#and also in light of that stigma of like “women not funny”

[kururi11]

i think as a girl the best compliment u can receive nowadays is being called funny

[kbagraces]

Flip A Switch - Lando Norris

Lando Norris Mafia AU

As much as we try to suppress the stigma, strong women will continue to be perceived as intimidating until you learn to love us.

PART 3 - Demons

I sped straight home to Mandi. She's my absolute ride or die, she's also the only person I've ever been allowed to be around. My father always hated anyone who tried to associate with me, Mandi somehow charmed her way into being my best friend and almost like an adopted cousin to my family. She's been by my side from the age of 15 and will be forever.

I may not have a gang of men supporting me but combined, Mandi and I have more intelligence than the lot of them. Mandi suggested there was no time to be wasted so we packed up all the stuff we could carry, my essentials consisted of all the weapons i could fit into my bag, Mandi however filled hers with clothes for every scenario as in her words "murderous rampages can still look cute". And I can't argue with that.

We had a plane waiting for us in Dover, we agreed flying from London would be a little too obvious however we were going to detour through London to possibly trick them in case they were tracking us in anyway. Keegan is not the brightest so I don't think he would've caught on just yet, but you never know his team might surprise me.

We sped down winding country roads, only an hour from London where we'd stop briefly.

Mandi reached to turn down the music, "What do you think Norris meant when he said his family leaving your dad was a misunderstanding?"

Now i love Mandi, but she does like to see the good in people. This was just not one of the times it was needed.

"Mands, he's a man. He's lying. As much as he painted it that he wanted to help me, there's always an ulterior motive, there always is with men in this business."

"Your dad was a man though. You trusted him, even more than you trust me."

"Daddy always had my best interests at heart. He never lied to me." I miss him so much, we were exactly the same. My mother used to hate the way we'd pair up in everything we did. My relationship with him fuelled Keegan's hatred as well. Daddy loved Keegan, he was a great father to us both. But daddy knew Keegan wasn't business minded, he was messy and he never planned things out or thought before he acted, he wouldn't make a good leader and he's going to ruin my entire bloodlines reputation if we don't get to Spain.

Keegan knows. Unsure when they're leaving.

"Why is he still reaching out to you?" Mandi questions as Lando's message flashes up on the dash. "You must've made a lasting impression." She smirked, I wasn't sure what she was getting at but i didn't appreciate it.

"Not going to send some love hearts back then?"

She finds herself too funny.

"Fuck off and put this in," I lean over my the centre console into my bag in the back, pulling out earpieces. She raises an eyebrow, I already know what she's thinking.

"Are we fucking spies now or something?" She laughs.

"I know you think it's excessive Mands but this isn't a drive along with my dad, you're fully involved now. It's just a precaution." She nods, slipping the device into her ear.

The low fuel warning light flashes up on the dash, "might have to make an early stop."

We pull into a rough looking petrol station. Mandi jumps out of the car beginning to fill it up. Watching her every move in case of any unexpected danger she waltzes into the station. She suddenly turns to the cashier before bolting to the dimly lit bathroom.

"Y/n/n, fuck there's two men sat in the cafe. Guns on the table, the cashier looks fucking terrified. I think they're- I hear her say over the earpiece.

The sound of glass exploding beside my head cut off whatever she was saying. Shards flew all around me, i instinctively ducked down into the foot well of Mandi's car.

"Mands. Don't move. Do not leave the bathroom" I stressed, popping my head up slightly, the men had disappeared from the cafe however the entrance to the petrol station door was swinging.

"Are you fucking joking? You'll die on your own!"

"Stay there!" I screamed, she's not here for this.

Footsteps clicked around the car, "I think we got her! The boss will be happy. Check her."

The passenger side door where I sat flew open, my gun being the first thing to welcome him, not the dead body he was expecting. A smirk found its way on my face as he scrambles for his own gun once more. One shot to the head. He slumps straight down. I jump out, where is this other idiot. "If you're going to put a hit on me, you actually have to hit me you fucker." I spit, sliding my way around the car.

"You've got a smart fucking mouth. They all say it's a shame you're a bitch with a body like that." I feel his arms clasp around me, pulling me against his body. One hand clasping a knife pressed into my neck, not hard enough to pierce the skin, but with one glide, dead. His other hand wrapped in his hand pulling my head back into his shoulder.

Fuck. I bend my arm backwards, grabbing at his manhood, squeezing and twisting. He screams out in pain, leading his grip to tighten, the opposite of what I was hoping would happen.

"Fuck you." He seethes, smashing my head into the side of the car. My vision going with every hit.

I hear Mandi, come out screaming. She's not armed. I made a mistake not providing her with a weapon, i didnt think we'd need them this early into the trip. Fucking stupid.

I want to yell at her to stop, I don't know how close she is.

I hear a gun shot.

Mandi.

But then the grip begins to loosen in my hair his head sliding down my back a warm trail of what i assumed is his blood staining the back of my hoodie. Did Mandi have a gun?

"What the fuck?" I hear her exclaim.

My body collapses finally, my vision still blurred but the piercing screaming sound in my ears slowly dispersing.

"How many times do I have to stop these situations before you realise I'm on your side?"

I know that voice. I'm starting to hate that voice. Lando.

I know he just saved me and Mandi, but he just can't mask the cockiness in his voice.

"How did you know we were here?" Mandi questions as she runs over to me, wiping the hair that was stuck to my head with blood away. Using her sleeve to clean up what she could.

"If they can track you, so can we." He shrugged. He's worryingly nonchalant after killing someone. I feel pangs of guilt even if i hate them, with Lando, not a care in the world, he was born to be a killer. I was taught.

"Thank you." I choke out, my voice hoarse.

"Nat has a place not too far from here. It's protected, you guys can crash with us tonight. No strings if you still want to be proud and carry on without us you can. But get some rest first." He speaks to Mandi, he can tell she's not as one track minded as i am.

"No we need to carry on-"

"Y/n with what car? You're in no state of mind to make decisions."

I try to argue but i feel Lando's hands already, grabbing both my arms, pulling me up. I lean into him, feeling a lot less stable than i convinced myself i was. Mandi already stepping into the car, Lando assists me to the car, my arm around his waist as his is slid beneath my arms.

"Good to see you again, y/n!" Natalie cheers as Lando places me in the backseat, he leans over clicking in my seat belt for me, I want to protest, but i genuinely don't think i could've done that myself.

Its strange how Natalie is so cheery as if she didn't just witness a murder, possibly two.

The mumbles of their voices all begin to merge together. I hear Mandi, shaking me to stay away just until we get to Natalie's.

All i could do was hum.

I can't fight it. Their voices finally disappear.

Masterlist

Taglist:

@barcelonaloverf1life

[georgiapeach95]

May-December Romances (Older Men Just Do It Better!)

Ahhh, one of my favorite topics of discussion. May-December romances. They bring a spark of joy to some (such as me) and perplex others. Since I am a straight woman, I’m going to be writing from the standpoint of a younger woman liking older men. Ever since I was 18, I’ve loved much older men. I’ve always found their maturity, intelligence, sense of humor, and attractiveness (not to mention their sexy grey hair) second to none. I never connected with boys/young men my own age, no matter how hard I tried.

My mother has always said I was born grown. I never liked being around kids and teens my own age. I always wanted to be around older people. I connected to them on a deeper level. It wasn’t superficial crap you get with the younger crowd. I was always the odd one out when it came to trends and what the “cool kids” were doing. I was more fascinated by what was worn in the 60’s and 70’s than skinny jeans and vests with white shirts under them (or whatever the hell that trend was in the mid 00’s). I was bopping along to my favorite band, ELO, and other oldies with my mother while everyone else loved whoever was currently hot at the time. And I was fascinated by all the beautiful and handsome Hollywood Babylon actors and actresses on the TCM channel that constantly played at my maternal grandparent’s house. I’ve always been an old soul and I’ve often wondered if I was truly born in the right time.

To say I’m light years ahead of my time or wise beyond my years is an understatement. I’m just a vintage girl. I can’t help it. But being a vintage soul doesn’t just apply to clothes, music, movies/TV, etc., it also applies to the men I find attractive. Now, you’re probably wondering what my preferred age range is and I’ll gladly tell you! I will only consider dating a gentleman who is age 50 and up. That is right, I only date either 50 or older and when I say older, I just mean older, I don’t put a limit on it. It is simply what I find most attractive and who I generally relate to. While I am extremely open with the age range and type of men I find attractive, I’ve gotten many an inquisitive look, and some even looks of downright disgust, from other people. It doesn’t bother me, however. I understand because of the “stigma” of a younger woman liking an older man, it makes people leery and question why? But, unlike many of young women who are drawn to older men, my reasons are NOT their reasons, and I will go to battle on that statement wholeheartedly any day of the week!

It isn’t the money, social status, travel opportunities, mansions, jewelry, or other shit that most young women are out for and crave from older men. Honestly, I could care less about those things. I am old school. I believe in love and romance. And I simply want a gentleman whom I connect with on every level, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc. In my eyes, love is everything. Everything else comes second. I do often get irritated and deeply upset with gold-diggers. I don’t see how anyone can be so shallow and cruel as to only want someone to get them ahead in this life. I don’t like that, and I’ll be damned if I ever believe that way!

It's funny, because in the past, older men have always been quick to ask me, “You do realize I’m a lot older than you, right?!” It’s like, duh, of course I know that! I probably wouldn’t be talking and flirting with you had you not been around when Neil Armstrong landed on the moon! They often find it hard to believe there is a young woman out there, such as myself, who wants to date them and be with them based on who they are as a human being, not strictly what they have to offer monetary and gifts wise. Well yes, us ladies are out here, but sometimes it’s like looking for a needle in a haystack.

It makes me roll my eyes when people ask me “But Christina, what in the world do you have in common with a 60 or 70-year-old?” All I can say is, speaking from experience, all the older men I’ve ever spoken with praise me on being able to relate to them and keep intelligent conversations about different topics going. I can always find something to talk with them and laugh about. However, I often find that hard to do with men my own age.

All in all, it boils down to this, to everyone who thinks the fact that I would date a man 50 and above is gross or unnatural, just get over it. Everyone has their preferences. Much older men are just what I find physically, mentally, and emotionally attractive and appealing. Everyone’s life is different, and it is what I want for my life. I’m not saying it’s for everyone. But for me, it’s pretty darn awesome! To all the adults who is either in or wants to be in a May-December romance, please keep the good thing going!

[frosinapopovskigrad701]

Week 3.2 SDL

The Business of Birth Control, Movie/Doco, 2021, Abby Epstein, Ricki Lake

The Business of Birth Control explore the complex connection between hormonal birth control and women’s health and freedom. Sixty years after the pill was revolutionized women’s liberty. Talking about this stigma that was put on birth control. The documentary film follow the feminist movement looking deeper into the important efforts to study birth control and also revealing some risks that are associated with the birth control pill. The film also looks that the racism in the industry and the history behind hormonal contraception. And how it’s something used against communities of colour. Talking on the topic of reproductive justice and how it’s a movement started in the 90’s by women of colour and how the history continues today. And how some women of colour have different views on birth control methods. The documentary also talks on how hormonal contraceptives are essentially safe and that is more on empowering women to understand how the contraceptives work; and what are the potential side effects that come into account with them. 

Plan B, Movie, 2021, Natalie Morales

Plan B is about a girl called Sunny and her friend, Lupe host their first high school party at Sunny’s house while her parents are away. Sunny loses her virginity to a different boy than she had planned. The next morning she found the condom was never taken off as she fears about being pregnant. Her and her friend are on the hunt to get the Plan B pill for her but she is soon declined her request. Taking a road trip to Planned Parenthood. But her 24 hour window is cutting it short. Having to go through obstacles such as getting lost on the road to Planned Parenthood. Which lead her to visit her cousin that’s a drug dealer than could potentially have the Plan B pill for her. But isn’t really a reliable source. It seems like a comedy movie and something that young individuals can watch. 

A Valentine’s special advertisement/campaign by Planned Parenthood, 2015

These are some funny, light-hearted postcard or card like style pieces of work. Done as a special for Valentine’s day to ensure safe sex within individuals and to show the different type of birth control methods available to them. The card like pieces of work have the classic to and from that is written on cards. The to is addressed to ‘you’ and then the from is whatever then birth control method that is spoken about. The advertisements have a very much funny and jokey tone to them when looking at the title on top of them to and the from. The humor behind the titles like, “so glad you put a ring on it” and “we’re in for the long run.” Having this humor behind it allows for this stigma on birth control to be a bit more lose and humorous. Having this approach and this tone allows individuals to be more open on the idea of birth control. Which goes nicely hand in hand with the line at the bottom that reads,”find a birth control you can love.” With the phone number and the website attached to make it easily accessible for whoever. 

[downtonabbeyrevisited]

Season Two Episode Two

Following a typically chaotic opener, Episode Two of Season Two strikes a far more sombre tone. The arrival of Henry Lang as Robert’s valet brings the first of this episode’s three plot points that address the impact of WW1 on the mental health of its soldiers. There is nothing funny to say about either shell-shock or suicidal ideation both of which are vast, complex issues that, for my money, Downton Abbey isn’t the vehicle explore in (because they require more time and depth than the pace of the plot in Season Two affords) and it certainly isn’t my place to make light of them in this rather irreverent corner of the internet. So I’m going to have a go at treading a fine line here. Forgive me if I stumble. 

Lang is clearly in the grips of something awful and yet in an attempt to avoid the indignity of having maids in the dining room, he is bumped up to footman duty. He struggles throughout, culminating in him depositing his cargo on Edith’s dress. Mrs O’Brein has firmly taken Lang under her wing, recognising that he is struggling and offers him assurance and comfort that she has never gifted to Thomas. 

Across the Village, Lieutenant Edward Courtenay is in the hospital having been blinded by gas. The use of gas (both chlorine and mustard) had a devastating impact on soldiers in WW1 but was also the root of the development of Zyklon B. Frtiz Haber, a German Jewish chemist, enabled chlorine gas to be used a weapon in WW1 and his research was later developed into the Zyklon process which was used by the Nazis to murder millions, including his own family. This is only one of a dizzying number of appalling ironies to be found in the World Wars but as I said last episode, I’m not a military historian so I’m going to leave it there. Edward had plans to return to the country after his graduation from Oxford to pursue the simple life (although one gets the feeling that his idea of the pursuit of a simple life will still be one that is very well upholstered). Thomas has taken it upon himself to read Edward’s letters to him and  together with Sybil is helping him to adjust to living life with a different set of parameters. But growing pressure on the hospital’s limited capacity means that he is to be transferred elsewhere. All three voice their dissent at varying volumes to Major Clarkson who falls back on the very real backlog of wounded men. After Edward has died, Major Clarkson, Isobel and Sybil talk about a renewed need for the Abbey to become a convalescent home, an idea that has been bubbling under the surface for a while now. Meanwhile, Thomas has been left on his own to process both Edward’s death and the implications of witnessing a lack of support given by his own physician to those with depression.  

The usually reliably jovial Mrs Patmore also has a more somber episode with her pursuit for the truth about the death of her nephew Archie. Robert finds that he has been shot for cowardice. Not only does this mean that her family is in mourning but they will now have to navigate the stigma and undue shame that came with having a relative die in this way. So entrenched in British life was the derision levelled at those who were shot for cowardice or desertion that it was only in 2006 that pardons were offered by Britain for 309 of those that were executed by firing squad during WW1. I know I said I’d leave it there with the military history, but that felt like an important bit of context. 

We are now in 1917 and Matthew is still in the same trench that he was in 1916 (a detail I hadn’t actually noticed until I got the screen cap for this) so it looks like his strategy of downing tools mid-fight and continuously popping back to Blighty for important plot developments isn’t really paying dividends. Perhaps the addition of William to the ranks will help him? William certainly seems to think so and if the speed at which he moves through the various stages of his ‘relationship’ with Daisy is any indication of his tactical prowess, the British Front will not only be well within Germany’s borders but will be breathing down Russia’s neck in a fortnight. In any other episode, this would certainly get the award for oddest relationship dynamic but Sir Richard Carlisle exists. 

Sir Richard makes his debut at Downton, having been introduced in name only in the previous episode. He and Mary met at Cliveden which is a regular haunt of mine, giving me hope that one day I too will from a strategic alliance with a newspaper magnate. He may know how to talk his way around a boardroom but he is lacking in the sartorial department. Whilst Sir Richard manages to avoid catching fire in his tweed, Lavinia is not free from the heat as he threatens her with his connection to her uncle. He may not know much about navigating the niceties of Downton, but at least he has cottoned on to the fact that any major disagreement should occur under a specific tree. Whilst Mary’s signature move is weeping into her gloves, Sir Richard’s is grabbing women by the forearm. A female friend of mine told me that one of her favourite things about the pandemic and the compulsion to keep 2m away from anyone (and not just emotionally) is that she has not been ’steered’ by a male hand on her lower back since 2019. It turns out that she can enter and exit rooms just fine on her own and I get the impression that Lavinia could get the gist of Sir Richard’s rage without the vice like grip of a man probably about twice her age. 

Twinned with the ’tree of emotional conflict’, the ‘platform of romantic uncertainty’ provides the backdrop for Sir Richard’s proposal of marriage to Mary which is a declaration that really feels like it should come with a series of well-formatted charts. Mary’s heart, however, is still very much with Cousin Matthew. After being counselled by Carson in a type of conversation I cannot imagine her ever having with her father, she is on the verge of coming clean with Matthew. But in the second round of Lavinia vs. Mary, Lavinia declares that she ‘could not go on living’ without Matthew and Mary winds her neck in. 

Also having a romantic entanglement this episode is Edith. Drake, previously of dropsy fame, has lost his farm hands and Edith turns up to offer her help in a wildly unsuitable trouser and heeled boot combo. But she soon gets down to it by pulling up a tree stump and flirting in a barn whilst a rather lovely border collie looks on (I’m currently trying to talk myself out of getting a border collie and this incident has done nothing to help things). After showing Drake that she can drink from a bottle like literally every single other human on the planet, the two share a kiss and some highly awkward dialogue that only slightly resembles ‘Carry on Downton’. 

Whilst Edith is more than happy to crack on in a barn, Mr Molesley is much more backwards about coming forwards. Apparently having predicted the creation of ‘The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society’, he figures that a book is the perfect kindling for romance when you exist in a glossy depiction of the past. Sadly neither Elizabeth nor her German garden can lure Anna from Bates who is fast shaping up to be schrodinger’s boyfriend. Anna proceeds to make some odd analogy where she compares Mr Bates to her moon-based child, revealing a rather unhealthy amount of codependency in that particular relationship. 

Romantic declaration of the moment 

Again, it feels like anyone but Sybil and Branson should get this but I am an agent of chaos and here we are. Branson defends Sybil’s will to work and has ample opportunity to see her shine in her chosen field. The admission that she will not be returning to her old life is a little chink of light that Branson basks in. 

Expressive eyebrow of the week 

I nominate Carson’s entire face when he realises that he has taken on too much and goes an impressive shade of red. As Carson frets about spoons, sauce, and something I can’t quite fathom, he starts to resemble a man who is re-arranging the deckchairs on the Titanic. Carson’s battle to get a cork out of a bottle and knocking into chairs is a warm up to his rather dramatic collapse which is accompanied by a pretty disturbing groan. Sybil springs to action and he is soon efficiently ensconced in his own quarters. 

Wait, what? 

“I got a lot done on the train” Clearly Richard was on a train that was unencumbered with the wifi issues that plague the Pendolino.  

“It takes a good deal more than that to shock me.” Mary’s shock-o-meter is a pretty odd instrument. It is unresponsive to corpses of diplomats but goes into absolute meltdown at the notion that she might have to live in a cottage. 

“Let's hope my reputation will survive it.” I’ve not checked (and I categorically never will) but I would put money on the fact that someone has created a rarepair out of this. 

“How can Matthew have chosen that little blonde piece?” Is Lavinia blonde? Women’s hair is not really my forte but I would have thought she was more akin to Tim Minchin than 1998 Justin Timberlake. 

“I believe in this war. I believe in what we are fighting for.” William seems to have a better grip on what all of this is about than I ever did in high school history. The ‘A’ that eluded me is heading his way. 

“I thought he might've died for love of you.” How I love snipey Thomas. It’s good to have him back. To borrow a quote from Bottas (another man who is currently living a life in which his destiny is his own demise) ‘traditions’. 

“Fold it in, don’t slap it” The more season two goes on, the more I think that Moira is just an amalgamation of some choice elements of Julian’s kingdom. 

[fingerbiterfreak]

Percy Lore

General:

Full name is Perseus Andrew Malek

Has always despised being called Perseus, just goes by Percy

Smells like cinnamon and spices

Birthday is July 23rd. Was killed on his birthday (22) (Leo)

Born in Florida but moved to Pennsylvania at 3yrs old when his parents discovered the cult.

He is 5’9

Percy is bi, prefers women.

Playful and Cocky, loves to be mischievous

has cat like eyes (reflect light, pupils get big when happy or excited)

Scar across his chest from dying lol

soft messy hair, tons of curls

only gets a haircut when he can't see and does it himself

loves video games, Decent at smash

into anime because of Gretchen

Dabbles in guitar but can’t play any songs

Enjoys drawing but is not that great at it. He mainly does it because he knows whatever it is will look funny

Steals things from people's houses when investigating mysteries/monsters

Steals from 7/11 every time they go

LOVES Queen and The Struts

Any classic rock or indie music will do though

His phone is one of Gretchen's old iPhone. The screen wasn’t cracked until he touched it

Often takes over Gretchen’s computer when she’s not using it, as well as her consoles

Kinda a clutz

Doesn’t need to eat but does to feel some sense of normalcy

Life (alive)

Not great

Mom and dad were in a cult, The Eyes of Ekar. Their worshipping consisted of ritualistic sacrifice of animals and rare occasions people.

Their goal is to eventually "Ascend" and become higher beings, this did not happen often and only when Ekar wanted

To Ascend however, you have to be willing to literally die in a ritual

Percy sometimes felt like they loved Ekar more than him

Didn't go to public school because his parents didn't want him interacting with "outsiders'', instead was homeschooled. It was more schooling about Ekar and his "love" more than math and english

Spent most of his time exploring the outside on the property, he didn't have a whole lot of video games or things like that

Percy died in the house Gretchen lives in currently.

When he turned 8, Percy's parents believed it was his time to Ascend. He fought and resisted as much as he could (as he should) but it was no use.

someone walking their dog heard his screams, his parents were promptly arrested and locked up.

The house sat abandoned for 3 years until Gretchen's parents bought and refurbished the house to turn into their Funeral Home. For 3 years Percy wandered the grounds alone.

The town kind of covered up the whole murdered little boy story.

Life(Not alive):

he doesn't remember a whole lot about his life before he passed. He knows his parents were bat shit about some cult, who Ekar is, and how/where he died but that’s about it

When he came back to the living realm he didn't come back normal

He got cat like eyes and sharp teeth

Being a ghost, he is also invisible to people around Gretchen, but she can see and hear him. Percy however can touch others and objects. If he chooses he can phase through things, but it feels weird so he doesn't do it much.

When Gretchen loses control of her magic however, he is perfectly visible to everyone.

He grew protective of Gretchen the more they hung out, she was his only friend and vice versa and he didn’t like how she was treated at school.

when they were in middle school, if someone would bully her they’d get a swift kick to the shins.

she made him stop doing that once they got older. He didn't want to (it was kinda funny) but he did.

this added to the stigma around Gretchen that she was weird and dangerous

he would also play pranks during class which would in turn get blamed on her

she hardly held it against him though, no matter how much trouble she got in. It usually made her laugh anyway

Percy spends a lot of his free time playing video games, on his phone, or happily napping in Gretch's presence

always down for an adventure though, whether it's just going out or to go hunt monsters

Motw

Drove a car really cool once, played so much forza he learned how to drive

Also fell out of said car

At one point Percy was unintentionally traded for power. Ekar gave Gretchen a deal, power in exchange for something. There wasn't time to figure out what that something was.

it was him

Ekar locked him up in a hell dimension, alone again for what felt like forever.

Percy being sent to hell isn't something the two of them really talk about. When he came back he was happy to be home, but was distant towards Gretchen for a bit and would often phase out for hours.

in the end he forgave her, she didn't know he would be sent away. He just wished she'd been more careful.

Now hates being completely alone more than he already did

~~~~~~

Went through a few names during creation, was almost named Felix

Looked like an early 2000s teen when I first drew him

Percy is *pretty*, if people could see him he’d get bitches

Originally was a demon boy Gretchen summoned from Hell but I couldn't figure out how to make him his own person before he met Gretchen without it being kinda creepy, so now he’s a ghost!

[artofabeginner]

Enough

Authors note:

The following is an expert from a story concept I had a while back. It was essentially a detective novel, but I totally fell in love with this side character. So anyways there’s that. Also I never wrote a single thing for the story. Not a word before this, and I always assumed this scene, if it ever happened, would occur much later on.But I have had bits of dialogue stuck in my head and heres the product of one of it hope you enjoy.

TW: Discrimination, mentions of death, murder, mentions racism, mentions homophobia, mentions of Islamophobia, mentions of self doubt.

Enjoy

The bars stand between us, the cold dimly lit room seeming to seep the questions held on their lips. Silence enfolded us, no one wanting to break the silence, and I was not about to be the one to do it. Over to my right, the officer stands, seemingly uninterested. But I could see the glimmer in his eyes, and not for the first time I wondered what he assumed would happen.

“Amana,” the man, my friend, behind the bars calls, “Are you okay?” He is concerned but wary.

“Yes,” I smile “Of course I am.”

Viktor did not believe me, that much was obvious.

“Hercule and I, we will get you out-”

“-I was never concerned with that-” 

“-And once we do, any ill associated with your name will clear.” 

I sighed, and waited for a moment before answering,

“You can’t do that.”

“And why not?”

I look over at the officer, whose eyes now trained on us.

“Because my reputation does not come from my name, but from what I am, and you can not change that.”

“I don't think I understand,” for the first time Hercule spoke up

“I wouldn't expect you to, it is not something you would have faced.”

“Then explain it to us,”

“Viktor, my problems do not come from being incarcerated for an attack I had no part in, it is from being their first and only suspect in a party of twenty other people,” I paused, feeling tears well before shaking them off. People like me can’t cry.

“It is the humiliation that will cling to me, the realization that no matter what I do I will always be the other, the scapegoat. The public may forget, but I won’t, people like me don’t forget.”

Viktor, for the life of him I’m sure, is trying to follow. Maybe he does understand, maybe he knows what it’s like, but maybe, hopefully, he doesn’t.

“It's knowing that I will never be more than the scarf on my head and the name on my hands.”

Hercule shook his head before turning to me, “You are British, that is all that matters to us.”

“To you maybe, but to the people out there I am not British enough.”

“Well come on now,” Viktor cuts in, before ultimately stopping,

“And to the people I know I am too British, do you see the problem?”

“Viktor and Herucle, I deal with something others seldom do. I live in the gray, in the 

undecided,in the uninitiated. I live in the forgotten.

I was and never will be British enough, just as I will never be North African enough.

I will never be Amazigh enough, but I will never be Arab enough.

I will never be dark enough, and I will never be white enough. 

I will never be Algerian enough just as I will never be Tunisian enough.

I will never be gay enough, or Muslim enough, or free enough or oppressed enough.”

“I will never be enough, not to others and not to myself.”

I begin to cry, for everything that I never had before, for the small and the little, for the things I promised I never would. And as I do, I know the officer smiles, and I know my colleagues recoil, and I know I've lost the game.

“Viktor, you are Russian, and I know better than most the stigma surrounding that, the hatred people have, the stereotypes people think, the fear you sometimes feel. But you will never not be Russian enough, you will never see the flag and not know if it flies for you. You hold the book that everyone hates, but at least you can read it. To hold a culture and know that you could recoil if you wanted, and not be called a liar or a fake.”

“They will remember me as the Muslim women who was wrongfully accused of an attack on a diplomat, that is it. Then they will forget me, they always do. And that is a blessing better to be forgotten then to be viewed in a light that will make them question. If only I could do the same for myself.”

Hercule reaches through the bars, a look on his face I have never seen before. “We will get you out, and once we do this conversation will be had again.” 

“I would prefer you forget,” I laughed when the look of fury passed their faces “Better for my ego and reputation that you don’t see me cry.”

Hercule clearly did not find that funny, if the sudden slam of the door on his way out was any indicator.

“I will see you later, and-” he fumbles with the handle, “Don’t worry about him, he’s just frustrated at the case.” 

A look of worry passes his face before he shouts “Not that he won’t solve it, just that y’know it's hard, but not harder than anything before-”

I laugh, and laugh and laugh. The look of fear melts away and he smiles.

“I’ll see you later.”

“I'm not going anywhere.”

And I am alone.

Well mostly alone, the officer stands in the corner amusement painting his features. Resisting the urge to smack him across the head, I motion to the door,

“Aren't I supposed to be escorted to my cell.”

“No,” he smiles, “There is someone else to see you.”

“I wasn’t informed of this. Who is it?”

“I wasn’t told.”

“What do you mean you don’t know. I won’t see them unless I know.”

“I promise you, you don’t have a choice.”

“A choice?” I stand up, making my way towards him, “Listen I may be in holding but I have rights and-”

The door swings open, revealing the figure of a man. As he steps in, my breath quickens, and I realize exactly what he meant.

Taking my seat, I look ahead at the only person who could make everything a lot worse for me.

“Hello Ama, it’s been so long.”

Shit.

[chaoslordjoe]

RWBY - Do I ship it?

My friend @lewdnepvasilias666​ has recently been receiving Asks about some various RWBY ships. Given my small follower base, and since I’ve got some time to kill before going AFK for Father’s Day I just thought: “Eh. Seems fun.”

No time to waste, so let’s get into a few random ships here, shall we?

Renora

OTP

I SHIP IT

hELL YES

I WOULD DIE FOR IT OKAY

As if there was any doubt! Just to start us off, I feel that there really isn’t much else that can be emphasized about Renora and how it’s one of the few things the FNDM can collectively agree on.

While I understand that the whole “best-friends-to-lovers” trope is cliche -- believe me, I’m not a fan of it either -- I feel that Renora is able to handle it in the least corny way possible with a realistic backstory: Grew up in a village, village was doomed, they ran out and survived and have been together ever since.

Yeah, it’s a clear setup for romance between the two, or at the very least a type of love that’s not necessarily romantic. Not just that, but the deepest friendship imaginable. I’ll admit, I’m not a fan of how they made Renora super angsty in V7, but I feel much more content ever since I dropped the show with how much more fan content there is to explore of these two that RT couldn’t.

Boop, motherfuckers!

BlackSun

the sexiest pair

underrated

we need more of it

reads fics about it

Like morning follows night, eh?

Pretty much every praise that can be said about BlackSun is said before I could say anything about it. I’m not actually gonna shit-talk Bumbleby much as I have a few select words on how that ship has, uh...Basically it’s to avoid the bleeding obvious and just talk about positive stuff here.

Sun Wukong is one of my favorite RWBY characters. And the relationship he had with Blake, even though it remained a friendship in canon really resonated with me as someone who has been through a similar plight with abusive relationships like Blake.

Weiss is my top favorite, don’t get me wrong, but seeing Sun keep up a positive face for Blake and his other friends just really brings me some joy with the goodest of bois.

Also their cuteness. Hee~!

Cool Jazz

we need more of it

CUTENESS OVERLOAD

why not

the sexiest pair

Hey, I like Iceberg. But this is another Weiss ship that’s grown on me faster than how quickly the rate at which players rushed to find the megalodon shark in Battlefield 4.

I’ll admit that Cool Jazz was kinda “eh” to me at first since I didn’t have a set Weiss ship when I first discovered it. Yeah, Iceberg was on the table but I was on the fence with it at the time simply due to since I was one of *those* dipshits who honest-to-god thought that Neptune was a fuckboi (sorry Lewdy, but I like him now homegirl) since I honest-to-Christ didn’t know any better.

Ever since I discovered more art of it, and was surprised to hear how many people shipped it along with my friends who liked Iceberg, I realized with horror that I was into Cool Jazz. Don’t get me wrong, I love the dynamic of it with Weiss dating a commoner (JacquesXEternal suffering forever) just to shy further away from her stigma as a noble. And looking back in Volume 3, I think that more interactions with her and Flynt were in order in V7.

Some good stuff there.

Ironwitch

would read a fic about it

Soulmates

we need more of it

I’m not necessarily crazy about Ironwitch as I am more chill about the idea of it.

There are similar ships with the whole serious character/serious character vibe. Monochrome, for instance. Which is fine, given how many serious character/funny character ships there are. White Rose, BlackSun, Renora, just to name a few. But enough babbling, what do I like about this one?

Well, much as I’m not one to cry out for diversity in many cases, this is one ship where I’m attracted to the respective backgrounds of James and Glynda. I don’t mind them being portrayed as just business partners, but this is another one that quickly grew on me.

Ironwood is a military man whose knowledge lies in warfare and maintaining relations between the public and the armed forces. As a civilian who never served, a lot of military guys I’ve met are the ones you should be asking with just how stressful it is serving in such a position for a senior officer with such a massive reputation.

Glynda, meanwhile, is also a disciplinarian who is basically teaching kids to be like child soldiers in the fight against Grimm. Both have the same jobs, yes, but I really think that whatever past backstories they had would have revealed just how deep their partnership went before the whole shadow war escalated.

Tell you the truth, I’m picturing Ironwitch as a ship with a lot of backstory potential given how close the two are. And minor thing, but, I like the idea of Glynda being playful with James when they’re out of sight. It’s just a really cute image which I can’t help but find amusement out of.

Gemstone

CUTENESS OVERLOAD

why not

would read a fic about it

Yeah, this one right here is kind of a cop out with it being a “foe yay” ship. Doubly so with this being a F/F ship which I know is a point of contention in the FNDM these days. But it’s my list. So let’s talk about it.

Emerald Sustrai is a bit of an oddity in the FNDM. On one hand, there are fans who find her to be sympathetic with how clingy she is with Cinder when Cinder is basically using her as a puppet in her bidding.

I don’t necessarily “hate” Emberald since that’s not the kind of abuse I’m familiar with. But I definietly see why people would hate it and have no patience, knowing how contentious Cinder happens to be.

On the other, there are fans who think that Emerald is just there and wouldn’t be caught dead reading anything about her. Certainly, she’s been part of a lot of interesting ships lately.

Among one of these is Gemstone. AKA Emerald/Ruby. Hear me out for a second, peeps.

I like Gemstone not because I’m big on villain redemption stuff in RWBY fanworks. But because I like the idea of it being seen where Emerald is actually in a happy, healthy relationship with someone who supports her unlike Cinder. Seeing a cinnamon roll like Ruby be a part of that just really made me think about my history with abuse.

Thing is, I’ve been in relationships like that which involve manipulative behavior and promises of this-or-that. While Emerald isn’t one of my S-tier RWBY characters, I still think that she has room for a lot of development as someone who’s not portrayed in an evil light.

There’s also Topaz (Emerald/Jaune) if I can’t find any Gemstone works. Sure, there are other ships like Emercury (which I’m also warming up to a little). But I think that Gemstone is filling that void for now until I can look more into Emercury for the time being.

I also like the red/green color schemes. Just really pleasing to the eyes. Next!

Silent Knight

hELL YES

the sexiest pair

would read a fic about it

I SHIP IT

Another “foe yay” ship that I’ve developed a soft spot for. Let’s face it, this probably wouldn’t be a shipping list without including at least one Jaune ship, wouldn’t it?

The reason I ship Jaune with Neo is because I like the inversion of the “good-girl-meets-bad-boy” trope. Instead, we get a good boy meeting a bad girl who I think really helps bring out the wild side in Jaune.

Not at the level of committing crimes like Neo does, but in a more lax AU or shipping fan work, I’m really enamored with the idea of her letting Jaune not worry about being such a “good boi” or “bean” all the time because, I like Jaune, but that’s not all he has to be in fanon.

Perhaps what I’m trying to say is that Neo would be the right amount of crazy for Jaune to handle given how many ships he’s in with a couple of women and girls on the show who are associated with being a little nutty.

I just like Silent Knight. Simple.

And that is about it. I thought this would be a decent post to put out given my current bout of writer’s block, and I hope whoever comes across this list that you enjoyed reading it as I enjoyed writing about it.

Want me to make another? Lemme know, and I’ll see what I can do.

@laserdog10​ @lewdnepvasilias666​ @darksaiyangoku​ @becauseihaveyou​ @bssaz97​ @ezroar​ @the-blue-quetzalcoatl​ @rozanime​ @nix-nihil​ @kali-tmblr​

[humboldtfog]

Years of depression has prepared me very well for the current state of affairs which is weird but whatever here’s a list of my faves on netflix, if I’m missing something let me know cause now’s the time, right?

I'm kinda embarrassed by how long this list is but also kinda like fuck that, there have been very long periods of time where it was either sit and watch shows all day or lie down and stare at the wall in silence all day so I chose the former and it adds up and there's nothing wrong with that.

Glow (Badass ladies learn to wrestle, great 80s aesthetics and grrrrl power.)

Our Planet (Netflix version of Planet Earth, beautiful, cute, terrifying that we aren’t doing more to save us all.)

Bojack Horseman (Hilarious and “deep” critique of LA and celebrity culture for people who don’t care about LA or celebrity culture. Also very funny visual jokes about how if animals were also kinda humans, and lots of great jokes about cliches and tropes, puns, and weirdly rhyming and alliteration? I don’t know how to explain it just watch it.)

Father Brown (BBC, based on mystery novels about a priest who always meddles in police business and solves murders in his small English countryside town.)

Pose (The Ball scene in NY in the 80s, poc queer and trans writers and actors bringing their people’s stories to life. So much joy, so much beauty, but also NYC in the 80s so you will cry.)

Paris is Burning (Documentary made during the Ball scene Pose is based on.)

Sex Education (Such empowering representations of all walks of gender and sexuality, and actually very educational, like I would straight up show this in schools because everyone would be very entertained and would learn a lot more than they teach in a lot of schools.)

What Happened Miss Simone (Documentary about Nina Simone’s life, music and the activism the establishment/ government worked to suppress and used to blacklist her.)

Night on Earth (Low light camera technology has gotten hella good and they’re starting to learn stuff about animals’ behaviors at night that they’ve never been able to study before.)

Call the Midwife (Follows stories from the midwives that worked in the East End of London after the war, based on memoirs. Interesting look at the kind of life of poverty people led before there were many large hospitals or birth control, right as the British were implementing their universal healthcare program.)

The Great British Baking Show (Everyone’s so nice and everything looks so good!)

Atypical (Dramady about a high schooler with autism and his family, very funny and great representations of autism and how to be a good dude.)

Parks and Recreation (Just very funny and everyone knows it. Amazing ensemble cast, and they still keeps in touch through a group chat awww doesn’t that say something!)

Kim’s Convenience (Canadian comedy about family of first and second gen Korean immigrants that’s just a really solid funny modern day sitcom.)

Queer Eye (I feel like if everyone in this world could get a life makeover from these guys we just wouldn’t be here right now.)

Obvious Child (Jenny Slate accidentally gets pregnant and gets an abortion. It’s funny and it’s realistic, we’re not all Juno.)

Maria Bamford: the Special Special Special (Rad lady comedian not afraid to talk about her mental health and lack thereof and very vocal about the stigma surrounding mental health problems and I very much relate to. My favorite standup probably ever. I could make a list just for standup so message me if you’d like more suggestions.)

Monty Python (Flying Circus, movies, doc, ect. “The Beatles of comedy” is the cliche but it's true.)

Easy (Very unconventional non-narrative structure and editing, following random people in Chicago in a very real life feeling way. Different story each episode, but sometimes characters show up briefly in each other’s lives or return for a second episode.)

Everything Sucks! (High school nerds and lesbians and theater geeks in the 90s! I’m so sad this only got one season I rewatched it recently and it’s just so solid.)

She’s Gotta Have It (Revival of Spike Lee’s first movie, black girl magic, art world, gentrified New York, lots of sex.)

The Office (Classic, holds up very well, totally solid throughout, worth a rewatch. Also if you're a fan Jenna Ficher and Angela Davis are doing a rewatch podcast jsyk.)

Billy on the Street (Mindless game show for laughs, amazing gay comedian runs around New York yelling questions at them. I watch this with my dad and he can’t help but snort even when it’s “inappropriate” or “juvenile” so you know it’s good.)

Good Girls (Some lower middle class family ladies that are all about to be broke decide to rob the grocery store one of them works at, but they accidentally cross a gang that stored their cash there, so they gotta pay it back, and of course can’t help but get deeper and deeper into it. Very suspenseful like your heart rate will go up and stay up. )

Arrested Development (It’s just funny, as you've probably heard, but I'm telling you it just really is.)

The Laundromat (Tells the stories of a few of the people involved in the panama papers in different ways, explains in an entertaining way how money laundering works in a way that made it mostly make sense even to me. The rich get richer, and Meryl Streep is here to tell them to fuck off and pay their taxes.)

Russian Doll (She keeps dying and coming back to the same moment over and over and can’t figure out how to stop the cycle or why so kinda sci fi, very suspenseful, big cliff hanger ending, or rather no ending, and just found out season two filming is delayed because virus which is very annoying!!)

Dear White People (Show picking up where the movie left off, after a frat hosts a black face party and the ivy league college is forced to deal with racism.)

Dolly Parton’s Heartstrings (Stories based on Dolly songs. Very Hallmark channel, you will cry.)

Episodes (Show about two British writers making a version of their BBC show for American tv. Kind of meta, very funny, Matt LaBlanc plays himself and it's great.)

Dumplin’ (Fat girl grows up with a beauty pageant winning mom and enters one herself with the help of her late aunt’s Dolly Parton drag queen friends.)

Lunatics (Chris Lilley is the best character actor ever, all his shows are just him playing different parts and you seriously forget it’s all one actor, even when he’s playing teenage girls.)

Jane the Virgin (Prime time soap opera about a girl who is engaged and waiting until marrige and is accidentally inseminated with the only sperm sample of a man who’s had cancer so decides to keep the baby, very heavy on the soap opera cliches in a meta way but also that’s what it is. So good at first but after the first three or so seasons it gets too much tbh though.)

Zumbo’s Just Desserts (Australian Bake show but with just sweet stuff and pressure to be avant garde.)

Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (Jerry Sienfeld goes out with funny people to coffee and lunch in fancy cars and they have funny conversations.)

One Day at a Time (Very very cheesy laugh track sitcom, like the kind of thing my grandma would watch, but it makes me so happy it’s doing a great job eplaining really woke concepts like queer pronouns and ptsd and addiction and white privilege to people like my grandma!)

Orange is the New Black (Good stories about very diverse characters, I’d say by starting it off about a upper middle class white girl it tricks privileged white people into watching and then encountering the more realistic stories of women who go to prison and how the system treats prisoners. Ending of season two is super solid and you can stop it there, season three is a really great critique of the privatization of prisons. I admit it goes on and on to the point that it’s stressful and after watching it spread out over years I can’t remember/ keep up with all the different story lines, though they’re all good stories to tell.)

Space Jam (Just saw while scrolling for more ideas this was added! One of the greatest sports movies of all time obviously.)

Bonus amazon prime shows, I try to avoid Amazon in general but these are just too good if you know a prime member who you can't convince not to give their money to amazon so they might as well give you their login (like yer dad).

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (A 1950s New York upper class Jewish house wife gets dumped and starts doing stand up, so funny, great actors, and they seriously transform NY back into another era.)

Good Omens (Mini series based off Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman’s satirical novel about the biblical apocalypse, very funny, very smart, very British, does the book pretty solid justice.)

There are other decent things that aren’t included, I’d say these are solid recs for a general list of genres all over the map without letting it get to a ridiculously unhelpful length. I feel like I’d be good at the “if you like this then you’ll also like…” so let me know if some of these are your favorites too and want personal recs for what to watch next based on a brain instead of an algorithm.

If you want to have a remote date and watch things together on video chat or one of those watch party sites or just tell me what to watch next here’s some stuff on my list I’ve been curious about or not sure about or don’t want to watch alone or have been putting off, and now’s the time right?: Strangers Things, I Am Not Okay With This, Black Panther, The Betty White doc, John Mulaney Snack Lunch Bunch, Dead to Me, The Ballad of Buster Scruggs, A Wrinkle in Time, The Little Prince, Maniac, Wet Hot American Summer reboots, and a bunch of different standup specials from comedians I like.

[firefighterkingdom]

FIREFIGHTER KINGDOM — FIRST EPISODE! OUR TRIBE

Hey everyone, my name is Robert Sanchez and welcome to Firefighter Kingdom Podcast. It’s been a long time planning for a podcast for firefighters in New Mexico and we’re finally here. And I’m happy to be here and I know it’s going to be a great success. Excited.

Little about me, I’m the president of New Mexico Professional Firefighters Association. Been a firefighter for about 19 years and happy to be. Just a little bit, so the gentleman that’s behind the technical part of this podcast and is the champion and makes us shine like a star is, we’re lucky to have him in the studio today, is Vince and I’m glad you’re with us, Vince.

Vince Trujillo: Hey man.

Robert Sanchez: How are you doing, brother?

Vince Trujillo: Thanks so much for having me on. I appreciate you letting me support you in your platform, and getting out Firefighter Kingdom, and your vision for where this is going to go. Just happy to support first responders. It’s a passion and vision of ours to help people in the community and first responders. Firefighters are right on the front lines. So thank you so much for letting me be a part of it and support you.

Robert Sanchez: Thanks for being here, Vince. And I got to be honest, just from the time I met you, I’ve been impressed with your passion for helping firefighters and we appreciate it. Thank you. I think it’s going to be a great success, and we’re going to see this thing… We’re going to rise like a star, you’ll see. That’s going to happen.

Vince Trujillo: Looking forward to it, brother.

Robert Sanchez: So just a little bit what this podcast is for. What I like to say, it’s for firefighters, by firefighters. But not only is it for firefighters, it can be for firefighters and their families, just their friends, and just networking through the community. That’s our goal here for a podcast. And just the community outreach. Like I said, firefighters enjoy helping the public, and if we can outreach to them to help us out, maybe we have some fundraisers and some unique things coming up. It’s definitely a goal of mine to have on this podcast.

Robert Sanchez: Some of the topics we’re looking forward to cover in the next coming episodes is definitely our legislation we just got passed, past and present I want to talk about. Maybe have some experts talking about some of the bills that have got passed this last legislature, and some future bills we’re having that benefit firefighters. Great looking out for that, just to let firefighters know to be excited about is we’re highly active in the legislative sessions to help firefighters, the men and women on the front lines. And that’s going to be a some good topics in probably about a couple of episodes.

Robert Sanchez: And we can’t forget COVID-19. We’re here now, everything is about COVID-19. And it’s tough for the community, It’s tough for firefighters. It’s tough, just first responders in general. You have firefighters throughout the state, they’re having to work overtime because of possible exposures. And police officers as well. And just the effects that it has on the community. I know they’ve probably seen a ton of it on the news, but they haven’t heard it in the Firefighter Kingdom. They haven’t heard it from firefighters. You always have the pundits talking on the news, but they’re not firefighters. And I’ll be happy to hear from that.

Robert Sanchez: Just mental health topics are huge. PTSD, how it affects firefighters, the stigma behind it. And how PTSD affects the families. Those are some big topics we’re going to be talking about in this podcast. And I think it’s definitely warranted. So good conversation there. And we have some experts coming, and a lot in store for firefighters on those topics.

Robert Sanchez: Community events, like I talked about, just reaching out to the community again, and talking what firefighters, especially New Mexico Professional Firefighters does to raise money for the public, for certain firefighters, survivor funds for firefighters who get burden or injured unfortunately on the line of duty. We’re reaching out and we’ll raise money to help those firefighters.

Robert Sanchez: Interviews and stories. Just have some firefighters in here sometimes. Having them… Different… Female firefighters, get them in here to talk, the jobs that they do, and some male firefighters, some mobsters on the firetruck who are actually running calls every day. Sometimes it’s just interesting to see their perspective on firefighting.

Vince Trujillo: And I just want to fill in, Robert, those kinds of stories to the general public too, and for firefighters to interact with each other on, and the public to hear in general, I think is something that we’re not used to. So that is great topic line up you have.

Robert Sanchez: Absolutely. I don’t think it would be boring at all for… I think it’d be really interesting for the public. And I’m excited. The lineups that we have coming up on some of these episodes are, they’re huge, and I think they’re going to be interesting, and they’re going to want a tune in to all our podcasts. So we have three or four podcasts a month, it’s great. So look forward to for those coming up.

Robert Sanchez: And we’re also going to have fun. We’re going to probably have some laughs in here and have a good time. And I think you’re going to see that there’s a funny side to me sometimes, and feel free to laugh.

Vince Trujillo: I don’t think we’ll be able to joke like you do in the firehouse, but we’ll have our own team fun in here.

Robert Sanchez: Well, if we have a some bleeping and beeping, I think we’ll be able to have some of the content in there, but it’s going to be tough, for sure. And this is not going to be your usual podcast, like I said. I just, I don’t know if there’s much podcasts out there that are first responders and it’s actually coming from first responders, from firefighters talking about and for firefighters and just what the Firefighter Kingdom is about. That’s why I think it’s a great podcast to bring light to the public about firefighters and to firefighters as well.

Robert Sanchez: And just being a part of the Firefighter Kingdom, what it’s all about. What the benefits are of joining the Firefighter Kingdom. We start running this podcast, I think you’ll see a benefit about the resources that we’ll provide, and just information out there, and talk to firefighters. One thing I know about firefighters is, sometimes it takes a firefighter to talk about a fire- to talk to a firefighter, rather. Sometimes you feel more comfortable hearing from another firefighter, because you know what it’s like. You’re on the truck and you know what it’s like getting up at all times in the morning and all times of the night and just start humor and our sense of humor is different than the general public.

Robert Sanchez: But looking forward to that. Don’t be afraid to follow us on YouTube, iTunes, and Spotify. We’ll definitely be on there. So whatever podcasts you like to tune into, we’ll be there, and make sure to tune in and write in the comment if you have any resources you’d like to know about or any topics or experts you want to talk about, just put them in there and let’s talk about it.

Robert Sanchez: And thanks for listening. And again, Vince, thanks for being here and thanks for helping, like I said. Vince is behind the scenes helping us out a ton. In some of the podcasts you might see him, but he does probably 99% of the work. And thanks again Vince.

Vince Trujillo: Outside of the hard work that you do, I wouldn’t even say 99%. But yeah, I show up and I do some punch some buttons. You guys are out there saving lives, helping people out, and a really serving the community. This is a really hard time everyone is going through now. So I look forward to hearing about these stories, being part of the Firefighter Kingdom tribe, the community going on here that you’re building, and really just interacting with you guys, what you guys do, and seeing how that extends to the community. So thanks so much, Robert.

Robert Sanchez: No problem, and glad to have you, Vince. Appreciate it and I look forward, I’m excited to seeing all the firefighters and the public tuning into the podcast, and a signing off from Firefighter Kingdom util next time. Looking forward to it. Thank you. Podcast: firefighter-kingdom.simplecast.com

Originally published at firefighterkingdom.com on May 6, 2020.

[fyeahebr]

Emily Bett Rickards– Funny Story for Starrymag Walter has this line in the beginning where he says “For someone so small, you wear a huge layer of bitch.” He gives Kim this persona which she sheds in different ways as the film progresses when she is with him and whenever we see her with Nic. She knows Walter’s history and he tries to peg Kim from knowing her for five minutes. What do these separate perspectives say about how each of them sees her and visa versa? I think that is such a major layer of our film – adapting perspective, what we present and who we present to other people might not be our truest selves and what people see might not actually be and is truly a projection of themselves. There was so much stigma around meeting Walter (Matthew Glave) because of the stories Kim had heard from Nic (Jana Winternitz) about her father and his lack of knowing who Kim was and sort of nailing it on the head with all of these boundaries she put up and meeting strangers and not letting herself out into the real world. Meeting someone, you might not know anything about them at all and then just meeting them for the first time you might nail it on the head. He says, “You have barricaded yourself inside,” and that is a major part of who Kim is. She wants to get out of these things that she can’t – that she’s personally inflicted on herself. She has sort of built herself in this cave. Over the course of the film we sort of see that explode and work against her. We get this quiet moment in the bath tub that Kim seems to reflect on more than just her present, but her past as well. It’s in the tub her solitude literally and figuratively washes over her. Baths signify cleansing, but Kim the entire movie can’t seem to bring herself to come clean to Nic, even with Nic in the tub. Can you talk about the irony of scene and how it plays into the film’s undertones and themes? I think it’s really an honest example of how we, as humans, can react to the world and how it can be dangerous. You talk about this cleansing moment as a moment of lucidity, but it doesn’t honestly mean you are going to live in that moment of lucidity. It is a challenge. You are presented with this moment of lucidity and it is the challenge of life to go and make that a reality, not just a moment in time. It’s so easy to backtrack. We ignore those things sometimes and we don’t accept them as moments of reality because it’s easier to just move about through life with this sort of fake and dishonest trajectory. So, even though she has a moment of clarity it is the challenge of bringing that to fruition. We see this group of diverse LGBT characters who each bring a beautiful spectrum to the community. Walter asks these stereotypical questions but he isn’t judged, they embrace, engage, and educate. Can you talk about the significance of this scene and how we are more than just the labels and identities people want to put on our sexualities? I don’t think necessarily challenges that. I think it accepts that. It says these are the labels and things that we want to define ourselves as, but really we’re just all people. We share and just accept the fact we can label, but we can also strip the labels away and live your life in a very organic, welcoming a 360-degree perspective. Then, sort of all the bullshit falls away. As they’re educating Walter, all this bullshit just dissolves. When individuals are willing to live such an honest and authentic life, people are afraid of that. People who don’t do that fear that and to see Walter not fear that in that moment is where we go, “Oh.” We get perspective on his life. He’s not a terrible person. We start to warm because his heart is moving so we want to move with him. I love the way wires in Kimberly’s mind work and how you portray her. You constantly see the emotions turning and her thought process plays out a lot in her eyes and expressions. How did you approach portraying Kim’s evolution through her tragedies? That has a lot to do with Michael [Gallagher] and the writing. What was on the page was honest about the film. It is an extensively written story. As soon as I read it, I said, “I really want to do this movie,” because of the people that were involved. It was beautifully written because it’s written from the heart and it’s written authentically. It made it very easy for me to working with Michael, Jana and Matt. We were just all very willing to accept the story as a whole and collaborate in that realm. Kim is a difficult character. She would be a difficult person. She even finds herself difficult to be around. Knowing that there are people like that in your life and knowing that there are people just trying to do better…That’s sort of what the story is about, just trying to be better and for some reason can’t. But really, honestly, they are working through a place where they wake up one day and the character just wants to have a good day. It’s sort of just accepting the story of what their lives are. Michael and Jana were very, very present through all of that and understanding. The film is wrought in this poignant and provoking emotional angst where each moment of the movie transitions and feels so palpable from start to finish but it also intertwines these moments of levity that are endearing and disarming. How does the film take these messy and tumultuous interpersonal relationships while maintaining the light and levity in such a brilliantly balanced way? I think it is the honesty. I hate to keep repeating myself on that moment, but it’s because so honest. It’s not glossy. It’s pretty raw. There is not a whole lot of sugar coating from any of the characters. It is a lens into a life in a way. It’s a lens into a life with good things with a wedding, love and friendship and a lot of women coming together. But there is also the raw, the gross, the dirty, the secrets and the shame. Those tumultuous relationships, that kind of energy, only craves authenticity and honesty. With that type of energy, you follow these people with true love and honesty and when those characters meet it’s only a matter of time before those characters unravel and that is something the lens of the film does very, very well. So much of the movie takes place in this remote rural area that’s Big Sur, Michael Gallagher has this way of making nature become kind of a character in itself. Can you talk about how this setting of the film plays into the themes we see? Road trips do that for us. There is such inertia in this road trip film. There is a destination. It was about the journey and it is about the journey for Kim and Nic. It really is about the journey, but the journey doesn’t stop when you reach your destination. No matter where you go or where you are, you have to be able to face yourself. I think that’s very telling of our environment and landscape along the way. You see this landscape change and it’s really beautiful to see on film places you might never get to go to. Also, you see photographs of places you’ve never been to before and see them in this light, but know the energy of the setting you are in and you just see it as the world. I think Big Sur is somewhere that you would road trip to and it has nature, camping and getting down to your roots. That was something growing up on the coast you sort of dreamed of. Now, we see it photographed a little more recently. Maybe that’s just my experience, but I’ve seen it photographed a little bit more. It was a different experience of knowing about Big Sur when I was a child and it was this way to sort of get back to grounded. I think that’s sort of what it was supposed to be in this film. We’re going to this wedding there and we’re supposed to be getting back to our roots because this is pure and wonderful. The setting that you’re in you’re seeing this sort of ticking time bomb sort of happen and only this beauty can extract that and make that blow up. We got to see some behind the scenes pictures of you behind the lens. Is being behind the camera something you are working towards or hoping to someday take on yourself? I am, yes. I do like being behind the camera a lot. I actually just grabbed some new gear for a trip that I’m about to embark on. We’re going to do a little site seeing for that. Michael Gallagher was so giving in terms of what I wanted to learn. Every time I walked away from the set I was like, “I didn’t learn enough!” [laughs] I was on a show for seven years and I feel like I walked away from it like, “I still haven’t learned enough!” [laughs] But especially looking back at this film, this was my first time learning about lenses. Though I had been on a TV show for several years Michael was shooting on lenses that I was so attracted to. He taught me about that skill. [laughs] I’m still diving into that. What this film was behind the scenes was just a bunch of people wanting to be creative and I think you can see that in what the film shows. Everyone was friends. Everyone wore hats that weren’t exactly their title. It was a really, really fun experience. It was a long time ago. Talking to you, this is the first time I’ve talked about this film in a year. So, it’s bringing back a lot of cool memories so I’m really grateful. We get these multidimensional characters who are loving and layered, messy and sometimes self-sabotaging. What do you hope resonates or audiences take away from seeing Funny Story? I like films and TV where characters are not perfect. The imperfections, those are the things that we expect in the people that we love. I do feel like we relate to characters that are imperfect. They are interesting. Being perfect and cookie cutter isn’t interesting. [laughs] But if you don’t expect imperfections, where are we moving towards? It’s about finding people around you that balance you and accept that about you and you accept about yourself. I think that people can relate to this film in many ways. There are some stories where people will watch this and maybe it will hit a little too close to home. As long as you’re feeling something, you haven’t wasted your time. I think that’s what growth is and I think that is important. That’s our film. I hope you like it. If you don’t like it, at least you felt that you didn’t like it. [laughs] I think whatever you do with your time it’s important to make sure you feel something. The movie also doesn’t necessarily give you a happy ending. At the end of this movie, we get even more raw emotion, confusion and chaos. We still get a little bit of hope at the end, I suppose. I think even in our darkest times there is always hope. Hope is a very dangerous ally that where we end up with that sort of unfinished foe is what life is. That bow is never going to be perfectly tied. You can recreate it and do other things with it. I’m more into certain films that I walk away where I’ll call my writing partners and say, “Uh! That was disgusting!” [laughs] Or, “I feel inspired.” Or, “I feel really weak or strong.” As long as you have something of those, it’s usually not because someone perfectly wrapped the storyline up for you.

[emilybettsource]

Q) Walter has this line in the beginning where he says “For someone so small, you wear a huge layer of bitch.” He gives Kim this persona which she sheds in different ways as the film progresses when she is with him and whenever we see her with Nic. She knows Walter’s history and he tries to peg Kim from knowing her for five minutes. What do these separate perspectives say about how each of them sees her and visa versa?

A) I think that is such a major layer of our film – adapting perspective, what we present and who we present to other people might not be our truest selves and what people see might not actually be and is truly a projection of themselves. There was so much stigma around meeting Walter (Matthew Glave) because of the stories Kim had heard from Nic (Jana Winternitz) about her father and his lack of knowing who Kim was and sort of nailing it on the head with all of these boundaries she put up and meeting strangers and not letting herself out into the real world. Meeting someone, you might not know anything about them at all and then just meeting them for the first time you might nail it on the head. He says, “You have barricaded yourself inside,” and that is a major part of who Kim is. She wants to get out of these things that she can’t – that she’s personally inflicted on herself. She has sort of built herself in this cave. Over the course of the film we sort of see that explode and work against her.

Q) We get this quiet moment in the bath tub that Kim seems to reflect on more than just her present, but her past as well. It’s in the tub her solitude literally and figuratively washes over her. Baths signify cleansing, but Kim the entire movie can’t seem to bring herself to come clean to Nic, even with Nic in the tub. Can you talk about the irony of scene and how it plays into the film’s undertones and themes?

A) I think it’s really an honest example of how we, as humans, can react to the world and how it can be dangerous. You talk about this cleansing moment as a moment of lucidity, but it doesn’t honestly mean you are going to live in that moment of lucidity. It is a challenge. You are presented with this moment of lucidity and it is the challenge of life to go and make that a reality, not just a moment in time. It’s so easy to backtrack. We ignore those things sometimes and we don’t accept them as moments of reality because it’s easier to just move about through life with this sort of fake and dishonest trajectory. So, even though she has a moment of clarity it is the challenge of bringing that to fruition.

Q) We see this group of diverse LGBT characters who each bring a beautiful spectrum to the community. Walter asks these stereotypical questions but he isn’t judged, they embrace, engage, and educate. Can you talk about the significance of this scene and how we are more than just the labels and identities people want to put on our sexualities?

A) I don’t think necessarily challenges that. I think it accepts that. It says these are the labels and things that we want to define ourselves as, but really we’re just all people. We share and just accept the fact we can label, but we can also strip the labels away and live your life in a very organic, welcoming a 360-degree perspective. Then, sort of all the bullshit falls away. As they’re educating Walter, all this bullshit just dissolves. When individuals are willing to live such an honest and authentic life, people are afraid of that. People who don’t do that fear that and to see Walter not fear that in that moment is where we go, “Oh.” We get perspective on his life. He’s not a terrible person. We start to warm because his heart is moving so we want to move with him.

Q) I love the way wires in Kimberly’s mind work and how you portray her. You constantly see the emotions turning and her thought process plays out a lot in her eyes and expressions. How did you approach portraying Kim’s evolution through her tragedies?

A) That has a lot to do with Michael [Gallagher] and the writing. What was on the page was honest about the film. It is an extensively written story. As soon as I read it, I said, “I really want to do this movie,” because of the people that were involved. It was beautifully written because it’s written from the heart and it’s written authentically. It made it very easy for me to working with Michael, Jana and Matt. We were just all very willing to accept the story as a whole and collaborate in that realm. Kim is a difficult character. She would be a difficult person. She even finds herself difficult to be around. Knowing that there are people like that in your life and knowing that there are people just trying to do better…That’s sort of what the story is about, just trying to be better and for some reason can’t. But really, honestly, they are working through a place where they wake up one day and the character just wants to have a good day. It’s sort of just accepting the story of what their lives are. Michael and Jana were very, very present through all of that and understanding.

Q) The film is wrought in this poignant and provoking emotional angst where each moment of the movie transitions and feels so palpable from start to finish but it also intertwines these moments of levity that are endearing and disarming. How does the film take these messy and tumultuous interpersonal relationships while maintaining the light and levity in such a brilliantly balanced way?

A) I think it is the honesty. I hate to keep repeating myself on that moment, but it’s because so honest. It’s not glossy. It’s pretty raw. There is not a whole lot of sugar coating from any of the characters. It is a lens into a life in a way. It’s a lens into a life with good things with a wedding, love and friendship and a lot of women coming together. But there is also the raw, the gross, the dirty, the secrets and the shame. Those tumultuous relationships, that kind of energy, only craves authenticity and honesty. With that type of energy, you follow these people with true love and honesty and when those characters meet it’s only a matter of time before those characters unravel and that is something the lens of the film does very, very well.

Q) So much of the movie takes place in this remote rural area that’s Big Sur, Michael Gallagher has this way of making nature become kind of a character in itself. Can you talk about how this setting of the film plays into the themes we see?

A) Road trips do that for us. There is such inertia in this road trip film. There is a destination. It was about the journey and it is about the journey for Kim and Nic. It really is about the journey, but the journey doesn’t stop when you reach your destination. No matter where you go or where you are, you have to be able to face yourself. I think that’s very telling of our environment and landscape along the way. You see this landscape change and it’s really beautiful to see on film places you might never get to go to. Also, you see photographs of places you’ve never been to before and see them in this light, but know the energy of the setting you are in and you just see it as the world. I think Big Sur is somewhere that you would road trip to and it has nature, camping and getting down to your roots. That was something growing up on the coast you sort of dreamed of. Now, we see it photographed a little more recently. Maybe that’s just my experience, but I’ve seen it photographed a little bit more. It was a different experience of knowing about Big Sur when I was a child and it was this way to sort of get back to grounded. I think that’s sort of what it was supposed to be in this film. We’re going to this wedding there and we’re supposed to be getting back to our roots because this is pure and wonderful. The setting that you’re in you’re seeing this sort of ticking time bomb sort of happen and only this beauty can extract that and make that blow up.

Q) We got to see some behind the scenes pictures of you behind the lens. Is being behind the camera something you are working towards or hoping to someday take on yourself?

A) I am, yes. I do like being behind the camera a lot. I actually just grabbed some new gear for a trip that I’m about to embark on. We’re going to do a little site seeing for that. Michael Gallagher was so giving in terms of what I wanted to learn. Every time I walked away from the set I was like, “I didn’t learn enough!” [laughs] I was on a show for seven years and I feel like I walked away from it like, “I still haven’t learned enough!” [laughs] But especially looking back at this film, this was my first time learning about lenses. Though I had been on a TV show for several years Michael was shooting on lenses that I was so attracted to. He taught me about that skill. [laughs] I’m still diving into that. What this film was behind the scenes was just a bunch of people wanting to be creative and I think you can see that in what the film shows. Everyone was friends. Everyone wore hats that weren’t exactly their title. It was a really, really fun experience. It was a long time ago. Talking to you, this is the first time I’ve talked about this film in a year. So, it’s bringing back a lot of cool memories so I’m really grateful.

Q) We get these multidimensional characters who are loving and layered, messy and sometimes self-sabotaging. What do you hope resonates or audiences take away from seeing Funny Story?

A) I like films and TV where characters are not perfect. The imperfections, those are the things that we expect in the people that we love. I do feel like we relate to characters that are imperfect. They are interesting. Being perfect and cookie cutter isn’t interesting. [laughs] But if you don’t expect imperfections, where are we moving towards? It’s about finding people around you that balance you and accept that about you and you accept about yourself. I think that people can relate to this film in many ways. There are some stories where people will watch this and maybe it will hit a little too close to home. As long as you’re feeling something, you haven’t wasted your time. I think that’s what growth is and I think that is important. That’s our film. I hope you like it. If you don’t like it, at least you felt that you didn’t like it. [laughs] I think whatever you do with your time it’s important to make sure you feel something.

Q) The movie also doesn’t necessarily give you a happy ending. At the end of this movie, we get even more raw emotion, confusion and chaos. We still get a little bit of hope at the end, I suppose.

A) I think even in our darkest times there is always hope. Hope is a very dangerous ally that where we end up with that sort of unfinished foe is what life is. That bow is never going to be perfectly tied. You can recreate it and do other things with it. I’m more into certain films that I walk away where I’ll call my writing partners and say, “Uh! That was disgusting!” [laughs] Or, “I feel inspired.” Or, “I feel really weak or strong.” As long as you have something of those, it’s usually not because someone perfectly wrapped the storyline up for you.

[supastareden]

Inside the Sadness Plaguing K-Pop

by NATALIE FINN | Thu., Mar. 29, 2018 3:07 PM [X]

Nothing cheers you up, lifts you up, brings you life quite like pop music. Even when it's Harry Styles or Adeleor Sam Smith or BTS achingly belting their despair into that cold, lonely night...songs that make you feel all the feelings are still songs that are taking you to new heights. There's nothing quite like a tune that hurts so good.

As we wallow, so do we celebrate.

In South Korea, the genre is known as K-Pop—a catchy moniker established in the 1990s that's starting to catch fire around the globe—and all the hallmarks of the superstars of the Western world are present and accounted for: Charismatic boy bands, polished pop princesses, infectious chart-topping singles, carefully crafted images and tender-aged men and women who've inspired a level of fanaticism reserved for...well, almost no one besides pop stars these days.

Music is the universal language, after all.

But for the second time in four months, the K-pop world is in mourning, this time following the sudden death on March 25 of 100% singer Seo Minwoo. He was 33.

The actor and boyband heartthrob reportedly suffered cardiac arrest; an official cause of death has not yet been announced.

TOP Media founder Andy Lee, the singer turned K-pop impresario who's behind the groups 100%, Teen Top, Shinhwa and UP10TION, expressed his condolences in a statement online, calling Seo a leader known for his tenderness and sincerity.

While American audiences may still be largely in the dark when it comes to the ins and outs of K-pop and its artists, our mainstream exposure fairly limited to PSY's "Gangnam Style" and, more recently, the emergence of BTS on the world stage, fans took to social media to share exactly what Seo meant to them.

"Seo Minwoo is my life mentor. He gave up everything for 100% and perfection. Words are not enough to describe how great of a person he is. How lovely, caring and talented he is. Seo Minwoo, my king... I love you," wrote Haya on Twitter.

She continued, "Seo Minwoo gave up is acting career for 100%. Fought Top Media over and over again (f*ck you tm) to keep 100% together. Everything he did he put his absolute everything in. He openly supported LGBTQ, did vlives often to talk with perfection about their concerns."

Haya's current pinned tweet is from Dec. 24, 2015: "If 100% were a religion, I'd build them a church and dedicate my whole life and soul to them."

While that's a lot, it's indicative of the level of devotion that some K-pop stars have awoken in their fans.

A number of people tweeted that upcoming "selca days"—specific days each month on which fans post selfies with their favorite idols—should be canceled out of respect for Minwoo. 100%'s fandom is called Perfection.

And SHINee World knows what they're going through.

On Dec. 18, 2017, SHINee singer Kim Jong-hyun (known as Jonghyun) committed suicide, baffling fans and even fellow K-pop stars who figured the 27-year-old was on top of the world.

"It was so shocking, because we had seen him so often at events," BTS' RM told Billboard last month. He was so successful."

"My Poet My Artist My Jonghyun I miss you," tweeted w today. In fact, there are so many newly posted photos and video clips of the young man on Twitter that, aside from the occasional mournful missive like this one, you'd be forgiven for not knowing that he's gone.

The account Jonghyun On This Day is also doing its part to keep his memory alive.

But Jonghyun's death—authorities found charred coal briquettes in a frying pan on the stove, which produced carbon monoxide—obviously rattled the music world at large on multiple levels. In addition to the personal loss felt alike by loved ones and fans who felt they knew him, mental health is not an issue that tends to get much media attention in South Korea—or in Asia overall.

"To the South Korean government: Let #Jonghyun be the light in death that he was in life," tweeted Xavier on Dec. 18. "Recognize that suicide is an epidemic in South Korea and takes strides to ending the negative stigmas around mental health and to combat this issue. Don't let Jonghyun be another statistic."

A fan started a Change.org petition demanding that entertainment companies set up mental health support systems for their artists. More than 430,000 people have signed.

After some discussion, his family agreed to make public the suicide note the singer and songwriter, who made his solo debut in 2015 with the well-received album Base, left behind. His friend and Dear Cloud singer Jang Hee-yeon, known as Nine9, posted it on her Instagram. She said she'd obtained the note two weeks before Jonghyun's death and was asked to publish it if he "disappeared from the world."

"I'm broken from the inside," the note read. "The depression that has slowly eaten away at me has finally consumed me, and I couldn't beat it."

It concluded, "The life of fame was not for me. They say it's hard to bump up against the world and become famous. Why did I choose this life? It's a funny thing. It's a miracle that I lasted this long...

"What else is there to say? Just tell me I did well. Tell me that this is enough. Tell me I worked hard. Even if you can't smile, please don't blame me as you send me off. Well done. You've really worked hard. Goodbye."

In a sign that Jonghyun's death could help bring about positive change in the way mental health and depression are publicly discussed, the circumstances of his death continue to be a topic of conversation—one that Seo Minwoo's passing, no matter what the cause, only brings to mind all over again.

Just today a fan tweeted, "Nine said on the last interview Jonghyun once told her that she brings comfort to him. She noticed his condition got worse after blue night and when he gave her the letter she told his family right away, tried to save him, to prevent the worst from happening...

"I really believe everyone around him knew about his condition and tried their best to help him. that's why it hurts so much, that even though he got help he still wanted to leave."

In an interview with Billboard last month, members of BTS said that they wanted to keep the discussion about mental health going.

"I really want to say that everyone in the world is lonely and everyone is sad," Suga, 25, said, "and if we know that everyone is suffering and lonely, I hope we can create an environment where we can ask for help, and say things are hard when they're hard, and say that we miss someone when we miss them."

Bucking national mores and the pressure to be upbeat or put up an artificially glossy front all the time, Jonghyun, who also hosted the long-running music radio program Blue Night, had spoken out publicly about his battle with depression—much like young American stars such as Demi Lovato, Selena Gomez, Zayn Malikand Keshahave been widely applauded for doing these days.

His last Blue Night broadcast was in March 2017 after three years behind the mic. He admitted to Esquire Korea that he didn't like traveling and considered himself a homebody—and the close confines of a radio studio, just him alone with some music, had been a perfect fit.

"It may be that I came running to radio in order to escape," he reflected to the magazine, per an English translation. "I don't really like going outside. And I don't really like having to meet a lot of people. I'm also afraid of trying new things. The radio now felt like my own personal space. It had become an escape hatch for me to greet new things without feeling awkward."

Jonghyun, who cited personal matters as the reason he was leaving the radio show, said it had become important to him to share his metaphorical scars with the world.

"I'm fundamentally a pessimistic person," he said. "Ever since I was little I showed a lot of depressive feelings, and it's the same in the present. But I don't think I can keep living my life sustaining those depressive feelings forever. You might be able to go through the early-to-mid-part of your life with that kind of melancholy. But if you want to grow, you can only survive if you throw those feelings away.

"Unless you want to get trapped within yourself and die, you have to grow no matter how much it hurts—but if you stop because you're afraid, in the end it's inevitable that you'd remain in an immature state of mind. I chose the path to transform myself. To reveal myself to the public. To attempt to make my thoughts understood. I have to make people aware that this is the kind of person I am, and I can only be on the defensive if I know that they know."

The translator noted that she avoided using the word "depression," because Jonghyun didn't use what amounted to that word specifically. Even in talking about it, those feelings of sadness remained a beast with no name.

When Jonghyun died, his SHINee band mates and members of the group Super Junior (both groups under the S.M. Entertainment umbrella), all clad in black, carried his coffin from Asan Medical Center in Seoul to a waiting vehicle. His sister headed the procession, carrying a photo of her late brother.

The funeral was private, for friends and family only, but hundreds of people lined up to see the coffin leave the hospital.

A statement from S.M. Entertainment read in part (according to Rolling Stone), "The deep sorrow cannot be compared to ones of his family who had to let go of their loving son and brother but the employees and artists of SM Entertainment, also in deep shock and sorrow, are offering condolences. Jonghyun was the best artist who loved music more than anyone and always worked hard for his performance. We ask you to refrain from making rumors or assumptions based on reports in respect of his family who are in deep sorrow from the sudden news. As his family wished, his funeral will be carried out in the quietest manner with his family members and co-workers."

But Jonghyun's death was hardly the first time the punishing pace of the K-pop machine had come under fire.

In addition to being expected to tour and crank out albums, sometimes in multiple languages (SHINee had also recorded in Japanese), the artists often appear on a never-ending stream of competition TV series in addition to doing talk shows, photo shoots and public appearances to keep the fans both sated and hungry for more.

But despite the seeming glut of artists and groups to remember (there are so manyselca days), truly breaking through as a star remains an elusive concept—and standing out in South Korea's youth-obsessed culture can feel like an insurmountable challenge.

And then there's the appearance factor. "If a girl has a bad face and a good body, the problem can be fixed with plastic surgery," Kim Min-seok, a former trainer with YG Entertainment (considered along with S.M. and JYP as the "Big Three" agencies), told Broadly. in 2016.

Moreover, the litany of groups also tend to be carefully managed, meticulously packaged pop confections, with a management company pulling the strings behind the scenes. Those who hope to make it big are expected to dedicate their lives to that goal, and that's basically what signing a contract entails.

In January 2015, NBC News cited a survey of South Korean pre-teens: When asked about career aspirations, 21 percent said they wanted to be K-pop stars.

"I am thinking only one thing—our song keeps being played," 20-year-old Sowon, a member of the girl group GFriend, which had an international hit at the time with their debut single "Glass Bead," told NBC News. "I hope to perform anywhere, anytime, even if I can't sleep or I am tired."

On Feb. 24, 2015, aspiring K-pop star Ahn So Jin died after falling 10 stories from an apartment building, with police concluding that her death was a suicide. The 22-year-old had made a splash the previous year after making it to the finals of The Kara Project—a competition show held to find girl group Kara a new member after two girls had left.

"It has to be this, or nothing," Sojin said on the show's premiere. "I can't miss this." She had been a K-pop trainee with Kara manager DSP Media for five years but her contract had reportedly ended the month before her death.

Kara disbanded for good in January 2016.

ng Ha-Jin, a 23-year-old university student who had once been a trainee with S.M. Entertainment after winning a talent competition, told NBC News in 2015 that she wasn't allowed to have a cell phone while in the program and the competition to earn a coveted slot in an actual girl group was fierce—and stressful.

"The most difficult part in fact was when I saw myself and felt like I didn't grow up," she said.

The loss of individuality isn't limited to K-pop, either.

In 2013, Minami Minegishi of Japan's AKB48—a group with over 100 rotating members who appear in different configurations at different events—shaved her head and tearfully apologized in a video confession after she spent the night with her boyfriend, an apparent infraction of a no-dating rule.

"I don't believe just doing this means I can be forgiven for what I did, but the first thing I thought was that I don't want to quit AKB48," Minegishi said, according to the BBC. AKB48's manager said Minegishi, an original member of the group when it formed in 2005, had been demoted to trainee status.

Her fans, more appalled by the self-flagellation than anything else, rallied around her, insisting she not be punished for just wanting to live her life.

In 2015, the BBC reported that members of Japanese boy band SMAP somberly dressed in black and publicly apologized on their weekly show SMAPxSMAP after they attempted to leave their longtime agency Johnny & Associates.

The K-pop scene doesn't sound quite so rigid these days, with managers and producers perhaps not wanting to alienate coveted Western audiences with oppressive behavioral strictures, but it still demands a level of old-fashioned poise and accommodation from its artists.

"If you go to the agency, every young trainee will give you a very polite bow and there are notices with the company rules on the wall to remind them how to behave," K-pop industry expert Mark Russell told the BBC in 2016.

In June 2014, Taeyeon of Girls Generation and Baekhyun of boy band EXO apologized to their respective fan bases for the "disappointment, anger, hatred, frustration, and dejection" they presumably felt when they found out that Taeyeon and Baekhyun were dating (a coupling that would seemingly send their fans over the moon, Jelena-style).

Last June, T.O.P. of the group Big Bang was hospitalized for several days after overdosing on prescription medication, the incident occurring a day after he was charged with smoking marijuana—a crime punishable by up to five years in prison in South Korea. According to Today Online, when he was caught smoking in October 2016, he issued a handwritten apology letter stating, "I deserve punishment for hurting the (BIGBANG) members, agency, public, fans and family. I'll regret this for tens of thousands of years."

T.O.P. was found guilty and received a suspended 10-month prison sentence because the judge determined that, although he had admitted his guilt and "disappointed his family and fans," he seemed sufficiently remorseful.

"I'm truly sorry that I disappointed my fans and the public," the 29-year-old, whose real name is Choi Seung-Hyun, told reporters after his sentencing last summer. I will do my best to make a fresh start and not to make such a mistake again with what I've learned from this lesson,"

In August, management company WM Entertainment announced that JinE of Oh My Girl was taking a break from the group while she sought treatment for anorexia, stating, "We will wholeheartedly support JinE while she rests and receives treatment. We apologize once more for bringing this sudden news to fans and ask that you continue to show Oh My Girl unchanging love and interest." JinE's permanent exit from the group was announced in October.

It's impossible not to note a hint of concern over past K-pop tragedy and the pitfalls of fame in this otherwise cheerful birthday greeting sent today (already March 30 in South Korea) to Cha Eunwoo, or Eunwoo, of the six-member boy band Astro.

"Mr. Cha Eunwoo Happy birthday to our sweet and sparkling fluff. AROHA are so lucky to have you," wrote Ashlyn Akiko (who changed her handle to #happychaeunwooday for the occasion). "Stay happy and healthy."

[silkkpopbonnet]

Dilemma

Back in her room, Yeon told Marcella what her friend already knew to be true. Marcella shook her head and listened. Marcella’s hanbok had been delivered while Yeon was gone, and she held the dress in her lap running her fingers over the fabric.

“What if he’s not so bad?” It was just like Marcella to look on the bright side of things. She ran her hand over her box braids, fingering the bands on some of them.

“Please, don’t find a bright side in this. My dad is trying to arrange me into a marriage.” Yeon put her head down on her vanity, wondering where her life was going. She couldn’t be a complacent, quiet wife, by her husband's side, doing his bidding.

Holding up a hand Marcella stopped her from saying more. “He never said that, a possible marriage. Look at it this way. Dating was never really great for you in Atlanta.”

Yeon opened her mouth to say more, but Marcella stopped her. “It was not, so don’t try to make something up, I’m your best friend. You never dated long, you didn’t like the guys. Maybe, just maybe this isn’t so bad. What if you meet him, he’s attractive, he’s a pretty nice guy. You fall in love.”

Yeon had to admit what if Marcella was right. Her normal upbeat attitude about things did keep her sane. Yeon sighed, propping her head on her hand. “Why, do you have to be so positive and helpful? This isn’t a fairy tale, either. It could go exactly as I predict, and he could be a self-righteous asshole.”

“He could be, but we don’t know yet, so we have to see.” Marcella stood up, placing her dress on the bed. “If it doesn’t work out, your dad has to back off, right? there’s no way he’s going to let his daughter date multiple dudes in his company. Looks bad.” Marcella stood in front of Yeon, poking her cheek. “Smile.”

Several pokes later, Yeon slapped her friend's hand away. “Whatever, we will see if you’re right.”

Later that night, Yeon sat at the table her hands in her lap, her hanbok freshly pressed and she waited for her father to bring in this Jun Seo. Marcella was all smiles sitting on the opposite side of the table.

“Yeon, stop scowling.” Her mother said, fixing a napkin in front of her.

Yeon sighed. ‘Ma, please.”

“Stop scowling, smile, and be polite. Look at Marcella, she’s ready for action.” Leaning her head towards, Marcella.

“I really don’t want to get in the middle of this, I’m just supporting Yeon.” Marcella put her hands up in defense.

Just as Yeon was about to say something, her father entered the room again. The man that followed him was taller than her father. He had to be at least 6′0″, his face was chiseled, a strong jaw, hair cut short, he wore a light gray suit, with a red shirt matching her hanbok. As Marcella and her mother stood, Yeon almost forgot too, and she scrambled up, bowing saying hello.

“I suppose, that means you find him attractive?” Her mother whispered.

Yeon ignored her mother, as her father made introductions, saving Yeon for last. “This is my daughter, I’ve told you about. Hyo Park Yeon.”

He bowed towards Yeon before taking her hand, kissing it lightly. “It’s a pleasure actually meeting you, I’ve only seen your pictures in your father’s office. Call me Jun Seo.”

She bowed back, her face heating up as he kissed her hand. Marcella gave her the ‘yes, girl take him’ face, as she smiled at Jun Seo. “Yeon is what everyone usually calls me.”

Her father instructed Jun Seo to sit next to her, and they began dinner. Of course, her father would make Jun Seo talk about his accomplishments while boasting of the things that Yeon did in college. He talked about her stellar GPA, volunteering at animal shelters, her proficiency in English, Korean and French. During the course of dinner, Jun Seo gradually scooted himself closer to her, until his thigh was touching her own under the table.

“You look beautiful, I must admit, much better than in your pictures.” Jun Seo whispered as he leaned over into her space, his breath touched her neck.

Silently, she damned Marcella as she shivered at the contact. He was handsome, funny, witty, accomplished, and he seemed to like her, but did they have anything in common? So far, besides speaking English and Korean, nothing. She nodded at what he said, determined to play hard to get. As dinner ended, and dessert began, her parents excused themselves to the kitchen to check on ‘the preparations’ they said, as Marcella excused herself to the bathroom. Yeon tried to give Marcella a face to stay, but her friend smiled leaving her in the room with Jun Seo.

“So, you’re 20, you were living in Atlanta, you’re still in college majoring in business economics and a minor in math. That’s boring stuff, I want to know you.” His voice was deep, the bass of it seemed to drum in her ears, and make her all the more aware of how long it had been since she was this close to a man.

“Like what? Be specific.” She turned towards him, willing herself not to smile.

He flashed his pearly whites at her, taking her fingers in his too warm hand. “Your hand is cold, are you nervous?”

She tried to remove her hand, but he held on tight. “No. It’s cold in here.”

Jun Seo moved her hand towards his mouth, blowing warm air on her fingers. “It’s warm to me.”

“You’re quite hands-on, aren’t you?” She asked him raising an eyebrow.

Immediately he let her hand go. “I’m sorry, does that bother you? I assumed since you are not Korean, it wouldn’t bother you to physically show affection.”

Ok, what? Yeon scrunched her nose up, sliding back from him. “I am Korean.” She felt irritation creep into her chest. “I am also black, I can be both. I don’t have to choose.”

Jun Seo smiled at her. “I simply meant, you are not full Korean. You don’t have the stigmas of a woman who grew up here. America is…more open to that sort of thing.”

“I am not full Korean. I’m a black woman. So, you would assume, I was ok with you touching me? You would think I was sexually open?” She put her balled fist under her chin, watching him search for what to say.

“I didn’t mean to offend you.” He put his hands up in defense. “I think what I said was wrong. We grew up in different households, perhaps what I know is not what you know. You spent a lot of time in America, and correct me if I am wrong, but if a man likes a woman there, it is acceptable for him to show physical affection. I simply thought you would be alright with this.”

She watched his face, he was trying to placate her. She decided to let it go, for now, turning away from him, taking a drink from her glass, saying nothing.

“Am I wrong?” His fingers gently brushed the curls on the back of her neck.

She shivered, mentally hating herself for not being immune to his charms. “When I don’t like it, I’ll be more than happy to let you know.”

He laughed, letting his hand fall down her back. “Your father said you had a tongue with fire on it.” Leaning in close to her, she could smell his cologne, he let his mouth graze near her ear, his arm settling in front of her, his hand covering her own. “I don’t think I mind getting burned.”

Yeon felt her heart damn near fall into her stomach, it had been so long since she even let a man touch her sexually. ‘You will not sleep with him, you will not kiss him.’  She chanted in her mind. Just as she was about to answer however, her parents came back into the room, her mother carrying dessert.

“I hope we weren’t gone too long.” She felt the absence of his heat near her, his thigh wasn’t even touching hers anymore, and she almost missed it.

Marcella came back into the room, not meeting her eyes, as she sat down. After dinner, Mr. Hyo and Jun Seo went to his office to talk, while the ladies went into the parlor.

“He’s very nice, isn’t he? And handsome too, your father wouldn’t disappoint you.” She stood next to the door of the parlor, holding onto Marcella’s arm. “We will leave you in here now, I think your father will bring Jun Seo in awhile.”

“Wait, what?” Before she could protest, both women left her in the parlor, standing in the middle of the room, looking like an idiot.

It wasn’t long before Jun Seo came in, closing the door behind him, he brought a glass of wine with him. “I bring a gift.” He settled himself on the couch, waiting for her.

“Look, Jun Seo.” He cut her off, putting the glass into her hand as she sat down.

“Drink, take the edge off your nerves.” He took a sip of his own, staring at her.

“No, I’m going to talk thank you. Don’t get any delusions of grandeur in your head. I’m 20, I’m not looking for marriage.” She took a sip of her wine, staring him down, accessing him.

“I realize. We can date a few years.” He smiled at her and continued to speak before she could protest. “You don’t know me well, I understand. We just met, but from what I can see, and what I know. I like you. Give me a chance. It wouldn’t kill you right?”

She sighed, resisting the urge to roll her eyes at his attempt to look cute. “I can do that.”

“Good, I’d like to take you on a lunch date, tomorrow. I can bring a friend, for your friend. He likes brown women.” There goes that again, she thought, and she jumped to Marcella’s defense.

“He better not have a fetish. I don’t play that. She’s my best friend.” He shook his head at her.

“Not like that, I mean he prefers browner women, I don’t think it’s a bad thing or a good one. That’s just his preference.”

She narrowed her eyes at him. “I’ll keep an eye on him, however, yes, you can take me out.”

“Good, now something else I’ve been waiting to do all night.” Jun Seo quickly took her glass from her, setting it on a low table in front of them. He moved his hand to the back of Yeon’s neck bringing her lips to his, kissing her.

She felt her lips soften as soon as he touched hers. The hand on the back of her neck, slowly left, trailing down her back, pushing her body into his. She moaned softly into the kiss, her lips opening, he didn’t take the opportunity instead he licked his tongue out trailing along her lower lip. She felt her resolve weaken, and just as she felt the need to attack him, he let her go, pulling her to a stand.

“I’ll see you tomorrow at noon.” Bowing at her, he opened the doors wide to the parlor, and walked out, leaving her in the room, dazed and wondering if that really just happened.

The whole night Marcella quizzed her on what happened. Asking the same questions in different ways, seeing if there was more to be picked at with this guy. She told her about the kiss, and Marcella nearly squealed, asking for an exact play by play of the story. When the girls parted for the night, Yeon laid in bed, thinking about his lips on hers. So maybe, he wasn’t so bad. She could definitely give him a try.

The next day, she prepared for her double date. Choosing a simple outfit of jeans, a V-neck shirt, keds, and a kimono wrap. She still had her American style. She drove one of her father cars, to the venue and met with Jun Seo and his friend. They had lunch of the veranda, and she learned more about him. She saw how open he was, outside of her fathers home. He greeted her with a smile and a kiss on the cheek, chaste.

She did still have a love of K-pop but she loved conscious hip-hop like Kendrick Lemar and Talib Kweli. He was a fan of Drake. She enjoyed science fiction movies, and he confessed there was no movie better than Predator. They both loved Star Trek, and Jun Seo admitted in his free time he played Call of Duty or League of Legends. She was more of a Metal Gear Solid or Final Fantasy kind of girl. The date ended, but he didn’t kiss her again, he hugged her whispering into her ear, that he couldn’t sate her appetite just yet for him. She rolled her eyes, departing with Marcella back towards home.

“So, are Y'all gonna date?” Yeon thought long and hard about her next words.

“Yes and no.” She looked down at her phone at a red light changing the song to one by SHINee.

“Ok, so what does that mean? You can’t do both.” Marcella sat back in her seat waiting to hear this gem of an explanation.

“We can date and he can take me out, but I’m not committing to anything just yet. I just got here, I still want to concentrate on school and have fun. My dad wants me to see if he’s ok and date. Fine, I’ll do that, but nothing serious.” She was confident in her answer.

“So, you're gonna hoe.” Marcella laughed as Yeon reached over, trying to hit her.

“Not gonna be fucking. I mean, I’d like to, but Korea is different than America in that aspect.” She smiled, giving Marcella, a side eye. “Maybe, he can taste the cookie, but that’s it for a sampler.”

Marcella bust out laughing. “Dirty bih!!”

The girls clubbed that night, sleeping in the next day, The following week was Marcella’s last week, and they shopped, saw movies that came out earlier in Asia, on that last Friday they decided to go to a new club in Seoul. Yeon let her hair go in a wash and go, she did up her makeup, applying a burgundy lipstick. She wore a short-sleeved, form-fitting club dress, that came mid-thigh, but had a low collared neck, a long gold necklace completed the accessories. Her gold calf high sandals adorned her newly pedicured feet, with her French tipped toes.

Marcella wore a long-sleeved, deep V-neck white dress. It was mid-thigh and she choose to accessorize in red, with red heels. Her thin chained silver necklace lay between her breasts, as both girls looked at themselves in the mirror.

“Walking sexbots.” Marcella purred, slapping Yeon’s ass playfully.

Yeon rubbed her ass. “I could go home with someone tonight.”

Marcella raised a skeptical eyebrow. “And have your parents pissed at me for not stopping you?”

“We can always say check into a hotel, say we were too drunk to come home.” Yeon grabbed a black clutch, opening her door.

“We’ll see.” Marcella walked past her, and down the stairs.

The girls drank, dancing the night away to a mix of American pop, rap, K-pop and K-rap. They danced with each other, and some group of guys, who had been following them half the night. Marcella was still on the floor grinding with some tall guy who thought, leopard print was the hottest thing; when Yeon went to sit down in their both, sobering up with water.

Jay didn’t really feel like going to the club tonight, but Gray was all about it. This new place had only been opened since last week, and people were already raving about it. Some Korean rappers, already said it could be their favorite spot, so they had to check it out.

“Come on, Jay, you’ve been in that studio for like two weeks. Besides, there could be some cuties out here, maybe take one or two home.” Simon-D smiled, at him as they got past the velvet ropes.

“You know that’s not my style.” Jay kept his shades, on following the waitress who was a little too happy to walk in front of them, letting her too tiny dress hike up on her thighs.

She wasn’t his type though, too eager. She leads them to a booth in the back, leaning back on the table to show them her enhanced goods. Jay looked around, putting his shades on top of his head. The spot was live, that much was true, and just as he was about to sit down, the lights flashed on a woman’s face, drinking a water bottle alone. He watched her lips around the bottle, his eyes moving to her face. She was beautiful. Gray, pulled him into the booth, and he didn’t hear what they said to him as he craned his neck around to see the woman. She had disappeared into the crowd. Jay stood up and looked for her again. There was another booth closer to her, he ran his hand through his hair, moving it away from his eyes.

“Let’s move to that booth. It’s still VIP, but I can see the club better.”

Gray and Simon-D groaned, protesting from moving from their spots, but when Jay had already started walking, they got up following him.

“What’s the rush? The waitress, was cute.” Gray called to him.

“Yea, if you like fake breasts,” Simon-D mumbled, earning an arm punch from his punch.

The two continued to talk, as Jay slid into the new booth, with a good vantage point on the woman he wanted to look at. She was mixed that much was obvious, she had thick curly hair, that framed her face, her eyes gave away her Korean heritage. She stood up waving to another woman, and he nearly choked on his tongue looking at her body, she was shapely, he wasn’t a breast man in the first place, but those hips. That ass. He was in love on looks alone.

“I see what he sees,” Gray said, pointing her out to Simon.

Simon gave him a nudge. “She’s cute, go say hi Jay, why you still sitting here?”

They both knew why. Jay loved giving his fans a show, he danced and played around, his videos were steamy, and yea he could make sex sound like an art form but in reality, he was private. He was shy and quiet. Only those close to him saw how he truly was. What fans saw, what they heard and who Jay Park really was, didn’t always correlate. He wasn’t really listening to them, all he knew was that the lyrics to his song solo were in his head now. ‘Please be single, be single, be single.’

“Naw, she probably got a man, woman like that.” He leaned back, watching as her friend, headed back to the dance floor. He ordered a drink, looking away from her, thinking if he should just nurse it for the night.

Yeon swiveled her neck around, now that the room wasn’t spinning anymore. She sighed, feeling the heat of eyes on her face. It was always a peculiar thing, thing, when in a room with hundreds of other people you could feel, one pair of eyes on you. It was like a creeping feeling, somewhere in your soul, that nagged at you. She looked around carefully, before settling on a face, that watched her. His eyes darted away from her face, and she watched his friends start to laugh at him, pushing him playfully. She grinned, so it was him. He was cute, his hair was longer on top, and kept falling into his face, making him push it away.

Were those tattoos? His whole left arm was covered in them it seemed, down to his hands. She looked away, finishing her water, but peeking out the side of her eye. He looked back at her, god licking his perfect lips, she seized the opportunity and snapped her face back towards him smiling, He nearly died, turning his whole body away, from her. Was he really about to sit here and play like she didn’t just catch him? Yeon rolled her eyes standing up, she fixed her dress, walking around the back of the booth, while he was looking away.

Jay felt his heart race, she caught him again. He should really just say something to her. Gray echoed his thoughts. He looked back towards her table, she was gone. Shit, had she left? Where did she go? Just as he wiped his jeans off, about to get up, he felt a tap on his shoulder.

“So, you were gonna play cat and mouse with me all night and not say hi?” Even her voice was sexy, he turned on his best smile turning around to look at her.

“Naw, I was sending you mind waves, for you to come to me.” He stood up, holding his hand out to her. “I’m Jae-Beom Park.”

“First name, last name, you must be American, that and no accent.” She took his hand, shaking it. “Are you going to invite me to sit?”

Jay looked flustered. “I’m sorry, yea go ahead.” He let her slide into the booth, trying to not let her catch him, staring at her ass, as she did so.

“I”m Park Yeon Hyo, by the way, just call me Yeon.” She turned towards his friends in the booth. “You guys are?”

Gray and Simon-D introduced themselves quickly before excusing themselves.

“Your friends don’t wanna throw salt in your G-A-M-E huh?” She laughed lightly.

“If I have any,” Jay said, trying to look humble.

“Uh huh.” She smiled at him, and he licked his lips, looking away. “Why do you keep looking away?” She pushed at his arm lightly.

“I don’t know. Nervous. You’re beautiful, you’ve probably heard it all, I’m wondering what I could say that’s different, and would pique your interest.” He was honest, in that statement, he looked full on at her, and Yeon watched his mouth move as he talked.

He was way too good looking, to be some regular everyday guy. “For starters, that. I don’t think I’ve heard it all, but you’re welcome to try.”

“You got jokes,” Jay stated, laughing at what she said.

They traded banter back and forth, he didn’t feel like he was even talking to her long, before his friend found her, and came up to her. “I’m ready to go are you?”

She nodded her head at Marcella, before turning to Jay to apologize. “I’m sorry, we’ve been here awhile, and I’m ready to sleep as well.” She stood up, offering her hand to Jay, frowning on the inside that he hadn’t asked for her number.

As she turned to walk away, she felt his hand on her shoulder stopping her, he looked bashful, pulling out his phone. “I’m sorry, I’m gonna hate myself tomorrow, if I don’t get your number.”

Marcella let out an ‘ohhhh’ in the background as Yeon rolled her eyes at her friend.

“I can’t let you do that now can I?” She took his phone, putting her number in and calling it, once it rang she hung up and handed it back to him. “Guess, I’ll hear from you whenever, Jae-Beom.”

She turned quickly, holding onto her friend's arm walking out of the club. Jay stared down at his phone, looking at her number before adding her name. He wondered how soon, was too soon to text someone.

Chapter Three

[xaz-fr]

First - Previous - Next

Set in a fantasy world of the semi socialist society Fey Alliance with magic, dick head dragon riders, benevolent necromancer, and even bigger dick head gods of mischief. The Zealous Servant is the story about a guy named Spayar who, basically, has to keep his crown prince of a bff from being murdered by his entire family by murdering them first. Honestly though Spayar just wants to take a nap and find a cute boy to kiss and not have to worry about his corpse potentially being dragged through the street after a war. Better win that shit then.

@barkingjester @golden-lionsnake @deadpool-scar-bro @bromeliadgoingdragon

So a thing of note here. There is zero alcohol drinking in the Alliance. It's got a lot of history in their culture as being a beverage of slave owners and the Alliance is SUPER anti slavery so in turn they don't drink except for some small areas. Instead most citizens of the Alliance do recreational drugs similar to weed or mushrooms or other opiates for the same reason they're anti alcohol. Plant based drugs was seen as a thing only slaves did and was very low class so because the Alliance is literally a country founded by freed slaves they kept their drug use roots. Not being able to handle your smoke has the same sort of social stigma in our culture as not being able to hold your drink and being an annoying/violent drunk. So if you want to smoke, you better keep your suit together and know when enough is enough or be labeled a high menace.

Also formatting is trash because Tumblr on iPad is also trash

Chapter 5: A Well Behaved Man

The day of Paja’s naming day it was like a switch had been flipped in the Garden. One day it looked as it had when Spayar had arrived save for a bit of construction and then he woke up and the entire Garden was different. Garlands covered nearly every plant, lights inside paper cups lined every pathway, every tree and bush had been forced into bloom by a faunamacer and all work had been suspended. The grounds of the Garden had been turned into a festival with cute animals to be pet by the children and games had been set up to participate in. A faunamacer had even been employed to make a living jungle-gym for people to climb on that would probably be gone in the morning. Several stages had been set up overnight for gymnastic displays and various rituals and bands.

And there was food everywhere. Pasta in more shapes than Spayar could comprehend covered in dozens of different sauces. Various roasted vegetables on sticks and mountains of fruit some he recognized and some he didn’t. But no meat. The only animals in the Garden were at the little petting station for the children. 

Spayar saw the food and all he could think was that the Nedalians must have been fairing better harvest wise than other parts of the Alliance. That or they had been stocking up specifically for this. He tried not to let that ruin the mood for him.

Von didn’t even seem to notice any of that and all he saw were the festivities. “I wasn’t expecting an actual party,” Von admitted.

“They just worship Lemp, they aren’t somber,” Spayar said.

A smile pulled its way across Von’s face. “This is cool. Let’s go see,” and he grabbed Spayar’s hand to go have breakfast. Spayar had no choice but to follow. He wasn't exactly happy about it. Von had decided that while he was in the Garden he was going to dress like a Nedalian man. Traditionally, because they lived in such a warm climate, Nedalians wore only what absolutely necessary to preserve their cultural modesty. That meant covering the chest, stomach, and back for women and the no shirts for the men but full pants.

Usually Spayar had no problem seeing men shirtless. The Nedalians who dressed like that didn't bother him at all. It was just Von. Standinh or walking around looking half dressed without a shirt. He looked almost at home in the Garden too with his summer bronze skin and sun bleached hair. He was doing it to make Helida like him more, and it was working. It also had the side effect of making Spayar forget what he was even thinking and sometimes even what he was saying. He was trying not to be miserable about it but when he had to worry about a coming Conflict being distracted by Von's abs was not exactly helpful.

Food for the entire day was already out in the morning as Von dragged him to the big paved courtyards for breakfast, being kept cool or hot by the appropriate elementally aligned warlock. They gladly picked at the offerings. Von was fond of the sweet pickles and honey glazed breakfast tarts made of custard and topped with berries. Spayar made sure he ate things other than sweets but he didn't know why he bothered. Von always pouted at him when he reminded him to eat properly and Spayar wasn't as immune to him as he thought he was. 

Before long the sun started to rise and they sought the shade of strategically placed awnings all over the Garden along with other Gardiens seeking their own respite from the heat.

They sat on the grass in front of a stage where a band was playing. Three wind players and a percussion person with a pair of hand drums. They were seated in the shade but playing to liven the mood. Around them the Garden was alive with people but most had done the same as them and were resting in the shade. Or the adults were. The children didn’t care about the heat and were still running around, playing the games, yelling happily or bothering the animals.

Spayar started when a man came and sat down next to them. Most of the locals save Helida ignored the two of them and everyone knew they were ’royal envoys’ with only the governing family knowing who they actually were. He was black like Spayar but not nearly as dark but from across the Sea. Most dark skinned people in the Alliance and the east had curly, kinky, wirey hair that could be brushed out into magnificent afro halos of hair. Typically west coast Shard peoples and beyond had wavy hair or greater loose curls. It was a way to spot a foreigner at a glance if they were darker skinned and didn't have proper peaked Feylon ears like this man didn't. He wore his hair close to his scalp and had a full beard dotted with traditional flower adornment of married men with children. If Spayar recalled it was two varieties for two children. “Prince,” he grunted with all the casualty of someone who wasn't afraid of someone of nobility. Spayar was mostly annoyed he didn't recognize them. He liked to think he knew everyone of the governing families but it was so easy to overlook the men of the Rosalia. They had little to no power or authority in matters of state and rarely made any waves because of it. That didn't make Spayar any less annoyed.

“You might have me confused with someone else, friend,” Von said with a joviel smile.

“Pretty sure I don't. Unless you're here calling my wife a liar?” he said mildly and gave Von a cool look with his pale gray eyes.

Von looked confused, “Not at all, Lord Necromonger, we just didn't recognize you,” Spayar said quickly. At least now he could place the man and also knew why he didn't know him.

“Funny that,” Ilnta Rosalia said and picked up a pipe from his side. “Care to share?” he asked with the same casual familiarity he'd been using all along.

“Depends,” Von said slowly. “What’s in it?”

“Just storm weed, mixed with some perfumes,” Ilnta said and leaned back on one arm. Spayar had a type but that didn't stop him from thinking Helida’s husband was a beautiful man. Maybe the Nedalians had the right idea with having them men folk go around without shirts on all the time.

“It’s like a mild version of modica,” Spayar told Von who looked confused. Storm weed was only smoked along the gut and Western provinces while modica, a smaller and hardier plant was used in the central Alliance to achieve the same effect. It was a fairly mild drug, easy to think through but lifted your mood pleasantly. Spayar had only heard of storm weed while serving time but the westerners always compared it to the more centrally popular modica.

“Then yes,” Von said with a smile. “Allow me,” and he reached a hand out. With a delicate twist of his fingers a spark jumped into the pipe and the weed started smoking gently. Ilnta took the first pull before handing it across Spayar to Von.

As Von politely took a pull he gave Spayar a look. He had no idea who this guy was despite Spayar naming his title. “What brings you here, Lord Ilnta?” Spayar asked when Von handed the curled pipe to him next.

“I like knowing what's happening in my Garden,” Ilnta said and rubbed one of his wide bangles. “Especially you two.”

“We’re just here for the party,” Von assured him. Spayar handed Ilnta the pipe back, his lungs full of smoke. 

Ilnta took a small hit and looked them both over. “No one comes to the Garden for parties. Come up with a better lie, your highness,” he said.

“You are,” Von said like a jackass and Spayar wanted to smack his hand across his face but knew that wouldn't help.

Ilnta looked from Von to Spayar and gave him a sympathic look. Why, Spayar had no idea. Was it all over his face? Great. “I live here,” he said. “My Governor asked me to make sure you were enjoying yourselves, and staying out of trouble.”

“The Governor is very hospitable,” Von said.

“Are you not enjoying yourself?” Ilnta asked Spayar.

”I keep business and pleasure separate,” was all he said.

Ilnta’s lip curled up at one side. “Very well d’aelar,” he said so respectfully that it made Spayar nervous. “We’ll see if we can't do something about that,” he handed the pipe back to Spayar. He didn't much like the sound of that. That sounded a lot like what Von said before they and their other friends had ended up stoned dancing on tables at a bar in Smoker’s Den. It had been fun but Spayar had been so burned out the next morning and in some strange man’s bed. It had turned out to be the son of Baron Hothrod, which hadn't been at all a pleasant morning leaving the manor in Assarus and had to walk all the way home from Fey’s Shadow to Bellringer in his clothes from the night before. Spayar tried to temper his ’fun’ after that. He cautiously took a drag of the pipe and Ilnta got to his feet.

“What was that about?” Von asked, lookimg after him as Ilnta walked off.

“I’m sort of afraid to find out,” Spayar said slowly.

“Let me have the last one,” Von said, holding out his hand for the pipe. Spayar gladly gave it to him as he kept his eyes trained on Ilnta where he was talking with a group of men.

“Try not to get too stoned tonight,” Spayar said, looking away from the group to Von. 

“Why not?”

“I don't think we really want to party like some Lemp worshippers.”

“You’re the one who keeps saying they're just people.”

“Yes, but first hand experience from serving time tells me that when people who live a regimented life style are allowed off their chain it can easily get out of hand,” he looked back at Ilnta.

“Don’t have fun on a naming day, got it,” Von said.

“That isn't what I meant-

Ilnta came back over with two men. One was older and clean shaven with features similar to Helida. Brother? Spayar knew she had one but not much beyond that. The other was bearded with a shaved head and a single red poppy woven into his beard. Spayar wasn't sure what was about to happen and it made him nervous. “Can we help you, gentlemen?” Von asked as he tapped the ashes of the pipe onto the ground.

“I heard you weren't here to have fun on my neice’s naming day,”said the clean shaven man with a full wide smile full of white teeth, arms spread. He had mischief in his dark eyes and Spayar was going to live to regret this. He already saw that in his future.

“Nonsense,” Von insisted. “We just… don't know how you do it out here.” Spayar knew that was the exact wrong thing to say when Ilnta and the man with the poppy also smiled the same smile Helida’s brother did.

“Well come then, we'll show you,” he offered a dark hand to Von. Von glanced at Spayar before taking it and was hauled to his feet. “There’s a exhibition starting real soon. It's better on this,” he handed Von a glass of bubbling liquid the poppy man had produced.

“Uh… I know you necromongers aren't warlocks but I can't drink,” Von said apologetically, ready to gracefully bow out of whatever nonsense this was. Thank the gods.

“It isn't alcohol, don't think we'd insult you like that,” he said nicely. “It’s dissolved.”

“You can do that?” Von asked, blue eyes wide.

“Won’t know if you don't try,” Ilnta said encouragingly.

Spayar got to his feet, took the drink out of Von's hand and knocked in back in two gulps. “I would prefer if you didn't hand him something we don't know.” He wasn't going to let his prince drink some mysterious liquid with who knew what actually in it. That and Ilnta seemed like the same sort of annoying guy as himself who refused to accept no as an answer and knew he could get away with anything as the husband of the Governor and High Necromonger. What a jackass. No wonder people said Spayar was annoying sometimes. 

“You drank it,” Helida’s brother said.

“I’m expendable, he's not,” Spayar said casually. “Let’s keep it familiar.”

“Hmm, I think that can be arranged.”

“Well we are here, we might as well do as the Nedalians do,” Von said helpfully.

“That’s the spirit,” Helida’s brother said and clapped an arm around Von's shoulder. Von just gave him an uneasy smile. “You stick with Od and we'll have a good time!”

“What’s this exhibition?” Spayar asked. He was already starting to feel whatever it was he'd drunk. It wasn't alcohol, he'd had that just to see what it felt like. This was more like mallium as a drink. Meaning he couldn't let Von anywhere near it. Von's favorite was mallium and he didn't need to be stoned and chasing after an equally stoned prince. That always led to disaster.

“Ever seen a contortionist?”

“A whats-onist?” Von asked.

“Someone who can contort their bodies into crazy positions,” Od explained. “That’s why it's better high,” he grinned.

“If you say so,” Von said slowly.

“Moddi, Ilnta, let's find something else for our guest since his friend was so eager to try it first.”

Spayar didn't like any of this. He also knew better than to stop any of it. If Helida had sent Ilnta to see how they were doing it meant she would approve of this. And that she expected her guests and perhaps future allies to participate in the way her own people did. That didn't make him feel much better. He went over to Ilnta’s side when Od led Von over to where adults were smoking and casually keeping children from getting their hands on the substances despite them just wanting to mimic the adults.

“Why are you doing this?” he quietly asked Ilnta.

“Doing what?” Ilnga asked casually.

“You know what I mean.”

Ilnta looked at Spayar, “You really must relax, friend. Your hair will go gray,” and he mimicked Od’s position on Von with him. “It’s my daughter's naming day. You think I care what you're doing here? About a petty royal dispute? Not even in the slightest. You two just look out of place. Sober, dressed up,” he glanced up a day down at Spayar’s clothes. Spayar rolled his eyes. Ilnta leaned in close to whisper into his ear, the sound of his voice making his ear tingle, “You’re not the only ones here.” Spayar didn't react. “So relax,” he squeezed Spayar's shoulder.

“That is the last thing I'm doing now,” Spayar said, giving him an exasperated look and trying his best to stay focused. “What was in that drink?”

“Calshoi oil from the south. Nice right?”

Spayar stared at Ilnta for several seconds. “I severely underestimated you.”

Ilnta grinned, his teeth a thin white slice against his dark lips, “Don’t feel bad kid,” he said, clapping Spayar firmly on the shoulder. “Everyome does. You'll be fine. Nothing bad is going to happen. Just relax. That's what she wants.”

“You must not know him because Spayar never relaxes,” Von declared, standing before them again with Od.

“Sounds like a challenge,” Ilnta said, squeezed his shoulder again and before Spayar could complain was directed across the field. Od spoke with Von the entire way but Spayar couldn't focus on what was being said. The calshoi was hitting him hard and so was whatever Von had taken. As the hottest part of the day broke people came out from there shelters where they'd been relaxing, smoking, and socializing, going to find more food, drugs, or some exhibition or band to loiter in front of. 

That made the rest of them in good company as Spayar and Von were led over to a low stage where two Nedalians, but not native to the Garden, were seated on impossibly thin stools wearing skin tight clothing covered I'm vibrant geometric patterns. What wasn't covered in fabric was painted in the same style. They waited until they'd gathered a crowd before a string player Spayar couldn't see started to play a quick bouncing beat. Spayar stood, unimpressed, as the women got off their stools, bowed to the small crowd and Spayar wasn't even sure. It looked like they folded themselves over each other and around in a way he could only describe as snake like. 

He ended up staring open mouthed at the way their bodies bent and twisted, limbs looking broken as they took impossible poses. They used each other and the stools as props and moved only to the poppy beat of the music. The longer he watched the more the calshoi took effect and their geometrically patterned clothes and painted bodies became even more exaggerated and impossible. He couldn't look away and now he was very glad he'd taken that drink from Von because Od was right. This show was way better on it.

Then almost as soon as it started it was over. Spayar was aware that it was the drugs distorting his feeling of time but he didn't mind. He clapped with the rest of the crowd and the contortionists bowed one more time to them before climbing back onto their stools to wait for the crowd to change to do it all over again.

“That was so cool,” Von said. “I’ve never seen anything like them.”

“Yes well the rest of the Alliance doesn't have the same good tastes as us,” Od said and was steering Von away. Spayar followed and grabbed the back of his belt just so they didn't get separated. Von didn't notice and was talking to Od. They arrived at another stage, this one with a full band of bright horn players and three sets of huge drums, all played by shirtless men. Spayar just stared and forgot what was going on. While in the shade it was still warm and they were playing high tempo music and jumping and stomping their feet so their skin glistened with sweat in the bright coastal sunlight.

“You alright there, friend?” Ilnta asked him when he stood, stupified.

The next words out of his mouth were only because he was high and only Von laughed at first, “Are any of them single?” Once it registered with their hosts they snorted.

“Afraid not. They're all married,” Od said teasingly.

“What a waste,” Spayar said which earned him more snickering. Even though it was true. What a waste of good looking men to be married.

“Do you dance?” Od asked Von.

“Not to this? I don't think. Spayar, do I know any eastern dances?” he poked Spayar in the shoulder, distracting him.

Spayar blinked at him. “Von, I don't know anything. I'm really high right now,” he said right to his face which just made Von erupt into a giggling fit so hard it got the others going and after a few moments the entire area of people around them were laughing for no reason other than they were all the same level of stoned and laughing sounded like a great idea. Spayar didn't understand what was so funny. He'd just said the truth.

Once their direct area of people had settled down a bit Od said, “Well show you one you don't know then,” with one of his big white smiles. Von just smiled and nodded and allowed Od to pull him to where people who hadn't been infected by Von's giggling were dancing to the rowdy music. 

“And what about you?” Ilnta asked him.

“What about me what?” 

Ilnta snorted, “Do you dance, d'aelar?”

“I do but I'm not nearly high enough for you to get to see,” Spayar said.

“That’s a challenge you don't want to give me, friend,” Ilnta said.

“No. I don't dance,” he changed his mind. “You’re not cute enough got that,” he added because if there was a cute boy around who wanted to dance with him he'd dance with them. But he'd already made up his mind that all the men in the Garden weren't attractive enough for him. Sober Spayar knew that was a lie. Sober Spayar had also made up his mind about that so that high Spayar wouldn't end up in some random guy’s bed. If he found a cute boy that is exactly what would happen and he needed to keep an eye on Von. He looked around. “Where’s Vondugard?” 

“Just there,” Ilnta grabbed her shoulder and pointed to where Od and Moddi were having the best time ever being high and attempting to show a high Von how to do what they were doing. Western dances were a lot more foot work than central or southern dances Von was practiced in. “Feeling relaxed?”

“Against my will, but yes,” Spauar grumbled.

“Good enough!”

Spayar ended up sitting on a bench and watching while the others of their group danced to the banging drums and wailing metal horns. He tapped his foot, bobbing his head to the beat but didn't participate other than that. Only when the band was done to take a break did Von stumble over to where he was. His eyes were a bit less shiny than before, more focused. “Were you over here the entire time, Spayar?” Von asked.

“Maybe,” Spayar said. While Von was coming down from whatever he'd taken Spayar was still up.

“That was fun but I really need to lay down,” Von complained.

“Of course, of course,” Od said. He was still up too. Spayar wasn't sure Ilnta had ever taken anything other than initial storm weed he'd shared with the two of them. “It’s chems so perfect for a break. After was when the Governor planned to host the gift opening,” he added. Then he looked at Ilnta, “It is chems now, right?”

“It is,” Ilnta said with a chuckle.

“Perfect. Let's go.” 

They were marched off to the buffet which had been refilled to some degree. Von just ate whatever was handed to him Od insisted he needed to try. It took Od exactly five seconds to discover Von's sweet tooth and Spayar watched with a sigh as Von ate a chems that was mostly sugar. Spayar just found some partially frozen fruit to help cool him down some more since he was wearing a shirt.

In the few seconds he looked away Od had given Von a suspicious pink cookie that when Spayar got one and smelled knew it wasn't just a sweet. He managed to grab the other half away from Von before he could eat the entire thing. “Hey! Spayar,” he complained.

“Just be sober for the gift opening,” Spayar ate the rest of his just so Von couldn't take it back and it was usually bad form to eat more than one of any laced food at a time. Either it was rude to take more than one or people thought you had a problem. It would keep Von fairly sober to pay attention to the gift opening. Wasn't good for Spayar's state but he'd rather be high than Von be high for this. 

“Fine,” was all Von said.

They picked at the buffet a bit more before adults started gathering up the children and taking them to a central location under a pavilion. That seemed as good an indication that something was going on. Ilnta directed them to where it was happening and left them to find a place to sit or stand. Spayar had to sit. Whatever he'd taken was not mixing well with the calshoi and he really wasn't happy about being vertical.

There was a mountain of presents for little Paja’s naming day. All shapes and sizes. Most in colored boxes but others in silk or painted canvas bags. Paja was only three with an afro held back by a jeweled head band and looked about to crawl out of her mother's arms to get at the gifts. Ilnta stood next to Helida with his hand on a young boy’s head who was the spitting image of him down to his storm gray eyes.

Helida said something about thanking everyone for coming and for the gifts for her daughter before putting her down. The little girl, with the help of her big brother and several of her friends, started opening all the boxes and bags. There was polite clapping or a little cheer each time she got something open. A collection of dolls soon formed an army off to the side and animal shaped toys and there was over a dozen potted plants that were either flowering or were decorative shrubs. There was also a fair amount of jewelry, all of made of wood or stone and brightly colored for a child’s taste. Spayar stopped paying attention somewhere around the twelfth doll and his attention was caught by a sheep shaped rocking horse he was sure was giving him a funny look.

Von nudged him and he started. What was he supposed to pay attention to? His eyes darted across the assembled faces to where Helida was crouched next to Paja and making her stand still long enough to pull her hair back some and pin it into place. When Paja could finally go back to her gifts Spayar squinted at the ornament and saw it was the pretty hair comb Von had bought at Tassa’s suggestion.

He patted the back of Von's knee to get his attention and offered a slightly raised hand. Von smacked the bottom of his fingers against Spayar's in a little moment of triumph. 

Spayar spaced out the rest of the gift opening but he did get startled into clapping with the rest of the crowd once the last gift had been opened. Von helped drag him to his feet. “How you feeling?”

Spayar blinked at him a few times. “Better than you.”

“Thats for sure!” he looked around. “Od, Od,” he waved at Od who was standing a bit away. “My babysitter has divined that I'm allowed to party again.”

Od turned his focus back on the both of them from here he was talking with a scary blonde woman with a red eye. “Oh yeah? Great!” No not great. So not great. “You still up, young man?” he asked Spayar.

“I think the calshoi might finally be wearing off. Don't give us that.”

“Awww, no fun. Very well,” he came around behind them both and looped his arms around both of their shoulders. “We’ll just have to find something else,” and he guided them away from the opened gifts back to the bar. 

The rest of the day passed in a haze of loud music, more food, and Od getting way more stoned than either of them. As night came lamps were lit, the children sent to bed, and harder stuff was brought out. Spayar had sobered up by then and had to stop Von from being convinced by Moddie to try slate. All their new necromonger friends did it instead. It didn't take longer after that for a good natured fight to break out. Said fight ended in three broken arms and a healer being called. Not a single man seemed to mind the broken bones either and just called each other school yard names.

Before it grew too late and who knew what else Od would convince the two of them to take Spayar begged off saying they were tired and needed to go to sleep. A sober woman waved Od away and let them leave. Spayar had to pull Von away.

They made it back to their guest rooms in one piece. Von was practically laid across Spayar's entire side babbling highishly about nothing. Or if Spayar cared to pay attention he was saying stuff about how great it was the Rosalia were going to help him kill his family.

Spayar dumped Von onto his bed once they got inside, still dressed as he was. Once there Von kicked off his boots but didn't even make it to the pillow and it was much too warm for a blanket.

"Goodnight Spayar," Von sighed contently, eyes closed, still high as could be.

"The stuff I put up with because of you," Spayar grumbled.

"I know," Von said dreamily, "but you love it," and he yawned thickly.

Spayar looked down at Von. By the deep, even, rise and fall of his chest Spayar could tell he was already asleep. No shirt and his skin still warm and glowing from the day in the sun. "Why Quen?" he asked the goddess of desire because in that moment he felt so weak looking down at Von laying sprawled out on the bed. Spayar could see his tan line between the deeply tanned, nearly golden, skin, and the pale shade of skin like that started at his pant line. "Why must you do this to me?" he looked up at the ceiling like she was looking down at him from there mockingly.

It'd be so easy to just do something. It was so tempting. So damn tempting. Curse Can'dhe for putting his fate in line with Von's. He had to have a strong will to be Von's friend and not just go crazy because yes, he did want his prince. In his current state he wasn't as strong as he normally was. It wasn't so easy to look past how wonderful he was, how adult he'd become while Spayar had been serving time. He knew he was better than this. Better than allow drugs to take advantage of his state of mind like this.

“I’m not doing it, Quen. Find someone else to ruin,” he mumbled and managed to stumble away from Von's bed. He squeezed his eyes shut as he did so he couldn't see him.

He made his way to the door and paused when he heard Von roll over. He did the stupid thing of looking back. Von was more laid out and Spayar could see the curve of his hips and spine, the softly defined shape of his hip bone pressing against flesh. He closed his eyes again. “Go away Quen,” he whispered even as he could practically feel her hovering over his shoulder, whispering in his ear. It was like he could feel her long nails dragging across his chest, tempting him. He wasn't sure what she was tempting him to do but that didn't matter to the goddess of desire. Spayar’s pain was enough of a necter for her.

He took a breath and walked out of the room. He locked the door behind him and went to his own room. He hated being in love.

[anna-catherine-bruno]

Mental Illness & Following Jesus

It was one of my goals in 2019 to be more open. It was also one of my goals to get back to making these blog posts. So in light of Bell Let’s Talk, I’ve decided to do just those two things.

I’m not sure exactly where to start, but I know I cannot be the only Christian who is confused and tired by the way many believers approach mental health. I tend to get two overarching reactions when talking about mental health (as I do quite often as a psych undergrad student); one response entails speculation of dark powers driving the mental health issues in the people who have them, which usually comes with comments about praying for their problems, or demons, to go away. The other reactions tend to be ones of disbelief that it's really an illness, getting comments like “they just need to shake it off.” And even though as a Christian I do believe in an enemy at work, and I do believe in the power of prayer, I've come to realize that mental health, just like physical health, is not necessarily something we all will live without. I’m also very aware, and pleased to know, that people, Christian or not, are becoming more informed of what’s the deal behind mental health, and doing what they can to break the stigma. And to that, I say thank you! But this blog is being posted for those still on the fence. This isn’t a post to start a theological debate about mental health or argue whether a Christian should be healthy and prosperous all the time if they just have enough faith. This is to share my journey with mental health, as a Christian, and to share how good God is in all my messiness.

So to start, let me tell you about my imperfect self. A part of me who I just opened up about to my fiancé, my family, and some of my friends in the last two years, because before that it was regularly suggested to me to “just be thankful”, “pray for God to take it away” and not to share my struggles when sharing my story, because people will think I’m “looking for attention”.

P.S.: I still have a loud voice inside me telling me people will think I’m looking for attention, but I have a louder voice telling me I can’t hold back what God has done for me in my life.

My mental struggles, as far as I can remember, started when I was about 11. I dealt with the (sadly) common struggles most 11-year-olds deal with. Body issues. My body was beginning to change out of my lanky child figure, and I have pretty heartbreaking memories of being a young girl, not yet in high school, pinching my fat and bawling my eyes out alone in my basement on a weekly basis. Fast forward to age 15, being in high school, starting to take an interest in pimpled ridden, voice cracked, hormone surged 15-year-old boys. Something in me switched at that age. I went from being sad about my chub to obsessing over taking control over it. Hence, the bulimia started. Purging was something I planned to do only temporarily until the weight came off. The sad part of an eating disorder is the weight really isn’t the problem. At 16 I weighed 125 pounds at 5 foot 6 and was obsessed with losing more weight. The goal was always 99 pounds, and I only got to 117. So, year 16 and 17 of my life was P90X and purging on a daily basis.

We’ll come back to the eating disorder later because at 17 another wave hit me. Anxiety. It’s funny because all my life I would say “wow I’m feeling so anxious right now” or “that gives me so much anxiety” lightly until the anxiety actually came. It started in grade 11, I lost a lot of my high school friends (a lot of whom I’ve reconnected with and love more than ever today, thank God). I would cry almost every night thinking about my next day at school and the feelings of loneliness. I would often find myself in the girls' washroom hyperventilating. The anxiety carried into every aspect of my life, often manifesting into full-blown panic attacks; curled up in a ball, on the ground, seemingly out of nowhere, unable to catch my breath, sometimes for up to 15 minutes. After a pretty rough breakup, things got exponentially worse. For about 6 months I was getting about 2-3 hours of sleep a day, a great side effect of anxiety called insomnia, and I felt like I was drowning in fears, hopelessness and thoughts of suicide.

It was when I was 17 I first started seeing a psychologist. Fast forward another two years, and I’m doing better. I’ve learned how to manage the panic attacks, I dealt with the anxiety, and I was sleeping much better. What I didn’t know at nineteen, and which I know now, is I was still dealing with what I’ve been dealing with from the beginning. Depression. It’s kind of weird, but as I write that word, I have a smile on my face. We’ll get to why in a second.

At 19, as many of you know, and the reason this blog even exists, I went to L.A. to serve with Youth with a Mission Los Angeles. While I was there I shared my testimony countless times, often talking about anxiety, but avoiding depression and especially avoiding my past with an eating disorder, mostly because I became very close with girls who had eating disorders, and I got it into my mind that because I wasn’t institutionalized for it, it wasn’t really a problem and I shouldn’t bring it up. It was in Barcelona that year that I gave my life to Christ (yes, I was raised in the church. No, I didn’t know Jesus until I was 20). I came back for the summer, started dating my now fiancé, and went back for another few months where I grew so much more in my faith. It was some of the best times of my life.

I really believed everything that was ever wrong with me, everything messy in my life, was behind me. After growing so much in that year, surrounded by amazing people who were growing beside me, I felt free. The kicker is that I came home, started studying psychology (typical, a girl with mental issues goes on to study mental issues, isn’t that most of our stories?), and my “messy past” caught up to me eventually.

This past year I really faced my mental health, afraid, but head first. I realized a few things. One was that I have control issues. Many people who know and love me know that I get really, unwarrantedly upset if I get a grade below A. Sometimes they laugh until they see or hear how much I obsessed and beat myself up for not getting a perfect score. I work really hard to get the grades I do, and it’s looking like I’m going to graduate with somewhere between a 3.9-4.0 GPA, but I also have had a 2-year struggle of hating myself and ripping myself apart for not being absolutely perfect in everything I do. This mentality led to me trying to gain control and be “perfect” in other areas of my life. Yes, you guessed it, the purging began. At the beginning of 2018, I found myself back into my high school habits, and thank God I have a fiancé who was always there to listen and help me through it this time around. The depression also continued and still continues, although it comes more in waves nowadays and not a constant tug.

So, where am I going with this? I really hope you’ve read until this far because all this background story is just noise compared to the real point I’m trying to make. This year, despite my battle with mental illness, has been one of the best years of my life, and I can tell you why in five words: Christ is enough for me. Yes, you might have heard the song, but those words have never rung truer in my life. Maybe you’ve walked into a church that told you if you pray enough and if you believe enough, all your problems, physical, mental, financial, will go away. I know for a fact that isn’t true. We live in a really, really messed up, fallen world. We’re riddled with diseases, heartbreak, selfishness, pride, and battles we have to face every day. But one thing I know to be absolutely true is in the face of it all, Christ is enough. This year, learning to lean into the grace of God more and more each day, I discovered the awesome truth that I’m never going to be perfect, and it’s in my imperfections, my depression, my anxiety, that God gets to be glorified. I get to wake up knowing that there is a perfect God who has a plan for me. In the midst of my depression, I don’t feel hopeless anymore, because I know God will use me to reach and empathize with others struggling on a whole other level. When I’m feeling most anxious, my nervous system on fire, not able to sleep because I’m thinking of life and marriage and grad school, I’m also feeling the most peace I’ve ever felt, knowing that God is so much bigger than the battle in front of me. I realized this year, something I spoke about to so many women while in L.A., Mexico, Switzerland and Spain, that the goal was never to be perfect, the goal was never to be illness free. If it happens that I don’t have to deal with depression or anxiety one day, amen! But until then, the healing, peaceful, protective, full power of Christ is enough to carry me through. It’s in my weakness that God can shine, can be given the glory for why I wake up every day with a purpose, a light, and with hope. What I’m trying to say is summarized pretty well in the word of God, as it always is:

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I’m really not that great without Christ. I’m broken, I’m selfish, I fear, I fret, I want complete control. It’s only through knowing, seeking, loving and following Christ that I can live free, in my flawed body and spirit, I can trust in God’s promise that his power will be made perfect in my weakness and I can rest easy knowing God has such an incredible plan for my life.

It’s been on my heart to share this part of me for 3 years now, and I hope someone out there reading this is affected by my words. Maybe you’re dealing with mental illness, and you’ve been scared to open up about it to your family, friends or church. To you, I say that God’s perfection can’t be made whole if we’re too scared to show our weakness. A fundamental element of believing in Jesus is admitting we’re broken, and still believing He is so so good. If you’re someone who doesn’t deal with mental illness (first of all, thank you, Jesus, for that, cause that’s awesome and becoming more and more rare), maybe my words broke down a bit of the stigma around this topic. I hope you exit this page rethinking the way you see things like depression and anxiety. I’m not trying to make a point that we shouldn’t pray for healing in these areas, because I believe God can give us healing, but just as there are people who are bound to wheelchairs, who will never walk again, and who still praise and give glory to God, I believe we should open up about what binds our minds, even if we can never “shake it off” and still praise and give glory to God. We should be looking forward to the day we are united with Him, in our new bodies and mind, but until then allowing ourselves to be made perfect through His perfection, and not through striving for our own.

As a last note, because I know some will worry, through opening up to my family and diving deep with God into the body image issues behind it, I have been able to fight a good fight against my eating disorder, and I’ve been doing much better the last 8 months. My anxiety comes and goes, but that’s something I’ve been able to manage the best, thanks to lots of prayers, some cardio and good old deep breathing techniques! And the depression comes and goes in waves, but I’m no longer hopeless, which is a huge step forward.

I wish everyone reading this the absolute best, and know that I’m always here to talk (as a friend, as someone who’s been there, and as someone who happens to be studying this stuff and knows quite a bit on mental health, not just Jesus, haha). And I'm always open to talk about Christ if this is your first time reading about Jesus in this way. I'm an open book.

Thanks for listening, Anna.

Links

List of listening services in Quebec & Canada

List of suicide prevention lines worldwide

Online, anonymous emotional support

The only thing that really keeps me going