#and I’ve been unproductive due to the pain

[lovebugmovedelsewhere]

Damn, maybe the infp crybaby stereotype is true.

[little-svt]

GENDERNEUTRAL | FLUFF | VALENTINE’S DAY

Wc: 1.6k+

Taglist: @pastel-princess-please @kiki-woo @fishsquishh

To You

Xu Minghao rarely thought about Valentine’s Day until the day of when gifts, sweets and chocolates from staff, a few friends and occasionally his mother would pour in to be abandoned due to his diet or his general indifference to sweets. Sometimes if the gift was pretty or useful, he’d find a place to display it, otherwise, they’d be forgotten in a closet somewhere or regifted to someone he felt could make better use of it than he would.

He’d never really worried about giving gifts or doing anything special for Valentine's Day that didn’t involve work. Even outside of work, he was surrounded by dudes who were receiving the same sweets and gifts treatment that he was.

With no lover, Valentine’s Day was just another day. But with you, Valentine's Day may as well have been every day. You were the only person he cared to show his undying love and affection for. The only person who he’d go out of his way to gift you your favorite treats and things he knew you needed. He’d find no more satisfaction in anything other than spending his time attached to you and caring for his clumsy, little baby.

Unfortunately, he hadn’t even had time to think about Valentine’s Day this year, his work taking him on a plane, overseas, and on a completely different schedule than you. He’d wanted things to be different now that he had you, but he was ashamed to say, just like last year and the years before, he hadn’t even noticed the day rapidly approaching until the night before. During his performance, heavily panting through the end of a song, it hit him like a truck when he saw a sign with pink and red glitter lettering.

‘The8 Be My Valentine?’

He’d noticed his stage name as his eyes scanned the crowd in front of him as he walked off to the side, finishing his part. It wasn’t the vast amounts of local tourist food he’d been eating making him sick, but the fact that he had no plans, no gifts, no idea what he was going to do.

The moment Seventeen we’re off stage for the night, getting ready to leave, he debated asking any of the members for help, but he had to pick carefully. Half of them were practically dunces when it came to romance and the rest would potentially laugh in his face. Though they meant well, no malice intended, it was unproductive.

Soonyoung? No. Mingyu? Probably not. Vernon? Definitely not.

“Jihoon Hyung?”, Minghao whispered, pained embarrassment on his face as he offered a bottle of water to the older member, his desperate plea.

Prying himself from Soonyoung, directing him to Dokyeom and the others, Jihoon followed Minghao to a corner, out of eavesdropping distance.

“Yea? Are you okay?”, he cracked open the water, giving the younger some space to speak.

“Do you know what tomorrow is?”, Minghao sighed and out his back against the wall.

“Yes.”, Jihoon thought for a moment before rubbing at his temples,”You didn’t.”

“What can I do? Do you have some old love song? What should I buy? How should I buy it? Hyung we aren’t even in the same country. What am I thinking?”, Minghao groaned, rubbing his face with his eyes toward the ceiling.

“I’ve never seen you this worked up.”, Jihoon almost laughed at his dongsaeng's suffering and desperation, it was kind of his own fault, but he thought better of it, “let me make some calls. You at least know what they like, at least that much, right?”

“Yes! I’m not that bad of a boyfriend!”

“Gasp-“, Jun covered his mouth dramatically, halting in his spot as he approached the two, “What did you do?! Did you… this will break Y/n’s heart!”

“What?! It’s not that bad! Hyung, tell him it’s not that bad.”, Minghao was spiraling.

“What’s not that bad?“, Jun giggled, having no idea what the two had been chatting about in the first place.

“Ge…I hate you.”, catching on Minghao grabbed his bag and his phone and shooed the playful kitty away so he could confirm his plans with Jihoon.

“Hi, Bāobèi.”, Minghao spoke softly, once you adjusted your position in bed and your phone camera to your liking. Both of you were barefaced, fresh out of the shower. He’d stayed up late, first with Jihoon making plans, and late enough to where you’d be getting ready for bed and he could FaceTime you with no interruptions.

“Hi.”, you sighed blithely, just happy to see his face and hear his voice when there were no other people watching, just for you, to you.

“How was your day?”, he asked, contented as he listened to you speak about trivial things.

He liked to listen to you talk. When he had to he could talk to no end but it was nice being the observer, the listener. Especially when the one he was watching was so cute. He could sit there forever only nodding and interjecting when it felt right. But eventually, you began to yawn, your tone growing tired and your eyes feeling heavy.

“Tired already?”, he questioned, sitting up and checking the time. Just a little longer and you could go off to sleep peacefully, but not yet, “Why don’t you talk with me a little more? I missed you. Did you catch a live stream when we performed?”

“Of course I did. I’d never miss a show, even if I have to lock myself in my office bathroom.”, you giggled, “your stylists have quite the talent for making me flustered.”

“Oh, is that so? Well, the entire time I was thinking about how I’d rather be home with my Bāobèi in my arms and your (plushie name) in yours while we watch some movie we’ve seen a thousand times and count down the clock to midnight so I can be the first to tell you how much I love you and ask you to be my Valentine.”

“Don’t lie.”, you could feel yourself almost buckling. This man had a way with words when he wanted to, one would fall for it every time, “You love performing.”

“You’re right.”, he chuckled softly, “But that does sound much better than being here in this hotel room alone, though FaceTiming does have its charms.”

Finally, what he was waiting for. Your head snapped left first in surprise then confusion as you heard your doorbell buzz from across your apartment.

“Hold on… someone’s at the door. I’m gonna check the doorcam.”, you step off your bed, holding the phone to your chest as you crossed the house.

“Be careful~”, he sang, knowing there was nothing to worry about even at this late hour.

Being as quiet as possible, you tiptoed to the screen on the wall next to the door, a man leaving down the hall. Confused, you cracked the door to see delivery bags and packages on the floor behind it.

“MINGHAO! Was this you? There’s so much. Gah.. you really-”, complaining, you abandoned your phone on the counter inside so you could free up both hands and bring everything inside.

Once everything was safe on your kitchen counter, your front door secured once again, you couldn’t help but notice the peeps of pinks and reds through the bags, only remembering your phone when Minghao softly giggled to himself.

“It’s not funny. What are you thinking?”, you caught your breath, your cheeks red either from being flustered or the strenuous activity of carrying all the bags inside.

“Open everything. I wanna see.”, he grinned, shuffling sounds being carried by your speaker as he sat up in bed.

Setting your phone on your counter so he could see, you moved to the obvious bag first, shooting him odd looks that were quickly swept away by your blush once you’d fully revealed the bright bouquet of roses, the suspects of red and pink from before. Smiling as he watched, Minghao directed you to open the rest, insisting he watched. Amongst the items he’d ordered for you were a card, a frog plush, your favorite takeout, and a tray of assorted Valentine themed candies and gummies.

“Oh! Open that one!”

Quirking your eyebrow at the plain white box in front of you, you opened it and pulled out the cube inside, a heart directly on the front.

“Plug it in and turn it on”, he giggled, his phone coming closer to his face as he tapped on his screen.

Immediately after following his directions, the heart began to spin, startled you yelp and stepped away. Feeling a bit childish, especially after hearing him laugh, you grumbled and took the lid off, revealing a message.

‘Happy Valentine’s Day, Bāobèi. - Bàba’

“Hao..”, you pouted, picking up your phone.

“What’s that?”, he questioned.

“Bàba..”, you corrected yourself, your heart melting as you played with the edge of the box.

Minghao was more of a words guys, sometimes a cuddles guy, but never had he gone so over the top for you.

“This is too much.”, you forced a pout, your smile hiding behind it, though unsuccessfully.

“It is a bit much isn’t it? If only I could have delivered it myself.”, he sighed, suddenly the feeling of your absence aching in his chest, “Now, don’t think too much of me. I forgot it was Valentine’s Day.”

“Hao!”, you scolded, suppressing your laughter because, “Of course you did.”

“I know, I know. Are you going to keep calling me that name or can I talk with my Bāobèi before i pass out for the night”

Remembering it was late for him, you swallowed your pride and let yourself drown in this display of his affection.

“Thank you, Bàba”, you whispered, hugging your new froggy friend to your chest, a perfect Bàba replacement when he was away from home

“Anything for you, Bāobèi”

🧸Endnote: let’s ignore that red, white a black day are the main thing in SK and how it’s not like this at all 🤪 I had a lot of ideas for Valentine’s Day but this one ended up being the one that came to life. We all need some Hao hours. ~ 🐶🐰🍓

🧸Masterlist🧸

[bengustown]

A closer look at Team OJQG

Hey!! It’s been a while since I last updated the info on my RWBY AU regarding Ozpin’s inner circle, so I thought I’d dump the profiles I’ve written so far here. I’m currently working on the general storyline and the side characters including Team SKRW (Summer, Kali, Raven, Willow), so stay tuned for that!! :]

OZPIN SMARAGDINE

- Ozpin is the son of a middle class family, the Smaragdines, from Vale, and is sent to Beacon in order to become a freelance huntsman. He himself also wants to attend Beacon in order to find out more about himself and his recent fusion with Ozma's and thus the late King of Vale's soul.

- He's often a quiet, smart young man - and a chaos enabler at the same time. He only acts all wise and cool, though a piece of it still remains. He wants to help people.

- He hasn't been able to regain all of the King of Vale's memories and struggles with the fact that he's just another life of Ozma's.

- He distances himself from his teammates in order to not involve them with whatever is happening to Ozma - he later on learns that he can't carry all of this on his own.

RELATIONSHIPS

- Glynda Goodwitch: Ozpin and Glynda used to be childhood friends, but lost sight of each other. Reuniting at Beacon, the two of them start to reconnect - Glynda is worried about Ozpin, though. He's changed a lot, and Ozpin is aware.

- James Ironwood: Ozpin is sceptical of James's decisions and brute force solutions at first. He slowly warms up to him after the big confrontation in V2, however. He enjoys his company, even if the two may not see eye-to-eye sometimes.

- Qrow Branwen: Ozpin isn't sure how to feel about Qrow. With time, though, the two really hit it off and Ozpin finds secret enjoyment in Qrow's schemes.

- Summer Rose: Oz and Summer don't interact much. They're pretty good friends, Summer can open up to Oz and occasionally worries for him. Big brother/younger sister relationship?

- Raven Branwen: Oz is mostly neutral on Raven. Their relationship only develops after V4, and they're a bit hostile towards each other. Ultimately, the two of them become allies - not friends, though they do open up to each other from time to time.

- Kali Belladonna: Kali and Oz share similar views and get along pretty well with each other. Good buds!

- Willow Schnee: Oz slightly worries for Willow due to her quiet nature, even if they aren’t good friends. They’re allies.

GLYNDA GOODWITCH

- Glynda is an ambitious young woman from Vale, and aims to become a famous huntress. Her semblance manifested very early on and set great expectations for her due to its power. She attends beacon in order to not let her family down.

- She's rather stern and doesn't like unproductivity. Even though she may seem like she has a stick up her ass, she does sometimes find pranks and the like funny. She rolls her eyes at a lot of Qrow's mischief, then lets it slide.

- Over the course of the story, more and more pressure is put onto her, plus additionally having to worry about everything, until she snaps. She realizes that she's grown similar to Ozpin before his development and deals with this in V4.

RELATIONSHIPS

- Ozpin Smaragdine: Ozpin and Glynda used to be childhood friends, but lost sight of each other. Reuniting at Beacon, the two of them start to reconnect - Glynda is worried about Ozpin, though. He's changed a lot. What could he be hiding?

- James Ironwood: Glynda isn't fond of James's methods. She's on a similar wavelength to him about mischief, the only difference is that James is way more vocal about his dislikes. She sometimes ends up seeing him as a child as a result.

- Qrow Branwen: Glynda rolls her eyes at Qrow's schemes occasionally. She thinks his snarky and uncaring attitude could definitely be dropped, and so could his constant fights with Ironwood.

- Summer Rose: Glynda gets along pretty well with Summer. Good friends!

- Raven Branwen: Glynda doesn't really like Raven. Mutual respect is the result.

- Kali Belladonna: Glynda likes Kali's upbeat attitude and doesn't mind spending time with her!

- Willow Schnee: Glynda gets on really well with Willow. Her quiet nature allows her to be a lot more laid-back in conversation, and Glynda values that.

QROW BRANWEN

- Qrow is a scheming young man from the Branwen tribe who was sent to the academy with his sister, Raven, to learn to kill the huntsmen the tribe hates so much.

- He's foul-mouthed, playful and likes to ignore every single rule presented to him. He doesn't care about people who are up their own ass about their ideas of what's just and what isn't, instead relying on his own sense of 'just do what's good enough for yourself.'

- His arc revolves learning that he needs to care about other people, as well. He needs to accept that not everyone will share his views and the views that the tribe has forced on him. His team helps him grow as both a person and a fighter.

- ADDITIONAL: In this AU, the Branwen family has the inherited ability to turn into Ravens. It’s similar to the Schnee-inherited semblance, but it’s not.. a semblance in that sense. It’s complicated.   

RELATIONSHIPS

- Ozpin Smaragdine: Ozpin and Qrow get along fairly well after a rocky start. Qrow trusts Ozpin to not be as stuck-up as any others and thinks he's a nice guy.

- Glynda Goodwitch: Qrow thinks that Glynda is a bit too strict and enjoy teasing her, but overall the two get along.

- James Ironwood: Oh boy, do these two fucking despise each other. Qrow hates James's attitude and basically everything he stands for. The two fight a lot, even with weapons. Their relationships comes to a climax in V3 and they slowly work past their differences.

- Summer Rose: Qrow likes Summer a whole lot. She's a bit of a brat, and that's what makes it fun to him!

- Raven Branwen: Qrow and his sister aren't close. Their views of their past grow to be different. Qrow values emotional bonds to his now-friends more and sometimes even sees Raven as a coward due to her actions.

- Kali Belladonna: Enjoys her upbeat troublemaker personality and likes hanging out with her, doing foodfights and the like when the oppurtunity presents itself.

- Willow Schnee: He does not like Willow, but they don't interact much. To Qrow, she's just another Atlas brat.

JAMES IRONWOOD

- James is the son of an upper class Atlas politician and is sent to attend Beacon because his father wants to make it clear that he, in fact, 'cares about the other kingdoms as he should.' In reality, his father couldn't care less. James is there to boost his public image.

- James is uptight and headstrong, often resorting to solve problems with brute force and power. He's cold, analytical, and values rules over all. Despite everything, he tries his very best - he does enjoy interacting with other people, even if he isn't great at it.

- In his arc, he comes to terms with his privilege, battles with prejudice against lower class citizens and Faunus and confronts his beliefs about his father's true intentions.

- ADDITIONAL: James, at the start of the show, has one metal leg, due to his fathers extremely painful training. 

RELATIONSHIPS

- Ozpin Smaragdine: The two of them don't bond very well until V2, after which they start to enjoy each others' company more.

- Glynda Goodwitch: To James, Glynda is one of the few people who shares similar views with him... which isn't exactly right. He sees her as mature and, even if she may express her dislike at times, they ultimately still care for each other.

- Qrow Branwen: Mutual hatred for each other. James hates everything about Qrow. His uncaring nature, his attitude towards rules and order, you name it. To James, Qrow is just another runt. Their relationship comes to a climax in V3 and they slowly work past their differences.

- Summer Rose: He isn't exactly fond of her, but doesn't mind her.

- Raven Branwen: James and Raven do not get along, end of story. Put them in a room and you'll end up with a very long speech or a dead body.

- Kali Belladonna: Not sure what to think of her. Doesn't mind her.

- Willow Schnee: James relates to her, considering the whole 'way too high expectations' stuff. He empathizes with her and sees her struggles. The two of them bond, although they aren't really friends.

--

Annnnd that’s it! Reblogs are very appreciated as always, and thank you for reading. If you have any questions/want to share ideas, don’t be scared to send me an ask!!! :]

[rosethesongbird]

Lady of the Lake Chapter I

Geralt felt Jaskier’s breath hot at the back of his neck. The smaller man let out a small noise, like the whine of a hurt dog. His forehead touched Geralt’s hair and he could feel the beads of sweat pouring off his face. 

“Do we need to stop?” Geralt tried to let his voice be tender, less cold than his usual growl. Jaskier only groaned in response. 

“Hm.” 

Roach was running as fast as she could with two riders, but it was jostling both of them pretty intensely—and his bard’s condition needed stillness, calm, care, not a rough horseback ride. However, they had no choice. When his friend was taken ill, they were in the middle of nowhere, barely finishing a kill. He had not noticed the ailment until Jaskier had collapsed while walking next to Roach. He felt some sort of odd sensation in his stomach—must be guilt. He had ignored the bard’s usual complaining. He was like a needy puppy—always asking for attention—so he had assumed it was merely that desire since he was preoccupied with a hunt. 

Of course, the one time he decided to not pay any attention to the complaints was the one time they were serious. He had fallen to the ground, completely unconscious, and burning up in fever. Upon waking he had immediately vomited, and quickly grew less and less coherent. Originally, Geralt had intended to wait the illness out for a day or so, then make the travel to the next town. However, when a day went by and Jaskier was still very sick—worse, even—he had decided they needed to haul ass to whoever might be able to help. He could only hope that the day lost in seeking treatment would not prove fatal. 

Jaskier suddenly sputtered to life—coughing, retching, moaning—and Geralt immediately pulled Roach to a stop and dismounted. He was still burning up, but impossibly pale—lips blue, skin grey, eyes glassy. He coughed and retched for a moment unproductively as Geralt gently rested one hand on his shoulder to keep him from collapsing. Jaskier hadn’t eaten or drank anything in a day, so there was nothing to throw up. He breathed a shuddering, hitching breath. 

“Geralt,” he moaned. 

“I’m right here, what do you need?” he felt like the other man’s blue eyes could burn a hole in his skin. There was an air of vulnerability to this that the nearly untouchable Witcher was very uncomfortable with. 

“Don’t leave m’here.” his words were slurred and far from his usual quick wit.

“I would never, bard. Come on, let’s go. We need to get you some help.” 

Jaskier sobbed. “Hurts…” 

“I know it does. We need to get moving, the sooner we get to this town, the sooner we can rid you of your pain.” 

The bard moaned and went limp in Geralt’s arms. He picked him up and set him back on Roach. Jaskier had always been smaller than him, but now he was impossibly light and frail. His doublet hung lightly out of the pocket on Roach’s back and the linen shirt he wore was filthy, soaked in sweat and vomit. There was nothing else they had for him to wear. 

—

They finally reached a small, but bustling town, just as the sun was setting. It appeared that the local food market was closing down. Geralt dismounted Roach and led her, with Jaskier now shivering atop the saddle, into town. 

“Is there a doctor here?” his voice came out threatening, desperate. Different than he had heard it ever before.

A small, older man looked up at the bard, still moaning, then back down to Geralt. “You’ll need magic to fix that one,” he said. “Due east from here there is a lake, can’t miss it. Ring the bell at the dock. There is a woman who lives on the island in the lake. She can fix anyone.”

“How long will it take me to get there?” 

“Only about fifteen minutes, if your horse’s fast. Her name is Epione. She’s the best in the business.” 

Geralt grunted and pulled Jaskier back to a seated position. He managed a “thank you” as he got back on to Roach, and took off. 

Seven minutes of worrying silence went by on Roach’s back, pierced only by Jaskier’s labored breathing. Labored breathing became moaning, and moaning became wailing. Every jostle on Roach’s back was suddenly like agony, and Geralt decided to dismount and carry the bard in his arms, Roach following dutifully. They were swiftly running out of time, and the woods were dark. He wanted to bolt, to run, to sprint, but he could not do much more than a brisk walk without the dark-haired man screaming in pain. 

Jaskier moaned his companion’s name. “Please,” 

“Please, what? What do you need?” 

“Help, G’ralt, please,” he said, wheezing. A wet cough escaped his lips. 

“We’re almost there, I promise,” Geralt tried to comfort his traveling musician. He wasn’t sure his promise was true, but Jaskier was so delirious, he probably wouldn’t remember this if—when—he recovered. He didn’t want to think about what he would do if his friend did not become himself again. “You should try to drink something,” 

“Can’t…I’ll be sick,” he looked up at Geralt with blue eyes, diluted with fever. “Already wanna be sick.” His breathing quickened, wheezing. 

“Hm.” Geralt sped up his pace as much as possible without causing undue pain. Well, more undue pain. 

—

They emerged from the forest onto a beach. A rocky beach, with a lake, the lake with an island, the island with a cottage. There was a small dock going out onto the water, and a bell attached to a pole on the dock. There was a sign near the bell, written in English, and in runes. It simply read “Epione’s Home. Ring for crossing.” There was a pole for horses, and a small trough on the beach. Geralt quickly tied up Roach, and walked over to the bell, reluctantly ringing it. Jaskier moaned and buried his head into Geralt’s shirt at the sound. 

A woman suddenly appeared from the forest behind them. “Can I help you?” she said. Geralt spun around, surprised that his heightened senses didn’t notice her earlier. He was a little preoccupied. 

“I’m Epione, the keeper of this place,” she said, cautiously walking closer. She was small, but had strong arms, concealed under a long sleeved shirt and linen overdress. Her long hair was in a braid, coiled at the back of her head into a bun. “I heard screaming, and I thought you may be coming to seek treatment. Please, come, and untie your horse. I have a safe place for her on the island.” She gestured toward the water and a wooden bridge appeared, rising from the still waters of the lake. She was calm, measured. Despite her young appearance, she seemed accustomed to situations such as these. 

“You must be Geralt of Rivia, the witcher,” her footsteps were near silent on the bridge. “I’ve heard the stories about you. What’s going on with your friend here?”

“Are you an elf? A mage? How are you doing this?” Geralt was on high alert. He stepped cautiously on to the wooden bridge, and Roach dutifully followed. She seemed human, but not mage, and definitely not an elf. 

Epione shrugged. “Well, that’s not an answer to my question, but, I guess I’m a mage of sorts. The kind of magic I use is ancient—older than elves. It has been in my family for generations, and I have resolved to use it for good, not for violence.” 

Geralt was silent, staring straight ahead. That seemed like a fair answer. He could not sense dishonesty. 

“So, now that you know my life story, what’s his? His name? What’s going on?” 

“This is Jaskier, my… traveling companion. Two days ago he collapsed after a hunt, and he has been like this since.” 

“Hm. What kind of symptoms?” The light of the moon revealed her ginger hair and freckled skin. 

Jaskier moaned before Geralt could respond. He coughed before muttering “D-don’ leave me, Geralt, pl-please,” 

“I won’t, Jaskier. This girl can help you,” Geralt said, as reassuringly as he could. “Can you tell her what’s been going on?”

Jaskier was silent. 

Epione came nearer to the man. “I’ll get you fixed up soon, I promise,” she said, smiling softly. He met eyes with her, nodded slowly, and with a long, shuddering breath went back to resting his head on Geralt’s chest. 

—

As they stepped foot onto the island, the wooden bridge disappeared. The cottage on the island brightened with candlelight. Epione led them inside and gestured to a bed in the front of the room. There was a small cabinet nearby, covered with herbs, poultices, bottles of elixirs and full of who knows what else. A fire in the stone fireplace grew, seemingly from a smolder. Geralt laid Jaskier on the bed, and the dark-haired man grasped weakly at Geralt’s shirt. 

“No, Geralt, no, nonono no no,” he started getting agitated, breathing faster. 

Geralt was about to step in when the small girl crouched by the bed. “Shh, it’s alright, songbird,” she said, gently turning his head to look at her. “You’re safe here.” He immediately began to calm as soon as he met eyes with her. His breathing was labored, and he winced in pain, but he was silent. 

“Do you know where you are?” she was cupping his cheek in one hand, stroking his temple with her thumb. Her other hand was deftly unbuttoning his shirt. 

“Mmh, no… who are you?” He went into a fit of coughing, and her hand started gently rubbing circles into his now bare chest. “My name is Epione, I’m the healer here, and keeper of the pool.” She turned her head, hands still working on Jaskier’s clammy skin. “Geralt, would you mind filling this with some fresh water from the lake? We need to start working on getting that fever down, and quick,” she handed Geralt a small wooden bucket, with some rags inside. Geralt nodded silently and did as he was asked. 

Upon returning inside, Epione smiled at him and whispered her thanks. As she began placing the rags strategically, wiping the days-old sweat off his body, Geralt felt another pang of guilt. Jaskier’s stomach was red, bruised, swollen, angry-looking, and he had no idea. He didn’t even look, and this stranger immediately knew what to do. He was snapped out of his own thoughts by a soft whimper from Jaskier when Epione placed a cloth over his forehead and eyes. 

They were silent for a few seconds while Epione placed a hand gently on his stomach.  “Has he been vomiting?” she said, eyes trained on her patient. 

“Yes,”

“How much?” 

Geralt thought for a moment. “Basically every time he eats or drinks something.”

“Hm. He is pretty dehydrated. Any tenderness in the abdominal area?” 

“I think so. He got to where he couldn’t tolerate riding the horse.” 

Epione sighed. “I’ll be right back, hold on for just a minute,” she said softly to Jaskier. She stood up and gestured for Geralt to come outside. He lingered inside for a moment, eyes trained on the heaving rise and fall of the bard’s chest.

“So, I don’t want to frighten you, not that I think you are frightened by many things, Witcher,” Epione said, softly. “But I think I know what may be wrong with him, and the treatment is, well, complicated.” 

“Hmm,” Geralt growled. Just what he was worried about. 

“I think this is an infection of an internal organ, one we don’t know the purpose of. However, removal of this organ does not appear to be harmful, but it is complicated by what I think is a rupture of that organ.” She sighed. “Basically, what I’m saying is, I’m going to have to cut him open and find out.”

“When?” 

“Sooner rather than later. The longer we wait the more the infection spreads.” 

“Hm. If it must be done then it must be done. He’s in a bad way.” 

Epione nodded. “Thankfully, I can numb the area with magic, and we’ll do our best to keep him calm. I’m sure I’ll need your help, if you don’t mind,” she said, smiling. “He seems pretty attached to you. You must have been friends for a long time.” 

Geralt allowed a hint of a smile to cross his face. 

—

“Jaskier, wake up,” Geralt said, quietly. 

“Mmh, no, want to sleep,” moaned Jaskier. 

“I want you to wake up at least for a minute. We need to talk about what we can do to treat you,” 

Jaskier’s eyes fluttered open. Geralt was crouched by the bed. Epione was standing behind him, wearing a stark white apron over her dress, her hands and nails so clean they near sparkled. She pulled up a chair next to Geralt, smiling softly. She brought a small glass to Jaskier’s lips. “You need to drink something, sweetheart,” she said. He took a cautious sip. “It won’t kill you, I promise. It’s just for pain and to calm your nerves.” He took another sip as she began gently stroking his lower belly. Her hands began to glow, as if they were lit from inside. 

“Look at me, bard,” Geralt said, firmly. Jaskier slowly turned toward his friend. “I like you,” he said. Geralt shook his head. “You must have finished your tea,” he said. A stifled laugh bubbled up from Epione. 

“How are you feeling, songbird?” she said, calmly. Geralt noticed a small, sharp knife being cleaned in her hands. 

Jaskier frowned. “My tummy feels funny,” 

Epione looked at Geralt. “I’m going to do something that’s gonna make you feel so much better, sweetheart,” she said, turning back to her patient. “But I need you to keep looking at Geralt, okay? You’re probably going to feel some pulling, and your legs will probably fall asleep, but there shouldn’t be any pain at all, alright?” 

Jaskier nodded, his head lolling. “My head feels…h-hot…and my legs feel cold,” he said, to no one in particular. His breathing was still labored, but he was clearly not concerned about anything that was happening. Epione glanced toward Geralt and met his eyes. Geralt placed his hand on the bard’s cheek, brushing his hair out of his eyes. It was his job to make sure Jaskier didn’t look at what Epione was doing. Both of them agreed that it would be too panic-inducing for him to know what was happening. After the fact is different, but during… him keeping still was the most important thing. 

“Hey, Jaskier,” said Epione, after about 30 seconds of quiet. She had silently made her first cut, deftly, like a dance. “Why don’t you sing a song for us?” Geralt could hear the sounds of her rummaging around in Jaskier’s stomach. Smart, he thought. “I’d love to hear some straight from the source, not from the copycats we have here in town,” she said, her eyes smiling, preoccupied with both hands inside of the incision. 

“See, Geralt, sssssomebody appreciates my t-talents,” he slurred. Geralt only scoffed in response. “Fair lady, of…of…of course I’ll ssssing for y-you.” The irony of Jaskier, flirting with a woman who actively was rummaging around in his guts, was not lost on Geralt. 

He began to sing, breathy and shaky, but his voice all the same. 

The fairer sex, they often call it 

Epione sliced something inside of Jaskier’s body and tossed it, bloody, into a dish on the floor. 

But her love’s as unfair as a crook 

She looked around inside, scraping, slicing, sprinkling with a small vial of water. 

It steals all my reason

Geralt watched Jaskier’s face paling considerably despite the relatively small amount of blood lost. 

Commits every treason

Jaskier grimaced and flinched, breathing quickly and heavily now, but didn’t stop singing. 

Of logic, with naught but a look

Geralt felt him press against his hand, desperately trying to turn and look at the woman working. He shook his head and mouthed “No,” to the smaller man. 

A storm breaking on the horizon

Jaskier started to trail off as Epione began to stitch up the three-inch wound. “Come on, sweetheart, stay with me,” she said. “I’m almost done, finish your song,” 

Of longing and heartache and lust

Geralt gently tapped Jaskier’s cheek as he moaned. “Wake up, Jaskier, keep singing. This may be the only time you hear me say that, so take advantage of it,” 

She’s always bad news 

Stitching, 

It’s always lose, lose

and pulling, 

So tell me love, tell me love

“You’re doing great, songbird, almost done,” said Epione.

How is that just? 

Epione joined in quietly in the chorus, in an effort to keep his focus away from her work. 

But the story is this—

She’ll destroy with her sweet kiss

Her sweet kiss

She wiped off the incision area and applied a bandage. 

But the story is this

She’ll destroy with her sweet kiss

“All done, Jaskier,” she said, after covering his lower body with the blanket. Geralt moved his hand and sighed. He didn’t realize he was holding his breath. She took a clean rag and wiped the sweat from his face. He grimaced and arched his back. “You were so brave, sweetheart.” 

“Did-did you like my song?” he said, breathless, chest thick with sickness, still burning with fever. 

“Yes, darling, it was lovely,” she said, smiling. She tenderly stroked his face. “You’ll be a little sore tomorrow, but you can rest now.” 

He was already asleep. 

Chapter 2 here

[mimzy-writing-online]

Hey!! I was wondering if you had any advice for a character concept I've been playing with? :) long story short, my character wasn't born blind, but throughout the story she progressively becomes blind from cataracts- cortical vision impairment to be exact. Is this inherently a bad concept? I really don't want to misrepresent this, and the last thing I want is to make people mad about it. Is there a way I should go about this? Thanks!!

Later message from same Anon: Hey! Just following up on my ask of writing a blind character in the Victorian era- sorry if I missed it

Note: in a message between the first and third, anon added that this story takes place in the Victorian era.

You certainly did not miss it, I’ve just been lazy (struggling) with blog maintenance and have been procrastinating answering several asks.  Historical fiction is out of my area of expertise, so this required more research than general advice.

Also, my first and second attempts at an answer were eaten away by computer/tumblr difficulties, so I had to rewrite a lot.

I think it is a fantastic idea to have your character go blind slowly over time. It is also ambitious, so it is something you need to be careful with, but it’s totally doable.

So the era throws me a little because I’ve never had much practice with historical fiction and history wasn’t a fave subject of mine. Most of my research into blind history has been after World War I, because the sudden surge of blinded veterans changed the course of history for the blind community. This and technology overall led to those huge changes.

So I did a little reading up on the recent evolutions of blindness and the world’s general understanding of it in the 1800s.

Conclusion: society was shit with disability, but I already knew that. There were some remarkable inventions and innovations for blindness in this century, which I will get to later.

 So this post will be: 1. The more personal aspects of going blind over time (instead of all at once) such as acceptance vs denial, life changes, and internalized ableism. 2. Speculating on society’s perception of the blind. 3. Innovations for the blind in that era and what comes after.

 So, part one. The Emotional…

As someone who has slowly lost vision over the course of years and has no idea how far this will progress, I can tell you that it’s an agonizing process of realization, denial, understanding, acceptance, adaption.

Realizing you’re going blind comes in small pieces that eventually add up to become a puzzle. And for this reason, adaption follows a similar pattern.

You identify a problem, feel conflicted about this change, wonder if you should ignore or investigate, and regardless of which path you take, you find a new way to adapt.

I’m going to use an example of my process through this, so you can see the actual thought patterns and how they circle between “this isn’t a problem” – “wait this is a problem” – “no I’m fine!” – “this is a problem.” – “I’m fine, what am I complaining for” – “I made this change and now my life is 100x easier??? Who knew? Why didn’t I do this sooner?”

Example from my life: Light is bright. That hurts but I’m fine. I get sunglasses. The pain with bright light is getting worse. Okay, that’s concerning, maybe I should talk to a doctor. Doctor says I’m fine but now I’m thinking I’m not okay. Why are my eyes doing this? Why do I hurt? Oh, and now bright lights at night are becoming a problem, and I get more headaches associated with light. I could wear sunglasses at night and indoors, but society has given me a negative and judgemental opinion of that, so I don’t want to do it. Best friend pushes me to give up on that negative view for the sake of my health. Finally I listen and life feels much better, but I’m still a little uncomfortable with this change. I feel very blind with my sunglasses, but that’s the only way to not feel pain. And now I feel blind when I’m not wearing any light protection, but I’m in pain this way. What’s wrong with me?

And this is just my internal argument with sunglasses and light sensitivity, from age 17-22. On the other side is my struggle with “do I need a cane” from age 21-22, which goes like this-

It’s August and I’m walking through a semi-familiar but gigantic and ridiculously crowded park with a group of friends. It’s bright out and I need to wear my sunglasses. And now I’m realizing there is a dilemma. I can’t see. My sunglasses are too dark to see. But going without is painful and just as bad vision wise. BUT I CAN’T SEE! I’m scared, I’m going to run into someone or something, I’ll get lost or separated from my friends and not be able to find them. I can’t see curbs or pillars or people and the only thing keeping me safe is holding onto K, who knows my current vision situation when no one else does

And I think to myself- this day would be so much easier if I had a cane.

But I haven’t needed one before, and I don’t ‘normally’ need one. Just every time I go outside on a sunny day. I don’t need it all the time, so I can’t have one, I’m fine.

But these things keep happening, where I’m outside and terrified but I think I’m still “sighted” and my only problem is some light sensitivity and not-super-great sunglasses. My glasses let me see 20/20 (or they did, which they did not a year later) so I definitely don’t need a cane at all.

Young past self, you were so wrong. You needed that.

Eventually I had a breaking point when one year later I’m seeing 20/50 with best correction (so, by legal definitions I’m not even visually impaired yet) but I’m terrified of leaving my house and can’t travel alone and am a literal danger to myself because I can’t see and can’t tell people I can’t see because of social anxiety and internalized ableism-

And the breaking point was that I finally got seriously hurt because I was in a situation where I couldn’t see and wasn’t brave enough to ask my current company to be a sighted guide. That’s the day I ordered a cane, and when it came two weeks ago, I finally remembered what it’s like to not be so terrified for my life every time I left my home.

Your character will over time find problems with her daily life that she didn’t have before, and she’ll deal with each one individually, but with all of them will usually be a repeating thought pattern that is unique to her. It depends on her internalized ableism and society’s ableism (and that era is full of it) and accommodations available to them at the time (also not great).

She’ll solve each problem at a different point that may coincide with other problems and yet still seem like entirely separate problems to them. Like how I wouldn’t relate my need for sunglasses and my need for a cane at the same time because they felt like separate battles to me with their own timelines and similar but still different thought processes.

You will have to decide on a case by case basis what accommodations or accessibility she can have at that time.

 Society’s view on blindness:

It’s shit.

It’s not great now, in the world of information available at your fingertips. It’s desperately worse in history.

 (TW: abuse of disabled people mentioned -thoroughly- in the next two paragraphs)

Everyone with a disability was treated like shit. Sensory disabilities (Deaf or Blind or Deafblind people) and mental illness were treated the worst. There is historical religious persecution against them, saying that they were made ill by the devil or a vengeful God. Which lead to abuse. They were seen as helpless or unproductive, defective, and so were treated as burdens upon their family and society. Because of this, abuse from parents and family members was horribly common for disabled people. Disabled people were often left in asylums by their family members because they were seen as a burden, where there was usually still more abuse to come.

There are still children with disabilities who are abused by their parents, families, care givers, or any facility they’ve been placed in. The cases of abuse are less, but by no means over.

 Ableism in general is just rampant and it’s only cured through the distribution of information. Most people (today) have never met a blind person in real life, had a conversation with one. Through the internet they can find information, but in pre-internet and media eras I can’t imagine how much ignorance runs about.

Most people think blindness is something that only happens with old age, birth defects, or tragic accidents. Or that blindness is obvious in a person. Not the case, as we both know, but certainly a cause for many misunderstandings.

 This section is where the development of technology and understanding of blind people begins, but there’s still some ugly history involving abuse of the disabled to come.

Technology and History

 (TW: abuse towards historical disabled people in next paragraph)

In 1785 the Institut National des Jeunes Aveugles, the world’s very first school for the blind was established in Paris, France. It was opened internationally to children who society had previously deemed unteachable. Valentin Haüy witnessed acts of bullying and cruelty done to blind hospice patients and it inspired him to attempt teaching a blind beggar. He taught the boy to read through raised letters (because Braille was not yet invented). The school he founded could better be described as a trade school, because its primary purpose was to teach work skills like letter press and weaving (going back to Valentin’s childhood, whose family worked as weavers)

Due to criminal activity (he was labeled as a terrorist related to the French Revolution and was a member of the Panthéon Club) he was forced to leave the school in 1802. He later moved to Russia (1806) and began a new school upon the request of Alexander I of Russia.

(TW: child abuse mention in next paragraph)

After his leave, the school had a change in leadership and location, and subsequently quality. Sébastien Guillié became the new director and was later forced to leave because of the inhumane conditions of the facility and welfare of the children. Those children lived in a French Revolution prison that was refurbished as an asylum/school for their education. It was cold and dirty. They were kept in the dark, only allowed to bathe once a month, and poorly fed. This went on until 1821 when he was forced to leave.

Louis Braille (the inventor of Braille) was a student of the school until Guillié’s reign of terror.

The school was later moved to Boulevard des Invalides, and it remains there today. Information with this school is hard for me to access. It doesn’t have the prettiest history, so I can only speculate how much was left out of the books to save the school, and what information I could access is in French.

However, back to Braille.

Braille was invented by Frenchman Louis Braille in 1824. Before his invention, he was taught to read through raised lettering, and he concluded that raised lettering was impractical because-

1.       It is difficult to read, the letters had to be printed in huge font to be fully felt out and printed on thick paper.

2.       Thick paper means higher quality, more expensive. Larger font means more paper is needed for a single text.

3.       This made it inaccessible due to expense and the sheer volume of a text.

4.       If today’s Braille books are hard to access and giant compared to traditional books, I can’t imagine how inaccessible those raised letter books really were

 Five years later The Perkins School for the Blind was founded in America, making education accessible to blind and deafblind children, and this time it focused on reading and mathematics, more education than trade school.

Though it would not have been possible for your character to attend the school herself, it could be possible that she became acquainted with a teacher or former student of either school, who might have passed on some O&M skills to her or some not so pleasant tales.

Side note: the Perkins Brailler (a typewriter machine for Braille) was developed by a wood working teacher at the Perkins School for the Blind – in 1951, so not applicable to your character’s time period, but I didn’t know this, so I must info-dump

 This is before the eugenics movement of 20th century America, when the belief that people with “poor breeding” should be prevented from breeding. The eugenics movement targeted not only the disabled, but lower class and people of color.

  The white cane as an accessibility tool was not “discovered” until the 1930’s by Philip Strong, who painted his walking stick white to make himself more visible. This piece of history is a little flimsy in my opinion. Techniques are discovered and lost and rediscovered all the time. You can’t prove he was the first person to “wave a stick” in front of him to find obstacles.

But he is credited for making the white cane something that could be a standard identifier to tell people (moving obstacles) “hey, I’m blind, don’t hit me with your loud vehicle” and made a movement of other people getting white canes to identify themselves.

I very much thank him for it, seeing as I’m so sighted-passing sometimes. If white canes weren’t standard everyone-must-know-what-this-means sort of thing, I think people would just watch me “wave a stick” around and think I’d lost my mind.

(TW: suicide of disabled character mention in next paragraph)

So when you see something like in Downton Abby (season 2) when Thomas and Sybil are trying to teach a blinded soldier how to use a cane to navigate… it could be possible, something that actually occurred to some people then. Although, now that I think about it, that character killed himself by the end of the episode and that still upsets me.

Downton Abby got the period-typical ableism right, I will give them that. Both the internalized ableism as well as how strangers treat you, they got that right. What they did to their disabled characters still bothers me (i.e. death and cure subplots)

(TW has been lifted, you made it past.)

But with World War 1, there was a huge number of blinded veterans entering the world and that did make way for big changes in the world of blindness-

Within a few decades guide dogs were being trained, white canes were becoming a thing, Schools for the Blind were thinking, “hey, maybe we should teach adults these skills too!” and life continued on until it eventually reached out modern world. Which, not applicable to your era, but I think it’s important to know what wasn’t available or common knowledge for your character.

If anyone has other information about historical fiction, the Victorian era, and historical ableism and disability, please feel free to reblog with your input and I’ll reblog it.

As always, this post can be found on my blog through the tags: reference, blind character, historical fiction

[777horns333rats]

First day on HRT

12/16/2020

Tw: dysphoria, general trans stuffs

Hello. I partially thought I would quietly leave this blog for a while, as my drafted posts kept getting progressively more depressing, and less hopeful. I thought I was going to start HRT a week ago, but due to some odd circumstances, it was postponed for another week. It was weird how the week leading to my original HRT date was filled with grappling with my own doubt, but the second I realized I was going to have to wait even a week longer, I was filled with pure dread and disappointment. My drafts on here were reflecting that, and it was just kind of unproductive to lament on all of my pained experiences.

However now, everything feels different.

It’s kind of weird to explain, I had heard stories of people feeling a sense of relief, and I guess I wasn’t sure until now exactly what relief feels like. It kind of feels like nothing, and kind of like everything. It’s a general sense of rightness, a sense that I know I’m headed down the path I’m meant to go down, which oddly, in a way doesn’t really feel like anything? I’m guessing it’s just because it feels so natural that the relief isn’t quite so noticeable, but I can’t help but remember that I’m on hrt and just smiling to myself.

I guess I’ve just never felt so sure. I’ve never felt so calm, collected, and so sure of myself. I know who I am and what I want, this is going to be a wild confusing bumpy ride, but I have never been more confident that I am so entirely capable of going through it and feeling light years stronger after.

Never ever wait to be yourself, never compromise yourself for anybody.

[kacychase]

MM - My story to you (707xMC)

SUMMARY

This is my legacy for you.

Saeyoung, I know that you can see me here. Whoever you are, wherever you are, this is my legacy for you. You don’t need to wait forever as long as we are together. And to cherish and love you, I wrote this piece for you. Our love story…

In case you get lonely, in case you have doubts, I will always be here to take your doubts away.

Hoping that you’ll always love me as much as I love you~

Your wife always,

Hana

.

.

.

.

~---°---~

Word count: 4555

When you read this, Saeyoung, I hope that you remember the early days. Haha, in fact, I don’t really know how I landed there in the first place, how “Unknown” has chosen me to be hacked. Maybe I have been just a random puppet to him, one in a million…?

But either way, I’m glad I met you.

Back then, when I entered the house, and suddenly, the phone has been entering the chat messages, you have immediately reacted to my arrival. In retrospect, it was pretty typical of you to analyse my profile, find out my credentials, my number, likely my credit card details (thanks for not hacking me hehe~). Funnily, you were immediately the one teasing about everything.

Hahaha, just as I read what you wrote, I just couldn’t help it.

Back then, in confusion, I was trying to grasp the information you and the rest of the RFA had given me – and to be honest, I was a little scared that I might have been in trouble. However, as things finally started to calm down, I finally caught myself catching a breather.

The first time we somewhat got acquaintance was right after you did a background check on me.

You as Seven, hacked yourself into my life and into my heart, and before you could pull away, you couldn’t break through your own firewall. See how well you kept me as our wife to make these jokes? Aren’t you proud reading this, hehe~ I hope I will get more good wifey points from you once we have finally married in our own little spaceship.

Hadn’t it been for that moment, I wouldn’t have known for myself how to get to you.

.

Oh, that day… It was a tough day for both of us.

“Cheer up meow! You’re with the person you like meow!”

I couldn’t imagine what kept you out, what kind of burden and pain made you restrain and go back this much. Initially, I was convinced to cheer you up and lighten up your day, but now… I can’t help but already feel unsettled.

Your words could’ve cut through butter: “Why is this on again…” Your way of eyeing the cute robotic cat didn’t affect the little fellow, however. Completely unwavering, your own programmed cat responded in its perfected fashion: “I turn on when I sense depression meow! You’re with the person you like meow!”

Man…

I wish that this forced confession would’ve meant more now, but as your face distorts in frustration and anger, I can’t help but worry.

‘What happened to you, Seven…?’ was a thought that played through my head non-stop, knowing that my previous calls didn’t change your attitude… But you sounded happier then.

“You like meow! You like meow! You like meow!” I nearly would’ve chuckled from the cuteness of this thing, hadn’t you finally lost your last straw with it. Your glasses partly reflected your eyes as you stood up, but I could figure that you weren’t exactly amused.

“Damn it. Shut up…!,” you yelled in your annoyance, making me sober up. This was no fun time for you. Trying to look at what’s wrong, the following movements all were so sudden: you approaching the cat, taking it into your hand, and taking a big swing…

With this, your own sweet recreation of Elizabeth  the 3rd was no more – or rather, became many pieces scattered on the floor.

My face hardened at this sight, knowing that he might regret it later… And I couldn’t just watch all of this on the floor. It hurt. “ think it’s broken… Can I fix it?”

Muttering those words to you didn’t seem to help your mood become any calmer. “Just leave it. It’s useless,” you just replied, eyes looked on the pieces as if to avoid my eyes. This room, all of these insides felt even colder than before. The bomb suddenly didn’t bother me as much.

“I’ll throw it away later,” you said with a effortlessly booming, icy voice, although you probably didn’t try to sound menacing. At least I would always trust you not to hurt me. Just as assured as I am now, writing this piece to you, I used to be back then.

Your words… It was a bittersweet, funny thought. “And I’ll be leaving soon, so just forget about me.” While you tried to push me away, throwing knives into my heart, it’s as if it was the only goal for you. You seemed to run away, and with this, the hacker 707 became the most predictable person I could hack myself. Neither me, nor the RFA were meaningless to you, and your efforts to protect us proved it.

“I’m sure you’re just upset over Yoosung!,” I just replied with as much enthusiasm as I could muster – I hated the cold feeling of the apartment, “Cheer up!” I just wanted him to be happy, to forget his grief. And I have always been glad to be born a fighter. Your statement: “It’s none of your business how I feel” sobered me up like anything else. But sulking and choosing to be hurt wasn’t an option for me when I knew what my goal was.

I would not take these empty phrases to heart. Back then I already knew that this was not the true Seven or Luciel. Or the true you… And ironically, you started saying these things as if you purposefully tried to contradict yourself: “You wouldn’t have known, but this is how I’ve always felt. There was never a single day when I wasn’t depressed.”

‘This man would make me start praying to God again’, I thought. I wanted to make you feel liberated for a change, to help you with your burden. But then, as you said these words, I understood that if you struggled for a long time… Maybe you didn’t know how to confide in me? Maybe you needed to figure out how to share and disclose yourself to other people before you could trust me?

The silence of me staring right back into his honey-golden eyes seemed to make him nervous, and he continued saying icy things: “Can’t you see that it was all a lie? The jokes, the pranks, all the laughs! Don’t think about me, just think about protecting yourself!”

It would be the least thing I would want, but knowing that you were (still are) the more capable out of both of us, I assured you instead: “I can protect myself so don’t worry!” I threw right back at him with a cocked eyebrow, remembering that during my time in middle school and high school, I did have quite a few self-defense classes. “I’m pretty strong.” I couldn’t help but smirk a little in my pride.

Instead of indulging, you kept up your façade: “You’re underestimating your opponents” and I knew that you as well were a fighter for your own things. For some reason, it made me believe in you even more. You wouldn’t give up on me, as much as I couldn’t give up on you. “You’ll really be in danger with that attitude.”

Not as if we weren’t already, I wanted to say but I realized that it was both ill-intended and unproductive. I didn’t want to lunge back at you. It’s what you twistedly wanted, and I was not going to let you down. “You’re so similar to Yoosung,” you muttered, looking down at thee wooden floor of Rika’s apartment, a sad smile appearing and vanishing just as fast. “Yu don’t have a care in the world regardless of what’s going on,” you said to me, and I couldn’t help but see him for what state you were in right then.

You avoided everyone, worked day and night, eyebags on your face, you lashed out on people you cared for, and were scared. “I just want to be with you, because I like you!” Sometimes, a hacker might see the code as too complicated due to circumstances.

“How many times do I have to repeat myself…,” you started muttering as you corrected your posture, your left hand now tightly gripping onto your headphone cable, “I can’t be with you. We can’t be anything together!” Your hand trembled, and I just listened to your every word.

“Everything that surrounds me… is an illusion that exists in a temporary life of an agent named 707. They’ll all soon fade away. My house, my cars, RFA, you, this place, everything… one day they will disappear like the morning fog. A real life, real things I can have… don’t ever think and hope those things can exist.”

“Yoosung, Hana, all the members, even if you say that you like me… my life…,” suddenly, you let loose of that cable, both of your hands dangling helplessly, just as your head looked down, “y life can’t embrace anything. You don’t know how it feels to live that kind of life. Don’t be nice to me when you don’t know anything. Please… get away from me.”

No. Even if it had been for the best of both of us, I wouldn’t have been able to fulfil your request because I loved you too much. I was and would always selfishly fight for you, and I still do it. I don’t regret anything, and I appreciate your support every day.

“Just leave me alone…”

I felt it in every bone.

“The person you like is the 707 in the chatroom, not me!,” you cried out, suddenly looking straight-up at me in bewilderment. I didn’t know whether what you said scared me or you more… But I wouldn’t accept it. I had to support you.

“Then please let me understand the person in front of me!” It broke my heart to see you like this, and after that incident, I have always known that you felt guilty for treating me like this, Saeyoung. But please understand… there is nothing to apologize for when you are scared.

And therefore I hugged you. God, you trembled so badly, your breath might have hitched. It was as if my senses went off immediately – you were so close, your smell of Honey Buddha chips and PhD Pepper, your matching racing heartbeat, your hitched breath were so much at once, but man.

I was glad I did that right thereafter.

You whispered my name. “Why are you doing this to me?” Suddenly, a dagger hit my heart. I wished it wouldn’t have hurt that much hearing you say that. But you struggled. I would be there for you, no questions asked. And if you read this, my dearest partner in crime, Agent 707, Saeyoung, husbando, please understand that this still counts, okay?

Okay.

Further on, you insisted that you couldn’t embrace anything, that your life was wrong from the beginning, dangerous and filled with lies… I instantly felt my heart drenched and twisted like a wet towel. As you said that you couldn’t protect me or your brother, that was it. I felt a little tear falling down, and couldn’t help but to shake a little. Secretly, I hope you wouldn’t feel it.

With a silent whisper, you asked: “Why can’t you understand me?”

Another tear, and silence. I didn’t want you to hear that I cried, didn’t want you to worry, so it prolonged my answer. For that, I sounded even more assured: “I like the Seven that’s in front of my eyes. Regardless of how complicated your life is. I want to know.”

Haha, Saeyoung, see how I remembered every word? While you said that you could remember every one of our conversations, I can just say that I do, too. And I treasure every one of them in my memories.

“Hana… Don’t do this… please… I-I-,” you mumbled in a gut-wrenching plea, showing your true suffering for something, and I hugged you even tighter. “I cherich you… I want to make you hapy… but I can’t! Why do you want to be with me when I’m so dangerous?”

‘It’s you, Seven’, I thought to myself, knowing fully well that it had always been you. It would always be you. “Why do you like me!”

It was you.

“There is no reason. I just like you. That’s how I feel!,” I call him out, suddenly my own voice shivering. With that, I suddenly felt your chest decreasing, letting out air both you and I had been holding. Your sigh was so relieving to hear, and I felt distress flooding out of my veins.

“You’re impossible, Hana,” you muttered, making me chuckle a little at his frustrated tone. “You’re so strange. I feel like I’m going strange, too. Why aren’t you giving up?!” When your voice broke, my face felt like the cat on the floor, shattered to pieces.

“Why aren’t you getting hurt and abandoning me?!” That was it. I couldn’t listen to it any longer. I didn’t want to hear you say these things, hurt yourself and me in the process. I loved you, and wanted you to be happy. As you continued to rant, I suddenly uttered a word, and it felt so incredibly hard to speak up.

It nearly was as if a wall refused to make me do so.

“You.”

Your body stiffened, and you turned around. For some reason, your stare was even more scared when you looked down on me, and your eyes widened. Letting my arms go off of him, I just couldn’t help but stare back. Why was he so bewildered to look at me.

“You shouldn’t have been able to…,” you stared at me, eyes teary. “Seven…,” I said, suddenly feeling like hugging him. So I did.

“Hana… Are you…,” he muttered in shock, body shivering even more. “I-I will protect you, Hana, I promise. You survived, you’re alive, and I will keep it that way,” you mumbled, suddenly hugging me tightly and back then not knowing what it meant, I just tried to hug you back.

“Can I be next to you when you work?,” I asked you back then, but you didn’t move. “A-Alright,” you replied with a shivery breath.

“I can’t guarantee that I will be good for you, Hana. I don’t think I will be good for you,” you remarked and went out of the embrace, looking at me meaningfully. Your golden eyes sparkled through your glasses, and I couldn’t help but softly push a little bit of your hair strands away.

“Your eyes…,” he whispered, “They’re beautiful.”

I had no clue what that meant back then, but I just replied that so were yours. My smirk seemed to have reached you as well. And as both of us felt that there was nothing to say anymore, you announced: “Time to go back to work.”

At that very moment, I already asked myself how the heck I had flipped the switch for you, an unknowing feeling in my tummy region as I approached you.

There was only one chair in your work area, and I realized that my tummy growled. You immediately turned towards me. “There should be some leftover stuff from yesterday,” you just immediately announced, just as your tummy started to growl as well.

With a small grin, I just responded: “I made sushi today. There have been some for you, too, so it’s definitely time to eat!” “I need to w-“ “I know, I’ll bring it, Seven.”

Quickly ignoring your protests, I ran off to the kitchen, knowing that I put extra much effort into the sushi. Even trying the inside out rolls, I smile at myself as I made a smiley out of the little plate with rolls. In the hopes that you weren’t a picky eater, I transported both plated to your station, putting it on a table where usually, your Honey Buddha Chips and your empty PhD bottles would have situated. I decided bring them away soon in my head.

However, your face was the best when you discovered what exactly I brought you. “God, Hana…,” you muttered, visibly gulping. “Why are you so nice to me? After I’ve been angry with you…”

“It’s because I have feelings for you. Plus, I would love you to try my sushi,” I smiled brightly and received a confused, yet admiring stare from my counterpart. “You’re too positive for your own good,” you finally smiled back at me with these words, seeing the smiley on the plate. As both of us took the chopsticks, I realized I forgot drinks. “Ah! Do you want to drink something or-“

As if reading my thoughts, you suddenly pulled out a bottle of PhD Pepper and man, I could have sworn it wasn’t there before. And yes, after that, both you and I know that it wasn’t there. “A tribute to the Gods for my beautiful existence and for having you in my life!,” you just rambled out of nowhere, probably to light up the mood.

I couldn’t help but blush though. “Thank you, Seven. I’m glad that we can get along like this,” I sincerely couldn’t help but saying this, but your eyes intensively stared back. With that, you put away your headphones, probably because we were about to eat. “You’re too good for this world, Hana. I want you to know that I want to make you happy from now on…”

Your words made my heart skip a beat, and the way you blushed… While you might have pulled up your sleeves – with very handsome lower arms – I couldn’t help but stare at your gushing face still. “Hey, Seven.”

As you looked up, I desperately wanted to kiss you. So much, but I didn’t know whether I would overwhelm you again.

So I took a deep breath.

“Could you feed me again please?”

This was WAY better, hahaha. God, even writing this, your reaction was hilarious! I bet still that both of us thought of the time you were still angry, and fed me all flustered. WheI asked you oer the call, I honestly wouldn’t have expected you to accept it.

But this time, I was less surprised.

“Okay, if that’s what it takes you to e-eat,” you stammered, your face competing with your hair for redness. Man, you looked adorable to me.

“Hmm… Maybe, I can feed you, too, so that all of us are treated equally,” I replied with a little grin.

“How can you be quirkier than 707, Hana?! You’re really strange!,” you finally called out on me, grinning nervously. I just couldn’t help but laugh it off.

“I still love you, Seven, Luciel, or however you want to be called, I asked you to feed me last time. I want to repay with gratefulness!”

And with that, where there has been coldness in the apartment, your chuckle… I don’t know whether you do it on purpose, but it is still absolutely beautiful. It makes my gloomy days sparkle brightly, and my face can’t help but have this lovestruck face you fall for so much. I could have listened to you forever back then.

“That’s it,” you say, your eyes shining in a breathtaking way. With that, you took the chopsticks into your had, picked up a Sushi from your plate and chirped: “Open your mouth, kitty~”

As I chewed happily while looking at him, when all of a sudden he asked something of me.

“Please… call me Saeyoung. It’s who I truly am.”

.

.

After that, for some reason, we could’ve taken up to any challenge. The RFA was happy for us, and even after a lot of effort, you, my Saeyoung – as I came to uncover his past – could save your brother and have him live in our apartment. Things were crazy, we went along too well for our own good, to the point of you proposing to me after a month. God… The door thing was a crazily good idea.

But there was one thing that was strange, and I didn’t know how to tell you during those days when we ate, when we were grocery shopping, or when both of us worked next to each other on that computer. Most of the time, I was finished before you and I could cuddle on your lap after… It was amazing. Still is.

However, there are… weird things going on. Ever since the messenger mystery has been solved, I could live a life chatting with everyone, but since the first day of us as a couple, I couldn’t help but see them… Glitches.

It had been so weird, but scary, and I didn’t know how to tell you. I dreamed of losing you, and I was afraid that I was about to disappear when parts of binary code appeared on my hand that night.

“OH MY GOD!,” I shrieked into the usually tranquil and loving night that we had.

“Hana?!,” you called on me, immediately worried since you knew that I wouldn’t be easily shaken. “What is it?! A bug again?! A bad dream?? Do you need anything?!” Bewildered that he couldn’t see the obvious glitch on my hand, I couldn’t help but point it out: “Can’t you see it?!”

“What?”

Your voice was extremely confused, just as your face was speaking of alarm. Wearing your glasses today, I know that you would have to see it as I held up my arm.

And seeing that I had not much to explain, I still tried to soothe us both. “Saeyoung… I don’t know what this is, and I don’t know how to get rid of it. Could you know what it-“

“The game… It’s starting to fall apart.”

All of a sudden, the whole atmosphere was scary. I could practically feel your heartbeat from far away, and for the love of God, I didn’t know what you meant. “What do you mean?”

Panic seemed to influence your fingers as you grasped my face, your pupils dilating. “Please don’t disappear, Hana, I- I might have made a mistake.”

In complete confusion, but used to that emotion, I brace myself by taking a deep breath: “Please explain the situation to me. I’m here. I won’t go.” This was to soothe both of us as I had no fucking clue what was happening to my arm. The green numbers on black ground felt like a huge computer screen.

Hearing you mumble: “It’s lagging… I knew it…” and other things scared the heck out of me, Saeyoung. Don’t pull this shit ever again on me, you hear?!

“Saeyoung…” My voice was increasingly panicky as I picked up the vibe that you were exerting.

“You see everything around us, Hana?” We could have heard a pin drop at the silence.

“Yes. What about it?”

“Well…,” you muttered, and with that, you pressed the enter key.

And this was when I finally understood what you have said all the way. The ugly truth, the failure to protect, the way you were anxious of leaving…

All of the things around us, even Saeran bursting into the room… It turned into a huge mess of binary codes, other commands I have seen you type, and so, so much more…

“Saeyoung?”

“Right now, I have created all of it. I wished for it a while ago…,” I looked at you in bewilderment. “I wanted to help out people of this world because the world is cruel, Hana. This world was made to satisfy someone’s obsessions, nothing more. I’m just a pawn of this. So are you. I couldn’t have you near me because I wanted to resist this.”

Your chest began to shake, but I was suddenly taken aback. What… What the fuck happened to me?! My vision started to blur.

“I’m just here to help someone else, and I was supposed to leave,” you muttered to explain this to me, “But here I am, loving you and being engaged to you.”

Seeing your face has pained me the most. I couldn’t help but be in utter shock. “Then why… Why did you do this?”

His face scrunched into a painful smile. “You broke the fourth wall. You are someone. And I want to protect you from this.” I listened to your story, to what this world was supposed to be, how I might have been a player who glitched into my own body.

But imagine if my words had been any other than the ones I ultimately said: “I will stay with you, Saeyoung. No questions asked. We will fix it.”

Looking at me in awe, with tears in his eyes, he closed the gap between us, eyes closed. I immediately put my arms around you as you remembered, deepening the kiss and responding to this fiery and heated kiss. I loved how much we were able to share, to inhibit our shyness towards each other. But this hurt.

It hurt so much when we broke apart

“If you survive this, Hana… You might become the wizard’s apprentice, too. But if you wish to come back to your old self, I wouldn’t fault you…,” you whispered crying, and as you broke, you just decided to look me dead in the eye, knowing that with his past, and this current state of me slowly becoming unreal, I could say anything.

“H-how?!,” I replied in desperation, tears streaming down my face at the distress. “I want to be with you, Saeyoung! I wish for us to be together and happy! Is this too much to ask?!,” I screamed into the void around and glared at him. “How the hell could you have hidden it to everyone?! What about that damn wish?! God… This is messed up, Saeyoung.”

As the world reconstructed itself around us, I couldn’t help but keep my eyes trained at yours, guilt haunting his face. “You know what. How did you know what happened?” You stared at me, knowing full well that back then, you left me in utter confusion. “Your eyes… normally, you weren’t supposed to have any. But look at yourself.” Looking at his glass reflection, I tracked myself – light brown hair with bangs put up in a bun, angry hfnwn eyes looking back at myself, I realized…

I remembered. I played the game myself. This wasn’t my original me…

But I still don’t care. “God, I’m sorry, Saeyoung,” I said to him, realizing how many times he must’ve watched me play this game. “It’s alright, you played my route nearly all the time,” he chuckled emptily back at me, “Someone was obsessed with me~”

Blushing, I responded: “Well, yeah! See? I would choose you again! The first time was me being a newbie…”

“Well, MC,” God that felt weird, “What now?”

.

.

.

With our first child on the way – it feels like two though – I feel like I chose the right path, don’t you think, Saeyoung? You have asked me how it was to find everything out, all of a sudden to ask that. It was a shock, but I decided to focus on what I truly wanted. I want you.

So here I am, with my lovely husbando, married at the space station, a horribly unhealthy eater and great taste in your car babies~

With the goal to be a good wifey… Both of us don’t exist, but to us both, we do.

And that is what counts, doesn’t it?

[benjamingrafe19]

*Rhetoric as Narrative*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTKmjhJ1__o&ab_channel=ChrisTognin

In this entry, I will be exploring the critical questions: What central narrative(s) does this artifact tell through its rhetorical elements? In doing so, what values does it promote and ignore (who does it include and exclude)? In which ways is this narrative (ethically) productive for society, in which ways is it limiting, and is it more productive or limiting?

To examine these questions, I looked at the song Where the Stars and Stripes and the Eagle Fly by Aaron Tippin. This song uses symbolism to share the central narrative of American exceptionalism because of the core values of freedom, opportunity and patriotism. Overall, this is ultimately unproductive as it perpetuates the dominant narrative of American exceptionalism, which is faulty and oversimplified. 

Where the Stars and Stripes and the Eagle Fly was released by Aaron Tippin, an established country music artist, on September 17, 2001, less than a week after the September 11th terrorist attacks. The song was written following the attack and Tippin recorded it two days later on September 13th. The song was written and sold as a fundraiser, with all proceeds being donated to the Red Cross. 

Palczewski, Ice and Fritch (2012) explain that narratives are stories that are everywhere in our society, both public and private. More specifically, the authors discuss how narratives are used to help people remember what happened and convey public values. They continue to argue that narratives are often used to shape public memory. American exceptionalism is one narrative that has been pervasive throughout the United States. The narrative of American exceptionalism pulls on American history and development to become one of the most powerful nations in the world. Additionally, the narrative of American exceptionalism contains the idea that America is superior to all other countries because of American values. This narrative is a story that is consistently told that helps people remember a version of American history and shape public memory and values.

Tippin uses symbolism of traditional American monuments to represent freedom and its importance to American exceptionalism. In this song, Tippin sings, “There's a lady that stands in a harbor / For what we believe / And there's a bell that still echoes the price / That it costs to be free.” This verse uses the Statue of Liberty and Freedom Bell as symbols for freedom in the United States. Invoking these two monuments are clear representations of freedom, with them being two of the most well known monuments within the United States. Additionally, this verse is repeated later in the song, functioning almost as a chorus. This repetition symbolizes the centrality of freedom in the narrative that is American exceptionalism. 

Symbolism of the American dream is also used to represent how opportunity plays into the American dream. Tippin sings a verse about opportunity in the United States, saying, “It's a big old land with countless dreams / Happiness ain't out of reach / Hard work pays off the way it should / Yeah, I've seen enough to know that we've got it good.” In this verse, Tippin talks about America as a “land with countless dreams,” which is a direct reference to the American dream. Citing the American dream in this song is a direct reference to American exceptionalism, as the ability for anyone to put in hard work, pull themselves up by their bootstraps and reap the benefits is part of the narrative of American exceptionalism.

The American flag is also used as a symbol to represent patriotism and how it contributes to American exceptionalism. In the song, Tippin sings, “I pledge allegiance to this flag / And if that bothers you well that's too bad / But if you got pride and you're proud you do / Hey we could use some more like me and you.” In addition to the lyrics about the American flag, images of the American flag are constant throughout the music video. In almost every single shot, the American flag is present, whether it be on the uniforms of first responders, attire of everyday citizens, flags flying from houses or the large projection of the American flag behind Tippin as he sings. Throughout the song and this music video, the omnipresence of the American flag symbols the importance of the flag, which serves as a representation of the United States as a whole. 

This artifact is ultimately unproductive due to the long term impacts of perpetuating the standard narrative of American exceptionalism. Upon release, this song was a well intentioned attempt to strengthen American pride and morale after a national tragedy. This song, perpetuating the narrative of American exceptionalism, was productive in time of release, in an effort to ensure patriotism throughout the United States. Despite that, the long term impacts of this artifact outweigh the short term benefits. This song depicts the standard narrative of American exceptionalism, that the United States is the best country in the world because of its freedom, opportunity and patriotism. This song continues that narrative which is flawed and limiting. The narrative of American exceptionalism omits any painful, disgraceful or damning elements of American history and instead celebrates the strength and development of white America. Additionally, this common narrative of American exceptionalism limits the future for America. America stands nowhere near the top in worldwide rankings of education, healthcare, or even happiness, but the myth of American exceptionalism makes it impossible for people to accept the shortcomings and room for growth. While the song was appropriate in the short term at the time of release, the long term impacts and perpetuation of American exceptionalism causes the artifact to be unproductive. 

In a study regarding the impact of American exceptionalist messaging on public opinion, Jason Gilmore (2015) found that public messages of American exceptionalism have a strong impact on public opinion, impacting both individual foreign policy opinions and overall sentiment of American superiority. This study focused on both explicit and implicit messages of American exceptionalism and both proved to increase public sentiment of American superiority. Gilmore’s research shows that messages of American exceptionalism clearly influence public opinion and reinforce the sentiment of American superiority. Songs, like Where the Stars and Stripes and the Eagle Fly, are great examples of implicit messaging of American exceptionalism, which increases public sentiment of American superiority and American exceptionalism.

Overall, Aaron Tippin’s song uses traditional symbols in the United States to perpetuate the standard narrative of American exceptionalism, which had unproductive long term impacts. Tippin used symbols of famous US monuments, the American dream and the American flag to represent three major values in the narrative of American exceptionalism, freedom, opportunity and patriotism. 

Works Cited

Aaron Tippin - Where The Stars & Stripes & The Eagle Fly [Video file]. (2007, September 12). Retrieved March 3, 2021, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTKmjhJ1__o&ab_channel=ChrisTognin

Gilmore, J. (2015). American Exceptionalism in the American Mind: Presidential Discourse, National Identity, and U.S. Public Opinion. Communication Studies, 66(3), 301–320. https://doi.org/10.1080/10510974.2014.991044

Palczewski, C. H., Ice, R., Fritch, J. (2012). Narratives. In Rhetoric in civic life (pp. 117-146). State College, PA: Strata Publishing, Inc.

[missmyloko]

Getting Back To Normal

Anime North has come and gone, but my body hasn’t really become aware of that fact yet or, if it has, then it decided to ignore the memo. Every year events like these get harder and harder, and this year is no exception. However, unlike previous years, visits to various medical professionals were booked in much later, so my body has, for lack of better terms, collapsed on itself. In the past week alone I’ve spent 3 whole days in bed due to pain, so this makes being productive a challenge. I had my first round of physiotherapy today, which was helpful, but I won’t receive my muscle/pain shots until next week. So, most of my time has been spent being unproductive, which really sucks as there’s a few features currently being written or were already started before the convention that I’m looking forward to publishing, which I will try to work on when I’m feeling well. Thank you all for your patience during this recovery period and please look forward to the newest features when they’re finally published ^^  

[monsterloveday]

Your grief is depressing me.

I have no idea how people will feel reading this, but ultimately I want to because  death is such a taboo subject - its avoided so much that I don't think we do ourselves any favours by avoiding it. After all, if you haven't already been through it, you will at some point. (You know what they say, you can never avoid death or taxes).

Although nothing will ever prepare you for it, I do believe we should give lee way for the people who do want to speak out on it, as it was from going through grief myself, I noticed how so many people tried to silence me due to their own fear / awkwardness / attitude towards it - this is not fair nor is it healthy. Its also a really shitty treatment towards grieving people. I feel that it is such a painful subject that we seem to fear the thought of it (and rightly so), but, I feel we do need to speak on it more - whether you have been through it or not.  This isn't to say that death should be spoken of all the time as that of course would be draining, but I do fear there are many ‘unwritten rules’ on this, one example being that you are ‘bringing people down’ or that people wont want to hear it or know what to say and you can understand that and appreciate that to a point.

But really, pretending death doesn't happen or locking those thoughts away probably don't help individuals when a loved one does actually pass away. I feel it is something us humans have to try and learn to be more open about, to not be afraid to bring it up, accept and perhaps educate ourselves on. When dad was having his last days (as horrendous as they were), I almost feel like I can say that the aftermath of death is actually worse (or maybe just as bad), that it is probably worse for the people who witness the death, over the person who is actually dying. People think that even with death ‘Time is a healer’, I even remember thinking to myself that at the year mark point, I would probably be so much better.

How naive I was. Grief has no expiry date. There is no ‘getting over it’. I feel just as bad now as I did then, and I wonder just how long this will be with me, I then fret that I will always carry this, as like I mention before, there is no ‘Light at the end of the tunnel’ with death. That person has gone, that theyre absence is so loud, it is a constant reminder, its massive, dark and noticable, and that the fact they have died will always, always, always be shit and nothing will change that. Im just telling it like it is.  Since then I look at the rest of my family, friends, and even my dog and worry about how bad it will be WHEN (not if) WHEN other loved ones die. That I have to do this again, and again, many more times. It makes me want to vomit. It makes me want to die first to avoid it. It makes me not like life at all. The world has become a very scary place now, how it snatches anyone it wants, and you are left to deal with that, and live a life knowing that that hangs over you all the time, yet you are expected to just ‘carry on’. At the time I remember seeing a gif of a monster hovering over a man walking up the stairs  - he knew it was there, lurking, waiting for the right moment, an extended version of waiting for the axe to fall. This is exactly how I felt. It. is. Awful. I remember being at dads side all day, at every minute looking at him and my heart pounding, checking if he was still breathing, wondering “is he dead?!”. Seeing my once strong dad now with all sorts of shit in his arms, his face, and everywhere else, not even able to open his eyes, the sounds of the machines trying to help him breathe - gah. Fuck that memory. And then going home to an empty house. My sister was with her other half, my brother his, my mum staying with dad (and rightly so). I had to walk past dads room, his belongings became SO noticeable, that even the sight of them scared me. How different this house was now. I was alone in a house that used to be my family home, now it was a house filled with horrors that reminded you of what was about to be taken away, how just a few weeks before he was in this house - not about to die. I remember wondering what I had done to deserve this, to watch my dad slowly die all day and night and have to come home alone. I wanted to be held. I wanted to be held so tight that it knocked me out. I kept all the lights on and I rang my friend who has also lost her dad and stayed on the phone to her until I fell asleep. I never forget friends like that. It was the worst. It was hell - but it wasn't a case of I was owed bad karma, its that life can be cruel, and it can be cruel to ANYONE. Not just me. And that ultimately - death is a part of life. When he died, after 10 long days of waiting for it to happen, I couldn't deal how people looked at me awkwardly, that I was the elephant in the room, that it is said that talking about things will help but yet when you try and open up peoples body language scream “I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO YOU”, the looks on their faces, the silence. Not only that most of the people around me hadn't lost anyone, so they didn't get it, but that my grief was actually making THEM feel awkward or that they didnt really want to speak to me. Some friends didn't even bother to contact me and said “ I didn't think you would want to come out”. It all added to my isolation. To this day I still don't talk to close friends or even my family about it, how death has taken such a massive characteristic from me - expression. Its taken so much of me. And people don't know what to say. That is not an attack or criticism, because its not a popular topic, and people avoid it like the plague. And rightly so, because its depressing. But this is why I wanted to write about it, I feel that if talking of death wasn't so taboo, It would help people for when they are actually going through it, or even in the smallest way, help them accept or prepare for an inevitable death, theres no ‘How To’ on death and for me personally, not having addressed death before - it really kicked my ass (and still is to this day) when it did arrive - after all, everyone goes through it at some point in their lives. Soon people see it as old news’ (especially after the funeral - how ghastly funerals are) and assume you must be ‘better’ now. It really doesn't work like that. Its ongoing. The heart specialist that saw dad through his last days told us himself that life is much harder after the funeral - this made me dread and dread and dread the funeral so much. But he was so right. Every day was so scary, dreadful and just black. It really does feel like you are in a out of body experience, that your mind just cant handle what is going on, so it shuts itself down and blocks things out whichever way it can, for some its denial, shock, its like your in a never ending nightmare and you just want to wake up. Soon after, my sister announced her pregnancy and I freaked.the.hell.out. I couldn't deal with all this massive change in my family in a tiny amount of time, what If I never see her now?, she will have her own family and we will be forgotten?!, that dad just missed it! what if what if what if?!!?. I ate and ate my way through these situations, I couldn't control or be disciplined at such a bad time in my life, the weight piled on and so did the depression - but this decision to eat has made things so much worse - but I still wouldn't have been able to do it any other way. I had a breakdown and that very morning took myself to the doctor. I couldn't deal and I wanted pills to take me out of this, at any cost. I wanted to be drugged at the highest level. Just take it away. Pills. They were not my friend. This in itself will be another blog as I want to stay focused on this topic. But in short, my health went to shit. My confidence was dropping and dropping and dropping. I stopped sculpting, I stopped art, I stopped ukulele, I stopped cooking. I stopped dating. I stopped singing, I stopped trying. My labido completely vanished. I didn't feel like a human anymore, I couldn't give love and I couldn't receive it. I was just a thing with skin. I didn't like boys, boys wouldn't like me - not at this weight and my belly. I hated how I looked, I hated my hair, I hated my whole appearance, I hated my now unfitting clothes, I hated how depressing clothes shopping had become, so I stopped. Everything I once took pleasure in, didn't please me anymore. Not even if I tried. I think I could have done the most amazing things and it still wouldn't budge this thing inside of me, taking over. I was turning into the worst version of me, a version of me I never knew existed. Mornings became a demon.  Im sure theres loads of you that relate to this and know what I mean by this. Id be in bed and suddenly my heart raced and it felt like that feeling you get when your about to do something that scares the shit our of you or makes you so nervous you need to puke, that the tiniest tasks became mountains - “Oh my actual god I have to get out of bed today and face people and do things”?!?!  I was so nervous and scared all the time and didn't know why.

I become so so tired having to work throughout the week, yet hated the weekends because of feeling unproductive or lonely. I felt so tired doing too much but felt like I had to be doing something as soon as I stopped, its like you are in a constant battle with yourself. My life went from grief, to anxiety and depression all in one hit. And I had to try and live with it every single day. Its so hard. And I still have to keep fighting through all this crap that life throws at me, Im still not at the ‘other side’ of all this and when I think I've had my dose of it, it gives me some more. But life does this to everyone and thats why I think its important to not be afraid of being open about feeling shit, because we can be there for each other. Yet we all seem to stay quiet and get annoyed when people express themselves if they are feeling sad, they are given the “you are so negative / moaning label - this isn't the case. I hate that people turn a blind eye because people express their negative emotions, really, what is wrong with that? I think ultimately I want to say to anyone that has lost someone, or is about to, or maybe people that just battle with their inner demons... Its annoying as hell but you have to fight back. And I know its so frustrating to have to fight for things that other people get so freely. Like - just being ok. Know that I am with you. I. Am. With. You. Know that this terror, too shall pass and you will get stronger. You will.

And you'll be surprised by how many people feel the way you do, but we just don't speak of it, so we think its unique to us - its not, we are a massive bunch of humans who suffer but not together!. I learned that life isn't always on my side and admitting that life is hard, we just have to get harder, and we do. I think sometimes we don't realise it though. You don't have to be fearless to be brave, being scared all the time is brave, because you have to force yourself through the fear all the time! I wont ever be the same person I was before my dad died, but maybe I need to stop trying to be, maybe its ok that I will always be a little bit broken. Death is so life changing for the people still remaining, so don't expect to stay the same person. And that is also OK. I would like to hope that at some time, life will be brighter for us once more, I think good and bad times pass by like waves, we cant have one without the other. What a beautiful cunt life is, ay? =p. One difference I have noticed in myself is how much more appreciative I am of small things. Just being with people, taking photos, hearing the birds sing, Knowing that life isn't forever, but its now, and now is all we have. So go get that tattoo, go on that trip you have always wanted too, tell that person how deeply in love with them you are, go and get your life and chase those goals, its scary, but its worth it. We wont be here forever! There is no “Im over it” now, as mentioned before, after losing someone, a gap is there that will never be filled.  But. Although it seems so very unlikely, you will feel love again You will laugh so hard again You will be able to think of that person and a smile come onto your face, instead of a tear and sometimes it will just be tears Sometimes you will miss them so much it hurts Sometimes you will feel lucky you had them in your life Sometimes you will feel cheated that they were taken away. There will be days where you can face things and days where you cant. You will never feel just one way, but you really do learn to live with it, and I promise you, although you will miss them so much - you're going to be OK. You become better at always being sad about it, and it will always be there, but it wont destroy you like it does in the early days / months / years. I was watching a film last night, about a man who died and was saying to his still alive wife beyond the grave, “I still exist”. This filled my heart will sheer comfort - the thought that death doesn't mean they are gone, that they really are still alive - just somewhere else. Dad please be up there, I really want to see your face again! and the hope that I could gives me me such a lift!. And maybe if we try to think, that maybe death isn't the worst thing, because hopefully our loved ones have gone somewhere BETTER! where they are the happiest they could ever be, no suffering, no pain and that they are having a ball up there! its like I've said, I think its worse for the people left behind and maybe if we start accepting that death happens, maybe we wont fight against it so much by knowing that death isn't the end! Im trying to hard to feel this way! Involve only good people in your life, be true to yourself, express yourself no matter how you feel and most importantly... They still exist. Jay

[hold123456]

04.29.21 17:34

youin trying to organize my thoughts, i’ve come to terms with self-hate that has been incessantly ignored. i took one test.

“How often do you feel that you... “

wasted lots of time (often): i hate myself for getting into social media holes, for letting impulse and unhealthy comforts found in scrolling override better habits i’m trying to build. i hate that i feel i’ve wasted years of my life due to mental illness. 

made a lot of mistakes (often) 

nobody loves you (rarely) 

you are an outcast (often): existential loneliness. 

you are a victim of circumstance (often): why do I have to deal with so many health issues? my body is a wreck; ibs, hemorrhoid, pilonidal cyst, vaginosis, back pain, chronic sinusitis (daily headaches/breathing difficulties/throat irritation) 

you can’t get ahead in life because of what your parents have done to you (often): I wish I was able to learn how to prioritize my wants and needs earlier. I wish guilt and gaslighting weren’t used as a disciplinary tactics.  

you are pathetic (often): i feel frustrated that I’m not where I hoped I’d be at this point in my life. that it’s always a matter of individual responsibility to adjust to the world’s shortcomings. that I can’t delude myself into not prioritizing my values which would probably guide me to traditional standards of success (i.e financial) 

you are rejected by everyone (rarely)

you are guilty (often)

you don’t contribute to society (rarely): I feel that I do in my own way but not in a way that most people would recognize. I appreciate my approach to life, I just wish the world was more forgiving. 

nobody respects you (rarely): I know the people i love and respect feel the same towards me, that’s what should matter right ? but do I respect myself ?

you are hopeless (rarely): there’s always hope. always. even if it’s a small sliver, even if you can’t feel it.. there has to be right ? 

you have no self-confidence (often) 

you are a loser (rarely): it’s complicated.

you missed many opportunities (often)

you are defeated by life (often)

 your mental suffering is intense (often)

other people don’t understand you (often)

no one wants to be around you (rarely)

you are damaged (often).  

“People with self-hatred problem spend a lot of time alone, constantly blaming themselves for things they have done or haven’t done. It’s like a hateful person follows them around 24 hours a day, except that they can’t escape from their self-defeating thoughts.

They may or may not be angry at others for not understanding their needs or ignoring them, but they are always angry at themselves. Thoughts of past failures and missed opportunities seem particularly painful. They are haunted by the stark contrast between their own lonely and supposedly unproductive life and other people’s success.

It is important to mention that their self-blame is not necessarily deserved; it could be a result of negative events beyond their control, such as victimization, being abused as children or other types of trauma. Self-hatred can be so acutely painful that it is sometimes considered a form of abuse.”

[tlswrites]

2020 Wrap?

I usually draft my annual summary on the 31st of December but I just felt like writing today. This isn't how my summaries are usually written but I'll just take my time to enjoy it, I guess, because positivity is scarce these days.

It has been quite a year - March was its turning point. It was when the entire country was put under Enhanced Community Quarantine (ECQ) due to the COVID-19 pandemic. It was on the 17th of March, to be exact. And after that fateful day, everything changed -- the world, it seemed like, turned upside down.

All the plans that I had laid last December 2019 seemed to have vanished. I could've made it work, I guess, but my mental health really took quite a dip from when the ECQ started. I think I even became lethargic at some point.

I also lost quite a few friends during the span of the quarantine and I don't think I fully digested that fact yet. And I don't know, at this point, when I can start thinking about it.

To be honest, I think I made up this whole world of a K-Pop fangirl on a whim just so I can cope with the emotional turmoil that kept pushing me off the edge ever since the quarantine started. I've spent quite a sum of money already for the albums and merchandise I have purchased. At first, I had control over myself but then I started letting go. I became quite obsessed with it, too. I even generated a monitoring matrix for it. It's fun, I have to admit. But I don't think I can keep up with it for long, especially when the family is already planning on purchasing land and house. My priorities will surely change by 2021.

There isn't much to write about any adventure or travels because there was none. My March plane ticket to Iloilo was refunded and my plan to turn 24 in La Union never materialized. 2019 surely is a year that I truly, genuinely miss. I was dead tired then but at least I got to travel to a lot of places on my own, with my friends, or with my family. Despite having a lot of emotional baggage then, it wasn't as heavy as it is now. Perhaps it is true that you'll never know real happiness when you haven't experienced real pain -- this describes what I feel right now, to a tee.

It's hard to keep the optimism alive these days especially when I have not felt any form of accomplishment with work or pretty much anywhere in such a long time. At least in 2019 my career thrived, I had something to look forward to and I was extremely productive. The only thing that 2020 did was to further increase my back problems and continuously ruin my self-image (both of which were already too fickle to begin with). I spent more than 18 hours a day at work during the early start of our work from home setup until it gradually died down to attending meetings every single day -- a complete waste of time -- I was really unproductive. I think I have a lot of potential that could have been made useful if I was given different tasks but that never happened.

I had encountered a lot of broken promises as well and, really, one after the other does not make the new ones more manageable than the ones before. But much like the friends I've lost, I haven't had the time to actually think about all these and mourn for my sanity.

2020 was a year I gave in to too many of my demons. I wish I had the same self-control I had during 2016 but that's long gone now, isn't it?

They say nothing is impossible until it is done but until when can I keep telling myself to try harder? I haven't even started on a lot of things and yet I feel so tired about living. And unlike all the previous summaries, this won't have promises for what's to come. I don't think being disappointed is the condition I want to be in at the start of 2021. So I'm just holding out until then, trying to enjoy the weird calmness of this month. I'm hoping for the peace to last until the New Year's Eve. I guess that's my only wish at this point in time.

Cheers,

tlswrites

Originally written: Dec. 14, 2020

Posted: Jan. 8, 2021

[ftpthemovement]

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love - 1 John 4:18

This is one of the biggest statements in the Bible when it comes to a person walking their faith out through action and in truth. I’ve personally never heard a more clear cut answer to how we have been called to operate as followers of Christ. Could you imagine what living a life without fear would actually look like? Have you ever took the time to break down what fear actually is and why it should not exist in your daily life?

Fear by definition is: “An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.”

Almost daily I hear a comment come up about fear. During my time with FTP it has become a reoccurring theme of in the lives of people that I encounter. I would go so far as saying it is the number one problem I have seen people have over and over again. It keeps them from stepping out of their comfort zone, it keeps them from taking risks, it keeps them from serving God in accordance to his will for their life. But to put it in the words of Franklin Roosevelt, “There is nothing to fear but fear itself.”

If we as servants of Christ have been called to love, we can not operate in a spirit of faith and fear at the same time. The lack of faith produces the fear, and fear cannot produce the proper responses of love. Fear makes you unproductive, ineffective, and inefficient when it comes to the word of God. Why? Because fear teaches selfishness, and the word of God reaches selflessness. The only fear that we should have is fear of the Lord! That means to hate what he hates, and love what he loves. That’s being in accordance with his will, so that you will be productive in finishing the works to which you have been called.

The Bible says, “God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”

2 Timothy 1:7 Thats the opposite of what we see in the world when we turn on our tv. That’s often times the opposite of what I hear people saying they feel like in a regular basis. So, what’s stopping us from walking in Gods spirit at all times? The scripture says, that fear comes from punishment. The bi-product of fear is punishment, and the one who operates in a spirit of fear is someone that has not been perfected in love. If you have not been perfected in love and that’s what God has choose for you to represent to others, why do you choose to live in fear of man over fear of God? The odd answer is still punishment.

Instead of being ineffective in spirit, why not take ownership of your mission and calling of God through the finished works of Jesus Christ? If you truly belive that Christ died for your sins past, present, and future, then why do you still walk around in fear of punishment? Christ himself took on all of our sins and God through the memory of them as far as east is from west. Our transgressions are remembered no more! If God himself doesn’t remember, what excuse do you have for still walk in them? Excuses are void when you are employed by God to represent him through Christ Jesus. You do not have the time to allow what is old to be apart of what’s new. Your sin debt was due, and Jesus payed the price that you couldn’t pay, so he made a way for you to have life and life more abundantly. He did so by laying his life down for you as example for you to lay your life down for others. But you can’t operate in a spirit of fear and and faith at the same time.

This is why God gave you the Holy Spirit. It’s says in scripture that the spirit and the flesh are always at war keeping you from doing what it is you want to do. If our natural temptation is fear, God always provides a way out of temptation so that you may endure it. (These two verses can be found in Galatians 5:17 and 1 Cor 10:13) So, ultimately we are void of excuse when we stand before God on the day of judgment. Though we have moved from death to life through Christ, we are still called to follow Christ. Those that love him will walk as he walked, and Christ did not walk in a spirit of fear.

In my studies I’ve read that the only two natural fears you were ever born with were the fear of falling, and the fear of loud noises. Anything else has been taught by man! As scripture says, “There is a way that seems right to a man that leads to death,” well fear is that way, and the world is full of it. When we fear we have a lack faith. When we lack fait , you lack belief in God and in yourself. That means you have no reason to continue in route. When you choose not to continue, you become unproductive and lack the ability to take risk. When the risk is gone so is the reward, and most of us are left living a hollow self serving life oof bitterness, resentment, depression, gossip, and deceit.

So how do we change it? Taking the word of God and putting it into action:

The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me? Psalms 118:6

The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe. Proverbs 29:25

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me? Psalms 56:3-4

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. Philippians 4:6

For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” Romans 8:15

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. John 14:27

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Psalms 23:4

The fear of the Lord leads to life, and whoever has it rests satisfied; he will not be visited by harm. Proverbs 19:23

And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Matthew 10:28

For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.” Isaiah 41:13

I can do all things through him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

“Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid; for the Lord God is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation.” Isaiah 12:2

The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them Psalms 34:7

The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.” Exodus 14:14

I’d suggest copy and pasting these into reminders on your phone, on the hour of every hour. Seem a bit much? What do you think the cost is of living in another unproductive second of fear? Do as you want, but I personally have had reminders set for years. It’s like getting a personal text from the word of God going, “Hey, I know you’re at war right now, but remover I’m here, even if you forgot about me.” I can’t tell you how many times I forgot that I set those reminders, and they popped up at just the right time.

So many people will choose to ignore sound advice and walk into their own perils. Many of you might read half of this, and never make it to the bottom. For the ones that do, you’re left with a decision to make. Are you going to operate in a spirit of fear or a spirit of faith?

I pray today a prayer of blessing and courage rest on you and your household. That the spirit of God send boldness into your heart and in doing so, you step out of your comfort zone to serve God in all that you do. I believe everyone reading this message will receive divine courage, and confidence. I believe good report will be sent out into the world, and that the word of God will be made manifest in ways never seen before in the times. You will be blessed in all that you do, putting Hod first in all of your ways, for all of your days. In Jesus precious and Holy a name. So it is so.

If you read this message please shoot me a text or a message on social media an just leave #IChooseLife

Means more than you know! Grace and peace be with you in abundance. -ES

[solatgif]

TGIF: ROUNDUP FOR MAY 15, 2020

Episode 19 of the SOLA Network Podcast features Uzuhan - an independent recording artist based in Atlanta. We talk about revival fever, how moving to a cross-cultural church led by a Black pastor flipped his worldview upside down, and how churches and artists can work together to have greater compassion for the marginalized. Watch on YouTube. Listen on Spotify or Podcasts.

In our previous episode, Editor Hannah Chao gave an update on SOLA Digital, discussed our top 5 articles so far in 2020, and shared what she's been working on creatively. Watch on YouTube. Listen on Spotify and Podcasts.

Before writing about Running for Ahmaud Arbery and Justice, Hannah interviewed Pastor Raymond Chang and Dr. Michelle Reyes from the Asian American Christian Collaborative. Read the article or listen to their 40-minute conversation on YouTube, Spotify, and Podcasts. Do you have an idea for a podcast interview? Send me your feedback on Twitter or Instagram.

ARTICLES FROM AROUND THE WEB

1. Daniel Silliman: Died: Joyce Lin, Missionary Pilot Transporting Coronavirus Supplies

“The American crashed just months after she started flying in Indonesia.”

2. Heidi Tai: Mary: The Woman Who Wasted On Jesus

A devotional from Luke 10:38–42 and Mark 14:1–11, exploring Jesus' interactions with a 'wasteful' and 'unproductive' woman.

3. Mark Vroegop: How to Grieve Racial Violence through Lament

“Lament provides the tracks along which the pain of racial issues can move forward.”

BOOKS, PODCASTS, MUSIC, AND MORE

1. T4G20: All Resources Now Available

Originally planned as an in-person gathering, T4G20 moved to an online-only event due to COVID-19. Watch 11 main talks, 6 breakout sessions, and more.

2. Hanley Liu: Our Finest Hour of Trial: The Devastating Yet Gentle Call of Christ to Repentance

“Let’s not be tempted to just set a vision of going backwards to pre-COVID glory, but to go forward to what God would have for us. Future generations will read about churches, not just our church, but all churches going through this global crisis. What will the history books say?”

3. Aaron Lee: Miscellaneous

I partnered with IVP on my personal Instagram to give away 3 copies of the excellent book Disruptive Witness by Alan Noble. Check out this post to enter! Our TGIF playlist is available on Spotify, with new music from contributors Sarah Kang and Uzuhan.

FEATURED THIS WEEK ON SOLA NETWORK

1. Sarah Kim: 5 Ways To Show Compassion to Those who are Grieving

“I have certainly experienced trials and loss in the past but it never hit me in such an unnatural and personal way until this January of this year, when my husband and I had a stillbirth mid-pregnancy.”

2. John Quan: I Had Coronavirus. Here’s What You Need To Know.

“God has been gracious to me through this experience, and I have a newfound appreciation for my life, and especially for my wife and son. My faith in the Lord has increased, and I understand how He provides comfort to the afflicted and suffering.”

3. Charlene Hao: Deriving the Infinite Wonder of Christ Through Math

“I enjoy the way that math is integrated into all areas of life itself. But what I’ve come to enjoy most about math is that God has used it as a means to further reveal His infinite self to all of creation.”

4. Vera Christian: Encouragement For the Suddenly Homeschooling Parent

“Rest in the Lord. Trust that He will guide you to do what is best for your family as you navigate through this path of distance education. And that’s success.”

5. Hannah Chao: Running for Ahmaud Arbery and Justice

“As Christians, we must not stay silent when there is injustice. We must be compassionate towards the victims and those who feel loss and pain. We must carry their burdens, as Christ carries ours, and advocate for them.”

6. TGIF: Roundup for May 8, 2020

In case you missed it: The Cancer of Racism amid COVID-19 / Make Sure Your Members Are Christians, Not Just Immigrants / Pandemic Priorities for Church Planters.

[pastelneons]

1 Month Round-Up

It has been a month since I moved from US to SEAN Licensing, and a lot of things have change since then.

The Schedule

The change of shift is a pain in the ass. Commuting is so hard when you are on day shift (but I’d rather be stuck in traffic than go home feeling wasted and unwell). I mean the travel time is almost the same as when I was on night shift, but it feels more exhausting when you’re battling with tons of people to get a ride home. I tried different ways to go home and each of them comes with a different kind of struggle. Such attempts are:

The usual jeep from Gate 3 to Bicutan – OK if you ride a jeep to Tenement (because go try your luck finding one that goes directly to Bicutan which you could actually sit on) and ride another jeep from Tenement to Bicutan. If waiting on the curb for jeeps with passengers unloading on Gate 3 takes too long, I walk on Sales Bridge to go to the other service road and try my luck to get an empty or half-empty jeep from there (because that’s where the jeeps passing on Gate 3 come from).

PNR – which is the best ride because it’ll take you only 15-20 minutes to arrive at Bicutan. A con is you have to be a braveheart. I tried it once because I have waited for too long on the Gate 3 curb and finally gave up on the jeeps. It was the day of the ASEAN conference??? Whatever that’s called. When the train arrived, I saw that it was like filled-to-the-brim kind of full with people. On the sight of it, I kind of panicked because I thought that I was going to wait another hour to be able to ride another train which, I hope, isn’t as full as this one. Luckily, the train marshal pulled my hopes up when he said that there’s still space on one of the coaches. I got a bit confused because people are on the ledge already and I don’t know if I would fit. But he just told me to go there and I thought that I was gonna be stepping on the ledge with the door opened throughout the whole ride. I didn’t know that the doors actually close, judging by the situation. And then, as the coach’s door was closing, the marshal kept pushing me inside, and then poof, the door had closed and I was held secure. It was one of the most epic rides ever. I cannot forget what one of my friends told us – Kung sa MRT para kayong sardinas, sa PNR naman daw para kayong MaLing – which I can attest to after what I had been through! People are so cramped, it’s like playing Twister on a train.

Pasay – kinda cool but time-consuming. It’s going to a farther place to get a surer ride home. I have tried it only once - and on accident. I thought I saw Sucat, which would pass by Bicutan, on the sign, but got confused when I realized that I was the only one who quickly got in. People would’ve swarmed had it been a Sucat jeep.

I have already accepted the Sparta-like commuting fate that has come along the bargain.  I also leave the house early to avoid being stuck in traffic. I leave the house at 6AM even if my schedule is 9-6PM. It’s such a bad schedule because it eats up all my time. I can’t do much before leaving and after getting back home.

Aside from the commute, one significant change that I dealt with is my body clock. On the 1st and 2nd day, it was a struggle for me to focus on training because my eyes were fighting the urge to sleep. We were on a 7-4 schedule on the 1st week. Whenever I get home at around 6pm, I go straight to bed to have a nap. Although the naps last hours – which aren’t naps anymore. I can’t sleep straight ‘til morning, though, because we have to eat dinner.

It also feels weird to sleep in the sleeping quarters at day time. On my first time to do such thing, I was really wowed by the place. It was my first time to see the place lit. During night time, all I can see was darkness in that place (14th floor sleeping area).

The People

The co-trainees are nice, but I feel intimidated at times because they have more experience than I do. I can sense the air of superiority, especially when they express ideas whenever we talk to the higher-ups.

The trainers have been very helpful, especially Sherrie, whom I never thought I’d be close with. Sherrie and us (Malaysia trainees) really stuck because of the green jokes LOL We really aren’t that close with Eric because he’s at the AU Licensing side most of the time, but I was really touched when he told TL Arlome, the one who interviewed me on my 1st Internal Career Opportunity attempt, that I am a good trainee and one of the bests. Surprisingly, I’ve also become close to Vince, the trainer for HK.  I never expected that we would be close because I didn’t meet him the same time my co-trainees did. I all fairness, he’s one of the kindest people I’ve met so far. He resembles the male version of Marisse.

I also had interactions with people from AU and SG teams during our side-by-side sessions. They were all cool too. They tried to educate me about the process as much as possible – though wat they do differs from what we’ll be doing. The hard part was introducing myself over and over again. I’ve gone through 3 introductions with those 3 people I sat with.

Our Tacloban training room is huge and obviously meant for large groups, that’s why the training supervisor and the other trainers stay there when they don’t have meetings. They’re all surprisingly friendly. That is one thing I like about Ingram Micro. Even when people are in higher positions, they don’t act like it. They don’t hesitate to speak to regular employees and they don’t have that boss-like attitude.

The HK-MY Team is awesome. They are very supportive to us and lifts our spirits up by saying that we can do it. Hehe. We also have a great TL. He’s so chill and cool. He’s been promoted just recently, so I feel like he’s at the same pace of learning as we are.

The Work

First Few Days - The first week was the real struggle of the whole month. Since I came in one week late in the training, Sherrie (one of our trainers) taught me everything about SAP in just one day. I had to catch up with my co-trainees so we can be at the same pace as soon as possible. I learned everything and took the exit test on my 2nd day.. I have to admit that I thought I would fail the test because I never used SAP before. It is 360 degrees different from what we have in US Licensing. After those 2 days of information overload, the training slowed down. Every day felt like we’re just going to work to wait for 6PM. We cannot complain, though, because we’re getting paid without any work. LOL. But still, there’s the lingering feeling of boredom due to unproductivity.

Work Assignments - I was assigned to Malaysia Renewals, and my partner is Jerome. We finally had the WebEx training schedule after 3 weeks of doing nothing. Lucky for us, we had our training earlier than the other two assigned to Malaysia Quote Creations. Jerome and I were given 4 vendors to handle, namely, McAfee, VMware, Trend Micro, and Fortinet. The renewal quoting process for all these vendors seems routinary. The struggle would be the volume and focusing while juggling the four vendors.

Training - We had gone through WebEx training last week. We haven’t tried doing live requests yet, but that should come around this week.

Counterparts – Now this is something interesting. Since we are the 2nd pioneering batch of Malaysia Renewals, a lot of our process resources come from our Malaysian partners. It means that whenever we’re unsure of something, our first line of action is to contact the people from the Malaysia office, which includes the Product Managers, Internal Sales Representatives, and people from the Vendor. I feel like it’s so cool because directly communicating with them gives me a feeling of significance. When I was in the US, only our TL and senior can get to speak with our American counterparts freely. Whenever I try to talk to them for help, there is a feeling of anxiety because I might be bothering them or they may not like to be asked questions. But in our current situation, I believe that the counterparts have been oriented about the need to work hand in hand for us to be able to help them and for the process to be successfully transitioned in the Philippines.

All in all, everything is going great except for the fact that I cannot do much at home and I cannot go to go to places freely whenever I need to accompany my dad to places. Since I already know the cons of this work sched, I need to step my game up and be more organized at home so that my dad and stepmom wouldn’t go hungry and become more at ease while I‘m away.

I’m definitely missing everything about the night shift, especially my friends. It’ll be hard for people to match what we’ve had. It’s a good thing that Sheena is only a few steps away. She’s someone who makes me feel the old feelings J I also miss Microsoft. I accessed Impulse several times and found myself lagging for a few seconds while exploring the system because I forgot some of the jump codes already. So sad L  It makes me reminiscent of the good times and bad times with Microsoft. LOL

This post is getting sad already. I’m starting to miss the old bunch L As they say, change is essential to growth, and a part of change is leaving things and embracing new ones.