ridiculous future bullshit by sami
Future Fic
19 works
61K words
While rereading through works related to Author sami's And Time Is But A Paper Moon, reviewed here and here and here, I remembered reading the ridiculous future bullshit series. Through 19 short works of fiction, Author sami creates a reasonable facsimile of what the future looks like if six Immortals survive into the 21st century, forming the Five Nations.
Note: Author sami tells us "So this is the actual first-ish entry in the ridiculous future bullshit series, which of course means it is still the purest trash, it's bullshit and any complaints will still be met with you were warned."
Let's take a quick look at a few of the tales.
Now Showing: Hanguang-Jun And The Yiling Patriarch
Wei Wuxian rubs his nose. "Look, I'm guessing you're okay with your movie being, like… complete bullshit, right?"
"They are okay with that. They are so very fucking okay with that," Steve snaps.
"Okay." Wei Wuxian grins, and Dennis suddenly absolutely believes that he is talking to a trickster god. "You don't want to put Sandu Shengshou in this movie, trust me. And if you make this about sh- Jiang Yanli's actual marriage, then she might cry, and then Sandu Shengshou and I will have to raze this place to the fucking ground and salt the earth on which it stood, nobody wants that kind of hassle. But you can have a poor girl named Mo Fan - she has a terrible family, make it a bit like Cinderella, that was an okay movie."
Wei Wuxian has seen Cinderella.
Dennis notices that a sparkly princess crown has fallen out of Wei Wuxian's shopping bags.
"Mo Fan," he croaks. "Got it. Cinderella."
Wei Wuxian nods earnestly. "And a handsome prince named Jin Guangyao meets her and falls in love with her. He's in town to… try and help the villagers rebuild after the famine that drew the monsters there," he says. "Because he's just a really good guy. You can say it sends messages about how not all heroes are stabby fighters."
In which an animated movie Hanguang-Jun and the Yiling Patriarch is discussed with its Producer while the poor, ignored Five Nations consultant recognizes the two Immortals in the Producer's office.
Let's just say the original premise featuring "the story of Hanguang-Jun, a noble prince, who defeats the monsters terrorising the city of Yiling with the help of the grizzled old Yiling Patriarch, and in the process falls in love with a local maiden, Princess Lotus Blossom." is not appreciated.
Flick of the Wrist
Dernier is famous. He's been on television in sixteen countries. She's bound to be impressed.
He skips actually attending the afternoon session in favour of writing and then recording a long YouTube video about the Symposium. He titles it Inside the Top Secret Medical Conference You've Never Heard Of, and uploads it with a smirk. That'll show them for not actually inviting him.
In which a Famous Medical Researcher attends a Symposium held by Wen Qing. Once.
Lan Zhan's University Days (JAFFY)
Ziyuan gives him a look. "Last I checked, you weren't in charge of the computer science department, shushu, and this is what I have to do if I want to pass."
Jiang Ying scowls. "We'll see about that," he says darkly. He leaves the room briefly and comes back with a laptop of his own. It looks like it was probably sleek and expensive once, but now it's covered with glitter stickers. He sets it on the table and turns it on; when he clears away the windows he did have up, Jordan thinks she sees a browser tab open to YouTube frozen on a still frame of a Hanguang-Jun and the Yiling Patriarch fanvid.
Jiang Ying really seems to like that movie. He wears Hanguang-Jun and the Yiling Patriarch t-shirts at least once a week.
"You run Suibian?" Peter, one of the other students, sounds impressed. Jordan has heard of it - it's an open-source operating system, which is apparently important. Her sister is Very Into Computers, and talks about it a lot, apparently it's way better than other operating systems. Ava keeps trying to get Jordan to let her install it on her computer.
"I wrote Suibian," Jiang Ying says absently, typing rapidly.
"Holy shit," Peter breathes. "You're Axian?" He pronounces it Axe-ian.
"A-Xian," Jiang Ying corrects, still typing. "But you can't call me that, stick to Jiang Ying. I wrote it for my brother and sister, they needed something with actual security for their… work."
"Why does the source code say my sword is always at your service?" Peter asks eagerly. "Everyone has so many theories about that. Do you play D&D?"
"I don't. It says that because for them, it is. Hush now, do your work, I'm busy," Jiang Ying says, tossing a smile over his shoulder. Text is scrolling rapidly through several terminal windows.
In which Lan Zhan goes to veterinary school and the entire class is adopted for the semester after failing their first exam because Students Were Distracted.
Characters encountered here are met again and again in other tales. Some characters become more important than others.
And there are kittens.
The stories are not canon and are definitely not to be taken too seriously. Still … they are an exceptionally enjoyable read.
And yes, I enjoy YouTube "The Untamed" themed crack videos as well.
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Do you have a family tree for DOTC and the ancient tribes around the lake with Hollyleaf/Fallenleaf?
I don't yet. When I finish up my re-read, I'm going to gather ALL of the DOTC cats and start dividing them up into the three cultural groups. After getting them all in bundles, I'm going to whip them up into proper family trees.
If you're asking about canon's family tree... I can make it if you'd like, but I'd just be showing you the ticking timebomb of genetic diversity they set up for themselves. It's all Quiet Rainkin and random forest cats, most introduced after book 3. None of the other settlers had grandchildren and the living children have no mates.
Sun Shadow died.
Lightning Tail died and Acorn Fur was forced into a vow of chastity
None of Turtle Tail's kits have kits; one is in a vow of chastity
There's nothing to "preserve" about the canon tree, unfortunately. It's not really a "tree," it's more like a couple of bubbles with a ton of dead women floating around outside.
For funsies, let me try and remember all the "bubbles" off the top of my head, plus when the characters were introduced
Ravenstar x Juniper Branch (Book 6)
Milkweed x Leaf (Book 5, Book 2, plus existing kits with an unknown mate)
Misty (Book 2; kits have no kits.)
Shadowkin: Tall, Moon, Sun (1, 1, 5, extinct)
Jackdaw's Cry x Hawk Swoop (extinct)
Turtle Tail x Tom the Wifebeater (endangered)
Riverstar x Finch Song (Book 1, super edition)
Wind Runner x Gorse Fur (Moth Flight and Dust Muzzle are born in book 3)
Willow Tail (introduced with a sibling in book 4; extinct)
Shaded Moss was the father of Rainswept Flower (extinct)
Fox and Petal were siblings (Petal raised Misty's children)
I forgot the name of Drizzle's mom and sibling (book 6)
I think there's also a cat called Apple Bottom Jeans or something in Thunderstar's Echo who has a litter, but I can't remember her mate without google. There were also some litters born in Riverstar's Home I can't remember. I barely remember the side books, were there any others born in Shadowstar's Life...?
Here's all the pairings in the Quiet Rainkin family, as contrast;
Quiet Rain x Unknown (4 kits)
Clear Sky x Bright Stream (Died pregnant; gave birth to 2 dead angel fetus children in heaven)
Clear Sky x Storm (Thunder was the only survivor of 3)
Clear Sky x Star Flower (two litters; the first was 3 iirc, the second unknown)
Jagged Peak x Holly (3 kits)
Gray Wing x Slate (3 kits iirc)
Thunder x Violet Dawn (4 kits)
So... bottom line is, something like 50% of births were coming out of the Quiet Rainkin family, and they account for something like 30% of cats with existing family at all.
Personally, I think that's awful in a prequel arc that's supposed to be about ancestors. So I'm going to be making whole families for BB.
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The Wizard Spite
(The Wizard, The Witch, And The Wild One Original Character)
The Wizard Spite, an illusionist of The Citadel.
When he chose his name cloak, it was not due to his feelings towards the world around him in the current, but more so to how he wanted to feel eventually.
An illusionist of the Citadel has little use outside of psychological warfare. But at the core of an illusion is creativity. If you can't imagine what you want to create, then your illusions have no substance. A Minor Illusion is the most basic of cantrips, and really only used to clean up minor details that you don't need to bother with. But only an illusionists would include shading
The Wizard Spite showed immense aptitude for learning and memorization. Being able to look at a page of incantations and see it clearly in his mind caused him to get noticed quickly. Passing the required tests, he began tracks to become a wizard. Though it was often noted that he would take notes on the Faunaloges more than the magic theory. His notebooks contained writings and minor sketches of people and objects. Their movements and idiosyncrasies, the clothes and light.
Spite assumed he had to be a wizard. It's something people of Citadel aspired to, and what his parents recommended to him. If he is able to, then he should. He didn't know what else he wanted to be either. So becoming a Wizard felt right.
When it came time for him to pick a specialization and track, he tried for Conjuration. He hoped that conjuring things would allow him to gain a better understanding of the mechanics of physiology. Though the magical theory around Conjuration ended up not being for him, and he was transferred over to an Illusionist track, one not sought out by many.
An illusionist has two goals when they are casting their spells.
1) To Deceive, Distract, and/or Entertain their target(s).
2) To Study, Analyze, and Observe their Target(s).
An illusion's effectiveness increases with knowledge of the target.
Spite knew how to watch people, when he was with his friends he found his mind wandering to how their mouths moved as they spoke, or how eyes move. Those subtle differences in how people react to things is what Spite was best at.
In the year he would get his Name Cloak, he initially was going to become The Wizard Scrutinize. Though he then found out exactly what Illusionist do in and outside the Citadel. Fear is a powerful tool, and is held in the Empire's hand. Not often are they called upon to do so, but sometimes a Wizard that has stepped to far out of line needs to have zipped lips. Enchanters and their abilities to Modify memories can only last so long. But the image of their world burning around them lasts forever.
He accidentally found this information out, though he wasn't as shaken as he might've thought he would be. After all, this is what he has been trained to do so far, and more yet to come. He knew this was right, wizards are defined by their secrets. If the Citadel let all Wizards and Soldiers speak so freely, then how quickly might everything crumble?
When he stood their and chose Spite as his Name Cloak, the meaning was not directed at the world around him, but at the person he would become. Hatred directed towards his future self for what he will do for his Empire.
The Wizard Spite lives alone, a man known for his bitterness more than anything else. Once a great artist and entertainer in his 20's, now a drained and bleak individual in his 50's.
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