the-real-slim-shady

[the-real-slim-shady]

a place where someone loves you — neil hilborn

[the-real-slim-shady]

I have a list in my notes app

Of the things that she loves

And the things that she hates

And the things in between

If I were to place myself on that list, I know I would be at the top

Because of the way she holds my hands when I am shaking

The way she texts me when I'm breaking

The way she looks at me when I sing

But then there are the moments where

It is glaringly, blindingly, obviously, painfully clear

That she does not want me

Because if she is the gold hiding in the California mountains

I am one of thousands rushing up to hold her in my hands

If she is the ocean, I will sink beneath her because she cannot hold my weight

I would drown in her eyes every single time but she turns away before I can jump in

So the list in my notes app cannot contain me because she loves me

I know she loves me

And I wish that was enough

[the-real-slim-shady]

Life update ig??

Hey guys so i haven't been on here in like forever and I don't even know who's still like checking my posts lol but anyways i just wanted to reassure the general public that I'm not dead, much to my chagrin, but I wanted to just lyk what's going on with my life if anyone was curious but if not then move on with your own life ig

I don't even know what was like going on in my life the last time I was on here, but currently life is actually pretty ok. About last month I had like a complete nervous breakdown and my parents were like oh shit we have to do something so now I'm taking zoloft for my anxiety and depression, and it's been really helping, I also go to therapy once a week and my therapist is this like 50 year old israeli lesbian with short hair and she's awesome.

My anxiety's been getting a lot worse since I was last here, which seems ironic, like isn't your anxiety supposed to go away when you get off social media?? But anyways, yeah it's been pretty shitty but like I said, the zoloft is really helping. I have a lot of shit going on with my friends, some people in my friend group (and by that i mean one person specifically) is just being a gigantic asshole to my best friend and she's like the leader of the friend group so now my best friend and me by proxy are kind of excluded from the whole group.

I've also been in love with my best friend for like years now which is so fucking terrible for so many reasons because I know for a literal fact that she doesn't like me back, and she's one of those fucking people where like everyone likes them, you know? She's just charismatic (i can't think of a better word lol) like she's magnetic and people are drawn to her and she's easy to talk to and it doesn't help that she's completely fucking gorgeous but I digress

OH also one of my friends turned out to be lying about having abusive parents but like she has really bad anxiety and is probably on the autism spectrum and I think the only reason she's lying is because she thinks I won't care about her if her problems arent' bad enough so i'm still hanging out with her because i want to support her because she's clearly struggling and i want to support her

But yeah, that's basically everything important going on in my life rn, hope this was entertaining and informative lol, thank you for listening to my Ted Talk

[the-real-slim-shady]

oh my godddd throwback

Hey yall, look at me! I secretly am on @sydisawkward‘s hotspot and they dont even know!!!!!!!

[the-real-slim-shady]

right now

She is the lump in my throat

She is the burning behind my eyes

She is the static in my brain because I know

I know while I sit here typing out my homework

That was due yesterday but I still haven’t done

Your tongue is in her mouth and her hands are on your waist

And I am surrounded by empty air

And unanswered texts

And open hands

But she is not forever

She is right now but right now hurts

Right now burns behind my collarbones

Right now encircles my wrists and clenches my throat

She is the tightness in my jaw

And you might never know

Because I am not right now

Maybe I can be the future maybe I can be forever

I just have to make it through

Right now

[the-real-slim-shady]

Will the real slim shady please stand up?

And put one of those fingers on each hand up

[the-real-slim-shady]

I love she ra because it’s just a deeply gay story in every way, if that makes sense? Partially because it’s established as such a completely normal and prevalent thing in their world that it’s never really discussed, nobody’s ever like “OMG you like girls?!!? You have two dad’s?! What???”. It just exists. And it’s not just a couple of token main characters, it’s just casually throw in in the background too, down to little details like Scorpia having a photo of herself with what looks like two moms on her nightstand.

But like, thematically it’s also just fundamentally super fucking gay in a way I’m still trying to articulate.

Part of it is in the religious oppression narrative. And it’s in the found family vibe. It’s in Catra trying to assure Shadow Weaver that it’s “just a phase” when Adora first defects from the horde. It’s in the princesses forming a literal rainbow when they work together at the end of season one. It’s Bow “coming out” as a rebel fighter to his two dads.

It’s in Adora’s narrative of being told her whole life to deny her own needs and desires, like that part in season five when Shadow Weaver is trying to convince her that Catra is a distraction? And that Catra will always be a dangerous and corrupting influence on her? But then her vision of Mara tells her that she deserves to have love. 

It’s in Adora initially being mislead to believe Mara was a monster when she was actually a freedom fighter who refused to submit to her predestined path.

And it’s in Catra’s angry repressed… everything. On a subtextual level everything about Catra’s narrative reads like an angry abused gay teenager whose disconnect with her own feelings has turned both self destructive and outwardly destructive. And then in season 5 when she’s brainwashed/converted by horde prime and tells Adora she’s finally at peace and free from feeling anything about her. Like. THE SUBTEXT.

And then also the way Adora/Catra are paralleled to Spinerella/Netossa in season 5. And Spinerella’s line, when she’s first revealed to be possessed, that’s something like “it’s a pity we can’t be together in the light of horde prime”. Which like, obviously refers to the fact that no individual relationships of any kind get to exist, period, under his rule because nobody gets to be an individual. But, again, the subtext. The layer of meaning there that wouldn’t exist if they were a straight couple.

But then the thing that saves the ENTIRE UNIVERSE is Adora and Catra finally accepting their love for each other (and turning into a LITERAL RAINBOW when they kiss).

And just the whole emphasis on supposed imperfections and impurities being people’s greatest strengths. It’s just.

It’s not just a story that happens to include queer characters, it’s a Queer Story™.

[the-real-slim-shady]

[the-real-slim-shady]

the worst part is

the little moments where

it just comes slamming down again

like a sheet of concrete

she doesn’t choose me

again and again she doesn’t choose me

there are moments where I forget

and I hope that one day she will

and then I remember that I am not easy

it is hard to be my friend and maybe

she just feels bad not leaving me

and the worst part is

the moments where I remember that

i am not meant to be chosen

that is just the way I am

[the-real-slim-shady]

Attatched

Don’t get too attached

Leave the price tag attached

So you can return it in case

It doesn’t fit just right

You couldn’t even fit your binder

Over your shoulders

What makes you think a relationship will?

You are not easy to fit in with

You are an oddly shaped puzzle piece and they are a tightly knit blanket

With intricacies and inside jokes and intimacy that you are not part of

And that is by your own choice

You isolated yourself because if you can’t fit in perfectly

You won’t fit in at all

So if you’re going to be stupid enough to try again

Be prepared for them to leave you behind again and remember

Not to get too attached

[the-real-slim-shady]

I actually laughed at this

[the-real-slim-shady]

what if we were 80s lesbians………. and we kissed…..

[the-real-slim-shady]

Wanna know what I goddamn fucking love? When tv shows have a theme with their episode titles. Scrubs starting all the titles with “My ____”? Incredible. Community having all their ep titles be names of classes? Delightful. Bones titling all of their 246 fucking episodes with “The ___ in the ____?” They must have used a lot of nouns.  I’ll even give a shout out to Friends for doing “The One _____.” Begrudging credit.

[the-real-slim-shady]

now that im thinking about it im pretty sure the decline of britta perry happened because they gave a lot of britta's traits to annie most likely to make annie seem more mature in the later seasons so they could push the annie/jeff thing. britta and jeff had a lot of chemistry in the earlier seasons because they were seen as the "parents" of the group and they were on the same level maturity wise, but as soon as they dumbed britta down to being literally just an incompetent mess annie seemed much more mature and had a lot more witty retorts that britta would have had in like s1

[the-real-slim-shady]

can't

I am already mourning those

who haven’t left me yet

in anticipation

of letting them

down

because i can’t think ahead

i can’t think before i speak

i can’t not be the way I am

even though it hurts like nothing else

i can’t close in on myself

i can’t just shut up for once in my life

but i can prepare myself for the inevitable fact

that i will be alone again

[the-real-slim-shady]

who gave me the freedom of speech and can they revoke it please and thank you

[the-real-slim-shady]