reblogging much or writing.

As I've stated a few times before, I don't know yet when I will get back into writing or posting content. And the past months made me realise that it might be good for myself if I take some time away from Tumblr: I won't be able to look for triggering content, won't be able to trigger anyone else on accident and can focus on working towards my goals.

I hate the word hiatus but I think this means that I will be going on semi-hiatus. On good days, I might still come here to talk to my mutuals or reblog some kpop content that I enjoy. But other times, I probably won't respond or interact much as I'm logged out.

For now, my semi-hiatus will continue until mid to end September. This might be shortened or extended depending on my progress and my personal needs.

Have a lovely day, moonflowers! 💌

#ambrosia's life #was this the tag i used to use for stuff like this?

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and-then-there-were-n0ne · 5 years ago

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The Minnesota Starvation Study

In the 1940s, when starvation was widespread throughout war-torn Europe, little was known about the effects of human starvation or how to best refeed people who’d suffered from such deprivations. Dr. Keys led the first scientific study of calorie restrictions, at the Laboratory of Physiological Hygiene at the University of Minnesota, for the War Department. The researchers wanted to understand the medical needs facing millions of starving war victims and how best to renourish and rehabilitate them to health after the war. Their study was known as the Minnesota Starvation Study and the results were published in the legendary two-volume, Biology of Human Starvation (Minneapolis: University of Minneapolis, 1950). The study itself was so comprehensive and intense, however, that even Dr. Keys admitted no other human experiment quite like it will ever be done again because, given what we now know, it would be seen as too cruel and life-threatening. While the degree of suffering the participants underwent would violate what is seen as the ethical rights for human research subjects today, in one respect this study was different from obesity and weight loss research done today. These men were not volunteering because they felt they needed to lose weight for fear that their own lives were endangered, nor were the study authors motivated by personal gain or selling a weight loss program. Even the recruitment poster for the Minnesota Experiment, dated May 27, 1944, asked for men willing to starve so others may be better fed. The volunteers were all conscientious objectors to the war who said they wanted to do something of real meaning for their country, make a contribution to science and help to improve the medical care for the millions of starving people in Europe. They gave their consent freely, without a feeling of personal duress and with full knowledge of the risks. The recruitment information they were given stressed how difficult the experiment would be. One participant later said: “They explained what was going to happen. There was nothing held back. They explained that they could not assure me that there would be no permanent damage… They did not know what would happen. This is what they were trying to find out… really they emphasized the discomfort… this was not going to be an easy task down the road.” Sixty years later, Johns Hopkins interviewed the surviving study participants for their first-hand experiences and they all said they would do it again:

[T]he men continued to look back on participation in the Minnesota Experiment as one of the most important and memorable activities in their lives. Wesley Miller reported, “It’s colored my whole life experience… [and was] one of the most important things I ever did… I’m proud of the work the Civilian Public Service did during the war.“ Samuel Legg seemed to speak for all of the men when he commented, “I think probably most of us are feeling we did something good and are glad we did it, and that helps us live a better life.”

The experiment — the starvation syndrome

The 40 young male participants were carefully selected among hundreds of volunteers for being especially psychologically and socially well-adjusted, good-humored, motivated, well-educated, active and healthy. They were put on calorie-restrictive diets of about 1,600 calorie/day, meant to reflect that experienced in war-torn regions, for 3 months. They dieted to lose 2.5 pounds a week to lose 25% of their natural body weight. The calories were more generous than many weight loss diets prescribe today! What this study was actually studying, of course, was dieting and restrictive eating — our bodies can’t tell the difference if they’re being semi-starved involuntarily like war victims or voluntarily. During the 3-month nutritional rehabilitation period after the diet, the men were randomly assigned to various nutritional regimens, with differing levels of calories, proteins and vitamins. The men lived at the lab and everything they ate and did was closely monitored, as was their health with a battery of tests. Daily exercise was walking about 3 miles a day. As difficult as the diets were for the subjects, they knew their hunger was less than that of the war victims they were trying to help. All but four completed the study. One of the participants said: “The difference between us and the people we were trying to serve: they probably had less food than we did. We were starving under the best possible medical conditions. And most of all, we knew the exact day on which our torture was going to end. None of that was true of people in Belgium, the Netherlands, or whatever.” Dr. Keys and colleagues painstakingly chronicled how the men did during the 6 months of dietary interventions and for up to a year afterwards. This study scientifically defined for the first time “the starvation syndrome.” As the men lost weight, their physical endurance dropped by half, their strength about 10%, and their reflexes became sluggish — with the men initially the most fit showing the greatest deterioration, according to Dr. Keys. The men’s resting metabolic rates declined by 40%, their heart volume shrank about 20%, their pulses slowed and their body temperatures dropped. They complained of feeling cold, tired and hungry; having trouble concentrating; of impaired judgment and comprehension; dizzy spells; visual disturbances; ringing in their ears; tingling and numbing of their extremities; stomach aches, body aches and headaches; trouble sleeping; hair thinning; and their skin growing dry and thin. Their sexual function and testes size were reduced and they lost all interest in sex. They had every physical indication of accelerated aging. As the physical effects became more dramatic, one study participant said Mrs. Keys confided that Dr. Keys “went through terrible times during the experiment as we lost weight and became gaunt and so on. And he would come home and say, ‘What am I doing to these young men? I had no idea it was going to be this hard.’” But the psychological changes that were brought on by dieting, even among these robust men with only moderate calorie restrictions, were the most profound and unexpected. So much so that Dr. Keys called it “semistarvation neurosis.” The men became nervous, anxious, apathetic, withdrawn, impatient, self-critical with distorted body images and even feeling overweight, moody, emotional and depressed. A few even mutilated themselves, one chopping off three fingers in stress. They lost their ambition and feelings of adequacy, and their cultural and academic interests narrowed. They neglected their appearance, became loners and their social and family relationships suffered. They lost their senses of humor, love and compassion. Instead, they became obsessed with food, thinking, talking and reading about it constantly; developed weird eating rituals; began hoarding things; consumed vast amounts of coffee and tea; and chewed gum incessantly (as many as 40 packages a day). Binge eating episodes also became a problem as some of the men were unable to continue to restrict their eating in their hunger. The act of restricting food and the constant hunger “made food the most important thing in one’s life,” said one of the participants. “Food became the one central and only thing really in one’s life. And life is pretty dull if that’s the only thing. I mean, if you went to a movie, you weren’t particularly interested in the love scenes, but you noticed every time they ate and what they ate.” These experiences are familiar to those who’ve spent their lives dieting. In fact, many of the symptoms once thought to be primary features of anorexia nervosa are actually normal biological responses of undernutrition and restrictive eating, said David M. Garner, PhD., director of River Centre Clinic in Sylvania, Ohio, in Psychoeducational principles in the treatment of eating disorders (NY: Guilford Press, 1997). It was actually Dr. Keys’ research that first evidenced the role of dieting in increasing risks for eating disorders. The extreme physical and mental effects Dr. Keys observed led to his famous quote: “Starved people cannot be taught democracy. To talk about the will of the people when you aren’t feeding them is perfect hogwash.” This was also what led early feminist activists to see dieting and weight concerns as a way to keep women preoccupied with food, filled with guilt and self-hatred, more easily influenced by others, and too mentally and physically exhausted to succeed professionally and politically.

The aftermath

The last part of the Minnesota Starvation Study revealed perhaps the most important effects. When the men were allowed to eat ad libitum again, they had insatiable appetites, yet never felt full. Even five months later, some continued to have dysfunctional eating, although most were finally regaining some normalization of their eating. As they regained their weights, their suppressed metabolism and energy levels returned, although even three months after ending the diet none of the men had yet regained their former physical capacity, noted Dr. Keys. While it seemed the men were “overeating,” Dr. Keys discovered that their bodies actually needed inordinate amount of calories for their tissues to be rebuilt:

Our experiments have shown that in an adult man no appreciable rehabilitation can take place on a diet of 2,000 calories a day. The proper level is more like 4,000 kcal daily for some months. The character of the rehabilitation diet is important also, but unless calories are abundant, then extra proteins, vitamins and minerals are of little value.

In other words, they weren’t really “overeating,” it was a biological, normal effect of hunger and weight loss. The men regained their original weights plus 10%. The regained weight was disproportionally fat, and their lean body mass recovered much more slowly. With unlimited food and unrestricted eating, their weights plateaued and finally, about 9 months later, most had naturally returned to their initial weights without trying — giving scientists one of the first demonstrations that each body has a natural, genetic set point, whether it be fat or thin. Despite the fear that with unrestrained eating everyone would continue to grow larger, it isn’t true. As Dr. Garner explained:

One of the most notable implications of the Minnesota experiment is that it challenges the popular notion that body weight is easily altered if one simply exercises a bit of “willpower.“ It also demonstrates that the body is not simply “reprogrammed” at a lower set point once weight loss has been achieved. The volunteers’ experimental diet was unsuccessful in overriding their bodies’ strong propensity to defend a particular weight level. Again, it is important to emphasize that following the months of refeeding, the Minnesota volunteers did not skyrocket into obesity.

[…] Scientists at Rockefeller University replicated the findings of the Minnesota Starvation study and went on to learn that the body has an incredibly complex and sophisticated system to regulate its fat stores. And when those fat levels deviate from the body’s genetic setpoint, compensatory mechanisms kick in to return the body to is normal state without us having a lot of say about the matter. Decades of sound studies have continued to show that healthy obese people eat and behave no differently than anyone else to explain why their bodies are bigger. It’s not “overeating,” or eating “unhealthy” foods or not enough “healthy” foods, or too little activity, that explains why some of us are fat and others lean. Conventional wisdom on obesity’s cause hasn’t changed appreciably from the time of Galen, who held obese individuals responsible for their size, said obesity researcher Dr. Jeffrey M. Friedman, M.D., Ph.D., head of the Laboratory of Molecular Genetics at Rockefeller University. The commonly held belief that obese people can simply decide to eat less and exercise more to control their weight is “at odds with substantial scientific evidence illuminating a precise and powerful biological system that maintains body weight within a relatively narrow range (10-20 pounds),” he said. Fat people are victimized by a social stigma predicated on these myths, he wrote in a 2004 issue of Nature Medicine. Our body shapes and sizes are, to a most significant extent, genetically determined. “The heritability of obesity is equivalent to that of height and greater than that of almost every other condition that has been studied,” said Dr. Friedman. Someone genetically predisposed to obesity will become obese independent of their caloric intake, he explains. And, while it may explain a few extra pounds, it’s not the environment, where almost everyone as unlimited access to calories, that explains the marked difference in body weights in our population today. “Why has the scientific evidence from long-standing obesity research not found its way into the minds of the public and even a significant proportion of the scientific community?,” asks Dr. Friedman. “Perhaps,“ he says, "it is because these views are shaped by a constant barrage of advertisements from the diet industry which has a multibillion dollar interest in promoting the view that weight can be controlled through volition alone… Perhaps it is because humans prefer to believe that the conscious wish to be trim is an element of our “free will” and should therefore dominate” our genes. But the average person eats one million or more calories each year, while weight changes very little, because energy balance is biologically regulated with a precision of greater than 99.5%, which far exceeds what can be consciously controlled, he explained.

#dieting

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deliberatelyvague · 5 years ago

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This Too Shall Pass(obey me)

Prologue (1/?)

Started: April 15, 2020 at 9:47pm

Ended: April 15, 2020 at 10:54pm

Word Count: 2,069

Pairing(s): none yet

Trigger Warning(s): mentions of an eating disorder

Author’s Note: man I didn’t know where I was going with this one, either, but it seems like I’m making a series now. I was pretty much just ranting at the beginning about my life, and decided, yeah, that’s a good place to start, and viola, here we go.

Request/Prompt: nope, just my mind telling me to do it.

————

You had always been on the heavier side when it came to your weight. Ever since you were in elementary school, you always weighed more than everyone else. It was never a big issue to you until you hit middle school and your doctor started saying something about it.

You knew it was for your better health, so you didn’t try to take it to heart. She laid out a plan and you, along with your family, tried to stick to it.

But the gnawing, guilty feeling in your gut made you want to just stop the diet. It was obviously weighing hazardous on your parents, then being forced to buy ‘healthier’ options which in turn made them more expensive options, and your family was never the most rich, just having enough to live moderately comfortably.

So, the next time you went to the doctor and you had lost around 30 pounds, you were praised. Your doctor was proud of you, your parents were proud of you. And you thought all was fine.

But you gained the weight back. By eighth grade you had gained it back and more, by ninth grade you weighed 20 pounds more than your original weight in sixth grade.

“Are you stress eating?” Your mom asked you. Around this time of your life was stressful, you were being thrust into a new school, a whole new teaching environment, not to mention any clubs you had decided to join. Your depression and anxiety has also ridden you. But you told her you hadn’t, because you really hadn’t been stress eating, you just didn’t think much about what you ate.

The doctor wasn’t as nervous about this weight gain, though, because you had joined a ‘sport’, and you would most likely be losing some of that weight.

But you didn’t lose that weight, you stayed the same. So you made your new year’s tradition to lose weight. You started counting calories, making yourself a minimum of 1,300 and a maximum of 1,500. It worked great! The next time you went to the doctor, which was when you had a sickness and needed to get medicine for it, you had lost 15 pounds, and you were proud of yourself, and your parents and everyone around you were proud.

You didn’t feel like you needed to lose weight. But, the next year rolled around, and you were trying to get closer to your crush. You tried to text them and just talk to them, but they eventually just said

‘I’m just putting this out there, there isn’t anything going on between us and there never will be’

It stung, oh it really stung. You hadn’t even implied anything, and they still told you that. You played it off like you were trying to get anything, but you knew you were lying to yourself.

Then you found out they had a crush on a girl that you were friends with, who was noticeably skinnier than you. You took that to heart. They wanted a skinny girl, not one that was double the size of her.

So, you started counting calories again. But this time, you didn’t set a minimum, you were eating at most 1,300 calories, but some days you were eating less. Nothing below 500, but then you noticed how quickly the weight dropped. So, you cut out breakfast, snacks, and lunch.

Your friends were worried, but your parents didn’t notice. Your mom and dad knew you were counting calories, and they cheered you on, thinking you were eating the proper amount, and you didn’t tell them anything different.

But then, your mom started making little remarks here and there. You didn’t think she meant them to be actually mean or hurtful, but they were like a dagger in your already sore back.

“Yeah, she just measures her food, and half the time she has more on her plate than I do!” You cut your meals in half after that. Her saying that made you feel fat. But she was right, a lot of the time you did have more food on your plate, but not anymore.

Then you hit a wall in your weight loss.

“It’s probably because all you do is lay in bed all day. You need to start exercising.” Again, she was right. You were just laying in bed all day. So, you started going on walks, using an app to help you keep track of how many calories you burned.

Then you realized how easily you can cut down more calories and also burn fat off, so you continued to exercise. The weight started to come off again.

But you were still fat. You were still heavier than most people your age. You hated it.

You had gone on your daily run. You were tired of being trapped inside, so you put on your shorts and a tank top and grabbed your phone, some sunglasses, and your earbuds and went running.

Now here you were, standing in a new environment after being zapped from your world. You wore a black jacket, with an almost turquoise turtleneck underneath, a skirt that hit your mid-thigh, tights, and flats.

Your eyes met with a pair of golden ones, and a man wearing almost the exact same jacket as you but in a crimson color was looking at you. A grin adorned his face, and you couldn’t help but give a small smile back.

“Welcome to the Devildom, [Y/N],” he greeted, his voice coming out younger than you thought it would.

‘Wait, Devildom?’ You thought to yourself. ‘I must have passed out due to low sugar, I knew I should have drank a Gatorade before I went on my run, but-’

“Oh, pardon me, feeling a bit shocked, are we?” His smile was quickly replaced with a frown. You had just met this man and already you felt your heart start to flutter a little bit at his concern. “Well, that’s understandable, you’ve only just arrived, after all.”

‘Calm down, [Y/N], he’s not interested in you.’ You told yourself.

“As a human, it will probably take a little while for you to adjust to things here in the Devildom,” he said, his face going stoic again. You stayed quiet, just choosing to look at him. You sure as hell were not going to feed into this low-sugar induced dream. “I suppose I should start by introducing myself. My name is Diavolo,” he gave a smile again. “I am the ruler of all demons and all here know of me. And someday soon, I will be crowned king of the Devildom.”

You had a flash to a vision outside, a city outline met your view and a bunch of dark shades of red, blues, and purples flitted across your vision.

“This is the Royal Academy of Diavolo, though we just call it RAD. You’re standing inside the assembly hall, the very heart of RAD. This is where we officers of the student council hold our meetings and conduct our business. I’m the president of said council.” He tells you, looking directly at you after admiring the room.

“Why am I here?” You questioned, your arms crossing over your chest.

“I will explain everything to you,” another male voice sounded next to Diavolo. This man was shorter, leaner, and had a black jacket on like yours. He had black hair and an almost angry look on his face, but he seemed like he was one to have a resting angry face.

“[Y/N], this is Lucifer. He is a demon and the Avatar of Pride.” Diavolo introduces him, and you shake your head. This isn’t funny anymore, you just wanted to wake up.

You weren’t going to let your subconscious guilt-trip you into believing in that stuff anymore. Your church had cast you out, and you vowed to do the same to them.

“He’s also the Vice President of the student council and my right-hand man, and not just in title, I assure you.” Diavolo explains more, and you looked between the two of them. Were they lovers? You weren’t going to judge them, they would make a cute couple, but that’s one of the worst ways to tell someone that someone else is taken that you think you’ve ever heard. “Beyond that, he is one of my most trusted friends.”

“Flattery will get you nowhere, Diavolo,” Lucifer says with an uninterested look on his face. He turned to you. “Speaking on the behalf of the entire student body and this great and storied school of ours, I offer you a most heart full welcome, [Y/N].” He smiled after you.

You only frowned.

“On behalf of the students?”

“Diavolo believes that we demons should start strengthening our relationships with both the human world and the Celestial Realm.” No, you refused to believe this is real.

Maybe you had died? You had always been told that you were going to hell, maybe you pushed yourself too hard and you hit your head when you passed out and died. That would make much more sense than this being a dream. It seemed too, lifelike almost.

“As a first step toward this goal, we’ve decided to institute an exchange program. We’ve sent two of our students to the human world and two to the Celestial Realm. And we’re welcoming four students to ours: two form your world and two from the Celestial Realm.”

You purse your lips. Yeah, you had to be dead, there’s no other way to explain this. You guess when you die, you just become an ‘exchange student’ and your place gets taken by another being. Is that some twisted type of reincarnation that your church never taught you about? Your church falsely taught you a lot of things, so that was probably just something they hopped over because it didn’t fit their agenda.

“So, I take it you’ve probably put two and two together at this point, right?” He asks. “You’ve been chosen from among the people of the human world to participate in this program of ours. You are our newest exchange student.”

A feeling settled into your stomach. No, this was real. You weren’t dead, or passed out. This was real.

“Your period of stay is one year. You will have to work on the tasks that you will receive from RAD. After one year, you will write a paper about your exchange here in the Devildom.”

You were taken aback. Hold the phone for a moment.

“Write a paper?” You questioned, taking a step back.

“I am not telling you to write a doctoral thesis. You can take it easy,” he tried to semi-comfort, hit also giving you a ‘tough luck’ look. So you gave him one back, and glared at him. “Don’t glare at me like that. It’s not like I will abandon you all by yourself here in the Devildom. You need someone to look after you, and I think that someone should be my brother Mammon.”

He took a breath, almost as if to collect his thoughts.

“He’s the Avatar of Greed and how should I put it..” he paused again, thinking, with an unamused look on his face. “Oh, well you’ll understand soon enough.”

You opened your mouth to say something, a frown yet again covering your face, but you couldn’t get anything out before a phone-like item was thrust into your grasp. You just now realized that you didn’t have your phone on you.

“Take this device, it’s called a DDD. It’s a lot like the cell phones of your world. This will be yours to use as long as you’re here. Now,” he says gently. “Go ahead and try calling Mammon with it.”

You eye him suspiciously before going and tapping on the icon labeled ‘Mammon’.

————

This was written by me in no way trying to romanticize mental illnesses. I try to write what I feel would help me in the moment. I completely understand that mental illnesses don’t just ‘disappear’ when you’ve figured out that someone loves you or someone helps you once- that’s why I don’t write what happens after in most cases. If you are struggling, please reach out to anyone you trust, or call a hotline.

#obey me #obey me x reader #obey me series #obey me shall we date #obey me lucifer #obey me diavolo #angst #plus sized #obey me x plus sized reader #eatingdisorder #obey me lucifer x reader #obey me diavolo x reader #shall we date lucifer #shall we date diavolo #shall we date x reader #lucifer x reader #diavolo x reader

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