#and also abandonment. because imo that is one of the first Big Negative Emotions he ever felt besides his dreams being crushed lmaoo

[fearandhatred]

i was thinking about this line from my fic:

But the fall had hurt, too. Because the wind had cut into his useless wings like knives, his skin and grace peeling away under the friction, and he had been looking right up at the multicoloured and unreachable expanse of sky just to see it fade from his eyes into dull greys.

and i came up with this. i hope the vision came through

[l-in-the-light]

I'm super glad you enjoyed the posts! It's always such a nice feeling to share an analysis (something I really enjoy to do) and see that it was fun for others as well to discover things alongside me. And I'm so glad you joined my camp about Katakuri and Brulee's special bond :3

You made a lot of good points to extend and deepen the interpretation! Especially pointing out that his thoughts on being defeated the first time were about Brulee in particular. Yosh, I will take this opportunity to share my own extra thoughts as well, because ever since I have written the posts I had a few new insights on both Katakuri and Brulee.

One thought I had only after some time passed, was about Brulee roleplaying an evil witch. She's doing exactly the same thing Katakuri is doing, when you think about it. She tries to look scary and act menacing, just like Katakuri's strategy is to make people fear him. I will venture slightly into my headcanon territory for this paragraph. I assume that even after Katakuri put some sort of distance between himself and his favourite sister, Brulee kept on observing him and wondered why Katakuri changed so much and if that was somehow related to what happened to her (she might have blamed herself). Even after she got her devil fruit she kept on observing him, this time using her sneaky mirror abilities, which were perfect for that and made it easier for her to observe him, and that's how she discovered the truth. She realized that Katakuri is still the same Katakuri deep down inside, enjoying his donuts and sweets, and that must have made her feel so relieved! And then she started to understand that everything he did was just an act. Instead of confronting him about this she decided to show support in different way than before, after all she didn't want it to backfire like the first time! So she started to act menacingly as well, and that scar on her face probably helped quite a lot with that (her nose as well, I imagine). This time her choice was to show silent solidarity with her brother. And that's how she became a witch, to protect their family together with him. They're both good actors imo :D

Something that Oda revealed only in the Vivre Card in the end about Katakuri, is the reason why his mouth is ripped apart like that. He mentioned in the SBS that his mouth wasn't ripped from ear to ear since his birth, but even in his flashback he already has his scar.

This info above collected and translated from Vivre Cards is thanks to Library of Ohara. This is interesting, because originally I thought Katakuri might have gotten his scar by protecting someone (it would come full circle if it was Brulee) or because Big Mom's children got bullied for things she did (kinda Ace-Roger scenario). But no, this reason, as goofy as it sounds, is actually yet another similarity between Katakuri and Luffy! They both overeat, after all. And I have my suspicion that the reason for their eating habits is also the same in both cases. Luffy was basically abandoned in his childhood, Garp was too busy to take care of him regularly, Dragon was absent, we have no idea who or where Luffy's mom was, but we know for sure Luffy didn't even know her. When Luffy meets Ace he says he doesn't mind if Ace beats him up, as long as he doesn't leave him alone, because Luffy hates that the most in the whole world.

Being abandoned can be considered a traumatic experience and one example of a maladaptive behaviour as the result of trauma is eating when feeling anxious, stressed out or experiencing a trigger. In other words, child eats away their negative emotions, because a full stomach makes them feel momentarily happy and safe, which is a feeling they're lacking when parents are absent or neglectful. The downside of it is, one gets addicted to eating to deal with any stressful situations in life, and soon it escalates to the point when they're eating simply all the time, unable to stop, because that's the only way they know how to deal with their emotions. Luffy certainly shows those symptoms and in Whole Cake Island it's really exposed, because Luffy even declares stuff like this:

Since Luffy and Katakuri mirror each other, and act like each other's reflections (they even meet each other when both are facing a similar crisis, Katakuri has to re-experience the same fear from his childhood when he was unable to protect Brulee, Luffy has to face the fear of people dear to him sacrificing themselves for him. If you think about that, isn't it exactly the same fear, just reversed?), I suppose we can assume Katakuri is exactly the same when it comes to food. We know already Big Mom didn't really take care of her children (tbh many of her kids do not seem that fond of her, most of them are kinda scared, and they have pretty good reasons for it), that's why the siblings bonds in her family are so strong: they basically HAD TO take care of each other. Katakuri definitely also felt neglected as a child and he dealt with that by overeating. It's even more visible in his case than in Luffy's, because he really focuses on sugar that is famous for being a mood booster. I can relate to a certain degree, my brain runs solely on sugar. At some point I might write a seperate post about Luffy and his overeating issues and I will for sure mention at least one paragaph about Katakuri there as well.

Brulee accepting Katakuri's eating habits and supporting his pride in himself and self-acceptance of how he looks, feels even more special now. It doesn't matter whether she knows it's a maladaptive behaviour on his part, an unhealthy habit, she accepts it because it's his source of strength to carry on and thinks it's very admirable. Many characters in One Piece turn their suffering and traumas into their source of strength, which is a positive message, even if it doesn't agree with our usual understanding of healing from traumas (which is: hide it, get rid of all the symptoms, anything that hurts your health or doesn't adapt to the norms to acceptable degree needs to be cut off and discarded, even if it helped you survive for decades. Basically erase the trauma like it never existed, like a cold or flu). And yet... Traumas don't truly ever go away, and even tho it's important to develop healthy ways of dealing with it (healthy means ones that don't result in hurting yourself or others), it's also important not to blame a traumatized person for their behaviour. Trauma or maladaptive behaviours that come as a result of it, are never the fault of the person who is traumatized!

Do I enjoy destroying goofiness in One Piece in favour of revealing the darker truths? I guess I do, heh. I feel guilty laughing when Law was actually having his trigger episode, I feel bad laughing at Luffy (and calling him an idiot) for not recognizing Strawhats in Sabaody, while actually they all have valid reasons for their behaviours that aren't their fault. Now you all need to suffer together with me!

Also fun trivia about Brulee's favourite food, also from Vivre cards:

Brulee also loves donuts and I bet you anything it's because they're Katakuri's favourites :D

Prettiness is an important theme indeed in Whole Cake Island. But it's just another take on acceptance, imo. Katakuri fought with people who made fun of him, because despite believing himself that he is fine just the way he is, it's a different matter altogether when others accept you for that as well. After he heard Brulee tell him he is fine the way he is, that was probably more than enough for him, that's why he had no problem hiding his face from now on. Deep down he knows he doesn't need to beat up people to prove his worth anymore, he has someone who accepts him just the way he is, and for that person he will do just about anything.

But how was it for Brulee? We never hear her side of the story. Maybe when Katakuri changed and started to hide his face she thought she isn't accepted for her scar and looks as well? Maybe there was a time when she hated it because it pushed Katakuri away from her and also made him hide his own face as well? And yet she couldn't hate her looks completely, because she knew that scar means a lot to her, it's her proof of love towards her brother. It probably took some time for her to realize the reason behind Katakuri's behaviour and it probably freed her in some way, but it can't exactly erase the self-depreciating thoughts she had before. That takes some time to heal. Also let's not forget that even before she got her scar, she had quite an outstanding nose. She might have felt connected in a way to Katakuri, who also had a feature on his face that is considered "ugly", but he instead wore it like it's his pride. Maybe she wanted to be the same way and that's why she looked up to him. Maybe Katakuri at some point in their childhood told her she is good the way she is as well, which sounds to me exactly like a thing Katakuri could say as a child.

Self-acceptance can have many shades, but it always comes down to finding people who say you're just fine and they become your source of inner strength in a way. So Brulee wearing her scar in the open can be also be seen as her way of returning the favour too; look at me, I wear my scar in the open, you can do it as well. Or even it might be her way of taking the baton, like she is trying to be the source of strength for her brother by not hiding her face. Now she is the rolemodel Katakuri was once for her! Who knows, maybe she passed it down to other members of their family as well. But it doesn't mean she can't still feel unconfident about her appearance, because it's not that easy to overcome her own deeply rooted fear. So she might have meant it when she said she will make Nami ugly by ripping her face too and I don't think it's a contradiction, one doesn't exclude the other, she can still think Katakuri is amazing while being afraid she herself is ugly (appearance is always more important for females than guys). Sanji telling Brulee that compliment in OP Red is again him casually saving female hearts, little bit by little bit.

I might want to delve into Whole Cake Island analysis in the future, so I kept your request in my inbox. I don't know when the post will happen, but I will be sure to tag you when it does. It might take a long, long while though, I have a lot of ideas for posts and I'm currently working on a few already haha.

As for the future development of Whole Cake Island and Katakuri… in Wano they commented a bit on it:

It seems Katakuri is still holding a big esteem in the family, so even if Flampe did what she wanted, it didn't affect him as much as she would want to, heh. Which is great news actually :D or perhaps Brulee caught that little shit and made sure she wouldn't do anything to hurt her dearest brother. She can hear and see everything that happens in the mirror world, so it is likely she took care of her herself.

What I'm most intrigued by is Pudding's situation. There's no way Katakuri would leave her to her own fate. And yet he's still sitting on Whole Cake Island. We know he's a strategist, so maybe he's plotting a come back of some kind? We know how dedicated he is to protecting his siblings, I'm sure he will not just abandon Pudding, Brulee would be sad over it after all. I wonder when will we see development on that!

Through the Looking Glass, and What Luffy&Katakuri Found There (2/2)

Part 2 of my analysis of Luffy and Katakuri's similarities, done on request from @mewiyev. Part one is here, in case you're interested: https://www.tumblr.com/l-in-the-light/763628387804856320 (you can read it in any order you want, but part 1 is meant to be the first chronologically).

To continue from where we left off, to understand Katakuri and his vow and what kind of a person he actually is, we need to do things in reverse. By starting with analyzing his talk with Brulee and his flashback.

Brulee removes the hat from Katakuri's face like it's not a big deal, despite what she just said. And of course she does, because she prefers him when he isn't hiding how he looks.

She seems genuinely more curious than disappointed. Also she came back here because she was worried about him, brought first aid with her as well.

Katakuri on the other hand finally says something he has been keeping a secret from everyone.

Seeing from his reaction, he also kept it a secret from Brulee as well. This is the first time he realizes she already knew. She's also so happy that he's sharing it with her, that *she* doesn't have to pretend not to know as well.

Brulee thinks Katakuri did it for all of them and she's very touched by that. We learn that Katakuri, long time ago, didn't care to make friends, he wouldn't put on appearances or get along with people who make fun of him. He just wanted to be himself, inside and outside, completely transparent. He would always beat up people who made fun of him too.

And then he learned actions come with consequences. "It was my fault it happened to Brulee".

And this is his resolve as the result of it. "I was too soft, too naive!". He decided to be perfect from now on, show no weakness. But let's stop here for a moment. Because how exactly "showing no weakness" or "being perfect" is gonna help prevent similar situations from happening? We can't really reach any conclusion here, unless we go back and ask the question Katakuri himself asked as well: "Why did they go after his sister?"

The answer to that is, surprisingly enough, revealed if we compare Katakuri's flashback to Luffy's. After all, just like accident with Brulee shaped Katakuri, the same way accident with Shanks losing his arm shaped Luffy. There's a clear parallel here so let's look deeper into it.

How did it happen in Luffy's case? Oh, right. Luffy was the one who started the fight with the bandits, because they were talking bad stuff about his friend (Shanks) and he stood up for him. Mountain bandits were just drinking, minding their own business and talking trash about the thing with Shanks that happened the other day. Luffy, who looked up to Shanks, but also just really loved him, couldn't just sit and ignore what he heard.

We're led to believe that the bullies "got revenge" on Brulee, but Katakuri is taken aback. That clearly never happened before. Let's look at what Brulee said after that "Don't worry, it doesn't hurt. If you ask me, you're fine the way you are". No one asked anything about that, why did she say that? We should ask this question and draw a parallel to Luffy. What actually happened was probably Brulee overhearing the kids trashtalking her brother, she told them to take it back, said that Katakuri is fine the way he is and demanded that they apologize to him. Which the kids wouldn't do and some struggle happened, Brulee probably tried to force them to follow her, the situation escalated fast and someone took out a weapon and she got hurt.

She doesn't want Katakuri to know that she got hurt while defending her beloved brother. She didn't want him to worry or blame himself, because she knew Katakuri is actually a gentle kid. So she instead blamed it on the kids, Katakuri can get his revenge and everything will be fine, was probably her reasoning here. But she didn't realize Katakuri figured out the truth. He realized that his attitude of "I don't care what others say about me, I will just beat them up" was naive. That's because he thought it only concerns him. He didn't think it could also affect people he actually cares about. Not only because of the potential revenge, but them trying to defend him as well.

In world of One Piece (but often in our world as well), when you love someone you don't want to hear others say trash about them, you know you need to defend them, take their side. By doing that, you can often endanger yourself to violent situations like this. The only way to prevent this from happening is to reduce reasons for others to try picking fights with you, so people are too scared to badmouth you, and also eliminate all possible reasons why they would make fun of you (in Katakuri's case: covering his face serves that purpose. If they can't see his mouth or witness him eating, they can't laugh. And as the consequence no one needs to defend him and get hurt in the process!).

The same can be said for Luffy, btw. Luffy understands why Katakuri hides his face and what he's trying to protect by doing that. And he approves. Because Luffy is the same. When Shanks saved Luffy, Luffy also blamed himself, just like Katakuri did. Katakuri decided to hide his true nature as the result, from everyone. Never showing his weaknesses, vulnerability, not even his own emotions (enjoyment of eating, for example). Luffy also vowed to himself that he won't show weakness again, won't ask anyone for help, basically won't make the same mistake he did before.

Except it happened again and that wound is still quite fresh in Luffy's mind. In Dressrosa Law, Luffy's dear friend, almost lost an arm because of Luffy's actions. The result wasn't that drastic, because they could still restore Law's arm, but it defnitely gave Luffy quite a scare. Who knows what answer would Luffy reach if he didn't meet Katakuri? What kind of vow would he make to himself to make sure nothing like that ever happens again?

Maybe the very same vow Katakuri once made. "Show no weakness. Make them fear my perfection!" so that no one has to risk their wellbeing for Luffy ever again. Seems Luffy reached a different conclusion in the end and even convinced Katakuri that This Is Not The Way. Do what you have to do to make sure things don't become like that again, but don't close yourself up to the people who are actually dear to you. Everyone deserves a safe haven. First thing Katakuri did after the fight was to tell Brulee the truth (and probably only to her).

You can’t change the past, but you might learn something from it, says Alice from Through the Looking Glass.

The only way to achieve the impossible is to believe it is possible. Is another lesson Luffy relearned in WCI.

And Luffy rediscovered the old truth: there are some things he can't do (like cooking, navigation, fighting with swords etc.), but there is one thing he can do: beating up the biggest threats and fighting seriously. Luffy started the arc and went through it trying to do things in different ways than usually, but only realized that he still sucks at them and can't do them no matter how he tries. (I wrote more about that in this post: https://www.tumblr.com/l-in-the-light/762470814037819392, you don't have to read other posts in the series to read that one).

By the end of the arc Luffy accepts again that he has to rely on others. It feels like nothing really changed after Whole Cake Island, Luffy is still the old Luffy. But sometimes reaffirming who we are is as important as making big changes and decisions. Luffy faces a lot of anxieties about growing up in this arc, just like Alice from Through the Looking Glass does. Both of them start to understand the rules of the "adult" world, are confused by them and proceed blindly through as they learn by making mistakes. And both of them walk out of this experience without dramatically changing themselves. The change will come inevitably either way, no one can avoid growing up, all they can do is to watch it do it's thing in due time, while trying to stay themselves.

Nothing happened, but at the same time, so much happened. Not many are strong enough to keep on being themselves despite hitting the magical adulthood's treshold, right? We try to adjust ourselves to fit other people, like Katakuri did his whole life. He became a people pleaser, thinking that keeping appearances is more important than who he actually is. But he actually doesn't have to be perfect, he can allow himself to fall flat on his back, and it won't mean he broke his vow to protect his siblings. He will still hide his face though to prevent people who care for him from getting hurt for his sake. But he realized that he can prevent it without hiding himself from everyone. He will for sure no longer try to hide from Brulee. She's his new safe haven, where he can act openly like himself, he doesn't need to be perfect for her. I wonder if Luffy will eventually find his safe haven too? Because we all know not all Luffy's smiles are genuine, often he smiles just to make others stop worrying.

Let's go back to Brulee for a moment. She is kinda coded to be Katakuri's most important person, according to my own theory of pirates and their treasures. They both have matching marks on their faces, Katakuri has his mouth ripped from ear to ear, Brulee's scar literally rips her face in half. He hides his mark, Brulee wears hers proudly without trying to hide it, like she is fond of it. And of course she would be, if she earned it defending her most favourite brother in the world, right? One Piece Red shows us beautifully who is her most beloved person, when Nami lures her out of the mirror by saying "you will be stuck here forever if you won't help us, and you will never see your family again!" and Brulee appears, crying "Even my older brother Katakuri??" and upon getting affirmation Brulee decides to help them.

Actually, seeing Whole Cake Island through the lens of this theory significantly changes motivations of Brulee and Katakuri, so let's take a closer look, shall we?

The very moment it's revealed that Brulee was made into unwilling accomplice, Katakuri declares that "there's no way to stop things" anymore. He won't let it slide, after all. He can't let it slide, even. He's the perfect brother meant to protect everyone.

"I'm the victim here, brother!". Big Mom wouldn't care for that excuse. Many times through the arc other characters and Brulee herself mentioned that if Big Mom finds out, Brulee will end up dead. That's why Opera lied (which ended up working in Luffy's advantage too), to save himself from punishment. The said punishment is clearly hinted to be most likely death.

This puts Katakuri in a tough spot. He should punish Brulee or allow others to do it. What he does instead though, is keeping her close to himself at all times.

He takes her to the Sunny with him, he fights Luffy in the mirror world, and I think it's all because he wants to keep an eye so that no one tries to execute punishment on her. He's also making sure it looks like she's making amends for her blunder, which might or might not help. The bottom line here is: he's protecting her by bringing her with him everywhere.

Also that motivation he shares here? "Strawhat Luffy needs to be snuffed out now"? A big fat lie. You can see that Katakuri's eyes are shaded (in One Piece that often means that a character isn't completely honest!). His true motivation is getting revenge on Luffy for manhandling his sister. That's why he waits on Sunny for Luffy to arrive, that's why he tells others to retreat. This fight is personal for Katakuri, it's payback. Would he do the same for any other sibling? Maybe yes, maybe not, but I think Brulee is Katakuri's most beloved person in the world and he would do just about anything for her.

But, you might say, Katakuri cares for all the siblings, he's the perfect brother! Yes, he does. But that doesn't mean he can't have one special sibling he cares about the most, right?

Both Katakuri and Brulee care for their family a lot. Their care is reflected in each other like a mirror image.

And just look how fond he is of her. He's teasing her that she's just gonna sleep all day (is that something that actually happens often, because it sure sounds this way). She's kinda out of the loop here, but he doesn't even acknowledge this because he doesn't have to. He knows Brulee is one tough cookie. We also know that thanks to the flashback. And of course the person who would defend Katakuri like that would become His Most Favourite Person in the world.

Brulee is also always observing Katakuri in this fight. She's worried, but she won't assist him, she knows better than to interefere in his fights. And it's not because she is afraid of punishment or Katakuri disliking her. Oh, if his life was truly in danger, she would easily have done that, she has the guts. She doesn't act just because she doesn't want her brother to suffer the consequences. Let's look at things from her perspective. Once upon a time she defended her brother and got hurt as the result. That was the last time Katakuri showed his face, despite the fact that Brulee loved his face and told him as much. She probably reached conclusion that the change in him is Brulee's fault, she wanted well but caused him pain instead that he doesn't want to experience again. She doesn't want a repeat of that so she doesn't try to interfere anymore.

They both act this way. One is protecting the other by withholding and pretending. Brulee knows Katakuri didn't truly change, thanks to her devil fruit's ability she can peek at him anytime she wants, but she won't call him out on his lie and will play along. They both play the pretend game, which reminds me of polish novella "The Waistcoat", in which wife and husband keep on lying to each other to spare their beloved one pain and ligthen the burden.

"I will pretend to believe your lie and will play along with it, to help you and to keep your spirit up!", is what Brulee is truly doing here.

Also Brulee isn't so weak, and yet she fails to fight Luffy and his crew properly, mostly just trying to sabotage him indirectly. Why? Because he probably reminds her of Katakuri. In One Piece it's a reccuring theme, when one of the characters can't fight someone that reminds them of a dear person or some impostor pretending to be them. Brulee in that frame above almost sounds *worried* for Luffy or unusually interested in him (though she also just wanted to lure him out, not gonna deny that).

Katakuri changed his attitude in that fight after Luffy's return. He realized probably that Luffy would never harm Brulee and he might be grateful for that, and his initial anger for them misusing her kinda dissipated.

On the contrary, suddenly Katakuri seems like he's trying to teach Luffy how to fight, getting disappointed in him when he doesn't deliver. At first he wanted to defeat Luffy in fastest way possible:

It's clear Katakuri's motivation changed in the middle of this battle.

Till it finally reaches this point. What is actually going on inside Katakuri's head? At first, he wants to make up for the blunder of Brulee. He's monitoring the situation outside the mirror world closely. He knows that if they get the Strawhats, Brulee's blunder will get forgotten and he will deliver his revenge at the same time, just like he wanted.

After he realized that Luffy won't hurt Brulee, he decided for another way out of this situation. If they all lose to the Strawhats, Big Mom would have to punish all her children, which she won't do. So if Katakuri loses to Luffy, he will save his face and protect Brulee from punishment at the same time (her blunder wouldn't stand out anymore if they all lose!). That's why he takes the loss against Luffy despite being stronger than him. All of Luffy's last punches miss him while every single one of Katakuri's is landing. Katakuri easily accepts the limit of Luffy's current strength. That's also why he asks him to come again (once he's stronger, too), so they can have a rematch, without the "losing face" shanenigans coming in the way. He allows himself to voice his wish to fight someone strong, just because he wants to fight him in an even fight, not doing it for his family or for keeping appearances.

Just look at this. He's anticipating Luffy "doing the unthinkable". It's like he wants to see it, despite claiming he should probably eliminate him before that happens. In the middle of the fight, with his resentment gone, he started to kinda root for Luffy, he wants to see how far he can take his observation haki in such a short amount of time.

And Katakuri is actually a strategist, we can see that when he tries to manage the situation at the tea party/wedding. Trying to prevent the biggest disaster scenarios, telling his other brothers to assemble two squads to go after Bege and Strawhats while he himself goes to the final goal and waits, so their targets get surrounded from all sides. Even standing guard at the entrance to the tea party proves that he chose the most strategic position to avoid any bad things and twists happening:

He sales it as his haki's premonition, but he truly doesn't need that to know what this guy is planning. He knows Big Mom and her usual modus operandi (and we know it too thanks to explanation from Pekoms), anyone who refuses to attend the tea party (no matter the reasons) will receive a special "gift" - a severed head of someone close to them. Katakuri claims it's his haki at play here just to instill fear and so no one questions him. He strategizes his strong points for maximum impact, and it works fantastically well.

Brulee claims she won't forgive Luffy for hurting Katakuri, even though she knows already that Katakuri is very fond of him. Katakuri doesn't even answer, because what could he say? He did everything there for her and he's still not gonna admit that openly. Brulee doesn't need to see the future to guess Katakuri's reaction either, she knows him so well she doesn't even need that ability. That alone proves she's his favourite sister, imo.

Also, here's a thought. Katakuri might have also realized that Brulee was unusually fond of Strawhat Luffy through this arc, definitely going easy on him. Heh, indeed.

Fun food for thought: Luffy probably wanted to master observation haki just so nothing bad ever happens to someone dear to him on his watch, without him knowing. I bet you anything that's why Katakuri ended up mastering his observation haki too, so the tragedy never repeats again and so he would have a chance to prevent it if it ever does anyway.

This marks the end of my meta on Katakuri :) This one is sooo long. Whoever lasted to the end of it, I hope you enjoyed!

There's more Katakuri and less Luffy here, mostly because I already did the full analysis on Luffy in Whole Cake Island here: https://www.tumblr.com/l-in-the-light/762470814037819392

[wisteria-lodge]

burnt snake primary + bird secondary [model?]

Hi! I have been aware of the Sorting system for a long time now but I always get stuck in typing myself. I was wondring if you could shed some light on the process.

If we go by what I score at the test, it's usually a tie between Snake and Lion primary (most likely Bird last) and Bird/Badger secondary (most likely Lion last).

Internal primary / Built secondary, I can work with that. 

If we go by the "favorite characters" test then most of them are Snake primary and/or Bird secondary. I also have found that Lion doesn't exactly mess well with me, most character with a Lion anything get on my nerves but that's not a constant.

Fictional lions can be exaggerated in a way that works as a power fantasy for real lions... but I’m mostly just interested to see if the ‘favorite character’ test works out. 

I've also come to realise in real life that i absolutely hate deception or betrayal especially if it comes from someone I trust/close to me. 

I mean... is there anyone who is like ‘yes, I’m totally cool with people I trust betraying me.’ 

I also have an issue with loyalty and honesty both so I can understand why Snake/Lion is tied for my primary. My issue with Snakes is that I don't think I have this "no matter what" support. I bond with people a lot but if they don't treat me right I will push back, I will cry, I will tell them off 

Snakes might have more trouble than Lions when it comes to breaking with people who mistreat them... and they might feel more conflicted and “sticky” afterwards, since being loyal to people is the base of their morality. But they will absolutely do it. 

Think about a Lion changing their mind versus a Bird changing their mind. They both *do* it, but since a Bird has access to all the levels of their system, it’s all very consciously constructed, and they’re used to poking at it - change isn’t usually *that* big of a deal.

But I’m a Lion. If I’m going to change my mind, I need to smacked over my head with the lesson, usually multiple times (although I’m getting better about that...) I’m going to have a mini existential crisis (those things clear out the cobwebs.) And then I’ll be emotionally recalibrated.��Snakes are internal primaries just like Lion, so their process is more like that. Dropping people is hard and emotional and sticky, but when they are dropped they are dropped. Badgers, since their *reasons* for whether or not they are responsible for someone are much clearer and more accessible, have an easier time writing people off. 

if I don't get the level of intense I'm looking for I will translate that as "not caring enough" and I'll break up or if that's not possible for whatever reason i'll be miserable.

You certainly want to get Snake loyalty directed at you, and if you don’t get it, you’re miserable. And the fact that something like that would make you miserable... is making me think Snake. This is very Snake-flavored angst.

A huge sourse of pain in my life had been some things that happened with my father that I translated as him probably loving himself more than me. I always see that Snakes stay loyal to their close ones no matter what and I'm like: why would I stay unwavering to someone that hurts me? 

You wouldn’t. You shouldn’t. No one should. 

I didn't abandon my dad when he was sick but I'm pretty sure I was Burned and resnting him 24/7 (sorry for the heavy stuff).

Being a caregiver is INCREDIBLY hard (there’s a reason you can hire people to do it, and they’re payed so well.) Being a caregiver to a family member is even harder, and being a caregiver to a family member who’s hurt you is probably one of the hardest things a human being can do. It’s really, really not unusual at all to resent the sick person, and you should not feel guilty about it. 

You also mention that Snakes understand other Snakes when they put their loved ones first and maybe in real life I do it but I have a huge example of me watching a Snake primary character not cutting off his love interest when she was awful to him from my perspective (emotional manipulation, choosing others before him, rejecting him, generally not loving him) and being LIVID about it.

I guess what I would say to you... is that even though the other primaries show their love differently, it does not mean they love any less intensely. A Badger choosing someone in need instead of you does not mean they are *not* loving you. 

Generally I tend to prefer couples that have things in common and two Snake primaries together will most likely be my favorites, most of my ships are like that.

There is something very attractive about two Snakes in a relationship together, but remember that all these different primaries and secondaries do balance each other out. I tend to think that *exact* house matches make unfortunate romantic pairings. They re-enforce each other’s negative traits, get too extreme, and sometimes get stuck because they’ve only got the one way to approach, and solve a problem. 

I have been very adamant about my friends not giving manipulative people the 'get go' to do whatever they want with them because I can see the indiference and the manipulation. 

Manipulation is a problem solving strategy, indifference is a motive. They’re not the same thing.

I get mad when they don't listen to me eventhough I turn out to be right. Most of the times I have cut off people from my life is the reason I said preiously, that I don't think they give as much support as I do to them and they end up after a point on my "I don't need you in my life anymore" list.

I’m starting to think you’re a Burnt Snake. You are clearly Snake, and you want to distribute Snake loyalty to the people around you. But it doesn’t feel safe (probably because of baggage left over from your dad - he hurt you, so you’re scared that they will too.) So you’re hyper sensitive to anything that doesn’t feel like the most extreme devotion. And just like a Burnt Badger rejecting people preemptively, before they have a chance to fail them... you’re rejecting people because it hurts less than them rejecting you. 

I think Lion gets up high because I can understand the need for following a 'cause' but in my case it's not exactly a moral cause, it's simply that I always wanted to be an actress and generally expand my knowledge on cinema/TV/theatre so I studied it. I wanted to be succesful in my job and get better and better and better. I am interested in prizes but only if they come as a recognition of my skillset (if that makes sense). I always thought that people were my priority even though the goal of achieving my dreams was always guiding me but as I grow older I'm not so sure anymore. I just know I couldn't be walking through life all alone.

This sounds like a Snake with no people (who wants people.) Without people, Snakes take care of themselves, and that often look likes job, money, prizes. (It’s where the old stereotype of “ambitious” comes from.) 

When I was thinking about what I wanted to do for a living, I wanted something that would wake me up in the mornings and make me feel that my time at a job won't be wasted. 

As do we all.

But I also needed for everything to be a real job, not charity for the "cause" eventhough I have worked A LOT just because I love doing some things and not ony to get paid. But I guess these things are fueled by my love and I don't see them as "profession" per se. 

People? Until in we live in the Star Trek socialist utopia, you need to be paid for the work you do. Even if you’re working for a charity and even if you’re doing something you love. 

Another pointer towards Lion is that I do identify with the thinking of systems and how they play a part in people's lives and how they should be changed. But I'm not sure I always did this. I think I've been Burned as well at some point (not sure if I still am) so that makes things difficult.

Yeah, you’re Burned. And sometimes Burnt Snakes will latch onto a Lion Cause, the same way that Burnt Lions will latch onto an individual’s morality. That’s actually pretty common.

The secondary thing is pretty simple imo, I think I'm a Bird but I might be Burned? I don't know if that "useful/fun" situation makes a difference for me because I always think that whatever I have collected is actually useful to me and if I got new skills, they would be useful to me as well at some point.

I don't know what else to write really, I think it's quite a lot to read already. If you have an inclination about my type I'd like to hear your opinion.

You haven’t talked at all about how you solve problems. Which might relate to burning, or it might not. But if you tend to collect skills and tools, that’s at least a Bird secondary model. <3

[fantastic-rambles]

I just watched ep. 11 (so SPOILERS) and am now praying that Tadashi isn’t as stupid as he seems and has some super secret plan in the works bc the path he’s going down will clearly do the opposite of help Adam. He literally used the right equation, but got the wrong answer 😑 He said “Oh abandonment + isolation issues?? Lemme just abandon our shared endeavor (again) so that you rely upon only one person who dislikes you and doesn’t give two shits about you beyond your skating skill 😃” Ah yes how lovely that’ll work out. I’d never blame Tadashi for all of Adam’s issues but why does he keep dropping the ball?? Please sir, I beg you to consider showing a crumb of emotion/commitment so that Adam knows you care and will be less of a hilariously terrifying menace. The change in the end credit sequence gives me a little bit of hope that Tadashi will figure out how to be there for Adam the right way (caring about his person more than his image). Honestly surprised how much content we got on Tadashi and Adam. Highlighting their relationship and how much Tadashi wants to help Adam, makes Adam falling so low in this episode much sadder. The parallels between them and Renga hurt so bad. And the way they explicitly explained one of them to us for the ppl who think Tadashi does/should hate Adam 😶. I was honestly hoping for more chronologically clear backstory, but I’m still surprised by how focused this ep was on them and seeing the contrast between them as blushing little kids to now.

And I know you said you see Tadashi as closest to the God figure with the references. But look how the race with Reki (apple) further corrupted Adam, but provided a moment of enlightenment to Tadashi (snake [og Eve? Lilith?]). While the Snake brought the apple to the garden, wasn’t it also Eve who gave into it? Idk I’m starting to feel like Tadashi is misnomered bc of the backstory and how he has no malicious intent in taking him down. And even though Lilith is known for not being subservient to Adam, in a way Tadashi fits by hurting the relationship when making the one big stand siding with Adam’s father (possibly the devil in Adam’s POV) and what Adam would probably consider to be the sin (giving up skateboarding). This is kind of confusing bc I definitely think that Adam sees losing skating as the ‘sin’. But Tadashi views skating as the ‘sin’. So while Tadashi sees himself as the snake (fundamentally lower and a negative influence) Adam could have seen him as a Lilith (With him in the garden first and equal with him until he fell [down into his subservient role]). I think this ep highlights that bc of Tadashi’s contrasting teacher and servant roles, when in childhood they were somewhat equal. I think the only way Tadashi truly falls into the ‘God’ role is if he really does go through with forfeiting and basically offers up Langa (Eve) to Adam. (Btw I have virtually 0 bible knowledge so I am very under qualified to be making these inferences lmao)

I was so worried when it seemed Reki was gonna win bc it would’ve seemed so unrealistic to me. I totally blocked out that outcome until he did the cliff jump and I got nervous lol. I do like that the reason Reki pulled ahead and the reason he lost are the same thing. Reki does have a unique strength of innovation with boards but it doesn’t automatically get him to the levels of those more skilled.

Also very happy about the 🍵🌸 moment of Joe not even arguing about pushing Cherry. Did Cherry purposefully not use his Carla wheelchair just so Joe would have to help him?? I guess we’ll never know. Also Joe’s face watching Cherry laugh at Adam (I think showing Cherry moving on from his admiration of him). Idc what anyone says, Joe is totally pining for Cherry and it’s so sweet.

Oh and!! The investigation is doing a raid?! Jail for Adam ig bc there’s no way they’ll include that as a plot point for everything to come back clean. (And if Tadashi takes the fall not just bc the order but bc he actually thinks that what best, I will never forgive his dumbass 😤 Adam probably wouldn’t even function without Tadashi anyways since he takes care of so much)

I don’t remember if I mentioned it to you or someone else, but I didn’t think Adam would end up ultimately skating against Tadashi because their relationship is irreparably broken (at least right now), so Adam isn’t willing to listen to anything Tadashi has to say and wouldn’t really be able to learn anything if they raced since the only thing he seems to feel towards Tadashi is resentment: long-term resentment from when he was younger, and a stronger sense of it now after Tadashi tried to use it to force him to quit. So Tadashi forfeiting and giving the race to Langa makes sense to me in terms of Tadashi realizing that he really screwed up and that the only person who can really save Adam at this point/revive his “pure” love for skating is Langa, because Langa’s the only person Adam considers an equal. Because if Adam can return to that state of “innocence,” then he could simply enjoy skating for the sake of skating, and he would be able to skate with anyone regardless of their skill level, rather than needing someone at his level. In other words, he would no longer need an Eve, a perfect partner just for him.

And I will never say no to more Adam backstory. Even though it didn’t really show us anything especially novel. xD

Uh. So... I’ve got even less Biblical knowledge than you, lol. I have no idea who Lilith is and what she does. -goes off to do some research-

Okay, so based on The Alphabet of Ben-Sira, I personally don’t think that Tadashi is Lilith, since he clearly is considered inferior to Adam by pretty much everyone, including himself. Between Eve and Lilith, he strikes me as more Eve. The incident with Adam’s father (glad to know that he’s actually dead, lol) was also him taking a passive/subservient role to his “master.” And even as a child, he understood that he wasn’t Adam’s equal, even though he taught Adam how to skate. Again, in terms of skill, yeah, they’re on the same level, but socially, they weren’t/aren’t. So to me, Langa actually fits the idea of Lilith better, because Adam does see him as an equal, and Adam will most likely end up losing to Langa, who would refuse to “lie below” Adam, and who rejects Adam and runs away (with Reki). But yeah, Tadashi literally giving Langa to Adam (whether Langa is “Eve” or “Lilith”) definitely reinforces my Tadashi as God thoughts. (Though again, with a duality of also being Eve, at least originally.) xD

Absolutely agree regarding the really close result of Adam/Reki. Yeah, there’s an explanation for why Reki could get ahead of Adam (and Adam’s got a longboard, which has less maneuverability), but even with those taken into account (and Adam’s really weird/kinda OOC imo moment of self-doubt), I still don’t think it should have ended up as a photo finish given their vast difference in skill level. If Adam can catch up even after giving Reki a half-course head start under normal conditions, there’s no reason for him to not be able to easily beat Reki, even after taking everything into consideration, other than protagonist plot armor/drama. Though my dislike of Reki is also lessening (thankfully) now, regardless. Like, Reki isn’t a bad kid. I get that. I just found him to be super obnoxious and toxic in a typical teen way. ^^;

I was pretty sure Reki wouldn’t win, but I was annoyed that he lost by such a small margin, because yeah, that seems unrealistic.

Cherry absolutely ditched Carla to make Joe push him around. <3

But yeah, Adam is absolutely getting in trouble and more than likely going to jail. I’m still holding out hope that he’ll have an epiphany and turn himself in rather than make Tadashi take the fall, but I’d be equally happy if he just continued spiraling into madness. Either way, his character development would be fantastic. xD

[thespaceace124]

Tv shows I watched this year, my favorite character from each, and why I like each character.

Since my past few posts about Fandom/TV shows have been kinda negative/ criticism, to end off the year, I wanted to make a few posts about things that I like in media. So today we’ll be taking a look at all the shows I watched/finished this year and my favorite characters from each.

Space Force: Captain Angela Ali. Its been a hot minute since I watched Space force, but iirc she’s just… done like 99% of the time with all of her superiors, but in the ten episodes we get, we see some fun little character moments from her. Like in the war games episode where she has to grapple with being an amazing book student, but has a hard time applying some of the stuff she learned at the military academy in a “combat” situation and has to sort of learn and take the lead from one of her “underlings” who is better in that sort of situation. Also, the bonding moments she has with Chan, like when they’re on the road trip, and when she asks him for help learning some science stuff so she can be more useful on missions and stuff. (again, its been a while since I’ve watched this one so my memory of it is a little foggy)

Stargate SG-1: Colonel Jack O’Neill. I like the tope he falls into of the very surface level sort of gruff military man, doesn’t like talking about his feelings, makes smart ass remarks, asks people who talk to much to get to the point, he’s a very fun character, and adds a lot of fun lightheartedness to the show and is generally enjoyable to have on screen. Also tends to get the most character development, at least regarding his past and sort of why the way that he is. (I would say Teal’c gets the second most), also the reason I got into stargate, as my dad showed me a compilation of him being a smart ass and I was like “oh ho ho, I gotta see more of this guy”

Doctor Who (specifically seasons 11 and 12): The Doctor. I like this version of the Doctor, I like that she a little more lighthearted chaotic as opposed to the previous Doctor, who I would describe as dark chaotic, (at least in s11) and just very fun to be around and watch on screen. Also, I think that the rest of the fam is a little bit underdeveloped? Like, we got a lot of fun stuff for Ryan and Graham in the premier with them being a part of a family unit and then at the end of the season we got a nice little scene of them bonding and Ryan calling him grandad and then in s12 there’s like none of that??? And with Yaz we get that she’s kinda got the usual female companion backstory (not a big fan of her job, not happy living with her family, wants *More* out of life) and then we learn that she got bullied as a kid, and at one point she tried to run away, but a kindhearted cop and her sister??? Managed to keep her in Sheffield. So, I feel a little bit like the doctor is my favorite as a default just because we already know the doctors story, so we’ve just pasted a new personality onto a familiar character.

Deep Space Nine (started 2019): Major Kira Nerys. Straight up the reason this character is my favorite is because my dad said I remind him of her and that makes me feel nice. Also, Nana Visitor is very pretty. Also I like that she takes 0 shit from anyone, including Sisko, but we also get to see her learn and grow  from “I will always voice my disagreement no matter what” to “There is a time and a place to object” and also a little bit of learning that sometimes you have to work with people who’ve hurt you and sometimes that sucks. Anyway, she’s a grade A badass and I love her.

Voyager (started 2019): Captain Kathryn Janeway. Like my reasons for Kira, I think Janeway is a badass, and that Kate Mulgrew is very pretty. But also, I think Janeway is a badass in a different way than Kira is, simply because their characters are in very different situations. But I think Janeway is portrayed to be handling things extremely well, and doing what needs be done, obviously that wasn’t super looked at as they did want to keep the tone of voyager relatively light, but anyway, I like Janeway because she’s someone to look up to, to want to incorporate traits of into your own behavior.

Picard: Rafaella “Raffi” Musiker. I like Raffi because she is one of the most consistent characters in Picard. See imo Picard suffers from having too much on its plate, and also it drops/ abandons too many characters. With a show that has only 10 episodes, especially in a first season, you can’t do that. So, with Raffi being in the majority of the episodes, with consistent characterization that makes sense, and working as someone who can actually keep Picard in check? That’s the best character in the show. Also, I think of actors not seen in Star Trek before, she’s one of the better ones and that makes her better.

Lower Decks: Ensign Beckett Mariner. I love a chaotic smartass. Also, for as much as I love LD being a relatively slice of life comedy, I love that Mariner got a ton of characterization in the last few episodes, especially exploring her relationship with her mom, and people who knew her at the academy. She’s super fun, I love how she’s almost always dunking on Boimler, but also really cares for him and doesn’t want to see him hurt. Again, she’s just super fun to see on screen, I love that she doesn’t really like authority figures, and is content to figure herself out while being a relatively low-ranking officer. I like Mariner because she is both sure of herself, but not totally sure what she wants to do with her career, which is something that Star Trek has never explored before, and I think its super interesting.

Discovery: Commander Michael Burnham. I think a trend with a lot of the characters on this list is that I personally find them cool and/or pretty, and once again that also applies to Michael here, but also, I like her because Michael as a concept is fascinating. Like the idea of being a child who goes through a trauma and then is immediately whisked away to a place where she can’t actually process it? And then as a result grows up emotionally constipated and only in her 30s, is sort of finally able to shed that and actually learn how to be healthy with her emotions? Absolutely fascinating, I love that. I also love that we can kind of see that her upbringing and the suppression of emotions as a child still effects the choices that she’s made to this day. Its super cool, and I think one of the best parts of discovery.

Ratched: Nurse Mildred Ratched. I don’t have anything really important to say here, I just tend to like the main characters of tv shows because by default they get the most development/ back story or whatever, and honestly this is one of those shows that I enjoyed enough to watch all ten episodes, and then never picked it up again, so. Ehhh

Dexter: Dexter Morgan. I like Dexter Morgan because he’s a man who has always been told he doesn’t have emotions, but as the show goes on you can totally see that he does have emotions, he just doesn’t know how to handle them, and that they don’t present themselves in the same way that “normal” people’s do. Like, I fully believe that Dexter did actually love Rita, Harry jr., Deb, and Hannah. But I also believe he didn’t fully know how to cope with those emotions, because instead of getting his son help Harry Morgan decided to turn his son into a killing machine, which was a Choice.

Hannibal: Will Graham. I liked watching him kinda fall into Hannibal’s co-dependency trap. Character regression baybee. But like, that’s what happens, I’m pretty sure at one point they both admit that they aren’t healthy for each other, but they also cant live w/o each other. Which is not a dynamic I personally had seen delved into in media before I watched this show. I just think he’s neat.

ATLA: Toph Beifong. I like Toph because I think she provides a nice foil to Aang, whilst also not going too far into the opposite direction. She’s decisive, she knows for the most part what she wants from this adventure, and mostly how to go about getting it, while also discovering a new family along the way. I also just like the way that she can and will throw a boulder at you if she thinks you deserve it.

Chilling Adventures of Sabrina: Sabrina Spellman. Again, sort of falling into the “I tend to like the main character by default folder” It’s also been a hot minute since I watched this show, so I’m just gonna say that I like Sabrina because she is always the one getting her own self into trouble by being Different. And while I’m not saying that it is always good to conform and do what is expected of you, all of the issues in the show are caused by Sabrina (for the most part). Season one is all about shit falling apart if she doesn’t sign the book, season two is her shaking things up at the witch academy and also not wanting to be the princess of hell (understandable, but again, still her fault) and the whole plot of season 3 is the fallout of her imprisoning the devil and then also being too cocky with the guy made of clay. She’s far too cocky, and I think that’s super funny in regards to how it gets her into situations she’s not really prepared for.

The Coroner (BBC): Beth Kennedy. I watched this show with my stepmom, and in this show, Beth tends to be the one who lightens the mood a lot, so she’s my favorite character b/c of that.

[soncfseed]

REPOSTED FROM MY OLD BLOG: Probably my most important headcanon, so please take the time to read this!!

spoilers ahead, but im gonna look at ethans cutscenes and talk about how his bpd (borderline personality disorder) affects his actions and his perceptions throughout the story of new dawn. this is all just headcanon and my interpretation of ethan and how bpd would affect him. none of this is meant to excuse his more nefarious actions, but explain why my interpretation of ethan doesnt pin him as a selfish, horrible, awful monster, but rather a young man with a lot of unresolved trauma and a serious mental health condition who ended up making some terrible choices that resulted in a lot of pain for a lot of people.

0:05 - ethan’s introduction

in this scene ethan experiences some pretty quick and dramatic mood shifts, and has a pretty significant emotional outburst. these are characteristic of the mood swings and emotional dis-regulation experienced by many people with bpd. he starts off catching the captain off guard, sneaking up behind them. ethan has been taught to distrust outsiders, and a symptom of bpd he experiences is suspicion of others and sometimes brief bouts of paranoia. this kind of behaviour makes sense when this is taken into context.

he says that he might not be what the captain expects. this is part of his low self esteem and struggles with his self image and how others perceive him. he constantly feels as though he can never truly be his own person, outside of joseph seed, and that his existence is a disappointment to those who know him.

once he sees the book, he is triggered into a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. acknowledging that the deputy is the one who found the book, and according to joseph’s prophecy will be the true ruler of new eden, is what sets him off. once ethan goes into his rant about it should’ve been him, he’s experiencing a mood swing and sudden spike in his anger and irritability. due to his issues w emotional regulation and control over his expressions of emotion, ethan lashes out by screaming and knocking over the podium in the church. mood swings for bpd sufferers can be only minutes long. what pulls ethan back down to earth a bit is a sudden rush when he realizes he can work with the captain to enlighten new eden to the truth: that joseph is a man, not a messiah, and kind of a shitty one at that who abandoned them all.

3:50 - ethan’s first speech in new eden

ethan’s posturing here is just that; posturing. he’s putting on a bit of a show with the “non believer” bit. he does, however, not entirely trust outsiders nor would he trust that the people of new eden wouldn’t turn on him if he suggested that the captain go north. no, instead he plays off of what he expects the people will do to avoid potential rejection or rebellion. this plays off of his mistrust and suspicion of others, as well as serves to protect his secret interests (getting proof that joseph is dead to get new eden to move on from him) and his ego (tied to the bpd symptom of self image issues and unstable self realization).

ethan can’t help but be a bit sarcastic with “we are all his children”. sarcasm and unwarranted aloofness can tie into bpd, and here it definitely does due to his poor relationship with his father, and with the rumours surrounding his paternity in new eden.

while bpd does not inherently make people manipulative, manipulation of others is often something those with bpd adopt as a coping mechanism to manage their unstable relationships or unstable self image. ethan has adopted this trait in some ways and this is definitely one of them. he does not trust the people of new eden, and knows they wont listen to him fully. this is his main motivator for keeping his plan secret.

the fact that ethan feels he has to act a certain way when he’s the leader of new eden further contributes to his unstable self realization. he puts on different fronts to different people to try and both please them and protect himself.

when he says “they will at last understand that i am their prophet…”, this is in part because he feels he’s worked hard to be the inheritor of new eden. he’s not only joseph’s son (and even if he doesn’t like joseph he wants to be recognized as his biological son, making the rumours about his paternity even more hurtful) but he’s been a successful leader as far as we can tell. to think he will lose it all over a book is damn near panic inducing for ethan. well this is in part a kind of arrogance, it’s fueled by his extreme emotions/mood swings as well as how closely he ties his identity to his position within his community. because his self image is so unstable, threats to that cause him to act in ways that may seem irrational or extreme in order to try and protect his self image. also, ethan will only help the captain in exchange for something in part bc of his suspicion of others. he doesn’t want to offer new eden’s archers and resources without knowing that he will benefit in return. after all, if something goes wrong in new eden bc of this outsider and he allowed it, it’s his responsibility to take the blame and fix it.

5:20 - into the bliss

theres not much in this scene to tie to his bpd. one line i think is important though: “bring me proof of my fathers death and i will make sure you are remembered as a friend of the prophet”. well this can be interpreted as ethan saying to kill joseph, i dont think he is. ethan believes joseph is long gone, that he could never survive all alone for this long. ethan isn’t evil, he’s not asking someone to commit murder, he’s asking them to confirm that someone is already dead. sure, he’s self serving and he wants something in return for his allyship, but to him this is how he can ensure a fair trade, and that an outsider won’t take advantage of him or new eden as easily.

14:18 - ethan, interrupted

ethan’s big speech where joseph fuckin crashes it. at first, he literally does not even see joseph in the crowd. he truly believes he’s dead and that the captain will bring back proof of this. to him, adherence to his rule makes sense; he’s the leader, and things need to change. it is arrogant, because ethan has partially internalized a sense of superiority and entitlement because of his position as joseph’s son, and now heir to the rulership of new eden (he thinks). this combined with an unstable self esteem and self image makes him want total compliance to his rule. criticism, disobedience, they threaten his self worth and that can send him into an emotional spiral or severe mood swing. so, to try and avoid the negative consequences he experiences from perceived slights and rejections, he wants a clean slate and total adherence to his new rules.

when he actually sees joseph, he stops, stammers, and says “father?”. not the father. just father. in this moment, his father who abandoned him (who went out for smokes and never came back) has suddenly shown up in the middle of his speech about him being dead. his arm drops and he stands there, stunned and speechless. his first question is “where have you been?”. he wants to know why and he asks why. why did his father abandon them? abandon him? the answer is completely meaningless to him. it’s basic, it has no detail, and isn’t sufficient. he’s speechless again for a bit, breathing heavier and hyperventilating. he steps away from joseph. when joseph calls the captain god’s sword, ethan damn near does a double take. he’s literally standing in his father’s shadow while he exalts an outsider in front of his own son, after interrupting his speech and embarrassing him in front of everyone.

one of ethan’s symptoms is his overvaluing and undervaluing people in his life. this is when he switches from overvaluing the captain, putting too much faith and hope into them, to undervaluing and practically hating them. his relationship with his father is tenuous, and rocky. it is characterized by ethan’s intense desire to be josephs successor and publicly recognized as his son. ethan even calls out to joseph, upset about the fact that hes now suddenly and publicly being dethroned; joseph doesnt even look back at him. ethan rejects josephs words in anger. he has a sudden outburst in front of the crowd; yet another sudden spike in his emotions from a stressful situation causes him to say what he’s really thinking. “you abandoned me. you abandoned us.” ethan says joseph didn’t leave instructions or a message, just left ethan to lead with no idea how. he does the best job he can under these extreme circumstances, and now all of his hard work is for nothing. that would make even the most level headed neurotypical person upset. whenn ethan starts to lose the support of new eden, he breaks down a bit. the anchor of his self image has been completely ripped away from him in a moment. he storms off partially and his body language is pretty dire; head down, shoulders moving sharply like he’s breathing harshly, and then he turns to watch the crowd walk away from him. imo, part of why ethan doesn’t completely lose it in this scene is that he might be partially dissociating or beginning to dissociate or experience some de-realization from the sudden, acute emotional distress this moment causes for him.

17:45 - ethan’s response

this is when ethan says that the captain betrayed him. they had a deal. he completely put his trust into the captain, idealizing them as the person who could solve his problems, only for them to bring joseph back and make everything in ethans life worse. now, the pendulum swings to the other side where ethan begins to loathe the captain. saying that the captain should have killed joseph themselves is an expression of 1) the intense reactions people with bpd can have to certain situations and 2) his skewed logic because of it. what seems totally irrational to someone else might seem like the only logical solution to a problem for someone with bpd. the stress of such a painful, emotionally charged situation like this one. he never wants to see the captain again; on a dime he flips, from putting all of his trust and hope into one person to saying he never wants to see them again and that they betrayed him. this quick switch of very intense perceptions of others is a cycle of idealization and undervaluing that people with bpd may experience.

18:07 - ethan’s prayer letter

in this letter, ethan discusses how he feels he hates his father for the abandonment; how joseph “expected everything and gave nothing”, how ethan never got to really have joseph as a father for himself because he was too busy being THE father. he says wrath and envy grip him tight to the point he feels he can’t breathe. this is definitely indicative of ethans mood swings and intense emotions, especially the irrational anger and aggression many people with bpd can have. then, he says nobody but himself, his mother, and god can know about how he feels, and that he must put on a front for new eden and be a leader to them “no matter what”. this is absolutely something i can see being tied to his bpd. he is aware that expressing his thoughts, feelings, and reactions to others would probably get a negative reaction. he seeks to avoid that, as well as to avoid the judgment from others he thinks he would get. his unstable self image is complicated by the fact that he feels obligated to hide the symptoms of his illness, and pretend to be someone he isn’t. this only makes it worse, as he ties his social and therefore individual identity to “ruler of new eden”. he relies very much on the responses and reactions of others to gauge whether or not he seems “normal” or capable of doing his job.

18:27 - npc dialogue

ethan says that josephs followers see the prophecy coming to light, but ethan sees it as a chance for new eden to make its own path. this is also when ethan says that he is josephs biological son, and that his mother raised him outside of hope county and brought him there when he was young to be raised by joseph. she died from an illness on their journey. this is some pretty significant baggage for ethan. he wants new eden, and himself, to become independent. the only reason he stays in new eden is because of his mother. he loves her, and idealizes her in a way that never flips to undervaluing because the relationship is one sided since her passing.

19:23 - megan’s letter to joseph

this is important just bc it states megan raised ethan as a non believer but after the collapse taught him about joseph’s word. this is important for ethan because it means he had to relearn some pretty significant things after the apocalypse, including a whole new religion and worldview. this can be very confusing for a child, and in part explains why ethan isn’t totally on board with josephs word, or the all of new eden’s beliefs surrounding him; his earliest formative years had nothing to do with joseph seed or prophets or collapses. he had to convert, and did so as a child who couldn’t really understand or make that choice for himself. he is tied to new eden solely because of megan, and without her wish to have him be josephs heir, he would’ve left long ago.

20:08 - intermission/flashback

this is when we see a young babby ethan get nasty with joseph. this is an early sign of his bpd developing. he has an intense reaction and says something very hurtful to his father over not getting what he wants, which isn’t just the apple but his father’s approval. to him, this is another rejection by joseph, or it is perceived that way by a young ethan. constantly being told something wasn’t gods plan, or it isn’t part of a prophecy without further explanation was confusing and frustrating for ethan growing up. he wanted the apple to be like his father; he wanted the apple to feel integrated into his community like the others who were given the gift. this denial, one that is permanent and leaves no room for ethan to change or grow and become capable of handling its strength leaves him feeling defeated and angry. his reaction of “you are an old man, and when you die i will take one” shows a very quick emotional shift and a shift from idolizing his father and wanting to be like him to practically hating him, becoming cold and distant in mere moments.

21:16 - joseph’s worry

“ethan’s sin is pride. there is something deep inside him that no word of mine can touch. i worry that now as an outsider appears to take his place that beast will feed on resentment and grow stronger. ” YEAH ITS BPD YA DINGUS fdpgpfd but more seriously, ethans pride is a coping mechanism to deal with his ever changing self image and self worth. its a rigid barrier to keep others from knowing how weak he really feels, and how uncertain he is of himself.

23:25 - ethan’s betrayal

this is where ethan betrays new eden and sets them up so the highwaymen can destroy the settlement. he tolerates the highwaymen laughing at him only so he can get what he wants: revenge. this extreme response is from his bpd. his impulsive anger, and the extremes his mind goes to won out and he acted on his violent thoughts.

26:26 - ethan and the fruit

when joseph asks ethan what hes done (referring to betraying new eden), ethan says: “i did what i had to do. i freed myself, i freed us all from you, from your rules.”. to ethan this was logical. this was something he had to do. he didn’t take pleasure in it, he didn’t go into new eden and kill everyone himself. no, he handed them over to the highwaymen in a desperate, out of touch moment. the spark was there and his disorder was gasoline that helped the flames to spread. he reacted intensely, out of irrationally extreme anger, towards an entire group of people he had shifted to undervaluing. he felt betrayed so he returned in kind, but no matter how wrong that was ethan couldnt see it.

“i will have what you denied me. you gave it to an outsider but you wouldn’t give it to me. i am your flesh and blood” and explosively tells joseph he doesnt know gods will. he lashes out against his father, arguing with him and rebelling directly by taking the one thing joseph kept him from that he truly wanted. to ethan, in my hc, the apple is more than just power and more than just something he covets. its a symbol of joseph’s fatherhood, of his love; he gave it to everyone but ethan, his own son, and now he would take what he wanted from life with or without josephs input.

31:08 - the death of ethan seed

the first thing ethan says after he sees joseph is “father… i’m sorry”. he’s scared. he knows he’s going to die. he asks if joseph can forgive him. he knows he’s fucked up, obviously, not just by eating the apple but by betraying new eden. his last word is “father”. no matter how torn his relationship was with joseph, he wanted his father’s love. he wanted connection with his father. he wanted to feel validated, have his identity confirmed, even in his last moments.

[yaboylevi]

Hello there! I couldn't help but notice that salty anon asking about your stance on Levi so I'll ask again because it sure sounds interesting! Do you mind telling us how you feel about him?

Okay, so the original question from a dumb hater was how I could even support a romantic ship between Eren and Levi if I am not a Levi fan*.

*If a ”Levi fan”, like that idiotic anon meant, is someone who excuses all of Levi’s bad behaviors, then no, I am not a fan.

Premise no.1: I’ve loved Levi for so many years, he’s been part of my twitter handle in the past, is in my Tumblr url, icons on various social media, I have a lot of merchandise and not only for “the sake of the ship”. I genuinely used to love him to the point that he was my favorite character alongside Eren, I couldn’t pick one. So I guess I am a bit of a fan, after all.

Premise no.2: I am a gigantic bag of salt about this topic so tread carefully if you’re easily offended. I won’t sugarcoat my VERY BIASED opinions, and if you strongly disagree, that’s perfectly fine. I won’t change my opinion with the information we currently have, because this isn’t a gut reaction I spent two seconds on, I actually soul searched (lol) for the reasons as to why I felt so negatively about Levi. He was my fave, and I felt deeply hurt and confused and frustrated, so I thought long and hard about it. I am open to change my mind if anything else comes out of him in the future.

Also, I have already spent a lot of words on how I feel about Levi’s character as of late, here, here, and here, here, here and here for example, also here and here (I haven’t exactly been silent about it lol) but let me reiterate it into one incomplete post. It’s really freaking long, and a wall of text at it. I don’t expect people to put up with this messy rant, but suit yourself if you want to.

@ the people who sent these new questions almost a month ago, I’m sorry this isn’t the reply you hoped for. If you guys want a more positive take on this, just look through my ereri meta tag.

Levi as a character can be simplified in 3 points, in my opinion: 1) the deep, caring feelings he has for his comrades and as such the responsibility he feels for them and their deaths; 2) his violent side and how he resorts to violence to solve situations. These 2 merge together into 3) what used to be his main goal, free humanity. He lent his strength (that at times he uses for violence/to get his way) to the cause: helping in freeing humanity inside the walls because the sense of freedom is worth everything.

So, harsh opinion: I believe he has lost sight of his goal – as Isayama has stated in the past even though I didn’t wanna believe it because it made zero sense and cheapened everything I loved about Levi – and he has fallen back into his worst behaviors. Add to that a lack of active presence and engagement in the actual story, and you get this predictable, background character that I can’t for the life of me enjoy currently. Because apparently, he forgot how to live on his own without Erwin’s guidance (and here I’d have another bag of salt to pour but this would get too long, and I don’t have the patience to word it in a way that wouldn’t bring me the ire of his fans).

I don’t know if Levi is really supposed to be seen this way, but at least to me, the focus has been mostly on this: his anger/violence/flaws, and his lack of involvement.

I never liked the way he resorted to violence to “resolve” not life-or-death situations or simply to vent his frustrations, in the first place. It’s something Eren had to let go of, he was rewarded when he used his wits, abandoning pure rage for the sake of revenge, and it’s always been Isayama’s intention, imo, to show as much with the story in general and with Levi as well, as Levi has never been rewarded for it either.

So, witnessing his character revert AGAIN to kicks and straight-up sadism, as a fan, has been a big disappointment. Then, the shift of his goal because “saving humanity” wasn’t Erwin’s goal, after all, has been another point of disappointment – but this happened way before the current arc. His obsession with “making the dead soldiers’ sacrifices worth it” can be commendable, but the way he’s going about it is totally blind and dictated by anger and loss of hope, in a way, so I don’t see it as something positive either. He lacks vision, he lacks a voice in the things that are happening around him as if he doesn’t care whatever happens to all of them, as long as he can make Zeke suffer and kill him. I know it’s not totally the case, because we have seen (and I want to believe) that he still cares about his comrades who are still alive, as seen during the battle in Liberio and his reticence at following direct orders to kill Eren, but at the same time, the obsession with “repaying the lives of the dead” is making him being absolutely heartless for the sake of his “hope” (like, I’m paraphrasing here but he literally went “let’s go to war again and let Historia become a shifter if she so wants to, who cares, more deaths, yay”), though he himself doesn’t seem to care about hope and freedom and all this stuff that much anymore, or he would’ve spoken up about the mess Paradis and Hange were throwing themselves into, like Eren did.

Another point of dissatisfaction is that it seemed to me like he was forming stronger bonds with the 104th and he was becoming better at voicing his opinions without becoming violent, but I guess he either regressed, or I always read him wrong. His violence in 114 was downright revolting to me, I felt nauseous and, in a way, I’m glad he got k.o’ed. It put a stop to his metaphorical downfall, at least — I see post-timeskip Levi as a cheapened, worsened, “hyperfocused-on-just-one-side-of-him” version of the Levi I used to love in earlier arcs and he was only getting worse, imo.

And, as a special mention re: his violence and his relationship with Eren… It was interesting to observe how he slowly changed in regards to Eren, learning how to lift him up and get the best out of and for him, caring about and paying attention to Eren’s emotional state when no one could or would. It was also very interesting how he opened up to Eren just because he wanted to help him, always, from the beginning. THAT’S what really made me fall for the ship and for Levi.

Also, he thought that violence wasn’t the answer with Eren, and I guess I can excuse him for his behavior in Shiganshina because it was a charged challenge of sort for every character. But he really did think that nobody could make Eren submit with violence, yet he’s the one who tried to do exactly that as soon as they met again in ch.105. I was so disappointed that their relationship seemed to have regressed so much, I kept being hopeful only because of his face/words after the kick: he felt betrayed and saddened by Eren, so it meant he still cared deeply about him. And yeah, he does, but the reasons are also partially…bad. 

Don’t get me wrong, I believe he cares about Eren as a person, the boy he met and decided to protect all those years ago, but now saving Eren has become deeply intertwined with saving his last remaining goal: making it up to the dead soldiers (and I’ve already explained why I think it’s not a “positive” goal). And it’s unfair and a skewed view, imo, because Eren really didn’t have much to do with every single death. But I think it’s Levi being desperate about it all, he clings to it or he’d lose it if he had to, um, reconsider his current mindset. He’s like…grasping at straws, I feel. Like he was doing with Erwin when Erwin revealed his true colors. Levi ended up reconsidering his own ideals and goals, back then, but in a bad way (he had no goals of his own, he just blindly followed Erwin, who cares about humanity, right? Even though he seemed to care oh so much before).

I guess it’s the downfall of the “Hero”. @/Isayama, was this necessary? Is this entertaining? I am personally not a fan of this, there were so many ways to challenge Levi’s belief & trust in Eren, and to still have Levi be an active player. This just feels like a cheap way to get him out of the picture and turn him into a really secondary character. He doesn’t feel like a main player in this arc.

So long story short, I’m very disappointed in his development. I was willing to go along with it in the hopes that it would be leading us to something very interesting and it seemed it could go into a good direction as I stated here. But when he seemed to be confirmed basically dead (literally, or anyway when it comes to his importance in current events), I’ve kind of lost all hope in regards to his character, and I felt so done about it. He is either gonna stay this way, or there’s gonna be some small, cheap, background-ish closure (though atm I fail to see how, seeing as the story is about to end) and if that’s the case, I fail to comprehend the purpose of his arc, then. I don’t think his is an unreasonable development, I just fail to see how the direction Isayama has decided to “develop” him in has any relevance to the story and its themes, as he used to be a major player with some good-ass, relevant presence in the story. As I said in some posts I linked above, Isayama may have lost motivation to develop Levi any further and dropped it from the “main players” roaster, probably when he decided to change Levi’s motivations halfway through the story (because yes, the problems I have with Levi started towards the end of Uprising).

I used to be a great Levi fan, if my username and icon are anything to go by, and I still like him when I reread some parts as I stated elsewhere, because I really, really love when he interacts with the 104th or like, with his subordinates or even Hange. It’s fun to watch and even cute, when he’s not being a violent arsehole. So it’s really a shame that it’s come to this.

And yeah, I’m sure some people may have noticed already, but the ereri content on my blog has become quite scarce, S3 and the shitfest that went down there in regards to Eren&Levi parts also dampened my hype for the ship, my dissatisfaction with Levi’s character and the way his interactions (or lack thereof) with Eren went recently just pissed me off. But I loved this ship for like 5 years, I’m attached to it, and I am capable of separating the good parts of it from the bad ones (though it’s become increasingly difficult). And most importantly, I still love the way their canon relationship was developed up until before the serum bowl. Almost nothing has happened with them since then, so that’s why I was still really hyped for the next 2 years, but recently, and with Levi’s return, I’ve just grown more frustrated and bored with it.

After all, I fell in love with the romantic fanon ship BECAUSE the canon relationship was so interesting, had potential, and seemed to be going some incredibly cool directions, as both the characters seemed to be similar, had the same goals and understood each other on a basic level. It turned out to be almost nothing in the end, but alas.

So, how can I ship them if I don’t like one of them?

I still like Levi, especially when I reread the early arcs. This doesn’t mean I have to accept the worst sides of him that have apparently taken over his whole personality. His violence ISN’T a flaw I - or anyone, imo - should accept. Snoring IS a flaw we can/have to accept if we love someone. Violence is something that must be overcome. My annoyance with people implying they are better fans because they accept and embrace and excuse him and his violence, compared to those who don’t like that, is also a factor in my frustration. Understanding why exactly he’s the way he is is part of being a fan of a character, wishing for him to become a better person and ultimately letting go of toxic (yeah) acquired behaviors, imo, is better than defending and hyping them up. Some people even LOVE and WISH that violence will be his downfall because it’s violence for the sake of avenging [redacted] so it’s sooo romantic. lmao, ok. And I won't even get started about the ones who SERIOUSLY say that adult characters don't need to change, because I'm gonna start laughing for 3 hours straight. Dudes, there's not an age where you stop changing. If you stop trying bettering yourself at age XX, then I already know you're a shitty adult irl, goodbye.

Anyways, back on track. As I said in another post I may have linked above, I thought his encounter and resolution with Kenny would have amounted to something in this regards, since Levi used violence to get acknowledgment and to feel like he was “worth” something, imo, but it was only a set up for serumbowl. Wasted chance.

And I get it that violence is the way he was taught to deal with things, but 20 years have passed since then and he had a whole character arc in Uprising about opening up, trusting, feeling trusted in return, and feeling good and grateful and happy about that BECAUSE he was open with his squad and learned that it was better to use words rather than fists. So I thought he had grown out of it at least a bit. But I mean, there are other characters who have regressed or haven’t changed at all after their supposed character arc, and that dampened to a great degree the enjoyment of such characters for me (Historia, Ymir, Reiner), so whatever I guess? I can definitely see it’s something of a “cruel” way of storytelling Isayama really seems to like, maybe because he wants the characters to suffer. I guess you can’t have a story if all of your characters become better people and overcome their flaws…well, actually you can, but I guess Isayama doesn’t want this to be that kind of story.

But anyway, just to be clear, it also ties in with wanting the characters you love to better themselves and let go of things that ruin their lives or that have roots in trauma. Wouldn’t you want that for someone you love, even and especially in real life? So, if his violent tendencies have been portrayed as “wrong”, Bad Coping Mechanisms, and rooted in childhood trauma, why is it so frowned upon in this goddamn fandom to wish for him to let go of them, since it’s something that has caused him and characters around him pain or distress or downright failure. Overcoming these flaws would mean he’d feel better about himself, and others, and his past, etc. Why is it SO wrong to wish him the best? Lmao, I don’t get it.

So when his “real fans” be like “Levi’s violence is a part of him, you don’t love him for real if you can’t accept that part. anyway he’s perfect the way he is”, I’m like…that’s actually bullshit. I just want him to be a better person, just like I wanted to be a better person when I had detrimental (for me and for the people close to me) behaviors due to mental health stuff.

It’s not even on the same level of wanting him to stop being rude, that’s part of his charm. Violence…is not a cool personality trait, and it’s something you should want him to get over.

–

I still love lots of things that were shown in the manga in regards to Eren and Levi, so I don’t get why I should justify myself for liking them together just because I don’t like some parts of one of them. I still think some of Levi’s best personality traits came out when he interacted with Eren, and I like the Levi who cares about Eren the most. Hence why I ship the goddamn ship. That’s all there is to it, really. Here I talked about what I loved about their relationship, though now I feel like a bit of a hopeful fool.

[ettadunham]

A Buffy rewatch 6x10 Wrecked

aka going way too hard on your metaphors

Welcome to this dailyish (weekly? bi-weekly?) text post series where I will rewatch an episode of Buffy and go on an impromptu rant about it for an hour. Is it about one hyperspecific thing or twenty observations? 10 or 3k words? You don’t know! I don’t know!!! In this house we don’t know things.

And with today’s episode I wanna talk about... *checks non-existent notes* Buffy and Willow? That can’t be right. Didn’t we just have that talk?

*flips page on the notepad I’d be using if I actually put some effort into these posts* Oh. I’m gonna be talking about Buffy and Willow for every episode this season. Okay then.

When it comes to Wrecked, I think the first and foremost thing we need to address is the out of control drug metaphor of Willow’s magic problems, that’s being hammered into the audience seemingly out of nowhere.

Now, this is a bit of a toughie. Because I can see where the metaphor is coming from, and how it’s actually pretty in character for Willow to fall down this rabbit hole. See, what the magical drug represents here for Willow is an escape from her reality and emotions – and Willow’s affinity to do just that has been well-documented throughout the show.

I pointed this out most with Something Blue. In that case, Willow’s grief over Oz’s departure caused her to eventually turn to a magical solution, that would heal her heartbreak overnight. She didn’t want to go through the pain, she wanted to not feel it altogether. There’s even a weird Bronze scene where we see Willow drinking a light beer (A light beer! Gasp!) that is trying to impart the same impression about escaping her current state.

Lovers Walk has a similar moment, where she’s trying to de-lust herself and Xander with a spell (without his consent at that…). And then we’ve got episodes like Wild at Heart and Tough Love, where big bad emotions lead to her turning to magic to take revenge.

Xander is easily the most emotional character, in the sense that he tends to act upon his emotions rather than questioning them. Willow is pretty much the complete opposite of that, in that she can’t help but over-examine her emotions. But when she feels things – especially something negative – she feels that big. And possibly due to that same over-examination, that might even magnify those emotions, she can barely stand it.

Here, those emotions appear to be mostly about her break-up with Tara. Break-ups seem to hit Willow especially hard, since being loved and seen as special is a bit of a cornerstone of her character motivations. (Of which a lot can be traced back to her mommy issues if we go by Gingerbread.) So yeah, it’s really no wonder that she tried to take a magical shortcut to cut through the pain.

And yet, the moment you start looking at this episode in the context of what came before, and the actual events that led to Tara leaving, things are starting to get less and less straightforward.

See, Willow’s use of magic prior to Wrecked in season 6 was less about escape, and more about power and control. Tara’s concerns were about Willow using her powers to help herself, alter reality to her liking without any consideration for anyone’s choice or consent, and taking magical shortcuts for all of her problems.

You can make the argument that it’s still connected, that power has an addictive nature, that that fear of abandonment and anxiety is what’s behind a lot of Willow’s issues with control, which has a similar effect of her avoiding certain problems and emotions… And certainly, as these actions and inclinations are all in character for Willow, you can lead them back to the same motivations.

Still, when we’re talking about the substance abuse metaphor specifically, applying that to Willow pre-Wrecked is much less straightforward. Which wouldn’t necessarily be that big of a problem, your metaphors don’t always need to be a perfect fit imo, and you can have something mean multiple things at once… except in this case, we are going way too hard on it.

Rack’s entire setup, that whole scene of Amy breaking into the house, trying to steal some herbs(?), Willow’s withdrawal symptoms by the end of the episode… There’s just no space for any wider interpretation, and because of that, I feel like we’re missing a lot of nuance, as many of Willow’s actual issues don’t fit quite as neatly into this metaphor.

It feels like the show is saying that it’s the fault of this ~drug magic~ that Willow altered Tara’s memories, taking away her informed consent. And that would be in itself certainly a complicated discussion, because judging the actions of people struggling with addiction is complicated; but it’s just not really the right discussion in this case. Again, while we can fold this into a greater context of the addictive nature of power and whatnot, it’s still mostly just about Willow’s abuse of that power here.

For Buffy though, at this point in time it’s definitely that sense of escape and addictive self-destructive mechanism where she connects with Willow.

The show is once again drawing a clear parallel between these two characters, but more importantly, Buffy is doing a lot of that work herself. As I mentioned before, this is sort of becoming a problem this season. Like, not to beat the dead horse, but the three main Scoobies have trouble holding each other responsible for their actions all season. And in Buffy’s case, that mostly comes from her being too wrapped up in her own mess, and over-identifying with her friends’ issues instead of looking at them critically.

BUFFY:  “She’s just helping Amy through a transition.” XANDER:  “And making herself a playmate to do magic with. Someone who won’t monitor her like Tara.” BUFFY:  “No, Willow’s a grownup. You know, maybe she doesn’t need to be monitored. You know, she’s going through something, but we’re not her. I mean… maybe she has reasons for acting this way. And, so what if she crossed a line? You know, we all do stuff. Stupid stuff. But, then we learn. And we learn, and we don’t do it again. Okay, so, you know, who are we to get all judgey?���

First of all, let’s address the Xander of it. His culpability here for me is about the fact that he seems more or less aware of the problem, and voices it a couple of times, but we never actually see him do anything about it. He made some passive aggressive comments when Willow used magic to hack something, but that’s it.

On the other hand, I guess that isn’t that far from Xander’s modus operandi. He sees himself as a bit of an outsider in their group. He observes, and as a result, when a character goes to him for advice or support post s4, he can actually be pretty helpful. So maybe it’s really not his style to just show up at Buffy’s house on an afternoon, and try to get through to Willow… but I still think that he should’ve. That’s his best friend since kindergarten, and he clearly sees that there’s a problem.

Then again, Xander has his own set of issues this season that might occupy most of his thoughts, even if they’ll only become more apparent later down the line.

Buffy’s defensiveness regarding Willow however is just a beautiful mess of overtly obvious over-identification.

Now that Buffy actually slept with Spike, he is feeling empowered. Even if he’s only an outlet for Buffy, that in itself can have its own addictive nature.

Buffy hit a low point. Her depression is taking over every aspect of her life, and the only time she feels like she can break out of that numbness is when she’s with Spike. Even if a lot of that is centered around her feelings of self-loathing and shame.

If Spike had a soul, he could probably see that that’s not good, and certainly not the kind of relationship you want to have with someone you’re supposedly in love with… but Spike doesn’t have a soul. So all he sees is the co-dependency aspect of it all. He’s obsessed with Buffy, but Buffy needs him too. That’s a win for him as far as his current limited understanding of love goes.

So he’s being smug, and pays less and less attention to Buffy’s ‘no’s. And yeah… That’s troubling, but it’s also troubling in a way that seems self-aware on the show’s part, especially when you think about where we’re headed.

Circling back to Buffy’s response to Willow, with the outright stated connection, you can see Buffy’s own struggles with her current situation through that. When she slowly hugs Willow after the latter begged for her forgiveness and support as she hit her low point, that feels almost like an act of self-love on Buffy’s part. Or at the very least an admittance of her own predicament.

My question however still remains. Could Buffy really help Willow if all she sees are her own issues reflected back through her, which she’s struggling to deal with in the first place?

(I mean, the answer is no, but that’ll get slightly less obvious before the end of the season.)

Oh yeah, and I can’t believe that Tara is the only one who cares about the teenager in the house enough to try and make her breakfast. At this point, Dawn should just move into Tara’s new place, like, full offense @ Buffy and Willow, but you guys are a mess.

But that’s how I love them.

[dreamersscape]

Note: This ask is from ages upon ages ago, and I’d like to offer my deepest apologies to whoever requested this. It was very important to me that I answer  thoroughly and in as articulate a manner as possible, and I’m embarrassed how slow accomplishing that took me. I hope that somehow you’re able to see this post, and you’re able to get something out of my rambling.

Thank you again for your patience in awaiting my answer, nonnie! I’m excited to put this headcanon of mine into words. It’s not often I have really specific and/or detailed HCs, I’ll admit; usually I stick to extrapolating off of canon. And while that’s sort of what I’ve done here, it seems to have happened mostly on a subconscious level, stewing until I realized a pattern forming within nearly all my fic plot bunnies.

It’s also possibly a key to how I understand Allan as a character, so… that’s kinda cool.

Okay, so Allan doesn’t really present as an overly anxious person, does he? At least, not in comparison to some of the other characters, like Much, who is utterly incapable of suppressing his anxiety. If Much is feeling apprehensive about something, you’re going to know it. So why then did I begin to notice my habit of, once he’s been stressed past a certain point, characterizing Allan’s emotional breaking points almost always as him tailspinning into a state of profound anxiety/panic? Well, partly because Allan just really REALLY sucks at dealing with negative experiences/emotions. His preferred method of coping with anything is to internalize the heck out of it, stuff it deep down inside, and then hope he never has to think about it ever again i.e. avoidance at all costs. And that appears to work… for awhile. He’s good at living in the present, ignoring past events and future repercussions. (Side note: a big reason why I also think substance abuse or other similar escapes could be quite alluring to him.) Eventually though, because it’s never been dealt with or even confronted, something triggers the release of all that pent up stress and negativity. He basically builds this towering pile of Bad Things, and so when it gets knocked over, it manages to completely overwhelm him. But until he’s thrown off-kilter and the pile loses balance and tips over, he’s mostly able to coast along, maintaining a relatively calm exterior while mired in turbulent inner seas.

Now, I realize I haven’t given much in the way of evidence for this yet, or explained why I think this all happens within the framework of a very anxious mindset. Hopefully I’m getting there. But that preceding paragraph is there to show how I find I characterize Allan as a result. (I probably wouldn’t have figured out this pattern of sorts if I could ever resist making things the Absolute Worst Imaginable Confluence of Events for Allan in my fic ideas, but that’s a “problem” for another day.)

What I’ve found is the key for me to get in Allan’s head and see things from his perspective is this: fear is his #1 motivator and it constantly feeds into his #1 priority, which is self-preservation. That goal of personal safety develops and eventually changes over the course of the show, but certainly for the greater part of the first two seasons, that is what primarily drives him. (For what I believe drives him from the end of 2x12 onwards, see here.)

For the most part, I’d say it’s pretty safe to say self-preservation-as-priority-number-one in regards to Allan’s character is generally widely accepted by the fans of the show. But opinions on why and how that came to be might vary more. I don’t know, maybe proposing that fear is the major driving force behind Allan’s decisions and behavior is not very revolutionary, but that is what I’d like to posit and explore in this post.

So, why do I think Allan is constantly consumed by his own personal well being above all else, to the point where its essentially become an automatic filter overlaying the way he interacts with the world? (I’m not intending to dramatically overstate things here, BTW; this is just how deeply ingrained I believe it is.) To me, this indicates at some point early on in his life something or a series of events convinced Allan that the world was an inherently dangerous place and you needed to always be on your guard for the next threat around any corner. This trauma could have taken a variety of forms depending on your headcanon,  but IMO it’s clear from Allan’s canonical behavior that it happened. Things that could point to this include, but are not limited to, the sparse background information we do learn about (Tom abandoning him and simultaneously stealing all his belongings, his apparent total lack of vocation despite his father being a blacksmith) as well as how he interacts with his brother (his over-identification with Tom–”I was like him once”–mixed in with the understandable trust issues, Tom’s borderline antisocial behavior in general, and I also wrote here about how their dynamic possibly alludes to a dysfunctional home life). With that as a fundamental part of your worldview, it’s easy to understand why you and your anxiety might have become good friends. He has no base level understanding or measure of being/feeling safe. Or maybe he once did, but there isn’t a way to go back or recapture that.

Another component of Allan’s anxiety I’d like to highlight is his personal locus of control. Locus of control is a psychology term that evaluates ‘the degree to which people believe that they have control over the outcome of events in their lives, as opposed to external forces beyond their control.’ It’s usually described in terms of being internal (belief that one can control one’s own life) or external (belief that life is controlled by outside factors which the person cannot influence, or that chance or fate controls their lives). ‘Individuals with a strong internal locus of control believe events in their life derive primarily from their own actions: for example, when receiving exam results, people with an internal locus of control tend to praise or blame themselves and their abilities. People with a strong external locus of control tend to praise or blame external factors such as the teacher or the exam.’ I definitely believe Allan has an external-based locus of control, and I think we see this in how reactive and defensive he is to his environment and in his tendency to shift the blame or not take personal responsibility for his actions. As opposed to Marian’s and Robin’s “everything is a choice” mantra, Allan often feels he has/had “no choice”, or feels “stuck”. Consequently, this lack of perceived ability to dictate and be accountable for one’s actions can make you feel very powerless. And if you believe the world is a unpredictable, dangerous place and there’s little you can do to affect or change that, you’d likely feel pretty fearful and anxious. Indeed, there has been research that concludes that people with an external locus of control tend to be more stressed and are more prone to clinical depression.

Now, I realize the preceding two paragraphs are either relying heavily on speculation or pretty technical terminology, so I’d like to conclude by referring directly to Allan’s behavior as evidence of his frequent anxiety. It is still in production, but I am working on a comprehensive gifset of every time Allan outwardly demonstrates anxiety. I’ll link it here once it’s finished. (Spoiler warning: it’s going to be a whopper of a gifset.) But until then, I think it’s notable that Allan exhibits a wide range of behaviors that typically denote anxiety. Licking his lips, swallowing/gulping, sweaty palms, fidgeting with something in his hands (could also be a sign of excess energy, but there are three instances of this in the first two episodes of the show alone, and this often seems to happen when it’s implied Allan has excess nervous energy), shifty eyes or a gaze that is unable to meet anyone else’s, hands on head in dismay, etc. It’s subtle because Allan’s doing his best to suppress it–he doesn’t want it to show because that would mean looking vulnerable/weak, which is not safe and a terrifying prospect when you live in a unpredictable, dangerous world–but if you’re looking for it, it’s there.

In summary, on the outside Allan projects a calm, self-assured, doesn’t-take-anything-too-seriously, cheerful, amiable image. And that is a legitimate part of who he is. He’s cultivated that facade for so long that it has taken on a life of its own. However, on the inside, he is ALSO a lot of the time an unsure, self-doubting, self-destructive, fearful, angst-ridden bundle of nerves. So that’s why when I read a story where Allan is ONLY portrayed as the former with none of the latter, it just doesn’t feel like Allan to me. In those cases, it’s as though I’m reading about a vaguely Allan-shaped empty shell. And I get it–it’s hard to always show all those sides of Allan when he’s not one of the main characters or he’s not the primary focus of the fic. Or the author might not be at all inclined to have Allan’s role be more than a surface level portrayal, and that’s okay. Not everything should be about Allan! But I also think there is often room for hints; Allan’s facade does have cracks. All this to say, Allan’s layers and contradictions are an intrinsic part of his character’s essence for me, including his anxieties/insecurities/fears, and his life has largely been built on that apprehensive foundation.

TL;DR Allan’s anxiety not only exists, it dictates much of what he thinks, says, and does, and the poor guy needs a ton of therapy.

sources for the locus of control info:

Rotter, Julian B (1966). “Generalized expectancies for internal versus external control of reinforcement”. Psychological Monographs: General and Applied. 80: 1–28. Carlson, N.R., et al. (2007). Psychology: The Science of Behaviour - 4th Canadian ed.. Toronto, ON: Pearson Education Canada. Benassi, Victor A; Sweeney, Paul D; Dufour, Charles L (1988). “Is there a relation between locus of control orientation and depression?”. Journal of Abnormal Psychology. 97 (3): 357–367.

[hoshigomi]

Elbe//Estrellas- Hoshigumi, 2019

Elbe/Estrellas is a show combo that I was lucky to see [redacted] number of times between the first day in Takarazuka, and the last day in Tokyo (including the Tokyo shinjin kouen performance!), and for a lot of reasons, most of them emotional, I wasn’t able to write up a review of it until after it closed. As much as it breaks my heart to say, the show is now behind us, so without further ado, here are my thoughts and opinions- aged like fine wine over the span of three months.

(Warning: it’s quite long, grab a drink and some popcorn.)

ELBE~

Honestly, and this goes for both Elbe AND Estrellas- there has never been a show that I was more nervous to see. The director talks and cast voices and eventually, rehearsal footage kind of scared me. It looked fun and fine, and like okay, but this show was my favorite actress’s last show, and the stakes were pretty high for me. I went in expecting nothing, and Dear Reader, I cried through the entire thing. I have never felt luckier.*

*I do want to address that opinion on this show is mixed, which, fair, that’s the beauty of theatre, and I wouldn’t want to change that! But I do think that an unfortunate amount of negative feeling is from people who went in expecting Benigumi to fail at something serious, a Takarazuka classic, and refused to be open to the experience, which, your loss. In any case, I’m so glad I went in with an open heart and hopefulness for this show, because my original assumption did a COMPLETE 180.

First of all, I loved Elbe. I have never seen any show this many times, or over such a wide span of time, and I was honestly taken aback every day by how the show progressed and evolved and changed. I was ESPECIALLY thrilled by Kurenai Yuzuru (Beni) as Karl and Kisaki Airi (Airi) as Margit, who by Tokyo, had REALLY hit their stride as these characters, and as a combi in this show. It’s so difficult to keep shows that run this long from getting stale, but from the line delivery to the acting choices, two shows were SELDOM the same. This came at a cost in some ways- if you’re trying out something different every day, you’re bound to have some hits and some misses- and they did have both- but the fact that this cast was able to be as PRESENT in this show as they were that they could live as In-The-Moment as they did was INSPIRING to me, as an actor. I was never bored while I was watching this show, even though there’s a really long stretch of serious scenes ¾ths of the way through. Serious kudos to all of Hoshigumi, especially Beni and Airi.

The plot was pretty simple to follow, though of course my Japanese isn’t NEARLY good enough to get everything about it (and it doesn’t help that Beni and Airi, who do the bulk of the talking, both fluctuated between vocal choices that HELPED my comprehension, and just straight up yelling- which, I’ll give to Beni, because it WAS in character…and Airi too, to an extent, but I could have done with it all being toned down a LITTLE.)

The show opens with a mini revue/parade on the grand staircase. As someone who LOVES revues and parades and big loud party group numbers, this absolutely kicked ass. It also gave some actresses in the troupe who don’t get to do a TON in Elbe the chance to actually be seen for a second, which was nice. Some people didn’t like it because it did nothing for the plot and was kind of out of place. That’s legit, so I’ll just say Your Mileage May Vary on this one- for me, it was one of my ABSOLUTE favorite parts of the show. 

The bare bones actual plot of Elbe is this (NOT SPOILER FREE, READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION, though the show is closed now so.): Karl (Beni) is a rough and tumble sailor. Margit (Airi) is a high class girl running away from an engagement she isn’t interested in to Florian (Rei Makoto/Coto), who’s just a really good guy who has loved her since they were young I guess and is also rich. Karl and Margit meet one night in a bar at the Beer Matsuri, and fall in love. Florian and Margit’s family are searching for her (rightfully so) because she like…just ran away. There’s a REALLY COOL search song/scene where everyone goes into the audience, the different groups bump into and interact with each other and the audience as they search for Karl and Margit. (Unfortunately, you can only catch this from the first floor) In the end, they find Margit with Karl at a restaurant, Florian asks Margit to come home, Margit says no, Margit’s dad DEMANDS Margit come home, Margit threatens that she’ll kill herself if they don’t let her be with Karl, a policeman threatens to shoot Karl, Florian steps in to end this madness (like the good guy he is, see), and they end up bringing Karl home with them. Obviously, Karl clashes with high society, and introducing him to Margit’s social circle doesn’t go well. Mess ensues, (side plots: Margit’s sister is in love with Florian, some other sailors are running around trying to find Karl, and one of them marries Karl’s sister. These sideplots aren’t super relevant, but are some of the best scenes in the show IMO.), Karl ends up taking a monetary bribe from Margit’s dad and abandoning her. After the beer matsuri ends and Karl takes off on his ship, Florian and Margit bust into the pub searching for Karl. Spoiler- it’s too late to get Karl back, but the desperate search is one of the most beautiful scenes in the show, so I’ll hash it out in a bit.

The sets/costumes, etc. Wow!! Yes! Okay! I loved them! In particular, the harbor set, which was a dark blue wash on the backdrop with the shadows and silhouettes and outlines of the buildings along the water, the golden lights shining from the windows, a lighthouse, pure, pure simplicity- it was just *chefs kiss* Literally my favorite backdrop I have ever seen. I studied it with opera glasses and it looked just as good close up! The Rich People House set was also stunningly detailed and grand. 

The pub was more of a big beer hall, than anything- a bit sparse- but that suited the impromptu beer matsuri dance party pretty well. From a purely practical standpoint, it had to be bare. They fit like all of the troupe in those scenes- they needed room to dance. I personally really appreciated the way they used elements from the beer matsuri to segue into other scenes, there were carousels and background actresses in the lederhosen and dirndl costumes moving around throughout so you couldn’t forget that the beer matsuri was still going on- the story takes place over a SHORT amount of time- and I really appreciated the life the usage of those actresses and set pieces, etc, brought to the stage. It was never disruptive to me and fit in with the rest of the action really well. Sometimes the usage was downright clever.  The costumes were REALLY pretty and well-suited to the show* , particularly all of Airi’s dresses and the sailor costumes- overalls and rolled up sleeves and half buttoned shirts galore! (yum. More of THOSE, please. The sailors and the bar girls who I guess were prostitutes had a number that I personally found pretty steamy which segued into a rough and tumble Men Of The Sea group number, which was flawless and also sexy.) Anyway, they offered a good contrast to the upper class costumes, which were also BEAUTIFUL. I appreciated the costuming and sets/lighting elements in this show a lot.  *Except Nanami Hiroki (Kai) as the sailor Tobias who WAS in a cowboy hat for no good reason for most of the show, but who’s complaining?

The main players- honkouen and shijinkouen casts! Kurenai Yuzuru as Karl. I was incredibly impressed by Beni in this role. She grew with it and lived in it, she was present in a way that I really rarely see on ANY stage and that I know is SO hard to pull off. I loved the way Beni played Karl rough and violent, because the moments where she truly let that all drop and was vulnerable and quiet and still were heartachingly poignant and beautiful. Her monologue after leaving Margit brought tears to my (and her) eyes. Her moments with Margit on the dock prior made me softly go “oh.” more times than I can count. Is Karl likeable? Not really. Is he an interesting character with a lot of dimensions that Beni played with to mostly great success? Absolutely. Kiwami Shin played Karl in the shinjinkouen (SK) cast. This isn’t her first lead, so I was a little surprised by how nervous she seemed- but I guess when you have a lead role in a tough show and only get one night to show what you’ve got, you end up pretty nervous regardless. She worked really hard on this, and had a lot of delightful and present moments. Musically she had her missteps, but her Karl was DEEPLY charming and genuine in a lot of ways. I’m interested to see where she goes from here. <3

Kisaki Airi as Margit. Airi Airi Airi! Margit is HARD but I really saw Airi in her headspace, working through her feelings for Karl, especially when Karl was monologuing to the ends of the earth and all she could do was react. She held her ground against Karl pretty well, I felt. She’s the classic caught-between-two-men ingenue role, and for what it’s worth, I thought Airi really worked with what she was given. She and Beni have hit their stride as a couple together, and that made Karl and Margit’s ( though few) playful moments really, really sweet. Also, boy, she’s beautiful. Mizuno Yuri played Margit in the SK and BOY did she work for it. Acting wise, she actually really had some great stuff going on, and some moments that were fresher and more clear when she did them than when Airi did! It’s cool to have a new perspective on a character like that. I hope she continues to work on herself vocally, because she is incredibly charming to watch onstage. Get it, Yuri.

Rei Makoto as Florian. A good guy. A really good guy. Not to cop out of this, but there’s not a lot to SAY about Coto or Florian. Florian is a good guy to a fault- he’s the one who searches most desperately and calls for Karl in the most heartbreaking way on the docks at the end of the show (seriously, she BROKE my heart every day), even though Karl is, by all accounts, his rival in love. Florian is just GOOD. I get why Margit’s sister is in love with him. And again, not to cop out, but…Coto is flawless. I don’t have anything to say about her. Her acting was beautiful and nuanced, it’s really come a long way and is about to join singing and dancing in the list of Things Coto Is Flawless At. Amahana Ema played Florian in the SK, and was also really good. I want to see her take more risks. She’s solidly unobjectionable- she isn’t doing anything at all wrong, she’s very GOOD, but I want to see her make some big choices! I know we’ll get to soon, though, the girl is currently traaaacked. She could become a force to be RECKONED with!

Nanami Hiroki as Tobias. Tobias is a role that was written specifically for Kai and put into the show for her. Because of this, his story (or…lack thereof?) didn’t really FIT into the plot in a significant way. He’s the only sailor with a good head on his shoulders, and plays straight man to the rest of the background goofball sailors (Seo Yuriya, Shidou Ryuu, Amahana Ema, Mao Yuuki, Amato Kanon). Because of this, Tobias and the sailor crew have the bulk of the comic relief transition scenes. Tobias falls in love with Karl’s sister and gets a sweet bridge solo about his new journey and a really lovely sendoff party in the pub- (which is more than obviously a thinly masked sendoff scene for Kai, the actress playing Tobias, who retired with this show.) Despite this, I loved the scene and the role. I’m biased, but the final scene was a nice button and wrap up to the beer matsuri plot and a good transition into the final scenes of the show. Tobias was perfect for Kai- the big brother part to everyone- handsome and deliberate and good. I loved Tobias, cowboy hat, heart print bandana, and all. Congratulations, and danke schön, Kai!! Amato Kanon as SK Tobias shook me to my core. I knew who she was before this, but only as someone who Kind Of Looks Like someone else I love. Holy shit, y’all, her first moment on the grand staircase (”Bravo, Bravo!”) made my heart burst. Of the three otokoyaku leads in the SK, 102nd Amato Kanon had the most control of herself, made the biggest choices, and ventured off the beaten path the most- to GREAT success. She’s mine forever. I love this kid. 

After these characters, stage time drops off significantly. Of note, Tenju Mitsuki played a good Inspector Kaufmann- though she deserves to play more than a one note, barely-there police role. She was INTIMIDATING though, even while flanked by the much taller and just bigger Toudou Jun and Haruto Yuuho as her underlings. Yuunagi Ryou (who was between all of us, the reason I saw the shinko) and her FASCINATING VOICE were really solidly on it. She’s certainly more suited to comedic stuff (her background sailor How-Much-Can-I-Get-Away-With antics in the HK were out of CONTROL and something I looked forward to every viewing. Double fisting pretzels and holding two pints of beer in one hand! Flirting with girls! Flirting with boys! Flexing! Stumbling half offstage!), but it was nice to see her flex her potential with a gun and a lot of harshly barked commands. Mizuno Yuri was CHARMING as Betty- another unfortunately one-note character, but watching her country bumpkin self charm stoic Tobias was sweet, even if they didn’t get to interact much. With all the love in my heart, I want to point out that she is also the noodliest actress I have ever seen. I wish there was like an equivalent of the specifically comedic brobante but for musumeyaku- she could grow into that NICELY.  Ruri Hanaka was SK Betty and honestly y’all she’s ready to be top musumeyaku- I only wish she got to sing and dance in this role. She has more game in her tiny body than most upperclassman otokoyaku do. The Rurihana support society meets Wednesdays- contact me for details. Arisa Hitomi played Suzanne- the younger sister in love with Florian (can’t blame her.) Her voice is beautiful and she works with this part as much as anyone possibly could. Kuracchi is SOLID in her skillset- I really hope we get to continue seeing it. Sakuraba Mai sounded very good as SK Suzanne but did fall into the trap of copying Kuracchi, not that I can hold that against ANY SK actress.   Amato Kanon as Johnny, the kid who just wants to ride in a boat, is literally one of the funniest things I have ever seen. Her physicality made me grin and brought tears to my eyes trying to hold back laughter. She’s at 110% every moment of the show, all balled-up fists and shouting and hunched shoulders. She’s channeling skittish TINY dog that’s all bark and no bite and I loved it. Seo Yuriya as the BRASH and rude Martin, Mao Yuuki as the DUMB AND FUNNY AND LOVEABLE AND BIG Oliver, Shidou Ryuu and Amahana Ema as the literally indistinguishable Rico and Enrico rounded out the group of sailors beautifully, and worked together to be pretty seamless comic relief. Senka’s Ema Naoki and Itsuki Chihiro both get to flex their acting chops as foils of sorts to Karl and Margit- as Veronica the barmaid sorta and Margit’s father, respectively,  and really brought and maintained some great emotional intensity to the stage. Mari Yuzumi was tragically underutilized as Margit’s mother, but worked the moments she had. Miki Chigusa had some great comedic beats as the owner of the hotel that Karl and Margit stayed at.  If you like Hiroka Yuu or Ooki Makoto, you’re in luck, they both get ten second vocal solos, and that’s more than I’d expect for them but less than they deserve. This show as a whole was a bit rough as far as good roles go- there weren’t a lot, so you might be left wanting if you’re rooting for someone in a not-main role. That said, one of the best parts about Elbe actually was hands down the life the minor role actresses were bringing to the ensemble scenes. I have never seen people have more fun or be more playful with food props. They were flirting, they were dancing, they were feasting and drinking and teasing and chasing and doing some truly bizarre miming (a microphone chicken leg for Honoka Kozakura? A steering wheel pretzel for Yuunagi Ryou?) there was one prop that only went around in SOME performances that was, and I am not exaggerating, a turkey leg as big as a large backpack that the actresses who were lucky enough to hold it dug into with abandon. The ensemble truly brought this story to life in a charming, beautiful way.

I loved Elbe. It was a beautiful choice for this troupe and a lovely send off for the graduating actresses, who got their last moments to shine onstage. The story was sweet (cliched, sure, but y’all, every story is, please.), and played so well by the cast. The music will be stuck in my head for years to come, and I’m always going to treasure the way I got to see it evolve over these three months.

ESTRELLAS~

Excuse my language- but Estrellas kicked ass. Usually I like revues with plots and throughlines (think The Entertainer or to an even greater and literal extent, Baddy), or with long spaces for comedic interlude and general mucking around (think Taiwan tour Killer Rouge)- and while Estrellas is NEITHER- it’s more of a jukebox revue than anything- it has solidly landed in my Top Favorite Revues Ever list. Initially, I was nervous. Again, this is a taidan revue, and is directed by Nakamura Satoru, who did Viva Festa- also a taidan revue, and not one that did Misaki Rion ANY sort of justice- (and personally, not a revue I love.) I went in expecting nothing and ended up with everything.

Estrellas opens with the title song, Estrellas- and it’s visually STUNNING. The costumes are blue and gold and starry, classy and cohesive in a way that I thank Jesus and also God for. Everyone looked incredible. We’re introduced to Beni, Airi, Coto, Kai, and Seocchi with little solos, and the rest of the ensemble shines brilliantly alongside them. We also get our first of two aisle sienne bits- including some actresses in the aisles on the second floor! (Elbe also had two scenes with actresses in the aisles, and I loved every bit of those.)

From there, we get Rei Makoto singing Sekai No Owari’s Starlight Parade while the set behind the curtain changes to set up for the taidansha medley. Coto is superhuman. She sings and dances and charms with a smooth ease that I can not begin to wrap my mind around. This song could be boring- it’s a solo on the bridge in front of a curtain, but Coto had the audience wrapped around her finger.  

Next up, the taidan medley- a mashup of Ken Hirai’s Pop Star, MISIA’S 僕はペガサス, and Flumpool’s 星に願いを, sung mostly by and featuring Nanami Hiroki, with other taidansha Katori Reira and Seki Yurito beautifully bringing the MISIA number to life. (Amakake Sakura is unfortunately too young to have been featured much :( ) it was a GOOD taidan number- featuring a lot of underclassmen in sweet swing dresses and suits, while Kai got to take center stage and sing some pretty pointed lyrics about making people happy and being a star, having to leave something but wishing you could stay, loving people who support you, etcetera, etcetera. 10/10 points for selection of songs, here. Kai milked every second she had for everything it was worth, turned the (effortless) charm all the way on, and did some of her languid half-dancing that you can’t even be mad at because she’s so busy throwing everyone smiles and love. It was beautiful to see. 

The upperclassmen (and like half the ken-7s) come in immediately with Tonight Is What It Means To Be Young (yes, this song.) Which features Beni smoking a cigarette, some lasers, costumes that are exclusively black fishnet, leather, or denim, out of control arena rock music, and some of the coolest high energy 80′s rock concert dance ensemble work ever (shoutout to Hiroka Yuu and Sazanami Reira who have KILLER dance solos at the start- I literally did not know they could dance like that and I really wish we could see the  upperclassmen shine like this more often.) Everyone looks hot and this number rocks.

Up next, Coto leading a 9 member boyband in Back- and this is the boyband number to end all boyband numbers. Apparently Coto doesn’t NEED to breathe while singing, even though this choregraphy is off the charts. Energetic and jumpy and intense and sharp and sexy and the woman does not lose a BEAT or a BREATH or miss a single step. To that note, NOBODY misses a step. It is, and I can not stress this enough, intense as hell. Could Coto’s reign be the beginning of top stars leading boyband numbers? I can only hope so. Next is the start of the chuuzume section- Hot Stuff featuring all the otokoyaku doing all your favorite (hot) things including, The Mouth Wipe Thing, the Fingers Through The Hair Thing, the Rubbing Your Thighs Thing, followed by Turn The Beat Around (the musumeyaku equivalent of Hot Stuff- led FLAWLESSLY by Airi), FOLLOWED BY Coto leading Sunny and strutting her stuff on the bridge while several otokoyaku/musumeyaku pairs do some Seductive Sexy Slinky duet dancing together. This goes into Beni and Airi dancing to Libertango - and this is a number that REALLY got me. It was VERY good. I don’t usually associate Beni and Airi with incredible pairwork, dancing wise, but they were both IN this. Beni’s injury she seemed to have been nursing before seems gone now, and Airi and her both are ACTING this number as they dance it (in the most gorgeous gold sequin outfits, may I add.) It was sexy and a little angry and they moved together like they have been paired forever. It’s really nice to see how far they’ve come with each other. Also, Airi can DANCE. The chuuzume could not be more Hoshigumi. It’s set to Orange Range’s チャンピオン, and it felt to me like such a celebration of what this troupe is. It made my face hurt from grinning It’s Beni rapid fire rapping and calling out and Hoshigumi responding and just PLAYING with each other, miming what Beni was calling out and teasing each other.  It was fast and funny and it just suited them all so well. The grins on everyones faces and the way this number celebrated the playfulness and friendship between these people was really really sweet to see. 

The rockette was good- not too long, and introduced by Beni with a smile and a wink. The revue starts wrapping up after the rockette. Next is a classically structured revue number I think- you know the kind of number where everyone is in matching flowy costumes, it’s all in sync and it’s dancy and it features the whole ensemble and the lyrics are about love or family? This was that（星サギの白）． More than any number, this one made me cry every time. Something about Beni and Airi finding each other and falling in love in the middle of the stage and the rest of their troupe, Kai centerstage right next to them, nudging them on with a grin reminiscent of her Kiroku in Another World  just gets me. It’s a peaceful world in this song until a group of (scorpions?) dressed in all black with a firey motif (led by Seocchi) comes on and tears everyone apart by the power of intense dance and lighting effects. The Good vs. Evil dance battle is ended by a thunderstorm brought on by Coto,  who comes up and does an (obviously stunning) solo dance and then brings everyone else back on to end the number with a 60-some strong cast filling the whole stage in sync. This song is overflowing with love. I can’t describe this number, but it’s so beyond powerful. Talk to me, I’d love to show it to you sometime.

Seocchi pops back up for a well-done original bridge solo after this, segueing into a SEXY musumeyaku dance led by Airi in a bob and a slinky silky skirt with a slit up to heaven, backed by Otoha Minori, Arisa Hitomi, Mizuno Yuri, Otosaki Itsuki, Yumeki Anru, Murasaki Rira, and Katori Reira.

It’s followed by the first REAL kuroenbi Hoshigumi has done in AGES, a sort of latin-tinged number featuring Beni, Kai, and Coto, and backed by all the otokoyaku you’ve grown to know and love (shoutout to Tenju Mitsuki for being more on it than we deserve, and Kisaragi Ren for never giving less than 4000%). This number is danced WELL, and it feels really unique to me as far as choreography goes. It was slick and it was sexy and it was intense and it was sharp- (but I’m not a Takarazuka expert. All I know is that I felt really satisfied by the whole thing.) It looks GOOD. Last up is the duet dance, (Yumeki Anru and Kozakura Honoka singing MISIA’s 逢いたくていま while Beni and Airi dance onstage). Beni and Airi just have something special. This duet dance was really nice to see- sweet and light and pure and so THEM- sometimes duet dances really fit the combi performing them and sometimes they don’t, and I’m so happy to see that this was the former. There’s no lift, there’s plenty of smiles and genuine fondness, there’s hand holding and running onto the bridge together, there’s beautiful fog and plenty of eye contact. The number ends with Beni offering Airi a hand and Airi pulling her into a hug in response, and more than once, Beni let out the softest gasp with her smile. I love Beni and Airi. I love seeing them together in their element. This duet dance is full of love, and it’s right up there with the Chigimiyu duet dance in Greatest Hits as my Favorite Duedan Ever.)

At this point, we’re at the parade. Taidansha Katori Reira is the etoile, and she reminds us with her voice what Hankyu has been sleeping on her whole time in the revue company. Things proceed as you’d expect. Kai gets her sanbante feathers (finally.) It’s all blue and white and gold and lovely. Hoshigumi is my favorite troupe in the world, and even without Kai, they’re going to remain just that (’we know, we know, you just wrote a 500 page review of one show,’ you may say, and to that, I’d say ‘yeah, and you read it, so.’)

Raku was wild. In addition to the emotions running rampant, Beni lost her voice almost entirely on the last note of Elbe and was running code red triage through all of Estrellas. The troupe more than pulled together though, supporting her and not missing a beat. (I feel bad for the taidansha though, and bad for Beni who clearly was feeling brokenhearted with the way things were going- but managed to joke about the situation, even as the combination of the situation and the fact that it’s taidan raku had her in tears.) Regardless of this though, I was inspired by how well everyone worked and the love and energy and professionalism they carried on with. The speeches were beautiful and the love was palpable and the taidansha speeches were touching. There wasn’t a dry eye in the theatre, and the sniffles could have drowned out the speeches. I felt so lucky I got to be there. <3

Overall, I give Elbe//Estrellas a 100/10 (surprise.)

I feel lucky just to have existed at the same time as this show, as this troupe, as my favorite actress. Getting to see it was a privilege, a source of so much love and happiness, and an inspiration to me. If anyone has any questions about any of it, or wants to talk about it, please don’t hesitate to reach out. If you’ve read this far (wow), thank you for reading and giving my thoughts a shot! If I could spread a fraction of the love this show has given me, I’d consider it a win in my book.

星組最高！

[bthump]

watching jojo's bizarre adventure anime adaptation and seeing how much the anime team fixed araki (the mangaka)'s bad writing makes me rlly wish that if berserk gets a proper anime adaptation whoever does it will do the same with miura's writing (and some of his art too tbh). like for example for all their faults the berserk movies did improve casca's character. what are your wants for a potential full berserk anime adaptation? (also let's hope that this is the year we finally get one 🤞)

I never finished JJBA or watched the anime so idk, but I’m curious how much they changed. Like were there big changes to the plot, or was it mostly just little minor changes to smooth over some flaws?

ty for asking, and I apologize in advance for how long this got lol.

tbh I think my ideal, if not realistic, Berserk adaptation is one that just goes ‘fuck it’ and throws out most of the story lol. Starts with Black Swordsman, ends with Femto lowering his hand and letting Guts escape - well more specifically, on this panel:

Like that is a perfect final shot imho.

(Also I might mirror it with the opening shot. Like I wouldn’t open on Guts fucking an apostle lmao, I don’t actually dislike that opening but it doesn’t fit this theoretical adaption. So how about we open on a long shot of Black Swordsman Guts surrounded by the ghosts he’s fighting, that mimics this?)

Ooh I might also… I might stick the Lost Children arc in between Snake Man and Count Slug. Ugggh there are some logistical issues to untangle there, but I really, really want Jill/Rosine Guts/Griffith parallels, and I want ghosts taunting Guts about becoming a monster like his friend. Subtlety is for cowards. Oh except we wouldn’t’ve seen Femto yet so that wouldn’t work. Well, “like him” then instead of “like your friend.” There now it’s foreshadowing 2 ways.

the climax of the story is the moment of sacrifice because there’s no Eclipse rape, Casca dies shortly after Judeau, and Guts’ horror at being sacrificed by Griffith is the emotional low point. Potentially no gtsca either if I can figure out a way to incorporate Guts’ stupid dream speech somewhere else. Maybe it can be a flashback during the Wyald fight, which I’d keep incidentally, sans attempted rape, w/ Guts talking to Erica. Actually yeah that would be perfect and immediately tie Guts’ “dream” of fighting stronger and stronger enemies with fighting monsters lol, meaning I could bypass Guts’ post Eclipse war declaration that draws that comparison more explicitly.

Boom, Berserk is now a nice little self-contained tragic story about two dudes each becoming solitary monsters because they abandoned each other for abstract dreams, and threw aside the potential for true emotional healing (relationships) for shallow coping mechanisms (swords/dreams). Uhhh, also Puck is cut. Sorry Puck, ilu but you’re a ray of hope that ruins the vibe here.

And finally since this is my ideal adaptation, the subtext between Guts and Griffith is text. They don’t actually fuck or kiss, because that would avert the Eclipse, but… hm how do you make it clear that they want to fuck but are too repressed to do it and that’s what ruins everything? Okay well Griffith’s torture chamber monologue includes “love” a la the anime dub, and maybe “desire” or “need” to completely remove that ambiguity desperately maintained in the minds of straight people. And Guts… I don’t know that I can go textual lol. The only point in the story he can possibly recognize his own feelings is chapter 71.

Ooh I got it. Just include “at that time he shone before me as something beautiful, noble, and larger than life” after the Count’s backstory lmao. Do you really need more? Well, maybe “he shone before me as something larger than life - noble, and… beautiful.” Or just cut to the chase completely: “At that time, he shone before me as something beautiful, noble, and larger-than-life. I loved him.”

OKAY all that said I feel like this wasn’t really what you’re asking lol since you mentioned a complete adaption. So okay assuming there are no huge major changes to the content or structure of the story, here’s a (stupidly long, like only read this if you for some reason enjoy seeing me ramble for days about minute details lmao) list of some more minor things I’d want to change:

I’d start with the Black Swordsman arc and continue as the manga goes. Yes, in this one Guts still fucks an apostle. This is right before the credits, and it’s depicted as badass and cool. In fact, I might actually split the scene with the credits - start the opening sequence right after Guts blows her up, and resume on this shot with more of a sombre tone:

Like okay that would be pretty cheesy lol, but this is the Black Swordsman arc. It’s supposed to be a little campy, and really unsubtle, and this seems like a fun way of highlighting this little tonal shift.

Relatedly, I would not acknowledge the fact that most people watching already know where it’s going. I would maintain the integrity of the first arc in starting off with Guts as an apparent cool badass and then tearing that down, as well as keeping Griffith’s identity and Guts’ motivation a mystery in theory, and making the Count’s backstory the climax of this arc in a revelatory sense, rather than in an action sense.

To get more general, no fanservice for straight dudes. no one’s tits are randomly out, and when they are they’re drawn realistically and subject to the laws of gravity. casca’s clothes don’t get torn all the time, rosine’s got full moth fuzz coverage, farnese is wearing a shirt when guts takes her hostage and if we need self-flagellation (and tbh I wouldn’t necessarily cut it) it can be in a flashback, etc. Oh except Slan I guess. Her whole character is fanservice so w/e I’ll allow it.

not every woman is in love with and solely motivated by a dude. skip the queen’s completely unnecessary reveal that she was in love with julius, skip casca’s “I lived my life with the intent of sacrificing myself on my unrequited feelings for griffith” bullshit, skip sonia’s crush on neogriffith, skip tf out of schierke’s crush on guts, skip the random period of incest-y bdsm-y vibes in Farnese and Serpico’s backstory that adds nothing lol, skip the suggestions that Farnese is jealous of Casca’s history with Guts, etc

also most sexual assault scenes are cut. Casca is running for her life during the 100 man fight, not from attempted rapists. Wyald does not assault Casca, Farnese is not almost raped by a fucking horse, we chill out a bit on the sexual torture in every bg scene during the conviction arc jfc, Casca’s multiple assaults during that arc are cut, troll rape is cut, you get the point.

I’ll keep Adon’s shitty threats tho bc i feel like some violent misogyny is necessary if i’m not changing everything, but I’d completely lose the comic relief vibe he gets and make Casca’s fight with him properly epic and satisfying. The movie did this a bit better imo, but I’d really remove Adon’s whole boastful loser schtick. That might disappoint some fans, but idc Casca deserves to kill someone who is actually kind of a badass.

There’s a lot of bullshit around gtsca that I’m torn between wanting to cut, and instead wanting to just depict very negatively. Like would it be better if instead of Casca shyly asking Guts how she looks in a dress she just complained about the dress being uncomfortable, ie we completely cut that burgeoning “soft side” bs?

Or would it be better if she still asked him how she looks, then we call back to that moment when she gets awkward about her scars before sex, we keep Judeau musing on how she’s showing a soft side, we call back to that when he tells Guts to save her from leadership, we tie it all together when Guts asks Casca to leave with him, and bring it home by making it abundantly clear that Casca moving from being Griffith’s sword to Guts’ sword is not a positive change.

Like highlight everything negative about it - Guts being a huge dick, the ominous undertone when he invites her along (like cue the creepy cello music when they kiss right before we shift to monsters and behelits lol), all the parallels between him and Griffith wrt their dreams, Guts telling Casca to fuck off while he fights Wyald, maybe even add a moment where Casca actually reflects on how she’s left out of all the dream/equals bullshit and what that says about their priorities and how they see her. Might be a nice lead up to her telling Guts to leave to pursue his dream and be Griffith’s equal.

also maybe show that judeau is wrong about casca being better off away from the hawks? ugh there’s so much that would have to be reworked with her narrative. like if she still has to attempt suicide, again can we ditch the lead up about how it’s because she has an unrequited crush on griffith and just keep it about the fact that she hasn’t slept in a week and she’s on the run and her hawks keep dying and griffith is being tortured and she just stabbed guts and she’s had a very difficult year?

and like, maybe she leapt to accept Guts’ ‘come with me’ offer because she’s exhausted and emotionally overwhelmed, but are you kidding me? While Guts gets an entire narrative arc about abandoning his found family, Casca doesn’t even think about it for a moment before agreeing to ditch them? Can we maybe have some indication about how she feels about the Hawks as a family, maybe some reflection about why she would choose to leave, maybe some second thoughts about it after the Wyald fight when it becomes abundantly clear what her role would be while Guts pursues his dream, like god she’s such a pawn of the narrative, I hate it. Give her some real reasons for doing stuff!

ANYWAY moving on

like the movie, I’d give charlotte more agency in the sex scene w/ griffith, I liked her asking him to stay and moving his hand to her tit herself. I probably would not actually make griffith so out of it though - i enjoyed that in the movie but I don’t necessarily consider it in-character. The way he went from literally crying in the rain to smiling and making charming jokes as soon as Charlotte opened the window in the manga honestly makes perfect sense to me lol. Just uh, make Charlotte into it from the start because there’s zero reason for her not to be other than bad misogynistic cliches?

Also I feel like there’s a balance to be struck between depicting het sex as dude sticks his dick in, woman somehow has a good time a la the manga vs making guts and griffith competent at foreplay and oral a la the movies lol. Like maybe depict the sex scenes as the bad sex they are but Charlotte still feels closer to Griffith afterwards despite not coming from a dude fucking her while thinking about another dude and like, just keep Casca telling Guts he was obviously a virgin afterwards lol.

I guess we’re stuck with the Eclipse rape, but it happens mostly off screen and in close, telling but non-explicit details, like yk, big clawed hand holding a wrist, Casca’s eyes squeezed shut, Femto’s hand on the small of her back (I’m thinking a reversed call back to the wagon scene w/ that to suggest Femto’s motivation being a show of power tbqh). Some would be from Casca’s pov, with maybe one brief moment from Guts’ pov as he loses an eye or something. Keep the movie’s visual reference to Griffith saving her. No pornographic angles. No apostle rape prelude to it. Casca doesn’t have an orgasm. Femto doesn’t stare at Guts. It’s not about Guts at all for either of them, it’s about Femto taking Griffith’s fucked up relationship to sex and expressing it monstrously, and it’s about Casca being betrayed and symbolically negating the agency she fought for since Griffith threw her a sword. Guts’ reaction is horror and fear, not manly heroic outrage. He might still rip off his arm to attack Femto, but that would be because that’s always his reaction to whatever scares him, not for Casca’s sake. Might have to contextualize that with flashbacks to his childhood, or at the very least strong visual parallels to both his childhood and the Zodd + Wyald fights.

I want to cut the fetus, replace it with like a cronenburg-y fucked up dog-like demon in the Black Swordsman arc - not as a literal version of the Beast of Darkness, but just as a metaphor for how Guts’ inner darkness is twisting him into a pathetic asshole lol. But tbh cutting the fetus is a logistical nightmare because Casca needs magic protection during the Conviction arc. So idk. But NGriff doesn’t need it, and his narrative would be more engaging without that scapegoat. Fuck emotional ambiguity, I just want to drop the news that NGriff has feelings, and then not change anything else about his narrative. The themes of isolation and loneliness threaded throughout would just shine through lol it would be great.

I would emphasize the shit out of the Beast of Darkness/Femto parallels. Yeah Guts would still assault Casca in my adaption too. If the Eclipse rape happens, that has to happen because the point is that Guts’ inner darkness is the same. But like, I’d cut the page where beast of darkness guts bites her head off while raping her. Also I’d keep the visual parallel to the Eclipse rape (the v similarly depicted kisses) and add another from Casca’s point of view, or have her flashback then instead of just staying in Guts’ head.

as for the fallout, I’d give Guts a proper scene where he sees himself as a monster, like damn he got more of a self-reflective and telling reaction that time he accidentally killed a random kid, we should get something when he sexually assaults Casca. but overall I’d focus way more on Casca being afraid of him now rather than his mopey guilt. I would also… I mean god this should be addressed in the fact that Guts fucking wears the Berserk armour all the time lol. Like one second he’s all, “omg Flora can put a magic seal on my brand that’ll depower my magical evil jiminy cricket wolf and hopefully prevent me from raping and murdering Casca, that’s great!” and the next second he’s all, “omg magic armour I can wear that will enable me to kill everything with the side effect of superpowering my inner evil wolf and turning on my companions? sign me the fuck up I’m sure nothing bad could possibly happen with that.”

Like what I’m saying is I’d either make Guts a lot more reluctant to use the armour and take Skull Knight’s warnings seriously and genuinely reflect on the fact that mysterious magical children have to prevent him from murdering his friends over and over again, or I’d draw attention to this idiocy and fully commit to Guts as a dumbass hypocrite blithely walking down the path to more tragedy of his own making. and probably the latter based on where the story is likely to be headed lol.

in the lost children arc, I’d give Rosine’s mother more of a role as a good parent who Rosine has a loving relationship with, who tried and failed to stop her father’s abuse or something, because honestly I love the Peekaf story and I find Rosine’s regret at the end as she tries to fly home v powerful, but I hate the idea that she regrets sacrificing her abusive father so maybe this way I can split the difference.

and Jill’s ending where she goes home to endure abuse would be depicted much more darkly.

like straight up I’d depict Jill flying with Rosine as a truly beautiful moment, I would show that Jill has the potential to fulfill Rosine in a way her neverland kidnapping bullshit can’t and that yes, if Jill stayed with Rosine everything might actually work out and with Jill’s influence the whole land of the elves thing could be reworked into less of a nightmare and more of a haven lol. And Guts would absolutely be depicted as fully monstrous in comparison, ruining both these kids’ lives. Like, no ambiguity, no suggestion that Jill learned an important lesson about living with abuse lmao, no implication that Rosine brought her tragic end on herself by not being a good enough child abuse victim, just Guts sowing tragedy wherever he goes.

I have no idea how to deal with the conviction arc in general lol, specifically the ultra cynical tone the actual narrative seems to take. Like, the Black Swordsman arc was idealistic compared to the Conviction arc, they clash badly imo. Extremely badly. Like it’s a giant mess. It’s like

Black Swordsman Guts: fuck everyone who dies because they weren’t strong enough to deal with my existence. *turns and wipes away a tear* *lets a zombie kid stab him* *evokes pity from puck*Conviction Guts: fuck everyone who dies because they weren’t strong enough to deal with my existence. *poses with his sword in one hand and the rescued love interest in the other* *the crowd cheers* *luca nods sagely*

yk it’s just… awkward. It’s hard to mitigate through like, film choices yk, because a lot of it is due to the circumstances. Guts telling Puck innocent people are just ants under his feet is much different than Guts refusing to let the big bad kill Casca by telling him that tens of thousands of people can and should die because they pray too much lmao, no matter what music plays in the background. Guts’ attitude is the same, the narrative’s attitude is contradictory.

Maybe I could make Guts less of a dick and cut a lot of those cynical moments? Not really call attention to the fact that Guts is effectively sacrificing tens of thousands of refugees for Casca, or more accurately, for his own desire to feel like a hero since he isn’t even the one who saves Casca, he got distracted trying to fight the fake Godhand.

Or lol maybe I’ll just have Isidro point that out in like, a smug way. Maybe I’ll have NeoGriffith personally thank him for his contribution to his resurrection. I mean I really want to call this questionable shit into question, yk? Not to declare Guts wrong for wanting to save Casca, but to declare his cavalier idgaf attitude a big problem that has consequences. Which would actually tie in nicely with emphasizing Guts’ dumbassery in brushing off Skull Knight’s warnings about the armour and insisting it’s nbd. lol I really hope this is what Miura’s going for, just more subtlely.

Actually I wonder if I could get away with cutting Isidro out entirely. Anyone could’ve saved Casca there.

Oh I’d cut the hell out of a lot of Guts’ fight scenes in the MF arc, and if I could possibly get away with it I’d cut out everything on the beach after Skull Knight’s ominous warning. Like this might end up being the Griffith show for a while because Guts’ half is a fucking slog. And of course I’d cut the entire boat trip. They get on a boat, they get off a boat, the end.

Okay I need to stop somewhere. I’m ignoring a lot of later stuff because it’s so dependent on where the story’s going now that Casca is awake etc. Like eg the Moonlight Boy. Can I cut him? Give him a more ominous tone? Emphasize the saccharine tone he evokes for the sake of pulling the rug out from under the audience later? Will I be forced to make huge changes anyway because I can’t stand where the story ended up going? Idk it depends.

If I could tho I’d definitely cut Magnifico, Isidro, Ivalera, mermaid… like Farnese, Serpico, and Schierke are the only characters on Guts’ side who contribute to the story in a meaningful way. And without Isidro Puck could again too.

Oooh yk one thing that might be nice would be framing Farnese as the main protagonist of Guts’ half of the story during the MF arc. Just focus on her, show more stuff from her perspective, cut down a lot of fights but keep her digression back home, maybe give her some additional content that explores her character shift better, show her struggling more with her own inner darkness a bit when she first joins and give her some character beats as she slowly grows more comfortable with Casca, maybe put her backstory chapters in the first episode of a new season (a great season ender would be Guts walking away from the Hill of Swords js), etc.

lmao god I feel like I could keep going forever. sorry this is so meandering but ty for giving me the opportunity to go on and on about this. Is there anything you’d really like to change yourself?

[giroshane]

Can I ask all the muse questions for Odell, shadow of my heart?

Yes you can. and then I can proceed to waste my WHOLEASS NIGHT doing all twelve tests. Because i make poor life choices. But at least we both know a whole lot about Odell now. Under the cut because twelve tests jesus.

I will say, some of these are very context dependent and like….idk, not wholly who Odell is? Like, he was trapped in a cave for 200 years. That does things to a fellow’s psyche. I tried to answer from the personality/perspective he’d have in Rattlensake Chronicles (book 1): newly released and sort of…rediscovering everything about life.

🔮 to see my muse’s Meyer-Briggs Result

ISFJ - The DefenderI would say this is pretty accurate. The only thing I would say is that while the site notes the Defender has a resistance for change, Odell very much does not. He likes to have plans and structure, but he craves variety and is not stuck in his ways. He can change, he just has to plan for it. Unless a cute guy who wandered into your cave accidentally summons you into a high-octane combat situation, in which case you have to improvise and it’s very wild

🧠to see my muse’s Enneagram Result 

Type 9: I must maintain peace/calm to survive.

Also accurate. A lot of Odell’s personal conflict comes from the fact that he often doubts his own sanity, and is somewhat afraid to confront his own negative emotions. He has a very “fake it til you make it” mentality where he believes if he just smiles and waves he’ll eventually be fine.

 🧙 to see my muse’s Hogwarts House Result 

Hufflepuff

No surprise at all! Hufflepuff fits Odell to a T. Hard-working, loyal, and caring. A perfect steadfast friend to Si (I also took the test for him bc why not???), a hardheaded Gryffindor (also no surprise).

 ⭐to see my muse’s Homestuck ‘True Sign’Lime Blood, Derse Dreamer, Blood Aspect

AAAAAGGG making me go back to my good good Homestuck days. I used to make all my characters into God Tiers bc i loved it so much. I think the reasoning behind the Derse dreamer is sound enough, though Odell is a bit more optimistic and patient like a Prospit dreamer. He doesn’t really have a “birthdate” so I chose one kind of trivially?? I watched the Sailor J zodiac video and picked the once which fit the best which was Cancer, lmao rip Odell so the Lime-blood thing is kind of okay, but not a perfect match. I didn’t peg Odell as a Blood aspect at all! I honestly think he’s more of a Doom aspect. He cares about his bonds with other, but…idk, it’s not everything. This is probably the one that I think is the least accurate of the bunch.

 🎨to see what famous work of art my muse is.

Well first off, funny. But, not very accurate at all. He does contain multitudes of dicks and he does give advice sometimes! but that’s…kinda it. Second off I have a painting that fits Odell, though I don’t think it’s necessarily “famous” but it’s very lovely imo.

PSYCH i can’t fucking find it lmao rip me. if i find it ill send it bc hhh its v pretty.

 🎉to find out what role my muse plays in a friend group

Haha yeah. Maybe not necessarily “been there done that” but definitely no fucks given. I didn’t take this for Si but I guarantee he’s the Mom friend. He’s the only one allowed to be the disaster, guys! Meanwhile Odell’s just sipping tea like “I mean don’t kill yourself but like also perish, but like, metaphorically. Have fun.” 

 ☯️to see my muse’s psychological archetype

Archetype 2: The Lover/Magician

All about love and change! Yup! Odell is a Big Soft at heart.

 🎭to find out which of The Four Temperaments my muse is

Sanguine

Pleasure-seeking, sociable, and creative, but still needs to have time alone–check, check, check! Only thing wrong is that Odell is forgetful/prone to abandoning boring tasks–he’s persistent! If he picks up a task he will see it through, pleasure be damned.

 💟to find out what kind of ‘dere’ my muse is

I have no idea what this means! But yeah, Odell is Big Soft, so!

 ⚔️ to find out what my muse’s moral alignment is.

Neutral Good

Oh, yeah, no doubt. Not a full-blown anarchist, but post-cave he definitely has issues with authority and will stick to his own code (which is a code of mostly moral good). He’ll work with authority he deems…responsible, but I he’ll never be subjugate to it. Not willingly.

 😈 to find out which Disney Villain my muse is

I took this quiz for Si and he also got Maleficent. I took this quiz for myself and also got Maleficent. I’m not sure if this says something about the validity of the quiz or something about how much I put myself into my characters. Mayhaps both. Either way….cool? And yeah, I guess it’s accurate, for Odell at least. I’d go for a more ineffectual buffoon pirate captain kind of vibe myself lmao

 💖 to find out what my muse’s Love Language scores are

Words of Affirmation

Of fucking course!! Man had nothing but his own voice for 200 years!! Was a warlock familiar before that! Hearing positive words from someone else is everything!!! Especially for someone who doubts his own sanity!!!! 

It’s closely followed by Physical Contact, which, YEAH DUH FOR ALL THE SAME REASONS!!

It’s almost 3am. treasure this information, rory. Treasure it

[louiseblue1]

Can you list the times since they got together in 323 that Oliver has put Felicity first and prioritised her needs over everything else please?

Hi @queenpartyoftwo , the tone of your ask sounds like you’re less than impressed by Oliver as a romantic partner for Felicity. I may be reading that wrong (the written word can be tricky like that) so apologies if I am. 

I think Oliver has prioritised Felicity’s needs over time in their relationship. When she told him that they were over, he respected her right to see other people, even though it was clearly hard on him and he could have made it hard on her too. He put her need for distance above his need for closeness with her. For a long time. He returned to Star City in 401 even though he didn’t want to and yes, it was to help the city, but it was also because he knew Felicity wanted to return to that life. Oliver didn’t. 

He was incredibly supportive after her shooting, and yes, yes, I know the William lie thing - it was just shoehorned in there and never really fit the rest of the narrative. There was a reason why so many people reacted negatively to it and it just wasn’t because we needed Olicity to be together - it was bad storytelling. But that bit of clunky writing aside, Oliver put a lot of work into being attentive and giving Felicity whatever she needed during her recovery... not letting her resort to defence mechanisms like humour, even though I’m sure he’d have loved to think they were all just getting back to normal. He was very emotionally brave with her when she was in the wheelchair and that’s another reason why it was so jarring when he was doing the lying thing at the same time. Oliver also refused to let her go and save himself when they were hanging onto each other in that elevator shaft. He’d rather have died with her than even entertain the thought of letting her go. 

Oliver never cheated on Felicity. Never even looked like he was, and yes, I don’t think anyone should be given a gold star for fidelity, that should be understood in a relationship that was agreed to be monogamous.  But Oliver had a history of cheating - it’s how he coped with his insecurities and demons, even before the island. When things got tough, he turned to other women to distract him, kill the pain and fear he was feeling. Not with Felicity. Again, I’m not saying we should organise a parade for what amounts to being a decent human being, but it does speak to him priortising his old coping mechanisms over his desire to not hurt Felicity. He couldn’t manage that with LL, even though I think he did deeply love her at the time. Oliver’s instincts to run and kill pain with sex overcame him and he couldn’t find the strength to put LL and their relationship first over that need. 

So, there were many examples of Oliver putting Felicity’s needs first over his own IMO. But in saying that, I’m not for one moment suggesting Oliver was a perfect boyfriend. Heck, there were times when he wasn’t even a good friend. The same could be said for Felicity. This guy is a big old PTSD mess carrying survivor’s guilt and so many demons he could rent them out to folks looking to start their own personal hell. Oliver has been deeply damaged for all the time Felicity has known him. She’s been damaged as well from the abandonment of her father and then all the horrors that have come her way in the last 5 years. These two were far from being in any kind of emotional and psychological state to actually be good partners. 

It’s only now that they’re at a stage where they’re communicating in a truly honest way. It’s not that they didn’t want to before, they just weren’t properly equipped. Now, they are. But they’re still human. They’re still going to make bad calls, be bad partners, be bad friends. Being in love doesn’t perfect us into being all things to our partner at all times. Oliver will screw up with Felicity again, disappoint her, hurt her... and I have no doubt Felicity will do the same with Oliver. That’s why I love their love story because it’s about two very imperfect people working together to build a life together and learning how to tell each other what they need and let the other person know when they’ve failed them but still be able to build a way forward. 

But honestly, the biggest reason that Oliver hasn’t always put Felicity first is that that is the lot of a hero. There is a reason a lot of superheroes never marry or have long-term partners - at some point, the life they’ve chosen is going to have to take precedence over the ones that they love. Oliver will not always be able to put Felicity first because he’s chosen a life much bigger than their relationship. The same will go for Felicity. They have chosen to fight for those who can’t fight for themselves and sometimes that will be instead of fighting for the ones they love. Not all the time but it’s something all heroes have to address - that balance between the private and the public life. It’s what every serviceman and woman has to deal with when they leave their family behind to go to foreign soil to fight. Is that putting their families first? Or is it serving a greater good that is bigger than just their family? There are no easy answers for a life given in service. Sacrifices have to be made. That’s how you earn the title of hero. Oliver and Felicity will, at times, consistently put others in front of their relationship and that is something they’re going to have to work on and forge a path through that reality together. 

And that’s something I enjoy watching, people being very imperfect but not giving up and continuing to fight for one another and for themselves. :D

[scheduledfordeletion]

Since we’ve spent the last 2 years in this limbo between The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi, I wanted to write up my hopes/predictions. It’s our last chance before we know what happens! We’ll never be back in this situation, which is strange and exciting. So…

1. Rey isn’t a Skywalker, but I also hope she isn’t related to anybody we know, or anybody important. I’m so tired of the obsession over her parentage… I honestly didn’t even think about it once I left the cinema after TFA? The film only dwells on the action of Rey being abandoned, not on who specifically abandoned her. People seem to care about it for one of two reasons – her strength in the force needs an explanation, and for potential story reasons in her relation to another character. The film is called The Force Awakens, not The Force is Descended From Another Character From The OT… lmao… we have Kylo Ren as that character, as the Skywalker, and Rey’s stance as a nobody works as a really nice foil to that. Why does she have to be related to anybody important to find greatness? If she is related to Luke, this film had better have one good explanation as to why he abandoned her like that. If she’s a Skywalker it’s as much of an insult to Luke as it is to Rey, imo. I’m comforted by interviews saying that “Rey’s reaction to her parentage is more important than the information itself”, because it’s only really needed as closure for Rey herself. The plot, and the audience, doesn’t need the information. The only idea I’ve seen thrown around that I actually like is that her parents were Empire or First Order officers, perhaps stranded after the Battle of Jakku. That gives her a nice parallel to Kylo, again, as well as some personal investment in finding out that her family was attached to a group of people that’s had a directly negative impact on her.

2. Rey’s crisis of faith doesn’t lead to her falling to the dark side. Not entirely, at least – I’m into the idea of her feeling lost and disillusioned, but going for more of a stance that’s unattached to either the Resistance or the First Order. In terms of her and Kylo, I’d be happy if the film ended with them both in that kind of position. He’s not gonna be running back to his family, but I want him to see how Snoke is using him and also be in this grey area. That gives a good timeline for a redemption arc in Episode IX, too!

3. Luke doesn’t die. Don’t fuckin’ @ me, if I have to watch Luke Skywalker die on the big screen with my own two eyes, I’m done. (Honestly I just feel as though it’s too obvious, with the title, and with Han’s death in the previous film. While I don’t think the lack of Leia in the next film really influenced anything in TLJ in post, the fact that Episode IX was going to be her film leads me to think that they weren’t going to off her brother so soon? Also she deserves better, she’s lost too much, let her keep her idiot brother)

4. I wanna see Luke’s lightsaber. I don’t care if he gets a fight scene or not, but his green lightsaber from RotJ is my favourite in the whole franchise! Let me see it!

5. I think I want someone’s hand to get cut off? I don’t think we really need too many parallels between trilogies at this point, but it would be a nice nod, honestly… I guess Kylo would be the top billing for that, being the Skywalker.

6. I want Luke… to get a haircut… Mark Hamill has been looking so god damn slim and stylish recently, please let Luke return to his throne of Yes My Mother Was Queen Amidala And These Boots Are Gucci

7. Some characters are gonna end up dying, but… I hope it’s not any main characters. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if Paige dies not long after she’s introduced, but I can’t see any other main characters being killed off? Phasma, maybe? Like, I HOPE NOT, but I could live with it. Leia, absolutely not. She wasn’t planned on being killed off and they’re not so tactless to edit that into this film after Carrie’s passing.

8. All in all, the one scene I want to see the most in this film is Luke and Leia reuniting. For obvious reasons, with Carrie and all, but also since their relationship was dropped so late into the original films, we’ve never seen their sibling dynamic on screen before! That’s a lot of room for emotion as well as humour, honestly.

[bthump]

My Big Gay Berserk Analysis 3

Casca’s Role

Part One Part Two

In this post I’m going to discuss how Casca’s narrative role as a love interest overlaps with her narrative role as a substitute for Griffith, how those roles ultimately serve the main story that is the love/hate relationship between Guts and Griffith, and how Miura utilizes her as an emotional/sexual conduit between the two while also conveniently no-homoing them. Plus some additional straightforward stuff on Guts and his crush on Griffith here and there.

Advance warning: this is long. Looooooong. Also be warned that I do touch on the hound and the Eclipse, but only in one section of this post.

I also want to make clear upfront that I love Casca but I dislike the Guts/Casca romance subplot, for many reasons including my general dislike of most het, Guts’ awful treatment of her, and the sense I get that she’s been inserted as a buffer between Guts and Griffith, but mostly because I think the romance was added almost entirely to set up the destruction of Casca as a character for the sake of Guts’ manpain.

So yeah going in you should be aware that this is Guts/Casca negative. I don’t consider their romantic feelings for each other a valuable part of Berserk, and I spend a lot of time calling the legitimacy of those feelings into question. If that sounds like it’ll piss you off but you still want more Guts/Griffith content, you can totally just skip to part 4 without missing any necessary information for that part.

Ok that said, let’s get into it.

We’ll go back to the Golden Age eventually but I’m going to jump ahead first and start at chapter 130, during Guts’ night of self-reflection after he returns to Godo’s cave and finds Casca missing.

Guts is basically having an internal debate about whether or not his revenge rampage was worth abandoning Casca. He eventually emphatically concludes that it was in fact not worth it and he fucked right up when he draws this connection:

Again again again again. I’m starting here because it’s one of the most clear and straightforward examples of Guts viewing Casca as a replacement for Griffith. The connection is drawn explicitly - he considers abandoning Casca to be the equivalent of abandoning Griffith and drawing that parallel is what motivates him to save her.

But despite wanting to start atoning for past mistakes, he still intends to abandon her in a cave again after he gets her back.

“Actually, I only half mean it.”

Cue this #iconic page:

Now I talk about this page all the damn time because of how off the charts gay it is, but more importantly right now is that it draws a strong contrast between Casca and Griffith. It begins with “Just as I got her back... no, in the middle of swinging my sword to get her back...”

In the middle of getting her back... he... saw him. By framing Griffith’s appearance as an interruption that rips his attention away from rescuing Casca, Guts expresses the feeling that he’s torn between them. And of course he is, we see this throughout the rest of the manga, in his internal struggle not to toss Casca aside (or worse) and run after Griffith to, “give him... a heap of raw iron.”

We also see this inner conflict during NeoGriffith’s appearance when this happens:

But as of right now, Griffith has won the fight for Guts’ attention.

Guts’ half truth, as far as I can tell, is that he’s going to help make Godo’s cave a little homier and then take off again after Griffith.

As we saw in chapter 130 he decided to dedicate himself to getting Casca back, and we can assume that he fully intended to give up his revenge quest at that point. Godo tore him a new one over abandoning her to fight monsters, Guts realized he’s been being a dick, and he’s figured that maybe staying and helping take care of Casca is a better way of dealing with his issues than going back on a rampage, especially since last time he saw Femto he couldn’t even come close to touching him.

But then Skull Knight tells him the Godhand are going to be around, there’s going to be another version of the Eclipse, and we see Guts conflicted again:

Anyway Isidro ultimately saves Casca, she and Guts are reunited, and Griffith appears. Maybe Guts’ original plan was to stay with Casca and forget revenge, but now Griffith is reachable, he’s on the same plane of existence, and to top it all off, he’s hot again!

And no I’m not joking, I absolutely think that Guts’ sexual attraction to Griffith is, for the first time since Promrose Hall, being clearly visually conveyed again. I already posted that iconic page in which Guts pictures Griffith’s ass and gets distracted from revenge, but there’s more where that came from.

Griffith's sexiness is genuinely an important plot and thematic point lol, but it’s Guts eyes we’re shown that through, and holy shit does his gaze get a lot of attention in this scene. And why? Because Griffith’s reachable again. When he’s monstrous and demonic he’s out of reach on a whole nother plane of existence and shown as distant and untouchable:

When he’s incarnated as a physical being again he’s said to be “the desired,” he’s so beautiful no one can shut up about it, and imo Guts’ temptation to pursue him now that he’s “where [his] sword can reach,” is tied to the sexual temptation on display here.

Basically, while he’s certainly not intending to pursue Griffith so he can literally fuck him, there are blatant sexual undertones to his desire for revenge that ramp up hard and fast real soon, and they start with Griffith’s sexy as fuck rebirth.

And to elaborate on how the depiction of Griffith is a huge contrast here to the depiction of Casca:

Casca is shown at her least sexualized. She’s wrapped in a shapeless cloak and mirroring Erika, depicted as utterly childlike.

And this is Griffith:

Griffith is the temptation, he’s the one Guts wants to pursue, and Casca is the responsibility, and this is shown loud and clear through Griffith’s intense desirability and Guts’ enthrallment at the sight of him vs Casca’s desexualized childishness.

As for the Hill of Swords reunion

“More like someone out of a fairytale.”

Not overly relevant but it’s a fun detail that “He was so pretty” is on Guts’ face while “someone out of a fairytale” is on Griffith’s image.

That sound - like Griffith’s apparent acknowledgement, at long last, is a physical blow. Love it.

But of course then Griffith’s like, I came to see you to test my capacity for emotion, and it looks like this whole emotionless demon thing was a success. And this is Guts’ reaction - not rage, or at least, not solely rage, but so much hurt too:

Look at those sad eyebrows man. This scene thoroughly shows us how emotionally conflicted and confused Guts is. He’s angry, he’s hurt, he’s full of longing both for revenge and for “the way he he used to be,” and after everything he still wants acknowledgement, he still wants Griffith to look at him.

“I’ll not betray my dream. That is all.”

And it’s now that Guts finally attacks. So far he’s let Rickert hold him back, then shoved him away only to scream “you don’t feel anything?!” instead of rushing him. But when NeoGriff tells Guts in no uncertain terms that his dream is not only more important, but his sole priority, Guts snaps.

I do think it’s really easy to read this scene as Guts looking for a hint that Griffith still cares about him, along with the hope that he feels regret for what he’s done. Guts had a lot of misconceptions about Griffith’s feelings, but by the time of the Eclipse he’d realized that Griffith loved him - he’d left to seek something (love and respect and affection, friendship and equality) he already had and, in leaving, lost it.

Scroll back up to that first picture I posted, he says it right there: “Did I lose something before I even noticed it again?! Without even realizing I’d thrown it from the palm of my hand!” There’s a small part of him that was still hoping, now that Griffith is un-demonized, that his heart and his love had returned with his human body, that it’s not lost forever. But in declaring that he’s free, NeoGriffith shoots that hope down.

Anyway big fight, cave collapses, Griffith’s heart starts doing shit unbeknownst to Guts, he mysteriously saves Casca and takes off, and Guts

says he won’t abandon Casca again and decides to escort her to Elfhelm, with his dickish reluctance handily pointed out by Decent Person Puck lol.

Now look at this shit:

“Weren’t those Godo’s parting words?” Says Guts to Rickert to convince him to stay with Erika.

“You should have known. This is the man I am.”

Don’t abandon what you can’t replace. He finally learned that lesson when he compared abandoning Casca to abandoning Griffith. He frames his choice to stay with Casca as making up for it. Guts once deserted Griffith, now Griffith has deserted him, so he’s promising not to desert Casca. Given that Guts’ mind is solely on deserting and being deserted by Griffith, as opposed to that time when he left Casca in a cave for two years and she wandered off, “I won’t desert you anymore. This time... I won’t lose you,” is given a double meaning of applying to Casca while also referencing losing Griffith.

But what’s with that interlude up there of Guts remembering Griffith saving Casca? The man Guts “knows” NeoGriffith is, the man who dgaf about anything except his dream, isn’t the man who would randomly decide to save Casca from falling rocks. Guts is shown thinking about that apparent contradiction immediately before “I won’t leave you behind. I won’t... desert you anymore.”

Taken all together, to me this scene comes across as so utterly Griffith centric that it makes Casca feel like an afterthought, conveniently there so Guts can take some form of action in response to his extremely Griffith-centred emotions.

Guts charlie brown walks away because Griffith “deserted” him. Guts draws a comparison between abandoning Griffith and abandoning Casca, and being abandoned by NeoGriffith and refusing to abandon Casca. Guts remembers NeoGriffith saying he knows what kind of man he is right before recalling him saving Casca.

Then he declares he won’t desert her again - and I have to wonder if part of what gives him the willpower to take a break from his revenge quest despite NeoGriffith residing so temptingly in his plane of existence now is the ambiguity of NeoGriffith’s actions here, casting “the kind of man” he is now into doubt and deflating Guts’ rage boner the same way he says seeing NeoGriffith looking “so human... the way he used to be” makes him forget his “urge to kill.” It hardly seems like a stretch given how much of Guts’ decision here is explicitly shown to be about Griffith.

So far, post-Eclipse, Casca’s been treated as a prop for Guts’ internal conflict between revenge and not being a dick - a symbol of his lingering humanity. She exists to be put into peril so Guts can decide to save her and then waver between her and Griffith. She’s the poster girl for failing to pass the sexy lamp test. It’s real depressing, and it’s about to get worse.

Enter Beast of Darkness.

Now we’re at the really bad shit, but also the actual most explicit verbal suggestion of Guts’ sexual attraction to Griffith, so it’s impossible to skip in a post on the topic. Plus there’s no point pretending that Casca isn’t done incredibly dirty by both the narrative and Guts.

It’s important to understand that the Hound is Guts. It’s not an evil malicious spirit trying to manipulate and possess Guts (which I have seen suggested before), it’s simply Guts’ dark emotions given substance. Just on the off chance this statement requires support for you, here’s a post on the subject. This scene is pretty much Guts arguing with his id.

And the way it’s framed with “dreams of him?” “let’s go to him” coming first on the image of an eager, excited puppy, followed by the teeth and “heap of raw iron” feels so deliberate to me. Guts wants violent revenge but it’s a feeling complicated by the fact that he loved Griffith, that he once strove to be his equal, to be considered his friend, and now he strives to kill him.

Like Guts facing Femto in the Black Swordsman arc, like Guts pleading for a shred of regret from NeoGriffith, there’s still an element of Guts wanting Griffith’s acknowledgement here.

More direct comparisons between Casca and Griffith and how Guts feels about them. Who’s more precious, your love interest or your arch nemesis?

And I’m not here to say that Guts doesn’t care for Casca and only cares about Griffith. As this scene shows, he’s torn between them, but he’s chosen Casca now, and he’s trying to get his doubts and his rage and his suppressed attraction to Griffith that’s now coming to the surface, coloured by hate, to shut the fuck up. But these are his own doubts.

“The wound Griffith left, because you want to keep feeling the pain he caused you?” Okay, certainly an eyebrow raising description here but all right, this is about Guts’ motivation to kill Griffith. The Hound is suggesting he values Casca only as fuel for his rage. Which certainly seems like a relevant suggestion after Guts’ “I'd forgotten my urge to kill. And that... can’t be.” His rage needs fuel. So while that’s surely not all there is to his feelings for Casca, the Hound isn’t making shit up. Again, this is essentially Guts internally debating what his true motivations are.

Longing. Hell of a word choice. Granted I can’t double check the translation with others because I’m incapable of tracking down old raws (tho I did a cursory search on skullknight.net to see if anyone had criticized the translation of this scene and didn’t find anything) but this is such a boldly romanticized choice of phrasing that I feel it’s safe to assume the undertones are there in the original Japanese. You don’t accidentally describe someone’s urge to kill a dude as “longing” for him. That’s a blatantly deliberate double entendre.

And on top of that it fits right in with the Hound’s first eager, excited words to Guts in this scene. Again, it’s an illustration that Guts’ vengeful feelings are complex, and intertwined with his original feelings for Griffith.

And then the Hound tells Guts to rape Casca so he can get closer to Griffith and I throw up my hands.

There’s so much innuendo and homoeroticism in the lead up to this (including earlier, w/ Griffith’s sexy rebirth scene and the reunion on the Hill of Swords, ft Guts thinking about Griffith’s ass), and then this scene just doubles down as hard as possible. “Let’s give him... a heap of raw iron,” “because you want to keep feeling the pain he caused you,” “she’s a sacrifice so you can continue longing for Griffith,” “you’ll get closer and closer to Griffith.” The innuendo in this scene makes it one of the most homoerotic scenes in the manga.

Like, tl;dr Guts’ vengeful pursuit of Griffith is tied so thoroughly to sex in this nightmare that tbh I have a hard time calling this subtext.

And while it is absolutely homophobic for one of the gayest scenes in the manga to basically tie Guts’ desire for Griffith to his desire for revenge and a suggestion to rape and kill Casca, it’s also worth noting that this isn’t exactly Guts’ desire for revenge being given a dark sexual element.

This is the Beast of Darkness using Guts’ pre-existing desire for Griffith to try to tempt him into sticking a sword in him. Still fucked up, obviously, but it’s at least deeper and more interesting than the alternative.

The earlier parallels I described, Guts comparing leaving Griffith and leaving Casca, etc, draw an emotional connection between Guts and Griffith through Casca as, essentially, a bridge. Guts is assuaging his desire to go back and fix his mistakes by replacing Griffith with Casca and refusing to leave her. Casca has become an outlet for Guts’ feelings about missed opportunities with Griffith.

This chapter draws a very direct sexual connection between Guts and Griffith through Casca as a bridge. By raping the woman Femto raped, Guts can get closer to him.

And it is, of course, not the first time the manga has done this. Femto’s unwavering stare into Guts’ eye(s) during the Eclipse rape scene isn’t subtle, though I don’t intend to go into it in detail as this is about Guts’ sexual desire, not Griffith/Femto’s. I feel like the stare (the fucking stare omg) speaks for itself.

I mention this only to make the point that there’s an established precedent for Casca bearing the brunt of these dudes’ repressed feelings for each other, whether it’s genuinely intended to be interpreted as repressed sexual desire or whether it’s meant to be platonic spite/longing to get closer and closer to Griffith no homo. It’s not fair, it’s bad writing on several levels, it’s both misogynist and homophobic, but there you go.

Ultimately my main takeaway here is that Berserk would be about 500x less fucked up and offensive if Guts and Griffith just cut out the middlewoman and fucked each other.

Okay, that’s enough of that. Let’s go back to the Golden Age.

So far I’ve done my best to show that, post-Eclipse, Guts’ relationship with Casca largely revolves around his feelings for Griffith, both regretful and vengeful, and the fucked-up sexual component of his relationship with her also relates to the sexual component of his relationship with Griffith. So what about pre-Eclipse? Does the same principle hold true then, back when Casca was an actual character and not just a plot device and projection screen for Guts?

And I would argue that it does. It’s less in-your-face about it, but tbh not by a whole lot.

Casca and Guts start off as romantic rivals for Griffith’s affection. Only Casca is aware of this, since Guts’ attraction to Griffith is subconscious and repressed imo, but that’s their early dynamic. Their first emotionally intimate scene together, when they finally stop hating each other and start to bond as friends, is when Casca tells Guts her backstory, which happens to be almost entirely about Griffith.

The Casca chapters end with Casca crying about Griffith having fallen in love with Guts and not her (”Why... why did it have to be you?”), but all Guts manages to get out of Casca’s story is that she’s into Griffith, so after he decides to leave he starts trying to be a good bro and set them up. Finally, right before Guts leaves, Judeau introduces him to the concept of hooking up with Casca.

During the course of this conversation Guts does a kind of 180:

to

“The one who has her eye... is Griffith. That’s why... right now... I’m no good for her... like this.”

This is presented like part of Guts’ motivation for becoming Griffith’s equal is to be worthy of Casca, but we’ve seen his thought process for wanting to be Griffith’s equal, and Casca has never figured into it. He’d completely written her off before this chat with Judeau, as we see at the start, and he certainly never seemed to be consciously aware of the possibility of getting with her. 

He’s been trying to set her up with Griffith for several chapters - pushing her into his arms, mentioning her dress to him, suggesting she ask him to dance, carrying her down to see him after Doldrey, saying “good luck with Griffith,” to her as he heads out, and now telling Judeau he expects them to get together.

There are three possible explanations for this behaviour:

1. Guts just wants to be a good bro and help his friends be happy together. 2. Guts is sublimating his unconscious desire for Casca into trying to hook her up with Griffith. 3. Guts is sublimating his unconscious desire for Griffith into trying to hook him up with Casca.

I think maybe Miura wants us to think it’s #2. Hence Guts’ awkward sweatdrop when Judeau brings her up, hence Guts complimenting her dress before mentioning it to Griffith, hence Guts carrying her down to him bridal style after Doldrey, hence Guts swiveling from “Less a woman I see her as... a comrade,” to “That’s why... right now... I’m no good for her... like this,” within seconds.

Yk, he’s subconsciously attracted to her now and acts on that attraction by trying to hook her up with Griffith to make her happy, but once Judeau tells him that’s not an option, he can admit that he’s attracted to her.

(And, just to throw something out there, once we establish that Berserk has subtextual, repressed sexual desire in this love triangle it only adds more validation to the other combinations. Even if we are genuinely meant to read Guts as unknowingly attracted to Casca, it puts unknowing attraction on the table. Who else might he be unknowingly attracted to? Casca also apparently took some time to recognize her feelings for Griffith as potentially romantic. Lots of subconscious desire wrapped up in this love triangle, I’m js. But lol I digress.)

That said, I’m here to argue that, whatever Miura’s intentions may be (and hell they may be exactly this), it comes across as option #3.

I’ve already gone through the first part of the Golden Age to highlight how Guts looks at him and how visuals suggest attraction. After Promrose, that fades away because Guts no longer views Griffith as reachable, rather, he puts him on a pedestal. Enter Casca, right at the point where Guts is deciding what to do with the “fact” that Griffith doesn’t give a fuck about him.

Suddenly he gets invested in setting Griffith up with Casca, who he views as more worthy of Griffith because she has a dream (be Griffith’s sword) and he doesn’t.

This is when Guts starts pushing them together. He’s encouraging Casca to take his place at Griffith’s side, whether he realizes the implications of that or not - at the very least he knows that Casca believes Griffith feels things for him she wishes he felt for her, even if Guts doesn’t believe that Griffith truly values him.

“Until that day. The day you showed up...”

What’s interesting to me is that Guts recognizes that Casca wants to fuck Griffith lmao. He’s hooking them up romantically, even though Casca never directly says she’s in love with Griffith, and only alludes to her feelings in terms of being pissed off at Guts for stealing Griffith away from her side.

Guts doesn’t believe he himself is close to Griffith after overhearing the Promrose speech, but he seems to realize that Casca is jealous of him, manages to interpret that (correctly) as Casca wanting to bone Griffith, and yet still doesn’t realize that Griffith’s feelings for him may be a lot more significant than he thinks. Feels like repression at work to me.

Guts wants Casca to take his perceived place at Griffith’s side, except Casca’s theoretically able to do so romantically bc she’s a woman, so there’s plenty of heteronormativity at work too, though whether that’s coming from Miura or Guts I can’t say.

So yeah after Judeau explains the plot of Berserk to him and keeps nudging him towards Casca, Guts agrees that maybe he could hook up with her... but only if he becomes Griffith’s equal first.

So the other way of looking at this is that, rather than suddenly changing Guts’ entire motivation out of nowhere from “become Griffith’s equal to be his friend” to “become Griffith’s equal to get with Casca,” and generally being bizarrely terrible writing, this instead neatly situates a future relationship with Casca, in which she sees him as just as good for her as Griffith, as proof that he’s on the road to achieving his goal of becoming Griffith’s equal.

Which holds true later on - Guts and Casca’s relationship is not an endgame for Guts, it’s not his goal, it’s another step. He still intends to go back out and keep pursuing his own dream. He’s still motivated by wanting to be Griffith’s equal.

So yeah, Judeau’s like, whatever, I tried, Guts ducks out, and shit proceeds to go down.

Fast forward a year.

Guts comes back. Casca, interestingly, has taken over Griffith’s most notable narrative role as leader of the Hawks. Everyone sits down around the campfire.

Rickert tries to explain things to Guts:

Look what Judeau does! He’s telling Rickert to shut up.

Judeau is... weirdly invested in Guts and Casca getting together. Setting them up is largely his motivation in the latter half of the Golden Age, as far as I can tell.

After this moment he changes the subject to:

Subtle, Judeau.

I think it’s telling that Guts never comes up with the idea of hooking up with Casca on his own. He’s led to it by resident shipper on board Judeau, every time. The same dude trying to avoid any mention of Griffith’s feelings for Guts now. Why? Because he wants Guts and Casca to leave together after they rescue Griffith, and he has a feeling Guts won’t want to if he figures out how Griffith actually feels about him.

Whether by accident of slapdash writing by Kentaro I actually hadn’t planned for Guts and Casca to get together, you know — it just occurred to me partway through that it’d be more dramatic that way Miura or design, Guts’ interest in Casca comes across as pretty damn narratively forced to me, and the fact that Judeau has to be there to constantly nudge Guts in that direction doesn’t help.

Waterfall time!

Hey here’s something interesting about this scene:

This is when Guts first starts trying to fix his mistakes by substituting Casca for Griffith, imo.

Casca attacks him while screaming that he ruined Griffith by leaving. As the point finally hits home, so does the point of Casca’s sword as Guts, shocked, lets her stab him.

Before Guts can really draw a useful conclusion from Casca’s diatribe, she offers a distraction from the subject at hand by trying to kill herself while bequeathing Griffith to him.

“I couldn’t be a woman. Or something invaluable. To keep on protecting the almost broken dream of someone who might not even be alive...“

Guts didn’t save the last Hawk leader who had a self destructive breakdown after dueling him.

Presented with another person who seems to need him, who is desperate and lost and needs comfort, this time he does something.

And what really makes me believe this is actually, for real the correct reading of this scene - that, to Guts, Casca is a substitution for Griffith here - is that Casca is doing the exact. Same. Thing.

Griffith is (seemingly) unreachable, (seemingly) emotionally and romantically unavailable, but Guts and Casca aren’t.

And they kiss for the first time right after Casca tells Guts how Griffith felt about him, right after Guts lets Casca stab him because of it, right after the memory of Griffith kneeling in the snow, and the beginnings of the realization that by leaving he lost what he set out to earn, hit him, right after Casca tells him that Griffith is his responsibility now. It’s hard not to take that as Guts using Casca as a substitution for Griffith, giving her what he’s now very slowly beginning to realize he should’ve given Griffith.

Guts and Casca getting together here is two people obsessed with the same person trying to offer the other what they couldn’t offer him: comfort. And sex.

Once again a scene that looks like it’s going to be about Casca and Guts, that should be if this was a typical romance, turns out to revolve around Griffith.

And on the subject of Guts leaving Griffith in the snow instead of kneeling down and kissing him the way he responds to Casca much later, how about Griffith going out and getting self-destructively laid while thinking about Guts after the duel? Thematically there’s a very well-defined empty space where Griffith and Guts connecting romantically would’ve fit, is what I’m saying, but they didn’t. They both sought out other sexual connections to compensate for the loss of each other.

Finally, here’s the straightforward account of how Guts and Casca are feeling three days later with Griffith’s imminent return to their lives. Casca confesses to Guts that she’s still jealous of Charlotte, Guts gets pissy, but then thinks:

I hate that you’re still hung up on Griffith but I’d be a huge hypocrite if I got mad because I’m even more hung up on Griffith.

Which pretty much sums it up.

And I think I can stop there. There’s a lot more to say in the lead-in to the Eclipse about Guts’ intense feelings for Griffith, but when it comes to sexual attraction specifically, and how Casca figures into it, I think I’ll call it a day.

I hope I’ve made a decent case for Guts’ feelings for Casca, both positive and hugely fucked up, being largely built out of redirected feelings for Griffith. Whatever the reasons for this - actual authorial intent, intended redirection of Guts’s platonic bro feelings but adding sex bc Casca’s a woman so it’s obligatory without realizing how gay that looks, me totally reading into a half-assed het subplot created for the sake of more Eclipse drama, whatever - this is earnestly how Guts’ relationship with Casca reads to me.

In the final part I’m going to conclude this epic adventure in homoeroticism with what is essentially a “why I ship them,” going into why I think it makes perfect sense, from both a character and a thematic perspective, for Guts to be sexually attracted to Griffith. Stay tuned.

shout out to @mastermistressofdesire bc we’ve had a few conversations about this subject and some of your ideas really helped me coalesce these thoughts. Ty!

Part Four