giraffegirlfeelings

[giraffegirlfeelings]

its a very odd feeling, having picked out a date and still having to hang around until then

[giraffegirlfeelings]

But you all know that one day I will die by suicide. You all know deep down you just haven't accepted it yet. I wasn't made for this world of endless suffering.

[giraffegirlfeelings]

I'm getting better! (I started sobbing uncontrollably instead of cutting myself)

[giraffegirlfeelings]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean to be like that. I don't want to act this way.

I'm sorry I can't communicate. I'm sorry that I try and push you away. I'm sorry. I just want you with me.

I'm sorry that I can't say that to you. I'M SORRY.

I'm so fucking sorry please don't leave me?

I know I'm hard to love. I KNOW.

I don't want to be like this.

I promise I am trying to change.

I promise I can act normal.

Please?

[giraffegirlfeelings]

i love you like a dog. i sit at your feet and do whatever tricks you ask me to do. the only thing ill ever care about is being perfect for you. i’ll stretch myself thin and work till i’m barely conscious just to hear a bit of praise from you. i’ll follow you till the ends of the earth and eat nothing but your scraps if it means i get to stay with you. i’ll wait at the door where you left for hours, days, weeks, months, for the rest of my life. i’ll lay my head down and rest, watching the steps and waiting for you to return to me. i’ll always love you.

[giraffegirlfeelings]

i dont think i want to keep going anymore, i ruin everything i touch, im just going to hurt her eventually, i am deeply and badly obsessed and i dont know what to do about it. i don't even know how to trust them with things anymore, im scared as hell of opening up to them, i dont know how to fix it but i moved in with them and now id kinda rather off myself than work out how to separate. its not even their fault probably, im just fucking toxic to everyone i interact with, i shouldve fucking ended it when i was back in college

[giraffegirlfeelings]

genuinely fighting the urge to block all the friends i still have and just wander off to see what the fuck happens

[giraffegirlfeelings]

completely forgot it was friday and ended up relapsing on my fucking injection day so now i get to stab myself in one of the legs that i just fucked up

[giraffegirlfeelings]

putting together a fucking playlist for her what the fuck am i doing

[giraffegirlfeelings]

it's getting harder to deny that i have a fucking problem, esp when my brain keeps snapping to moments from romance fic whenever we talk

[giraffegirlfeelings]

not me barely avoiding dropping a casual i love you without even thinking about it for like the third time now this is going to become a problem

[giraffegirlfeelings]

god i knew it would happen like this i really can only focus on one person at once and she doesn't deserve this neither of them do no one does fuck i should go walk into traffic

[giraffegirlfeelings]

god it is taking so much effort not to go and block both of them on everything and have done with this but i know neither of them deserve it so i cant

[giraffegirlfeelings]

i have been waiting excitedly to see them for months, been trying to get better so i can actually have a good time with them, and now they're just talking on their blog about how excited they are to see their family and calling out another friend by name that they're excited to see and they told me specifically that they're only gonna see me and that other friend while they're in town and fuck i know we haven't been talking nearly as much lately but god i just feel so fucking empty now

[giraffegirlfeelings]

i have waited months to maybe see them can i not fucking ruin this for once???

[giraffegirlfeelings]

never really appreciated having friends close enough to be spontaneous with until they were all gone

[giraffegirlfeelings]

if im gonna keep relating so damn hard to things that turn out to be written about bpd, im gonna eventually have to admit that that might be part of what's wrong with me