#and also that my new job which I started in sept is very accepting of me reading on the job

[moonheavens]

ao3 "wrapped" 2024

since I have a very extensive spreadsheet tracking every single fic I read, I thought it might be fun to share my reading stats for the year of 2024! my second full year of actively reading wolfstar fanfic, and boy, was it a year...

I've read some amazing fics this year, branched out in terms of tags, discovered new authors then devoured their backlogs, witnessed several beloved WIPs reach completion and started many new ones.

so... let's get into it!!! this is just for me, for fun, using my silly spreadsheet. just for info, these word counts exclude actively updating WIPs with a start date pre-2024, simply because I wasn't sure how to count how many actual chapters/words were published and read by me in 2024, lol)

TOTALS: total words (completed fics only): 5,212,530 total words (wips w/ start date in 2024): 667,175 total words combined: 5,879,705

~~~~

top 3 best months (completed only): 1. october (1,159,407 words) 2. november (864,528 words) 3. december (719,767 words)

top 3 longest fics: 1. The Cadence of Part-time Poets, by @motswolo (979,867 words) 2. When the Fire is Low, by B1ackCatChatsBack (223,114 words) 3. Hey, Sharpshooter, by @tortoisebore (199,872 words)

top 3 most read authors: 1. quietlemonhush x13 2. @eyra x10 3. @cancerravenclaw x7

~~~~

total words in 2023: 8,376,216 difference: -2,496,511

pretty insane stuff if you ask me but we move..... see y'all next year! <3

[bracefacefreak]

This is for @who-needs-words, who asked for a look at my timeline for Oliver Banks and Graham Folger. Sorry it’s a bit late, but I hope you enjoy it. 

Please note, this is absolutely based on my own hcs and while I have tried to fit it around the dates/events that we are given in tma canon, I have had to tweak and change things a little to make it all fit and make sense. Therefore none of this is canon, it’s just my own ideas and imagination and what made sense to me. So here goes.

Late 2000 - Oliver Banks and Graham Folger meet in Oxford and start dating. Oliver is working after having left his degree programme (he completed his first year in economics and was a high-achieving student, but left due to issues of racism in the department.) Graham has just started studying for a PhD.

Early 2001 - Graham first spots the web-table in a second-hand store in Oxford. He is intrigued but does not purchase it. He shows it to Oliver, who hates the table on sight, although he can’t explain why. 

Aug 2001 - Graham’s parents die in a car crash. (*MAG 3*)

Late 2001 - Graham suddenly leaves his PhD programme. Around this time he also goes back to purchase the web-table. 

Jan 2002 - Graham leaves Oxford and moves into his parent’s flat in London. The web-table goes into storage, while Graham hopes to research it and figure out how it can be restored. 

He and Oliver continue their relationship, meeting up on weekends and their days off. 

Mid 2002 - Graham begins to take night classes as an attempt to entertain himself and to try and meet new people, much to Oliver’s relief. 

2003 - Graham’s mood improves and he begins to feel better, although he sometimes feels like he is being followed. Oliver and him are going steady. 

Late 2004 - Graham persuades Oliver to consider going back to finish his undergraduate degree. Oliver applies to a number of universities, mostly in and around London. 

July 2005 - While getting the flat ready for Oliver’s arrival, Graham goes through the things he has in storage and comes across the web-table. He has it moved into the flat. 

Aug 2005 - Oliver moves in with Graham after being accepted to study economics at the LSE (*MAG 11 - I lived in London for almost a decade now*). He is granted permission to begin from the second year due to his previous study (*yeah I know it’s not the most believable, but the LSE do let you do this - I checked, and it’s the best way to get the dates to work properly.*) 

Sept 2005 - Oliver begins studying at the LSE. Graham is quickly becoming obsessed with researching and restoring the web-table, spending great amounts of time and money on it, which begins to put strain on his relationship with Oliver. 

Oct 2005 - Oliver and Graham argue about the web-table. Graham refuses to move it/get rid of it. 

Dec 2005 - Graham has his first close-encounter with the Not-Them and realises that something is coming for him. He becomes more and more paranoid. Oliver tries to help, but whatever he does only seems to make things worse. 

Early Jan 2006 - before Amy Patel gets concussed outside Graham’s flat - Oliver decides to move out to give Graham some space in the hopes it will save their relationship. It’s not long before Graham realises that not having another person around makes him more vulnerable, but he is also unwilling to ask Oliver back in case it puts him at risk. 

Late Jan 2006 - Amy Patel is attacked outside Graham’s flat (*MAG 3*) 

April 2006 - Graham is killed and replaced by the Not-Them (*MAG 3*)

Mid 2006 - Oliver moves back in with Not-Graham over the summer break, and is glad to see his boyfriend is no longer paranoid. Oliver completes an intern programme at Barclays. 

Late 2006 - Oliver and Not-Graham’s relationship is struggling. Oliver can’t place what it is exactly, but something just feels off. 

June 2007 - Oliver graduates and ends up with a job at Barclays in the City. (*MAG 11*)

Aug 2007 - (*MAG 3 post statement notes - I’m taking a bit of a liberty with ‘early 2007′ I know, but this just fits better*) Oliver and Not-Graham’s relationship breaks down completely and Oliver moves out of the apartment. His mental health begins to deteriorate. 

Early 2008 - Oliver has a dramatic and very public breakdown due to stress and is forced to leave his job. He can no longer afford the small flat he’s been renting on his own and so he ends up sofa-surfing. (*Again, in  MAG 11 he does say he barely made a year, but again it just didn’t fit quite well enough to match with the whole death-dreams for nearly 8 years - also this way he still sees the new year with the company which maybe could count??*)

He begins to have dreams that predict others deaths. 

Dec 2014 - Oliver has a dream where he sees his father. His father passes away 10 days later. (*MAG11*)

March 2015 - Oliver has a dream involving Gertrude Robinson and the Magnus Institute, two days later he goes to make a statement. (*MAG 11*)

[letsdiscoverkitty]

"Life" Update - May 2021

This is the last of the three updates I have to post at the moment. If anyone actually reads these, especially in one go, you really do deserve a medal and I have no idea what I have done to deserve your kindness and support but THANK YOU SO MUCH (to all of you who are here, you are all truly wonderful and amazing) Okay, let's get going....

I suppose the title is a bit, well, overkill. To say that anyone has been had any sort of "life" over the past year would be a huge misuse of the word. The global pandemic has, quite literally, turned life upside down for the vast majority of people and I know that lockdowns, especially in the UK, have meant that anything other than what was deemed "essential" has been off the cards, which has hit us all hard.

I personally found it quite difficult whilst I was in hospital as although on the one hand it was good to know that there wasn't much that you were missing out on whilst locked on a ward with 15 minutes fresh air (if you were lucky), it did make it hard to find/hold onto motivation at times. Coupled with the fear of how my dad's condition would progress, whether he would make it and what sort of home life I would be going back to; the world suddenly felt even noisier than it had before (which I didn't think was really possible). The situation seemed to further heighten my fears as well as add to them. I found my mind was swamped with so many questions and fears, to then be asked about my future/what I wanted to do with my life (that classic question) and what my motivations were to get better, was too much. I fell blank.

I had completely lost myself and any shed of hope that was left inside of me. I tried to put on a smile; paint a different picture to the outside world but inside I was dark. I was hollow. I was empty.

What was the point? You never know what is waiting around the corner; everything can turn upside down overnight. What kind of 'life' would there be going back to anyway? Would it be possible to go to University anymore or would there still be multiple restrictions in place? would that make the huge financial costs worth it? What sort of society will we be coming out of the pandemic anyway? Will we even come out of this? Will people ever go back to offices again? Will we be able to see friends soon or go out to places? What about travelling? Fun? LIFE?

I found depression swamped me more than ever after dad's accident. I was trying to hold myself together for mum but I was losing all hope of anything ever being 'the same' or 'okay' again. In the end, the only reason I accepted the admission was for mum - I wanted to be able to support her with dad in hospital and us not know what the future held; as much as I wished I could be there all the time, I knew in the state I was that I couldn't. Initially I was told the admission would be a short one, that I could then go back home to support my mum through the family trauma...but that 4 weeks soon turned into over 8 months, which I still can't believe.

Gosh, I am sorry, I seem to have got a little distracted. This was meant to be the POSITIVE update. So let's get to those bits...

NEWS ONE: I HAVE A JOB (starting in Sept)

So whilst in hospital my consultant kept trying to get me to think about what I wanted to do with my life (just the small questions you know *lol*) - in her eyes she thought it would be risky to go back to University to do neuroscience/a degree so intense, and that instead I should think about doing something more creative, taking small steps to get a part time job and then go from there - which, as much as I hated to admit, I agreed with. However after one particularly bad run-in with the nutritionist when she decided to tell me that she didn't think I could achieve a life beyond Anorexia (it must have been mid-way-ish through my admission) blah blah blah (I get that she could have been trying to motivate me but there is a way to go about it and then there are ways to really not go about it and she chose the latter). Anyway, I was rather angry/mad and ended up doing basically trying to prove everyone wrong and started doing some research into my different options...

Long story short: I ended up applying to a degree apprenticeship scheme in business management...I've never really considered something like this before, perhaps partially because at school they drilled into me that business was a "soft" subject as it would not be looked upon very highly for Oxbridge applications *rolls eyes*. Thankfully I did a lot of research into Degree Apprenticeships a few years ago so I knew where to look online. Anyway, back to this application. I ended up going through the process/tests, somehow managing to make it through the initial online stages, then just before I was discharged I was invited to a online interview!

I only had a few days to do the interview before it timed out so I actually ended up doing it In the end the day after I was discharged (not ideal) and I was convinced that I had messed it up as it was one of those ones where you get shown the question for around 30 seconds before being given 2 minutes to respond - i.e. stress.pressure.anxiety.stumbling over words. HORRENDOUS.

I somehow passed the interview and the reviews before being invited to an online assessment centre in Feb, which spanned a whole day and included multiple interviews (the first was a strengths based interview with 2 interviewers for just over an hour - yuck!!!) as well as a presentation which we were given 24hrs in advance to prepare for (we were given 4 'topics'/questions and had to answer all of them in a 15 minute window using aids if we chose to, again to 2 (different) interviewers before having a 45 minute further interview - double yuck!)

Dare I say that I actually enjoyed the preparation for the presentation and the interviews?! It was so nice to have a focus and something to be working on that I was actually really beginning to connect with/want/see myself doing. The interviews and presentation themselves? HORRIBLE but the process reignited something within me. After the assessment centre day we were told it could be 7-10 working days to hear back from them - waiting for anything like this is just the worst so I wasn't looking forward to it and tried not to get my hopes up as these schemes are ridiculously hard to get into... Well, I got the call the next day saying that they were so impressed and out of something like 14,000 applications, I was offered one of the spaces on the scheme!! - I honestly still can't believe it and imposter syndrome is v real -

I know at the beginning of this I sounded very blase about the whole thing but as I progressed through the process, as I read more about the scheme and the business and what it would entail, the more I began to get excited. The more I realised how interesting it was and what an amazing opportunity it would be for me.

Despite this, I was also at the time, finishing up yet another an application to University (for the millionth time, I swear I must be a pro at these personal statements by now) this time for psychology and behavioural studies. This was before I got the offer of the degree apprenticeship scheme, which I knew was a long shot with only a handful of places given for thousands of applicants, so I felt I had to keep my options open (Neuro is still an area of fascination to me but not so much with the INTENSE LEVEL of physiology and pharmacology that I was doing at Bristol. Yes bits of it were good and interesting but that degree was ridiculous and, again, I felt far more drawn towards the behavioural studies and psychology when researching into Universities). I ended up getting 3 offers, 1 interview for Cambridge and 1 rejection (ironically from Bristol, even with my recommendation/support being from my previous personal tutor at Bristol!) - so I suddenly had options. And then the offer from the degree apprenticeship came through and there were even more options to choose from.

It honestly felt so surreal (and still does).

In the end, after a lot of thinking and debating and researching and talking, I decided to withdraw my University application and I accepted the degree apprenticeship role. Overall it is such an incredible opportunity that I knew I couldn't turn down, whereas University will always be there. I am actually getting a little excited about it (as well as extremely nervous, but I must say that the company has made a really positive/good impression thus far, even as far as creating MH podcasts with a psychologist for us and offering things like zoom baking sessions!).

So what is this degree apprenticeship? In short, it is a 3 year course during which I will have a Monday to Friday job at the company (for which the office is actually commutable from home - it is about 1hrs drive, which is not the best but it does mean that I can stay at home for at least the first year and there is a train I could get if I was too tired to do the drive all the time. As much as staying at home is not my long term plan it might help with the transition back to work/education to have a bit of stability and the support). During the first 2 years at the company we do four separate 6 month rotations in different areas to get lots of experience (marketing, supply chain, sales etc) whilst in the final year you get to put in a preference for where you would like to work for the year long placement. During this, every 6 or 7 weeks, we have to spend a week at University (which is not in commutable distance at all so the the company pays for our accommodation, travel and food during this time). As far as I have been told, we also get time during the working week allocated to do Uni work as well as our standard 'desk' jobs. Oh and not to mention one of the biggest sellers for degree apprenticeships....the company is basically sponsoring you so pays ALL of your tuition fees PLUS a basic salary! This means that you come out, in this case, with a Chartered business management degree, 3 years of hands-on work experience, as well as you being pretty much guaranteed a job within the company AND no student debt!!! How incredible is that? PLUS one big perk of the job is that they allow dogs in the office - I mean how could I say no to that?!!!!

So yes, by some magical miracle I actually have a job lined up for September! It still doesn't feel real and I am yet to fully process it. They don't know how it will be affected by COVID but the company did continue the programme last year (unlike some that postponed) so fingers crossed all should be going ahead. I have 'met' the other 4(?) who are on the scheme at my office as well and they seem lovely (including one other person who is my age/slightly older - which was such a relief as I was worried about it being only people just out of college).

I realise that it is going to be tough, I do not underestimate that at all, but I couldn't let anorexia still yet ANOTHER life milestone and opportunity away from me. There was a lot of questioning as to whether I should take it or not; I went back and forth between many spreadsheets that I made but I think this opportunity far outweighs going back to University. I have tried that route twice already and had to leave because of everything/haven't really coped (I think in some ways, being at Uni there is TOO MUCH free time and it allowed my perfectionism to run riot as I always felt like I was 'behind' in one way or another?). And that is not to mention that if I was going back to University, I would need to spend another 3-4 years studying, I would leave with little work experience or job in mind at the age of 29/30 with a mountain of debt.... And as I said before, I can always go back to University if I want to in the future/re train if I decide to, but this opportunity with a global company, well, this will never ever come my way again.

So yes that is my BIG BIG news. But I also have one more bit of news....

I'm getting a kitten. Yes, A KITTEN!!!!! I have so much more to say on this but for now you will have to wait and see. Photos will come when SHE does (a couple of weeks now)!!!

[flameontheotherside]

Erik's Mom

🤔 Hmmm...Never really given her much thought recently until now. I've sent a couple emails to her (she responded) and spoke with her on one of the podcasts. I believe the 7/20/2017 episode. It was kind of weird because the "intuitive" with her didn't say a damn word to me or answer my question about my ex bf's cat. Eriks mom talked to me about it and she turned out to be wrong about the reason he wasn't using the litter box 😂. Completely wrong. Fiber? No lol he had kidney stones. Not sure why the intuitive fell completely silent but I have one theory.

I'm a little torn between being greatful and being judgemental about her. 1) I don't think it's cool to capitalize on his suicide but then 2) If she didn't have her YouTube account I probably wouldn't have met him. It was someone from the Facebook group that urged me to talk to him which long story short started this journey.

It was around the time I started this blog maybe 3 months after I met Erik and he told me I was his twin soul; I was a mix of a scared, excited and curious because I didn't know much about twin souls and for years has no interest. Of course I did my due diligence while talking to him in the beginning and practiced protection rituals...Still do!

I wrote a letter to Erik's Guardian Angels in 2007.

Coincidentally on his birthday Sept 21st. You can find the handwritten letter on the blog through the tags or on my table of contents. I asked that they would help him find me in any way necessary. Now me being intuitive I have been plagued with the anxiety of finding someone I didn't know but knew what he'd look like (roughly) and that he didn't live in the same state.

Frustrated in 2009 I asked a well-known psychic on a podcast show about him. He told me in so many words he would die. I didn't know when but my gut feelings was saying soon. Afterwards I was stunned and cried for hours begging it not be true. Then winter 2009 I just knew he was gone. My health spiralled out of control in grief I didn't understand. I started to feel him, a rose flew off my windowsill next to my bed and landed at my door, I got the sense when I was scared I was cuddling with someone taller than me, and he started to appear in my dreams. I always knew him by his curly blond\brown hair. I met with him often around bodies of water.

Around 2010 or 11 I became interested in channelings.

Bashar mostly. So I tried to get into spiritual stuff because of the paranormal things happening to me. To fend off my troublesome intuition I drank a lot and partied a lot. I didn't want to admit to myself that the psychic was right and this guy I was starting to fall in love with was him.

In the same year I almost bought a motorized bike (I chickend out) and instead bought my first guitar. It wasn't until 2015 that I got my bass and began playing that as my main instrument. I just never felt like I was alone when I played. Learned about 10 songs in one month. I really got into it. Since then I've got 3 basses including a 5 string one.

I let Erik go in 2012

Left the spiritual stuff behind too. Figured there wasn't a point to any of it if he was dead. I wanted to move on with my life and just forget him. It was easy because I had a new job and a new boyfriend. For a few years I thought I was on my way to living a normal life. My intuition wasn't bothering me because I was unmedicated.

Before you get your panties in a twist, for me, in order to concentrate and accept the feelings I get intuitively, I need a clear head. Without my meds I'm in a fog, more anxiety, Tourrets acts up more, and concentration is just impossible. Ive been on several combinations at very varying doses. If the medication is right, I'm able to tune in. Funny, I didn't need meds until Erik died. When I was without meds due to lack of insurance, I could not communicate or feel a thing. So when I let Erik go, I also stopped taking my meds. The dreams still happened though.

Reflecting on the above I have mixed feelings.

I'm going to be a little self-righteous by saying I couldn't even dream of cashing in on my experiences. It's not cool to me. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night knowing I was exploiting a dead person like that. All I'm doing here is sharing my story or my side of his story wether people like it or not. I don't give a flying fuck-shit about how people feel about my blog. At least I'm not making money off it.

All I want to do is help people and I have. These people have become my friends and support system. I'm helping the planet by publishing my posts for the whole world to see. It's actually kind of terrifying! I'm a private person and hardly use social media. My anxiety was at it's worst when I began this blog. It's gotten better but it doesn't mean I don't panic when I write something new. I guess that's why writing the book is so difficult.

Again, at the same time...without her, I probably wouldn't have found him.

😘💕 Have a wonderful day!

[innermort]

*** disclaimer: this is a very long diary type of entry that is probably quite boring for everyone else and may be ignored. it's merely a very lenghty epiphany I just had about my life and myself and I had to type it out for me, to lock in the thoughts, if you will. it was pretty therapeutic tho. 🙃 ***

10/Sept/2021

I just had the realization that I'm in the process of redefining every aspect of my self and my life.

I quit smoking cigarettes from one day to another exactly 2 months ago tomorrow and went from a heavy to a casual party smoker.

I rarely ever smoke weed anymore (plus when I did since quitting tabacco, I rolled with herbs) and now made the conscious decision to take another long break, so it doesn't interfere with my weight loss again. I get the worst munchies and have no self control when I'm stoned. I'm talking "5000+ cals in one sitting" type of binges. I'm not tolerating this kind of self sabotage anymore.

I re-discovered edblr. Yes. I know. Not the healthiest habit to get back into but it's the only thing that has actually helped me gain the motivation and willpower to put a stop to my raging sugar addiction and instead, an actual effort into losing weight again. Besides, I'm doing it in a much more careful and "responsible" way now (high restricting, taking supplements, no strict/exact calorie limit, very light to no exercise (okay, to be fair the reason for that is mainly my injured knee but still), letting myself eat/drink more than planned if I feel my body needs it). And let's not forget that I've literally been binging every day for the past 2 or 3 months. My diet nearly exclusively consisted of chocolate, pastries and pizza. Literally. I've gained 10 kgs (22lbs) during that time. That lifestyle was just as unhealthy, if not unhealthier.

I finally got to hang up and use my calender. Due to my ADHD (self diagnosed for now), I'm very forgetful and unorganized - at least in my private life. That's why I made the decision to get a big calender which I can use as a semi To Do/Buy list and appointment/meeting/bill reminder. Since I'm glueing a sticker to each day I got through without binging, I'm looking at it pretty much every day anyways. Plus, it's a motivater to not binge (reward that inner child)! Overall, it's helping me become more organized and put together which are two areas I've been lacking in in the past years. So far, I've been mostly using my phone notes but I usually write something down and immediately forget about it if it's not a grocery list or a To Do list I'm actively working through on that same day.

I have my first appointment at a psych ward since I was a teen. It's just a phone call and first get to know conversation but it's better than nothing and more than overdue. I'm finally taking the first steps towards getting diagnosed and being eligible for therapy. I'm sick of feeling like a victim of my own brain, I just want to be better. I deserve to be better.

I'm hungry for knowledge again. I deleted Tiktok from my phone because of how big of a distraction it was and because I realized that even though I'm being bombarded with new information everyday, I'm not learning anything. Our brains can't even comprehend the amount of information given in that short time span. Nothing sticks. Sure, you find out about some pretty cool stuff on TT depending on what kinda fyp you have but for me personally, it was just hours and hours of mindless scrolling in the end. It's crazy how addictive it is, too. Even despite the fact that I was already at a point where it didn't even give me that quick dopamine quick anymore. It felt boring and repetitive and I was merely doing it out of habit.

So, I got rid off the app. I started watching documentaries again. Mostly about gut health and mental illnesses like ADHD, Autism, BPD, Narcissm etc. Like TED talks or interviews/discussions by and with professionals/experts/diagnosed people. I'm back to not just craving but actually consuming something with substance, something that gives me more knowledge and insight on a topic. Something I actually want to know more about.

I realized and accepted that even though I am a creative mind, a fully creative job might just not be for me. I'm learning that maybe I'm the type of person who does something entirely different in their free time than what they do at work. And that that's very much okay. I noticed that at my job (this was the case for every job I ever had), my mind seems to work differently. When people expect me to do something, I have the needed pressure and motivation to get it done. I could also observe in myself that at work, I enjoy organizing/sorting stuff, I'm a fast and independent learner while I'm also excellent at training new employees, I'm much more detail oriented than in my private life - overall, it came to my attention that I might not actually be the ever chaotic forgetful mess who can't form a logic thought - or I can at least recognize that this is merely a part of me and not what defines and limits me as a person. I realized I actually like straightforward work, I like working alone and I like working precisely. When I was younger I would have never used any of these traits to describe my dream career. I would gag at the idea of working an office job and now I feel like this would actually suit me very well. Especially the working alone part would mean feeling less drained at the end of a work day and still having the energy to hang out with people I actually want to see. This is an extremely valuable lesson about myself that I finally seem to have learned.

After this big sub- and now concious evaluation about myself I'm also finally taking actual steps towards a possible career. I bought a course and worked through the first 2 lectures today, taking notes and writing everything down neatly for 3 - 3 1/2 hours (in total with breaks in between). I even got a notebook specifically for this new life project. I'm excited to learn. I feel scared, too. This is something I've never done before but I'm telling myself that trying won't hurt. I have my main job as a safety net, financially nothing can happen to me. I can only learn, even if I fail. And time will pass anyways, whether I get my ass up and put in the work or continue to be unhappy with what I'm doing without trying to change anything.

Speaking of finances, I also started taking those more seriously now. I stopped using my credit card (I was in negative numbers constantly, big numbers like -300 to -800€ due to constant overspending). I set up standing orders for my monthly fixed costs to make sure bills are always paid on time. Due to my forgetfulness and ADHD freeze I would often forget to pay or postpone paying bills until the reminder came in the mail and led to me having to pay on top or generating debt. I still have a little bit of debt to pay off but it's thankfully not a dramatic amount. I also have a second bank account for savings now where I transfer 200€ to every month. Even the simple act of calculating my fixed costs to see how much I can use for what was something that was desperately overdue. What I still have to do is sort out my receipts and write everything down in a housekeeping/budget book. And my first ever tax return. I am very much dreading both of these. 😃

Anyways. Wow. I really needed to type this out. I have the very harmful tendency to look at all the negative stuff and only focus on what I don't have and don't do. I really needed to take a long, deep look at all the things I've been changing around in the past couple months. A lot of it really passed me by until now. It's crazy but I really feel like a complete failure when my body isn't looking its best and it makes me blind for everything else. So, thank you to myself for reminding me that I am actually making a lot of progress, even if it has been in areas other than my fitness and looks. They're just as important (from a healthy brains point significantly more important, obviously) and deserve to be noticed and celebrated.

Conclusion: ❤️✨YAY, ME✨❤️

[cancerbiophd]

How I landed an industry job straight out of my life sciences PhD, without doing a post-doc 

In less than 7 weeks I’ll be defending my dissertation as a final step in my PhD in Cancer Biology, and yesterday I accepted a Scientist position at a local biotechnology company. And best part: I didn’t have to do the dreaded post-doc first! Which is pretty rare for our field (but I hope it’ll be more and more common for PhD’s going into industry).

I promised I would talk about the process here, and I hope that anyone who’s aiming for the same path can walk away with some tips or at least with a familiarity of the process. 

The main points I want to get across: 

Network network network. You can probably just stop reading here, because this job came about all through networking. I was basically head-hunted--someone in my network (a program alumnus) contacted me on LinkedIn to ask if I wanted to apply for a position on the team she directs. So set up your LinkedIn account, keep it up to date, and use it to actively network. At the very least you should connect with the alumni in your program as you all have something in common already, and since they’re out and about in the field they would be great resources for informational interviews and job referrals. 

My expertise and career goals matched the position. No brainer, of course. Even if I wasn’t contacted by the company, I would only be applying to companies I qualified for (so companies dealing with cancer since I’m my PhD is in Cancer Bio). My lab mate, for example, was finishing up his PhD in Nutritional Sciences but was applying to cancer companies with no result, because it just wasn’t the candidate those companies were looking for. My expertise was also probably what got that director’s attention in the first place and the reason she reached out. She was basically willing to wait 7 months for me (from job posting to my final start-date) because I was her ideal candidate, and not just based off my expertise alone, but our personalities matched too. She told me “we communicate well” aka our work personalities match. I know you can’t change who you are obviously, but getting along with your manager goes a long way. 

That being said, employers/PIs are flexible with start dates for PhD candidates. I applied to this position 6 months before I had my defense date set and when I only knew a ballpark of “sometime in the summer”. And then during my interview process I had to keep pushing that potential start-date back and back and back. But the company understood this. So as a PhD candidate you could start applying 6 months before your expected end-date (even if it’s still a moving target), or even months earlier for post-docs (which are much more flexible than industry positions). In general, you should start looking 1 year before your finish date to see what’s out there. 

It was also good luck/timing. If I had graduated earlier than the job posting, then I never would’ve had this opportunity. I also only added her to my LinkedIn network because I went to a lunch seminar where she gave a talk about working in industry. So small things that ultimately made a huge difference. Some you can’t control, but some (like going to that lunch) are definitely  opportunities to seize. 

I was low “flight risk”. Companies are always afraid their employees will leave the company/city for greener pastures, and that’s more common in “less popular” places to live, like the southwest desert where I’m located. But I’m from here, my grad school is here, my family’s here--so the company is making the assumption I’m not going to just up and go any time soon. You obviously can’t control where your family chooses to settle down, but you may be able to strategically choose your grad school based off of its proximity to potential companies. 

And lastly, in my experience, PhD’s with no post-doc in biotech industry should expect an annual salary somewhere between $75-95k (depending on the company and cost of living), with benefits.

Ok, my full story under cut if you’d like to know more about the process I went through:

It all started when a program alumnus (or alumna, if you’re picky about your latin) named RF talked at a lunch seminar to students in my program in Feb 2019. I was really interested in her company and knew she would be a great network to have, so I emailed her later to thank her, and then added her on LinkedIn. 

Fast forward to January of this year (2020) when RF messaged me on LinkedIn out of the blue asking me how close I was to graduating and if I would be interested in a position at her company. I think she wanted someone asap (so not me, I thought), but we talked more about my project, and she said she’d keep in touch. In February, she messaged me again saying a position opened up on her team and she wanted to see if I would like to apply. I said heck yes (or the more formal version), and sent in my application, with the expectation that I would be defending sometime in the summer. I also put her as my job referral and messaged her afterwards to let her know my application went through (with the hopes that maybe she could fast-track it through HR, which I think she did). 

In the meantime, I messaged (also on LinkedIn) another program alumnus I knew (our time overlapped a few years) who currently works with RF and we chatted on the phone about what he does at work, how he likes it there, etc. Basically an informational interview (and also to catch up as colleagues). I was also hoping he’d put in a good word for me with RF and can attest I’m a decent human being and all that. 

2 weeks later, I had a phone interview with RF, and I was super nervous going into it. I even practiced pages and pages of answers of common interview questions for a week straight. But to my surprise she opened the call with “I already know a lot about you from your CV, LinkedIn profile, and also your PhD training because we’re from the same program, so this is your chance to ask me questions!” And I was like, uhhhh awesome! The only thing she wanted to know about me was when I could start, and at that moment in time I was gunning for a July/Aug defense date. 

(I also emailed her and HR afterwards to ask them whether they could match my salary expectation, which I had researched well beforehand for what was common in the field for my position and experience, and they said they could.)

We then set up the next round of interviews for April with a colleague of RF’s who used to be in the same team but now directs her own, and RF’s boss (these would have normally been on-site, but I did them over the phone bc Covid). I again messaged my friend at the company asking if he had any tips. 

And then disaster struck! The company’s HR called me a week before those scheduled interviews to tell me the company had ordered a hiring freeze due to Covid and the effect it was having on the economy. Absolute bummer :( :( :(

So I then applied for a few more positions here and there, including some post-docs (which I really didn’t want to do). I got 2 rounds of interviews for a Scientist position at another local company, and as of today I still haven’t heard anything from them. oh well. 

Then in June I finally heard back from RF’s company saying the hiring freeze has been lifted and whether I’m still interested? Uh, heck yes! So we continued with those 2 phone interviews I had originally scheduled back in April. They both went really well. But I still continued to apply to other positions in the meantime because I wanted to have as many options as I could. 

Then 2 weeks ago (July 7) I got THE call: they wanted to offer me the position! :D

Only problem was, we needed to settle on a start-date. They of course wanted me to start like, yesterday, but my PI wanted to push back my original defense date of Aug 28 one more week to Sept 4, and also wanted me to focus on any dissertation edits for 2 weeks after that. So my earliest start-date would be Sept 21. If you remember, my defense date shifted from “sometime in the summer” to “July/August” to now September, so I was really worried the company wouldn’t accept this. I nervously waited 2 weeks for someone to call me back, and in my head I kept thinking, “I blew it I blew it”. I even sent in a job application to another company in that time. 

But RF finally called me and said hey, no problem, we can do that! She told me she was willing to wait because I really was her perfect candidate (I had all the experience she wanted, and she said we communicated well aka our work-personalities matched). She had also just recently hired another graduate from our program, who is also a friend of mine, so she knew we would all mesh together very nicely. 

And that’s the story folks! I’ll be starting the position remotely until it’s safe to return to the building again. They’re also working with my husband to see if he’s a good candidate for some of their other open positions (we’re both in the biotech field). We’re both super excited about this new chapter in our lives. 

All this because I attended the lunch seminar RF talked at all last year and then added her on LinkedIn. When people talk about opportunities lurking behind every corner, they really did mean that. 

[keepinglowkeyy]

Masters Preparation For Abroad

Hey ! My name is Shreen Katyan and I am going to pursue my Masters from Boston University FALL 2021 in field of Bioinformatics which is offering me a scholarship too ! 

Here I am ,writing my first blog, so very enthusiastic to share my experience of an year long journey of preparing for the Masters and providing insider tips to help people who are passionate to study abroad so they grab the best opportunities. 

I know the process is exhaustive but its all worth it when you secure your dream school. So lets get started! Please bear with me since its a long blog but it is gonna give you so much clarity about the process with EXTREME INTRICATE DETAILS.

In order to pursue your masters in US, please keep in mind it is very expensive and the selection process is tough and competitive but when you succeed you would be exploring hands on  the best connection networks and the latest technologies of the world.

I would suggest you to go for Fall semester since generally when your degree ends there are more chances  for getting a job since all the student career fairs are held in such a timely manner .Also most courses are provided in Fall semesters only. Even internship is more feasible if you go according to this plan. Most students go for fall only.

For example If you need to get an admit for Fall 2022 which means Sept/Oct of 2022, start your preparation in April/May of 2021 itself. I am highlighting the entire timeline process for applying as a FIVE POINTER for your convenience.

JOURNEY-

1.CHOOSING YOU STREAM AND COLLEGE-Make up your mind about which course you want to pursue and from which University .For that simply google and legit through read the different Universities websites, which schools provides which courses and under  which department. You are gonna be amaze how unique integrated courses which are out there available which will ignite you since you need to be very sure about your Masters since its a pretty hard commitment. For example ,I found this Biotechnology Management course of Johns Hopkins University which were taking students from biology field and specializing them in MBA with management jobs in pharma industries (their field only). Shortlist some colleges after seeing what are they prerequisites ,are you liking the college facilites,is there a high chance for you to get an admit etc. CHECK FOR THE DEADLINES OF EACH PROGRAM YOU SELECT TO APPLY FOR AND ADD THEM TO YOUR CALENDER.

2. ENTRANCE EXAMINATIONS-Start preparing for GRE exam .Prepare for as much time as you  feel required .Keep giving mocks and check your score so you get an idea what scores lands you in what type of University. For preparing if you have a Magoosh account,Gre official books ,Barron word list and for extra high level practice, try Manhattan lb. .THESE ARE MORE THAN SUFFICIENT FOR A SCORE OF 320 +. Finish the exams off by September for 1st attempt and Mid November for the final attempt so you get results well on time.

3.BUILDING RESUME-Please keep building your resume parallelly with internship, online courses, research articles etc. in THE SUBDISCIPLINE OF THE FIELD IN WHICH YOU ARE APPLYING thus strengthening your application. EVERYTHING MATTERS EVEN YOUR GPA,YOUR EXTRACIRRICULAR AND CO CIRRICULAR ACTIVITES, YOUR 10TH AND 12TH GRADES ,STATEMENT OF PURPOSE(SOPs) ,LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION(LORs) ETC. Seek out to good consultancies for building your SOP,LORS and APPLICATION PROCESS.

4.ENGLISH PROFICIENCY TEST- TOFEL is majorly accepted by the US universities.Self prepare for TOFEL and GRE. With little practice from YouTube, please work especially on the WRITING SECTION, you can secure a 100+ score which is the basic requirement for A+ GRAD schools. TOFEL you can prepare for a week around and giving it anytime even after applying to college according to your convenience.

5.APPLICATION PROCESS-Check out for the dates when the application submissions start. Early birds have a benedictory status. Note the deadlines for admission .There are gonna be so many pages and questions you might have doubts with, this is the place where your consultant  guides you the most . APPLICATION ENTIRELY DECIDES YOUR GATEWAY INTO THE COLLEGE SO PLEASE BE VERY SINCERE AND THROUGH ABOUT IT.FIRST COME FIRST SERVE BASICS IN  THE SELECTION PROCESS OF REALLY COMPETITIVE APPLICATIONS.

Finally, wait for a couple of months as the offer letters rush in!!!!It is very overwhelming and shortlist the college you want to go taking into consideration factors such as the place, the program enrolled, ranking etc. Alongside start with the Visa application process filling out the DS160, Sevis fee payment etc. Ask your university ,they guide you through the whole process after sending in the offer letter and I -20. Arrange your funds, best way I went about preparing for my visa interview was through telegram group where everybody posts their experiences so that you can get a gist of questions would be asked. Prepare those and IF YOU ARE GETTING A GOOD COLLEGE AND FUNDING IS STRONG VISA WONT BE REJECTED POSITIVELY.

Book you flight well in advance and give enough time to yourself to settle in a new country.YOU DID THIS NOW GO FLY OFF!!!!!!!

I hope this helps :) .Signing off!Feel free to reach out for more queries.

~Shreenk.

[startwithbrooklyn]

THE GREAT ND REWATCH OF 2021 / SEPTEMBER 30, 2019 // larkspur lane/the whisper box

this post is a double whammy cause they have 2 eps happen in the same day if u can believe it (thats how awful judging timelines in this show is!!)

-"hi josh..." LMAOOOOOOO

-BESS just breaking in lmaooo how many god damn times does bess just shit the bed in this show

-LOVE her frowny face at nancys closet ("my expectations are low" lmfaoooo but this would totally be me)

-"bet she meant it metaphorically" okayyy but then why did lucy say that at all? i feel like theres defo more to this story, combined with josh's cagey behavior (part of which is to get nancy to stop looking into shit d/t him and karen but still)

-"they dont accept visitors unless they're family" .....🙂

-ace "youre really good at that" to bess i fuckin love this friendship with all my heart (also love their talk at the claw mirroring nick & nancys talk in the last ep)

-also PINK AND ORANGE BESS ARE U BLIND (also 1) why tf would nancy own this and 2) where would she wear it??)

-okay wtf is vampire dip

-"boss??" see this is what i meant yesterday about nancy ruining everything for nick/george

-god DAMN she sucks at dealing with this news lmaooo that emotional competency babey + love george literally agrees to help bc she feels bad (AND nicks immediate look of "you just reprimanded me for helping her last ep and i know why youre doing this rn" lmaoooo)

-LOVE george noticing nick "shout out to jean valjean" lmaooo once again nancy would never have noticed/commented on something like that

-"get the hell out of here" was this foreshadowing for an epic dad joke for these two eps? "how do you make holy water? you boil the hell out of it" 😂😂😂😂

-so what i dont get about the whole haunting is the ball + kids' laughter but its all the emphasis on "mr roper" the adult? wtf like what kind of entity is this

-"how did you ever have a solo career??" 😂

-okay amaya's hair is gorgeous here (also "you feel like a snack" ....👀) *ahhh so the reason bess feels so off balance is bc its like a top vs a top scenario

-has anyone who's ever been to prison confirmed this is what it looks like?

-love how ace is the only employee there when they all leave so he had to fucking close the place when he goes

-why does she take the whole file? time constraints? it'd be smarter to take pics + replace it (better sleuthing) but this place is clearly not well run anyway 😂

-so this is a pretty decent cover she invents but theres no way she would get away with it so easily for a real guard

-love how ace recognizes ryan's car (+ is able to find it by driving around)

-"my father wouldnt do anything like that" LMFAOOOOOO SIS WHY ARE U DEFENDING HIM ironically, ace is actually the best person suited to engage w ryan here d/t the car accident + connection with laura being ryans SIL. its a unique set up

-i am fascinated by the concept of priests + holy water being so effective here combined with mcginnis' beliefs and basically nondenominational ghosts/seances etc after that. the show is very clearly big on diversity but definitely steers clear from too much WASP stuff yk? wonder if other stuff from christianity works against the ghosts/demons like taking refuge in a church "holy ground" or using silver etc

-"did this start after the night of sept 10?" *this is where you get the time line for the seance if you didnt know

-this is so fucking funny when u realize that patient sal talks to is actually a ghost so sal really is psycho i guess 😂

-bitchsplain/tall jar of mayonnaise 🙏🏻😌 2gether 4ever

-how did ace get this van? also heart attack when he yells at carson (but then grins at him like a goofball lmaooo)

-"for nancys sake and yours" damn she owes ace big time for all this shit

-"what do we do for 7 minutes?" ...ummm play 7 minutes in heaven lmaooo 👀🥵

-was not expecting ace to look this sexy holding an axe but okay (*ah, its his short sleeve shirt showing his arms. usually hes a sleeves guy)

-"desperate for attention" nancy (from gomber) vs "bc she's starved for attention" patrice --> lucy (and candace also...) we know nancys detective work makes her seem like an attention seeker, but what was lucy doing to make them all think that? she was trying to hide her relationship with ryan, not expose it. unless they just mean the rumors about her?

-so is patrice hiding lucy's "truth" talking about lucy being a whore or lucy being a ghost? what is lucy's secret? did patrice guess she was pregnant or did patrice's somehow garbled mind remember tiffany trying to show patrice the video with lucy on it?

-wonder what captain thom thinks of this stand off w ace lmaooo

-"like you do?" top v top shenanigans

-how awko for carson to talk to karen again like this

-"oh no" ACE 😂

-love how amaya says "be a human" like shes kind of admitting people in rich circles typically arent (^this is an interesting focus in s2 when bess's rich family rejects her, thus making her human again, but nancy embraces her rich fam and experiences subsequent moral struggle which is predicted with the wraith)

-wonder what ryan thinks he could get from the marvins (which he cant get now lmaooo)

-this damn whisper box. so many questions. who named it the whisper box? why are the ropers' old possessions still there? who decided to build a mental hospital on top of it? and patrice! she "hid lucy's secrets" hannah gruen thinks tiffany tried to show patrice video w lucy on it, which patrice then specifically says she hid in the thin mans book. so patrice knows of the thin man? can she see him? does she know he was a ghost/supernatural? she must have a supernatural sense to know about him (unless sal told or some shit) so then when tiffany shows up w/ lucy being supernatural in it patrice hides it to protect her? is this why she is "crazy" kinda like victoria? supernatural elements or ability to sense ghosts makes her unstable? this is why lucy being a ghost/nursery rhyme that she repeats makes patrice worse/"stroke"? how did patrice even get into the whisper box to put the key in the bible and get out without getting trapped? also, her dementia --> lucidity is really fucking off, some people mildly switch like that but usually with dementia they cant even register new shit anymore

-...so did bess take the ride? 👀

-interesting how celia says "your father will be disappointed" but nothing of her own opinion. wonder how much celia truly puts up with to keep everett calm and nonhomicidal

-like george asking nick follow up questions that nancy never really would have asked

🥞🥞🥞(ep13)🥞🥞🥞

-is this bitch just eating a plain pancake with her bare hand?

-"extra case load and excessive volunteering" ugh. nancy's family here are like, gross in how "good" of people they are // unrealistic, trying to paint carson in the best light/ no way ryan could ever compare (but the reality is theyre not that good of people for lying about nancy) **and shes arrogant to think shes better than everyone else ie the only one who truly lives virtuously, thinks she can do no wrong sometimes even tho using sex to cope, breaking and entering, etc is not morally "good" stuff she still thinks she is the only one who doesnt lie and plays fair (like in the pilot she lists everyone else as a suspect but herself- obviously we know she isnt guilty but no one else does. (i mean in theory we really dont, what if nancy was an unreliable narrator and was actually guilty, that would be a hella cool show)its reactions like that where she cant understand why others like the chief suspect her

-ooooh ironic that in the Good Place carson readily agrees to pay her for helping with cases as opposed to s2 in reality

-nick's house has "problems" so why does he need a lawyer? as opposed to an interior designer, plumber, or realtor?

-in the Good Place nick and george realize they are not going to work out after one date. does this failure in the Good Place predict failure in reality, or merely an easier way of figuring out the truth? does this mean that the "opposite" of the Good Place is reality, or only an opinion of what is better? (nancy says "you all like me" as her opinion of them liking her is skewed; does this then only reflect nancys version for what is the "perfect life"?)

-why is bess a hippie??? and love how george curls her hair and wears pink lipstick here

-if this dream is so realistic then why is the one thing it cant conjure smoke? like how random

-love the locket being a key realization bc with things like jewelry you dont notice the weight of them until theyre gone

-"you all like me" in her perfect life nancy means they "like" her objectively/regardless of circumstance even though liking her is still an objective choice (like they "like" her because of other reasons instead of her working at the claw? (like how you make friends with coworkers/people at school every day but after you leave the job/graduate you never speak to them again) and her "thanks for showing up!" as if theyre not doing exactly that in reality 😐like where is she getting this shit? she sort of acknowledges in earlier eps she is hard to like/that she puts mysteries before friends, but also pushing them away to avoid danger like the previous ep "why do u show up" etc

-is it just me or does the inside of nicks "house" look like the drews'?

-nick has a dick scar lmaooooo (or more likely was hit in the balls or smth)

-love how nick + george match their anger in confronting sal 100% on the same level

-so when did ace go back to work after having such a busy day earlier?? lmaooo

-damn father shane is a creep (casting defo hired him for his voice) and how tf did he just poof + escape? and what did he request???

-love bess's white hair bow here 😌+ her jacket, whole outfit on point as usual

-like how bess is right that nancy has to find her way out but thats kind of a nonstarter for a room full of panicked people wanting to help

-in the Good Place theres no bad blood between drews + hudsons bc nancy is really theirs

-"the only one who has the key is you" in the Good Place nancy has the key (smaller picture, to finding out what happened to lucy but bigger picture, post-reveal) but ryan has the clues nancy needs- following the Good Place's mirroring, this just means that in reality ryan will either be completely useless or an active hindrance (but you KNOW this is a dream bc in what universe would ryan remember clues like that 😂)

-so in a perfect universe ryan acknowledges his family's "criminal empire" as opposed to reality where he only makes under cover jabs about disengaging with being an "entitled corrupt legacy criminal" ie finding the bonny scot relics but does nothing about them, etc

-"strippers" 😂

-okay what is nancys obsession w her beanie?? bc her mom made it? "wear beanies do crimes?" idk

-making the call: nancy -unable to make up for lost time/both her mothers had to find out/suffer alone / in the Good Place nancy was able to be with kate while she called, and in reality she had carson; somethig about seeing the mother looking to the daughter for strength in the Good Place instead of the reverse (which is what reality sounded like, kate being strong for nancy through the illness despite the struggle)

-concept: nancy & nick "let's wait out the storm"

-"i believe that you believe it" nick in the Good Place + owen in reality both trust nancy when she says she's seen things (owen's is the teeth) but nick in reality (and not really knowing details) doesnt think much of their "moment" bc it wasnt real (so she had to leave the Good Place to save carson- but if she had known then he wasnt her real dad, would she have stayed to be w nick?)

-stranger - suede james 💙👌🏻

-"really anxious as a kid" v telling bc of her desire to know everything to remain in control of situations like she always does now

-"the medicine or the metaphysics?"/"you cannot beat supernatural with science"

-i love nancy playing with her pinky while saying goodbye 🥺

-"always seek out the truth even if it hurts" this is straight irony bc kate never told nancy anything. like does that include the truth about nancys parentage? they taught her to seek out the truth, but who taught her that the truth is the only thing to live by? ie things dont count anymore like carson and kate straight up raising her is tossed out bc she finds out its not "the truth" like all that work/stress to protect carson + she just drops him? with kate maybe shes just upset thst she spent all that time mourning for someone who lied. and would she do the same to ryan if needed? probably

-bess and ace head tilt 💙

-like how for all the time she spent there nancy only has a subconscious memory of blue curtains

-YESSSSS i LOVEthese beautiful overhead shots of hannah's hands. so out of character for the show lmao but so gorgeous

-i feel like future eps/grand future will be nancy going through the lock boxes to help people who asked hannah for help

-the video is officially dated Aug 22, 2019

-soooooo in the first ep nancy breaks into the hudsons house and finds tiffanys secret drawer w the nail polish and finds the amulet with a note that says "for your protection HG" yet on this video tiffany says she talked to a medium who gave her the amulet sooooo am i just confused? HG is hannah gruen obvi so is the address for the medium what hannah gave her? or was the address on the amulet which nancy dissolved in salt water to see? so how would tiffany know where to go? its chicken and the egg which came first hannah or the medium?

and lastly:

i close these two eps with a thought that everything in this show is sealed in death. all the lies, the imagery, the fake constructs people put up to get by all crumple the second someone dies- all the secrets come clean just like these doors have been unsealed.

[definedbywhatilove]

seven months

hey taylor! this is a little story of my journey since the last time that i let you in to my inner world... its been seven months...(feels like 20 lifetimes of growth) and two months since I moved to California and one week since I left my grandest, most divine partner in L.A to continue my journey of self discovery, self awareness, self love, and self soverignty... and i wanted to mention something important to you -- a sign, an invisable string if you will. since i was a kid, your music always followed me and described my life experiences. as i began a deep journey of self understanding, i went away from the reality that i knew (much alike your time to yourself, away from the media) last oct/november. and i let myself fall deeply, and madly in love. you know the love i'm talking about. the red love. the deeply open and vulnerable heart love, despite all past burns to the heart. the one you write poetry and songs about. i know you feel deeply self worth inside. i know that you relyed on guys to help fill that void. same as me. same as so many beautiful woman out there. giving our hearts away.. loving so damn red. but loving so: fearlessly. bravely. courageously. vulnerably. openly. you can't regret a thing, can you? and the months piled up. nine months december 27 he came to Christmass dinner ten months january 27 this is... love eleven months febuary 27 this is home 1 year march 27 this is the 1 three days after, my life came crashing down. i wake up to coughing. masks. fear. my house turned into a graveyard a grounds of fear, pain, suffering sickness. not me. her. my dads partner. someone who i thought, in my own ego, i despised. in that moment, i knew i loved. two hours. it was less than two hours that i packed two suitcases, and a heavy backpack full of everything that mattered to me. i had practised this before. countless nights isoltated in my room, pretending to pack to run away. really considering running away. but never running. it was a blur. i don't remember much. a message to stay, but the knowingness that it was my time to leave. one last goodbye. no hug. a promise. with my father. knowing he would get sick. knowing that my father, my Rock, my stable Father could very evidently get sick and die. was this a goodbye forever? i didn't know but i left. i had to leave. by some greater plan from God, or whoever is orchestrating this magical universe, my partner moved to my city by chance through the winter and I went to him. i moved in; my heart afraid of moving in with somebody that i love because love had only ever hurt me. i moved in with my partner and allowed my dad the space to go through his own conscious awakening. thirteen months WILL HE DIE? i prayed everyday. i surrendered. i released the outcome. i surrendered to my partner and the relationship and accepted a deeper love than i have ever experienced during this time. i started my business. really, started my business. i started it in december but I didn't really know if I would ever get to see my dad again. through the fall and winter he provided for me whilst i recovered from being sick [reoccuring during fall/winter, peak in sept. same thing i felt during my journey in 2018]. how will i live as an adult on my own? provide for myself? what if he dies? i make my first 2k month. i surrender to love. i meet nature. fourteen months i called him for the first time. my dad. it was so painful to hear him speak. he was still sick. i began to slowly give grounded, healing advice. affirmations. colors. introduced the law of attraction. helping him know that his physical body was sick because his mind was sick of negativity. i move into my first apartment with my partner. its beautiful. he pays the rent. i get the entire room, he takes the living room. i was provided for. i continued my business. i held strong visions of travelling with my partner before the lease was up in august. it was my lifelong dream. i prayed for my dad and his partner. sitting in nights of fear and pain. letting go. trusting. rebuilding. health. NATURE. LOVE. date nights. park visits. lake visits. fifteen i saw my dad and his partner! in person! june 6, the first time since march 30. i went with my partner. i was nervous. i also get to see my cat ~~ who has always had siezures, that got even worse when they were sick... who i also had to let go of, not knowing if would survive.. but did! i gave him healing crystals. healing tips. love. hope. he opened. my dad whos heart was closed cracked open. i had never seen this mans heart open since i was a little child before my mom broke his heart. he left his job, you know. when i was a kid i was neglected for that job. one that i had to go to school too many times when i didn't feel because of. one that kept him gone late nights once a week. one that drained him. but the job that supported me physically and financially through my entire life. the job that helped give me a good life ~ his time and energy he gave into this job to provide for his daughter. he realized what it was doing to him. he realized, taylor. he realized. he got a new job. two hours away, a small county on the lake. a chance to start over. leave the karmic city he lived in. he also began to feel his emotions from what happened with the trauma of my mother. this was a miracle. a miracle. a miracle. and so, he would move away... starting his new job during the sixteenth month of this journey, july 13 i know at this point i will be travelling soon and leaving anyways, but could not leave my dad... and so the universe had him leave to set me free. i spent the rest of the month knowing he would move away, and likely i would too. but where? i saw him many times. gave him reiki too. we all went to the cottage together, him, his partner, me, and mine. summer solstice. peace. love. sixteen months i released all of my limitations. i chose love, abundance, freedom, health, bliss. i released my dad, my cat, my childhood home... [never grow up describes this situation]... a 21st birthday, really, a goodbye to my family... i booked a plane ticket. a month and a week to California. knowing, that it would be longer than that one month and a week. myself and my partner. one carry on and personal item. my self soverignty. my dreams. my abundance [first five figure month!!!] i left taylor. i left behind the city i always lived in to follow my dreams and passion. i'm living in my dream location. mountains. forests. lakes. a sacred site in Nor Cal. a childhood dream, if you will. a new life begins the night before i leave i see that you had an album out. folklore. i didn't know, because i had been going through so much stuff within my life that anything that happened online was not present in my life. i listened to caridgan for a few seconds. didn't feel right. i let you go...[knowing, like always, your music will come to me at the exact right time] i got on the plane. three layovers. an overnight train. i begin my new life on the mountain. begin again. seventeen months i am not the same. i have grown. i have healed. my time in the mountain has been the most groundbreaking, expansive, philisophical, healing time of my entire life. feeling like one month was twenty lifetimes of healing and growth. healing all of my childhood wounds, fears, pains. being of service in my business, providing healing for over 55 people. but... it was here where it started to break apart. that one last thing. i let go of the home. the cat. the family. the stuff. there was 1 more thing to let go of... eighteen months kyle, was his name you know. and of course, when we are hurt we go into the victim mindset right away. it is instinct. predetor and prey. it is conditioned into us. this time, after completing a cycle of 3 relationships of emotional manipulation, disrespect, not being loved the way i loved... i took full ownership for it. for manipulating MYSELF. for disrespecting MYSELF. for not loving MYSELF the way I love another. thats when the relationship healing and karma happens. when you take complete ownership for your own mistreatment knowing that this person was simply a mirror of the own hate, anger, and fear you have about yourself. it happened on september 2nd, under the full moon. it started, anyways. i was called to l.a out of Nor Cal. With him. and we Went. This is where the fun part starts, the intention behind this entire story but we're only getting to it right now because of course, I am a writer. The main message has to be supported by a story, right? on september 6th, we had a midnight train. i wanted to listen to music to help me release leaving the city i was living in in Nor Cal, cuz I had grown fairly attached to it. cardigan came into my life. [which i realize as i am writing this and listening to it, the version i have always listened to is the cabin one,... which I am just seeing you realeased on my birthday!!!! july 30th. how interesting] it fell into place this night. and i was meant to hear it now; your music has always been like a spirit guide to me. always a message when i need it. we had a midnight train. my partner got a nosebleed on the way...[stepping on the last train, marked me like a blood stain...] i knew in my heart we would be breaking up... the day before the flight to l.a, the day before the fires, i knew we would be breaking up in l.a. the night that invisable strings was introduced into my life, via my dear soul friend Emma. i knew that this song spoke of my memories and experiences with l.a. l.a was always a place for me to find self empowerment, bravery, and self worth. being the place that i endured my first break up in, l.a taught me self love. i knew that an invisable string was bringing me back to l.a, and really... back to [myself]. despite knowing what was to happen, i held myself through the flight to l.a. it's not like we officially broke up that day, but i knew going on this flight that since i was facing my biggest fears in real life that i would be about to experience my fear of being alone. i flew the day that san fransisco was orange. tiny little 13 row plane. deep fear of planes. in a moment of deep intuition and love, i opened my heart to hold space for the people on the plane that were also terrified of the fires and landing somewhere that was orange. holding people, holding space, through what could be seen on an Earthly scale as a trauma. moving past my own fears and negative thoughts and holding the emotions of love and safety. it was a big moment for me. i listened to invisable strings dyuring the plane ride. and two days later was when my fire happened. september 11 is when we officially broke up.. when i chose to stand up for myself, for my own love + respect, when i knew that i had to leave a toxic and co-dependent relationship... you know, i thought a tsunami was going to happen that day or something and i was going to die. i literally thought this was what was going to happen; but the death that happened was not physical, but the death of a relationship. we were in l.a until the 18th, in the same apartment, trying our best to go through our breakup while living with eachother. still getting groceries together [chasing shadows in the grocery line]... i could barely function. i know you know what co-dependent relationships can get like. beginning to function on your own without the love from them is hell. [cue. this is me trying] having a hard time adjusting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! letting go of this love. knowing i need to leave. we were in l.a until the 18th, in the same apartment, trying our best to go through our breakup while living with eachother. still getting groceries together [chasing shadows in the grocery line]... the ocean took me down; pulled my knee out. the day after telling my partner i need to do everything on my own and we be completely separate whilst living in this apartment together for at least a week. knowing we likely would stay till oct.my bodies way of still needing to rely on him. coping mechinisms. breakdowns. [pouring my heart out to a stranger, but i didn't pour the whiskey...] (This lyric. After my first relationship, I turned to alcohol. I got very dependent on this, and this runs in my family. It took me until a significant event at a party in 2017 for me to stop, i know you know what i mean. So it was a big deal for me, despite all temptations, to not turn to alcohol). i knew i had to leave l.a our host was offering us to stay until oct 1. i was 100% sure i was, despite living in the apartment with kyle, through breakup [not your typical i hate u breakup tho, one of deep love and mutual, conscious respect and love for eachother] going to stay. esp with how my body was, and my knee. and... if i went back home to Nor Cal, I knew i'd be going alone. And I knew my partner couldn't financially sustain himself at the time to stay anywhere other than back home. I knew he would have to quarentine for 14 days. I knew that by making this decision I would be completely cut off from him. i went to cancel our flight back to Nor Cal. 34 hours before. i was going to stay and stay in a place with a man who didn't have enough self love and worth yet to be able to love me properly. and then it happened. continue to financially support him. continue to love him uncontiionally. and then... sept 16 11:30pm the last excuse. the last invalidation. the last disrespect. the last act of hatred. the last act of emotional manipulation. the last time the gas light would ever turn on. i do not cancel my flight. i walked away. i chose myself. i messaged everybody that i knew to ask for help and support. i knew that this would be the hardest thing I ever had to do. i had to walk away from whom i know on a soul level to be my husband. i know. i know. i know. i know when we have both healed we will come back together in harmonious union; our relationship was all about growing. but it was time to grow apart, in order to grow back together with a stable individual foundation. the last day was magic. it was a new moon. santa monica beach. sunset. shopping. swimming. we allowed ourself to have a night of love. we knew that this was at the basis of our connection; true, undying, eternal, uncondtional love. we will always love each other in a deeper way than can be described in words. no painting, song, piece of poetry could describe this love. and it was painful. painful to love so deeply and openly and vulnerabily, knowing that come 6am I would be headed to the airport It was the most open and vulnerable I have ever been. Allowing myself to openly love so deeply despite knowing what was to come in just some short hours. I really poured my heart out. I opened up. I was vulnerable. I was my true self. And it was one of the best nights of my life, September 17th in Santa Monica, under the New Moon. we stayed up together all night holding each other. sharing a few last kisses. talking about our favourite memories each month of our relationship [i know they said the end was near...] we didn't sleep all night. the alarm went off, 4:50am. time to go. i packed everything the night before. i tied up my lose ends. we held eachother deeply. the final alarm went off, 5:10am. the pink sunrise in the uber on the way to the airport. the way that he didn't cancel his flight to go through security with me. not getting a coffee to spend every last second with him. and we sat in the airport and cried our hearts out. holding each other. crying. in front of anyone who cared to see. knowing one hour before boarding i had to take myself to the bathroom so that i could cry and prepare myself to fly [note: hopefully the airport worker knew we were gunna be okay] 7:48am, i knew the alarm was going to go off in two minutes. i take my power back and stand up, turning the alarm off. i said i have to go now or I will not get on the flight. i tell him he needs to walk away first. i can't do it. no. i'll feel abandoned. i have to be the one. i hugged him. one time. i said goodbye. i wished him well. i told him i love him. i put my backpack on. i get my stuff together. one last hug... one last kiss... and i pulled away. i walked away from the man that i know one day will be my husband and the father to my children to follow my own path of self discovery and worth and love. of healing. walking up to the airline worker, telling her my partner would not be coming on the flight with me. "okay, Miss, i will remove him from your party and from the flight," i held myself together. i did. the best i could. good thing i didn't sleep because that kept me at least less emotional and breaking down than i thought i would be. "now boarding flight xxxx to Sacramento, boarding rows 10-13..." i got myself on the plane. i couldn't believe i was doing this. how am i doing this? i knew when i sat in my seat and the plan began to prepare for departure, that i was completing a cycle of three. a cycle of relationship karma that began with my first, where we broke up on my birthday, 2016 in l.a... completing a cycle where i base my worth on another person, depend on another person, allow myself to get walked over... it was done. i asked that when i took off into the sky from the plane, the perfect line of the perfect song was playing... when i first had my breakup in l.a 2016, i was at a play to support my friend and actress. in this play, she sang a song called brave. this song, and message, got me through my first breakup. she was my rock and i swear the reason i made it through the night of that. l.a 2018, she wrote brave for a tattoo for me. we stopped talking for a while; i learned to be brave for myself. l.a 2020, the moment the plane takes off of the ground... [wool to BRAVE the seasons...] the moment you sang brave; the plane took off. a rush of feeling so proud for myself. knowing i chose me. knowing i chose a journey of self love. knowing i chose a journey of self worth. knowing i chose a journey of self empowerment. i sit here in my soul sister's apartment whilst she is cross-country, writing this. one week after i got back to Nor Cal. One week since my entire life shifted. And I am in the journey. The journey to self love, confidence, worth, empowerment, etc is not just a destination. There is a journey behind it all. It happens to contain a lot of crying. A lot of feeling. Some music. Friends. Good food. A warm coffee from the local coffee shop. Candles. Insence. Journal(S). Rest. Yoga. Meditation. Qigong. Reiki. Fuzzy socks. Oversized fluffy sweaters. Soft blankets. Stuffed animals. Books. Singing bowls. Love. And so, this is where I am. September 25th, seven months later. Wow. Writing this journey out and putting it on paper really makes me feel some things. It makes me feel fucking empowered. It makes me feel strong. It makes me feel brave. It makes me feel fearless. It makes me feel vulnerable. It makes me feel authentic. And with all authenticity, I had to be authentic with myself when I began to write this. Your music has been that constant. I have said it before, and I will say it again. Everything has always left my life but your music has always stayed. Your music has always found me in the right time in the right place. It has always supported me. You have always supported me. I was thinking back today, in a state of elevated joy allowing myself to feel happy that I got the opportunity to meet you through my life journey so far. And that... us meeting had to mean something. There is an invisable string there. There has to be a reason that during all of this your music was there for me. There has to be a reason it came to me in the time that it did. There is a reason for everything. So I write this, with a prayer that you will see this, but a surrender to the knowingness that what is meant to happen is going to happen. Also, a surrender to if anybody actually reads this! This is who I am, raw, vulnerable, authentic. I will always speak my truth, share my journey, and love Taylor Swift. Don't we all? Taylor, if you are reading this... from my soul to yours; thank you. thank you. thank you. seriously, for what you give up to be able to spread these messages via your music in such a global way. i completely see and understand what you have given up to do this. i love you. i love you. i love you. thank you for seeing me. thank you for hearing me. thank you for acknowledging me. thank you for validating me. thank you for loving me. see you next update, your friend Sarah.

[humanemotionssuck]

Hello 2021

January 2, 2021

I should’ve put these thoughts into words on the first day of the year but then again, I felt so lazy given this bed weather we are currently having. By far, I think I experienced the coldest temperature here in my hometown (21 degrees baby) and I’m sure not liking it as I prefer warm days.

I actually do not know how to start. I feel it’s necessary to check on how I am doing lately. Write the things I experienced last year and reflect on the lessons it taught me.

I could probably kick things off by remembering how 2020 started for me. I have a bad memory but I’ll try my best to recall them.

January

Broke up with J (yes this is probably one of the major and heartbreaking events happened to me). To sum it up, I realized that the relationship does not have growth anymore, and I am slowly drifting to follow my own path, which is to focus on the plans I want. I haven’t thought deeply the lessons I learned in my past relationship yet but one thing is for sure, I changed and I want to explore more of what I can do or what I’m missing out in life. Which brings me to attend seminars on how to work/study abroad. I attended a couple (e.g Fortrust Makati) and I also realized how costly it will be and I’m probably not yet ready esp. on the financial aspect.

February – March

Highlight on these months was I got back to dating apps again. I know it was a complete dick move. I haven’t moved on yet and here I am in the pool again. I met 2 guys from this app, Coffee Meets Bagel (which btw I uninstalled few months after). The first guy was the introvert but funny type and also VERY sexual. I got along with it, tried to do the deed but failed cause the guy hasn’t moved on from the ex yet. (Sucks right). And so I met this second guy and he is decent but we really had completely different personality. I believe this guy is also rich (he came from a Chinese family and I went to his house and saw the maid and his stuff). Can you also believe he already introduced me to his mom (no dad cause broken family), uncle and grandma. Pressured si ate gurl syempre cause it was really too early to do that step since we’re just dating but March was the most difficult month because…

START OF LOCKDOWN. PH was in state of panic after the government announced a nationwide lockdown due to increased COVID-19 transmission. I immediately went on a bus to the province fearing to get stuck in Manila.

April

Nah this was just a typical month. Summer vibes all over but since we cannot go to the beach we just setup an inflatable pool in the house to get soaked. I finally posted a pic wearing a swimsuit again. My stagnant IG feed came to life lmao

May

Oh boy. This month sucks so much. I got typhoid fever. Which I thought was COVID already cause my fever just won’t stop. My mom didn’t want me to get admitted in the hospital in the fear of being infected so I was hooked in the IV here in the house. I felt I was dying. I was in huge pain both physically and mentally. Which forced me to end any communication means with the second guy. He was not there when I was sick. I didn’t feel his concern even if we’re miles apart and I felt I was begging for his attention. It just won’t work. He blocked me in his socials (which is a first for me, usually I am the one who blocks lol) but given the current state I have now, I learned to accept it and chose to move forward.

June

Explored options on work/study program abroad. We got a new car (Xpander) which my father was able to purchase after borrowing money from us. That money could’ve been used for my Japan trip on December (plot twist it was cancelled due to fucking corona) but it’s okay I guess I’ll save another again.

I also got my student permit (yes I learned how to drive months after hehe)

July

THIS WAS MY BIGGEST DOWNFALL FOR THIS YEAR. There were some modifications in the quarantine and so my employer required and FORCED us to report on site in Makati despite of high number of positive cases. All I can say is SCREW THEM and I hope karma will do its thing on their business. The management.. the bosses.. they are all inconsiderate fucks for not allowing me to work at home instead. The situation forced me to resign but they chose to terminate me instead. The unemployment took its toll on my mental health, it caused me great depression and anxiety which forced me to look for distractions.. anything that will ease my mind.

Oh and btw, I bought my first laptop from hard earned money. Oh boy, it was satisfying to give myself the things my parents couldn’t afford that time I was still in school. It’s a gaming laptop and the one I’m using to type now. I absolutely love it and I used it to find online jobs later on..

I read Looking for Alaska by John Green again after watching the TV series on Hulu. Geez, this has to be my favorite book so far. The seeking of great perhaps.. which was very timely on my mood while having nothing else to do.

Lastly, TAYLOR SWIFT RELEASED A NEW ALBUM CALLED FOLKLORE. In the middle pandemic? Awesome right and this album kept me sane during this crazy and miserable month. Oh and on December, she released folklore’s sister album.. Evermore. Miss Swift saved me again with her music. This will definitely be one of the albums I will play when I’m old and gray knitting sweaters and wearing cardigan.

August

I started and finished my driving lesson in manual. JFC, I realized driving gives me a huge anxiety. One thing is for sure, I will prefer to drive automatic. Not driving that shit again.

I was still hooked with Looking for Alaska. Also purchased Subtle Art of not Giving a F*ck on the time I bought LFA.

On the other hand, I was also actively looking for new jobs this time.

September

ON SEPT. 30 I GOT HIRED! I was super happy to start on a new job. It gave me hope once again to continue on this journey called life. After almost 3 months, we are def back to business!

I also got the chance to get this Thyroid issue checked. Unfortunately, there was no major stuff going on with my thyroid. Basically, I’m perfectly healthy. What sucks is that the doctor invalidated my previous condition and said I only have ~anxiety which is the cause of my symptoms (excessive sweating and palpitations). I will seek professional help on this anxiety stuff anytime in the future.

Lastly, I played Grand Chase again and met someone in the game. Well technically we haven’t met yet but since then, I got used to talking with this guy and he is part of my daily routine now. I won’t spoil much details but as soon as this is all over, I can’t wait to meet this person :)

*cue Grand Chase soundtrack*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VoK0bAjsHoo

October

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEE! It was a typical birthday. I don’t have much realizations. If I had one, I need to think thoroughly again lol.

Busy with training on the new job and this has been the most challenging training I ever had since I started working.

NOVEMBER

WORK WORK WORK. Super stressed and my anxiety was on the roof. I thought of giving up already but then again it was too early to quit. I haven’t seen my full potential on this job yet and so I chose to keep on fighting.

I also finally got braces. Let’s get these smiles fixed.

December

WORK WORK WORK AGAIN. My work caused me a huge anxiety cause I was given high priority cases -.-But overall, I can say the holidays went great. I finally got to spend time with the family outside. Don’t worry cause we still practiced precautions and I guess it wouldn’t hurt to go out once in a while to have some fresh air. We went to the beach and pretty much that’s the highlight of this month.

Things are getting serious with this guy I’m talking about.. Seriously, he makes me happy every single day.

I also won in Christmas raffle. Oppo phone. (I have the odds in my favor when it comes to raffles lol)

Feels weird to celebrate this holiday too thinking a lot of hardships were experienced in the last few months of quarantine. I was thinking about all the lives lost by covid and hoping they are in the peaceful place now..

JANUARY (NOW)

After everything that happened, oddly the start of the year gives me a sense of hope. Sure I am still carrying the trauma 2020 gave me but I am slowly leaving all of them behind. I want a fresh start and I want to let go of the things that gave me pain. I don’t have solid resolutions just like in my teenage years. Guess I’m too old for that. Not saying it’s okay to not have plans for the future and just go with the flow but I promise to not be too hard on myself and to not pressure myself on the goals I haven’t achieved yet. It’s really a struggle to plan things ahead given the situation but as always, I will do my best. I will stop comparing my progress to somebody else’s cause everyone has their own timeline.

I will listen to my heart and my mind to determine the things I really want. I promise to reevaluate the decisions I am making each day. I will not be afraid of making mistakes because that’s how I learn.

I am embracing my anxiety of uncertainty. It’s okay to feel afraid because I am always trying on how to overcome my fear. I strive each day because I am more than just a ball of anxiety. The palpitations.. the sweating.. they don’t define me. I have the power to control them and they won’t stop me from being the better version of myself.

[loquaciousquark]

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E73 (Aug. 6, 2019)

Gooooooood evening good evening good evening all! @eponymous-rose is off packing for a cross-country move (as if THAT’S an excuse), so here I am isntead to lay waste to all you love. 

Tonight’s preroll: Sam’s costume from the liveshow getting dunked in acid.

Tonight’s guests: Laura Bailey & Sam Riegel, in a fully human and normal tshirt and jeans. Everyone oohs and ahs over Laura’s adorable live show outfit; Sam waits eagerly for equal attention. And waits, and waits...

Tonight’s announcements: Huge thanks to everyone who came out to the live show in Indy last weekend (I was there! It was great!). Laura talks about everyone singing the theme on the intro. Sam sent his entire costume back with Dani so he wouldn’t get stopped in the airport. Poor Dani! Season 3 of Between the Sheets, featuring Amanda Palmer, is up for Twitch subs now and will be up on YT on Wednesday. CR is headed to Austin, TX, for a live show on Sept. 23! Everyone talks about how Doty will definitely, definitely be in this show: The Adventures of the Darrington Brigade, ft. the return of Sam as Taryon. Sam says he already has something in mind for his costume; everyone else will be playing new characters. Laura’s got an idea for a backup character for Jester, but BWF advises her not to use this for the live show since Jester will def be dead in less than 20 episodes. Go to critrole.com/events for more.

Episode 73: Uthodurn, which is not spelled at all like I thought

CR Stats! Nott dealt 124 damage this episode, only 23 of which was friendly fire. Sam: “You know, he just needs to get out of the fucking way.” Nott rolled her 50th nat 20, resulting in a 43 stealth check. Laura and Sam quietly talk about Sam’s tendency to touch everyone else’s dice as opposed to his “playing fairly.” Sam also laments he’s lost his dustbuster in the studio somewhere after the last bit. Jester is tied with Beau at 9 for the most HDYWTDTs. Jester also played her 50th prank this episode: creating the ballpeen hammer as an offering to the Allhammer.

Laura thinks part of Jester’s new anger in battle is part of losing Yasha, especially when she disappeared right in front of her and Jester wasn’t able to help her at all. “Jester mammoth-raged.” Laura raves about being a mammoth & talks about needing to work on her elephant noise. Both Laura and Sam fail miserably at making the noise.

Sam slowly drinks a shot. It’s... a thing.

We have a close-up of Sam’s nail polish, which was done for the live show. He doesn’t own nail polish remover, it turns out.

Nott will talk to Cad about the explosive arrow whenever Cad brings it up. First, Cad was invisible & therefore at fault because he couldn’t be seen; the second part of the blame goes to Laura Bailey, who leaned over and told Sam right before his turn he had to kill this thing right now. The explosive arrow was the best thing he had; Sam accepts one part of the blame for forgetting it would be fire. Sam & Laura agree the bolt should have had some thunder/force damage associated with it because of the concussive blast. (Hilariously, my father presented this precise argument to me with GREAT VIGOR right after this episode aired.)

Jester’s call to the Traveler was just in the heat of the moment. All of her power comes from him, so Jester calls out to him (and Laura thinks it cool) when she gets a big oomph. Sam wonders aloud if her powers genuinely come from the Traveler or not. Laura: “I mean...as far as she knows.” Sam’s also distracted that the question card had a straight-up name on it rather than a username.

Sam considers the outcome of the election a win, since he’s one of the bi-Presidents of D&D Beyond until further notice. “It doesn’t matter how you get there, as long as you get there.” Laura asks if he thinks about it being a hollow win when he goes to sleep. Sam: “Do I look like the kind of person to have thoughts as I’m falling asleep?”

Nott’s usage of the pistol’s single shot was pure pettiness. Sam thought Nott had a shot because she’s acrobatic & fast & has some tricks, and he just didn’t want Beau to win. Making loud noises & drawing attention didn’t even cross my mind.

Jester was very proud of Fjord making those strength checks, but she wasn’t surprised. “He’s very strong, even though he looks like he’s not.” Laura thinks it’s funny and poetic that Travis rolled so well after ditching his sword/powers.

Travis has three sets of dice. Liam has a bunch of sets, but they’re all red (says Laura, offended). Laura only used purple dice at the live show because of how she was dressed.

Cosplay of the Week: a great Scanlan cosplay with Ioun’s third eye by @cxptaingrayson.

Sam realizes something that’s been holding back the Nott-Fjord relationship is that Nott has always been a little suspicious of Fjord. Now that he’s “talking like a real weirdo” and is still brave, braver than before, she can trust him more.

Laura’s asked about Jester’s conflict between healing & DPS. Laura: “Do you think Jester asked to be a fucking healer?” When they were deciding their characters, Laura was originally going to be a warlock with the Traveler as her patron; then Travis was like, warlock! What a cool class! Can I have it? And Laura said sure, she’ll be a cleric, that sounds cool. “And now he got rid of his fucking patron! Who knows if he’s going to be a warlock anymore? What a waste of a warlock!” She likes being a cleric--but even from Jester’s very first inception she’s always been a healer who hates healing. Brian: “She’s a battle Mercy.” She’s not regretful she healed Beau; the reason Laura didn’t immediately heal her is that she thought from Matt’s face that the remorhaz was very close to death, closer than it actually was. She confirms Jester is Chaotic Neutral.

Brian tells Laura he texted Travis to tell him Laura accused him of stealing the warlock class. Laura: “YOU DID NOT!” Brian: “You said it on the air!!”

Travis, via text to BWF, apparently in all caps: “I WAS CHANGING RONIN. YES I STOLE WARLOCK.”

Nott’s teasing of a powerless Fjord is 100% just because she thinks it’s funny. Sam: “There’s not really a deep reason to it. They tease each other all the time. Why would that change just because he tossed his sword in the lava?”

Laura needs to do research on other animals she can become since she enjoyed the mammoth (and giant eagle) so much. Sam keeps a list of flying creatures Laura can turn into because Laura struggles looking it up and often keys it into her D&D Beyond app before she’s even started. BWF: “This is uncharacteristically unselfish.” Sam: “Well, Laura is--I love her. Laura is pure harp music and I would do anything for her.”

Their environments are just getting better and better for Nott in terms of how goblins are seen. She’s given up the mask now, but it’s nice to have people look and not scream.

Both Sam & Laura pause to fan over the design of Uthodurn. It’s way cooler than either the Empire or Dynasty to them right now.

Laura points out that Nott has been fairly outgoing lately; it’s been a while since anyone said “you’re a goblin, stone her!” She’s beginning to come out of her shell as she gets used to her body (not that she likes it in any way), but it’s a development from Veth’s original shyness. She’s also drunk a lot; Sam says this will continue until he gets more Laura Bailey speeches.

BWF still has Laura’s copy of Game of Thrones, which he borrowed in 2011. Laura doesn’t listen to books on tape because she likes the inflections in her own head.

Fanart of the Week: a cool grouping of portraits of the M9 by @dylanbydoodles.

They apparently threw an election party after the D&D Beyond President reveal. Sam talks about convincing the Lyft driver on the way back that it was a swinger’s party in the most ridiculous way possible. Poor Indianapolis.

Nott & Veth’s relationship is getting very complicated. Sam says they’re beginning to blend a little together, but he’s now coming to realize there’s a part of Nott deep down that is deeply scared of going back to Veth & losing her rogue abilities, her adventuring; she wants to be herself again for sure, since her body is definitely wrong, but she’s beginning to fear the loss of some of what Nott is now.

BWF sincerely thanks Sam for the effort and thought he puts into his character. Sam sincerely thanks him. It’s a lovely moment.

Jester’s slip about Fjord’s powers was deliberate on Laura’s part but accidental on Jester’s. Everyone’s a little worried about Fjord without powers, even though he proved himself in the remorhaz fight. She thinks the slipup happened because Jester wasn’t on guard--because Fjord had done so well in the fight, she’d forgotten.

So far, Nott’s choice to leave the family behind in Nicodranus is worth it; no one’s died and they’re making headway on their goals.

BWF: “The Mighty Nein: no one’s died-ish.”

Apparently Matt owns the building they’re filming in? I missed part of this and genuinely can’t tell if it’s a joke.

BWF talks about how Liam, Matt, & Travis have all been genuinely mad at him before. Matt and Travis were mad; Liam was just disappointed.

How did Sam lose the election? He doesn’t think it’s because of him or anything he did. He thinks there’s a demographic shift in America; the electoral college hurt him; both he and Liam ran the campaigns they wanted. Liam’s was serious issues & serious passion, while Sam farted around for three months. BWF asked Adam Bradford at D&D Beyond, who’s the General Manager, about the results; apparently the pie chart was VASTLY in favor of Liam with only the tiniest sliver for Sam. Laura thinks it’s because Sam’s done nothing but troll Sam for five years and this was their chance to troll him back. Sam: “To that I say: good job.”

Dani & Max both voted for Sam. Laura didn’t vote. BWF voted for Liam. Chris forgot there was a vote. Zach voted for Liam.

Sam talks about the game they play, the app for D&D Beyond, and how the whole campaign allowed him to shine a spotlight on himself. “I didn’t get as many votes as Liam, but I got a lot of attention.”

Everyone loved this last live show. Laura legit loved wearing her dress; Travis & Liam looked great. Tal looked normal. Brian marvels at his own tattoos. He and Tal went through a lot of ideas before they committed to the bag situation--he sent it to Jaimie Alexander before the show happened so she could vet it. Ha! “Her response was 25 crying emojis and ‘please send this to my boyfriend.’“

Reminder: Mica Burton, Overwatch League host (and daughter of Levar Burton), will be guest-starring on Critical Role this coming Thursday.

And we’re out! Is it Thursday yet?

[x5red]

Five frequently asked Supergirl CW questions...

...and possible answers from the comics

Check social media. Read the forums. Scroll through the Subreddits. There are some questions that just refuse to go away. Time and time again fans of the CW’s Supergirl show keep asking the same old questions: How does she hide her costume? Who is stronger? Why does nobody recognise her?

Likely the questions will continue to be asked long after Melissa Benoist has hung up her cape on the final episode, but just for fun it might be interesting to take a meander through the 60+ years of Supergirl’s adventures in print, to see how successful the comics were at addressing the tv show’s most quizzed quirks.

Covered herein:

How does Supergirl fit her costume under her everyday clothes?

Why does nobody recognise that Kara Danvers is just Supergirl with glasses?

Is Supergirl more powerful than Superman?

How did Kara get her ears pierced?

How come nobody connects the name Kara Danvers with Kara Zor-El?

It’s roughly a ten minute read, peppered with interesting Supergirl pictures. Enjoy...

#1 -- How does Supergirl fit her costume under her everyday clothes?

The modern tv incarnation of Supergirl seems uncertain as to whether Supergirl’s costume uses a futuristic (and budget depleting) nano-tech solution, or a classic (and cheap) costume-under-clothes trick. Traditionally, with the exception of Matrix’s brief shape-shifting stint in the job, the comicbook Supergirl has tended to favour the latter tactic, prompting fans to ask how her costume fits under her street clothes. The first such query to reach the DC letters pages was from reader Helen Silberman of Irvington NY. In Action Comic #263 (March 1960), Helen wrote:

Dear Editor, I like SUPERGIRL very much. She is my favorite feature. But I often wonder how she conceals the long sleeves on her costume when she wears a short~sleeved dress as Linda Lee.

Acknowledging that this was a common question, editor Mort Weisinger explained that Supergirl’s super costume is super flexible.: “She merely keeps the sleeves rolled up.” This was confirmed inside the strip itself when Action Comics #342 (Oct 1966) saw Linda referencing the costume hidden under her t-shirt, and an editorial caption handily adds “Linda has rolled up the long sleeves of her super-flexible costume.”

But, respond the fans, what about her boots?

Since the Silver Age, Superman has adopted the practice of stashing his Clark Kent attire as a super-compressed parcel inside a hidden pocket in the inner lining of his cape. Various stories confirm that Supergirl does the same, and visual proof of this came in The Daring New Adventures of Superman #5 (May 1983), when she is seen reclaiming her dress from the pocket. Presumably the same pouch could hide her boots when dressed in her everyday identity?

Okay, so the boots are super-compressed inside the cape, but what about the cape itself?

This is where things start to get a little problematic.

There’s plenty of mid-transformation frames stretching back as far as Supergirl’s early Silver Age antics depicting her wearing her cape underneath her regular clothes. How she does this seems never to be explained, so we probably have to chalk this one up to a comicbook trope that readers (and now the tv viewers) just have to accept.

#2 -- Why does nobody recognise that Kara Danvers is just Supergirl with glasses?

Supergirl has adopted various means of masking her true identity down the years. The tv Supergirl hides behind a pair of glasses; her comicbook counterparts have variously used wigs, special molecule-rearranging hair dyes, shape-shifting, and advanced DEO technologies. None of these, with the exception of Matrix’s ability to shape-shift into Linda Danvers, really stands the real-world credibility test.

The problem here is that the comicbook superhero genre has its origins in a more simplistic storytelling age, were the application of just a pair of glasses, or a wig, or a fake moustache, was sufficient to create a false identity. There’s countless examples from Superman’s early decades of Lois Lane fooling the Man of Steel with just the application of a wig, and indeed the epic Silver Age tale that first revealed Supergirl’s existence to the world hangs on evil Kandorian scientist, Lesla Lar,successfully fooling Superman into believing she is Kara Zor-El by just rearranging her hair.

One can argue that Kara’s use of a wig is potentially a better disguise than Kal-El’s glasses and change of posture, but ultimately both methods have severe limitations. Research conducted by the universities of York and Huddersfield (UK) suggested that while some disguises (makeup, wigs, etc.) are effective at hiding a person’s identity, the effectiveness drops if the subject is known to the person doing the identifying. As such, in the real world, neither Clark nor Kara would stand a chance of fooling their friends and colleagues.

In Superman #330 (Dec 1978) there was a half-hearted attempt to address the problem by suggesting that the Kryptonian glass used in Clark’s eye-wear boosts a subconscious super-hypnotises power, projecting an image of Clark as feeble, but this created more problems than it solved. What happened when Clark anchored the WGBS News on tv; and how did Linda Danvers get by without any Kryptonian face furniture? So, sadly, the comics don’t really provide much of an answer -- we must write the problem off as a relic from a bygone storytelling era, that modern audiences just have to accept as part of the established baggage that comes with superheroes.

#3 -- Is Supergirl more powerful than Superman?

Although both Superman and Supergirl have Kryptonian origins, their route to Earth was markedly different. Kal-El arrived as an infant, while Kara didn’t arrive until her teenage years. Fans (at least those who have wont to obsess over such matters) have therefore speculated about how this affected their power levels.

When Supergirl first appeared in comics it became clear early on that Kal-El and Kara Zor-El had identical superpowers. There isn’t a direct comparison of the two cousins -- they never went head to head -- but DC’s writers certainly seemed to adopt the principle that any super-feats that Superman could do, Supergirl could do just as well.

That said, during Supergirl’s long history there have been periods when the power balance has clearly shifted. For example, it is reasonable to assume that the Matrix Supergirl (both pre and post merger with Linda Danvers in Volume 4) was less powerful than the Man of Steel. Indeed in the latter part of Volume 4 -- the period when Supergirl sported a white t-shirt and gloves -- she was significantly de-powered, even losing the ability to fly.

Likewise from Adventure Comics #402 to #423 (Feb 1971 to Sep 1972) the Girl of Steel had intermittent issues with her superpowers, thanks to the effects of a drug concocted by super-villain Starfire. At inopportune moments her powers would fail her entirely, resulting in Kara relying on various gadgets developed in the Bottle City of Kandor as a backup.

But wait a moment... because the balance of power hasn’t always shifted in favour of Superman.

During this Bronze Age period Superman also had issues with his powers. As part of a shake-up of the character, editor Julius Schwartz instigated a story running across Superman #240 to #242 (July to Sept 1971) that saw Superman lose a third of his power levels... permanently(!!) This was part of Schwartz’s plan to curb some of the silly excesses of Silver Age. Some fans have noted, however, that the Girl of Steel’s power loss was only intermittent, and eventually the effects of Starfire’s drug wore off entirely, so in September 1972 she technically became 50% more powerful than her cousin.

#4 -- How did Kara get her ears pierced?

Since the tv show began fans have been asking about how Kara could have pierced her earlobes of steel. It is clear from the opening moments of the pilot episode that Malina Weissman’s young Kara doesn’t appear to have any piercings when departing the dying Krypton, yet when the episode skips forward a decade to Melissa Benoist’s twenty-something Kara, she clearly does.

Show creator and producer, Ali Adler, responded to a fan’s tweeted question by suggesting that Kara had her ears done “At the mall on #krypton”, which is a fun answer, but doesn’t seem to concur with the pilot. So is there an explanation from deep within comicbook lore?

Yes. (Probably!)

The most likely explanation is that Kara used her heat vision and a mirror to burn the holes into her own earlobes. Since the early Golden Age era it has been established that Superman is strong enough to piece his own skin with his fingernails, allowing him to give a blood sample. Editors initially responded to inquiries about how Superman shaved or cut his hair and nails by suggesting that these parts of his anatomy didn’t grow under Earth’s sun. But eventually, as Superman spent more time on alien planets, they devised more creative solutions -- the heat vision haircut was one of them.

In the comics, Injustice 2 #21 (May, 2018) finally let readers see Supergirl (at least a version of Supergirl) using heat vision to cut her hair. Meanwhile the tv show had already treated viewers to Kara giving a super-trim to Mon-El’s mop in episode 2x05 - “Crossfire” (okay, so he was a Daxamite not a Kryptonian, but hey, same difference!) This suggests that Kara’s invulnerability can be defeated by her own powers in the tv universe, just like the comics, so a piercing blast from her eyes rather than a trip to the mall is probably the most satisfying answer.

#5 -- How come nobody connects the name Kara Danvers with Kara Zor-El?

It may be a small problem, but it’s one that clearly bugs some viewers. Kara Danvers not only has the same first name as Kara Zor-El, but she also pronounces it in the same distinctively European way -- “Kar-ah” not “Care-ah” (despite what Cat Grant may want us to think.)

How does she get away with this?

In the comics this generally hasn’t been a problem. Prior to the Melissa Benoist tv show, Supergirl had been known as Linda (Linda Lee, Linda Lang, Linda Danvers), or as Mae (short for Matrix), or briefly as Claire Connor. Only Kara Kent, the Supergirl of the cartoon show, Superman: the Animated Series (1996), had stuck with her Kryptonian first name. This changed in 2016, however, when DC adopted many of the tv Supergirl elements into its comicbooks, including the Kara Danvers secret identity.

Up until the tv show’s fourth season it could be argued that Benoist’s Supergirl had been very careful never to make her birth-name public, so there was little opportunity for anyone to link her two personas. But that changed in episode 4x14 - “Stand and Deliver”, when Kara can clearly be heard announcing herself as “Kara Zor-El, citizen of Earth” at a public protest, as a crowd watches. So very likely, after that incident, the Maid of Might’s Kryptonian name was plastered all over social media, and given Kara Danvers’ high profile as an award-winning journalist, we’re no closer to explaining why an army of armchair sleuths on Facebook or Reddit haven’t connected the two women.

Sadly the comics can’t really answer this Kara conundrum, because it is a problem largely of the tv show’s own making. Perhaps the only solution is to ignore episode 4x14 and assume that everyone in National City (aside from the regular cast) live in blissful ignorance of Supergirl’s Krypton name.

Conclusion

So it’s a mixed bag of success and failure. The comics provide answers to some problems, but come up empty handed for others. But perhaps we shouldn’t be too disheartened. Sure, it may be fun to devise answers to the quirks and oddities of the tv show, but ultimately it won’t stop fans from asking the same questions time and time again. The sillier aspects of superheroes are part of the genre’s charm, and trying to devise clever ways of explaining away the wackier elements is all part of the fun.

Hopefully you found the above an entertaining and informative read, but the five proffered answers shouldn’t discourage anyone from dreaming up their own explanations -- after all, these questions aren’t really properly answered until the tv show’s writers choose to answer them.

Until then, we can all have fun speculating.