#and I'm having executive dysfunction hours in a bad way

[ashes-in-a-jar]

Oh my god

The word bun is literally shaped like a bunny

bun

[a-rebellious-waffle]

urgh you know that post about "people who weren't abused don't wish they were abused"

I'm having a real fun night wrestling with that

[sojourner-between-worlds]

Things about being a Christian I've had to unlearn as an adult:

Spending a lot of time on/ being invested in something doesn't make it an idol. This is not how that works, bestie. Look. I get that the advice "if you spend more time on x hobby than you do reading the Bible and praying" is well-intentioned, but it's just plain Bad. There are a lot of hobbies that take significant amounts of time. Art. Writing. Trade hobbies, like woodworking. I spent two hours Saturday putting in a garden (now that I have space for one!), and not spending two hours and one minute on Bible reading doesn't mean that gardening is now an idol for me. It means I got into a groove and just kept going (and got terribly sunburned for my trouble). What makes something an idol is NOT how much time you spend on it but rather the importance you place upon it. Sometimes important things take five minutes and sometimes they take an hour; the thing that took five minutes isn't less important because it took up less of your time. If your thought process is "this is more important than spending time with God", that is what makes your hobby an idol. (If you are constantly foregoing your time with God in favor of a hobby, then I'd say you need to re-evaluate your priorities, but spending a lot of time on something does not inherently make it an idol. Not to mention that a lot of hobbies can still bring you closer to God despite not spending that time intentionally for that purpose.)

Not having your "quiet time"/ devotions every day does not make you a "bad" Christian. This goes hand-in-hand with the previous point, and there's a lot I could say on this topic, but what it boils down to is this: God understands our human limits and the brains He gave us that sometimes make it difficult -- autism and ADHD and OCD and [fill in the blank]. I'm autistic. So when (well-meaning) people say things like, "you can't get to know God if you don't spend time with Him!" about praying and reading the Bible -- well, 'spending time' looks different for me. Socializing is difficult for me. And while socializing with God is obviously different than with people, praying is still far more mentally draining for me than for most people (especially growing up in an environment where it was implied that you have to 'say the right things' when you pray instead of just allowing it to be a conversation, but that's the next point). A lot of "socializing" for me is simply being present with someone else. This is called "parallel play": you're doing your own thing in the same space as someone else while they are also doing their own thing. This...doesn't translate well to Christianity and what Christianity is "supposed" to look like, unfortunately, so I constantly felt shame that none of the common advice worked for me when it seemed to work for everyone else. Set a time? Executive dysfunction makes switching tasks hard and once that set time has passed, "well, it's too late now". Having a reading plan? I'd miss a day, fall behind, and the shame at that would keep me from continuing to try. And when I did manage to stay on track, quite often it simply became a box to check off and that was it. So, now, I do what I can, when I can. I always get more out of it, and I think God cares more about that than sticking to a plan just so you can say you read every day anyway.

"Don't script your prayers! They'll become repetitive and you won't think about or mean them!" Oh, boy. Once again, I get the well-intentioned meaning here. You don't want your prayers to become rote and stale. But as someone with high anxiety, scripting them is the only way I can survive praying aloud with other people, and, in fact, it means I put more thought into them, not less! But hearing this kind of advice coupled with an environment where it was implied you had to say 'the right things, the right way' was absolutely detrimental to my prayer life growing up. I was always worried about saying the wrong thing, especially as an undiagnosed autistic who was constantly, ya know, saying the wrong things in conversations with people. So I definitely didn't want to say the wrong things to God! But... I also wasn't allowed to plan what to say? How was I supposed to pray then? So I just. didn't pray. For a very long time. Until I learned its just as perfectly okay to talk to God about whatever crosses your mind while you're standing at the sink doing dishes as it is sitting down with a list of things to focus on. (Not to mention that this really is just...terrible advice in general. Kudos to my pastor, who, in his current Sunday night series on worship, actually gave a tutorial on how to personalize praying the Psalms. So, you know, pre-written prayers.)

Purity Culture. Need I say more? Oh, I could write a whole post about how harmful this is, but plenty of people already have, so I'll leave it at this: I wear what I am comfortable wearing now. Something I love about my church is that our philosophy on modesty is this: The greatest sin of immodesty is saying "look at me" instead of "look at God." In other words, modest isn't about what you're wearing so much as what your attitude about what you're wearing is. If you choose what to wear because you want people to notice and stare and give you compliments, then that is immodest no matter how much of your skin is covered up. It's not immodest to wear clothes you like and that you think are attractive (or that help you look professional when its called for), but ultimately your mindset is really not about "dressing to impress." (There is a very thin line between 'modest' and 'immodest' and its not where most people think it is.)

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

I haven't seen it yet but full hc for the m6 with an MC on the ADHD spectrum

The Arcana HCs: M6 with an MC who has ADHD

~ @themushroomgoesyeet hope you like these! I'm writing half from personal experience, half from what I've read and heard. Please let me know if there's anything that need correcting! ~

Julian

ADHD is a less familiar subject for him, if only because his areas of specialty so far have been contagious diseases and battle wounds

He's also not really one to judge you for difficulty keeping a sleep schedule, self-medicating with caffeine, or spending days on end obsessively learning everything you can about a specific subject

What's abundantly clear to him, though, is that you do not deserve to live with the guilt that comes from your own brain hijacking every commitment and interest that it doesn't prioritize

He knows what it's like to feel guilty for something that wasn't your fault, and he doesn't like seeing you live with it

The way he sees it, he's even more to blame for his shortcomings than you are, because you're actively working against your own brain and he's just ... sad (you'll have to tell him that this is not true)

This is going to become one of those shared challenges you tackle together as a couple

He'll write down all the bad effects of too much caffeine to motivate him to reduce your combined intake

You remind him to go to bed with you at a decent hour and call it "poetry time" instead of "bedtime" to trick both of your brains into not thinking of it as the end of the day

Asra

They love you. They love you so much. They never, ever want to get in the way of your preferences and vision

He enables you maaaybe a little more than he should

Staying up late is a great idea! Spending the entire day on your current fixation with no break to go outside or talk to people? Hey, don't let them ruin your fun ~

Thankfully, he cares about you far too much to leave you to engage in anything genuinely self destructive

Once the amount of caffeine you've consumed goes from "inadvisable" to "concerning," once your sleep schedule goes from "not ideal" to "dysfunctional", they'll step in in the gentlest way

Another cup of coffee? Let him get you some soothing tea. Another all-nighter? Snuggle him first, let him help you meditate a bit and see if you don't get drowsy

Nobody can combat executive dysfunction like this magician

All it takes is them feeling the slowly building dread through your bond, and they're lovingly poofing you off of the couch/floor/counter and into a very ticklish hug

His lifestyle is heavily ADHD coded as it is. He remains completely unfazed by the roller coaster that your brain can be

Nadia

To her, you are the best possible version of her opposite

She has a hard time changing between trains of thought. You reboot yours every time you walk through a door!

She sometimes forgets to slow down and appreciate the small things in favor of the bigger picture. You, on the other hand, are constantly pausing to notice them

And don't get her started on how much she admires your capacity to learn so much specialized knowledge in such a short period of time. It's truly astonishing and she adores it

However, she can tell that leaving it unchecked and untreated will make it difficult for you to function in the Palace's normal setup, much less follow regular routines

Quick to find a specialist in your condition and set up a few sessions with them, coming up with ways to work with your diagnoses and exploring medication options that you like

Insanely good at helping you keep your mind on track and regulate your attention and focus levels, even when it means pulling you away from a task that's about to eat up half your day

Likes to idly study the chaotic way you manage your personal spaces and try to figure out what the method to the madness is

Muriel

What, you think he's not used to living with a chaotic being that'll start three projects in a row before randomly walking out and not reappearing for several hours? Please.

Truthfully, there are some small things that annoy him. He likes predictability, and your base state of functioning is taking the next random tangent. That's not easy to not worry about

However, he knows that living with him takes plenty of patience as well. As long as you two can be patient with each other's quirks, and respectful when you lovingly intervene, that's what matters

He still loves hearing you ramble

He likes watching your eyes light up, listening to the excited lilt of your voice as you infodump all the new specialized knowledge you've gobbled up

That aside, he does love learning. Each of your new fixations is a new field of education for him by proxy

He's also someone who thrives on habit and routine and isn't afraid to put his foot down when your wellbeing is involved

He will scoop you up in his arms and lovingly carry you to bed when the bags under your eyes get too prominent and you start to nod off mid-sentence

Portia

Portia looks at you like you hung the moon. Portia thinks that every magical thing you do is mind-blowingly amazing. Portia assumes that all of your little quirks and non-habits are just you being you

Hey, if finding one specific food and eating it and only it for days on end is something you want to do, cool! Maybe it's secretly satisfying some magician's craving!

You're going to think about one thing and one thing only and learn everything there is to know about that thing? That's some badass scholarly behavior right there.

Well - except for the part where you forget something exists as soon as it's not in your hand anymore, or where time really does seem like a social construct, or where you somehow get physically and mentally stuck in one spot without being able to move

That looks ... miserable

Nobody can manage chaos like she can. She'll help you snap out of it, she'll remind you to eat and sleep and take your meds, she'll regularly ask when last you went outside or took a bath

And when you mess up - when you miss an event, or fall behind schedule, or leave things to pile up until they're too much - she'll be right next to you with an encouraging smile and plenty of grace

Lucio

This works either really well or really poorly, depending on the day, how he's doing, how you're doing, what you're both supposed to be doing, what the weather's like ...

It's unpredictable, but that's the fun of it!

Much of the time, your strong points support each other. There are few feelings Lucio hates more than boredom, but with a brain like yours around, there's always something new to try or think about

Few things cause the kind of bone-deep discouragement and guilt that constantly missing things does, but nobody values the importance of trying again like he does

On the other hand, sometimes you accidentally enable each other

Lucio's still learning the self-regulation involved with choosing to do something unpleasant and important over doing something enjoyable and completely useless

And if your brain decides that said pleasant thing is the only thing it's going to function for, well, not getting sidetracked is almost impossible. Good luck to you both

Thankfully, you both have a lifestyle that allows for unusual schedules and working styles. As long as you have each other to keep trying growing, you'll never get stuck for long

[askthehcc]

hey Tango! do you have any advice for someone stuck in executive dysfunction mode who really needs to Get The Task Done?

Tango: hmmm... well I'm not sure exactly what executive dysfunction is, but man do I sure Not Do Things sometimes, heh.

Tango: Like, l'll totally intend to do, like, the dishes or something, but then just somehow keep scrolling on my phone for hours?

Tango: I'm not totally sure how I manage to get myself out of it, but it seems to help when Skizz gets home from work and, like, breaks me from that Funk™, you know?

Tango: the awesome thing about Skizz is that he never seems to, like, hold me by my lack of doing things.

Tango: I feel super bad and like the world's shittiest housemate, sure, but he never, like, snaps or has a go at me or anything, which is really nice of him.

Tango: Usually he just, like, says something like, 'Hey Top, your laundry has been hanging here for a couple days, do you need me to unblock this for you?'

Tango: And then he'll help me work out what's stopping me from doing it, cause it usually tends to be, like, I'm out of hangers in my wardrobe or something and I don't know where to put stuff when I take the airer down.

Tango: So, I don't know.

Tango: I'm sorry I don't have great advice.

Tango: [Rubs his neck]

Tango: I guess my advice is to get yourself someone like Skizz who will help you out with this stuff without judging you for it...

Tango: Yeah, I'm sorry.

---

Skizz: Tango? Oh, yeah, totally. He definitely has ADHD.

Skizz: I'm kinda waiting for a good time to have that conversation with him, honestly.

Skizz: The thing about Top is that he has impossibly high standards for himself that he just cannot drop.

Skizz: And I'm trying to work out whether or not a conversation about something like that would make him spiral or cause him to ease up on himself.

Skizz: And I just really don't know which way the penny will fall right now, so... you know, while I work that out, I'll just make sure things are made as easy as possible for him.

Skizz: He's a great guy and so determined and so... ridiculously hard working. Me giving him a little bit of breathing room at home is the least I could do, you know?

Skizz: Top's my boy, after all. He's my homie. My buddeh, if you will.

Skizz: And first rule of JC, you gotta take care of your buddies.

Skizz: It's as simple as that.

[thedreadpiratematt]

I'm sad and I'm not always great at processing sadness and I think it's supposed to be good to write things out so I'm doing that now. I'm sad because:

-My Great Uncle Ed died this morning, he was almost 101 years old. We didn't get down to see him but once every few years, but when I was a child he was like another grandpa to me. Even with a five hour drive I'm sad we never made it a bigger priority to see him at least once a year. But I'm glad he's at peace and I'm glad I got to introduce him to Christina this Spring.

-Christina has been bad sick with a stomach bug since halfway through Christmas Day, and I feel awful for her, what a miserable way to spend the holidays :( she was sick for 7 of our 8 hours driving home from Illinois on the 25th, and she was too sick to go to her extended family's (belated) Christmas Eve on Wednesday. This leads to

-Christina is still sick today, our 5 year anniversary. Having to cancel our reservations at a real nice place tonight, and she's not even feeling well enough for our traditional donuts from the shop where I asked her to be my girlfriend. But I'm happy she really loved the gift I got her :)

-It is highly likely she won't be able to attend her family's already twice pushed back Christmas day tomorrow :(

-we've basically been living as hermits this entire time in the same house. I'm living in the living room and sleeping on the couch while she takes our bedroom so as to hopefully avoid me getting sick, which has thankfully worked so far. But I've also been off work this whole time for various reasons, so I've had very little social interaction and I'm a pretty big extrovert.

-NYE plans maybe cancelled too?

-the living room is a mess and I need to make my habitat more habitable to feel better, but the old executive dysfunction/sadness combo has me on the ropes :(

I feel much worse for Christina than I do for myself, but I am still sad.

Now, I'm going to get some sunlight, and some breakfast, and maybe a little smoke and I'll take my day from there. Wish me luck!

[autisticlee]

I can't relate super well to autistic people who are lower support needs and high masking. the ones i've tried to be friends with get frustrated at me for ~not being able to do things that are easy for them/they were able to do~ knowing these people are autistic and observing them has made me realise I have more support needs than most of the high masking, and i'm in fact bad to nearly incapable of actually masking. this includes masking being able to function if you have responsibilities and managing your get through, no meltdowns, no shutdowns, no loss of ability, but pushing through. they expect me to have the ability and masking levels they do and get too frustrated by me lacking that. there ends up being too much of a communication barrier between us, despite both being autistic. often they communicate with me the way they do allistics because they learned how to mimic allistic communication style and it causes our communication to fall apart because I can't communicate in that manner.

but I also probably wouldn't get along with higher support needs autistic people. I admit I haven't personally tried to become friends with any, because I don't know how to friends, but also haven't met many. but just from random ones i've seen post in tumblr or twitter or from random responses ive gotten, I can't share in all their specific experiences. they make sure I know their experiences are different and harder than mine no matter how much i feel i struggle. and i've accidentally made posts that resulted in at least a few getting upset at me because they feel like i'm not taking their needs/struggles seriously by trying to speak about mine and having some overlap on both the high and low sides. while probably seeming more "low support needs" and less struggling due growing up obsessed with words and grammar and writing. I tried super hard to find ways to communicate better with people since I couldn't speak to them, so I desperately learned how to write as well as I could. it has taken more than half an hour just to write this so far. very tired...

anyway, back on topic, they think I don't need as much support, so I can't speak up about needing support? not sure. even obsession with words doesn't mean saying right words and people understand. people still misunderstand. I try to take their feelings into consideration, but i'm still not sure what they want from me exactly? there's a communication barrier with high support needs just as much as with the lower support needs and allistics.

i'm always told when posting about friendship/people struggles "you just need to find/be friends with other autistic people! you can't expect to get along with allistics!" but these people saying this don't know I am talking about other autistic people. it's mostly people who tell me they're autistic who have misunderstood me and hurt me because they are ones I try to talk to.

anyway the point of this long ramble post where I keep getting off topic is I feel stuck in the middle. like i'm between the low support needs and the high support needs. is medium support needs real? I only see high and low talked about. I can't mask, have meltdowns, sensory processing and executive dysfunction problems so bad I can't do normal daily things correctly like shower and brush teeth and make food, am forced to do things I can't/mess up every time because i'm denied any help and support, so suffer alone, then I burn out in a single day. talking is very difficult, and i'm still punished if I don't do it. can't get jobs. pushed to mask but reminded I can't do it right no matter what and it upsets people...I'm rambling off topic again

I don't see many post (if any? can't remember) talking about "medium" support needs autistics. would I get along with them better? or would our needs and struggles still clash? dont know. but would be cool to relate at least if I saw more posts. writing this was too tiring. not going to proofread. hope makes sense and doesn't upset anyone because words are wrong and explained bad. but too tired to fix sorry. Just needed ramble for myself

[breelandwalker]

Going to preface this by saying that this is something that has helped ME, MYSELF, AS A SINGULAR PERSON, and is not meant to be a blanket recommendation or a broader truth or any kind of medical advice. I am also not looking for advice of any kind.

I have a hard time finding the mental and physical spoons to exercise. I have a day job that requires me to be sedentary, a side hustle that requires a lot of mental energy, and way too much housework and home repair stuff to deal with. All this plus ADHD. Between the battle with executive dysfunction and the energy needed to get through all my Have-To's, adding one more thing to my weekly routine or making time to go to the gym is just not an option.

But at the same time, I've got 40,000 miles on this chassis and a history of health problems in the family, so I need to be taking care of myself.

So what I've started doing is adding little bodyweight exercises to my day while I'm at work. If I'm sitting, it's arm circles or leg raises a few times an hour. If I get up for something, it's squats or wall presses. If it's lunchtime, it's a lap around the building. All stuff that gets me moving, engages muscles that aren't getting used enough, and can be done quickly more or less anywhere.

I've managed to turn this into a habit using an app, alongside reducing the sodium in my diet and eating more fruit, and I'm starting to feel less tired and more limber. I still have trouble with fatigue sometimes, but this routine change does seem to be sticking, which is a big win for me. Plus I don't have to waste money on gym fees and then feel bad when I'm too tired to actually go and use the equipment.

It's no picnic hitting your forties and realizing you have to start paying serious attention to all your bits and bobs because the warranty is DEFINITELY expired by now and you can't just ignore your blood pressure anymore, especially because three bouts of COVID have done a number on your heart and lungs. While I'm not going to turn into a fitness model or pick up jogging anytime soon, it sure was nice to go to a LARP event and not feel winded after combat.

Turning 40 ain't easy. But it damn sure beats the alternative.

[akajustmerry]

I know age milestones and expectations are fake but I have to say that I can't help but feel INCREDIBLY depressed that my life looks the same now as at it did when I was 23 and I have so little autonomy over my life currently unemployed and living and relying on my parents and being chronically ill and I'm 8 weeks away from being 30!!! I feel so lame!! And my executive dysfunction has been so bad since I was fired and everything feels so hard, like I know there are things I can change but they feel miles away on remote islands and it's all my fault. And I know it's not good to sit around thinking this way but I'm trapped in these thoughts on loop a week ago feels like a month ago or an hour ago and I feel like such a disappointment to all the versions of me I thought I'd be and everyone else.

[anonzentimes]

LONG ASS ASK INKOMING ZEN so its super cold in brazil today so typing is a little hard and there might be weird typos fkshdkjd but

when i was like 14 i had online friends that were also 14 and were into danganronpa but all they talked abt was the flaws of the series and how much they hated the more problematic aspects of it, it was a constant wave of gender discourse and sexuality discourse and nagito is a bad portrayal of mental illnesses and miu iruma is too sexual and this character is bad cause of xyz and that character is bad because of this and that and honestly whatever the fuck else you can argue about this series about, whenever i mentioned that danganronpa seemed fun and id like to get into it my friends would tell me that its not worth it, that the series is fucking horrid that i should run the other way and be glad i never entered the hellhole that is being a danganronpa fan

so thanks to this and like constant fucking weird shit coming out of the hell hole that is the fucking dr fandom on Twitter for like, four whole years I straight up didn't touch the series. a series that I was so fully aware that I would love btw, because i was always into gorey art and i found the art of dr so pretty and the characters had such intresting designs and the pink blood was so cool and i love the killing game genre and the mystery solving aspect, of danganronpa seemed so cool, i did not go near this series with a fucking 10-ft Pole

until literally maybe some months ago at 18 years old a streamer I like said on stream something like "oh yeah danganronpa is fucking awesome im so glad i played it" and I was like fuck it, this guy has high standards, if he likes it it cant be that bad. and so I downloaded trigger happy havoc and i was so pleasantly surprised by it, sure case 2 is a case that exists but like other than that i immediately fell in love with this franchise, i loved almost everything about the game, then i started sdr2 and nagito took over every single part of my brain within 0.2 seconds of gameplay AND DR2 IS SO PEAK JUST IN GENERAL udg was super fucking fun i love touko and komarus relationship and the warriors of hope so much, dr3 was awsome even if i didnt really care for future arc despair hope and 2.5 were awasome the end of drv3 hit me like a truck and it genuenly took me a couple hours to understand that my beloved class 77b wasnt just retconned out of existence and currently im trying to kill executive dysfunction and procrastination and read dr0 and again want to replay dr2 cause my hyperfixated ass would rather play the game when she should be alseep to know what happens next than play it when she isn't too tired to understand whats happening lmao

and after i was done with the series i sat down and thought about how i let 14 year olds on the internet who im not even friends with anymore keep me away from something that now i hold so dear and close to my heart, and i wonder how many people who would love danganronpa will never give the series a chance because not only does the wider interner find it cringe but the fandom constantly tell potential new fans to stay away and act like its the worst midea ever written, the way some people are unable to enjoy what they love without guilt is so sad because not only does it affect them but also others

and this is super personal but i wonder how danganronpa would have impacted me if i got into it back when i found out about it at 14, how much different having danganronpa to hang on to would have made my life when i was burning out at school because i was trying to survive neurodivergency hell with undiagnosed autism and possible adhd

dangabronpa is awsome i love it so so much

YOU JUST MADE ME FEEL SO UNBELIEVABLY YOUNG OH MY GOD. I HEARD ABOUT DANGANRONPA WHEN I WAS 11 I'M PRETTY SURE AHHHH HAHA!!! Overall I think this raises a good lesson that we should trust our guts and from our own opinions on media. Look into things you're curious about, learn if it's worth it yourself, and come to your own conclusions! I feel bad for those who never get to understand Nagito Komaeda, let alone know he exists. This franchise has some negatives but the positives outweigh the issues entirely to me and I wish people gave it more of a chance. dangabronpa is awsome INDEED lmfao.

[thetruejerrycan]

For years I thought I was just lazy, and always when it comes to interacting over the internet I rarely ever engaged and otherwise just waited for things to come my way. Now that I'm actually taking initiative to get my life turned around, I realized this is executive dysfunction

As of this post it is 4:40 in the morning and I could have closed my laptop and went to bed very easily about six hours ago but I chose not to, and this is not the first and it's not going to be the last time I give in to whatever looks more fun to me than what needs to be done

It's a very good thing that I can observe and understand something so metaphysical in my own self but this is such a bad time to be having this realization. I am so off-and-on about everything, it's the reason I never finish anything, and here I am trying to find paying work

Inconsistency and a lack of organizational skills are really not great traits to have as an employee and here I am coming to the conclusion that I possess both of those traits while I'm trying to make a living for the first time. I may have to come to terms with this on the clock

That's if I get hired, of course. Just sigh. Every day I wake up and wish my circumstances would magically change into something better, something perfect even. But even if I had the means, executive dysfunction would just get in the way. Maybe not then but later down the line

[anulithots]

Okay, So I finished reading 'They Both Die at the End'

Spoiler warning I guess? The book doesn't have that many spoilers, per se, because it 'spoils' the end of the book, and I actually love it when books spoil themselves, because I will read for hours for the promise of something and the suspense to get there.

And this is one of those books that I stop and look off to the side for a few seconds while reading. Where I think I'm not affected by what is going on as my insides turn to static mush and I don't realize until later while I'm walking around outside while pondering and processing it.

Because - well, for a few reasons - it didn't have the most poetic prose, and I mean that as a compliment. Going into it I expected poetic musings about what it means to live, the sort of thing where the meanings are hidden under layers of subtext as they go on for paragraphs about metaphors, which is a style I tend to like.

But this book? It's simple at to-the-point. It summarizes and describes feelings with words and concepts but... as they are: simply. And - while I am not saying one style is better than the other, and I probably should get rid of my misbelief that not all writing has to be metaphorical and flowery to be impactful, even if that is what I prefer for my own writing - the fact that it is told simply, with the characters repeating phrases and ideas over and over again with new light and switching to second person and... just stating the fact that they are dying, they don't like it, and they wish they had more time - I think that is pretty special, to have a book where that is stated simply, as it is.

Also, the thing where Mateo can't leave his apartment to live his life even though the clock is dwindling is so painfully relatable. Somewhere child-thoughts me believe that the end of my childhood is the end of my 'good life' in a sense, I can't waste it, even though would often do so because of executive dysfunction and berate myself for it later. So the idea of regretting all the have-nots, definitely spoke to the remnants of... I want to say '13-14-ish me'.

And I want to talk about what I found most special here, more so than any prose style or character dynamics (although they were all amazingly, painfully, wholesome), is that the point of the book is to enjoy your life while you have it, to live each day like it's a lifetime, which the book says that Mateo and Rufus did.

And yet, they did it with mundane things.

For me - being that child that needed to live everything in one day otherwise it was wasted - (Even though my best is 'one or two' special things if I'm on a hyperfixation, and I can't control when that happens) to see that the idea of 'living your life' was full of walking around and talking and exploring without any particular goal and taking naps when needed and being okay with a 'waste of time' and none of it being the grand things people associate with a 'life without regrets', that means so so much.

Like, I can sleep for longer because I'm a night owl and I need it, I can walk around and ponder for a bit without needing to do anything productive (which they don't do anything very 'productive'. Why would you if it was your last day? And yet, so many people - when saying to live without regrets - say to do something productive. That's not a bad thing, but the others said that was the only thing that would get me to live without regrets, living in the future or trying to hard to live in the present.)

I can have conversations with my siblings or do little activities with them or spend time with my plants, or even spend some time online. They spend some time online! On their last day! And it's completely okay!

And the way they died was so so heartbreaking, because even though you knew they would die at the end, you never thought it would be like THAT.

[clarification-sfw]

I feel like I'm the only one who feels this way. but I feel like my parents did a terrible job caring for me as a kid, rarely actually listening to me and my needs. oh you have executive dysfunction? I'm gonna verbally abuse you until you do work, surely this will help.

now that I'm an adult I feel like I'm missing all these core parts of being a person and my parents are like, "you're an adult, you should be able to do that" like bro you never taught me. how is it my fault if I'm bad at being an adult when it was YOUR JOB to get me there.

all the preemptive anger, manipulation, and guilting. I'm so fed up. I want to be treated like a real person with wants and desires. I have my own responsibilities and life but when I don't do ONE thing they ask me to and I'm a lazy slob who doesn't do anything. no I literally just can't devote all my energy into doing what YOU want. I could've done 12 hours of hard labour and because I didn't pick up a glass I'm lazy and don't do anything. any minor screw up is treated like it could end the world and is indicative of my poor character.

I fucking had to accommodate for their shitty parenting my whole childhood and now they have the audacity to be mad that I'm a fuck up. you did this, I at least tried.

[thatcatinthewindow]

I never knew how bad trying to get healthy while in an abusive relationship could be. I never thought me getting diagnosed and treated for my ADHD and being in therapy would be such a problem when part of the reason he spent years treating me like total shit was because of my executive dysfunction. I swear it began to get worse the day I had my first evaluation appointment. He fought with me all day until maybe 2 hours before the appointment. I was exhausted before my appointment even started. Ever since it's gotten worse and worse. He stopped taking his meds and hasn't been medicated since July and it has been mental torture. He literally won't stop and then blames me for not wanting to be loving towards him. He's blamed me for treating me so bad because we haven't had sex yet when I tell him you need to treat me and my daughter better for me to want to have sex with you he continues to blame me. He said to me last weekend "I think part of the reason I have been so messed up lately is because I haven't jizzed" so I said "why don't you jerk off?" And got an "I don't know". He refuses to treat me better for more than like 15 hours and asks me to have sex with him still. I'm done giving in to that shit. He doesn't get to treat us like shit and still benefit. He keeps blaming me that I don't come to cuddle him before he goes to sleep at night or I don't hug him or kiss him before he leaves for work when he's not asking or trying to do the same either. I can't keep having to put all of the work in and still be treated like I'm the problem. He acts as if quitting drinking was all he needed to do to get better and like I should be licking his asshole because he's "changed so much" and "done so much work". He won't even lift a finger at home while watching me have breakdown after breakdown about how hard it is to have everything be on me. He thinks because he has a job that he doesn't have to do a thing. He disparages what I bring in monthly even though he wouldn't eat without my fucking fs's. When I tried to ignore the things he was doing to bring me down that's when he went full force and stopped his meds. It feels like he did that because if he's off his meds he can blame it on his mental illnesses. So now, I'm back to being the same depressed piece of shit that I was before I started my ADHD treatment journey. I can hardly function most of the time to be able to get our household in order and I'm neglecting so much. Things have been so stressful because of the end of summer, and getting my kiddo back in school and then having to transfer her last minute. Now I'm in charge of transportation to and from school which is two buses there and back. I can't sleep at night. Then when I try to take a nap in the morning because there is no way I'm making it through the day if I don't I end up sleeping too long even if I set alarm after alarm and move to the other room. I'm on the wrong dosage of medication because I had to call in my meds the week before my last appointment so that makes everything much more difficult because even before I was legally medicated I was taking two 5mgs a day so I've been on 10mg too long and I almost feel the same as if I was unmedicated. The only thing it helps is that awful weight, but this Saturday I didn't take my Adderall and I really didn't feel any different. So things have been extra hell. I slept better when I was medicated properly, but my body has grown too used to the dosage I think. So, on top of having so much dependant on me, having him actively trying to make every day harder, and being poorly medicated at the moment everything is too overwhelming. I don't think I would feel this way if he hadn't spent almost every day since June 14th making everything so painful I wouldn't be feeling as much this way. He has done a fantastic job at making me hate him.

[its-a-hil]

okay so teaching like sucks. at least early in your career.

like you have to learn how to do teaching well instinctually while also doing lots of work to make lesson plans

in a few years i'll be a better teacher just generally and i'll *also* have a bank of lesson plans to use.

and teachers who have taught for more years get paid more (note: i don't think this is a bad thing, but it's just a critique of the incentives at play. i also recognize that this is the case across many different industries where new employees do more work for less pay, it's not specific to teaching in any way)

can someone just like. slip meth into my water bottle so i can be competent without having to know the reason and thus not being addicted in a way that prevents me from stopping

also fuck baltimore city for squishing math classes to be ~80 min every day for one semester. it's clearly bad for academic outcomes to have students forget how math works after the ~8 months they spend not learning it, but also it's so much fucking work for me to plan two 80 min classes every single day. stop it. give me a fucking odd/even day so i can fucking rest half the time like i did last year.

genuinely i feel more stressed getting to my apt at 15:30 this year than i did getting home at 20:30 multiple days per week last year. and i have *significantly fewer* total student-hours (this year.

literally the only guidance i have is to just. deal with it until next semester when ive already taught the curriculum. and like yeah. it is nice to have something to look forward to (and i know i have the job security for it even if i'm not great this semester)

but like this sucks!! an executively dysfunctional girlie should not have to fucking do this! seriously i could become an engineer right now and my life would become so much easier for a like 80% instant pay raise once i managed to make myself submit applications

also the assumption from essentially all involved parties that my students will have access to laptops is. fucking disturbing

"just go to this google form to request a laptop!" also we didn't let you into the school unless you gave us a phone so you actually have no means of filling out that form unless you: (a) take an extra fucking phone with you into school, which a bunch of my students do because **of course** they want access to online and their families (b) write down the fucking url and take it home (c) have someone else give you access to their computer (i love security!) (d) remember both that it's a thing you can do and that the link is on the google classroom that you *definitely* joined and fill it out at home. you of course have a computer at home, everyone has one of those. what do you mean a bunch of these kids are homeless. that doesn't matter. just transfer them to a worse school then, that'll solve the problem.

oh my god aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

[pinehutch]

Thinking about how being the person you want to be requires — at least for me — conscious, deliberate practice, and sitting with discomfort, and dialoguing with that discomfort, and sometimes actively pursuing the discomfort —

And how I don't seem to have the kind of internal measurement apparatus that tells me when the discomfort is constructive and generative vs when it's destructive and unsustainable —

And how these two things, taken together, are implicated in so many of the times of Big Suffering Feelings for me.

There's an answer to this that probably rests in what I've been seeking anyway: healthy, intrinsic self-esteem, and the belief that I'm as deserving as anyone else just because I exist as I am. But then again, one of the things that I know I value is the ability to self-determine (to the extent we can). Like, my luxury gay space communism utopia is one in which we (collectively) have organized so that we (individually) are supported in the fulfilment of ourselves and what we can give to the world.

I want to feel okay with who I am and like it's okay to want to be someone a little different. I suspect this is actually very possible for 'normal people,' whatever those are, but the thing about executive dysfunction is that motivation machine broke.

It's so rare for me to want something in a way that feels like going towards, instead of moving away from. I want to succeed at this in order to appease that; I want to submerge myself in something to avoid the pain of something else. When I want something for itself, for the joy and delight it brings to me, it's frightening both in terms of that vulnerability and in terms of what achieving it would mean. How disruptive it would be.

I'm in a bad spot this weekend, because Operation Gradually Increase Activity appears to have backfired and I'm mostly immobilized with a knee issue. It's a beautiful Saturday in late summer and I'd quite frankly I'd like to be eradicated, immolated, utterly removed and replanted, because I've spent most of 2023 feeling ashamed of how I tried to take (force?) an Anais-Nin-risk-of-blossom when the soil conditions weren't right and it seems like that ruined what needed to be tended.

I've felt amused, delighted, tender, touched, flattered, loving this year, but the last time I remember feeling happy was, I don't know, two months ago? Maybe more? It lasted for about half an hour, and I fell asleep.

In a notebook, I have a two-page spread laid out with different dimensions of my life, and what I'd like them to look like, and when, and the degree to which each of them is substantially different from what my life currently looks like is something I haven't shared with anyone. None of them are about having, all of them are about living and doing but really, it's about creating the conditions in which I know I tend to feel happy.

I know that all of this means I should be getting back on the gratitude practice wagon, that I should be taking more hot girl walks (when I can, uh, walk again), that I need to resume the doing of happiness. The awful thing about adulthood, at least for me, at least since age 35, has been that there is never enough resilience* rebuilt before the next thing falls apart. The next grief, the next disaster, the next loss, the next impossible task. I assume we all live this way, and I just happen to be bad at navigating it.

Thank god there are still words, though. The word machine is not broke, it is a vintage model and the motor turns over every single time I turn it back on, eventually. Thank god we can sing about our calamities; it doesn't erase them, but at least it makes music.