#and I've never wanted someone to experience light so badly

[respectthepetty]

Episode five and six of Happy of the End dealt with the aftermath of the death of Keito's Haoran's mother, so this Black Brooder is completely dark now.

He sits in the dark contemplating his life and how much he hates it.

And even though Chihiro brings light to his life (as well as food), Haoran remains dark.

However, Chihiro is the perfect person to lift Haoran out of this darkness because no matter how shitty Chihiro's life is, he continues to be colorful.

His family has disowned him. He gets fired from his job. Yet he is still light.

Kaji, who he considers a friend, is rude to him and belittles his relationship with Haoran, yet he stays light.

And that's why when he gets the slightest indication that Haoran needs his help, he quickly reaches out to him.

He takes Haoran from the dark into the light as they walk around the city from the night into the morning.

He gives him a gift, not only of warmth in his moment of coldness.

But also the gift of color.

And because of this one moment of warmth in Haoran's cold existence, this moment of light in Haoran's dark life, this moment of color in Haoran's black world, he believes he can die now. Is it because he has finally had a moment of joy? Is it because he thinks he will never experience it again?

It isn't clear, which isn't a problem because either way Haoran has settled into the idea that death is a suitable outcome, but Chihiro is more than willing to die right next to him, which is a problem.

Because Haoran doesn't want Chihiro to die. He doesn't want to dim Chihiro's light. He wants Chihiro to live.

And that's what gives Haoran the will to live.

Haoran isn't living for himself anymore because he isn't alone anymore.

He still has the darkness.

But he doesn't seem to be afraid of the light the way he was before. He tells Chihiro he likes him. He tells Kaji they are boyfriends.

He cries because he realizes he has something to lose, but that also means he has something worth keeping.

So even though his darkness pops up when he argues with Chihiro because he hasn't revealed his past,

Once Chihiro appears next to him in his confrontation with Maya, that color reemerges.

And he finally bares his soul and body to Chihiro and tells Chihiro how truly dark his past was.

And a shift happens.

For the first time since Haoran was a child, he is light.

Even as he is forced to run away from Maya again, he has someone to run with him. Even though his world is still dark, he sees the light.

So it's no surprise that Maya decides the easiest way to bring Haoran back into the darkness is to kill the light.

[atanx]

James Somerton's "A Measured Response": A Measured Response

so I watched a reupload of the video because idk i like to torture myself. and i took a bunch of notes:

“I tried to be a voice for every member of the queer community, but that was a failed endeavour before it even started.”

what a strange way to say ‘I tried making it seem like I’m the only queer creator and stole from and actively harmed people in the queer community. knowingly. purposefully. and when I was called out in the past I tried to hide it.'

“I'm a cis, white, gay man. No matter how much I try to be a good spokesperson, I can never really, truly, understand the life experiences of other, far more put upon,  members of the queer community.”

so of course I stole and hid work from the people I can't understand, gutting it of their personal experiences and refused to redirect my audience to those people so that they can enrich themselves and hear about issues pertaining them from someone who actually does understand.

“...one of the reasons I used their own words. But I should have made it clear that that was what I was doing.”

BITCH YOU STOLE. YOU GUTTED THEIR STORIES OF MEANINGFUL PERSONAL EXPERIENCES. YOU WEREN'T USING THEIR WORDS TO BE ABLE TO TALK ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN'T ENTIRELY UNDERSTAND YOU WERE MILKING THEM FOR CONTENT AND DEPRIVING PEOPLE OF ACTUAL, SOULFUL, MEANINGFUL ARTICLES AND BOOKS AND DOCUMENTARIES AND VIDEOS THEY COULD HAVE BEEN WATCHING INSTEAD.

“Being a cis white man I thought I might win over some people who otherwise wouldn't listen.”

Yeah sure. Because racist transphobes are going to be watching your badly plagiarised gay film analysis.

“I would also like to apologise to Jessie Gender, who is one of the kindest people I ever met. Through my hot-headedness, I drew her into this anger spiral.”

‘through my hotheadedness.’. shirking responsibility onto an ‘ingrained personality trait of yours’ I see.

if you are so honestly sorry for being an asshole to Jessie why don't you fucking apologise to her directly? privately? not as a way to boost your own fucking image??

he's trying to earn good will by complimenting Jessie Gender “oh he knows to compliment an awesome person we have that in common I guess he can't be so bad after all” fuck you I recognise your strategies and it's gross to drag Jessie into this like that, she spoke out against you and you are trying to imply some sort of friendship or something between you. okay I cannot UNDERSTATE the way he tries to make it seem like they are close in some way and sort of drag her onto his side that's so fucking despicable. as far as I know Jessie Gender does not have a relationship with him of any kind?

once again bringing up death threats I see. obviously death threats are shite and anyone who threatens the dude in seriousness or harasses him will not see the light of heaven as Hbomberguy said but IN AN APOLOGY YOU DO NOT MAKE IT ABOUT YOU THAT'S MANIPULATION

also blaming the police for not clarifying a situation in a timely manner - the police are a flaming pile of garbage and I hope the institution explodes but NOT SAYING ANYTHING WAS YOUR CHOICE. THE POLICE DIDN'T MAKE YOU DO SHIT THERE

the problem isn't that you tried to “create a channel where all queer people could be safe”, the problem is that 1) you are a misogynist 2) you yourself engaged in transphobic behaviour and 3) you also actively supressed queer people's voices. The problem isn't that you supposedly wanted a space for all queer people, the problem is that you tried to MONOPOLISE queer literature analysis. fuck, queer doesn't look like a word anymore I've written it too many times now

(paraphrased) “I should have been helping with making queer people's voices discoverable” this makes it seem like he just didn't do anything and not like the reality that he was actively trying to rewrite history and bury LQBTQIA+ voices under his steaming pile of garbage

also BLAMING YOUTUBE AND THE ALGORITHM FOR ‘PUSHING HIM’ because he's cis and white, like maybe they did, I certainly wouldn't be surprised, but that is not why other creators suffered, a large part of that can be attributed to James Somerton stealing their work without any acknowledgement whatsoever apart maybe if they are lucky, a “based on” in the credits or their name flashing on screen for half a second.

“I should have done more to share the voices of other queer people” THAT IMPLIES YOU DID SOMETHING. YOU WERE ACTIVELY WORKING AGAINST THAT YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT-

“it was just my dweam to be a youtubew and when my videos gained twaction i felt pwessuwed to make mowe vewy quickly and that's why they wewe so shit uwu” fuck off you weren't pressured into shit you just wanted to make money and that's why you were a content mill

“early on I thought that crediting authors in the opening credits alone was enough” what about the times YOU DIDN'T EVEN DO THAT??? YOU'RE MAKING THIS SEEM LIKE THE DRAMA IS ABOUT YOU CREDITING PEOPLE WRONG WHEN ITS ABOUT YOUR SYSTEMATIC THEFT AND OPPRESSION OF THOSE YOU CLAIM TO MAKE VIDEOS FOR AND ABOUT AND THOSE YOU CLAIM TO MAKE A SAFE SPACE FOR. WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK WATCHES YOUR VIDEOS?? WE KNOW WHAT YOU DID YOU CAN'T JUST PLAY IT DOWN

not him using Hbomberguy's example of the DEEP CUTS: SOCIETY AND QUEER HORROR video and claiming he credited all people in the opening scene when Hbomberguy highlighted he DIDNT EVEN CREDIT MOST OF THEM FUCK OFF ARE YOU DELUSIONAL HOW DO YOU THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH THIS

I think I'm going insane this all seems so blatantly fake. he brings up the evil queens video and how he asked Sean Griffin, retroactively, permission to include his work in the video. and he shows a ‘screenshot’ of an email Griffin allegedly wrote to thank him for putting him in the title-card and that he thinks it is ‘a very thoughtful video’. only the text of the email header, such as Griffin's name, the RE:, and the To: is a lot smaller than the ‘text’ in the email, which leads me to believe that the below text is edited in some way. And with how hard James is trying to rewrite history, it wouldn't surprise me if he literally rewrote the email or cut things out to present himself in a more positive light. obviously I can't prove that the email is fake but I'll just say that I think the likelihood is very high that it is.

the way he says this also implies that he asked for permission after he made the video but hadn't published it yet. which is also blatantly false.

again trying to waltz off responsibility on nick, saying he was much more interested in production and implying that nick did all the writing .

“nick and I had both grown up poor so when I lost my job in 2021 (approx.) we of course were desperate and turned to producing videos even quicker and plagiarising the fuck out of all of them! but we can't help it we were both poor as kids!” fuck off, you weren't poor when plagiarising every-fucking-thing, this was in “the second year of COVID”. obviously if they really did grow up poor that sucks, and that's why we should eat the rich and redistribute their money. not plagiarise people who partly are poor or not financially cushy and manipulate thousands of people into believing you are the only queer creator.

also milking his mom's cancer. if you were really that worried about your financial situation, one would think that you would get an actual job for security and not put everything into your youtube career that is unstable, especially considering you've already done a lot of plagiarism and have no intention of stopping. “oh I plagiarised because my mom had cancer QAQ” that is so digusting to use a person's medical condition like that.

“i have memory issues because of a head injury i suffered as a child and that's why I plagiarise badly. see, I copy pasted the text with the intention to rephrase it later but forgot.” that would still be fucking plagiarism if he'd done that, also, if he's so aware of his memory issues and how they lead to him plagiarising, why didn't he try to work around that? leave himself notes? or tell nick to remind him to integrate actual proper credit and citations before uploading a video? mark the plagiarised stuff in the document with like highlighter or so when you're pasting it in?? oh but he didn't do all of that because he has ADHD. now, ADHD can be debilitating, but he says it's recently diagnosed so it must not have caused a lot of problems for him so far, so it's probably not severe and even if it is, it doesn't excuse him not crediting people properly. stop fucking hiding behind things ‘you can’t change' because if you truly can't you probably shouldn't be doing this in the first place.

“my mom really wanted me to make a movie with her life insurance but that wasn't paid out so I decided to crowdfund it. i planned to underpay the actors so hard it was under union wages. we got more money than we were expecting and upgraded to wanting to film a feature (final girl) but i didn't want to start working on it until the campaign was over for some reason that totally isn't me just wanting to exploit people for money!”

I'm not gonna go into the Telos stuff but he tries to explain it by claiming it was very unorganised and that's why they constantly ran into issues and that's why nothing ever got done and they were JUST about to start doing stuff when the Hbomberguy video released. You know what, I can believe it, although I am very doubtful considering all James ever does is lie. Idk. 

once again trying to excuse his plagiarism with needing to pay two rents and thus needing to make more videos for more sponsors and not having the time to not plagiarise like please. i don't believe that they were in that dire need of money and if they were - just get a fucking stable job and put youtube on the backburner. 

also once again trying to make it all about him by once again talking about his suicide attempt and death threats. like. no one should suffer through that kind of mental anguish but honestly I cannot bring myself to feel sympathy for this man. and i see this as an attempt to gather pity points.

“nick worked very hard on these videos other three years and it's unfair to [them] (james says that they're non-binary but doesn't indicate their pronouns anywhere? and in the beginning he uses they/them but later only he/him so idk what their pronouns are but it seems like they/them is at least part of their pronouns so i'm just going to use that) that they all got taken down” well y'all shouldn't have fucking plagiarised then. let this be a lesson maybe and don't fucking show your face on youtube again!

he is fucking relaunching his channel. like james. this isn't something you come back from. no one will ever be able to trust you ever again and you don't deserve an audience. he claims all the revenue will go to Hbomberguy's fund but we have no way to verify this. we have no way to know just how much he makes and how much of that is actually going to the fund. i don't trust him with any money. which is why i watched a reupload rather than the original. he's also releasing a new video he claims is entirely by him. like?????? don't???????

he also might not relaunch his existing patreon but he's still making a new one.

he claims he will “work his ass off” to make non-plagiarised videos. like that isn't “working your ass off” that's the bare fucking minimum. I really want to trust him. and I want to believe he'll actually try to do better. and maybe he will. and i believe in second chances, even for someone as despicable as him. but throughout this video he has continuously tried to play down what he did. tried to make excuses for everything. and that's why i am not going to give him a second chance. if he can't even admit what he did i don't trust him to not do it again. and i also just plainly don't want to endorse a person making such arguments.

also, he plugs his fucking new patreon right after this.

“this video is not about me promoting myself. it's about me apologising.” the only fucking person you actually ‘apologised’ to is Jessie Gender. 

James Somerton: makes a billion fucking excuses. Also James Somerton: “These are not excuses. There is no excuse for what I did.”

this entire video was just a publicity stunt. he tries to humanise himself and repair his image. this is just a tool to be able to continue on and continue making money.

he also still claims the disney video was based on the Celluloid Closet and he credited the author and ignores that this wasn't the only author he fucking plagiarised in that video. he is trying to reduce his plagiarsm to incorrect crediting and mistakes and that is disgusting.

the least he could have done was mention by name out loud every author he plagiarised and what work he plagiarised. not just say “uuuh i'm sorry to everyone I plagiarised QAQ”

[avatar-anna]

Diamonds

pausing our regularly scheduled program with a luke hemmings blurb bc i love him and his solo music and i'm sad i couldn't go to any of his shows 😔 i'll get back to harry soon, but i'll take inspo wherever i can rn. enjoy!

"The next one we're gonna play for you is one of the most vulnerable songs I've ever written," Luke said, mouth pressed up against the microphone. The shimmer you helped spread over the lids of his eyes practically glowed under the blue lights that lit the stage. You thought he looked ethereal, the very embodiment of the music he was performing tonight.

"When I was putting together the final tracklist for this album," Luke continued, "I was hesitant to add this song because I was afraid that it was too vulnerable, but I was convinced that it was worth sharing, that the emotions and experiences behind this song would reach those who needed to hear it the most.

"The person who convinced me, and played a crucial part of making this record, is here tonight, and to them, I would just like to say thank you. Thank you for believing in me when I couldn't and making me brave enough to truly face my demons. You pulled me out of the deep end when it felt like I was drowning, and I would be a completely different person than I am today without you. I love you. My heart and soul is yours to keep."

Cheers were heard throughout the venue as the opening chords began. As Luke started to sing, you were thankful that you decided to watch the concert from backstage, unable to keep tears from welling in your eyes.

"Cut like diamonds and sink like stones, starve myself 'til I'm skin and bone, I'm so much older than I ever thought I would be."

He said that often. My heart and soul is yours to keep. Yours to keep safe, was what he meant. It had taken him a long time to open up to you and trust your ability to be a good partner, so him saying that his heart was yours was huge. He trusted you that much not to break his heart, to never let him sink back into old habits and bitter thoughts. That level of trust meant everything to you.

In his little speech, Luke thanked you for being the one to convince him to release the song, which was true in a way. He'd been conflicted about the song at first, not ready to share such a dark period of his life so publicly. The song had originally been just a way to express himself, to put everything he'd been through on paper without ever letting it see the light of day.

Luke had shared what the song was about, had opened up to you just what had made him feel that way in the past—toxic relationships, poor decisions that led to even worse habits, hurting the people closest to him, all of his mistakes. He didn't hide any of it from you, and you took all of those misgivings, all of those past mistakes, and showed him that you loved him anyway.

"How far is far? Are we too deep in? How dark is dark? I need to see it."

It wasn't easy at first. When you met, Luke wasn't in a place where he could give himself to anyone emotionally. He believed that he was too damaged to be loved the way he deserved and that he was better off being alone and unhurt than trying to fall in love again and risk being completely ruined by someone he thought he could trust. He had been more closed off than anyone you'd ever met, but all of it just made you want to show him what love without conditions looked like. And he couldn't fathom why. Luke was never rude to you about it. He never snapped at you or pushed you away or treated you badly to make a point, he just truly believed that he wasn't worth your time.

*.*

You were at his house, hanging out as friends. Only this time you surprised him by bringing him flowers.

Luke had been completely dumbfounded, unsure of your intentions. You told him it was just to brighten up his home a little, and because you liked doing nice things for the people you cared about. He didn't question you much further, but the rest of the time you were together, you caught him staring at the bouquet that stood in the vase you'd placed them in. His gaze had been wary and apprehensive each time, and you finally told him the truth.

"I want to take you on a date," you said simply.

Luke seemed surprised, which led to a conversation that was perhaps a step below an argument, but only because you calmly listened to Luke and evaded his tactics to push you away with ease.

"I—I don't deserve you," he finally said, but his voice was heavy with emotion, like he desperately didn't want it to be true.

"Who decides what we do and don't deserve, Luke?" you said to him, resting your hand over his and rubbing your thumb over his knuckles gently. To your surprise, he didn't pull away.

"I'm not good enough for you," he amended.

With a close-lipped smile, you leaned over from your spot on his couch and placed your thumb between his brows, smoothing the furrow there. "I think you think you're a worse person than you are."

You kissed his brow, your touch just enough for him to feel your lips brush his skin. When you pulled back, you tapped his nose with your knuckle. "I won't push you, and I won't try to fix you," you said, because the truth was, you didn't believe he needed fixing. But you knew you weren't going to be able to convince him of that. Not now, anyway. "But I will tell you this: you are a remarkable person, and when you're ready, I'd love to love you one day."

*.*

"I'm on my way out, losing the dream. I feel it crash down, down on me. Caught in the madness, holding on me. Is this the way it will always be?"

It took some time, but Luke eventually believed what you did from the day you met him. You were there to see him through the thick of it, holding his hand when he needed you to and giving him space when he asked. He'd gone off to write for a little while, and when he came back, you could practically see the weight lift from his shoulders. It was as if he'd left his biggest demons at the cabin he'd been staying in.

And now he was at his own solo concert performing the songs that held the deepest secrets of his heart. Luke sang each word with passion and pride, the kind that came from knowing that he'd overcome the darkness that had held him for so long. He wasn't drowning anymore, but he sang his songs so that his fans could see that it was possible to be in a dark place and come out of it.

The song faded to its end, and Luke bowed before the crowd as they cheered. He held his hands together in front of his face, the appreciation written in his features abundantly clear. You watched him survey the crowd with so much pride you thought you were going to burst, but you ended up just shedding a couple more tears instead.

While fans were still cheering and his band was playing chords that would lead into the next song, Luke jogged to the side of the stage where you were standing. You hadn't expected him to come over to you, but when you saw his face, you knew what he needed.

Your arms opened for him just in time as he wrapped himself around you. He held onto you tight, his face buried in your hair as he lifted you off the ground. You held on just as fiercely, hoping it would sufficiently express just how much you loved him.

Time stopped as Luke held you in his arms. He had a whole crowd waiting for him to sing the next song, but neither of you seemed worried about getting him back onstage. When he finally set you back down, you kissed his cheek a couple times before kissing him properly, your hands on either side of his face.

"Okay, okay, no more of that," you said, when he kept trying to follow your lips as you pulled away from him, wanting just one more kiss. "There'll be plenty of time for that later. Now go. Everyone's waiting for you."

Luke began to turn like he was going to do just as you said, but before he walked away, he spun on his heel and caught you in one last kiss. Satisfied by your tinged cheeks, he grinned and kissed your cheek. "Mean the world to me, darlin.'"

Hearing him say that made you melt every single time, and he knew that. Shoving his shoulder playfully toward the stage, you said, "Yeah, yeah, I know. Now go be a rockstar, will you? You're keeping everyone waiting. Myself included."

Luke finally turned around for real and did just that.

[chaosandorder46]

Master fic list

I decided it was time to make a master list. 🤷‍♀️

Witcher

Tissaia/Yennefer centric

1. I’m OK, You’re OK (6108 words; uni AU)- Tissaia's anxiety is not under control. Yennefer totally gets it, and Triss is a therapist, because of course, she is.

2. And Then There Were Three (26,290 words; domestic fluff)-Tissaia and Yennefer are happily married, and want a child to complete their family. The process won't be easy, but they have each other and their ride or die friend group. Some fluff, some angst, and shenanigans arise on their journey.

3. Self Control (1,149 words; fluff and smut)- Dr. Tissaia de Vries has legendary self control. Unless Yennefer of Vengerberg is in the room.

4. Come to my Office, Please (3,123 words; Eventual smut)-A private message gets sent to the entire group and puts a series of events into action.

5. Stars Fell on Aretuza (1,210 words; hurt/comfort)-It's the first Ascension Ball since the Thanedd Coup, and the first in decades not coordinated by Tissaia de Vries.

6. You Mistake the Stars (31,647 words; whump)- Yennefer saw Vilgefortz as a way to get off of the pig farm, but ended up in a worse situation. When she casts an errant portal and ends up on the Isle of Thanedd, she meets a cast of characters that will change her life.

7. Such a Good Turkey (2,606 words, crack fic)- It's close to Thanksiving on The Continent and no one has any chill.

8. I Might Love You More than Coffee (46,484 words; fluff)- Yennefer is intrigued by a mysterious new regular at her coffee shop, The Lodge. I'm no barista, so I'm relying on my extensive coffee consumption experience for the details on this one.

9. Le Tits Now! (3,939 words; crack fic)-It's the holiday season and everyone is in various states of festiveness. Shenanigans to follow...

10. And I Swear My Breath Turned Silver the Day Your Hair Did (4,942 words; angst with a happy ending)-I've never really written a real fix it for the Thanedd Coup before. I pretty much just ignore it by writing modern AUs or insinuate that everything turned out ok.

This is a somewhat canon compliant (until it's not) fix it for the Thanedd Coup fall out. I've had it in progress for a while and seem to be having trouble working on my other fic until this one is done.

11. What’s Lost is not Lost…Keep Looking! (1,380 words; crack fic)-Ciri's beloved stuffy is missing. Tissaia and Yen are ready to go all Liam Neeson from Taken, but the answer may be closer than they think.

12. Now the Air I Tasted and Breathed (Has Taken a Turn) (WIP; angst with a happy ending)-Ok, so....remember the musical episode of Grey's Anatomy (Song beneath the song)? Um...this is the Witcher version of that. Kind of, though (in my imagination) the characters aren't singing, it's just a montage of scenes with the song playing. If you aren't familiar with Black by Pearl Jam, listening is a good pre-reading activity. :)

13. How did we get THIS way? (3,933 words; crack treated seriously) - An alternate version of Rinde if Tissaia had shown up a bit later. OR...Tissaia de Vries accidentally crashes an orgy.

14. Nothing Sweeter Than a Bitter Cup of Coffee (13,681 words; light angst and crack)-More coffee shop shenanigans ensue when Rita shares some news with Tissaia.

15. More Indelible than Ink (WIP, fluff)- Tissaia is the proprietor of deVries Ink and Paper Shop and leads a very quiet, normal life...that is until a stunning raven-haired tattoo artist walks into her store.

Sabrina/Triss centric

1. The Kids are Alright (5,399 words; mutual pining)-Sabrina breaks her arm badly teaching novices non-magical self defense. Rita and Triss help her and Triss uses her chaos. The healer becomes the patient and Rita is sick of their shit.

2. Downtime (1,034 words, PWP?)- Sabrina's office has a network downtime and she needs something (or someone) to do.

3. What We Lost at Sodden (8,858 words; hurt/comfort)- This is another Sodden Hill story with a focus on Sabrina and Rita's experiences. I feel like Sabrina was too OK, too soon after Sodden, and I would love to have seen more of Rita's experience being charged with holding down the fort, knowing her friends were fighting for, and losing their lives.

4. The Things I Regret (2,036 words; hurt/comfort)- Written on the the one year anniversary of my mom's death. We had a very complicated relationship and I've been surprised at how I've felt since she died, vs. how I thought I would feel. I also had lunch recently with a friend who has gone no-contact with her mother due to her refusal to acknowledge her childhood trauma. These human experiences are always so interesting to me...if a bit painful. So, why not write about it? 😁

So, once again poor Sabrina gets to be a stand in for therapy. I mainly chose her because of her conduit moment, we know she has some issues there. 😁

5. Put Out the Fire in Your Head and Lay With Me Tonight (2,226 words; fluff and smut)-Sabrina is exhausted and stressed. Triss helps her relax. This is all fluff with a little bit of smut and nearly no plot. Just like I like to write. 😈😍

6. Burnout (10,501 words; hurt/comfort)-Sabrina is burnt out and coping as only Sabrina can, which is to say, not at all.

7. Aretuza (Be Sure to Wear Flowers in Your Hair) (1,465 words; tooth rotting fluff)- This is a snapshot of an Aretuza where they all live happily ever after, even if the novices are a bit ...incapable.

8. The world was on fire (and no one could save me but you) (22,760 words; angst with a happy ending)-IMO, this is the angstiest thing I've written, so be warned. None of the major characters die (I could never) but there is some death.

9. The 14th on the Hill (8,985 words; angst with a happy ending)-Another spin on Sodden, but this one pulls from book lore as well as Netflix lore and HCs.

Group shenanigans

1. Icks (1,116 words; crack fic)-Tissaia learns a new term. Everyone shares an ick in their relationship.

2. Triss’s Greenhouse (429 words; crack fic) -Tissaia needs to relax and Triss has something for that.

3. Beige Flags (770 words; crack fic)-Tissaia is slowly learning tik tok. She needs an explanation of beige flags.

4. Another Fic Where Triss is Stoned, but with Pokemon (965 words; crack fic)- This is a crack fic, but based on a real life conversation. No need to take this seriously. :) This is based on a video game called pal world That is essentially a rip off of pokémon... And they have guns.

5. Hanging Around (5,593 words, crack treated seriously)- Ok. I was inadvertently sent on a side quest to tell an important, and very serious story. It is based on the delightful video below which gave me several much needed laughs. This is set in the AUMC universe where Tissaia is a pathologist, Yennefer and Rita work in the hospitals PR department, Triss is a nurse and married to Sabrina, who manages the lab. The slides in question are stained blood and bone marrow which are used to microscopically diagnose blood disorders, such as leukemia. I think that is all the pre-reading needed.🤭

6. After Sodden (29,044 words; modern AU; slow burn?)- Ciri is an environmental activist, but accidentally commits a bit of eco-terrorism. She's now a fugitive and turns to Yennefer for help.This was inspired by a Tumblr prompt...I have taken a LOT of creative liberties here. (Read: I don't follow instructions well).

Wheel of Time

• I (Critically) Care A Lot (7,677 words; Hospital AU)- Moraine and Siuan have a tense working relationship. Or do they?

• You’re Going to Make Me…Late (8,493 words; hospital AU)-Siuan applies for a new job.

• I’d walk to the depths of a world down below (and demand to get back what some circumstance stole) (1,867 words; crack)-Siuan is dead, like...dead dead. And Moiraine has to go to The Underworld to get her back.

[baejax-the-great]

Archive-locking the fics that YOU WROTE and are thus 100% yours to decide what to do with 'hurting people' is so silly tbh. Skill issue on their part. Wish those people could be normal about the amazing fics that writers like you put out & be understanding or at the very least respectful of the choices that writers make about how and where they make their fics available. Especially in light of recent ai training theft and nonsense & all that.

I hope this doesn't sour the fic writing & sharing experience for you too much. I love your writing & think you're very talented & skilled!

There seem to be dual attitudes I'm coming up against recently (and obviously these are not held by everyone, I don't even know that they are held by a majority, but they are certainly held by a plurality).

The first is that authors should be grateful that readers deign to read what they put out there. I think this stems from the "content creation" mentality and the idea that everyone who posts things wants as massive as an audience as possible (for monetization purposes which... isn't a thing in fanfic). I think this mindset also leads to readers demanding that people write specific tropes/pairings/whatever, or threatening basically to take their business elsewhere. "Nobody will read unless you do [X]." 1. Not true and 2. Okay, you weren't my audience.

(I also think authors circulating those posts about how badly they want comments/kudos feeds this mentality of readers doing authors a favor by even clicking on the fic. "Wow, if people are so desperate for attention, then mine must be worth an awful lot!")

Fanfic ain't a business, and I write for myself. Readers choosing to read my work isn't a privilege or an honor they are bestowing upon me (nor are comments for that matter), just as me posting my writing where they can see it isn't a privilege or an honor for them. We are both engaging in hobbies and a love of some media, and sometimes we will overlap and connect and sometimes we won't. Readers aren't reading out of altruism for attention-starved authors, and authors aren't writing out of altruism for content-hungry readers.

And there are those who will read these paragraphs above and think to themselves "wow, what an ungrateful author," and that's exactly the attitude I'm talking about. Don't get me wrong, it's delightful and rewarding to receive comments on fics and chat with people about Blorbo and the Situations. But it should be delightful from both sides of the exchange, or why the hell are we doing this? If I'm meant to be grateful for every commenter who jumps into my inbox, then every commenter in my inbox better be grateful for me, and I can tell you right now there is a population who is not. There is a population who sees me as a service provider for their entertainment, and whatever form I take in their brain, it is not shaped like a full person.

This attitude also leads to people thinking that things like lorefm are no big deal. Don't I want to get my work in front of more eyeballs (or ears)? Don't I want to broaden my audience? And once I put my work out there for readers to see, should I be shocked (or express any negative emotions at all) when someone plagiarizes/scrapes it for AI/demands updates rudely/reads it on a monetized youtube channel/binds it and sells it for profit?

The other idea I've been coming up against is almost the opposite of this--that because some readers form attachments to fic, deleting that fic (or even archive-locking it!) is actively harming those readers. Sure, they can't be bothered to hit the download button or get an AO3 account, but that's no reason not to think of these strangers first before doing what I want with my creative output.

Yall, life is ephemeral. There are things we will see and enjoy and never find again for one reason or another, and it's not harm being done to us, it's just the nature of existence. Having an emotional reaction to something does not give you any sort of ownership over that thing. Artists are allowed to change their minds about whether they want that art in the wild, particularly given that it's free. Maybe it's because I utilize the library a lot, but reading a book and then losing access to that book is not a crime against you, it's just a normal thing that happens. If you read something and it means that much to you, there are ways to avoid losing it (download it).

Seeing this particular attitude extend out to "not making your fic available for as many people to read as possible is harming them" is beyond bizarre. If I woke up tomorrow and deleted everything I have ever written, there would still be thousands upon thousands upon thousands of beautiful, emotional, meaningful fics out there for people to read. They would lack for nothing. Would some people be upset? Probably. Would I be hurting them? No, not really.

Sometimes people have negative emotions because of our actions, but that doesn't mean we did anything to them. This is one of those times.

Lastly, this AI and everything else bullshit really has taken a toll on my enthusiasm for posting my work. It's one thing for companies to try to pillage every thought, every word, every stroke of a pen or paintbrush to enrich themselves while actively making the planet an unbearable and inhospitable place to live, it's another when fellow fans are telling you that "Whelp that's just life, what did you expect, give us your content anyway or you're a bad person and if you complain, then I'll be taking my business elsewhere, you sensitive, entitled creative, lol."

[t4llhum4n]

So. It's time to fulfill my promise about Porter lmao.

Theory (and spoilers for Vincent and Sam's playlists as well as Sam's bonus scene) will be below the cut.

Well, at least we know now that he isn't Hush's brother.

In all seriousness though, I had no idea how to approach a theory about this guy that hasn't already been shouted from the rooftops on tumblr. So, I started with the bonus scene, and upon relistening, I heard something that I found.. odd.

Why, and how, was Porter the one texting Sam?

Everyone that I've seen is talking about Vincent and Porter's history (which is something I ended up doing too whoops), so with this, I want to theorize about Sam and Porter's (potential) history. Bear with me, I kind of lost interest in the Solaire's storylines in light of things like the Balance and Carpe Deus, so I might mess some things up lmao.

I've seen, and agree with, the "Porter is Alexis' progeny" theory, at least at its basic level. I do think that Porter was potentially turned by Alexis, hence the "Solaire," but I'm wondering if his situation wasn't closer Sam's than we originally thought. Let me cook real quick.

We don't know how old Porter is. We don't know when Porter was turned. Hell, we don't even know if this guy was empowered or not (different can of worms, I'm putting that aside). All we have is that he uses the last name "Solaire" and that he has Sam's contact information. Admittedly, we don't know much about Alexis past her age, but for the sake of this theory, that's all we really need.

If Alexis has been a vampire for over fifty years, and Sam has been a vampire for under twenty, then that leaves a little over thirty years where Alexis' could've been fucking around and finding out. The thing that people (including myself) tend to forget when thinking about Sam's turning is that Alexis knew how to do it. Sure, it was done to her by William, but we know from the timeline that she was badly injured when she was turned, so she probably didn't learn it just from that first instance. Furthermore, considering that she has been described as "difficult" and "a hellion" along with the fact that she was apparently so awful that William swore he'd never turn another person again, I'm guessing that she didn't study up on vampires and how they work.

So, what else is there? Hands-on experience; the best teacher. Enter, Porter. I'm not going to give an estimate of his age beyond "older than Sam," because an exact number doesn't really matter for this. I am, however, going to do what I do best, and point out parallels that I've noticed. Namely, the parallels between Fred and "Bright Eyes'" turning, and Sam's own experience with turning.

Time for a quick run-down for those who aren't too familiar with the Fred/"Bright Eyes" storyline! Basically, Quinn leaves both Fred and "Bright" on the brink of death. Sam sees Fred, turns him to save his life, and then tells Fred how to turn other people so he can save "Bright," which he does. From there, Sam takes on both vampires as his own, seeing as Fred is too inexperienced with, well, everything, to be a proper Maker. He teaches them for a couple of years, and then lets them go off on their own once he thinks they're ready. And at the end of it all, Fred decides to take Sam's last name.

Cool, great recap, but why am I bringing it up? Well, let's look over to Sam's story real quick. He was turned, though against his will, by Alexis, someone who we can infer isn't responsible enough to be a proper Maker. We know that once William caught wind of the full situation, he took matters into his own hands, separated the two, and set Sam up in a cabin on his own, as per his request. Knowing William, he most likely offered more help, but knowing Sam, he probably declined, and opted to live alone comfortably on the edge of the territory. In both situations, we have someone who can't or isn't a good Maker, and said vampire's Maker taking responsibility for their progeny's progeny.

What if this isn't William's first rodeo with caring for one of Alexis' progeny? What if Porter was one of Alexis' first progeny, with circumstances being similar to that of Sam's turning, and William took him under his wing? The difference this time, though, is that Porter accepted William's offer of more help. Now, this could be because William heard about Porter's situation sooner after it happened, or that Porter was unempowered and had no clue about anything -- either way, this next claim stands. What if Porter took the name "Solaire" from William, not Alexis?

If this is true, it would explain two things; 1) why Porter has Sam's number, and 2) why Porter and Vincent were at odds. The first reason is kind of self-explanatory. If Porter heard about what happened with Sam and Alexis via someone else in the clan and he empathized with it, then he probably would've reached out to offer support. What became of him reaching out could be a number of things, but it ended with the two of them exchanging contact information, and that's why Porter has Sam's number.

Now, on to the rockier claim. Let's start with this: I'm going to say that Porter is older than Vincent. If we run with the assumption that what I said earlier about William and Porter's relationship is true, Porter would've seen William as his true Maker, despite William not being the one to turn him. So, when Vincent gets turned, and William starts devoting his time to him, we can assume that Porter might get a little jealous. And that jealousy grew over time, especially because Vincent kept refusing the help that William was offering. He had the privilege of actually having a good and competent Maker, and he was spitting in his face? If what I theorized about Porter's past is true, then it's natural that that would irk him.

He kept it under wraps, though, and it got easier to tolerate Vincent; especially when he put his pride away and stopped being so difficult. But part of him was always stewing with jealousy. Now, I'm not saying that jealousy is the only reason why Porter and Vincent got into a fight that almost resulted in their deaths. I think that there was something that initiated it. Maybe it was something one of them said or did to the other -- I'm not sure. That being said, whatever it was brought all that jealousy to a head, and that's why they fought.

I don't know though! And I'm more than open to other interpretations. I have a few floater thoughts if we look at Porter in a more sinister light (e.g. Alexis and Porter are close and he got the number from her right before he sent the text), but I hadn't seen anyone make him out to be more sympathetic yet, so I decided to go that route! I hope you enjoyed this mess of a theory, and as always, if you notice any plotholes or have any evidence that contradicts this, please let me know :)

[lilcupio]

AroAce Playlist of songs in Spanish

Clarification: I know that these songs were not created to be aroace, but this is MY OWN PERSONAL INTERPRETATION, MINE, FROM ME AND ONLY ME.

And yes, I am a hopeless romantic (and cupioromantic), so my AroAce experience is somewhat pessimistic??? ig

Let's go with the playlist:

The arromantic song par excellence. Simple and direct.

1.- Abducida por formar una pareja | TRONCO.

"When I think of the way you talk

Of Menorca, of the weather and of your cat,

I imagine I make you a proposal

And I ask you if you'd like to be my boyfriend.

But no, because I don't want boyfriends

Or girlfriends or anything else susceptible.

To be lied to, to be convinced.

To be abducted to form a couple"

2.- Enamorado tuyo | El Cuarteto de Nos.

Ah~ the endless debate about what the true meaning of this song is. Some say it's a love song, others say it's about denial. The good thing about ambiguous meaning is that you can play with the words as you wish, and for me, this song is lit me.

"If you think that I feel love

Please don't make regret

Don't comment with your people

About our affair.

Hardly anyone ever says

That I'm in love with you"

3.- Desechable | Mon Laferte.

The lyrics of this song reflect an internal struggle. When I first discovered my arromanticism, it was hard for me to accept it. I wanted so badly to experience falling in love and being loved differently, I wanted to be and have that special person in my life. If I can't be special to someone else, then I will always be one of the crowd.

"I'm just one more, just a maybe

Something disposable, expendable.

I'm just another number, just another piece.

I am irremediable, invisible.

Behind my shield there is skin.

Behind the bitter there is honey.

You will see that there is light behind the black shadow"

4.- Primavera | El Cuarteto de Nos.

An Aro Allosexual song, LET'S GOOOOO

The story is simple, a man thinks he's in love, but realizes he's just horny. I especially love the spring metaphor; I like how it tries to hide the horniness under a layer of romanticism and fake poetry.

"It's summer and I'm hot, but I thought it was

Because of my sudden outbreak of love, in the middle of spring.

Your laughter, in my distraction, made me think it was spring.

Your laughter, in my distraction, made me think it was spring.

It's autumn but deep inside, I still think it was

For the fact that I'm horny, full springtime.

Your laughter, in my distraction, make me think it's spring.

Your laughter, in my distraction, made me think it was spring"

5.- Bailando solo | Los Bunkers.

Yep, a song that talks about loneliness, I have nothing more to say.

"Dancing alone in the dark

You'll get used to it

To watching all of life go by.

Like a promise at dusk,

You can dissolve

On the edge of a crystal glass.

Now that you're here

And the future hides from you

You've already scratched the floor

And the walls of your room"

6.- Paramar | Los Prisioneros.

The lyrics suggest that to love requires a series of sacrifices that distort the essence of the person. There is nothing more arromantic than feeling uncomfortable in a relationship, that you are not really being yourself, you are only forcing to act as society says you should.

"Love, love, where did I hear that word before?

I redid my schedule for you

And buy more calendars.

Passed me a 3 dimensional video,

With a happy ending.

I tried to inject myself with my old optimism,

But that one that turned out

Was still me, ready to love.

I never thought that just this winter, Would be the coldest I've ever seen.

I'm no good for love"

7.- Sexo | Los Prisioneros.

This song is a critique of the hypersexualization of society and the use of sex to get the attention of the masses. It also talks about the pressure to be sexually active and how sex is needed in order to be an “adult”. Pretty ace to me.

"There's nothing to blush about,

It's everywhere, you see.

Now virginity

Is a medieval thing.

It's your maturity card,

Your passport to adulthood.

She is not a woman to love

But an enemy to be subdued"

8.- Estar solo | Los Prisioneros.

Can you tell I love Los Prisioneros? They are one of the most important Latin rock bands for a reason.

I remember being 17 years old, going to school and seeing my friends with their boyfriends, coming home and watching my parents kissing, turning on the TV and find a romantic movie. In those days, when I was not in my best mood, all I could do was lock myself in my room and listen to this song with swollen eyes. This song represents the ultimate expression of my internalized aphobia. Although I have now accepted my identity and sexuality, this remains one of the songs I have identified with the most in my life.

"Something that is always there.

Something that is neither lie nor truth.

Bad habits, bad destiny.

A single path

That I can never deny.

There's something wrong inside of me

A kind of program with an error,

A tendency, a demand.

Many differences

That I can never deny.

To be alone.

To be alone.

The months go by, the years come together

And everything doesn't matter.

The fantasies, the movie scenes,

Have a bad ending.

I'm fine I feel fine

But this is too big a planet to be alone.

To be alone.

To be alone.

I'm fine I feel fine

But it's too big a planet to be alone.

To be alone... there's something wrong inside of me.

To be alone... something that's neither true nor false.

To be alone... bad habits, bad destiny."

PD: I'm sorry if there is a bad translation or some parts are difficult to understand :c

[rainbowsky]

cpfs are getting a Lot of hate rn bc of the banners at the airport

thoughts?

What are my thoughts? 🙃

I think people should stay in their own damn lane, both the solos who are whining about what turtles are doing, and the turtles who are whining about what the solos think/say about turtles.

And if you're talking about Twitter, where some turtles are falling all over each other bitch other turtles out the loudest and seem the most blameless... the same applies. Keep Twitter toxicity where it belongs. Don't bring it here. Most of us are here to get away from that garbage.

As for the light banners, it's pretty convenient for solos to continually say that turtles should only bring green to events. They hate BXG, so of course they're going to want to eliminate our fandom color from any event. But the idea that we should show up in solo colors is absurd and totally offensive.

I have said this before, turtles have absolutely every right to show their support to GG and DD. They have absolutely every right to show their colors at events. The problem isn't the colors, it's fan behavior that can be a problem. People showing fandom colors should behave in ways that present the fandom in a positive light.

As far as I could see, the people crowding DD and his team out at the airport were not wearing any fandom color, and were just individuals making bad choices (many could quite possibly have been shishengs, paps and daipai such as those who did similar at the airport when GG was leaving for Europe). The fans tend to be well-behaved. It's those others who are unscrupulous and will do anything for a shot.

Even still, when it comes to fans behaving badly - those are their mistakes to make. I'm not going to get invested in their behavior beyond being concerned for DD and his comfort/safety. Frankly his security should have been better provided for in that situation, even if it was to call ahead and get a team there for when he landed to ensure things didn't get out of hand.

People who think that turtles showing up in green would stop us from being attacked or would prevent fan wars are deluding themselves. Motos would just move on to the next complaint - the content of the banners, the dolls, or 'shipping', or whatever other issues they have with turtles - until turtles were basically motos and the world was indistinguishable from a world without turtles.

Solos continually try to stamp out any positive fan support turtles show. They even do it with the charitable works that are done in Boxiao's name. Catering to motos won't get anyone anywhere. Of course we should not go to war, but we also should not be afraid to exist and show our support.

LIVE AND LET LIVE. There's never any excuse for fighting and arguing. I also feel there's never any need to berate other fans in lengthy threads such as the ones I've seen on Twitter over the past couple of days. It's just sanctimonious posturing. Are the actual people complained about even reading the post? Unlikely.

And this is something I see in fandom all the time and that I have a whole other rant about in another post in my drafts... people making a huge scene and stirring up a lot of drama around something they think someone else is doing, and then pointing to that same drama they just brought and saying "See! Look at all the drama that person is causing!"

If fans don't want drama about these things then they should just stop bringing it. Block and ignore, and report when appropriate. The world becomes very peaceful when we curate our online experience.

If people find the behavior of others so troubling they should just cut it out of their lives in the exact same way.

I would like to remind any solos who freak out about turtles and our behavior, there are only two people on the planet with the power to shut turtles down, and those boys have remained remarkably silent about us, and if anything have continued to feed us. Solos should reflect on that, sit down and be humble.

[getsusekaii]

There's an hour left til the new year here, so here are my final words to you guys in 2023.

I'm genuinely so glad I came back to tumblr this year. I missed writing so badly, but I also missed just how nice, sweet, open, and friendly the RPC can be most of the time. Ever since I came back here a few months ago, I've had nothing but positive and pleasant experiences. I've met some people who have become instant staples in my life, and satisfied a loneliness I didn't even know I had and felt until I started feeling like I was accepted and wanted. I always try to give that back 10-fold, even tho I'm just one person and stretched thin. If I can even give back all the positivity I've received from being here back to you guys, you know I damn sure did.

I'mma get a lil personal and sappy under a readmore but just know and understand, I appreciate all of you here. I hope 2024 is nothing but kind to you all. I don't pray, but I wish nothing but the best for all of you. I can't thank you guys enough for just existing.

To some people I wanna shout out:

@rake-rake you already know how I feel about you Ase. I can't go a day without talking to you. I never expected that from our first interaction that we would become this close this fast. Every day I'm so thankful that its interacting with you the most that really brought me back to the RPC, and why I enjoy spending time writing as a hobby again. You hear it often, but I must always remind you; you're my favorite writing partner. We mesh so well together and I just get so damn excited doing anything with you. Thank you so much for writing with me. I adore you to the moon and back. I love plotting with you, chatting, making up verses and basically just rewriting Jujutsu Kaisen for our own benefit and happiness. You make my day so much brighter just existing. Thank you so much for being my friend, and I hope we continue to be so into the next year and so forth.

@ntzenin / @ofovertime / @strawdxll / @impishsensei you guys are also the lights of my life. I literally can't help but smile when I talk to you guys either because you're making me laugh, or because I just love talking with you. I love chatting with you guys the times that we do, either in DMs, servers, on the dash or what have you. You all have brought personal smiles to my face, given me advice when I needed someone to talk to, cheered me up when I needed it. Thank you guys so much for being friends with me. I treasure you guys more than I may let on(?)

@cvrseduser / @anvevennad / @ofsavior From people I haven't followed long, to a long time supporter, you guys are super inspirational to me. Your phenomenal writing, taking the characters you write and fleshing them out more, giving them the careful individual attention to detail and such is so ugh. I aspire so much to match ya'll energy when it comes to my writing. I want to be able to chat more personally coming into the new year because you are all joys to watch from afar, or from the few times we have talked. thanks so much for following me, and serving as inspiration to improve my writing. You guys are awesome.

[sword-dad-fukuzawa]

(same kiyomisa anon) MISA DOESNT LOSE!!!! EXACTLY!!!!! YOU GET IT sorry i never see people actually talk about my favorite death note ship this is like drugs to me

im real excited to see what theyre like in the incest au because obv its very different from canon but i think even in canon theyve got this weird thing going on. theyre both playing The Game but it’s not really the same game, kiyo’s getting information and elegantly one-upping her and shit while misa crashes in like a wrecking ball and ruins kiyomi entirely. misa is exactly the type of person kiyomi hates more than anything (in htr she has “likes: intelligent men, dislikes: unintelligent women” okay internalized misogynist) and she HATES that she’s into misa but unfortunately kiyomi is actually normal so she does want misa to have a good time if theyre going to do this (WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY GOING TO DO THIS) and unfortunately this is wildly attractive to misa. amorphous illdefined line!!! exactly!!!!!!! she wants to make her feel good!!!! she goes in thinking oh well if this is happening then i might as well do it so well that i ruin her for any other experience. aughthfhhfjgh

i keep thinking abt your other post that was like kiyomi fucks misa but doesn’t *use* misa at all, and like Yeah. Yeah and it’s especially because kiyomi doesn’t *want* to be attracted to misa (at least not where her character’s at in the manga) so it makes her desire even more genuine because she tries to hide it as opposed to light yagami who is. well you know how light yagami is. anyway it’s five am i hope you are having a good day sword dad fukuzawa

an aside: [snorts] it will always be funny when people refer to me as sword dad fukuzawa because to me that's just. fukuzawa yukichi. in many ways the anime bishounen samurai but also the real actual japanese statesman whose work and impact i've formally had to study. anyway

YES!!!! KIYOMISA TRUTHER!! sorry i really like the idea of misa being a bisexual queen in the closet but requited remisa doesn't quite get my brain turning the way kiyomi takada/misa amane hatesex does. not to spoil the third part of the incest au ("icarian angles," for now) too badly but really is significantly different from canon. misa and taki-chan were high school classmates, for one :] i'm playing fast and loose with the ages huhu.

but yeah, no. misa amane doesn't understand sex with no strings attached. hell, she doesn't understand any relationships that aren't transactional. but it's very pivotal that kiyomi takada doesn't have anything she wants from her. misa amane can't give her anything. more accurately, kiyomi doesn't need anything that misa could possibly give her, and it's a strange dynamic that's so alien to misa that she's intrigued and repulsed by it.

i'm also playing fast and loose with takada's characterization just because i think misa deserves someone to herself, so she's been aged up and plucked out of light's sphere of influence. and for a sprinkle of narrative and character conflict: she's still the princess everyone knows and loves, with a career rocketing off the ground, but she's also a lesbian cruising on the side and she's trying desperately to keep that out of the media limelight. imagine what fucking misa amane is going to do to both of them. anyway.

oh well if this is happening then i might as well do it so well that i ruin her for any other experience.

grins at you. you get it, anon <3

[luckyshotwrites]

Ch. 85 // Idiocy // Day 59

Contents (Warnings): Lynette starts her training (slight angst, vore mentions, character and monster info as always). Read full chapter on A03

Wordcount: 2,138 (Sorry, I've been busy with some irl problems and new puppy!)

Song I correlate to this Chapter: Not found yet!

-------------------------------------------------------------------

(Nov. 25th, Friday)

Lynette

We were still off for Thanksgiving 'weekend'. Work resumed tomorrow, Saturday. So, Wicks took it upon himself to stage our training today.

That's why I was a bouncy, nervous wreck. I never used a weapon to fight someone before. 

I also wasn't thrilled to see Garter coming along. Not because I disliked him, I liked Garter, but I didn't want more people to witness my incompetence.

I don't want them laughing at me later. 

Knife? Wicks hadn't mentioned what the weapon was until now. I can't imagine a stab wound would do anything against them. They could use reversal magic and then crush me into dust.

A hand gently caressed my back, rubbing it firm and reassuringly. It jostled my sweater. "It'll be fine. We are going over the basics today. You need to learn how to handle a knife."

I didn't like the idea of being made into a tub of protein powder.

Lev. My mind whirled back to the blender incident. I knew I'd be fine, physically, yet it was an experience I never wanted again.

The umber-skinned male popped up to meet us. He always wore a cheery smile, "If you do good today, we can get ice cream too."

It's a very tempting incentive. I had to act like it wasn't—Wicks remained on standby. He waited to joke with me about being excited for some ice cream. 

I held it back. "That sounds lovely."

"You're trying too hard, Lentils." Wicks whispered to me.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I raised my chin and crossed my arms. 

"And if you fail today, no ice cream," Garter said. 

"What!"

Wicks pulled his arm back, "Yep. You even have to watch us eat it."

Garter pulled back when the elevator dinged for our floor. "Good idea, Boss. We get ice cream regardless. I like it."

"That's not fair," I whimpered. How can they be so cruel? 

Wicks stepped out first. The elevator itself already looked to be of a higher class with the mirrors behind us and the sheer size, capacity, and trim. However, the inside of the building itself felt eerily imposing. Everything looked to be made from wood, polished and gleaming with an invitation I didn't ask for.

The space felt so vast I imagined it'd fit at least two Naga's comfortably, plus I could see there were several halls that looked to branch in different directions as if they were at the center of a maze.

And worst of all, it was quiet. I didn't hear much coming from any direction, except a light tapping that I couldn't see the owner of.

Another subject that made little sense, despite the ornate details done to the walls and grand arches above, there are no chairs, tables or artwork. Nothing.

I barely took a few steps outside, before Garter threw his head in front of me. "Don't worry, I can sneak you some ice cream if you do badly."

He's sweet. 

"Thanks," I whispered back. 

The mystery behind the tapping was solved.

Garter and I moved out of the way for the thin, stalky male, much like Garter, to scramble forward. He went straight for the elevator. I ducked under the long rolls of papers.

They look like building schematics. Is this place new?

"Oh, sorry!" Their voice left in a timid croak. He flipped back to face us—he huffed, and his short chestnut locks spurred out as rushed as he was. 

"You okay, Zetsu?" Wicks put a hand on my arm and pulled me closer, unconsciously. 

He nodded, then heard the elevator door closing, and blocked it with his foot and body. It made his papers fall from his arms and onto the ground. "Ah!" Garter got the door for him while Wicks and I helped clean up. 

"I'm sorry my head has been spinning lately." I piled a few scrolls into his arms.

Wicks loaded the last scroll, "I also thought you were leading us to our block today?"

His loose smile dropped, "Yes! Good thing you caught me, ha, ha..." he let his head fall to the side. He muttered more apologies under his breath. "You're in block D, and the training weapons are out. I just got called upstairs." He bowed his head, "Thank you, Wicks, and..."

He stopped his bow. His vibrant violet eyes, which reminded me of Zilla and Zane's, inspected every inch of me. I felt like they picked at every detail of me. 

"I don't think we've met?"

"She's a new recruit," Wicks said. 

I was told to pretend Wicks and I didn't know each other and I was a rank, classless.

"Well, hello, I'm Zetsûboooooooo," he attempted to put his hand out to me and almost dropped them all again. I threw my hands against him to help keep them in place. He fixed his grip. "Thank you, and call me Zetsu for short."

"I'm Lynette, nice to meet you, Zetsu." I shared a smile, "No handshakes are necessary. You worry about getting to where you got to go with all of those intact."

As I said that, the elevator door Garter was holding open beeped. 

Zetsu threw himself back into it so it could close. "Okay! Thank you, and nice to meet you too, Lynette!" The door closed after.

"Is he a friend of yours too?" I asked Wicks.

"Kinda..." Wicks shifted his gaze. Garter pulled back from the elevator in toe. 

"Did something happen?" I asked, absentmindedly tugging at his hoodie. Is he dangerous? He seemed fine? I'm not the best judge of character, am I? My head scrolled back to Claudia. I would have never known...

Wicks peered down and gently put his hand on mine. "I'll tell you later." 

Garter walked ahead of us, leading. I released his hoodie. Should I be worried? Did I meet some kind of terrible beast? Why would Wicks not want to talk about it now? Were they something to him before.

My eyes widened, and I gasped, "was that the person you were dating? IT wasn't a LIE!"

Wicks stopped in his tracks. He flicked his head to me immediately, utterly confused.

Garter quickly got to us. He used my head as an armrest and encroached upon Wicks's face. "YOU WERE DATING SOMEONE?!" 

The anxious befuddlement grew on my brother's face. "What are you..." he trailed off. Put his lips together to keep his mouth shut and backed up. 

"You were lying to me!" I exclaimed. Garter was still using my head as a rest. 

He yelled out, putting his hands over his face. "I'M SORRY! I couldn't think of anything else to say that might sound plausible! I couldn't tell you the truth yet."

The fingers he tangled with his hair pulled more strands out, and it fell over his face.

His best friend finally let me move freely. "You shouldn't lie about a bond mate if you're embarrassed. I'm without one, but I carry it with pride." 

"It wasn't for that, Garter!" Wicks pushed himself ahead. "No more talking about this, especially not in the halls. Let's get your training started." 

...

Wicks

I can't hurt her. He didn't realize how hard it would be to simply grab Lynette out of things. 

He constantly hesitated and retreated from any slash she did.

Thus, he called a break so she could keep going over the feel, weight, and motions he taught her. 

"What's the matter, Boss?" Garter questioned. His friend loved getting up close and personal with people and to make himself their "height". Every time you do that, I feel smaller...

"What did I say about-" Wicks cut himself off and exhaled. He wouldn't argue about the 'boss' nickname today. He pressed his back further into the wall. "I'm so afraid I might hurt her."

Garter looked over at Lynette, who had her back to them. She was determined, to say the least, even though her form was subpar at best. Especially when she stood before Wicks or Garter with the training weapon. Her hands shook like a chihuahua outside in a thunderstorm. 

"You put a cloak on her; she'll be fine." Garter gave two thumbs up as reassurance. 

"yeah." Wicks bit the bottom of his lip. I would never go that hard on her, but I don't know why I keep imagining it. "I don't know."

Garter stood up straight. He tilted his head to stare at the high ceiling. Then, a bright grin peeled open his lips, his very subtle incisors were shown. "Let me take over. I'll gladly train her!"

What?! "Garter-"

He didn't even let Wicks rebuttal. 

The tall lad made his way across the grounds and to Lynette. "Hey Lynette, I will be your training partner today instead of Wicks!"

Wicks glanced back and forth between her and Garter. She looks tiny. 

The Oni of the mountains waved both of his hands at him when he saw Wicks's concern. "It'll be fine, boss—I'll go super easy on her! Trust me!"

Lynette peered at her big brother. He wouldn't dare... Garter had a track record of hunting smaller prey. They got most of those urges out with training, yet he still falls victim to it occasionally.

The only reason I even brought Garter was because I promised him we'd get some training in today. "Sounds good." Wicks shouted back. He said it for Lynette's nerves and gave the go ahead to Garter. I'll trust him.

Wicks thought, though he intently watched every motion Garter made. 

So far, his best friend didn't purposefully try to break the cloak; instead, Garter never gave her a chance to strike him. He'd quickly grab her out of a strike, pin her down, disarm her, or hold her arms up so she couldn't attack him.

He's just bullying her. 

Wicks sighed, he undid his ponytail entirely. He pet at his straighter hair. He gathered a few things so far. I should start training her in basic combat too. If she knows how to properly move and hit someone, she'd be more effect with a knife. She's relying on the strikes too much.

Garters tease echoed out in the empty, magic enfused steel room, "Do you like getting caught?"

"No!" Lynette whimpered with slight frustration. "I just never fought anyone before!"

Garter returned her knife after he poked her stomach with it, "Weird. Where I came from, you learn to fight as soon as you can walk." He waited for her to get back into a stance. He did the same. "How about I call you what we do to those who haven't learned to fight yet."

"An insult?"

He snickered, "a ginkoose, which translates to a child with newborn strength." 

Lynette shook her head in protest, "It's not my fault you guys are stronger than me—you guys are monsters."  

"In human cases, most monsters aren't much stronger or faster than humans." Garter laughed and pounced at Lynette, "So you're using excuses~!"

Lynette avoided him and continued to do so. Garter gave chase. It's going better than I thought it would. 

And, of course, as soon as Wicks thought that, he noticed Garter's black hair shifting white and flaring with volume.

Wicks pushed off the wall and ran at them, specifically for Garter. "HEY, GARTER, STOP, DON'T YOU DARE!" He couldn't let his friend try and eat Lynette.

Wicks got to Lynette, yanked her out of the way and took the force of Garter's hand as his case broke. He slammed back into the wall, it wasn't that hard, so at least Wicks knew Garter didn't lose all sense of, 'being gentle'.

Once the Oni realized his mistake, now standing at thirty or so feet tall, his four arms out and one pinning Wicks to the metal wall, he let out a nervous chuckle from between his giant fangs.

"I went a little overboard huh?"

"You think?" Wicks asked with an eyebrow raise.

"Are you okay?" Lynette got closer.

Wicks shot her a glare, warning her not too.

Garter didn't let his grip go, "does this technically mean I win since I trapped you?" His best friend said, "and if it does that mean I can eat you?"

A dastardly laugh broke out of Wicks vocal cords, he stared at Garter, "you're in direct contact with a magus, I'm not unconscious nor even trying to use any magic. Then, after trying to get my sister, you have the audacity to ask me if you can eat me?"

"Yes?" Garter said, plainly.

There was a long pause before Wicks noticed the seriousness on Garter's face, accompanied by the innocent puppy dog eyes. Wicks flailed his legs, "YOU AREN'T GOING TO CONVINCE ME, NOW PUT ME DOWN BEFORE I MAKE A SNACK OUT OF YOUR ENERGY!"

...

Hey, you, thank you so much for reading. I'm glad I put out a story that people can enjoy! I hope you continue to enjoy it as WE have a LOT more to go! YOU BETTER KEEP PROSPERING! (Nonnegotiable, as always~).

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Catch up, see some maps/art, or check the latest release dates down below  ↓ ↓ ↓ 

What I’d do for a Livable Income (Synopsis/Chapter - List)

[bleedingmusk]

I don't usually like to share my personal experiences on social media but this thought is bugging me for quite few months now الله المستعان.

Mental health in Muslim community is been ignored and rejected so badly it's more like a taboo and you're tired of hearing that you get depression because of low Iman and what not.

Few years ago when I was much younger and quite naive I really didn't knew about anxiety, depression and mental disorders in depth I was not in denial but kinda never really experienced anything like that or anyone closer to me suffering from it. Until in 2019 I saw my ex brother (who left Islam) suffering from servere depression, he wouldn't eat, would just force himself to work, couldn't sleep in nights and there was something on his face which would shook me but as I didn't interacted with him so never bothered about it, infact I used to mock him (I know I was wrong) I used to make fun of his mental state because I believed that his depression is because he became atheist it could be true but Allaah knows best why he was depressed, one time my kitten died I was very upset I cried for days and didn't ate for days or turned on lights of my room, apart from praying I basically didn't do anything so he came into my room and said why you're crying over your kitten ain't your Allaah al Hayy ask Him to give back her life (he was mocking my Lord) I fumed with anger and couldn't say anything but crying more I wanted to run away at that moment, then he continued saying oh sorry Muslims don't go into depression right though at that moment I didn't really thought I was depressed in fact I was just upset and after some days overcame my grief Alhamdulillah. But I always mocked his mental health not realising mocking someone is not good even if he's kafir, Allaah would test you with similar situation some day. Fast forward into 2021 I was diagnosed with clinical depression after being in denial for at least 7 month, Alhamdulillah by the help of Allaah and right Islamic counsellor I battled my depression, healing journey wasn't easy at all I would always remember that how I used to mock my ex brother I would remind myself you see the way he couldn't sleep you were unable to sleep too, he couldn't eat you are not able to eat too, etc I repented to Allaah sincerely (May Allaah accept it from me Ameen) Alhamdulillah as I was still in the process of healing I had very low days I still remember one time my neighbour (she was also a Muwahidah) called me one time and asked me why I never join them and stay alone in my apartment, she taunted me and said you don't even have husband or kids you have no responsibility you must be living a happy life, you see I have husband and kids I have many responsibilities still I manage everything I've never been depressed I silently endured her words though they were cutting me into million pieces after she end the call she sent me a text image which reads as follow "A Muslim never gets depressed, try to read Quran, work on your Iman, help others around and something I forgot..." I was really offended but I was patient I didn't said a word but Allaah was witnessing my pain.

After 6 months I was going to move to a different place I visited her before leaving and she said stay over at her place for a day or two who knows when we'd meet again, as her kids loved me so much and I loved them too I didn't hesitated and I stayed for 3 days, By Allaah second day as I was working in her kitchen and kids were playing I hear screams, and cries I got panicked I ran and saw that sister was having a severe panic attack (being a therapist myself at this point) I tried to calm her down I asked her few things and she started to speak that how from past 2 months she's suffering from severe anxiety, she's very depressed but she doesn't know why she's depressed she was crying.. Wallaahi at that point my mind was blown up I couldn't stop but thinking about how she mocked my mental health few months back, that thought wouldn't leave my mind I somehow tried to control my emotions and helped her to feel relaxed.

Wallaahi brothers and sisters don't ever make anyone's fun, don't mock anyone or ridicule anyone's suffering by Allaah you never know when Allaah would test you with exact same thing. If you cannot be kind at least don't be rude, if you cannot understand at least don't misunderstand. Now I understood the depth of the hadith when Rasulullah صلى الله عليه وسلم said "Kindness is the mark of faith."

May Allaah protect us all and grant shifa to all those suffering mentally or physically Ameen.

[pochapal]

The Duality of Self you've noticed in Umineko's characters is pretty interesting! Do you think you could put the characters and what Dualities you've identified in a separate post? I dunno, I think it'd be nice to have them all in one place

sure! i'll list them here for now but i'll also be sure to try and work it into the next writeup whenever i get to it.

so some of the self dualities i've noticed so far are as follows:

-shannon/sayo. probably the most evident self duality given that this girl almost explicitly has two literal selves with different wants, motivations, and emotional responses. shannon is the complicit coping mechanism that lets her endure the horrors, sayo is the repressed outraged true maelstrom of emotions that represents the genuine depths of her desperation.

-george the adult/george the kid. george's main Deal is that he is trying so badly to emulate and assimilate into the Good Businessman Adult role model imposed on him by society and his family. the problem with that of course is that it's a total falsehood mask that does nothing but hurt him when all george really wants to do is have fun and follow his heart in a similar manner to battler.

-natsuhi/ushiromiya natsuhi. natsuhi wants so badly to strive for a hypothetical ushiromiya ideal that she feels she can never reach and because of this despite the fact she's overall pretty good at what she does she denies herself the validation of her identity. rather than realising that ushiromiya natsuhi is literally just the same as regular natsuhi she separates the two and places herself under a burden that is only eased when someone higher up in the hierarchy (kinzo) validates her existence.

-jessica/the ushiromiya heir. jessica fares better than most when it comes to knowing who she is and what she wants but she's equally trapped by the expectation that the rest of her life will be dictated by her being someone she's not. the tension here is that every part of her will never be a true ushiromiya successor and i think she struggles a little with the fact that she Cannot accept herself becoming a person everyone demands that she becomes.

-kanon the human/kanon the furniture. less of an internal struggle because it's pretty clear that motivation wise kanon is not operating out of pure service to kinzo and the household. however, despite all his bitterness and scheming, what is interesting is that kanon only thinks of himself as kanon, his servant's name. he acts in deeply human ways, but he never connects with his more human self.

-maria/witch!maria. not sure what to call this but maria clearly experiences a total shift in expression/self-perception when she gets to enter the world of beatrice and magic. the emulation of what she imagines beatrice to be like is almost a 180 to the version of maria that exists outside this context. even battler remarks on a couple occasions that it's like maria "becomes a completely different person".

-rosa. i don't have a neat name for rosa's dichotomy but there's this definite tension where i think on some level rosa genuinely tries to live up to the Good Aunt And Mother image she projects for everybody to see but her true emotional core, as damaged and spiteful as it is, cannot help but continue to hurt and abuse maria. she pretends to be competent but she's still the weak doormat of the ushiromiya siblings. she can't be who she wants other people to think she is.

-hideyoshi. minor one but hideyoshi's put-upon accent as part of a very deliberate crafting of a facade that doesn't reflect his genuine self when entering into the world of business. his falsehood doesn't extend that far because he's unable to accept a western style of living, so his front will always only ever be shallow.

-nearly all the ushiromiya siblings have their inner child rule their psyche and take over during the conference. decades old power dynamics come to light, and the true messed up part of the argument is that it's essentially a bunch of wounded children scheming to sabotage each other because the damage was never able to heal.

-final one that's not really a dichotomy of self because it's not intrinsic and is also way more than a duality is beatrice. beatrice is a name that is applied to a million and one entities. the ghost story of rokkenjima. the concocted backstory of kinzo's wealth. a war bond. a wealthy sponsor from a bygone age. the golden witch. maria's fantasy. the person sowing the seeds for murder. beatrice as a concept is expressed through so many contradictory facets that it's impossible to draw a clear throughline of what the True Beatrice looks like, if such a person can be said to even exist, or "exist".

[nuclearjacks]

13, 15, 23 for ask game 👀

13. A character or ship you haven’t drawn/written for yet but would like to someday?

MegaRod 100%. They're one of my favorite ships in the TF fandom but god I can't believe I've never made content for them ;-;

I have one spicy wip that's been laying around in my folders since 2022, and was going to make a comic for a zine I had to drop out of with hints of MegaRod but it's all stuff I never got around to or never finished. I need to fix that in the future >:)

They are my beloveds who are such beautiful mirrors of one another, on top of I relate so heavily with their characters for one reason or another so they mean a lot to me <3

15. Have you noticed your style change over time?

Absolutely! It's much easier to notice the changes over a larger amount of time like my art now vs my 2021 art. You can see the drastic change in my lineart and especially with my shape work and how saturated my colors are now pictured below vvv

But there's definitely still some changes I've been noticing here and there in the past year, much more subtle and much more gradual. I've been improving on my speed and simplification of designs into my style, especially with Transformers. And I've also been getting a lot better with backgrounds/actually adding backgrounds in now bdavbdkvb not to mention, experimenting with lighting and learning about things like sub-surface scattering, reflective lighting, ambient lighting and a whole bunch of pretty overwhelming concepts tbh sdbksdbv

This year so far has mostly been a lot of experimenting and much more experimenting to come and I'm excited to see what my style evolves into next : )

23. Has your favourite character/ship changed over time?

Probably more my understanding of my favorite characters and ships.

I still ADORE MegOp and the mix of tragedy, pining and fluff it is but my understanding and interpretation of their characters has changed drastically from when I first entered this fandom at 18, now 23.

There were definitely influences from my anime fandom days where I thought "Orion is so baby and is a precious cinnamon roll who couldn't hurt a fly, lookit how smol he is with his big beefy warrior boyfriend who protecs him" to "Orion is a capable character who, while naive about the world, could be just as smart as Megatronus and in doing so created a whole other faction that inadvertently worked alongside a corrupt political system that Megatronus was trying to deconsruct" (Also not hating on anyone who still likes character interpretations like the first, it's just not my thing that much anymore personally kjbdvksbv)

I still like the concept of big beefy warrior boyfriend protecting his small librarian (cause c'mon that's just fun ksdbvksdb), but I merge it with my larger understanding of the classism themes, alongside the inherent religious themes of Optimus becoming a Prime that I'm such a bitch for kdbsdkjbv

Same goes for Rodimus in MTMTE. He went from "Haha he's just like me fr, lookit this ADHD baby who can't focus for a second haha he always forgets paperwork and has never done wrong I don't see how someone can hate him" to "Rodimus has done so much wrong and that's what makes him an insanely relatable character. People hate him because he's genuinely fucked up so bad and placed blame on everyone but himself because he wants so badly to be the hero of the story instead of the person everyone sees as the 'fuck up'. The fact he keeps trying to live up to a title that's bullshit and to a person (Optimus) who doubts himself every second of the day and doesn't see how fucked his own lineage actually is because the person he looks up to most is hiding things just like him and has fucked up just like he has, as has every other prime before him. But damn it, he's going to try and do better this time, he has to. Also he's so ADHD-coded it's not even funny."

Tldr: I merge the simpler concepts I loved when I was younger with the more complex concepts I love now that I'm older to create a nuanced narrative of the characters and their relationships while being a self indulgent fangirl skbgsbbihuft

[lesbian-ed]

Hi. I don't know if this blog is still active but in case it is I was hoping maybe to hear some thoughts from you, or maybe even your followers, about confidence and comfort towards one's own body. Like how to deal with anxiety. I am lesbian, obviously female, way too old, I've never had sex, or even really dated. I don't approach people romantically because I hate my body and distance myself from all chances for dating. I've been trying to lose weight but I've struggled with obesity practically all my life. I also think I'm much hairier (I mean it's everywhere and I'm not light haired either omg) than what is normal for most women, and I hate both shaving and just letting the hair grow. I have more or less given up on dating because I don't want people to see me naked or get close to me. Sometimes I feel I'm content but sometimes I feel this isn't healthy: it concerns me that my hatred for my body is keeping me from experiencing intimacy, and how long can that go on until it becomes psychologically damaging. Though who am I kidding - the damage's been done. I understand that people of all shapes and sizes etc. date, fall in love and so on, but I have this deep-rooted discomfort about my body that I've felt since I was around twelve. So I was hoping to hear some thoughts or experiences on how one might overcome this kind of persistent disgust, though I understand if this isn't the kind of ask you wanna answer. In any case thank you for reading.

Hi! I'm sorry this ask has been sitting in our inbox for a few months, unfortunately we don't always still have the time or energy to go through the asks anymore. I wanted to answer this, and I know it's so late but here's to hoping you might wander back here someday, and that this may help you, or another woman who feels similary.

I shared this view for a really long time (so much so, I identified as trans for a long time. I never felt "woman enough" because of my body). I struggled with being fat, hairy, "unwomanly".

When I was in school all of my friends got attention from boys and men, and I never peaked anyone's interest. Even though I didn't want to be with boys, I still craved that attention, I thought there was something wrong with me for being someone who no one would ever want. I punished myself with no eating, too much eating, self harm.

For me, what finally clicked was when I was first introduced to radical feminism, and through that I started thinking about the concept of inherent worth. I knew all women had inherent worth for being women, for being alive. I knew I had empathy and care for all women, regardless of thei appearance, and I thought they all deserve respect. That eventually led to the radical realization that if I think all women are worthy, then I must extend this to myself. I am woman, just as any other. And my external appearance doesn't change my self worth.

It really helped to stop seeing what is considered "ugly" as a negative thing, and rather to think of it as neutral, inconseqential, of no value. Instead of looking at all that was "wrong" with me as a bad thing, I took all power from it. I knew that I would never think badly of other women who looked like me, so why would I be the only exception?

Slowly, I was able to take away all the weight I put into my appearance, and became more neutral. Don't get me wrong, I'm not magically healed. There are still days where I'm reminded of all the ways that I don't fit into society's expectations for what a woman should be. I'm reminded of how terrified my mom was and still is that I'd end up staying fat. I'm reminded of aunts and uncles comenting on me losing and gaining weight since I was as young as 6 or 7. I know that being hairy, with dark body hair all over, is not the standard for what's attractive.

But those days have less weight in the grand scheme of things because no longer is my focus in life to be palatable. And I don't mean to come off like I have all the answers, that my way is the only way. I know this is not an easy journey.

But I think in order for you to start seeing yourself as someone who is worthy of desire, of love, of care, first you've got to see yourself as human. The more I look back at how people treated me growing up, at how people still treat me now, the truth is that society doesn't see "ugly" women as people. We are dehumanized, objectified as clutter, things in the way of what is "right".

I'm sure you're a kind and nice person. Look at yourself from the outside in, look at yourself as you'd look at someone else: what would you say to yourself then? Would you really think so badly of you then?

Be patience. I understand we have a lot telling us that we are not good enough, that aging is bad, that we have expiration dates. But as long as you are around, you are human, you are worthy of kindness.

Regarding the romantic aspect of this, I used to share your anxiety, that no one would want to look at me naked, that I would never feel comfortable undressing in front of someone. But then I met my girlfriend, and she made me feel so comfortable with myself that when we finally met and the time came to share intimacy... It just happened so organically, so naturally. It wasn't a performance, it was caring for each other. Not once did she look at me with disgust, not once was she anything but kind. I don't think it's just because she's some saint. I think when you care about someone, attraction comes naturally, and you don't separate body and mind. You just know that is your person, and you want them fully.

So maybe slowly working on allowing others to see you for who you are, not physically, but like.... Your personality. Open up. It doesn't need to be going on dating apps. It's just... surround yourself with women. Be around other women, love them, let them love you.

Things move slow, but self care can be just allowing a friend to tell you you're a good person. Accept compliments, even when your instinct is to tell others that they're wrong. Be kind to yourself. You deserve kindness, there is nothing about the way you look that is inherently wrong.

Posting this here so hopefully we'll hear from others as well, and hopefully you'll catch this one. Take care. Be well. You deserve good things, just because you're human, just because you're there.

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

hi!!! so i have been following your YouTube channel since (checks calender) 2018 so it's been a while, and I'm a huge fan, just a lil shy (you're so cool holy shit, your writing is mind blowing, aaaaaa), so ANYWAY the point of this ask is, body back sounds awesome, might i request some more vibes perhaps 👀👀👀

Omg hi!!!! I could cry to learn someone’s been watching my videos for so long 😭 thank you for all your support!! ❤️ when people think I’m cool it makes me v excited because I’m really just a little gremlin IRL! Happy you like my writing & appreciate all the engagement!

Of COURSE I can send more vibes for BB! First, here's just an excerpt because I'm about to go ham under the cut lol:

The pool he floats in belongs to a young couple. The man works real estate according to the signs Harrison’s seen of his face peppered around the neighbourhood. He’s wondered if that’s ever humiliating, to constantly see pixelated versions of yourself everywhere. But that doesn’t matter. His wife walks dogs in her free time, which means always. Last week, Harrison watched her jog with a vizsla, and just yesterday she spent the morning on their gable-roofed veranda brushing a wispy Alaskan malamute. That was the same veranda Harrison passed on his way to their yard’s fence. Perhaps they wanted someone to do what he did: hook his boot into the crisp rung of their gate, then swing right over. Why else would it have been so easy?

More in-depth BB rambles under here!

CW: drug addiction, mental illness, violence & suicide.

This project is taking over me right now, which might be a way of my brain procrastinating finishing Seventh Virtue (LOL), but I’ve learned to just lean into the hyperfixation so we’re here now!

I really felt drawn to write BB because of this extremely complex thing Harrison goes through in Moth Work that unbeknownst to 17-year-old Rachel who wrote it, she reaaaaaallllly relates to now at 21. I've been unable to stop thinking about this since re-reading MW, because I somehow profoundly represented this experience at 17 that I'm now undergoing at 21.

Harrison is supporting someone who needs a LOT of help (at this point in MW, Lonan’s been an addict for about 3 years, is chronically depressed, is in a constant disocciated state, has attempted suicide twice in less than a year). He feels responsible for this because he loves this person very much--he WANTS to help Lonan. But I don't think he realizes how much effort this will entail and that he himself doesn't have the sole power to "fix" anything. But he’s so young—how long can he handle this before he himself breaks?

The answer is: not long! One could say Harrison’s fatal flaw in MW is not wanting to change. He doesn’t WANT to leave Lonan behind because he doesn't WANT to lose him, he doesn’t WANT a relationship with his mom, Suzanna. At the same time, his life is at this tenuous impasse: things CANNOT sustainably continue in the state they're in, but he's terrified of them changing. And by the end of the book, both of those things happen—it’s his arc. The loose end is the prior point: he's terrified of change, but now the change has happened.

What I want to do in BB is take that loose end and light it on fire. I want to show what happens when that change happens. It's NECESSARY change, but in this moment, feels like the worst decision possible. BB is about the in-between space of being in a destructive relationship & eventually putting yourself first. For Harrison, the experience is extremely messy. He craves intimacy badly but has no idea how to love anyone but Lonan. He craves independence but is also scared of it: how do you start your own life when the last few years have been focused on someone else's?

In Moth Work, he creates the beginnings of a relationship with a man named Jeremiah (to be clear: H&L aren’t dating in MW, they never canonically actually date unlike how I make it sound LOL, only in the Seventh Virtue AU are they a couple!). Jeremiah is a really interesting character in Harrison's life because he represents something "normal." Here's when Harrison meets him in MW:

The motel is named after a dead woman—The Greta Arquette. Harrison discovers this while absently thumbing through a brochure at the empty front desk. The lobby is decorated with vintage clocks and floral wallpaper and it makes sense—the woman it’s dedicated to died at 92. He’s on page six when a young man with an earring and a hair pick appears behind the desk.

Harrison shuts the brochure and slots it back into the display. “Can I get a room?” he asks, already fumbling for his wallet.

“Long ride?”

The clerk—Jeremiah, according to his nametag—smiles. His skin glows amber under the lanterns hung from the ceiling, and his hair looks too good for 2AM. The collar of his uniform pastes underneath his sweater, and it’s almost charming, this unnoticed mistake.

Wait up for my video later today (3PM EST!!) where I literally in-depth analyze a couple scenes with Jeremiah (since I talk more about this there), but essentially, Harrison gets a small taste of what it might be like to be a "typical" 21-year-old here. It entails dancing with people you think are cute, enjoying each other's company without doing anything at all, going to breakfast, etc... All things he and Lonan have never done.

In BB, I want to show the breakdown of this "normal" relationship as Harrison more and more self-destructs to self-preserve. He literally cannot handle this change he's incited--who is he at all without Lonan? He doesn't know, and he can't handle that he doesn't know, so he "goes bad." There's brief mentions of this turn in Feeding Habits where Harrison addresses he was a bit of a disaster when he and his mother lived in Las Vegas, which is why his main goal in FH is to "restart" in NYC (and it's why he also gets destructive again in NYC when his second reboot fails).

I always knew elements of what happened to Harrison in Las Vegas, but didn't know the extent. In FH, the only element we're certain of is when he runs into the same woman Lonan runs into in ch. 6 of Moth Work. He essentially ends up being beat up badly, which for him (mostly his mother, Suz) is the last straw and what makes them pack up to NY.

It was only later, when he stumbled, bloody knuckled, through their front door, stepping over partygoers and martini glasses, that he understood. He hadn’t come to the party thinking about Lonan but managed to attract the same people. He hadn’t drunk the magenta liquid thinking about him but managed to exit the house stumbling, as Lonan did, his knees knotted like a newborn lamb's. There was something inconceivably indissoluble about them—their bond mirror-like, one making a decision, and the other mimicking it with vigour somewhere else, unknowingly inseparable.

But I've been wanting to write what happened BEFORE this, in the time between, which is what BODY BACK is going to be! Here's an excerpt from FH (ft. Jeremiah) that takes place during this timeline:

They saw each other in brief, neon stints. Drinking in his one-bedroom, after Jeremiah’s shifts at The Greta Arquette—a dingy motel—clattering, limb by limb, under his Styrofoam disco ball and calling it dance. They knew each other so little but so well. Where each groove of skin and bone on the other’s body was, what limbs could notch so perfectly together, like nubs of old soap fused together.

The vibes are going to be pretty much the above! Mirror balls, pop music, drugs in misty rooms, eat the rich, etc.

I've been excited to write this story because it shows a side of Harrison I only barely understood when I wrote Feeding Habits. It's actually why Feeding Habits was IMPOSSIBLE for me to write, because I was still seeing Harrison in "caretaker" mode when he actually was rejecting that fully. I wasn't used to seeing him make bad decisions. For all accounts, Harrison is a terrible person in FH. He takes advantage of his mother's kindness, he disappears to scare her, he's self-medicating, he's inviting Reeve to his place under the guise of catching up with an old friend when he actually doesn't care at all about her and only wants to see a glimpse of Lonan's face, he's stealing from the vulnerable, and doesn't want to stop any of it. FH is really Harrison's destruction arc, and BB is going to explore HOW that happened--what triggered those events?

I'd always seen Lonan as the "issue" in their relationship. This was natural in a lot of ways since Lonan started out as a literal villain (lol), but also mostly because I emotionally related to him most back when I was writing him. ALLL my negative emotions and struggles went right to him. It's why Lonan was my favourite character all throughout my teenage years. What I didn't expect is that at the age they're at in this book (21), I'd suddenly understand Harrison on a very, very different level. This is also another reason I want to write this like NOW because I'm 21 and in a similar (albeit wayyyy less dramatic) era. Is this sort of going to be autofiction, maybe!

I think in MW, Harrison doesn't feel much like an "adult" yet. in BODY BACK, he KNOWS he's an adult, and goes a little too hard knowing he can do whatever the hell he wants. If Harrison can do what he wants, it means he can reclaim himself even if it means destruction along the way. What's he willing to do to get his body back?

That's a q to ponder!

It's going to be lots of fun! LOL