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isolatedbubble · 3 years ago

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Romance in MXTX, Priest, and SHL

MXTX: Flower, Wine and Dreamworld

The romance in MXTX's works is like flower that grows in ice and snow; colorful, bright and hopelessly romantic, blossoms in misery and hardships.

It features a distinct "us against the world" mindset, depicting love as the only constant in the world. It's an eternal "dreamworld" detached from worldly matters, the perfect escapism as well as a source of strengths in the face of cruel reality.

Both MDZS and TGCF are a critique of mob mentality.

The contrast between CQL and MDZS is very interesting. While the former ends with LWJ taking charge, and therefore changing the world for the better, the novel ends with wangxian isolating themselves from grand politics and focusing more on helping individuals as recluse. It has an essentially pessimistic attitude towards the morality & intelligence of the collective.

TGCF takes a slightly more optimistic approach, featuring the crowd being courageous under the right circumstances. However, both works share a similar undertone: putting one’s absolute faith in the collective is dangerous, whereas unconditional trust and devotion can be only found in one-to-one connection

MXTX herself compares MDZS and TGCF to 花间一壶酒 (A cup of wine among flowers), MDZS being the wine and TGCF being flower. She also compares MDZS to 风雪夜归人, the person returning home from snow and wind, and TGCF to 红泥小火炉, a small red furnace.

Priest: Breezing Wind and Burning Iron

The romance in priest's works is more complicated. It's the most gentle in its normal state, when it is rational and collected, in which case it's like the breezing wind, soothing, sweet and light-hearted. It gives the individuals more incentive to achieve their individual and/or societal vision, as well as more reason to value their own lives & well-being.

In Faraway Wanderers, the most distinct feature of WenZhou relationship is how in naturally sync they are, and how comfortable & smooth their dynamic is. They both have past burden, but it doesn’t matter, because they bring simple joy, understanding and happiness in each other’s lives.

In Sha Po Lang and The Guardian, the ML’s lingering love for the MC motivates them to become better version of themselves, to care about others, and to form a holistic vision about bettering society.

In The Defective, Lin Jingheng(MC) explicitly said that Lu Bixing(ML) is the only meaning in his life. He had little incentive to care about his own life after his revenge plan fell apart. LBX helped him reconnect with his inner idealism, and gave him a reason value his life.

When the passion and fiery energy manifests itself, however, the romance is like burning iron, blood and fire. It isn’t actually toxic or unhealthy, but it's not pure and innocent either; in this case, it strives for something deeper and more intense, never content with the past or the present. The sheer intensity of relationship is like a double-edged sword, walking the fine line between unconditional devotion and dangerous obsession.

SHL: Spring Water and Healing Open Wounds

The romance in SHL is like "spring water"; it's warm, gentle, nurturing. It breaks through the boundary between individuals to bring the couple closer to each other, taking them back to a utopia of their childhood dream, away from social pressure and responsibility. The theme central to their relationship is “salvation”: how love is able to bring people back to integrity.

Both drama wkx and drama zzs have lots of regret about their past sins and wrongdoings. Four Seasons Manor is essentially a metaphor for purity, acceptance and the safety of childhood home. How to make drama wkx open up and accept this safe harbor as his home is one of the most significant plot-lines of the show.

SHL couple is way more emotionally vulnerable and expressive. A significant part of SHL arc is healing the wounds in an open and honest way. They cuddle and confide in each other way more often, talk about their shameful past and even cry about their regrets in front of one another, which is very rare among MXTX/Priest works.

The heat of the relationship sometimes gets too hot and even burns; in other words, there are constant miscommunications, conflicts and misunderstandings in the relationship. However, they can never let each other go, because it's the only source of warmth left for them in their hopeless lives filled with regrets and guilt.

Similarities and Differences

*Note that this is not a SHL/TYK comparison. TYK is kind of an “unorthodox” priest novel; you will know what I mean if you have read 3+ of her works.

Relationship Dynamic & Narrative:

In MXTX’s works, the concept of “romance” itself is divined; and the characters are illustration of the ideal of “undying love”. People are made for one another, to complete one another. Her works use colorful symbolism (silver butterflies, the emperor’s smile, the 3 thousand lanterns, etc.) to depict this romanticized ideal of love.

For MXTX, the romanticization of “destined love” is one of the most recurring themes of her novels. Therefore, the readers look at their relationship through rose-color glasses. Obsession is usually framed in a jolly & romantic light, and doesn’t feature much tension or stress, and has less negative or unhealthy undertone.

In most of priest’s works and SHL, soulmates are not born but made, so they have to figure out how their relationship works step by step. Therefore the narrative is less of a “rosy picture”.

Priest has a habit of using derogatory terms to describe relationships that are mostly healthy, but somewhat “bloody” and edgy, full of excessive passion and obsession. The most common phrase is “爱生忧怖”, a Buddhist term meaning “love results in worry and fear”.

SHL obviously has to be more subtle in expressing love. That said, drama WenZhou are way more emotionally vulnerable and expressive than their novel counterparts, as well as most Priest & MXTX characters. They have a dramatic falling out once in a while, even towards the end. They barely fit the Chinese definition of Zhiji (to know me/to understand one another), but are “lovers” who are buried deep in their passion instead.

Past, Future and Evolvement:

In SHL, characters are encouraged to treasure past impressions that are thrown in figurative “wrappings”, whose luster is derived from age-old experiences (Psychological Types, Carl Jung). In other words, they are encouraged to root their love in a shared past, a Utopia of innocence.

The contrast between The Defective and Word of Honor is very interesting to observe. Both involve long separation, and the suffering and personality changes hat comes from it. SHL narrative frames their innocent childhood as something to cling to and return to. Drama WKX is encouraged to accept his identity as Four Seasons Manor disciple because it was part of his childhood past. This is a significant part of drama WenZhou relationship.

In The Defective, the narrative doesn't encourage the couple to dwell on the past that much. On the contrary, the all-knowing AI explicitly discouraged the MC from “comparing past to present”. They are advised to accept changes, however painful it might be, and build a better, more equal dynamic out of it, evolving from one-sided pandering to fighting side-by-side.

In Priest’s novels, the characters rarely return to something in the past, but look into the future. Change is usually framed as inherently beneficial, albeit usually painful and rocky, the implication being that you need to constantly strive for something better.

Sha Po Lang is a good example of this, with Gu Yun’s changing attitude towards Chang Geng after he as he matures, gradually showing his intelligence in politics. CG starts referring to GY as Zixi instead of YiFu is also a sign of this change---to see him as equal rather than a parental figure & protector.

The Defective is even more obvious in this regard, with both parties uncomfortable with the change initially, but gradually adjusting to the changes during their 16-year separation. The ML also stops calling MC by his surname “Lin”, as a sign of viewing him as equal.

In MXTX’s works, change in personality or relationship dynamic is neither framed as painful or good. It just happens. It’s a natural flow that take place when it does. Their relationships are rarely challenged by change. They are objectively at a better place compared to their past, but it’s merely the result of a series of events rather than a deliberate choice or struggle.

WangXian’s relationship naturally changes over time after WWX’s rebirth, but neither of them really struggles with the change.

Xie Lian doesn’t even recognize Hua Cheng as the someone from his past, so they start out as friends getting to know each other.

Salvation and Changing one another:

Priest herself stated in an interview that she doesn’t believe in the concept of salvation, since people have the inner capacity to be their own savior. Therefore, priest characters usually don’t actively try to change their partner’s morals or personality. Some might be willingly influenced by their partner, but there’s rarely an element of moral condemnation. Even when there is a conflict between different values, the options are 1) to reconcile them by choosing the middle ground 2) to maintain their independence and tackle it with nuance 3) to break up.

On surface level, Mo Du/Silent Reading is about Luo Wenzhou being Fei Du’s salvation. However, as LWZ pointed out himself, Fei Du would’ve been a good person at heart with or without his influence.

In The Defective, when Lu Bixing mistakenly thought Lin Jingheng stayed in the Eighth Galaxy against his own wishes because of their relationship, and that their priorities are irreconcilable, he even thought about breaking up. Of course he was not serious about it, but this showcased that he would never try to change LJH’s convictions.

In SHL, however, the concept of salvation is central to the theme. Some find it strange that SHL make drama zzs the more “moral” one of the two, despite his action being more objectively questionable. In fact, the only reason he get framed as more “moral” is that he admitted his fault sooner, and therefore could guide drama wkx’s path back to salvation: to recognize the goodness in people, make peace with external world, to clear his name in Jianghu, and to follow due process with his revenge plan to avoid collateral damages.

“I tried to change you, but you end up changing me”, said drama ZZS. This relationship dynamic is never present in any of priest’s works I’ve read. Priest characters don’t *try* to change one another.

Does MXTX believe in salvation? Hard to tell. One could argue that Hua Cheng would have be way more amoral and even immoral if it hadn’t been for XL. This is complicated and is a topic for another time.

However, it is certain that MXTX MCs don’t condemn each other morally. “The orthodox one defending their unorthodox partner in front of the world” is a common wuxia trope, but the way MXTX novels approach it is very different from SHL.

HuaLian never had a serious falling out about being on different sides. Even when they disagree, they respect each other and love each other exactly the way they are. Hua Cheng didn’t approve of Xie Lian saving Mu Qing, but he didn’t interfere with Xie Lian’s decision. Xie Lian feels responsible for helping Shi Qingxuan in Blackwater arc, but he is perfectly fine with HC helping He Xuan keep secrets. In several cases where they have different values, they are able to make it work with ease.

LWJ never *morally* condemned WWX for his action, and never once objected to WWX practicing demonic cultivation after his rebirth. In fact, LWJ never objected to WWX’s morals; in their previous life he was worried about his safety, and struggled with what to do about certain situations due to his family background, but difference in morality is not an issue for them.

The “righteous” one does not feel the need to guide their unorthodox partner or to be their salvation with regards to integrity.

*The similarity & differences part is a bit messy and some points are not fleshed-out. Sorry about that.

**I don’t claim to have the right interpretation. The lens by which we see different styles of romance is ultimately subjective.

#mdzs #tgcf #mxtx #tian ya ke #mdzs meta #word of honor #shl #sha po lang #mo du #can ci pin

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raewritesthingss · 4 years ago

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Belong to Me

Rating: Mature

Word count: 2269

Mando knew that he had fucked up. You were always so talkative and loud as you moved about the Crest. But not today. No. Today you were silent. There was little noise and it made him uneasy. Before you’d started working with him, he enjoyed the silence and in the first few weeks of having you aboard, he missed it. That wasn’t the case now. He’d grown used to your rambling and how you’d speak in a little baby voice to Grogu. He liked how you’d narrate whatever you were doing throughout the day, even when you were by yourself. The sound of your voice brought him comfort. A sense of normalcy for the first time in a long time. It seemed like there was little that could upset you. You went with the flow of life and found the bright side of it all. At least that’s what Mando thought.

It was like any other day. You loaded up your pack with snacks and a few small toys for the baby and headed out with Mando and the Child to see what quarries were available for him. The three of you made your way towards the Cantina where Karga was waiting, there were a few patrons waiting around that quickly moved out of the way the moment they noticed a Mandalorian coming their way. That was the nice thing about traveling with Mando, no one bothered you.

You made yourself comfortable, ordering a drink for yourself and some food for Grogu. You let Mando handle business on his own usually, it was never your scene. You enjoyed taking care of the Crest and the baby, but nothing that involved the violence of your boss’s work. You set the small, metal ball in front of the baby to play with while you both waited for his food to arrive. He was content with making it float in front of his face and gave you his signature toothy grin as he did. It made you happy to see him this way. No fear, just the happiness of an innocent child. A small bowl of bone broth and a drink was placed down in front of you. You carefully switched out the toy for the food and sipped on your drink as you watched the Child gulp down his food, dripping it onto his little clothes that you’d have to wash later. It didn’t matter, he was happy. When another glass was placed in front of you, you glanced up at the bartender.

“Oh? I didn’t order this one,” you muttered and slid it back. The bartender nodded towards a booth near the back where a man was sitting sipping on his own drink. The man smiled at you but there was no kindness behind it. It was the kind of smile a predator gives its prey before it attacks. You returned his smile with one of your own, though less enthusiastic.

“No, thank you. I’m fine with just this.” you responded kindly, raising your own drink. The bartender nodded and picked the glass up before making his way back to the front of the catina. Mando’s helmet turned towards you and watched you carefully but he said nothing. You could see his hand gripping the edge of the table harder than usual.

The child let out a small cough that brought you out of your thoughts and you turned to him to wipe the broth that was dribbling off his chin and onto his clothes. You smiled at him as he tried turning his face away from the cloth. Karga was late again as per usual. He never was one to care much for arriving on time, a fact that continuously pissed Mando off. Mando had one way of doing this: his way and Karga seemed to enjoy getting in the way of that constantly. You on the other hand didn’t mind. It wasn’t often that you were able to leave the Crest and sit down for a meal. It made your life feel a bit more normal, especially given what your job was. Running around the galaxy so your boss could chase down bounties while you watched his son that had tons of people wanting him dead wasn’t exactly the way you envisioned your life. This was nice though. It made you feel like the three of you were a family. Almost.

“He’s late.” Mando’s gruff voice spoke. You could tell he was on edge. You’d learned quickly how to tell what kind of mood he was in despite how seldom he said anything.

“I’m sure he’ll be here soon. Besides, look how happy he is,” you gestured towards the Child who was now playing with the small spoon that came with his meal. Mando let out a breath that could’ve been interpreted as a laugh. His posture relaxed slightly but only for a few moments before you saw him stiffen up, his gaze set behind you. You turned in your chair only to come face to face with the man who’d bought you the drink. His eyes stayed on you, completely ignoring the man covered head to toe in beskar that could easily snap his neck and be gone before anyone noticed.

“You rejected me”, the man said, an air of superiority laced in his voice. Great. A grade A asshole.

“Well, you see I already have one of my own. And while I appreciate the gesture, I’m not interested. “ Your voice was firm but still polite. You’d always prided yourself in remaining calm and collected, even in uncomfortable situations.

The man chuckled and leaned down, throwing an arm over the back of your chair. You could smell his breath and it reeked of alcohol and cheap death sticks, “Why? Cause of this guy? Darlin’ you can’t even see his face. Bet he doesn’t even have a dick under all that shit. He can’t give you what you need, a woman like you needs a real man with a nice, big co-”, he didn’t get the chance to finish his sentence before Mando had his hand wrapped around his throat and his back shoved into the nearest wall. You could hear the man gasping for air as Mando’s grip tightened. The Child giggled as he watched, thinking it was some sort of game.

“Mando!”, you shouted. His helmet whipped around to look at you, “Enough.”, you stood up quickly, throwing down more credits than necessary and picked up the baby before making your way out of the cantina. You didn’t bother to see if Mando was following you. You didn’t care at that point. You’d told Mando before to stop fighting your own battles for you. You grew up taking care of yourself, never having anyone to look after you. It wasn’t the first time a man had invaded your personal space and attempted to make you uncomfortable and it certainly wouldn’t be the last. You didn’t need saving.

By the time you made it back to the Crest, most of your anger had faded and turned into sadness. Did Mando not think you were capable of handling yourself? Did he think you were weak? You placed the baby in the crib and shut it, making sure he was asleep before sitting down on one of the crates. The sound of metal clanging against metal alerted you, letting you know that he was back. He walked up the ramp, stopping just inside to shut it before turning his body towards yours. You stared at each other for a few long moments until you got up and made your way up to the cockpit without a word to set the coordinates for the next stop. It wasn’t long before he came up behind you and sat in the pilot’s chair. Mando never started conversations, you were always the one to initiate things but today wasn’t going to be like that. You had nothing to say to him. The silence went on for two hours before he finally broke.

“You’re upset.” his voice faltered for a moment.

You snorted and crossed your arms and turned your chair towards him, “Well I guess nothing gets past you then, huh?”. His hands tightened around the controls and he let out a sigh.

“I was only trying to-”

“No”, you cut him off quickly, “You don’t think I can do anything myself. You think I’m some weak, little girl that needs your protection but I’m not. I’m not the kid Mando, I’m a grown woman.”

Within seconds he’d switched on the autopilot and had you yanked up from your chair and backed into the wall, much like the man from earlier. His hands rested on either side of your face while his face was only inches from yours.

“Trust me, I know you’re no little girl,” his voice was low and rough and heat shot straight through you at the sound of it. You wondered what it would sound like if he was saying other things.

“I didn’t need you to do that back in the cantina, I can handle myself,” your voice came out soft and weak, nowhere near the level of confidence you were trying to give off. His helmet tilted to the side as his left hand came up to rest up your cheek. He slowly rubbed his thumb across your face. The gentleness of it all shocked you. This was a man who had killed hundreds with the same hands he used to touch you so softly now. You sucked in a breath and let your eyes shut, not wanting this moment to end ever.

“I know you can. Doesn’t mean I’m ok with someone touching what belongs to me and you belong to me”

“I don’t belong to anyone”, you both knew you were lying.

He let out a laugh and moved his hands down to the waistband of your pants, “We’ll see”. You didn’t have time to respond before he’d yanked your pants down, bringing your underwear with them. Your hands moved up to his chest but he grabbed both your wrists in one hand and held them tightly while using his other to work on his belt. He tossed it to the side and then pulled his pants down just enough to let his cock out. You gasped when you finally saw it. He was bigger than any man you’d ever seen. It terrified you but you wanted it so bad. He let go of your wrists and moved your hand down to wrap around him, moving your hand up and down slowly. The groan he let out was sinful and you could feel yourself growing wetter by the second. His free hand moved between your legs and he pushed two thick fingers inside you. Your eyes rolled back instantly as you whimpered.

“You get this wet for someone you don’t belong to?” he asked, pumping his fingers in and out of you at an agonizingly slow pace. Your mouth opened to respond but nothing came out as he pressed his thumb against your clit, rubbing quick circles, “You don’t have anything to say? That’s a first.” his voice was somehow deeper, his breathing becoming more labored with each passing second.

He pulled his fingers out slowly, causing you to let out a whine. You moved your own hand down but he slapped it away and positioned himself at your entrance. His hand moved to your chin, tilting your head up to look at him. He said nothing but you knew he was asking for your permission. He had to know that you wanted this. That you needed this as much as he did. You nodded and almost missed the small sigh of relief he let out. The feeling of him pushing into you was indescribable. The stretch was both painful and full of pleasure. You don’t know how you’d gone this long without it.

“Fucking tight,” he grunted and pulled back again only to slam into you seconds later. The pace he set was brutal. You could barely keep up. Your entire brain went to mush in that moment. The noises coming out of you would have embarrassed you in any other situation if it weren’t for the fact that you couldn’t think straight enough to care. Or the fact that Mando was encouraging you. You couldn’t register much of what he said but you were able to catch a few small phrases.

“Good girl.”

“That’s it baby, just like that.”

“Sound so pretty”

“Mine.”

You could feel yourself getting close to your climax and you knew he was close to his. His thrusts were becoming sloppier. His helmet rested on your shoulder. His hand moved down to play with your clit and your legs began to shake. You were so close. His pace quickened, hitting you right where you needed it most and you felt your orgasm take over your whole body. Black spots danced around in your vision. You felt something warm seep inside of you and barely registered the sound of Mando moaning and grunting against you.

You lifted your head after what felt like hours to find that you’d put all of your weight on him. He held you up without any effort though.

“I am yours. But that means that you’re mine,” you said softly.

He reached a hand up to brush a stray piece of hair out of your face, “I’ve been yours from the moment you set foot on this ship sweet girl,” he whispered before pulling you into his chest and wrapped his arms around you tightly.

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kinatalks · 4 years ago

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Let’s talk about DiaLuci.

Look, this isn’t a judgement call. This is merely a flat out explanation and something that should be recognized. There will be a few S2-3 spoilers, but it’s mainly vague, not going into details.

Be aware: This covers sensitive topics regarding the ship, toxic behaviors, abusive relationships, and the angel event.

Firstly, if you support DiaLuci, good for you! I’m not here to shame someone for their ships. But this fandom has a habit of attacking others who aren’t so fond of this ship. Someone can like Diavolo, and not support Dialuci. You can support Lucifer, and not like Dialuci. Or hell, you could dislike either/or both characters and fucking love the ship! No matter which character or ship you like or dislike, you are completely valid.

But this is a post, about the issues with the ship that I personally see, and why it should be more outspoken.

Now lets get to the point of the subject, shall we?

I fairly like Diavolo. He’s charming, joyous, and someone who would be the star of a party. Someone cheerful and bright. However, the way that this fandom persecutes anyone who doesn’t like Diavolo or feels uncomfortable around him is not ok.

In my opinion, Diavolo has shown signs of immature and insensitive behavior. I.e. the way he treats others like toys. Yes, he cares about them, but often doesn’t consider their feelings in things he considers ‘mere pranks.’ This may be because Barbatos constantly assures him that the future will be fine, since Barbatos can manipulate and choose timelines.

He wants the best for the people around him, but doesn’t exactly take criticism or resistance to his advances kindly. “Well duh, he’s a ruler!” So? Yes, he’s a ruler, but that doesn’t mean he should be inconsiderate about others around him. The fact that he disregards others opinions unless it fits his agenda, is a sign of his childishness.

Which means, that over time, Diavolo doesn’t hold much regard to his actions, as Barbatos is always there to catch him. Now that doesn’t mean he constantly is reckless. When it comes to official Devildom matters, Diavolo is an apt ruler, who makes decisions for the Devildom’s best interests.

The problem is, no one has told Diavolo about his less than savory behavior. Because they fear him, and fear the punishments he could inflict upon them. So I can’t really say that he’s a completely bad character.

He wants Lucifer to be his equal, and acknowledge the fact that Diavolo sees him as an equal. Diavolo’s lonely, and it’s explicitly stated as so. He envies the closeness the brothers have. So, he goes about it in the only way he knows how. Which we’ll get to a bit later.

As for Lucifer, I can’t deny I’m quite fond of him. He does his best to overcome his pride for MC, and gradually (in S2-3), he becomes more open with his feelings. Yes, he’s a deeply flawed character, but he’s not a complete villain. The world simply isn’t as black and white as some would like it to be.

Yes, his relationship with some of his brothers is toxic. The way he treats Mammon at times is unacceptable, and possibly abusive in my opinion. The fact that he acts cold and distant to his brothers at times isn’t ok. But one thing I’ve seen others overlook, is that Lucifer is the Avatar of Pride. Does this excuse his actions? No. Does it explain some of his habits? Yes.

Don’t get me wrong, he still has a lot to work on. But he’s getting there, and actively trying to get better.

Now for the ship.

You do not need to like a ship, just because a character from that ship is constantly seen with the partner. Like I’ve said above, you can hate or love Diavolo or Lucifer, and dislike/like the ship.

As for the oath, I won’t delve too deep into this, as it would take essays upon essays worth of information. But we all know that, Diavolo had given Lucifer an ultimatum. Save Lilith, at the cost of Lucifer’s unquestionable loyalty.

Which as we’ve seen, Lucifer had agreed to the terms. And so, he is now Diavolo’s most trusted advisor, his right hand man.

Even though Diavolo says or implies that he sees Lucifer as an equal. He doesn’t always seem to show it. The power imbalance in between both characters is evident, throughout the plot of the story. If Lucifer denies Diavolo’s advances, Diavolo will continue. Why?

Well, you could argue that his behavior is due to him being royalty. Which is true, he’s royalty, and has never been told no. Barbatos has always been there, fixing his mess, so why would he need to worry?

Diavolo praises Lucifer, in a manner that is clearly uncomfortable to the latter. It’s evident that Lucifer despises being praised for his beauty, and just his looks. I’ve seen blogs see it as ‘just a joke’ or ‘being playful’. But time and time again, Lucifer has denied these advances, very obviously disliking the attention and focus on his looks.

But Diavolo continues, and in his defense, you could say, ‘because Lucifer doesn’t say that he’s uncomfortable!’. It’s very obvious that Lucifer isn’t an equal to Diavolo, no matter how much the latter insists he is. We’ve seen Diavolo brush off other’s discomfort at his actions, and we’ve seen him continue.

Diavolo is not evil. This is quite clear, even though he may be suspicious to some. However, his relationship tactics and methods of relationships have toxic, and quite possibly abusive effects.

For example. The angel event.

We all know, that the bangles controlled the 7 avatars, turning them all into angels. Their outfits, and minds, were taken over. The brothers, (excluding Satan.) had gone through traumatic events in these outfits, that’s for sure.

The celestial war, and losing Lilith, all were incredibly traumatizing events forever affecting their mindsets from that day forward. The bangles attempted to brain wash them, and we can see it when Satan states that he doesn’t feel like himself, that he felt calm.

But you might think, “But being calm is great! Isn’t that what he always wantd?’. Not quite.. All Satan had known before was wrath, and being calm completely took away an important part of him. Even though Satan had always resented his wrath, his sin, he had felt like a part of himself was miserable without it. He wasn’t himself, and felt as if he were being forced to be calm, something he loathes.

In all of the brothers, we can see that they are clearly distressed, and may come out of this situation traumatized.

Lucifer is no exception. We saw how visibly upset he was, the fact that the snow-white wings on his back gave him a constant reminder of the war and Lilith, throughout the entire ordeal.

What was Diavolo doing this entire time? He was being provided entertainment, and reveled the sight before him. He enjoyed seeing the brothers in their angelic uniforms, where they had fought with tooth and nail for their sister, and who knows what else. He enjoyed the fact that the brothers were having angelic ideals forced inside their heads.

And when someone speaks up against him? He’s passive aggressive about it, until the person opposing him gives up, begs for forgiveness, or embarrasses themselves.

While criticism of any of the characters is deemed valid and peachy in this fandom. I haven’t seen any criticism of Diavolo that wasn’t met with backlash and intense hounding. Lucifer, Satan, Belphegor, have all been criticized, but has the majority really deemed those opinions as invalid? No. We can all see why those arguments are valid, and people have their own reasons.

Hell, we’ve all seen people Lucifer left and right. And you know what? They’re completely valid! Some people may have triggers/squicks in regards to his behavior, and it’s completely understandable.

But the moment someone criticized Diavolo, we see fighting and targeting. The person who speaks up gets pushed down and insulted, until they either give up, or agree. If you like Diavolo, good for you, you’re valid! If you don’t, you’re completely valid!

Now back to the ship. Apologies for getting off topic, but oftentimes, when Diavolo and Lucifer are mentioned separately, they’re roped together.

Abusive/toxic relationships aren’t always one where the abusive/toxic partner is an outright terrible person. Oftentimes, they come with charm, a dazzling smile, and friends that would fight tooth and nail for them.

Diavolo has Lucifer in an....uncomfortable position to say the least. In power dynamics, that is. Lucifer is constantly embarrassed publicly and privately by compliments, and Diavolo knows this. He’s demeaned by the oath, and as for work, Diavolo often adds to it, just for fun. I.e, leaving the Devildom to come to the human world, leaving his responsibilities behind.

“But he’s lonely!” Yes, and? He is lonely, yes, but there is a time and place for fun, and time and place for work. He is going to become a King, and if he puts all this responsibility and stress on Lucifer, it simply isn’t right.

They have their good moments, but that absolutely does not make up for the state of the relationship as a whole. Just because someone has their good moments, doesn’t mean you accept and forgive them. That’s like saying that someone who physically abuses their S/O, is a good partner because they occasionally make them dinner. It simply isn’t correct.

Majority of the time, Diavolo is fine with Lucifer being reduced to a pretty face and belittled. In public, which very clearly hurts Lucifer’s pride and reputation.

Many people can resonate with some of these behaviors, having seen them in their past.

So please. Tag your works as DiaLuci for others uncomfortable with it, stop attacking others who dislike the ship, and for fucks sake, enough with hating people who dislike a character and/or ship.

#obey me #obey me diavolo #obey me lucifer #obey me ship #obey me dialuci #dialuci #obey me ship discussion

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shorkbrian · 4 years ago

Text

Fine

Prelude - I had some more classes start today, so I will probably not have time for hardly anything. We’ll see. But please be patient with me, I appreciate y’all

Pairing - Izuku Midoriya X Reader

Prompt - @lbrownsugarbbyl mentioned in a comment that their birthday was a few days ago. Hope this suffices, I'm sorry I’m really bad at writing stuff for people lasjhlfhals

Warnings - NSFW, dub con, Pseudo-incest, pussyjobs,

Music - https://open.spotify.com/track/5XeFesFbtLpXzIVDNQP22n?si=kLjNx2bbTiWzW37DHZuB8Q

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It’ll be fine.

Everything’s fine.

That’s what Izuku tells himself everyday when he heads up to your room five nights out of the week, fresh from college. He knows your schedule, you get home half an hour before he does on Wednesdays and Thursdays, a full hour on Monday, Tuesday, and Friday.

That gives you enough time to shower, brush out your hair, change into something comfy. Izuku always finds himself wishing he could give you one of his shirts, one of the large ones that would reach down to your thighs. He wishes he could see you wearing that, nothing else.

But Izuku understands that there are limits. Limits to what he does to you, limits to what he can ask of you.

You always find a way to push his limits, make his resolve crumble away into dust, thick dust that chokes him as he drowns in his sins.

Izuku spends almost all of his time in your room now, waiting for bedtime, waiting for when he can climb into your bed, lay down beside you, be close to you.

He knows he’s needy, maybe more so than what’s normal. But he likes listening to you talk to your friends on the phone with him draped over your back, likes sitting against your feet doing his homework while you do yours. Izuku likes being around you, needs your presence and your company to feel stable, to feel okay.

Things are different now, different because of you. He always used to be so anxious and nervous, easy to push around and bully. But then his mom had met your dad, and he had met you.

You had been such… you had been a life saver, literally. You were the one that had come up to the school roof while Izuku was contemplating following Bakugou’s advice to take a swan dive. You had his bento box in hand, presumably looking for your new step-brother to tell him he forgot his lunch. Izuku had burst out crying the second you opened your mouth, dropping to his knees and scrubbing at his eyes. It was embarrassing, humiliating, his head hurt and so did his heart. Everything was bad, bad bad bad, but then there was you.

Kneeling down beside him, using your sleeve to wipe at the snot and tears smeared all over his face. Pulling him into a deep hug, cradling his head against your chest, asking him to breathe with you, deep breaths, slow breaths.

You never asked what he was doing up there - it was pretty obvious - even to someone new to the school - how badly Izuku was bullied.

But you, oh, his beautiful step-sister, you never treated him like that.

You were kind, soft smiles and soft hands as you walked with him between classes. He forgot about the mean words and vicious jabs thrown his way when he was with you, instead focused on the way your lips moved as you talked, the soft, girlish tone of your voice. You were an angel in his eyes, both figuratively and literally.

All throughout high school, izuku stuck by your side, and you let him, encouraged him even. Let the male press into your side during lunch, let him squeeze next to you on the bus, let him follow you around like a lost puppy. He still had yet to hear a mean word, an insult, a derogatory remark towards him fall from yours lips. You were too good for that, his sister, his /savior/. College is when the problems started.

And by problems, Izuku means attraction. You managed to snag yourself a boyfriend, your attention shifted from Izuku and onto this new person. Someone else besides Izuku was taking up your time, and it hurt.

It wasn’t hard for Izuku to spin lies about you to your “boyfriend”, to the idiot who thought they were entitled to your time. Something about using your boyfriend, about only being with him because he had money. Of course Izuku knew none of that was true - you would never! But Izuku needed you to himself.

He proceeded to subtly ruin every relationship you formed, even those that were just “friends”. All Izuku knew was that he needed you attention, all of it, no exceptions.

And you never figured out why you friends drifted away, why you couldn’t hold a boyfriend for more than a week before they were spitting in your face. It seemed like Izuku was the only one who was constantly there for you, through thick and thin. As time passed, it became easier to forget about trying to meet new people, easier to just be complicit and accept that Izuku was all you would ever need, just like you were all he would ever need.

He was there for you! Just like you were there for him, all those years ago. Izuku made sure to stress to you that you could go to him for /anything/. Homework help? He’s putting his glasses on and scooting over so you can sit down beside him at the dining table. Trying to decide on dinner? Izuku will help, opening the fridge and offering to make something for you. Need to run to the store for “feminine products”? Izuku is already shrugging his coat on, snatching the keys off the counter and telling you to go lay down, he’ll get anything you need.

He’ll do anything you need.

And he knows how long it’s been since you’ve had a decent orgasm.

Izuku convinced himself that he was just being a good brother, being a good man, as he bought you a vibrator. Your moans had sounded so forlorn in the shower, as if whatever you were doing wasn’t enough, like you wanted, no, needed more.

And he knew that some would think it’s weird that he sits outside the door as you shower, hell, he could see you wrinkling your nose as he presented you with the vibrator. But it’s just Izuku, nervous, needy Izuku. You know how he hates being alone.

He’s able to convince you to accept the toy. And the next time you shower, he knows you’re muffling your moans in case he’s sitting outside (where else would he be?), but Izuku swears he can hear the quiet buzz of the toy, and he can definitely hear your delicious little whimpers as you cum.

It all goes downhill from there.

In some dark, cobwebbed corner of his mind, Izuku registers that it’s weird. It’s odd that he’s so obsessed with his sister, that he’s so attracted to you. But he didn’t want to be attracted to anyone else, he didn’t want to need anyone else. And he certainly doesn’t want you having, wanting, anyone but him.

It’s fine, everything’s fine - He had said that first night, crawling into your bed with you. He repeated it softly as he slipped his hand up your legs, pet your cunt through the thin fabric of your pajama shorts. It’s what he had breathed into your ear when you tried to wrench his hand away, when you gasped at his boldness.

You knew how needy he was, didn’t you? This wasn’t weird, it’s fine, just Izuku missing you. Plus, he just wants to take care of you. Won’t you let him?

Izuku smiles into your neck when your hands stutter from pushing him away.

Everything’s fine.

The touching progresses. It’s only under the cover of darkness, under the cover of your blankets. It always starts with Izuku crawling into your bed, waking you up with a gentle kiss to your forehead. No matter how much you try to tell him otherwise, Izuku knows you need this. He knows it feels good too, he’d done extensive research.

Playing with your pussy, feeling your juices slide down his fingers, rubbing and tapping at your clit, playing you like a fiddle. Occasionally a hand will reach up and tweak a nipple, massage your breast, send liquid fire thrumming through your veins. Izuku likes seeing you arch back, mouth opened and eyes rolled back in pleasure as his hands work you over. It’s almost enough to satisfy him. But he’s so needy.

It’s one of his limits, he’s only gonna touch you. He’s not gonna take his pants off, he’s not gonna pull his cock out, no matter how hard he is, no matter how uncomfortable it gets. He doesn’t want to make you uneasy.

But just like his other limits, you shatter his resolve on keeping this limit firm. You’re just so wet and receptive to his touch, rolling your hips against his hand, muffing your little gasps and moans into your pillow. Izuku can tell you want more, that you need more, something thick and hot and soft pushing at you clit, something bigger than his fingers.

so it’s fine, everything’s fine as he pushes down his pajama pants, pulls his thick cock out of his underwear, lets it rest up against your pussy.

He has to clamp a hand over your mouth to keep you from screaming. Explains that he’s no gonna go inside, he’s just gonna help you feel even better. You’ll let him, won’t you? He’s made you feel so good already.

When you hesitantly nodded, obviously not convinced but not actively fighting, Izuku smiles and removes his hand, pressing another kiss to your forehead.

When he wraps a hand around himself, the pleasure zings so fast up his spine that if he weren’t already laying down facing you, he would’ve fallen over. Izuku lets his cock head rest against your clit, lets the tip rub against your ltittle button on each quick stroke of his fist.

He knows it probably isn’t as intense as when he stimulates your clit directly, but you seem to be enjoying it all the same, shivering and bucking your hips closer to him.

It feels so good for Izuku, fucking into his tight fist, slide eased by your wetness, pressing the blunt, drooling head of his cock against your rosy little nub, making your squirm and moan so sweetly.

He cums right after you do, letting his cum paint the outside of your pussy, make it messy, adding to the slick wet that was already there.

From there, izuku isn’t shy about pulling his dick out every other night. It becomes a common occurrence, pussyjobs and Izuku humping you, thick cock sandwiched between the puffy lips of your cunt. He never fails to take care of you - if you don’t cum before he does, your brother will always graciously finger you until you squirt.

It’s fine, everything’s fine as long as he doesn’t go inside, right?

That’s one of his limits.

It’s fine, he won’t cross that line

Hopefully.

#yandere #yandere izuku #yandere izuku midoriya #yandere deku #stepbrother #step siblings #tw dubcon #bad izuku #yandere thoughts #yandere boku no hero academia #izuku midoria x reader #Yandere midoriya Izuku

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tomhardysteeth · 4 years ago

Note

u wanna say anything for spn ending? Today's their last day of filming

Yeah sure! I love how you worded this ask, it makes me want to give a very serious answer. I’ve been rewatching random episodes the past few days and thinking about how much of my life was shaped by this random lil tv show, both positively and negatively, so here we go.

I started watching Supernatural during my junior year of college, when I was grappling with being gay and religious, and had a pseudo-girlfriend who was emotionally abusive. I remember I started watching the show because I had been on tumblr for a while and thought, well this is a popular show on tumblr and looks like something I’d enjoy, so I might as well try it. I remember barely paying attention to the first season and thinking it was kind of silly, and I distinctly remember making fun of it right up until the season 1 finale when that truck slammed into the Impala and I said oh.

I remember sitting in the dining hall between classes, hiding in a corner with my pink headphones and my laptop, watching one episode after the other, completely consumed by it. My personal life was a mess at the time and I was angry and sad and frustrated, but I could forget about everything for a little while when I watched spn. I remember falling in love with Dean Winchester, season 3, when Sam gave him the amulet.

Because I had already spent a lot of time on tumblr, I knew about Castiel. I couldn’t wait to get to season 4, the anticipation killed me. I didn’t really have a choice in shipping destiel, I literally shipped it before I even watched a single episode of the show lol. My first time watching seasons 4 and 5, I remember how mad I would feel every time the opening credits scrolled at the bottom of the screen and Misha Collins wasn’t listed. I cared about almost nothing but Dean and Cas interacting with each other. I was totally enamored by them, by their potential. At some point I got over that and watched the show because I liked the show, but boy did my heart and brain break for destiel.

I broke up with my abusive girlfriend. I started coming out to more people, including people involved in the Christian campus ministry I was heavily involved in, and it was very very hard. It was 2013. The first episode of Supernatural I watched live was the episode where Dean turns into a fucking dog.

I don’t remember when I started reading fanfic, and I had no idea how to read fanfic. A friend invited me to ao3, what is ao3? I didn’t know. I used my email address as my username. I read Twist and Shout and Pie Without Plot and other very popular fics that I knew about because everybody knew about them. I vividly remember the first fics I read because I was 21 years old and had never had an orgasm in my life and believed sex was sinful and so when the sex scenes in fics turned me on, I felt guilty about it.

I quickly got over that and started writing explicit destiel fanfic.

I still had no idea what I was doing. I know the very first fic I ever wrote was a mess, I’ve completely erased all traces of it, but other than that I began posting with abandon. Pretty much everything I’ve ever written for spn is still on tumblr and/or ao3. I was running a Hannibal blog at the time and started posting more Supernatural content than Hannibal content, so I created a sideblog, @deancasheadcanons, and things very quickly got out of hand after that.

I was depressed, I was confused, I was spending my last couple years of college trying to figure out my sexuality, trying to hold onto a religion that was rejecting who I was becoming, trying to find my identity while picking a career path and being sad and being pulled in a hundred different directions. Sometimes I was working three jobs at once, on top of 17-credit-hour semesters. I was getting a degree in a field I did not care about, and I spent every class reading and writing fanfic, scrolling through tumblr, making internet friends, letting my life be consumed by Supernatural. I projected myself completely onto Dean Winchester and partially onto Castiel and did not even realize it.

I started dressing like Dean, and my sister and brother-in-law noticed and assumed I was gay. They were extremely unsubtle in their attempts at getting me to come out by pointing out the flannel and army jackets, and I did not have it in me to admit to them that I was dressing like a fictional character, but I DID tell them I was bisexual.

I went to therapy every week during my senior year of college, and I was embarrassed about how often I talked about my “internet life,” as I called it. I remember having the arbitrary goal of getting 1,000 kudos on a fanfic, and I remember the day it happened for the first time and I remember going to therapy that week and saying that I didn’t feel any different, that I thought getting attention for my writing would make me feel better, somehow, but I still felt the same, and my therapist asked me if I would still be writing if I was the only one who got anything out of it and I said yes. But I was still obsessed with writing things that were meaningful, and despite the fact that I would receive 10 negative/mean anons per day, I never turned anon off because I desperately wanted people to tell me that my writing meant something to them, that it mattered to them. I was fighting with myself every day over my sexuality and my identity and my purpose, and I put all of that on the shoulders of Dean and Cas.

There was also chubby!dean. I had lived my entire life with this inexplicable thing, this shame that I knew I could not share, that I knew I would just have to suffer with for my whole life, and then I joined the spn fandom and found that there were others like me, others that had a fetish and had similar experiences as I did and were drawn to Dean Winchester because there’s no other character that could make eating and gaining weight be as enticing as he makes it (in fanfic). For the first time in my life I had a community of people that I could relate to about a thing that I never thought I would ever be able to talk about with anyone in my life. I don’t remember if I consciously chose to start posting publicly about it, but at some point I did, and I started writing kink fic, but I was still so uncomfortable with myself and so scared of the things I felt, and I tried so hard to temper myself and not offend anyone and not go “too far” and not be too weird and I was so sexually repressed and pent up and full of guilt and shame, and so now when I go back and reread some of the stuff I wrote it feels like reopening an old wound and letting myself bleed out.

I was constantly comparing myself to others and wondering why I wasn’t getting as much attention as so-and-so, and I always made excuses about how maybe my writing was too weird and I was too much and maybe I just wasn’t good enough and I hated myself and wanted to delete everything I ever wrote, but also I’m awesome and receive a lot of attention and get a lot of good feedback but maybe that means I’m just a narcissist! I acted like an asshole online and justified it by saying it wasn’t really me, that I could be someone totally different on tumblr than the person I was in “real life,” but in hindsight, now when I think back on my early 20s, I cannot separate what I was doing in “real life” from what I was doing in the spn fandom. I shared so much of myself with the spn fandom without even recognizing that that’s what I was doing.

And I made mistakes, god I made mistakes, and I tried to be so careful about everything I said but I was also presenting a certain version of myself to the spn fandom so that people would like me (for instance: running a destiel blog and trying my best to hide the fact that I also ship wincest) and still I got in trouble constantly, and I grew bitter and mean because you can only receive the “when are you posting the next chapter?” comment so many times before you want to bang your head into a wall. I became defensive and unkind, afraid to check my inbox because it was a nightmare, and yet unable to turn off anon because, like I said, I desperately needed that feedback, I needed people to tell me that they felt what I felt, that they understood what I was writing and why I was writing it.

I expected Supernatural to give me everything I needed. I fantasized about Dean Winchester being canonically bisexual because I thought it would confirm something in me, that it would somehow make my life a little bit easier. I didn’t want to watch other shows that could maybe help me, I wanted Supernatural to do things for me that it had never promised and would never deliver, and it’s because I was defined by it for so many years. Now that I’m back on tumblr, I’ve been going back through some of my old posts on deancasheadcanons and it’s like reading a stranger’s words. Even so, I find myself telling people “I was deancasheadcanons” instead of “I ran a sideblog called deancasheadcanons” because it really was such a huge part of my identity. What’s wild is that every time I’ve tried to explain it to someone in real life, they just look at me like I’m not making any sense.

It was easy to stop watching Supernatural. I didn’t have cable, and I had been driving to my dad and stepmom’s house each week and watching it on their tv after they had gone to bed. I was in a new relationship with a woman I nearly married, I was back in school for a new career, I was working full time and absolutely did not have time to continue writing fanfic as prolifically as I had done for so many years. I finally reached a breaking point in 2017 and haven’t watched any new episodes since then (I don’t remember the last episode I saw). But now, as I rewatch some old episodes, it is easy to feel the way I felt the first time I watched the show. It’s easy to see why this campy little heartfelt show was a lifeline during my formative adult years.

So it turns out I have never reckoned with any of this, have never written it down, hence the 2k jumble of words you see here. And it’s like, I know that a lot of this may seem silly, trivial, especially for a show that in itself is not very serious, but as it comes to an end I have to reflect on it as a person who put so much of my heart, my creativity, my pain and my floundering identity into it. I am somewhat embarrassed and wish I could respond to this ask with a joke instead, but we’re in a pandemic and I live alone and have had way too much time to think and reflect and become a lot more self-aware, and part of that reflection has definitely been about my time in the spn fandom. I remember thinking the show was never going to end, yet here we are at the end and I felt compelled to type all this out with a desire to, I don’t know, get some closure? Convince myself that I was a whole person, that I wasn’t just a faceless URL posting destiel fics into the void, that my real life was not at all disparate from the time I spent online? In any case, I’ll always think fondly of the time I devoted to Supernatural, and I’ll take the good and the bad and everything in between. Thanks for the nice ask, anon, apparently I needed to get some things off my chest.

#madd replies #long post #spn for ts #this is 2k words i am sorry lmao #wouldn't it be cool if i had any semblance of chill

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lonestarbabe · 4 years ago

Text

Holding Out For a Hero

Chapter 9: Wish I Could Forget

[AO3]

T.K. makes a confession, Carlos deals with his manipulative dad.

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You were something else I will admit

I remember what you told me

I only wish I could forget

Carlos

They’d been on the bus all day, and as much as he tried to keep track, Carlos couldn’t remember what the next location was. He’d find out when he got there. T.K. had warned him that it would happen like that; the days would stretch together, and so would the locations. Carlos hadn’t believed him. He figured there was no way that he could forget something as simple as where he was going, but when you were almost constantly on the road bouncing from location to location, the places blurred, and the highway went on without end. I never guessed the tour would feel so long or that riding across the country could be so exhausting.

Carlos wasn’t alone in that sentiment. Everyone he’d spoken to had agreed that tour was exhausting for everyone involved once the high of the excitement started to fade into a loose routine but a routine nonetheless. Their days were closely planned, leaving few moments for excursions and sightseeing. Energy shots and coffee kept them going through the long days and irregular hours. Carlos missed home, especially when sleep was elusive. He hadn’t been the best at keeping up with his friends, but tour could be lonely, so he’d call Michelle, who was equally bad at keeping in touch, or some of his buddies, or even his sister. Everyone was friendly, and it wasn’t like he had any issues with his coworkers, but they were busy. And Carlos had shrugged off invites with the crew to hang out with T.K. instead, partially because he knew that when T.K. got lonely, he spiraled. And I want to do my part to prevent that from happening.

But his commitment to spending time with T.K. wasn’t just about T.K. Mostly, Carlos spent so much time with T.K. because T.K. was a good friend. Carlos could spend hours listening to T.K. tell tales of his storied life. Carlos liked to tell stories of his own, too, and one of his favorite things was eliciting that easy, full-chested laugh from T.K., who usually employed a practiced laugh that was polished but shallow. Carlos loved the way T.K.’s face lit up when he brought T.K. colorful doughnuts. The doughnuts from the morning’s bakery stop were half-eaten, the most sprinkled ones already gone. The half-empty box made Carlos smile.

The bus was eerily quiet. No one considered bus rides passive time. As the bus plodded down the highway, everyone kept busy ordinarily, making calls and double-checking that all the arrangements were in order, but Carlos and T.K. were alone. T.K. had barely moved, let alone do any work. Carlos’ favorite bus activity was when T.K. would strum his guitar and write songs, and Carlos would pretend not to listen closely, while T.K. would hide in his bunk. T.K.’s private songwriting was more personal than the stuff he put on his albums, and T.K. trusted Carlos enough to play those intimate pieces near him.

There was no music playing in that music, not even over the expensive speakers that T.K. loved to use when the silence made him antsy. T.K. was mute, bouncing his leg and staring out at the stretch of gray sky. T.K. looked cozy in his pink cotton hoodie, but he kept tugging at it as if it were too tight or itchy.

“You look anxious,” Carlos pointed out, sitting next to T.K. on the couch. His eyebrows scrunched together as he searched T.K.’s face for signs of sickness, sadness, or homesickness, but he couldn’t recognize the meaning of that particular facial expression. His eyes were too sad to be angry, and his jaw was too clenched for him just to be sad. T.K.’s face was a combination of things that Carlos couldn’t quite decode. Someday, I’ll be able to look at his face and immediately know what he’s thinking. I’ll memorize the shapes his face makes. I’ll learn what he’s trying to express, even if he doesn’t know how to express it.

T.K. startled, eyes flitting to Carlos’. “Just thinking,” T.K. avoided Carlos’ eyes and turned his head back to the sky, which was unusual for someone who intensely made eye contact to the point that it made some people uncomfortable. Carlos never looked away. Carlos’s phone buzzed in his pocket, but he ignored it— barely felt it— his focus on intently on T.K.

“Care to share?” Carlos prodded gently. He knew better than to pressure T.K. to talk. If T.K. spoke about his feelings, it was on his own time, but it usually took some prodding before T.K. would open up.

“I don’t know.” T.K. shifted a few inches away from Carlos, pulling his arms closer to his body and looking like a figurine of the larger-than-life presence the world knew.

“What’s wrong?” Carlos tried once more, and if T.K. didn’t give him anything after that, he wouldn’t push anymore.

“You,” T.K. admitted, biting his lip.

“Me?” Carlos’ eyes widened. “Did I do something?” He searched his mind for something he might’ve done that would’ve offended T.K., but things had been easy between them lately. T.K. had been going out less, and he seemed to be doing better, which took some of the stress away that filled Carlos’ voice with tension.

“You’re perfect.” T.K. shook his head. “No, you haven’t done anything bad.” Then, what did I do? “It’s what I did.”

“What did you do? T.K., I’m a little lost here.”

“You’re going to be mad.” Carlos wanted to shake T.K. and tell T.K. to spit it out already, but he chose to be patient.

“I’m not mad at you.”

“Not yet,” T.K. hedged.

Carlos leaned closer to T.K., palms getting sweaty. “Whatever it is, you can tell me. We’re friends.”

T.K scratched his neck. “Yeah, friends.” Why did he say it like that?

“Well, we are, aren’t we?” Carlos didn’t even want to imagine how he would feel if the answer was no.

“I hope so, but there are things about me that you don’t know.” T.K. took a breath. “And you might rethink things when you know.” T.K. was an expert at prolonging conversations to avoid giving answers.

“You don’t know everything about me either, and that’s fine.” Carlos had a whole history that he’d barely mentioned to T.K., and he didn’t plan on bringing it up because what was the point of bringing up the past when it was long gone. But if he asked, I’d tell him. “It’s okay if there are things you don’t want to tell me.” But I want to know everything.

“Carlos, there’s something I need to tell you,” he heard T.K. say, voice too soft. I know, T.K., so tell me.

Carlos’ heart stiffened. “T.K., you’re stalling.” Carlos nervously chuckled when T.K. didn’t respond right away. “The anticipation will probably be worse than the confession,” Carlos assured, and he was trying to convince himself as much as he was T.K.

T.K.

T.K.’s heart pounded in his chest, and he was more nervous telling Carlos the truth than he had ever been before a show. It was easy to perform in front of thousands of people he didn’t know. It was harder to come clean to someone he didn’t want to disappoint. The tone of Carlos’ voice made it even harder. He sounded so concerned, even though T.K. had never given him a reason to care that deeply.

“I messed up,” T.K. admitted, and the words reminded him of all the times he’d had to say that. He remembered times he had drank too much or taken too many pills and called Marjan thinking that he was dying. Every time he called, those events were impressed into her voice as she asked, “Are you okay?” right away instead of saying hello. Or when he’d walked two miles to Judd’s house, disoriented and shivering because he’d dramatically jumped into a pool after a fight with Alex. He’d been too mad to wait for a ride and too high to drive himself. Judd had made a threat against Alex before ushering T.K. inside and warming him up. He constantly let people down, and it wasn’t like Carlos didn’t know he was an addict, but it wasn’t something he liked to bring up, and he certainly wasn’t going to use the words for what he was.

“Are you okay?” Not, “What did you do this time?” or “Here we go again.” Carlos’ brown eyes were soft and caring. The words were those of a friend, not just someone paid to make sure T.K. didn’t fuck up any more than expected. He looked everyone with those cow eyes, but T.K. liked to think there was extra softness when Carlos looked at him. Maybe it was because T.K. was pathetic more than because Carlos actually liked him as a person.

“Don’t be so nice,” T.K. pleaded. He couldn’t stand Carlos being so friendly to him when he deserved misery that Carlos would never give him.

Carlos’ face fell. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m not okay as I’ve been making out,” which wasn’t much of a mystery for the people around T.K.

“Yeah, I noticed,” Carlos said dryly. “But recovery takes time. It’s okay to struggle sometimes.”

T.K. wanted to cry at the hope in Carlos’ eyes. He really thinks I’m getting better. He’s convinced that I want to change, but I don’t want to participate in my change. I want to sleep through getting better and wake up feeling sane. “You know how I talked a lot about my therapist?” He’d gone out of his way more times than he’d admit to mentioning his therapist so that Carlos would think it was for real. I can’t be trusted.

Carlos nodded. “Yeah, she seems nice.”

“I was just saying all that stuff to make you feel better. It’s not true.” There, he’d said it. He waited for the screaming that would follow, the “Why are you ruining your life?” in that same voice his mom always used when she realized having a kid was more than an eighteen-year commitment.

Confusion spread on Carlos’ face. “She isn’t nice?”

“No, she is nice. Well, I don’t know. I ditched my appointments.” He was quick to add. “I’m seeing another one now, but that’s a new thing..”

“Why did you make up all those stories? You could have told me the truth,” Carlos sounded devastated.

“You can yell at me,” T.K. told him. Yelling would have made T.K. feel better. He would have deserved it, a suitable penance for the sins he had committed, but Carlos wasn’t going to give him absolution in the way he wanted it.

“I’m not going to do that.”

“You should. I won’t listen if you don’t make me feel like the scum of the earth.” I might not even listen then, but I might feel better.

“Don’t be stupid,” Carlos snapped. He immediately looked apologetic “Sorry.” T.K. wanted him to go back to snappish comments. He didn’t want the normal, constrained Carlos who could keep his temper in check. He wanted a verbal lashing to get the anger out of the way and start working towards forgiveness. “Yelling won’t change the situation,” Carlos explained. “I’m not going to yell at you.”

“I’d feel better if you yelled at me than whatever approach you’re taking now.”

“I’d feel worse if I yelled, so just drop it.”

“I’m telling you that you can. It wouldn’t be immoral or anything if I’m asking you to do it.”

“No,” Carlos said, sounding disgusted at the idea. “I don’t want to be a part of your self-destructive spiral!”

“I’m not on a self-destructive spiral.” I’m not, T.K. tried to convince himself, but there was something about destroying himself that felt so right. The feeling of getting wasted wasn’t just about the high. He liked the fall too, the deterioration of self. Because destruction eases the bitterness, but I don’t want to hurt anyone other than me. The only problem was that his self-destruction didn’t just impact him. The people in his life, the ones he hadn’t pushed away or kept at a distance, hurt as he shoved himself closer to oblivion. Sometimes, he wanted to feel alive, while other times, he wanted to feel dead. The jury’s out on which I want to be. Who didn’t fantasize about the demise of the person they hated the most? It’s nice to let go, shirk responsibility, and leave my future up to fate.

“You might recognize it if you went to see a therapist,” Carlos said as a plea more than a scolding. The hurt T.K. caused had already spread to Carlos, and the thought made him hate himself more.

“I’m seeing one now.” T.K. quipped, We haven’t gotten to a self-destructive spiral yet.” It had only been one virtual session, but he’d scheduled another.

“I’m glad to hear that, T.K., but you still lied to me.”

“You seemed so happy when I told you I’d go to therapy. I didn’t want to ruin that.” The illusion of a functional T.K. Strand has always been the side of him that T.K. wanted Carlos to see because the real T.K. Strand is embarrassing, messy, and pathetic.

“I’d rather you be honest with me. You don’t need to spare my feelings. It’s hard for me to protect you when I don’t even know what’s going on with you.” T.K. didn’t even know what was going on with himself. And maybe that was why everyone was so insistent that he go to a professional. Professionals were supposed to help you sort all that out. But what if I’m beyond help?

Carlos

Carlos wanted to yell; he wouldn’t deny that anger was brimming in his chest, making him crazy with fear and anxiety. That’s all the anger was—the fear and anxiety that T.K. wasn’t okay— that I can’t protect him. Carlos had caught T.K. falling back into old habits occasionally— drugs, drinking, sex with dangerous-looking guys— but he’d thought T.K. had been doing better. They’d been spending a lot of time together, and T.K. had seemed, for the most part, okay. Carlos painfully wondered what other lies T.K. had told. Had the past few weeks been worse than he knew?

“I’m sorry, Carlos,” T.K. said. “I shouldn’t have lied to you.” No shit, Carlos thought. I’m scared, and I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t watch him fall apart and do nothing. He’s not doing well, but there’s nothing I can do to make him alright again. He has to do that himself.

Carlos took a breath, resisting the urge to snap again, but he was embarrassed at his earlier outburst. He hated that he lost control like that. “I shouldn’t have gotten so upset before. It’s your business how you handle your mental health,” Carlos said, fabricating the cool composure he needed for his own sanity. His voice was a cold front plowing through the tour bus. He wasn’t going to blow up and make a scene, but he wanted to. He wanted to respond with red hot fire. He wanted to ask T.K. why he had been so foolish and to tell him to get his shit together, but those words were his fear, and such words would only make T.K. defensive. “You don’t have to tell me anything.”

“I know, but you’re my friend.” Is this how friends treat each other? Carlos had never been the best at having balanced friendships, so he wasn’t sure.

“Why didn’t you go to see the therapist?” Why didn’t he at least give it a real try?

“I thought I didn’t need it. I don’t know. I guess I didn’t want to need it. Or I didn’t want to commit.” T.K. sighed. “I have a lot of shit I need to confront, and I feel like I’m trying to find a few prized possessions in a crumbing house that I’ve filled with trash. And to get anywhere, I’ve got to clear the trash away piece by piece.”

“But you’re ready to try?” He wondered if T.K. had decided to go on his own or if Judd, Marjan, or one of his other friends had pushed him into it. “You chose to get help?”

“I did, but I’m not making any promises.”

Defeat tugged in Carlos’ chest. “You’re already leaving room to back out the minute things get too hard.” T.K. was already laying the groundwork for future excuses of why therapy didn’t work out, which made Carlos curious about how committed T.K. was to get better.

“It’s not like that. But I know myself. I can’t change. I’ll always ruin everything. I screwed up because that’s what I do, and the sooner you get used to that, the better because if you have expectations of me, you’re only going to be disappointed.”

“Don’t say shit like that,” Carlos said, excess irritation creeping into his voice. There went his resolve to act detached. No matter how hard he tried to keep a level head, he was a passionate person. He cared about things, and apathy didn’t suit him. His passion got him in trouble. It got him ousted from the police force when he’d cared more about helping Michelle find her sister than his job, but it was part of him. He fell too fast, and he put too much of himself into anything he did. No matter how much passion carried him away, Carlos wasn’t going to yell. His voice would be impassioned, but he wouldn’t let his rage fully control him. I don’t want to be like my father.

“Like what? All of it is true. I’m always making a mess of my life.”

“Don’t act like you’re bound to screw up and try to push me away because you’re scared of letting anyone get too close. You don’t have to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. You get to make choices, and you can choose to put the work in to get better.”

“I’m trying to warn you.”

“I’m not expecting you to be perfect. I know you might have ups and downs, so don’t find a way out of this before you’ve even started.” I just want you to try. I can deal with anything as long as you try.

“You’re not listening,” T.K. sounded frustrated. “I’m trying to protect. I like you, and you don’t deserve this shitstorm.”

“Bullshit. You’re scared. This isn’t about keeping me safe. I’m a grown man, T.K., and I’ve had people disappoint me before. Many hurt me more than you ever could. Don’t turn this on me because I’m right here standing by your side. If you don’t want to be my friend, walk away, but don’t keep baiting me into doing.”

“That’s not what I want.” Then, why do you keep doing it?

“What do you want?”

“I want to be a person you can like, but the truth is I’m not even a person I can like.” Carlos’ stomach knotted. He wanted to pull T.K. into a hug and confess how much T.K. meant to him, but he resisted the selfish urge. He didn’t want to send the wrong signals (but he also knew if T.K. asked him for a hug, he wouldn’t be able to say no).

Before he could dispute T.K.’s words, Carlos’ phone started buzzing again, the noise sending fresh anger through him. His annoyance only increased when he saw that it was the same unknown number that had been calling him for a week. “Damn it, leave me alone,” he spat to the unanswered phone and tossed it to the couch. It bounced, and Carlos held his breath, but he was relieved when it didn’t fall to the floor.

T.K.

Well, that was weird. Seeing Carlos’ outburst had in some respects been a relief to T.K., but it also sent a shiver down T.K.’s spine because when Carlos gave such a reaction, you knew the situation had to be dreadful. “We’re a pair of perfectly okay people,” T.K. deadpanned.

“They’ve been calling me all day,” Carlos said apologetically. “I’m just frustrated.” He was back to being the constrained Carlos who acted as if problems rolled right off of him. “I’m not mad at you.” He’s always so quick to reassure me.

“I know, man. Telemarketers suck.” T.K. laughed. “They’re more persistent than my stans.”

The comment broke Carlos’ stoic expression, and a slight grin snuck onto his face. “I know that’s not true.”

“That one girl snuck into a trash can.” She was sweet, a little crazy, but hell, so am I!

“I think it was empty.”

“Still, a trashcan,” Carlos razzed. “Those kinds of things are a nightmare for security professionals.”

“She got her autograph, at least.”

“And I got gray hairs and an ulcer. When she popped out, I nearly lost it on her. She’s lucky you stepped in. I would have escorted her swiftly away without ever seeing you, and then I would have put her on the blacklist.”

“You’re overprotective. She wasn’t going to hurt me.” T.K. knew his fans didn’t want to hurt him, so he didn’t worry too much about his safety. Surely, there were people he didn’t like who he should worry about, but he had better things to do than fret over what other people might do. Carlos fretted enough for both of them.

“I’m as protective as I should be.” And I find “protective as I should be” very endearing.

“You know, Carlos. It’s okay to show how you feel sometimes. You don’t always have to act like things don’t bother you. It’s okay to be un-levelheaded. Ignoring emotions doesn’t make them go away. I should know.”

“It’s my job to be levelheaded.”

“You’re very good at it, but that’s not your job, Carlos. It’s your job to protect my body. You focus on saving that.” And I’d keep you around even if you didn’t do that. “As long as you don’t have to put your own in danger.”

“I would without thinking twice,” and T.K. felt his chest tighten at the thought. It’s not right to put him in danger for my safety. Crowd control is one thing, but any actual danger is off the table.

“Stay safe. I can’t lose you.”

“It’s unlikely it will come to that,” and the words that are implied but go unsaid are, “But if it comes to that, I know what I’ll choose.” The thought made T.K. sick.

“I can save myself,” T.K. asserted.

“Start by saving your mind.”

“We’ll see about that,” T.K. said before leaving to find his guitar. He needed some music therapy after that chat. I hope my stupid songs won’t drive Carlos crazy.

Carlos

It was late when Carlos’ phone rang again, the same unknown number on the screen. T.K. had gone to bed; he must’ve been tired to go so early. The number was an Austin area code, so on the off chance that it was someone he knew, he answered.

“What do you want?” expecting to hear a scam caller.

“Hey, Carlito,” a familiar voice crooned, sounding smooth and smug. Carlos nearly hung up. “Nice to talk to you too.”

“Dad? How did you get this number?” Son of a bitch has probably gotten himself arrested again and needs bail, or he’s gambled away his grocery money. Maybe he has a friend whose been accused of some terrible deed he didn’t do. Maybe a con went wrong, and he’s trying not to get beat up.

“Your sister.” Damn it, Carlos thought. This is the last thing I need.

“I told her that I didn’t want to talk to you.”

“Don’t be like that. I’m your old man.”

“Why did you call?” Carlos persisted. The sooner he knew what his dad wanted, the sooner he could tell him no and hang up. I’m too curious to hang up just yet, and it’s been so long since I’ve heard his voice. It sounds just like it did half a decade ago.

“How’s Taylor?” He hasn’t gotten better at small talk, has he?

“Didn’t you hear we broke up?” Carlos said acerbically.

“How’d that happen?” Carlos could practically hear his dad smiling at the news, probably happy that Carlos’ life had taken a turn towards the awful. Still, while the breakup had been complicated and heartbreaking, Carlos was more satisfied without Taylor in his life. Taylor leaving him had been a relief, even if there were some feelings of sadness and loss.

“Long story short, I got fired, he dumped me, and he blew up the police chief’s car after a bender. So, things didn’t work out, which you would know if you didn’t think the whole world revolved around you.” Carlos waited for a beat. “Now you know the whole sordid saga. What about you? Have you been arrested lately?”

“You’re awfully bitter for being so young.” No shit. You made my childhood a shitshow, and I always had to be there to help you out of your messes while you wouldn’t lift a finger to help me out of mine.

“Cut the, ‘How are you, son?’ talk. Why’d you call?”

“You always expect the worst in me, but I’m not the bad guy.”

Carlos wasn’t afraid of his father anymore, not more than the shadow of fear that sometimes crept up on him with memory. There was part of him that still wanted to cower and try to please his dad so he could get his father’s love, but he had to stay strong and remember that Gabriel Reyes was never going to give him what he wanted. He wasn't going to go back down that spiral. “Who is the villain, Dad. You’re the one who belittled me for years and manipulated me into doing what you wanted.” He kept his voice hushed to avoid disturbing T.K., but he knew that his dad could hear the venom in his voice.

“You haven’t heard what I wanted, but you’re dredging up all the ways I ruined your life.” His dad used his conman voice, the one he always used when he was desperately striving for Carlos’ loyalty. “You forget all the things that I did for you, like making sure food was on the table, and a roof was over your head.” The classic guilt trip had once made Carlos feel guilt and shame, but he knew what manipulation looked like, and he’d worked through all that in his therapy sessions.

“You know what? I’m not listening to this. You’re not going to mess with my head and convince me that I’m somehow in the wrong. Goodbye, Dad. Don’t call again,” Carlos said before hanging up the phone. He didn’t need to listen to his father’s manipulative response to know what he would’ve said. He’d heard it a million times.

Carlos laid back on the couch, staring at the bus ceiling, defeated. He wiped his eyes before the tears could fall, and he remembered how his dad always used to say he was too sensitive to make it in the real world and that he needed to toughen up. Maybe he was sensitive, but at least he wasn’t an insensitive asshole who no one genuinely loved.

He put a hand over his head and tried to tune out the overwhelming feelings. Why does he keep making me feel this way? There’s a reason I kept him out of my life, and it needs to stay that way. I need to talk to Lola and talk to her about giving him my number. That shouldn’t have happened. If he keeps bothering me, I might have to change my number. Before he could contemplate further, a weight settled at the end of the couch by Carlos’ feet. “Are you okay?” T.K. asked.

“Sorry I woke you,” Carlos said, not lifting his head to look at T.K. I’m such a loser.

“I can’t sleep, anyway.”

“How much did you hear?” No matter how quiet Carlos had tried to be, they were still on a bus, and the sound carried through the curtains splitting the sections.

Carlos lifted his head enough to see T.K. shrug. “Not much. I had my noise-canceling headphones on, but you sounded upset, so I thought you might want company.” I love this man, the thought flashed through Carlos’ mind before he could be consciously aware of it.

“They aren’t very good at noise-canceling, are they?” Carlos tried to joke, but his voice was flat, and T.K.’s eyes darkened. I can’t even pretend that I’m halfway okay.

“I guess not,” T.K. said evenly. “Do you want to talk about it?”

The conversation felt oddly reminiscent of the one he’d had earlier with T.K. “My dad called.”

“You don’t get along, right?” T.K.’s words were cautious.

“That’s an understatement. We don’t talk. I wouldn’t have answered if I knew it was him.”Carlos knew dad-talk was hard for T.K., so he proceeded carefully. “Not all dads are heroes. Mine is the opposite of a hero.”

“What is yours?”

“A nasty bastard, a cheat, and a con artist.” And that’s to put it nicely. “He’s a slimy coward who will use anyone he meets for his own selfish purposes.”

“I hate him already.” T.K.’s face grew dark. “Did he hurt you?” T.K. rolled his lip inward. “You don’t have to answer.”

“It’s okay. He never hit me or anything.” But he messed with my head, and he made me think that I could never be good enough. He made my relationship with my sister tense because she can’t understand why I can’t talk to him. She’s still falling for his dastardly tricks. Those tricks are probably how he got my number.

“I didn’t ask if he hit you.”

“He hurts everyone who gets close, so I don’t take it personally.”

“Hurt is always personal,” T.K. said, the pain on Carlos’ face all he needed to know. “I’m sorry.”

“My dad said never apologize for bastards. It’s the only thing he got right.”

“What did he want?”

“Nothing good. I hung up before he could say too much.”

“That’s probably for the best.”

“I think so.” Carlos shrugged. “I don’t think knowing what he wanted would have made me feel better.”

“You mentioned once that you missed him sometimes. Are you missing him now?”

“You remember that?” Carlos looked surprised. “No, I’m not missing him. I’m missing a version of him that only ever existed in my wishes.”

“I get it. The things I miss most about my dad are the things we’ll never get to have—imagined wedding days and playing with my kids. Things like that.”

“Yeah, I used to want him to change so badly. I wanted a normal dad. I thought that if I could be everything he wanted in a son, that somehow that would be enough. But it never was. He only cared about how much I could do for him. He still only calls me when he needs a favor.”

“Did he say what he needed?”

“I don’t know. We didn’t get that far. Probably money. Or he wants me to call in a favor.”

“That sucks.”

“I’m used to it. It’s been years since we’ve talked, so I don’t have to deal with him normally.”

“He’s probably dying,” T.K. said with a sympathetic voice. Carlos hadn’t thought of that. Perhaps, he was dying. He probably wants me to give him an organ. But what if he really was dying? Would Carlos have wanted to talk to him then?

The thought sent a traitorous blast of sadness through Carlos. “I don’t think so. He would have started with that and would have gone straight into the guilt trip.”

“Why else would he call after so long? I’m not saying to make amends with that asshole or anything, but it’s something to consider.”

“I don’t care if he’s dying.”

“Maybe you don’t want to care,” T.K. pointed out. “But you wouldn’t have that look on your face if you really didn’t.”

Carlos had been caught, and he didn’t have the energy to keep denying the truth. “Good bullshit meter.” Carlos yawned. The call left him confused and depleted.

T.K.

T.K.’s bullshit meter was finicky at best, but Carlos was easy to read. “Not really. I just know you, Carlos. You’ve got the world’s biggest heart.” I should know. He’s found a way to like me.

“I don’t know about that.”

T.K. imagined kissing Carlos’ chest to impress the answer right where it mattered, but he settled for mere words because anything more could only live in frivolous daydreams.“I do.” Carlos looked so forlorn that T.K. couldn’t resist something more physical. Kisses were out, but friends could comfort each other without it being weird. “Let me help.”

“Help?” T.K. nodded and pulled his body up the couch so that he could squeeze himself closer to Carlos. “What are you doing?” Carlos asked with a bemused expression, but he scooted his body over to make more room for T.K. to fit in the sliver of space next to Carlos.

“Reminding that you aren’t alone.” An insecure pang struck T.K. Maybe he was going about this wrong. “This isn’t weird, is it?”

Carlos inhaled. He thought for a few beats and then shook his head. “It’s nice.”

“Sometimes, you just need to be close to someone, you know?” T.K. reassured. “It doesn’t have to be anything more than a friend giving another friend comfort.”

“You’re practically on top of me,” Carlos laughed.

“I can move,” T.K. said, voice sinking. Am I making a fool of himself? Can he tell that I think about him in ways I shouldn’t? Does he see that I more than like him? T.K. felt like a little boy with a schoolyard crush. It would never amount to anything, but the mere thought delighted him. Maybe I just like that he’s good to me. Is someone nice to me all it takes for me to fall in love? Am I that pathetic? But he knew it was more than that. Something about Carlos made him feel more secure than he ever had, and it wasn’t related to Carlos being his bodyguard.

As he shifted to get up, Carlos grabbed his arm and turned onto his side, pulling T.K.’s back against his chest. T.K. memorized the exuberant feeling of being so close to Carlos because he didn’t know when it would end. “Don’t. It’s been a while since I’ve had anyone to hold.”

“You can’t tell me that the whole crew isn’t all over you.” T.K. said with a grin. “That cute smile and those cow eyes.”

“Cow eyes?” Carlos asked, indignant, and T.K.’s chest bloomed with warmth.

“They’re adorable.” T.K. was weak to those eyes, as anyone would rightfully be.

Carlos rolled his eyes. “Don’t ruin the moment, my little teddy bear,” Carlos teased.

“Carlos!” T.K. blushed.

“Now you know how it feels.”

“I was complimenting you.” Carlos made T.K. feel safe, and T.K. wanted to make Carlos feel safe too.

A moment passed, a snug, easy moment. “Thank you, T.K.,” Carlos said so sincerely that T.K. thought he might melt. He turned over so that he was facing Carlos; their bodies were pressed close, and together they were warm and strong. He held eye contact, testing if he could make Carlos look away with his intensity, but Carlos didn’t look away.

“Thanks for what? Comparing you to a cow?”

Carlos laughed, shaking his head. “For being here.”

“We’re on a bus. There aren’t many places I can go. Besides, you’re literally here for me all the time.”

“It’s my job,” Carlos brushed the comment off, as he often did when T.K. became too praising of Carlos’ efforts.

“You made a list of the best bakeries in the country and make the bus driver when we pass one so you can get me doughnuts.”

“He doesn’t mind. I feed him doughnuts for his troubles.” Carlos shrugged. “I like doughnuts too.” Carlos yawned again.

“But you get them for me.”

“Friends give friends doughnuts.”

“Yeah,” Carlos said drowsily. T.K. said nothing until he felt Carlos’ breaths evening.

“I love doughnuts,” T.K. whispered to check if Carlos was sleeping. “I love you,” T.K. said, his heart fluttering with the admission. He laughed to himself. Even as Carlos let out soft snores, chest rising and falling evenly with the rhythm of sleep, the words were hard to say, but he meant each one of them.

#holding out for a hero #911 lone star #911 lone star fic #my fics #elise writes #wip

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hetalia-reacts · 4 years ago

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So it's been 2 weeks has passed and the darling hasn't reacted to the punishments the Allies has been giving them, and if anything has been ignoring them ( basically any punishment the boys throw at them has no effect ). Another 2 weeks has passed, but to the boys surprise this seems to get a new reaction out of the darling. With every passing day the boys goes out an kills innocent people( y'know to pile more work on the darling ); and the more people they kill the more panicky, agitated, worried, and scared the darling becomes. The darling keeps pleading them to stop and let them do their job, warning them if they don't stop they'll regret it. The boys doesn't listen, if anything they'll relish in the feeling. One of world most powerful creature is finally submitting to them. How delicious, yet pathetic. It's been 4 days since then, and darling still pleads and begs them to stop and let them go. Around this time the boys are just getting home and is about to go check on their darling. But then they stop when they heard some muffled voices in the darling's room. Did the darling somehow contact someone to help her escape!!! And to think they was about to let her off of punishment! Well I guess that won't be happening any time soon. When to boys got to the room; the darling was on their knees and it looked like they were praying, and on in the center of the room was a very bright light and. The boys couldn't believe it, it was.... God. The darling was constantly apologizing about how they could let all of this happen and how the regretting meeting the boys in the first place. God has forgiven the darling and said it wasn't their fault. God has broken their remaining bounds the darling had around their hands and feet. The darling wasted no time running out of the room and unleashing their beautiful black and white wings. But before they full ran out of the room, the darling gives them a pity yet angry glance. " I tried to warn you. I just hope when Grimmy ( it's the nickname for the grim reaper. The darling works very close with them and is extremely close with them ) get here, they'll go easy on you. " Then the darling flies away. Now that's left in room was the boys and God. God tells them what they did was unacceptable and that it doesn't matter that they love the darling to much, and that they darling plays a huge role between life, death, and the afterlife; and that they could of messed up something. And all the lives they took and the sins they've committed, He'll have to punish them. After when God said that, the boys help a uncomfortable chill ran down their spine. Then the room has gotten darker all of a sudden. Out of the corner of the boys eye they saw a skeleton hand reach into the corner of the door. Then the light flickered off for a second. The hand wasn't there anymore. But then the boys felt a presence behind them. Turning around they saw a 9 foot ( almost 10 foot ) tall skeleton looming over them, they were wearing a pitch black cloak in. It was the.Grim.Reaper. After that nothing can prepare them for what they boys went through, it was worse than literal hell. Let's just say the boys regret killing all those people and they did to the darling. ( This part 2 the Angle of Death ask ) Also this is what the darling looks like.

This is my OC. So minus the hair, eyes, face, body. I'll just leave it to the other readers imagination

I was unsure if this was an ask, like a part two for me to write, or simply just you explaining what happens next and what the reader is supposed to look like. So I'll do their reactions to getting punished and what their punishments are. Also, I summed up what you wrote in a more story-like format instead, I hope you don't mind! If you do let me know either through messages or through another ask and I'll delete what I wrote and simply leave your ask posted! Everything is below the cut due to length~

2 entire weeks have passed since the initial punishment. 2 weeks of no souls being taken care of. But that's okay, it doesn't affect you yet. You can handle this, you won't give them what they want: a reaction. They come down every day, bloodied with an innocent person's blood, but you won't say anything, won't react. This angers them. Another agonizing 2 weeks pass. They were getting tired of you not doing anything other than taking the food and water they gave to you. Today is different though. You're fidgety, feisty, and overall look terrified. They assume the punishment is working. They can't help but feel pride at watching you beg and cry for them to stop killing people, to let you at the very least reap their souls and come back. It's exhilarating, delectable. The power they feel bringing you, an Angel of Death, to such a state is a rush they could get addicted to. Your pathetic attempts to threaten them saying "something bad will happen if you don't stop this," were enjoyable to some degree as well. How sad their little caged Angel had become. 4 days later they come home, your voice seems to echo from where they left them. What happened? Who were you talking to? How did you contact someone? Regrettable that this happened, you were acting so good before this and he was honestly considering letting you out early for good behavior. He barges into the room where his darling is. You were praying to a bright light, a bright light that was near the center of the room. It appeared to be some entity. No, it wasn't just some entity, it was God himself. His darling was apologizing to him, saying you didn't mean to let this happen, sorry for not being strong enough to stop him, and the biggest stab to his heart, you were apologizing for even getting to know them in the first place. He watched as the chains released their holds on your ankles and wrists and you wasted no time in stretching out your gorgeous wings and walking towards an exit to the outside. You only turned to look at them for a second, deep sorrow and intense anger in your eyes. "I tried to warn you (___). I just hope Grimmy is able to show you some mercy when he gets here." You then flew away after that, leaving him alone with God. He looks disappointed, explaining that love won't be a good enough excuse to save him from his very own punishment. He had disrupted the work of Heaven and Hell, killed innocents simply out of spite, and he must atone for those crimes. God leaves in a flash of bright white, leaving him in a now dark room, a chill traveling up his spine as he soon feels a presence in the room. He catches the boney hand of something out of the corner of his eye. As he turns to see it clearly, he sees a giant skeleton draped in a black robe reach out a boney hand to take him. He has never been through a worse hell than this.

2p America (Allen)

Allen is regretful while he is taken to his punishment. He knows he deserves it, he went a little crazy from the power he had over you. And now that your gone, never to return to him, he feels like this is a just end to his empty life. His punishment is among the worst. The Grim Reaper makes Allen live out what he did to those innocent souls as well as suffer the same punishments he had ever given to you. He will eventually go mad, and if you were to spare him and see him, it would simply make him go deeper into insanity and depression.

2p Canada (Matt)

Out of all of them, he feels like he is the least deserving of this. He hadn't made you suffer, or kept you locked away. He may not have let you go far without him, but he didn't completely stop you from doing your job. I can see Matt being regretful, but not for long. Only for as long as he feels he really deserved. His punishment is by far the least painful. The Grim Reaper makes him suffer in a more creative way, he was to watch what could've been. As someone who was usually always gentle with you, it pains him to watch what his life could've been if he had just stayed patient and lenient.

2p England (Oliver)

Oliver is a tough one to crack in this case. He's already insane for the most part so nothing really scares him while he is being taken to his punishment. Oliver also really can't see what he's done wrong. He isn't regretful for what he did, at least not to those people. His punishment is hard to decide. In the end, Oliver is tortured by leaving him alone. He will wait for eternity alone, no one to speak to, nothing to do, he will rot away forever until even his facade of sanity is no longer there to keep him company.

2p France (Francois)

Francois has no complaints. He figures this is just another bad thing to add to his miserable existence. He's partially regretful for what he did to you. He knows he shouldn't have snapped at the end of the day and that getting a power trip wasn't like him and he should've caved sooner. However, in the end, he's still selfish and he figures you should've been careful, he did warn you about his dislikes after all. Francois's punishment is to take away his peace. He will be driven insane by noise. He's the only one to be let back out into the human world again. Francois is now constantly plagued by noise, and any vice or sin he commits (drinking, smoking, killing) the noise will only get louder.

2p Russia (Viktor)

Viktor is not at all regretful. He doesn't care at all. Viktor is one that would actively try to fight against The Grim Reaper. Of course, he fails at this. Viktor's punishment is similar to what he did to you. He is left alone with other punished souls in a type of confinement. Viktor will be subjected to years of push and pull tactics. He will come to fully rely on The Grim Reaper or whoever is watching over the souls, flushing his pride and intelligent mind down the drain.

2p China (Zao)

Zao is deeply regretful to some degree. He feels he disrespected you, your job, and your boss. This is something he never wanted to do as he honors respect deeply. On the other hand, he isn't regretful for punishing you, he still believes wholeheartedly that you deserved it, just maybe not to the degree he took it. Zao's punishment is similar to Viktor's. Zao has a deep sense of honor, of pride, and he is punished by spending eternity being taunted, teased, beaten, and spit on. This is another one where he would go absolutely insane and become a whole other person. If you ever took the time to see him you would not recognize the man in front of you, and he wouldn't recognize you either.

#2p america #2p canada #2p england #2p france #2p russia #2p china #hetalia #hetalia headcanons #hetalia reactions #hetalia scenarios

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gremlin-writes-angst · 4 years ago

Text

The Three Kingdoms

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

TW: Homophobia, internalized homophobia, implied transphobia(very brief), religious trauma

If I missed a trigger or if you spot a spelling mistake, please let me know. Feedback is encouraged.

Click here if you want to see more of my work and follow me for even more!

There was so much going on and yet it wasn't overwhelming, it was almost perfect. There were sounds of people happily chatting, wedding bells, and songs slightly louder played in the distance. The colorful glass from the church window shined on the people in the church. The church was packed for a royal wedding and at the altar, there was prince Kaminari but instead of a beautiful bride opposite him, there was a handsome knight from the enemy kingdom. The priest started the ceremony, the two grooms said their vows and kissed. It was anything less than magical. The priest began to announce the kingdoms’ new rulers.

"Lady's and Gent’s I introduce to you, your new Kings. King Denki Kaminari and King Eijiro Kiris--"

Before the priest finished his announcement the large church doors were opened and the...priest who was previously standing next to the kings, had teleported to the church’s entrance.

" I will not follow the rule of sinners like you"

Suddenly all the happy wedding goers disappeared and reappeared behind the angry priest, joining him in ridiculing of the two kings

"We will not follow the devil"

"Our prince has been tainted by the devil"

The priest raises his hand and the crowd quiets down, Denki questions the priest

"What are you doing? You were just announcing us as the new kings and know you're over there protesting our marriage? YOU’RE THE MARRIAGE OFFICIANT?"

The priest ignored his King’s questions.

" Denki listen to me, the thing you married is the devil, he used his powers to make you believe you love him, but I know that you could never fall for another man. I can help you, just come to my side and I can exorcise that demon."

The priest offers his hand out, then the rest of the people behind him do the same.

" Denki, they're lying, you know that they are trying to get in your head. I do love and you love me."

Kirishima stood closer to Denki, also offering his hand to Denki. Denki looked between the two choices, he looks at the priest’s group, he sees his friends and family inside the crowd, telling him that the love of his life is the devil and he knows that they'll leave him if he stays with Kirishima. Could they be right? Did he love Kirishima, or was it just a trick? He meant every word of what he said in his vows, he spent days on his vows, he wanted to make sure Kirishima knew how much he loved him. So they were wrong, he did love Kirishima, their love for each other was no trick. But if he chooses Kirishima he’ll lose all his friends, family, and his whole kingdom. Denki stressed over who to choose, the mob became louder and more aggressive while he thought but before he could make a choice, Denki woke up.

A dream? A nightmare? Why was I getting married, to a man, to a knight from the enemy kingdom? Why was I married to Eijiro Kirishima? It was a stupid dream, I would never marry a man, the kingdom was right, Eijiro Kirishima was the devil, the dream must be a warning to avoid the knight in the cellar. It can't be that hard, he’s just in the cellar that's in the basement dungeon, the key to said dungeon door was on the wall and the guard was always asleep. Ok, this was going to be hard, it's just too easy not to visit the Red Riot.

The day goes by quickly, but then night falls and I remember how easy it is to get to the cellar, how my dream is just a dream. How handsome the knight is. How sweet his voice is. How he waits up for me. How he stopped me from hitting my head. Before I knew it I was in front of the dungeon door with the keys in hand, but the thought of losing everything I know stopped me from going down. I silently returned the keys and went back to my room and slept, the dream repeated that night, and yet the pressure to choose felt even more stressful.

It was dusk again, I don’t remember the hours before now, but I was back at the door with the keys. I stand there for a while until eventually, I think

“It was just a dream.”

So I unlock the door and descend down the stairs. Every step I take makes me more anxious, I repeat to myself that it was just a dream, my friends won’t leave me, I won’t be banished. I mean it doesn’t even make sense, I would never marry a guy, especially that brute in our dungeon, I barely even know him, and it's sinful.

“Then why are you going to see him?”

It’s a question in the back of my mind, and I don’t have an answer. It’s definitely not because he has a smooth husky voice or his muscular body, and it has nothing to do with his caring words that match his action. I am broken from my thoughts when said husky voice speaks

“If you keep walking you’ll end up hitting the wall”

I must have been so caught in thought because he was right, I walked right past him and was about to walk into the wall. I stay facing this wall, I wasn’t ready to face him, I mean I married him twice in my dreams, it is disgusting.

“Thanks, I guess”

“ No problem but are you going to turn around, I mean it’s kind of weird talking to the back of your head, especially when the front is so beautiful.”

I forget about the dream and why I was reluctant to turn around and l whip my body around and march towards his cell while accusing him of my dream.

“It’s your fault, you’re the reason, I’m not the evil one, it’s because you’re the devil. You sit there and you spew compliments at me, another man, from a rivaling kingdom, such words should be said to a woman!”

“ Sorry if I offended you, I was just telling the truth and if it makes you uncomfortable, I’ll stop but I thought it was mutual” “What in the hell gave you that idea”

“uh the lustful gaze you keep giving me”

“Lus-lustful gaze, I do no such thing, and especially not to you”

“So then what was that look on your face when you heard my voice, why did you constantly look at my arms like they were turkey legs”

“ it -it - it was ugggg”

“Because that’s the same look the women give me…which is unfortunate for them because I’ve only ever looked at men with such a gaze.”

“ But that’s sinful, you are tainted, I should leave and never return.”

I walk to the stairwell with the full intent of doing what I just said.

“That won’t stop the feelings you are having”

I turn back around, full of frustration, I reach through the bars and pull the hunk closer to me.

“Then take your stupid spell off, I can-cant be . . . I can’t be like you, I just can’t, you understand right. Even as the devil you have to understand what this will do to me, I don’t deserve that, I don’t want god to hate me or my family or friends. I deserve to love who I want without feeling like the worst human in existence!”

I pause and quickly whip the tears off my face. I look up at the knight, his face is full of sorrow, he looks sad . . . for me. I let go and fall to my knees, replay what I said, I try to find justification for it, I think of the dream. I was happy, I was loved and I was loving someone else. What if I am like the knight? The knight leans down

“ I can’t say I understand the mental fight that’s happening in your brain because I came from a palace where this wasn’t something I need to worry about but listen.”

The knight’s hand slowly reaches for my chin, his hands are calloused like most knights, yet his hands are still comfortable and somehow soft. I let him lift my chin up so I’m looking into his eyes, there like rubies, or sapphires

“Or like the pits of hell”

I ignore the thought and continue to stare into the knight’s eyes as he tries to comfort me.

“ The person you love isn’t a choice, it’s fate, and if God hates you for what you can’t control, then he isn’t manly nor does he deserve such a title. Hate is a choice, love isn’t.”

I get lost in his eyes for a little bit, but when I realize it I turn away, a little more aggressively than I wanted to. I move away and take a seat on the bench that is meant for the guards, I don’t want to leave but I can’t find it in me to talk, even though I hate the silence. I sit there staring at the ground feeling awkward, the knight must have felt the same way about silence because he started talking.

“ um back at my kingdom, the Toyomitsu kingdom, there real accepting of such things, like I’m our queen was born a prince”

I’ve heard of a man loving a man or woman loving a woman but this wasn’t something I had heard of. With my eyes still planted to the ground, I asked.

“ What does that mean?”

I could hear shifting from the cell but I refused to lookup

“Oh uh sorry, I forget that our kingdom is more progressive and more diverse. So basically our queen was born like us, she had our body parts, but she wasn’t.”

“I still don’t understand”

“Ugg this is hard, so she felt like her brain and body weren’t the same, like her brain said, ‘Your a girl’ but her body parts were male parts.”

“So she is a girl but had a body similar to ours”

“ Yeah exactly, but she’s better at explaining it because, well she lives through it.”

“ So she’s your queen, what about children, whos going to take over the throne”

“ Oh her and the king have a kid, he’s just adopted but he’s still their son and still the rightful prince, he's gonna be a great king. Oh, anyways I was gonna say that our kingdom is really accepting and if you need they’ll probably let you in if you ever wanted to leave here.”

In shock, I lift my head for the first time since I sat on this bench

“Even though I'm the prince of the rival kingdom?”

“ We don’t care that much about this rivalry. So yeah you would be fine”

“ If they don’t care why are you here?”

“ Well because our kingdom is so diverse and recently outside kingdoms have discovered that the queen is trans, which is the term for that situation, by the way, I think I forgot to mention that. Anyway, the King is worried about future attack’s so he sent out multiple knights to different kingdoms.”

“Oh so we’re not your only threat”

“Your not even a threat, your kingdom is crumbling”

“Oh wow thanks, I’ll remember that when I become king.”

“ You mean IF you become king”

“What is that suppose to mean ‘Red Riot’”

For the rest of the night, I joked and listened to Kirishima’s stories. I wish to see his home kingdom one day it sounds pretty cool. Before I knew it I was asleep and having another dream. It was different, there were no choices or stress. It was just Kirishima and me out on a hill having a picnic, eating food together, he fed me strawberries and the dream ended with a kiss, maybe falling for the knight wouldn’t be such a bad idea. Maybe my wedding dream was a warning about my kingdom and not Kirishima. I woke up and realized I was still in the dungeon, and that it was almost time for the guards check up on Kirishima, so I started to sneak back up to my room, I successfully avoided the guards on my way there, I acted as if nothing happened, I’m a pretty good actor if I do say so myself.

In the king’s throne room, a royal knight is kneeling before his king, he comes with important information.

“Lord Kaminari, I found the dungeon door unlocked and the keys on the guard bench this morning”

“ Well don’t leave them there”

“ I didn’t sir, I believe someone is sneaking into the dungeon at night.”

“ How would that be possible, we have Shinsou guarding the keys at night?”

“ I believe that he may have fallen asleep on duty.”

“ Well we can’t afford to get new guards or to switch any of the guard’s jobs, just move the keys to a new location along with Shinsou, Shinsou will continue to guard them. I want you to keep an eye out for anything suspicious.”

“Yes Sir”

“You are now dismissed Monoma.”

All characters belong to Horikoshi and his series Boku No Hero Academia

#mha #denki kaminari #bnha kaminari #eijiro kirishima #kirishima eijirou #kamikiri #kirikami #shinmono #shinsou hitoshi #hitoshi shinsou #monoma neito #the3kingdoms #fanfic #fatgum mha #taishiro toyomitsu

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dalgikiss · 5 years ago

Text

Catch-22 // h. iwaizumi

index

part 15

You don’t show up for class the next day or the day after that and the day after that. Iwaizumi wonders if you’re avoiding him, too scared to ask his friends where you might have gone.

He wonders if you told them what happened but judging by their normal behavior and ordinary teases, it’s safe to say that you had kept your mouth quiet.

Not even the teachers seem to question your disappearance, teaching the classes the same way they always have- quick and concise. As though it wants to test how long Iwaizumi can be patient, the universe tells your teacher to switch around the seats one more time, for the sake of feng shui, she tells you all and puts you near the windows on the other side of the classroom while Iwaizumi sits all the way in the back, closest to the back door.

The space that separates the two of you is only a few meters but it feels like it’s much more.

You know you look worse for wear, puffy eyes and red nose.

You’re pretty sure with every moment you sit in this stuffy lecture hall, more and more people give you pitiful or strange looks. You rub your head, mussing up your hair even more so and slump far down in your seat.

Stupid, dumb, idiot Iwaizumi

If you fucked up your entrance exam results, you would blame it all on him

The professor at the front of the room clears her throat, effectively silencing the room and you rearrange the writing utensils on your desk in front of you.

“You have three hours once this exam starts. If you have finished before time is up, please come up to the front of the room with your exam paper and test ID”

The exam paper sits in front of your desk, the words HITOTSUBASHI UNIVERSITY written on the cover page, loud and bold. You swallow nervously at the sight.

The professor glances at the clock, setting the timer so it’s been projected onto the screen in front of you. With one final look to check everything was working, she clapped her hands twice.

“You may now begin”

“Why are you following me home?”

Iwaizumi’s eyebrow twitches when Oikawa walks next to him, swinging his arms back and forth without a care in the world as though he didn’t just walk past his block.

“I’m not following you home, Iwa-chan” The setter looks up at the sky, making motions as though he was setting a ball, “I’m going to cutie-chan’s house to water her plants and bring in their mail for the next few days”

They near your block, Iwaizumi blinking in surprise. “Where’d she go?”

“She didn’t tell you?”

“If I have to ask, obviously not dumbass” Iwaizumi snaps, hiding his embarrassment behind rough words and Oikawa sticks his tongue out in response, dodging when Iwaizumi tries to kick him.

“Well, she always did like me more, it only makes sense that she’d tell me and not you”

Iwaizumi raises his fist threateningly but Oikawa doesn’t bother to pretend to hide from it. “She’s taking her entrance exam for Hitotsubashi University. Her family’s in Tokyo for her brother’s judo tournament so she’s going to spend a few days with them before coming back”

Oikawa bends close to Iwaizumi’s face with a knowing grin, “Why? You miss her or something?” and Iwaizumi pushes his face away from him pretending to be annoyed but Oikawa already knows the answer and lets himself be flung far away.

“Wanna come with? It’ll be faster if we both were there”

When Iwaizumi hesitates, Oikawa glances at him before putting his arms around the back of his head. “She won’t mind, if that’s what you’re wondering”

He pretends to be annoyed at his old friend, face setting into a scowl and he takes his bag to whack Oikawa in the back with it. He’ll never say it out loud, but Oikawa always did know him like the back of his hand.

The rest of the walk is silent, Iwaizumi gripping the straps of his bag in hopes of calming himself down. You wouldn’t be there, he tells himself, you’re not there and he’s only going to make sure Oikawa doesn’t magically end up burning down your house somehow or creating a hole in your bedroom wall.

However the silence is short lived.

“Why didn’t she tell you?” Oikawa wonders aloud, watching Iwaizumi tighten his grip from the corner of his eye, “Is it because you’re ugly? That’s never stopped her before though”

Iwaizumi wonders if Oikawa practices how to annoy people in his spare time.

“We got into an argument a few days ago, guess that’s why she never told me”

“Ah, so it’s your fault as usual”

They stop in front of your front door and Iwaizumi resists the urge to take the skateboard your brother has left out on the porch and smack it into Oikawa’s face. Oikawa peers into your mailbox, a large hand reaching inside to grab a bundle of mail while Iwaizumi glanced around before crouching over to reach inside the bucket of beer bottle caps, sifting it around to find your spare key.

“Man, you come here too often to know where the spare key is” Oikawa teases as Iwaizumi sticks the key into lock

“Shut up, don’t act like you didn’t know where it was”

Your house looks just the same as he remembers, albeit a bit messier since you had been rushing to pack for your miniature trip, evidence of it in forms of various jackets strewn around in random places and the mismatched pairs of shoes around the entrance.

Oikawa set down the mail on your kitchen table, shaking his head when he saw the dishes in the sink, reprimanding you for not cleaning up and instructing Iwaizumi to begin watering the plants while he cleaned up your mess.

“Why’d you two fight?” Oikawa asks out of the blue, startling Iwaizumi

Iwaizumi let out a wry laugh “and here i was thinking about how nice it was in our relationship that we’ve reached a point where we didn’t have to talk all the time”

“Do you wanna hear my theory about how aliens are actually observing us through pigeons? If you think about it, you never see the same pigeon twice and what does a baby pigeon look like? You don’t know because you’ve never seen one, so my theory is-”

“Alright alright, I get it, shut the fuck up”

Oikawa beams proudly, hand quivering slightly under the weight of the heavy cup he was using to water the plants

“I said some stuff to her about Ryuoko” He admits defeatedly, watching the dirt of the aloe plant take in water “Might have told her she was attention needy”

“You did what? I can’t believe you said that to our precious baby- oh man, she’s definitely really upset”

Iwaizumi stared at Oikawa, long and hard, who stared right back.

“She definitely told you, why are you playing dumb?”

Oikawa doesn’t bother to fight back against the accusation, only turning back to water the Chinese Evergreen plant that rested by the windowsill. “She didn’t tell me a thing” He says as the last drops of water were used, “She was crying”

Oikawa headed back to the kitchen to put away the cup he had been using, a hand taking the one that Iwaizumi grasped.

“It doesn’t take a genius to figure out why she’s upset, even when she doesn’t tell us”

You feel Iwaizumi’s stare before you can see him, uncomfortably shifting in your seat as you try to copy what is in your textbook.

Moving your seat away from him was a blessing in your favor, or so you thought. You had been relieved when you first heard about your new seating arrangement, no longer needing to feel on edge when Ryuoko walked in and being able to avoid talking to Iwaizumi after your fight was just a perk.

At least, it was until you couldn’t shake away this nagging feeling that Iwaizumi was constantly staring you down.

“He’s staring at you again”

You looked at your new seatmate, Kumatsuka Kirin who pointed towards the back of the room with her pen.

“I think it’s been the third time since this period started” She whispered, giving you a little grin, “I think he might liiiiiiikeee you” She drags the word out, rhythmically tapping her nose with her pen to a beat only she can hear.

You crinkle your nose, throwing your eraser at her. “He has a girlfriend”

“Just because there’s a goalie doesn’t mean you can’t score!”

She laughs at your expression, “I’m kidding, i’m kidding! Homewrecking is never the answer”

She winks at you, answering the question the teacher throws at her with ease and you marvel at her casual attitude.

“By the way,” She writes something in her notebook before holding it up so you could view it. “I’ve been keeping score of how many times he’s looked at you”

There’s a total of four tally marks from this period and a few more from the periods before.

“This is gonna be fun” She grins and you shake your head because no this is not fun

You’ve been getting better at this avoiding-Iwaizumi game, taking it one step further to even avoid the rest of the third years as well, an unintended side effect that Iwaizumi now bears the consequences of every time Oikawa decides to open his mouth and complain about your missing presence with passive aggressive words and pointed looks.

“Maaaaaaaaaaan, things have been so quiet lately” Oikawa cries out, “I wonder why that is”

Iwaizumi pretends to not see the look that’s thrown his way, cursing under his breath when even Hanamaki and Matsukawa give him a certain look

Really guys?

“It sure feels like someone is missing, doesn’t it?”

Another pointed look at iwaizumi’s direction

He furrows his eyebrows at his friends, turning the corner sharply after their third jab at him. “Alright! I’ll apologize tomorrow. It’s just a bit hard when she keeps avoiding me”

His friends don’t seem the least sympathetic, Matsukawa only making use of the extra few inches he has on Iwaizumi to tower over him

“You have to atone for your sins”

‘What are you, some creepy priest? Stay away from me”

[Iwaizumi] [Hajime]:

are you home?

[Iwaizumi] [Hajime]:

i know you’re reading my messages

[Iwaizumi] [Hajime]:

cmon please answer

When your phone rings again, your brother looks up sharply from the kotatsu on the floor and angrily throws his eraser at you.

“If your phone goes off one more time, I’m throwing it out the window and then you’re going out after it” he threatens and you roll your eyes, sticking your tongue out at him. When he picks up your phone and makes a motion to chuck it out the window, you panic, tackling him into the ground.

“Okay, okay! Give me- Ow! Stop digging your knee into me!”

“Move, you’re too close to my- I SAID MOVE”

You snatch your phone out of his hand, hobbling away on one foot as he curled into a ball on the floor. “I’d say sorry but you deserved it”

Your phone lights up again with another message and you chew your lip before responding.

[Me]:

not home rn, why

[iwaizumi] [Hajime]:

oh nvm then, im outside ur door

The bubble tea he had been holding as a peace offering is starting to sweat in his hand, water droplets dampening the welcome mat he’s standing on. Hanamaki was right, he should’ve texted you before he walked all the way over.

[Surname] [Name]:

what why

[Me]:

wanted to talk to you

[Surname] [Name]:

lol i dont think we need to talk about anything. u said what u needed to say & i got the message loud and clear

He couldn’t even argue with her, sighing deeply through his nose. The rustling of a curtain caught his eye, blinking twice. Was someone else home?

[Iwaizumi] [Hajime]:

is someone else home?

Shit, you cursed underneath your breath, flattening yourself against the wall when he had turned his head towards you. He definitely saw the curtains moving back into place.

Your brother, who had finally sat up, watched you curiously, homework forgotten on the table. “You look stupid, who’s outside?”

“Haji”

“You don’t wanna let him in?”

“No”

He shrugs, none of his business why. “Well I have practice. What’s your plan of action from here?”

You give your brother an inquisitive look before narrowing your eyes. “You’re not gonna try and do anything?”

“Do my chores for the week and I’ll do anything you ask me to for today”

You decide you’ll take him on his offer, fully knowing it was because he was too lazy to vacuum and mop the floor.

“Tell him I’m not home when you go out”

He doesn’t seem bothered, picking up his duffel bag and slinging it onto his shoulder, giving you a thumbs up sign and then he’s left and you hear the jangling of his keys and then his voice floating in through your open window.

“Hey Iwaizumi”

Your brother closes the door behind him and Iwaizumi stares up blanky. He always forgot how big your brother was, tall and buff after years of working out accompanied with judo training.

“Iwaizumi?” Your brother waves a calloused hand in front of his face when he doesn’t respond, too caught up in his own world, “You there?”

“What? Yeah, sorry” Iwaizumi thrusts your bubble tea into your brother’s hands, who barely catches it in time before it hits the ground. “This is for your sister”

There’s an unreadable look in your brother’s eyes as he regards Iwaizumi, brown eyes studying him as though he’s become an opponent on the mat and if you were there, you’d tease him for thinking so hard, the vein in his forehead was beginning to pop out.

The gears in his head are turning ridiculously fast, putting two and two together- the way you were avoiding Iwaizumi, the look of guilt on Iwaizumi’s face, you two definitely had a fight. But, your brother, even though he annoys you to the very core of Earth and back is loyal to his family and his promises and doesn’t bring it up.

Before Iwaizumi can voice his discomfort over being scrutinized, your brother’s eyes relax and he nods, turning around to put the drink on top of the shoe closet of your entrance way.

“You know she isn’t home right?” Your brother asks, beginning to walk towards the train station and Iwaizumi follows him quietly. “Is everything okay?”

“Huh? Yeah, everything’s fine” Iwaizumi bites on the inside of his cheek to distract himself to the growing feeling of guilt that’s settled itself nicely in the crevices of his body. The words you said to him sting like miniature paper cuts all over his body, each one amplified when he looks into your brother’s eyes, it reminded him too much of yours.

“You sure? You seem a little on edge”

“Nothing. We had a disagreement over something and we’ve both been busy. Haven’t seen her in a while”

The pieces click into place and your brother nods understandingly. “It’ll work out. She’s always been like that, she just needs to figure things out on her own and then come back to you”

Yeah, Iwaizumi knows

“You should still try to apologize though, we know how stubborn she is”

He knows that too

“Try calling her or texting her. She might cry if she sees you in person”

They stop at the end of the street, your brother waving his hand before they separate.

“Good luck Iwaizumi”

[Iwaizumi Hajime]:

I’m sorry

[iwaizumi] [Hajime]:

You probably don’t want to hear or see me rn

[iwaizumi] [Hajime]:

It’s fine tho, i just want to apologize about what I said the other day

[iwaizumi] [Hajime]:

I really don’t have an excuse for what I said and I hope you forgive me :/

You stare at your vibrating phone, watching the messages come in, one after another. The bubble tea he had bought you sat on the table, straw popped in and waiting to be drank. You stared longingly at the drink, battling yourself over wanting to drink it because yes, it is Jasmine milk tea with bubbles and grass jelly but no, he bought it and I’m angry at him

The petty side of you was definitely fighting a losing battle. Placing your mouth over the straw, the drink was just too good to be ignored, effectively helping you drown out the vehement shouts of anger inside your head for giving in so easily.

Of course you were angry at Iwaizumi, fuck him for saying such horrible things to you. You let the straw pop out of your mouth with a sigh, shoulders sagging at the reminder that of all the people you knew, it was Iwaizumi that had said those things to you.

It wasn’t your fault, you reminded yourself, not your fault

Why did you feel the need to apologize then?

Your phone rings with another message from Iwaizumi, your fingers gripping the side of your phone as you contemplated whether or not to text him back.

[iwaizumi] [Hajime]:

talk to me soon, miss you

[Iwaizumi] [Hajime]:

I really am sorry. Please forgive me when you’re ready

You were never really good at staying angry at him

[Me]:

yeah i know. focus on getting to nationals and we can talk after

#iwaizumi scenarios #iwaizumi fanfic #iwaizumi hajime #iwaizumi x reader #iwaizumi x you #iwaizumi hajime x reader #iwaizumi hajime x you #iwaizumi hajime imagine #hq #hq imagines #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu x you #haikyuu x y/n #hq iwaizumi #haikyuu!!

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thinkyoureholy · 5 years ago

Text

Vox Populi [5]

[kind of a chill/domestic chapter, nothing too out there happens but some conflict resolution. if all my stories resolved shit as fast as these two then the characters wouldn’t have to suffer so much lolololol]

Pairing : Park Seonghwa / [fem] Reader

Genre : Angst, Violence, Language, Fluff, Smut, Post Apocalypse/Dystopia! AU

Words : 4.3k

Previous Part. - Next Part.

⋘ ──── ∗ ⋅◈⋅ ∗ ──── ⋙

-Seonghwa’s P. O. V. -

We had all worked straight into the night, various members of our guard helping out as assistants to the small group of nurses and doctors we had. I was helping wherever I could or wherever I was needed. I had wanted to talk through everything with Y/N, from what happened back home to what happened when I arrived here but I haven’t really seen her around. We had a bit of a moment when I first saw her but I blew it by agreeing to her mother’s words. That’s a flaw of hers I wasn’t fond of. When I agreed with something she didn’t like she would get prissy about it but as much as that trait irritated me it made me love her even more. I loved her for all of her imperfections, those imperfections, though annoying at times, are what made me love her so much. I loved her fiery spirit. I loved how strong-willed she was. I loved how she stands up for what she believes in. I love how she sticks to her principles. I love her, everything about her, from her dazzling smile to the adorable pout she gives me when I tease her.

“My God, the look you have on your face right now is enough for me to gag.”

I snapped out of my stupor at the sound of his voice, my eyes taking in the grimace he wore, “Jealous?” I asked with a smirk playing at my lips.

He scoffed, taking a seat next to me and handing me a cup full of water, “As if. Love disgusts me and you just radiate the emotion whenever you have that look on your face. Tell me, is there ever a time when you’re not thinking about my captain?”

“Never.” I answered without hesitation, my smirk turning into a full blown grin.

He audibly gagged at the sight of my smile, covering his mouth dramatically, “Disgusting.”

I chuckled at his actions, nudging him softly with my shoulder, “You can’t say love is disgusting if you yourself are in fact, in love. And with someone just as infuriating might I add.”

He shuddered playfully but failed to hide the smile that had the ends of his lips curling upwards, “Ugh, don’t even mention it. I can’t believe it either. And with Fernandez too! I’m surprised I haven’t gone insane yet.”

“Judging by your behavior I’d have to say you’re already pretty insane.” I said in a soft voice, knowing how he felt.

Yunho and Lucia had known each other roughly for the same amount of time Y/N and I had known each other but they got together later than we did. Those two would butt heads constantly. They were like fire and ice, Yunho’s personality burned so hot it was overwhelming at times and Lucia was so cold at times I felt like I needed to atone for every sin I’ve ever committed just from looking into her eyes.

“She keeps me on my toes, I can tell you that.” He chuckled softly, the grin he was trying to hide earlier on full display now, “Sucks that she outranks me though, uses that to shut me up sometimes. Anyway! Enough about me. You had this lovestruck look on your face earlier but I could also see the conflicting emotions in your eyes. What’s wrong?”

I hesitated, looking down at the water that sat at the bottom of my cup, “Y/N and I have gotten into a few arguments over the last few days.”

He paused for a moment, giving me a blank faced stare before speaking, “So you disagreed with her on something and she’s throwing a tantrum is what you’re telling me?”

I coughed out a chuckle at his tone of voice but shook my head, “No...well not exactly…” I trailed off as I thought back to the conversation we had just before she left Liszto to come here, “This new thing is about me agreeing with her mom and scolding her but I think what’s really bothering her is the things I said to her back home. I may have brought up Nikolai’s feelings for her and how uncomfortable it made me having the two of them come out here, just the two of them.”

Yunho heaved out a heavy sigh, combing his hair back and out of his face as what I said to him set in, “I get where you’re coming from.” He paused, furrowing his brow, “But I don’t see why you’re so worried. It's no secret to the rest of us that the Major has feelings for the Captain, we all see the way Nikolai looks at her, we actually tease him about it. But I can tell you with certainty that his love is unrequited. The only look I see in Y/N’s eyes when she looks at him is a look of fondness, the same type of look you’d see a sibling give to an older one they adored.”

I bowed my head when he finished. I know I had stepped over the line but I couldn’t help but worry. Nikolai has shown me time and time again that he’s capable of taking her away from me. He goes out of his way to make me jealous and it infuriates me that he succeeds every time but I can’t just ignore how in love he is with her. Y/N has told me time and time again that he would never try anything while she and I were in a relationship but I couldn’t help but feel uneasy.

“Just get out of your head for a bit, genius engineer,” Yunho said with a soft smile, patting my shoulder, “Don’t doubt her love and loyalty to you. She loves you and only you. Hate that bastard Volkov all you want, shit, I’d pay you to ruin that pretty little face of his. That asshole needs someone to hand his ass back to him on a silver platter.”

I didn’t bother giving him a response, thinking everything he said over in my head. My head felt like it was about ready to explode the longer I thought about it. I could deal with numbers, complicated equations and strategize all while keeping my eyes closed but the moment it came to Y/N my head felt emptier than it's ever been. With a sigh I finished off the last bit of my water and handed the cup back to Yunho, adjusting the strap of the rifle that hung from my shoulder.

“I’m gonna head out, patrol around the perimeter or guard the entrance, anything really.” I told him, my mind a jumbled mess as I pulled a pair of finger-less gloves out of my pocket and slipped them on, “I’m in serious need of some fresh air,” Yunho didn’t try and stop me, only offering me a nod of his head as he lifted his index and middle finger up to his head and gave me a mock salute.

I patted myself down to check for extra magazines as I walked. I had one already in my rifle and felt an extra one in my left pocket. I wasn’t really expecting to actually use my rifle but I’d rather be safe than sorry, I didn’t know what kind of mutated animals were running around out here. As I got to the gates I was able to make out a familiar head of red hair, groaning at the sight. I must’ve groaned pretty loudly or he just had superb hearing. Nikolai turned around, along with Imlay who was standing next to him, Nikolai meeting my gaze. I gave him a blank look before diverting my eyes as I walked right past them.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

I instinctively set my jaw at the sound of his voice, clutching onto the strap of my rifle tightly. I stopped in my tracks but didn’t bother turning around to look at him, knowing the look on his face would just piss me off, “On patrol.”

“For what? There aren’t any hostiles around so there’s no need to check the perimeter.” He said, his voice sounding closer than before.

Inhaled sharply before turning around to finally look at him, seeing that he had taken several steps towards me, “Look, I just need to clear my head and the only way I can do that is if I take a little walk alright?”

“Maybe you’d clear your head faster if you just talked things out with Y/N instead of running away like you always do.” He spat out, the fire in his eyes igniting my own.

“I’m getting real tired of your nose in shit it doesn’t belong, Nikolai. The only reason I’ve tolerated you this long is because of Y/N but you’re starting to push your fucking luck with me.” I all but growled out as I marched over to him.

Just as I was about to get in his face Imlay stepped out in between us. He had a nervous smile on his lips as he put his hands out in front of us, stopping us from getting any closer, “Hey...c’mon, we don’t need any of this. We have our hands full enough as it is treating the infected, we don’t need to be pulling the two of you off each other every time one of you looks at the other the wrong way,” He paused to make sure neither of us was going to start throwing punches before he addressed Nikolai, “Nik...just let him go. He’s not bothering anyone and the only one that would be in danger out there would be him and I’m sure he knows that. He won’t be causing any harm by patrolling.”

I looked past him to glare at Nikolai, a glare of his own on his face, “Continue to push my buttons and just watch what happens, Nikolai. There’s only so many times I’ll let your bullshit slide,” I warned, looking him up and down with distaste before muttering under my breath but made sure I spoke loud enough for him to hear me but I doubt he’d understand, “개새끼.”

I gave him one last look before turning on my heel and walked away. Not only was I trying to figure out how best to apologize to Y/N and work things out with her that asshole just had to piss me off.

-Y/N’s P.O.V-

I stretched my arms up high into the night sky, a heavy sigh leaving my lips as I stood to my full height. I gave the man one last look before leaving his tent. I made my way over to where our medical team had set up, my eyes darting around as I searched for a certain someone. Now should be as good a time as any to talk things out with Seonghwa. I didn’t want this to go on for any longer, I hated fighting with him. I closed my eyes a moment as I pulled off my gloves, thinking of what to say to him. I was still in deep thought when I made it inside the medical tent, heading straight for the bin of clean water that was at the far back of the tent. I turned the handle and watched the water flow for a second before I filled up a bowl with the water.

“Sup Cap.”

I looked up at the sound of his voice, a frown on my face at his choice of words, “Cap?” I asked, prompting him with a raised brow to elaborate on the nickname he’s given me, his superior might I add but he didn’t seem to notice the look I was giving him. Yunho simply grinned at him, the look on his face enough for me to let this slide, for now at least. I was never really one to enforce rules like addressing each other by our proper titles but something about the way he said it didn’t sit well with me. It could’ve been the smug and teasing look in his eyes or just because I wasn’t really in the mood for jokes, either way I let it go at the sight of his smile.

“Is there something I can do for you?” I asked when he didn’t say anything after his greeting.

His grin grew wider as he opened his mouth to speak but before he could get a word out a female voice cut him off, “What are you doing bothering the Captain?”

My gaze went to Lucia as she walked over to us, the teasing look in Yunho’s eyes turned into mischief, “I’m not bothering her.”

“Uh-huh. That look on your face is enough to tell me you’re up to no good...as usual.” She retorted, giving him a look before turning to face me and saluting me properly.

I raised a hand to indicate she didn’t need to be too formal. She stood at ease in front of me, keeping an eye on Yunho the whole time. I took this time to ask her a few questions.

“How are things with the others? Going smoothly I hope.”

She nodded, giving me an overview of today’s events. Beside Nikki and I, Fernandez was the highest ranking officer among the members of the guard that arrived. She was one of three Lieutenants we had, Abebe and Nobuhiko having stayed behind with my father and a few of the other higher ranking officers. I had noticed almost immediately that the ones that had come were mostly new recruits, privates of all ranks were most of the faces I had seen. Lucia gave me a full report of what the other members of the guard had been doing since they arrived. As she spoke I couldn’t help but let my eyes wander, looking for a familiar head of black hair.

“If you’re looking for Seonghwa he went out for a little walk awhile ago.” Yunho said, interrupting Lucia’s report.

She was about to scold him for interrupting her but before she could I spoke, “Did he say where he was going?”

“I think he said he was going to stand watch at the gate or patrol the perimeter.” He said with a knowing smile on his face.

I nodded at his words, ignoring the look he was giving me before addressing Lucia, “We’ll continue this later. Lucia, do me a favor and assign the others to check in on the sick every few hours. Give them rotating shifts so they can do it through the night and into morning,” I told her all this as I shook the water from my hands and left to try and catch up with Seonghwa.

The moment I left the tent I broke out into a jog, impatient to see Seonghwa. I had been avoiding him all day because I was stupid and liked to hold grudges for no reason. And now that I’ve gone hours without seeing him I was missing his face and the smile he would give me every time he looked at me. Just thinking about him had me breaking out into a full on run, seeing Nikki on watch with Imlay. I came to a stop in front of the two, asking if they’ve seen Seonghwa.

“Yeah he-”

“If you’re just going to come back with that same look on your face you’ve had for the past few days then I suggest you turn back around.” Nikki said in a harsh tone.

I furrowed my brows in confusion, wondering where this sudden outburst came from but before I could question him Imlay spoke up, “Um, he went that way Captain. He looked like he was going through something, maybe he’ll cheer up once he sees you.”

My eyes darting from Imlay to Nikki then back to Imlay, nodding at his words with a grateful smile on my lips, “Thanks, Scott,” I then turned to Nikki, “I don’t know what’s gotten into you but let’s talk later alright?”

“You really have no idea what this is about?” He asked, stopping me in my tracks.

Again, my face showed confusion as he took a step towards me. What’s gotten into him? I was about to ask but just as I opened my mouth the sound of a rifle firing off in the distance cut through the quiet night. My face paled at the sound, pivoting on my foot as I looked out in the direction the shots came from. I searched the woods, my heart beating rapidly in my ears as I thought of who could’ve fired off those shots.

Please...please let me be wrong.

I turned back to Nikki and Imlay in a hurry, “Imlay give me your gun,” I rushed out but didn’t really give him a chance to hand it over as I basically took the rifle from his hands. Just as I was about to take off running I was cemented to my spot as I heard more gunfire, my breathing picking up speed as I thought of all the possibilities. Nikki began to speak but none of his words processed in my head, my legs finally moving as I bolted towards where I hoped to find Seonghwa.

“Seonghwa!?” I shouted, unable to stop myself from calling out his name so desperately.

I knew there was a chance, albeit a small chance, of him running into someone that was hostile towards the people of this small village or to him himself as the son of the leader of our city. I picked up the pace at the thought of something bad happening to him. Just as I was drowning in these thoughts I was able to make out a figure not too far away. I squinted through the night, unable to make any of their features out. The height matched Seonghwa but that wasn’t much of a confirmation as I called out, praying it was him.

“Seonghwa? Is that you?” I asked as I came to a stop, inching towards them slowly.

I held onto my rifle tightly, ready to use it if it turned out not to be him. But I had no need to be so wary, my grip on my rifle disappeared completely when I heard his voice.

“Y/N? What are you doing out here?” He asked, coming forward so I could see him better.

I let out a sigh of relief, letting my rifle fall to the floor and make quick work to close the distance between us. I could see the confusion on his face mixed with a hint of concern but before he was able to voice any of his worries I threw my arms around his shoulders, bringing him into a tight embrace. I felt him go stiff in my hold for a second but he relaxed almost immediately, his arms instinctively wrapping around my waist. I clung onto him tightly, one of my hands clutching the fabric of his shirt tightly while the other made its way to the back of his head, my fingers weaving through his soft hair.

“Y/N…what’s wrong? You’re shaking…” Seonghwa trailed off as he tried to pull away from the hug, undoubtedly wanting to get a look at my face but I held onto him tighter, not letting go.

“She freaked out because of the gunfire...probably thought up some elaborate idea of you being ambushed which is absurd by the way. Besides Liszto and this village the next city is about a hundred miles out.” Nikki explained, sounding exasperated. A moment of silence passed through us until he spoke up again, “Though I myself probably wouldn’t have minded you being abducted…”

“Nikolai.” I all but growled out when he said that, my hold on Seonghwa loosened but as I was about to let go Seonghwa suddenly held me tighter.

“Did you already forget what I just told you, Volkov?” Seonghwa asked, a threatening tone in his voice.

I heard Nikki scoff from behind me, knowing he was rolling his eyes, “Yeah, yeah. I’ll believe you when you actually go through with your threats, Park. Now what were you shooting at?”

I finally pulled away from the hug, curious to know why he fired his rifle when there didn’t seem to be anything dangerous around. I took a small step to the side, intertwining my fingers with his and basically clung onto his arm. He looked over at me with a raised brow questioningly but the look in his eyes was a fond one as he gave my hand a squeeze, “There was a bear.”

“A bear? Really?” Nikki asked skeptically, not believing a word.

“See for yourself.” Seonghwa said with a sigh and gestured to a big brown blob to his right.

Nikki and I both looked in surprise to find that he had indeed shot a bear, one that was twice the size of a regular bear book would describe. Nikki let out a loud whistle, seemingly impressed that Seonghwa had taken down an animal of that size. He was just about to comment when we heard a chorus of boots stomping on the hard ground followed by a series of commands, the voice belonging to Lucia. When she and the others came into view they were confused to see the three of us were just standing there.

“Imlay told us there was an emergency.”

Nikki shook his head, “False alarm. Come over here and help me with this, we can use the fur or meat of this animal for...something…” Nikki trailed off, unsure as he started thinking of what to do but still led the others to the animal.

I took the opportunity to pull Seonghwa aside, looking him over for any injuries. I was so relieved to see that he was still here, standing on his own two feet. I didn’t think to check if that animal did something to him. I could feel his eyes on me as I turned his hands and arms, looking for scratches or things of the sort. I then moved up to inspect his face properly. I cupped his face gently in my hands, moving his head from side to side as I looked over his neck and face. As I was doing so he placed his hand over mine, drawing my eyes to his. He gave me a smile so soft I felt my tense shoulder immediately relax, his eyes crinkling ever so slightly as he gazed at me.

“I’m fine, Y/N. That thing didn’t get close enough to touch me, stop worrying about me alright?” He said in a tender voice, reaching over to smooth my brow, trying to erase the frown from my face, “Besides, I thought you were angry with me.”

“Just because I’m upset with you doesn’t mean I want anything bad to happen to you.” I told him pointedly, slightly offended that he could even think that badly of me, “We may have been arguing but no matter how angry and upset I am with you I would never wish any harm to come to you.”

He sighed out a soft laugh, seemingly overwhelmed by God knows who as he cupped the sides of my face and leaned forward, planting a big and lingering kiss on my forehead, “Ugh, I love you so much,” He groaned out as he pulled away, a blush rising to my cheeks at the words. I’m so used to him saying this to me but there are times when he says it in a different manner than usual and that’s when I’m caught off guard the most. At moments like this all I could do was blush. He chuckled at the sight of my blush, suddenly pulling me into his embrace, letting me bury my face in the crook of his neck. I heard the members of the guard let out wolf whistles as they passed by with the giant sized bear. I ignored them, knowing they wouldn’t miss the opportunity to tease me over this for the next few days.

“I’m sorry about what I said the other day. I should trust that you’ll push Nikolai away if he tries something.” He sighed as he pulled away from the hug, keeping his hands on my shoulders. I went to reiterate that Nikki would never try anything but he beat me to it, “I know you said he would never do such a thing but I can’t help but worry over it. No matter how much you reassure me I’m going to keep worrying so just let me alright?”

I rolled my eyes but couldn’t keep the smile off of my face, “Fine. And I’m sorry about this morning. I was a little out of line,” I muttered, rubbing the back of my neck sheepishly as I avoided eye contact.

He snickered teasingly, the back of his fingers brushing against my cheek tenderly, “I know you didn’t want to hear me backing up your mother like that but you needed to hear it. I know how much you look up to your father and how much you love him. If something happens to your father after he fails to live up to your expectations then I know you’d run yourself straight into the ground with guilt and I don’t want you to go through that. ”

I kept my eyes focused on something other than him, knowing everything he was saying was the truth but it doesn’t mean I always want to hear it. I did have a bad habit of relying too heavily on my father and I know that but I can’t help it. My mother had always been too busy with work or with Adonis, besides Nikki my father was all I really had at times.

“I’ll...ease up…” I mumbled in regards to my father.

Seonghwa beamed at me, his smile blinding even in the moonlight, “Good. Now that we’ve resolved things let's head back and get some sleep. We’re going to need our rest if we want to be of any help tomorrow,” He pulled me towards him, having me stand in front of him as he hugged my waist from behind and began to walk back to camp like that.

“개새끼” - son of a bitch

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frstbiitten · 4 years ago

Text

cw: blood, death, gore

Not a week has passed and she already felt that the world was stagnating her, observed the cracked streets with tired eyes, the others forgot that part of her world existed, and also the universe forgot about her sorrows. She stared at the cigarette smoke with some appreciation, what would it be like to fill her lungs with that toxic cloud? Frost saw it rise to the lights of the brothel, it had become just another resident, one of the rats that walk between the feet of the customers, ignores the dangerous steps of heels like knives, and takes the food to its nest.

Jasper was the one who gave the idea in the beginning. Sometimes she felt compelled to visit this temple not so far away and pray to the Elder Gods, never expected answers from them, she didn't expect anything, but it soothed her soul for a few days or weeks until she found it necessary to return. Frost knew well which place they would visit; she had already been there many times. Faith seems to turn blind the ignorants, or so she thought long ago, didn't think this way about Jasper, she didn't want to think this way about her.

Her intentions were always good, even though she sensed she was surrounded by snakes and whatever sinful creature was at her side, under or over her, this was her way of "purifying herself". They arrived at a temple of a structure somewhat standard for the rest of the buildings, the neighborhood had changed to one that was more or less stable, there were gardens with flowers of hundreds of colors, families enjoying the outdoors, teenagers playing or listening to music. That scenario filled Frost with envy, not a light one, but a very toxic one, even though they were constantly ignored, nobody in the neighborhood noticed them, for them they are ghosts. The sacred building was located behind a gate with vines, there was an unbearable smell of summer flora as if it was the last day they would see the sun. A path of stones guided them to that structure that seemed to be alive, with a glass that looked like an enormous flower on top; it was not a colored glass but one that dispersed the light, broke it, and turned it into a soft rainbow.

The smell of incense and sandalwood was the welcome card, silent and almost dark even though the light came to gently touch the marble floor. And speaking of marble, a slightly greenish stone rose from the floor on the wall like a tree with dry branches, it reached the curved ceiling, one could hear a fountain at the other end, sharp stones and flowers coexisted, light and darkness coexisted. Wooden seats and glass and glossy stone statuettes. There was no one else there except for the gentle sound of a broom, a lady bent over to remove the dust that formed with the hours that passed inside of the temple. "From dust, you come, and into dust, you shall return." She couldn't ignore this saying, much less if one day she lost a fight, would she be dismembered before placing her shattered body in a garbage bag for the rats, or would her body be set on fire so that the heat of hell would consume her first?

Jasper pointed with one of his index fingers, never noticing how bony they were, her gaze fixed on a small wooden cubicle from which incense smoke was emanating and forming a cloud above. "There you can tell a priest your sorrows, that you feel you have done wrong, she will say nothing to anyone, for no one knows who they are."

"I know, I have come here before... many years ago." Frost decided to focus on something less threatening than a cubicle against the wall from which there seemed to be no one inside, but there was something inside, more like someone.

"Oh, I thought you didn't believe in heavenly beings." They both approached it, there was someone else inside, they couldn't hear what he was saying, just a muffled murmur through the thick wooden walls.

"I used to do it."

The cubicle opened, an old man came out, walked with a cane, and greeted them the best he could. He was a grandfather who was slowly dying with the days, coughing on his way out, so here they come the desperate ones too, those who see the road end.

The idea of going in doesn't seem like a tempting idea for Frost, to go in and tell your secrets to a stranger, and even though Frost was surrounded by people she barely knew well. She simply shook her head, and at that signal, Jasper entered the wooden cubicle, leaving Frost alone with the echo of the temple.

She remembered it, the offerings of flowers and bread with sparrow feathers and little stones, she remembered the soft fall of the silver coins towards the bottom of the fountain, she approached the fountain that ended up resembling an empty pond, only heard the murmur of the water flowing between the stones and the roots. The statues of the Elder Gods were not as imposing as the place where they stayed, they seemed calm, sitting as if they were meditating with their eyes closed. Was it a metaphor about them? That no matter how much you make offerings to them they will never see you? She had a grudge against these false idols, their innocence, and wasted time while leaving thoughtless offerings on an empty stomach. Frost was young and ignorant, perhaps she still was, but she knew what to believe and what not to believe.

Heard Jasper leave the cubicle, looking calmer than before as if she had been lightly sedated and her eyelids were heavy. But she was awake, only her eyes looked swollen, reddish, her veins were visible, had she been crying? It was probable.

She was silent for a long time until they arrived at her apartment, Jasper desired to lie down a bit, recharge her energy before the night. Frost didn't know if it was a good idea to stay with her, but she hadn't said anything about her leaving. She seemed to be in a strange trance as if her eyesight had become blurred and could only look straight ahead the whole time. Sat down in a somewhat old armchair near one of the windows, Frost didn't know what to do, whether to touch her shoulder or leave her, the first option was the most feasible for her. Approached her without any intention of scaring her, cooled his fingers a bit and reached for her shoulder, reacted with a deep breath, her eyes distressed and red. Jasper took her hand and got up from the chair.

"Jasper? What is happening? Are you okay?" Frost was almost as disoriented as she was, having no idea what had just happened.

"Can you... Can you stay with me for today? I can lend you some clothes for later, you can use the bathroom if you want, sleep for a while, whatever you want? But please stay with me, just for today."

"Yes, of course, I have nothing to do today."

************************************

Night had fallen, this time Frost had the opportunity to wear some of Jasper's clothes, a sleeveless blouse that looked like red velvet (although it wasn't, as much as she wanted to) and some dark jeans with boots and her hair braided for the very first time in years. Maybe Jasper had gotten excited with the makeup and hairstyle, the blue eyes of the cryomancer were adorned by red and black shadow, the lips were dark red, maybe Jasper had gotten excited a lot. Although the two seemed to be in stark contrast to each other, Frost felt a little uncomfortable at first, hiding in their break rooms.

That night she was a little more daring, passing through the corridors, observing the details of the environment around her, the faint red and pink lights inviting sin, the cigarette smoke coming off the lips of strangers, the expensive perfume, the sound of the heels. She didn't belong to this world, although she felt some connection with these women. Why do they do this? Some like it, others don't. Frost certainly liked winning a fight, venting her anger, being the center of the world's attention while opening wounds. Others, no, others didn't like the world that they are forced to live in.

Her feet were leading her to the entrance, actually, to the main hall, it was a rather interesting place, the lights were moving and changing colors erratically, the music was filling her ears and seemed to be stirring her body, there was a catwalk included, but there was no one on it at that moment, later there would be some of the girls dancing on the pole. Frost went down some stairs straight into the midst of strangers, didn't know which song was playing at that moment, but the blue and green of the spotlights predominated. What could she do here? Wasn't in the mood to dance, even though all this crowd was dancing, rubbing their bodies against others, she felt the weight of a look from the shadows.

She was a lightweight if she didn't concentrate enough, observed between people, would anyone see her? The short hairs behind her neck stood up, it wasn't the cold of her body, it was that gaze fixed on her. But the one she did find in the crowd was Jasper, who seemed to be quiet among so many people, Frost made her way to her, touching her shoulder to attract her attention.

"Do you feel better now?" Because of the noise of the music, she had to exaggerate the movement of her lips so she could read them.

"Yes, I'm better now." She spoke with a smile, her eyelids shone with a pale rose and gold, glossy lips and wavy hair, it seemed that time and sweat did not affect her, but it gave this divine soft aura around her, for some reason, made Frost feel safe around her.

"Well, but, I have something to tell you, I think someone is watching me."

Mentioning that, Jasper looked to the sides, a determined glance at different directions and she couldn't see anyone staring at them, not in her world, she was always the one who was watching.

"Do you want me to call you a cab?"

It was an exhausting and long moment, seconds that were striving to turn into hours, she couldn't answer her in time, simply nodded her head but she had already forgotten about the question when those seconds returned to their normal course. Her eyelids were stained with violent red, part of her neck, and even her chest was painted with such horrific color. Frost heard screams too, they weren't hers but came from different directions around her being, as Frost hadn't said anything. Had Jasper collapsed on the dancefloor, a hole in the side of her neck from which hot blood was gushing out like a volcano that had just erupted. Her only reaction at that moment was to see the exit of the building, heard the door slam and without thinking it twice, she ran in that direction. There was no moon that night, the boots were not the best to run after an elusive stranger who took advantage of the darkness and architecture of the neighborhood.

Jumping over garbage bags, stairs, and walls of asphalt and bricks, he was very agile but not stealthy. It didn't take long for Frost's eyes to give off that glow of fury on her way to meet the stranger. The smell of sweat and gunpowder was wafting off, her instinct prompting her to throw an ice ball the size of her hand in the direction of his feet before he could get out of a passage between two buildings. That was enough to make him stumble, listening as his body collapsed on garbage bags, glass bottles broke under his back, plastic folded, and even rats came out of their hiding empty-handed. She could see the fear creeping down his cheeks in the form of tears and sweat, trying to become one with the wall waiting for it to hide him from that girl approaching from the darkness with her eyes turned in a strange and deadly glow.

"Why did you ki-"

"She didn't have to die, she had nothing to do with it!" The man let go as he hugged his icy leg, he could see the ice piercing his skin and growing to his knee with a devouring intention. "It was you... you had to die tonight!"

"... Who sent you, was it Lewis? Are you a Black Dragon? ANSWER ME!!" Her voice seemed to have as much effect on him as the ice. Did he know he was going to die tonight? Frost soon used one of her cold hands to press on his neck, heard the exact moment the man started to pee himself and tremble -either by the fear or the cold-, the smell didn't bother her completely, it was the fact that he was still alive.

He didn't say anything, obviously out of fear, but he nodded his head a couple of times, that was enough for her. He was going to die sooner or later, Frost's hands had already done enough and the man had lost the energy in his body, and suddenly, it was it, his soul was gone forever from his body. Could it be a heart attack? The girl's eyes returned to normal, she should have been the victim but Jasper ended up paying the price for a stupid mistake. One less innocent person and Lewis was still playing around with her patience. It was better to go back to the others, could hear the police sirens approaching.

#novel #((about time i post this chapter))#blood tw #murder tw #death tw

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ellebabywrites · 5 years ago

Text

The Supplier - In Exodus

Type : Oneshot (Part of The In Exodus Series) // Angst // Fluff // Smut // Cartel!au

Warnings : none

Author Note : FINALLY WE HAVE AN UPDATE !! I’m not going to lie, I’m super insecure about this because it’s been so long and I’m just second guessing everything, so feedback would just be really helpful to my soul sksksksks... I hope you enjoy lovelies !!

Everything had gone to plan for Kyungsoo. He’d achieved everything he had wanted to, accomplished all of his goals. He lived contently, sharing his modest farm only with a Border Collie named Hailey; a few chickens; horses and cows. Being the town of Exodus’ lead supplier of milk and eggs was always something he was proud of. Being the lead supplier for one of the biggest drug cartels in the country… less so.

No one suspected the sweet, quiet man; who rides into town with crates of produce and his dog smiling out of his truck, as being the root of all evil that plagues the once quiet town of Exodus.

Kyungsoo doesn’t like to talk about it. Pretending he’s nothing more than a simple farmer is a lot easier than facing the realities of his chosen life. Because that’s the harsh truth of it - he chose this. When an old friend came to him with the idea, he didn’t even consider turning it down; but now more than half of the town was riddled with crime; drugs ran through the streets like candy and cartels from all over the country were constantly fighting to come and get a taste.

Living so far out of town, isolated on the farm wasn’t just good for business, but also for maintaining his ignorance.

---

At 5:30 am sharp the roosters start crowing, forcing Kyungsoo awake from his slumber so he can get ready to start the day. Hailey is already in the kitchen waiting for her breakfast when he sleepily makes his way downstairs, rubbing the dust away from his eyes with the sleeve of his sweater.

“Okay Hailey, I’m here I’ll get your food,” the fluffy bundle of excitement bounced around at the sound of Kyungsoo pouring some of her kibble in a bowl, before getting himself some cereal. They mirror each other, as the pair sit and devour their meals.

It’s a Sunday, which means that it’s time for Kyungsoo to swallow his pride and go check on the supply. 6 days out of the week he can pretend that there’s nothing there; the back fields are empty and he has no business wandering back there; and thanks to cameras Chanyeol had installed, it didn’t hinder the business at all. Except for Sundays. Sundays Kyungsoo has to take the trek across the farm and take stock.

He delays as much as he can; taking extra care in tending to the animals for the morning. Mucking out the stables till they were pristine; making sure each individual hen was alright and collecting their eggs. By the time it comes to feeding, Hailey is impatiently dashing back and forth across the grounds.

“I know you like the walk Hailey, but I’m busy right now….. Don’t look at me like that, I’m not wasting time…. Okay maybe I am wasting a little time but c’mon…” The big dark saucers staring up innocently at Kyungsoo finally get’s him to relent; putting away the last of the feed and reluctantly walking to the back fields.

With each step Kyungsoo tosses away the willful ignorance he maintains for the rest of the week; he’s forced to take a look at what he’s become, what he’s apart of - whether he likes what he sees or not.

Hailey runs ahead on the path, stopping to sniff around the neighbouring plants to the ‘fields of evil’ as Kyungsoo likes to call them. She chases the birds and bathes in the warmth of the sun while Kyungsoo does his weekly check; ignoring the huffs and puffs that fall from her owners lips, used to his disdain but blissfully naive as to why anyone could hate such a beautiful part of the land.

“I wish I had your life Hailey,” Soo sighs, watching how his only company lounges so carelessly in the grass, completely innocent as to what the two were doing. “It’s all good here pup, let’s head back now okay?”

The walk back is far more enjoyable for Kyungsoo; being able to reattach the armor of denial to his soul as he, quite literally, puts his dealings behind him. The wind blew against his face in a way that feels like it’s washing the sin away from his face.

Don’t misunderstand, Kyungsoo has no issue with the drug itself. It’s natural; it’s relatively harmless; it’s good business, especially for someone like him. The real problem lies in the consequences his little business venture had had on the town he had once loved so much. It became infected with greed and want and impulsivity.

If people didn’t want a hit, they wanted in on the money. Kyungsoo’s tailor made euphoria had attracted other cartels from across the country, all wanting a piece of the action; a cut of the profits; control of the territory.

Exodus quickly replaced all the families, young and old, with groups of rowdy wannabees and snakes. The few innocents left lived as secondary concerns to the drugs. Police were swamped. Gangs grew more dangerous. People either lived in fear of violence or withdrawal.

It was all Kyungsoo’s fault. That’s how he felt at least. As the supplier, he had brought this on Exodus. He had opened Pandora’s box and now all he could do was hide out at the farm and pretend for 6 days a week that he was nothing but a simple farmer.

---

Breaking the usual peaceful silence Kyungsoo is accustomed to, a gleeful laugh fills the air, knocking Soo out of his thoughts and immediately putting him on guard. Rounding the corner at the edge of the stables, grabbing the nearest weapon (shovel) he can find, Kyungsoo takes slow steps towards the noise.

No one comes to the farm, especially uninvited, even his own members make sure to call first. A million thoughts race through his mind. Who is it? The police? A member of a rival group? Someone trying to steal a bag and get high? He’s been warned about a group called MX trying to make advances in Exodus as of late - could they have found him already?

“Oh you’re such a good girl huh, You can’t eat my hair though that’s where I draw the line,” The closer Kyungsoo got to where the horses were, the louder the sounds grew.

“What are you doing?”

Startled by his presence, you jump away from the spotted horse your were chatting to.

“Oh sorry, I-”

“What are you doing here?” Kyungsoo takes a tentative step forward, hand gripping the shovel tightly, unsure if he would actually go through with using it.

“I just saw the horses and-”

“You came up here? No one comes here.” His voice remained stoic and firm, making you feel uncomfortable with the growing tension. You didn’t have bad intentions, but he didn’t know that.

“Oh...really? But why, it’s so pretty here,” when his expression doesn’t change at your attempt to lighten the mood, you clear your throat start stuttering out an explanation. “I uh...I just saw the horses from the road and uh…”

“You need to leave.”

His eyes flicker back and forth between your own and the hem of your yellow dress dancing in the wind around your knees. The crease between his brows deepening with every passing second you remained still in front of him.

But before you can shrink away from his intimidating gaze and leave; Hailey comes running to your feet, bouncing up on her hind legs trying to coax your attention away from her owner. When you immediately drop to your knees and endulge the pup, Kyungsoo lets himself relax a little and release a deep sigh. He’s pretty certain that you’re nothing more than a harmless tourist who had naively wandered up to the farm, clearly enchanted by the animals; but he has a quarter bag full of product in his jacket pocket and even the thought of you finding out makes his palms sweat.

“Look..” his voice wavers watching the way you fuss and fawn over Hailey, and for some reason he feels an unfamiliar twinge against his ribs. “I’ve got lots to do today, I..I’m sorry but you’re going to have to leave.”

“Of course, I’m sorry for intruding,” standing up straight, you brush away the stray hairs flying into your face and start taking backwards steps away, “I..It really is a beautiful farm by the way!” Before you turn and move completely out of sight, you send Soo a shy wave goodbye, hoping that he wasn’t as upset as he looked at your presence.

---

Later that night, Kyungsoo tries to wash away the guilt he’s grown used to feeling after those weekly visits to the back fields. He showers and washes the debris out of his hair; brushing his teeth, trying to remove the bitter taste of regret from his mouth. All the while thinking of you…

How did she even get up here? No one’s come up here for so long, let alone someone as pretty as her…

“What..” His thoughts are interrupted by Hailey’s huffing across the room, “Don’t give me that look..” The pup tilts her head in apparent judgement, looking up at Soo with her big doe eyes. “I was just thinking about changing the horses feed this season… that’s all…”

---

A few days pass and eventually Kyungsoo is able to forget about the strange girl who had wandered onto his farm and had been occupying his thoughts. He’d returned to the quiet, peaceful, reclusive life he had grown comfortable with.

Walking down the muddy pathway back towards the farm, Hailey trailing along at his ankles and a pair of empty milk crates thrown haphazardly into a wheelbarrow being dragged behind them; Kyungsoo wipes the sweat from the side of his face against his shirt.

Wednesdays are delivery days. He gathers all the courage he can muster; puts on a brave face and heads into town. If it wasn’t for the constant reminders of all the damage his little side business had done to Exodus, maybe he would actually enjoy these visits. But of course he doesn’t.

In the distance, Hailey spots you first; fiddling with your fingers and nervously rocking on the heels of your feet against the farm’s gate; chewing your bottom lip till it was swol.

“Hey! I’ve been waiting here for hours, I thought I’d missed you,” excitedly you run up to where Kyungsoo stood in shock at your sudden appearance. A red bow pinning back your hair and slight gloss over your lips, the peach tint to your cheeks illuminated by the golden hour light pouring through the trees above.

“Why are you here?” Cursing at himself for how harsh his words sound, Kyungsoo picks his chin back up and walks straight passed you, calling for Hailey to follow.

“I um.. I just moved into Exodus, you know the town that’s like, that way,” you turn quickly to follow him towards the farm, gesturing back down the road he had just came from.

“Why are you at my farm again?” Though a question, he made no effort to suggest he actually cared for an answer, quickening his steps as if trying to shake you off his tail.

“Exodus isn’t exactly a cheap place to live and I guess I overestimated just how far my savings would stretch,” chuckling nervously as you listen to yourself divulge your financial problems to a near enough stranger, you swallow dryly and run slightly ahead so you can confront him face on, “Look.. I’ve tried everywhere in town and no one is hiring, I remembered you from the other day and I thought maybe you could use some help?”

Kyungsoo watches curiously as you use your body to block his path and wide eyes stare up at him pleadingly; in that moment he feels his resolve melting slightly and allows his mind to indulge in the thought of seeing your face every day, but Hailey nosing at the bottom of his leg soon knocks him out of it, returning him to reality.

“I don’t need any help, sorry.” Once more he tries to walk passed your defeated self, biting back the small voice in his mind begging him to reconsider, but you’re too quick.

“Please! I..I work hard, I promise I won’t be any trouble...and I’m great with animals! I can do whatever you need I…” your outburst startles Soo, your desperation clear from how you start lowering yourself down to beg quite literally, on your hands and knees before him. “I really need this to work out, you’re my last hope…”

The small voice in his mind had grown considerably louder watching your face blush a deep plum colour in embarrassment, fingers interlocked and held out in front of him. ‘Give her a chance!’ ‘You could use the company!’ ‘She seems harmless and sweet, help her!’ But then of course the booming voice of his conscience shouts out reminders of the hidden secrets that the farm hides… could he really risk you getting involved with all that? Did he even want you to know about it? No.

You were the only person in the entire town that was left beautifully untouched by the darkness of EXO. He couldn’t be selfish… could he?

“Fine… come back tomorrow and I’ll see what I can do..”

---

Reluctantly, Kyungsoo kept to his word and the next day when he saw you skipping up the pathway to the farm, he racked his brain for bits and bobs you could help out with.

“Hi!” you wave excitedly when you see Soo walking out towards you, trying to ignore the line buried deep between his brows as he sizes you up. Dressed in cotton shorts and a baggy shirt, you know you must look terrible and you’re hoping that’s the cause of his expression, rather than how you keep showing up disturbing his peace.

“I’m ready to work, what’s first boss?”

---

Over the next few weeks you managed your way around the farm, never seeing too much of Kyungsoo, but managing nonetheless. At first he spent every day by your side, guiding you through every step of what would become your daily chores, making sure you got everything exactly the way he liked it; and then once he was sure you could handle it, he disappeared.

You didn’t mind too much though, the abundance of animal friends you had were more than enough to keep you company - but that didn’t stop you wondering about your allusive new boss.

Sometimes you’d catch a glimpse of him in the distance, working on his own chores with Hailey following closely behind, the same indifferent expression painted on his face. He moved on autopilot, never showing any kind of emotion when he sensed you near, as if he was keeping himself guarded like you could destroy him at any moment. He tended the fields; collected the harvest; made his deliveries before disappearing back into the farm house for the rest of the evening. Whenever you could catch a moment you tried your best to break the tension, cracking jokes and asking questions, anything to get more than five words out of him. You only managed to break his tough exterior a handful of times; your impression of the postman being the one that really got him to smile; before he bashfully retreated back to the cool persona you’d become all too familiar with.

Kyungsoo, still skeptical, kept his eye on you while you were at the farm. The small voice at the back of his mind still not totally convinced you weren’t somehow working with MX; not that you had given any indication whatsoever that you were secretly part of a rival drug cartel that is; he was just being cautious.

Yeah… Cautious… He’s just being cautious when he times up his chores so he can listen to you talking to the cows while you milk them; it’s a cautious chuckle when he watches you get chased around the yard by the chickens when you forget to drop all of the feed from your overall pockets. He’s being especially cautious when he does the books inside the stable office, rather than his kitchen, so he can watch you muck out the paddocks, fall into the bales and stand up with stray strands of hay littered throughout your hair. Kyungsoo is just a cautious guy. If anything he’s being responsible.

And the longer Kyungsoo can keep telling himself those lies, the longer he can go without facing reality. That with every lame joke; blushed cheeks; childlike awe and innocence - he falls more and more for you and there’s nothing he can do to stop it.

---

After a couple more weeks of denial and pining, Kyungsoo decides he’s had enough. He’s determined to knock down a few of the walls he’d built up when the longing to be close to you, talk with you, touch you; all becomes too much.

Before he even rounds the corner he can hear you talking gently with the hens ‘wow you ladies are so good! Look at all these eggs you’ve got for us today!’

“Hey stranger!” you call out, smiling brightly as he slowly makes his way over to you.

“Hey,” Kyungsoo mumbled back, as he sheepishly looked down at the basket of eggs you’d started collecting.

Almost on instinct, Kyungsoo starts putting more eggs into your basket. There’s an awkward silence as Kyungsoo wracks his brain for something, anything to say. Why didn’t he think this far ahead when he decided to do this?

“So…” he starts, you look up immediately in shock that he was actually trying to have a conversation with you, “What brought you to Exodus?”

“My mom died; my dad drank; I left. Same old story…”

You try not to think back on the days before Exodus. Sure, it wasn’t exactly paradise here, but to you anything was better than home. She’d been sick for a while; your mom; she was diagnosed with a Glioblastoma a little over a year ago. The tumor ate away at her body, her soul; taking everything that made her ‘her’ before she passed. When she finally found peace, your father hit rock bottom. He was always a heavy drinker, but when your mom died he just went overboard; and then came the violence. A push here and there turned into a slap, which then turned into a punch. Purple bruises fade to a sickening green under your farm clothes, goodbye presents from him when you decided to leave.

Kyungsoo swallows dryly, immediately regretting opening his mouth, “I-I’m sorry..”

“It’s alright,” you wish he’d look up at you so he could see the gentle smile on your face, maybe then he’d actually believe you. But instead Soo keeps his eyes glued to the eggs, trying to make it as discreet as possible that he’d slowed down his movements, in an attempt to buy enough time for his confidence to show up.

“I like Exodus,” you say, smiling to yourself at the thought of your little flat in town.

“You like Exodus?” he questioned, not meaning for his voice to come out as loud as it did but not really minding too much when you giggle at his reaction.

“Yes! I love it here! The people; the scenery; the animals! How long have you lived here?”

It’s bittersweet for Kyungsoo; thinking back on the memories he has of the farm, of Exodus, before everything good was ruined.

When Kyungsoo was young, he moved into Exodus to live with his Grandmother on the farm. She was a small woman with wispy silver hair and eyes that smiled as bright as the sun. To anyone else she looked as fragile as glass, with a hunched back and frail fingers; but Kyungsoo knew she was strong. Working on the farm alone for years; tending the animals and collecting the harvests; she was a machine against all appearances. She was his favourite person.

She took him in and taught him everything he knows about the farm. If she could only see now what he’d done with his inheritance, he was sure that she’d be rolling in her grave.

“My whole life,” he answered quickly, not wanting to talk to much about the past, afraid it would break down the wall keeping his guilt at bay.

Luckily you saw he was reluctant to speak any more on the subject, quickly dropping any questions that were bubbling up inside of you in favour of drawing out a little more conversation.

“Oh, you must know all the hotspots ‘round town huh? I’ve been here a little over a month already and I still feel like a lot puppy,” you confess, not meaning for it to sound as pathetic as it came out and blushing at the realisation.

“I could show you around,” Soo felt the words race up his throat before he could swallow them down, “I mean if you wanted to…”

“I would love that,” you agreed bashfully, both turning your attention back to the coop of hens that you’d been distracted from.

After another moment of awkward silence, Soo uses up his remaining shreds of courage, “I could.. I could show you the lake tomorrow? It’s my favourite place in town...if you want”

When you glance up to see the blush painting his own cheeks, you no longer try to suppress your growing smile. Nodding along and smiling dumbly, watching Kyungsoo stutter a quiet ‘okay’ before taking the basket of eggs out of your hands and walking away before he throws up with nerves.

---

The next day you arrive at the farm bright and early, ready to work off the butterflies in your stomach that formed at the thought of spending time with Kyungsoo. Would you call it a crush? You suppose so. You find yourself looking for him constantly; feeling nervous when he’s around; yearning for any type of conversation that could tie you over till the next day. Your cheeks are rarely without a rose flush and you’ve lost a few too many ribbons trying to keep your hair somewhat decent throughout the day.

Yes you most definitely had a crush.

You however, were completely oblivious to the fact that Kyungsoo had been secretly harbouring feelings for you too. Not that he had made it obvious in any way that is. The stronger his feelings grew the more closed off he became. To Kyungsoo, you were perfection. The perfect mix of innocence and light, he had never met anyone like you before. He found your habit of talking to the animals adorable; the way you fill silences with bad jokes endearing; the way you weren’t discrete in any way when you watched him with curious eyes, nor when you tried to hide the blush on your cheeks when he looked back.

But you were too good. If anything the time you’d spent together in the last month or so had only proved that. Kyungsoo wanted so badly to keep you away from his life with EXO, to keep himself from falling too hard; but what was the harm in showing you around town a bit? He hadn’t heard you talk much about your life outside of the farm and besides, since having you around everyday it was harder for him to lie about not feeling so lonely.

“Soo!” You yelled out, he loved when you called him that. You waved overhead to further get his attention from across the yard, before running up to him. “I made us lunch, ya know, for the lake,” you let out shyly, holding up a basket filled with goodies.

Kyungsoo was too flustered to give a proper response, instead opting to take the basket from your hands and quietly suggesting the pair of you get going.

“Which, which way is it?” you giggle, watching Kyungsoo’s eyes widen when he realises that he hadn’t made any attempt to move.

“Oh, sorry it’s uh, just this way,”

Hailey watched the pair of you curiously; wagging her tail at the sight of you both stuttering over your words and giggling like nervous teenagers, impatiently waiting for her promised trip to the lake - but when Kyungsoo lets a giggle slip at his own mistake, Hailey quietens her whimpering not minding the wait.

The lake was even more beautiful than Kyungsoo had described; surrounded by trees and flowers blooming every colour of the rainbow. The water was calm and the reflection of the sun glistening on the surface was inviting, the grumbling of your stomach being the only thing stopping you running and jumping straight in.

Hailey ran ahead finding a spot beneath one of the trees, with the pair of you giggling at her excitement, following her lead.

“Let’s eat first shall we?” Soo asked, worried if he waited any longer then his own stomach would start making noises and there was no way he could deal with that embarrassment.

The two of you sat down in the spot Hailey had so kindly picked out, devouring the packed sandwiches and selection of nibbles you’d wrapped. You talk shyly about how beautiful the weather was and how cute Hailey looked rolling around among the flowers. It was an innocent type of awkward. Both hesitant with your words but at the same time not wanting the other to stop talking. Kyungsoo had laughed at the strawberry jam on the side of your lips, wiping it off with his thumb before he could think about it too much. You made him a daisy chain bracelet while he told you all about the latest mystery book he’s reading, not that you were paying too much attention, more focused on securing the frail stems around his wrist. He didn’t mind.

When you both got up to leave, even Hailey wasn’t finished witnessing the cuteness that was your ‘unofficial’ first date. She sprinted at your ankles, making you lose your balance and fall face first into the lake. Kyungsoo was mortified, dropping everything to try and help pull you out - but when you grabbed onto his outstretched hand you couldn’t resist pulling him in with you.

“I can’t believe you just did that!” He yells, the sound of your laughter drowning out his protests. When you don’t stop, head falling back with glee, Kyungsoo splashes the water around you.

“Hey!”

“You pulled me in!”

“Hailey tripped me!”

After a beat of silence, you both erupted into a fit of giggles, splashing and chasing each other around the bank like children high on a sugar rush. It was the most fun Kyungsoo had had in a long time; being able to let himself relax and just be himself with someone, he hoped the moment would never end.

Just as you were about to swim right passed him again Soo reached out to block your path, inadvertently forcing you to crash straight into his chest. He must have let his eyes wander down to the curve of your lips for just a split second, because in the next moment you have your hands placed firmly on his shoulders while your lips gently touch his own.

It takes 5 seconds before you realise that he’s not responding. He’s not responding and you’ve made a terrible mistake. You’re kissing your boss and he’s not doing anything.

“Oh my God…” you push yourself away from him with more force than you intended, letting a wave of water separate the two of you. Bringing your hands up to cover your face, you can’t bring yourself to look at him. “I’m so sorry..” you mumble against the palm of your hand, forcing yourself back to the waters’ edge, pulling yourself up so you can make a clean escape. Unfortunately your foot catches and your slip right back down.

Kyungsoo wants to move to help you. He wants to say something, ask you to stay. To go back in time just 5 minutes and have a do over. But he’s frozen in place, watching you stumble up the bank and grab your things, watching you run back down the path and out of his sight.

When he does finally regain control of his body it’s almost scary how quickly he lashes at the water, cussing under his breath at what he’d just let slip away.

---

Getting out of bed the next morning was torture. The last thing you wanted to do was go to work and have to face Kyungsoo after you’d so badly misread everything yesterday.

Somehow you managed to drag yourself to the farm but there was absolutely no way you could bring yourself to see Kyungsoo. So, you did the only rational thing you could think of, get as much done in the first few hours as possible then run off to hide in the fields till Soo had finished his deliveries.

That’s where you were when Hailey found you, pulling strands of grass absentmindedly.

“Oh hey Bub, what are you doing all the way out here?” You gently ruffle behind her ears when she walks right up to you, nosing for attention. “You wanna go for a walk girl? I could the company,” At the sound of that Hailey pipes up, running in excited little circles by your feet.

She runs ahead of you through the fields, stopping every few minutes to make sure you were still following her. It was adorable, and cathartic, taking a stroll with the ball of happiness that was Hailey; the warm breeze helping clear your mind.

Eventually you find yourself in an unfamiliar part of the farm, Hailey was wagging her tail as she led you in and out of the tall plants.

“What the hell,” you mumble, walking further into the garden. “Did you know this was back here Hail?” But the pup just kept walking.

You’re not an idiot, you know what this is; but why was it here? Did Kyungsoo know about this? If he does then what the fuck was he doing? A million different thoughts race through your mind the longer you walked around the unfamiliar place.

“What are you doing!?” Kyungsoo’s deep voice booms from over your shoulder, sending a chill up your spine so cold you daren't turn around. “What. Are. You. Doing,” he repeats.

Taking a deep breath you force yourself to face him, eyes wide and teary when you see the look he’s giving you. “Soo what is…”

“Who said you could come back here!” He cuts off your questions with a raised voice, ignoring the pang in his chest when your eyes start to glass over. “Hailey come here now,” she runs over to him immediately, leaving you standing alone in front of them.

“Can’t you just do your fucking job! Get out of here!” Kyungsoo sighs heavily, running his hand through his hair and turning his back to where you’re standing there, shaking.

He didn’t yell because he was mad...okay maybe a little, but only at himself. He just panicked, you weren’t supposed to see all of this, he didn’t want you to see. It was the one thing he was most ashamed of in his life, and you were the one person he never wanted to see him like that; and now he was shouting at you, watching tears fill your eyes.

When he did finally turn back around you were gone.

“Stop looking at me like that Hailey...you brought her up here,” she was looking up at him with such disappointment, he knew he fucked up, “yes I know I went overboard… just...let’s just go.”

---

“Just do your fucking job” he had said. That’s what had upset you most. “Do your fucking job” As if you hadn’t spent your every waking hour on the farm doing everything he had asked of you to near perfection. If that’s all he had to say then that’s all you would do. Your fucking job.

You went straight back to work, not bothering to try and hide away from him anymore, maybe it was petty but if he was going to shout at you about working then you’d make damn sure he saw you doing just that.

Making sure everything was perfect; animals fed; equipment put away; you didn’t even stop to talk with the animals as you got on with things, nor did you hum along with the birds that sang as you worked.

Kyungsoo watched you for the rest of the day, he felt guilty for snapping at you, guilty for why he snapped in the first place. Just as the two of you had started to get somewhere he had ruined it. You wouldn’t even look at him, let alone talk - he needed to fix this.

It was getting late and you were making your last rounds in the stables, checking the horses were okay for the night. One of the mares had somehow gotten into the wheat field and strands of the grass matted throughout her mane. You didn’t mind taking the extra time to clean her up, rather than give Kyungsoo another reason to complain about your work ethic.

When Soo notices the stable light still on he decides it’s now or never.

You’re untangling Zoey’s braids, pulling out grass and brushing it back down again. Kyungsoo sees you flinch when he approaches but still you won’t look at him. He wants you to say something because he has no idea how to start. But you don’t, only turning to leave when he steps closer.

“Wait, wait Y/N please,” his voice is small but it makes you stop. Not that you’d admit it but you hated the tension brewing between you both today, after weeks of falling for him.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean… I didn’t mean to shout earlier… please just look at me again Y/N,”

Your eyes are already glassy and your bottom lip is held tightly between your teeth when you turn to face him. You look so hurt he thinks, how could he let himself get so angry before?

“I… didn’t want you to see that… I don’t want you to see that part of me. It’s not something I’m proud of and I don’t want you to think of me that way,” he explains nervously. Will you run? Will you hate him? Will you ever be able to look at him like you did the day before again? Oh my god he’d completely forgotten about what happened at the lake.

Hesitantly he steps forward reaching out and cupping the side of your face, having to stop himself from retreating back when you freeze under his touch.

“I don’t want you to think I’m this horribly evil person… not when I think you’re the most perfect, beautiful human being I’ve ever met… I don’t want to scare you away…”

Not sure how to react to his confession, you just look up at him trying to read if he really means what you think he means so you don’t end up embarrassing yourself again. Could he actually like you? Crushes never like you back... yet here he was, cupping your cheek and looking at you like you were everything.

“I would never think that you know,” closing the gap between you with a single step, you lean further into his touch, as if giving him permission. His lips are chapped and uncertain. Moving against your own gently just in case he had misread something, only pushing for more when you grip onto the fabric of his shirt, anchoring his body to your own. After a second you reluctantly pulled away, foreheads pressed together while you both tried to collect yourselves.

He really just kissed you… that means he likes you...right? He’s looking at you like he likes you… and he kissed you like he likes you… so..so he does, right?

“I really like you,” can he read your mind now? “Please like me back.” I guess not.

“I like you very much Kyungsoo, very very much.” The second - well, third - kiss was even better than you could have imagined. Passionate and needy as all the walls that had been building up between the two of you, finally came crashing down; his fingers threading through your hair and your arms wrapping around his neck, too scared to let go incase it was all a dream.

“You should stay here tonight, it’s far too late for you to be walking back into town now,” Kyungsoo knows full well you walk home at this time every single day, but he can’t help but want to keep the moment for a little longer, if not for just one night.

---

The farmhouse is dark when you both stumble your way inside, the warm interior a stark contrast to Kyungsoo’s cold persona, but somehow still making perfect sense. Neither of you turn on the light, instead just standing in front of each other, trying to figure out what to do next.

Even in the darkness you know that Kyungsoo is looking at you, you always know. His eyes burn your skin with such intensity that it gives you chills; even when he tries to make his stolen glances discreet, you can always feel him.

“What is it?” You ask with a nervous giggle, you feel so conscious under his gaze.

“It’s just..you’re beautiful,” He has no idea where this sudden rush of confidence has come from, but seeing you standing right there, he suddenly wants to confess everything he feels. He wants to tell you about all the times he’s had to stop himself from staring too long at your lips, or how they’re just as incredible as he’d imagined. He wants to tell you about every sinful thought that ran through his mind late at night, long after you’d left and how he’d wished so badly for you to touch him.

He feels the heat crawling up his neck as those thoughts rush to his mind, he’s held back for so long, now that the barrier is broken he doesn’t want to wait anymore.

And as if you could feel his desire through the air, you both rushed towards each other, in a clash of teeth and tongue your bodies melded together in a haze of lust and impatience. His hands move down to grip your hips firmly, not enough to hurt, just enough to keep you close.

When you pull on his neck slightly Kyungsoo gets the message and hoists your thighs to hook around his waist, the new angle making it easier for you to kiss him and him to move you to the bedroom.

You don’t even realise you’re in a different room till you feel the soft sheets below you, Kyungsoo prying open your legs so he can slide between them while leaving hot kisses on the side of your neck.

“Is this okay?” He asks, fingers dancing up your thighs insufferably slow. You whisper a quick ‘yes’ before going back to kissing him.

“What about this?” you feel his hands toying with the elastic of your panties, the burning fire in his eyes never leaving you own, watching how your face, your body, reacts to his movements. When you feel him press firmly on your clit through the thin fabric, you can’t help the way your breath stops.

“Is it okay if I do this?” He’s teasing you now. Sliding down your pliant body till his face is level with your heat; slowly pulling the cotton panties down your legs, exposing yourself to him. “So beautiful,” he whispers against your skin over and over.

You’d slept with people before, shared those intimate moments with one or two ex boyfriends in the past - but never have you felt the love and passion that came with sleeping with Kyungsoo. His touch. His kiss. The way his hips rolled into yours at an excruciatingly slow pace but hitting all the right spots inside of you. His eyes never leaving your face, lips never leaving your skin. One hand wrapped behind your back to keep you as close as possible while the other rubbed dangerous circles on you clit. It was perfect.

He loved the way your skin glistened with sweat as your hips desperately bucked up for more; the way your hand moved down and squeezed his ass with every thrust; the way your eyes squeezed shut and mouth fell open when you finally let yourself give in to him.

---

“I’m sorry Hailey I got distracted,” Kyungsoo was trying his best to whip up some late breakfast, leaving you to sleep for a bit longer in bed. In the midst of everything that had happened the night before, he had forgotten that Hailey had been shut out of the bedroom and had to sleep alone downstairs.

“I know what you’re thinking,” he says, giving the pup a stern look, “but don’t go chewing up her shoes just because you spent the night on the couch okay? I like her.. More than like her I think, even if she can’t milk a cow to save her life.. I like her and I know you like her too,” Hailey responds with a bark in agreement, liking the happy energy coming him.

“In my defense, it’s just Daisy that doesn’t let me milk her and I’m 90% sure it’s because she doesn’t like me!”

You’re standing against the door frame, hair tied back messily, wearing Kyungsoo’s button down shirt from the day before, a flustered blush on your cheeks and smile tugging on your lips after hearing his words.

“Daisy likes you!” Kyungsoo tried to reason, turning back to the pancakes in an effort to hide his growing smile and flustered cheeks; but that had only left his back exposed and when he felt you wrap your arms around his waist and cheek press against his shoulder blade in a back hug, well he might have just died a little bit.

“Daisy would sell me for half an apple with zero hesitation!”

It feels strangely normal to sit at Kyungsoo’s breakfast table, eating overdone pancakes and talking about the day. It feels even stranger that it doesn’t scare Kyungsoo. Having you so close, letting you in; when he watches you fuss over Hailey while simultaneously trying to keep her from jumping up and stealing your pancakes - he’s not scared anymore. He only feels love.

A phone ringing in the other room rips him out of the new found comfort. It’s his ‘work’ phone, meaning it’ll be the Boss, meaning something is very wrong. Kyungsoo excuses himself quietly and you can tell from the way the smile vanishes from his face that something is up.

“Hey,” out of earshot Soo answers the call, afraid of what he’s about to hear.

“Something’s happened. We need to meet at the farm today.” Junmyeon’s voice is stern and cold on the other end of the line. It means this is serious.

“Is everyone okay?”

“Baek’s hurt, not too bad but enough. MX are moving in and we need a plan, we’re on our way to you now.”

“Okay I’ll be ready, see you soon.” When he hangs up the call, the sound of you cooing at Hailey reaches his ears through the halls and Kyungsoo curses.

You can’t be here.

“Uh Y/N, I’m really sorry but I need you to leave.” He looked panicked and it left a sour taste in your mouth.

“Is everything okay? What’s going on?” Just by looking at him you could tell something had spooked him. He was stiff and cold, eyes refusing to meet your own and he seemed as desperate as anything to get you to leave.

“Everything’s fine just..please leave.”

“I’m not leaving till you tell me what’s wrong Soo, you look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“It’s a...work problem.”

“Great I work here, how can I help?” You know what he’s trying to imply but you can’t leave, not when he looks so shaken and not when you’d just gotten him to open up.

“Y/N…” Kyungsoo sighs in exasperation, you really were relentless.

“Look, you do what you need to do and I’ll take care of the farm. It’s business, I understand Soo, really.”

Without a word, Kyungsoo walked over and gently kissed your forehead before retreating back into the other room. He didn’t like the idea of you being here with the rest of EXO, but if he was being honest then he didn’t like the idea of you leaving any more.

With a deep breath, you quickly got yourself changed and headed out to work. You weren’t entirely sure what Kyungsoo’s other ‘business’ entailed, but you figured that it would probably mean he would be busy for the rest of the day. Which must have been right as Hailey opted to spend the day with you for a change.

---

“Well well, who are you and why don’t I know your name?”

You’re in the middle of leading some of the horses back into the stables when an unfamiliar voice calls out from behind you. You turn to see three men walking up the path of the farm, the one who’d shouted out earning a shove from the shorter of the trio.

“I’m Y/N, can I help you guys?” The taller one smirks at your offer, finding amusement in the causality of your question.

“Where’s Kyungsoo?” The shorter man asks flatly, clearly not as amused with the situation as the other two seem to be, much to your confusion.

“He’s a bit busy at the moment, is there anything I can do?”

“You could give me your number gorgeous and we cou-”

“Knock it off Sehun!” Kyungsoo shouts, quickly making his way over to the four of you, “Don’t talk to her like that.”

“Well don’t keep such a pretty face all to yourself then,” Sehun jokes, sending you a wink to further annoy the others.

“Enough.” The shorter man, Minseok you later learn, orders tiredly. “We’re meeting the others in town, get your stuff.”

“You’re leaving?” You don’t want Kyungsoo to leave, as much as you’re trying to pretend to be fine with everything, the idea that he was somehow caught up in the very obvious drug problem in Exodus was more than a little worrying - especially when he seemed so bothered by it himself.

“I have to... “ Soo could tell you were trying to hide your worry and he felt himself waver for a second. But Exo need him and the safest place for you during all of this would be the farm, even if it meant leaving you there alone. “Stay here while I’m gone, watch Hailey for me?”

Blocking the other three men’s view of you, Soo stands in front of you and cups your face lovingly, it felt like a goodbye and you didn’t like it. He leaned down to give you a gentle kiss, looking you in the eyes when he whispered ‘I’ll be back soon.’ How long that would be, you didn’t know.

---

It had been weeks. Not a word from Kyungsoo, or any of Exo for that matter.

In the time you’d had alone at the farm, you’d done your research on the group and their role in Exodus. It shocked and scared you sure, but you knew Kyungsoo and nothing could change the feelings that had blossomed over your time together. If anything, the new found knowledge was making you feel more concerned for him. Was he safe? Was he hurt? Was he ever going to come back?

Each day you woke up in Soo’s bed; did your daily chores; walked Hailey - hell, you even went as far as keeping checks on the supply just incase anything went wrong. Every night you spent hours sat in front of the living room fire, pretending to watch whatever rerun was playing on the television; Hailey at your feet, doing just as bad a job at not watching the door.

“He’ll be home soon Hailey, don’t worry” you were absolutely not projecting your worries onto the dog…. She was just very anxious. “They probably have lots of stuff to get through, that’s all…”

Hailey had gotten used to your rambling about Soo by now. Accepting the way you would talk about your feelings as if they were her own, your worries were hers, your hopes were hers. It comforted you.

But when you sleep in an empty bed every night with only the sounds of the growling winds outside in competition with Hailey’s snoring - you just want him to come home.

---

Heavy rain pounds against the windows of the farmhouse, that and a mix of late night tv soon lulled you to sleep on the red sofas. Hailey on the floor beside you and a half eaten sandwich left on the coffee table. That’s how Kyungsoo finds you.

He quietly slipped off his soaked coat, wincing at the pain in his shoulder from the events of the last few weeks, a mix of purple and green bruises painting his skin. He’s tired and the sight of you curled up on the sofa, face illuminated by the dwindling fire is more of a welcome than he could have ever hoped for.

“Good girl Hailey,” he whispers at the pup, keeping her calm so he could get to you without waking you up. God all he wants is to hold you, kiss you, tell you how much he’d missed you and hope you say the same; but you look so peaceful he daren’t wake you.

“Thank you for waiting my love,” he says softly, letting his fingers play with the ends of your hair gently before giving into temptation completely and joining you in lying down. Wrapping his arms around you and pulling you into his chest, almost as holding you was physically grounding him in the moment, reminding him that everything was going to be okay.

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p-and-p-admin · 4 years ago

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Interview given to The Severus Snape and Hermione Granger Shipping Fan Group. (sharing here Admin approved)

https://www.facebook.com/groups/199718373383293/

Hello Emma Ficready and welcome to Behind the Quill, it’s wonderful to finally have the chance to chat with you.

Many readers will know you already from works like “Chimaera” and “Sins of the father” for those that don’t, a Trigger Warning from Emma that their works contain graphic violence and abuse and may cause distress to some readers.

Okay, let’s jump right in. What's the story behind your pen name? It's actually my previous name! Although very apt for a fiction writer. Though it's pronounced more like Thick - Reedy, I use it over my new name because my partner does not know I'm a fiction writer, and I don't think they'd react well if they found out, it's something they'd struggle with. I'm a long term partial carer for them and they have some mental health issues, so I try to avoid any situations that could be a potential trigger. Plus I like having something all to myself. Which Harry Potter character do you identify with the most? I think I would say I probably relate to Severus Snape the most. I can relate to how 'damaged' he is, and how much the bullying he endured as a child, affected the adult he became. Do you have a favourite genre to read? (not in fic, just in general) I think I like to read angst the most, as to me that's more real, I don't generally read stories that are entirely fluffy all the way through. I love a happy ending, but I can't cope with total fluff because I find it unrelatable, life isn't sunshine and daisies all the time. Do you have a favourite "classic" novel? I don't know if it's old enough to be classed as a classic, but I'd have to say 'To Kill a Mockingbird' by Harper Lee. At what age did you start writing? Very young. I had my first poem published by aged 10. How did you get into writing fanfiction? After being heartbroken at the end of Harry Potter series , I just wanted more and I had been reading fanfiction stories for years. I was constantly looking for stories, I'd get this thought in my head and it was like 'I wonder if I can find a story about this' and when I couldn't I just thought... well why don't I write it? I also find the writing very cathartic. What's the best theme you've ever come across in a fic? Is it a theme represented in your own works? I love hurt / comfort fics. I'm a sucker for it. It is something that I represent quite a lot in my fictions, because I can see both Hermione and Severus in that role in their own individual way. Hermione who is constantly a champion and a voice for others, and Severus who is there quietly and thanklessly fighting for others the entire time, I can see both of them naturally falling into those roles of 'saving' someone , without it being out of character. What fandoms are you involved in other than Harry Potter? I'm not particularly active in any other fandoms, I have always been a Buffy Fan and I love the Inheritance cycle books by Christopher Paolini , though short of reading other fanfictions I am not active in the community like I am with Harry Potter. If you could make one change to canon, what would it be? The epilogue, probably the most common answer you get and I know everyone is going to expect me to say because she never should've married Ron, but I can see her marrying him and subsequently divorcing him as being true to Character but I'd change the epilogue because I don't think Hermione would or should ever have settled for being a ministry worker, she deserved so much more. Do you have a favourite piece of fanon? I don't know if this counts but... Severus's Patronus changing after he survives the war. I see the doe as symbolic to the debt he felt he owed her, and I like the thought of the visual change of patronus, representing the emotional change he goes through in accepting the past and moving on now he feels that he's fulfilled his promises. Do you listen to music when you write or do you prefer quiet? Quiet! I love music, the heavier the better actually, but I have to be in the right frame of mind for it. Otherwise I can sometimes get sensory overload. I hate white noise and things like asmr, I often wear hats or headbands, or have my hood up to block out some noise. What are your favourite fanfictions of all time? How long have you got? Honestly that's not an easy question to answer, and it doesn't have one answer. But I could say that some of the stories I find myself reading over and over again are 'Sin & Vice' , 'Another Dream' and 'Lay me low'. There's no way I could write all my favourites down here, but they're the ones I re-read most often. My favourite WIP is probably ' Inkstains' Are you a plotter or a pantser? 90% Panster. I will literally have one small idea, it could be one small interaction, one conversation or one event that pops into my head and I will end up writing a story around that one small thing. My story signs entirely stemmed from the one interaction of Severus handing Hermione the note. I knew I wanted that, and then it was by the pants from then on How does that affect your writing process? It means that I do update my stories in a regular order, so no one story is left too long without an update. I literally sit down, crack my knuckles and go 'right, I'm writing the next chapter of this story now. I write it and post it as soon as it's finished. I write from my phone too, so I apologise for any grammatical or spelling errors, auto-correct is the bane of my life at times What is your writing genre of choice? Have you read my fictions!? Interviewer: Well yeah, but I’m asking because you’ll be new to at least some of the audience. (chuckles) Ha. Sorry. Angst, all the way. I write angst and hurt/comfort, very dark stories as I pull a lot of my ideas from the real life experiences of myself and friends I met in therapy. Writing about trauma is very cathartic for me and helps me process my own feelings about my own history. Which of your stories are you most proud of? Why? Did it unfold as you imagined it or did you find the unexpected cropped up as you wrote? What did you learn from writing it? How personal is the story to you, and do you think that made it harder or easier to write? That's a tough one, as there are elements to all of them that are important to me. None of the stories I write quite unfold like I imagined they would, they just sort of take off and I'm along for the ride. I'd be remiss not to talk about Not the Same girl at this point, as that story has probably had the biggest impact for me, the responses it's had and the people reaching out to me, both positively and negatively. I've had some outright hate over that fic, and abusive messages to the point that I almost gave in altogether and I think because of that people will expect me to say Not the Same girl is the fiction I relate to most, and while I do draw a lot from personal experience it's actually Father Mine as that resonates with me on a more personal level, that and an as yet unpublished WIP I have in the works, I think the huge dichotomy of feedback I've had for stories like Not the Same girl though, have both given me a thicker skin to the hate and encouraged me through the sheer overwhelming amount of people who’ve reached out, that find the stories cathartic in dealing with their own trauma, which is gratifying as an author to do that for people, when I myself am looking for that same release in writing it. It's great to have this mutual satisfaction and it's really rewarding. What books or authors have influenced you? How do you think that shows in your writing? I think probably going to refer back to Harper Lee and to kill a mockingbird. The whole premise of telling a story that no one wants to hear or acknowledge, the things that are widely known but rarely spoken about. In “To kill a mockingbird” it's sexism, racism and prejudice against others based on their mental health or intelligence but we still see this so much in daily life, about how much hate and horror and suffering is seen in day to day life, the trauma that so many people have suffered is widely known but swept under the rug because it's easier. No. Hell No. Fuck that. Hiding doesn't change any of it, it may be under the rug but it's still there. People rape other people, people hurt other people, people discriminate based on gender, sexual preferences, skin colour, occupation, people have suffered in life and are damaged by it. Acknowledge it. Don't brush it under the rug, don't ignore it because it's more comfortable for most people, shine the light on it and say. "This is real. This happens. We need to acknowledge it and we need to do something about it" And I think that's shown in my writing , I don't glorify anything, I'm not writing snuff but I don't hide anything either. I make people see this is something that I won't gloss over. Does it make you uncomfortable? Good , it should. If people are uncomfortable , at least they are acknowledging the realness of that situation and not ignoring it. Do people in your everyday life know you write fanfiction? How true for you is the notion of "writing for yourself"? Nobody knows I write fanfiction, I use a previous name and I very much write for my own cathartic relief. I chose not to share that I write fiction because I'm a carer for my partner, I don't know how they'd react, it could honestly go either way where they'd be absolutely fine or it would trigger them and I'd have to stop, that's the reason I keep it to myself, I'd hate to do something that would mean I'd have to stop writing, not when so many people are so emotionally invested in the stories that I write. How important is it for you to interact with your audience? How do you engage with them? Just at the point of publishing? Through social media? Reviews man. Reviews are the nectar of life, I read every single one and though I don't have time to reply to most, trust me when I say that I treasure each one and appreciate them immensely. I have my social media which I find the easiest way to speak to people , I have my own Page on Facebook and I'm on a number of SS/HG groups. It's hugely important to me to speak to my audience and I really encourage them to get in touch with me, I'm always happy to talk about my work and people have been in touch just to talk about their feelings or emotions that have been triggered by my work and I welcome it all. I mean, I've got people translating my stories them into French, into Russian...it's crazy, I never expected it to be so popular and I am always happy to hear from people. Though I apologise if I don't respond straight away, I have to write on the sly and sometimes real life takes over, so I can't log in for a week or more at a time. What is the best advice you've received about writing? First and Foremost, write for yourself. The rest is just gravy. What do you do when you hit writer's block? I move on to another story. I always have more than one WIP at any one time, If I can't find inspiration for one, I'll update another, or start a jumble of notes for others. There's always something that needs to be written down, even if it wasn't what I had planned on. Has anything in real life trickled down into your writing? Very much so. Almost all the trauma and hurt and situations that appear in my stories are either translated from my own experiences or those of people I know. Do you have any stories in the works? Can you give us a teaser? I had a number of stories in the works! When A Cure For Magic is completed, I will most likely post the next one up. I can't give too much away , but the next story is called "Catching Fire" and will be an incredibly dark story, with a lot of morally grey characters. Any words of encouragement to other writers? Just do it. If you want to write it,. write it. First and foremost write for yourself. Don't listen to anyone who's negative ,or unsupportive. I get so many people message me saying things like 'I want to be a writer', but don't know where to start' and to which my answer is you already are a writer. Writing is 99% mental, you have the words, they're there in your head, you just haven't put them down yet. Thanks so much for giving us your time. Any time , it's been great and I'm happy to answer questions any time , thank you for inviting me.

#fanfiction #fanfic #snamione #ss/hg #writing

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