#and I think actually painting this one has cured me of that desire lol

[curiosityschild]

Amphibiuary Days 11 + 15: Painted and 3D

A holdable friend

[the-real-slim-shady]

Transgender and Non-Binary People: The Facts and Science Behind Them

I wrote this essay a while ago, after I had an argument with my mom about transgender people, and I figured I'd share it, it’s really long, so feel free to just skim it and find the important parts lol.

    In recent years, gender issues have become much more prevalent in our society. People who are transgender and non-binary finally feel comfortable being who they are, but there are still people who think transgender and non-binary people don’t exist. Some believe that they’re just seeking attention, or that all of their problems could be solved with therapy. This is a tricky topic because it is hard to scientifically prove how a person feels in their body.

    People usually think of the words “sex” and “gender” as interchangable, but this is in fact incorrect. In general terms, the word “sex” refers to the biological differences between men and women, such as the genitalia and genetic differences. “Gender” is more ambiguous, and harder to define. Gender usually refers to the role of a man and woman in society or an individual’s concept of themselves. To put it simply, sex is in the body, gender is in the mind. Sometimes a person’s genetically assigned sex does not line up with their gender. These individuals usually refer to themselves as transgender, non-binary, or genderfluid.

    We all learn in middle school that the last pair of chromosomes we have determines our sex. XX for a woman and XY for a man. Sex, however, is not that simple. The male/female split is often seen as a man-or-woman binary, but this is not entirely true. Some men are born with two or three X chromosomes as well as a Y, and some women are born with a Y chromosome. In some cases, a child is born with a mix between male and female genitalia. This is sometimes deemed intersex, and parents can decide which gender to assign to the child, but sometimes the child feels neither male nor female or disagrees with their parents’ decision. A person can be female if they have an X and Y chromosome but they are insensitive to androgens, so they have a female body. A person can have an X and Y chromosome and have a female body because their Y is missing the SRY gene. A person can have two X chromosomes and have a male body because one of their X’s has a SRY gene. A person can be female because they only have one X chromosome. A person can be male because they have two X chromosomes and one Y. A person can be male because you have two X chromosomes but your heart and brain are male and a person can be female with an X and a Y because their heart and mind feel stuck inside the wrong body.

    Most people’s sex and gender line up. The expectation that if you’re assigned a male at birth, you’re a man, and you’re assigned female at birth you’re a woman, lines up for people who are cisgender. But for people who are transgender or non-binary, the sex they’re assigned at birth may not align with the gender they know themselves to be. The concepts of gender and sex are socially constructed. We as a society assign gender and sex based on socially agreed upon characteristics. Dresses, the color pink, makeup, long hair, painted nails, and high heels belong to women, but we have seen in the past that this wasn’t always true, and as time goes on, the gendering of the aforementioned products is fading. This doesn’t mean that body parts and functions are “made up”, it just means that we categorize and define things in ways that could actually be different.

    The transgender and non-binary identity has long been associated with poor mental health and trauma that can be “cured” by therapy. Science however, says otherwise. Transgender women tend to have brain structures that resemble cisgender women rather than cisgender men. The bed nucleus of the stria terminalis (BSTc) in transgender women is more similar to cisgender women than cisgender men, and the BSTc in transgender men more closely resembles that of a cisgender man. Science tells us that gender is not binary, it may even be a linear spectrum. Like other facets of identity, it can operate on a large range of levels and operate outside of many definitions. Transgender and non binary individuals are not suffering from a mental illness or carefully “choosing” a different identity. The transgender and non-binary identity is multi dimensional, but it deserves no less respect or recognition than any other facet of humankind.

    It is essential to understand the difference between transgender people and non binary people. Transgender people feel like their assigned sex is wrong, and therefore change their gender and sometimes undergo surgery. Non-binary and genderqueer people identify themselves with neither an exclusively male or female gender, their gender identity is beyond the gender binary, sometimes fluctuates between genders, or rejects the gender binary. People who are genderqueer or genderfluid alternate between genders. Kind of like a craving for food, one day they will feel like one gender and wish to be addressed as such, and maybe in a day or a week they’ll feel like another gender and some days they will feel like no gender at all. This may seem to some people like they should just make up their minds, but trust me, if they could they would. Non binary people, however, feel like no gender, and will always feel like they belong outside the gender binary. Science has yet to provide an insight into the non-binary identity and whether there’s any scientific basis to them.

    Some people say that transgender and non binary individuals are just feeling gender dysphoria, and they can overcome it. Gender dysphoria is actually just a name for how transgender and onbinary people feel before they come out: feeling that your emotional or psychological identiy as male or female to be opposite to your biological sex. Gender dysphoria is a strong desire to be rid of your sex characteristics because you feel like they don’t belong to you. It is a strong desire for the sex characteristics of the other gender, or no sex charecteristics at all. It is a strong desire to be treated as another gender. It is a strong conviction that you are not the gender you were born as.

    Some people believe that gender dysphoria for transgender and non-binary people can be solved by therapy. However, researchers analyzed survey responses from more than 27,000 transgender adults accross the US with a roughly even mix of transgender women and transgender men. People who had undergone conversion therapy at some point in their lives were twice as likely to have attempted suicide than someone who had not. About 70% said they had talked to a professional at some point about their gender identity and of those 70%, 20% had undergone conversion therapy. All of the aforementioned people are still transgender.

    In addition, many medical associations and academies have spoken out against conversion therapy. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry “finds no evidence to support the application of any “therapeutic intervention” operating under the premise that a specific sexual orientation, gender identity, and/or gender expression is pathological. Furthermore, based on the scientific evidence, the AACAP asserts that such ‘conversion therapies’ lack scientific credibility and clinical utility. Additionally, there is evidence that such interventions are harmful. As a result, ‘conversion therapies’ should not be part of any behavioral health treatment of children and adolescents."

    The American Academy of Pediatrics says “"Confusion about sexual orientation is not unusual during adolescence. Counseling may be helpful for young people who are uncertain about their sexual orientation or for those who are uncertain about how to express their sexuality and might profit from an attempt at clarification through a counseling or psychotherapeutic initiative. Therapy directed specifically at changing sexual orientation is contraindicated, since it can provoke guilt and anxiety while having little or no potential for achieving changes in orientation."

    Since the beginnning of the non-binary movement, it has gathered skepticism, critisism, derision, and even violence. Many non-binary people (and transgender people too) are accused of being “special snowflakes” or “drama queens” and “attention whores”. However, this criticism ignores the fact that gender identity is largely personal. In addition, something as simple as the way you wish to be identified tends to cause hatred to be sent your way. There is little critisim towards non-binary people that can be directed towards them in a constructive matter. If a non-binary person is in fact “just doing it for attention” the name calling and hatred would just be feeding into their desire for attention and giving them exactly what they want!

    Finally, if exploring your gender identity is a “trend” as some have called it, then isn’t it better than the previous trend of feeling isolated and alone and having absolutely no way to be who you are and say what you feel? In light of the current lack of any scientific evidence as to the biological nature of non-binary transsexuality, it is best to act in the same way as any situation where there is a phenomenon yet to be proven by science: doubt, skepticism, and open-mindedness, which accepts the potential for truth, but does not assume it.

    Some people are against the idea of calling a transgender or non-binary person their chosen pronouns because they disagree with the way that said person identifies themselves, and they reserve the right to their freedom of speech. Dr. Jordan Peterson is one of these people.

    Dr. Peterson is a psychology professor at the University of Toronto. He released a video lecture series taking aim at political correctness. He was frustrated with being asked to use alternative pronouns requested by trans and non-binary students and staff. “I’ve studied authoritarianism for a very long time, for forty years,” Dr Peterson told the BBC. “It starts by people’s attempts to control the ideological and linguistic territory. There’s no chance I’m going to use words made up by people who are doing that, not a chance.” Dr Peterson is concerned proposed federal human rights legislation will elevate his refusal to use alternative pronouns into hate speech. There is currently a bill in Canada that prohibits discrimination under the Canadian Human Rights Act on the basis of gender identity and expression. Under this bill, Dr. Peterson is not guilty of hate speech, but he could face sanction under Ontario’s human rights code which extended protection to trans people in 2012.

    Conservatives like Dr. Peterson have conjured up images of good people being dragged off to jail for not calling a person by their chosen pronouns. To the contrary, as legal scholars like Brenda Cossman and Kyle Kirkup have patiently explained, the bill in Canada cannot lead to anything remotely like this. But the milk has been spilled, and rants have been recorded, and the subtext is that there is a segment of society accustomed to others accommodating their freedom but not the other way around.

    Some people are confused as to why calling someone by their chosen pronouns constitutes as human rights, but I am confused about something else: In what kind of society does the question of whether we should respect people provoke a major debate? In what kind of society does the sentiment “you can’t make me” constitute a compelling argument?

    In conclusion, there’s no reason to discriminate against non-binary people or transgender people because contrary to the popular belief, you’re not being morally or intellectually superior, you’re just being rude. Use their prefered name and pronouns. I promise it won’t kill you.

[feymaid]

can i get a shitpost of ur DA2 fam? i am bummed out that no one is critical of characters anymore n i need a pick-me-up... :(

OF COURSE!!!! Thank u for asking ;o; (These got a bit longer than the last oop)

1) Luanna Hawke (Uli’s Aeducan’s world-state) ~

She was my first Hawke! She has a primarily purple/blue personality. 

. She worked as a mercenary during her first year in Kirkwall! Luanna gets a whole lot stronger and develops a thicker skin when working with him since she is a very emotional person. Her emotions don’t go away, but she learns how to better mask her emotions with humor to cope. She was extremely close with Bethany, much more so than Carver. Since both her and Bethany were mages, they often trained together, and Luanna was prone to leaving Carver out of her life. She still loved him dearly but it wasn’t until Bethany died and Luanna realized that Carver’s anger towards her felt justified. This was devastating to her and she tried everything she could to get the two of them to be closer, including taking him to the Deep Roads. Carver became a Grey Warden thankfully, but it was very hard for her to see him go. She romanced Fenris! She was drawn to him because Luanna’s self-confidence and will to better herself was extremely low when they met. She found his drive and passion to just get things done extremely admirable and found herself trying to mimic his strength.  She fought the Arishock for Isabela. Isabela is her best friend next to Varric and there was no way she’d let her be taken away. She faced death in that fight when she was stabbed through the stomach. Anders was able to save her but she was permanently scarred. She supported the mages! But did not support Ander’s decision to blow up the Chantry. Despite being a mage, Luanna is Andrastian and was very good friends with Sebastian. However, due to the fact that she and Anders were good friends throughout the game, she couldn’t find it in her heart to kill him. She survives the fade and goes on to have two kiddos.

2) Alphonsa Hawke (Dakila’s Word-State) ~

- Primarily Red but occasionally diplomatic personality.

Alphonsa is my weirdo meanie Hawke who has a bit of an awkward streak but through all of the bullshit, truly means well. She also doesn’t look as clean as she does in the drawing above, often resorting to a terrible hand-cut bowl she does with a pocket knife. She’s pretty quiet and introverted, not ever wanting to grand-stand or stand out. She’s a blood mage too so she wants to fly under the radar as much and hates the attention being champion gives her. With her companions, she has a slower start to forming bonds with them, but eventually considers most of them her friends. She actually ends up marrying Sebastian. So. It’s no secret that the Sebastian romance in DA2 is lacking in content in comparison to the other companions, so a lot of this is my own interpretation of events sprinkled with the canon in-game stuff. Alfie loves Sebastian because he is literally just a good-hearted, kind person. Alfie was never seriously religious. She’s one of those who believe that IF there is a Maker, he has “abandoned his creation la dee da.” She has never really allowed herself to be taken care of. And despite Alfie’s naturally pessimistic attitude, she does try. She wants to be a good person but her anger often times envelopes her when she sees a simple solution to a problem. She’s impatient and needlessly cruel at times. But she is self-aware in her anger, which makes her resent herself a bit. With Sebastian, she actively avoids him at first because the sort of compassion he offers is so alien to her, and how open he is about his heartbreak with his family’s deaths gets under her skin. Long story short, (I have like an essay tucked away about their relationship in general) The two bond over the mutual feeling of the deaths of their families. And they fall in love and get married!!  Alfie isn’t all that upset that the marriage is chaste since she is just so dumb-struck that someone loves her! Act 3 Al is sooo much happier and softer. She grows her hair out and starts taking better care of herself. THEN the chantry explosion happens and her whole world falls apart again. The Chantry represented so much for her. It was her place of healing and peace when she felt alone. It was even more so for Sebastian. In my canon too, Sebastian wasn’t with her when the Chantry exploded. So for one awful moment, she thinks he’s dead. Alfie doesn’t even give Anders a chance to speak. She just beats the absolute SHIT out of him fully intending to beat him to death. And she doesn’t stop until Sebastian literally pulls her off of him. She kills Anders despite supporting the mages. Sebastian drags her off to Starkhaven soon after and she’s glad to go. She has three boys parallel to Sebastian and his brothers for fun.  

Ezekiel Hawke (Marie’s World-state) ~ 

- Red personality. 

Ez is my rouge red Hawke and was a character I made to see how evil I could be in a game since I personally find it really hard to be mean to even video game characters. Ez was a very sickly child and was often bedridden. Throughout his life, his family never knew what exactly was causing him so much pain so the illness remained. When Malcolm died, Ez felt like he hadn’t even known his father, he had spent most of his time training with Bethany and Carver while he had been left to lie in agony. Being the oldest boy in the family, he was pleased to be the head of it and would work tirelessly to improve his strength so that he could walk without fainting. When Ez turned eighteen, he decided to do something about the sickness. He confronted a blood mage and forced him to cure him. The blood mage warned him that a price would need to be paid but Ez didn’t care and would do whatever it took to heal himself. The reverse spell cured Ez, but left him incredibly scarred. At the beginning of DA2, Ez realizes that the spell in itself was a curse, and took away the effects of his invisible illness that would eventually kill him, and instead replaced it with a painless grotesque life. His skin starts rotting off. To cover up the damage done to himself, he covers his face/hair in heavy makeup and powder. (Ez is a secret redhead I know it’s shocking lol) Ez is extremely vain and particular about how he looks and will not allow anyone to touch him out of fear of seeing under his painted mask. His resentment of mages causes him to lash out at Bethany. Carver’s death was even less meaningful to him than his father’s. For a majority of their relationship, Ez pressures Bethany to find a cure for his deformities. Bethany dies in the deep roads and Leandra’s death was almost therapeutic. A desire to erase his family and start over overcame him. The name “Hawke” belonged to him and only him. Power became very interesting to Ez, as he was powerless his entire life and he was willing to appeal to anyone who might give it to him. This includes the Arishock who he happily gave Isabela to. He worked as a smuggler for the first year in Kirkwall. Ez for the most part was never interested in romance or even friendship, just political alliances. But he ended up getting in a very unhealthy rivalmance with Anders. He never really cared for Anders in a romantic sense but enjoyed the attention he gave him. He and Anders never go beyond a few kisses since Ez just can’t stand to have anyone touch him. (Again I could write an essay on this relationship) Ez supported the Templars and ruled as Viscount. He had Anders executed (ya extra tragic for Anders again sorry lol). In my own canon, Ez gets corrupted with red lyrium in the final fight against the mages and is a brutal and ruthless ruler, so much so that a rebellion happens against him and he is driven out of Kirkwall. He immediately starts looking for the next source of power to appeal to. He eventually works for Corypheus and spies for him in Inquisition. My Inquisitor in that universe finds out he’s a traitor and leaves him in the fade. 

[lovemesomesurveys]

How frequently are you inclined to read, and how much? I read quite often. I go through spurts where I go through numerous books back to back and then go a little while without reading at all. These past few months I’ve been on a serious reading kick, going through several series. I’ve really been into murder mystery/psychological thrillers. When was the last time you questioned the direction your life was taking? I’ve been wondering that for years and I still have no idea. Would you say that your personal views align with society’s, generally? That’s too broad. There’s so many varying opinions. ^ If not, in what ways do your opinions drastically differ? I don’t feel like thinking about it. That’s too much thought than I care to give right now, ha. What small things have the ability to get under your skin? Oh man, sometimes it can be any little thing. I’m such an irritable, moody person and there’s days where it’s just extra. I’ve been having those days a lot lately. 

When was the last time you were caused to be upset with someone? I’ve just been in a shitty mood, no one has really done anything. It’s just my brain being the way it is. ^ Have you made up with that individual yet, or will you ever? My brain doesn’t want to be nice. What is something small that has the ability to cure a bad mood? Putting on something I like to watch can help. I’ve been binging The Gilmore Girls lately. What beverage is best capable of quenching your thirst? I guess water, blech. haha. I love coffee and it does hit the spot in terms of I enjoy it and it’s delicious, but I guess it’s not the most thirst quenching. What was the last big change through which you went? The whole world, including the actual world itself, has been going through big changes this year. ^ Do you deal well with change, typically? Have you always? No. Change is scary and uncomfortable. Even when it could be a good change, it’s scary to take that step and what you might have to go through to get to the good can be difficult. It’s easy to get comfortable with the way things are. And the changes we’ve seen this year... yikes.  How do you feel after spending a great quantity of time online? I don’t care. What do you consider to be the biggest drawback to being you? My mental and physical health and the fact I’ve just let myself waste away these past few years. I haven’t taken care of myself like I should have. I’ve neglected myself. I haven’t tried to work on my mental health and there’s stuff with my physical health that I should be doing, but I’m not. I have no idea what I want to do in this life. I have no plan. No direction. I just sit here day after day, which turns into week after week, year after year.  What do you consider the best part of being who you are? Uhhh. I’m not a big fan of myself if you couldn’t tell. What kinds of things do you have on display in your room? Giraffe stuffed animals (including one that stands 4 ft tall), giraffe paintings and postcards, different postcards from different places I’ve been to, Christmas decorations that have been up for almost 2 years :X, books, Star Wars stuff, a bulletin board with various things pinned to it, my hats hung up, my mini Adidas backpacks hung up... What do you think your room and its contents say about you, if anything? It’s quite evident I love giraffes, ha. When was the last time you felt insecure about something/some situation? I’m an insecure person. What is something about which you are very confident or self-assured? That I have no idea what I’m doing. Do you ever stop to contemplate infinity? No. Are you comfortable amongst nature, or does the wilderness discomfit you? I like being out at the beach, but that’s as outdoorsy as it gets for me. I have zero desire to go camping and I don’t enjoy being at a park or just sitting outside (unless like I said it’s at the beach). My parents keep trying to get me to sit outside for a little while at least cause I haven’t left the house at all in 3 months and they’re concerned about my vitamin D. I’m just like ew, I don’t want to just sit outside lol. There’s bugs everywhere. And it’s super hot already here. D:  When was the last time someone or something caught you off guard? The big moth that was flying around my room earlier that seemed to come out of nowhere. D: How much time do you put into maintaining your appearance and hygiene? I don’t put much effort into my appearance anymore.  Are there any foods you eat daily? … Or wish you could? Ramen every night. I also have a sandwich and/or eggs most days. Lately, I’ve been eating these Healthy Choice pesto pasta meals for lunch. When was the last time someone new entered your life? Uhhh. It’s been years. ^ What was your first impression of that individual? Do you put much thought into your handwriting? My handwriting is awful. I rarely handwrite anything anymore, so when I do it seems to have gotten worse. My hand is like, “what am I supposed to do with this writing thing?” ha. What are some of the top priorities in your life right now? i’m just taking things day by day, man. Trying to get through. In general, how do you feel about romantic relationships? I’m sure they’re nice. It’s been so long since I’ve even had someone I was talking to/interested in, so I forget what it feels like. Not to mention the fact that I’ve never had a real relationship.  Which emotional sensation inconveniences or bothers you the most? Uh, my depression, anxiety, and irritability?  Are you capable of consoling others in their grief? I never know what to say. Sometimes there’s not really anything you can say. I just try to be there for them, even if that means just sitting there with them and not saying anything.  Do you ever find it awkward to compliment another being? Yes. I just gotta be awkward about everything.  When was the last time you had a new experience? What was it? It’s been a long time. My days are very routine. I do the same things. It’s like living in a continuous loop.  Do you dress more for yourself, or to the expectations of others? Ha, very much for myself. I don’t go anywhere so no one even sees me outside of my family, but regardless. I’m clearly not trying to impress anyone. What kinds of things tend to stress you out? What doesn’t stress me out. What is one way you cope when you feel like crap? One of the things I do is binge watch something to try and take my mind off things.

Name an insult you regularly receive, if there is one? I’m the only one who says hurtful, mean things about myself.  Name a site that takes up a lot of your time? Probably YouTube. I spend a lot of time on there, especially at night watching ASMR. What is something you used to believe about life that you no longer do? Blah.  Do you have a tendency to look on the morbid side of life? :/ When was the last time you went shopping? What did you buy? I’ve bought stuff online recently. I haven’t physically been to a store in months. When you shop for clothing, how long does it take you? I’ve been doing my shopping online the past few years and it doesn’t usually take me very long. What is something fun you have done within the past week? Fun? What’s that? ha. What is something you hope you never have to do again? Have surgery. How does the rain affect your mood, if it does? It gives me a headache and can make me achey, yet I love the rain. I just wish it didn’t do that. 

[that-spider-witch]

PET Episode 1: My Thoughts/First Impressions

IMPORTANT EDIT: After someone pointed it out to me and I rewatched the episode, I have to say that yes, the kid at the start of the episode is NOT Tsukasa, and he actually grew into the now blond guy who first appears at the very end. Needless to say, I feel really stupid right now. The rest of the list remains the same, though.

-...Ok first of all this anime is already a hell to properly tag or even find in a Google search. Jeez and I thought the anime Another was bad. It’s going to be a nightmare to separate the cute pet posts from this mindfuck of an anime.

- We open the episode with Tsukasa’s backstory (That’s his name, right?) and, it probably wasn’t the creator’s intentions, but as an autistic person it resonated strongly with me.

- Like... Tsukasa as a kid is strongly reminiscent of a “low functioning” autistic child: Blank expression, no verbal communication, “disturbingly obsessed” with a TV show, and prone to meltdowns. But, underneath what his mother wrongly believes to be some sort of vegetative state there is a completely normal kid who is very, very aware of his surroundings, what his mother thinks about him and his family’s situation. I know this is most likely accidental and no further parallels to Autism will happen after this flashback since grown-up Tsukasa seems to be either as neurotypical as someone with mindbreaking powers can be or really good as passing as one, but... Yeah.

- Fuck Tsukasa’s dad. We don’t even get to see his face and I already hate him.

- There’s this disturbing and honestly very heartbreaking scene where Tsukasa’s mother is having suicidal thoughts and we see her distorted mental image of herself cutting her own throat with a kitchen knife. Being a psychic, Tsukasa sees this and has what I could only describe as an actually rather accurate meltdown, with him repeatedly hitting his head against the TV table to the point that he starts to bleed. 

- Of course, his mother can’t understand what’s actually happening with her son and plans to have him committed somewhere if he doesn’t gets “cured” soon, while the dad is completely absent and we are told he believes it’s all the mother’s fault somehow (Seriously, who is this asshat? Fuck him).

- To Tsukasa’s luck, two adult psychics just happen to be passing through the hospital, with one of them recognizing Tsukasa as one of them because he was exactly the same when he was his age. He gets inside his mind and we get a little bit of exposition as the dude gives Tsukasa tips to handle better his powers. 

- Pretty CGI butterflies are pretty. The nerd in me also wants to point out that they strongly seem to resemble male Scarlet Mormon butterflies, which just happen to be toxic to eat for birds and other predators. Symbolic foreshadowing, or the animators just used random black and red butterfly models because they were pretty?

- There’s this weird fish imagery in both the opening and the official artwork too. There’s a Koi swimming in the Opening, and the fish in the artworks looks like a Betta to me. The latter could become very symbolic if there is any fighting down the line, be against other psychics or between themselves... Or, again, it could just be for pure aesthetic reasons. 

- Aaaand... Timeskip!

- I don’t know his name yet, but Blond Twink Bishounen Boy looks and acts like he could become the Sinnamon Roll of the season. (I could have said Cinnamon Roll, but then the rest of the episode happened and... Yeah, NOPE!).

- “Save the foreplay for after breakfast!” LOL 

- Who is this Kaori and why we never get to properly meet her or see her this episode? Will she be on the next episode, or what?

- ...Really starting to ship Tsukasa and Blond Twink Bishounen Boy together here, not gonna lie. I hope I’m not alone on that one.

- ...No, really, WHO IS KAIRI?

- Can be all agree that Kenji was a nice dude, acted like a cool big bro around these two boys who were seemingly just renting a room at his property and generally did NOTHING to deserve all the bullshit that happened to him this episode?

- Like... This was just a dude who was just living his life: He had a best friend, his own bar and was quitting smoking. His only sin was to apparently get himself involved in some shady business involving psychics and because of that he saw his best friend getting killed, then got mind-raped into thinking that not only his best friend was a murderer and that he always hated him, but that he hated him too, any loving memory of their friendship seemingly murdered. Oh, and he’s smoking again too.

- I think there’s a subtle narrative to be found here with Kenji’s smoking habits. There’s no reason as to why wiping his memory of his friendship with his late buddy would also erase his desire to quit... Unless it was his buddy who had gotten him to stop smoking in the first place. Just something to think about.

- Speaking in TV Tropes terms, this anime seems to be running on the Villain Protagonist trope, or at the very least on some really, really grey morality. What the protagonists did this first episode was truly heinous, and we didn’t got a good answer as to why they couldn’t just erase their memories and let them be other than “It’s more complicated than that” from the Cigarette Dude.

- I want to know more about Tsukasa and company, that’s for sure. I just won’t be siding with them anytime soon, unless the next episodes do a better job at explaining why they are doing what they’re doing and paints them in a better light. I want to know what the hell is happening.

- 10/10. Great way to start some really good psychological drama, let’s see if the series follows through with it.

-...Yokota and Kenji deserved better, though.

[toothyblowjob]

hi! i’m anon from mamoru (asking here cus asks aren’t on on ur sims blog) i’m really interested in your thoughts about incorporating disabilities into the sims, i’m trying to develop my own sims game cus fuck ea lol, and i’d really like to be as incorporating of disability as possible. thanks!

damn, my asks weren’t on? that sucks. i think i fixed it now, but i swear i already had them on...

anyway!!!

i’m looking at this more from a perspective of “how to make the sims 4 better” than like “how to make my own video game” and i don’t know much about coding or game development so idk how helpful some of this will be but hopefully some will?? infodump incoming!!! sorry if it’s not that coherent. i’ve bolded some keywords in case you want to only read sections pertaining to certain disabilities.

starting with canes, bc i use one and i wish my simself did: sims 3 had canes, but for some reason they were coded weird so only elders could use them (iirc modders weren’t even able to fix it?? wtf ea). plus ts4 has custom walkstyles, and your sim can hold things like umbrellas while walking, so it’s almost definitely possible to add canes and crutches.

adding walkers would probably be a very similar process, tho i can imagine there might be some issues w clipping? not that ea has ever given a single fuck about that lmao

i’m a little bit less sure how wheelchairs would work, but the best reference i can think of is the strollers from ts3, or maaaybe some of the smaller vehicles. i have a vague memory of like a bike or a hoverpad or something that you could ride everywhere and not just on the road, but idk. the main issue i can see is that certain animations and interactions would need to be a lot more flexible--eg, sims would need to be able to do things like cook or paint or give hugs while sitting down. i can also see it being a little tricky to animate “transfers” from like, a wheelchair to a desk chair or w/e. honestly i think this would be easier to implement in sims 4 than it would have been in sims 3, because ts4 at least allows you to multitask some things. idk, it would probably be on the harder side, but holy shit it would be so worth it.

and then for some reason when i think about wheelchair users in the sims i start to wonder how feasible it would be to include little people (i hope that’s the right term?). simmers have been wanting height sliders since at least ts3, but any time a modder tries to add one the animations start getting kinda wonky, and i don’t think anyone’s really considered a height slider that goes low enough to make sims with dwarfism. i KNOW there are non-sim games out there that use height sliders, but idk how tf they do it without giving everyone telekinesis.

there was a mod in sims 3 that added sliders for amputated limbs, but it was a purely cosmetic thing, so like, sims would still walk like they had two legs or write with their “missing” hand or w/e. ideally i’d love to see a way to give sims limb differences that actually affected how they went about their lives + gave them the option to use prosthetics. i found a set of running blades in the “shoe” category for sims 4, but like... if you give them to a sim they’ll still magically grow legs in the shower lol.

deafness i think ties into my desire for sims to be able to speak multiple languages. not all deaf people use sign language, of course, but it would be great if sims had the option. i guess languages would function like any other skills, and if two sims don’t have any languages in common, they won’t be able to communicate beyond very basic things. maybe if you wanted a deaf sim to be able to speak, you could hire a speech therapist, or purchase some sort of object for them to practice with. also, dyou remember the earbuds in ts3 that made it so like, you’d only hear the music when you selected the sim using earbuds? i think you could probably make it so that when a deaf sim is active the game volume is either much lower or completely off. then for things like hearing aids, you could equip them and the volume would get a little bit higher.

blindness could use a similar mechanic, but instead of everything being silent, everything would be very dark and low-contrast. maybe objects that were making noise or places your sim had been before would have more detail. blind sims could also use navigation canes that would like... light up the area immediately in front of them.

invisible disabilities, allergies, and neuropsychiatric conditions would probably be a bit easier to add. sims 4 has a “quirk” system for celebrities where certain actions can trigger your famous sims to develop new traits. 

i think the best example of how you could use this to make, for example, mental illnesses is the “emotion bomb” quirk. famous sims develop it after experiencing intense anger or sadness, and it basically makes them experience that emotion much more intensely. that’s already a symptom of a mental illness called bpd! so what if something like repeatedly being mean to a child sim had a 0.1% chance of causing them to develop bpd? or if having a powerful sad or tense moodlet had a 0.1% chance of causing them to develop depression? 

(side note: i can really easily picture something similar to the “dark form” for ts4 vampires being used for dissociative identity disorder. genetics would be consistent across all personality states, but they could have different traits and voices and clothing,)

certain conditions could also be present at birth, like autism or adhd. i actually have custom traits for these; they’re not perfect, but if you want to google them they might be a good reference. one little thing that i think would be neat is if autistic sims had idle “stimming” animations, like flapping their hands or spinning in a circle. the biggest problem, though, is that autism and adhd are highly variable and i’m not sure how to make it so that not all autistic sims have the same behaviors.

allergies i guess would have to have some sort of severity scale, and be triggered by a sim eating a certain food or petting a certain animal. i’d want the likelihood of a sim developing a particular allergy to be pretty low, but that’s just me lol. maybe sims with allergies could keep meds on hand to deal with the worst of their attacks?

actually, the allergies thing reminds me--diabetic sims! depending on which type, a sim could either be born with it or contract it later in life. i’m not totally familiar with how insulin works, but a sim could have a pump equipped to mitigate their symptoms, or take regular injections.

i have a custom trait in my game for chronically ill sims, which basically makes their energy deplete faster and sometimes gives them moodlets with little blurbs about their illness. this seems like a pretty good system for chronic illnesses, but obv it would vary a lot by which illness your sim has--eg, would you actually animate a sim with ehlers-dahnlos popping a joint out of their socket, or would you just give them an uncomfortable moodlet? in particular, though, i think the mechanic that makes elder sims unable to do most exercise would be great for sims with dysautonomia. 

also, i’ve mentioned some assistive devices already, but i think figuring out how treatment works would be a big deal. do sims have single-payer healthcare, or do they have to pay for everything themselves? can sims crowdfund their medicine? what kind of treatments/cures are available? are their side effects? some conditions don’t have cures irl, but maybe a sim can pay like $30k to a witch to make their fibromyalgia go away!

this is almost definitely more info than you wanted and i’m kinda embarrassed i wrote this much, but uh... here you go, a mostly stream-of-consciousness essay on disabilities in the sims! god i hope it’s readable

[fliicke]

Okay, prompts for a fellow writer: 1. Angel and Demon, with Ushiten. 2. Eating Habits, with whoever you desire. 3. “Ugly things can be beautiful in the right light.” And lastly, number 4: Painting. (Sorry if this was too much but I saw you were asking so I wanted to help a fellow writer out lol)

hey sorry for the late reply, but thank you soso much for the prompts!<3

i love the idea of these a lot! i decided to write a little something for the last one because artist akaashi is something i’ve been thinking about forever :”D

this got a little longer than i planned but it helped my own block a little so!

“I’m home, ‘kaashi!” Bokuto announces as he cracks open the door to Keiji’s room.

Keiji warns him before Bokuto can step into the room, “Drawings on the floor.”

He probably doesn’t need to warn Bokuto at this point. Being roommates for a number of months now, Bokuto has burst into Keiji’s room and ruined enough paintings that he practically tiptoes around Keiji’s room even if he isn’t painting.

Still, Keiji takes the extra precaution, both for his own sanity and for Bokuto’s sake. 

The last time Bokuto accidentally tripped and destroyed a canvas Keiji was working on, Bokuto spent the next two weeks desperately trying to make it up to him, even after Keiji said it was fine.

Bokuto awkwardly shuffles into the room and stands stiffly in a clean corner of the painter’s tarp that covers the floor, too wary to move around the room.

“What’cha working on?” he asks, pep still ringing in his voice all the same.

Keiji moves away from the canvas he’s been sitting in front of for the past couple of hours, allowing Bokuto to get a view of the painting.

It’s a fairly sloppy half-finished painting of a cat’s face. It’s only for practice and Keiji doesn’t expect it to look amazing, but Bokuto’s face lights up.

“What a cute puppy!” Bokuto chirps.

He’s well-meaning, of course. Keiji probably would have been a little offended if it was anyone else telling him that, but he knows Bokuto’s complimenting him despite his mistake.

“It’s a cat, actually. But thank you, Bokuto,” Keiji dips his head in a polite nod.

Even after moving in together, Keiji can’t help his polite attitude, even when Bokuto insists that he can loosen up since they’re not in high school anymore.

It took about two months of living together just for Keiji to stop calling him Bokuto-san, so Keiji figures it’s only a matter of time.

“Oh,” Bokuto blinks, giving an apologetic look. “Sorry.”

Keiji shakes his head and gestures for Bokuto to come over to get a better look at it.

Bokuto clumsily navigates the messy room, delicately stepping over drying paintings and reference images. As he approaches closer to Keiji, Keiji holds his hand out to help Bokuto keep his balance.

Bokuto looks over the painting, and his grin widens.

“It looks so good, Akaashi. You really are so talented, I don’t know how you do stuff like this.”

Keiji breathes a slight chuckle.

“Just lots of practice. Thank you.”

“Have you eaten yet today?” Bokuto asks. “Taken breaks?”

“I could use one now,” Keiji admits.

They eat lunch together, chatting about how Bokuto’s day has gone, how Keiji’s painting is going, what to do for the upcoming weekend.

“It’s kinda been a while since we’ve spent a lot of time together,” Bokuto sheepishly points out, picking at his food. “What have you been up to?”

Their schedules line up well during the week, but both are usually too busy to really hang out much. Keiji’s usually locked away in his room painting, and Bokuto has college work to do.

On the occasion, they have nights were Keiji helps Bokuto study or Bokuto studies in Keiji’s room while he paints in comfortable silence, but those nights seem to have become more and more seldom as the year went on.

Keiji sits back in the bar stool, running his hand through his hair.

“I’m in a bit of a rut right now. I’ve been trying to work on some smaller practice pieces to cure it, but I can’t seem to make a finished piece that I’m satisfied with.”

Bokuto talks through a mouth full of food as he muses, “Everything you make is so pretty, though! The last time you had a block, you did some experimental non-work pieces that you had fun with. Maybe you could do that again?”

“Hmmm,” Keiji breathes, readjusting his glasses. “Bokuto, would you let me paint you?”

Bokuto seems to briefly choke on his food as he coughs a few times.

“Wait, really?!” he beams excitedly. “I’d love that!”

Keiji smiles fondly, standing up. “I actually got hit with a bit of inspiration. Let’s go right now.”

Bokuto bounces up, and Keiji thinks if he was a dog, his tail would be wagging a mile a minute.

Bokuto, for the most part, is a pretty good model.

He tries his best to stay still and keep a neutral face for the painting, but he keeps bouncing his leg and his grin keeps creeping onto his face.

It’s not horribly distracting and doesn’t make painting him hard or anything, but he keeps apologizing when he catches himself.

So Keiji reminds him, “Bokuto, just relax. Do that, and it’ll be easier for both of us.”

After about an hour, Keiji steps back to examine his work.

Inspiration pushed his motivation and he was surprisingly able to get quite a bit done in the short amount of time.

It’s still unfinished, but Bokuto’s face and signature hair is recognizable in the painting.

He’s still on the fence about the painting, though, so he turns to Bokuto, who sits quietly, maybe the calmest Keiji’s ever seen him.

“What do you think so far, Bokuto?” Keiji asks, tipping his head toward the canvas.

Bokuto looks over it, no longer able to hold back his grin.

“It looks so good. You’re such an amazing artist, Akaashi. I wish I could do something this creative.”

“I can teach you over the weekend,” Keiji offers, and Bokuto lights up.

“What do you think of it, ‘kaashi?” Bokuto asks, rocking idly in his seat.

“Hmmm,” Keiji glances between Bokuto and the painting. “It’s still definitely a work in progress, but I think it’s going somewhere.”

“No, not compared to me,” Bokuto says, standing up from the stool. “I mean, as its own painting.”

Keiji looks over his unfinished work again quietly.

It’s not a bad piece so far. The edges are still rough and as a whole, the painting is still clearly unfinished.

The problem is that Keiji doesn’t really think he can capture Bokuto’s... essence on a canvas. Bokuto is so wildly himself, and that just doesn’t bleed through with paint.

“More color, maybe...” Keiji mumbles to himself.

Bokuto smiles out of the corner of Keiji’s eye,but he’s too focused to acknowledge it.

He gets to work without another word, painting black around the edges of Bokuto’s face. He uses white to give the painting a line-less, minimal look to it before accenting it with flecks of gold in Bokuto’s hair, eyes, and the background.

He doesn’t glance over at Bokuto at all in the time he colors it, completely focused on the canvas in front of him. For a moment, he even forgets that Bokuto is there.

Another hour passes and he finishes, sitting back to look at his work.

It’s not nearly as intense as he pictured it in his mind, but he figures he can edit it later. It’s a lot closer to what he imagined it, for sure.

He glances at Bokuto curiously, and finds Bokuto completely enraptured by the painting.

“Woah, Akaashi. Is that how you see me?” Bokuto beams.

Keiji rolls his eyes playfully, shy smile tugging at the corners of his mouth, cheeks heating up a little.

Bokuto stands up, stretching his arms over his head.

“You are seriously the best. I’m gonna brag to Kuroo about this,” he smirks, looking over the painting.

“Thank you for letting me paint you. I actually had a lot of fun.”

Bokuto chuckles softly. “Yeah, it looked like it! You were so focused, it was so cool watching you work.”

Keiji scratches the back of his neck sheepishly.

“I’m just glad it came out well.”

“Of course it did! C’mon, let’s go grab some dinner. You’ve been working for a while now!” Bokuto offers. “Let’s go out somewhere!”

He leaves the room carefully, but continues to ramble about where they should eat.

Keiji takes one more glance at his painting before following.

His art block seems to have been cured after all, he thinks with a smile.

[surveysonfleek]

697.

5000 Question Survey Pt. 44 4201. Has your life lacked a miracle? i mean... not really. it’s my fault for not having the greatest motivation. 4202. Would you shoot a terrorist? if i had a gun and they were attacking people, then yes. otherwise i’d call the cops first. 4203. Were you an unlovely child? probably the opposite, i was very loud and talkative as a kid. 4204. In the recent Michael Jackson documentary was he treated fairly? haven’t seen any mj docs in years tbh. 4205. New York City and other places along the East Coast have recently been said to be the next terrorist targets. What do you think about this? this is a really old survey, so i’m taking this with a grain of salt.

4206. What should the last question in this survey be? not sure lol. 4207. Are you more likely to think so deeply about things that you forget to take out the garbage OR be wrapped up in your life and forget to think deeply about things? the first one. 4208. In what ways are you destructive? that i’m not thinking about the future enough. 4209. If you're not with the one you love can you love the one you're with? for me, no. 4210. Why is it that when you hang upside down the blood rushes to your head but when you stand up the blood doesn't rush to your feet? i actually have no idea. 4211. Do you demand a better future? sure. 4212. Does it make you uncomfortable to meet a person with a handicap or deformity (retarded, deaf, lacking a limb, etc.)? no? why would it. 4213. What did you think of the movie Vanilla Sky? never seen it. 4214. What is your favorite thing to dip into fondue? depends on what kind of fondue.  4215. Are you moe like Wayne or Garth? neither. 4216. SNL or Mad TV? neither. 4217. Best three REM songs: i can only name two tbh. 4218. Name something you do that might be considered eccentric: i’ve been into this paint by sticker thing lately. time consuming but fun lol. 4219. Are you hard or easy to love? pretty easy i’d like to think. 4220. Could you be the next american idol? no because 1. i cant sing and 2. i’m not american. 4221. If you were going on american idol what would you: wear? n/a sing? 4222. Is Simon Cowell sexy or does he suck? he is definitely not sexy to me lol. 4223. What was the last thing you used a credit card for? a christmas present lol. 4224. Do you like back or foot massages more? back. 4225. If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow why oh why can't I? ok. 4226. Why do teachers always want blue or black ink? well tbh i’d hate it if i had to read papers written in red or something light. 4227. What do you keep your change in? my wallet. 4228. Do you read playgirl or playboy for the articles? no. 4229. Are you old fashioned? In what ways? not at all. 4230. If you were going to get a mentor who would your top three choices be (out of everyone alive)? casey neistat, rihanna and oprah. 4231. Would you rather visit France or Thailand? i’ve been to france so probably thailand. 4232. You love your partner but they are a slob. They aren't likly to change. Your thoughts: i honestly cannot bear to live with a slob, so i’d have to talk to them about my concerns and get them to change their ways or i’ll probably just snap and leave them. 4233. Is anything brainwashing people? probably. How/in what ways? the media in general, being picky with what and how they portray world issues. 4234. If you were a sex psitols song which one would you be (some choices in case you aren't familiar with them: Holiday in the Sun, Bodies, No Feelings, Liar, Problems, Seventeen, Pretty Vacant, New York, E.M.I.)? i don’t know any of their songs. 4235. Are you more likely to drink moderately and often or drink within an inch of your life but only once in a while? i only really ever drink to get drunk. so not often at all. 4236. What scares you most about war? how it’ll affect my family and friends around the world. 4237. You find a man with wings (an angel?) half dead in your back yard. the first thing you do is: if someone’s home with me i’d get them asap. or i’d at least take a pic/video from afar then probably call the cops lol. i’d be too scared to check up on them myself. 4238. Why do people go to faith healers when there is so much proof that they are fake? some people just need a little hope sometimes. it’s just unfortunate that these fakes take advantage of them and take their money. 4239. When someone you care about is really angry with you how do you feel and how do you deal with that feeling? i feel pretty shitty. if it’s my fault i’ll do my best to make it up to them. 4240. There's a guy who sometimes get violent with his wife. He will scream 'I LOVE you!' While he hurts her. Do you think there could be any love there? hell no, i don’t think anyone should hurt someone they love... 4241. Name at least three things that make you want to cry. idk. 4242. Is John Malkovitch sexy? Is Billy Corgan? no to all. Is Michael Stipe? Is Moby? Is Sinead O'Connor? 4243. Imagine there's a lepper and he wants to be cured but instead of going away his sores sprout sunflowers? Would that be a miracle? Would that tell you anything about anything? i’d be freaked out. 4244. Do you watch people? sometimes. 4245. Do you have anything that doesn't belong to you? yes. 4246. what is normal? whatever you think it is. 4247. You are given your own private island. What would you name it, and who is allowed to live there with you? i’d name it after me and only my family, boyfriend and friends are allowed to live there lol. 4248. How can you prevent war? i don’t think i can tbh. How can we all prevent it? write to the government. 4249. If something is wrong in society and you don't like it butr you do nothing about it, i a way aren't you supporting it? no, i feel like supporting it is more about agreeing and spreading the word about it. 4250. Do you like Leslie Nielson? idk them. 4251. If you could make a new toothpaste flavor what would it be? apple. 4252, Have you ever called the police or the fire department? yes. Why and what happened? called the cops once coz there was a huge fight in broad daylight, called the fire department because i was driving home from work one night and a random tree was ablaze. 4253. What's more important, freedom or security and why? for me, security. i don’t really like facing the unknown without security. 4254. Who pays most of the taxes, rich people, or average people or poor people? everyone is basically paying the same cut. Who should pay the most? politicians lol. 4255. You are on the weakest link with these contestants: a monkey, Simon Coswell, Hayden Christensen, Cher, a guy in a teenage mutant ninja turtle costume and GW Bush. Who do you vote off as the weakest link and why? the monkey because it’s not human. 4256. Do you like: mint skittles? never tried. mint ice cream? sometimes. junior mints? never tried. 4257. Does protesting/demonstrating really have any effect? yes. it spreads the word and gives people a platform to protest something they are passionate about. 4258. After the world demonstrated against war with Iraq, Saddam was quoted as saying america was 'weak and isolated'. Do you believe this is so? i don’t know... i don’t know enough to comment. 4259. Have you ever wanted to be with someone who was off limits? no. 4260. Have you ever wanted someone so badly that you would kiss your hand imagining it was them? haha no. 4261. Are there any situations when cheating on someone is okay? only if you had some sort of agreement with your partner to be in an open relationship but then again it wouldn’t be classified as ‘cheating’. so idk. 4262. When you feel empty inside what do you fill yourself up with? Where does it come from? sleep. 4263. Would you rather be loved or desired? loved. 4264. When you remember something do you remember yourself to be more or less graceful/positive/smooth than you actually were? none? 4265. How can you tell the days of the week apart without using a calander? Are your days really different or all the same? just by comparing it with the dates and days of this week. 4266. Who started punk rock? idk. Who started goth? Who started hip hop? 4267. What 3 things about you have shaped your life the most? my family and upbringing, my boyfriend and my education. 4268. Is your mind awake? yes. Is your soul? yes. Were they always? i guess so. If not, can you remember a moment or a few moments that helped you wake up? 4269. Have you ever misperceived what was going on only to discover it when it was too late? not that i can think of. 4270. Do you understand the human heart? no. 4271. How important is your weight? How important is your partner's weight? important. and not super important for my partner, as long as they’re healthy. 4272. What color is the wind? nothing. 4273. Do you believe children or adults know more? adults for the most part. 4274. Do you believe you are crazy? no. 4275. Did you predict the ending to Joe Millionaire? Is there something you care about less than you care about Joe Millionaire? don’t remember. 4276. Snow blower or shovel? neither because it doesn’t snow here. 4277. List everything you ate in the last 24 hours? tuna, crackers, nutella sandwich, chicken, broccoli and rice. 4278. Have you ever plagerized? no. If yes, what and why? did you get caught? **** No one could act in that daredevil movie. The script sucked as well. This is not a question. **** 4279. Who specifically annoys you? my boyfriend. 4280. What is your favorite blanket like? i don’t really have a favourite. 4281. How do you feel about teachers coming on to their students? Students coming on to their teachers? both wrong. 4282. In what ways do you keep yourself entertained? youtube, netflix, surveys, reading. 4283. Entertainers (musicians, sports players) are the highest paid people in america. Why are we so obsessed with being entertained? it’s just part of society. 4284. Do you want a perfect body? i wish. 4285. Do you want a perfect soul? no. 4286. Which do you want more? body. 4287. Do you want people to notice when you're not around? huh? 4288. Are you more of a creep, a wierdo or special? none. 4289. Who wrote the bible? the disciples. 4290. Who wrote the book of love? what is the book of love? 4291. Who put the bomp in the bomp ba bomp ba bomp? idk. 4292. Who rocks the party that rocks the party? idk. 4293. If you could pick 5 things to study with no limits what 5 things would you pick? space, i.t., history, geography and science. 4294. Do you study any of them on your own? no. 4295. What's more important, learning or getting the hell out? learning. 4296. What is your favorite highlighter color? purple. 4297. Give everyone some advice: be the best version of yourself. 4298. Are you practically perfect in every way? no. 4299. Are you nasty and tricksy? no. 4300. Where is the precious? idk.

[seokjins]

wings vcr theory ???? aka what is happening

wow ok so i thought that people connecting every era of bts M/V’s were maybe looking into it too much (and as a lit student like. i know what it means to close read) but via this vid (@jinjjarevil on twitter) apparently I WAS WRONG and here is the reason why

1) the return of jin & the flower petals

as we are all familiar: the general consensus is that the 6 flower petals represent the rest of bts’ members (re: everyone EXCEPT jin), and it’s often agreed upon that he’s “filming” the boys because 1) he’s dead and dreaming them up or 2) he’s recalling all his memories with them or 3) the boys are dead and he’s the only one alive or 4) tbh pick ur poison i’m not gonna make this post a breeding ground for HYYH theory discourse, but i’m down to talk elsewhere !!!!

this part isn’t particularly groundbreaking, but it’s the first direct link to the young forever M/Vs

HOWEVER !!!!the difference arrives when the shot cuts to what jin is filming; it seems that there are seven people in frame? (this is at 0:52 in the video)

which leads me to believe that, because WINGS is a continuation of young forever, it makes sense that jin manages to find his way back to the boys - something that connects itself to a bs&t theory i have. the general rundown of my interp is the (6) members are literally works of art in the museum, and when jin starts to “crack” at the end of the M/V, it’s because he joins them as an art piece; they’ve drawn him in (kissing tae’s statue, the hands over his eyes, tae covering up jin’s face with his hands, jin stopping to stare at the painting near the beginning) and this is how jin ends up joining the rest of the group

2) the focus shot of jungkook

again, parallels to run, where there’s a solo part that’s just him staring into the cam (once after his fight with yoongi, again at the end of the M/V). he’s staring into jin’s camera and, subsequently, at jin himself - likely wondering 1) why he isn’t with the rest of the group or 2) who he is/what he’s doing

from a cinematographic point of view, this is probably just a cool transition shot, since the members all need their solo screentime + the cuts won’t be too sudden, but i like the repeating themes they’ve been using :0

3) taehyung's wings

in the beginning of the video, taehyung is seen matching himself up to a pair of wings in a box behind him. the glass to his left side says “YOUTH”

the main thing to note here is that the feathers are white, compared to the thousands of other shots of tae with black wings (M/V, trailers, teasers, you name it). once he breaks the box to access them (AKA shattering youth or the illusion thereof), taehyung strips away his innocence - similar to when he killed his father “i need you”

white is a color that often symbolizes purity/chastity while black is. well. has evil and sinister connotations, as well as a demonic undertone, if you want to get biblical (hold onto this thought now; it’ll return with my jimin analysis), so it makes sense they’d use this color palette with taehyung’s storyline

4) hoseok’s wings

hoseok is seen eating his snicker bar (lov my man omfg), but after he takes a bite, the wall behinds him shatters into color. in the first round, the camera pulls tighter in on him and the word “placebo” can be seen clearly behind hobi

i think this directly references the placebo effect, in which one’s condition improves/degrades depending on your mindset of your illness. in both eras, HYYH and wings short films, hoseok is often depicted dealing with drugs, pills, and medication. he and jimin are even seen in a hospital together (again, spanning both timelines), which leads me to believe that he’s using prescriptions to deal with the fact he’s suffering from something meds can’t cure. what is it? that’s a great question i only have vague answers to. it could be the fact that he’s missing his friends/bts family? is (still) suicidal? trying to cope with their loss? his condition has worsened after losing jimin, which is why he is in a max safety cell with all those pills pouring in through the walls? listen, who knows? i sure don’t, but i can definitely talk about the next shot!!!!!!!!!!! right afterwards, hoseok also gains a pair of wings, but notice they’re different than taehyung’s

these are his BME wings (they show up in his intro, u can go check it out if you want). his corrupted wings. his Bad Wings. and they come from the crossover of boy and evil.

boy = youth = wings MEETS evil = dark/cool toned colors (evil) = bony (feather) structure

^ is why his wings look the way they do (thank u @ opening shot of taehyung’s YOUTH/wing box haha)

5) progression of their lives/jimin’s solo shot

there are five (?) consecutive scenes with all the boys goofing off together. the vid quality’s pretty low so i can’t tell who is who, but it seems like they’re all just chilling. hanging out. being bros. etc. so i’m lead to believe the first three “windows” of light (bc each scene is separated by a long black column) are before any bts M/V timeline. then you have jihope in a hospital/nondescript room together - directly related to run and jimin’s wings short - in opposite beds, being playful like their pillow fight in run.

last there is the truck with all 6 of the boys in the trunk from run

these shots lead up to jimin in his blindfold, holding an apple in his hand (seen clearer in the actual vid)

this is his costume from bs&t/his solo stuff/is part of “lie’s” concept. the blindfold could mean many things, so i’ll focus on the apple for now. in his promo shots, he’s surrounded by many apples, something i was always confused about, BUT I AM NO LONGER !!don’t worry!!!

as bts has said multiple times, bs&t is about boys who fall to temptation, and what better symbol of temptation than eve in the garden of eden - the first woman who is unable to resist the forbidden fruit? DAMN THAT’S RIGHT !!!!!!! you can have him holding an apple - the figurehead of eve failing to resist her temptations and, therefore, the way jimin/bts fails to resist their temptations. this is why jimin’s holding the fruit in all his shots lol. it’s because he’s already picked the apple off the tree & “fallen” prey to his desires

6) Bangtan and the Curious Case of Looking Up

at the end of the video, right after jimin takes off his blindfold, the VCR cuts to bts all looking up at the sky, faces illuminated. this is likely a symbol that they literally “see the light” - a popular term that means someone has died and is crossing over to the other side/heaven/the afterlife. this makes sense, because of the HYYH theories imply everyone is dead or ends up dying (since young forever implies bts meets up in heaven)

the thing that sets this apart for me is the fact that EVERYONE BUT JIN IS LOOKING UP @ THE SKY. jin is the first member to get focus during this scene; he’s just standing there staring straight at the camera, a motif that showcases their character is detached from the rest of the members in bts’ M/Vs. it’s like they’re not quite there, even though one member may appear alongside everyone else (jin & jungkook in HYYH).

here: jin’s seen looking side to side, even a little upwards, but never completely like the rest of the members

besides his dashing good looks and impeccable suit taste, jin seems worried. he seems to be obviously, obviously worried. however, the other members don’t have this expression on their faces; they’re at varying levels of peace or happiness or excitement when they each get their solo cut (i’m not gonna put 6 pics after jin’s bc that would just take too much room due to tumblr’s poor image spacing rules rip, but they’re all in a thread in that link credit up top)

jin looks like he’s confused and baffled and searching for something (or someones ;;)))) amiright or amiright) during this scene - a motif that corresponds with the HYYH/my bs&t theory of jin being alone in some way, shape, or form

“WAIT” you say “BUT JIN DOES LOOKS UP AT THE END !!1!11!1!!!” you say

“yes my friend !!” i say

you are absolutely right. he is eventually seen looking up into the light like the other boys. however there are two things of things to notice: first is that he’s never looking up completely (comparison below)

and right as he fades into the background - he starts lowering his head (it’s easier to see this when the actual video is playing) back down to the camera - his expression still troubled. again, this shows he’s still separated from the rest of bts, even though he seemed to be very close to joining them.

so maybe he’s still dead. maybe he’s still trapped and he’s looking for a way out and his distress comes from knowing his members are going Somewhere Without Him, but i guess what happens next is on bts.....

i hope they keep going with this storyline; i’d love to see where it goes :0

[sporadiccrafting]

Book Purse Project:

Inspired by all of the various book purses going around.

Pinboard here 

Using a hardback pride and prejudice book to make an over the shoulder purse with zipper closure and cloth lining. 

Plans:

Since I really don’t know what I am doing here I decided to make a mockup using a book that was headed to the trash.

First I removed all the pages: I tried cutting out pages using both a craft knife and dremmel but they wouldn’t make clean cuts and the result was messy and very slow as it only takes a few pages out at a time. I then decided that it makes the most sense to carefully pry entire glued page bundle away from spine. For the final project I think it will be useful to measure the width of the page block before cutting out so that I know how wide to make the zipper.

Unlike the pride and prejudice and book this book has a dust jacket on it – however this is also sort of a mock up for another similar book project I have planned where I want to turn the Great Gatsby (which does have a dust jacket) into a small jewelry box – so I decided to leave the dust jacket on to mock up for that project.

To attach the dust jacket to the book. After some experimenting I determined I liked the look the best if I don’t try to follow every bump and crease of the spine. The best way I found to attach this was to keep the book open (so that there will be enough jacket to allow for the partially opened book purse) and use the natural creases where the dust jacket curves over the edge of the book as a guide for gluing – keeping an eye that you don’t give too much or too little slack for the book to open/close. The best way is probably to glue the spine (flat part only) first and work outwards (avoiding the small dips and curves where the spine meets the side). When I was doing this I left the part of the dust jacket that was on the inside of the book intact but once I started gluing cloth to the inside of the book I decided it would have been better to cut off the corners as much as I could as too limit the amount of dust jacket at the edge of the book so that the cloth could be glued directly (with a stronger glue) to the book inside – instead of having to be glued to the dust jacket which was mod podged to the book. That way the join would be stronger.

Then using the following pattern to I made the lining, adding pockets as desired. This pocket was made too high to hold a phone so I will need to make sure that I place the pocket lower in the final version. Also, in hindsight, I should have ironed the fabric before I sewed it and as needed as I hemmed it; but this is probably the 1st thing I have ever legitimately sewn so I really had no clue what I was doing.

A piece of cardboard (taken from a used up legal pad backing) was cut to the size of the spine and glued first to the lining and then to the spine of the book. Probably using mod podge – but due to my glue test I am most likely going to use E6000 for most of the gluing in my final project.

In the final project I plan to cut out cardboard to match the sides as well as well as only gluing them to the fabric at first (and ironing beforehand!) and saving gluing them to the spine and sides for later. However I will need to leave some space on the corners for the hardware straps (more on that later) where fabric isn’t glued down.

I couldn’t quite make a decision about how I wanted to attach the straps to the purse so I decided to try one on each side and then make a decision. The 1st option was gluing a cloth loop with a metal ring between the book and the zipper. However I wasn’t sure how sturdy that would be since the person I am making this for is likely to actually use this as a purse so I thought something more hardware-y would be better. So, the 2nd option was using a d-ring used for picture hanging and screwing it onto the outside of the book. The downside of this option is that it is more obvious and might look unappealing.

So, I used my dremmel (because I don’t have an electric drill – I need to steal my dad’s one day) to drill a hole into the book – positioning it so that the ring sits flush with the end of the book. I then screwed in place and secured it with a nut at the back.

On my final project I will need to drill a hole through the cardboard backing as well – making sure everything is lining up well.

For the 1st option I sewed a simple loop, placed a metal ring inside it and glued it down using E6000 (my new best friend honestly).

The next step was to sew bias tape on to the zipper. So, after I figured out what a zipper foot was I attempted to do that. For the mockup I didn’t have a long enough zipper but for the final project I will use a zipper that is long enough to go around all 3 open edges of the book and then cut two matching pieces of bias tape that were about 3 – 4 inches longer than the zipper (or long enough to wrap around the book and go  up the inside of the spine.  Then ironed out the crease on one side of each piece of bias tape (this may not be necessary depending on the width of the gap – more on this in a second). I then placed the folded edge of the bias tape, right side up, as close as I could to the teeth of the zipper without them getting in the way and top stitch it down. 

I still don’t know exactly what I was doing and I think there is something wrong with the tension in my machine? I literally haven’t sewn before I’m not sure what is going on. But anyway. I ended up with a slightly wavy zipper and I’m not sure what that’s about either and if its related to the possible tension problem. But its not that bad so I’m soldiering on.

After the bias tape was sewn on to both sides of the zipper I then ironed a new crease on both sides. I wanted the space between these new creases to equal the width of the pages. In my case this matched up nicely with the width of the zipper so I just ironed them under the zipper.

Now its time to attach the zipper. To figure out the zipper placement I just start playing with it – I want a slight lip above the zipper (that is I want it to sit slightly recessed into the book – like pages would – especially on the ‘top’ of the book. But I don’t want to reveal any changes that are the inside of the book (dust jacket text, end pages starting). Basically I eyeball it – lining up my seam with where I want it to go and then make a mark on the inside of the book (this is going to get covered up later) where the bias tape ends so I can easily match it up. I want to make sure that the zipper is centered as well so I measure the center of the book and the center of the zipper and make marks on each to match up as well. On the side that had a screw sticking out I also cut out a small hole for it to fit through.  

To begin gluing I started with the top of purse/side of book side using a cheap brush to paint the glue down (probably good idea to have a cup of water to dip your brush in as you do this so the glue doesn’t gunk up the brush too fast) and pressing the right side of the zipper down, being sure to smooth as I go but not jostle the fabric. Tilting my zipper up at the crease as I worked making sure to align the crease with where you wanted it and not to get any glue past the crease or too far to the edge of the book.  

Slightly before I reached the edge/corner of the book I stopped gluing. (To be super accurate I could stop here and wait for the glue to cure before I do anything …but this would take too long to do since there are 4 pairs of corners to be done so… I let it sit for a little to harden up and then move on lol). The next thing I did was make a small slice, stopping before I got the crease, to assist with making crisp corners.

Then I basically repeated the process that I just did. Free handing the position of the zipper so that the corners sat nice and the seam lined up where I wanted and then made marks to help me place it and then glued it down. Because I had already glued down the spine on the mockup I didn’t bring the bias tape back but on the final project I will need to repeat the process one more time – making sure to glue the bias tape to the spine as well.

I then had to repeat the process for the other side of the zipper. This is going to be harder with zippers that don’t fully split from themselves but letting the glue fully cure on one side before moving to the other should help. The zipper gets a little stuck on my mock up and I am not sure it’s because the sides don’t match up enough.  Unfortunately there isn’t much for me to do about that if that is the case as it would be near impossible to attach the zipper while it’s closed.

At this point I then glued down the fabric to the book. At first I tried mod podge but the hold just was too weak. I then tried E6000 and applied it with a scrap piece of cardboard instead of a brush, which mostly solved the texture problem that made me not use it for this in the first place. I smoothed out as I went trying to avoid any wrinkles.

In my final project I will be gluing the fabric down to the cardboard in this manner earlier and at this point will be gluing that cardboard to the book. I think this will be easier as I plan on using a two way zipper that doesn’t fully separate so I will have less room to attach the fabric as I did in this mock up.

At this point in my final project I will also be gluing down the remaining fabric over the hardware and adding glue to it to secure it extra.

 This is where I stopped with my mock up but for my final project I am going to cut a length of chain – measuring so that the book sits at a good height when worn cross body – and attach that to some large lobster clasps that will attach to the ring on the purse. I am then going to run some ribbon through the chain.

And then hopefully I end up with a book purse!

[fairygothmothercat]

Cancer and depression and my life

I have not been speaking openly about it on social media. Though I might as well here since very few people actually follow me anyways. Tumbler has turned into my vent and rant place basically because no one ever responds or says anything about my Tumbler posts lol. Facebook is a whole different creature. We all know someone who has or is battling cancer. It effects many people. My grandfather battles Leukemia right now. My mom had it, my grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts and uncles and some friends I have known or their family. So it was a matter of time when it would strike closer and well as my mom before me and her mother and grandmother I am susceptible to many of the cancers that our female family members have survived or succumbed to. Breast, cervical/uterine, colon cancer are all things that have been a fight. My grandmother on my moms side is a 2 time survivor of colon cancer. My other grandmother from my dads side passed away in 2009 after her battle with lung cancer. She had technically beat it or it was in remission but the chemo had wiped her immune system out and a infection took her from us. Its still one of the most painful losses in my life as I was very close to her and as someone with very few I trust or love and could talk to it left quite the hole in my life. My first fight is now with Cervical and uterine cancer. It has been found in its early stage and as far as the Drs see its pretty localized and operable. It could be more spread like my mothers but hers still was operable by hysterectomy which is removal of the uterus and cervix. In my case they are not opting to remove the entire organ unless they see anything that prompts them to or complications arise. I will be having most the cervix removed and part of the lower part or neck of the uterus. Honestly I rather have a hysterectomy. I can not have kids or want so theres no point in saving it but the Dr believes this should be sufficient for now. I will require regular examinations and biopsies to make sure it never returns or spreads. So the prognosis for now seems good and the piece of me being removed is not crucial for my survival so I do not have too many heavy worries. I just do not look forward to the pain, discomfort especially in the region being operated on. Of course I looked it up and watched it on youtube so I now know how brutal the procedure looks. I know people say you shouldn't do that but I like to know what to expect even if I am not conscious.I did not need to have a baby for my poor vagina to end up getting wrecked lol. Of al places though its not cool its there. Add to it cutting a month out of my life to recover in summer so no swimming or doing much of anything. I am grateful I moved to Germany so I could afford the healthcare I needed in order to have less worries when it came to these things and my health in general. I worry for my aging parents who stand to lose the healthcare they have thanks to the current government and their quest to make the rich richer at the expense of the poor and vulnerable. Though I do not want to get into politics here. I still just know I am fortunate to now have access to good healthcare and finally have been able to pursue the treatments I need for my chronic illness which has caused me bad sight, bad hearing and weight gain among other things. I was born with these things and until I was 18 I got treated for only one single thing through a special program but that was not enough and after I turned 18 I was left uninsured until I was 27/28 and got medicaid which was still pretty limited. Though now I go through my cancer treatment and I do not say much. I do not look for sympathy or attention. I been accused enough about seeking attention and shit like that. Other people can make a song and dance about stuff but I seem to be expected to deal with it on my own. Which is what I have always pretty much done all my life. I never pushed my burdens on other people in my family or friends. I rarely ask for help. My husband and a few people know of whats going on. I will get my treatment and spend much of my recovery alone which is ok. I am getting used to and starting to embrace my loneliness and isolation. I might be too honest or real for most people to handle anyways. My openness and genuine nature seems to put people off. It has widdled me down to being more reserved these days and more cynical and cautious even more nihilistic and pessimistic. I sometimes think if it were not for my mom, my husband and a few I can count on my hand that actually care I would have been ok to let the cancer take me away. I would not want to hurt anyone. Its not to say I do not have a desire to live. Sure I struggle with bipolar and depression but I do have many reasons and many things to live for. Its just sometimes dealing with the pain both physical and mental that are draining. I can have professional help and swallow pills but it is not the cure all. Recently a prominent outspoken youtuber Stevie Ryan who also suffered and spoke about mental illness just committed suicide. She was my age but she was healthy, beautiful and successful and still she lost the fight. It can be worrisome for me. I am a lonely mostly shut in person whos been rejected for various reasons. Hardly successful either and codependent. Twice divorced, survivor of childhood trauma, abuse, sexual assault. I have social anxiety, low self esteem and some confidence issues. It might seem when I am dressed up and covered in makeup that I am strong and confident but it is just the shell of a lonely, hurting girl who yearns for acceptance, love, health and happiness. Sometimes I find a glimmer of it and it keeps my hope and many other times I am mocked, rejected, stabbed in the back, accused of ridiculous things and excluded. When I have said anything of my struggles I get accused of looking for sympathy, attention and people who say they will be there or you can talk to simply vanish over a few posts talking about the struggle on facebook. Thats a recurrent thing. Its often those who say you can talk to us or come to us and post about these things to help friends and whatnot that usually seem to do the complete opposite. At least in my own experiences. They say go get a therapist. Well even if I had one the underlying issues contributing to my crisis just do not magically go away. I might be able to cope better drugged up but I been through therapy most my life and rehashed the same sad history and story of my life to several professionals. Its a bandaid. Its help yes but sometimes the real help is having people close that pay attention and can hopefully help prevent tragedy by recognizing the symptoms, behaviours and needs of the one suffering. Its likely Stevie even had a good support system in place but the loss of her grandfather while being depressed pushed her over. I been there.The loss of my grandmother led to a downward spiral and attempts to end it. I was hospitalized and then my divorce happened and I left and drifted around alone to escape the place of so much trauma, drama and pain and seek a new life and identity. I spent birthdays and Christmases alone without family or anyone and a crap short lived relationship had me seeking a final end to my suffering. Another mental hospital stint from overdosing and then more people leaving me because understandably they did not want to hurt so distancing themselves from me was their way of coping. I am now in Germany and well here I am. Trying to hold on to optimism and hope. I usually paint much rosier pictures on facebook and social media but the truth is I struggle and suffer and do my best to take each day at a time and be grateful and show it to those who show me kindness. I accept the fact not everyone will like, love or get on with me. Sometimes I wish they went about things better but thats just the way things go. some might call me a snowflake but I am more like a snowball. Alot of stuff packed up and then thrown to burst into pieces and then gathered back up and sometimes theres less and sometimes theres more but I feel like I get thrown around alot and smashed or melted and sometimes dirt, rocks and stuff ends up picked up along the way which makes me ugly and potentially hurt others if hit. I never seek or intend to hurt others. In fact I never done anything serious or bad to others. It usually comes down to simple misunderstandings of my intentions or meaning or some ignorance and simple mistake. I think most would be forgiven of these things but usually in my case one little mistake costs me friendships and I could apologize until blue in the face but its no use. Sorry for the long rant. so much on my mind and typing is easier than writing a diary. My rheumatoid arthritis makes writing these days a bit painful and difficult. I have few outlets to express myself as well. Tumbler might not be the best place but so far its proven to be one of the only few I can ramble on and it seems so far no one bothers, or responds so I can type walls of text and play my own therapist at times. Tomorrow I go in surgery. Was not the surgery I hoped for. I was hoping this time I would be having weight loss surgery but it is further delayed. Just another long rant for another time. Other than that I still kind of try hoping I will be able to continue on and that I can have a few of the simple things in life like some good friends and better health.

[surveyjunkie]

1. First of all, what do you prefer to be called? Tasha. 2. What is your favorite form of creative expression?  For me, it’s either blogging or painting. If I had any musical talent, it would be that. 3. How do you like your coffee OR if you don’t like it, why?: I take it with loads of flavored cream.  4. What is the least desirable thing, in your opinion, to put on a pizza that you have heard of people actually eating?: I guess anchovies...fish and pizza just don’t sound appetizing together. I’m also not big on putting chicken on pizza unless it’s chicken bacon ranch.  5. Would you rather witness the beginning or the end of the universe?: The beginning.

6. Describe your favourite pair of socks: They have the sailor moon bow on them. 

7. What is the current or last song you are listening/listened to, and does it have any special significance to you?: I don’t even remember what it was. I can’t find my headphones :(  8. Do you prefer rainbows or stars?: Stars 9. Describe the best day of your life NOT in terms of events, but in terms of your feelings: Elation.  10. Would you rather go to a planetarium or an aquarium?: Aquarium. 11. Do you know the reason that 11:11 is considered to be auspicious?: No idea.  12. What decorations are hanging on your walls?: At home? There’s a couple of paintings I made, a framed Margarita recipe, and my Bachelor’s degree.  13. What is your favourite planet in our solar system?: Earth 14. How do you express love?: More through actions than words because I suck at talking about emotions. << 15. Do you consider yourself to be more spiritual or scientific?: Spiritual I guess.  16. If you had a lava lamp, what color would you want it to be?: Teal 17. Would you rather be able to revisit your past to simply re-experience a positive moment or revisit your past in order to change things and risk the consequences?: Maybe just re-experience a positive moment. I’m weird about the idea of changing things that have happened in the past, even though I have strong regrets. I feel like things wouldn’t be how they are now if I hadn’t had the unique experiences of the past. Idk.  18. Have you ever had a past-life regression or memory?: I remember when I first got braces, I told my mom that the feeling of having them felt familiar, even though I’d never had them before in my life. That’s the only indication I’ve had so far that I may have led a past life.  19. What is your favourite holiday and why?: Christmas. Family and food. << And eggnog/booze 20. Are you better with remembering dates or names?: Dates. I’m terrible with names.  21. What was your favourite book that you had to read for a class?: 1984.  22. What is your favourite number and why is it significant to you?: 7. It signifies my 7th year of life and the 7th grade, which were both great times for me.

23. Would you rather explore space or the ocean?: Space.  24. What prompted you to call the last person you called?: I missed her call so was calling her back. 25. Star Trek or Star Wars?: Wars. 26. Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter?: LOTR. 27. What is your favourite band and why?: I have lots of favourites, because I can’t choose just one. << 28. What colour best resonates with your best friend(s)?: Navy blue or white.  29. Where do you work and why do you work there?: I work in the research office at the local hospital because they offered me a position that is relevant to my bachelor’s degree and will look extremely good on grad school applications.

30. Have you ever gone to a public karaoke facility, and what did you sing?: I’ve been to one, but I didn’t sing 31. What animal do you feel most connected with?: My dog. 32. Have you ever had “special brownies” or any other kind of “special” treat?: Yep, I didn’t care for them. I just prefer to smoke it.  33. What book are you reading at the moment?: None. 34. What is the funniest thing that you have done at a fast food restaurant? Probably when I fell asleep on my food when I was drunk.  35. Do you enjoy listening to music that is sung in another language?:

Yes, especially Spanish 36. Quote the last movie you watched: “Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, Beauty and the Beast” 37. Do you know more than just your sun sign (like your ascending sign or moon sign etc.)?: I’m not sure what that is 38. Do you have any jewelery on you that holds significance, and if so, what is it and why is it significant?: I have a couple of rings my mom bought for me on my birthday. One is a ruby ring which is my birthstone and the other has two small diamonds in it.  39. What is your favorite kind of cheesecake?: Peanut butter fudge 40. Why did you last feel warm and fuzzy inside?: Just cuddling with Josh.

41. What band that no longer performs together do you wish would have a reunion tour?: Pink Floyd.<< Yes. They came to my city back when I was in college and I was hoping my dad would take me, but he never did. I’m still salty as hell about it.  42. What band that IS still together do you wish would perform in your area?: Alt-J 43. Have you ever been in a band, and what role did you play in it?: Nope 44. What has been the single most frightening experience of your life?: I haven’t had anything too terrible. Most of them just involve minor car accidents, my car breaking down in the middle of the highway, or locking myself out of my apartment. They’re stressful scary things but I haven’t had anything that has caused trauma, which I’m thankful for.  45. Who is/was your favourite Spice Girl?: Baby Spice.  46. Do you prefer free verse or poetry set in a form?: It doesn’t matter to me 47. In a hotel, would you choose to go in the hot tub, the sauna, the workout room, or the pool?: The hot tub.  48. Imagine that you are exploring space. Who would you want with you and what would you want to explore, assuming you are not limited in any way?: I would want a bunch of trained astronauts with me. The idea of space freaks me out. <<  49. Have you ever astral projected?: Say what? 50. What is your favourite song by the group t.A.T.u?: Probably “All The Things She Said” because that’s the only other one I know besides “They’re Not Gonna Get Us”. 

51. Describe what you envision as “paradise”: Being on a boat in the middle of a lake with beer, a fishing pole, and good music. I think I may have been a redneck in another life, but I’m okay with that.  52. What element do you feel most connected to?: Water. 53. What is a cause that you feel very strongly about and why?: Keeping Planned Parenthood around. I just think low income women should have the same access to gynecological exams and life-saving procedures that rich women do. Defunding them is not going to stop abortion.  54. What was your favourite class from the last year that you were in school?: I really enjoyed Diversity and Health. I learned a lot about other cultures and how difficult access to healthcare is in other countries. I really think everybody should take that class.  55. What is a topic that you study independently for your own interest?: Politics or psychology, when I’m in the mood.  56. Describe what you would want to wear if you were getting married, handfasted, or having some kind of “love celebration” or “commitment” ceremony between yourself and another? A long white dress, probably lace with belled sleeves.  57. What song do you want played at your funeral?: "Tubthumping” by Chumbawumba.  58. Would you rather alphabetize or put things in order according to numbers?: Alphabetize 59. What medication do you dislike the most?: Antibiotics, they ruin my stomach.  60. Would you rather write a story or a poem?: Story. 61. Do you believe in non-physical entities, and if so have you ever communicated with one?: I don’t know if I do. I mean, I used to pray to God, but I’m not sure if that’s what you’re referring to.  62. What invention or discovery do you think that the scientific community should focus on?: I think they’re already focus on a lot of important priorities, like medical care, disease cure and treatment, etc. << Yeah. I work in medical research and I can tell you that we are extremely well funded. 

63. If you could go anywhere, where would you go and why?: Anywhere? I’d go explore the west coast because I’ve never been there in my 24 years as a U.S. citizen.  64. What skill do people often compliment you on?: I don’t know. I don’t have any skills.<< 65. What are three facets of your personality or thinking patterns that you want to improve?: Social anxiety, self-doubt, hastiness 66. What is your favourite symbol?: $$$ 67. Name an unusual shortcut or file that’s on your desktop: There’s nothing unusual on my desktop, unless you think my Doge background  is unusual, which if you do, FUCK YOU! Lol, just kidding. I don’t know.  68. What do you smell like right now?: Burberry Weekend 69. You get to have a theme party of your choice, just for fun. What theme do you choose?: 80′s! Even though it’s been done fifty billion times. I don’t care. 70. Have you ever been in the depths of a cave?: No 71. How do you deal with the dark side of yourself?: I listen to depressing music or watch fucked up movies.  72. Name something that you can’t help but save: Receipts.  73. What is your addiction?: Fries, pizza, online shopping 74. If you could wish something for three people, but not for yourself, who would the wishes be for and what would they be?: Health, happiness and money for everyone I love. << 75. Would you rather send a message in a bottle or on a balloon?: Balloon.  76. What did you dream last night?: I had a nightmare I was stabbed in the ghetto and ran to a guy in his car for help. I asked him to drive me to the hospital because I was bleeding a lot but he ended up taking me to the grocery store instead and made me wait for him to spend 10 minutes picking out fruit before he finally took me to the hospital.  77. What is one of your most frequent daydreams?: Quitting my job  78. What is your favourite stuffed animal?: My squirtle. 79. If you could have a conversation with any well-known figure of the past or present, who would it be and what would you want to talk about?: I really don’t know.  80. If you could bring anyone back to life, who would it be?: My uncle 81. Are you affectionate?: Yes 82. Name one thing that each of your best friends is really good at: Smoking pot.  83. What are you a perfectionist with?: Certain things at work.  84. Could you see yourself being able to carry on a long distance relationship?: I did it for 6 months. Granted, we were within driving distance, but it was still hard. 85. If you could be anything but human, including anything mythical, what would you be?: A unicorn.  86. Have you ever meditated? If so, what is your method, and if not, what do you do to relax?: I’ve done it a couple of times, it doesn’t really help. Usually breathing exercises and hot tea help.  87. What is something about yourself that you feel no one else understands?: I’m over analytical 

[violetsandloveletters]

A very long Q that’s taken a while to pass some time...

Do you actually love your grandpa? Grandad, of course, I love them both so much. Do you actually love your grandma? Nan & yes, again, I love & value them both so much, i’m very close to the grandparents on my mums side & honestly both my nan & grandad on that side are both my favourite people. Do you have Facebook? I do & I hate it, I only have it to see pics from my family in America & Spain tbh. What was the last thing you posted on someone’s wall? I wished someone a happy birthday but can’t remember who... Do you have MySpace? I did but haven’t used it in years, sucks that I lost all of my pictures on there. Loved that site tbh. What is your favorite kind of music? I love such a huge range of music tbh, like 80′s, Fall Out Boy, Arctic Monkeys, I listen to Motown when I clean... Honestly a bit of everything. Favorite soft drink? Pepsi Max is my everything quite honestly. Favorite food? Five Guys, chicken teriyaki from Yo Sushi! Krispy Kreme doughnuts, a decent cake- I love food so... Have you ever felt replaced? Of fucking course & it fucking sucks. Have you ever worn false eyelashes? I have & they are a bit of a pain. Do you ever regret making a friend? Yeah for sure. Can you cure mental illness? I don’t think you can cure it, learn to cope somewhat I yeah but I know for a fact that the shit I suffer with on a daily basis will never be cured nor will the trauma/shit just go away. Is God good? Athiest... Cats or dogs? I love both. I have a cat called Hades & would love a dog too someday. Do you play video games? Sims 4, I’ve loved Sims forever! Do you take medication for mental health? Yes I do. Can you really be racist to a white person? You can be racist to anyone... Do you have a favorite hair accessory? What does it look like? I’m boring so either a black scrunchie or the plastic spiral hairbands that don’t kink your hair & I have so many of them. What’s your favorite type of insect? Erm Dragonflies, caterpillars or bees. What’s your LEAST favorite type of insect? Maggots or spiders & moths are a love/hate. Who was the last person you Facebook messaged? What did you say? What’s his/her favorite food? My friend Skye, can’t remember & I loved with her for a while so I should know this but she’s part Italian & an amazing cook so anything she cooks for herself i’m sure. What was the last song you listened to? Does it mean anything to you? Apart from the stuff we have at work which I kinda shut off from unless it’s something decent, Billie Eilish ‘Ocean Eyes’, i’m in love with it. Have you ever slept in a water bed? Nope. How do you feel about having sex during your menstrual period? I mean if it’s not heavy it doesn’t bother me tbh, you just can’t do much fun stuff lol. Does your ex have a job? Yeah. Have you ever slept in a car? On car rides yeah, I think I have with an ex once before though when we were supposed to camp but it was cold. What was the last term of endearment you used (babe, hun, dear, etc)? No idea, babe? How often do you use Flickr? Not for like 10 years. Have you ever been on a blind date? No. Do you have a crush on the last person you texted? No. Have you ever got into an argument with the last person you kissed? No. Have you ever liked somebody who was nice to you, but horrible to everyone else? Not sure really. How’s your appetite atm? I’m not hungry, I feel like i’ve just been eating for the sake of it since being ill the other week. Out of all the conversations you’ve had recently, which one has made you smile or laugh the most? No idea, can’t think of once honestly. Do you look decent in your most recent photograph? No idea what it was. What is one vacation destination that many people think is just fabulous but which you personally have no desire to visit (or revisit)? Ooh tough question, somewhere like Turkey or Germany. If you were five years younger but knew everything at that age that you’ve actually learned over the last five years, what is one thing you would definitely do differently? Be stronger & don’t put up with any shit from anyone. What serves as the greatest motivation for you in your daily life? My cat & that is literally it & the chance to have a child I guess but Hades for sure. What activity that you have to do every once in a while that you dread the most? Travelling to my mums, she lives about 5 min drive away but I don’t drive & it takes like 40mins by bus or longer by train. When people hear what you do for a living, what is the most typical question or comment they give you regarding your job? Idk, they like the shop but I hate having to explain why i’m on lower hours because of my health cos it’s kinda shitty at 27 when I used to work full time as a store manager. If you were left alone for one hour with nothing more than a pen and a notepad, what would you be inclined to draw or write during those 60 minutes? Not sure, it depends on my mood at the time I guess. If you could witness anything at all in super-slow motion, what would you want to see? No idea. If someone were looking for you in a bookstore, in what section would they be most likely to find you? The art history section or the bit with tarot cards & astrology & stuff. What do you forget to do more often than anything else? Take the bins out when I leave the house so I have to go back up to get them or leave post on the side & forget what they are about. If you could teach everyone in the world one skill, what would it be? How to important it is to make sure that just because you don’t agree or understand what someone else has said/is going through, doesn’t mean it’s not real/irrelevant. You’ve been offered the chance to paint a billboard along a highway with any message you choose, as long as it’s only 10 words long. What is your message? No idea, something inspirational I guess. Would you ever travel to Africa? Nah, don’t fancy it. Whose house were you last at? Mums. Have you ever had a near-death experience? Overdose I guess. Have you ever met anyone who was overly addicted to a computer game? My brother is obsessed with PS4 & I love Sim 4 & can be on it for hours. Have you ever been fingered? Lol. What do you do the most when you are online? Youtube, research random shit, Tumblr, look for stuff to buy/can’t afford or look for places to live in my home town as I wanna move back. What video game have you played the most? SIMS 4 how many times do I have to mention this game :| Do you have scars you don’t like to talk about? I don’t have anything to be ashamed of if that’s what you’re asking. What is something you and your significant other do that may seem weird to others? No idea really. When and why did you last cry? Earlier, I cry literally all the time lately. When was the last time you drank? Alcohol? A long time, after being with D & his issues I hate it even more than I did before. Do you wear jewelry a lot? Earrings, belly bar & nose ring I never take out, I have a anklet I wear pretty much every day as well as my Tiffany ring & Tiffany bracelet from D & a necklace from my mum that says ‘Love you to the moon’ or an amethyst pendant on suede. I have like a small selection of random valuable jewellery I switch between rather than loads of costume cheap stuff apart from the 20ish chokers I have... Who in your household do you not have a good relationship with? None? Who in your life are you scared to lose more than anything? D, honestly I would die, same as Hades, they are my family. I nearly lost my mum in April & it was horrendous, but any close family really or my best friend. Honestly, would you rather be single or in a relationship? A relationship for sure. Do any of your friends not get along at all? D & my best friend possibly? What are your 3 favorite internet sites? Youtube, Tumblr & maybe ASOS haha. Have you ever gotten anything autographed, if so by who & what was it? No idea, can’t think of anyone. Do you prefer Walmart or Target? I’m in the UK so neither. Who is your favorite model? Anyone male with long hair & a nose ring ha. What have you done that is out of character for you? I’m not sure really, i’ve changed a lot over the last few years & don’t take shit & will say exactly how I feel & have become very angry whereas before I used to be shy & bite my tongue a lot more than I used too. But physically I went to a concert on my own last year which was the ultimate ‘fuck it, i’ve gone mad’ moment as I was on the train there & tbh it was traumatising. What do you feel strong enough to protest about? So many things, I feel very strongly about a lot of things I just have never had a chance to actually go to a protest. What’s the biggest blooper you’ve never lived down? Fuck knows, probably getting drunk years ago & blacking out. What is the best thing you have done just because you were told you can’t? I mean it’s not saying I can’t, more shouldn’t, but me & D getting Hades. What are you most thankful for? My family, D, Hades and the NHS. How do you feel about thrift shops or flea markets? You can find some good shit. What do you like to put gravy on? Anything I possibly can! My fave midnight snack atm is yorkshire puddings & gravy or another of my faves is jacket potato with cheese & gravy. Have you ever gone canoeing/kayaking? Yeah, for a school trip once & I loved it. What one thing in particular makes you feel good about yourself? Compliments of how I look & compliments on my boobs haha & also how much of a nice person I am & that i’m always there to listen & just nonjudgemental. What is priceless to you? Love & the good people I have around me. What is one thing you know about your family history you’re proud of? I’m not sure really. Do you keep a budget? Yeah I do, I use an app cos that’s waht you do when you’re an adult with many bills & your own place haha. What makes you feel rested and refreshed? Having CFS/ME it’s hard to say because it’s a bit of a roll of a dice tbh, some days I could have an amazing night sleep or a relaxed day off but the rest & refreshed feeling could be short lived/non existent. A massage or a relaxing bath with Lush products helps clear my mind somewhat though. Who depends on you the most? My cat, & I guess my mum since she’s been unwell over the last few months. Could you ever be someone’s bodyguard? Im petite & 5ft with size 2 feet... Has one of your biggest fears come true? Yeah, being cheated on. Have you ever let your mom or significant other fight a battle for you? No. Did you create a checklist for your ideal spouse? No lol. I like what I like. Have you ever ridden on a subway or train and what did you like about it? Yeah quite often, I love getting the train into London cos it’s just chill. Do you have to experience something to fully understand it? Somewhat. What embarrasses you instantly? I’m so easily embarrassed & so self conscious so literally anything. Do you think you could be a firefighter, why/why not? No, same as the bodyguard thing, i’m too small & have ME so the fatigue stops a lot. What do you think should be censored? Can’t think tbh. Are you related to anyone famous or historical, if so who? William the Conqueror which means the Queen too & Danny Dyer, Alexander the Great. Would you ever donate a kidney to anyone, and who? I would & family I guess, haven’t really thought about it Have you ever fired a gun? No. What is the main quality you think makes a great parent? Hard to choose just one, just being a great teacher & loving & caring for them & helping the kid grow into a great person & always being there to guide & listen. Who is a female role model in your life? My nan. What childhood dreams have you neglected? Not really childhood but I wanted to be a dermatologist & I regret not training to do that, What do you have trouble seeing clearly in your mind? My future, when you loose the will to live a bit or suffer with trauma/suicidal thoughts or have a botched life/childhood it’s very hard to see anything clearly. The way I perceive people or myself or life will always be tainted I think. Would you travel to space if possible? Would be very cool, though space food looks rancid. Are you an optimistic person? Depends on the circumstance, I like to think im optimistic when it comes to relationships or D or whatever but in general im not. Im a logical person. Do you consider yourself more realistic OR idealistic? Bit of both. Have you ever felt bi-curious? Never, I like dick & dick is all it’ll ever be. Are you a fan of U.S. President Donald Trump? Not really. Do you know anyone with autism, mood disorders or learning disabilities? Erm me, hi! I suffer with multiple mood disorders. Are you green-eyed? Bluey green I guess. Would you consider UFC fighting and WWE real sports events? Not sure. Have you ever had an immediate relative pass away of cancer? No. Would you rather work in an office, warehouse or on a retail shop floor? I currently work on a retail shop floor, but i’d prefer an office I think. Do you have a favorite wild animal? Why? I love wolves & tigers because they are both stunning & bats. Do you have any unusual, uncommon phobias? Mould, im terrified & me & my brother have trypophobia which is holes. Do you prefer Android or iPhone? Iphone. Are you a fan of sweet, sour, salty, or savory snacks? All, depends on the time of the month & mood, probs sweet & savoury are top. Do you believe climate change is real? 100000000% Do you believe in evolution OR creationism? Evolution! Do you think people can really predict the future? Hmmm, idk, I do believe in tarot & shit so... Have you been to a lot of shrinks? We don’t call them that here but psychiatrists & psychologists or councillors, yeah. How often do you clean your room? I have a whole flat to clean & once a week, usually Mondays are my ‘get my shit together for the week’ days. Any movies coming out soon that you want to see? It’s out now but Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. What was the last fear you overcame? Not sure.  Have you ever hurt yourself trying to crack a body part? No. What’s the worst part about winter? My bedroom gets freezing so forgetting to put the heating on & freezing my ass off in the morning. Or when you layer up but have to travel on the tube or in shops & it’s fucking boiling. Also when it’s icy & trying not to trip over. Summer? Our houses in the UK are made to keep heat in not out so when it is a hot day we don’t have aircon & shit. Spring? Hayfever & the days where it’s warm enough to wear sandals. Fall? I love Autumn. Are you allergic to anything? Quorn & grapefruit & avocados/nuts can give me migraines. How many times have you changed a diaper in your life? Lots when my little brother was a baby. Which country has the most fascinating culture? Japan is crazy but I love anciet history so does ancient Greek & Rome count?. Who does your favorite song? Fuck that’s the most difficult question ever. When was the last time you wore makeup? Today. Do you prefer males or females or both? I have men issues but females apart from my best friend & family annoy me & most of my friends are men & so’s my cat so... Where in your town do you go when you wanna chill with a few friends? Me & my bestie would go to London. Where’s the best place to get coffee? I don’t drink coffee but I love a Costa. Have you ever seen someone struggle with an addiction? D, it was hell. In May I lost a friend because of addiction too & it really struck something inside. When was the last time someone gave you flowers? My nan brought me pink roses for my birthday this year & roses are my favourite. Do you like cranberry juice? Only in a Woo Woo cocktail.. Do you play any zombie-killing video games? No. What is the dominating genre on your mp3 player/iPod? 80′s everything! Do you have a book shelf? No. What website do you spend way too much time on? Youtube or Netflix or Now Tv on the telly. Do you like wind chimes? Yeah. Do you have a fetish? Maybe... Do you have a pet fish? No, I’ve had a few in my time though, my first pets were goldfish called Michael Jackson & Bubbles. Do you like kettle corn? Popcorn? Yeah. Do you enjoy classic rock? Looove! When was the last time you went for a walk, just cause? Never lol, probably the last time I went to my grandparents house as they live practically on the seafront & it’s just lovely where they live. Do you listen to Type O Negative? No. Do you have any fillings or cavities? No. Have you gotten your wisdom teeth taken out yet? No & hopefully don’t ever have too. Do you actually read privacy policies when signing up for new things? I skim over yeah. Did you have a lot of birthday parties when you were younger? If so, did you invite everyone in the class? Yeah, my first party was the class but after it was friends. Do you like when things are color coordinated? YES & i’m very OCD about it. Have you ever participated in one of those “guess how many jelly beans, mints, etc. are in this jar!” contest? if so, have you ever won? Yeah, and no. Can you juggle? No. Have you ever mistaken a ringing phone on TV or in a movie for your own? Yeah, How often do you use bobby pins? Whenever I do a messy bun so often. Do you live on an avenue, road, drive or something else? Street. What are your school colors? The first was blue, the 2n’d was red & the 3rd was green. Have you ever taken a picture with Santa when you were little? Yeah. Have you ever rolled down a steep, grassy hill for fun? Yeah when I was younger. Do you like Nerds candy? Never had them!