#and also my thesis OOPS but that's another story

[kamaluhkhan]

LOVE, VIOLET

pairing: vi x fem!reader word count: 12.9k summary: history might say that you and vi were only best friends, but the real story is much more complicated. (or: you and vi celebrating valentine's day warning: friends to lovers arc, lots of sapphic yearning, brief mention of homophobia and bullying....but mostly cheesy domestic fluff and sappy lesbian monologues and lots of smut [oral (r! receiving), fingering (r! receiving), thigh riding, strap usage(r! receiving), needy+possessive! vi and slightly (?) dom! reader] (18+) ! a/n: happy (belated oops) valentine's day girls and gays <33 been working on this for a while and hoped to get it out like....actually in time for love day but such is life. ANYWAYS this is set in the same universe as this x-mas themed fic (and kinda a modern au of this one?? reader has the same nickname and there's a friends to lovers arc so....). hope y'all enjoy!!!!

♪: "glue song" by beabadoobee ft. clairo (sun); "home by now" by MUNA (moon); "love is a kaleidoscope" by chappell roan (rising)

also - header image was cropped from a gifset from @arcanegifs , pls check out their beautiful work !!!

track 1: “feeling you” by cat burns

(now)

"fuck, vi," you moan as her tongue splits your folds. "we don't have time for this...."

you have to get to studio and vi has to get to work, but the combination of the hot water hitting your skin and vi’s mouth on your cunt was something you did not want to give up just yet — even if you didn't want to admit it.

"baby," vi pouts, looking up at you innocently, as if she wasn't the one who decided to push you against the tile wall and get on her knees in front of you. "it was your idea to shower together this morning.”

"well, sorry for wanting to save water," you breathe, your grip tightening on her hair when she wraps her lips around your clit. "the planet is dying."

vi pulls away from you once more, lips shining with your slick. "well, excuse me for thinking you wanted to start today with a bit of romance. if all you care about is the environment...." she gets up and reaches behind you to turn off the water. "we better get going, pretty girl."

you whine at the sudden loss of warmth and clench your thighs together at the nickname, something that does not go unnoticed by vi. she licks her lips before leaning forward to kiss you, your back pushed against the cool tile once more and the taste of yourself faint on her tongue.

hearing your alarm go off reminds you that there are other responsibilities you each have to attend to. reluctantly, the two of you dry off and make your way to your shared bedroom. you put on a fuschia boyshort / bralette combo (your favorite set because, yes, it matches your girlfriend’s hair) before slipping on some dark jeans and a heart-printed turtleneck, and moving on to your makeup. in the meantime, vi had been in the kitchen making coffee, and reemerges now with two mismatched mugs. she sets one on the desk next to you, kisses the top of your head before getting herself ready for the day. 

you swipe some eyeliner on your waterline, watching in the mirror as vi searches in the closet for something to wear, still only dressed in black briefs and a sports bra. you smile as you see the stars tattooed on her upper thigh, sparkling with every movement she makes. once she picks out an outfit, her eyes catch yours.

"what?" she asks with a lazy grin, slipping on a tight black henley.

you smile, adding some pink glitter to your eyelids. 

it’s only been two weeks since you’ve moved into this new place. there are still plenty of unpacked boxes, and you still get a bit lost navigating around the neighbourhood, but otherwise, it’s been a dream. 

you love seeing your clothes woven together in the same closet; you love waking up with her arm around your waist, doing laundry together, and coming home to vi having tried a new recipe for dinner. you love how you sometimes wear each other’s rings because you keep them all in a pile on the nightstand, how she falls asleep with her head in your lap during movie night, how her skin smells like the rose body wash you picked out together at lush. 

you love this — this home you’re starting to build. you’ve known vi for so long, but your lives are intertwined now more than ever.

"nothing," you respond, finishing with a layer of vanilla lip gloss. "want me to do your eyeliner?”

it’s a familiar position: vi sits on the edge of the bed while you straddle her hips. she leans forward and presses a kiss to your sternum before you hold her chin between your thumb and pointer finger.

“so….tomorrow’s valentines day,” vi suddenly points out, though, really, you didn’t need the reminder.

you’d spent these past few years apart and this is your first valentine’s day since the break-up. 

you both agreed — no pressure — but…..there’s definitely a bit of pressure. you’d been working on your gift for her for weeks, and you’re really hoping that she likes what you’ve planned.

“i thought it would be nice to get dinner tonight at bacchus. i called earlier this morning and got us a reservation for 7:30.”

you hum in appreciation.

vi might be taking a break from the band, but she’s still the violet lanes, the pink-haired rockstar of every lesbian’s dreams who’s written award-winning songs and sold out entire football stadiums. there are new perks of being her girlfriend this time around, like a nice apartment in new york and getting a day-of-reservation at the most expensive italian restaurant in the city. 

“valentine’s day is tomorrow,” you repeat, a playful lilt to your words. you swipe your thumb near the corner of vi’s eye where you’d smudged an otherwise sharp wing of eyeliner. “someone’s eager to get a head start.” 

with that, you snap the tube closed, press a kiss to the tattoo on vi’s cheek, and get up to gather your things for studio. you’re tucking your sketchbook into your messenger bag when you feel vi’s strong arms wrap around your middle.

“you always said i was impatient,” she teases. you can feel her smirk against the star-shaped birthmark behind your ear before pressing a gentle kiss to your skin and whispering: “can you blame me, stargirl? for wanting to get dressed all fancy and go somewhere nice and romantic with the prettiest girl in the world?” 

“of course not.” you crane your neck back until your lips practically brush against hers as you speak. “except, you’re the prettiest in the world, baby.”

a beautiful blush spreads across vi’s freckled cheeks, the way it always has whenever you comment on vi’s beauty.  

she clears her throat, still a bit flustered. “agree to disagree?”

you pretend to think about it for a second, nudging your nose against hers. “agree to disagree,” you reply, teasing her by continuing to hover above her lips, just a sliver of air between you. 

yeah, vi’s impatient — but, sometimes, you love it. like, right now, when she turns you around to face her so she can close the gap, deepening the kiss by sliding her tongue into your mouth without any preamble.

vi groans as another alarm goes off from your phone. "i will never get used to how many alarms you set."

you giggle, and pull away slightly to swipe the cancel button. vi takes the opportunity to move your shirt slightly and leave bites on your exposed collarbone. you check the time on your phone.

you can spare a little more time. it is valentine’s day, after all. 

(age 13)

“vi, your precious stargirl is on the phone for you!”

at the mention of your nickname, vi flinches, inadvertently failing to dodge a lethal attack. green goblin crashed his glider into her spiderman avatar, and the words GAME OVER fill the screen in an angry red font. 

vi groans, throwing her playstation controller on the couch before heading to the kitchen.

powder is sitting on the counter, twirling the telephone cord around her finger and yapping away before vi takes her place.

“hey.” vi clears her throat, tries to sound casual. “what’s up?”

“so, my mom promised to make something for ekko’s valentine’s class party, but she just got called in for a shift….which means i’m stuck baking 30 rainbow confetti cupcakes, and hoping i don’t give any eight year olds food poisoning. you doing anything right now?”

“oh - i’m actually, uh, busy! i have homework, and….”

and she’s busy avoiding you, ever since she heard something about you — from drea, of all people — and wondered why you wouldn’t confide in her, your supposed best friend. 

“please, vi,” you coax. vi’s heart beats a bit quicker as she pictures your bottom lip jutting out into a pout. “can you come over and help me bake? it feels like forever since we’ve actually hung out. i miss you.”

vi is certainly not god’s strongest soldier when it comes to you, so of course, she caves. rainbow confetti cake is her favorite, so that’s a bonus. she and powder throw on their coats and head next door to yours; powder and ekko keep each other company in the living room while vi joins you in the kitchen.

“hey,” she greets. 

“there you are!” your face lights up with the sweetest smile, causing the butterflies in her stomach to flap up a storm. 

gods — do you realize the effect you have on her? 

there’s already flour dusting your cheek; vi has to resist the urge to brush it away with her thumb, wanting to feel how soft your skin must be. 

she snaps out of it though, as you instruct her on what needs to be done, and the two of you work in a comfortable silence, the sounds of your siblings watching cartoons in the other room filling the space between you. at one point, probably realizing that vi isn’t in the mood for talking, you switch on the radio. vi catches you smiling at her as she hums along to freddie mercury, but you’re quick to blink away and get back to work.

you’re sifting confectioner’s sugar into room temperature butter for the icing while vi slides the first batch of cupcakes in the oven, starts prepping the second, her mind starting to wander.

you and vi are playing the leads for your final english project, where you have to reenact scenes from romeo and juliet. powder caught the two of you rehearsing last week, and spent the whole night singing that stupid playground chant. now vi can’t get it out of her head: you and her, sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G — 

“the rumor’s not true, by the way,” 

vi looks at you as she pours batter into another cupcake liner, which accidentally overflows onto the counter. 

“shit,” she groans, but you slide over to the other side of the kitchen counter to bring her a towel. 

you don’t elaborate on what you’ve just brought up as you wipe up the thick batter. vi figures you’re waiting for her to say something.

“what rumor?”

it was never vi’s instinct to play pretend with you, but frankly she had no idea what else to do without letting her emotions burst into flames and inevitably burn you.  

“vi,” you sigh. “i know you’ve heard it. the whole school has. it’s not true, though. i wasn’t kissing james.”

oh. the spark of envy in her gut simmers down. 

“did he ask you to the sweetheart dance?”

you shake your head, and the spark extinguishes completely. “even if he did….i wouldn’t want to go with him.”

“why’s that? not your type?”

you finish wiping the counter, and vi takes the now-sticky towel from you to rinse it out in the sink. as she does this, you get back to frosting duty, stirring in some pink food colouring. 

“drea saw me kissing someone with dark brown hair,” you explain. “so isabel started told her that it was james, and that’s what she’s been telling everyone. but really….it was her.”

vi blinks at you. “her?”

“yeah, her,” you smile hesitantly. 

“you were kissing isabel?”

isabel was the prettiest girl in eighth grade — though, according to vi, you’d have that ranking, and it would go way beyond the scope of your middle school. you’re the prettiest girl in the world; not that vi would ever have the courage to tell you that.  

you nod. “you’re not, like, weirded out that i like kissing girls, are you?”

“what? no, of course not! especially since….i, uh, i like kissing girls too.”

in theory. vi likes to imagine kissing girls, especially when they look like korra from the legend of korra, or shego from kim possible, or hayley kiyoko in lemonade mouth.

or….you.

vi watches intently as you — a very pretty, very real girl — swipe your finger through the fluffy pink frosting and taste it, flashing her a sugary smile. 

“good to know.”

(age 16)

when josie asked her out, vi had completely neglected the fact that dinner on friday would mean dinner on february 14th. 

which is how vi finds herself getting ready for a date with someone she met during your short-lived attempt at starting an all female fight boxing club. josie is sweet and vi felt bad cancelling on her, so like the gentleman she is, vi promised to pick her up at 7:30pm. on friday, february 14th. 

it’s 6:44pm, and vi is in your room. you helped her pick out an outfit — something nice but not too formal — and you’ve moved on to makeup, carefully applying her eyeliner. 

vi tries not to stare at your lips — which are slightly red from the cinnamon hearts you’ve been eating — so she keeps squirming, and you keep gently guiding her chin towards you. her eyes wander to your decorated walls, filled with posters and photos and other things you’ve collected throughout the years. she’s featured in quite a few, and she catches a glimpse of an old valentine card she’d given you in elementary school.

“it’s weird that we won’t be spending valentine’s day together,” you comment as though reading her mind. 

you’d never spend the holiday as anything other than friends, but it does still feel strange, not spending it with someone she knows for sure she loves. 

(again — like a friend loves a friend.)

“yeah, definitely,” vi agrees. “do you have anything planned for tonight?”

“huge plans, actually.” you pop another cinnamon heart in your mouth. “i’ve got a super romantic date with the prettiest girl in the world.”

vi tilts her head in confusion — did you mention this to her? — which causes you to shake your head with a lighthearted laugh and guide her towards you once more.

“really? with who?”

you roll your eyes. “i’m kidding!” 

“oh.”

“it’s cute how gullible you are,” you whistle. by now, you’re done with her eyes and move on to dusting her cheeks with some sort of shimmery powder. “i’m probably just gonna put on a rom-com and finish — well, start — writing my english essay on romantic literature. lowercase ‘r,’ because ms. chavez was feeling festive. i’m leaning more modernist, but that’s only because i want to write about virginia woolf.”

it’s inching towards when vi should leave, but vi doesn’t care what time it is — she’d listen to you talk forever if she could.

“what’s it about?”

you pull away to examine vi’s makeup one last time.

“the movie, or my essay?” you nod once in approval and give the compact you’re holding to vi so she can take a look. “you look beautiful, by the way.”

vi watches her reflection blush, almost enhanced by the makeup you put on her. 

“thanks, stargirl.” vi clears her throat and decides to get back to your original conversation. “the movie and your essay, i guess.”

you offer vi a cinnamon heart, which she accepts, the candy burning sweet on her tongue. you then reach into your backpack, for the ring pop that vi had left in your locker this morning, just before you handed her a box of rainbow confetti cupcakes. you slip the candied jewellery onto your right ring finger before answering.

“i want to analyse the letters between virginia woolf and this other writer — vita sackville-west. they’re essentially love letters, but, you know.” you give an exaggerated shrug. “history says they were only best friends. at least, according to ms. chavez’s interpretations, along with most of the class.”

vi chuckles. “thankfully, you’re here to prove them all wrong.”

“exactly.” you nudge your shoulder against vi’s, the feeling of your body familiar next to hers. “and, for the movie, i’m thinking when harry met sally, which i remember watching with you for the first time.” 

vi definitely remembers watching that with you, too. the whole question of whether or not men and women can be friends without romance getting in the way brought up another, much more relevant question in vi’s mind: can two sapphic women be friends without any complicated feelings?

it’s definitely possible.

“so….you excited for this date?”

vi shrugs. “yeah.”

“wow. i totally believe that,” you say, words dripping with sarcasm. 

“it’s just….it’s valentine’s day,” vi whispers. she starts fiddling with one of her rings — you’d gotten it for her last valentine’s day, a silver thumb ring with a star in the middle. “what if she wants to kiss me tonight?”

“well, you kiss her back, if that’s what you want.” 

“that’s what i want,” she responds, way too quickly to be true. “it’s just — i’m not sure i’ll be any good.”

“you’ll be fine,” you assure. 

“but — i mean, i’ve never…..”

“oh.” your eyes widen and your lips part in shock, the blue-raspberry of the ring pop turning them from red to purple that’s intoxicatingly close to violet. “oh.”

“what! it’s not, like the end of the world.”

“of course not! it’s just — you’ve gone out with a bunch of girls, so i just figured….”

vi shakes her head, her cheeks heating up. “guess i never found the right one. i know it’s cliche, but i kinda wanted my first kiss to be —” 

“special?” you guess, and vi nods.

“and now, there’s all this pressure, i’m worried that i won’t be good.”

you clear your throat. “right. well, if it helps relieve the pressure….i could show you….how.”

“show me?”

“well — i mean, like teach you, i guess. plus, then i can let you know whether you’re, like, a good kisser or not.”

that’s how you find yourself practically in vi’s lap, slotting your lips between hers. it started off with a quick peck, but clearly, you’ve both decided that this lesson requires a bit more. 

every single one of vi’s senses is heightened: the stickiness of your glossed lips, the sugar on your tongue, the giggles rumbling through you and bouncing down vi’s throat. time seems to slow down — no, freeze entirely — which is a stark contrast to the burning in her lungs.

needing air, vi pulls away. 

“h-how was that?” she breathes, her words warming your mouth. 

“good.” you smile, almost shy. you’re so close together that vi can feel your heart pounding against your ribcage. “maybe….a bit gentler this time.”

“gentler?”

“slower,” you suggest. 

so, you kiss again. gentler, this time.

“your lips are a bit chapped,” is your next note. you reach for the tube of lip gloss in your pocket. “can i?”

“go ahead, stargirl,” vi whispers. “you’re the expert.”

you paint a layer of sticky vanilla glitter onto vi’s lips.

“there,” you sit back after swiping your thumb underneath vi’s bottom lip. 

vi blinks at you. her lips feel like they’re coated in honey. “how do i look?”

“really pretty,” you reply, with a small smile. you sigh, glancing at the scooby-doo alarm clock on your nightstand, the one you’ve had since you were six years old. “you better go. have a good time with josie, okay?”

“okay.” vi gets up and grabs her jacket, tugs on her shoes. “and, thanks again for, well, you know.”

you shrug. “that’s what best friends are for. happy valentine’s, vi.”

vi hesitates just as she’s about to climb out your window. “look, stargirl, i don’t have to – i mean, i’m perfectly happy canceling my, uh, date, and just hanging out with you.”

“you’re sweet, vi, but i’ll be fine. go — have fun.” you walk closer to her so you can slip your tube of lipgloss into vi’s button down shirt pocket. you pat her chest affectionately. “and remember to be gentle, yeah?” 

later, when she’s making out with josie in the backseat of her dad’s car, vi tries not to think about your soft voice guiding her through the movements, or the dizzying taste of your lips — cinnamon hearts and sour candy and sweet, sweet vanilla.

history might say that you and vi are only best friends, but the real story is much more complicated.

___

[image: a cartoon scooby-doo, holding a bouquet of hearts. the message reads: BE MY VALENTINE!]

to: stargirl <3

from: vi

___

track 2: “you’re my best friend” by queen 

(age 7)

“mom?”

“yeah, kiddo?”

“can you be in love with your best friend?”

her mom, felicia, smiles knowingly, the question hanging in the air until the end of song. it’s part of an old mixtape that felicia plays sometimes, mostly glam rock like queen and david bowie. she put it on this afternoon while her and vi get ready for the valentine’s class party tomorrow. vi scribbles names on cards while her mom fills clear heart-printed bags with candy. powder’s fallen asleep on her lap. 

“definitely,” felicia finally answers, reaching over to tap vi’s nose playfully. “love, violet, can be a million different things. that’s the fun part.” 

felicia pinches vi’s cheek affectionately. vi frowns, thinking about this whole love thing. 

love is definitely not the next classmate whose name she’s writing — drea, who always cheats during sports and teases vi for being a tomboy. she’s tempted to just leave her out, but the policy of ms. julie’s second grade class is that everyone needs to get a valentine. so, that’s not love, either. 

instead, vi thinks of her family — her mom, vander, powder, and even ekko; movie nights and lively dinners and warm hugs. she thinks of her friends — mylo and claggor; laughter and skinned knees and running so fast it feels like flying. 

when she thinks of you, though, her heart beats differently.

vi thinks about how you always carry around a spiderman bandaid because she always scrapes herself during recess, and the nurse only carries plain, boring bandages. she thinks about how you ‘accidentally’ spill paint on drea’s art project after she calls vi mean names.

she thinks about how you doodle on her arms during math or braid her hair as you watch cartoons and eat sugary cereal on saturday mornings. 

she thinks about the star-shaped birthmark behind your ear, the perpetual marker stains on your hands, the dimple on your cheek.

you’re her best friend, and your smile alone wakes up a million butterflies in her stomach.

vi’s mom suggested spiderman valentine’s cards, but vi wanted to pick out something that you’d like; vi knows that scooby-doo is your favorite show, so that’s what she went with. she adds a ring pop to your bag of candy, because she knows they’re your favorite candy. she adds a little heart by your nickname, too.  

the next day, everyone is decorating their shoeboxes, transforming them into mailboxes before exchanging valentines. vi’s hands are sticky with glitter glue when you walk over — ms. julie said that you and vi distracted each other, so she assigned you to desks on opposite sides of the room. 

“happy valentine’s day, vi,” you say, sliding a card into her mailbox and smiling ear to ear before moving on to the next person. vi eagerly reaches in for the valentine. 

it’s spiderman-themed, and there’s a heart next to her name. 

(now) 

when you walk through the door, you’re engulfed in the scent of warm garlic bread and sweet, ripe tomatoes. the restaurant is bustling with waiters delivering colourful dishes, everyone wearing crisp suits and silk dresses. someone’s playing piano, soft music dancing throughout the room, and the overhead lights are dimmed, with each table illuminated by a candle in the centre.

the maître d' greets you with a welcoming smile and settles you into a table. once they’re gone, vi reaches across the table for your hand. 

“you look beautiful, stargirl.”

vi’s skin is always warm, but the cool metal of her thumb ring sends a shiver through you as she brushes over your knuckles. the flame between you flickers, darkening vi’s powder blue eyes as she gazes at you lovingly.

“you let me borrow your clothes,” you point out. “i’m wearing one of your suits.”

“what can i say….” vi winks, releasing your hand so she can open the menu in front of her. “i have good taste. looks better on you, anyways.”

“were you always this much of a flirt?” you tease.

vi smirks. “like a fine wine, i just get better with age.”

“you are so corny,” you say with a slight laugh.

“well, some people do think my love songs are cheesy.”

“even the ones written about me?”

vi looks up from her menu, one eyebrow raised. “baby, they’re all about you.”

your cheeks heat up at vi’s confession, and you take a sip from your glass, ice water trickling down your throat, in hopes of steadying your heartbeat.

a waiter comes by; you each order pasta dishes and vi orders a bottle of wine for the table. the wine arrives quickly, but given how busy the restaurant is, you anticipate the food will take longer. 

you fill the time easily, catching each other up on the details of your lives since this morning. you start by telling her how hectic your art studio has been as you prepare for your big spring exhibition, but how excited everyone is. you’re especially excited since you get to explore different mediums along the way; these past few weeks, you’ve been learning how to use a pottery wheel. you went through the final step of the process today — glazing — and you’re happy at the end product. 

“i don’t think i’m gonna include it in my exhibit, though,” you conclude. 

“well, it’d be nice to have some of your art on display all the time.” vi smiles. “you should bring whatever you made home.” 

“that’s the idea,” you muse, a twinkle in your eyes as you take a sip of wine. “how was your day?”

vi started teaching guitar at the local community centre. some adults take lessons, but it’s mostly little kids with too much energy and too little patience. still, no matter how chaotic it can be, it’s clear that vi has been loving her job.

“i swear, this one girl, marceline, is a budding rockstar. i taught her a jimi hendrix song and she picked it up —” vi snaps her fingers, smiling proudly. “like that. such a talented kid.”

“you would know, pretty girl,” you praise.

your waiter arrives to bring plates full of pasta. you and vi thank them, your stomach grumbling at the delicious smell, a reminder that you had barely eaten all day. you’re so ready to dig into some quality fettuccine alfredo.

you and vi eat in a comfortable silence, until you hear an unfortunately familiar voice grate at your ears:

“oh my god, it is you! i saw you from the other side of the restaurant and just had to come over and say hi!”

you don’t need to glance to know who it is, but you do anyways, and so does vi. your stomach drops as you watch her bite back a scoff before turning back to her food.

“hi, drea,” vi clips before taking a big gulp of wine. she continues eating, barely sparing the woman another glance.

drea continues to hover. she’s wearing dark lipstick, her black hair cut into a classic bisexual bob, and her amber eyes silently pleading at you to break the ice. 

“hey, drea,” you greet with a stiff smile, and drea relaxes her shoulders at your veil of friendliness.

“nice earrings,” she winks, reaching over to tap the dangling purple gem. “thought you might have gotten rid of them after we broke up.”

vi chokes on a sip of wine. “broke up?” vi coughs, reaches for her water glass. “since when did you two date?”

you open your mouth to respond, but drea beats you to it, clearly too focused on being the centre of attention.

“maybe like a year or so ago.” drea turns to you. “right, starlight?”

vi’s jaw clenches, and she drops her fork, metal clattering against the plate.

“starlight?”

“yeah, because of the star-shaped birthmark behind her —”

“i know,” vi snaps. her eyes are locked on you, and slightly glazed over. “you never told me you dated drea.”

“i-it was only 3 months,” you stutter.

“that hurts,” drea groans, clutching her heart. she always did have a flair for the dramatic. “it was 4 months, babe.”

“you dated for 4 months, and i’m just hearing about it now?” vi seethes, trying to keep her voice low. the tables around you have already taken note that something is happening, though, their conversations hushing down to an idle whisper. “did you somehow forget how much of an asshole she was in high school?”

“um, i’m right here?” drea chides, still not taking the hint that neither of you are interested in a happy reunion.

“we need a minute,” you and vi say simultaneously. drea rolls her eyes and mutters something you don’t care to hear; you’re too concerned with explaining yourself to vi, whose cheeks are burning with a deep shade of red. whether it’s jealousy, anger, or embarrassment, you’re not quite sure.

“vi, just let me —” 

you reach out for her hand, but as soon as you make contact, vi pulls away abruptly.

“i…i need….to not be here right now,” vi mutters. the last thing she wants is to make headlines tomorrow morning — violet lanes, caught having argument with girlfriend at upscale restaurant during on valentine’s eve. flip to page 6 for the full story! — so, she gets up and slips on her jacket. 

“please, baby, let’s talk about this —”

“order dessert, if you want. don’t rush home.”

her voice cracks at that last word before she storms out the door, leaving you with two unfinished meals and stomach heavy with regret. 

___

[image: notebook opened to a page filled with chaotic, scribbled writing]

FOR STARGIRL (FINAL DRAFT!!! COME UP WITH TITLE LATER!??!!)

i’m stuck on you, baby

you taught me what love is

sugary sweet kisses,

frosting on your lips;

first tattoos,

promises on our skin

i’m stuck on you, baby

have been since we were kids

you’re not just the sun or the moon

you’re all my stars

know that i’ll love you

wherever we are

___

track 3: “true romantic” by indigo girls

(age 18)

the auditorium is decorated with red and pink streamers, heart garlands and bouquets of roses. a red spotlight shines on the stage, painting each performer with a pink hue. there are small tables and chairs arranged to make the space feel more like a parisian cafe, instead of where drama club rehearses for the spring musical.

you’re sitting at one of the tables, inhaling all the free coffee and pastries you possibly can and chatting with viktor and jayce, like you’ve done for the past three years at your highschool’s annual valentine’s day coffeehouse. 

the first time vi performed, during your freshman year, she was all nerves, her fingers fumbling at chords and voice trembling through the lyrics of a joan jett song she had played for you perfectly that morning. when her eyes landed on yours in the crowd, you gave her a thumbs-up — you’d been just friends at the time, after all — and vi seemed to warm up, finishing to enthusiastic applause. 

now, vi walks on with confidence right away, electric guitar the same pink as her hair, with a constellation of stars scribbled on its body with black sharpie. she’s grown out her hair, still keeping it shorter on one side to display her growing collection of piercings. the newest addition is a silver loop in her nostril, which glints underneath the spotlight as she leans closer to the mic. she’s wearing lowrise jeans and showcasing a sliver of her hips; you can’t help but think about what’s hidden just a bit lower, the stars sparkling along her upper thigh, etched into her skin at the same time you got violets blooming between your ribs. 

“hey everyone. most of you know me as the captain of our hockey team —”

beside you, jayce whistles and there’s a scattering of applause for the team, who just made it to nationals. vi landed an athletic scholarship, too, to play at university of piltover. even though you have a hard time picturing your girlfriend as an enforcer, you’re so proud of her. plus, it’s only a twenty minute drive from zaun university, where you’ve decided to go so you could be close to your family.

“but, i’ve been writing songs, too,” vi continues. “i realized that i’ve gotten up here every year to sing someone else’s love song to a girl i’ve had a crush on since before i even knew what a crush was. but this is a song i’ve been writing, for and about her, for years. and now that we’re actually dating….well, i wanted to do something special for our first valentine’s day. ” vi looks at you with a toothy grin, and you blow her a kiss. “wait, actually, can we get a spotlight on my girlfriend? right there?”

vi gestures in your general direction, and suddenly you feel the heat of the spotlight and 50 pairs of eyes on you. your cheeks flush at the attention, but you play along and wave nonetheless.

“there she is,” vi gushes. “my beautiful stargirl. i wrote this song —”

“oh my god, we came here for music, not your sappy lesbian monologue!” drea, current goalie of  zaun high’s hockey team and perpetual pain in vi’s ass, groans. “hurry up and play the song already!”

one of the teachers hushes the bubbling laughter, and it dies down just as quickly as it emerged.

vi rolls her eyes. “as i was saying, i wrote this song-slash-sappy-lesbian-monologue for you, stargirl. i hope you like it. happy valentine’s day.”

you don’t know what makes your heart soar more — the sweet lyrics falling from the lips of the girl you love, or the girl herself. 

later, vi is falling asleep in the middle of chemistry class when she hears a light clink against the window. she glances outside and sees you waving at her, smile as bright as a shooting star. you have paint stains on your jeans that weren’t there earlier and you’re gesturing at her to follow you. vi just shrugs and nods her chin towards the front of the class. 

your bottom lip juts out into a pout, and you curve your hands into a heart before disconnecting them. vi snorts at your antics. 

“ms. lanes, are my slides on organic compounds amusing to you?” 

“uh, no mr. michaels. of course not.” vi clears her throat, whips her head back towards the smartboard. “may i, uh, go to the bathroom?”

vi checks her phone as soon as she closes the door behind her. 

stargirl

hurry UP!!!

dyke spiderman <3

easy romeo

i’m omw

where should i meet u???

stargirl

our spot

“wait!” you call as soon as vi reaches the bottom of the staircase and starts to turn the corner. “close your eyes!”

“how’d you know it was me?” vi laughs, but does as she’s told nonetheless.

“the axe body spray is a pretty dead giveaway,” you deadpan. 

“hey, i stopped using that in middle school. can i look now?”

you ask her to wait one more time. vi feels you shift behind her, wrap your arms around her waist. on instinct, vi reaches a hand down and laces her fingers through yours, your skin slick and cold. 

“okay,” you whisper, your breath hot against her ear. “open your eyes.”

and when she does, vi is glad that you’re holding her, because she’s suddenly weak in the knees at what’s gracing the wall before her: a small mural reminiscent of klimt’s famous painting, ‘the kiss’. except — it’s the two of you, surrounded by stars and violets.

“happy valentine’s day, vi.” 

you untangle yourself from her, but vi doesn’t let go of your hand, even when she realizes it’s wet with fresh paint. 

“you….you did this?”

“yeah.”

“wow….it’s amazing. beautiful.”

vi squeezes your hand, still in awe at how you beautifully swirled together each color, the loving expressions you managed to portray with each delicate stroke of your paintbrush. 

“i’m glad you like it.”

“like it? i love….” she turns to you. “i love it. you didn’t have to do all this though, it must have taken you forever.”

“you’re worth it,” you muse. “like you said — it’s our first valentine’s day. as a couple at least. i wanted to do something special. i made us a playlist, too.”  

so, even though it means she’s skipping chem and you’re skipping history, the two of you curl underneath the staircase, a pair of earbuds split between you. 

“i’m gonna miss seeing you every day after we graduate.”

vi hums in agreement. she gently lifts your head from her shoulder, holding your chin between her thumb and pointer finger. “you know i’ll love you wherever we are, right?”

“i know, i heard you early on stage,” you swoon, settling back against her shoulder. “seemed a bit dramatic for only being, like, 20 minutes away from each other. though, i guess that is the farthest apart we’ve ever been.”

vi takes a deep breath, as your fingers dance along the doodles decorating her skin, the ones you had drawn on in sharpie during calculus. “except…. it might be further than that, depending on how things go.”

your pointer finger pauses halfway through an outline of a heart. “what do you mean?”

“i’m, uh….i don’t want to go to university of piltover. actually, i don’t want to go to college at all. i turned down the scholarship; made the official decision two weeks ago after the big game.”

“you did what?”

“i wanna move to l.a. or london, pursue this whole music thing. i think it could really take me places.” 

“right,” you clip.“and why are you just bringing this up now? have you told vander? have you talked to anyone before making a huge, life-changing decision?”

you continue shaking your head in disbelief as you gather your backpack and turn the corner, emerging from underneath the staircase; vi follows you. 

“no, but it’s my life — and i know what i want.”

“and it’s always about what you want, right?” you scoff.

“what the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“it’s just — did you ever think about your family in all this? how powder might feel having her sister so far away just as she’s starting high school?”

“i’ve spent the past 13 years of my life worrying about powder, taking care of her especially after our mom died,” vi reasons, trying to keep her voice steady. “i need a break. my dreams are bigger than this town.”

“do you…” you trail off, hesitant to even speak the words aloud, but the coil in your gut tells you it’s unavoidable. “do you need a break from us?” 

“stargirl.” vi whispers your nickname like a promise itching to be broken. “i thought you’d love having a rockstar girlfriend,” she teases, trying to lighten the mood.

“don’t,” you grumble, brows furrowed. “if you wanted to make things work between us, you would have at least talked to me about this.”

“i am talking to you,” vi counters. she grabs her hands in yours. you pull away.

“but, you spent these past two weeks listening to me imagine our future together, while you had already made other plans. what does that say about our actual future?”

before vi can respond, someone clears their throat from the top of the staircase. your principal, looking down on you with an expression that can only be described as disinterested, addressing you by your last names. 

“pro tip,” she continues. “if you want to skip class and have a lover’s quarrel, make sure it’s not somewhere that carries sound directly to the office.”

you and vi get assigned detention that afternoon. you’re told to sit on opposite sides of the room, but that doesn’t stop vi from throwing a crumpled ball of paper your way. 

glancing over at your girlfriend, you have to admit that you find yourself melting at those puppy dog eyes of hers, pleading and so full of love as she waits for you to respond to her message.

even though the future feels uncertain, you scribble something back, then toss the paper towards her desk discreetly. it lands on the floor. vi unfolds it and smiles as she reads the note, cheeks tinted a light rose.

___

[image: a crumpled ball of paper. unfold it, and it reads….]

(in hot pink gel pen)

I WANT TO MAKE THINGS WORK BETWEEN US

I LOVE YOU

(in black sharpie)

I LOVE YOU TOO

OF COURSE WE’LL MAKE IT WORK

I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE A ROCK STAR GF, BTW

BUT ONLY IF SHE’S AS HOT AS YOU

___

track 4: “home by now” by MUNA 

(age 21)

“wait, hold on — what does that sign say?”

violet lanes, will you be my valentine?

“i’m flattered,” vi chuckles. “but, sorry ladies — i’m a happily taken woman. i’ve got a pretty girl waiting for me in the crowd.” 

“and, lemme just say, it’s a good thing we’ve all got separate hotel rooms this time,” caitlyn groans. 

vi rolls her eyes. “anyways. this is a very special night because it’s the first time my girlfriend is watching us perform live! she’s over there, looking as beautiful as ever. everyone, say hi!”

the spotlight shines on you, and you giggle shyly. the necklace she’d given you this morning practically glows between your collarbones, illuminates your skin with a violet hue. 

“isn’t she the cutest?” vi gushes. “the first time i performed this next song was to celebrate our first valentine’s day as a couple. and — fun little easter egg — when we released this as a single, the cover was a painting she had made for me on that same day. she’s just so talented, kicking ass at this fancy art program….she’s basically the frida kahlo to my joan jett…..and i’m just rambling, now, sorry guys. i could probably talk about my girl all day.” 

“oh, and she does,” maddie grumbles. 

“the fans love sappy-lesbian-monologues, don’t they?” the crowd roars, and vi flashes maddie a winning smirk. “so, yeah, i love my girlfriend every day, of course, but today it’s with roses and ring pops and those cheesy cards kids hand out to each other in elementary school. happy valentine’s day, stargirl. this one’s called — stuck on you.” 

when the show’s over, and the band’s played not one, but two encores, you’re flinging your arms around vi’s neck before she even has the chance to put down her guitar. she’s all sweaty, white tank top sticking to her torso. her ears are still ringing and her throat a bit sore, but all vi cares about is the feelings of your soft lips kissing across her cheeks. 

“you’re so fucking amazing,” you gush, pecking her lips delicately. “i mean, i’ve seen you play before, but never like this! vi, you’re….wow. electric, fucking radiant. you must be exhausted, though, ahh —”

vi kisses you, sweaty and breathless, until she’s practically sucked all the air from your lungs.

“not at all,” she replies with a cocky grin. “we’ve got all night and i’m not planning on getting any sleep.”

“ugh, gross. get a room,” caitlyn scoffs, playful but with a bit of an edge. 

“oh, we will,” you reply coolly. maybe you’re a bit jealous with how seamlessly caitlyn fits into vi’s new life, how much she’s able to see your girlfriend much more than you’re able to. she hasn’t been particularly friendly since you’ve gotten here, and she’s been a bit too touchy with vi in the tabloids lately. “i’m guessing you don’t have any valentine’s plans?”

caitlyn narrows her eyes at you.

vi laughs, probably about to make a lighthearted comment to diffuse the tension between you and caitlyn, but she’s called aside by their manager for a quick chat before she gets the chance. 

“i’ll be right back. cait, stargirl — play nice,” she advises, like you’re children fighting on the playground. 

once she’s gone, caitlyn’s frown turns into a smirk. 

“stargirl, huh? guess that explains her thigh tattoo. i didn’t think vi was that sentimental, though, so it must have been at your request.” 

you straighten your back, trying to mirror caitlyn’s combative confidence. “i think i know her better than you.”

“maybe before, when you were kids growing up in that nothing town. things change, darling. people change — who they are and what they want. if i were you, i’d accept that sooner rather than later,” caitlyn snarks as she finally walks away, bumping your shoulder just as vi returns to the pair of you.  

you don’t quite have the time to register the interaction, not with vi intertwining her fingers with yours and tugging you towards her body. 

“let’s get out of here, yeah?” she brushes some hair behind your ear. “we’ve got a lot of lost time to make up for.”

and, there was so much time to make up for — the days that have turned into weeks, turned into months, turned into years since you’d last seen each other in person, sometimes only speaking to each other once every month, for only two minutes at a time. 

you’d gotten so used to being apart that being together feels like a dream.

vi’s warm body presses against yours, barely making it to the bed. you just couldn’t resist pushing her against the door of the hotel room as soon as you were inside, lodging your thigh between her legs. 

“i, uh, i have a surprise for you,” vi breathes, groaning as you hum and start to suck bruises down her neck. 

“yeah? what is it, pretty girl?”

blushing and slightly flustered at the nickname, vi removes her shirt and sits back on the bed, gesturing at you to follow her. you hover on top of her and take in her naked form. 

“you…got your nipples pierced.”

vi grins. 

“can i touch them?” 

she nods enthusiastically. you brush your thumb over one and she shivers, causing you to pull away.

“no, it’s okay,” she assures, guiding your hand back towards her. “feels good.”

you start kissing her again. “you’re so fucking beautiful.” until you reach her chest. “can i?”

vi blinks up at you, eyes glazed over with honeyed want. “please. f-fuck,” vi moans when you latch your mouth to her nipple, rolling the cold, silver piercing along your tongue.

“you’re so sensitive,” you coo. you release her nipple with a pop, a string of saliva still connecting it to your wet lips. your fingers slip underneath vi’s underwear, gliding through her soft curls and down into her sticky heat. “so wet. you really missed me, yeah?”

“course i did, stargirl,” vi lets out a shaky laugh. “i want to show you just how much.”

you pout, and vi has the urge to capture that beautiful bottom lip of yours between her teeth. “but i wanted to show you how much i missed you.”

“well, like i said — we have all night.”

three orgasms later, and you’re nearing the point of exhaustion, but you’re determined to keep going, if anything because of how full you feel with vi’s fingers fucking into you at a truly impressive pace. the pads of her fingers are rougher than before, calluses from playing guitar so often, but she still knows exactly how to curl and curve them in every way that makes you unravel. her lips are shining with your cum, and you still taste her sweetness on your tongue. 

she grinds her bare cunt against the soft skin of your thigh as she brings you closer and closer to your peak while desperately chasing hers. 

“you close, pretty girl? gonna cum for me again?”

vi whines, nods eagerly. “i’m so fucking close. fuck — i don’t know what i’d do without you.” 

you groan when vi starts sucking at your pulsepoint, running her tongue over the chain of your new necklace. you reach a hand up to tug at her hair, gently coaxing her to look at you.

“don’t worry about that,” you promise. vi takes a deep breath as though inhaling your words and buries her face in the crook of your neck, butterfly lashes fluttering closed and tickling the skin behind your ear. “you’re being so good for me, so messy.”

“s-sorry,” vi sniffles, blood rushing to her cheeks. her body stills while she moves to meet your gaze, her puppy dog eyes shining with desire and desperation. 

you shake your head and dig your fingers into the plush of her hips, urging her to keep going.

“i love it,” you clarify, prompting vi’s face to brighten, her smile pure sunlight and sugar. 

you run your thumb over the scar on her lip that stretches with such familiarity, before crashing your lips against hers. vi welcomes your slick tongue into her mouth, swirling around every crevice until your tastes combine into one. the knot in your abdomen tightens and you, somewhat reluctantly, pull away to admire your girlfriend.

“i love how gorgeous you look on top of me, fucking me while using my body to get yourself off,” you continue, words flowing from your mouth like thick, sickly-sweet nectar. “i want you to cum with me one more time, yeah?”

vi whimpers into the crook of your neck, the vibrations intensifying the waves of pleasure crashing throughout your body. it doesn’t take long for vi to feel you clench around her fingers, and for you to feel her gush against your skin, staining the bedspread beneath your entangled bodies.

vi pulls away her fingers — you whimper this time at the sudden emptiness — but she places the softest kiss on your lips as an apology before adjusting to lay down on her side. she nestles into the curve between your neck and shoulder. her teeth graze your pulsepoint as you run your hand through her damp hair.

you should probably take a shower — the two of you drenched in each other’s sweat and saliva and cum — but all you want to do is to melt against her. maybe if you stay in bed, then time will slow down. 

“i wish you could stay longer.” 

“me too,” you whisper, idly tracing your fingers down her body. 

“you know, the art scene in this city is amazing,” she mumbles. “lot of galleries where you could show your work. nice, big apartments where you could have your own private studio space. you could move here after graduation.”

you laugh. “maybe in another life, where i could afford a place in new york. plus, at this point, i think it’d be best for me to move home after i graduate. but, hypothetically speaking — yeah, that would be cool.”

“well, hypothetically speaking, you would share rent with the pink-haired butch of your dreams.”

“you mean the one whose cum is drying on my thigh right now?”

“the very same,” vi nods with a cheeky grin. she throw her arm around your waist, pulling you in closer. 

you nudge your nose against hers. “paint me a picture — what does this dream life with my dream girl look like?”

“well, we get a place in an artsy neighbourhood, obviously, surrounded by a strong, welcoming community of queer artists, who are all quirky and colorful in their own way.”

“we’d actually be friends with our neighbours — host dinner parties and have movie nights and dance all night at gay bars. our apartment would have an open-floor plan, and we’d have big windows that give us a ton of light and a great view.”

“a beautiful kitchen, too. one that’s a little outdated, but we prefer the term charming,” vi adds. “and there are always fresh flowers on the counter, in a gorgeous vase.”

“we thrifted most of our stuff, so the furniture is all mismatched furniture and in every color of the rainbow —”

“but it works.”

“it works,” you echo, heart glowing. “we adopt a dog, too.” 

“and, the dog’s name?”

you think for a second. “scooby.”

“of course,” vi agrees, her smile suddenly sad. “sounds like a nice life we’d have together.”

“yeah. it does.”

you swallow down those dreams with a bitter dose of reality. you’ll be on a plane tomorrow, heading back to your childhood home, while vi continues travelling the world, performing to sold-out stadiums. 

i don’t know what i’d do without you.

the sad truth is that vi does know what to do without you, and you know what to do without her. that’s what this relationship has become: together, in theory, but growing into your adult selves and towards lives that don’t necessarily include the other. 

the vi beside you, hair a mess and eyeliner smudged, looks the same, give or take a few new tattoos and piercing. but, you wonder about all the little ways she’s changed that you might not ever have the chance to appreciate, about all the details of her day that you’ll never get to hear about. 

you wonder if, possibly, caitlyn is right. you know that people change — who they are, what they want. you want to believe that you and vi are the exception, that no matter how much you changed, you’d always be together. always. 

you then remember something else that caitlyn had said, and abruptly stop tracing designs onto vi’s skin, your eyes lingering on the stars on her upper thigh. vi must notice how you stiffen, because she cups your cheek, prompting you to meet her gaze.

“hey — are you okay?”

“i just — don’t take this the wrong way —  but….has anything ever happened between you and cait?”

vi freezes. “why….why would you ask that?”

“o-oh, it’s just….she mentioned something about your star tattoo and, i, uh, i don’t know. seems like the type of thing she’d only know if the two of you had —”

vi shuffles away from you beneath the sheets and sits up. “you think i’d cheat on you?”

“you aren’t answering the question,” you notice, watching carefully as a nervous blush blooms across her freckled cheeks. “did anything happen between you and caitlyn?”

“why does it matter? why are you asking?”

“i’m starting to think i have a good reason to.” you get out of bed in a huff and slip on her oversized graphic tee, starting to pace back and forth.

“i — look, i was going to tell you, at some point — we, uh….well, nothing actually happened.”

“well? what didn’t actually happen?”

“baby, just let me explain —” vi catches your arm to stop you. “we were both drunk and high and sharing a cigarette by the pool and….she….we….almost kissed.”

you scoff. “so that’s what this weekend was all about — you felt guilty, so you put on this heart-eyed romantic act to make yourself feel better. everything — this last minute trip, the shoutout at your concert, the fucking necklace you got me — was all because you felt guilty.”

“maybe that’s part of it,” vi admits. “but, mostly, i wanted to see you. i miss you.”

you don’t confess to missing her, too. instead, you say:

“maybe we don’t know each other as well as we used to. maybe….things are changing a bit too much.”

“what does that even — where is this going?” vi drops your arm like its a hot coal, red-hot and blistering. “do you wanna break up?”

the tension hangs in the air, a cloud of smoke and darkness between you and the girl you’ve always loved.

“do you?”

you get on a plane the next morning, bone-tired and heart-heavy with deja vu. 

you kiss each other goodbye, promise that you’ll make things work.

you don’t. can’t. 

a few months later, you’ll break up. 

___

[image: postcard reading GREETINGS FROM PARIS! messy handwriting and misspelled words on the other side]

stargirl,

i promised powder id send her a postcard from paris but im really really drunk rn and urs is the only address i can rememer 

they say this is the city of love and it’s the most romantic day of the yer but it means nothing without u. i miss u.

that mesage was 4 u not powder. just tell her i say hi.

xxx

vi

p.s. i know were not together anymore, but i still love u.

___

track 5: “i’ve loved you for so long” by the aces

(now)

“vi?” 

all the lights in the apartment are off, the only sign that vi is home being her discarded doc martens strewn by the door. there’s a chill in the air, too — the window to the fire escape is open, so you head outside.

the string lights twisted around the railing flicker like fallen stars, and the city sparkles in the late winter night. vi perches over the edge, her silk shirt unbuttoned at the top, her dark lipstick faded, and a cigarette smouldering between her ringed fingers. 

“i stopped at magnolia’s on my way home – got us a slice of confetti cake for dessert,” you try, keeping your voice light in hopes of avoiding a fight. you hoped that the sweet treat would be a welcomed peace offering; that maybe you could sit down in your shared kitchen and actually talk through the conflict like the well-adjusted adults you’re trying to be. 

instead, time collapses into itself; you’re both teenagers again, keeping secrets from each other in hopes to ease future pain, and you have a feeling you’re about to bicker like an old married couple, fall back into familiar patterns.

“sure you wouldn’t want to share it with drea, instead starlight?”

you don’t take the bait; you know vi wants to push your buttons, and you know that she knows exactly how. 

“didn’t realize you still smoked,” you say, moving to lean against the railing next to her. 

“whenever i get stressed.” she takes a drag to prove her point, exhaling smoke into the ink-black sky. “guess we don’t know each other as well as we used to.” 

“vi, please,” you sigh. “can we actually talk about this without you lashing out like a wounded dog?”

and, it’s true — vi’s instinct when she’s upset has always been rushing to sink her teeth into something to protect herself from more harm, or gnawing on old wounds until fresh blood emerges.

“what’s there to talk about?” she snarls, tapping her cigarette, ash falling down into the abyss below you. “how you lied about dating drea?”

“i didn’t lie,” you huff. the winter night shivers down to your bones, but you cross your arms over your chest to keep yourself steady. “i just didn’t tell you that i’d gone out with her, specifically. we each admitted to seeing other people after our break-up. you never gave me a list of every fangirl you took to bed.”

“i told you about caitlyn —”

“the tabloids told me about caitlyn,” you counter. 

“you knew how much i hated drea!” vi barks, finally whipping her head to look at you. “do you not remember how much of a homophobic asshole she was? how she told the entire hockey team that i cornered her in the showers one day and tried to kiss her?”

you bite down on the inside of your cheek, hard enough to taste copper.

“vi, if you just let me explain — she meant nothing to me.”

vi laughs, cold and bitter as the winter air. “i mean, jesus christ, you still have and wear the earrings she got you. meanwhile, you never wear that necklace i’d gotten you. as soon as we broke up, you were perfectly happy getting rid of me.”

“please, vi —” 

vi’s eyes shine under the starlight, and she clenches her jaw so tight that you’re worried the bone might shatter. “did you not care about me at all, even after all that time, everything we’d been through?”

you uncross your arms and reach out to her, but she flinches away. 

“violet —”

“no — you stopped caring about me to the point that you dated someone who made my life a living hell.” vi takes a shaky breath, and she chokes out your name. “we were best friends first, and i thought….god, i thought that meant we’d always love each other.”

the words hang heavy in the air, your heart pierced by her icicle-sharp words. in a haste, you wipe away the cold tears burning on your skin, turn around on your heels, and storm back inside. 

vi finds you a few minutes later in the living room. you’re using the swiss army knife you usually keep clipped to your belt to tear through unpacked boxes. though she’s not sure what you’re looking for, vi turns on the lamp to help your search. 

“what are you —”

you finally pull something out and offer it to her without a single word. 

vi’s fingers are still slightly frozen as she holds it, her eyes following the precise swirls and crisp lines, designs similar to the tattoos on her back. you must have drawn them on the worn cardboard.

“what is this?”

“open it,” is all you say before sitting cross-legged on the velvety purple couch, which the two of you had lugged up three flights of stairs from the street corner just the other day. you pick at one of the tears in the fabric as you wait.

vi stays standing while she carefully cracks open the lid, well aware that it could disintegrate in her hands like sand through an hourglass. 

what looks like a forgotten, ready-to-be-recycled shoebox turns out to contain much more than old sneakers: 

valentine’s cards she’d given you in elementary school; notes you passed to each other during class or detention; her first songwriting notebook she must have left at your place; a jolly rancher lollipop wrapper from the halloween party where you first…you know. little trinkets vi had given you throughout the years. receipts, movie tickets, photobooth strips of your younger selves. so carefree and full of love.

her anger, her hurt, melts away into sappy affection; knees turning to jello, she slides onto the couch next to you. 

you watch through the corner of your eye as vi rustles through contents of the shoebox-turned-time capsule, teeth worrying at your bottom lip. 

“you….you kept all of this?” 

“i put this box together on the first valentine’s day after our break-up. i was going to set it on fire,” you timidly admit, rubbing the back of your neck. 

vi snorts. “seriously?”

“some sort of stupid ritual i read about in autostraddle, to get rid of your ex. but when it got to that point…all of this — all these memories — i couldn’t bring myself to get rid of them. i didn’t want to get rid of you.”

you reach into the box and pull out a faded, drunkenly-written postcard, chipped-polish nail fiddling with the french stamp in the corner. 

“what about the necklace?” vi can’t help but ask. she runs her fingers through the delicate, dried violets from your corsage, which your mom had helped vi pick out a week before prom. 

“ekko wanted new sneakers for his birthday, so i did the nobel big sister thing, and sold my most expensive piece of jewellery to pay for them,” you explain. you and vi had instinctively shuffled in closer together, the shoebox balanced on one leg from each of you, your knees touching. “plus — yeah, i was mad at you. god, i hated you — which probably was the reason i started going out with drea in the first place, and i’m really, really sorry that i did. but, i need you to know — i never stopped caring about you. i never stopped loving you, violet, and i don’t think i ever will. ”

silence stretches between you. vi stares at you in the warm living room light — how your eyes are darker, your lips parted, shoulders curling in to protect your bleeding heart. vi gently takes the postcard from you and places the shoebox on the floor. 

“i never stopped loving you, either,” she promises, placing her now thawed hands on your cheeks. “and i don’t think i ever will.” 

you smile softly as vi leans in closer, her eyes flickering between yours and your lips. you nod; vi presses her lips to yours, a tender vow that grows into something hungrier, something with teeth. 

“gentler,” you tell her as you pull away slightly. you want to take your time, inhale the dizzying nicotine in her lungs, savor the acidic red wine on her tongue. 

“gentler?” vi’s already eager, though, her hand inching up your thigh.

“slower, violet.”

vi shudders as you trail your fingers over the tattoo on her neck. “have i ever told you how much i love it when you say my name?” 

“drea definitely wasn’t a fan of that habit,” you confess with a guilty grin. “one of the reasons we broke up is because, well...i kept accidentally saying your name during sex.”

“really?” vi chuckles darkly, a lightning bolt of possessiveness striking through her. “fucked you so good that i ruin you for other girls, hm?”

you roll your eyes, then suck in a breath when vi dips her fingers beneath your underwear, finding you wet and waiting.

“oh, sweetheart, you’re soaking. all this, just for me?”

“hm, i don’t know. drea did look pretty good in that dress,” you tease — because you know how to push vi’s buttons, too. “i have to admit, she was a pretty decent fuck.”

“don’t,” she warns, but her eyes are burning with desire.

you smirk, slipping your hand underneath her shirt. her skin is always warm, but, right now, it’s electric. her abs are sculpted by the gods, pave way to a thick haven of curls between her legs.

“maybe you need to remind me why your name always fell from my lips whenever she’d make me cum.”

vi’s cheeks are red-hot, her heart pounding against your chest as she pushes you onto the couch, and presses her body into yours. 

“it would be my genuine pleasure.”

everything else to ash, and you’re left with this: your lace underwear dangling off your ankle as vi pushes your legs over her shoulders. her slick, skilled tongue sliding through your folds and her rough fingers squelching into your hole at an expert pace.

“f-fuck, vi,” you moan, running your fingers through her messy hair. you don’t miss how eagerly she grinds down onto the butter-soft velvet once you start tugging at the strands more firmly. 

“feels good, yeah?” she moans like you’re the one fucking her. “i’m the one making you feel good?”

“yes.” you exhale sharply when she sucks on your clit. “i’m close, vi.”

“i know, baby,” she drawls, smirking against your skin.

“don’t stop.” you plead as she sucks a bruise into your thigh, fingers curling into you. “don’t stop, don’t stop —”

and, she fucking stops. 

“vi,” you whine. 

“uh-uh, you don’t get to cum quite yet, pretty girl.”

she sucks her honey-soaked fingers into her mouth as she gets up from the couch.

you pout, licking your lips even though you wish you could lick hers. “why not?”

“i’m still mad at you,” vi states. “you really did hurt my feelings. how do you plan on making it up to me?”

vi tries to resist, play the part of the jealous, possessive girlfriend — but, god, it’s hard, with how fucked out, how beautiful you look right now: your lips the color of ripe plums, swollen and stained with vi’s lipstick; the curls between your legs twinkling with droplets of your desire; and your eyes glazed over with lust as you gaze up at her from the couch.

“that new strap we got,” you suggest, still breathless. your breasts strain against the now-wrinkled silk of the shirt you’re wearing. vi’s thankful that it’s hers, because she wants nothing more than to rip the fabric off your body. “you — you can fuck me with it.”

“is that what you want?” vi hums, fire burning in her abdomen as she watches you nod eagerly. usually, you’re the one who takes control, and that’s perfectly fine with vi, but tonight….

tonight, she has something to prove.

you’re both naked by the time you reach the bedroom, clothes thrown across the apartment floor as you take turns leaving bites and bruises on exposed areas of the other’s skin. you get down on your knees, the shag carpet shocking your skin as vi looms over you, gnawing at her scarred, kiss-swollen lips. you help her adjust the harness and attach everything accordingly, leaving a kiss on each star glittering across her thigh once you’re done. she makes you wait patiently as she coats the dildo with a healthy amount of lube.

vi offers you her hand, sticky with lube and your essence from earlier, and lifts you to your feet. she kisses you sweetly before pushing you onto the bed. 

"turn around," vi instructs. "on your knees."

you comply, already feeling yourself dripping onto the comforter in anticipation. vi kneels behind you on the bed, grasping the plush of your hips between her strong hands. you gasp when she spits onto your hole and starts to fuck into you, inch by inch. 

"you okay, baby?" vi asks once she’s halfway inside you.

"yes," you breathe. "keep going.”

so, vi continues gliding further into your silken heat, and once she’s nestled inside you completely, her thighs meeting your ass — that’s when she turns on the vibrations. vi moans, so loud that you’re sure the entire building can hear. she starts grinding into you, but otherwise doesn’t move.

“violet.” you snap your neck back as far as you can, appreciating how perfectly dishevelled vi looks behind you, eyes rolled up to heaven, drool trickling from the corner of her plump lips. “are you gonna keep fucking me any time soon?”

“it’s just so much,” she whines, and continues rutting against you.

it is so much — the waves of pleasure quivering from her body to yours, the subtle burn of her happy trail rubbing against your skin, the melodic timbre of her voice — but it’s not enough. 

“i know, baby. but i need more. if you don’t do something now….maybe there’s someone else i can call…”

your words effectively reignite that spark of jealousy, and she growls. vi slips out slightly, only to thrust back in, over and over, until you’re a moaning mess beneath her. your body starts to shake, but before you almost collapse onto your elbows, so vi reaches one hand to your neck and lifts you up so that her pierced nipples brushed against your back.

she kisses the back of your neck, trailing her hand down to pinch one of your nipples and you hiss, dizzy with pain and pleasure. she moves her other hand below the harness, rubbing her swollen clit in tight circles and gathering as much slick as she can. she brings those same fingers, glistening in the moonlight, to your lips, and you let her shove them into your mouth so you can finally taste her.

"this enough for you, greedy girl?" she taunts. 

you are greedy, when it comes to her, suckling on her digits like a lollipop while she stretches you open so deliciously, the obscene squelching of your pussy accompanying a symphony of moans and curses. 

"yes, violet. f-fuck, yes!" 

you feel vi groan against the crook of your neck, where her teeth had been nibbling at the sweat-soaked skin. 

“fuck — i need to watch you fall apart, knowing that i'm the one who makes you feel this good."

with that, vi flips you over, so she can watch you unravel. she hisses when your nails find purchase on her shoulders, digging down her tattooed back.

“you’re so fucking hot. so gorgeous. i’m so lucky that you’re mine.” vi’s voice is still rough and coarse with lust, but she’s looking at you all wonder-filled and soft-eyed, like you’re a work of art displayed at the louvre. “you….you are mine, right?”

the question is shockingly vulnerable from the woman who’s fucking you at a truly brutal speed, deep enough that you’re sure you’ll feel the lucious ache of her for days now. 

you bring your hands to gently cradle her face as you wrap your legs around her hips. vi snakes one of her hands down to rub at your throbbing clit, while the other rests lovingly on your tattooed ribs, where delicate violets bloom. 

“i’m yours,” you assure, and your heart glows when she beams above you. “you’re mine too, right?”

vi nods, damp strands of her hair tickling your forehead. 

“i’m yours.”

there’s a mess pooling underneath your entangled bodies by the time you’re both finished. 

for a few seconds, you both lay on your backs, staring up at the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling, until vi breaks the silence:

“did you say that you brought home a slice of cake?”

the two of you throw on some clothes, throw the sheets in the wash, and vi pulls you into her lap as you share the slice of cake at the kitchen table, chattering about everything and nothing for however long, until vi glances at the oven clock.

“shit — it’s midnight already. guess time flies when you’re having fun.” vi wraps her arms around your middle, and kisses your shoulder. “happy valentine’s day, stargirl.”

“happy valentine’s day, vi,” you smile, weaving your fingers through hers. you crane your neck back so you can feed her a bite of cake. “you’re the sweetest.”

“this cake’s pretty sweet, too,” vi jokes. she peppers kisses across your face until you’re giggling, skin sticky with frosting. 

“i’m glad you like it,” you laugh. “they do wedding cakes, too, but i think we should explore our options before settling on one for ours.”

vi’s lips pause just as she starts to kiss underneath your jaw. 

“do you mean for our wedding?” she smirks. “is there something you wanna ask me, stargirl?” 

“damn it —” you cough, almost choking on a mouthful of cake. “i - i had this whole thing planned - wait, let me —”

you disappear into the bedroom and reemerge with an intricately painted vase. you hand it to vi and sit in the chair next to her.

“this is what i made in my pottery seminar,” you explain. “it’s supposed to be like —”

“that mural you made of us senior year,” vi finishes, looking between the vase and you with stars in her eyes. 

“exactly. except we won’t have to spend saturday detention painting over it.” you chuckle at the memory as vi shakes her head with a small smile dancing across her lips knowingly. “i was gonna promise to bring my beautiful wife fresh flowers for this vase every week and then i was gonna ask you to look inside….” you gesture at vi to do so, and she reaches in to pull out a velvet box. “and then i was gonna get down on one knee —”

“it’s okay — you’ve already done plenty of that tonight,” vi laughs, and you bump her shoulder playfully. 

“and i was gonna tell you that i love you, that i have for basically my whole life, and that i want to spend the rest of it with you,” you finish, heart fluttering in your chest. 

“i can’t believe you were going to propose to me.” vi places the vase on the kitchen counter behind her, smiling at you softly. 

“is that a yes or….?”

instead of answering, vi walks over to the couch, reaches behind and pulls up a heart-printed gift bag, and hands it to you. she watches intently as you pull out a turquoise-blue collar. 

“damn, i did not know you were this kinky.” you raise an eyebrow at vi. “so, is this a yes to my proposal or….just something you just wanna try in the bedroom?”

“w-what? no!” vi stutters, her cheeks blooming pink. “i mean, yes! well – okay, i also had this plan for valentine’s day.” it’s very endearing, how vi’s scrambling to find the right words. your punk rock girlfriend, flustered and lovesick for you. “okay — there’s a dog at the shelter i thought we could adopt. i brought home the paperwork for us to fill out, if that’s what you want — it’s all in there. there’s a picture of him, too.” 

you reach in the bag again and find a printed photo of an adorable brown lab with the warmest eyes. 

“he’s adorable,” you squeal. “does he have a name?”

“scooby, of course.” vi grins. “so, do you wanna adopt a dog together?”

“i do.”

“i love the sound of that,” vi hums. “there’s one more thing in there for you….”

it’s a ring pop — and you’re not sure if it’s the sugar rush, or the woman getting down on one knee and asking you, so tenderly, so sweetly, to marry her, but your heart is absolutely soaring. 

“we might have to tell our kids a more pg version of the night we got engaged,” vi whispers later, when you’re back cuddling in bed under fresh sheets.

“kids?” you twist around in vi’s arms to find her grinning at you. “is there something you want to ask me?”

“is scooby not our first child?” vi guffaws and you poke her ribs at her cheekiness.

“true.”

“besides, you know what they say, stargirl,” she practically sings. “first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes —”

you cut her off with a sugary, confetti-flavored kiss, your smiles melting into one.

[esote-rika]

on the stroke of midnight | Spencer Reid

Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!Reader Category: angst Summary: A pregnancy scare with your boyfriend leads to a serious conversation about the future Content: one mention of a foot fetish, pregnancy scare, talk of pregnancy and kids, established relationship, mentions of schizophrenia and mental illness, Cinderella and time as an extended metaphor and motif??? (Idk I was writing this while simultaneously writing my thesis on fairy tales oops), open ended ending  Word count: 2.2k A/N: I don't want kids and this fictional man does, so I'm making it everyone's problem. This is my first time writing pure angst, so uh, please let me know if I should continue with this genre or just go back to smut and fluff lol. Also shoutout to @notlongtolove and @darkmatilda who let me yap abt this ily girlies.

Ever since you started dating, Spencer Reid has been trying to figure out why you love Cinderella so much. He’s read through different academic papers, come up with his own silly interpretations that either make you gasp, or cry from laughing, and often leaves you marveling at his wonderful brain and all the ways it twists and turns. He likes games, you’d established that from the beginning when he ended your first date with a friendly game of chess. He had let you win twice before you’d caught on, and called him out on it.

It was on the second date when you brought up your love for fairytales, expecting an amused laugh at best, and an oh so you're one of those Disney adults at worst. However, you got neither. Instead, Spencer Reid had launched into an explanation of the cultural significance of these stories, asked you about your favorite, and then proceeded to tell you about the different versions of it across history and continents. Somewhere between the Americas, he'd cut himself off, blushing furiously, before asking you why you loved Cinderella so much. 

By then you had already decided he's perfect.

You didn’t tell him the reason that night; you thought it was too pathetic to share on a second date.

“I’ll tell you if you stick around.” you had said cheekily, hoping that maybe the temptation of a secret will allow you to keep him longer. 

He had laughed, “So you’re baiting me into another date?”

“Is it working?”

“I would’ve asked you out again regardless.”

That had been the night you got your first taste of his lips, and you’ve found yourself hoping time would stretch on forever. If moments could be bottled up, you would have done so at that moment, kept it in your pocket for the rest of eternity.  

Five months of bliss have passed since. Your theory of his perfection just kept being proven correct throughout the entire time, the way he’s trying so hard to communicate with you and make up for plans that get shelved due to the demanding nature of his job. He’d come up with different explanations for why you love Cinderella, until it became a game of its own; him searching through the contours of the fairy tale and you denying everything he comes up with. 

At one point, he’d asked if it was simply because you had a feet fetish and you had to start wearing socks everywhere because the sight of your own feet would make you giggle.

You don’t mind it, the games, the way he insists on learning this about you. Spencer Reid's mind desires to understand how everything works, to turn over and mull and analyze, and the first step to that is by keeping track of the variables. You have always found this endearing. He knows how fast you can read — it depends on the genre according to him, but it’s somewhere around 350-400 words per minute. He knows your favorite stories and music, has found connecting themes between them, and now he’s trying to see where your love for Cinderella fits in all of it. Hell, he even keeps track of your cycle for you, resulting in perfectly timed moments shared in bed where you’re ravished, and he’s chanting your name, and the two of you are gasping for a god that neither of you really believe in.

When you miss your period, he notices before you even do, quietly offering two boxes of pregnancy tests. He kept track of how long it took before the results finally appeared — one test took three minutes and eight seconds, the other one three minutes and twenty one seconds. It had felt simultaneously like three seconds and three decades. 

That was nearly six days ago. Nearly a whole week has passed, and what you had assumed to be an insignificant fissure seems to have widened into a crack. It’s a rare night off for him, a moment of domesticity that should be relished, but instead, you wonder if the cracks have somehow turned into something else. A fracture. You move around the kitchen together like magnets with similar poles, close but never quite touching. It feels like a chasm between you. 

Dinner in the oven. Only the slow tick of the oven timer disrupts the silence, though it doesn’t really disrupt as much as it joins. Background noise, a lull that seems to melt with the silence to highlight the stifling atmosphere. He’s tossing a salad, facing away from you. You both know it is ready to be served.

His name is whispered into the tense air, your voice croaking at the last syllable, “We need to talk about this.” You watch as he tenses, back uncharacteristically straight, and your heart sinks to your stomach. 

“I guess we do.” He never guesses. Spencer Reid uses words that are accurate, god knows he has the vocabulary for it. So this, to guess, the hint of skepticism makes your skin crawl. “What is this, again?” 

You scoff. He can be so deliberately obtuse sometimes, “I don’t know, Spence, you tell me. You’ve been acting weird since I took that pregnancy test.”

He doesn’t look at you, but he does answer, “I just— I don’t understand why you were so relieved about the results.”

You’ve had an inkling this whole issue is about that moment. Both of you hunched on his couch while you waited with bated breath. He’d timed it, one stick taking three minutes and eight seconds, the other three minutes and twenty one; both had contained negative results. 

You still remember it, the utter relief that washed over your body, the way you threw yourself into his arms at the confirmation that he hadn’t accidentally gotten you pregnant. You’d said thank god so quickly, face buried at the crook of his shoulder, so relieved that you hadn’t really noticed his reaction.

“Spencer,” it comes out a sigh, patient and quiet, “We’ve been dating for five months. Of course I was relieved. Don’t get me wrong, I love you, but it’s a little too soon to add a baby to the mix.” Love. That abstract concept you’ve almost given up on, before he’d come into your life. You love him, you’re sure of it. It’s burrowed deep into your bones now, which is why you’re trying to get past this. Communication is the key to making a relationship work. You remind yourself you don’t need a fairy godmother to keep this going. You have agency of your own.

His head shifts, turning over his shoulder slowly, and those beautiful amber eyes meet your own. “Is that all?”

It feels like an accusation, even though you know he’s just trying to understand. You gulp, trying not to get defensive, “I suppose not. If I’m being honest, I was relieved because I don’t really want children.” 

There it is. A cardinal sin, a sickness of modern women. You wait for his words to turn bitter, the familiar accusations of selfishness, the condescension. 

Instead, he looks at you with wounded eyes, “You don’t want children with me?”

“What? That’s not what I said.”

He pauses, Adam’s apple bobbing as he gulps. The oven continues to hum softly in the background, its built-in timer clicking at equal intervals. In a different context, it might have given you a sense of peace, but right now it feels mocking. Your time is almost up.

“Spencer, that’s not what I said, honey.”

“Yeah, I heard you.” he turns back to the salad.

You watch him helplessly, searching for any way to bring him back to you.

“You kept asking about my mom,” he murmurs, “It’s not that I didn’t want you to meet her, it’s that, it’s—well, she’s in a home. A– a mental facility. She’s schizophrenic.”

This is not how you expected this conversation to go. “Spencer.”

“I guess, you know, that’s genetically passed down, and it’s no secret that my teammates suspect I’m on the spectrum, so my genetic makeup isn’t exactly the most desirable in terms of a partner with whom you would want to—to procreate.”

God, you wish he had been like most people and accused you of being a selfish bitch instead. 

“No,” you gasp, crossing the space between you. His hand is cold when you wrap your fingers around it. Unfortunately, you don’t think you have any warmth to give. Your own hands are clammy, but you try anyway, tugging it away from the tongs he’s using to mindlessly swirl at the contents of the salad. “It’s not like that at all.”

“It’s not?”

“No. And I’m sorry about your mom, I–I’m sure this isn’t how you wanted to tell me about her.” the words feel futile, worthless. You’re entirely unprepared for something like this. He hasn’t told you much about Diana Reid, and you’d given him space, and now… now you understand why.

A beat as he considers. His body angles towards you now, his stance hunching forward into that familiar slouch you’ve come to love. You can’t tell if he’s relaxed or defeated, and that uncertainty burns in the back of your throat. “So you just don’t—”

“I don’t want kids, plain and simple. It’s got nothing to do with your genes, or your suspected autism, I just…” You falter, hands tightening over his own. You wish you could be more eloquent, but there’s so much uncertainty, so many truths being dropped in the span of minutes. You wait for more questions, for the inevitable but aren’t you worried about your legacy? Wouldn’t you get lonely? Motherhood is fulfilling for women. Sentiments you always get when you share this particular choice. 

You prepare your arsenal of responses, defenses you’ve practiced and perfected throughout the years, ready for any attempts to make you change your mind.

Somehow, he manages to choose the most devastating response instead. Muttering so quietly you almost don’t catch it, Spencer says, “But I do.”

You wonder how you got this long without ever talking about this? How had you gone five months with him, allowed yourself to let your walls down and fall in love, memorized the scars and calluses all over his body without ever discussing the topic of children? It seems silly, most people talk about that stuff from the get go, don’t they? To see if they would be compatible in the long run? 

But you’ve never had that before, the luxury of future plans. You’ve come to accept that the floor will inevitably collapse beneath your feet, that your time with someone will run out. When you’re used to having an expiry date, you don’t bother to make plans. The only way to survive is to live in the moment. Cinderella and her midnight curfew. 

“Oh.” It’s a filler word, but the silence is beginning to get to you. You stare at your entwined hands. His thumb is running back and forth across your knuckles, the action familiar and soothing, and allow yourself a moment to believe, to hope, that there’s time left for this. That time would never run out.

His next words break your heart even more, “I know it’s silly, especially with how much risk is involved. With my job, my—”

“It’s not silly at all, Spence.” you gulp, trying to push past the lump in your throat as you remember how he acts around his godson Henry in those rare times he’s had to babysit, “You’d make a great dad.”

“You’d make a great mom too.”

“Spencer.”

“I’ve seen you with your own nephews. You’re great with kids.”

“Don’t—”

“I’m not trying to change your mind,” he finally pulls you in, lips finding the top of your head, “I respect your choice, I do. I’m sorry that I seem like I’m pressuring you.”

“You’re not,” it’s even harder to catch your breath when your face is pressed against him, but you don’t make a move. Losing air seems like a fair compromise if it means you get to feel his touch. The way this conversation went has you reeling, confused. You’d been prepared to defend yourself, to explain your choices and make him understand, potentially to argue. His respect and acceptance is an entirely different battlefield, but no less vicious. 

With all the courage you can muster, you speak the words into existence even though you dread the answer. “Is this a deal breaker? Having children?”

He’s quiet. You wonder if this is even still a battlefield. You wonder if this is surrender, quiet and unassuming, a white flag raised before the fighting even began. If it is, then it stings, his soft acceptance. You almost find yourself wishing he’d try to convince you instead if it means he’ll fight for you more.

Your mind wanders back to Cinderella, the little game you’ve been playing, the way you’ve been holding out on the answer because it amuses you to hear the variety of interpretations and musings he’ll come up with. You promised yourself you’d tell him when the time is right, but now you’re afraid he’ll never get the answer. It feels useless, the cat and mouse you’ve developed, not when you’re faced with a real, human issue. A difference in life goals. Something communication potentially couldn’t fix.

His heart is drumming relentlessly against your cheek. It brings you some sick sense of comfort, knowing that he’s just as terrified as you are. 

“Spencer?” Is this the end? Please don’t let this be the end, please don’t be another good thing I lose.

The timer on the oven dings, piercing in the tense silence. Your midnight curfew has come. Dinner is ready.

Happy Valentines <3 thank you for reading, here's the rest of my masterlist

Also tagging @olderwomenenthusiast ty for the interest it is here

[cloudmonarch43]

[ID in alt text, repeated below the cut]

My to-watch list is pretty short now and it's not especially satisfying to write about movies while trying not to say too much about what happens in them, plus I barely like Instagram anymore (where these posts are focused), so it'll probably at least be a while before there's another post like this. But never you think that I don't want to talk about movies!! (Oops, I never noticed I wrote the wrong year for Alien. It's right in the alt text because I typed it all first and then copied it down!)

Image 1:

Saw (2004) is a very silly movie that manages to stay enjoyable the whole way through. Aside from a few good bits, I didn't like Saw II (2005). There were too many characters, underdeveloped, so that even in context it just felt cruel to kill them off. I like engaging with the mechanisms of the games, and yeah the point of the games is violence, but the second movie felt like it didn't care about the game part. It made some good moves as a sequel, but the first one was a lot more fun.

Rather than telling me a story, Dirty Dancing (1987) felt like it was telling me about a story. I liked watching the dancing, and I liked the story that was being summarized, so I liked the movie, but it was strange how much of it just felt like information. Even though the plot was a bit convenient, the great variety of relationships made it feel like a genuine world.

The first time I watched I Saw the TV Glow (2024), I didn't know what I was in for; I kind of stumbled home in a daze of delight and sadness. Movies are such a capacious medium and I love it when that potential is actually used. It also feels good to watch something where the queer interpretation is not just a side effect yet it's still abstract and metaphorical.

We're All Going to the World's Fair (2021) is a super effective movie about watching other people's videos. In reviews I saw, I thought people credited it with a lot that wasn't actually there—only a place was set, which the viewer automatically filled. It didn't resonate with me as much, but I think it's cool to be put through the same sort of process as the characters.

[pencil sketch for Dirty Dancing of Johnny and Baby dancing]

Image 2:

Pretty much everything I wrote in my journal about The Sixth Sense (1999) is using it as a comparison to clarify other things, so I don't know what to say about it on its own. I enjoyed watching it.

After that I rewatched some stuff.

2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) is great. It really lets you sink in, and there's a lot to sink into, both visually and conceptually.

Blade Runner (1982) seemed more self-contained and a lot easier to follow this time through. I liked it overall but it's so bleak. I guess it's supposed to make me think about what it means to be human but "either you're a cop or a little guy" is the undisputed thesis statement I heard.

The Thing (1982) remains one of my top favorite movies (which is a list I haven't written, but "I Saw the TV Glow" is on it too). I hadn't even remembered a solid half of the great special effects moments because there's just so many.

Alien (1979) didn't work out as well. I still think it's a good movie, but it turns out a lot of what I liked about it was the suspense that doesn't hold up when I know what's going to happen. I know people love to analyze this movie but it's just not catching me that way.

Challengers (2024) is all about three random people I don't have any reason to care about... plus I don't care about tennis. It's not really my kind of movie. That said, it's just about as satisfying as it could possibly be.

[pencil sketch for 2001: A Space Odyssey of an EVA pod]

Image 3:

Pulse (2001) is really sad. What if the loneliness was never ending! It's a high quality, coherent representation, and then it just exists and there's nothing you can do about it. (Also it definitely should have been called Circuit.)

I watched Happy Death Day (2017) because I love time loops a lot. It didn't give me more than that, but it was easy enough to sit through. I think it could've pushed its concepts further but at least it didn't fall apart.

Of course then I had to rewatch Groundhog Day (1993), which I'd mostly forgotten, and I was delighted to discover that this movie rocks. It's efficient, covering a lot of ground without feeling distant or dense, and it really felt convincing.

Nightcrawler (2014) is brutal, unforgiving, and a great movie. Lou isn't a defeatable villain; he's a concentration. This movie refuses to lie, and that feels good even though the things it's saying don't.

[pencil sketch for Pulse of Ryosuke kneeling next to Harue, who is hugging herself]

[masonhawthorne]

What I read in January!

Oops, looks like I let things slip away from me again. But to be fair to me, I've been having a very busy and stressful time lately.

Songs of a Dead Dreamer, Thomas Ligotti ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

The Red Tower (ss), Thomas Ligotti ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Our Share of Night, Mariana Enriquez ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

The Wild Shore, Kim Stanley Robinson ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Grimscribe, Thomas Ligotti ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

The Book of Cthulu 2 Anthology ⭐️⭐️⭐️

The Mask of Apollo, Mary Renault ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Ghosts Galore, Fiona Glass ⭐️

Treasure & Dirt, Chris Hammer ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

South (nf), Earnest Shackleton ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

The Mangrove Legacy, Kit Marlowe ⭐️

The Other Boleyn Girl, Philippa Gregory ⭐️⭐️⭐️

Red Dragon, Thomas Harris ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Book of Horrors, Diane Hoh ⭐️⭐️

A few great reads this month, and a few clunkers.

I've never read Thomas Ligotti before, though I'd been meaning to find his work ever since I watched the first season of True Detective and read some of the criticisms of the writing (accusations that the script was heavily derivative if not outright copying significant portions of Ligotti's works). Some of his stories I enjoyed more than others, but I think he has a distinct style and approach to his work which makes it worthwhile checking out if you like weird/ horror fiction.

The Mask of Apollo is another stand-out, which I suspected it would be. I've been rationing out Mary Renault's books for a few years now, because each one is so delicious that I know I'm going to be sad when I've gotten through them all and don't have anything but rereads to look forward to. Mind you, rereading is a fine thing in itself, but there's nothing quite like the first read. This book is another banger, it sits much more closely with The Last of the Wine, than it does with either The King Must Die, or The Bull from the Sea, in that it is less mythological retelling than it is a recreation of the private personal lives of individuals. It has a deep, compelling way with character and place and really evokes a sense of an individual living in the midst of great historical events, without the historical nature of the events making the plot feel like a foregone conclusion.

And now a reread! It's actually been several years since I last read Red Dragon (since I finished my thesis! wow!) and on reread I remembered why I was immediately hooked the first time I read it. Thomas Harris is another one of those authors who has the skill of crafting characters that feel real and vital on the page, seething with their own foibles and grotesqueries, but also with their piquant moments of grace or kindness. A strong sense of humanity in the characters. As well, of course, as his lush and awful (as in awe-inspiring, not the other thing!) prose. I love these books so much.

Anyways, that's that for January!

ss=short story nf= non-fiction

stars awarded at my whim

[amoebasapph]

At Long Last, the Hugo Best Review (spoilers)

_-🦢-_

On the 31st of January, I finished Erin Somers’ Stay Up with Hugo Best. I initially found myself at a bit of a loss for whether I actually liked it or not.

It’s a book that didn’t live up to the hype for me, but I still think there’s something really special about it. Hugo Best is a fascinating book, with some excellent subtle character writing and tension, some genuinely great comedic timing, but in the end, it feels like a long joke with a bad punchline. Let’s discuss it.

I would generally consider the main thesis of Hugo Best to be "meet your heroes, but don’t meet their asshole friends." Or perhaps more simply, "don’t meet your heroes, please." In any case, the central concern is that of the social implications of celebrity. Our protagonist June is a great choice for such a story, as she is both religiously obsessed with the details of Hugo’s career, as well as being a disillusioned comedian herself who regularly parodies and crucifies Hugo internally.

The one issue I have with June is one I saw mentioned by another reviewer, Juli Weiner: she’s so BAD at being a comedian. There’s a bit where she cracks a joke ("baseball is about as comprehensible to me as particle physics") and another comedian flatly says she isn’t funny. And he’s completely right, what we do see of her stand-up is totally dull and the jokes she makes in dialogue are god-awful observational comedy. We're meant to sympathise with June but like. The joke was a total stinker, and all her jokes are like that. And yet, June’s internal narration is great! Her narration is packed with wit and genuinely fun to read, but it doesn’t carry over. I figured it was to show that she struggles to communicate? In that case, I feel like it might’ve been worth making her external attempts at jokes slightly more entertaining, considering how much of the book is made up of them.

Hugo, on the other hand, is an interesting case. Somers completely sold him to me as a celebrity, with the descriptions of his previous TV shows and controversies standing out as totally convincing, but he still felt undercooked as a person. I never really got the sense he was more than he first appeared, and perhaps it was a clever subversion of expectations: June’s roommate immediately suspects in the first chapter he has some horrible secret when he invites her to his home for the weekend but… He doesn’t. Hugo’s exactly as he appears. He’s a retired TV show host who doesn’t understand his teenage son, resents his younger replacement, and only dates his own fans. The best (I’m afraid the puns are unavoidable with this one) scene with Hugo is on the second night, when June comes into his room. I think it was more for the fact that at this point, I was so invested in their relationship as the first two days had been so promising, but the rising romantic tension just kinda… falters.

This bit is AMAZING. I loved it so much when I read it for the first time, and if the novel was a short story, it could've ended right there and I'd be happy. It's this excellent blend of unexpected intimacy and forcing down the words they want to say. The back-and-forth chemistry in the first two days between them is actually fantastic.

Unfortunately, it all goes a bit sour.

(This narration's actually great but also. This is directly following three pages of old people fighting)

I'm not exactly sure where Hugo Best loses its way but the story starts stagnating hard. The first two days are great, both fun to read and thoughtful about the ideas of celebrity and ambition, but on the morning of the third day, it basically overstays its welcome. The jokes are still good but the day after June meets Roman (Hugo's obnoxious, racist comedian friend), which is genuinely well-written and interesting, the story doesn't do much of anything afterwards. There's the big party that Hugo's been planning but oops, the rain was so bad, it ends up being cancelled.

(free my man comrade julian)

June and Hugo go to a bar in the evening, Hugo does his last ever comedy routine, and he shoots down her idea to promote new comedians from minority backgrounds, because he considers it to be "making ammends" for his past, rather than just. yknow. a good thing to do.

THEN the next day, in an interview about his retirement, he repeats June's idea verbatim and presents it as his own. It's a pretty good way to make his character feel scummy but I wish June had actually confronted him. She immediately notes it's her words he's saying, but never pursues it. I think that would've been a great scene, because leaving it as is without any follow-up just makes it feel like a very on-the-nose way of saying "Hugo's not all that great". In the climax of the back, June and Hugo have some incredibly tense and awkward sex on his boat (earlier scenes of their flirt-banter had more chemistry), and June leaves the mansion. The two never meet again, as Hugo dies not long after. This actually caught me by surprise when I read it, and this bit did admittedly make me cry.

It's so unflatteringly realistic, and it did actually hurt. I ended up not liking Hugo all too much, and I liked the decision to effectively have him die without achieving much of anything he wanted to do in his retirement. It's not cruel for the sake of being cruel, considering what we'd seen of Hugo, he wasn't likely to keep his promises, but it still works surprisingly well at making you feel miserable. June goes to his funeral, and tells the story of their weekend together to her colleagues, where it becomes nothing more than "a three-minute anecdote". The final paragraph is also actually great: on her way home, June looks at the constellations of the ceiling of Grand Central and says this:

I love this ending. It's smart and punchy, and I like how it is entirely based on a pun. It's fitting! I think that the ending is remarkably strong, but it just doesn't make up for the weakness of the story's middle and climax. It's an interesting case where the story does stick the landing, but the actual flight was boring and seemed to be going around in circles. This ending works incredibly well as a culmination of the story's themes, but after such a tedious climax, it feels like it's out of place. Hugo's death is a great idea, but it's dropped on the third last page, after far too much time being spent on boring bickering in the story's middle.

In conclusion, I think Hugo Best has some great moments and excellent commentary on celebrity. However, it loses its way half-way in - the pacing grinds almost to a halt, and it loses the breezy pace it originally had. It's still got good moments here and there, the ending being a highlight, but lacks the punch of the beginning. The romance, similarly, starts great, with June constantly reminding herself that the dynamic feels exploitative considering he was her boss and a celebrity but still finding genuine connection with Hugo - until the penny drops and it just feels like someone with no ideas creatively exploiting their partner. The sexual climax of the relationship just feels mechanical. They're literally just acting out the motions before it ends. That in of itself is interesting, but it lacks the emotional spark it should have had. I think most readers will root for them to get together, but the disappointment of that idea doesn't feel as disappointing as it could have. The relationship was always going to fail, but I wish it had been more explosive. In the end, Hugo Best feels... somewhat lifeless in what should be its most dramatic moments.

To sum it all up, I'd treat Stay Up with Hugo Best like a party: leave when you're having the most fun, before it goes dead.

Thank you for reading! 🦢

[likeshipsonthesea]

dex, team bicycle

the following bullet fic has been in my drafts for over a year now and tonight i remembered it existed, read it, and decided to post it. why? who knows. don’t ask questions. just ~enjoy~

so i got an ask about how anon trusts me implicitly when it comes to writing bc they believe that dex is the team bicycle and eventually ends up with nursey and thinks i’m down with that too and tbh they ain’t wrong so like

here’s a bullet fic instead of me doing any of the work i SHOULD REALLY FUCKING BE DOING okie

first things first here’s the dealio this is crack-ish but also not so crackish that my dumbass couldn’t see it happening so let’s just suspend some disbelief and have a good time

first time dex hooks up with a teammate it’s not at a kegster

maybe a little later he’s a little too tipsy at a kegster not really knowing his own tolerance for tub juice yet and he’s dancing, a little more white boy than maybe one would like but he’s having fun with it and that’s half the game, and he’s sweaty and maybe some glitter from other dancers has rubbed off on him and he’s glittery and shining and he catches someone’s eye across the room (holster, i’m thinking holster) and holster sees him and thinks fuck and dex is maybe really into how big holster is and just like follows him up to the attic when holster grabs his wrist and pulls because why not--

but this is not about that (at least not yet) this is about how dex, new to samwell and ncaa hockey and everything, wants to be the best he can be in everything so naturally he goes to the best person to help him with every thing (for school he gets tutors and goes to tutorials and goes to all the profs’ office hours, for social stuff maybe he trails ransom around idk (that’s for later)) but for hockey he obviously goes to the person you go to when you need help with hockey

jack

LOOK OKAY I GET IT ZIMBITS FOR LIFE BUT HEAR ME OUT

jack likes hockey. jack likes people who like hockey. jack likes when people are really into hockey

so when the little angery frog that seemed real appreciative of his butt on hazeapalooza comes to him with this frowny face determination asking how he can be the best player he can be, a part of jack’s brain that’s very quiet and seldom acknowledged goes “huh.”

and maybe they start meeting up for their own practices, practicing drills and plays so dex can get his speed up and reaction time down and just get better and jack’s benefiting from it too in a way, like trying to help a defensive player makes him have to switch up his thinking about things a bit and it’s helping his defensive play on the ice

and so this goes on for a bit and maybe they build up some inside jokes in between all the intensity and maybe there’s some playful moments in the locker room when they bump arms or throw a few chirps around and it’s cute okay and not too serious, jack isn’t in love with the kid (he’s a kid, lord, okay a lil problematic but if y’all know anything about my oc luke dex has Problems with Authority figures so whatever)

but the truth is jack doesn’t really have many people he’d be comfortable “relieving some stress” with, like there’s shitty but he’s ridiculously straight, and Camila went and got herself a girlfriend so that’s no longer a thing, and dex is there and eager and fun and

and long story short they end up fucking in the locker room oops

it doesn’t happen too many times after that, maybe once on a roadie, a few times at the haus. it’s fun, not in a laughing way or whatever, but it’s casual and it’s nice to get off and it doesn’t make jack any more anxious and dex is probably working through some issues he has with tall dark haired captains and they both get something good out of it, which is the point, anyway

and it ends maybe before winter break, either jack decides to focus on the nhl and his thesis and dex totally understands or dex realizes that maybe his thing with dark haired captains isn’t completely healthy and ends things but either way it’s nbd and no one on the team ever really knows, though it’s not like they lie about it either but who’s gonna ask, right?

and so dex and jack were fuckbuddies. for a time. noice.

now let’s return to that kegster scene, hmm?

so the way i picture it is dex hooks up with holster at a kegster, realizes it probably wasn’t the smartest idea he’s ever had but doesn’t completely freak out because holster’s a relaxed kind of guy, dex is sure it won’t get nuts

meanwhile holster wakes up freaking out because he just fucked ransom’s frog and that is so not cool so then he panics and avoids ransom and dex for like a week and then decides okay okay it’s not a big deal he just won’t tell anyone, it won;t happen again, it’s fine

and then he walks in on dex hooking up with ransom and he’s like Wow Okay So the Fine Thing Didn’t Work Out Huh

turns out while holster was freaking out ransom was really mopey about it and dex, not really knowing how to fix it, tried to comfort him and ended up... in bed

look this version of dex is a little thotty and knows like two ways of comforting people and he didn’t think getting drunk in the middle of the day was a good idea

and so long story short after some brief HUHs going around dex ends up hooking up with both ransom and holster for a bit (sometimes both at once!) and eventually the both-at-once-stuff makes ransom and holster actually acknowledge the feelings they’ve mostly been ignoring since their frog year and they explain this to dex who’s like okie bc he’s really only there bc they’re both hot and so ransom and holster get together and dex sometimes helps them out on date nights and that’s about it

lbr tho they never tell anyone how they actually got together bc they would never live it down so they say nothing and dex doesn’t either bc it’s not his relationship and the world goes on never knowing

so now we’re getting into the middle of spring term dex’s frog year and he’s kind of maybe sort of acknowledged that he has some kind of emotions about nursey that aren’t helpful so he’s attempting to repress real hard, but he’s also learning to repress less about other things, specifically his enjoyment of baking.

yup. you guessed it.

Bitty.

so he starts helping bitty in the kitchen A Lot, and sometimes they talk and sometimes they don’t and sometimes they talk about important things but most of the time they don’t, but at this stage in bitty’s life he is crushing very hard on a certain dark haired captain and that’s kind of really apparent in, like, everything he does so it takes dex maybe two weeks to realize what’s going on

and okay so it’s a little awkward bc 1-the fuckbuddies thing but also bc 2-dex knows how it feels to have feelings for a friend and it kind of sucks like a lot and he wants to make bitty feel better and yeah maybe this is another case of dex being bad at comforting people with his clothes on

but maybe also one day they’re talking about relationships/being gay idk something and bitty maybe casually (southern euphemistically) mentions that he’s never, erm, never quite, uh, never  done the dirty with a boy and maybe he sounds a lil embarassed about it idk and dex’s I Can Fix That brain switches on and he says, “I can help.”

and bitty’s like. what.

dex blushes and clears his throat and says it again. “i can help. i’ve, uh, done it before, and i can, like. show you.” then he pauses and, very uncasually, says, “casually.”

bitty, also pink at his point because he’s a sweet southern boy who doesn’t speak of such things, asks, “you’d be willing to do that?”

dex nods. he does not say that he’s done something like that before. he very pointedly does not say that.

and bitty, well, he’s pining and he’s been at college for a year and a half and the most action he’s ever gotten was with that boy who puked on his shoes and, you know, he came to samwell so that he could be who he is and maybe this is a way he can prove to himself that he is being true to himself.

it also doesn’t hurt that dex is v pretty, okay, bitty loves a boy with big shoulders and freckles.

and so dex and bitty start hooking up.

it’s somewhat like my The Arrangement fic where dex is sort of “showing bitty the ropes” but bitty, lbr, he’s a quick learner and he did his research so it very quickly just becomes hooking up for the sake of it

and it’s good. like. really good and both of them are benefiting from having someone to escape from their ~feelings~ in and bitty’s more comfortable in sexuality (like, his sexuality not his gayness ya feel me?) and everyone’s having a great time

then they lose the playoffs and emotions run high and bitty realizes how decimated he’s going to be by jack leaving and they don’t really have a conversation about it (let’s be real, neither of these boys talk about their feelings, at least not at this point) but dex goes home that summer with the understanding that he and bitty are no longer doing the thing, and that’s okay with him, really, because maybe now his feelings for nursey are becoming More of A Thing Than He Was Hoping They Would

of course bitty gets with jack at this time, so he’s kind of through the roof, and if, maybe, they have a conversation about their ex’s/past lovers and find they have.. more things in common than expected, well, at the least it’s a bit of a laugh and at the most well. let’s just say sometimes a ginger is mentioned in their bed WHATEVER OKAY MOVING ON

dex comes back in the fall ready to suppress the fuck out of his emotions and play some damn good hockey and who appears but this super eager tadpole

this now plays out as the first two chapters of my The Arrangement fic, though i guess now for canonical reasons whiskey ends up with lax bro and not tango, but that’s alright, we’re good at working on our feet here

for those who haven’t read the fic, dex shows whiskey how to gay sex while simultaneously gaining his trust and encouraging him to bond with the team and for personal reasons whiskey is a little shit but not as much of an asshole as he was in canon (look i love the guy but he’s a dick) and anyway go read my fic it’s good i promise #selfspon moving on

the latter half of dex’s sophomore year is spent mostly Not Pining for nursey and getting closer to him, friend wise, until the whole dib-flip, living together situation occurs, dex has a Freak Out, and ruins things a little

..this is getting off track, but long story short, his captains kiss each other on live tv and dex’s family starts to suspect that all those rumors that drifted around him in high school may have more truth to them than they’d been hoping and dex has a less than great summer break, coming back to school in the opposite of a good mindset

nursey also has a not great break (his parents are fighting, then he comes to school and breaks his wrist and can’t play hockey) and well we all know where this ends up

this leaves dex in a very mopey gross state and who to help someone feel better in their time of need than the sweetest little waffle you’ve ever seen in your life?

yes, it’s time for Hops.

now, this is a rather short lived affair, but over thanksgiving break, the entirety of the haus goes home to their families except for dex (who says he can’t deal with bus fare, and begs off any offers of help) and hops, who technically isn’t in the Haus, but stays there for the break while his parents are on a work trip during the holiday

dex ends up finding out just exactly how College Hockey Boy hops is when he almost burns the kitchen down trying to make a grilled cheese and dex decides then that he has to help this boy learn how to human, so they spend the first two days together with dex teaching hops all the basic skills dex thinks someone should know

this is included but not limited to: how to cook without making fire, how to change the oil in your car, how to hotwire a car, how to fix various different appliances, how to take the optimal notes, how to basic code, and how to sort and do your laundry

hops is enjoying the crash course (kid is just grateful to finally know where the detergent goes in a washer) but also, like, lbr. watching someone be competent in a thing--esp a thing you are yourself not good at--is a giant turn on, and so after two days of watching dex be really good at adulting, they settle onto the couch after doing the dishes and hops just gets on his knees and--

we aren’t smutting here on good christian tumblr but boy. hops is an eager kid.

anyway they spend a week fucking and then stop because hops falls in love with a girl in his intro class and then spends the next two months asking dex for advice on how to woo her, even though obviously chowder would be a better bet.

then comes the playoffs and everything is heating up and they’re on roadies nearly every weekend, still keeping up with their coursework, and it’s A Lot, and dex is really feeling it this year, especially with all the shit bitty’s been getting, and one night, on a roadie, he and bully get back to their room and dex collapses with a groan on the bed and bully, chill as anything, is like. “you seem pretty stressed. wanna fuck?”

and, you know what? dex is still his thotty (though more mature) self and he’s like, life sucks a little right now, why not get off

and so he does.

he and bully hook up through the playoffs and into the post-season (that post-final game sex is A Lot my dudes lemme tell you) but then dex gets elected captain and something twisty in his chest tells him that he should not be fucking someone on the team, especially not an underclassman, when he’s got that authority over him, and so he breaks it off with bully

who is pretty chill about it, since he’s bully, though he does miss the sex. the sex was p good.

and, to be quite honest, that’s it. dex wouldn’t fuck any of the baby frogs for the same reason he broke it off with bully (also ngl the senior-freshman thing doesn’t do it for him anymore) and so dex goes through his senior year of college without having any fuckbuddies--his first year of college so far, actually, where he doesn;t

the end

.

.

.

lol jk he and nursey start hooking up and it’s a Whole Bundle of emotions

in keeping with the rest of the fuck buddies, dex thinks that this is just like all the other times and nursey has no reason to think dex wants anything more and like. the sex is good, like very good, and neither of them are complaining per se but they’re also in love and haven’t said anything, and i imagine there are some ill-timed confessions prior to the final game of the playoffs and then they win another ncaa championship title and have sex in a janitor’s closet (but like,, emotional sex) and they live happily (thottily) ever after

i also like to imagine that there’s a point somewhere down the line when they all meet up for a reunion and something happens-- probably ransom and holster get a lil tipsy and finally tell the truth of how they got together-- and everyone basically does the spider-man meme but with “wait-you had sex with dex? i had sex with dex” and nursey--who knows bc dex told him when they finally got together-- is just sitting there all smug with his arm around a steadily reddening dex bc he’s fucking proud of the fact that everyone knows exactly how good his boyfriend is in bed

[clownstho]

@marvus-week day 6: Ancestor/Post Ascension

Harlan Xoloto - The Weakass Hater

So, funnily enough, Marvus is named after a real figure in Juggalo Lore.

Marvus the Strong predicted the creation of Faygo a few months before its release. He also fought and defeated Harlan the Weakass Hater, causing a civil war within the  Detroit Faygo Crew, known as the Faygo War of 1911. Those who followed Marvus the Strong branched off and created the Juggalos, while Harlan’s following created International Business Machines. Yes, IBM. This is the story as I’ve heard it and I don’t have an exact source, so if any real juggalo scholars would like to weigh in I’m happy to be corrected but here’s newsweek.

So I learned that and just. That fact alone is super interesting wrt the duality symbolism. And look, another perfect 6 letter name and a title that doesn’t fit anscetor naming themes... but who cares, The Grand Highblood gets to break rules and so does Weakass Hater Harlan Xoloto.

Now, when I think about the dancestors, I think of them as like the bizzaro world 12 trolls. Like what the trolls would have been if hussie made characters who were 16 and not 13. Stereotypes of teenagers and stereotypes of the fandom at that time. Strange mirrors that the main twelve get to look at to see themselves as they are perceived by others. Karkat gets to see a performative, emotional loudmouth talk people into submission, and hates what he sees. And those danscetors translate directly to their historical counterparts. So indeed,  ancestors are like you, but too much. Your DNA, imprinted with different experiences.

So when I think of Harlan, I think of someone with Leadership Qualities that he takes repeated advantage of, unable to run from fate or crowds of fervent worshipers who might be just as likely to praise him as kill him. So you know who popped into my mind immediately? Martin Luther. That’s right baeby, the 95 Thesis but on Alternia. This is a call out! Of capitalism in the church!!

Just picture it. Ancient Alternia, The Weakass Hater doesn’t like the sea dwellers coming in and influencing the church away from what he sees as sacred duties and towards canon typical troll capitalism. He posts that descent publicly, splitting the clurch and gaining the ire of idk trizza ancestor/condy?? what the fuck is lore but what i make it. Either way his best friend/little brother/Pierot Ancestor gets killed in a raid that he is forced to flee from, and then he is banished and later killed along with all of his followers in the wastes of Alternia.

Oops, was that a tragic ending I made? Well, I figured a weakass hater only gets named that if he loses, right? Like damn isn’t that a fucked up ancestor story? Not every ancestor gets to be cool i guess... Now be Marvus with THAT in the tabloids and under his chitter threads. No wonder some people think Ancestors are fucking bullshit, huh? Because history is written by the victors.

One good thing he’s known for is maintaining old transcripts, probably. Maybe he’s the reason there’s a restricted section for Marvus to even steal from... now that’s some deep time lore going on here.

Harlan was certainly more than historical accounts of him let on, but that doesn’t matter if it was never recorded... In the same way Marvus is certainly more than the press might know, but it doesn’t matter because the truth doesn’t benifit them.... the THEMES that exist here are so interesting.

bonus round: Beforan Dancestor Harlan writes goregle doc callout posts on chitter and auto blocks sea dwellers and imperialists. He invites you to clurch as a second date to critique the sermon and thinks putting glitter in his hair is praxis because it poisons the seas. has an instacram, soundclout rap career tba, is very unchill.

[nakajimaakane]

Akane-chan you're active again! It's been so long! I notice you have ceased reading Voltage too? I mean I get it now that there are less good stories there. Anyway, I also play MLQC, Wannabe and ToT, and they're far better than Voltage nowadays, aren't they? Just curious, who do you like the most?? Like I see your posts vary, but my guess it between Luke and Artem, right right??

hi anon! honestly, seeing asks from those who have known me since before my years of hiatus really made my day! firstly, thank you for dropping by in my askbox, i’m always happy to answer or just to converse at all!

i’ll put my response under the cut since it contains a lot of personal opinion others may not agree on :3

to answer you, yes, i read less of Voltage nowadays, mainly because of my status as a last year college student with a baggage of ongoing thesis and as much as i refrain to say it, yes, some other games like Tears of Themis really outdoes Voltage in some vital aspects. another factor that made me just done with them is the LC system, honestly that really wrings me dry. to me that’s kinda a rip-off with not much of major substance, especially for after stories they do in Destind. and do you know how Voltage is splitting everything in 2 parts now? i get why they do it, like with Oops, I Said Yes?! for example. the storyline and everything are great and all, so i’ll continue buying each of the upcoming story since it’s still manageable and a fun read overall. but i can’t barely believe it when i saw in JP app that the new title is LC and is separated into at least more than one part, like how much of that would cost? there’s even a bad ending for it so if you don’t spend any hearts at all, there’s a chance of you not getting good end like they do in MK and RMD, but a bad ending altogether.

maybe i’ve held this for a while now and that’s why i’m letting it all out to you anon, i’m so sorry. but well, you can say that’s also one of the whys i read Voltage less now, and i believe this isn’t the first time i’ve been asked too. but please don’t get me wrong, some titles are still good, like Oops, I Said Yes?! (even if it’s pricey, the story is still worth it, i’m waiting for Shu’s epilogue next!), Her Love in the Force (they’re far better now than in 2016), My Last First Kiss (as silly as it sounds, i’m rediscovering my love for this title after the 6th year sale), Irresistible Mistakes (some are pretty great, to me it’s Natsume), Our Private Homeroom (this title has everything, shame it’s just underrated), Romance MD (for the sub-stories), and Masquerade Kiss (honestly if forced, this title is the only one i’d spend hearts for). Kings of Paradise is great too, i’ve read some but the overall theme isn’t my usual go-to story so i only buy the ones that interests me the most. as for the f2p, SLBP is pretty good and dare i say that it’s the only title i’m constantly following from the start until now without long break.

that... turned out to be a long hella rant, i’m so sorry again.

and then moving on to Tears of Themis! yes, i love this title so so so much! so far, everything is going great in this game. my only complaints are how the AP is charging not quite fast enough and there’s a limit to S-chips you can get every week. aside from that, everything is simply perfect. SSR cards from gachas are actually pretty doable, the art is hella amazing, voice acting is on point and each character is unique in its own way, and even the MC is more than what i could have imagined! the main, personal and card stories are so great and i’m hooked every single time. everything makes sense and that’s why i love Tears of Themis in terms of storyline, MC and the depth of it all.

as for who i like the most... honestly you’re not far off the mark, but it’s more like i also love all of them too? like i love Rosa and Luke’s chemistry, mentor-subordinate relationship between her and Artem, playfulness here and there between her and Marius, and how eloquent and smooth everything is between her and Vyn? i basically ship her with any boy who shows up lol. but i think when it comes down to it, Luke and Artem’s personal stories indeed make me can’t wait to level up to read the next chapter. like there’s Luke and his bittersweet situation and Artem’s personal story is just the perfect balance of fluff and workplace conflict. i suppose that’s my kind of story :3

how about you anon? who do you like the most? looking forward to your reply! :)

[watch-grok-brainrot]

hey!! i'm back again with another ask! (god please tell me if i'm annoying? i just want to send you as many asks as i can but if i get too annoying, pls tell me off) my questions today are, what are your top 3 songs from the cql ost and what tea do you not like? like, is there a tea you don't like? also, is there a tea you like in particular? what cdramas have you watched besides cql?? - ❄🐇

hey snowbunny! you’re not annoying! i really appreciate you being so engaged with the mdzsnetcc event! :D 

cql ost fav songs: the characters songs for jiang cheng, lan xichen, and wei wuxian. they’re all so pretty and so sad. bu wang kinda  annoys me with the epic orchestra thing in the middle and wuji almost makes the cut but it’s just not as depressing as the others. though wei wuxian’s character song does lose points for the duet part that has a female voice and not yibo singing along... alas. 

i don’t like lipton? lol. so most ctc blends i’m meh on... but i don’t add milk and sugar to my tea for the most part so i need something that works well by itself and most ctc teas are made for british style drinking. 

i like many teas in particular. particularly their aroma and texture. some are light and airy and sweet. some are heavy and grounding. some are earthy and warming and smooth. i love so many teas for so many reasons. i can’t even begin to explain. i think high elevation taiwanese oolongs with crisp sweet and floral notes are a style that i will always love and always hold dear to my heart. 

i used to be really into BPAL (black phoenix alchemy lab) because i like the idea of smells carrying memories for people. and i like the idea of being able to differentiate smells and remember how things blend together to form flavors and then, in extension, feelings. so i got really into bpal -- which is an indie perfume company-- and started collecting samples (imps). in all of that i started getting better at picking out certain smell objects (e.g. rose or orange or honey etc) and really loving how bpal smells different wet in bottle, wet on me, dry on me, and dry at the end of a day. 

and then i realized tea has a lot of those qualities. it tastes different piping hot and kinda hot and warm and cooled. it has layers and dimensions. when you gongfu brew you can almost parse out the layers of flavors and really experience isolated snapshots of the tea as a whole. i liken it to chromatography for the chemistry folk. and in some ways tea became the merging of my nerdy science self and smell obsessed self and my gluttonous self. so it was a good fit. also booze. but booze is less.. socially acceptable to drink 24/7. :P

wow. that got long. oops. 

anyway, cdramas. omg. uh... a lot. i’m chinese so i grew up watching stuff... like i’ve been watching cdramas for a LONG time. (note: i went on a long ramble and i’m kinda sorry so don’t feel obligated to read all of this... ) i watched the mainland china’s version of journey to the west (made in 1986 i think.. go them on video tapes borrowed from idk where in the early 90s... the one episode i wanted to watch the most didn’t work. i was devastated).  and then a lot of wuxia shows -- mostly jin yong stuff. i remember i was 8 or 9 and watched a few eps of condor heroes. my parents finished the show without me. i was pissed. and at some point i watched dream of red mansion and romance of three kingdoms. both classics made into cdramas. and then i remember when zhao wei was in princess pearl. and i also watched 情深深雨蒙蒙 with basically the same cast... and a lot of other wuxia shows that came out around that time..uh.. early 2000s. i remember watching some show with zhou xun in it too around that time... and trying to find more stuff with zhang ziyi. man... zhou xun, zhao wei, and zhang ziyi were and are still all so pretty! and then i watched liu yifei (of live action mulan infamy) back in 2003(?) when she was in a few jin yong novel based show roles. and then um... i kinda got annoyed with the constant remake of those stories so i stopped watching them. but i did enjoy 天龙八部 and 笑傲江湖. seriously, i would watch the crap out of a 笑傲江湖 starring xiao zhan... but the novels were written in the 60s/70s and rather not LGBT friendly so i’m also fine with them never getting remakes... and then there was the meteor garden craze. i watched that, part of teh sequel (which wasn’t very good) and a few shows the actors were in... i really liked the MARS manga and was sad that the taiwanese adaptation of it as a show was meh. and around 2013-2014ish i started watching random crap... uh... like my first time seeing luo yunxi (who plays the white cat master aka chu wanning in hao yi xing / the erha live action) was in 何以笙箫默. and i was so confused by how weirdly they styled the poor man. he did not look good. the stying really emphasized his facial features to make his face look unbalanced. and i binged a few other shows while trying to write my thesis. i don’t remember them all. and then there was NiF and i also watched the Disguiser and some other random stuff as part of that rabbit hole. i thought “when a snail falls in love” was really cute even if the story wasn’t really that good. idk. i now put cdramas on in the bkgd while making gifs. so i’ve “watched” eternal love, ashes of love (DO NOT RECOMMEND. but skip around for luo yunxi being pretty i guess), love o2o. i’m currently seriously watcihng Ever Night. it’s so freaking good and king’s avatar (also on netflix) is my gif making bkgd. i have a soft spot for how pretty yang yang is... yeah. knowing the language helps me get through shows. lol. 

do you watch other cdramas snowbunny?

[the-last-airbadger]

My 2020

Hey y’all. So 2020 happened. That was a thing. Apparently. I know for a lot of people this year was uhm… pretty shit… but it was still a year that happened so it’s time for my annual reflection post (probably the only time I still post about myself on tumblr lol) and maybe we might even find some good things that happened this year!

 The Beginning of 2020 vs Now

So, a lot has changed since the start of the year. A pandemic happened, for one. I can’t believe that a year ago I could still go to class every day and see my friends and now I’m pretty much stuck at home every day. The year started out pretty normal and then march happened and well, you all know what happened next. The worst part about the pandemic for me personally was probably the fact that I barely see my friends anymore and I can’t go to class every day. Some people may not think that not going to class is that bad, but I really enjoyed university more than I ever enjoyed school and I was really happy going there every day, and I was already sad I’d only have 4 to 5 years to spend there, so when that period got even shorter it made me kinda sad.

On the other hand, I do think that mentally I’m in a much better place than I was last year around this time. Being home this much really gave me time to reflect and work on my issues, and because my sister was stuck in our house for a couple of weeks I got to talk to her a lot which really helped me feel better. I think in general my entire family (my brother, sister and mom) have become a lot more open with each other which I think is great! I guess quarantine can have some benefits.

 The Best Things about 2020

Okay, here’s is where we’re going to get even more positive and go over all the good things that happened (to me) this year! To be honest, most of the year was a bit of a blur so I probably will forget quite a bit, but I’m going to give this a try anyway. At the start of the year (when things were still normal) I was super excited to get into the next semester, as the one before had,,, kinda sucked, and those 6 weeks of class I had at the start of the year were really great. I remember me and my friends having a competition of who could get mentioned the most in our teacher’s powerpoint presentation so those classes were always interesting. I also finally got to dye my hair for the first time with the help of my friends. I’ve been wanting to do that for so long, and I’m so happy I finally got to do it! I even know how to do it myself now, and my hair hasn’t been brown since the start of march! Then, at the start of march, my dad and stepmother moved away and I permanently moved in with my mom. Before, I used to live with both my mom and my dad and I got really really sick of switching houses every week, so to finally live in one house and have all my stuff in one place was a bit of a relief to me, and I’m still really happy with it. After that, things become a bit blurry. I remember that at the start of quarantine in … April? I watched Sex Education or the first time, which is now not only one of my favourite shows ever, but also taught me a lot and helped me with some of the issues I was dealing with. We’ll skip over the subsequent sexuality crisis I had (I think I might actually be straight??), and skip straight to the summer, when I started watching I-Land. I watched every episode as it aired live, and because of this show my Fridays really became the highlight of the week. I don’t think I’ve ever been so invested in a survival show XD. The rest of the year was mostly just me spending time with myself. It got a bit lonely sometimes, but I also don’t think I’ve ever written as much as I have this year, and my drawing has significantly improved (if I may say so myself)! Especially towards the end of the year, when I started making a planning every day to prevent myself from wasting away all my time on youtube, I got super productive, and I wrote a lot, and made a lot of art, and I really felt good. I even started (gasp) working out. Yeah I know. Shocking right.

There was also a lot of good music that was released this year, and, to close this section on a great note, through one of my classes I finally found a group of friends to play D&D with! We haven’t actually played yet, but we will, and I’m so excited to play the game and get to know these people more! They all seem really kind!

 My Resolutions for 2020?

Now, here’s the part where we check whether I actually reached all the goals I set myself for 2020. As usual, I have no idea what my resolutions were, so I honestly have no idea how I did. Let’s see, shall we?

Express my feelings more (as in I get really awkward in any sappy or mushy situation but I would like to be able to tell people I appreciate them without cringing) – UHM way to attack me on the very first resolution jeez. I did get more open with my family but I still can’t tell people I care about them without cringing so this is a fail lol

Again, learn to depend less on other people’s opinion and trust my own – I’ve been working on it, I think I’ve gotten a bit better? So win?

Get my sleeping schedule back on track – did that! It’s a bit whacky again now because of the holidays, but October and November were a big success regarding this resolution

WRITE MORE. This time I’ll make some concrete goals: Either I’ll get my story’s first draft done, or I’ll write 100 pages on a single project – okay, so here’s the thing. I don’t think I did any of these particular things, however this time I am 100% sure I wrote a lot more than the past years. I cannot count all the files and pages and notes I have now, but I wrote a lot, so I’m counting this as a win

I want to try NaNoWriMo (not necessarily in November, but at some point) – yeah, didn’t do that oops

I want to read a lot again but maybe not as much as this year because I want to focus on writing too. 40 books? – 49 books babey

Read all my current unread books (Aru Shah 2, Skullduggery Pleasant 9, Gemina, The Mistborn Trilogy and Call Down The Hawk) and finish my reread of Heroes of Olympus and the Raven Cycle) – Did all of these except Skullduggery Pleasant 9 (the start was so boring I decided not to read it all) and The Mistborn Trilogy (I am about halfway through the first book I think?) so I’m counting this as half a win

Finally read a book by V.E. Schwab (I’ve been wanting to try one of her books for ages) – Did that! Read a whole trilogy. It was good but not as great as I expected them to be. I think my expectations were too high though

Finish Playing Twilight Princess (I promised my brother) – Did that! I’m really proud of myself and so is my brother

Go. Swimming. Seriously. It’s scandalous that I still haven’t done that after waiting so long to be able to – IT’S BEEN 5 YEARS SINCE I LAST WENT SWIMMING WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. I did buy new swimshorts but I still haven’t actually used them… shame on me

Try to worry less about school and not overwork myself – kinda?

Maybe try another drawing challenge somewhere this summer? I haven’t done any of those in a while and I feel like my art needs more attention – okay, so I didn’t do that, but I did at the start of the year make the resolution to make portrait/photoshoot-like drawings for my 8 main oc’s, and I did actually manage to finish that, and they are some of the best drawings I’ve ever made, so though I haven’t actually done a challenge specifically, I did do something

I want to try a 24 hour readathon – Yeah, didn’t do that oops

I kinda want to learn a piano piece as well, but I already have so many hobbies I want to focus on so I don’t know if I’ll have the time ☹ – yeah my dad sold our piano so… fail XD

 Expectations for 2021

Now, after last year I think it’s safe to say we can never really know what to expect. But! I’m going to guess anyway because it’ll be really fun to see next year whether I got anything right.

The first thing that I think will probably happen this year (if I don’t majorly mess anything up) is I’ll be writing my thesis next semester, and then in the summer I’ll get my bachelor’s degree. Honestly I can’t believe how fricking fast those 3 years went, but I guess I’ll just have to roll with it lol. Corona vaccinations will also probably start happening next year, and hopefully this will mean that going outside and seeing my friends will be possible again next year – at least a lot more than it was this year. I hope 2021 will be the year of hanging out with friends and getting to live a little again. Maybe even get to go to class. That would be great.

On to more minor – but no less exciting – things, 2021 will probably bring us a new season of Sex Education! I’m sooo excited for that holy shit. And, in a similar vein, I have high hopes for kpop releases now that SHINee is finally back, and it looks like Haseul is also returning to LOONA! 2021 will also be the year in which ENHYPEN makes their first comeback, and some of the other I-LAND contestants will also make their debut, and there might even be a new season of I-LAND as well in the summer? So there’s a lot of things to look forward to. Oh, and I almost forgot, Dan Howell’s book will be released in May, and there will be a new Grishaverse book, and the Shadow and Bone show will start airing, which I am really curious about. Again, lots of things to look forward to!

 2021 Resolutions

I’m not feeling as ambitious as I was last year, but there are a couple of things I want to try and do, so let’s jump into the resolutions!

I just came up with this today, but I think I want to try and build a bit of a skincare routine? The skin on my nose is kinda flakey, and I think it couldn’t hurt to try and take better care of my skin

Keep up with my daily workouts. I want to work out every day, except when I’m at my dad’s or when it’s a special day, like Christmas or something.

Be able to do either 50 push-ups on my knees, 25 normal push-ups, or both

GO SWIMMING

Keep up with planning daily! It’s a really good way to balance all of my 3195 hobbies and it helps me to not get stressed about school

Write (almost) every day. I need to make it a habit

Draw at least once a week, every other day if possible

Go outside at least once a week. That doesn’t seem very hard but with corona I did not realise how little I go outside if I am not forced to. Sometimes I spend 3 weeks without going out and I don’t even notice it. That can’t be good for me lol

Try to make healthier food choices. Maybe follow the lunch meal plan of the guy whose workout videos I follow.

Get my bachelor’s degree

Grow a beard. I’m getting closer… I know I’m getting closer…

Meet with my frIENDS and give them the alBUMS I have for them

Be more careful with my money, maybe even save a bit of money

Spend less time on social media

Read more educational books

I think that’s it! I can’t think of anything else right now so these will have to do. I wish that 2021 will treat all of you much better than whatever mess 2020 was! Happy 2021!

Last year’s post: (x)

@the-official-pentacorn @asiandutchgirl

[elstreem]

Book Collection

I had to dust down my bookshelf and it was a good opportunity to take some photos of my books! This is most of my collection, though some are up on my really high shelf and so were not included ^^; If I clean that I’ll just add a follow-up. (also long post and really bad photos I’m so sorry)

So first of all are my two most favorite series ever, the whole Septimus Heap series + the Pathfinder trilogy by Angie Sage, and the Mistmantle Chronicles by M.I. McAllister (I’m missing the last book though....). I love them too much that even after being taught to disembowel literature for my Creative Writing course, you can’t ask me for an objective critique. I suppose some people will disagree and say that you should look at your favorite things even more critically, but I just can’t. I’m not good at critiquing anyway.

Here are three of my favorite short novels. I lean towards fantasy most of the time, but these three were very well written fiction (Because of Winn-Dixie is realistic fiction, and both A Single Shard and Island of the Blue Dolphins are historical fiction, I think?) A Single Shard is really good, I want to look at Linda Sue Park’s other works.

After settling on comics as my thesis I ended up adding much more visual lit and art books to my collection. I rarely buy novels now, unless a really intriguing one catches my eye at a booksale.

So here’s my manga collection! With an obvious bias towards Akira Himekawa’s LoZ mangas (ironically I still haven’t bought the OoT one, which is the first of the Zelda mangas I think?) I wish I could buy the other volumes of Silver Spoon, it’s a really good read. The KH manga I was luck enough to catch at a booksale for only PhP 65, which is hardly above $1! The Zelda mangas I bought at Fully Booked (same goes for my art books) I wish there was a Fully Booked closer to me, the only other bookstores are National Book Sale (which are 70% school supplies and 30% books and usually don’t carry comics) and booksales.

Now for Filipino Komiks! The reason I got really interested in comics as an area of study is Rob Cham’s silent graphic novel, Light. Before that, me and my family have been reading whatever volumes of Pugad Baboy we could get, so the really ratty looking ones are the ones we’ve managed to keep up to the present time (I also have the giant copy of Pugad Baboy X but didn’t get to include it here). Thankfully, National Book Store stocks Light and Lost, but that is for usually for bigger malls (they used to have Pugad Baboy, but now I rarely see it there, but my copies of Kikomachine Komix are from there too). Dead Balagtas’s Tomo 1 (which is really gorgeous!) I was able to get at a comic event my college organization held at the university. However, Ella Arcangel, Elmer, 12 and 14 were bought at Komikon, which I was lucky enough to attend in 2018. Sadly, Komikon is probably the only best opportunity to buy most Filipino comic stuff, and I live too far from Manila to go every time. I wish I can go again. I was able to meet sir Pol Medina Jr. and sir Gerry Alanguilan at Komikon, I even got my copy of Elmer sighed. Rest in peace, sir Alanguilan :<

Maybe I’ll make another post detailing more Filipino komiks stuff? I really have a lot of feelings on this subject haha.

Now for miscellaneous English comics. I included Arzach though that book is a novelization of certain stories (it does have some illustrations though!) Hopefully I can buy an actual compilation of Arzach comics sometimes, it’s something I’m really interested in. That aside, most of these books were from the Big Bad Wolf Booksale (look, book sales are just my weakness, ok). I really enjoyed these two volumes of Flight and I hope to buy the others sometime. Vogelein I got from...surprise, a book sale! And I really love that one too. What’s not to like with fairies, even clockwork ones.

Now for the jewel of the collection...

The big and beautiful art books which I may or may not have deprived myself of a few lunches to be able to save up enough (also convenience store food dinners wooh! But please don’t copy me, eat healthily when you’re in college!!! >:0)

 I also have the Zelda Goddess Books and the BotW art book, which I I think I showed before in a Zelda collection post? But aside from that, here are the Art of Ghibli books which I thank Fully Booked for stocking. Howl’s Moving Castle was my first purchase because Howl, but man do I love the Nausicaa ad Ponyo art. I was also super, super lucky to get the art book for Kubo and the Two Strings at the Manila International Book Fair! That and a Japanese-only copy of Haikara Walker made my arm ache but I was so stoked to get them. (aand I forgot to include my Splatoon art book and Haikara Walker here. Oops.) I also have sky longing for memories/The Art of Makoto Shinkai up on the top.

I think that’s about it, but I very ready to discuss any of the books above if my rambling didn’t bore you ^^;

[sapphiresea]

The Earp Expo Experience

Wow. The three E’s. This is why I’m never in charge of titling things.

This past weekend, I went to Earp Expo in New Orleans and a couple of people have expressed interest in reading about my experience. Since I’m currently in the middle of the post-con crash, I’m writing about it now to alleviate some of that with memories of how completely amazing it was. Because...it was. The cast, the volunteers, and all the other Earpers made it one of the most special weekends of my entire life.

My Expo began on Thursday, right from the start when I met a couple other Earpers on my flight from Calgary to New Orleans. We knew each other from previous events and the twitter world, but hadn’t actually planned to go in together until it happened. Let me tell you, flights are so much easier when you’ve got someone to share them with –– especially the stopovers! We even met a couple of UK Earpers in the airport in Atlanta who were really great to chat with.

Our evening was spent with a few other Earp friends watching the Raptors game in the hotel bar. Kat even walked by once on her way to another bar and asked how the game was going, and at the end of the night, her and Dom walked by us again on their way in and waved at us. Most of the time, we just spent chatting amongst ourselves, but as the game grew closer, we all started getting into it. Even our bartender started cheering for the Raptors with us, and I don’t think I’ve laughed or cheered so hard in a long time. I’m not usually a sports person, but I was so into it.

The real expo started the next day, though, with registration. I had to get up so early because I was curling my hair and dressing up as Waverly from the Big Gay Dinner episode. I looked cute, though, and I got to spend the time between registration and autographs sitting in a meeting room chatting with people from across the world! Not a bad way to start.

The first thing I did with the start of the programming was to head to the autograph room to see Kat. I had a Bernie tote that my friend Abbie had made holding things to give to people. The line was long, but even the longest lineups were pretty fun because you’re never just standing there in silence. You’re with each other.

I gave Kat a bag of Old Dutch ketchup chips and teased her that she was eating the wrong kind, so I was going to fix that. She admitted she had never tried Old Dutch and said she was so excited to dig into them and thanked me for bringing them all the way from Canada. I also gave her a copy of Portia de Rossi’s Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain because of our previous conversation, which she said she remembered, and said she couldn’t wait to start.

Friday and Saturday, I was asking cast members to sign my final honours thesis. I told them that I had a bit of a tough time getting through university for awhile because I had gotten very ill right in the middle of it, but that now I was going on to grad school. I said I wanted them to sign the thesis because Wynonna Earp had helped to keep me sane through all of it. Particularly to Dom and Kat, I said that meeting them at Emerald City Comic Con had really given me the inspiration I needed to get through to the end and that it had paid off because I had gotten top grades across the faculty and won a couple of awards for it. Their names were all in the acknowledgements as a result, as well as a thank you to the entire Earper family, and that’s where they all signed.

Kat, along with everyone else who signed it (Dom, Melanie, Emily, Dani, and Varun), said she was very proud of me and that I should be very proud of myself for it because it was amazing and congratulated me on all of it. Emily, who signed next, made such a big deal about it. She told me that I was breaking barriers for women in research and that I had an incredible story that she would love to read one day. Dom and Dani echoed Kat’s sentiments. Michael Eklund came over while Dani was signing the thesis, too, and she asked if he had signed it because she couldn’t believe she was signing someone’s thesis. At least I’m unique? And I’ll get to Varun’s response later, when I get to the part where we met, because his was probably the best.

Kat and I took three selfies (even though I’m only posting two here) before I left to see Emily. I also had a photo op from the Calgary Comic Expo for her to sign from last year’s convention. She’s making a pretty ridiculous face in it and when she saw it, she was like, “Oh my god! What am I doing!? I’m so sorry I ruined your photo!” I assured her that actually I just thought it was hilarious and that I love that picture. 

I told her that I was glad to get to meet her now because back then I was still so new to watching that I wasn’t really an Earper yet. I told her that my dad and I started watching because the show was filmed in Calgary and we were both Calgary natives, which really excited her. We talked about the city for a bit and she told me that part of why she had been so jazzed about developing Wynonna Earp was that she could imagine just from reading the comics the potential to film in Calgary. We talked about the city a bit and she later said that since my dad isn’t big on conventions, we should come to set once it starts filming again. I don’t know if she really meant it, but it was so sweet anyway!

I also mentioned with my thesis that I was doing the expo instead of graduation stuff and she congratulated me on graduating. “I feel like I should get you something!” she exclaimed, apologizing for not getting me anything. As if I needed it. Bridget pointed out that she had beads on her table so she picked up a purple string and said, “Oh yeah. I got these for you. I went to Tiffany’s and got these for you,” as she hung them around my neck. The only beads I bothered to bring home from New Orleans. After we took a selfie, she asked if she could hug me, and of course, I said ‘yes.’

Next, I saw Dom. Her table was being a lot more rushed due to long lines, but she was still so sweet and gracious. She said it was really nice to see me again. I gave her a handmade card with a quote on it and a bracelet I hoped she might like, which she thanked me for and said both were beautiful, especially the card. She also asked to see the tattoo I had gotten of her writing from ECCC and smiled at the result. I love this tattoo like a lot. When she got up to take selfies with me, she also gave me a really big hug without me even asking, which was super nice. Kat had done the same, which was also great because I hadn’t gotten the chance to give her a hug at ECCC.

I had a couple photo ops after with Dom, then Dani. Dom’s was pretty quick. I had forgotten props at home for it, so I gave her rainbow sunglasses and we posed with those. Dani, I asked just to make a silly face. She asked for direction and when I had none, she said, “Just any funny face?” and I nodded. When I thanked her for the photo, she said she didn’t think I’d be thanking her once I saw it. But I did see it and I did love it, so I guess she’s wrong hah!

The representation panel separated my photo ops with Dani and Dom from my photo op with Kat. It was really great, but Varun totally made me tear up when he talked about Indian representation on television. I’m going to let the internet cover the panel, though, since I imagine it’ll be on YouTube at some point. My photo with Kat was also kind of dampened by my forgetfulness for props, but I gave her my cell phone and told her to hold it out of reach for me. She didn’t hold it all the way up, though, so I had to crouch a little to make the picture and it kind of looks weird? But I made it a meme anyway. Here’s the original.

Back up to the autograph area, I then went to see Dani. In addition to discussion of my thesis stuff, I also told her I loved Workin’ Moms and that since I’m Canadian, I was all caught up. I told her I watched with my parents, which made her laugh and exclaim, “You watch it with your parents!? Is that awkward? What did they think about the scene where I m*st*rb*te on the couch?” I just said that thankfully, I did watch some episodes without them. She thanked me for my support and I complimented her outfit before moving onto Varun’s table.

Similar to Emily’s table on Friday, Varun’s had a relatively short line but was taking a long time to get through because he was chatting with everyone for so long. When I got up to have my thesis signed, he wasn’t even sitting behind his table. Instead, he was stood leaning against it, and every time someone came up, he would engulf them in a big hug. He looked at me with a big grin and said, “I recognize you!” and I guess I kind of made a confused face because he added, “I think?” and we had an awkward conversation about how I’d never actually met him before. Oops.

The rest of the interaction was far from awkward, though. Varun is extremely personable and kind. He asked me a million questions about my thesis. Actually, most of the cast had questions as to what it was about and how to define words like ‘alexithymia,’ but he was genuinely interested in how I ran the experiment and measured all my variables, what populations I used, etc. We had a long talk about things like physician bias and gender bias in diagnosing disorders among other things. He said psychology has always fascinated him, along with meditation. He finally had to move on to some of the people behind me, but he gave me another big hug. The selfie we took was inspired by the one of Kat and I from ECCC because he saw it as my lock screen when I took my phone out and mimicked it because he liked it.

Although I was done with that for the day, I spent the whole of Friday night with a bunch of different Earpers, at restaurants and bars before taking a haunted tour of the French quarter with a new friend that was really fun. I stayed up way too late again, and thus became the pattern of the weekend. I’m so sleep-deprived, guys. I probably need a 12 year nap.

Saturday was a different beast. I arrived only fifteen minutes early and started with photo ops. A friend and I had a joint Unkillable Gay Squad photo first. Since we’re both academics and geeks, I brought my stats books down and we asked them to pretend we were teaching them stats. I think Dom has the best face out of everyone because it’s the face I get every time I tell someone I’m going into quantitative psychology. Kat was genuinely trying to read the textbook over my shoulder and when we were done, she was like, “Yeah, I understood none of that!"

An incredibly sweet Earper had extra cast photo ops. Since it was one of my best friends’ first convention ever, she gifted to us one of the cast photos. Another friend couldn’t find her party and was bummed to miss her photo ops so we pulled her into ours instead. Our plan for poses didn’t work because some of the cast were in chairs, so we told them just to do whatever pose they wanted. As I walked in, Varun made a point to tell me that he had been trying to explain my thesis to Dom the night before. So that happened. Crazy, honestly, because it means they were talking about me!! Madness.

Following that, a friend and I hopped into Melanie’s autograph line for her first signing session. We were early for it, but there was already a full line and overflow line, so we were the beginning of the second overflow. Everyone wanted to see her at once. I had to laugh, though, because while I was in line, I changed into my Lasagna Del Rey tee and realized that Mel was wearing hers, too. It was a long time before I would get to the front to point it out, but the time went fast enough. My friend and I met a couple other Earpers with Earp playing cards and we played a few rounds of Go Fish followed by Blackjack. We were also all fighting over who could collect the most Wayhaught cards. Good times.

Meeting Melanie was amazing. When she saw my shirt, she leaned back in her chair, putting on an offended face and exclaimed to her handler, “Are you seeing this!?” and proceeded to tease me about it. I had her sign the same photo as Emily and she squinted at her hair like, “What’s with all the flyaways there? Thoughts?” and then was like, “Oh, it’s because I had all my fake Wynonna hair in and was trying to keep it all at bay.” 

When I told her about my thesis, I added, “And just so you know, it’s not a crap thesis either. It tied for the Outstanding Honours Award and I got a certificate of academic excellence from the CPA for it.” Eyes widened and she held up her hand to high-five me and exclaimed, “That’s how we Earp it girl!” So I was pretty proud. 

She then pointed out the matching shirts to everyone again as she got up and whispered in my ear, “Did you know I was going to wear this this morning?” and told me to post the pictures on twitter because her boss needed to see it.

Immediately following Mel’s autograph session was my Earp sisters photo with her and Dom. I gave them big lollipops, which they loved, and as we started, Mel turned me to Dom and said, “She’s from Calgary! Did you know that!?” Dom looked a little confused, to be honest, but she was like, “No, I don’t think I did. The name’s Steph, right?” I nodded and she smiled, but before she could say anything else, Mel was like, “And she only went and wrote a thesis for us!” So maybe my masters should somehow incorporate Wynonna Earp beyond the acknowledgements and dedications. I have no idea how though lol. Also, as I was leaving, she pointed out again to everyone that we were matching.

A combined photo op with Dani and Mel was next. I asked them to recreate the distracted boyfriend meme and Melanie exclaimed, “Yes!” They asked me who each of us should be and I said they could pick whoever they wanted. Mel wanted to be the girl at the front and Dani went through directing the rest of the photo. When we were done, Melanie winked at me and said this was probably the best photo they’d done.

I had to run to an overlapping photo op with Dom and Kat right after that, so I had to change in the lineup back into the Equality shirt beneath my Lasagna Del Rey and put on beads and a hat before getting the rest of the props ready. Pride photos are a lot harder than anticipated! But I love how it turned out, and Kat really dug the tiny glittery rainbow cowboy hats.

I tried to get autographs from Kat and Dom again because I had giveaway items, but they ran too close to the start of Emily’s workshop, so I couldn’t. The workshop was so much fun, though. She asked that there be no recording so that content remains fresh for newcomers at future cons, so I’m not going to talk much about it. All I’m going to say is that it was really interesting and even more funny. Kinda wish she’d come teach my regular classes.

Aside from at Dani’s table during her signing, the only time I got to meet Michael Eklund outside of photo ops was actually on the sidewalk outside the hotel. I showed him my shirt and he hugged me. Sadly I was never able to make it to his table because I had booked myself with too little flexibility, and every time he was doing a signing, I was busy. Sad. I hope I get to see him at a future con because he’s super great.

Sunday started early with photo ops again. My first was a cast photo this time – the one that I had purchased for myself. I had a lot of selfie props and handed them out to everyone as I told them that I would be using this in place of a real graduation photo. Someone (I don’t remember which one of them) said that was a great idea and they all agreed. As I was leaving, they all cheered congratulations and clapped for me. I almost died, y’all. It was way better than walking across a stage.

Shortly after, I had another photo op with Kat to make up for the one I didn’t like so much on Friday. It did. She wrapped her arms around me and you can see on my face exactly how pleased I am with myself for asking for prom poses. She also asked to make sure I was happy with the grad photo and was glad to know I loved it. A lot.

I had a meet and greet with Dani Kind next, which was fun. That woman really knows how to make you laugh, even when you’re fsjdkfnkv freezing from air con being way too high. She told us about her campy new horror movie and talked a bit about Workin’ Moms and politics. I didn’t talk a lot except for the Canadian election stuff, but it was still super fun just to listen to her. 

I left to get into line for autographs from Dom for the giveaway, but because she had photo ops to get to, our line was cut off while we were still in overflow. We were given post-it notes with numbers on them to indicate that we would be allowed into her line first later. I hopped into Kat’s instead, but a few minutes later, they did the same for hers, so I went to take a breather with a friend until my last photo op.

My final photo was with Wayhaught and my friend for her first con. We asked them to kiss our cheeks, and I think my face says it all. Amazing. Kat apologized for getting lip gloss on my cheek but it really didn’t even matter. I loved it. 

Using my post-it from earlier, I went to Kat’s line first since her session was supposed to start sooner. Since I had both post-its, I and two others were allowed to jump lines when we were finished instead of getting into overflow. Nice. 

This time, we took our selfies first. When she sat down and looked at the names on the stickies for personalization, she was like, “You’re getting them for someone else?” I replied to tell her a bit about the girls I was having her sign for. She particularly loved that Kylie had decorated her grad cap writing ‘Aphrodite made me do it’ and signed that to her paper. 

I then asked her a bit about her experience going to Ellen Degeneres’ show, since she loves her so much (and so do I!). She got really excited and told me that it was absolutely amazing and hilarious, and that she had won a washing machine. I asked how and she said there was a giveaway and that she had also won a two-year supply of Tide. She had to sell the washing machine, though, since she didn’t live in L.A. at the time. She said if I ever have the chance to see her, that I should definitely go, because it was a real moment of seeing her hero live, adding that whenever she’s upset or depressed, she likes to binge Ellen’s talk show on YouTube or sometimes her comedy, which she also loves. I said I was a big fan of her sitcom, but she admitted she hadn’t seen it yet, and I told her to check it out some time.

Dom was my last stop, so I hopped into her line as told. She was moving a little faster, probably because she’s been so late at all the other cons lately, but was still taking time with everyone. She, too, took the selfie first this time. I told her I was getting these autographs for a giveaway for people who couldn’t be there and she exclaimed, “Oh that’s so nice!” I told her a little about the winners and she was jazzed when I said they were from across the globe (I told her the exact countries but just in case, to protect privacy, I won’t say where here). 

I said that I had a random question and asked about her experience with the Spice Girls musical, since I loved them growing up. She blew out a breath and said that was a really big time for her, and that it taught her a lot, especially being part of a big musical that flopped. But, she said, she did get to sing with them on opening night and meet all of the girls. I said that was really cool and asked who her favorite Spice Girl was. She thought for a moment and said it fluctuated between Scary and Baby. I agreed that Baby was always my favorite and she said that she was definitely the nicest.

Also, while she was signing the second photo, she kind of paused for a second and looked at it and then said, “Oh, I just noticed that.” She pointed to a darker spot in the background of the picture and said she had never noticed it before but that for a second, she thought it was moving and that it was a bug. Then she said that her brain was kind of sdfsdfgdg (honestly, the only way to describe the sound that came out of her mouth is a keysmash) and laughed.

As I left, I told her that I hoped she had a great weekend and she said she hoped the same for me. I left and realized I had dumbly left my water bottle on her table and ran back to get it. I zipped back off so I wouldn’t interrupt the next person’s time, but I saw her turn toward me and laugh, saying, “Great job!” Oops... What is it with teal water bottles always being left behind guys?

I went to the cast panel with a bunch of my friends and I think just about the whole room was in tears by the end of the closing ceremonies. Again, I’ll leave those for YouTube. The best parts are already online, anyway, but it was really cool to see it live.

The con was over, but some Earpers posted later in the night that they were having a viewing party in one of the conference rooms on the second floor, so my friend and I went down to join. It was so much fun watching with other Earpers. We played the pilot and then went down a rabbit hole of Wayhaught, including playing the cheerleading scene on repeat. My favorite quote, though, was when we were watching them kiss in 2x02 at the end, when they’re making up. Someone asked an Earper who was hard of hearing if they could hear and they answered, “No.” She said, “Oh, let me pause and put on subtitles,” and they responded, “I didn’t say I needed to hear it to enjoy it.” Wow. Mood.

Monday morning was check out and Dom was in the lobby. She was on her phone and people were looking but no one was bothering her. I went to the desk to check out and Varun appeared at the desk next to me to check out too. He got to talking to my friend who was with me about my thesis (!?) and when I was done checking out, I joined them. He said he and Dom were about to go on a swamp tour and he had to go but that he hoped to see us again at future cons and that it was nice meeting us. That guy really is the sweetest.

Anyway, now I’m home. And a bit sad. But mostly just overwhelmed for love for this cast and for Earpers. I didn’t put as much in here as I could about the atmosphere of the event. So inclusive and kind. Everywhere I turned, I made a new friend. I was always talking to someone, and often those were people I had never met before. There was so much laughter, so much bonding. So many generous, amazing souls. I can’t wait for EH Con and to see them again. I love this family with all my heart. Any sadness I feel came from a place of great joy, and knowing this community is still out there even if we’re not together is so comforting. I love Earpers with my whole freakin’ heart.

[nikatyler]

You might have seen me complain about this “graduation thing” that I had to write. (my English teacher actually called it a thesis, but that sounds too fancy in my opinion lol. I just...can’t see myself writing a thesis...yet. Language is funny.) Well, IT IS DONE. I CAN BREATHE NOW. I have some more things to finish before my graduation exams, and then I have to learn all the topics for the exams but for now, everything is fine. I’ll worry about this later. Speaking of exams and everything, I have one last month of high school left. When did that happen? There are the exams in May, uni entrance exams in June...and then I’m off to the so called adulthood. Help??

Let’s talk about sims for a bit...well, I’d love to but I’m almost never playing anymore. There’s no time. I’ll probably play BPR this weekend, as per usual. I guess I’ll start posting it in like June or July, so that will be almost a year since I started playing it. It’s going to be great, I promise. Well, the beginning already makes me cringe, but the things I’m doing now are fun. Kinda cringey too, but I feel like I can justify that since that’s cringey on purpose haha.

Replies now. There’s a lot of them because I don’t do these regularly anymore oops. It’s probably not everything because my activity feed hides stuff from me. I just know it. Smh tumblr

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset “Sammy: … Lydia: “Come on.” Sammy: “These…these two guys. They laughed...”

Can't believe I'm about to throw hands with some teenagers I haven't even met lol

Same lol. They won’t even ever show up but I hate them so much

myopiccc replied to your photoset “Lydia: “They should mind their own business! Sammy, listen to me now....”

I'm on your side Lydia!

She has a good valid point but if I could talk about this to her I would probably try to stop her too. She doesn’t think about the consequences haha

create-a-sim replied to your photoset “Sim Request: Michelle Emmons for @alfalfalegacy I do this thing that...”

she's soooo cute!!

Thank youuu! I really like how she turned out too!

melien replied to your post “post nsb”

Anon told you to post nsb so you should immediately go play and post nsb because your blog exists exclusively for their personal pleasure and entertainment! No excuses!!

Wait until they find out I want to post BPR next. Another sims 3 save. SCANDALOUS. HOW DARE I PLAY ANYTHING THAT ISN’T OUR LORD AND SAVIOR THE SIMS 4™. Sorry I read a post comparing ts3 and ts4 a few days ago and I’m still salty.

Anon pls don’t start a riot

melien replied to your photoset “Annabeth: “Uh…I think your face is stuck.” Regan: “Didn’t you know...”

I second this! It's kinda creepy when it happens

It’s too much. If they smiled a little less, I probably wouldn’t mind but this is just creepy. It kinda reminds me of that Momo thing that was everywhere on the internet a few months ago. My sister showed me a picture and uhh...I didn’t need to see that.

melien replied to your photoset “Adam: “Why can’t you be more like your siblings?” Lydia: “Umm, dad,...”

She's a modern day Tyler I guess

Sort of, yeah. Tyler kinda fakes it I’d say, he’s not as dumb as he’s trying to seem. It’s a role he chose to play for reasons. Which...probably makes him dumb in a way but oh well. Lydia...I don’t want to say she’s dumb because she’s not really, but there’s a slight difference between her and Tyler haha. I could talk about this a lot.

melien replied to your post “I`d looove to make ships with other people however I`m not completely...”

It's fine! Showing them in the legacy is more than enough. With people who I have the most ships with, we do discuss them, but it's not like 24/7 headcanon exchange, it just happens naturally whenever either of us has an idea. There's no right way to act when you have a ship with someone, so you're good! It's still much better than one-sided ship when the other person just isn't interested.

I’m the kind of person who would like to have everything clear, possibly broken down to a step-by-step tutorial haha. Even though I know some things don’t work like that. So naturally, stuff like talking to people confuses me a lot. Also, teamwork! I don’t know how to do it. Depending on who I’m working with, I’ll either be the one who does all the decisions or the one who nods and agrees with everything the partner says. Communication is hard, basically.

I think that here, another big problem with me is that I hate spoilers and I don’t want to spoil anything to anyone ever. Even if they probably have the right to know first. But hey, all the current ships I have with other people have been shown, maybe I’ll feel more comfortable doing it now?

melien replied to your photoset “Didn’t I tell you to go inside? “Omg muuuuum leave me alone.”

Caleb: okay

Caleb: *rises from his grave* “Don’t disrespect me, son-in-law.”

melien replied to your photoset “Hey hi hello I know everyone is busy downloading Strangerville right...”

Super late here but Myra and everyone else look great! ��

Thank! I’ve been thinking about updating the entire tree again though, giving everyone new pictures, so who knows how long this will stay whoops.

melien replied to your post “Why do y'all open sim requests when I have no use for more sims. �� I...”

Same :/ I want sims from everyone but I just know I won't use them anywhere in the nearest future and I don't want to put pressure on myself

Looking back, I’m actually glad I requested all these sims for gen 6 because it kept me going. I knew I had to get through the hard too-many-sims-in-the-household part because I wanted to show them in the end. 

I hate when people request sims and then never ever use them anywhere. Don’t get me started on “hey I want to start a new legacy, please give me spouses for all ten generations”, followed a few days/weeks later by “hey guys sorry, I’m not that interested in this legacy, I’ll be starting a new one” - and the cycle starts over again. Why would anyone do that? Just ask for a gen 10 sim when you get there, it’s not that hard to wait.

I mean, here’s what I’m doing right now - I’ve created a peach spouse for my bpr sim months ago, they haven’t even met in the legacy yet, but I’d already love to have the orange sim for the next generation because I’m so excited about this all at the moment. Am I going to ask someone now? Hell no. I didn’t play this legacy for like six months and even though I love it so much lately, there’s a chance I’ll lose interest in it again. I’ll ask for an orange sim when I’ll know I can do gen 3...it’s gen 3 right. Oh well.

melien replied to your photoset “I forgot this interaction existed. I don’t do weddings too often. My...”

Is this a wedding-specific interaction? I feel like I haven't seen it in my game yet but idk for sure

Yes! I think they can only do it with that moodlet they get as soon as they get married.

melien replied to your photoset “Lydia the…wait, I need a really good superhero name. Ah, I’ll think...”

Lydibug

Uhhhh, the other day I thought about how Eielyd (switched i/y because of her name, I know it’s eyelid) would be a really stupid nickname for her but Lydibug actually sounds cool aaaand it’s now canon she loves Miraculous Ladybug.

melien replied to your photoset “Lydia: “I’m gonna make fun of every asshole in this town. Starting...”

Ooooooooo good luck getting out of this one

Whoopsie

Something similar actually happened to me in elementary school, my friend and I were talking about which colour we want our house be when we’re adults and then I said something like: “I don’t know but I definitely don’t want it to be yellow! Yellow houses are ugly.” And she goes: “My house is yellow.” My face turned red and I started shaking because I thought I had offended her sooo badly. I remember I got out of it saying something like: “Your house is okay, I just don’t like the bright yellow ones.” I don’t know what I had against yellow houses, to be fair. But I didn’t like them.

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset “Sammy: “How was your day, Will?” Will: “Good. Very good. You need to...”

Oh my god Will ����

Don't jump ahead in the plot lol

Since he plays so much with magic, maybe he’s seen the future haha

autistichatkid replied to your post “Hi guys, I have a question �� I know some of you have been here...”

rose!!! idk exactly when but i believe miracle was a child and tyler had long hair

alfalfalegacy replied to your post “Hi guys, I have a question �� I know some of you have been here...”

Came in just before Miracle's gen started and have stayed ever since!!

lalunebleue replied to your post “Hi guys, I have a question �� I know some of you have been here...”

I first started following when you were doing the ts3/ts4 crossover story with Zoe. That was a really cool idea.

kyveria replied to your post “Hi guys, I have a question �� I know some of you have been here...”

right at the beginning of your nsb legacy, and I thought it was the best one! ��

harmoniouspixels replied to your post “Hi guys, I have a question �� I know some of you have been here...”

I found your blog around the time Caleb was pregnant with Miracle and the mommy jokes from Tyler began (I could’ve been following earlier, but I distinctly remember that)

simlovinggirl replied to your post “Hi guys, I have a question �� I know some of you have been here...”

I found you on Gen 5 of your Rose Legacy. Miracle's story still pulls at my heart ♥

autumndiesirae replied to your post “Hi guys, I have a question �� I know some of you have been here...”

I think I got your blog on my recommended feed during Ross' transformation in NSB

whysimstho replied to your post “Hi guys, I have a question �� I know some of you have been here...”

I was looking up nsb stories to read, and I found the breeze legacy which was around when Ross was still a child. Then I noticed your sims 3 posts and was like "oo that looks cool" so I started reading them from the beginning too lol

desira-sims replied to your post “Hi guys, I have a question �� I know some of you have been here...”

I came across a Caleb and Ross post. I then proceeded to binge read your nsb until I had caught up.

This post lowkey backfired. I asked just because I was curious and suddenly there I was, reading the comments and sobbing because this is so cool and basically, I love and appreciate you all so much guys, you have no idea.

I guess it’s one thing knowing you see someone in your activity feed all the time, and the other thing is actually remembering when you’ve started seeing them and how much they’ve seen. It’s insane.

It’s also interesting to see how I feel about many of these things now (Zoey and Miracle’s storylines are the greatest example) and then here you are still saying it was good...makes me wonder if I’m too hard on myself. I’m never satisfied with everything!

kymmaisims replied to your post “Plans for this week and other rambling”

Take your time! We understand ��

It’s going to be a few hard months now...but hopefully I’ll be able to do it!

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset “Annabeth: “Consider yourself invited, Micah.”

!!!

Here we finally gooooo

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset “Cassandra: “That was the dumbest romcom I’ve seen in a while.” Sammy:...”

The way Sammy looks at her in this post is really cute :')))

PROTECT

pxelblobs replied to your post “Nope! Not at all. I did not just read all 377 pages of your Rose...”

I did! It took a few days but it inspired me to play a non berry save.

Yay, I’m happy to hear that!

kymmaisims replied to your post “In case you were wondering why there were no timezone reblogs today: I...”

*cough* poses *cough* ������ Congrats on almost reaching a milestone! You deserve it!

Thank you! Three more followers left. That’s insane. I still feel the same way I did when I only had like 100 followers.

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your photoset

No, Miracle don't return to the aliens right now! You still have teens to raise! And a husband.

That would have been kinda cool if it happened, wouldn’t it? You’re not ready for what actually happened. Haha...haha...hahaha...just you wait, it starts today.

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your photoset “Calypso Heather for @sinfulwunders’s Melanie BC A long time ago,...”

Oh. My. God is she cool!

Thank you! I knooow, I love her so much *-* I tried doing some things differently this time and it was so worth it.

justkeeponsimming replied to your photoset “Look, she deserves a break. She freaking raised six children.”

She looks so adorable OMG

She does! My opinion on her has changed a lot through the years (I mean, she’s not my most favourite sim anymore, I don’t think her storyline was the best thing I’ve ever done etc), but nothing will change the fact that she’s the cutest sim I have.

harmoniouspixels replied to your post “˜ºï¸ Caleb Vatore”

Re Number 2: Yes, you're right! He's shown being romantic with women and then a guy in the vampire pack's trailer. We stan a canon bisexual icon

Ahh I knew I didn’t make it up! We stan a canon bisexual icon indeed

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset “Will: “A real fairy!” ??: “Huh?” Will: “I mean…oh my god. I’m sorry....”

Will's a big mood though. Cause I too would see a fairy and then immediately blurt something out like that ��

I wouldn’t blurt it out, probably (I don’t talk irl lmao), but I’d do something equally embarrassing and my reaction would be probably the same. I’d run away and feel bad about it.

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your photoset “One Year of Breeze NSB Legacy! On this day one year ago, as soon as I...”

Happy birthday, the Breezes! ❤️��❤️

fataleromeo replied to your photoset “One Year of Breeze NSB Legacy! On this day one year ago, as soon as I...”

I love these edits! ����

froggypixel replied to your photoset “One Year of Breeze NSB Legacy! On this day one year ago, as soon as I...”

This is so freakin cool��❤️❤️

justkeeponsimming replied to your photoset “One Year of Breeze NSB Legacy! On this day one year ago, as soon as I...”

ronnie these edits are SO cute! I love love love what you did with the screenshots in the background!

Thank you guys! ♥ ♥ I didn’t know what to do, so I just took some simple couple pictures and then I thought wait a minute...I could put screenshots from the two finished generations in the background!

I kinda wanna do the same thing for Rose Legacy which turns three years old this April, but I hate editing ts3 pictures - mainly because the alpha hair is a bitch to edit, at least for me. I’m pretty good at faking it, but I actually don’t know much about Photoshop :D Once again, thank you guys.

[pikapeppa]

Writer’s Interview

Tagged by @galadrieljones! Her interview was fascinating and really informative; I would recommend you all check it out. 

Tagging forward to @iarollane @charlatron @wardsarefunctioning @aban-asaara @thevikingwoman @athenril-of-kirkwall @fourletterepithet @oops-gingermoment @thunderheadfred @loquaciousquark @obvidalous@barddoc1992 and anyone else who wants to respond! 

Q: What is your coffee order?

I don’t drink coffee. Tea for me, please!

Q: What is the coolest thing you’ve ever done?

The first thing that comes to mind is going to Iceland in 2016. Driving all around the island and seeing the fucking glacier lagoon Jökulsárlón was just.... breathtaking. I’ve never seen a place like that in my life.

Maybe another cool thing I did was finally find the balls to do a cosplay (a casual, lazy one, but a cosplay nonetheless) last year when I went to DragonCon in Atlanta.

Q: Who has been your biggest mentor?

Uhh, I don’t have any? But in terms of people who encourage me and help me keep my chin up in those moments of self-doubt (YA’LL KNOW THOSE MOMENTS), I would have to give thanks to @schoute, @viktuuri-fluff-saved-my-life @emileoutofit and @lylypuceonarchive, either for listening to my whining, leaving the most lovely comments and encouraging words, or both!

Q: What has been your most memorable writing project?

Stormbirds and Stalkers, my Aloy/Nil Horizon Zero Dawn fic, was probably the most memorable. I was OBSESSED with writing that thing to the point of putting out a chapter almost every day for the month it took to write. When I hear songs from the playlist I was listening to at the time of writing that fic, it takes me straight back to the feeling of loving that ship so much and being so into the writing that I was ignoring almost everything else (INCLUDING MY EXTREMELY PATIENT FIANCE). To this day, it’s my most popular fic. 

In more recent memory, Damned Spot (the Fenris/Rynne Hawke bartender modern AU) is memorable because it has been incredible and inspiring to build the world with @schoute and to collaborate together with the fic and art. I’ve never worked together with someone on a project this way and it’s been so much fun. 

Note, also, that I have a Master’s thesis and two published scientific articles under my belt, and those don’t even get an honourable mention in terms of memorable-ness. Fanfic writing defines who I am as a writer.

Q: What does your writing path look like, from the earliest days until now?

Uhh... Well, I guess I wanted to be a storyteller in some sense since I was a kid. I really used to love drawing, and the first thing I ever wanted to be was a comic strip artist. I used to make comic strips for myself from as early as I can remember until I was in high school. They largely revolved around stuff I wanted to happen in my real life (vacations I was looking forward to, boys I had crushes on in high school, etc.). REAL SCINTILLATING STUFF.

In terms of writing specifically, I’ve always been comfortable with writing. It was always just something I could do pretty easily without thinking much about it, but it was never really a creative thing or a thing I saw as a special talent. Friends in high school would ask me to edit their work, and I wrote an essay in grade 11 that a teacher said was “university level”. (I wish I still had that essay, actually. The thesis was that Sigmund Freud was a feminist. He really wasn’t, but I quite successfully argued that he was HAHAHAH.) 

In university (undergrad and Master’s degrees), academic writing was just part of the work, so I just did it - again, without thinking much about it. Then I started working full-time and didn’t write anything really except for clinical notes and healthcare stuff for a couple years.

It wasn’t until I started writing fanfic in 2017 that writing became an actual creative process for me and something I recognized as a talent. It became a way that I could actually use my imagination - something I don’t feel like I had done since I was a kid. Fanfic has been the best and only way to express myself creatively; I never considered myself a creative person until I started doing this. So, I mean, I guess I’ve written things to some degree or another throughout my life, but I didn’t see myself as a writer until I started writing fanfic, and now it’s one of the skills I cherish most. 

Q: What is your favourite part about writing?

Getting that perfect turn of phrase or dialogue between characters that encapsulates what I’m feeling or imagining for the scene. And when people comment and pick out those things that I was so proud of writing, that is just the cherry on the sundae.

Q: What does a typical day look like for you?

Wake up at 6:50am, eat breakfast, go to work and spend the day wishing I was at home writing. Go home, do a quick yoga session in my living room, WRITE WRITE WRITE until dinnertime which is anywhere between 8-10pm because my fiance and I are both Creative™ and thus Not Adherent To Regular Mealtimes™. Cook (or order in), eat dinner and watch a movie/show with the fiance, WRITE some more depending on the time, shower and bed around 1:30am. Rinse and repeat. 

On weekends: wake up around 9-9:30am, yoga, breakfast, WRITE WRITE WRITE WRITE WRITE WRITE, with occasional irregular food breaks and poking around with the fiance to see what he’s up to (he’s a digital artist and filmmaker). Sometime around 8-10pm, cook (or order in), eat dinner and watch a movie/show with the fiance, WRITE some more depending on the time, shower and bed around 2-3am. 

If we go out and do something during the day, or if I’m actively playing a video game, then obviously the writing time gets eaten into lol. Oh, I guess we clean sometimes too. Sometimes.

Q: What does your writing process look like?

I like to outline before I start a longfic; I like to know all the main points of the story and how it’s going to end before I get started. For individual chapters or oneshots, I also tend to outline the main points or main pieces of dialogue before getting into the meat of writing the chapter. 

I listen to music CONSTANTLY. I actually can’t think unless there is music playing. I have playlists for all my ships. I often will pick one song that illustrates the feel of the chapter and listen to it on loop until the chapter is done.

Q: What’s the best advice you’ve gotten?

I’ve never really gotten any advice, so I’m going to paraphrase @galadrieljones‘ advice, since I naturally follow it and find it to be totally true: “Stay in the room. Once you’ve made the decision to write, don’t leave the room. If you leave the room, you’ll lose your momentum.” This is also the idea behind writing sprints - to force yourself to do nothing else but write for a set period of time, just to get those words out and stay in the moment of the writing. Yes, this might sometime mean I have spent 6 straight hours writing with only bathroom breaks, but those are often the days when I stop and feel like I’M THE MOST AMAZING HUMAN BEING IN THE WORLD because I got the damned chapter done.  

Q: What’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned?

Similar to @galadrieljones‘ response, I would say that the most important thing for me has been to keep the writing for the pleasure of it and not to monetize it. I have been asked before if I would consider writing fiction professionally, and my answer is a resounding ‘no’. If I wrote professionally, I couldn’t write exactly what I want to write on my own timeline, and I wouldn’t be able to share it immediately and garner the kinds of interactions and socializing with my readers that I really enjoy. Fanfic is the perfect medium that lets me write exactly what I want and to hang out with fun like-minded people while doing so. 

Q: What advice would you give someone who wants to start writing?

DO IT! DO IT DO IT DO IT!! I have so many friends who have said they want to write and don’t have the time or think they would be shitty at it - and I always say to JUST DO IT!! This also calls back also to some of the questions from earlier: if you really want to write, you may have to carve out time for it. MAKE time for it if it’s something you really want to do. Force yourself to find an hour or two and to fill it with writing instead of some other activity. If you really want to do it, you can and will find time for it. 

[chiseler]

Israel and the Far-Right American Left

Presidential elections are, for the most part, psychic events. Chimeras. Deceptions. Or, as Noam Chomsky calls them, “personalized quadrennial extravaganzas.” But Chomskyites are often puzzled to hear their anarchist role model, one election cycle after another, touting the mainstream Democrat.

So why does Chomsky, with a saddened, syllable-dragging and demoralized voice, encourage voters to participate in their own exclusion – i.e., the electoral process? His under-read Goals and Visions holds some answers. The essay, dating back to Dr. Chomsky’s heyday, makes a beautiful (and deeply counter-intuitive) case for anarchists supporting strong centralized government in the near term.

Voting is a provisional bulwark against absolute corporate tyranny, which must, so the argument goes, be defeated first – I’m not persuaded that Chomsky’s theory illuminates his latest White House hopeful, Bernie Sanders. If, as Chomsky argues, our American Democracy is some terrifying variety show, beamed into politically atomized brains, then certainly he's able to see the emperor has no clothes here. That is, Bernie (pardon the image): a butt naked cipher. I recently asked the MIT linguist a simple question.

"What has Bernie Sanders ever done to help Palestine?"

For years, international activists have been putting Palestinian dignity at the center of their program. And Chomsky's laconic response — "Not much" — won't surprise them. No stranger to equivocation where BDS (Boycott, Divestment, Sanctions) is concerned, I hoped to tease out whatever nuances might have created this strange contradiction on the American Left, in essence to answer my own query: "How can otherwise principled boycott supporters drop the ball and say 'oops' as historical Palestine experiences a genocide?"

If that word frightens you, you're in good company: Bernie Sanders, Noam Chomsky, and even Norman Finkelstein refuse it — despite a growing chorus that includes Israeli historian Ilan Pappé, who coined “incremental genocide” to define The Holy Land's occupation/annexation/extermination agenda. I'm sitting here in Brooklyn firing off emails in a chair designed by Ray and Charles Eames (so, please, don't call me an "armchair activist") — criticizing figures in my own personal pantheon.

Forgive me for what I do.

Stoop shouldered, he gazes out over his audience like a tortoise, half as old as time, in vain and reflexive search of the shell he left behind somewhere. Now, wouldn’t it be wonderful if this self-styled socialist were running for President? Sure, but Senator Bernie Sanders’ deportment and general appearance constitute a sadly instructive, big old honkin’ “tell” – only chumps and chuckleheads could possibly miss it. Outward displays of Hard Leftism fall away whenever Bernie aids and abets the Democratic Party in strange, stentorian Brooklynese.

Remember that solemn promise he made at the outset of his 2016 campaign not to run as an independent? And another obvious tip-off: pledging support for the Party’s foreknown nominee — i.e., the Monsanto shillaber with whom Sanders was so nauseatingly flirtatious. I keep these facts firmly in mind as I await honest responses to my pestering missives. Critical of the Boycott, Divestment, Sanctions movement, Noam Chomsky also fails to advance any feasible alternatives.

Nor, by his own admission, has Bernie lifted a finger: "He’s moved towards support for Palestinian rights, more so than any other candidate, but he’s focusing on domestic policy." To wit, Bernie "knows very well that any word on the topic will let loose the familiar and cynical litany of ‘anti-Semitism’." But isn't it even more "cynical" to suggest, as Chomsky does, that ordinary citizens be held to a higher standard than his pick for US President? Some of us risk opprobrium, and worse, every day because party politics are obtuse to suffering in Gaza, the West Bank and East Jerusalem. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders exploits disaffected voters by herding them back into the Democratic Party fold, under a primary assumption about their malleability, laziness and glib call for “revolution.” Though he claims to be a serious socialist, he actively supports a murderous wingnut Zionism. Take his resounding stamp of approval on “Operation Protective Edge,” which killed over 550 Palestinian children in 2014, serving Israel’s long-term agenda of land grabs, water theft, indefinite detention... a nigh endless atrocities list which includes the systematic torture of little kids (see UNICEF's Children in Israeli Military Detention, available as a PDF online).

I next decided to bother Chomsky’s old friend and political ally Dr. Norman Finkelstein, son of two Holocaust survivors and decades-long champion of the Palestinian cause. In recent years, Finkelstein has become something of a pariah on the Left thanks to his anti-BDS stance: "I think Bernie should be let alone in the primary to focus on his domestic agenda." This was getting monotonous.

Finkelstein unintentionally loops back to his mentor's essay, Goals and Visions, torpedoing its thesis as our half-assed interview progresses — acknowledging, for instance, that if Bernie couldn’t tax Jeff Bezos, and instead funded New Deal economics with attempted military cuts: “It could literally trigger a coup plot.” Responding to that same question, Chomsky answers with a devastating blow to his own theory: "Even if he were elected — a long shot — he would not be able to do much without a supportive Congress — an even longer shot.”

In plain language, Sanders and the rest of Congress are tied to the defense industry. So what about Uncle Noam’s (imagined) boundary line — the one supposedly separating captains of industry from democratically elected representatives? It’s a sham, though possibly a well-meaning one, like some avuncular bedtime story offered in lieu of reality-based hope.

Genocide kind of rubs me the wrong way.

I’m not sure there’s anything particularly “revolutionary” about pulling a bloodstained lever for state-sponsored carnage in slow motion. But, hell, that’s just my opinion. So let’s listen to Bernie himself — the old Bernie, who spoke a modicum of truth about our so-called electoral options. "Essentially, it's my view that the leadership of the Democratic Party and the Republican Party are tied to big-money interests and that neither of these parties will ever represent the people in this country that are demanding the real changes that have to take place."

It’s axiomatic that we don’t launch revolutions in the ballot box. And yet, here we have Sanders fans, crowding around a Smurf with dyspepsia as if he were Big Bill Haywood. To his followers, I’d say: If you’re counting on some latter-day Dem to save you from capitalism’s war-mongering and general rapaciousness, then listen to Bernie’s earlier, slightly less dishonest incarnation. “You don’t change the system from within the Democratic Party.” Now there’s a sentiment I can agree with.

Bernie’s sheep-dogging dovetails with his oft-stated support for pugnacious Israel, since both positions coincidentally strengthen Monsanto. The agribusiness colossus, known mainly for genetically modified crops, produced Agent Orange during America’s illegal assault on Vietnam, and now makes white phosphorous doted on by the Holy Land and that (surprise!) melts human flesh. Israel routinely and, yes, illegally drops the stuff on civilians in Gaza, since... well, a bunch of Arabs live there... Go ahead and Google the images – if you can stomach them – of civilian “collateral damage” roasted by Bernie and his newfound Democrat pals.

Who needs an American Left that parses us into a hopeless corner of complicity with the ghouls over at Monsanto; or into an equally occult alliance with Bernie Sanders’ favorite arms manufacturers at Lockheed Martin: death-peddlers spanning generations which, to the surprise of no one, have their own rollicking relationship to The Holy Land’s psychopathic ethno-nationalism. The same corporations profiting on Israel’s crimes are destroying the biosphere. So what's an impressionable, idealistic soul to do? It's either make common cause with an artlessly compromised left, or enter a nihilistic hellscape populated by the likes of Ben Shapiro, or Dr. Jordan Peterson. Some choice.

Israeli talking points, a species of American PR industry-calibrated blather and Labor Day Telethon sanctimony, relentlessly fuse democracy and religious statehood – two distinct conditions which will never mesh -- into grotesque synonyms. But as of this writing, 97% of the water in Gaza is contaminated; electricity has been cut to 4 hours per day; Israeli courts convict 99.74% of Palestinian defendants (not that many people are guilty); 85% of Israel’s “security fence” (The Apartheid Wall) is on land rightfully and legally belonging to the people of Palestine.

Standing opposed to it all -- and indeed ridiculed by America's preeminent professional anti-Zionist, Dr. Norman Finkelstein, whose sole income these days derives from working the college lecture circuit where he finds himself harangued night after night by 20 year old corn-fed Methodist William Henry Harrison High School Irgun-wannabes, for daring to suggest that the state of Israel might possibly have its own problem with mass-murder -- the amateurs in BDS, wielding the kind of principled Internationalist vision which helped bring down Apartheid in South Africa, chase one last hope.

It is a movement which has become beautifully amorphous, internalized by artists who refuse to perform in Tel Aviv, or inspiring students to tell the truth. Again. Finally. Without fear. Meanwhile, courageous young people within Israel are choosing prison and the death of their social lives over a collusion so easily embraced, and even sought, throughout the rest of the industrialized world. In a Land of Soldiers and unceasing bloodshed, this requires the kind of backbone and resolve that once inspired folk tales.

Ahed Tamimi, to whom this editorial is dedicated 

by Daniel Riccuito

Special thanks to R.J. Lambert

[princepestilence]

NYR: July in review.

Post-July horoscope: How exciting is it that your true potential reaches far beyond what you can fathom! That there’s always more you can do, more you can be, more to explore and more to discover. There’s literally no limit to the amount of learning and growing you can do.

How is it August already! How is life moving so quickly! Thankfully it’s moving in a really positive, exciting trajectory, one that has me waking up in the morning keen to see what the next day brings for me. (Not necessarily for the rest of the world, mind you. The news in the morning is always bad. But in my tiny tiny itty-bitty bubble of the world, the days are nice right now. The sun is shining. I am hopeful. I don’t think any bigger than that. I am simply a ladybird on the rose leaf of life, and what happens happens). 

Anyway, here’s some of what July was about:

first month at the new job! And I love it! Unfortunately I did get the plague and so was sick/working from home for a solid chunk of the month, but besides that time I’ve loved going into the office and really like my coworkers. Very very happy. 

don’t catch the plague.  Failed step one. Oops. It’s still lingering a little in what I can only describe as “there’s honey IN my lungs” feeling, but otherwise doing well. 

went to the gym more. I’ve been enjoying it so much. It’s been particularly nice to use that time for podcasts. When I was commuting for hours, I got into the habit of regularly listening, but I don’t like just sitting and listening at home, so this has worked out perfectly. Also despite being in isolation for two weeks, I did really well on my step count goals which feels good too. 

read so many books. Pretty much all I did while I was sick was read books, so I’ve significantly worked down my to-read pile. 

saw some theatre. Got my first invite from work to an opening night, which was pretty fun. Then saw a friend in a leading role being a sad gay Catholic boy, which was great as well. Much more like this on the horizon, too.

talked to a broker. This was the big one of the month. We’ll get pre-approval next week and we’ve already started going to open houses (and saw a place on the weekend that we absolutely love), so. There’s that. Sort of from any moment now I might get a ~mortgage, bayybeeeee~

In August, I will: 

get a mortgage? I mean, probably not, but it’s very possible and potentially even likely that we’ll start to make offers from next week if the places we’re looking at are what we want, so maybe? Or at least the first stages of it. Genuinely surreal to process. 

see more theatre. We’ve got tickets to several things already (nearly all comp, hell yeah) and I’m keen. 

submit a short story to a competition. This one’s just a little local one that ends this Sunday, but they payout is like $200 so it’s worth it. 

submit another short story to a different competition. This one’s actually very major and I don’t know if I’ll be able to write something that’ll even place, but you’ve got to be in it to win it, and technically I have until into September. 

submit yet another short story for an anthology. Sequel anthology to the one I was accepted for last year, so I’d like to get something into this one as well. I have until the end of the month and as of today have zero (0) ideas about what to write, so I need to figure that out and get onto it. 

werewolf chapter. Need to finish this thesis chapter so that’s my Fridays spoken for. 

go to the gym about three times a week. I feel like that’s basically every second day and a good habit to stay with.