#and a CD my dad made for my mom years ago

[eclipsedrawsthings]

Honestly at this point I feel like I’m morally obligated to cosplay Trucy Wright at some point, given the hilarious number of similarities I keep finding between Wrightworth and My Real Actual Parents In Real Life

[satellitespinner]

⁺₊❆⋆ ୨⎯ merry christmas, im not yours at all. merry christmas, please dont call. ⎯୧ ⁺₊❆⋆

pairings: ex!ellie x ex!oc/reader

synopsis: an involuntary trip back to your hometown brings back unwanted memories of the girl who broke your heart years before. when youre met with her unexpectedly, you have to decide wether or not to pursue her, or give her a taste of her own medicine. or maybe both.

wc: 6.7k (SMUT; ellie eats pussy then yall ✂️✂️.. angst, cheating, crying, slight comfort but no happy ending, reader is an offputting bitch who cries alot. joel and DINA mention!!!!!! the words and and you are used alot.. oc is shorter than ellie & has hair.)

MERRY CHRISTMAS DYKES IN MY PHONEEE !!! ilysm! im so excited to post this holy fucking shit shyt. interact i beg u. reblogs and comments are encouraged i loveee talking to you guys sm!!! 🫵🏼 come ttm and ill talk back! heavily inspired by my twin @coeurify !! i suggest you go read ttds 1 before reading this!

Christmas of freshman year Ellie bought you a bouquet of red and yellow flowers, you cried.

Christmas of sophomore year she burned you a cd with your shared playlist on it. She titled it ‘our songs” and you cried.

The next year she wrote you a song, it was truly beautiful. it made you cry.

Christmas of senior year was different. That year, your parents decided to use the break to visit universities and then stay at a nearby family member's house for the holiday. Before you left Ellie managed to gift you a shiny heart pendant with her initial carved onto the front and a picture of you two glued to the inside. you cried, hugged her, and told her you loved her.

The Christmas before you left for university Ellie broke up with you. This was the hardest you cried in five years.

So much for a Merry Christmas.

That was two years ago. you haven’t been back to your hometown since then, simply because you knew you couldn’t bear to face her. Going back to Jackson meant running into Ellie, and you weren’t ready for that.

until now, apparently.

your dearest mother had called you and told you that if you didn’t come back this year all your shit was going to the goodwill. Maybe Ellie wasn’t the only reason you avoided your hometown.

So here you were, driving the sickly long drive to the closest place to hell on earth. you had to stop four times because your tears were blurring your vision. when you were finally met with the “Welcome to Jackson” sign, you threw up in your mouth. your driveway mocked you as you sat in your car attempting to collect yourself. you contemplated turning around, driving back to campus and telling your mom to burn your stuff for all you care. But, you didn’t. it was late and you needed sleep. so you pulled your keys out of the ignition, grabbed your belongings and made your way to the front door. your parents greeted you with tights hugs and uncomfortable small talk.

“How’s school, sweetheart?” your mom asked, your dad sneaking off to bring your bags to your old bedroom. “its school.” you kept you answers curt. not trying to engage in useless conversation at this hour. your mom picked up on your exhaustion and excused you with a tight lipped smile. the second you entered your room you regretted the entire trip. she was everywhere. pictures of you kissing on your dresser, her hoodies in your closet and of course, her initial still around your neck, above your heart.

you walked around the room, your cheeks already wet with tears. you picked up a photo that you couldn’t bring yourself to throw out when it ended. it was you and ellie snuggled up on dina’s couch, taken by her of course. you both looked so peaceful. the photo began to blur as the tears really started to fall. your legs gave out underneath you, causing you to fall against the wall. it was like a scene from a movie, a pathetic one at that.

You couldn’t remember exactly when you had fallen asleep, but it was late. you woke up in a fetal position on the floor, with an old picture of you and Ellie held tightly to your chest. your poor back..

the morning was still, your parents were still sleeping when you woke up, something you were very much grateful for considering the amount of questions you knew were to come your way when they did finally wake up. you set the picture back in its place hesitantly.

the lower level of your house was cold, the cold floors hitting your feet woke you up as you made your way to the kitchen. almost immediately upon arrival you decided that your mothers coffee brand wouldn’t do. she always bought the gross nutmeg flavoured creamer.

coffee shop in town it is!

you always hated ben’s, the coffee was mediocre at best and priced at a whopping seven dollars, but it would suffice for today. at least until you could get to the grocery store. the walk was short, thank god. you grabbed your jacket and scarf from the hook and made your way out the door. you were surprised, but relieved that you hadn’t had the misfortune of running into anyone you used to know.

The cafe had a welcoming atmosphere that you knew all too well, yet grew to despise. you ended up hating most parts of this town, the tight knit community, the overpriced coffee, everything. then you left. in your final days of staying in jackson, it was like you were gasping for air. then finally after you had gone to university, you could breathe again.

“Is that who I think it is?!” the cashier beamed from their place behind the counter. you could recognize that voice anywhere. the voice of riley abel, a girl you had gone to school with. she was voted most likely to move far away after grad, how ironic.

‘Hey, riley. how are you?” you asked as you walked up to the counter, trying your absolute best to sound interested. you zoned out as she rambled on about her life.

you picked at your fingernails while she spoke, her voice a distant muffle. you didn’t want to be rude and tell her to shut up, but damn this girl couldn’t talk.

“Anyways, how are you? I feel like I haven't seen you in ages!” she smiled and you couldn’t meet her eyes. “I’m doing fine.” she took your awkward answer as a hint and switched the subject. small talk should be banned.

“So what can i get for you?” she asks, typing away at the ipad on the counter. you contemplated for a moment before answering. you skimmed the menu for the cheapest option that didn’t taste like shit.

“I’ll get a medium french vanilla, please.” you grab your phone from your pocket, opting for apple pay instead of cash. she gives you a small, forced smile. “your total is eight dollars and twenty-five cents. cash or card?” your eyes widen at the price. “card, please.” she nods and passes you the pin pad. you gently tap your phone on the top of it as she begins to make your coffee.

A few minutes pass before riley calls you back up to the counter. she handed you a small cup with your name written on the side, along with a small smiley face. you thanked her and smiled at her small act of kindness.

your walk home is longer, many of the places you used to frequent, bustling with people that you could recognize by face. you almost stopped a few times, pausing and staring into oblivion. you never had the guts to actually enter though.

when you arrived back home you parents were sitting around the dining table, your dad, fairly engaged in the newspaper greets you with a smile. your mother doesnt look up from her phone until you speak. “Saw riley at bennys.” she hums and looks you up and down, it was like no matter where you went there was some weird tension in the air.

“You couldn’t have made coffee at home?” she snarks, tipping her glasses off her nose. “Just wanted some fresh air.” you reply nervously, not wanting to be fighting with her already. clearly your attempts worked because she stopped there. you swallowed the lump in your throat and retreated to your room.

you weren't sure what you were going to occupy yourself for these two weeks, packing up all the shit you wanted wouldn't take more than a few hours. you contemplated just taking your belongings and going back but you knew your mom would disapprove with that idea.

you decided that the most worthwhile decision for now would be to resume your place in a current book you were reading, a silly romcom you were gifted by your roommate before you came home. at least until your mother asked you to help her bake some cookies, or run to target for some last minute christmas gifts.

six chapters in and you were finally starting to get into it when you get a text. a text from Dina, a close highschool friend. you tried to stay in contact after you left, but the relationship fizzled out into short happy birthdays, and merry christmases.

D-Dawg💘

Hey! i heard from riley that you're back for break, we all miss you.

You laugh at the corny name you assigned to her contact in high school, the name had blossomed after a drunk comment from jesse, comparing her to a dog simply because of her big brown eyes.

D-Dawg💘

were having a little get together tonight, if you’re up to it you should come by. you're always welcome.

you decided to ignore the message for now, you weren't really up for the whole forced small talk that came with seeing all your old friends again. as far as you knew they were all still hanging out, everyday, without you. instead you decided to resume your place in your book, hoping to find some sort of entertainment in it.

you’re in the middle of chapter twelve of your book, Wes and Liz had just gotten into an accident in the rain when your mom calls you down stairs. you trot down the stairs, phone in hand. when you arrive, you stick on the last step, the wooden floors still cold. you're greeted with your mother in her signature bird print apron.

“Did you wanna help me with the baking, or were you just gonna sulk in your room all break?” she asks. you clear your throat and step down the last step. you shove your phone into your hoodie pocket, “Yeah ill help, i’d love to.”

“Babe, get your damn fingers outa the cookie dough!” ellie laughs as she grabs your wrist, pulling you out of the batter. you had forced her into baking with you after you saw a stupid couples tiktok. “Relax, its just us eating them anyway.” you defend, you even noticed your precious girlfriend sneaking chocolate chips from the bowl once in a while.

“Yeah, well i don't play about my christmas cookies.” she puts her hands on her hips and glares at you jokingly. you giggle at her actions. “We can tell, fatty.” you joke, her eyes widen and her jaw drops. “What did you just say!?” her slack jaw turning into a toothy smile quickly.

“Nothin’ i didn't say nothin’” you laugh and turn back to shaping the cookies. she steps closer to you and places her hands on either sides of your hips. “Well, thats weird. cause’ I definitely heard something.” she starts moving her fingers in slow circles over your pj pants, her lips meeting your neck slowly.

“hell, ellie. why are you the horniest woman on the planet.” you drop your final cookie onto the tray and turn around to face her, her hands now moving to the sides of your face. “Not my fault I have the prettiest girlfriend ever.” she states, matter of factly. her lips now kissing your own, causing you to smile against her. you move your hands to the back of her neck, slowly twirling with the back of her hair. you both giggle against each others lips, “I love you” you whispered against her. “i love you too, baby.”

the soft moment was interrupted by the oven beeping, signaling it was time to finally bake the cookies. she pulls her hands off of your hips and reaches for the pan, nodding at you to open the oven. “Careful, don't burn yourself.” you open the oven door enough for her to slip the tray in without accidentally knocking her hand against the wall and giving herself third degree burns (again)

you both high five once the cookies were in the oven baking. “i think we make a pretty good team!” you say as you turn the tap on to wash the dough off your hands. “Hell yeah we do, baby!” ellie shouts, smacking your ass. you laugh loudly at her antics. “Ouch ellie!” you cry, pulling a towel off the counter to dry off your hands. she rolls her eyes at your exaggeration.

“Sorry, babe. want me to kiss it better?”

“Will you shut up?”

Baking cookies with your mother was a stressful, if not brutal experience. she was a bossy, nitpicky perfectionist. it was like you could never do anything right with her, everything had to be 100% perfect. she would argue that you weren't trying or you didn't care, but you did. if anything you cared too much.

“I told you to do it like this! not whatever you're doing.” she scolded and nearly ripped the bowl from your hands, demonstrating how she really wanted it done. you throw your hands in the air, “I am, fuck!” you whisper yelled in frustration. your mother abruptly dropped the bowl onto the counter. “Don't you swear at me!” she pointed her pointer finger in your face.

“Oh my god.” you mumbled under your breath. you brought two of your fingers to your temples and squeezed tightly, trying to calm yourself down. “What is your problem?!” your mother crossed her arms as she yelled. “I cant fucking- I cant do this! this is exhausting!” you quickly untied your apron and tossed it on the counter. throwing yourself up the stairs. your mother followed behind you.

“If I'm so exhausting then why don't you pack your shit and get out of my house, huh?!” she shouted, grabbing onto your arm, you pulled it away from her. “Because! you asked me to come! i thought we could've had a normal christmas for once!” by now you had salty tear drops racing down your cheeks, it wasn't pretty.

“well i shouldn't have. so that was my mistake.” she stops on the stairs when she says this. your heart stops for a moment when she says this. the tears come harder when you slam your door shut and lock it.

right now you felt like you were a teenager again, petty arguments with your mom is when you needed ellie the most, you would hop out your window and run to her house. she welcomed you with open arms and told you how much she loved you. she would hold you for hours and whisper praises into your ears while you cried.

But right now, at this moment you couldn't do that, because there was no more ellie.

After scream sobbing into your pillow like an angry child, you fell asleep.

you woke up with a throbbing headache and the need for water. you also woke up to a few unread messages from a few of your friends from highschool.

Jesseee

Hey, r u coming tn? dina said she invited u but u didn’t answer. We miss U

smartass (derogatory)

hi its abby! heard ur in town

smartass (derogatory)

we should hangout before you leave!

you sighed and glanced up at the time. 8:04pm. you had two options, go pack to sleep, or stay up and wallow in self pity. or-

D-Dawg💘

were having a little get together tonight, if you’re up to it you should come by. you're always welcome

hii dina, i’d love to see you! what time does it start? :)

D-Dawg💘

8! didnt think u were gonna reply! but def come by!

her reply came fairly quick. you glanced up at the time on your phone, 6;00. you could work with that. two hours to make sure you look good, just in case you see.. she who shall not be named. you pulled your suitcase out from under your bed. you rummaged for a few minutes until you were met with the one dress you brought with you because you knew your parents had some stupid family dinner planned for christmas day. the dress was modest, classy but not too fancy. next was your makeup makeup bag. you decided to keep your makeup simple too, so you looked good, but not like you were trying to look good.

you brought your makeup bag to the bathroom and started the shower. you usually tried to be quick with your showers considering you were using the only bathroom in the house. you let the warm water hit the back of your neck. for a while, you just sat. sat and stared at the wall. the longer you did this though, the higher your anxieties got. finally, after your neck started to burn from the water, you got on with your business, scrubbing your skin raw and washing your hair as quick as you could. you might be a little late..

after an hour and four almost-breakdowns you had gotten your hair to cooperate. you knew your makeup wouldn’t take long to get done so you before you started you checked your phone. no new notifications from anyone except dina, a simple follow up text of “it will be fun, i promise.” you debated asking her to confirm your fears of ellie’s attendance. maybe knowing would calm you just a bit.

Is she gonna be there?

please be honest.

D-Dawg 💘

she was invited, im not sure if she’ll show up though.

D-Dawg💘

Please don’t stress over this though. its been so long.

im aware, but its still scary

plus you’re all still friends. im not really part of

that anymore.

D-Dawg💘

maybe you guys could talk about it?

i can’t do that. you know i can’t

i will literally die.

likr

my life will end.

D-Dawg💘

sighs loudly…..

fine. but if she comes you

aren’t irish goodbying out my back door.

…

MAYBE.

see u soon -_-

you turned up your music and then shut off your phone, leaving it face down on the counter as you began your makeup. you gently hummed along with the lyrics as the soft brushes worked over your skin. the delicate touches reminding you of ellie’s gentle fingers tracing soft shapes into your cheeks as you slept in her arms. she was never scared to hold you, to tightly pull you into her body and keep you warm.

by the time you had finished your makeup and wiggled into your dress, it was 7:45. the drive to dinas wasn’t long and you didn't want to get there early and be left to awkwardly wait around for everyone else to arrive. so you decided to scroll on your phone to pass the time.

at 8:12 you pulled into dina’s driveway and immediately noticed the differences in her home. the christmas decorations were no longer over the top, and the driveway was shoveled neatly. dina had told you to just let yourself in when you arrived. your hand shook with anxiety as you reached the doorknob. you took one last deep breath and entered the house.

“Bitch, you’re unseasoned chicken.” are the first words you hear as you shut dinas door. you easily recognize jesses voice, throwing insults at abby over a heated card game.

“yikes.” you say, heads turn in your direction. you awkwardly laugh at the group reaction. “I told you she was coming, you dummies.” Dina shouted, her voice booming from the kitchen as she walked over to you, pulling you into a firm embrace.

you scanned the room for any sign of ellie. well, there were many things that could be considered signs of ellie around the house. like the homemade ornaments on dina’s tree. you had all had a sleepover one night in sophomore year and decided to create little hand painted ornaments for fun. ellie’s was a painting of the four of you as stick figures, yours and ellie’s had a big red heart painted over the top of their heads.

the memories flooded in as you stared down the tree, to anyone else this probably would’ve looked really weird, but your friends new. jesses voice interrupts your thoughts, you tore your eyes from the tree to look at him.

“she hasn’t shown up yet.”

and she never did.

Ellies absence didn't make the night any better, however. you hoped it would but it didn't. you were still bombarded with questions that you weren’t quite sure how to answer. dina had probably asked you about a thousand times to just talk to her! but you refused. you were not about to start up a conversation with your ex like nothing had happened between you two. especially when it was her shitty actions, not yours.

you didn't regret going but by the time it was time for you to leave you were happy to do so, your friends bargained with you to stay the night like the rest of them but you politely declined. you did promise to see then all properly before you headed back to campus, though. stating that a proper hangout was long overdue.

after you had said your goodbyes dina had offered to walk you out to your car, you told her you would be fine but she persisted.

“So, ellie texted me.” she slowed to a stop with her arms crossed. you sighed and turned around to face her, leaning your body against your car. “Do i even wanna know?” you roll your eyes. dina steps closer to you, joining you against the hood of your car. dina chuckles, trying to recall ellie’s exact words. “said she wanted to talk, she sounded apologetic” she looks up at you. scanning your face for any emotions.

“Dina-“

“Please, just listen.” she interrupts, “i miss my best friends, everyone misses you guys. nothings been the same since.” her voice going from firm and loud, to a shaky whisper. you sighed.

“I know, D. this is hard for me too. you’d think it would've gotten easier to be here, in this town but its not. i feel like i can’t breathe.” dina nods in understanding. you softly sniffle, the cold air makes your face tighten. the both of you stay silent for a while. dina knew there was more to be said, but she didn’t want to push you.

“I’m sorry.” dina looks back up at your face, her voice now held a panicked tone. you close your eyes, throwing up your hand in a worn out manner, “It’s fine-

“But its not! you’re my best fucking friend. and even though it felt like shit when you just- up and ghosted us, i understand why.” she she paused for a moment, moving her body from beside you to standing in front of you, mirroring you. “And i understand if you never wanna see ellie again, but i missed you so bad, so fucking bad.” at this point shes crying, fat tears run down her cheeks. you coo and bring her into your arms.

”oh dina, if anything i should be the one apologizing.” the shorter woman sobs into your shoulder. you both cried into each other like a cheesy soap opera. this was the one thing you missed about being in jackson. “i missed you so much”

The sound of your doorbell reverberated across your house, “ill get it!” you ran so fast to the door that you had tripped over your own feet a few times. you opened the door to reveal ellie and joel behind it. a small smile growing on her face when it was in fact you who opened the door and not your mother.

“You look pretty” she says as she walks in,you thank her with a small kiss on the cheek. “Merry Christmas!” you greet joel quickly before he retreats to the kitchen, probably to drink wine and gossip with your parents. “I like your sweater.” you look her up and down, gesturing to the wool sweater that adorned her figure.

“Oh thanks, My girlfriend got it for me!” she says sarcastically, you roll your eyes at her stupid joke. “Yeah, I know.” you grab her by the wrist and tug her up the stairs to your bedroom. you shuffled her into your room and quickly shut the door behind you.

“Would you care to see your gift?” you asked, in a pretend seductive voice. she nodded persistently and shot you a toothy grin. “Perfect!” you clap your hands together and open up your closet, retrieving a small red box with a big green ribbon wrapped around the top.

you couldn’t contain your excitement when you handed her the gift, your body was seen to be vibrating in its place. “C’mon, ellie! openitopenitopeni-“ you ramble, basically throwing the box at her. “Okay! Okay! Slow down, babe.” you both sit down on the bed, you place your arms on her shoulders. at this point you were seething in excitement.

“Holy fuck.. you didnt.” her eyes practically shoot out of her head, staring at the object in the box, a white envelope sticking out from underneath. she turns to you shocked.

“How did you even-” she grabs the walkman and few tapes out of the box. you shrug, “Antique stores are great places.” she puts the cassette into the device, the one that you were able to get your dad to burn your playlist into. the others being the smashing pumpkins and nirvana.

“Do you love it?” she doesnt answer, instead throwing herself onto you, holding you tightly. holding fistfuls of your sweater, your wrap your arms around her and kiss her forehead. “I knew you would!”

after fiddling with the foreign object for a few minutes ellie figures out how to turn it on and off, she passes you one of the wired headphones and slips the other into her own ear. The polices ‘Every breath you take’ begins playing into your singular headphone. ellie added it to your joined playlist because she swears its the song that plays every time she looks at you. How corny.

You two sit for a few moments, just listening to the lyrics.

I’ll be watching you

(every breath you take)

(every move you make)

you suddenly feel her looking at you, you turn your head to meet her gaze. her eyes were practically hearts, she looked so smitten. you smile at her and lay your head completely onto the bed and ellie sits up, careful to not disconnect the headphones from your ears. “what’re you doing?” you asked in a hushed tone. she shakes her head, “Just looking at you.” her face shifts from soft admiration to something different. then suddenly, her lips are slotted in between your own.

(every single day)

(every word you say)

she gently rubs her hand up and down your side as she moves her lips against yours, your hand making its way to the side of her face. you sighed into her mouth and gently moved your arm around to the back of her neck. your legs tangled together effortlessly when she pulls away from you. “I love you.” she whispers, you look up at her, your faces almost touching. “I love you too.” you almost moan when she dips her head back down to continue kissing you.

I’ll be watching you

That Christmas ended up being the night that you took each others virginity and tried to hide it from your nosy parents, who of course, noticed right away but didn't say anything.

Your mother and father left early in the morning to go see some of your extended family, you planned to go meet them later in the day so for now you were left by yourself to wait. you anxiety was high, but the hard part was almost over. after your dinner with your family you could shove all your things into your trunk and leave. you'd be back in the comfort of your apartment before December 26th.

For most of the afternoon you found yourself lazing around, watching movies that you've seen a thousand times before. you sigh to yourself, glancing over at the clock which reads 5:00. you decide to start getting ready.

you had just finished your makeup, your hair still tied up and your body clad in pajama when the doorbell rings. How strange you thought to yourself. who could possibly be showing up for your parents at 5pm on christmas day.

“I’m coming!” you shouted from the stairs, feet quickly moving down the steps. you probably should’ve looked through the peephole before ripping the door open because to your unpleasant surprise you were met with-

“Ellie?” your eyes widen at the sight before you. your ex girlfriend was outside your door with a bouquet of flowers and tears in her eyes.

“Hi- Hey.” she looks just as surprised as you. her green eyes wider than ever. she looked different, her usually half up, half down was now cut into a thinner mullet like haircut. you had tried avoiding any news of ellie since you moved, so her look was entirely new to you.

“What the fuck are you doing here.” you asked, your voice harsh but quiet. she looks at you in disbelief, “I- Dina told me to come see you.” she whispers. Of course she did.

“Why, Ellie.” you pause, crossing your arms. “I haven't spoken to you in almost three years, and now you're outside my door. Why?” she now looks disappointed with your reaction. she had partially hoped that you would throw yourself into her arms and tell her you missed her. but she knew that would never be.

“I messed up,” she looks down at her shoes, you clearly weren't having her half asses words. you sigh loudly. before you could shoo her away dhe interrupts you.

“I did you so dirty, and- i cant forgive myself for it. but youre the only person i've ever loved, truly.” she pleads with you unbeknownst to you, as your eyes stayed glued to the ground. “Would you please look at me-”

“I don't owe you anything ellie.” you snap, you did fulfill her request however, your eyes meeting her frantic ones. “i dont have to accept your stupid apology, why the fuck would i, ellie? what you did- what you did was so wrong. and i should hate you for it.” you slowly step out of the house, your angry pointer finger meeting her chest. tears threatening to spill from your eyes.

“and im sorry, im so fucking sorry, baby. i couldn't even live with myself after what happened.” her final words making the tears finally start to stream down your face. you hadn't expected her to admit that, especially not with you practically beating your fist into her chest. but she did.

she notices your tears and grabs you by your face, she holds you as your legs buckle beneath you, something she didn't do years prior on this exact day. something she shouldn't have had to do. “Im sorry.” she whispered into your hair. her flowers now long discarded, and you crying into her arms on your parents front porch.

“Are you fucking kidding me, Ellie?” you cried, your body tensing up after her heartbreaking confession, you peered at her through wet eyelashes. and she couldn't even look at you.

“I’m sorry.” she whispered, fingers fiddling with the rings adorning her hands, the hands that held you whenever you cried, the hands that had made you see heaven just nights prior.

“You're breaking up with me cause why? ellie. im still confused as to what the fuck is happening right now.” your expression is one of incredulity.

“baby, don't do this.” your eyes widen, you couldnt fucking believe her. “Do not baby me, ellie. you’re fucking breaking up with me right now because what? did you fuck her?” her head shoots up from her lap, her bottom lip wabbling between her teeth.

“No! i- we didn't, i would never-” you scoff, rolling your eyes at her actions. trying desperately to hide the fact that she had just broke your heart into a million pieces. “Do you love her?” you ask quietly, the question you had been avoiding since the beginning in fear of its answer.

“I dunno. i just-”

“youre breaking up with me to be with her ellie so you better know if you fuckin’ love her or not.” you spit, your words harsh, but in reality you were about to have a full blown panic attack.

“I do.” she admits. and suddenly your whole world comes crashing down, four years you had wasted just for her to leave you for a girl she met two weeks ago.

your tears became heavy and all of a sudden it was hard to breathe. your vision quickly blurred, your hands shook as you lifted your glass to your lips. and your headache was hard to deny, you needed to lay down.

Your ears rung, ellie still trying to justify her unlawful acts. all you could really hear were clusters of “im sorry, Not your fault-” you sobbed uncontrollably.

Fuck you, Fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou-

“are you two ready for your menus yet?” the waitress had came out of nowhere, a sweet girl who clearly had accidentally walked in to something she couldn't just ignore.

ellie kept her head down and you made eye contact with the waitress Ruth her name tag read, “No, actually. we’re done here. Well- I am. she might be waiting for someone else.” you point at ellie, and her head raises. you quickly stand up and begin to quickly shuffle your belongings into your purse.

you wished she at least had the decency to do this in the comfort of your own home, where you could kick her out if need be, but now the entire restaurant was watching as you ran out the door with snot dripping down your nose and mascara running from your eyes to your chest. You tuned out her inescapable voice and walked all the way home.

After a long, exhausting five minutes, ellie convinced you to let her take you inside and clean you up. she wiped the mascara off of your under eyes and kissed your forehead.

“Thanks.” you muttered. “Don't mention it.” she smiled, she placed the flowers on the counter beside where you sat. you examined them, a beautiful bouquet of red and yellow flowers, like the ones she had gotten you your first christmas together. you smile at the thought. remembering your innocent love.

“what are you smiling about? hm?” she asks, you look up at her, “just thinking, about us.” she inhales a sharp breath at that. “what could've been.” you finish, reaching for the flowers, holding them in your lap.

she walks over to you, your knees now touching the front of her jean thighs thighs. “or.. what can be?” she looks down at you, an overly hopeful look on her face.

“Ellie,” you sigh, you seemed to be doing that a lot today. “I cant just let you back in like that. i mean- when did you and Cat even break up?”

“last year, october.” you nod, swallowing whatever was in your throat. “i see.” the room filling with a heavy tension. your intense eye contact has you shifting on the counter.

“Will you kiss me?” you whisper, what the fuck were you doing? she opens her mouth slightly, before grabbing you by your waist. kissing you softly, before she realized what you wanted. you moaned at the contact, and she kissed you harder.

“fuck, okay, okayokay.” she stops for a moment, you look at her confused. “are you sure you wanna do this right now?.” you nod, profusely.

she moves her hands under your shirt, quickly lifting it off your body. “No bra?” she smirks, you roll your eyes. and reach for her own T-Shirt. you slipped it off with ease, unknowingly biting your lip at the sight before you.

she grabs you again, slotting her lips between your own, you wrap your legs around her waist.

“your room?” she whispers against you, “couch.” you confirm. Ellie drops you onto the cushions, you grab at your sweats, quickly lifting your hips to get them off. ellie, preoccupied with taking her own pants off.

“fuck, you’re beautiful.” she positions her body against yours, her lips trailing from behind your esr, all the way down to your lower stomach. small praises leaving your lips at her wet kisses.

she begins to move her lips towards your clit, sticking her tongue out and licking a dtrip over your underwear. “Ellie, please.” you whimper, hips bucking up into her face. she looks up at you and begins to slip your underwear off your body.

“Fuck, youre so wet.” she observed, moving her finger to play in between your folds. you eagerly bite your lip, her face admiring you from her position between your legs. you moan softly as she begins to eat you out, swirling small circles on your soft button. “Oh, ellie!” you whimpered, your body twitching against her mouth.

“ohmygod, baby.” she moans into you, slowly slipping s single finger in and out of your sopping hole, your moans growing increasingly loud, your eyes meet her own when you entangle your hand into her hair, pulling fightly at the back if her neck.

your back arches as she adds another finger, your release so close you can feel the sweat dripping down your back. “Im cuming! ellie, ellieellie!” you scream as she fucks you through your orgasm, her fingers slightly slowing down before she pulls them out.

you beckon her between your legs again when she lift your head from between your legs, she slots her legs between yours, slowly starting ti grind into you. “missed this pussy s’bad baby.” she groans as she continues to move her hips, speeding up as she pleases. “mhm,” you moan, greedily grinding back up into her, small whimpers starting to leave her throat at the feeling of your pussy on hers.

“Tell me you love me, ellie” you ask, your voice breathy. her head snaps down, looking down at you. her movements speed up as she looos at you.

“W-What?”

“Tell me you love me.” you bump your clit against her sweet spot and she moans. “I love you, fuck! so much, i love you soso much.” she could feel her orgasm creeping up on her, she speeds up her movements between your legs. your grab at her brests, pinching her nipples between your pointer and thumb. “you gonna come?” she bites her lip, nodding at your question.

“cum all over my pussy, please ellie.” you moan loudly, her fluid slowly leaking out of her and onto you. you quicken your hips, ellies lip finding home between her teeth until she suddenly falls into you, both of you moan when she untangled your legs.

“fuck.” she whispers, looking down at the mess that spread between the two of you, connecting you. you slowly lift yourself into a now sitting position. gingerly adjusting yourself so that you don't irritate your already sensitive nerves.

“so.” ellie starts, looking over at you, her eyes again filled with hope. you sigh quietly. “So, im gonna pee and you're gonna be gone by the time im done.” you state matter-of-factly as you stand up, slipping you oversized shirt back over your body. she shakes her head in confusion. “What?! But i thought-”

“you thought what, ellie? that i was just going to let you come back? you broke my fucking heart.” you can see her starting to tear up but you ignore the fact. instead slipping your underwear back on but discarding your pants.

“i told you it was a mistake! baby, i love you!” you scoff, your lips curling up into a smile, how fucking ridiculous.

“Listen to me ellie. Im going to go pee and you're going to go home. and then, tomorrow, im going to leave this fucking town forever and i swear to god you will never fucking see me again.” you argued, ellie still sitting there, with no clothes on. you didn't think she deserved your forgiveness. You felt guilty for denying her in such a vulnerable state but you convinced yourself that she deserved it.

you begin to walk up the stairs, you can hear her stand up from the couch and slip into her clothes once again. without turning around to face her you bid your final goodbyes,

“Tell your fiancée i said hi.”

unbeknownst to ellie, you had noticed the wedding band that shined around her left ring finger. that was when you decided not to let her back in.

[starlighttsv]

I’m not fine - p.b

Sum: R is struggling bad and Paige comes to the rescue

Warnings: bad mental health, depression, grief, talks of cancer

Notes: this is my first time writing like angst/sad stuff please tell me how it is and what to change 🙏 requested by @melpthatsme

Pair: paige x bsf!reader

Wc: 1.9k

It’s now been 9 days since your mom died, although it feels like it’s been a lifetime. Your mom was diagnosed with breast cancer about 2 years ago and 2 years ago she said she would fight to the end…and she did.

When you got the call that she wasn’t doing to great you immediately booked a plane ticket to Minnesota and left, forgetting to mention anything to your professors, Geno and CD, or any of your teammates including Paige.

You received calls and texts wondering where you were and what happened for days the only one that didn’t message for days was Paige - and that’s because she has your location.

When you didn’t respond to her 10 messages and 20 missed calls she knew something was up and checked your location to see you heading towards Minnesota, immediately knowing something was going on with your mom.

Paige thinking responsibly in this situation went and talked to Geno, telling him what she thinks is wrong and where she knows you went. Geno ended up giving you and her a week off telling her to find you, make sure you’re ok, and then to get you back home safely.

When Paige got to Minnesota that night she went to check your location while at the airport to see your step dad had texted Paige - basically telling her that your mom has an hour maybe two left and that she needs to get here as soon as she can because he’s worried about you.

That confirmed what Paige was thinking was happening and made her rush to the hospital getting there in around 35 minutes from Uber. When she walked in she went to the front desk telling them your moms name with them giving her directions to the room.

Walking into room 305 she saw your step dad leant against the wall with one of his arms crossed over his chest and the other covering his mouth, looking around she saw your older brother trying to comfort your guy’s kid siblings, and you laying on your moms hospital bed with your head on her chest holding onto her tightly, sleeping.

Your step dad noticed her first getting off the wall and walking towards her - bringing her into a hug “thank you for coming, im just- I know this is gonna hit her hard and that she’s gonna push us away. I feel like you’re the one she won’t be able to push away and if she does you’ll still be able to get to her.” he whispers to her while they both watch you sleep on your moms chest while she slowly plays with your hair

“How long has she been like this?” Paige asks him “I called her at around 11am she got here around 6:35pm so since then.” He replies sadly “she’s been just hanging out in the corner watching all of us but the doctor told us to start saying goodbyes a little bit ago. She decided to go last and she hasn’t moved since.”

Paige nods setting her suitcase that she filled for both of you knowing you weren’t thinking when you just up and left, by the door and carefully walked over to you and your mom

“Hey, mom” paige says to your mom as you guys grew up with each other so you call each other’s mothers mom. “hey Paige, how are you?” She replies weakly while still slowly playing with your hair “Been better, what about you?”

“Ohh you know, been better” she replies a little sarcastically chuckling a little bit, making Paige fake laugh a little with her eyes welling up with tears

“Oh Paige don’t cry, it’s ok! I promise!” Your mom try’s to backtrack “Its not ok. You don’t deserve this. This shouldn’t be how your story ends.” Paige says wiping the tears that escaped

Your mom didn’t say anything just opened her other arm for Paige, letting p hug her.

Your mom sadly passed about 25 minutes later with you waking up because you didn’t hear her heartbeat in your ear anymore.

Ever since you got home from the hospital you locked yourself in your room. You stayed laying sideways on your bed facing the wall for days without moving. The day of your mom’s funeral was probably the hardest day to get through, getting up from bed was painful because of you not moving around, standing made you dizzy because of the not eating, you also had a headache and stomach ache from not eating.

During the funeral it was like ‘the lights are all on but nobody’s home’ you were smiling and greeting everyone, having multiple conversations through out the day with different people, you also spoke at her funeral, you didn’t cry once. You stayed smiling through the whole day.

Until you weren’t.

Getting home from all of the funeral duties you guys did at around 8pm, everyone was tired and everyone was upset - but they all still noticed your behavior at the funeral and now.

“Hey why don’t we all watch a movie in the living room? I’ll make popcorn?” Your step dad say’s trying to keep you from going to your room without you noticing that’s what he’s doing.

Your siblings and Paige all agree but you don’t “I’m tired. I’m just gonna take a shower and head to bed.” You say starting to walk upstairs “hey wait up, I’ll go with you” paige says starting to walk closer to you “no it’s fine P, just watch the movie like you wanted. Im just going to sleep.” Paige looked like she was going to argue “P seriously, I’m fine. Im tired and I want to go to bed.” You say trying to convince her and yourself

Paige looked hesitant but ended up letting you walk upstairs with her sighing and turning around to go to the living room where all of your family went during that conversation

Your step dad looked at Paige in a way of asking if you were joining making her shake her head sadly and him sigh.

Since coming back home from the funeral, you went back to hiding. You locked yourself in your room laying bundled up in your blankets, you ignored everything and everyone. Your family and Paige knocked on your door multiple times a day either to try and get you out or to try and get you to eat something, but you just ignored them everyday.

It’s also now been more than a week meaning you and Paige were supposed to be back in Connecticut 3 days ago. Luckily Paige is your knight in shining armor right now and called Geno, telling him everything. He gave both of you another two weeks excusing both of you from any games that would take place in that time frame.

Paige has been talking through your door for the last 25 minutes trying to get you to open the door, no luck so far.

“Your dad went back to work today, said they couldn’t figure out how to do somethin. Your siblings also went back to school today, the school knows what happened so they’re offering counseling to them.” Paige says sitting against your door listening for any movement but sighing when she didn’t hear any “please open the door. Im worried about you.” She starts “remember when you first found out about her diagnosis? You came to me crying saying you didn’t want to lose her and that you were scared. Do you remember what I said?”

“I said that I would always be by your side, that I would never let you be alone. No matter what, and I’m gonna stick by that even if you’re trying to push me away. Your moms not in pain anymore I promise.” She continues before starting again “your mom wouldn’t want you to be locked up in your room over her. You and I both know that. please just open the door, you don’t even have to leave your room just let me come in there.” She says and try’s listening for movement again but gets disappointed all over again

Right when she was standing up from sitting against your door to go back to the living room, your door opens making her immediately turn around and look at you

You look disheveled. Your hairs messy, you have dark circles over your eyes with tear streaks still on your face, your eyes are red and puffy, your favorite hoodie is now a little baggy on you, and you look like your about pass out

Paige immediately walks closer to you and brings you into her chest, letting you lean all of your weight onto her. She has one hand holding your head to her chest and the other wrapped around the middle of your back while you have your arms wrapped around her waist

“You don’t have to go through this alone, You know that right? Paige mumbles into your hair with you staying quiet.

After a few moments of silence Paige feels something wet on her shirt already knowing that you’re crying, making her hug you tighter. That triggered the waterfall making you start sobbing into Paige’s shirt

“It’s ok, it’s ok. Let it out, it’s ok” paige says staring to rub your back and hold you tighter. “I can’t do this” you sob out “i can’t live without her”

“Shhh shh it’s gonna be ok. You’re never gonna be living without her, she’s always gonna be right next to you watching you and being your guardian angel I promise.” Paige say’s keeping up with her movements on rubbing your back and scratching your head

You don’t answer just cry a little bit louder. Your knees buckle under you but since Paige was holding you still she was able to catch you and decided to just help you sit on the ground so in case you do pass out you would be able to lay down.

She sits against the wall and has you sitting in between her legs still holding onto her waist, with her hands still in the same spots they were in before.

“Please stop trying to push me away. I wanna be here for you.” Paige mumbles into your hair, you just nod into her chest gripping the back of her shirt in your fists

Paige kept her promise and stuck by your side, helping you with everything. You needed groceries? She’s already driving to the store. You don’t have the energy to cook? She’s making it or she’s door dashing, depends really. You can’t get out of bed? She’s getting in your bed beside you and you guys are having a movie night sleepover. You don’t feel the best because of your depression? She’s drawing you a warm bath with a bath bomb, candles, and scents and making your favorite food while you’re in the bath. And so much more - paige has been your rock during this whole nightmare making it feel not as dark and difficult as it actually is.

You both have gone back to Connecticut, and you talked with Geno and CD when you got back with them requesting that you also see some type of councilor or therapist. After that the team decided to have a team night where you do anything and everything - wanting to show that they are in fact there for you and you don’t have to go through the grief process alone.

And eventually after some time you realized that on your own.

[topazy]

Teen spirit

Pairing: Carl Grimes × reader, Maggie Greene × sister reader

Warnings: Swearing

Chapter: 5.07

“Why can’t Maggie be in here?”

An older woman with auburn hair named Deanna smiles at you. She was in charge of Alexandria, and she would be deciding if your group would get to stay or not. You didn’t mind talking to her initially, but what made you uneasy was her videoing your conversation and not allowing your sister to sit in the room with you.

“I won't bite,” she smiles. “I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable; I just want to ask you a few questions.”

When your group first arrived in Alexandria, everyone was made to hand their weapons over, and now being asked personal questions... it felt intrusive. Deanna straightens out old-fashioned flora curtains before wiping her finger along her bookcase, which was fully stacked. She smudges the dust between her fingers, then turns to you and asks, “How long have you been out there?”

“Uh, I’m unsure. Two years maybe.”

She sits down in the chair across from you and asks, “How did you all find each other?”

“When someone got shot, they were brought to my family's farmhouse so my dad could help save them.”

She looks intrigued. “Is your father a doctor?”

“No, he was a veterinarian.”

“Smart man. I’m assuming because you’re referring to him in the past tense, he’s no longer with us.”

“I lost my daddy not long ago.”

“Have you lost anybody else?”

“I lost my big brother Shawn, mom, and cousin Arnold all on the same day. Walkers attacked them. My dad and sister were killed by people.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” she says, sounding sincere. “How old are you?”

“Fifteen.”

Deanna shakes her head and says, “You are far too young to have lost so much. I truly am sorry. So, as far as I’m aware, Rick is the leader of your group.”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“How do you think he does?”

You thought you could handle a few more questions, but tears began to swell. You didn’t like being asked anything because it brought everything you'd been through back. “Rick is a good person; everyone in our group is. We’re a family.”

—

Your group was given two large houses to stay in for now, but so far everyone has just gathered into one and is taking turns cleaning up. Being in the walled-off community felt like being in a TV show where the rich housewives live in the suburbs. The only thing you felt was normal was Daryl cutting open a possum while sitting on the porch. Your eyes widen when Rick walks outside; he has showered and shaved off his beard, making him look like a completely different person.

But then again, you looked different. After showing Rosita how to braid your hair, a nice blonde woman named Jesse dropped off some clean clothes for you to wear, along with toys for Judith.

“Has anyone been there yet?” You point to the house next door.

“I don’t think so,” Carl says, looking up at his dad. “Can we go check it out?”

Hesitantly, Rick agrees. “You can go look; just be quick and stick together.”

—

The house next door was nearly identical, aside from a few decorations. Growing up on a farm, you’d never dreamed of living in a modern home built like this. Carol had come with you to check it out; she was now leaning out of the kitchen window, talking to the people who live in the house next door.

When you hear a thumping noise coming from upstairs, you jump and grab Carl’s wrists. “Shit, sorry.” Feeling heat rush to your cheeks, you let go. “I’m just on edge.”

“It’s fine.” Carl offers you his hand. “I get it; I’m scared all the time too.”

He loosely holds onto your hand as you walk up the stairs, and when you reach the room, the noise is coming from Carl. He pulls out his knife and waits for you to do the same before pushing the door open. The room looks like a typical teenage hangout spot; the floor was covered in magazines, comics, CDs, and weirdly designed pillows with posters of bands you’ve never heard of before pinned to the walls.

“It’s weird, isn’t it?” Carl says, “These are probably things we would have been interested in if things were different.”

“Not me,” you sigh. “I would never have been allowed magazines with half-naked women on the cover. Shawn was grounded for two months when Maggie found a magazine with a woman wearing nothing but a bikini under his bed.”

Carl laughs while kicking a dusty blanket aside to see what’s underneath it. After a few moments of silence, he says, “You never talk about your brother much.”

A fleeting smile tugs at your lips. Being the youngest, Shawn completely doted on you, and as a child, you would follow him around like a shadow. He always had time for you. His death hit you so hard because you thought he would always be there to protect you, but he died trying to save your mom from walkers.

“Hey? You okay, you kind of zoned out there.”

Hearing Carl’s voice, you snap out of your thoughts and back to reality. “Yeah,” you say, smiling at him. “I was just thinking that my brother would have really liked you.”

—

You bite the insides of your cheeks to stop yourself from laughing. Judith looks so confused as an elderly couple. Natalie and Bob Miller fuss over her. It was clear there weren’t many kids around, and this was the first time anyone had seen a baby in years, so they were all excited to see Judith.

“Is that Jesse?” Carl asks quietly.

You look up and see his dad talking to her, “Yeah, she’s nice.”

“My dad seems to like her. He says we’re to go to her house later and meet her son, Ron.”

It was weird; the idea of being a normal teenager was starting to freak you out.

—

After showing you around his home, Ron led you and Carl up to his bedroom to introduce you to his friend Mikey and girlfriend Enid. You were still trying to wrap your head around the idea of returning to school in the afternoons, which was held in a garage, when Carl nudges you with his elbow to gain your attention.

“Sorry, what?”

Ron chuckles. “I said cool bracelet; where do you get it?”

“Em, Carl found them,” you mutter.

“Neat, kind of like a souvenir of the apocalypse.” He pushes his bedroom open. “Enid, Mikey, this is Carl and y/n.”

After an awkward introduction, Ron lists the different things that they do while hanging out, such as reading comics, playing video games, and playing pool. The fact they had electricity from solar panels was mind-blowing enough, but seeing all the stuff they had was leaving you speechless.

You smile at Enid as you sit on the edge of Ron's double bed, while Carol joins the other boys in playing video games. You thought it was a little bit in bad taste; they were playing a zombie video game, but don’t mind watching until a particular scene happens: one of the players finds a sword and begins decapitating the undead.

You and Carl exchange a look before you excuse yourself. “I gotta go; I need to help Maggie with something.”

—

Rick isn’t the slightest surprised when he enters Carl’s new bedroom and finds you in it as well. You were staring out the window in his room that overlooks the woods outside, watching as walkers gathered on the opposite side of the wall. While Carl lay on his bed, staring up at the ceiling.

Rick sits at the edge of the bed, asking, “How was Ron’s house?”

“What do you think of this place?” Carl asks him.

“Well, I think it seems nice.”

“Yeah, I like it here. I like the people, but they’re weak. And I don’t want us to get weak.”

The people here don’t have a clue what it’s like on the outside, and if the walkers broke through the wall, most of them would be dead in five minutes.

When Rick leaves, you go and sit on the floor with your back against the bed. You pick up one of the comics Carl found earlier, place it in your lap, and start to flip through. Feeling a tap on your shoulder, you look up and ask, “What?”

Carl looks as if he’s struggling to say something; after a moment, he swings his arm lower and links his fingers with yours.

[unholyverse]

waterparks // rock sound 25 icon issue

(full text under cut)

ROCK SOUND 25 ICON

WATERPARKS

WATERPARKS HAVE NEVER BEEN A BAND THAT ARE HAPPY TO SIT AROUND AND WAIT FOR SOMETHING TO HAPPEN, RELEASING FIVE STUDIO ALBUMS IN THE LAST SEVEN YEARS WHILE CONTINUING TO GROW THEIR INCREASINGLY AMBITIOUS LIVE SHOWS. AS THEY ACCEPT THEIR ROCK SOUND 25 ICON AWARD, FRONTMAN AWSTEN KNIGHT TALKS US THROUGH THE BEGINNINGS OF THE BAND IN HOUSTON, TEXAS AND WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS FOR THE TRIO.

WORDS: JAMES WILSON-TAYLOR PHOTOS: JAWN ROCHA

"NO MATTER WHAT, ALL THOSE ALL THOSE BANDS LIKE GOOD CHARLOTTE, GREEN DAY AND BLINK, THEY'RE STILL GOING TO BE IN THE BONES AND FOUNDATION OF WHAT WE'RE DOING."

Let's start at the beginning - what are your earliest musical memories?

Alright, so you can start the article with this - as I crawled out of my mother, my dad made sure the first song I ever heard was 'Wouldn't It Be Nice? by The Beach Boys. The other day somebody asked me what would be the last song I wanted to hear if I knew I was gonna die. I mean, I have death songs, don't get me wrong. I've got songs that I would choose to die to, some Death Cab and Motion City Soundtrack. But I think because I love bookends and I love like tying things together. I would have to listen to 'Wouldn't It Be Nice?'.

He took you to a lot of The Beach Boys shows when you were growing up too right?

I do remember those. It would always be on the Fourth of July. How were they always in Houston? He'd also be listening to stuff like Van Halen. My mom really liked Prince. My dad didn't like my mom's music; she liked Cat Stevens and Bob Dylan. But I remember watching TV getting dressed in the mornings, VH1 and MTV, and being so afraid of Mudvayne. They would film it at that frame rate that's the same as 28 Days Later and they had the devil makeup on. So I remember music scaring the shit out of me.

Do you remember the bands and music that you first connected with?

I heard 'Fat Lip' by Sum 41 on the radio in fourth grade. We were in my dad's Honda Civic and I was like 'What is this?' Then I saw it on TV later. Then that got me into Green Day, Good Charlotte, Blink-182. It helped that MTV actually played those things so I could find them. So that was the first stuff that I really gravitated towards in fourth, fifth, sixth grade. Then in sixth and seventh grade, that's when I started getting more into what nerds would be mad at me calling emo like My Chemical Romance, Fall Out Boy, From First To Last. A few years ago at my parents' house, I found these mix CDs and they had Linkin Park, Chronic Future, that song 'United States Of Whatever', Bowling For Soup. That's when I was buying stuff. Basically once I heard 'Fat Lip', I was just like, 'well, now I'm going to hear all of the songs like this'.

You were lucky to grow up at that time where this kind of music was more easy to discover because it was everywhere in pop culture. That is partly why those bands are still so influential.

I feel like no matter what, all those bands like Good Charlotte, Green Day and Blink, they're still going to be in the bones and foundation of what we're doing. I can still explore as much as I want with production and go do weird shit and try and push things forward as much as possible, because that should be your job as a musician, at least partially. But at the end of the day, the house was still built on that.

As you started playing in bands and playing shows yourself, what did you make of the local scene in Houston?

I started playing shows when I was 13. I've done my 10,000 hours. I remember when I was in seventh and eighth grade; there were some punk bands in the Houston scene that I remember seeing all the fucking time. I still have all these flyers still. But the vast majority, I'd say 85% of the bands, were mainly hardcore. That's mainly what the Houston scene was. So I remember my friends and I would just spend every day at local venues. When you're young, you absorb things better and you learn more. I think that's why when kids start piano when they're three, they can be prodigies, you know what I mean? But I feel like I got that with music that ultimately wouldn't help me very much in the future. I could still list 100 bands from Houston that those people have probably forgotten that they were in by this point. But we would just hang out and if a local band somehow didn't pull through, they would let us go take their spot. I was probably in eight different bands over the course of like three or four years. Whoever I was with, we would just go play the shows. We'd make some songs up, we played covers sometimes. We covered The Used and Motion City Soundtrack, Scary Kids Scaring Kids.

Your first couple of Waterparks' EPs were self- made and self-released, keeping in that DIY spirit. Yet it still felt like you were ambitious and aiming high even back then.

Can I tell you the difference between then and now? See, I don't advertise this information but I don't even listen to that much music now. I'm trying to be better about that and I've got certain friends that will give me stuff to immerse myself. But I've gotten maybe a little bit frustrated. There's so many times where I keep finding cool people on Tik Tok when I finally do go looking for new music, and I'll talk to them for a second and maybe see if they wanna open up for us on tour but they can't because so many fucking people are just quiet signed to major labels. It irritates the shit out of me and the reason they're hiding it is because everybody is so obsessed with authenticity, which they have the right to be, you want your shit to be organic, homegrown, free range, cruelty free, all that shit. But everything that I look at is just a fucking marketing trick or ploy. What is the equivalent of me just being in my fucking room at my parents' house?

"I FEEL MORE LOOSE AND I FEEL LIKE EVERY TOUR I GET BETTER AS A SINGER."

In terms of your attitude back then, you were just treating those self-releases as if you were already on a major label. It didn't feel less legit to you.

Day and night, you're working on those things. It was very real. We're about to get to the point of this conversation where we start trying to quantify success and what it means and it's intangible, we can't do it. But what I do know is you can easily get tricked and be like, 'Oh, my Tik Toks are getting millions of hits' and then draw 20 people to your show. I've seen it happen. So I just care how many people ride with you and will leave their home to come see you play. I don't care how many fucking playlists you bought, I don't care how many ads you run on your Spotify, I don't care if YouTube picked you up on their fucking algorithm - good for you because they've never done that for us - but I want to know how many people fuck with you.

With your own live show, when did you feel like it clicked for Geoff, Otto and yourself? When did you first feel like you understood what a Waterparks show should be?

Maybe 'Fandom'. I didn't start taking vocal lessons till 2021. I feel like that's the first time where I look back and it's not just us playing a song and then stopping and then playing the song and then stopping. It's where we actually built a show. That's when we had 'Double Dare 2019' and 'Entertainment 2019' where we were playing for eight minutes straight and made me feel like fucking Green Day. Like some like 'Jesus of Suburbia', 'Bullet In A Bible' type shit. That's not me saying I thought we sucked during 'Entertainment'. That's not what it is at all. We did cool shit. We did Reading & Leeds main stage on 'Entertainment'. But I just feel like things clicked more on 'Fandom'. I feel so much more comfortable onstage every single tour. I feel more loose and I feel like every tour I get better as a singer. I better not get fucking worse. As long as you're continuing to practice and improve. I need to go fucking play tennis and boxing and all this other shit to be at my best when we're touring, you know what I mean? As long as I'm not fully just lounging and then going straight to the stage, I should, in theory, be a better performer.

You mentioned Reading & Leeds, which was one of many milestone moments you've had in the UK. How do you reflect on your relationship with the fans over here?

I give the UK a lot of shit for their food and everything but truthfully, those are my favourite shows in the world. They've always given us the most love and I just feel like the UK appreciates bands more. You know what I mean? I wonder if it's because the BBC still plays guitars? Or maybe they just care about rock culture more.

So to jump back a little, when you were making 'Double Dare', what aims did you have? What was on your to-do list around that time?

I could tell you the list. A big bucket list. I don't erase things when I complete them, I just add on. (Looking through his computer) Let's see…I can tell you one of the things it says here is 'A Rock Sound cover'. I tried to fill it out as much as I could with the knowledge that I had because sometimes you don't know what goals you can ask for. You know what I mean? I put 'Have a Top 10 album' and then you get to mark that off. 'Headline Reading and Leeds', not marked off. 'Have a music video on TV. Get shirts in Hot Topic. Play a show with Kesha. Get an apartment. Get a music video with 100K views. Record an album.' I got to mark that one off. There's a ton. I think when you're making that, you also have to look big. You have to project and manifest big shit. When I was in my parents' house thinking about 'Crave' with $0 to my name, I was thinking about playing that in arenas. We hadn't played a show to more than 500 people at that point. So yeah, I think it's always just pretending you're Coldplay. That kind of doesn't change. I mean, I guess until you become Coldplay, and then you're like 'how do we be as big as God?'

“AT A CERTAIN POINT, THERE ARE THINGS THAT YOU DEAL WITH THAT THERAPISTS DON'T UNDERSTAND. SOMETIMES IT'S HARD TO ACCEPT THOSE THINGS."

You've been very fortunate to have some mentors help guide you towards those goals with Joel and Benji Madden and Mikey Way all there to give advice from early on.

So as we said earlier, we didn't have anyone in our corner when we were doing 'Airplane Conversations', 'Black Light' and writing 'Cluster'. Nobody was around; it was just us at home. Joel and Benji both reached out quickly after the other. They were the first people to ever give us the good shit. 'Hey, we see what you're doing. It's cool'. They were the first established people to ever reach out and give us props. I was babysitting and our fucking first label we had just signed with was like, 'Hey, what are you doing tomorrow?' I'm like, 'Oh, just probably babysitting, teaching guitar lessons'. And they're like, 'Well, do you want to come to Los Angeles and have lunch with Benji and Joel?' Then I'm hitting up Geoff and Otto and we come out and we talked about our goals. Fast-forward, they're like 'You want to do some co-writes?' I wanted to be a team player about it because back then especially, I was like 'nobody touches our shit, we don't get help from anybody, we are DIY'. I was so fucking close-minded punk about it. But when they heard all the demos, they went 'Oh, wait, you already have all these. Do you want to use these?' So that's 'Cluster'. That's when Mikey came through and was listening to us. He was always just so nice. He's like 'I'd love to play on it'. So I'm sitting there showing him the bass parts, and he's getting it fucking immediately. It was so weird. I felt like I could be arrested any second and just immediately sound like a crazy person. 'No, no, no, I was talking to My Chemical Romance and Good Charlotte's my friend'. At a certain point, there are things that you deal with that therapists don't understand. Sometimes it's hard to accept those things. Let's say I'm on a tour, which is already a scary thing. You're in a van, you're not fucking sleeping. You have no fucking money. Part of your team is trying to go back on the already shitty contract you have and you're getting fucking cheated on and you're doing just a bunch of crazy shit. You can't call a therapist for that shit. So I would talk to them, especially Joel. I would save those conversations, because I would have to go back to them so much. His time is valuable. It's almost like a cheat sheet in a way. It doesn't perfectly tie up all those bad things but those are probably the best answers I'm gonna get.

Let's talk about playing Warped Tour. You did it a few times in those early years and it must have been a pretty good learning process on how to grow your fanbase.

All 2016 we toured on 'Cluster'. 'Stupid For You' didn't come out until November that year. The reason I think I'm so good at marketing is because I had to do fucking all of it for four years straight. I was talking to somebody about this the other day where they were like, 'Oh man, if you guys ever opened for Taking Back Sunday, you'd fucking kill it. You'd get so many fans'. No, we wouldn't. And I can say this confidently, because I've promoted outside of three of their shows and I can tell you, those people did not like us. There's always the exception that proves the rule, but for the most part, I can tell you where we will and will not thrive because I've promoted to every fucking fan base. So Warped wasn't really different. Based on what shirts they were wearing at barricade or certain age ranges; I have a good meter of who will fuck with it and who will not. A Sleeping With Sirens fan would fucking love us, a Bayside fan would fucking hate us. You get what I mean? Paramore fans would fucking love us. An Alkaline Trio fan would fucking hate us. But the thing is, at Warped, you're kind of forced to exercise that muscle because all of those people are walking by. I wasn't shy on stage or anything but I think that could be one of the reasons I'm really good at crowd work. There's been a lot of bands we've toured with who say 'I don't know how you just talk to them for fucking five minutes between songs about different shit every night'. I don't know how you don't.

"IF IT'S NOT GOING UP AND GETTING BIGGER AND BETTER, I DON'T REALLY WANT TO DO IT."

Once you got to 'Fandom' and 'Greatest Hits', you were far more comfortable with experimenting musically and on the production side too. Did you feel a change in your confidence levels when you reached that era?

Confidence wise, yeah, but I think I'm too close to really see how big of a difference there is on certain things. I always wanted to be able to do 'Fandom' and even on the first EP with songs like 'Fantastic' or 'Silver', we are adding a weird synthy thing or vocal cuts. I was trying to explain that to this kid in the garage in the middle of fucking redneck nowhere woods, Texas. He just cut the voice and I'm like 'pitch it up and drag this one there'. Or bringing a weird, syncopated piano thing into the outro. I tried to make sure of that early on because I've always been such a fan of so many things. I just wanted that to come across even on album one. 'Crave' was a fully electronic thing, 'Territory' I wanted that to be an indie kind of vibe and then 'Mad All The Time' I wanted to be more industrial, kind of like Linkin Park with those weird, major melodies. 'Take Her To The Moon', full fucking pop song then throw 'Dizzy' in there with cut up shit and trappy drums. Then album two, we're gonna go fucking hard as hell with it on 'Tantrum'. I always felt like we were doing these things. But then I heard those albums the way I hear demos, where I think I hear kind of what they are in my head, what they could or should be. I remember when I showed the 'Fruit Roll Ups' demo to Travis (M. Riddle). He didn't really like it that much. It had all the same parts, all the same chords, vocals, the synth outro and the solo and all this stuff. But then when he heard the final one, where I went in with Zakk (Cervini, producer), and we beefed it up and added more stuff, he was like 'I love this one now so much'. But it's the same song. So when those first albums aren't seen as eclectic as the albums starting at 'Fandom', it would confuse me because I always felt like things were diverse. It really might just come down to the production.

One thing that certainly did change was how open you were in your lyrics. They were always honest but now they became a lot more specific over time.

Pete Wentz is my favourite lyricist and I love things just sounding as pretty as possible, trying to word things that people feel but in ways that they've never heard it described. You take a feeling like love, something that everybody fucking knows, and then just say it in a way with a combination of words that nobody has used yet. That was the goal for so long, but then I remember something kind of clicking when I was so mad and made 'Tantrum'. There was something that felt so much more cathartic. It actually gave me adrenaline and I wanted to chase that. That felt so good. There were certain songs like 'Reboot' or this demo called 'Play'. I wouldn't let a song go if it didn't give me chills. Certain lines like 'you're gonna be just like your mother', that's gonna make someone in real life so mad. So I think that's where that came from. Then songs like 'Turbulent' happened - 'you had your own Pete Wentz and Patrick combined' - and that's the start of the song. Are you kidding me? Who in the music sphere is going to hear that and not have some kind of reaction? And I just wanted a reaction. I could start 'Sleep Alone' and it doesn't have to elicit the same thing, but something as strong. They shouldn't elicit the same exact feeling, but they should elicit that dynamic level of emotional response.

“IF WE NEVER GET TO DO THIS AGAIN, I WANT TO GIVE THEM THE COOLEST SHIT POSSIBLE WHILE WE GET TO BE IN THIS SPOT."

As you mentioned earlier, it is hard to quantify success. A good example is the way 'I Miss Having Sex But At Least I Don't Wanna Die Anymore' became your most streamed song, largely due to a TikTok trend you had very little to do with.

I didn't even know it was happening. Now, there's so many viral songs that the cycle is quicker. Somebody can have a song that bangs on Tik Tok for two weeks and then it's done. But this was so early on. It wasn't a single; it was a deep cut song on the album. It still doesn't have a music video. Neither does 'Turbulent'. It's just so odd because it also makes you a little mad. But then it's also a little humbling in a way. Things are out of your control, but they'll be okay.

You are still touring your most recent album 'Intellectual Property' so it is probably too early to fully analyze it but, now that we are nearly a year on from its release, how are you reflecting on what you achieved with that record?

I've told you this before but if it's not going up and getting bigger and better, I don't really want to do it. I don't want to spin the tyres in fucking mud. If it's not happening, then I'm not gonna do the trap where things start downgrading and we have to play old albums. It's not what I want. I'm good enough at other things to figure something out but preserve that legacy. But 'Intellectual Property' charted higher than any of our fucking other albums, first Top 10 in the UK. We've sold more tickets to the 'Property' tour than the 'Fandom' tour and the 'See You In The Future' tour combined. I'll say that one more time - we sold more tickets to the 'Property' tour than the entire 'Fandom' tour and the entire 'Greatest Hits' tour if you put them both together and add them up. That's the indicator to me. That's what matters to me. I did say at the top of the cycle in such a simple way that I want one of the red songs above the green songs. That's literally what I told Fueled By Ramen. So that didn't happen because the Tik Tok lords did not mysteriously bless us in our sleep. We still sold more. We got more real people in real seats. More was accomplished and it was bigger and better.

It feels like you have the same aim with each tour too - growing and building on what came before. Yet, again, you have always had those bigger ambitions for the show even when you were in slightly smaller rooms.

Dress for the job you want. With all the rooms we did on the 'Property' tour, they're the same ones that we would do for 'Greatest Hits', right? So it's like, okay, we did it. We conquered those rooms. Now we have to move up. Shit. Because otherwise, you just keep doing victory laps forever in the same rooms. So some of them, there's no fucking chance in hell we're gonna sell these out. But it's cool to try. And the thing is, it's still selling on par with the 'Property' tour. Part of me is like, damn, I wish we could have as many sold out things but there are already more people going to this show than the previous sold out one. So I pick my battles. Yeah, you could go play to 1300 people in New York again or you could try and do the fucking big ass thing. So that's kind of where it's at now. You want to build a fucking real show. On the 'Property' tour, we actually got to build shit for the first time. We built a set and this time it is just a bigger version of that. It's just bigger and with more changes. It's not even a spoiler because that's so fucking vague, but to have the show and set change as the set goes on, it's fucking cool. Sometimes I see people who are doing these same size rooms (so this isn't remotely punching down, we're doing the same rooms) and they'll just have a banner. Give them more. Give them a show. I'm so grateful to actually get to be in these rooms finally that if we never get to do this again, I want to give them the coolest shit possible while we get to be in this spot.

"NO PART OF ME IS INTERESTED IN JUST REPEATING THE CYCLE OVER AND OVER AND OVER."

Speaking of bigger shows, you got to play in arenas for the first time when you supported My Chemical Romance. Given what a huge fan you are of that band, it must have felt quite surreal.

Dude, it was so weird and so cool. Every night, the first song scared the shit out of me and then you kind of get the rhythm of it. It's just so weird. Sometimes between songs, I just had to look and take a mental picture. I saw My Chem when I was younger in an arena and I could see the seats I was in, you know what I mean? I could see people in them. You get to a certain point where stuff doesn't blow your mind as much but that blew my fucking mind every day. I remember the first time we ever got to go in a bus. It was so exciting. Now, when I get in the bus, I'm like, 'Okay, but where's the charger in the bunk? Where's the air? Is it just gonna freeze my feet?' It's not to say I'm ungrateful it just becomes more normal. If you go to the best pizza spot every day, after years of having it, it's just a good pizza spot. But getting to go open for My Chem and everything around it and all the details of it, I just never got used to. We'd go to the catering room and we'd sit down and there's Frank and there's Ray. We were in this hockey arena in the locker room and I had all my outfits, planning them out, and at one point, Gerard came through. I was showing him the fits and everything and he was like, 'Oh, you have great style'. I don't think you can get used to that. It's crazy. Maybe My Chem is used to it because they've been playing arenas for years and years and years, maybe that's the standard now. But God, that blew my fucking mind every day.

As you start to think about wrapping up this era, what are the goals as you move forward?

I just want to go places that we haven't been because that's what makes me feel excited. Like with playing in an arena for the first time, anything that is a huge dynamic change. That's all I'm looking for. I just want to feel excited. The people who like us, I appreciate them because we're so lucky enough to be in a place where we don't have to tour into the fucking ground if we don't want to just to survive. No part of me is interested in touring into the ground this year. I feel like we've been on tour for the last two and a half years straight. 2022 was preparing for this album, 2023 was promoting this album. One thing I enjoyed about 2019 was that we only did a short opening run, early in the year, and then we did the 'Fandom' tour at the end of the year. But that whole spring, summer and fall, we were just making cool shit. That made me feel excited. We made so many music videos and just did a lot of cool shit. We got to focus on the creative. I never would have been throwing around Sunny D in my apartment bathroom taking pictures of it for the 'Fandom' album cover if I had jetlag. No part of me is interested in just repeating the cycle over and over and over. I want to just do things that we haven't done yet and make stuff for everyone. Because if we go play in Copenhagen, Waterparks is for Copenhagen that day. But when I'm home and we're operating at full mental capacity and everything, we can make things for everybody. At the end of the day, I never want to fall into a pattern and repeat myself and do the same shit. I want to expand and see what we can do, what our capabilities are like. Do something that somebody hasn't done yet. I want to rent a movie theatre and do a fucking real premiere. I don't want to give a bunch of shit away but there's a lot of things that are always in the works. As Awsten, the guy steering the ship on fucking Waterparks, whatever's going on I just want it to be new and cool and feel fulfilling. If we had some fucking tyrant label that was like 'We need an album now' I could go 'There's fucking 100 songs on here. Go fucking make your album, pick them. Go have Zakk mix them'. But it's just not what intuitively feels right and I want to follow that intuition. I keep looking back at the 2019 year map as kind of a blueprint. That's not to say I'm gonna stay home all year. But it's just gotta be new. I want that feeling of getting in the bus for the first time.

[aita-polls]

would I be the asshole if I told my parents I didn’t like the birthday present they got me?

it’s my birthday soon. I saw what they got me because they ran out of wrapping paper and didnt care to hide it at all. it’s in plain sight. It’s an empty plastic container. An actual empty box. It has drawers, but that’s about as fancy as it gets. They might’ve gotten it from Walmart. Happy birthday, have a plastic box? Seriously? Christmas was a few days ago, and they got my brother a nice and expensive gaming console. I think it’s $700? It’s an ASUS ROG ally. It’s definitely in the $500-$900 range. I got my entire family something. I handmade my mother a skirt, I gave my dad stuff for his tools. I gave my brother a little tool/keychain (he wanted cash but I don’t have my own money so my dad provided it.) I put in effort to think about what they would love. And they didn’t even give me everything off my list and got me empty plastic containers for my birthday. While my brother gets to have his $700 gaming console and extra. He normally gets expensive gaming stuff (like vr headset, gaming chair, monitors) and I normally get books and cheaper stuff (they’ve never got everything. They go over the price limit for my brother and under for me)

Money is NOT an issue for my family. They didn’t even get me everything on my Christmas list, which was probably a third of the price of the gaming console. I made it to fit the price limit my parents gave me ($200) including shipping and had links to everything. They got me half of the things. Most of the stuff was $10 and less, mostly cds. It’s not about the price or the quantity, it’s more that they just got me an actual empty box for my birthday instead of something that I would actually want or need. That’s not a gift. That is an empty box.

I just know if I say that I don’t like it they’ll yell at me for being an ungrateful spoiled brat, which is what happened last year when my mom got me a ladle. I only get one present for my birthday every year, so it was literally just the ladle. I cried this year when I saw the box, because I knew that my brother got a gaming console and games and money and I didn’t even get the cheapest thing on my list.

We tend to go on vacations this time of year, which is nice but always kinda sucks because they always yell at me for ruing the vacation (ex: last year I got really bad cramps and they yelled at me for wanting to stay at the hotel for one activity.) among other reasons, vacationing with them just kinda sucks. they also use these vacations as a reason to not give me anything, because oh we spent so much money on vacations. I’d understand that if money was an issue, but it isn’t. I never even get to pick the activities for the day. I just get to pick one restaurant. It especially sucks because I haven’t had a birthday party since I was nine. It’s just a day I dread. Idk if I do sound like a spoiled whiny brat but I’m really hurt over this. Like with the amount of hype my family was putting into it (I saw a cute shirt at the mall and my mom said that she would not buy me anything this trip because I already got a present) I thought it was going to be something special and cool. I wasn’t expecting a $700 gift, but a cd would’ve been nice. Especially since my brother gets a shiny new gaming console and I get an empty box. I’m not upset about the price or the amount of gifts but I’m upset about the effort. I handmade my mother a skirt and they got my brother an expensive gift, but I got an empty plastic container. I think getting the cds would’ve been cheaper.

would I be the asshole if I said I wanted something different?

[kavehpilled]

ALL of them.

OK SO YIU HATE ME

1. how many followers do you have?

somewhere around 1.7k i lost track a long time ago

2. whens the last time you went on a date?

june? its been so long ☹️

3. how many posts have you made?

WELL over 20k this account is 3 years old

4. what type of shoes do you wear?

white avia elevates or my blue converse

5. what color are the walls of your room?

cream at my moms, brown at my dads

6. where are you right now?

in english im about to pull the trigger

7. would you consider yourself good at art?

perchance…. i know im alright enough at it that people like my art and make it their pfp sometimes. i even have a mutual that printed a drawing i did of atsushi and put it on their wall💀

8. who was your first kiss?

you😛

9. do you still sleep with stuffed animals?

YEA LIKE 5 LMFAO

10. whats your favorite piece of clothing you own?

i have a really nice red cardigan that i basically live in at home

11. do you live in an urban, suburban, or rural area?

suburban all around i think i dont remember

12. whats your favorite store to shop at?

goodwill🫶

13. if you had to choose one POSITIVE word to describe yourself, what would it be?

gentle i think

14. do you collect anything?

classic novels! im restarting my collection of tiny bear figurines and friendship bracelets tho

15. whats the last thing you ate?

i had a banana applesauce like an hour ago :)

16. if you go to therapy, do you like your therapist?

i go once a month and shes nice! got me referrals for diagnoses so that was chill

17. whats one thing you want to buy, but dont have the money or resources to get it?

WRIOTHESLEY DOLL.

18. whos the first person you can think of?

you

19. how old were you when you found out santa wasnt real?

i think ~5? my cousin told me :(

20. if you could revive one tv show that has been cancelled, what would it be?

jjk bro pls revive and continue for me. i need satosugu to be happy

21. do you consider yourself a part of any alternative subculture?

i dont think so!

22. who was your childhood favorite music artist?

taylor swift or sir mix a lot

23. cds or record players?

despite my extensive cd collection i would say records

24. do you believe in any conspiracy theories?

i wish but i think too rationally for any of that

25. would you get back together with an ex if given the opportunity?

i think people always deserve a second chance and we are legitimate living proof of that, even if that concept like translates into relationships. im nowhere near ready for anything right now but if i ever got back together with ANYONE they would have to change a lot. i have hope in everyone tho

26. favorite kids show character?

kwazii from octonauts :)

27. is the person you call your best friend actually your best friend?

yeah!

28. when youre sad, do you prefer to listen to music to match your mood, or listen to happy music?

sad music all the way. i rarely cry so when im genuinely upset its nice to get it out to sad songs yk

29. whats the last outfit you wore?

im a chronic outfit repeater so. white turtleneck under a dark green sweater that has pumpkins all over it and dark brown cargo pants. ive worn this like 10 times

30. do you have any online friends?

YES alice ezra and skylia are the ones i talk to the most!! but i have a lot of mutuals i love interacting with ppl

31. least favorite clothing style that is currently popular?

those white fox hoodies make me carnally angry

32. how often do you do your laundry?

once a week at my dads, twice a week at my moms. its a weird system but i have more clothes at my moms currently

33. do you prefer silver or gold jewelry?

gold, silver makes me look sad and grungy

34. whats your book/movie/tv guilty pleasure?

i like reading cherry crush on webtoon when im bored💀🙏

35. if you could change your hair however you want, how would you change it?

id probably dye it to calico colors but im scared ill look like a goof

36. do you paint your nails?

sometimes! i did them blue like for a day and then i got bored. i pick at them too much so its like a little treat

37. whats an uncommon/specific/ obscure topic youre interested in?

vampire burial practices and eastern european rituals

38. whats the name of your first pet?

KITTY💀 he was an orange cat that got eaten by coyotes

39. whats one feature you would change on tumblr?

im not active enough to notice anything…

40. whats the most interesting item you own?

i think a tiny glass giraffe i love him

41. would you rather go on a date at a museum or a concert?

museum all the way i love intimacy with that kinda thing

42. whats one regret you have?

i could go into extensive detail about what i seriously regret in my life but i think my main one is not telling you enough before we split apart

[nnugatoryextravagance]

Fucking phenomenal news you guys I just gave my desk a makeover this is the best its looked in years

I might touch it up here and there later but god i fucking love covering my living space in all my little trinkets and doo-dads :]

Some snazzy little closeups if you please as well:

You got the felt plushie I made in my sped class, the vault boy bobble i stole from my mom's old lootcrate boxes, trans peacock flag i got from my boyfriend, old fancy coffee grinder i stole, a rayquaza macdonalds toy i got like probably 8-ish years ago, a plastic velociraptor on a tiny shopping cart that has a jar of chipmunk bones and a jar of glitter in it, a poochy amiibo, pipecleaner ufo i made, one of my most prized posessions (invader zim CDs), cool ass rock my new stepmom gave me and more, im living the life baby

[glennrheesdaughter]

Imagine it's Glenn's birthday, and you and your mom surprises him

It was the 11th of May and you and your mom were currently setting up a birthday party for your dad.

He and Maggie took you under their wings four years ago, and now you were ten.

You wanted to do something special for him, so you asked Auntie Mishonne to take you on a run to get something, and she happily agreed.

Then you asked your Uncle Daryl to distract Glenn for you and he again happily agreed. Right now he made Glenn go hunting with him. Carol was baking a cake, while the others set up, Uncle Abraham was keeping a eye out, as you put on a green sundress as your mom smiled." You look beautiful baby." She whispered. What she didn't know was Glenn's surprise was also hers.

Rick called you over and held a battery radio with a cd with a smile on his face. You smiled and thanked him." Oi! He is coming!" Abraham yelled as you all hid. Glenn opened the door as you all jumped up." Happy Birthday." Everyone yelled as Glenn jumped.

" How did you know it was my birthday?" Glenn asked." We looked at your birth certificate." Daryl answered." How did you get that?" He asked. " we have our ways." Daryl answered.

Rick nodded at you as you walked to your dad." Can I have this dance." You asked, as he smiled and took your hand. He gently took your waist as Rick pressed play.

Start song

'She ain't got my smile, that don't bother me a bit. She's got somebody else's eyes I'm seeing myself in. I'm holding onto every moment, God knows I've missed a few. The day we met, I knew I had some catching up to do.

She ain't my blood, ain't got my name. But if she did, I'd feel the same. I wasn't there for her first steps. But I ain't missed a ball game yet. And that ain't ever gonna change. I could never walk away. Yeah, she's my baby my whole world. She ain't my blood but she's my, she's my girl.

It hit me like a train, the first time she called me Dad. In a three stick figure picture with all of us holding hands. Her mama said." I understand if it's too soon for this." I didn't let her finish, I took it to the kitchen and I stuck it on the fridge, yeah.

She ain't my blood, ain't got my name. But if she did I'd feel the same. I wasn't there for her first steps. But I ain't missed a ball game yet. And that ain't ever gonna change. I could never walk away. Yeah, she's my baby and my whole world. She ain't my blood but she's my, she's my girl.

She's Saturday morning cartoons. She's." Hey can I sleep in your room?" She's bigger than the plans I had. She's making me a better man.

She ain't my blood, ain't got my name. But if she did I'd feel the same. I wasn't there for her first steps. But I ain't missed a ball game yet. And that ain't ever gonna change. I could never walk away. Yeah, she's my baby and my whole world. She ain't my blood but she's my, she's my girl."

Glenn dipped me as the song finished. He bent down and kissed my forehead. I stood up and grabbed a present." For you, Auntie Mishonne helped me." I smiled as he laughed.

" It's actually for you and Maggie." Maggie walked over as they opened the envelope. His eyes widened as he read the papers, as Maggie teared up." Their Adoption Papers. I want you to be my parents for real." I said, as I held a pen. Glenn let out a sob as he hugged me, Maggie joining.

Glenn gently took the pen and signed it as did Maggie, then Uncle Daryl took them and stamped it.

" Now it's legal." Daryl smiled as Glenn kissed my cheek. Carol walked over." Okay, Birthday Boy, Cake Time." Maggie picked me up and we headed for the table.

[rubbertplant]

I wish I had inherited my mom's record collection, but my parents gave it away many years ago when you couldn't get a record player anymore 💔

I only made an Excel list with artist and title to sort of keep track because I kept accidentally buying stuff twice or thinking I had already bought it but saw at home that I hadn't. I do have a Discogs account and I'm currently trying to add all my vinyls and some CDs I remember owning (they're scattered all over the house, I have literally no idea how many I have). I've only put 205 things on my list there (mostly newly released CDs or ones I got at concerts along with my most recent vinyls from the last two months) and my median collection value is already €2,365 apparently lol

Typing in the serial numbers of records takes some time, but it's fun to figure out what pressings you got! They're those long numbers usually found on the back of the outer or inner sleeve or in the middle of the vinyl and some even have a barcode you can scan, though sometimes misprints have the same serial number as the regular pressings from that year so comparing pictures may help

Another question for you: what are your favorite album covers?

- 🎅

I'm also hoping to inherit my dad's collection at some point lol. I don't know what kind of condition the vinyls are in though, as he didn't take very good care of his cds and dvds when I lived with him

hmmmm I don't think I have any ultimate favourite album covers that I can recall from the top of my head! looking through my collection, kraftwerk's computerwelt/computer world is great, I've made a stencil and patch of the heads as well. and in general kraftwerk visuals are very stylish

this edition of pet shop boys' very is cool as the casing is embossed with the text and bumps

I do also like aphex twin's funny faces!

[neon-in-the-night-time]

oh god memorial day weekend was so chaotic this year, everything was a clusterfuck. friday and saturday were so chaotic but i barely remember what happened then bc everything sunday overshadowed it wtf

family drama and rants after the cut… also a content warning for mentions of blood

my sister and i woke up at 7 am on friday in order to beat the traffic (we couldn’t go down thursday night like our parents and my mom’s older younger brother did bc my sister had a concert). i decided to take advantage of the house being empty of my parents to look in the “witchcraft shed” to see if my mother had hidden any of my possessions i didn’t know about (my mom in the last year has gone on a crusade against “witchcraft” and after i left for college she took anything she deemed witchcraft and shoved it in this shed so that the witchcraft wouldn’t be “tainting” her home) and a few things that i knew i didn’t take with me to college but were missing when i came home weren’t in the shed (most notably the giant 6 foot wide 4 foot long spider me and two of my friends built in high school that was meant to be aragog from h*rry potter that i keep not bc i like harry potter (🤢) anymore but because he’s a giant spider and i always take him with me to sleepaway camp to decorate the unit bc he adds ambiance and also the matching smaller spiders that i made that i hung from the rafters are gone too). but what i’m most mad that she hid in the shed is this little canvas painting of a corn snake that a camper made for me 3 years ago… that goes on my camper fanart wall! that was a gift! how dare she!

anyways me and my sister rescued the shit we wanted to rescue (including the cd of the live action little mermaid soundtrack) and we went on our merry way down to the shore. all was well, we didn’t run into any traffic on the way and we got dunks for breakfast. my mom’s youngest brother was also supposed to come down on friday, and he was supposed to drop off his 13yo daughter (my cousin) at his ex-wife’s house bc it’s supposed to be her weekend. my cousin is not happy with this seeing as she has spent the first 12 memorial day weekends of her life down the shore at our beachhouse with her dad’s side of the family and the last 3-4 years since the divorce it was always her dad’s turn during mdw. my cousin had been trying to convince her mom to come down so that she can come down too and spend the day with her cousins (mainly me my sister and our two cousins who are our age (19-21)) (there’s no one her age on our side of her family). this is unlikely as her mom has not been to our beachhouse in 7 years. my uncle is trying to communicate with my aunt (ik they’re divorced but she’s still my aunt in my head idk) and trying to coordinate dropping off my cousin with her but she is not responding. he ends up taking my cousin with him down the shore. my cousin keeps complaining to me and my sister that her mom would rather go do yoga that spend time with her. the gist we are getting from the cousin is that her mom does not want to have her that weekend for whatever reason and our cousin is not happy about it. she eventually comes down saturday afternoon (without telling any of the other adults apparently. just her daughter. which my uncle (her ex-husband) and my mom were not happy about). it was extremely awkward for everyone

i don’t remember if anything happened saturday. i’m almost positive something happened but i don’t remember after the chaos of sunday

so of course the day starts at 8 am to wake up and go to my parents’ new church that’s totally not a cult… it was whatever. i’ve been zoning out during church sermons since i was like 12 so i was a pro at this. i think up gay fanfiction during the entire time. on the way back to the beach house from church i sat in the backseat of the van (a spot that i have had claimed since middle school for whole-family car rides bc not only can i zone out whatever my parents and brother are arguing about this time but i get praise for how “selfless” i am for taking the backseat, which i suppose technically has a little less legroom than the other seats). we’re on the exit ramp from the garden state parkway to get back to [town redacted]. my parents are arguing, my brother is loudly complaining about something i guess, idk, i was reading fanfiction on my phone. i was not paying attention. i am, however, paying attention when my dad rear-ends the big pickup truck in front of us on the exit ramp, which is very crowded because it’s memorial day weekend. my mom starts to yell at my dad for being reckless. my dad steps out to talk to the guy in the pickup truck. luckily for us the truck isn’t damaged, just a small gash on the front of my mom’s minivan. my dad and the guy in the pickup dap each other up (or at least i am told that’s what the gesture was after trying to explain it to my cousin). my dad gets back in the car and we start driving back to the house. my brother starts yelling about something. i don’t remember what. my mom’s still chastising my dad for driving recklessly (the pickup stopped very suddenly it would’ve been hard for my dad to stop on time). my brother continues screaming as my parents ignore him. my mom declares that we’re having “quiet time”. k-love is playing faintly in the background. my brother is not happy that we’re still playing music during quiet time. my mom wins.

also on sunday my mom’s older sister and their dad (my poppop) are supposed to come for a day trip. now the thing you need to know about my poppop is he is very old. he has dementia and he has a large number of health problems. the backs of his hands and forearms (which are normally the color of a very tan italian-american) are speckled with black. i don’t actually know why this is. he has difficulty with walking, but refuses to use mobility aids. he also isn’t allowed to drive anymore, which is why he came with my aunt. his skin is apparently really really thin (this is relevant). the plan was initially for everyone to go out to lunch at this one seafood restaurant we always go to. usually we go saturday night when the most people are here, but poppop wanted to go, and because he has been going there for decades and is friends (?) with the owner, his kids were willing to indulge him. my aunt and my poppop get there while my mom’s older younger brother, his wife, and their two sons (the aforementioned cousins who are me and my sister’s age) are down at the beach. my sister and i text our cousins saying “hey pop’s here you guys wanna come back so we can go to [seafood restaurant]?” but no. apparently poppop and my aunt want to go to the beach first. also poppop wants to go to the restaurant for dinner. everyone except me and my mom seem fine with this. before he leaves for the beach, however, poppop asks my mom if there’s any beers. she’s trying to get out of getting him a beer. i’m not sure if she was genuinely concerned for his health or doing her weird “i am in this world but i am not of this world” judgey thing again. she asks if i can look in the outside fridges for pop. i do not pick up that she does not actually want me to get him a beer, however, i thought that my uncle’s beers that he had were in bottles and not cans so when i saw the beer can on it’s side i thought it was a soda can. “sorry pop, there’s no beers in there” “uncle [redacted] must have took them with him to the beach”. my dad gets him the beer, as he also did not pick up on the fact that my mom really did not want him having that beer (she ended up being right on this one tho given what happened)

it is agreed among poppop’s kids that we are going to show up at the restaurant exactly as it opens at 4 to put our names in so that we can get poppop back home to pennsylvania at a reasonable time bc he’s old and they’re worried about his health. there are 9 people going to the restaurant: me, my sister, my mom, my mom’s older younger brother and his family, my mom’s sister, and my poppop. my dad and brother are staying back bc my brother has a ton of allergies and is eating on his own, my mom’s youngest brother and his kid left in the morning. me, my sister, and the cousin that’s my sister’s age are sent on foot to put our name in and the other six come a little later in two cars. we put our name in, we get our table, all is well. we’re waiting for about 5-10 minutes and then our aunt (my mom’s sister) comes in. she tells us that poppop fell coming out of the car and he’s bleeding heavily from his head and also his knee. she says that poppop is insisting we don’t call an ambulance. my sister and i, who are first aid/for trained and certified, say abso-fucking-lutely not, especially at his age. we tell the server we’re forfeiting our table and we walk outside to see what’s happening. when we walk out we see my mom had the same idea as us bc she’s on the phone with 911. her siblings think she’s overreacting (she’s correct to do this). my older cousin (my age) and his dad are pressing paper towels against poppop’s head to stop the bleeding. the restaurant owner (who is friends/familiar with my poppop and is also very old) and his daughter and granddaughter (who run the restaurant) are outside too (this is where they got the paper towels) (they also got a large bag of ice but it wouldn’t help much in the situation). the police arrive, ems not long after. at some point my mom has me call my dad to update him on the situation. ems gets pop bandaged up and on a stretcher in the ambulance. my mom goes with him in the ambulance, and the adultier adults (my mom’s brother, sister, and her brother’s wife) follow in one of the cars. once my older cousin has washed his hands of the blood (biohazard), my mom has the four of us drive her van back home. our cousins’ mom gives us $40 for dinner.

we drive hack home, we give my dad another update, we eventually get dinner at this italian place on the boardwalk that used to have really good really cheap pizza but has kinda fell to the wayside recently and is hella expensive now but it’s possible for me to eat there with my gluten thing which is what really matters. poppop is in the hospital until 9ish at night, the adults are arguing whether he should stay the night in the hospital, stay the night at our beach house, or drive back to pennsylvania and spend the night at home. staying at the hospital would probably be best but he really doesnt want to and the hospital discharges him. by now the other adultier adults have agreed that my mom was right to call 911. it’s decided that poppop is going to stay the night at the shore, which is an issue because the fog is really thick and we’re on the second floor of the house so he’d have to go up the wet, outdoor stairs to get up here. also because with him and my aunt staying over, we are slightly over capacity when it comes to beds. when he gets there there is a team of about 5 people surrounding him making sure he doesn’t fall again coming up the steps. nobody can agree on the bed situation, nobody is happy, at some point somebody tries to convince my sister to sleep on the trundle bed. it’s a mess.

also the whole time all this is happening my parents and sister are arguing about my sister’s birthday/her birthday gifts and my mom is being all uppitty about the fact that she doesn’t drink alcohol

[frilly-interference-dazzling]

Who to Blame for Domino Death 🎃

My mom made me feel bad, also the 2 times she called my dad at work when he said to call the police, who wouldn't listen to me. Police usually get mad at fake accusations and can maybe arrest you or harass you. They took me to the mental hospital. I was dropped off there with my aunt, Joni, at age 16. It's not that nice, especially not for me. She kept approaching me and acting like I couldn't talk to her, or something. I'd been having problems with my parents and was being monitored in private. The problems were unspoken, maybe even then by me but understood. Anyway, I think she was upset when it seemed I almost threw a glass top of a table because she wouldn't leave me alone, probably not he first time. I've thrown and even broke things, like my CD's, but nothing bad on purpose, and this was in the New Orleans area. So, anyway, once I threw the remote control, which didn't seem very breakable and not too too hard, no special reason. I made a hole in my wall by accident once when upset, just punched it, didn't think anyone'd hear. They did. I know I had recently been to someone's spa in their home and they violently tried to suction off blackheads on my face and forehead. I think it damaged my brain some, I could feel in the front, though I thought tubes were forming there recently which sounds strange. I'd been posting online a lot, on the then IMDb Message Boards, which are now film|boards. So, from punching my wall that first time then, my mom was acting weird sorta, and I didn't even come out to see my parents those days, not even to eat. I know I also made holes in the wall in the living room. I put Alice in Wonderland (2010) posters up, like I'd have put up artwork I made, in the house. I had to come home from college, from being monitored in private. So, later things happened. My dad did weird things to the house, like painted it blue and yellow. He arranged his room where my mom worked in a way that irritated her. When I went to visit my grandma, my dad's mom, who lived with my aunt, Barb, my dad's younger sister, I wanted a laptop, which I needed, and my dad and aunt, Barb, and/or maybe, Joni, set it up on a little table or desk in her room. It was my mom's. My grandma put it down hard kinda. In those days, computers could be slower, or I guess laptops I mean if you were not that rich. My mom finally couldn't "make it" and couldn't stand it, as it must have slowed down, though she acted like it was okay. My grandma used to do other mean things, when I was monitored in private, but so did and do others. She seemed nicer later. She already wouldn't go along with the game, when I acted like that's all it was, which isn't that hard to come to for me but was to others there. I don't know, but I think my grandma did it on purpose. I think it helped, at least, give my mom cancer. Other people did it, too, of course, like letting her go after pretending they liked they hired and she probably worked a little teaching children exercise at the nice gym, sorta nice, in Orlando, Florida. My mom had to take my younger brother's dog out each morning and was tired, also took my younger brother to high school. He got the dog mad I went to bed too early to watch movies anymore, a few years ago. So, my dad got sick and died after my mom was sick and died, and my aunt, Barb, cared for my grandma, or her mom, and when she broke her hip around age 95 went to the nursing home and died not too long after, so it was like she was murdered, "telepathically." She didn't really approve of my dad, and her daughters, my aunts, didn't matter, anyway. I don't trust them, but I'm not "afraid" of them, at least not anymore than others or actively. It's not my fault, come for me. Also, I was mistreated, all along, being monitored in private. I know my mom worked hard for whatever incentive people do like they still exist to please my grandma, my dad's mom. She probably snapped or "broke" early on saying she made my dad fat. I wanted him to go exercise, my mom saying he wanted to be a banker and dad, rather than... (out of space)

[castle-dominion]

c3x13 knockdown

Ooh! A plot-heavy episode!

Raglan...

Ooh he changed his mind about self cide

Girl she is a cop

The things you notice, getting ready to kys, you notice

& that’s why you’re coming clean now? six months? (I wonder what happened in the AU that castle got sent to)

That’s cops for ya (I made it link by link, he says to beckett) it is Not Only her case, it is what happened AROUND it

Wow it’s already been a year since dick coonan? I mean ig... He did leave for the summer... Been 19 years

Oof this music is good. They spell it dominoes, interesting.

Oh gosh! Dang this guy dead! Where did the bullet hit him tho if it shot his coffee cup & got blood on beckett? (She just has ber radio on her?) One lincoln 40 you never actually repeated your last transmission

RM: An ex-cop gunned down in front of one of my own people. I’m going to have to do a press conference. Tell me you didn’t come down here without backup. (blurred in the background you can see ryan & esposito hear this & come over) KR: We were backing her, captain. JE: We were just uh, down the block when it happened. RM: Yeah uh-huh.  I like RM’s outfit today.  (won’t clip?) (Monty gets castle as HIS backup ten episodes later, not rly spoilers dw)

I love roy sm, I love his relationship with kate, I love how he’s another dad to her. You’re going to pick up those scissors & run around the house with them Pimoté, kaya pimpahta. Walk, don’t run. 

Yo that’s a cool hairspray thing. I remember playing games like that at camp, you had to go through a string maze without touching any & they were covered in glowstick goo so they could see if it got on you.  I love Ryan’s scarf & the way he says “You got it” all soft for kate. (also monty’s scarf) Castle sees it like this, right now, in this way. I just got a really intense memory while writing that. Hoo. I wish I had taken a pic tbh. (but didn’t he see coonan also die last year?) Girl you’re heading to the 12th? U got a change of clothes there? Wait why is it dark? I thought it was early morning & this was her morning workout & she met this guy in an hour... Maybe it was her I-just-got-home-from-work exercise.

Ah but you can see now it appears to be the next day with the dawn light & change in outfits Ryan plopping the box on the chair XD. Nice sweater too. Tho I’ve noticed he wears those a lot in future episodes.  (gathering clips after finishing s7: I love the progression of clothing style for all of them)

Gary McAllister, a cop buddy of John Raglan, the detective who worked Johanna’s case. JR was murdered today. Dick Coonan was a hired assassin to kill JB. it was 19 years ago, then JB was killed 12 years ago.  Raglan knows stuff & mcallister ALSO knows stuff & he’s keeping his mouth shut. 

Cops.

Mcallister mentions this guy tho. Vulcan Simmons, runs drug trade, got involved with Raglan.  (remember this guy for future seasons) If he’s this involved, why would mcallister point u to him?

KB: Nobody’s booked him in years. RC: What does that mean? He found religion? JE: He got smart. Started swimming in deeper waters KR, former narc pig: I guess he’s come a long way since washington heights.  KB: Wait what? Washington Heights? KR: Back in the day, Simmons used to run the drug trade in washington heights KB’s mom worked there trying to get drugs off the streets. Dick coonan was into dope, smuggling in heroin in the finance CDs. 

We’ll have him in the box by lunch<3

Ooh I don’t much like him but I actually really like him. Good voice on the man too. Ooh he’s good. she would have been about 16 last time he was here.  his outfits <3  He explains the interrogation Beckett, excuse yourself hun. (Remember when beckett told royce not to feed the animals?) Wow she’s mad.  Wow! She is Strong! & I love the boys coming to help her.  The firm “Stand down” from Esposito, the soft “beckett that’s enough” from ryan (clipping this)

Yes. She is off that case. Good on you Captain. You go home <3 RM: You too, castle.   RC: What did I do? (I love how he’s wearing chill clothes btw.) RM: As of this moment, you two are running point on raglan’s homicide. (JE & KR stand up. JE looks to KR in concern & KR does the same.) JE: Uh, captain, my partner & I don’t wish to be insubordinate, KR: But we respectfully decline the assignment.  RM: What does it say on my badge? JE: Captain, RM: Now read the fine print. It says get your ass out there & solve raglan’s murder before I bust you both back down to traffic.  (clipping this) KR, softly: Yes sir. JE, relaxed: Yes sir. (btw esposito’s shirt is neat today. Different than what he usually wears I think.) RM: You want to help her? Find that shooter. Solve the dang case.

Martha <3 I always say that rick & alexis is like my mom & me but martha & rick are also mum & me.  MR: You can’t charm your way out of a bullet. Heavy: I have yet to meet one that can outsmart bullet. Finally, castle is admitting it out loud! He loves her!

JE & KR doing detective work: KR: like a briefcase JE: Everyone in that lobby is carrying a briefcase KR: You should be a detective. (clip or nah?)

He touched the card tho! Not necessarily, it’s saturday, barely afternoon! (should I clip “why can’t we do a live one?” or no? probs no) My question is tho, what if she was holding her arm or smth, what if she smudged it, what if she had, like I said, her arms crossed so there were HER fingerprints as well?

Castle is so sweet. At least she has an apartment. Plucky sidekick? RC: I sneak back into the station wearing a hat.  & nobody but her ever opens that window?

Mom died 12 years ago, they started this stuff 19 years ago, & she went thru this case 9 years ago. 

Lmao I love this gal! She dated this guy craig for two weeks! What is even going on? I love seeing esposito & ryan sit there tired & awkward. Then ryan comments, “unbelievable” & esposito looks at him & whispers “ryan!” like “don’t encourage her mate!” (hm... won’t clip) (or I will ig) but there was only one fingerprint? Now all fingers, not a whole hand? I’m kinda shocked that ryan thought this up, it seems like a castle thing.

Wait weren’t those pictures double exposure? They wouldn’t be that pretty, they would have two layers to them... RC: I’ll go KB: Somehow lets him??? With his hat & soft shoes?

Hal Lockwood! Male, white, 32. Would have been 14 during the time raglan mentioned. 20 when JB died.  So wait, Lockwood is in the fingerprint database but has no record? Oh wait he’s only existed for two years. He’s checked into a suite with his credit card. Holy moly! These folks have their guns! I see, that’s how they find his stuff. Bullets & pictures & stuff.  Pictures of Beckett.

Montgomery is so sweet, he went to her home to tell her. KB: Sir we’ve got to let castle know. RM: He already does. He’s back at the 12th, I caught him in the men’s room poking around some files. You want to tell me about that? Roy is so sweet.  (he says no) (Hm... won’t clip)

Esposito looks so tired.  Anti-anxieties! Special Forces background coming into play. Are ppl really that aware of their heartbeats? That is so cool tbh... Weird tho how some guys would just,, buy drugs.  & ryan’s narc time coming into play too. Pill logos.  (won’t clip but ooh I love this, ryan drug moments)

This kid looks like some random college student selling his own prescription amphetamines (lisdexamfetamine, dextroamphetamine, etc) for profit to college students who need to study.  God, the amphetamines you put on this earth for people to run 40km/h are being used to look at spreadsheets faster. (Also, ryan is not wearing a tie today & esposito has a nice shirt that I would wear.) Pseudophedrine: Pseudoephedrine is a sympathomimetic drug of the phenethylamine and amphetamine chemical classes. It may be used as a nasal/sinus decongestant, as a stimulant, or as a wakefulness-promoting agent in higher doses. Wikipedia Triplicate prescriptions are usually done for drugs not to be sold commonly, stuff that you need to get filled within 3 days, hence triplicate.  CR: Those were just misunderstandings. I’m just a college student with my father’s lawyer on speed dial.  KR: Do you know why you’re here? CR, being a little b: No but I’m assuming it has something to do with class resentment. *turns to esposito* It must be a treat for you to interrogate above your station.  JE: *Smiles* KR: You’re here bc you sold these *holds up pills in bag* to him *holds up pic of lockwood* KR: But we’re not dope cops, Chad. These? We don’t care about. *pushes the bag to the side* Him? *moves it away from Chad’s reaching* KR: We want.  (this part was GOOD) (clipping for SURE) Oh, oh this part is also good. KR: Oh, chad, we’re not going to arrest you! [...] JE: I’m sure he’d love to meet a handsome young man of your station.  & the way that ryan is nodding his head along Where can they find some brooklyn blondie in her 30s? There are a million of em I swear!

KB: Go home RC: No <3 (meh won’t clip) Yes rick tell her that you care about her RC: Unless you count the chocolate one alexis gave me for my birthday I’m your plucky sidekick <3

Ok so in the alley where JB was killed, Bob Armen, an undercover FBI agent in the mafia was killed. The alley used to be a mob hangout.  Joe Pulgatti the mafia member pled guilty to killing Bob Armen.  Raglan was the arresting officer.  Pulgatti is in prison so they visited him, he pled guilty to get life instead of lethal injection.  Kidnapping went sideways. 3 guys in ski masks rolled up in a van to take Joe on a “tour of the city” & bobby went for one of their guns but ended up on the wrong side of it. (acab.) There was a truce between families bc pro kidnappers were nabbing guys from all five fams.  ghost crew Joe was in that alley but only him, bobby, & the kidnappers knew that.  How did raglan know? Raglan was a kidnapper.  Johanna was murdered there 7 years after JP’s incarceration.  (You look just like her, you know.) JB was the only one who wrote back to JP.  Joe, that’s most cops. Even if it is not, 10 people & 2 nazis makes 12 nazis. 

RM: We’ll talk about the definition of a direct order later. Beckett is pretty as always. (ryan no tie, I miss this, I’m so glad that s6 maybe s7 he starts undoing his ties) RC (NF) said “armand” not “armen” there.. Is esposito bisexual bc he’s wearing a shirt & a sweater & a jacket all layered Euh, knowing what happens later in the season is weird, I’m watching their facial expressions.  (girl imagine you’ve seen everything but s8) (What is going on with the file officer names tho? remember that.)

It’s like brackenreid. He put someone in jail bc they deserved to be in jail, but he put them in jail for the wrong thing.  & in some ways I agree with him, the law is not the be-all-end-all of what is right, but you’re a cop & you don’t get to make that choice.  (The broken mirror still there XD) Who? Somebody you’ll never touch?

You woke the dragon? What is going on? He is afraid of someone & it is not a cop. it really IS so much bigger than you realize

Love her nails, just the slightest painting of pink.  Set design update: backett is across from Wallis. To her right is Messina.

Found Jolene! But what if she was a young looking 41 or an old looking 29? You guys take Jolene Anders & we’ll take Granger. why don’t they show the pics to chad? Since I know how this goes I have to ask, what would happen if they switched? They took the wrong people.  (I love ryan’s jacket) Poor ryan, esposito never lets him drive.  & there’s lockwood, already watching them! He broke the law just there tho. He went into driving without using his signal light. I know he’s like a murderer or smth but I’m pissed about the traffic violation. 

Ok so Jolene Granger is dead. (meaning: why was He so concerned when rysposito visited the OTHER girl?) Yk I don’t like how everyone has guns everywhere, people should hash things out the old fashioned way: fists & feet. However: castle should be a private citizen who owns a gun. 

No is that a bomb? Is this the part with the gifs I’ve seen with the burning building?  I can’t tell who yelled “cover your ears” bc the boys have similar voices, at least when they are yelling like that. Probs esposito tho (Meh I don’t think I’ll clip)

Oh phew it’s a flashbang.  Tho, as someone who is already partially deaf, it has helped me to realize just how scary a flashbang is. You cannot rely on your ears when your eyes are out of commission, you cannot rely on your eyes when your ears are down... Plus, a flashbang is not just a flash & a bang, it is also a slap. It hits you physically, so if hellen keller was hit by a flashbang she would still notice the blast. Plus, flashbangs can get really hot. 

Girl when would you find a cell phone bill just sitting around in her house? She probably shredded it or put it in a secure documents folder. 

(These parts are already clipped on youtube, I probs don’t need to clip) I love how as soon as the bags are lifted, esposito starts trying to get out.  wdym u don’t know how they found your place? They were chasing Jolene. The wrong jolene even. Was it just coincidence they ended up in the same place that lockwood lived? Casually dumping bags of ice in, it reminds me of the princess bride.  Um b’y we don’t know much of anything.  Also, that is not a lot of ice compared to that much water. Esposito just looking around, seeing all the little things, noticing, trying to think his way out.  Respect? Ok bestie.  Oh holy crap the lighting, this is great. It puts the fear of god into their faces, mostly ryan’s.  Bud I notice he’s talking to esposito the most. One pro to another. Brain singular. I like how at least he promises a bullet to the head instead of lying about freedom.  Lockwood has surprisingly light eyes.  KR: *looks to esposito* JE: I have to go with option B (the torture option ig) KR: Oh yeah. We’re definitely going to jerk you around. (That’s the confidence I love.) btw when you have two options, you always have five. Apples or oranges? 1- apple, 2- orange, 3- both, 4- neither, 5- peaches. 

& smash cut to dunking this soaking wet man into water. & he struggles without even holding his breath? idk I’ve never been tortured like this. It was probably too fast for him to take a real breath so he accidentally inhaled some water so he had to breathe out to get rid of the water, which just so happened to also get rid of air. Again, idk, I’ve never been tortured.  Did he choose ryan bc esposito was the one looking around noticing things & trying to get up as soon as the hood was off? Did he choose ryan bc ryan made the jerk you around comment? Did he choose ryan bc he knew esposito had been trained in this?

Poor ryan, not only is he being tortured but his clothes are wet too. Dang they had to frickin tie esposito up sexual style bc he was too strong & would have broken out to save his partner by now KR, once he’s out of the water again: Listen ass-clown, I was in catholic school for 12 years. Hell they used to do this to me for talking in cla- *dunks him underwater* BRUH WHY IS THAT SO ACCURATE. (& I mean, the writers really missed an opportunity. If he was queer in catholic school, like me, then he has definitely experienced this kind of torture.) & this is almost as much torture for esposito as it is for ryan.  But like how much do the cops really know? Would you be giving away your hand if you told them? Except they would kill you right after so this is the only way to survive. 

So lockwood is here, he has someone holding back esposito, he has someone dunking ryan, & he has a guard out front. That is an amount of people.  Going to be cold/sick looking for a place to stay? Or drunk walking down the street, that works too.  I like how she keeps her tone of voice as if she’s drunk bc he might not be able to hear her words but he can hear the tones. Or maybe that’s a deaf person thing & other ppl don’t experience what I do. Oh finally they kiss! (def already clipped on yt)

Ah yes, sometimes they remove frames from action shots to make them appear faster. Why did she turn around tho? RC: That was amazing RC: The way you knocked him out (not the kiss teehee) Man the way he touched his face. I remember my first kiss. I could feel my lips tingling. I thought that was just in stories, I thought it was an exaggeration.

KR: *in the water* (gasp! in the water!) JE: OK! KR, now released: Don’t tell this jackhole anything! JE: Sorry bro, I can’t watch this.  JE: You’re too late.  JE: The cops already know all about me & your mom EYOOOOOO (that was SO good) (clipping at LEAST this little bit, bc surely there is other stuff on youtube, I’ve seen it before) KR: *laughing on the side*  (JE smiles over at him) HL: Shoot out one of his kneecaps BRO THAT’S A HECK OF A PUNISHMENT FOR A YO MAMA JOKE. & then this is where esposito starts fighting again. That’s the power of friendship. (the same kind of friendship historians talk about when two women live together & only have one bed.)

My momma has been through many an active shoter drill. Benefit of working at an airport. Plaster walls do nothing. 

Bro almost shot esposito when he went down! (too short to clip) Beckett would have been shot by now, esp if this guy is a sharpshooter.  Oh there we go. Now he’s taking his aim. Taking aim instead of shooting fast, I see the difference.  Castle just beating this guy up! Yeah bro! KB: You ok? RC: Huh? KB: *looks at the hand he has still balled into a fist* RC: Never better (clipping this)

Ok so now we’re seeing castle’s hand get wrapped up but nothing about mr I-just-got-choked-with-a-rope & mr I-just-got-repeatedly-thrust-into-an-ice-bath? Why does the paramedic tie it up then rick unties it?? Was it so beckett could tie it back up for him? Oh there it is: RC: How are ryan & esposito KB: Hm, mild hypothermia & wounded pride. Girl I think it would be a bit more than that. & in the psychological sense definitely not good. Hypothermia, probably some lungs-being-sad disease from possibly getting ice in there, bruising from being choked like a dog, hearing damage, ocular damage, & burns or bruises from the flash-bangs? KB: Guess which one will heal first? OMG THE FIRST “ALWAYS” I love rick’s little smile & his eyes like that. ^-^ (don’t need to clip)

Did any of lockwood’s accomplices survive?

Oh he is not legally hal lockwood!  it’s like I’m their favourite schoolteacher Reference back to the start! Like the ghosts that visit scrooge!

Beckett used to be a unique character with a pixie cut, then with emo midlength hair (well it was 2009 ish) but now she looks boring. Just like any other white woman on instagram. She is indistinguishable from Addison from quantam leap. They both are just So Nondescript! Let beckett be normal again! Let her be cool again! Let her have a unique hairstyle! (but ig in 2009 she was ALSO nondescript & had the same hair as everyone else)

Surprisingly not a lot of clips I want to get. I mean I want to clip everything so I used a filter but maybe that filter took too much. 

[crimsun-n-clover]

psychiatrist gave me a new sleep aim to ward off the batshit violent nightmares of everyone i love dying

thanks i guess

i went out of town with my mom today. drove a little over an hour to a major city to walk around the shops and little gimmicky places. got some dnd shit from a nerd store while mom stared at the miniatures with apprehension (“stevie do you really need these” “yeah they go on the board and are good for battles” “you said yourself that your players suck” “okay MAYBE it’s for me”). didn’t buy any of the fancy dice sets i wanted or anything. i showed the restraint of a goddamn nun. i did get more tacky biker rings though so i guess it balances out.

fell in love with a stray cat there. named him judas because i was listening to judas priest. i miss him.

i spent the rest of the day listening to the fellowship of the ring as an audiobook. i love sam gamgee so fuckin much. “mr frodo sir this fucking sucks can we get drunk” “oh my lovely and faithful sam. no. i wanna put my life at risk.” “shit alright i guess i’ll shield you from the scary ass horses or whatever” like sam and frodo are the epitome of “could you do it,,, for m e?”

sam is a fucking simp and i love him more than i love my own fucking family because they’re straight republicans and not hopelessly devoted homosexual gardeners. i’m a (formerly) hopelessly devoted homosexual and i wanted to be a botanist for a couple years there so i could be a gardener if i didn’t hate the sun so much. he’s just like me <3

“sam we can’t go in there that old bastard set his dogs on me thirty years ago” and pippen goes “nahhhh you’ll be fine :)” and my man sam is like “i’ll fucking kill him mr frodo i don’t care how long ago it was”

frodo is so fucking blorbo. he’s my special little guy. my babygirl. my sopping wet cat in the rain. my scrunkly scrimble doo. i want to wrap him in a nice cotton blanket and gnaw on it like a soft taco. i want to watch him spin around in a microwave. i want to shake him like a snow globe. i am so normal.

i swear i had actual shit to talk about. uhhhh

if i get asked one more time “did you MAKE your jacket” “do you even listen to those bands” or the ever irritating “name three songs” i’m gonna maul someone. like nah jennifer i walked into the punk and metal store and said make me look like a threat to humanity and also a total loser at the same time. like fucking OBVIOUSLY i made it. it’s a battle jacket. have you people ever met someone with an interest in music?? i didn’t give someone a list of bands and tell them to go ham and put shit on crooked. i sat on the floor until five in the goddamn morning with a bag of patches i picked up from my patch dealer (he’s in his 40’s at least and had to move back in with his parents. he has met every member of megadeth and talked to dio before he died. he’s so strange and he even gives me a discount for being so amusing he’s pretty rad) and stabbed my hands until they bled.

i know that’s something petty to get annoyed with but hey man, just because i’m not an old bald dude who goes “YEAHHH SLAYER” at every show doesn’t mean i’m not part of that community. it’s like because i’m feminine looking and young they assume i’m trying to be quirky and different or something. nah dude i’m just actually fucked up.

“your parents must have good taste in music little lady” my mom listens mainly to country, is an ed sheeran super fan, and thinks that those shitty motivational songs are her anthems for putting up with her autistic asshole child. my dad heard me listening to misfits and goes “this guy sounds JUST like danzig” and i was like “i know????” and we looked at each other for a minute before i had to explain to him that danzig was IN misfits. i also was stealing his cds and found FOUR FUCKING NICKELBACK ALBUMS. so nah man i’m just a fuckin freak. a complete oddity. a deviant of my bloodline.

i don’t know how to end this i’m getting woozy with my meds so farewell tumblr i shall see you past daybreak tomorrow

[acatwithmanyfandoms]

my mom made me emo and my dad got me into the superwholock fandom

[missmaywemeetagain]

Oh, y’all, I was hoping to get Part 2 of Pink Scarf out today, but instead I’m all up in my feels and wrote a stupidly long post about EP to mark this 45th year of his passing…I’m sharing it here because it seems the best place to do so.

45 years ago today, the world lost an icon. Elvis Presley’s early death, at just 42, shocked millions. Elvis was more than just an entertainer; he is a facet of American culture and history, changing the landscape of both and paving the way for many artists after him.

I’m so grateful that I’ve been able to reconnect with and rekindle my love for Elvis this summer. For a lot of reasons, this season of my life has been very challenging and uncertain, and in June, I was at the height of emotions related to all of it. It feels serendipitous that it was also the moment I discovered there was an Elvis movie coming out, and thus began my deep dive into the trove of information related to him and the movie. This has been a welcome distraction and fuel for my other passions of music and writing. It may seem silly to some, but I find him endlessly fascinating—a one of a kind charismatic, talented, beautiful, tragic, and tremendously flawed human.

My dad loved Elvis, and I will forever cherish being able to share that love with him and my mom. I have so many fun memories of watching his concerts with them and listening to Elvis CDs blasting at full volume in the middle of the night when my dad would go on an Elvis kick. That kind of joy and fun is contagious! It bonds you.

This week is one of strong emotions. I find it strangely fitting that Dad died almost 35 years to the day after Elvis and exactly 54 years after EP’s mother, Gladys. Honestly, I hope they are all out there somewhere in the ether having a good time together! Regardless, while I feel deep sadness this week, there is also the celebration and homage of lives that made a profound impact on others (albeit on a different scale!).

I know that EP struggled a lot in those last years with his purpose, thinking that no one would remember him or wondering if he’d done anything of any value in his life. To me (and millions of fans with more fervor than mine), I ultimately think that Elvis brings people together through music and his beautiful and tragic life story. He makes us feel. That was, and continues to be, his superpower, and why, 45 years after his death, his otherworldly magnetism is still drawing in new generations of fans.

I will always be tremendously frustrated with the sensationalist way his death was treated and how it affected his legacy. Finally, after 45 years, some light has been shed on the subject—Elvis did not die of a drug overdose or even simply from complications from prescription drug use. He was very, very ill, and his heart gave out. It is likely that he would’ve died early with or without the drugs.

I highly recommend reading Elvis: Destined to Die Young by Sally Hoedel. According to her extensive research, Elvis had several conditions (many of which he suffered from since childhood/were genetic) that detrimentally affected nine out of his 11 body systems, including (but not limited to):

- severe glaucoma & iritis,

- Chronic insomnia,

- Hirschsprung’s disease (bowel paralysis due to missing nerve cells in the colon that would’ve caused excruciating pain) resulting in megacolon,

- an immune system disorder called hypogammaglobulinemia (an under active immune system) resulting in frequent infections and left untreated, can lead to heart, lung, and digestive damage, Crohn’s, and cancer. (We know that Elvis suffered chronic infections throughout his life, especially tonsillitis, ear infections, sore throats, fevers, intestinal infections, and flus)

- Presence of the genetic disorder Alpha 1 Antitrypsin Deficiency (a condition affecting the liver, lungs, and heart which is now believed to be what killed his mother at such an early age)

- Congenital heart disease & hypertension

- Cushing’s disease

- adrenal insufficiency

- Anemia

- Rheumatoid arthritis and Reactive arthritis

- Enlarged spleen

- Enlarged liver/non alcoholic hepatitis

- Diabetes

- COPD (Based on the combination of many of these, Elvis may very well have suffered from Common Variable Immunodeficiency Disease or CVID.)

- And finally, his prescription drug addiction. Having so many conditions had him relying on, and eventually abusing, many prescription drugs just to function, especially as his touring and performing schedule demands increased.

I am amazed that Elvis could even function at all with even a fraction of these conditions, much less perform physically demanding shows twice a day and tour.

I truly hope Elvis is at peace and that he knows what a tremendous impact he’s made and continues to make on the world. I hope he can see what a wonderful job Austin and Baz did portraying him. I’m so happy that new generations are discovering him and his legacy. I hope we can continue it in for generations to come!

In memory of Elvis Aaron Presley

January 8th, 1935-August 16th, 1977