#and I have some friends that are in montreal so I’d love to go and visit them there!!

[fastandcarlos]

Soft Launch : ̗̀➛ Charles LeClerc

summary: follow along to see the journey of charles’ soft launch to reveal your relationship…

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liked by carlossainz55, landonorris and 2,493,172 others

charles_leclerc: another week and another race, looking forward to heading to montreal with the team for another race ✈️

139,058 comments

username1: did you think you could just post those legs and we wouldn’t say anything??

arthur_leclerc: it’s taken you long enough to start dropping some clues 😂

oscarpiastri: @/arthur_leclerc this feels like something a member of the family would know about??

username2: is this a stupid way of telling us you’re in a relationship 🤔

landonorris: I’m not gonna leave you alone until you tell me all about this at the race just so you know

username3: no idea who the person is but I’m already insanely jealous that they got to rest their legs in your lap…

alex_albon: let’s all now guess what charles’ media questions are gonna be about this weekend 🤔

carlossainz55: and here I was thinking that I was the only love in your life 💔

charles_leclerc: @/carlossainz55 please don’t get jealous sweetie 💕

username4: please don’t go all soft launch on us leclerc 😭

username5: wishing it was me getting to fly around the world with you instead!

pierregasly: wait you’ve not just kept this a secret from the world but a secret from me too 😱

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liked by lewishamilton, georgerussell63 and 2,038,604 others

charles_leclerc: I think these photos are what the cool kids call living my best life ☺️

127,431 comments

username6: I wonder if there’s a certain someone that’s suddenly made him live his best life!?

landonorris: you would never know you’ve never been cool in your life 😉

username7: you need to explain yourself mr leclerc!!!

olliebearman: we get it, you’ve got a girlfriend now, quit bragging 😂

username8: there are so many questions in my mind right now that need answering 😂

carlossainz55: 😊😊😊😊

username9: we should put a ban on soft launches they’re the cruelest things

maxverstappen1: that second photo you were secretly smiling at me across the media pen I’m sure!

charles_leclerc: @/maxverstappen1 whatever helps you sleep at night my friend

username10: you just know he’s absolutely loving the fact he knows he’s winding us all up rn too ☺️

oscarpiastri: as a cool kid, I can assure you that the cool kids have moved on from this phrase now 😝

username11: at least charles has finally realised that he’s not cool anymore 😂 danielricciardo: can’t believe you’ve finally decided to make our

relationship public!!

charles_leclerc: @/danielricciardo I just couldn’t hide my love for you any longer 😂

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liked by oscarpiastri, arthur_leclerc and 2,473,081 others

charles_leclerc: somewhere new with someone new. life doesn’t get any better than this 🌴🌊

129,573 comments

username12: even from behind they look like such a good match 🥺

carlossainz55: I remember before you got a girlfriend and you used to go on holiday with me 😔

charles_leclerc: @/carlossainz55 forgetting like we’re not going away at the end of the season??

username13: how much longer does he plan on keeping these games up for!?

georgerussell63: I feel like a fan hanging on to find out more about your girlfriend too 😂

iamrebeccad: I want to meet her and tell her lots of embarrassing stories about you!!

username14: I want to hate him for doing this to us but it’s impossible…

pierregasly: I’d argue that life would be better if I was there with you guys too ☺️

username15: notice how there’s three beers, I wonder who else is with them??

lewishamilton: I refuse to believe you rode that bike in those jeans 😂

charles_leclerc: @/lewishamilton fashion first and comfort second 💯

username16: can we all agree if he doesn’t reveal soon we’ll all just unfollow and leave him to post to no one??

arthur_leclerc: not you leaving the family waiting like the fans to actually meet her properly 🙄

username17: have I ever told you charles how damn impatient I am??

alex_albon: nothing like impressing a new girlfriend with a holiday 😂

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liked by landonorris, danielricciardo and 2,493,072 others

charles_leclerc: introducing my beautiful girl to the beautiful sunsets that monaco has to offer 🌅

218,407 comments

username18: ofc charles would make it too dark so we can’t actually see her 😔

danielricciardo: this might be the most aesthetic group of photos I’ve ever seen from you!

charles_leclerc: @/danielricciardo I’ve been getting lessons from the best 🥺

username19: the way they look at each other I don’t need to see anymore to know they’re happy together!

maxverstappen1: you’ve got a girlfriend??? you should’ve mentioned it!

charles_leclerc: @/maxverstappen1 one day I’m gonna block you!

username20: I’m already in love I don’t need to be tormented anymore 😂

oscarpiastri: you gotta gimme some tips charles so I can up my game if these are the sorts of dates you’re organising

username21: im more jealous that she got to go on a boat date with him than anything else!!

lewishamilton: you guys are such a good couple, annoyingly adorable all weekend at the race

carlossainz55: told you a sunset was a good date idea 😉

username22: I hate how most of the drivers know about her now…they’re probably enjoying teasing us too 😭

landonorris: welcome back romantic charles leclerc, we missed you 💞

username23: what spy tricks is he using to be able to take her to races and have absolutely no one realise!?!?

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liked by maxverstappen1, pierregasly and 2,429,013 others

charles_leclerc: no one else I would rather adventure around the world with than you 🌎✨

189,472 comments

username24: ah we finally got a proper reveal, she’s stunning charles!!

landonorris: nothing like flexing just how strong you are for the gram 💪🏻

charles_leclerc: @/landonorris no problem for these guns 🔥

username25: look at how perfect they are together ✨

carlossainz55: feel like you’ve grown up right before my very eyes 🤧

maxverstappen1: I remember when you used to moan to me about how badly you wanted a girlfriend 😂

username26: the day we’ve waited for so long has arrived, goodbye soft launch era 👋🏻

georgerussell63: I along with all your fans thank you for finally giving us what we want 😂

alex_albon: you’ve become as soft as your launches with these captions of yours

username27: I’m officially obsessed with the two of them together omg

arthur_leclerc: stop gatekeeping your girlfriend and bring her home to all of us too!!

username28: I knew she was gonna be beautiful but this is something else 🥺

oscarpiastri: idk about that, I can take you on some pretty cool adventures too charles 😉

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liked by carlossainz55, scuderiaferrari and 2,894,162 others

charles_leclerc: feeling beyond lucky to finally bring my girl to her very first podium and deliver a trophy back home with us too 🏆🏎️

249,482 comments

username29: we’re all so happy for you charles, congrats on the win!!

scuderiaferrari: congratulations charles, the whole team is so proud of you ❤️

username30: we finally get to see her in the paddock too this is so exciting 🥳

iamrebeccad: it was so lovely to finally meet her this weekend charles, you’ve got yourself a good one there!

charles_leclerc: @/iamrebeccad I don’t plan on letting her go anytime soon either 🥺

username31: okay can we officially agree that she’s a good luck charm and needs to be there forever!?

carlossainz55: can you leave your celebrations with her for when I’m out of my driver’s room please 🔇

charles_leclerc: @/carlossainz55 stfu we weren’t even doing anything 🙄

username32: that third photo was from when charles found her in the crowd…look at his little smile!

landonorris: thought we’d be nice and give you the win seeing as your girlfriend was there 😝

username33: that was an incredible drive charles, right back in contention for the championship 🎉

maxverstappen1: forgetting the part where ferrari steal your trophy and take it back to base with them 😂

pierregasly: no pressure now but she’s got high standards of you on race weekends!

username34: the way he ran over to her when he got outta the car, I can’t 😭

danielricciardo: huge drive my friend, I would say enjoy the celebrations but it sounds like you already are 🤫

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liked by arthur_leclerc, oscarpiastri and 2,583,203 others

charles_leclerc: introducing my angel to the family, safe to say she’s definitely got the seal of approval ✅

238,492 comments

username35: ahhh I can’t believe she met the fam, this must be serious!!

arthur_leclerc: we absolutely loved meeting her, you guys are the cutest 🥺

username36: they’re still all smiling so they must’ve loved her ☺️

carlossainz55: you’re family are adorable so ofc she fits right in 😂

username37: how could they not fall in love with her, she’s adorable!?

oscarpiastri: I don’t think she’s quite met all the family yet…has she??

charles_leclerc: @/oscarpiastri you’re not letting this go are you??

username38: finally arthur got exactly what he’s wanted for so long 🥺

username39: I’m so happy that this all went well, I’ve got a good feeling about these two…

landonorris: don’t remember you posting when she got our seal of approval 🤔

charles_leclerc: @/landonorris don’t remember you ever being as important as my family 😂

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liked by landonorris, pierregasly and 3,092,174 others

charles_leclerc: seeing as you guys have been thirsting over my girl for so long, I’ll finally give you what you want. a whole post dedicated to my love, isn’t she just perfect!? 💞✨

318,575 comments

username40: she really is perfect, you’ve got yourself a good egg charles!!

danielricciardo: I feel like a proud father seeing these photos 😭

username41: how dare he suggest we’ve been thirsting over her 😂

maxverstappen1: I don’t think it’s just the fans who have been thirsting (@/georgerussell63)

georgerussell63: @/maxverstappen1 no idea what you’re talking about 🤭

username42: charles always knows how to deliver exactly what we want!

pierregasly: thank goodness we don’t have to listen to you moan about being single anymore!!

username43: I don’t think charles could’ve found a more perfect girl if he tried…

carlossainz55: as much as it pains me to say it…you guys are pretty cute ❤️

username44: forever obsessed with these two and forever praying for more content from them too 🙏🏻

iamrebeccad: 10/10 agree that she is in fact perfect!

landonorris: you’d look cuter with me by your side, but I guess she’ll do 😂

username45: we hate you for soft launching but we love you for the fact that you’re just so happy 💕

ynusername: 🥺🥺🥺

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˗ˏˋ 𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓 ! ´ˎ˗

[hockeyandhrsepwr]

Montreal

Je t'aime series

F1 driver reader x hockey player bf

When the Montreal GP & Eastern Conference finals fall on the same weekend, certain worlds collide….

The insta edit

Notes: Takes place in 2024 so everyone is a year older - reader is an 01 baby so 23 & all the hockey guys are playing for their respective NHL teams. (For plot purposes, Montreal is the second last race before the summer break - still takes place in mid-June though) Danny, Mick & Seb are still on the grid because I say so & I’m trying not to have a breakdown over Seb being gone gone. 

For Formula 1 driver y/n l/n, this weekend marks her return home as we head to Montreal for the Canadian Grand Prix. We sat down with the championship leader to talk about what that means for her.

Thanks so much for talking to us today Y/n. How excited are you to be back home in Montreal? 

I’m pretty pumped. It’s always nice to be back and have so much of my family be able to come. The track is always a special one to race on & I’ve had a few good races here before, so hopefully this weekend will add to that. The little break after means I can spend a few days here before heading into Silverstone so that’s nice. 

Any exciting plans for those few days?

Definitely catch a hockey game! It’s hard to watch games live with the travelling & living in Monaco, so while I’m here I’m definitely going to get to the Bell Centre. It worked out really well that the Habs are playing on Sunday night & it’s such an exciting game, with it being Game 7 in the conference finals. Montreal fans are absolutely incredible so hopefully the boys can bring this one home! The city’s going to be pretty wild on Sunday, and hopefully I can add to the excitement with a win here too!

I never would have known there was a game this weekend. It’s not like there’s stuff all over the city. Hopefully they can win it at home! Actually, speaking of hockey, your dad played, correct?

Yeah, so he played pro in the US and then Switzerland and Germany. So, I spent about 8 years over there before moving back here permanently, and then when I was about 14, moved back over for racing. but Montreal is definitely home. 

Did you ever consider hockey or were you always set on the formula, single seater series? And how did you settle on motorsport?

So, I played hockey growing up but once I hit 12ish I had to choose since both were getting more competitive and there wasn’t enough time. I would’ve loved to go pro in either, but F1 is where my heart is. I still play whenever I can though. Lance & I like to try finding rinks when we travel and have a little battle. I’m currently 4 wins up, just fyi. Or whenever I visit my best friend, we go out & have some fun, even though that’s not often. I’m not beating him unfortunately but it’s pretty hard to beat a pro when he’s working on his skills constantly and I’m playing maybe 20 times a year. As kids though I could whoop him. The decision for karting/single seater over hockey was hard, but I’d been hooked since I sat in my first kart. I think part of it was being able to travel all over racing & just experience so many cool things. And with Formula 1, there’s 20 spots, right? So, if you make it as a driver, you’re one of the top in the world. With hockey there are so many incredible female players already, and as we know not many in motorsport. I wanted to be able to inspire young girls in sports as well. I think I made the right decision for me. 

 My dad was a big F1 fan, so I’d been watching races basically since birth. We were living in Germany during the Schumacher era, so everyone was really into it and that definitely helped ha-ha. It’s kind of crazy that I ended up going through all the feeder series with Mick in the end & we obviously became good friends when his dad was one of the main reasons I started racing. And having him show up to watch races was insane! But yeah, once I sat in my first kart I was hooked! If three year old me who had that Schumacher Ferrari merch could see me now ha-ha. 

Ah the Schumacher era, that’s how so many people got interested. And your best friend is a hockey player? I don’t know if that’s ever come up, so can I ask about that? 

Ah so actually, our dads played together in Switzerland & bonded over being from Montreal, so once my parents moved to Germany, about two years after I was born, they still visited each other. The two of us spent a lot of time together as kids during those visits, especially playing hockey. We moved back a few years before his family, but they were always around in the summer & we stayed pretty close. We’re apart a lot but were both living our dreams so its pretty special when we can get together. he’s one of my favourite people so shoutout to Thomas. You’ll probably see him in the paddock this weekend since he’s around here somewhere. 

That’s such a great story! What team does he play for, and for anyone who’s maybe looking at which team to support, who would you recommend?

So he plays for San Jose, the Sharks, but I’m a Canadiens girl all the way. You can’t grow up in Montreal and not get support them. We’re having a great season, so fingers crossed for Sunday! But I do support the Sharks, definitely my favourite Western team, no bias here ha-ha. I’ve met a lot of great guys through Thom too who play, so I do try and keep up with their teams, but Habs all the way baby!

Alright, there you have it folks. Y/N thanks for sitting down with us, good luck this weekend! I’m sure we’ll see you soon!

You shake Natalie’s hand & thank her for having you. Exiting the media pen, you start making your way back towards the Ferrari garage, waving at Lewis when an arm’s thrown around you shoulder.

“Ready for Sunday’s game?” Lance says, “Time to kick some Devil ass and then get the cup.” 

“Yeah, I just have a race to win first” you stick your tongue out at him as he punches you in the arm. 

“Your boy toy coming today?” You roll your eyes “yes he has a pass, so he’ll be around somewhere. There’s a bunch of them coming. Not sure when though…”

“YO MCQUEEN!” you hear from down the lane. “There it is” you shrug off Lance & speed up as Thomas comes running at you. Damn he’s quick. You meet in the middle and grab him in a hug. “tu m’as manque” (I’ve missed you) he whispers in your ear, squeezing the life out of you. It’s been a while since you’ve seen each other, mid-January at least. When you were still on break and made it to a game of his where you hung out for a week before heading back across to Italy for training. You talk almost every day though

“Missed you too Bords. It’s been too long. Congrats on your run though. You guys played really well.” It sucked that the Sharks got knocked out in round 2, but they had a good team. Next year they’ll have it. His phone starts ringing and he pulls it out.

“Ah shit, the idiots are lost.’ He rolls his eyes as you laugh.

“They’re at the Ferrari garage. We should probably go before they end up breaking stuff” We start off towards Ferrari, when Lance catches up to us. “Hey man, how’s it going?” The two have met before, when you were all kids in Montreal. They catch up as you walk over, when you notice a bit of a crowd. You nudge Thomas

“Those yours?” and point towards the commotion. You get there & see a few familiar faces. You run over to give Thomas’s sister a hug before turning to the hockey players gathered. You count five, but there may be more floating around. Thomas had 10 passes altogether. 

“Sup boys” you give Brendan, Matty & Owen a hug, then do your handshake with Truss. You visited Michigan a few times when Bordy was there, so you got close with his roommates & friends. You managed to stay pretty off the radar since F1 isn’t as popular in the US, so you got some of that college experience that you missed out on. Plus, he’s brought you to the Hughes Lake house a couple of times so you got to know a bunch of the other idiots there. 

“Y/n you traitor!” Lance calls from somewhere behind me. “What did I do?” You yell in indignation as someone spins you around to see Jack Hughes making his way towards you. “Ah Fuck off Lance, we all know he has no chance!” Cheers from people around tells you that there’s quite a few Canadiens fans in the paddock right now.

“Hell yeah they don’t” You see Cole behind him along with Luke Hughes & Phil. 

“Is this everyone?” They nod “okay, come with me. Lance, I’ll see you later.” You lead the crew of hockey players into the Ferrari garage, taking them up to the hospitality area. “As nice as it is to see you all, why are all of you here?”

“Osheaga (Music festival – it usually happens in August but for the plot it’s happening in June) was last weekend, so we all just stayed, especially once Bordy told us he could get tickets. And we’re going to the game on Sunday” Briss pipes up. 

“Yeah, I know nothing about F1 But it looks pretty cool so I’m excited” Luke says. You gasp, the blasphemy.

“How much time have we spent together Hughesy, and you still know nothing? I’m wounded” Dramatically you hold your hand to your chest. Your phone starts going off, your timer that your trainer set going off as Charles approaches you. He beckons you since he has the same reminder.

“Alright boys, I’ll see you later, but I’ve got practice. Ask any of the lovely workers here if you need a hand with anything. Peace out” You walk off with Charles, making your way further into the motorhome. Once you get to your driver room you start your usual routine. About 20 minutes in, as soft knock on the door interrupts you “babe? You free?” 

You open the door & pull your boyfriend in. ‘“God, I missed you.” You press your lips to his, savouring the kiss. “ the minute I can I’m taking you out properly. I don’t care where, but we’re going out. Hopefully with something to celebrate” You wrap your arms around him and nod “sounds good. When are you leaving?” “Monday early afternoon” he pouts and he’s so cute you just have to kiss him again.

“Two more weeks then I’m all yours for the summer.”

“Deal. Now get back to it.” He slaps your ass and you continue your usual routine with the occasional commentary from him. He slips out a few minutes before you leave, heading down to the garage for practice. 

Two successful practice sessions later, you’re done for the day. You’re chatting with Charles when Thom finds you. You introduce him around since he hasn’t met many of the boys, just Lance & Mick. The other hockey boys have left but you make your way back to the hotel. As much as you’d love to stay at home, it’s a little further out so you stay at the hotel with the rest of the crew. Once you enter, you spot a crowd exiting the restaurant. Ah, apparently the Devils are staying here.

You whistle, “damn, who let some losers in?” As others laugh. Jack flips you off, but someone else comes running over

“y/n/n!!” Nico hugs you. You knew each other as kids, his dad being involved for the team yours had played for. Whenever your family would visit the Bordeleau’s, you’d see him. You & T would bug him lots since there weren’t many kids to hang around with. “Can you introduce me to Sebastian Vettel?” He whispers in your ear. “Get out of here” you push him away. 

The rest of the team us standing there, mouths open. “Sup McQueen” Luke waves. You’re going to kill Thomas for that nickname, but you wave back before dragging Thomas towards the elevator. You’ve got catching up to do & he knows that tomorrow you’ll be in race mode & not want any distractions.

“Where are the rest of the boys staying?” You ask him. Obviously, Jack & Luke with the team here, but he tells you that the rest of them managed to get 2 rooms in this hotel, so they’re close by. “My parents offered to let us stay with them, but we’ve been pretty rowdy so I thought this would be better.” 

A few hours later you need to get ready & go to bed so you’re in top form for quali tomorrow, so Thomas heads to the room he’s sharing, wishing you luck beforehand. He knows that tomorrow you won’t want to see anyone until after qualifiers. You’re almost done your routine when Ring. A soft smile takes over you face. He always calls before he goes to bed, just to say good night. You do same & most of the time you miss each other so you have lots of cute voicemails saved on your phone. 

“Hey superstar. This whole being in the same time zone thing makes it a little bit easier hey?” He chuckles “yeah babe, it definitely does. Hang on” you hear some shuffling on his end and then a door open. “Roommates kick you out?” you laugh as he huffs, “I don’t want to disturb them so I’m going to the conference room so I can facetime. How are you feeling for tomorrow?” The request pops up & you see him sitting in one of the rooms. 

“Pretty confident. It’s a good car & it’s nice that everyone was able to come so I’d love to get a win for them. Think you’ll be able to sneak out tomorrow night?”

“Are you sure? I know how much you need your routine. I don’t want to mess anything up for you.”

“No, I want cuddles” you pout “and you know I sleep better when I’m next to you” you can hear the smile in his voice as he says “I’ll see what I can do. Now you’ve gotta go to bed so you can kick butt tomorrow. I love you & I’ll be watching.” He blows a kiss. “Love you too. Tomorrow night, okay?”

“Yep, I’m all yours. Ill text you before you go out tomorrow since I know I’m not going to see you. But you’re gonna kill it.” You lay down on the bed and just look at him.

“God you’re cute. I still can’t believe you’re mine.” He blushes, like he always does when you complement him.

“You better believe it. nearly four years in and I’m never letting you go.” Damn it now you’re blushing. “Okay Casanova, I really should go. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Love you” you blow a kiss & hang up because you know from experience that you’ll just go back and forth for the next hour otherwise. 

Saturday

You wake up fired up & ready to go. Moving quickly, you and Charles meet up & drive to the circuit. There’s a lot more people here today which you love. You go through practice & then it’s time for qualifiers. Q1 & 2 go smoothly, with you landing in the top five, but you want that pole position. It’s so much sweeter especially with this being your home race. As Q3 gets underway, that’s what you’re aiming for. Unfortunately, it’s only P2, but at least its only Charles in front. You know you can get ahead of him with the right strategy.

Meeting up with Thom & the crew at the hotel, you grab a quick dinner in the restaurant. You stop by the front desk & grab an extra key, slipping it onto your boyfriend’s pocket when you’re giving all the guys hugs. After about an hour you have to excuse yourself for a team meeting, and 2 hours later you finally make it back to your room.

You’ve just closed the door & are turning around when “BOO!” & you jump a foot in the air. 

“Putain! Jesus Christ you fucker.” Your heart is racing a million miles as you take in the sight before you. Jack has half his body still in the bathroom but has fully on the floor, just about crying from laughter. “That’s not why I gave you the key, connard.” You say as you help him up. “I ha-ha couldn’t ha help myself.” He dissolves into another fit of giggles. You move towards the bed as he comes up behind you. Arms around your waist as he buries his head in your neck. 

“This is harder than I thought” “I know, let’s just get through this weekend. A couple weeks then well be back at the lake with everyone who knows & we can do this every night.” He places a kiss at the junction of your neck.

“Promise?” you turn your head and give him a kiss. “Promise. Well talk about next season too. I’m sick of not seeing you for months.” He nods.

“you’re coming to the game tomorrow, right?” “Do you even have to ask?”

“Okay smartass, but will you root for me?” He sounds a bit sad as I turn in his arms. “I want you to win, I really do.”

“Oh yeah, not your precious Habs?”

“Wow. The sarcasm is strong with this one. I want both of you to win, but since that’s not possible, I’d say I have a slight interest in Jersey winning the cup.” “Only slight, eh?” he tickles my sides.

“I know how hard you’ve worked so yeah. As much as it pains me to say, and if you tell anyone else, I’ll kill you, but I do hope you win. If only so we both get one this weekend.” 

You kiss him again before pulling him into the bathroom & running the bath. It’s your regular night before race routine, made much sweeter by him being there. “I don’t know if I ever told you, but Thomas was my favourite person that summer.” He mumbles into your hair as you sit in the tub. 

“The one we met?” “Yeah, when he brought you to the lake house for a few weeks.”

Now your confused. You tilt your head back & raise an eyebrow “when you barely said four sentences to me?” he grins sheepishly.

“I was intimidated. You were the prettiest girl I’d ever seen & you drove fast cars for a living. It took me a whole year to gain the confidence to ask you out the next summer. And then you didn’t even show up with him! I was this close to asking for your number when you turned up a week later.”

“Aw, well I’m glad you manned up.” He sticks his tongue out. “I can’t believe that was five years ago. We were babies”

“Yep and now you’re stuck with me.”

“Wouldn’t have it any other way”. 

(They meet when they’re 18, but he doesn’t ask her out till 19 & now they’re 23) 

You both get out & go about your night routine with some additional commentary from Jack. When you finally settle into bed, he wraps his arms around you from behind, pulling you to his chest.

“je t’aime” He whispers and a smile creeps onto your face like it does every time he uses his limited French. “je t’aime aussi.” You whisper back as you snuggle back into him.  

Sunday Morning. 

You wake to a kiss pressed on your cheek. “I’ve got to get back to my room before the team meeting. I won’t see you before the game but go kick some ass. I love you & we’ll be celebrating tonight” Jack whispers in your ear before pressing a kiss to your lips and leaving. About a half hour later your alarm goes off & you start your pre-race routine.  Thomas stops by to wish you luck before you head to the track with Charles & your trainer. Ten minutes before you need to head to the garage your phone pings. It’s a picture of Jack & Luke with the caption ‘good luck!!!’ 

You smile before heading out to get into your gear. Soon it’s time to line up on the grid & you hop in. 

You settle in, ready to go as the countdown starts & the lights go. 

“It’s lights out & away we go here in beautiful Montreal!”

59 laps in you sneak past Charles, an early stop strategy paying off in your favour as ten laps later you take the win. After pulling your car in behind the first-place stand, you jump out & soak in the noise. Cheers from fans and your team ring out, as you spot one person in particular.

Hopping off the car, you run over to the barriers and grab Thomas in a hug. It’s the first F1 race you’ve won with him there, so you know he’s excited. After letting him go you hug your engineers & team before being pulled into a quick interview with Natalie. 

“Y/n, that was a beauty of a win, how are you feeling? What’s it like to win it at home?”

“Oh my god, amazing! Winning any day is an incredible feeling but to do it here, in front of my city, friends & family is so much sweeter!” 

“Anything to say to the fans here today? Or for anyone watching?”

“Mom, I did it!! You told me I’d win here one day & here we are. To my team at Ferrari, Merci! Superstar, merci d’etre ici ce weekend. Votre soutien signifie la monde et je t’aime. Montreal, ca c’est pour vous, et ALLEZ LES CANADIENS!” 

Cheers go up from all around as you just take it in. 

After the podium ceremony, you make your way back to the hotel to change since you’re soaked in champagne. Opening the door to you room, you spot a box at the end of the bed & a bouquet of lilies on the bedside table. You smile as you make your way over & see a note on the box 

Knew you could do it babe! Here’s a little something that I hope you wear tonight. See you on the ice ;)  xxx J

“I swear, if he put a Devils jersey in here..” you trail off as you see just that, but also a gorgeous lingerie set in the same bright red underneath. “that cheeky shit”, there’s a pair of new red converse in there too.

Putting the set on, you take a picture before finishing getting dressed & send it off to Jack, making a face. ‘Good Luck babe'. Then you finish getting ready & head down. 

You meet the boys in the lobby & make your way to the Bell Centre. Outside, you meet your mum, who’s brought you one of your old Canadiens jerseys since you didn’t have one on you. You pull it on over the hoodie & make you way in. Someone on the marketing team meets you inside. After your interview aired yesterday when you mentioned going to the game, they contacted your team to ask if you’d like to do the ceremonial puck drop, which duh you would. You split up with the rest of them and follow the guy. You’ll meet up with Bordy & his sister at your seats, but you won’t see the rest of the guys until later. You wait, chatting to various workers as warmups happen and finally its time for you to go out.

Making your way to the tunnel, you hear PK, who’s on the ice

“We have a special guest for you all tonight! She’s back in town, she goes fast and she won today, it’s your favourite race car driver Y/N L/N!!! 

You walk out on the carpet, waving at the crowd. “Well y/n, were glad to have you here to get us going here at the Bell Centre. But first, we have a little present for you. Your very own Canadiens jersey!” He holds up a jersey with my last name & racing number on the back.

“Oh my god that’s so cool. Suck it Lance, you’re not so special anymore!” you know he’s laughing from wherever he is in the arena. You take it & the puck he’s holding out. 

“Let’s get the captains please.” Pk says as Nico & Nick skate towards you and get in position for the photo.

“Nick, kick their ass.” You say to the Canadiens captain before posing and then walking off the ice. Someone shows you to your seat, where you find Thomas & Jade. The energy in the arena is absolutely electric as the anthem singing comes to an end and the crowd cheers. Thomas passes you a beer, as someone taps you on the shoulder. 

“Sorry, but would I be able to get a picture?” a young girl sitting behind you. You oblige & tell her you’ll get a better one during the intermission before sitting back down as the game starts. 

The Canadiens take an early lead with a beauty of a goal scored halfway through the period. The games intense with lots of back and forth between the goals. The Devils manage to knock one in with just a minute to go and then its intermission. You send Thomas off for snacks while you take a few photos & sign some stuff and before you know it it’s time for period two. No one scores for a while, but there’s quite a few penalties being called as the game gets a little rougher.

The second period ends still tied 1 all. You & Thomas chat about summer while you wait for the third. You’re planning on going to the lake house and you know he’ll be there at some point, but he’s staying here in Montreal for a bit first. You grab a couple more beers before the buzzer sounds and were off for the final period. Canadiens score a minute in, then Jersey gets one.

Back and forth again, shot after shot on each net with no more success. The whole crowds on their feet, cheering & screaming for Montreal as the minutes count down.

“Mon dieux its going to be OT” you whisper as the final minute hits. The crowds are practically silent as the seconds tick. Ten seconds left and all of a sudden Jack gets the puck, making a breakaway to the Canadiens net.

Go, Go, Go!!! you’re screaming internally as the defense rush after him, but not fast enough. He shoots and it flies past the goalie’s shoulder. The crowd explodes with boos & angry yells, but you’re smiling.

Thomas nudges you “he’ll be happy about that"

“Yeah, he will” you say back, a soft smile on your face as the final buzzer sounds and the Devils all celebrate on the ice. The fans are none too happy but there’s nothing you can do. You take out your phone & text jack.

That was amazing superstar!! I’m so so proud of you. I’m going out with the boys, but I’ll see you later<3 text me whenever you guys are done if I’m not back. 

“let’s get out of here” you turn to Thomas, knowing that Jack’ll be caught up for a few hours with team celebrations & media stuff. “Mick texted a while ago, a couple of them are downtown so let’s go celebrate your win” he says.

A pit stop back at the hotel to drop off jerseys & make sure you have all the boys then you’re making your way downtown to one of your favourite clubs. The drinks are flowing, drivers & hockey players are all around and lots of dancing means that a few hours pass in the blink of an eye.

About 3 hours in, you check your phone and see a message from Jack.

Got about 20 minutes left then I’m heading back. I’ll be in your room. See you in a bit xx

Looking around, you spot Thomas & Charles and make your way towards them. They’re chattering in French, but you butt in.

“Hey boys, I’m heading out in 10” Turns out most people are pretty done for the night, & you end up having a big group heading back. You all grab a couple of cabs back, and as you make your way through the lobby, you spot a piano in the corner.

“Ooh!!” say, making your way over to it & sitting down. “Is it okay if I play?” you ask one of the workers who nods. The boys follow you and stand next to the piano, staring at you. Except for Thomas. He knows that you can’t play for shit, all those lessons you took as a child being absolutely useless, so he’s laughing.

You crack your fingers and start playing la vie en rose absolutely terribly. The boys laugh as you stand up & bow. “Merci, merci! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a sexy man waiting for me” you wink before heading to the elevator & making your way to the room. He’s not there you, so you get undressed so he can see the gift he left for you. 

The door opens a few minutes later. “Hey champ” you drawl as he comes into view.

“oh, fuck me” “I plan to” you respond jokingly. He pulls off his shoes & shirt before jumping into the bed next to you. 

“You did it,” the smile on his face is absolutely massive “I did it. We’re going to the finals. Holy fuck” 

The two of you lay there, lazily making out & cuddling until you fall asleep, too worn out for more. The next morning brings sad goodbyes with promises of more in a few weeks time. 

F1 GOSSIP

Alright folks, we all know that Y/n L/n has been romantically linked to former F2 teammate Mick, who she sort of grew up with, and Charles Leclerc, her current teammate, for a while now. The Mick theory is more likely, as we’ve seen. I’ll show the evidence that has been collected here. But this weekend, a new player entered. Thomas Bordeleau, another childhood friend of Y/n & a pro hockey player, was in and around the paddock. Now we didn’t really know about this connection until an interview that y/n herself did on Friday, where she called him ‘one of her favourite people’. Apparently, we weren’t looking hard enough. Obviously, we had to do some digging, and the team here are starting to think that he may be the real deal when it comes to y/n’s heart. Let’s break it down.

Childhood friends – we found some photos from y/n’s early karting days, both in Europe and Canada. Know who makes an appearance in a few of them? Thomas. Now there aren’t too many pictures of them as teenagers, as it appears he lived in the US & obviously y/n had moved back to Europe for racing. However, we were able to find this picture, of Y/n at a hockey game with one of his jerseys on. 

Now, here’s where things get interesting. Thomas attended the University of Michigan and based on a video out of the paddock Friday, y/n knows a few of his college teammates. So, we did some more digging and found that y/n visited Michigan no less than six times over the 2 years he was there. And if that’s not convincing, take a look at these photos we dug up. Tell me that the way the two of them are looking at each other doesn’t scream in love (Photos of the two at various different parties looking cozy). Flirty comments left on posts, photos from friends that show the two cuddling or laying on top of each other, years of appearances in the back of each other’s photos, and a few references to a boyfriend in y/ns comments by close friends. All of these point towards the two of them being together, but the most damming evidence came out of Montreal. Lance Stroll was overheard asking y/n about her ‘boy toy coming’ mere seconds before Bordeleau made his appearance.

On Sunday, Y/n fought her way to a first place, and once she exited the car ran over to him at the barriers, practically flinging herself at him for a hug. Not two minutes later, when talking to a reporter she was saying thank you to the fans, and let this slip in French “superstar, thanks for being here this weekend. It means the world to me & I love you so much.” Now who speaks French & was there this weekend? Her best friend.

But that’s not all!! They made their way to the Montreal Canadiens game on Sunday night, where they lost in the final seconds. Several other players who appear to be friends of Bordeleaus & some of the guys who were playing in the game attended, however they watched from one of the boxes. y/n and Thomas, on the other hand, were smack dab in the centre of the action, accompanied only by his sister. Photos from the official sports accounts & fans were all over social media showing the two very close, joking around & cheering passionately for their home team. They were then seen out partying in the city with some of the other drivers and hockey players. I don’t know about all of you, but I’m pretty convinced. This isn’t what we were expecting, but it actually seems the most plausible. What are your thoughts?

 

Xx

[quidfree]

i love the old married couple portion of your follow up to sober ii (melodrama)! outsider povs just tickle the brain, especially in tsh where the characters are so just disconnected from normal society. out of curiosity, have you thought any more about how students/peers/other people view francis and richard throughout that au?

i love that portion too i think the idea of them as this long established couple (for all intents and purposes, altho they may have deviated from certain aspects of a nuclear family monogamous relationship) is so funny & interesting. like sober ii already does so much legwork from canon and then the followup even further so by the time we hit middle age it’s a free country for what is allowed.

you’re right in that the tsh cast are deep weirdos to anyone normal interacting w them. i think they have naturally changed somewhat by the time we reach them in that portion bc for francis he’s now (gag) middle class and sort of domesticated / for richard he’s like.. in a long term relationship w a man (it’s funny they have reverse things to get used to) & plus yk there’s the whole thing where they’re both deeply troubled individuals with abusive childhood drama and bad relationship history so probably sticking it out together has done some healing / good down the line. so in some ways they’re a little more Normal mentally. but that said they are still weirdo murderers with terrible personalities who would both annoy and enable each other so not that normal.

talking abt how they go from sober ii to where we see them in their 40s is a separate post so in terms of outsider pov specifically i’d say they do kind of stick to themselves (codependent freaks) but like in the neighbourhood / on campus / in montreal classics circles they def have relationships and certain uhh reputations that go with them.

richard’s students are a fairly niche group so i think as a whole they tend to like him- if nothing else he’s genuine in his love of the material and he’s attractive and kind of reserved so he’s probably at his least annoying / cringe / questionable when teaching despite his inner monologue. he probs has bad timekeeping (cf his flop job at hampden) and pretentious grading but generally okay. we know he comes across much more sane and sound to people who don’t know him well (very tartt, we love). and then they don’t know francis at all apart from Maybe as f. abernathy the classics translator guy. so realistically to the students they’re actually quite a cool addition to the student rumour mill. i think over the years there have been random glimpses of them but never anything interesting until the fic incident, or similar ones that make it obvious professor papen has what seems to be a boyfriend. then everyone is ‘literally obsessed’. i don’t know if anyone ever IDs them as witnesses to the hampden murder-suicides on a true crime podcast and then gets excited about their tragic backstory and inspiring romance, but that would be fun.

professional peers see more of them obviously, but they do still keep to themselves a lot. richard’s colleagues’ opinions vary depending on how much interaction they’ve had with him and in what context, bc he definitely has beef with administration and some colleagues whose courses he doesn’t respect. he’s professionally respectable though. francis is a fairly lowkey presence in translation- he got initial buzz from the julian student clout but he only sporadically networks. he definitely has culture friends who gossip amongst themselves about him vanishing from boston so close to the wedding and no one hearing from him until his book got published. alex from NY wants to fuck both of them but finds them annoying as talents and good in small doses as friends. most of that author circle is at least a little jealous of them as a couple, maybe because they flourish when amongst people they can close ranks on.

in terms of other canon charas… some of that feels like its own post too. judy does not particularly get why richard is into francis but she thinks they’re a hot item and she overall likes them and their weird little bohemian* lifestyle (*misrepresented). she thinks they’re a good match. charles would not have very nice things to say. i think he’d think richard ‘fell for it’ with francis. his own complicated relationship with francis would predispose him to think they weren’t a genuine item. if he saw them down the line as an established couple he would probably just find it funny. and camilla… she’s sort of like “good for you crazy kids”. like it’s completely random to her but it tickles her nihilistic brain. later esp if she’s around them in person for some reason she’s just completely on board with it and has a strong fondness for their relationship bc it’s like, this one weird positive thing to have come out of the whole hampden disaster, AND it’s taken a lot of the strain out of richard’s relationship to her even though he never especially lets go of his camilla-shrine. richard’s naturally Very Embarrassed about being in any way datey with francis around her but it tapers off with age/habit despite his best efforts. francis on the other hand perversely enjoys making richard uncomfortable around camilla. guess which one she enables.

[jeremiah-fisher]

all my summers

—a the summer i turned pretty fic about first love, first heartbreak, and steven conklin ♡

「chapter six: life after high school」

STEVEN

I don’t know how I manage it, but all morning, I have been able to keep one eye on my delegated tasks at the snack shop and one eye on Shayla and her friends. I don’t know all their names, but the one in the bright pink dress – the same one Conrad was making out with at Jumper’s party a few days ago – is definitely Nicole. 

After what went down between her, Conrad, and Belly, it would be hard not to remember her face. And honestly, it’s not a bad face to look at anyways. All of Shayla’s friends are gorgeous. It’s like she picks her friends based on looks alone. I’m surprised more of them aren’t models. 

The thought strikes a pain in my chest, and I fall back into a memory I tucked away.

“Are you joking?”

Her laugh is pungent in the air as she browses her closet for something to wear. “Why would I lie about this, Steven?”

“I don’t know. It’s just weird.”

“Weird good or weird bad?”

“Weird… confusing.”

She turns around and drops a pair of black, denim jeans and a flowery crop top on the bed next to me. I smell her perfume and try not to die from inhaling her scent too fast. Her entire room smells like vanilla and summer air, but it’s her I can’t get enough of. I want to bury myself in her skin forever.

“I needed a job and this was a job I could do between school and extracurriculars. It’s not a big deal.”

I allowed her explanation to play back in my mind for a moment. In a way, I could understand what she was saying. We were always tight on money at home, and Mom often worked two or three jobs throughout the year to make ends meet. 

When she first got married, her and Dad had a good plan for their future. They put money aside for me and Belly to go to college, they had a little extra to spend on holidays, and they never said “no” when I asked for the good cereal at the grocery store. But after their divorce, Dad moved out to an apartment near the university where he taught astronomy three days out of the week; and Mom had to spend most of her week at a boring office job with only weekends to spare for her writing. 

I remember when I got my first job. It was a few weeks after their divorce. I really wanted to go on a trip with my class to Montreal but Mom couldn’t afford it. I hadn’t even asked her. I saw the permission slip, the six hundred and fifty dollar price tag, and applied to work at Barnes and Noble the next day. I didn’t get the job. So I tried at the local Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts, and even the gas station. In the end, Target was the only place which hired me. I worked there for four hours everyday after school and gave Mom what I had left over after footing me and Belly’s personal expenses. 

Summer didn’t like to talk about her family much, but I knew they were struggling. There had been rumours around town that her father had spent a few years in prison when she was younger. No one knows why and she won’t tell me. Not that I have ever asked. I guess I’m just scared to. How would I even bring it up? 

I clear my throat and tentatively ask, “So… what kind of modeling is it?”

Her smirk makes me grin. I love that she always knows exactly what I’m thinking. I laugh as I catch the cushion she throws at me. “It’s not swimsuit modeling, you sexist. It’s just some shots for Target.” 

I play with the frills on her white cushion. “I used to work at Target.” 

“What was it like?” 

“Hell,” I admit, thinking back to the miserly hours I spent shelving products just for assholes to come in and mess it all up after deciding that – no, they actually don’t want a jumbo ice maker for their garden party. I look up at her with a small smile. “It wouldn’t have been if I’d seen your pictures around, though.”

That’s when she climbs into my lap, causing me to lose my grip on the cushion which falls to the ground with a silent thud. Her arms wrap themselves around my neck and I grab her waist to keep her steady, although I know we’re not going anywhere as far as this soft bed is concerned. 

The hem of her skirt rides up, but I don’t think she even notices. Her eyes are swimming in mine, waves cresting as she rides up to my shore. 

I gulp, hoping she does not see the fear puddled in my own gaze. I want to hold her this way all the time. I never want to let her go. I don’t know what I ever did with any girl before her. They paled in comparison. As soon as I saw her that first night, I was a goner.

“I don’t really want to go out anymore. Is that okay?” 

I don’t even think before I nod in acceptance. “Yeah.”

“Good,” she says, and then her mouth is on my neck and I’m falling back in an endless sea of bedsheets and blankets. 

For a moment, I shut my eyes and will myself to forget. It used to work. Quite well, actually. I would be in class and someone would say something she would have said and I would close my eyes and beg myself not to remember. It was easier then, with life and responsibilities to crowd my head space. 

What am I supposed to do now that I have all this free time to think of her in a place where she is everywhere?

My thoughts are interrupted as Jeremiah walks up to the counter. He has a white t-shirt on that says LIFEGUARD in bold and bright red capital letters. He airs it out as he takes a seat on one of the tall chairs off to the side. Then he reaches out for a slice of caramel shortbread someone had ordered twenty minutes ago but never picked up. 

“This is delicious,” he says around a mouthful. “Did you make this?”

“No, one of the kitchen staff did.” I grab a slice for myself. If he’s eating, I might as well, too. When we were kids, me and Jeremiah could eat our way through Susannah’s entire pantry in a single afternoon – potato chips, salted crackers, chocolate wafers, and her saltwater taffy. We would start eating and never stop until we got sick to our stomachs. Conrad was smart, even back then, because he never ate more than a few chips and a couple of Jolly Ranchers. “Fuck, you’re right. This is amazing.”

Jeremiah grins and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. He nods his curly head back towards the pool. “So what’s going on with her?”

“Who?”

“You know who.”

Last night, as they were leaving the country club, Jeremiah and Daisy saw me get into Shayla’s car. Usually, I would hitch a ride with them or Conrad when he wasn’t busy doing who knows what, but Shayla had asked me to go to her house and I hadn’t refused. I should have. As soon as she tried to unbutton my shirt in her basement, I froze up. Like a fucking loser.

I shrug. “Nothing’s going on.”

Jeremiah appears pensive for a moment and then says, “I told you not to get sucked in.”

“I didn’t get sucked in.”

“So why are you avoiding her then?”

“I’m not avoiding her, jackass. I just…” I breathe out through my nose. “Fine. I’m avoiding her.” 

“What, did you find out she’s into some freaky shit?”

“That’s not–” Jeremiah snorts out a laugh as I shake my head. “I don’t know, man. I wanna like her. I do like her. Just not…” 

“The way you liked Summer?”

We don’t talk about it – me and him. We had spent almost a whole year without breaching the subject. Jeremiah is my oldest friend in the world, closer to me than even Conrad is. He knows everything there is to know about me, especially the stuff I can’t say aloud. I used to think he and I should have been brothers instead of him and Conrad. I used to be jealous that they had each other and all I had was Belly. I couldn’t talk to Belly about stuff like this. I couldn’t tell her about Summer or last August or even the fact that if Dad asked, I would move in with him permanently. You couldn’t say stuff like that to your kid-sister. 

“She’s a deb,” I tell him honestly. I look up at the ceiling for a second, trying to adjust my thoughts. “Like Belly… like Shayla.” 

A frown formed on his mouth. “Why do you sound sad about that?”

“Because we used to talk about it.” I swallow the lump in my throat as I think back to last summer when she told me her mother wanted her to be a debutante. She hadn’t cared much for it, which was surprising because I thought she was a perfect fit for something like that, but she thought it was pompous and dramatic and a little bit outdated for the twenty-first century. But her mother – who had been pushed away by society in Cousins after her husband went to prison – wanted a way back in, and she thought debuting her only daughter was the way to do it. “She said when the time came, I would be her escort.”

“You could still talk to her about it–” 

“No,” I shake my head, vehemently against the idea. “I can’t do that to her. If I try to get back into her life and I fuck it up… I just can’t.” 

Jeremiah sits back against his chair and stares at me. The intensity of his eyes grounds me in place, and I wait for what he has to say. “If I told Daisy I love her, do you think she’d believe me?”

“Yeah, ‘course she would. She’d probably chew my ear off about it, too.”

My friend chuckles, a little blush appearing on his cheeks. With other girls, he has always been the picture of cool and confident. There is not a single girl in Cousins and maybe not even Boston who has ever managed to make him shy. But Daisy? She does all that to him and more. It’s hilarious to watch because it feels like the slowest slow burn of all time, and I liked to write Dramione fic on the weekends. 

“When I think about life after grad,” he starts, this time, a little more quietly than before. Like what he is telling me is a secret he wants no one but me to know. “All I see is her. Us going to college together and living together and being with each other all the time. I think about us being married and how happy we would be.”

A sentimental sort of smile graces my lips. I tilt my head a little to peer at him. “You don’t think she wants that, too?”

“I don’t know. We’ve never talked about it.”

“Maybe you should.”

He eyes me, a little warily. “It’s not that easy.” 

“It should be.”

“Right? It should be.”

I blow out a puff of air. The atmosphere has changed. Jeremiah has the distinct ability to make me think deeply about everything we talk about. Belly thinks Conrad is the smarter, more emotional brother of the two but Jeremiah holds his own. He may not be a whiz around microscopes and encyclopedias, but he is emotionally intelligent and he never gets enough credit for that. 

“What are you saying, Jere?”

“It’s what I’m asking.” He gives me a small smile. “When you think about life after grad, do you think about being with her?” 

I shake my head. “That’s not allowed.”

“What’s not allowed?”

“I mean…” I shake my head harder as if that will somehow make the pressure of this conversation disappear. “I can’t think of a life with her. I fucked up. Last summer, remember? I broke her heart and then I left.” 

“You think you’re the only guy who’s ever broken a girl’s heart? Come on, man.” He hops off his chair and pushes crumbs off his shorts. “If she really loved you once, she’d let you explain.”

“What would I even tell her?” 

He starts walking backwards, back to pool duty where the little rich kids are causing mayhem in their tiny floaties. “Tell her what you told me.”

“And what was that?” 

“That you were so in love with her it scared you.”

. . . 

It’s insane what a girl’s anger can do to a guy’s psyche. Especially if there are two of them. 

An hour ago, Harry walked by the pool as Jeremiah and I were talking about a new video game we planned to play after work and asked me to help out at the Afternoon Tea Party the country club is hosting for the debutantes. I agreed because they promised to pay me extra, and I was not stupid enough to deny more money. Princeton is going to be expensive and the more of it I can pay off on my own, the better. 

Though now, standing in this room which feels like it gets smaller and smaller every time I breathe, I wonder if any amount of money is worth being on the tail end of female resentment. Because not only was my ex-girlfriend minimizing eye contact with me, I had managed to piss off my friend’s girl, too. Daisy looked like she was on the verge of tears as she walked around the room serving tea. I know for a fact that if she could make a voodoo doll of me and stab it ten thousand times, she would.

On the other hand, Shayla’s emotions towards me are the complete opposite. Every time she looks my way, it’s with hearts in her eyes. 

I know I should be more grateful. Here is this beautiful girl who’s really into me and wants to make out with me in the back of her car and wants to show me off to her friends and her family, and here I am, trying to abstain from all of that. 

Her attention feels suffocating, and I feel like I can’t breathe. And still, I can’t help but yield to her wants anyway. I let her kiss my cheek and I make a big show of bowing towards her like a prince, even as Belly makes a face that looks like a cross between disgust and surprise. I do it all to appease Shayla and I don’t know why. 

In the back of my mind, my focus is entirely on Summer. 

I don’t know why I thought it wouldn’t be when she’s dressed the way she is and she laughs the way she does and smiles for everyone but me. Her table is two away from Shayla’s and every time I pass by hers, I wonder what it would be like if I refilled Summer’s mug with black tea before Daisy could. 

When Jeremiah takes her away, a hand on her wrist and a worried look in his eye, I tell myself I will do it. It is the perfect opportunity to float over to Summer’s table and pretend to serve her and her friends just to be able to be near her again. 

At the precise moment that I decide I am going to do it, I notice Shayla and her friends passing a flask around. Paige is none the wiser, but if she gets a whiff of the situation, all of them are screwed. 

I make a selfish choice and I pretend not to see it. I turn my head and walk towards Summer’s table, my eyes trained on the back of her head. Her best friend, Vivian, who is apparently also a debutante, sees me coming. I don’t give her a chance to rat me out. I stretch a hand out to grab the small plate next to Summer’s tea cup. 

I watch her entire body freeze. It feels like a freeze frame moment in the movies when they break through the fourth wall and throw out a line that either makes you laugh or question your entire existence. 

“Can I interest you ladies in some mini quiche?” The words come out wobbly and uncertain, and I hope nobody picks up on it as I trade her empty plate for one with the quiche. I set it down next to her and ask, almost to the back of her head, “Anything else I can get you?”

Vivian speaks up first. “How about leaving us alone?”

I throw her an offended look even though I know I have no right. “I… sure, yeah. I can do that.”

And I almost do it. I plan on doing exactly as Vivian asked by taking gigantic steps away from their table with a promise to never return when my eyes fall on the plate of pistachios I shelled as I waited for this room to fill with guests. Even back then, I think I knew I would find a way to talk to her, to give her a piece of myself that I know I shouldn’t. 

Vivian casts me a dirty look, enough to fend off a guy much smarter than I, and I blatantly ignore it as I take a palmful of the pistachios and set them next to Summer’s mini quiche. 

My fingers shake the whole time and I don’t have to look at the girls to know they all saw it. I had managed to plaster my idiocy to a billboard for all to see. 

And like before, when I should have left, I know a part of me – really, all of me – should be embarrassed. Embarrassed enough to walk away with finality; embarrassed enough to say ‘sorry.’ But I don’t. I want her to look at me, to give me her raging eyes so badly that I know I would ruin myself for her forever. 

When she does not look at me, I take in a breath and start to move towards the sidelines again and wait for instructions from Paige. Every step is an ache and a pain and I have to dig my nails into my palms to keep myself from glancing at Summer again. I feel like I could die from wanting to see her face. 

By the time I return to my post, I hear Gigi giggling like a maniac with the flask from before still in her hand. I think to tell her off about it then switch gears and ask Daisy, who has just returned from talking to Jeremiah, to do it instead. I don’t know if I have it in me to be strict with Shayla’s friends when I’m still trying to make sense of what just happened to me. 

Daisy is reluctant at first but agrees to do it anyway. The whole thing lasts less than a minute. I see her grab the flask out of Shayla’s hand as she’s passing it to Gigi again. It disappears into the pocket of her slacks and then her hand wraps around Gigi’s teacup. I watch her say something to the blonde but she is hardly listening. Her hand goes inside Daisy’s pocket, evidently to grab the flask, and down goes the teacup into a thousand shards at her feet. I make a move to go help her, apologies on my tongue yet again, when Paige steps in with a tough voice and even harsher statements. I grab a sweeper and a dust bin. 

Daisy rushes out of the room in tears as I start to clean up the mess, so I quickly text Jeremiah to let him know. He’ll know what to do. He’s the only person in the whole world who can make her smile when it’s the last thing she wants to do. 

Paige thanks me after I finish cleaning up and set the materials aside. I only nod at her and step away into the back, heading for the restrooms to wash my hands. I don’t only end up washing my hands but my face, too. It feels hot to the touch and as I look at myself in the mirror, I wonder what would happen if I left my post and just went home. I don’t need money for school that badly. The government still gives out loans, as far as I know. 

I stride out of the restroom with my face still a little wet and droplets of moisture clinging to the hair at my forehead. Each time I push it away, more of it falls into my eyes. Eventually, I give up and start heading back to the tea room. 

A figure in a sage toned dress and her hair set perfectly under a fascinator stops me in my tracks. My breathing sharpens, and I cannot stop looking at her. I feel like I’m trapped in a whirlwind of chaos. 

Summer eyes me for a minute. Her brown orbs trail the length of my body, down and up until she finally says, “I’m not going to help you cheat.”

I stare at her blankly, my mind short-circuiting. “W-What?”

She lifts her shoulder off the wall and takes several steps close to me. From the short distance between us, I can smell her. Her scent. I will myself not to breathe her in like oxygen I’ve been deprived of until now. “I know you think of me as a joke, but I’m a person, Steven. I have feelings. Just because you can’t figure your crap out with Shayla does not mean I’ll be your side piece until you do.”

“Me and Shayla aren’t even dat–”

“That’s not the point,” she interjects, pure venom dripping from her words. “I see the way she looks at you. I looked at you like that once. I don’t know her so I really don’t care if you fuck her over like you did me, but what I won’t do is help you.” 

“I’m not–” 

Summer takes three steps towards me and grabs my hand. My body goes numb. Out of everything that could have happened, I didn’t expect her to touch me, much less take hold of a part of me that was so easy for her to do before. Back when we never gave affection a thought apart from giving it to one another.

With fingers that are much gentler than the solid discontent laced in her features, Summer opens my hand and drops the pistachios I gave her earlier right into my palm. They should not weigh me down in the least, but they do. They feel like the heaviest things on Earth. 

Her eyes meet mine. “I can’t do this again, Steven. I barely survived you the first time.”

I open my mouth to say something – to explain, like Jere advised me to – but nothing passes my lips. I stay silent, unmoving, even as she curls my fingers over my palm again and walks away. 

When she turns the corner, I finally find the courage to open my hand again and there they are – pistachios I shelled for her because they are her favourite snack. We used to eat them together whilst we watched movies. She’d even sprinkle them into the popcorn, and I hated that so much. 

I hated how much I loved her. 

I can’t help myself when the realization dawns and I notice there is one missing. 

I counted them out. I’m anal about numbers. I hadn’t been getting straight A’s in math since I was in the fourth grade for nothing. 

Ten pistachios. That’s how many I shelled and put on her plate. But now there are only nine. 

[spirk-trek]

ah i think my last ask might have sent early (if it didnt ignore this bit lol!) but here are some spirk themed songs !! saw your spirk playlist (which was awesome) and felt compelled to share some as well :]

1. the difference between us (by leonard nimoy (!!)) seems like stuff maybe spock would say when they first meet?

2. i’d love making love to you (also by leonard nimoy) no notes LOL

3. dear friend, (by dayglow) think of this one as from jim’s pov, perhaps they havent seen each other in a while

4. your magic is working (by of montreal) i think of this one as spock’s pov, like he’s grappling with his love for jim !! the line “you are a star… i mean a starlet” is also really cute and i have a headcanon that perhaps spock calls jim his ‘starlet’

5. mi capitán (by kiltro) theres really no logical reason for this song haha

6. against the kitchen floor (by will wood) the line “i just havent learned how to be human as you are yet” gets me all the time

7. i dont have a name for it (by steam powered giraffe) thinking about this as a duet between them like hi… gets me all the time

anyways sorry for rambling in your ask box but hope you find at least 1 or 2 of these songs to work for spirk :]

omg i love leonard's music! and of montreal! can't wait to listen to these on the way to work tomorrow :) tysm they sound so cute!

update: amazing, beautiful, 10/10. everyone go listen!

[otter1962crystalball]

Love, Depression & Letting Go.

June 14th, 2024

Happy 14th Day of Pride! Today I am writing about falling in love along with letting go when the love flies away and how depression and anxiety can almost destroy a person.

As I look back on my life since seroconverting, depression was often waiting in the wings for me. Yesterday I wrote of the deep depression I felt over losing Eddy the first time. When I decided to leave, I had concerns about living alone in a small city such as Jonquière, Québec. Very few people spoke English, with the exception of the teachers at the CEGEP de Jonquière. This was college level teaching in ESL (English as a Second Language). I felt very isolated and didn’t really make any friends while teaching there. I was also teaching step and aerobics at a local gym. I didn’t really befriend anyone. In fact, I had to insist a woman leave me alone as she stalked me. I guess that she hadn’t figured out that I was not going to hook up with her. Who knows, maybe she thought she could change me…

Anyway, during that year of teaching ESL, the only person I really talked to was a former professor from my degree. We had hit it off because he and his wife were living there at the time.  Most of my time was taken up with walking Bailey and playing on the internet. I had to do so at the CEGEP in the teacher’s lounge because back in those days most houses didn’t have Internet yet. I’d sign in and go to the lounge and hook up to IRC (Inter Relay Chat). I just looked it up on the Internet and it still exists! 

Once on, I would link into gay chatrooms. You could only type text and send pictures to someone. It was there that I met a guy that I will call “Jeff.” We chatted on a regular basis and I found out he lived in Vancouver. I told him that I was going to move there to go to the University of British Columbia to upgrade my teaching degree. Jeff and I really started sharing a lot and we started talking about what might happen when we met. We had exchanged pictures and there was a connection, so we both started looking forward to meeting each other. This took place in the dead of winter and it was so bloody cold there. All I could think of was escaping and going to Vancouver.

So, when school was done, I resigned and packed about 15 boxes and sent them to my sister’s place by UPS. Bailey, TC, Bob and Marnie came with me. To be honest, I can’t even remember how I got to the Montreal airport. I do remember getting the dog and cats ready to fly.

When I arrived in Vancouver, my sister took Bailey to a vet where they boarded dogs. The cats came with me to her apartment. Not long after, I found an apartment in the West End. It was a filthy apartment, but relatively cheap back in those days. I spent a long time cleaning it and painting the walls and the kitchen cabinets. Jeff and I hung out and began a relationship.

The next year, we moved in together, first in his current apartment and then the top floor of a duplex. Later, we bought a townhouse together. We were a couple for almost five years. 

One day, Jeff decided that he didn’t like our sexual lives together, of which I won’t go into detail. That night he decided, we were lying in bed and he told me he wanted out. I got upset and moved to the second bedroom. I was in such shock that I couldn’t sleep. I even ended up in the hospital, where the doctor gave me some Ativan to take and told me to go home. This was the start of one of the most deep depressions that I have ever lived.

I felt totally lost. I managed to continue to work at my school where I now had a permanent position. I literally tried to escape living in the townhouse with Jeff, so I moved into a friend’s place. That didn’t work out too well as the friend made passes at me and I was too weak to say no and let him. This was winter of 2001, when I went home to my parents’ for Christmas, so depressed that I couldn’t function. It was also the time when my father had his first stroke. The whole family got together to decide what to do.

I could barely function. My older brother told me to stop being so glum - it was a part of life for a parent to have a stroke. Little did my brother know what I was going through. We all decided our parents live in a condo that was easy to navigate for my Dad. 

After that, I went to my sister’s for a while, but her male partner didn’t like me. I think that he was rather homophobic. So part way into my stay, my sister came and told me that she was putting me on a plane because the two of them needed to set their New Year’s goals. I knew the real reason and didn’t speak to my sister for almost ten years.

When I got home, I immediately went to another friend’s place because I didn’t want to be sexually harassed by the other guy. Looking back at the time, I was depressed over losing Jeff, not being able to function well at work or do much of anything.

The townhouse that Jeff I owned was sold and I got a nice sum of money. I ended buying a condo in the West End. I hit a snag because the bank where I was requesting the mortgage made unreasonable demands. The representative made me get a second line of credit with another bank in order to allow me to get a mortgage. It turned out that he was being very unreasonable and I got another representative who really took me under his wing. This snag made my depression even worse.

I settled into my condo and I tried to move on. I spent many nights walking around the West end, the seawall or going to the bathhouse. Tuesdays were cheap locker night. A friend convinced me to go so that I wouldn’t stay at home and be depressed. The anonymous sex did help, I guess.

And then, one night it all changed. I’ll tell you about that tomorrow. I began this blog about how depression could destroy someone. It almost destroyed me… 

I want to finish off by saying that I’ve skipped many, many details in all of my blog entries. Maybe, I should write a book… For Pride, I am celebrating support for those who are depressed. I needed an ear to share all of my pain and I’ve always been open to returning the favour to anyone who needed the same. If you know someone who is depressed, reach out to them. It could change things for that person to know there is someone who will listen.

Carpe diem, everyone. Happy Pride!

[sagiow]

15 questions

tagged by @tough-n-dumb, thanks friend!

Were you named after anyone?

Not “after”, per se, but my dad “discovered” my name after making a new friend in the glorious Montreal Red Light Disco District... who turned out to be an Italian exotic male dancer (he never told my mom that’s where he got the inspiration from until 30-some years later)

My middle name is my mom’s because my frazzled, mid-20s, overwhelmed first-time parents hadn’t thought of one before he went to register my birth so he kinda blanked and went with hers and she was pissed off because she doesn’t  like her name.

0/2, Papa.

When was the last time you cried?

Some time in the last month.

Do you have kids?

Two, elementary school age, although the eldest is solidly in his tweens and giving me a fantastic preview of the fun years ahead.

Do you use sarcasm?

Just did, didn’t I?

Actually, much less than I used to when I was younger. Mostly for joking around  or ranting about our incompetent colleagues with my work wife.

What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Not to sound like a hippie on Main, but I’d say their energy? Their vibe? Some people come off as very warm, and others colder (and some, downright antipathic). Some have this bubbling, crackling energy to them, others are super chill and calm. Some have this spark of intelligence or quick wit about them, and others make you wonder if there’s anybody home. So a bit of all of that.

A smile, greeting and eye contact (can all be super quick, just acknowledge you see the other person) go a long way in giving off good vibes, so we’ll definitely start on the wrong foot if the other person doesn’t do any of those. Be polite.

What’s your eye color?

Brown

Scary movies or happy endings?

I don’t like scary / horror movies with gore and torture. I do enjoy a good ghost story (the Gothicker, the better) and some psychological horror.

Love happy endings although unhappy ones definitely inspire a lot more fanfic.

Any special talents?

I never look at the picture when doing jigsaw puzzles and WILL complete it before you do.

Where were you born?

Province of Québec, Canada

What are your hobbies?

Phew... there’s a few, and they tend to be seasonal. Summer is reading, hiking, baseball, gardening, camping. Other seasons have baking, crochet, watching TV, playing old-school computer games, and getting ready for whatever holiday or birthday is upcoming. Puzzles and writing year-round (if inspiration striked and fellow fans are around!)

Have any pets?

2 cats (and often at least another because we are a foster family to our local rescue), 2 rabbits and 4 3 chicken (found one dead yesterday after that major storm / tornado passed. Her ancient 3 year old heart couldn’t handle it. RIP Matante.)

What sports do/have you played?

Phew... there’s a few there too. I’m always down to play pretty much anything with a ball (beach volleyball! street ball hockey!), but on the other hand, will probably get my Canadian citizenship revoked at some point because I do no winter sport except for snowshoeing and some shitty skating.

I played provincial-level softball and badminton in school. I did recreational synchronized swimming, various styles of dance, varsity basketball. Now, I play softball, tennis (although my dad is aggressively trying to draft me into pickleball), try to get in a game of golf or two per summer (every addition to this sentence makes me feel 10 years older). In non-summer, I practice aikido, and love hiking, especially in the fall.

How tall are you?

5′7″, or 170cm

Favorite subject at school?

History and Drama in High School, Anthropology and some of my Forensics classes in University (”no applied science”, you ask? meh, not really. Science was me playing Life on Safe Mode).

Dream Job?

I would’ve loved to study Anthropology further and become an archeologist (although I did take one Biological / Genetic Anthro class that was absolutely fascinating and made me reconsider Things) but I’d had enough Academia back then. I wanted to get a job, stop being beyond broke, and travel.

Nowadays I get this massive urge to dump everything corporate and move someplace with shorter, kinder winters, ideally not too far from the sea, and get a bunch of goats and chicken, fruit trees and grapevines, grow a shitload of tomatoes and eggplant, bake bread daily, and write in the evenings. Just need to win the lottery first but then I’m makin’ it happen.

tagging (apologies for the double tags if you got them, I lost track) @jomiddlemarch, @tortoisesshells, @fericita-s, @combat-librarian, @divinecomedienne, @luarenah

[nyagrounds]

BETS AGAINST THE VOID - a chosendark playlist

(...edit, the embed seems to be wrong?????? i recently edited the song order and cut some songs but its not reflecting it for some reason. maybe itll be fixed later or smth but for now heres a static link to the actual thing: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/09ZLrgwE8pp0RQltFBCevE?si=2555ac48895a452f)

Los Campesinos! - We Throw Parties, You Throw Knives

when you play pass the parcel with human bodyparts / somebody might get head but someone will get hurt / and i’ll sing what you like / if you shout it straight back at me

The Wombats - Walking Disasters

and flowers may wilt when we walk past / and self-help might help when it makes us laugh / only finding questions in answers, / you and i are just walking disasters

The Front Bottoms - Everything I Own

but i won't stop this, and you won't stop this, / it'll probably go further than either of us wanted it / it all comes down to the fact that i don't care to / sacrifice a good time 'cause someone says I have to

Of Montreal - We Will Commit Wolf Murder

anti-human armies spring from every angle / you're the only soldier i don't want to strangle / i can see it's a dolorous fate (so don't expect us to cooperate) / anyway it's five lives too late /

(and there's blood in my hair)

The Scary Jokes - Jeanine

guess it doesn't really matter if you're open or not / i'm verbose enough for the both of us / and we can't all be open floodgates after all / but you don't have to be a dam for me

Stars - We Don’t Want Your Body

the window blinds are drawn / you flash some trash to turn me on / i sigh and frown and start to cough / your hunger starts to turn me off

The Front Bottoms - HELP

on some nights there's something cool to do / on some nights there is nothing to do at all / i guess it's cool for right now / just like everything else

OK Go - The Writing’s on the Wall

it seems like forever since we had a good day / the writing's on the wall / but i just wanna get you high tonight / i just wanna see some pleasure in your eyes / some pleasure in your eyes

The Front Bottoms - Be Nice To Me

what's it matter anymore / if you believe the lies i tell / there's no meaning to the words but we still sing these songs well / if we all left it alone i'm sure it'll work itself out fine / we keep playing with the numbers, we are running out of time

Spoon - Rainy Taxi

and when you stand beside me, i feel something stronger than i ever could / but if you leave, you better run away for good

Kim Petras - Tell Me It’s A Nightmare

be careful when you love me / i'm only out for blood / you know i’d be the end of you / but you always wanted more

DECO*27 - アンドロイドガール

is it alright to indulge in "sentimentalism"? / am i allowed to long for those days, even now? / is that a yes or a no? / tell me clearly

Spoon - Shotgun

calling for blood with your battle song / i'd rather not, got my own thing going on / i never wanted to take it outside / you're the one that had to go bring that fight

The Wombats - Our Perfect Disease

let’s not talk about hate when there’s hell to pay / for my cowardice and your bad timing / we don’t admit it but we’ve never seen eye to eye / and it’s not due to lack of trying

WALK THE MOON - In My Mind

the phone is off the hook, the keys are down the drain / just an empty book with nothing on the page / i no longer have the voice to say goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

Grimes - Pin

dirt in your fingernails, blood on your knees / but did that ever make you happy? / i think you were my best friend / gentle, do not reprehend / i know it hasn't been a dream / but if you pardon, I will mend

The Scary Jokes - Bets Against the Void

will you remember me when our spirits scatter off? / i know i'm an artist cause i just can't stand the thought / that a love as beautiful as ours could be / forgotten

[baroquepopcorn]

1. BIIII 🩷💜💙

2. The webcomic aurora, also twin fantasy (the album)

3. wine is a drug, right?

4. None

5. 1 (not counting family)

6. Big and open with lots of natural light, wooden furniture, plants, comfortable couches, and interesting art

7. My friends (they’re so good at coding)

8. Drag race as of rn (love you GiGi)

9. am I made of stone?

10. Yes I have two. One for especially important posts, the other for achillean boyliking

11. The house of some billionaire who is fucking the world over (whichever one whose mysterious perishing will cause the most good)

12. I’ll be real, I just want to have tender love with a cute boy with nice music playing and go on a dinner date and then make out in the shower to some car seat headrest music

13. No

14. On university tuition. And then I’d buy me a house (but not a real big house, not in this economy), then put away whatever’s left and save a bit to spend on fancy dinners and nice clothes

15. No :(

16. No

17. Yes (politicians and rich people mostly)

18. None

19. I think my name fits my vibe pretty well, but I guess I’ve always liked the name Erin, or maybe James…

20. (Didn’t you already ask this question?) indie pop music, the webcomic what happens next, homestuck, math, tumblr

21. She’s an absolute sweetheart with a delightfully dark and random sense of humor, but man she needs to take better care of herself and actually trust that people like her

22. I don’t know any hot blogs sorry

23. Marina, the cranberries, belle and Sebastian, mitski, Tori Amos

24. Italy (either abruzzo or Liguria), Sweden, Montreal in Quebec

25. Hanging out with a bunch of cool friends and joking around and playing cards against humanity and smash bros

26. Autumn 🍂🍁

27. People who are too stubborn to listen

28. My bestie prolly

29. Anything marvel/Star Wars

30. @flesh-is-the-fever

31. Paper prolly, easy on the eyes, but I love me a good free pdf

32. Greg Egan’s post-human utopia as seen in schild’s ladder

33. Like it is now but with more stuff, and more natural materials

34. Black and iced

35. Yes, so many people

36. We’re still best friends, good times

37. No

38. Only on holidays

39. No :)

40. I’d have to see them in person first

41. 23 :)

42. Tall, thin, long black hair, impeccable fashion sense

43. Shitty ‘adult’ animated cartoons

44. am I made of stone?

45. Ionno, I liked all my dates so far

46. 134

47. Saiorse ronan <3

48. Tall, thin, long black hair, impeccable fashion sense, likes to talk about stuff we like together a lot, likes to cuddle

49. My bestie

50. Either sunny, 10-19 degrees, or very snowy and cloudy and windy

@anxietyyqueenn @sadpurpleblood @anarchywoofwoof @flesh-is-the-fever @dndmomquotes @taxi-boi @kitkatsmol @carnivaldisasters @eponymoussquared

Be nosy

1. What’s your sexual orientation?

2. What are you obsessed with right now?

3. Ever done any drugs?

4. What piercings do you want?

5. How many people have you kissed?

6. Describe your dream home.

7. Who are you jealous of?

8. What’s your favorite show to binge?

9. Do you watch porn?

10. Do you have a secret sideblog?

11. If you could teleport anywhere in the world right now, where would you go?

12. What’s one of your fantasies?

13. Do you have/would you get your nipples pierced?

14. How would you spend a million dollars?

15. Are you in a relationship?

16. Do you follow porn blogs?

17. Are you angry with anyone right now?

18. What tattoos do you want?

19. If you could change your name, would you? What would you change it to?

20. What is something you’re obsessed with?

21. Describe your best friend.

22. Tag someone you think is hot.

23. Who are five of your favorite bands/musical artists?

24. What are three places you want to travel?

25. Describe your perfect Friday night.

26. What’s your favorite season?

27. What’s your pet peeve?

28. Who is the funniest person you know?

29. What’s the most overrated movie?

30. Tag someone you want to talk to but have been too shy to message.

31. Do you like paper books or ebooks better?

32. If you could live in a fictional world, what world would you pick?

33. If money was no object, what would your wardrobe be like?

34. What’s your coffee order?

35. Do you have a crush on anyone?

36. Do you still have feelings for any of your exes?

37. Have any tattoos?

38. Do you drink?

39. Are you a virgin?

40. Do you have a crush on any of your mutuals?

41. How many followers do you have?

42. Describe the hottest person you know.

43. What’s your guilty pleasure?

44. Do you read erotica?

45. What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?

46. How many people do you follow?

47. If you could marry any celebrity, who would you pick?

48. Describe your ideal partner.

49. Who do you text the most?

50. What’s your favorite kind of weather?

[sonyadance]

Travels and Dancing 19

Back to our scheduled program. No seriously, I need to write more of these: maybe every six months? I’ve been slacking. In my defense, life has been crazy. Is it ever not though?

The last Travels and dancing was a short list of what I could express after the year I had gone through. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. Obviously, I didn’t realize it while I was in it. In fact, when I met him, I thought I’ve never felt so respected and safe and I felt like I could be myself. How could that go wrong? Well… we met in Mexico. He was on vacations, and I was there to stay for a while. We had a good time and I thought nothing more of it. Then he called me to know if I wanted to come to Toronto to see him and see if it could develop into something beautiful. I thought about it for a month and a half (which is really long for my normal speed), and then I said yes. I sent most of my stuff with a stranger back to my parent’s place because it felt too much of a commitment to get to his place with my house in my luggage. He told me I should have brought it all. He welcomed me with open arms. He asked me if I wanted to have kids. We went to Montreal to get all my stuff. We moved in, and then… and then, I don’t know. I’m still confused about the whole thing. I know why I stayed: I’m secretly petrified that I’m a bad person (and that I resemble my mom in certain unhealthy aspects), so when the small comments started, I thought: Of course! I’m not perfect. If I was, the relationship would work. I need to work on myself more. I started going to therapy with the premise that he was amazing and I was broken. And it continued until I was only a shred of the person I used to be. I thought dance left me. I thought nothing was possible anymore. And then I found out some… things (and I’ll assure you, what you’re thinking was there -talks of other women-, but that was the least bad of the whole thing). I panicked. It jerked me out of my trance, I called my father and he left at 5am from Montreal on a Sunday to drive all the way to Toronto to pick me up and my stuff and be gone before my partner would come back. That’s all I’ll say about this for now.

Then I got to Montreal and my body started acting up. I was sick, not feeling well emotionally and physically, but at the same time, I had a feeling of freedom and that I could do anything, dance was coming back, all I thought was, wasn’t true. I finished schoolwork for the year in a week and went on a high trying to reorganize my life, find an apartment and much more. My body didn’t like it. I started doing medical tests and then I left for contracts I already had booked, which are really important for me to honor.

BTO Open was the beginning of me seeing the contrast in my real world from what I had been living in for a year: people appreciated me, were nice and full of love, I wasn’t a piece of shit. Wow. I had an amazing time teaching my intensive about mental preparation for competition, dancing with everybody, chatting, competing in JnJ and Strictly (which I thought I wasn’t going to do because I felt at 10% and someone told me: even at 10% I’d like to see you dance). I had amazing dances and placements, which I normally don’t care so much about, but I needed it as I was in the first stages of putting the pieces of myself back together. And of course, spending time with Nelson as we could through the event to create a short, fun routine for the Saturday night show. I needed that. The fun, the camaraderie, the expression, firing up some creativity. Thank you to everybody that was around for the weekend.

Then I drove all the way to Toronto with some good friends so I could catch an early morning flight to Victoria where I was teaching for a week. I got there and felt really tired. Oh well, it’s pretty normal before an event. I thought two full days of privates and I crashed. I was supposed to go skiing and I had to cancel last minute. I tried to handle myself, but it was really bad and I ended up in the hospital (which, if you know me, I don’t go to). I was petrified that I caught something and was going to make everybody sick, but nobody got sick. It was really my body. I managed to teach all my Saturday workshops, they asked me if I wanted to cancel, but I had to do it, for my mental health. I postponed my departure, finished teaching some privates, got a bit better and I left on a cross-country trip to bring my car and my things back to Québec. Oh yeah, I think I skipped that story. In the fall, I was visiting my best friend who had moved to BC, my partner was supposed to join me there. He postponed because of some work things, then called to say he wanted to break up, had packed all my stuff and where did I want him to send it. So I was stranded in BC with only my carry-on, I freaked out, he changed his mind and came back, said he loved me, I decided to keep trying, but I didn’t want to go back to Toronto because I needed to have some self-respect through it all (should have had more). I had a little bit of money aside that I had been piling up for years in the hopes to have a cash down for a house and as things were going, I realized that I was never going to achieve that with the meagre amount I had, so I decided to buy a used car, built something to sleep in it and go explore Victoria and the community there. I’m skipping a lot of details, but that’s basically why I was retrieving my car to now go settle back in Québec.

I took the ferry to the mainland, discovered how much I love to drive just for the sake of having time in my head: nobody to talk too, no internet, no distractions. I went all the way to Castlegar where my friend lives and visited for a few days to spend time with her and the kids. They are amazing, a beautiful family and it was really interesting to see how their personalities had change even from the fall to the spring. My friend and her husband have been there for me since the fall and the mess in my relationship and I hope they know how much it was appreciated and essential to have a safe haven were I could catch my breath for a while.

Driving through Banff, I got to Calgary Dance Stampede. I haven’t done many country events before, but I will say: I loved it! I found everybody nice and relatable, and I absolutely loved doing the Invitational JnJ which I learned was five dances to be determined on the spot… with a twist. So 2m before going on stage, I asked Marc Davidson if he could give me a run down of the rhythms and specificity. It went a bit like this: cha-cha it’s the same, two-step obvisously slowslowquickquickslow…, waltz you know, wcs ok, polka chasse up chasse up – no up on turns, east coast ok… anyway, it went beautifully. I got to my first partner, whom I’d obviously never danced with, and they called a waltz. Perfect, I got this… without touching each other. I had a long sleeve jacket still on: I took it off, put it around my shoulders and had my partner hold the sleeves. We did a beautiful waltz across the floor which some people called cheating, I just called it smart. Then it was a chacha. Ok… with crazy rhythms change throughout. A dance, which I don’t even remember the name, that is not even part of the 8… everybody looked a bit silly on this one, so perfect for my skill level. Then came the line dance. A 64 counts line dance with two walls that we had to learn on the spot and then face the leaders to create this cool effect. Things were going fairly well, they had said we had to do the whole things twice, so after that, the lady called out: Do whatever you want! Which she said because half the people were messing up the steps, but I took as a call to… do whatever I wanted. I ended spinning on my butt and crawling on the floor with some hair flip and John Lindo walking over me. I think that’s what did it. We ended up with a polka/wcs. I got 5th place for the follows and I’m actually really proud of it even if nobody cared about the placements. 😊 After more teaching, judging, dancing, hanging out with the staff, I left early Monday morning to continue my road east.

I somehow miscalculated the number of days I had to get to my next gig in Toronto and thought I had to drive 12h/day. I did that the first day. No. Just no. Not fun. I crashed when I got to my hotel and thanked the lady who made me a salad even if the restaurant was closed because she saw how weary I was. The next day I drove 10 hours, which is more human, but still not super fun, only to realize I had one more day than I thought to get to my destination. I did 7 hours, which was smooth in comparison and then 5 hours the next day. 5 hours is ideal if you are on a road trip: you actually have time to enjoy, smell the roses and get to destination. I finally made it to Toronto where I was welcomed as my home, met with some of the best people in town, taught a workshop and privates, danced and left for the last leg of the trip.

I was so happy to make it to Montreal, to my parent’s place. At first, I was really adamant in finding an apartment for my return and make sure I had a home, but being able to stay with my family for a while really saved my ass in all the ways possible. I got settles into the room they had emptied and prepared for me, and again, I felt a surge of love I haven’t felt before. I think there were always a lot of people who loved me around, and I knew it, but I didn’t properly feel it. After that relationship, the contrast is so stark, that there is no other option than to feel it! I have to admit, the rest of the return to Québec wasn’t smooth at all: I received a bill from the Victoria hospital that I had to pay and supposedly get reimburse by Québec (they paid a 1/6 of it…), I learned that my car had to get inspected to change province and started an epic run around to get all things done to stop paying the 256$/month insurance associated with the BC car insurance system, it ended up costing me 3000$ for unuseful things, more organizational and financial stuff came up, and my body crashed completely. I think it knew I was done with my main contracts and I had a break. I ended up on a list for surgery, needing to cancel a month of work, only to get a call three days before telling me they had to postpone to next month. I still haven’t done the surgery. I think I’ll ride it out as long as possible: I don’t see an option were I can cancel another month of work in the near future.

Change of topic to brighter things. I had an amazing weekend with Flore that we organized at a big chalet in Québec, only for women. It was a soft, touching, slow paced weekend, where beautiful connections were made. I then flew to Arizona to coach one of my student, I had been coaching online for months, but had never met in person! It was a beautiful weekend, with a workshop, lots of privates, walks in the park, ended up in the first pride parade of Tempe, a nice game night and a visit to the desert botanical garden. I started coaching again in Montreal, choreographing for people, and then I got to Liberty. Honestly, preparing for the opening ceremony with all my peers, I hadn’t seen in ages, was probably the highlight of my weekend! I had a blast being there, seeing everybody, dancing, judging, teaching privates, walking around the area and competing. Strictly was on Friday and although we didn’t make it to finals, I was really happy with how we presented ourselves. By Sunday, when JnJ was, I was completely exhausted… I hadn’t recuperated yet from all the health stuff and I got carried away with wanting to social dance and be out and about all weekend. So yeah, JnJ was pretty horrendous from my part. Life happens. 😉

I went to TOSHC in Toronto for the first time. It feels so good to be at a hometown event. I also love the crossover events where you get to meet new people and mingle and exchange with pros from another genre. The hustle room was awesome, the west coast swing vibes were impeccable, and the Invitational was… insane! I’m not sure how many dances total ended up in there: it was initially supposed to be hustle and wcs, but there was salsa, chacha, twostep, balboa, lindy, rumba, and more! And let’s not forget the all-skate where things went sideways in the best way possible and where Stephen and I did an impromptu lift, I wish we had on camera!

Rock the barn came with its midnight sun, beautiful people and fresh air. As always, it’s my favorite event of the year. It’s the mix of dancing outside (well, in open air barns), eating delicious meals at the cafeteria with everybody, teaching tons of lessons, having heated technical discussions with the staff in our little house, dancing with everybody, feeling relaxed even if I work the most of all year, the pre-event barbecue, the tent crawl… this event has personality. I got to share it with one of my favorite person this year: Nelson Clarke. And last, but definitely not least, I dared to teach a concept I had been wanting to teach in wcs since I started osteopathy but didn’t know if people were actually going to be receptive. And omg they were! I had a whole class of advanced and AS touching each other’s forearm for about 45m and everybody loved it. Some even said it was the best AS class they had done. The concept I talked about is so important in how you approach your partner and to make sure you get the best response out of your partner: them feeling relaxed, free in their body and trusting. I taught it twice now (the second time not to a wcs crowd) and it needs to be an intensive. I think 4h would be ideal to start and get a good feel for it… anyway, more on that in another blog. Feel free to contact me if you want more info and for me to come teach it in your city. 😉

I came back to Montreal, went and stayed with my grandmother since she just got surgery, and it was really a blast: I hadn’t spent time face to face with her since Covid… wow. I taught a workshop, privates, packed my bags and left for a magical road trip. A student from Toronto met me in Montreal and we drove to Halifax stopping by an auberge by the water I had been wanting to visit for years. It was the perfect set up and felt really peaceful. We then stopped in Moncton, and I found this beautiful cycling trail by the water, so I woke up early before the end of the drive to get a move on. I am so thankful for my student who found this bicycle rack for me and allowed me to spend time on the best cycling trails on the east coast. I had the most magical welcome in Halifax, in a beautiful home, by beautiful humans, who even went online to find vegan recipes and food they could cook for me. It was so good, and I was so full by the end of the weekend! We had a beautiful Friday dance by the waterfront, and I put my eyes on an island I wanted to go visit. Saturday were the workshops and teacher’s training, then dinner with the collective. Sunday morning, a group of people came with me to George’s island and we had beautiful weather for the dancing barbecue in the afternoon. I even found time to go to two pole class during the weekend in between all the activities, the workshops and the privates.

I decided to go to Prince-Edward-Island since I had already crossed most of the provinces by car this year. The only one I’m missing is Newfoundland. I tried to make it work, but it was too much of a detour. One ferry over, a detour to visit Charlottetown and I got to Stanhope for cold beach time, some car camping, improvised folk songs at the campground, a peaceful bike ride by the ocean, and… my first fire! Almost… I had to go ask a park ranger to help me. I felt a bit ashamed to ask, but they told me people asked all the time. Turns out, everything was really wet and even the ranger’s skills weren’t enough to make the fire go. We fortunately got rescued by a neighbor, his axe and hand sanitizer. That’s the cheat code! In the morning, after getting poured on all night, I felt like I had to leave in a hurry. I drove and crossed the confederation bridge, and they closed it soon after because of wind gusts and heavy rain. Oufff… saved by intuition. I drove through New Brunswick, visited the giant lobster and started looking for a coffee shop as I was exhausted of driving in torrential rains. I found a Manor coffee house and made a detour to get there. There was no sign about it being anything else than a house, but I was so desperate for my drug of choice (besides chocolate, wine and cheese), that I decided to ring the doorbell anyway. A lady in a nurse uniform answered, I said I was looking for a cup of coffee, and she sat me at a table. She brought me a coffee and told me that this wasn’t really a coffeeshop (no kidding), but an integration house for people with mental disabilities. One of the participants came to my table with another coffee he had made just for me, while another one made me toast. They were so happy and awesome. I sat and chatted with some of them for a while, while ingesting way too much caffeine for my own I good. After being asked out by one of the man, and giving a donation to the center, I left for the rest of the road. I got to Carleton-Sur-Mer for more car camping by the sea. My original campground was flooded so I had to be moved and I cooked dinner under the rain. There was just enough time in the morning for me to get another amazing bike ride by the sea, a quick swim in cold water, a warm coffee and leave for another wet dry. This time there was fog also. So I saw nothing but fog the entire time on winding mountain roads. It was still beautiful and unique, although not the desired view. I just found the concentration it took a bit exhausting.

My friend Jade, whom I studied dance in Cegep with, met me at Parc Forillon. We both car camped, which was fortunate cause… rain! Omg. That was the theme of the trip. Some people’s tent were not as waterproof as they thought, our neighbors got stuck in the mud on their site, all the trails were closed because of the water, we tried and sort of managed to start a fire literally in mud. Everything was so wet, that the logs were leaking and created little pools of water. We deiced to drive close to Percé to see a waterfall spot where the water is transparent and supposedly beautiful… it was closed. You guessed it: the water went up and ripped the installations, so they had to close the site. We still had a nice boat ride around Rocher Percé and I managed to get soaked by standing at the bow. The main reason for this entire trip, was to see the Show of the Rising Sun, which happens every year in that park as part of the End of The World Music Festival (not because the world is going to end, but because it’s the end of the land, the most eastern tip). You have to get to the site before 4am, the artist starts singing, set up at the edge of a cliff, and as the show goes on, the sun rises and gives up another show. You bring your camp chair and they serve you coffee and a little sweet. This year, we were camped right besides, so we woke up and walked 10m to the show. Klo Pelgag was the artist, which I hadn’t heard before, it was amazing. My friend left and I stayed one more day to enjoy an hour on a nearby beach and a beautiful, and hard, bike ride in the hilly coast… before it started pouring again.

I left the next day in pouring rain and more fog to meet my friend in a nice little auberge on the coast, have a drink and see an outdoor circus show. You enter the woods on a wooden bridge while the artists are set up in different spots around. Then you get to three sides of three stories high stacked containers with bug screens where you will sit and watch the show. They are set up on a cliff. The use of the lighting (the show is at night, in the dark), the tramp wall they built, aerial dancing, catapult on a net that comes down from the cliff… the whole thing is brilliant in the use of the space. Well worth the ticket. The next day I visited a bird watching site before heading to Quebec City. I taught a workshop and privates, went dancing and got hosted by really nice people. It was only two days, but filled with dance, love and really resourcing relationally.

I found a campground at Petite-Rivière-St-François, which is situated at the bottom of one of the biggest skill hills, by the water. The camping is a coop that is super well organized with a little coffeeshop, one shower for all, a youth hostel, a community room, and a community fire. I heard a lady talk about a free show on the village’s quay. A beautiful woman created the character of a bird-woman with huge wings. She sings opera with the water in the background and brings you in her world. It was truly magical. A new friend from Québec ended up meeting me there. We had a beautiful bike ride by the water and an intense hike on the mountain. I was burning up with my long sleeves and pants, that were needed to counteract the mosquitoes, when we happened by a waterfall. We found a calm spot in the water, stripped down, and got some much-needed refreshment in the one ray of sun that came out that day. I thought to myself afterwards that I’d love to have a picture in that set up, but when would the opportunity ever come? We came back down and back up to see a point of view before it started raining. Obviously. I finally managed to score tickets to a show on the mountain I had been wanting to see and had been full for weeks. We drove 5m to the bottom of the mountain and waited for dark. They got us up on the ski lift, which they slowed down, and as we progressed to the top, we saw an inspiring light and music show they set up on the ground beneath us. We then walked in the mountain with a lantern that was provided, got to the next chair lift where we went down in darkness with a magnificent view of the St-Laurent’s River and the lights of far away villages on the other side.

Finally, if you are still reading, we are almost done! I drove further east on the north coast this time around (I drove over 4000km in two weeks), to get to Up The Moon Festival. What a treat. You get to the land, drive in for a while and park your car, then have to walk a while to get to the site where there is a movement space, a workshop space and a show space. People are camping everywhere, there is a coffee and cacao tent, a sacred tipi, some food, only cash accepted, no cell phone connection or internet at all, only a couple Sanivac, no running water, and beautiful people. My favorite spot was the sacred tipi: it had a fire and a guardian running 24/7, with sacred chants and a beautiful energy. The opening ceremony was powerful and made me feel like maybe I’d want to stay in Quebec for the first time in my life. We got more downpour the first night and after having my feet wet for the last three weeks, I decided I had enough and went to my car early for some reading and slept beautifully. The next morning, I walked to the river decided to get a natural bath and go in naked. I happened by a professional photographer I had met before at the river mouth. Funny how life works. So after my river bath, I asked him for some pictures: it’s amazing to be able to have a visual reminder of a favorite feeling! I went to a few workshops and then I taught my Conscious Partner Approach workshop which is the same concept I had taught in Sweden, adapted to a different crowd. Everything felt so right the entire weekend. I didn’t stay up late that night again and left early on Sunday after another river bath. I stopped by Quebec City to see my sister and her three daughters. We had a bunch of fun in the pool and I got asked if I was still young enough to have babies… I said I still had a few years. More questions came about why I didn’t have any and if I was going to have some… I replied that I needed to find a nice man who’d want babies also, to which I got told by a 9 years old that it wasn’t true, that now I could do a baby by myself. Well f*&*. Now I’m rethinking my entire life…

I’m back in Montreal now, with my energy levels going up, tons of projects in the making, and I want to make sure I still pace myself, so I don’t burn out again. This was an extra long Travels and dancing, maybe to make up for the fact that the last one was so short. Thank you for reading until The End. (of this one, not my life) 😉

[i-hope-youre-hopeful]

Canada trip!

I’m so nervous. I feel so scared and out of place and I’m struggling to keep anxious thoughts at bay. I have those feelings lingering from earlier today. My mom was upset. She thought I hadn’t done enough. She didn’t thank me for all I did. Still, I’ve been nervous for weeks, and I’m thrilled to get this over with. I want to enjoy every moment of this for what it is. It is space. It is time away. It is time with some of my most beloved people in this world - the people who know me better than almost anyone. It is an adventure and an opportunity to grow and be blessed and to bless others. I want to use this time wisely. I’m just scared.

God, I am not trusting you fully. I’m bad at that. But I’m trying. I am not trusting that you will provide for my needs or that you will keep me safe from harm or discomfort. But that is wrong. I am sorry that I struggle so much to trust in your will. Please help me to have your peace and to remember that your will is the best possible place to be. Help me have your desires and think your thoughts, and where there is hidden distrust and anxiety shine your light of truth. Protect my friends and I, provide for my needs, and hold my family extra close and extra comfortable while I’m away. Please help me trust and not be afraid. Help me be joyful, be loving, be excited, and take this trip for what it is. Help it to go as smoothly as possible and when it’s time to go home help that transition to go smoothly too. Help me. Thank you that you have already provided so well and guided me and protected us. Thank you for this opportunity and for this life. Please help me not to feel guilty or scared of feeling joy. And when things don’t go the way I expect or the way I’d prefer, help us get through and help me remember that your will is above mine and that you work all things for good. I love you lord. I’m scared. But I love you. In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

I survived! I slept! I got lots of good food and the airport experience so far has been easy and smooth. I am sitting with Sydney and playing little games and talking and eating snacks. We are beginning our descent into Montreal. I felt panicked but I am feeling better for this moment. My ears don’t hurt. I am alive. I am grateful. I love you Lord. Thank you. Please keep protecting us. Thank you for your provision, your love, your peace, and the amazing people I have in my life. I love them and I love you. I’m sorry and I thank you. Hold my hand. I love you.

I survived the whole trip and I’m home! It was hard but it was good. I feel a little bad that I hardly did anything. Everyone else planned and coordinated and I just kind of showed up. I hope they don’t feel like I didn’t contribute anything. It was tiring and scary but you protected me and held me so close and helped me feel so happy and loved. You got me home safe and although there was trouble I never felt out of your sight. I never felt like we weren’t where we were supposed to be. The difficulty of the trip home made the transition into being home easier, and I believe you did that on purpose. Thank you. I know the long wait in the airport was stressful and the drive was tiring and the leaving was sad but all I want to remember is hugging my friends and sitting and playing and talking and laughing about how bad everything was. I will remember sharing a pizza with Cynthia and playing Guess Who I’m Thinking Of and writing Mad Libs with Sydney and giggling in the desolate airport while we talked about how scary the plane was. The rest I will remember as a new experience and a secret blessing. It was hard and I’m glad it’s over and I’m so glad I did it.

Thank you for giving me such joyful, loving, kindhearted people. There was never a moment that I felt left out or unsupported. Problems were met without judgment and conflict was handled quickly and put away. There was never much time between talking and laughter, and I must’ve thought at least 5 times a day that we probably seemed like we were on drugs to the general public because of how loud we laughed and how happily we did everything. I remember walking through the airport in the middle of the night and seeing on my friends’ faces how tired and distressed they had been and feeling like we were barely making it and all of us talking about the stress and the sadness and the fear, but we were all laughing. We were all encouraging each other and enjoying being together anyway. I remember sitting in the bathroom and brushing my hair after a shower and hearing everyone shouting at each other over a Jackbox game and laughing almost constantly and thinking that it just didn’t get better than that. And it doesn’t. To hear your loved ones loving each other and being together is a beautiful blessing. I got to experience family again, even if only for a little while. This too may pass away, but it was real, and it is real, and it is a reflection of your love for us, and I cant thank you enough for your love for us. I hope I loved them like you would. I hope I loved well.

I thank you for the incredible blessings and opportunities you’ve given me. You are good. You are good. You are good!

[thedeadthree]

AT THE MOMENT

oh my god hi!! i was tagged by the sweetest ever leo @starryache thank you so so much hun this was a lot of fun to do!!

FAVORITE COLOR - burgundy and sage green!!

FAVORITE FOOD - arrabbiata pasta, any and all soups, honey lavender cookies, dark chocolate, and coffee ice cream!!

SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD - Formula, by labrinth!! [i found it on my discover weekly playlist on spotify a couple days ago and it’s been stuck in my head since!!]

LAST THING I GOOGLED - PlayStation remote play!! bc im a grandma and needed help with getting that running asdffjhjd [which ig the console needs to be on and i can only run bloodborne so far!! it’s so weird to see bloodborne on ur phone let me tell ya]

DREAM TRIP - i would love to visit Europe!! [I have some family in italy and i would loove to visit!! id also LOVE to visit france and england!!], also japan, new york, salem, and montreal!!

TIME - 6:20 am!!

TEA OR COFFEE - a good amount of people are convinced my body is 70% coffee so id have to say coffee!! but i genuinely love chamomile tea with every fiber of me :)

LAST SHOW I WATCHED - ive been working a buunch lately so i havent been watching a lot of tv lately!! i think the last one i watched was the bad batch on disney+ though!!

CURRENTLY READING - currently finishing up on the silmarillion atm and then im going to start reading the witcher novels!! [since s2 is coming out this year and for writing martyna lore!!]

CURRENTLY WATCHING - catching up on the bad batch and loki!! and planning to start what if…? and la by night soon!!

SWEET, SAVORY, SPICY - oh spicy for sure!! i absolutely adore spicy food so much :) [sweet things give me a headache for some reason i don’t know why?? other than spicy id go for savory!!]

LAST THING I LISTENED TO - traitor, by olivia rodrigo!! [pain is the plan today ✨😌]

LAST MOVIE I WATCHED - the suicide squad on hbo max!! but spiderman: homecoming was on tv a couple days ago!!

ULT GROUPS - none at the moment!!

CRAVINGS - there is this coffee stand by my work that has these amazing vegetarian breakfast burritos that i could seeeriously go for right now :)

HOBBIES - editing, yelling “writing” / creating for my ocs, makeup, reading, playing video games and ifs, and hanging out with my dogs!!

FEELING - suuuper super tired but really excited to go to a con im going to tomorrow!! and mentally I’m doing a lot better than i was a few days ago!! [also working an 8 hour today so i finally opened up my asks to do like oc asks or something on my lunch break!! but feel free to send IF recommendations, movies and tv recs, or anything else as well!!

TAGGING - @jamesbvchanans @jackiesarch @lacunafiction @chuckhansen @solarisrenbeth @pearlcscent @nellplays @mementovivere @elmshore @yennas @jmiacolt and anyone else that would like to do this!!

[otter1962crystalball]

A Risk Changed to Hope

June 13, 2024

Happy thirteenth day of Pride, everyone. Yesterday I wrote about taking a risk and moving to Québec to live with Eddy. Today, I’d like to continue the story because even though I made some detours I beat the odds and survived.

Yesterday I wrote about how I moved to Vancouver after being told I was being replaced. Eddy’s boyfriend even called the house one time when Eddy wasn’t there. The guy started by saying, “My Little Eddy, love you” in French. I simply said that he wasn’t there and hung up. I was despondent. I had taken a big risk and now realized that maybe I had made a big mistake moving there.

There really wasn’t any where else to go. My sister was living in Vancouver so that seemed the best choice. I got there with my dog, Bailey and my cat, TC. I ended up taking an apartment a few blocks from my sister. I had no job so no income. I ended up on welfare and depressed as hell. I suffered from deep, dark depression. There were days that I could barely get out of bed, let alone the apartment. I felt so dejected because Eddy had dumped me. I went through the motions of existing. I went to AIDS Vancouver and sat in the welcome room for men living with HIV and AIDS. I met quite a few nice guys but my head wasn’t really all there. I’d go to the food bank on my way home and close the door on the world. My sister was quite worried about me, but I kind of pushed her away. I didn’t tell her how depressed I was.

One day, I took a risk and went out with one of the guys from the meeting room. He was a nice guy and we struck up a relationship. We hung out and were intimate as well. Things soured for some reason that is lost to me now. So, there I was in my apartment, again hiding away from the world. I would spend the days walking Bailey in the local school yard and that was about it. Then one day, I got a letter from Eddy. I have no clue how he found my address, but he did. It said that he missed me and that he had made a mistake. He wanted me to come back. My heart jumped and then the world didn’t seem so dark.

Eddy flew to Vancouver to spend a few days with me. We organized how I was going to get back to Québec. A friend in Vancouver actually got me a ticket back to Montreal. I don’t know how he managed it because it was a first class ticket. The flight was comfortable and I again had hope. Eddy picked me up in Montreal and took me home. Life went back to normal and that included Eddy cheating on me. He’d get on his motorcycle and drive up to an abandoned town and have sex with other guys. I knew because a friend of his told me what he was doing. Eddy also started berating me for being depressed.  

I applied to the university to get my teaching degree for ESL. I had a successful three years of completing a four year degree. I pushed it through. One of my most memorable events was giving a prevention in a psychology class - totally in French. I got a standing ovation when I finished because the other students knew that I was an Anglophone giving a presentation in a second language. It felt so good! 

When I graduated, most of my family came to my graduation. It was an amazing experience for me to have them there. I applied to a local college called a CEGEP in French, in Jonquière as an English Teacher. I got in. I started that September. That was also the time that I said to Eddy, “Please let me go. I want to be on my own.” He agreed very easily and I moved into a basement apartment in Jonquière. I taught for a year. It was a good job, but my mind told me that I wanted something more. I applied to the University of BC to upgrade my degree into a full-fledged teacher. I was accepted, so I prepared to leave. I sold off most of my things and packed up Bailey, TC and also Bob and Marnie. They were two cats that Eddy had and decided he didn’t want them anymore so he left them in crates at my door. So there I was with four animals getting on a plane and flying back to Vancouver. 

I stayed at my sister’s for a couple of weeks, but managed to get an apartment in the Westend of Vancouver. Had a job teaching in an ESL school as well as going to the university. I completed my upgrade and did my practicum. It was at that time that I made the decision that if I could teach one year, then I could say that I had succeeded. 

Well, I taught more than a year! I’ve taught 30 up to this point. The HIV medications I was taking were now a cocktail (a mixture of multiple drugs) and my health increased. I put on weight and my life improved. I even volunteered at the YMCA in Vancouver.

There are a lot more stories that I’ve jumped over that I will one day recount. The point of this blog entry is to say that I took a big risk by moving to Québec, going to university, moving to Vancouver (twice), getting my second degree and finally working as a temporary contract on to a later permanent position. My dream of being a teacher had finally arrived. If I hadn’t taken all of those risks I’m sure that I wouldn’t have survived. School gave me my first real reason to live instead of just dying.

For Pride, I am celebrating those risks. I would like to change the word risk to dreaming. I now wanted a real life. I followed my dream and I arrived on a path to the rest of my life. I think that when we push for what we really want, there always seems to be a way. Against a lot of odds, I managed to get my life on track - for the first time since my white picket fence with Joe in Calgary years ago.

Carpe diem and follow your dreams, everyone! Happy Pride.

PS. If I hadn’t taken the risk to go to Québec and learn French, I wouldn’t have gotten a job so quickly in Nova Scotia as a French Immersion Teacher for ten years. But, that’s another story…

[new-sandrafilter]

How Timothée Chalamet Channeled The Blockbuster Pressure of Leading Denis Villeneuve’s ‘Dune’ Back Into His Role – Venice Q&A

DEADLINE: In a few days Dune will premiere at the Venice Film Festival. You first met Denis Villeneuve about the role in May 2018 and started shooting in the early half of 2019. It was always going to be a long journey, but the pandemic stretched it even further. How does it feel to have finally arrived at this moment?

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET: You know, I like to think that with every film I’ve done, whether it’s Call Me by Your Name or Beautiful Boy, The King, or Little Women, the character you play is almost a piece of your flesh. And that’s always true, but simply from the perspective of how long the shoot for Dune was, and also the arc that Paul Atreides is on, as well as the huge love and almost biblical connection that so many people have for the book and the original film, it really felt… tectonic, if that’s the right word for it. Just getting to this finish line feels like: phew.

And independent of what the film is now, and what it has become, the experience of making it was I was put in such a safe environment, which you can never take for granted as a human, as an actor, but especially when you’re just starting your career, and when this is the first film of this size you’ve ever done.

To get to work with Denis on it, to get to work with someone of his caliber, let alone on a book that he considers the book of his youth and one of the things he has connected to the most… When he would have it in his hands on set, his body language would become that of a fan; of a kid who had fallen in love with the book at home in Montreal. And when all the kids around him were wearing hockey jerseys with their favorite players’ names on the back, this was a kid wearing a jersey that said ‘Spielberg’ on the back.

For it all to come together, especially with the added challenge of the pandemic, it has all combined to make this moment feel especially spicy [laughs].

DEADLINE: The entire ensemble will show up in Venice.

CHALAMET: Right. And I just can’t believe it; Jason Momoa has the number one film on Netflix right now with Sweet Girl, which I just watched. And since we shot, Zendaya has had all this success with Euphoria and Malcolm & Marie. Just to be part of this cast, period, let alone as one of the title characters, it’s really the shit you dream of.

And let me not forget, too—and I know I’ve told you this before—that The Dark Knight was the movie that made me want to act. That movie had a score by Hans Zimmer, and he has done the score for Dune. And it’s almost not what you’d think. It’s totally appropriate and excellent for the movie, but he has somehow managed to do something subversive, in my opinion. It’s a pinch-me moment all over.

DEADLINE: So, take me back to the start. Is it true you had a Google alert set up to track the latest news on this project before you were ever cast?

CHALAMET: Yeah, it’s true [laughs]. Not right away—Legendary had the rights and was developing it—but as soon as Denis got involved, I set up a Google alert and that’s when I got the book.

In total honesty, I think my understanding of Dune at that point was from a graphic novel I’d seen at Midtown Comics when I was shopping for Yu-Gi-Oh! cards when I was about 10. The year you and I first met, when I was there at Deadline Contenders with Call Me by Your Name, that would have been 2017 or early 2018, and Denis was there with Blade Runner. I remember I was trying to put myself in front of him as much as possible and set up a meeting with him. We had a night at the BAFTA where one of my good friends, Stéphane Bak—who’s also an actor—saw Denis across the room and was like, “Hey buddy, he’s right over there.” So, we went over to talk to him. I kept trying to put myself in front of him, but I didn’t really get a sense of the possibility [of working with him].

I was about halfway through the book when I got the call that he was going to be the president of the jury at the Cannes Film Festival, and I was in London prepping The King. He asked me if I could come out there, so I quickly busted through the second half of the book as best I could. So, like, the first half of my copy is properly annotated and full of my thoughts, and then the second half I just raced through. And then I had that meeting with him, and it was such a joy.

I’m struggling with this even now, as I’m working with Paul King [on Wonka], because he’s another guy I have huge respect and admiration for, and it’s hard to feel on a level. Not that you ever are, because as an actor you’re a cog in the machine, and you’ve got to be humble to the vision of the director. But with Denis, he was pacing around the room, throwing ideas around, in some fancy suite in Cannes, and all I could think was that a year before I was just sat on a stoop on 9th Street in the East Village or something.

DEADLINE: Was that your first time in Cannes?

CHALAMET: Yeah. Well, bizarrely, my sister would do dance camps growing up. Ballet intensive programs in a town called Mougins, which is nearby Cannes, so I spent a lot of time there growing up, but never during the festival, and not on the Riviera. To get to be there for the festival was just nuts. I went to see the Romain Gavras movie, I think, and it was just a huge joy.

I got attached [to the role in Dune] a couple of months after that, and it was nerve-wracking from the announcement, because like I said before, the fans of the book, and the fans of David Lynch version, the computer game, and everything, there’s so much love and strength of feeling. And so much of our pop culture and films and books have been derived from Dune, and all the philosophy the book. I’ve been shocked to learn how many people have a next-level connection to the book. I compare it to how our generation grew up with Harry Potter, and that one makes sense to me. But it’s cool to see with Dune also, when you actually sit down and read it… It’s not that it’s a quote-unquote “hard read” or anything, but it’s not made to be consumed easily, I think that’s fair to say.

So, I was grateful to be working on something of this size not only with Denis Villeneuve leading it, who between Polytechnique, Incendies and Prisoners had nailed the smaller indie film across languages, and then had nailed Arrival and Blade Runner, but who, in his own words, he didn’t feel he’d made his greatest film yet. But also, to be working with this cast. I don’t know if there’s some nightmare version of a film where a young lead is not supported by the rest of his cast, where every one of them had been the leads in their own huge projects. But on this, everyone was there to support, and I think it’s because we all wanted to be foot soldiers for Denis, and I think we understood the potential, based on the script by Eric Roth, Jon Spaihts and Denis, that this could be something really special.

DEADLINE: I don’t have a connection to Dune; this movie is really my first experience of the story. What strikes me is this is clearly an enormous universe—a broad canvas being painted with various families and factions and politics and mythos—but that ultimately it comes down to very elemental, human themes, and we feel them through this character you play, Paul Atreides. Did those themes help ground the experience for you?

CHALAMET: Yes, and I would give the credit entirely to Denis. He would constantly say on set that he had some opposing drumbeat or something. In my diminished intellectual standing, I didn’t understand it, but it was like some vision for the movie based on how biblical the book is that tries to tackle so much that it doesn’t tackle anything. I think he felt the need to be close to a character in it, and Paul is that guy in the book. He’s a character that is still in formation, like a lump of clay, which makes him a great figure for the audience to mirror off.

It speaks, I think, to Denis’ premonition and his directing ability that there were times when we’d move on from a shot or move on from a scene, and I swear, literally, we’d go back because Denis wanted to get something over my shoulder, or push in on my reaction, just to make sure [it stayed on Paul].

And again, it’s something where I’m pinching myself. I had the best time on Interstellar, and that was one of my favorite films I’ve ever worked on, but it was very much something where I was aware of when I had the opportunity to do real acting. And on a movie like Dune, again, one could think it would get lost in the scale and scope. But I felt every day like my plate was full.

DEADLINE: One of those themes is fear, and Paul must overcome his to become the person he needs to be. When you are number one on the call sheet on a project of this scale, and the cast list reads like an address book of Hollywood in the 21st century, and Legendary has injected hundreds of millions of dollars into this production, and it’s all falling on your shoulders, I have to imagine fear is a theme you can readily relate to.

CHALAMET: Oh yeah, and they can bleed into each other for sure—not to diminish the other work that goes in. It’s great when your life experience can inform the role. That’s not at all to say I’m on some crusade in the universe or anything, but definitely… And I had that same good fortune with The King I think. My life is not nearly as significant or as exciting as Paul or Prince Hal, but we all share an unwitting needle in the haystack feeling. On The King that feeling was because I was so new to having a career. On Dune it’s because of, as you say, just feeling the pressure of the hugeness of the project in all those different ways. Those things can absolutely inform each other.

And then there are the moments of glee that come, too, like seeing Jason Momoa running at you at a hundred miles an hour, or just getting to shoot the shit with Josh Brolin, or getting to do a scene with Oscar Isaac. I felt so supported, whether it was Rebecca Fergusson or Charlotte Rampling. When Zendaya came, it was a total breath of fresh air, and she’s one of my favorite parts of the movie. I just got really lucky, and I can’t wait to see them all in Venice.

Denis split the book in half, and the hope is a second movie will get a greenlight. That’d expand Zendaya’s role in the story.

CHALAMET: Definitely, Chani will play a huge role in the next film. I don’t know if there’s a script yet, but just based on the book, along with Lady Jessica [Rebecca Fergusson], they have a lot to do together, let’s put it like that. And Zendaya was incredible in this movie; the moment she pulls the mask down, it felt properly showstopping and powerful. I was hiding behind the camera, counting my lucky starts, because I was there in month two of the shoot and here was a total powerhouse just coming in for the first time.

And as I said before, this was before I’d seen Euphoria and Malcolm & Marie. She’s doing such incredible work and is just trailblazing her own path, and she’s so, so cool. She also happens to be in the most-watched trailer of the moment, too, for Spider-Man: No Way Home. I cannot wait for that movie, and I was there, by the way, with everybody else, clicking through the trailer frame by frame looking for clues [laughs].

[fruitcoops]

I was watching this video w Megan Rapinoe & Sue Bird (tumblr won’t let me link but it’s from 2 days ago on GQ- they ask each other questions but it’s like quiz style?) and didn’t know if you would want to do something similar for coops? Some of the stuff they said/how they acted reminded me of coops’ dynamic

Anon, this video was the perfect way to spend an evening. Both these women are my role models and they’re unbelievably cute together--go check out the video here if you have the chance! Their dynamic is a lot like how I imagine Coops, too! Sweater Weather credit goes to @lumosinlove!

“Hey, Lions, we’re back!” Sirius waved at the camera and tapped a short stack on notecards on his thighs. “I’m Captain Sirius Black of the Gryffindor Lions and I’m here with my fiancé, Remus Lupin, to do another couple game.”

“The response to our last few interviews was incredible and we had a great time,” Remus continued. “Miss Marlene McKinnon was kind enough to drag us back in here to answer even more questions!”

“Do you want to go first?”

“Sure.” Remus cleared his throat and pulled the first card. “What are my parents’ first names?”

“Hope and Lyall.”

“Easy peasy, lemon squeezy. What’s my hidden talent?”

“You can sing.”

“Does that count? I feel like most people know that now.”

“Hmm.” Sirius thought for a moment, drumming his fingers on his knees. “You can cook really well.”

“Thank you, baby. What’s my favorite accessory?”

Sirius brightened. “Your watch!”

“Yes!” Remus held it up to the camera—it was simple and elegant, with a leather band and a small face. He wore it with the clock against the inside of his wrist, just above his pulse point. “What is my dream travel destination or vacation?”

“Oh, that’s tough.” Sirius bit his lip in thought. “Seattle? Paris?”

“I do want to go to Seattle, but I’ve always wanted to go to Montreal,” Remus said. “You’ve seen my hometown, but I’ve never been to yours.”

Sirius frowned. “Really?”

“Really. What am I most afraid of?”

“I think…I think you’re most afraid of not being useful,” Sirius said after a moment. “For six years, your job was all about helping people, and it’s not now.”

Remus raised his eyebrows at the camera. “I was going to say the dentist’s office. Goddamn.”

“Sorry,” Sirius laughed. “Yeah, you don’t like medical facilities.”

“I mean, you weren’t wrong about the useful thing,” Remus said. “You still get a point for that. What’s my favorite music, song, or artist to listen to before a game?”

“You don’t have one.”

“That was quick. Half a bonus point for speed. When was our first date and what did we do?”

“Our first official date was just after All-Stars and we went to Sid’s, but we had been together for about three months at that point and just hung out at each other’s houses.”

Remus grinned. “Do you remember what day it was?”

“January 28th.” Sirius gave him a look. “I know for a fact you don’t know what day it was.”

“January 28th.”

“You only know that because I just said it!” Sirius smacked him playfully with his cards. “Next question.”

“What’s my favorite movie and TV show?”

“Jurassic Park and Avatar: The Last Airbender.”

He whistled the first part of the theme song as Sirius did the hand motions. “What’s my shoe size?”

“Oh, god,” Sirius muttered, staring down at the floor. “Eleven? Eleven and a half? You have smaller feet than I do, but not by much.”

“I’m a size ten.”

“Are you really?”

Remus pulled one sneaker off and handed it to him with a laugh. “Check for yourself. Oh, I’d love to know the answer to this one. How do you know when I’m mad at you?”

Sirius tossed his shoe back with a snort. “You make faces.”

Remus seemed surprised. “Do I?”

“Yeah. You’ve got a very expressive face and the second you’re pissed, it’s written all over it. It’s like—” Sirius pursed his lips and scrunched his nose slightly. “I can’t really do it, but anytime I see that I’m like, ‘oh, shit, what did I do?’ Also, you stop calling me baby.”

“That’s what I was going to say. What’s my favorite city to play in?”

“Not Florida.”

“Not fucking Florida,” Remus agreed with a grin.

“Gryffindor for sure.”

“Where was I born?” He gave Sirius a teasing look. “Do you know this time, or should I get my mom on the line?”

Sirius stuck his tongue out. “Madison, Wisconsin.”

Remus glanced at the camera. “We got asked this question in an interview a few months ago and he had to call my mom afterward because he forgot.”

“She made fun of me the whole time,” Sirius pouted.

“What is my favorite food? Oh, you’ll get this one for sure.” Sirius hesitated and Remus’ eyes widened. “Really?”

“I’m a little torn. It’s either my grilled cheese or your dad’s turkey-cranberry thing. Actually, I don’t think you know what your favorite food is.”

Remus nodded slowly. “That’s a really good point. My first thought was grilled cheese, but my dad makes the best postgame sandwiches. I’ll give you that. What’s my favorite hobby?”

“Reading.”

“What did I want to be when I was a kid?”

“A librarian, until you started playing hockey.”

Remus leaned over and high-fived him. “You’re on a roll, baby. What was my jersey number in college?”

“Number six.”

“The transition was so fucking easy,” Remus laughed. “Coach literally came up to me a month before practices started and went ‘hey, what was your old number?’ and I told him, and he looked down at his clipboard and went, ‘cool.’. I got my jersey two weeks later.”

“Is this your last question?”

“It is, indeed. What’s my full birth name?”

“Remus Jehosephat Lupin.”

“That is incorrect.”

“Close enough. It’s Remus John Lupin, which I find endlessly funny.”

“Why is it funny?” Marlene asked off-screen. Remus hid his face behind his notecards as Sirius laughed.

“Because it’s such a basic middle name! I love Hope and Lyall with my entire heart and they’re wonderful people, but they named their sons Remus and Julian and then I think they got stuck. Like, you’ve got these two very uncommon first names and they sort of went ‘fuck it. John and Michael. We’re done.’ It’s just so funny.”

“Whereas your parents went the extra mile and gave you and Reg goddamn supervillain names,” Remus snorted. “The drama of it all, my god.”

“Alright, alright, my turn.” Sirius leaned his elbows on his knees. “What is my favorite color?”

“Blue.”

“How do I like my coffee?”

Remus hissed between his teeth. “Ah, shit, you always make the coffee. With a lot of sugar, right? It’s black with sugar?”

“It can’t be black if it has sugar in it,” Sirius laughed. “But yes, I do put sugar in my coffee. What are three things I never leave the house without?”

“Keys, wallet, phone.”

“My favorite TV show?”

“Why are you going through these so fast? Uh, Avatar.”

“Did I ever have a job that wasn’t playing hockey?”

“Nope.” Remus frowned. “Were you allowed to get a job as a kid?”

“I was not. What’s my favorite ice cream flavor?”

“Cookies and cream.”

Sirius made a buzzer noise. “Incorrect.”

“Is it chocolate?”

“Yep. You get half a point for that. What’s the first meal I ever cooked for you?”

Remus gave him a look. “You don’t remember what you cooked for me, do you?”

“Refresh my memory?”

“No way!” He punched him lightly on the arm. “I’m not falling for my own tricks. Next question.”

“It’s kind of a repeat from earlier. How do you know when I’m mad at you?”

Remus fiddled with the edges of his cards. “You act all weird and Captain-y, and then you get quiet. Just cranky vibes all around.”

“Cranky vibes,” Sirius laughed. “Good to know. What are my favorite movie-watching snacks?”

“Popcorn and…Sweet Tarts?”

“Yes!” Sirius gave him a high-five. “Do you know what I like on my popcorn?”

“Butter and enough salt to kill a Victorian child.”

“Bonus point! What is—oh, shit!” He nearly fumbled the cards onto the floor. “What is my favorite movie of all time?”

“Indiana Jones.”

“Which one?”

“The one with Marian, because she reminds you of me.” Remus looked over at the camera. “I really don’t like snakes.”

“What is the first thing I do when I wake up in the morning?”

“Oh, I think this requires a demonstration. C’mere.”

“Does it really?” Sirius sighed as he laid down next to him.

“For sure.” Remus cuddled into his side and laid his head on his shoulder. “Alright, the key to a true Sirius Black wake-up is getting all four limbs wrapped around the other person like you’re trying to suffocate them with affection.”

“Okay—”

“And then,” Remus continued with a grin. “I go, ‘honey, wake up’—”

“You absolutely do not.”

“In my head, that’s what I say. It’s very sweet. To answer the question, the first thing Sirius does is this.” He buried his face in Sirius’ chest and groaned loudly, then dissolved into snickering as Sirius’ chest began to shake with suppressed laughter. “Stop it, you’re ruining the demonstration!”

“You forgot the part where I have to peel you off me with pliers and grease,” Sirius teased as they stood up, dusting themselves off. The camera crew applauded and they both bowed. “Alright, where were we? What am I most scared of?”

“Losing your friends and family,” Remus said. “Also, spiders and most bugs.”

“You forgot one.”

“Which one? The dish soap bubbles?”

“Losing you.”

A vibrant blush tinted Remus’ cheeks and ears, and he floundered for words. “Oh.”

“You still get the points, though,” Sirius said mildly. “What city do I like playing in the most?”

Remus paused for a moment longer, then shook his head to clear his thoughts. “Uh, Gryffindor. You like the crowd.”

“I do.” Sirius smiled at the camera. “To all the fans out there: you are incredible and there is nothing like skating out with everybody roaring so loud the windows shake. Who is my biggest hockey influence?”

“Now, or when you were younger?”

“Now.”

“It’s Dumo, right?”

Sirius nodded. “On and off the ice. What’s my proudest career moment?”

“Hmm, I wonder,” Remus said sarcastically. “Could it possibly be winning the Stanley Cup?”

“Just maybe,” Sirius laughed. “What’s my most famous celly, and which one’s my favorite?”

Remus grinned. “Lightning McQueen.”

“I hate it when you call it that.” Despite his words, Sirius was smiling. “It’s supposed to be cool!”

“Can you elaborate?” Marlene asked.

“I mean, most people who have seen him play know what I’m talking about,” Remus said, gesturing to the camera. “But Sirius’ famous celly is a double fist pump, and I call it the Lightning McQueen because it’s like ka-chow! It’s also his favorite one, though he dances when we’re skating alone or with a couple of the guys.”

“Shhh, they aren’t supposed to know that!” Sirius covered Remus’ mouth with his notecard. “This is the very last one. What is my biggest pet peeve?”

“When I leave my socks laying around the house.”

“Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner! That drives me fucking bonkers. Marley, who won?”

“It wasn’t a competition,” she said off-screen. “Just a Q & A.”

���Who got the most right?” Remus asked.

“You two are hopeless,” she muttered. There were a few beats of silence. “Remus won, with sixteen and a half out of seventeen. Sirius, you had fifteen and a half.”

“No.” Sirius groaned and dropped his head into his hands as Remus whooped.

“Hell yes!”

“My bonus points let you win.” He shook his head in disbelief. “I can’t believe this.”

Remus faced the camera with a victorious smile. “Thanks for joining us to witness my landslide victory—”

“It was one point.”

“And make sure to like and subscribe for more Lion Pride content! See you around, Lions.” They both mock-saluted, and the video ended.

[spushii]

Anne’s top 9 first-time-listen albums of 2021 !!!! (in no particular order)

Songs of Faith and Devotion - Depeche Mode (1993) i listened to this album on a complete whim and it knocked me on my fucking ass, i’m super in love with it. It has this great dark, sexy, industrial sound that I can’t get enough off. I honestly can’t pick a true favorite track from it since i love a lot of them, but if i had to choose one i think it’d be: Top Track: Rush

Diamond Destroyer of Death - ROAR (2021) “Songs within songs” is a way i’ve heard this album described, which I think is really apt. I’ve you’ve listened to ROAR before and enjoyed it, or if you’re a fan of lyrical/musical callbacks in music, i think this album is a must-listen. Top Track: Paralyzed

t.i.a.p.f.y.h - Left at London (2021) I’m a huge fan of Left at London and this album is far and away her best work yet. I bought it on bandcamp just so I could listed to it a half-hour earlier than it came out on spotify, and haven’t regretted that once. This album is ridiculously underrated, every single track on it is some of the best music I’ve heard this year, you owe it to yourself to listen to this. Top Track: Kudzu

Hissing Fauna, Are You the Destroyer? - of Montreal (2007) I listened to We Will Commit Wolf Murder early this year at the request of a friend, and fell in love with it instantly (it made my top track of the year lol), but i picked Hissing Fauna to be my first whole of Montreal album. Again, I fell super in love with it. Its my most-listened-to album of the year. highly highly recommend it. Top Track: The Past Is A Grotesque Animal

Peaceful as Hell - Black Dresses (2020) This one is a VERY recent listen for me so I haven’t quite settled on it yet? but i’m liking it a lot right now, though I don’t have much to say about it ^^’’ Top Track: SCARED 2 DEATH

Static Age - Misfits (1996) I really love the sound of this album! Lots of really strong tracks here, but fair warning, it’s Danzig-era Misfits, so lyrically its super fucking skeezy and misogynistic in a way that’s really unignorable. Glenn Danzig is a piece of shit lmao Top Track: Hybrid Moments

Master of Reality - Black Sabbath (1971) I don’t have a lot to say about this album, i just really like it! I got very into 70s metal this year for a very stupid reason. if you know you know. Top Track: Sweet Leaf

Trace of a Stranger - Blitzkid (2003) Blitzkid really caught my by surprise this year! Another artist i listened to on a complete whim, and i’ve been super into this music ever since. If you’re a fan of horror punk, particularly like, Graves-era misfits, I’d definitely give this a listen. Top Track: Lupen Tooth

I Became Birds - Home is Where (2021) I’m putting this album last because it’s my absolute favorite. I know i plug home is where in everything all the time but i need you to listen to this album. If you are reading this you have to promise me you will listen to this album. It’s only six songs, it’s 18 minutes long, you don’t even have to like it. just please god give it a go. Top Track: Sewn Together from the Membrane of the Great Sea Cucumber

tagging some mutuals to also do one of these!! no pressure though lol @bwooom @reddd-robin @transbipper @beeapocalypse