#and I'm having executive dysfunction hours in a bad way

[ashes-in-a-jar]

Oh my god

The word bun is literally shaped like a bunny

bun

[forthefictionallesbians]

It was a wonder how quickly your world had changed once the Affini had taken over. In a matter of months they had ripped out everything from agriculture to healthcare and replaced it with their own alternative versions. Fabricators could produce food and ingredients without the need for labor, and most of the planet had been allowed to return to nature. The roads, long decrepit, had been turned into vibrant walkways flanked by shops and restaurants. Public transit proliferated, scarcity had been eliminated, and you had never seen your home city this vibrant.

But even living in a utopia didn't prevent executive dysfunction from taking its toll. Nothing so bad that the periodic wellness checks had reason to put you into a wardship, but there were days where memory and moving could be hard. And wouldn't you know it, your medications had just run out.

"Sorry, cutie, but I need permission from your vet before I can print you any more of that!" the ai unit in your apartment's fabricator chirped with wearying cheeriness. Just your luck.

"Well, can you just call them? Ask for a refill?"

"Your vet actually left you a message last night! You're now one day overdue for your checkup, so she can't refill your prescriptions until you come and see her. Or, if you like, she can send a staff member to do a home checkup, if you like?"

"No," you sigh. "Tell Phiela that I'll be over later today." However cushy things were now, allowing an affini into your home outside of the wellness checks was still a line further than you were willing to go. It was nice to have an area just to yourself, away from their condescension and flirtation. Not that you didn't enjoy it, at least a little. There was still just a definite wariness around how easily domestication could occur that you didn't want to deal with all the time.

You drift through get-ready chores for the next hour, grabbing keys, changing to outdoor clothes, misplacing your keys, putting on shoes, grabbing water, putting on your other shoe, eating a snack, and sitting down to watch something before the chirping of your fabricator cut through the haze. "Cutie? Cutie? Oh, there you are. Phiela is wondering when you are planning on leaving!"

"Tell her I am on my way!" you say, slightly annoyed to have your viewing cut off. Standing, you walk to the door and close it behind you, hearing its automatic lock engage as you head towards the clinic.

You really don't feel like walking. Not all that way. Even if it is just over 10 minutes away, that feels insurmountably long right now. Public transit? Always an option, but it'll probably be slower than walking. And you just want to get it over with as soon as possible, and head home to watch Terran Run 5. Time to bite a bullet, and weaponize the one natural advantage you have in this world. Cuteness.

The walkway is busy, so it's not hard to pick out a nearby affini sophont-watching. Her blue-green leaves are positively rustling with excitement as she coos over every passing floret, handing out sweets to every taker, domestics and independents alike. She isn't one you've noticed around before, so it seems like there is little risk of repeat interaction and the loss of liberty that too often follows. Steeling yourself and putting on your most helpless face, you wander through the crowd and up to her.

"Hello, miss? Could you take me to the vet? I have a check-in but.... don't want to walk," you finish lamely. Fortunately, the weakness of your plea doesn't seem to matter.

"Oh my goodness, aren't you just the sweetest little thing!" she squeals, immediately enveloping you in a viney embrace. "Of course I'll take you, little sprout! But first, what's your name?"

"Uhhh," you freeze, not having expected quite the level of enthusiasm. A mistake on your part, for certain. "I'm [name], [pro/nouns]."

When the two of you finally arrive, she puts you down gently in front of the door. You try to stifle your disappointment. Even if you have no interest in becoming a floret, it is impossible to refute that being close to the affini is a pleasant experience. Between the soothing beat of her core and the gentle firmness of her encompassing vines, Barancala gave a great ride.

"Nice to meet you, [diminutive nickname]. Can I call you that? Oh I just can't help myself, you're just too adorable." Countless vines pull you even further into her arms as she stands up, cradling you like a baby. Others trail through your hair, tease your limbs, weave between your fingers. It's the not-so-unpleasant cost to this method of travel. "I'm Barancala Whist, she/her. Now which way to your clinic, [diminutive nickname]?"

You point the direction and let yourself relax as she strides vetward on her massive legs. A casual stroll for her, faster than even jogging the entire way would be for you. And all it took was allowing yourself to get cuddled for a few minutes, pleasantly zoning out as you absently listen to her ramblings. This was one more perk of affini occupation, even if it had to be used sparingly to avoid getting domesticated.

"Thank you so much for the lift, Miss Barancala!" you grin up at her. Which immediately strikes you as far too peppy. It was important to be polite, but every independent knew to avoid being too sweet. Not that it matters much, you suppose. If she really is itinerant, it's unlikely you'll ever see her again. Which is a little bit of a shame.

"Of course, little sprout!" She ruffles your hair one last time, glowing down at you, and you leave for your appointment.

[sojourner-between-worlds]

Things about being a Christian I've had to unlearn as an adult:

Spending a lot of time on/ being invested in something doesn't make it an idol. This is not how that works, bestie. Look. I get that the advice "if you spend more time on x hobby than you do reading the Bible and praying" is well-intentioned, but it's just plain Bad. There are a lot of hobbies that take significant amounts of time. Art. Writing. Trade hobbies, like woodworking. I spent two hours Saturday putting in a garden (now that I have space for one!), and not spending two hours and one minute on Bible reading doesn't mean that gardening is now an idol for me. It means I got into a groove and just kept going (and got terribly sunburned for my trouble). What makes something an idol is NOT how much time you spend on it but rather the importance you place upon it. Sometimes important things take five minutes and sometimes they take an hour; the thing that took five minutes isn't less important because it took up less of your time. If your thought process is "this is more important than spending time with God", that is what makes your hobby an idol. (If you are constantly foregoing your time with God in favor of a hobby, then I'd say you need to re-evaluate your priorities, but spending a lot of time on something does not inherently make it an idol. Not to mention that a lot of hobbies can still bring you closer to God despite not spending that time intentionally for that purpose.)

Not having your "quiet time"/ devotions every day does not make you a "bad" Christian. This goes hand-in-hand with the previous point, and there's a lot I could say on this topic, but what it boils down to is this: God understands our human limits and the brains He gave us that sometimes make it difficult -- autism and ADHD and OCD and [fill in the blank]. I'm autistic. So when (well-meaning) people say things like, "you can't get to know God if you don't spend time with Him!" about praying and reading the Bible -- well, 'spending time' looks different for me. Socializing is difficult for me. And while socializing with God is obviously different than with people, praying is still far more mentally draining for me than for most people (especially growing up in an environment where it was implied that you have to 'say the right things' when you pray instead of just allowing it to be a conversation, but that's the next point). A lot of "socializing" for me is simply being present with someone else. This is called "parallel play": you're doing your own thing in the same space as someone else while they are also doing their own thing. This...doesn't translate well to Christianity and what Christianity is "supposed" to look like, unfortunately, so I constantly felt shame that none of the common advice worked for me when it seemed to work for everyone else. Set a time? Executive dysfunction makes switching tasks hard and once that set time has passed, "well, it's too late now". Having a reading plan? I'd miss a day, fall behind, and the shame at that would keep me from continuing to try. And when I did manage to stay on track, quite often it simply became a box to check off and that was it. So, now, I do what I can, when I can. I always get more out of it, and I think God cares more about that than sticking to a plan just so you can say you read every day anyway.

"Don't script your prayers! They'll become repetitive and you won't think about or mean them!" Oh, boy. Once again, I get the well-intentioned meaning here. You don't want your prayers to become rote and stale. But as someone with high anxiety, scripting them is the only way I can survive praying aloud with other people, and, in fact, it means I put more thought into them, not less! But hearing this kind of advice coupled with an environment where it was implied you had to say 'the right things, the right way' was absolutely detrimental to my prayer life growing up. I was always worried about saying the wrong thing, especially as an undiagnosed autistic who was constantly, ya know, saying the wrong things in conversations with people. So I definitely didn't want to say the wrong things to God! But... I also wasn't allowed to plan what to say? How was I supposed to pray then? So I just. didn't pray. For a very long time. Until I learned its just as perfectly okay to talk to God about whatever crosses your mind while you're standing at the sink doing dishes as it is sitting down with a list of things to focus on. (Not to mention that this really is just...terrible advice in general. Kudos to my pastor, who, in his current Sunday night series on worship, actually gave a tutorial on how to personalize praying the Psalms. So, you know, pre-written prayers.)

Purity Culture. Need I say more? Oh, I could write a whole post about how harmful this is, but plenty of people already have, so I'll leave it at this: I wear what I am comfortable wearing now. Something I love about my church is that our philosophy on modesty is this: The greatest sin of immodesty is saying "look at me" instead of "look at God." In other words, modest isn't about what you're wearing so much as what your attitude about what you're wearing is. If you choose what to wear because you want people to notice and stare and give you compliments, then that is immodest no matter how much of your skin is covered up. It's not immodest to wear clothes you like and that you think are attractive (or that help you look professional when its called for), but ultimately your mindset is really not about "dressing to impress." (There is a very thin line between 'modest' and 'immodest' and its not where most people think it is.)

[almostempty]

get to know your moots

thanks for the tag @yxtkiwiyxt, i can never resist a classic myspace about me bulletin survey throwback bc i yearn for the days of agonizing over finding the perfect profile song

what's the origin of your blog title?: it's too much pressure to create a witty name, i've used such gripping online usernames as waterbottle, casual-stapler, oldfruit, etc..

favorite fandoms: this is all i participate in actively! but i do enjoy being exposed to other fandoms through y'all here and there

OTP(s) + shipname: i just want all of the various fictional ppcu characters for me

favorite color: black n yellow 🖤💛

favorite game: nothing recently, but i enjoy zelda games, rdr2, elden ring, and roller coaster tycoon (1999)

song stuck in your head: listening to Sativa - Jhené Aiko, Swae Lee currently

weirdest habit/trait?: dissociating in car (parked)

hobbies: reading, writing, finding new/old music, making myself laugh over silly memes, swimming, solo adventures, people watching, going to da movies, etc.

if you work, what's your profession?: drug and alcohol counseling and juvenile justice advocacy

if you could have any job you wish what would it be?: obligatory i do not dream of labor, but like @yxtkiwiyxt, for my next trick i'd like to be a digital nomad somehow

something you're good at: i have a good picker for friends, i'm occasionally funny, dogs like me

something you're bad at: being concise, perception/management of time in any manner and remembering

something you love: music, all day, every day, non stop

something you could talk about for hours off the cuff: various rants about capitalism (i'm fun), movies i haven't seen but feel like i could accurately guess the plot of, my fav cursed double features

something you hate: my poor perception of time and memory issues, executive dysfunction, facing my demons aka doing IFS work in therapy

something you collect: concert vids, i think i'm the only one that rewatches them?, books, nearly dead peach ice Lost Mary's

something you forget: plans, texts, objects and people not in my line of sight, if a memory real or a dream/idea, if i've already told you the story i'm halfway through (but i still think it's funny so i intend on finishing it either way)

what's your love language?: i know it's an innocent question, but i have mad beef with the author of the book about love languages and the christian gender roles perpetuated in the book and lack of empirical research around the concepts, and the creator's homophobia, but i digress (i told y'all i'm fun)

favorite movie/show: some movies: office space, SLC punk, eternal sunshine, the thing, drive, bottoms; don't make me pick shows rn

favorite food: been unable to stop getting nachos and the poblano crema from the taqueria on my block for the last ~6 weeks

favorite animal: big time animal lover here, shout out to my dogs!! i can't choose a fav otherwise

are you musical?: i can play a couple instruments, i wish i could sing

what were you like as a child?: a pleasure to have in class

favorite subject at school?: art, but i pursued science

least favorite subject?: i never took chemistry because everyone complained about how hard it was and i figured out you didn't need it to graduate, but i suppose technically i didn't take it so can't confirm

what's your best character trait?: adaptability (i just took an updated personality test lmao to help me figure one out)

what's your worst character trait?: perfectionist (not with editing heheh)

if you could change any detail of your day right now what would it be?: a few interpersonal interactions

if you could travel in time who would you like to meet?: maybe an artist from the 27 club, just to see them perform

recommend one of your favorite fanfics (spread the love!):

two completed longfics i enjoyed <3, best kept secret- enemies to lovers/bodyguard din by luckbealincoln on ao3, vampire waltz - idiots in love/ max phillips by absurdthirst, wardenparker on ao3

obligatory free memes if u made it this far

tags, but no pressure: @auteurdelabre @gothcsz @lovely-vamp-princess

@slimybeth69 @swankyorange @syd-djarin @itwasntimethatdidit40 @probablyreadinsmut @thundermartini @ace-turned-confused

@persephone-girl @thischarmingmandalorian @pinkypromisepascal

@hoelaris @lilac-boo if u read this and i didn't tag you, tell me all ur secrets and tag me anyway <3

[askthehcc]

hey Tango! do you have any advice for someone stuck in executive dysfunction mode who really needs to Get The Task Done?

Tango: hmmm... well I'm not sure exactly what executive dysfunction is, but man do I sure Not Do Things sometimes, heh.

Tango: Like, l'll totally intend to do, like, the dishes or something, but then just somehow keep scrolling on my phone for hours?

Tango: I'm not totally sure how I manage to get myself out of it, but it seems to help when Skizz gets home from work and, like, breaks me from that Funk™, you know?

Tango: the awesome thing about Skizz is that he never seems to, like, hold me by my lack of doing things.

Tango: I feel super bad and like the world's shittiest housemate, sure, but he never, like, snaps or has a go at me or anything, which is really nice of him.

Tango: Usually he just, like, says something like, 'Hey Top, your laundry has been hanging here for a couple days, do you need me to unblock this for you?'

Tango: And then he'll help me work out what's stopping me from doing it, cause it usually tends to be, like, I'm out of hangers in my wardrobe or something and I don't know where to put stuff when I take the airer down.

Tango: So, I don't know.

Tango: I'm sorry I don't have great advice.

Tango: [Rubs his neck]

Tango: I guess my advice is to get yourself someone like Skizz who will help you out with this stuff without judging you for it...

Tango: Yeah, I'm sorry.

---

Skizz: Tango? Oh, yeah, totally. He definitely has ADHD.

Skizz: I'm kinda waiting for a good time to have that conversation with him, honestly.

Skizz: The thing about Top is that he has impossibly high standards for himself that he just cannot drop.

Skizz: And I'm trying to work out whether or not a conversation about something like that would make him spiral or cause him to ease up on himself.

Skizz: And I just really don't know which way the penny will fall right now, so... you know, while I work that out, I'll just make sure things are made as easy as possible for him.

Skizz: He's a great guy and so determined and so... ridiculously hard working. Me giving him a little bit of breathing room at home is the least I could do, you know?

Skizz: Top's my boy, after all. He's my homie. My buddeh, if you will.

Skizz: And first rule of JC, you gotta take care of your buddies.

Skizz: It's as simple as that.

[autisticlee]

I can't relate super well to autistic people who are lower support needs and high masking. the ones i've tried to be friends with get frustrated at me for ~not being able to do things that are easy for them/they were able to do~ knowing these people are autistic and observing them has made me realise I have more support needs than most of the high masking, and i'm in fact bad to nearly incapable of actually masking. this includes masking being able to function if you have responsibilities and managing your get through, no meltdowns, no shutdowns, no loss of ability, but pushing through. they expect me to have the ability and masking levels they do and get too frustrated by me lacking that. there ends up being too much of a communication barrier between us, despite both being autistic. often they communicate with me the way they do allistics because they learned how to mimic allistic communication style and it causes our communication to fall apart because I can't communicate in that manner.

but I also probably wouldn't get along with higher support needs autistic people. I admit I haven't personally tried to become friends with any, because I don't know how to friends, but also haven't met many. but just from random ones i've seen post in tumblr or twitter or from random responses ive gotten, I can't share in all their specific experiences. they make sure I know their experiences are different and harder than mine no matter how much i feel i struggle. and i've accidentally made posts that resulted in at least a few getting upset at me because they feel like i'm not taking their needs/struggles seriously by trying to speak about mine and having some overlap on both the high and low sides. while probably seeming more "low support needs" and less struggling due growing up obsessed with words and grammar and writing. I tried super hard to find ways to communicate better with people since I couldn't speak to them, so I desperately learned how to write as well as I could. it has taken more than half an hour just to write this so far. very tired...

anyway, back on topic, they think I don't need as much support, so I can't speak up about needing support? not sure. even obsession with words doesn't mean saying right words and people understand. people still misunderstand. I try to take their feelings into consideration, but i'm still not sure what they want from me exactly? there's a communication barrier with high support needs just as much as with the lower support needs and allistics.

i'm always told when posting about friendship/people struggles "you just need to find/be friends with other autistic people! you can't expect to get along with allistics!" but these people saying this don't know I am talking about other autistic people. it's mostly people who tell me they're autistic who have misunderstood me and hurt me because they are ones I try to talk to.

anyway the point of this long ramble post where I keep getting off topic is I feel stuck in the middle. like i'm between the low support needs and the high support needs. is medium support needs real? I only see high and low talked about. I can't mask, have meltdowns, sensory processing and executive dysfunction problems so bad I can't do normal daily things correctly like shower and brush teeth and make food, am forced to do things I can't/mess up every time because i'm denied any help and support, so suffer alone, then I burn out in a single day. talking is very difficult, and i'm still punished if I don't do it. can't get jobs. pushed to mask but reminded I can't do it right no matter what and it upsets people...I'm rambling off topic again

I don't see many post (if any? can't remember) talking about "medium" support needs autistics. would I get along with them better? or would our needs and struggles still clash? dont know. but would be cool to relate at least if I saw more posts. writing this was too tiring. not going to proofread. hope makes sense and doesn't upset anyone because words are wrong and explained bad. but too tired to fix sorry. Just needed ramble for myself

[breelandwalker]

Going to preface this by saying that this is something that has helped ME, MYSELF, AS A SINGULAR PERSON, and is not meant to be a blanket recommendation or a broader truth or any kind of medical advice. I am also not looking for advice of any kind.

I have a hard time finding the mental and physical spoons to exercise. I have a day job that requires me to be sedentary, a side hustle that requires a lot of mental energy, and way too much housework and home repair stuff to deal with. All this plus ADHD. Between the battle with executive dysfunction and the energy needed to get through all my Have-To's, adding one more thing to my weekly routine or making time to go to the gym is just not an option.

But at the same time, I've got 40,000 miles on this chassis and a history of health problems in the family, so I need to be taking care of myself.

So what I've started doing is adding little bodyweight exercises to my day while I'm at work. If I'm sitting, it's arm circles or leg raises a few times an hour. If I get up for something, it's squats or wall presses. If it's lunchtime, it's a lap around the building. All stuff that gets me moving, engages muscles that aren't getting used enough, and can be done quickly more or less anywhere.

I've managed to turn this into a habit using an app, alongside reducing the sodium in my diet and eating more fruit, and I'm starting to feel less tired and more limber. I still have trouble with fatigue sometimes, but this routine change does seem to be sticking, which is a big win for me. Plus I don't have to waste money on gym fees and then feel bad when I'm too tired to actually go and use the equipment.

It's no picnic hitting your forties and realizing you have to start paying serious attention to all your bits and bobs because the warranty is DEFINITELY expired by now and you can't just ignore your blood pressure anymore, especially because three bouts of COVID have done a number on your heart and lungs. While I'm not going to turn into a fitness model or pick up jogging anytime soon, it sure was nice to go to a LARP event and not feel winded after combat.

Turning 40 ain't easy. But it damn sure beats the alternative.

[akajustmerry]

I know age milestones and expectations are fake but I have to say that I can't help but feel INCREDIBLY depressed that my life looks the same now as at it did when I was 23 and I have so little autonomy over my life currently unemployed and living and relying on my parents and being chronically ill and I'm 8 weeks away from being 30!!! I feel so lame!! And my executive dysfunction has been so bad since I was fired and everything feels so hard, like I know there are things I can change but they feel miles away on remote islands and it's all my fault. And I know it's not good to sit around thinking this way but I'm trapped in these thoughts on loop a week ago feels like a month ago or an hour ago and I feel like such a disappointment to all the versions of me I thought I'd be and everyone else.

[anonzentimes]

LONG ASS ASK INKOMING ZEN so its super cold in brazil today so typing is a little hard and there might be weird typos fkshdkjd but

when i was like 14 i had online friends that were also 14 and were into danganronpa but all they talked abt was the flaws of the series and how much they hated the more problematic aspects of it, it was a constant wave of gender discourse and sexuality discourse and nagito is a bad portrayal of mental illnesses and miu iruma is too sexual and this character is bad cause of xyz and that character is bad because of this and that and honestly whatever the fuck else you can argue about this series about, whenever i mentioned that danganronpa seemed fun and id like to get into it my friends would tell me that its not worth it, that the series is fucking horrid that i should run the other way and be glad i never entered the hellhole that is being a danganronpa fan

so thanks to this and like constant fucking weird shit coming out of the hell hole that is the fucking dr fandom on Twitter for like, four whole years I straight up didn't touch the series. a series that I was so fully aware that I would love btw, because i was always into gorey art and i found the art of dr so pretty and the characters had such intresting designs and the pink blood was so cool and i love the killing game genre and the mystery solving aspect, of danganronpa seemed so cool, i did not go near this series with a fucking 10-ft Pole

until literally maybe some months ago at 18 years old a streamer I like said on stream something like "oh yeah danganronpa is fucking awesome im so glad i played it" and I was like fuck it, this guy has high standards, if he likes it it cant be that bad. and so I downloaded trigger happy havoc and i was so pleasantly surprised by it, sure case 2 is a case that exists but like other than that i immediately fell in love with this franchise, i loved almost everything about the game, then i started sdr2 and nagito took over every single part of my brain within 0.2 seconds of gameplay AND DR2 IS SO PEAK JUST IN GENERAL udg was super fucking fun i love touko and komarus relationship and the warriors of hope so much, dr3 was awsome even if i didnt really care for future arc despair hope and 2.5 were awasome the end of drv3 hit me like a truck and it genuenly took me a couple hours to understand that my beloved class 77b wasnt just retconned out of existence and currently im trying to kill executive dysfunction and procrastination and read dr0 and again want to replay dr2 cause my hyperfixated ass would rather play the game when she should be alseep to know what happens next than play it when she isn't too tired to understand whats happening lmao

and after i was done with the series i sat down and thought about how i let 14 year olds on the internet who im not even friends with anymore keep me away from something that now i hold so dear and close to my heart, and i wonder how many people who would love danganronpa will never give the series a chance because not only does the wider interner find it cringe but the fandom constantly tell potential new fans to stay away and act like its the worst midea ever written, the way some people are unable to enjoy what they love without guilt is so sad because not only does it affect them but also others

and this is super personal but i wonder how danganronpa would have impacted me if i got into it back when i found out about it at 14, how much different having danganronpa to hang on to would have made my life when i was burning out at school because i was trying to survive neurodivergency hell with undiagnosed autism and possible adhd

dangabronpa is awsome i love it so so much

YOU JUST MADE ME FEEL SO UNBELIEVABLY YOUNG OH MY GOD. I HEARD ABOUT DANGANRONPA WHEN I WAS 11 I'M PRETTY SURE AHHHH HAHA!!! Overall I think this raises a good lesson that we should trust our guts and from our own opinions on media. Look into things you're curious about, learn if it's worth it yourself, and come to your own conclusions! I feel bad for those who never get to understand Nagito Komaeda, let alone know he exists. This franchise has some negatives but the positives outweigh the issues entirely to me and I wish people gave it more of a chance. dangabronpa is awsome INDEED lmfao.

[thetruejerrycan]

For years I thought I was just lazy, and always when it comes to interacting over the internet I rarely ever engaged and otherwise just waited for things to come my way. Now that I'm actually taking initiative to get my life turned around, I realized this is executive dysfunction

As of this post it is 4:40 in the morning and I could have closed my laptop and went to bed very easily about six hours ago but I chose not to, and this is not the first and it's not going to be the last time I give in to whatever looks more fun to me than what needs to be done

It's a very good thing that I can observe and understand something so metaphysical in my own self but this is such a bad time to be having this realization. I am so off-and-on about everything, it's the reason I never finish anything, and here I am trying to find paying work

Inconsistency and a lack of organizational skills are really not great traits to have as an employee and here I am coming to the conclusion that I possess both of those traits while I'm trying to make a living for the first time. I may have to come to terms with this on the clock

That's if I get hired, of course. Just sigh. Every day I wake up and wish my circumstances would magically change into something better, something perfect even. But even if I had the means, executive dysfunction would just get in the way. Maybe not then but later down the line

[my-lonely-thoughts]

I don't know if anyone else can relate to this but I'm feeling very alone with this right now.

For a while I keep getting this fatigue that is so bad

It makes me just lay down for hours and hours and I will usually go on my phone or watch tv to not go insane or fall back into my depression but I'm just so tired I cannot do anything.

I can't get up. I can't clean. I can't exist for a while.

It's this feeling of just wanting to not be in my body for like a day.

That's the only way I feel like I can truly rest.

And I'll usually find it really hard to leave this space.

I do experience executive dysfunction which sometimes mixes with or triggers this feeling but I have noticed a difference between the two.

I promise I don't want to die or anything, but the best way I can explain it is that I just don't want to, or it feels like I can't, exist for a while.

Does anyone else experience this??

((for more context))

About roughly a year or so ago I started getting seizures and major fatigue. I would faint and I feel dizzy almost every day to the point I feel like my body is going to drop.

I have had a really hard time adjusting with this as my seizures and symptoms have increased in severity and frequency. I've been to the E.R. far too many times.

However I get days where I feel okay and I feel like I'm faking it.

I'm currently undergoing more tests but I have yet to get a diagnosis for what is causing everything/what is going on.

Any advice or anything is welcome 💛

[anulithots]

Okay, So I finished reading 'They Both Die at the End'

Spoiler warning I guess? The book doesn't have that many spoilers, per se, because it 'spoils' the end of the book, and I actually love it when books spoil themselves, because I will read for hours for the promise of something and the suspense to get there.

And this is one of those books that I stop and look off to the side for a few seconds while reading. Where I think I'm not affected by what is going on as my insides turn to static mush and I don't realize until later while I'm walking around outside while pondering and processing it.

Because - well, for a few reasons - it didn't have the most poetic prose, and I mean that as a compliment. Going into it I expected poetic musings about what it means to live, the sort of thing where the meanings are hidden under layers of subtext as they go on for paragraphs about metaphors, which is a style I tend to like.

But this book? It's simple at to-the-point. It summarizes and describes feelings with words and concepts but... as they are: simply. And - while I am not saying one style is better than the other, and I probably should get rid of my misbelief that not all writing has to be metaphorical and flowery to be impactful, even if that is what I prefer for my own writing - the fact that it is told simply, with the characters repeating phrases and ideas over and over again with new light and switching to second person and... just stating the fact that they are dying, they don't like it, and they wish they had more time - I think that is pretty special, to have a book where that is stated simply, as it is.

Also, the thing where Mateo can't leave his apartment to live his life even though the clock is dwindling is so painfully relatable. Somewhere child-thoughts me believe that the end of my childhood is the end of my 'good life' in a sense, I can't waste it, even though would often do so because of executive dysfunction and berate myself for it later. So the idea of regretting all the have-nots, definitely spoke to the remnants of... I want to say '13-14-ish me'.

And I want to talk about what I found most special here, more so than any prose style or character dynamics (although they were all amazingly, painfully, wholesome), is that the point of the book is to enjoy your life while you have it, to live each day like it's a lifetime, which the book says that Mateo and Rufus did.

And yet, they did it with mundane things.

For me - being that child that needed to live everything in one day otherwise it was wasted - (Even though my best is 'one or two' special things if I'm on a hyperfixation, and I can't control when that happens) to see that the idea of 'living your life' was full of walking around and talking and exploring without any particular goal and taking naps when needed and being okay with a 'waste of time' and none of it being the grand things people associate with a 'life without regrets', that means so so much.

Like, I can sleep for longer because I'm a night owl and I need it, I can walk around and ponder for a bit without needing to do anything productive (which they don't do anything very 'productive'. Why would you if it was your last day? And yet, so many people - when saying to live without regrets - say to do something productive. That's not a bad thing, but the others said that was the only thing that would get me to live without regrets, living in the future or trying to hard to live in the present.)

I can have conversations with my siblings or do little activities with them or spend time with my plants, or even spend some time online. They spend some time online! On their last day! And it's completely okay!

And the way they died was so so heartbreaking, because even though you knew they would die at the end, you never thought it would be like THAT.

[clarification-sfw]

I feel like I'm the only one who feels this way. but I feel like my parents did a terrible job caring for me as a kid, rarely actually listening to me and my needs. oh you have executive dysfunction? I'm gonna verbally abuse you until you do work, surely this will help.

now that I'm an adult I feel like I'm missing all these core parts of being a person and my parents are like, "you're an adult, you should be able to do that" like bro you never taught me. how is it my fault if I'm bad at being an adult when it was YOUR JOB to get me there.

all the preemptive anger, manipulation, and guilting. I'm so fed up. I want to be treated like a real person with wants and desires. I have my own responsibilities and life but when I don't do ONE thing they ask me to and I'm a lazy slob who doesn't do anything. no I literally just can't devote all my energy into doing what YOU want. I could've done 12 hours of hard labour and because I didn't pick up a glass I'm lazy and don't do anything. any minor screw up is treated like it could end the world and is indicative of my poor character.

I fucking had to accommodate for their shitty parenting my whole childhood and now they have the audacity to be mad that I'm a fuck up. you did this, I at least tried.

[its-a-hil]

okay so teaching like sucks. at least early in your career.

like you have to learn how to do teaching well instinctually while also doing lots of work to make lesson plans

in a few years i'll be a better teacher just generally and i'll *also* have a bank of lesson plans to use.

and teachers who have taught for more years get paid more (note: i don't think this is a bad thing, but it's just a critique of the incentives at play. i also recognize that this is the case across many different industries where new employees do more work for less pay, it's not specific to teaching in any way)

can someone just like. slip meth into my water bottle so i can be competent without having to know the reason and thus not being addicted in a way that prevents me from stopping

also fuck baltimore city for squishing math classes to be ~80 min every day for one semester. it's clearly bad for academic outcomes to have students forget how math works after the ~8 months they spend not learning it, but also it's so much fucking work for me to plan two 80 min classes every single day. stop it. give me a fucking odd/even day so i can fucking rest half the time like i did last year.

genuinely i feel more stressed getting to my apt at 15:30 this year than i did getting home at 20:30 multiple days per week last year. and i have *significantly fewer* total student-hours (this year.

literally the only guidance i have is to just. deal with it until next semester when ive already taught the curriculum. and like yeah. it is nice to have something to look forward to (and i know i have the job security for it even if i'm not great this semester)

but like this sucks!! an executively dysfunctional girlie should not have to fucking do this! seriously i could become an engineer right now and my life would become so much easier for a like 80% instant pay raise once i managed to make myself submit applications

also the assumption from essentially all involved parties that my students will have access to laptops is. fucking disturbing

"just go to this google form to request a laptop!" also we didn't let you into the school unless you gave us a phone so you actually have no means of filling out that form unless you: (a) take an extra fucking phone with you into school, which a bunch of my students do because **of course** they want access to online and their families (b) write down the fucking url and take it home (c) have someone else give you access to their computer (i love security!) (d) remember both that it's a thing you can do and that the link is on the google classroom that you *definitely* joined and fill it out at home. you of course have a computer at home, everyone has one of those. what do you mean a bunch of these kids are homeless. that doesn't matter. just transfer them to a worse school then, that'll solve the problem.

oh my god aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

[pinehutch]

Thinking about how being the person you want to be requires — at least for me — conscious, deliberate practice, and sitting with discomfort, and dialoguing with that discomfort, and sometimes actively pursuing the discomfort —

And how I don't seem to have the kind of internal measurement apparatus that tells me when the discomfort is constructive and generative vs when it's destructive and unsustainable —

And how these two things, taken together, are implicated in so many of the times of Big Suffering Feelings for me.

There's an answer to this that probably rests in what I've been seeking anyway: healthy, intrinsic self-esteem, and the belief that I'm as deserving as anyone else just because I exist as I am. But then again, one of the things that I know I value is the ability to self-determine (to the extent we can). Like, my luxury gay space communism utopia is one in which we (collectively) have organized so that we (individually) are supported in the fulfilment of ourselves and what we can give to the world.

I want to feel okay with who I am and like it's okay to want to be someone a little different. I suspect this is actually very possible for 'normal people,' whatever those are, but the thing about executive dysfunction is that motivation machine broke.

It's so rare for me to want something in a way that feels like going towards, instead of moving away from. I want to succeed at this in order to appease that; I want to submerge myself in something to avoid the pain of something else. When I want something for itself, for the joy and delight it brings to me, it's frightening both in terms of that vulnerability and in terms of what achieving it would mean. How disruptive it would be.

I'm in a bad spot this weekend, because Operation Gradually Increase Activity appears to have backfired and I'm mostly immobilized with a knee issue. It's a beautiful Saturday in late summer and I'd quite frankly I'd like to be eradicated, immolated, utterly removed and replanted, because I've spent most of 2023 feeling ashamed of how I tried to take (force?) an Anais-Nin-risk-of-blossom when the soil conditions weren't right and it seems like that ruined what needed to be tended.

I've felt amused, delighted, tender, touched, flattered, loving this year, but the last time I remember feeling happy was, I don't know, two months ago? Maybe more? It lasted for about half an hour, and I fell asleep.

In a notebook, I have a two-page spread laid out with different dimensions of my life, and what I'd like them to look like, and when, and the degree to which each of them is substantially different from what my life currently looks like is something I haven't shared with anyone. None of them are about having, all of them are about living and doing but really, it's about creating the conditions in which I know I tend to feel happy.

I know that all of this means I should be getting back on the gratitude practice wagon, that I should be taking more hot girl walks (when I can, uh, walk again), that I need to resume the doing of happiness. The awful thing about adulthood, at least for me, at least since age 35, has been that there is never enough resilience* rebuilt before the next thing falls apart. The next grief, the next disaster, the next loss, the next impossible task. I assume we all live this way, and I just happen to be bad at navigating it.

Thank god there are still words, though. The word machine is not broke, it is a vintage model and the motor turns over every single time I turn it back on, eventually. Thank god we can sing about our calamities; it doesn't erase them, but at least it makes music.

[megumi-fm]

resuming to productivity

hey besties I haven't been regular for a while now and i think it's finally time to admit the elephant in the room. I'm not going to use words like executive dysfunction and burnout because if i'm entirely honest I don't really know what they mean and I'm afraid that I'd be appropriating these terms and/or greatly exaggerating my situation, but yeah, I'm struggling. I've been struggling for a while

A lot of work has been piling up over the weeks and for that exact reason I don't wanna do any of it and then more keeps piling up and. the vicious cycle just keeps going. I've been consuming way too much caffeine for my own good, and on the days I don't have access to coffee/energy drinks (which is usually the weekends when I'm home and my mom refuses to indulge my caffeine addiction) I'm passed out for most hours of the day. I'm avoiding most of my problems by doom-scrolling and my friends have been gaming on discord so I conveniently join them instead of getting any of my work done. And it's not like I'm enjoying either; everything I do to avoid work, I do while feeling completely stressed out and frozen. It's been... bad

and like yeah I know that at the root of all this procrastination and avoidance is really just a huge fireball of fear and apprehension and. I'm just so worried about how things are going to go. it feels like the time I have is so little and like I'm supposed to have planned out everything for the rest of my life in the next three months or something and. yeah. I feel compulsively driven to not even try. and instead of sitting with my resistance and processing these super unpleasant emotions I spent the past week trying to block out my brain and jump directly into a routine. and that went about as well as you'd expect. I was irritable and tired and I got nothing done.

so, yeah, I've been forced back into the healthy mature path of taking care of myself. Although it was obvious from the very beginning I always tend to learn the hard way- to be truly productive i need to pay attention to how I'm feeling.

---

I've decided I'm not gonna consider the last six days for my days of productivity. I'm noting today as day 45 of 100. Maybe I'll make a separate dop post by the end of the day, but we'll see. Note to self- completing any task, big or small, is good progress. I tend to get overexcited and take on wayy more than I'm equipped to hold, I wanna try to be aware of when I do that. yeah. this week is gonna be the 'in-my-feels' week