#and about how Not Okay phil obviously is at all times and how hard he tries to hide that

[anarchy-and-piglins]

I’m thinking a lot about the start of the stream yesterday and c!Philza’s need to be able to move on from the dsmp.

As somebody who is immortal, regret has to be an inevitable part of life. And not getting caught up in that regret to an extend that it drags you to ruin is important. It’s something we see Phil do very effectively, always dealing with the problems at hand and the things he can actively solve as a way to deflect his negative emotions.

But both other people and traveling seem to be important components in this equation.

Phil has lost both.

Phil misses the Syndicate, and he misses his friends and family. He is staying out of obligation alone (take care of the animals, make sure they’re okay).

And it’s keeping him from deflecting and instead we see more plainly than ever how hard he’s struggling; something he usually tries to keep under the surface - not sleeping, losing track of time, being jumpy and distracted. Regret has become a constant (he’s talking about Wilbur and how much he really loved that nation, he’s talking about Tommy not needing him because Phil will mess things up, he’s wondering where ghostboo is, he’s trying to convince himself things will get easier).

He has nothing to distract himself with. (”there’s no enemy at hand”)

He’s alone. (”it’s quiet here now”)

Yet he seems unable to move on.

Not until Kristin comes and gets him, and tells him he can move on, he should move on.

It’s okay to move on. It’s all going to be okay.

(And when Kristin says that, Phil trusts her)

I’m just saying I think she saved him in more ways than one.

[blockgamepirate]

R = Rose (well, it's probably her), E = The Ender King

R: Long ago, E: A lifetime ago,

R: there was a child of the sky… E: there lived a man who fancied himself an explorer. . .

R: whose feathers were as dark as the night, of wings E: who flew with angels' wings,

R: that span across the Heavens. E: as vast as the endless Void.

R: He would take flight, possessing an unwavering spirit E: He soared wherever his whims took him,

R: and journeying through the unknown with a brave heart. E: claiming the treasures and secrets of the unknown as his own.

R: Day by day, E: Time after time,

R: he overcame trials and tribulations, an unwavering soul. E: he fought through trials no person was ever meant to survive.

These opening lines match so closely and it makes the differences in wording and tone very noticeable and interesting.

Rose (I'm just gonna assume it's her, alright) calls Phil a "child of the sky", the Ender King a "man who fancied himself an explorer". Rose is older than the Ender King and she's a protector, she views him as a child. The Ender King is scornful of others doesn't care about anyone but himself and views Phil as a man but immediately implies that Phil himself doesn't understand himself as well as he understands him.

Rose refers to the wings as "dark" but for the Ender King dark wings are kinda obvious, I mean what other kinds of wings are there, right? Instead he focuses on the comparison with angels, because feathers are kind of an alien concept for him, maybe, idk.

What Rose sees as "unwavering spirit", the Ender King sees as "whims", what Rose sees as journeying with a brave heart, the Ender King sees as conquest of the unknown. I think both are majorly projecting here lmao. They're describing themselves more than they're describing Phil.

Rose stresses Phil's unwavering soul "overcoming" trials, the Ender King sees them as battles to be "fought", maybe with a hint of grudging respect for Phil's success against all odds?

The rest of the text in each letter is less obviously mirrored, but the broad lines are still the same:

Rose describes Phil’s misfortune as seemingly having no clear reason, it’s just something that happened and it was a tragedy, but there's still hope for him. She focuses on his feelings of sadness and the way his presence was missed.

The Ender King blames Phil and sees this as some sort of divine punishment for his greed, again projecting his own faults onto Phil, that can only be escaped through redemption. This is clearly how he sees his own predicament now. And he draws that connection himself, explicitly.

I think by this point it's obvious that Rose views Phil as a child (her child?), the Ender King views him as a reflection of himself.

Rose only mentions herself off-handedly, doesn’t make a big deal of herself and even tries to dismiss her identity as unimportant. She only expresses her familiarity with Phil and that she feels his pain and wants to help him. She assures him that they will meet again (not realising that her message ended up being everything but comforting for him, oops.)

The Ender King talks about himself almost as much if not more than he talks about Phil, and only sees Phil’s value in his relation to himself. He makes a big deal about being THE ONLY ONE who can help Phil, which he offers to do, in the most condescending way possible. ”to grant you the peace of mind you so desperately seek”, okay dude.

And of course the way he addresses Phil is full of mockery where Rose's is full of gentle praise. It's interesting that he calls Phil by name, though, while Rose only addresses him by the same sobriquet she used in the beginning, "child of the sky".

It's also interesting how Rose seems to focus a LOT on Phil's wings, but it's hard to say if this is metaphorical or literal (or both). The Ender King's letter definitely makes it sound more like it's about Phil's mental state, him seeking "peace of mind". Rose also sort of touches on something related to that with the comment about his memories, but that's kinda it. The Ender King refers to his derealisation episodes very bluntly. Although I don't think either of them mean the problems with derealization is the thing he needs guidance for, considering they're BOTH actively making it worse with their messages.

If I were to guess, it's probably about him losing his memories and getting trapped on Quesadilla Island? idk. Possibly also the wings but I'm starting to lean towards the wings just needing to heal on their own and he probably doesn't actually need help with that.

Anyway, there are a lot of differences between the letters, but there are also a lot of core similarities: both of them are in a way treating him as a child, or a naive and childish person, both of them recognise his pain, both of them offer guidance and relief for said pain, although one through "faith" and one through "redemption" (oh boy there's a lot to say about that particular contrast that one could maybe make some real life comparisons about...) and although Rose does it a lot more, both of them associate him heavily with his wings.

I feel like there's also a certain level of respect for him in both letters, paradoxically. You wouldn't think that from how you have this almost coddling tone on one hand and mocking and condescending on the other. But they both describe him as a larger-than-life figure, almost like a mythical creature or a legendary hero (hero in the ancient sense of the word). And the way they BOTH emphasize the unfathomable vastness of his wings in such similar ways also doesn't seem coincidental. That's not how you (as a god) describe a mortal man, that's how you describe a fellow divine being.

(Honestly, these descriptions almost sound like he's a personification of a natural force, like he isn't just like the night or like the darkness, he is the night, he is the darkness, he is the void. What else would have wings that stretched out across the entire sky?)

And of course they both ultimately see him as someone worthy of their divine guidance.

I'm so excited to see if the other deities send him their own messages, I can't wait

[lesbianphan]

The Myth of Sisyphus and PHILosophy (lol) - a brief essay on two nerds playing a game that might not be that deep but hey who's gonna stop me from pushing this boulder up the hill of writing this?

Disclaimer: it's finally my turn to use my useless degree that included a lot of literary analysis for something extremely important to society: analyzing Dan and Phil content!!! yay!!! This is about to be incredibly nerdy and waffly, but like what else are you doing with your time anyway on phannie tumblr?? (pls read it, I just reread Camus for this for the first time in years okay I'm dedicated to my craft)

"The struggle itself towards the heights is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy." Albert Camus

As a part of Camus' essays on absurdist philosophy, The Myth of Sisyphus deals with the pointlessness of existence, through retelling the story of the greek myth about the titular character who, as a punishment for defying Death, was condemned to spend eternity pushing a boulder up a hill just to watch it fall back down. That may sound bleak, such is the futile nature of getting up every day and doing tasks, after all.

However, that's not really what the essay conveys. As the quotation provided in the beginning shows, Camus' takeaway about the myth of Sisyphus isn't about how easy it would be to take the option of not engaging at all with the repetitive tasks that make life what it is, or even focusing on how disappointing this pointlessness is. It's about how the journey of getting up everyday and motivating yourself to hit the peak of the hill is all there is to life, really. The absurd conclusion is, ultimately, that pushing the boulder up the hill everyday is what true revolt against the senselessness of the universe is. If there is no reason, we make the reason by climbing up with our rock everyday.

We choose to be happy every day and appreciate our rock, our hill, our existence as a whole. We choose to believe Sisyphus is happy, and, as disappointing at it may sound at first, it's worth it to live your existence, as long as you decide to appreciate your present more than your future (the destination, that elusive peak of the hill).

In Dan's words, you decide to have "just one good night" together every night on tour, you appreciate the journey of climbing out of that mental health hole again. You climb up that hill again and again, because it's worth it, and there are things - bigger than yourself or your personal boulder or even your destination, - that are worth fighting for every day. You embrace the void, and have the courage to exist today, not tomorrow atop the hill.

As Camus' Myth of Sisyphus was, admitedly, one of the inspirations behind We're All Doomed (and it shows!), it makes it even more intriguing to inquire about how much of their reactions to that particular game about Sisyphus informs their perspectives on the world and their personal philosophies.

As a disclaimer, I must add: I don't claim to know Dan and Phil personally, and I only have acess to the parts of them they decide to share, the performing side of them. So, quite obviously, I can be fully off the mark on this one. Still I think it's interesting to dive into, if not for accuracy, at least for better understanding of the personas they portray online, and how their worldviews bleed into it.

The first big point a lot of people brought to the table is the shift in Dan's philosophy ever since writing and performing We're All Doomed and (most likely) a lot of therapy and work on himself over the years. Gone are the days of existential crises being treated as a joke, or mental health in general being discussed without care for what the audience may take from it. During the video, it's quite apparent that he tries very hard to mantain that voice of reason (sometimes breaking it out of frustration, which is fair!), to somehow guide us into an understanding of what this philosophy means to him personally and to his self-proclaimed magum opus WAD.

This is relevant, of course, insofar as this becomes the thesis of the video, silly gameplay and jokes aside. So I couldn't not mention it here, as it's extremely noticeable and commendable of him to now have a different kind of perspective towards the topic of mental health, in this more mature era of their content. You can tell it's relevant to him to try to get the point of the myth across, in a way that tells his audience, as much as it tells himself, that giving up isn't a choice. You must keep pushing that boulder and you must believe that Sisyphus is happy, and so will you be during that journey up the hill. Even when it falls down again and you meet frustration, you pick yourself back up and keep trying to enjoy the present once again.

Secondly, regarding Dan's behavior during the gameplay, it's notable that he gets extremely frustrated when the boulder falls down (who wouldn't?). However, he always tries to catch it and put it back in the path upwards, instead of throwing his hands and giving up like Phil seems to do. This shows, very loosely, how he handles frustration in his own life: trying to fix things and get them right on path again. It's sometimes the most difficult choice to make, but it's extremely corageous to just keep trying in face of extreme frustration. We've seen it all over gaming videos, but also on his own personal projects getting shut down, and Dan still insisting on carrying on creating things that are personal to him, even in face of rejection.

Phil, however, seemed to give up out of frustration extremely easily, so much so that Dan kept pointing it out how he'd let go of the controls and let it happen. It might not mean much, but since he himself claims he gives up on things that are too difficult, it might just be an aspect of his personality to literally let go in face of things he perceives as impossible to achieve.

It is also notable that when he made a mistake, no matter how competitive they usually are on the surface, Phil decided to ask Dan for help, or try to tag out entirely and hand it over. This may not only be related to frustration, but also to knowing how to ask for help, and also a belief that Dan is "the strongest one out of both of us" and he will be there always to help (quite adorable). Dan's tenacity in front of difficult situations is a great complement to Phil's anxious eagerness to hand over the controls when things get overwhelming.

It's interesting to point out how their personal worldview influenced their gameplay as well. Dan was focused, sharp, driven to get to the top of the mountain by keeping in complete control of the boulder at all times. He held on tight to the challenges and kept going, and he wasn't afraid to run back and catch himself enough to try again. Phil's style showed something very interesting about him that is notable in gaming videos in particular: Phil's propensity for making little goals and celebrating the little things in the path to a goal.

Getting through one obstacle that was once difficult is enough to make Phil seem content with his progress. He celebrates every little step of the journey and, in that way, it's easier for him to appreciate it naturally. He's focused on the little tasks more than the big picture, and that makes the experience more enjoyable. His goals shift, of course, as they progress through the level, and the difficulty ramps up. Even so, he's still more likely to point out that's the farthest they've gotten and, hey look at this ramp, let's get through this ramp and then we've won, because that's my goal right now, and that's enough to make me happy in the present.

This counterbalances Dan's more bleak outlook wonderfully as well. While Dan is focused on making it to the top of the hill, and gets extremely discouraged seeing there's a lot more ahead they'll never get to experience, Phil's view is that they got through that one challenge and, surely, next time they'll get through one more, and so on and so forth. Focusing on smaller things is, ultimately, a good way of finding happiness in the process of pushing up that boulder.

Moreover, Phil's brief comment about how you could "make up little stories in your head" is also extremely telling of the kind of person he is. As Camus' philosophy claims: the only way to live with an absurd world is by living through it and learning what it means to be happy in a world that doesn't make sense. In Phil's mind, a bearable way to get through the harrowing experience of every day existence is making up stories, which matches up with his creative mind. Art and creation are indeed things that can make life worth living, and it seems that even subconsciously, that's the path he'd choose against the pointlessness of repetition. The joy of creation is, certainly, and extremely human and beautiful way to find meaning in life.

The most interesting point I'd like to raise, though, is how they got through that game together: as much as Dan accused Phil of distracting him, it was interesting to see that he didn't notice that's entirely the point. The boulder falling down is nothing compared to the stories we share, the conversations we make. What is important is the journey you take, and hearing about your best friend's weird school inter-sports anecdotes, even if you have to start over because you got distracted.

And that's entirely the point I'd like to leave this of with: pushing up that boulder is only worth it if you learn to live, if you learn to love, if you learn to enjoy the present moment, instead of focusing on that ever elusive destination. Therefore, what makes not only the video interesting, but also the game bearable at all, is their interaction with each other. Much like in life as partners, Dan and Phil would, obviously, climb that hill together. They would find the joy in the little moments together, laugh, yell, get frustrated, pick each other back up again in moments of frustration, and keep going up that hill together.

The only way to live is if one imagines Sisyphus happy. The only way to exist is if you decide that, no matter what, you'll create your own meaning. The only way is to find joy in the now instead of later. The only way to make those grueling day to day tasks happy and fun, is by choosing hapiness. Dan and Phil have, in every sense, decided to keep climbing up that hill of existence together. It may be slow and clumsy and loud at times, but it's their own experience. Ultimately, the only way to experience that gaming content is by imagining Dan and Phil are happy to make it for us, and that we can all share a little bit of our hill in moments of laughter and community. That's what makes life worth it in the end.

A/N: this may be the weirdest thing I've ever done, pls accept me for who I am, thank!

[daisyychainssj]

I know the whole Richas and Tallulah conflict happened hours ago and it reached a resolution and stuff but I'm just now catching up with it so I'm gonna write out my feelings about it because I think the whole thing and the way everyone is interpreting it differently is really interesting. I'm probably going to end up saying things that people said like hours ago so sorry if it's a bit repetitive to read!

!THIS IS ALL ABOUT THE CHARACTERS NOT THE CCS!

Richas POV - Okay so firstly, Richas' pov is probably the most complicated because he (obviously) has a much more complex relationship and understanding of the paintings. Not only do they cause him to be distressed because of how they're created but seeing it up on Philza's wall has just shown him that his pai Cellbit betrayed his trust. He didn't get rid of the paintings and instead has been just handing them out behind his back and I can't imagine how gut wrenching that must've been. Tallulah get's defensive about the painting and so she becomes the target of all of his hurt, frustration and fear. He is so worked up over this (understandably) and is getting increasingly frustrated because nobody is listening to him. He didn't agree to the "not be siblings anymore" ultimatum because he truly felt that way, I think he was just blinded by pure desperation. This poor kid NEEDS to be given the opportunity to sit down with someone and open up about this whole Romero Richas situation and he needs to be listened to and his fears taken seriously.

Tallulah POV - Now onto Tallulah's pov. For Tallulah this painting is a cute art piece of her papa phil and her brother Chayanne and suddenly her other brother is demanding that he take it back. Yes it's his painting but also she's a kid, in her eyes this painting was given to them and it's theirs now why would she give it back just so it can be destroyed? Also, Tallulah is the sweet egg! the kind egg! oh she's just so lovely and that's all there is to her!!!!! (sense my sarcasm here) sometimes when that is the way that someone presents themselves it's because they're scared that if they aren't that way they won't be liked/loved and people will leave if they're not prefect. This girl has abandonment issues on top of abandonment issues and Richas agreed to not be her sibling anymore over a painting. So this impacted her HARD. (we ofc know Richas didn't mean it but her character didn't) Tallulah acts out and (from her pov) stands her ground for once and now her brother doesn't want to be her brother anymore. I also think her throwing a tantrum and being a bratty made some of the audience even more shocked and dare I say frustrated at Tallulah behaving like this during this situation because that's not how they're used to her being. She was being stubborn and giving these intense ultimatums but she can be like this I think people just don't see it often because she only really lets her guards down in that way infront of Phil and Chayanne.

So now you have two extremely worked up kids who won't really listen to each other because their emotions are so heightened and that's to be expected! Children can not and should not be expected to regulate their emotions in the same way adults can.

Forever POV - His entire pov of the situation is very interesting to me. I see a lot of people criticising the way he handled this and to a certain extent I do agree. However, I think something that is being overlooked is that Forever perhaps wanting to make sure Tallulah was okay is because that is not his child. He only got permission literally yesterday to look after her after being previously denied. With Richas he can sit with him for HOURS afterwards if needed to try and talk through things. He has to drop Tallulah home in like an hour. It's very obvious to everyone on the island how close she is with Phil, she will tell him everything that happened during her time with the other parents. It makes sense, to me, for Forever to want to try and smooth the situation out as fast as he can and make everything okay. Do I think that makes the way he acted completely fine. No. but I don't think it makes zero sense for him to have acted that way. Also, him being Richas' pai means he's seen Richas have tantrums and be dramatic and bratty, he's never ever seen Tallulah do that so yeah he's going to panic and be like "oh shit I need to calm her down/make sure she's okay because this is unusual". I really do wish he had taken Richas' feelings and concerns more more seriously and hadn't just left him for a bit hopefully in the future he makes sure that he does that. It's a learning curve and he's learning to parent as he goes! He crash landed on an island and then got a child dropped into his lap to take care of so he's kinda just learning on the job.

BBH POV - I don't really have much to say here, I think bad handled the situation well given what he canonically knows about the Romero Richas situation (which is basically nothing) He encouraged Tallulah to talk things through with Richas and kept explaining how important their bond is and idk I just think BBH did a really good job.

Overall, I LOVE that the eggs are getting storylines with each other and are learning and growing. I'm so glad that Richas and Tallulah made up, they both need a warm hug and some hot chocolate or something after that whole ordeal. Little kids feeling big emotions for the first time is tough! but they did great <3

(I apologise if I missed anything important that happened between Richas and Forever when they were alone, I don't speak Portuguese but I tried my best based on the bits and pieces that the wonderful Portuguese speakers on here have translated!)

Anyway that's my long ass essay done! <3

[bewareofthenewphannie]

what was your fave part of tit?

would it be to sappy to say meeting everyone?

you know, there was something so profound about seeing all of these people you usually only see as blogs (or in dnp's case as pixels on the screen) in real life and interact with them.

okay but from the show itself...

the moment sister daniel enters the stage and everyone just absolutely looses it every single time

phil's solo section in antwerp. it was the first time in years that he was alone on stage in front of an audience that adores him so tangibly. it felt so sincere and so very real, i'm not sure how to describe it but it was so special somehow

the tour bus silence in antwerp (along with a few other similar moments) where everyone was simply too shocked to say anything

the fact that pj and sophie built them the dioramas??? incredibly sweet

okay, unironically I love the part where they just yap about something for a minute? which is exactly contrary to the point they're trying to make but it's so much fun. also, I've noticed that dan very purposefully lets phil talk during that section (I mean, he obviously also says things but i've noticed a few times that he very specifically asks phil to say something, so that's cool!)

oh shit, you asked for my fave part (singular). sorry, I can't choose

I also love the song!!! I think it's such a cool idea to make it into a party thing and let everyone stand up and dance at the end! such an energetic way to end the show. I really hope we'll get to a point where people know the lyrics and sing along (which I feel like is already starting to happen?). in fact, that's the one thing that lowkey makes me want to go to one of the later shows.

overall, the vibes during the show are simply soso good. it's hard to put into words but we love them so much and they do love us as well. and there's this awareness in how they provoke reactions from us and we tease them for things and it's just overall such a wonderful thing, I love our parasocial little family :,)

[isa-ghost]

I see you have hcs, do you have any for mr fitmc?

Yes!!

Here's some ones of his relationship with Phil past and present too bc I don't think I have Fit standalone ones until now.

Obviously these will apply to AMFMN Fit too!

Fit is extremely observant and perceptive. Years of roaming a wasteland, spending every minute of every day documenting, chronicling, exploring and witnessing so much really sharpens those kinds of skills. Not much gets past Fit unless he simply wasn't there or doesn't know. All it takes is an inkling and he'll start connecting dots and making theories.

It's why he Hates the Federation. Not only is he an anarchist, he hates the way they make it so easy to keep him in the dark. It's why he weaseled into it in the first position he could get. Being a janitor sucks, but it's something. Anything to get a foundation for making next moves.

He struggles with trust though. He trusts people, but very few if any does he trust whole-heartedly. Pac & Phil are likely the only ones he trusts that much. And even then, he doesn't confide in anyone nearly as deeply as he does Ramon. Spending so much of his life in 2B2T has taught him to reserve trust for people who prove without a doubt that they're ride or die with you. He wishes he didn't find it so difficult to trust more people though.

Okay complete 180 in vibes here but I'm very passionate about this one: Fit has a giant warhammer that's his weapon of choice. Chainsaw, scythe, potato cannon, whatever other stuff he's got is good. But big fucking hammer. With those muscles? Oughoughouhgh.

By the way he never in his life had experienced people simping for his muscles or flirting with him prior to being on QI. It was whiplash and it's changed him for the worst /pos

On the surface it seems like Fit is pretty cold or at least disinterested in stuff that leans on the vulnerable side. It's not entirely wrong, he's spent so long in a place where vulnerability gets your base blown to smithereens or gets you robbed blind or both. But he Does enjoy such things. I mean, just look at the Fitpac date! And hugs? Hugs rock! He'd be so much worse off if he didn't let loose or let himself lower his guard every now and then. It takes a lot of energy to keep those walls up, it'd be unhealthy to never let them down. Especially in a place like Quesadilla Island, where it seems like it's a bit safer to do so. Honestly, he's the opposite of disinterested in letting walls down. He wants that more than anything, and it took being put on QI, becoming a dad, and falling in love for him to realize it.

Which makes keeping up this facade really hard. Not just the whole "snooping for data" thing, just Everything Fit has built himself to be over the years altogether. He doesn't want to keep holding people at arm's length and looking over his shoulder all the time anymore. It's exhausting.

That's not to say he wouldn't relapse right back to how he was before QI softened him up, though. Again, those trust issues. Purgatory really fucked with his head for a while. And plenty of things that happened after, like the whole Phil Ender King thing, really didn't help either. What he's going through is a form of healing, and healing isn't linear.

He isn't afraid to get his hands dirty. Be it with dirt, blood, or otherwise. His motto is you gotta do what you gotta do. He's a very means to an end kinda guy. And despite wishing he could shed being so hardened by the 2B2T Wastelands, he does value that it's given him this kind of strength. It takes a lot to be willing to do whatever it takes to get what you want.

The reason Fit loves fofoca is not only because he enjoys indulging his inner drama whore. He's spent most of his life roaming a place where secrets were as good if not better of a trade than actual currency. When he first arrived on QI, he wasn't entirely sure how to just. Casually socialize. There's little to no risk in it. It was incredibly foreign to him. But it turns out that gossip is like trading secrets in a different font. He's good at that. So collecting and spreading fofoca is how he taught himself to appear kind of "normal" to the other islanders.

Most if not all of the above is also evidence to support the fact that Fit in general is a very adaptive person. You can put him in any environment, as soon as he gets the gist of the status quo and what kind of stakes he's dealing with here, he'll manage no problem. Chances are he's experienced worse. Purgatory and the prison are 2 good examples.

Calling back to the wanting to be vulnerable + confiding in Ramon the most things, GOD is he grateful he got such a brilliant son. Ramon learned a lot from him, but even so, he already had many of the same traits Fit does. It did wonders for bonding, and it's part of what made trusting Ramon come so easy. He's glad he got a son that's so understanding of the way he operates.

The only thing stopping him from taking a page from Cellbit and just starting to kill Feds for information or other reasons is because he knows he'll get more out of playing the long con and letting himself be strung along. Infiltration goes further than outright brutality in his eyes. Brutality is saved for something you no longer need anything from.

Btw his stealth skills are fucking insane. In 2B2T your detection is life or death, and it'll only end in your favor if you can talk sweet enough or have something worth bargaining with. He often did one or the other, but even so, a historian like him typically lacked anything of much value to most bandits and the like. He was simply charismatic and lucky. Which means staying hidden, laying low, and moving with more calculation than a math class is more beneficial to him. And boy has it come in handy on the island too.

In his time on QI, once The Horrors all started, he's learned he really likes having intense intellectual talks with other islanders. Strategizing, theorizing. It feels like the survival he's so used to but with less imminent threats on his life. Bagi especially is an absolute delight to get into these kinds of talks with. It feels like casual socializing and the kind of talking he's used to at the same time. Very much his jam.

[nekole-doodles]

For today's DMSP AU, Imma talk about my Fullmetal Alchemist DSMP AU, one of my many AU mash-ups! Here we go!

Obviously, this is heavily based on Fullmetal Alchemist(The original manga plot and the FMA: Brotherhood series btw) so here are some of the roles the characters have:

Tommy - Edward Elric: They both have similar personalities but one is tall while the other is made fun of for being short which is hilarious in my opinion :) Also, Tommy joined the military when he was 12-14 and he's currently 16.

Ranboo - Alphonse Elric: I had to think about this one a lot since Tommy and Ranboo wouldn't be blood brothers like in the original and Ranboo would not be a suit of armor. Ranboo is the adopted brother of Tommy and they're still really close. Ranboo's soul was transferred into a sort of large organic doll/chimera that was the experiment of Phil(who takes the place of Von Hohenheim, I'll get to him in a bit). It's basically a lot like C! Ranboo's body but it's incredible durable/has tough skin(as in bulletproof), can't digest food(the body will reject and Ranboo would end up having to spit it out), can't sleep, and can't feel anything(he can hear, see, and smell, but not taste, feel pain/feel anything physical). His original body is basically Ranboo in real life but younger. The body Ranboo's soul is in has a lot of complexities to it that will be explained for another time.

Tubbo - Winry: He's an automail mechanic, it suits him. He also won't hesitate to clonk Tommy's head with a wrench if Tommy gets careless with his automail. He's surprisingly strong(as in probably being able to pick Tommy up and throw him) and hates feeling powerless despite always being left powerless.

Phil - Von Hohenheim: Still immortal and still left his family. Tommy doesn't like Phil because he left them but Ranboo feels more neutral about Phil. Basically like in the original FMA. Phil's wife is, of course, Kristin(RIP). He also doesn't have wings. Idk what else to say for Phil, he's really similar to C! Phil and Von Hohenheim.

Wilbur(not related to cc! Wilbur) - Roy Mustang: It just fits so well in my brain. His title is the Dynamite Alchemist and yes, he is sane. He's a lot like L'manberg era Wilbur but much less naive since he's seen what war is. ALSO, his uniform is extremely similar to the L'manberg military uniform in C! DSMP(but without the hat), I just really like that idea :)))) He and Tommy have a similar relationship as Ed and Roy in FMA but if you added more friendship and fondness because I love Crimeboys in AUs and DSMP :]

Techno - Scar: I debated VERY HARD on this one between Techno taking the role of Scar or General Armstrong/Olivier Armstrong because both fit so well for me. In the end, I decided on Scar but with a different backstory. Techno is a piglin hybrid because I added hybrid races to this world. So far, there are Enderians(I'll talk about them more in another post) and Piglins but there might be more. Techno is an anarchist still and he's very strong and good in combat. I still haven't figured out how he'll gain the destructive alchemy ability but I know that at some point, he'll be able to do more reconstruction, even being able to change the physical appearance of a person(that'll be elaborated on later). Techno did not kill Tubbo's parents btw, so Tommy doesn't have as much anger towards him besides the fact he keeps trying to kill state alchemists and succeeding most of the time. When Tommy and Techno had to work together, they had some surprisingly nice joking moments but it still took a while for Tommy to be comfortable around him since, y'know, Techno tried killing him on several occasions. I think he'll still have the voices which will be a major part of his backstory that I'm still piecing together.

Okay, it's late and I'm tired so that's all you're getting right now.

[dean-winchester-is-a-warrior]

If You Teach a Girl to Kiss...

Summary: Y/N has never been kissed, on screen or off and now she's expected to kiss the sexiest man ever in their upcoming scene. How is she going to manage?

Warnings/Explicit 18+: Not too much. Just kissing. Never been kissed!reader. Age gap. Tiniest hint of a "sir" kink at the very end if you squint hard.

Pairings: Jensen x Y/N (also *kinda* Dean x OFC Kelsey)

Word Count: 2,431

A/N: I got the following request from @kayyay1219:

If it’s not too much to ask but I got another request. Where the reader is a virgin in her early 20s and she has a make out scene with Jensen and Jensen sees how nervous she is so he calms her down and shows her how to kiss because she’s a virgin and doesn’t really know how to do anything. Also can there be a age gap?

Thank you so much for this request, hon! Hope this is what you were looking for! 💓

A/N 2: As always, of course this is a Jensen from another part of the Multiverse, who is single. This is an absolute work of fiction.

The beautiful divider at the bottom was created by @talesmaniac89

Masterlist || Tag Lists

I looked at Dean Winchester, my heart breaking. It had been too much. Too many lost friends, too many monsters, too much pain. I loved Dean with everything inside me, and I just needed him to make all the dark things disappear.

I walked closer to him, and saw his jaw clench. He had so many rules, so many walls that he put up between us, desperate to keep me out of his heart. But I needed him so badly.

I reached out and touched my fingertips to his soft, full lips.  My voice was soft and pleading when I spoke. “Please, Dean. I need you.”

He looked at me with quiet desperation before I could see in his eyes that he was caving, giving in. He clutched my upper arms, dragging me against him and…I…pulled away.

“Shit! I’m sorry!” I called out, embarrassed as the scene dissolved around us and I could almost hear the crew groan. 

This was our fifth try at this very simple scene. It was barely a page of script and I couldn’t get through it.

“Cut! Okay, cut.” I heard Phil call out as I pulled completely away from Dean, well Jensen, in utter embarrassment. “Don’t print that.” He said under his breath to the first AD, Kevin.

I wanted to fall into a hole! 

Of course they weren’t going to print that! It was supposed to be Kelsey’s first kiss with Dean; it was supposed to be full of long-repressed passion, the result of amazing chemistry and months worth of 'will they/won’t they' back and forths between the characters. 

And I had completely fucked it up several times now, by freezing and then actively pulling away from Jensen when he’d followed the script and pulled me to him to kiss me. Kelsey was supposed to throw her arms around Dean’s neck and kiss him back ardently; “hot and fevered” were the words in the script. It was supposed to be Dean with the reservations about the kiss, not Kelsey. 

To be fair, KELSEY had no reservations - it was me, Y/N who had all the reservations. Just…shit!

Phil came up to me with a kind smile. “Hey, Y/N. How ya doin’?”

I shook my head. “I’m so sorry. I’m good. We can just run it again.”

Phil held up a hand. “Hey look, no one expects anything out of you that you’re not comfortable with -”

I cut him off, shaking my head again.  “No, no, really, I’m perfectly comfortable!” The tension rolling off of me said otherwise and Phil looked stumped as to how to proceed. Obviously he needed to get the scene, but he also obviously had no intention of pushing me into a kissing scene I wasn’t okay with.

Jensen saved us both, coming up behind me and squeezing my shoulders. “Hey Phil, could you give us a bit of time, like an hour? Could we call an early lunch?”

Phil nodded, looking relieved that someone he trusted was taking over the problem. “Absolutely. Okay everyone, that's lunch! Back in an hour!” The crew dispersed, slowly but surely wandering away from the set. 

Jensen grabbed my hand and threw me a soft smile. “Come on, let’s go to my trailer for lunch.”

I nodded and followed behind him easily. I had no idea what I was going to do. This job was everything to me, I loved being on set, absolutely loved the crew and all the rest of the cast. 

I’d come on the show as a guest star for only a couple episodes, but as often happened on the show, Kelsey’s character, a badass newbie hunter, had caught on with the fans, and they’d championed the character into a bigger role on the show. 

Jensen and I seemed to have chemistry immediately, at least that’s what everyone said. To be honest, though, I’m pretty sure it was all Jensen; the man would have chemistry with a wet dish rag. 

But the characters had chemistry too, and very quickly the writers picked up on it and started to write to it, coming up with situations to build the tension and the relationship between them. 

Kelsey was quite a bit younger than Dean; she was a little younger than me too, actually. Kelsey was twenty-two (sixteen years younger than Dean) I was twenty-four (fourteen years younger than Jensen). The age gap was a major reason why Dean had wanted to keep his distance from Kelsey, believing she was way too young for him. But also, being typical Dean, he felt he was too dark and too broken for her too. Kelsey saw Dean as a mentor, but more than anything else she saw him as the man she loved. She had no qualms about being with him, but he’d shot her down a couple times already.

In other words, everything had been leading to this moment between them, where the undeniable attraction had reached its peak, and Kelsey was desperate for Dean to kiss her, to admit to their connection and help her by giving her something sweet and light in her otherwise bleak, hunter life.

It was a ridiculously big scene, and I was fucking it up.

Finally we reached Jensen’s trailer and went inside. Jensen took off Dean’s jacket and flannel, folding them carefully over the back of a chair so he didn’t piss off the wardrobe department. He wore only a green t-shirt and jeans now and I did my best not to sigh lustfully as he bent into the mini-fridge and pulled out a couple bottles of water for us.

Jesus, he was beautiful, which was part of the problem. Not that being sexy as fuck was really something he could control.  But Jensen was a ridiculously beautiful man, and in spite of spending months telling myself he wasn’t going to be interested in a costar that way, I couldn’t deny just how attracted I was to him. Every day I found myself a little more enamored, a little more besotted. 

And now I had to kiss him.  Man, I was screwed!

Jensen sat down beside me on the couch and cracked open the bottle for me. I took a deep gulp of it, trying to wet my parched throat.

“Okay, sweetheart, what’s up?”

I just shrugged at him, so he tried to guess.  “Is it kissing on film? Is it too awkward? I know this is the first time you’ll be doing a kissing scene, so it’s bound to be even more awkward than these scenes usually are. Or…or is it…” 

He trailed off for a minute and picked at the label on the water bottle.  “Is it the age difference? Does it make you uncomfortable?”

I quickly shook my head. “No, Jensen, not at all. I don’t see age like that. Past a certain point, we’re all just people. It’s nothing to do with you…it’s me…”

I was quiet for a second before I finally just bit the bullet and told him.  “I’ve never been kissed before.”

Jensen nodded.  “On screen.” I threw him a look to tell him he was being obtuse and he finally caught on. “Oh!”

I could feel myself blushing and covered my face with my hands.  “I know! This is so humiliating.”

Jensen pulled my hands away, shaking his head.  “Hey! You have nothing to be embarrassed about.”

I found myself desperate to try and explain.  “See, it’s just that for a long time, I didn’t feel very comfortable in my own skin; it took me a long time to feel��I don’t know okay, with being…intimate with someone.” I knew my face was just getting redder and redder.

But Jensen frowned and shook his head.  “Hey, Y/N, you don’t owe me, or anyone, an explanation. Your choices are your choices, you don’t have to have them okayed by anyone.”

I smiled at him appreciatively.  “Thank you.” But then I let out another little moan.  “I don’t know what I’m going to do here, though.”

An idea struck me, and my eyes widened.  “Unless -” But I cut myself off.  “No, that’s…nevermind.” I said, waving the idea away. 

“No, what?” Jensen asked.

I contemplated for a minute and then finally decided I had nothing to lose, either Jensen would say yes, and maybe I’d get through this experience, or he’d say no, and I’d only be a little bit more embarrassed than I already was. 

“Well…I was wondering if…I mean, could we practice?”

Jensen’s eyebrows shot up. “The uh…the scene…or…?” He left the question dangling there, obviously loathe to make assumptions.

I shook my head.  “No, it’s not about knowing the lines, or the blocking. That’s all fine. It’s the fact that I have absolutely no idea how to kiss someone, and I’m terrified that’s gonna become real obvious, real quick on camera.”

Jensen bit into his bottom lip and I had to hold back a groan. Jesus, this was either going to be the best moment in my life or the worst.

I back pedaled a little.  “Look, if it’s too weird or something, I mean, don’t feel you have to, or you know…”

Jensen shook his head.  “No, I think…I think it’s probably the smartest course.” His eyes flicked down to my mouth and I felt my stomach muscles clench. 

Holy shit, this was happening!

“Kay.” I said softly, turning slightly towards him.

“Yeah,” he said with a smile, his voice soft and deep, “you’re gonna need to get a little closer.”

I shuffled a bit on the couch trying to find a spot and a position where I could be comfortable and reach him easily. Finally Jensen just lifted me into his lap and I let out a little squeak of surprise.  

Jensen grinned.  “Is this okay? It’s just easier access.”

I nodded and tried to ignore the way his thick, muscular thighs felt beneath me, or the feel of his broad chest pressed up against my shoulder. One of his arms was snaked around my waist, holding me comfortably on his lap, and the other lifted to trail his fingers gently across my cheek.

“Just breathe, sweetheart, and let me show you what to do.”

I nodded again, and took a deep, steadying breath.  But I couldn’t speak as he swept his fingers, featherlight, down my neck, his thumb swiping softly over the corner of my mouth. 

“First, I’m just going to press my lips against yours gently.” His voice was just above a whisper, deep, slightly raspy, and utterly seductive. “All I want in this first pass is to get a feel for the give of your lips, to experiment with their softness.”

He bent his head and I could feel a spark ignite as he touched his lips to mine. A short, high moan issued from the back of my throat as the soft pillows of his lips pressed against me. He lingered only a second or two, pulling back slightly and then pressing forward one more time, slotting his mouth around my top lip and sucking ever so gently. But I still felt the pull lower down, as heat and damp pooled at my core.

He pulled back completely and I slowly opened my eyes to look up into his mossy green orbs; they were warm and reassuring.  

“Good, that was good.” He said.  His voice sounded a bit strained and I prayed it was because the kiss had affected him too.

I nodded and blushed; this was the best class I’d ever been a part of.

“So, you ready to go a little further?”

“Yes.” I answered quickly, making him chuckle.

“Okay, this time I’m going to kiss you for longer, and you’re going to feel my tongue press against your lips. That just means I want you to open up for me, means I wanna taste you.”

My breathing picked up at his words and I nodded frantically, reaching up for his lips, ready for his next lesson.  But he held back, teasing me. 

“Now, now,” he said with a smirk, “wait for your teacher to tell you to begin before starting the lesson.” 

His smirk melted into a warm smile as he pushed his hand into my hair, cupping the back of my head. He moved slowly to touch his mouth to mine again - too slowly for my sanity. So before he could even press his tongue against me, I opened my mouth to let him in.

A deep growl came up from his chest as he swept his tongue into my mouth. Instinctively I copied his movements, desperate to taste him too. I raised my hand to the back of his neck, playing with his short hair as he slanted his mouth over mine again and again, sucking first on my tongue and then on my lips, pulling on them greedily, nibbling at them hungrily. 

I let him feast and feast, not caring about my lack of oxygen, not caring about the time that passed, not caring about anything other than the feel of his velvety tongue and plush lips, crushed against mine.

Finally Jensen pulled away to rest his forehead on mine, breathing roughly. “Jesus, Y/N, either you were lying about this being your first kiss, or you are one hell of a fast learner.”

I grinned as I sucked much needed air into my lungs. “I just have one hell of a teacher.”

***

An hour later we were back on set. Our lips were a little swollen, making me sure that the make-up artists would definitely figure out how we’d spent the hour. But Jensen assured me it wasn’t too noticeable. Very quickly we were on our marks and ready to try again. 

I could hear the hope combined with worry in Phil’s voice as he yelled, “Action!”

I reached out to touch Dean’s soft lips.  “Please, Dean. I need you.”

My voice was desperate and urgent and finally Dean could no longer resist and yanked me forward, crashing me into his chest as he slammed his mouth against mine.

I let out a strangled cry and threw my arms around his neck. His strong arms wrapped tightly around my ribs lifting me off the ground as he strode forward until he had me crushed against the wall.

I slid back down his body to land on my feet, as he cupped my face in his hands. He plunged his tongue into my mouth…tasting me fully…and then…

“Cut! Fantastic guys! That was great.” Phil called out from behind the monitor. “Okay, let’s go for the close ups.”

As the crew bustled around us, Jensen leaned close to whisper against my ear. "Can I expect to see you back in class, bright and early tomorrow?"

With a small shiver, I swayed towards him. "How about an evening class tonight, teach?"

He bit into his lower lip, and gave me a look that had my heart racing and heat blossoming across my skin without so much as a touch from him.

"Hell yeah." He answered me. "Class starts at seven, and I expect you to be prompt and punctual, Ms. Y/L/N."

I giggled, slightly breathless with anticipation. "Yes, Sir."

1 - Jensen RPF + Any/All characters Jensen plays. @lyarr24 @siospins2 @impalaslytherin @maggiegirl17 @akshi8278 @candy-coated-misery0731 @nt-multi-fandom @deanswaywardgirl @slytherinlyn314 @globetrotter28 @jensensgirl @perpetualabsurdity @tristanrosspada-ackles @djs8891 @muhahaha303 @kayyay1219 @emily-winchester

3 - Any/All Fics (regardless of fandom/character.) @sunshineandwings86 @kazsrm67 @sexyvixen7

4 - Everything (includes fan vid/DOOL edits as well) @unabashed-lover-of-fictional-men @awkward-and-indecisive @maliburenee @supernatural4life2022 @spn730015 @b3autyfuldisast3r @kickingitwithkirk @waywardbaby @foxyjwls007 @deanwanddamons @deandreamernp @deanwithscissors @myloversgone @snowlovespie @leigh70 @all-alone-he-turns-to-stone @fangirlxwritesx67 @charred-angelwings @hopefuldreamers-world @mysherlock221b @jensensgotyoudean @stixnstripesworld @thoughts-and-funnies @magssteenkamp @norman1967 @princessmisery666 @eevvvaa @mishkatelwarriorgoddess @deepsketchsupernaturalcowboy @b-i-t-c-h-i-e @twirpbunwarrior @mysweetlittledesire @waynes-multiverse @mrsjenniferwinchester @bernasaurus @jensenslady79 @courtn92 @avanatural @ellie-andthemachine

[corysmiles]

The Talk

—————————

Cw: severe burns, mentions of gore

Notes: I’m back and ready to write more than ever so first things first t!techno in the little streamer au angst >:)

Also for context in the ls au tiny cities only really exist in America and since it wouldn’t be safe to have them out in the open they’re typically inside of other human buildings. The city Techno lives in is in the walls of the lobby of a human hotel :)

—————————

Techno’s fingers thrummed nervously against his thigh. The soft light from his computer lit up the room behind him, and one last time he glanced behind him to make sure nothing was too obviously nonhuman. His furniture was all rather nice, for a tiny at least- one of the few perks of living in one of the only tiny cities.

His leg still shaking in his chair, he checked his picture in the empty zoom call again. He looked normal. It was almost weird how much he could pass for a human. It didn’t feel right. Of course it was all on purpose, but it didn’t make it any stranger seeing himself that way.

Techno sighed and brushed his hair back out of his face, revealing more of the burn covering his left side. On the pixelated screen it looked even worse than it did in real life; every bump and divet in his skin looked grossly exaggerated. And if he concentrated on it hard enough he could almost feel the ghosts of giant fingers and fire crushing his chest.

‘Phil’s going to think you’re disgusting’, his mind supplied.

He tried to shake the thought but his grotesquely burnt image made his mouth feel dry. He wasn’t easy on the eyes for sure, and even if he did trust Phil he couldn’t help how his heart tensed at the thought of seeing the human.

What was he supposed to do if Phil decided he didn’t want to be with him anymore, it would be so easy for him to-

Just as his thoughts started to spiral to the worst his phone buzzed in his pocket. He pulled it out quickly, his shaky hands almost dropping it.

Phil- ‘Link please :)’

Techno’s breath caught in his throat and for a second he considered backing down. They didn’t have to have this talk yet. But he knew it wouldn’t get easier, and if Phil was going to come visit he had to know…however much Techno was okay with him never finding out.

Techno quickly typed out a reply sending his friend the zoom link before shutting off his camera once again. He’d lied to Phil before, saying his camera was broken so he never had to be seen, and while he knew eventually he’d have to turn it on he wanted to have a bit of peace.

It was only a few seconds before the zoom call dinged as another box appeared on the screen. The sound of Phil grumbling about it not working calmed him down. It was just his friend, he could do this.

“Hey Phil,” Techno laughed trying to sound as normal as possible.

Phil grumbled again before his picture appeared large on his screen, “I fucking hate this camera it never works mate. I understand the pain of yours now- still not working Huh?”

“Uh yeah,” Techno’s mouth dried, “Actually I wanted to talk to you. About you coming to visit-”

“Oh yeah of course mate what about it?” Phil smiled before babbling on excitedly, “Ah I meant to tell you- Kristen and I found an AirBnB that has stuff for tinies which is pretty cool so she won’t need my help or anything. And I think on one of the days we’re going to have dinner with her family. It’s gonna be fun. And I was thinking we could all go somewhere cool and it could be a good video or not- of course whatever you want-”

“Phil,” Techno paused, “I need to talk to you about something important about it.”

Techno studied Phil’s face carefully as it contorted on his screen. His eyebrows furrowed and his mouth hung open just a bit.

“Oh yeah of course mate,” Phil said in resignation as he sat back in his chair, “What is it?”

Techno swallowed and let his finger hover above the camera button. He felt completely frozen like a deer in headlights even though he was just talking to his friend. His head whipped around one more time to make sure nothing would give him away before his finger pressed down on the mouse. The distinct sound of its click made his blood run cold.

For a moment he refused to look up at the screen. Out of the corner of his eye he could see blurred colors where he was sure his image was now fully visible to Phil. But he couldn’t bring himself to look. Even with how much effort he put into trying to hide his burns he knew how bad they looked and he wasn’t ready to see Phil’s reaction to them.

“Oh mate,” Phil paused as if he was carefully considering his next words, “Well…your camera works now huh.”

Techno took a deep breath, letting the air settle in his lungs before lifting his eyes to meet Phil’s. Even with the screens between them he could see the pure uncertainty on Phil’s features.

“You can ask about it you know,” Techno shrugged, “I know it’s bad.”

Phil didn’t move for a few seconds almost to the point where Techno though his screen had froze before the older man let out a deep sigh. His eyes danced across the screen studying Techno for the first time ever. Techno was instantly reminded that this was the first time Phil had ever seen him, and it certainly was never a good experience when people got a good look at him. It almost made his skin crawl watching how carefully the human’s eyes picked him apart.

“Fuck mate,” Phil’s shoulders sagged, “What happened?”

This was the part Techno was scared for, the part of this dreaded conversation he had nightmares about. But he had to do it, it had to happen.

Techno breathed in and met Phil’s eyes as best as he could before prepping himself to tell the story. It’s not like he wasn’t an expert on it of course, the news ate it up for weeks after it happened. Even sitting at the hospital, or at least the closest thing tinies had to one, the tvs all replayed the story over and over.

“Do you want the uh… the full story?” Techno hummed trying not to act too perturbed.

“Yeah mate,” Phil nodded, “If you want.”

“Okay well,” Techno sighed as his arms instinctively started to rub against his burnt arm, “Um, I was sixteen, and I just wanted food after school. We had stuff at home but I wanted the fancy kind… which was a dumb decision. But the kitchen in the hotel my city was built in always had nice stuff you just had to go ask for it and I was reckless at the time- I didn’t see any issue going out into a human space.”

For a second, Techno paused watching Phil’s face carefully, but nothing changed. He was completely still aside from his breathing, and with the way his face seemed tight Techno guessed he was deep in thought.

“I left the city like I always did but there were a bunch of kids probably my age outside waiting,” Techno shuddered and let his eyes dip from Phil’s own so he didn’t have to see the man’s face, “One of them grabbed me- I’m not sure which. And another one of them had a lighter… I don’t really remember too much before I was taken to the doctor but I’m pretty sure they were drunk and just wanted to take it out on someone easy.”

Techno laughed uncomfortably to try to shake his fear but to little avail. His skin prickled as he recalled the memories of fire dancing across his skin as he struggled in the grip of giant hands.

“So yeah,” Techno exhaled shakily, “That was it. They said the kids weren’t at fault in the end and that there was no way to prove anything had happened. And that…that it was my fault if I chose to go out into the hotel.”

Techno’s eyes studied his burnt hands carefully before slowly lifting them towards his screen. Sitting there in stunned silence was Phil. His lips were drawn tight in a line and his eyebrows dipped above his eyes.

“Techno I-” he paused for almost a whole minute leaving Techno in uncomfortable silence, “I’m sorry.”

Techno stared at the screen in confusion. Out of any response this was the last he’d expected, perhaps only behind Phil being disgusted by him. He’d lied to his friend, he hadn’t told him about his real identity even after years of talking. He expected Phil to at least seem a little shocked about it.

“Are you not surprised?” Techno asked.

Phil turned his head to the side for a moment seemingly deep in thought. Through the screen Techno could just barely make out the man gnawing at his lip.

“About what,” Phil started, “That you’re a tiny?”

Techno shuddered at the word coming from his friends mouth. He wasn’t upset about what he was per-say, but it was still oddly uncomfortable to hear it put into words. Especially since the last time a human had called him that his skin had been burning.

“Well… I never told you.”

“And thats okay,” Phil said softly, “I cant say I expected it but… I’m not upset or anything mate. And it doesn’t change anything really. I’m just more… I don’t know… I’m sorry.”

“Why? I lied to you you know,” Techno scoffed.

Phil hummed thoughtfully and tapped his fingers on his desk, shaking his camera slightly, “Well-given that story I can see why you wouldn’t tell me. I’m just sorry that happened to you…I can’t imagine how much that hurt.”

Techno nodded anxiously as his brain tried to pull at the memories of the event. He couldn’t let himself slip into them though or else he’d be in tears by the end of the call.

“I just…I wanted you to know. Yaknow before you came here and found out that way,” Techno laughed uncomfortably, “And I wanted you to see what I look like because I know I’m not that nice on the eyes.”

Immediately Phil shifted closer to the screen and shook his head, “No no mate. Don’t pull that shit on me. I don’t care what you look like or what happened to you or what you are. Really.”

Techno sat stunned in his chair at the normally calm man’s outburst. He felt…odd. He couldn’t really explain the strange feelings of comfort at hearing what he’d wanted to hear for so long.

“You’re my friend Techno, and while I’m fairly upset about what those sad fucks did to you,” he grimaced, “I dont care. About any of it- that you didn’t tell me or that you’re tiny. None of it. You’re still the same person.”

Techno was shocked at the man’s words. It felt so strange being comforted by a human when the last real interaction he’d had with one had been violent. A few years ago if you’d told him he’d be not just talking to a human but friends with one he would have told you you were crazy. Especially since he hadn’t left the confines of the tiny city ever since.

“Phil,” Techno said eyes-wide, “I… Thank you.”

Phil hummed, his face still tight in barely concealed anger, “Thank you. For telling me all that, you didn’t have to.”

Techno laughed at that as he started to relax back into his chair. His nightmares of how Phil could have reacted were nothing. He still had his friend and he didn’t care.

“You deserved to know Phil.”

Phil smiled tightly and let his chin fall to his chest, “Well I don’t agree with that, still…thank you for telling me mate.”

Techno smiled back and Phil’s own lightened up. For the first time actually seeing a human and being fully aware of it he felt safe. When he was on discord calls with them sometimes it was easy to forget they weren’t also tiny, besides Tommy of course. But this was a new feeling. He was talking to a human who knew he was a tiny, who knew how much power he could have over him, and Phil was still kind.

Logically he knew none of his human friends would be weird about it since he’d seen how they interacted with Tommy, but it didn’t stop the fear in his gut from curling up; the fear that had been permanently there since the incident.

“I just want you to know also…before we meet, that it’ll be my first time since all that that I’ll actually be near a human,” Techno said slowly, “And I trust you Phil and you are my friend but… I just don’t know how I’ll react.”

“That’s okay Techno,” Phil said softly, “I’ll be careful I promise. And the house we’ll have already has tiny accommodations so that won’t be an issue… and I just want you to know if I get there and it’s too uncomfortable you don’t have to see me…”

Phil swallowed, “That would be okay.”

Techno stared in awe at his friend. He never expected this level of understanding even with how kind of a person he was. His eyes fell to his own hands before falling on Phil’s, just barely visible at the bottom of the screen. Even though they looked the same on camera he knew those hands would be easily three times his size. His friend who seemed so close now would be a giant to him in person. And while that was a frightening thought it seemed easier now that they’d talked.

“Thank you Phil,” Techno sighed, “Really. And I do want to see you when you come, I’ll get over it if I have to.”

“I know,” Phil smiled, “And I’ll help in any way I can. I don’t want you to have to be afraid of me mate. I hope you know I would never dream of hurting you.”

And for the first time since the incident Techno knew that Phil, a human who could so easily do anything he wanted to the tiny, was telling the truth.

“I know. Thank you Phil.”

[ilovescaredysquirrel2]

My thoughts on the new Chicken Run 2 + other upcoming animated movies

I saw the new trailer for Chicken Run 2 and I'm having a roller coaster of thoughts rn.... I don't know how to feel. I think Netflix is ruining Chicken Run! I won't come after Aardman on this, even though I think there's more they could have done, I don't really know how they could make this work since Chicken Run isn't really their thing. Like, Chicken Run is MORE DreamWorks than it is, Aardman. Aardman had a lot of work and effort put into the movie, but it still counts as being more of a DreamWorks film. I think Netflix is mostly to blame, I also wish that DreamWorks would have more say-so in this. Like, DreamWorks needs to step up and take back what's theirs! Like I said, not entirely blaming Aardman on this, they're neutral and have to be, it's Netflix I'm angry at.

Okay, so this new trailer didn't really feel like Chicken Run. My bestie Georgia and I are huge fans of it, so we felt a little hurt seeing this new trailer. Of course we're gonna watch it, obviously because it's Chicken Run, but we're still not excited for it and have a lot of mixed feelings. We both agree that this didn't have the same vibes as the first movie, where they mostly focused on telling a story of an American rooster with a broken wing who helps a hen and her flock escape from a chicken farm in the UK, because the owners plan on killing them off for food. The story has a lot of heavy topics and fits perfectly for a DreamWorks movie, relating to real life situations. Chicken Run is the best example but also Kung Fu Panda and Trolls were good examples too. I think Chicken Run is mostly known for the serious topics, and I relate to Rocky so much, that's why it's my favorite.

Everyone in the trailer seemed so out of character, especially Rocky and Ginger. Rocky was the main character in the first movie,m and it's okay if they wanted it to focus more on Ginger for the sequel, I totally get that! They barely showed him in this new trailer, however. I'm actually really mad. And when I saw how they changed Ginger's personality, I felt like crying! For so long, I saw her as one of my comfort characters, she seemed tough and strong but also very understanding and sweet in the first movie. It seems like they're just making her the just tough baddie in this and I'm really upset. Like, I didn't see her understanding and sweet side like in the movie. It's so hard to se my favorite characters like this. Plus, them firing almost all the voice actors. Like, Julia Sawalha stills sounds the same and this new lady who's voicing her sounds nothing like Ginger! I bet they only hired her because she's more popular than Julia. I also know there was some drama with Mel Gibson in the past, he might be a little bit of a jerk sometimes but he's still the OG voice of Rocky and there's no replacing him. Disney didn't replace Ellen in Finding Dory and Ellen's not a nice person either. Plus, what did Timothy Spall and Phil Daniels do to get replaced? NOTHING! I heard the voices and those are NOT Nick and Fetcher's voices... maybe favorite DreamWorks sidekick duo and I absolutely can't handle this. At least Jane Horrocks, Imelda Staunton, and Lynn Ferguson are in it still (I feel bad Imelda always gets stuck playing/voicing the worst characters, but she voiced an absolute icon in Big & Small).

To be 100% completely honest, I actually think Babs is the only good thing about this. Like I said, I'm also happy that Jane Horrocks is still voicing her, because I think she's perfect for this role. I love how Babs is the only one who's kind of in character, and also has more screen time. I don't want Babs to just be a comic relief, but I love that she has more funny lines. She's one of my favorites in the first movie, but I think it's safe to say that she'll be my favorite in the sequel. This still doesn't feel like Chicken Run to me, and it definitely doesn't feel like a DreamWorks movie. This feels like Netflix was trying to get ownership from DreamWorks and force Aardman to team up with them... however, I'm still going to watch this. Another good thing is Frizzle, she seems like a sweet character (I feel like they're going to make Babs and Frizzle be a couple, watch them be lesbian. Just watch, I can predict the future). If it were up to me, Babs is better on her own she don't need no love interest.

So after the long rant about Chicken Run 2 Dawn of the Nugget (ew I hate that "Dawn of the Nugget" title), I have other movies I'm way more excited to see. It used to be a Chicken Run sequel I was waiting for almost 3 years, but now there's other movies that look way better. It hurts, because I'm a huge fan of Chicken Run but at least Trolls 3 looks amazing! I don't know how I feel that they gave Queen Poppy a sister but she seems cool. I just hope we get that wholesome Broppy romance we're all hoping to see! I'm also really excited for Illumination's "Migration" which is about ducks, but what really won me over was this movie called "Butterfly Tale" which looks absolutely adorable. I love how it focuses on a boy butterfly and a boy caterpillar, because butterflies were always seen as a "girly" thing so HAH! Boys can like butterflies too! ^u^

Anyway, tell me your thoughts on this! Any other Chicken Run fans here? any DreamWorks or Aardman fans want to add to this too? What about Trolls 3? I'd love to read your comments!

[anarchy-and-piglins]

(reposting bc I fucked up formatting. Set in the same sire!Ranboo with fledgling!Techno AU I wrote here.)

The nest isn't very warm.

And Ranboo is freaking out because he doesn't know what to do about it. Turn on the heaters, obviously. But the buttons are all fiddly and Ranboo doesn't know how to connect the plug because Wilbur always keeps pulling it out again since he's scared one of the younger ones will give themself a burn messing with them and Ranboo should be figuring it out but he can't, he can't concentrate when his fledgling is shivering like that, curled up into a tight ball and making a low whining noise.

He's hurt, Ranboo's mind unhelpfully provides. As if it's not clear by the misery coming off the fledgling in waves, hitting right into the sensitive epicenter of Ranboo's brain that has been activated since he became a sire barely two hours ago.

Phil always said it could be a rather intense experience. He never warned Ranboo about this.

"I'm working on it, really, just... hold on, okay?" He doesn't think his words are reassuring to the fledgling. The man hasn't really been reacting to them at all. He's in no state to speak, he hasn't even been able to tell Ranboo his name.

Probably because Ranboo is a horrible sire who can't even succeed in the most basic task of giving his fledgling a safe nest.

How can he already be screwing things up this badly?

He gives up on the heaters then, partly because he doesn't want to wait a minute longer and partly because he knows the others will be back soon and they can just get them working. Ranboo can't waste anymore time.

His fledgling needs to be held. Ranboo needs to be a good sire.

"Come here," Ranboo tells him, rearranging pillows nervously.

The fledgling doesn't move.

Ranboo let his thrall die down a while ago, too young to keep it up that long. His fledgling hadn't tried to run away again and he had chosen to interpret that as a positive sign. But now he was refusing to get up from his spot on the floor.

"Look, it's- It's exactly as it should be, right?" Ranboo gestures at the bed. He almost sounds like he's questioning himself. As if this isn't the exact nest he'd spent consecutive weeks in when he was first turning. "It's very comfy and soft and I'm sure we can get it warmed up in no time. You'll feel better."

Still nothing.

Something settles deep in Ranboo's gut. It's unpleasant and painful, and he knows it's probably bad. But it eats at some uncertain part of him that clouds his mind. He's angry. Angry that his fledgling isn't listening.

Angry that he would deny Ranboo's care. Can't he see that Ranboo is trying to help?

But it's gone as soon as it pops up and Ranboo feels terrible because of course, of course this fledgling would not recognize a nest when he was kept in a cell. of course, Ranboo will have to show him.

The man flinches a little when Ranboo grabs his wrist. He tries to grab high enough that his fingers don't press into any bruises or scars.

"You need to rest."

The fledgling struggle against him. Ranboo shakes his head, patient. He's a lot stronger than his fledgling, especially in his current state, so it's not too hard to drag him over to where they need to be.

Just as Ranboo thought, his precious one does not know what's good for him.

When they're both in the nest, the struggling dies down quick enough. As if a flip has been switched in his brain. The man's pupils dilate again, not unlike what happened during thrall. But it's a different kind of instinct he's lost in now. His chest rises and falls rapidly with unneeded pseudo-breathes.

Ranboo holds his fledgling close to his chest, threading fingers into long pink hair gently and pretending he can’t feel the way he shivers at his touch. The fear inside his fledgling spikes, feeding through the bond until it has Ranboo cringing.

But he ignores it.

Soon this will be easier. Ranboo knows it will be.

[apollos-boyfriend]

Continuation to the previous one:

What needs to happen to get all Sparklez, Schlatt and Phil to unite fronts and form an unstoppable force?

ohhhhh that’s a hard one. i think, most obviously, if either of their kids was being bullied in school. both jordan and phil are in the PTA (schlatt technically is and isn’t, he just goes for the food. they want to kick him out but he Genuinely has good ideas when he wants to, even if the other 99% of his time is spent trying to hit jordan with a paper football he made out of cupcake wrappers), and they are More than willing to semi-abuse said power in order to make sure their kids are okay.

additionally, probably if one of the kids got hurt while hanging out together. i think jordan and philza would maybe fight over it for a bit before schlatt intervenes with either “a kid is hurt and you’re seriously doing this right now?” or “that very easily could’ve been your kid, think about how that’d feel” and it shuts them up pretty quickly. they all Do try to at least somewhat get along around the kids, but it’s more of a “i tolerate your existence” than “we are friends and i am on your side”

[lavender-phannie]

I SEE PEOPLE sharing how they got into the dip and pip phandom and I want to participate

I was first and foremost a pinterest girlie. The typical oh my parents won't let me have any form of social media except pinterest oh oh no boy little did they know all the internet shenanigans ends up there it's objectively the best place to "culture" yourself or "acclimatise" for the internet or something

Like, really, it's all content from all the apps compiled for YOU according to the humour YOU like it's amazing

Anyways going off topic .. I have intense FOMO so I obviously started to educate myself on all things internet

One day whilst idly browsing pinterest I happened on pictures of dnp from a tumblr post I don't remember what the post itself was but probably something phan but I didn't know that at the time and I immediately went and checked who they were because I must know and google said they're two British youtubers people ship together and I said okay cool and just left it at that

A month or two later they happened onto my pinterest again and my brain said hey you've had a pretty well curated for you page all things we like so maybe check em out see how it goes probably something we like so I said ok bet and I did and I watched a video of them I think pinof 4 and I was like okay these guys are super random they're funny but I don't get half the things they reference

But then the youtube gods saw my destiny and said this is your fate child and starting recommending it to me all the time

So I gave in and I watched them and they were amazing, healing and wonderful and they really really helped me

Especially like BIG and dans monologue about gender and sexuality really resonated with me cause I didn't really think about this before but I realised I actually agreed with him that gender is baseless but that rant is for another time

And phil, loveliest dearest funniest phil, whenever I was having a hard time he'd been there cheering me up

If you can't tell I joined the phandom in the cursed covid years I was here for the 2022 phivorce which was objectively hilarious

I know this is incredibly long. Longer than necessary but I've typed it all now and words must not be gone to waste so here you are and here we are

Sending best wishes during these trying times (2 weeks since last upload) (they deserve the break) (I'm clawing at the walls of my enclosure)

Anon i am also going insane and clawing at my walls idk how i survived a 5 year hiatus and the insanity of phannies seeing dan's foot in a video and calling it "joint content" (also don't worry about stuff being long i love reading it!!)

Kinda relate with the pinterst thing except for me it was instagram and i followed dnp accounts that posted stuff from other social media i wasnt allowed to have at the time... people underestimate the importance of instagram and pinterest when it comes to getting people into new fandoms hahah (although i was introduced to dnp through friends but you know what i mean right??)

anyway same same about phil being there to cheer me up when im having a rough time... in 2017 i had a huge dip in my mental health and i literally just watched phil's videos every night to get to sleep lol! I wonder if he knows how infectious his positive energy is?

WHERE WAS I GOING WITH THIS RAMBLE!? anyway yeah throwing my jumble of thoughts at u anon sorry

[ultra-raging-ghost]

Holding my hand out for adventure time au rambles!! Please do go off hehe!

SLAY okay so this idea started on one idea (bad being ice king/marcy being dapper bc i really fucking like remember me) so keep in mind i did not think abt like shipping or anything kbhvjgvhbj

so technically i have like 3 different ideas actually??

Idea 1 roles, this ones more "egg centric":

Marcy + bonnie as dapper and pomme (obv theyre siblings, not shipping the babies thats weird)

Simon as BBH, and skeppy as fucking... whats her name, betty

Sunny as flame princess and oddly enough SLIME as flame king!! I think about the "evil evil evil" candles and shit and i just giggle about it, thats so charlie

In all of these AUs i imagine tallulah as finn and chay as jake. Kinda controversial(/silly) but tallulah fits finn so much more than jake to me tbh.....

Leo as LPS. I dont take criticism shes a queen and i could see her and dapper fucking shit UP (i.e. that princess meeting episode where her and marcy fuck up a bunch of the breakfast kingdoms guards and castle)(my other candidate for this was richas) and obviously that would make foolish + vegetta her parents

As for breakfast princess, thats obviously empanada to me who else would she be

Pepito to ME is lemon hope... to ME!!!!!!!

The two lemon grabs are either Q and El q or osito and cujo.... id say q and el q tho because el q is a freak who would absolutely consume q to gain his power if given the opportunity (it wont happen bc hes too cringefail)

I like to imagine marcys dad, hunten abedeer or however you spell his name, thats kameto

and marcys mom...... pierre

I think finn's mom is phil and his dad is missa, missas too wet to EVER fit in that mans shoes (or lack of) but he is that cringefail to fuck up so hard and he'd be too bashful to go back.... horrific cubito abuse happening on my blog <3

to me germaine is ramon.... idk its just the vibe, its the hardcore vibes you gotta fuck w em, like have you seen that man? Ramon vibes

Bagi is uh!!!! whats his name!!!!! rootbeer head guy!!!! and his/her wife is tina!!!!!!! u see the vision!!!!

Idea 2:

MAJORLY THE SAME except instead of bbh as ice king, hes the tart toter

i dont know if you remember this fucking guy but god. god. god. bbh memory arc was JUST so similar to him

Idea 3, based off that cute little art i did:

BBH as marcy and pierre as PB

I imagine in this one the eggs would be mostly candy citizens, so for example dapper as peppermint butler, crunchy is pomme (if you know the lore u know how much this hurts, think abt FMA with that girl who was turned into a dog), etc.

think in this one foolish would be LSP for no reason other than i think its funny

And of course osito as simon.... and eye guy as betty/j

i had more ideas but im very tired so this is everything off the top of my head you enjoy this!!!!!

[isa-ghost]

Got any angsty Phil HCs?

Oh, always. =)

Definitely reread the EK possession ones bc those are full of angst.

Restate: He's used to having control. Even if just over himself, that's his normal. And that's part of why the Ender King's emergence scares him so badly. He feels like he has no control and doesn't know how to get control back. He doesn't know how to live without it. His autonomy is one of the things he values the most.

Restate: That's one of his deepest fears if it wasn't obvious. Like yeah he has basic bitch fears that most other people have like losing loved ones or w/e, but his personal Big Fear is the loss of his autonomy. It's part of why he's an anarchist & hates the Federation, another part of why being flightless is killing him inside, and part of why Ender King scares him. Especially after Rose's most recent message (1/17/24) said EK has no vessel. Phil's mind shot right to "He needs a vessel and that vessel is me. That's what he wants."

Restate: He knows he's losing touch with reality slowly. He tries really hard not to think about it, it makes him sick with dread because once again, it gnaws at his ability to control his situation or himself.

Restate: He does NOT like acknowledging that to a degree, he & Ender King DO have things in common. He constantly rationalizes it in his brain as "I have crow brain, I collect the things that look shiny & cool. Ender King is malicious, it's not the same."

Restate: I said it in a rant about Phil's characterization and I'll say it again: this man doesn't fucking realize he's flawed. Like he thinks he is but not in the way he actually is. He doesn't recognize his actual flaws as flaws. Or doesn't realize they're flaws. Or maybe is ignoring that they're flaws because he uses them to cope or something. Either way. What this man THINKS are his flaws & his actual flaws are entirely different things. In his mind his actual flaws are something he thinks are normal bc he's just Been That Way for so long.

Restate: This fucking idiot man has a detrimental habit of insisting on handling stuff like anxiety alone. He hates when people see him without his composure. It's not even like an embarrassing thing, it's just very uncomfortable to him. So when a panic attack hits or he finally concedes and let's himself cry, it's alone. And sometimes that makes it worse. But even that doesn't make him change his mind. "Keep it together for the kids," right? :')

Restate: He doesn't usually let when he isn't okay show, especially when it's a personal matter. He doesn't like burdening or worrying others. When he can help it, obviously. But he has Tells that the people closest to him (Fit, Tubbo, & Etoiles especially) can pick up on if they're vigilant enough. His feathers ruffle, he fidgets with his hands. If he's especially stressed, his wings might flap a little. He stumbles over words. Most annoying to him, he can't control the shaking of his voice. It's a dead giveaway.

Restate: He fucking HATES feeling on edge. He's extremely familiar with it, but that never dulls his hatred for the ick it gives him. That knot in his stomach, the flutter in his chest, the reeling in his mind, the fire in his nerves, the tremble in his limbs. That unshakeable feeling that no matter what or where he is, his back is vulnerable. This man wants to be Fight over Flight or Freeze EVERY time, so when he can't control the situation or can't anticipate what happens, he mcfreaks it. How can he prepare to survive when he doesn't know what to prep against? Or in the case of the Ender King business, how can he do anything to prepare against an all-powerful God?

Restate: Lowkey hates the quiet. It's nice to get out of chaotic environments for bit, but that doesn't mean the silence will grant him peace. He starts getting lost in his own head, or winds up understimulated. Music is a good buffer. Ideally though, he likes having the kids or one person to bounce off of (& keep him mentally grounded when he's stressed). It's why he adventures with Fit so often.

Restate: Speaking of silence, and calling back to fears, there's something so inexplicably uncomfortable to him about footsteps that aren't his, esp in quiet. See, the admins invisible Federation workers that just monitor things, he can usually tolerate those bc it's easy to guess when it's them he's accompanied by & not an unknown presence. But man, when he knows he should absolutely be alone atm but hears movement that isn't his own, his adrenaline shoots through the roof. (Little does he know, that's Hardcore Instincts kicking in. He's used to that movement being a mob out to kill him)

Restate: He'll go above & beyond for his friends for as long as it takes, but when a situation proves futile or hopeless, he gives up. And hates it. He feels guilty for it even when he knows there's nothing more he can do. He also HATES being helpless (it's part of why he's taking being grounded so hard).

Restate: Ever since that taste of flight in Purgatory, he's been aching so much more for it again. His stomach fills with dread at the thought of saving Tubbo's life costing him his wings. He'd make the decision he did again & 100x over, but flying is so core to who he is. He can't fathom being grounded for the rest of eternity.

Projecting here again: His anxiety is fucking visceral. He can't control the shaking of his body or his voice. He can barely form coherent words when it's at its worst. It might even make him physically sick. He can't sleep no matter how hard he tries that night, his mind won't shut down. And he can kiss his appetite goodbye for a few days. Thank god for the backpack autofeed upgrade, no one can pick up on him not eating.

Kinda related, he's had a panic attack so severe that he hyperventilated until he blacked out. It was shortly after the first time EK made contact with him. He nearly did it again after the time EK hijacked Rose's message

He holds in. So Much Rage. And probably grief. He buries it constantly because there are more important things he has to do, responsibilities he has to see to, people he has to take care of. Also he's an anarchist, he can't show that the enemy is having an impact on him emotionally. (But GODDAMN, when he finally explodes on them every now and then. There's a REASON the Feds & Purgatory workers perceive him as a massive threat).

He's hyperaware that right now, all it takes is the right tool or touch to his wings, and he'll be completely out of commission. It'd be SO easy to torture him in his current condition if the person could successfully subdue him.

Actually on that note, he has so many stress dreams about something horrible happening to his wings. Thankfully it was during the time the kids were missing so he wouldn't have to explain himself, but he woke himself up with his own screaming from a particularly vivid nightmare

Now he's getting stress dreams about Ender King possessing him. The only reason they're so sparse is because his mind seems more at ease at Rose's Sanctuary.

He's terrified to hurt anyone he cares about, but he's especially terrified that in the event Ender King DOES possess him, EK hurts Chayanne or Lullah.

Okay but on a spicier note: Imagine a reverse of how fast he picked up on the code Chayanne & Lullah. The kids clock right away that You Aren't Our Father & they don't even need to see his violently purple eyes to know for sure.

He is absolutely not (intentionally) self-destructive by any means, but he has tested the limits of How Immortal He Is before. I'll leave you to interpret what that means. But he's discovered he's immortal, not invulnerable. He can very much be seriously hurt. Why do you think he's so careful & over-prepared for everything?

If he's been demoralized too much for too long and no amount of resistance or fighting has resolved the situation, he'll shut down. He loses all hope. If The Angel of Death can't fix things, how the hell can Philza Minecraft do anything?

His connection to the Goddess of Death has been extremely spotty ever since he arrived on the island and it's killing him inside. He can feel that she's present with him, but they haven't been able to communicate. In months. He's been hoping a purple chest will crop up sometime with a book from her, just like Rose does with him.

I think if he were to lay out the entirety of the whole Ender King thing to someone & they hugged him about it, he'd actually cry in front of someone finally. He holds so much in about it, more than he already does. He feels so unsafe no matter what. He shoulders it alone assuming no one will understand, if they even believe him. Unconditional support is his biggest emotional weakness.

He does NOT take betrayal lightly. Purgatory didn't help with that, the only thing that's saved his friendships in that case was the awareness that This Is What The Enemy Wanted. Purely because of that, he didn't let anything the other teams pulled on Bolas get to him.

Btw he had stress dreams about being killed by his friends during Purgatory <3 He was genuinely afraid of Fit & Etoiles for a while, even a handful of time after they were back on Quesadilla Island.

If he's dissociating don't touch him. He's too easy to startle and chances are his response with be Fight. If you're gonna touch him to ground him, have a shield up. Or sharp enough reflexes to catch a fist or blade.

If he could remember his original universe (hardcore) beyond just Rose, EK & exploring, he'd be so unbearably homesick. Maybe it's better that the Feds probably altered his memories...

He has legitimate PTSD from The Nightmare, The Birdhouse, and from the eggs all going missing. You've seen the way he panics when he can't find them. Or the second he realizes he might be the only one seeing something. How A few times he's stopped and stared for a little too long at the abuelito sign. Ironically he probably couldn't put any of his triggers into words even if he tried, but it's easy to figure out the things that make him freeze or start spacing out

There are days where his wings hurt so badly that it spreads to his back. There's days he's bedridden with pain and standing is unbearable. He HATES those kinda days bc not only do they suck, he hates being cared for without being able to do much to return the gesture or show his gratitude.

He thinks about how long it'd take for those closest to him to notice something was off about him if EK possesses him way more often than is probably healthy. He can't help it. And he's a shred doubtful considering no one said anything about thinking he might be in serious trouble after The Birdhouse incident. Though.. he still isn't sure that was real to begin with.

He gets intrusive thoughts: Hardcore Edition. Like. Unlike others, death for him is final. So what if he jumped from the wall and didn't bucket clutch? What if he lost a fight with a nightmare stalker? What if the Federation did something to him?

[dreamy625]

This rockstar life - 4.1 Travelin' Band

So this is where the timeline really splits from reality, with Steve still in the band for the Adrenalize tour. Don’t worry about Viv, he'll be perfectly happy playing with Thin Lizzy or someone for a few years :)

Words: 4025 (sorry)

Content: Some mentions of alcohol

This rockstar life master list

----------------------------------------

== April 15th 1992 - Dublin ==

Dear Diary. Ah, I suddenly feel thirteen again! Kevin Peterson smiled at me in Geography, but I have three new spots and am totally gross so he must be blind. Blondie on Top of the Pops again…

Anyway, enough nostalgia. This will be my attempt to record for posterity our tour adventures April 1992 to… as yet undecided. Either for the biography I’m always threatening Steve I’m going to write about him, or just so that, when I’m an old lady, I can prove that I was once a cool rock chick (ha ha ha).

So I guess you’d call this the warm-up stage, although one club and then a massive stadium is a pretty weird warm-up! We're leaving for soundcheck in an hour or so, then they’re due on stage at 9pm. I’ve got to go and find Steve and try and make him eat something, but I’m rating my chances of success with that at about 1%. He’s been walking in circles round Joe’s garden since about 7am. I don’t think he’ll be hard to find, just follow the trail of cigarette butts. ----------------------------------------

McGonagles is surprisingly scruffy for such a famous venue. And small - Stevie looked like a tiger in a cage, pacing back and forth. I’ve seen the ‘In the round’ video of course, and a few bootlegs that Joe has a secret stash of, and the boy likes to move! Sav says in the early days he used to gallop around without looking and he had to take evasive action to avoid getting knocked off the stage! Happily no one went flying tonight though, and everything worked, and Joe only forgot the words once, and the crowd were insanely enthusiastic. So it was great. Surreal, but great!

And now I really must try and go to sleep, our flight’s pretty early in the morning. Sweetiepie’s already spark out and snoring - two nights of anxiety dreams and half a bottle of brandy will do that to a person.

Next stop, Wembley!

== 18th April - London, Wembley Stadium!! ==

Am I dreaming? I’ve dropped into a whole different world! I’ve just seen Elton John in a tracksuit!

== 19th April - London, Mookie Manor ==

I thought roller coasters usually warmed you up with a couple of gentle undulations before the ride got wild, but no, this one has gone straight for the big drop. I knew he got stagefright, and he was pretty twitchy at McGonagles, but this was a whole other level. He was okay yesterday - quiet, but you could see he was just concentrating really hard on remembering where he was supposed to be when, and getting the songs right obviously, but he could do that in his sleep.

Today though… I think it was seeing Robert Plant casually chatting with David Bowie and Roger Daltrey… he just went white, then grey, and rushed out of the marquee. Phil managed to haul him out of the gents loo in time for their stage runthrough, which went fine as far as I could tell, but then he vanished again and I couldn’t track him down. Backstage is crazy - there are dressing rooms and suchlike but, because there’s so many people, they’ve also brought in tents and portakabins and buses and there’s trucks and catering vans and flight cases all over - he could have been anywhere, so eventually I gave up looking because I was just getting in everyone’s way and went and watched the soundchecks from the press pit. Then Stacy appeared looking frantic and said ‘I think you’d better come, Steve’s…’. She didn’t even need to finish the sentence, I could guess and just asked where.

When I got to the hospitality tent, one of the roadies, Malcolm maybe, had him pinned up against a pillar. He’d drunk, I don’t know how much, presumably a lot, and apparently had started punching the wall, which had minimal effect since it was canvas, and then started on a table, and then taken a perfunctory swing at one of the bar staff when they’d tried to grab him. At which point Rick had run for Joe, and Stacy had found me. He was struggling against the arms holding him back, but went limp and hung his head when he saw me, instantly remorseful. I got him out of the marquee while everyone stared at us (you’d think this crowd, of all people, would be blasé about rockstar excess, but apparently we were still the afternoon’s entertainment) and into a taxi. All he said on the way back was ‘I can’t’ over and over. I’ve given him one of the pills he makes me look after so he won’t take a whole handful and he’s sleeping now.

Pretty scared about tomorrow. And it’s all going to be down to Joe and the boys - no hangers-on allowed backstage for the main event.

== 20th April - London, Mookie Manor ==

Wow. That was just. Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many people in one place before! I don’t think I’ve seen so many people before full stop! They said 70,0000. And millions more watching on television apparently. To go from a few hundred people in that sweaty old club to this! Yesterday’s freakout looks like a pretty reasonable reaction now. And of course he was fine, better than fine. Like Joe said, the second he steps on the stage, he’s 100% rockstar. It’s just getting him on the stage that’s the struggle. Really, I don’t know how he does it. I don’t know how any of them do it. I would be so completely paralysed with terror at the mere suggestion of going out in front of that crowd. I guess that’s why I’m not a musician! Well that and a total lack of talent.

Joe, I think, had the best day of his life! Prancing around in front of a massive crowd in those union jack jeans (I don’t know where he finds these things), and then sharing a stage with Bowie, Ronno, and Ian Hunter - basically all his fanboy dreams come true. He acts so cool and confident most of the time and then suddenly his inner geeky little kid breaks through. He was bouncing up and down so much he was practically levitating with excitement! Stevie was not quite so exuberant but, once the adrenaline wore off, he was pretty mellow, just sitting quietly in the bar with a big grin on his face.

We’ve got a couple of days off now, and then he’s back to rehearsals and I’ve got a big pile of work I’ve been ignoring. This rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle is not quite as glamorous as I had been led to expect!

== 19th May - Madrid ==

So here we are, first night of the proper tour. I was going to start before and record the pre-tour prep. But it was just like packing for a holiday really. All the instruments go with the stage set-up, so you don’t have to worry about that. And even Steve’s stage clothes go in travel cases and are looked after by the wardrobe assistant - this one is called Susie, and Steve has already nicknamed her Susie Sew. She seems lovely, but she’s about seven feet tall and six inches wide, so I hate her! If I looked like that I’d be a model, not washing a load of sweaty t-shirts every night!

These are supposed to be more warm-up gigs, so small clubs with minimal publicity. It sold out the day it was announced though, so that’s good. The club is apparently known as ‘El templo del heavy’ - The Metal Temple - so I don’t know how Joe squares that with his ‘we’re not heavy metal’ claims!

== 20th May - Paris ==

I was too tired to write anything after the show last night, and then we had to get up early for the flight to Paris, but today’s a rest day so we can be tourists. I haven’t been here since the occasional weekend trip on le TGV in my TEFL days, but of course Steve and Phil lived here on and off for years. They reckon it hasn’t changed - I don’t think the Parisians would allow it to! We went to le Centre Pompidou, and we’re doing the Louvre tomorrow if there’s time before soundcheck.

Lunch was hilarious. I ordered for us en français without even thinking about it, and then noticed Stevie staring at me with his mouth open. He went ‘You speak French?!’ and I’m like duh, I’m a translator, you know that! Apparently it had never occurred to him that that meant I could speak in French as well! Actually my conversational French isn’t that good - I’m more used to formal French and it makes me sound like someone’s snooty grandma to real French people. But he looked genuinely impressed. Even after living in Paris for three years, all he’d learned to do was ask for beer and cigarettes, and he insisted on me teaching him. Which was fine to start with - he’s a good mimic and can do the accent way better than me - but then the more wine we drank, the louder and more animated he got, and other diners started to stare and mutter. Then, when the waiter was bringing us dessert, Steve jumped up and intercepted him and decided he was the waiter now, with the whole folded napkin over the arm thing and everything, then he started waving menus at the customers at nearby tables and gabbling at them in exaggerated franglais - think Manuel* but French instead of Spanish. Honestly I thought they were going to throw us out! I had to lure him back to the table with tarte au citron, which was delicious of course. And then we left a REALLY big tip.

== 24th May - Munich ==

Another night, another disreputable little club. Look at me, so nonchalant already! Not really, not even slightly bored of this yet. I get to watch Def Leppard every night, how cool is that! They still look weird to me on tiny little stages, but they sound great. And Steve’s doing pretty good. Remembering Joe’s only comment on the Wembley freak out - ‘He does this’ - I was worried we were going to have a repeat performance every night, but actually he’s been okay. He goes quiet an hour or two before showtime, and he can’t eat anything, and I think the temptation to break his vow not to drink before they go on is always there, but there’s enough bustle in the dressing room to distract him and, now they’re into a routine, he’s definitely steadier.

== 26th May - Milan ==

The boys head back to Germany today, but I’m going home because I’ve got project meetings. I’m trying to get everything set up before we go further afield - it’s one thing to make a hop back across the channel to meet clients, quite a different matter when you’re on a whole different continent! I hope Stevie’s going to be okay on his own. He’s a bit pouty but trying to be stoic about it. And Phil, bless him, is going to keep an eye on him. Also hope I’m going to be okay on my own! I’ve never flown by myself before. Also faintly terrified about the client meeting. Never done one where it’s my project, there’s always been a proper grown-up in charge before. What if I say something stupid? What if I open my mouth and all that comes out is one of those anxiety squeaks? No one's ever going to book me again :/

I know people tend to think of me as Steve's nursemaid, but they don't see how he has to look after me too. There's things he's totally cool about, like travelling, that freak me out, and having him with me makes it much less stressful. Also just emotionally, he's just the only person who calms me down. He finds that strange, that he could be calming to anyone. I don’t really know how to explain it; somehow, because he’s as messed up as I am, I feel safer with him than I ever have with anyone else? I'm trying not to stress, and hoping that medication and meditation will be enough, in the absence of soothing Steve hugs, to not dissolve into a puddle of anxiety. It’s only a week and then we’ll be back together. And in Sweden, which is cool. I’ve never been there. I asked him what it’s like but all he could remember was pickled fish and Abba. He’s got a thing for Frida - another redhead, surprise surprise!

== 5th June - Copenhagen ==

Forgot to document the other Scandinavian dates, oops. Basically another two good gigs with happy shouty audiences and not too many wrong notes. And pickled herring is disgusting! Anyway, we’re in Denmark now, which is very clean and tidy, and everyone speaks English. I have learned two words in Danish - tak, which means thank you, and puttemus, which means cuddle-mouse and is Steve’s new nickname (especially because he wrinkles his nose in disgust when I call him that!).

I’m writing this at tonight’s venue, which is really tiny - I think my school hall was bigger than this! Steve always says that touring isn’t really travelling - you just see a hotel, a stage, and a bar, and could be anywhere. I definitely see the truth in that now. I thought we’d have at least some spare time in the places we’re in for two or three days, but he has to do interviews and radio spots and photoshoots everywhere and barely gets a minute to himself. I’ve been getting to know some of the other wives/girlfriends a bit better though, and today we all went on a little excursion to Tivoli Gardens, which is an old-timey amusement park. Took some pictures of the old classic rides and pretty buildings, but didn’t really fancy going on a wooden rollercoaster.

== 6th June - Roskilde airport ==

Oh god, so hungover. After the show we ended up going to a strip club as they stay open later than the bars. I have limited experience of such things, but it seemed kind of wholesome compared with the only one I’ve been in before, in London. Feel like maybe I should disapprove on feminist principle, but really if women want to make a bunch of money off men by writhing around on a stage in their knickers, that’s their own business. Also I was secretly thrilled to finally see some of this rock ‘n’ roll debauchery I’ve heard so much about! There’s this Danish liqueur made from cherries that they make cocktails with. It tastes like jam. And fun fact, when you drink too much of it, you throw up pink. Not looking forward to getting on this plane one little bit.

One more of these small club gigs then we’re back to Blighty and start getting into bigger places, arenas and such like. The boys are all very excited that they will finally get to play with their new in-the-round stage. This time the drum riser literally rises, ten feet in the air, as well as spinning round, which totally doesn’t sound like a deathtrap, honest!

== 15th June - Dublin ==

Back in the Emerald Isle and chez Joe. We’ve come over a few days early so the boys can, in the eternal quest to produce an album in less than three years, record some demos in Joe’s studio. I’m not sure how much actual music-making is happening, they seem to be using the majority of the time to play golf (mostly Joe and Sav), run up hills (mostly Phil), reacquaint themselves with obscure Irish brands of cigarettes (mostly Steve), and of course drink Guinness (everyone except Phil, and me because it is disgusting - yes, I am a traitor to my Irish ancestry!). There has also been a lot of reminiscing about when they lived here after the Pyromania tour, including visits to Booterstown and Belville House, where Steve, Phil, and Rick used to live (and which is now painted pink and looks like a birthday cake and about as un-rock ‘n’ roll as you could possibly get).

== 20th June - a plane somewhere over the Irish sea ==

Brilliant gig! Everyone sounded great, the stage and lighting looked amazing, and everything worked - all the fancy moving bits did what they were supposed to, and no one got flung off the drum riser! We couldn’t sleep at all last night, we were so hyper, bouncing around Joe’s kitchen at 4am until he came down and shouted at us to shut up! I think he’s happy his role as a hotelier is over - this morning he was muttering about it being like having raccoons living in his house!

== 21st June - Glasgow ==

Fucking freezing! It’s June! It’s meant to be summer?! How do people live here? Steve likes it. Must be his Northern upbringing. Freak.

== 24th June - Sheffield ==

Hometown gigs! Bit of a weird part of the tour actually. Most of the boys are thrilled to see their families and old friends - they had to make a VIP section twice the size of normal to fit them all in - but it’s been difficult for Steve. He hadn’t seen his parents since that horrible Christmas two years ago, but he couldn’t not invite them to the gig, so it was pretty awkward. Of course everyone was perfectly polite, we were in public afterall, but you could see the distance between them. I think Barry’s still angry, and Beryl obviously just misses him. She hugged him so tight, and didn’t want to let go. I know they all used to be so close, well, the boys and Beryl and the two grandmas anyway, so I’d hope they can get that back. But Steve doesn’t even look like part of his family anymore, and you can really hear how his accent has softened when he’s surrounded by proper working class Yorkshiremen. Not exactly a peacock among pigeons, but maybe a dove. He feels it too and it makes him really sad. He blames himself, but I’m not sure how you could stay tied to your roots while living such a vastly different life to the people you’ve left behind?

He doesn’t really even like being back in the city; he feels watched, like everyone knows him and is judging him for having ideas above his station. That period when they first got their record deal and people called them sell-outs and actually spat at them in the street has left deep wounds. There were a lot of problems with the sound last night, which was unfortunate, but it has provided Steve with an excuse not to see people or do local media - Joe and Sav are doing the interviews (wearing their team shirts of course - thank gods it’s the off-season or they’d be bickering about it endlessly!) - while he and Phil are here ostensibly helping to get the sound sorted out. Actually they’re just drinking a lot of tea and taking the piss out of Malvin, but it’s keeping him distracted from brooding which is the main thing. To be honest, I’ll be glad when this is done and we head back down south.

== 25th June - London, Mookie Manor ==

Back home again for a few days. Very convenient having Earl’s Court Arena basically just down the road from our house. Phil, Jacki, and Rory are staying over. We had to spend the evening building their bed as it had been sat in bits in boxes ever since Steve bought the house. Had to borrow spanners off the neighbours.

Rory has got so big and is into everything. It must be over a year since we saw him and Jacki as they mostly stayed in America while the boys were recording. I have no idea what to do with kids - they’re just loud and sticky agents of chaos to me - but Steve is really good with him. They’ve been playing hide and seek, and driving matchbox cars round the living room, and now Steve’s upstairs reading him a story. It’s really sweet. I wish… no I don’t wish, because we just couldn’t, for everyone’s sake. But in some ways, he really would make a great dad.

== 26th June - London, Earl’s Court ==

Very proud of the boys today - they won the Silver Clef award for outstanding contribution to British music! We had to go to the presentation lunch at the InterContinental Hotel on Park Lane. It’s super-fancy, inside at least, but unfortunately was built in the 1970’s so is a hideous concrete box. Kind of terrifying - they took pictures of all of us when we arrived and I did not know what to do with my face, I was trying to hide behind Stevie as much as possible. And he ate most of my lunch so the waiters wouldn’t look at me funny.

Really looking forward to the gig tonight. This is the biggest one so far, I think the biggest one until we get to America? Phil’s mum is coming and we’re going to sit together. She’s such a sweetheart - you can tell where he gets his golden retriever personality from!

== 30th June - Birmingham, NEC ==

Second of three nights here as the ticket sales have been so good. Not the most glamorous of venues though! And I’m so glad we have drivers to ferry us around - I would die if I had to navigate Birmingham’s road system! One thing in the NEC’s favour though is that it has got really good business facilities. I have a mountain of work to get finished before we go to Australia, ugh. Steve was a little bit sulky when I said I had to work the whole time, but he does understand really. Phil has taken him to the gym today, so I’ll look forward to hearing how that went :)

The bigger venues they’ve been doing on this leg do make such a difference to the experience, now I'm seeing Leppard as I know them from videos. And Steve is unleashed! He runs around like a greyhound, doing all his signature moves. It's really… I feel ridiculous writing this, but really sexy! Not that I didn't fancy him like mad already, but ‘Stage Steve’ is a very different animal. I think it's the confidence, even a little bit of arrogance, and the power he has over the audience. He’s just… magnificent! I haven't worked out yet if it's entirely put on, just a performance, or if it's tapping into a part of his personality that's usually buried. I'm not sure he knows himself. Either way it’s really quite something! And I knew the tight jeans were an essential component of that outfit…

Argh, stop thinking about that! Got to concentrate on the blasted book! Les deadlines ne sont pas optionnels!

== 3rd July - Belfast ==

So King’s Hall is the last UK gig. It’s a really cool building - Art Deco with an arched roof over the main hall. It’s not all that big though, so there was a lot of worrying about whether the in-the-round set-up would fit. It does, and it should be a great show for the audience because most of them will be so close to the stage. I’m going to watch from up on the balcony to get the full experience (I’ve always been in the VIP section or the press pit, which of course is amazing, but they’ve always said this show is designed for the people in the cheap seats at the back!).

After this, we've got a few days back at home, time to do laundry and repack for hot weather, then we fly out to Australia on the 7th. Another new place and the longest flight I’ve ever done - well, flights plural as you have to do it in two hops. Steve’s really excited, which is so cute. And I think he’s even excited about going on a tour bus again, although he grumbles about it; he keeps telling me stories of their escapades on the High ‘n’ Dry tour. This all still doesn’t seem fully real to me; I feel like I'm inside an MTV rockumentary!

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*Fawlty Towers reference