#and at myself but mostly at everybody else and all the systems

[theskyexists]

The pro Israel anti islam nationalist party won for the first time here. So many people just don't give a fuck. This is very bad timing for my sense that anything can ever be done or people are any good

[yelenasdiary]

Forbidden || Meet The Characters - Natasha Romanoff

No Warnings | 0.6K

Forbidden Masterlist

Hi there! I'm Natasha, Yelena's older sister. I have a place in Drybellow where I run an orphanage for young girls. I'm sure Yelena has told a little of our back story and why I have this orphanage, so I won't bother you with more details on that. 

I house 16 girls from ages 6 to 20. These girls have nowhere else to go, these are girls who have run away, girls in trouble and girls who's parents couldn't look after. I do my best; I have a small background on basic medicine, so I am able to treat them correctly when they need it. I educate them and teach them things a woman in this world should know. I'd do anything and everything for them. 

We all live together on some land, well, you'd probably call it a small ranch. We grow our own fruits and vegetables, and we have some animals. Everybody helps out and has their own chores to do before they go off and do their own thing. I don't like to make them feel like they need to work to keep a bed here, when they are ready, I help them find a job and a new home to stay at. Most girls will write and give me updates on their new chapter of life and others like to come back for a visit. 

Some of the older girls and I like to knit things like blankets and clothing for new-borns, that's one of the ways we make some money to help keep this place running. Gardening is also something we all do, the younger girls love planting anything they can find so our home is full of orange, yellow, red, and purple plants. I like to try and keep the younger ones more entertained, long walks around the small, wooded area near the ranch, walks along the coastline, painting when we get some supplies, playing in the mud, enjoying their freedom and letting to be children is important to me. 

Every single girl that comes into my care will leave with the skills they need to care for themselves, look out for themselves and make something wonderful of themselves. But enough about that, I'm sure I've just bored you with all that information. 

As for me, I like doing many things. I do a lot of reading, mostly books that teach you something. Cooking, I love to cook! I've taught the girls how to fish and sometimes when the girls go on a walk, they'll bring back a dead rabbit for me to cook. When my days aren't spent looking after the girls, I'm usually trying to keep track of where Yelena is! We have a system; she is to write to me when she's off catching outlaws and if she doesn't, I'll go looking for her. That's if I don't hear from her within two weeks. 

I don't do all of this by myself though. I have to thank Maria Hill for being such a rock through all of this. She has been with me since I told her about the idea of buying this old, broken and run down property and turn it into something beautiful. She helps with everything, looks after the girls as if they were her own, we both do. Without Maria, this place wouldn't be possible. 

Well, I won't chew your ear off any longer! Feel free to write us a little letter, we're the ranch closeted to the railway station in Drybellow! We would love to hear from you. Stay safe out there! 

~ Natasha, Maria & the Girls of Black Hill Ranch.

Taglist: @madislayyy | @riveramorylunar | @teganmiller | @kyleeservopoulos | @yelenaslyubov | @kacka84 | @lesbiarmy | @meurgen | @caporal-nino | @sl-ut | @scarletwidowblackwitch | @dogtamer415 | @mousetheorist | 

If you want to be on the taglist for this series, please see the masterlist. It's link at the top of this post.

[koirankusema666]

Personal journaling hours!

I've had many revelations as of late about my other kintypes, but it's all so incredibly complex to put into words, and especially being a system in a stressful environment makes me find a LOT of different parts about myself that I never took into consideration.

I have a new persecutor, for example, who wants to remain nameless now, who is straight up just a robot. I know this because whenever it fronts I get robotic shifts. It calls itself Terminator as a joke sometimes. I mean, it's pretty accurate lol. But if an animal alter like me co-fronts with it, I can also shift into a robotic animal.

New kintypes don't always occur as a new alter though. Me, Piski (Dog Piss) am a turkey vulture, but today I realized I have a few other kintypes as well, one being Cryodrakon, a huge northern pterosaur. My pixie fairy alter also revealed she's going to look more into Eurasian lynxes as a kintype.

I see a lot of people and beings make a huge deal about finding new kintypes and coming out about them if you have a lot of them is seen as some kind of a moral failure. Well, beings with lots of kintypes, beings that are systems, stand up!! We're just as valid as everybody else. Who cares if you have 100 kintypes. Who cares if you have only one. You know yourself best.

I'm scared of talking about my other kintypes, because I know I'm mostly known as a vulture on here, but I know it's just some weird human ideology that we always have to grill each other about our kintypes and "make sure we're not faking" but when it comes to harmless things like nonhuman identities, we can't tell each other what we can and can't be.

Me being a replicant canine-headed feathered dragon with sickle claws and six wings and shimmering angelic halos is fucking badass imo. I love being this way. I love being a shapeshifter. I hope when Tumblr users think about me, they just think of me as a beast, not an uwuified fluffy thing and not a horrifying monster, just... Nonhuman with nuance.

[refrigeratorsong]

watched (almost) 200 movies in 2024. these were my favorites, in order of when i watched them.

some quick thoughts about each film down below-

Haru (1996): a beautiful, slow-burn romance that has the most positive outlook that i've ever seen on the window that is the internet. has made the ^_^ emoticon into something that makes me very emotional every time i see it.

La Cienaga (2001): examining a culture of bourgeois colonizers, as the corpse of a system they continue to puppet festers and rots around them. a sweaty and miserable film that i wasn't sure about until the credits hit, but once the swamp water sunk into my clothes and skin, i was devastated.

Mysterious Skin (2004): one of the best movies i've ever seen but also one i could never recommend to anyone. Gregg Araki is always so good at synthesizing queer rage and sadness into something poignant, and this one might be his most emotionally devastating. i had to take a shower afterwards. don't watch it, watch The Living End, or maybe Nowhere instead.

Poor Things (2023): i figured that i'd love this one going in but i couldn't imagine that i'd love it THAT much. this is a special one. the Yorgos for everybody. there's plenty to say about its politics and maybe even some stuff we should be critical of, but i think i love it most because of how much it begs the viewer to make conversation - with other viewers, and with the film itself. and, i haven't seen weirdo cgi skies that wondrous since Speed fucking Racer.

Fucking Amal [or Show Me Love, if you're boring] (1998): the very best lesbian coming of age story i have ever seen. no competition. this one filled my heart with so much love. the fact that it was directed by a cis straight man is mind boggling.

Air Doll (2009): look, i have too much to say about Air Doll. a back of the box synopsis is, a blow up sex doll comes to life and experiences the joys and pains of being a human. that feels so shallow, though. there's so much going on in there about gender, objectification, consumerism, loneliness, life and death and so on. if you watch a single movie from this list, make it this one. i cried through the entire fucking thing.

Love Lies Bleeding (2024): the kinda movie that makes you point at the screen every five minutes and yell 'HELL YEAH'. this is a queer romance on steroids, literally. it's as messy as the relationship it portrays but is better for it. there's so much here about how difficult it is to shed our blood-spattered upbringing, and does it all in the sexiest, gayest way possible. i want to be Kristen Stewart and i want Katy O'Brian to carry me off into the sunset in her big beautiful arms.

The People's Joker (2022): that this movie exists at all is a miracle in itself. Vera Drew, trans clown of crime, is a genius. how this managed to be everything that it is (a parody of comic book movies, a take down of comedian culture, an absurdist collage of every kind of artform, a heartfelt and sincere trans coming of age film) is beyond me. this is true communal filmmaking. the trans new wave is here and i don't believe it is going anywhere any time soon.

Trust (1990): if i had seen this in high school it would have been my favorite movie of all time. as is, seeing it in my 30s, it's still pretty high up there. dripping with early 90s apathy and angst, with dialogue that has a sense of musicality to its cadence. honestly, Trust reminds me a bit of Fooly Cooly in its writing.

Peep "TV" Show (2004): another film that i could never recommend. this is the closest a film has gotten to what it felt like to be in the dark corners of the internet in the 2000s. true freak cinema, a slimy, trashy, 4chan-ass movie, but i mean that as a compliment. i don't know how else to describe it, but i felt it in my bones.

I Saw the TV Glow (2024): i've watched this film five times this year. i still don't know how to write about it. there's plenty to analyze, but this is, mostly, a visceral experience. never have i seen myself so clearly on a movie screen before. you can always become something new. it hurts a lot, but the alternative is to die for the rest of your life.

Where is the Friends House? (1987): a gentle, tiny film about childhood. this is the kind of story that reminds me why movies are made, the empathy machine all gassed up and chugging along at full power. the ending is so, so, so sweet and you know i cried really hard.

Kamikaze Girls (2004): as funny as it is moving, with a completely unique personality that shines so bright. this is a manic, heartfelt masterpiece about identity, and a movie that anyone can love. and, not explicitly, but this movie is totally gay and you cannot take that away from me.

Woman in the Dunes (1964): i put this one off for a good while due to its longer runtime, but it fucking flew by when i finally put it on. one of the best critiques of work and hierarchy, through clear but complex analogies that build upon each other throughout. a true classic.

What Time is it There? (2001): i've seen a decent number of Tsai Ming-liang's films, and this is my favorite. ultra slow cinema, full of piss and loneliness and clocks and a ghost and a big weird fish. the exploration of boundaries is so deeply inspiring. time is a border, distance is a border, money and capitalism and work are borders, the body is a border that we will someday all cross.

They Shoot Horses, Don't They? (1969): completely heart rending. this is a movie about a dance marathon that lasts over a month, and there's a scene where one of the characters stretches his body as high as he can to catch the tiniest sliver of sunlight, and as it moves slowly out of reach his expression falls to pure exhausted defeat. and yeah, that's pretty much what it's like.

The Black Tower (1987): an incredible short film that plays with editing in fascinating ways. there can be many reads with this one, most obviously on depression, but there's also something here about the objects or structures that are most often within our view. what we see through a window can shape how we view the entire world, it can shape our emotions. it reminds me of an interview with Phil Elverum about his project's name change to Mount Eerie, saying something along the lines of 'everyone has that landmark that anchors them to where they live', and to him it was that mountain. to the narrator of the Black Tower, that landmark wants to swallow him whole.

Red Rooms (2023): this movie ruined my goddamn day. i've never been so stressed out while watching a film. this is another evil internet movie, and it made me feel very unpleasant. i never would have thought a series of google searches would have frightened me like that. Red Rooms understands the horror of modern tech, and manages to completely deconstruct the most disgusting aspects of true crime enthusiasts.

Knife + Heart (2018): full of joy and rage in equal amounts. follows a gay porn director and her actors, as a giallo-esque slasher haunts their studio. plays with giallo tropes, especially the othering of queerness, and transcends them in fascinating ways, eventually finding its way into a vibe entirely its own.

Janet Planet (2024): a gentle and slow slice of a very specific childhood, which somehow is exactly my wife's childhood, though i relate to the broader strokes as well. this one sneaks up on you, quietly, thoughtfully. "what are we saying when we talk about mothers?"

[granulesofsand]

Closets of Hats

I keep running into the everybody-has-parts metaphor of wearing different hats. That singlets have access to all the hats, and alters in dissociative systems only have their hats. That dissociation was like putting the hats in different closets instead of one big dressing room.

It doesn’t make much sense to me looking at my system. I also have parts, wear different hats, despite being an alter. I have different hats and wear them like a singlet. Midnight flashback me and coffee date me and babysitter me and work me are all the same alter that is me. I can wear my hats concurrently, like tending to a lost child at my workplace. I’m still an nonhuman alter at work, still have characters I relate to, still have a backstory and everything after. All me.

We do have fragments, who only wear one hat. We have people who are developed, but mostly surface to wear this one hat because it suits them really well. But surfacing to wear one hat doesn’t require we don’t have any others.

It’s an elaboration thing that icks me out because it’s reductive. I didn’t stop existing after this one event that created me or put my hats in a different closet. I kept experiencing life, internally or externally, and kept adding to myself. There are lots of hats in my closet, and I don’t find it fair to compare how many I have to anyone else, alter or singlet or otherwise. Lack of elaboration does not make you less of a thinking creature, and it doesn’t have to be permanent if it’s distressing.

If you can switch readily or have a good imagination, you have the tools to bring in more experiences. Tolerating that experience keeps you present, insures that the new hats will go to your closet. It’s not a fast thing, it takes building skills first, but it can be done. And you are still just as real and whole if you don’t.

Some systems do prefer the alters-as-parts, alters-as-hats, because it’s easier to determine who does what and how they fit together. Functional multiplicity and fusion come more naturally seeing the others as puzzle pieces to the bigger picture of capital Y You, the collective.

Pretty much wear however many hats you want. Collect them or pick one or get attached to what you were given. Every system is different, and that includes how we wear our hats.

[rorah]

Hi there!!! I love your artwork, it’s gorgeous!! It makes me so happy when I see your name on my feed!! The way you portray Byleth and Dimitri is beautiful.☺️

I saw your recent post about reading about autism, I hope it’s not intrusive or rude to ask, but may I ask which book you read about autism? I was curious about autism in myself and wanted to learn about it more but didn’t really know where to start.

Thank you & have a lovely week!!!

( ˘ ᵕ˘(˘ᵕ ˘ ) hug hug hug

/⌒つ⊂⌒\

Hello lovely anon 🫶✨ Your words make my soul so happy and put a big smile on my face it could hurt🥺 (but it's worth it becase it fuels me to keep doing things 🥰)

For autism, the book is part of a collection with a focus on neuroscience and psychology. And it's just one book focused on autism from the entire collection. In my opinion, it's too little for what the topic could cover from a biological perspective, but the book itself is simply an introduction to understanding autism in these biological aspects, as well as a general guideline of how its study has developed over the years, and other concerns that have been constant over the years (such as treatments and causes. Spoilers: There's no cure and research indicate that it is a mostly genetic condition, but there are still doubts about other possible causes).

Anyway, it's a collection in Spanish from 2019.

Personally, I think there is more information in English and much more up-to-date, since research on the subject continues. Unfortunately, I don't have any book recommendation in English that I can guarantee a broad and digestible understanding of the spectrum (bc I haven't personally read it lol). But I can recommend channels on YouTube (:'D), that recommend books (:'DD) about autism. And I can trust the information that these people spread; they are all adults who were diagnosed in their adult life.

The first one Mom on the spectrum (her whole channel is good too for approaching to approach to experiences and terms, and one of the only ones talking about the nerve system in Autism *still not full info tho*)

Katey One More Time (Ngl, I just found out this channel looking for books, but she tackles good point on what you'll find in each book, where to start and what to look for depending on your interest in the topic)

To start, I think those two videos about books is more than enough, but i'd like to recommend other channels that brings good info to the table, so you'll be able to choose the one that is more pleasant (or you connect the most) to you.

Yo Samdy Sam (AuDHD woman)

Autism from the inside (Previously Asperger man)

Orion Kelly-That autistic guy (purely Autistic Man)

Chris and Debby (AuDHD Man, my personal fav bc is funny)

Morgan Foley (AuDHD Young woman whose shorts are made to be relatable, and fun) And there's plenty more, but these are the ones that had helped me to navigate, understand, and relate in a personal level. I would also recommend the perspective from a professional (psychiatric/psychologist) But sadly, the ones I like don't specialize in Autism and therefore their knowledge may lack more updating. If it is a specialist in the spectrum, it will be much easier because they'd be focused on that area, but I only know one and it is in Spanish (Ernesto Reaño), perhaps you can activate the subtitles as a tool, but it is better to find one that seems pleasant to you. You can also read articles on internet. If you suspect you might be Autistic, start with that first book. Relating to a lot of Autistic people is also an indication, but you also be careful because we're all different and won't relate 100% to one another. Identify similarities between other conditions than can pass as Autism experience is also part of the thing. There are even test online that can help you look deeper if you score high in there. Anyway, hope, is not too much and helps you in your curiosity 😅 Have a lovely week yourself (and everybody else)🫰💗✨

[bobafett51]

I was denied reasonable accommodations because I applied for them too late. It’s not my fault I didn’t get my diagnosis until recently but apparently it was too late to get reasonable accommodations. It gets really frustrating and tiring, living in a system that isn’t built for almost all of your identities. Other than my gender and able-bodiedness, I have to explain and fight for all of my identities everywhere I go in mainstream society. And my other identities interact with my gender and able-bodiedness in negative ways. My ethnicity and muscular build make people assume I’m a gangmember. My autistic brain, already struggling with social cues, has to factor in the non-verbal communication my outfit, walk, and stimming and other mannerisms convey to actual gangmembers and police officers. Lest I get harassed, beat, or worse by them. When I’m in the club I have to worry about the way I dance for the same reason. I also have to worry about the times I get overstimulated at the club or go non-verbal. People at the club, and even other contexts, often assume consent to very sexual touching. Often it’s this touching that sends me over the edge into non-verbalness or overstimulation. And because they assume consent it means they keep going and because I’m non-verbal/overstimulated I’m unable to really do or say anything. And because Im a muscular, able bodied latino man I’m expected to be able to advocate for myself and the assumption is that this is what I want and wanted. Even when it’s not. It just becomes all so traumatic, isolating, and for some reason I don’t fully understand yet, it’s mostly just tiring. Sometimes I wish these things didn’t happen, that I was born different, that i didn’t have to go through the trauma and tribulations that I have had to go through. But despite that, I have come to mostly respect, appreciate and be grateful for these things that I used to wish never happened. Stephen Colbert once said, “what punishments of god are not gifts?” Everybody suffers and is hurt. In those times of hurt we like to hear from other people that we’re not alone; that other people have suffered similarly. We can form the strongest bonds with the people who have gone through similar traumas by talking and expressing ourselves to eachother. Because of these experiences, I am able to do that with so many people. I’ve been able to be there for my friends, countless of them, in their times of need at every stage of my life because I could empathize with them so well. I have been blessed to be able to share my stories of trauma and healing with other people. Little else makes me happier than hearing a family member or a friend telling me about a time I was there for them during one of their hard times. Some gifts require a lot of work and hardship to be able to receive. Connecting on that level is one of them. That’s why “I have come to love the things that I once wished had not happened.”

[wejusthereforthefanart]

Thorston Twins Headcanon at 2AM

It’s a little past 1:30 in the morning, but I just thought of this fun idea and wanted to type it out before I can sleep.

What if the other riders picked up on subtle patterns Ruffnut and Tuffnut showed throughout the years? Maybe Astrid’s an insomniac, so she’ll spend many nights watching over the group and notices the twins change sleeping positions on a regular basis.

On normal nights, they’ll maintain light physical contact with one another, like interlocking their fingers to know the other is present. If they had an unresolved fight, they sleep with their backs to each other, and if one of them is remorseful, they’ll face their sibling. When they feel unsafe or stressed, they cuddle, and after waking up so close to one another, they’ll start fighting as a way of “regaining their honor”. 

Maybe there’s a time in which Fishlegs prepares a meal and plates everything, but Ruff and Tuff will immediately start exchanging sides, like she gives him her fish and he scrapes half of his fruit onto her plate in return. The two of them seem to have a system for any food combination imaginable, because they’ll do this during every meal and without speaking a single word. 

And I love the idea that the twins are neurodivergent, but with different disorders (personally, I’m into Tuff having ADHD while Ruff is autistic, but that’s just my preference) and what if Hiccup catches onto their thought process for once? It seems like everyone else often struggled to understand what the twins were thinking when they came up with their own plans, but there could be an instance where Hiccup actually understands the connections they made and why they thought of something, and is like “holy crap, that makes sense!” Afterwards, he starts taking more time to reflect on their ideas before reacting, to see if he can connect the dots the way they did. This one is mostly just myself projecting my own elation when someone at school or work would tell me “I see what you mean,” after such a long time of not being fully understood. 

I think while Snotlout has known them longer than any of the others, he’s also kinda dumb and wouldn’t bother psychoanalyzing them the way Fishlegs or Hiccup would. So he’ll see them constantly distract themselves with pranks and dangerous stunts when everybody else confronts serious problems, and pay it no mind until it’s finally drastic. Let’s say the group escaped a terrible hostage situation, and the twins wake up the next morning suddenly pretending nothing happened. The others could be really upset or frustrated that they’re, once again, taking things lightly, but Snotlout finally puts two and two together and concludes, “Oh, this is a coping mechanism. You both have probably been fully aware of every big issue we’ve dealt with, and joking around helped you handle the stress.” THAT’S when he starts to take notice in how they behave; pranks are an attempt to distract others, jokes are meant to distract themselves, and dares are intended to distract each other. 

This is all leading up to my opinion that Ruffnut and Tuffnut deserve more attention. What’s that, they’re the central focus of many fanfictions and are high in the popularity polls? No, more attention. All of the attention. 

[wendy3582]

The Fox Hunter

Every day I wake up with an even greater agony of having to be myself for the next 24 hours. The cup of coffee my wife had prepared has been cold for a long time. I cannot concentrate or get out of bed without stumbling across the thought of changing myself. The taste in my mouth is bitter, yet I still believe there is more life has to offer. But what does one have to do to rebrand oneself? I walk over to the mirror. I brush my ginger hair out of my face, put it behind my ears and rinse my mouth with fresh water. I never liked looking at myself mainly because the mirror only reflects what others might have said about you each time. And because, especially today, I do not feel like myself, I try everything to distract myself from thoughts like these. My wife spots immediately that my mood has gone blue, she pats my shoulder. She heats my coffee again. 

“I refuse to stay hidden away any longer, it makes me feel trapped.”

“All of us are trapped, but we are happy.”

“Everything is better in the outside world…Darling, I am almost the age my father was when he passed. I cannot stay hidden for any longer, not in this hole. I am ready for a change.”

Our kids trot down the stairs. I get up and walk over to the window carved into a wooden wall. I whistle. As I do I close my eyes, to escape. I think of my brother for a moment. The usual popular guy, always handy to everybody. I wonder what I would be like if I had gone down the same path. Always the best form, smart from all the books he would read, good at everything he touched. I cannot even fit to hold a candle to someone. The bitterness of a curse appears on my tongue again. Remember, there is always more to life than just pleasing the ones surrounding you. I stop the whistle. It is not my first time feeling this void in my chest. Melancholic emptiness and the lust after the life I could have lived if I made the decision. My father always used to tell me that if I fear something, I should take away its only power. For me, that would mean learning how to detach from certain situations. I hate the distress of hearing somebody else´s thoughts louder than my own. So, I kept my composure anytime somebody opened up to me, then regretted it. It wasn´t like me to get violent, It wasn´t like me to bite.

My all-time favourite tradition would be to watch others in the jammed outside world. See what they are up to each day and secretly wish I could join them. The pit in my stomach would hold me back. My kids are yelling at each other again. They remind me of me and my brother, they fight because they are different. One is confident, honest, extroverted, dim-witted while the other is a loner, who would prefer to crawl under his bed and never come downstairs for dinner again. I do not blame him, he cannot be underestimated. He is a dreamer who happened to be born in the wrong body. He fears his brother even though he would actually never hurt him, he does it for the thrill of it. Just like all the people I see from the window. And if one does it all of them follow. I have no idea why, after all, only dead fish follow the stream.

I carry on with my day. I work hard on a project I planned with our neighbours. We chat and they invite me for an afternoon cup of warm liquor, I can never say no to that. Even though you could say we are different breeds we all want the same. A secure space without the lack of food or water. I cannot disagree with the fact that we live from hand to mouth, which would be perfectly fine with me if there was enough food for all of us. For the past months, we met up one evening each week and tried to come up with a solution. Until we thought of one. I pictured the people behind my window, how they were all perfect and had everything they needed. This was our only chance to save us. The system had failed us, and we had to do something with it. 

And there I was out with lanterns looking for something to live off of but mostly trying to find myself. My feet were sore and the air was humid, thicker than ever. I left home in order to help my children, my wife. A cold evening and a revolutionary day. When I touched the land of the nameless keeper, there was no ecstatic chatter coming from the magical place I had tracked days ago. Only my heavy breath coming out of the very bottom of my lungs. This was the day I finally escaped from the place I so boldly called a hole. What is life without experience? This was all I ever wanted…or wasn´t it?

I got closer than ever to unlocking something that had been kept away from me my whole life. Maybe once I found it I would be finally considered as ambitious as my brother or as fearless as my father. One by one, my steps led to this lit up space I imagined visiting my entire maturity. As I looked around I immediately smelled some fresh food. In fact, enough food for my whole family and all of our neighbours. The pit in my stomach moved to my throat. I was ready to give everything up for the risk of saving my tribe. I imagined it all like a game, where there were two kinds of players. The hunters and the prey. It was either to be a player or to be played. I felt the envy boiling inside me. I could not sleep for three nights wondering how I was going to get up and be myself for the next 24 hours, while the people, who lived a stone´s throw away from me, had everything I had ever dreamt about. There was no going back now, I thought. I am an inch away from the life I would die to have, I earned it.

I reached for my price. My steps got louder, I was determined. The lights flashed before my eyes. There was nowhere to run. I heard sounds and saw creatures I had not seen before. I stole the food and ran. However, something wasn´t sitting right with me. I felt some sense of relief when my feet stepped on the soft grass in the outer world, however, there was this thing I could not escape. It had followed me ever since I got to this place. My body stiffs as I see a shadow lurking behind me. Deep down I know what I am doing is not right, the food wasn´t mine to touch. I drop everything as I release the clench I so desperately held in my jaw and turn around, to face the person standing behind me.

But it wasn´t a person. A creature with the body of a human and the mind of the devil himself. With a scratched, oblong object pointed right at me. I feel myself shake as I take a step back to show I come in peace. The creature pulls the trigger. The system I had thought had failed us was never broken, it was built this way.

I will never change. I lower my fox ears, he fires the bullet.

PS: Hey guys! This is officially my first post & first short story in English. Hope you enjoy! See you next time🙌🏻🧡

[newathens]

hiiii hope ur doing alright I’m so sorry if this is too personal but I was wondering what u meant by “so many opportunities to be the person i always wanted to be are no longer at my disposal” ? I’m just entering my 20’s and idk what to watch out for, what to take advantage of and what to develop & invest time and energy into? Thank you so much & feel free to ignore this ofc hope u have a lovely year!

firstly I’d say im not the best person to ask because im just a nightmare negative nelly debbie downer no good fiend but mostly what i was referring to in that statement was my own personal mental illness situation. its very hard to describe but now that my brain i guess is “healthy” i look back at myself, probably from the ages of 16-24, and i realized that i wasn’t a person. i wasn’t operating with a healthy mind, i mean I’d say i wasn’t even operating with a mind. i was some strange zombie that would get up and go to class and then go to work and nothing else and i KNOW i say that now as a regular person who works but its different. it’s almost like i had no bodily autonomy in my own self. And i mean i DID things in college sure but if i had the mind that i have now back then, i think my life would currently look ten times different. And now i feel like there’s no way to fix it. At least, not a way that i can logically create. That statement is just specific to my situation

it’s hard to suggest things when everyone’s situation is so unique. ik you’re young and entering an even crazier world than i did ten years ago. honestly, my advice, is try a ton of new things, get away from your phone, listen to some of financial freedom gurus cause they have a point every now and then (roth ira, hysa, etc etc) but not always. if you’re in college, find internships & make connections. and if you feel you’re not good at socializing, work on it until you are. its so important, it’s the one thing i wish someone had told me. it’s so so important to have connections and be a networker and it sucks that that is the way the system is set up but go for it as much as you possibly can. um if you are mentally ill like me, go to therapy as soon as possible if your budget allows. and i don’t even mean in a “you have to heal your mental illness immediately & be ur best u” way. therapy just takes a lot of time and the sooner ur start the better. it’s nice to play the game of life with a fuller deck of cards. get rid of shame, haha teehee, im not kidding. and if you can’t just ignore the fact that its there even if it makes u want to hurl. and u can apply that to a lot really. going to the gym or starting a dance class or going to a cafe or eating alone. do u know when i was in college everybody was scared of eating alone and i wasn’t. granted i feel i am revolting and try to keep away from others so that’s why i had no trouble, but still. i could never understand why ppl were worried abt eating alone. focus on the fries! talk to ppl in your head! no shame! there’s no reason to have your life figured out, but im not going to say what other people say and tell you you have all the time in world. ignore the world for a second actually. figure out YOU and your interests and what YOU dream about and again try new things so you have a better understanding of YOU and then you can mold the world around you to better suit what you believe will give u the greatest joy & the best situation. because if you know you then all the choices become a lot less scary & half of them disappear altogether bc they become irrelevant! that’s all i can think of for now. im sorry if it doesn’t make sense.

[shiningnightstars]

INTRO

Hello! We are the Worm Collective, and this is the host and body, Star, speaking! For the sake of this post, I will be referring to us as a singular. (IRL friends - if you are seeing this post and seeing this information, please don't ask about it and don't tell anyone else about it! If I feel ready to tell you, then I will tell you. Thank youu <2)

More info + DNI below the cut!

- I am a minor, and I am aroace and have two queerplatonic partners! My partners are @eepymallowmarsh and @the-nintendo-dsi (malice).

- I am a system of about 50 or so other people, though I'm usually the one in front!

- I am xenogender! What xenogender specifically? Well. That's for you to know and me to find out.

- yes you read that last point correctly.

- I am an artist! If you want to commission me, feel free to DM me and ask! Just keep in mind that I'm a minor, of course. (I also can only do commissions for Discord Nitro or other various video game currencies (i.e. robux for Roblox, zophan canisters for Pokéfarm, etc))

- As a system, I prefer to be referred to as a singular by other people unless you are specifically referring to the entire system. I mostly use we/us/our when referring to the whole system myself, and the others in the system usually use we/us/our when referring to the system or the body or any of my family or friends or any I own, etc.

- Ask me to tag anything you need tagged, or if you need plain text or alt text tell me as well and I can add that!

If I think of anything else I'll add it lol

HYPERFIXATIONS

(* means big hyperfixation right now)

Undertale/Deltarune (@greyro-undertale-enjoyer) [Fav: Papyrus]

Bug Fables (sideblog: @star-shaped-bug) [Fav: Leif]

Splatoon (3) [Fav: Frye]

Entomology (sideblog: @star-shaped-bug) [Fav: Beetles!!!] *

Animator VS Animation [Fav: Purple] *

OCs (mine and friends) [Fav: All of them]

In Stars and Time/START AGAIN: A Prologue [Fav: Isabeau] *

Murder Drones [Fav: N]

Ride the Cyclone [Fav: Ricky]

Gravity Falls [Fav: Dipper]

Project Sekai [Fav: Saki]

Cookie Run: Kingdom [Fav: polychampions] ***

Hermitcraft [Watching Grian since S6]

Third life series [Fav: Dersert Duo/Ranchers]

OneShot [Fav: The World Machine] **

DNI

I'm not really too strict on my DNI, however — DNI if:

Syscourse (if you're anti-endo but are at LEAST chill about it and not pushy then you're fine)

Pedophilic/"Minor Attracted Person" (not interested. go away and get actual, genuine help.)

Transphobic, homophobic, misogynistic, TERFs, aphobic, xenophobic/racist, ableist, etc.

Don't like interacting with minors

Mean to my partners

Call people crybabies, view crying as a negative thing for everybody to be ashamed of, harass people for crying, etc.

Bored and wanna be mean to someone (I'll just block you and delete whatever you said. It's pointless lol)

You don't pass my vibe check (aka I block you)

If you are on my DNI, then just block and move on! Thank you! Also if you get blocked by me, you do NOT reserve the right to know why I blocked you. Please just move on.

TAGS

#starling sings - star speaking tag

#my art - my art

#other's art - other people's art

#important - things I deem important knowledge

#favorites - my favorite posts

#favorites favorites favorites - my favorite favorite favorite posts

#my qpp - posts about Mallow

#my qpp 2 - posts about Malice

#[___] tag - other headmate speaking tag

#oc: [___] - tag for my OCs

I have so many tags this section will likely be updated the most.

EXTRAS

I ran the blog @mini-games! I have a lot more followers on that blog so if you followed me and don't know why cause you forgot, then it's possible that's why.

Tag me in anything related to bugs please! Whether you tag my main (this blog) or my bug sideblog is up to you. It is my goal to be the bug enjoying mutual.

Talk to me about my OCs. Btw. If you are bored and are curious.

Also feel free to send me any photos of your pets!!! I love animals and I love seeing them!!! Let me see your animals!!!!!

Have a great day/night/timezone! o/

credit for the dividers: @enchanthings

[void-the-punk-or-something-idk]

“ Oh, can it be?

The voice is calling me

They get lost and out of time ”

“ I should have seen it glow

But everybody knows that a broken heart is blind ”

Little Black Submarines - The Black Keys

About this blog !

• How should you refer to me?

However you like, and with whatever name fits the vibe. It need not be restrained by gender. If you need help, though, then Dirk works just fine.

I prefer he/him pronouns, generally. Perhaps I'll throw an "it" around on some occasions.

• What is this place?

This is an otherkin blog separate from my main blog since that one is mostly for fandom. I am part of a system, but the blog for those sorts of shenanigans is @just-paradox-things. I'll be posting a little bit about source memories, and using this blog to send asks in "otherkin culture is" type spots.

• What are my kintypes?

I perceive myself three ways that are very separate.

1.) Fictionkin:

I feel that I was, at one point or another, in like a past life or whatever, Dirk Strider from Homestuck. I take comfort in this alternate identity, hence why I ask that anyone who sees my blog drifting in the void default to his name if they can think of nothing else.

When I lean more this direction, I more or less perceive myself like this:

(They have a tag in-picture, but art by @\borzoilover69)

2.) Otherkin/Alterhuman:

This one is harder to explain. A lot of times I feel like something not made for a human body, but forced to inhabit one, anyway. That is the alterhuman aspect.

However, on occasion, I don't feel particularly human at all. Humanoid, yes, but that's wrong and constrains my true nature. In these cases, I've been known to describe such as a "tentacled, Eldritch creature of shadow, piloting a turn-of-the-century automaton." Insert Magnus Archives reference here.

I did a sketch to give a vague approximation of something inexpressible. To point at the unknowable, which shifts and changes whenever I try to define it. Here it is:

3.) Therian

I'll be the first to admit I don't quite have all of the answers for this one yet. I know I'm wolffolk, but I'm unsure yet if I'm werewolfkin or just a regular wolf. Both is a possibility. I just know that I look at these guys and it's like family.

• Other fun facts:

- Unsurprisingly, I like cosmic, psychological and body horror. My current favorite things in this genre are The Magnus Archives and Slay the Princess. I am normal about neither.

- Speaking of Magnus Archives, my fear alignments!

Touched by: The Web, The Buried, The Vast

Marked by: The Flesh, The Spiral, The Lonely

Avatar of: The Stranger

- I'm trans. Maybe I didn't need to tell you that.

- I draw! (Obviously.)

- Other interests: Homestuck, Cult of the Lamb, Hazbin Hotel, analogue horror, horror in general, witchcraft, psychology, writing and fanfiction, cooking, long walks on the beach and having intimate relations with your mother.

[bluemanedhawk]

hello. I'd phrase this more respectfully, but I have decided to have zero concern for hurting your feelings because I'm convinced you don't have any. I'd like to ask why you continue to actively refuse acknowledgement that nobody in apionet likes you and everyone there thinks you're an obnoxious prick. how come, instead of rationally accepting your ban, you call one of the admins a cunt and repeatedly waste your time evading your ban and spouting your bullshit into there, expecting anyone to acknowledge it? no one there wants to hear your bullshit. why are you unable to accept this? and please consider providing actual fucking answers to these questions instead of dodging them as you usually do, otherwise I have absolutely no reason to believe you aren't a troll.

actually, even better idea: just stop fucking doing all of these things that make people hate you! and stop trying to justify them! because the simple fact is that you're a terrible person, as evidenced by the fact that everyone hates you.

if you want to continue to spout your pretentious nonsense onto the internet, there are a hundred thousand other places in the vast world of the internet to do so, which are not an arbitrary IRC network that hates you. in fact, you seem to already know this, because you have a tumblr page, a website, etc. how hard is it to just use those?

hello.

Hello.

I'd phrase this more respectfully, but I have decided to have zero concern for hurting your feelings because I'm convinced you don't have any.

Well, this ask is certainly off to a roaring start, what with blatant dehumanization in just the second sentence. Mx. Ymous, this is not a good look for you.

Let me ask you: do you think that you would phrase this ask that way if this weren't anonymous? if the people you care about knew that you were sending this ask? I ask this not only in the hopes that you'll reconsider your actions, but also because people have a tendency to overestimate their anonymity; i'll elaborate no more on that matter.

Let me ask you a different question: do you think you would phrase this ask like this if you were sending it to somebody else? I happen to have a pretty strong resistance to the things that you've said in this ask. Not everybody would, and they might react quite differently. I would avoid getting into the habit of treating people like this if i were you.

I'd like to ask why you continue to actively refuse acknowledgement that nobody in apionet likes you and everyone there thinks you're an obnoxious prick.

Don't put words in people's mouths.

I happen to remember that there were people there that i got along with mostly pretty okayly. Unless the administration has decided to perform a purge of all those people, the statement in the indented paragraph nearest upwards from this paragraph this sentence is in is simply factually incorrect.

If it were correct, i would acknowledge it and not really care all that much except inasmuch as it personally affects me—it's not my responsibility to try to control the perceptions of others. The actual actions of the people would be of significantly more interest to me than whatever might be going on inside their heads.

how come, instead of rationally accepting your ban,

There is no rational way to accept the ban because the ban was punitive and the possible consequences of accepting it would outweigh the possible consequences of fighting it. Since it's directly relevant to this determination of rationality, i'll also note for the record that, in addition to being punitive, the ban:

was thrusted into me at a time when i was unaround and unable to defend myself

was thrusted into me without a fair trial

was thrusted into me without much explanation of why it was being performed

was thrusted into me in direct violation of the laws of the land

was thrusted into me without any way to negotiate the terms of lifting the ban

I used to try to convince people away from punitive criminal justice systems by appealing to their morality, deriding such systems as “immoral” and “unethical”. Nowadays, i think that a better way to convince people is simply by pragmatism: there is a mountain of evidence showing that punitive criminal justice is plain and simply not effective at all in reducing crime.

Now i'm wondering what the angle of repose of scientific papers is.

you call one of the admins a cunt

I think that this is a misrepresentation of what happened. I will state my side of the story: in my initial attempts to evade the ban, i determined a method of entrance and, as my first action upon completion of that entrance, i stated in reference to previous failed attempts at evasion “This isn't Mario Party: you won't get a bonus star for being the biggest cunt.”.

Stating that i “called one of the admins a cunt” is technically correct, because i used the term in the singular and it was in description of the action of the administration. Despite that, i would have interpreted the way you described things as implicating that i directly stated at one of the members of the administration something along the line of “Person'sname, you are a cunt.”, which is incorrect.

I really don't want to make assumptions, but i'm going to anyway: i think that there might be a cultural difference at play here, because i really did not consider this to be a notable or interesting part of this incident, yet you seem to consider it important enough to mention. I consider the word ‘cunt’ to be just another insult, along the lines of ‘dick’, ‘shitface’, ‘fucking assbag’, or ‘shitfucked assfaced dickhead’, and i do not really take much offense from insults, even though i might react to them in other ways. I suspect that when i made the statement i did, i was assumpting that these positions would also hold for everybody else, but they ended up not doing so. If this is the case and i ended up hurting people, i apologize and will keep this situation in mind for the future; if this is not the case or i didn't end up hurting people, feel free to completely ignore this paragraph.

and repeatedly waste your time evading your ban and spouting your bullshit into there, expecting anyone to acknowledge it?

It really doesn't take that much time at all. What little time it takes is worth it. It cannot matter to me whether anyone acknowledges it, because it operates as a one-way street for me. I have zero clue what goes on in there whatsoever.

no one there wants to hear your bullshit. why are you unable to accept this?

Again, don't put words into people's mouths.

I put things into the world. If people want to see them, they can. If they don't want to, they needn't. I can accept that.

and please consider providing actual fucking answers to these questions instead of dodging them as you usually do,

I'd be able to do that better if i knew what was meant by ‘dodging’, as it's something i've been accused of in the past in cases where i didn't think it was happening.

otherwise I have absolutely no reason to believe you aren't a troll.

Trolling can never be proven unless there's a direct genuine confession.

actually, even better idea: just stop fucking doing all of these things that make people hate you!

The minds of others are wholly their own; it is not my duty to control them. The actions of others are more important to me, and i will respond to them.

and stop trying to justify them!

There are people making claims that i percieve to be incomplete. Because i think these claims are incomplete and that people might fill in the blanks with the wrong things, i think that it is to my detriment for these claims to be propogated. Therefore, it is rational for me to state what i think people should fill in the blanks with.

because the simple fact is that you're a terrible person, as evidenced by the fact that everyone hates you.

That's not how that works.

if you want to continue to spout your pretentious nonsense onto the internet,

‘Pretentious’? I don't have the best memory of these kinds of things, but i think that that's a first, and i have no idea what the reasoning behind it might be.

there are a hundred thousand other places in the vast world of the internet to do so, which are not an arbitrary IRC network that hates you. in fact, you seem to already know this, because you have a tumblr page, a website, etc. how hard is it to just use those?

They just ain't the same, man! The vibes are all wrong, they're completely different, they just aren't right for what i wanna say!

More seriously, it's because i consider the ban that was issued into me there to be unjust, and what i do operates as a way to undermine what i consider to be an illegitimate authority and fight against what i consider to be an unjust action.

[random-thought-depository]

I went to a friend's birthday party yesterday.

She lives in Mountain View and I live in Berkeley (different parts of the SF Bay Area), it was nice to see her and her partner again but the journey to get from my home to hers and back was very long and kind of unpleasant and draining, it was a two hour train ride one way plus time for waiting at stations and walking, so in total I spent something like 4-5 hours traveling yesterday. I was thinking "why is this tiring for me? I'm mostly just sitting!" but no, actually, it made sense, it was my first time traveling this route and I was sitting with stress and anxiety and I think that was rational, I almost boarded the train going in the wrong direction at the transfer station and I think I ended up wasting $2 because I was unfamiliar with the ticket vending system for the south bay light rail, this was a situation where I was at elevated risk of aversive experiences and might have needed to devote high cognitive effort to avoiding them. It really didn't help that I was running late in the morning and didn't have time to grab a sweetened drink on the way to the downtown Berkeley train station like I intended to so I ended up in a situation where I was in an unfamiliar environment and had basically not eaten or drunk for the previous like 15 hours (I got a short sip from a train station water fountain but that was basically it) and was really feeling it. Before I arrived I texted my hosts to ask if they had a soda I could gulp down quickly or if I should buy one on the way over to them because I (I think correctly) figured getting something with lots of water and sugar into me would be the quickest way to fix me.

The actual party was... Hmm, I didn't know most of the people there at all, in terms of basic personality type/neurotype they seemed a lot like me (I was able to talk about interests to people who had similar ones to mine, which was nice), but I also felt some tension of "I strongly suspect that this is a group in which I'm an outlier in being much poorer than more-or-less everybody else here and I strongly suspect I have pretty significant values differences from a lot of these people reflecting our class differences, i.e. I suspect I'm way to the left of a lot of them. I want to be polite and friendly to these people but I don't want to be a doormat and I do want to scope out a little whether people I meet here who I might interact with in the future have values compatible with mine, because, well, let's just say I've never seen an autism symptom list I didn't see a lot of myself in and that 'for autistics our values are our identities' theory definitely resonates with the way my psychology works, whether I perceive somebody as having values compatible with mine is a major factor in how comfortable I am interacting with them."

I think I managed to find an approximately OK balance between those goals. The only time I probed a little at a possible values difference it turned out to be (as far as I could tell) a vocabulary difference instead of a substantive difference in values or a substantive difference in world-models, and I think I did it in a way that achieved an OK balance of being polite and friendly but also not being a doormat. Of course, to really tell I'd have to ask the people I interacted with how they experienced the interaction, and while I theoretically could do that I won't in the foreseeable future because that would be a really invasive thing to ask people who basically don't know me at all (I only met them because they are friends of my friend).

Some people there did respond affirmatively to me asking if they'd be interested in seeing some of my writing, to the extent of one person following me on Tumblr and a couple giving me contact information for one of them so I could send them links to stuff when I actually get more stories done.

I think the first of those people might have been a little put off when she opened my tumblr on her phone and the second post she'd have found when scrolling down was the one in which I expressed happiness about somebody agreeing to take my virginity. I may have gotten my social intuitions too calibrated to the standards of eccentric Tumblr queer people to have good intuitions for avoiding squicking people with more average intuitions about sexuality, feels like this might have been a case of "Talking about our nonstandard sexual practices, desires, and fantasies is so second nature to us Tumblr eccentrics that it's easy to forget that probably lots of people would have a squick reaction to seeing somebody talk enthusiastically on their publicly viewable psuedonymous blog about their plans to get deflowered in three months." Great demonstration of why I suspect one of the biggest tragedies of my life is I didn't find a community like Tumblr eccentrics when I was in my 20s cause I'd probably be much less socially, romantically, and sexually stunted now if I had, I guess.

I ended up staying after the party for a while with the birthday girl and her partner and one other guest, this was kind of the most fun part of the event for me; two out of three of the people I was talking to I already knew and the third person gave a vibe of being relatively close to my wavelength so I was more relaxed. I helped with the dishes a little. This did mean I didn't leave until around 8 PM (I arrived at about 2:30) and didn't get home until around 10:20... and that threw off my circadian rhythm and also I didn't realize it was the night of the daylight savings time clock shift, so I ended up not going to bed until around 5 AM last night and getting less than 4 hours of sleep, ugh.

Basically, mixed bag, but it was nice to see my friends and the parts of the experience I'm ambivalent about or didn't like weren't their fault.

If the birthday girl or her partner read this, I'll use this post to say again that I wish her a successful 33rd year, and to say I hope she had a happy birthday!

33 seems maybe old enough that calling her "girl" seems a bit insufficiently respectful of her maturity, but "birthday woman" is sufficiently non-standard its meaning might be non-obvious (plus, if you'd asked me if I was OK with being a called a boy at 33, I'd have said yes, but then I basically wanted to cling to "boy" as long as socially feasible for reasons related to this).

[dragon-at-dawn]

hi there ! im part of a system and have been wondering about therian things for a while now. specifically how that would apply to systems. we're questioning being a tiger therian right now because things are a bit confusing for us, we have one alter that's basically a tiger (demon, but anatomy is mostly tiger), like maybe 10 alters who have had species dysphoria stuff from time to time when they're in front (human bodies in system, but feel like tiger), and some who just don't get species dysphoria at all. we don't know much about therian stuff and the few therians we've asked on various sites haven't given us much to go off of so honestly i don't know if we can consider our system a therian, or if only some of us are therians, or what. sorry if this is a tough question but you seem super cool and very knowledgeable about this kind of stuff so i thought maybe you could help.

- argos, clover patch system

hello!! it's wonderful to meet you, and thank you for the kind words. i will preface my response by saying that while i do not consider myself plural, i will do my best to answer your question as it relates to me and my identity, and also my understanding of how plurality can relate to being nonhuman. perhaps there are systems who can chime in to assist and explain better than i can. when i began questioning my nonhumanity i did not necessarily have the words to describe how i was feeling - i could only go off of of what i was experiencing and how uncomfortable i was in my own body. for me, it took time. those feelings never went away, the dysphoria persisted, and it really was not until i was a bit older that i even found the right terminology. these persistent feelings and experiences solidified my identity as nonhuman (especially once i realized that the internet had quite a lot of information on the topic) and i continued to explore that part of myself well into adulthood. that is not to say that everybody's experience (including yours) is going to be the same. in regards to my understanding of plurality, i believe that it depends on the system how you may experience therianthropy. there are some systems where only one - or multiple - headmates are therian. there are also systems who collectively experience shifts or dysphoria as a whole and not individual headmates. or, systems with only certain members who consider themselves therians. from my understanding of what you have told me, it sounds like the dysphoria persists and sort of 'bleeds' over with some of the other members and perhaps is a strong collective experience from your tiger alter. would the other members of your system who have these feelings consider themselves nonhuman, or does only your tiger alter? labels exist simply to give us words to express how we feel - if you and other headmates do not consider yourself nonhuman but your tiger alter (and perhaps those who experience the dysphoria you are describing) do, it sounds like they might find comfort in therianthropy and perhaps would be willing to further explore how that manifests in themselves. i think that at the crux of understanding what therianthropy means to you and your system, whether it be your experience or an alter's, is (and always will be) an intensely personal experience. there is no one way to experience a life journey and nobody else (besides you and your system) is going to be able to see through the same lens you do - this is especially true with nonhumanity and why there are so many different interpretations and writings about it. i did not want to leave you without at least one resource - i think that @houseofchimeras does a wonderful job on both tumblr and with their website talking about their experience being both a plural system and a therianthrope. you will find a lot of resources there if you are not following them already, and find likeminded community. i do hope that i was helpful, and please remember to be kind to yourselves. i have only positive thoughts for your journey, and wish you and your alters all the best.

[suspiciouscatastrophe]

This is a vent post. A goo made out of pure hatred. It contains ableism, transphobia, deriving one's worth from capitalism, and all that from myself aimed at myself. I do not hold views that would make me extend this attitude beyond myself. If you do read it, and find that we have a thing in common, know that I do not think you are a piece of shit or a waste of breath or whatever else I am implying. These traits are horrible only on myself, on others they are either completely neutral (such as my mental and physical issues, or my lowered ability to work) or purely nonexistent (such as the transphobic bullshit that my brain spews at me).

That being said.

I am the most useless waste of breath ever:

- I do not work, I only siphon money away.

- In our country, college is free for the amount of years it takes to complete a given program + 1. Due to being both stupid and lazy, I am taking 8 years to complete a 3 year program, putting a price tag on every day of my life.

- Due to the combination of my mental issues, I cannot consume a lot of different food categories (texture issues and intrusive thought trigger, physically unable to eat, gagging), making me mostly rely on several foods over and over and easy garbage with little to no texture or taste variety.

- Plus! A lot of what I can eat causes me digestive issues and aches. Almost as if "mother nature" didn't really intend for a mistake such as me to be alive.

- I am unable to prepare my own food, I get overcome by panic, unsanitary and violent intrusive thoughts upon trying. Sometimes getting something out of the packaging is too much, which made me cut down on buying food even more. My mother and my best friend are willing to feed me, but that comes with me knowing deep down that it makes me an overgrown child and a burden to everyone. Plus, if you cannot feed yourself (as an adult), you can never expect to be getting food every time you're hungry, because the people you've abused into serving you have their own lives, plus you have enough shame not to ask too much. (that doesn't apply if they're your caregiver, of course, but that's not my case)

- I have been described as unreliable, untrustworthy, oversensitive, entitled, prone to weaponizing my incompetence, manipulative, prone to using my mental state to harm others, moody, uncouth, ungrateful, thoughtless, wallowing in self-pity, attention-seeking (which must be why I am posting this), pushy and overbearing by parents, teachers and former friends alike.

- I have problems staying awake when focusing, despite regular 8-9 hours of sleep a day, but *interestingly* only during duties, such as attending classes, studying and working on my writing projects. In 90% of cases, soon after initiating a high-focus activity, my eyes will start to close against my will, and I, trying my hardest to stay awake, find myself stuck in a state of rapidly blinking in and out of consciousness, as the reality mixes up with vivid dreams that I am no longer able to accurately differentiate. I think it's really cool of my brain to be so coddled to rather shut down than to be bored.

- There is something wrong with almost all the systems in my body and I am, once again, a drain of medical resources.

- I am too underweight and probably too sickly to be able to donate blood and plasma, so I'm not even fit for that use.

- I am not very much to look at, either. I have several skeletal deformities, and an average face full of bleeding scabs, as I have acne and a lot of skin-picking issues, and I cannot seem to get myself to stop scratching my skin open since I have the restraint of an animal.

– I am roughly half a year into my transition (FTM) and I aggressively do not pass. I'm doing everything I can. I dress fully in men's clothing, I have short hair, I bind, I pack, I voice-train, I work out (only lightly, I'm not that kind of guy), I'm trying my hardest to sit without my legs crossed, I'm out to everybody who knows me, and I refer to myself fully in masculine grammatical gender in public (the local language is heavily gendered). Yet I haven't yet had a stranger gender me correctly, and there are people in my life who keep going out of their way to misgender me. Transition and presenting masculine in general makes me happy, but I don't deserve it, because clearly I'm not putting enough effort in. I'm trying my hardest to go on T, but I keep facing more and more medical obstacles, as if the doctors saw right through me and understood that I am just an entitled, shitty, whiny brat of a little girl that just wants more attention or something.

- I do not have a car and I am terrified to drive, making me unable to help people around me get places. It's also making me nearly unemployable.

- English is not my first language (as probably evident) but despite having been learning for 17 years now, I haven't been able to become a proficient speaker, leading me to believe it will probably never happen for me. Despite communicating with my friends exclusively in English, consuming media in English and using the language for my studies and for speaking to teachers, my grammar leaves much to be desired, and my pronunciation makes my peers - also second language learners - laugh out loud when I speak out.

- And even if I do master English one day, it is still a very ordinary and useless skill to have, given that most people my generation speak it and therefore it does not provide many employment opportunities. As a linguistics student, I have to either get a technical, non-language specialization to be able to translate expert industry-related or scientific materials, or learn to code and understand statistics to work in data analysis, or learn a lot more languages (plus improve my translation skills, ofc) to find work.

– One of my best traits used to be my ability to write, however lately I haven't written anything new, and the more I re-read my old works, the more mistakes I see in them and the more they sound not as good as they should be.

By this point, I am kept alive by the fact that I have people who rely on me being there for them and I cannot let them down. I am sharing my gripes with myself mainly out of the self-destructive urge to have it confirmed that I am not losing my mind and that I am a disgusting mistake. Roast me with all your might, besties. It's anonymous.