#and I know it’ll end badly
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Me, When a plot point in a story is happening and I can’t stop it:
#just struggling#broooooo#why the suspense?#like why#it’s killing me#and I know it’ll end badly#but i’m still here#FUCK#reading problems#back to reading#yeh#🙂
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Great googley moogley it’s all going to shit! Every day becomes exponentially more terrifying!
And all perfectly timed to just right at the start of what’s supposed to be my adult life where I get my shit together and be useful and productive!
#we’re cooked#we’re doomed#idk the end is nigh or whatever god damn#I just wanna be able to live in my own house and draw a guy sometimes without the ever present threat of the horrors is that too much#apparently yeah cause houses aren’t achievable anymore but man#m a n#especially if you didn’t/couldn’t go to college and aren’t capable of working most jobs#doesn’t help there’s the chance some part of my existence might be suddenly illegal or extremely dangerous yippie!#the options are literally 1. people die 2. people die what the hell do you even do man#how the fuck is this the election I’m gonna get forced to be a part of we’re living in hell#and nobody around me believes it’ll get bad yay great oh so wonderful#I can’t wait to lose rights and cause millions of deaths regardless of who gets chosen#I think one of these days I’m literally just gonna die of stress#it’ll either be a stroke or a heart attack or cancer or uh well ya know#we’re fucked#we’re screwed#I wanna have some kind of an actually visible break down but ive suppressed everything so much that I don’t outwardly emote much anymore :)#and the constantly dissociating thing too I guess#if you ever think ‘oh yeah I can just think of guy in a situation that’s so cool’ don’t it’s a trap—#although tbh this would be significantly worse without it so uh law of equivalent exchange I guess#fuck fuck fuck anyway#not putting this in the main tags#definitely deleting this later#if anyone in my house got any hints that I may or may not have different opinions than them well uh I’m financially dependent on them so um#literally wouldn’t have anywhere to go if anything happened#oh we’re really in it now Simon#hell world#there’s like what 7 genocides going on too I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything#I can’t do anything to help anyone either cause I don’t have a job and I could get kicked out or treated badly at home for it#not that anyone thinks very highly of me at home anyway I am kinda family disappointment number 2 I pretty sure
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I agreed to meet up with someone for dinner and I just found out the whole polycule is coming.
#jeeeesuuuuuusssssssss. like I don’t even want to meet her let alone the throuple.#I didn’t know it was possible to come on too strongly platonically until now. chill please.#I’ve met her 1.5 times and get multiple daily messages and if I don’t answer I still get ‘HAI!!!’. I want to step in front of a bus this is#stressing me out so badly. I already said before I couldn’t meet. I said I couldn’t go to dinner. then I went to a local meet up and saw#her at the end of the table. I waved at sat at the other end but tried to not really engage. I feigned difficulty hearing over the din. she#started texting me. At the end she came up and was like ‘it’s too noisy here’ and I agreed and left then BEFORE I GET HOME I get a text#TELLING ME when she can go to dinner. I did not suggest we meet somewhere quieter.#she brought someone from the polycule with her to the event and they were just. so dejected and sullen and wouldn’t really acknowledge me#when she tried to introduce us at the start. why why why why. I don’t want to do this.#all because she asked about my sexuality and I got a little too open being glad to speak with another queer lady for like half an hour on#insta. if I could go back in time I would not have responded. this is just insane to me. I regret that so much this is going to suck ass.#my social anxiety is causing such a spiral right now.#it’ll be fine. it’ll be fine. maybe I’ll have fun. I just hate getting spammed messages online and I hate meeting up other strangers.
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aaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
#brain is being weird again. i miss the person i thought you were before i found out how truly truly horrible you are#but that person doesn’t exist! i never met them because they aren’t real!#i just wanna meet my person yk. like yeah i don’t want to be in a relationship bc that sounds exhausting but also#it wouldn’t be exhausting if it was my person. i wanna know someone. i wanna learn how someone works.#i wanna take care of someone and be taken care of without asking.#and like the thing is is i definitely have my people in my friends like i already have them in this way#and i appreciate that so so much which is why i won’t settle for anything less ever again and why i’m no longer actively seeking something#but i really do just miss clicking that well with someone right off the bat. and i know most of it was probably 1) me being lied to and 2)#me trying to make myself palatable for him#but i haven’t felt that truly blatantly appreciated in a long time#i just wish that fate would work a little faster at putting my person into my lap is all#i’m not even gonna say that it doesn’t have to be The Person i’ll end up with and can just be One Of the people along the way#because now that feels like settling and if the universe doesn’t want me to settle then i won’t#and i’m not trying to be impatient because i know that it’ll happen when it’s supposed to and i can’t force anything#i just want it to happen so badly. i want to have my cute love story. i want to have it last longer than a week. in a good way this time.#and i know i vent a lot about this in my tags but this time feels different#i just want what is supposed to happen to happen. and i want to feel comforted knowing that it will.#i just need a sign that it’s gonna happen someday so i don’t lose my mind waiting for it#that i’m in the right place. and i’m right where i’m supposed to be#idk. i just know i don’t deserve to feel alone anymore. especially when i know i’m not.#this feels like a prayer. maybe it is. whatever.#mari is irrelevant
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moodboard for when you have to look up ‘hymenectomy’
#at my big age 😭😭#tmi post#tw medical#medical tw#cw medical#medical cw#and the earliest appt w a specialist was at the end of april… PLEASE let me in let me IN#and who knows how long it’ll take to schedule any kind of procedure after that#all this just bc i want a hormonal IUD so that i can stop bleeding out badly enough every month to cause anemia issues#also would be cool to like. idk. have a normal functioning body#shoutout to my pcp dr ****** being like yeah we’re not getting in there. gonna need a specialist for this. she’s a real one tho#literally the kindest healthcare provider i’ve ever had
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the girl in my header just got a boyfriend. she’s twelve. TWELVE.
#i saw her close friends insta story#SHES TWELVE#IM TURNING 18 WHY CANT I HAVE THAT#all these kids around me are pairing up and I HAVE NO ONE#and sure it’s all puppy love and it’ll probably end badly or whatever tf#but i just want to feel loved you know#i’d even settle for a friend just please i don’t want to be alone anymore
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The whole password-sharing thing happening at a point where Netflix’s quality is arguably decreasing at a pretty steady rate is wild. Netflix used to be THE place to go for streaming movies and TV, and now there are so many other competitors - many of which have better originals, and many of whom have been actively poaching from Netflix’s selection of licensed shows and movies. The only thing I use Netflix for atm is Seinfeld and the occasional movie, even though I used to watch it all the time. And now they’ve introduced a restriction that actually devalues their own service by limiting its convenience, which is literally what the brand was initially built on. This always would’ve been a bad move, but if they’d introduced it 4-5 years ago before the market fractured into 25 different streaming services they probably could’ve gotten away with it. Now it’s just business suicide because a whole bunch of people who were on the fence already, and barely use Netflix, and hang onto the subscription “just in case” (like me) are gonna cancel. And anyone who didn’t consider it worth the money before absolutely won’t pay for it now that you’ve actively undermined one of your main selling points. What the fuck is happening over at Netflix HQ. Who ever let this be a thing
#good riddance I guess but. wow#can’t remember the last time a brand misunderstood their own target market this badly#as a side note I know they’re doing this bc the number of new subscribers levelled off before they became profitable and now#they’re desperate to find a way to deliver for their shareholders#it’s like when a struggling company lays ppl off for a temporary boost to the bottom line#even though they know it’ll make the product worse and ultimately hurt sales#beginning-of-the-end behaviour
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Vent
#the most annoying part is that I can’t even admit myself even tho I’m SO close to ending it all#i know it’ll make everyone around me even madder#i would love to go away for a month and then come back to a family who was emotionally sensitive to me#but the world would fucking end if I did ONE thing for mysekf without notifying my family so they can talk me out of it#I’m tired and I want someone to hold me and sing to me#…..it’s almost Mother’s Day and I miss the way she would hug and sing to me#she’s probably having a great time with her her church and life and friends#while I’m suffering with the same wounds she gave me years ago#i need to babied again I cannot actually deal with adulthood I can’t do it#i don’t wanna think about death and hell anymore#I’m just so scared and alone and I never get hugged and my body really hurts#my body hurts not just from chronic pain but from how badly I need to be hugged I feel sick#i wanna go home….#but I dunno where that is:(#I’m so sad and so tired and so scared :((((((#i do nt wanna be alive any myree I cagbt do it
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it’s so hard being a lesbian, bc it’s in our nature to bring out the u-haul immediately, but also, i have a really bad habit of rushing things in an unhealthy way, and losing myself. so now i’m trying to take things slow with ppl (it’s…difficult 🙂)
#really liking someone so i wanna barrel through all the stages of a relationship at once#but also i need the time and space so it doesn’t get weird and everything gets ruined#like it’s a very damned if i do/damned if i don’t#bc i feel like if i rush things it’ll ruin everything#but if i don’t rush things it’ll ruin things bc it’ll make things uncomfortable bc it doesn’t seem like i like them as much?#i am aware this isn’t true in any way#my brain is just cracked lol#relationships scare me and i’m soooo rusty bc i haven’t done this shit in like five years#and my last serious relationship was a complete dumpster fire#which completely fucked with my head in ways i am still recovering from#it made all my anxiety worse so now i’m even MORE of a people pleaser#i have to be all perfect and cool or they will be mad at me#if i do something wrong (even if i didn’t actually do anything) they will get mad at me#and i still walk on eggshells around everyone even though i know none of the people close to me would do that#like just suddenly turn on me without warning#i was also raised by a father who did the same thing so there’s that#also this is all completely in general btw#like i’m just venting about how all my relationships have even affected by this over the years#i’ve been so desperate for love i rush headlong into the first relationship and it completely takes me over and i lose myself and it’s#horrible bc it always ends badly#and i don’t wanna do that anymore#i wanna learn to love ppl a lot but still remain my own person as well#i don’t wanna lose myself so much i don’t know who i am anymore#it’s really fucking difficult tho bc i’m so used to it#but i hope to be able to figure it out#maybe even with someone who knows#anyways random late night vent bc i have so many thoughts lately and i’ve come to the conclusion on why i feel so weird#bc i keep feeling like i’m crawling out of my skin and i think i know why#anyways to summarise: i’m not gonna fake how i feel but i’m not gonna rush so much#and i’m seeing how things go 👍🏻
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When it’s said and done
Life is better sharing with someone…
I found the the truth just layin’ next to you
And I know you see me
Pair of eyes
How can we prepare for life?
Don’t compete or compare with mine
Pair with mine
With those pair of eyes
I’m not leaving
Paralyzed
#those who knew me know how I badly I was afraid of falling in love#how afraid of commitment#and despite being scared at times#my love for you is so much greater than all my fears n insecurities#even when the world is out against me I will still choose you#bc I know each and every lifetime it’ll be us in the end#spotify#🧸
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One thing about me is I have absolutely zero concept of the size of my own body
#you know how most people when they buy trousers will probably get them with about the same length of inseam. maybe with a 2’’ difference#give or take; depending on the manufacturer or just the cut/style/waistline of the trouser#and you know how like.. most people won’t willingly buy a trouser that’s 8’’ too short for their legs unless they want cropped trousers#yeah. so tell me why the trousers (and leggings and jeans and etc) in my wardrobe range from a 28’’ inseam to 36’’#i’ll tell you why. THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME#i know rationally that my legs are 36’’ long but i just. forget to check the length of what i’m ordering#i just think ‘oh it’ll be fine’. WILL IT. WILL IIIIT#the other day i ordered a pair of work trousers and they arrived and i tried them on and they must’ve been 26’’ long at most#it was absolutely ridiculous. at least i had the wherewithal to return them#i’ll be honest if it’s leggings or pyjamas i honestly don’t care. make them a foot too short for me it doesn’t matter anymore#i have started to go the other way when it comes to regular trousers though. i’ll be on LTS like ‘i wonder what the 38’’ would look like#on me’ girl. stop.#i either assume that i’m smaller than i am or way bigger. i’m getting really into crocheting tops and i tried to make a bra cup#tell me why it ended up as big as my head. they’re not THAT big. the xl size would’ve done just fine 😭#i need to get some perspective like badly. and a soft tape measure#personal
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once again facing unstoppable force (anxiety-driven need to finish my work) vs immovable object (brain doesn’t wanna do anything but think abt little gay people)
#solution: write tumblr post#I JUST figured out a fix to my plot problem in this story I’ve been thinking abt#and I rlly rlly badly wanna start fleshing out these characters bc this is the story I’ve been most excited abt in a long time#it’s also combining a bunch of elements I’ve been playing with for a long time but never fit#and I am obsessed with all of the character concepts I have rn. there are 4 and this caters DIRECTLY to me#I’m getting much better at crushing the anxiety spikes that are uh. like. vaguely scrupulously ig that kept me from making things do ages#in favour of going hard on self indulgence and I’m having a great time#scrupulosity* as in i worry incessantly abt readings and sociopolitical implications until I’m just exhausted by the concept and drop it#sometimes you can just have fun luke it’s okay#but yeah I am!! and I wanna draw them all and do more stuff but#I have THIS FUCKING LECTURE. most boring frustrating man alive hislectures SHOULD BE GOOD but he SUCKS#he cannot get to the point and takes so many detours which are COOL but he’s so pretentious about it his lectures are PAINFUL#I get headaches within a few minutes of listening to him talk this hasn’t happened since I was sleep deprived in the v basic first year 9ams#and I’m on the last one. out of four. I have half an hour left. but this half an hour is insurmountable#and I gotta finish it bc I have so much other stuff to do (only two more lectures (better)!!! but also coursework now#which is easier!! and I know how to do both of them but it’ll take a chunk of time and I’m committed to getting it done by end of next week#okay. okay fine. I will watch this dumb fucking lecture and it will hurt#but once it’s done I will literally never have to listen to him talk again this is it forever. one last stretch#and then I can mess w my story while I have food. I can do this. pray for me#luke.txt
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what a thrilling and exhausting day!! i’m trying to not get too hopeful about getting cast, but at this point my heart is so in it!
#trying my hardest to let it go and just let whatever happens happen#but i know no matter what if i don’t get in it’ll hurt a lot#but i have to remember that i’m looking out for several cast lists and this isn’t the only show i have a shot in#but i still want to hope so badly for it#i can talk myself into circles but at the end of the day i should never rationalize or control my feelings#so i’m going to feel that hope and if i don’t get in i will let myself feel that hurt and rejection#i’ll let myself cry so hard it hurts#and we’ll keep moving forward#you can’t become a good actor by ignoring your emotions#you have to feel every one of them and get used to it
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He walked by smelling like clean laundry and hot coffee, all blue eyes and bright smile, and it was the closest I ever came to believing that I could die on the spot and go straight to heaven.
#w#I’m documenting this because I know it’ll end badly for me#but I know it’ll feel so good in the moment#call me a glutton for punishment#or trying to make myself feel something so I can induce catharsis later lol#writings
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*Has so much creative energy that needs to be let out* *Will literally start crying if she even looks at her stylus*
#story of my life#like I want to draw but I know it’ll end badly and I’m not in the headspace for an art related breakdown rn#I have enough going on thank you very much#these spirals are so fucking exhausting istg
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I’ve gone from being terrified that this allergic reaction is going to kill me to hoping that tonight it suffocates me in my sleep.
#p#I’m so ready to go but I can’t I can’t hurt people#I know that nobody will listen until tehy see a photo of me and my coffin but by then it’s too late#but also o don’t want life to be all about me I just want to help other people#I’m just screaming out that I’m in so much pain that I feel like obly death can save me#and nobody is taking it seriously nobody is really that concerned bc they know I won’t do it#but I’ll tell you once my mum or my cat are gonna I 1000000% am going to follow#I already know I’ll destroy my brain right now but I’ll still be alive#why why why god why is this happening#PLEASE tell me why this is happening I just want to be saved I don’t care how just take this away!! TAKE THIS AWAY#I can’t scream it any louder just please take this away#I’m not built for this and I just want to put a bullet through my head#it’ll stop the itching and it’ll stop the relentless images of you and him#it’ll destroy my hideous face and my vile emotions#I WANT TO BE GONE THIS IS THE IBLY PLACE I CAN SAY IT BUT I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO KILL MYSELF RIGHT NOW SO BADLY#THE ETERNAL NOTHING AND NO HEART AND NO FEELINGS CALLS TO ME#TAKE THIS ALL AWAY FROM ME GOD IM BEGGING YOU#END MY PATHETIC MEANINGLESS LIFE PLEASE STOP THIS TORTURE HAVE MERCY ON ME#PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON ME I JUST WANT TO BE PUT OUT OF MY MISRY#no one here can help me and I can’t help myself so END IT PLEASE#as the darkness leave you I writhe here in the dark hoping the the earth swallows me UP#I WANT TO DIE RIGJT NOW I WANT TO BE KILLED RIGJT NOW RIGHT NOW
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