#and I personally banged my head a lot really hard when i wasnt feeling very okTM

[mxxnkirby]

something that makes me sad is that i dont know if this is my paranoia or not but every once in a while when things are REALLY bad i think about CTE and how it cant be diagosed while the victim is still alive so even if i think i might have it, that doesnt matter. theres no treatment for it anyways

[tigerdrop]

in lieu of doing more strenuous hand-based activities heres the Dogboy Gordon In Heat Megamix ive been talking about. i wrote this over the course of a couple months in an effort to feel okay about writing horny shit again and i only just realized there are nearly 6 thousand words here. and they only really fuck for like 10% of that

ta-dah

ive thought a lot about gordon being stuck back at gordonhouse after getting kicked out of barneyhouse. i think its ripe for a lot of pining. (and yes, he is pining over the guy hes actively banging. hes being a big mopey idiot over the fact that he doesnt get to have his fuckbuddy around 24/7.) absence makes the heart grow fonder or whatever and gordons already at a baseline of "wheres benrey. wheres benrey"......and now i am about to turn it up to 11

so lets say......gordons starting to feel weirdly under the weather. sweaty and irritable and tired. hes holing himself up in his room a lot, wrapping himself up in blankets to fight off a chill and a sniffliness that wont go away. and hes gettin awfully moody, too. real fuckin testy. starting shit with freemind for no reason and snapping at og gordon like hes a teenager. and......hes nesting, almost, or at least, gathering up a whole bunch of blankets and pillows and anything that smells vaguely like benrey. (hes not really aware hes doing this last thing.)

basically, long story short, feetman is fucked up. hes pathetic. hes being a huge bitch. at least og gordon feels vaguely sorry for him, and expresses this by way of observing him and trying to treat it. for science. its better than freemind, who just loudly complains about him being a huge bitch and reeking up the place. theres something weird coming from vr gordons corner of the house.....a musky, heady, hormonal kind of thing that makes freemind act simultaneously territorial and irritable and more lascivious than normal. and that also piques og gordons attention, because having both of them be wound up little freaks at the same time is enough to make even the most resilient person pull their hair out

now gordon primes got his suspicions as to whats going on, but hes not gonna tell vr gordon that he suspects hes going into heat. that would compromise the experiment, and all that. so poor gordons just going thru all this shit not knowing what in the fuck is wrong with him and getting more worked up and irritable about it by the day. hes convinced that hes just got the flu, or something......except, uh, haha, jesus christ he is horny all the FUCKING TIME

he doesnt get it! he feels like shit all the time, so why is he constantly fighting off boners and having weird wet dreams and thinking about-- well. his fucking boyfriend, he guesses. (are they boyfriends?? he doesnt know. he gets a weird, sharp pang when he thinks about them not being boyfriends, at this point, but its not like theyve ever talked about it!) gordons half-convinced that hes just losing his mind from being stuck inside all the time and he really just wants to see benrey again. its, like, all he thinks about. (see? hes losing it. theres the proof.)

the sucks thing for everybody else is that gordon is also Extremely Vocal about how shitty he feels and how much he wishes he didnt feel shitty so he could go see benrey and how much he cant stand benrey for not being able to read his mind and come over when he feels bad. eventually freemind gets so sick of his shit that he decides to cut out the middleman and get benrey involved directly. "come take care of your fucking dog before i call the aspca! animal neglect is a crime, asshole!"

(if pressed, freemind would adamantly reject the idea that hes being nice to gordon. but on some level, hes kinda sympathetic. the guys clearly miserable, and he just keeps asking for the same fucking thing. might as well humor him to shut him up.)

vr gordon is completely unaware of these machinations, however. hes just holed up in his room trying to work out what makes him feel better because, uhh, powerade isnt helping

jacking off doesnt do a whole lot for him anymore. like, it feels good, but its not very satisfying. gordon just ends up feeling more restless than anything afterward. and hes always stupid horny. more blankets. a box fan. less blankets. sleeping with one of benreys shirts pressed up to his face. grinding into his pillow when he wakes up hard from yet another weird dream. theyre all a little helpful, and he feels like hes working towards the right thing, somehow, but its never really enough to take the edge off

and then.....he tries......jerking off more. especially when he realizes that its bizarrely soothing to do so while he can smell benrey up close and personal on that stupid shirt of his. better still when he rolls onto his side.....and then his stomach.......rocking his hips into the mattress until he gets the idea to lift his hips a little. and......oh. cool. something kind of......clicks. in his head. as he raises his hips higher while he keeps his arms wrapped around a pillow and benreys shirt jammed against his nose. hes got that lil moment of realization that this is good, actually. this feels like a good move. and its making some of that discomfort melt away

and gordon thinks about.....how it felt. earlier. when they were with barmey. and benrey had him just like this, ass up, face down, and was spreading him apart and licking him open and making him submit and he groans so fucking hard that embarassment just rips through him like lightning. but his tail starting to wag a little faster.....electricity shooting through his belly......and he cant help but wonder. what if benrey had kept going? pulled back and-- maybe, replaced his tongue with his fingers, one at a time, curling them inside him and telling him how well hes behaving and-- and his dick throbs, hard, and gordon realizes he wants fingers inside of himself right fucking now, thank you, hes not fully certain how to accomplish it be he is going to fucking try

(sigh) so my guy figures out about the old fingers in the ass trick. and i need you to understand that i am fully convinced that this is one of those guys who has an uproarious reaction to getting fingers in his ass. mr repressed and uptight over here doesnt really get what the big deal is until he gets braver and pushes a little deeper and hes rock hard in an instant, goodbye, just like everybodys favorite creative writing exercise

and this is what he decides to do for a solid day or two without leaving his room, because, honestly, this is awesome. and the longer he spends jerking off the less time he spends stressing about the fact that his imaginations getting really vivid, here. sure, like, hes no stranger to weird dreams even before this, but this is the first time hes really letting his mind run wild and this dude is nonstop thinking about being bred and gordon still has no fucking idea that hes in heat. doesnt even occur to him

unfortunately this also does not solve his problems but at least it feels baller and it keeps him occupied. also, unfortunately, the increased rate of jerking off is causing a serious uptick in Dog Smells, the effect of which is turning freemind into a nightmare. its just not good vibes in this house. enter: benrey

now i need you to understand that when these two meet up again i want gordon to get Emotional. think about how genuinely excited he gets to see some of his pals in canon. the like......excitement and disbelief when benrey shows up outside his window throwing rocks at it before noclipping in. he forgets to even act pissed off at first. i think it would be super fucking cute for him to drop the game for a moment just out of shock, basically. his tails waggin, his ears are perked up, and hed probably tackle benrey to the ground if he wasnt also a sweaty, trembling mess whos been holed up in his room for days.

and benrey has No Fucking Idea what he has walked in on here. as far as benrey knows, freemind just demanded he get over there and take care of his dog.

(INTERLUDE: here is the part where i gin up a freemind POV of this exact scene. b/c i am out of my fucking mind

so. i had the thought of a freemind POV chapter where hes spying on gordon and benrey.....because. gordons in heat. ive talked about that scenario before too (literally so many FUCKING times okay i just need this dude to have the uncontrollable urge to be bred like a little bitch! and for benrey to take pity on him and make him feel better by nutting in him literally as many times as is physically possible!!!)

but i wanna manifest it in this specific way: from an outside perspective. voyeurism is great and also i have a one track mind and basically the only time i traffic in Other Guys in this fandom anymore is as a participant in gordon and benreys horse shit. Im not apologizing for this

lets say.....vr gordons behavior has been getting worse and worse for "unknown reasons" and freeman prime just sees it as a key observational opportunity for his research. while freeminds getting really irritated at how much its cutting into his normal way of life. for one thing, vr gordons room reeks, and he cant even escape it in his own room! and its turning him into a feisty, aggressive, and loud son of a bitch. but he cant even resolve it in his usual fashion at this point (baiting vr gordon into another competition/fuckfest) b/c gordons being a little sadsack holed up in his room and doesnt wanna play

but also.....he kinda just feels bad for the guy at a certain point. hes clearly really miserable and looks downright ill and all hes asking for is to see his boytoy again. (gordons convinced that hes dying, and feels the need to dramatically speak to benrey one last time before he croaks.) so freemind decides, in all his benevolence, to go over gordon primes head and drag the guy over there anyway. (with machinations, not his literal bare hands. what is he, a caveman?) he reasons that itll be a good opportunity to twist gordons arm into groveling at his feet later

and he spies on the two of them in gordons room.....why? idk. possibly something to do with investigating this relationship between a gordon and a barney that he had yet to fully analyze. tl;dr he gets trapped in their closet for a remix of that one barmey voyeurism chapter b/c why the fuck not

i just.....i dont know.....i think theres something really charming about a 3rd party not being able to fully make out what theyre saying or doing but piecing things together anyway.....like benreys weirdly soft tone of voice when hes talking to a super agitated gordon. as far as any of them know, hes not really like that. he either sounds bored or smug, but either way, its usually straight-up antagonistic

it would make freemind bristle to hear it b/c its almost a mocking tone, but.....it makes gordons shoulders drop and gets him to let go of some of that tension and thats probably fascinating to watch. literally soothing him like a stressed out dog, huh. smoothing back his hair and murmuring things in a low, even tone that freeminds enhanced hearing still isnt good enough to make out. (the guy mumbles, okay? he needs a fucking toastmasters meetup.)

it would equal parts horrify and fascinate freemind, in my onion. watching a version of himself fall that hard into the loyal pet role.....its pathetic! for all that gordon goes on about not being a slave to his instinct or whatever, he sure is doing a bad job of acting like it! its like watching himself, but worse.

and benreys having to soothe him like a startled animal b/c he doesnt even know whats wrong with himself, but theres something thick enough on the air that even benrey can smell it, and hes taking some stabs at the dark. especially with how charged some of the shit gordons saying is......"i cant fucking take it anymore", "you smell so good", "i dont know whats wrong with me, man, my dick hasnt gone down for days and im pretty sure i need a doctor-- no, a real one, not the other gor-- NOT a vet, JESUS"

and the whole time.....freeminds peeking from behind a closet door. watching them devolve from outright hostility into "gordon climbing into benreys lap and shoving one of benreys hands up his shirt and demanding that he fucking touch him already"

normally i dont think freemind would be averse to a little bit of voyeurism, here. if it was anybody else, hed probably at least engage in a little heavy petting. but this is getting weird, man. he cant shake the uncanny feeling that this is something too intimate for him to be watching. for one thing, gordons whimpering like a goddamn dog just from a little necking, and for two, hes never really been the kind of guy to watch people make out for 15 minutes before they get to the good stuff

its just kind of unsettling how much these two clearly really, really like each other at this point. its not like watching gordon prime give vr gordon a handjob as part of a "test". freemind expected more of a hatefuck kind of deal out of these two, what with how often gordons normally going on about how much he hates the guy, what a pain in the ass benrey is, how he just wishes benrey would stop jerking him around.....etc. freemind could shit himself right now. that lying bitch!

i imagine its also kind of painful, on a personal level, for him to watch this borderline-sappy shit. he cant even fathom being on the receiving end of that behavior, let alone from......well. theyve all got their barneys, right? and gordon primes basically doomed himself to incel status b/c he wont nut up and do anything about it. freemind just assumed they were all in the same boat: cursed to casual sex with their roommates/clones, forever, and unable to achieve any kind of intimacy b/c all 3 gordons are fucked up in the exact same way. since theyre all just diff flavors of the same fucking guy, right?

well, theres the evidence that hes wrong. and that vr gordons better than him, somehow. thats gotta suck, bro

anyway then he watches vr gordon get railed in the ass a bunch and jerks off anyway b/c its still hot. see ya)

“take care of your dog”. huh. hes got no clue what that means but, yknow, he does kinda miss his dog. hasnt seen gordon in awhile. and he immediately comments "wow. you look fucked up" in as blunt and unsympathetic a way as possible. but gordons so far gone that he cant even work up a good anger about it. he is pretty fucked up, man. and benrey sits on the bed and slaps his forehead with a palm to take his temperature (and that gets gordon to bitch at him, finally, that thats not how you do it, asshole) and judges that, uh, he is hot. in his expert opinion

and thats when gordon kinda grabs his sleeve and tugs it and starts tryin to say something. hes really bad at it, because he is having to perform the mortifying task of Owning Up To It, but eventually he manages to grind out that he needs benrey to touch him, please. just pet him. something. he feels really bad and he just needs benrey to scratch his fucking ears. this is the most gordon can cop to in one go, and it is such a sad struggle to watch, but benreys caught off guard by it and he feels weirdly bad for gordon upon hearing it so  hes just like "whoa, okay" when gordon tugs his hand to his head

gordon groans the moment his fingernails start scratching behind the ears and digging into his scalp. even just that much feels really fucking good. its comforting, for one thing, and its benrey, for another, and the physical touch feels so fucking good right now that goosebumps are crawling down his neck. gordon cant help but lean against benrey and bury his head in the crook of his shoulder. he wants to hide his face from scrutiny and he wants to get closer but he doesnt know how to say what his fucking problem is

and benreys weirdly quiet. just kinda mumbling and shushing him intermittently, awkward and not sure what to do b/c this is a level of intimacy he was not expecting but gordons sure is responding nicely to a second hand in his hair

so having both of benreys hands scratching at his scalp is really getting to gordon. hes scritchin behind the ears and gordons tails wagging at a mile a minute. the feelings making goosebumps race down his neck and arms. he starts kind of mumbling something into benreys shoulder, how hes been feeling so fucked up lately, and he squirms a little closer. hes not really aiming for anywhere in particular but every neuron thats firing in him right now is telling him to get closer. make contact. he missed the fucking guy, what can he say.

and one of benreys hands......slips down to gordons face. his jaw. a thumb pushing into that soft little divot between his jaw and neck, like hes trying to push up into gordons fucking teeth. its weird and bizarrely intrusive, but benreys hand is broad and warm and gordon leans into it anyway, groaning with relief. its not like its not doing anything for him. kind of the opposite, actually. then he palms at gordons neck, and gordon starts breathing harder. he can feel his heartbeat rabbit-fast, pushing against benreys skin (and theres no way benrey isnt feeling that, too).

benrey eyes are lidded and his breaths starting to get heavier, too. naturally, yknow, since gordons practically draped over him right now, melting all the more the longer benrey keeps petting him. oxytocin is crazy, man, especially when a guys in the full throes of some kind of chemical meltdown of the glands. gordons eyes are screwed shut, tail thumping furiously against the bed, and hes panting at benreys neck like hes a fucking dog.  he just doesnt know how to articulate what the fuck his problem is

benrey smells insanely good to him right now, and gordon just blurts that out. benrey gives him some shit for it, but when gordon only makes a weird noise in response and fists his hands in benreys hoodie, it makes him shut up real quick. hes squeezing out words about feeling like he needs something, but its clearly a fucking effort. its almost pitiful

so. gordons crawled right into benreys lap, too impatient after days and days of feeling like this (you know, being in heat, in so many words). hes been pounding off like crazy, that brand new collar of his strapped to his neck nearly every time b/c hes that desperate to feel… well. *benrey*. he cant fucking jerk off to thoughts of anything else - porn doesnt do it for him, and his fantasies slip right back to the same thing every single time. its frustrating! hes bisexual, for gods sake! its not like hes normally immune to the wiles of the Phat Ass White Girl, but lately he just keeps ending up on his hands and knees and whining benreys name into his pillow and he couldnt focus on a girls rack if he tried

point being. hes being awfully fucking demanding. (and also, hes wearing the collar *right fucking now)*. he shoves benreys hand up his shirt and shivers the moment he makes contact with gordons burning-hot flesh. and hes demanding that benrey touch him already, jesus, hes losing his mind! and benreys just crooning at him, “bossy, huh,” but hes scritching gordons ears and palming at his side and nosing at gordons neck and gordon starts to feel like hes melting into it. his protests at being talked down to are perfunctory at best

benrey licks a stripe up gordons neck and starts muttering his stupid horseshit right in gordons ear and it makes gordon clutch his shoulders so tight, claws digging into the meat of him. benreys kind of into it, though, and it just makes him laugh, low and harsh and right in gordons ear. that just makes gordons problem worse. he lets out quiet, nasal whines on every exhale, like a literal fucking dog.

he starts teasing, like, “haha, you’re *gagging* for it, bro,” but gordon doesnt respond with the defensiveness he expects. instead, its like opening a floodgate - he is, hes fucking *desperate*, okay, his dick hasnt gone down in days and he wants benrey so bad he cant see straight and he cant stop thinking about him and all of this comes tumbling out of him at once. gordons trying to press himself as close to benrey as he can physically get, legs straddling benreys lap and arms clutched tight around his back. and when benrey prods a little more, tells gordon to say what hes been thinkin about, gordon starts to pant, squeezing his eyes shut. but he cant bring himself to do anything more than choke and stutter on the words

hes half-hard in his underwear already (and, lets be be clear, he was only in boxer briefs and a tank top to begin with. hes sweating buckets and its the least amount of clothing he could get away with wearing around the house) and his tails thumping a mile a minute and hes so far gone, just from benrey talking down to him and kissing his neck and scratching his ears. but hes not budging yet, so benrey slides that hand on his ears over to his ponytail and *yanks*. tells him, “speak.” gordons dick twitches rapidly, and he lets out a sharp sound, and he finally says it: he needs benrey to *fuck* him, jesus

benrey lets out a harsh breath at that. “yeah? thats what puppy wants?” and the nickname should blister him, make him feel to embarrassed to continue, but gordons too desperate to care. he just starts spewing a litany of “god yes”s and “please”s. hes getting harder and harder, pressed up against benreys belly, and benrey can *feel* it. “good boy,” he mutters, and those claws dig harder, that panting gets louder and harsher

he slips a hand around to gordons back, rubbing slowly for a moment as if to soothe him, and then slides it under the back of gordons boxers. and lower still. starts rubbing at gordons hole. that gets a quiet “oh god” out of gordon.

gordon cant help himself - he rocks forward against benrey, just a little, rubbing his bulge against what he realizes is benreys *extremely* hard dick in his sweatpants. hes not the only one whos got it bad. but he *is* the only one whispering, “fuck, fuck, fuck,” as benrey pushes a little further, makes as if hes about to breach gordon dry. the poor guys so needy that he probably wouldnt even argue!

but benrey just stares at him, wide eyed and flushed, mouth hanging open a little. gordons so hot for this that it surprises the both of them.

anyway after some boring position finagling benrey coaxes gordon onto his hands and knees, running a broad hand down gordons shaking back. and he pulls back gordons tail, exposing him. its so fucking humiliating - gordons got his face buried in a pillow, and his ass in the air, and hes never felt so *vulnerable* before. he wants to argue, he wants to lift his head and look back to make sure that everythings, like, okay back there - benreys staring at his entire asshole, okay, and he wasnt exactly anticipating benrey making a house call to fuck him in the ass - but every time he lifts his head, or starts to say something neurotic about it, benrey chides him about it. clicks his tongue. tells him, “hey. dogs dont talk” or “i said *bow*, bro”.

for all his insisting that hes a real guy, that hes not just a dog, gordons feeling less and less like a human and more like something in thrall to his instincts. the condescension rankles like it always does, but doing what benrey tells him to feels good. feels natural. presenting himself like this feels like what hes *supposed* to do. it doesnt stop him from running his mouth entirely, but it helps to mitigate some of the embarrassment.

and then… benrey *licks*. gordon tenses and gasps. he doesnt know how benrey can stand it, its gotta be, like, unhygienic! but that didnt scare him off the last time they tried this, and its not like gordon hasnt thought about it since. hes thought about it a lot, actually. but hes been too neurotic to ask for it. benreys not stupid, though. hes a good dog owner (at least, so he thinks) and hes gonna take care of his dog. so he licks again, and again, pressing a little harder against gordons hole on each pass with the broad side of his tongue until he dares to breach it with the tip.

gordons rock hard again in an instant. his dick hangs between his legs and drips onto the sheets. he digs his fingers into the pillow now, tearing holes in its surface with those sharp nails of his, and he makes embarrassingly high noises that he muffles into into the pillow, too. hes tense, hes so fucking tense, he should be clamping down and making benreys task really fucking hard, but theres bright pink sweet voice dripping from his hole and benreys rubbing the side of his thigh in an effort to soothe him and both of these things work in tandem to get him to relax. and benrey works his tongue in further, further than a human ought to.

the tip was one thing, but it gets wider as benrey pushes it in, and its just as good as it was before - better, even, because now its just the two of them, just a master and his dog, and benreys the only one he wants to see him like this. bent over and whimpering. he cant— he cant stomach the thought of anybody else doing this to him. hell, there was a point once where the idea of stomaching *benrey* doing this to him would have made him laugh. but here he is. benreys fucking him open with his tongue and pressing against something thats making him see stars and gordon just wants *more*. he says it so sweet, too, voice growing hoarse and raw as he begs benrey to just fucking do it already, he doesnt wanna come like this!

gordon gets so worked up and emotional about it that benrey takes the time to scratch behind his ears again, shushing him and telling him to chill. benreys got him. hes been a good dog, and good dogs get treats. hearing the words “good dog” makes gordons entire body flush. thats all he wants, really. he wants to be a good dog. he wants to be *told*. he blurts out, “oh my god— say it again,” and benreys like, “huh? say what? youre gonna have to be more specific,” clicking the last syllable. it makes all the hairs on gordons head rise and prickle with shame. the best he can do is mumble it into his pillow.

benrey hears it, though, and tugs at gordons collar from behind, just enough to raise his head. “whassat? you want me to call you a good boy?” gordon cant bring himself to answer that directly, but his stupid body betrays him by making him whine. jesus christ, yes, thats all he WANTS! he needs benrey to be good and nice to him for once in his fucking life and give him what he wants instead of taking, taking, taking! but benrey just tells him that hes gonna have to earn it. gonna have to be *real* good for him. gordon could fucking snarl at that, but benreys pulling back to rub his dick between gordons cheeks and against his hole and that shuts him up pretty fast because hes *so close* to getting what he wants and hes not about to fuck it up now by running his big dumb mouth

and then… he starts to push in. that sweet voice has loosened gordon up enough to take even benrey, who, uh, is definitely the bigger of the two, in that regard. he goes slow, uncharacteristically so, and gordons chest heaves with the force of how hard hes breathing. a quiet string of “oh god”s spills out of him as he tries to crane his neck back to watch. the head breaches him with a strange popping sensation, and benrey groans, loud, as the rest of him slides in with little resistance in comparison. “good,” he pants in turn, “youre takin it so good,” and—

and gordon comes, in weak, aborted spurts. it snuck up on him. he clenches so fucking tightly that it winds benrey a little. he breathes out, “whoa. did you—” but gordon just begs him to shut up, keep going, hes not— hes not done yet, its always like this, its not *enough*. his dick barely even flags afterward, it just hangs there, achingly hard and dripping with cum. benrey cant even find it in himself to make fun of him. he wants it so fucking bad, doesnt he? and he feels so good, so fucking tight and slick around benrey that the only thought running through his head is “gotta take care of my dog gotta fuck my best friend gotta nut in him and make him howl”. so he pushes himself alllll the way in until theyre pressed together, skin to skin.

then he starts to move. slow, careful thrusts, more for benreys benefit than gordons. if hes not careful, hes gonna blow his load, right then and there, and hes trying to make it good for gordon, too, okay? unlike *some* of them, hes not gonna bust in two minutes and then spend the next half hour crying and trauma-dumping to the guy hes still got his dick inside of.

once he thinks hes got a grip, though, benrey starts fucking him in earnest, and that changes gordons vocalizations from weak little whimpers into something louder. less restrained. hes given up any pretense of being quiet so that his other selves dont hear that hes snuck his boytoy into his room. just loud, wordless moans on each thrust, initially muffled into the pillow but soon spilling into the wider room when he turns his head to catch his breath. the only words hes managing are “oh god” and “please” and “benrey, benrey, *benrey*”, and benrey just responds to him like, “yeah? thats good? fuuuck, bro, so good for me,” all short of breath and barely able to speak himself

he wants to see gordons face. he *needs* to see gordons face. needs to see what hes doing to him, needs to see that cute fuckin blush of his. so he tugs on gordons collar again, bringing him to his hands and knees properly instead of that bowing position. and then further still - pulls him back so that benreys on his knees, and gordons on his knees in turn, on his lap, cock still buried inside of him and fucking him in short, hurried thrusts. “paws up,” benrey tells him, and gordon does it. instantly. no resistance. just folds them at his chest like a real dog would.

“whos a good boy?” benrey croons, right in his ear again. gordon gasps, “i-i am!”

“yeah? youre a good boy?” nod, wail. “whose— whose good boy are you?”

and gordon chokes on his response. he cant say it, he *cant*, he doesnt want to be benreys but he does, he *does*. he doesnt want to be benreys because its not fucking fair! he cares so fucking much! so much more than benrey does, it feels like, obsessing over the guy like hes wrapped thorny vines all around gordons heart and he cant so much as shift in his seat without feeling the tug and the ache and thinking of benrey again. and benrey doesnt care, he never fucking cares, except—

except he showed up at gordons house, in his room. without even being asked. like he knew something was wrong. and he— hes always talking to gordon, shooting him stupid texts just to make him laugh. scheduling *date nights* for them. date nights where, yeah, maybe they couldnt see each other in person, and maybe they always end in some kind of depraved sexual act, but its not like gordons not into it. hes frighteningly into it, actually. and hes *so* into hearing benreys voice, low and crooning, right in his ear, and seeing him lean on an elbow and smile at him afterward. its— its practically genuine. and benreys always making excuses to talk with him, do things with him, watch stupid fucking movies that only gordon cares about and stream with him on twitch to help boost his subscriber count and—

and—

oh god. maybe he *does* care. that might be more terrifying than the alternative.

then benrey yanks the collar again. presses the whole of gordons back against his front in one hot, unbroken line. and asks, “i said, whose good boy are you, bro? *speak.*”

“benrey,” he blurts out, a ragged moan, “d-dont make me sa-AY it, oh god—”

“no?” benrey stills suddenly. his hands keep gordon stuck in place, unable to move or bounce or feel benrey shift inside of him. “thats, uh… thats too bad, friend. this trains for good boys only. good dogs go to heaven 2. no bad dogs allowed. gonna have to, uhh, escort you off—”

“im not a bad dog!”

“i dunno, gordo. bein’ kind of, uh… disobedient.”

(sorry. thats all i got . byeeee)

[petewentzisblack1312]

What got you into fob? I've seen your posts a lot and I always wonder how some peeps found the boys

ok so we have to start when i was about 6 ish years old, 2006 thereabout, when some show comes on and i see some dude on the screen who has like. eyeliner and straight black bangs and i dont know why but this freaks little me the fuck out and i knew 1 thing and it was that this dude was like an example of a cliche rock and roll guy so i decided right then and there i would NEVER get into alternative music because i did not under any circumstances want to look like that.

so fast forward almost a decade, i have just learnt albums are a thing that exist with maroon 5s overexposed (this is so sad alexa press f) and my best friends and i go to the movies to watch big hero 6 bc i thought itd be fun, and i realised Holy Shit I Love This Movie And Also Want To Be An Engineer, and then the scene plays (you know the scene) and my friend and i turn to each other and agree, this song? a banger. hard as hell. love this shit. and i left the theatre and i couldnt get the song or the movie out of my head so i subsequently watched big hero 6 like 2 more times (very major for me, a person who doesnt really watch movies) and listened to immortals by playing the music video (i use the term loosely) on loop for like 2 days. and then i realised, boy. i sure do like this song and i think its my favourite song and i cant even parse the lyrics. i should listen to some other stuff. so i listened to other stuff off ab/ap, on shuffle, and i loved it a lot and i realised immortals wasnt even my favourite song anymore. so i was like dang, if thats the case i should listen to another album by them (because rememver id just learned albums exist) so i listened to save rock and roll, again on shuffle (because it didnt really occur to me that order mattered yet, one foot in the door) and i realised again, liked this even more than what i last listened to. so then i went to folie a deux, and im not sure if i hit shuffle, because the first thing that played was disloyal order. and i thought for a moment something was wrong, because it was quiet, but then there was the click of what i now know to be billiards balls, and the organs, and patricks voice, and i think i met a god when i heard that. i think that did something to me.

from then on i was hooked. im still hooked, mind you, but i have the benefit of not being 14 now. so everything i did had to be related to fall out boy. hell i could play the 7 degrees of fall out boy if anyone would humour me. i was obsessed. so then, a few months later, my art teacher gave us an assignment to draw facial details, but i didnt feel comfortable asking my friends because i wasnt used to having good ones yet so i thought theyd say no, so i decided, hey. google pictures of fall out boy. so i did, i opened google and searched 'pete wentz' and was looking for good pictures to use as a reference and then i came across the exact picture of him that scared me into avoiding alternative music for my entire life up until that point. i honestly dont know which one it is anymore (i THINK it was him in the full band portrait from ioh?) but i still think that its fucking hilarious that seeing pete wentz kept me from realising im a fan of pete wentz. 6 year old dils would hate my style so much til i explain that ironically our exact philosophy is entailed by those scary rock and roll type people. like to a T i was straight up an anarchist (and kind of a communist too?) without even really understanding what that means. its hilarious.

anyway thats how i became a fall out boy fan.

[babysizedfics]

I need to know about doctor mama lo taking care of a sick baby Virgil if you would like pretty please. I dont wanna ask on the in character blog cuz I feel like it would be weird to ask for details and lo seems kinda busy anyway lol.

hey tumblebee!! yeah yeah lets do this, Im gonna write it so that ppl who dont follow the other blog can understand too

WARNING IF U HAVENT ALREADY BLOCKED THE TAGS ILLNESS TW AND VOMIT TW THEY ARE VERY PREVALENT IN THIS

also this is a VERY long headcanon!!

so last night vee got ill, he had been regressed in the afternoon with patton and he was acting much more fussy than usual - not being entertained by his cartoons, not having the energy to play with his rattle, pretty much constantly whining and pouting and he gets very wriggly when he's fussy

patton assumed it was because vee had been upset earlier that day. at one point vee started gripping his stomach, and patton assumed its because he was hungry and could smell the food roman was cooking

but when dinner came around no matter how hard patton tried he couldnt get vee to eat a morsel - he kept turning his head away from the food and whining. at one point patton and logan both managed to convince him to eat a spoonful but his face crumpled with a wince and it looked almost painful for him to swallow it. it was at this point logan noticed he had a faint sheen of sweat on his forehead

things fell into place quickly after that - logan checked his temperature and it was indeed slightly higher than was healthy, they noticed vee's hands were trembling and he was constantly on the verge of tears :(

while patton cleared away dinner and excused roman who wanted to go and craft in his room, logan took vee to his bedroom and tried to check for more symptoms, since vee was non verbal and unresponsive totheir questions. he tested his tummy by pushing it a little to see if the pain got worse when he released it (this is a test for appendicitis) but there was no reaction thankfully except vee being upset by logan not cuddling him. he checked his throat for any redness or infection, nothing.

vee's crying became more pronounced and eventually he was in constant tears, occassionally pleading 'mama mama' through sniffles and hiccups and whines of pain :(( Patton brought him a baby bottle of cooled tea made with fresh mint leaves since that is supposed to help stomach pains. though he left the room again since logan thought it was best not to crowd virgil. Vee's crying had dissipated but he was strangely silent and seemed almost loopy now. he only drank a little of the tea before he pushed it away with a gag.

logan immediately took him to the bathroom knowing what was coming, and sure enough vee threw up into the toilet, crying between gags. logan dutifully managed to keep vee in his lap the whole time and held his hair and rubbed his back, telling him he was such a good boy the whole time

Thankfully it didnt last long as there wasnt much in vees stomach to be emptied. he was shivering and sweating and flushed and had lost all energy. he wasnt even crying anymore, just whimpering under his breath. with a bit of a struggle logan managed to show him how to rinse his mouth out with mouthwash - though he had to hold vee over the sink and pat his back to make sure he didnt swallow it

during all of this patton wasnt able to help because of his heightened empathy, if he sees someone throwing up the likeihood is he will too and that wiuldnt be very helpful! so instead he drives to the store to pick up some medicine and ice pops - and comes back with half the store including some actual baby medicine smh - ((im actually begging u to read that linked post i think its so funny))

it was originallly meant to be logans night to put roman to bed but understandably patton took on that task instead. after roman was drifting off patton pokes his head into vee's room. he had hoped to find lo and vee asleep but they werent. they were lying in the dark with an in the night garden audio story playing on a portable speaker and with vees salt lamp and star night light lighting up the room in a soft glow.

logan offered a strained little smile and nod to patton as he stroked vee's hair and cuddled him close. vee was completely out of it honestly. his body was wholly lax against his mama, his lips were in a permanent pout and his eyes were puffy and wet. he barely even acknowledged his papa coming in, his teary eyes just settled on him for a moment then dropped back to the bedsheets without a reaction. he kept lifting his thumb up to suck on it but logan kept capturing it and apologising as he brought it away. Vee shouldnt suck on his thumb and logan doesnt want to give him a paci while he's ill. understandably, baby vee was completely miserable.

patton asks if logan thinks vee could handle a popsicle or plain crackers at the moment but logan disagrees. he doesnt expect either of them to get much sleep so he will make sure vee eats something in a few hours. with a gentle kiss on vee's forehead patton goes off to bed, confident that logan will be able to look after vee and will come get him if theres any issues

logan and vee really dont sleep much at all. Vee drifts off for a few minutes at a time then gasps awake from vivid fever dreams. logan keeps ice cubes in a bowl by the bed for vee to suck on if he needs to cool down and wraps a couple in a flannel to press to vee's head when his fever rises in the middle of the night.

around 3am logan jolts awake and realises he had drifted off. and vee isnt anywhere in the room. he panics momentarily, bolting up from the bed and dashing to the closet to see if virgil is in there - which he tends to do when he is overwhelmed - but then he hears sniffling from the bathroom.

he finds vee, no longer regressed, curled up against the side of the bathtub with his bangs clinging to his sweaty head. vee is the palest person logan knows but he looks positively grey at the moment

'can i help in any way?' he asks, aware that he doesnt need to baby talk at the moment but still eager to look after this bundle of miserableness

virgil just groans under his breath and clutches his knees to his chest. 'i.. i didnt know what to do with the..' he gestures vaguely to something on the floor

logan notices virgil, being not regressed anymore, had obviously wrestled off the diaper he had been changed into the night before and not known how to dispose of it

'its ok, ive got it' logan wraps it up in a bag and puts it in the trash can they have in the room for just this purpose

'sorry.. m stupid' virgil croaks

'You're not stupid.' logan says firmly as he washes his hands 'You're ill and probably delirious from the fever. it's alright virgil'

theres quiet for a bit longer, virge's head pressed against the porcelain edge of the bathtub likely in an attempt to cool his fever. logan stays there with him for a while just waiting. then suddenly virgil starts sobbing and buries his face in his hands.

'sweetheart, tell me whats wrong please' logan hurries to kneel beside him, lifting his hands away from his face. that wouldnt help the fever

'i dont feel well' virgil cries pathetically, tears rolling down his face.

logans heart breaks 'no, you dont. i'm sorry little one, i know its not nice'

at the nickname virgils thumb raises to his lips again, which logan hurriedly intercepts. 'i'll make you a deal, okay? you're allowed to use a pacifier, but you have to use the same one everyday until you are better. we will need to sterilise it every night too.'

vee sniffles and nods, then chokes 'm not a baby right now though'

'that doesnt matter. you dont need to be regressed to want one of your pacis, vee'

vee is unresponsive and starts scratching at his pyjama pants. logan gets a feeling he isnt saying something. then he notices virgil's pout is much more infantile than his adult ones. 'are you feeling little, baby?'

with a harsh shake of his head vee starts crying again. he whispers 'dont wanna be a b...' then cuts himself off and whimpers

logan cards his fingers through virgils damp bangs. he knows what virgils mind has jumped to. 'were you going to say you dont want to be a baby?' he lifts virgils chin up to look at him 'or that you dont want to be a burden?'

virgils pale lip wobbles 'same fing'

'no sweetheart, no no no,' logan sits on the tiles beside vee and pulls him into his lap. virgil goes willingly. logan rocks his baby as he says 'youre always always allowed to be a baby and its never ever going to upset your family. even if you're an adorable wonderful brave baby boy alllll of the time' he scribbles his finger on virgils rosy cheek and delights at the tiny smile it earns him. 'but especially when you're feeling yucky. you feel a bit yucky today dont you, little one?'

vee nods with a pout

'but yknow whats not yucky? softies and pacis and diapers and lots and lots of cuddles with mama' he holds virgil tighter to prove his point. vee sighs and drops his head to nuzzle against his mama's neck. logan feels he still has a slight fever. 'i know what might help you feel less yucky. does my sweet baby want a sweet ice pop?'

thankfully vee nods against his shoulder and grips tight onto his pyjama shirt, preparing for when logan lifts him up

he first makes sure to change vee into another diaper and even decides that he should wear one of mama's t-shirts as a light dress so he doesnt get as overheated by his pyjamas. at this point vee actually giggles for the first time pretty much all day as he feels the tshirt swish lazily around his legs. logan makes a mental note to observe whether little vee might want to try wearing dresses if the feeling sparks this much joy (at this point logan is unaware that vee has secretly been trying skirts and dresses in his room for months, and roman found out a few weeks ago, but vee isnt ready to tell the cgs yet)

by the time vee is in his diaper and mamas tshirt dress and has a paci and jiji clutched to his chest he is a lot calmer and happier. he's still very ill and exhausted and teary, but theres a tiny smile on his face instead of a pout. in the kitchen he picks a strawberry ice pop and it goes down well, logan convinces him to have a cracker too though vee is in such a young headspace by then that he is just sucking on it, which logan supposes is fine too

by the (real) morning vee is still regressed and has managed to have a couple hours undisturbed sleep. its not much but its better than nothing. logan didnt fare much better. by then vee misses his papa and asks for him and logan hands the responsibility over to papa patton, trustinf the other caregiver enough to catch up on a quick power nap himself

but yes, the main thing is vee thought being ill was a burden enough that he shouldnt be regressed too, but logan makes him see that its okay. vee is regressed pretty much the whole time he is ill over the next few days because its stressful and painful and its a lot easier to feel comforted when ur a baby

yeah! gosh that was long, theres probably a billion spelling mistakes! feel free to ask follow up Qs if i missed anything u wanted to know abt this event

[hwajin]

disclaimers: this is f!reader angst, expect nothing from me i have bad grammar and im mentally drained. tnx -lorelei/🥟

* minho made an update as i was writing.

心做し (224) ft. 이민호

day 1

to say the least, you were annoyed. too annoyed at the fact you couldn't concentrate in the first day of class. "you should really talk it out with him." jeongin said at you with a concerned look. "i'm not angry i just, hate being second all the time. c'mon ayen, you know that since the first day we became friends."

you were once y/n, the transferee girl. you sat beside jeongin on your first day, who thought you looked cute on your first day.

coincidentally, you liked his friend. a senior who was named minho. assuring to yourself and jeongin that it was nothing more than a crush was the hardest part. being drunk at a party and confessing to him had become what you quote "the best thing i've ever did".

after class ended, you decided to stick with jeongin who became class president and now is tasked to clean the classroom. why were you there? you really trusted him, a lot and as a friend.

"hyung!" jeongin called out to your supposed boyfriend who was walking toward your classroom.

"y/n-ah, bubs, cutie" he said, ignoring the male and rushing to give you a warm hug. "if you feel less, remember i love you so much. today tomorrow forever, remember?" he told you and you just stood there, uncertain how to react.

"y/n you should go home, i'll be waiting for seungmin too." jeongin said with a warm smile, looking at your annoyed face that contrasts minho's neutral face.

for some reason, you and minho walked home not even talking. "i'm-" "please dont remind me again." you coldly said. "i'll make it up to you. iced coffee?" he asked as you shrugged, thinking of your answer but your heart said yes after a second he asked the question.

"i'm super sorry i've been insecure." you muttered while intertwining both your arms. "no big deal. remember that she's a friend." he said as he rubbed your fingers.

you've never really been anyone's first choice, in middle school you never really had a permanent set of friends that treated you like a friend. you were always rejected and your parents never really cared for you as much as other parents do. you knew you grew up quickly, and you're trying to fix yourself as much as you can.

"oh look, the theme park is open today." he said, pointing outside to the moving ferris wheel. "come on, we are fixing the blue, making it color yellow." he said while dragging you outside the coffee shop as you silently drink your coffee.

he put your bangs down slightly, smiling at what he did and ruffles your hair softly. "my y/n is so cute. she's pretty, nice and she is the first person in my mind. "

"minho?" there she was, the girl you hate the most. minho's first love. his family loves her that sometimes you get compared to her. you knew of her existence, unsure if she knew yours though. "ah this must be your new girlfriend!"

noticing your uneasy gazes, minho spoke up. "hi, yeah and we're leaving." he said. "i really don't know where the entrance is, can i come with you? i'm meeting up with my friends." she pouted as you nodded.

"yeah, you're y/n, super cute. minho and you were together since last year? congrats!" she asked and minho was the one to answer. "yeah, here's the entrance to the theme park." he scoffed and held your hand tighter while you walked towards the ferris wheel.

day 2

the next day, you had to bring it up to jeongin and seungmin, people you trusted the most. "yeah its kinda like in a teasing way, i absolutely hate it. its like she wants to punch me in the face and move me out of her way!"

"oh my god, never be a punch bag you can move around." jeongin said. "i'm not a punchbag!" you said in an enthusiasic tone "Y/N ISNT A PUNCHBAG." seungmin accidentally said too loudly, causing the librarian to look and he bowed his head to say sorry. "my bad." he said and the three of you laughed quietly.

day 94

and, you knew it was coming.

after months, she always found a way to be closer to him. after all, she did know him better. while losing time for you, he remembered all the points on why she was his first love after all.

"minho... please dont hurt me anymore mentally. if you want to break up with me, im sorry. i dont know. i just feel too conflicted. i... hate this so much. i want to die. " was the first words you said as he opened up to your door. "i love you y/n." "its always i love you y/n, i love you y/n, fuck do you even mean them?! words aint enough, atleast spend some time with me. i... absolutely hate this."

collapsing to his arms, he felt his tears rushing down his cheeks. "i never knew you felt like that." he said as he caressed your hair. "now you know." you said, as he kissed your tears away. "can we move somewhere else?" he asked, talking about the awkward position you have on the doorway that made you smile.

day 156

"wow, it's snowing!" you said as you tugged minho's arm. "babe, please pay attention to me." you say to your boyfriend over and over again, who has been focusing on his project. you knew it was hard for him, but it was a sunday. and it was a group project. "you done your part yesterday-" "let me finish this first." he said with a scary tone, realizing what he said he decided to let it be for a few moments.

why am i being like this? he asked himself, looking at his girlfriend. his girlfriend, he reminded himself. perhaps he forgot? is his first love comig back to his life?

day 183

"and... thats what i knew. " you said over and over again. "y/n..." "stop messing around with me! you knew i couldve told hwang hyunjin from class c that! i couldve told your friend jisung, i had a crush on them too, but i chose you, and i never regretted it for, one and a half year. you dont even remember our anniversary? could you just ever..." you said, walking away.

"but i wasn't your first choice either." he spit out, and that made you get very angry. "what about now? who is your first choice now, my first choice now would be you. after that day i confessed it became you, i didnt even force myself to. it was because, you were minho i loved. can i... get him back. but fuck no, you played me." you said, and he breathed in and out.

after hours of silence, you left your phone, he noticed. opening the chats and backreading everything, that was the time where indeed he was wrong, he was wrong in all aspects. he never says sorry, its always her. and his phone rang, it was the girl again. he felt a jolt in his heart reading her name, butterflies in his stomach, but he knew there was y/n.

"ah fuck, this is all my fault."

day 192

a week or so since you havent gone to school, thats when you realized your mom cared and told you advice, went online shopping with you. its just that you always view everything negatively.

"someone wants to see you." she said, you hoped it was minho who would tell you sorry.

"y/n... its jeongin and seungmin. i have notes here compiled, even though im from another class. jeongin has english here, are you fine? " they asked while you explained everything.

day 194

deciding to go to school although minho was there was a bad thing. the day consisted of you being mentally unstable, and that wasnt the cherry on top.

"why are you here?" you said once you went out the school campus. "because, i want to. iced coffee?" again, blindly saying yes.

day 200

if you love her, dont be nice anymore. chanted in your head, but cant be said.

" why are you so nice, i know you've fallen out of love. " and he smiled as he looked again at the movie.

"minho. please, give me closure. stop being nice. treat me like a servant. swear at me. tell me im a bitch, whore, i dont know degrade me! please leave my heart alone, i cant cry anymore."

and so he thought for a moment, i cant do that.

day 210

holding you close again while you violently react, he caressed your face softly. tracing each feature and wiping your tears.

screaming, crying, like the storm. but he still held you up, like how he does to you everytime. "it's fine now."

day 224

"if i had a hole in my heart, how do i fix it?" she asked him, the man who she hasnt talked to in 2 weeks. "you've known what it is." he replied subtly.

"its not today tomorrow forever anymore huh. two day, two morrow and four ever. and its feb 24. fucking want to collapse or you just hit me and degrade me like what i said." and you watched him shake his head. "you cant split a heart into two and think it would still work, cant you?"

"but, you can break one into pieces and then they'd pretend its fine." she says with a bitter smile. "please be happy." and those words, those simple words were the confirmation. it was such a bitersweet love, everyone finds their way out of this somehow.

oof wait a minute i gotta read this later I DON'T HAVE TIME RN BUT EVERYONE GO READ

[cosmic-ivy]

Noisey Neighbors

JiminxJungkookxReader

Sighing in sweet relief you fall back onto your daybed. It was late and you had just gotten off work. It wouldn’t have been so bad if your desk-mate Kirsten wasn’t being a total bitch about tomorrow’s deadline. Thinking about her made you heated all over again. She’s such a kiss ass to your boss too. She’s probably over at his house right now drinking wine and getting that promotion. You rubbed your temples trying to erase the thought.

Running the bath water, you pour in some lavender bubble bath. The water is boiling, just the way you like it as you sink into tub. A hissing sound coming through your teeth as your skin burned, but your muscles relaxed instantly under the heat. You laid your head back and started to sort through your thoughts. Easing your mind.

'ᴛʜᴜᴅ'

You jumped at the-heart dropping-sound coming through your ceiling. Groaning in annoyance. Your upstairs neighbors were the loudest people in this apartment building. You heard more bangs and crashes.

What the fuck are they doing up there?

The noises disappeared after a few minutes, and you finished your bath in peace.

You put on your robe and flip your hair up into a towel . You settle into your bed with some wine and Netflix on your laptop.

Midway through Sabrina, the boys upstairs started on their bullshit again. This time you were more upset, glancing over at the time, 11:29 pm. You just wanted to finish an episode before bed.

You could hear the vague gunshot sounds of video games. But it was the shouting that got to you.

You turn up you volume as high as it could go, thinking it would drown out those annoying boys in 305.

“Jimin!!! I’m dying over here!”

That was it! You slammed your laptop shut and stormed out of your apartment to the stairwell, marching right up to their door. Pounding on it.

The door opens.

Jimins Pov

“God damnit Kook! You ate all the scooby doo fruit snacks!”

“No I didn’t!” Jungkook shouted from the living room. “Check the fridge,” he fiddled his thumbs over his controller. Engulfed in the game he’s been binging all day.

“Why would they be in the fridge?” Jimin shook his head as he open the door to see. Yup. The box of fruit snacks next to the milk.

Grabbing a couple packs and venturing into the living room, glancing out the window to the parking lot.

“You’re such a creep!” Jungkook teased.

“Am not!”

“Oh - so your not checking to see if the girl from the second floor is coming home. Like you do every night at this time.” Kookie opened his mouth gesturing for Jimin to feed him a Scooby snack.

“Mind your own business,” he popped one in Jungkooks mouth before dumping the rest of the pack into his.

“Ehh they changed the formula!” Jimin clenched his jaw. Not expecting the flavors.

“No they didn’t,”

“Yes they did, taste them!”

“They taste like a fruit snack,” Jungkook snatched another pack from Jimins hands.

“No they don’t They taste different!” He examined the packaging ripping the corner and pouring the candies out in his palm. Looking closely at them. “See!” He picked up the blue Scooby, “this one is supposed to be mallowed!” Jimin grew angry. “Why would they change them!?”

“Chill dude, it’s not that big of a deal.” Kookie leaned forward to the screen. Jimin pushed Jungkook. “Hey!? What the fuck you made me die!”

Jimin just laughed at him, covering his mouth full of gummies. Jungkook retaliated, smacking him in the shoulder. Jimins smile disappears and his eyes freeze, staring down his younger friend. Jungkook gulped.

Jimin tackles Kookie to the floor. Jabbing him in his ribs. Making Jungkook laugh in pain.

“Do you even know her name?”

Jimin got defensive, kookie always teased him about that girl the floor below them. He’d always see her in the elevator or greet her at the front doors, but no, he did not know her name. She seemed so out of his league and uninterested.

They both were yelling at the tv, pushing each other to try and sabotage one another. Jimin got up to get some drinks, Kookie yells at the tv. Disappointed loosing his kill streak.

Jimin grabbed some gatorades and ventured back to the living room when a loud and persistent knock startled him. Jungkook looked over to Jimin in shock. “Who could that be?” He asked, looking over at the clock. It being so late.

Jimin strides over to the door, the person still violently knocking. He peeks through the peephole and turns on his heels to Jungkook staring at him in confusion. “What? Who is it!”

“Apartment 302” Jimin swallowed a lump in his throat and ran his hands through his hair, before opening the door to a half naked, wearing only a silk robe, loosely wrapped around her body, girl from the 2nd floor.

YN Pov

“Hey, my name is YN, I am your neighbor from below.” You pointed down at the floor.

He just stared at you.

“I’m so sorry to bother you, but I have been hearing yelling and bangs coming from upstairs all night, I’ve been just trying to relax,” you were too busy blowing your head off you didn’t even notice your attire in front of this stranger. He made it clear to you by the way his eyes soaked you up head to toe. Looking down and noticing the valley of your chest exposed. The robe you were wearing was so sheer that it wasn’t hard to see your nipples, but the satin definitely shows off your piercings elegantly. The robe cut off right at your mid thigh with a hint of lace. Suddenly feeling very embarrassed and vulnerable, your brain deciding back and forth between flight or fight response. It was almost like you shut down.

Just standing there.

Dead in his gaze.

Your stomach dropped, and your heart raced, you were going to get the fuck out of there, turning away, red in the face. When you saw a woman coming out of the elevator. Oh shit. More people to see you practically naked.

You felt your shoulder pull back, Jimin grabbed you from behind, pulling you inside, he shut the door quickly. Peeking out of the peep hole, “Its Mrs, Newbermin,” he said into the door. Watching the lady in the hallway.

You were still in his arm, he held you tightly to his chest. If it wasnt hard enough to breathe from the anxiety, you started to get light headed. “She locked her self out again,” he laughed, then looked down at you. You stared at him doe eyed. He licked his lower lip and smiled at you, “that was a close one..”

You tried to put words together, but honestly this whole situation made you speechless, trying to sort through the many emotions you were feeling right now.

He was reading your face, and you thought he’d let go of you, but he didn’t. You moved your hands to his chest, ready to push yourself out of his grip. But the next thing you knew you’re lips were locked in a heated kiss. You couldn’t tell who kissed who first. It felt mutual and natural. Unlocking the kiss, he smiled at you again.

“I’m Jimin.”

“Uh hi, Jimin, I’m YN...” you zoned yourself out processing the chain of events. “Uh okay,” you backed up and he let you go. “Well, its been fun, please keep it down,” you reached for the door handle.

“No stay,” Jimin pulled on your arm.

“I’m sorry, but this has been really weird....” and sexually frustrating, because you can admit to doing double takes on Jimin in passing. He was hot, and he clearly wanted something from you. It was probably the robe.

You haven’t had sex in months, and he was fucking gorgeous and you knew he wanted you. Right now.

You grabbed his face and took his lips and claimed them yours. He pressed your body into the door. His hands finding their way into your robe, gripping your waist in angst. The satin falling off your shoulders leaving your breasts exposed, he trails kisses down your skin, as he falls to his knees in front of you, kissing at your stomach, your fingers running through his silver hair. Your chest falling and rising in a heavy breath, his lips kissing over your mound. Your eyes focused on what he was doing.

“Get a fucking room!”

Your eyes shot up, and a cold chill froze you to the doorframe. You forgot he had a roommate.

Jimin whipped his head back and laughed, before standing up, and holding out his hand. “Jungkook how long have you been standing there.”

You tried to cover up your breasts, like he hadn’t probably been standing there the whole time. “Come on baby, we probably should get a room.” He winked at you.

“Or you could come to my room,” Jungkook smirked.

What a cocky fucker, you thought. The raven haired boy, gave you the same look that jimin did only he bit on his lower lip. You could tell he was athletic with his physique, he adjusted his stance, trying to hide the hard on in his sweats. You dropped your arms revealing yourself again, the satin of your robe draped at your elbows, you placed your hands on your hips, “Where is your room?” Your voice slightly sarcastic.

Jungkook smiles at you, his lower lip still in his bite. “I could see why you talk about her all the time, she’s hot.” He eyed up your body again, but you didn’t feel the need to hide from him. His gaze building the fire in your core.

Jimin tugged at your panty line, snapping back to your skin. He played with the skin above with his finger tip, trailing soft lines in your stomach, his head tilted and a devilish grin on his face,. “Do you want to go to Kookie’s room baby?”

You didn’t hesitate this time, nodding your head slightly. Jungkooks excitement showing through his face. He pulled on your hand and led you though the appartment. Twirling you around in the center of the living room, before pulling you in for a kiss. Jungkooks kiss was more firm and impatient, trying to ease his tongue in your mouth, you happily complied. Sucking on the tip. He groaned, and leaned over to pick you up, your legs wrapped around his waist still connected in a kiss as he carried you to his bed. Throwing you on the bed like it was nothing to him. Jimin followed behind.

“Jimins been fantasizing about this moment since you’ve moved in, he should be first.” Jungkook laid at your side, and kissed the sensitive skin behind your ear.

Jimin dragged his fingers along your curves, before hooking them in your panties and pulling them down your smooth legs. A hand spreading you at your thighs. He crawled in-between your legs and looked at you. It was like he was drooling over the sight of you, he dipped his head down, and lightly kissed at your clit. Before sucking softly on the tender bud,just enough pressure to send the blood rushing to your head. You let out a sigh of relief, the bath didn’t relax you as much as his tongue did. This was just what you need. Jungkook pinched at your nipples. Playing with the rings.

Jimins tongue parted through your sex, spreading your lips, lapping down at your entrance. Small tickles at first, then he flattened his tongue and in one long slide, licking up your slit. He was eating you out like you were candy to him. His plump upper lip passing over your clit, sending small sensations to your core. The knot tightening every second. About to snap.

Squirming in the bed “Jimin,” you moaned.

Jungkook must have gotten jealous because he pushed Jimins face away from your pussy and leaned over to kitten lick your clit.

“Ahh Kook!”

“See she likes it better like this,” Kookie breathed into your heat. Sitting himself back up on the bed, locking eye contact with you, you felt a finger circle at your entrance. You glanced over at Jimin, who looked a little disappointed and impatient. You weren’t going to complain over these two very gorgeous boys fighting over your pleasure, but you felt a little bad. You propped yourself up from your elbows,

“I shouldn’t be the only one getting off, come here Jimin,” you bit your lip and glanced down at his crotch. He got the hint quickly, ridding himself of his tight jeans. He held himself in his palm, and you grabbed his hips, pulling him closer to your mouth. Licking the tip, before blowing on it, he hissed from the torture, your tongue just outlining the thick pink head.

You saw Kookie watching you two, as his fingers were now deep inside you. Curling up into your g spot. Causing your juices to flow, allowing him to add a third finger. Stretching you out for him, he uses his other hand to free himself. His cock was thicker than Jimins, but Jimins head was so plump. You sucked on him like a lolly pop.

Jimin stared down at you, running his fingers through his hair. Licking his lower lip. “God your mouth YN,” he smiled, “feels so good baby,”

Your attention was pulled away from the feeling of Jungkooks dick, sliding through your pussy, lubing himself up with your essence. Lightly pressing his own head into your clit. Making you ache, clenching around nothing.

You bucked your hips up, trying to get him to enter you. He just teased your tender skin.

Jimins hands were now on the back of your head, pulling you closer to him. You swallowed his length. Gagging from the tip of his dick poking the back of your throat. Once you started chokingon Jimins cock, that’s when Jungkook seized his moment and pushed himself into you.

“Ah i can feel your moans on my dick YN, does Jungkookies dick feel that good?” Jimin rode his hips into your face.

You tried to nod ‘yes’, but ended up taking in more of Jimins dick.

Jungkooks firm hands found your sides and he flipped you over on your knees. Getting behind you and entering you again. Thrusting like a jack rabbit into you. Each thrust pushing you forward to gag on Jimin more, and more, but you loved it. You were going to burst soon. A few more deep thrusts was enough to make you a coming shaky mess.

ғɪɴ

[marsupials-of-mars]

Graying

Synopsis: From the initial split at childhood all the way through present day, a collection of days in the life of Remus as we get to know why he is how he is now, and how he got his white streak.

Warnings: gore, blood, sexual reference, poison, angst

7/8/94

Creativity woke up in a cold sweat. Creativity also woke up in a cold sweat. They looked at one another. That wasn't right. Wrong. bad. The mindscape felt conflicted, and everyone was looking at him. At them. One thought rang in Creativity's mind, something that had been there before he woke up. He smiled and shouted:

"Poopyhead!"

"No!" Virgil squealed and covered his ears.

Creativity's face fell. It came back to him. He'd been just one person, moments before. Five year old Thomas was arguing with his mom and needed something to call her, because she was being very unfair. No dessert, she'd said, and that wasn't fair. Deceit had said so. So Creativity had made up the perfect name.

"Poopyhead!"

"NO!" Everyone had yelled at him at once, and it hurt his ears, and his head.

"We'll get in trouble!"

"That's really mean!"

"We definitely won't get dessert!"

Virgil, then Patton, then Logan, all hated his idea, and it hurt, and it hurt more, until he felt his brain tear apart. And he woke up in two pieces. The sides all grouped around Creativity, but not him. The other one. The one with the name. The name that Creativity himself didn't feel like he had anymore. Around Roman. Roman was bright red again, not the icky pukey color he'd been fading into recently. The gross color that happened when you color a green marker over a red marker. He must have gotten the green marker out of him. With that thought, Creativity looked down at himself. He felt his heart fall into his stomach. He was the green marker. The ruiner. His bangs fell into his face, and a flash of silver caught his eye. One grey hair. And Thomas didn't say "poopyhead". Instead he said;

"I'll make you a drawing for it!"

9/20/97

Remus hung his head off the edge of the top bunk, playing with his costume's few new baubles and frills, watching Roman scribble furiously. Thomas had been assigned a Young Author's book, a story he had to write all by himself. It was very exciting, but Roman had insisted he would do it himself. From what Remus could tell he was basing it off of The Little Mermaid. Remus usually stayed quiet at this point, whispers or nothing, his pinch of silver hair a constant reminder of the pain of daring to contribute. But he had such a good idea, and Thomas wouldn't be the best writer in the class without it!

"Flounder gets eaten by an eel! And he dies!"

Roman spun to look up at him in horror and disgust. "NO! It's my story and that's not what happens!"

And Remus heard shouts around the mind as Thomas experienced the thought, and though distant, he heard them all clear as day.

"That's so sad, nooo!"

"We'd get in trouble with the teacher!"

"We definitely wont win if we get disqualified!"

Again, sharp pain, stabbing into his head, pressure, squeezing, piercing. He gripped his head and whined.

"Fine! Do it your way! Fartface!" He pouted as another sandy hair drained of color. He decided it was best to just stay quiet no matter what.

4/5/01

Remus played with his hair, again trying to pluck the greys only to have another immediately grow back in their place. Still, he'd developed an enjoyment of the zap of pain at each pluck, escalating to tearing out larger chunks of hair and scratching tick tac toes into his thighs, watching the white marks fade to dark pink. It was something to do when nobody liked him, nobody wanted to talk to him, when a part of the mind wasn't allowed to do his job. He giggled and turned his attention to his new outfit, now a bit more glittery, frilly, crazy. He felt it was missing something. Before he could determine what, he was called to attention. Thomas was upset. He joined the others down in the common area to view what the body was doing. Thomas stood in front of one of his friends, Hannah maybe. Remus didn't care to keep track, why would he if he wasnt allowed to interact with them? But she wasn't being very friendly. She was yelling, something not true that she thought Thomas did, that he hit her maybe. She was saying she would tell the teacher. Patton was trying to reason and pacify, Deceit was ranting about how unfair it all was, Virgil was on the verge of tears. Roman was trying to find a way out of it, but to no avail. Remus growled. Thomas was upset, and he had an idea to help him. And he would say it, no matter the pain he knew would come with it, because nobody else was helping. He cleared his throat, almost rusty from lack of use after committing to being selectively mute for nearly four years now, squeaky and grating and unfamiliar. He pushed to the middle of the group and yelled, the group all startling at the new voice;

"KICK HER TEETH OUT!"

And the room went silent a moment. And Remus felt something. acknowledgment. Thomas winced. Thomas had heard him. Thomas had thought his thought. And that euphoria carried Remus through the onslaught of reprimanding by the others, the headache and the pain, and the three grey hairs that sprouted at once. He was all but shoved back into his room, in a blur. Rather than laying down (in his bed now fully across the room from Roman's), he conjured a little eleven year old girl, with a very kickable face. And he kicked her teeth out. And there was blood, and it felt good. He took the handful of teeth, thinking over his recent dissatisfaction with his outfit. He took some superglue, and bedazzled his uniform with the bloodied, bony gems. He felt better. This felt better. If merely kicking a stranger felt that cathartic... He conjured a Patton, then a Logan, a Virgil, a Roman and a Deceit for good measure. And finally a knife. And he used it. And he felt so, so much better, his vocal cords aching from sudden use as he laughed, and hollered his battle cries. Blood, so much blood of all colors of the rainbow. And he was loud, because he wanted to be, because he wasn't ever allowed to be this loud before, and because he wasn't ever allowed, he wanted to be. He wanted to be LOUD. He was so loud that he couldn't hear the footsteps approaching his door, that he couldn't hear the click of the latch, that he could barely hear his brother's scream of horror upon entering the room. Barely.

10/20/04

Remus ran circles around Deceit, trying to annoy him into submission, his tassels and sequins and beads jingling against his oufit as he danced about. He grabbed his friend's shoulders, shaking him, wrapping him in mucus laden tentacles and threatening disgusting and/or violent methods of persuasion. Deceit just calmly shook his head through it all.

"I can't allow that, and I'll continue to say it, your whining isn't as tough on my resolve as you think it is. I live with you. You're forgetting that most of these aren't really threats as much as typical weekday activities."

"Come OOON! He wants it, you want it, Roman and Patton wont admit it but OH how they want it-"

"NO. You don't think high school is hard enough already without that on his plate? He'd get torn to shreds! Chewed up and spit out! But clearly you dont care about his wellbeing..."

Remus felt as if a sword had been plunged through his chest. "I DON'T CA-?! Is that what you think of me?! I want him to be happy, and what would make him REAL happy is getting himself some dick!"

Deceit winced. "REMUS ENOUGH. Not the time, Not the place! End of conversation!"

Remus scoffed in disbelief. "LOOK at me! Look at Roman! You can't look at us with a straight face and think 'yep, straight, end of conversation'!"

"I'm not SAYING he's straight, I'm saying he doesn't need to know otherwise right now!"

"And wrapping it all up in some pussy with a little gift bow on top for when he's old enough to regret never being raw and honest with himself is better for him?!"

"He's in high school, he has a lot on his plate, we don't have the time or emotional stability for 'raw and honest!!!'"

Remus's face was hot and red, he sputtered out what could have been words if he wasn't so infuriated.

"FINE. That IS what you would want wouldn't it be DECEIT?!" He turned on his heel.

"Don't you 'Deceit' me! You know my name!"

"You're right! Maybe if you ever try a tactic other than repression and lies I'll try it out! As it stands, I'm taking this into my own hands! Oh! That rhymed!" Remus giggled.

Deceit threw up his hands. "Try! I dare you! You know what happens!"

"Oh of course I know! You all gang up and torture me for every suggestion I make! But that doesn't keep me from making them! Watch me! I like the pain! I'll jerk it to that shit if it means I get my ideas out! You can watch, I won't mind, but if you'd rather finally stay out of my way and let me do my job I'd take that too!"

It was Deceit's turn to flush with rage. But Remus didn't stick around to watch. He sprinted up to the main area and looked out the eyes of the body. And there he was. A boy, tall and tan and gorgeous, one lunch table away. Thomas was staring. Remus had one shot to bust through. He took a breath and spoke softly;

"It's just you and me Thomas. Nobody else knows what you need right now. But I do. And I want you to be happy. I always have." He cleared his throat, thinking suave, thinking tact. He paused. The others could block out tact couldn't they? He needed something loud and awful. He needed Thomas to start thinking, just to consider. He was better at loud and awful anyway.

The boy stretched, arms behind his head, his shirt lifting just enough to show a glimpse of his abs. Remus drooled. Perfect.

"BEND HIM OVER THAT TABLE AND FUCK HIM HERE AND NOW!"

Thomas choked, the bite of sandwich he'd just taken suddenly tasting sour and mushy in his mouth.

Remus felt the onslaught of reprimands coming at him from all directions.

"That's not right!"

"What would our parents say?!"

"We can't afford to think about this right now!"

His brain ached, his stomach turned, he felt as if needles were plunging into his skull from all angles. A folicle drained of pigment. But he was beaming. Thomas was thinking. And Deceit was useless to stop him. He felt arms grab him from behind, restraining his legs, his arms, keeping him from whipping his head back to dislocate a jaw. Six arms.

"How fun! My bestest friend came to watch after all! How's the repression going hm? Why arent you cutting him off? Why is he THINKING?" Remus teased as the pounding in his head only got louder and heavier, and two more hairs lost color. He suddenly felt fangs in his neck, piercing deep, venom seeping into his bloodstream. Remus moaned. "Deceit! I forgot you were into-" The effort of speaking became too much, his jaw exhausting with the rest of him.

The venom, which Remus had so lovingly taken to calling "dreamkiller", had a tendency to put him to sleep, killing his suggested train of thought almost instantly.

Remus watched Thomas start to hum to distract himself as he drifted off. Thomas's train of thought could die. That was fine. Because it would not be forgotten. He could be shut down, hurt, repressed, all they wanted to repress him. But now he could be heard. He could get through when he wanted. He could intrude. And that was all he needed.

4/3/09

Remus leapt like a trained ballerina about his pigsty of a room, twirling with ax in hand, gleefully slaughtering actual pigs. He was in a good mood, because Thomas was in a good mood. Thomas was eating lunch outside, leaned up against a cement campus building warmed by sun, his boyfriend by his side. They were chatting about majors, clearly a Logan-centric conversation, but Roman and Patton were also apparently hard at work with the amount of puppy love and flirting going on between the lines. Remus delighted in knowing he had a part in it, no matter how small it really was. The flint to the fire maybe.

The happy mood suddenly shifted into something less nice. Remus huffed. What went wrong? He made his way up to the main area, dripping with blood. Thomas was saying his goodbyes. He had a class to go to. Remus pouted. They were having such a good time! He pushed between Logan, Patton, and Roman.

"Remus? What could you possibly want to do?!" Roman grabbed for Remus's sash but he shook him off.

"We're merely parting for class, leaving this conversation to be resumed at a later time. I pose the same question." Logan didn't bother to try to stop Remus but looked at him quizzically.

"Fuck school. Just getting something out of my system." Remus readied himself. The others braced, Patton and Roman attempting to pull him back.

"DISEMBOWEL THE PROFESSOR! GOUGE HIS EYES OUT WITH YOUR PENCILS AND CRUSH HIS SKULL WITH YOUR OVERPRICED TEXTBOOKS! BATHE IN HIS BLOOD!"

"Jesus christ!" Roman tackled him to the ground. "Where did that come from?!" Patton held his hands over his mouth in shock. Even Logan seemed queasy.

Once again as usual, pressure in his brain, stabbing, burning, gut-twisting as they scolded. Two hairs lost pigment. Nearly all of his bangs were white at this point. He barely noticed the stress on his body anymore, he was used to it. Not that it didnt hurt.

"I HATE class. It's no fun!"

Roman lifted him over his shoulder and began marching him down to his room, the others following.

"Everybody hates class!" Logan began to speak but Roman cut him off. "Everyone but Logan. But that was WAY too extreme! You need to chill! You've been getting worse and worse, especially since classes started! what is UP with you?!"

Remus would have spoken if he'd known the answer. He thought back. His contributions HAD been more explicit and exciting recently. Maybe Thomas was just maturing and taking his thoughts with him. But he had been doing it more and more, suggesting bigger and bigger things. Everything about him was more extreme, had been getting more extreme over all of Thomas's years. His oufit, his ideas, his casual day to day actions... his gray streak. He brought his hand to his bangs. Buildup. That was what. Roman dumped him into his room.

"Whatever it is, figure it out. Thomas is stressed out already, he doesnt need your wicked suggestions."

"He doesn't need them, but arent they exciting?!" Remus grinned before the door was slammed in his face.

He sighed and got up, with a bit of difficulty considering the slick pig guts across his carpet, and flopped onto his bed. He played with his attempted facial hair for a moment, the few hairs he insisted would one day form a magnificent moustache to be jealous of, no matter all of Logan's insistence that Thomas didnt have the hair-growing capacity. It was coming along well enough. He considered his life. Thomas's resolve to be family friendly, to be a "good person" inside and out, every thought he had. But he was twenty, Remus should have some say over his creativity. But every suggestion was either too violent, too gross, too X-rated, according to the others. But he couldn't help it. He had to be loud and awful, it was the only way he got through. He would have loved if the others let him be the half of creativity he could be, but as it stood to this point, he had to intrude. He was conditioned to intrude. It was what he knew. And thinking about it, he wasn't sure he would be able to just be "bad creativity" anymore. He was retitled, the way Logan referred to him. Intrusive thoughts. And he liked that, he was his own entity, not just Roman's brother, not just the twin as his name entailed. He could do something that made a difference, that made Thomas stop in his tracks, and sweat, and panic, and question. An override. Everything stopped for his ideas. He liked that. But he couldn't help but wonder what would have happened if it didn't hurt so bad. What he would have become.

But he liked what he did. He loved it. Maybe if he kept telling himself that, he'd believe it. That always seemed to work for Thomas, didn't it?

6/26/19

Remus could hardly breathe. He must have heard wrong.

"I can what?"

"I'm letting you out, you get to join the group with Thomas tomorrow. They're meeting for a video. I need you to do your worst, prove to Thomas that there are things worth hiding from himself. He wants to be more honest with himself and more 'direct' in dealing with his issues. I'm stepping back. I won't deceive him about the ugliness within him if he doesn't want me to. He's on his own."

Ouch. Not the best mission for his ego. But if he agreed he got revealed. Thomas would see him. Thomas would know him.

"DEAL!" He hopped from foot to foot. "I need to prepare! I'll be on my worst behavior, you can count on me!"

"I always know i can."

Bullshit. A clear lie, but Remus felt it was best not to antagonize Deceit while he was prone to changing his mind.

"They sing right?! I'm gonna write a song!" He immediatly started brainstorming, an introduction, everything he wanted Thomas to know about him.

Deceit sighed. "You dont have to write-"

"I will! I'm writing a song and it'll be better than anything Roman has ever sang! Anything anyone has ever sang! Watch me! If I can get Thomas sleep deprived, I could probably force them all into nightmare mode! Choreographed! It's going to be CHOREOGRAPHED!" He twirled excitedly, squealing with delight, his frills flying up in a tornado of sparkles.

"Don't lose sight of why you're there. Convince him that you need to be hidden, don't let yourself or anyone else distract you."

"Yeah yeah, I get it- OH I get to stand in Roman's spot don't I?! And I can GET RID of him from said spot?!"

"Yes, but don't get distracted!"

"I won't OKAY?! I'll do my disgusting, smelly, loud, ugly thing okay?! But let me have fun! That's where I thrive!"

Deceit paused before nodding. "I can not argue with that. You'll need to set up the conversation. I promise-" Deceit held his hands up to prove his fingers weren't crossed. "-that I won't work to repress you tonight. Say whatever you'd like, don't let anyone stop you. Wear them down."

Easy for him to say, he'd never had to continue a train of thought while being attacked from all sides, feeling like his brain was about to explode. But Remus could take it. It sounded like a lot of fun, an opportunity to have Thomas think his thoughts for a whole night rather than a minute or two. He had some ideas and opinions to share anyway.

"That whole wedding situation is pretty fucked up isn't it?"

Deceit groaned. "Tell me about it."

"What if instead of worrying about their feelings..." He twisted his moustache in consideration. "We stab both Lee and Mary-Lee twenty-three times each in the chest and leave them to bleed out in the bathtub?"

Deceit cringed. "That would do it. Talk their ears off about that. Remember, the point is that I won't be involved. Traumatize to your little blackened heart's content."

Remus nodded. "Got it." He thought a moment. "Holy shit, I get THEME MUSIC don't I?!"

Deceit pinched the bridge of his nose. "Just... go do your thing."

"Aye-Aye!"

Remus spent the rest of the night up until Thomas went to bed writing his song, practicing his social skills, warming up his voice, making sure he was as entertainingly unlikable as possible. Sure he had to do Deceit's dirty work, but he wanted Thomas to understand him, in whatever way he could be understood. And he would be loud.

Loud for Thomas to hear.

6/28/19

Deceit pounded on the door. "Remus come on! Tell me what happened up there!"

Remus curled in his crumb and stain-ridden bed, exhausted. He groaned and unlocked the door with a flip of his wrist. Deceit slithered in, artfully dodging all the slimy and sharp things strewn across the floor; bear traps, the occasional boar dropping, etcetera.

"So? It clearly didn't go well."

"I dunno scales-for-sale, didn't it? I wasn't paying attention, you can have the honor of telling me cause I'm unsure."

"Well it didn't go my way."

"Nothing ever does, huh?" Remus smirked. He took some solace in someone other than himself having so much trouble with the others. He smacked his lips loudly. "My mouth tastes like deodorant..."

Deceit rolled his eyes. "Good for you. I'm so jealous."

"I know right?!"

"So what did you do wrong?" He squinted accusingly. Remus gasped, offended.

"Who's to say I did anything wrong?!"

"It was a pretty damn simple task! Be yourself, annoy and horrify everyone in your general vicinity!"

"Maybe they're all just amazingly difficult! You can vouch for that cant you?"

Deceit huffed. "I suppose that's believable... who threw it off then?"

Remus rolled his eyes. "Logan. Dull one with the star fetish?"

"I'm aware who Logan is."

Remus layed his head back and threw his hands up. "He convinced Thomas that I'm irrelevant! That my contributions are nothing, that they don't mean anything to him! To IGNORE me!"

Deceit considered. "So how did that fail me in my efforts?"

"He convinced Thomas that repression doesn't work, that intrusive thoughts don't mean anything and that if he let them pass on without beating himself up about them, or without Patton and Virgil beating him up, that he'd be healthier! Just ignore me is what he said!"

Deceit growled, only succeeding in pacifying himself by taking a long breath in through his nose. "Okay then. Plan C."

"Easy for you to just move right along! My life is ruined! Thomas will never consider anything I say again! If I try to say anything he'll just brush me off! Without stopping, without sweating, without panicking, without trying to-" Remus stopped. He'd forgotten to consider. "...Without trying to... REPRESS me..." He felt his spirits rise, felt his hopes shoot up like fireworks, crackling warm and explosive in his chest. He bolted upright.

"Okay, you go do your Plan C, I have an experiment to conduct!"

Deceit left the room deep in thought. "Mhm just don't set anything on fire this time..."

Remus grinned and jumped out of bed. He sprinted up to the main area. Patton and Virgil were already there, assisting Thomas in helping a friend clean some gutters. His friend was on a ladder, a tippy, terrifying ladder. Patton was praising Thomas for holding the ladder steady while Virgil was passionately explaining the repercussions of failing to do so. Being jailed for manslaughter and the like.

Remus popped up between them, startling them both to momentary screams before they recognized him.

"Remus!" Patton crossed his arms. "Give a little warning at least!

"Hey! Mind if I sneak a few words in? Good! Me neither!" He ducked under Patton and Virgil's attempts to keep him back. "We're all friends here now, right? No need for all that! Just saying my piece. my worthless piece as Mr. Peabuddy would call it!"

Virgil was staring daggers at him but backed off. Patton was a bit more hesitant, but complied.

"See? We're getting along like nobody's business!" Remus beamed at the lack of force needed to find a good spot. He cleared his throat.

"SHAKE HIM OFF THE LADDER AND DELIGHT IN THE CRUNCH OF HIS SHATTERING BONES!"

Remus braced himself. He looked from Virgil to Patton, both their faces drawn taut and restrained and their hands balled into white-knuckled fists. They weren't scolding him. And it didn't hurt. No headache, no stomach turning, no sharp stabbing pains. He reached for his bangs. His unchanged, just as grey as before bangs. His breath caught in his throat. Just when he thought it couldn't get any better:

"Remus, bud, could you calm down?" Thomas mumbled under his breath. Remus froze. His name. That was his name. Thomas knew him. Thomas heard him, and Thomas let him speak. "You don't have to yell, you know. I'm not doing that anyway so save your voice. I can hear you just fine."

Remus blinked. Should he respond?

"But if I don't yell... how will I KNOW you can hear me?"

"Nobody's talking over you now are they?"

Remus fell silent. He looked back at Virgil and Patton, neither of whom were trying to drown him out. Thomas seemed to take that as his cue to stop talking to himself. Remus took a few hesitant steps backward and let the other two take back their places. Thomas hadn't done what he suggested. He hadn't stopped, or panicked, or begun to sweat. By all means this was the last thing Remus had told himself that he'd want. But he'd been heard. He'd been HEARD. And he hadn't been punished for it. He was part of Thomas, according to Thomas. Maybe not how he'd pictured it, but it felt so wonderful. It was a wonderful thing to be. With his experiment concluded, he stumbled absentmindedly back down the hall, lost in thought. He bumped into Roman halfway down, throwing him off gaurd. He conjured an array of weapons as reflex upon identifying his obstacle. Roman drew his sword.

"Wicked twin of mine, we meet again!"

"Aw, I love this little back and forth we've got! We're such a cute pair." Remus sharpened back into normality. With a snap he arranged his weapons onto a colorful lottery wheel. "Take a spin, pick me a winner, I'm not partial to any one of these goodies!"

Roman grabbed Remus's shoulder instead, an unsettlingly familial gesture that Remus wasn't quite accustomed too. The wheel vanished, leaving the weapons to clatter to the ground before they too vanished one by one. Roman sheathed his sword. He sighed.

"Wait, while I've got you here, I've been meaning to talk to you... well it wasn't my choice really, but Joan and Thomas have been planning this new song, about a gay Disney prince?"

Remus clapped his fingertips, responding in a cheery tone: "Oh how exciting! Fuck you! I thought we agreed that you don't get to let me in on these things if you don't ever plan on letting me help! What a fun fun example of something I'd theoretically adore! I'll kill you! Not even going to hesitate!" He summoned a dagger into his hand.

"I know, I know, calm down a sec Trashley Olsen! That's the point."

"Hm?" Remus lowered his weapon.

"Thomas wanted me to..." Roman groaned. "This project, there are bits where he wants to go a bit less family friendly. Since yesterday he's been considering being more... ADULT in his content. To 'challenge his viewership' as you put it. So..." Roman avoided eye contact.

Remus let the dagger fall to the floor, unconsciously leaning forward in anticipation. This had to be a joke. He couldn't possibly mean... "So...?"

Roman took a deep, frustrated breath. "So we're working on a project. Together. For the channel."

Remus nearly blacked out. He was suddenly on his knees without any memory of falling, his face was suddenly wet and salty without memory of how. He was shaking, and crying, and so, SO incredibly happy.

"Woah, woah, woah!" He felt Roman grab his shoulders, knelt in front of him though Remus could hardly see through the watery euphoria. "What's going on?"

"Twist my arm why dontcha?!" Remus broke into a fit of giggles, slumping against Roman. Roman rubbed the back of his shoulder awkwardly, unsure of how to react, which only made Remus laugh harder.

"So you're in? Or..." Roman tried to discreetly pull away, only to be restrained in a bundle of tentacles.

"I AM, TO INFINITE AND UNIMAGINABLE EXTENTS, IN!" He lifted Roman off the ground and twirled him about before tossing him back off in the direction of his room. He sprinted, twirled and danced merrily back to his own room, passing Deceit on the way, nearly barreling into him.

"What's gotten into you?!"

Remus gripped his bangs and called back to him: "LIFE!"

He cannonballed onto his bed, unfurling into an exhausted starfish. Life. New life. Creativity. Not Intrusive Thoughts, not Bad Creativity, but CREATIVITY. He finally had a job, a purpose, an outlet. And he could be as loud as he wanted. But maybe the best part was that he didn't NEED to be loud anymore. Whether or not he would ever be quiet again remained to be seen, but right then, just to know the fact that he could speak, converse, WHISPER, and be HEARD... it was a wonderful thought to think.

[ua-monoma]

.10.20.

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

...

v-shinsou

[shinsou is online]

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

Oh...

v-shinsou

...

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

...

Hello again...

v-shinsou

... hello

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

I wasn't sure if you'd come back.

You seemed pretty adamant to avoid talking with us the last time...

v-shinsou

well, surprise or whatever...

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

Yeah...

v-shinsou

yeah...

not like i have many other options

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

Hahahahahaa.

Yeah.

v-shinsou

yeah...

youre one of the ones that are... supposed to be here, right?

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

That's some... interesting wording... What does that mean?

v-shinsou

youre not from another timeline or whatever, right?

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

Oh. No. I'm not.

v-shinsou

huh...

you were a hero student, right?

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

Am.

I'm... currently taking a bit of a leave of absence, ahahaa... A personal vacation.... hahaha.

v-shinsou

a vacation to... here?

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

Haha. Ha.

...hehehe...

Yes, it's a little ridiculous when you put it like that, ha...

v-shinsou

... yeah...

why? [deleted]

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█ ...

v-shinsou

...

shouldnt you maybe... not admit to still considering yourself a hero student in here?

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

... Hm?

Oh... Perhaps you're right, I suppose I should keep the delusion I'm operating under more of a secret, a private... thing....

But then I'd miss all the opportunities for such delightful pity... Oh, poor Monoma, so broken, he still doesn't realize, hahahaa, let's coddle him and do what we can...

No, you're right, there are better strategies, I suppose... I suppose I. Oh. ... yes... I suppose I've been slipping....

v-shinsou

yeah...

normally, saying that kind of stuff is how you get tortured or just... disappear.

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

Maybe that's what I want.

I've got such a penchant for being tortured, after all! I was thinking of making it a career of sorts, actually...

Not very familiar with the underground, but I'm sure there's a thriving business there for that very thing...

Not that my captors here would allow me to be shared in such a way, oh no, all so selfish, ahaha...

v-todoroki

Neito...

v-shinsou

...

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

Todoroki-kun! Hello... I was just thinking about you.

v-todoroki

Were you?...I've been worrying about you.

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

Worried...? Ah.

Why? Hm.

Well, I'm glad you're here... I wanted to tell you that I missed you. Too.

I miss you, too. Haha.

...Don't be worried about me...

v-todoroki

I am. I will be.

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

Why...?

v-todoroki

I care about you.

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

... Aha... oh.

v-shinsou

gross... [deleted]

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

...

v-todoroki

Keep in touch. If I can help let me know.

[shouto. is idle.]

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

...

v-shinsou

ugh...

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

Aha... My apologies... having such a conversation in front of a third party... not the most considerate of us...

v-shinsou

whatever...

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

...

v-shinsou

youre certainly...something... for a hero student

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

... I'll take that as a compliment.

v-shinsou

...

it wasnt one. [deleted]

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█ ...

Ah. Anyway.

Enough about me,,,

Have you gotten used to our universe yet? I understand it's a jarring experience...

v-shinsou

what kind of question is that...

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

Um.

v-shinsou

no, i havent

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

Okay... sorry.

v-shinsou

...

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

I didn't... mean to offend... just thought it'd be a topic of conversation, maybe...

Sorry.

I'll just stop trying. Stop... talking. A...ha... ah...

This is so wrong, I hate it, I don't remember this being so hard...

v-shinsou

what are you on about?

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

Sorry.

v-shinsou

whatever...

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

Habit, bad habit...

v-shinsou

friendly reminder, im not the version of me youre used to

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

...

v-shinsou

you should get used to that instead of pretending, hero student

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

Okay. Sorry.

v-shinsou

mhhm...

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

It's... an adjustment... I just have to adjust... alright...

v-shinsou

yeah.

whatever...

it's certainly not nice to be dropped into a completely different timeline where i have like, virtually nothing.

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

... Yes... I'm sure that'd be at least moderately terrible...

v-shinsou

yeah, moderately...

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

Aha...

v-shinsou

what?

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

Nothing in particular...

v-shinsou

that so?

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

If you really wanted to analyze my every reason for laughing, we'd be here all night and day, probably...

Not that I'd mind that, I suppose...

Ahah.

v-shinsou

...

id have to care about you to want to analyze your laughter [deleted]

no thanks.

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

Aha... 'twas merely a joke, it wasn't an invitation...

v-shinsou

... yeah, whatever...

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

...

v-shinsou

are a lot of the things you say supposed to be jokes or something?

or are you just... like that? [deleted]

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

Considering how representative they are of my life, yes. I suppose they are.

v-shinsou

...

was you saying that you wanted to take care of me some sort of weird joke too?

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

If you'd like to take it that way, sure.

v-shinsou

...

youve got a pretty fucked sense of humor...

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

Comes from being pretty fucked up.

v-shinsou

for a hero student [deleted]

yeah...

totally didn't pick that up when you were telling me how much of a masochist you are [deleted]

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

...

You really dislike me...

v-shinsou

why wouldnt i, hero student?

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

...

v-shinsou

what?

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

Nothing.

v-shinsou

...

whatever

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

Lot to adjust to, is all.

Why even continue this conversation, if you hate me so...? Why are you wasting your time?

v-shinsou

... you just answered your own question

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

...?

v-shinsou

im wasting time, since ive got nothing better to do right now

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

Ah.

v-shinsou

why talk to me if you know that i dont like you?

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

Masochism, as you aptly pointed out earlier. Or, maybe I just keep hoping to change your mind. Or, maybe I'm using this conversation to make myself feel worse. Or, loneliness, as my dear friend mentioned the other day... again, another thing I could go on all night and day about.

My actions of late haven't made much sense. So.

v-shinsou

change my mind?

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

...

That is what I said, yes.

v-shinsou

you want me to change my mind about what exactly? you?

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

I suppose.

v-shinsou

how exactly do you want me to change?

...

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

I don't know, exactly...

Haha, I just don't love being hated, is all... It's fine, don't even worry...

v-shinsou

no one does, hero student whatever... should get used to being hated if youre going to continue with your 'vacation'

@v-aizawa

My, I see another new face has been added since I was last online. And the lost little lamb is here as well.

v-shinsou

creep.

@v-hawks

...

v-shinsou

...

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

... Fantastic... Always wonderful when we're all getting along...

v-shinsou

shut up.

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

Haha.

v-shinsou

[control freak is idle]

n-hawks

...

@v-kaminari

yeesh thats a mess n a half

n-hawks

mess...

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

... You're someone I'm unfamiliar of...

v-hawks

ahh...

v-kaminari

oh! that is right! i also dont know you all either so thats. funny. yeah.

n-hawks

...

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

... Are you going to introduce yourself, then...

v-kaminari

i dont really wanna reveal my name yet i dont think but.......hiiiiiiiiii im. attempting at becoming a more powerful villain, thats about it for now

n-hawks

powerful... villain...

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

Fine way to attempt it. By staying hidden.

...

Though, I suppose it works for some...

Tch...

v-hawks

hahahaa.. doesn't it.

i'm hawks.

n-hawks

hawks...

v-hawks

so is he.

n-hawks

...

v-kaminari

well, its not like i wanna be Popular or anything....yet, at least, i wanna work more on things and laying low while i gather more um. resources and allies.. sounds best doesnt it? sounds more fun if i can fully emerge with a bang

v-shinsou

[control freak is no longer idle]

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

But you've already emerged, haven't you...? Just by being here, you already have a presence... you'd think, if you wanted a more impressive presentation, you'd have one right from the start...

v-kaminari

true i did fuck that up a little....i got lonely :(

v-shinsou

who's this?

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

Hahahhaaa.... isn't that adorable...

v-kaminari

well, since the bitch pointed out my plan was flawed i shall reveal my name, so sad i messed it all up not fun

im denki kaminari, dont rat me out sweetheart

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

...

Aha, alright...

v-shinsou

another hero student double...

v-hawks

lovely...

v-kaminari

the hell you mean by that?

v-hawks

gettin to look like a fuckin daycare round here.

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

I hate this... I hate this...

v-shinsou

... wouldnt you get a kick you of that, creep?

v-hawks

kaitou..?

n-hawks

kaitou...

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

I hate this.......... I hate this...........

n-hawks

hate...

v-shinsou

maybe you should've picked a better place to vacation, hero student

v-hawks

hey, calm down..

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

Hahaha.

Wouldn't matter.

All these replications... you all follow me around... like cockroaches... doesn't matter where I go, God, there's so many of you now...

I hate it I hate it I hate it

v-shinsou

cockroaches, huh?

v-kaminari

well um. i think that would be my cue to leaaaavee i do NOT wanna make an enemy like. 5 minutes into chillin with my villains....does not sound FUN so im gonna make like a library book and check out-

[shocker is offline]

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

...

v-shinsou

ugh...

guess even the doubles of hero students are annoying

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

...

v-shinsou

hopefully the double of you that pops out isn't as self centered as you are

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

... me...?

There won't be a double of me...

v-shinsou

how can you be so sure?

dont we follow you like... cockroaches?

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

...

v-shinsou

what? youre the one that said it

im just making sure that you dont forget

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

"Forget"... aha

I have a headache my head hurts

v-shinsou

poor you

maybe thats a sign that its time for your vacation to fucking end

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

...

This is so tiring... I don't understand what you're doing... tired... tiring... if you want to hurt me so badly, I'd rather you just do it in person... tiring...

Since it makes you feel better... clearly does... why delay yourself the fun you'll clearly have...

v-shinsou

oh fuck you

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

What... why are you angry now...

v-shinsou

not really into torturing people, sorry to disappoint.

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

You want to act like a bully, I'm allowing you the full opportunity... You clearly want to prove your dominance somehow, I'm trying to give that to you.....

v-shinsou

...

if i wanted to bully you, i'd be a hell of a lot fucking crueler to you

just run back to ua already, hero student

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

So you're a bully that can't commit. Somehow that's even worse.

v-shinsou

stop calling me that.

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

Make me.

v-shinsou

...

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

Don't you fully have the ability to? C'mon. I'll be the only one who even lets you use your little quirk on them.

I'll answer anything you like.

v-shinsou

oh fuck off already...

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

You don't like me when I try to help you, you don't like me as the victim, you don't like me giving you everything you obviously want... ahaha, you are so hard to please...

v-shinsou

help me?

someone like you will never fucking help me.

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

You don't know anything about me.

v-shinsou

youre one of the lucky ones

none of the lucky ones want to get anywhere near a freak like me [deleted]

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

Oh, yes, I'm so fortunate, that's exactly why I'm here... because I was the one who won fate's hand...

Is that what you're after, then? Petty vengeance?

Come get it, then.

Release your frustrations. I don't mind.

You obviously want to live out a fantasy of power. Go ahead.

v-shinsou

fuck off.

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

You're perfectly within your power to stop talking to me if you aren't enjoying yourself, Shinsou-kun.

v-shinsou

dont call me that...

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

Hahahaa.... Well, if I can't call you by your name and I can't call you by what you are, what should I call you?

Freak? Would you prefer that?

Freak.

v-shinsou

...

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

Freak freak freak.

v-shinsou

[control freak used illegal software to download your location]

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

Incredible. I would have just told you where I am.

v-shinsou

[control freak is idle]

█►─═ ₭卂𝔦†ᵒù ═─◄█

So impolite...

...

[boy-porridge-vent]

Day 1

***Trigger Warning for most of this post!*** :(

 New vent account, I just have a lot to get off my chest, not right now per-say but in general, a lot has happened and I’m not coping well.

To start off, I’ve relapsed into self harm again

Not only cutting, but nearly everything I was able to get myself to stop doing.

 * I’ve begun to cut again, it’s now to the point where it gets deeper & messier each time I have a panic attack/breakdown (whatever the difference is).

* Im scratching & biting a lot more

* Punching myself until I bruise

* Weighing myself constantly, about 3-10 times a day, it’s in secret though since the scale is kinda hidden in my basement ever since my parents took it away

* Ive begun to check calories & count them. Before this past month, Ive never done this before & now it’s almost like a nervous habit! :(

* I’ve relasped into my an*rexia urges again. I’ve been having trouble with my body image & eating since about 5th grade; not to get too personal, but my mom was & still is hard on me, always called me ugly or fat because of an early puberty that made my body change quickly in a pretty gross way. Had a lot of acne since 4th grade;;; anyways, because of all that, and finding Onision, I was obsessed with his UhOhBro channel around 5th grade & took some of his more serious videos related to starvation & self harm to mind and tried it on myself because, despite him having a stone-cold hatred for it, I was a dumb kid and didn’t listen. So yeah, 5th grade I would starve myself or eat very little; 6th grade I kinda stopped but struggled with my clothing choice/identity more; 7th grade I struggled with gender; 8th grade was when an*rexia came back, more severely than ever, but it happened in short bursts over a few months, I also started cutting but very rarely; 9th I was much more happy & settled down just a bit, really figured out who I was; 10th things weren’t exactly the best, cutting came back & began to be more frquent but not deep; 11th was the worst, I’ve now been eating very little ever since school started, first day back wasnt exactly the best & I ended up cutting again for the first time in months moments after I got home.

 A lot more has happened since then and it’s only gotten worse. I don’t know what to do anymore

I don’t mean for any of this to make anybody upset or possibly relapse/get urges themselves when reading all this, I get so sad when I see others struggling too, I always try to help any of my friends or even random people online if they post a vent. I love bein there to support & help, even help get people to come out of serious relapses! But when it comes to myself, I tend to feel no pity, like I deserve this. There’s something wrong with me in my head, this has been gong on for years, every year feels worse than before, and yet everytime Ive gone to my dad, principles, teachers, or school counselors, they never help! They tell me off, saying Im fine, I dont need a therapist because therapists are scammers, or that I just need to be more positive & get over it.

Ive been told this for years, so maybe… it’s just me who’s to blame. Im the only one who sees what’s happening because it’s not really a big deal. I just make it seem wore than it is in my head. I have friends who care & ask if Im okay, ask if they can help, but honestly they cant help. They can support & I’ll vent to them but it doesn’t fix anything, I vent but it doesn’t fix my mind or my empty stomach or my hand reaching for my same used razor. Nothing has helped and I’m worried that after a while Im going to end up killing myself, whether it’s on purpose or it happens on accident when I go too deep. I have a lot I wish to do in my life, but at the same time, with all this shit that’s happened and how my life feels as if it keeps getting worse everyday, I will admit that at this point if I DID die, I guess I wouldn’t be too upset. I am scared of what will happen after death, nobody knows what happens, but I know that I am legally an organ donor, and I do have part of my will typed up in the case that I do die suddenly one day, so I guess it isn’t too bad.

I will be honest, Ive never been exactly suicidal before, but these past 4 months I think I’ve been legitamately suicidal and ready to go whenever I have a breakdown. Everytime I relapse I think of just ending it all right then and there, but then pussy out because I think about my few friends, my followers on other social media, my pets, my plants, and other people I wish to change the lives of in the future. I want to adopt a kid someday and give them what I didn’t get, treat them as I wished to be treated, help them grow up into the person I wish I had by my side growing up. They’d be my child, I’d be their parent, but we’d also be best friends. I wanted to start my own show, my own comic, my own booth at cons, meet so many people, get married, do music, so many things

but honestly, I don’t think I’ll live much longer after my senior year of highschool. I’m planning on finishing this year out, trying to finish my senior year, graduate, then I’ll leave this Earth with a bang. Maybe literally, or maybe through some other way of suicide, I don’t know. I might even do it sometime before I graduate. Not to make people sad, not for attention and pity, but because I can’t continue on like this, and I want the people who’ve wronged me to see what they did. I want those who refused to help, even when I was in front of them screaming & begging them to get me some kind of therapy or help, to see what they caused. I want them to see that I wasn’t just some sensitive crybaby that needed to get over himself, I want them to see that mental illness can run rampant in anybody & they need to be open to helping those who really need it.

 Ive been through so much. Ive been bullied, made fun of by my own mother, neglected by her, pysically/emotionally/mentally/VERBALLY/and even sexually abused by an ex partner of mine, Ive been literally harrassed, Ive been used solely for sex by nearly every single ex of mine, Ive been manipulated/guilt tripped/gas-lighted/made to feel as if my abuse was my fault, Ive been punished by my school for being abused by my ex! Yet everyone who has ever hurt me in these ways always got away with it scott-free. Why? I have no idea. I like to say that they’re let off the hook because I don’t come to school with black eyes, broken bones, bruises, and mascara running down my face. Abuse is abuse, it doesn’t have to have visible signs. Yet, mine does. I have self harm wounds, not because I blame them for making me self harm (as one of my exes once did), but because of trauma I still deal with that stemmed from their treatment of me. I have nightmares about my ex and her treatment toward me. I get SCARED when my mom comes home. I get nervous walking into school. I hate being touhed physically because it reminds me of so many people from the past getting physical and leaving me in the dirt afterward, even when I trusted them with everything. I hate saying I love you to anybody because of how little it means when others say it to me. Many partners would send hearts & “I love you"s, then throw me out like I was garbage.

I’m so tired of it all.

But maybe it’s all my fault. Maybe Im the problem. Im too quiet. Im too much of a pacifist. I hate confrontation. I hate violence. I hate hating people. If Im hurt by someone, even being abused, I always forgive and let them back in, and I get hurt again over and over. But on the rare chance that I dont forgive, when I do hate them with every cell in me, then for some reason, I can’t get them away, I can’t get them out of my life. They’re always around as a constantly reminder of what happened and how I was used and how I will never change, I’ll never be able to stick up for myself.

 if all that is going to happen in my life involves me being used for sex, money, or compliments to make others feel higher about themselves, then I don’t want to be around anymore. But I can’t just kill myself on a whim and call it a day.

I wouldn’t exactly say this is why I self harm, my self harm isn’t a choice, it just… kind of happens. It’s an addiction; scientifically, it has been proven to have addictive tendencies, which is why it’s so hard to stop once you’ve started/relapsed. I self harm because it’s an addiction that I can’t help, and becaue of bottled up, unresolved trauma that gets worse with every new day that I keep it bottled up for.

 This isn’t going to get better. Sorry for typing out so much too. I have an issue with piling all my thoughts and how I feel into multiple huge paragraphs, so there’s much more of that to come.

Also to come, weight updates & keeping track of what I eat/how long I can go with no food whatsoever. So far I’ve gone about 1/ maybe 2??? days straight, though I stayed home today so I did have to eat dinner, which caused me to gain 1 pound. But I lost 4.5 pounds in that day of not eating, so I can lose that 1 pound pretty quickly. Plus my metabolism is very very fast, so even if I did eat a lot I’d lose all that weight in a few hours/a day or two, depending on how much I ate.

This is day 1 of my further decline.

September 01, 2019

[rosapeachhogwartsmystery]

Potions equals Love? (Hogwarts Mystery Imagine)

Masterlist  (To view my Masterlist, visit my Tumblr page)

Words: 4197

Pairing: fem! Rowan Khanna x Merula Snyde

Summary: You and Rowan have to switch partners in Potions. Rowan has become partners with Merula. You don’t know why, but Rowan has changed after that. What is going on?

A/N: Originally I was going to write another fem!reader x Barnaby Lee imagine, but I decided to do something different for once. I’m also trying to write and understand Ben’s character a little better, so I can also write imagines about Ben.

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“Miss Khanna and Miss Y/L/N. You are going to work with someone else this year.”

 You raised an eyebrow when Professor Snape told Rowan and you to work with somebody else this year. “But Professor, we have been partners for the last three years.” Rowan said, thinking it would be strange to work with someone else than you. “That is exactly why you have to switch.” He said. “It will be good to see if you are capable of brewing a good potion with different partners.” He said. “So, Miss Khanna will be working with Miss Snyde this year.” “What?” Merula said, frowning a little. “What if I don’t want to work with Khanna?” She said, not liking the idea. “Well, then you will just have to deal with it.” He told them. “You both seem to be decent brewers, so it shouldn’t be much of problem.” He said before he looked at you. Rowan and Merula looked at each other, glaring a bit. You just hoped they wouldn’t kill each other during potions. The only thing you wondered was who you had to work with.

 “Miss Y/L/N, you will work together with Mr. Lee.” Snape said. You blinked when Snape said that. It wasn’t like you didn’t like Barnaby, but he wasn’t the best student to work with during potions. You knew how often Snape would call Barnaby stupid in his class and the boy was Slytherin for Merlin’s sake! You wondered if Snape did this to make things harder during class. Perhaps he wanted you to fail? “Mr. Lee, perhaps having a partner like Miss Y/L/N could help you with brewing something more decent.” Snape said. Barnaby smiled awkwardly, having the feeling Snape was probably insulting him. You slowly moved over to sit down next to Barnaby, wondering if things would be going alright this year. “So, I guess that mean will be partners this year.” You said softly, giving Barnaby a small smile. “Yeah, I guess.” He said, smiling back.

You were going to brew a Poison Antidote this class and you had to keep a good eye on Barnaby. You would often point to the book when he was about to do something that wouldn’t end up well. You knew this was going to be hard and you didn’t want to make Barnaby feel like he was incapable at brewing potions. Once Snape was looking at your work, you thought you could see a hint of satisfaction in the eyes of the Potions Master. You suspected Barnaby and you were doing alright with brewing the potion. You thought you two were doing better than Merula and Rowan. You could hear the two bickering and you wondered if they would be doing this alright. You knew Merula still didn’t like you nor Rowan, but that didn’t mean the Slytherin wanted to fail this class.  You shook your head at the sight of Rowan and Merula trying to work together, thinking it was obvious that they weren’t getting along with each other at all.

 Once Potions was over Barnaby gave you another smile. “Thanks, Y/N. With your help I might be able to pass Potions this year.” He said. “No problem. If you want I could help you with studying.” You suggested. “That would be great. Perhaps I could help you with Care of Magical Creatures in exchange.” He said. “That would be helpful.” You said with a smile. You were about to walk out of Potions when Snape suddenly walked over to you. “Miss Y/L/N, may I have a word with you?” He asked. You nodded, wondering what he wanted from you. Once you were alone with Snape in his classroom, he spoke up. “You might be the first partner that helped Mr. Lee understand what he was doing in class.” He said. You blinked, wondering why he would say that. “At first, I thought Miss Haywood would be a good partner for Mr. Lee, but I was wondering how capable you were without Miss Khanna’s help in class.” He said. “It seems like you are pretty capable of brewing a decent potion without Miss Khanna’s help.” He said. “Five points to Y/H.” You blinked when Snape gave you house points for that. “Thank you, Professor.” You said, still looking surprised. “You are dismissed.” He said.

 You quickly left the classroom, wondering if Snape started to dislike you less this year. Perhaps this year would start more smoothly this year. You knew Patricia Rakepick would probably make things a little more difficult for you, but perhaps the teachers would finally stop looking at you like you were exactly like your brother. It would be great if the teachers saw you as someone else than your brother. Being reminded of your brother didn’t help you. It was one of the reasons why you didn’t like going home for the holidays. Your family was still dealing with Jacob’s disappearance and you wanted to be your own person. You wanted your family to be proud of you and you can’t do that if they think you are going to do the same things as Jacob. Hopefully, you would find your brother while secretly looking for the Cursed Vaults. You do not really care what is inside the Vaults, you just want your brother back. Besides you could probably learn a lot from the experience.

 To be honest, you were also curious about breaking the curses on the vaults. You thought Rakepick’s job was very interesting and perhaps it would be something you would consider doing in the future. You weren’t sure though, because there were a lot of jobs that seemed to intrigue you. Becoming a healer was also interesting after you helped Madam Pomfrey. Maybe being an Auror was interesting as well. You weren’t sure and you still had some time to figure out what you wanted to do with your life. You were only fourteen after all. You sighed and then you walked towards the Great Hall.

 Once you entered the Great Hall you shook your head. Merula was standing near the table your friends sat at and it didn’t look pretty. She was yelling about something and you quickly made your way over to the table. “What’s going on?” You asked, raising an eyebrow at Merula. “None of your business. This is something between Khanna and me.” She said, glaring at you. “And you decide to do that in front of everyone else, Snyde? Sounds like you have thought everything through.” You said, rolling our eyes at her. “Shut up, Y/L/N.” She hissed. You looked at Rowan, who was definitely angry at Merula. “Don’t you have to sit somewhere with Murk?” You asked. Merula groaned. “This isn’t over yet, Khanna!” She said when she stormed off.

 “Seriously Rowan, what happened during Potions?” You asked, sitting down next to Barnaby and Ben. Rowan looked annoyed. “Well, we both wanted to brew the potion correctly, but she didn’t want me to add anything to the potion think I would ruin it. So, I didn’t let her touch the cauldron either. Well, except when Snape walked past us… This was the worst class ever.” She muttered. “Well, it would be easier if Snape didn’t let you work with her, but I’m sure both of you want to pass this class. You will have to work together.” You pointed out. Rowan softly banged her head against the table, groaning softly. “I know! I know I have to work with her well if I want to pass, but can you blame me for not trusting her?” She said. “I don’t blame you for that at all.” You said. “I don’t think I would be able to survive working with Merula to be honest.” You said with a shrug.

 “I do know Merula is pretty good at Potions.” Barnaby said. “She would sometimes help me with my homework when I was friends with her.” He said. “What has that to do with this?” Rowan asked. “Well, I thought it would be nice to know your partner is good at brewing potions, so you two would be able to brew things pretty well.” He said. “Perhaps she is good at it, but I haven’t seen any of her skills today.” Rowan muttered. “I think Barnaby is trying to say you both are good at it and you would be able to brew something really good if you work together.” You said. Barnaby nodded, letting you know you have said that right. “Well, maybe one of you should work together with her next time.” Rowan said before she stood up and stormed off. She was pissed at everyone because of Merula. You sighed softly. Maybe it was better to leave Rowan alone today.

 “Man, I think I pissed her off.” Barnaby said, looking a bit guilty. “It’s not your fault. Merula and Rowan just don’t get along.” You told him. “Well, that isn’t Rowan’s fault. I mean, Merula was always threatening everyone.” Ben said. “That is true. Merula just wants to prove she is the best and if she needs to threaten people she will do that.” You said. “You don’t seem to be that bothered by Merula anymore, Y/N.” Penny said. “That’s because I won’t let her get under my skin. She knows that by now. I guess she thinks I’m a boring target now.” You said with a giggle. “I wish I could do that. Merula kind of terrifies me.” Ben said. “I think most people think Merula is terrifying.” Barnaby said with a grin. “As long as you don’t show it, she won’t have the power to threaten you.” You said. “I mean, come on! She is the same age as us. Merula is good at things, but you are more gifted at Charms, Ben. And Barnaby can cast more powerful charms than Merula. Just like Penny is more gifted at Potions.” You pointed out.

 “I see it this way. She might be good, but everyone has great talents of their own. Using your talents could help you outsmart her or just outdo her.” You said with a smile. “You are really positive this year, Y/N.” Ben said with a grin, looking more at ease. “I suppose I’m just having a good start this year.” You said. “Y/N has the talent to give good pep-talks.” Barnaby said with a chuckle. “I agree with that.” Ben said. “Please, I’m not that good at giving pep-talks.” You said, rolling your eyes. “Well, most of the time you manage to cheer someone up.” Penny said with a smile. “Except for Rowan now.” You said. “Well, she needs to blow off some steam. So, it was a good decision to let her go for now.” She said. “We can’t solve all problems immediately.” Ben said honestly. “It would make life less complicated though.” You said with a small grin.

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After two months you noticed Rowan was acting really different. You didn’t understand what was going on, but she seemed to be happier in some kind of way. She did spend less time with you and your friends. Also, the bickering in Potions Class seemed to cease. You thought Merula and Rowan were working very well. You were surprised by the change, but you didn’t let yourself get distracted by that. You still kept an eye on Barnaby, but he seemed to have improved over the months as well. He worked really hard to pass this class. He became more confident at Potions and it made you happy. You thought Snape might have made the right decision to let you switch partners this year. You didn’t know how much you had relied on Rowan the past few years. You had definitely relied on her a lot more than you thought, because you sometimes weren’t sure either. It made you more confident as well. This partnership was good for Barnaby and you.

 Rowan wasn’t in the Great Hall that evening. You wanted to find out where she was at. She was acting strange and you just needed to know what was going on. You looked at Ben and Barnaby. “Do you guys want to find Rowan with me?” You asked. Ben raised an eyebrow and Barnaby looked a little confused. “Why do you want to find Rowan?” Ben asked. “She is acting strange and I want to know what is going on.” You said. “Do you think it has to do with the Cursed Vaults?” He asked. You shook your head. “No, the Cursed Vaults are leading students to the Forbidden Forest. As far as I know, Rowan hasn’t gone there. Besides, she is not in a weird trance like all those other students were that were caught by the teachers.” You explained. “Still, I still want to know what is up. Aren’t you wondering why she isn’t spending as much time with us as she used to?” You asked. “Well, I have nothing better to do. So, count me in.” Barnaby said. Ben looked at Barnaby and blinked. “You are going to help Y/N find and spy on Rowan?” Ben asked. “Well, yeah…? I guess I will help her with finding and spying on Rowan.” Barnaby said with a shrug.

 Ben sighed. “Fine, I will come as well. Just because you two are making me worried.” He said. “Great Ben!” You said with a smile. “If nothing is going on then I will return to my Common Room though. I don’t like the idea of spying on someone.” He said nervously. “Don’t worry, Ben. You will be fine.” You told him when you stood up. Ben and Barnaby stood up as well and the three of you began walking out of the Great Hall. The three of you had to look around very carefully, because you weren’t sure where Rowan was at the moment. You checked the library and also the Common Room, but she wasn’t there. Once you walked outside you wanted to give up, but there she was. Rowan walking around the Castle Grounds. You weren’t sure where she was going though. You gave Barnaby and Ben a look to be quiet and then you began to follow Rowan.

 You made sure the three of you were not seen by Rowan. You just needed to make sure where she was going. Time passed by slowly and you didn’t seem to be going anywhere. Once Rowan stopped walking, you, Barnaby and Ben hid somewhere. The three of you kept an eye on Rowan the whole time, wondering what she was doing out here. It didn’t take too long to figure out what Rowan was doing outside. Merula walked up to Rowan with a smile. “Well, hello there Khanna.” She said. Rowan grinned. “Also hello to you, Snyde.” She said amused. You were confused when you heard them saying that. Why did they act so friendly? What was going on. Merula took a step closer to Rowan, running a hand trough Rowan’s hair. “This could all be a lot easier if just told people about this.” Rowan said, blushing a bit. “That might be so, but that would ruin both our reputations, wouldn’t it?” Merula said, pulling Rowan close. “Let’s just enjoy this moment.” She whispered before she began kissing Rowan.

 Your eyes widened. Did Merula just kiss Rowan and did Rowan kiss her back? You couldn’t believe it. How did this happen? How did they become a thing? Merula and Rowan like each other? You looked at Ben, who was baffled by what happened. Barnaby was confused and he turned to you, unsure what to think about it. You signed to get away from here. You could swear you heard Rowan and Merula kissing when the three of you sneaked away. You three couldn’t be seen by them, especially because you understood why they would keep it a secret. You might have said they would be good at Potions together, but you never thought this would happen. You weren’t sure if you should confront Rowan or not. This could be a bad thing for the Cursed Vaults. What if Rowan told Merula about everything they discussed about the Cursed Vaults? No, she wouldn’t…  Would she? You weren’t sure what to think about this anymore.

 Once the three of you were back the castle you looked at each other. “Merlin...! W-what was that?” Ben said, still surprised by what happened. “Merula and Rowan kissed each other.” Barnaby said. “Yes...! That is the problem.” Ben said, panicking a little. “Ben is right… This is a problem. I mean, what if Rowan told Merula about the Vaults?” You said, frowning a little. “Do you really think Rowan would do that?” Barnaby asked. “You know what they say about love. Love makes people blind, she might have said things. I cannot be sure about it though.” You said. “What are we going to do about this?” Ben asked. “I think I might need to talk to Rowan tonight.” You said. “What are you going to say? ‘Hey Rowan, Ben, Barnaby and I have seen you kissing with Merula.’ She will definitely get angry.” Ben said. “I will tell her I have seen her. You and Barnaby only came with me because I asked you to. I won’t tell them you two have seen them kissing.” You said. “Are you sure, Y/N? I mean we agreed to come.” Barnaby said concerned. “I’m sure, don’t worry about it.” You told them.

 “Thanks for coming along with me.” You said with a smile. “I will wait for Rowan in the dormitory.” You told them. They nodded. “No problem, Y/N.” Barnaby said with a smile. “Tell us about your talk with her tomorrow.” Ben said. You nodded and gave them both a smile. “I will tell you two. Good night.” You said and then you both gave them a kiss on the cheek. They blushed and you gave them a wink before you left. You walked towards your Common Room, slowly becoming more serious again. Once you were in your dormitory you sat down on your bed. You would just sit there, waiting for Rowan to walk into the room. Of course, it took a while before Rowan entered the dormitory.

 “Did you have a fun evening?” You asked. Rowan jumped in surprise, being startled by you. “Merlin, Y/N, you nearly gave me a heart attack.” She said before she took a deep breath. “That doesn’t answer my question.” You said seriously. Rowan blinked a bit. “What are you talking about?” She asked, raising an eyebrow. “Oh, I don’t know. You tell me.” You said, not taking your eyes off her. “I just went out for a walk.” She lied. You rolled your eyes. “Sure, a walk.” You said, not believing her at all. “And did that walk include Merula?” You asked. Rowan gasped. “What did you see?” She asked, sounding a little angry. “Just you and Merula… You know, snogging each other. Seemed like you have had a lot of fun.” You said. “You saw that?” She asked. You nodded and she slowly became angry. “Did you spy on us? Y/N, why would you do such a thing?” “Because you don’t talk. You were acting strange and I wanted to know what the bloody hell was going on.” You said, becoming angry yourself.

 “It is none of your business what is going on between Merula and I.” Rowan yelled. “It is my business, because it is Merula Snyde we are talking about.” You said. “What are you worried about?” She asked. “That you are telling her about the Cursed Vaults. I already have to look out for Rakepick and certainly don’t want to look out for one of my best friends as well.” You said, frowning a bit. “I would never tell Merula about what we know about the Cursed Vaults!” She said. “Good, that is what I wanted to hear.” You said and then you sighed. “I don’t care what you do with Merula as long as you don’t talk to her about the Cursed Vaults.” You said. “Maybe, we could use her expertise…?” She suggested. “Yeah, because everyone in the group would love Merula to join us.” You said sarcastically. “Ben is terrified of Merula and Tulip hates her guts. If she would join us it would cause a lot more problems.” You said.

 “Then, I will tell them.” Rowan said. “I mean, if I explain it, maybe they will understand?” She mumbled softly. “Good luck with that.” You said, getting in your bed. “Y/N…” She said. “Good night.” You muttered, closing your eyes. You didn’t know what to do. You didn’t trust Merula enough to let her help you with the Cursed Vaults. It wasn’t like you were against the relationship, but you were afraid about the Cursed Vaults. What if she would betray you all? All you wanted to do is to find your brother. If something went wrong you would never forgive yourself.

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You began spending more time with Barnaby and Ben, trying to avoid Rowan a bit. You just didn’t know what to think about everything. You had talked about it with Barnaby and Ben, but they didn’t seem to know what to do either. You wanted to be happy for Rowan, but you didn’t know what would happen. No one can help but to fall in love, but that didn’t mean you could have no doubts. You kind of felt bad for avoiding Rowan, but you weren’t sure if you would say nice things to her now. Avoiding her seemed like the better option now. It might not be the best option, but at least you didn’t have to think about what you would say to her.

 “Y/L/N.”

 You turned around. Merula was standing there, looking annoyed. “We need to talk.” She said. You raised an eyebrow. “What do you want, Snyde?” You asked. “Not here, somewhere more private.” She said. “Fine.” You said before you followed her to a more private place. You didn’t say anything when you walked over there. You didn’t know what you could say to Merula. You guessed she wanted to talk to you, because of Rowan. You just hoped this conversation wouldn’t turn into a violent one. Merula and you just didn’t get along, because she didn’t want that in the first place. You disliked her for threatening you and your friends. You just knew how to deal with a lot better though.

 Once you were somewhere more private you gave Merula an annoyed look. “So, what is it, Snyde?” You asked. “I want to talk to you, about Rowan.” She said. “Oh, you two are on first name bases not.” You mumbled. “Shut up, will you.” She hissed and then she took a deep breath, like she was trying to calm herself down. “Look, Rowan told me you were worried about her telling me about the Cursed Vaults.” She began. “I haven’t asked her a single thing about the Cursed Vaults.” She told you. “And I should believe you because…?” “Because I’m dating your best friend.” She said. “I don’t like the fact you are avoiding her.” She said. “If you think I’m avoiding her because you are dating her then you are just partly right. I don’t give a damn about your relationship with her. If she is happy then I’m okay with it. I’m just not okay that you are obviously trying to find the Cursed Vaults as well. I already have to look out of Rakepick now. If Rowan would tell you stuff, then it would mean you are going to be a bigger threat.” You said seriously.

 “Rowan knows how to keep a secret. I’m not going to force her to tell me what she knows.” Merula said seriously. “I don’t know why you keep looking for them though. You could end up just like your bro-.” “Don’t you dare to talk about my brother.” You said seriously. “I’m looking for the vaults to find him. That is it! Nothing else.” You told her. She held up her hands in defence. “Okay, calm down. I get it. You just want to find your brother.” She said. “But seriously. I think we should try to get along, for Rowan.” She said. “You want to get along with me?” You asked, raising an eyebrow. “With you and your friends, even the mud- I mean muggleborn ones.” She said seriously. You kept your eyes on her. “You are actually serious…?” You asked. “Of course I am! Why else would talk to you about this?” She said.

 “Fine.” You said. “Excuse me?” “I said ‘fine’. We are going to try to get along. For Rowan, nothing else.” You said. “Good.” She said. “Should I tell her?” She asked. “Yes, you should.” You told her. “If she wants to talk to me tell her she can talk to me.” You said. She nodded and was about to walk away. “Oh, Y/L/N?” She said. “Yes?” “Thank you for doing this. I’m sure Rowan will appreciate it.” She said before she walked away. You stood there for a little longer and sighed. Hopefully things would get less complicated now.

[thatfoxnamedfinley]

I’ve just seen Avengers: Infinity War for the third time. Let’s talk about it.

There are SPOILERS AF under the cut as well as rabid fangirl thoughts. STEER CLEAR OK if that’s not your shit. Thank you.

- IT OPENED WITH A BANG. The Russo Bros obv did not give ONE (1) fuck about the emotions of anybody cause it starts off intense as SHIT. Showing us the stakes of the movie and the power of it’s villain by having Thanos not only destroy Asgard, but also incapacitate The Hulk and then kill ( is he really tho ?) Loki. 

- Speaking of Asgard, I was VERY impressed with Thor’s arc this movie. He was great. His emotions as he was talking to Rocket, he was laughing and smiling while he was trying not to cry and when he listed off how many people in his life that have died, I got emotional. That shit really got me.

- GAMORA. OMG. Her storyline. She shines so much. Her and Drax. He got so many funny lines in, he had me CACKLING at WHY IS GAMORA and I CAN TAKE IT and BUT MY MOVEMENT IS SO SLOW. When both he and Gamora ended up perishing (Gamora’s death hit me harder the second time I watched it, and it hit me HARD the first time), I almost cried.

- ‘WAKANDA FOREVER!!!!!” - T’Challa before running into battle. Chills.

-That was one of the greatest cinematic experiences I’ve had. I was so on the edge of my seat with how much was going on at all times. I was overwhelmed, really.

-MANTIS IS POWERFUL Af?!?!?!?! YAL SHE WAS HOLDING BACK THANOS FOR A LONG ASS TIME!! SHE RENDERED HIM INCAPACITATED. DAMN GIRL WERK THAT SHIT

-I’m glad Nebula was back. I really LOVED her growth in Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2.

- Scarlet Witch and Vision. WHAT DEVELOPMENT MY WORD. They were PRECIOUS. So REAL that when it came time for what Scarlet Witch had to do, I saw the pain in her eyes. As Vision was whispering “It’s alright,” to her and she destroyed him FUCK but then Thanos really fucked it up didn’t he, I FORGOT he had the Time Stone for a second

-ALL. THE. BATTLES. So chaotic but just so WELL DONE and I could see everything that ws going on. Like SHIT MARVEL YAL REALLY JUST WENT FOR IT DIDNT YOU

-Tony. Stark. TONY STARK. That’s my BOI right there. Everything about him this movie was just so FUCKING good. I LOVE him. Not everyone does, but after this movie, he won over so many people who try to hate him for no reason (I have hours of ammunition to #ProtectTonyStark). The Russo Bros really allowed a lot of Tony Stark’s character to shine without losing his sass. He was ALLOWED to tell Squidward to go home but also tell Doctor Strange that he didn’t know what to do because Thanos has been in his head for 6 years. He was ALLOWED to show how powerful he was when he made Thanos bleed but also allowed that moment of grief when he was clutching the hand covered in Peter Parker’s dust crumbled body. 

- STRANGE’S CLOAK SLAPPING TONY’S ASS, IM /DEAD

- Was NOT expecting them to kill as many as they did. I really wasn’t. The ending was so traumatizing.

-Doctor Strange has such cool ass powers. His illusions were so trippy to look at. 

- I LOVED THE DEVELOPMENT OF TONY AND STRANGE’S DYNAMIC. IT WAS HONESTLY AWESOME. From ‘douchebag’ to ‘Tony’, their evolution together was nice. Their personalities boucing off each other was great.

-Speaking of Doctor Strange, we all understand why he gave up the Time Stone to Thanos right? He said he saw 14,000,605 alternate paths to Thanos, and in only ONE of those do they win. He told Tony before they landed on Titan that he would NOT save Tony OR Peter if it came to the safety of the Stone. But he GAVE UP THE STONE. To spare Tony’s life. Saying “Tony, it was the only way.” Tony is needed in the destruction of Thanos. In the scenario that they do win, Tony Stark is neccessary. And thank goodness too, because I REALLY THOUGHT Tony was gunna die.

-

((apparent triggering confession next, move on to the next point if you dont like the first sentence))

-

- I left shipping Thanos and Tony. I know. I KNOW. I KNOW, OKAY?!?!? I didn’t want to. I didn’t even ship them the first time I saw the movie. Probably cause I was so freaked out with what was happening. This is perhaps the one ship I’ve shipped that I don’t want to ship. Maybe because he knew who Tony Stark was. Told him he was smart, that he was “cursed with knowledge.” Then he told Tony he respected him. Then he pet Tony’s head (honestly that made me ??????????????? inside and probably what sparked this shit tbh). AND. I was LOOKING for it on the third watch because I THOUGHT I saw it the second time; as Thanos was talking to Tony, Thanos shed a tear. Out of his left eye, after he told STark he respected him with his hand on Tony’s head. HAlf of humanity will still be alive, he said. Watching Tony and he shed a tear. I SWEAR TO YOU do look for it next time if you think you’ll go watch it again. I was like WTFFF IS THAT????????? Idk idk yal I’m so confused, and I’m TELLING YOU that I’ve never felt so bad about shipping before because IDK WHY I SHIP THEM. As I left the second tiem watching it, my brain was writing an alternate scene to that scene. IDK IDK IDK idk idk idk idk idk idk

- 

- I still ship Tony with Steve. I CANT WAIT FOR THEM TO MEET AGAIN. It’s inevitable, right? I know they havent spoken in 2 years, but this will force them to meet. And they fell out hard from Civil War. What will be their first words to each other? Who will speak first. Will Tony make a joke, look around and pretend he still doesn’t feel hurt? Will they hug? Will they still clash? I don’t feel like Cap is the guy that holds a grudge like that, if anything he will react based on how Tony acts. Will he ask forgiveness? Does he even need to? Did they miss each other? AFter all, Cap entered the fold when he was contacted after Tony went missing, saying “You just lost EArth’s best defender.” PHEW fam PHEW

- As Tony Stark has always been and will always be my favorite Avenger, I felt such pride on the third watch to confirm that the largest reaction out of each audience was when Thanos stabbed Tony. Loud, palpable gasping. One low conjoined sound of “OOOOooooohhh!!” echoing in the theater. Twice someone screamed. The attachment we feel to them all is immense, right? We’ve all been together with Tony Stark the longest, and that impact was so satisfying to feel on a grand scale like that for me. Whether you love Tony Stark or not, EVERYONE felt that fear of him dying in that moment. Hell, so many people were dead by that point that it WASNT IMPOSSIBLE. I cried the first time. I had to furiously wipe tears so I could keep watching the screen; I didn’t want to miss anything. I needed to see Tony’s end if that’s what happened; I owe him that. In case it’s unclear, Tony Stark is my favorite fictional character of any medium.

-omg when Gamora said, “you promised” before Quill went to shoot her, I was SHOOK fam omfg. And also when Gamora went to commit suicide before Thanos could throw her into the canyon....I REALLY felt Gamora’s story this movie. I know I said it earlier but it was GREAT.

- *mocking tone* “I am Groooooot.” everyone: WOAH THAT ATTITUDE (LOL I DIED)

-I was PISSED at Quill for fucking up the plan. THEY ALMOST GOT THE GAUNTLET OFF THEY WERE SO CLOSE and he messed it up....I get why tho and by the end I couldnt even fauult him for it, but in the moment I was PIISSSSSSSSSSED.

-The ending was.............honestly satisfying. It ended cliffhanger-y but not an IMMEDIATE, OMFG WHATS GOING TO HAPPEN cliffhanger.

Whata good movie omfg. I still don’t know where it ranks for me, Top 5 for SURE. Seeing is this many times, the story holds up, the humor holds up, the character work holds up, the pacing is seemless. It was SO GREAT. It was darker too, and I loved that.

What are yal’s thoughts?

[kelly-fasel]

Getting hurt, (Alfie Solomons)

Being the company nurse you had gotten to know lots of the workers pretty well, down to the names of their kids.. But since the Shelby's put in men it had gotten more hectic. New faces, lots of fights.. Due to that you hadnt really gotten time to know the new men.. The men wanted to know you though, catcalling and flirting..The elder workers cut that all down but then it started again with faking injuries.. When a few started to grope you, you decided it had been enough.

knocking on Alfies door you waited for a anserw

''Yeah?!Come on''

Stepping in you saw alfie sit there..His glasses on his nose as he was looking through some papers..

''Alfie. Would you talk to the new Shelby boys..I'm not comfortable around them. they grope and call me vulgair names.. Make up being sick.. I don't want you to hurt them..just speak to them or I will start looking for someone who wants to take my place here.'' You were suprised at how strong you came over.. you tend to get emotional alot lately..

''They fuckin what? who they think they fuckin with ey? Fuckin cunt.. Love go back to your place. Take the rest of the day off. I'll sort this'' He took of his glasses and got up, a slow grunt coming from his throat

''Call me Afterwards okay Alfie.. '' He nodded and walked me out..

---------------------------

Pacing  back and forth in the livingroom waiting for Alfies call you got interrupted by a knock at the door..

''Alfie you were supposed to call..'' You said stepping over.. opening up you realised who were standing infront of you.. trying to close the door it was pushed open..

(I'm not going to describe the things that happend because I'm not great at that yet..Working on it!! same with Smut! So the men barged in.. and kicked the hell out of her.. her brothers were out of town to their grandmother so she was alone. after beating her up badly they wanted more. she remembered her brothers service guns. able to reach one she shot one of the guys.. they fled. She passed out

-----------------------------

the sound of a ringing phone awoke you the first time.. you could feel pain.. everywhere.. is was coursin through your body.. Crawling towards the table you tried reaching.. but the weakness wouldnt allow it..getting not more then a mere inch from the ground.. darkness took over..

The second time you were awakened by banging on the door.. eventually the floor shook as a wave of wind hit your face.. followed by a loud bang.. Then hands touching and lifting your body. you could feel panic and then nothing. Blackness took over..

----------------------------

The third time you awoke you were feeling less pain..just freezing cold..where the hell were you?.. Hell? trying to open your eyes it felt like glue had shut them..you could see the red of your eyelids.. meaning you were in the sun.. after a little while of trying to move you managed to open your eyelids.. the sun was indeed there and burning in your eyes..groaning as reflex you turned your head.. seeing a sleeping figure in the chair next to you.. Alfie..

''Alf..'' You managed to mutter.. struggling to speak hard enough

Luckily he awoke straight away..

''Queenie.. you're awake...'' He spoke getting of the chair and on his knees..

''Alf..Sun..'' You managed to mutter, the cold really getting to you

''Oh fuckin hell right.'' He got up and strutted to the curtains, closing them enough for the sun to not be a bother.

strutting back over he got on his knees again. ''How do you feel?''

you could made a slight motion for him to grab your hand.. the extreme warmth of his hand against your freezing one was euphoric..

''You're still cold..fuckin hell.. you're under six blankets..I told them to heat up the room..'' He was visibly upset. Letting go he walked to the door and closed it, closing the blinds he came back.. Unbuttoning his shirt.. leaving him in his undershirt and pants. he kicked of his boots and leaned over

''No buts.'' He gently moved me to the side before climbin in bed himself.

''Alf.. No..'' You started.. your voice weak.

''I'm not letting you freeze.. '' He spoke wrapping his arms around your body..

It was then you noticed the Tattoos..

''I was a bit of a wild one..'' He interrupted watching me stare..

''Still..'' You muttered shivering as you felt his heat slowly spread..

''Sleep''

------------------------------

about a week later I was good to go home. I hadnt informed my brothers. I probably wouldnt either.. Alfie and you were seated in his car, being driven by his driver you ended up at one of the bigger flats, just down the street of the Bakery..

''Alfie..You live here?''

''Yeah Pet.''

''And you walk me home..''

''I do.''

''My flat is on the other side of town.. a halfhour from here''

''it is.''

''You're a softie.''

''I happen to be fond of you. when I'm not around. this happens.. you attract trouble.'' He mocked stepping out with a grunt.. strutting to my side he opened the door and helped me out

''Are we going to the bakery or..''

''No. You'll be staying with me yeah. Doctors orders. right. Come on then.'' he said as he started to walk grabbing his keys

------------------------------

it had been a few nights and It was strange living with Alfie... He was a perfect gentlemen.. he wasnt the most clean person..nothing disgusting just sloppy. he had a maid once every week. He could bake bread.. which was kind of ironic....He had a book collection that you could only dream off..and he was quite pleasurable to be with, talk with at night.  Since he was away half the day. everyday. having Ollie check in every hour. calling at his lunchbreaks.

Cuddled up in the windowseat with Cyril you were healing very well. being very sore but not pained. You had Ollie run to the market and shop for you.. You made some of the dishes in a old recipe book you found..

When he came home that evening, early.. he hung up his hat, his coat and his cane.

''Francis. Whats.. It's tha. fuckin ell.'' He said entering the kitchen ''My favorite.''

You smiled walking over ''I thought.. as a thank you... I mean I should be going home soon. I have more then overstayed my welcome''

''Poppy. the lot of it. You will stay right ere. where I can keep an eye on you ey. Right. Besides I oughta enjoy the singing you do in bath.''

''Can I go to work?.. Your apartment is really great..but.. I think its time for me to be productive.''

''Yeah well.. the lads have been asking about you. Having informed them a full scale brawl append. yeah. you do have em all round your pretty little finger.''

''I hadnt noticed. you know being kind and caring inspires loyalty too,'' You spoke teasing as you put a plate down infront of him, putting your own plate opposite of him, taking a seat

''Yeah well. Money is a good insurance.  Ey Pet. My Sciatica is bad today. I'm sure I twisted something with carrying barrels.''

''I'll rub give you a rub later. Don't make a joke.'' You warned as you started to eat..

The rest of the dinner you two had light conversation about your days.. you yourself didnt really like some of the dishes.. so you sneaked them to Cyril when Alfie wouldnt look.

After dinner you did the dishes, Alfie did some of the paperwork for that day.

After all that you gave him a massage.

Which is now..

''You're really tensed.''  You said applying pressure on your rubs, with slight difficulty because of your tired and painfull muscles

''Yeah well with a good reason right Sweetheart.'' He spoke in a low grunt

With a smile you went on ''Alf. Your tattoos. Theres alot of them.. Do they have meaning?''

Alfie raised his hand to show a tattoo of a crown.. ''That one I earned, It's russian..Represents criminal boss, Authority.''

''Wow..And the others..''

''Those I deserved over the years.. Do you like tattoos?''

''I do..Theyre intruiging..''

''Let me tell you about them.''

----------------------

What did you guys think of Alfies death?I'm so heartbroken.. Fuckin Tommy een left Cyril to fend for himself.. How would you take revenge? Who do you hope revenges Alfie? Doesnt have to be canon or anything.. I'd love to read fantasy ideas !! <3 Btw I have written a revenge chapter. should I upload? It's a bit..raw but yeah

[loversword]

um excuse me what? how are you gonna hide the fact that you're psychic and can talk to ghosts from us??!?!? I LIVE FOR THAT KIND OF STUFF!! Do you have any stories? :0

well its still pretty new to me so i dont post much about it and my abilities arent super refined yet! im clairsentient which means i dont physically see or hear things but things just kind of pop up in my head. like what someone looks like, their gender, sometimes i’ll feel some pain that relates to a condition they might have had or how they died. tonight was really my first time being able to actually get a lot of information and being able to help someone! usually its just like “i woke up in the middle of the night and someone was shaking my bed, suddenly i felt pain in my head/stomach/saw a persons face in my mind” etc. its hard for me to let down my defenses enough to get a lot of information and communication going bc its still a bit scary! but im trying to let go of that fear and train myself to open up enough to read their energy

i’ll talk about tonight because its a pretty good story and it was a good experience for me! for the past few days i havent been able to sleep well. i was getting shaken awake right as i was falling asleep and i could feel spirit there with me and i could feel their anxiety. but when its the middle of the night im too tired and scared to try and read anything from them. i even tried to take a nap earlier today and got shaken awake! i think this happens because right before the moment of sleep is when my defenses are down the most, its when i most often can clearly sense spirit and feel pain or feel their emotions

anyways me, my mom, and my brother were all driving home tonight after my brothers choir concert and all of a sudden my left ear started ringing, and then my brother was like “thats so weird bc my left ear started hurting” and my mom was like “OMG MINE IS TOO.” so then suddenly i could see a man grabbing the drivers seat and yelling at me and my mom like he was trying to get our attention. he was thin and gaunt looking, probably in his 50s, very thin graying hair, balding, and buzzed short. i could perfectly see his face; long and thin, long skinny nose that was slightly hooked at the end, deep set wrinkles around his mouth and under his eyes, and his clothes were baggy around his body. so i tell my mom this (this is nothing new for us lmao) and we both start honing in on him. i was getting more information than her which is rare since she’s been doing this way longer than i have and her skills are much more refined than mine. but over the course of about an hour i was trying to read him

i got that he was very frantic, anxious, and also frustrated. he was angry because he had to leave his family behind because he got sick and died pretty suddenly. my mom started telling me that i should tell him that he doesnt have to be in the same state he was when he died, he didnt have to be in pain any more because he doesnt have a body any more. he accepted this, but he was anxious about crossing over. he still had business in this world, and also he didnt really make peace spiritually before he died, he didnt really have a solid belief system so he was nervous about going to “the other side” as we call it. i told him that this didnt matter, because all are accepted! i knew he still wasnt going to cross over for quite some time, but he felt relieved about what i told him. i could also see what he looked like before he got sick/when he was a little younger. he had much thicker dark brown hair, and he wasnt as thin as he was when i saw him before. i could see what i think was his daughter too, she had long, straight, dark brown hair and bangs and she was probably in her 30s

my mom ended up talking to him more than i did, telling him that he needs to heal himself so that his family doesnt feel that negativity around them. she called in her angels to help heal him, and she prayed for him and his family. as she did this (which from my perspective was just her standing there in silence with her eyes closed, she told me after she was done what she said and did) i could feel calmness from him, whereas before i felt his anxiety and frustration. he was very happy to be heard! at first my mom was just going to go to bed and leave it be, but i just couldnt let it go, i really felt like i needed to help in some way. so then he left and i think he went back to his family. he didnt cross over, but i could tell he felt a lot better and was happy that we prayed for his family

the weird thing is that apparently one of my moms boyfriends coworkers died of cancer a couple weeks ago, and today was his funeral. we’re not sure if its the same guy or not but it is a weird coincidence and tomorrow my moms going to ask her bf about what he looked like so we can confirm whether it was him or not. he was very persistent about getting our attention! i think he was happy to be heard when every other living person was ignoring him/couldnt hear him

[bi-rezi]

LONG below cut, just cosplay thoughts, nothing beyond lists of what i’d need for certain characters and some rambling

the reason for all this is that the friend who went with me to geek kon last year asked if i wanted to go this year. i told them maybe because on the one hand it was super fun but on the other hand i have a job now, so we’ll see. any amount of this may or may not pan out.

for jasprose:

white wig

white face paint

fur? (just for cheeks)

white cat ears

purple/pink headband

long-sleeved white tunic (with purple/pink trim and puff sleeves)

white leggins with pink/purple trim

pink/purple socks

white shoes with pink/purple trim

the fucking, neckpiece thing

pink/purple party hat

fangs (opt.)

pink/purple contacts (opt.) (ONE EYE OF EACH WOULD BE SICK AS FUCK)

for davepeta:

so much god. probably not worth it, sadly.

for karkat:

new, better wig

loose plain black shirt (to add symbol)

plain gray pants - do i already have these?

teeth (opt.)

gray/red contacts (opt.)

ears (opt.)

for dave:

wig (throwback to when i had dave hair haha)

shirt

red contacts (opt.)

for rose:

new, better wig

white/lavendar pencil skirt

purple contacts (opt.)

for dead aradia:

wig maybe

horns - wire, tinfoil, yarn, paint

black t-shirt - cut up sleeves + slit in bottom hem

long gray skirt - cut up

red and white socks

black vans w/ white laces (opt.)

white mesh contacts (opt.)

ears (opt.)

for kanaya:

wig maybe

black t shirt

red skirt - make?

white face paint (opt.)

green lipstick (opt.)

purple sash with green stain (if white face paint) (opt.)

gray/green contacts (opt.)

ears (opt.)

for roxy:

wig

shirt

skirt

legwarmers

scarf (opt.)

pink contacts (opt.)

for dirk:

wig (and id have to style it, ugh)

shirt

glasses - probably part thrift, part make, though it depends on what kind of stuff i can find

i have a broken styrofoam head so its a pipe dream of mine that i sculpt that with clay into a semi-realistic severed head and then either carry it around as dirk with the sendificator over my head or as jake and kiss it occasionally, but i have a lot of different feelings over the latter lately so probably i’d do the former. either way, that’d be a lot of work.

for sollux:

wig (hopefully not same wig as karkat/kanaya/anyone else)

horns

shirt

gray pants

a pair of white shoes and a pair of black shoes (which is annoying as fuck BUT i could use the black shoes for aradia w the white shoes’s laces and vice versa for roxy so id be able to use them for other stuff. plus vans-type shoes are cheap)

red and blue glasses (probably make somehow??)

red/blue contacts (opt.)

teeth (opt.)

ears (opt.)

nepeta’d be cool but a pretty particular (purrticular) type of person (nepeta stans, basically, and i’m not one of those) tends to cosplay her so ill pass

for terezi:

wig

horns

shirt

glasses - make somehow

red shoes

red contacts (opt.)

teeth (opt.)

ears (opt.)

for vriska (pre loss of eye and arm because that shits hard):

wig

horns

shirt

gray overshirt

glasses

red shoes (preferably something that looks like converse but i could just use the same shoes for her and terezi)

i dont actually remember if i have good blue lipstick or not. i know i have shitty blue lipstick that basically doesnt have pigment but im not sure about good blue lipstick. in any case i know tricks for that but hm. not sure.

blue/gray contacts (opt.)

fangs (opt.)

ears (opt.)

equius... im just not really interested. i once thought about doing eridan but i dont like him anymore so nah. feferi... would be cool, but i think the skirt would be a little beyond my knowledge of sewing. i could do jane or jade but frankly i find them harder to emulate as a cosplayer and i could do john, jake, or dirk, but i just dont wanna.

for meenah:

braids - i wont make the mistake of trying to make them out of real fake hair again, i promise you that, i still have two seven-foot chunks of loose hair in the basement that im not doing anything with

trident - i literally have all the materials for this i just havent made it

glasses - make somehow/thrift a pair

shirt - the one i used to have is ruined (i know canonically she wears a t shirt but for some reason everyone cosplays her in a crop top, including me.) (i fucked up my shirt by not knowing how to work the printing stuff i got, like, the night before the con.)

tank top (depending on whether my current one fits me still)

horns - the ones i have are pretty much beyond fixing now so i’d have to start over. that’s fine though, i have plenty of materials.

teeth (opt.)

mesh contacts (opt.)

ear fins - i have these but i could stand to paint them pink since atm theyre purple, but otherwise theyre pretty close to perfect as is.

universal items i’ll probably need no matter what:

black and white t shirts (thats pretty much everyone)

screenprinting paper for dark or light shirts, depending on who i do

i have paint but having more wouldn’t hurt, and i might want/need white paint as well

fangs/teeth - for these i’d like to buy nice scarecrow fangs and use those and then maybe make some shitty mouthfuls of teeth with fake nails and that melty plastic shit

wigs - i’m willing to shell out a bit more for these as well. i’d like a nice short black one for karkat, kanaya, and if i ever decide to do jane, john, or jake, and though i have a long black wig it sucks pretty hard and i need a better one, probably curly, with bangs. though straight would be okay for most of these anyway. the only person who needs a medium length wig is terezi, and that’s actually pretty much true for all of hs, which is... too bad.

horns - i have a few pairs of horns already and PLENTY of clay to make more, but for bigger horns i’d need more than model magic. for aradia (and probably eridan and mmmaybe equius though im not doing either of them) and maybe vriska and kanaya (just to make those joints easier) id use the wire, tinfoil, and yarn method, but anything smaller than that i can use my clay. i already have peixes and vantas horns, though the peixes horns are broken and are resisting being fixed and the vantas horns don’t attach very well. i also have leijon horns in the works as well that were originally for davepeta. but id use clay to make vantas, captor, leijon, maybe maryam, pyrope, and maybe equius horns, and i used it for my peixes horns (though i didnt attach them well to the headband so those didnt go great).

contacts - i have actual regular contacts now, so now i wont have to worry about being blind ever. the next step is to get cosplay lenses (yes i know safe sites to get them from, yes i know my prescription and what size to get, yes i know how to be safe buying contacts). the best investement for sure would be a gray pair and a mesh pair, just speaking in terms of sheer number of characters. beyond that, it depends on who i end up cosplaying as to what color lenses i buy. for instance, if i decide on aradia, meenah, and dave, white and red lenses make the most sense. if i decide on rose, jasprose, and karkat, purple and gray ones make the most sense.

for any glasses, i’m going to be looking at thrift shops first and foremost. if i don’t find anything in a reasonable time, i’ll find stuff online.

i have probably two-thirds of a pot of snazzaroo, which will probably be enough, but if i decide to do a sprite or vampire kanaya, i’ll need white paint as well. plus if i decide to do more than one troll, i might want more gray paint anyway.

ears - i dont have any rn. i know a few methods to make them and a few places i can buy them but i’d probably end up making them anyway, mostly for cost-effectiveness.

as for money... well, i’ll do my best. i have an actual job now, and it’s pretty good. ive worked a lot in my first few days and ill keep working so even with taxes my paychecks are gonna be pretty sweet. id take commissions but i still have yet to consistently create any kind of art so im waiting til i can do that. also i dont have a way to get that money rn. nbd either way; i dont have any expenses besides this type of thing atm so its not like im hurting for money.

also i wouldnt have to cosplay only homestuck but a) im lazy and b) ive never loved anything the way ive loved homestuck so i kind of wouldnt want to betray my brand(tm)

(but if i wasnt going to cosplay only homestuck, which might be a good idea since idk how much homestuck the person i’d be going with is doing, i’d probably do taako.)

[soobadnoonecanstopher]

How did you get into writing fanfiction? Did you write before you started writing fanfiction? And how/when did you become an exo fan? Ayeeee sorry for so many questions! :P Just curious and love your work!

Ooooo this feels like an interview! Ill put a read more link because it will be long.

I’ll start with the EXO question because that was the catalyst to all of this. I wasn’t an EXO fan until 2015. Prior to that i was a fan of Big Bang though, i watched a ton of korean dramas, like seriously a ton and my vision went bad because of it, but thats another blog post. So after Answer Me 1997/Reply 1997 i became a huge fan of Seo In Guk and followed his work. His singing and his acting and i was super excited about this drama called I Remember You/Hello Monster that he was going to be in.

Well i was already on Tumblr and since i was a BigBang fan, i followed some blogs that reblogged a lot of kpop so i was AWARE of exo, and i even remember seeing that one post about “when d.o. Smiles it happens slowly and his lips tremble at first before he smiles wide” and i was just thinking “man, this fandom…” anyway i knew that kristaolu had just left and things were a bit shaky in the group and that one of them was an actor and was doing some dramas. I didnt pay too much attention until i started watching I Remember You/Hello Monster and this guy is on the screen and he looks just like any other actor yet the fucking VikiComments are going NUTS. Like they are just moving so fast about “OMO he looks so good” and “My babyyyyy” and im just like ‘wtf who is this guy?’ And then i see the word 'exo’ and then 'kyungsoo’ and i think OH this must be the EXO member who is also an actor.

Well….fucking welll….this fucker…fucking do kyungsoo is so amazing in this drama. And he’s only in it in the beginning and in small flashes throughout but he left an impression with his acting long before i ever heard a single EXO song. Long before i heard him singing for real.

Of course i resisted. It was awful. I had my mind full of Big Bang and i didnt have time for anther group and there were SO MANY MEMBERS i think it took me months to be able to tell the difference between Sehun and Luhan and it only really stuck because Luhan left.

So i gave in and went to youtube and i watched Growl and i had already become familiar with Xiumin’s face for some reason, i guess he really just stands out so i was watching him closely beause i recognized him and in my head he was the face of EXO. If i saw Xiumin then i knew that this group of a million people was EXO. So that part in Growl where the camera pans and D.O. Comes in with his part singing….that one single line. That one part was what did it. I paused the video, went back. Watched it again. And then again and again and i felt something realllllly fucking stupid inside my chest and i said “this is the actor…this is that same person. Wtf. Hes got the best voice ive heard in a really long time.” Of course I was this calm. Im always this calm when im dying inside.

Okay so i started following some EXO blogs and watching a whole bunch of videos and by the time i got around to watching all of EXO showtime, i was pretty much falling very hard for this group. They were funny. They were talented as fuck. They were charming and i was a goner. The moment when Kyungsoo left Luhan behind in the haunted house was the kicker. I was in love. Completely and totally and hopelessly in love and there was no going back.

Okay now as far as writing. I wrote a lot in school. I actually REALLY REALLY enjoyed those 10k research papers were you had to cite your sources and be all informative, and i always got good grades on them. But i also read a lot. A lot of books , a lot of fiction and I read a ton of Big Bang fanfiction. I still have my favorites from that time that I Remember very very fondly but I never really came across smut. Hahaha i dont know why but i didnt. Until EXO…because holy shit you guys….this fandom….

Anyway i was aware of fanfiction and i always loved reading and when you find a really good story regardless of it being a book or a fanfiction you kind of just become one with that story and it becomes almost a part of your soul….i was searching for that perfect exo story.

I never wrote creatively prior to Feb 2016 when i started this blog. I knew english well and i understood the general flow of a story but i was under the impression that i wasnt a good creative writer. I dont know why i had this impression but honestly i had never had enough motivation to give it a try.

But i had this idea in my head. This story that i wanted to read but i couldnt quite find anything that fit the bill and so i submitted a request to a fanfiction blog that took requests and got nothing. No response or rejection, nothing, just silence for weeks and weeks and finally i thought “wait, why am i waiting for this…i should just write it” so i sat down and i wrote the first story i ever wrote and called it Buzz and i thought “this is smut, i cant post this to my main blog….i have people there who know me in real life. Hehehe” and so i quickly created a side blog and the first thing that popped into my head was “sobadnoonecanstopher” but it was taken and i added an extra o for kyungsoo and it was available and the rest is fucking history. You guys came and were like “hey this is pretty good? Is this really your first story?” And everyone was nice and sweet and someone was all “can i make a request” and then i wrote “And There She Is” the sehun story and that one really seemed to take off and people were crying (wtf) and i just kept going. And now look at all of you....who ARE you people?!

Sorry this is so long. Bwahaha

[freerebelmentality]

My sisters keeper

AN: Yes, I am still up at 3:02 am and watching Supernatural while Im about to post this SOA Fic. Plus I did some online shopping and feeling pretty good about that. Anyways hope you enjoy this piece I wrote and Take me to church pt3  will be posted sometime this week. I have a few personal things to take care of and other things that need to be taken care of as well.

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Word Count: 2,812

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You and your sister are out doing errands together. At first you were going to pick up the medications that she has ran out of. The pharmacist always gave you hard time because she thought you would abuse them and leaving Carry to suffer.

“Y/n are we almost done here?” She asks coming behind you.

“Yeah, here take these right away” You tell her and open the bottle to take two tablets out

She takes them from you while she takes a sip from her water bottle.

“Im hungry now” Carry says once we step outside

“Lets go to the diner and get something to eat” You tell her while looking on both sides of the street to cross.

Carry looks down the street and notices a group of motor bikes parked down the street. She lets go of your hand while you are on the phone with your boyfriend. Arguing again. She never liked hearing you argue with him.

“You: Travis I am not doing this over the phone with you right now

Travis: If you two are not back here in 5 min”

You hung up the phone, knowing it would be bad when you got home. Just as long as he wouldnt touch your sister then thats all that mattered.

Your sister has a case of down syndrome and a not so great case of fetal alcohol syndrome. When your mom couldnt care for Carry anymore is when you had her move with you to Charming. You never had a problem caring for her since the both of you are more closer.

“Carry, Im sorry” You said while looking to your side but she wasnt there.

You looked into the shop but she wasnt there, ran across to the diner but she was there either and you ran next door but wasnt there. You came out into the street again, hope you would spot her but no where in sight.

“Hey doll face, sorry we arent open yet. Come back tomorrow” A pudgy man with long curly hair and a long beard says.

“You’re in a biker gang right?” Carry asks looking to the bikes

“Its a motor cycle club. You alright sweet heart?” He replies and asks in hopes she will answer.

“Im great. Im just worried about my sister” Carry replies while her expression changes.

“Is your sister in big trouble, the kind of trouble the cops cant handle” He says while the other guys come rolling in.

“Shes afraid to go to the cops” She replies in a hushed tone

“Hey Bobby, and who is this doll face” The cute blonde haired man says

“Im Carry, whats yours handsome?” She replies very cheerfully

“Im Jackson Teller but you can call me Jax doll face” He says as he introduces himself with a wide smile.

“These are my brothers. The man you were talking to his name is Bobby, that one with the tattoos on his head his name is Juice. Theres Quinn, Happy, Chibs, Tig” Jax finishes off introducing everyone to her

“Why is your nickname Juice? Is it because you always have lots of juice boxes?” She asks as her face lights up at the thought of a juice box

Juice tells her it wasnt that reason and asked if she wanted anything to drink. He takes her inside for a cherry coke.

“Whats going on with the girl?” Jax asks while Chibs and Happy stay outside

“She says her sister is in trouble and is afraid to go to the cops” Bobby replies while looking to Carry

“Did she say why?” He asks in hopes he got a little more info from Carry

“Nope, she stopped once you guys came pulling in” Bobby says while looking to him, Chibs, and Happy

“Sounds like spousal abuse to me” Happy says while looking to Carry and her catching him.

Happy plays along motioning what he did and she smiles at him while gesturing him that shes watching him. He gives her a thumbs up.

“Excuse me, have either of you seen this girl? She goes by the name Carry and shes my sister” You come running towards the group of men standing in front of an ice cream shop while trying to catch your breath.

“She’s right inside lass. She is talking with Juicey over there” The man says with a Scottish accent

“Oh my god. Thank you” You let out a sigh of relief knowing your sister is ok

“Im Bobby, Jax, Chibs and Happy” Bobby introduces everyone to you.

“Hi, sorry Im Y/n” You reply while still feeling less intimated

“Really thank you guys so much for keeping her company. If she kept wandering around by herself then she would be taken away from my care. She has down syndrome and fetal alcohol syndrome” You tell the guys.

“She came here and told us you needed help because you’re afraid of something” Bobby says while looking to you.

You had to tell someone and finally get rid of Travis for good. You had to let someone know or else Carry will be taken away for good.

“Shall we head inside?” You ask looking between the men.

“After ye love” Chibs says while holding the door for you.

His accent is what you can get used of and him calling you love. A man like him is what you needed, someone who knew how to respect a woman and knew how to treat a woman.

“Y/N!!!!!!!!” Carry yells your name in pure happiness and gets up from her chair to run into your arms.

“Ouch. Baby girl you scared me, I was getting worried someone took you from me” You tell her while still feeling tender from the other nights beating.

“Sorry, I just want to help. Are you still feeling sore?” She asks in a hushed tone feeling really bad for taking off on you like that but she had every right to.

“I know. Look you sit with your new friends and I will be sitting over here talking with these guys ok?” You tell her as you look to Juice who gives you a thumbs up and a smile.

“Ok. One more thing, see if any of them are single” She says in a hushed tone give you a wink.

“I think you are to young to be dating any of these guys care bare” You tell her while everyone chuckles.

“I know that, not me. You” She says and sits with Juice

“Playing matchmaker already. Well Im married” Jax says as you sit at the booth with him, Chibs and Bobby.

“Whats the problem lass?” Chibs asks looking to you with a sympathetic expression.

You look to him as if his eyes are looking deep into your soul, pleading for you to tell him what is going on at home and thats what made you break. No one has ever asked you what was going on and it felt good to be asked that. Carry hears you break down, she goes to sit with you and she gives you a hug.

“I know but you have to tell them” Carry says in a hushed tone while everyone in the shop goes completely quiet.

You try to contain your sobs but you couldnt control them because of holding in so much for so long.

“Can I tell them?” Carry asks in hope you will allow her. You nod while Chibs reaches across to give you a napkin.

“For as long as I can remember her boyfriend Travis has been beating her. It wasnt bad at first, they would just argue” Carry says while remembering all those nights ago when she first came to live with you.

“Now?” Jax asks as he tries to contain his anger

“As the years went by, it got worse. He would beat her until she wasnt conscious anymore. She scared me a few times when I saw she wasnt breathing” Carry says while you remember those nights.

“She couldnt go to the cops because they would send me back to our mom and she doesnt care for me properly” Carry continues while they understand.

“Why ye are afraid of going to the cops” Chibs finally understands the situation.

“I like your accent, I could get used of that” Carry says while looking to Chibs, he breaks a smile

“Thank you, I could get used of ye as well love” Chibs says while looking to Carry.

“We will definitely do somethin about that arsehole” Chibs adds while everyone in the shop rolls out

“Ye address lass?” Chibs asks looking to you and you had no problem giving him the address.

“Juicey boy, keep the girls while we head out” Chibs says while walking out.

“Got it” Juice says while giving Carry a small smile.

They stop in the drive way, Chibs bangs on the door and kicks the door open.

“Oh Im sorry, where are my manners” Chibs says with a sarcastic tone

Travis gets up from the couch quickly to see which asshole kicked down his door. When he saw the guys is when he plays it cool.

“Its alright, my girlfriends place anyway” He says trying to maintain his fear

Chibs gives him a good punch to the face and sees him go flying.

“Thats how she feels when you hit her like that” He says while towering over him.

Chibs kicks him repeatedly, pulls him up to give him a few punches to the face while Happy and Quinn hold him up. Bobby goes to pack up his stuff and amazingly he doesnt have much around the house. He comes down the stairs and tosses his stuff down the floor.

“If I ever hear ye come around here again, I will be happy to do this again and who knows maybe no one wont find ye. Arsehole” Chibs growls to Travis as he crawls out the door and gets into his car and drives away as quickly as he could.

“Lets get this place cleaned up for the girls” Jax says while looking at the mess they made coming into the house.

Chibs goes into the kitchen and sees pictures of you and Carry. He smiles at how happy you look and how unhappy you look with Travis.

“Where is Carry?” You ask looking to Juice

“I placed her in one of the rooms upstairs where she could rest” He says as he comes back into the shop.

“How did you manage to get custody over your sister?” He asks looking to you.

“I dont have custody over her, my mom does. I havent gotten around to doing that yet. I had her move out here with me a few years ago. My mom doesnt even notice, she was too doped up at the time when I went and got her” You tell him

“Carry’s sister keeper” Juice says with a meaningful smile

“Its more like shes her sisters keeper” You correct him after taking the last sip from your whiskey

“I think it goes both ways. The way she talks about you is like as if you swooped in and saved her. And same with her for you” He says while getting more candy from the counter.

The bikes roll in and Juice looks out making sure everyone came back whole.

“Jerk is gone and some of my guys made sure he stayed away” Jax says once he enters the shop.

“Where is Carry?” Chibs asks looking around

“Shes upstairs a sleep” Juice says while going up to wake her up and take her home.

“Ye are going to ride with me and I’ll have Juicey boy take Carry home” Chibs says while standing in front of you.

“Nice angel wings” Happy says once he notices your tattoo sprawled across your shoulder blades and coming down your arm.

“Thanks comes all the way down my back to and some feathers are fallen” You say while lifting your tank top to show him the fall feathers tattoo.

“Sick, thats how you do angel wings tattoo” He says proudly as he lifts his arm to give you a high five. You return the gesture and smile.

“Y/n Im going to ride on my first motor cycle” Carry says as she comes down the stairs with Juice with a happy expression.

“Me to” You place your arm around her neck and wink at her.

“Is she going to be alright on the bike?” Chibs asks looking to Carry while Juice helps her with the helmet.

“She will be fine, shes going to love the ride” You tell him and put on the helmet

The long ride to your house was a great one, you got to ride with your knight and shining armour. While Carry enjoyed with her new found best friend, you loved how Carry looked. Happy and care free without the thought of anything bad going to happen.

Once Chibs and Juice pulls into the drive way is when Carry hurried off into the house.

“Juicey, mind giving me a minute with Y/n” He asks while patting his back and pointing at you.

“Sure thing brother, take your time. Im gonna say good night to Carry and head back but you can stay behind, Ill tell the others” Juice says while heading inside

“Mind if I say goodnight to Carry?” Juice asks patting you on the shoulder.

“Sure, she went running up stars. Her room is the second door on the left” You tell him with a wide smile. Happy your sister has finally made a friend.

“Thanks” He says with a wide smile and went up the stairs.

“Juicey boy got attached quickly” Chibs says from the door.

“Im happy though, she hasnt had a real friend since she moved here. Travis never let her out of his sight” You tell him while you motion towards the kitchen and he follows.

“I hope ye dont mind me staying, just in case the bastard tries to come back” He asks in hopes you will have him stay.

“Please. I can make us coffee” You tell him and begin making the pot.

“Night y/n and it was nice meeting the both of you. Wish it was a different circumstance but happy Carry came by. I hope to see you and Carry more often” He says with a smile and walks out the door.

“Aye, thanks brother” Chibs says watching as he walks out the door.

You and Chibs talk all night, getting to know each other and surprisingly had the same common interest in music, movies, and had the same interest in classic cars.

When the sun rose is when neither of you noticed until the conversation continued on the couch and just loving each others company. Until the both of you fell a sleep in each others arms laying on the couch. Carry woke up feeling refreshed and when she came down to make herself some breakfast is when she noticed you both sleeping.

She got the spread and covered the both of you.

“I can definitely get used of this” She says in a hushed tone and continued to the kitchen.

Soon after the both of you woke up to a fresh pot of coffee waffering through the kitchen and into the living room. You got up with a happy expression while Chibs had the same. You walked into the kitchen while he followed and you gave him a cup and he poured himself coffee.

“I hate to cut this short but I got to get going. I forgot I have a job to handle” He says finishing the last contents of his coffee.

“Well I hope to see you again soon” You tell him

“Really?” He asks in hopes you would say that. You nod with a smile

“How about we get some dinner tonight? I can ask Juice to watch Carry for ye” He asks knowing he would love to hang out with your sister.

“YES!! Say yes y/n” Carry yells from the top of the stairs while you both chuckle.

“Sounds like a date” You tell him and give him a kiss to the lips. He accepts the kiss and pulls away shortly after.

You watch him leave from the living room window, you see him drive way and just before he makes the turn is when he gave a wave. You felt happy and completely free of the burden and it was a great feeling. You knew that you can be happy with Chibs and he can make you feel safe. You are happy Carry had ran to that ice cream shop, if she hadnt you wouldnt have met Chibs and the rest of the guys. You were thankful towards Carry and happy she is with you. Your pride. Your joy. Your everything. Along with an added benefit in Chibs.