#i wish i had a better idea on what job i could apply for or what would make me more happy

[pears-trinkets]

.

[stillmonsterz]

brave it together

pairing: jay x reader, jake x reader genre: smut, angst, slight humor summary: ever since you started your first year at sadame university three months ago, jay has been bothering you. you try to keep your head bowed down, but you're finding it harder and harder to keep to yourself. an approaching storm, a party, and your job at the university's library inadvertently lead to you being entangled in the clandestine world of the karma club. you're starting to discover that there's more to jay, and more to yourself, than you could have imagined. contains: unprotected sex, rape, noncon, drug usage, alcohol mention, manipulation, suicide, murder, death threats, infidelity, exhibitionism, physical violence, piss. word count: 24.6k

taglist: @moon7jay @ui11iane @belowbun

Sometimes you wished you could be someone else. You wished you could have been like the other girls at your university, the ones that crowd in groups, that go to the bathroom together to make sure that they’re all safe. Girls that talk about everything with each other, who share common interests and talk to each other about their own interests. Friends who would listen.

You wished that you could know what to say. You wished that you knew the right way to act, to speak, the right way to think to make people care. You wished you didn’t repel others.

You only wished for this sometimes. 

You’re stocking the shelves of the university’s library. It’s an easy campus job, one that pays decently. You’re here on a partial scholarship, so you tried to save money however you could. The library was one of the reasons why you applied here in the first place; it was well-stocked, had vaulted ceilings in the main room, and, to your delight, had physical copies of rare books. 

 All you wished for right now was for the day to end so you could go home, watch an awful 60s giallo with vibrant paint for blood and eye candy to ogle, and avoid an encounter from Jay. You weren’t in the mood today.

Isa, a girl two years above yours, pushed the metal cart replete with books and occasionally pointed out where they should go. She had been doing this since last year, so she had a far better idea of you about the layout of the library.

You crouched down to the carpeted floor, scouring the bottom-most shelf for the appropriate spot.  “Next to the copy of ‘Neuroscience for Dummies’,” Isa said idly, pointing with a well-manicured finger. Isa was red-headed and gorgeous, and had an impeccable sense of fashion; she was wearing a white cashmere sweater with a thick, plaid skirt, knee-high black socks, and leather shoes. On top of that, she was intelligent, friendly, and incredibly personable. You wondered why she wouldn’t go somewhere else and leave the library to losers such as yourself. 

“Thanks,” you muttered, placing the book in its proper place.

“You know,” Isa began. You lifted your head up to meet her eyes, which were sparkling with a mischievous glint. “You’d look pretty with some makeup.”

You blinked, uncertain of how to respond. “I’m not pretty right now?”

Isa waved her hands contritely and shook her head. “No, no, not at all. I mean, you are pretty, it’s just…you’d look even better with makeup.”

“Oh…” Grasping for another book, you avoided Isa’s gaze. Not only did you not believe her, but you wondered why she was telling you this. She was probably just messing with you. Even a saint would take one look at you and tell you to kill yourself. For whatever reason, people seemed to dislike you, as though you emitted a repelling odor. “Look better?”

“Yeah,” Isa said cheerfully. “If you look better, you’ll feel better, too.” 

“Maybe,” you said, shoving another book onto the shelf. 

“Seriously,” Isa continued, and you wished she would just drop it. “You could probably pull a Karma Club member if you tried.”

Now she was definitely just fucking with you. She of all people should know that guys like that would have very little interest in you; Isa was popular, and you had seen her and her friends hanging around some of the KC members. Whenever you saw her and Jay in the same place, you’d walk the other way. Thankfully, Jay tended to spare you the humiliation of being mocked in front of others. He preferred to do it when no one was looking. “I’d rather not,” you replied, feeling around for another book from the cart. Isa handed you one, and you shuffled away to shelve it.

“Aw, why not?”

“They’re…weird,” you said simply. 

“They’re not all bad,” Isa said, and you slowly turned your head to glance up at her. Isa’s face was sheepish, and she was toying with her bracelet. Jesus. She liked one of them? Having a crush on a Karma Club member was practically a form of hybristophilia. You wondered which one she liked. Probably Jake, the nice one. 

Isa started to speak again, but some male student came up to her. “The printer’s busted again,” he said with an eye roll. 

“Annoying,” Isa muttered. “I’ll be back. Try not to have too much fun without me.” You gave her a curt nod and she gave you a thumbs-up before scampering off to save the day. You watched her retreating figure, then looked down at your hands. 

You reached up to grab another book from the cart, but someone’s hand rested on yours. First, your eyes traced the shoes (balenciaga sneakers) then up to his jeans (Levi’s, black, distressed), his Joy Division t-shirt, and finally, reluctantly, they settled on his face. Penetrating dark eyes framed by thick eyebrows, one of which was adorned by a silver eyebrow piercing looked down at you. His lips were fixed into their habitual crooked smirk. The heady scent of Tom Ford wafted from his body. 

“Yeah, you could be really pretty,” Jay said, batting his eyelashes. He grabbed your hand and jerked you upright, your chest hitting the metal cart as you staggered to your feet. “You could be a model, honestly.”

As always, you just stared at Jay blankly. What else could you do? The idea of begging him to stop or making some quippy little remark just made you cringe at yourself. Jay dropped your arm and walked behind you, rubbing your shoulders with a strong grip. You managed to avoid flinching, something you considered a small victory.

“Don’t know why Isa lied to you,” Jay whispered into your ear. “If you put lipstick on a pig, it’s still a pig. If you put some makeup on a prude, it’s still a frigid little bitch, wouldn’t you say?”

Clenched teeth, pursed lips, fixed gaze. That was how you dealt with Jay. You stared at the books directly in front of you, rearranging them in your head by height. 

Jay made a low noise at the back of his throat. “You know,” he began, and his thumbs dug into your shoulder blades, “I’m getting really sick of this mute shit. I know you can talk, prude. Say it. Say that you’re a bitch.” 

The Secret History of the Moon Landing is the tallest, from your direct line of sight. You could put it with Mars and its Mysteries: The Red Planet Uncovered, and then Pluto as a Planet. 

Jay’s fingers clenched around your shoulders painfully. “I told you to talk. Come on.”

You and Jay were obscured by the tall bookshelf in front of you, so when Isa’s sleek oxfords came into view, Jay slid his arms around your neck in what could be mistaken for an embrace. “Hey, Isa,” Jay said amicably, his chin resting on your shoulder. You finally looked away from the shelf.

“Hi, Jay,” Isa said, stopping just beside the book cart. Her gaze flicked from you to Jay to Jay’s arms around you. “I didn’t know you two knew each other.”

“Nah, her and I go way back,” Jay said, and you didn’t have to look at him to know that he had a shit-eating grin plastered on his face. “Been taking care of her since she got to Sad.” The school’s name was Sadame University, but everyone just called it Sad U or just Sad. 

Isa’s eyes kept flashing between you and Jay, and the genuine smile she normally wore had been replaced by a far less sanguine expression. “Oh, wow,” she said softly, fiddling with her charm bracelet again. 

Jay nodded, his black hair tickling your chin. “Mhm. I was just inviting her to come to the KC party with me, but she doesn’t want to come.” He tilted your chin towards him, so that you were forced to look at him. “You should go out more,” he said lightly, but his eyes betrayed him. 

You didn’t say a word. 

His hand dropped back down to your shoulder. “Doesn’t go out and doesn’t talk. How do you put up with her?” Jay’s voice was jovial, almost like you were really friends. 

Isa laughed, almost too enthusiastically. “I know, right? These are the best years of our life, you know? Can’t waste ‘em inside all the time.” Does she seriously believe that shit? 

“Yeah, you should listen to your cute friend more often,” Jay said, shaking you once before clapping you on the back and letting go of you. He nodded at Isa, who was preening in front of Jay. “You should come to the party, Isa. The storm party on Friday, at Yeonjun’s. You know where his place is?”

“No, I don’t,” Isa said, tilting her head. Her glossy lips were pursed, and she admittedly looked really cute. If you didn’t know what kind of person Jay really was, you would think that they would make a good couple based on looks alone. Studious and playful Isa with pierced, crude Jay.  A bunny with a wolf. 

“I’ll take you,” Jay said, striding towards her. “You got my number?” 

“I have your Snap, I think.”

They exchanged numbers. You went back to stocking books. 

After a lengthy conversation that you had tuned out, you felt Jay ruffle your hair. “See you around, prude,” he whispered before walking away. His hands were shoved in his pockets. 

Isa stared after him before turning to you and biting her lip. “I didn’t know you knew Jay,” Isa said, her tone playfully accusatory. “You sly vixen.”

“You know him?”

Isa paused. “You could say that. He’s cute.”

“I didn’t know he was your type,” you said simply. “I thought you’d be into, uh, Jake.”

Isa snorted. “Nah, didn’t you hear?”

“No, what?”

Isa giggled before leaning in, as though she was telling a trade secret. “I heard that Jake is kind of a dick.”

– 

You had become disillusioned with the Karma Club mere hours into your first day at Sadame University. During an idle walk around the campus after your first class, you had ended up near a warehouse next to the facility where the sporting equipment was kept. There, you had seen a tanned, lean man standing in front of an equally tall person who was caged against the wall of the warehouse. You lingered in the parking lot facing the warehouse, hiding yourself behind one of the staff’s pick-up trucks. 

The tanned one, clad in all black, was goading the other one. A third person, an almost eerily-pale man wearing a brown blazer with a turtleneck and black slacks, was watching from a safe distance. 

“Go on,” the one in all black said. “Hit me. Unless you’re too pussy.”

Finally, the one pressed against the wall landed a feeble punch on his assailant’s cheek. The two other men looked at each other before bursting out into laughter. 

“At least pretend to be hurt, Jay,” the pale one had said, clapping his friend on the back. “You’re making him look bad.”

“You’re right,” Jay had said, clearing his throat. He pretended to be blown backwards, and his friend laughed even harder. Jay righted himself. You couldn’t see his face from this angle, but his body language seemed so tense, reminiscent of a dog with raised hackles. The guy who had thrown the punch at Jay looked confused and embarrassed, almost meek.

“Hey. You hit me first,” Jay had said. “Didn’t he, Sunghoon?”

“He did,” Sunghoon had said, nodding sagely. “He…I think he bruised you, Jay.”

“Bruised me,” Jay said, cracking his knuckles. “So this is a fight now.” With that, Jay had released an onslaught of punches onto the guy’s body. You were a fair distance away from the fight, if you could call it that, but you could still hear the thump of skin on skin. As Jay continued to wail on him, the guy slowly crumpled to his feet and shielded himself from the hits, covering his face with his arms. Sunghoon just watched, still laughing to himself. 

Jay had spit on the dirt. He had said something you couldn’t hear before digging his hands into his pockets. As he surveyed the school grounds, maybe for witnesses, his eyes landed directly on you. You stared back at him, your stomach dropping. You really hadn’t wanted to be involved in whatever hazing ritual this was. You hid yourself behind the truck again, to no avail. Jay stalked towards you, putting his hand up so that Sunghoon wouldn’t follow. 

You leaned against the trunk of the pick-up truck, and Jay stood in front of you. He assessed you for a nearly unbearably long time, taking in your appearance from your toes to your head. He crossed his arms and caught your gaze. An unexpected smile graced his lips, revealing a deep dimple on his cheek. He was unmistakably handsome. 

“Hey. No need to be scared. That was just something between friends,” Jay had said, his voice devoid of the haughtiness you’d heard earlier.  “We were just playing.”

You nodded, your hands clutching the straps of your backpack. Like you were a kid. 

Jay had frowned, scratching the back of his head. Then he stuck his hand out, regaining his smile. “I’m Jay, Jay Park. I’m a business major. Third year.”

You could see where his knuckles had split because of how hard he had hit that guy, and you were so captured by the sight that you didn’t shake his hand or talk. It wasn’t an uncommon occurrence. Sometimes you just forgot to talk. 

“Hey,” Jay said, and your eyes flickered back up to his face. HIs smile had completely disappeared, and you wondered if it had been very difficult for him to maintain a veneer of civility. “Don’t be rude. What’s your name?” 

You told him your name, withholding your major. 

“Never heard of you,” he had said with a sniff, withdrawing his hand. “Are you new?”

You nodded again. 

“Jesus.” Jay stepped closer to you, and somehow the frustration dripping from his voice and painted on his face was familiar. “Do you talk?”

“If I know someone,” you said.

Jay had laughed mirthlessly. “Aren’t you special? ‘I’m too good to talk to other people, I’m so mysterious, look at me!’ Anyone ever tell you that that shit isn’t cute?”

Plenty of times, you had thought. Instead of saying that, you just shrugged. 

“Fucking weirdo,” Jay had muttered. “Look, don’t say anything to anyone about this, okay? Or else I’ll…”

“Or else what?”

Jay scoffed and slammed one hand next to your head, his rings scraping the exterior truck. His face had craned towards your own, and his eyes flickered with a cold, sadistic gleam. “Or else…” Jay had leaned in towards your ear, whispering, “Or else I’ll do something really, really bad.”

With that, he hit the truck once more for good measure and strode away. His friend Sunghoon had followed behind him, casting a withering glance at you as he crossed the parking lot. 

You didn’t look back at the person Jay had beat up. You just walked to your next lecture hall, sat down, and tried to focus.

You hadn’t known it then, but that had been your first encounter with two of the members of the Karma Club. Through sheer social osmosis over the past three months, you had learnt about them - more than you had ever wanted to, really. The Karma Club was an exclusive society that had been founded at Sadame some time in the 60s. The idea was to round up the richest, most powerful students -or, alternatively, the students who wanted to have a “lot of fucking fun”- and give them carte blanche to do whatever they wanted.

 Students is a broad term for them. There’s never been a female member of Karma Club to date. The closest a woman could get to being punched is to date one of the members, although you don’t see why anyone would want that. They’re attractive, sure, but between the stories you’ve heard, the things you’ve seen, and what you’ve experienced, you’d rather toss yourself off of the roof than date a member of that stupid fucking club. 

There were seven members: Heeseung Lee, Sunghoon Park, Jake Sim, Sunoo Kim, Jungwon Yang, Nishimura Riki, and Jay Park. Generally, people either tried to avoid the members, or they did everything they could to get their attention. Apparently last year Sunoo had gotten pissed off at the Sad U cheerleading team and put laxatives in their pre-game protein shakes, but they all showed up to his birthday party the following month anyways. There was another rumour, that Heeseung had vandalized the interior of an upscale restaurant in the city because his girlfriend didn’t like the hors d’oeuvres. 

You figured that Jay Park fit squarely into the “richest and most powerful” student category, because you had never witnessed him have fun, at least in the traditional sense. When he smiled, it was generally because someone else was in pain. The only smile you’d seen him wear was that self-satisfied smirk.

At any rate, there it was. Your first introduction to the Karma Club, your first meeting with Jay, and the last time a man had voluntarily spoken to you at school. Go figure.

– 

After your unfortunate encounter with Jay in the library, you needed a pick-me-up, and fast. You made a beeline for the smoothie shop in the Stopkewich dorms. Your university had four colleges: Stopkewich, where the liberal arts majors tended to stay, Fawcett, where most of the dorm parties took place, Nakashima, the unofficial home of the STEM majors, and Stoker college, where the most affluent students lived. It was there that the Karma Club resided, in a tall, red brick building surrounded by oak trees marked by a large, multi-tiered fountain. 

Stopkewich was more conservative, a simple light brick college with a stone path leading into one of the entrances. Groups of people milled about under copses of trees or rested on the plush, well-maintained grass. It was a dreary day, but the weather was mild. As you walked through the door, you wished that you had chosen this college instead. You had decided to be practical and chose the college whose classes were closest to your own dorm, so you had chosen Fawcett. Without any knowledge of the intricate culture behind the colleges, you had ended up in the loudest one. Worse yet, you couldn’t switch out of it. 

Every college had their own restaurants. Stopkewich’s smoothie shop was situated right next to their vegan and gluten-free place, staffed by two enthusiastic, perky goths. To your delight, your favourite worker was there, refilling the bucket of biodegradable straws. 

“Hi, Lily,” you said, walking to the counter. A girl with pink hair, large eyes, and a wide smile turned to look at you.

“Hey,” she said brightly. “You want to try my newest concoction?”

“Sure, what is it?”

“It’s going to be passionfruit, mango, strawberry…”

You shrugged. “Sounds standard so far.”

“And maca root,” she added, holding up a tuberous plant with a wicked grin.

“Isn’t that…doesn’t that boost fertility?” you asked suspiciously.

Lily pulled out a bamboo cutting board and started chopping the root into tiny pieces. “No clue. I bought it because it sounded like macaroon. They never should have let my goofy ass buy the ingredients.”

“I see.”

Lily tossed the root into the blender and started heaping fruits inside of it. “Have you heard about that storm that’s coming?”

You sat down on one of the bright red stools while you waited. “No.”

“It’s supposed to be bad,” she said, turning on the blender. She raised her voice so she could be heard over the noise. “They’re saying we might lose power.”

“When?” you yelled.

“This Friday.” Lily turned off the blender and poured the smoothie into a glass jar. If you brought ten glass jars to the smoothie shop, they’d give you a free smoothie. You were gunning for a free smoothie by the end of the week. 

You paid for the drink with your campus card and took a sip. “Well?” she asked expectantly, leaning over the counter. 

“It’s good,” you said, staring down at the vibrantly-coloured smoothie. “Can’t even taste the fertility.”

“Another win for me,” she said, wiping down the counter. 

“Thanks, Lily.”

Lily shot a finger gun at you and winked. “That’s what I’m here for.”

You continued to drink your smoothie, swinging your feet as you sat on the colourful stool. Normally, you didn’t like to linger in public spaces, but Jay never came to Stopkewich. Lily was so calm and friendly, and she didn’t pressure you to talk, so you weren’t in a rush to leave.

“You know, you’re my favourite customer,” Lily said. 

You smiled softly. “Really?”

“Mhm. The other day, one of those stupid Kum Club members came here and asked for something that wasn’t on the menu. I said I don’t do remix smoothies, and he got so mad.”

You didn’t have trouble picturing which one that could be. 

“Those guys are freaks,” Lily said, wiping her hands on her apron. “I swear I remember hearing that they tried to straight up murder someone in the bathroom over something silly.”

“That sounds a little far-fetched.” Jay was a dick, but you couldn’t imagine him killing someone in cold blood.

Lily pointed at you. “You’ve only been here for a few months, so you don’t know. The Karma Club is far-fetched. That’s how they get away with it.”

–

It was always a bit bittersweet, leaving Stopkewich. Here, you almost blended in. There were quite a few moody girls who dressed in long skirts and baggy sweaters, who kept their heads low and wore bulky over-ear headphones. They milled about, smoking joints wrapped with rose petals and sage, sitting in corners drawing. 

The short trek to Fawcett gave way to girls wearing trendy, cute crop tops with curve-fitting jeans and guys wearing the ugliest fucking outfits imaginable. You wondered what the point of being cute was when all you had to show for it were idiots wearing Nike techs? 

Navigating the halls of your college was always a task. Somehow, there was always a throng of people cluttering the halls. Isa lived in this college too, and would wave every time she saw you. Thankfully, you didn’t see her today, so you could safely slip inside of your dorm room. 

You threw yourself onto your bed and sighed deeply, allowing yourself to decompress. Soon, you would do your homework, blasting music to drown out the noises of young adult debauchery. Then, like every other night when the weather was good, you would sneak over to the library, use the entrance to the roof located on the third floor, and sit on the roof and smoke. It was one of your few acts of rebellion, although you doubted that willingly poisoning yourself could be considered an act of rebellion against anything besides good health. 

For now, you rested. 

–

The next day was more of the same. Long, tiresome classes, stint at the library, brief reprieve with Lily, then to your dorm room. Strangely enough, Jay hadn’t spoken to you. Over the past three months, you had grown accustomed to at least a “prude bitch” being tossed at you, or even more.

He had been getting worse. Lately, just like yesterday, he’s been touching you. You don’t know how you feel about it, nor do you know why his behavior has been escalating. 

When you walked into Fawcett again and headed left to get to your dorm room, you saw Jay and Jake Sim hovering near a bulletin-board. You’d be lying if you didn’t find Jake a little cute, despite the unsavoury things you had heard about him. He had tousled, dark brown hair and a wide smile. He was wearing the navy blue Sad U sweatshirt with a baggy pair of grey sweatpants. Seeing Jay standing next to him with a scowl on his face ruined the picture, however. 

“He’s always fucking late,” you heard Jay mutter. You figured that he was talking about Anton, one of the only Karma Club affiliates you knew that didn’t live in Stoker. He was rich enough, popular enough, and snarky enough, but maybe being around the Karma Club that often would drive you insane. Jay had accosted you a few times while he was waiting for Anton, but he had never had Jake in tow. In fact, you rarely saw Jake and Jay hang out. 

This didn’t concern you. You were about to turn on your heels and head back outside when you heard Jay call your name mockingly. When you looked up, he was beckoning you with his fingers lazily. 

That little motion pissed you off, so you decided to leave, clutching your little glass jar. As soon as you opened the heavy wooden doors, you felt hands grab you back. Jay was sneering at you. “Mute and blind, huh?” His grip on your sweater tightened. “You’re like a less fuckable Helen Keller.”

“Jesus.” Jake had sidled over to Jay and was looking at him with annoyance. “Leave her alone, Jay. Hasn’t it gotten old by now?”

Jay let go of your sweater, but his eyes still smoldered. “Didn’t see you wearing a cape.”

Jake crossed his arms. “Huh?”

“Look,” Jay said, shoving his bejeweled hands into his pockets, “I just didn’t know you still liked to stick your dick in crazy. That’s cool. I actually have a few exes you could hit u-,”

“I don’t have to want to fuck a girl to know when you’re being shitty to her for no reason,” Jake said, and his eyes rested on your face. You hated how gentle his gaze was. You couldn’t trust it. 

Jay developed a sly little smirk. “So you don’t want to fuck her?”

“No way,” Jake said hastily.  His gaze snapped to your face and he laughed nervously, scratching the nape of his neck. “I mean, you know, not in like, a bad way, just that, like…”

You’d rather have Jay call you a frigid whore for ten hours than hear anymore of this. When you tried to push past Jay to go to your dorm room, he grabbed your shoulders so harshly that the glass jar in your hand went flying. It shattered on the floor in the middle of the hallway, and bright red splatters of smoothie splattered onto the walls like a crude Jackson Pollock painting. 

You heard laughter behind you, and you pulled yourself away from Jay. He let you go, surprisingly. Sinking to your knees, you used your bare hands to pluck the worst shards of glass from the linoleum. “Leave it,” a voice whispered, and when you turned you saw Jake shaking his head. “Someone else will clean it up. It wasn’t your fault.”

“Someone might step on the glass,” you said quietly, still crouched on the floor. 

“Oh, boo-hoo, someone might step on the glass,” Jay said derisively. 

“Fuck’s sake, shut up,” Jake muttered. He gently pulled the glass out of your hands and set it on the floor. “I’ll go get a janitor, okay?”

“What do you want?” you whispered.

Jake scrunched his nose in confusion. “What?”

You shook your head. “Never mind.” 

“Hey,” Jake said softly. Belatedly, you realized that he had crouched to your level. “Tomorrow, Jay said he’s gonna visit Isa at the library. Do you want me to come along, to be kind of a buffer? I know he’s a dick to you.”

“Do whatever you want.” 

Jake just chuckled. “You’re not the friendliest, are you?”

You shrugged.

“I probably deserve it,” Jake said with a smile so good-natured, you almost smiled too. Thankfully, you caught a hold of yourself and stood upright. This wasn’t the first time that Jake had extended a modicum of kindness towards you. Two weeks ago, when Jay had “accidentally” spilled his energy drink all over your sweater, Jake had fished money out of his pocket and tucked it into your hand before catching up to Jay. Since then, Jake had been hanging around Jay more than Sunghoon did. You figured that Sunghoon was busy, or maybe they didn’t like each other anymore. Who knew? Who cared?

Jay sniffed. “So what?” he said, looking you up and down. “You only pull the selective mutism shit with me? I’m really hurt.”

You fought the urge to roll your eyes and walked away with your head bent, so you didn’t have to see the people who were invariably staring at you. Normally, Jay didn’t bother you in front of other people, just in crowded hallways, when he caught you going in-between classes, or in the library. 

As you were doing your schoolwork, a question began to form in your head, making itself wide, unavoidable, and encompassing. Why didn’t Jay just meet Isa in her dorm tomorrow? Why go to the library when she’ll be busy? He couldn’t even harass you in front of her, or at least as overtly as he normally did, so what was the point? 

That was always the question with Jay: what was the point?

–

After your classes on Wednesday was your job at the library. As you walked over to the main desk to check your tasks for the day, you spotted Jake, Jay, and Isa all talking. So Jake had shown up anyways. They were huddled by the desk, as though they were all co-conspirators. You noticed that Isa was wearing a black pleated skirt with a baggy t-shirt, a stark difference from her usual, more preppy style. As you approached, Isa turned to you and smiled.

“Hey,” she said, waving you towards her. You walked over to the desk, where she made a space for you to stand. You awkwardly positioned yourself between Isa and Jake, trying to avoid Jay’s eyes. “Let’s see. Today, we’re on shelving duty, we have to catalogue the newest shipment of books-,” Isa nodded at a sizable stack of pristine books, “and we have to load them into the online filing system.”

You nodded your understanding and grabbed the book list from the top of the book pile. 

“Hey,” Jake said. He grinned at you, his shaggy hair getting in his eyes. He flicked it out with the casual, unselfconscious ease of a surfer who had spent all morning riding waves. 

“Hi,” you said quietly. Jay was being unusually quiet, his arm slung around Isa’s shoulders. He looked directly at her, ignoring you for once. How lovely.

“So, uh…” Jake scratched the nape of his neck again. “ Yesterday, I noticed you had that smoothie…looked pretty good.”

“It was,” you replied, and Jake laughed a little. 

“Where’d you get it from? There aren’t any smoothie places on campus.”

“There is,” you said, pointing west. “Stopkewich has one.”

“Oh, damn. I had no clue. I don’t really go to Stopkewich that much.”

“You should go sometime,” Jay piped up, his voice as arrogant and snarky as usual. “There’s plenty of girls with daddy issues who’d let you do all sorts of weird, depraved shit to them.”

“You would know,” Jake retorted, and you couldn’t help but smile. 

Isa gasped. “Oh, wow. Jake, she’s actually smiling.” When the grin dropped off of your face, Isa pouted. “Aw, no. Your smile was actually so pretty. Wasn’t it, Jay?”

Jay looked at you and pursed his lips. “Yours is prettier, Isa,” he said, staring directly at you. You felt something stir in you, some foreign emotion, but you weren’t entirely sure what it was.

Isa smacked Jay playfully on his chest. “Don’t pit us girls against each other,” she said, flicking her hair over her shoulder. “I’m a girl’s girl, you know.”

You turned away from them and started to go around the desk. “I’ll start loading these into the computer now,” you said quietly. 

Jake reached out and grabbed your wrist. “Hey, wait,” he said, lowering his voice. “Did you want an invite to the party on Friday? The one at Yeonjun’s?”

You stared at his hand. “Why would I want one?”

Jake hesitated before letting go of you, shoving his hand into his pocket.  “I dunno. So you can go and maybe have fun?”

“She doesn’t have fun,” Jay said. So much venom leaked into his voice that even Isa looked caught off guard. His eyes were still trained on you. “She just sits inside all the time, doing her homework, knitting scarves, listening to fucking Mazzy Star.”

“What’s wrong with Mazzy Star?” Isa asked.

“Whiny, plebeian indie shit,” Jay said disdainfully, picking up one of the books on the desk with his spare hand before setting it down.

Isa pouted again. “I like Mazzy Star.”

Jay didn’t even look at her. “Great.”

Jake turned back to look at you. “Just think about it, okay? I can give you a formal invite. I know you aren’t the party type. I’m not really, either. Haven’t been for a while.”

You hesitated before saying, “I’ll think about it.” You turned your back to them and set about cataloging the new books, hefting the pile in your arms. You didn’t have to look behind you to know that Jay’s gaze was burning a hole in your back.

–

Later that night, you received a text from Isa as you lounged in bed knitting. Normally, you two only corresponded to discuss your job, so this was a surprise. You set down your needle and yarn and unlocked your phone. 

“could u come to the library rq?” she had texted. It reeked. What could possibly be happening there that would require your presence. As you were putting your phone back down, you got another text. 

“it’s jay” followed by “he’s acting really weird rn…”

Right. Isa thought that you and Jay were somehow friends, and she was probably too shy to ask Jake for help. So her boyfriend finally reared his ugly head, and now she was calling on you for help. Clearly, she couldn’t be in that much trouble if she could text you.

You shrugged a jacket over your nightgown, tugged your shoes on, pocketed a Swiss Army knife, and headed outside. You had no intentions of hurting anyone, but it made you feel sort of cool.

It was raining heavily, a prelude to the oncoming storm. You ran across campus with your hood up and headed to the library. It was its own building, nearly as big as one of the dorm buildings, which is why stocking the shelves was a two-person job. You pulled your keys from your pocket, opened the doors, and stepped inside.

Your shoes squelched on the welcome mat, so you took them off along with your wet socks. Isa hadn’t said what part of the library she was in. It was a tall, distinguished three story building - one floor for non-fiction books, one floor for fiction, and one floor with a little student-run cafe and a sprawling arrangement of tables and computers. You didn’t text her, in case she had covertly sent the message. She might actually be in trouble, and then where would you be? 

Your Swiss Army knife burnt a hole into your pocket as you walked around the dark library. The rain drummed on the windows, making it difficult to hear anything. The only light came from the moonlight streaming through the skylight and the lamps affixed to every wall that turned on automatically after 8 pm. 

Soon, you heard a strange noise coming from one of the aisles. Straining over the pitter-patter echoing from outside, you followed the noise to the back of the library.

You shoved your hand into your pocket and approached cautiously, moving lightly so as not to alert Jay. When you approached the aisle from whence the noise originated, you only peeked your head. You were promptly greeted with the sight of Isa and Jay, but not in any way you could have imagined.

Isa was on her knees, her head in between Jay’s legs. His pants pooled around his ankles, and his long, thin fingers were threaded through her red hair. The silver rings adorning his hands caught the moonlight and reflected it, so it looked like glittering teardrops through her long locks. Jay lazily bobbed her head back and forth, controlling the pace. The moonlight created a chiaroscuro effect on them both, painting Jay in darkness. 

He stared straight at you with an unreadable expression. His teeth were gritted, and his lips were parted slightly.  He made Isa go agonizingly slow, and she made an awful choking sound at the back of her throat as she took him in her mouth. 

You knew you should walk away, but something about it was so absurd that it was hard to look away. You had come here, partially expecting a crude prank from Jay, partially expecting Isa to surprise you with a makeover, and partially expecting Isa to join Jay in tormenting you, but not this. 

Jay’s eyes were cold and sharp as he parted his lips, licked them, then said, “Fuck, that’s so good.” He jerked her head forward onto his length, tugging at her hair roughly, and she choked again. You winced at the violent sound.

Why wouldn’t he look away? It was like he expected something from you, and you didn’t want to know what it was.

You left without another word, rubbing your eyes as you stepped away from the garish scene. He didn’t move, and Isa didn’t hear you. You shoved your socks and shoes back on and ran back out of the library, back into the spray. 

As you sprinted through the cold chill, the water seeping into your skin, you wondered why you had even shown up. How uncharacteristic of you, to get involved in the affairs of others. Why didn’t you just tell Isa that you would help her the next day? Why had you come? 

And why had Isa, or Jay, known that you would come?

When you got into bed, you tried to sleep, but the image of Isa on her knees and Jay’s eyes boring into your own wouldn’t leave your head. You tossed and turned, and that same unfamiliar feeling began to eat at your viscera. Gastric acid spilling out of your stomach, scorching your skin. 

Heat licking you in your most sensitive area.

– 

When you came into the library the next afternoon, Isa looked at you and smiled as usual. “Hey,” she said brightly. “Didn’t get much sleep last night?” 

You shook your head and sat down beside her; on Thursdays, you went through the list of those with late fees and sent them emails through the computer on the library’s main desk. “You?”

Isa gave you a mischievous look. “Mm…you could say someone kept me up last night. But I don’t kiss and tell.”

So she really had no clue. Meaning that either Jay had texted you through her phone so you could witness her giving him a blowjob, or you had made the entire thing up. 

“Um, Isa,” you said awkwardly. “Is it true that on iPhones, if you text someone Congratulations, your screen lights up with confetti? I have an Android, so…”

Isa nodded. “Yeah, it’s so cool!”

“Can you send me a text? I wanna see it.”

She pulled out her phone and quickly tapped out a text. Her screen showed that she hadn’t sent a text message to you since last week. You chose to interpret this as proof of the events of last night being completely fabricated, the result of an overactive imagination, a lack of social interaction, and sexual frustration.

“So cute,” you said as the confetti popped up on the screen. You figured you should say something.

“Isn’t it?” Isa said, sending more words. “There’s one for birthdays, and New Year’s Eve…”

As she spoke, you saw Jake and Jay walking towards you. Jay’s lips were screwed into a self-satisfied smirk, and Jake trailed him. Jay’s neck was littered with red and purple bruises, so you figured that that was why Isa was wearing a white turtleneck today. 

Isa blushed as soon as she saw Jay, and she leaned across the counter to give him a kiss. Jay’s smirk faltered as she did so, and he glanced between you and Isa. 

“You didn’t say anything?” he blurted out.

Isa frowned. “Say what?”

Jay gaped at you.  “Crazy fucking freak,” he muttered, and Isa lurched back as though she had been the one insulted. 

“Don’t be so mean,” she chided, and you felt a sudden warmth in your heart towards Isa. 

“Quit taking your shit out on her,” Jake added.

Jay looked at Jake and Isa, his head whipping around. He laughed once before stalking out of the library, creating a path through all of the students who jumped out of the way to avoid him. 

“I’m worried about him,” Isa said worriedly. “He’s been acting so strangely…”

Jake sighed and rested his hands on the desk. “Don’t know. He’s going through some stuff with his parents, so he’s been acting weirdly. He’s like this at the dorm, too. Him and Riki got into it the other night and now Riki is sleeping at Fawcett with some friend of his. It’s such a mess.”

“Sounds like a mess,” Isa said, folding her hands together and resting her head on them. “Poor Jay. I wish he would just talk to me. He must be hurting a lot.”

Christ.

–

After your shift at the library, you decided to eat at the Fawcett restaurant. Why not? The weather was disgusting, and you needed something substantial, something warm. You ordered something, some rice dish, and you listlessly ate  alone at one of the heavy oaken tables in the dining hall. As you ate, someone you don’t recognize slid into the seat in front of you. He had a shaved eyebrow, calculating eyes, and short black hair with blond highlights. 

“You’re her, right?” He said your name the same snide way that Jay always says it. You nodded. “I’m Riki. Riki Nishimura,” he said, holding out his hand. Unlike Jay, his hand was free from any jewelry. You stared at it, unsure of what his game was. He was the only freshman in the Karma Club, meaning that his hazing must have been particularly brutal. Even though he was young, in the same year as you, he was a Karma Club member just like the rest. 

Riki pulled his hand away and smiled at you wryly. “Jay was right about you. You really are cold.”

Jay talked about you? You didn’t think you existed to anyone outside of your direct interactions with them. How odd.

“Look,” Riki continued, zipping his sweater up as he spoke, “I just wanted to warn you.”

“About?”

Riki glanced around furtively, then stared at you. He craned his head towards you, so you leaned in as well. “He’s gotten worse recently,” Riki said in a low voice. “So they tell me, anyways. I’m a new punch, so I never got to see him ‘normal’.” He made quotation marks in the air when he said normal. “They say he was bad, but never this bad, and he won’t talk to anyone. Not even Heeseung, and they’ve been friends since they were kids.” Riki had developed eyebags, his hair was messy, and he played with his fingers as he spoke. 

“Why are you telling me this?”

Riki sighed, looking away from you. “I figure I owe it to you, I don’t know. For whatever reason, Jay hates you. No one can even understand why he dislikes you so much, but…he just keeps talking about you, saying weird shit, so I really think he might do something just…stupid, and dumb, and I don’t want that on my conscience. If he does do something… bad.”

He already has, but judging by Riki’s expression, you figured that he meant something much worse. “What should I do?”

Riki shrugged. “Don’t know. Watch out, I guess?”

“Thanks,” you said, shoveling in another bite of food. 

Riki watched you eat for a few seconds before he spoke again. “Don’t swing first.”

“What?”

“No matter what you do,” Riki said, getting out of his seat with surprising grace, “don’t buy into his bullshit. You never do anyways, and I think that that’s why he hates you so much. Everyone else indulges his dumbass ‘I’m so hard’ act…even we do, but you don’t.”

You took in his words carefully. “Thanks,” you said again, but you meant it that time.

“No problem,” Riki said. “One last thing.”

You took another bite of food and looked into his eyes. 

“If you want to come to Yeonjun’s party this Friday,” Riki said, leaning in once more (did all the Karma Club members have such little regard for personal space?), “the password is ‘fate’ to get in. It’s like an unofficial KC party. I’ll be there, so will Jake.”

Fate. What an interesting concept. “Party during a storm?”

“No school,” Riki said simply. “And, you know, it’ll be cool. I’m just gonna head there earlier with Sunghoon, but Jake is planning some stupid way to get there.”

“I’ll bet.”

Riki snorted. “You really should come. Maybe things will get interesting.”

“I hope not.”

He leaned away from you and fixed his hair. “I don’t think you’ll get a choice.”

–

After you did your homework, you took a nap and dreamt about the scarf. 

When you had been naive enough to linger outside, when Jay hadn’t yet made harassing you a daily habit, you had liked to knit outside. It was still September, and the weather was mild. You sat on the bleachers after your shift at the library and brought your yarn out with you. 

As you knitted, you heard footsteps behind you, crunching on the grass. Now, you could recognize those sure, solid footsteps from a mile away, but at the time you hadn’t. Generally, people didn’t approach you, so it hadn’t registered that someone was coming towards you.

“What’s that you’ve got there?” Jay hadn’t waited for an answer, plucking the scarf out of your hands just as you had finished another row.  The skein of yarn tumbled to the grass and rolled at his feet. “Is it for someone?”

You didn’t reply, your lips pursed into a thin line. “Right,” Jay had said, examining the scarf, “no one wants you, that’s right. No one wants a buzzkill that sits around, doing fuckall. Have you tried actually living? Experiencing things? Anything except wasting fucking oxygen?”

You had looked all over for that specific colour, and now he was sullying your scarf with his filthy touch. 

In real life, he had used your scissors and cut the scarf free from the yarn and walked away, laughing. But in your dream, the yarn tumbled away from you both. Winding itself around the trees, yarn strewn along the branches, choking the leaves.

You woke up covered in sweat to the sound of knocking on your door. Your bedside clock said that it was 11:00 pm. Some fucking nap.

You opened your door just a crack, trying to see what lunatic it could be. Jay stood in the hallway, grimacing at you. His eyes were ringed with dark circles, and his skin was beginning to take on a sickly pallor. The stark overhead lighting did him no favours, only highlighting his worsening appearance. 

 He grabbed you by your sweater’s sleeve and pulled you out so quickly you barely registered it. “Come along,” he said, dragging you down the hallway. “We’re going to take a little trip, you and me.”

Fighting him was futile, so you allowed yourself to be pulled away. As usual, everyone in Facwett was hanging out in someone else’s dorm, so no one saw you and Jay. He pushed the door open with one hand, the other holding onto your arm. 

Jay plunged the two of you into the rain. The deluge chilled you to the bone, and the sky was clotted with menacing nimbostratus clouds. Despite the darkness, you knew where he was taking you. It was a path you had trodden many times, the way to the Sad U library.

“Why didn’t you do anything?” Jay asked, his voice carrying over the steady rainfall. “When you saw me and Isa?”

“Like what?”

“I don’t fucking know. You could have asked questions? You could have had an actual reaction? Why’d you just stare like a freak?”

“Why’d you do it?” That was the closest you had ever come to defying him in any way, and it even surprised you. 

“Don’t fucking worry about why I did it,” he replied. Lightning flashed, and for a brief moment you could see Jay clearly. His eyebrow piercing glinted, and his eyes were completely black. “What are you looking at?” Without waiting for an answer, he continued tugging you along the grass. 

Jay hauled you up the stone steps and into the library. You didn’t know how he had gotten the doors open without a set of spare keys, until you remembered that he could have easily filched them from Isa. Maybe she gave them to him. Once you were inside, he let go of you. The two of you left large, wet puddles everywhere you stepped.  “Upstairs,” he barked, pointing at the glass staircase. “We’re going to the roof.”

Treading lightly, for your shoes were wet, you walked up all three floors. The entrance to the roof was located in a small supply closet on the leftmost side of the area. You obediently walked towards the closet, flicking the light on to find the hatch. With shaking hands, you pulled down the hatch, which unfurled the ladder leading up to the roof. “Ladies first,” Jay said, so you hiked your skirt up with one hand and climbed with the other. 

Once you got onto the roof,  you lingered by the entrance, underneath the small awning. Jay crawled up, shut the door, and jerked you into the open. You hadn’t noticed the intensity of the rain, so shocked you had been by Jay’s intrusion, but it was terrible. It beat at your face with the intensity of hail, and from just a few seconds you were already soaked. If you had brought your phone outside, it would have been destroyed, 

Jay’s hands were on you again, pulling you close to him. His eyes were wild- even in the darkness, they flashed with a primal ferocity. “We’re going to play a game,” he said, his voice loud and raggedy. The rain drowned out noise, so he leaned even closer to your ear.

“What’s the game?”

“The game,” he said, and his fingers dug into your arms, “is very simple. You give me reasons why I shouldn’t push your prude ass off the roof, and I’ll decide if they’re good enough.”

You pulled away from him to assess his expression, to see if he was joking. Nothing on his grim face suggested humour. “You’ll go to jail,” you said. 

“Jail? I can’t go to jail,” Jay said, his breath unbearably hot on your ear. “None of us can. So come on, give it a shot.”

Lily’s words rang in your head: “They straight up tried to murder a girl in the bathroom.” The library was three stories off of the ground. If he threw you off the roof, it was unlikely that you would die from the impact. It was more probable that you would be grievously injured. Paralyzed, brain damage, a slow death from your wounds, a slow death either way. Jay was the only person stopping you from reaching an infinite unknown. He held your life in his hands. 

You felt your lip tremble before you spoke. “No.”

“What?”

“No,” you said, raising your voice for the first time in ages. “I won’t beg you for anything.”

Your life flashed before your eyes in a dismal montage. Your childhood, lonely and miserable, high school a near mirror image. A life marred by solitude, harshness, and alienation, with the promise of more of the same to come. 

Jay snapped you out of your reverie with another hard shake. “What are you, fucking suicidal? You’re really ruining any potential enjoyment I could be getting out of this, you know.”

The only friends you had ever had, a group of girls in middle school, had teased you and mocked you behind your back, then to your face. Thrift shop clothes, a shy demeanor, and an inability to read the room had marked you as other long ago. An other, someone unlovable, someone born wrong, a bird with a supernumerary wing. Even if you ducked your head down, didn’t provoke anyone, the scent clung to you.

“Try. Come on. Convince me. Try!” Jay yelled now, his voice carrying over the torrent. 

Getting picked last, asked out as a joke, your only “date” having been cutting worms apart with a kid back in the second grade. You were a complete virgin. Hell, you had never even had your first kiss.

“Do something!”

Your sleeves hung from how much water they had soaked up, and your hands were slippery. You cupped Jay’s cheeks, leaned in, and kissed him gently on the lips. It was just a peck, but in your books it counted. Your hands fell away from his face, lingering at your sides.

When you pulled away, Jay was staring at you with the same unreadable expression he had had yesterday night. “I’ve never had my first kiss,” you explained, “So…” Feeling embarrassed, you looked towards the edge of the roof. From here, you could see the four separate dorms and the main campus buildings, as well as the bustling city that housed Sad U. You hadn’t explored it much, and now you never would. Tumble to the bottom, hope for death on impact. 

Jay’s voice was incredulous. “So you kissed me?”

Still averting your gaze, you shrugged. “You didn’t give me a wealth of options.”

Silence hung between the two of you like a noose. The rain poured ceaselessly, completely penetrating your clothes.

“Look at me,” Jay whispered, but you were still gazing at the city below. Cars glittered on the streets, even this late at night. Where were they going? 

“I said look at me,” he said, and his hand grabbed your chin and jerked it towards his face. “And don’t look away.”

You stared into his dark eyes; you were so close now that you could smell his breath. It smelled like bourbon and cigarettes. 

“I hate you,” he said, his thumb and index finger still holding your chin in place. “It’s beyond hatred sometimes.”

“I know,” you said.

“I think you’re pathetic. I think you’re weak.”

“I know.”

“So stop making it hard for me,” Jay said, his breathing growing uneven and erratic. 

“Making what hard for you?”

“Oh, don’t fucking play dumb,” he snapped. “You’re always doing it. You’re doing it right now.”

“I don’t do anything,” you said.

“That’s your problem,” Jay said, “you never do anything. You’re always so fucking calm, and passive, and it pisses me off. You just can’t let anything get to you, right? Nothing ever matters to you. Nothing can ever hurt you, right?” He swallowed audibly.

Your eyes drifted to the entrance to the roof. Thankfully, Jay had closed it after he had followed you up. You would have hated it if water had gotten inside.

“I said, look at me,” Jay growled, so you did.

Then he jerked your chin upwards and kissed you harshly. His arms wrapped around you, holding you tightly against him, your chest flush against his own. Two wet bodies pressed together.

You didn’t know what to do, or how to kiss back. You tried to mimic his actions, but it was impossible to keep up with him. Jay kissed you like he was punishing you for daring to touch him. Jay’s tongue worked its way into your mouth and swirled around your own tongue, dragged itself along your teeth, shoved itself down your throat. His hands gripped you as if he thought you would tumble off of the roof on your own accord if he didn’t hold onto you. One clutched your upper back, the other hand wound its way to your waist.

Jay pulled away briefly, sucking in rapid breaths, before pressing his lips firmly against yours again. He forced you down to the ground, so that you both sank to the floor of the roof. Rain had slipped into your mouths as you had caught your breath. Saliva and rainwater dribbled out of your mouths, onto your chins. You were on your knees, being consumed by Jay. One of his hands pressed against the back of your head, holding you in place. 

Thunder crashed, but Jay was relentless. You wondered if he kissed everyone like this. You wondered if he kissed Isa like this. 

Once more, he broke the kiss, panting heavily. His arms slid away from your body, leaving you with a phantom weight. Jay shakily stood up, rainwater dripping off of him as though he were one of storm clouds hovering above you. “Congratulations,” he said, “I don’t feel like killing you today.”

He left you there, looking back at him, soaked in the torrential downpour. When you touched your lips, you found that they were already starting to swell.

–

On Friday, classes were canceled because of the weather. It was for the best. You stared at the ceiling listlessly, your hands folded over your stomach. You hadn’t remembered going to the communal showers, or getting dressed in a nightgown, but you had done it. Your throat was sore and you were sneezing on and off. 

The sound of an incoming text broke the silence, and you reached over to your nightstand to read it. It was Isa, asking you to come over to her dorm room. You weren’t in the mood, so you texted her that you were sick. It wasn’t a lie either; pressure was building behind your skull, and you just wanted to sleep. 

Unfortunately, no one at Sad U knew how to take a hint. Ten minutes later, you heard timid rapping at your door. You groaned, shuffled to your feet, and opened the door. 

Isa was standing outside, wearing a worn Judas Priest t-shirt with purple and pink bear pajama pants. Her face was free from makeup, and her fiery hair was tugged into a loose bun. “You look bad,” she said, then winced. “Sorry.”

“I’m sick.”

“I thought you were lying just to get rid of me,” she said sheepishly. “I’ll come back some other time.”

You shook your head and beckoned her inside. All of a sudden, you didn’t want to be alone right now.  You figured you might as well get this over with now, anyways. You sat down on your bed and patted the space next to you.

Isa sat down and looked around your room, trying to find something to compliment. “It’s very…cozy in here. It’s very you,” she said finally, turning to face you.

“Thank you,” you said, stretching out your neck. “What’s up?”

Isa sighed and tugged at the hem of Jay’s shirt. “It’s Jay,” she said finally. Of course. It was always Jay. “No one’s seen him since last night.”

“Maybe he’s on campus somewhere, like Ri-,”

“No, no one has seen him.” Isa screwed her face up in frustration. “He just disappeared.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” Isa said bitterly. “Oh. So, I was wondering…if you had, I dunno, seen him? I know that you guys…know each other, so I was wondering if maybe he had said something.”

“No,” you said immediately. “No, he didn’t.” What could you say? Yeah, your pseudo-boyfriend threatened to kill me, we made out on the rooftop, and then he disappeared?

“Oh, okay,” Isa said, her voice faltering. She sniffled, but before you could make a feeble attempt at comforting her, she smiled. “Gosh. It’s such an ugly day, and all my friends are over at Stoker right now with their boyfriends. I’d go over there, but the rain is so bad…”

It was clear that Isa wanted someone to hang around, so maybe you could help each other. Just once. “I saved some movies on my laptop before the storm, if you wanted to, you know…”

Isa wiped her eyes. “What? You want to watch a movie with me?”

What were you doing? “If you want.”

 “Yeah. Yeah, sure, what movies?”

“Uh, Oldboy and Lady Vengeance…”

Isa brightened and clapped her hands. “Oh, no way. I loved Lady Vengeance. I haven’t seen Oldboy, though.”

You smiled slowly. “I haven’t seen either of them. Which should we watch first?”

“Oldboy came out first, I think,” Isa said, taking her hair out of her bun and fluffing it out. “So we should watch that…then Lady Vengeance.”

Watching a movie with someone had seemed tedious to you, an unneeded distraction. Why would you want to hear someone else talk while you were trying to focus? But for some reason, Isa pointing at your small laptop screen, making idle comments, and at one point going on a snack run and coming back with a small bounty of treats was actually enjoyable. The storm wailed outside, pounding at your window.

At one point, halfway through Lady Vengeance, Isa put her head on your shoulder. Awkwardly, you patted her smooth hair and she nuzzled into you. 

So this was what it was like to have a friend. 

“Hey,” you said quietly, “are you going to the party at Yeonjun’s?”

Isa nodded, her cheek rubbing against your shoulder. “I think I might, yeah. Yeah, my friends have been trying to get invited, but it’s pretty hard. And apparently there’s like a list of invitees, so you can’t just…go. Jay was supposed to take me, but…” her voice trailed off.

“I got invited. Formally,” you said, “so maybe we could go together?”

Isa lifted her cheek off of your shoulder so she could look at you directly, a smile slowly spreading across her pretty face. “Really?” 

“Yeah, and…” you swallowed thickly. “You could maybe…help me get ready?”

The sheer ferocity of the squeal that Isa had emitted could have powered the school in case the bad weather wrecked the back-up generators. “I’ll call Jake so he can pick us up,” Isa said, pulling her phone out. “He’s staying behind, so we can meet him in a few hours…”

“He’ll drive us?”

Isa looked at you slyly. “Not quite.”

–

“It’s perfectly safe,” Jake reassured you. He was behind the wheel of a golf cart, his teeth gleaming in the dark. had parked outside of Fawcett, positioned under a large tree to evade the worst of the rain. 

“Won’t the rain wreck the cart?” you asked. At Isa’s behest, you were wearing a plastic poncho that covered you from head to toe, speaking through a small mouth flap. She had bought them in anticipation for the awful weather, and she would not have you wreck the makeup she had meticulously painted on your face. The dress you were wearing was one she had chosen from your closet. She had wanted to do raw hem the dress to make it look “grunge”, but Jake had pounded on your door, yelling for you guys to get out. So she had hurried you out, and you hadn’t even had the chance to grab your phone. Strange how eager she was to please him, even though they seemed to be on equal footing. 

Jake waved away your concerns. “It’ll make it to Yeonjun’s. Probably.” He could scarcely be heard amidst the thunder crashing in the distance. 

“How come you didn’t leave earlier? I heard the others went to Yeonjun’s a few hours earlier,” Isa said, adjusting her own poncho.

Jake hesitated, then whispered, “I thought Jay would come back. Wanted to be at Stoker in case he showed.”

Isa’s face crumpled for a few seconds, before she took a deep breath and steeled herself. “Come on,” she yelled, grabbing your hand and leading you into the golf cart. “Aw, man, my ass is wet.”

“That’s a hurricane party for you,” Jake said. With a whoop, he started the golf cart and sped away from Fawcett.

The main entrance to Sad U was closed off by a large, ostentatious black gate, but there were other ways to get off campus. Namely, there was a winding path that led from the warehouse into the woods surrounding the university that led outside. Jake maneuvered the golf cart through the powerful winds, hollering as he did so. 

“You drive like shit,” Isa screamed, clinging to you. 

“You try driving a golf cart through a hurricane,” Jake yelled, entering the forest. There was a brief reprieve from the winds, but branches, twigs, and pebbles still whipped around your head. You had to dodge constantly to avoid a barrage of debris. 

Somehow, Jake had wheeled the golf cart onto a side road. “Do you know where you’re going?” Isa asked warily.

“Yeah,” Jake said, “obviously. I’ve been to Yeonjun’s a bunch of times.”

“Are you sure?” The golf cart squeaked miserably as it rumbled down the concrete. 

“Yes, I’m sure! Get off my ass!”

“We’re in a golf cart in a Category 5 hurricane, someone needs to be on your ass.”

“This isn’t even a Category 2 hurricane. This is nothing. You know what we get in Australia? We get willy-willies. You wouldn’t know shit about that, would you?”

You started laughing. You couldn’t remember the last time you had done so, but it felt amazing. Clutching your stomach, you rested your head on Isa’s shoulder. Isa looked at you, then glanced at Jake, and they joined in too. A merry band of lunatics, cackling in the middle of a storm.

“We’re so fucked, Wednesday Addams is laughing,” Jake said, letting out a wheezing laugh. 

“It’s a good omen,” Isa suggested, “like a black cat walking under ladders.”

“13 mirrors in a funhouse breaking,” you said, unable to stop giggling. Maybe you were delirious. 

Jake snickered and continued driving. The storm hadn’t let up, but he managed to navigate the golf cart onto the sidewalk of a residential area - quite the upscale neighborhood at that. The houses looked more like dorm buildings with how large and decadent they were. 

“I thought it’d be a gated community,” Isa said, still holding onto you. 

“Yeonjun’s going through this weird Twitter socialist phase,” Jake said, “so he’s like, ‘gated communities are for the bourgeoise’, but he owns a shit ton of Rick.”

You glanced at Isa. “Rick?”

“Rick Owens,” she explained.

Just then, you heard a distinct gurgling noise coming from the back of the golf cart. “You guys hear that?” 

“I can’t hear anything in this weather,” Isa said, and as the words left her mouth the golf cart made a loud hissing noise. 

“Get out!” Jake yelled. “The battery is waterlogged!” Isa helped to pull you out of the cart, and the three of you watched the golf cart smoke before the rain snuffed any remaining heat. 

“Jake,” Isa began, her words punctuated by a thunder-clap, “why would you even take a golf cart to Yeonjun’s in the middle of a storm?”

Jake spread his arms angrily, but all he could offer was a meager, “The vibes?”

“The vibes,” she said, exasperated. “The vibes.” 

“How far is Yeonjun’s?” you asked, still wired from the strange euphoria you had felt earlier.

Jake shrugged, running his hands through his wet locks. “Like…five minutes away?”

“We should run,” you suggested. “What else can we do?” 

Jake opened his mouth, but with another loud thunderclap, he turned on his heel and started sprinting. Expletives spilled out of his mouth as quickly as he moved. Isa took your hand and you ran in a madcap sprint to Yeonjun’s house. It was almost surreal; every minute, there was a bright flash of lightning, and you could see everything in complete clarity. 

Your lower half was completely wet, you were holding hands with the “girlfriend” of the guy who had tormented you for months, and you were running towards a party with some of the most obnoxious people at your university, including his best friend. 

“Fate,” you murmured.

“What?” Isa yelled, pulling her poncho tightly around herself. 

“Fate,” you said, a little louder.

“Yeah, that’s the password,” Jake said, running a little ahead of you and Isa. “Who told you?”

“Riki.”

Isa let out a slight laugh. “You know Riki, too? You don’t tell me anything.”

You laughed, too. A few minutes later, you were in front of Yeonjun’s sprawling mansion. From what you could tell, it was around three stories. Lights shone from all of the windows besides the ones on the highest floor.  No cars in the driveway, but the ten car garage probably fit all of them neatly. The wind could batter this fortress all it wanted, but the brick and stucco building would probably hold up in a flood. You didn’t want to know how someone who had graduated university not two years prior had been able to afford such a nice place. He was an ex-Karma Club member- the president, in fact - so Lord knows what he was capable of. 

You could hear loud trap music with rapid 808s playing from inside, accompanied by frenzied screams. The yard, which was currently being pummeled by a torrent of water, was understandably empty as well. Jake walked up to the door and rapped three quick knocks using the brass knocker. Someone opened it, a young man with a cat-like smile. He looked at Jake, then at you and Isa.

“Password?” 

Jake groaned. “Jungwon, you little shit. Don’t be annoying.”

“That’s crazy,” Jungwon said, shoving his hands into the front pocket of his bright orange hoodie. “None of those words sounded like the password.”

Jake groaned again, leaned in, and whispered the password into Jungwon’s ear. 

“Enter,” Jungwon said, gesturing Jake inside with a flourish. Jake gave Jungwon the finger and walked inside, calling, “I’ll be in the living room” behind his shoulder. 

Isa walked up next. She gave Jungwon a little kiss on the cheek and said the password. She turned towards you and pointed at the right, presumably at the living room. Then she disappeared inside as well, already taking off her poncho. 

Jungwon looked at you expectantly, so you walked down the stone path, up the steps, and stood in the doorway. “Fate,” you said. 

Jungwon nodded at you, jutting his bottom lip out slightly. “Nice to finally meet you,” he said appreciatively. “We’ve heard so much about you.”

“Anything good?”

You both stared at each other blankly. “You’d better get inside,” Jungwon said, gesturing you in. “In, in. It’s raining cats and dogs and Jakes. Get it? Because he’s an animal.”

“Shut the fuck up,” you heard Jake call from up the stairs and Jungwon wandered over to him, still laughing. Your eyes adjusted to the sudden light.

The scene was something out of a music video. To your right was a winding, wooden staircase with ornate iron balusters. Clusters of people crowded on it, passing around a tired joint or just talking. To your left, you could see a small room that had been stripped of its furniture so people could have space to dance. Directly beside it was a small bar, replete with various bottles of alcohol along with a small cooler that rested on the counter. Riki was standing near the bar, and when he caught your eyes he stalked over to you.

Riki grinned at you as you peeled off your sopping wet poncho and jacket, resting them on a nearby coat hook. “You came,” he said quietly. 

“I did,” you said.

He walked back to the bar, and after a moment’s hesitation you followed him. “Do you drink?” he asked, pawing through the open cooler. 

“Not often,” you said, leaning against the counter, careful to avoid touching an odd puddle of liquid. 

“Didn’t think so,” Riki said. He pulled a blue Calypso lemonade out of the cooler and cracked it open, handing it to you. You received it reluctantly, swirling the liquid around. “Don’t worry, I didn’t spike it. That’s more of a Sunoo thing.”

You took a small, tentative sip. “Is it?

“Nothing serious,” Riki said, gulping his own Monster and wiping his mouth. “Just know that if you ever see a group of people mysteriously getting the shits at once, it’s Sunoo.”

“Is he here?”

“Yeah. Why do you think they have me watching the drinks? When he gets bored at a party he gets antsy.”

“Hm.” You continued drinking and surveyed the area. It was almost claustrophobic, seeing so many people dancing and writhing around. Thanks to Isa, you didn’t stand out, although you wondered if anyone would have even cared. 

Riki nudged your arm with his elbow lightly. “First party?” 

You nodded, clutching your small glass bottle like a lifeline. “A lot of people.”

Riki snorted. “Nah, wait till you see upstairs.”

“Upstairs?”

“Yeah,” Riki said, jerking his thumb towards the steps. “That’s where the living room is.”

You gaped at him, glancing at the large, open space beside you two. “That isn’t the living room?”

A laugh escaped Riki’s lips and he nudged you again. “This is so fun. Come on.” Riki abandoned his post at the bar and jostled you. You got to your feet and looked at him warily. As he pushed you up the stairs, helping you wind past the dazed partygoers sitting on the steps, he said, “You’re wet.”

“Jake drove us here in a golf cart.”

Riki laughed loudly, his voice echoing over the music coming from upstairs. “He was serious about that? What the fuck? We could have driven you guys in Yeonjun’s all-terrain truck.”

You got to the top of the steps and pulled at your wet dress. “He said he did it for the-,”

“Vibes,” Riki finished, swallowing the last of his Monster. He crushed the can and tossed it on the floor, where it clattered unceremoniously. “He’s an idiot sometimes.”

“So I’m learning,” you said. 

The red LED lights blaring from the expansive living room on the far left painted Riki’s face with a devilish glow. He put his arm around your shoulder and laughed again. “We should be friends. You’re funny.”

“You’d be my first one,” you said, walking towards the party with some apprehension.

“Your first? What about Jay?” Riki asked innocently. “I thought you guys were best friends.” You glared at him and he snickered. 

“Come on, let’s dance.”

“Wait,” you said, tugging on his sleeve. 

“What?”

You looked at the throng of people dancing freely. You could see Isa’s flowing mass of red hair in the middle of the room, and Jungwon’s bright orange hoodie led you to Jake doing some trendy little dance. You could see the other members of the Karma Club interspersed throughout the room - Sunghoon and Sunoo were in a corner, half-dancing and half gossiping. You didn’t see Heeseung, or anyone who matched his description. Everyone there, regardless of what they were doing, looked like they were having fun.  They were shouting the lyrics to a song you didn’t know. 

“I can’t dance,” you said finally.

Riki stared at you. “You think any of them can dance? Look at Jake.”

“Well, I-,”

Riki put both of his hands on your shoulders and looked you in the eyes. “You need to stop thinking.”

“Stop thinking?”

“Yes. Stop thinking. Just do what feels right.”

“I won’t know any songs.”

“Doesn’t matter. Every song has a beat, you just follow it.”

“But …”

“I’m about done with this conversation,” Riki said, and he pulled you inside of the living room. Someone with lanky hair was manning a turntable, holding up his red solo cup as he fiddled with dials. Bodies were pressed together, and the room smelled like sweat and weed and perfume.

Riki started to move to the beat, so you decided to follow him, still holding your Calypso. He looked at you and laughed. “Just like that,” he said. The two of you danced at the edge of the party together, and it was comforting realizing that no one was paying attention. You closed your eyes and tried to feel the beat; the music was so loud that the floors seemed to reverberate. 

You heard someone call your name, and when you opened your eyes you saw Isa running towards you. Her smile was lopsided and she was laughing a little too hard. “I’m about to start rolling,” she said giddily. “Took like 150 mg. Come dance!”

Isa suddenly possessed the strength of an ox, because she was able to yank you into the center of the room. 

Jake yelled your name and hit a dance move you didn’t recognize. You copied him, the same way you did Riki. “Aye,” Jake said approvingly, “Wednesday’s got moves.”

“I taught her everything she knows,” Riki said. He embraced Jake in a half-hug and Jake ruffled his hair.

“I’m gonna teach her how to twerk,” Isa said, tugging your arm. “Come here…” 

You tried to pry her hand off of you. “No, no, no…”

“Teach me, Isa,” Jake said playfully, and he dropped into a squat and rattled his bones. Isa made a retching noise and looked away. 

An unfamiliar voice gasped, and you whirled your head to see who it was.“Oh, God. Who got Jake popping his pussy?” It was a girl wearing a black beanie with a cross on it, a thin tank top, and baggy camo pants. 

Isa smiled. “Gigi!”

“Gigi” and Isa kissed each other on the cheeks. “Girl,” Gigi said, rolling her eyes, “someone gave my man an edible and said that it was only 10 mg. Tell me why he’s in the bathroom right now talking about ‘they’re after me’?”

Riki’s eyes lit up. “Heeseung is vulnerable?”

“Don’t scare him too bad,” Gigi said, but Riki was already speeding away. She sighed and bit the inside of her cheek. “That boy is evil, Isa.”

“You say that like every Karma Club member isn’t insane,” Isa said, pulling her hair out of her face and whipping it backwards.

Jake finally got up and frowned, standing beside Isa. You lingered on her other side; Gigi’s sudden appearance had made you feel a bit nervous. “I’m not that bad,” Jake said with a slight pout. 

“Please.” Gigi scoffed and adjusted her beanie. “That Mina shit was pretty bad.”

For the first time since you had known him, Jake’s face was completely serious. The air had become fraught with tension, and you realized that the three of them had completely stopped dancing. 

“Oops,” she said, holding her hand up to her lips. “Did I say something?”

Isa was chewing on her bottom lip, and Jake was staring at Gigi the same way that Jay looked at other people. Like he could kill them.

“Let’s not talk about that,” Jake mumbled, looking away from Gigi. He glanced at you, then back at the ground. 

Gigi followed his gaze to you, and she gave you a clinical, detached once-over. “Who’s this?”

“This is our Wednesday,” Isa said, rubbing your shoulder. She told Gigi your name, and a hint of recognition flickered on her face. 

“Oh, that’s you,” Gigi said, nodding slowly. “I’m Giselle. Heeseung’s brought you up.”

What was there even to talk about? “Oh.”

“Based on what Heeseung said, I didn’t think you’d show up to one of these,” Gigi said coolly. 

“Jake said he’d buy me smoothies for a week if I came,” you replied drily. 

“No, I didn’t,” Jake protested, but his wide, puppy-like smile returned. “Quit lying on me.”

“No, you definitely did,” Isa said, lightly pushing him. “I heard you say it. You said you’d get me a wrap from Stoker’s caf, too.”

“Fine, fine,” Jake said, holding his hands up. “Smoothies for a week for Wednesday and a wrap for her friend Ariel.”

The song switched, some rap song you didn’t know, but Giselle shrieked, clutching Isa. “Girl, this is my song,” she screamed. “Just got some top from a stripper bitch, she from Kankakee…”

Giselle and Isa started dancing, with Giselle gesturing at Isa passionately. You looked at Jake, who moved his arms in a ridiculous, exaggerated way. You smiled and followed his movements, to his amusement. 

“You been getting close to Riki?” he asked, tousling his hair. 

“I guess,” you replied, trying to mimic a dance you had seen in a music video. “I’ve only known him for two days, though.”

Jake nodded. “He seems like he likes you.”

“He’s nice.”

“Yeah, he’s a good kid,” Jake said, and you became aware of how close he had gotten to you. When had that happened?

“You say kid like Riki and I aren’t the same age.”

Jake stopped moving momentarily, and a shy smile spread across his face. You felt a blush creep over your cheeks, and you were thankful for the cover of darkness. “Well, you don’t seem like you’re the same age as Riki,” he said softly. “You seem a lot more…mature?”

“I don’t feel mature,” you admit and you wonder why you even said it. 

“You are,” Jake said, and you saw his hand reaching out towards you, towards your face. Before he could touch you, you felt someone push you. 

“Why aren’t you dancing?” Riki said, giggling. “You guys look like losers.” He patted your back and went over to Jake, shaking him. Jake playfully wrestled Riki, and as you looked on you swayed your hips ever-so-slightly. Now that you were a little more comfortable, you were starting to have fun.

“Okay, get it,” Gigi said. You turned and she was giving you a strange smile. Isa stretched her hand towards you, and without a moment of delay, you took it. 

Even though you didn’t know the words, even though you didn’t know anyone, you still danced.  Jake was on your right, Isa was on your left, and the six of you were in a group, letting loose. Isa let her head hang back and excitedly moved her body to the beat. Riki was a surprisingly good dancer, freestyling along with every song that came on. Jake wasn’t far behind him, either. Last week, you couldn’t have imagined yourself doing this, not with these people. 

“Let’s go,” Jake yelled before a beat drop, and Riki pushed your head down so you would headbang. You smacked his arm, a gesture you had witnessed girls do to guys. It felt good to do something normal like that, to express your familiarity with someone.

You didn’t know how long you had spent in the living room, but eventually you grew tired. You tapped Jake on the shoulder. “Where’s the bathroom?”

“Shit,” Jake said apologetically. “They’re probably all occupied right now. You really need to go?”

You shook your head. “Just need to rest for a little. I’m tired.”

“Sure,” he said. “You wanna go to a bedroom?”

Resting on a soft, plush bed and nuzzling into goose-down pillows sounded like a great plan to you. You nodded your assent. As you left, Isa got a hold of your jacket’s sleeve. “You okay?”

“Not used to this many people,” you explained, and you could have sworn you heard Giselle scoff. Whatever.  Isa nodded sympathetically and gave you a long hug. You tapped her back awkwardly before pulling away. “Have fun,” you said softly. 

“Don’t have to tell me twice,” Isa said, playfully hitting your arm before turning back around.

Jake winded his way out of the crowd with you in tow. He took you up another flight of spiral stairs, then down a hallway decorated with tasteful, if not somewhat generic, artwork. He knocked on a door at the end of the hall, and when he didn’t hear anything, he opened the door. Jake flicked the light on, surveying the room. It was a simple, spacious bedroom; the bed had a red and gold quilt, the floor was dark hardwood, and the curtains were drawn shut. “This place is so big,” Jake said admiringly. “If the apocalypse were to happen, I’d come here and just hide out.”

“You’d get looted,” you said, entering the bedroom. You took your shoes off at the door and walked over to the bed. Putting your calypso down on the nightstand, you laid down on top of the sheets. “Yeonjun won’t mind if I sleep in one of his beds?”

Jake scoffed and sat down on the edge of the bed, beside you. “Sleeping is probably the tamest thing people are going to do in his bedrooms,” Jake said, looking down at you. “You’re fine.”

“Oh.” With that, you crawled under the covers, which were deliciously soft. The pillows were cold and crisp, and you breathed out a contented sigh. 

“You must be tired,” Jake said. “First college party, right?”

“First party,” you replied, suddenly feeling embarrassment over your lackluster social life. 

Jake shook his head in disbelief. “You’re so chill, I don’t get why you weren’t popular in high school.”

“Ask Jay,” you deadpanned. “He could give you a few reasons.”

“Jay’s a fucking…” Jake seemed to catch himself, and he looked at the ceiling before staring back down at you. “I love him, but I don’t understand him. I don’t know why he treats you like that.” 

Why do you let him treat me like that? The words clogged in your throat. You were being unfair. Jake had been telling Jay to stop recently, had been trying to help you. It wasn’t like he could stop Jay, anyways. Jay always did what he wanted. 

You must have looked strange, because Jake bit his lip in worry. “Are you sure you’re all right?”

“I caught a little cold yesterday,” you said. Jake touched the back of his hand to your forehead, and you were surprised by how chilly his touch was. 

“How’d you manage that?” Jake said in a low murmur. He moved his hand to your neck, just under your chin. 

“Went outside.”

“And why did you go outside?”

You gave him a small smile. “The vibes.”

Jake chuckled. “You can be so funny,” he said. “You can be so…”

You never got to hear what else Jake thought you were, because he had leaned down and planted his plush lips onto yours, kissing you softly. A dulcet sweet kiss, as gentle as dandelion fluff. When he pulled away, his eyes lingered on your lips. “Sorry,” Jake said quietly, moving his hand from your neck. 

You didn’t say anything, and you felt as though you had reverted back to the you from Monday. 

“Sorry,” Jake said again, “I don’t know why I did that.” He hesitated, then whispered, “Do you want me to go?” 

You bobbed your head up and down, almost imperceptibly. Jake drew a sharp intake of breath, nodded, then stood up. “I hope you feel better,” he muttered before leaving the bedroom. 

You didn’t. You couldn’t even fall asleep. You laid there, listening to the sounds of the rain and the bass kicks coming from the living room. Your eyes were closed, but your mind was racing. 

Bringing your fingers to your lips, you traced the soft skin. Jake had kissed you like you were something fragile, something that needed special care. He was attractive, friendly, and treated you far better than any other man in your life ever had. 

So why were you thinking about Jay? 

It was only a seven minute drive to Yeonjun’s from Sad U, which would be a nearly two hour long walk. Even if the weather cleared up, it would be an arduous trek, and without your phone, you would probably get lost. 

There was no point in trying to rest, but you didn’t want to see Jake right now. You didn’t want to confront his feelings, your feelings, or your lack thereof. Maybe you should go downstairs, see if you could scrounge up some alcohol. Drink yourself into a stupor and black out. 

So you got out of bed, shoved your shoes on, and headed out the door. As you walked down the hallway, you bumped into Riki, who was carrying a bottle of something with two red solo cups. “Jake wants to drink all of a sudden,” he explained. “But he’s too much of a fair maiden to get it himself. Annoying. It’s a crime for me to even be touching this shit.”

“I want to leave,” you blurted out. 

Riki stared at you. “What happened?”

“Nothing. I don’t know.” 

Shifting the items in his hands, he sighed and pulled his phone out of his pocket. He checked the time, then looked at you gravely. “Weather’s supposed to clear up in 3 hours,” Riki said finally. “I can take someone’s car.”

“They wouldn’t mind?”

“If they minded, then they shouldn’t have put me on key duty,” Riki said, shaking his flannel’s pocket. You heard the sound of keys jangling together.

“You really are evil,” you said approvingly. 

“How do you think I got into the club?” Riki smiled, then sighed. “I’m gonna go take care of Jake. You gonna come dance again?”

“Don’t think so.” 

“All right,” Riki said. “Which room are you in?”

“Up the stairs…down the hall, the leftmost room.”

“I’ll meet you there in a few hours, then,” Riki said, and he prepared to leave.

“Wait.” When Riki turned to face you, crading the bottle of alcohol under his arms, you swallowed.

“Why are you so nice to me?”

Riki snorted. “Don’t say depressing, orphan ass shit like that. You piss Jay off, you don’t suck his dick, you don’t get into dumbass slapfights, and you’re funny. That’s all I need.”

“I thought Karma Club members would sort of…hate the same people.”

“Yeah, a lot of people make assumptions about us,” Riki said, irritation clear on his face. “They don’t know shit.” When you remain quiet, he heads over to the living room.

–

Three hours pass by, trickling like molasses. You go in and out of sleep, dreams intermingling with daydreams. You think about the scarf, about Jay, the smoothies Jake promised you, about your classes, about how five days could culminate into something like this. Lying in a stranger’s bed. You think about how, if Jay hadn’t fiercely kissed you on the rooftop, Jake would have been your first kiss. But if Jay hadn’t kissed you, would you have accepted Isa’s invitation to hang out? Would you have come to this party?

Riki knocked on your door. “It’s open,” you said, and he stepped inside.

“Jake’s acting stupid,” Riki said, gesturing for you to get up. “Fighting with Gigi because she brought up the Mina thing.” 

You shuffled over to his side, and together you descended the winding staircase. 

“I take it you don’t know what the Mina thing is?” Riki asked. 

You shook your head. 

“Jake would probably hate it if I told you,” Riki began, holding the door open for you, “so I’ll tell you.

You slipped through the door; the wind was weaker, and the rain came in a light shower instead of the downpour through which you had traversed. “What’s with you?”

Riki laughed, striding over to the massive garage. He pressed a button and it folded itself into the wall. “I like starting shit.”

“Fair.”

The two of you got into someone’s car, with heated leather seats and fuzzy dice in the mirror. “So, the Mina thing was pretty straightforward,” he began, pulling out of the driveway. “From what I understand, Jake hooked up with a girl when she was drunk. Really drunk. She said it was assault, he said that it was consensual.” 

You were surprised by the blase nature with which he relayed this information, but you figured being in the Karma Club took a lot of grit. 

“She tried to take him to court, but Jake…well, he’s rich. Really rich. She never got a rape kit, apparently didn’t know they existed, so she had no evidence. The only thing was…” Riki squinted at the road. “Fuck, I missed a turn…doesn’t matter. Anyways, the only thing was that her back was fucked up.”

“Fucked up?”

“Scratches, bruises and shit. Jake said that she liked it rough, and I never got to see it myself, but one of her old friends did. She didn’t believe that Jake raped her, but it looked ugly. Anyways, then she got known as the girl that cried rape. Everyone sort of just ran with it. Then she tried to kill herself.”

Riki said it so casually, you nearly didn’t register that he had said it. “Pardon me?”

“She tried to overdose on something, I don’t know what. It didn’t work, she got her stomach pumped. And then she left the school. It was the middle of last semester, so I have no clue how she completed her exams. Probably didn’t. No one knows where she is now. No one knew about the attempt, except for the KC members at the time.”

“How is that possible?”

“Well,” Riki said, turning onto Decelis Street, where Sadame University was located. “She had lost all of her friends, so it’s not like they would have cared. Sorry if that sounds like a dick thing to say, but it’s true. And the people who did find her, well…they weren’t going to tell anyone.”

“Why? Who found her?”

Riki was silent as he pulled up in front of the tall, imposing gate. “You can get in, right? There’s a few entrances that lead inside, or you could climb over.”

“Yeah,” you said, unbuckling your seatbelt. “I should be fine.”

“Good.”

“Thanks for driving me.”

“It was Jay,” he said quietly. “Jay found her. She was from Fawcett, and he found her in the girls’ bathroom.”

–

Staggering through the halls of Fawcett, which were eerily quiet (quite a few students had gone home for the weekend, anticipating the storm. The rest were probably in Stoker, enjoying the proximity to the KC without stirring their ire. 

It was too much to think about, too much to figure out. Jake had either committed a crime, or he was being unfairly framed. Either way, the girl had tried to kill herself, and Jay had found her. Why would he be in the Fawcett bathroom? None of it made sense, and you were so worn out, you could hardly bring yourself to think about it.

You jammed your key into the lock, but you realized that the door was already open. That’s right. Isa had rushed you outside, so you hadn’t had the chance to lock your door. When you cracked the door ajar, you saw someone lying on your bed, reading one of your books. 

Jay.

This was the longest Friday night of your life. 

The door made a creaking noise as you pushed it all the way open, and he turned to you and smiled. It was a Duchenne smile, devoid of any joy. His hair, which was normally styled, fell limply into his eyes.  He set the book down on your nightstand, got to his feet, and pulled you inside lightly. As he let you go, he closed the door and locked it with an unpropitious click. 

“Where were you?” Jay asked, leaning against the door. He crossed his arms over his loose black button-up and tilted his head.

“Yeonjun’s,” you said.  You still felt weak from the last 6 hours, so you rested your hand on your nightstand for support as you stood in front of him. 

“Oh, Yeonjun’s,” he said, raising his eyebrows. “How was it? Fun?”

The benign nature of his questioning only made you feel more perturbed. “It was okay,” you said. “Loud. Not as many people as I thought.”

“You know how it is,” Jay continued. “KC parties are always exclusive.” His voice didn’t have its usual arrogant, loud tone, the one that commanded attention. Now he spoke in a slow, borderline sensual drawl.

“Why didn’t you go?”

Jay shrugged and kicked himself off of the door, standing upright. He shoved his hands into his pockets. “You may not know this because you don’t have any friends, but hanging around the same people for so long gets boring. I got sick of it, all their bullshit. Besides, KC parties are all the same. You go there, you listen to the shittiest house music, you smoke cat piss because it’s Heeseung’s favourite, you grind on some sluts, you fuck one or two of them, you have to kick their drunk asses out, you go home, then you fight the urge to kill yourself, pen in your jugular.”

“Sounds like a great time.”

Jay laughed humourlessly. “I didn’t know you could make jokes. You’re just full of surprises. Going to parties - KC parties, no less! - wearing makeup…you fuck anyone?”

Your eyes widened. “What?”

“Did you fuck anyone? Seems like you were looking to get fucked tonight.” Jay took a small step towards you.

“No,” you said, thinking about the kiss. Both of them.

“Really?” Jay stepped even closer. “Not even Jake? He has a weird thing for you, you know. Probably thinks he can dick the mute out of you. I’m surprised he didn’t try anything. But then, he’s always been kind of a pussy, though.”

You stayed silent, backing up. He wasn’t wearing his usual cologne today, so his natural scent wafted into your nose. It was woodsy and a little spicy. 

“Back to the silent treatment? You’re killing me.”

Your hand brushed against the book he had been reading. “Why are you here, Jay?” 

“I missed you,” Jay said sarcastically. “I just had to come see you. Why, you didn’t want to see me? Are you scared of me now?”

You shook your head, stepping back again. Your calves hit the cool wrought iron frame of your bed, and you realize that there’s nowhere left to go. 

Jay advanced upon you, until he was hovering over you like a specter. “Of course you aren’t. Nothing I can do can frighten you, right?”

“No.”

Anger contorted his features into a vicious snarl, and he pushed you onto the bed. Yourlegs hit the edge of the bed, and you winced from the impact. Furious hands groped all over the front of your body, as if he were attempting to touch every part of you at once. Jay’s lips pressed onto yours, his teeth clashing against yours. This kiss lacked the desperation and  hopelessness of last time. Now, his kisses were vicious attacks, wet and hot. His hips rutted against your crotch, like he was trying to fuck you through the layers of clothing.

Jay pulled away, gasping. His lips were covered in his own slick saliva. “Why aren’t you fighting back? Why do you let me do whatever I want to you?”

He’s pinned your arms against your sides, so all you can do is look into his eyes. Your voice came out more strongly than you had intended. “You’ll do it if I fight back or not. You always do whatever you want. I’m not strong enough to stop you, so why bother?”

Jay growled with indignation. “You’re pathetic. You’re weak.” He kissed you again, as if trying to devour you. One of his rough hands slid up your dress, the other kneading your breasts through the thin fabric. 

You didn’t kiss him back. You didn’t squirm. You laid there, pressed into your bed. Jay forced his tongue into your mouth and let you choke on it. The hand had disappeared up your dress was now sliding your panties down, down your legs. Pushing your dress up to reveal your naked pussy, Jay broke the kiss, a string of saliva connecting your lips. He looked into your eyes. 

“You’re mine,” he said, unbuckling his belt. “You know that?” 

The words sent a flurry of goosebumps across your body. “What?”

“I said, you’re mine.” Jay held his belt in his hands and glanced at your wrists, then your face. He tossed the belt to the side and pushed your dress even further up your body, giving him access to your tummy. He spread his hand across it, rubbing it in a circular motion.

“You hate me.”

“I despise you.”

“Why would you want to have someone you hate? That doesn’t make any sense.”

“It doesn’t have to,” Jay said before spitting into his right hand. His other hand yanked his zipper down and took his cock out. It was almost scary to look at: long and angry with a reddened tip and a slight curve. He pushed your legs apart harshly. As if it were a chore, Jay stroked his cock a few times as he lined himself up with your pussy. 

With a grunt, he plunged himself inside of you, piercing through your thin membrane ruthlessly. You bit your lip to stop yourself from crying out, but it was painful. It was a searing heat that licked at your walls, down to your core. Jay didn’t bottom out, thankfully, but he was already lingering dangerously close to your cervix. He was already panting, his hands gripping your hips as he tried to catch himself. His silver cross necklace dangled in your face, so close you could twirl it around your finger. 

Just as soon as you were getting used to the strange feeling of having a cock jammed in your cunt, you heard Jay’s husky voice. “Fight back,” he whispered before pulling out and slamming back inside of you. Your eyes were trained on Jay’s, and he captured and held your gaze. He thrusted again, harshly, and the slick noise made you realize that you were wet. “You’re just letting me do this,” Jay continued, starting to develop a deep, irregular pace. Quarter notes of hard snaps of his hips, allegrisimo sixteenth-notes of incessant pounding. “Letting me take this pussy. Come on, struggle or I’ll think you want it.”

Jay continued slamming into you, leaving little half moons on your hips from his fingernails. His head dipped down to your neck, and he bit and sucked on a small spot near its base. A hickey. Jay licked a stripe up to the right of your neck and marked you there as well.

You felt wildly conflicted. You didn’t want this, you didn’t ask for this, and it felt odd. Yet at the same time, you felt so full. Every time he drove his cock into you, you felt like you would tear apart. Pain and pleasure coalesced into something you couldn’t comprehend.

Jay’s words devolved into grunting as he thrusted faster and faster. Somehow, the look on his face didn’t seem to display pleasure, or even schadenfreude. He stared at you through darkened eyes and his nose was scrunched.

“You’d let me do anything to you,” Jay said, almost accusingly. “Anything.” With another thrust, you feel something hot and fluid fill your womb, and soon the acrid smell of urine floats into your nostrils. 

Jay stares into your face, waiting for a reaction, searching your face for any weakness. When he finds none, he lets out a strangled groan of frustration and begins slamming into you wildly. He lifts your legs up, gripping them by your thighs, and takes your pussy with the aggression of an animal. “I made you a piss-whore, a dirty fucking piss whore. Aren’t you mad? Aren’t you angry? Are you a fucking robot?” He punctuated his insults with angry thrusts; you could hear the sticky amalgamation of piss and your own cum making squelching noises. You reach for the sheets beneath your hands and search for any purchase. 

Jay let out one final, irate grunt and spilled inside of you, shooting his cum all the way to your cervix. He dropped your legs back onto the bed and rested on top of you, your head between his arms. You had seen a lot of expressions on Jay’s face: anger, frustration, pride, sadistic glee, but this was something else. Something you couldn’t read. You made eye contact with him again, and he pulled out of you, staggering to his feet. He shoved his cock into his boxers and started to dress again. 

Jay opened your door, but before he did he cast one last lingering look at you as you laid on your bed. You looked a sight:forehead shining with sweat, two bright, stinging hickeys on your neck, and a pool of piss, cum, and blood oozing from your pussy onto your bed. Hurriedly, as if someone had ordered him to do so, Jay pulled out his wallet and tossed a flurry of bills on your nightstand. “Get something to eat,” he muttered before leaving, slamming your door.

Your fingers crawled down your stomach and dipped your fingers into your vaginal entrance, mimicking the stretch that Jay had given you.

As you rested there, staring at the ceiling, you decided to determine what had happened. The simple answer was that you had been raped. Could you enjoy rape? You didn’t feel like a victim. You didn’t feel like something horrible had happened to you. If you were being honest, this had been the most interesting thing that had occurred in your life. No one had ever felt so strongly about you in any capacity, and it thrilled you. Jay’s hatred invigorated you, made you feel warm.

It filled you.

You plunged your fingers into your vacant pussy and allowed yourself to moan. 

-

You woke up with a heavy body and a foggy mind. For some reason, you thought that you had woken up at Yeonjun’s party, surrounded by a pile of bodies. Instead, you woke up alone, wearing a clean nightgown. A nightgown? Hadn’t you been covered in bodily fluids last night, dressed in an outfit that Isa had picked for you? And your sheets, they were pristine. You smoothed them down as if trying to find remnants of the night before. Had you made all of that up? And if so, from where? It all sounded unreal. Riding a golf cart in the middle of a storm, partying with the Karma Club, and losing your virginity to Jay…

That’s right. You weren’t a virgin anymore. Your first kiss, your first fuck, they were both Jay’s. You glanced at your nightstand, and you the smattering of bills laying on top of your book. You picked one of the bills up, a one hundred dollar bill. You didn’t even think most stores accepted one hundred dollar bills these days. Christ. 

The next thing to do was to check your phone. A dismal sight greeted you: the time was 4:52, you had nine missed calls and 32 messages to parse through. First, the missed calls. Five from Isa, two from Jake, and one from an unknown phone number. You called that one first, and it picked up on the third ring. 

“You’re alive,” Riki said through the phone. “Jesus. Everyone thought you died.”

“Why?”

“What do you mean, why? You’ve been asleep for over 12 hours,” he said. “Your room door was locked. Isa’s been driving herself crazy, and Jay isn’t helping- oh, yeah, Jay is back.” 

Yeah, no shit. “That’s crazy.”

“It is crazy. Been a stupid ass night. Jay won’t tell us where he went. And Jake’s been tweaking since the party.”

“Jake?”

Riki heaved a sigh. “Yup. He’s been pacing around and he has the temper of a chihuahua right now. He’s in Won’s room right now losing his shit. Swear to God, it almost isn’t worth it being KC sometimes.”

“Stressful night,” you commented blithely.

“Isn’t it? I’m on my way to the Stoker caf right now. I’m gonna fuck up a samosa."

“Enjoy it.”

“Oh, I shall.”

You hung up on Riki and groaned. With a degree of annoyance, you flicked through your texts. 

The ones from Isa were about what you had expected. Concerned “where are you” messages that made up the bulk of the 32 texts. Clearly, she got antsy when she was on molly. It was nice to have someone care, though. You didn’t text her back yet, lest she try to come see you. If you saw anyone right now, you thought that you’d explode. 

The texts you were truly apprehensive about opening were the ones from an unknown number. The message started with “hey, it’s jake”, which boded poorly. You steeled yourself and clicked on the text. 

hey, it’s jake. wanted to let you know that i had a lot of fun partying with you last night :) we gotta get you to the club sometime soon. you me isa and riki so isa won’t be third-wheeling

i hope i didn’t make things weird last night. i didn’t mean to rush you or anything.  i tend to think with my heart first instead of my brain, which makes me do stupid shit

not that kissing you was stupid

it was actually really nice

but i know that there’s been this longstanding situation between you and jay, and you probably don’t have the best opinion of us. i can’t blame you for that. and i know i probably haven’t done a very good job of expressing it, but i’m starting to have genuine feelings for you. been that way for a while, but it’s only now that i’ve gotten the chance to show it

so i got carried away

maybe it’s too soon idk but there’s something about you that’s different. i wanna get closer to you, and even if you don’t wanna pursue anything, i’d like to remain your friend

Hastily, you texted him: Let’s talk in person, later.

Not five minutes had passed before Jake texted you: sure, whenever you want. are you okay?

You: Yeah, you?

Jake: been better. did you just get up?

You: Yeah.

Jake: you sleep like a rock

You: It’s been a long night.

–

You surveyed the damage Jay had done to you in your full-length mirror. Two red hickeys staining your neck, fingerprint-shaped bruises on your stomach, a bruise on your hips, and scars like crescent moons littering your arm near your elbow from his nails digging into you. You found it pretty. 

Shrugging your nightgown on, you glanced at the money that was still on the nightstand. You hadn’t actually eaten anything since you had snacked with Isa. When you left your room, a hoodie covering your nightgown, you checked to see if the Fawcett restaurant was open. It was, but to your dismay Isa was sitting with a group of her friends. She looked exhausted. You remembered that you hadn’t spoken to her or responded to her texts, and you just couldn’t bear to face her right now.

You took the back exit out of the Fawcett building. Hazily, you remembered that Riki had talked about getting a samosa. You called him, and he picked up, making loud chewing noises. 

“Hey.”

“I’m coming to get a samosa. Is the coast clear?”

“Do you mean, is Jay in the cafeteria?”

“...Yeah.”

“Nah.”

“On my way.”

You hung up the phone and, for the first time, walked towards the Stoker dorms. To get there, you had to pass the library, and you made a note to get on the roof and smoke there. It had been nearly a week since the last time you had been able to puff away on a cigarette while you brooded. 

Upon entering, its opulence in comparison to the more modest dormitories was apparent. Why did a college dorm need marble tiles, a chandelier in the dining hall, and a plus red carpet lining the hallway? Unlike the other dorms, which were two story buildings, Stoker had three stories. This was despite being the dorm with the least amount of residents. The foyer faced a staircase that split into two, ultimately leading to the same area. To your right were the glass doors that led to the restaurant. 

As you walked towards the dining area, you looked for Riki. He should have been easy to find, considering his uncommon hairstyle and large stature, but you didn’t see him. 

The dining area was, thankfully, fairly sparse. You shuffled towards the short line for their restaurant, which was a sleek, modern eatery that sold a wide variety of dishes. As you scoured the menu, you heard thudding footsteps behind you. You didn’t bother turning around. 

“Riki tricked me,” you muttered, fingering the bills you had shoved into your hoodie’s pocket. 

“It’s what he’s best at,” Jay said, his breath tickling your neck. “Getting something to eat?”

You would have thought that such close proximity to him would have made you anxious. Instead, smelling his cologne brought a sense of familiarity. Jay teased you, you were the victim. The nature of the universe. “Yeah.”

“With my money?”

“Yeah.”

Jay chuckled. “Well, look at this. I fucked you, you’re using my money…it’s like you’re my girlfriend.”

You turned to look at Jay. He retained his cocksure attitude, but something was different about him. “Don’t you already have a girlfriend?”

He frowned, crossing his arms. “Who?”

Was he an amnesiac? “Isa.”

“Isa?” he asked incredulously. 

“Yeah?”

“Isa,” Jay repeated with a scoff. “No. No, I’m not dating Isa.”

“Tell her that,” you replied.

“I should. Bitch stole my Jane’s Addiction t-shirt,” he muttered. 

“So take it back.” One of the people working beyond the counter politely told you to order, so you turned around and ordered a vegetable samosa, just like Riki. 

“I’ll have what she’s having,” Jay said, flashing his card and tapping it onto the reader.

Things were too amicable. You looked at the card reader, then at Jay, who was grinning at you wickedly. “What, no one’s ever bought you food before?”

“No.”

“Jesus fuck, you really are pathetic,” Jay said, his grin faltering. You walked over to the waiting area, next to the straws and condiments, and Jay followed you over. For a while, you fiddled with a packet of ketchup while Jay stood by, hands in his pockets. You had a million questions you wanted to ask him, but none of them felt suitable for a spot like this, out in the open. 

“Did you tell Riki?” you asked finally.

“Tell him what?” You stared at him pointedly. “What, that we fucked? No. Haven’t told anyone. Wasn’t planning on it.”

“Not even Isa?”

Jay sighed, resting his head on the wall. “No, I’m not going to tell Isa.”

You nodded, feeling a sudden chill. In hindsight, you should have worn a jacket, but you weren’t thinking straight at all. 

“You cold?”

“A little,” you said.

“It’s November, you should have worn a jacket,” Jay said, shaking his head. “Pathetic and dumb…”

When your samosas were ready, Jay got them from the counter. He handed yours to you without a word, so you accepted it quietly. You walked over to an empty table. Like everything else in Stoker, it was needlessly ostentatious. White tablecloths for a college dorm cafeteria? 

Jay sat next to you without prompting. You didn’t know why he was acting so chummy, but you decided to take advantage of it. You decided to ask him one more question. 

“Why’d you do it?” you asked quietly.

Jay waited until he had finished his bite of food before speaking. “Jesus, you’re talkative today,” he grumbled. “I almost miss when you were mute.” 

You sat there and ate your samosa, flicking the crumbs off of the tablecloth. 

“Because I wanted to,” Jay said. He opened his mouth to continue speaking, but a shadow hovered over both of you. When you turned to look at the source of the obstruction, you saw Jake, dressed in his Sad U sweatshirt. His hair was messy, as usual, and he looked exhausted. You chewed your samosa and stared at him.

“Hey,” Jake said, mustering a small smile. “Riki said you were over here.”

Of course he did. “Yeah, Fawcett’s caf is closed,” you said. 

Jake nodded, his hair bouncing. “Wanted to what, Jay?”

Jay looked at Jake inquisitively. “What?”

“You said ‘because you wanted to’,” Jake said, and he began pressing his knuckles against the table. “Wanted to what?”

“Oh, that,” Jay said jovially. “I was talking about last night. I fucked her until she bled and she liked it. Didn’t you, sweetie?”

“Shut the fuck up,” Jake said; his knuckles turned white and his voice was low.

“She was so wet,” Jay continued, putting his samosa on a paper towel. “And she purred like a kitten. The only problem was that she was tight as a bitch. I couldn’t even get my dick out of her.”

Jake slammed his hand on the table. “Fucking stop!”

Jay turned to you, his voice becoming polite. “See, Jakey here is having flashbacks. He hasn’t gotten laid in a long time. The last time he fucked a girl, was, well…”

Jay’s head snapped back as Jake landed a punch squarely on his cheek. You caught the smile burgeoning on Jay’s face before he stood up.

“Look at Jakey, trying to be a real man in front of a girl,” Jay said, dodging Jake’s wild punches. “You weren’t so brave last year.” 

Jake lunged for Jay’s throat and they tumbled to the ground. This was fun and all, but you didn’t really sign up for this. “Jake, stop,” you said, mainly because you felt like you had to.

“He’s always saying vile shit about you,” Jake said, holding Jay’s arms above his head. “This isn’t the first time he’s said gross, fucked up shit like that.”

Jay kneed Jake in the ribs with a gleeful smile, causing Jake to momentarily let go of Jay’s hands. The thought of getting in there and trying to pry them apart seemed funny, but it also repulsed you greatly. You got to your feet, took your samosa, and walked away from the dining hall. Whatever history Jay and Jake had, it went beyond you. You felt like you were a pawn in someone else’s game. 

When you got to the doors of the dining hall, Riki was posed in front of them, recording the fight with his phone. He smiled at you, shut his phone off, and pocketed it. “Pretty cool, right?”

“You tricked me,” you said, pointing at him with your samosa. 

Riki took a bite out of your meal. “I told you,” he said through a garbled mouthful, “I love starting shit.”

You couldn’t deny that he was an honest liar. You tucked yourself into a corner and watched Jay and Jak attempt to maul each other. 

You ate your samosa while Riki spoke. “You didn’t try to break up the fight?”

“Why bother?”

Riki craned his head towards your pastry again, so you held it up to him. “They say that indifference is the greatest form of contempt.”

“Thanks for the life lesson, Girl Meets World,” you deadpanned.

He snorted and wiped crumbs from his mouth. “I think I’m starting to understand why Jay is so obsessed with you.”

“Yeah? Why?”

Riki looked down at you and gave you an odd, almost solemn smile. “I think you’re the only person who cares less about life than him.”

–

You needed a smoke. Badly. Ideally, you’d like to be put into a 3-day medically induced coma, but a smoke would suffice for now. 

Unfortunately, life wouldn’t award you that kindness. As you sat in your room, debating on just opening the window and having a sneaky cigarette inside, you heard a knock on the door. A groan slipped from your lips before you opened it.

There stood a battered Jake. Split lip, one puffy, red cheek, and an eye that was swelling. “Jay looks worse,” Jake said with a small laugh. You knew that wasn’t true. “Can I come in?”

You nodded and gestured for him to sit down. He sat on the edge of the bed, resting his hands on his jeans as he gathered his thoughts. You locked the door and sat next to him. 

“I wanted to apologize,” Jake said, licking the fresh wound on his lip. “I acted…I wasn’t acting like myself. I was just so angry that he said those things about you, and it just…”

“It’s fine,” you said, looking down at your hands. 

“Thanks,” he said, sounding relieved. Then he frowned again as he glanced around your room. “Listen, uh…you heard Giselle talk about the Mina thing, right?”

“Yeah,” you said carefully. “I don’t know what it is, though.” 

“Wow. Riki kept his mouth shut for once? Impressive. Well…I figure, if we’re going to be friends, I should be honest with you. This is gonna be kind of heavy, so you know, we can save this for another time, or something…”

“I’ll be fine,” you said. “Go ahead.”

Jake cleared his throat and stared at the ceiling. “Well, last year I had a thing with this girl, Mina. She was…she was really shy. Cute. Artsy. She sort of reminds me of you, in some ways, but she wasn’t as mature as you are. Mina was kind of flighty, you know? She always did whatever she wanted.

“We had the same philosophy class, which is how we met. We sat next to each other, and we would talk during class. So we started hooking up, and you could say that we got pretty close. So, earlier this year, in April, I took her to this KC party. Mina wasn’t the biggest party girl, but she liked to take dabs and chill. The others didn’t mind me taking her, so she came with me.” Jake swallowed and glanced at you before returning his attention to the ceiling.

“We had both had a bit too much to drink, so I took her upstairs to my dorm room. And then…I suggested that we fool around a little. And, well, I got a little…I’m pretty rough. It’s not anything bad, it’s just how I like it. She liked it too. It was one of the reasons why we got along so well back then. So I was rough that night, but she liked it. She was definitely acting like she liked it. I don’t know what happened. The morning after, she was freaking out. She was pointing at all the bruises and calling me…she said that I…” Jake rubbed his chin harshly. “It was all bullshit. I don’t know why she didn’t just break up with me instead of trying to ruin my life like that. She spread that shit over the school, she tried…she tried to sue me. All because I wanted to have fun with my girlfriend.”

You waited for him to mention the suicide attempt, but he never did. Instead, Jake let the silence linger, and it was suffocating. 

“Thank you for telling me,” you said, and to drive your point home, you gently touched his arm. Jake looked down at your hand and smiled. 

“I thought you should know,” he said softly. “I wanted you to know.” Jake leaned back on his hands and sighed. “Feels so great to get that off my chest.”

You nodded, rubbing his arm gently, mentally reviewing all of the information you knew. 

“You know what I love about you?” Jake said. “You’re such a good listener. I feel like I can talk to you about anything.”

“I’m glad,” you said.

“Hey.” Jake grasped the hand on his arm and squeezed it tightly. “I meant it, you know. I do like you, but I’m willing to wait, or even just be your friend. It’s all up to you.”

Jesus. How did regular people deal with this? You looked at your conjoined hands as you tried to come up with something to say. “I’ve never even had a friend,” you said slowly, “so this will take a while.”

“I’ll wait,” Jake said earnestly, his eyes glittering. 

“I’ll need those free smoothies first.”

He laughed. “Yeah, of course. Of course, I’ll hook you up. Let’s head to Stopkewich on Monday, yeah? After the library?”

“Sounds like a plan.”

Jake reluctantly let go of your hand and stood up. “I’m gonna go to the health clinic,” he said, jerking his thumb at his eye. “Can’t have this ruining the masterpiece.”

“Be careful,” you said, walking him the short distance to the door. 

“Will do,” Jake said with a wide grin. “See you, Wednesday.” 

As soon as he left, you pulled out your phone and texted Riki.

You: I need Jay’s number.

Riki: why lol

You: It’ll be interesting. I might plant more seeds of strife between your two friends.

Riki: be careful w that

Riki: there’s a delicate balance to shit-stirring

Riki: u can’t do too much of KC will be ruined 

Riki: *or

Riki: like u can’t tell jay some shit that’ll make him hate jake 

Riki: they should hate each other but ntm yk?

You: You’re full of sage advice.

Riki: ikr 

Riki gave you Jay’s number, and you texted him: We need to talk.

Fifteen minutes later, he responded.

Jay: ask nicely.

You didn’t know why you bothered.

You: Never mind. 

Jay: you need to learn how to swallow your pride sometime, you know that?

Jay: thought you would have gotten humbled last night.

You: It wasn’t nearly that transformative an experience.

Jay: god, you’re a cunt. 

Jay: i hope you aren’t getting clingy on me 

Jay: hate it when girls do that

You: You don’t have to talk to me again after this.

Jay: now you’re being dramatic 

Jay: where did you want to meet? your room again? 

You: Rooftop of the library at 11.

Jay: you text like a hitman

Jay: see you then

–

You were on the rooftop at 10:50, finally enjoying your cigarette. You breathed in the smoke, enjoying the subtle burn, and sighed. The rooftop was damp, so you bunched your coat under your butt and sat on it. The air was chilly, but you didn’t mind. You were focused on getting answers.

Shortly after you had finished your first cigarette, Jay sat down next to you, under the awning of the rooftop. It was hard to see his face in the darkness, the only light source being the full, luminous moon. Judging from the little you could see, you could tell that Jay had gotten the upper hand in the fight. “I didn’t know you smoked,” Jay said. 

You stubbed your cigarette out on the roof and shrugged. 

“I could use a smoke,” Jay said. “What do you smoke?”

You pulled another cigarette out of the pack and placed it between your lips. “Marlboro Lights.”

“You smoke lights? You’re as pussy as your boyfriend,” he said, holding his hand out. “What are you staring at? Give me one.”

You handed him a cigarette and lit your own. Jay leaned towards you, cigarette hanging from his lips, so you lit his own as well. 

The both of you sat there, taking long, peaceful drags. You closed your eyes as you smoked, relishing in the quiet. Jay’s presence didn’t bother you, either.

“I take it you didn’t bring me here to smoke with you,” he said after a while. 

“No,” you said. “I want to know about Mina.”

Jay coughed before barking out a sarcastic laugh. “Mina?”

“Giselle mentioned her at the party last night,” you said, taking another drag. “Jake got weird when Giselle said her name…”

“Giselle has such a big mouth,” Jay said. “Don’t know why Heeseung keeps her around.” He took another hit from his cigarette and looked out at the skyline. “You wanna know what happened with Mina? I’ll tell you what happened with Mina.

“Jake doesn’t know how to pick a decent girl to fuck, that’s his problem. He’s obsessed with finding some girl with mental problems and rehabilitating her using the healing power of his 2 incher. So if you thought he liked you for your stunning personality, then I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news. He likes you because he thinks you’re weak. Mina was even worse, though. She thought she was special because she liked listening to indie music and smoking weed and having crystals and taking Seroquel. Jake loved that shit, though.

“So we had this party in Sunoo’s room. His room is on the top floor, so everyone kind of just spreads out anyways, out into the halls…you don’t care about any of this. Anyways, it was a small party and Jake brought Mina. They fucked in his room and the next day she was saying that Jake raped her.”

“Did he?”

Jay scoffed. “Who knows? The point is that he freaked out at her. Jakey is really conscious about his image. He likes being ‘the nice one’, so he’s always pretending like he’s not as fucked as the rest of us. So he lost his shit, started spreading rumours, dragging her name through the mud. It was pretty funny, but like I said, she was already fucked in the head. 

“So she called Jake one night, like a month after the party, and she’s hollering, saying all kinds of crazy shit. She said…” Jay took a long drag of his cigarette before stubbing it out. “That she was in the bathroom at her dorm, Fawcett. That she was going to take a shit ton of pills and kill herself and put him in her note, yada yada. I thought it was the usual borderline personality ‘please give me attention’ routine, so I was laughing about it, but Jake was tearing himself up. He was too pussy to go over there, so I had to do it.

“You ever seen someone overdose? Mina’s body was twitching and she was literally foaming at the mouth. I had to make sure that she didn’t knock her head against a sink and crack her skull open. I had to sit there and wait while Jake sat in his room with his thumbs stuck up his ass. She stopped breathing at one point, so I had to give her CPR. After that, she left the school.” 

You looked down at your hands. “What’d she overdose on?” 

Jay stared at you. “What, why does that matter? A girl almost died in front of me. Fuck, I was there when they had to give her naloxone. She probably overdosed on her stupid antipsychotics, who gives a shit?” He sighed and rubbed his eyes. 

“Were you scared?”

“Scared? No, I wasn’t scared. I was just…pissed. Pissed that Jake sent me to clean up after his problem.”

You let out a long trail of smoke, and the two of you fell silent again. The air felt thick now, heavy with tension. 

“You know, I didn’t even like it,” Jay said after a while. 

“Like what?” You stubbed out your own cigarette and pulled another one out of your pack. You didn’t normally smoke this much, but you felt as though you were making up for the nights you had missed. 

“Pass me another cig?” Jay opened your mouth, so you put the cigarette in and lit it for him. “I didn’t like fucking you.” He let out a long trail of smoke and leaned his head against the wall. “Physically, it felt good, but I didn’t get what I wanted from it.”

“What did you want?”

Jay chuckled. “What did I want? What I wanted…I wanted to feel something different, besides the way I feel every single day.”

You blew smoke out of the corner of your mouth. “And how do you feel?”

“Nothing. I don’t feel a damn thing.”

“Maybe,” you began drolly, “you should try having sex with someone you like.”

“Won’t happen,” he said. “I don’t like anyone.”

“So what about Is-,”

Jake groaned and pointed his cigarette at you. “Isa, Isa, Isa. You know what her problem is? She thinks she can change me. I don’t get it. She gets with me, and then she’s like, ‘Jay, hold my hand in public!’ ‘Jay, can you text me good morning?’ ‘Jay, can you take me to Nobu?’ I hate that. All those bullshit romantic gestures. They’re not me, and I don’t know why she thinks I would change for her. I can’t change, and I won’t change for anyone.”

You didn’t speak, so Jay continued talking. “I don’t think people can change, you know. I think whatever you show is who you are. When people ‘change’ because they get a little money, that’s just them expressing what they couldn’t before. It’s not that rich guys are all pedophiles. Every poor family has an uncle that likes touching kids. It’s already in you, and it’s just a matter of whether or not you have the means to express it.”

“I don’t think so,” you said quietly. 

“No? Please, enlighten me with your personal philosophy, Ms. ‘I’ll Let My Boyfriend Get beat Up Cause I’m So Aloof.’”

You sucked in a breath of smoke and blew it out slowly, watching the delicate tendrils evaporate into the night air. “I think if a person no longer believes a fundamental truth, then they change. If a child no longer thinks that they’re safe in their house, then they’ll change their behavior.”

“Yeah,” Jay said, “but they still have the capacity to do so. It’s still in their ability to change.”

“Well, change is a conscious decision. You’re saying that people can’t change, I think they can.”

“Quite an optimistic take from the gloomiest bitch in Sad.”

You shrugged. “I never said people always changed for the better.”

“I guess not.” Jay smoked his cigarette quietly for a minute before saying, “You think your boyfriend changed, or do you think he always had it in him to drive a woman to suicide?”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” you said. 

“Ooh,” Jay said mockingly, “what are you going to do if I call him your boyfriend?”

You held your cigarette up, grinning. “I’ll put this out on you.”

Only the faintest of Jay’s features were visible in the darkness, but you could see his lips contort into a slight smile. “I dare you.” He took his jacket off, tossing it to the side, and rolled up his thin long-sleeve. “Do it.”

“It’s too dark,” you said.

 In response, Jay took your hand and pressed it on a spot near his elbow. “Right here,” he whispered. “Right here.”

When had you ever denied Jay of a request? You took your dying cigarette from your mouth and ground it into his arm. At first, you did it slowly, but as he hissed, you twisted the cigarette in. If you listened closely, you could hear the flesh searing. A quiet moan escaped Jay’s lips, a sound that made you feel a familiar warmth. When the cigarette was all but ash, you flicked the remaining butt away. 

“My turn,” Jay whispered. Cigarette clamped between his lips, he reached out and zipped your jacket all the way down. You pulled it off yourself, placing it near his own. Jay gently pushed you onto the roof, so that you were staring up into the sky. With warm hands, he pulled your sweater up, exposing a strip of your bare, tender skin.  You lifted your head up so you could see his movements. One hand held your stomach, his thumb idly swiping at it. The other hand was lowering the cigarette onto your flesh. 

It stung and burnt. You felt no shame in letting out a yelp of pain, but Jay kept going. Good. You wanted him to burn you completely, to leave a scar. You felt that heat grow within you, spreading from your core to your heart to your neck. Jay dug the cigarette into your skin the same way you had done to him. He tossed the butt aside. Then he licked the wound, his cool tongue acting as a balm against the searing pain. Jay swirled his tongue around the circular scar, and you whimpered. 

“You like that?” Jay whispered, both hands running up and down the side of your body.

You hated to lie. “Yeah.”

“Then get to work.” He sat up, so that he was on his knees. You lifted yourself off of the ground as well. Your lips met his expectant mouth, and he tasted like ashes. Jay’s hands remained on your waist, stroking you lightly. It was the first real kiss you had ever initiated, and you weren’t entirely sure where to put your hands. Jay picked up on your apprehension and guided your hands down to his belt.

It was difficult, getting his belt off in the darkness, but you managed to figure it out. “Touch me,” Jay said. 

“How?” 

“Just…” Jay sighed. He placed one of his hands over yours and showed you how to rub him over his pants. “Like that. You don’t have to touch it directly right now.” With that, he resumed kissing you, leaving you to palm his crotch. It was fascinating, feeling his cock harden under your hand like that. You applied a little more pressure, and Jay groaned into your mouth. “Yeah, like that.”

You felt his fingers dance over your knees, along your thighs, and pause by your panties. “No one’s ever touched you here, right?” he asked, whispering against your ear. “Like this?”

“Just me,” you said quietly. 

“I didn’t think you fucked yourself,” Jay said quietly. “How often?”

“Depends…” As you talked, Jay had started to rub your engorged clit through your underwear. 

“Mm. What do you think about?”

“I don’t know,” you said. Your head felt like it was filled with cotton. 

“Keep rubbing me,” Jay whispered. “Don’t slack off, now. Tell me what you think about when you’re cumming your pretty little head off.”

“I read…erotica,” you admitted quietly.

Jay laughed, but it didn’t sound as cruel as it usually did. “Of course you do. You read those bodice-rippers where the innocent little maiden gets pounded by some asshole while she cries, ‘No, no!’, right?”

You bit your lip, and he stroked your clit faster. “Don’t get shy on me now,” Jay said, “we were really getting somewhere. So you fuck yourself to books like that? Do you imagine yourself as the innocent little maiden, is that it? Hoping someone will just push your legs apart and fuck you? Is that what the prude thinks about?”

You didn’t speak, so Jay removed his fingers. “Tell me,” he muttered. “Tell me and I’ll let you cum. Tell me the truth.”

Rationality had left you long ago. You used to look down upon people who would throw away their lives and relationships for quick pleasure, but now all you wanted was for Jay to drive you to the edge, make you cum. “If you’re really good,” Jay whispered, “I’ll fuck you slow this time. I’ll be real gentle.”

“I do,” you said, wincing at your own weakness. “I do imagine myself as her. I want someone to…”

Jay kissed your lips once, twice, three times. “Say it,” he said, two of his fingers stroking your clit at an excruciatingly close pace. 

“I want someone to fuck me,” you said finally. 

“Of course you do,” Jay said, still teasing you. “You liked it when I fucked you, right? You liked that I took what I wanted from you. Admit it.”

If Jay was right regarding his fatalistic theory about humanity’s inability to change, then you were fucked. You hated to believe that this simpering desperation had been inside of you the entire time. “I liked it,” you said, head bowed.”

Jay removed his fingers again, and you looked at him with wide, confused eyes. “You said you’d let me cum.”

“Yeah,” Jay said, lowering his jeans, “you’re going to cum on my dick, and you’ll like it. You loved it last time.”

You tugged your panties down, wincing at the wet, shlicking noise they made. “Just let me do everything,” he said. His voice was uncharacteristically soft. 

Once more, your back hit the cool cement of the rooftop. Jay pulled your panties off completely, tossed them aside, and parted your legs. “Close your eyes,” he whispered. 

His cock teased your entrance before he plunged himself inside. Jay fucked your pussy shallowly this time, allowing himself to enjoy it. “Fuck, fuck, that’s good.” It was so much better now that you were wet. Instead of a harsh intrusion, it was more like a pleasant, warm fullness. You ached for him to go deeper. 

“More,” you murmured, and you heard Jay laugh. 

“More? You don’t want me to be gentle? You don’t want me to treat you with kid gloves?” Jay pulled his dick out of you completely, and you shook your head. 

“No, no, I want more, I want it…please.”

“Please,” Jay said, like it was the first time he’d ever heard the word. “Please. You’re killing me.” 

Jay slammed his cock inside of you, hitting you at an angle that made you see stars.  He gathered your wrists in one hand and held them above your head; the other hand braced itself beside you. Every thrust made you gasp with pleasure.

“Jake would fucking…kill himself…if he saw this shit,” Jay grunted, rutting his hips against yours. He was rough, just like the first time. He could hardly talk, speaking through gritted teeth. “If he saw his little crush in a fucking, fucking mating press…fuck…” 

Your gasps had turned into moans as he thrusted inside of you. You wished you could cover your mouth, but Jay still had your wrists pressed against the concrete. You bit your lip instead, trembling as you felt Jay tease the hard muscle of your cervix. You had never managed to get a good look at his cock, but you figured it had to be big. From the way he made Isa choke, to the way he was close to bottoming out. 

Jay used his other hand to squeeze your face. “No, you don’t,” he heaved. “You’re gonna moan for me. Moan like…like a whore. Like a good fucking whore.” 

The second you opened your mouth, you let out another desperate cry. “You love this,” Jay said, under your sweater. He groped your tits painfully, squeezing them like they were inanimate objects. “You love being treated like this, don’t you?”

“I do,” you gasped out. “I like it, Jay.”

“You love it.” He let go of your wrists, grabbed your hips, and moved you up and down his cock himself. With your free hands, you braced yourself on the ground. You could barely take it, but you loved the feeling of being pushed to the edge. 

“Close,” you panted out.

“Fuck,” Jay said. “Come with me.”

“Where?”

Jay paused, ever so briefly, before laughing. It was the first time you had ever heard him genuinely laugh; he tossed his head back and let loose as he held your hips. “You goofy bitch,” he said, pulling out of you. “Nearly made me lose my orgasm.” You let out a nervous laugh, unsure of what to do next. 

He sank deeply inside of you again, but he couldn’t stop giggling. “Where,” Jay muttered. You couldn’t bear to have him tease you anymore, so you kissed him. He reciprocated, slipping his tongue into your mouth. Soon, Jay had built up the same speed, and his kisses moved to your neck. 

“Gonna cum,” he warned, “where do you want it?”

“Inside,” you said, reaching down to play with your clit. 

“Right answer,” Jay said. He drove his cock to the hilt, frantically chasing his orgasm. You weren’t far behind, chills dancing all over your body. “Fuck, fuck, yes, fuck, yes, yes, fuck!”

You came mere seconds after he did, your pussy gripping him tightly. Your back arched as you let out a series of moans. They echoed into the night sky; everyone in Stoker could probably hear you.  You shuddered as you felt yourself clench around his girth over and over again. His hot cum painted your walls, and when you opened your eyes you saw Jay jerking himself off inside you, draining his balls. 

Jay rolled away from you, gasping. “Jesus fuck. I haven’t had a nut like that in…months.”

You crawled over to your jacket and collapsed on top of it. Jay joined you soon after, lying down on his own coat. If you spoke, you felt like you would make everything real. You shivered, both from the lingering aftershocks and from the chill outside. You realized that you had spent the last 4 nights running around storms and hurricanes. It was a wonder you hadn’t come down with hypothermia. 

“Cold?” Jay asked. You nodded, and Jay put his arm around you loosely. He rubbed your arm noncommittally before simply resting his hand on your skin.  

You stared at the night sky; Sadame wasn’t in the country, but it was far enough from the major cities that you could see a decent amount of stars. 

“There’s the North Star,” Jay said, pointing. “And that’s the big Dipper.”

You shifted to look at him. “You like stargazing?”

“Used to,” he said, facing you. “When my parents would fight, I would leave the house….head to the park near my house and lie on a hill. I’d lie on the grass there and just stare at the stars for hours.”

“You never got scared?”

“Nah,” Jay said. “They were scarier than whatever was out there.”

“When my parents fought, I would just read books,” you said. “I got good at blocking them out.”

“Hm. Where are your cigs?”

“One second.” You rummaged through your jacket’s pocket and procured your cigarettes and lighter. Jay took a cigarette, put one in his mouth and one in yours. He took your lighter and gestured for you to lean in. Jay lit both of your cigarettes at once and tossed you the lighter. 

Jay took a long drag and blew the smoke into the air. “What kinds of books did you read?”

You didn't have to think. “Mm…I liked fantasy books. Sci-fi. Anything different from reality. I liked Animorphs, too, actually.”

Jay chuckled. “Really? Those books with the covers of the kids turning into antelopes and shit?”

“Yeah,” you said. “They were pretty good. I was so envious of them, especially Rachel. Imagine how cathartic it would be to be able to turn into an elephant and stomp around.”

“Was that a very common power fantasy for you?”

“It was.” You imitated the sound of an elephant, and Jay snorted.

“You’re doing it again,” he said quietly. 

The smile dropped off of your face. “Doing what?”

“Quit playing dumb,” Jay said. As if he had been shocked, Jay rose to his feet and hurriedly put his coat on. You couldn’t help the wave of disappointment that washed over you. So he was going to leave you alone again, even after that.

“It’s cold as hell out here,” he said in an irritated voice. “Put your coat on. Let’s go.”

“Where?”

“My room,” Jay said, jerking his head in the direction of Stoker. “I have a bottle of jack in there, if you aren’t tired.” He held his hand out, waving it impatiently. “Hurry up.”

Tomorrow, you would have to text Isa back. Tomorrow, you’d have to talk to Jake. Maybe you’d see Lily, get a smoothie. You’d go do your homework. 

Tomorrow, you’d have to reconcile with Mina’s story and how that would affect your burgeoning friendship with Jake. You'd have to figure out if Riki could be trusted in any capacity. You’d have to figure out what you were to Jay, and who Jay was to you. If you should be something to each other at all.

For today, you simply took Jay’s hand.

[inconveniently-discorporated]

My heart hurts so bad for Aziraphale because I can honestly just relate to him so, so, so much.

(not putting this one under a cut so warning season 2 ahead, I'll tag it at the bottom too)

Aziraphale says, "Nothing lasts forever," but I don't believe for a second he doesn't wish that it did.

He WANTS things to go back to how they used to be. He WANTS the seraphic Crowley squealing with joy as he cranks up the universal machine and sets the stars aflame. He WANTS there to be no sides, he WANTS to believe in the idea of the host united, he WANTS to go back before Crowley got himself in trouble by asking questions. He wants, I think, to be in that moment of creation and adoration forever.

Change seems to frighten him. There's an aspect of uncertainty. There's an element of chaos, the loss of control. I understand this deeply. And what the Metatron offered him was just that: certainty, control, the ability to dictate his own narrative.

I used to be in a toxic job. On top of it, I had intense anxiety and other undiagnosed neurodivergencies that made it even harder to fit in and understand the untold rules I was supposed to follow to get along. When I first got there, it wasn't so bad -- perhaps I was, like Aziraphale, also a bit idealistic. Then there were some changes that brought instability, significant more anxiety, and a lot of nights spent agonizing over my lack of control over it all.

My friends and significant other tried to convince me to leave, but I didn't want to. I didn't know what else was out there. I didn't know if it would be worse. I didn't know what kind of stability it would have.

Then my manager left, so that spot opened up. I had worked there for a long time, and honestly, I never saw myself going into management. I didn't think I could. I wasn't sure I even wanted to. All of that extra stress, on me? Not to mention, getting FURTHER into the job that was taking a massive toll on me? But then...

Then I would have control. Then I could run things the way *I* had always thought they should run. I wouldn't need to worry about who would replace my manager and whether my life would be a living hell -- I would make it what I wanted it to be. Upper management was really pushing for it, so I applied.

To make a long story short: I don't think it went very well. I didn't have the support I needed. I didn't have the emotional skills I needed. I think I did my best, but I'm not fond of those times. At the time, I was SURE that I wanted to move up even more, I was SURE this would make it all better. I thought this was what I REALLY wanted.

But that's not what I needed. What I needed was to get out, and eventually I did. Even as ready as I was to leave, it was absolutely agonizing. I could barely stand to handle the unknown. I was going to work together with my spouse, actually, and I was so excited for that, but I still... I still was upset and worried sick over the dramatic change that would befall my life, after I had made the decision to leave.

That's where I can relate to Aziraphale. I wonder what would've happened if, before I had actually left for good, the head honchos had come up to me and said, "We want to keep you -- how about we offer you (an even higher position)?" -- would I have said no, or would I have wanted to make a difference?

Funny, I said exactly that, too. That's almost why I didn't change jobs in the first place. I said, "But I feel like I'm really making a difference with what I'm doing now." But what pushed me over the edge was realizing that none of that mattered to them, it was all about THEIR control of ME, not the other way around.

I'm so intensely curious to see what happens with Aziraphale next, but I'm sure he will learn what Crowley understands: nothing lasts forever, and sometimes it's good that it doesn't -- even if sometimes we wish it did.

[melliemell]

Pairing: Fyodor x f!reader

Contents: SFW, intense making out on chairs, fluff. Approx 2.6k words

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Fyodor appeared to be engrossed in the bright screen before him, shoulders hunched as he bit at his thumb in thought. 

It was a sight you were steadily becoming accustomed to. At times you doubted he even heard you entering his “workspace”, but you knew him better. Fyodor was a lot more observant than he let on. 

There was no need to clear your throat or signal your arrival anyhow, you just saw his hand stretch out, ready to take the folder you brought for him, so you did just that. 

It was the usual routine as Fyodor flipped through its contents, eyes scanning carefully. Even as he looked exhausted. In fact, Fyodor always had an aura of perpetual tiredness around him, so it was hard to read whether it applied to his current state. The late hour made you impatient too, wishing you’d at least get to sleep off the few hours before sunrise. 

“I couldn’t get ahold of everything,” you said, keeping your voice even. “I’ve mapped out the building, so I’ll be able to retrieve the rest in quick time.” 

It wasn’t so much as finding the papers, but copying them swiftly without notice that prolonged your job this time. Fyodor liked everything as he planned it, and when something went awry, it wasn’t so much as him adapting to the new circumstance than having predicted it itself. 

Maybe that’s why you don’t feel worry now. He surely knew your capabilities–you’ve been doing these types of jobs for him for a while now–and you tried to be as strict with yourself as you could. Slip-ups happened, but there were rarely consequences for them. For you.

A thought to ponder over, indeed.

“I see. I would like to have it by tomorrow,” Fyodor said, glancing briefly at you, and smiled.

He always looked gentle, like this. A man who knew exactly what to say and when. All in service of getting what he wanted when he wanted it. It was easy to fall victim to.

You nodded, sensing the unspoken cue to leave. 

And you were… you were leaving– yes. Your legs were already turning as Fyodor drew his gaze back to the screen, his lips parting to bite at his thumb again. You didn’t know what it was about that gesture, but it left a feeling of discontent in you. 

And it kept on happening. Every time you came back, that small nagging voice in your head always guided your attention to Fyodor’s hands. For a man that seemed so easy to bodily harm, he had a knack for completely destroying his fingers. No wonder since he was a man of habit, but seeing that thoughtful look and calm demeanour combined with such an uncomely habit struck at your nerves. 

It even got to the point of genuinely considering going to an actual drugstore just to buy him some nail recovery polish. Or something. You suppose straight-up bandages would go a bit far, though Fyodor didn’t seem the type to be offended.

Honestly, it was so absurd you barely had any idea how he’d react to that.

It irked you even now, as he worked in on your regular intel again. Fyodor’s hands were pale, delicate things, way swifter than you had thought as he typed away on the computer, both of you hunched over and seemingly breaking into a government organization that should definitely have better defences. 

It was a slow procedure, but Fyodor’s focus didn’t waver once, just kept a steady pace of dedication you had grown to admire about him. If you had doubted him before, it was clear now, with every small precision and thoughtful act, his was not a game of chance, but planning. 

And he was prepared for everything.

A small beep emerged from the screen. Your brows creased. “That’s supposed to be good, right?”

“I wouldn’t label it quite like that, but yes,” Fyodor’s eyes narrowed as he drew his chair closer, forcing you to shift more of your weight on the armrest. Your back was beginning to ache. “It will take more time this way, unfortunately.”

You nodded. To be honest, you didn’t mind the proximity. It took some time but you were proud to say you’d won some form of trust in recent. Or at least felt like it wasn’t too much of a hassle to be in Fyodor’s personal space like this. He does have a penchant for stabbing people, so it’s good to have a guard up, just in case.

It grew boring just watching on as time went by. By now the screen looked more like it behaved by itself, with Fyodor hitting a key here and there. You rose up and stretched, feeling a few joints pop. “I can’t fathom how you have the patience for this, I feel like an old grandpa just by standing.”

Fyodor looked at you, eyebrow raised. “Exactly. You’re standing, and I’m not. Small wonders help a lot.”

You hummed in agreement. But it was still rather stuffy in this room, the only light coming from the technology. There could have been a sun peaking through if only there were any windows. “Not just that, you’ve positively entered your hermit era if you keep plotting in your dark dungeon like this.”

“Is that bad?” Fyodor asked, almost seeming thoughtful.

“Very.” You shifted, leaning your weight on the desk to have a better view of the man before you. 

“I’ll keep that in mind,” he said absently, head already turned to the screen.

Yeah, you doubted it. Not yet, at least. There was a lot more to be done before the next phase of his plane. You sighed, casting your gaze back to the screen. 

The sound of tapping returned and soon you were in a struggle between keeping a facade of concentrated composure, and forcefully stuffing away any daydreams of buying that damned nail polish.

But as with all things, getting stuck in your head usually lead to idiocy in the real world. Without much thought, just as the screen behind you flashed, indicating you’ve finally made it in, your hand gently reached out, catching Fyodor’s mid-typing, stopping him on the spot. 

He looked curiously down, blinking slowly.

You, on the other hand, were on the verge of chanting an inner mantra of stay calm stay calm stay calm and cool stay–

In moments like those, it was paramount to stand your ground. You touch remained firm, even if your pulse was rising by the second. Carefully, you turned his palm upwards, your fingers gently sliding along his skin as Fyodor tilted his head to the side. Observing. 

“Now this is unexpected,” he remarked, but didn’t move away, compliant even now. You wondered if his words were true. He was never surprised. 

You paid him no mind. Fyodor’s fingers shifted in sync with yours as you examined them, almost giving you more access to your curiosity. 

“I like your hands,” you said, calmly. Testing the waters seemed safer, for now. “You should take care of them. It doesn’t go well with the image you want to send out.”

“And here I thought having layers was more eye-catching.” Damn. Fyodor was teasing you, by the sound of his tone. Almost playful as he reclined back in his chair and relaxed. The complete opposite of how you felt. 

Forcing some semblance of control, you went on, “Not in the expanse of self-care. Really, I’m this close to booking you a manicure.” 

A light chuckle escaped his lips. “I’ll respectfully decline. But it does warm my heart to see your concern.” 

The weight of his gaze surprised you. It felt like being caged, every detail of your soul examined and studied in the blink of a second before his features softened into his usual pleasant smile. Amicable, and entirely fake.

You knew Fyodor was a man to keep your distance from. You’ve barely met any of his subordinates, yet even that small glimmer of information was enough to guess he wasn’t one to put his trust in others. 

Hell, he wasn’t one to hold yours in either.

But this moment now… those moments… watching Fyodor was interesting. Seeing what he would do– even more so.

You didn’t have time to second guess yourself. You wouldn’t let your hand stay in another’s hold if you weren’t entirely against it, would you? 

With that small confidence in tow, you–slowly, your full attention on Fyodor–moved his palm to the soft cushion of your lips. The kiss was scarcely there, shy of barely grazing his skin. It locked both of you in place, the build-up of something you weren’t entirely sure of engulfed the space in between. 

If you were more observant, you would have noticed how stiff Fyodor’s hand had become, barely a waver in it. He was waiting, letting you guide the situation for reasons only he knew. 

Your breath spilt against his skin as you said, “I wasn’t expecting to do this.”

“Weren’t you?” Fyodor’s brow raised. 

You felt your skin warming. “You’re not pulling away.”

“Hm. Neither are you.”

Those words, simple and direct. It felt like permission, but to what? The fear of reading into this wrongly crawled into your belly, but you already fell into this situation. Might as well try–

“I wanted to see what will happen,” you said, not prepared for the intense look in Fyodor’s eyes. A moment later– your breath stilled in your chest just as the slow caress of Fyodor’s thumb brushed against your lower cheek, unexpected,

“What was that English phrase about killing curiosity?” The chair’s wheels scratched at the floor as Fyodor moved closer, leaning his weight on one armrest as he cocked his head in thought. “It’s very similar to a Russian one, so it can be a bother to mix up.”

Your answer came automatically, mind entirely on where you ended yourself up in. “How curiosity killed the cat? Yeah, I know that one.”

Fyodor hummed, pleased. “Yes, exactly. It’s a good phrase. Though a bit cliche.”

“Well, does it?” You swallowed. Your eyes never left his, still locked in place.

“‘Does it’ what?” He asked. There was no trace of his smile now. Just attention. All drawn to you.

“Kill it?” You searched his face. 

“That is what you think of me? How cruel,” Fyodor said. His tone was playful still; you realised you liked it. Him. Like this.

Tentatively, you stood up. Life was about taking risks, right? “I can’t be blamed. You are hard to read.” 

You weren’t sure how far you could push him, but the sight of his face morphing into one of surprise as your hand found balance on his shoulder, a moment later your legs dangling from one side as you found yourself seated on Fyodor’s lap. It wasn’t ideal, with too little space and two bodies in it, but feeling Fyodor’s hand finding its way on your hip, almost drawing you closer in help to keep you in balance, you weren’t about to complain. 

You spun your head around, feining surprise. You forced your voice lower, hyper-aware of your newfound proximity. Faking being in control was pretty close to the real thing. Mostly. “Huh, curiosity can lead to some interesting circumstances.”

Nailed it.

“Indeed, you should be very careful with it,” Fyodor said. Despite his remarks, he leaned back again. The hand you held long left your cheek was now resting on the armrest, absently drumming into the plastic. 

Fuck.

“I’m… trying. I’m guessing it’s fine for me to do this?” You wiggled your legs, wondering what exactly you wanted out of this. This felt nice, but you were nowhere near being comfortable enough with Fyodor to speak as openly as you wanted. Maybe there was a plus to this, the unpredictability of it all. He seemed way more at ease than you would like. “Where exactly are we going with this?”

“Why, I’ll be following your lead. It’s been amusing so far, I want to see what you will do.” And the bastard smiled.

Not ideal. But you brought this on yourself. The thought of that glimpse of surprise on Fyodor’s face from earlier made heat pool at your face again. You wanted to see more. Do more.

You leaned in, face scrunching in thought as Fyodor only looked down at you, eyebrow raised, almost beckoning you. The proximity felt nice, but something was missing. You tilted your head in contemplation. 

“I think I want to kiss you.” 

He leaned closer, the perfect image of composure. “I see.” 

Your skin prickled, feeling his hand trail to your lower back, firm. 

“Then go ahead,” Fyodor said, and your brain froze.

It’s funny when you reflect on it now, but then– you distinctly remember hearing those words, and you remember that it wasn’t you who moved closer. Or not just you. Your memory jumbled together the moment Fyodor’s lips were on yours. Other sensations became dulled, almost distant, and only his warmth engulfed you. You don’t remember when your hands trailed up, but you couldn’t forget Fyodor’s soft exhale against your lips as your fingers brushed through his locks. The kiss wasn’t even open, and it already sent goosebumps all over your shoulders and back. 

It started slow, measured. You found yourself straddling him as the small, chaste kisses became heated, the warmth in your lower belly pooling as his hand held your face close to his. You’ve never been explored like this, Fyodor’s tongue licking its way into your mouth leisurely, prolonging every moment to its utmost.

“May I?” Fyodor whispered, his hand trailing down your neck and pushing the loose strands of hair away. Not that he needed to ask; you tilted your head, and his lips ghosted over your skin, their touch laden with so much gentleness you wondered where it all came from. 

Fyodor’s manners were easy to notice, but here, now, he made you melt right into his hold. Chest to chest, your hands caressing his hair, neck, shoulders– silently encouraging as you become accustomed to the slow intertwined rhythm of your bodies.

It was irresponsible– enjoying this as much as you did. You didn’t know where this would lead to, or how you’d look Fyodor in the face seeing as you’d still be his employee. The dynamic had switched, forcing you into a completely new territory you weren’t prepared for.

But all that flew out the window as your hand found the hem of Fyodor’s shirt, your fingers coming into contact with warm, smooth skin, and Fyodor’s quiet exhale as he buried his face deeper in the crook of your neck. 

“I’ll take that as encouragement, then.” You smiled, turning to kiss the side of his temple as your touch sent small shivers up Fyodor’s back, nails gently grazing at his skin. Whether he meant to say something in return… well, it seemed all thoughts were forgotten as you felt his muscles relax against you, body almost melting into yours.

You doubted he got to experience this often. Fyodor didn’t strike you as the type to go out of his way for affection– physical or otherwise. He reminded you of a cat, really, one that got too caught up in its self-sufficient world to realise it didn’t mind some tenderness when it was offered.

Fyodor might have craved it, even. You weren’t sure yet. 

You stayed like that for a long time, the dim light flashing from the screens left for the future to worry over. Fyodor’s lips found yours a few more times, each leaving you feeling warm and at ease, as your tongues moved against each other lazily, more a lover’s exploration than those heated kisses you were used to seeing in the movies. Your breath did not hitch, nor did you feel like your heart was about to burst with desire. 

No, you only felt Fyodor’s warm breath against your cheek, his lips pulling into a smile between chaste kisses as he pulled you even closer, hands firm around your waist as you squirmed now and then into a more comfortable position.

Chairs were not ideal places for this, but…

It wasn’t bad. It wasn’t bad at all.

[kozachenko]

[Click for better quality]

Ok yay I'm back from my vacation yipeeeeeee. I started this drawing of Keiki before I left and I was half considering just giving up on it.... until I did a short study of facial planes and then got motivated to work on this again! I'm glad I didn't give up on it though, as I'm actually really happy with this one!

Artist's Notes;

So as I mentioned in my last post about Touhou 17, I wanted to finish this by the game's five year anniversary but with how progress was going I didn't want to rush this so I decided to take a long break from it. Mainly because of the face. For a while now I was kind of feeling like I was stagnating with my drawings, not really in the clothing but in the bodies. There was something about the way I was rendering them that I just wasn't happy with, and after talking with someone else about this issue, I realized that the reason I felt this way was because the faces were too flat and didn't match the rest of the drawing and that I needed to find a way to make the rendering of the face feel consistent with everything else. So after doing a short study of the plains of the face (I used this 3D head model from art station as a reference for my short study, please go give this person some love as they are a lifesaver) I went back into this drawing and applied what I learned here. It was only after that that I finally became motivated to finish the piece, and while it started off as just a simple character sketch like Saki and Yachie's were, the moment I added in Keiki's little fire dragon I knew I had gotten in too deep and now here we are with a full on background. OK it's not super crazy or anything, but it gets the job done and it's better than there just being an empty void behind her. It's rare moments like this when I use brushes other than the Clip Studio Default Charcoal Brush and use the Clip Studio Default Paint Brushes as well (god bless the oil paint and dry gouache clip studio brushes, they were amazing). I don't know why but painting fire has always been really fun for me, there's something oddly satisfying about it y'know? I do think that another reason for this problem was because I was drawing faces like I would in my more sketchy style that didn't mesh well with my lineless style, so I'm glad I've started remedying that.

After adding in the fire dragon I had an idea to kinda make it feel like splash art in the way the composition works... probably because I have been playing Reverse 1999 again and it has taken over my brain. I do feel like Keiki's tools get a little lost in the composition, and I didn't fully render the metal parts of them mainly because I didn't feel like they needed it, but that's just something for me to improve on later down the line.

If you guys are wondering where I went for my vacation, I went to New York and got to go to the MET and the Museum of Natural History. In both places I found Kofun period stuff and I was so happy to see it you have no idea. I remember one of the Haniwa I saw had some neat face paint under the eyes that I tried to replicate with the makeup under Keiki's eyes in my drawing, though I think I'll gave to figure out how to draw makeup on characters because this reads more like blush to me than anything. While drawing this I also looked up some references of Kofun period jewelry and really liked the stuff I found, which also meant that now she has proper Kofun earrings instead of earrings shaped like Kofun tombs. I put some of the things I referenced with a closeup of Keiki's face as well down below. I made her outfit more reminiscent of the outfit I gave her at the beginning of the year with the buttons and all, though I do want to try and draw her in some more period accurate clothing like the Haniwa I took a picture of at the Museum of Natural History. I wish I could find a way to make her handercheif look better though as I wish I made it a little bit bigger, though I think I'm saying this because I've looked at this drawing for too long lmao. Once again something to work on for when I next draw her. Also want to get better at rendering hair, as some details (like the little strands in front of her ears) kinda got unreadable due to the similarities in colour lol.

Now you may have also noticed the little cracks I added onto Keiki's face, and that's because I have fallen in love with the idea of Keiki's body being made from ceramic and that she crafted her body herself. While they aren't very visible I also tried to add some doll joints to her body, which is an idea I played around with in the past but never went to far with. I also want to get better at rendering cracks in ceramic, porcelain, etc, as I'm not sure how those read in the drawing. I also have a headcanon where the cracks in Keiki's face show up because of heightened emotions, and while Keiki is aware of this and does her best to make sure her face doesn't break off.... she will still end up with at least a few cracks during any given day, and she can often forget to repair her own body quite frequently so Mayumi has to remind her quite a lot. Mayumi even taught herself some basic sculpting techniques to help repair parts of her body that are so badly damaged to the point where Keiki can't repair them herself, i.e. if both her arms broke off, Mayumi would put them back together for her so Keiki can at least have something to repair herself with rather than nothing. I also like to imagine that if Keiki created her own body, if you took a look at Keiki from the beginning of her life she would look completely different compared to now.

BTW If you guys are wondering what a very very angry Keiki looks like....ok in order for this to make sense have any of you read volume 11 of Land of The Lustrous? Am I bringing back some memories for those of you that have? Ok good, glad we all got that mental image brewing in our minds, I'll probably draw a version of Keiki that is somewhat inspired by that one day as it's an idea I've had for a little while now. And to those who haven't gotten to that volume yet and are confused.... don't worry about it, just keep reading :)

[p1utofairy]

PAC: “good karma my aesthetic. keep my conscience clear, that's why i’m so magnetic.” 🩰🍥🫧🪷

• what do you need to hear right now?

disclaimer ✩: take what resonates, leave what doesn't. i really appreciate y’all sm <3 for the patience, the love, the feedback and support. y’all are the greatest ever. i’m open to pac suggestions as well, so don’t hesitate to slide in my ask box! xoxo.

pile 1 ☂️ —

heyyy pile 1 ⭐️ what you need to hear right now is: release. relax and let go of any unhealthy attachments you may have to a certain person, place, idea or thing. i think you've been holding onto someone/something or the idea of what it could be/could’ve been. i pick up a feeling of yearning. you’ve been wanting something to work out in your favor, so you’ve been holding out…waiting to see if this situation will turn out how you anticipate. big 3 of wands energy. you’ve been waiting awhile now (i’m hearing weeks for some, months for others) for a clear answer. i think the more you wait around and stall things, the less likely things will go into motion. don’t chase, attract. remember that things will flow naturally to you and it’ll always work out in your favor no matter what — when one door shuts, several more will open. don’t put a time frame on it, you’ll get your answer/wish/clarity when you least expect. keep focusing on yourself and what you’re currently doing! whether that be going to school, work, the gym, studying, spending time with friends, etc. there’s a certain area in your life that you greatly want change to occur in, i’m heavily picking up for some that this is in regards to your love life, and again — i keep hearing that things will unfold in your favor when you least expect. very soon. you’re on the brink of something great, just don’t overthink it. relax, take a breath and just BE. your guides will handle the rest. love, prosperity and abundance are on the way to you. it just may not appear in the way you envision, which doesn’t mean it won’t happen at all. think about it this way, you might fantasize about coming across your dream person while you’re in a bookstore (on some ‘harry met sally’ type shit lol) so every time you go into a bookstore you’re kinda anticipating that to happen, but let’s say your busy at work or you’re frantically trying to prioritize doing your school work and studying and out of nowhere you look up and make eye contact with this person you’ve never seen before but you can feel the ✨vibe✨ like WHOA that’s…my person. i just see you being in your element when you meet this person pile 1, your mind will not be preoccupied/you will not have any precognitive thoughts — your person will just reveal themselves to you out of the blue. okay i feel like i’m getting carried away lol but everything’s gonna work out even better than you imagined pile 1 💗 trust that.

other channeled messages:

don't settle for less, pink + white by frank ocean, strawberry milkshake, chemtrails over the country club by lana del rey, leo sun, cancer moon, vedic astrology

pile 2 🦢 —

what's goodddd pile 2! i feel like you're in your self-love/healing era. you just bounced back from something and you did it with such resilience, ease and grace might i add. i'm hearing church girl by beyoncé, “i'm gonna love on me, nobody can judge me but me! i was born free.” okayyyyyy pile 2 i love this for y'all. i think some of you are really working on strengthening your throat chakra by speaking up for yourself and setting boundaries. just saw a meme that said “how i reclaimed the word ‘cunt’ by being one” OH WOW WOW WOW. i think you’re just over a lot of people and their bullshit, you may have just gotten out of a relationship, had a friendship breakup or recently left a job. good for you 💗whichever situation applies to you, i know it was draining and heavy on your shoulders. you finally feel like a weight has been lifted and you can spread your wings and be free. idk why i’m hearing some of you might be listening to a lot of lana del rey lately? (random but REAL af lol) i love that you know yourself at the core pile 2, you can’t fake it…if somethings not pleasing you or it’s not in your best interest, you know how to walk away and find something better. you don’t even know it, but you're inspiring to a lot of people. i think what you need to hear is: keep being your true authentic self. never forget where you came from and who helped you along the way, because i see that you have a big, bright and successful future ahead of you pile 2. you’re gonna be a star. “the diamond in the rough” from aladdin is what i’m hearing. you’ve got the wit, talent and empathy to get where you need to be in life. i wish you nothing but happiness and success pile 222 ♾️

other channeled messages:

hurricane by bridgit mendler, switch a n**** out by summer walker, olivia pope, sagittarius rising, cancer moon, pisces energy, save your tears remix by the weeknd & ariana grande, on my shoulders by sabrina claudio, red dress

pile 3 💵 —

hi pile 3 🤗 i’m getting rich vibes from y’all already lmfao, even if you aren’t (yet) there’s this energy of being very well-kept and liking the nicer things in life. you love you some good ol’ retail therapy. the message you need to hear right now is: spend your money wisely. i think you need to budget/save a bit more pile 3, you can sometimes go a bit overboard and indulge in the latest clothes, upscale restaurants or beauty products. you like nice things!!! there’s nothing wrong with that at all, you just need to make sure you’re prioritizing and balancing your earnings. some of you that picked this pile have very young energy lol like i can see you chilling at like 12am scrolling on youtube/tiktok and ooo’ing and aaa’ing at so many different product reviews and adding shit to your cart. some of you are tempted to buy stuff from the tiktok shop too lolll that was so oddly specific but i also feel like you've been big on protecting your peace lately. kickin’ back by mila j is coming to mind, “i’m kickin' back and i’m lightin' up doin' what the fuck i want. just rolled a wood, i’m feelin' good. just me, myself and this blunt.” i know das rightttt pile 3 🤭 you know your worth and you’re not settling for less than anything that you deserve — i love this.

other channeled messages:

luxurious by gwen stefani, need to know by doja cat, i just had an epiphany i need to go to tiffany’s, fenty gloss bomb, chanel chance, scorpio moon, catching flights not feelings

[wintersoldiersoul]

Drowning

A/N: Not sure how I feel about this one but I'm currently going through this situation with my boyfriend and I thought that writing about it might help me feel better. Haven't gotten to the part where I talk to him about it but maybe this will inspire me.

It was late. Too late. You should be sleeping but it was impossible with your mind racing. You and Bucky had been together for almost a year now but you never really felt secure in your relationship with him. Maybe it was the way that your last boyfriend had broken up with you out of nowhere. You wish you knew why, but you always felt like Bucky was going to run. 

As much as you loved him, you also wanted more from him. More reassurance. More romance. More small gestures to show you that he cared. And you couldn’t blame him for not giving them to you when you hadn’t asked but as much as you preached the importance of communication to your friends, you were a hypocrite. You could never apply that to your own relationship.

Everytime you tried to express your feelings, you couldn’t do it. What if I’m right? What if I tell him that I’m afraid he’s gonna leave and he finally takes it as his chance to do so? You would think. Or what if I plant the idea in his head? 

All of this was made harder by the fact that you were younger than him. While he was established with a career, living on his own, you had just graduated college and were back living with your parents. Finding a job felt nearly impossible despite the countless resumes and cover letters that you sent out every single day. Your brain constantly flashed back to a conversation you had in May, where you asked him if you would stay together when you moved back home. Your hometown was less than an hour from where Bucky lived in Brooklyn, so in your mind it was a no brainer. But when your question opened up a conversation that blindsided you.

Bucky explained that he was ready to be settled down. You were shocked when he had said the words, “Sometimes it feels like we have an expiration date.”

The next morning he said he was being ridiculous. That he loved you and of course the two of you would figure it out. But ever since then, you hadn’t been able to relax. Even now, a month into you living back at home you still couldn’t shake the feeling that he was going to change his mind. You saw him just as often as you had when you were still living in the city. You didn’t mind taking the train to go see him 3 or 4 times a week. But the stress and anxiety was weighing on you. Combined with adjusting to post-grad life, you were not doing well. 

You had never felt so lonely in your life. All of your college friends had also moved back to their hometowns while most of your friends from high school were still dispersed around the country. The job search left you feeling defeated every single day. And the lack of things to do and structure made life feel meaningless. It was safe to say that you had hit a low point. 

But you wanted to hide it all from Bucky. Because what if you brought up how hard it was to find a job and he realized that this wasn’t going to work? What if you told him how lonely you were and he was offended that he wasn’t enough? He knew that you struggled with anxiety and he was no stranger to mental health issues of his own but you just found it impossible to open up to him about all of this.

So there you were, in the midst of another sleepless night overthinking everything. Laptop opened, frantically searching on LinkedIn for jobs in the hopes that one thing just might work out. You read back your text messages from the past few days. Does he seem distant, or is my stupid brain playing tricks on me? As your spiral continued, you could feel a panic attack brewing. You tried your best to focus on your breathing but it became impossible. You just wanted to talk to Bucky. You needed to talk to Bucky. 

Fuck it, you thought. Losing him would be horrible, but so is living in this fear. Through your tears and shaking hands, you typed a message.

Y/N: Are you awake?

You shook your legs and bit your nails as you stared at the screen waiting for those three dots to show up.

Bucky: Yeah.

You took a deep breath as you sent the next message, trying to not go crazy over the dry single word he had responded with.

Y/N: Can I call you?

You desperately wished you could be with him right now to have this conversation. To analyze his body language in person. But you weren’t with him and you wouldn’t see him til the end of the week and you needed to get this out. Now.

Bucky: It’s late. I’m trying to get some sleep. 

You knew work had been kicking his ass lately. He was putting in insane hours, usually waking up at 6 and not finishing up til midnight. You knew he needed to rest and you almost responded back saying nevermind, and goodnight. But no. You needed to be a little selfish or you would crumble. Tonight felt like a turning point. Or a breaking point.

Y/N: Please Bucky. I really need to talk to you.

Bucky: Ok

Pressing dial on his name, you felt your heart rate increase even more. You tried to take deep breaths to calm your tears but it didn’t help. You were practically sobbing by the time he answered the call. “Bucky…” you said into the phone. 

At hearing your voice, Bucky was alert. He could tell that something was wrong. You had never cried in front of him. “Y/N? Baby, what's wrong? What's going on?” His desire for sleep was completely gone. All he cared about was you. He knew that he wasn’t the best boyfriend. He knew he could treat you better. But the years of trauma he had experienced made it hard for him to be vulnerable with anyone. He loved you so much that it hurt him and he hated himself that he couldn’t fully give himself to you. 

“Bucky, I’m not okay. I’m really really not okay,” you practically hyperventilated. “I don’t know what to do. I can’t keep living like this. I can’t.”

“Shhh, can you take some deep breaths for me?” He said calmly. “I need you to calm down and tell me what's going on.” He listened quietly as he heard you breathe deeply.

“Bucky, I’m terrified,” you finally spoke after a couple of minutes. “I don’t feel secure in our relationship. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells constantly because I’m petrified that you’re gonna leave. That one day you’re just gonna decide that you’re done with me because I’m too young and I live with my parents and I don’t have a job. And trying to find a job has really been taking a toll on me. I’m trying so fucking hard but it feels impossible. It’s so defeating waking up every single day to an email inbox full of rejections and I feel worthless and stupid. I’m not doing well not being in college anymore. I don’t have any structure to my days and life feels really fucking pointless right now. I’m so lonely. Fuck, I’m so lonely, Buck.” You took a pause, bracing yourself for his response. 

“Baby, why haven’t you brought this up sooner? Why haven’t you told me any of this?” There was genuine shock in his voice. 

“Because!” You cried. “I don’t want to remind you about how hard it is to find a job right now. I don’t want you to think about the fact that I live with my parents now while you have your own independent life. I never want to remind you of it because I don’t want you to change your mind and leave. And I don’t want you to think that you’re not enough for me because I’m lonely. I love you so much but I just… I really fucking miss my friends.” 

“Y/N, I need you to listen to me. Like, really listen to me. I am well aware of your situation. I know it’s hard to find a job right now. I’m not gonna leave you, okay? I’m committed to this. To you.”

You sniffled. “But you said that you wanted to be settled down. That we might have an expiration date.”

He sighed. “I’m sorry for that. I never should have said those things. When we had that conversation I was tired and not thinking clearly. And I spent that whole night wide awake thinking about how stupid I was and how stupid I would be to let you go because you need some time to find your footing after college. I hate that those words affected you so much. I’m so sorry.”

You talked to him for a while longer, pouring out all of your insecurities that you’d been holding back. After a while, the conversation started to shift to more normal things.

“Baby,” Bucky yawned. “I love you so much but I gotta go to bed. And tomorrow after work I’ll come see you, okay?”

“Okay. I love you too.”

Your worries wouldn’t fade overnight. You wouldn’t suddenly be able to get a job. Your friends wouldn’t all come back to you. College was over and life was drastically different. But at least now Bucky knew. And he wasn’t going to leave.

[misseviehyde]

BOTTLE IT

Mike loved his girlfriend Ashton so much, but she really did have a confidence problem. It was the sixth time she had tried to pass her driving test and failed.

"Oh dear," whimpered Ashton as she reversed over a bicycle and crushed it... the examiner shaking his head as he ticked fail yet again.

The stupid thing was, Ashton was a great driver. When relaxed she was brilliant... but as soon as she was put under any pressure her confidence crumbled and she bottled it.

Michael comforted Ashton as she cried on his shoulder. "I can't do anything right," she wept.

It wasn't just the driving test. Ashton was a real wallflower and would lose her nerve as soon as any pressure was applied. Michael wished he could find a way to boost her fragile confidence.

But how?

***

"Here, give your girlfriend this blonde hair dye and I promise her confidence will swell," smirked Michael's bitchy step-sister Gina. "Everyone knows blonde girls are more confident. Convince her to go blonde and I promise she'll never go back."

Michael didn't entirely trust his step-sister, but the bottle of confidence boosting blonde hair dye did seem like a thoughtful idea. Perhaps the psychological effect alone would make Ashton more bold and confident.

Michael knew that Ashton would be against using this dye, so he swapped it out for her usual hair colour and waited. He was sure she would forgive him once she saw the results.

***

Ashton hummed to herself as she lathered her hair with her usual dark brown hair dye and waited for it to take effect. It smelt and felt different this time, and as she rubbed it in she felt a strange erotic tingle throb through her body.

Ashton's eyes widened as she watched her hair sparkle and glow. A vivid blonde streak suddenly flashed through her hair, then another and another.

She moaned, her scalp tingling and throbbing deliciously as the dye was absorbed in. This was no ordinary dye, it was magical and she gasped as her hair lengthened and grew, turning blonder and silkier as it transformed.

Ashton groaned as her skin tanned and her flat boobed chest swelled and expanded. Her lips curled into a cruel bitchy smirk as her lashes lengthened and sharp pink nails shot from her fingers.

"Fuckkk yessssss," she hissed as a surge of power and confidence throbbed through her body. She laughed, tossing back her hair and giggling as her flabby body toned up. Stretching her toned body, Ashton grinned as she grew taller and more curvaceous. Her tits were now large and firm, her ass perfect. Her body posture changed to become confident and bossy.

"This is soooo much fucking better," she purred. "That fucking loser Ashton is dead... I am Ash now."

***

Ash grinned as she straddled her new boyfriends bike and looked over at the weeping loser on the road.

She'd kicked Michael over with with one of her booted heels, knocking him out of her way when the pathetic wimp had tried to stop her getting on the bike with Marlon.

"How many times do I have to tell you loser? I'm Marlon's girl now."

Ash's pussy was already wet and she could feel her superior new boyfriends big cock was rock hard through his jeans. He loved seeing his new woman crush losers.

Ash was so horny for her badboy lover. She wished she could fuck him right here and show the world what a stud he was. In fact she was tempted - it wasn't like she lacked the confidence anymore.

Since dying her hair Ash had quit her dead-end job and started working as a dancer in a bar. That was where she had met the biker gang and instantly been accepted as their newest recruit. She even had a tattoo on her lower back, the gangs emblem. She was a biker bitch for life now.

"Ashton, please. My step sister tricked me. That dye has turned you into an evil biker bitch. You have to listen."

Ignoring Michael, Ash kissed Marlon, her tongue in his mouth. Then spinning round she giggled as he groped her tits with one hand and used his other to grab the handle bars.

Ash had passed her driving test weeks ago, easily getting a perfect performance... especially when she sucked off the examiner. She loved driving, but her real passion was for motorbikes.

Ash couldn't wait to buy her own and join the gang for real, but for now she would ride with Marlon... in every sense.

Laughing wildly, she turned her eyes to the road as Marlon gunned the bike and they set off into the future. Her pathetic cuck of a boyfriend was left weeping, wishing his innocent and kind girlfriend would return.

But Ashton was dead. Ash had taken her place and this bad bitch was here to stay.

Blondes really do have more fun.

[mania-sama]

iwaoi, but's it's iwaizumi who had always wanted to leave japan. he found his every day life in miyagi stifling. he hated seeing the same classmates over and over again with their disagreeable opinions and close-minded worldviews, hated the way the people in his neighborhood all knew each other and their business, hated the way it rained and hated the way the sun rose every single day. he hated the very idea of staying in miyagi more than he had to.

he talked to oikawa about this regularly, ever since they could form thoughts that ventured outside of their little realm in japan. first, he told oikawa he'd move out of miyagi. he'd find an apartment in tokyo, or a job as a farmhand in hokkaido, or anywhere else that isn't miyagi and the life he's had to grow up in. then, as he got older, he went a step further.

china, he'd mumble oikawa during the first class of the day in middle school.

the phillippines, he'd shout at oikawa while peppering a volleyball.

somewhere further, he'd finally admitted to oikawa while walking home from a late-night home court game, his gaze trained on the ground with the most vulnerability he'd shown in years. like america. i've applied to a college in america.

oikawa had laughed at him on most times. iwaizumi knew oikawa liked life in miyagi; he got along with his classmates fine, girls liked him, he loved his family and their neighborhood, loved the sunrise and the rain. iwaizumi knew this because oikawa had always disagreed with him on those subjects.

but liking life wasn't enough when oikawa's goals were set further than what he would be constrained to at home. loving japan wasn't enough when japan didn't love him.

argentina, oikawa had whispered, miserable, to him for the first time near the end of their first year in high school. he'd seen kageyama around. he'd seen the way his serves had gotten better and better and better.

their planes left mere weeks from each other. oikawa first, to argentina, with tears in his eyes and a sharp call to not be stranger. iwaizumi left second, wishing his family a farewell with his heart full to finally leave.

iwaizumi had liked california enough. he was entertained, if not occasionally confused, by the manner of young adult americans. he had thought, originally, that he wouldn't miss japan. maybe he'd miss his family and the two friends he'd left, but nothing else. he thought the pang in his chest when his american roommate and newfound friends went out for a chicken wing restaurant and not onigiri, when they spoke exclusively english (sometimes spanish) and not japanese, when there were beds and air mattresses and not futons, that he was missing familiarity, is all. he only missed not feeling out of place.

oikawa had shared with him, over their many calls, his own struggles with homesickness. but, oikawa had told him over grainy Facetime, my team has done everything to make me feel at home. spanish isn't as hard as i thought it'd be! i'm going to make this work. even if i miss you and japan. i just... i need this. i need argentina.

both he and oikawa managed to make it home for christmas after only a few months into their respective journeys into the americas. they arrived at different times, though, so iwaizumi made the trip home from tokyo alone. he took two trains, then a taxi closer to his house. he saw the billboards in his own language. he watched people that looked like himself. they went to restraunts with onigiri. their seating would be chabudai and not high tables and booths. he saw familiar streets and familiar faces in his neighborhood.

he came to his house, where he knew exactly where the patch of grass his childhood cat was buried in the backyard. he could see phantoms of himself riding his bike up and down the road. he could see where he caught butterflies, where oikawa chased him with a handful of worms.

he came home, and his family was waiting for him. it all rushed over him, when he saw them again. all the anxiety of not being able to get to them fast if they got into an accident. constantly wondering what he'd be doing if he was in japan and not at uc-irvine. thinking about how much he preferred his home culture to the strangeness of the united states.

he met with oikawa next, who regaled him on his adventures in argentina as if they hadn't talked nearly everyday since their planes took them away from home.

i'm going to stay, oikawa told him during a late evening stroll after dinner, his eyes alight with happiness and success. i love it in argentina. it's everything i want and need.

iwaizumi was happy for him. but, iwaizumi knew he would not be content doing the same.

i'm coming back home after i get my bachelor's, he told oikawa after a second's pause, letting the coldness of the evening wash over him, watching the sun set in the way he'd spent hating his entire life. america is nice, but japan is where i'm meant to be.

he found that he didn't mind the rain when he was no longer seventeen and hating his classmates. he didn't mind staring out the window of the house he grew up in when he wasn't sixteen and desperate to leave. he'd been to the other side of the fence, and the grass simply wasn't any greener.

and he knew he'd be okay with that, eventually, even if a part of him wondered if he was giving up. even if that part of him wanted to riot and rage and scream at the idea of staying in the place he'd always told everyone he'd leave.

oikawa looked at him, then, with his eyes still bright but shining with a different kind of light. and that's perfectly fine, oikawa said to him, his voice low and earnest.

there was not a hint of condescension. nothing that said, you gave up. you are worth nothing. you will be nothing. oikawa meant it when he said that it was fine that leaving wasn't all iwaizumi had chalked it up to be. his tone said, in every way, nothing has changed. you will be just as good here as you would be anywhere else. you have not given up. there is nothing wrong with letting yourself be happy.

somehow, that was more reassuring than any of the faux comforts he'd been trying to console himself with.

[transparent-peach]

English is totally not my first language and i hope i spelled everything perfectly. I hope you enjoy it.

(Please be nice.)

James McAvoy x Reader

words: 1500

Romantic, isn’t it?

You were so close to getting insane, considered to the fact that you were all alone in North Scottland in a huge property. You had so many things to do but your social skills were all out and you haven’t got any energy lately. You felt the psychical pain of being alone, being without him. You felt terrible every time you saw him on tv, wishing he could have been there with you. But you knew it was impossible. If he wasn’t in the set of the “X-Men: Days of Future Past”, he was out there doing interviews, talking about the movie, promoting all of the little piece of it for the world. Your caffeine addiction went on another level, your mental health was falling into the nothingness. You always knew there was this risk of being with James but this never really affected your relationship. It’s been six months since he left.

————————————

It was a rainy morning of a thursday. It was almost templated how i went to work every weekdays, how i made my coffee and breakfast and headed out to the town. I sat down to my desk and made my day better than nothing with paperwork and telephone calls. I was exhausted by doing almost nothing but sitting down and force my mind to calm itself down was really doing something to me. In my early days i was working as a designer a graphic designer and a set designer at all in once. I had three jobs as i quit the graphic designer one. I was so full of ideas and things that i had to do for the sets and the movies but in that exact week i was doing some manager work. Some celebrities were almost like children when it came to their jobs and careers but i enjoyed working with them. I was helping them apply to work and put their life in order.

"Hello, love. It is your man on the television, isn’t it?"

My friend asked me with a lowered voice. She was nearly whispering.

"Yes, indeed."

I said it with a monotone tone, heading back to my desk. It was four in the afternoon that meant that i almost finished for that day. Excellent.

"What is wrong with you?"

She asked. Curiosity rushed through her eyes and she furrowed her brows.

"It’s just… You know… Work…"

I looked into her eyes.

"Can’t lie to me. Now tell me the real ‘wrong’."

She was following me to the desk. She was standing there, staring at me like a freak trying to read my mind.

"I miss him."

"Oh, love. I understand that."

The pity… That was the ultimate reason for me to not tell anyone about it. I am not a silly teenager anymore. I can handle this. At least that is what i thought. She knew from the very beginning, i told her first that we were a thing with James. We tried hard to hide from the world. We did great since in our four years of relationship there was only rumours about us. James’ manager did great with hiding things from everyone. I put my phone on the charger in the corner of my office. When it started to buzzing like hell, i raised my head up and started to feel a little bit anxious.

"Hey dear!"

A familiar voice came from the other side. My heart dropped and i sat down as i raised the phone to my ear.

"Hi James. How are you?"

I couldn’t help but smile to myself.

"I’m alright love. I am fine. What about my precious woman?"

He asked with a calm voice, made me feel warm from the inside out.

"I miss you."

I pursed my lips together and biting them in anxiety.

"I miss you too. But hey! It’s alright. At least you won’t get bored of me ."

He said jokingly. I heard his keys jingling in his hand. He opened his car and i heard a big sigh of exhaustion.

"Don’t be ridiculous James.”

I cleared my throat.

"You know it was a joke. Baby i need to go now. My manager set the date of my interview for 17.20 and i am nowhere to be found."

He chuckled a bit at his own words.

"’Kay. Love you."

"Love you too, Y/N. Take care."

He said softly as he hung up the call.

Devastated maybe, that is the right word to use for my situation in my head. I put down the phone started to pack my things up. Another day without him. Another night. I slept a bit better knowing that he is safe wherever he was. He sent me a picture of himself enjoying travelling. I felt the butterflies in my stomach as i looked into his eyes on the picture. I was like a girl who stalked her crush’s instagram. At least that was i did that morning. What can possibly be a more joyful project than this at seven in the morning when i almost just woke up from a coma.

jamesmcavoyrealdeal

🩷115K 💬1 956

It’s a little funky isn’t it? We are halfway there you don’t need to wait for too long.

I smiled at the mobile. I was totally in love. Until i realised i was late from work. I was in a hurry i didn’t even packed anything for the day. I was messed up but when i walked into the office i acted like i was a complete collected and mindful young lady with an attitude. I needed to go to the theatre to set some things right. I thought i must do some of my costume work. At reality i collected myself at almost one in the afternoon. I was stressed, anxious and never recovered from the fact that i was so tired that day. There was so much material, needle, threads, my ideas sketched on papers and stuff like that. I needed to make some tidying up because the room was a mess. I almost finished the costume, as i sat back down to my chair. It was dark out there already. I felt the coldish wind rushed through the room. I packed my things. I deemed the costume ready for that day. I headed home. It was pitch dark in the house as i walked in. I made myself a nice dinner and poured a glass of red wine. I sat down in the bedroom and started to watch an interview with Graham Norton. It was cosy to be honest it felt like some sort of meditation. There was Hugh sitting on the red couch. Next to him there was Michael and James. Hugh was beyond excited and kind as he enthusiastically talked to Graham. He had a lot of laughs with him and Michael. James seemed a bit off that day. I saw the problems on his face. I chuckled a bit at his attitude. I lighted up a cigarette near the window and i looked out to the busy street for a moment.

I sighed in discomfort. I was listening to their chit chat and laughs on the television. When they started to sing 'Afrika' by Toto. I zoned out a bit but when i heard James’ laugh i immediately looked back to the screen.

I heard the door opening and i tossed the cigarette stub out in fear. I almost spat out my heart in fright my pulse was racing and my head started pounding. The door opened and i saw a huge bouquet of flowers. The head was slowly peeking out behind the flowers and i nearly fell over the window.

"Oh god…"

I gasped in disbelief as he walked over to me. I looked at the tv and then to him in awe just like it was some kind of a lucid dream.

"Hello love."

He handed me the roses and gave me a kiss to my forehead while i enjoyed the scent of the flowers.

"Hi."

I whispered to the thin air. I put down the flowers and i gave him a thigh squeeze.

"I think i told you a million times not to smoke in here."

He smiled at me and poked my nose.

"Well, i think you should be at London shooting interviews and chatting with famous people."

My sassy attitude came in handy for the moment. I held him closer, and gave him a kiss.

"That was a bit cocky… but i guess you are right. I missed you."

He looked into my eyes with his cold blue ones, and spinned me around.

"You look cute with Michael."

I teased him a bit before i gave another kiss on his forehead.

"Thank you love."

He laughed with nothing but pure joy.

"I am thinking about inviting him over for dinner someday."

"We are free this weekend. You should give it a shot."

He teased me back while leading me to the bed.

[caelisblade]

¡! oh, those ocean eyes | tartaglia

cw: fem reader (use of term wife but other than that no other pronouns); mentions of pregnancy; smut, very mild breeding / impreg kink ???, pet names (baby, sweetheart, angel)

wc: 3.4k

a/n: i hope you guys enjoy this as much as I did writing it, it's one of the longest things I've written in a long time

"welcome our soldiers and heroes back to our homeland after they have completed their task for our queen, the tsaritsa. please, welcome back the knave, ms. arlecchino and mr. tartaglia!“

your eyes widened at the announcement echoing throughout the entire nation. 

how come you were not notified of his return? by the tsaritsa, you were so close to murdering someone in anger but this frustration quickly faded when you came back to the realization that your husband finally was home. 

you immediately grabbed your jacket and went outside into the familiar freezing cold, everybody who knew you and your relationship with ajax congratulated you for his return which you returned with 'thank you's. 

a small part of you wished they would just shut up and let you run to finally let you see your husband after four long months. 

what state is he in? is he alright? 

the questions and worries in your mind were so overpowering that you started to ignore the people who congratulated you and just started running on the slippery, icy grounds. 

luckily, as you had become very familiar with these grounds, you didn‘t slip and fall; quickly arriving at the big entrance to zapolyarny palace where you were — again — stopped by the guards. 

"halt! you can‘t simply enter the— oh, it‘s you! apologies, ma‘am, i had not noticed it was you. you may enter. welcome!", the guard said, tone firm, yet in some strange way, welcoming as well. 

"thank you", you replied with a soft smile, as you entered the icy halls of the palace, immediately trying to figure out where your husband was. 

"oh, hello, y/n!", arlecchino greeted you, as she was about to leave. "he‘s in the infirmary, getting patched up.“

before you could inquire about his current state, she just disappeared. with no further thoughts about this, you just ran towards the infirmary, finally spotting your husband in just a hospital gown as he bit into the pillow in pain when the nurse applied some disinfecting cloth on his wounds. 

"hey, hey! stop! you‘re hurting him more like this“, you yelled, pushing the nurse away. being used to his … adventurous behavior, you had figured out how to take care of him as pain-free as possible. "can i take care of my husband myself?"

the nurse nodded before she rolled her eyes, mumbling something along the lines of 'why even let me do my job, just pretend you know it all better' which pissed you off even more. 

"listen, you little bitch, you have no idea what i went through these last four months. now shut the fuck up and let me do my job. and not to forget, i was a nurse here with the fatui, too, for way longer than you probably even lived, until i married this idiot and he insisted on how he doesn‘t want me to work for my money. now piss off."

the nurse scoffed before she left and you were finally all alone with your husband. 

"oh, you stupid, stupid idiot. how many times do i need to tell you to be more careful", you mumbled as you brushed some strands of hair out of his face. 

ajax groaned in pain as he lifted his head, still trying to laugh to lighten up the whole situation. "if only you knew what i did all this time, you‘d be so proud of me", he laughed, making you smile. 

"oh, i am proud of you either way, baby", you replied, planting a gentle kiss on his cheek. "you did so amazing. i can't wait for you to tell me everything. now, shut up, and let me get somebody to bring you home. alright? i’ll personally take care of you until you’re fully back to your health.”

you quickly stood up, calling for somebody and a low-rank agent arrived, greeting both of you with a quick bow; asking how he could be of assistance. 

"i need somebody to escort me and my husband home. i'll be taking care of him myself in our home. would you please arrange a car for us?", you asked the agent, who eagerly nodded, excusing himself before he left the infirmary. 

"let's get you dressed, honey", you mumbled, carefully helping him to turn around; wincing as you heard his groans in pain and you quickly ready his clothes to put them on. as he was finally dressed, the agent returned, and announced a car was ready for departure. 

"hold on, dearest, may i talk to you?", the cold, yet sweet voice of the one person you always loved to chat with echoed through the freezing hallways of the palace. 

you immediately stood, bowing slightly at the sight of the tsaritsa. “of course.” you quickly turned your attention to childe, telling him you’d be back shortly before you followed the usually icy queen to her only warm and comforting room. 

“is there something i can do for you, your highness?”, you asked carefully; after all, she was an archon. as much as she asked for some casual chats and invited you for tea because of your relationship with childe – and because she never got to have somebody to chat with as she does with you–, she was still the person you worshiped all your life. at least, before you got to meet her as childe’s fiancée for the first time personally as he went to her for her blessing. 

his loyalty to her was something else, and if you weren’t just the same towards her, you’d probably be incredibly jealous. 

“just tell me… is he doing okay?”, she asked, her voice soft and at the brink of breaking. 

it was unbeknownst to all but childe was somehow her favorite of all her harbingers. it was not because of his successes but because of how courageous and yet caring he was despite his young age, especially compared to all the other harbingers. “he will be fine. i’ll take care of him. he is doing quite okay, the medic on the travel home made more than enough notes on his recovery process to allow me to personalize a therapy plan. he will be out of commission for a few weeks, however. i’ll try my best to get him back on his feet as soon as possible.”

“please, don’t be afraid to contact any of the agents if there is anything you require. we will make sure ajax is well taken care of.”

ajax. she rarely called him that – actually, she never did; in your presence at least. your eyes teared up as she offered you her full support, and before you knew it, you were already embraced in her arms and sobbing, seeking comfort in one of the two only people you had placed your trust in throughout your entire life. 

“i’m sorry, your highness, i did not mean to break down like this.”

“no need to apologize, my child, you have every right to feel this way. i can’t even imagine living with the most horrible thoughts of your loved one in danger with no chance of communication on his well-being. please don’t hesitate to ask for anything you need, yes?”

“thank you, your highness. i will return to him now and get him home. i’ll make sure he’s well taken care of”, you stood up, bowing slightly in front of her before you made your way back to the infirmary, smiling slightly as you saw childe bickering with an agent about how he could walk by himself and does not need any support. 

“leave it to me. i know how to handle this big baby here”, you chuckled, shaking your head. “can’t you just agree to play the sick and hurt card here for once? i want to pamper you like you deserve, my dearest prince.” 

“you know i can’t”, he laughed lightly, grabbing your hand as you both walked out of the infirmary and the palace as quickly as he was able to. once you were ready for departure, you leaned against his shoulder, taking in a shaky breath.

“did you cry?”, he mumbled, placing a gentle kiss on your forehead. you could only nod, tears rolling down your cheeks as you embraced the emotions you tried so hard to suppress all this time; finally allowing yourself to be so weak in front of your husband and it felt so good as you cried, sobbed and he comforted you with occasional “shh”’s and “it’s all okay”’s. 

once you arrived home, you helped him out of the car and towards the house, smiling as you saw the bunch of flowers and tiny gifts scattered all over the front porch. “everyone’s so happy you’re back, it seems”, you giggled. “as am i, love. i missed you so much.”

you settled him on the couch, firing up the woods in the chimney, and sat down next to him, gently brushing through his hair. “please, let me know if you need anything. i’ll be here for you, yeah?”

“stop stressing out so much, baby, just lay down with me here and let me hug you. i missed your touch too much to stay away from you right now.” 

you sighed lightly, chuckling softly as you laid down next to him and looked up at him, staring at his sparkling eyes as he stared at you with so much love in his whole body, it seemed like the pain he was feeling suddenly didn’t matter, simply because he was with you now. 

“i love you so much, sweetheart. i never meant to worry you as much as i did. i know that you cried when her majesty asked you for a quick talk. i heard your sobs. i’m okay, though. i’m safe and with you now, hm? just give a couple of days and i’ll be up on my feet again”, he chuckled lightheartedly, kissing your forehead softly. 

“yeah, right. as if i’m going to let you”, you scoffed before you giggled, shaking your head. “you, my good sir, are going to stay laying right on this couch until i allow you to get up. i might let you go to our bedroom, though, but chances are low as of now.” 

“we’ll see about that”, he whispered suggestively, smirking as he saw you biting your lip. 

“you know what? maybe i should just tie you up to our bed, hm? so, that you can’t escape me”, you replied with a giggle. “you’ve been away from me for way too long, i just need to be with you here.” 

“and you have me, right here with you. i don’t plan on leaving until you clear me for missions and her majesty has another task for me. i love you. so much, baby. you deserve the world for always being so patient with me whenever i get sent on a mission over a long period of time. and i would give you the world if i could”, he whispered. “you’re so incredible for the patience you have with me.” 

the moment he kissed you properly for the first time after four long months, and it was the most gentle and sensual kiss you experienced in a long time. and despite his injuries, he didn’t hesitate to pull you on his lap, promising he wasn’t hurting as much anymore as he did earlier. 

“you take care of me so well, sweetheart. i owe you at least one bit of indulging”, he chuckled, softly brushing through your hair. “it’s just your little reward for being such a good and patient girl for me, baby.” 

you shuddered at how he was speaking to you like he hadn’t just returned from one of the longest battles of his life. “mhm, i missed the way you feel against my lips. i missed the way you taste, the way you whine when i pull away for a short breather. you’re still my beautiful needy girl, aren’t you, baby?”, he mumbled, peppering gentle kisses all over your neck. 

you were only able to nod, sighing in bliss as you started getting distracted by his soft ministrations. “i am”, you mumbled, smiling innocently. and he was so whipped for you, that he wasn’t noticing any of the pain he was experiencing because of the way you made him feel. 

“that’s a good girl”, he mumbled, smiling as he placed a gentle kiss on your lips. 

over the four months he had spent on travels, he had been waiting the most for this moment – to finally hold you in his arms, kissing you as gently as possible – because he had missed you so, so much. 

it was all that was in his mind when he fought that all-devouring narwhal for almost two months straight with no break whatsoever. all he could think of was holding you in his arms again, having you on top of him, underneath him, just having you with him. it didn’t matter, nothing mattered to him as long as you were there. 

“i love you so much, sweetheart”, he whispered once more before he kissed you so desperately, yet so lovingly, it made you feel so dizzy. ajax poured all the love he felt for you into this kiss, as he slowly made moves to remove your clothing, having missed the feeling of you naked on top of him. 

“n-no, ajax, we shouldn’t. y-you’re hurt, and… i could never forgive myself if i ever hurt you in this way”, you mumbled, trying to get up from his lap but he stopped you with yet another kiss, smiling softly. 

“i’m doing a lot better, angel. don’t worry about me, yeah? i’m okay. and i just want to be close to you. let me remember how good it feels to be with you. it has been way too long and way too lonely all this time”, he tried to milden your worries. 

with slight hesitation, you nod, slowly helping him remove his clothes, too, as he winced when a short bit of pain coursed through his body. “i’m so sorry, i knew this was a horrible idea”, you sighed, shaking your head. 

“shh, relax, sweetheart, i’m okay. don’t worry, i can handle a little bit of pain”, he chuckled, shaking his head. “you worry too much, angel. i’ll be fine. if i can’t handle you right now, it’s because you’re too fucking hot.” 

your cheeks were burning as you heard his stupid compliment – he always knew how to make you embarrassed and feel so stupidly in love with him. sometimes it felt like, ajax wasn’t your husband but you two were still stuck in the freshly dating stage, just because of how random his compliments were. 

“idiot”, you mumbled, smiling as you leaned down. the fire in the chimney was keeping both of you warm enough, yet the way he touched you had you shivering. 

“well, i’m your idiot. there’s no way you can get rid of me”, he chuckled, slowly starting to tease your clit with his thumb as you let out a needy whimper to which he couldn’t help laughing. “cute.”

“stop teasing, idiot”, you whined, “i need you.” 

“mhm, baby, i know you do. you’re so wet for me already, drenching those cute little panties of yours because you missed me, huh?” you could only nod as he increased the pressure on your clit, eyes rolling back as the pleasure coursed through your body. 

“mhm, oh, fuck”, was the only reply you could get out. 

“god, i missed those pretty little sounds you let out”, he groaned, slowly pushing the fabric of your panties aside and aligning his cock with your entrance, before he slowly pushed himself inside, having you cry out as you felt so full of him, your body needing a moment to adjust taking your dearest husband in again. 

“so full of me, aren’t you, angel?”, he let out a grunt as you slowly started moving up and down his cock, whining as he filled you up so good, making you feel dizzy from all the pleasure each time his cock hit your g-spot. 

“mhm, ajax, please”, you cried, thoughts started to blur as you slowly got closer and closer to the edge, you felt pathetic for being unable to control yourself but the need you had felt throughout the long time of distance from your husband was overwhelming you. 

“wanna cum, baby? mh, please, come for me, hm? make a mess, i don’t care. just make yourself feel good on my cock. i’ll come deep inside of you if you do, angel; gonna give you that baby we always wanted, hm? how does that sound, sweetheart?”, he babbled, eyes rolling back as he, too, got closer to his orgasm. “gonna fill you up so good, angel, just make me proud and come for me.” 

it was as if on cue when you suddenly shuddered and lost all control of your body for a moment. the dizzying pleasure was overwhelming every fiber of your body as you couldn’t hold yourself up anymore and just slumped down on his body, hugging him as carefully as you could. 

you clenching around him so tightly triggered his own release as he let out a groan, finally coming buried deep inside of you. 

“i missed this. i missed you, ajax. much more than i could ever put into words”, you whispered. he chuckled softly, nodding. 

“same for me, angel. i missed you a lot and am so happy i’m back with you now”, he replied in a slightly breathless but content and happy tone. “and perhaps… we can focus throughout my time off in recovery on us and… maybe attempt for the baby we always wanted? her highness gave me the go for as much time off as i require and… i don’t know… that was all i was thinking of all this time.” 

“well… in that case…”, you started, biting your lip in excitement. “i have great news.” 

you got off him, giggling as his cum trickled down your thighs, and grabbed the gift box you had prepared for him. he sat up confusedly, watching your every move until you returned to him and gave the box to him. 

he opened the box and inspected the insides as he picked up the baby shoes and the positive pregnancy test result from your doctor and looked at you with a confused gaze in his eyes. as the realization hit, his eyes teared up and he smiled so brightly. 

“are you…?”

you nodded excitedly and giggled when he touched your tummy and you saw the happy tears roll down his cheeks. “i went to the doctor when i just couldn’t stop feeling nauseous and constantly throwing up. and then he just… confirmed my suspicions actually. i had a feeling it might be a pregnancy but i just didn’t want to… believe it, i guess? but yeah, uhm, this happened when i… well, we, had our… goodbye fuck”, you giggled as you couldn’t find a better wording. he laughed with you, shaking his head. 

“and since you’re clear of any missions for the time being until you’re back to your duties, i thought this was the perfect moment to tell you.” 

“you made me the happiest man right now, baby. wait… does my family know?”, he chuckled. “they do, don’t they? that’s why teucer sent me a letter saying that you got a surprise for me, hm?” 

you giggled as you nodded. “i did tell him not to tell you anything but he asked if he could at least do that. and the thought of teasing you all the way over here was too tempting.”

“you’re such a fucking minx. i love you, so much”, he mumbled as he pulled you into a hug, cuddling as you relaxed in his arms. “another question… did the doctor clear you for sex? i hope this wasn’t too much on you just now. god, now i feel terrible for talking you into–” 

“shh, you didn’t force me or anything. i’m fine. the doctor said it’s alright”, you giggled, kissing him gently on the cheek. “let’s sleep a little, huh? let me grab a blanket quickly and let’s sleep.” 

once you cleaned yourself up and grabbed a blanket, you laid down next to your already sleeping husband, hugging him as you, too, slowly fell asleep in the comfort of his arms and finally were able to sleep properly through one night with no worries in your mind.

[simvanie]

7 Sins Legacy - generation 5 (gluttony)

Sean: Chef! Sorry I'm late! It was one of those mornings that I had to bring the kids to school and the traffic was awful! If I had known that, I would've brought them to school earlier...

Gulshan: Look at that, exactly twenty minutes. Just like I said. Don't worry, it's not like I've filed a missing person report yet. And luckily I had some time on my hands this morning so I decided to already start the job interview with Temperance. Sean: Thank you, Chef.

Gulshan: Sean here is head waitstaff. That's why I asked him to do the job interview with you. He also helps me in the kitchen because that's where he eventually wants to work most of the time. Britney is our mixologist and host. She also helps me with the financial stuff. It's a lot of work for all of us because I can't yet afford more staff in the management positions. So far we managed to make it work since both Britney and Sean have a lot of experience from the restaurant they previous worked at until they... well.

Temperance: What happened? Britney: We got fired, love. Well, at least I did. And a lot of my colleagues too. We worked at The Tuna Tortuga, that very fancy five star restaurant- You've probably heard of it. It got sold to a new owner a few months ago. Our new boss demanded that every staff member met his standards to be able to work at a five star restaurant. He did a thorough screening on all of us and fired anyone who could possibly bring the restaurant into disrepute-

Sean: Yeah. He fired Britney because he found an old tabloid article online that was over twenty years old stating that, and believe me you can't make this coincidence up, Gulshan's dad had complimented Britney, who was hired that day to work behind the bar on his wedding. Gulshan's mom saw this and she and her husband got in an argument. Since they are well known politicans, the press obviously ran with the story and made it way bigger than it was. Britney didn't even do anything wrong! I knew that I didn't want to work at The Tuna Tortuga any longer when I heard that our new boss fired one of my good friends over that.

Temperance: I'm... so sorry to hear that. That new owner sounds awful. Sean: Yeah he was. On top of that, he also told me that I only was allowed to stay if I covered up my tattoos with long sleeves- even during the hottest days of summer. No exceptions. So I quit on the spot. It's a shame that I didn't have my green mohawk anymore that I had when I was younger, because I know he would've fired me the moment he saw me- That would've been great.

Britney: That's how we ended up working here. Gulshan opened his restaurant around that same time and we both applied for a job here. Even though it's a little hectic right now with the new restaurant, I think I can say for both Sean and I that we couldn't have wished for a better boss. It already feels like we've become a little family in the few months that we've worked here. Even Breanne said the same thing to me a couple of days ago.

Gulshan: Oh- Breanne! She's the other waitress that works here. She is a highschool friend of mine that really needed a job, so I decided to help her out and hired her as a waitress. You'll probably meet her soon. Temperance: Soon? Does that mean that I'm... hired? Gulshan: When can you start?

Fun fact:

the game had in fact assigned both Britney and Sean to work at The Tuna Tortuga. It was part of how I came up with the idea for their backstory. Sean was in two posts from the previous generation (this post and this post), and Britney is in the background behind the bar in this post.

[nihilnovisubsole]

Because of your latest post: not sure if you’ve answered this before, but how does someone even entertain the idea of writing for the game dev industry? Did you start out on indie games or just write before and show them your work? Since it’s such a subjective field etc

if i have, it bears repeating! here's a rough timeline of what i did. never discount the value of luck and the kindness of friends

2016: i was doing a random freelance transcription job when i saw @theivorytowercrumbles post about writing for voltage. they reblogged the studio's open casting call for new writers. since it was so lenient - no experience, fanfic samples allowed - i applied. they hired me for their new project, but let me go after a trial period, citing that the tone of my writing was a bad fit for that game. i foundered for a while after that. i don't take rejection well. i started dangerous crowns to try to make money from writing some other way.

2017: one of voltage's producers reached out to me and said they'd started another project that i was a good fit for. she felt letting me go was a mistake and wanted to snap me back up. i said yes, i mean, are you kidding? so i started on reiner's route.

2018-2019: i kept at it. i took on diego's route. it occurred to me that i wasn't making very much money, but i liked my coworkers, and i was building my portfolio, so who cared? i also finished dangerous crowns, and a handful of people bought it, but certainly not enough to support myself or anything.

early 2020: between the pay and creative differences with voltage's team, it started to sink in that i needed to find other work. i applied to the few open game writer jobs i could find, but with only mobile romance in my portfolio, i got nowhere. i threw in dangerous crowns samples. i tried to network on twitter. i still never made it to the interview phase. i foundered for a while again.

late 2020: the voltage writers went on strike. i gave a statement to a journalist that one of obsidian's narrative designers noticed. we became acquaintances over it. another old friend of mine threw me a life raft in the form of a different contract, better paying, on a non-romance indie game. i took it gladly. i added a twine game to my portfolio, too. i kept applying. i got a few interviews, but something still didn't click.

2021: i finally accepted that i needed formal help. i did a portfolio workshop. i got resume coaching. the coach passed my name to a writer on the company of heroes team. they liked me! they also paid me more money than i'd ever seen in my life. at the same time, obsidian advertised a narrative job opening. i applied on a lark and let my ND pal know i was doing so. why not, right? college-new-vegas-fan me would want me to. they rejected me, but not before i passed their writing test and two interviews. i had nothing to lose at that point, so i told my ND pal that i was bummed. she gave me a golden piece of advice: "you came really close. try again."

2022: obsidian had another narrative opening. i threw myself at it. i was now going to annoy them into hiring me. since i was a known quantity from applying six months before, they had no qualms about interviewing me again. this time, it worked out, and i've been there ever since.

what's the common denominator here? i met people who thought i was all right and gave me a hand up when i needed it. the standard advice is to work with a community of your peers instead of trying to get your heroes to senpai-notice you. it's not that they don't care - they just have their own thing going on, and your peers could be the heroes of tomorrow if the right project comes along. i also found the portfolio was the end-all-be-all when it came to job hunting. i went through a grieving process with that! i'm not afraid to admit it. i wish studios had held my degree or dangerous crowns in higher regard, but i just had to make games in a wider variety of genres, and that was that.

one caveat: narrative is a really saturated field right now. a lot of people want to write, and there aren't many openings. it's not uncommon for big studios to get hundreds of applicants. larian probably got over a thousand for the job they posted recently. i feel awful saying that, because i don't want to discourage you, but i'd feel worse if i didn't let you know what you were getting into. if it's something you want, you should try! keep an open mind about the random projects you may find. you never know where they'll take you.

[autumnvine]

If you ever need anything

Summary: Your boyfriend Max was less then a gentleman, you could never rely on him to be happy for you. But your best friend Tom was always there supporting you, and taking care of you

⚠️ Abusive boyfriend ⚠️

Even on your worst days you thought you could count on your boyfriend Max, obviously not. Max was never the boyfriend you had imagined for yourself, you thought yourself finding someone who loved you and was proud of you, supported you, cared fro you. But Max, no he wasn't much like you had imagined, almost total oposite. Max was always angry, never proud of you, was never excited for you, he never really cared about you.

When you left your job on a gamble Max couldn't bat an eyelid of excitment for you. This was a huge deal, it was a difficult and nerve wracking thing, it was your dream come true. For ten years you served coffees and sandwiches as the manager of the coffee house across the street from your home, taking orders, calls, communications, hiring and firing collegues. You needed a change, applying for an audition in the local theratre sounded like a good idea, it was a good idea, you got the part and many many more after that. Eventually you landed the role of a life time "Thor" playing the girlfriend of the mighty Thor, a scientist named Jane who ended up becoming the lovely girlfriend to the God of Thunder. The first movie was such a success, the directors called everyone back, including you, you were so excited, thrilled beyond belief. There was just once tiny small issue. Max. He wasn't happy with you going to movie star city as he called it the first time never mind doing it again, yet he came with you. You were just excited to see all your friends again, Tom , Chris, Kat, Nat, Jaimie everyone, it was going to be wonderful everyone together again you couldn't wait to see Tom once more.

You wished Tom was your boyfriend. Tom is exactly what you pictured for yourself, he was your friend, he cared for you, helped you, read lines w ith you. Max never read lines with you, the last time you asked him he threw it on the table picked up his phone and wouldn't speak to you for the rest of the afternoon, but Tom, he even helped you with your lines over the phone. Tom was a sweetheart he would call to make  sure you were okay, to make sure you were managing, to make sure you still had a roof over your head, he wanted to know what was new in your life, what was going on. You wished Tom liked you more then a friend, but a friendship was much much better then nothing.

Max had met Tom just for a brief period of time during the first shoot of filming Thor, Tom was polite, shook his hand intriduced himself as your co-worker and friend, he of course he introoduced himself as the only man in your life, the only reason agrred to fly across the world with you, was so he could keep anyone else from being with you. Which Tom already found ridiculous, you didn't need a baby sitter, you were your own paerson, you didn't need a keeper. Max was very overly cautious of you, very controlling over you. Tom made sure to always check in with you after that. 

-Time skip, Set of Thor-

After everyone was reacquainted and had there own skripts, highlighted, noted, changed slightly, you could feel your heart rush at the first table read,  you're part in this movie was significantly bigger then the last one, you had one of the main parts you could not screw this up, you wouldn't it would be amazing, you had an amazing team who supported eachother

"Thor: How is she?

Heimdall: She's quite clever, your mortal. She doesn't know it yet, but she studies the Convergence as well. Even...Heimdall stops

Thor: What?

Heimdall: I can't see her.

Darcy Lewis: Jane! Where the hell were you?

Jane Foster: Tell me you didn't call the police!

Darcy Lewis: What was I supposed to do?

Jane Foster: Not call the police!

Darcy Lewis: I was freaking out.

Jane Foster: You call the cops they tell the feds, the next thing you know we have SHIELD crawling all over area fifty-one-ing the place.

Darcy Lewis: Jane!

Jane Foster: We had a stable gratification anomaly, we had unheeded access. Our only competition was ten years old!

Darcy Lewis: Jane, you were gone for five hours!

Jane Foster: What?

Darcy Lewis: Appears Thor standing a few feet away from them, Jane hands her gadget to Darcy and walks towards Thor.

Thor: Jane. [as she reaches him suddenly she slaps him hard in the face]

Jane Foster: Sorry. I just needed to make sure you were real, it's been a very strange day.

Thor: Well, I am. Jane... [suddenly she slaps him again]

Jane Foster: Where were you?!

Thor: Where were you? Heimdall could not see you.

Jane Foster: I was right here where you left me. I was waiting and then I was crying and then I went out looking for you. You said you were coming back

Thor: I know, I know, but the Bifrost was destroyed. The Nine Realms erupted into chaos, wars were raging, marauding hordes were pillaging. I had to put an end to the slaughter.

Jane Foster: As excuses go, that's not terrible. But I saw you on TV, you were...you were in New York!

Thor: Jane, I fought to protect you from the dangers of my world, but I was wrong, I was a fool.

The first read was amazing, it went so well. You did so well, sure you had sweat flowing down your back like a river, your leg shaking uncontrollable under the table. Your breath tyring to keep up with your nerves.Everyone clapped and hugged. You had  few hours before your wardrobe fitting, heading straight for the coffee machine and grabbing a ham salad ovalbite "You done well darling" A beautiful english familiar accent came from behind you. Swallowing the coffee in your mouth, turningaround to see your Tom standing. He hugged you, kissed your forehead linked his arms in yours

"Darling you done so well, I'm very proud of you, how are you feeling, you seem nervous, is everything alright?"

"I'm great, this is my dream Tom, being here is my dream, I really never thought I'd get to do this again, I didn't think I'd be back. It's amazing seeing you Tom, how are things with you?"

"There good, very good. I am glad you are back. I missed seeing you. Perhaps we could catch dinner one evening, to properly catch up?"

"Awwh Tom I would love that" sudenly remembering about Max staying in the hotel with you.  "I....I'm sorry Tom I can't"

He tried to hide the disapointment and slight embarrisment "Tom it's not that I don't want to, oh my goodness I'd love to, I'd love nothing more then to go to dinner with you, but....Max is here, and I sill sort of need life to see you again"

"He's here? staying with you?"

"I know I'm sorry, He wouldn't let me come, if, well Tom he wouldn't let me come if he didn't come too, to aparently keep an eye on me, eventhough there's nothing wrong with me, sorry I'm rambling"

"Your not rambling darling, does he still make you happy?"

"It's complicated" you sighed, unable to answer a simple question about your boyfriend to your best friend.

"Forgive me darling  for asking, if I'm out of line feel no pressure, does he hurt you?"  

"Nothing I can't handle, anyways stop worrying, drink your coffee, we gotta be back in there soon and I still have alot of coffee to drink plus the other half of my sandwich, which is really good, want to try it? Also Chris will be sooo mad if I come back late on my first day, heck not even my first day, my first half of the day after the first break. You know we used to be happy, he used to be nice to me. Tom he was so sweet to me, he didn't always treat me bad you know, he never used to shout at me.  anyway, I'm sorry I'm rambling again.I'm so sorry Tom my head has just been everywhere. I feel like I'm on cloud nine but waiting for thunderstorm you know?"

Tom looked at you worry and confussion all over his face "Yn you know if you ever need anything, I mean it, anything, a place to stay, me, help, money, a ride, absolutely anything anythime, I am always here for you. You are never alone."

"Thank you Tom, I'm always here for you too."

A few weeks had passed Thor Dark World was really comming together, everyone had muktiple costume changes a day, hair and makeup bearly left your trailer, you were practicing and practicing reading over your lines, going to the gym six days a week to keep up with the physical aspect of your role, you were finally getting there with evevrything. Max had been his usual self throughout this whole movie, hated days you had to work late to run lines, hated the fact you worked with a cast of primarily men. He hated when you asked him to help you, or to come watch rehersal. Max was never going to let you do this again, you were sure of it.

It was now nearing eight when everyone was supposed to be finishing, however you called Max to explain you'll be late once more and not to wait up for you, you still had two more scenes to run, to his disamuse you stayed working until ten. Getting home everything was in darkness, none of the lights were on,  the doors were all closed, the window curtains were drawn, trying very quietly to take your boots off, and set your bag down, walking into the kitchen to wash your face from everything, popping the kettle on and some bread in the toaster. Toast wasn't an ideal dinner but you were hungry, it was late and definetly not up to cooking. Seeing a pile of dishes that had been left foor you you sighed in disapointment that Max hadn't even washed his plate from his dinner, or even made you anything for yours. Scrubbing the pots and pans, forgetting he was asleep just upstairs you were to tired to even hear the footsteps thud behind you. A cold hard grabbing your arm, spinning you round and holding you to the wall, both wrists being held above your head

"Let me go" you asked unfaised, Max was towering over you, his face right up at yours,

"I said let me go Max"

"I was sleeping. and you" slamming your arms against the wall as you tried to move "You woke me up,"

"Yeah well I was doing your dishes, that you left."

His grip tightenenig on your wrists, "That hurts, stop that Max let me go" trying to wriggle your arms a little. "STOP, YOU THINK YOU CAN  COME HOME AND TELL ME WHAT TO DO" he shouted, you weren't in the mood for his nonsence or his anger.

"Let's just go to bed I'm tired" you sighed dropping your gaze to the floor, not acknowledging your boyfriends fury. He let go of one wrist, and you thought he was letting you go, feeling the cold hand smack off your face, now a burning heat sensation across your cheek and under eye,

"DON'T YOU DISRESPECT ME!"

A few stray tears rolling down your cheek , purely just from the shock, it waasn't the first time he'd hit you, it wasn't the first time he'd shouted, at this point nothing could surprise you. Max threw you to the side, onto the floor "Sleep there, you're pathetic"

Waiting for him to leave and go back up stairs to what once was your shared bed, you sat on the floor, back against the wall, debating even standing up rubbing your wrists from where he hurt you, you let your tears run dripping down onto your clothes. It wasn't supposed to be like this,your boyfriend was supposed to take care of you, not hurt you. After sitting a little longer yoou dried hyour eyes, gathered yourself togeher, finished buttering your toast and drank some tea, you took the fluffy blanket from over the arm of the sofa wrapping it around you, scrooling through your phone trying to think of something better, anything better.

Remembering Tom's kind words from weeks ago:

"Yn you know if you ever need anything, I mean it, anything, a place to stay, me, help, money, a ride, absolutely anything anythime, I am always here for you. You are never alone."

You debated calling him but deciding against it, you weren't Tom's responsibility, he wasn't your saviour, he was your friend, besides if you called him, Max would propably kill you, or him. That was an unrestful night, not being able to get comfortable from your back pain after being thrown to the floor like a garbage bag.

The following morning you got up streatched out, trying to ignore the pain that overwhelmed your body, you couldn't call in sick it's simly not that type of job, people relied on you and counted on you being there. If you called in sick Tom would be worried about you and probably call or come over which was a really bad idea under the circumstances, and everyone else would be mad knowing you single handedly held up rehersal for the day, when the movie was so close to being finished. looking at your wrists blue and purple, each of them badly bruised you had to find a top long enough to cover it, as well as the cut across your cheek bone from last night. Getting ready, mentally preparing yourself and a silly enough reason that people would believe you hurt yourself. Walking onto set with a fake smile plastered on your face, coffee in hand, and painkillers settling nicely in your stomach working there magic, Chris was the first one to see you

"Morning Yn, how are you?"

"Chris good morning, I'm good thank you, a little tired I hadn't slept great last night, I couldn't get comfy"

"Get some coffee down you and if you need anythig give me a shout alright" Thanking him, he walked away, not noticing your face or wrists, this might be easier then you worried about. "Darling there you are I was looking for you" Tom kissed your forehead gently with a warming smile

"Sorry I know I'm a little late, I lost track of time, I didn't really sleep and then i couldn't find my clothes, one thing led to another and I'm here now, just a little later then I originally planned for."

"Not to worry darling your still here before we started." Tom smiled at you as if you had just made his d ay better by beinng there. Smiling back you noticed his eyebrown frowning and his smile falling, "Yn what happened to your face?"

"Oh" you lifted your hand to casually deflect it, "Nothing really I got home late, made some toast and forgot to close the kitchen cabinet behid me, turned around and bashed my face of it." You didn't enjoy lying but you were certaintly not telling him the truth. "Really Tom I'm alright" He didn't believe you for a second but respected you enought that you obviously didn't want to talk about it. Going through to wardrobe you nsisted upon noone helping you, afraid of them seeing the bruising, you struggled but eventually managed.

Today you shot the fight scene, Thor and Malekith were fighting you were getting taken up by the red ether, when Loki jumps arcoss catching you and holding you as you fall to the floor, Tom's arms around you felt nice, him being so close to you felt nice. You lay crouched on the floor with Tom dressed as Loki leaning over you, sheilding you from the fight, protecting you. A single tear managed to escape your eye, trying to fight it, crying was not apart of the scene, but more so because your already bruised and delicate body had just been slamed to the floor. Tom didn't notice your tear until one became two, two became three, three became awkward, almost trying desperately to controll yourself, controll your pain, you sucked it up and continued with the scene until the fighting was over, having to get up and run behind Loki was sheer agony but you did it. You could bearly hear the conversation between Thor and Loki, or Loki and Malekith. You didn't have any lines you had to speak for, you could just focus on not crying right now, that was enough for you. As the scene came to an end you got up and left, making a beline straight for the coffee, getting your phone off the table to call Max because you were going to be home late again.

"What do you want?" he asnwered abruptly

"You know its polite to answer your phone to start with hello, or hi"

"Noted, what do you want?"

"I'm going to be working late again, I got here late after last night and then filming never started until later so I just thought I'd call, you don't need to wait up for me or anything, or make dinner, you can do what you want tonight"

"Great thanks for the permission"

"Hey, you don't have to be so rude all the time you know. You could just say okay, or thanks for telling me or I hope you have a good day. It's always negative with you isn't it"

"Yeah yeah thanks for the lecture, you really are pathetic you know that, PATHETIC, you think I care if you come home late or at all for that matter, you think i honestly would worry if you didn't" his sacrasm and arrogance was getting to you a little,

"Would you not?" Tom came to get a quick cup of coffee beside you, you lowered your volume and smiled to Tom,

"Would I not what?" asked Max,

"Would you really not care?" asking him softly afriad of Tom overhearing

"Yn get it through that thick skull of yours I don't give a rats arse where you are, especially after last night, why would you think I give a damn about you, you do nothing but complain, or make things worse for me, you are stupid and irrelivant to my life, I want you for what I need and tonight I don't need you!"You felt your heart crumble, as if the world imloaded, Max treated you poorly that's why you couldn't justify the pain he was causing.

"If this is about waking you up last nigt I-"

"I THOUGHT I TAUGHT YOU ENOUGH OF LAST NIGHT, WHEN YOU GET HOME TONIGHT, LATE AGAIN I'LL --"

"You'll what?" what is it you will do because I have to work late?" compleately foggettinng where you were andwo was standing besdie you, but enough was eough.

""When you get home I'll make last night seem like a walk in the park, I'm going to hurt you and I will make it painful, you are pathetic and I shouldn't have let you off so easy last night"

A sob broke from your parted lips"Pathetic" Max laughed down the phone, unaware that Tom had been listening to the conversation, gently he placed his hand on your back, taking the phone off you"

"Now you listen to me I don't know where you get off speaking to a lady like that, but you will not threaten her, you will not hurt a singly hair on her head-" Tom abruptly shut off his sentance by listening to Max yelling

"She's mine, I'll do what I want with her"

"YOU will not harm her, you will not touch her, and you will not disrespect her. Yn is not yours, she is  a lady, a person, she is not your property, you will not controll her. And you will nnever get near her again" Tom shouting back at Max, you'r legs went from underneath you, falling to the floor, holding your legs just crying your heart out. Tom bent down beside you and wrapped his arm around you, pulling yoou into his chest.

"You will never see her again. You will never hurt her again." Tom told Max as he ended the call. Tom wrapped his other arm around you. gently shushing you and rubbing little circles on your back.

"He's going to kill  me Tom"

"He won't get near you darling"

"He did this to me, rolling your sleeves back to show Tom the bruises on your wrist, and pointing to the cut on your face

"Next time he will kill me"

Tom's eyes welling with tears seeing his best friend hurt by someone she loved.

"My darling, I'll take care of you. He will never hurt you again, I promise"

Taglist

@plutoispurplw

[waywardxrhea]

Part of Your World - George Weasley

Chapter 11

pairing: George Weasley x fem!Muggle!reader

installment list / previous chapter / next chapter

word count: 2,266

content: homesickness, budding friendship

“Dinner’s ready!” your mum called through the halls of the rental house the three of you were residing in, in upstate New York. 

“Coming!” you called back through your closed door, continuing to write furiously in your journal before the idea you had gotten for a scene in your play slipped your mind. Tonight was one of the rare nights that you were home for dinner with your parents. Most other nights you were either at a friend’s flat in the city working on your play for school, or else working at the job you had gotten in Hell's Kitchen after a few months of school at the New York branch of your university. 

Ever since your family moved from London to Poughkeepsie, every member of the family had kept busy with their own respective jobs and hobbies. Your dad was working at a top orthodontist office in the new town; your mum got a job giving voice lessons at the local youth club; and you were juggling university, a waitressing job, and occasionally playing your guitar at one of the local pubs where your parents performed as a duo since they had to leave their band behind back home. All in all, things were going great for the family!

“You’re really stuck on that one scene huh?” suddenly came your mother's voice behind you. You jumped in your seat, the lead of your mechanical pencil breaking as you applied too much pressure on it in your fright due to her quiet appearance behind you.

Letting out a heavy sigh, you slumped against the back of your chair and nodded, telling her, “Yeah… I just can’t seem to find the right words I want these characters to say. We have to have this finished before Christmas break so we can present it when we come back and then hope that it’s good enough to be performed in the black box for the spring play… We’re counting on it to do well…”

“But then even if it doesn’t, you still wrote a play! That’s definitely something to write home about!” your mum told you with a smile, massaging the tension out of your shoulders. “And I think you should. I haven’t heard you talking with Abbie and Jaz in a while, is everything with them okay?”

“I just miss them a lot and it’s hard seeing their faces on video chats and not being able to be there with them…” you admitted quietly, your voice thick with emotion. “They both got lead roles in the musical this winter and I know they’re excited about that, but I just wish I could be there… The plays and musicals we’re rehearsing for are fun and all, but it just doesn’t feel the same without them…”

“Oh I know, sweetheart, but sometimes you have to do things that you aren’t comfortable with in order to grow as a performer,” your mum assured you gently. “Now, you didn’t get the role you wanted in the musical this semester, but I think we can put that up to nerves and being at a new school with all new classmates and directors. You don’t know what they want out of you and you don’t know what they want out of an audition, but maybe this move will be a lesson in getting outside of your comfort zone and learning to adapt to situations you aren’t sure of. I know you’ll only get better from here and soon enough I know you’ll be getting the lead roles you want!”

“Thanks Mum, I really needed that…” you whispered, tears finally falling from your eyes as you leaned into your mother’s embrace. 

“Anytime,” she said. “Now go get cleaned up and meet me in the dining area, your dad should be home any minute. He’ll be pleased to see you home to eat with us.”

“Yes ma’am,” you told her before heading off to your bathroom to wash your hands before the meal. 

“What’ve you got an airplane diagram on your desk for? I didn’t know you were into airplanes,” said Claire, your friend from uni whom you were writing your spring play with. 

By the end of last semester, the play you two wrote had been approved by the directors to be one of the spring black box plays! So you were nearly constantly working on finalising details that included staging, costumes, casting, lighting - the works. Despite the massive task, the two of you had still auditioned to be in the spring musical and landed larger roles in the program that required some time and effort, but not as much as if you were the leads. Because of all the craziness of that combined with the hustle and bustle of New York City, you two had travelled together from the city to Poughkeepsie for the weekend so you would have a more relaxed environment to focus on the finer details of the play. 

With a small smile on your lips, you smoothed out the diagram and told your friend, “It’s just something I was working on back home. There’s something so fascinating about how aeroplanes stay in the air and I wanted to try and figure it out. I still don’t really get it, but I can’t bring myself to get rid of it…”

“Well there’s a reason we’re majoring in performance and not engineering,” Claire joked as she turned her attention to the hamster cage right beside the diagram, reaching in to pet the little fuzz balls and handing them a couple of the baby carrots that you had brought up with you.

After a long while of ironing out details, a substantial amount of crumpled up notebook paper, and a couple bouts of chasing the cats when they ran off with one of the papers you actually needed, you and Claire decided to take a break for a bit. While the two of you walked around the town's streets to get some fresh air, Claire said, “You know, I’ve never heard you talk much about life back in London. Ever since we were paired up to write the play it’s been nearly all talk about that and not much of our personal lives…”

“Oh, wow, I never even realised. We’ve been working so hard on everything I didn’t realise that I don’t really know you as a person,” you said with a quiet laugh as you shoved your gloved hands into the pockets of your coat. “How about a game of twenty-questions?”

“Let’s,” Claire replied before you two took off into the game, venturing vastly further than the intended twenty questions, but neither of you seemed to mind how much time you were spending away from the play. 

By the end of the game, you had figured out that Claire was actually from Texas and was at the university so she could try and get the proper connections so she would be one step closer to a spot on Broadway. You also found out that she used to date one of the girls in your class who had auditioned for the play and got a swing position as recommended by the main directors. Not that Claire had anything to do with that decision… It turned out that she played the same role in Mary Poppins that Jaz had which resulted in an impromptu park performance of Brimstone and Treacle that ended in both of you holding your sides during fits of laughter when a group of children walking past got scared by Claire. 

Claire learned about Evan and why you were afraid of getting into another relationship after that, but that you also felt like ever since you left London, there was a piece of you missing, which had led to many conflicting emotions on the subject. She learned about your grandmother’s passing and how you always sang Sweet Caroline at your performances at pubs to honour her. There was relentless teasing in your direction when the girl figured out your most embarrassing audition moment when you were younger, but it was all in good fun in the end. 

As the two were nearing your family’s  rental home, Claire mused, “You know, I think it’s crazy how you managed to get this weekend off. Aren’t the weekends the busiest times at Broadway Rose?”

“They are,” you said as you opened the door for the pair of you and walked into the warm home that smelled like fresh baked cookies. “But when I explained to Loretta that I needed the weekend to finalise the play we were writing she let me have the time off. She said writing a play like this at the university level is just the thing I’ll need to get my foot in the door once I’m done with school, so she was all for the idea.”

“Not to mention that you regularly get scouted by big names every time you work!” Claire said, the slightest bit of envy in her voice before the two of you greeted your mum in the kitchen. 

“How’s everything going girls?” your mum asked as she handed you a warm cookie each.

“Great!” you both replied in unison, giggling when you realised what you accidentally did. 

“I think we’ve finally got staging down and have a plan for lighting to run by Josh. All we really need is to start rehearsing soon!” Claire detailed after finishing her cookie. 

“Well I’m very proud of the both of you!” your mum said with a warm smile. “May will be here before you know it and that school will get to witness one of the best black box performances ever put on!” 

“Thanks Mum,” you told her with a smile and a sparkle in your eye. Even though all of this was exhausting, you were glad that you decided to lose yourself in something you were passionate about. 

“How are things going back home?” you asked into your laptop’s camera one day when you were finally on summer break from school. You of course were on a video call with Abbie and Jasmine, something that unfortunately had been a rarity in the near year you had been gone due to how busy you kept yourself. 

“Good!” Jasmine told you with a smile on her face. She took a teasing jab at you as she said, “Now that little miss perfect isn’t here, we’ve both been getting more lead roles in school and the local troupe!”

“Ha ha, very funny,” you replied with a playful roll of your eyes. 

“What’s this I heard about you writing a play?” Abbie asked curiously. “I saw on your Instagram that you were tagged in this Claire girl’s post and the caption said you two wrote a play together?”

“Oh yeah! Claire and I wrote a one act romantic comedy for the school’s spring black box performance series!” you said with a wide smile. The smile faltered a bit as you added, “I-I’m sorry I didn’t say anything to you two, I just didn’t want to get my hopes up in case it fell through and then when it did get approved it was crazy trying to get it all pulled together.”

“Girl don’t apologise, you did the dang thing!” Jaz told you enthusiastically. “I’ve also seen videos of you singing at work and I must say your mum must be working overtime on those pipes because damn!” 

You couldn’t help the giggle that tumbled out of you at the compliment, telling your friend, “It’s still weird to see myself online…” 

After a few more minutes of performance talk, you asked, “So how are things going with Thomas, Abbie?” You wiggled your eyebrows teasingly as you added, “If I remember correctly you two were getting quite cosy together in the months before I moved.”

A furious blush radiated onto Abbie’s cheeks that she attempted to hide by taking a drink of tea from a cup while deciding what to say. When she finally composed herself, Abbie replied, “We’re doing well actually! We made it official a few weeks after you left and have been going strong ever since. He’s a great scene partner and we bring out the best in each other.”

“It’s painful how single I am in comparison to her and it actually disgusts me,” Jasmine said with a laugh as she playfully shoved Abbie off the screen for a moment. “Still haven’t found anyone since Evan?” she asked once their play-fight ended. 

You sighed and shook your head, telling Jasmine, “Dating really isn’t something I’m looking for right now, I just want to focus on my studies. You only get so many chances to get yourself connected in our industry and I need to focus on that.”

“You’re so brave,” Jasmine said, a smirk teasing her lips which earned an eye roll from you. 

“Maybe if the right person came around I would consider it, but until then I think I’m leaving the idea alone. I need to be sure this time. I need someone who is going to take care of me and protect me, but who also isn’t afraid to have some fun. That would be my ideal partner.”

Little did you know that your perfect partner was doing just those first two things halfway across the world which was why you ended up in New York in the first place. And while the danger of You-Know-Who was gone, defeated by Harry Potter, George Weasley hadn’t come back for you because he was struggling with demons that presented themselves after losing his twin brother to the war. 

Reader still having foggy memories of the people she loves and feeling like a piece of her is missing kills me 😭😭

on a lighter note, as a Daredevil girly, i would like to believe that Reader has run into Daredevil at least once when she's gotten off of work in the later hours of the night. it's my headcanon and i'm sticking with it!

this one was short n sweet, and in the next one we'll see how George has been dealing with things, not only on the front of his relationship with Reader, but also with dealing with Fred's death (and no, now you now know this isn't going to be an everyone lives fic, sorry! 😅)

dividers by: @firefly-graphics

taglist: @reidmarieprentiss @v1ckycheesue @superduckmilkshake

[luvsfootball]

can i be your first? - darwin nunez.

you were stood there, middle of the football pitch, watching all of the players and their girlfriend’s kiss each other or show affection.

deep inside, you wished you were them. you wished you had the courage to let darwin know about your feelings.

but here you were, stood next to him with the community shield, as a friend.

“do you want to come back to mine for a drink?” he asked you, and you looked up from your phone to meet his eyes. you pondered on the idea for a moment before deciding you had nothing better to do.

“sure, why not.”

darwin laughed as he grabbed your hand, pulling you towards the changing rooms. everyone else would probably be out there for a while, but darwin was tired and wanted to go home and just spend time with you.

when he was ready, you walked back to his car, hand in hand whilst darwin listened to you boasting about how amazing he played today.

“i mean it, darwin. i’m so proud of you!”

he stopped just in front of his car and looked down at you. “you mean it?”

“of course i do.”

when he first moved to liverpool, he had practically begged you to come with him. you were his childhood friend and the only person he knew that could speak english.

you dropped everything for him. you applied for a new job in a well-paying hospital and rented a nice apartment near darwin’s until you had saved enough for your own house.

“i know i don’t say it much, but i love you. i love how you came here with me and have never stopped believing in me.”

“i love you too, darwin.”

his face fell at your words. darwin knew you didn’t mean it the way he meant it. he hesitated before grabbing your wrist, stopping you from getting in the seat.

“what’s wrong?” you asked whilst looking down at his grip on your wrists. “no, i love you.”

you searched his eyes for any sign of a joke and when you couldn’t find anything, you gasped. darwin was half expecting you to just walk away, but he was utterly shocked when you broke out into a smile.

“i love you too, darwin. more than a friend should love their friend.”

he knew you hadn’t even had your first kiss yet, and was greatful for that because he had longed to be your first for years.

“can i be your first?” he husked, voice octaves lower as his stare flickered between your eyes and lips. you could barely string a sentence together so you settled for a nod.

his lips captured yours and you almost melted when his hands wrapped around your waist. your own ones ran through his hair.

“get a room!”

you both broke apart at the sound of trent’s voice and giggled with each other at the way he was stood. “jesus, i’m feeling more single than ever now.”