#and I dont like how I sound on the phone
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nervous because I officially start on phones for my job tomorrow
#kayla.txt#i have the east coast and midwest queue#and I dont like how I sound on the phone#people accuse me of being disinterested#and people calling in the middle of the chaos that was my previous jobs is going to feel different from this#also sometimes my hearing is worth shit#i got like 4 ear infections back to back as a kid#ANYWAYS THIS IS DUMB#theres a reason I never did the voice recorded memes that were popular like 8 years ago#also I have phone trauma which is a whole other post
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drawing video wooo
#please dont watch it w sound on unless u want to hear my bfs breathing behind me like a psycho#also i dunno if the resolution sucks. he recorded it on his phone and didnt know how to send it 2 me so i downloaded it from twt lol#here is the magic ladies ...not very magical
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never record yourself singing unless you want to take damage
#its just as i suspected. i sing beautifully but my VOICE is so painfully girly. if i sounded like a guy who sounds like a girl itd be okay#but then again it could be bc i was trying to keep it quiet as if i dont sing around the house all the time#but the intent of singing into my phone somehow makes it detectable 💀#anyways this is bc i keep thinking how i should 'start a band' even though i cant do anything other than singing and im not so sure#abt my singing voice#as in. for being in a band......#piksla.txt
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I do have on thing to say about the fact that "one of the passengers is a 19 year old" for the Titan.
A 19 year old is still a "teenager" but that is a whole ass adult. That is an adult who has been an adult for a year and acting like he has no self agency to not make the choices he did is just ridiculous and I'm seeing *way* to many people on this site pretty much just infantalize him. 18 is *also* an adult. A new adult, but still an *adult*. If you are seriously in the mindset of "but that's a child still!" You need to step away from Tumblr and just think about how you view the various human stages of development.
19 year olds aren't kids. That man made that choice to go down there.
(also as a trans man who's rights are under attack and that people are using the argument of "kids can't consent" to get their foot in the door and then further take them away from literal adults, some under the argument of "well a lot of y'all are autistic and Don't Really Understand what's happening even though you're adults!!" This shit infuriates me. Stop infantilizing people!!! This may not be about my rights as a trans person but the issue of infantilizing literal adults is still the same!!!)
#titan#oceangate#the titanic#like it sucks people probably died but honestly i don't hold a ton of sympathy for these people. who are all ADULTS.#like they made the choices#they all signed the literal waivers knew to some extent the risk#and eithsr all adults have agency or none of us do.#just bc we make the choice not to read the full text of like phone legalese doesnt mean we arent able to if we take fhe extra time to do it#there is argument to be made that stuff Iikw that is needlessly overcomplicated and should be more thoroughly regulated but for corps#not on the “oh well pwople cant agree to phone contracts now bc they're too hard to understand :(”#like. do you see how ridiculous that sounds#and the titan waivers *woudlnt have been anywhere as complicated*. ive read risk of death is mentioned 3x on the first page alone.#can't quote ehere so it moght not be true but still. point being its a literal trip to rhe bottom of fhe ocean.#that alone carries inherent risks *i dont want to take even in the safest submarine*.
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eepy lil guy
#i cannot put into words the amount of love and affection i have for him. u do not understand. he is my SON im giving him a QUILT#the first character i think in my whole life that i have loved so deeply i wish he were real so i could tell him. i want adoption papers#i feel so bad i wish he didnt hafta suffer with the tired eepy. i want to get him uncursed i want him cured i want him to be free from sleep#the absolutely crushing guilt of how much he misses from being tired all the time sounds miserable i want to#i dont even know. i want to help. i am just a stupid lil lady on my phone how can i possibly help him from here. it sucks. im stuck behind t#he screen and theres nothing i can do. it KILLS me. like haha if i invite him to my guest room 1000 times maybe itll help. sobs#twisted wonderland#twst#twst silver#silver vanrouge#suntails
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The other day I was having a "struggle day" with writing. Nothing I write is coming out fluid, it is sluggish and stilted. I spent a majority of my time writing outlines, trying to tether abstract images that flicker like a distorted slideshow across my brain to a more concrete tangible form.
But if I was to tell certain people in my life this, their first suggestion would be, "If you're struggling with writing, you should use ChatGPT to help you!"
Pushing past the ethics debacle aside for a moment, I don't know how to describe how much that doesn't help with my plight. As much as I dislike creating a rough draft, it is where the idea takes birth. It's through writing the initial scene where I discover a character's motivation or a facet of the world that never crosses my mind until I begin carving away at its rough edges.
The machine doesn't understand the way I'd take a plot point and expand upon it. The machine can't capture my exact phrasing. Technology hasn't developed enough to take a vague idea sloshing inside my skull and glimmer it into existence in front of me in exactly the way I wanted it to be.
I don't always enjoy the rough draft process, but it is a crucial part of the process. I don't want a "paint by numbers" experience. I want to start with a blank canvas and finish with a nauseating, illustrative kaleidoscope of my innermost thoughts and feelings. I want my hands to be stained by the ink and sweat of my own efforts.
I don't care if I get "lost in the past" for wanting that, I'd rather let my words be unfettered and untainted by the uniformity of what a machine thinks is the most "right" way of phrasing words based on trillions of words unrightfully seized by avarice.
#writing#writeblr#writers on tumblr#kat talks#Like I care deeply about AI scraping that is a huge concern#But as a comms major who has studied other 'communication revolutions' AI is not going away#Right now a majority of the population tinkering with AI has had experience formulating words without its aid#so they can take a prompt AI feeds them and they know how to modify it to fit their needs#but how will it effect the communication for those who are growing up with this?#Like I think even if you're not a writer there is value in learning how to put into words your thoughts and feelings on things#I fear kids just using AI and tweaking the prompt until it sounds more 'natural' and will struggle to write without it#hate to sound like 'kids with phones these days dont know how to talk but#it's worth considering how it could impact cognitive thinking for a future generation
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me, stupidly and weirdly resistant to listening to audio books vs reading a physical book for no real reason: man i wish there was a way to like, read a book while i crochet like i do with tv shows and movies and podcasts
#toy txt post#my reasons are irrational you dont need to try to talk me into it. i KNOW#its very silly of me#imagine how much reading i could get done. but alas. Feels Bad#even listening to a more. uh. Story type podcast or fiction like nightvale was a bit difficult to start for me. i like nightvale now i#listened. but i worry that is clocking in my brain as an Exception 😔 maybe it would be easier if i tried some nonfiction books? scary#i also struggle with single host podcasts apparently even tho im also ehhhh on the kind where the structure is the host Interviewing a#different person everytime? maybe it would be okay with a nonfiction audiobook tho cos it would be getting read by a narrator and not sound#so much like a guy ranting into a mic which makes me feel a little insane. altho propaganda doesnt necessarily always sound like a guy#ranting into a mic so idk. i could probably make it through if i can find a nice book about like. parasitic worms. i could tolerate#feeling like im falling into sigma male affirmations videos for worms i think. wormffirmations are allowed#*to clarify i dont listen to those but listening to better offline makes me feel like im morphing into the kinda guy who does and i hate it#which feels unfair cos he is RIGHT and the podcast is good but i need there to be like a cohost there to break the tension of the Ranting#sometimes he has guests on? but its not quite the same#i think the format i like best is either like 2 or 3 regular cohosts discussing things within a specific topic#OR. 1 host whos like infodumping to the other host who knows nothing about the subject. OR. 2 hosts info dumping to each other about#different aspects of the subject. OR. 1 host who brings on fun guests to infodump to them about a subject. and then obviously the subject#needs to intrigue me. ex. sawbones well theres your problem (I HATE THAT THIS ONE IS BEST EXPERIENCED ON YOUTUBE😭 I WANT THEM TO JUST DUMP#ALL THE SLIDES INTO A BIG BLOG POST SOMEWHERE AND I CAN CHECK IN AND FOLLOW ALONG THAT WAY WITHOUT HAVING TO HAVE MY PHONE SCREEN ON THE#WHOLE TIME!!!!!!!!! but. im listening for free so its unreasonable to demand more of them BUT ALSO I FEEL LIKE JUST COPYPASTING ALL OF THE#SLIDES INTO A BIG BLOG POST ISNT THAT MUCH MORE EFFORT THAN EDITING A WHOLE YOUTUBE VIDEO? WAAAAAH. THEY DONT NEED TO BE TIMESTAMPED OR#ANYTHING JUST THROW EM IN ILL FIGURE IT OUTTTTTT#anyway. also more than 3 hosts is really pushing my ability to keep track of voices.#anyway: sawbones wtyp tpwky behind the bastards scam goddess#(which is true crime adjacent but focuses mainly on scams and isnt copaganda and laci is funny and cool)#common descent pod completely arbortrary maintenance phase if books could kill#deep sea podcast has more bringing ppl in to interview them about shit than i personally enjoy but i put up with it cos i do like the hosts#and the subject
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phone calls my detested
#i had to make a vet appointment and Wow i am not cut out for this whole independent adult thing lmfao#i had to write down a little script for myself...#i feel so bad for the receptionist i was stumbling and 'uhhhhh'ing my way through that call#fuck and when i was supposed to end the call. i didnt realize#I DONT KNOW THE PROTOCOL OKAY#do i hang up??? do i say bye??? she didnt say bye so was there something else i was supposed to say#she hung up so Yay but oughhhhhhh what the fuck#youre telling me people just Know how to carry a conversation? they just Know the routine? sounds fake#i had to rev myself up for the call too#put on a hat. put on sunglasses to trick my brain into thinking we're outside doing things thus fabricating confidence#phone in one hand fidget-dodecahedron in the other. Pacing#my brain is a normal brain that works perfectly fine thanks for asking#absolutely unprompted#i feel so connected to my neanderthal ancestors when i have to make a call#theyre being stalked by a smilodon... i have to talk to a person... same Fear <3#no but fr whenever i have to talk to someone my thought process shuts down Completely and i forget that im a living human being#fight or flight - neither. freeze and play dead#i think in my next life... i would like to be... a decorative plant#perhaps one of those tall ferns outside a seaside barbecue restaurant#i'd Win at that life. id be so good at photosynthesizing & rustling in the ocean breeze
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#T's “what did u call me? do u think whatever that is is hot? okay then good”#i love the tour pic above K!#and i love how they r still plucked abt not being in Dune2#K the avid winker...#its so cute how T is featured on this album of K's too😭😭😭#T wants to be left alone (on the phone) on her bday and K wants attention... well... ((once again relating to K))#T looked at Ks belly in a suprisingly like? soft way? idk i might have hallucinated that but who knows.#fuck whoever didnt visit K when she would have wanted them to.#its sweet how T visited her! (srsly cant u just communicate who wants what in this situation so its no suprise? ik its hard for them but😭)#T describing Ks party attending habits!!! they know each other soooo well🤭#aaagh how they have to act like they cant easily spend 2 hrs together having fun when they literally cant wipe the smiles off of their faces#(lesbians..... lovesick idiots.......)#oh they r always facetiming! so adorable :(#T was so excited that they r linked! like girl u do not need more confirmation for that research do u?😭#K watching the pod...... my heart......#why dont they just sit closer if they will reach across a whole fucking room to touch eachother?? like it sounds easier for me but u do u!#i really get a kick out of K mentioning TRHPS anytime she does it bc ik it was such a big thing in Ts life and ugh😭#constantly praising each other😭😭😭😭😭 what if i start sobbing huh#well maybe T is trying to get K to learn how to flirt so that she can practice on her? just an idea?😁#K putting her leg up on T?????? hi what? jist sit in the other's lap u creatures... its okay we can all look away for a sec if u need it...#their art! i fucking love it! both of it! its art at its finest🛐 and id kill to see a collection of their drawings bc cmon they r amazing!#its cute how they r talking abt smth and then they go “oh wait we were there together!”#its almost as if they actually spend time hanging out😱 (dont let the police know!!4!4)#“if we were on DR now-” okay but why r u still dreaming of that miss T?🤭🤭🤭 (who could blame her)#them watching the movies the other one recommends is the closest we can get to them watching an actual thing together (outside of NF)#also im so happy T spent time w K on her bday :(((#trixie mattel#katya zamo#tbatb#the brians
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#even tho it was so hard for me. ofc when u can only communicate via the internet so much is lost i think... sm extra things u need to be#more secure kinda? like physical presence does a lot on its own#but yeah.. ok i actually wrote more but u can only have 30tags per post and safari on ur phone does not tell u when it's stopping so half o#what i wrote just disappeared ._. i cant rmbr what i said... and i mean this is just for myself to vent but grr im so annoyed#yeah just that he was sm more patient than i realized. i just was in the start of learning how to live w my avpd#i wasnt able to do a lot. even if i wanted to. he helped me sm to uncover things in myself to start that thing within me#i just desperately wish i had found him earlier and that i've been this far along in my anti avpd limitation abilities.... truly wish that#so im trying to accept it and just think bc i dont have a choice :') i've never wanted anyone like this and that just is how it is#i will always love him simply bc he is who he is#he's so so cool and amazing to me in so so many ways. and i always loved just how he talks and communicates bc it resonates w me#and there are simply sm details i just adore. but yeah... i probably shouldnt think abt that? i feel like.. it isnt my place to think abt i#but it is what it is but it hurts so incredibly much. will i ever be able to let go of him? the love i couldve experienced? the wonderful#person i couldve been with? will i be able to stop thinking abt all his great qualities and how much i wish he was mine? and all the things#wanna do and talk abt with him? he's just.. he just is .. i cant describe it. it feels like more than just earthly love...#maybe i sound insane or too intense or dramatic or smth but.. it feels so much larger than everything#so i struggle sm with letting go bc i want to touch him and i want to love him and i just want to be with him and experience everything w h#but that isnt my place. i know... why.. have i only ever felt like this w him... what do i do with this?? am i crazy? am i going insane? is#there smth wrong with me?#he is worthy of everything and he is so so wonderful but is there smth wrong w me for being so..#for having love that actually truly is all consuming? what is this... it's scary. esp when i cant unleash it. it's like a wild beast i have#to learn how to tame. and i want to be able to find mutual love too. but i cant force anything. will the universe grant me that?#i cant imagine myself ever being able of letting go of him but if that is what the universe has planned then..#ok im actually starting to sound intense and weird and idk O.O i think i think too much#.. it hurts that i wont get to do all of the things and talk abt all the things i wanna do w him. i'll never get to hug him...#if i could ask for only one thing it'd be one hug from him....#maybe is ound crazy but with all my disorders and feeling disconnected from the world.. and finding someone that makes me feel tethered#and safe and real.. and having to let go bc it just wasnt meant for me... why is the universe so cruel.#in the end i care abt him so much i just want him to be loved. i want him to finally feel loved.#someone else.. someone else without avpd can do that for him. i want him to be oh so so loved and .. yeah.. :(#i wish i couldve loved him as he deserves but .. its not my place. not my place... all i want is to hear his voice and live in his arms
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maybe I'm comfortable with tumblr because I get to say things I don't usually tell anyone
#like how my day is? or what dumb stuff im doing lol#my “safe space” where i got to meet people somehow (and theyre very cool :3c)#well. im happy if i get to do it now#cmon nae! sympathy points wont do you any good !!#okay so. tumblr gets to be my little planner too cause i get to write things in the momoment#so im writing things im proud of!#brushed my teeth for more than two mins today#n i actually washed a lil! its embarrassing writing this here because i dont want anyone thinking im dirty.... since its gross#but anyways.. im getting better at putting my phone down at night!#that means fixing my sleep right? i just have to sort out the mornings since i lose track of time#and struggle to leave bed (its too comfyyyy >.<)#and oh. i want to start going on walks..#itll be hard since the house is getting done n stuff but. anytine if the day. i feel like taking walks woukd be better for me#just to keave the house. my eyes always hurts when i steo outside#n thats not good :<#those are my goals for now. i do wanna get closer to my friends. and actually make friends!#ive had no friendships for nearly a year at college lol#its just been 'oh well' but i have actually felt lonely... oh well-#i guess i wanna get closer to people?#and.. talk to ny old friends too#i feel to guilty#im not good with this stuff. it drains me#but anyways. baby steps right? who knows#maybe ill make a friend on the trip! or next year too! that sounds good#ik nobody'll probably read this cause its word vomit lol#but basically yay yippee im feelin kinds alright#<333#posts.nae/rambles
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Yeah it's miku monday. But you know what you gotta do tomorrow..... muesday
oh anon you know i wish i could but i have to use my remaining mikus sparingly.....we have to invest in a future with miku mondays......
#dont ask how many more mikus with decent usable pics i have left. you wont like the answer#that sounds like a horror movie tagline omg someone get david cronenberg on the phone#me.txt#non figure#ask#anon
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I'm never ordering to Packeta boxes ever again, they want me to download their app, have the internet, bluetooth and gps on to open the box with my package. Are you insane. I dont even have mobile data. I hate this assumption that everyone has to be online all the time. I am not paying for internet on my phone, if I'm out I only check my socials and email if i find wifi somewhere otherwise I'm touching grass
#remembering how i couldt use the bike sharing service in budapest cause you have to have constant internet connection#i dont want to download a fucking app I'll use once to get my package#not to sound like a boomer but what is the world coming to#so if someone is living in poverty and doesnt have a phone wants to use a bike or order something they just cant#? i think we should kill companies who force us to be on our phones more than necessary
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seeing info only about the kiryu and majima statuettes but absolute radio silence on the ichi one is utterly sending me. Theyre hiding the fact theyre gonna make ichi pale as a cracker again
#snap chats#theyre in the lab making a skin tone with melanin in it for once im SCREAMING#JUST LET ME SEE MY BOY PAINTED LET ME SEE HOW BAD THE DAMAGE IS#whether i spend $150 is entirely dependent on if ichi is pale or not and im so serious its why i didnt get his plushie#anyways i got hate crimed today i was getting lunch with my dumbass friend WHICH. I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY I DO#CAUSE WE JUST SIT IN DEAD SILENCE AND SHES TERRIBLE AT CONVERSATION RIGHT anyway.#we were getting lunch and her prof ask her like ‘oh are you on a date <3’ like prof i would rather kms !!!! then go on a date with this gir#literally my biggest fear i hope people dont think we’re dating id actually drop out#‘snap you make her sound awful’ because she is and i dont feel bad about bullying her anymore NO LISTEN#WE WERE PLAYING Y7 LAST NIGHT AND SHE BUTT DIALS HER FRIEND. LIKE A DUMBASS.#AND DEADASS ME AND HER FRIEND JUST TALK ON HER PHONE ABOUT HOW MUCH SHE SUCKS.. WHILE SHES SITTING RIGHT THERE.#i felt so validated cause everything he was complaining about id complain about like oohhhh my god i should meet him#hes the guy that called me that invincible character. and mystery man. i think i talked about this already wait—#ITS STILL FUNNY TO ME IDC ive never felt so seen in my life. why an i friends with this girl idk we’ll figure out one day#right now i want. ichi statue to be real and tanned#ok bye i have class soon
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gonna sound dumb for a minute.
actually,,,, i dont think i want to do biology💀😭
#i just read So Much#and i cant remember stuff#and its honestly not even that interesting yet at least#and tbh iregret doing this cause wtf am i even doing brooooooo#self sabotaging max#because even if i somehow pull all my exams off and get this qualifications. im not gonna actually Know the stuff#and okay my point was that even if i do get these qualifications and my grades arent low enough to totally fuck up my scores#then im gonna have to move out. Next Year. i cant do that#i cant adult#how are people my age so Grown. wtf im still 8 istg#i dont wanna move out#im gonna have to just change my plan i wanna live at home until i get kicked out#ueydhshebrhryfhry#hey if all fails i’ll just find something else to do. like work in kindergarddn that education sounds more chill#maybe its not idk im not gonna do that#anyway#i lost my point here idk what i was talking about#oh yeah i think i just dont like school#why cant i just be on my phone and have fun looking at gay stuff and talking to my friends like puhleeasseeeeeeed#do u guys think stay at home malewife that does nothing to help out is a possible option
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I dont think yall know just how fucking much i have to reserve myself when i text them
#like I know nothing super extraordinary is happening atm but like... im a touch/attention starved bitch who doesnt know how to process shit#like they finally started typing a response this morning to my tattoo question last night#and when I tell you my neck fucking snapped in the direction of my phone as soon as I heard the snap notif sound......#im not even fucking exaggerating. I literally had to force myself to wait a few to open it bc if not i wouldve opened it the second it sent#at one point my phone was in the kitchen & I was in the bathroom. I heard the notif sound & the response was immediate & pavlovian#I dropped what I was doinf & made a beeline for the kitchen. again made myself wait a few minutes to open it#the urge to geek out & keyboard smash & send a ton of emojis when i text them back is overwhelming#I feel like a fucking teen with a stupid first crush. kill me please#on one hand im like stop being so fucking cringe on the other im like. I wasted my teens/early 20s not letting myself catch feelings#im in my 'fuck it im going to enjoy my life & have fun & not take shit so serious & not hide my true self' era#I spent the last 3 years basically self-isolating self-loathing & in a massive depressive episode#thinking abt driving my car into a median almost daily & telling mself I'll never allow myself to feel or get too close to anyone again#granted I still have a lot of personal/emotional issues I need to work on but im so fucking proud of myself for making it out alive#I told myself at the start of the year that I was going to live in the moment & enjoy what life brings me. Well. It brought me this#and dammit im going to eat this shit up with gusto & a grateful heart because im ALIVE & im happy/having fun!!!#and when eventually this chapter ends im not gonna let myself spiral & hate myself like last time#Instead im going to be happy & thankful that I was able to live & feel & love & enjoy the experience#im fucking worth it damn it#that's all. im a fucking cringefailloser sap & although I lowkey wish I was more normal about it at the same time i dont#emma rambles#personal
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