#and I'm trying to be authentic but I don't know what that looks like anymore and I'm trying to piece it together but

[rawbones]

i REALLY want to get more piercings but man. man. i have to actually think in terms of having a sustainable career here

[itsahotminuteinbetween]

trying to be okay because if I'm not I don't know what I'll do

[stardustpr1ncess]

Bonzle is 100% without a shadow of a doubt a trans allegory. People have been trying their best to say Sora isn't transcoded, but Bonzle is 2 scenes away from looking at the camera and saying "Hello. I'm a trans allegory." I shall now go into detail on every piece of evidence for this claim because fuck you.

EPISODE 5: Bonzle is afraid of how her found family will react to learning she's a spell (trans) and worries she will be rejected because of it. Easy parallel to trans people being afraid of revealing they're trans post transition. There's also her conversation with Bitch Boy Master Wu, with her saying she feels great loneliness, and only after gaining a physical form (transitioning) she feels happy and her true self. Very common trans experience. Gonna also put all of the quotes for my evidence as well since I know there's transphobes (filth) that like Ninjago and will be scrambling to deny it when people start coming to this conclusion too.

"Bonzle: I-- I was afraid of what you'd think if you knew about my past... Wu: It's called loneliness... Bonzle: I feel like, for the first time ever, I've become who I was destined to be... Bonzle: I was afraid if you found out I wasn't a real person, you wouldn't want me to be in our family anymore."

EPISODE 6: Bonzle is apprehensive about meeting with Gandalaria, seeing as how she's only known Bonzle as a spell, aka pre transition. She worries if she will respect her identity, much like how actual trans people fear how their family, more specifically a parental figure, would react. Bit of a light episode but an important aspect, here's the quotes;

"Bonzle: The Sorceress. She only knows me as a spell. What if she doesn't believe in me as a real person?"

EPISODE 7: This episode is the sauce. Bonzle is reunited with Gandalaria and their conversation is nothing short of magical. Gandalaria immediately recognizes Bonzle, saying she was her greatest creation and had always hoped she'd come home, shattering Bonzle's fears. It's a fantastic contrast, showing how this interaction can go well for some people, while others get an interaction much more akin to Sora's parents. When she's informed of Bonzle's chosen name, Gandalaria immediately starts using it, saying it's a great name. However, for that juicy authenticity, Gandalaria accidentally says spell before quickly correcting herself saying Bonzle. IT'S LITERALLY SO FUCKING OBVIOUS BONZLE'S BONES MIGHT AS WELL BE BLUE PINK AND WHITE. Oh yeah, here's the paragraph of quotes;

"Gandalaria: It's you! My dearest! You've come home! Bonzle: You... You recognize me? Even in my boney physical form? Gandalaria: Oh, I would know your true essence anywhere. Bonzle: I was so afraid you wouldn't accept me for who I am now. Gandalaria Are you kidding? I put my heart, my soul into every spell I weave... The most complex spell I've ever woven, and the first of my creations to ever come back to me!.. Bonzle: I'm Bonzle. That's the name I chose when I became a person. Gandalaria: Well, that's a splendid name... If this Ras times it right, he could reverse the power spell-- uh, Bonzle here--."

EPISODE 9: This episodes importance comes from Jordana, who acts EXACTLY how transphobes do. She constantly calls her a spell (some sort of derogatory term), says she's playing person (like pretending to be a girl), and says she's helping her do what she was made for, like transphobes very creepy beliefs in reproduction. Literally you half expect Jordana to ask which bathroom Bonzle uses since she was a spell. THE QUOTES;

"Jordana: Settle down, spell. I don't know what you think you've been doing, playing person with your fake family, but I know your true purpose... You should thank us. We're helping you to do what you were created to do."

In conclusion the silly lego skeleton girl is one of them spooky transgenders. Lmk if there's anything I missed. Thank you for reading.

[starstruckmiraclekitty]

Wait but I need to know how the 141 boys would react to reader faking an orgasm 🤭

Ps, love your writing!!! I check your bag daily

141 + König Reacting To Reader Faking An Orgasm

Thank you so much for your kind words!!! I love to know when people enjoy reading what I write🩷🩵

Warnings: slight smut, p in v sex, slight angst, swearing, tears, and mentions of insecurity--ends in fluff

I didn't make this super smutty, made it slightly serious!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Simon Ghost Riley-

Simon honestly didn't mean to find it. He was walking by to finish with laundry and saw your journal laying on your vanity, wide open to a page talking about Simon. He was only human and couldn't control his curiosity as he skimmed over some of the words on the page. What he read had his heart sinking into his stomach.

He approached you about it later that night, his heart beating wildly as he was terrified of what you may say about it.

"Love?" Simon asked, hesitantly stopping in the doorway of your bedroom. His heart melted at the concerned look you gave him. "Can we talk?"

"Sure, Si. Is everything okay?" You asked, patting the bed next to you. Much to your dismay, Simon stayed where he was, his eyes glued to the floor.

"I was putting away laundry earlier, and.. I caught a glimpse of your diary." Simon started, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. You watched on, as he struggled to find the words. "I swear I didn't mean to look, but I saw that.. You've not had a real orgasm in months. That you were..faking them..for me."

Your heart stopped beating for a moment as you absorbed your husband's words. You never, ever meant for him to see that, and you didn't know what to say.

"I..." You trailed off as tears began to fall down your cheeks. "It's not you."

"Don't give me that, kid. If I can't please my own wife in bed, it is my fault. I'm so sorry." Simon's voice was barely above a whisper as he sat on a chair across from you. He put his head in his hands, still unable to look at you as his thoughts raced. Did you not want to be with him anymore? Did you finally realize that you could do better?

"Simon Riley, I meant it when I said it's not you. I've just...I've not been myself lately. I've got so much going on in my head, and my self-image has suffered because of it. I don't find myself beautiful anymore, and it's hard for me to believe you want me during sex."

Simon walked over to you and proceeded to climb over your figure on the bed. He pressed a gentle kiss to your jaw before looking deeply into your eyes. "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever set my eyes on, Y/N. Let me show you."

"Simon, please don't feel like you have to. I feel like such a burden and-" He cut you off from your rambling by pressing his thumb against your lips.

"I want to. Let me take care of you." The look he gave you in that moment sent heat barreling down to your core, and you couldn't help the soft moan that escaped your lips.

His hand wandered into the waistband of your pants and groaned when he felt the wetness pooling in your folds. "I want you to cum on my tongue, sweet girl."

"Please, Si."

And that was all he needed to hear.

Konig-

König was exhausted, and you knew that as well as he did. The two of you had been at it for a while now, and no matter what you or König did, your orgasm was far beyond your grasp.

You could feel Königs pace start to falter, as he'd continued going long after he'd found his own high in order to help you find yours.

You felt terrible, and you could tell he was desperately trying to keep a steady pace. You'd ended up just giving up on trying to find your own high, and decided to give your lover a break.

"Gonna cum, Kö." You breathed out, doing your best to authenticate an orgasm. You let out a small squeal, throwing your head back against the pillow as you forced your body to shake slightly.

König stopped his movements and looked down at you with a concerned look on his face. "Maus?"

You looked up at him questioningly. "Yeah?"

"Did....did you just fake it?" König asked, his voice quivering slightly. König had been with you for a few months now, and he knew how it felt when you had an orgasm, so he knew that you didn't just have one.

"I..." Your cheeks burned with embarrassment as you averted your eyes from your lover's inquisitive gaze. "I'm so sorry."

"Was I..not good enough?" König looked like he was on the verge of tears, and it tore your heart in two.

"No, no, that's not it at all, baby." You cooed, your hand reaching out to cup his cheek softly. "I just.. I feel so bad. I know you're tired, and it takes a lot for me to cum. I didn't want to impose."

Königs eyes softened at your words. "Maus, don't ever feel like it's imposing on me. I don't care if I didn't get sleep for days, making you cum is something that makes me feel good."

"It's really okay, Kö. I just dont think it's going to happen for me tonight. I'm not sure why, but I'm just not feeling it." Your eyes turned downward, looking anywhere but your boyfriend. "I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize, Schatz. It's okay." He spoke softly as he pulled himself out of you. He let out a hiss, his overstimulated cock throbbing from the cold air. "Follow me."

He stood up, and made his way to the bathroom, and the sound of the tub faucet running had you trudging your way over to him. "What are you doing?"

"Running us a bath, love."

~

You settled yourself against him in the tub, letting the warm water soak into your skin. König chuckled at the sigh that escaped your lips. His hands made their way to your shoulders, kneading into the knots that had formed there.

"K-Kö, you don't have t-to." You stuttered, your eyes falling shut as you relished in his touch.

"Hush, Maus. Let me take care of you tonight."

Kyle Gaz Garrick-

Kyle's pace was brutal as he continued to chase his high. His hands grasped at yours, putting them over your head as he pounded into you.

You knew he was getting close, and you also knew that you were nowhere near your release. You felt his abdomen tightening, and threw your head back, your mouth opening in a silent "o".

With a final snap of his hips, he let out a guttural moan as his orgasm rippled through him. You shivered slightly as you felt his cock pulsing inside of you, the warmth of his cum filling you.

He looked down on you as his breath began to steady itself. "Did you not cum?"

"I did." You nodded, confused by the look on your lover's face. "Why?"

"Babe, if you didn't cum, it's okay, you can tell me." Kyle sat up, his tone serious, which let you know that he knew the truth. You weren't yourself tonight, and he knew you better than you thought.

"I'm so sorry, I just... I can't get in the mood tonight, and I... I didn't want to hurt your feelings." You felt your eyes grow hot with tears as you averted your gaze.

"Don't ever apologize, sweetheart. You can always tell me if you're not in the mood. I don't ever want you to feel like you have to have sex. I'm a grown man, I can go without it. Just being around you is enough for me." He said, pulling your chin upwards, forcing you to look at him.

"But... but I lied." You stuttered, not understanding how Kyle wasn't upset with you.

"I know, but I get it. I'm not mad at all, babe. I promise." He pulled out of you slowly, before grabbing a towel off the side of the bed to wipe you off.

He climbed into bed, pulling you against him. He pressed a warm kiss to your lips, causing you to sigh against him. "I love you, Y/N. Don't ever forget that."

"I love you too, Kyle." You replied, pulling back with a smile.

"I will say, though. Tomorrow? You're not leaving this bed until I get you to cum at least twice."

Johnny Soap MacTavish-

"Fuck, fuck I'm so close." Johnny grunted as his eyes fluttered shut. Your walls were hugging around his length in such a way that Johnny wasn't able to prolong his orgasm any longer. "Cum with me, babe."

You felt terrible, you didn't know what to do. You'd not been close all night to reaching your high, and you didn't have the heart to tell your boyfriend. "Cumming, Johnny."

You shook your body slightly as his thrusts faltered slightly as he came inside you, his cum painting your walls white as he moaned softly into your ear. He took a moment to compose himself before looking down at you with a concerned gaze. "Babe, did you cum?"

"Yeah?" You were concerned that he knew, as quickly averted your eyes from his gaze.

"Y/N, honey, you don't have to fake it for me. I know sometimes it takes more than just sex to get you off, and that's okay." He stroked your cheek gently, wiping away the stray tears that began to fall.

His gaze dropped to your lips before pressing his own to them. The kiss started slow, your mouths moving in tandem before he slid his tongue into your mouth.

"I just don't know why I couldn't tonight. I don't know what will help. I feel like such a jerk."

"You're not a jerk, Bonnie. Not at all." He gazed deeply into your eyes as he spoke. "I just want to make you feel good."

You let out a soft groan, your arms moving to encompass his shoulders, pulling him down toward you.

He broke away from the kiss, and you watched as his fingers began to toy with your clit. He chuckled softly as he watched your face scrunch together in pleasure. He rolled your clit in between his fingers, before plunging them into your hole.

"I'm going to make you cum tonight, if it's the last damn thing I do."

John Price-

"I know Y/BF/N. I don't know how to tell him, though. It's not like he's not good in bed, he really is. I just dont know why I havent been able to cum latley." Your voice was quiet, but unfortunately for you, John was passing by the room right as you said those words.

John stopped in his tracks as he looked into your shared bedroom and saw that your head was in your hands. He swallowed thickly, unsure of what to do with the newfound information. He was just about to walk away, when you caught a glimpse of him through the crack in the door.

You quickly hung up with your friend and ran to throw open the door. There was an awkward pause before you mustered the courage to speak.

"John, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for you to hear that." You felt tears pricking in the corners of your eyes, your humiliation seeping through your voice. "I just.. I was so ashamed to tell you."

"Don't apologize, love. It's nothing to be embarrassed about, either." John pulled you into a hug and pressed a kiss to your hair. "You've been extra stressed with work latley, and I know my coming and going for my work hasn't helped either."

"I still feel terrible. I just didn't know how to tell you. It's not that I don't want it, I really do, I just... I didn't know why it was so hard for me to find my release." You sniffled, hugging John tighter.

"Don't feel terrible. Next time, just tell me, yeah? I should've known they weren't real. You get this cute little fucked out face when you cum, I haven't been seeing it latley." He chuckled, before pulling away from you slightly. "You know what this means, though, right?"

"No, what?" You asked, peering up at your boyfriend.

John gave you a wolfish grin before pushing you backward onto the bed. He climbed over top of you, lifting the hem of your nightgown to reveal your lower half to him.

With his eyes locked on you, he pulled aside your panties before plunging his face into your core. His tongue immediately went to flick through your folds, collecting the pool of wetness that had begun to form. You let out a surprised gasp, your hands flying to John's hair.

"Means I'm gonna stay here all night til my baby girl cums for me, for real."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: thanks for reading!

[cringefailvox]

overlord husk aus are very interesting to me in part because they present such a radically different vision of the huskerdust dynamic that is very compelling to me. present-day husk and angel are exhausted. these are people genuinely at rock bottom, who have been so worn down and chipped away at by the long, dragging stalemate of their circumstances that they have nothing left to give but their bare minimum selves. which is okay, and it's enough for them; a lot of what makes their dynamic so interesting is that it's about two people at their lowest rediscovering what it feels like to not be alone down there, to even begin thinking about the possibility of climbing out of the deep dark hole they've made their peace with now that they won't be doing it by themselves.

in contrast, overlord husk aus imagine a version of husk and angel before they were losers together. they imagine versions of them that haven't been beaten down all the way just yet: husk at the height of his greed and power and reckless addictions, angel riding the high of his stardom while adamantly refusing to peel back the surface and acknowledge the rot. both of them still digging the hole and saying to themselves, "i've got a ladder, i'm not going to get stuck. i can always climb back out."

and having these two meet at this stage in their lives, i think they would really, really not make each other better. husk's consideration for the souls on his chain had to have been close to zero for him to use them as gambling chips the way he did, especially the recklessly self-destructive way he did that ended with his own soul in alastor's pocket. and i imagine that for a long time, angel lived in total willful denial about val's escalating abuse and the toll his increasingly demanding job was taking on him, because acknowledging it would be tantamount to making it real, making it something that could actually hurt him and not just be rationalized away, and so of course he'd put off doing that for as long as he could.

if husk had actually won angel's soul, it wouldn't have been any different from all the other people he traded back and forth across his table just for the illicit thrill of the game. angel probably would've had a whole sunk-cost freakout about it (what was the point of all that pain and suffering and lack of autonomy if all the consequences are coming from a stranger now and not val? when it isn't personal? and now he can't even claim a little bit of power back by saying he chose it, because he didn't.) angel knows full well what it looks like when someone is going to kill themselves with their addictions, but what obligation does he have to the guy who would just as quick give him up to somebody else if it gave him an adrenaline rush? nothing, that's what, and he has enough of his own problems anyway.

crucially, they're both INCREDIBLY self-absorbed. not even in a conceited or vain way, but just in that they're so wrapped up in their own mess that they can't see beyond it, they don't have any space for empathy, and furthermore, they have no reason to even try.

it's why the version of their dynamic we get in canon works so well—they're in the same place now, at just the right time to finally start opening up their worlds to how they affect other people (angel watching charlie interact with val at the studio; husk being forced by alastor to engage with the hotel's residents as the bartender). there's space for empathy in their lives now, because they've finally been brought so low that they can't hide anymore, can't look away, can't deny how completely and totally fucked they are. it's a kind of brutal honesty that can only really come from confronting your absolute worst-case scenario. but for them to even begin connecting with each other in any authentic sense, they needed to have the ladder taken away so they could finally bring themselves to stop digging, look up, and realize there's been someone down here with them all along.

[scatteredpiecesofme]

Favourite background character - or, justice for Alexander!

Since I was a bit disappointed by how Alexander's character was treated in S3, I decided to celebrate him as my favourite background character for the YRFavesFest2024. He deserves some love!!

"... anyone here who has been bullied, hit, beaten up?"

I'll start with this scene from 03.02, which I think is filmed and edited very cleverly.

At first the focus is on Vincent who's giving his little speech, while Alex is in the background and a bit blurred, but we can still detect him making big side eyes at Vincent. And how could he not? He, of all people, knows very well that bullying is a real thing at Hillerska.

At this point, before Vincent even finishes his sentence, the camera cuts on Alex - who now is on focus and at the centre of the frame - right on the words 'hit, beaten up':

I'm not reading this as a suggestion that Alex has ever been physically beaten up, but his posture and his eyes towards the floor perfectly convey the image of someone who feels beaten, if only emotionally.

And then Henry chimes in:

Henry is naively incredulous, but his comment must sound dismissive to Alex, who raises his eloquent eyes up again: sure as hell, he does not think that the story is overblown at all. No matter if the tradition of the porn/homophobic initiations was stopped and present day students don't go through it anymore, Alex understands that it's something totally believable.

It's just a quick sequence and Alex is clearly not meant to be the main focus of this scene as a whole, but his presence in the background and Xiao excellent ability to speak without words add further layers to the scene itself and make it even more meaningful.

Yay, some happiness!

Thank god, even though the creators didn't give Alex any line in S3, they at least let him have some happy moments. It's a joy to see him so cheerful and carefree during the camping trip! Look at him!

The trio

My last point, which is also my favourite among the glimpses we get of Alex in S3, is about the trio Alex-Henry-Walter. Throughout the season, in fact, Alexander, is often spotted in close proximity to either Henry or Walter or both:

In particular, I absolutely adore this shot:

The lighting and the colours are gorgeous, but most of all I love the glance Henry and Alex exchange while they're trying hard not to burst into laughters (it's the moment when August is gulping down a big glass of wine). I like that despite being on duty, once again at the service of the third years, Alex Henry and Walter seem to have fun, relaxed and giggly.

The icing on the cake, for me, is of course the white party! Alexander looks fabulous with that sparkly purple eyeshadow (or whatever it is) and the trio is all ready to enjoy the craziest night.

Alas, the show doesn't let us know anything about the nature of their relationship. Or maybe it's a good thing, as it allows the audience the most freedom of interpretation. Is it camaraderie among fellow students? Is it authentic and sincere friendship? Something more?? What do we think? As in the fandom there's already an established little group of passionate Walty shippers (looking at you, friend, hehe), I wonder if anyone ships them as a throuple? Queerplatonic, maybe? Come on rarepair enjoyers, don't be shy!

Personally, I read them as just friends (both Walty and Walty+Alex), and I like to imagine the three of them cherishing this friendship formed during their school years, cultivating it into their adult life and living many future adventures as a trio, but any headcanon is valid and welcome. No matter what configuration, shape or form it might take, I just hope for Alexander to find someone who makes him feel respected and loved. We all deserve that, in fiction and in real life.

I'm closing this post with this beautiful, intense and emotional close-up from episode six:

Big thanks to @youngroyals-events for planning and hosting this event!

[intersexfairy]

i think being hyperandrogen intersex has made my experience of antitransmasculinity just... that much deeper, that much more lonely. before i even knew i was trans, i would stare into the mirror and pick my face and body apart. why don't i look like the other girls? what's wrong with me? why do i look so wrong in a dress? why do i feel like i take up too much space? will anyone ever love me?

i was punished for my masculinity and androgyny before i even had the chance to (voluntarily) express it. it stung even more, as i've always had an affinity to traditionally feminine things. where i once found joy and bliss in dressing up and posing for the camera, i found myself hiding my body in hoodies and leggings. if anyone pointed a camera at me, i would collapse to the floor and start having a panic attack.

now, as i've grown older, i've found safety in masculinity and androgyny. people don't find it quite as strange, as if my body/facial hair, broad shoulders, stocky build, and androgynous face make it make sense - femininity is obviously off limits for someone like me, yet it's still expected of me. getting "masculinizing" gender affirming care terrifies me. i'd be casting off the last of what makes me desirable, pretty, and unassuming. but the little girl inside me wants to wear dresses, makeup, jewelry - just this time, as a man.

but men aren't supposed to be pretty - least of all fat, hairy, disabled men. so i'm caught. i can neglect myself, out of fear of being seen as even more disgusting and off putting, just so i can cling to the few expressions of femininity i can display... or, i can be myself, and open myself up to the very hurt i've been trying to avoid all these years. but then, i can look my true self in the mirror, and finally say: you're not like other girls (and that's okay). nothing's wrong with you. you still look beautiful in a dress. you don't take up any space that isn't already yours. and you are already very, very loved.

and one day, i will. because that's what we deserve to hear - trans people, intersex people, people who are both. we deserve to do whatever we need to be our most authentic selves. all this judgement, fear mongering, it's all made up - to hurt us. and that's awful. that's scary, and i hope someday, we live in a world where we don't have to be afraid anymore. and part of me - part of you - knows, one day, we will.

[misasimagines]

ok sorry I'm studying Ren in a lab again. random thoughts

- he has asymmetrical earrings, one stud on one ear and two in the other. curious decision. but I do adore it.

- I love how he looks like he's trying to pose in a "I'm not posing, this is natural" way in his "melancholic misfit" card and in his sr uniform card and his casual outfit r card because it just makes me think he does care a lot about how he looks and how he's perceived. I just think he's the kind of person who spends a decent amount of thought and time to put together and outfit that looks like he's NOT trying but also doesn't make him look slobby. He spends time making his hair the Right amount of "I didn't do anything to it" but he did. For sure. so I also think he smells nice and fights really hard against smelling like the diner or any of the animals in Jabberwock. he puts effort in. He just won't let it be obvious. But I Know.

- I think he's one of the taller (not tallest but not mid or shortest) ones canonically? and I'm personally a believer in him just being bigger than he wants to even acknowledge. Like he doesn't want to take up space or be the guy who someone looks at when they're like "I need a strong man to help me carry these chairs!" Bc he doesn't want to help, but everyone probably was like. 👀 You will help, right? You can carry it right? case in point, carrying Haru in the Jabberwock chapters and being like whatever I'm not that strong, it's just easy when you do it like this. Okay. But also how did you know that? Also no, no it's not that easy to just fireman carry someone AND a little octopus AND a little bunny monster. I know you're a ghoul but christ. And he complains that Haru makes him lug around heavy things around Jabberwock. I'm only stating facts here.

- okay now I've pulled out the demonology research below

(source)

(source)

I'm crazy and I researched the demon that his stigma is likely unscrambled out to be. Of course take this all with a grain of salt because although I screenshot these from book excepts available through Google scholar, well... It's demonology and hermeticism and occultism and I'm not here to debate their credibility.

Anyway. Not much that explains explicitly what Ren's stigma would be, but our tsundere lazy gamer bf being contracted to a demon who ENCOURAGES sloth? Yeah that tracks.

also (source)

HMM? She who walks in the sea (recall Astaroth is the evolution of a female goddess Astarte/Ishtar/etc) and our gamer bf hates the water? Hmm.

(source)

this just was funny to me. he's built but he looks kinda fucked up.

(source)

and again, the commonality here is that 1) Astaroth stinky and 2) has some kind of knowledge of the past, present, and future/can divine these things at will. So? Why is his stigma related to cleaning/making the mess disappear? Could it have to do something with this control over the past/present/future? Can he change when something is occurring/has occurred? I have no clue, especially when, when it comes to ghouls who have some kind of idea about the Timeline, signs point to Taiga being the one to have that knowledge. If you look up Balam in the same books, well...

There is considerable overlap. So.... I don't know what to come away from this with lmao

I hesitate to make any theories based on the evolution from a fertility goddess because it's a reach and I have little to no expectation that it will be a point in his lore in game, but the information is there for you to do with what you will.

There's not that much like juicy information I could find in my short search that wasn't pay-walled or of dubious authenticity (reddit, blog post from 2003, etc). I could probably spend the time and find more, but alas, I don't have that college access to databases anymore </3 Please let me know if you come to any theories from this though!!

[slaaverin]

Hey Slavv

you’re video edit was wonderful, thank you for sharing it with us

I just wondered what you thought about the episode as a whole? Did the baby conversation make you take pause? I hope they are able to stay together despite not being able to be parents in the future.

Ohh thank you so much 💜

This question is quite hard for me to answer properly.

First of all, I really loved it. I had a very peculiar and quite strong reaction to it. I'll try to put it in words the best I can.

I'll start with a simple thing: in my 7 years of being a jikooker, that is all I ever wanted to see from them.

Being relaxed, happy, joyous, authentic, confortable.

So this felt like some kind of apoteose. Everything came full circle. For them & for me.

When you think about it, nothing really happened in this episode, they were doing the most mundane things, but there was this vibe of the most comfort, the most warmth, the most quiet and simple love, that my heart was deeply touched by it and after it hit me I really had no words to describe the feeling I had. It's deep stuff lol

Somehow they always exceed my expectations. I'm not those people who say "I expect nothing so I won't get disappointed". No, I expect things. But not because I want them to do certain stuff, more because I feel I know them sufficiently, and some of their patterns, and I see them within the love umbrella, so it gets easier and easier to predict what they might do or not. How crazy this is that they check absolutely all the boxes everytime and confirm every theory? I'm trying to stay sane of mind over here but no they want me to be the most delulu lol

Of course the ambiance really helped the episode to feel dream-like. And we know how much Japan means to them. JK must have said 384737 times how much he loved it and how happy he was.

Nothing was hanging on their shoulders anymore, no burdens, and I think that's why they were able to enjoy it this much.

It's quite insane when you think about it how fluid this all was. Like nothing felt out of place, conversation flowed easily, they are on the same wavelength about everything, they spoke openly, they had fun and let their inner child play, everything felt SO EASY. Their dynamic is just perfect, no hiccups, it just fits, jives, it clicks.

Now I am wondering how the hell they are not already a human representation of the Cosmic couple because if there is supposed to be a next level to this relationship I can't even imagine what that would look like. How much better can it get? It's so full of love already. Anyway I digress

About the child talk, firstly I was expecting this talk in Sapporo indeed. It was obvious they would at least mention it. So when I saw the scene I was already prepared mentally.

It doesn't make me worry about jikook because I think that if at some point they will want a child, they'll get to have one. Jimin or Jungkook can firstly adopt as a single parent (a bill has been passed about this in Korea recently) and then raise the child together unofficially. Or they can use a surrogate mother from overseas or something. You know they are filthy rich so I think if they REALLY want to, they would find a way.

But JK isn't ready about it yet lmao leave this man alone for now 😂

When and if it is the right time for the both of them there will be solutions so I'm not worried. This moment was really cute 🥰

Who knows what the future holds for them. Many years before we would have never expected to see them even shirtless, we would have not believed we would see their dynamic up this close in a show like this.

Things can evolve quickly. Who knows how things will develop with BTS as well, for how long will they remain a group?

It's true they are getting old, in "idol age".

Who knows how the country will evolve too?

I trust Jimin&Jungkook to make decisions about their future that will benefit them and their relationship. Maybe it will involve a child, maybe not. But I personally don't think they would break up because of this. You can see how precious their relationship is for them.

But only time will tell if I'm right.

Anyway, I could go over all the scenes of this episode and talk about it for hours.

I know this was an ephemeral dream for them this trip, like a time capsule, a bubble of normalcy, where everything is and means suddenly more. There was nothing and everything they needed at the same time. Ahh, so beautiful 🥺

I wish their lives were all the time like this, but it is what it is, they had to come down from the cloud, and face their duty, then it will be their schedule, and things will go back to regular program.

But for now I don't mind losing myself in the dream with them, and float, and pretend everything is the way they want it to be.

"All for your happiness" Jimin said

If they are happy, I am happy.

Let's enjoy those next 2 eps, I think we're in for other surprises.

Thank you for your ask 💜

[void-wolfie]

I Love You. I Support You.

summary: jenna finds you on the bathroom floor puking. [request]

pairing: Jenna Ortega x gn!Reader

tw: eating disorders, bulimia, terrible writing lol

words: 1.08k

a/n: I don't have any experience with eating disorders so this may not be an accurate description. I know bulimia affects people in different ways and I did my best to research and depict this disorder in an authentic manner. if you have an eating disorder you should definitely seek help. it took me a while to find the right words to write this but hopefully this is what you were asking for anon :)

*if mentions of eating disorders (i.e.; anorexia, bulimia, etc.) trigger you please refrain from reading

Jenna was sitting across the dinner table from you, her plate almost empty, unlike yours, which you'd barely made a dent in. You'd eaten a little bit, but you didn't feel like eating anymore, you just kept pushing the rest of your food around with your fork.

Jenna watched you mindlessly push the food around on your plate, completely unaware of her eyes on you. She was worried. You'd been acting strange for a while now, and that bubbly, carefree demeanor you carried proudly seemed to be fading away.

She chalked it up to stress at first, work was rough for you and she hadn't been able to spend as much time with you due to her own projects. But it felt like there was something else going on as well, she just couldn't figure out what.

"Babe?"

Your head shot up, finally noticing her worried expression. It sent a wave of guilt through you; you hadn't meant to make her worry...

"Is everything okay?" She seemed wary of asking like you were some ticking time bomb waiting to go off.

"Yeah, fine," you forced a small smile, trying your best to ease your girlfriend's worries, "I'll be right back, I'm gonna go to the bathroom."

You got up from the table as fast as humanly possible while trying not to look suspicious, a task easier said than done. Especially when your girlfriend is great at reading body language.

You made sure to shut the bathroom door behind you, instantly turning on the sink to drown out any noise.

Your stupid thoughts, they were at it again. You often felt safe in Jenna's presence, like your own insecurities couldn't touch you. But right now, there was a war raging inside your mind and you were quickly losing.

You knew looking in the mirror right now would be a death sentence, so you avoided that, instead, focusing on the way your hands gripped the white countertop.

It's just in your head. It's all in your head. You kept telling yourself. You can control it. Don't listen to it.

But the other little voice in your head was screaming, begging, clawing its way through the caverns of your mind. If it were any louder you wouldn't be surprised if the neighbors down the street could hear it. Fat. Fat. Fat. Too many calories.

Fat. Need to purge.

Ignore it. It can't control you.

Purge!

Shut up!

It started to dawn on you that maybe you were fighting a losing battle. Destined to lose no matter how long you fought.

Jenna was worried. You ran to the bathroom fairly quickly. Something wasn't right, she could feel it. She could hear the sink running, drowning out any noise.

Tired of the uncertainties rolling around in the back of her mind, she made her way to the bathroom, pressing her ear up to the door to listen in. Yes, it was an invasion of privacy, but she needed to make sure you were okay.

For a moment, all she could hear was the sound of the sink running. Then she heard it, it practically echoed against the bathroom walls. The sound of puking.

She gently pushed open the bathroom door, just to confirm if her suspicions were true. Through the crack of the door, she could see you slumped over the toilet, your knees digging into the tile floor as you gripped the bowl and emptied the contents of your stomach.

Jenna pushed open the door the rest of the way. She sat down on the floor next to you, trying to give you space while still being close enough to rub your back soothingly.

She didn't say anything, just sat there, doing her best to provide you with comfort.

It had been quiet for a few minutes now. You were silently waiting for the next wave of vomit, but there didn't seem to be one coming. The tears had stopped flowing long ago, but the salty tracks were still wet against your cheeks trailing down to your chin. Your throat ached and you could feel the shame of the situation beginning to seep in.

"It's back, isn't it?" It was Jenna who'd broken the silence, barely even whispering in the quiet of the bathroom. The only noise was the sink still softly running in the background. Part of you was glad she left the sink running, the sound of the water was better than having to listen to your puking echo in dead silence.

You nodded, silently answering Jenna's question.

You told Jenna about your eating disorder long ago, when the two of you first started dating. You didn't give her many details, and she didn't push you to tell her. She knew the basics, and she was glad you trusted her enough to tell her anything at all. You were in recovery; you were doing well. At least you were till a few weeks ago. All it took was a bad fight with a close friend and a few comments about your past to send you spiraling. You relapsed that day and have been struggling to manage it since.

Jenna's hand still rested on your back, doing her best to try and comfort you, "How can I help?"

"I don't know..." You answered truthfully.

"We're going to get through this together, okay? I love you. I support you."

If it weren't for the conflicting tide of emotions washing over you, you'd probably be smiling like a love-sick fool. I love you. I support you. You said that to Jenna every time she had to go away for filming or movie premieres or whatever else her busy schedule had planned. It had become routine between the two of you, one that had become a source of comfort for both of you. Now it was her turn to support you.

"Let's get you cleaned up, okay."

You let Jenna help clean you up. She made sure you brushed your teeth extra well, making you use mouthwash twice just to be safe. She helped you into the shower and helped your tired form get dressed after. And when it was all said and done, she made sure you were cozy in bed before putting on your favorite movie to fall asleep to. The talk of figuring out a plan was promised to be done tomorrow, for now, all you wanted was comfort and your girlfriend, and Jenna was more than happy to help with both of those things.

[911lsbts]

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: What were your thoughts when they first told you this was Judd's path this season?

JIM PARRACK: I said, "Well, great. There should be something really consequential about Judd and Grace being split apart like this." Then we started finding ways to foreshadow it a little bit, because alcoholism doesn't happen overnight. And we certainly didn't have a lot of time to work with [with the final season being only 12 episodes]. So we tried to isolate him a little bit, and show him drinking a little bit, and in his cups a little bit. And then, with this 10th episode, we just wanted to show what it was like for Judd when the thing he had been living for wasn't there anymore.

Was there a particular scene that most affected you?

There was actually a whole two- or three-page prayer that I shot on the back porch of the house that got reduced to a little flashback, but that was incredibly cathartic. We shot this whole sequence where Judd downed a whole bottle of alcohol and was kind of angry at God and then begging God to do something and show up, but it only ended up being a little flash. That was maybe to me the most important scene in the episode.

That is mirrored at the end of the episode when Judd finally gets his sign, and Grace texts him as he's staring at the bottle over the sink. How did you choose to play that scene? What was he about to do if he hadn't heard from Grace?

At that point, having been around recovery in a real way, Judd realizes that to drink is to probably die. I made the choice to look at the bottle and go, "If I pick this thing up again, I'm going to die. Do I or don't I?" It was a "One last try: God if you're there..." kind of thing. And that was moving to me, to come at it that way. It was a moving experience. It felt authentic.

Was he also looking for death when he walked into that firing range earlier in the episode?

The way I chose to play it was "Somebody in there needs help, and I don't really care if I live or die anymore, so I'll head in." By that point, [the 126] knew what was going on. It wasn't that we didn't know the place was really dangerous and full of exploding ammunition. I just wanted to come at it like, "Look, my family's falling apart. I'm pretty sure there's no God, which means there's no heaven or hell. Maybe just put an end to all this and go to sleep and get out of here. And if I don't die, fine, I'll save this guy's life. And if I do, no problem — these foundational, meaningful things aren't in my life anymore."

Well I'm sure fans will be glad to see Judd come out the other side. What can you tease for viewers heading into the final two episodes of Lone Star?

The main thing they can expect and deserve to see is how much the 126 mean to each other. And of course, underneath all that is what we meant to each other as a cast and as a team [in real life]. There was this real merging of how we all felt about it being the end and with the 126 facing what seems like could really be the end.

[tgirltorment]

"I liked our city. It was alive. People complained about the gutters and the dirt but I heard a preacher say once that filth is the byproduct of life. Dirt means we're alive, he said. I only remember it being dead, though, and dirty too.

The Planetaries came to the city a few weeks ago, started conscripting. They said the capital fell to traitors too quick for news to reach us. They planned to fortify a few sizeable habitats but once we got our soldiers they lost contact with everyone else. God-Emperor knows what happened to them but it scared the shit out of everyone. So, the conscriptors got to work. Not just the fit and healthy, though, they got everyone. Sick, old, weak, mad. Children.

We waited three weeks for an attack. Three weeks of chewing our lips and fingering our triggers. The astropaths tried to get messages out but they said they hit some kind of wall. I don't pretend to understand what a witch sees but they were shaken. Pretty soon after our cogitators went to shit and the servitors started acting up. The red priests called it 'scrap code' and told us not to touch any machines we didn't have to. One of their adepts tried turning on a vox cast and started shaking, talking about teeth in the warp. No one touched a vox after that.

As I said, we waited three weeks. It took just over one for the city to fall.

I was in a scouting party on the first day. My partner was watching the horizon with some binoculars when he went pale as the moons. I took the binos from him to get a look myself. I saw angels. Fallen angels, wearing black and gold and skulls on pikes. My commander had me get back to the city in our truck to tell everyone. Well, I got there and so did a few scouts before me it seemed because the whole place was in crisis mode. Weapons loaded, cannons manned, priests promising a good afterlife. Five hours later, a whole host of the traitors came into view, dragging the dead scouts after them. They dug their trenches and that was that. We didn't want to waste our ammo and they seemed happy to wait.

On the second day they set up their artillery and started firing. We sent ships out to try to shoot their mortars to pieces, but they got to some of the ships first. They brought huge machines to try to break our walls or climb over them. Some of our guys fell off the walls or came crashing down in their aircraft. The machines ate them, alive if they could.

Third day, some of the bastards got into the city somehow. They broke through the streets on jump packs, cutting people up and setting bombs off in buildings. They planted people on spikes or tied to poles through the roads, the poor bastards still alive. Most of them were beaten, gutted, or flayed. Some of them still had the energy to scream. We had to kill them whenever we found them. They wanted to scare us, and it worked. And, of course, the artillery kept firing.

On the fourth day, the mortars and the terror attacks kept coming. We were scared, desperate, and starting to feel starved. Then, like the Emperor answered our prayers, the astropaths had their visions. They said angels were coming. Loyal angels, servants of the Master. They landed ships in our skyport and we spared all expenses to keep the fire off them. The ships had symbols I didn't understand but I'm told were chapter heraldry. Anyway, they stepped out of their ships and something was wrong. They had the wrong colors. They seemed friendly enough, until someone asked too many questions and got a lasbeam to the face. I still don't get how they could fake so many layers of authentication. But however they did, they got in at the heart of the city and they tore us apart. Then they just left, in the same ships they came in. We didn't answer anymore hails after that, though they kept coming in. Some of them could have been real for all I know.

The fifth day started with chanting. Everyone in the city could hear it, no matter where they were. It was some sickening language that had sounds that didn't make sense. Sorcery, we all knew. Some of us had fits of heretical visions, some of us fell to lethargy or paranoia. The captains had to execute a lot of good men that day. And worst of all, whole platoons swore they saw strange monsters roaming the streets. Small monsters more mouth than body, or tall pale figures with claws and tails. I might have seen one of those things, but maybe it was just sleep deprivation.

Sixth day were the riots. The captains had given us chems earlier to keep us awake and strong, but that day I saw men go mad for them, moaning after doses that could stop a heart. And they didn't seem to mind their wounds anymore. They seemed to like them. They told us voices had promised them rivers of wine and honey if we surrendered. All across the city, squadrons went mad like this. We dealt with heretics the whole way through, but this was the worst. I couldn't tell if the screaming was from pain or ecstasy, but they screamed.

Seventh day, most of us fell ill, and with the chemrats still a fresh memory the medica didn't dare give us drugs of any kind. What little food we had went bad, too, and our weapons rusted. Everything was covered in a sort of fog that smelled like sewage and flies bigger than your thumb ate at us. I saw a guy vomit nothing but worms, and when he looked at me I could see them crawling in his eyes. We burned the worst of the sick, dead and alive both. Towards the end of the day it was hard to tell the two apart.

Eighth day, they launched the biggest assault yet. Hundreds of screaming traitors clawing up the walls and ripping into us. The men on the frontlines seemed to be infected with that bloodlust because their eyes went wide and they started mauling their comrades too. I was in the backlines, running munitions back and forth, but when the streams of blood got to my end, they poured hard. By this point we were probably only a quarter of our original size and nearly out of ammo so without speaking we all agreed on a retreat. None of the commanders objected. We got to the last of the inner fortifications and waited. When the melee sounded too close we barred the doors and used every barricade we could. People on the other end begged us to open and let them through. The sounds of chain weapons drowned them out.

And then the ninth day. We couldn't tell it was the next day because we had no view of the sky and none of our time keeping devices were both intact, uncorrupted, or functioning, but we could tell. The colors changed. Swirls of light that were dozens of hues at once drifted in the air. Angles stopped adding up. There was whispering everywhere. Crystals started growing on the walls and ghosts danced in our peripherals. We all knew the last psyker we had couldn't be trusted anymore. We killed her in her sleep while she mumbled something about eyes.

It's nearing the end, I can feel it. I spent the ninth day writing my account down. I'm gonna put it in an airtight munitions box. Damn things are near indestructible. They could burn this whole fucking city down and it'd survive, I hope.

I'm running out of time. The walls are becoming thin sheets of light. The crystals are eggs, and laughing mouths grow inside. The Fallen are at the door, and the eggs are hatching.

My name is Pascal Everett of the Mendivian Planetary Defense Force, citizen of New Tavos, servant of the God-Emperor of Mankind. I will be dead within the hour."

-Journal found within a munitions box that appeared in the cargo hold of voidship His Majesty's Command after a warp jump. There is no record of a Chaos invasion of Mendivia, and the planet, including the city of New Tavos, stands uncorrupted to this day.

[mikeblocky]

alright chapter 66 has been translated now! it's time to ctrl + c and ctrl + v the one i have texted on discord

this one is a lil bit different from the translated version because i translated by my own

again, here's the link: chapter 66

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i'm wrecking my nerves now

the way that shima says and wants mukai to believe that he wouldn't act thoughtlessly and try to hurt her anymore, and even want to stop it at this moment

the way he tells mukai he doesn’t want to act thoughtlessly or hurt anyone anymore—it feels like he’s finally realizing the weight of his actions. he's always tried to keep relationships shallow, avoiding emotional depth to protect himself. but that’s only caused pain for the people who care about him. now, he wants to change that. he’s not just letting others hold him anymore, like mitsumi; he’s stepping up to hold them back. it’s a huge shift!!

i don't remember much but this is the first time i have seen him acknowledging his faults, and expressing his desire to change. most of the time, he just tries to bring it as an excuse, instead of acknowledging it. like the moment when shima tries to defend for a person after mitsumi confessed, he was still confused about his choice of doing it

he genuinely wants to be a better person, with a strong determination i think. mitsumi’s unwavering authenticity and optimism have likely inspired him to confront his own emotional barriers.

"i want to stop this for good" - it reflects his inner drive to improve himself. this ties back to earlier moments in the story where he wrestles with his self-perception and the disconnect between how others see him and how he sees himself. it encapsulates everything he has struggled with—his tendency to hurt others unintentionally, his fear of emotional intimacy, and his passive role in relationships. it’s not just a declaration; it’s a promise to himself. it shows that he’s not running away from the discomfort of growth anymore. instead, he’s embracing it, knowing it’s the only way to build genuine relationships.

mitsumi has clearly inspired him. her authenticity and optimism have shown him what real connection looks like, and now he wants to match that. he wants to be someone who can meet her at the same level—open, honest, and genuine. i'm in love how it all circles back to his desire to build deeper, more meaningful relationships.

the end of this chapter is also interesting!!! when he really asked his mom to go to the school festival this year, unlike the previous one when he hid it!

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alright! that's the end of steady school trip arc, we are getting to the next arc in the next chapter!

[copperbadge]

Hey Sam. If you're so inclined, could you recommend a few 'must eat' places in Downtown Chicago? My hotel will be near the Red Line (Grand station) and I'm fine walking a good 10 minutes for awesome food. I'm planning my trip and trying to put together a few food places for lunch and dinner and such. Pizza, burgers, bbq, donuts, steak, sushi..., I'm flexible!

You know, honestly, I don't eat out much anymore so I'm not sure where the best places to get a bite are. I'm going to make some recommendations but they're about to be a mixture of "If you come to Chicago this is somewhere everyone goes" and "This is somewhere Sam personally likes to eat but which you may not go for." :D

So, if you're at Grand, you are pretty much on top of the Weber Kettle Grill. Weber Kettle Grill does GREAT grill food and my parents always want to eat there when they come into town. If you ask to sit at the chef's table, you'll be seated at what looks like a bar, but it also looks all the way down the row of giant indoor grills the chefs use to cook the food. If you want something quieter and less busy they also have a fairly large dining room.

If you want a real Chicago experience, there's a Portillo's pretty close to you (that one's called "Portillo's & Barnelli's"); Portillo's is a local chain that does burgers, dogs, and crucially Italian Beef. Italian Beef is my go-to Chicago food for people who (like me) don't want to eat Deep Dish Pizza. It's a crusty roll filled with shredded braised beef; you can get it with sweet peppers, hot peppers, or no peppers (they might call it "giardinera" which is the local term for the pepper relish they use). If you get it "dipped", once the sandwich is made it's dunked in a flavorful jus before being wrapped up; if you don't like wet bread I'd skip this, but I love it. If you REALLY don't like wet bread, maybe get a Chicago Style hot dog instead. Portillo's is also famous for being The Place Where they make you a milkshake with an entire slice of chocolate cake in it. You can also just get a slice of cake, which is fantastic.

There's also an Al's Italian Beef near you if you want a more local experience. Locals absolutely can and will eat at Portillo's, the food's not better at Al's, it's just a bit more tourist-friendly than Al's tends to be.

If you want that true authentic Chicago deep dish experience (pie crust filled with cheese and then topped with sauce) Pizzeria Uno and Pizzeria Due are very close by; they vie for the dubious honor of having invented the deep dish pizza. I can't recommend it, but if you want it, hit one of those.

If you're not from the midwest and would like to sample a decent approximation of Detroit style deep dish (thick bready crust topped with cheese and then sauce) Jet's Pizza likely delivers to your hotel. I can't recommend going to a Jet's, many of them don't have anywhere to sit and eat, and for a pizza joint they're a bit costly, but it's very good pizza. My Detroit friends say it's a perfectly acceptable pie by their standards.

Volare Ristorante is a nearby hidden gem if you're in the mood for upscale Italian; I really like their pasta, but they are on the pricier end. If you're walking east on Grand to get there, you do have to go under Michigan, and you will likely fear that you will be stabbed and left for dead in this weird underground cavern, but I promise you, it's smelly but safe.

Goddess And The Baker and Beatrix are both good places to pick up breakfast. If you wish to glimpse Hell, the Starbucks Roastery at Michigan and Erie is one of the largest buxes in the country (possibly the world?) and is a FUCKING NIGHTMARE to navigate, but it's certainly an experience.

If you're venturing into the Loop, Russian Tea Time is a fun place to have afternoon tea and the a la carte food is also quite good; they're very close to the Art Institute. There's not much to eat if you're going to the museum campus, and my favorite Greek place closed down, but Minghin Cuisine is a good Chinese place (I've eaten there) and AO Hawaiian Hideout is supposedly some of the best Chinese in the city (I have not eaten there).

If you are craving Chinese, you can also catch the Red Line directly to the Chinatown stop and browse, I've never had a bad meal in Chinatown. When you get off the train, if you go north to the station exit with only stairs, you can exit, look left, and see the "new" Chinatown that's basically an outdoor mall; if you go south to the escalator exit, once you leave turn right and you'll see the big pagoda entrance to "old" Chinatown, which is more shops than restaurants. New Chinatown has some excellent bakeries, and also a Korean fried chicken place, Bonchon, that's extremely good. Usually when I take friends we go to Joy Yee which has a huge menu and also bubble tea.

As a final plug I'll list The Berghoff, which is in the loop (off the Jackson Red Line stop); it's pretty hefty German cuisine, all excellent food, and also is a top notch place to take anyone with gluten issues -- the owners have a kid with a gluten intolerance and the restaurant has an exceptional gluten-free menu with unusually strict protocols to prevent cross-contamination in the kitchen.

And if you want to get a little baked first, you are pretty close to Sunnyside dispensary, which is a very nice dispensary with super friendly people. If you take the Red Line to Roosevelt or are in the area, Grasshopper Club is less expensive, just as friendly, and Black-owned, and they've been my go-to for a couple of months now. At either one you can walk-in to speak to a budtender about what you'd like, or you can preorder online, but be aware that there are limitations on what out-of-staters can purchase. Having sampled most of the gummies out there, I'd recommend Mindy's (any flavor is good but the black cherry is my preferred). Do bring ID, you will be carded.

I hope you enjoy Chicago! If you have more questions feel free to hit me up here or at copperbadge@gmail.com if you'd like to have more of like, a dialogue :) Have fun and eat well!

[running-swimming-living]

This is a life update. TL:DR I quit my job

Below is just a stream of consciousness. Perhaps you will find something illuminating or truthful in it.

I've been trying to write this for about two weeks now. I've been trying to figure out how to convey what I want without sharing too much. I feel like I am always trying to hide the parts of myself that are unbecoming. What I'd really like to do is share my journey as authentically as I can. That means the mental illness, the trauma, the struggle, the poor dieting and all the exercise. I don't want to be half of a person anymore.

We all have aspects of ourselves we don't share. But the toll of being so open about something so profound in my life is suffocating at times. How is it I can have a disability that nobody talks about?

But when the topic comes up, I'm not willing to share. Does that make me a coward?

I forgot to lie at church. The topic of my 78 year old friend came up and I couldn't bring myself to say that I met her because we both have mental illness. Instead, I said, "through mutual friends." But isn't that how I live my life? By lying about my illness, the symptoms, my quality of life, and the jobs I work.

I left my job because I was having symptoms regarding my mental illness and trauma. I don't want that. But it's the first time I've had to accept that my illness and past life experiences are holding me back from growing up in ways I didn't expect. I always knew I'd be entry level at 30. But I didn't realize exactly what entry level would mean. I thought I could do this 40 hr a week job for a decent pay and get on with life. But it's not that simple.

So now I'm here trying to find a job that is a good fit with someone who would hire someone like me. And that is such a real fear. I don't come without some risks.

But I have so much to offer. I can accomplish so much when I have the right support and the right environment. I certainly have skills and value. But where I find the most success with myself is where I don't know.

And I want to be a part of this community. I've been shying away from Tumblr because I feel so isolated and alone. I feel ashamed for who I am. I am not proud of how I continue to let people down. Mostly, myself.

I had a conversation with our Pastor at church. He asked what my fall plans were and I simply said, "I don't know." And he just gave me a look. A look like, "you can do so much better." And that's where I'm at, I guess.

[thejournallo]

Hi!

I'm wondering how can I have my faith of manifesting and shifting back. I'll explain briefly but it's been since the pandemic since I tried to apply the law and it's been 3 years since I tried to shift, however I've failed everytime (well, I've succeed for small things not even in my life but things on TV and stuff, but nothing worth it).

I tried everything, I've read Neville, I've interacted with peoples who succeed, I've applied everything, but nothing has worked, in fact, quite the opposite. I've been kick out of my apartment (I'm living with my family rn so dw), I'm unable to stay in college, I've anxiety attack if a small thing goes wrong when I'm watching shows and many other things that prevent me to relax.

The worst thing is I've never been looking more male when in fact I want to be a cute girl so bad. I hate the fact I'm trans because I know my current brain is not strong enough to assume it, I'd rather be a cis women or even stay as it is because I don't want everyone in this society to hate me.

That's why I'm trying to shift. That's the only way I could be me, seeing a therapist or having hormones won't change anything, but even shifting I fail. Each time waking up here makes me want to puke and disappear. I just want to have a strong brain and be the person I should be and deserved to be.

I don't know what I should try anymore. I've done everything, maybe I'm the 1% of people who can't manifest or do anything.

I'm sorry to bother you with this, but that's literally my last chance before doing something stupid or trying to erase my personality in order to be more accepted.

Hi there!

Thank you for reaching out, and I can feel the strength and determination in your words, even through the struggles you’ve described. Manifesting and shifting are deeply personal journeys, and it’s completely normal to feel lost or frustrated when things don’t go as planned. Remember, the power to create and transform is within you, and sometimes, it just needs a clearer path.

One of the main reasons many people struggle with manifesting is self-doubt. This doubt can sneak in as the belief that the opposite of what we want will happen or that our efforts will ultimately fail. When we think this way, we end up “polluting” our intentions with negativity. You deserve to believe fully in your vision, without these clouds of doubt.

Here are a few ideas to help you reconnect with your faith in manifesting and shifting:

Reaffirm Your Strength: Begin with simple affirmations that feel authentic. Saying things like, “I am capable, and my desires are valid,” or “I am moving closer to my true self each day,” can plant the seeds of trust within you. Repetition matters here; affirm whenever you can—over a coffee, while cooking, or whenever you feel down.

Let Go of ‘Perfect’ Outcomes: Sometimes, holding too tightly to the “perfect” vision of our desires can add unnecessary pressure. Embrace your journey as it is, allowing small successes to build your belief over time. Try to notice even the small moments that align with your goals, like those little manifestations on TV. Each one reinforces that your mind is a powerful tool.

Create a Safe Space to Visualize: It can be helpful to set aside time each day to connect deeply with your true self���visualize your ideal self not just in terms of appearance, but in terms of feeling and wholeness. Write down the qualities you admire and want to embody. This isn’t just about seeing yourself differently but feeling the reality of that change.

Trust the Process and Be Kind to Yourself: Trusting yourself can be hard, especially when faced with setbacks. But every day is a new chance. Even small, positive shifts in mindset are victories worth celebrating. And remember, manifesting often starts with loving where you are—even if it’s challenging—because that love and acceptance will help carry you forward.

Finally, it’s okay to reach out for help if you feel overwhelmed. You’re not alone, and there are people who genuinely want to support you. Keep going, and know that you have the strength and worthiness to reach the life you envision. It’s all within you; just take it one step at a time. and if you need im here

-xoxo the journallo