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[hyper-fixated-princess]

I’m at the point where I’m not sure if what I know is actually canon or if it was something I read in an emotionally wrecking one shot on the Ao3 at 04:13 am

[partfae]

Sauron, Galadriel, & Tolkien's Theology of Repentance - Part One

Summary: Character meta analysis on Sauron (and Galadriel, through the lens of Sauron). Based on both Silmarillion & RoP canon. 3.5k words. Discussion of Catholic theology involved. Blanket TW for discussion of violence, manipulation, etc., because Sauron. Spoilers for S1 & S2 and the Silmarillion, of course. The tragedy of Sauron is that he gets offered so many legitimate chances at redemption and forgiveness, and he denies them every single time. But we know he wants absolution, because that’s what he sees Galadriel as: his chance to bind himself back to the light, to be Mairon again, to heal the pain that he caused and that was caused to him under Morgoth. But because he has such a warped view of himself and his actions, he dismisses genuine extensions of compassion, forgiveness, and care as simultaneously beneath him and too good for him. And yet, he still pursues redemption, but through none of the channels offered to him.

In The Rings of Power, he’s given the explicit instruction to change for the good in the village after he’s reborn. He’s given the chance leave his past behind and work meaningfully in Númenor. He’s given the chance to redeem himself by Galadriel's offer of friendship (or love, depending on your interpretation). In the Silmarillion, he's even given the chance by Eönwë himself, and comes close to leaving Morgoth behind completely!

Let's look at this passage from Of the Rings of Power and the Third Age (emphasis mine):

When Thangorodrim was broken and Morgoth overthrown, Sauron put on his fair hue again and did obeisance to Eönwë the herald of Manwë, and abjured all his evil deeds. And some hold that this was not at first falsely done, but that Sauron in truth repented, if only out of fear, being dismayed by the fall of Morgoth and the great wrath of the Lords of the West. But it was not in the power of Eönwë to pardon those of his own order, and he commanded Sauron to return to Aman and there receive the judgement of Manwë. Then Sauron was ashamed, and he was unwilling to return in humiliation to receive from the Valar a sentence, it might be, of long servitude in proof of his good faith; for under Morgoth his power had been great. Therefore when Eönwë departed he hid himself in Middle-earth; and he fell back into evil, for the bonds that Morgoth had laid upon him were very strong.

This passage is clear that Eönwë is willing to pardon Sauron--he simply did not posses the power to do so. But when Sauron was told he must appeal directly Manwë, he gave up entirely and skulked back to Middle-earth. There are a few ways to read this:

1. He was not wholly repentant

Sauron simply wanted the protection of a new master in the absence of Melkor. i.e., he was rather fickle and simply wanted to be on whatever the "winning" side was. This is supported by the text literally saying that at least some of his obeisance was completely false, and that he only made a point of feeling bad about anything once his master had been chucked into the Void and his armies and strongholds were being destroyed (Thangorodrim). In this reading, perhaps Eönwë saw Sauron's treachery and referred him to Manwë knowing that it would be a test of his true intent. However, while a valid interpretation, I believe this to be the less holistic of the two.

2. He was truly repentant

Sauron did truly feel badly and "abjured all his evil deeds," but he was unwilling/unable to humble himself after being so fundamentally broken by Melkor and developing an insatiable power lust (hey, he isn't defined in the narrative by lust and pride for nothing).

Earlier in this same chapter, Tolkien wrote that Sauron could "...deceive all but the most wary." This is in the specific context of his physical shapeshifting. But, I would argue that this can also be tied to his lies. Tolkien has a specific ethic of beauty, where physical perfection is equated with moral goodness. Sauron completely inverts what is otherwise a hard and fast rule within Tolkien's writings by being the character most frequently described as "fair"--seven times to Lúthien's six, and she was the most beautiful woman to have ever lived!

(Side note: I have another post on Tolkien & beauty in the works where I'll get more into this idea)

Why does this matter? Even though this interaction with Eönwë takes place in the First Age, Sauron could at this point be in the demonic form Mirdania describes in the forge. And, I am inclined to believe that Eönwë, as the head Maiar and herald of Manwë, would be a pretty wary guy, and thus able to sense any of Sauron's trickery. I read this to mean that Eönwë looked at Sauron and saw his potential to be Mairon again, either in absence of his evil form or in spite of it.

Because Sauron is incredibly beautiful. And even if it is a disguise of the true, depreciated form of his spiritual essence, he presented himself to Eönwë at his most beautiful. He wanted, even in his act of repentance, to make himself more favorable in Eönwë's eyes. To show up as Mairon (who was likely close friends with Eönwë before everything went down, since they are considered to be two of the most powerful Maia and would have worked closely together).

But I don't think this was all manipulation on Sauron's end. I agree with the scholars mentioned in the text who believed that Sauron was truly repentant--which is why Eönwë even bothered referring him to Manwë instead of kicking him into the Void with Melkor.

And this is the tragedy: Sauron is told exactly how to repent, and believes fundamentally that it is an impossible path for him. And yet, he still longs so intrinsically for it! He was, under Aulë, a Maia of precision, perfection, and order. Under Morgoth, he feels disordered, dis-regulated. He needs to correct the fundamental imbalance within him, so why does he flee Eönwë?

It comes back to Sauron's pride.

If he follows through with this path of reconciliation, there is no way he can hide or pretend his actions away. If he cannot trick his fellow Maiar, he certainly cannot trick the Valar. And he cannot stand the idea of submitting himself back under their rule, especially now that he has tasted power. This is a pride wound; it is why the idea of confessing to Manwë would be humiliating to him as opposed to just upsetting/uncomfortable.

Again, the pivotal moment: he is told how to make amends for crimes and determines that he cannot do it. So he returns to Middle-earth and stews in his own self-hated and self-pity for a few years. In that time, he consciously or subconsciously latches onto Eönwë's offer--forgiveness from penance. It is the way forward. And if he cannot earn penance at Manwë's hand, he will do it on his own.

The Prodigal Son

This is where we have to talk about the Catholic roots of Tolkien's work for a moment. The scene where Sauron approaches Eönwë mirrors the biblical parable of the prodigal son. In this story, a man abandons his family, spends all his money, and falls into ruin. But when he recognizes his failings and returns to his father to get help, he is welcomed back into the family without question--in other words, he is forgiven and restored to his former position.

17 But when he [the prodigal son] came to himself he said, “How many of my father’s hired hands have bread enough and to spare, but here I am dying of hunger! 18 I will get up and go to my father, and I will say to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you; 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; treat me like one of your hired hands.’” 20 So he set off and went to his father. But while he was still far off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion; he ran and put his arms around him and kissed him. - Luke 15:11-32, NRSV CE (emphasis mine)

The parallel is clear; Mairon, the repentant Maia, returns home with hopes of reconciliation. He is prescribed the same task that the prodigal son offered to his father: he must be bound in servitude to his father/creator in order to pay off his debts. This is a deliberate allusion from Tolkien. The story of the prodigal son models the path of reconciliation that Eönwë describes. Tolkien seems to be drawing a line in the sand with this: Sauron is unwilling to do the work required by the Valar for repentance, so he is unable to receive the grace of a warm welcome back into the fold of the Ainur. Since he did not humble himself, he has to be told to do it. And he does not want to! He wants to be loved, but he also wants his power--evidence, in a way, of how his character was fundamentally altered in his time with Morgoth.

His pride--and his fear--cut him off from the potential of grace. He does not know for certain that Manwë would subject him to servitude (though I would argue that it's textually evident that it is a custom), but this assumption leads him to flee, which allows him to slip back into his old ways.

He wants to be Mairon (admirable) again, not Sauron (abhorrent). He wants to be accepted and loved, but not punished. He wants the benefits of reconciliation without the work he would have to do to earn it or the shame he would feel as he did. It's pride, but it's also deep shame--the flip side of his extreme ego is an implicit self-hatred, one that we can see in the subtext of how he speaks about himself and about his time with Morgoth.

Even the language Tolkien uses is heavily shame-coded, especially in a Catholic context; Mairon did not go willingly, he was "seduced." He admits to Celebrimbor that he was "tortured by a god". It becomes exceedingly clear through both text and on-screen canon that Sauron was routinely broken and abused for centuries. This has fundamentally damaged his self-perception, which is ultimately what leads him to "[fall] back into evil"--whether due to pride or shame, he hides, perhaps because he consciously or subconsciously does not believe that he deserves forgiveness, no matter how much he craves it.

Naked in the Garden

His flight back to Middle-earth after meeting Eönwë is reminiscent of another biblical scene, where Adam and Eve, after committing the first sin, hide from God in shame and fear (emphasis mine):

7 Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked...9 But the Lord God called to the man, and said to him, “Where are you?” 10 He said, “I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.” -Genesis 7-10, NRSV CE

The image of nakedness is, here, one of vulnerability, and Tolkien establishes that Sauron fears that which he cannot control. He needs the Rings under his power. He needs his armies and his enemies under his watchful eye. He is petrified of letting his power slip away (possibly due to never wanting to feel powerless in the hands of a Vala, fallen or not, again).

The biblical allusion here hearkens back to the fear Tolkien describes Sauron as feeling regarding his return to the Ainur. In the religious system Tolkien has established, which is likely inspired by his own religious beliefs, Sauron has sinned, and must make penance. But he is afraid of God/Manwë, and does not want to "let go" of his sin. In other words, he is not truly repentant. This reflects the Catholic sacrament of confession, which requires self-reflection and resolve to never commit the sin again.

Instead of shame driving him to contrition, it drives him to isolation.

But he still wants forgiveness. So, in his years of hiding in Middle-earth, he decides to earn it himself. His own way.

Enter the Rings.

Sauron wants to perfect the wrong he wreaked so that he can both earn his way back into the Ainur and keep his power. But what he does not realize is that this does not work. Eönwë is clear that he must forsake his true temptation--absolute power--through penance by submission. Yet Sauron in his pride thinks he can have it all. Sauron is a very carefully controlled villain, and the only times he snaps or makes significant mistakes are when his inflated self-perception is challenged, revealing the self-loathing and/or self-pity underneath. The best example of this is when he kills Celebrimbor prematurely, and cries afterwards. Why? Because Celebrimbor was right about him, and he hates it. He hates knowing that he is nothing more than the Morgoth's shadow, because Morgoth was his master as much as he was his tormentor. As Sauron puts it, his relationship with Morgoth was often defined by pain as a test to see "whose will was the mightier":

This image carries more shame, both in its implicit sexual connotations and in the simple power dynamic of it. Sauron, even though misguided, is rallying against Morgoth. He wants to break what Morgoth has created and build something new, something better, something apart from his old master entirely. But Celebrimbor confronts him with reality: he has not created something new, and perfect, and special, as he so wanted to--he can only act in imitation, not in generation. And when he got close with the Rings, it cost him everything. It's almost like he wants the power of a Vala, and loathes that he cannot attain it.

And this is why he becomes so singularly obsessed with Galadriel.

She’s his foil. They both crave power and adoration, but in the end of things, she does not fold under his temptation. She turns down everything she has ever wanted for the greater good and for the sake of her own soul. Sauron looks at Galadriel and perceives that she would have succeeded at Eönwë's test because she is willing and able to humble herself. This maddens him to the point of both desiring her and desiring to break her.

She learns that she is easily tempted and becomes strong enough to handle it (through a lot of tough love from Elrond & co.). She has to learn how to do it, but she is able to.

She grows from someone who resisted and rejected authority to someone who is trusted as an authority because of her ability to wield it wisely (see: Gil-galad allowing her to answer for him in 2x08).

In other words, she earns the trust, love, and support of her community. Sauron has to force his to comply—it is an illusion of love.

His possessive obsession with her also stems from her fairness. She was the object of her uncle Fëanor's obsessive desire for creation as well. Her hair was the inspiration of the Silmarils (see: The History of Galadriel and Celeborn; The Shibboleth of Fëanor - source with page #s here), which Morgoth desired more than anything to possess.

Sauron, wanting to spite his master, wants one better--to own that which inspired the Silmarils, to own the image of fairness (and thus of moral good) completely. This is why he wants to bind himself to her. This is why he needs her. He sees Galadriel as his mechanism of repentance, and his last triumph over Morgoth. Winning her is his salvation as much as it is proving that his will is the mightier. It is his way of dominating Morgoth. This starts, I think, as a genuine effort at proving himself to the Valar, but quickly consumes him entirely. He is overcome with the desire for revenge, just as Galadriel was at the beginning of the First Age.

And he sees this in her. Sees their similarities. Sees that she, too, is angry and lonely and so afraid of losing her power. And he leverages that to befriend her. This is where it gets ambiguous and you can read RoP as either painting the image of Sauron being earnest but completely misguided in his proposal, or you can see it as him being entirely manipulative.

I think the truth of that scene probably falls somewhere in the middle; just like when he presents himself to Eönwë, he is sincere in his desire, but only knows how to present it in an inherently contriving way. He does want to bind her to him, so he tries to only reveal to her the good aspect of that desire (and also of his desire for power, which he allows her to see because he believes that it is good and also because she understands it), and not the ugly underside of his internal struggle against Morgoth, the Valar, and himself.

And I do think, in his own way, he cared about her. Galadriel consistently shows kindness and compassion to him. In S1, they grow to know each other's minds and souls, and she considers him a close friend. He finds comfort in this, that someone could see the blackness of his heart and care for him anyway. He thought, in his isolation, that he lost that chance when he fled back to Middle-earth. And here is the very picture of the light itself telling him that she supports him, that she sees the good in him, that she wants to help him set the world to rights! Of course he is infatuated by this. Of course he also wants to use it. He is Sauron.

But Galadriel succeeds where he fails, so he stops playing nice and tries to forcibly drag her down with him. First, by baiting her with the image of the man she cared deeply for:

Then, by reminding her of all she is losing by rejecting him:

And she is still strong enough to say no. And not just to say no, but to shut the door completely. To look in the face of everything she has desired for centuries and turn it down, understanding that it will ruin her. Yes, she hesitates. Yes, she still wants it (wants him). But she wins the day by holding fast to the light that Sauron wishes so badly to bind himself to.

Because she has lost everything--her brother, her husband, the station as commander, the trust of her high king and best friend--and earns it back only through her resistance of her greatest temptation. It is a struggle, it is painful, it nearly kills her--but she does it. She wins the test that Sauron could not even bear to face.

In their headlong, self-sacrificial tendencies, they are the same. Both view themselves as fundamentally stronger/better than their peers while also being deeply lonely due to their self-imposed isolation (Galadriel's laser-focused hunt for revenge, Sauron's exile in Middle-earth). But to Galadriel, the light is more important than her pride.

For Sauron, the light is his source of pride. He desires it more than anything, but condemns himself to never being able to touch it due to his rejection of Eönwë's offer. Paradoxically, he tries to grasp at it through Galadriel, the living silmaril, and succeeds only in darkening her. We learn from Gil-galad in 2x08 that his crown piercing her flesh in an act of brutal domination nearly strips her soul from her and pitches it into the unseen world. In this, Sauron is saying: If I cannot have you, I will force you to need me. I will break you into loving me.

He says this to Celebrimbor as well. He no longer knows how to love properly. He only knows how to inflict pain until this object of his obessive desire needs him--just like how his immortal spirit was broken into submission by Morgoth. And isn't this revealing of his own sense of self? He refuses to suffer the path of light, but willingly suffers the maddening path of darkness because it is a comfortable, familiar suffering. One, he tells Celebrimbor, he even grew to enjoy (2x08). As the path of the Rings drive him madder and madder, his desire for the light (Galadriel) and the return of his power (Celebrimbor) become further disordered and corrupted until they culminate in him destroying them--and his chance at earning/owning them--entirely.

And this is Sauron's ultimate point of no return (which we will hopefully see in S3 🤞). The razing of Eregion and slaying of Celebrimbor were acts of petty rage he committed when his pride was injured. This was the final nail in the coffin. Galadriel, in her rejection of him, ruins what he sees as his true chance for redemption.

Galadriel, now stepping into the role of Eönwë, re-opens the invitation: "Heal yourself!" (2x08). But in rage and shame and stubborn pride, he turns it down again. I believe this is where his desire to heal Middle-earth shifts fundamentally into desire to dominate Middle-earth. He always wanted to rule, but now he wants to own.

[fyoht]

season 2 + nods to 'crowley was raphael' truthers

[justaz]

merlin being forced to confront the fact that he’s failing his people bc he’s sitting idly by while uther slaughters them all and coming to the decision that he has to act to save them but that’ll make him camelot enemy no. 1 but technically he already was they just didn’t know it. merlin spending a week all morose but unwilling to talk about it and spending as much time with his friends as possible. on his last night in camelot, he goes to arthur’s chambers and the prince is confused on why he’s there. merlin drops a sealed letter on his desk before pulling arthur into a gentle and emotional kiss. they barely separate, their lips hardly a breath apart, and merlin asks for forgiveness. arthur, thinking he’s apologizing for the kiss, tells him there’s nothing to forgive and goes in for a second kiss but merlin pulls away, knowing that that one brief kiss was all he could handle. if he lets arthur kiss him the way he’s dreamt of being kissed, he won’t be able to do what he needs to do, he won’t be able to leave. merlin tells him good night and leaves before arthur can react. he’s gone by dawn.

[ind1c0lite]

Being a menace to ur partner and stealing his glasses <33

[snowpetrichor]

Reunited at Last

I’ve written my own fanfics over the years, but I’ve never had the guts to post anything… I’ve finally decided to change that! This is a snippet from a DAV rewrite I'm working on. The scene is supposed to be in act 3 so I wouldn't have written it for a while, but I found myself daydreaming about it and I had to get it out of my system with a drabble.

I figured I’d take a chance and share it with my fellow solavellans. :)

Word count: 754

· · ─ ·𖥸· ─ · ·

Ellana reached out a hand to wipe away the tears that had already begun to fall down his cheeks. The caress was feather-light, but waves of emotion shone in her eyes, and Solas felt something in him snap. He surged forward to catch her waist and held onto her like a drowning man might grasp a buoy. The strength of his love for her always seemed to send him reeling. Ellana stiffened, a surprised noise escaping her, but soon enough her hand came to rest on the back of his head.

Even in their years apart, whenever he caught a hint of lavender on the wind or tasted honey on his tongue, he was reminded of the fragrance she wore – spring flowers distilled to a sugar-sweet perfume. The Dalish had to make do with the tidings that nature offered them, so Ellana had learned to craft the scent herself. It was soft and fresh and so unique to her. Now, that sweetness seemed as if it would overtake him. His world narrowed to her touch, her warmth, and her heartbeat. Solas twined his fingers with hers and quietly wept for all that they had endured.

From the outside, the whole thing would have looked rather awkward – even sitting on the bed, Solas was still much taller than his heart, and he bowed to hold her in his arms. But there was nobody there to judge, and he wouldn’t have cared much anyway. He whispered her name over and over, uttering endearments like a prayer.

Vhenan, my heart, my love.

Ellana, Ellana, Ellana.

Oh. He almost never used her given name. She had first been Inquisitor, later vhenan, but never Ellana. Its soft syllables had only fallen from his lips once, and that thought brought a rush of unbidden memories. On her knees in front of a mirror, his desperate eyes searching hers before that final goodbye. One last kiss to give her strength for the years to come. She strongly suspected that he lost himself to grief in those moments after he went through the eluvian, and it tortured her to know that he shouldered such a burden alone for so long. Ellana lowered herself to sit by his side, wrapping her arms around him as he buried his face in the crook of her neck. A moment passed in gentle silence.

“Ir abelas, vhenan,” he sighed. “Despite everything, that you still stand by my side is…” Solas trailed off, seemingly lost for words as his gaze grew downcast. Ellana pulled back to study him. She cupped his cheek in her palm, turning his face back towards her.

“Emma lath, you remember my promise, don’t you? Var lath vir suledin.” She tried for a smile even as her voice wobbled; she tasted the salt of her own tears on her lips and realized absently that she had started to cry.

“You are my home, Solas. You have been since the very first moment I met you.” Ellana guided his hand to her breast, holding it softly against her heart. “So long as my heart beats, I will stand by your side.”

His chest was tight with emotion. There was pain – the pain of realizing that he could have spent the last decade in her arms if he so chose, the pain of living with a lifetime of sins, and the pain that came as he acknowledged how alone he had truly been. But there was also love. So, so much love. He was finally free to live as himself – as Solas – and there were no words to express the torrent of feelings that danced within him. He wanted to weave stories in her ears and share the wisdom that he knew would enrapture her. He wanted to take her in his arms, tangling their forms together until time fell away. He wanted to bare himself to her, to show her his soul, his spirit, and witness hers in turn.

He wanted to give her the world, but the world was no longer his to give.

So instead, Solas pulled her down to lie by his side. They breathed together and wiped away each other’s tears. Ellana pressed her forehead to his and he weaved a hand into her hair, cradling each other as they let the tides of the Fade take them. There would be plenty of time for more passionate embraces down the line, but for now, it was enough for two tired souls to exist as one, reunited at last.

[nress]

Its him!!

(outfit by @/se3s1de (this post))

[chasedeys]

hi hello i keep thinking about joemarr being fwb at lsu but it never turns into anything until they’re playing together on the bengals and they’re a little older and more mature. but when they think too much about what their relationship is they realize they’ve been in love this entire time and neither of them want to be the one to admit it </3

oh hellooo!!!! this is sooo??? i would love!!!!! to hear more of your thoughts on this fwb au!!!!!! insane little tidbit of them not realizing they're actually together are you in my headddd are you planning on writing a fic?? please say yes 🫶

i have. so many thoughts. on fwb joemarr 😔 and all of it is angst. which i don't write. but just the way i have this in my drafts 😭 please don't ask why i never actually reblogged it

i know i said i have thoughts on this fwb au but in all honesty it's very jumbled it's a mess it's unfinished it has a beginning and a little point in the middle and literally no end. but i'd like to expand on it anyway! so:

like 20% knowledge of their lsu timeline sorry (i wish i knew more of their roster btw :(( this would make writing this entire thing easier and more detailed) but midway through their undefeated season when they're finally getting way more comfortable outside of the field, a post-game party in one of the seniors' house, drinking, partying etc, they weren't exactly attached at the hip that time yk still slowly learning how to be friends instead of just teammates, learning how to joke with each other, learning what makes the other tick etc. they end up seated together at a table with the rest of the guys, table small enough and crowded enough they're pressed right up against one another but it's casual you know they're bros completely normal to have your arms touching as you yell at one of the guys to chug etc etc. they just end up staying close the whole time—yapping at one another, jeering at others together, ganging up on justin that one time, weirdly sharing personal things with each other in the middle of a crowd when no one was paying attention to them, smiling at each other dopily for a weirdly long time like for some strange reason, that night they clicked in ways never before outside of the field?? like that moment ja'marr said they both clicked on the field for the first time ever, but this time in the middle of someone's dining room, pressed ankles to shoulders to each other, also in the middle of the loud cheers of their teammates, breath seemingly in one space from how close they were together.

the crowd dwindles but they stick close together, joe has his arm around ja'marr like he usually does at times when his adrenaline is high but this time it's just because he just wants to (not that he fully understands why), ja'marr is quiet because he's sleepy so he just follows wherever joe is dragging him, and they're walking out the house with some of the guys, someone is singing ballads loudly and incoherently for some reason, and joe's house is close by, so they stop there and ja'marr is just following in like a dumbass because he's so fucking buzzed but he feels safe with his quarterback so who gives a shit if he's intruding. none of the other really say anything because, hey why not their star qb and their little wide receiver seem like they'd follow the other anywhere really at this point so have at it. and they're hollering the two goodbye as they walk away and now joe and ja'marr are just alone together in joe's modest little rental and it's quiet and comfy and they're grinning at each other dopily for the nth time and then somehow the most natural progression for them is for joe to offer ja'marr the bed and ja'marr to scoff and say they should just share like hell either of them is fucking up their back on the shitty couch and then they're brushing their teeth in joe's modest bathroom side-by-side and joe is offering him some sweats and a t-shirt to sleep in and ja'marr is just staring blankly down at the faded spongebob t-shirt handed to him while joe is rambling at him how he has just one pillow so do you want to rock paper scissors this or—they kiss 🤗

like you could say ja'marr dropped the t-shirt and stepped right into joe's space and kissed him or you could say joe trailed off mid-sentence because he got so fucking distracted by his wr being shirtless in his bedroom in his sweats staring down at his shirt with those stupid lashes that he reached out an arm to reel him in to kiss him or you could say they just decided right then right there they wanted the other in no other way than like that that they both did the stupidest thing they could possibly do mid-season and kiss their teammate and undress them and shove them toward the bed and climb on top of them and grind down against them and—

they completely blacked out unfortunately for their first time 😔 joe woke up first with his face tucked into ja'marr's neck and he groggily untangles himself without clocking how or why they're like this and he sits up and looks blankly down at ja'marr spread eagle snoring in his bed wearing nothing that he could see and covered in bitemarks and promptly untangles himself away from the bed and out the door and into his bathroom to freak the fuck out by himself. got himself together somehow and starts making pancakes (? does he cook. i don't actually know.) because fuck if this ruins anything between them or their chances of winning the natty his one-track-minded-ness and sheer determination to win saves them tbh. ja'marr wakes up alone but joe's clanging pans in the kitchen so he knows damn well someone's outside and he knows this is joe's bedroom and all those clothes strewn around is both of theirs and the splitting headache and sore everything doesn't stop him from realizing that holy fuck they slept together. frantically tugging yesterday's clothes on, panic mounting like crazy, probably crying too, and stopping right in front of the closed door with his head pressed against the wood feeling like everything is falling apart. he musters up the courage to walk out anyway and he can't read joe as well as he does now while joe's putting up a frigid front through sheer stubbornness when he's also freaking the fuck out inside especially when he comes face to face with an ashen-faced ja'marr clearly crying too.

there should be like more after this like hooking up only sometimes, growing closer and attributing it to how they're also fucking now but is it really all there is to it. they completely sidestep that initial awkwardness because what else could they do they got a game to win a championship to get to. they get sooooo much better on the field making each other look stupid good etc etc. and throughout this shit show of sleeping with each other they have talked about it just once and that was to say 'I don't think im gay but' and how there's 'no harm' in continuing the way they do. yeah.

things come to a stop after the natty of course, they don't see each other as often because joe's getting ready for his combine (?????) etc i don't actually know what goes on after tbh but basically they grow apart, joe moves out of nola back to ohio, gets into cincy, gets injured, etc. i think i could add like more to this entire arc (?? what fucking arc) but no thoughts rn tbh. oh but this little period is also where they come to terms with their sexuality!! being apart for a whole year, learning how to be somebody without the other, exploring other options, settling firmer on who they are, etc.

ja'marr gets into bengals, and things don't really start up again at first because they don't really feel like it? like they're still relearning who the other is after all these months apart? like it was just really genuinely casual to them they either fuck or they don't, it was a bit of fun, they aren't going crazy when they see each other again because to them it didn't really mean much of anything other than a bit of fun between friends! but there's some totally insane underlying feelings that they don't realize of course. the emotional roller coaster of ja'marr's preseason drops getting attacked left and right, joe steadfast in his belief in ja'marr comforting him (there's totally a high tensioned scene of this where they're just shy of something but ja'marr was too fucked up about his drops for it to actually come to anything), then their first game together first nfl touchdown 🫶

they might fuck again after that? but to be completely honest i have nothing else to add to this. maybe some angst of them starting up again and then stopping because suddenly it got...weird? because they're starting to realize oh wow hey what i'm feeling for you is not casual stuff. theres a little 'hey i don't think we should do this again tbh like let's focus more on the sb now that we're yk in the nfl we're not dumb kids anymore' or something idk but mostly i want them to agree not to fuck again untilll ->

this one fucking sceneeee that honestly kickstarted this entire thing but basically post sb loss they just slow-dance to the first time ever i saw your face by roberta flack. this just would notttt leave my minddd. they just dance slow and intimate in the middle of joe's living room. and it's like. after they lost the superbowl. after ja'marr dragged his ass out to the get him out of his head and after a whole day of just getting drunk of their asses and drinking away their feelings very manfully and fucked-upped-ly. they spill out their uber to joes house but they can't sleep and they just. start up the radio that's annoyingly repeating the superbowl fuckery and they just keep switching the station until they end up weirdly in this obscure one where the host is saying something completely unintelligible and then the song's opening instrumentals start up and of the sudden they're just wrapped around one another in the middle of joe's living room.

and then they're just in each others arms and staring deeply into the others eyes and still trying to deal with the loss and this uncertainty between them as roberta flack croons the first time i ever kissed your mouth i felt the earth move in my hand like the trembling heart of a captive bird that was there at my command my love and i just feel sooo fucked up over it. staying rooted in one place on joe's ridiculous rug just wrapped up in one another neither able to say a word the radio conveniently shutting off just dead air until boom who knows kissed who first they just end up in bed together like all those times before.

and its the first time in a while that they actually sleep together again after their pact to not do it again! and the thing is it's good this time! it isn't like any of the other times they slept together and pretended everything was fine and made the stupid conclusion that it was bad for them! i mean it was because they didn't really talk about it if they did it would be great you know but. this time they feel settled! they actually cuddle unashamedly in the afternoon that they woke up! had brunch together with the food that's usually delivered around that time for joe! made very distinct training plans together, fired up for the next season and trying again for a ring etc etc actually making plans for the future together basically.

AND THIS COULD END HERE OKAY like they have full blown realization and actual conversation that oh. this is it. this is literally the it that they've been avoiding for some reason and oh my future is literally you and not just on the field as a quarterback or a receiver or a teammate but you as something so definitive for me that there is literally no other way this could end other than us being together! totally could end here but!! in a separate timeline by which i mean if i could make it wayyy angstier than it needs to be:

like everything is niceeee, everything is hot and horny it's crazy they keep doing things together they've never thought of doing with anybody else! but they're not fucking talking even when they keep getting feelings and freaking out in the most random of moments over the other (hence the posts up top) and then burying their feelings down the next second because they think the other doesn't feel the same and think that what they have going on is enough. really. it is.

okay so like this fwb fic in my head is actually. way longer. like as in ja'marr trades out of cincy longer 😭 just they just keep pretending everything is fine and dandy and that shit is sooo not good for them and this actually ends in ja'marr being unable to handle all his feelings and running away leaving cincy lmaooooo sooo sorry (no idea if they won a sb before ja'marr left or not lmao which would be more fucked up do you think). i feel like i should expand more on why this ends up that way but i can't. which is like why this is never going to be a full fic 😭. it's kind of like that one time i mentioned this in an ask sort of inspired by bad bunny's cloud 9 'you will always be my favorite form of loving' 😃.

this is honestly mostly because of another slow dancing scene i can't get out of my head :")) they slow dance one last time before the news officially breaks out the next day to hey that's no way to say goodbye roberta flack ver. jesus sorry im in my feelings with her sooo sorry but look at the lyricsssss do you get me

I loved you in the morning, our kisses deep and warm And your hair upon the pillow like a sleepy golden storm Many loved before us, I know we are not new And in city and in forest they loved like me and you But now it's come to distances, both of us must try Your eyes fill with sorrow Hey, that's no way to say goodbye I'm not looking for another as I wander in my time Walk me to the corner, our steps will always rhyme You know my heart goes with you, your love stays with me It's just the way life changes, like the shoreline of the sea But let's not talk of love or change, things we can untie Your eyes fill with sorrow Hey, that's no way to say goodbye

ja'marr trades to another team, the nfl actually set them up against each other for week 5 and so they finally see each other again after that one last dance where they didn't hook up btw to add to the misery. they fall into bed again after whoever the fuck won i have no idea and. fought......fucked each other up beyond repair.........

i don't actually know how the story would progress after :) so sorry. it's like my mind stopped right there and theres no end in sight to their misery hurt no comfort etc. but if it's any consolation i do think i would end this not fic im not writing with ja'marr trading back to cincy and they finally make up officially and win a sb together <3 (the i love you post up top is set during their first match up btw so they got way too fucked up about it because?? you fucking left me for another team??? and fought etc but the love is there ofc so they called each other and made up etc)

on another handdd i also have thoughts for a completely different fwb au where they aren't freaked out at all btw. like no life changing thing about it they just go on with their lives like 'oh we're fucking now? of course we are' because they're soooo comfortable with each other they don't need to freak out about it or talk about it they know each other why would trusting the other with something as intimate as sex be anything bad. it feels food! it's fun! they love how they are in the bedroom together! and their relationship just progresses naturally to actually being together in an actual relationship because of course! they go on these dates anyhow what's more with feelings involved?

joe thinking 'oh I'm in love with you' as ja'marr unpacks their uber eats for them on joe's living room where they plan on binge-watching star trek discovery rambling about every little thing he could think of and then just nodding and going on with his life helping ja'marr unpack and needling him for his pickiness with food. ja'marr thinking 'oh I'm in love with you' as joe fusses over the new chrome hearts catalog that ja'marr showed him trying to pick over their new matching jackets or something and then just nodding and going on with his life telling joe to shut the fuck up he is not wearing that pick something else. pressing foreheads after the second orgasm of the night and just staring at one another and quietly letting out their first i-love-yous and then grinning at each other and laughing and rolling around on the bed trying to be the first to kiss the other after that bombshell and going on with their lives deciding if they want to move in together, if they want to tell their parents at the same time to save the hassle, if they should finally bring tee out of his misery of pretending they aren't together no matter what tee says, etc etc. just one without angst because they trust the other so much it really isn't difficult at all.

oh and there's this lovelyyyyyy bit of one night stand thing during the natty championship that @cementcornfield cooked up that i am sooo obsessed with that you should definitely read if you haven't!!!

sorry if any of this doesn't make sense or the grammar is shit btw 😭 but i would loveeeeeeeeeee to read more on this ask you sent!! tell me all about your ideas!!!!! please <3

[cherryatombomb]

list of aus i think fit soapghost perfectly and want to read but am too lazy/busy/whatever to write

parent ghost x teacher soap. ghost leaves the military after his nephew ends up orphaned, and ends up falling in love with his teacher, who is very dramatic and very lovely and oh god hes so cute

another alternative is where they are BOTH parents. ghost who took in his nephew, and soap who ended up with a kid one way or another. their kids end up loving eachother, so they have to keep interacting - a bit of forced proximity where they end up falling for one another

tattoo artist soap x flower shop owner ghost. soap who works across the street and works every day to see this highly tattooed and gruff man work in the flower shop. he goes in at least once a week to buy flowers (and talk to simon, of course, it's just an excuse). simon who thinks soap is annoying to begin with but begins to fall in love with him, but also WHY is he buying so many flowers?? hello??

alternatively, tattoo artist soap x piercer ghost. no i will not be elaborating (ghost with piercings is so real to me)

au where the 141 has to disband for various reasons and each member goes their own way. they try to keep in contact but life ends up getting in the way. price brings in the 141 to reunite after so many years apart, and both simon and johnny have to cope with their feelings reigniting - are they ready to let each other go after so long? probably not!

physical therapist ghost x injured soap after las almas. price has insisted he sees a physical therapist for his arm. soap initially complains until he meets the man - and now he's head over heels. when his injury begins to heal, he has to find a way to work up the courage to ask simon out (and possibly fake still being injured in order to work that courage up, hehe)

firefighter ghost x an extremely unlucky soap. a soap whos a civilian that always ends up accidentally in danger - car crash? yep. house fire? yep. it's all worthwhile when he finds the firefighter extremely handsome, even underneath that facemask... maybe he brings cookies over to the fire station, a snack to show his gratitude, and things blossom from there

medic soap x soldier ghost. soap who's there to - physically - help simon heal through his injuries several times throughout his life, after roba, then after various missions, etc. both of them end up falling in love with one another after a long amount of time... a good mixture of fluff and angst

bartender ghost x military soap. ghost who works in a bar most frequented by the military bc of its close proximity to base, and soap, who should be an annoyance, but he really does enjoy his presence the more they get to know one another.

famous soap x bodyguard ghost. im sure this has been done but oh what a good trope. fans keep theorizing over the mysterious skull man whos always at soaps side, who soap keeps smiling all fondly over. ghost whos gruff abt this dramatic man to begin with but ends up falling head over heels in love with him.

nextdoor neighbour au where soap and ghost, you guessed it, live next to eachother. maybe ghost is agoraphobic, he struggles with leaving the house - maybe he's a writer, so he never really has to - and soap moves in, runs into him a few times, and is determined to get to know him. fluff - and some angst - ensues

chance first meeting au where soap has a dog who's normally very good, but for some reason today is insisting on running up to the cute jogger he normally sees run through the park. it's love at first sight when the jogger - ghost - crouches down and offers him a treat, because apparently he keeps a whole pocket of treats just in case he sees any animals who want them. they end up running into eachother near enough every day, and begin to fall for eachother.

[ohitslen]

🌸Trigun fics recommendations🌸

Links are attached!🌈✨

Dropping the fics I’ve read so far in my free time with summary and all that :) [in no specific order] oh and these are almost all Vashwood so brace yourself for that. I did put a warning in my description

‼️Be aware that most of these take place in Trimax so spoilers are a given‼️ it’s up to you to read the tags to have a better idea of its contents im just here to provide the list 🫡

1. “Falling stars” by Dozycerberus

“When a set of twins are found wandering the desert without any family in sight, Hopeland Orphanage is the only logical place they would end up.”

One of my personal favorites! If not my favorite. All I have for this one is praises.

2. “Love and it’s decisive pain (sunlight)” by FlowerCitti

“He hears a rumbling laugh, like the wisps of cigarette smoke and the crack of the first shot in a gunfight, like the pleasant sting of whiskey in his throat— “I take it that he was looking for you, huh?” A voice rasps from behind him, and everything in Vash feels like it comes to a halt. He knows that voice.”

Reincarnation fic (you will see a lot of these) that I willingly let destroy me. You will also see lots of Flower’s works here, they are great at hurt/comfort trust me.

3. “Donuts are one way to the heart, the other one is with a knife” by Dezace

Another favorite author of mine that you will see more works of on this list.

Vashwood antics, them being sweet and a angst sprinkled here and there.

This is actually a collection of works that I definitely could list individually but this list is way too long for that— so, feel free to check it out! How vague I know OAJSKW

4. “Tell me why your hands are cold (show me how)” by desertblooms

“Wolfwood eases him back down into the bed. Runs a hand through his own hair, digging his nails in just to feel the burn because he’s seriously starting to think he’s bitten off more than he can chew. “You idiot,” he breathes into the open air, “I’m goin’ to kill you when you wake up.” If the sickness doesn’t get to him first. But that thought goes unspoken.”

Sick fic you know how it is. “I need you” absolutely life changing.

5. “Forgive me father for I have sinned-Wolfwood (P.S. He isn’t sorry at all)” by Dezace

““I want to fuck a priest.”

“A good one?”

"Yes."

“I understand.”

“Good, good.” (Or: Vash and Wolfwood are fucking thirsty for each other and everyone suffers(Except Meryl, she has popcorn ready))”

Crack fic! Because it’s needed after you’re drenched in angst. I know what you read. You’ll appreciate a cackle or two.

6. “Bendición ” by varilien

“Having been dating for as long as they have, Wolfwood's known that it was only a matter of time before Vash popped the "do you want to meet my mom?" question, although admittedly he was hoping he could put it off a little longer.”

Modern setting in where Wolfwood meets Rem (she’s alive so that’s always a plus), and it’s so sweet and it’s pure fluff. That’s all.

7. “Bag of bones” by chaiku

“Not only was he fucked up physically, but he fucked up in front of Vash of all people. He was the last person in the world that Wolfwood wanted to see him like that: broken and helpless. And now he would also need to explain it all…His head hurt just from thinking about it.”

Wolfwood being vulnerable. That’s all I’m gonna say to hook you in.

8. “Who’s to say I don’t hold everything in my hands?” by Dezace

“Wolfwood likes to try and figure out Vash the Stampede whenever he had the chance. Traveling with him gives some insight into the man behind the bounty. He doesn't mind what he finds.”

Vash being the smarty pants he is! I love to see it. It’s so lovely I adore it.

9. “To the white of your eye” by Dezace

“Vash doesn't only have scars across his body. Wolfwood finds out and nothing changes.”

Face scar Vash is on.the.table. You’ll notice a trend in Dezace’s work of how WW is down bad for Vash no matter what and honestly I can relate to that heavily, we all love Vash.

10. “Hold my body down” by The_IPRE

“You're dead.” Vash's eyes are shiny behind the glasses, unshed tears barely held back. “We waited! We tried to bring you back! I kept them from burying you for as long as I could but you were dead!” Wolfwood lets himself follow the pull on his shirt, leans into Vash’s space to rest their foreheads together. “Guess I’m pretty hard to get rid of, huh?”

So basically, WW is all casual about coming back from being “dead” and Vash isn’t. Hurt/comfort mhm.

[ghostly-cabbage]

I have officially edited and updated my DP fic recommendation document

I've so far only used it for friends but now I'm wondering if any of you guys would be interested...

[adamprrishcycle]

There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and the fact that me, @clotpolesonly and @lizpaige will read and comment on your decladam fics

[sainz100]

upcoming Carlos x chess content soon ❤️♟️✨

[otaku553]

I just want u to know that your art is my comfort art, I love looking at it whenever I’m feeling meh or tired, like right now lol.

Since I see that you seem to enjoy the ASL trio, I recommend reading don’t bury me with gold by anonymous on ao3. I think you’d like it, considering how you described your love for Sabo a few posts ago! It’s a Sabo-centric fic too!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/25577467/chapters/62072158

HI HELLO YOU HAVE EXCELLENT TASTE

this is one of my favorite fics in the entire fandom actually. Holy shit. It’s funny that you should recommend it because I have ranted about it nonstop to my friends for a while about it

The characterization of Sabo is just so perfect in this???? The thing is that in canon, Sabo doesn’t end up having to choose between his nobility and being a revolutionary, mostly because his ties to his nobility are already cut by his amnesia, but also because he has no reason to remain a noble in the first place beyond the leverage they try to hold over him. Sabo as a world noble however Cannot leave his situation because it is the way he is the most useful to the revolutionaries.

Also their deconstruction of the way the world nobles operate and how they choose successors among the nobles is excellent. The fact that they actively look for those who are able to see outside of the conditioning they have applied to their children to have them lead and uphold their corrupt institution is so interesting?? Not to mention Sabo’s entire struggle between his morality and his nobility and how in this he is surrounded by a scenario that makes it all the harder to uphold his morality and how there are times when he does actually feel the need to make Imu or the elders proud and just ughhghshdghsdgjsdg

I love everything about this fic and I wish there were more of it lmao I went on a spree after this fic of looking for more sabo-centric fics that placed him in an inescapable position as a noble but nothing hits quite as hard as this fic

[andiwriteordie]

please don’t ever become a stranger | 18.3k words

Mike isn’t sure how much time passes—how long they stay there, foreheads pressed against each other, holding onto one another’s hands like they’re scared to let go. But finally, Mike finds the courage in him to open his eyes and whisper, “I wish we had more time together.”

Because isn’t that what they’ve been missing all along? Time. They’ve never had more than a few months together before being rebooted, and even now, the longest the two of them have gotten to interact, the universe is separating them again. It’s as if every single fucking time the two of them get close and begin to fall in love, they have to start over again.

Now, knowing the full extent of their shared history, Mike just wants more time with Will. That’s all he wants.

Or:

The Good Place season 3 finale, but make it Byler.

— 

the tgp brain rot is so real right now, you guys. if you’ve had to interact with me at all this week, i apologize for dragging you back into your tgp brain rots with me.

also, let the record show that i gave suni @astrobei like three different tgp fic options, and she went with the most devastating idea i had. so she is an accomplice to the crime that is this fic.

anyways, enjoy this late birthday fic for my dear suni, whom i love very very very much <3 

oh and here’s the playlist full of sad songs that remind me of this fic.

(also a big thank you to @messrsbyler​ for helping me with this moodboard!!!!!)

[luimagines]

It is I, the wizard.

Im getting tired of typing that but it's my ✨️brand✨️

So, I was thinking. . . when rabbits are happy, they do this thing called binkie. it's so adorable my bun-bun did it yesterday while eating a banana. So I thought "Hey, I can see involuntary doing that and denying it heavily." The chain would tease him a lot. but then I thought "You know, if Marin were here, I can totally see him in bunny form ride Marin into battle (since Marin turned into a seagul at the end of links awakening). Like a pink rabbit riding a seagul firing like. . . arrows (somehow)." It's basically my train of thought abdoduwbkdkdjdidbe d udei

THE CAT HAS SPOKEN!! WE THANK THEM FOR THEIR WORDS OF WISDOM!