#and all he can think about is a potential relapse with her in the apartment and he doesnt WANT that

[buck-up-buck]

7x09 theories... (because but of course)

OKAY, so I am going absolutely feral over next week's promo and I have some ideas, as per usual, so let's delve head-first into this, shall we?

First of all, I was so off mark with 7x08 so now that we have confirmed I am not a prophet, we can obviously take every theory I post with a pinch of salt. The only thing I kinda remotely even mentioned was a kidnapping theory and, in my defence, Herman did try to kidnap Bobby and Amir before Bobby ran them off the road so, slay, I was, kinda sorta on the right path, just also totally wrong😂

BUT, let's now talk Ashes Ashes because boy that promo has me feeling some kind of way.

First things first, the scene in which Athena says "I think my husband is in danger", is in a hospital. I have a feeling maybe she is talking to Amir because the Cartel are going after Bobby potentially for saving Amir after he killed that guy. BUT, she could also be talking to anyone and it could still well be Amir who is after Bobby, because I refuse to believe the revenge arc is over and done with. I will be so annoyed if we don't get more on this revenge arc, I swear. BUT, her outfit and the background potentially looks like the scene from the still Tim Minear posted last week. Maybe Bobby gets injured in the fire at Bathena house, some smoke inhalation, a lil burn, something, and that's why he is in the hospital. I am so sure though that the scene with Maddie, Chim and Hen is not the same scene with Athena.

Second, I have a gut feeling, that something about this Bathena house fire is sus. Like, the way Bobby is asleep on the couch and the way he suddenly wakes up and reacts seems so staged to me, that it almost doesn't seem real, like maybe Bobby is dreaming it and the scene doesn't actually happen. I don't know why my first thought was a dream, that maybe his mind is playing tricks on him because he has a feeling he is being hunted and he starts making up crazy scenarios, maybe someone tells him to watch his back, and he loses it a little in worry. I DON'T KNOW, but I just have a feeling that scene isn't all that we think it might be. That, OR, the fire at Bathena house is a warning and there is something darker, and bigger, at play (cough Buck's loft burning down cough) because surely if the big event of the last two episodes was Bathena's house burning down and Bobby getting trapped, or Athena being in danger or what not, they would not have showed us such a drastic clip in the promo. That would have been kept under wraps from us until the episode aired, and we would not have seen a clip like we did.

Thirdly, now don't shout at me for this, I could be so wrong, BUT, I have a feeling Bobby is going to relapse either in the next TWO EPISODES or start of Season 8. I initially had this idea back in September because of seeing potential storylines in another show of a character relapsing and thought maybe ABC would take the route as in season 1, Bobby relapses when Hen and Buck find him in his apartment, and ABC did say they were treating this season as another season 1, reintroducing storylines and what not. I killed the idea because, respectfully, I do now want to see this happen because my man Bobby has been through way too much, BUT, the way he is looking in the promo is very dishevelled and unsettled and I just feel like maybe all of this with Amir is going to make him snap. Again, don't shout at me, I am no prophet, I am just, speaking what I am seeing and sharing my lil crazy brain thoughts. runs away

OKAY, now, onto the rest of the characters. I have feeling we are going to see some kind of divorce era 2.0 with Buck and Eddie, maybe not as big as Season 3, but somewhere along the lines of an explosive argument, and that maybe we get a glimpse of some tension in this episode.

I am NOT okay about the jump scare that is Captain Gerrard at the compensation ceremony, DO NOT LIKE THAT. Bad vibes all over. I feel like maybe something might happen between him and Tommy and Buck is gonna be top tier boyfriend. Like a small lil side plot that just gives us some Tommy angst, and Protective!Buck. Please. I beg. I would also LOVE, a few more kisses, even if just lil cheek pecks, from Buck and Tommy, because now that we have had "that fire was a beast." "so are you" I NEED MORE.

I think that is all for know, I may come back with more, because come on, it's me. I think by the end of the season we need to compile ALL of my theory posts this season and see just how wrong/right I have actually been.

Go forth and thrive 9-1-1 fans.

[drmajalis]

My personal top ten favourite episodes of House cause I'm bored.

No.10 The Down Low "The" queerbait episode, lmfao. A neighbour at House and Wilson's new apartment thinks they're a couple, Wilson tries to convince her otherwise because she wants to sleep with her, House tries to convince her they are to fuck with Wilson, only to get out-fucked by Wilson when he mock proposes to him in public while he's out with the neighbour. Oh and there was some medicine stuff I guess. No.9 The Right Stuff With his old team all gone, House hires 40 new fellowship candidates and pits them in a reality-show style competition to select the new three fellows for his team. Massive amounts of hijinx ensues. No.8 Last Resort A desperate patient takes House, Thirteen, and a number of other patients hostage in Cuddy's room, demanding a diagnosis for his long running condition. The patient's desperation for an answer and House's overwhelming desire to solve puzzles threatens Thirteen's life, who realizes she's afraid of dying after going through a self-destructive binge following her Huntington's Diagnosis. No.7 The C-Word After failing to convince Wilson to play things safe, House commits to helping him with his dangerous, potentially lethal double dose of chemotherapy in the wake of his cancer diagnosis, doing everything he can for his partner, including honouring his wishes that he not just be brought to a hospital to die, and ending by doing something thoughtful enough to make him laugh. No.6 Help Me Having given up on his therapy, House struggles with drug relapse in the aftermath of Cuddy's engagement announcement. At a construction crane collapse, House finds and bonds with a woman in the rubble with her leg trapped, advocating her when everyone says she needs an amputation, but eventually admitting it's the only course, and it was what he should have done years ago, and that he's a worse person because of it. No.5 Forever After the conclusion to no.4 on this list, Foreman tries to make a change in his life as he struggles with his brain damage. The team treats a new mother who's husband found her having seizure in the bathtub with her baby, only for it to turn out that she tried to kill her own baby. Probably the bleakest and darkest episode in the series which is really saying something. No.4 Euphoria Part 1 & 2 House has to treat one of his own as Foreman contracts the same deadly infection afflicting the patient-of-the-week. Things take a turn for the worse when the patient dies, Foreman has to deal with the real possibility he may be next, and House struggles not to let his personal attachment to Foreman affect his judgment. No.3 House's Head & Wilson's Heart House wakes up in a strip club, drunk, and realizes he saw a life-threatening symptom in someone before a brutal bus crash. When it turns out to be someone close to them both it threatens to end their relationship. No.2 Three Stories Roped into giving a lecture to med students, House takes the opportunity to tell three different episodes of patients experiencing leg pain, one of which turns out to be House himself recounting the story behind his leg limp, and showing a little about how he became the person he is today. No.1 Broken House entered a psychiatric hospital at the end of the previous season when his vicodin abuse started giving him hallucinations. Now having finished rehab, he must show his therapist that he has the tools to find happiness and comfort without drugs, and has accepted that he can be a better person.

[paranoidpdsuggestion]

Hi, anon with the friend, here. First of all thank you so much for responding <3 I read through the page you shared, it was super helpful & I will come back to it again and again for sure. I think I did OK last night, my friend is currently safe and seems to be feeling calmer rn. I do have a few follow-up questions if you feel ok answering, I will go into specifics this time, so if you or any of your followers want to stop reading, this would be a good place to do that- I just truly wanted to say thanks.

Anyway, to answer your question: he does trust me & feel comfortable confiding in me, . Last night he was in a state of crisis and he called me for help. He believed he needed to get out of his place for his own safety, so he packed up his most important stuff and asked me to go get him. I went, and like 3 minutes in I realized he was having a delusion. So I parked somewhere safe and just sat with him in my car for like an hour and listened. I did the best I could, didn't try to argue or convince him he was wrong, just did my best to make sure he both WAS safe, and FELT safe. He did calm down a lot, but was still convinced he'd be in danger if he went home, so I helped him check into a hotel for the night. I did convince him not to drop his job, and to wait a few days before making any big decisions, which im super grateful for, but that was it. He was really not in a good place. This morning he texted me & said he felt safe enough to return to his place for now. All good so far.

BUT, here's the thing. This was a really big crisis, I've never seen him this bad. And I don't know how I should talk to him about this, or when. Or shit, idk if I even should try to address it at all. He sometimes believes his roommate is dangerous to him, and so is his family. These are not great people so, fair enough, he's 100% right to be guarded around them, even if sometimes his reasons aren't quite real. Overall though, he was doing so, so well. He was dating this girl and was happy with her, he was self-aware about his delusions and trying hard to keep himself grounded, he was doing great. New job, new apartment. He'd been sober for 2 hard-fought years before this. Then two days ago his piece of shit roommate gave him the stuff he used to be addicted to, and that's what sent him into a spiral. He started feeling threatened by everyone around him, which is why he needed to leave. But he also started to VERY strongly mistrust his girlfriend, he was pretty heartbroken about it but he was CONVINCED she was a part of the thing his delusion was about, and that she was 100% malicious/deceitful towards him from the start. And I just couldn't dispute that at all last night. I don't know if this suspicion will go away or not... The stuff must've worn off by now, but obviously his delusion won't just stop like it never happened. So how can I help him work through it & hopefully get himself back to where he was? I also don't want this to damage his relationship, I would hate to see him lose her or push her away bc of this. Is there any way at all I can help him trust her again? How do I try to ground him without making him suspect me as well? Im so worried, I just want him to be OK.

It's really good that you're able to be there for a friend, that's very sweet of you. I'm really glad your friend can trust you to this extent!

Basically you can address these things, but ensure he is calm and in a good state as well as willing to discuss these things. I think at some point there definitely needs to be a discussion about this roommate and how he can potentially get away from them? Or just... avoid the roommate at the very least. Because if they triggered your friend AND sent them into a relapse that isn't good at all, i'd be concerned for your friend's safety.

And you can definitely talk to him about why he feels his girlfriend is a part of his delusions, but you may need to wait until he has calmed down enough to talk about it without becoming accusatory towards you. If you're in contact with the girlfriend, it's definitely worth it to get her to try and be understanding and have her talk to him as well, to try and reassure him that she is there for him and not against him.

You can remind him about everything good she has done for him and all the good times they had! Maybe even gather some pictures and screenshots he can send to you for safekeeping so when he's in crisis you can send him these things so he can have something to remind himself that his girlfriend is a good person and not somebody to be afraid of. I know that sort of thing helps me when I start having delusions that are against my partner.

-Mod Clemont

[readwitheve]

REVIEW 5: WE’LL ALWAYS HAVE SUMMER BY JENNY HAN

MY RATING: ★★★

Warning: Potential spoilers for those who have not read the books and are awaiting on the series. As such, the review is under the cut.

As can be expected, to finish up the trilogy, we have We’ll Always Have Summer by Jenny Han. I have to say, I love when books are named with a theme, with this being Summer and being called the Summer Series or the Summer Trilogy by fans. Anyway, let’s get to it.

The third and final installment of The Summer I Turned Pretty trilogy, We’ll Always Have Summer, follows Belly as she navigates through college life while being in a relationship with Jeremiah. So much has happened since we last saw Belly, such as her graduating high school and attending college. We miss the first year of her college as the book picks up at the end of it, with Belly and Jeremiah about to go home. We learn that Belly and Jeremiah have been dating for a while now though Belly doesn’t exactly seem to be happy with him as she lists the things Jeremiah does that annoys her.

On one of their last nights at Finch (for the school year, at least), Belly goes to a frat party at Jeremiah’s fraternity and overhears some girls in the bathroom talk. A girl named Lacie Barone, who belongs to the sister sorority to Jeremiah’s fraternity, is talking to a friend of hers about how “hot” Jeremiah looks. Then, it’s revealed that she and Jeremiah hooked up during spring break, at a time when Belly and Jeremiah were on a break, and he never told her as he did not want to lose her. The two spend some time apart, and Belly winds up forgiving him for him cheating on her and they wind up engaged. Unfortunately for the two of them, though, their families aren’t as supportive as they thought or hoped they’d be as her mother and Jeremiah’s father don’t seem particularly excited about the two of them getting married and keep being told to put it off until they graduate and they can live together while they’re in school. Unfortunately for Laurel, Conrad, and Jeremiah’s father, Adam, Belly and Jeremiah are hellbent in getting married as soon as possible. Why wait for forever, right?

Due to an argument with her mother, Belly winds up running away to the summer house and stays in it. And, with her luck, guess who happens to be there? Conrad, of course. The two initially try to avoid each other but it ends up in them sharing meals again and being kind to one another. Soon enough, Belly’s confused about her feelings with Conrad, but doesn’t do anything about it. Fortunately for everyone involved, though, the wedding doesn’t continue and Belly winds up in Spain in her next year of college, finding herself, but trading letters with Conrad.

I personally think this is my least favorite book of the series. I’m not quite sure what it is since I didn’t like the third installment of Han’s other trilogy, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before. The reveal of Jeremiah cheating on Belly seems sudden since it starts off in the beginning of the story, and of course, you can’t help but be critical of two teenagers getting married while they’re still attending college, especially when one of them relies on his father’s money. I’m glad that Jeremiah and Belly didn’t end up getting married since neither of them were right for each other. I think Jeremiah initially liked Belly since he was always competing with his brother and always wanted what Conrad had and mainly saw Belly as a friend, then came to really love her. Whereas with Belly, I don’t think she really ever got over Conrad, at least not when being around him could easily trigger a relapse. It would’ve been unfair to both of them if they’d gotten married.

I was really disappointed we didn’t get to read Susannah’s letters to the boys. We’ve read her letter to Belly, but for her own sons, all we know is that Susannah told Conrad that the first time she’s ever really seen him in love is with Belly, before calling the wedding off. I really would’ve liked to see what Susannah’s last ever words to her sons were, especially considering these letters were supposed to be given to them on their wedding days.

While this is my least favorite book of the series, I do think it’s still worth reading for those who’ve liked the show and do not want to wait another year for the third season to come out to find out what happens, assuming the show will stay true to the book as far as the ending goes, anyway. Overall, I do think the Summer trilogy is an interesting read and I loved seeing Belly grow as a person, and especially reading the letters she and Conrad traded at the end.

[we-are-inevitable]

i would love ALL the thoughts about jack and his kid omg

OKAY I'M GONNA RAMBLE A BIT BUT

okay i'm just. thinking of how terrified he would be coming home from the hospital.

he has everything he needs, because Mama Medda is a saint who helps him so much those first few months; she basically teaches him how to be a parent, because he's. he's not that young, he's 24, but because he lost so many years to addiction he's still playing catch-up on the whole "being an adult" thing, and adding a child into the mix? it's a rough transition.

that first week or so, jack barely gets any sleep- not because his daughter is particularly fussy, but because he's stressed out and he's worrying about everything and he's craving something to calm him down. there's even a time when jack considers the possibility that maybe, just maybe, he made a mistake, and she'd be better off with a different family.

it gets better, obviously; he has everyone else to thank for that. Medda helps him so much, and even watches the baby once Jack goes back to work (i imagine he'd take the first two weeks off; he probably worked a second job up until she was born so he could ensure he had a safety net for those few weeks when he wouldn't be working).

speaking of work, idk if i've mentioned it but like. even with everything going on, jack and davey managed to graduate college! obviously they weren't honors students or anything, but they graduated. jack has a degree in graphic design and is hired on as an in-house designer for an up-and-coming business near his apartment building, but eventually he switches over and starts working at a design agency (he prefers being able to work with a bunch of brands at once, instead of being stuck producing content for a singular brand. this man does Not like doing the same thing every day, let me tell ya)

he also does commissions on the side, both digital and traditional paintings, but that's aside the point

ANYWAY yeah he works as hard as he can to provide for himself and his daughter, and thankfully he does well for himself; they still struggle a bit, and money is tight more often than not, but they have necessities and jack knows how to navigate low funds.

as his daughter gets older, though, finances get better, and jack is able to move into a better apartment closer to work and he's able to pay for daycare instead of relying on Medda (which he felt extremely guilty about; he never wanted to be a burden to her).

but yeah !! it's just him and his little girl against the world

also, some little details that aren't really important:

he teaches her spanish alongside english bc that is one of my FAVORITE things

this was a throwaway thought that kinda took a turn but: his daughter is mixed- mexican on his side, black on her mother's side- and i'm just imagining Jack, Medda, and his three year old, all gathered in Medda's kitchen while she teaches him how to style her hair

"can't i just put her hair in a ponytail" "jack francisco kelly-larkin, sit down and watch me braid her hair"

just. jack being clueless on how to raise a kid is one of my fave things

oh my GOD okay so. all of jack's friends spoil she shit out of her. she has so many toys and really cute clothes and pretty much all of them come from jack's friends (her 'aunts' and 'uncles', as he calls them)

when christmas comes around, everyone goes WILD bc they have an excuse to get her a bunch of stuff

she's very much universally loved by basically everyone in jack's life

(especially davey, once they reunite and davey gets used to the idea of jack Having A Whole Entire Real Kid)

overall, raising her isn't easy, and jack still has days where he struggles even getting out of bed, but his little girl makes things easier. even when his mental health takes a nosedive, she helps him get back on track by just Being There, and his friends and family are all there to help with whatever he needs when things get bad again, bc they don't want to lose him again <3

[izzyinarchive]

discussing the final season of carmen sandiego

*spoilers* umm....so yeah, i finished watching carmen sandiego, and i’m left in a state of perpetual sadness and despair. i feel like the ending of the show wrapped up wayyy too fast, and kind of left off on a bit of an unsatisfactory note for some of the characters. although i love the large and diverse cast of carmen sandiego, one of the drawbacks of having all those characters and arcs and storylines makes it harder to cram in a satisfying conclusion for everyone in a twenty-minute episode. so here’s what i would do if there was more time. 

let’s start off with the threads that i think were tied off pretty well: 

julia & chase devineaux: i wasn’t really a shipper of julia and devineaux but i actually really enjoyed their relationship throughout season 4. we see a lot of character growth from devineaux in the way that he interacts with julia and the world. julia pushes devineaux to become a better person, to see things with a broader perspective and from other people’s points of view. and he does really change a lot into an understanding person instead of the overconfident, arrogant detective we first saw him as in season 1. in addition, he also grows to respect julia as a person and partner, and it’s completely adorable how he looks at her while zari tells julia that they’ll follow her lead. also i love how he keeps wearing his lucky cat jacket from san francisco in season 4.  

el topo & le chevre: okay, i was pretty much shipping these two the minute they showed up on the screen together. you can tell how much they care about each other throughout the series. whenever one of them gets hurt, you can really see how they prioritize each other over whatever thing vile is planning. when things are good, they’re so sweet and they have so much fun together. and they take dumb cute selfies. they’re so, so adorable, and this season definitely brings the shipping fodder. and they end the season moving on from vile and running a food truck together. the only thing i’m mad about is that we definitely needed more screen time from them. 

shadowsan: i didn’t like shadowsan in season 1 but over the course of the series he really went through a lot of major character development and i love how he’s now basically a grumpy dad figure to carmen. the season ends with him finally reuniting for good with his brother in japan, and it’s a satisfying conclusion for his arc. i also love how he was the one to help carmen in the finale when she’s struggling with the brainwashing thing. which is way better than the brainwashing being resolved by some bs like true love’s kiss. (also carmen and gray are way too hurt and they’re super not ready for a relationship.)  carmen sandiego is a show that emphasizes the importance of family with this father-daughter duo, and i think that’s something really valuable. also i’m interpreting that shadowsan isn’t permanently moving to japan, but rather just visiting his brother. he’s still definitely going to be there for carmen going forward when she needs him. 

player & carmen’s friendship: i love this show for having a male/female friendship with absolutely no romantic feelings going on. it’s a solid friendship, and depicts a wholesome, supportive relationship. absolutely no qualms here.

and here’s all the stuff that needs expanding/fixing: 

tigress: i actually really love tigress as a character, and i personally think that there should have been more of her in the series. i would have liked to see more depth and motivation to her, since she has a lot of character potential. i don’t really know how i would rewrite tigress’s arc, because it’s virtually nonexistent and there’s not too much to go off of. i don’t think she needs a redemption arc, but i would give her more of a spotlight. (also low key fictional-crushing on her.) i would like to include sort of a tigress-centric episode, which can also generally be more expansion on the inner workings of vile.

cleo & saira: villain couple. villain couple. they need to be a villain couple, enough said. i would rewrite season 4 to have include an emotional downbeat moment in which saira struggles with being able to fit in with society and humans and being completely awkward at it while cleo, in all her regal and ettiquite-esque manners, tries to help. this wouldn’t really help with the main plot, but it would be humanizing and provide character depth. i feel like this could be the b-plot in the tigress episode somehow. 

coach brunt: you don’t betray family. at this point, coach brunt has lost the daughter she raised, who, in her mind, has basically backstabbed her entirely. coach brunt was also betrayed by shadowsan and left for the police to find, and in season 4, malestrom basically abandons her to drown. and it’s highly likely that somewhere in her backstory she’s been betrayed many times, likely by her own blood family, which would provide context for why she’s such a loyal person to vile, who she thinks of as her found family. in rewriting season four, i’m adding one extra episode that’s solely on the backstory of coach brunt. in this episode, we would explore brunt’s upbringing and the first time she is betrayed by someone she considers family. in my opinion, coach brunt was likely pushed to fall by another influence, but she also makes the conscious choice to choose revenge over moving on. potentially, we could also explore brunt’s budding friendship with the mechanic, who we never see again after that one episode, as well as a reflection upon this from her adult self. 

gray & the freaking mind control thing & his moral struggles: *sighs* i can see what the show is going for, but i really just don’t see it in the execution. the way that gray struggles with morality is like it’s an on and off switch. he’s either graham, basic civilian, or crackle, basically evil. in that one episode, he flip flops between being overly heroic, even taking out time from his day to specifically track down a random kid to return his wallet instead of just dropping it off at the police station or leaving it where he found it. and then the flip side is like he’s just robotically relapsing into stealing mode, where he just suddenly has to impluse to steal literally anything. i feel like this flip flop wasn’t really a good portrayal of his struggle and didn’t really demonstrate many active choices made by him. and the way that he’s just like “i’m actually just evil” when he confronts carmen at the lab is just super one-dimensional. i just don’t buy it that he flips to vile so quickly in the span of a few episodes. i feel like there should have been more active reflecting and the decision should have been dragged out longer. 

also it’s revealed in the finale that gray also changed his crackle rod to not go beyond a stun, and i think this was a nice touch, because it demonstrates his aversion to murder, which calls back to the first caper, in which he’s confronted with killing the archeologist at the excavation site. but he doesn’t end up having to make that choice, because carmen stops him. but this time, it’s his own choice to take that step away from vile ideals. i don’t think gray is ever going to be a “hero” of the traditional sense or have a complete redemption arc, because it just doesn’t fit him. to be honest, i don’t know what the future will hold for gray, but i definitely think of he will fall somewhere along the lines of red x (teen titans) or catwoman’s (in certain comic runs) gray morality. (and i think the way gray returns to vile kind of screws this up.) he’s still going to steal stuff sometimes probably, but he’s not going to straight up murder people. he would probably be the type to work for himself alone mostly, but be okay teaming up with the good guys sometimes. definitely no joining evil organizations tho. 

gray & carmen & the “i know you’re in there somewhere fight:” i definitely ship these two, but i think they’ve got a long way to go before they’re really ready to admit their feelings for each other. i’m happy that the “i know you’re in there somewhere fight” didn’t culminate in a kiss scene being the thing that snapped carmen out of the trance. because that is just so cliche and not the message of the show. instead, it’s shadowsan who does. and that makes sense going along with the themes of family. i think the issue with this i dislike how there is no more elaboration after carmen supposedly kills gray. this is her best friend. i would imagine that the reaction would be greater, since he was also her friend and teammate during the months they were both working under vile. and then when carmen’s brainwashing wears off, she agonizes that she killed her best friend. but that’s it. the “i know you’re in there somewhere fight” is the last screen appearance of both of them together. then it’s directly cutting to taking down vile. there should have been a hospital scene where carmen rides with him in the ambulance and talks to him as he’s unconscious, and leaves behind a note for him to read when he’s awake. 

i just really think there should be a “heart to heart” scene somewhere in this finale where they confront their feelings (not romantic stuff, but more about like shared trauma at the hands of vile and their broken apart friendship). this could happen at that sydney cafe. both times carmen and gray go on a “date” she leaves him sitting there alone, bewlildered. i think the finale should include a scene of them leaving the cafe together and then walking away and waving to each other. this shows development in their relationship, and that they are now closer, but it also visually shows that they still have differences as they walk away with a sort of two toned kind of environment angle that shows the different paths they have chosen. (and carmen calls him gray. and he doesn’t correct her.) it’s more of a see you later, than a goodbye though. we’re also getting rid of that part of when gray says he doesn’t want to complicate carmen’s life in the hospital scene. instead, he’s going to ask for a sheet of paper on which he will write an indiscernible letter to carmen. (the same letter will be seen in at the carmen brand outerwear hq a few scenes later for continuity, but unopened at the time, as if carmen’s not yet ready to read it. i feel like both of them need to heal a bit on their own before they’re ready to reconnect. gray knows he has hurt carmen in the past but he also knows it will hurt her if he disappears without a trace, so he’s leaving her with the choice if she wants to see him again instead of making the choice for her.)

ivy & zach & found family: carmen leaves a note behind for ivy and zach and leaves to find her mother. i feel like this did not handle team red’s found family very well. basically, the whole show is setting up this importance of family, especially found family not blood family kind of narrative. vile blood runs in carmen’s veins but she chooses to do good and find her own family. ivy and zach both choose carmen, their found family, over their racing career. i think that they should have stuck together, and when carmen goes to find her mom, they would have been totally onboard dropping her off at the airport and saying a “see you soon” or actually driving her to carlotta valdez’s house in lydia (the car). i just don’t think that splitting them up via a note is really a satisfying conclusion to the whole found family aspect. and in that time skip carmen really should have stopped by to say hi to the zach and ivy and the acme squad instead of maintaining the air of mystery. that would have definitely pushed the family feel, instead of the mysterious loner archetype. 

that time skip thing: yeah, no. this part was completely not needed and unhelpful. instead, we’re going to have carmen hug her mother at the airport, and go to visit all of her friends and found family, especially shadowsan in japan and ivy and zach in presumably boston. and the time skip will be a few onths not two effing years. i think it’s natural for them to grow apart a bit and pursue their own personal goals in life after vile’s gone, but they’ll definitely be staying in touch and reconnecting and seeing each other pretty often. and lastly of all, carmen will meet gray at the cafe in sydney.

basically, this is how i would redo the episodes for season 4. 

episode 1: the beijing bullion caper. (this episode remains as is for the most part, i would like more expansion on lady doksu and shadowsan's past since it seems like their pasts are more tied together than is revealed)

episode 2: the big bad ivy caper. (this episode remains as is for the most part.)

episode 3: the robo caper. (the scenes in which carmen first meets the robot and ivy runs it over with a truck can stay the same. where we start to deviate is with gray’s story with a revised, more complex, and in depth view of his moral struggles. instead of being unaware largely as gray flops between graham/crackle, he’s going to be a lot more aware. he’s still going to rob the house, but instead it’s because he feels hopeless that since he was previously a criminal, that’s all he’s ever going to be. gray doesn’t want to be a civilian, and feels like the only thing that he can do instead is be a part of vile. however, when he sees carmen again, he’s going to realize that if she got out of vile, then that means he has a chance to get out of it too. gray comes to a crossroads of deciding between carmen and vile, good and evil. 

episode 4: this will be the episode that concentrates on tigress, with a cleo/saira b-plot. most of this episode will take place within vile, and give more insights on the workings of the organization. 

episode 5: the himalayan rescue caper. (this episode is going to get a real makeover. with the insertion of episode 4, this creates more actual space between the last time we see gray grappling with his big choices, which makes it feel like more time has passed. so it actually feels like he had more time to think. carmen’s still going to try to rescue gray, and the part with player can stay the same. as gray is manipulated by malestrom, i think this episode should further emphasize how vile manipulates their recruits and amp up the shittiness of how malestrom is acting. i think malestrom should say something along the lines indicating that vile is gray’s only family left, this is what he was born to do, he belongs with them, and make up a bunch of bullshit lies about carmen. malestrom will portray this stuff as the “truth” and then say something like “we told you to the full truth, while carmen was hiding your past from you. didn’t you say you wanted to piece together more of your past?” (which gray did express interest in a previous episode.) since more time has passed, malestrom will play the “if carmen wanted to rescue you, she would have done so already. she abandoned you.” card. of course, it’s not easy to get into a super advanced vile facility, so instead carmen’s going to be having more struggles with getting in, which is the real reason she’s taking a while.) i want to keep the scene where he says that his name is crackle, not gray and not graham. i think this scene is particularly painful because graham/crackle is kind representative of the two sides of good and evil that gray thinks he has to choose between. gray will accuse carmen of abandoning him, both in the present but demonstrating that he’s still hurt by the time when she first left vile, and all those times when she kept secrets from him and disappearing in sydney. carmen asks him to leave with her, but instead of him being like “i’m bad, and i was always a villain,” he’s just going to be hurt and feel manipulated and be so conflicted. i feel like gray would choose vile, but not because it’s where he belongs but because he’s afraid of being brainwashed again if he doesn’t agree and because he just wants to know the truth, which vile happened to tell him first (and carmen had been hiding it from him for a while). why would it make sense for gray to willingly side with vile because he’s “throughly bad?” actions speak louder than words, and it’s clear that he’s definitely not evil enough for vile. 

episode 6: the vile history caper. (we’re just going to keep this episode as is for the most part. but like more el topo and le chevre moments.) 

episode 7: this will be the coach brunt backstory episode, piggybacking off of her hurt feelings about maelstrom’s intended betrayal. 

episode 8: the egyptian decryption caper. (this one is just going to be as is for the most part. the cleaners kidnap carmen, but we’re going insert one more painstaking scene of gray learning of vile’s plan to kidnap carmen. he’s not going to know they are planning to brainwash her. he’s going to feel conflicted and try to protest, but then realizes that now that he’s stuck with vile, if he goes against them he’s probably going to get brainwashed himself. and the brainwashing was really traumatizing, so it’s understandable he’s really afraid of it happening to him again.)

episode 9: the viennese waltz caper. (mostly just keeping this episode as is, but more worrying gray scenes. i feel like he should have had a bigger reaction to seeing carmen so unlike her personality. carmen’s lack of empathy should have pushed himself to question if vile is really a healthy place for anyone if they’re so willing to brainwash his best friend in a greater capacity. i think gray should recognize how bad the situation is but he still won’t act upon it since he’s trapped in the nostalgia of their old squad and since he’s been abandoned by carmen before, he’s too afraid that reversing the brainwashing will result in a repeat of her leaving him again. and he’s still afraid of the brainwashing.) 

episode 10 + 11 + 12. the dark red caper. (yeah, this episode is kind of just way too quickly wrapped up. i’m going to expand this into a three parter so we have more time to focus on everyone. basically, we’re going to expand this for the angst. and because this is the last season and i need more content. i feel like we can follow the general plot trajectory but with more nuance and include the improvements i wrote above about the finale. absolutely pushing the found family trope to its limits, and less vagueness since there’s not going to be another season. oh yeah, and the scene when carmen fights shadowsan, i feel like they could have amped up the emotional stuff and make it as much as about him being her dad figure as the doll because #foundfamily. and also the extra time gives more space for all of that other stuff like endings for all the characters, and more team red found family, and a bit about the non-jailed vile operatives, and the acme team, and also maybe a little infrastructure rebuilding montage, and also that carmen and gray moment.)  

basically i just want a satisfying ending for gray, and i love him, and he can’t just stare out of the hospital bedroom and agree to stay out of her life while melancholy music plays. 

[sisterspooky1013]

Only One Choice, Part 2, Chapter 3

Read it here on AO3 / Tagging @today-in-fic

Winter soldiers on, the cold and occasional snow giving way to the promise of spring. Her birthday comes and goes, celebrated at her mother’s with her family as it had been before there was someone else to lay claim to her time on special days. The vacant spaces in her apartment that had been occupied by Ethan’s books and clothes, his toiletries, and VHS collection, begin to be filled by evidence of her new, single life. Her solitary toothbrush in the cup by the sink starts to look normal, the indent on her finger where his ring lived begins to fade, and the silence she arrives home to at the end of her workday becomes mundane instead of painful. Though this change was initiated and welcomed by her, change is always hard. She goes through the motions of being okay until one day in early April, she realizes that she is. The budding crocuses bring with them the optimism of a new life, another chance. A third chance, as it were, to get it right. Now she only has to figure out what right is.

Though they’ve always been close, she and Missy become even closer, taking up the space in each other’s lives that would otherwise be consumed by boyfriends or lovers. They are each other’s better half, sharing the minutiae of their workdays and staying available for unexpected illness or the need to move heavy furniture. While every human needs other humans to thrive, the Scully sisters fill that need with each other, shunning the idea of casual dating simply for the sake of companionship. There is no companion more perfect than the one who has known you since before you could understand the need for such a partner in life, and who is by your side not out of obligation, but because their soul is stitched so firmly to your own. They have always pledged their dedication to each other through thick and thin, and the new year of 1997 proves that to be a sincere promise on both their parts.

As such, they sit at their favorite local coffee shop on Sunday afternoon when Missy finally dares to ask her sister the question she’s avoided for the past four months. Not because she was afraid of her reaction, but because she knew Dana wasn’t ready to talk about it.

“Have you heard from Mulder at all?” she asks so casually that Dana flicks her eyes up and stares in disbelief, not sure that she heard her right.

“What?” Dana asks, her heart having lept for one single beat at the mention of his name.

“Mulder. Have you had any contact with him, or seen him?” Missy is misleadingly casual, acting as though this is not a question she’s been waiting months to ask.

“No,” Dana says flatly, her eyes dropping down to her coffee cup. “I wouldn’t expect to.”

“Does he know that you and Ethan split?” Missy asks next, her feet folded underneath her in the oversized armchair.

“I don’t see how he would,” Dana posits.

“Have you considered reaching out to him?” Missy tries, watching her sister for signs that she is going to shut the conversation down.

Dana shakes her head glumly. “After what I put him through, I’m sure I’m the last person he wants to hear from. That was nearly nine months ago, he’s probably long since moved on.”

“Have you? Moved on?”

Dana pulls in a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “I don’t know how to answer that. What does it mean, to move on?”

“Do you still think about him?” No assertions, just gentle questions, leading her sister to the conclusion she knows she needs to come to.

Dana nods softly. “All the time. Every day.”

“Then I think your answer would be no. You should contact him, Dana. It feels like unfinished business.” Missy has a thing about unfinished business. She believes it prevents you from achieving your full potential in life.

“Missy...what would I even say? ‘Sorry I broke your heart, good news is it didn’t even work out so it was all for nothing’? I don’t want to cause him more pain than I already have.” Her tone is resigned and defeated. Another regret she will come to live with, pinned to her lapel with a collection of other mistakes that she can never quite atone for.

Missy shrugs. “You know what I think. The rest is up to you.”

Missy is right. The trouble is, she doesn't trust herself to make these decisions anymore. She’s proven to herself that she doesn’t know how to make the right one.

———

“Excuse me,” a rough, nasally voice calls from behind her. She turns to see a red nosed young man in the doorway of the pathologist’s office, slumped against the doorframe with watery eyes. “I’m here to pick up an autopsy report, for, um...I think it’s Richards or something.”

Scully has worked with this courier before, and compared to his typical demeanor it’s easy to tell that he’s unwell.

“Are you alright?” she asks as she uses her feet to push her rolling chair over to the file cabinet, retrieving the report in question.

“Uh, not really, no. But if I call out sick one more time I’m gonna get canned.” He leans his head against the cool metal of the doorframe. She suspects he’s feverish.

“You don’t look well enough to work. Where is this headed?” she asks, still holding the file in her hand.

The young man blows out a stream of air and she holds her breath for a moment, not wanting to inhale whatever he’s infected with. He pulls a slip of paper from his pocket. “Hoover Building, Behavioral Science Unit. Agent Kissop.” He stuffs the paper back in his pocket and looks around, taking refuge in the extra chair near the end of her desk.

She feels a little flutter in her belly; what are the odds?

“I’ll tell you what,” she begins, “I was just about to head out for the day and I live in Georgetown, so I’m going that way anyway. Can I drop this off for you? You don’t look well enough to drive and I’d hate to see you on the news in the morning if you cause an accident.”

He sighs deeply, the biggest display of excitement he can muster. “Are you sure? I’d really appreciate it,” he says, his eyelids barely maintaining half-mast.

“No problem at all,” she replies, gathering her coat and purse. “You get home and take some Tylenol, okay? And get some rest.”

He nods weakly and she leaves him there, climbing into her car with the file and a pounding heart. She can’t help but feel like this is a sign. She’s been thinking about signs a lot lately, and she’s recently resolved to start paying attention to them.

———

Mulder stands beside the copy machine, doing his Wednesday afternoon ritual of fighting with the toner cartridge and cursing profusely. From around the corner, he can hear AD Kirkbride drumming up his own song of profanity, which is more of a daily ritual than a weekly one.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Kirkbride is shouting. “Now that dipshit is conning goddamn doctors into doing his pathetic job?”

Another much softer voice answers him, but Mulder can’t quite make out the words. He moves closer to the open door, bored enough to bother eavesdropping and seeing which of his colleagues is going to get their ass handed to them today.

“Yeah, I’m sure he is sick, that fucking lowlife. He’s sick every fucking week, it’s always something with him!”

“Sir, I don’t know what the history is between you and the courier,” answers the other voice, and it’s familiar in a way that makes him stop in his tracks, his stomach clutching in a mix of nervousness and excitement. “Can you direct me to Agent Kissop, please? Then I’ll be on my way and you can work it out with the courier service.”

It’s Scully. It’s her, he’s sure. He’s been dreaming of that voice for months, the soft sibilant S’s and the way her plush lips rest against her adorable overbite. Without thinking, he enters Kirkbride’s office and sees her standing in front of his desk with a file in her hand and an exasperated look on her face.

“Scully?” he asks, and she turns to him. Her hair is a bit longer, now just past her shoulders, and she’s wearing black slacks and a white blouse. She’s as beautiful as ever, maybe even more than he remembered. She doesn’t look all that surprised to see him. If anything, she looks relieved. Emotion boils up in his chest immediately and he feels his throat constrict.

“You know her?” Kirkbride asks, gesturing to Scully, and Mulder nods. “Great, then show her where Kissop sits so I can call the fucking courier service and tell them to fire that lazy asshat before I strangle him.”

Scully walks towards him and he turns wordlessly to show her out of Kirkbride’s office and down the hall to where Kissop sits. His heart is beating slowly but firmly, his pulse resounding in his ears. What is she doing here? Did she come here to see him? And if so, why? When they arrive at Kissop’s desk, Scully hands her the file and they exchange words that Mulder doesn’t bother to listen to. Then Scully looks at him hesitantly and slowly turns to walk away, towards the exit. He feels suspended, unsure if he can believe his own eyes that she is really here, and entirely conflicted over what to do about it if she is. He’s spent nine months trying to forget her, but she’s as real and alive as ever, standing before him. His self-protective instinct says to let her go, but his heart says to run after her.

“Quit standing here like a dumbass and go talk to her,” Kissop orders him, clearly picking up on some tension though she doesn’t have the faintest idea what’s causing it.

Shaken from his daze, Mulder follows Scully into the hallway.

“Scully,” he calls out, and she stops walking but doesn’t turn around. When he catches up to her, he touches her shoulder and she turns to face him with wet eyes.

They stand there for a moment, looking at one another, an expectant feeling hanging over them. He wants to touch her, to feel the press of her body against his again, but he doesn’t dare. That would seem like a relapse, of sorts.

“Would you have coffee with me?” she finally speaks, her voice small and unsure. It’s an invitation she is not at all confident he will accept.

“Okay,” he answers, and they walk out of the building side by side, silently.

They seem to understand without saying so that Mulder will lead them to where they ought to go, which is a little cafe called Burial Grounds just a block from the front doors of the Hoover Building. They stand in line stoically, tension crackling between them like static as they order something that will occupy their hands and give them a safe place to avert their eyes while they talk. They sit at a small table near the door and wait, glimpsing at each other’s faces and then away, summoning courage. Because this was at Scully’s invitation, it seems like she should have the floor.

“Ethan and I aren’t together anymore,” she finally blurts out, and his first instinct is to look at her hand, which is indeed bare of any jewelry. Next he looks at her face, considering her expression and whether she takes this to be good news or bad. She looks pained, but not about what she’s just said. She’s had this look on her face since he first spotted her in Kirkbride’s office. He’s unsure if he should be offering congratulations or condolences, and irritated that he’s being put in the position to figure it out, so he says nothing.

“I’m sure that I’m just about the last person you want to see,” she continues, her ocean irises tracing the logo printed on her cup. It wasn’t a question, but if it were he’d tell her that she’s the only person he wants to see, the only one he ever thinks about. The reason he can’t sleep and, when he does, the only thing he dreams about. “If it’s okay, there are some things I’d like to say to you. I understand if you don’t want to hear them.”

She flicks her eyes up to meet his for a moment and he nods softly, keeping his expression neutral. She returns her gaze to the skull and crossbones bearing the name of the coffee shop.

“I have always believed that life is about making the right choices. That we are presented with an ongoing series of options, opportunities and situations, and that we are tasked with determining the right choice that will put us on the path towards the best possible life. But as of late,” she pauses to take a sip of her coffee, stealing a glance at him before she continues, “I’ve come to believe that there is actually only one choice. One path we’re supposed to be on, and there are signs along the way to pay attention to. The choices might not always make sense at the time, but in the grand scheme of things, they are the ones you need to make in order to have the best possible life. Or the right life, the one you’re supposed to have.”

She pauses and slides her hand across the table, covering his with her own. The soft warmth of her skin electrifies him a little, sending a flush to his belly. She brings her eyes up to meet his, her brows knit with emotion as her chin gently puckers. She’s so beautiful it physically hurts.

“I ignored the signs,” she says tightly. “I made the wrong choice, Mulder. I thought I was doing the right thing, the best thing, but I was wrong. I’m so sorry that I hurt you.”

He feels his chest tighten, a telltale precursor to tears, and he looks away from her. Why is she doing this? To make herself feel better? She pulls her hand back and sniffs, then stands and slings her purse over her shoulder.

“Thank you for having coffee with me,” she says, and then he watches her leave. He sits there, staring at the pink lipstick that stains the rim of her cup, wishing she’d given him some more time to absorb it all. Wishing she’d never made the wrong choice.

[matthiasschoenaertsdaily]

Matthias Schoenaerts full interview for De Morgen Magazine (original in Flemish, translated into English by @matthiasschoenaertsdaily​)

Interview by Els Maes, published on November 28, 2020

Even a global pandemic will not destroy the optimism of actor Matthias Schoenaerts (42). Because he knows from his own experience how much beauty can emerge from the most hopeless situations. "I've had my back against the wall often enough, I'll always find a way out."

A bleak autumn day on a concrete square. There is lukewarm coffee, lukewarm Chimay and rolling tobacco. At dusk we see the silhouettes of fat rats that shoot past our ankles. And yet Matthias Schoenaerts will tell us in a glowing argument that this, here and now, is the very best place to be. That there is so much beauty to discover, he says. Le paradis c'est ici. As long as we want to see it.

"It's strange to say in this unpleasant period, but I've enjoyed the past few months enormously. It's the first time in ten years, since Runskop actually, that I'll be home for a long period of time. This is so beneficial: I am photographing, painting, writing. I can devote time and attention to the very simple things we'd otherwise race past."

"Seriously, look at that," he says, picking a leaf off the ground. "Those colors, that pattern. I can spend hours looking at the pure beauty of the things that surround us."

Above us a pigeon is wreaking havoc between the thinned out foliage. "While you are singing about the wonderful beauty of nature, that animal is going to shit on our heads," I say. "And that too will be a s-p-l-e-n-d-i-d moment," Schoenaerts answers.

Matthias Schoenaerts is Belgium's most successful international film star. But here and now, on a bench in his hometown, he is a technically unemployed actor, an all-round searching artist, but above all: fighter of cynicism. "I refuse to go along with all negativity and fear. The true battle today is cynicism versus courage. And I always choose the latter."

We're on the Oudevaartplaats, the square that everyone knows as the Antwerp Bird Market, and where Schoenaerts' childhood memories are waiting to be picked up. It comes into the conversation just like that: Brando, the cute chow chow that little Matthias got from his mom on this square, when here on the bird market puppies were still sold. "My dogs were my great loves. The home situation was often difficult, and with my dogs I found security. We had three chow chows, those fluffy lion dogs with a blue tongue. Brando was the first, I loved that animal."

"We lived in a small apartment with three dogs, anything but ideal. One day we let them go, to people with a large estate. That was heartbreaking."

There is a beautiful lesson in that, about love and letting go. It would have been selfish to keep your dogs if you could give them a nicer life elsewhere, wouldn't it?

"Absolutely, but I obviously didn't process that departure properly. Brando still appears in my dreams, after all these years. Then he returns home unexpectedly, and am I mad with joy.

"I often dream about my parents too: that reunion is so intensely beautiful and warm. Oh, there you are, finally! Those dreams are true to life, and the awakening is rock-hard."

Is that one of the reasons why you like being here in Antwerp, because here you feel more connected to the people that you loved?

"This is my home, my zero, I can't imagine a place in the world where I would rather live. When my mom was alive, and especially when she got sick, in between filming I tried to be with her as much as possible here in Antwerp. In the meantime I have an apartment here, my first permanent place of my own, but I've hardly been there in recent years. Now I can finally enjoy my home, I find peace, tranquility and inspiration there. I have seen fantastic sunsets on my roof terrace in recent months. So much beauty, and you can just admire it there, every day, for free. As long as you take the time to enjoy it.

"Normally I would have started filming again in April, and left for a hectic ride of at least two years, with projects that would follow each other quickly. I was at my limits, sooner or later I was going to bang my head against the wall. I feel how beneficial it is to slow down for a moment. David Lynch said that: 'Just slow things down and it becomes more beautiful'.

"As an actor you have to work in a big machine, according to a tight schedule. I have now discovered the pleasure of creating things for myself very spontaneously in my own cadence."

Is that work something you ever want to go public with?

"I want to do something with my photography someday, but I'm in no hurry. I'm also writing a film script, I've had an idea for a trilogy for a long time. It's a very personal project, and it takes time for it to crystallize into something very pure and proper. Maybe those films will come within ten years, maybe never.

"The most important thing is to keep busy. You have to look for something, anything, on which you can focus your passion, love and attention. Of course I would like to return to set, and those projects will come back later. But if I can't change anything about a situation, why worry about it?

"From a very young age I learned that there are not many certainties in life, I adapt easily to unexpected circumstances. There is one thing I can't stand, and that is feeling powerless. I never want to be the victim of a situation, I will always think: what can I do myself? Which way can I go? I have often enough stood with my back against the wall, I will always find a way out and take matters into my own hands."

So Schoenaerts decided to use this period to put Zenith - his artist name as a street artist - to hard work. Since the lockdown he has already created nine impressive murals, including one in the courtyard of the Oudenaarde prison, and one at the beginning of this month in the Antwerp Begijnenstraat, on the bare walls that form their furthest horizon for the prisoners. A moving event, he says. Not only by the touching conversations with inmates, and the forty-minute applause with which the prisoners welcomed him. "The mural contains a poem by my father. While I am there painting those beautiful words of my dad on the wall, I suddenly remember that my mom used to give meditation lessons to the prisoners there in the Begijnenstraat. I had completely forgotten about that until I stood there. How beautiful that is. Suddenly I felt my parents very tangible, very close to me."

It's a bit funny: a long time ago you were arrested for graffiti, now they invite you to prison to make a mural.

"I used to tag a lot, but I really don't like the vandalism that sometimes comes with graffiti. Defacing a facade, that's just ridiculous. But trains, bridges, tunnels.... frankly I think that's the max. Soon I'm going to do another oldskool graffiti wall, with some friends, back to the roots. But with permission, yes."

Scary dudes

The problems of the Belgian detention system are well known: outdated infrastructure, overcrowding and a system of pre-trial detention which means that some people are innocently stuck for years. Schoenaerts: "These are human lives that are destroyed by the Belgian state, isn't that scandalous?"

Schoenaerts' engagement started years ago, after meeting Hans Claus, prison director in Oudenaarde, who contacted him when he wanted to organize a screening of Le Fidèle, the film by Michaël R. Roskam starring Schoenaerts. Claus has been fighting for many years for a reform of our detention system, among others with the non-profit organization De Huizen, small-scale centers that are more focused on rehabilitation and reintegration of the detainee. How does Schoenaerts see his role? "Those murals are a kind of lubricant for me, to get attention for this problem. I am not the expert and I am certainly not a politician. This injustice touches me as a human being, and my message is clear: please listen to the people who have been working hard for decades to reform the system from the inside."

In The Mustang, your last feature film to be seen here before the lockdown, you take on the role of a prisoner who learns to tame wild horses and his demons. Has that role changed your vision?

"That rehabilitation program with mustangs really exists, and the chance of recidivism is almost zero percent. I had a conversation in the Begijnenstraat with the minister of Justice Vincent Van Quickenborne (Open Vld, ed.), and he told me that the chance of relapse here is 40 to 50 percent. Isn't that madness?

"That's what fascinates me most of all: what do we do with those detainees while they're stuck? How can we help to break the destructive patterns that put them in prison? Imprisonment is a punishment in itself, but someday we'll send those people back into society, so let's mainly support them in their self-development.

"In preparation for The Mustang, I visited prisons in the U.S., and talked to men who had been detained for 20, 30 years. Heavy guys: Aryan Brotherhood (powerful crime syndicate of neo-Nazis in American prisons, ed.), Mexican gang leaders... real scary dudes. You know what those say to me? That they live in fear every day, but they must not show weakness. Psychological counseling and things like that have their value, but that's often very cerebral. I especially believe in the healing power of art. Imagine that inmates can express all those fucked up emotions through art: I think that there is an enormous potential in this."

I heard you're playing with the idea of giving acting lessons to inmates?

"That's not a concrete plan yet, but I would love it if people from the creative sector would commit themselves to this: musicians, sculptors, dancers. Or writers who help prisoners put their own story into words.

"The cultural sector needs to start sticking its neck out. The sector is lying flat, and that's terrible. But we have to keep moving. We can all do something for the community, without being paid for it. Planting small seeds, doing something good for your fellow man, something beautiful always comes out of it."

Had you been to a prison before The Mustang?

"To visit friends, yes. In Merksplas, Hoogstraten, Hasselt, Dendermonde... We shouldn't talk about that any further. A prison is deep tristesse. Who dares to call that 'a hotel', shame on you."

This summer you painted an impressive mural in Paris in honor of George Floyd, murdered by American officers. And in Ostend last week a new mural was unveiled, with a 'decapitated' Leopold II. Is activism an important part of your street art?

"Graffiti used to be more of a style exercise for me, you want to create things that get noticed within the scene. But gradually I felt like communicating with a wider audience. I like to incorporate a lot of symbolism in my paintings, such as the cracks I photograph all over the world and then magnify them in another place. And the praying hands, a universal image of hope and faith in yourself. Art has the power to speak to our deepest emotions, and that is what binds us to the other. Connectedness, empathy, harmony, solidarity, that's the essence for me."

The corona crisis is one big exercise in empathy and solidarity. Sometimes we seem to lack that.

"I refuse to surrender to cynicism, and I surround myself with positive people who do beautiful things for others. This period would lead us to insights: how do we deal with each other? Do we help each other, or is it every man for himself? A human is such a wonderful creature, but we mess it up so much for ourselves.

"Yeah, I know. Some people who read this will think: this guy is smoking too many joints. (laughs) I don't smoke joints, and I'm not an unworldly idealist. But I will always focus my attention on the good, in spite of everything."

If you always want to see the good in people, are you sometimes disappointed?

"Yes, of course. I'm not a naive brat, I've learned to guard my boundaries. I can't please everyone all the time, and I don't let anyone rush me. I react badly when people put pressure on me because they want things from me. The perception of me that others have of me, I can't control. I don't let myself put out of balance easily anymore."

I saw that on your Instagram Stories you warned about fake profiles on social media, of people pretending to be you. That made you visibly angry.

"Really, that makes me angry. Every day I receive screenshots from people who have been tricked by crooks who approach innocent victims with my name and my pictures. There are stories of fans who have paid thousands of euros because they were promised a meet-and-greet with me. How disgusting is that? One person has transferred 14,000 euros to someone who pretended to be my manager.

"Of course, that raises questions about how gullible some people can be. But I've seen those chat conversations for myself: those criminals are terribly sneaky. They know how to play on the vulnerabilities of their victims in a very cunning way. This is manipulation and swindle of the filthiest kind.

"Really, I get physically unwell when I think about it. How can someone be so mean? If I ever catch these guys, I'm gonna bash their skulls in, I'm not kidding. Sorry."

Or: those crooks get a jail sentence, where you're going to give them acting lessons.

(laughs) "Okay, let it be clear that I think everyone should be punished for their crimes. My commitment to the prison system is not a plea for impunity, and I certainly don't want to romanticize crime.

"But when someone abuses innocent people's trust in such a cunning way, the question is: how did you derail so morally? And above all: how can we initiate a transformation in that person? Surely you can't lock someone up and expect that person to suddenly make better choices years later? First such a person has to take responsibility for his own actions."

Do you have something criminal on your conscience?

"No." (Thinks for a second) "No. Thank God. I couldn't live with that.

"I've probably hurt people in my life, like everybody else. Sometimes we just hurt people because of who we are, or because we can't fulfill what others want from us. But I have never harmed anyone consciously or criminally, no."

As a teenager you sometimes came into contact with the juvenile court, for vandalism. Do you think you could have ended up on the other side of the bars?

"Probably, a life can take strange turns sometimes."

What made you sit here today, and not get on the 'wrong' path?

"Wait... that's a good question. There's the one terrible dramatic event that caused a total turnaround in my life: when my dad went into a coma after a psychosis, and I was told he only had 24 hours left to live.

"I was 21 then, thrown out of school for the umpteenth time. I was doing graffiti and wanted to find my way creatively. But I was messing around, going with friends who... Anyway, there was latent danger, it threatened to go a little bit the wrong way.

"And then I got that phone call: come and say goodbye. Bam. The relationship with my father had been sour for years, we hardly saw each other. Until I stood there at his deathbed in intensive care... I only felt love, a wave of emotions that I had pushed down very deeply. That realization was rock-hard: this was it. My father and I will never get the chance to figure shit out, I thought.

"Long story, the rest is known: after 72 hours my father woke up from a coma against all odds. Like a plant: he could not speak, reacted to nothing or nobody. According to the chief psychiatrist, we had to accept that his condition would never improve. That was without the fighting spirit of my mother and me.

"It's because of that unlikely event that I've changed my whole lifestyle. For eight months, my mother and I went to visit my father every day. We talked to him, but he seemed to look straight through us. For hours we sat with him at the psychiatry department of Stuivenberg, how desperate those first months were also. We continued to fight, taught him to talk, to eat, to walk. A miracle, the doctors called it. Bullshit of course. It was love, dedication and stubbornness. Especially thanks to my mother, the lioness who kept fighting for him. And see how much beauty came out of it. My life then received an entirely different impulse.

"I suddenly think of an anecdote I've never told before. After a while we were allowed to take my father to the cafeteria once in a while, or to the garden. But he was absolutely not allowed to leave the hospital. Fuck it. I hid a bag of clothes for him, secretly dressed him in the toilet and took my father to the city. By bus, because I didn't have a driver's license. I wanted to stimulate his senses, test if any memories would come back. He was fond of Our Lady's Cathedral, so that's where I wanted to take him."

Matthiaske, why am I crying?

He plays it out. The written version here is only a dead script compared to the lived-through performance, right there on that dark square, just around the corner of the Arenbergschouwburg, where Matthias made his stage debut as a 9-year-old boy next to father Julien, as The Little Prince.

Matthias shows how he supported his frail dad, and how they shuffled in small, careful steps towards the cathedral. Dad looking at the ground to be sure not to fall. "I say, 'Dad, look up'. He looks up, and I see the tears rolling down his cheeks. I had never seen my father cry. 'Matthiaske,' he says, 'can you tell me why I'm crying?'

"I had already decided then that I would take my father into my house. Overconfident, yes, at that age, but they have become the most beautiful years of my life. Mom came by every day to help. Suddenly we were a bit of a family again, something we had only been for a short time when I was young."

It was at that time that you decided to become an actor. Why did you decide to become an actor?

"I had always resisted following in my father's footsteps. In my youth I mainly wanted to break away from my father, and seek my own path. I didn't want to have anything to do with him and all those loudmouths around him in the theater world. But most of all I was terrified that compared to the great Julien Schoenaerts I would never be good enough.

"Only now do I understand why I then decided to go to the conservatory. Not to become an actor, but to understand my father. We had so many years together, and now that we had been given a second chance, I wanted to get to know him as well as possible. By acting, maybe I could get closer to him." (pauses)

Sentimental fuss

He banishes the tears. It's one of the many things he has in common with his father, he says: they're both very emotional, but they hate sentimental fuss. "Come on, Matthias: breathe," he commands himself.

"Voilà, see how much beauty can come out of misery. What a chain of beautiful things came out of the fight my mother and I put up in the most hopeless situation. Who knows how differently my life would have turned out?"

"There are so many lessons in that. If we just talked about the rehabilitation of detainees, for example. It takes commitment. Not a workshop of two hours. You have to persevere, even in the event of a setback, with no guarantee of a happy ending. That's why I think it's so important to keep telling that story about my dad. Those are the values I believe in: dedication, stamina, attention, love. You can apply that to everything in life. Love is the fuel."

You often talk about your parents as if you want to keep them alive with your words.

"Because my mom and dad are the people I've loved most. With them I shared the most important moments, built the most beautiful memories. That loss is enormous. Life has been really fucking tough since they've been gone.

"That's what grabs me so much in this period. How many people have died of corona in Belgium?"

According to Google, today, on the day of the interview, the counter stands at almost 14,000 deaths.

"Fourteen thousand! Imagine how many people that has an impact on? How many people have suddenly lost their mother, father, brother, sister, best friend or neighbor? Behind those figures lie tens of thousands of poignant stories, of people who see a loved one torn from their lives. That is a mountain of unresolved grief, and far too little attention is paid to it."

Earlier during our conversation a guy had walked past coughing and maskless. It pissed Schoenaerts off: "And whining about masks or strict measures. Grow some fucking balls. Having to say goodbye to a loved one, that's the worst thing."

"Isn't that what this period teaches us? That our time here is limited? And what really counts in life: sharing moments of beauty with the people you hold most dear. All the rest is wallpaper. Having success, making movies, that's all fun. But the day you lie on your deathbed, you really don't think about the professional successes on your resume. No way."

[ones-delight]

I unfortunately won’t have therapy until the end of this month (I should have scheduled one earlier this month ugh lmao I thought one later this month would be better) so I’m doing what my therapist suggested, write down all what’s going through my head even if it doesn’t make sense to help bring myself back to reality. lol. I’m very much lost in my own sauce of feelings and thoughts. it’s allllll about my ex again so ugh lmao. My main anxieties are just feelings about my ex and what’s coming up this semester.

I’m currently in my apartment in Iowa City since we’re about to start back up my usual routine. I’ve been here for almost two weeks now which is nice because I’ve been trying to take my time to relax and get myself mentally prepared for this upcoming semester. I’m also low key glad I’m having these overwhelming anxieties right now instead of later this week. I need to ask my therapist again what exactly I am feeling (if it’s like a panic attack because i truly dont know) because I’ve been feeling hella anxious the past few days (in general) and yesterday my anxiety was so intense that I barely ate and I felt sick to my stomach. idk if others have the same too but when I also get hella anxious, all I want to do is go to the bathroom so tmi lmao. I feel this way now and I just cannot stop crying so again, I’m just writing everything that’s going through my mind lmao.

#1) Related to my ex, heart break

Yeah.. I literally keep talking about this/him and I’m glad I have multiple outlets that I can say what’s going through my mind because if I keep these thoughts to myself, I keep spiraling. I’m also very thankful I have multiple strong support systems from people where it truly doesn’t get annoying to them when I keep talking about him/my overall heart break/healing journey. I know I don’t want to burden my friends with my own thoughts (it can be a lot) so overall very thankful for friends, family, and my therapist lmao. 

I think the last time I talked about my heart break was the letter I wrote to him. I wrote it and sent it to him lmao. I also wrote his mom a letter in Spanish because I want to stay connected with her and very thankful she reciprocates the same energy, Apparently, he never received the letter even though I sent it over 3 weeks ago, but anyways yeah that’s a story I will tell later in this post. Anyways, it’s legit easier said than done to completely stop checking on his social media. I was doing great before winter break. Now that winter break has happened (still kind of is for a few more days), I have relapsed where I was checking very often. The break was great since I got to spend quality time with family, however, unfortunately being back in Wichita still floods a lot of my emotions where there are still a lot of memories of him and I that still makes me feel sad (luckily no longer sobbing about but I do still feel some type of way. It’s getting better thankfully). It also hurts that he’s making new memories with his new girlfriend Kylie so I was def feeling all sorts of things. Sorry, I’m trying to go onto chronologize order of events that have happened. I’m jumping back and forth lmao 

First, did I mention his mom called me the day before Christmas? I was SHOOOOOK when I saw her name on my phone. I legit froze because I wasn’t sure if it was actually her so I accidently missed her call. I’m so glad she left a voicemail so I could listen first and immediately call her back LMAO. But basically, she wanted to check in to see how I was doing, wish me and my family a merry christmas/happy new year, and asked if I could come see her. We joked a bit back and forth like how she was learning English for me while I’m learning Spanish for her. lmao. so after this phone call, I wrote her a letter to update her on what I’ve been doing. I wrote it all in Spanish since that’s her primary language so thank god for google translate. overall, I told her about how I’m about to earn my masters degree in may, I’ve lost now 30 lbs of weight/having a better relationship with food, how I’m honestly still hurt about her son cheating on me (I was in my feels. You know if you ever get those feelings like you want your mom? She legit is like a mom to me since my mom isn’t an active part of my life so yeah I guess you can say I got mommy issues but anyways) I also told her that if she’d still like me to come over, I’d love to come over and see her.

Few days go by, I’ve been creeping onto his social media, it stings to see how he has flaunted his relationship with Kylie. It hurts because I keep playing this comparison game because he truly has NEVER allowed me to post about us and he would himself refuse to post about us on his social media. So, just to see how he’s been basically spending every single day with her and posting her throughout all of his social media, makes me feel an extreme type of way. during new years, she had a party at her house where it was him, her, his brother paco (which I was SHOOOK because she met paco and not everyone has ever met paco, who is his oldest brother), miguel and his girlfriend (both are super cute btw), Blake (surprisingly), and Erik. I felt some kind of way because obviously I know they would share a new years kiss even tho they’ve only been dating for literally a month. I dated him for 3 years and NEVER got a new years kiss (because he wanted to be with bros). Valentines day is coming up and it’d be their “two month” anniversary and I just KNOW he’d actually put EFFORT into spending that day with her. 3 years I dated this guy and he never ONCE did ANYTHING for me for valentines day. ok I’m getting more hurt thinking how he’s treating his other girls better than me so anyways BACK TO THE TOPIC

few days go by and I got another call from his mom. I actually picked up this time because I was really excited to hear her voice again. I legit would die for this woman legit #1 mom. She asked if she could see me and I happily said yes. It really means a lot that she still gives me the same energy that she gave me when I was still dating her son. One of the hardest parts of us breaking up was the potential of losing his family too because they are all truly good people and I am NOT the CEO of letting people go lmao. okay back to subject, I had TONS of anxiety driving over to her house because I had so many thoughts. I asked on the phone if 1.) is Lalo there. She said no. 2.) Is Paco there. No, he apparently flew back to California that morning. I was low key hoping paco would be there still because it would be cool to catch up with him but anyways my main concern was if eduardo was there so since he wasn’t, I was like “ok vroom vroom let’s go” lmao. WOWOWOWWO seeing her just made my heart so happy. She def has a lot more gray hairs since the last time I saw her lmao she’s the cutest anyways, I’m really shook that HIS DAD FREAKING HUGGED ME. THIS MAN NEVER USUALLY HUGS ANYONEEEEEEEEEEE. Typically how we greet each other, it’s like a wave from a distance and we obvi acknowledge each other. so WOOOOW I was very thankful and shook he hugged me. Anyways, his mom showed me around the house with the Christmas decorations, I noticed her birds were still doing well, she even showed me her new plants she got lmao. We sat at the dining room table and talked and ate mexican snacks. She has broken English and I have broken Spanish so literally thank god for dualingo because it has helped me. I love how when we are together, we talk really slow and try to annunciate for each other LMAOOO. Anyways, THIS WOMAN ALSO GOT ME A STOCKING filled with Mexican Candy. omg this woman i love her so much. Anyways, I showed my tattoos to her and she legit wanted to murder me lmao but she says she likes them but hates them at the same time. She also sat me down and we had a serious conversation in terms of how she sees me. She said that I am no longer known as lalo’s novia, what I am to her is a daughter. I am evelyn’s sister and yo boi that got me crying in the club because that’s what I would love to have, to maintain my relationship with them . Okay, to kind of speed things up, basically we kept talking about Evelyn’s quinceanera that’s happening this year AHHHHHH, dropped Evelyn off and her friend to a friend’s quince, and his mom took me to eat at paleterias tropicana where I tried elote for the first time and had a jugo verde WOOOOOW SOOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOD. literally cannot stop thinking about it. Anyways, random note, I noticed my old K-State beanie in the car and his mom said it was Evelyn’s. It gave me a weird feeling because it was originally mine that he gifted me on our first Christmas together but obviously I knew he wouldn’t keep it so I’m not suprised he gave it to Evelyn. It made me wonder then what did he do to the other gifts that he originally gave me but I gave it back to him once we broke up.. okay that was a tangent, anyways, that was it with the night with his mom and ughhh it was a really fun night and I really am looking forward to seeing her again.

Now fast forward to now-ish, me not doing good of not checking his social media, I got triggered because they now made it “facebook officlal” that they are dating. it triggered me because again, he refused to publicize our relationship and it really threw me off that they’ve only been dating for a month (technically interested in each other since October, started dating November) and already publicizing they are together. they moving hella quick and basically, I got hella bitter. I felt reckless and I texted him. I KNOW I shouldn’t have texted him because I immediately felt a sense of regret after but also low key glad I did text him. ugh i hate me lmao. Anyways, i texted him and he asked if he could call me so I said yes. Luckily, the conversation was better than I expected because it was simply like two old friends catching up. It was a really good feeling even tho I’m honestly still hurt about the way that he treated me. It caught me by suprised when he said that he has talked about me with Kylie and he actually stated that he knows what he did and feels regretful for the choices he made. That was a huge shocker and I do still have trust issues because I try to take things that he says with a grain of salt. He may be saying things to me that I want to hear but it’s not the truth so anyways lmao. Our conversation was good and it really got me thinking what exactly am I doing/how am I really feeling.

I really am happy for him. Yes i’m still deeply hurt and feel a type of way about how he treated me, but I can’t do anything about the past and all I can do is just simply be happy for him. I will always love him without a doubt, but he isn’t my person. I hope this doesn’t come off as selfish but he will never find someone better than me, he is simply finding someone better suited for him. What helps me the most about this is thinking about ME because that’s the situation for him, however, I know I will find someone better than him because I deserve the best.

I felt bad for asking because I am just fucking nosy and I’m glad he was okay with me asking about what happened with his relationship with Lila (the girl he left me for) and how did he start dating Kylie. He shared with with me that even though it was all great in the beginning with Lila (and let me tell you dude, he totally was hella infatuated with her lmao), they started becoming two different people. She apparently wasn’t emotionally there for him when he needed her (IRONICCCCCCCCCCCCC BECAUSE THAT’S EXACTLY HOW HE WAS WITH ME THROUGHOUT OUR 3 YEARS TOGETHER) and she ended the relationship. It did make me sad to hear because everyone needs support and it is sad when you go to someone for support and they don’t give you it, ya know? anyways, he said with Kylie, they’ve been friends for two years (I knew who she was when we were together but they’ve always only been friends since they worked at the Sunflower together. This will sound extremely bad but I never thought about her being a girl to worry about because she did a lot of “white” things that we make fun of white people for and so it kind of shocked me that he is dating her now but anyways) apparently he said that “they were hanging out and next thing he knows is that he kissed her and that’s how they started dating.” dude didn’t want to go into detail which was fine but I’m also in my head like “ok lmao you literally just got broken up by your ex and then immediately start hanging out with another girl? ok” ANYWAYS, I really am happy for him and wish him the best. 

It was cool to hear about what he’s hoping to do. He shared a lot more detail than usual which again caught me by surprise. Anyways, he shared that he is currently looking for a new place to live (a house to rent) somewhere in college hill (conveniently where Kylie also lives lmao) with Erik. He is also hoping to find another job soon because things at KWCH are no longer making him feel happier so he’s looking to see if he can work for a non-profit org which makes me happy for him because I’d also want to do the same. If I’m at a job where I’m not excited to be, I’d want to also try to make a switch. He also shared that junior (martin, his little brother) will be moving to Cali in May to move close to paco which wow made me really happy for them all. Anyways, he shared that he is hoping to stay in Wichita for about one more year and then possibly relocating to KC or somewhere in Oklahoma. i did encourage him KC because it seems that KC has much more opportunities than Wichita and Oklahoma. Only thing we both hate is driving in KC lmao

Okay, so overall, I’m still really hurt about how our relationship was and how it ended but I’m very grateful that I’m doing what is best for me to make progress because this is not an overall easy thing to do, move on. I do feel low key embarrassed that I still am not over our break up but I’m very glad that I know that He isn’t my person. we will and I cannot get back together with him even if he stated that he has “changed” Yes i invested so much in him to be my forever partner and it didn’t work out but that’s okay. I’m always willing to invest in people to be the best version of themselves and it really makes me happy to see people thrive. I truly cannot and will not take him back if there was ever a time where he wanted to give us a second try because I need to remember how he treated me. If he really was always thinking it was me, then he shouldn’t have cheated on me, treated me so poorly. I’m okay with us remaining friends, but as partners in life? that isn’t it. I deserve so much better and the man of my dreams will come. I’m 10000000% okay with being single because I know I need to work on myself so that I can be fully ready for my next. I really wish my next relationship is my one and only, but hey we’ll see. 

so this is already extremely long but I’m very glad I got this all out of me. I know I have other anxieties such as starting school again, which will be my last semester before I earn my masters (FINALLY), RA training coming back up (so me working is coming back), JOB SEARCH. So much is coming up and AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I need to get my head into gear. 

[intombedarc]

@coulsonx​​ asked: 💘 you know whomst

send me 💘 + A SHIP and i’ll tell you—

where they first met and how

SHIELD. jessica was being pulled in about a particular situation that involved her and a few avengers getting into an altercation (relation to kilgrave’s influence on her and the ordered hit placed on daredevil and confusing him for scarlet witch). agent coulson was greeted with a very fed up and pissed off jessica that wanted nothing to do with SHIELD for having the audacity to ask her to join the agency in the aftermath of the incident. the information that was given to him did not seem like it was enough to fully grasp exactly the root of why she vehemently denied joining the avengers and SHIELD. although she didn’t apologize, she did feel apologetic for coming off strongly towards an agent that was simply doing his job.

how long their ‘flirting’ phase was before feelings got involved?

oh, their flirting phase never ended and it never will. jones and coulson refuse to believe that it ends when their feelings were finally said and admitted to one another. she usually starts it off with something small and subtle, coulson eats it up and goes bigger with his teasing. it’s really sweet and playful.

who fell for who first ( if applicable )

coulson was the one that caught deep feelings for jessica first. a little bit later down the line before not speaking to each other for several years, she caught feelings for him. it was the only time where she felt like she would never see him again so she bottled up her emotions in a jar and locked it away for ten years.

where their first date was and what it was like

the carnival along the piers in new york was a simple enough date. she disliked the loud crowd so they went just when the crowd was dying out, letting them enjoy some intimacy, she got to spend time with coulson in a better mindset as they never had a first date until they started talking to each other again. and for once, the date actually went well. she got to crack a few smiles and laugh genuinely with him. he took her home and gave her a small prize that he won for her. it was sentimental and very sweet.

who asks who out and how ( with a sign? spelled out on a cake? just a simple ‘will you go out with me’? )

this one’s very equal. coulson gets creative when he wants to. sometimes, it just comes out as a what if question. he’ll shoot her a text to go to dinner or asking her to attend some gathering as undercover (a rare occasion as he does his best not to get her involved out of protection) jessica, on the other hand, doesn’t like to beat around the bush. she’ll just ask if he wants coffee with her or take a walk at night or go to some theater to watch a movie. jessica is very lowkey and simple.

who proposes first

oddly enough, the proposal was initially a joke between them. jessica was the one to ask coulson seriously after a long time of just toying around with the idea (even if the subject barely came up, it was still a joke to them both)

if they keep / kept their relationship secret or let everyone know right away

at first, it was a mutual agreement for their relationship to be private. they don’t like being distracted from their work and they both didn’t want to hear any backlash or comments about their intimacy. slowly but surely after civil war and after all the dust was settled, growing closer to each other was the only subject left for both of them to really work on. at that point, jessica did not care of coulson went around telling everyone that he was in a relationship with her. 

where the proposal happens and how ( kiss cam at a baseball game? on a hillside surrounded by ducks? at a disney park? )

it happened on one of their midnight strolls, passing by central park (much farther from her apartment). although hand in hand, she didn’t have a ring on her like she wanted to. it felt like summer outside, slightly humid with a little breeze. they stayed out for a few hours just laying in the grass to look up at the stars, far apart from anyone who could pass by. she felt the need to take a moment and ask if he would marry her.

if they adopt any pets together

on the farm, they have plenty of feral cats, a few goats, chickens. a nice sized patch of land to have their pets run around.

who’s more dominant

jessica seems to have the dominance a good chunk of the time when she wants to claim it and coulson isn’t not afraid to let her have that role. however, it would easily switch over to coulson for his authoritative nature.

where their first kiss was and what it was like

just outside of her favorite bar, in the alleyway when she likes to grab a drink if she doesn’t want to be in the apartment. it was actually slow and sweet at first, they were both cautious enough to test the waters with each other until they just consumed each other.

if they have any matching couples stuff ( mugs? sweaters? pillowcases? )

i don’t think they do it on purpose. she leans towards wearing dark colors anyway so there’s a chance that they’ll end up being matchy-matchy. like they both have a love for wearing band tees so it won’t be surprising if one of them is wearing the other’s shirt. (jessica wears oversized band tees so it fits coulson anyway.)

how into pda they are

they both love their privacy. coulson will sneak in a hand hold and it won’t bother her too much but she does get nervous and she’ll reel back into her shell. it took a minute for her to be completely comfortable with just holding his hand in public. it was nothing against him, she’s just very shy about who’s in her business but at the end of the day, they both believe it’s not anyone’s concern to butt in.

who holds the umbrella when it rains

coulson because he’s the tol one and jessica is too stubborn to carry an umbrella.

where their usual ‘date spot’ is ( if applicable )

anywhere that gives them intimacy, whether it’s in some restaurant that overlooks the city or at each other’s places. there’s no particular ‘date spot’ per say.

who’s more protective

jessica is more protective of coulson, regardless of his skillset. ofc she’s physically stronger but verbally cuts through anyone who wants to step to him, even if he can handle himself perfectly fine.

how long it is before they sleep together ( can be as in ‘had sex’ or as in ‘shared a bed’ )

literally -- it took them a week. and that’s the longest she’s waited to jump into bed with someone because she has a lot of respect for coulson.

if they argue about anything

about each other’s sleeping habits, jessica potentially relapsing, each other’s safety (that’s a big one), secrets that unveil themselves that hurts the other emotionally (i.e jessica finding out that coulson died and came back to life) they don’t have shouting matches but they do have heated arguments.

who leaves more marks ( lipstick, hickeys, scratchmarks etc. )

coulson at first but it shifted over to jessica very quickly.

who steals whose clothes and how often

jess is the thief who takes his shirts, hoodies, dress shirts, etc. whatever she finds to be comfortable and reminds her of coulson? it’s hers. it mostly happens if she’s run out of clothes to wear which is some of the time. coulson hide ur pjs.

how they cuddle ( spooning? facing each other? )

coulson is the little spoon to her big spoon. there is nothing in the entire world that she loves more than to hug from behind and just bury her face in his neck and back. she feels at home and very safe around him.

what their favourite nonsexual activity is

playing uno is their top favorite because it means that they have to dare each other to do stupid things like prank call the avengers tower.

how long they stay mad at each other

they may need a little space for a day or two, depending on their schedules. they’ve never gone more than a week from not talking to each other. if coulson is overseas on a mission, it never hurts to make a phone call just to see if she’s okay and vice versa.

what their usual coffee / tea orders are

jessica likes her coffee semi-sweet while he drinks his straight black.

if they ever have any children together

they raise danielle together and have a few pets when they leave downstate for upstate. it’s possible that they would have another child together just to really settle down but danielle is all that she and coulson are focusing on.

if they have any special pet names for each other

‘sweetheart‘ is a big sarcastic pet name. jess and coulson are comfortable being assholes to one another for the sake of being funny. there’s really no special nickname for them.

if they ever split up and / or get back together

they have broken up and gotten back together ten years later. it wasn’t very harsh the first time, they simply understood that they both needed to fix themselves before anything serious were to happen. on jessica’s end, it didn’t seem that way and she took it bitterly, feeling like she invested in a little more than she thought she did. they didn’t / couldn’t reach out to each other sooner due to certain circumstances.

what their shared living space is like ( messy? clean? what kind of decor? )

together at the farm, it’s an organized clutter. not very messy but you’ll see items that are always used readily placed to be picked up again. there’s no specific style to their farm other than it’s a farmhouse so there’s a flare of country living but much more modern for the both of them.

what their first christmas / hanukkah / etc as a couple was like

hm. their first holiday felt like more pressure than what there needed to be, at least for jess. i think in celebration of holidays, it’s very subtle and fun in their own way. it’s the only time where jessica doesn’t really celebrate because she had no one to celebrate it with / didn’t care of it as much. ever since she had danielle, her perspective changed a lot. add coulson into that mix and she’s way more optimistic and considerate of the people that surround her.

what their names are in each other’s phones

for coulson it’s just ‘jessica’ and for her it’s ‘super agent’ because she’s cute like that.

if they have any ‘couple traditions’ ( buying a new mug for their collection every year? baking every friday evening? )

make out in some alleyway, apparently LOL i think after they move to upstate, they take danielle to downstate at least a few times a year so she can get the best of both worlds.

who falls asleep first and who wakes up first

it depends on who’s more tired and who’s willing to wake up with the sun. jessica definitely sleeps in but she’s not always the first to fall asleep. sometimes she’ll wait for coulson to sleep first before she drifts off just in case he wanted to stay up and get his mind off.

who’s the big spoon / little spoon

coulson is the little spoon most of the time. jessica likes to be big spoon because he’s very comfortable to hold.

who hogs the bathroom

neither of them, i don’t think?

who kills the spiders / takes them outside

they’re both spider killers. danielle is the one that takes them outside.

[robin-christine]

The Day My Life Began

On June 27, 2018, I tried to commit suicide. This is my story.

I’m thankful that I’m here to tell it.

There was no one specific reason that caused me try to kill myself, rather it was a combination of factors; I was experiencing a major depressive episode at the time, the red flags exhibited by my fiancé who was living with me suddenly surfaced from my subconscious all at once, and I had just begun taking a new anti-depressant I had never taken before. The side effects anti-depressants are ironic; they can actually INCREASE thoughts of depression and suicide, and for the first time in almost 20 years of taking various anti-depressants, I experienced this potentially fatal side effect from the new anti-depressant I had recently begun taking.

Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on your reasoning almost three years later my memories of that day are still few, fragmented and incomplete; I can only remember bits and pieces, and I’m sure those memories didn’t occur in the correct order in reality.

I remember having a screaming match with my (ex)-fiancé, I remember him using my mental illness to insult me, and I remember taking a hammer and destroying my laptop.

I remember going up to my mother’s apartment (at the time we were living in the same building) and screaming at her, likely nothing nice or loving.

I remember emptying an entire month’s worth of medication into a big pile on my bed, swallowing pills by the handful, and then casually thinking ‘what did I just do?’. I remember contemplating vomiting up the pills and then discarding the idea.

I remember going down to the lobby and waiting outside for the ambulance.

I remember yelling at my mother, who had come downstairs and was sitting silently on a bench in the lobby staring at the floor, ignoring my repeated screams of, “What the f*ck is wrong with you? You obviously don’t care I tried to kill myself since you’re sitting there, not saying a f*cking word! You won’t even look at me!”.

I remember getting into the ambulance and talking to the paramedics, but I must have lost consciousness, because the next thing I remember was being in restraints in the ER, screaming and cursing at everyone, and

struggling frantically to break free. All I accomplished was cause severe bruising on both my wrists that took months to heal properly.

I remember overhearing one of the doctors who had helped save my life in the ER say to another doctor as they walked away from my bed, “I hate treating personality disorders. They’re the fucking worst”.

That’s all I remember about June 27, 2018 before I once again lost consciousness, and even after having my stomach pumped with charcoal, I remained that way for the following three days. It didn’t take long before I needed the help of a ventilator to breathe, and at one point the doctors weren’t sure I would make it. My mother told me that she had sat by my bed for those three days, crying silently while stroking my hair, telling me how much she loved me.

On June 30, 2018 I finally regained consciousness.

Again, almost three years later my memories of that day are still few, fragmented and incomplete; I can only remember bits and pieces, and I’m sure what I do remember isn’t in the right order.

I remember seeing my mother and sister sitting next to each other, holding each other’s hands when I opened my eyes. When they realized I was waking up, they both jumped up, my sister ran out the room to get a doctor, and my mother sat down next to me on the bed to hug me as tightly as she could and whisper how much she loved me, crying.

In what could have seconds, minutes, or hours my sister returned, accompanied by a doctor introduced as Dr. Richards, who checked my vitals and conducted the first of numerous psychiatric assessments I would undergo over the next few days.

I spent a total of seven days in the hospital, including the three days that I was unconscious. Once I regained consciousness, I was assessed physically, psychiatrically and psychologically daily during the remaining four days I was hospitalized. I had blood taken so often that the nurses ran out of veins from which they could get blood; my veins are very small, difficult to find, and collapse easily, so as a result I had numerous bruises all over my hands and arms. Combined with the bruises on my wrists I gave myself trying to free myself from the restraints when I was in the ER, they served as a reminder of what I had done for months as they slowly healed.

During those four days I was forbidden by the doctors from being alone, and had caregivers watching me 24/7. When my mother and sister would visit the caregiver would leave the room so we could talk privately, but as soon as they left, the caregiver returned. Originally I wasn’t even allowed to close the door to the bathroom in my private room, but after my first psychiatric assessment by Dr. Richards, he gave the caregivers permission to allow me to close the door, but not to lock it.

The psychiatrists who assessed me ended up re-diagnosing me almost completely; for years I had been diagnosed as Bipolar and had been prescribed medications that I didn’t need and shouldn’t have been taking. I was weaned off the majority of the medication I had been taking, and left the hospital with a prescription for only one anti-depressant I had taken before without any fatal side effects, one anti-anxiety medication, and a new diagnosis of Personality Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (PDNOS). After I left the hospital, I continued working with my psychiatrist on finally properly diagnosing my mental illnesses because very often people suffer from more than one, and e many mental illnesses have overlapping symptoms, making a proper diagnosis sometimes very difficult..

After my overdose, I called off my wedding since it was one of the reasons I had tried to commit suicide. I finally acknowledged all the red flags that my fiancé had exhibited but I had subconsciously repressed; he had anger management problems, was extremely controlling and had absolutely no understanding of mental illness, even though he thought he did. He thought he knew everything. He would make comments like ‘stop exaggerating’, ‘you don’t need medication’, and my favourite, ‘it’s all in your head’. No kidding! I suffer from mental illness; where else would it be? My arm? My leg? But I’m ashamed to admit that I allowed him to treat him with ignorance and arrogance, that I allowed him to use me as a figurative mental punching bag for his anger, and that I allowed him to control my every move, much in the same way that my abusive late father had; unfortunately I’m proof that the expression “women tend to be attracted to men like their fathers” is true.

My overdose drastically changed our family dynamics. Immediately afterwards, me, my mother and my sister became closer as a family, and for the first time ever, my sister and I got along and actually had serious talks. Unfortunately, the joy that had come with my survival only lasted a few months before my depression returned, and my mother and sister

both blamed me for causing our’s mother’s anxiety to become worse, and for our mother having to move out of her apartment our building and into an “Assisted Living” apartment. My sister, my cousins both in Toronto and in Israel, and my mother’s few friends saw how depressed and anxious she had become after her had mother passed away, and how my suicide attempt had made her depression and anxiety worse.

Six months before she moved, my relatives were in town from Israel and my sister was in town from Toronto, and the three of them helped my mother visit and decide into which building to move; I was only told less than two weeks before she moved. Before my overdose, my mother was one of my best friends to whom I could talk to about absolutely anything. After my overdose, she avoided talking to me as much as she could. So although I didn’t cause my mother’s depression and anxiety, I did make them both worse for her.

I have to accept to consequences of my actions, but I didn’t expect my mother and sister to hate me as much as they do for attempting to commit suicide, for relapsing into a severe depression within a few months that from which, two years later, I’m still struggling to recover, and for causing them so much pain.

My sister eventually decided she’d had enough of my depression which manifested as anger and bitchiness, decided that she didn’t want or need me in her life, and didn’t want or need to deal with me any longer because my of anger, jealousy and resentment towards her, and blocked every possible method of communication to prevent me from contacting her.

When she had emergency gallbladder surgery a few months ago, I sent her a ‘Get Well’ card with what I thought was a nice message, but she never acknowledged receiving it. She’s made it clear that she has cut me out of her life completely, and I doubt I’ll ever see or speak to her again. I don’t know if it was easy or painful for her to cut all ties with me, but we haven’t spoken in at least 18 months.

My suicide attempt also changed my perspective about life, both positively and negatively. I finally forgave my father for what he did to me and the resulting negative psychiatric consequences he caused, 15 years after he had passed away. I believe that he, and the rest of my family and friends who have already passed helped save my life.

I started believing in G-D again; I regained my faith in a religion I felt had abandoned me years ago, but had been wrong. I should have died three times; in a car that flipped numerous times on the Trans-Canada highway into a ditch separating westbound from eastbound traffic lanes, in a grease fire in one of my apartments and by overdosing.

Obviously I’m here for a reason, and will gladly remain here until I’ve accomplished what I was put on this earth to do.

Finally at age 44, I have been properly diagnosed with numerous mental illnesses: Depression, Severe Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Personality Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (PDNOS) with traits of Borderline (BPD), Avoidant (AvPD) and Narcissistic (NPD) Personality Disorders, Adjustment Disorder (AjD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

Unfortunately, Personality Disorders can’t be treated with medication but they can be managed with specialized therapy. So I take medication and have done Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) which has helped tremendously.

Now I take pleasure in the smallest of things; a good cup of coffee, a sunny day, a good book, losing half a pound, having clean socks and underwear, a good movie, sleeping late, among other things.

I know that medication and therapy will never completely obliterate my illnesses, I’ll have relapses of depressive episodes and I’ll have thoughts of suicide, but I know I won’t act on them. I’ve learned to enjoy life.

I will never again attempt to commit suicide.

[jbk405]

So, personal life drama

I cut off all contact with my ex just shy of a year ago, some time last August or September.�� She was an alcoholic, suffered from extreme mood swings, and became downright abusive.  Harassing phone calls in the middle of the night, angry texts, manipulative threats of suicide, and so on.

Cutting contact was the right choice, and since I made the decision I’ve never thought otherwise.

That doesn’t mean I don’t have frequent “I should reach out, see how she’s doing” thoughts about once a week, but I stomp those thoughts down because I know exactly how that will turn out if I do.  It’s a simple thought process: If she’s not better then I can’t help her, and if she is better then she doesn’t need my help.  Like I said, simple.  Although this has given me a newfound understanding for every time somebody has called their ex when they know they shouldn’t.  I get it now.

A little more than a month ago I heard from a mutual friend that she had cleaned herself up.  Sought professional help, quit drinking, and was several months sober.  Great to hear.  I again considered reaching out, but the same thought process still applies, plus I was heading into my busy high-stress season at work and I simply do not need that aggravation on top of everything else.  So still no contact.

This past Thursday is when things changed.  That same mutual friend called me asking if he could come by my apartment since there was a lot of local flooding and he was essentially blocked from going back to his place.  I would have said yes but I wasn’t home, and when I told him I was still at work he called my ex (She lives nearby) to ask the same favor.  She said she was ill and couldn’t have him over either.

Then she called me.

Ostensibly to check to make sure the mutual friend was okay and that he wasn’t trapped out in the storm (He made it home, it just took longer with all the road closures) but then we spoke because we haven’t talked in nearly a year.

She told me that yes, she’s sober now, and she apologized for the things she said and did back when we were together.  She’s seeking help, she’s focusing on her job (Which she admitted she would have lost if she continued showing up drunk), she adopted a rescue cat.  She’s also watching Death Note (You know, I’ve actually never watched Death Note myself).

She said she hopes we can be friends again.

I’ll be honest: I would love to be friends again.  That’s part of why I still have those “I should reach out” thoughts.  When she’s sober she’s fun, she’s fun to be with, we share enough interests to have great conversations while being fundamentally different people so we’re always having new stuff for each other.  If she really is sober then maybe we could have that again.  But it’s not that easy, because she hurt me.  And given how many Addict’s Promises she gave back then -- 100% sincere but 100% worthless -- I’m not ready to accept that she really is sober for good.

So I said that it’s not impossible, but we’ll have to see.

The conversation ended, we said goodbye, and that was it.

Frankly not a horrible conversation, maybe even a first step towards reconnection.

Last night that same mutual friend called me again: My ex fell off the wagon hard.  She’s holed up in her apartment, drunk, demanding other friends bring her alcohol and refusing to let them in when they show up not carrying alcohol because they don’t want to enable her.  Dozens of calls/texts to them.  Just a complete relapse in behavior, exactly what she used to do with me.

Thankfully she hasn’t yet tried to drag me back into this.  No drunk calls or texts to me.  Maybe she knows that that would be the death knell of any potential reconnection, but the less charitable portion of my mind thinks it’s more likely she’s just too drunk to know how to get my number back into her phone after she deleted my info.  Either way I’m free and clear, and I can stay uninvolved with a completely clear conscience.

If only my conscience would accept that we’re clear.  ‘Cause all those old thoughts “Check in” and “Offer to help” are still popping up.

[sukifms]

            *  GET  A  LOAD  OF  THIS  GUY  .  well  ,  well  ,  look  who  it  is  ....  late  and  highly  ashamed  of  it  :  it’s  me  ,  it’s  kofi  .  as  mentioned  in  my  intro  within  the  di.scor.d  chat  ,  i  prefer  she / her  or  they / them  pronouns  and  i  reside  in  the  eastern  tz  .  i’ll  be  introducing  the  too  hot  to  trot  sukanda  baramichai  ,  known  affectionately  around  the  world  as  suki  .  i  already  know  i’m  about  to  write  a  NOVEL  so  strap  yourself  in  ladies  ,  gents  ,  and  non - binary  pals  !

            read   all   about   sukanda  ‘suki’  baramichai,   otherwise   affectionately   nicknamed   the  prom  queen.   the   twenty  three  year  old   model  and  podcaster   is   widely   known   for   being   scintillating,  poised,  bellicose,  and  vampish,   and   recently   made   headlines   when   they   allegedly  was  seen  vacationing  on  a  yacht  with  an  older  man  who  is  married  and  has  children.   apparently   judas   claims   to   be   sitting   on   an   even   bigger   story   involving   them   -   whatever   the   truth   may   be,   i'm   sure   it   won't   stay   hidden   for   long.   &   luxurious  satin  robes  brushing  against  tan  skin,  crystalline  eyes  glassed  with  glittering  tears,  the  lingering  scent  of  peach  vanilla  long  after  she’s  gone,  and  a  practiced  smile  highlighted  by  bright  stage  lights.   ◜   ⭒   ◞

trigger  warning(s)  :  mentions  of  an  eating  disorder  and  poor  parenting  .  

stars  can’t  shine  without  darkness  .

name  :  sukanda  baramichai .

nickname(s)  :  suki  ,  the  prom  queen  .

age  +  date  of  birth  :  23  +  may  25th  ,  1997  .

astrological  sign  :  gemini  .

myers - briggs  personality  type  :  esfp  ,  the  entertainer  .

enneagram  type  :  the  individualist  .

moral  alignment  :  chaotic  neutral  .

gender  +  pronouns  :  cis  female  +  she / her / hers  .

place  of  birth  :  pathumwan  ,  thailand  .

place  of�� residence  :  manhattan  ,  new  york  city  .

sexual  orientation  :  bisexual  .

romantic  orientation  :  biromantic  .

occupation  :  former  beauty  queen  ,  sugar  baby  ,  model  +  podcaster  (  suki  &  sage  )  .

nationality  :  thai  ,  obtained  american  citizenship  in  2018  .

ethnicity  :  thai  .

language  spoken  :  english  ,  thai  ,  and  basic  japanese  .

instagram  handle  :  sukichai  .

what  would  you  wish  for  if  you  had  one  more  chance  ?

            sukanda’s  story  begins  in  the  beautiful  district  of  pathumwan  ,  where  she  was  the  second  child  of  five  .  the  first  child  in  the  baramichai  family  was  her  older  brother  phya  ,  who  was  three  years  older  and  absolutely  terrified  of  the  baby  that  didn’t  speak  .  by  the  time  sukanda  was  three  ,  the  two  had  become  best  friends  ,  and  although  sukanda  couldn’t  keep  up  with  him  and  his  friends  ,  he  always  made  sure  to  play  with  her  once  big  tears  collected  in  her  eyes  .  after  sukanda  ,  the  baramichai  family  was  filled  with  three  other  children  :  two  daughters  named  hansa  and  tulaya  ,  and  lastly  with  a  son  named  daeng  when  sukanda  was  thirteen  .

           while  growing  up  ,  sukanda  lived  in  a  world  of  wealth  .  her  mother  ,  kamlai  was  known  throughout  thailand  for  being  one  of  the  country’s  best  dermatologists  and  also  owning  chai  cosmetics  ,  a  luxurious  skincare  brand  .  her  husband  ,  suran  ,  is  a  highly  respected  cardiothoracic surgeon  at  one  of  the  best  teaching  hospitals  in  their  country  .  the  two  made  a  lavish  living  for  their  children  ,  continuously  taking  them  on  trips  around  the  world  ,  educating  them  at  the  best  schools  ,  and  never  allowing  them  to  leave  with  a  hair  out  of  place  .  for  sukanda  ,  though  ,  her  mother  seemed  to  take  more  of  an  interest  to  her  .

           of  course  ,  sukanda  was  a  little  girl  who  liked  to  play  with  her  mom’s  makeup  ,  and  would  ask  for  her  mom  to  put  lipstick  on  her  while  she  was  getting  ready  in  the  mornings  .  she  appreciated  clothes  and  shoes  ,  and  even  formed  a  love  for  perfume  when  her  mom  let  her  wear  it  to  school  once  .  naturally  ,  kamlai  took  sukanda’s  interest  and  decided to  run  with  it  .  when  sukanda  was  four  ,  her  mother  put  her  in  her  first  beauty  pageant  .  despite  not  being  trained  ,  it  was  evident  that  sukanda  had  a  natural  talent  for  pageantry  ,  so  that  became  her  way  of  bonding  with  her  mother  .  she  also  entered  dance  classes  for  her  talent  in  the  show  ,  and  naturally  ,  sukanda  was  good  at  that  as  well  .

           as  she  grew  older  ,  though  ,  sukanda’s  mother  began  to  take  more  interest  in  ensuring  that  she  was  the  most  perfect  out  of  siblings  .  when  they  were  playing  outside  ,  sukanda  was  kept  in  the  house  ,  running  through  her  pageant  routine  over  and  over  again  until  her  eyes  were  heavy  from  sleep  .  during  the  school  year  ,  she  did  her  homework  ,  went  to  dance  practice  ,  practiced  her  routine  ,  slept  ,  and  did  it  all  over  again  the  next  day  .  sukanda’s  love  for  pageants  never  changed  ,  but  she  was  beginning  to  resent  how  much  she  was  unable  to  enjoy  the  things  that  her  siblings  and  friends  were  able  to  .

oh  ,  but  you’re  so  pretty  ,  the  stars  would  cry  .

          start  of  trigger  warning  --  sukanda  was  fifteen  when  she  began  to  train  for  the  miss  teen  thailand  pageant  ,  and  her  mother  changed  for  the  worst  .  sukanda  spent  her  days  working  out  and  dancing  ,  and  if  she  so  dared  to  reach  for  something  unhealthy  during  her  meals  ,  her  mother  would  throw  a  fit  and  berate  her  .  ‘  do  you  want  to  be  fat  ?  ’  her  mother  would  ask  while  throwing  the  food  away  .  ‘  do  you  want  to  start  losing  because  you  can’t  fit  into  your  dresses  ?  ’  the  constant  belief  that  she  would  lose  due  to  her  weight  made  sukanda  think  twice  whenever  it  was  dinner  time  .  she  suddenly  began  to  have  protein  shakes  for  breakfast  and  lunch  ,  there  was  no  snacking  in  her  diet  ,  and  dinners  were  always  small  .  workouts  became  most  important  ,  and  her  pageant  dress  in  the  closet  continuously  loomed  over  her  head  .

          the  stress  of  wanting  to  win  continuously  took  over  the  young  girl  ,  and  she  wanted  nothing  more  than  to  win  ,  and  she  did  .  at  the  age  of  sixteen  ,  sukanda  earned  the  title  of  miss  teen  thailand  ,  but  she  didn’t  stop  there  .  she  continued  on  her  journey  ,  and  it  was  unfortunate  that  food  had  become  the  enemy  .  she  wanted  nothing  more  than  to  remain  skinny  ,  to  remain  beautiful  ,  and  to  remain  a  winner  .  her  siblings  noticed  the  change  in  sukanda  ,  and  would  often  try  to  sneak  food  to  her  at  night  ,  but  were  often  caught  by  their  mother  .  the  punishments  for  natasha  seemingly  never  ended  ,  and  it  all  came  to  a  head  when  she  was  eighteen  years  old  .

           sukanda’s  father  ,  suran  ,  had  taken  her  out  to  have  their  annual  father - daughter  date  .  it  was  filled  with  fun  and  shopping  ,  but  when  suran  had  taken  sukanda  out  for  lunch  ,  he  noticed  how  despondent  his  daughter  was  .  she  simply  sipped  her  water  and  munched  on  small  pieces  of  food  ,  but  she  never  ate  anything  more  than  that  .  worried  ,  suran  confronted  his  wife  about  sukanda’s  eating  habits  ,  and  was  disheartened  to  know  that  she  had  been  eating  that  way  for  a  long  time  .  suran  was  upset  with  himself  for  not  noticing  his  daughter’s  changed  behavior  or  his  wife’s  ,  and  when  sukanda  fainted  from  fatigue  and  lack  of  nutrients  ,  it  was  the  final  straw  .  

          she  was  sent  off  for  treatment  ,  as  was  her  mother  ,  and  her  health  was  instantly  a  priority  .  for  two  years  ,  sukanda  had  to  slowly  relearn  that  food  was  not  the  enemy  ,  and  that  she  had  to  take  better  care  of  herself  .  it  took  months  of  struggles  to  eventually  grasp  with  this  concept  ,  and  she  was  able  to  place  herself  as  a  priority  --  end  of  trigger  warning  .  once  sukanda  returned  home  following  a  year  of  treatment  ,  she  decided  that  she  wanted  to  continue  with  pageantry  .  although  her  mother  was  still  working  through  her  own  treatment  ,  sukanda  wanted  to  provde  to  herself  that  she  was  much  happier  and  healthier  than  she  ever  had  been  .  she  trained  well  and  made  sure  to  take  care  of  herself  ,  and  when  she  was  twenty  ,  sukanda  had  won  the  title  of  miss  world  .

you  smiled  at  the  stars  like  they  knew  all  your  secrets  .

            sukanda’s  life  was  finally  back  on  track  ,  and  she  knew  that  she  needed  to  remain  on  that  path  ,  so  she  decided  to  move  out  on  her  own  .  she  had  gotten  her  own  apartment  ,  and  gained  even  more  recognition  when  she  attended  the  show  for  michael  kors  spring  2019  .  that  same  year  ,  sukanda  went  on  to  participate  in  the  miss  universe  pageant  .  although  she  placed  as  first  runner  up  ,  sukanda  was  honored  that  she  had  gotten  the  chance  .  following  the  pageant  ,  she  was  signed  to  img  models  ,  and  her  career  soared  from  there  .  insert  my  talenti  break  here  CFNJCBHVC  .  she  appeared  on  magazine  covers  such  as  harper’s  bazaar  ,  allure  ,  nylon  ,  vogue  hong  kong  ,  vogue  korea  ,  elle  korea  ,  dazed  ,  and  many  more  .  she  became  the  muse  of  celine  in  2019  as  well  ,  and  due  to  her  growing  demand  ,  sukanda  decided  to  leave  thailand  and  make  los  angeles  her  home  .

            within  a  few  months  of  living  in  manhattan  ,  sukanda  decided  to  rebrand  herself  under  the  nickname  suki  ,  and  it  aided  in  her  meteoric  rise  .  she  soon  decided  to  launch  her  own  podcast  ,  suki  &  sage  ,  where  she  primarily  talks  about  lifestyle  &  wellness  with  special  guests  every  week  .  suki’s  podcast  is  known  for  being  frank  about  various  aspects  such  as  sex  ,  relationships  ,  and  having  ‘  girl  talk  ’  sessions  .  very  recently  ,  suki  was  named  as  the  global  ambassador  for  bulgari  .

look  among  the  stars  .

           as  for  suki’s  personality  ,  the  only  word  that  comes  to  mind  is  chaos  .  she  lives  for  having  good  time  ,  and  it  mostly  stems  from  everything  that  she  missed  as  a  child  .  she  can  be  very  fun - loving  ,  and  she’s  definitely  the  girl  who  doesn’t  want  to  go  home  when  the  club  is  closing  .  she  likes  to  laugh  ,  and  she  loves  to  be  around  people  who  make  her  happy  .  she  has  a  VERY  strong  idgaf  attitude  on  the  outside  ,  but  definitely  worries  about  potentially  relapsing  on  her  ED  ,  but  she  remains  in  therapy  to  help  when  those  thoughts  arise  .  she  can  have  an  over - inflated  ego  at  times  ,  so  be  careful  when  giving  her  a  compliment  !  she’s  super  provocative  and  nows  how  to  use  her  sexuality  in  order  to  get  something  she  wants  .  suki  is  not  so  secretly  a  sugar  baby  (  in  relation  to  her  rumor  )  ,  and  she  mostly  does  it  because  it’s  fun  !  she  likes  attention  ,  very  much  an  attention  hog  ,  and  even  if  the  people  that  she  interacts  with  are  only  paying  attention  to  her  in  exchange  for  money  ,  suki  doesn’t  really  care  .

           i’m  super  late  in  terms  of  plotting  ,  but  i  will  definitely  be  posting  a  list  of  plots  that  i’d  love  to  have  for  suki  !  i  want  to  try  and  get  it  done  before  i  hop  into  doing  some  homework  ,  but  if  there  are  some  plots  where  suki  could  fit  ,  please  let  me  know  !

[meghand]

i’ve had a lot of thoughts about rue and jules and their relationship building up and i feel like i need to get them out so here goes: i’ve been seeing a bunch of posts about these two basically either saying that they’re a perfect cutesy couple and should just be together forever or that they’re super toxic for each other and should not be together

and i kind of feel like i have a foot in both camps

on the one hand, as of the end of season one, their codependence does seem unhealthy. rue has placed a lot of her sobriety in the hands of the happiness that she’s found in being with/around jules, whether or not jules signed on for that or if she’s even fully aware of it. that’s not fair to either of them, and one person can’t ever really be responsible for another’s progress and mental health like that. so far we have seen rue take a few steps toward getting better and stronger on her own and for herself, but the mentality she’s maintained throughout this season is that jules is the end all be all.

 and to me it seems like jules, when she decides she loves someone (which, given the fact that she thinks she’s in love with anna after meeting her once, may not be the most reliable) she dives in head first; with “tyler” who she met on an app and had no way of verifying whether or not he might actually be the person he said he was (in more ways than one, as we found out), she agreed to meet him late at night in a secluded area where there was no one else around to see or hear a thing; with anna, as i mentioned above, she spent one intoxicated night (was it a whole weekend? not actually sure but still) with her dancing, hooking up, and getting, to be honest, fake-deep and calling it a real connection.

with rue it’s a bit different. we clearly see that rue falls for jules very early on and girlfriend is by no means a master of controlling her face. but they start as friends. they get to know one another (with secrets here and there, to be sure) slowly but solidly. they make each other happy. and jules takes her time in realizing and admitting that what’s driving this friendship/relationship might actually be love after all. and when she finally admits this, out loud to rue, she takes rue’s half-joking running away suggestion and says fuck it let’s go. without thought to logistics, without a plan, in her mind all that matters is that they’re in love and that’s all they need to get by. 

but, i think, the fact that with rue she took time to form a foundation and settle into the thrill of being in love... that might make all the difference

yes, she leaves rue on the platform while she remains on the train, but every time these two are apart, jules misses rue. she talks about rue. they’re in near constant contact from the moment they meet. she even asks if she should text rue when she’s literally dancing with anna who could not more clearly be trying to get with her. i’ve seen some people say that jules’ feelings for rue aren’t that strong or that rue is only convenient to her, but i think a lot of that reservation comes from knowing but not knowing how rue feels about her. yes, to us it’s obvious, but to me that moment in the bathroom stall when she asks rue why she doesn’t kiss-kiss her is so telling. she knows rue likes her, but rue (who is likely asking herself the same questions) hasn’t shown the outright passion that jules thinks is there but can’t be quite sure, and without that confirmation, letting herself fully feel and express a real love that goes beyond the texting and short-lived romances we’ve seen her in so far has got to be, well, scary.

when rue decides not to get on the train, we see that she can separate her love for jules and need to be with her/make her happy from her own well being. despite the drugs she takes at the end of the finale, i can only assume that as she recovers from her relapse, this time she knows that a support system can’t be a single person she just puts herself into. we’ve seen her get help from her mom. we’ve seen her push and encourage her sister to do better than she did. she’s got a sponsor who’s going to kick her ass, tell her “i told you so,” and then help her see that a relationship is like a bridge between two towers - if their structural integrity relies too heavily on the bridge, when the bridge caves in, the towers can only follow suit, but if the towers themselves are built up strong, in the event of a bridge collapse, they will remain upright. 

and rue will build herself back up with a stronger foundation. by staying behind even after jules begged her to join her on the train, told her again the words rue has been waiting to hear practically since they met, that jules loves her, she has shown us, and jules, and herself that she has the capacity to do what’s right for herself even if it means not making jules happy. this moment is a huge first step. because they do love each other, they just haven’t yet been able to do it right. part of that is just them being teenagers. 

i think the finale has shown us so much more potential for the future of the relationship between rue and jules than anyone has given it credit for. and while, i admit, they are by no means in a perfectly healthy relationship throughout the one season we’ve gotten so far, we’ve been left off at the perfect pivotal point for these two characters to own up to their situations, learn and grow on their own, and come back together in a way that is healthy and as close to perfect as these things can get.

[maxbernini]

s6 with alexia with eliotts role... why would you bring up this brilliant idea now i can’t stop thinking about it

(this is SUPER long sorry, i got kinda carried away but idk how to do read mores on mobile)

i can't stop thinking about it either!!! i know it wouldn't have solved every issue because the skamfr writers are still...the skamfr writers lmao, but it's a small change with large impacts: it would've strengthened the better plots and eliminated (some of) the worse ones, whilst also continuing alexia's story from s5, and potentially making the decision to have her and arthur get back together in the finale much better too.

in my opinion they either needed to really focus on lola's relationships with the women in her life OR keep eliott, but take out the creepiness. because tbh even without the cursed scene or the relapse plot, i don't love their relationship. i think me and you have both said this before but they just work better as occasional mentor and distant friend, rather than the brother/sister dynamic the writers pushed (which i honestly didn't feel until the scene where she apologizes + he teases her about maya, but i’ll never be on board with it after the cursed scene. having that scene inherently ruins the point of portraying eliott as the Good Older Brother figure lmao). i don't love basile but i think the sibling dynamic felt more organic with him, because he kinda already is, in a way? like it's much less weird for lola to have a close brotherly relationship with her sister's boyfriend - someone she'll probably end up being related to anyways - than with her sister's friend's boyfriend (and eliott needs friends his own age, but that’s another rant).

but if alexia had replaced eliott like...wow, the POTENTIAL. alexia is supposedly daphné's childhood friend but apparently she and lola have no relationship, even though they would've grown up together? i know daphné's whole thing was Caring Too Much About What Other People Think but there's no way alexia wouldn't have already been over to their apartment and known their financial situation? known about her mother and sister's struggles??

so you have alexia, someone who already cares about lola pre-s6, being this older sister mentor when lola's actual older sister is not someone she can talk to yet - further strengthening the Sisterhood As The Real Love Story theme. like why stop with daphné? why not explore sisterhood in both a sibling way and a general womanhood way? alexia being equally empathetic to both daphné and lola given that she's known both forever (compared to other old gen characters who are likely to be more biased towards daphné), but it's also a mutually beneficial relationship, because apparently nobody in the old gen is mad at arthur for cheating?? so without making lola her therapist (and vice versa), alexia is able to talk to someone about that situation who isn’t loyal to arthur, and because both of them struggle with confidence / the way they're perceived / their relationships with others, there's already several things they have in common.

also just a wlw friendship!! alexia almost being lola's eskild in a way, and helping her process the trauma she has with men. an actual convo where lola talks about her sexuality (or at least labels it!!!!). this is where you could develop alexia's story after s5, seeing more of her mindset, dreams, experiences, etc and either affirm her decision to not get back with arthur or 'fix' it (arthur/alexia replacing elu as the s6 background ship).

which, speaking of: also focusing on lola's relationships with lamifex + maya. with the former, you have her healing with her community (yes i'm claiming sekou & jo as lgbt here). sekou and max being two guys who don't mistreat or kiss her, and there's another layer of sisterhood if they gave jo a personality beyond 'quirky and obsessed with eliott', and maybe specifically parallel her to tiff? both jo and tiff being really bubbly and approachable at first glance, but one's mean and the other's genuinely kind, with jo thus proving that friendship IS a good thing, you won't always get burned, it's good to let people in, etc. and then with the latter, i think there'd be less of a 'romantic love saves all' vibe that i kinda got with the final lines + parts of the supermarket kiss speech, if it wasn't just a romantic relationship that played such a large role in lola's healing arc.

anyways tl;dr: the season six plot begins with a woman's death and follows the subsequent traumas it triggers, so it simply makes SENSE for the season to come full circle by having the main find strength, self-confidence, development and healing through her relationships with other women, and the best way to have done that is through the combination of alexia (older mentor), daphné (actual sister), maya (girlfriend), and jo (best friend) aka a whole spectrum of different women and different relationship dynamics!! who else is bitter.

[andvs]

◊ ♫ ◊— look what the cat dragged in! that’s ANDREA DE LUCA and SHE is an around 24-year-old REGULAR to the store, but they’ve been in the neighborhood for 1 YEAR & EIGHT MONTHS. I think they are a FASHION DESIGNER and I overheard them listening to UNSTEADY by X AMBASSADORS, and, I dunno man, it seemed pretty fitting. Like, call me shallow but I look at them and think of SOFIA CARSON and FEELING ALONE IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE, FALTERED SMILES BEHIND DESIGNER GLASSES, and THE SOUND OF HEELS AGAINST MARBLE FLOORS.

tw: drug abuse mention

hi !! my name is courtney and this is my human elite trash bag andrea !! she is gio’s little sister (she was adopted but that’s another story hey) and she will ! judge you on what kind of clothes you are wearing :/ she’s that :// kind of person :/ 

name: andrea eleanora de luca  nickname(s): the only person who would call her andrea is her mother, and only when she’s in trouble, otherwise it’s just andy ://  sexuality: bisexual queen  family: bart & samantha de luca (parents), aldo de luca (brother, older), giovanni de luca (brother, older) & beckett liao (nephew, younger) 

she was only a few days old !! when her birth parents died,,,, supposedly,,,, and the de luca’s adopted her, probably for some pr stunt :/ or genuine kindness out of their hearts :/ but nevertheless, a spoiled life with a silver spoon in her mouth was what andrea grew up to knew, with her big brown eyes and adorable smile, it meant she was able to get away with more than what her brothers could :// 

even from a young age, andrea was always so headstrong and competitive, she got what she wanted and it didn’t matter how she got it. in primary school she was always picked first in sports, she was ahead in her class, she was a mini regina george without everybody fanning over her rip andy’s rights :// 

with the de luca’s being nothing more than successful, it drove andrea’s need to be better than everybody around her :// sorry if you went to school with her :// with her father being a senator, andy knew she had to at least live a pristine life, keeping things behind closed doors - so she learned, she studied hard and focused on school, aced every test, just to get her father’s attention. she kept her addiction to adhd medication a secret, her string of broken hearts and lipstick stains in the closet; all with a flutter of her eyelashes and a pretty smile. 

fitting right into the de luca’s world of politics and high society, andrea got accepted into law school and it was there that her drug addiction came to a head; finally finding the confidence to confide in her mother who quietly sent her to rehab for a few months before college started on the condition that if she relapsed, she would be sent back home indefinitely. to be honest, andrea would have rather been locked away in a remote island than to go home. 

she had a taste of freedom and she wanted more. andrea completed her stint at rehab and now that she was out of the house and away from the crushing pressure of being senator de luca’s daughter it was finally time to thrive and find out who andy really was. and she... really did not want to be a law student...... yikes. but still ! andy stuck it out because she ! was not going to be the second child to disappoint their parents !! when she was around 21 she met who she thought was the love :/ of her life :/ can i call double yikes??? im calling it 

charlie was everything andrea thought love to be. he was charming, funny, smooth - awkward at the best times; andrea couldn’t help but love him completely. their love was a whirlwind of emotions - they talked about everything from how many kids, to what pets they wanted, talking about saving for an apartment after law school.... y’all they even got engaged :((( 

planning a wedding while ??? still going to law school while deciding if you even still wanted to be a lawyer was just stress on stress .... for charlie apparently; on the day of what was supposed to be Andrea’s best day was probably one of the worst, because she was left at the alter by the person who she thought she was plannign to spend the rest of her life with ! standing there staring at an empty spot where her fiance was supposed to be with her entire family ? and high society friends ? staring at her ... embarrassing 

shortly after, andy dropped out of law school and moved away. and she kept moving 

she settled into new york, she went back to school eventually and worked on a fashion degree & she’s now (soon to be) starting her own fashion line ??? if she gets her shit in line !! we love a girl who has goals 

i want to say gio and andy were close as kids but sudhejfkds lets be real andy was a spoiled kid who really only mellowed out in her late teens and by then it was prob too late !!! she lowkey misses him and wished she had someone to turn to ://

personality !!

she can be in a room full of people and still feel alone, she second guesses herself & who she is but ! she is still from a prestigious family so andy is outwardly elegant, poised, always with a smile on her face. she can be easily angered but since rehab she’s worked on letting go of a lot of shit that has the potential to ruin her. she knows her way around politics and a debate, though with her competitive streak comes her need for other medications she’s not prescribed so she tends to stay away from that. 

in saying that though ! andy can also be manipulative to get what she wants, she’s blunt & can be overly sarcastic and critical of herself & others. especially if you have no dress sense. 

in the last year or so she’s def more vulnerable and keeps more to herself, she used to revel in the spotlight but now she just kind of ? shies away from it from the last time she got bad publicity for being left at the altar :/ 

wanted connections !! 

best friends - someone who knows allllll of this mess and can still !! put up with her shit would be !! amazing. i’m talking best friends who can potentially live together in an apartment doing !! best friend things !! g vie me 

child hood friends - someone from andy’s childhood who probably ran in the same social circle as her. their families would be friends ?? u know. doctor fams, lawyer fams, ... rich fams. they don’t necessarily have to be friends now but !! someone who knew what andrea used to be like would be nice 

enemies - hell fuckin yeah. someone andrea just cant stand, y’know, it can be completely one-sided on andy’s part & your characters just caught in the crossfire, or it could go both ways. idk maybe they both went to school together skdkg f

exes: since andy was a teenager & after she got left at the alter, she left a string of broken hearts wherever she went. i’m feeling if this was after that whole thing, bc andrea’s kind of... hating the idea of love, she could have rlly done a number on your character etc. 

anything ! everything ! talk to me i love u all !