#and I haven’t really stopped crying for 5 hours except to eat dinner

[fruitpunchbitch]

…

[broadstbroskis]

no better company than you | nathan mackinnon

a/n: alright, i’m rolling in late for @antoineroussel oussel summer exchange (thank you love, for running such a lovely exchange again, it was wonderful and i’m glad i was able to particiapte) and i’m very sorry for the lateness! i had the pleasure of writing for the lovely @ghstandpucks​ 💜 again, i am SO sorry about the wait but i hope you enjoy this! 

word count: 3.2k

-----

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry I’m late!” You slide into the booth and throw your bag down next to you, hoping to god you don’t look as frazzled as you feel; this restaurant is far too nice.

Nate just smiles at your words, too familiar with your family by now to know that you’re always running 5-10 minutes behind. He’s ordered a bottle of wine- a nice rosé, fitting for the beautiful end of summer day- and had already started pouring a matching glass for you the second you started sitting down. “How’d the interview go?”

You bite your lip. “Eh.” 

“I’m sure it went better than you think.” Nate says encouragingly. “You’re too hard on yourself. All three of you are.”

And well, that’s not a lie. Your siblings were just as critical of themselves as you were. Sid was famously known for it and Taylor, your twin, was as bad as you. But…

“Listen to you!” You laugh at him. Nate’s just as bad as the three of you. A mini-Sid in many ways, to many people in your hometown.

But that was in Canada. This was Denver. And here, Nate was cool. Laid-back. Lowkey. Everything a professional athlete should be. Nobody knew about what a dork he really was, except his teammates.

And now, maybe you too, if all went well with this job interview.

“Don’t know what you’re talking about.” Nate says, looking at his menu to feign ignorance.

You giggle, pulling your own up toward your face. “Sure, buddy.”

It’s not often that you and Nate spend time one on one like this, even if you see him all the time over the summer. He’s usually with your brother when you see him, politely trying to decline your mom’s invites to dinner or already hanging at Sid’s house when you invite yourself over to your brother’s house for pool or lake time. Usually time one on one with Nate like this is brief, usually like in passing while he’s waiting for Sid in the kitchen while you’re eating.

It’s nice. Nate’s funnier than people give him credit for and it’s easy to relax into dinner and conversation, to forget about the anxiety from your interview as you chat about what’s new for both of you and gossip about people you both know.

By the time he drops you off at your hotel, it’s late and you’re too tired (and maybe just on the right side of tipsy) to even worry about the interview. You just barely change into pajamas, run through your nightly routine, and climb into bed, before shutting the lights off. It feels like you’re asleep before your head even hits the pillow. 

In the morning, you’re awoken by the sound of your phone ringing, and it takes a second for you to place the sound, but when you do you pounce on it, recognizing the local area code immediately. “Good morning.” You say, trying your hardest not to sound like you woke up literally thirty seconds ago.

It’s human resources, from the job you interviewed for yesterday.

You got it.

-----

“Ew, no!” Your dad holds his hands up innocently, when you rush over to stop him from unpacking a box. “Why would you put that there?”

“Hey, sweetie, maybe it’s time for a break.” Your mom says gently, exchanging a look with your dad, who nods his agreement enthusiastically.

Which is fair. You’d just about almost taken his fingers off just because you didn’t like where he was unpacking colanders. 

“Dinner!’” Your dad latches onto immediately. “Nate offered to take us all out tonight, I’ll let him know we’re ready.”

“Ready?” You frown, looking down at your workout shorts and baggy t-shirt.

“We’ll be ready in an hour.” He amends, already texting Nate.

Nate knocks on the door to the new condo you’re renting an hour and fifteen minutes later, sheepishly grinning when your dad tells him that you and your mom still need a few minutes. “Thought I had my timing perfect.”

Your dad snorts. “Oh buddy. Keep dreaming.”

He’s not too off on his timing, but unfortunately for Nate, you don’t have too much else going for you in your condo yet. Your dad had gotten your TV all set up, but in addition to the TV and living room furniture, you haven’t gotten much else, and that includes food and beverages. So the two of them sit in mostly silence while they wait another few minutes for you and your mom to finish getting ready. 

“I told you that you should have just met us there.” You tell Nate, as he trips on a box on his way out the door.

“Oh, so this wasn’t deliberate sabotage?” He deadpans.

“You caught me. Just trying to keep you around the city full time until I have time to make better friends.”

Nate laughs, as the two of you follow your parents out the door. “Be nicer to me or I won’t introduce you to my friends.”

“Who said I want to be friends with your friends?”

“Children.” Your mom turns to look back at you and Nate smiles at her innocently, but it’s been a while since that’s fooled her. “Do we need to stay home?”

It serves to get the two of you moving, even as you laugh at her joke. Nate drives you to another one of his favorite restaurants, and dinner flies by, with Nate insisting on picking up the tab, even when your dad tries to fight him on it. 

It’s started to cool down a little by the time you’re walking back toward the car, Nate and your dad still fake-fighting about paying for dinner, and you find yourself not realizing you’re smiling at the two of them as you walk behind them until your mom bumps your shoulder. “A few hours off for dinner with some good company was just what you needed.” She says.

And even though the smile on her face seems too knowing, you’re too tired to ask about it right now, so you just nod in agreement. “Yeah, this was nice.” You smile back at her.

-----

Mel Landeskog pokes her head around the corner and you wave at her, trying to catch her attention. “Jesus Christ.” She shakes her head. “I didn’t think he was serious.”

“I mean.” You bite your lip. “I did have to work today.”

“I would have picked you up!” She shakes her head, muttering under her breath, and you know Nate’s going to get an earful from her later. “But no, no. That dumbass just let you come all the way over here by yourself. Sends me a text to come meet you by the door. All casual.”

“I mean.” You send her a look. “Did you expect anything different from Nate?”

It’s the way she looks at you and sets her face that almost has you nervous for Nate. You’ve known Mel for a long time now, but really, you don’t know her from more than just years of NHL events. “I do now.” She says.

You hope Nate knew what he was getting himself into sending Mel a text to come find you earlier.  

Once she leads you up into the box with some of the wives and kids, she’s back to smiling and laughing, making introductions all around. The mood all around is light and easy, everyone excited for the home opener of the season, and happy to be back with everyone again. 

It’s fun to be back in this atmosphere. Hockey’s been a part of your life for so long and there’s truly nothing like the energy of the first game of the season. You feed off the energy, catching up with some familiar faces and chatting with all the other girls, probably too excited when they invite you to a girl’s night later in the week, but it feels good to have plans that don’t involve trying to invite yourself to Nate’s when you’re bored.

“Hey, good job tonight.” You nudge him afterwards, catching up with him in the family room.

He laughs, pulling you in for a hug. “A little different than what you were used to?”

“It lived up to the hype, I guess.”

“I’ll turn you from a Pens fan.” Nate promises. 

It’s your turn to laugh. “Feel Sid’s wrath.”

“What’s he going to do? Check me into the boards? Bring it.”

Nate’s been hanging out with your brother and your family for years now, so he should really know better by now. “Okay, buddy.” You pat his shoulder patronizingly. “Sure.”

“I could take him.” Nate insists. 

“Throw hands. Next game. I dare you.” 

He side-eyes you, because you both know that’s not going to happen and it’s only a minute before you’re both laughing. 

“I better see you on Friday!” Ashley Kadri shouts out to you as she’s walking past with Naz and Naylah, interrupting your laughter. “No excuses!”

“I’ll be there!” You call back. “Promise!”

When you look back, Nate’s pouting-exaggerated, albeit, but pouting. “Are you ditching me this Friday?”

“Yup. Found better company.”

“How dare you?” He cries. “There is no better company.”

“Well.” You shrug. “I’ll know for sure after happy hour on Friday.”

“Find your own ride home.” Nate says and then he starts speed walking away from you at an absurd speed.

“Nate!” You protest, jogging to catch up and he finally slows down enough for you to catch up when you round the corner, bumping your shoulder right back when you purposely bump into him in retaliation.

-----

No one lets loose like a group of moms when they’ve got a night without their kids.

Someone has mentioned this to you before, at a bachelorette party or a wedding or something, but you don’t think you’ve ever seen it really in action before until this happy hour. 

“If the waitress comes back, order me another drink!” Kerry calls, before running off to the bathroom.

The waitress nods at her, before addressing the rest of you. “Another round?”

“Oh, please!” Mel nods quickly and repeatedly.

“Can we get a few more orders of mozzarella sticks too, please?” You look down at the empty plates in front of you. “And maybe some nachos too?”

“Yes!” Jackie lights up across from you. “Great call!”

It pretty much only goes downhill from there and by the end of the night, both Mel and Ashley are crying for reasons no one is sure of entirely and you’re pretty grateful to see Nate among the group of husbands and boyfriends to come to pick up all their girlfriends.

So grateful you scream his name the second you see him. “Nate!”

He winces, trying to pull his ear away from you, but he’s laughing. “Guess you had a good time, huh?”

“Uh huh!” You nod enthusiastically, not realizing how loud you are until he winces again.

Nate laughs. “Alright, I think it’s time to go home.”

You gasp loudly. “I can’t leave my new friends!”

“Your new friends are all leaving you!”

You frown, but look around and realize he’s right. Naz has already sneakily pulled Ashley out of the bar and Gabe and Erik were collecting Mel and Jackie’s things. “Oh.”

“Oh?” Nate parrots. “Come on, get your stuff, crazy girl.”

“Hey!” You protest, grabbing your purse. “I am the least crazy person in my family.”

“I hate to break it to you.” Nate says, as he guides you into standing. “But that’s not saying much.”

He’s right, but you bump him with your shoulder anyway as you walk past. That’s about sibling honor and shit.

Nate parked too far away and by the time you reach his car, you’re leaning on him, the adrenaline from hanging out with friends wearing off quickly. Nate’s nice about it, guiding you to his car and then helping you into his front seat before heading around to the driver’s side. 

“You guys had a fun time then?” Nate says, once he’s started driving and you’re half asleep leaning against the window. “Looks like it at least.”

“Yeah.” You nod sleepily. “But you were right.”

He chuckles. “About what?”

“There’s no better company than you.”

-----

Nate becomes pretty clingy after that night, texting and facetiming whenever he’s out of town, and stopping by pretty much anytime he’s got a free minute. It quickly becomes something you look forward to, missing his visits when he’s out of town and looking forward to his calls, smiling when his texts come in and breaking up your work day. And it isn’t long before you realize that you’re being just the same. Sending him messages before and after games. Inviting yourself over for dinner and making Nate cheat on his diet.

In a blessed move from the NHL scheduling department, Sid and the rest of the Pens are scheduled to arrive in town on a Friday morning and aren’t leaving until the end of the weekend. 

They have a practice scheduled for early afternoon, which is perfect for you to wrap up your work day before heading over to watch the end.

Geno lights up when he sees you watching from the glass, the first person to acknowledge you, and skating over in the middle of the drill, leaving behind two shocked linemates. “Mini!” He shouts cheerfully, even as you roll your eyes at your least favorite nickname. All because you happen to be the shortest of your siblings. “Great to see you.”

“You too, Geno.” You smile warmly at him, a little annoyed that you can’t get a giant bear hug from your favorite pseudo-older brother right away. “But I don’t think a few other people feel the same right now.” You jerk your chin back over his shoulder. 

He turns his head quickly but then looks back. “Psh. They’ll get over it.”

You bust out laughing, which is right about when your brother comes over, and in classic Sid fashion, is all about hockey. “Stop being a distraction.”

“I was minding my own business until Geno came over here!” You protest, even as Geno starts laughing and Sid eyes you skeptically. 

“Why don’t I believe that one?” Sid says dryly and sure, maybe you were making faces at some of the guys you knew well as they were passing you, but you weren’t actively being a distraction.

“That’s your prerogative.” You tell Sid, who shakes his head and pulls Geno back for the remainder of practice. 

Practice doesn’t last for too much longer and you spend a few minutes chatting with the coaching staff while you wait for Sid to change. But he and Geno finally come out of the locker room and you stop mid-sentence to throw yourself at your brother.

Sid’s laughing and so are you, but both of you start laughing even harder when Geno pulls you both into his arms. “Two of my favorite people!”

“Taylor’s going to be so offended.” Kris grins, watching the three of you amused.

“Taylor?” You grin back at him, going for a hug once Geno releases you. “How about his wife and kid?”

“Those are my other favorite people.” Geno reasons.

“Now I’m offended.” Kappy deadpans.

“You’re not even close.” Geno grins, roughing his hair.

Kappy tries to get him right back, but Geno just swats his hand away and then Sid’s shaking his head, like this is just the same shit, different day. “Look what you did.”

You grin, leaning against him. “Not sorry. I’ve missed this entertainment.”

Sid shakes his head. “Then you can round them up for dinner.”

You do. Easily.

Nate had suggested one of the team’s favorite restaurants and you’re happy to see that he’d accepted your invitation to join everyone, even if he rolls in a little late. You’re deep into Kris’ camera roll, looking at pictures of his kids and catching up on stories that you haven’t heard about them recently, so you don’t even notice he’s arrived and said hello already until he blows on the back of your neck.

You jump. “What the hell?”

Nate’s grinning. “Hey.”

You shake your head at him and bump your shoulders against him. “Hey.” You mimic and then turn right back to Kris.

But your shoulder stays leaning on Nate, and it remains there comfortably all night.

-----

Sid’s a little cranky when you first meet him for breakfast the morning after the game and you’re sure it has everything to do with the last minute turnover that cost them the game (and bragging rights over Nate this summer, which is really what he’s probably cranky about).

He gets over it pretty quickly though, and soon the two of you are laughing and talking, catching up about your family and your lives.

“-and I even love my office, the vibes are just great!”

Sid shakes his head. “Vibes.”

You grin. You know he hates that word. “Good vibes.” You confirm.

“So you’re liking Denver?”

“Love it.” You confirm, smiling.

“Meeting good people?”

You eye him skeptically. “Yes dad. I already said my coworkers are great and I’ve been hanging out with Nate and his friends a lot too. It’s good”

“Geno thinks there’s something going on between you and Nate.” Sid says casually.

The jump of your heart is far from casual. “Oh yeah?”

Sid eyes you but his response to that is surprising. “You know if there was something going on between you and Nate that would be okay?” He pauses, watching you again, but your face is completely neutral, purposely not moving. “Right?”

“You know if there was something going on between me and Nate that your opinion wouldn’t matter at all, right?”

He grins, laughing as he nods, but after he takes a bite of pancakes he says, “To you, yeah. To him, it does.”

“Why?” You blurt out, giving yourself away before you can stop yourself.

But Sid doesn’t say anything to that. He grins again and then changes the subject entirely.

-----

You only make it about a day before you’re knocking on Nate’s door, pretty forcefully.

“What’s up?” He swings the door open, with a frown. “You okay?”

“Does what my brother thinks really matter to you that much?” You blurt out. It’s been bothering you ever since Sid mentioned it at breakfast. That you lasted this long was probably a miracle.

Nate blushes and your jaw drops. “It-”

“Oh my god.” You grin delightedly. “Come on, really?”

“That’s not-” He blows out a frustrated sigh. “You’re really going to make me say it?”

You nod, but you’re pretty sure he’s not going to get far into what he’s going to say.

He sighs again. “It’s not about, like, his approval, or shit. It’s just- he’s important to you. So obviously he’s important to me-”

You kiss him. 

“You know that you don’t even have to worry about that, right?” At some point, you’d slid one hand to his hip and the other arm around his neck, and the hand there plays with the hair at the nape of his neck. 

“I’ll argue about that with you later.” Nate says impatiently and so you’re laughing when he kisses you again.

[rhysismydaddy]

Casual Ruin Pt. 5 (Elriel)

Elain's part of the Damnation series.

Last part! I know I said this would be 6/7 parts, but I realized I have no idea what the fuck I had planned to write in those parts, so it's 5 instead hahah. didn't edit the ending whoops

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

__________________________________________

~Elain~

It's three in the morning when I hear it.

We're laying in bed, and even though I should asleep like the man next to me, I can't stop thinking about how little time we have left.

How has the past month gone by so fast?

It feels like yesterday I was standing on my stoop, watching Azriel open up and tell me things he's since admitted he's never told another person.

It feels like yesterday since I decided that I care for him more than I care about what he does.

But it wasn't yesterday; it was a month ago.

A month that's been filled with dinner dates, soft smiles, laughter, and enough tender moments my heart feels full. He's a

The plane ticket hidden in the bottom of my purse is a constant reminder that this is just a summer fling, that it isn't supposed to mean anything. Two weeks from now, I'm supposed to get on that flight and never look back.

Except it feels impossible.

It broke my heart when I walked away from him a month ago, and that was before he told me the details of his life.

Now I know him.

I know about the way he smiles in the morning and how he shakes his head when he laughs, like he can't believe he's doing so. I've learned how ticklish his ribs are, how he likes his coffee, his favorite type of cigarettes.

I know about his family, how his mother died giving birth to him and his father resented him from the day it happened. I know about the first man he killed, how it made him sick. I know what his tattoos really mean.

And what I never could've expected is that everything I've learned, the good and the bad, have tied me to him in a way that feels permanent.

How am I supposed to just walk away from that?

The thought of never seeing his smile, never feeling his rough hands cup my face with a gentleness he doesn't show the world... it feels like missing a part of me.

And it worries me enough I haven't been able to sleep for the past two nights. Like I'm incapable of wasting a minute, I spend the nights watching him sleep.

Which is why I'm perfectly awake when he pulls me close in his sleep and whispers two words that ruin me.

Ti amo.

Tears well in my eyes as I stay perfectly still, replaying the moment over and over.

He loves me.

It's something I knew--something we both probably knew--ever since that day in the rain, but I think we both never said it because we knew our time is limited.

It's been in every touch, every kiss, every moment where we get caught up just staring at each other.

But I want to tell him, I have to tell him, because however good it makes me feel to hear that from him... I know he needs it more.

He's never been loved--never been anyone's first choice, but he's mine, and I want him to know. And I don't want to be just one more person that leaves him and makes him wondering if he'll ever be enough.

So I start to plan.

~A week later, Azriel~

Well, the worst has happened.

I love the fucking woman.

Now my biggest weakness now walks outside my body, with soft brown eyes and dirty blonde hair and bright smiles that light up the world.

And she's leaving in a week.

It scares the shit out of me.

She scares the shit out of me.

Honestly, I hadn't even realized I was in so deep until she said the words "We're done."

All I remember about that day is feeling I'd been stabbed in the chest and looking down to find the blade but not seeing anything but my own hands.

One moment I was convinced I was dying, the next I was in front of her on her stoop, telling her shit I've never told a living soul.

It wasn't then that I realized I love her, but that was when I realized something maybe even more important. I trust her.

Rule 3's been thrown out the window, and I don't even remember when it happened. Was it when she told me I'm not a monster? Or the first time I noticed the way her lips turn up every time I tell her she's beautiful?

Or maybe it was the first time I laid eyes on her as she stumbled into that opera booth, looking like everything I never knew I wanted.

Either way, I'm about a mile up shit's creek with no fucking paddle.

I trust her, love her, and I've only known her ten weeks. Which reminds me, she's leaving.

Which is irritating, because while the mere thought of watching her leave makes me want to level a building, she's currently acting like nothing's wrong.

She's in the bathroom, putting on red lipstick in a slow, taunting way that makes me want to mess it up. I'm sitting in the chair next to my bed, trying to stay calm.

She's watching me watch her in the mirror, and her eyes meet mine for a split second before she looks away, making me suspicious.

That look... I've seen that look before, more times than I can count.

But never from her.

It's a secret.

She looks like she's hiding something.

"Something you need to tell me?" I ask, putting a hand behind my head to prop it up.

Nodding, she comes to stand at the foot of the bed. "Yep."

I raise a brow. "What is it?"

"I'll tell you tonight if you meet me for dinner."

Suspicion and curiosity make me ask, "Where?"

"La Rosa," she responds casually, making me narrow my eyes. It's outside of the city a bit, a small place on the coast I've never had an interest in owning or visiting.

"I've never been there."

"New experiences are good for the soul," she quips, sliding on her sandals. "Just say you'll meet me."

There's a hint of nerves in her voice, so I say, "Of course, dolce mia."

She smiles, victorious. Then she's bounding over, taking my face between her palms, and pressing her mouth to mine.

Before I can ask what she's up to, she's out the door, calling over her shoulder, "Seven o'clock! I'll meet you there."

I get up and slide my jacket on, slipping my hand in the pocket and toying with the piece of metal I've been carrying around for a month.

Sighing, I take it out and throw it on the counter, knowing that if this life has taught me one thing, it's that it won't make a difference.

~

When seven o'clock rolls around, I'm seated at a table, frowning at my surroundings.

I've definitely never been here.

No man has, I'm willing to bet. At least not on his own volition.

There are flowers everywhere. Spilling out of vases, growing on the vines surrounding the open windows, lining the doors that are open to the patio out back.

Besides that, I guess the place isn't too bad, actually. The lights are soft, the weather's nice, and by the smells coming from tables around me, the food will be good.

Elain's running a few minutes late, but she called and told me to go ahead and order.

Apparently, she's come here before, because she told me what to order her. Odd.

A few minutes after I relay the information to the waitress, I spot her coming in the front door and wave her over.

She's a little flushed, her eyes are bright, and the smile on her face gives no doubt she's excited.

I stand up when she reaches me, kiss her, then ask, "What's going on?"

"Nothing," she says too quickly. "Did you order?"

"Yeah. Have you been here before or something?"

She nods, diverting her eyes down and to the right in the classic tell of a lie.

I sigh, frustration getting the better of me. "Elain, what are you hiding from me?"

Before she can answer, the food comes. Two plates of pasta are set in front of us, and I know instantly I was right about the food being good.

But no matter how good it looks, there's only one thing on my mind.

"Elain."

She waves a hand. "Just eat, Azriel. I promise I'll tell you in like five minutes."

"Why not just tell me now?"

"It's more dramatic this way," she explains, making me sigh again.

Women.

She's going to give me a fucking heart attack with her drama.

A little aggressively, I stab the fork in the pasta, taking a huge bite.

I feel her eyes on me, watching me eat, but I act like I don't notice, mentally counting down the seconds until five minutes is up.

I'm at 263 when she asks, "Do you like it?"

"What?"

Rolling her eyes, she gestures to the plate in front of me. "Do you like it?"

"It's good," I reply honestly, a little surprised. I've lived here long enough to know the best places to eat, and I've never heard more than a decent review about this place.

"I'm glad," she says, full lips tilting up. "Since I made it."

I don't get it. Did she bring it with her? Is that why she was late?

Also, why did we come to a restaurant if she was going to cook?

"What? Why?"

She tilts her head, smile growing.

Right as my still-counting subconscious gets to five minutes, she explains, "Because I work here."

~Elain~

He stares at me, bite of pasta halfway between his mouth and the plate.

I've been almost bursting at the seems the past four days trying to keep the secret.

I mean, given what the man does for a living, I didn't think I'd make it more than an hour. And while he's definitely been suspicious, I made it.

"What?" he finally asks, dark brows furrowing as he leans in.

"I have a lot to say," I tell him. "So don't interrupt me."

His eyes narrow like they always do when I tell him what to do, but I ignore it and start listing off the different secrets I've been keeping.

I start with the most important.

"First, I love you."

The fork clangs against the plate as he drops it.

I smile, biting my lip and trying not to cry at the look on his face.

"I think I have since that first night when we danced in the bar. Or maybe when you took me to the beach. I don't know." Taking a deep breath, I say, "I tried to stop, when I found out... everything. But it was useless, because I was as in love with you then as I am now."

He shakes his head, almost like he's panicked, but I keep going.

"I love you, Azriel. I want to be with you more than I've ever wanted anything. And I can't bear the thought of leaving you. I don't want to."

Gesturing around us, I say, "I got a job here, and my landlord said she can draw up a lease. And before you say anything, I'm not giving anything up. The past months have felt like paradise, and I love it here. I liked my job in New York, but it wasn't anything I'll miss."

His eyes are so wide, it'd be a little funny if I wasn't so serious.

I take a sip of wine and try to puta brave face on. A lump forms in my throat, but I manage to say, "But we never talked about anything long term, so if this isn't what you want... I'll go. I promise. I just wanted you to know that you're... it for me. You're everything to me. I choose you."

He shudders, closing his eyes, and I take in how tight his jaw is, how close he seems to coming unraveled.

Is he freaking out? I definitely am.

After a few moments, I realize he's still waiting on me, so I laugh and say, "You can talk now."

He doesn't.

He just opens his eyes and stares at me, the shock in his gaze clear to read.

Nerves blossom. I was so sure he'd be happy, but maybe he isn't ready. Voice turning shaky, I ask, "Is this what you want?"

Slowly, he shakes his head, but before I can panic, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a key, holding it out between us. "I want you to live with me, not at the townhouse."

All the nerves fly out the door, and I laugh, not quite able to believe it.

How long has he been carrying this around?

The tears finally spilling over as I take the key from him. "Okay."

He brushes my cheeks off with his thumb, looking at me like he's never seen anything more beautiful.

Azriel's quiet for a moment, and I give him time, knowing that whatever he wants to say is hard for him.

"Ti amo. Mi spaventa così tanto."

I love you. So much is scares me.

"You? Scared? I don't believe it."

I'm trying to joke and lighten the mood, but he's completely serious as he shakes his head, cupping my jaw with his hand. "You scare the shit out of me, Elain."

My heart clenches, and I fight a fresh wave of tears as I lean into his touch. "You scare me, too."

"But you're not leaving."

It's said like a hopeful promise, like something he needs to hear again and again to accept it's true.

I shake my head. "I'm not leaving," I whisper.

He finally smiles, that big smile I'm positive he only gives me, and leans over the table to kiss me softly. "Say it again."

"I love you."

He kisses me again, and I slide my hands in his hair and kiss him back, feeling like everything before now has led up to this. He's the grand finale, the one I didn't know I was waiting for.

I pull back a little, just far enough to see his reaction as I whisper, "Meet me in the bathroom."

His eyes flare and his mouth drops open, and I laugh as I get up from my seat and try to walk nonchalantly towards the back.

This hadn't been part of the plan, but I've told him I love him, and now... I want to prove it.

Plus, I don't know what it is about him, but he feeds the adventurous side of me like nothing else.

I can feel him watching me from the table as I make my way across the restaurant.

Thankfully, the place is busy tonight, so I don't think anyone notices when, as soon as I shut the bathroom door, he rises to follow me.

A moment later, he slips in with me, taking in the dim lights, closed stall, low music. He flips the lock, and it's like it snaps the thread between us, descending us into chaos.

He's on me in a second, arms wrapping around me and lifting me. My legs bracket his hips as he pushes me up against the wall and traps my hands above my head.

"Say it again," he demands breathlessly, eyes bright and full of heat.

I nip his lower lip, then kiss it softly. "I love you, Azriel."

His mouth crashes into mine, unrestrained and demanding and deep enough I lose myself in him.

My hands are in his hair, his are pushing up the hem of my dress.

There's a brief moment of adjusting, and then he's easing into me. His eyes are on me, his lips are parted, and as I tighten around him, he makes a deep rumbling sound. It's the hottest thing I've ever seen.

"You're mine," I tell him, tilting my hips to take him deeper. "And I'm yours."

He shudders, eyes going black. "You're mine."

His hips claim mine, then, pulling out and thrusting back in, moving me up the wall. I tighten my fingers in his hair as he hits a spot deep inside me, and he groans.

Moving his hands to my hips, he brings me down as he thrusts up, and I moan, then slap a hand over my mouth.

I work here, for God's sake.

"This is not very professional," I mutter, smiling when his lips twitch.

"No," he agrees, thrusting into me harder. "And it's definitely inappropriate."

I clamp my lips together, pressing my hand to my mouth again to stifle the involuntary whimper I let out.

Azriel grins, tugging on my earlobe with his teeth and whispering, "You might need to go to confessional again."

Rolling my eyes, I move my hands to his shoulders, then lean in to lick up the column of his neck. "Between the two of us, I'd say you're more likely to end up on your knees tonight."

He laughs, tugging my head back to kiss me again. His tongue meets mine in a wet, deep slide that makes me shiver. His hips brush mine. His hands hold me just right, keeping me against him.

Pulling back, he brushes his lips over mine and whispers, "I love you."

The easy, conversational pace is abandoned, and we're moving harder against each other, the only sounds our labored breathing and muffled moans.

He brings a hand to cover my mouth, and I cover his with mine, and we're in tandem, both of us lost in the other.

He comes when I do, driving deeply into me and stilling, his head buried in my neck.

We spend a while like that, and when I eventually slide down the wall, we take our time adjusting our clothes. He keeps stopping me to kiss my shoulder or brow, and I waste too much time just looking at him.

When we're both ready, he extends a hand and grins. "Let's go home."

I smile, unable to help it. "Let's go home."

_____________________________________________

Thank you for reading! This is the last part, although I might do an epilogue one day (don't hold your breath lol).

Send me asks if you have em :)

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[serendipityjxmn]

Mr. President

Chapter 14

TW: None

Words Count: 1.5k

Link to Masterlist

Link to Chapter 15

You’re home early. Since you so conveniently followed your heart to resign right at that moment. You sigh, looking up at the ceiling where you lay defeated on your bed.

You wonder if you did things right.

But at the same time it kind of feels liberating.

He doesn’t even mention about your gift to him.

You sigh again. You don’t really resent your husband. He did the same thing a hundred other employers would do. He can’t let you off the hook simply because you’re his wife.

Although you guess he could’ve brought you somewhere else and lash out on you where not everyone could witness it.

Without realizing it, you fell into a slumber and only wakes when the dusk has set. You glance at the clock and sits up almost immediately. It’s around the time Jimin would be back and you haven’t prepared dinner yet. Hoping he hasn’t reach home yet, you quickly head downstairs and make your way to the kitchen to prepare dinner.

The sound of someone clearing their throat startle you a little. You turn to see your husband standing at the threshold, looking quite unsure of himself.

You almost want to let out a laugh but holds yourself, although barely. “I made some spaghetti today.”

He takes a step forward hesitantly. You sit yourself in front of him once you laid dinner on the table.

You see him hesitate to eat and despite knowing it’s because of earlier events, you couldn’t help asking. “You.. don’t like spaghetti..?” Just in case.

“You’re not mad.” He states.

You try really hard to stifle a smile and hopefully it works. “I’m not.” You simply say before beginning on your own spaghetti.

“You quit your job.”

You pause for a while before answering. “You’ve always been keen to get rid of me at the company, thought I’ll make it easier.” You joke but Jimin apparently doesn’t seem to understand. You sigh and look at him. “I’m not mad. You did what you have to.”

You see his shoulder visibly relaxes at this. “Took an unfair accusation to get you to quit your job.” He teases back and this time you smile. “I’m.. sorry I yelled.. I should’ve asked before blindly getting mad at you.”

“It’s okay. At least I get to sleep in again now.”

He smiles at that. “And um..”

You look up and for a fleeting second, you think he’s blushing.

“Thanks.. for the gift.” He says quickly.

Your lips break into the biggest smile upon hearing that, heart hammering from his simple words.

He smiles at you too, or basically just the corner of his lips quirking very slightly. But you don’t care.

All is good again.

It feels good to have a lot of time at hand again. You’ve started again on art using the art set Jimin gave you. And you’ve since been working on your small portrait. You smile at Jimin’s face that you’ve drawn so far. You try your hardest to enunciate all of his beautiful features. And it’s the best pose of him that you like, him smiling. His blinding smile that could literally light up the whole world.

You’re careful to cover the painting in canvas whenever you’re away because you can’t risk Jimin finding out.

And you don’t know how but your mind is suddenly reminded of your personal diary, a book where you religiously writes your day which nowadays is mostly filled with Jimin.

Glancing at the clock, you head upstairs to change clothes. Once you’re done, you head down to find your personal bodyguard that your husband informed you before, Taeseok.

“Hey um-“ you begin as soon as you see him. He staggers to his feet quickly, perhaps surprised to see you. You feel kind of weird too to finally be communicating with him.

“Hi.” You say again awkwardly. He nods his head in equal awkwardness. “Um- I need to head to the office to pick up some stuff.”

He nods. “I’ll bring the car around.” He says simply.

It’s a very innocent and seemingly harmless act. You deciding to pay a visit to the company where you once work to pick up some stuff. You even try to have a small conversation with your bodyguard on your way to the company.

Except that it is all a mistake.

Stepping out of the car, a woman walks past you, making you stop in your tracks. You stare as she walks past and enters the company.

That model figure and long black hair.

You feel like your world is collapsing. Your heart feels like it’s going to burst and your head is spinning. Everything around you seems to spin and you stumble and would’ve face planted on the ground if Taeseok didn’t step in and holds you firm.

“You alright, Mrs. Park?”

You scoff. Mrs. Park. Not like it means anything other than just you as one of his property. You manage to stand again with the help of your bodyguard. Eyes staring blankly at the building entrance. All thoughts or will to enter and retrieve your things are gone.

Trying hard to ignore the physical pain in your chest, you turn to look at Taeseok and finds him staring at the entrance as well. His gaze turns to you then and you could see the look of sympathy in his eyes. That seems to set off something in you as your tears flow immediately.

Taeseok sees this and quickly swallows. “Would you like me to take you home, Mrs. Park?” He offers kindly.

You can only nod meekly.

You’ve burnt yourself once and cut yourself twice now as you’re preparing meals in the kitchen because you’ve been zoning out too much.

Your heart hurts too much.

But at the same time you also feel like laughing hysterically, laughing at yourself who seems so pathetic right now.

You thought everything is going well between the both of you. You thought you’ve made progress with your husband.

Took you few months to slowly crack his shell only for him to break any hope you have within seconds. Only for you to realize he has a million other shells around him and that you’ve barely scratched his first.

For the hundredth time now, you went to the kitchen sink and wash your face to clear off any evidence of you crying. You don’t need your husband to see and snide you about this. Wiping your face dry, you draw a breath and start cooking properly.

You sense his presence before you hear him. His footsteps can be really silent, you think. Your thinking is right that Jimin’s behind you when you whiff the smell of his vanilla-tinged cologne, perhaps your most favourite smell in the world and you quickly brace yourself.

You’re cutting onions on the chopping board when arms snake around you, making you jump and you almost cut yourself again if not for Jimin’s right hand that holds your wrist firmly.

“Careful.” He whispers.

How could you not when every ounce of him screams danger?

Your lung drops when Jimin slumps forward and rests his head on your shoulder, his free hand on the edge of the counter in front of you, practically caging you from behind.

Your whole body freezes. You’ve never been this hyper aware of every nerves coursing through your vein.

“J-Jimin what are you-“

“Ssh, just stay like this. Let me just stay like this for 5 minutes.” He murmurs against your shoulder.

Your body remains stiff as seconds tick by. “Relax.. I’m not going to harm you.”

Something in his tone makes the hairs raise against your skin.

“You’re very jumpy.” You hear him sigh.

You swallow thickly. “T-tough day?” You immediately regret asking because your own voice betrays you but he doesn’t seem to sense it.

He only grunts and you wait but he doesn’t say anything so you come to accept the fact that it’s his way of responding.

The time continues to stretch yet your whole body doesn’t relax at all. Because your mind is all sorts of chaos, your heart is everything unsettled.

If it was five hours ago, before you went to the company and saw Clara Kim walking in, you’d probably stay still and lend your shoulder for as long as he wants. But you feel your own heart breaking, little by little as each second you let him leaning on you ticks by.

“Jimin please don’t do this..”

“Do what?” He mumbles, still not lifting his head.

‘You- you’re always cold to me.. so cold and distant.. you’re somewhere I can’t reach and suddenly you’re doing this-“

He lifts his head as you seem to have taken his attention fully. You brave yourself to turn your body to face him and sees him staring back at you, eyes blown.

“Why?” He says harshly and you can’t help but flinch. “You’re my wife. And don’t forget that I own you.” Don’t forget that you’re nothing.

Your eyes start to sting. Tears threatening to cloud your vision but you quickly blink them away. “No- no I can’t do this.. I know it’s just temporary but I- I can’t.. not when I’m sharing you with someone else-“

“Share?” His voice raises. “Who the fuck do you think I’m-“

“Clara Kim.” The name is out of your mouth before you could stop yourself. “I know about her.” You say quietly.

And Jimin’s expression turns furious instantly. You’ve never seen him so mad. “That’s none of your fucking business. And you know nothing.” He snarls and storms away.

He didn’t come to bed that night.

Link to Chapter 15

Posted on 210428 10:00PM

[official-weasley]

The Irreplaceable Charlie Weasley: Pt. 5, Ch. 8

PART 5: THE YEAR WHEN EVERYONE FIGHTS

Chapter 8 - Career Advice Match

Nova

It seemed like we were standing in the Forest, embraced, for hours. Neither of us indicated that we wanted to move. I certainly didn't mind. It didn't matter to me if we would stand there forever.

“It's getting late.” Charlie whispered in my ear. I looked up and noticed that it was almost nighttime.

“Yeah.” I chuckled but didn't let go of him.

“You know if we try really hard we can walk to the Castle like this.” He said gently. I pulled away but just a little bit.

“I think we are both too clumsy for that not to end in an accident.” He laughed and we slowly made our way back.

We didn't talk but I preferred it that way. I knew we would need a couple of days to process everything and go back to the way things were. I couldn't help to think that something changed with us in the Forest. I don't think things between us will ever be the same, but not in a bad way. We felt more grown-up.

We made our way to the Great Hall as we realized we just might catch dinner. I saw our friends sitting together and Penny spotted us at once. She nudged Tulip who nudged Tonks and they all turned to us.

“Please, tell us that this is all over and we can go back to being friends?” Tonks tried to decipher our faces.

“We're okay.” Charlie pulled me in a half hug, looked at me, and smiled.

“Oh, thank Merlin! I couldn't take any more of this.” Penny pressed her hand on her chest. Neither could I. I think we were all relieved that it was finally over.

“Sit down you two.” Bill frowned at us and we sat down immediately. “Now, I won't be here next year and I don't want to get any letters that you two are having problems again, got it?” We both nodded as if a parent was scolding us.

“Your friendship is too important for fights like this and I will make Penny, Tonks, and Tulip write to me if you are being stubborn again!” We nodded again.

“Good.” His face went from a serious one to a big grin. “Nice talk.” Tulip and Penny giggled.

“Did you yell at her, Charlie?” Tonks asked, frowning at me.

“No, Tonks. We forgave each other.” Charlie smiled. He was so calm and there was something different about him but I couldn't quite figure out what it was.

“Something you should've done 14 days ago.” Jae rolled his eyes.

“We know. We're sorry we had to put you through this.” I apologized and leaned on Charlie's shoulder. How good it was to do that again.

“Are you children ready for your O.W.L.s?” Bill grinned at us and Penny looked like she was about to cry.

“We still have time!” Tonks said, of course. We all laughed.

I missed my friends so much and I made a promise to myself that I will never take them for granted again or do anything as stupid. I loved our lot too much to make such a mistake again.

“I think we're going to do just fine.” I said.

—

As I predicted, things started to get back to normal after a week. I still wasn't able to play Quidditch because of my back and I was happy my Team, except Skye, understood that we would end up in the last place. To be honest, I didn't miss it much at all. I much rather hung out with my friends at the stands cheering for Charlie. I was sure he was going to become Captain next year, he was brilliant! Nobody was really surprised when they won the Quidditch House Cup for the third year in a row. Having Charlie as Seeker was the best decision they made in years.

Tulip and Jae started sneaking into the Kitchens, their favorite spot for studying as Penny still didn't know how to get inside. They also managed to convince Tonks to come with them and she actually studied something else than Herbology for a change.

Penny spent most of her time in the Library with Bill and Andre. Bill was doing much better with N.E.W.T.s than he was with his O.W.L.s. I think that internship with my dad calmed his nerves and helped him realize that grades aren't everything. Andre was doing so much better with Transfiguration that I had no doubt he will pass the examination.

Charlie and I were partners again in Care of Magical Creatures and we went back to sitting together in Transfiguration and History of Magic. I caught myself staring at him a couple of times in Professor Binns' class as he was snoozing, his head on his arms. He was cuter than a Crup puppy.

Our favorite place to study was down at the Lake. It was getting warmer and we couldn't resist catching some sun rays. We were doing good and I don't think I was so confident about my exams last year as I was about O.W.L.s.

When we weren't studying we were either reading books together, talked about our Career Advice Meeting which was fast approaching, or quizzed each other on animals. We also paid a visit to Hagrid a couple of times and apologized for not seeing him almost all year. Good as he is, he completely understood that we were too busy.

On the day of our Career Advice Meeting, we were all nervous. Penny was shaking at the Ravenclaw Table, while the rest of us were trying to eat some breakfast.

“Get off it Pen, did you ever see Sprout bite?” Tonks said. I think Penny was making her nervous.

“No, but her plants might.” She responded. Tulip and I chuckled.

“You want to be a Potioneer Penny and you have never gotten a lower grade than an O in that class.” I tried to calm her down.

“Out of all of us, you have least to worry about, don't you think.” Charlie said calmly. He was so calm lately like everything was right in the world and I couldn't help but agree with him. Now that we were back to normal, everything indeed was right in the world. I still couldn't believe what an idiot I was and even though my friends forgave me, I haven't forgiven myself for what I've done. Every time Charlie looks at me, I remind myself how lucky I am to have him in my life and I know I will never do anything to harm our relationship again.

After breakfast, I wished Jae and Charlie good luck as they made their way to McGonagall's office. Tulip and I hugged Tonks and Penny, who was still shaking, and went to Professor Flitwick's office while they made their way down to the Greenhouses.

“Miss Blackwood!” I heard Flitwick calling my name. I stood up and winked at Tulip.

“Sit, Miss Blackwood, sit!” He squeaked. I love his voice!

“So, let us see.” He looked at a piece of parchment in his hands. I think he had my grades on it. “Exceptional in Charms, Transfiguration, Care of Magical Creatures, Defense Against the Dark Art.” He lowered the parchment and beamed at me. “Do I need to go on?” That made me relax a bit.

“Thank you, professor.” I smiled.

“So, what are your plans for your career, Miss Blackwood?” He sat down on a big pile of books.

“I want to be a Magizoologist.” I grinned.

“Really?” He asked, bewildered. “Pardon me for saying so, but that would be a waste of your Transfiguration talent.”

“Oh, it's quite alright, Professor. I believe Professor McGonagall used the same exact words when I told her what I want to become.” I smiled. It didn't offend me. I knew I was good at Charms and Transfiguration but talent can't beat my love for animals.

“You see,” I cleared my throat, “I wanted to be the second Newt Scamander since I was 4. I discovered my secret talent for Transfiguration in my First Year here and as much as I love the subject nothing can stop me from following my dreams.” I said proudly.

“I agree with you on that.” He corrected his glasses. “In that case, you would have to get an O in Care of Magical Creatures. Outstanding would also be preferable In Defense Against the Dark Arts and Charms, depending what path you will take...” He looked from the list to me.

“Oh, I haven't figured that out yet, Professor. I was thinking of checking out my options next year.” I said quickly. Besides knowing exactly what I wanted to be, I had no idea where would I work or what branch of Magizoology would I like the most. I wasn't like Charlie who knew since he was 6 that he wanted to work in the Romanian Dragon Sanctuary.

“Very well.” Flitwick seemed disappointed. Not to brag but I knew I was one of his favorite students, but that's not going to change my mind. If my mum could come around to it, as she was hoping I would follow in her footsteps and become an Auror like her, then so can my teachers.

“I would then say that this is all. I have nothing to advise you, if you are so certain what you want to do, Miss Blackwood.” He smiled at me and stood up. “I can, however, ask Professor Kettleburn to give you some suggestions next year, if you'd like. It's unlikely that the students have the Career Advice Meeting with anyone other than their Head of House, but I would like to make an exception.” He winked.

“Thank you, Professor. I would appreciate that very much!” I shook his hand and exited his office.

“That was quick.” Tulip bit her lip. I knew she was nervous. Unlike me, she didn't know what she wanted to be at all. I think today was the first day that it actually hit her that we only have 2 more years to go.

“It's not a big deal. Perhaps, he would be able to advise you more than me.” I frowned.

“Was he disappointed that you didn't want to pursue anything with Charms?” Tulip giggled.

“And Transfiguration for that matter! He was not pleased at all.” I chuckled.

“Miss Karasu!” Flitwick called.

“Got to go! Meet you in the Great Hall?” I nodded and she went inside his office.

—

“Hi, Blackwood!” I grinned when I recognized the voice.

“William!” I exclaimed.

“You will never get over the fact that my full name is William, will you?” Bill rolled his eyes.

“WILL I?” I mocked and poked his ribs with my elbow. “What's your problem anyway, it's a nice name.”

“I prefer Bill.” He said after he thought about it for a second.

“True, it is sexier.” I winked at him. He stopped walking for a second and looked at me with his mouth open. I loved messing with him so much.

“I don't understand why you were so afraid of the Career Advice Meeting, Bill.” I changed the subject and he hurried to catch up with me. “It was a piece of cake.”

“I overreacted, okay?” He was still blushing from my earlier comment.

“You don't say.” I chuckled, put my arm around his shoulder and we entered the Great Hall.

“Guess what!” Tonks and Penny sat down on the opposite side of Bill, Jae, and me.

“What did you find out Tonks?” Her grin was unusually big.

“Hi, everyone.” Charlie sat down next to me. “That was the quickest meeting if I ever attended one.” He was beaming. Of course, he didn't have any problems. He had good grades and he needed O's in similar subjects than I did.

“Charlie, sorry to disturb your happy mo, but Tonks asked us to guess something.” I giggled. He blushed, realizing he disturbed us, and wrapped his hands around me, pulled me closer to him and nestled his chin against my shoulder, silent.

“If I continue with my grades as they are, I might get my dream job!” She lifted her hands in the air and left us all puzzled. I just realized that I had no idea what she wanted to do after school.

“And that would be?” Jae encouraged her to tell us more.

“I would need to do very good in Potions.” She looked at Penny, to indicate that she will need her help. “Defense Against the Dark Arts, which I am already quite good at. Transfiguration, which greatly improved since Nova's lectures and I am quite brilliant in Charms this year.” She beamed at us. I looked around the table. Everybody stared at her, bewildered.

“Hi, everyone.” Tulip finally joined us. “Why does everybody look like that?” She asked when she saw our faces.

“I just told them that Sprout told me I might be qualified for my dream job if I do well on my O.W.L.s!” Tonks explained.

“Really?” Squealed Tulip. “You'll be able to become an Auror?”

“An Auror?” Bill, Charlie, and I said in unison. Tonks wanted to become an Auror. I wouldn't have guessed in a million years.

“You didn't know she wants to be an Auror?” Tulip asked, puzzled. Apparently, she was the only one.

“I reckoned you knew.” Tonks scratched her nose. We all shook our heads as she rarely talked about anything else than things that can get you in trouble. Kind of ironic to think she wanted to become someone who is the exact opposite of that.

“Auror training is pretty demanding and you will have to spend a lot more time with your nose in the books rather than in Filch's Office, you know.” Penny said.

“I know, I know. I started studying and I am doing fine. Seriously, why are all of you so surprised?” She frowned.

“Well,” Charlie pulled away from me, “you always did so good in Herbology, we thought that maybe you would do something in that direction.” He scratched the back of his head.

“One of Nova's favorite subjects is Transfiguration and you don't see her applying for McGonagall's position.” She pointed at me.

“She's right, you know. Good for you, Tonks.” I gave her a thumbs up.

“I have you lot to thank. Wouldn't be able to do it without you!” Tonks grinned at us all and Tulip and Penny pulled her into a hug.

Penny then told us all about her meeting. There were no surprises there as a Potioneer she needed to do good in Potions which was the least of her concerns and it would also do her good to get an O in Herbology, for which she is confident won't be a problem.

Then we all looked at Tulip. I knew that she wouldn't want to work in her mum's coffee shop and she couldn't prank people for money. I knew she was smart and she loved Astronomy so perhaps she would like to pursue something in that direction. If I would have to guess I would see her as the next Minister of Magic. Wouldn't that be chaotic!

“I would rather not talk about mine.” She tried avoiding our eyes.

“C'mon Tulip, don't be shy.” Charlie encouraged her.

“Easy for you to say Mr. Weasley the Dragonologist. I have no idea what I want to do.” She frowned, worried.

“I don't either.” Jae grinned. “Perhaps we can work it out in the Kitchens.” He nodded his head towards the door and they stood up and left without saying another word.

“You reckon they're doing it?” Tonks asked innocently and completely out of the blue. Penny wanted to get up and leave but Tonks grabbed her arm and pushed her back down to sit. She even caught me off guard and I was pretty used to her asking blunt questions. This time, she left me speechless.

Bill was so stunned by the question that a piece of fries got stuck in his throat. Charlie, who was trying to act casual about the awkward situation but couldn't hide his red face, turned to Bill and saved his life with one slap on the back. Since when was Charlie so strong? I looked at his arms and I never noticed how muscular he has gotten in the last year or was he always like this and I didn't notice?

“Wha-?” Tonks asked.

“Don't you think, they went to talk about their careers?” Bill asked.

“Oh, William,” he frowned at me as I used his full name again, “you are too innocent.” Then I turned to Tonks. “And no, Tonks I don't reckon they're doing it. I do, however,” I leaned across the table to Penny and Tonks, “think he is going to ask her on a date.”

Penny gasped and Tonks looked disappointed.

“Ah, give it a year and you're going to answer with a yes to my question.” Tonks winked at us. Bill coughed again and I couldn't help but laugh. I will miss him next year.

[naruto-littlespace]

Akatsuki Littlespace Headcanons

I could and probably will write more, but I don’t feel like it right now, so here’s this.

Disclaimer 1: Littlespace, in the AU and in real life, is a coping mechanism for everything from everyday stressors to psychological disorders like PTSD. If you sexualize littlespace do not interact with this AU or me, I will block you.

Disclaimer 2: Littlespace in this post is slightly different from in real life, magic-ed up in a similar way to how ninjas are magic-ed up in the Naruto universe. Chakra-using littles actually revert to the size they were when they were their little ages, although they retain any bodily changes since then (little Kakuzu still has stitches, little Deidara would have hand mouths.) The exception of course is Sasori, whose body is manmade and doesn’t change. People also do not necessarily remember their big lives when they slip into littlespace, sometimes becoming confused about where they are and who they’re with. They will sometimes be confused about what time period they’re in as well, believing things to have happened that hadn’t happened yet in their little age but were far in the past in their adult age.

This isn’t how I’m going to treat littlespace w/ Naruto characters all the time on this account btw, it’s just an idea I’ve been playing around with, like the psychological defense of reverting to a childlike state inadvertently triggers a transformation jutsu to match.

Nagato:

Little age pre Yahiko’s death was 6-7, post is 2-4

Started regressing shortly after the formation of the original Akatsuki. She and Yahiko had to do research to figure out why their teenage friend had suddenly turned into a child, but after they learned they took care of him: treated him like a child, bought him kids books from the local thrift shop, tucked him into bed. He called them uncle and auntie.

He would stay in littlespace for a surprisingly long amount of time, for 4-6 hours on days between missions.

After Yahiko’s death he spent many days in a row regressed to age two. Konan scrambled to take care of him and handle her own grieving. After that was over he promised her she wouldn’t have to take care of him again.

Nowadays of course she still takes care of him when he regresses, but he tries to force himself out of it if he begins to.

He still has board books and stuffies, so if he does fully regress he’ll have one of his pein bodies bring them to him.

Being ~3 he doesn’t have the mental capacity to control all the Peins, so they just kind of idle for awhile.

Konan:

Little age is 3-5

Pre modern Akatsuki she didn’t like regressing at all and only did it involuntarily. She would handle it by either walking it off or reading Nagato’s board books by herself.

This continued pretty much until she started becoming friends with Kakuzu, who openly admitted he was a little (he thought she should know, in case it ended up delaying his missions--it was mostly so she would stick up for him to Pein. No, he wasn’t hunting bounties, there’s a perfectly logical explanation--)

So she had a bad day while she and Kakuzu were at the same base and went ‘can you please deal with me for a couple of minutes’ and he was like ‘ofc’ so she sat down in front of him and shrank down to a little girl and started crying. He picked her up and bounced her on his knee until she calmed down. She ended up staying little for a couple of hours because Kakuzu took her out of the office and telling her stories about his childhood while they prepared dinner.

Kisame becomes her caretaker too when the three of them start dating.

Sometimes she starts crying inconsolably about something she won’t talk about other than someone leaving her and something being unfair. Pein showed up during this one time and said he knew what she was talking about and it was none of her cgs’ concern which ofc made them concerned but they haven’t gotten the chance to talk to her about it.

Itachi:

Little age is 2-4 but since her chakra is often very low so she doesn’t always physically become that tiny.

She didn’t regress until after she joined the Akatsuki, but when she did Kisame wasn’t surprised. He reintroduced himself as her babysitter, slipped her a lollipop and took her to a library to pick out some kids books.

Loves to be pampered. Oh god it’s the only time she can relax at all

Wears reading glasses because they can’t get her in to an eye doctor appointment

She’s trans in this au because I say so

Likes playing with weasel and crow toys, esp when her caretaker (usually Kisame, Konan and Kakuzu as well when they’re around) plays the weasel and she’s the crow. She’ll tell stories where they go out to the woods to train or just hang out.

She loves to sit in laps <3

She eats a lot more in littlespace than out so whoever’s feeding her makes lots of food. For her to grow big and strong u know

Kisame:

Little age 0. He is just baby

Being reminded of the bloody mist triggers his littlespace, though he has to be in a bad headspace in the first place. It really does not happen often.

Post Akatsuki the first time he slipped was after he, Kakuzu and Konan started dating. Kakuzu woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of crying and woke Konan up immediately afterwards because holy sh*t there’s a baby in our bed!!

It was Kisame. Kakuzu picked him up and rocked him back to sleep. Konan asked how he was so good with kids and he was like ‘oh I had a baby once.’ She does not ask him to elaborate. Kisame wakes up as an adult the next morning.

They keep a container of powder formula for him if he regresses but won’t get him a pacifier because they’re afraid he’d bite off and choke on the teat. They have bottles but Kakuzu makes the nipples for them out of one of his threads on the spot bc he’d bite through literally everything else with his tiny demon teeth.

Sasori:

Little age is unclear (unlike some of the others, he’s never said it.)

Signs he’s in littlespace: stops talking, stops walking if he can afford it, walks unsteadily and a little bowlegged if he can’t. Stops using ninjutsu and if he’s near a kitchen he might try to eat despite not having a digestive system anymore. Has been known to ask where Granny Chiyo is. The answer is ‘back home.’

Deidara got him a pacifier and a coloring book. He does use them but not when anyone else is watching, not even Deidara.

He is a bit upset when he’s reminded that his body is wooden. He would like to feel things please. But he learns to just enjoy the sensation of squishing a stuffie and his jaw chewing on a paci.

Deidara:

Not actually a little. He just hasn’t gone through sh*t like the rest of the Akatsuki have, and has coping mechanisms for when he is having a bad time.

He caretakes for Konan when her boys aren’t around and for Sasori if he’ll let him.

Hidan told him about littles after Kakuzu regressed in front of him and thought Deidara might need to know because of how much baggage Sasori has (he doesn’t know what it is but he can smell drama)

So he looked out for Sasori becoming a kid and learned instead to look for him not acting like an adult. He walked out of Hiruko and tried to eat in front of him and Deidara had to tell him he couldn’t have a strawberry because it was bad for his health and not because it would probably make his insides mold. It’s weird but Deidara is also weird and he makes it work.

Kakuzu:

Little age is 9-10

Post Akatsuki the first time he regressed was in front of Hidan in the middle of the woods. He didn’t recognize him and immediately tried to run and then beat him up when he chased him. Hidan had to think fast and tell him he was his new neighbor and pretend to be taking him home. The next time he was babysitting.

Sometimes asks where his husband is. The first time Hidan heard this his response was ‘what the f*ck’ and Kakuzu told him that was a bad word.

Enjoyed activities include reading, sparring, and to the surprise of some, hunting. He’s not bad w/ a bow and arrow.

The best way to keep him in/make him feel comfy in littlespace is to make him a meal. U can let him help to the extent that he sets the table or pours the drinks or smth (because he will ask) but take care of the food for him, because he hasn’t had someone else handle that for him in a long time.

Regressing isn’t necessarily a common thing for him to do but he’s one of the only ones whose regression can be triggered by physical pain as well as emotional. He can usually harden his skin to block attacks but if he doesn’t in time he may turn into a ten year old. It actually can surprise an opponent enough for Hidan to be able to take them out.

Hidan:

Not a little either.

Knew about littles bc there was an old man in his village who had ptsd from some long forgotten war and sometimes turned into a six year old.

Caretakes for Kakuzu pretty exclusively, unless Kakuzu is big and taking care of someone else, in which case he’ll help out if he’s feeling nice at the time. Itachi is actually his favorite to take care of because Itachi is a very manageable child.

Obito:

Little age varies wildly from about 1-11. He blocks his physical regression because he regresses Often and doesn’t want to blow his Madara cover.

He has been regressing since p much immediately after he got crushed. Madara was really having none of it and went from patiently waiting for him to become ‘big’ again to pretending it wasn’t happening, forcing Obito back into a uh. ‘’Normal’’’’ headspace

The Tobi act is actually covering his littlespace though when he’s an adult he has no idea how to realistically act like a kid so when he’s actually a kid it’s kind of jarring for all involved

When he’s a baby he just screams. Not really crying in distress but screaming because he can

He’s so eager for attention. Please talk to him! Play toys with him!!! Read a book, eat dango, run around outside, catch bugs, train!!!

Never mentions Kakashi or Rin but sometimes will mention his grandma or Lord Fourth as if he is the current Hokage

[purplesurveys]

1269

Last thing you bought online? Did you like it? OMG OMG so I got Angela an Army Bomb!!!!!! for her birthday!!!! It was HELLLL looking for sealed ones that were already onhand, but fortunately I was able to find one from this really nice seller a few days ago and the shipping was quick as well. I’m just a little worried because the outbox has a little dent on it :( but it was the best onhand offer I could find so I got it before anybody could call dibs. I still hope she likes it! I got her batteries too so that she can try lighting it up as soon as she has it. :D

Could you date someone who didn’t drive (and didn’t show an interest in ever getting their license, either)?  I feel like this is such a petty thing to make a big deal about...if they knew how to commute or any other way to get to their destination, I don’t think this should be a problem. It would only be an issue to me if they refused to get a license in a very I-generally-lack-ambition kind of way.

How would you react if your artwork became famous?  I don’t have any to show off to begin with. I love appreciating art, but creating it was never a forte of mine.

Would you get your nipples pierced?  No, I don’t plan on getting any piercings. How many people know your birthday?  Outside of my family, my best friends. I think everyone else relies on Facebook to be reminded, which is fine with me.

Has anyone ever tried to ruin a relationship you were in?  No. Quite the contrary, really...I was sometimes informed about red flags taking place, which of course my stubborn ass ignored.

Have you ever watched a whole hour long infomercial?  Probably, as a kid. The channel from which I used to watch WWE aired these really long infomercials so I would watch those while waiting for like Raw or whatever show was going on after.

What is your current MySpace song?  I never hung out on Myspace. I had an account, but I was too young for it so it wasn’t long before I got bored.

What is your favorite kind of meat to put on your sandwich?  Pulled pork or fried chicken.

Which one of your exes do you feel like you have the most chemistry with?  I only have one ex.

How do you feel about people who make Facebook profiles for their pets? I find it really cute. But I personally wouldn’t put in as much effort lol.

Have you ever personally known a pair of conjoined twins?  Hmmmmmmmm I don’t think so.

What was the most disturbing thing you have ever heard your mother say? She threatened suicide in front of me and my dad in a very calm way when I was around 11, I think? Maybe 12, idk. I haven’t actually thought about that moment in an extremely long time until this question. I’ll move on now and shove the memory at the very very back of my head before I get sad.

Is there something in particular you like to look at photos of? What is it?  Aside from members of BTS (lol), interior design inspirations.

Chewy chocolate-chip cookies: like or dislike?  Ooh, love. When I bite into a cookie it hassssss to ooze chocolate, otherwise I would be underwhelmed.

If your boyfriend/girlfriend wanted to dress only in the opposite sex’s clothing, would you support that? If not, would you leave them?  Support.

Do you think your grandmother is/was beautiful?  They both are.

Which of your fields of interest are you a total expert on?  Anything that has to do with writing (except poems), I guess? I like being able to give people advice and tips when it comes to that.

When was the last time you got all dolled up?  Last July when we had a big PR media launch thingy and I couldn’t afford to look like shit on Zoom.

Do you ever name objects? (i.e. mp3 players, guitars, cars, etc.)  Never.

Do you have a criminal record?  Not criminal but it’s possibleeeee that I have some kind of record on my license from the time I got stopped by an officer in Alabang, lmao. It was a minor offense from a tiny part of the town so I don’t actually know if they filed it, but it’s possible.

Last person you took a nap with?  I don’t really nap with other people. I hate falling asleep in front of others to begin with.

Does seeing your mother cry automatically make you feel sad as well?  No.

Do you think someone likes the same person you like?  I don’t like anybody.

Do you want your life to stay the way it is right now forever?  No, I do not want to stay in a pandemic and not get to maximize my life the way it’s supposed to be enjoyed forever.

Have you ever been to craigslist.com?  I’ve never checked it out; idk if we have that here?

What about eBay?  I also dunno if they operate here so no, I’ve never bothered.

Have you ever used Nair?  Not Nair, but I’ve used Veet before.

Are you medicated?  Nope.

Do you shape/fill in your eyebrows?  I never do stuff to my eyebrows except shave them.

Have you ever stolen/borrowed clothes from an ex?  Several articles of clothing were left behind here, yeah. I never had the chance to give them back because I stupidly thought we were going to get back together eventually. By the time I moved on the timing was already off, so the clothes stayed with me untillll...just a few days ago, actually – when I finally cleaned up my room and got rid of a bunch of knickknacks that accumulated here over the years, including all her shirts and sweaters and stuff.

Could you make a statement about anything political?  The 2022 presidential election landscape looks like complete shit and I’m nearly at that point where I want to stop giving a fuck about this country’s future.

Do you think you’ve already met your soulmate?  No.

Do you get the feeling something good will happen in your life soon?  I think I’m already living in it, haha.

Do you enjoy romantic movies, even when they’re cliche?  Sure, but cliché is also hit and miss for me. I love Titanic and Love Actually, but I cannot stand movies like Me Before You and The Notebook. I guess it depends on certain executions, like the acting, screenplay, casting, etc.

Have you been to McDonald’s in the past month?  No, not inside. We did drive-thru within the last month, though.

Have you ever slept over at your best friend’s house?  Not at Andi’s, but I have at Angela’s.

How often do you go bowling?  Extremely rarely. I can’t tell you the last time I went bowling.

Last time you were in an apartment?  Like 2007 when I visited my aunt back when she still lived in one. None of my friends have their own apartments.

Have you ever seen a live seahorse?  I don’t think so.

Would you like to have your own yacht? I mean I wouldn't say no if you offered it to me for free, but I'm not exactly interested in one. < Same.

Winnie the Pooh or Tigger?  Tigger always made me laugh as a kid.

What’s the unhealthiest thing you’ve eaten today?  Luncheon meat, I think? I didn’t go overboard with the junk food today.

Has a stranger ever offered to buy you a drink?  Hm, not that I can recall.

What is something you’d be happy to receive as a gift, that doesn’t cost a lot?  A bag of the salted egg chips that I really like costs like 30 bucks, or roughly 60 US cents.

What kind of music does your significant other/crush like to listen to?  I don’t have any irl crushes, can I use a celebrity crush instead? HAHA he’s heavily into jazz and whenever he gets asked for music recos he always gives jazz artists from like the 50s and 60s.

Who did you have your first kiss with? Do you remember what colour his/her eyes were?  Gab. Dark brown.

Are there any themes from TV shows that you like to sing along to? The Big Bang Theory and Friends; and then I also liked humming to the themes of Breaking Bad, The Walking Dead, and BoJack Horseman. The Phineas & Ferb theme was also a lot of fun to sing along to.

Do you eat dessert after dinner? No, I never do that. I’m usually already full after dinner, and we don’t always have sweets at home anyway.

Have you ever had too much to drink and felt embarrassed about your behavior the next day?  Sure.

When you go out drinking, what do you prefer to drink?  Cocktails. I very rarely go for hard drinks/shots, especially if I brought my own car.

What was the last animal that you saw?  Dog.

What was the last thing that you said to one of your siblings?  I just told my sister I was done using her laptop so she can have it back. My Memories of 2020 DVD turned out to be region-locked so I have to use her laptop every time I want to watch it :(

What is the most expensive thing that you’ve purchased that you paid for:  My Map of the Soul photobook cost me around 5k in total.

What is your favorite messaging program?  Messenger.

Do you eat fast food more than 5 times a week?  Wow no. Aside from being extremely unhealthy, that’s also a LOT of spending??

Have you ever almost drowned?  Yes.

Have you ever learned something shocking about someone through Facebook?  I mean I’ve had to learn about more than one family death through my Facebook feed, which sucks but is nothing I have control over. Otherwise the most shocking thing I’ve seen is probably classmates from high school having their own kids, but at this point I’m used to it already.

What’s the scariest living animal that you’ve petted?  I’m not really afraid of carrying/petting animals especially if there’s a guide or expert nearby, but the most daring one was probably the crocodile I volunteered to hold in Palawan.

Do you remember the first conversation you ever had with the person you currently have feelings for?  Not at all.

Do you dread certain days of the week? If yes, what day/s and why?  I hate Mondays for obvious reasons lol. I don’t know anyone who is actively cheery about reporting back to work.

If you eat oatmeal, do you have it plain or do you have certain toppings that you like to add to it?  I never eat oatmeal. I had that every single day for breakfast from like kindergarten to 4th grade and I vowed never to take a spoonful of it again.

What is the funniest or strangest thing you’ve ever heard somebody say in their sleep?  I dunno. I used to keep a log of the things my ex used to say in her sleep and a great deal of them were hilarious, but obviously I deleted that note a long time ago.

Choose one - Butterfinger, Milky Way, Snickers:  Butterfinger.

Do you use Mozilla Firefox? Nopes.

Who is your favorite person to hug? Angela and Laurice.

Have you ever had to have a mug shot?  Nope.

What was the last thing you carried to your room?  Kimi.

When was the last time you had a late night phone call?  WELL over a year ago.

[supernatural-fangirl1967]

Playing Pretend - Part 5

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Warnings: Angst, Anxiety, Mention of character death, Fluff

Word Count: 2,828

A/N: This is Part 5 of Playing Pretend. Please let me know what you think!

Series Masterlist

"You'll be bored sitting in the hotel room without me."

"(Y/N)," Dean chuckles. "You are not going to talk me into going dress shopping with you."

"It isn't dress shopping, Dean," you laugh. "The dress is bought but they want me for a fitting."

"I'd still be sitting there bored so I'd rather at least be somewhere that has room service and television."

"I don't want to spend hours with a group of girls who I don't know," you tell him.

"They're your family."

"I still don't know them."

"Well, maybe you should get to know them," Dean tells you.

"Yeah, they'll be thrilled to get to know me until they find out that I don't fit into their world," you tell him. "Dean, they want girls who have loads of money and like partying and downing other people. I'm not like that."

"You could still get to know them," Dean tells you. "Doesn't mean that you have to hang out with them."

"You're not helping," you sigh.

"Sorry, sweetheart," Dean chuckles. "Tell you what. If you don't make me go with you then tomorrow night we can hole up in the room for more movies."

"Okay," you sigh. "Yeah, Mom and Dad wouldn't like it if we skipped dinner two days in a row."

"I figured that," Dean smiles softly at you. He leans his head down and presses a kiss to your forehead. You smile widely at Dean but your heart drops when you look over to see your mom walking across the lobby towards you both. Oh, that's why he did that but really you should have known. Dean wouldn't show you affection like that because he doesn't like you in the way. That almost kiss yesterday was probably because he got carried away, but that's it. Nothing more.

"(Y/N)," your mom says as she walks over towards the both of you. "Dean, will you be tagging along with us today?"

"Oh, no, I'm keeping (Y/N) company is all," Dean tells her. He looks down at you and tightens his hold on you. "Stay out of trouble."

"Not me," you tell Dean as you smile softly at him. Dean chuckles as he leans down to kiss you. 

"Have fun, sweetheart," Dean tells you softly.

"I will," you tell him as you turn to look over at your mom. Dean lets go of you to walk off and you feel like something's missing when he isn't holding you like that.

"You seem happy," she smiles at you.

"I am," you say but the smile on your face fades when you think about how it isn't real. Yeah, you are happy with Dean, but it's all fake.

"You know, if Dean wanted something to do I'm sure that your father will get bored too."

You laugh a bit. "I don't think that Dean would be very comfortable without me there," you tell her.

"Are you two serious?"

You swallow hard. "We haven't really talked about it yet, Mom. We're kind of taking it day by day."

"Well, I think that you'd be crazy to let a guy like Dean go," she tells you.

"Yeah, I know," you breathe out as you try and keep the tears from welling up in your eyes.

"Well, you probably want to get this over with so that you both can spend some time together," she says.

"Yeah," you smile softly. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hey, sweetheart," Dean smiles as you walk through the door of your room. "Have fun?"

"Yeah, of course," you tell him sarcastically. Dean chuckles as you walk over to the couch, plopping down onto the cushion beside of Dean. "Mom bailed out on me when the other's got there, and I know why she's doing with all of this. She thinks that I'm too shy and that I should get to know the family, but there's a difference between being shy and the anxiety being too much to really get to know people."

"Were you okay?" Dean asks you softly.

"Yeah," you breathe out as you look over at Dean, giving him a grateful smile. "The other's decided to go for drinks but like I told you, I don't drink so I walked here..."

Dean's eyes widen as he sits up. "You walked here by yourself?"

"Yeah."

"From where?"

"Well, the shop where they got all the alterations done is about five blocks away."

"You shouldn't have walked here by yourself."

"I didn't have any other option because I wasn't going to sit there in a bar with a bunch of people who I don't know while they drink."

"You should've called me."

You give Dean a look. "You're worried about me."

"Of course I am, (Y/N). You're my friend," Dean says.

"Look, I'm fine now, okay?"

Dean swallows hard as he nods his head. "Alright. I'm sorry."

"No, don't apologize, Dean," you tell him. "I... I get being protective over your friends. I get it more than most people do."

"What do you mean?" Dean asks you softly.

You give Dean a soft smile and take a deep breath. "I'm going to wash up for dinner."

"(Y/N)..."

"Maybe we can sneak out after we eat to try another one of those movies or something."

"Okay," Dean smiles softly at you, knowing that you don't want to talk about it right now.

"Sweetheart, you sure did talk a lot during dinner," Dean teases as you both walk around outside.

You take a deep breath. "Sorry, I've been thinking."

"About?" Dean asks as he gives you a look.

About how I wish that this was all real. How I wish that we had kissed yesterday when it wouldn't have been for show. How I wish that your arm was now wrapped around my waist instead of my shoulders.

"Nothing," you tell Dean as you shake your head at him.

"Yeah, I get very quiet when I'm not thinking about anything too," Dean teases. "Hey, look at me," Dean says softly. You turn your head to look up at Dean, and he smiles a bit at you. "Sweetheart, promise that you're okay?"

"Yeah," you breathe out. "I promise that I'm alright. I think that I'm getting a little tired is all."

"I gotta get you out of this bad mood," Dean tells you.

"I am not in a bad mood."

"Hey, what happened to my friend from yesterday? You were so happy and relaxed during our little movie night," Dean tells you. "Do you think that you'd be up for another movie when we head to the room?"

"Yeah," you breathe out. "I thought that we had planned to anyways."

"We did but you are in such a weird mood..."

"I am not in a weird mood," you laugh.

"Yes you are," Dean tells you as he leans his head over against yours.

"If we go to the room now then will you leave me alone about my weird mood?"

Dean gives you a look. "If we go to the room now then will you get out of this weird mood?"

"Probably not."

"Then I'm not going to leave you alone about it," Dean chuckles as he leads you inside the hotel and into the lobby.

"Are we skipping dinner for this tomorrow?" Dean asks as you plop down onto the couch beside of him.

"Yeah," you smile as you look over at him. "Except I was thinking that we could eat junk food."

Dean gives you a look. "Pizza is junk food."

You laugh at Dean as you wrap a blanket around you. "I was actually thinking more along the lines of ice-cream and candy."

"Sweetheart, I'm going to be fat when you're through with me."

"That's the plan," you laugh. Dean chuckles as he throws an arm around your shoulders, pulling you into his side and holding tightly onto you.

"This okay?" Dean asks you softly as he leans his head over against yours. "I know that we don't have to act like a couple when there's nobody else around, but, I mean, this is something sort of normal for friends right?"

"Right," you smile softly, your heart breaking on the inside as Dean brings up that you're only friends. About an hour into the movie Dean looks down at you to see that there are tears steadily making their way down your cheeks.

"Sweetheart?" Dean says softly as he grabs the remote to pause the movie. "Hey, what's wrong?"

You shake your head as you hide your face in Dean's chest. Dean wraps both of his arms tightly around you, holding you to him as he tucks your head underneath his chin.

"Shh, you're alright," Dean whispers as he rubs a hand up and down your arm. Dean stands up with you in his arms and he carries you over towards the bed he's been sleeping in. Dean lays you down onto the bed and you look up at him.

"No, Dean, you should sleep..."

"Shh," Dean says as he grabs the extra pillows and he sets them up between the both of you before laying down himself. "How's that?"

You nod and Dean stretches an arm over the pillows to lay a hand onto your arm. Dean's heart breaks when he hears you sobbing and he wants nothing more than to take you into his arms. But he can't. You both agreed that this was strictly a friends thing. He can't blur the lines. So the only thing that Dean can do is to comfort you in the best way that he can right now.

Your body shakes with the sobs as you try but fail to calm yourself down. You want Dean to think that it's because of secrets that you're keeping, but really it's because you want this. You want this to all be real. You want to throw the pillows between the both of you onto the floor and scoot over until you're laying beside of Dean and in his arms. But he doesn't want that. He doesn't want you. No one ever will. And that's what hurts. You want to open up to someone, but preferably someone who is much more than only a friend to you. Someone who isn't going to be afraid to do more than what Dean is going right now.

You finally cry yourself out. Dean lets out a sigh of relief when the sobs stop and your body goes almost still. All Dean can hear is your heavy breathing as you fall into a restless sleep. Dean bites his lip and he tries his best to go to sleep too but his eyes keep popping open at every little movement from you. Dean eventually dozes off, only to be snapped out of it when you start whimpering in your sleep.

"(Y/N)?" Dean says softly as he reaches over the barrier of pillows to gently shake your arm. "Sweetheart, you're alright."

You gasp as your eyes fly open. They flit around the room a bit before settling on Dean's face.

"Hey," Dean says softly as he gives you a small smile. "You're alright."

"Gosh, I'm sorry," you tell Dean as you bring your hands up to hide your face in.

"Hey, don't you apologize, sweetheart," Dean tells you softly. "You can't help it."

"I'm a mess."

"You're having a bad day but everything's going to be alright," Dean says. You sniff and take your hands away from your face when you feel Dean move. Dean gets up off the bed and he walks over towards the fridge, grabbing a bottle of water and then bringing over to you. "Here you go," Dean says softly as he hands the water bottle over to you.

"'M not thirsty," you mumble.

"Take a drink," Dean tells you softly as he unscrews the cap and he helps you to sit up a bit. Sighing, you lean over to take a small sip and you have to admit that the cold liquid feels good on your throat. Dean reaches over onto the nightstand on his side of the bed and he grabs a few tissues before handing them over to you.

"Thanks, Dean," you sniff as you try and dry your eyes a bit. "Dean?" you almost whisper as you look over at him.

"What is it, sweetheart?" Dean asks you softly as he reaches over to rub a hand up and down your arm.

"I, um..." you swallow hard as your eyes meet Dean's. "I don't drink because I had someone I care about die too and I can't look at a drink without thinking about her." You take a deep breath and Dean gives you a soft smile.

"Take it slow, (Y/N)," Dean tells you softly. "I'm listening to you, sweetheart."

"Thank you, Dean," you choke out as you scoot over a bit towards him, tears welling up in your eyes as you think about it. "A few years ago, my friend called me and told me that she was out at a bar and she hadn't been keeping up with how many drinks she had had and she needed me to drive her home. So I did. I walked to her so that I could take her home in her car and I pulled up in her driveway, helped her get out, and lead her over to the stairs. She tripped going up and hit her head and didn't wake up from the coma."

"Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry."

"Isn't your fault," you choke out as you look over at Dean.

"No," he tells you. "I'm still sorry that it happened to you though. You know, a pretty girl told me the same thing about my parents."

You laugh a bit as you try and use your free hand to wipe your tears out of your eyes. "I'm okay now. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize, sweetheart," Dean tells you softly. You shut your eyes and you let the tears fall down your cheeks.

"I should've caught her..."

"(Y/N), don't do that," Dean whispers as he moves the pillow out of his way and he crawls across the bed and over towards you. "Don't blame yourself."

"I was tired and a little bit annoyed because she woke me up when she called me," you tell Dean. "I should have been keeping her from tripping. I should have been..."

"Shh," Dean says softly as he wraps his arms tightly around you. "(Y/N), you can't blame yourself simply because you were there or you think that there was something that you could have done to help."

"How do you know?"

Dean takes a deep breath. "Because I have been in the same boat." You sniff as you wipe at your eyes with your hands. "Is this why your anxiety is so bad?" Dean asks. You nod and turn your head to look over at Dean.

"That's when it started anyways," you tell him.

"Sweetheart, you can't carry stuff like that around with you. I know that it's hard and it seems like you'll never be normal anymore, but I promise you that it can happen."

"Why? Because it did for you and everybody's the same?"

"No," Dean laughs softly. "Nobody is the same, and it hasn't completely happened for me yet. But you are so much stronger than I am, (Y/N). If anybody could get through this then it is you."

"Dean..."

"Hey, I know that there is nothing more that you want than to be able to walk into a crowded room without feeling like you can't breathe, but what's important is that you're trying and that in itself is a win," Dean tells you softly.

You nod but it doesn't help much. You can't tell Dean what's really bothering you because then you'd have to admit your feelings. You'd have to tell him that you're not falling for him but that you've fell and fell hard. It's an amazing feeling but it's all that you'll have because Dean doesn't feel that way about you.

"Okay," you breathe out. "I really am okay now. I promise."

"Okay," Dean whispers as he nods his head and presses a kiss to your forehead. "Wanna lay down?”

"Please," you croak out. Dean lets go of you and you lay down underneath the blankets. Dean pulls them up and he tucks you in tightly before walking over to his side of the bed and laying down himself. You're already asleep when Dean gets comfortable, and he smiles softly when he sees that you've turned so that you're facing him. Dean reaches over to gently push some hair out of your face, and your eyes flutter a bit at his touch.

"I'm right here, sweetheart," Dean whispers softly. "I'll be here for as long as you need me. I mean it. I promise." Dean doesn't know if you actually heard him or not. Either way, he is going to do everything that he can to keep his promise to you.

Tags: @campingmonkey @flamencodiva @hennessy0274-blog @halesandy @waywardbeanie @vicmc624 @itsasquirrelo @idksupernatural @adoptdontshoppets  @imaginationisgrowth @deanwanddamons @foxyjwls007 @stoneyggirl @hobby27 @rosalynshields​ @squirrelnotsam​ @cookiechipdough​ @justanotherwinchester​ @coldmuffinbanditshoe @supernatural-bellawinchester​ @perpetualabsurdity​

[katsukis-sad-angel]

Come Back Part 2

Part 1

Pairing: Katsuki Bakugou x Reader

Warnings: BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG ANGST, swearing, soft baku alert

--------------------

Dear Y/n, This is the last letter I can send to you and I’m really sorry. Some retard sent a letter to his family and shit, the Vietnam bastards intercepted it, and it contained our plans for the next battle so a whole plan that could’ve ended this dumbass war was a waste. Our sergeants don’t have time to go through every letter that needs mailing, so we’re not allowed to send them anymore. Fortunately, you can still send me stuff. Next time you write, can you send a picture of you and the baby? It’s been three fucking years and I haven’t seen you or my baby girl once. This fucking war is ruining us… I love you so much baby, hold on until I get home ok? Love, Katsuki

P.S. I’m sorry you’re having those nightmares but for now, be safe and make sure your eating.

---------------------

You dropped the letter on your lap and put your face in your hands.

Your small daughter who sat at the table coloring stopped and looked at you with concern.

“Mommy? What’s the matter?” She asked in her adorable voice, moving her garnet irises to your face.

You tried to wipe your tears away quickly so she wouldn’t see, but she wasn’t just like your husband in looks…

She climbed into your lap and secured her arms around your neck, letting her legs dangle on either side of you.

“What did papa say this time?” She whispered softly stroking your hair with one hand.

That’s what Katsuki did when you were upset, except you sat in his lap.

“It’s not papa sweetie,” You choked, sniffing loudly and pressing your face into her shoulder, “He just told me he couldn’t send me letters anymore b-because someone else made a mistake.”

Those letters from him were pretty much the only thing keeping you sane.

You bit your lip, trying not full out bawl on your precious baby girl.

She was the only thing you had left of him.

His signature musk had disappeared from all of his clothes, looking at pictures only made you cry more, and Mitsuki and Masaru had been out of town a lot.

You held her close, kissing her cheek and ruffling her spiky pixie cut.

“You keep coloring Katsumi. Mommy will be right back.”

Setting her in her chair, you picked up his latest letter and went to your bedroom.

Pulling a box from under the bed, you lifted the lid and dropped the envelope inside.

Reaching in, you pulled out a crushed flower he’d sent you last year.

It was orange with a black middle.

Setting it back in the box, you picked up another letter and read it again.

--------------

Dear Angel, I’m keeping that picture on me at all times. You are so fucking beautiful, you know that? I don’t think I tell you enough. You know what? I’m gonna tell your pretty ass what and why I love you. Baby, when I first met you, I didn’t think of you as ‘the girl with thicc thighs’ like all of the other assholes did. I fell in love with those eyes. I could fucking drown in them. Next, your mouth. This is going to make me sound all sentimental and shit, but I love your mouth. Your kisses take my fucking breath away, your voice can calm my mind in less than one fucking second, and when you smile, I swear to god, the whole fucking world stops. I hope Katsumi can’t read yet. Should probably stop writing the word ‘fuck.’ Screw it. I love your hugs too. Yeah, you can’t reach my neck when I stand up, but your cuddles are the best and I wish I had you for a good massage right now. You’re perceptive… but you learned that from me. When I feel like shit, you wouldn’t hesitate to do everything in your power to turn me back into the cocky asshole you married 5 years ago. Your thighs… yeah. Definitely your thighs. I know you think they’re too big, but I love to squeeze them and kiss them and bite them. Your skin. Damn, it always smells and tastes so good. You shouldn’t cover it up all the time. You’re such a fucking queen, my angel, and my baby. If you thought I’d find new love here, you’re so wrong. I think about you every day and I want this war to fucking end already so I can come home and hug you and never fucking let go. I hope you’re doing ok. I hope Katsumi is ok too. Try to stop crying honey, it’s not good for you, stay hydrated, and just know I love you and Katsumi so damn much. I love you to the moon and back and every day we’re apart feels like a fucking eternity without seeing you smile. Fuck, four whole fucking years. If this isn’t over soon, I’m coming back to you no matter what it takes. I’ll swim across the Sea of Japan if I have to. I love you, Katsuki

---------------------

Releasing a dismal wail and tears flowing down your cheeks, you dropped that one in the box and picked up another, and another and another.

His old cover.

Your broken locket containing a picture and a few pieces of ash-blonde hair.

The picture of him and his friends.

His official army photo.

A few of his training camp metals.

As you went through the heartbreaking contents of the box, tears poured down your face and soaked your shirt, the floor, and your leggings.

You couldn’t stop shaking and crying, unaware of your small daughter’s presence in the room, staring at you sadly through your door.

You curled up into a little ball of despair, trembling, crying, and whimpering softly as the reality of the situation sank in.

You were alone.

----------------------

2 years later…

You stood at the docs waiting for the ship to come in.

Katsuki was supposed to be on this boat.

You hadn’t heard from him in over 2 years now so how were you to know if he was alive or not?

When the Americans gave up the fight and went home, Japan had no choice except to regroup and recede from their territory and finally, the war was over.

Though, not many were celebrating.

With a loud honk, a huge army boat glided against the large concrete pier and a ramp was put down to let the soldiers off.

One after another, soldier after soldier of all ages exited the boat and into the arms of loved ones.

You began to lose hope.

Where was Katsuki?

He’d promised!

Katsumi, sensing your unease, squeezed your hand.

“Mommy, don’t worry! If daddy said he was coming, he is!”

Then, you saw him.

You put a hand over your mouth as you saw him moving toward you as fast as he could.

On crutches.

When he stood only a few feet away, he stopped.

Your eyes.

So different from when he’d left.

They were watery and sad, a permanent look of despair beaten into your (e/c) orbs.

“Y/n…” He breathed.

The scar.

It went from the side of his head to just under his cheekbone. It was purplish at the seem and it only made you want to cry more.

“Katsu… Katsuki…” You choked, taking a few steps closer to him, hands falling to your sides.

“I know baby, I know.” He whispered, “Come here.”

You fell into the arm he held out to you, burying your face in his chest and breaking down completely.

The crutch that supported him on that side clattered to the ground as he held you tightly, burying his pale face in your hair.

“Ssssh, don’t cry, I’m right here.” He swallowed, trying not to cry.

You gripped his shirt tightly, doing your best to calm down, but you just couldn’t.

All that was left of his left leg was a short stub.

He rubbed your back soothingly, his mind racing with how good it was to have you in his arms again.

He lifted your chin and kissed you.

Your hands took hold of the back of his head and pulled him closer.

When you finally let go, you were breathless.

Tears still leaked from the corners of your eyes and you couldn’t let go of his shirt again, but you couldn’t deny how relieved you were that he was still alive… even if his leg was gone.

“Holy shit baby,” He panted, staring deeply into your eyes, “I missed you so much.”

“I-I missed y-you t-to K-Katsuki,” You gasped, staring into those garnet eyes that the war had deprived you of, “I’m so happy you’re home.”

“You look tired sweetheart,” He placed a hand on your cheek, the warm sensation making you shiver, “I’m sorry I was gone so long.”

“It-It’s not your fault.” You murmured, “Just… when you stopped sending letters, I couldn’t sleep anymore.”

“Never again.” Katsuki kissed you again, “I’ll never leave your side again.”

“Thank you.” You whispered as he pulled you into his arms again.

Something tugged on the back of your shirt.

Katsuki let go of you and you saw your daughter, a handful of your shirt clenched in her fist and her little teeth digging into her pink lip.

You scooped her up and let her rest on your hip.

“Katsumi, meet your papa.” You said softly, a smile creeping onto your lips.

“I… I don’t want to.” She pouted, hiding in your shoulder.

“Wha-? Katsumi-”

“If that’s the guy that made you cry for hours and have nightmares and throw up every morning, and cry whenever you say my name, and cry when you read the letters, and not eat dinner, and have panic attacks, then I don’t like him.” She cried, grabbing your shirt again, “You shouldn’t love him either!”

You paled.

“You… you did?” Katsuki asked, his own features changing color, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t want you to stress too much. You needed to focus on coming back alive and trying to win! Not your stupid wif who can’t stomach anything!”

“Panic attacks, nightmares… Y/n…”

He looked at you, and then at his trembling daughter.

“Katsumi,” He stated, carefully going down on the only knee he had.

You set her down, but she hid her face in your stomach.

“Come here pumpkin.”

Reluctantly, Katsumi turned around and walked toward her father.

“I’m sorry.” He apologized, “I couldn’t send your mom letters cuz some idiot made a dumb choice. She didn’t tell me what was going on and I’m sorry I wasn’t here to help her or take care of you.”

He ruffled his daughter’s spiky locks and smirked.

“You took good care of her for me. Thanks.”

Kissing her forehead, he stood up, gripping his crutches tightly. Then he leaned down and picked her up.

Katsumi squealed and tried to fight back, but his warmth and the safety she felt while being held killed her fighting spirit so soon she pressed her face into her father’s shirt.

“Let’s go home.” You smiled, the sweet scene that had just taken place between your husband and your daughter making your heart throb.

Katsuki nodded, taking in the sight of his goddess-like wife in a blazing orange sunset, the salty sea wind ruffling her hair and blouse.

Breathtaking.

With that, Katsuki Bakugou went home.

Home.

It certainly was a nice word, wasn’t it.

NOT MY ART!!

💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

[chilledplantmum]

CW: stillbirth, mental health, covid 19, trauma

*Names have been changed for privacy and confidentiality reasons

Life line: 13 11 14

Men’s help line: 1300 789 978

Beyond blue: 1300 22 4636

1800 RESPECT

SANDS: pregnancy and infant loss: 1300 072 637

Kids helpline: 1800 551 800

7.50 Monday morning

I was just doing my normal morning routine I was on the loo and I felt this weird sensation I thought Chester had moved away from my bladder as I felt a pop and a gush.

I didn’t panic I just thought it was wee but I called labour and delivery just for an opinion they weren’t concerned and as I had an appointment at 11am so I just chilled out and had breakfast I pushed away any worries because pregnancy teaches you to chill because if you worry about every little thing you’ll go mad. Matt was sleeping as he had had the flu with migraines and temperatures all the previous week and he was buggered. Then I went back to the toilet and I was shocked at that point as I was bleeding bright red blood. So I left the bedroom en-suite as not to wake up Matthew and called labour and delivery again and they seemed not fussed then Matthew came out to the lounge and his face was just shocked he couldn’t believe I hadn’t told him I just wanted him to not worry.

I drove myself to the hospital alone as Matthew was still displaying symptoms of being sick and as this was the thick of covid 19 stages 4 there was no way he’d be anywhere near the hospital though we both had negative results the previous weeks so we could see Matthews son as we didn’t want to expose anyone.

I was called into my appointment very quickly and the OB rushed me to ultrasound. The ultrasound was a bit strange even I could tell there was something wrong as the amount of 20-week ultrasounds I had seen on Facebook did not look like this. The OB said everything should be okay it did look like there was not much fluid but in her words at the time ‘I’m not great with ultrasounds I’ll send you up to the assessment unit they are much better’ but Chester still had a heartbeat so again I didn’t get too worried and I hadn’t had any pain so I made my way up to the assessment centre. Again I was called in fairly quickly even though I counted about 15 heavily pregnant women sitting waiting.

The midwife sat me down and checked on Chester with the Doppler he was rolling around running away from the pressure typical of my little nugget but she found his heartbeat no issues. She did some swabs and then called a doctor. The doctor performed a procedure to check my waters had truly broken. They couldn’t get an accurate answer as there was too much blood. But again they assured me that there was no ‘pooling’ of amniotic fluid so everything should be okay. I went to do the ‘pee cup’ the results showed high glucose which is typical of myself being hypoglycemic and a slight infection marker but nothing extraordinary. Then they transferred me to a single assessment unit to see the head OB and again I didn’t stress because no one seemed to be too worried. I was actually enjoying knitting the scarf I’d been working hard at the whole pregnancy.

The head OB again did a fluid swab which was a nasty painful 60 seconds of my life. Oh and the fact he made the comment that my vagina was at an odd angle and it was impossible to see my cervix. I won’t go into too much detail but it was rough and if I ever see another speculum I’ll most likely cry.

Called Matthew at that point can’t really remember what we spoke about but I was just updating him so he wasn’t out of the loop. I then headed to the toilet and on my way back to my room I saw my OB say to another midwife do you think this test is positive? She replied yes definitely a poor girl. I stopped myself went back to the room in a hurry and just kept repeating no it wasn’t my test why would they just talk openly where everyone could hear. I slowed my breathing something I had been very accurate to my entire life due to anxiety issues so I held it together.

The head OB came in and non-chalnonty told me yes the test is positive my waters had indeed broken. I immediately speed-dialled my love. At that point I could not talk I stopped paying attention to anything around me and I could barely hear any voices. The OB explained the situation to Matthew and left swiftly. Matthew and I just cried not saying a word but uncertain of what the future held. I had a few midwives come to comfort me and told me not to stress babies are born all the time at early gestations. I asked her for some food as I wasn’t prepared for a lengthy hospital experience all I had eaten was a bowl of rice bubbles at 9am it was now 2pm. All she could find was 3 custard puddings as I was feeling faint and quite hungry I downed all 3 without hesitation. I was admitted and given my own room hey it kind of looked like a fancy hotel room. Tad odd there was no TV.

Again I asked for food and asked to make sure my dinner had been organized they assured me it had been.

Then my mate Didrie* the first midwife I met on the ward. I will not forget her she was kind, she was gentle.

I asked her for answers there was none at that point.

I called Matthew so he could hear the plan she explained so he could have his questions answered.

Now at this point, I need you to brace yourself as I can hardly handle my anger for this moment.

My honest and compassionate self told Dierdre about Matthew and I’s covid tests and they were negative but Matthew had developed a dry cough that morning. He was instantly refused entry to the hospital and was made to take a covid test.

Bare with me this bits a little complicated. I had driven the car in and as we only have one car Matthew needed to come to pick it up so he asked Dedrie if he could bring my bedding and bags for the admission to the front door and give me a hug......... the answer of course ... no

I called my mother and asked her to drive Matthew to pick up the car and so I could at least see one familiar face..... breathe..... the covid rules for antenates was one visitor for the entire stay and only 2 hours of visiting per person.

At this point I had Deidre explain this to Matthew as I was exhausted beyond comprehension. Matthew begged and begged and the head midwife said absolutely not until his covid test was negative. He basically ran to get the test and was told it was going to take 3-5 days. He told this story to the nurse who completed his test she cried. That angel of a woman put his test under immediate healthcare exemption so it was fast-tracked for 24-hour turn around.

At this point, I was given the impossible choice of having my mum give me a hug and a conversation so I could cope or wait for Matthew when his test came back. At this point I almost shut down I had no answers for my unborn and my stupid empathetic brain pulled Dedrie aside and apologized for how Matthew and my mother sounded I had chosen to wait for the father of my child. I apologized to her and said they were quite angry as only a year and a half ago I had almost succeeded in ending my life. Deidre hugged me and said just wait.

She returned not more than 5 minutes later and said call your mother right now and get her up here. You have exceptional circumstances.

At this point, I was still waiting for food I believe it was around 8pm. The food service lady knocked opened the door and stated have you got your tray? I looked at her utterly confused and said what do you mean? I haven’t received my dinner yet. She just said okay well dinner service was over.

I begged mum to go get me food I was weak tired emotional and confused. My mother’s anxiety got the best of her and said she had no idea how to navigate sunshine. I dialled Matthew crying and said can you buy me some tea, my darling partner said what do you want anything for you.

Deidre Returned and said she had gotten approval for external food to be brought in. My mother went to the front door to collect the food from Matthew. She was hassled by security on the way back to my room.

It was KFC just chips and potato and gravy and as it was quite late at this stage I took in as much as I could but I could hardly eat it was the Coca Cola that saved my energy levels. I had to just force the food in.

Mum left after her 2-hour visit with a letter from the hospital stating she had permission to be out after curfew.

I just sat on my hard horrible uncomfortable hospital bed and just cried not sure how long but it was endless tears.

I finally passed out from exhaustion.

The night head midwife came in and woke me up around 1am for an obs check. I knew something was wrong as I could barely make out a human she had so much PPE. She said you are now in isolation and you will be given your covid test in the morning. I said can I get a can of Pepsi out of the vending machine just quickly as I hadn’t had any soft drink in soooo long. It was hard no. She did my obs and checked Chester with the Doppler she kept complaining how hard it was to find him as it was such an early gestation but for a fleeting 3 seconds, I heard the gallop of his fluttering heart. And everything was okay.

I was woken up abruptly the next morning at who knows what time. At this point, I lost track of days time and distance. The doctors said your ultrasound to check on my little nugget won’t be today as it was a too high risk of infecting people with my nonexistent covid. They left just as quickly as they had presented.

I just broke I have no idea how long I was crying for it was grief it was something between a scream and a moan it was so loud I had to drown out my own thoughts I had to drown out everything. I pressed the call buttons who knows how many times no one ever came.

I passed out. I was then woken again by a stranger covered head to toe in white there were no eyes no smile no humanity. She did my obs and said are you ready for your covid swab? I begged I had had no symptoms a negative test. She said it doesn’t matter you need to test clear for our safety. I said what happens if I refuse, she said your situation won’t change it will just prolong your stay. I opened my mouth with tears streaming down my face I have a pretty strong gag reflex but there were a few dry heaves. Then the nose she said I’ll be gentle I was just hanging to my thoughts of Matthew and Chester. She did one nostril and the pain was unbearable every nerve ending in my body was burning from emotion the psychical pain was just something I couldn’t cope with. The masked woman said you need to calm down it’s not good for you and baby. She asked are you ready for the other nostril, breathing through snot tears and pain I said if I refuse will I be made to take it again if there is a negative result. She said no, I said, in that case, you're not touching me. I’m not entirely sure what happened next I think at that point I stopped calling family as I couldn’t bear to see the pain in their faces or in their voice. I just kept saying be strong, bubs needs you to be strong right now. I don’t remember much from the interactions from those midwives that day. I do know that I started to develop a migraine as I had not had proper caffeine in close to 24 hours. There was another angel that day who said if you need anything to buzz me as you cannot leave this room. I said all I want is a can of coke and I’ll be able to survive the day. The midwives I could hear were run off there feet so many met calls for other mums every time I pressed the buzzer it was a good half hour to an hour to get service. Then came changeover I had a new midwife, my angel didn’t come through and the migraine started to become unbearable. Then she opened the door she said I didn’t forget about you. Look after yourself she took off her mask and smiled, it was an act of pure empathy and humanity.

I had been referred to my next angel the social work rainbow that came from pain and clouds. Rainbow* you saved my mind that day. You sat with me for over 2 hours listening. We swapped stories of our social work careers which were eerily similar. We talked about maternity social work and how horrible it can be and how unfair the world is. She then said she was off to do the paperwork for Matthew to stay the night when he tests negative the first exemption The hospital had to learn to deal with.

Then one of the best phone calls of my life came through it was Matt I could hear his smile from a mile away he had tested negative. I cried with joy a deep love.

Later that night my blood pressure plummeted I was faint tired and had barely eaten or drank any fluid.

The doctor said we need to hydrate you right now and ordered IV fluids

I demanded they did not the vein in my elbow as it was always the most painful IV vein he tried twice. I came very very close to passing out and giving up but I stayed awake and strong I downed some orange juice. He said the vein he found had collapsed and he would try the other arm I again said do not touch my elbow. Again he stuck in the canular needle and once again the vein collapsed. I went numb, I have an intense fear of needles but my blood pressure continued to plummet from the stress and pain. A second midwife gave it a try yet again they found a vein it didn’t produce enough blood. I remained steadfast you are not to touch the painful vein every doctor and midwife saying how much easier it would be. Now at this point, they brought in someone who never fails..... she spent a good ten minutes analyzing my arms finally stuck me number 4 she was in and then the vein once again collapsed.

I was so tired and delirious she talked me into the painful vein. Such regret for that moment.

She was gentle it was by a bit tender but not painful.

My iv fluids went in and I quickly started feeling better my bp came back up. They wrapped my arm and left me to rest. I don’t recall much else not sure if I slept. I believe it was a video call with my angels of a blended family my Matthew, my sons mum and Chesters brother and nanny. I was so happy just to hear My bonus son giggle and say he’s silly quirks I was floored how much he had grown in just over a week.

Sleep was not my friend that night the canula started to burn it started to ache and I started to just give in to the pain and let the panic take hold I just lay there hyperventilating and just giving in to the pain. Again the head midwife entered who knows what she looked like I knew she was older, I was so so weak and I begged and begged for her to take out the IV I started to lose it. She said to stop being silly it doesn’t hurt that bad I’ll flush it and you’ll be okay. You need to get it together. She broke a boundary she rubbed my belly and said you need to stay calm for the baby.

She bandaged me up and said okay shall we listen to the baby? I was so happy to hear those words just connecting to the little miracle in my uterus. He played up a treat she said sounds like there’s fluid in there and you hear the gushing? Hope-filled my heart and then I heard him hiccup I slept well that night even though I was writhing in pain from the IV

I sat there rolled up in my maternity pillow and therapy blanket and I’m not a religious person but I sat there cried and prayed I said Hail Marys our fathers I begged and pleaded with the universe, I promised I would do anything to keep my child. I was a good person I helped people, I am kind I am generous. How could God take my baby from me when my abusive ex who had threatened to kill me and any new partner I fell in love with, strangled me several times held a knife to my throat had a perfectly healthy child. I begged I pleaded I prayed. At the end of this stay, god religion whatever you believe does not exist there is no fairness. I just cling to love and joy family good friends and life.

Again like doctors do they banged on my room for rounds stated you will be going for your ultrasound in an hour. I didn’t comprehend anything they said to me the midwife entered the room just a mask and kind eyes and I said what is going on? She said did the doctors not tell you? Your covid test is negative and there ready for you to come down to ultrasound to see nugget boy. I called Matthew tears of pure joy running down my face.

The PCA collected me in a wheelchair I just couldn't find the energy to walk. It was the young woman’s first day and she had no idea where ultrasound was, I said don’t worry I got you to let’s go.

I arrived and waiting an hour for the ultrasound that was ready for me know. I asked reception for a mask from politeness to others couldn't give two shits about anything as I was negative for the dumb virus anyway.

Finally called into ultrasound. I stated to the tech can I call my partner, she said I’ll talk to my supervisor, came back 5 minutes later and said only for the first 2 minutes, I just politely said Thankyou and dialled. The second the machine hit my stomach I saw him I had no idea what I was looking at it was just like a car that had been crushed into a cube I knew it was bad when the tech went quiet and left the room. Matt and I sat there in silence quiet tears running down my face we knew it was bad. The tech returned with the more senior tech, at that moment I was a thing an object they talked amongst themselves about how there was no fluid there was no clear vision of anything. But yet there was his little fluttering heart. He was still going strong.

It was long painful ultrasound bursitis and arthritis in my hips was near unbearable I was just so sensitive to pain which is not something I’m used too I normally can barely feel a thing until I’m at level 8 or 9 levels of pain and even then it’s hard to get me to take pain killers. Matthew and I stayed silent he said I will shower waiting for the doctor.

I went to the toilet and in seconds I could hear my name being called I ran out and went with my next angel The high-risk OB (HROB*)She sat me down and even with all her PPE I knew that look it’s as obvious as a deer in headlights. I paused and said before we start I need to call Matthew. He had jumped in the shower so it took him some time to respond. HROB started I’m so sorry.... that was all I needed to hear I don’t remember the words said next but Matthew has called back. HROB said I won’t say much more until Matthew was there as decisions needed to be made for our child. I had tears again I was out of breath I couldn't catch my breath with the goddamn mask on HROB gave me a minute as I had snot flying everywhere. I said can Matthew please please stay more than 2 hours she said no the government and police make those rules. I could barely stand

HROB asked someone I have no idea who but they basically held me up while walking back to the ward. Just waiting for the elevator I fell to the ground trying to get my breath.

I have no idea how but I made it to level 7 I said to the midwife wait for me I’m going to the fucking vending machine

I was taken back to my room which now I could move freely in and out of. Matthew knocked and the sense of love and relief I had at the moment was indescribable. We just sat down and held each other for hours no words needed to be said. At that point, there were no words.

Rainbow knocked she was so much more beautiful without the lab suit on.

She said I’ve got 10 minutes as I am now running up to my office Matthew you will stay the night I promise you.

Hours went by and then 3.30 came

HROB walked in we arranged the room.

The news was something no parent no human wants to hear.

Bubs our little peanut, nugget bean had a 1-5% chance of having completely normal anatomy and a normal or healthy quality of life.

The next sentence I’m sure nearly killed Matthew right then and there. HROB said bubs had 4 more days to go till viability. But with every second he was safe in my tummy it became more and more dangerous for me. The next words I don’t remember and I still can’t imagine the power. She said if you go into labour bubs would not live. And then if I got an infection I would only have a very small chance of survival many women quickly end up in ICU with sepsis and can die within minutes. She said if any tiny hint of infection set in we would not be given a choice. She made me promise if infection set in I would not refuse treatment and induction as bubs would 100% not survive and if I refused neither would I. It’s was Wednesday I think at that point. HROB left us to hopefully make the decision between a mother’s health and babies life. Of course, my instinct was baby. I asked Matthew he couldn't answer but I knew the look in his eyes and what it meant.

Matthew and I needed the connection we needed family we needed his son my beautiful bonus son. And they all answered it was the silver lining in a fucked up time bonus sons’ hiccups had my near in tears he sounded just like his brother's little hiccups. He was so happy to see daddy and cag cag ( his name for me) his smile lit up my heart and I just felt love just for a little while everything was okay. But then I saw my face in the camera view I started to get pale, I got pale, I pushed to stay on the phone as I just wanted to hold onto hope and joy. But then I fell behind Matthew and passed out in pain.

Not 2 hours later the choice was taken away I started to cramp, it came on thick and fast. The most intense pain I’ve ever felt. Whole-body convulsions I was rolling over and over again punching things screaming a primal scream that I didn’t recognize.

It was a blur from there for me the one memory I do have was Matthew pressing the buzzer furiously running up and down the halls trying to find someone to help finally they took a preemptive blood test ordered by a midwife. And then the morphine injection.

I had never seen my partner so angry so bossy, so in control. The young midwife just kept asking if I was ready.

Matthew lost it and said just do it she can’t talk she’s in pain just do it!

That injection felt like it went through my entire thigh through the other side. Matthew stated that the way I pulled away I nearly snapped the needle off into my thigh.

But then it’s was a blur I do recall the midwife coming in and stating there was an infection that had set in but it was mild and there was still hope.

We were moved to the assessment centre not long later.

Matthew passed out on the couch I was high as a kite on morphine and I just wanted cuddles and he said cass I need rest.

I spent much of my time with the international midwives guessing their accents apparently I did well. Then in passed out from being so tired.

Sleep evaded me as I discovered that morphine started to make me hallucinate. I was having night terrors quite frequently.

Finally, the morphine wore off and then the hunger kicked in

The midwife offered me the Doppler I said there’s no point it’s too painful.

Upon reflection he must have passed at this point as the vegemite craving kicked in all I wanted was a strong desire for vegemite sandwiches.

Then the moment came, the pain was starting to settle in but I was denied pain killers as I had to be clear-headed to sign my consent to induction.

One of the most delirious moments of my life one of trauma and sadness and even though this is just so new I still feel like I sentenced my darling Boy to death. I screamed I yelled I cried, I punched the bed. The pain started to set in again

Matthew said please let me sign it but as it was my body I had to.

I just couldn't do it I couldn't terminate my miracle child the child I was told I could never have conceived naturally.

Then Matt held me tight he begged and begged and cried he said you promised. bubs is gone I can’t lose both of you.

HROB just got frank she said I need to go but your choice is you sign this piece of paper or instead of losing one life we are losing two.

It took everything in me to go against every human value I hold dear but I signed.

I was then given more endone so I could relax.

I was rushed to the birthing suite by wheelchair, I couldn't stand on my own two feet let alone walk.

It was a fast process they said you have time for lunch so ordered as many dumplings as I desired. They came at me with that fucking canula again 3 pokes later I said go away I do not give you consent to touch me if I have to have IV antibiotics for 48 hours I will not spend it crying from a nasty painful IV

the dumplings arrived and they said it’s time hop on the bed we are inducing you. They said you will have plenty of time to eat. 3 times the usual dose they said we will increase the dose again in 3 hours.

I started on the dumplings I had been craving all day. I had 3

The pain came on thick, fast and nasty.

First was an endone tablet it worked as well as panadol. Then I was given the gas it worked for about the first 3 contractions they were not very far apart. I was right side up to upside down there was no comfortable position. The gas was just making me giddy and slowed my breathing I started getting angry all I wanted was time to eat I was starving. I pulled my shoulder trying to rip the bed rail off the bed. And then after a little, while I was ready I have no idea if I was dilated to the full but the midwife set the toilet up so I could sit and relax and push and there were towels to catch baby I had the gas and I had to be forced to take breathes as I just wanted to be high. I looked at myself in the mirror I looked tired but I could still see the strength in myself. Then the last few contractions hit and he didn't take long.

Bubs was breech and I cannot describe the feeling of giving birth there are no words.

I was moved to the bed to relax and give the final push it took mere seconds and he was out

The most heartwarming words came out of Matthews's mouth. Cassie, it’s a boy

High from the gas, I had a short break and then got to hold my darling boy in my arms

There are no words for the love I felt

Matthew and I looked at each other and said it’s our little Chester.

[wingedquill]

against the dying of the light, chapter one

@geraltwhumpweek

Title: against the dying of the light

Ships: Geralt/Jaskier (though not in this chapter)

Prompt Day: Day 5, Loneliness

Medium: Netflix

Warnings: Torture, Geralt is blinded very suddenly and violently. There is a lot of subsequent panic and internalized ableism about said blindness, and he's going to be very negative about it for quite a while (this chapter especially). This chapter in particular has a lot of panicked, disjointed writing/thinking so please proceed with caution.

Word Count: 2,830

Summary: When Geralt is captured by Nilfgaard and tortured for the whereabouts of his daughter, he tries to escape. Of course he does. It's in his nature. Nilfgaard comes up with a clever solution to stop him from running again. A caustic potion poured over his eyes. Time goes a bit funny after that.

Author’s Note: Chapter one of this was written for Geralt Whump Week, but this is set in the Juniper Verse. In case you haven't read that and don't feel like investing time in a long multichapter, all you need to know for this fic is that Geralt was kidnapped by Nilfgaard to protect Ciri, and that Jaskier is actually a witcher named Juniper. Chapters two and three (detailing Geralt's recovery and his and Juniper's budding relationship) will go up at some point soon-ish, but it's not really a priority for me right now, fic-wise, so don't be surprised if it takes a while.

Geralt tries to escape. Of course he does. He wasn’t made to sit quietly in a cage and let them hurt him. So as soon as he has the slightest sliver of an opportunity, he picks the locks on his chains, kills his guard with his bare hands, and sprints for the exit.

He should have waited, he thinks, when he throws open the door to the sounds of shouting and stampeding footsteps. He should have waited, he thinks, when Fringilla waves her hand and his legs lose all their strength. He should have waited, he thinks, when they drag him back to his cell and throw him on the bloodstained table. They don’t even bother to chain him down—Fringilla’s magic has left him completely motionless. Completely helpless.

He should have fucking waited.

Fringilla stalks into the room, spitting fury as her subordinates. Her magic presses down around him, heavy and oppressive. If she gets any angrier, he fears she’ll crack a rib. She stands over Geralt, grabbing his chin in her hand. Her magic is the only thing that stops him from flinching back, and shame curls in his gut, shame that he’s been reduced to beaten-animal reflex in so short a time.

“I have half a mind to keep you like this,” she snarls. “Paralyzed. On this table. Capable of nothing but hurting.”

One of her lackeys steps forward and hands her a clear jug filled with bright red liquid. Geralt expects her to force it down his throat. Expects it to be like the green potion that he’d been made to drink so many times, setting his nerves on fire without leaving a single mark on his body. Pain without the need for a healer. Convenient for his captors.

“But that would take a toll on me,” she continues, swirling the liquid around the glass. “And Nilfgaard needs me at my strongest. So this is my solution to stop you from running again, witcher. Do let me know what you think.”

She tilts her wrist and pours the red potion directly into Geralt’s eyes.

It burns.

He wants to scream, wants to thrash, wants to claw at his face and get it off,but he just lies limply on the table and stares up at the ceiling, at the face of his tormentor. And the room is cold, and gray, and dark, and getting darker.

The world is burning away from the edges of his vision and no, no, nothis can’t be happening to him, this can’t—

This can’t be the last thing he sees.

But it is.

Blackness overtakes everything and he hopes, stupidly, childishly, that he’s just fallen unconscious, except his eyes are stillon fire, shit, fuck, this isn’t real, he has to be dreaming. He hears Fringilla bark an order, feels rough hands grab at his limbs and lift. He’s dumped unceremoniously back on the ground and cold metal clicks shut around his wrists, ankles, neck.

He has motion again. A scream explodes out of his throat, animalistic, wounded, grieving a loss that he never thought he’d have to endure. He curls over himself, bringing his shackled hands up to rub frantically at his eyes. But it’s far too late. The damage is done. He’s—

He’s—

“We should have done this earlier,” he hears Fringilla say. Is she out of the room? How many people are here with him, how many people could hurt him? He doesn’t know, he doesn’t know, he doesn’t know because he can’t fucking see. “I think this might be the thing that breaks him.”

Footsteps. Leaving him alone? Is he alone, or are they watching him sob, watching him wail like a child? He knows that his cell is small, but it feels very big, all of a sudden. The world is vast in its emptiness, and he thinks he might be the only person left in it. Stumbling through the void alone.

He wraps his arms around his knees and squeezes his eyes shut. As long as they’re closed, he can pretend that the blackness around him is there by his own choice.

***

For the first night, he tricks himself into thinking it might be temporary. He keeps his eyes closed for long stretches of time and tells himself that, when he opens them, he’ll be able to see again. Perhaps it will be blurry, perhaps it will be faded or colorless, but it’ll be more than endless nothing.

But he opens his eyes again. And again. And again. And every time, it’s nothing but darkness.

His own breaths are loud, loud, loud as thunder in his ears, and his heart is beating faster than it’s ever gone. Sweat covers him from head to toe and he’s shaking like an earthquake, like a small animal terrified of a thunderstorm. Is he dying? It feels like he might be dying.

He’s dying and falling and whirling away into the nothingness of the world.

No. It’s not nothingness. There is cold stone beneath his legs. A collar around his neck, chains on his limbs. Pain licking through his nerves, the aftershocks of the potion they’ve been forcing down his throat every day.

He’s here. He’s in this cell. He’s a prisoner of Nilfgaard and they’ve—

He’s not alone. That’s the point. The world hasn’t fallen away. There are still other people, lurking beyond the small cell filled with his desperate gaps. And he needs to remember that because those other people could hurt him even worse than he’s already been hurt. Want to hurt him worse, want to make him suffer.

He wonders if they’ll come back to give him the potion again, or if they’ll be content with watching him drift through the darkness, watching him cry (because he’s still crying, he can’t stop crying, it’s been hours now, and the tears still rush from him like a river) and whimper and claw at his eyes like that might lift the darkness away.

Maybe they’ll take your hearing.

He curls up even tighter.

Maybe they’ll take your tongue. Or your hands.

Tighter.

Maybe they’ll break your spine and leave you motionless and nerveless.

A sob bursts from his chest and the breaths rush from him, in and out like a runaway horse.

Maybe—

Maybe—

Maybe they weren’t content with—

His mind can dwell on a thousand different scenarios of what his torturers might do next, but it refuses to acknowledge what they’ve already done. It skates around the word, dances away from it.

They weren’t—

They want to do more than—

The breaths rush and rush, snatching control of his lungs away from him. He slumps down, shifting from a seated position to a lying one, his arms curled around his torso like that will do anything to protect him, his side pressing against the ground, his back against the wall. Anchor, anchor, anchor.

You’re on the world, you’re on the world, you’re here, you’re here, you’re just—

He uncurls his hand from his chest and presses his trembling fingers against the floor. Traces the cracks and dirt and tacky splotches he thinks are blood.

You’re here.

***

He sleeps, eventually. He doesn’t have much energy to begin with, these days, and his lungs running away from him sapped whatever was left.

When he opens his eyes, he thinks he might be dreaming at first. There is no other reason to wake to total darkness, not when his tormentors have been leaving torches burning constantly in his cell to fuck with his sleep. He’s used to opening his eyes to flames and gray stone, used to opening his eyes and seeing the fucking table that they like to strap him down on.

So. There’s no reason for this break in routine, unless he’s dreaming.

For a split second, he’s confused.

And then he remembers.

***

He cries the entire day. He thinks. Time is hard to mark when you’re—

***

Eventually he hears his cell door slamming open. He jumps at the suddenness of it, slamming his head against the wall. There’s laughter, cold and cruel, slipping into his void and crushing him from all sides. He doesn’t know who it belongs to, which guard has decided to visit him.

He almost asks.

He clenches his jaw shut. He won’t speak to them, not a single word. He promised himself that a long time ago, promised Ciri that a long time ago, and it’s not a promise he intends to break.

“Breakfast, puppy,” the man says. “Though I can see you didn’t want your dinner last night. Are we feeding you too much?”

Geralt doesn’t answer. Breakfast? But it was the evening wasn’t it? He’s been awake all day, he’s been crying for hours.

Time passes funny when you’re—

“I’ll take that as a yes,” the man laughs. Geralt hears a clatter as he sets the plate down. “I’ll pass along your message to Fringilla.”

Less food. When he can already feel his clothes hanging looser, when his hair has started to fall out, when his stomach is constantly screaming in pain.

He doesn’t answer.

“Eat up,” the man says, and the door slams shut again.

***

He needs to leave the corner.

***

He needs to leave the corner if he wants to eat now.

***

He needs to leave the corner if he doesn’t want them to cut his rations again.

***

He moves on his hands and knees, shivering the whole time. As soon as he gets a few feet—is it a few feet, is it more, is it less, is it?—away from the wall, his lungs run away from him again. He collapses in the middle of the floor, focusing all his energy on forcing his breathing steady.

In and out and in and out and in.

They must be laughing at him, the famous White Wolf reduced to hysterics at the mere act of crawling across a floor.

Is this going to be the rest of his life?

No. It can’t be. It’ll wear off, or Fringilla will get bored and remove it, or he’ll get out of here and find a mage who can fix him.

He’s not—

He’s just not.

***

He finds the food eventually. He thinks it takes him an hour. Maybe two.

Maybe more.

He eats, the raw meat already growing rancid, and steadies himself to return to his corner.

***

Time passes.

***

Time passes.

***

Time is funny when—

When—

He still can’t think the word.

***

His mind keeps circling around Ciri. Wondering where she is. Who she’s with. If she’s okay—gods please, please let her be okay. You can leave me in the darkness, but please let her be okay.

He remembers her as she was in the clearing, terrified, tears pooling in her eyes, refusing to leave him. Leaving him anyway.

It isn’t her fault. It isn’t. It isn’t. This was his choice. His and his alone. He can’t blame his child for this, he just—he can’t. If he does, he’s the kind of monster that deserves to be struck down by silver.

But he thinks of the flash of her hair as she ran, her cloak furling out behind her. And he wonders, drifting in the darkness, if that was his last sight of her.

It wasn’the tells himself, as the days go on and on and on, and the darkness refuses to lighten. It can’t have been.

***

Other potential lasts.

Roach, eyes rolling madly in her head as she was dragged away by soldiers.

Yennefer, back to him, chest heaving as she realized what he had taken from her.

Jaskier, face twisted up in pain, trying desperately not to cry as Geralt dashed his heart on the ground.

They’re all shit.

They can’t be true lasts.

***

Time passes.

And passes.

***

Eventually, Fringilla does start giving him that potion again, the one that sets every nerve alight and makes him scream until his throat gives out.

He’s almost grateful for it, at first. It’s a distraction from the nothing, nothing, nothing.

***

He stops being grateful after—

After a while. Not sure how long.

***

Time passes.

And then.

***

Jaskier’s voice. Jaskier’s hands, pressing against his face, smoothing back his hair, tracing the skin around his eyes. Geralt leans into the touch, breathes in his scent, chases the melody of his voice. It might be a dream. A hallucination brought on by too much pain and too much nothingness. But he’ll drink it in while it’s here, savor it like a fine wine, a gracious lover, a peaceful day.

“We’re getting you out,” Jaskier whispers and—

Ciri is here, sobbing in his arms, a frantic litany of apologies that tug at his heart until he thinks it might snap clean in two. He holds her close, as tightly as he can with his sapped strength, and whispers reassurances in her hair. That it’s not her fault. That he’s proud of her.

(Though he’s terrified, that she’s here, because what the fuck was Jaskier thinking, bringing his child into this hell?)

And Yen is here too, tugging him to his feet, snarking at Jaskier like this is just another monster hunt. His family, here, around him, and they’re pulling him out of the cell, pressing him on step by step by agonizing step.

He wonders, briefly, if he might have died.

And then Fringilla appears, and Ciri steps forward, and he dismisses that thought entirely as his daughter turns his torturer into a tree.

Not even death would be that strange.

***

They drag him out of the shaking, screaming castle.

He struggles, weakly, pointlessly, because there’s one member of his family missing, and he can’t leave her, he can’t lose her, not after everything.

“It’s just a stupid horse,” Yennefer mutters, but Jaskier knows better.

***

He falls against her and breathes her in.

Life. Warmth.

His first and best anchor.

You’re on the world. You’re here. You’re not flying away.

“Sorry Roach,” he says against her neck. “Sorry. Bet you want to get back on the road again, huh?”

She nickers softly, he breath whooshing slowly and steadily beneath his ear.

“Yeah,” he agrees. “Me too.”

You’ll never be able to ride her again, and you know it. Not properly.

He closes his eyes. It doesn’t make a difference.

This is the first of a thousand griefs.

***

But maybe not. Maybe—

Maybe Yennefer can fix this.

Maybe you don’t have to be—

***

He doesn’t feel like he’s here with them, as they pile into Yennefer’s safe house, moving too quickly for him to track. They flutter around him like anxious birds, pressing hands against his skin, and he knows he should feel like he’s part of the world. He knows that they are trying to ground him. But he doesn’t—

He can’t—

He wants to see Jaskier’s smile, he wants to see Ciri’s excitable bounce as she reaches up to grab his hand, he wants to see Yennefer’s steady violet eyes. He wants the reminder that they’re here, and he’s here, and he wants the world to be concrete and steady and solid around him.

Yennefer puts her hands on his face.

“This won’t hurt,” she promises.

He flinches anyway, from a knowledge that might hurt more than any blow.

Please, he says to all the gods in the sky. Please please please please don’t let me be—

“I’m sorry,” Yennefer says.

***

Time shatters.

***

Nononononononononono

***

“Yennefer. Can you take Ciri out of here?”

***

NonononononononononononoNONONONO—

***

Jaskier’s arms are around him, Jaskier’s voice is around him, echoing and soothing and Geralt can’t even hear what he’s saying.

***

His lungs are running away and he’s crying and crying and he doesn’t think he’ll ever stop, it’s all his eyes are fucking good for anymore AND HE CAN’T—

***

“Breathe,” Jaskier says, and he doesn’t know how to do that. “Please breathe, sweetheart, please—”

***

Time is shattered, time is shattered, time doesn’t mean anything anymore, it could be noon or midnight, and he wouldn’t know because he’s—

***

“No,” he wails. “No, no, no, no, no. I can’t do this, Jaskier, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t—”

Jaskier is shaking beneath him and he thinks Jaskier might be crying too, but he can’t tell, he can’t, because he’s—

***

“I’m blind,” he sobs. His mind can’t slip around the word anymore. It can’t escape it. It’s made a home in his brain, and he doesn’t think it’ll ever leave. Doesn’t think it’ll ever stop echoing, around and around and around.

“I’m blind, I’m blind, I’m blind, Jaskier, I—”

“I know,” Jaskier says. His breath stutters against Geralt’s cheek. He rocks back and forth like Geralt is a newborn babe, like simple motion is the answer to his tears. But it isn’t. Because nothing will ever fix this.

Nothing will ever bring him back to the world.

[wocfics]

Step By Step

Kim Namjoon Series

Arranged Marriage Series

Main Masterlist

KNJ x Poc Reader

Warnings: None

Word Count: 2k+

“Shhh...come on YoungMi, please get some sleep for mommy.” You paced around your daughter’s room while rocking her in your arms. You glanced over at the clock that read 2:43 am and took a deep breath. YoungMi whined and cried quietly in your arms. You knew she couldn’t help it since she was sick and the poor thing couldn’t get sleep. After getting prescribed medicine, the doctor said it should work after a couple of hours but Namjoon, being Namjoon, forgot to give it to her before her bedtime and you were left to fix it. It had only been a few minutes since you gave it to her and she started to quiet down.

Ever since that day at the building, you and Namjoon haven’t been on the best of terms. You avoided him as much as possible, only talking to him when it was related to the child you both shared. You didn’t have long to think about the living conditions since all of your stuff had already been moved in anyways. You did what you had to for your baby, wanting nothing but the nest for her. That was a few months ago, of course and now you had to deal with a sick, crying baby. Although you weren’t talking to Namjoon as much, you were able to figure out his schedule since it was a must. 

5 am- Namjoon wakes up and so does YoungMi

5:30- Namjoon has eaten breakfast while you feed the baby as well and let Namjoon hold her for a while before heading to the studio.

6 am- YoungMi goes back down after being tired from waking up so early and you take a shower.

7 am- You cook yourself breakfast and do any cleaning that wasn’t done the night before while learning Korean through an app and books, with help from Jimin.

7:45- YoungMi wakes up and you get her dressed for the day.

Between 8 am and 10 pm you give MiMi her tummy time so she can learn to crawl, feed her and you make a grocery list for later, make lunch and do laundry.

By 12:30 YoungMi is down for her nap while you eat breakfast and learn more Korean, taking notes.

1:15- MiMi wakes up from her nap and is fed again.

2pm: You and the baby go out to the grocery store and spend some time at the Han River.

5pm: You start cooking dinner and brush up on your studies since you’re still waiting for a few phone calls for your esthetician job.

6pm- You feed MiMi again and turn on soft music for her to listen to while she sits in her bouncer and watches you make dinner. 

7pm- You give MiMi her bath

8pm- You eat and put the rest up for Namjoon

9pm- Namjoon comes home and goes right to spend some time with MiMi before bed while you learn more Korean.

10pm- Namjoon takes another shower and goes to bed while you go to bed in the other bedroom.

You had all of this figured out within the 3 months that you’ve been living together. Sometimes Namjoon will send a text to see YoungMi on his lunch break at the building so you bring her there, but you won’t say a word to him and the boys can tell that there’s a lot of tension between the two of you. They don’t speak on it, since most of them have their own issues going on already with their wives. When you do need a break, Namjoon’s mother, the angel that she is, will take the baby to give you some free time in which you do squeeze in a few sessions with a personal trainer since you wanted to get your body back.

Now, in this room with your daughter slowly falling asleep, you sniffled some since she was starting to make you sick, all from taking care of her. You kissed her head a few times, rocking back and forth. Even if your eyes felt heavy and you wanted to sleep, you knew you couldn’t until she was okay. Motherhood was definitely taking its toll on you and your body but you wouldn’t give her up for anything. It was hard, but you knew you could do it and even if you and Namjoon didn’t see eye to eye he was a great dad, a little forgetful but great to MiMi. 

Laying her down in her crib and placing a blanket over her, you walked over to the humidifier in her room and filled it with more water, turned it on and walked back to your own room. Hearing the other door open, you froze and turned to see Namjoon coming out of the room, shirtless and wearing boxers while scratching his chest and staring at you. “She okay? I heard her crying.” He grumbled. God, why does his voice have to be so deep and sexy at this hour? If you didn’t hate him so much right now you would probably be pregnant again. You hadn’t gotten laid since the night your daughter was conceived but you were sure he got his fill while you suffered.

“She’s fine now, you forgot to give her the medicine she was supposed to take hours ago.” He cursed and rubbed his face. “I forgot...I’m sorry. Hectic day and-” “It’s taken care of now, just go back to bed.” You cut him off, not really in the mood to hear what he had to say. Closing your door behind you, taking a deep breath, you sat on the edge of your bed and rubbed the back of your neck and that’s when your door opened and in walked Namjoon, closing it behind him and clasping his hands together. Was he for real? Right now at this hour and still wearing boxers? 

“Y/N...we need to talk about this now. It’s been months and this is getting ridiculous. I know we don’t know much about each other but we do have a daughter together and I would like for us to get along for her sake. There’s an award show coming up and the company wants us to invite the wives, ever since the announcement people have been waiting to see all of you so I need you on this, Y/N, please. There’s already enough stress with this comeback and the new album dropping soon.” He paused for a few seconds and looked at you. “We can talk more about it in the morning, you can even sleep in the bed with me and move your stuff into the room. I want to work this out.” He added. 

He looked like a God when he was begging like this. Blinking a few times, you rolled your eyes twice as hard as he spoke and picked at your pajama shorts before looking up at him. “I want you to apologize. Apologize to me for what you said. You wanted me to stay out of your way, you wanted me to stay in the extra bedroom and not bother you while you work and I gave you exactly what you wanted and now you hate it. I’ve been giving you what you’ve wanted besides this marriage that I had no say in...I just want you to know, that as hard as it is for you it was hard for me too, Namjoon. To be pregnant by myself with no help, drive myself to the hospital and give birth alone and then take care of her for 2 months by myself. No help, just sleeping when she sleeps and eating when she isn’t crying. So, with that, the only thing I want from you is an apology. I’ll fix everything else tomorrow and we can figure something out but I just need you to understand that I’m also overwhelmed too.” You climbed under the blanket and looked at him. 

“Please, let me get some sleep, call your mother in the morning to pick up MiMi and keep her for the day.” Namjoon nodded and gave you a small smile. “This will all work out, I promise. All relationships have obstacles and this is one of many that we will get through. Things will get crazier but I promise I’ll try my best for both of you. Um, goodnight, Y/N.” He nodded his head once again before leaving the room.

Great, now you were stuck staring up at the ceiling and thinking about what he just said. Clearly he needed to redeem himself and you could tell he felt guilty about what you went through while being alone and pregnant. Also, you had forgotten about the award show and even the whole announcement. You stayed away from most of your social media except for Instagram, which you kept extremely private and you wouldn’t dare to go on Twitter even though you had thousands of notifications. What were you gonna wear to this award show anyways?

You and the other wives had your fittings in one dressing room, all matching colors with your husband, your color was gold. You were placed in a short dress, black with gold details, the back was only slightly low and the dress itself stopped at your mid thigh, almost feeling like a second skin. Your jewelry was gold as well, a few rings, earrings, a gold diamond choker and a a bracelet. Your shoes were black, keeping those simple. You did your own hair, keeping your curls but less volume and did a simple smokey eye with a brown lip. 

You waited with the other wives, quietly talking amongst them and taking in how beautiful they all were. Jin’s wife was last to get ready, being the diva that you thought she was but once you all were ready, you waited for the boys. Looking over your fresh manicure that you were not used to having, you played with the rings on your fingers while the boys walked out, all dressed in their own style of suits but they matched the dresses overall. Namjoon stared at you, his eyes looking over your body and you glared at him before getting into the vehicle that was to escort all of you to the red carpet.

The amount of cameras and people that were on the red carpet was overwhelming. You weren’t ready at all but Namjoon, kept you next to him, holding your hand while you all walked and waited to take pictures. The screams were insane, your body tensed up every now and then but you kept a small smile on your face while posing and taking pictures. While the boys spoke, you and the other wives took a few photos together, it was weird that people knew your names and asked you to turn and take photos for them. 

Each couple had their interview, which thankfully you didn’t have to speak much and Namjoon did almost all of the talking. He led you inside, his hand on your lower back and waved at a few people. Once inside, you walked to your seats. “Are you okay?” Namjoon asked and you nodded, confused as to why until you heard the fans from afar, some cheering and others yelling bad things at you and the other wives. Scrunching your eyebrows, you held Namjoon’s hand and squeezed it while staring at the stage as they got things together. 

At one point during the show, the boys got up, more than once to accept awards and then to perform. You sat next to Jimin’s wife who was on your right, dancing in your seats to most of the songs and grinning when the boys performed. The whole night was something you never thought you would have the luxury of being in. The idols were nice, at least most of them, some of them didn’t take the time to say hi but it didn’t bother you. You knew why but you didn’t let it ruin your night.

The boys were phenomenal, winning so many awards that even they were shocked. Although it was long, it finally ended and you were able to go home. As Namjoon walked over to you, sweat on his face, you grabbed a napkin and patted it away for him, fixed his collar and jumped when you heard someone behind you call his name. Jackson Wang, of Got7. He jogged over to you two and briefly spoke to Namjoon, asking him to come to the after party. 

Within the two weeks that you moved back into the main bedroom, worked out your schedules and your daughter got over her cold, things were looking better. The fandom was still shaken up, but on your end, this was what you wanted for your daughter, a great life and even greater parents. 

You nodded to Namjoon, seeing as he was looking at you for confirmation for the after party. Of course, you would be going with him since Jackson insisted. 

The after party was a different atmosphere, more relaxed than the award show. There were drinks, actual food and music playing. The building in which it was being held was beautifully decorated, red carpeting and a chandelier in the middle of the room. The first thing you did was grab a glass of wine and took a sip while Namjoon introduced you to a few people. Jackson made his way back over. “You made it and you brought your beautiful wife.” He cheered and finished his glass of whatever he was drinking and held out his hand to you. He kissed the back of your hand and you full on smiled, giggling. “Wow, Namjoon-ah, you really outdid it. She’s so beautiful. Your dress is amazing.” He commented towards you and you thanked him as he spun you around.

From the corner of your eye, you can see Namjoon’s jaw tighten visibly and he pulled you back to his side and stared down at you. Jackson was still holding onto your hand, looking over your rings and showering you in compliments, your face was burning from it all and Namjoon took your now empty glass from you and went to get you another one.

“So how does it feel to be Mrs. Kim Namjoon, huh? Where did you two meet and how come I didn’t see you first?” He joked and you laughed, explaining that you met in California a little over a year ago. You let go of his hand as he talked about his music and the trips he had lined up, you noticed Namjoon standing by the bar, watching you, carefully and you hugged Jackson goodbye, his hands rubbing your back before letting go.

Once you were in front of Namjoon, he leaned down to your ear. “We’re leaving now.” He ordered and grabbed your hand, pulling you with him out of the building and towards the car that was waiting for you. He sent a quick text and the other members came piling into the car with you and you all drove off.

You didn’t know what caused this sudden change in character for him but something told you he was angry about whatever it was. Maybe Jackson being too friendly or maybe he just wasn’t feeling well. Whatever it was, you were gonna ask him once you two got home anyways.

[chonkychornes]

Open Arms Part 7 (The End)

Synopsis: You come back broken from a mission, and the one person who could barely put himself back together is the one who is trying to help you.

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: No more warnings, other than this is The End. 7 of 7 parts. Thank you all for your love and support! This was my first reader insert fic and I really enjoyed myself! Please like and reblog! 

Also, this is really for @quant-um-fizzx​ I couldn’t have/wouldn’t have done any of this without her help and guidance.  

@broco8​

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Bucky POV

Things are pretty great lately and I know it’s all due to my girl who is currently stringing popcorn to decorate the giant fir tree that I set up in the common room. 

The holiday season has arrived and everyone at the compound is buzzing about with excitement. It seems like decorations are everywhere, but when it came to the common room, you wanted it to be a group affair. 

Wanda, Vision, and Bruce have been busy baking and decorating sugar cookies. Wanda has a steady hand, so she’s holding her own alongside Bruce using frosting and sprinkles to create miniature works of art. 

Vis, on the other hand, is too obsessed with perfection so his cookies look like they came off an automated assembly line; which I guess they have. Although, I’d never say that to him. 

Pepper is looking through Tony’s collection of vinyl records as he programs Dummy to roam around the room and dangle mistletoe over everyone heads at random intervals. Frank Sinatra starts to sing about roasting chestnuts and Tony sweeps Pepper up into a dance around the room as they smile and murmur softly to each other. 

Steve and Natasha are wrapped up next to the fireplace, getting some last-minute wrapping in along with a few not so secretive touches. Natasha laughs so easily now and my friend doesn’t seem like he has the weight of the entire world on his shoulders. They were like the two puzzle pieces that you lost under the couch and once you finally put them together, the whole picture came together and made sense. 

Sam, every the chipper and annoying guy that he is, struts over with Morgan on his shoulders and grins at me. 

“Merry Christmas, Barnes,” he elbows me and when I look up Morgan scrambles down off of the bird brain and into my arms. 

“Hiya Bucky.” She smacks a kiss onto my cheek and giggles when I tickle her side. 

“Have you been good this year?”  I continue tickling her as she giggles and squirms. “I’m sorry, I can’t understand what you’re saying.” She gives another squeal and works her way to my left arm and starts to swing off of it. 

“She’s the worst out of all of you,” Tony says as he and Pepper make their way around again. 

I pass off their offspring and smile to Pepper, “How does it feel to be a mother of two?”

“Well, if I have to claim these two, then I have to claim all of you,” she steps away from her tiny family and links her arm with mine. “Everyone is with someone, except for you and your girl. Why is that?”

I smile softly and look over to where you are, sitting cross-legged under the tree; you’re wearing the ugliest sweater known to man in bright fuschia with neon orange reindeer, tinsel, and little 3D gifts glued to it. Those long lean legs of yours are encased in some royal blue snowflake leggings and fluffy white socks on your feet. 

“Sometimes I like looking at her,” I laugh when Pepper gives just the slightest side-eye. “Not in a creepy way, but in an ‘I can’t believe I got so lucky’ way.”

“Does she know?”

“Know what?” I turn to look at Pepp full on and she gives me a knowing smile. 

We both turn to look at you and it’s like you know we’re talking about you because your tongue is out of your mouth and you’re crossing your eyes at us. 

“I haven’t said it in so many words, but she knows.” 

Pepper pulls away from me and brushes some nonexistent hair out of my face, “Bucky, I’m sure I don’t need to tell you this, but women actually like to hear those words. If you’re not sure what to give her for Christmas, it could be that.” She pats my cheek and runs off after her daughter who has a cookie in each hand. 

I finally make my way over to you and crouch down, picking up a few pieces of popcorn and tossing them into my mouth. 

“Hey, sweets.” I lean down to press a kiss to your forehead as you give me the fakest stink eye. 

“Don’t you ‘hey’ me,” you mutter as you lean back to look up at me. “Those are not for eating, mister.” 

“Well, I’m hungry and the Sam said the turkey won’t be ready for like another two hours!” You laugh as I whine and pull you up to standing in front of me. “You know, this would be a perfect time for Dummy to roll by with that mistletoe.”

You rise up on your toes and press your lips to mine and I wrap my arms around your waist. I could linger in your kiss forever, but there are too many eyes here, and they’ve already seen too much from us in the last few months. 

“C���mon, let’s go get a snack,” I suggest and drag you across the room and into the kitchen. 

You compliment the three cookie decorators and tell Vision that maybe he should just stop thinking while he’s shaking the sprinkles, but you notice that he continues to place them on one at a time. 

“You want some coffee, Buck?” You’re already moving to the cabinet to grab two mugs and I take the opportunity to set up the Keurig. 

I know you heard me open the holder, but when you set a mug under the drip I see you squint to get a good look at the display. 

“I thought you put a pod in for me,” you look over your shoulder as I lean back against the counter. 

“Oh, sorry sweets.” You roll your eyes and turn back to the machine, reach to the side to pick out your favorite flavor, and absentmindedly open the lid. When you go to drop the pod in, something catches your attention. 

“B … Bucky?” Your voice is shaking as you pull the ring out and hold it up in front of you. 

I have to grab you gently by the shoulders and turn you around so you’re looking at me. Your eyes, wide as saucers and already swimming with unshed tears lock onto mine. 

“Maybe it hasn’t bee long enough or maybe it’s taken too long,” the tears begin to fall and I brush them away with the pads of my thumbs. “Maybe you’re too modern and I’m too old fashioned; you can keep your last name by the way.”

You start laughing and in your mirth, you almost drop the ring. I grab your hands within my own and I find that we’re both shaking. 

“I love you. I think I started to love you the first moment you sat with me underneath that old oak tree. When you declared your independence and moved out on your own, I fell deeper. When you cried on my shoulder, and finally left the grounds. Every single day that we’ve spent together … these have been the happiest days of my life.” 

I can tell that the room has gone quiet and everyone is either watching or has scrammed. My heart is hammering in my chest and I know at least my right hand is sweating. 

Apart from your light crying and laughter, you’ve been incredibly silent this entire time. 

“All those times you thought you knew, all the time we’ve been together and you’re telling me you love me while you propose?” You wave the ring in my face and for one hot second, I worry that I have completely screwed this up. 

I’m just “James, Please, sweets, I love you, Barnes” and when I shrug sheepishly you shake your head and throw your arms around my neck. 

“I love you too.” your voice is muffled against my cheek and I exhale contentedly as you draw back to look at me. “Put it on my finger, you goon.”

I take the ring from you and drop down to one knee. 

“Marry me?” 

You nod vigorously and when I slide the ring onto your finger the room bursts into applause. I jump up and we see everyone standing around the island in the open kitchen smiling and cheering for us. 

Later that night, after everyone else has gone back to their own home or quarters, we remain in the common room curled up in front of the bay window watching the snow fall outside.

“Bucky?”

“Yeah, sweets?” I look down at you, and you’re splayed across my lap. 

“I have a few conditions for this marriage,” you pull yourself up and straddle my thighs and link your hands behind my neck. 

“Conditions?” I grab your ass to readjust you and smirk, “What kind of conditions?”

You lean down and nip my lips and I can smell the sweet spices from the apple pie we ate after dinner. 

“You have to make breakfast more often,” you say and give a little wiggle when I laugh. 

“Well, then you better be making me cupcakes all the time.” I’m laughing as I nuzzle into your neck and sweep my tongue across that spot under your ear that I know you love.  You sigh and shift across me again and I can feel how hot your center is through your leggings. 

“Fine, you dork.” You slide off of my lap and grab my hands to pull me up and lead me out of the room. “Here’s the deal though … I’m ready to go back out.”

We come to a halt in front of the elevators and I tug on your hand so you’ll look at me. I was not expecting this. I love you so much, but I worry about you constantly; thinking about you back in the field is the scariest thing to me, but I’m so happy to hear you declare your intentions. 

“Sweets, all you had to do was say something,” I grin and press you up against the wall. “I can’t wait to see you in your catsuit.” 

“Take me upstairs and you can.” 

[flyingfluffywolf]

I decided to post half of my work-in-progress for Mico day! I’ve barely even scratched the surface of this fic, and you’ll see that as it updates!  Anyway, thank you to @mushroomminded​ for inspiring me to create this :3 

Chapters: 1/?

Fandom: MiCoVerse (Webcomic) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Major Character Death Series: Part 5 of MiCoVerse Short Stories Summary: 

Aaron is a shitty brother to Jake, and their relationship continues to deteriorate to extremes. 

The first chapter is under the cut if you would rather read it here! 

    Jacob Pierly is fifteen, rather short for his age, his natural blonde hair dyed black, dark brown eyes that match his mother’s, along with his round face. The boy is around the age of thirteen, obsessed with music in an attempt to drown out his home life. He loved- and that is both a very loose and yet a very strict descriptor- his only supportive friend at the time, Dan. Or at least, he had. 

    “Jake, I swear to God, if you touch my shit one more time, I’m going to fucking drown you.” Aaron sneers, shoving his older brother into the wall.

    Aaron, despite being around three years younger than his sibling, is already much taller than Jake. He looks nothing like his mother and nothing like his brother. This is what made him favored in this family, and what makes him so powerful against Jake, who is hated for looking exactly like her, with the exception of his blonde hair. This and much more has led to this particular power dynamic, forcing Jake to be the one who cowers under Aaron.

   Jake manages to keep his cries quiet as he’s held against the wall by his shirt, being punched in the face. What a way to wake up.     “Aaron, I didn’t touch anything-”     Jake is interrupted by a fist colliding with his jaw, making him wince.     “Don’t fucking lie to me, you little shit.” Aaron only growls, spitting at him before letting the thin boy drop to the ground. “I know you looked through my bag, you took my pencil bag out of it.”     “Aaron, I haven’t touched-”     “Stop lying to me!” He gives the smaller boy a kick to whatever is closest, making him let out a pathetic whimper of pain.     “I’m telling mom that you stole my stuff and then you’ll be sorry.”     “Aaron, please, wait, no, don’t- don’t tell mom.” Jake wheezes out, holding a hand up towards his younger brother pleadingly. “Please, I- I’m sorry just don’t tell mom.”     A few tears fall down his already bruising face, dripping down onto the floor, it not being the first time his tears have managed to land there.

    After a few incredibly short seconds (that happen to be spent with Aaron glaring down at Jake while he breathes deeply in an attempt to regain both his sight and, well, breath) the taller boy scoffs down at him and turns, walking out of the two’s shared bedroom.     Jake’s hand, which had stayed in the air in front of him, finally fell to the floor in defeat, the rest of his body following. He presses his forehead to the ground and lets himself finally cry, even if it is but for a moment, and quite softly. He turns over, curling up on himself, his legs pulled up to his chest and his forehead against his knees.

    He finally gets up after what to him feels like hours, but in reality was only barely five minutes. Jacob hoists himself to his feet with shaking limbs, having to hold himself against his wall, using it to help him limp over to his bed, collapsing onto it. He lies on his back, grabbing his Walkman and holding it close to play some music, putting on his headphones, letting himself drift off into another realm, imagining a better life than the one he currently lives, one without Donna, without Aaron. His breathing calms down rather quickly, and he finally relaxes, pressing his Walkman against his chest as he curls up on his side.

    Jake spent the rest of his day lying in bed, listening to music, writing lyrics to what will hopefully turn into a future Problem Sons song. He scribbled ideas onto the paper in front of him, writing out some words, scratching some out, trying to figure out what he wants. After a few hours of brainstorming, it was finally time for dinner, so he hides his walkman somewhere he hopes Aaron won’t find (so he doesn’t break it in repayment for something Jake never did) and begins to walk to the dining room, staying quiet. He hopes Donna is still willing to give him food, considering everything that had gone down this morning, in addition to the fact that he didn’t go for lunch.     He sat down at the table with his food, thankfully able to get a meal, but he made sure to stay as quiet as ever. Jake keeps his head down, avoiding eye contact with his mother, and more importantly, Aaron. He picked at his food mindlessly, wondering just what Aaron told Donna, so sure that she’s going to yell and scream at him, or at least punish him. He thinks about what had actually happened to Aaron’s stuff, whether it was actually moved, or whether Aaron misplaced it and immediately went after Jake. That must be why Donna isn’t upset with him, perhaps Aaron actually found whatever he was missing (Jake can’t remember what it was, he was far too groggy and far too scared to retain that information at the time) and didn’t tell Donna because that was his own fault. Hopefully.

    After he shook himself from his thoughts, he finished eating what he could. Jake quickly excuses himself, standing up and tucking his chair in. He goes over to the sink, washing his dishes and leaving them in the sink. Once he’s in his room, he takes his walkman from its hiding place, honestly glad Aaron hadn’t found it, or rather that he didn’t destroy it. Jake sat himself on his bed, putting his headphones on and lying down, thinking about how perhaps Aaron didn’t even seek out his walkman because Aaron had realized he had misplaced his own stuff. Maybe Aaron really had misplaced what he had said what was missing, and that is why nothing else had happened because of it. He is soothed by this thought, overtaken by sleep uncharacteristically fast.

[lovebanqtan]

Min Yoongi As a Boyfriend

a/n= .angst warning a lot of fluff, NSFW

-He cares for you so much. But refuses to show it around the guys, and gets so flustered when little outbursts

-like maybe you fell asleep on his chest/lap (happens literally every week) and Hobi will point it out and cue the whole group aweing over you as he’s trying to keep them quiet so you can sleep. As he knows how hard you work, as does he.

-He is forgetful of how much he works, and when he comes home to a pissed off you on the point of tears.

-“Babygirl?” He asks. He drops off his laptop case on the counter and tries to stumble his way in the dark. He then hears it. Your quiet sobs coming from your bedroom.

-He’d try his best to comfort you. But he knew the reason you were crying was A) it was 4 am and you haven’t slept because he’s an asshole. B) you cooked him dinner but ended up inviting the guys over for it, as you had explained to him

-that night he had never felt like such a dick, and he promised to spend more time with you, instead of in the studio. 

-and he did. 

- did I mention how loving this boy is?

- Days that he has off, he spends it in bed with you at least till noon, wrapped around each other.

- If he is on tour he makes the local flower shop send you a different type of flower every day, with “I love you so very much.” In whatever country he is in language. 

- If you're having trouble with something, let's say you need to write a paper for work or college, and it's stressing you out? He got you. He will legit not mind if you eat your stress away in chocolates, he’ll even provide them. Or if you just need him to proofread it, he’ll give constructive criticism. 

“Babe, your tone sounds like your talking to an elementary schooler, and not a bunch of college kids. Maybe change it?” 

-When he is on tour, he’d make you a Spotify playlist of all the songs that remind him of you. And during facetime, he’d make you guess which one was his favorite and if you guessed correctly, he would sing it for you. Which most the time led to you crying.

-If you went out with your best friend, which he hated, but he not possessive like that, he would send a driver to wait for you and would have water and Tylenol for when you got home. Your favorite pajamas ready.

-You both had ups and downs. Sickness and in health right?

- When you were sick, oh my god was he freaking out. Especially when it was bad. Like the one time, you had pneumonia and was in the hospital, Namjoon was basically ordering him to go home and take a shower. He did, but he couldn’t get that image out of his head. The tube down your throat pumping the liquid out of your lungs and also forcing you to breathe. It had him fucked up. 

-The next day when you woke up choking on the tube, and when basically the doctors had to quickly remove it because you were choking on it so bad. Yoongi was teary-eyed and standing there breathing hard. 

- “You just get here or something?” Your voice gravely, you managed to choke out.

- He started to laugh so hard, he had to sit down. While you didn’t think it was funny because you couldn’t talk for the next week.

-You're barely depressed anymore, but god when it does come around. It comes around. And Yoongi knows. You won’t leave the bed for days except to work, and you won’t eat. He starts to get frustrated. Finally, he gives in.  He drags you to his studio, and your complaining all the way.

-“Yoongi, I really don’t need to go. I’m really tired also, why even bring me.”

-“You're a brick if you think I haven’t caught on. So I’m trying to cheer you up.”

- He flashes that famous gummy smile at you and you feel a little better. He didn’t succeed first try, you must admit. What really made you feel better, was cuddling on his couch in the dark as the soft piano playing in the background. And you felt safe. Safe from the demons inside your head, because your boyfriend's arms were wrapped tightly around you, as you had sobbed into his chest and told him everything that was going through your mind. 

-“Yoongi, I don’t even, I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s so bad. I just- I just want it to stop. Please make them stop.” You cried into his chest.

-“It's okay.” He shushed kissing your head. Rubbing circles on your back. “It's okay, I’ll make them go away. I’ll roast them and they’ll be too afraid to come back.” 

-“Yeah?” You asked.

-“Hey, demons!” He yelled turning his head away to face the ceiling so he wouldn’t hurt your ears. “What gives you the right to hurt my girl? If anything it should be my right to hurt you for hurting my girl! But your too much of a coward and hide inside of her pretty head!” 

-You laugh look at him. Smiling that gummy smile again. 

-“Finally. Mission accomplished.” 

-You spent the rest of the night like that, until like 9pm. When you got so hungry you were shaking and he ordered take in.

-Big question.

-How is he in bed?

-No question Yoongi is a dom. 5/7 will be kinky shit, but if you're stressed or something, he will literally just eat you out until your begging him and pushing him away. 

-“Want me to stop use your safeword. My job is to make sure my baby is not stressed out, however, if she doesn’t stop moving I’ll tie her down and continue my business.” He says as he pumps a finger in you and your legs twitch.

-Hella into cockwarming. In the studio, he’ll just have you sit on his lap while he’s inside you. And God forgives you if you fuck him trying to get yourself off.  

-“You want to get yourself off? huh? Tell me now, are you getting off?” He would ask as he held a vibrator on high against your clit and fucked hard into you. You screaming out his name. 

-He has a rule that if you don’t let him know when you cum, he’ll make you cum two times and you better let him know each time or that another 4

-If you hadn’t realized it, he loves overstimulating you and seeing the fucked out look on your face when you guys are done.

- he loves the next day when you're limping around and all the members look at him weirdly. or when one of the maknaes (specifically Tae) spot one of your hickeys because your shorts were too high, and Tae nearly dies on the spot because of how littered your thighs are. 

-he loves it when you beg. he will eat you out for hours, and look at you clenching around nothing, and finally, you will give in and beg. 

“Yoongi, please. please please I can’t take it anymore. Please fuck me.”

- when the deed is done he will cuddle you whispering how good you did into your hair. He’ll finally get up and go turn on the shower for both of you.

- But it took a while to get to this point don’t get me wrong.

- You had known him for a long time. You weren’t instantly like this. You had told him you loved him so many times, and he started to cry because he said, “I don’t want to get hurt.”

-Finally one night, he decided. You weren’t doing anything special, just playing Mario cart with Jungkook and Tae, and suddenly Yoongi walks up behind you and wraps his arms around your shoulders. 

-”Are you okay?” You ask him after asking Tae and Jungkook for a second. They hopped on their phones, nodding after pausing their screens.

- “I need to tell you something.” He smiles that famous gummy smile known to Armys internationally. 

-”What's up?” You ask worriedly. 

-He pulls you in and you swear you’ve never been happier at these words. 

-”I love you. I love you so much. And I know you won’t hurt me because you love me too, and I could hurt you just as bad and I love you and  I can’t live without you. And I’ve been dying to say these words for so long. But I was so afraid. I’m not anymore. I’m going to make up for a lost time, I promise. “ He says so slow and sweet into your ear, and you swore you heard his voice crack as if he was crying.

-“Your right, I couldn’t hurt you because you know I can’t live without you either genius. I love you too much to even say your dumb.” You laugh a little. And look up and see Taehyung and Jungkook filming the two of you.

- “Brats! Get back here or I’ll tell Jin to beat you both with his spoon!”

- Everything and I means everything has been different since then. 

- Of course, that's not how he asked you out.

- 2 years ago,  it was right after their  BTS Memories of 2017. And the members were celebrating a successful night.  Being Yoongi’s best friend, you had been invited too.  

-Yoongi was more than focused that night. Because he had an objective. He had liked you for a while, and he knew you liked him. He could see it, that admiration look. 

-That admiration looks that fans have, that he first recognized in you, and compared to fans at fan meetings. Its how he tells if their fake or not.

-You have had it since he first started talking to you. And he wonders why. But now he realized he has the same look for you because Namjoon calls it “heart eyes”

-As he walks up to you, Jungkook notices him. 

-“Ah, Noona I’ll give you and Hyung some time.” And Jungkook walks to the other side of the Restaurant where the rest of his hyungs are.

-You turn around to face a stern-faced, blonde yoongi. But also looks like a kitten at the same time? Kitten licks on your- shut up brain. You turn slightly red before talking.

-“Yeah? Whats up?” You ask him.

-“I need to talk to you...” He says lowly, eyeing the 95 liners whispering about him. “alone preferably.”

-“Okay, whatever you want.” You smile sheepishly at him, lowkey kind of drunk already.

-He grabs your wrist gently and drags you outside. 

-”y/n remember when you told me you liked me?” he says looking straight into your eyes.

-”Yeah. and you never gave me an answer.”

-” I’m giving you one now. I like you a lot. And I’d be really happy if you were to date me..”

Your eyes tear up and you look down. 

“Why are you crying?” He asks grabbing your face and pressing your foreheads together. Not caring the members are practically pressed against the windows trying to watch.

“I feel like, I’ve been waiting so long. And it been so cold. And I’m finally warm haha. That's the only way I can explain it. I’m just so happy. Yes, of course, I’d date you stupid.” You stutter out.

The beginning of your life with Yoongi started here.

[siriuslycollins-blog]

Parenting 101 For Rockstar Dads

CH. 3- The One Where Everything Is Not Okay Pt 1

Warnings: medical malpractice, child birth, loss of blood, and death

Nessa’s pregnancy wore on throughout the fall and into the winter and spring. Jared and Nessa were having a girl and they had settled on the name Kaela, Kaela Dominique Leto; a lot had changed from the time of the pregnancy announcement such as Jared and Nessa turning the second bedroom of their apartment they used for storage into a nursery, Jared’s older brother Shannon crashing on their couch and Nessa being officially on maternity leave from school and work. She hated it, and with Jared and Shannon at work, she was absolutely bored. With summer in full swing, it was way too hot to do anything, and Nessa had very little energy. Her days consisted (sometimes) making breakfast for herself, Jared and Shannon, watching soap operas as she painted or knitted, fetching the mail, and concluding the day with a treat from the ice cream truck.

Jackie would come by after work or practice to keep her company until the guys came home. One Monday evening, she had stopped by after dance practice while Jared and Shannon were out at the laundromat. “Oh Nessa, I swear on everything I love, I’ll beat the fuck out of Lisa Russell! She gettin’ on my last damn nerve,” Jackie vented. When Nessa announced her pregnancy to the SUSLA dance team, her backup, Lisa had taken her place. It should’ve been a surprise that Lisa had even made the team in the first place, seeing as she couldn’t dance for shit, but she had rich parents, so it wasn’t really.

“The other girls are threatening to quit the team until you come back.” Nessa listened as her best friend cursed Lisa to the high heaven, never once losing steam until Shannon walked in carrying his laundry basket. The two of them were definitely checking each other out, until Jared bumped into him. “Dude, you gotta move. These mosquitos are eating me alive.” Ever since Shannon moved in, Jackie always hung around longer than necessary, and they were getting especially close.

Nessa liked the idea of Kaela’s godmother and uncle growing closer, but Jackie has a boyfriend who is absolutely wonderful, and for that reason, she only hoped that they were only getting to know each other because of the baby. Shannon plopped down in between them and threw an arm around Jackie’s side of the couch. “That’s cool, it’s not like I’m carrying your niece or anything.” They completely ignored her as they launched into their conversation; no matter how many times Jared and Nessa tried to include themselves in the conversation, Shannon and Jackie always managed to drift back to their own world. Jackie ended up staying for dinner, and the only time she and Shannon stopped talking was when either of them took a bite of their pizza.

“So Jackie, how’s Will doin’?” Nessa asked; she briefly wondered if her friend forgot that she even had a boyfriend. “Oh! Uh... he’s okay. Just really busy with summer practices so I haven’t been seeing him much lately.” Nessa saw the disappointed look on Shannon’s face but he still asked, “who’s Will?” “Just a guy she’s been seeing for a while.” He didn’t say anything after that, and the rest of dinner was quiet and a bit awkward. 

Jackie let at almost eight o’clock, saying she had to get up early, which was a lie, and even after she left Shannon was still quiet. “Shan, are you okay?” Jared asked his brother carefully. “What? Yeah, I’ll be fine, I’m just tired. I just want to go to bed. Had a long day.” Nessa and Jared went in the back to their bedroom and got ready for bed. “See Jared! I told you he has a thing for her! And she definitely likes him too!”

“Nessa baby, we’ve been through this. Shan and Jackie are going to be Kaela’s godparents. Of course they’re getting close.” Nessa only rolled her eyes as she put her hair up and put on her bonnet. “You saw how upset he was when I brought up Will.” She wasn’t even sure if Jackie even liked Will the way he liked her as she always seemed annoyed by him. “Let’s just go to sleep. You have your last doctor’s appointment before Kaela comes, first thing in the morning.”

Nessa still couldn’t believe that she was going to be a mom, that she was going to bring a child into the world with the love of her life; absolutely mind boggling. Everything was ready for her, the crib assembled and filled with stuffed animals and other things she might need, and a closet filled with pink outfits. She went into labor on July 13th, at 5:30 am which threw Jared and Shannon into a frenzy. They were both running around like chickens with their heads cut off as they made last minute plans; Shannon grabbing the hospital bag and putting in more things that might be needed and starting the car while Jared called everyone he knew. Turns out that Kaela was a very impatient baby, and by the time they made it to the hospital, Nessa was just about ready to push.

Finally, at 7:30 a.m. Kaela Dominique Leto made her grand entrance, weighing in at four pounds even. She had brown skin, a head of dark curls and the biggest brown eyes Jared had ever seen, and for the second time in his life, he fell in love. The placenta was delivered soon after, and that’s when everything went to hell. Nessa’s regular doctor was out of town due to a family emergency, so her replacement was a balding white man in fifties who brushed off Nessa’s concerns about bleeding after delivering the placenta. “Don’t worry Miss Arceneaux, the bleeding will stop soon.” The doctor had the nurses put some gauze to stop the blood flow but Nessa was losing her color and energy, fast. Jared was getting pissed; clearly there was something wrong with his girlfriend. Why wasn’t the doctor taking this seriously?

“Dr. Archibald, there is something wrong with her! Do something!” By this time Constance and Jackie had made it to the room, only to see Shannon holding Jared back as he was yelling at the doctor with Nessa running a finger over Kaela’s soft cheek; neither women had ever seen Nessa look like this. Of course it was normal to not look your best after giving birth, but it looked like someone had dimmed the lights from within. Nessa gave them a weak smile and they slowly walked over to her. Shannon had escorted Jared and Dr. Archibald into the hall, closing the door so the women wouldn’t have to hear it.

“Nessa, she’s absolutely beautiful,” Constance whispered. She couldn’t believe that she was a grandmother, but here she was, holding her new granddaughter Kaela. Surely this had to be a dream; she and Jackie took turns holding the baby, and it was a while before Shannon and Jared came back. They had plastic bags of food and they sat them down on the rolling table. “Nessa baby, you need to eat something, get your strength back up,” Jared told her.

Eating seemed to do something good for her, and her blood pressure seemed to return to normal after drinking a few ounces of orange juice. Nessa’s family came later in the day to fawn over the baby while Jared went to see about a birth certificate; when he came back, his eyes were red, he looked tired and a piece of paper in his hand. Jared looked over and saw his daughter in one of those makeshift cribs, sleeping peacefully. “Jay, why are you crying? Everything is fine. I’m okay,” Nessa assured him. He wiped the remaining tears away with the back of his hand and began kissing her face. 

“I thought I almost lost you Nessa. It was horrible.” Jared was shaken to his core, and the thought of losing the love of his life scared the shit out of him; he wanted to live out the rest of his life with her. Which reminded him... he still had the ring in his pocket, a ring he’s had for months. Of course the two had never talked about marriage, Jared had been too chicken to bring it up, but now that their daughter was here, now was a perfect time. “You’re not gonna lose me Jay.”

Jared felt like crying again, but his eyes were sore and he didn’t know if he could produce more tears; he felt like he’d done enough crying to last him twenty years. “Nessa, it was bad, and that doctor, I wanted to fucking punch him.” He could feel his throat close up again, and he focused on Shannon holding Kaela, with Jackie begging for a turn again. “It’s my turn Shannon. You’ve had her for ten minutes already.” Constance, Jared and Nessa had to step in to get the two to stop bickering.

“Come on you two, knock it off! She’s only three hours old and these are not the first sounds she should be hearing!” Constance’s tone was enough to make Shannon be quiet after Jackie called him a name. “Shan, Jackie’s right, you’ve had your turn. Give the baby to her.” He settled his niece in Jackie’s arms who had the biggest smile on her face. A few hours later, everyone had to go back to work, except for Jared who had some time off, so now he and Nessa finally had time to themselves to admire their daughter alone. 

The new parents couldn’t believe that their baby was real, they were actually looking at her, and yet it still felt like they could wake up at any moment. Kaela was, without a doubt the most perfect baby in the world; as Jared watched over his sleeping daughter, he felt a flash of anger. Here he is, holding this miracle he helped create, the thought of leaving her behind too painful to even fathom, and yet Tony Bryant had no problem leaving his two boys behind. He looked over at Nessa, who was staring at him holding Kaela. She looked tired, tired but happy, and Jared knew that now was the perfect time to ask her to spend the res of her life with him.

“Nessa, I love you so much, I don’t know what I did to deserve you, but I won’t question it.” He sat Kaela back down in her cradle thing so he could get the ring from his pocket, and when Nessa realized what he was doing, she gasped. “Jared, are you doing what I think you’re doing?” Jared didn’t answer her, instead getting down on one knee at the side of her bed. “Vanessa Dominique Arceneaux, will you marry me?” 

Nessa had a smile on her face, the kind of smile that reached the eyes. “Of course I’ll marry you! I love you so much!” Jared slipped the ring on her finger, and they kissed as Kaela made some noises in her cradle. “Yes, pretty girl, your momma and daddy are getting married,” Jared cooed at the newborn. Jared didn’t expect that their celebration would abruptly end.

Nessa died two days later in her sleep sometime in the early morning. Jared was awoken by the heart monitor flatlining, thinking it was his alarm clock back home before he remembered where he was. It was dark in the room, the curtains drawn and the only light in the room was the monitor and the little sliver of golden light under the door coming from hall. Jared leaped from the couch and into the hallway. “Nurse, nurse! I need a nurse!” The monitor had to be wrong, she was only sleeping...

Doctors and nurses began to rush into the room and Jared was quickly jostled about as they tried to get to her; it took two security guards and a male nurse to calm him down, to assure him that they were doing everything they could to revive her. He was dragged into the waiting area kicking and screaming and crying. He tried to take his mind off what was happening by pacing the floor, listening to the early morning news, but none of that was helping. It was another fifteen minutes before a nurse came into the waiting area to tell him the news, but she didn’t need to, he could see it on her face.

“I’m so sorry Mr. Leto. We tried everything we could. There was one time where we tried the paddles and it worked, but only for a second.” Jared could feel the hot tears streaming down his face and he dropped back into a chair, bending over and grabbing his head, then rocking back and forth. He knew that he should go back in and say goodbye to Nessa but he couldn’t, it would be too real, but his feet moved on their own accord. There she was, his new fiancée lying on her back, eyes closed as if she was sleeping peacefully. Jared grabbed the hand he put the ring on, squeezing it and he just cried.

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