#and as such my subconscious or unwanted/intrusive thoughts are also so powerful

[restinthewest]

It’s been said before and I feel like its tough to talk about this without sounding like a cliche motivational speaker or a cult leader but my inner (conscious) voice can actually be so powerful. Acknowledging it and continuing to work to leverage it within the past few years has been one of the best things I've done for myself. It can't fix everything and I still frequently get stuck in toxic or unhelpful thought patterns or behaviors, but drawing upon even small successes which have been in large part a product of intentional self talk and my dogged resilience give me so much hope that though I may not succeed at fixing some issues now that one day I will be able to.

[noyasaur]

i literally got so close to shifting but ended up visualizing scary things 😭😭 do you have any advice on how i could possibly NOT do that next time?

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helloooo anon! firstly, YAYY thats super cool to hear that you got close!! but yes, of course i have some advice for you and hopefully it'll help a little :) these are just some things that have worked for me personally in my experience as i used to deal with a lot of intrusive thoughts in the past when attempting to shift.

one of the first things to remember is that these scary and intrusive images and thoughts only have power IF you give them power. you can let an intrusive thought or scary image float by, if you understand that they have no power and it will no affect you at all.

however, when speaking of avoiding visualising scary images at all, one of the things i like to do is meditate. when i find that i have had a particularly bad day or i feel like i'm going to end up visualising some scary stuff on accident, i find that meditating beforehand helps to calm my mind and flush out any unwanted thoughts. it's okay to have thoughts during meditation too, and i become an observer of my thoughts. i let the thought pass by and disintegrate.

you can try meditating for however long you like; some people set timers and have a set duration they meditate for, but personally i usually just like to try and meditate for as long as i can. i find that meditation helps me clear my mind and increase my focus, so when i do a shifting method, i end up just purely focusing and immersed in my method. or i also find that since i've cleared up my mind during my meditation, i don't have to worry about having any unwanted thoughts because i've already thought them (if that makes sense).

in other words, try meditating or some other means of flushing our your unwanted thoughts. let yourself do some sort of activity to push out any negative thoughts to lessen the chance of you visualising any scary images and to just stay focused on your method. for example, you could read before bed, do a skincare routine, avoid screen-time or even journal. just some sort of relaxing activity to help you enter a more positive mindset (of course, you don't need to have a positive mindset to shift, but it does help).

additionally, before attempting to shift, try consuming some content related to your dr, or think of things that remind you of your dr. that way when you're shifting, your mind will stay focused on your dr. you won't have room to accidentally visualise unwanted things.

for further reassurance, as long as you give these scary images no thought or power, and trust in yourself and your intentions, these images won't affect your ability to shift or the reality you want to shift to :) your subconscious mind has your best interest at heart and knows what you want and where you want to go. and they're most likely intrusive thoughts to, which are not thoughts of your own. so make sure to have trust in yourself and your intentions.

you could even try morphing these scary images into something funny! you have the power here- not your intrusive thoughts. take charge and transform the unwanted into something ideal. for example, if you accidentally visualise a scary monster, visualise yourself kicking or swiping it away, or even filling your visualisation with light that fills up your entire vision, disintegrating the monster away. you have the power here. and if it does end up freaking you out, it doesn't hurt to affirm to yourself: "this has no power over me. i am in control. i trust my intentions. i know where i want to go. this has no power to affect me."

and also, don't go into your methods with putting too much emphasis on trying to avoid visualising scary images as a whole! i find that when i tell myself "okay, im going to try and NOT do this thing," i end up doing it anyway. for example, whenever i try to shift and tell myself, "okay, i'm going to fall asleep now and wake up in my dr," i find it difficult to fall asleep. i know it might be hard, but don't stress too much about it happening.

don't give those images any power, and if it does happen, stay strong. trust in yourself and your intentions!

but anyways, i hope this helps! good luck on your journey and besides your problem, it's super exciting to hear that you got close and i'm sure you WILL shift soon!

- saturn ♡

[yourrealitybeyondtime]

My OC Descriptions!

Thank you so much for your positive responses, @dasjansel @corvid-moon @teeny-weeny-ducklings @technoxslayer360 @incoherentmoose and @cake-and-roses ! Since you guys asked, I made overall descriptions of my OCs and a bit of a synopsis. Sorry it's so long! I hope you enjoy it and please provide feedback!

This is a story that takes the "chosen ones" and fantasy tropes and turns them on their heads. The main character never accepts his role. The guy doesn't get the girl. There's no prophecy or guide. The populace thinks they're monsters, not heros. Their powers are explained scientifically. They have to help themselves emotionally so they can help others physically. It's just a bunch of young adults with problems getting into shenanigans, figuring out life's lessons, and maybe saving the world.

Name: Adrian

Age: 18

Height: 5'8"

Gender Identity: Male

Pronouns: He/Him

Sexuality: Bisexual (Feminine leaning)

Race: Human

Ethnicity: German/Portugese

Neurodivergent: Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Active Power: Super strength

Passive Power: Truth (Ability to see through illusions, understands foreign languages, can tell when someone is lying, etc)

Activating Emotion: Courage

Associated Color: Yellow/Gold

Associated Element: Air/Wind

Description: This rich, all-American, high school boy has had a near perfect life growing up until a burglar breaks in his home. Thankfully, he stops the villain… by tackling him through an oak door! First hailed as a hero, his social life then gets thrown into disarray as this new found strength that seems to randomly come and go ends up earning him the reputation of a destructive menace. On top of that, he starts passing out and having "visions." Doctors say he's having seizures, but these visions feel more real than his life ever has, and it's always of the same place, a magic lab where he's the experiment! His visions keep getting worse until one day he fully wakes up in the lab and escapes, but now he can't go back home!

Adrian finds out he's stuck in the world of Mythos, the parallel Earth where all of our fantastical dreams come from, and he's not happy about it! And the locals don't seem happy about him either. Just wanting to get this over with and go home, Adrian faces more ugly reality in this fantasy world than he ever did in his privileged life in our world. With no guides or prophecies and regarded as a monster, Adrian has to figure out how to find others like himself to help him save the world and go back home.

Adrian is the self-proclaimed leader of the group. He's obnoxious, self-centered, and stubborn, and completely uninterested in helping unless it benefits him somehow. You are supposed to dislike him at first. He matures and becomes much more open-minded and accepting through the journey.

Initial Motivation: To get back home

Journey: Breaking out of your bubble is more important than staying in it, others suffer in a way different from you, you cannot speak for others, use privilege to help those that don't have privilege, attraction to anyone who shows femininity or doing female-assigned tasks/behaviors (being kind, showing emotions, being vulnerable) does not make you less of a man, the greatest strength is facing the truth

Name: Iola

Age: 20

Height: 6'2"

Gender Identity: Female

Pronouns: She/Her

Sexuality: Lesbian

Race: Human

Ethnicity: Afro-Columbian

Neurodivergent: Anxiety

Active Power: Shield

Passive Power: Acceleration/Regeneration (Subconsciously heals others, requires focus if needs boost in power, ie, if someone is bleeding out. Can cause things to grow, but also age. Cannot remove poisons/curses, cannot bring people back to life, conditional)

Activating Emotion: Care

Associated Color: Pink/Orange

Associated Element: Earth/Wood

Description: Iola's life had been pretty quiet since she and her dad started a farm out in the wilderness, until a strange boy pops up who brings a whole lot of unwanted attention. She stumbles upon her own powers as she defends her home, and then sets out to find others with Adrian.

Iola is the mom of the group, both the good parts and the bad. She is kind and caring and helpful and also stressed af and sometimes pokes her nose where she's not welcome. It's suggested at first that she may be the Adrian's love interest, but, surprise! She only likes girls. She seems to have lost someone precious to her, and it's not her mom.

Initial Motivation: Believes in following destiny

Journey: Self-sacrifice is not always necessary, mediation is more important than appeasement, give without expectation of return, worthy of just existing, important to take care of self in order to take care of others, rest is a type of work and just as important as being active

Name: Emlyn

Age: 21

Height: 6'0"

Gender Identity: Androgynous

Pronouns: He/Him

Sexuality: Pansexual

Race: Human

Ethnicity: Northern Irish

Neurodivergent: Complex PTSD, Depression

Active Power: Chemical Reaction (Interaction of two or more substances that results in different substances. Can only initiate reaction, cannot control the outcome. Usually uses fire as a weapon, but can use others. Can also stop reaction in process, but cannot reverse.)

Passive Power: Psychic (Ability to sense when others are nearby, can receive symbolic messages through dreams, not prophetic)

Activating Emotion: Passion

Associated Color: Deep blood red

Associated Element: Fire

Description: Emlyn finally seems to have found a home at the inn he works at when two strangers pop up with trouble following them. He unleashes his powers to defend them, but his loved ones reject him when his secret is exposed. With nowhere else to go, he tags along with Adrian and Iola, the only people who seem to accept him how he is. However, he harbors a terrible secret that he's hellbent on taking to the grave, and it creates a division between himself and the others.

Emlyn is very quiet and reclusive. He doesn't talk much, and seems to be insistent on covering as much skin as possible at all times. He's not the angry or brooding type, but surprisingly polite and soft spoken. And surprisingly strong. However, he seems like he'll do anything to avoid using his powers, and almost seems scared of them. Adrian bullies him frequently, threatened by the fact that he's attracted to Emlyn. Emlyn doesn't seem to care, but eventually lashes out, showing a very different, vicious side.

Initial Motivation: Redemption

Journey: The past is the past, use mistakes to learn and teach, secrets create unnecessary burden, it's okay to have darkness, do not let negative emotions rule over logical decisions, take both capabilities and lack of into account, sometimes you just can't do what you want even if others can, you are not damned

Name: Liesel

Age: 82

Height: 5'0"

Gender Identity: Genderfluid

Pronouns: She/Her, He/Him, They/Them

Sexuality: Abrosexual

Race: Fairy/Changeling

Ethnicity: Jewish

Neurodivergent: Autistic

Active Power: Freedom (Ability to unlock anything, create doors/portals with conditions)

Passive Power: Choice (Can tell what someone has decided before they act on it, very useful in combat; can see what future "paths" can be taken but cannot tell outcomes)

Activating Emotion: Hope

Associated Color: Sky blue

Associated Element: Water

Description: Liesel has had to protect her people for decades, so she's more than a bit reluctant to leave with some humans to go on some adventure. When she realizes that she needs to, she goes with them, but completely mistrusts them.

Where Iola and Emlyn are more passive, Liesel is even more aggressive than Adrian. She challenges everything Adrian knows and really gets him to start looking at things differently. They develop a weird rivalry dynamic and eventually soften up with each other.

Initial Motivation: Protect her people

Journey: Evil does not originate from the same place, no group of people are all the same, there's a difference between honesty and being cruel

Name: Uri

Age: ??? (They tell a different number every time they're asked)

Height: 5'4"

Gender Identity: Agender

Pronouns: They/Them

Sexuality: Asexual

Race: Dragon

Ethnicity: Nigerian

Neurodivergent: N/A

Active Power: Light Manipulation (Can be used to make self or others invisible, create illusions, blind someone, etc. Does not actually makes things disappear/materialize, just makes it look like it.)

Passive Power: Compulsion (Redirects electrical impulses between neurons. Makes people think certain things, somewhat like intrusive thoughts. The more impulsive someone is, the easier they are to manipulate. Often accidentally shares own thoughts with others. Usually uses for persuasion among foes and to pull pranks among friends. Cannot read minds.)

Activating Emotion: Elation

Associated Color: Emerald green

Associated Element: Metal

Other: Disabled/Born without wings

Description: Uri's just minding their own business, napping on top of their treasure trove when some adventurers break in. Those same adventurers open that weird lock contraption they've been trying to open for the last two centuries. Interesting. Rather than confronting the adventurers, Uri decides to join them in hopes of making sure their treasure doesn't get destroyed, to find some more, and to enjoy some chaos along the way.

Uri is confident, charasmatic, and devilishly handsome. They only care about their treasure, but slowly finds themself caring about the others.

Initial Motivation: To protect their treasure

Journey: Self-preservation includes helping others, happiness is worth going the long way for, people have different paths to the same goal and that's okay

Name: Oriana

Age: 19

Height: 5'6"

Gender Identity: Demigirl

Pronouns: She/Her

Sexuality: Pansexual

Race: Human?

Ethnicity: Cherokee

Neurodivergent: ADHD

Active Power: Sonic/Song

Passive Power: Empath (Ability to sense motives, can literally share emotions when making physical contact, can transfer powers between people)

Activating Emotion: Love (Both romantic and platonic)

Associated Color: White/Purple

Associated Element: Spirit/Aether

Other: Intersex

Description: Oriana has been waiting at the edge of the Ancient Forest for a long time. She doesn't remember why, but she knows she needs to guide five adventurers through the massive forest that covers half the world. For some reason, she's the only one who can survive traversing it.

Oriana is sweet and kind and too naive for her own good, having never been exposed to civilization or other people before. She seems to have a mind of a child, but has the wisdom and understanding of someone who has been alive for a very long time. Emlyn develops a crush on her due to her friendly and accepting nature and eventually confides in her. Their past is far more intertwined than either of them remember, and is the answer to why this is all happening.

Initial Motivation: Because she was asked to

Journey: Evil lives in everyone, purity is non-existent, be kind to those who "don't deserve it" without allowing self to be walked on, different facets of love

[mental-health-advice]

I keep getting these really nasty impulses when I get an intrusive thought and sometimes I can't work out if it's just an impulse or if I actually want the thing in the thought. I mainly get sexual thoughts and lately they're about my niece. I just had a thought about doing something awful to her and got an impulse and felt like I really wanted it. Then immediately freaked out, started testing myself to see if I did want it, realised can't think clearly whistle anxious so calmed down so I could-

-think about it. now thinking about it I know that I do not want to so that, but when I properly like deeply think about it to test myself I still get that feeling and I'm scared. I'm scared subconsciously I do want iti know I would never do anything to hurt my niece. I feel like maybe I've accidentally opened a gate to wanting these things by constantly testing myself for attraction. When I just had this thought and feeling I freaked out, almost had a launch attack and my heart was racing and-

I cried, so that means I don't want it right? If I did then I wouldnt get anxious about it, would I? I wouldn't cry and almost have a panic attack would I?

Hi there,

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re struggling so much rightnow, and I can only imagine how hard this must be for you! I’m proud of you forreaching out to us because I’m sure that was difficult for you to do.

Intrusive thoughts are just that – intrusive – which meansthat they enter you mind without being provoked. They are unwanted and pop upout of nowhere. They are also distressing because the contents of the thoughtsare often complete opposites of how the person would typically behave or think.A lot of people with intrusive thoughts will “test” to see if the thoughts aretrue or if it’s a behavior they would actually like to engage in.

All of this is to say that you’re not abnormal for having thesethoughts and your reactions to the thoughts are totally common. You’reabsolutely right when you say that crying, being anxious, and having panicattacks means that you don’t want to have these thoughts or hurt your niece. Insituations like this, it’s important to remember that actions are moreimportant than thoughts. This would be a completely different story if you didhurt your niece, but you haven’t and you know that you never would, which is what’simportant here. You wouldn’t feel this horrible about the thoughts if youwanted to act on them, meaning you definitely don’t want to act on them. You’reso much more than these thoughts and you don’t deserve to beat yourself up overthoughts that you would never act on.

Have you ever considered talking to a professional aboutthis? I know that talking about this kind of issue may be difficult, but youdon’t deserve to go through this alone and there is help available for you.Intrusive thoughts are absolutely manageable and treatable, which means youlikely won’t have to deal with this forever or, at the very least, you can findways to effectively cope with the thoughts. We have a page about getting helpif you’d like some information on how to go about seeking help.

Although this isn’t meant to replace getting help, I do havesome information for you that may help you deal with this. First, it’s importantto know that trying to ignore the thoughts or try to push them away.Unfortunately, attempting to ignore the thoughts typically just makes themlouder and even harder to deal with. So, instead of trying to ignore them,usually it’s more effective to just accept them but try not to give them anypower over you. Second, there is a four-step program that can be used to manageintrusive thoughts. (Note that the link says it’s used to treatobsessive-compulsive disorder, but this is not me trying to diagnose you – I’mnot a professional in any way!) I would recommend reading through the foursteps and see if they are helpful for you.

Because you mentioned having panic or anxiety attacks, I alsowant to give you some information on how to cope with those as well (although thesearen’t meant to replace professional help either). Distractions can help youget your mind off of whatever is making you anxious, such as if you startgetting anxious after thinking about how your intrusive thoughts may be true. Distractionscan include things like deep breathing, reading, going on a walk, calling afriend, or really just anything that can get your mind redirected. You can findmore suggestions for distractions here. Similarly, grounding techniques are coping mechanismsthat can help you stay in the present and direct your thoughts elsewhere. Acommon grounding technique is sort of a game you can play where you come upwith a category (i.e., “green vegetables”) and then try to think of as many thingsas possible that fit into that category (i.e., lettuce, celery, green beans,peas, etc.). This helps redirect your thoughts too and keep you in the present.We have more suggestions for grounding techniques here. We also have anotherpage with a lot more suggestions for coping with anxiety and panic, which youcan find here.

I know that this is probably a lot of information to takein, but I just want you to know that there is ways to cope with these thoughtsand that you are not a bad person for having them! As I said before, you haveno control over when these thoughts come up or the content of the thoughts. Ifyou had control over them, I know for a fact that you would have stopped them,which just shows that they are not at all your fault. You truly are not a badperson for having these thoughts because you know that you aren’t going to actuallyhurt anyone. You are disgusted by the thoughts and that’s all that matters.

Take care of yourself and please let us know if you need anything!

-Samantha

[atlasuncomfy]

Straying the Beaten Path Ch. 01

Rating: Teen+

Chapter Warnings: Mild, infrequent language

Fandom: Hetalia Axis Powers

Summary: For almost fifteen hundred years, Romano Vargas has tried time and time again to prove to the world, and himself, that his existence was not a fluke. And, time and time again, it became increasingly clear that perhaps that is exactly all he is: a product of luck. So, when he gets a call from Germany that the Allies are after Feli, he decides to-once and for all-seize his fate.

He would never admit this aloud, not even if you held him at gunpoint and demanded he do so. But among the many things he missed dearly about living with Spain, the one Romano Vargas longed for the most would be the quiet of the Spanish countryside. Now more than ever, not for the first time, with the drum of machine gun rounds and the moan of fighter planes overhead filling his ears—as well as his trauma-laced nightmares—he wished he could return to the days of his childhood and continue to live in total, uninterrupted silence. Things were simpler then: wake up to the sun warming his chubby face, eat chocolate con churros for breakfast, work in the tomato fields, and so on. (And, when Spain taught him about siestas, a few of those were thrown into the mix, as well.) He learned to value the easy-going lifestyle of the Spanish and doing things at one's own pace.

Thus, the ringing of his phone on this, or any, morning was entirely unwelcome.

Romano groaned, clearly annoyed by the unwanted sound invading an otherwise peaceful slumber. For a moment, confusion reigned as the temptation to slip back into sleep gently coaxed him along. His bleary vision faded in and out of darkness, yet the incessant ringing danced at the edge of his subconscious, only just keeping him away from tantalizing sleep. In a feeble attempt to ignore such noisy intrusion-and so early in the morning! -he pulled the covers over his head. It didn't take long, however, for him to realize this was one war he would not win (and he knew quite a bit about those sorts of losses). Ever reluctantly, Romano Vargas rolled out of bed and began the dreaded quest for silence, dutifully uttering curses along the way. Oh, how sleep loved to tease him, and oh how the caller would pay dearly for interrupting their ritual time alone.

The source of the sound—a clearly aging rotary phone whose darkened hues of gold still reflected every bit of the shine and brilliance of the man who gifted it to him—sat seemingly innocent atop his deep mahogany desk. Strewn about it were various war-laden documents, stressfully scribbled notes, and of course: his beloved photo of a family from long ago. A family that would never again be. He gave pause, regarding the tattered still of memory as he did many a time before, before shaking himself. Clearly, someone needed his attention; these days no one bothered to call unless someone wanted something from him, anyway.

For a moment, Romano considered the other body he shared the meager bedroom with: Feliciano. A glance backward, and he fondly noted his younger brother's sleeping form curled up and burrowed in an impressive mountain of covers. The sound of soft snoring and steady breathing made its way into his ears; all was still calm. He debated taking the call here, as sudden conversation posed a risk to waking the resting man. Although, he knew with absolute certainty that the harsh ringing would eventually wake even Feliciano Vargas, a god among even the heaviest of sleepers. On a whim, Romano's fingers wrapped around the device's familiar neck, and with the choice made he allowed his own croaky voice to join the morning's sounds. "Pronto," he muttered, warily eyeing any sign of stirring from his brother. "What do you want so early in the goddamn morning?"

"That's certainly no way to greet your commanding officer, Herr Vargas," came the sharp reply, coated with an unmistakable, gruff German accent. "Especially after trying my patience and making me wait so long. You would do well to remember holding your tongue, lest you find yourself losing it—do I make myself clear?"

Despite contrary belief, Romano was no fool. He knew full well what Ludwig and his superiors were capable of should he mouth off a step too far from usual. Such came the horrors of war and being forced to align with such monstrosity. Unfortunately for his German associate, who he knew for a fact was chasing after Feliciano, Romano also was no coward. "My apologies, commandante," he allowed, sarcasm lazily dripping from his tongue, though with notably less malice than before. "To what, then, do I owe the pleasure of this phone at such a delightful time of day?" It wasn't lost on the Southern Italian just how important this conversation was. Communication between national bodies during times of war was exceedingly rare, especially unencrypted. There simply was no need; anything of importance that needed to be said could be passed along via their respective leaders.

Unless, of course, it was an emergency. So, if Ludwig was calling him now…

"Forget it; it doesn't matter. Time is of the essence."

"Well then, with all due respect, just spit it out already—"

"British forces have begun invading Sicily, you fool!" There was a beat of stunned silence—then two, then three—and the snapped response all but hung densely in the air, threatening to suffocate them both. Before a word of apology could even begin to form on Romano's tongue, however, Ludwig continued. "Italy informed me some time ago that his Southern half would be staying with him for a few weeks—are you still there?"

Despite the dire situation at hand, Romano couldn't help but bristle at being referred to as a southern half, effectively demonstrating the lack of autonomy he seemed to have over his own person. I'm a personification, he thought bitterly, a pawn in a game. The least you could do it acknowledge the one moving the piece, potato bastard. "Yes," he murmured nonetheless, barely able to register the question with all the deafening thoughts racing through his mind. "Yes, I'm still in Florence, with Feliciano. What do you want me to do, commandante?"

"Protect Feliciano with your life. Flee Italy as soon as possible."

"Scusa?"

"Do not argue with me, Vargas," came the sharp reply. "There is no time for it."

Any ounce of subordinate fear Romano had abandoned him in favour of protective instinct. "Make time, then! I can't just tell my brother we're leaving without a good explanation, testa di cazzo!"

"Du hältst jetzt die Klappe! You are a macroregion: a subdivision defined only by traditional politics, globalization, and leading a legacy only comprised of tasteless Americanized film caricatures. Whether or not you are taken by the Allies holds little bearing, save wartime formality, as you hold virtually no worth in terms of political bargaining."

"But Feli does."

"Exactly. Mussolini will be forced to bend at Allied will, as he would need to quickly regain Italy by any means possible—including surrender."

Romano sighed, casting an accusatory glare toward the heavens. For all our country's legacy of dutiful worship, he thought, you really enjoy shitting in my dinner, eh? His earlier fatigue returned to his bones tenfold, this time joined by a faint migraine and an ache marching down his spine. "Message received, commandante. I mean nothing; Italy means everything."

"Indeed. I'm glad you finally seem to understand the severity of the situation." Upon only receiving a half-hearted hum in affirmative, Ludwig continued. "Even if it costs you your life, you must not allow Italy to fall into enemy hands. He is far too valuable to our cause, to his country…" To the heart of Germany himself, although both men knew better than to voice it. "Once Southern Italy has fallen, it will only be a matter of time before they begin heading North. Fortunately, you will have a four-day head start to find somewhere safe for him until the Allied forces are driven out."

If they can be driven out, with the way this hopeless war is going. "Capisco, commandante. We'll leave tonight at dusk. Was there anything else…?"

A pause. "Would it be possible—I only wish to speak privately with Feliciano. It may be some time before I can talk to him again. If this is to be the end of our communication, I want it to be on good terms."

It took everything Romano had not to scoff at that. Even in the depths of cruelty and madness, it seemed only his dear young brother could surface any microscopic amount of humanity Ludwig had left. And, of course, his gut instinct was to end the call right then and there. But he knew how it would break Feliciano if something were to happen and he couldn't properly say goodbye. With Nonnuccio and Holy Rome gone—well, the younger man wouldn't be able to handle the heartbreak a third time. "Let me go wake him," he ceded, feeling every bit like some faceless courier sent between Romeo and Julian. Then again, what else was new? Setting the phone to the side, without bothering to wait for a response from the German, Romano stilled, trying to relish the few seconds of quiet he had left before the weeks of uncertainty ahead.

"Lovi?"

Startled, Romano whirled around; it seemed despite his best efforts, his little brother finally awoke. "Damn it, Veneziano, don't you know not to scare me like that? We're at fucking war, for Christ's sake."

Feliciano, in his infinite sainthood and for all the hostility thrown toward him, only smiled. "Well, good morning to you to! I'm glad to see you up so early with so much energy, fratellone!"

Ignoring the playful ribbing, Romano handed his younger brother the telephone's neck. "Make it quick. We've got somewhere to be soon, so come find me whenever you lovebirds are done." He didn't wait around for a response, hastily moving to dress himself and begin packing. On his way out of the small bedroom, he could hear Feliciano's soft murmuring, no doubt using what little time the duo had left together to tell the German everything and anything. They both knew that this war was coming to an end—a bad one. The Allies made very clear that they were not interested anymore in negotiations or mercy of any kind, especially now that American was eagerly joining in. For all the two of them knew, this could be the last time they ever spoke to each other.

As he closed the door, there was a twisted part of Romano that rejoiced at the thought of his Northern half finally getting to experience a taste of his entire lost childhood. You can't have everything, Vene, he thought. The journey ahead would prove to be tense, indeed.

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[theshadowofme]

The Sound of Music

Good morning from day 2985 of quarantine. The joys of having travelled and no way to test to get out of the mandatory 14 day stay at home order. Luckily I will be done tomorrow. In the meantime, home I stay and contemplate my navel. But hey, the adventure was worth it. Today I want to talk about music and why I place songs at the end of my posts.

A playwrite once wrote, “Music has charms to soothe a savage breast.” This is a quote from the play, The Mourning Bride, by William Congreve. It is often misquoted as “Music tames the savage beast.” While I have never watched or read the play, it is an often quoted line about the soothing effects of music. I think everyone knows the thereputic effects of going for a drive alone and cranking the music. Then having an absolute killer car concert for one. Trying to sing all the lines to Bohemien Rhapsody, or whatever your song of choice is.

For me, music helps block out the unwanted thoughts and images. It helps me stay focused on my task at hand and block out the intrusions of the outside world. When I’m working in the shop, I have my music going through Bluetooth hearing protectors. When I’m riding, I have speakers in the helmet with the tunes going, just have to be careful as Metallica or other heavy metal may make the the throttle hand twitch a little. Throttle creep is a bad thing on a bike. If I’m in the kitchen baking or cooking, the music is going. It is a great way to distract from life.

Songs also act as a memory queue for me. Some remind me of the good times, some of major events, and some of concerts that I attended in the past. I once heard someone say, “Some days I listen for the beat, some days I listen for the lyrics.” A lot of the songs I listen to and the ones that I post are ones were I relate to some or all of the lyrics. Take for example “A Little Bit Off” by Five Finger Death Punch that I posted a few back. I can relate to that song most days, as I am sure can some of my friends. Another one that has deep meaning for me is “Drink a Beer” by Luke Bryan. I first heard this song as I was driving down to Merritt after my Grandpa died. The song is about sitting on a dock and drinking a beer in memory of someone that passed. This immediately took me back to all the summers sitting on the dock at Deer Lake. Now I wasn’t old enough to drink, but it was still a good memory.

Along with the music, sometimes the music video changes the entire context of what a song means. I point to two examples of this. One I have posted, “Someone I Use to Know”, by the Zac Brown Band. The song itself seems like it is talking about losing a friend after they changed, and they could see the changes happening. It isn’t until you watch the video that you realize that the person the singer is talking about is themselves. That the person that they use to know was them in the past, and that no matter how hard you run and try, finding that person from the past is hard. Another song that I find that the video changes the entire context is “Fire Away” by Chris Stapleton. I think this is the big one for me where I really started relating to music as an outlet. When you listen to the song, it seems that it is about a person being bullied and saying that they can take it. When you watch the video, it completely changes the context as the song is actually about mental health. I’m not going to post the video, but if you choose to go and find it, please be careful as it is very powerful and graphic, so capital letters, TRIGGER WARNING.

When I was at in-patient treatment at Ravensview, one of the things that we would do on break is sit around in the tv room and play different music through YouTube. It was a way to expand everyone’s music taste and expose each other to different music. It definitely expanded mine. That is where I started listening to Five Finger Death Punch, which is so far beyond my normal realm of music. I enjoyed this, and since adding music to the bottom of the blog, I have had several people say that they have added songs to their playlists because of me listing them on here.

Overall, I think that music has a very important part to play in our lives. It can help us heal, express ourselves, understand what we are going through, or even just distract ourselves for a moment from the endless negative thoughts. It also helps interrupt the continuous playback loop of flashbacks and horrible images that we have stored in our subconscious. So go blare that music and have that car concert. Close the curtains and dance like no one is watching. Life is better with a soundtrack.

My close for today was going to be a choice between two songs, but I decided that only one had the most appropriate title for todays purposes. That song has to be “Songs About Me” by Mr. Trace Atkins.

[forbessierra95]

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[rachelthompsonauthor]

Is it possible to balance PTSD and real life? It is, if you realize you have it, know what to look for, and get the help you need.

It wasn’t until a few years ago that I realized, after dealing with migraines for over twenty years, they could somehow be related to the childhood sexual abuse (CSA) I experienced when I was eleven. No neurologist had ever asked about my past. Why would I think there would be a connection?

I started therapy in my mid-thirties for postpartum depression – my shrink was great. He helped me deal with the here and now of anxiety and depression. Triage, if you will. We eventually delved into my past and he diagnosed me as having PTSD from the CSA. (I wrote a post all about migraines and treatment here if you’d like to start with that post. That’s not what this post is about.)

You have to understand – I had no concept whatsoever why I hated crowds and noise, why going to Disneyland with my husband (at the time) and kids made me cry and tremble (it’s supposed to be the happiest place on earth, right?), or why slamming doors and drawers (my ex was a slammer) made me jump as if I were in a horror movie.

I pushed myself through these experiences for years, not realizing how much worse that made the hyper-vigilance. How would I know? While my shrink was helpful in many ways, we didn’t discuss a connection between PTSD and my current chronic pain.

Migraines have had such a huge effect on my life since my late-twenties — how can I not have known about this PTSD link? It’s mind-boggling. 

Fast forward another ten years or so: I’ve written and released Broken Pieces (in 2013), moved to a new city, separated from my now ex-husband, and started seeing a new trauma-informed therapist who shows me all kinds of studies showing the link between PTSD and chronic pain. (Not every survivor of sexual trauma gets PTSD – typically, it’s anywhere from 30% to 50%; Source: Harvard School of Public Health).

Let’s talk more about PTSD, pain, and how to balance it all.

Defining PTSD

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is defined as a state of extreme anxiety and hypervigilance which begins after some type of traumatic experiences such as a rape, military combat, or natural disaster. 

The symptoms of PTSD may include reliving the traumatic event over and over again, avoiding people or places that remind you of the trauma, or exhibiting symptoms of the flight or fight reaction. (Source: Very Well Mind.) (Freezing is also a natural response to trauma. To learn more about the three types of freezing, read this informative article from Jim Hopper, Ph.D. in Psychology Today.)

PTSD and Pain 

It’s well-known that people with PTSD are at higher risk of heart disease, immune disorders, eating disorders, addiction, and depression. But did you know that we’re at higher risk of pain issues (e.g., migraines, back pain, fibromyalgia) as well? Most survivors don’t. I didn’t. In fact, most physicians and other health-care practitioners don’t know (or at least don’t ask about it when taking a patient’s history).

My own experience was fairly unique, in that I was a Big Pharma rep – I called on dozens of neurologists as a rep who treated migraines. I saw several as a patient. One, in particular, was ‘the guy’ – well-known internationally as The Migraine Doctor. Not once did he ask about my past or PTSD. Just threw a triptan* at me and said ‘if it works, you have migraines. If it doesn’t, you don’t. And don’t smoke. You’ll stroke out and die.’ Yea, charming.

*Triptans are formally known as serotonin receptor agonists. Triptan drugs work like a brain chemical called serotonin. This helps quiet down overactive pain nerves. In other words, triptans reverse the changes in your brain that caused your migraine.

Point is: with all of the training (and I sold neurology and migraine meds), with all my interactions with internists, neuros, GPs, FPs, nurses, PAs, etc., not once did we discuss past trauma as a connection to pain. This is major gap.

Tip: Find a physician you’re comfortable with, and tell him/her about your sexual trauma. I’m very open about it now with all my healthcare practitioners. They are welcoming, and it often changes their treatment plan. 

Studies show that pain is one of the most common physical problems reported by people with PTSD. This finding holds true no matter what types of traumatic events they experienced—for example, a motor vehicle accident, physical assault, or combat injury. People with PTSD are also more likely to report pain-related disability.

In one study of volunteer firefighters with PTSD, approximately 50% were having pain (mainly back pain) compared with only about 20% of firefighters without PTSD.

In two other studies, from 20% to 30% of patients with PTSD had frequent and chronic pain symptoms.

You can also look at this situation in reverse: Many patients with chronic pain problems also have PTSD. In fact, from 10% to 50% of people getting treatment for chronic pain have PTSD as well. These rates of PTSD are higher than those found in the general population. (Source: VeryWellMind)

Why is this? Think about it. If you are tensed up due to hyper-vigilance, you may suffer from tension headaches which can lead to migraines *raises hand*. From this same article:

Some symptoms of PTSD may cause pain. For example, PTSD-related hyperarousal symptoms often cause tense muscle pain that can become chronic. More below on hyperarousal (and no, it’s not sexual, ya dirty creatures).

…and the light bulb goes on

Three Main Symptom ‘Groups’ of PTSD

PTSD is complicated. Though it can affect each person in many different ways, there are identifiable characteristics which are grouped in this way:

Re-experiencing: manifests as if we are reliving the event(s) through flashbacks, dreams/nightmares, or intrusive thoughts. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t experience some kind of flashback to when I abused as a child. The thoughts pop up out of nowhere during the course of my day.

Sometimes I expect them if I’m working on my books or poetry, or watching a movie or reading a book that has that kind of content. Most of the time, though, these flashbacks are unwanted visitors that come and go. 

Very rarely do these flashbacks trigger me, and my guess is I’ve become so used to them, I just go on about my day. Once in a while, though, I will be triggered out of nowhere. 

Tip: What triggers you may be different than what triggers me. Make note of past triggers and discuss with your therapist. Work through them IF you feel it’s okay. There is a vast difference between being upset and being triggered. Ignore social media’s definition. Trust your instincts. 

Avoidance: is exactly what you think it means – consciously or subconsciously changing your behavior to avoid scenarios associated with the event(s) or losing interest in activities you enjoy. It can also mean ignoring our health and mental health needs because that would mean acknowledging or talking about our experiences, which can be so shameful and debilitating for many survivors, they’d rather suffer in pain than seek help. 

Shame is powerful. So are you. Remember, you’ve done nothing wrong. If you’re in pain, get the help you deserve.

Hyperarousal: okay, buckle up for this one. Hyperarousal can take many forms. Here’s a list from Medical News Today: 

find it hard to go to sleep or stay asleep

feel irritable and quickly lose their temper

find it hard to concentrate

constantly feel on-guard (hypervigilance)

be more impulsive than usual

feel like their muscles are more tense than usual

feel pain more easily

feel their heart beating faster than usual

feel jumpy and be startled easily

breathe more quickly or less deeply than usual

have flashbacks about a traumatic event

Hyperarousal can cause trouble sleeping, anger, concentration issues, and impulsiveness (as well as what I referred to earlier: avoidance and re-experiencing). Therapy can take many forms here and is so incredibly helpful in teaching us ways to cope with these issues.

Dissociation

Not all survivors experience dissociation, which experts explain as the mind escaping the body until the assault is over. I experienced it. I didn’t know because I didn’t have the language for it. I simply watched myself from a tree while the abuse occurred each time, waiting for it to be over. After that, I dissociated frequently throughout my childhood and teen years, mostly in times of stress, until I could do so on demand.

I still can – quite the party trick.

For me to dissociate without being aware is rare, though it happened recently this past summer at a small, local art gallery where my daughter interned. Hot, crowded, loud — I completely checked out mentally, yet I had no idea. I grew quiet, my eyes were glazed and unblinking as I rushed from here to there.

My guy figured it out and hustled me out of there, but even he didn’t recognize what happened at first except that I acted strangely. I didn’t have any way to tell him it was happening because I didn’t know myself.

Tip: Talk to those closest to you about dissociation. Tell them what happens when you dissociate so they can look for clues in case you’re unable to identify when you’re in it. Let people help you. 

Triggers 

What does it mean to be “triggered?” In recent years, people on the internet casually (and oftentimes, callously) refer to being triggered, particularly in response to political conversations. Beyond that, survivors themselves often confuse triggers with stress. Stress is a normal part of our everyday lives and everyone experiences stress; triggers are specifically associated with anxiety.

From a mental health perspective, being “triggered” more narrowly refers to the experience of people with PTSD re-experiencing symptoms of a traumatic event (such as exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violation) after being exposed to a trigger that is a catalyst or reminder. (Source: VeryWellMind)

It can be hard to tell the difference for survivors if you’re constantly in a state of anxiety and worry, and feel as if everything is a trigger for you. This is why seeking mental health services is crucially important. Most of us are ill-equipped to know the difference.

I’m not a shrink, yet here are some handy tips I’ve learned to use when faced with situations you’re not sure how to handle:

Is what’s bothering you somehow linked to your past abuse in some way? Is it causing a flashback, avoidance, or hypervigilance (as mentioned above)? Then that’s likely a trigger.

Alternatively, if you find yourself angry at what somebody said, that’s a normal stress reaction and you are likely not triggered. You are a normal human having a normal emotional reaction to stress.

Tip: Whenever you feel stressed out, write down what it is specifically that’s bothering you. Is it a daily activity, someone’s voice, specific foods, the time of day? Journaling can be extremely helpful in determining what is a stressor and what is a trigger. 

There is a lot to manage when you have PTSD as a result of sexual trauma (or any kind of trauma). Don’t diagnose yourself. Get help. You deserve it. We all deserve it. We deserve love, compassion, and support.

And always remember: you did nothing wrong.

Read more about Rachel’s experiences in the award-winning book, Broken Pieces.

She goes into more detail about living with PTSD and realizing the effects of how being a survivor affected her life in

Broken Places, available now on Amazon.

The post How To Effectively Balance PTSD and Real Life appeared first on Rachel Thompson.

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