#and all my mom does is invalidate me in this shes like YOU EXHAUST YOURSELF ON PURPOSE ITS NOT SOMETHING YOU CONTROL SO DONT THINK ABOUT IT | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ichorhalf · 4 years

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❛ wipe the 𝒃𝒍𝒐𝒐𝒅 off your hands , little owl – it doesn’t matter . you’re still a 𝐦𝐮𝐫𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐫 . ❜

❝ you’re hardly innocent yourself , 𝒎𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓 – godhood looks cruel on you ; if i had to do it again , 𝐢 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝𝐧'𝐭 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞 𝐚 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 . ❞

𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐭 , 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐬 , 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬

excuse the dramatics , but hello ! i’m cc , can’t read , can’t write BUT i will be dramatic about it nonetheless . i am SO excited for this , i am the biggest pjo fan in the world & i love pjo rps sm i have been blessed by the gods , paige & dani with this . dana is a very old muse i used to have & recently re fell in love w , so here she is . tidbits before diving in : she fought for kronos & the titans in the war , she’s a daughter of athena that spent five years unclaimed in the hermes cabin & she is for the new cabins – it’s what she was fighting for anyway . if you’d like to plot PLS like this & i’ll come to u , uwu . p.s this is long for no reason PLS come to me if u want a tl;dr .

〔 JEON HEEJIN, TWENTY, CIS FEMALE, TELUMKINESIS 〕╰ DANA AHN just came over half - blood hill . you know , the child of ATHENA who was claimed four years ago ? i’ve heard chiron say that she is INSTINCTUAL & COGENT , but if you ask the aphrodite kids , they’d say they’re DISPARAGING & GLACIAL . i’d say they remind me of quiet grief spent in lonely hours – invalidated by people she swears never cared for her , watching a new constellation form with crystalline tears in exhausted eyes , a lethal slice of celestial bronze ; it brands her a traitor & pile of painted beads crushed underfoot when loyalties are chosen , especially since they’re FOR THE NEW CABINS .

❛ 𝖈𝖍𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖊𝖗 𝖔𝖓𝖊 ╱ 𝐚𝐛𝐫𝐢𝐝𝐠𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭

inspiration

❛ you’re a monster . ❜ ❝ better a monster , than an arrogant god . ❞

ethan nakamura ( percy jackson & the olympians ) , ❛ one of my sons recently traded an eye for the ability to make a real difference in the world. ❜

❝ no one made me , i made me – so give me a bitter glory . ❞

cato ( the hunger games ) , ❛ go on . i’m dead anyway. i always was, right ? i didn’t know that till now . ❜

❝ am i the villain in your story , when i was always the hero in mine ? ❞

erik killmonger ( black panther ) , ❛ the world took everything away from me ! everything i ever loved ! ❜

full name . ahn ji su / dana ahn nickname(s) / aliases . dane , traitor age . twenty gender / pronouns . cis gendered female , she / her orientation . demisexual , panromantic hometown . boston , massachusetts faceclaim . jeon heejin

aesthetic . a walking plethora of bad decisions made by a rotting heart , remnants of red rimmed eyes after losing so much more than others in the war , the quiet , ominous static electricity before a lightning strike , watching a new constellation form with crystalline tears in her exhausted eyes , a lethal slice of celestial bronze ; it brands her a traitor , shouting commands over the sounds of her kind dying at her feet & a pile of painted beads crushed underfoot when loyalties are chosen .

label . the premonition , the potentate , the traitorous moral alignments . chaotic good / chaotic neutral ( + ) positives . strategic , instinctual , cogent , potent ( - ) negatives . fustian , disparaging , glacial , acerbic hogwarts house . gryffindor godly parent . athena deadly sin . pride fatal flaw . holding grudges

❛ 𝖈𝖍𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖊𝖗 𝖙𝖜𝖔 ╱ 𝐜𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐢𝐜𝐥𝐞

TRIGGER WARNING : death , murder , injury description

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐢 . her mother , a goddess in her own right ; ahn soo ah joins the navy as kennedy ahn . bright eyed & wise beyond her years , she graduates from the united states naval academy with notable achievements under her belt . she is astute , a walking resource that the navy uses as a strategist – one of the brightest minds of her generation , gone unknown as she helps the military create top secret missions . war written & loved , kennedy has an affinity for battle – she attracts many people that she knows are more than human . but they search for romance , they ask for her love when kennedy has never sought after it – romance comes slow to her , it’s a process & the only person to get that is a grey - eyed liaison named dana astbury . she arrives in a swirl of intuitiveness & intelligent that’s incredibly attractive – but their connection isn’t one based on romance . the way their minds bond is unlike anything kennedy has ever felt before – she’s eager to work with her for the short time ; together they create the perfect brain child . two months after astbury’s departure , a golden bassinet appears with a baby girl wrapped in silk – the product of two of the wisest minds , a mix of godhood & mortality . kennedy doesn’t know who the goddess really is , but she knows the baby is hers .

she grows as ji su , americanized as dana – the smartest woman kennedy has ever gotten to meet & dana grows up loved . what the gods lack in familial love , mankind makes up for it ; ji su , as called by only her mom , grows into a remarkable child . grey eyes that look like they belong to a middle aged woman , a mind that knows too much for someone so young – they see everything . the horns hidden the mailman’s hair , the one eyed man giving her a kind smile when she hands him a daisy , the winged creatures flying over her mom’s new job ; dana holds enough wisdom to make a god stop . kennedy loves her more than herself , waters her with knowledge & sunshine to raise her as an extraordinary human being . dana never knows life without love until she returns home from an after school club just in time to see a creature hold a sword of celestial bronze through her mom . ten years old , witnessing her a woman with one goat leg & one metal leg kill kennedy – on the basis that kennedy knew something about olympus . she didn’t , but she paid the price anyway & dana runs after the creature , intent on getting revenge .

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐢𝐢 . labelled officially as a missing person , it’s a lot harder than she thinks to survive without getting caught . but dana has always been smart , she is sharp , witty & quick on her feet . it takes only DAYS for her to find the creature – an empousa , learned from research & any other monster that’ll help her . the monsters on the streets are kind to her , they spot a helpless demigod with a dirt caked face & dana doesn’t know it , but it’s the most kindness she’ll experience for years . a month later , the celestial sword taken from the empousa hangs on her hip – along with a lessoned learned ; vengeance & revenge don’t feel as good as she thought it would . the monster’s dead , but so is her mom . a prayer sent to gods of every pantheon – greek , roman , egyptian , norse ; she asks for help , for a blessing because she knows they’re real & if they’re real , wouldn’t they help a child ? NO ANSWER . it takes another month before she stumbles past the borders of camp half blood , bloodied & bruised . it’s chiron who shows her around , places her in the hermes cabin with other greek demigods like her . some have lesser gods as parents , some – like her – are unclaimed . the game , to figure out which god is her parent , which god has deemed her unworthy to sit alone in the hermes cabin . everyone knows – even she does , the eyes are a dead giveaway .

but the claim doesn’t come & what’s supposed to be home quickly turns into a prison . she wastes away alongside the bitter , she barely gets to go on quests ( on the basis that upon completion , she’ll be claimed – mr . d tells her to shove it , chiron agrees with her ) only to return empty handed with one less companion . scar after scar , death after death , she turns to the gods empty handed , rid of the offerings she used to make . a CURSE upon athena , a CURSE on all the gods who sit by & watch their children fight THEIR battles . demigods , their children , born to be pawns for the divine – to fight enemies their parents made for them , to DIE so the olympians don’t have to . resentment in her core , she falls into ranks with the blond boy in cabin eleven . luke castellan , the one who whispers with the sleeping one , the scarred boy who promises her glory & change . the gods need a wake up call , who better to give it than their children ? she leaves the summer after the son of poseidon arrives – keeps a hand on luke’s shoulder with a promise of changing the way the gods treat their children .

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐢𝐢𝐢 . a year spent with a rising army before luke asks her to go back . thalia’s tree is dying , an inside man or two never hurt anybody . a little bit stronger , a little bit more trained , she arrives at the same place she had stumbled into five years prior – four years stuck in the hermes camp , one spent on the run with a boy king . almost immediately upon her arrival , a blessing is sent from athena – some call it a welcome back , but dana is smart enough to know the true reasoning behind her claim . the gods are scared , athena herself knows of dana’s potential & the claim is an attempt at appeasing her but dana is far too gone . it’s not enough , she leaves when the golden fleece is brought back . one of many demigods to go missing , she finds solace on board the princess andromeda . the monsters here have shown her more kindness & familial love than the gods ever have . under luke’s instruction , she grows into a formidable opponent – boasting extraordinary skill with any weapon she chooses . she grows closer to the commander as well , shares his troubles from a distance while she keeps her head down . dana pledges herself to his cause , pledges to stand by himself through all of it & mourns luke when kronos arrives in his place . blue eyes turn to gold , dana goes from warrior to sword .

chosen by kronos himself , she spends an unprecedented amount of time with the titan – often out of sight from other demigods . he freezes time for them ( like he does every demigod he chooses to twist ) , fractions of the care she’s always searched for shining through the cracks ; she learns a different way of fighting , a different way of feeling , of thinking . dana learns from the best a titan reminding her of her worth . wrapped in resentment & the blessing of a titan , respect turns to admiration to a twisted psyche before she’s gearing up for the battle of the labyrinth with a sour reminder – the gods never cared , he did . with her features hidden behind a helmet made of GOLD , she proves her prowess erupting from the labyrinth , striking down demigods & the family that never cared for her . after an untimely defeat , one more year is spent preparing . underneath his instruction , dana continues to grow into a weapon at his disposal & she’s blind to the obvious fact – he never loved her , she’s simply a tool for them to use . blindly naive , she continues to launch herself into battle , lay her life down in hopes of waking the gods up . she ascends to her peak , unaware that everyone is waiting for her to come crashing down .

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐢𝐯 . charged with her own command in the battle for manhattan , monsters & demigods alike listen to her orders . demigods of her own kind fall under her sword & she doesn’t know it , but dana is only one of many chosen champions – one small member of a small class . they’re all tools at his disposal & he’s manipulated them all in their own ways ; to the other demigod commander slain by an arrow , he promised glory . to the other commander who charges the hunters of artemis , he promised revenge . to dana , struck down by a celestial bronze sword , he promised love . they all have their titles gifted to them , unbeknownst that NOBODY takes them seriously . demigods , they’re pawns in kronos’s game . it isn’t her first time being injured in battle , often times she returns to him & lets him take back the injury , watches her cuts close up underneath his power – but this time ; hubris mixes with wrath & she lets her guard down . her hands around her neck & blood pours from a deep cut that silences her , stranger’s hands wrap around her armor straps as she’s pulled into safety , holding back blood with pale fingers . she chokes on her own blood while her life is begged for , she’s close to the underworld when she’s healed by people she swears never cared for her . her survival is a travesty – to both her & camp half blood alike ; apollo himself tries to heal her fully , but in punishment he lets her suffer . twenty years old , her throat slit in retribution for her actions .

after the war , a month spent recovering as she radiates like a beacon of disappointment . grief , for the titan & his host – mixed with resentment & distrust . they’re split on whether she should stay – she chose the opposite side until her dying breath , the demigods that saved her can still account for the blood flung from her mouth while she tried to curse them . so she keeps her distance , but she stays because she has nowhere else to go – no degree , no identification , not direction . in the rivalry , she keeps her mouth shut but she stands with the cabins – it’s everything she fought for , it’s all the forgotten wanted & she’ll gladly go to war for it again . but , she’s changed – the image of a lethal opponent turned to crestfallen girl . she doesn’t talk much anymore , she doesn’t use her ability for much , doesn’t train , doesn’t fight . most often found with a couple of scared satyrs while she spends the day at arts & crafts . but though quiet , she still harbors unimaginable HATRED for the gods – she’ll never love or respect them the way they want her to . they want her to shed her title of traitor but refuse to call her the sword of kronos , they want her to beg for a new title at their feet ; dana will never beg them for anything .

❛ 𝖈𝖍𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖊𝖗 𝖙𝖍𝖗𝖊𝖊 ╱ 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧

exterior . an outlier in camp , dana pretty much spent more time with the titans than she did at camp half blood . a faint scar on her neck , she wears it like a brand burned onto her skin . despite the power that she displays ( a gift of telumkinesis , along with skill & prowess learned by both kronos & luke himself ) , she doesn’t use her power for much these days . cogent , she’s good with her words & swaying people onto her side – which she used a lot more during the war , since these days she mostly keeps her mouth shut .

a beacon of pessimistic energy , dana still isn’t shy about her dislike for the gods . she says often , that if she had to do it all again , she wouldn’t change a thing . the gods continue to disappoint her , continue to wrong her & do everything in the crudest of ways , so dana continues to be a blasphemous follower in the camp . she’s still here simply because she has nowhere else to go – no degree , no schooling , nothing to give her a way out – dana’s technically still a missing person anyway ; so until she figures out a permanent way to leave , she’s stuck .

interior . she almost misses kronos – at this point , she can see that he was the greatest manipulator of all but she really felt so loved underneath him . he saw her for her , molded her into an outstanding warrior & dana owes him EVERYTHING . but she understands now how bad he is , how much chaos could’ve been unleashed had he won , but it doesn’t erase the twisted care she still holds for luke or the quiet idolization that still lingers for kronos . she held a title in the titan army & it still makes her see red when she thinks about how she went from the sword of kronos to traitor in the blink of an eye .

honed with pessimism , dana is still incredibly intelligent , incredibly potent but she spends a lot of time alone . she prefers the isolation in contrast to spending time with her siblings or any other demigod ; festers alone in very toxic thoughts about ‘ hm shoulda died hate it here ’ vibes . a lot of regret , a lot of very twisted thoughts having grown up with the Worst Villain Ever pretty much raising her .

midway . an entirely too gifted demigod , completely wasted on the bad guys . in a theoretical letter from athena , dana’s godly mother expresses her disappointment that she created such a potent warrior just to watch her fight for the wrong side . determined to give up her powers , she was only recently informed she HAD telumkinesis . convinced she had been trained by a titan himself & that’s where her weaponry mastery stemmed from , she’s learned that it all stems from a power .

still , she has room to grow ; in her dreams sent by the goddess herself , she’s been told that should she want a new title , she would have t o earn it – but does she want it ? does she want to use her power to fight for the gods that have only ever seen her as a weapon ? dana doesn’t know , she frankly doesn’t care enough right now .

❛ 𝖈𝖍𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖊𝖗 𝖋𝖔𝖚𝖗 ╱ 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧

as usual , this got way too fuckin long & i’m so sorry but dana’s an old & complicated muse . tl;dr , fought w the titans , kronos trained her personally ( & manipulated her , mayb there was a lil sumn sumn but she’s , in my opinion , dumb & didn’t realize she was bein played ) , she almost fuckin died & was saved by the people she was fighting even though she herself killed numerous demigods & now is a quiet , pessimistic loner . hee hee , all her connections are here , all her wanted connects are here . if u read this all i guess i owe you my life !

#ambrosia:intro #* ◟ . 𝒅𝒂𝒏𝒂 𝒂. ─ 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄𝐃 𝐔𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑 ╱ development #[ blows a kiss to south korea ] for loona

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not-a-red-rose · 4 years

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Bit of a long read.

Warning: Topics are somehow sensitive, but please read, for this is also a way of education (or maybe you’ll just find out I’m a bad person, that depends lol.) But if you’ve got time, if you can make time, please read this. I accept constructive criticisms, some arguments that do not involve ad hominem, and additions if ever you are willing to say there is.

So, it's been approximately 5 years since I strayed away from being masungit and maldita (mean and snobby), because my Mom and Dad got a lot of trouble because of it (I did get a lot of trouble, too, only I didn't mind, because I really didn't care) and now I love being compassionate and kind

I really do, because I can't also stand an environment where most of the people are mean-spirited and always angry. I wanted to build a soft and light environment, so I tried to be soft and light, too.

Because change starts within, don’t you think?

So I did, and I became very good at it.

It feels great to see and watch people grow comfortable with their own skin around you because you don't judge them. It feels great to see and watch people love themselves more because they can see that you love them for who they are. It feels great to make people feel great and give them the love they deserve, because we are all human, and we don't deserve to always be shut down by people who suffer inside of themselves. So we create bonds, we love people for who they are, we eat with them, we cry with them, we laugh with them, we pat their backs when they are defeated and helpless, we shout “I’m proud of you!” to their faces when we feel proud of them, and we begin being kind.

But now that I have been terribly woken up by realizations, shaped by my experiences, and taught with other's advices, I am also beginning to see the predators in our forest.

I will sometimes think that maybe we aren't always aware that we are being predators, sometimes we are as clueless as the preys and we don't know any better. Sometimes we can be the toxic ones, too, so there is no point in stopping our self-development and realizations. Everyone starts as clueless and inexperienced— oftentimes, a monster isn’t a monster because he is evil, it is because he refuses to change so, even when he knows he is.

Bad people only become truly bad when they don’t care about being better.

I am not perfect, I am not all-knowing, I became a predator, too, for far too many times than I can count, and I am still trying and learning how not to be. But here are some of the things I realized:

• The awful mindset of our society is that if someone's kind, they are supposed to tolerate everything you do. (even and especially gaslighting, guilt-tripping, backstabbing then denying it later, always saying "yes," and being soft even when hurt and angry.)

No. People who are kind do not deserve such abuse and manipulation (we don’t deserve abuse and manipulations,) so please, quit saying, “mabait naman ‘yan si ano e, okay lang ‘yan sa kan’ya!” (Don’t stress about it too much, she’s kind, so that’ll be okay for her!)

And what, you’re going to victim-blame again? You’ll say, “you’re too kind, you’re teaching people to step all over you.” Dude, I’m not teaching them anything like that, really, they are teaching that to themselves because they want to abuse and take advantage of the kindness. If there is no kindness because kind people took your advice to not be kind so people won’t step all over them, then what would become of our world? Common sense, sweetheart.

• Normalize saying no. If you mean no, say no. If you mean maybe, say maybe. If you mean I’ll try, say I’ll try. If you mean yes, say yes. Normalize saying and receiving no, not everyone has to agree and do what you suggest them to do.

Normalize saying no, if no is what you want to say. I don't care if they hail you as a saint and they label you as someone who tolerates everything. Say no if you mean no. Say it firmly. Don't waver. Your voice may shake but say no if what you mean is no.

(“Normalize saying no” doesn't just tackle suitors and people who want to be your lover. This also tackles people you don't want to spend time with, things you don't want to do, places you don't want to go to, words you don't want to say, and etc.)

say no. say it loudly. say it firmly.

• Unfortunately, we are not educated about gaslighting and guilt-tripping, or any psychological/mental manipulations, enough to defend our own selves from manipulators, narcissists, and terrible behaviors of people.

We should be educated.

Please read verified and credible articles about it, listen to classes when it’s the topic, research about it, observe it. You may be doing it, too, so please learn about it.

• We should stay away from "friends" who hurt, invalidate, manipulate, abuse, and force you to do things you do not want to do. I don't care if it makes you alone-- alone is better than being with people who will just use and hurt you.

• Do not try to repaint red flags. Red flags are red flags, unless you are color blind, although please do not be figuratively color blind. If you cannot settle it through peaceful conversations and negotiations, it’s time to cut ties. CUT TIES. No one is important enough, for you to stay with them even when they exhaust and drain the hell outta you. Let them go. If they don’t wanna walk away, then you do the walking away. Don’t stay there. Life is too short to deal with people who take and take and take and take your peace and who obliges you to fix them.

• I do not have any idea how to say this properly— but you cannot expect your romantic partner/ lover to take the heavy weight of your mental messes and emotional baggage just because you cannot deal with it yourself. Stop dropping all the weight to someone and expecting them to fix you because you are broken.

I am not invalidating the love lives of lovers who stay through each other’s destructive jealousies and insecurities— I am only saying that we don’t have to. We aren’t obligated to fix an individual just because we love them. That’s what’s cruel there, when we find someone we can and will love and we would like them to be in our future, but they come across as toxic and draining and destructive, and they don’t want to adjust to be a better person, we gotta let go of them.

It is always your choice if you’re going to stay with them— if you can and you want to, then stay. If you can’t and you don’t want to, then don’t.

This may sound harsh and (even) evil, but normalize leaving people when you cannot deal with them any longer. Normalize leaving people. Normalize people leaving you. Those who can and who want to stay will stay, will always find reasons to come back, and will always stay. Remember that.

• Normalize rebuking and criticizing the ideas of the people who make rape, poverty, mental illness, and anything-that-shouldn’t-be-joked-about jokes. Normalize criticizing, standing up to it whether it came from your parents, a very dear friend, or a romantic partner. Sensitivity shall not be filtered. Respect shall not be filtered. Note that I said “ideas of the people” not “the people” because we should not hate people so easily, maybe they just need a little education, a little more push to leave that mindset and perspective.

Well, if they have been presented with enough and sufficient facts of why they shouldn’t think like that and shouldn’t joke about that, but they still haven’t changed their mind, let us go back to what I said earlier.

Bad people only become truly bad when they don’t care about being better. :>

• Say what you mean and mean what you say (this one is the hardest so far because man, we are reckless with words.) Like what I said earlier— about the saying no. If you say yes, darling, I do hope you mean yes. If you make a promise, do your best to meet it! Treat your words like they represent your dignity, because oftentimes, they do. You believe it or not, words are powerful. It can heal and mend, but it can also tarnish and destroy.

“The words you speak become the house you live in.” ― Hafiz

• We all need healing. We all have wounds we need to heal from. I do not know jack about your problems and you might not know about mine, but we cannot deny that we need healing. Because if we deny, and we think that we’re a-ok even when we are not, the wounds will remain wounds and we will bleed on people who did not cause it. We will punish others because we are experiencing anguish inside of us. Do not let that be you. Be soft on yourself enough to acknowledge that you are hurt and in need of healing— that way, you are soft and tender with others, too.

• What you feel isn’t always what I feel, and what I feel isn’t always what you feel. We have different capacities, different perspectives, different emotional wavelengths. What’s trouble for me can not be trouble for you, and vice versa. However, that does not give us any power to disregard what others feel. We need a lot of understanding in this life, and acceptance towards the diversity of every aspect in our lives. Respect is needed, always respect. Respect should be the default (that being a default, it can also be lost).

(But this^^ doesn’t always apply to all things such as being homophobic and racist, because that perspective and mindset drives one to disrespect existence, and even act out violently, set prejudices and be downright inhumane. That is not what I am talking about.)

This is not all, but if I type all I might accidentally write a book about it, so this stops, for now. Note that your understanding of the words I’ve said depends on how well you interpret it, whether you have prejudices or you do not, whether you will use it for good purposes or for bad.

#quarantine thoughts #midnight thoughts #normalize #society #societal #behavioral #mental #psychological #analysis #realizations #accepting arguments about this #don't be shy to argue with me #but please no ad hominem

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cherrincity · 4 years

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Cherrin City Soundbytes Casting Call

Hi all! I’m making a new podcast and I’d love to get some voice actors in it! Tag a friend you think would be interested!

Cherrin City Soundbytes is an anthology series about the lives of people living in the world's most prominent city of superheroes. Ranging from annoyingly mundane to cosmically fantastic, these stories try to capture the reality of this world's average. What get to be mundane when a bug alien from outer space saves your life? What is moral when a laid off employee tries to drown only the financial district? Most people are just trying to get by, and this is what we get to hear. As the name implies, these episodes will mostly be short. The show focuses on the humanity of people, despite their fantastical environment. The episodes will tend to be kind of... somber, but not devoid of hope.

Cherrin City Soundbytes is a Piece of Cake Podcasting Network Production! As such, we highly encourage Black, Indigenous and Mixed voice actors, as well as other actors of colour to audition, though others may do so as long as they respect the listed identities of the characters. Again to reiterate: please audition for parts that reflect your identity. For example, if you are not South Asian, do not audition for the specifically South Asian roles. If you are not nonbinary, please do not audition for the specifically nonbinary roles. Alternatively, if a role has its gender listed as open, that means any person of any gender may audition for that role. There are 17 different roles, so please stick to the ones that fit you or can accommodate you! In addition to this, please be 18 years of age or older to audition.

For each audition, you may do up to three takes of each line. Please compile them all into a single .mp3 or .wav file. If you are accepted for this podcast, we will be doing remote recordings with mandatory synchronous table reads. Please audition with the recording space you will use if hired. These roles will be paid $40 CAD over paypal.

Content warnings for this year of production include: violence, foul language, body horror, death, kidnapping, manipulation, body dysphoria and large insects. Not all warnings apply for every role; please feel free to send an email to [email protected] for more information or for any other questions you may have. Auditions will be open until October 31st, 2020.

Please note that all auditions must be sent through the google form link below. Any auditions sent to the email will be invalid. Feel free to audition for as many roles as you are able to fulfill, but please submit a new form and audio file for each role you

In summary:

17 roles open for auditions

Only audition for roles that fit your identity or can accommodate you

Be 18 years of age or older

Send us up to 3 takes per each line, all in one file

This podcast will be remotely recorded

These roles will be paid $40 CAD over paypal

Auditions open until October 31st, 2020

Please only send auditions through this link: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSc2kVXIFTY9IOiNvRSQWvIrB8LiIrI46xFOeFtuq2sb6xBlVA/viewform?vc=0&c=0&w=1&flr=0&gxids=7628

Roles

The Cherrin University Radio Host

Gender: Written as a cis woman, but trans and nonbinary people who are comfortable with she/her pronouns may audition

Ethnicity: South Asian

Age: Late teens, early twenties

Description: The Cherrin university radio host is an anonymous young woman who feels passionately for under discussed causes. Whether or not she does anything for them outside of ranting on a late night radio show is a bit of a sore spot, but no matter the issue she takes it seriously.

Lines:

It is 2:55 am, which means that it is technically the Cherrin City day of Super Powered Individuals Remembrance. Created by the city about 4 years ago, on paper the day exists to remember every super powered individual who has died. In action, the city uses it to lionize the dead members of their private task force and coerce more people into joining it.

The problem with being perceivable is that people look at you. And when people look at you, and they keep looking at you, you start to get recognized. (long pause) That has not always been a pleasant thing, in my experience.

Solla

Gender: Written as an alien who identifies as Female, but trans and nonbinary people who are comfortable with she/her pronouns may audition

Ethnicity: Black

Age: several thousand years old, but doesn't really show it

Description: Solla is a dedicated member to the Cherrin City Starlight Watchers Squad, and is accustomed to working with her team both in bringing down extra terrestrial villains and tackling the enthusiastic and seemingly-ceaseless questions of the Cherrin City press. Polite, patient to a fault and kind of the mom of her group.

Lines:

Yes, I am Solla of the Cherrin City Starlight Watchers Squad. Yes I am an alien, and yes I know English, among several other languages. I appreciate all nice comments, but if you'd like to say something more in depth, you can email the city.

I am so sorry, but I have to go.

Henry Austin Bolte

Gender: Written as a cis man, but trans and nonbinary people comfortable with he/him pronouns may audition

Ethnicity: Open

Age: Mid twenties

Description: A gay, recently graduated costume designer trying to make it in Cherrin in the early 2000s. Also recently dumped, and kinda lonely. Very good at what he does, but uncomfortable with discussions of money.

Lines:

(sighs) Look, Vee, I don't care if this is some sex thing or whatever, I just need to know how you intend to use the suit so I can make it appropriately. You don't want some combo of kevlar and body armour if you're trying to fuck someone, right?

You did it. You're the one who did it. Oh my god.

Gender: Nonbinary (using he/they pronouns)

Ethnicity: Open

Age: Mid twenties

Description: An ambitious young person, also recently graduated. He's got big plans for his future and is not above manipulating other people to get what he wants. Hates being called desperate. Out of all the morally gray characters in this casting call, this person is the most 'super villain' out of all of them.

Lines:

I am not desperate. I am not a lucky, hapless fool. I am deliberate and calculating, and clever!

If you do anything to lose that respect... well. I know where to express my concerns.

Devon Milligan

Gender: Written as a cis man, but trans and nonbinary people comfortable with he/him pronouns may audition

Ethnicity: Black

Age: Mid teens to early twenties

Description: Devon is a loyal young man part of the Cherrin City East End Exemplars. He has difficulty reacting decisively to surprises and can be slightly stubborn. But he appreciates honesty.

Lines:

How does getting up at 5am help out your scheme?

So you're all about making life better for yourself and no one else?

I-SPI

Gender: Written as a cis woman, but trans and nonbinary people who are comfortable with she/her pronouns may audition

Ethnicity: Black

Age: late teens to mid twenties. Older than Devon

Description: Less a supervillain and more a regular criminal or henchwoman who happens to have very passive super powers. Skilled and clever, she only feels like opening up when she is most desperate. Extremely cynical.

Lines:

C'mon. You're a superhero, aren't you? Shouldn't you stay in top physical form in case another supervillain wants to fall into your lap?

If that's what it has to be; if that's the only choice I'm offered, then I sure as hell'll take it. Who else is gonna care for me? You?

Bernard North

Gender: Written as a cis man, but trans and nonbinary people comfortable with he/him pronouns may audition

Ethnicity: Open

Age: Early thirties

Description: Has had a small taste of power and now refuses to give it up. Has stopped caring about the feelings of others. Please note that this character has only one line.

Line:

Feel free to exhaust yourself, I-SPI. You've already proven yourself incorrigible. But it doesn't matter, now that I have you in my possession. You and I are going to go very far together.

Hannah Nathan

Gender: Written as a cis woman, but trans and nonbinary people who are comfortable with she/her pronouns may audition

Ethnicity: Open

Age: Late thirties

Description: The host of Musicity, a tv show about local musicians in Cherrin City, Hannah has worked very hard to be in this position. While she carries herself as having seen it all, she still cares about the comfort and state of her guests.

Lines:

Hello everyone! Welcome to another episode of Musiciscity! I'm your host, Hannah Nathan, and today, we here in the studio are joined by Cherrin City's very own, Alta Reyes!

Oh my god, Alta! Alta, are you alright? Can we get a doctor on set?

Alta Reyes

Gender: Written as a cis woman, but trans and nonbinary people who are comfortable with she/her pronouns may audition

Ethnicity: Latina

Age: Early twenties

Description: The lead singer of Raise The Population, she currently finds herself in the wrong body, and in the wrong world. Despite these strange circumstances, she's doing her best to get her group back home.

Lines:

Me and my band mates, we were just working at getting known and getting better at making music. We crawled our way up from being nobodies begging for views on our music video to finally, actually getting a hit song!

The further I get away from the life I knew, the harder I cling to the things I do know, even as they keep changing. This place honestly feels the closest to home so far.

Brandi

Gender: Trans woman

Ethnicity: Open

Age: Open

Description: The host of Public! This! Closure!, a new radio show about people hashing out their interpersonal problems on the airwaves. She is always very composed and attempts to be impartial. (She also really wants this show to be a success and is always on the lookout for more people to have on it.)

Lines:

Wait, you kissed her?

And it looks like that's all the show we have time for today, folks! Join us again next time, here on Cherrin City's very own c98.7 for more Public! This! Closure!

Virginia 'Gina' Jones

Gender: Written as a cis woman, but trans and nonbinary people who are comfortable with she/her pronouns may audition

Ethnicity: Open

Age: Mid twenties, early thirties

Description: She went on a lovely date with Josephine, and decided to go on, Public! This! Closure! the new radio show about people hashing out their interpersonal problems on the airwaves. She hopes this show will be able to reconnect her with Josephine and that she can find out why Josephine ghosted her after their date.

Lines:

...So you could remember the show you were watching, but not the woman you went out with?

Well, I hope you do. I mean, I don't know much about you, but even despite that, I... I want to see you again.

Josephine Georges

Gender: Written as a cis woman, but trans and nonbinary people who are comfortable with she/her pronouns may audition

Ethnicity: Black

Age: Mid twenties, early thirties

Description: Went on a nice date with Gina, but almost immediately afterward, had her whole world upended. Is currently distracted with other pressing matters, but is absolutely willing to continue dating Gina.

Lines:

I've listened to the show before. (sighs) So, who else has beef with me?

And I didn't think I would be meeting a lot of potential Sparker dates on an alien planet!

Gender: Nonbinary (any pronouns, but initially presents as male)

Ethnicity: Open

Age: 15

Description: An orphaned young person looking for his place in the world. Goes on a very emotional journey, but has extremely villanous tendencies. Is very good at using his super power. Kinda lonely.

Lines:

You steal. That's what you do, isn't it? I mean, the only way anyone gets easy money is by stealing it.

I said, are you fucking kidding me? We literally live in a world where people get to call themselves whatever the hell they want, stupid shit like Resolute and Nightlight and SuperStar and you draw the line at The End?

Isabella

Gender: Written as a cis woman, but trans and nonbinary people who are comfortable with she/her pronouns may audition

Ethnicity: Open

Age: 19

Description: An orphan who lived in the same group home as TE but aged out of it. Had a good relationship with TE, sees him as a younger sibling. Is struggling to find satisfaction with her own life, in terms of her (illegal) career, her (nonexistent) love life, and her (nonexistent) social life. Also has a superpower, but it's rather weak.

Lines:

Well, it can get a little more hostile than that, but never more complicated. And you seem pretty capable with your power. We could use someone as capable as you.

Look, I've been tolerating a lot of your... you-ness because I got it, sort of. We lived together, we had the same traumatic experiences... and I care about you, I really do.

Guiltmaster

Gender: Written as a cis man, but trans and nonbinary people comfortable with he/him pronouns may audition

Ethnicity: Open

Age: Late twenties

Description: He's a villain with the power to make people feel extreme amounts of guilt and perhaps other things as well. An intelligent man who has lost interest in trying to make it in life through legal methods, but someone who never lost his deep sense of empathy for others.

Lines:

I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to help him at all. So we waited, hoping for someone to find us. But, by the time they finally found us, there was no more us.

What you feel is what you feel. It's real and worthy and you cannot make it stop by assuming that because worse things have happened, what happened to you is not valid.

Pat

Gender: Open

Ethnicity: East Asian

Age: Open

Description: Someone who is going to therapy and trying to get over their guilt. Uncomfortable opening up to others, but is also unwilling to deny strangers' questions.

Lines:

Yeah? Did you ever kill your entire family?

All of them died, because I thought they didn't care about what I cared about.

The Interviewer

Gender: Open

Ethnicity: Open

Age: Open

Description: Despite the fact that filming is all but banned in Cherrin City, this interviewer is an out-of-towner attempting to make a documentary about super powered individuals. They're hoping that a certain real estate agent will be able to provide juicy and shocking details about her super powered clientele.

Lines:

Sounds horrific.

Oh my god, Larry you would not believe the waste of time I just had.

#voiceactor #voice acting #podcasts #audio fiction #audio drama #superheroes #cherrin city #cherrin city soundbytes

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iamconstantine · 5 years

Text

RWBY V2 E6: Burning the Candle

* Wow; I can tell from the first few seconds that the expression animation has really gotten better! The eye/eyebrow movements are a lot more refined! * I do sincerely hope the entirety of the dance isn’t being put together by the two most opposite people on the planet * It’s so sweet how worried Ruby is for Blake. We haven’t seen them interact much but she clearly cares about her enough that she doesn’t think she’ll even enjoy the dance if she isn’t there.

* “How can I go to the dance?! There are so many other things to worry about - like looking at a screen that has absolutely nothing on it!!” * Loading: catmode.exe * I wonder how many times Blake has had to deal with people unironically trying to use a laser pointer on her.

* I can’t tell if that was shampoo, a drink, or black hair dye * Poor Ren looks so uncomfortable * “I just don’t know how to girls” - Jaune Arc * Nora was absolutely respecting Jaune’s wish to put her headphones on but then she sort-of heard “girls” over the music and immediately tugged them off to see if Ren was crushin on someone else * “*sigh*...It’s Weiss”

* Jaune. My son. My baby. My darling. Light of my life. Rainbow sunshine. I’m not saying that you are dumb for falling for a girl who is strong, capable, smart, etc. I’m saying that you are dumb for falling for a girl who treats you like garbage and has turned you down every chance she got * “Have you heard her sing?” I - have YOU? * Omg there was NO music playing on Nora’s headphones * Also - Pyrrha - my child - don’t do this to yourself - * Though I am 100% down for everyone supporting Jaune and getting him to be honest about how he feels...they really need to prepare him for if Weiss still turns him down. Like okay, yeah, Weiss was very much not into the point-blank flirting and cheesy pick-up lines but “I’m actually super serious about how much I like you” isn’t usually a reason for someone to change their feelings. I don’t think she just needs to know he’s serious; she legit isn’t interested * Ren: My work here is done Nora: You didn’t do anything Ren: *runs into closet to finally get clothes* * While we are on the subject: I need Nora and Ren character focus like yesterday. Nora is adorbs and Ren is interesting and I know very very little about either of them * Thank goodness Nora’s goofiness isn’t the kind that refuses to go away even in serious situations. She’s a human being capable of being mature * “OUR mom” aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Yang considers her her mom even if not by blood my heart * I am SOOOOOOOO sorry but the cut to Blake’s face after Yang explained Summer Rose’s disappearance just...

* I am absolutely LIVING for this Yang backstory and characterization. Like YES PLEASE give me more of that character focus * At the same time I need to give it to her dad because he was with HALF OF HIS ENTIRE TIME??? IN THE SPAN OF A FEW YEARS?? * “Why did she leave you?” blakebbynotagoodquestion * ARTSTYLESHIFT * Ah, yes. The photograph in the broken picture frame. A classic.

* A BABY * I’m taking a guess that Yang’s story is going to be about how her determination to find answers about her mother wore her down so much that she paid for it * Qrow. The man. The legend. * I’d just really really like to thank the writers that they didn’t try to have Yang invalidate Blake’s worries or try to go for some “c’mon! let loose a little!” happy-go-lucky ending. Blake worries are valid, very much so. Her concern isn’t the problem, it’s letting that concern overwhelm her to the point of exhaustion. * So yes Yang’s eyes do just turn red when she’s mad * Also: she sizzle * Stop it. Stop pushing each other.

* Blake’s eyebags just instantly vanished for that one shot

* Well this boy is in a world of hurt * PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell me he isn’t about to see Neptune asking out Weiss and he’ll be heartbroken and sadly drop the flower and walk away

SON OF A BITCH

* Well at least Yang and Ruby look adorable * As does Blake!!

* “Ah, yes! What a magical night this is setting out to be! Behold the luminous chandelier, made of diamonds and candles with ethereal blue flame!”

* “And also these...random balloons.” * Can’t we have a LITTLE diversity in all the dresses? Every girl is in a knee-length white dress * ahhhh they danced! * SHES LAUGHING * Ozpin is up to something suspicious and I dont like it * Also shotout to the one girl in a black dress

* well i guess it’s a good think Mr Smirk-and-Saunter showed up because at least he’ll be able to dance with his legs because that is his one and only power his dumb stupid legs attached to his dumb stupid body * “Wouldn’t miss it for the world” the world wouldn’t miss you bitchboy * DOES JAUNE COME TO THE PARTY?!

#rwby #recap

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goliath-de-senfina-sango · 5 years

Link

Local Teen Shows Parents Why He Needs This Paranormal Weapon, Boy Possibly Hallucinating or Psychic, Children Risk Lives to Save Lives and Bicker About Responsiblity, Boy Silently Ponders if Magick Food Counts as Drug

When Tucker got home, his parents fussed over him, scolded him for not telling them that he was fighting ghosts that came after him and Danny, and made sure that he kept as off his leg as possible.

"You let me keep my bow and arrows! I can do more damage to a human being with those than I can with this ecto pistol. And I'm a great shot!"

"Does it have a safety? Magazines to remove?" Mom wasn't letting up on him for even a moment. She examined the gun from every angle before looking back at Tucker.

"Yes and no, respectively. The safety is currently on; it's right here but don't turn that off. What if I showed you how good a shot with this I am?"

Tucker's Dad, Maurice, heaved a sigh. "We let you keep the bow and arrows only after you proved you could handle having free access to them. This is… something."

"I'll set up the target, and you show me that you can reasonably use this without hurting yourself. Then, maybe, you can keep it." Mom put her hands on her hips. "You best not let any police officer catch you wielding this potentially deadly weapon."

"Understood!" Tucker saluted, heaving a tired sigh when his parents left to set up the target. Pulling out his PDA, Tucker typed into the schedule he was keeping for Danny, "Foley Shooting Range, hit the target." Setting that for 10 minutes, Tucker hopped his way to the kitchen and made himself a sandwich.

Once the time came, Tucker was outside in his backyard, his archery targets set up for him to shoot at. Leaning on his dad, Tucker raised his pistol and shot the targets one after the other. All of them hit, even if he missed the bullseye. He turned the safety back on and grinned. "Se-"

Three loud blasts flew from above them and Tucker looked up to see Skulker scowling at the wrist not protruding a big fuck off plasma cannon. From this angle, it looked almost like… it couldn’t be. “Is that my PDA?! I have 3 more payments on that!” Tucker nearly raised his pistol but considered that his Mom and Dad were there, and while he pitied the fool that confronted Angela Foley, this was a fight his parents couldn’t help him with. Nostrils flaring he glared up at Skulker with all the impotent rage he could muster and the robot flipped him off before flying away. “This is why I need this pistol; hostile ghosts can only really be hurt by Fenton weaponry.”

His parents were a touch easier to convince of letting him keep the Ecto Pistol after that. Tucker decided the best distractions were working on things, so he got to work on that A.I. and the car design.

Danny couldn't Not see it now and that was bothering him. That extreme indigo-esque color that blanketed the second plane of reality like a contact lens was now just barely there Everywhere. Danny could see and trace every electrical current around him, track his family by the individual aura each of them had, and if he actually tried to look on that second layer he could see threads binding them all together. The strongest ones connecting to him lead to Jazz and off into the distance. Probably to Sam and Tucker.

And so there Danny was, writing in his journal while everyone was at school for various reasons, and muttering to himself. "The ultraviolet light is starting to seep into my everyday vision, though mirror checks show no actual visible signs unless I actively check. Internet searches only call this whole aura thing The Sight, but unless I go out and look for naturally hidden ghosts and spirits, I can't be sure this is that. Is it safe to bring up that I can see the incorporeal if this is the Sight?" He tapped his cheek with the eraser of the mechanical pencil and hummed. "Debatable, consider later. Leaning toward No.

"Pressing issue is Skulker; how to trap him is key. He can't stand up to our bigger guns, that I'm sure of but we need to figure out how to out plan him." Danny groaned and dug the heel of his palm into his eye and rubbed away the exhaustion. "He can't attack me while I'm at home so this is both a safe zone and also an invalid area for the fight…"

Danny's phone rang and he nearly snapped his mechanical pencil in half. Thankfully he only cracked it and set it down gently. "Tucker, you nearly cost me another pencil." Reclining, he laid his head on his pillow and stared up at the constellations he made with glow in the dark stickers. "How's the leg and arm?"

"I'm not the source of your paranoia Danny, and you know it." Tucker snorted and Danny could practically see him rolling his eyes. "Arm's fine, the leg is still sore. How're you holdin up?"

"Lil freaked out cause I can see that whole uh second level of reality at all times now. It's a good thing I like indigo and blue. Also, I was able to calm Jazz down with that like, bond between us? It was weird but it worked."

"As glad as I genuinely am about this progress we still need to figure out the issue of Skulker," Sam said. Danny checked the time to see it was lunchtime. "One of us is gonna get killed, probably Danny, if we don't do something."

"I feel like I've noticed something weird about Skulker," Tucker said. "He could've shot a tranquilizer dart at all three of us on the way to school, or even just Danny before he met up with us, and be done with it. Instead, he sent a monster after us after we got around his trap."

Danny hummed, eyes narrowing. "Sam, what kind of animals did Grovsner kill in life?"

"The rare and about to go extinct kind," Sam growled.

"That's not what I meant, Sam. You said he died killing the last female purple back gorilla, right? What else did he go after? Did he have like, partners or…"

"No, actually. He always did his hunts solo, went after things like Cape Buffalo, Saltwater Crocodiles, endangered species of squid, sharks, other stuff like that." Sam took a few moments to breathe and stop herself from punching something, likely because Danny wasn't there to punch, and shortly asked, "why?"

"So he only went after dangerous animals alongside rare, showed off everything he caught if his behavior in death is the same as in life, and doesn't just Get It Over With no matter his opportunity to." Danny sat up, eyes wide. "Guys. He's not obsessed with being a hunter. He's obsessed with being seen as Strong!"

"Alright, question: what does obsession have to do with it?"

"C' mon Tuck, you've heard mom and dad rant and ramble. A ghost's form is informed by their self-image in life and they act primarily on their obsession. Agatha is obsessed with food, Skulker is obsessed with being seen as strong." Danny felt himself grinning wickedly and got up to pace. "But he's Not."

"Seemed pretty strong to me when he blew a hole in the observation tower, Danny." Tucker huffed. A pause. "Wait a minute: is he, in fact, a robot?"

Danny hummed. Closing his eyes, he focused on the hum of energy inside of him just past a layer of cold quiet, and visualized it spreading throughout his body. He could feel it tingling under his skin and could see it clearly, a vibrant green light that pushed steadily up to the surface of his skin and then out, blanketing over the room. For a moment, Danny's brain stuttered at the sensations it was forced to process, but he pushed on and reached out over the whole of his room. There! Getting up, Danny grabbed the metal panel that'd come off of Skulker when his mom shot him. It was sparking, wires exposed, a few buttons here and there with no discernible purpose at first glance. But the important thing was that it was still There. "No. If the robot was the ghost himself then any pieces that flew off would dissolve into ectoplasmic mist or goop. This bit is still here. Which means he's not strong enough to go after anything on his own." Danny squeezed, hissing when the wires sparked threateningly and tossed it on his desk.

"Sam," Tucker said, "you're filthy fuckin rich, right?"

"That is correct, Tucker, why?"

"So you own that zoo, right? That's how we got in at night?"

"… perhaps."

"Which means we can get back in, and set up a trap for Skulker, right?" Danny laughed and flopped into his chair.

"Tucker, you genius. But how are we gonna get him there?"

"Yesterday my parents were freakin out over everything and threatening to take my pistol away, blah blah, safety, all that junk.” Danny rolled his eyes, struggling to see the Foley’s point there. Danny had been trained to safely fire a gun as early as 11, hell he’d learned how to build one by then! Tucker could aim.

“You’re an archer. You have like, a quiver full of arrows and a bow in your home. What’s the difference?”

“I know that’s what I said! But anyway I convinced them to let me prove I could use it properly and know to put the safety back on afterward and I slipped into your schedule, which is linked between my PDAs by the way, to hit the bullseyes in the Foley Target Range. Guess who showed up at the exact time I scheduled that for.”

Danny’s eyes widened and his grin turned vicious as Sam asked, “Does this have to do with your missing PDA?”

“I think I saw it on his arm where Dr. Fenton had shot that panel thing off. He flipped me off and flew away but fuck, man, I’m glad he showed up. Means I can figure out his suit once all of this is over!”

“Sounds good Tuck. Hey, do you mind if I finish up our hoverboard? I have a feeling it’ll be useful.”

“Danny, bromigo, I beg of you: go do that right now. I have a plan, and the Nav Ai is almost done.”

Getting into the Zoo was easy. Sam got them in with access codes she had simply from being the owner, and they set up near the purple-backed gorilla habitat. “You know, Sam, if you’re so concerned about Sampson you can just order better conditions to be built for him.” Danny felt it needed to be said. She hadn't stopped ranting about Sampson in between all the planning, along with all the other animals she was technically in charge of. "This is your place, you can manage it how you want."

"Danny now is not the time for wisdom. Now is the time for taking down robotic assholes. Is your ectorifle charged up?"

"I sang it a battle hymn and it hummed to me of wars long and hard fought." Danny snorted at the dumbfounded looks on his friends' faces. "Yeah, I got it charged up guys, I just had to get into the armory for a little bit and Mom and Dad have been out patrolling with their ghost radar thing." Danny pulled out the rifle and checked it over one last time while Sam and Tucker set up around the cage, a large gorilla costume being pulled out of Tucker's stolen jacket pocket. "I still want that back after all of this is done."

"Make me one of my own and I'll definitely give you this one back, yes. That is a thing that will happen." Tucker giggled and Sam rolled her eyes.

"C' mon guys, we have no idea when Skulker is gonna strike nex-"

An explosion shook the ground between the trio, knocking them all back, and forcing them to cover their eyes to block out flying shards of concrete. When they opened them, the robotic poacher stood before them, toxic green mohawk of fire casting odd shadows over his faceplate and highlighting his predatory grin.

"You certainly know now, don't you girl?" Skulker raised his arm and the hand cannon that Tucker had described unfolded from a panel on his wrist. Before the charge up whine could reach its crescendo, a bolt of green plasma flew into Skulker's back and knocked him forward, burning a fist-sized hole in his back. Skulker turned to Danny with those fiery green eyes and a growl in his chest, firing his cannon at Danny instead. "That's the spirit! The kind of fight I've wanted in my prey for so long!"

Danny, filled with the writhing void that boiled with thousands upon billions of stars, took to the air a second too late and was knocked back on his ass. As he stumbled back up, Danny saw a flash of green and growled as Skulker turned a crossbow that emerged from his shoulder and fired back at Sam. Lunging with every ounce of speed he had in him, Danny only managed to get the bolt torn through his side while it grazed Sam's shoulder.

"Truly, I am disappointed; I expected a greater fight from you, ghost boy! Regardless, you shall look nice in your cage back on my island." Skulker stomped over and reached down to grab Danny by the throat and lifted him into the air triumphantly. "Truly, I am the greatest hunter in the Ethereal Plane!" Danny's ears were ringing, he was bleeding, and the sharp pain spread itself to every nerve in his semi-corporeal body. He laughed, hands grasping at the steel of Skulker's arm. "Why do you laugh, boy? You are defeated!"

"You're not even the best hunter in this zoo. Hell, you're not even a good hunter ghost in the first place. Just a sad little man who wanted to look big in life and couldn't help trying to do it again in death." White hot pain blossomed across his face when Skulker slapped him and Danny spat out some dark brown blood as the ringing set in his ear. "Can't even tell a hologram from a person."

Skulker stared at him for a long moment, silent and motionless, before his grip went slack and his mohawk died out. Danny floated backward from the suit and picked up his rifle, offering a salute to the sky, from which Tucker descended with his belly on the hoverboard. "You are being evicted from your mecha, repeat, your mech suit is being towed." Tucker punched a command into his PDA, and Skulker's chest plate unfolded, ripping open the shirt to reveal a compartment holding a tiny bipedal blob. An ameba that could fit in Danny's hand with eyes, a mouth, and limbs.

"Release- release me whelp! I shall have your head mounted on my bedroom wall and your pelt made into a rug!" Danny snatched it out of the suit and glared down at Grovsner with all the malice he was physically capable of feeling. A growl rumbled in Danny's chest and out of his mouth and he squeezed. "Alright alright, suck me up into your little soup can and-"

"You pathetic, arrogant, vile little ameba! You nearly killed Tucker and Sam! You electrocuted me! You put the lives of everyone at my school at risk! And for what? To show me off in a cage to everyone at the fucking afterlife Christmas party?" Danny pressed the barrel of his rifle against Grovsner's entire body, pinning him to his hand. Then the shadows bent around the source of Danny's fury and gravity itself bound Grovsner in place, allowing for a much cleaner shot. "For everything you did in life and everything you've done to me and my family, I hope it takes you a long ass time to pull yourself back together from this." And then Danny pulled the trigger, and Skulker was turned into a splattering of toxic exotic matter that evaporated before their eyes.

Tucker, now sitting up on the longboard shaped hoverboard, was staring at Danny right beside Sam, the two of them agape. Danny could see in their green and golden auras something less than pleasant mixed with relief. It was silent for a few beats too long and Danny awkwardly slid his rifle back into his pocket. "Dude, you have fucking fangs, they look so badass!"

"What?" Danny blinked a couple of times when Sam raised her camera and took a picture, frowning at his friends when he could see properly. "Did you say I have fangs?"

Sam showed him the picture and yep. His canines were longer and sharper than they should've been, gleaming in the light cast by the flash and his eyes. "They're tiny and adorable, and yet I'm jealous because if anyone should have fangs it should be me!" Sam threw her hands into the air and groaned. "It matches my aesthetic and I deserve to be a creature of the night! You're not even mildly scary!"

"Alright, true, Danny's not intimidating enough for fangs," Tucker agreed, despite Danny's half-hearted disagreement. "But still, they look good on him. The gravity bending is pretty fucking cool though."

"Thanks, guys. That means a lot." Danny pulled both of his friends into a hug before letting out a loud his off pain because that hurt and he was still bleeding, right. Reaching out to those silver threads that resonated with concern care fondness Love Danny drew that energy into his wound and let out a long sigh as the burning pain cooled down a bit and dulled into a throbbing ache. "More manageable at least. Here, allow me." Placing a hand on Sam's cut shoulder, Danny concentrated on pouring out his own love affection soothing to Sam. He watched as the energy flowed out and into the cut, stitching it mostly together until he could barely see it. "You should probably be careful with that arm anyway. I'm not exactly a doctor yet."

"You wouldn't be that kind of doctor anyway, Danny." Sam gave him a hug again, ruffling his white fluffy curls. "Can we go home now? I'm exhausted, and I'm pretty sure you are too."

"I am, I very much am. Tucker, I'm not bothering to ask for the board back. It runs on solar energy so just head straight home with it, ok? It'll be charged back up in the morning."

Tucker gave a thumbs up and slipped his helmet down properly, covering his face. Standing up with the magnetic boots locked into place on the board, Tucker rose in a wake of neon blue light from beneath the board and took off with a loud cheer. A whole day at Fentonworks was more than enough time to perfect an outfit, as far as Danny was concerned.

The ghost boy wrapped an arm around Sam's middle on his uninjured side and they took to the sky, soaring straight to her house. Danny set Sam down on the balcony of her room and stuck his head in. A whistle escaped him and he gave a thumbs up. "Sam, one day we have got to hang out at your place."

"My folks aren't entirely jazzed with me hanging around you since you 'attract dangerous attention from monsters' so yes, you must come over and hang out with me. And you must do it soon." Sam ruffled his hair again and Danny huffed, pulling his hood over his head. "You can't escape me and you know it!"

"We'll see about that," he laughed, sucking in a breath when he felt the laugh shake his side. "Stop being funny."

"Unlike some people, it comes naturally to me."

"Rude." Danny waved and backed up. "Night Sam!" Danny soared into the night sky and angled himself toward downtown. Once he was as close to Agatha's place as he dared be, Danny set his feet down on the ground and let the world come back into focus, heat rushing into him. Never before had he regretted a decision more than that one, and before he'd even hit the ground Danny was a ghost again. "Owowowowowowow. Pain, very much pain, I will not be doing that again."

Once the echoing waves of pain died down to a throbbing ache once more, Danny pulled himself into the air and slipped out of the way of every atom moving around him, letting it move through him and watching the world bleed into vague green shapes outlined in extreme indigo light. "I doubt Agatha even minds if I go in there and no one ratted her out yet so I'm probably safe."

Poking his head through the wall, Danny looked around until he saw the only in focus sight near him. Agatha floated in the kitchen, pulling the ether around her into her hands and molding it into food to wrap and put away in the fridge. Danny floated over quietly and cleared his throat. She spun around, eyes wide and Danny smiled. "Hi there. Sorry to uh interrupt but I may or may not be in need of giving that healing food thing a try. Maybe it won't work on a human, but any extra energy will help I'm sure."

"Oh of course child!" Agatha spun the indigo light into a sloppy joe and handed it to Danny, who immediately chowed down on it. The best part of not needing to breathe as a ghost was that he had no reason to stop inhaling his food. Agatha watched in anticipation as Danny focused on the layers upon layers of trilling harmonies, the ringing of countless bells that echoed within Danny's center of being, and felt his wound close up like Sam's had. "Oh my."

"Thank you, so much." He beamed up at the ghost and gave a thumbs up. "I should be able to manage with this much myself. Uh, Skulker will be gone for however long it takes for him to rebuild his body. He did a lot of damage and I just. Couldn't let it slide."

"I see," Agatha said, her gloved palms flat against each other. "Well, I won't hold that against you dear, no one deserves to be hunted like an animal the way Skulker hunts his targets. I'll ask that you not make a habit of that though, it gets you a reputation." She wagged a finger and Danny nodded, feeling heavy. "Now, head on home so that you can rest. Food is important, but getting enough sleep is just as important after you do something as strenuous as fighting Skulker."

"I'll be sure to do that." Danny smiled and waved, pulling himself back toward the wall. "Have a nice night Ms. Reece."

"Have a good night Danny."

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thebreakdownisthebecoming · 3 years

Text

what do you call her anyway?

(Feeling guilty I haven’t written since my initial post but I caught myself thinking last night and remembered enough that I told myself to write it down.)

Today I had a phone interview for a job. A screening really. And I’ve had just a handful in the past three months. And here’s the thing, I really am not happy with the environment in my current job. The job itself is ok, not forever but ok, but it’s the people and the culture and the lack of support and initiative. And I don’t think it’s going to change, like 98% sure. So my choices are... stay (in a place that likely will continue operating as is does with it’s current culture and low enrollment which poses all kinds of problems and creates tension ALSO with a staff that while they mean well, doesn’t always carry the weight OR a senior staff that makes me feel alienated for working hard) or I have to start over again (find a new job, learn a whole new group of people, potentially move, etc.)

I do not like either option. A lot.

And so I try to think, “You’ve never liked any job or any coworkers... you did this before and it took you almost 8 years to rebuild and get a decent job with your own place and what if you set your life back all over again... so just stay. See something through. It’s hard but so is starting over, so stay with what you know.” That last sentence. It’s like poison. Because really what its doing is invalidating my pain, my mental health/exhaustion, my frustration, my gut feelings... I know if I stay things won’t change in any considerable way (and I’m talking about the relationships I have with the people I work with directly versus the enrollment/recruitment/program logistics which have also led to so much stress) but yet I’m still trying to convince myself that maybe if I stay... it’s almost like I can’t feel much worse and I know what to expect so just... do what you know because it’s enough to get by.

Then the other voices start to kick in. There’s “you’re going to have such a hard time getting hired because people see director on your resume but will be mystified how you got that because you’re so unsure and unrefined but their hands will be tied to some degree because they have to honor your title to some degree.” There’s “you know what to expect, you’re not going to fit in somewhere else where people are polished and professional, you belong right where you are at this place of misfits.” To “you really are going to move away now, what if something happens to mom and dad?” All my old friends... doubt, self deprecation, body image, fear... they pushed any real relationships/friendships out of my life so that they could be the last ones standing and tah dah, here they are. Loud and proud.

So as this crowded “discussion” is playing out in my head last night, a voice that seldom makes any noise decided to make an appearance. And here’s the thing about her... she’s right but she’s uncomfortable, and she’s so rarely heard from that she speaks at a whisper and she is so easy to drown out. But she started to say, “You’re scared. Scared to let go. Scared to start over. Scared of what happens if it doesn’t work wherever you go next. Scared to miss something here. Scared to be alone. Scared to change your routine (even if you do also hate it.) Scared to work with new people. Scared to learn new things. You’re scared. BUT there’s a chance that the hurt and discomfort about those scary things might pass someday... the hurt and discomfort if you stay where you are now... that’s almost guaranteed to stay. Can you take that?”

And I want to say... “it’s then that I started to realize...” although I don’t think it’s a fully formed realization yet BUT what flashed in my brain was, “Maybe what you’re really scared of is the changes that you’d have to make to yourself in all of this.”

Wow. And ouch.

I guess what I mean is, I can learn to live in a new apartment/house- after all it’s just new rooms and whatever but the keeping yourself alive part is the same. I can learn how to do a new job, I’m smart. I can learn to work with new people, because that’s just being an adult and sucking it up (and while I might not always be the most polished I do know how to be a professional). But what’s scary is, I HAVE TO CHANGE. It can be any office on any campus in any city and any apartment they’re all interchangeable. I am what’s changing and needs to change. To get IT- to get... a new work life (with hopefully meaningful work that is supported), a living space that feels comfortable, a less angry/sad demeanor, just something different... I’m going to have to face myself. I’m going to have to do some things that are really uncomfortable. I’m going to have to be really honest with myself. And in the end, I’m going to have to make some changes. Me. No one else can do it. I can’t pawn it off. I can’t play the victim and say, “well its depression and anxiety and exhaustion and headaches and pain and I’m so overwhelmed and think it through for me and just tell me what I should do.” Maybe I’ve been hoping for that, and let’s say in a perfect world I did make a change like that... that’s not MY change, it didn’t come from me. And I’m smart enough to know it doesn’t work like that. (Also, what does that say about me that I would sign myself away like that?)

What I want is comfort. To turn down the sadness, the anger, the anxiety... to turn down the urgency and volume of everything in me. But I think I’m starting to see that to do that, comfort isn’t going to yield any long term results. I desperately want to feel better NOW and so the familiar, the known seems like the obvious choice but as I said up there ^, I can see the next five years being just as painful and frustrating if that’s what I do.

So, do you choose a different form of discomfort and do that for a little while, if it means more comfort later down the road (maybe?) I don’t know. I wish that whispering voice was louder, that she was so strong she blocked out everything else or pushed me in a direction...

What do you call her anyway?

#journal #journaling #blog #blogging #blogpost #journalingcommunity #journalingyourway #journalprompt #mentalhealth #mentalhealthmatters #journal therapy #change #anxiety #depression #big thoughts

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purplesurveys · 3 years

Text

1218

Have you ever been to Australia? Nope. Not really on top of my travel lists when it comes down to it, but it would be lovely to visit nonetheless. I'd be most excited to try their local food.

Who was the last person you know to have a birthday? Kate, our HR officer.

Are you wearing a necklace? If so, describe it. I am not.

Do you know anyone who is left-handed? Aya. But we’re not really friends anymore.

Ever wear out a CD? What was it? I don’t think so. I’ve broken CDs before but it was always because I had been a kid then and I constantly mishandled them.

What’s your favorite card game? I’m not into card games.

What’s your favorite fast food meal? I usually flock to burgers and fries. Fast food rice is blechhh so I never get any meals with them, which are usually paired with fried chicken.

Where is the best restaurant you’ve ever eaten in at? Torch. Prices are no joke either, so I don’t get to order from there a lot.

Lamb chops or pork chops? I have pork chops more frequently and I love them, but I’d go with lamb chops. More expensive so I get them less often, but I do like the taste of lamb more.

If you HAD to pick ONE song to listen to for the rest of your life, and that would be the only song you ever heard, what would it be? I imagine this would be so inconvenient after just a few hours...but idk. Based on my mood now, maybe Still With You by Jungkook.

Ever heard of Shinedown? I have. I used to have a mutual who was obsessed with them. Never listened to their music, though.

What size is your bed? Just a twin-size.

What is the first meal you remember eating? I no longer remember that.

What was the first movie you ever saw? Stuart Little 2.

What percentile of your class were you in? I’m not sure about percentile, but I was just above average. Never topped the class but wasn’t behind academically, either. In our batch of around 165, I remember my ranking peaking at like 26. I don’t know what the equivalent percentile for that is.

Can you name every place you’ve ever had sex? Yeah, I didn’t like being too adventurous anyway.

What forms of birth control have you used? Same-sex relationship.

Do you use sponges or dishcloths when doing the dishes? Sponge. OMG I hate touching wet cloths/fabric.

What’s your favorite song on the top twenty right now? Butter.

Ever punched a wall? Nope.

What was the last bug you killed and what did you use? An ant. My finger.

Ever get pulled over by the cops and get away without a ticket? Yes, because he noticed I was in uniform, as were my orgmates then. And I’m guessing it was also because he could tell we were all young, so he let us go.

What was your first legal alcoholic drink? A margarita, I think? < Hey, same!

What’s the most expensive things your parents ever bought you? My education.

What’s the most expensive thing you’ve bought? I’ve spent the most on my merch collection so far; but as for an individual item, I’ve spent close to 5k on a photobook set. I haven’t really ventured out to start spending on more adulting stuff yet, lol.

What is your favorite cover song? Paramore’s cover of Passionfruit by Drake, or Hayley Williams’ cover of Teardrop by Massive Attack.

Did you ever drop out of school? Nope, I did everything in one go.

Ever raise a child that wasn’t your own for more than 3 months? I have not.

Strangest medical procedure ever performed on you? I’ve only had basics done on me.

Does the place you work have music playing? What sort? The extremely few times I had to go to the physical office, my co-workers put on some music, yeah. It had been a very chill atmosphere and they simply turned on YouTube on the TV and put on a playlist of BTS and Taylor Swift songs.

Do you use Windows, Mac, Linux, or something else entirely? Mac.

Do you cut tags out of clothing so they don’t itch and bother you? Yes, I hate how the tags feel for the most part. The only time I don’t cut them off is if the brand is on the pricey side.

How many times a year do you go on vacation? Under normal circumstances, around 3-5 with my family.

What is your favorite time period in history to learn about? It’s easier for me to say what periods I find a little boring: medieval/dark ages and anything about wars. Every other period I’d happily soak up like a sponge.

What’s the saddest report you have ever seen on the news? Mmmh, probably kids dying from freak accidents and seeing the parents get interviewed. Just last night I had to hear about a 4 year old who ran towards a car while playing outside. Hearing the dad cry and plead was gut-wrenching.

In your honest opinion, what is the scariest sea creature you know? Idk, maybe those that live in the super deep sea and look nothing like what we would usually perceive as normal sea creatures.

What superpower do you think would be the most handy in times of trouble? I guess it would have to depend on the issue you find yourself stuck in. But I think being able to control time would be convenient, since you can just easily undo mistakes.

Do you believe there is just one love for everyone, or…? No. That would invalidate experiences for a lot of people. :/

Why are you best friends with your best friend? She’s always been supportive and stuck by my side no matter what I’ve been through. We also have great chemistry and have always shared the same sense of goofy humor.

Do you world peace is truly a possibility in the future? No.

Pretend you are a really good cook, what meal would you make? I’d just make sashimi everyday.

What do you think of when you look at the stars? I tend to reminisce when I do so. Think about what’s happened in the past, people who’ve left, what I’ve lost...and that there’s probably good reason why things are the way they are now.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked? Dead? Their shells are part of their actual skeletal structure. < Well there we go.

What’s one thing you feel you must do in your life before it ends? Travel the world.

What Disney princess are you most like? Personality-wise, I mean. Ariel. Pretty fucking clumsy, prioritizes the wrong things out of love.

What do you think is the most important thing in this life is? Happiness.

Do you use any acne medication? Nah, I just splash my face with water every morning.

Have you ever tried to learn another language? How did it go? [This survey seems to be a mix of a few surveys, so some of the questions - like this, I’ve already answered. I’ll be striking out the ones I’ve already delved on but if you’ll take this survey as well, feel free to remove the strike!]

Do you still have a landline phone in your home?

Throughout a typical week, which places are you likely to go? LOL just home. I work from home, and I’m usually exhausted during the weekend to want to go out.

How often do you use your webcam, if you even have one that is? A few times a week for work. Most of the time we communicate just through audio, but there are a few meetings or clients that prefer video.

Do you have a lock number or pattern for your phone? It’s a number combination, but I seldom get to use it. I usually rely on thumb ID.

What was the last thing you bought from a liquor store? Not a liquor store but I just got a few bottles of beer from 7-Eleven.

Is there any cereal in your house? What kind? We don’t. We’re not really a big cereal-eating family.

What's the most number of people you've ever lived with? 11. That’s a set of grandparents (2), my family (4), my mom’s older brother’s family (4), and my mom’s younger brother (1).

Do you celebrate St. Patrick's Day?

Do you have any pets? How long have you had them? I have two. 13 years with Kimi, a year with Cooper.

What's your favourite kind of cheese? Feta and mozzarella.

Have you danced in the rain? Once or twice, when I was a lot younger.

Who is your favorite person to text? I don’t text anymore, but I frequently communicate with Angela on Messenger.

What’s your favorite brand of jeans? My favorite pair is from Zara, but I don’t have a go-to brand for jeans per se.

Do you enjoy Mario games? Not all of them, but sure.

What’s your favorite online game? I don’t play games.

Have you ever been hit with a ball in gym class? Possibly. Not remarkable enough for me to remember though.

Who was last to cook for you? Dad.

Would you ever wish to explore a cave? I would love to. I had the chance to explore one during our trip to Sagada, but the tour guide decided against it since I had the wrong footwear and it wasn’t going to be safe if I tried. :( I did get to go to the underground cave in Palawan though, and that was a really fun experience.

You see the person you fell hardest for. What do you do? I’d give her a small, polite/curt smile and maybe wave, then go on with whatever it was I’ve been doing. Of course, I doubt it would actually go that way because I believe she’d run for the hills if she ever spotted me.

Have you ever ridden in a car with someone who was high? No. I would refuse to, especially if they were the one driving.

Did you ever date the last person you kissed? Yeah, for too long.

Have you ever held a snake? I have! A few times.

How often do you have friends over to your house? Almost never. Angela and Hans coming over for Sowoozoo two weeks ago was just an exception.

Have you ever had a boss who acted unprofessionally? No, I wouldn’t say that.

Who was the last person who cried around you? Why did they start crying? Was it unexpected?

Do you have any exercises you do everyday?

Are you more of a dog or cat person?

Have you ever had a dream of stabbing someone?

Would you ever have a bird as a pet?

Have you ever had to speak at a funeral?

Do you know someone who’s been cremated?

What is your favorite animated movie?

Did your grandparents teach you anything? Just some religion stuff and how to be a nice Catholic and all. Doesn’t apply to me, obvs, but I still outwardly listen out of respect.

Do you want/have a Bachelor's degree? Yes.

Are you into superheroes? Who's your favourite? I am most definitely not.

Have you ever played Cards Against Humanity? Did you like it? Sure, a few times. Yes, it was fun and hilarious.

Have you ever played a drinking game? Which ones? Just the basic ones like truth or dare and never have I ever.

Did you ever play Neopets when you were younger?

Have you ever been to Mexico? No, but would be nice to travel there.

Have your parents ever worked in medicine? No, not their field.

Is there anything unusual about your house? We don’t have a gate, which has always bugged me.

How many serious relationships have you been in? One.

Do you listen to Rise Against? Much more when I was in high school. I haven’t revisited their music in years.

When was the last time you congratulated someone? Reggy since she posted her graduation portrait the other day.

Have you ever taken care of a newborn baby? Nah.

How old were you when you got your ears pierced? Like a month old, I believe.

Do you snore when you sleep? Rarely. A snore or two would usually come out only if I’m extremely exhausted.

What was the last type of burger you ate? A Baconator from Wendy’s.

#survey #surveys

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eeveelutionsforequality · 7 years

Note

Lol I'm autistic. I was also kicked out of KINDERGARTEN (for hitting my teacher for taking my comfort toy from me), got lost twice so badly the police needed to be called because I tend to wander away, I don't see anyone but my mother as an authority figure (remember the aforementioned police? not authority in my eyes), and school was just hell for everyone and basically was a very difficult child. Hell yeah I wouldn't want any parents to deal with that!

Yeah, I really don't get this stigma against people, especially parents, who admit that it's hard, a struggle, and sometimes damaging to their own mental well-being to have children with mental health issues. Like, I know I was hell for my mom sometimes - and she had her own mental health issues to deal with on top of that. Having to drive your kid to the hospital because they found your medication and took it all is not easy on a parent - and no matter how much you preach "tolerance" "care for neurodivergent kids more than yourself" "support them in every possible way" and all that, it's still gonna be an emotional strain on parents when their kids are suffering or when their kids are acting up. Kids who hit their parents because of it, kids who need help just to eat breakfast when they're in their teens, kids who are coming home from school with bruises from the bullying... it's emotionally exhausting and it's not selfish of parents to admit that. It's also not selfish of them to want their kid to not be going through this - it's not that they want a "normal, perfect, typical kid", it's that they love their kid and it's killing them inside to see the kid going through all of the hardships that come with autism, social or otherwise, and to have to put in so much extra physical and emotional labour for someone who may not even be able to express gratitude for it, while these assholes on tumblr and people like them insist that the kid's suffering is somehow the parent's fault because they're just not being tolerant enough as they quit their job and devote themselves to being a full-time carer. Like, that post and the whole ideology that spawns stuff like that is so entitled, and it invalidates the fact that the disorder itself does cause problems for the sufferer and for those around them that have nothing to do with stigma.

~ Vape

#Mod Vaporeon

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amorremanet · 8 years

Note

You reblogged an OC meme! Thank god, tell us about Josie!

oc profiles meme!

…oh my god, i was so excited to click post and babble about josie at people that i initially forgot to come back and fill in the placeholder with something about how excited i was to talk about josie (—it’s like 4:15 AM where i am, which is probably part of the problem but i digress)

Full Name: Josiah Daniel Quinn — but, please, they explicitly prefer to be called, “Josie,” so unless you’re one of their bosses over at S.T.R.O.M.A*, whom they’re in no position to argue with, call them Josie. If not that, then use their surname. But if you can avoid it, just please do not call them by their full given first name, okay?

Shiny mutant superhero codename: Lyaeus — derived from an aspect of Dionysus who is traditionally invoked as a reliever of pain and a deliverer from anxiety and emotional turmoil and so on, which is one of their preferred uses of their psychic abilities and one of Josie’s larger goals in life (for them, it’s a mix of, “If something bad is going to happen, and you can do something to stop it and choose not to, that’s on you” and, “The world is a mess and largely sucks, but that’s no reason not to do what we can to take care of each other”).

Their codename is doubly special to them because although they were raised loosely Catholic and have a Mormon extended family who mostly doesn’t acknowledge their existence (and hasn’t for their entire life, since their Mom left the Mormon church to marry Josie’s Dad, oops), Josie is a hellenic pagan whose primary relationship is with Dionysus.

They thought for a long time and did a lot of reflection about whether or not it was too presumptuous of them to use one of his aspects as a codename, but eventually, they went with it because they see their codename and its meaning as someone who they’re continually striving to be and a set of values that they’re always trying to bring to bear in the world, and they feel like Dionysus is probably okay with that.

Gender and Sexuality: DMAB Genderfluid. // Bisexual.

This isn’t actually specifically about their gender or sexuality, but I couldn’t think of where else to put it: Josie grew up around all things Rocky Horror. Like, their parents were highly involved in the local community theatre, which did a semi-regular RHPS shadow-cast, and Josie’s parents brought their kid with them often enough that Josie grew up with their blood family and their, “Rocky family.”

Josie would rather deal with their Rocky family than their blood family a lot of the time, because their Rocky family was more immediately there for them during a lot of rough stuff while they were growing up, and their Rocky family handled it better at the various times when they came out, and their Rocky family didn’t say shit like, “Wait, I thought you were gay, why are you going back in the closet” when they came out as bi or ask invasive questions when they came out as genderfluid and was more supportive in general of Josie’s evolving sense of their own identity, and so on.

Pronouns: They/Them/Theirs.

Josie does also answer to He/Him/His pronouns, but that isn’t a choice on their part, so much as it’s an issue of, “Well, I can be out at work and open the door to potential harassment and people who will invalidate my gender identity and likely flat-out refuse to respect my pronouns, which will create more difficulty for myself in a job that’s already difficult because it’s stressful to begin with and I hate working here — or I can suck it up and just be grateful that my friends and parents are all good about this”

Like, one of the things that Seb does when he and Josie first meet that makes Josie go, “I’m still not totally thrilled at being assigned to help out the newbie (especially since I know I’m only getting this assignment because: 1. our bosses are playing a game of, ‘lmao just toss the LGBTQ ones together’ because the newbie’s gay and pretty much everyone here thinks that I am too; and 2. Deputy Director Gray is still cranky with me over that MSNBC round-table that I did last week where Yael kept pushing me to voice my own opinions and not the Bureau’s official line) — but maybe it won’t actually be completely awful and maybe he’s going to be okay as a new partner”?

…is noticing that Josie wears two woven yarn bracelets on one wrist — one of them in the lavender/white/chartreuse colors of the genderqueer flag, and the other in the pink/white/purple/black/blue of the genderfluid flag — and first waiting for them to be alone in Josie’s office, then going, “Oh, so are you genderfluid? What are your pronouns?” and then listening and respecting it when Josie explained that they’d rather Seb just kept using he/him/his at work

Species: Human (mutant with aforementioned mutant psychic powers)

Race/Ethnicity: White, and the only real part of Josie’s ethnic background that’s ever been important in their life was that their late paternal grandmother was very proud of being Irish.

Like, her parents had come to Ellis Island from Ireland — though she was too young to have any actual memories of the passage herself — and she wasn’t so insistent about it that she objected to her son marrying a Mormon girl instead of a Good Irish Catholic Girl, but still, the Irish thing was a big deal for her.

Josie, personally, doesn’t get it beyond, “I’m white and I have a particular aversion to St. Patrick’s Day because first of all, some of my extended family members can turn into a bunch of rowdy, off-putting little shits on St. Patrick’s Day, and I always had to suffer through that because we always had a party for it, first because Grandma wanted one, and then in honor of her memory.

“And secondly, because as soon as anyone hears that I’m partially Irish and/or a Dionysian, it is just assumed that I want to go get wasted on St. Patrick’s Day, which I don’t, but I still end up going out into environments that are absolute Hell for someone who has both telepathy and hyper-empathy, because the spaces are crowded, emotions are running high, and there is basically nowhere to escape to where you can get some peace and quiet and a break from the sensory and emotional overload of being at a rowdy bar on St. Patrick’s Day.

“And I endure all of this with people whom I may not even like that much just so they’ll have a designated driver, because I would feel bad personally if I didn’t go to make sure they all got home okay, and just because they don’t understand my god or might want to get something else out of him than I do, doesn’t mean that I should brush them off and risk them getting hurt while they’re completely shit-faced.

“Which doesn’t make this any less exhausting and awful, but it’s better than taking the chance that they might get hurt, y’know?”

Birthplace and Birthdate: Saratoga Springs, NY. // 22nd February, 1980 — they’re a Pisces (Libra rising, Gemini moon).

Guilty Pleasures: High-quality dark chocolate, high-quality makeup even if they can’t wear most of it as often as they’d like^, the original Vampire Chronicles novels (and though they will sometimes claim that only the original six ones, “count,” Josie owns everything that Anne Rice has published, even the ridiculous Jesus books), binge-watching reruns of Project Runway…

And they don’t feel particularly guilty about it, but one of the simple things that makes Josie happy is playfully teasing their emergency contacts/best friends over how their parents named them after Beatles songs

Jude, naturally, was “Hey Jude” and Rocky got named after, “Rocky Raccoon” because, at the last minute, his and Jude’s parents decided to veto naming him Desmond because he’s a character in “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da” but his name is not in the title, which was apparently a deal-breaker because of reasons

Rocky also sometimes gets playful ribbing about all things Rocky Horror, because he and Josie are ridiculous nerds, and RHPS isn’t their exclusive thing because Josie will share it with anyone who gives them half a chance to do so…… but it is still a thing that is special to Josie and Rocky, so here they are

If you ask them, Josie will tell you that they don’t believe in associating pleasure with guilt, and in their defense, they do believe in encouraging people not to feel guilty for enjoying the things that make them happy or that help them survive, because as long as those things aren’t hurting anyone — yes, that includes you, person Josie is talking to — then you have a right to be happy and a right to take care of yourself

The reality is that Josie says this to people so often because it’s something that they often struggle with themself, and even though they’re better, in some ways, than they have been in the past, there are still a lot of places where they need work

Also, Josie wouldn’t call some of the more poppy music that they like, “guilty pleasures” — especially because, if you ask them, there is no reason to feel guilty about listening to, for example, Beyoncé or Nicki Minaj

—but it is still the case that, if they were going to have a mini-reunion with some of the old goth crew friends from high school whom they don’t keep in touch with that often, Josie probably wouldn’t mention Nicki or Beyoncé, unless it was by accident or until they were sure that the old gang wasn’t going to do the judgmental goth kids thing they used to do of going, “ugh, all pop music is soulless empty bullshit for posers” and so on

Also also, there is almost no chance of them ever admitting this to most people, but…… Josie kinda loves the goth kids from South Park. Like, Josie really kinda loves them.

There’s basically no chance of them ever admitting it to most people because for one thing, it’s embarrassing to them, due to the whole South Park of everything.

For another, they’d feel the need to give someone a lengthy, tedious disclaimer about how they don’t actually watch South Park or enjoy it very much, they just know about the goth kids because one of their best friends went, “Oh my god, Josie, you have to watch this, the new Goth kid characters are so you” way back when, after the first episode with them in it aired and said friend (Rocky) was still taping new eps on VHS to watch after he got home from night classes

And…… well. Josie still wouldn’t give South Park much credit for anything else, but they do really love the goth kids, and they agree with Rocky’s, “omg it you” moment because the South Park goth kids are often eerily similar to shit that they said and did as a weird little goth kid back in high school

At one point, Rocky actually made Josie little plush dolls of the goth kids that he’d designed himself, and they are a big reason why you’re not allowed in Josie’s room until they trust you.

Other reasons include:

Josie doesn’t want most people to touch their makeup or put any of it out of order, and they keep most of it in their bedroom, on their dresser, in front of the vanity mirror that they found someone just throwing out shortly after they moved to Baltimore, even though it’s a perfectly good mirror so wtf;

some of Josie’s favorite and most personally meaningful religious and spiritual paraphernalia is in their bedroom (they keep their actual shrine to Dionysus and their, “worship workspace” in a different room at their place, but some of the more personally significant things are in their room most of the time, and they’d rather you didn’t have a chance to touch them);

Josie just tends to be an incredibly private person who places a lot of value on their personal space and having spaces that are set aside as Theirs. They were like this even before their psychic abilities kicked in and made them value even more their personal space, and ability to have a place that is set apart as Theirs Exclusively where they can go to get some distance from all the mental, emotional, and sensory overload that comes from feeling almost everyone’s feelings and hearing many of their thoughts**, to some extent or another, almost all the time;

and the few albums of old photos and framed old photos, some of which are just garden variety embarrassing like, “yes, my hair is naturally blond, here is photographic evidence from before my parents let me start dyeing it, and oh yeah, that was probably backstage after the community theatre production of Oliver! that I did in eighth grade — oh yeah, definitely that one, there’s my Artful Dodger costume and my glaringly blond hair”

but others of which are, for lack of a better term, fairly emotionally complicated for Josie. There are several different reasons why any of these photos might be kinda complicated — ranging from, “they feature Josie’s one particularly heinous ex-boyfriend who used his wealthy family’s connections to get Josie blacklisted from working in fashion after they graduated from Pratt’s School of Design” to, “they’re from the year in high school that Josie wound up having to do over because they had to spend a few months getting inpatient treatment for their eating disorder”

^: even before getting recruited to S.T.R.O.M.A., Josie got really good at finding a balance between the, “I don’t want to look pretty, I want to look otherworldly and possibly like a vampire fairy from Wonderland” style of makeup that they want to wear, and a “more professional” style that is less likely to make their clients feel uncomfortable or get them harassed — but god, do they wish that they didn’t have to strike said balance.

It wouldn’t actually make their fondness for high-quality and often expensive makeup feel like any less of a guilty pleasure, for several reasons — on one hand, their awareness of how makeup is always politically Complicated, at best; on the other, if they got to wear their makeup exactly how they want it every day, they would end up spending more money on makeup, and it would make them feel guilty because they’d feel like it’s very irresponsible and probably going to screw them over down the line because they bought makeup instead of saving the money or putting it toward something else; and on the tentacle, a whole laundry list of other reasons

—but they would still feel more comfortable with themself and more at ease with everything because they’d be presenting exactly as they want, instead of censoring their own personal gender expressions (which they’re more okay with doing when it comes to their clients because that’s a case of compromising part of their well-being in the name of [probably] helping people who need them and pay them for that help, whereas toning it down at S.T.R.O.M.A. is tedious and Josie would seriously rather not)

(They have more than once said that the degree to which they have to tone things down for S.T.R.O.M.A. makes them feel like Ned “I’m not a Satanic sex god anymore, used to be a super gothed out androgynous rock star, but is now a straitlaced and nerdy substitute teacher” Schneebly from School of Rock.

This is not a good feeling, in Josie Land. They don’t like it and they live for the weekend because, barring any major incidents that get them called in to S.T.R.O.M.A., they get to wear what the fuck they want, forego pants in favor of their favorite skirts, do their gender how the fuck they want, and wear makeup that makes them look like a vampire fairy from Wonderland)

Phobias: Josie’s biggest fear, in the immediate sense, is losing control of their psychic abilities and ending up hurting people and/or destroying themself somehow.

Underlying that, they have a bigger and more further-reaching fear of being out of control of themself and their own actions, in general.

They’re simultaneously afraid of crowds (largely because they can get really overwhelming for Josie, really fast), and afraid of isolation, which ends up making them a lot like the sort of cat who goes all like, “cuddle me cuddle me cuddle me please please please i need love and affection… no wait, fuck you, this is stifling me and i need to get out of here… wait shit i’m lonely someone please love me… no, not you, you fucking suck… why am i so lonely, why won’t anyone pay attention to me… and so and so forth ad nauseam”

That said, when I was doing Pottermore quizzes for my kids because that is the sort of thing I find both fun and useful, Josie’s picked, “Isolation” for the, “Which is your greatest fear” question on the wand quiz

They picked, “An eye at the keyhole of the dark, windowless room in which you are locked” for the, “Which nightmare would frighten you most” question on the Sorting Hat quiz

Other miscellaneous fears and squicks: Worms, eels, and anything like that (but snakes are okay, snakes are great).

The possibility of never finding love (which they know is kind of ridiculous, because they do have a lot of love in their life… but Josie does want to be with someone romantically, and all their miscellaneous issues with their blood family aside, it’s weird and kind of disheartening for them that most of their cousins have gotten married or settled down with someone, so yeah, Josie knows that this fear is based on a lot of ideas that they generally don’t like and don’t want to live by, but still.

They’re 35, their closest friends both have longstanding romantic relationships, they’re one of the few cousins left who doesn’t have a plus-one to bring to the next family wedding, and they want a romantic relationship, so being perpetually reminded that they’re not in one kicks them in the larger fear that there is something about them that is just fundamentally unlovable, so they might end up being forever alone).

What They Would Be Famous For: Realistically? Probably how they’re going to start a new superhero team with Lucy, Pete, and Sebastian — later accumulating others — and how they’re all going to kinda stumble into trying to foil some other mutants who also happen to be neo-fascist supervillains. But had Josie’s one ex, Danny, not effectively gotten them blacklisted from working in fashion, Josie might well have made a pretty big name for themself there.

They used to joke about being famous for going on Project Runway and winning, but… this started after they’d already gotten onto the path that led them to therapeutic practice, and seen that they had the potential to do a lot of good in the world by continuing on that path, so the chances of them actually doing the Project Runway thing were almost nothing

What They Would Get Arrested For: While they haven’t technically been arrested before, Josie could have been arrested for illegally overstepping the bounds of what their particular level of metahuman license allowed them to do, and if they get arrested in the future, it is almost definitely going to be for something like protesting or some trumped up nonsense charges that actually boil down to, “getting on the wrong side of neo-fascist supervillains who have wealth and connections and political power.”

OCs You Ship Them With:

Romantically: Pete is my favorite here, but: 1. I’m also going to make them work for it, because they would be good for each other, but it wouldn’t just happen super-easily for several reasons, both about the two of them individually and about how they get on together;

and 2. I’d also dig shipping Josie with Seb, Stephen, Vince, Sylvia, Izzy, Raphael, and Cynthia — though tbh, I like non-romantic Seb/Josie better than romantic Seb/Josie

Platonically: As mentioned, Jude, Rocky, and Sebastian. Aside from them, Margot, Lucy, and Sara Grace (who are all ruled out as romantic options by the three of them being lesbians), and Josie being genderfluid, yes, but not identifying with womanhood enough for them to consider romantically pursuing someone who identifies as a lesbian. Todd (who I kind of feel bad for, because he’s sort of the loser in love so far, but otoh, that’s partially his own damn fault and he has a lot of growing to do before I’m letting him have a romantic relationship that actually lasts). Yael and Elizabeth. Really, everyone on the romantic list is a good platonic relationship, too.

“this is not a ship that i condone but i find their relationship interesting, and exploring Not Good relationships is Important to me”: Julian, who actually hasn’t met Josie yet, and won’t for a while, and their relationship will be…… tricky, in a lot of ways, many of which have something to do with how Julian is a huge tool who has a charming tendency to take his own self-loathing and insecurity out on everyone else while acting campy and making sarcastic quips as though this makes his behaviors totally okay.

Pretty much everything about Julian makes him someone who would make Josie say, “the Lord is testing me”

(only for someone — probably Lucy — to go, “But you’re not Christian” and get told either, “I was raised as one, maybe Jesus’s Dad is still grumpy that I found someone who’s better for me. Anyway, you know what I meant, right?”

or, “Fine. The Almighty Thundering Zeus, lord of the heavens and king of Olympus and He Who Was Cheating On His Wife With Everyone Ever Before It Was Cool, is testing me. There. Does that version make you happy?”)

But, yeah. Julian would make Josie go, “someone is testing me” because so much of who and what he is makes Josie want to help him, but so much of what he does makes Josie want to punch him

(an impulse that Josie largely won’t be acting on because, unfortunately for them:

1. they did not get any super-strength kinds of mutations and in an RPG, Strength would be one of their lowest stats;

and 2. first, they need to learn how to throw a punch without hurting themself more than the other person.

Punching neo-fascists isn’t their strong suit. They can let Seb and Lucy do the actual punching.

And Pete, even though Pete really shouldn’t because Pete also doesn’t know how to throw a punch without hurting himself more than the other person, so Josie is more likely to try and stop him from punching a neo-fascist supervillain in the face.

Not that Josie will always succeed in that, but… well. They and their teammates are all only human.)

Anyway, uh. Josie/Julian isn’t a ship that I’d personally want to see as the endgame of anything, ever, but I find their dynamic and the potential interactions between them interesting, and they’re something I’m looking forward to playing around with more, when it’s their time

OC Most Likely To Murder Them: Conrad will kinda want to, because he finds Josie’s sense of ethics to be, “tedious and outdated,” but ultimately, he wouldn’t go through with it because Josie’s creativity would intrigue him too much.

Senator Huntington would also want Josie to die, but he wouldn’t do any of the actual murdering because he doesn’t do his own dirty work.

All things considered, Edward and Desmond are probably going to end up with the job, “Go kill the weird effete one who looks like some kind of vampire fairy from Wonderland” because everyone else is busy, and they will fail at it, because that’s kind of what they do.

They are Those Two Bad Guys, and they kind of suck at almost everything that they try to do.

Favorite Movie/Book Genre: Fantasy, vampire trash, psychological thrillers, magical girl everything, and horror (pretty much all kinds of horror, though Josie’s most fond of monster horror, anything with revenge-y themes, and religious or cosmic horror. They will probably tell you, “The weirder and more pointlessly, aesthetically symbolic, the better”).

Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: Josie would tell you that it’s how much romanticized abuse there is in paranormal romance, and to be fair, they do hate that…… but they still read it or watch it and get invested in these fictional relationships, even without necessarily coming up with a counter-reading of the text’s opinion, beyond, “this relationship is abusive even if the author doesn’t get that”

Which, to be fair, doesn’t mean that they don’t hate the prevalence of romanticized intimate partner abuse, just that it’s an, “I hate this thing” where they still engage with it, and not just because there aren’t always a lot of options without it

(Horror flicks that demonize and stigmatize mental illness are a thing where Josie doesn’t like the thing, but suffers through them because there aren’t a lot of other options otherwise)

But one trope that will make them, “nope” out…… uh.

Josie is really sensitive about The Uncanny Valley, and while they may not fully, “nope” out of things over it, they need to take more time than most people to prep themselves for seeing it and recover after seeing it

Also, not a trope, but Shia LaBeouf will make Josie “nope” out of anything. They have no rational reason for disliking Shia LeBouf, so much as he Just Irrationally Bugs Them, but they will “nope” out of things if he’s involved

Talents and/or Powers: Okay, so, a lot of Josie’s actual superpowers are discussed elsewhere, especially in the footnotes, so let’s talk about their other, non-mutant superpowers. They can sew. Even without having been actively designing anything for a while, they can still pull out a good design and they are capable of following a pattern pretty well. They know their limits fairly well, and better than pretty much everyone in the main team (this doesn’t mean that they always). And it’s almost 4 AM, so this answer is getting cut short by, “I am tired and I want to sleep” (and the next two answers will suck for the same reason)

Why Someone Might Love Them: Josie is creative and curious and once you get them to warm up, calm down, and stop worrying so much about anything, they’re a complete dork who, among other things, gives people, “C’thulhu kisses” (done by sticking your hands in front of your mouth and wiggling your fingers like tentacles, and maybe making a silly noise and saying, “C’thulhu kisses!” like you’re Sailor Moon shouting her transformation phrase). They have a pretty good sense of humor about themself, outside of their precious few no go areas. Josie is compassionate and they do genuinely want the best for most people, even people they don’t personally like very much. They try to be patient with people, even when they really don’t want to be, and even if they don’t always know what the best option is, they still try to actually do things and choose the best option for creating positive change.

Why Someone Might Hate Them: Their cycle of indecisiveness that leads to recklessness that leads to self-punishing thoughts and behaviors that leads to more indecisiveness, and rinse lather repeat. Their tendency to be really judgmental, even while acknowledging that being judgmental is something that, in their experience, causes more harm than good, and that they want to avoid more often. The way that they can lapse into talking like a high school goth kid who’s up-talking the superiority of goth subculture and doesn’t realize that they sound like an elitist, conformist prick, just like the people they’re complaining about allegedly do.

How They Change: Well, for one thing, Josie has some things to learn about how they relate to people and manage their relationships — which doesn’t necessarily make them special because this is just kind of a Thing for most of my main characters in one way or another. Josie’s specific issue wrt relating to other people has to do with their reluctance to trust people and open up and try to build any new relationships, which has often led to them practicing a sort of interpersonal-level isolationism that has hurt them and other people.

They also have something to learn about managing the façade(s) that they present to the world, much like how Seb has to learn something about his habit of acting like everything is okay while he’s suffering and thinking anyone believes him anymore because he doesn’t want to deal with his problems

and like how Pete has to learn about how…… yeah, okay, he is genuinely angry about a lot of things — some of them fair and really more, “righteous indignation” than anything else, and some of them less fair — but a lot of how he acts that anger out in the world is not actually as truthful as Pete feels like it is, but more a way of keeping people at arm’s length, testing them and testing his relationships with them, and trying to push them away before they can get the chance to hurt him

In Josie’s case, their façade(s) are a bit different because most of them came into being less because of an emotional choice on Josie’s part — e.g., Seb doesn’t want to deal with his problems because they’re painful and terrifying and they feel like they’re too big to handle — and more out of pragmatic decisions

……but then Josie came to rely on them in contexts other than the ones in which they were originally created, and balancing that many different versions of yourself is stressful as fuck-all, especially for someone who already has to do a lot of work to keep reminding themself of where their personal boundaries are, and Josie hides in their different façades every bit as much as every other character who has one, and largely only gets away with that because most people in their life don’t know them well enough to notice this, and their façades do still have pragmatic value, so most people who do notice don’t say shit about shit

Then, there’s Josie’s relationship to time, which

I’m going to explain this really badly now, because it’s 3:33 and I’m tired, but basically, I see Seb, Josie, and Lucy as complementing each other in how they relate to and orient themselves in time, and the negative side-effects that they create for themselves because of these behaviors

On one hand, Seb is way too prone to being stuck in the past. He clings to it too much — but also has a selective relationship with it, where people he cares about get forgiven too easily and Seb tries to deny that he still feels upset about anything (even when basically everyone around him knows that he does feel upset and is just trying not to deal with it), while Seb forgives himself for nothing and defines himself so much by all of his past mistakes

—and he goes past the point of, “honoring and respecting history, such as by not ignoring times when he did fuck up (of which there are many)” to, “actively impeding his own progress in life because, for example, he keeps trying the same shit over and over and over again, even though it literally never works, because it’s what he did before.” Plus, some of his ideas about the past are distorted by various factors, or missing entirely (most often due to intoxicated blackouts and/or head trauma that would have had more disastrous effects on him if not for his mutant healing factor), or otherwise unreliable, so that’s a problem.

On the other hand, Lucy is future-oriented and totally jazzed up about trying new things and meeting new challenges head on and doing things!! also STUFF!!!!! there is an entire world full of THINGS AND STUFF AND BY GOD, LUCY IS GOING TO DO ALL OF IT OR AT LEAST AS MUCH OF IT AS SHE POSSIBLY CAN AND THINGS ARE GOING TO GET BETTER SO HELP HER GOD OR JESUS OR SATAN OR WHOEVER EXCELSIOR YAH YAH YAH!!!!

……which is great and all, but she charges headlong into shit without an actual plan (seriously, most of her plans follow the good old, “step one: do this thing / step two: ………… / step three: PROFIT!” formula), and she’s a case of someone who is averse to learning from history at all because she doesn’t want to be shackled to it, but having no sense of history can be just as bad as being overly chained to it like Sebastian, and… well. You can try to outrun the past like she does, but it doesn’t tend to work out very well, and it’s not going to work for Lucy either

On the tentacle, we have Josie, who ostensibly has a balance between the past and the future orientations that we see in Seb and Lucy, because Josie’s primary focus tends to lie on the present, and at most, the very near future or very recent past

—but that’s not actually a balance like Josie wants to believe, because (among other things), it makes it very easy for Josie to ignore past lessons that are older than maybe the past two or three months; and it means that while Josie can see all kinds of potential consequences, their ability to predict what they could be gets a lot less reliable as you go further into the future; and it means that Josie has trouble actually putting together a longer-term plan, which is part of their problem with wanting to create positive change in the world but not knowing how

Josie also has a tougher road (imltho) to go on about finding a new and better balance here, because their focus on the present is something they learned in recovery, as part of learning about mindfulness, and it does help them sometimes — but on that personal level, Josie’s presentist focus can also hurt them because, even when they notice certain behaviors in themself that could get Bad For Them, they can also overlook some of these budding patterns because they’re not Obviously Bad Enough to feel like a major concern, or they look different from other past manifestations of Josie’s behavior patterns so Josie doesn’t think they need to worry about these behaviors, and so on

I’m mean to my characters and I’m going to make them work to be happy, but they will all be happy, eventually

Uh. Barring most of the villains, because letting the neo-fascist assholes win in the end would be a complete downer that would probably end up undermining a lot of the whole, “just because the world is a crapsack hellhole doesn’t mean that it has to stay that way or that we should give up on it” idea

Why You Love Them: Okay, so, this needs a bit of a story.

See, Josie is a retooled character from an old RP that I was in way, way back. I loved them a lot, and they weren’t entirely wrong for the game — they had a good run in their first incarnation — but they also weren’t entirely right for it, and they kind of floundered a bit because I wasn’t entirely sure what to do with them.

A large part of this was due to how Josie was a senior at their school and, because of the year they did over, they were itching to get out and go to college, and the closest they got to an actual arc was how they didn’t want to leave behind their ex-boyfriend turned best friend (who was in the class below them), but did want to go to college already and get to the rest of their life

and how they had some trouble with accepting said best friend’s new boyfriend when Josie really wanted to be compassionate, because New Boyfriend was mentally ill and dealing with some trauma and Josie sympathized and wanted him to be well because why the Hell would you wish for someone to be *UN*well jfc — but also had trouble with that because New Boyfriend was sometimes aware of how some of his actions affected other people, but sometimes not, but sometimes he was and did the stupid things anyway, and even in working on his problems, he made the mistake that a lot of people do where they focus on getting well as defined by and in order to please the people around them, rather than doing it for themselves

—all of which Josie was sympathetic to in a big way, having been in some similar places before themself…… but they had a hard time always being as compassionate as they wanted to be because New Boyfriend’s actions had been hurting Best Friend, and even knowing that this wasn’t entirely something that New Boyfriend could be entirely blamed for (for several reasons), Josie still had a hard time trying to overlook the, “this lovable weirdo is my friend, my best friend, and even though we aren’t together anymore, I love him, and you hurt him, so yeah, I’m kinda mad at you for that” thing

And this all goes back to why I love Josie because one thing that they’ve kept in a big way, in getting retooled and updated and worked into my dumb little stories about neurodivergent and/or mentally ill LGBTQ mutant superheroes (and Pete, who is not actually a mutant but is neurodivergent, gay, an abuse survivor, and a superhero and I will fight anyone who says otherwise)

(I mean, ffs. Batman doesn’t have any mutant superpowers, and Iron Man wouldn’t have any actual superpowers without his ridiculous power-armor and, depending on the continuities, his arc reactors. So, no, I don’t think that Pete needs to have literal superpowers to count as a superhero — but that’s beside the point and to be fair, I will admit to being biased because I love Pete more than George RR Martin loves Jon Snow and Tyrion Lannister)

Anyway. As I was saying.

One thing that Josie has kept in a big way is that ongoing fight with themself over two equally powerful impulses or reactions to things or desires — like their, “I want affections and I want to be around people…… okay no this is overwhelming and I don’t actually like these people fuck this I want to be alone…… oh but being alone sucks and now I’m lonely, I want to be where the people are, let’s go to the movies…… oh my god why did we go see the new Star Wars while it’s still a relatively recent release, I barely remember anything about the actual movie, I was too overwhelmed by the feelings of everyone else in that completely packed theatre… and so on” relationship with other people and being around them or not

Or like their big struggle in the first book of wanting to help people and create positive change in the world, but not being able to do too terribly much on their own for a lot of reasons (some of which are about Josie personally, and some of which are about the whole Lone Superhero thing be a lot of hot fucking nonsense that is fundamentally unsustainable), but not having an official team to belong to because although they work for S.T.R.O.M.A., they don’t like S.T.R.O.M.A., and while they are part of the extended Wardens family, they’re not a fully-fledged Warden and so much of the Wardens’ everything is based around Yael and Elizabeth’s school, so being one and not being up in Poughkeepsie would be weird and mean you end up missing out on a lot and, in Josie’s case, end up feeling like an outsider even when you’re surrounded by people who, for the most part, love you and accept you exactly as you are, but also not entirely doing everything they can to find a team because, in fairness, it can be really difficult to do that even if you don’t work for the U.S. government……

Basically, I love Josie because I love making my characters deal with internal conflict, and while all of them have a lot of it, I’m really fond of Josie’s particular brand of, “self-reflective, doing things but not things that add up to bigger things in the ways that Josie wants, trying to remedy that but it’s hard, not sure what to do or if going after these new possibilities and new ideas will make things worse, getting fed up with themself and needing to try something, but but but five million different elements all converging on each other but but but” internal conflict

And I’m really fond of it in Josie’s case because Josie is savvy enough to know that they can’t fall into the same, “do fuck-all nothing about anything until the last possible minute” trap, but their frustration is less about, “I can’t do anything” and more about, “but what do the things that I do actually mean, who am I helping, am I actually helping them or not, how can I do things that create more significant positive changes or is there a way to do that at all”

And, well. There is, Josie, but it requires you to trust some new people, bond with some new people, build relationships with them and work on maintaining said relationships, find strength in numbers, and learn more about loving and letting people love you back because one of your biggest problems in your previous relationships has been that you don’t open up — not, “you open up slowly” but, “you don’t open up with most people, period, despite knowing that this is not a sustainable way of doing things” — so yeah I’d say you need to learn about that, and learn to stop being such a lone wolf because do you know what generally happens to lone wolves? Either they find a pack somehow, or they die (without making any kind of positive changes in the world around them, relative to the size and interests of, y’know, wolves).

……Because I’m a lonely and bitter and it makes my half-dead little heart happy to make my characters find more strength together than they do apart and learn to love and be loved in return without it coming off as one-sided, like it can do in a lot of takes on that trope that are aimed at children, because…… uh, last I checked, the whole point of a relationship is that it is not exclusively about one person’s needs or desires???

Also, Josie is a compassionate but grumpy grown up goth kid who is trying to be a good person, and doing a better job than a lot of other characters, but definitely has a problem with their judgmental tendencies and how they sometimes externalize them and get super-judgmental of others, because on some level, their mind is like, “fuck, can i get a break from always punishing myself over here, jfc” and I don’t know, it’s almost 4AM and I have lost track of how long I’ve been writing this

Josie’s a nerd and a cat who can’t make up their mind about whether they want to be outside chasing butterflies or inside sitting on your keyboard so that you have to pay attention to them and not your computer and idk, I love them, the end

(except for the footnotes oops)

*: Special Taskforce for the Regulation and Oversight of Metahuman Affairs — or in plain-speak, the FBI’s wing of people who get involved in all of the shiny, extralegal superpowered mutant hijinks.

They have a pretty good working relationship with their counterparts at the Department of Health and Human Services (who actually end up handling most mutant affairs, because this world treats the question of super-powered mutant licensing as more equivalent to getting a driver’s license, and frankly, most mutants in the U.S. just want to go about their lives in peace — like, go to college, get a job, go on dates, come home and watch the Daily Show, and not be bothered about or make trouble for anyone else with the weird superpowers that most of them did not want or ask for — so there’s rarely any actual reason for the FBI to go stick their noses into anything, and there are plenty of cases where they get called in, only to find that they aren’t actually needed after all), but… yeah.

S.T.R.O.M.A. is a faction of people who exist. Josie works for them, for all they would really rather not. Unfortunately for Josie, particularly powerful metahumans tend to wind up on a lot of S.T.R.O.M.A. watch-lists, and they are more likely to do so when they have powers that the people at the FBI consider particularly useful or desirable — for example, telepathy and hyper-empathy, in Josie’s case. For the most part, these watch-lists don’t actually amount to anything because they don’t end up being relevant to most of the cases that S.T.R.O.M.A. has to deal with.

—but then you can have situations like Josie’s, where they were one of many mutants who got in a brief spot of trouble over genuine confusion surrounding a new bill that had just gone through Congress and revised some of the definitions of and privileges associated with/afforded to people at the different levels of metahuman licenses. (Since this is still America and we’re still talking about the FBI, there are also plenty of even worse potential outcomes for people who end up on their miscellaneous mutant watchlists — which is one of the big points that gets brought up by people who either want to reform or do away with the whole metahuman licensing thing — but in fairness to most people, they don’t know the full specifics.)

Anyway, Josie got in trouble because they are an actual therapist and, although they prefer not to use their powers with clients and extensively brief anyone who asks about trying that approach (about the potential benefits vs. potential risks, all the drawbacks, all the potential unintended consequences, etc.) while offering them plenty of chances to change their mind and go, “okay, let’s not do this,” they do still let their clients know that they’re a telepath/empath and that they can use their powers in a therapeutic context but it’s not the best thing to try as a first approach

Which is all great, except that Josie had been assured that they wouldn’t need to get a different kind of license to continue doing this, after that bill passed… except that they did. And this probably would’ve continued with no actual interference from anybody because Josie is hyper-responsible about using their powers with clients, about keeping up on all of the latest research and debates about therapeutic uses for psychic abilities and the ethical issues surrounding this, and so on…… except that one of their clients was a teenager who needed parental consent to go through with this, and one of their parents worked for S.T.R.O.M.A.

Relevant piece of context: Josie was absolutely not the only mutant who’d had some confusion over the revised licensing scheme. Josie wasn’t even the only mutant in the greater Baltimore area who had similar confusion on this issue.

But Josie was one of the only ones who was already on S.T.R.O.M.A.’s radar when they got in trouble, partly by virtue of being a “telempath,” partly by virtue of having trained with Dr. Elizabeth Woodham (who is: one of the most powerful telepaths in the entire world; a respected professor, activist, and philanthropist; one of the first mutants in the States to register for one of the early, “superhero licenses” [not their official name, but that’s the gist of what they are]; and with her wife, Dr. Yael Lehrer, one of the co-founders of the Wardens and co-headmistresses of one of the most respected schools for mutants in North America), and partly by virtue of having a lot of (mostly untapped) potential power.

And, see, one of S.T.R.O.M.A.’s problems is that it is perpetually under-staffed, in all areas but especially in terms of mutants who work for them, and moreover, mutants who will actually do fieldwork (like, Pete’s cousin Emerson is a mutant and he does work for S.T.R.O.M.A., but he’s lower on the powers scale than most of their employees who do active fieldwork, and he has no desire to do fieldwork when he could do lab-work instead). There are a lot of reasons for this problem of staffing, but one of the more noticeable end-results is that S.T.R.O.M.A. can be somewhat unethical in some of their recruitment bids. Like, yes, sometimes, you just get a visit from Some Guy Who Is Totally Not Nick Fury, who offers you a chance to be a part of something bigger than yourself and to use your abilities to help people

Other times, you get treated to a few hours of what S.T.R.O.M.A. sees and treats as the interview portion of applying for a Very Important Position somewhere, except that they don’t tell you that this is what they’re doing and they use “interview” (read: interrogation) techniques that people in law enforcement usually save for wrangling confessions out of suspects.

It will not look like it, but they are actually trying to figure out some specific things about you, including but not limited to: how you handle high-stress and high-pressure situations (like, for example, being accused of using your powers for any extralegal vigilantism, and maybe knowing things about [the biggest mutant-related news of the day] that they don’t; being threatened with a trip to one of the U.S. prisons designed to hold mutants; etc.); various details about your backstory and who you are as a person and what your biggest Deals are (i.e., getting you to help them run a damn background check on yourself); and how in control of your powers you are (since they trust the DHHS evaluations, but prefer to supplement them with firsthand evidence).

Then, once they’ve figured out what they want to know, you might very well be offered something to the tune of, “Alright, this is your first offense, and based on your dossier and this interview, we think that you could be an asset to S.T.R.O.M.A., if you wanted. If you like the sound of working for us, at least as an analyst or consultant if not a fully-fledged special agent, then we can make all of this legal trouble just go away. If you don’t like the sound of that, then……… well… *deliberately trails off to let you draw your own conclusions while still staying within the letter of the law, because hey, they didn’t actually tell you that you’d for sure end up getting prosecuted and going to prison*”

So…… yeah. S.T.R.O.M.A. and Ethics are not always on speaking terms.

Add this recruitment story to Josie’s frustrations with how metahuman employees at S.T.R.O.M.A. tend to get treated — e.g., they, themself, are often trotted out to go liaise with different media outlets as a public face of Mutants Who Work Here, Look We’re Trying Our Best So You Should All Just Totally Cooperate With Us, but they’re discouraged from voicing any of their own opinions and advised to just stick to these Bureau-approved talking points — and at having to be closeted and fairly masc-presenting at work because S.T.R.O.M.A. thinks they’re a cis man, and…… yeah, uh.

“Josie would really, really rather not work here” is an understatement af… but they continue working here anyway because: 1. as a consultant, they can still usually balance things enough to keep working as a therapist;

and 2. Josie wants so badly to help people, and for all S.T.R.O.M.A. is highly unethical (sometimes) and part of the goddamn FBI, most of the people who work there also want to help people and use their work to create positive changes in the world — and it’s not an unfair observation that, on their own, there really isn’t much that Josie can do (because the idea of the solo superhero who works alone… isn’t sustainable, like??

Aside from the political and ideological issues with that whole aspect of superhero mythology, it’s not actually feasible for one person, working on their own, to create any positive change. It would be massively unhealthy for them, there’s only so much they can do as one person, there are no actual safeguards in place if they ever get corrupted, and as multiple deconstructions of the genre have shown, it’s really easy for a classic lone vigilante model superhero to slide into a mindset like Rorschach’s — which is full of hypocrisy, double standards, misogyny and homophobia and ableism, and total moral absolutism that simultaneously allows no room for compassion and keeps Rorschach from being able to appreciate the big picture outside of his little myopic Objectivst bubble — or Frank Miller!Batman, who is often only a step or two off from actual fascism, but we probably won’t call it that because he’s wearing the Batman suit).

At this point, Josie has even had it all but confirmed that the agents who came to recruit them definitely “avoided certain truths to manipulate them” on purpose, so they’re reasonably certain that they could probably leave S.T.R.O.M.A without having their previous step out of bounds dredged up and handed to a D.A. who’d be pressured to prosecute them for it…… but they want to help people, and S.T.R.O.M.A. is one of the only options that they can currently see where they get to help anyone.

So, here they are. Working in a position that they’re not a fan of, looking at the motivational posters of gothed out kittens that one of their best friends drew for them, and trying to take, “hang in there!” kitty’s advice and tough it out at S.T.R.O.M.A. for the sake of doing some good in the world.

**: This mostly happens if Josie doesn’t have the energy enough or keep focus enough to keep their mental walls up — which they are usually very diligent about because on one hand, hearing other people’s thoughts kind of sucks actually (Josie would definitely agree with the sentiment that, a lot of the time, being a telepath is like having a youtube comments section screaming at you in your head)

—and on the other, um, hello, telepathy can, in the wrong hands, become a walking violation of civil liberties. Like, if you ask Josie, telepathy has a lot in common with wiretapping, though they consider it potentially even more dangerous than that, because it’s harder to prove that telepathy has been involved in something, since:

1. yes, the traces of telepathy can show up on a CAT scan or an MRI of the brain, but you’d need a neurologist who is well-trained, very attentive, and up to date on as much of the current research into telepathy as possible — or hey, a team of neurologists might not be a bad idea, if you can get them all, because one neurologist might miss something

—but otoh, the traces of telepathy can sometimes also be mistaken as signs of something else, especially if someone is neurodivergent and/or mentally ill, has suffered any serious and/or recent head injuries, has a history of substance abuse, is sleep-deprived at the time of the tests, may actually have something else going on in their brain in addition to the traces of telepathy

Seriously, just about anything that affects the brain can make it harder to tell whether or not someone’s been hit with telepathy

Plus: telepathic abilities are sort of mid-level common among mutants, and some mutants use them without even realizing it because their powers haven’t manifested in ways that are for sure Outside Three Standard Deviations From The Non-Mutant Human Mean, so some minor telepathic scarring is common, even in people who haven’t been hit by something as awful as, say, memory modification, or having someone go in and pick around in their brain like they’re flipping through an issue of Us Weekly

—and without a keen, well-trained eye, it can be really hard to tell those types of telepathic scarring apart

2. some of the traces of telepathy are more subjective, and while they might show up on a brain scan, the best evidence of them will come from the people who’ve been hit with the telepathic whatever

—but that’s going to be a problem because, in a lot of cases, they won’t have any memory of it, or they’ll have a false memory of it, and there’s no guarantee that further telepathic probing will be able to help here, and it could just make things worse. Plus, there’s no guarantee that the people who’ve been hit will actually be aware that what they’re experiencing is related to telepathy.

This is especially true with experienced, exceptionally powerful, and/or highly meticulous telepaths, because some of them can dick around in people’s heads and leave barely any trace that they were there

Like, for an example of what a more subjective trace might look like: Conrad is a telepath, and unlike Josie, he doesn’t really care about ethics or the rights of most other people. About ten years before the story actually starts, he took an interest in his new brother-in-law’s youngest brother (Sebastian), because he could sense something in Seb — he didn’t know what it was, exactly, but it was definitely a something — that made him go, “huh, maybe this emotionally troubled nearly twenty-year-old boy is also a mutant”

(I mean, he’s not wrong. And the something that he got a sense of back then is the part of Seb that he’s eventually going to call, “La Bête,” because if he’s going to go for the superhero thing and need a codename, then, “Gévaudan” makes sense to him because his family is insistently French [despite not having lived in France since about 1781, apart from one ancestral namesake of Seb’s who stayed in Paris for their Revolution (and Severin Sebastien Moncrieff was a confirmed bachelor, so he left behind a partner but no heirs), well before La Bête du Gévaudan was a Thing, and despite not being from the region of France where that happened] and hey, he can apparently turn into a giant wolf-man, now

—and if he’s calling himself, “Gévaudan,” then, “La Bête” is just thematically consistent. But that’s beside the point.)

Anyway: Conrad wasn’t new to his powers ten years ago, but he was much more reckless with them — especially when he believed that he was absolutely right and would stop at nothing to prove it — and he had less finesse in using them.

So, he left behind plenty of traces when he decided to use his little sister’s wedding reception as a chance to go telepathically play around with Seb, trying to either figure out if his new brother-in-law’s little brother actually was a mutant, or maybe triggering his powers into fully manifesting (plus plying him with alcohol and adding rohypnol to the mix based on the notion that either it wouldn’t affect Seb because he’s a mutant, or if not that, then it’d trigger his abilities into manifesting).

The underlying logic of the rohypnol idea was actually not wrong, because toxin filtering is one of the more common mutant abilities you find in the States (and it happens to be one that Seb has), and some mutants have had their powers manifest in response to poisoning, drugging, exposure to carbon monoxide or other toxic fumes, and even being given antibiotics or certain medications

The idea was still morally wrong and ethically skeevy, but the mutant-related logic actually did work. Where Conrad went wrong on that count was that he overly simplified the situation, only looked for two potential reactions, and didn’t know what to make of how Seb was affected by the rohypnol but not nearly as badly as he should’ve been, so he went, “Was he affected or not?? I don’t know????”

[Here is where I cut a whole big tangent explaining that whole story, but it got way, way off the point, so.]

Anyway, the gist of the story is that Conrad is the only person who consciously remembers everything that happened, since most of the people who cared about it were not present for the encounter itself, and Conrad screwed around with Seb’s memories, both telepathically and not.

Like, Seb has more memories of it than he would if he weren’t a mutant, considering that he got dosed with rohypnol, but he also has false memories about some of what happened, and Conrad repressed Seb’s memories of certain events (like how many times he tried to break away from Conrad, or turn down the offer of another drink, because he’d promised his big brother that he wouldn’t get drunk and make a scene at Max’s wedding or the reception, and it was important to him to honor that promise)

Fortunately for Conrad, Seb is not one of the mutants who has an increased resistance to psychic attacks — largely because, contrary to what Conrad thought until about two years before the story starts, someone’s ability to resist to psychic attacks has nothing to do with whether or not they’re a mutant (aside from some special cases where someone has a resistance to any psychic attacks that falls outside three standard deviations of the non-mutant human mean)

—so, despite the feelings he sometimes gets that something about those memories might be wrong, Seb totally believes that they’re real and he doesn’t notice any of the incongruities unless someone points them out, which almost no one has any reason to do because there isn’t usually a reason for Seb to talk at length about the details of this particular incident that happened almost ten years ago

(there would be, if he ever brought it up in therapy or at AA and/or NA, or dwelled on it when he did, but that has yet to actually happen)

Unfortunately for Conrad, he did a sloppy job of this, and while it would be hard for a neurologist to tell the physical signs of his telepathic probing apart from the other brain damage that Seb’s accrued, the hardest thing for most other telepaths would be trying to find the right memories. The crap-shoot nature of telepathically digging through someone else’s mind is one of the many reasons why Josie doesn’t like using their powers as a first approach in therapy, because you can never guarantee with any reliable certainty that you’ll get at the parts of someone’s mind that you want

—but if someone did get to Seb’s memories of this incident, it would be really obvious to them that they’ve been modified. Like, images might be blurred around the edges, it might glitch like a video or audio track that’s skipping, the voices might get distorted, the colors might look wonky, and so on. Prodding a bit more would also be able to undo Conrad’s memory-blocks without doing too much damage to Seb’s brain (not so much on an emotional and psychological level, but the damage there would be more like the painful truth that hurts now but leads to something better)

Anyway, it’s much harder to get proof of this nature when you’re dealing with more skillful, more attentive, more powerful, etc. telepaths, because they aren’t as messy as Conrad was with Seb

and 3. Wiretapping operations usually involve more people, which doesn’t make them ethical or necessarily justified, but it does mean that they’re easier to find evidence of because there are more folks who can spill the beans and point you to it. Telepathy only needs two people to happen, and one may not even be aware of what’s going on, depending on how sensitive they are and whether or not they’re dealing with an ethical telepath

For example: while not metahuman levels of resistant to psychic attacks, Pete is exceptionally sensitive to them and he’s naturally better at resisting them than some people, so if someone wanted to paw through his mind, he has a better chance of recognizing that he’s being telepathically invaded and getting them out

Sebastian, on the other hand, is Bad at recognizing and resisting psychic probing. Unethical telepaths have an easier time of getting through him because at his best, if he isn’t told in advance, then he feels ill at ease, inexplicably anxious (not that it means much, because he tends to attribute that to his shitty mental health), kind of nauseated, and maybe like he’s being spied on. At worst, he doesn’t even notice.

So, basically, Josie considers it a moral and ethical responsibility on their part to do everything they can to not inadvertently spy on people, because there is already so much about telepathy that can go really bad and poses a lot of ethical problems — but they are only human, and there are a lot of ways for someone’s mental walls to come down or reasons why they would.

Letting their empathic walls down usually makes it easier for Josie to focus on keeping up the telepathic walls, since the empathic ones are a lot harder for them to keep up, but it’s only a temporary thing because if Josie takes those walls down, they open themself up to a looooooot of potential overwhelm from outside influence, and there’s always the option to find a balance between the empathic walls and telepathic ones, but sometimes, it’s easier said than done.

Josie is usually too hard on themself for it when any slip-ups on their part happen, even knowing that every other telepath and every other empath has moments like this and even if they got too overwhelmed to actually remember anything and/or heard nothing.

It’s such a big deal to them because the potential for psychic abilities to violate other people — and especially the potential to manipulate people and compromise or outright remove their agency — is something that Josie never wanted. They went into counseling as a profession, after their original plan of going into fashion went up in smoke, but part of it, for them, has always been about trying to help people get their lives back, or manage them better, and so on. Granted, they knew about their telepathic and empathic abilities before they officially went into therapeutic practice, but that, for Josie, was part of how they developed their approach to being a therapist.

Furthermore, on a more personal and less professional note, Josie never wanted mutant superpowers to begin with. After having their telepathy and empathy first manifest in full, they might’ve done plenty of things that they normally wouldn’t even consider, if they thought it could take their powers away.

Partly, that was because their powers manifested toward the end of a really bad mental health downswing that ended in Josie going back to an inpatient treatment center for their eating disorder. Any of these elements on their own would’ve been bad enough, but having them all come down on them at once was Hell for Josie, and worse, trying to get well while you are in an inpatient center and can feel everyone else’s feelings, hear a lot of their thoughts, and are currently having trouble sorting out which parts are your own feelings, which parts are coming from your eating disorder, and which parts are coming from everyone else (not least because you don’t have any proof that you are feeling things or hearing thoughts that are coming from other people).

Josie eventually got help for that part because one of the therapists at the center was a metahuman and had gone to the Woodham and Lehrer School before deciding that she didn’t particularly want to be a superhero in the traditional sense. She reached out to her old teachers, and Josie got help for that while doing more intensive outpatient treatment until they got better at tuning out other people’s thoughts and feelings.

But there’s a lingering problem here that goes back to the feelings that underlie Josie’s ED. When they are at their absolute worst, Josie can be an absolute control freak, and they tend to turn it inward more than outward because they realize that taking it out on other people isn’t fair and they don’t feel good about it. Additionally, feeling other people’s feelings as intensely as they do gives Josie an additional incentive not to take their issues with control out on other people (and did even before their powers fully manifested, because they’ve always been pretty sensitive). On some level, Josie realizes that they can’t control things like how people react to them, whether or not bad things happen to good people, and so on, but that doesn’t always help because it can lead to them feeling even more of a need to crack down on controlling themself.

Having psychic powers becomes problematic for them in two big ways, here:

1. It’s unfortunately very easy for Josie to slip into overly self-punishing thought patterns if they feel like they aren’t as in control of their abilities as they, “should” be — which happens very easily because Josie’s standards for themself aren’t always realistic, and they usually aren’t the best judge of whether or not they’re being fair to themself.

It’s even more noticeable, for them, when they try to do more complex and demanding things with their powers.

This was one of the big reasons why they’ve stayed on good terms with their friends and mentors at the Lehrer and Woodham School, and among Yael and Elizabeth’s Wardens, but consistently rejected any invites to become a Warden (and then regretted that when S.T.R.O.M.A. got them instead, since Josie would much rather be one of the Wardens than working for the FBI).

Basically, Josie trusted Elizabeth’s guidance, and they really, really wanted to trust Elizabeth’s faith in them to handle their full power responsibly…… but it was hard to believe that when they already didn’t feel like they controlled their powers as much as they, “should” have been doing, and Elizabeth wanted to push them further.

For Josie, it felt like the choice came down to, “be a superhero and do more cool superhero things, at the expense of my own well-being, which means I eventually won’t be able to help anyone and could hurt more people than I help”

or, “quietly go back to training for an entirely different career than I expected, keep in touch with Elizabeth and work on honing my abilities, and maybe not get to help people in as big a way as members of the Wardens get to do, but at least, as a therapist, I will still have the ability to help people and will probably be less likely to screw that up by virtue of losing my control over my powers”

(To her credit, Elizabeth was disheartened by this, because she believes in all of her students and wants them to believe in themselves, and really wanted Josie on her team — but she’s learned that the superhero life isn’t for everybody, and that it’s not her job, as a teacher and mentor, to tell people what they should do; it’s her job to show them new approaches, teach them how to learn, help them find what paths and methods work best for them, etc.

So, disheartening as it was, she’s been nothing but supportive about Josie’s choice not to be a Warden, and compassionate about how much Josie doesn’t like working for the FBI — and without trying to turn it into some kind of, “this could be super-beneficial for us, if Josie wanted to give us any advance warning about S.T.R.O.M.A. business that might negatively affect us here” thing like Yael)

(To her credit, Yael really does believe that she’s helping when she says things like that, because she is so fundamentally a doer, rather than a thinker, feeler, planner, or anything else. She is absolutely capable of all of those things, but she has an approach to life and problems that goes, “Okay, this is a Thing and it’s a setback, but what can we do about it, how can we use this to build something even better”

—so her idea of how to help one of her and Elizabeth’s students and comrades with an unexpected and unwanted “recruitment” to S.T.R.O.M.A.… is going, “But look, see, we can still potentially make something good out of this, and just because a government agency snatched you up doesn’t mean that you have to forget your own values or let them control you, this can be a good thing if you take advantage of the right pieces and opportunities”

—for a moment of MBTI nerdery: Yael is an ENTJ (***) vs. Josie’s INFJ (***), so while she has Extroverted Thinking (Te) for a dominant cognitive function and primarily approaches the world based on how to get results, Josie’s dominant function is Introverted iNtuition (Ni), and while they have an orientation toward the future that appreciates where Yael is coming from with her drive to get results, Josie’s primary approach to the world looks less at objective things and objective results, more at patterns and theories and trying to find the, “higher purpose” or, “deeper reason” behind how stuff happens

Which, oddly enough, is part of why Josie and Yael get on so well. They can butt heads with each other, sometimes, but at the end of the day, they complement each other really well because both of them have vision and the drive to act on it, but Yael is better at actually getting shit done, and Josie is better at checking things through the processes of making them happen, finding potential problems that Yael may not have seen coming and trying to work addressing them into the fabric of her plans.

Their Feeling functions also complement each other really well: Josie is a high Feeler, with Extroverted Feeling (Fe) as their auxiliary function, which keeps them more attuned to the state of the group and all the people in it, while Yael has a very good relationship with her inferior Fi (Introverted Feeling), which enables her to better evaluate how their actions and plans are helping or hurting their causes, where their ideals fit into everything, and so on.

So, basically, Yael is better at making sure that they all remember who they are and what they stand for, both individually and as parts of the whole, while Josie is better at attending to people’s emotional needs and keeping the whole intact by caring for the individual members of it.

And because they both respect and admire each other, neither of them devalues the other’s contributions to anything — and it doesn’t matter to Yael that Josie has a badge and would have an easier time getting a gun if they weren’t really uneasy about guns; Josie’s a mutant, they’ve been one of her students, and they care about helping other mutants, so officially being part of S.T.R.O.M.A. doesn’t mean that they aren’t part of Yael’s (larger, mutant) family

—which all means a lot to Josie because, in a lot of ways, they still haven’t entirely outgrown their early experiences of being one of the weird art freaks at school (which, even for someone who wound up being part of a subculture/clique that’s all about going, “fuck you, I’m gonna do my thing and you can love it or shove it,” gave Josie some trouble because, goth of not, they’re sensitive), and they have a huge tendency to be overly harsh with themself and don’t always love themself very much, so this whole unconditional acceptance thing is a Big Deal to them

But I digress.

2. Having psychic powers also gets Problematic for Josie because, in their mind, they’ve spent so much of their life fighting their eating disorder and their overall mental health to keep control of their life, and it’s difficult, periodically degrading, often horrific, and something that they wouldn’t wish on anybody, period…… so having the power to take away someone’s ability to control their own mind? Having the power to violate someone’s agency, potentially with more or less complete impunity? That’s horrifying, and Josie doesn’t want it

One of the easiest ways to make Josie go off the handle at you is to dismiss how hard it is for them to maintain any sense of composure. Like, okay, they can handle people teasing them about some of their self-care habits because humor is how a lot of people come to be comfortable with and accept things they don’t understand at first, and how a lot of people show that they’re comfortable with you and like you.

But if you act like Josie doesn’t have to work, impossibly hard and daily, on their own well-being, because if they don’t, then they could lose control of psychic abilities and this would be Really Fucking Terrible for everyone? ……Uh.

Just don’t do that. It’s not pretty, it’s not fun, it’s mean and please, just don’t do it.

An even easier way to make Josie snap at you is to play what they call, “the Aslan card” — which means telling them that the proof that they can handle the responsibility of psychic powers, is their own fear that maybe they can’t, their awareness of and attentiveness to the ethical and moral problems attached to them having psychic powers, the fact that they’d rather not have psychic powers in the first place because it can — and often does — feel like these powers and their attendant responsibilities are too big and too potentially Terrible Forever, For Everyone

Which Josie calls, “the Aslan card” because, uh. The first time they heard it was from Elizabeth (whose heart was in the right place in saying this, but she didn’t think about how it might end up sounding to Josie), and the first thing Josie was reminded of was Aslan telling Prince Caspian that he’s ready to become the King because he doesn’t think he’s ready

It’s just…… Josie understands where this idea is coming from, and they appreciate the underlying sentiment

But, to them, it always sounds more like, “why are you upset about how hard this is for you, at least it’s happening to you and not someone who doesn’t give a fuck about ethics or how they treat other people, quit whinging and cheer the fuck up”

Which…… yes, Josie knows that this isn’t what most people mean, but it’s still pretty upsetting for them to hear because of how much it reminds them of things that they’ve told themself so many times, when they’ve been at their worst, in terms of their mental health and emotional well-being — especially the things like, “My eating disorder isn’t bad because it’s only hurting me, not anyone else, and it’s only hurting me because I’m weak”

—and yeah, okay, Josie appreciates that you’re trying to help, but they already have enough work to do on keeping themself from slipping back into the comfort of those thought patterns, so if it’s all the same, can you maybe find a different way of trying to comfort them or praise them or whatever? Please?

Thank you, they’d like that

#derekslaura #memes for ts #oc questions #josie quinn: empath disaster #that story with the mutants that i should find a working title for fml #mine: writing #sebastian moncrieff: mutant disaster #pete arden: dramatic disaster #josie x seb #josie x pete #lucy murphy: hemokinetic disaster #josie & lucy #yael lehrer: probably done with your shit #josie & yael #telepathy #okay i'm probably going to miss some cw tags and i'm sorry for that #if anybody needs anything that i miss tagged plz let me know and i'll get it after i sleep <3 #eating disorders cw// mental health issues cw// manipulation ref// consent issues cw//#('consent issues' meaning 'yeah that conrad guy i mention periodically? he's a tool who uses telepathy to #manipulate people as well as using it to sexually assault and rape people with more or less total impunity so far'#but the discussion of it is fairly inexplicit & mostly used as an illustration of #why josie is so hyper-vigilant abt the ethical issues & responsibilities attached to having telepathy in their set of mutant superpowers)#misgendering ref// biphobia ref// homophobia ref// (these are also mostly inexplicit but still present)#longish post//

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eds-zebra-warrior · 3 years

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2021 Ehlers Danlos Society Awareness Month (Day 9 Prompt: Inclusion)

Inclusion is a difficult topic for me as it's very difficult to feel included. This actually comes hand in hand with discrimination, segregation and inequality, especially being someone with EDS who can’t walk. When it comes to family, I can go into my own house and into my neighbor's house and that's about it. I grew up in the invisible illness community, eventually making me part of the rare disease community. As my symptoms progressed and I was paralyzed, becoming a permanent wheelchair user, then fell into the visible illness community. I will explain my lack of inclusion not only among the community, friends and family but also exclusion I face within the medical system and law enforcement.

I have been excluded by all outings and holidays by my extended family. My aunt likes to have holidays at her house and had a wheelchair ramp installed when her mom got older. Not long after the passing of my grandma, I was paralyzed, going into a chair. Being in a chair and my aunt knowing I cannot walk soon after removing the ramp from her house with little to no consideration of my needs so now when she has holiday dinners at her house I cannot go. I brought up the ramp once and she said “Well I didn't think about you” then later I realized how hurtful and mean what she said was so I sat down asking questions like “So you can't walk at all? “Have you ever tried to see if you can stand up?” “Well what about physical therapy?” “Well, I went to physical therapy when I had cancer and it helped a lot so I don't know why it didn't help you.” Which honestly was even more hurtful because I am not even a candidate for physical therapy after being paralyzed during physical therapy.

With cancer going rampant in my family somehow when family members ask about me and how I've been, they somehow seem to turn the conversation into cancer. “Trust me I know what pain is, I had cancer and if you ever get cancer you will learn what real pain feels like.” of from those older than me saying “You're too young for pain, Wait till you’re my age, then you’ll know what real pain is”, failing to even research EDS, Multiple Neuropathies, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome or any of my other conditions. The McGill Pain Scale has recently been challenged with a study done on a cohort of EDS patients. It was found that EDS is more painful than Complex Reginal Pain Syndrome which originally took the top place on the chart as the most painful condition with Cancer pain hitting around the mid range area of the scale. Some tend to downsize EDS and make it sound like I’m just a wimp for needing medication for my pain. I always hear things like “Me and my daughter were sick and we are both doing great now. Why aren't you getting better? Again, this relates my condition to cancer and other long term conditions that are a lot more common and have treatment and/or surgery that can put them into remission.

EDS has no remission. It doesn't magically go away. I have a gene mutation and as of now, you cannot repair a broken gene so this is forever. There is no remission but society is raised to believe cancer is the worst thing a person can ever go through and cancer is also one of those conditions where there are two outcomes. You go into remission and get better, living life normally or possibly on several meds to keep you functioning well, with the exception of younger children or some adults who have organ systems permanently damaged by chemo but even then they are much healthier and have a much more normal life than they did with active cancer. There's also the other side of the spectrum. You die. There are so many conditions that, depending on the type of cancer or hormonal mutations can easily be much worse than cancer leaving people much sicker than chemo patients but with no chance of remission. Imagine being on chemo for 50 years straight.

I have learned to hate the discussion of cancer when others compare pain and symptoms because many with chronic and/or rare diseases like Ehlers Danlos, Lupus, Muscular Sclerosis, Lateral Sclerosis, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Osteogenesis Imperfecta and many more are also very dangerous, have a lot of serious symptoms and comorbidities, risk the person's life and can very well cause more pain or more systemic symptoms than cancer. I am not saying cancer is not important, I am just saying people with these conditions are also compared with people who have cancer with most people who do this not knowing anything about our condition, just going off of the assumption that what we hear about most in the media, what has the most fundraisers and financial backing and what has the most attention has to be worse. Many more will get offended if you explain or give them information relating to the pain levels found in EDS mad that you would ever compare your own medical condition to cancer even after they just did the exact same thing by invalidating your pain and saying something like "If you think you're in pain now you should experience the pain that comes along with cancer. Now that's real pain" Its as if its okay for them to compare but not you making it automatically wrong for you to stick up for yourself when they try to invalidate your pain. The worst part is when they do this day in and day out without even noticing they are doing it. It gets exhausting and frustrating when someone is always trying to tell you why you are weak and spread the misconception that all cancer patients are much sicker than these other conditions, downgrading you. This leads to a lot of people giving unsolicited medical advice, telling you all the reasons why you aren't getting better knowing nothing about your condition so it really does go both ways and gets old to hear.

Another issue I had with inclusion was when my cousin got married. I have food allergies and couldn't eat anything they were serving. At the time I was a teenager and couldn't drive so my mom told my aunt she was going to go to Wendy's and get me a baked potato because I needed to take my medications and needed to take them with food. We were at the reception and next thing I knew my aunt was literally screaming at the top of her lungs at my mom about how she wishes my dad had never married her, she cant stand her and I’m a spoiled rotten little brat. My mom kept trying to get a word in telling her I have food allergies and can't eat what she has so it has nothing to do with being spoiled and it's not that I don't want what they are eating and honestly would probably rather have what they are eating but that I can’t because before my diagnosis gluten put me in multiple organ failure. My aunt was yelling about how she will not take my mom leaving and coming back and me eating Wendy's at their beautiful wedding and continued saying, if I’m hungry enough I will eat what they have and she needs to quit spoiling me and allowing me to have a different meal than everyone else was eating like I was a picky little kid instead of someone who if I ate what they were serving I can go into organ failure or anaphylactic shock. If she didn't think a Wendy's baked potato fit into her daughter's wedding décor scheme she would have really not been happy to have an emergency squad backed up to the door, a gurney and a bunch of paramedics so my mom, myself and my dad didn't understand why she was making such a big deal out of it. My dad then told my aunt we are going to leave and apologies to my cousin for leaving the reception early. After he did this my aunt started calling my mom and I derogatory terms still yelling while my mom was simply talking and trying to keep it quiet so it wouldn't be a big deal but she started calling me and my mom derogatory names and didn't talk to my mom for two years all over a baked potato and my food allergies.

Outside of the family also have little access to inclusion as I have not one friend with a wheelchair ramp or no steps going into their house so zero access to visiting friends as well as family. The lack of understanding crosses over to friends as well and I have lost most of them. I’m not the best when it comes to visiting friends as my health is so unpredictable and many people take this as me being flakey or not wanting to visit when most of them knew how timely and never canceled on them when I was healthier. I also had two friends who used me and manipulated the situation to make it sound as if I was the reason we never hang out. One of these people, she and her husband did a lot of traveling and it seemed like every time she was out of town she would contact me and ask if she and her husband could come visit me when they came back. I would agree and when she was back in town she would usually ignore my messages until a day or two before leaving again and say “I wish you would have said something sooner. We’re packing up now and about to leave to go to Florida now. They would leave and she would message me saying they were on a Disney cruise but when she comes back they wanted to visit me if I was up for it. Again she would either not tell me when she got home or I would message her that day or a day or two later telling her if they want to visit it's fine with no response and no response until right before they were about to leave again saying something like “Oh, well we're about to go to California. I wish you would have let me know sooner, not acknowledging the message was originally sent a week or two prior. When I finally asked if they really wanted to visit or not and what was going on, she then responded saying, well every time I ask if you want to hang out, you never do which was far from the truth since she would only talk about visiting when on vacation or while packing to leave the state again.

Another friend of mine since high school did something similar. She would call or text me and ask if I wanted to hang out the next day and of course sometimes I said no but a lot of the times I said sure because it was something low key like she would come over here to visit or just meet at the dog park or something. If I said yes she would say “I know you have good days and bad days and your health can change so if you are still up for it call me at 10:00 in the morning and let me know what you want to do. Well 10:00 am would come around and I would call her and say I was up for hanging out and she would say “well, I’m actually at my sister in laws now so can we do it another time” another time she would call and tell me if I’m up for it call her around noon and I would call her at 11:30 or so and tell her I’m up for it and she would say “Oh, well I didn't know if you would be up for it or not, I actually took my daughter to the park so we will have to get together another time.” Next time she would call me that morning and tell me she was going to be in my area and asked if I wanted to meet her for lunch. I would agree and she said she was going to take a nap and to call her at noon. I would call and she would say “Oh, well I’m at the mall with another friend, can we meet up another day”

Don't get me wrong, she was like this before I got sick and when we were kids where she would cancel a lot but when I got sick and she was calling me at least once a month to hang out and after two years went by and every single one she canceled out on me to hang out with another friend or go somewhere else and only two of those were because you had a doctor appointment or something and declined on your own there's a problem. I asked why she didn’t seem to want to hang out and she said “What's the point because every time I call you say you're not up for it. When I only said I wasn't up for it twice and she canceled more than 20 times in a row, having no problem telling me she was hanging out with a friend from work or someone else making plans to replace the plans she made with me so this is another struggle I have faced since getting sicker.

The people I used to think were my friends who obviously don't like me because I’m boring and can't go out and party, run around the mall for 8 hours or go to the fair and ride all the rides with them but now can only handle the low key stuff like lunch, going to watch a movie, stay here and play cards, go to one of those paint with a friend things or something low key like that and I know the fact is that they don't like these low key activities and think I’m boring to hang out with but don't want to tell me this and I truly believe they don't want to admit to themselves that they don't like me anymore since I’m now disabled so they try to push the blame on me and throw it into the pile of problems I already have lol so friendships just don't work out well for me either.

Now that we have covered inclusion with family and friends let's talk about the community. I have always said, even before I was disabled that the communities that face the most inequality and discrimination are the communities you never hear about when discrimination and inequality is brought up. The Deaf Community, the Disabled Community, the LGBTQ+ Community, the Rare Disease Community and the Invisible Illness Community are the communities who I believe have the most severe lack of inclusion, face the most discrimination, face the most prejudice, endure the most physical, verbal and emotional abuse and have the fewest rights many take for granted. Black Lives Matter has really made me realize how severe these disparities are. Being in a chair I can’t just go to a small town. If we are going on a trip to Cleveland Clinic or the University of Toledo and we are driving through a small town with a lot of small, mom and pop businesses I can't stop and shop at one of those stores. If I have to go to the bathroom they don't have a wheelchair ramp going into their building so not only can I not go into a single store but I am unwelcomed by the entire city.

With ADA being signed in 1990, 21 years later the Columbus Police Department says and I quote “ADA laws aren't real laws and shouldn't be treated as such. Our own police have left me outside on the second coldest day of the year in January when two cars parked illegally in front of both handicap curb cut ramps going down to a parking lot. Instead of enforcing these laws and punishing those who illegally parked in front of these ramps or taking the time to send an officer out to help get me and my chair off of the curb they told me it was my problem and though every building in the strip mall had closed down that it was my responsibility to sit out in the cold with pure autonomic failure and the inability maintain my body temperature indefinitely until someone came back for their car which resulted in me going into hypothermia.

With BLM coming to the surface the disabled are seen as weak and also are essentially the punishing back for the black community now just because we are seen as weak and easy targets to take their anger out on. I have been through the illegal parking issue time and time again. Another time a black man parked in front of the curb cut. My dad kindly asked him to move his vehicle and he told us we had to wait while he finished his conversation with his friend which took about 20 minutes. We were in a bad area of town and my dad and I were the minority so there wasn't much we could say or do or we would be seen as the ones who were racist. This 20 minutes was one of the scariest times of my life as a woman overheard my dad asking him if he would mind moving his vehicle so I could use the ramp. She came up to me and pointed to my dad who is a senior citizen, asking why he can't lift me up in my chair and off of the curb. This area was old and fan down so the sidewalks had been done multiple times so the curb was quite high. It was about 10 inches up from the parking lot so not a little bump I can just back off of and I was 112 lbs., sitting in a 39 lb. wheelchair with a 17 lb. service dog and I didn't understand what she was talking about because she couldn't possibly mean for him to lift all of that weight himself and put me onto the ground plus the wheels spin and even with the wheels locked the wheels will still move so you need two people to lift a person in a chair without flipping it. Anyhow, kind of confused I said “No, I don't think so”

She then went off yelling about how I'm an overly entitled white bitch who thinks she can get whatever I want handed to me on a golden platter. My family probably owned slaves and how I have a lot of nerve to ask a “N word” to move their car so I can use a ramp that belongs to the community and doesn't have my name on it. How he can park wherever he damn well pleases and white bitches like me need to be shot thanking we can get all our NEEDS met when we don't even know what needs are because they “N words” have had to go without their needs for 400 years now calling me multiple swear words and derogatory terms as well as saying multiple times that I need shot. After about 20 minutes of her in my face screaming at me during Covid and me saying please, I have a compromised immune system or I’m sorry, I just can't get to my car the guy finally said he would move his car for us to leave. It was terrifying but things like this happen all the time.

Another incident happened in Aldi near the beginning of the pandemic. The checkout line was massive and stretched ¾ way down the second isle. And there was one of those electric pallet jack things they use that can't be moved because you need a key to start them on the right side of the isle so no space to get through I just waited at the back of the line until it got past the pallet jack so I could get by which wasn't an issue because the line always moves really fast at Aldi and there were only two people with carts in line behind the pallet jack so I got in line behind the last woman in line and locked my breaks. I put my smaller service dog on my lap because the isle was really crowded and I didn't want her to get stepped on.

Next thing I knew there was a black woman coming around the corner yelling everybody move, get out of my way slamming her cart into the back of my nearly new $7000 wheelchair and $7000 smart drive so hard that she shoved me in my chair, with the wheels locked about two feet forward and my foot plate into the ankles of the woman in front of me and kept pushing her cart yelling at me to move. I was still shocked at what was happening so all I could do was say “I can’t” because of course the line ran beside the pallet jack which couldn't be moved so there was only about 4 inches between the edge of the fork of the pallet jack and everyone's cart. The woman let go of her cart and walked up to the side of my chair, grabbing my right side push rims and tires and yelled “I SAID MOVE!” and pulled up flipping me and my service dog out of my chair and onto the ground with my body hitting the shelf to my left and dragging a ton of baking products off the shelf and on top of us. A bunch of people turned around and gasped when she did this and the woman's teenage daughter embarrassingly yelled “MOM NO!” then ran up around her mom and flipped my chair upright.

I was sitting there on the ground so shocked I still didn't know if I was hurt being someone who is prone to dislocations, traumatic brain injuries and having multiple spinal cord manifestations. The woman's daughter was almost in tears from embarrassment and reached down to grab my arm to try to help get me back into my chair when her mom yelled at her to get over there The girl said “but mom” and she said “get your ass over here now” and turned around her cart to start to go around the next isle. The girl then let go of my arm, her eyes still all watery because she was about to cry, she mouthed to me “I’m sorry” and ran around to the other isle where her mom was. Of course I didn't blame her daughter. She tried to help and I felt bad for her too. She tried and proved she was different from her mom.

After they went down the other isle the woman in front of her and the woman in front of me started helping me. I was checking my service dog Maggie to make sure she wasn't hurt and she seemed fine, just had eyes as big as saucers like she was kind of in shock over the whole thing too. The lady in front of me picked Maggie up off of me and held her in one arm while both picked up all of the cake, brownie, cookie and powdered sugar laying on the floor and all over me and put it on the shelf. She then put Maggie down on the floor for a second while they both helped get me back into my chair and then the one in front of me picked Maggie up again and put her on my lap. The Lady in front of me pulled up her pants leg to look at the back of her ankle where my foot plate slammed into her and she was bleeding. I apologized and she laughed sarcastically and said “It's not your fault, trust me, you are not the one who should be apologizing for this.

The three of us started talking with the one in front of her talking about how disgusting it was that she did that to me when right then the woman who slammed the cart into the back of me came up the front of the isle yelling at everyone near the front of the line to get out of her way. She didn't physically assault any of them like she did me but she was yelling at everyone to get out of her way, shoving her way between carts to try to get things off of the shelf and throwing it into her cart. There were only two employees working that day, one ringing people up and one trying to stock all of the shelves that were being picked through faster than she could stock so I can't blame the employees either because they were grossly understaffed.

I have had so many experiences like this since Black Lives Matter took off, a lab core worker talking bad about me because I showed up without an appointment when their door and website says “Walk ins welcome” and I tried to make an appointment but the captcha was down on their website so I wasn't able to confirm that I wasn’t a robot in order to submit my appointment and purposely showed up at 11:30 am because you could see already claimed appointments and 11:00, 11:30, and 12:00 were all open appointments. To make things better, My doctor had already sent the request and I scanned it into the tablet they had there as well as scanning in pictures of my license and insurance so everything was filled out and all I needed was to pick up two plastic, half gallon jugs for a 24 hour urine test.

She was in the back calling me similar names to what the woman did at the eye center when the guy was illegally parked, bringing up slavery and how my grandparents may have been able to get away with whipping “N words” to get them to do what they wanted but I can’t, how inconsiderate I was for walking in and who did I think I was thinking I can just walk in all unannounced without an appointment. She said “I ought to slap that bitch! Girl, you gonna have to hold me back before I slap that bitch” talking to the other phlebotomist. I could hear everything she was saying after she closed the door and she went on and on, came out and asked for my paperwork so she could put it in the system, ripping it out of my hand, kept going on and on saying nasty things about me then finally came back out and nicely said “Oh, I didn't know you already put all of this in the system for me. So you’re just here to pick up the jug?” I said “Yeah, I've done one of these before so I don't need any instructions or anything, just the jugs. She went back and still talking nasty about me came back a minute later with the jugs and said nicely have a nice day but still her body language wasn't nice and you could tell her friendly voice was sarcastic.

That's when I decided to stick up for myself and stopped her before she closed the door again and said, “Did you know your walls aren’t sound proof? I heard every word you said about me while I was back there and just so you know, I tried to make an appointment before I came here. The captcha is down on your website; you know, the little thing you have to click online to prove you’re not a robot? It wasn't working so I couldn't click it to submit my appointment request but it said online and on your door that walk-ins are welcome. I saw you had empty appointments from 11-12. I didn't know if anyone else would be here since the site was down but that's why I chose to come now because I didn't think you would be busy because of Covid and all but I did try to make an appointment. Her facial dropped.

She then started kissing up to me saying “Oh sweetie, you are totally fine, that's what we're here for, come anytime you need to, she walked over to the double doors and opened the first one saying “Let me get that door for you sweetie.” pointed to the floor and said “Do you see that spot right there with no carpet? There used to be a big lip in the door right here and I personally had it removed just for people like you who are in wheelchairs so your wheels won't get stuck on it. Would you like me to get the other door for you?” I said “No, that's okay, It’s not that heavy, I’ve got it” she then said “No, no, no, I insist. I’ll hold it open for you, I’m here to serve you. She then followed me outside where my dad was parked which was awkward and said “would you like me to help you into your car?”

These are the more major examples but I’ve had more minor interactions too such as trying to buy vinyl for my Cricut maker from a black small business owner to be told “Sorry, I only buy from and sell to black people” I had a dental appointment and Medicare and Medicaid is a death sentence for those with rare diseases with only two dentists that took my insurance within a 30 mile radius. I settled for Refresh Dental in Hebron, Ohio which was quite a drive but none that took my insurance were close so I made an appointment. When I called I asked if they were ADA accessible because I’m a wheelchair user and the receptionist said yes. I then asked about Covid and the precautions they take because I’m immunocompromised. She said they are very careful, told me they wear full PPE, mask, face shield, smocks, they have updated their HVAC system and are really clean. She said none of their staff had contracted Covid so I made an appointment.

When we got there we parked at a building that looked like it was about to fall in. Termites had eaten all the way through the window ledge, and you could see the studs behind it. When I went up to the door I was relieved to see a sign saying to go to the white building behind that one, surrounded by a bunch of orange stickers which looked like condemned stickers. Their driveway was gravel and anyone who is in a chair knows, a gravel driveway isn't easy to roll on at all so though it was cold outside I was getting myself into a sweat going back to the building behind it. The first thing I saw was a staircase with about 9 steps up into the building and I was thinking uh oh. I hope they have another door. I went around the building and found another door and this one had two steps into it. It was a door with a step into it, you walked about 5 steps and stepped up another step into a second door. I called the office and no one answered.

I then called my mom who was in the car by the first building and asked her to come over there. She saw the steps and said “You’ve got to be kidding me” and went into the building to talk to them and then came back out and told me what they said. She asked the receptionist if they had a ramp or another way into the building for people in a wheelchair. The receptionist pointed to the door that my mom just came in and said “That's the door our disabled patients use” My mom told her I’m in a wheelchair and called ahead of time and was told they are ADA accessible and the receptionist said “We are ADA accessible.” My mom followed up saying “Then how can someone in a wheelchair get in here? The receptionist said “Can't she just walk in here?” My mom said “No, she’s paralyzed” The receptionist then said “Well we have other patients in wheelchairs and they just leave their wheelchair outside and walk in here. It's only two steps.” My mom then said “So, we just drove 40 minutes here and you’re not ADA accessible?” The receptionist said “Yes, we are” my mom said “but you don't have a ramp?” She said “When your daughter called she asked if we are ADA accessible. We’re ADA accessible, not wheelchair accessible.” My mom said “First of all wheelchair accessibility is part of being ADA Accessible, you don't have wheelchair access you are not ADA Accessible and second of all, she told you she was a wheelchair user so I don't know what else you could have thought she meant by ADA accessible. The receptionist said she had to go speak to another staff member. She then told my mom to have me go back up to the front building and they would bring supplies from this building and meet me over there to see me.

We went back to the first building and I had been sitting out in the cold all this time. We sat outside the building for 20 minutes waiting for someone to come unlock it. I then called their office and this time someone answered and I said “I’m really sorry for bothering you but will it be a while before anyone gets over here? The reason I’m asking is because I have Autonomic Dysfunction so cant maintain my body heat well and was wondering if it was okay if we go back out and sit in the car until someone is ready for us” She said “stay there, she should be there right now” I said okay and waited, finally about 5 minutes later someone came to the door and opened it. The concrete wheelchair ramp was so old that it had sunk about two inches into the ground so I still had to pop a wheelie and push on my wheels while my mom pushed the back of my chair to get up into the door.

When we got in there it was filthy, every surface was covered in dust, dirt, wood chips and dead bugs. It smelled like the moldy basement of my sisters 1890 house. It was so dirty that I put my service dog in my lab because I didn’t want her to sit on the floor. I could see a trail from my wheels and my mom's footprints in the coat of dirt on the floor. The receptionist brought out paperwork for me to fill out and while I did she and the hygienist were flipping breakers to turn on electricity to one of the rooms and were bringing over a laptop, air purifier and some dental tools. I could see them in the room. The hygienist took a dry paper towel and brushed the dirt off of the chair and edge of the countertop onto the floor, not using any chemicals or even moisture to clean anything. The dirt started floating around in the air which was when they brought in the air purifier to suck some of it up. She sat the dental tools straight onto the counter she had simply brushed the dirt and dead bugs off of. I watched them do all of this while I filled out my paperwork and sat in my chair waiting for my appointment. They eventually called me back, now well over an hour after my appointment time. I gave my service dog to my mom because they had to do x rays and went back.

I got in the dirty chair and the hygienist only had a mask on and nothing else. She wheeled in an old x ray machine that looked like it was jimmy rigged to a sawed off IV pole. She put the bite wings in my mouth and tried to take the image and nothing happened. She yelled at the receptionist to hit another breaker and took the first image of the tooth that was bothering me. She then pulled the bite wings out of my mouth and that's when I noticed that they were reusable bite wings and having a lot of medical knowledge I knew those cannot go into an autoclave and was horrified when I saw that they didn’t have the clear sanitary cover bags on them to prevent the spread of disease but at this point I had already had them in my mouth and the damage was done. Having no clue if I had just essentially French kissed a Covid patient while being immunocompromised myself and having a condition that so far no one with it who has contracted Covid has survived it was too late so I didn't say anything. She put it back in my mouth for another image. Once she was done she grabbed a camera made for taking pictures of the inside of the mouth. It also had no sanitary covering on it and she took pictures of my teeth and said we have to wait for the dentist to come over.

I looked around the room while waiting and it was totally empty except for the chair I was sitting in. There were no pictures on the wall, no curtains, no TV, no pedestal where the little sink you can spit in usually is and where the cleaning tools and suction hook up, no chest of drawers with toothpaste or other supplies. They didn't even have any light in the room, just a light fixture with wires hanging out of it. Just a very thick coat of dirt, dust and dead bugs everywhere and a window letting light in. When I looked at the window I noticed there was light coming in around the window where termites had eaten holes all the way through the wall around the window casing. There were brown streaks running down the wall where water had come in the holes which I was assuming explained the moldy smell because if there was water getting all the way inside through the swiss cheese termite walls then there is probably a ton of water and mold behind the walls. I I continued scanning the room while talking to the hygienist about my dry mouth and she told me she was going to give me some jell to trial for dry mouth. Soon after, the dentist came in and was very cold. He said nothing to me at all but said to the hygienist “Cavity on 15 and 16” and left totally ignoring me when I said hi. The hygienist told me to go to the front where the receptionist was to schedule a filling and a second appointment for a comprehensive dental since they refused to do them the same day or do the imaging of my whole mouth when doing the images of the one tooth.

the receptionist had brought over a laptop of her own and tried to schedule my filling for two days after I got the second Covid vaccine and I told her I didn't think that would work because I would get the vaccine less than 48 hours prior to the appointment and I didn't know if it would make me sick or how long your sick for when you get it but I know my nurse didn't feel well for about a week after hers. The receptionists said “You’ll be fine” and scheduled it anyhow making sure to tell me about their cancellation policy and fine which she should know with the vaccine I wouldn't know how it effected me until the cancellation policy had passed. She then went on to tell me that she cant get it because she has a heart problem. I told her I couldn't either at first either but not because of my heart problems but because I'm a high anaphylaxis risk but my doctor came up with a concoction of meds that we can take starting two days before the vaccine, the day of and three days after that has shown to prevent full blown anaphylactic shock in most of us. She said we would have some kind of allergic reaction and still can go into anaphylactic shock but it will reduce the chances so hopefully the allergic reaction is tolerable and we won't need to go to the hospital. So I went that route and got the vaccine at a place close to the hospital. I then said, It's too bad that more healthy people don't consider people who literally can't get a vaccine or are immunocompromised and won't get the full benefit, or any benefit at all from the vaccine before they refuse to get it. She said Actually, I can get it, I just dont think I should get it. My dad got it and my sister and I tried to tell him not to get it but he didn't listen to us and got it anyway but I guess when you're old or sick like you guys are and are going to die sooner than later anyhow you don't really have much to lose.”

I felt like she was throwing me in the grave. She then said “you know that they chop up aborted babies and put them into the vaccine right? I said “Nahh.. that's just a rumor that went viral on Facebook that was originally created by some college freshmen. There's no fetal tissue at all in the vaccine. Where the fetal tissue comes from was in the 70s and 80s two women voluntarily donated their aborted fetuses to science. No other fetuses have been used since then because they have replicated the cells over and over again. Think of cloning. They do this so they won’t need any more fetal cells. The replicated cells aren't used in the vaccine, they are used in the early states of testing potential vaccines before they even start conducting studies on animals and after the hypothesizing stage to see how human and living cells respond to benign injected with the possible vaccine to ensure it doesn't harm the cells and does what its supposed to, which not only saves money because the cells can be replicated over and over again but it also helps save animals because its a way to test the vaccine before moving on to testing on them. Of course a lot more can be found on living animals than just in cells so things can still go wrong in the animal phases but there is no aborted fetus at all in the vaccine, it's simply used as a cell to test the vaccine on.” She said Well I’m a nurse too, not just a receptionist so I would know.

I then thought this would be the perfect opportunity to change the subject and said “Oh, really, I am too. I graduated from Columbus State, where did you go to school?” She changed the subject back saying, I know a lot of nurses and none of them have gotten the vaccine. Only a few people here have gotten vaccinated and this place has been riddled with Covid. Almost all of the ladies have had it at least once and they all are okay now. How many people do you know who have gotten vaccinated? I said “When I called to make this appointment I asked about Covid because of being immunocompromised and the person I spoke to told me no one had gotten it. Why would they lie to me? She said “I don't know who you spoke with but that's not true. This place has been riddled with it” At this point I was letting what she said simmer a bit and sink in, honestly not happy at all that they had lied to me more than once at this point and about very important issues.

She then went back asking me how many nurses I knew who had gotten vaccinated. I said all of them and not even just people I graduated with my home health infusion nurse got hers but she ended up getting Covid too. Idk if you saw on the news about the senior husband and wife that got Covid and the nurse arranged for them to be put in a room together and they died within minutes of each other? Well the nurse who set that up, her name is Mariah and I went to high school with her. Just a fun fact I guess.” She said “Well did she get vaccinated? I said “yeah and right then the hygienist came back with the dry mouth gel so I cut the conversation off and said I needed to go because my mom was out in the car. I couldn’t believe they had a halfway decent office for their able bodied patient but put their patients in chairs into a filthy, condemned building that is moldy and about to fall in from termite damage. If that's not discrimination, I don't know what is. and to top things off, I put the dry mouth jell into my mouth and it tasted awful. I looked at the expiration date and they had just given me and it had expired over a year prior. I saw another dentist and also found out that I never had a cavity at all and my wisdom tooth was coming in.

I do not feel included when it comes to my extended family, friends, community or country. Most things labeled handicap accessible aren't including the Franklin County Social Security Office which slaps a handicap sign on their bathroom stall which the door is so narrow that my tiny wheelchair for my 112 lb. self rubbed the edges of the door trying to get into it, not meeting the 32” door clearance standards listed in the ADA laws nor did it meet the minimum 5’x5’ size limit in order to be ADA accessible so most people in chairs cant use it at all and even those with tiny wheelchairs like mine cannot get their char in far enough to close the door so are forced to use the bathroom with the door open, on their period while people walk past and see everything. It’s disgusting that we live in a society where people in wheelchairs, even if they can hold their bladders are forced to wear adult diapers or map out every public facility, only going to ones they know are accessible enough because here in the US we are so welcomed and marginalized that we don't even have access to about half of the businesses in the US let alone a bathroom that everyone else in the world who is not a wheelchair user takes for granted and when we are lucky enough to find a palace that has a toilet we can use, it's always the filthiest ones, the ones that able bodied people use as their private pooping palace believing that just because it’s two or three feet wider that extra three feet will make their fart inaudible.

This is a country where an able bodied person can buy a new car for $16,000 and a used one for sometimes less than 2 grand but if you’re disabled your new accessible vehicle costs around $75,000, a used… well many states you can’t insure a van that is more than 5 years old and cannot convert one more than 4 years old and it has to be less than $50,000 miles and fit a bunch of other criteria so used isn't much less. We live in a country where you are not allowed to pay an able bodied worker less than minimum wage yet SSDI comes out to $2.60 less than minimum wage and employers are allowed to pay disabled workers less than minimum wage. We live in a country where ADA laws were passed but police officers don't have to enforce any of these laws. Here in the US they have schools for girls only, boys only, black only, deaf and blind but no special schools for children with physical or developmental disabilities, just life skills training for adults so education is still not equal. A country where if the Black or Asian Americans are brutalized by the police or community members and it is broadcasted on the news even though more than 70 percent of police brutalities in fact occur to those who have physical, psychological or developmental disabilities but this is never mentioned even if the person fits into two minority groups.

This is a country where if you have a service animal that you rely on you still don’t have the freedom of religion because a church can legally turn away a service animal. A country where if you are a drug addict you can get 50 mg of low dose naltrexone free and go to suboxone clinics free of charge but if you are a chronic pain patient you have to pay over 300 for 2 mg of naltrexone to control your pain and stay off of opioids which are oftentimes the only things covered on Medicare but also the same medications being cracked down on not by people who need them for chronic pain but by addicts in turn putting limits on opioids so drug addicts can live and chronic pain patients who are in so much pain they have seizures and go into organ failure to live in agony and possibly even eventually die weather it be suicide because they cant stand the pain or from organ failure that results from the pain.

A country where doctors are taught “if you hear hoof prints on the ground think horses not zebras'' meaning when a patient presents with a symptom consider common conditions that can be associated with these symptoms not rare diseases allowing doctors to abuse and neglect patients and slap psychological diagnoses on them so they don't have to jump into the rare disease realm of medicine or even learn about it in school. This results in more than 250,000 deaths each year from medical neglect alone and that's not even the people like my mom who wake up on life support to find out days of their lives have passed and they are now living with permanent disability. A country where there are still states like ohio where you cannot sue for medical abuse and neglect unless someone died or comes out essentially a vegetable and if this results in disability where you are in a wheelchair or have limited cognitive impairment but can still speak and think to some degree, yet still resulting in permanent disability, it's just too bad, so sad for you because sure you went in for a simple gallbladder removal and came out needing the blood in your body replaced 4 times, going into exploratory surgery with a 5 percent chance of survival, split from your breast to your pelvic bone to have all of your organs removed, your liver repaired which fell apart multiple times in the process of trying to sew back together your liver the other doctor cut open and tried to hide for 9 hours while you bleed to death, sure you came out on life support after being deemed legally dead multiple times and had four brain aneurysms because of this trauma, which resulted in cognitive impairment, missed months of work only to get laid off, now deal with chronic pain, fatigue and weakness for the rest of your life and will never be able function like you once did ever again but you didn't die and you're not cognitively impaired enough so that's on you, the doctor on the other hand can keep operating on people as if nothing ever happened.

America is where people on Welfare, who are poor and in many cases don't want to work, make more money and get more financial benefits than someone on SSDI who is disabled and literally can't work. A country where people on Medicaid who are poor get better healthcare than the sick and elderly on Medicaid and if you qualify for both Medicare and Medicaid you might as well forget it because your insurance isn't much better than having no insurance at all regardless as to what special programs you fit into, where the Medicare formulary trumps the Medicaid formulary and if Medicaid for the poor covers a service but Medicare doesn’t, what Medicare says, goes and you simply don't get coverage for your needs. A country where a president cuts funding to the Orphan Drug Tax Credit, oftentimes the only funding that most rare diseases have to study possible treatments for these diseases while cutting taxes multi billion dollar industries have to pay in taxes such as his hotels and golf courses and every time they send out a relief check during Covid they make up for it by cutting funding to either schools or Medicare, particularly Medicare recipients with rare diseases, removing them from the formulary and allowing them to die to pay for these checks, hitting those with rare diseases because they are just that rare, meaning less people to complain so it's less likely there will be large riots for these people. This essentially reversed the act put in place ensuring those with preexisting conditions can get insurance leaving us so underinsured that many will likely die because they cannot get their medical care covered and can't afford it.

A place where those with disabilities are still not accepted, ADA is not yet being utilized in many areas or even seen as real or legitimate leaving us to be isolated from all aspects of our lives. We have very few rights, access, equality or inclusion more than 20 years after the signing of ADA into law. This leaves a lot of people like me to live lonely lives where we have no chance to succeed or in some cases such as those issues related to Medicare, not even a chance to live. By law an insurance company cannot deny you insurance based on pre-existing conditions however they can deny you coverage of the vital care you need once issuing you a card leaving insurance virtually useless with many rare diseases making survival of the fittest a terrifying reality. Welcome to America. The home of land of the free and home of the brave.

#MyEDSChallenge #MyHSDChallenge

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