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glapplebloom · 5 months ago

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Guess who finally got it on their iPod! (No Images in this Review)

I was a supporter of Prison of Plastic and one of the rewards was to get the audio book. Sadly, the audio book was only on Sound Theater and for a while there was no way for me to download it and put it on my iPod like all my other music stuff. But I eventually found a way and now I got it to listen to while I am on my walks. So what is Epithet Erased?

For those who don’t know, it is a series by Jelloapocalypse about a world where people gain powers because they’re inscribed with a specific word. Prison of Plastic is the continuation of the 7 episode long series, taking a week after the events. I enjoyed the show and wanted more, so I finally got to do so.

The book has 17 chapters but the first four are prologues to introduce us to the world and its characters. The first focuses on Molly and her two friends: Phoenicia Fleecity and Trixie Roughhouse. Molly is her nervous self but she is trying to be more confident. Feenie is a frikkin sheep in human form. She’s also rich so she’s not exactly the smartest bulb on the streets.

That honor goes to Trixie who happens to be the youngest sister of the toughest family in the city and man, does she sell it well. So after saving them from a mugger, Trixie broke down because she was afraid her bluff would get them hurt. That first prologue really sells the friendship of the Neo Trio as they’re called.

The second prologue focuses on Giovanni Potage, who has decided to leave the Bonzai Blasters and make his own group. His minions follow him and again, really sell their loyalty to Giovanni. From being just one of the guys in a group with no leader to being the fire that gets them to do things. A great showing of how Giovanni can help people in his own way.

The third Prologue focuses on Molly’s OLDER sister, Lorelai. She has the ability to create dimensional bubbles where she can create anything she wants. Live in her own fantasy world. It's basically Mabel World except on command. Nobody could get through to this girl, except Molly whose power can negate her effects. While the previous chapters do sell the four of being great people, Lorelai makes you hate her from the start.

Lorelai is 17 years old. Yet she acts like she’s younger than Molly. All she had to do was do the dishes but she spent two hours making this world instead, meaning Molly will have to do the dishes, cook for these people, and somehow do her homework. And what's worse, she frikkin says their father actually likes her since he usually takes her side.

I’m hoping the end of this story has her actually grow up, and they do set it up with her internally realizing it but not outright expressing it, because I really want to punch her in the face. The final Prologue focused on the CEO of STEM Industries Naven Nuknuk. He’s basically a male Molly except replace an Epithet with money. He teaches her and her friend about communication skills. And with our players set, we come to Chapter 1.

It was after the Third Prologue and the Neo Trio went to the beach since it is a rare time off for Molly. They were putting slugs back into the sea when they found a body. His name is Rick Shades and he came from a city under the sea. He also hasn’t eaten or drunk anything for three days so he’s almost dying. Chapter 2 brings everyone together as Naven is waiting in their store as the girls bring Rick there for help.

Molly is a criminal now, so she can’t call the cops for help. Luckily for them Naven is there who actually provides help unlike Lorelai or her father. Giovanni comes in now calling himself Vincent Murder and honestly seeing everyone Molly cares for together was really nice. Even she feels like it was a birthday party for her. But then Lorelai finally pops out of the bubble to see what’s happening since it was too noisy for her.

Lorelai likes Giovanni. Outside her father, it really seems like he gets her. Problem is Giovanni is very loyal so when he finds out Lorelai was Molly’s sister, their connection quickly fades. Goivanni wants Bear Trap to help with an upcoming mission and Lorelai wants to help. But since Molly isn’t giving her a recommendation, she decides to prove she’s bad guy material by kidnapping Naven and trapping everyone else (that matters) in her bubble.

Chapter 2 has Molly and the Gang pretty much setting up what the majority of her side of the story is going to be: The Neo Trio having to travel through Lorelai’s world to save Giovanni and Naven. Molly is basically at her breaking point physically and emotionally as she yelled at her sister, something she probably should have done a while ago but never did. This turned her friends into fairies and she has to use her Epithet to keep herself normal.

Chapter 3 has Lorelai’s side of the story: trying to win Giovanni’s approval. It is a nice showing compared to how we see her treat Molly, showing she probably could be a better person if she had the right people in her life. And all she has to do to prove her being Minion Worthy is bake some cookies. You think it would be easy since she basically has Reality Warping Powers but the trick is to make them without powers.

And that’s all the recapping I’m going to do. I do recommend this as it is a very fun listen to. The old cast are just as good if not better than they were on the series. The new cast fit with the ones established so well. Giovanni proves to be the best things for both Blyndeff girls, Lorelai has a very interesting arc after a certain point. And honestly the ending is the best thing to happen to Molly. So if you liked the series, you would still enjoy this.

#Other Reviews #other

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callioope · 2 years ago

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Bard, goblin and sorcerer for CR asks? ☺️

Hello!! Ooh these are good.

Spoilers ahead for both TLOVM (and I guess technically campaign 1) and campaign 2, for anyone who's not caught up (and there are spoilers for what could happen eventually in TLOVM).

bard: what is your favorite “how do you want to do this?”

Ahh I know I sent you this one, too, but this is HARD for me! The first two that popped into my head were Vax's against Thordak and Jester's against Lucien/Cognouza, but after some thinking I also loved the HDYWTDT against Kevdak and Obann.

For Thordak, the drama and desperation of Vax flying after him, the natural 20, the fact that he was alone a;kdsjf;kasdfj (how many people killed dragons with no witnesses lol? is this the 'if i had two nickels' meme? anyways) Most importantly the vengeance this meant for the twins, for avenging their mother, the way Vex flies in after him and hugs him, I get teary-eyed just writing about it.

For Lucien/Cognouza, again, Jester was just tearing up my heart during that battle every time she appealed to Molly (how she blamed herself for his death because she wasn't there </3 ahhh). And so the fact that she got the last hit with that final appeal to Molly just felt so right.

Honorable mentions for Grog's HDYWTDT against Kevdak because of the epic way it happened (pokeball delivery from above yess) and recency bias since I recently watched that episode in TLOVM, SO GOOD. And Yasha's HDYWTDT against Obann.

Apparently I have a running theme with 3 out of 4 of these being very personal and appropriate for character backstories.

goblin: who is your favorite non-main campaign character?

Nydas!!! I just loved his arc throughout EXU: Calamity, his initial skepticism and creeping apprehension as he started to suspect what was happening, and just everything he did in part four. He had so many great speeches. And I loved his friendship with Zerxus, too. AHH NYDAS.

I mean everyone in Calamity was fantastic but Nydas popped into my head first so I'm going with my gut here.

I do also want to give an honorable mention Hazel Copperpot because I adore her and her gramophone and I do wish we could have seen more of her! Darrington Brigade Part 2 when? Considering it takes place in Wildemount, Mighty Nein tie in eh? eh? Deastok is not that far from Kamordah after all. I bet Taryon drinks Lionett wine.

sorcerer: what is your favorite sam commercial skit?

LOL OMG. I mean. The Nordverse is pretty enveloping (although I haven't watched the oneshot yet). I do love the D&D Beyond ad song and often get it stuck in my head when using D&D Beyond. "You click open the webpage yaheardaboutonCriticalRole..."

Critical Role Ask Game

#ask meme #thanks for the ask!!#liz replies

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coyotix · 2 years ago

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warrior cats oc lore

littlebriar is a small light brown tom with a white muzzle and freckles and black paws. his tail is short and fluffy like a rabbit’s, and his eyes are yellow.

pumpkinpatch is a tortoiseshell tom. he is very tall and has green eyes. his fur is mostly brown with a few red spots.

rattletail is a cream molly with brown patches and a short tail. her fur is long and fluffy, and her eyes are brown.

cherryswirl is a ginger molly with dark stripes and short fur. she has a long scar streaking from her left ear to her right jawline. her eyes are amber.

briarburn is a dark grey-blue molly with slightly lighter stripes. she is very tall and has a broken tail. one ear is ripped, and her eyes are a striking bright blue.

fernflight is a black tom with a missing front left paw. he has short messy fur and green eyes.

littlekit of shadowclan was born to pumpkinpatch of thunderclan and rattletail of shadowclan. he and his father pumpkinpatch were often shunned by the clan, for being a product of or partaking in a mixed clan romance, so when he became littlepaw, his mentor cherryswirl was very lacking in enthusiasm about teaching him. she often neglected to teach him things like the hunting crouches for different prey or fighting moves for a cat taller than him.

littlepaw got into an argument with cherryswirl for refusing to teach him, and that night, his dreams were visited by a molly named briarburn. she claimed to be a better way for him to learn and would actually teach him, because she was cast out for being half clan too. in her exile, she was struck by a falling tree during a tornado, which broke her tail and killed her. she asked littlepaw if he would like to train with her in the dark forest. overwhelmed with excitement that finally someone wouldn’t shut him out, he agreed.

two moons after meeting him, briarburn took littlepaw (now 9 moons old) to meet other dark forest cats- apprentices and their mentors. she paired him up with a tom named fernpaw. he’s the same age as littlepaw, and he was training there because he was missing a paw. windclan had trouble reaching him how to fight with only three paws, so he was learning how to do that on his own as well as getting taught how to keep balance on his hind legs- that way he could use his front paw for swipes. the two started training alongside each other for a few moons, and briarburn watched him grow up and train like a proud mother.

now here’s the thing.

briarburn is a dark forest cat, but she isn’t evil. i know. you probably thought she was gonna be mapleshade and littlepaw was crookedpaw. well guess what? nope!

briarburn eventually noticed how close fernpaw and littlepaw were. she saw how littlepaw would always volunteer to train with him. she knew littlepaw liked fernpaw.

so when littlepaw became an official dark forest warrior, she held fernpaw’s ceremony at the same time.

fernpaw could fight just as well as any four legged cat, and littlepaw was still short but he was buff now too.

when littlepaw’s shadowclan name ceremony came, he left a piece of briar bark outside his leaders den, because what better sign could show that his name should honor his true mother? fernpaw became fernflight for, in his leaders words “the way he flies while he rest of us walk”.

and look at that

it is possible for me to write a nice dark forest cat and a character with a nice happy life.

and it is possible for a disabled character in the wc universe to go to the dark forest, train, and not do it for revenge on those who wronged them. it’s also possible for them to learn how to fight.

TAKE NOTES ERINS

#warrior cats #warriors #wc

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alethiometry · 2 years ago

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top 5 LI couples (yes i'm throwing this trash potato right back at you)

i've only watched seasons 3, 5, 8, and now 9 so that's the pool i'll be picking from!

1. dom and jess (s3). HOOOOOO BOYYYYYYYY THE CHEMISTRY. i only recently watched s3 so i went in knowing that they are now married but omg watching them meet and fall in love was a treat! extra funny that he was initially so set on montana and explicitly asked jess not to couple up with him but like... eh, we all make mistakes. and i just think jess is one of the most beautiful people i have ever seen and i wish we'd gotten to see more of her before the guys fucking snaked her

2. chris and olivia (s3). i know deep down that they weren't really compatible, and they split soon after their season ended, but their saga was probably the most engaging to me, mostly because i found myself really sympathizing with olivia. i liked that she was able to be really funny but also flawed, and i thought her and chris' affection for each other was really really genuine despite their imcompatibility.

3. ekin-su and davide (s8). to this day i still don't like davide and think he's one of the most overrated islanders ever, but i LOOOOOOVE ekin-su and i think she brought out the best in him. their romance was so tropey and fun to watch develop, their chemistry was undeniable from the start and they could be goofy and petty and romantic all in the same episode.

4. tasha and andrew (s8). they gave us tittygate. next question

(no but really i was a tandrew skeptic for most of the show bc although i think tasha was justified in chatting with the bombshells, i thought andrew was annoying and clingy. i turned around on them around the time that tasha decided she wanted to make him her bf and honestly they've been heartwarming ever since. they both came off as really sincere and afaik they're still happily living their best life together rn and i love that for them! i truly hope they last!)

5. jamie and camilla (s3). even watching s3 knowing they are now married with kids, jamie really did feel way too good to be true/felt like he was playing it up for the cameras a bit, which is why i didn't rank them higher. but it was really wonderful to watch their relationship start after having to see camilla take L after L for most of the season. and i remember during the final speeches and beach hut talking heads, camilla repeatedly said that jamie really helped her be more comfortable with herself and love herself and honestly that's what dreams are made of! also you could just tell how much they were loved and respected by their fellow islanders because they were just really stand-up people in general.

honorable mentions:

amy and her dignity/self-worth (s5) because fuck curtis and the coffees he was apparently obsessed with making for everyone in the morning and she's one of only a few islanders who really had the balls to put herself first and leave the show with her head held high

kai and sanam (s9) because they're like the only likeable couple this season and feel like a breath of fresh air whenever they actually get airtime, but although they've been together since casa they haven't gotten any goddamn airtime so it still feels like we don't really know them as people

i guess molly-mae and tommy just had a baby and he beat jake paul so good for them

#ok sorry this is so late i started answering this this afternoon and then got distracted so i'm finishing this now lol #ask games #reiverreturns #thank you bestie for feeding into my LI addiction #pls recommend me a season to watch next!

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byanyothernme · 2 years ago

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— is that LILY COLLINS? oh, no it’s just ROSE WEASLEY. SHE is a TWENTY-FOUR year old HALF-BLOOD wizard, whose occupation is a MEDIWITCH. i guess that’s why her former house is GRYFFINDOR. she is prepared for the uprising, her alliance is THE RESISTANCE.

The red rose symbolizes romance, love, beauty, and courage. A red rosebud signifies beauty and purity.

penned by marie

CHARACTER INSPIRATION:

Delilah Alves (you), Leia Organan (Star Wars franchise), Abby Hammond (Santa Clarita Diet), Diana Meade (The Secret Circle), Belle (the beauty and the Beast), Donna Paulsen (suits), Lizzie Saltzman (Legacies), Eleanor Shellstrop (The Good Place), Max Mayfield (Stranger Things), Olivia Baker (All American), Juliet O’Hara (Psych).

THE BASICS:

full name: Rose Florence Granger-Weasley nicknames/aliases: Rosie, Posie, Weasley age: 24 birthday: April 15 zodiac: aries place of birth: London, UK gender: cisfemale orientation: heterosexual nationality: English blood status: half-blood occupation: Mediwitch for St. Mungo’s affiliation: First and foremost, the Potter/Weasley clan. The Resistance.

THE EDUCATION:

schooling: Graduate of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. St. Mungo’s medical program house: Gryffindor

Best Classes: Potions, DADA, and Herbology Worst Classes: Divination. Electives: Ancient Runes Honors: Head Girl, Prefect Extra-Curricular: Chaser, Dueling Club

THE APPEARANCE:

face claim: lily collins

HEIGHT: 5′5″ EYE COLOR: Bright green HAIR COLOR AND LENGTH: Auburn curls that hangs down to the middle of her back that she wears with a middle part. Sometimes, she wears her hair in one long, messy braid when she needs her hair out of her way. She quite recently got herself a blunt fringe SCARS/TATTOOS/MARKINGS: Her cheeks and nose are covered in freckles that she had been teased for when she was younger though now she’s quite proud of them. Both her ears are pierced and she has a nose piercing (her mother hates it). She also has an outline of a dove tattooed on her wrist (her mother also hates that). FASHION SENSE: Rose is very simple and easy going with her outfit choices. She doesn’t like to put too much thought into what she’s wearing, as long as she feels comfortable. she has a rather large collection of band t-shirts, mostly from the concerts she has been to over the years, and she wears them a lot of the time with either a pair of denim trousers or one of her skirts. Usually over that is a jumper or her biker jacket. She loves her combat boots and wears them for all occasions.

THE PERSONALITY:

the label: the heroine ENTJ - is someone with the Extraverted, Intuitive, Thinking, and Judging personality traits. They are decisive people who love momentum and accomplishment. They gather information to construct their creative visions but rarely hesitate for long before acting on them. moral alignment: chaotic good addictions: Sweets positive: creative, loyal, protective, innovative, & survivalist negative: abrasive, blunt, untrusting, short-tempered, & impatient languages: English, passable French.

THE RELATIONSHIPS:

father: Ron Weasley may be Harry Potter, there are rumors lol mother: Hermione Granger-Weasley siblings: Reese and Hugo Weasley, Marcelina Bloem-Weasley (sister-in-law) grandparents: Arthur and Molly Weasley, Mr. and Mrs. Granger extended family: Toby and Gene Bloem-Weasley (nephews), The Weasley/Potter Clan

best friend: Dylan Parkinson boyfriend: Jackson Krum

THE HISTORY POINTS:

Has a Grey Maine Coon cat named Sherlock

Is rather proud that she doesn’t have any roommates but tbh, Rose is the worst roommate to have. Her clutter is every where.

Rose BEGGED the sorting hat to put her in Gryffindor. Begged. Slytherin was the hat’s first choice but she did not and would not be the one to tell her own father that she was placed in the Slytherin house. She negotiated, bartered, and bribed that darn hat until it finally gave in. She was placed into Gryffindor. She doesn’t think the hat likes her very much after that, oh well.

Is often compared to Hermione much to Rose’s displeasure. They look almost the spitting image of each other with the exception of Rose’s hair colour and rose is quite a clever girl– she did get top marks in school– but that is where the similarities end. Rose is much more rough around the edges… in fact, her edges are frayed and she’s barely holding it together. She’s harsher and more impulsive. she jumps to conclusions a lot and while 90% of the time, she’s right, she can be wrong sometimes. Not that she will ever admit it.

hates being compared to her parents, especially her mother. Her relationship is definitely strained with her mother. Definitely is closer to Ron.

Sarcastic af

She puts everyone she cares about before herself. Has always been that way and sometimes it tires her.

She knits but doesn’t brag about it.

#( * bio. )

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tweekfilms · 2 years ago

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question ..?

this is basically just pure fluff and good vibes

the first thing that he noticed was the damn hospital bed

“god i thought i was never going to be here again” chase groaned

“i mean if you weren’t, then you wouldn’t be alive” a voice all too familiar spoke

“gert ?” chase asked

“who else would it be” gert laughed

“you’re alright” chase wanted to sit up but his stomach protested

“i’m fine don’t worry but you however have some bruising so don’t sit up” gert pushed him down again

“and my dad ?” as much as chase didn’t want to ask, he was still concerned

“he’s fine surprisingly” gert rolled her eyes

“oh that’s… good i guess” chase shrugged

“you still care don’t you” gert’s expression softened

“i guess and i hate it” chase mumbled

“its alright even if he is a piece of shit, he’s still your dad i don’t know” gert squeezed his hand

“he was about to hit all of you in the car when we saw you and i had to stop him” chase explained

“i know but god i was so scared. i mean i was relieved when i saw you get out of the car but then you passed out on me and i felt helpless” gert sighed

“im sorry” chase apologized

“don’t be, its not your fault” gert smiled softly

“i just hate being here you know ? it brings up too much memories that i tried forgetting” chase said

“speaking of bringing back memories. i uh have something to say” gert sat back down on the chair

“you ok ? you seem nervous i mean of course look what happened but i don’t how to explain it” chase rambled to which gert laughed

“no you’re right, its just… look yesterday was possibly the scariest day of my life and i just realized how close i was to losing you forever and well i don’t want to feel like that again and i don’t want to waste anymore time so what im trying to say is…” gert’s hand immediately went to her pocket and as soon as chase saw a box in her hand, his breathe and heart rate started to quicken up

“normally this is the part where i ask if you wanted to marry me but i know its been like four months now since we started dating but its felt like more but also there’s no rush and all so this is just a ring to i guess show how much i love you. you can call it a promise or engagment ring” gert was blushing

“ask me the question i just want to hear it” chase was about to burst into tears

“fine. so chase… will you do me the honor of marrying me sometime in the near future” gert said smiling

“yes” chase laughed

“can i kiss you???” gert asked

“come here” chase opened his arms for her to which she accepted and kissed him

it felt like fireworks were bursting or maybe it was all the medicine but who cares

“can i have the ring” chase asked putting out his hand

“of course you can” gert gave it to him as he put it on

there was a knock at the door and soon karolina and nico were there

“chase hey” nico smiled

“SHIT YOU’RE ALIVE” karolina hugged him tight

“ow” chase complained due to the pain

“oh god im so sorry” karolina apologized

“its fine” chase smiled

“so uh we bought breakfast” nico held up a bag

“thank you” gert accepted the bag

“so uh you two seem happier than usual” karolina noticed

“yeah ummm” gert looked at chase and he just looked back in return

“wait chase… is that a ring on your finger” nico asked

“maybe….” chase blushed

“OH MY GOD YOU PROPOSED” karolina turned to gert and she just blushed

“damn yorkes that was smooth” nico smirked

chase was about to speak before he saw karolina run out of the room and yell in the hallway

“MOLLY, ALEX. GERT AND CHASE ARE GETTING MARRIED”

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staravya · 5 years ago

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@onetobeamup replied to your post: i was STRESSING about how to slip the collar over...

Sophie hates collars and harnesses So Much she figured out how much she had to choke herself to get out of them, if she’s Still in it it’s probably working Great

rip ip

chloe made her customary u better stop that Right Now or i Will make swatting and biting movements at you >:( mrrow of “no talk me i angy” but once we backed off she just chilled lmao

and now she’s sleeping so i guess that’s Operation Successful! i think the process of me struggling to clip it behind her head was more annoying than the actual collar sdjhgfsjkgfs

#onetobeamup #peacock pattern bc i was not spending an extra dollar for a sparkly silver one #also it was the only one that was discounted #and also In Honor Of Molly Too I Guess #[waves critrole flag]#starli speaks #chloe chronicles

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frillyfacefins · 2 years ago

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Good Old-Fashioned Sodomy (Lucifer/Paimon)

Fandom: Helluva Boss, Hazbin Hotel Rating: Explicit Pairing: Lucifer/Paimon Tags: Historical Setting, Demonic Deal Making, Paimon gets to top (as a treat), human disguises, I researched Edinburgh in 1890 way too much for what little details there are in this fic..., headcanon heavy, seriously I have so much lore for this ship, Lilith mention, Polyamory, Only implied though, Paimon „more obedient to Lucifer than the other Kings are“ Goetia Word Count: 4118

Also on AO3

Summary:

Edinburgh, 1890. Paimon successfully closes a deal he has been working on for weeks. It's a good thing Lucifer has never been stingy with his rewards...

The medium let out a deep sigh and, with her eyes still closed and her head swinging from side to side, she said: „We thank the spirits who have honored us with their presence and bestowed us with their wisdom.“ Another deep sigh, then her eyelids fluttered open. Paimon let go of the hands of the people beside him, though not before he gently squeezed the one of the young man to his right.

The medium looked at her guests with a weak smile. The dim candlelight made her look tired, and the strands of hair that had come loose from her pompadour aided that effect. She really looked as if her soul had travelled to the spirit realm and she had returned triumphant, but only after a hard battle.

She lit the gas lamp on the table as the guests started to stand up. One of the women, a regular at this ‚medium‘s seances, immediately monopolized her attention, and Paimon used the general breaking up of the party to turn to his target.

„Now, how did you like your first seance, my boy?“ he asked, though he could guess the answer by the wide-eyed, confused look on his face. He wondered if the young artist would have just such an expression after a good fuck as well.

„I‘m… I don‘t even know… You know that I have been a believer, but this?“ He was rather pale, and Paimon put a steadying hand on his shoulder.

„Madame Tenebre‘s abilities really are impressive,“ Paimon said, and he actually meant it - this woman was maybe the best close-up magician working in Edinburgh at the moment. At first he had assumed that a demonic deal was behind her success, but no, ‚Madame Tenebre‘ (or rather, Mollie McFaddon) really was such a talented trickster that she didn‘t even need to consort with Paimon‘s colleagues.

Of course she still was going to Hell as soon as she died. But he respected a confidence woman, and he was sure she‘d do quite well in Pentagram City once her time had come.

His little friend, however, would likely be headed for Heaven if Paimon wasn‘t successful. He‘d been working him for a while - befriending him at his club, giving him the admiration and attention he needed for his insecurity to turn to pride. He had taken a shape he knew would be irresistible to this young man - his mother‘s eyes, his father‘s chin, the nose of the tutor he had been dreaming of when he‘d had his first youthful effusions at the tender age of twelve. He had made himself just a few years older than his mark, just the same height but more slender, more elegant, and if the boy‘s furtive glances and lingering handshakes were anything to go by, his guise was proving to be very effective.

The young artist‘s eyes were unfocused now, still trying to process what had happened. Paimon squeezed his shoulder and then gently stirred him out of the velvet-stuffed dimness of the salon, through the cramped hallway and into the stairwell of the tenement building. He pulled out his cigarette case and offered his ‚friend‘ one of them.

The smoking had also been something Paimon had inspired in his mark. He hadn‘t quite managed to get him into opium, but alcohol and tobacco should be enough to make his soul join them as soon as possible.

Speaking of which…

„Let‘s head to the club, have a drink,“ Paimon said, smiling at him. „You look quite pale, my dear fellow.“

The young man smiled back. „Yes, that sounds marvellous.“

Paimon had gotten three finger-widths of top-shelf whisky into his little friend when he felt it was time for his next move. The boy had been prattling on about the seance ever since he‘d emptied his first glass, and he was talking himself into a state of wonder and excitement about the occult that gave Paimon the perfect opening.

„You know,“ he began, his body tilting to one side as if he‘d also had far too much to drink (Earth alcohol was weak as water to him, but the taste was quite nice, so he‘d matched his mark sip for sip). „I did not want to tell you this, my friend, for fear you wouldn‘t believe me… But now that you have seen the marvels of the spirit world, I am thinking that I can trust you with my secret.“ He leaned forward, and so did the young artist, his eyes shining with drunken curiosity. „I have, myself, made contact with a mysterious power of otherworldly origin… With its help I have created sculptures that will make my name immortal. Would you like to see them?“

The sculptures he had conjured in his spacious apartment were of sublime quality. They depicted beautiful men and women with faces so lifelike despite their bronze and marble skin that they might have started to speak at any moment, or rather, to scream - for Paimon had taken advantage of the newer trends in the world of art and had made them just infernal enough to become fascinating. The little men and women were screaming in agony or ecstasy, their bodies haphazardly clothed in flowing robes in the greek-style that left their most enticing qualities bare. He had added symbols for an added spark - snakes and apples and tiny, hidden details that would turn a man‘s heart towards sin without his mind ever understanding it.

His mark was enraptured by the sculptures. It took him nearly an hour to go through every one, exclaiming over their beauty, their genius, their vision. By the end of it, he was as drunk with admiration as he was with whisky.

„Treasures beyond belief,“ he finally said as he sank onto a chaise longue and Paimon pushed another glass of golden scotch into his hand. „I can hardly believe my eyes, and yet…“

He looked longingly over to one of the sculptures, the one for which Paimon had used Lilith as an inspiration. She was the only one of his sculptures with a smile on her face, but it was a demonic smile, too broad and too sharp, her eyes only suggestions, her hair flowing into her gown and finally into a nest of snakes pooling by her feet.

He took a long drink from his glass, his eyes still transfixed by the sculpture. His next words were so soft that Paimon might not have heard them if he had been human.

„If I could paint like you can sculpt… I would change the world…“

There it was. Paimon could hardly suppress a grin - he had him. He was so drunk and so overwhelmed by all he had seen today that he didn‘t even think to ask why Paimon wasn‘t showing these sculptures publicly. He had seen what was possible, and he was starting to think - ‚why not for me?‘

Paimon swirled his own whisky for a few moments before he said. „You know… I could show you how I did it. How I harnessed this spiritual power.“

That made the young artist drop his glass, staining his trousers and the carpet. He dropped to his knees in front of Paimon, looking up at him with a need in his eyes that made the demon‘s whole body tingle.

„Please! Oh please, tell me your secret! I would give anything, if I could just… If I was just…“

He didn‘t have words for his desires, so he just shook his head and kept looking at him beseechingly.

Paimon smiled and leaned forward to pet the boy‘s head. What a prize for Hell… He let his hand run down his cheek and lifted his chin.

„You do not have to give anything, not during your lifetime,“ he said. „But it isn’t free.“ The boy was so suggestive by now that he just pressed closer, rubbed his cheek against Paimon‘s hand.

„What will it take, then? To make paintings that will change the world,“ he whispered.

Paimon leaned down until their noses nearly touched. Their breath mingled, scotch and cigarettes and unending hope.

„You must give what all of the greatest have given. You must give your soul to your art… For your art.“

Finally the boy hesitated. There was something about those words - something about the dark truth Paimon had revealed - that made him baulk.

Paimon grasped his chin tighter. „You could be as brilliant as Courbet, as rich as Meissonier, as world-renowned as Matejko. Your art could change everything. You could be a Titian, a Caravaggio of the British Empire…“ The velvet sweetness of his voice would have rivalled Lucifer‘s in Eden. And it worked like a charm. The boy relaxed, his eyes glazed over, and his lips parted in a look so precious it made Paimon want to ravage him.

But no. This was strictly business.

He gently ran his fingertips over the boy‘s cheek. „Is that not what you want, my dear?“

„I want it,“ the young artist rasped. „I want it desperately.“

Paimon smiled again, and this time he allowed just a shimmer of his true nature to shine through - just a darker hue to his eyes, just a certain sharpness to his teeth. He let go of his chin, but did not retract his hand. Instead, he made a pallet knife appear in his palm, the blade glinting in the light, the mahogany handle inlaid with the golden pattern of a crown.

He didn‘t need a physical object to close the deal. A kiss or a few drops of blood would have been sufficient, and most demons still kept to those traditional means. But a physical object could be lost, could be stolen, could lead to wrath and envy and paranoia.

It would make his soul so much sweeter, so much more ready for Hell. And the deal would be closed once the artist took the knife - whatever happened to it afterwards, their contract would be sealed for eternity.

The boy reached out. He hesitated again, but this time Paimon did not have to coax him.

His fingers closed around the knife‘s handle.

The opium dens of Edinburgh always reminded Paimon of Belphegor‘s palace. They weren‘t as beautifully appointed, of course, but the scent was the same: A powdery floral fragrance underlaid with the warm scent of sleeping bodies and the spice of cloves. He made his way through the balmy humidity of the parlours and into the backroom where Lucifer was waiting for him.

Even in a human disguise, his king was beautiful as a sunset. His hair was darker, the color of aged bronze, and his usually paper-white skin had the natural pallor of the humans living in this cloud-plagued city. His eyes were grey, his pupils round, and only the points of his canines remained of his usually sharp-toothed smile.

„There you are, Paimon,“ Lucifer said as he stood up from the couch where he had been nursing a snake-shaped porcelain pipe. He smiled at him, his eyes drinking in Paimon‘s form with obvious approval. „You have really outdone yourself with this disguise, my boy,“ he purred as he stopped just inches in front of him. His fingers ran along the chain of his pocket watch, dipping between the buttons of his waistcoat. „You have been successful, then?“

„You know that I would not disappoint you,“ Paimon said. His king was only inches shorter than him, in this shape, and the fact that he could feel his breath against his lips was driving him to distraction.

A happy sigh left Lucifer‘s lips and touched Paimon‘s in an opium-scented caress. „Wonderful work, Paimon. His soul will be a lovely addition to Pentagram City… Maybe I will take him into my own house, there are several projects I have planned that would benefit from an artist with modern sensibilities.“

Paimon could practically see the plans arranging themselves behind his King‘s eyes. He didn‘t move - Lucifer‘s fingers were still hooked into the placket of his waistcoat, after all.

It only took Lucifer a few moments to return to the present. He smiled at Paimon, slowly blinking his eyes like a satisfied tomcat. His fingers moved to slowly push the button nearest to them through its eyelet.

„Now, my dearest, my most perfect servant… However should I reward you for such impeccable work?“

A low growl just tinged with despair rumbled from Paimon‘s throat. When was the last time they had fucked in the human world, in human disguises? It had to be centuries ago by now… It wasn‘t as if having sex as humans was better than it was in hell - but it was different. More cumbersome, for one. They could use magic instead of oil and change their flesh just enough to give them their usual stamina, but if they were to do that, they could just as well open a portal and return to Lucifer‘s palace.

No, as inconvenient as it might be, Paimon wanted Lucifer like this, with his sharp edges buffed and his skin smelling of human sweat and opium instead of brimstone. The way his mark had been kneeling before him, the way his lips had parted in wonder, had made something roil inside of him, and he wanted to gift this dark desire to his beloved King.

„If you wish to reward me, my most beloved,“ he whispered, „let me have you right here, right now.“

Lucifer‘s eyes sparked with hellish intent, and his smile spread into a grin. His fingers tightened around the placket of his waistcoat and pulled him even closer. „As you wish, my darling… You have certainly earned your reward…“

Lucifer tasted different, on Earth. There was none of that tooth-rotting sweetness that Paimon was so addicted to, only the taste of saliva, opium, and the tiniest hint of wine. It was nice, though, to be in a completely compatible shape to him. It had been a while since he‘d been with Lucifer while wearing an even vaguely human-shaped body; he usually preferred the shape of a bird or a lion when he was in Hell. Their mouths fit together so well like this, and even though their tongues were shorter and less dexterous, there was something pleasantly base about the way they slid against each other.

Taking off human clothes by hand was also rather inconvenient when you weren‘t using magic, but since Lucifer kept unbuttoning his waistcoat manually, he resigned himself to undoing his king‘s cravat with his own hands as well. It did mean that he got to touch him more, though, which made up for the additional work it took to get him naked.

Lucifer was better at this than he was. He had Paimon‘s jacket, waistcoat, cravat and cuffs off before Paimon could even get all of the buttons of Lucifer‘s waistcoat open.

He pulled back with a little growl and crowded Lucifer towards the sofa. „I guess humans really want to make fucking as difficult as possible with these contraptions, huh?“ he asked, slightly annoyed.

His king only chuckled. „You‘re always so impatient, my friend…“ he purred. „Here, let me take this…“

He pulled away from Paimon‘s hands and sat down on the sofa, his legs spread, one of his arms draped over the back rest. Paimon had no idea how he did it, but he opened the entire placket of his waistcoat with only one hand, and quickly as well. He made quick work of his cuffs as well, carelessly throwing the golden, apple-shaped links to the floor, where they were soon joined by the waistcoat and his shoes.

Paimon had toed off his shoes and freed his shirt tails from his trousers at that point, but the sight of his King in nothing but a gleaming white shirt and unfashionably, sinfully tight breeches proved to be too much for him. He was on the couch in a heartbeat, pushing Lucifer down and pressing ardent kisses along the line of his jaw, his neck, his collarbones. He had gotten so excited that he tugged at the collar of his shirt with too much strength and ripped the first three buttons right off. He was too caught up by the flames of his own desires to really notice, and given Lucifer‘s low chuckle, his King didn‘t seem to care, so he just kept kissing down his chest, fumbling to get rid of the rest of the buttons, ripping at least two more before he had finally kissed his way down to his stomach.

Compared to the buttons, the buckle of his belt was solid and easy to open. But of course there were more buttons holding the placket of his trousers closed.

Paimon didn‘t bother with those; he just pulled down Lucifer‘s trousers and underpants off with one fast motion.

„So impati-aah…“ Lucifer‘s smiling admonishment melted into a happy moan as Paimon immediately swallowed down his half-hard cock. The taste of sweat and musk was nearly identical to how Lucifer tasted in hell, a little more bitter, maybe. His human form seemed more sensitive, though. He could feel Lucifer‘s thighs tremble, and a clawless hand was pulling on his hair, making him swallow every inch of his King. His cock had the perfect size for Paimon‘s human throat, just long enough to fill him, just thick enough to leave him wanting more.

Paimon somehow managed to get rid of his own shirt, and he gave his own bottom garments the same treatment he‘d given Lucifer‘s. He had to pull away from his King‘s cock to free his legs completely, but he was delighted when he saw that Lucifer used the moment of respite to hook one of his legs over the back of the sofa, spreading himself perfectly open for Paimon.

He sat back down between Lucifer‘s legs, but he didn‘t do much more than set one hand on his thigh and let his eyes rove over his body. In his usual shape, Lucifer‘s body was like smooth, perfect alabaster, unmarred by anything but two large scars on his back. This disguise, though, was perfectly human. The color of his skin was a variety of shades of pink and light beige, his knees visibly darker than the inside of his thighs, his cock and balls a deep, brownish pink, his chest and face flushed rosy red. There were freckles all over his body, and hair - wiry on his legs, a fine dusting on his lower arms, a nest of curls between his legs…

No Man made by their Father could possibly be more beautiful.

Lucifer had tilted his head slightly, his eyes wandering over Paimon‘s body. There was no rush; the opium he had been smoking might have been Earth-grade, but with his body being made of human flesh, that ought to be enough to make it soft and pliant, even though it wouldn‘t affect his mind. So Paimon could look his fill, could feast on the anticipation of feeling that warm body below him, surrounding him. But there was another issue with human bodies - and a quick look around the room told him that he would have to use a little magic for this, after all.

A happy sigh oozed from Lucifer‘s lips when he saw the little bottle Paimon conjured into his hand and the oil he was pouring into his hand. „There really is something about good old-fashioned sodomy…“ he murmured as he reached for his right leg, which had until now been lazily hanging off the couch. He grasped his thigh below his knee and pulled it towards his body, making it easy for Paimon to rub over the husky, puckered muscle of his hole with a slicked middle finger. That was another thing about male human bodies - if you went with the most common configuration, you had to not only work your way through cumbersome clothing, but also through a human body‘s natural resistance. He figured this was still a problem for most Sinners in hell, and probably for some hell-born demons, but he‘d never had any interest in anybody who was not Fallen, so he really neither knew nor cared.

But when it was Lucifer whose ass he was slowly coaxing into accepting his fingers, even this aspect of human sexuality was exhilarating. He had to apply more oil to his fingers to make two of them move smoothly in and out of Lucifer‘s body, but he was rewarded for the trouble by a series of low, pleased gasps.

He slicked a third finger for good measure, just to make sure that his King wouldn‘t regret allowing him the honor of fucking him. He didn‘t target his prostate, though - Lucifer‘s cock was already dripping on his abdomen, and his toes, still in their black socks, were curling with pleasure. His eyes were closed, his eyebrows tense. Human bodies couldn‘t withstand pleasure like demonic ones could, and especially not when they were likely saturated with enough opium to buy a small trading fleet.

„So fucking gorgeous,“ Paimon muttered as he finally pulled his fingers out. Lucifer opened his eyes and grinned as he watched Paimon slick up his cock with even more oil.

„Took you long enough,“ he said on a long exhale, hiking his legs up a little farther. His well-stretched, glistening hole was winking at Paimon, teasing him with just a glimpse of its red, velvety inside.

Paimon shifted on his knees until he was kneeling right behind Lucifer. He grasped his legs below his knees, freeing up Lucifer‘s hand to move between them and guide Paimon‘s cock to its destination.

It was so easy to follow Lucifer‘s guidance, more natural to him than breathing could ever be. His body bent to his King‘s will, even in this position, and when he finally pushed into him, the tight, slick heat that enveloped him made his body thrum with a kind of pleasure he could only describe as blasphemous in its divinity.

Lucifer kept his eyes on Paimon‘s as they came farther together, holding his gaze like he would a leash. Paimon couldn‘t look away, couldn‘t close his eyes even as the sensations stirring his flesh demanded that he gave himself completely over to his lust. Lucifer looked at him with so much pride, with such adoration that the tight feeling of his body around Paimon‘s cock became a secondary source of his pleasure, something he could take or leave, and yet still such a proof of his King‘s affection…

They both lasted longer than Paimon would have expected, but then again, their lovemaking was slow and languid as rolling waves breaking on a sandy shore. By the time both of them had reached their climax, their bodies were so slick with sweat that Paimon nearly lost his grip on Lucifer‘s legs. He leaned forward to press a desperately tender kiss to his King‘s lips, a last shudder running through his body when Lucifer raked his fingers through Paimon‘s damp hair and whispered: „Well done, darling,“ against his mouth.

They lay together for a few minutes, relishing in the last waves of pleasure and the sticky remains of their tryst. Usually, Paimon was fussier about bodily fluids than Lucifer, but even with sweat drying on their skin and cum sticking their bellies together, he just really couldn‘t be bothered with being bothered right now.

Eventually, though, he began to feel cold where he wasn‘t touching Lucifer. His King must have noticed somehow, because he finally kissed his lips a last time and said: „Let‘s go back home. I want to take you and Lil out to dinner, darling.“

Paimon sat up with a sigh and stretched his body. He’d been human for too long, judging by the aches in his joints and muscles.

“Also, paperwork,” he sighed. He was just about to get up and change back into his bird shape when he remembered something.

“Oh, by the way…” He opened a very small portal in space and pulled out the little bronze statue he��d made of Lilith. “I’m wondering if I should give this to Her Majesty… It has come out rather well, really.”

Lucifer’s disguise was already bleeding, his skin and hair turning lighter so slowly that one watching him might have missed it. He stood up and regarded the statue for a moment before he took it out of Paimon’s hands and turned it this way and that.

Finally, he grinned - his mouth now as broad and as sharp-toothed as that of the statue.

“I keep forgetting how interesting your imagination can be, darling. I believe Lil will like this.” He lifted the statue to his nose and took a deep inhale. “Hmm… Yes, I believe she will like this indeed.”

#helluva boss fanfiction #helluva boss paimon #hazbin hotel fanfiction #hazbin hotel lucifer #lucifer magne #fanfic #helluva boss #hazbin hotel #just gonna risk putting this into the main tags let's see if I'll regret it or no #Paimon Goetia

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mitsukui · 4 years ago

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put your lips like this | f.w.

Pairing: Fred Weasley x reader.

Summary: there is a secret buried inside your heart that is keeping you from going to the Yule Ball. However, Fred decides to be the greatest of friends and teach you one thing or two.

Word Count: 2.1k - oops...

Warnings: none! Just a whole lot of fluff! ✨ Oh, there is a curse word towards the ending.

Disclaimer: none of the pictures used in the edit below belong to me; I simply put them together.

A/N: HAPPY HOLIDAYS, BABIES! *aggressively listens to ‘My Boo’, by Usher and Alicia Keys*. Not to be dramatic, but James Phelps with long hair could punch me right in the face, and I would thank him. Please, leave me some feedback if you feel like it! My askbox is open for your opinions, thoughts and requests. Thank you so much for your time and attention! ♡

Masterlist!

“You know I’m good at keeping secrets, so just tell me already! C’mon, tell me why you don’t want to go to the Yule Ball.”

A heavy and utterly annoyed sigh left your lips. Fred Weasley – that prick! – had been tormenting you the entire day. You knew he was a curious soul, but you had never imagined he would try so hard to make you spill one of your secrets out.

It was not something you fancied sharing; actually, it was something that made you feel rather pathetic and embarrassed. How could you tell your friend, whom you had unexpectedly developed feelings for, that you had never been kissed?

Curiosity and anticipation were emanating from his figure as he whispered soft ‘tell me’s, and moved anxiously on his chair. You fidgeted with the quill in your hand before you sighed once more. It did not seem like he was going to give up on solving that mystery any time soon. “Alright, fine. I will tell you. But only if you promise you will act as if nothing had ever happened.”

“Pinky promise!” He immediately dropped his own quill and extended his right hand towards you, his little finger waiting up to be intertwined with yours. Your eyes studied his hand, and you did not fail to notice how big and veiny they were.

Oh, Godric, the voice that took form of your consciousness echoed in your head, this boy is going to be the death of me.

Reluctantly, you closed your textbook and put your quill down on the wooden table, these two actions being followed by the connection between your fingers. His tongue poked the inside of his cheek, the similarity to a little boy that he carried in his behavior causing you to chuckle. However, your good spirits soon vanished away when you came to the realization you now had to tell him the truth. You had never been good at lying, for all it mattered.

He beamed widely at you, and he had his ears ready to capture all the words that were about to slip from your lips. But nothing was coming out of them, and a slight impatience resulted in his eyebrows being furrowed together. Fred went back to whispering words to hurry you into opening up, and the situation just overwhelmed your inexperienced heart.

It was all too much: you could not bear with the fact that he was staring so intensely at you, nor with the fact that you were about to tell him you saw yourself as a ridiculously stupid teenager who had never felt a pair of lips brushing against their own.

“I don’t really know how to do the whole…kissing thing. And I refuse to go to the Yule Ball because of it, given that chances of being kissed by your date are high.”

Your confession came out as a train losing its track – fast, unruly and through gritted teeth. Although you were deeply ashamed of that part of you, his face expressed the total opposite of any of your feelings.

His eyebrows were still furrowed together, but now scoff dripped from his words. “Yeah, right. And George is more handsome than me.”

You could swear your heart skipped a beat at that moment. Blinking in the rawest surprise your body could internally gather, you stared at him and waited for him to say anything else. You were lost for words. How could he not believe you?

“I mean, you’re incredibly beautiful. And I know you have a few people interested in you.” When you raised an eyebrow at his latter words, he was quick to snap back at you. “I’ve noticed how that Ravenclaw boy looks at you.”

Even though there was an inconspicuous blush tainting your face due to his compliments, you waved his words off and laughed shyly. He probably was just acting nice towards you. That was a huge characteristic of the Weasley family – being raised by an amazing woman like Molly herself made such a thing come out naturally.

You remained quiet for a few moments, your heart beating fast in your chest and your eyes staring out the library windows. You still had a hard time believing you had just confessed your deepest secret to your love interest, but it was of no use crying over spilt milk. If he were one to keep his promises, one of your rare studying sessions with Fred Weasley would soon return to normal.

But what if he started pitying you for it? Or what if he stopped talking to you, once he concluded your universes did not collide? He surely was vastly experienced when it came down to kissing. Kissing Fred Weasley would probably be the biggest honor of your life.

Unconsciously, your eyes left the windows and roamed the surroundings until they reached his lips. It was almost as if the whole world had stopped.

Fred had thin lips, but they seemed to be astonishingly soft for someone who caused as much trouble as he did. His upper lip was subtly curved, and you were mesmerized by every single little detail you could visually grasp. That moment would haunt your thoughts for a long time, once it was pure cruelty how you had fallen out of love – the one you loved did not love you back.

But you were terribly wrong about that. Fred had been experiencing some shifts on his feelings towards you lately. He had watched you blossom into a charming young girl, and there was something about you hitting hard on his heart. And, frankly speaking, after he caught you looking at his lips, he would be in heaven if he ever got the chance to kiss you.

“Come on. Let’s get out of here.” He helped you gather all of your belongings with a gentle smile hanging on his lips and, once more, you swore your heart was melting away over everything he did.

As you walked out of the library together, dipped in a somewhat agonizing silence, you felt his fingers brushing against yours, which caused you to instantly look at him. “Can I hold your hand while we walk?”

Holy moly, what did he just say? Your consciousness was again alarmed at the scenario taking place right in front of your eyes. Okay. Keep calm. Don’t freak out.

“Y-Yeah, I guess.”

He did not waste any time on ending the ridiculously small distance between your hands. However, he did not simply hold your hand in his; he intertwined your fingers together, and gave your hand a light squeeze. His eyes fell upon you, and his gorgeous smile grew wider. You could not help but smile along.

You continued on walking together in silence, the only tangible thing between you and Fred being the tiny circles his thumb drew on your skin. If it were possible to describe your feelings, one would choose the talk about fireworks, or waves violently crashing on rocks on a breathtaking beach.

He unquestionably would be the death of you.

He tugged on your hand once you stopped in a deserted hallway. There was something astounding about the fact that he was able to find a calm and quiet place on Hogwarts, but he had always been like a box full of surprises to you. And he was also really good at knowing all the best places in the castle.

You smiled at him, the riddle he was presenting filling your chest with amusement. “What are we doing here?” All of the terrors you felt earlier returned to you, and you felt like withdrawing. “Wait. We are not here so you can lecture me on kissing, right?! Because, if we are, I would very much like to lea-“

Fred abruptly shushed you, stepping closer to your body and gently pushing your back against a wall. His eyes darted up and down your face, and he grinned cunningly down at you. He was so much taller than you, and the sight of him towering over you was quite intimidating.

“I’m gonna be your kissing instructor.”

Bitch, said what?! Your eyes widened in shock, his fingers reached out to place a lock of hair behind your ear, and your biggest wish was to evaporate. With your head shaking vigorously, and your lips being pressed together in a disappearing line, you exclaimed you would never accept that.

You could never allow physical intimacy to destroy your friendship with Fred Weasley. It was better to have him as a friend than not having him at all.

He found your actions to be absolutely adorable, the desire to consume your innocence growing bigger and bigger each second. “I’m only trying to help you out, y’know. If that Ravenclaw boy is not willing to claim these luscious lips, I sure am.”

Your cheeks erupted in a dark red shade, and you looked away from him, unable to take it for any longer. He was now evidently playing with your feelings, and you did not know how to deal with his attitude.

You were torn apart between accepting his kiss and pushing him away. It could go two ways: you would either kiss him and dismiss all of your feelings and expectations, or you would fall even harder for him. You were not exactly leaning towards neither option.

“I’ve wanted to kiss you for a while now.” He murmured his confession as he briefly dodged his eyes from your face as well. It was unusual to see the great Fred Weasley embarrassed but, apparently, it was happening right in your face. “So, please, let me be your first kiss. I promise I’ll be gentle.”

Your gaze moved back to him and he also had a light pink flush on his cheeks. He looked painfully handsome at that moment, with his freckles splattered all over his skin, and his lips trembling slightly. Your eyes met, and both of you smiled timidly. You were swooning.

“Okay.”

“Okay.” He repeated your monosyllabic answer and nodded a bit, mostly to himself, assuring he would finally feel his lips on his. “I’m gonna put my hands on your hips now.”

And he did. Both of his hands ghosted over your body until they reached your hips. He pulled you a little bit closer to his chest, and his scent tickled your nose. You felt like electrical waves were rushing through your entire body, and you wondered how you had managed not to faint.

“Look, do what I’m doing.” Fred parted his lips slightly and tilted his head to his left side a bit, his eyelashes fluttering until he finally closed his eyes. He looked heavenly, but you could never admit that and put yourself into an even more vulnerable position.

An almost inaudible snicker rang in his ears, and he soon opened his eyes and looked at you. You confessed he looked quite silly like that, but he ignored your comment and ordered you to mimic him again. His voice was low and his warm breath hit your face gently. You finally obeyed, feeling all jittery and anxious.

You looked captivating in his eyes, and he was ready to show you how amazing a tad of intimacy could be.

He leaned down, bringing your lips together in an extremely slow brush against each other. “Put your lips like this.” And, a second time, you did as he told you to, copying all of his actions.

It did not take long for him to finally involve your uneasy lips with his own. He started out by giving small pecks onto your skin, but his hunger got too big and he demanded more.

Your small silhouette was pressed even harder to his body, and he touched your lower lip with his tongue, asking for permission to feel more of you. Your attempts to continue moving according to him went on, and you thought it was a good sign he had not stopped you yet.

Once the velvet-feeling of his tongue came in touch with yours, he groaned against your lips, which caused you to use both of your hands to hold onto his robes tightly.

The kiss went on for a few more moments until you and Fred were breathless, and you had to break away to learn how to cope with oxygen again.

It was difficult to find words to talk about whatever had just happened, but you mumbled a shy ‘thank you’, which he replied to with ‘don’t mention it’.

Kissing was not as horrible as you thought it would be.

And, after all, maybe going to the Yule Ball could be quite nice if you had enough luck to get Fred Weasley to be your date and kiss you again.

#fred weasly x reader #fred weasley imagine #fred weasley fluff #fred weasley #harry potter #harry potter fanfiction #🌼 — personal: writings

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lillian-nator · 4 years ago

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Ranch AU

Or, as we all call it, The Cowboy AU

Essentially, this was something that I created, and it’s gonna be purely fluffy, with a small bit of angst here and there. Any of the angst will be hurt/comfort. It’s meant to make us all feel better after those fucking harsh lore streams. I started it, based off of some shit in the Dad!Schlatt AU, and after that I honestly didn’t write most of it. It had really been a project in the discord, because we were all sad and shit, so if you have some fluff to offer, please do! I am happy to make almost anything canon - and we could always use more ideas. :)

I hope you enjoy some mindless farm boi fluff!

BASIC INFO:

It's SBI's Ranch (Phil is Dadza, Tommy, Techno, and Wilbur are his sons)

Phil, sells to the local stores, and manages the crops. He doesn't do too much labor anymore. He hired his boys for that.

Dream, SapNap, Purpled, Tubbo, Callahan, and Punz are all hired farm hands

George, Niki, Ranboo, and Fundy work at the shop where they sell their products; Niki makes all of the dairy products, Fundy and Ranboo stock, label prices, and keeps track of sales, and George works customer service with his Gogy magic.

Wilbur works with the sheep, the goats, and he trains the dogs (Collies - they herd sheep), he also works with the crops a lot

Schlatt isn't hired but he might as well be. He can be found wherever Wilbur is, and is probably drinking a beer he stole from Phil. He doesn't get paid, but he eats all of their food.

Tommy works with the cows, the pigs, the chickens, the horses (sometimes), his goose, and the dogs / cats that they own

Tubbo works with Tommy. Essentially. But he also works on the crops, and the bee farm that they have set up.

Techno works with the horses, and is currently training to be a veterinarian.

Dream works on horses with Techno - they race the horses competitively - but otherwise, is where ever he is needed (usually crops)

Purpled works with Tommy and Tubbo. He mostly works with Tubbo on crops and his bee farm.

Punz and SapNap haul things. As your resident Chads, they are in-charge of moving heavy things and doing manual labor.

Callahan is their repair man. He fixes tractors, and machines on a daily basis.

SOME HEADCANNONS:

HENRY, a saga:

that henry has a matching bandana to the one Tommy has so that everyone knows thats henry. Tommy doesn't like it when people touch henry so henry gets a bandana - Shark -

when Phil first started raising Tommy, he would've never guessed that he would turn out the way he did.

He was loud, and brash, and hit his brothers, and made fun of the neighbor's kids, but then Tubbo became Tommy's best friend, and then Phil introduced Tommy to the cows.

The cows are Tommy's everything.

When a Bred Heifer is due, he sits with them everyday past their due date - he sat with Betty for 5 days when she wouldn't birth a calf. He was so fucking worried.

When one of his cows are sick, he sleeps in the barn until they get better. His last days with Harvey fucked him up.

Tubbo, Tommy, Purpled, and Ranboo spend long nights at the farm, and Tommy always leans against Henry as he stares up at the stars.

Henry who his best girl (all cows are girls and Tommy doesn't give a shit about gendered names). Henry who wears a matching bandana. Henry who is fluffy, and warm, and Tommy's everything. -

Sometimes when Tommy had a bad day, whether it’s stress, or school, or just whatever, Tommy sleeps in the Henry’s stall with her. Phil has so many pictures of Tommy curled up with Henry. From when she was first born to now. - Eye

Tommy hates winter because that’s the one time of year Phil won’t let him sleep in the barn. Even with the layers and heat lamps it’s too unsafe. Tommy always gets up extra early in the winter. Both because he has to check and break ice in the water troughs but also because he misses his girl - Eye -

Henry's mother, Betty, was the first Cow Tommy had helped during birth. He sat with her for 5 days when she hadn't gone into labor past her due date. It took 9 hours for Henry to be born, and Tommy was there through the entire thing -

Well, almost the entire thing. He was at school for the first hour of labor, and was so pissed at Phil when Phil knew and didn't immediately come get Tommy from School.

It always felt like Tommy and Henry had a special bond because Tommy literally raised Henry from birth. -

They didn't think Henry was gonna make it when she was first born, but Tommy was fucking determined, and bottle fed that cow every single day and night. When she was slowly weened off milk, Tommy got unironically sad that he didn't have to bottle feed her anymore.

He still visited her every morning, and milked her mother at dawn, right after he got eggs from his hens. -

Henry waits for Tommy at the end of their long ass drive way when he gets home from school. She knows that when the bus pulls up that her boy is back and so she’s always there waiting lazily for pets and a nice walk together back to the house. Even when it’s cold and someone is waiting for the kids to get home in an ATV or something Tommy always walks back to the house with Henry - Eye

Thinking about how long these fucking country roads are. And how Tommy and Tubbo have the same bus stop even though Tubbo and Tommy's houses are a couple of miles away. Tommy has to walk a mile to get to the beginning of his driveway, and seeing his favorite girl there is like a reward at the end of a journey. Tommy probably keeps a bag of feed in his backpack, which is just a mixture of grain, hay and corn, and gives Henry a handful to thank her for waiting for him.

Clementine, The Goose:

Tommy has a goose, and names it Clementine.

He found her in the woods one day, when she was very young, and he decided he was going to keep Clementine.

Clementine is only ever nice to Schlatt and Tommy. No one knows why.

Clementine follows Tommy around. Very endearing.

Phil doesn’t question it at this point

NEW MILO, the sequel:

OG Milo is a kitten that Wilbur found on the side of the road, in the rain, and he took the kitten in, trying to save him. Wilbur immediately got attached.

Techno pulled an all nighter, half spent trying to save OG Milo and the other half comforting Wilbur. "You couldn't have helped, he was too starved and out in the rain for too long." Phil adds that if Techno can't save something, it can't be saved. - Ethan

Wilbur's next cat was named New Milo in honor - Ethan

Anyway, New Milo has three kittens. Blood God, Boots (given to Fundy), and Bumbles (given to Tubbo). They're called the Bees and they were born Christmas Eve - Ethan

BLOOD GOD, the pussy:

Blood God is Techno's cat. Its just a ferall little molly that loves techno too much. - M -

After Techno helped New Milo have her litter, he wasn't originally gonna keep any of the kittens, but he saw this tiny thing with the orange muzzle and just: stole her.

He is also nicknamed Blood God, for both his skill in hunting and healing

He originally named her Piglet because the orange spot looked like a pig snout [the main reason he chose her and not her stronger littermates] but called her Blood God teasingly when he first adopted her

Wilbur didn't realize he meant it as a nickname and told everyone her name was Blood God

Techno still calls her Piglet, but everyone else calls her Blood God because that's the name on her collar.

Most of their cats aren't collared, but Phil made her a custom collar because he was worried she'd get lost hunting with Techno and Dream - Ethan -

Blood God is such a batshit cat. She's a runt, really, oddly small compared to her siblings, and she's their best mouser

She's the cat that everyone leaves scraps for, but never tries to pet out of fear

Often she'll climb up people's legs and sit on their shoulders, and it's the only time you can pet her.

She is very, very affectionate with Techno and he loves her very much. He has her very well trained, and she comes with him and Dream when they go hunting sometimes alongside a terrier.

She's a little itty bitty calico molly and she has an orange patch right over her muzzle - Ethan

TOMMY'S HENS, the chicks:

He gets real defensive of his hens. They lay eggs for him. They deserve to be treated well. -

Tommy does in fact have an egg incubator; Sometimes it's just better. Tommy prefers letting his hens care for their own eggs, but he does still use the incubator - Ethan -

Some chickens enjoy being thrown so they can flap and shit. A few days after passing ownership of the hens to Tommy, Phil is going down to the crops and just sees Tommy chucking his hens and watching them rush back to be thrown again

he feels a hint of "what the hell" but he notes the gentleness tommy does it with and how the chickens seem to be enjoying it and he shrugs and keeps walking - Ethan -

Once Wilbur was helping Tommy with the chickens and he dropped an egg

Unfertilized, of course, but Tommy looked like you'd just punted a toddler

Three years later, Wilbur isn't allowed to touch the eggs anymore

Tommy's paranoid he'll hurt a live one

"Get out." "What - Tommy it was an accident, it was just one egg." "If you aren't gonna treat Phoebe's eggs with care; You can get the fuck out." "Tommy -" "Out." -

the quality chicken eggs depends usually on how the chicken feels. While under his care, the eggs the chickens produced were really good.

Under Tommy's care? Phil's eggs tasted like horseshit in comparison - Ethan -

They have their like, main barn and to the side of it is a little pond. The chicken coops are a little beside it, with the singular duck coop (he only has four ducks) closest. He calls the area the Business Bay

AGES:

Tommy - 16 Tubbo - 16 Purpled - 17 Ranboo - 17

Techno - 19 Wilbur - 21 Schlatt - 19 Phil - idk like 45 or some dad shit

Fundy - 18 Niki - 19

SapNap - 18 Dream - 19 George - 20 Punz - 19 Callahan - 20

RANDOM HC’S:

Tubbo, Niki, Ranboo, and Fundy are siblings. -

Whenever they eat meat they talk about who they're eating.

They tell stories about their day and such but they always start dinner, when its meat, saying "rip lmao" and telling stories about them

...they don’t do it when they eat beef

Everyone sitting down with their plates of ham Wilbur: so who was it? Phil: Fern Tommy, already eating: rest in peace fern Techno: he shat on my boots once -

Each of the boys get a few animals that aren't allowed to be butchered.

Wilbur has Friend, Enemy, and Skit the Bull. (Wilbur wanted to name a Bull "Shit", but Phil said no because Tommy was 11 and already swearing too much for his liking)

Techno has none of the livestock. He only cares about Blood God, and his horses.

Tommy has a pig [currently unnamed], his Hens (6 or 7 of them, that lay eggs), and his dairy cows -

Phil is ALWAYS chewing on straw. -

Tommy, Techno, and Wilbur all call Phil "Pops" or "Pop". They all used to call him "Papa" though. It's like a coming of age thing for the three of them, when they stop calling him "Papa" and start calling him "Pop".

Phil may or may not have cried when Tommy started calling him "Pop" at the age of 12.

ALTHOUGH, all 3 boys know that if you want anything, you call Phil "Papa". Phil can't resist it. -

Techno and Tommy with starry eyes: pops Phil: no Wilbur: Papa Phil, with slightly less confidence: n-no - Ethan -

Tommy holding a baby calf in his hands that he walls to bring inside for the night because hes in love with her: papa please!! Phil, practically in tears: fine. - M

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justthehiddleswrites · 4 years ago

Text

Accidently Married | Tom Hiddleston x OFC | Chapter 2 | Be Careful with Clive, I Have Grown Attached to Him

A/N: Tom makes certain comments about an ex (who is unnamed). It is a fictional girlfriend, take from it what you will. Keep your hate to yourself.

SERIES MASTERLIST HERE

Pairing: Tom Hiddleston x OFC (Molly Bishop)

Summary: Tom is stuck in a news cycle from hell; Molly is stuck in the dead end job of bartending with a pile of student and credit debt. Tom has an idea to solve all their problems. Get married, get the paparazzi off his back, divorce after a year and Tom pays off Molly’s debts. Tom has everything figured out, that is until he sees Molly as more than a just a friend and so does someone else. In this vying for affections who will win, the handsome Brit or the boy from Boston?

This Chapter: Tom and Molly are now married. Surprise! These two talk about the logistics of Tom’s half-baked plan. And Molly moves to London to face the firing squad, aka the paparazzi.

Warnings: fake marriage, smut (vaginal sex), mentions of: child abuse/neglect, foster care, substance abuse, cheating.

TAGLIST IS OPEN! PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT TO BE TAGGED! THANK YOU FOR READING!

–

After they signed the license along with the apostille, there had been dancing. That much Molly remembered. And drinking. Specifically drinking champagne. Tom danced with abandon, pulling Molly into the whirlwind of activity he created around him.

But now it was morning, and Molly woke up in a bed that wasn’t her own. She groaned as her head pounded, having forgotten that champagne and her have a love-hate relationship. Molly saw the faint outline of Tom asleep on the couch, his long body stretched out, still wearing his suit from last night. After glancing at the alarm clock, Molly fell back asleep.

Several hours, Molly woke up again and headed to the bathroom, not noticing the now opened curtains.

“Hey good lookin, Whatcha got cookin,” Tom’s voice twanged as he stepped out of the shower. His head pounded a bit, but not the worst hangover he had.

“AHHH!!!” Molly screamed as she stepped into the bathroom.

They both froze, which was more embarrassing for Tom, as at least Molly was still wearing her dress from last night.

“You’re naked.” Molly blinked, her head darting around the room until she focused on an interesting corner of the room.

Tom chuckled, grabbing a towel and wrapping it loosely around his waist. “I don’t normally shower in my clothes. You can look back now.”

She slowly turned back around. “Sorry.” She shuffled her feet. “I should have knocked.”

“It’s quite alright.” He moved towards the door. “Shower is yours and we should talk things over.”

Molly nodded. “We should.”

While Molly showered, Tom dressed in the other room. After finding a clean t-shirt for Molly to wear over her dress until she could change, he called the airlines and changed his single ticket for that morning to a later flight for two, fishing Molly’s ID out of her wallet.

“Thanks for the shirt.” she stepped out.

“It looks good on you.” Tom gestured to the sofa. “Sit. Would you like some breakfast?” Her stomach growled. They both laughed. “That would be a yes.” Tom shoved the room service menu. “Order what you like.”

She selected an egg white frittata while Tom got the pancakes. Tom put in the order and returned his attention to Molly.

“So let’s talk about how this will work.” Tom shifted in his seat.

“An excellent idea. You mentioned living together in London. When do we leave?”

“This afternoon.”

Molly coughed. “That quick?”

“I’m afraid so.” Tom’s hands fidgeted in his lap. She noticed he was still wearing the spider ring. “I have work obligations back home and in order for it to be believable you would need to live with me.”

“Naturally.” Molly slapped her thighs. “So after breakfast, I can head back to my apartment, pack up what little I have, say goodbye to my roommate, and change into appropriate clothing. And you need to get us some proper rings.” She waved her hot pink ring in the air. “Unless of course you intend for your bride to wear a ring from the top of a cupcake.”

“Only if I get to keep my ring. I’ve grown quite attached to Clive.”

She raised an eyebrow. “You named the spider?”

“Yes.” There was a knock on the door. “That will be the food. Allow me.” He disappeared and returned shortly with a rolling table, ladened with food. Tom poured a cup of coffee and offered one to Molly.

“I don’t drink coffee.”

“I can have them bring up a teapot.”

“I’m pretty sure there are some complimentary ones in the room. Now,” She cut into her food and took a bite. “how will everything else work? Living with you, your life, the paparazzi? That is the whole point of this charade.”

“You do get down to business. So yes, I would expect you to live in my home. In a separate bedroom, I can set up another room as an office for you. We would need to attend events together and generally appear as a loving couple on the outside.”

“And my debts? That is part of the deal, right?”

“Right,” Tom gazed over at her while eating his pancakes. “I would assume the payments while we are together, and after the divorce is final, I would pay off any balance. I would also take care of your daily expenses while we are married. You are welcome to work if you want, but I will give you spending money.”

“So I would be a trophy wife?” Her brown eyes glinted.

Tom waved his hands in front of him. “Not that is not what I meant… I…”

“I am kidding, Tom. If you prefer, I can not work. I don’t mind. Give me some time to figure things out.” A thought came to her. “What about…” Molly searched for the words. “… other needs? Or if you wish to engage in a romantic relationship?” Her cheeks blushed as the words fell out of her mouth.

Tom blushed as well. “I have great self-control and I think if either of us get to that point, we can discuss it. I don’t want you to feel trapped.”

“And I don’t want you to be trapped either. I guess that is as good of an answer I could expect. Anything you want to ask me?”

Tom stared at Molly. The air hung heavy. “Do you regret saying yes?”

“No. Do you regret asking?”

“No.”

Molly downed the rest of her juice. “Well then, it is all settled. I am going to take off to pack. And you have some shopping to do. My ring size is a 7.”

Tom finished up the last bite of pancakes. “Right. We need to leave here by 3 to make it to the airport.”

“I shouldn’t be more than a few hours. Do you have a key to the room I could borrow?”

Tom fished one out of his discarded jacket’s pocket. “Here I will have the front desk make me another one.”

She tapped the key against her nails. “Thanks, Tom. For the help and for being a decent guy.”

“I should be thanking you.”

“You already have.” She grabbed her purse and headed out the door.

Tom headed downstairs, asked the front desk for a new key to the room, and also inquired where the nearest jewelry store might be. The front clerk handed him a key and directed him to a small collection of luxury stores in the hotel. He found Tiffanys and purchased a classic platinum solitaire engagement ring and plain platinum band for Molly and a yellow gold band for himself.

Molly wasn’t back when he returned, so he set about packing up for the flight. His phone buzzed. Luke.

It appears you had a good time in Vegas. The papers say you are drowning your sorrows. Looks like the story is here to stay. Call me when you wake up from your nap at home.

Tom typed back.

I did have a good time. I have a feeling the papers will soon find another story soon. Still in Vegas, taking a later flight. Talk to you soon.

His phone rang. He clicked it off, seeing it was Luke. Rather to get all the yelling done in person. The door opened and Molly came in, dragging a suitcase behind.

“Sorry! My roommate had questions.”

“So does my publicist.”

Tom took in Molly for the first time, really. Outside of the light of a casino floor. And not in a wedding dress purchased for fifty dollars on the way to the chapel. She wore faded jeans, a pair of beat up black Converse and a boxy white tee tucked in. A large black cardigan tucked under her arm. Dark hair in a bun. Quite lovely, if Tom told the truth.

“Are you in some sort of trouble?” Her brows knitted together.

“Not yet.” Tom tucked his phone into his jean pocket. “Here.” He pulled out the little blue bag.

Molly gasped. “I thought you would go buy some costume jewelry. This is too much.”

“Nonsense. This marriage may be fake, but the jewelry will be real.” Tom opened up the boxes. “May I do the honors?”

Molly held out her hand, and Tom slipped off the plastic ring before replacing it with the wedding set. “Much better. And yours?”

Tom slapped the box into her hand. “Be careful with Clive.” Molly pursed her lips as she pulled off the spider ring and replaced it with the gold band, putting the plastic ring in the Tiffanys box. “Here you go. Clive’s new home.”

Tom tucked the box into his luggage. “Ready to go?”

Molly rocked back on her heels. “Yep.”

Tom held out his arm. “Let’s go home, Mrs. Hiddleston.”

The flight back was uneventful, Molly and Tom dozed off, leaning against each other for support. Molly woke up first. She stared down at her rings. This was not how she expected this weekend going. Molly thought she would scrap together enough tips to make an extra payment on her credit card. Not flying to London with a Tiffany diamond ring on her finger and a famous actor as her husband.

“Life does throw you curveballs from time to time.”

“What was that, darling?” Tom muttered, stretching in his seat.

“Just commenting on the craziness of all of this to myself.” She held out her hand again. Tom laced his fingers with hers.

“I have done the same thing myself. Now when we land, there will probably be paparazzi around. Are you up for getting this whole thing off and running?”

Molly perked up. “What do I need to do?”

Tom tightly gripped Molly’s hand throughout the concourse and baggage claim. They eyed the doors.

“Ready?” she asked, squeezing his hand.

“I promise to be gentle.” Tom squeezed back, smiling.

As they stepped through the doors, Tom flashed a killer smile and Molly did as well, giggling as his arm wrapped around her waist. He leaned over and pressed his lips to hers. Molly melted against him, making sure her rings were visible as she cupped his cheek. She was right, Tom was an excellent kisser. After making sure any photographers had plenty of time to snap a pic, they parted.

“Think they got my good side?” Molly giggled.

“Do you have a bad side?” Tom asked.

“Just wait and see. Now take me home, darling!” She threw her arm over her eyes dramatically.

“Drama queen.” Tom pinched her side.

Tom’s home was cozy and clean. Definitely a bachelor’s home, as evidenced by the empty fridge except for a few bottles of beer and some questionable brown sauce.

“I can go shopping later.” Tom dragged a toe along the kitchen floor.

“I can go shopping later.” She reached up and smacked his face playfully. “What kind of wife would I be if I didn’t feed my husband?”

“Fair point. I will call the bank tomorrow and get a card in your name. Just run any big purchases past me first. And we will need to get your name changed, passport, etc. I can have someone help you.” Tom prattled on.

“Why don’t you show me the rest of the place first?”

Tom held out his arm. “This way.”

Tom’s book collection was impressive along with his collection of movies.

“I clear some space if you need it.”

“I only packed clothes. My roommate is selling the rest, including my car and wiring me the money.”

“Oh.” Tom’s face fell. “Let me show you the bedrooms.”

He showed you a small guest room. “This could be an office for you and next door is a bigger bedroom for you.” Tom hustled along the hallway to open the next door. “Here.”

It was a bigger room with a queen bed and a wardrobe. Spare and clearly used for company.

“It will do just fine. And the bathroom is across the hall which is nice. Where’s your room?”

Tom made his way to the end of the hall and opened the door to his room, decorated in tones of grey and navy. A large king sized bed taking up most of the room along with a dresser. A bathroom en suite and a small closet completed the space.

“Very nice. Do you mind if I steal the color palette to decorate my room?”

“Please do. I never got around to decorate it. My sisters and mother are the only ones who stay in there.”

Molly paled a bit. She hadn’t thought about Tom’s family. “I supposed I will meet them soon.”

“I supposed so. It would be odd for my wife not to meet them. I hadn’t thought about it.”

Molly rocked back and forth. “Now why don’t I go shopping and you unpack and relax?”

“I would feel better if I came with you. You are in a different country, a strange city. And what if you have problems with the card?”

“Then let’s go and you can point out some of your favorite foods.”

“It’s a deal.”

“When I said pick out your favorite foods, I didn’t expect it to be only sweets. Did I marry a seven-year-old?”

“I’m 35, thank you. and I enjoy those sweets.”

“You eat like a college frat boy.”

“Guilty.”

“That is definitely changing now that I am around. You can’t continue to eat like that. There are things called vegetables.”

Tom snapped his fingers. “I’ve heard of those.”

“Get out of here!” Molly swatted at him. “I am certain you have things to attend to, and I need to familiarize myself with the kitchen.”

“Are you kicking me out of my kitchen?”

“Our kitchen. And yes.” Molly smirked.

“I yield! I yield. I’ll be in my study if you need me.” Tom walked out of the kitchen and towards his study.

He spied his phone sitting on the desk, still off from the flight. By now, any pictures should have been posted somewhere. Tom collapsed into his desk chair and clicked the phone on. While he waited for it to start up, he could overhear Molly puttering about in the kitchen, muttering to herself as she put away the groceries.

Buzz. Ten messages and eleven missed calls. He didn’t bother to listen to them and instead dialed Luke.

“Luke, I’m back in town. Thought I wou—” Tom started in as soon as Luke picked up.

“I WASN’T FUCKING SERIOUS WHEN I SAID TO GET MARRIED??! HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FUCKING MIND?!”

Tom pulled the phone away from his ear. “No, I haven’t. But I am married. To a wonderful girl. Her name is Molly. Molly Bishop. You should meet her, Luke.”

“YOU ARE FUCKING RIGHT I’LL MEET HER. AS SOON AS POSSIBLE! SHE CAN HELP IDENTIFY YOUR BODY, THOMAS!” Luke continued to scream on the phone.

“Can you dial back the volume, Luke? I would like to preserve my hearing. Is there something wrong with marrying the woman I love?”

Luke cleared his throat. Tom understood Luke was doing his best to collect himself. “Apologies. There is nothing wrong with marrying the woman you love, Tom. Nothing at all. Except I don’t think you love this woman, since until a few weeks ago you were in love with—”

“Don’t say her name, it will ruin my marital bliss. I’m a hopeless romantic, Luke.”

“Hopeless, yes. Romantic, the jury is still out. And your fans don’t count, they are blinded by you. But I see the truth.”

“Which is?”

“You are not as smart as you think you are.”

“Did any of the articles mention her?” Tom inquired, spinning his wedding band on his finger.

“No.”

“Then I am exactly as smart as I think I am.”

There was a clatter from the kitchen.

“Tom!” Molly called out. “I need your help.”

“Got to go, Luke. My wife needs my help.” Tom emphasized the word “wife.”

“This isn’t over, Tom.”

“It never is. Bye.”

More clattering and another cry. “Tom!”

Tom rushed into the kitchen to find Molly perched on top of the kitchen counter, reaching high into a cabinet.

“Why is everything so high in here?”

Tom chuckled and reached around her, pressing his torso against her back. Molly jumped for a moment at the touch.

“I’m not used to sharing my space. I’m six two, I put things where I can reach them. What are you grabbing?”

“The roasting pan.”

Tom pulled it down and placed it on the counter. His phone buzzed in his pocket. He ignored it.

“Thank you. Well, I am five six, so unless you want me climbing counters for the next year, we need to rearrange some things.”

“But you’re so cute climbing around like a little monkey.”

Molly frowned. “Is that supposed to be a compliment? If so, then try again.”

Tom opened his mouth and closed it. “I’ll pull things down after dinner.”

“Thank you.” She rubbed his arm. “Now to try my hand at a roast dinner. Did you get stuff done?”

His phone buzzed again.

“I called my publicist. The pictures posted.” Tom pulled out his phone to shut it off.

“Oh good. So I take it, I had the desired effect.” Molly crunched on a carrot and offered one to Tom, who wrinkled his nose.

The two of you. My office 8 a.m. tomorrow. No excuses. I want to meet the blushing bride.

Tom frowned at the screen.

“It would appear so. I suggest you go to bed early because you are meeting Luke, my publicist tomorrow.”

Molly’s mouth fell open. “Should I be worried?”

Tom smiled at her. “No, I should be.”

#tom hiddleston #tom hiddleston fanfiction #tom hiddleston fanfic #tom hiddleston imagine #tom hiddleston fluff #tom hiddleston x ofc #tom hiddleston angst #tom hiddleston smut #accidently married

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inevitably-johnlocked · 3 years ago

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Funny, Crack and Humour Fics (Part 1)

I’ve been reading your johnlock fan fic recs for quite sometimes and it had been amazing!!

Can you suggest me some fics which are funny and smutty?or just fun to read?

(submitted by @eclecticcolordreamhairdo)

——

jonlokfe asked: Hi Steph, do you have a fan fiction Johnlock humor? O partys with scotland yard?

——–

Hi Lovelies!

Ahh, I’ve gotten a lot of requests lately for funny fics, and I’ve decided to finally just update it. I did a list a LONG time ago, but just never updated it since then. So I guess that’s what I’m doing this time around!

Because I have SO MANY FICS that all the links disappeared, I’m going to release this list in 2 Parts: First half is today, and next weekend I’ll post up the other half of the list <3

So enjoy this week’s list: the shorter fics :)

FUNNY, CRACK, and HUMOUR FICS (Part 1)

See also: Funny and Fluffy Stories

This Kiss by suitesamba (T, 731 w., 1 Ch. || Humour, Drunkenness, Angst, Stag Night) – Stag Night - back at 221B - in a world where Mrs. Hudson doesn’t interrupt the guessing game with the client. Part 1 of The “This” Series

Reunited by MockJayPhoenix12 (K, 753 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Humour, Reunion) – Everything is falling right back into place, but it’s just a little too quick for John. One-shot, drabble, non-slash.

Cigarettes and Shampoo by laura0506 (T, 783 w., 1 Ch. || Humour, Friendship) – John goes to the shops to meet someone he wasn’t supposed to.

Concussions And Good Old Fashioned Awkwardness by Belldere (K+, 894 w., 1 Ch. || Humour, Hospitals, Mild John Whump, Misunderstandings, Platonic Relationship, Concussions, Not-Gay John, Possessive Sherlock) – When John lands himself in hospital… again, all he wants is to just get out of there as soon as possible, too bad his doctor has other ideas about where John may be getting his injuries. Good thing concussions make everything strangely funnier.

A Need To Know Basis by mattsloved1 (G, 934 w., 1 Ch. || Humour, Romance) – As the cab door shut firmly, the DI had yelled out they were to make an appearance at Scotland Yard the next day. It was while John watched London pass by that it happened.

Tidying Up by mattsloved1 (K+, 951 w., 1 Ch. || Humour, Friendship) – John comes home to a thoroughly cleaned flat. Or so it seems.

Realisation by Susie.Donym (K+, 957 w., 1 Ch. || Sally POV, Pre-Slash / Friendship, Humour) – It takes her a while but Sally finally makes a huge realisation.

Texts and Tea by JillianWatson1058 (K, 959 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Texting, Humour, Fluff, POV John, Cranky John) – A John who is woken up at 2:30 in the morning is not a happy John. Sherlock, frankly, doesn’t care. He just wants his tea.

My Unfortunately Average Sized Cranium by Haelia (K+, 996 w., 1 Ch. || Humour, Headache, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Past Drug Use, Doctor John) – In which Sherlock has a migraine. ALMOST Johnlock. Not quite.

Secrets by 796116311389 (G, 1,084 w., 1 Ch. || Drunk Sherlock, Drunk Confessions, Angst, Fluff, Happy Ending, Pining Sherlock) – “He is the best person in the world and sometimes I get sad because I’m not. Not his best person.”

Mizzle by MrsNoggin (K, 1,233 w., 1 Ch || Friendship, Fluff, Platonic Johnlock, Humour, Slice of Life) – John can’t decide if it’s raining or not. Sherlock doesn’t understand.

Hallucinations can’t open doors by Bespectacled dreamer (K+, 1,330 w., 1 Ch. || Reunion, Hurt / Comfort, Friendship, Hallucinations, John’s Wedding, Light Humour) – In which John gets married and Sherlock gets a broken nose.

God Save The Queen by Alice Day (K+, 1,398 w., 1 Ch. || Humour, Mystery, Friendship) – Sherlock has a new case. John is petrified. The Queen is amused.

Out on da pull by I-O-U-a-picture (T, 1,375 w., 1 Ch. || Humour, Friendship) – John going ‘out on da pull’ and getting so close to getting digits so many times but Sherlock just conveniently keeps turning up prattling on about eyeballs in the microwave…

Three Ways Sherlock Conformed to His Stereotype by Jennistar1 (K+, 1,445 w., 1 Ch. || Humour, Cranky Sherlock) – “It’s a hat.” / Urge to roll eyes, quashed. “Yes. I can see that.” / “It’s called a deerstalker.”

You Should Have Let Me Sleep! by theraggedypond (T, 1,542 w., 1 Ch. || Humour, Sleepy Sherlock, Cranky Sherlock, Domestics) – After a three day case with no sleep and hardly any food, Sherlock is recovering from it by playing comatose. John finds out what happens when you wake up London’s favorite consulting detective.

Happy Birthday John by Starlight05 (K, 1,580 w., 1 Ch. || Humour, Friendship, John’s Birthday, Shopping, 3rd Person POV John) – When an important date comes up, Sherlock finds himself doing something he never has before - shopping! But will he succeed and manage to get his best friend a present?

and yes I said yes I will Yes by Mithen (T, 1,662 w., 1 Ch. || Fluff, Humour, Est. Rel. Marriage Proposal) – Sherlock has deduced that John is going to propose to him, and he’s ready to accept. If only John would actually get around to it…

You Can Imagine The Christmas Dinners by johnsarmylady (T, 1,780 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Family, Introspection, Fluff, Post-ASIP) – Set the morning after a Study in Pink, John sits and contemplates Mycroft’s words.

In Which John is a BAMFy MoFo, OMG! by Kantayra (T, 1,835 w., 1 Ch. || Humour) – John’s BAMFness and Sherlock’s damsel-in-distress act are caught forever on camera. So Scotland Yard can mock. A lot.

The Video Footage by bitchinblackframedglasses (K, 1,894 w., 1 Ch. || Humour, Friendship, Fluff, ASiB Missing Scene) – What exactly DID Lestrade film Sherlock doing in A Scandal in Belgravia? Sherlock wants to know, and John tells him.

The Adventure of the Mysterious Appearance of Tissues by Gwen’s Blue Box (K+, 1,910 w., 1 Ch. || Fluff, Humour, Sick John, Caring Sherlock, Hurt/Comfort) – In which there is a case, John has caught a cold and is not interested in investigating, Mrs Hudson is away and Sherlock does the shopping.

Baskerville After Dark by Ttime42 (T, 1,921 w., 1 Ch. || THoB, Friendship, Humor, Bed Sharing, Missing Scenes, Cranky John, Cuddles) – John and Sherlock have to share a bed at Baskerville. Gen, but can be preslash.

Text Me When It’s Over by immaculately-flawed (K+, 1,937 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Humour, Post-TRF, Texting, Sort-Of Pining Sherlock) – After the fall Sherlock starts writing texts to John. Of course, he never sends them… Until he does by accident. Post Reichenbach fic but not angsty.

Cards by Caighlee (K+, 1,954 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Humour, Games) – Sherlock has been without a case for a few days and Molly’s suggested experiment - something with a pig head (ew) - is losing it’s appeal. Can John come up with something that’ll distract Sherlock for a bit longer? And how did John pull off that card trick? Sherlock’ll never know because a magician never tells a secret. Except maybe when faced with a smiling Consulting Detective.

The Perfect Place by SilverSmile (K+, 1,955 w., 1 Ch. || Humour, Romance, 5 and Ones, Fluff, Experiments, Bed Sharing) – Sherlock attempts to find the perfect place to sleep, but his little experiment proves to be far more difficult than expected.

They’re Taking My Wisdom by whitchry9 (K+, 1,939 w., 1 Ch. || Hurt/Comfort, Drugging, Dentists, Friendship, Anxious Sherlock, Humour) – Sherlock goes to the dentist. Of course, being Sherlock, things have to be complicated. Oh and drugs. They’re always fun.

Foresight by niffler09 (K, 2,015 w., 1 Ch. || Humour, Friendship, Holmes Brother Bickering) – It’s raining and neither John nor Sherlock have an umbrella so they huddle under Sherlock’s coat. And then Mycroft walks past and makes smartass remarks.

Caught in the Act – by Mycroft by ShirleyCarlton (E, 2,040 w., 1 Ch. || Unintended Voyeurism, Mycroft’s POV, Blow Job, Humour) – Mycroft had only planted the camera for Sherlock’s own good, simply to keep an eye on his little brother and make sure he was alright. He hadn’t quite meant to see his brother this content, however… Part 4 of Caught In The Act

Never Have I Ever by Hannelore-Grace (T, 2,073 w., 1 Ch. || Humour, Friendship, Drinking Games) – In which the Yarders, Sherlock, and John play the time-honored drinking game.

Denial Isn’t Just a River in Egypt by satanatemycat (T, 2,107 w., 1 Ch. || Humour, Friendship, Texting, Bored/Cranky Sherlock) – In which John makes a bet with a co-worker. If he wins, she shuts up about him and Sherlock being a couple. If he loses… well, that doesn’t matter, because he won’t lose. Because he and Sherlock ARE NOT a couple. Right?

The Imminent Danger of a Tumblr-Night by Loveismyrevolution (T, 2,135 w., 1 Ch. || Tumblr Fics, Friends to Lovers, Sherlock is Out of His Depth, Humour, Fluff, Pining Sherlock, Military Kink, POV Sherlock) – Sherlock gets into trouble when he pretends to know all about John’s favourite social media site - tumblr. To save face he seeks help from one of the bloggers and gains more answers than he had aimed for.

At Least Make It Interesting by amythedork (K, 2,140 w., 1 Ch. || Humour, Angst) – “You’ve reached Sherlock Holmes. For the love of God, if you’re going to leave a message, at least make it an interesting one. If this is Mycroft, then piss off.” / A series of voicemails John left Sherlock throughout their time together.

The Case of the Missing Blogger by nicknack22 (K, 2,147 w., 1 Ch. || Fluff, Humour, Friendship, Worried / Anxious Sherlock) – Alternately titled, The Case of the Oblivious Consulting Detective. In which Sherlock comes out of his mind palace to discover John missing. 221B does not fair well as a result.

Spilt Milk by Erin Giles (K+, 2,222 w., 1 Ch. || Humour, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort) – John comes back from a trip to the supermarket only to take a trip up the stairs. Both shopping and blood are spilled leaving Sherlock to play the role of Doctor.

A Study in Lace by KarlyAnne (E, 2,320 w., 1 Ch. || Established Relationship, Crafty Sherlock, Tiny Lace Panties / Lingerie, Domestics, Experiments, Oral, Masturbation) – “Why do you suppose he was doing that?” “Why do I suppose who was doing what?” “The room. The lace. The secrecy. He was playing with fire in everything he did, and didn’t care one bit. But he had a secret chamber, carefully concealed, solely for the purpose of making lace lingerie. Obviously for personal use. Why?“ Part 1 of The Unintentional Crafts of Sherlock Holmes

Reunions, Rowdiness and Phone Calls by Jennistar1 (T, 2,348 w., 1 Ch. || Humour, Friendship, Drunk John, Low-Key Pining Sherlock) – John goes on a school reunion and gets drunk. Sherlock solves some crimes and gets some interesting phone calls.

Work On Your Balance by speculate (K+, 2,448 w., 1 Ch. || Embarrassed Sherlock, “For A Case”, Skating, Fluff, Friendship, Humour) – In which John is actually pretty good at ice skating, Sherlock’s not and insists it’s all for a case , and Lestrade is pretty amused by it all.

Wintery Hell by Belldere (K+, 2,457 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship & Humour, Christmas) – With Sherlock being roped into spending Christmas with his family, John had his own Christmas all planned out with his other friends and family… That is until he’s extended a forceful invitation from Mycroft and an assumption from Sherlock who, once again, failed to notice John wasn’t in the room when he 'asked’.

Manipulation by sixbynine (K+, 2,566 w., 1 Ch. || Experimenting John, Reverse Psychology) – John Watson is not as unobservant as Sherlock thinks, nor is he above using what he knows. Even if it is just to make sure Sherlock eats and sleeps.

Not Rocket Science by Nitrospira (T, 2,571 w., 1 Ch. || Drama, Humour) – Sherlock and John Watson are handcuffed to a bed while investigating a double homicide on the International Space Station. But Sherlock isn’t sure which is more tedious: a killer on the loose or John’s endless complaints.

Nothing Left Untouched by ForeverShippingJohnlock (K+, 2,617 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Romance, Bed Sharing, Oblivious Sherlock, Anxious/Worried Sherlock, Grumpy John, Fluff and Cuddles) – Sherlock rearranges the flat. So what if John’s bedroom is now a research library. It’s not like John needs a bedroom, he can share with Sherlock. They’re friends and John has obviously slept in close quarters with men before and it’s not like Sherlock sleeps much anyway. It’ll be fine.

Insomnia by TheSingingGirl (K+, 2,635 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Humour, Bed Sharing, Sleepy Sherlock) – Sleep is merely the next frontier in what has become the battle to keep Sherlock alive. It’s because of this that John ends up in bed with a sociopath.

John’s Drawers by JezebelGoldstone (T, 2,646 w., 1 Ch. || Fluff, First Kiss, Romance, Humour) – Sherlock snoops through John’s drawers and finds something… unexpected.

BBCSH 'The Comfort of Company’ by tigersilver (T, 2,769 w., 1 Ch. || Post-TRF/Mary, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Bed Sharing, Grumpy John, Touching, Clingy/Handsy Sherlock, Cranky Sherlock, Fluff and Light Angst) – It’s a trope that John and Sherlock end up sharing in the same bed eventually and I admit I do adore it unconditionally, along with all it infers as to the lowering of defenses and the heightening of trust. I put forth for your consideration that the notion persists because those who think about these things realize these two men are each in dire need of some good company.

Bored Games by patster223 (K+, 2,769 w., 1 Ch. || Cluedo / Board Games, Friendship, Humour) – Sherlock is bored and John decides that they should play Cluedo. In retrospect, it was a truly awful decision.

Your love it feels so good by Hotaru_Tomoe (E, 2,843 w., 1 Ch. || Gay Club / Gay Bar, Lingerie, Stripping, Anal, Crossdressing, Strip Tease, First Time) – Sherlock is last at a quiz night and is forced by Anderson to perform in a gay stripclub. John must be with him, because he will have to record the performance. Sherlock takes the task very seriously. Part 20 of The English job

Tipsy by katkin (T, 2,781 w., 2 Ch. || Humour, Friendship, Drunk Sherlock) – "I love everyone in this room,” he announced proudly.“I know you do, buddy,” John replied “Which is why you’re going to clean this carpet in the morning. Because you’re a good friend.” “I am a good friend!” Sherlock agreed.

All in a Day by chappysmom (K+, 2,920 w., 1 Ch. || Kidnapping, Sherlock POV, Humour, Light Angst, BAMF John) – Oddly enough, it seemed like this time, Sherlock had been kidnapped for no other reason than to pressure John. In other words, this had nothing to do with him. Really, this on top of the blow to the head was enough to make him dizzy.

33 by Indigo Blue.x (K+, 2,936 w., 1 Ch. || Humour) – “I haven’t made a zombie,” Sherlock says scathingly, which would be more convincing if there were not a zombie in the flat.

Right Foot Red by Irrevocably_Sherlocked (E, 3,089 w., 1 Ch. || First Kiss/Time, Board Games, Frottage, Masturbation, PWP, Friends to Lovers, Come as Lube, Come Marking) – …ok, it’s juvenile, but at least it’s a game where touching is allowed. And if something more were to happen, well, John can’t say he’d be too upset about that. “What are the rules of this game?” Sherlock asks, the disdain evident on the word ‘game’. “I spin, you do as I say.” John thinks he sees a slight widening of those pale grey eyes at that, just for a fraction of a second, before it is shut down. Oh, this is interesting, he thinks.

The Sweetest Taste In The World by crossroads (G, 3,121 w., 1 Ch. || First Kiss, Jealous Sherlock, Fluff, Pining, Friends to Lovers) – The sweetest taste in the world is rarely ever the easiest to come by.

How to Court Your Blogger by PipMer (K+, 3,124 w., 1 Ch. || Romance, Humour, Fluff) – Sherlock Holmes sets out to court his flatmate. Things might progress more rapidly if he would inform said flatmate of his intentions.

Entanglement by orphan_account (G, 3,218 w., 1 Ch. || Pining, Confessions, Physics, Texting, Christmas, Mind Palace, Sick Fic, Fluff, Humour, Holidays) - On Christmas Eve, snow covers London, John visits Harry, and Sherlock and Mrs. Hudson untangle some knots.

Bathroom Accessories by Evenlodes_Friend (E, 3,324 w., 1 Ch. || Sex Toys, Butt Plug, First Kiss / Time, Romance, Horny Sherlock, John’s Patience Wears Thin, Humour, Bottomlock) – John discovers that Sherlock has been playing with some very adult toys in the bath.

Apodyopsis by QuinnAnderson (E, 3,347 w.,1 Ch. || PWP, Rough Sex, Table Sex, Anal, Sexual Tension) – Apodyopsis: (æpəʊdaɪˈɒpsɪs) noun. the act of mentally undressing someone. Part 2 of Undressed

Twas The Night by xox-hattii-xox (K+, 3,356 w., 1 Ch. || Humour & Friendship, Christmas, Domestics, Fluff) – Twas the night before Christmas…and Sherlock has had just about enough of the whole thing! 'Really, John, a Santa Hat’ Christmas in 221b, and Sherlock just wants it over with.

The Second Law of Thermodynamics by entanglednow (T, 3,614 w., 1 Ch. || Asexual Sherlock, Bed Sharing, Sharing Body Heat) – In which there’s no heating and there’s a dead owl in Sherlock’s bed. Part 1 of Thermodynamics

Doesn’t Follow Me Everywhere by Janec Shannon (T, 3,784 w., 1 Ch. || Humour and Friendship) – “He doesn’t follow me everywhere, you know.” Silly John, of course he does what with your penchant for getting kidnapped.

Paranoia by Ewebie (M, 3,789 w., 1 Ch. || Humour, Drinking Games, Scotland Yard Gang, Jealous / Possessive Sherlock, Inappropriate Questions, Embarrassed John, Matchmakers) – John and Sherlock join the gang of Scotland Yard for a night of drinking, and it gets a bit personal and revealing.

Equine Arse Anonymity by Kayjaykayme (E, 3,834 w., 1 Ch. || Est. Rel., Public Sex, Coming in Pants, Humour, Halloween, Hand Jobs) – Sherlock needs to speak with suspects at a fancy dress ball. He chooses a couple’s costume for himself and John. It is logical, practical and well thought out. John doesn’t agree and exacts sweet revenge.

Well Begun Is Half Done by Avice (E, 3,897 w.,1 Ch. || Virgin Sherlock, First Time, Anal/Oral, Seduction, John in Charge, Pining Sherlock, John’s Penis, Bottomlock) – Sherlock is putting together an elaborate plan of seducing John. John grows tired of waiting and takes matters into his own hands.

Jukebox by standbygo (T, 3,990 w., 1 Ch. || Fluff, Singing/Music, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Hurt/Comfort, Humour, Friends to Lovers, First Kiss) – After the music halls of Sherlock’s mind palace get damaged by accident, John learns that Sherlock never forgets a song. Even the ones he’d rather forget. But the random singalong brings some unexpected benefits.

Tree Topper by May_Shepard (E, 4,017 w., 1 Ch. || Christmas Tree, Christmas Fluff, Drunken Shenanigans, Smut, First Time, Friends to Lovers) – Sherlock and John are celebrating Christmas the best way they know how–alone together, with booze. They’ve almost finished decorating their tree, but John is determined to find the best way to top it.

The Oolong Disaster by unicornpoe (T, 4,151 w., 1 Ch. || John’s Beard, Fluff, Humour, Frustrated Sherlock, John Takes Care of Sherlock, Case Fic-ish, Pining Sherlock, First Kiss, Possessive Sherlock) – John has a beard. Sherlock has a panic attack.

Sherlock Holmes and the Mysterious Piercing by Lorelei_Lee (E, 4,130 w., 1 Ch. || Travelling, Sherlock is Loud, Secrets, Genital Piercing, First Time, Licking, Coming Nearly Untouched) – John discovers by chance that Sherlock has a piercing. To his surprise John can’t stop thinking about it…

Date Night by inevitably_johnlocked (G, 4,451 w., 1 Ch. || Anxious / Worried Sherlock, Caring John, Schmoopy Fluff, Fidget Cube, Baking / Cooking, Date Night, Established Relationship, POV Sherlock Holmes, Understanding John, Grumpy Sherlock, John’s Bum, Kisses, Hugs, Domestic Fluff, Touching, Hair Petting, Light Humour) – It’s John and Sherlock’s first Date Night as an official couple and Sherlock needs it to be PERFECT. Mrs Hudson helps. Part 7 of I-J’s Tumblr Ficlet Collection

The Care and Keeping of Your Mad Genius by Janieshi (T, 4,553 w., 1 Ch. || Post-TGG, Friendship, Anxious/Worried Sherlock, Light Humour/Teasing, Alternating POV, Cranky Sherlock) – If he hadn’t been so focused on holding the bastard still, John would have laughed aloud. This maniac really thought John was the pet in this dynamic?

Because Blah Blah Blah Happy by cwb (E, 4,578 w., 1 Ch. || Fluff, Cuddles, Kissing, First Kiss, Requited Love, Pining Sherlock) – John is entirely done with the milk situation and gives Sherlock a list of shit he’s pissed about. Sherlock sets out to make John happy. John is happy. Sherlock makes his own list. They are both very, very happy.

Carry On by Mazarin221b (M, 4,647 w., 1 Ch. || 5 and Ones, H/C, Afghanistan, Frottage, Hand Jobs, First Time, Drunk John, Hospitals, Humour, Soft Sex) – Five times John didn’t want to be carried, and one time he did.

Given In Evidence by verityburns (M, 5,034 w., 19 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-TRF, Angst, Drama, Case Fic, Romance, BAMF!John, Submissive Sherlock, First Kiss, Humour) – Coming back from the dead can be a complicated business. With a new case on the horizon, rebuilding a life is one thing… rebuilding a friendship quite another. For Sherlock and John, things may never be just the same…

#steph replies #johnlock fic recs #funny fics #crack fics #my fic recs #submission #send me things #long post

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redux-iterum · 3 years ago

Text

A Kindling: Chapter Two

(AO3 counterpart here.)

A mass of grey exploded from the brush. Before Rusty could so much as blink, he found himself thrown backwards. He landed on his side and rolled a little, grass and ferns and soil catching on his pelt.

Rusty wasted no time in getting to his feet, staring at the big grey tabby that stood across from him. He started to turn, but he was tackled again and knocked onto his back. The tabby loomed over him, bright yellow eyes alight with interest.

Rusty was small enough that he could reach with his back foot and kick the cat in their face. The tabby threw their head back with a noise of surprise and Rusty scrambled upwards again. This time, he didn’t try to run, except to stumble back a bit to give himself space and time to get a good look at his assailant.

This cat—a tom—was quite bigger than Rusty, and significantly furrier; it was hard to tell how much of his size was from his hair alone. His face was large but youthful, making Rusty blink as he realized that he might be around Rusty’s age—which was quite terrifying, given how massive the tom’s paws were. His eyes were the only brightly lit part of his face, and they oddly did not seem angry or even wary. If anything, he looked curious.

“St-stay back,” Rusty stammered anyway, as if he could pose a threat to this monolith. His back paws inched a step or two away. “I’m not here to cause trouble.”

The tabby blinked, and spoke in a much higher, younger voice than Rusty had expected. “Well, that’s obvious. Not that you could.”

Rusty stared. This cat was definitely his age, then. “I just- I was only following that animal, whatever it is.”

The bright eyes widened in shock and sparkled in amusement. “You don’t even know what you were hunting?”

“I…” Rusty’s head lowered and his shoulders hunched of their own accord, embarrassment warming his ears. “No.”

“Wooow,” the tabby said, sounding genuinely awed. “You kittypets really are sheltered. Even a kit knows what a mouse is.”

‘Mouse’, Rusty thought, even more embarrassed. He had heard the word before, but never had an image attached to it. Now it seemed painfully obvious that he had been after a mouse. His ears burned, sliding back to fold against his head.

Eager to get away from this feeling, he changed the topic. “What’s a kittypet?”

“Uh, you?” The tabby’s eyes scanned him with bafflement. “You live in those houses with the humans, right? You’ve got a collar.”

Rusty didn’t know how this cat managed to make having a collar sound scornful. “I-I do, yeah. I live with my human.”

“So you’re a kittypet.” The tabby gave a self-satisfactory nod. “And you really shouldn’t be on our territory, hunting our food. You’ve got food at home.”

“I do,” Rusty repeated, quieter. He wanted to huddle again. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to intrude.”

The tabby eyed him doubtfully before abruptly turning his head back and calling into the woods, “Is that the answer you wanted, Bluestar?”

“More or less,” said someone else.

Rusty jolted upright as two cats, both even larger than the tabby, pushed out of the undergrowth. One of them was a dark red tom with white feet, and the other, the tallest of the three, was a magnificent blue-grey molly who only had to glance at Rusty to make him want to bow his head in respect. Both of them had long hair, like the tabby, and both of them had grave, hardened faces, though their eyes were alert and more youthful.

“I had been hoping to see more of a fight,” the molly said, her voice low and commanding, “but we can take it from here, Greypaw, thank you.”

The tabby—Greypaw, rather—immediately took several steps back to allow the older cats to approach Rusty. Rusty stood, frozen in place, as they moved forward with slow, deliberate, incredibly intimidating steps, until they were within a tail-length of him. The red tom tilted his head a little, quietly regarding Rusty.

The molly looked down at Rusty. “Hello, Rusty. I am Bluestar.”

Rusty swallowed, too nervous to wonder where she got his name. “Hello.”

Bluestar had to have noticed his nervousness, because her tone softened a little. “I’m the leader of ThunderClan, the Clan that owns this forest.”

So they are real, Rusty thought, eyes wide.

“This—” Bluestar nodded to the tom “—is Redtail, and you know Greypaw already. We’ve come to speak with you tonight.”

Rusty blinked. “M-me? Why?”

Redtail spoke now, and his voice was much warmer, easing Rusty’s anxiety a little. “We’ve noticed you for a while now, staring into our woods since you came to live with the humans. We actually expected that you would wander past the border someday. It was a lucky coincidence that we decided to talk to you tonight, just as you trespassed.”

“Oh.” Rusty lowered his chin a little, embarrassed again. “I didn’t realize this wasn’t a place I could explore. I mean, I heard you chase house cats away, but I just… I was too curious, and my friend—”

Bluestar cleared her throat quietly and Rusty immediately clamped his mouth shut. “You don’t need to make excuses, Rusty. We’re not upset with you.”

Somehow, that didn’t make him feel any more relieved.

“We had Greypaw attack you to see how you’d react,” she said. “And while you’re not exactly strong, you were honorable about coming here uninvited, and we respect that.”

Redtail suddenly walked forward and began circling Rusty, sniffing him. He and his tail were long enough that they formed a complete ring around Rusty. He stayed perfectly still, keeping his eyes on Bluestar, having a feeling that that was the correct choice.

“Now let me ask you…” Bluestar’s head tipped to one side just a fraction as she appraised the little house cat. “Are you satisfied with your life as a kittypet? Are you content to live in a house, wearing a collar, eating those pellets forever?”

Rusty blinked, caught off-guard by the sudden questions. “It’s- it’s been pretty boring, honestly. I…”

He trailed off, unsure of where to go with this.

Bluestar nodded with a subtle sense of encouragement. “Go ahead. How do you feel being a kittypet?”

Rusty took a moment to gather his thoughts before continuing. “I guess I would say that it feels… easy. Which, I don’t think that’s a bad thing for some, but I’m always bored when I’m home. If- well, if you have been watching me, you must have seen me going into everybody else’s yards. I irritate some of my neighbors, and I don’t mean to, but I can’t help it. Just staying inside, or in my own yard, I get restless. The only reason I haven’t come here before is because of the rumors about you. That you chase off strangers, and things like that.”

He happened to glance at Greypaw, who was now much closer, like he had been sneaking up to listen in better. The tom seemed quite intrigued by Rusty’s speech—almost eager, if Rusty wasn’t mistaken. For what, though, he wasn’t sure.

Bluestar spoke again and Rusty immediately returned his attention to her. “Then you would leave your kittypet life, if you think you could.”

Rusty considered this idea for a few heartbeats, then nodded. “I would. My friend would think I’m crazy, but I’d love to see what else is out there. I just don’t know if I can.”

Redtail paused as he came around to Rusty’s head and silently caught his eyes. He looked pleased. “I think you can, chrii, if you really want to.”

“Then you agree?” Bluestar said to him.

Redtail nodded. “It’s worth a try.”

“Very good.” Bluestar turned back to Rusty. “Then we have an offer for you.”

Rusty held his breath without quite knowing why.

“If you are willing to leave your kittypet life behind,” Bluestar said, lowering her head a little to meet Rusty’s eye level, “and if you are willing to work hard and learn our ways, ThunderClan would be interested in having you join us.”

Rusty’s eyes widened. Something in his chest flared to life in a way he had not felt before. “Me? T-to be a Clan cat?”

“That’s right.” Bluestar met his eyes with a pale, serious stare. “I will warn you now—Clan life is not for everyone. You will need to hunt for food, and defend our borders, and live with many other cats who may not all like you at first. You’d have to change your name to something like our names. We don’t have your human healing powers out here. You could get sick or injured, and you won’t have the humans as an option for help.”

“And we have a Code we live by,” Redtail added, also looking Rusty in the eye—though his gaze was much less intimidating. “You’ll have to follow our rules and obey your superiors. And, most importantly, you can’t come back to your human for any reason.”

Rusty blinked. “Why not?”

“We stay away from humans,” Redtail said. “We don’t take food from them, we don’t play with their cats, and we don’t go into the Houses unless we’re forced to. We take care of ourselves.”

“That means that you would have to say goodbye to your friend.” Bluestar caught Rusty’s attention now. “You won’t be able to go to his home and play with him anymore.”

A great deal of these warnings, oddly, did not bother Rusty, but as soon as this last condition was given, he hesitated. “…Could I at least talk to him?”

“No,” Bluestar said. “If you are one of us, you don’t talk to kittypets.”

Rusty’s eyes lowered to the ground. Losing all contact with Smudge was a hefty price for��

“It sounds like a really difficult life,” he said, looking back up at Bluestar. “Is it all that bad?”

Bluestar’s eyes crinkled, surprisingly humorous. “No, of course not. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be doing it.”

“Being a Clan cat is great!” Greypaw burst out. His huge paws almost tripped over each other as he closed the distance between him and the rest of the group. “We eat real food, and we have the forest all to ourselves, and we’re so strong we scare all the cats in the Aulmir and Houses, and we—”

“Greypaw,” Redtail said patiently.

Greypaw’s ears went down, but he didn’t fully deflate. “Sorry. I just think he’d really like it.”

“I do too.” Redtail looked at Rusty. “Being part of ThunderClan means you’re courageous and powerful. You have a community who will fight to the death to protect you from any danger.”

“Even at first?” Rusty asked.

“Even at first,” Redtail affirmed. “We have our great wide forest, and we still travel to different places and meet with different cats—the other Clans that live nearby. You’ll get to learn a great deal of new things, all the while living a real life, running and climbing and hunting.” He cocked his head to the side almost fondly. “And we have many stories to share with you. I think you’d be interested in those.”

“What do you think, Rusty?” Bluestar said.

All three ThunderClan cats watched him expectantly as he focused hard, considering his options. Exploring, hunting mice, meeting new cats: it all sounded exciting. He didn’t mind the work that would come with being feral, if he had those cats that could support him while he learned their ways. He didn’t even really mind the idea of changing his name.

But the risk of getting hurt or sick, having to abandon Smudge, and the warning that he might not be welcomed initially…

He looked at Bluestar. “I don’t know what to do. It’s a lot to think about.”

“That’s alright.” Bluestar straightened up again, returning to her businesslike posture. “I know it’s a big change from what you’re used to. We can give you two days to think about it. The night after tomorrow, there will be two warriors waiting for you at the edge of this forest. You can give them your answer. If you decide to join us, they’ll take you to our camp.”

“And that’ll be it?” Rusty asked.

“No more kittypet business,” Redtail said. “You’ll give all that up if you say yes.”

“Huh.” Rusty’s eyes returned to the ground as he considered this. He nodded slowly. “I would like to think it over, if that’s okay.”

“That’s why we offered it.” Redtail gave him a friendly tap on his back with his enormously fluffy tail. “I hope to see you in our camp soon, Rusty. Until then, I think it’s time for you to go home.”

“We do have a patrol to continue,” Bluestar said, not too unkindly. “Consider things carefully, Rusty. It’s all or nothing. If you say no, you aren’t welcome back in this forest.”

Rusty was a little worried by that last note, but he said, “Okay. Thank you, Bluestar. For the offer. Regardless of what I say.”

Bluestar looked down on him, but with approval in her eyes. “We’ll see you soon.”

With that, she jerked her head to the side and Greypaw approached, nosing Rusty’s shoulder and almost knocking him over. “Come on, I’ll take you back to the border.”

Rusty cleared his throat and dipped his head respectfully to Bluestar and Redtail before hurrying after the departing Greypaw. When he caught up, he opened his mouth to ask a question, but Greypaw spoke first.

“It’d be cool if you joined us,” he said. “You seem nice. And the other apprentices are either too shy or too up their own prats to hang out. I’ll help you learn the trade, if you come back.”

Rusty blinked, surprised by the offer. “Well… thank you.”

“You’ll get a much cooler name than ‘Rusty’, too.” Greypaw snorted. “’Rusty’, really, who named you?”

“My mother,” Rusty said, and couldn’t help digging back a little. “Not much weirder than ‘Greypaw’ and ‘Bluestar’ and ‘Redtail’. What if I get a weird name?”

“You won’t,” Greypaw said. “I’m sure of it.”

The two couldn’t talk any further; they had reached the end of the forest and Rusty could see his house (and a panicked Smudge) from here. He looked back at Greypaw, and was surprised by the earnest eagerness on his face.

“Hope to see you again, kittypet,” he said.

Rusty, not sure what to say, gave him a nod and started for his fence. He heard Greypaw rustling through the ferns and grass and disappearing into the woods. He didn’t look back. He had a feeling he would be tempted to return there if he did.

“You’re okay!” Smudge cried when he was close enough to speak. “I saw that cat—he’s huge! How did he not kill you?”

“He didn’t want to.” Rusty bunched up his haunches and leaped onto the fence. He turned to Smudge, unaware of his fur flaring and his eyes sparkling. “You are not going to believe what happened.”

#warrior cats #warriors redux iterum #iterum #a kindling #chapter #chapter two #book one #arc one

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