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girlofprey7 · 3 years ago

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Why Apritello works/doesn’t work:

a short analysis and essay about April and Donatello’s overall dynamic and development in the 2012 show.

Apritello as a pairing is a pretty damn controversial topic in the TMNT 2012 fandom, and with good reason. Some fans may dislike or be against April because of her apparent rudeness or ungrateful nature towards everyone’s favourite brainy turtle, and Donatello may be thrown under the bus for his questionable and quote on quote ‘creepy’ behaviour towards April in the earlier seasons. Because of these observations, it has lead many fans to believe that relationship is unhealthy, toxic, and even going as far to call it emotionally abusive.

Today, we’re going to be looking at WHY fans may come to that conclusion, while also trying to look at the positive and promising sides of their relationship, in order to work out if their relationship works or not. We’ll be going through the moments where both sides have shown signs of toxicity, as well as signs of respect, trust, and love.

Also I just wanna say that this is my personal opinion, and though I am trying to fully consider all points from both sides of the argument, if you don’t agree with my overall thoughts, that’s perfectly fine. Just please keep your anti posts out of the Apritello tag where us fans can’t see them.

First we’ll be starting off With the Crusher himself, Donatello.

Let’s look at his examples of his toxic behaviour first:

He did follow her around New York in Target:April O’Neil. I may love Donnie, but I’m not going to deny that this decision was wrong, nor am I going to make excuses for him. He should have given April time to come to terms with herself, instead of following her and pushing her further over the edge. This was not a good thing to do, and while I wouldnt call it whole heartedly toxic, it was highly disrespectful of April’s space.

He tried to close up on her face when he was watching her with Metal head on the roof top. This is also highly disrespectful of April’s space, and could also be considered quote on quote ‘creepy’. There’s not much to say about this scene since it was pretty short, but all I can say is that he didn’t attempt to do it again after April called him out, though it still wasn’t respectful of him to do.

He got really jealous whenever April got remotely close to Casey, or when Casey got close to April. This is only in season 2 and maybe early 3 as far as I can see, but Donnie really didn’t do well whenever Casey was around April. He tried to pull them apart aggressively from hugging in Chinatown ghost story, and would constantly childishly fight and bicker with him for April’s attention. This is definitely an example of possessive nature, but I wouldn’t call it controlling nature as well, as he never outright insulted her or judged her for hanging out with Casey, he just bickered and fought with him.

Ok, so currently that’s all the So called toxic behaviour I can think of that was in the show, but maybe I’ll be able to find more examples that people use once I watch more of the series again.

Now, let’s move on to April’s purely Toxic behaviour in the relationship:

She stopped any chances of Donnie communicating his feelings or their relationship to him. The main example being in the invasion when she silenced his confession, while nervously saying that it just makes things hurt more. While her motivation behind this behaviour is still up for debate, I won’t deny that she should have tried to listen to what he had to say first, as well as try to communicate her own emotions better with him too. This is an example of miscommunication, and bad communication between a pair.

She would often get annoyed at him when he tried to help her or protect her, like in the Kraang conspiracy when he told he he’d protect her in the fight, and she responded with, ‘protect yourself,’ in a frustrated tone. She could have told Donnie that she didn’t need his help and that she could take care of herself politely, but she made a bad choice with her words and tone. This is an example of lashing out, without thinking of the partners feelings first. But this not completely count as emotional abuse.

She yelled at him, blaming him for losing her Crystal in Bats in the Belfry. This WAS partially caused by the fact the Crystal was controlling part of her emotions and actions, but it was still a hurtful thing to do to Donnie, who was trying to be patient with her throughout. This is an example of ungratefulness towards your partner, as well as lashing out and not considering their feelings first. Again, this is a bad thing to do either way, but I’ll have to look at her other instances in order to determine whether it’s truly emotional abuse.

(I don’t know whether her not actually outright telling either Casey or Donnie how she felt should be considered totally toxic behaviour or not, so I’m just gonna leave it as a half point for her lack of responsibility with the triangle.)

She doesn’t always appreciate him, or show her appreciation when he does something nice for her. This may be connected to number 2, in which when he would attempt to protect her or help her with something, she would sometimes respond in a stubborn and annoyed manner, not being fully appreciative of his help.

Ok, so again, this is all the so called toxic behaviour that fans usually seem to bring up while talking about The relationship, but this is also all the instances I remember her displaying in the series, but if I think of any more examples that people use I’ll add them.

(Also the claim that she may have been making mixed messages is connected to number one if you were wondering.)

Now before we move on, I just want to say something real quick. I love Apritello. Yeah it’s got it’s flaws, but I mostly blame the writers for that, and not the actual characters themselves. Hell, even with the problems I think it was pretty well written for an action show overall.

Also, I’m not trying to decipher which one of the pair had the most toxic behaviour, or who was the problem in their relationship, since both April AND Donnie have done things that I don’t agree with. I’m just trying to figure out whether the good on both sides, outweighs the bad on both sides.

So now, we’ll be looking at the pairs examples of respect/support/love/and trust.

Starting with Donnie:

When he comforted April when she was infected with the gas in Fungus Humungous, he never tried to take advantage of her fearful state, and instead just wanted to make sure she was Ok. This is an example of respect and support towards a partner, and not attempting to further your chances of being with them. Though Donnie still has his undeniable love for her (yes and at this point I’m pretty sure it passed crush territory), he is still able to treat her as a friend and comfort her without the motivation of getting with her.

When he followed April in mutagen man, though it was undeniably a bad thing to do, when April chewed him out for it and said without hesitation, ‘I never want to see you again,’ he felt guilty and remorse for it, and stopped doing it after that. He didn’t follow her again, knowing she needed space after the incident with her dad. This is what separates him from being a stalker. A true stalker would know what they’re doing is wrong, feel absolutely no remorse or guilt for it, and continue doing it even when he is told to stop. Donnie felt guilty and bad about it, even though he didn’t necessarily know what he was doing could be considered wrong, and stopped doing it. This is why he isn’t a stalker, and also shows his respect for April’s space and feelings.

When he gave April a music box in A foot too big, (yeah you knew I was gonna talk about this episode eventually) she acted uncomfortable with his forward ness, as well as the fact that he said nothing the whole time and the box was another obvious ploy to start something between them, showed by the picture of him inside, as well as the heart on the front. After living with big foot, he realised his actions were uncomfortable to her, once again felt guilty and remorse for it, and apologised to her at the end of the episode. He respected what she felt, and was willing to sacrifice his happiness for her. He stopped his behaviour after that and became more chilled and subtle with his crush. Sure he still bickers with Casey like the episode after, but I think that’s just their dynamic/relationship more than it is them fighting for April. My point is, he improved as a person because of HER.

He trusts April to make her own choices and shape her own path and goals in life. An abusive or toxic partner wouldn’t approve of your goals or chosen path, and would instead attempt to steer you away from them in order to change who you are. Donnie however supported April on becoming a kunoiche, and becoming a capable fighter like him and his brothers. He wasn’t at all threatened by her improved growth or skill, nor did he feel the need to put her down or make her weaker just to make himself feel more important. Hell, he even laughed with pure happiness when she took out Tigerclaw with that badass kick, showing that he loves what she’s become, and loves the path she’s made for herself.

He always allows HER to make the moves of affection, and never forcibly kisses her or hugs her without knowing she’s ok with it first. Again, this shows he respects her personal space as well as her wants in the relationship.

He knows when she’s gone too far, and though he does call her out on it, he still does it respectfully. Like the arc with the Aeon crystal and was acting out. He knew the Crystal was making her act that way, and wanted to help her overcome it instead of pretending that it wasn’t a problem. I have more to say on this particular point later, but I’ll wait till I find more prominent examples.

In the Gauntlet, when she broke down after her dad got captured for (I think) the second time, when she went to him for comfort, he comforted her and promised her that they’d get him back. Just like with the first example, he wasn’t trying to take advantage of her state to get with her or anything, he just wanted to be there for her, and make sure she was ok. Not as a romantic, but a friend.

He helped calm her down when she was mad at Shinigami after being beaten, telling her to not let her get to her, therefore calming her down. This is a sign of support of the others feelings and trying to make them feel better.

(This is more of a good thing on both sides as well as just something I find funny and endearing) they both bicker with one another in a banter sort of way. Remember the ‘bait doesn’t talk back’ and the ‘real kunoiche on our side?’ . He may be crushing on her, but that still doesn’t mean he’s not gonna blurt sassy facts at her and bicker with her. He still aknowledges that she has flaws, but as we’ve constantly seen, he still loves her flaws and all.

He apologised and took responsibility for his mistake with the transmitter at the end of eyes of the chimera, trying to make April feel better by even bringing her a hot beverage after the fiasco. This is a sign of looking out for the other and owning up to your mistake that may have hurt them.

Now let’s move onto April:

She apologised to Donnie personally for holding the grudge, and thanked him for sticking by her even when she was mad at him. She wasn’t thanking him for following her or anything like people may think, just thanking him for still being patient and kind with her. Also, while she was holding the grudge, she remembered what he had told her in Target, ‘some things are just beyond our control’. Which may have had a partial role in helping her come to her senses again.

She ALWAYS calls Donnie whenever she’s in trouble or in danger. I’ve seen this labelled off as codependency or her taking advantage of his feelings, but I see it much differently. In my opinion, this shows how much trust she has in him to save her, and help her whenever she needs it.

It was her memories of Donnie that helped her break the control of the Crystal. Donnie unconsciously motivated her be strong enough to defeat Za Naron and break her corruption. She broke through it, and became better, because of him.

She tried her best to get through to him TWICE in the Dream beavers episode. She was gentle and careful with him all the while (well apart from when she was slapping him to wake up, but that was when she was desperate). She was almost always seen by his side, and was close to panicking when he stopped breathing. And as soon as she found out he was Ok, she kissed him. Not for gratitude, not because she needed to make him feel better, but because she was happy he was ok.

When Donnie got injured in Monkey Brains, she told the guys off for teasing him, and was the only one to help nurse him back to health, being gentle and kind with him throughout.

She calls him out on his behaviour when she knows he’s doing something wrong. A lot of people see it as a bad thing when she tells him off for his poor decisions and behaviour, but I see it as a thing their relationship needs. A toxic relationship would most likely have both partnered not aknowledging the bad things that either one has done, and pretending it didn’t happen, or just be uncertain with telling them off. April doesn’t do this with Donnie. She aknowledges when he’s doing something bad, and call him out for it. In Target, she did t sugar coat it or stay silent about Donnie following her. She told him that he was doing something wrong, regardless of his intentions, and that he had to stop and respect that she needed to be alone right now. And like I said, he backed off and never did it again. And again, he improved, because of her.

She got mad at Casey for laughing at Donnie when he was stung badly on Dreggs planet, and was the one to help him back to the ship to be healed. When she knew he was ok, she kissed him again like in In Dreams, simply because she was happy he was Ok.

In Of rats and men, when Donnie told her that they had this covered, she responded with, ‘you always do,’ while smiling warmly, and with him smiling back. Romantic or not, this again shows the amount of respect and trust they have for each other. April instead of insisting she help or stubbornly barge back in, simply showed a sign of trust with him, knowing that had faith in him, and his brothers. This scene alone just shows the trust they have in their friendship, romantic or not, and that’s one of the things that makes them work in my opinion.

In the end of eyes of the Chimera, when Donnie apologised to April for using the transmitter on her, she wasn’t upset with him at at all. She’s said she was glad that Donnie used the transmitter on her because it allowed her to access her powers and learn to use them more. She tried to see Donnies mistake in a positive light, and appreciated him for his help nevertheless. This is an example of appreciation towards a partner, and aknowledging that their intentions are good and seeing them in a positive light instead of being disappointed with them.

For my final words, I just want to put in what the most common definition of an abusive/toxic relationship is.

In my definition, it is any relationship between people who don’t support eachother, where there’s constant conflict, and one often seeks to undermine the other, where there’s competition and disrespect, and most importantly, degrade and become worse as people just by being with one another.

And as far as I can see within the examples I’ve listed, both Donnie and April support each other throughout everything bad that happens to them, any conflicts that befall them they manage to get through, and have never purposely sought to undermine or hurt the other.

I want you to look at that last sentence again, and ask yourself: did April and Donnie grow as people or become better with overcoming their problems by being with one another? Because in my opinion, that’s how you really separate a toxic relationship from a good one.

So as for the question, are Donnie and April toxic or healthy?

Well, in my opinion, they DO work together, and their relationship is NOT abusive or toxic in any way shape or form. Both Donnie and April, though they had their flaws in the beginning, unconsciously and consciously helped eachother become better versions of themselves by being there for eachother throughout the series, as I have illustrated with the majority of my points.

And that my friends, is pretty damn FAR from abusive. In fact, that’s pretty much the complete OPPOSITE of abusive.

#tmnt 2012 #analysis #tmnt 2012 april #tmnt leonardo #tmnt apritello #healthy relationships #toxic relationship #reblogs are greatly appreciated!!

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smurphyse · 2 years ago

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hey i saw you were in the mood for asks so i thought i’d send you’ve some questions i’ve had but didn’t want to bother you with:) devastating affair is literally my favorite fic i’ve ever read i recommend it to so many people, i’m also a huge fan of your other work, everything you put out is so impressive!

1) in da, Spencer is pretty much the toxic one, are we ever gonna see y/n have that same energy?

2) what was the inspiration for da?

3) don’t judge but I low-key ship Spencer and Ashley on Criminal Minds, did you also pick up on the vibes, and if so is that why you pared them together in the story?

4) for batb, does Spencer have genuine feelings for bunny that are other than physical attraction, if so at what point did their dynamic start the shift specifically?

5) in 405, is the case going to be a larger plot line in the story or is it more of a side thing?

sorry if that’s a lot feel no need to answer lol, but anyway hope your day gets better! can’t wait to see what you put out next:)

Awhh heck yes! Always in the mood for asks! I do apologize for not answering last night but I fell asleep pretty quickly because I was exhausted. I'm so glad you like ADA! I do love the story and I, again as with all my other fics lol, have it mapped out. I just need to finish writing it. Thank you for liking my other work, too! I do love the things I've created within this fandom <3

Spencer is the toxic one in the beginning, but Reader is going to prove how she can be just as bad as he is soon.

The inspiration was I was listening to a song and went, "this would be a great desperate-hate-sex song for a scene" and I pictured that sex scene in the kitchen where after she tells him she feels disgusting when he touches her, rip.

I wasn't suuuper into Ashley x Reid, but I did pick up on the crush vibes, and I guess I just wanted to explore what would happen if they did fall in love and the aftermath of a happy ever after that just didn't last.

Yes! He does love Bunny. I haven't delved too much into plot yet, but Luke tells Bunny that Spencer talks a lot about her and that is true. Spencer's just not in a place to communicate those things to her, but later it will come to light and his reasoning behind keeping her at a distance and refusing to kiss anyone. I think his reaction to Bunny shifted when he carried her to her bedroom in Part 2 and she told him she started sleeping on the couch so she wouldn't have to hear him sleep with other people. I think he saw that and decided he would make sure she slept in her bed, and soon enough he was making exceptions for her he hadn't with anyone else, such as sleeping with her more than a few times and introducing her to Luke. I think they're the only people Spencer at this point feels like he can be with, even if he's not necessarily open with them.

It's... hmm... how to word this. It, and their relationship, will all come to a head at once. Let's say that. It all is funneling into the same place.

I love asks like this! Feel free to ALWAYS send me more <3

#smurph answers #ask smurph #a devastating affair #bunny and the beast #room 405

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marginalgloss · 3 years ago

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It occurred to me recently that I haven’t posted here for about nine months, and that if you knew nothing about me except for this blog, you might think that it something of a cliffhanger that I ended it on a post about expecting the arrival of my first child. (Or perhaps that would have been an entirely fitting way to end it.) Either way: I am fine, and we are fine, and last November brought the arrival of my son Robin into my life. I have been very busy almost every day since.

There are a couple of cliches about parenting that remain indisputably true. The first is that they grow up so fast. And the second is that nothing prepares you for it. We thought we were entirely ready and pretty well informed but from his delivery onwards nothing went as planned. We thought we’d feed him when he was hungry, and we’d put him to sleep when he was tired; and change his nappies, and play with him, and love him; and what else was there to it, really?

It turns out there is a lot more to it than that. Before Robin I never realised how polarised, how strained and how political people’s feelings are about matters of childcare. We’ve ended up raising him in ways we had never previously considered, partly out of necessity, and partly out of the kind of habits that grow into paths of desire across the days. Consciously or not I judge people who do things differently, and no doubt they judge me too. In spite of the reams of available literature it turns out that for many things — perhaps even most things — there isn’t necessarily a right or a wrong way to proceed.

Here is a third cliche that turns out to be extremely valuable: every baby is different.

The question of literature is a tricky one. In search of assistance I read a few parenting manuals; some of these turned out to be better than others, but I’ve yet to find a good book about what it means to be a father. Most books aimed at new dads are of the ‘pull your socks up’ variety — the kind of thing where the author imagined it thrust upon some feckless deadbeat by a weary spouse. But, being reasonably conscientious, and looking for something with a bit more depth than a guide to how to change nappies, I’ve found most books about parenting have little of interest to say to new fathers.

Being a dad is an odd thing to write about. I’ve read and heard people talk about how new mothers ought to be proud to be joining a kind of grand universal maternal tradition, one which predates even humanity itself. (Animals surely know about babies; witness my cat Louie’s endless patience with Robin’s various attempts to pull his ears off.)

People do not generally talk about the grand traditions of fatherhood in this way. And for good reason: a lot of men today wouldn’t be happy to follow the example of their own fathers, let alone imitate the conditions of detachment and distance that defined fatherhood for centuries. I want to say that expectations of fathers today have never been higher; but this is only because for most of recorded history, we had no expectations of fathers at all. In the space of perhaps two or three generations we have gone from the idea that a father should only have to provide for a child’s upkeep (and not slap them around too much) to a very immediate understanding of dadhood as a central plank of parenthood.

Perhaps a lot of this speaks more to my own insecurities than it does to anyone else’s. Still, I feel like there’s an easy camaraderie between mothers that isn’t apparent between fathers. My wife has developed a little circle of local mums with whom she’s in constant communication, whereas the WhatsApp group we created for the fathers in our NCT group has languished in silence. I don’t really have anyone with whom to compare notes. And what would we say if I did?

The pandemic has put us in an unusual situation. Ordinarily I would have had two weeks’ paid paternity leave, plus any holiday time taken alongside that. So I took three weeks off work — but I’m still working from home every day, as I have been since March 2020. This means that instead of watching me disappear to work five days a week, my son has spent every day of his life together so far with both his parents. I don’t even know where to begin with writing about the way this has changed us; perhaps I won’t know how to talk about it until it comes to an end.

It does mean that parenting feels like it has consumed my life in ways that might not have otherwise been the case. Being at home for so long with a new baby was a remarkable opportunity, and in the early days — through winter and the Christmas lockdown — it didn’t feel like I was missing out on much. Things are a little different now. Every absence independent from my family feels like it requires a negotiation as much with myself as with anyone else. And I don’t only mean literal absences. Someone new has come into my life and they have no tolerance for anything else that might be meaningful to me. So many of the things against which I used to define myself have necessarily had to be neglected.

It goes without saying that I haven’t written much. Whatever free time I have at the moment is normally spent collapsed in an exhausted heap on the sofa, watching TV. I can count the number of books I’ve actually finished in the last eight months on one hand; I have started and set aside perhaps two dozen. I feel very remote from the person who spent several years documenting here every book he finished.

Games have fared a little better. In the early days, when I found myself with some late night hours to myself, I picked up the remastered Bioshock collection. It took me months, but I eventually finished all three: the first game is a masterpiece, the second is a very decent sequel, and the third is probably the greatest missed opportunity in all of gaming. (I ended up writing several thousands of words about the games, over the course of weeks — the only thing of substance I’ve written since Robin was born, in fact — which I since abandoned, in a fit of self-doubt and impatience with my own tortuous style.)

But I mean it when I say that the first game is a masterpiece. I had forgotten just how immensely absorbing it is — a journey into another world that’s less realistic than it is gloriously theatrical. Every time I think about it I feel like I want to replay it again. And it never really occurred to me before that Bioshock is about parenting as much as it is a picture of Objectivism in decay. It hits different now, as the kids say.

While driving over the weekend I passed the word ‘DADDY’ outlined in rich pink flowers, laid in memorial at the centre of a roundabout. It made me flinch. Every time I see that word in whatever context it seems to come with an intimation of departure. And in the same way every time I think about this game it seems laden with the feeling of a dying fall that nobody ever really seems to talk about. You play as a kind of genetically modified clone, returning home to his unwelcoming father and near-absent mother in a demented inversion of the Odysseus tale; and the only good you can do in this world is to rescue the handful of innocents left within it. You have to become a father yourself, in a sense. But your days are numbered.

The ending of the original Bioshock is often written off as a bit of a joke. You fight a deliriously incongruous final boss, and then depending on your actions through the rest of the game, you get to see one of two final sequences. In the bad ending, the denizens of Rapture somehow steal a nuclear submarine, and it’s implied that something very bad follows. But the good ending has more to it than that. You return to the surface, and it’s implied that you adopt some of the Little Sisters you rescued down there as though they were your daughters. There’s a brief montage of scenes from an assortment of lives. A graduation. A marriage. A child reaching for a parent’s hand. And then a death bed. The hands of your daughters reach out for you one last time.

After perhaps twenty hours of gameplay this sequence is perhaps less than a minute long. It feels rushed, awkward, sentimental. But as a coda, it also has the outstanding benefit of being perfectly real.

#robin #personal #fatherhood #video games #bioshock

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vidcund4ever · 4 years ago

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I decided to answer these questions about my Sim related ships. NOTE: These are just my preferences for my gameplay! I don’t dislike or judge other people’s ships in their games! In fact, I think a lot of them are neat. x3

01. Vidcund x Cassandra <3

02. Vidcund or Cassandra x anyone else. I don’t know. I don’t see anyone else being a good match for either of them.

03. I’m going to keep this Q&A to The Sims franchise. My first ship was Chris x Melissa Roomies in TS1.

04. I ship Vidcund x Cassandra because they’re both shy nerds who have a lot in common, and I picture them both having a love for plants. I don’t think any other girl would see past Vidcund’s demeanor. As for the usual pairing of Cassandra x Don or Darren... Don is a himbo, and I don’t think Cassandra would be into a guy like that. (In my headcanon, she’s only with him to find more information about her mother’s disappearance.) As for Darren, I think his last name says it all: Dreamer. He’s out of touch with reality and would never actually pursue Cassandra. Even if he did and they became more than friends, I don’t think she’d ever live up to his fantasies.

05. I could never figure out who would be a good match for Vidcund until I started sharing headcanons with @nanominyo, and they shared theirs about Viddie and Cassie, and I couldn’t believe I’d never thought of it before! They’re perfect together! ^^

06. For a (very) short while, I had paired Dominic Newlow with Circe to try and make what happened between them in the PSP storyline less heartbreaking, trying to make what happened consensual, but you can’t erase what actually happened, which the sims community reminded me of. :( Poor Circe... Please keep him away from her...

07. I don’t think I ship a couple that most people don’t like (minus the mistake I mentioned above). I think, at worst, my ships are considered lukewarm. If I happen to have one you don’t like, you can comment it. I’m fine with that. XD It could be interesting!

08. Hmm. A ship most people like that I hate? Honestly, I don’t hate any ships (minus, you guessed it: the one I came up with between Dominic x Circe), but there are a few I wouldn’t do, like Pascal and Nervous. I do think it’s a cute pairing, but I also think Pascal is more of a parent figure in Nervous’ life rather than a romantic one. He has a maternal instinct, as we can tell from how he fathers Tycho. Also, I’m not entirely sure he’s over his crush on Circe?

09. Besides Vidcund x Cassandra? XD Buzz x Bella. It’s not a lasting relationship, but it’s one I think makes sense since Bella doesn’t actually like Strangetown. She thinks it’s, well, strange, and Buzz is the most “normal” person she’s met there.

10. Mortimer x Bella. I know they gave off Gomez and Morticia vibes in TS1, but Mortimer remarried very quickly after her disappearance in TS2, and Bella confirmed in the PSP game that she’d only married him for his money.

11. Are we still talking about my favorite ship, or...? I’m going to assume another pairing because I’ve already talked about my favorite one too much. XD Let’s talk about Tank x Johnny, because they’re another ship of mine. OTP, all the way!

12. JRO is popular, and I can see why. They’re all misfits one way or another, and seem very explorative like most sims their age are. It is kind of funny how majority of simmers give them this alternative style because I picture them more awkward than anything. XD I’m unsure whether or not I ship them as a poly relationship. I do see both Johnny and Ripp liking Ophelia, but not necessarily dating her at the same time. Maybe I’ll come around to it...

13. Kristen x Erin. I think they make a cute pairing, but I’ve only seen a couple other simmers ship them. Maybe they come off as straight? I mostly see them end up with male sims, but Kristen x Erin have great compatibility. (Taurus x Aries.) I also think the differences they have, like Kristen being ambitious and Erin being more carefree, maintains balance. Kristen learns to loosen up and accept her true self (like stop straightening her curly hair and start dressing more masculine), and Erin tries to take things more seriously (like pursuing an actual career).

14. I don’t know if I’m doing this right. I’m rating any couple? Because if I am, I’m rating Johnny x Ophelia a 6/10, maybe? They enjoy their teen years together, but as they get older they realize that they’re better off as friends. They have different priorities, as well as viewpoints on life. Ophelia is nervous and paranoid, and Johnny wants someone he can go on adventures with.

15. The way Tank and Johnny tease and fight one another until they admit their real feelings. Even after they do, Johnny keeps up the teasing. He loves the way he makes Tank blush. x3

16. My favorite canon moment of Annie Howell x Nervous is when she brings him back from the dead. He dies in the PSP game, but I don’t want him dead (and neither does Annie), so Annie pleas with Death who, obviously, is willing to make an exception for his son... although he resurrects Nervous as a Zombie. Even so, I think it’s sweet that she brings him back to get married and have a kid and try to live a (somewhat) normal life.

17. AU? As in Alternative Universe? I don’t have one of those. XD

18. I don’t know why, but I have to rant about Dina x Michael. Well, rant more about how they’re typically seen. It’s true that Dina cheated on Michael by kissing Don, but I don’t think the kiss was mutual. (Don isn’t afraid to “take charge” of a situation.) Looking at her memories, her love for Michael is deeper than most think — or that’s my opinion, anyway. After Michael died, Dina gave up on love and decided money would fill the hole in her heart.

19. If you go through my Tumblr, you’ll find plenty of memes that remind me of a lot of different pairings. XD

20. “Today” by Jefferson Airplane is one of the songs I can hear Vidcund play when he sits alone in the dark, thinking about Circe. I don’t pair them together, but for a long while Vidcund thought they’d make the perfect pair.

21. Everyday is a date for Circe and Loki, like conducting experiments on Nervous and eventually Gimi Branko at home, and making evil plans over dinner at a fancy restaurant.

22. I don’t think any of my non-canon pairings would ever become canon. I think the one that’d have the best chance is Johnny x Tank because GAY <3

23. No, I haven’t written fan fiction or drawn my ships. I keep my fiction in game, and I’d love to draw something, but I suck at drawing. XD

24. That’s all for now.

22 notes · View notes

mwolf0epsilon · 4 years ago

Text

“Eps’s Notes on The Illusion of Living”

It's taken me nearly three months to get this done due to writer’s block kicking my sorry butt. But, as promised, here are my notes on the "Illusion of Living". Good god has this been painful… But I did have a lot of stuff I initially thought of Joey somewhat confirmed for me, and got a few extra interesting tidbits of info that I feel are very curious...

--{Key}--

Italics are my opinion

--{Key}--

--{Quick retelling of the book’s contents}--

The Drews were among the more impoverished families in New Jersey, and Joey's father briefly worked in the silk industry to make end's meet before opening his own shoe store (that his mother oversaw profits for as the accountant). As such there were obvious limitations to a lot of Joey’s upbringing (like a lack of toys to entertain him with, and very few family vacations/trips that were memorable).

According to Joey, the shoes sold at his family’s store were primarily designed for people in the working class (clunky shoes and boots that would endure wear and tear rather than be flashy or comfortable to wear, which Joey complained never really fit him right), and had one singular design that was simply improved upon rather than any variety (I suppose the saying here would be “don’t fix it if it ain’t broke” but Joey really seemed to have some sort of issue with this, as he disliked his father’s works).

Joey's mother was a hardworking housewife and the primary parent when it came to rearing her child. She educated and played with him more than his father, so Joey was much fonder and emotionally close to her than to him and, while Joey’s father wasn’t an absent parent by any means, he was definitely more engrossed in working to sustain the family.

This family dynamic definitely had some impact on Joey, especially since his mother got him interested in the art of storytelling in general, and he seemed to have a lot more respect for her than for his father. In fact he even had a few reservations regarding his father’s mental integrity when he discovered his talent for making voices in a rather odd manner.

It should be noted here that, while Joey's father was strong, he looked deceptively frail and wasn't considered a particularly brave man by any means. He was however regarded as a bit of an entrepreneur, and Joey was very concerned that he may not be sane (which was a bit of taboo at the time, considering treatment for mental health issues hadn’t advanced past lobotomies and other disturbing medical malpractices) because he talked and sang to himself in curious little voices while he worked. Curiously enough, while a patient and loving man, Joey's father wasn't aversed to cursing around his young son (although Joey himself doesn't seem to use crass language, even if it was normalized in the household). Another curious thing to note is that Joey greatly dislikes mud, and especially hated it as a child (alluding to his later obsessive cleanliness as an adult).

Because of the financial issues his family suffered through, Joey didn't have a radio or many books growing up, and was thus more fond of Vaudevilles (specifically theatrical comedy, tragedy, and bizarre/surreal acts) which were pretty common in his city of birth. This interest for theatrics and third person story perspectives mixed terribly with later events in his life, like how at age 10 he witnessed a potential murder/suicide (Jesus christ...). Through this event he realized that there were different kinds of people in specific situations, especially when faced with the finality of death. Joey goes so far as to describe how theatrical the death was (Almost sounding disconnected from the reality of the situation as he noted that the crowd and even his own father seemed more like characters to him than real people). However, since Joey's neighborhood was ripe with strange people, he wasn't unfamiliar with bizarre events happening around him. Seeing a motorized ambulance was more amazing to a 10 year old him than actually caring for the death of a stranger at the front of his father's store.

At age 12, Joey went to Coney Island for the first time, and the journey excited him greatly since he didn't get to leave home very often. The trip to Coney Island was magical in a sense, and later in life he hoped to replicate it in Bendyland to a more permanent degree (the trip back home ruptured the magical effect, which he didn't want to happen with Bendyland).

Joey has his own set of rules he plays by which he considers his life’s philosophy that he calls "The Illusion of Living". This was inspired by several events in his life, including his father passing the time by playing make believe (the Shoemaker and the Elves). This unique perception of what illusion and reality are (“the same thing”), seems to point to Joey having developed a dissociative personality disorder from a young age, which got progressively worse as he grew older. This in addition with the ADHD patterns he displays in his confusing rambling writing (and Joey rambles a LOT), and the almost OCD behaviour in regards to cleaning up after himself, indicates Joey lacked impulse control and was more prone to listening to intrusive thoughts.

Joey's view of reality was often confusing to others and he greatly enjoyed poking fun out of slowly getting them to his point of view. Conversations with Joey were thus quite frustrating to some, but no less curious to others that actually tried to understand what the “Illusion of Living” was about (Like Nathan). According to Joey, only a few people ever got close to understanding it.

Joey enlisted to fight in the first war after he lied about his age (He was 15 years old, a year younger than the required age to enlist at the time). Out of all the positions in the army, he seemed most interested in comms, and considered himself more decent in communicating than actually fighting in the front lines.

It seems like Joey greatly enjoyed how he looked in uniform, and was also particularly finicky about his looks in general despite being in boot camp.

He made friends in the army, Private Donaldson and Private Eckhart, which Nathan (who worked at the tech lab that Joey later worked for) attests to being accurately described in the book. They were slightly older than Joey and were also interested in communication tech and shared his sense of humor. They also influenced Joey's social life, and tried to get him to date some gals that he wasn’t remotely interested in (the first indication that he may not be straight).

Another close friend Joey had in the army was Lottie (a communications officer) and he used to "chaperone" her whenever the four went out to party. He seemed to have a considerable amount of respect for her (which is likely a result of growing up observing his mother, thus understanding that women were competent in positions where other men would scoff at the idea of them working at all). As such he was quite supportive of the War's “Hello Girls” (comms female officers). Interestingly enough this contradicts Joey's sexist persona that he seems to take on in Dream Come to Life (a mask that seems to be among many others he employs to fit in with the rest of society).

Lottie was his special gal pal in the platonic sense and, while he often ate alone to be left with his thoughts, she usually sought him out to talk to.

Joey only ever empathized with people he was close to, often reserving telling stories to comfort his friends specifically. It was the only way he could brighten their day (which later supposedly helped a disillusioned Lottie when she was sent to serve in London). What one could take away from Joey’s days as a soldier was that he was incredibly perceptive in terms of studying people. He easily recognized people’s handwriting, and was greatly fascinated by others’s personalities.

He could also easily charm people just from reading into what they might be interested in, and liked the thought of subliminally impressing others (which he later incorporated into his cartoons). It’s never mentioned, but Joey was likely honorably discharged since the war ended in 1918 and didn’t need to return to the service of the military when the second world war hit (keeping in mind Joey appears to have mobility issues later in life, he might have not been fit for field duty).

At age 19 Joey ended up involved in investigating the murder case of Walter Richmond, a signal corps soldier Joey met briefly in his service days. The victim in question was responsible for documenting the war efforts, not being necessarily that great of a photographer, but taking a certain amount of pleasure in capturing the most viscerally gruesome pictures possible for shock value. How Joey got involved was a curious thing in of itself, since he didn’t know the victim all that well, nor cared to get to know him. Detective Adam Sinclair (a tall hulking man wearing the typical trenchcoat and fedora combo, who’s most noticeable features were his aged face and unshaven 5’o’clock shadow) tracked him down to his little minimalistic (and obsessively clean and tidy) apartment to question him. Joey was initially unsurprised that an ex-soldier ended up dead (not from the war, but likely ptsd), and was instead surprised that it was a murder case. He ended up inserting himself into the case as Sinclair’s shadow to help solve it. The reason was mostly out of self-interest, but his perspective did seem useful to the detective in the end. Throughout the investigation Joey displayed a few particular traits that indicate his attentive and peculiar nature, such as the way he reads others (their way of dressing and upkeep of posture), the manner of which he judges a good handshake, his distaste for smoking (which was taught to him via the idea that if something smells bad it’s usually bad for you) and drinking (he tries to be careful with alcohol intake in general, as he’s more accustomed to beer than drinks like champagne which one could over-indulge recklessly without noticing). Joey’s fascination for taboo subjects (war, violence, and death specifically) is also noted when he observes the victim’s photographic works.

This is a prevalent theme in an art gallery event where these particular subjects seemed to linger strongly in his mind, to the point where he noticed when one of the photos he recalls having seen before during his brief meeting with Richmond, appeared to be missing from the display. A detail that appeared to be dismissed by others, but of great interest to Sinclair.

During this same gallery event, there was an incident set up by the murderer that involved a firecracker and a crowbar that set off a lot of panic. Joey’s work at the signal corps labs saved him from the brutality of the trenches, but he's apparently familiar with the effects of severe PTSD (And ironically notes that reliving the same painful event over and over again is his definition of true horror/personal hell).

It became very apparent to both Joey and Sinclair that the murderer was amongst them, and that this onslaught of panic was a message: That the murder of the frontline photographer was personal.

They did in fact come into contact with the perpetrator and, after a while of radio silence between Joey and Sinclair, the case was solved with...Minimal success. While Sinclair knew who killed Walter Richmond, he unfortunatelly did not have enough proof to convict her (the sister of a casualty of war that could have easily been saved, had Richmond not left him for dead because it fit his narrative of the war just fine), thus allowing her to get away with literal murder. Worse yet, the resolution of the case seemed to further disconnect Joey from reality and consequence. He gained a disdain for Adam Sinclair where once he’d respected him as an authority figure of sorts, finding that he’d accomplished his role and still failed miserably. In the end, the only thing to come out of teaming up with Sinclair was learning a social skill that Joey employed later on, by mirroring back certain aspects of a person so they’d be more comfortable around him. Otherwise the detective became nothing more than a distant memory. Unimportant in Joey’s later narrative.

Two years later, Joey started working for a bookstore where he began satiating his vast hunger for knowledge, now that he had access to all sorts of books he could never afford as a child. Joey is fairly well read with an interest in various genres, although it was previously noted that during his army service people made fun of him for especially liking fictional novels. Joey being Joey however, wasn’t overly fussed about others’s opinions on what he sought enjoyment from, especially when it came to storytelling. Aside from getting his reading quota filled out, his bookstore job also helped him develop his salesperson skills through reading his customers. Through his experiences with his father’s shop and shadowing Sinclair, he had by now understood that people were highly superficial, and that he could apply whatever knowledge he gathered from them into how he sold his pitch to them. His charisma seemed to lure in customers.

While working at the store he met Abby Lambert who he immediately noticed had an eye for art. Joey quickly became friends with her and seemed to greatly appreciate her no-nonsense attitude towards life in general, going so far as to respect her capabilities as a working lady where other men would be disdained with her difficult attitude. In fact, he wondered why anyone wouldn’t hire her to do a job she could clearly handle, just because she was a woman (again contradicting his sexist persona). As a connoisseur of the arts, Abby was the one to fully introduce Joey to her favourite craft. He especially took an interest in Impressionism and its influences.

Abby also supposedly introduced Henry to Joey, which the latter insists wasn’t really that remarkable of an event since Henry was “unimaginative” and “lacking in talent” due to his specialty in cartoon caricatures, and not the richer awe inspiring paintings Joey seemed to prefer (basically Joey spends any given time in the book trying to make Henry seem as insignificant as possible out of pure unadulterated pettiness, which physically pains me).

Ironically, in terms of entertainment, Joey later favoured cartoons as the more appealing form of films since most other mediums didn’t really spark his interest, even if the genres were ones he found fascinating (I suppose that despite films being works of fiction most times, Joey likely thought real life actors were far too limited in their acts due to the natural limitations of the human body).

Returning to Abby, her friendship seemed to be more impactful to Joey than most others. Like with how he preferred his mother’s company to his father’s, Abby seemed to be one of few people he actually felt comfortable around, to the point where her criticism didn’t bother him. She was also mindful of him, where she could recognize Joey’s “preferences” and made it a point to clarify to him that their outings were purely platonic so he wouldn’t get uncomfortable in those situations.

Three years after meeting Abby and Henry, Joey became a manager at the bookstore and Henry began working there as well (by Joey’s suggestion it seems), and only then did they sort of start developing a meek little friendship of sorts (although Joey seems very dismissive about it and focuses primarily on Abby).

During that time, the idea to start his own business came about from two different events that happened that year. The first being his first ever theatrical script that he wrote and performed with Abby at a gallery event. During the performance of this little play (the theme of which was an angel and a demon discussing their role in influencing a mortal’s life), Joey discovered that he greatly enjoyed controlling situations and got way too into it (even considers what he could get away with in the name of entertainment, such as if he could act out actual violent or scandalous behaviours if he proclaimed it a part of the show).

The second event was his father sending him shoes once a year (which, because Joey disliked the make of his father’s shoes, he tried to get him to stop by pretending they weren’t arriving at his address or that they were getting stolen). As a means to ensure he got them, Joey's father started sending the packages to the bookstore. A doodle and writing on the package ended up inspiring Joey to create his own studio as he wanted to take flight in the entertainment industry.

Having thus decided that he wanted to open up a film studio of some kind, Joey immediately set off to get himself a memorable mascot. He had a vague idea of what he needed and what might be appealing to an audience, but he wasn’t particularly skilled in character design and openly admitted to this. Abby, who was also not particularly good at drawing cartoons, understood that her more realistic style wouldn’t really help (or appeal to) Joey, so she enlisted Henry’s help. Knowing that Joey was a bit picky in regards to how he evaluated art, she thought perhaps she could persuade him to take a liking to Henry’s works (which he wasn’t particularly fond of, due to Henry mostly working with pen-drawings of cartoon characters and caricatures that looked very unremarkable to him) if he could only see him actually work his “magic”. Joey was reluctant to bring Henry into his business plan, but upon actually reaching a design within a few minutes (that took a few tries experimenting with animal and human features in more detailed and then simplified ways) of Joey giving some directions, he seemed to be sold on bringing Henry on board.

Henry designing the company mascot was thus the final push to open up Joey Drew Studios.

The two began their partnership not too long after, and from then on out things got interesting very quickly.

The history behind the studio is...Not an easy one to validate in terms of whether or not Joey is sincere or even really knows certain dates (the more I look into the beginning of the book and the later exposition of information, the more I realized either Joey was starting to trip himself up on dates or his memory was visibly failing him). There are a lot of discrepancies in the dates provided, with some going back on how long Henry remained in the studio (even claiming to have at some point surrounded him with other animators and even a lead artist a year prior to his departure), when Sammy and Jack were hired (He says he hired Sammy in 1929 during the Wallstreet Crash, but later says he hired both him and Jack after the Wallstreet Crash), among other things... Joey Drew Studios was primarily funded by Mrs. Richmond (the mother of Walter Richmond), as Joey had forged friendships with the people involved in the case he’d helped Sinclair investigate (including the murderer whom he had grown to respect).

While other investors aren’t really brought up, it’s implied Nathan also had a hand in helping the studio taking off, as Joey often met up with him at the Russian Tearoom whenever he could. During these private meetings, Nathan would impart advice on Joey. Advice which he seemed to not care for, as he already had his own concerns at the time.

It seemed that his main plan was to acquire a talented and capable team to achieve his dream. A team Joey thought he wouldn’t need to "baby-sit", as he specifically wanted to hire individuals that were as studious and capable as he saw himself (curiously Joey mentions that Henry’s work ethic was exactly what he wanted, as Henry had never held work back or needed to be checked up on, which to Joey was an invaluable attribute).

For at least two years, the Bendy Cartoons were nothing but silence and sound effects (something we actually see in-game in BatIM Chapter One when the projector suddenly turns on and we hear nothing but the clicking of the projector and Joey’s whistling), which put them at a bit of a disadvantage when it came to competing with other animation studios.

This soon changed when Joey came across Sammy Lawrence and Jack Fain at a party he was attending on his 30th birthday (which he wasn’t celebrating, the party was a completely different event so supposedly Joey doesn’t care much for his own birthday).

He was already familiar with Sammy’s musical skills (mostly playing the piano quite masterfully), as he’d seen him perform at the theater when Sammy was still a teenager. Noticing him and Jack at the party was entirely accidental and was mostly due to the fact that, while Sammy was trying to keep out of the spotlight as he played, Jack’s showmanship shone through and caught Joey’s eye with how boisterous he was in their musical performance.

Joey approached them once their act was done and managed to convince them to work for him. Jack seemed to be immediately on board, while Sammy was a little more guarded in his agreement and immediately set up his stipulations for the job. This seemed to lean Joey’s interest towards Sammy (who Joey was unhealthily fascinated with because he was clearly not an easy man to control) more than Jack (who he likely considered too easy a read in terms of character, thus not much of a challenge to sway or condition).

By 1933 Joey officially bought the entire building the studio was set up in (which up until then was occupied by other people seeking their own ventures). Expansion and new hires likely started a year or so later and continued on despite financial instability, and between 1941 and 1942 Joey was already starting to work out how he’d get Bendyland to be just as perfect and spectacular as he had always envisioned (which was difficult because he never really got it to feel just right in his eyes, and something felt off to him).

In between listing several different projects, vaguely describing an innovative techniques (Sillyvision which seems to be linked with the Golden Ink?), and even setting up his own 7 rules on how to animate to help set up a guide for aspiring animators, Joey slowly drifts away from the studio topic and finalizes his book rather abruptly.

He insinuates there’s a lot more for him to tell but little to no connection with the “Illusion of Living” philosophy and he’d rather focus on his actual physical work with the Studio than sit down and write further, so he finishes off on a rather...Vague note.

--{On Joey Drew}--

Year of Birth - 1901 (Day and month are never mentioned, but it's possible that his favouring of the autumnal season alludes to a fall month) Year of Death - ??? (Supposedly he's died, hence why Nathan claimed the Bendy IP) Birth City: Born and raised in Paterson "Silk City", New Jersey (Joey doesn't seem to have an accent, so he likely masks it, or made an effort to lose it). Physical Characteristics: As a child he used to have curly hair (Considering the era’s general fashion and style, it’s very likely that Joey either cut his hair too short to see the curls, or simply uses too much gel to seem more presentable) Sexual/Romantic Preferences: Homosexual with Demiromantic subtones (Joey seems to be closed off in general, but more appreciative of the male figure. Could be interpreted as demisexual however, since Joey himself doesn't seem to like wasting time around people he doesn't have much of a bond with) Notes: Here are several notes I’ve compiled about Joey and his opinions on certain things and people. There’s a lot to look at as this man rambles like an old lady at a friday night bingo event, and thus I had a lot to take in!

Laughter is important to him.

Seems to be a dog person.

Likes Cheerios (yes this was a super necessary detail I had to jot down).

Considers having his ideas disclosed without permission to be disloyal.

Seems to have some sort of dissociative personality disorder (likely brought on by trauma or another undiagnosed mental disorder).

People-Watcher by nature.

Was taught by his father that the shoe makes the man (aka the art of studying people through their shoes).

Joey believes in the saying "The Truth is in the Pudding", a saying his mother often employed.

Never had enough money to own a pair of nice fitting shoes until he was 26.

Is narcissistically vain. Easily takes insult if people assume he can't look presentable.

His service in the army gave him experience with "experimental tech".

Enjoys music a lot, and he was considered a great dancer.

Finds modern feminine fashion standards appealing.

Disliked the way those with money romanticized lacking material gains. Found it personally disrespectful in a way, since he himself came from a poor family.

Seems appalled by too much color on one's wear (Joey is the goddamn fashion police).

Very picky about the arts.

Apparently disliked Henry's art style(???).

Lets people believe Henry is the creator of the toons, in an act of being holier than thou. (You lying son of a gun, stop lying to everyone and yourself whaddahell).

Joey's analogy of Henry starting a journey but Joey being the one to reap the benefits, is likely the truest thing he's said in this nightmare of a novel (boastful bastard...).

Thinks of Bendy as his firstborn, muse and messenger.

Took an art class with Abby (likely not a full art course, just a simple class to get the gist of it?).

Considers art the doorway to immortality.

Doesn't like post-mortem success (it frightens him, even). He'd rather be successful in his lifetime.

Admits to making mistakes, but not many. He also thinks mistakes don't need to be permanent.

Doesn't know what true rest is like, and is unsure if he'll ever be content enough to rest. On that same note he seems to really hate sitting still and his mind tends to wander, which he notes Nathan recognized with ease, even reserving a specific look for him (It’s the ADHD baby).

His friend Kyle was a lazy person and a gossip, which were traits Joey found annoying.

On their first meeting, Joey described having a desire to shove Sammy off a roof to see a more human reaction from him.

Assumes Jack is jealous of the attention he gives Sammy, or that the duo's relationship is strained, despite him barging into their lives out of the blue and making him feel like a third wheel.

Seems to think of himself as some sort of a messenger (going so far as to akin himself to the god, Mercury). His life’s mission is to help those who don't know they need to be helped (mostly through spreading happiness and laughter in such a dark and dreary era of human history). Bendyland is essentially Joey's means to fulfil this desire, as well as to chase his own need for a properly realized mixture of immersion and illusion.

He wanted Bendyland to be perfect, even the plot of land it might be built in needed to be perfect, so he inspected it himself with Nathan once he bought the deed.

Appears to refuse to call Bertrum by his proper name once he’s corrected the first time. Referring to him instead as either Bertie or Bert (toying with him perhaps? Testing boundaries?)

Doesn't drive. He instead hired a personal driver, Simmons.

For a little while he was living the American Dream, but thought of how he lived as less of a shared goal and more of a personal one (again setting himself apart from others).

His days were quite flexible and he seemed to despise set routines. He also doesn't like sleeping in. He liked to take a walk in central park early in the morning.

Joey used to make his rounds around the studio but the installation of the Ink Machine changed that habit a bit.

Nonchalantly notes that Shawn Flynn got a little defensive if he needed to be corrected on his work (OCD much, Joey? He was painting a lot of dolls by hand, slipups happen...).

He had priority meetings with Sammy, "meetings" with Jack (Sir what are these quotation marks for, are you snogging Jack while no one’s watching???), then met with the art department preceding the writing department, and finally he met with Grant Cohen in accounting to discuss finances and budget.

He had the final say in ALL paperwork regarding studio affairs.

Upon reading about it, found the concept of bringing in real animals to produce Disney's Bambi as funny, and joked about how trying to do so with Bendy and Boris would be chaotic.

Noted that Abby and Sammy were likely the only two people who closely understand the philosophy of the illusion of living, but not quite…

Was terrified of being misunderstood. Joey didn’t want to only be able to show half-truths, like a mirror reflecting the world darkly. Rather ironic considering he was quite deceitful in his adult life.

His desire for the world to love Bendy seems to be a projection of wanting to feel loved himself (quite honestly if one were to apply the theory of the id, ego and superego, it seems to me that Bendy is essentially Joey’s id, while Joey himself could be considered the Superego. The chameleonic social mask he wears is thus the ego. At the end of the day Bendy and Joey are and aren’t the same entity...).

Originally he didn't want to make a memoir (likely because he can't be direct and needs to work around the truth to fit him). It could also be that Joey didn’t want to linger on the past nor in death. He wasn't sure where it fit with his philosophy and thus tried not to explore too deep into it (existential dread?).

He wore custom tailored suits, and as of beginning writing TioL he had recently taken to wearing cravats (ever the vain man I suppose…).

Despite considering revisiting the past unnecessary, he couldn’t deny doing so if the time called for it. In fact, the Archives are Joey's memories of the past and he's sentimental enough to collect mementos of bygone eras.

Joey has trophies at home, the deeply personal things he couldn’t bare part with. Like the first sketch of Bendy, a napkin with the design of Bendyland, a letter from Henry, a ticket from a Vaudeville show, and his set of shoes he wore when he was surveying the plot of land where he planned to build Bendyland.

--{On Bendy}--

Notes: Here are a few notes I’ve compiled about the Little Devil Darling himself, and a few curiosities about his creation and the inspiration behind his character.

Bendy was officially created in 1928. According to Joey he was born of a dream, supposedly out of necessity, and he always had this idea of a little devil character doing mischief.

Bendy started off as a realistic little boy with a tail and horns (Abby’s attempt to bring to life Joey’s vague idea). Then, when Henry got involved, he became a cartoonish goat creature. The concepts were quickly worked out from a toony clothed amalgamation of both previous concepts, to a more intermediate design more closely resembling Bendy, and then finally, after Joey requested a simpler more shapely and less detailed toon, Bendy became the iconic little imp clad in only gloves and bowtie.

Joey named him upon seeing the completed design. There are two origins for his name: That of Walter Benjamin Richmond, who’s nickname in life was “Bendy” (a rather morbid homage considering what happened to him), and the mere fact that in Joey’s eyes, his little cartoon imp “bent all the rules”. Henry seemed to appreciate the name.

Bendy is meant to be the devil on one’s shoulders, much like the devil in Joey’s first theatrical play. He is however, a lot more like a little kid playing pranks on people. He is also a sort of embodiment of both the population and human morality (society at its most flawed point, but also quite relatable).

Buster Keaton was an inspiration for Bendy’s many shenanigans and movements, which were always meant to be fluid and a bit bouncy.

--{On Henry Stein}--

Year of Birth - ??? (It’s never mentioned how old Henry is, but I assume he’s around the same age group as Abby, since they were friends and likely went to the same art course. It’s likely that he’s younger than Joey, but not likely by much.) Year of Death - 1963 (It’s not really confirmed if Henry died when he was put into the Cycle, as he doesn’t seem to notice anything odd about himself, but it’s safe to assume the process very likely involves human sacrifice). Birth City: ??? (Unknown, it could be that he was born and raised in New York but Henry lacks a noticeable accent) Physical Characteristics: Average looking? (Irrelevant, he could honestly look like anyone really...) Sexual/Romantic Preferences: Presumably Heterosexual (He’s a married man in the 1930s-1960s, he’s either straight or hiding his sexuality, he seems to really like Linda however so could go either way really...) Notes: Here the few notes I could gather of the Henry info we got from TioL. It’s not much but its at least something to work with!

Henry is unremarkable appearance wise (to the point Joey forgot his face easily at first).

The way Henry dressed (mismatched and ill-fitted) indicates he likely grew up in poverty and likely only had hand-me-downs.

He mostly worked with pen-drawn cartoon character designs that were unremarkable but distinctly caricature-like (the Butcher Gang concepts were likely displayed in the gallery Joey attended, as noted by a comment he makes about them). Even if Joey apparently didn’t particularly like his style, Henry’s artwork was one of the final inspirations for the creation of Joey Drew Studios.

He is described as able to draw quite fast, great at taking directions, and as being a good animator. Overall Henry never really had any real need for someone to keep an eye on him which made him an exemplary worker.

According to Joey, Henry used to give pep-talks before he left the studio. This seemed to annoy Joey considerably for some reason (perhaps he was envious that Henry was generally a more likeable person).

Henry is remembered as forgettable, whereas Joey is flashier and more memorable.

Interestingly enough, Henry never claimed to own the design of Bendy, and was more interested in being business partners with Joey than starting a fuss about who owned the rights to Bendy’s creation (It’s very likely that he willingly gave Joey the design because Bendy was his character, and that instead the designs Joey did steal were that of Boris the Wolf, Alice Angel, and the Butcher Gang, the five other more notorious characters in the Bendy franchise).

--{On Abby Lambert}--

Year of Birth - ??? (It’s never mentioned how old Abby is, but I assume she’s around the same age group as Henry, since they were friends and likely went to the same art course. It’s likely that she’s younger than Joey, but not likely by much.) Year of Death - Possibly 1946 (Upon finally losing himself to the ink, Sammy seemed to have been actively hunting the Art Department and any stragglers that he encountered in the studio, so it can be assumed she died in the chaos) Birth City: ??? (Unknown but more likely to be born and raised in New York than Henry) Physical Characteristics: Frizzy hair, even when bobbed. Sexual/Romantic Preferences: Potentially Bisexual (She seemed to be acutely aware of Joey’s “peculiarities” so it’s possible she’s either a member of the LGBTQ community or perhaps an ally. Whatever the case it’s up for debate and interpretation.) Notes: Here are several notes I’ve compiled about Abby and some of her traits and mannerisms. There was surprisingly a lot more to work with than I expected.

She wasn’t really into the typical female fashion of the time. In fact, Abby wasn’t exactly fond of the typical mannerisms associated with women and was both notoriously rude and dressed herself in a “scandalously” modern manner (which is basically code for more practical less femenine clothing).

According to Joey, Abby is a very focused and determined person, which is why he admired her greatly. She didn’t know when to quit, however, and sometimes took things too far or involved others in situations or projects they didn’t want to be involved in.

She wasn’t very good at drawing original cartoon characters, and Joey was apparently not overly fond of her attempts at putting his ideas to paper due to her more realistic art style.

Abby was very insistent on Joey looking at Henry's works, even if he wasn't particularly interested in them (While it’s never said if she enjoys his art herself, it can be assumed she appreciates it enough that she’d want their mutual friend to see the potential Henry had).

She didn’t join the studio as the replacement Director of the Art Department until 1931, as during its founding she was still finishing art school. She and Henry never worked together. Despite this, she and Henry remained in touch even after he left for Pasadena.

--{On Sammy Lawrence}--

Year of Birth - ??? (From how Joey describes him, it can be assume Sammy was a teenager around either Joey’s early or late 20s before they officially met on Joey’s 30th birthday) Year of Death - 1946? (Sammy is one of few people who was turned without being killed first so it’s hard to tell if he’s really dead even within the Cycle since it’s a time loop...) Birth City: ??? (Sammy lacks a noticeable accent so it’s hard to tell where he’s from). Physical Characteristics: Has been described as bird-like and insect-like, with either brown or blond hair that’s kept longer than the typical fashion of the time (Not much more is known about his actual appearance but it can be assumed he’s either average sized or on the tall side considering his in-game height and build) Sexual/Romantic Preferences: Potentially Biromantic with a lot of Demiromantic subtones. Possibly Asexual? (Again this is pure speculation on my part because he did seem interested in Susie but isn’t really a people person in general. Does seem to know how to reign in people tho, so ???) Notes: Here are a few curious notes I’ve compiled about Sammy, the circumstances behind his hiring, and how much control he actually had as the music director.

He has an unusual appearance that, while not necessarily described as ugly, was clearly outstanding enough that some people were put off (Buddy) and others thought him handsome (Susie). His hair is also described as messy.

Sammy is an avid smoker.

He was among a few other musicians employed by the theater to drown out projector sounds and match the mood in silent films. Because he was good at improvising music on the spot, Sammy was excellent at carrying the story presented on screen through his melodies, which was what caught Joey’s eye when he first saw Sammy perform.

Sammy also recognized Joey and didn’t believe his dismissal that he was a “town person”. In fact, Sammy pinpointed the recognition to the fact Joey was that one loner that sat in the front row of the theater he played at.

It becomes very apparent that Sammy is suspicious of people in general. The way he observes others indicates he’s had some sort of struggle growing up. As such, he’s not big on sustaining conversations and he managed to aggravate Joey slightly by the way he addressed him on their first proper meeting.

Sammy had a songbook he shared with Jack, meaning they had a strong trust bond, which is why he only agrees to work for Joey based on Jack’s willingness to also be hired. Even so, he immediately set up professional boundaries for his position. He hired his own people without Joey’s interference, and he only ever indulged him if Joey was being particularly exasperating.

It’s very likely that since Sammy was the one hiring who worked for the music department, that he was the one who hired Norman Polk. This theory is made stronger by the fact he immediately demanded a projector and projectionist booth so he could better do his job.

Despite his surly disposition, Sammy is a no nonsense sort who wants things done and over with, rather than sit around and stall. As such Joey considered him one of the best decisions he made in terms of career.

Funnily enough, because the band seemed to be skittish around Joey, Sammy specifically prohibited his presence in the music department unless they had a scheduled meeting. This likely meant Joey was scarcely ever seen in the music department so as to not aggravate Sammy in person.

Alice Angel’s bigger (and failed) presence in the franchise is likely a consequence of another one of Sammy’s stipulations upon being hired. He had immediately noted that if the studio wanted to go anywhere, they’d need a female character (Perhaps Sammy really believed what he told Susie due to despising Bendy and actually favouring Alice as a character).

--{On Jack Fain}--

Year of Birth - ??? (Possibly around the same age as Sammy or a little older?) Year of Death - ??? (He was gone long before a few other people in the studio, likely in the first few experiments Joey performed) Birth City: ??? (Hard to tell, he doesn’t have an easily identifiable accent). Physical Characteristics: Has been described as an atrocious dresser (This man likes wearing bright colors!) Sexual/Romantic Preferences: Potentially Homosexual subtones (Not enough information provided to tell) Notes: Sadly lacking in the information department for Jack.

Jack is incredibly sociable and trusts easily. He's described as making bad jokes but laughing genuinely at them. His smiles are contagious.

Jack is an optimist sort who sees the good in any situation (even when being led around in a dark creepy room by a peculiar stranger).

--{On Bertrum Piedmont}--

Year of Birth - ??? (He was retired, so it’s likely he was around his 60s or early 70s when Joey first met him) Year of Death - ??? (It’s unknown when exactly he ended up in the Ink Machine but it’s very possible he was killed when all hell broke loose in the studio) Birth City: ??? (No clue). Physical Characteristics: Joey describes him (rather rudely) as a very portly man. Sexual/Romantic Preferences: ??? (No idea, chief...) Notes: Lacking in the information department like Jack, but what we get is a lot more substantial.

Bertrum was actually retired when Joey managed to get a hold of him. It took a bit of detective work on Mrs. Rodriguez's (Joey's secretary) part to actually find him as well, so he was not an easy man to get an appointment with.

His creative vision impressed Joey enough that the latter he ignored his apparent dislike for reminiscing so as to get him on board of the Bendyland project.

While discussing the Bendyland Project, Bertrum confidently jokes about it being quite the catch. He agrees to joining forces with Joey as long as he gets full creative control of the entire project. Although Joey agreed to this, he still managed to fight Bertrum on a few ideas, which annoyed him greatly.

It’s very likely that it didn’t take long for their initially friendly relationship to sour into open hostility on Bertrum’s part.

--{On Wally Franks}--

Year of Birth - ??? (No clue, but he was very likely in his late teens or early adult years when he was first hired as the studio Janitor) Year of Death - Supposedly still alive (I really do hope he got outta there like the letter insinuates...) Birth City: Brooklyn, New York. Physical Characteristics: ??? (All we know is he likely wears overalls and a sport’s cap) Sexual/Romantic Preferences: Possibly Heterosexual (Unless the letter is a forgery, he apparently has a wife, kids and grandkids) Notes: I’ll admit I didn’t expect to get Wally lore, but here we are!

Wally's actually quite skilled with maintenance. He can tinker with the projectors, other machinery and even plumbing. His schedule is a little off however, but Joey turns a blind eye to it because he gets the job done without question.

--{On Allison Pendle}--

Year of Birth - ??? (No idea! But she was relatively well known when she was hired!) Year of Death - ??? (She was likely lured back to the studio after everything went down but before Henry) Birth City: ??? Physical Characteristics: She’s a beautiful tall blonde according to DCTL Sexual/Romantic Preferences: ??? (She and Thomas are married but I honestly have no clue how to feel about her, she’s a mystery to me.) Notes: Extra minimal Allison lore for your Allison Pendle lore needs.

She was a famous Broadway actress before joining the studio. Interestingly enough, Joey was the one to hire her to replace Susie, not only breaking Sammy’s stipulation on the matter but also stirring Susie into becoming resentful towards Sammy and actually trying to recover her former role at all costs (even her own life).

--{On Nathan Arch}--

Year of Birth - ??? (He was likely a little older than Joey since they were in the army at the same time but Joey lied about his age to enlist earlier) Year of Death - N/A (Still alive and kicking) Birth City: ??? Physical Characteristics: ??? (I guess Boswell Lotsabucks is sorta modeled after him so go off on that???) Sexual/Romantic Preferences: Heterosexual (He has a wife and son and doesn’t give me any other vibes besides and overall instinctual distrust) Notes: Oh boy...I do NOT trust this man...

Immediately upon beginning reading TioL you get the impression that Nathan is not only trying to appear friendly and trustworthy by referring to himself as Nate A, but also that he’s trying to cover for Joey and make him appear more personable to the reader. But to what gain exactly?

Nathan is, like Joey, very narcissistically vain, and is also writing a book of his own (an autobiography maybe?)

He’s a smoker and prefers cigars.

When Joey discusses his childhood, Nathan is unable to contradict or confirm anything as he noted that Joey was always very private about his origins.

Nathan seemed truly surprised and impressed with Joey’s ability to make up uncannily believable stories, even suspecting that his accounts of “Lottie” might have been false as he couldn’t find any of the supposed letters Joey sent her when he started working on republishing TioL (it’s likely he could see that Joey often lied to himself just as much as he lied to others).

It seemed to Nathan that Joey was rather oblivious of subtle compliments.

By the manner of which Nathan phrases it, he seems to think of Joey as a professional and kind man, capable of seeing the good in others. That said, Nathan remarks that Henry's departure was a great betrayal for his friend, and that the latter shouldn't have been so "gracious" and "forgiving" towards him…

When the studio began to struggle financially, Nathan worried that Joey might not be aware of the issue at all, or that perhaps he was lying to himself to cope. He also later notes that Joey’s memories seemed to have deteriorated in his old age. He was often mixing up information and seemed rather guilty, which Nathan considering to be very unbecoming of the man he knew Joey to be.

A lot of the deeply philosophical Joey and Nathan interactions seen in the book might actually have occured between Joey and Henry (the "I think therefore I am" conversation is an especially telling one for me), hence why Nathan doesn't recall them. It also seems more likely because they contradict the way Joey portrays Nathan, but seem to fit his portrayal of Henry better.

#Bendy and the Ink Machine #BATIM #The Illusion of Living #TIoL #Notes #Reference

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breanime · 5 years ago

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I know your getting back together headcannon was a while ago, but I would die for one with Rio 😭 What did he do? How'd he get you back??

Boy, this got very long...

*gif not mine*

So Rio broke up with you

“I can’t have you fucking with my money,” he hissed at you

“All I did,” you argued back, “was try to help you make more money! How was I supposed to know it would end up like this?”

This, by the way, was a building engulfed in flames behind you

“I don’t need your help! I don’t need you!”

And that was that

His shit was cleared out of your place by the time you got back home

And you knew Rio, he was too pissed and too stubborn so...

...you moved on

It was hard, of course, but you refused to wallow

If Rio insisted on keeping you at arms’ length and not appreciating your efforts to help him

Then fine

You decided that you didn’t need him

(but you did)

and you decided that you didn’t love him anymore

(but you did)

And so when your sister said she wanted you to meet her new boss, you did

And when he asked you out, you said yes

He wasn’t necessarily your type

(read: he didn’t have a laugh that you could feel in your chest, he didn’t have long, nimble fingers that fascinated you, and he didn’t have a distinctive tattoo on his neck...)

But he was nice, and you had a good enough time with him

You were with him, your hand in his, when the two of you discovered his car in the parking garage of his building....

....smashed to hell

It looked like someone took a crow bar to it

And as he gaped and gasped, calling the police as he assessed the (significant) damage to his car

You sighed

This had Rio written all over it

So much so, in fact, that five days later, when two officers came to your apartment with a picture of Rio and a blurry video clip that looked like him casually strolling into the garage with a crow bar in his hands, you did what came naturally to you when it came to Rio...

... you lied

“Oh,” you laughed, “that’s just Christopher. He does odd jobs for me sometimes, in fact, he was there that morning because he was helping me fix something...”

“...at your boyfriend’s place of work?” Cop One asked drily

“He’s not my boyfriend,” you quipped back, “and yes. I’ll sign whatever you need me to sign to say that Christopher didn’t do this”

Cop One tried to poke more holes in your story, but Cop Two could tell that you weren’t budging

Before they left, Cop Two cleared her throat and turned to you

“Ma’mm, just... Whatever little love triangle the three of you got going on here, try to minimize the property damage, okay?”

And you couldn’t help but laugh

You called your not-boyfriend after they left and told him things weren’t going to work out between you two

And then you put on your shoes, grabbed your purse, and made the decision to go to Rio’s warehouse and tell him that you loved him

And that you never stopped loving him, because clearly, he hadn’t stopped loving you

But when you opened your door, Rio was waiting on the other side of it

“So I guess I was wrong,” he said casually, his dark eyes looking you up and down, “I do need you.”

He took a step towards you. “Why’d you tell the cops I was there for you? Why didn’t you rat?”

“How do you even know that?” You asked back

“Lady cop is on my payroll,” he answered easily, “She called me, told me how you gave me an alibi--even used my least threatening alias... Why?”

You frowned. “You know why.”

“Yeah...” He took another step, and now he was directly in front of you, his hand on your chin, lifting your face up so that he could look right in your eye. “...I know. But I want you to say it.”

“Because,” you said softly, “I still love you.”

Rio leaned down and kissed you then, and you knew that he would never leave you again

And you were right

He kept you at his side as his Queen, and anytime he needed an alibi--

--or a building set on fire--

--he looked to you

When You Break Up With Him

You were over it

You were over the long gaps of seeing Rio

You were over his vague excuses

You were over hearing “I had to handle some business”, “don’t worry about it”, “stay in your lane” come out of his mouth

You were over being treated like you were a child who couldn’t handle the reality of what Rio did for a living

You were over being in a relationship by yourself

So you packed your shit, tears in your eyes

The most communication you’d had with Rio that week had been a text that said: “I’ll be back when I finish here” followed by “so don’t worry about it”

And that had been it

You loved him, you loved him so much it hurt--

but you couldn’t keep doing this

You were almost done packing your clothes when you heard a creak in the floor, and you looked up to see Rio staring at you

He did that a lot--coming in quietly, his footsteps almost inaudible as he moved, but usually he scared you to make you laugh, kissing you as you whined about being startled

But now he was staring at you with wide, dark eyes

He had bruises on his face, and when you looked down, you saw his knuckles had scrapes on them, but otherwise, he looked fine

“What’re you doing?” He asked, his eyes going from the bags and boxes all over the room to you

“I...” You blinked back tears. “I’m leaving.”

“Why?”

Your eyes narrowed. “Don’t worry about it.”

Rio was glaring now, and he walked over to you, his steps bringing him forward quickly, and put his hand on your neck

His grip was firm--not painful--the possessiveness clear in his touch

And in his eyes

“Oh, you think you’re cute?” He asked. “Try again.”

“I’m sick and tired of being alone,” you answered honestly, “and I’m sick and tired of you always blowing me off.”

He shook his head. “That’s not what I’m doing.”

“Yes it is!” You pushed at his chest, making him take a small step back. “You keep pushing me out, Rio, I can’t take it!”

“I’m trying to keep you safe,” he argued, “I’m out here selling Monopoly money with suburban bitches, dodging the Feds, defending my territory--I gotta keep my personal life separated from that shit!”

“There’s a difference between keeping things separate and just abandoning me!” You moved past him, bumping your shoulder against him. “Look, you want to be able to ‘do what you do’,” you imitated him, “without having to answer to anyone--well now you can!”

“So you’re really gonna leave?” He asked, his hands in his pockets. You could see him building up his walls again. “You don’t like the way I treat you?”

You sighed. You didn’t want to argue with him. You wanted to stay with him, you really did, but you refused to live like this

It was a lose-lose situation

“I just have to go,” you said, your voice tired.

“Yeah...” He nodded, his eyes hard. “...Well,” he took his hands out of his pocket, shrugging. “Don’t let me stop you.”

And you didn’t

Rio watched you leave, his eyes on your back the entire time

You spent the night at your best friend’s house, crying in her guest room

She was gone when you woke up in the late afternoon, but she left you a spare key

You got up, showered, got dressed, cried some more, and then decided to go get something to eat

When you opened the door, Rio was on the other side

He looked like he hadn’t slept all night, his eyes red

“Rio,” you gasped out

“Get in the car,” he said back

You looked behind him to see a black car, and you raised an eyebrow

“Please,” he added

You did, and Rio drove you to the edge of town, to a storage unit that you had assumed was shut down

“I want to show you something,” he said as he opened your car door, “and after I show you, if you still want to leave...” He dipped his head down. “...I’ll let you go.”

You followed him to the last unit, both of you walking in complete silence

Rio turned to you, his hand on the lock, and looked you in the eyes

“You know I love you, right?”

You nodded. “I know.”

“And you know that... all of this... The way I’ve been treating you isn’t because I don’t trust you or because I don’t want to be honest with you...” He paused. “Nah, you don’t know that... But it’s true. I love you,” he said, “and I thought the way I was doing things was what was best for you, but... It’s not. I know that now.” He reached over and lifted your chin, his dark eyes on yours. “I want us to be partners--for real. So I’m gonna show you something, and you can do what you want with it, but... I need you to know that you’re the only person I trust.”

He opened up the unit, and your eyes widened

There were pallets of cash stacked up throughout the unit and a file cabinet off to the side

Rio walked over to the cabinet, opened up a drawer, and reached in

He held out a file to you, and you took it

It was full of information on a Federal Agent, and his face looked familiar

“Who’s Agent Turner?” You asked

“Agent who was investigating me,” Rio answered, “Remember when I was gone for those few months? Right before we got the new apartment?”

You nodded. Rio had given you some vague explanation about “business” and having to do some “side job” when you’d asked where he’d been

“I had him killed,” Rio explained, “In this cabinet is information on every agent, cop, lawyer, and judge I’ve ever had killed or intimidated. Nobody knows this unit exists except me...

...and you.”

You nodded, handing him the file back. You knew what this meant, what Rio was trying to tell you

“I need to be in on things,” you said, and Rio nodded, “I need to know what’s going on.”

“I can do that, mama.”

“I want to be a part of this,” you added.

Rio nodded again, licking his lips. “Okay. But you can’t just jump in,” he said, “you gotta do something for me first.”

“What?”

“Come back,” he answered, his eyes boring into yours, “Come back to me, baby.”

Your eyes filled with tears, and you ran to his arms

Rio held you tightly, and you could feel how much he needed you in his touch

“I love you,” you said into his chest

“Love you too,” he kissed the top of your head, “Let’s go home.”

*******************************************************************************************

Thanks for reading! I’m adding my taglist because this got HELLA long

Everything Taglist: @encounterthepast @jigsawlover10 @gollyderek @charlylama @realduckvader @whovianayesha @lexxierave @loveintheroyalfamily @fanfictionrecommendations-com @maxslime-blog @songforhema @lucielandss @themadhatter92 @christinawxxx @anabella-baby @blackcoffeeandgreenteaforme @luminex3 @ashkuuuu @luckysstrikes @carlaangel86 @floralpeaceofmind @dylanobrusso @iaintnofurry @ymariejp @its-my-little-dumpster-fire @mrsjaxtellerfan @holamor @drinix @rhabakoli @stories-you-wont-hear @king4thesirens @leahnicole1219 @evanlys19 @binbons-is-theloml @aikeia @bitch-imma-head-out @witchygagirl @geeksareunique @sparrows-books @nyxxnoxx @justvnash @truly-insatiable

Rio Taglist: @gemini0410 @sweetybuzz25 @glimmerglittergirl @gensneverland @jamielennkeeler @angels-pie @hermionetriskatniss

#rio x reader #rio imagine #rio good girls #good girls rio

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whencallstheheart · 4 years ago

Note

Honestly, if Nathan wanted her to stop being friends with Lucas, I would have a problem with that too. Whoever she chooses needs to trust her, her feelings for them and their relationship regardless of anyone else’s feelings or desires. (Although, I do understand how after this season, it would be hard to trust.) Jealousy isn’t a good look on anyone. But you’re right, let’s not judge a scene out of context. There could be a lot more going on that we don’t know about yet.

My problem with a lot of what I’ve seen being said (not necessarily by you but just in the fandom in general) is that there’s this notion that Lucas shouldn’t be allowed to have any feelings or express them. Of course he needs to trust her but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be honest about his concerns even if they’re out of jealousy. Partners need to communicate and that’s what he tries to do even if the method isn’t always the best. And it’s not about trusting her, it’s about not wanting Nathan to be a problem. Even if he knows that Elizabeth is 100% invested in being with him, there’s still an outside annoyance of this other man who cares for her who they have to deal with in one way or another. Lucas doesn’t appear to be concerned with what Elizabeth will do in that particular scene (although he should be). He seems more concerned about Nathan weaseling his way in or something. It will ring true, of course, so I think we’re starting to see Lucas realize what’s happening and he’s scared of losing her. Maybe he thinks he can hang onto her if Nathan is really out of the picture.

I don’t know. I feel like people just choose to not see the whole situation for what it is a lot of the time which is really too bad. People are too caught up in their team loyalty. I have a lot of compassion for Lucas these days. And for Elizabeth, too. People are so frustrated with her and how she’s acted and how she’s treated Nathan, etc., etc., but it makes a lot of sense to me. The situation the three of them are in isn’t an easy one. Everyone is making mistakes. Everyone is saying things they shouldn’t or maybe not saying things they should. It’s messy and there’s some beauty in that, I think. These characters have more humanity than ever before. It would be nice if people could be a little more open-minded about it instead of just being annoyed because things aren’t going how they wanted them to. I want people to try to understand where all the characters are coming from, not just the characters they like and are rooting for. That’s what I’m trying to do anyway.

#roscoetheotter

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allsassnoclass · 4 years ago

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Hi M! Can I please request "an actual open honest conversation" + "falling asleep over skype or chat" with Cashton? 💞 -blackbutterfliescal💛

alrighty here you go @blackbutterfliescal

Ashton's face is half-obscured when Calum calls him, shadows flickering over him from the street lights he keeps passing under and beanie flattening his hair so his curls fall further into his eyes than usual.

"Hey," Ashton says, adjusting one of his earbuds. "What's up?"

"I could've waited to call," Calum says. "I didn't know you were still out."

"I'm just coming back from the library," Ashton says. "Besides, I always want to talk to you, and I'll be back at the apartment in no time."

"What were you doing in the library at three in the morning?"

"I had a paper due tomorrow. It's not great, but it's good enough that I can leave the edits for the morning."

"Oh," Calum says. "You should probably go to bed, then, if you're going to get up to edit."

"Not tired yet," Ashton replies automatically. "Besides, I want to talk to you. What's up?"

Calum shifts, trying to get comfortable under the covers and still be able to see the screen. He misses Ashton's face, more than he conceivably should given how often they snapchat and FaceTime.

"Nothing much," he says eventually, once he's decided that laying on his side is the best option.

"Are you going to keep bullshitting me? Because this is the latest you've asked to call and I know that something's been bothering you. If you want to talk around it, we can, but I don't think you would've called me at three in the morning if that's the case."

Calum sighs, but he expected this. Ashton knows him too well to allow him to get away with lying about how he's been doing.

"I feel really fucking shitty," he says and then, to his great embarrassment, immediately starts crying.

The worst thing is that he never cries. Michael can get teary-eyed over those sad dog commercials and Luke sniffles at half the Disney movies he watches, but the last time Calum cried was when he broke his leg as a kid. It hurt like hell and he thought he would never get to play soccer again until his mom corrected that assumption.

"Woah, hey," Ashton says gently. "It's alright, Cal. Whatever it is, you'll get through it."

Calum shakes his head.

"Remember to breathe," Ashton says, and Calum obediently forces air back into his lungs. On camera, Ashton enters his apartment and flicks on the light.

"I d-don't want to be here," Calum sobs. "I hate school, I'm f-failing half my classes, I have no friends, I don't--I just want to be back home, with you and Michael and Luke again. I miss my family. I miss my house. I miss just--sitting in the back yard with you doing nothing, or going to get fries late at night because we didn’t want to go home, or any of those ridiculous adventures you dragged me on.”

He takes another shaky breath, swiping at his eyes. It does nothing to stop the flow of tears.

“Cal, it’s okay,” Ashton tries desperately.

“It’s not! You don’t understand. You’ve never had an issue making friends. You’ve always known what you want to do with your life and you’ve never gotten anything less than a B. I have nothing.”

“I thought you get along with the soccer team.”

Calum rolls his eyes, even though Ashton probably can’t see it in the darkness of his room.

“They don’t hate me, but I’m not friends with any of them. The only reason I have their numbers is because it’s on the team roster. It’s not like we’re getting lunch or forming a study group of anything.”

Calum didn’t have a friend until he had Michael, and he didn’t really have friends plural until Luke and Ashton came into the picture. He was terrified coming to college without any of them, but part of him had still hoped that his fear would be unfounded.

“What about your roommate?” Ashton asks. “I thought you two were okay.”

“I haven’t seen him for the past five days,” Calum says. “He texts me to let me know he’s staying over at his girlfriend’s, but that’s it. I should have gone to your school. At least then I wouldn’t be miserable.”

“Calum--”

“I know, I know.”

“You can’t choose your school because of me,” Ashton says gently. “My university doesn’t have the program you wanted and it’s too far away for your family to visit for a weekend. You wouldn’t have been happy. It probably would’ve led to us fighting.”

Calum rolls his eyes again, because he knows that. Everyone under the sun told him that he shouldn’t choose his school based on a high school romance, regardless of the fact that said romance is with Ashton, the love of his life. Luke and Michael ignored everyone who said that and now Calum gets to see all of their instagram pictures and snapchat updates, both of them looking perfectly content and utterly in love.

Maybe he should’ve gone to school with them. If he hadn’t gotten a soccer scholarship to his current school, he probably would have tried to scrape up the money to and wouldn’t feel so fucking lonely all the time. He already did two years of being without Ashton since he graduated before them, and it was bearable with his two best friends still by his side. Without any of them he feels untethered, adrift amidst an ocean with a storm brewing on the horizon and no lifejackets in sight.

“I miss you,” Calum says.

“I know, sweetheart,” Ashton says. He’s in his own bedroom now, phone propped up in his desk.

Calum misses him so much he aches with it.

“What’s going on with your classes?” Ashton asks. “You haven’t said anything about failing them before.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Calum pouts. Ashton sighs. “Look, they just suck, okay? I’m behind. Nothing makes sense. The teachers are mean and the classmates are mean and I don’t fucking understand anything.”

“Have you been going to class?”

Calum scrubs a hand over his face, hating this conversation more and more as it continues. Ashton can judge the answer by his silence, and he knows that it’s not the one he should be giving.

“You can’t learn if you don’t go to class, and your professors are going to be more willing to work with you if they see you making an effort.”

“I know.”

“Okay, okay,” Ashton says gently. “I know you do, Cal, but that’s the only advice I have. Can you talk to a TA or go to some office hours?”

Calum shrugs.

“When do you have class tomorrow?”

“Eight,” Calum says.

“Oh, sweetheart,” Ashton hums in sympathy, “and you’re still awake?”

“Couldn’t sleep.”

Ashton hums again.

“I’m going to call you tomorrow to be sure you’re headed over,” he says.

“You don’t have to.”

“I want to,” Ashton says. “I like talking to you in the morning, anyway. It’s a good start.”

Calum buries his face in his pillow.

“What?” Ashton asks.

“Everyone is going to judge me,” Calum mumbles, moving his face out of the pillow just enough for Ashton to be able to understand what he’s saying and for him to get some oxygen, because watching him suffocate on a video call would probably be traumatic for Ashton.

“They won’t,” Ashton says definitively. “They have their own shit to worry about. Half of them are probably in the same boat, anyway.”

Calum hums.

“You know, I thought I was going to fail some of my classes at midterms my first semester. I barely managed to scrape them all up to a B and save my scholarship.”

“What?” Calum frowns, but when he looks at his phone Ashton doesn’t seem like he’s lying. “You never said anything.”

Ashton shrugs.

“I didn’t want you to worry, I guess. It was hard enough being away from everyone, and when we talked I wanted to be able to enjoy it instead of making us both stress. I think part of me also thought I had to like… justify why I went so far away, I guess. Like if I had been having a bad time it would’ve just proven that I should’ve gone to community college like everyone was expecting. Everyone made sacrifices to get me here. I didn’t want that to be in vain.”

Ashton has always acted like he has to do everything himself. It took a long time to get him to open up when they first became friends, but Calum has always tried to give him endless support.

“What I’m trying to say is that you’re not a failure for how you’re feeling right now, or anything like that,” Ashton says. “You’ve only been at college for a few weeks. Everyone struggles a little to adjust, even if it doesn’t seem like it.”

Ashton may be right, but that doesn’t necessarily tell Calum how to fix this.

“If you put in the work, it’s still plenty early enough to get your grades up to passing,” Ashton says. “And if you still despise all of your classes by the end of the semester, you can talk to your advisor about switching majors. They might be able to point you towards something that you’d enjoy learning about more. Your career center might have one of those tests you can take that tell you what fields you should go into, too. As for the friend thing, maybe start with the soccer team? You’re a fucking delight, Calum. Once people realize that, you’ll make friends, but you have to encourage them to get close enough. Maybe you could ask about a team dinner at a dining hall. Hell, maybe you could ask your neighbor on the floor if they want to go get dinner. The worst that can happen is they say no, and that’s their loss.”

“Okay,” Calum says quietly. “It’s hard, though.”

Even thinking about approaching someone is making his palms sweat. He’s not as shy as he used to be, Michael and Luke and Ashton all bolstering his confidence since they became friends, but it’s a lot easier when they’re with him instead of over an hour away.

“I know it is,” Ashton says. “You can do it, though. I know you can.”

Calum hums.

“What can I do?” Ashton asks. “How can I help right now?”

Asking Ashton to skip his classes tomorrow and make the drive to stay with him for a bit is unreasonable, and Calum wants to do this without resorting to any unreasonable whining. Even though Ashton said he’s not a failure for how he’s feeling, he’s going to feel like one if he doesn’t manage to get through this.

“I should probably go to bed,” Calum says.

“Are you going to be able to get to sleep?”

He doesn’t answer right away, because he’s pretty sure that as soon as they hang up he’s going to start crying again or toss and turn until his alarm goes off or Ashton calls again to get him to class.

“Cal?”

“Probably not.”

“Do you want me to keep talking? Or maybe you could play some music to help you relax more?”

“Can you keep talking?” Calum asks. He doesn’t say I miss you again, because that would be redundant, but he’s pretty sure Ashton hears it, anyway. “You could read a phone book if you want, I just want to hear your voice.”

Ashton hums, riffling through various books on his desk.

“You could read your essay,” Calum says. “You don’t have to talk to me very long, just a little bit more, then maybe stay on as you get ready for bed.”

“You’re sure you want to hear about how Shakespeare uses the family as a microcosm of society?”

“Yeah, that’ll put me right to sleep,” he snorts. Ashton gives him a look that makes Calum smile for what feels like the first time tonight.

“Okay, buckle up,” Ashton says. “This is a riveting essay. This essay could win me awards.”

“You said it’s bad earlier.”

“I said it’s not great, but it will be once I edit a bit. As a stem major you have forfeited your right to judge.”

Calum rolls his eyes and snuggles deeper under the covers. Ashton clears his throat and begins reading, voice even and gentle. Calum lets the words wash over him and tries to get his muscles to relax, sinking further into his shitty dorm mattress. Somewhere between Ashton’s explanations about the rottenness of Denmark relating directly to the unraveling of the ruling family and Ashton thinking quietly out loud as he switches words around in his edits, Calum falls asleep.

#my writing #cashton #this is from the first week in november #trying to empty my inbox of the prompts in it #I have 5 others? I think?#anyway how about college aus. I do quite a few college aus #this was either going to be a confession of love or hurt/comfort #and I went with hurt/comfort

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letsbenditlikebennett · 4 years ago

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Who Are You || Ariana & Kaden

TIMING: Current PARTIES: @chasseurdeloup & @letsbenditlikebennett SUMMARY: Kaden shows Ariana how to make proper croissants and they share some real talk about what happened with Lydia. CONTENT: Mentions of sibling death and gun use

If you had told Ariana seven or so months ago that she’d be hanging out at Kaden’s apartment and getting a baking lesson, there was no way she should have believed it. By nature, they were supposed to be at odds. At least, that’s the narrative that the world tried to thrust upon them. Growing up with Celeste, she never fully bought into it, but Kaden had seemed to be a diligent hunter. One who she feared the moment she realized what he was, but that fear was far from her now as she rolled out the dough for the croissants with a determined look on her face. The layering on these required more precision and concentration than she preferred. Cooking had always been preferred to baking, but the latter had started to grow on her. She was careful with the rolling pin and looked back to Kaden once the last layer was rolled out. “You said we chill the dough again after this, right?” With confirmation, she set the dough back in the freezer and smiled at Abel who was diligently waiting by the entrance to the kitchen in hopes of some scraps. “Sh- Putain,” she looked back at the freezer, “Sorry croissants. Are all French pastries this challenging? These make biscuits look like a cake walk.”

“Yes, chill it and we’ll go from there. Oven has to preheat still, too.” It was strange to think that Kaden was willingly inviting a werewolf over to his apartment. And not to kill them, either. If it wasn’t for the pinpricks parading down his spine, he wouldn’t really think of Ariana as a werewolf at this point. She seemed so human. And she was a good person. That much he didn’t doubt, not at this point. Still not something he could have pictured a year ago. It should feel wrong but instead, there was some comfort in having her there with him in the kitchen, to not be alone. “Not all of them, no. Some of them are more challenging than this,” he said with a smirk as he continued to prep their work stations. He wasn’t sure what exactly it was about baking that was so calming, stabilizing in a way. Maybe it was because he could focus on just what was in front of him. And none of it had anything to do with monsters or nightmares or any other bullshit. Just flour, sugar, butter, a recipe, precise steps that had some room for experimentation, but still straight forward enough that there was minimal guess work. And as much as he’d resisted ever becoming a teacher or trainer for hunter bullshit, he was almost enjoying sharing what he knew with others. Another weird thing he never expected. “It’ll be worth it though; the work. There’s nothing quite like a fresh croissant. You’ll see. All others will be ruined for you.”

Ariana nodded along to Kaden’s instructions in regard to the croissants. They were somewhat familiar with her’s and Athena’s previous attempts. Apparently baking with hunters was one of her new hobbies. It was strange, being so firmly planted in the middle of two so very different worlds. Even with Alcher coming around and respecting her way of thinking, everything left her feeling like she didn’t quite belong anywhere despite her dream of finding her own supernatural community. A pack of sorts. But she had to believe she was making a difference. Kaden, a werewolf hunter who by all indications had been good at hunting and believed in what he did, had her in his home yet again. Though he seldom liked to admit it he cared for her. A whole ass werewolf. A small one, but still a werewolf nonetheless. He saw her as a person. He saw Regan as a person. Morgan, too. He even chose not to kill Lydia. His connections had to be making some sort of impact and she had to believe she was helping make things better somehow. The spaced-out look on her face was brief as she quickly remarked, “More challenging? I guess that’s why French cuisine is so renowned.” Still, a question sat on the edge of her tongue, but she smiled calmly anyway though her fidgeting hands likely gave her away. “If these aren’t the best croissants I’ve ever had, I want my money back,” she joked knowing full well she didn’t pay for any of the ingredients. Finally, she bit the bullet and leaned against the counter not caring all that much for the flour getting on her. She looked to Kaden somewhat cautiously. “Can I ask you something?”

Kaden smiled as he watched her try to process a baking process more complicated than what they were doing now. “Hey, there’s a reason I usually stick to pies.” He made sure the counter was sufficiently floured and ready to work, double checked the oven. Yeah, all the could do now was wait a few minutes.”Not that I don’t enjoy a challenge, just sometimes it was nice to work with a little less precision, a little mindlessly, I guess,” he added with a shrug. Especially if he was looking for some relaxation. Pastries where one wrong decision ruined the whole thing was far from relaxing. Stress found him easily enough outside of the kitchen, he did what he could to minimize it here. “Yeah, yeah. You’ll get your heavy investment back if these don’t turn out, Ari. Don’t worry.” He almost said he promised. Almost. He ought to know better than to use that word by now. Somehow the air around them shifted slightly. He couldn’t describe it. At first he wondered if it was just the chill down his back nagging at him once more, but that wasn’t it. “Sure. What?” he responded as he rested against the counter across the way, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

This was easily the most relaxed Ariana had personally ever seen Kaden. They’d spent a good chunk of the afternoon baking and joking around. It felt like this was the way things were supposed to be more often than not. “Well, you make damn good pies and I get to eat the pies so no complaints here,�� she said with a small smile. She hoped the question she had to ask wouldn’t completely ruin the mood, but it had been on her mind for weeks now. With how evident it was he cared for her, it was clear something changed and her curiosity had never been easy to keep at bay. With confirmation it was okay to ask, she assured, “I know I’m not supposed to use this word, but you’re not fae and I want you to know I’m serious-- So I promise that no matter what the answer is, I’m not going to judge you or think any less of you.” After all, it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing he chose not to kill someone. She leaned against the counter and softened her features though her eyes were still inquisitive. “Why didn’t you kill Lydia? What stopped you?” It wasn’t a question that could be sugar-coated, but she kept her tone soothing as if to verbally cue that she was upholding her promise.

Kaden’s mouth pulled into a thin line at the word “promise.” Sure, she had a point, but it did nothing but make his stomach churn at this point. The word was laced with so much pain and turmoil now. Funny how much a stupid singualr word could mean. But this was Ari. It was safe. Safe as it could be at least. Weird enough he thought of a werewolf as “safe.” Still, he waited, arms crossed, and nodded, waiting for her question. He didn’t know what he expected her to ask, but it wasn’t that. He pulled back his shoulder blades, shifted his stance and looked away, as if the answer could be found by staring off somewhere in the distance. His fingers pulled at the cloth of his shirt around the crook of his elbows. It didn’t help him sort through anything much. “I don’t--” He bit at the inside of his lip, pulling back his words. Even if he wasn’t sure how to articulate his answer, he knew there was one. Somewhere. He knew. Deep down. It was somewhere. “I just…” He sighed and dropped his arms and rubbed his temples. “I just couldn’t.” He couldn’t meet Ari’s eyes either. “I was there and I had the knife to her chest and I just… I couldn’t do it. Something about…” He shook his head again and struggled to find a way to describe it. Nothing about explaining felt right. His choice felt wrong no matter how he framed it. But at the same time, he didn’t think he’d have done anything different when push came to shove. And what he made of that, he didn’t know. “I just couldn’t, alright. I-- I couldn’t be like her.”

Ariana watched him calmly as he struggled to answer her question. It was a loaded one, she knew that, but it was also important. Kaden wasn’t exactly the most open when it came to verbalizing what was on his mind and even when he did, it was mostly French swear words. Not that she faulted him for as much. The more strained Kaden’s words sounded, the softer her own features became. He needed to know that no matter where he was currently at, she wasn’t going to fault him or abandon him. Something told her he was getting better, seeing other supernatural people as well… people. “You mentioned that before,” she said calmly, “There just has to be a why there. Even if you haven’t figured it out yet.” Then what he said next caused something in her to crack. Her head snapped up abruptly and she looked a bit alarmed by what he said. She quickly assured, “You could never be like Lydia.” Even if in their own ways, they had both been killers, intentions mattered. While Lydia needed to eat, she didn’t need to torture those poor humans. She didn’t need to use her words to hurt others who weren’t even her food source, but Lydia did all of those things with little regard. That wasn’t Kaden. She struggled to make eye contact as his own gaze cast away from her, but she continued, “You’re nothing like her and you won’t ever be like her. I can get that Lydia had to feed, but what she did- she tortured people needlessly. She hurt people intentionally just because she could. To exert her power or whatever. That’s not you. Even if you- You do what you do to help people.”

Still, his answer left Ariana with more questions. Questions she wasn’t sure wouldn’t make Kaden lose any sense of cool he was trying to maintain, but even if he did get annoyed with her, she was sure they’d be able to snap back so she asked, “Do you see her as more than a monster then? It’s okay if you do. I don’t think I could have killed her either as much as I don’t mourn the fact she’s gone.”

Kaden wrung his hands together in thought. So much so that when he looked down, all the flour he’d coated them with had been wrung away. Putain. He turned to wipe them with the white powder, coating them just enough to repel any of the dough they would be working with. Not that he needed to right then, they weren't going to handle the dough for a bit. But he needed to do something. He had to. He hadn’t done anything in that clearing. Well, that wasn’t true. He did something, but it wasn’t enough, was it? A group had to clean up after him, after his choices. Ones that nearly got him killed. A few times. He’d been rubbing his hands back and forth to shake off some of the excess flour, but he’d realized once again that he’d wiped off too much. Fuck.

“I-- It’s not like that,” Kaden started, wanting to run his hands through his hair and thinking better of it, settling to rub the flour deeper into his skin instead. “I know I’d never torture or-- But that’s not…” He pinched his eyes closed and shook his head. He wasn’t sure if this was who he should be having this conversation with of all people. As much as he cared about Ari, as good hearted as she was and as instrumental as she was in taking Lydia down, she was still a kid. Right, sure. A kid who to deal with so much death already. Things no one was prepared for. He looked back at her and tried to remember himself at that age. What Oscar would have thought he was ready to hear, and what Kaden at that age would have thought in comparison. Maybe he shouldn’t use Oscar as a goal post. Still. Maybe this was fine. Right? Putain.

“She nearly killed me, Ari,” Kaden said, looking back down at his hands. Hands that had destroyed as much as they helped create, maybe more. Deadly hands. He took a sharp inhale before looking back to her. “She had a gun to my heart. Point blank. And I got lucky it was out of ammo.” He’d been there on the other side of the gun, of the death. He saw the look in her eyes before she was sure she was going to kill him. The fear had left her from earlier and all that was there was cold determination. The clarity that she was right. The look he was sure so many creatures had seen painted on his face before the twist of his knife or the bullet left the gun. He’d faced death hundreds of times in his life. But he’d never been on the other side of the hunt like that. Not once. Usually it was a kill or be killed that was still the prey fighting back. This was… different. “I was on the other side of it and I-- when the tables turned. I couldn’t choose it. To be what she had intended to be.” It made him weak, foolish. To let her go after all that. To abandon all his training for the sake of some stupid thought of his soul and its fate. What did his morality matter for the greater good? Apparently more than it had in the past. “I don’t know if I see her as anything other than a monster. She was-- That wasn’t the point. Not-- I couldn’t be on the other side of the knife. For some fucking reason.” The dough had to be ready by now. He swung the freezer open and pulled it out and placed it on the counter. Like it was of any importance. Like he was allowed to play at being normal.

Ariana watched him intently as he processed what she’d asked him. The way his hands couldn’t seem to keep still was more than indication this wasn’t an easy topic. She’d never been under the illusion it would be, but it was still difficult to watch Kaden struggle all the same. His hands kept brushing the flour away only to re-coat them in flour moments later. As if the physical movements could tie any of this together in a nice, simple way. But that’s the thing, this wasn’t simple. There was no way it’d ever be simple, but it was important. She wished Celeste was here. If anyone could help Kaden figure all of this out, it was her. But she wasn’t here. She wouldn’t ever be here to offer her wisdom again, so Ariana would try to bring some of her energy to the conversation the best she could. “Alright, maybe it’s not the point, but it’s still an important distinction. Something you stand for.”

Prior to the mention of nearly killing Kaden, Ariana had still been leaning against the counter keeping her arms calmly at her side. The idea of Lydia killing Kaden made her hands ball up into fists. Her anger was all directed at Lydia, but she tried her best to keep her features gentle though her face ended up looking like more of a grimace. It reminded her just how much Kaden getting killed was a distinct possibility. The thought only made her want to lock him away in this apartment, but she knew he’d never stand for that. “You’re only here because the gun was out of ammo,” she said, her voice coming out as a strained whisper and her fists clenching even tighter. The more he spoke, the more questions she had. He couldn’t be her when the tables were turned, but hadn’t he been so many times before? Lydia was far worse than any werewolf she’d ever met so she was having a difficult time understanding. She took a few deep breaths and reminded herself, Kaden was still here, and even if this didn’t make sense to her, they still had each other.

“You couldn’t be on the other side of the knife… or gun,” Ariana asked slowly, still not entirely sure on what to make of that. The fact she was important to him was enough to show Kaden’s values were changing, but not in a way that seemed concrete as of yet. Now she felt tense. She wasn’t sure how to clarify without making Kaden feel defensive. She’d meant what she said, that there was no judgment on her part. People were capable of some pretty amazing things when people believed in them and hell, she believed in Kaden. Maybe other wolves would think she was foolish for it, but time and again, Kaden had showed up for her when it mattered most. “Look,” she started, “I’m not trying to- What I’m going to say, I don’t mean it in a bad way. I just want to understand. And I think you need to understand. You need to know where you stand so you don’t get killed out there.” There was a good chance he’d tell her to drop it, but even if he at least thought about it, he was one step closer to making his own way. Keeping himself safer by not putting himself in a position of fighting someone he couldn’t kill. She let out the breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding and finally let her hands relax. “You’ve been on the other side of the knife before,” she reminded him gently, “Something has to be different-- even if it’s you.”

Something he stood for. Right. More and more, Kaden wasn’t sure what he stood for. Everything had softened from black and white to shades of grey and it was harder to have a clear picture of what he did and didn’t support. And if that was good or bad, he couldn’t say. His hands clenched into fists for a moment before releasing them, a small puff of flour floating in the air around them as he let the tension fall away. It was strange to hear it put so plainly, coming from her mouth of all places. He’d be dead if the gun hadn’t been out of ammo. It just lent credence to the question of whether he should have even confronted her in the woods by himself. Maybe not. Probably not. What good had it done. He wanted to slink down against the counter and fall to the floor to sit, just collapse into himself with the whole thing. But he wasn’t alone. Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw Ari, tense and clearly struggling to calm herself down. He wasn’t going to fall to pieces in front of her. Not if he could help it, so he gripped the edge of the counter instead, held himself up, like nothing was wrong.

His knuckles went white as he held it tighter, a little more with every difficult question she posed. “That’s what I said, yeah,” Kaden confirmed, tersely. He wanted this over and done with. Nothing would change by dragging this up, would it? And she was too young to carry all this. He was sure of it. But she kept poking at it, prodding. “I know that,” he said, his voice snapping harsher than he’d meant to. “I know,” he repeated, softer this time. “I know I need focus but it’s not…” It wasn’t simple or clear anymore. “I’ll figure it out. Don’t worry about me, alright?” He turned away from her, and back towards the fridge to grab the dough, a silent savior from his thoughts. The sooner they were baking, the sooner he could drown all this out. “That was my point, Ari. I’ve been on the side that kills. Not the one that--” The lump in his throat didn’t let the rest of his words flow free. “So yeah. I don’t know. Doesn’t matter right now. Grab the rest of the dough, alright?”

Ariana watched on as she could see Kaden struggling with himself. While his distress and confusion were both visible, they didn’t quite make it to his words outside of a bit of a bite in his tone that he immediately softened. Her own flour covered hands started to fidget. This was something he needed to face, but maybe this wasn’t the time or she wasn’t the person. Part of her longed for Celeste to be here, she could help him through this and he wouldn’t feel obligated to be the strong adult in the room. She sighed and finally said, “Okay then. You can say that, but I’m still going to worry about you. Kind of comes with the whole giving a shit thing.” She tried to convey understanding in her features. There was no furrow in her brow or scrunch in her nose. Just calm eyes that tried to let Kaden know he wasn’t being judged here. “And that’s okay. You know that, right? I hope you know that. Maybe I can never really understand, but it does matter. Even if it’s not me, you should talk to someone and figure it out… though I have been told I’m wise beyond my years.” She said the last part a little more lightheartedly to get Kaden to stop looking like he might further grind down the flour. “But yeah, yeah, I’ll grab the dough and you can show me how it's done.”

Kaden paused a moment, still facing the dough on the counter. He would have to turn and face her eventually. Where the conversation went from here was up to him. “I haven’t been out. If that makes you feel better. On the full moon. Not for a while.” He looked down and noticed he’d been tracing small circles in the flour on the counter. He quickly used his palm to brush them away, clear the slate. He took a deep breath and finally faced her, letting it out as a sigh as he saw her face, seeing how hard she was trying to reach out. He tried to focus on what he knew. Ariana was a good kid. He wasn’t going to let her die. She was also a werewolf. He hunted werewolves. Where did that-- No. Focus. She was a werewolf who he wanted to protect. Even though she’d nearly killed him. So that meant he was questioning his codes. It had to. There was no other way to frame that, as much as he wanted to. That was something he had to grapple with. And soon. But he wasn’t sure how. Putain. Ari was so willing to help. But at the end of the day, she was still a kid, though. As much as she was like her sister, she wasn’t her. He gave her a smile, genuine but still small. “Thanks. For, uh. Just thanks.” He grabbed a small handful of flour and threw it at her, biting back laughter. “But no more bullshit. It’s time to bake.”

#kaden #wickedswriting #sibling death tw #gun use tw #mentions only

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inawickedlittletown · 5 years ago

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Eddie Begins - Some Thoughts

I’m putting his under a cut because spoilers. Also because fair warning it’s over 3k long. I clearly had a lot of feelings.

Pretty much from the moment that we knew we were getting an Eddie Begins, anticipation has been high and boy did this episode deliver. The episode opens with Christopher’s birth and Eddie is present for it and his emotions are all over the place and so well displayed. I loved the moment when the doctor asks him if he wants to cut the cord and he says no and Shannon just roasts him right there and then “you’re an army medic, but this makes you squeamish?”. The scene does a lot to establish Shannon and Eddie and Eddie is just precious when he gets called “dad” — “I like the sound of that.”

One thing that we don’t get in the middle of all of this is the birth complications? Nothing about the scene suggest that there were any complications. Christopher is delivered, the doctor tells the new parents that it’s a boy and they have the moment about the umbilical cord. But we were told previously that Christopher was stuck and that his CP might have been a result of the birth complications. So it was interesting that we didn’t get to see that.

Next we see them post-birth in a hospital room with Eddie’s parents and we get a very interesting tidbit: Eddie’s dad was not present at either Eddie or his sisters’ births. And later in the episode, we also learn that Eddie’s dad wasn’t around much — because he was working — when Eddie was little. It’s an interesting parallel and in some ways this may even go as far as to make commentary on gender roles and how both Eddie’s mother and Shannon were primary caretakers of their children and expected to do so. It even might explain why Eddie felt like he needed to support his family by working rather than by being present.

When Shannon’s mom arrives, Eddie runs over to hug her. His parents are warm and welcoming, and Shannon is surprised but pleased and they talk about her clean bill of health and everything seems nice and happy but the set up for angst is happening because we know Shannon’s mom will get sick again and we also know that Eddie and Shannon are not going to be happy. The whole atmosphere of the room changes the moment that Eddie is asked how long he’s staying for and Shannon isn’t happy when she says that he’s only there for another week. What new mother would be happy with the prospect of her husband leaving so soon after they had a baby? But Eddie points out that the sooner he goes the sooner he returns and then returns for good. That obviously doesn’t end up working out because as we see later when Eddie is finally back, things don’t go well.

Shannon gives Eddie the necklace with the St. Christopher charm and explains what it is and Eddie vows to come back and be with his family and as the scene ends Eddie says this:

“No matter what happens, I’m always going to fight to come home to my family.”

This of course is when we get that flash forward to later in the episode when Eddie is calling on the radio that he’s alive and yet no one can hear him. It is the perfect transition into the future. The writers have done such an amazing thing in creating this episode and framing it around Eddie’s past in a way that truly gives us so much information about Eddie and yet connects us to the story at present. The placements of the flashbacks just hit so strongly.

That said, I want to write about the past on its own first.

The next time that we see a flashback it is 2015 and Eddie has reenlisted in the Army. Christopher was born in 2011, so that puts Christopher at around 4 years old and from the way that this scene plays out it’s also clear that Eddie wasn’t home long before he decided to take on another tour of duty. (Edited to add: apparently Tim says this scene was supposed to be in 2013 which still doesn’t make a lot of sense other than how young Christopher looks)

What we do know is that Eddie was not around when Christopher was diagnosed with CP and that he doesn’t understand it necessarily past knowing that his son is “sick” and that all of what comes with that is costly. We also find out during this argument that Eddie enlisted in the army after Shannon found out she was pregnant in the first place — that was his response to her pregnancy. So he wasn’t around for her from day one.

Eddie is clearly of the mind that in order to take care of his family, he must be the breadwinner and that he must support them by working and bringing in money. He needs to provide for his family. While I think that absolutely plays a part in his decision to re-enlist, Eddie also doesn’t communicate any of that with Shannon. He doesn’t listen to anything that Shannon has to say and just does what he thinks is best without consulting her and it’s a little bit heartbreaking. Shannon is also looking for other solutions. She hasn’t been working because she’s taking care of Chris and yet she offers to sell the house, the cars, and to start working but to Eddie that’s not putting Christopher first. And this disparity between them is the argument that will never end — Eddie deciding things without consulting his wife and not understanding that Shannon needed him around and that Christopher needed him around.

Shannon makes a point of telling Eddie that he’s made all the choices even while saying that he has no choice. We know because Eddie and Buck have spoken about it, that Eddie did feel like he was running away when things got hard with Christopher and Shannon and it is hard to watch it actually happen. When he goes to pick up Christopher, it is awkward and unsure and Christopher clearly doesn’t even know him and that just cuts so deep because we know the kind of relationship that Eddie has with Christopher in the present.

Next time we are in a flashback it is still 2015 (I actually 100% think they screwed up with the year though going off of how 3 months after this incident when Eddie is home Christopher is said to be 6 years old so it would be 2017...except that the last flashback we get tells us it’s 2017 so who knows). Christopher looks older through the video chat and we also learn that Shannon’s mom is sick again. And this whole sequence is all about how Eddie earned his medal and we get to see him in action. But this gives us this beautiful moment to parallel with the present where Eddie is looking at the St. Christopher medal and at a picture of Christopher and it just seems like he’s sure he’s going to die and in that moment he’s thinking back to his argument with Shannon and I think it’s a moment of realization for Eddie for how much he has missed out on knowing his son because as much as he may love him, he also isn’t there for him. As an aside I want to add that back in S2 Christopher says that he wished for Eddie to come home for Christmas one year and that Eddie did. So Christopher knows all about Eddie either from Shannon or from Eddie’s parents — but he knows all about his dad even at a young age. Enough to miss him and want him home and to love him just like any child loves their parents and it’s also something that Eddie probably doesn’t realize until much later on when he does get to be around Christopher and be his dad at last.

Eddie is injured and he gets his Silver Star and he doesn’t feel particularly deserving or heroic about any of it, but the next time we see him three months later he’s back home in Texas and the whole family is there — at least his parents, Pepa, and his Abuela are around and it’s clear that they’ve come out to Texas to see Eddie and because they’re celebrating his medal.

Eddie brings out juice for Christopher in a cup with ice and his mom immediately tells him off and while yes it’s true that Eddie may have done something wrong, his mom is also very quick to judge him and his lack of parenting skills. And what’s interesting about this moment is that when he mentions it to Shannon she has clearly been dealing with Eddie’s mom for years and likely getting the same treatment. This would have been the perfect moment for them to bond over that.

Shannon jumps into asking Eddie about going to California and the thing about the way she asks is a little bit obnoxious. In S2 Shannon and Eddie argue and Shannon says something along the lines of “you didn’t want to leave your family in Texas” and it is implied that Eddie thought he couldn’t leave the support system of his family in Texas. As we come to find out here, she meant that he literally would not leave the family that had flown in to see him on a whim just because Shannon wanted to pack up and take off the next day.

Shannon lights up at the idea and doesn’t try to understand why Eddie is so against it. She’s just ready to go and we know this is about her mom and that she’s been waiting for Eddie to be home for a long time, but I think she was pushing in a way that was always going to result in Eddie saying no. And what Eddie asks for is more time, but Shannon is done and can’t give him any more time.

“I needed more time too” is all her note reads after she leaves them.

Shannon’s feelings and actions are absolutely valid and I think she needed to leave him, but she’s also wrong in doing it the way she did instead of giving Eddie the ultimatum of: “I’m leaving. That’s that. Figure out what you want.” I’m not sure how Eddie would have taken that, but it would have gives us a different perspective of her leaving. Another point to make is that it is one thing for Shannon to abandon Eddie and another to abandon Christopher and leave him behind because she could have taken him with her. She’s his mother and she left him and Eddie is justified in being upset about that.

The next flashback places us in 2017 and Eddie is talking with his parents who are adamant about having Christopher move in with them because Eddie has three jobs and isn’t around often enough and because they have been the only constant in Christopher’s life — not Eddie and not Shannon. Eddie actually defends Shannon leaving even though he’s also angry at her. I think her mom is 100% justified in blaming Shannon for leaving her son, but it’s interesting that Eddie sees it as Shannon leaving him specifically and not necessarily Christopher. I also find it interesting that Eddie is applying to be a firefighter at this time and that he isn’t doing so in Texas — unless the FD in Texas rejected him? — but he mentions Chicago and LA and obviously we know he goes to LA but I don’t buy it that he decided on LA because of Shannon. I think it’s in part to do with Abuela and Pepa being there and that Eddie isn’t all that sure about finding Shannon. After all, we know that he doesn’t reach out to her at all until he needs to for Christopher’s school.

I find it fascinating how Eddie’s parents offer him little to no encouragement about stepping up and being a good dad. They acknowledge that Eddie loves Christopher, but then in the same breath point out how Eddie doesn’t know Christopher and how Eddie is inadequate as a father especially if he’s going to be working as a firefighter. It just in some ways drives home for me how much Eddie’s view on life has been shaped by these two people that didn’t truly believe in him and that clearly value the family unit and the idea of the nurturing mother and all of those things are still so present in him later on.

And then we get the most beautiful scene in this entire episode and it is Christopher sitting outside on his own because that kid can do whatever he wants and Eddie finds him and sits with him and they have this beautiful moment during which Eddie decides to ask Christopher what he wants and Christopher wants to be with his dad — “I missed you all the time” Christopher says and Eddie could never leave this boy ever again. And I think when they start talking about leaving that Eddie is entirely conscious of the fact that he’s going to do it against his parents’ wishes and I just love the way that he holds Christopher in that moment. It’s just precious and perfect and I love it so so much.

In the present time we have Christopher and Carla stop by the station because apparently it’s show and tell at school later in the week and Christopher is Christopher so of course he’s been searching through his dad’s stuff and he wants to take Eddie’s medal in. But before that we get a nice sequence about working radios and the look that Eddie and Bobby share when Buck fails at using his radio is so full of fond and “why do we deal with him again?” and it is perfect.

Christopher of course gets his way because he’s Christopher and both Carla and Buck are there just watching Eddie give in like they both clearly knew he would. Also, it’s interesting to note that Buck doesn’t seem to know the story of how Eddie got his medal. Then the 118 are out on a call. A boy is missing. Eddie figures out where he is — in an abandoned well — and then when it is time for one of them to propel down to get the boy, it is Eddie going down and he sounds a little like Buck when he tells Bobby that he’s the one going down there. And the audience is preparing for angst. And because this is 9-1-1, it is the perfect time for the weather to just get worse and worse.

Eddie pulls a Buck and cuts the line when he almost has Hayden and his thirty minutes are up and it is both a moment of complete trust from Eddie that the rest of the 118 will get him out of there and stupidity. And yet it just makes so much sense for him to do that when he almost had Hayden and when Eddie is sure that if he doesn’t get Hayden in that moment that the kid will likely drown.

This is the first instance of Buck panicking a little when he says “I lost the weight” and he’s confused and doesn’t want to admit what he already likely knows — that somehow Eddie is no longer attached. They all look so devastated.

The next thing that happens is one of my favorite things. Bobby immediately tells Chim he’s going down but Buck is ready to volunteer because of course he wants to go after Eddie so that he can save him. Hen points out how horrible that idea is because Buck is just as stupid as Eddie and then the two of them would be stuck down there.

In the end, Chim goes down and he finds Hayden and Eddie and Hayden is pulled up to safety while Eddie waits. This is exactly the moment when things go wrong again. Lightning strikes and Buck tackles Bobby and there’s an explosion and the truck falls and things underground are even worse than before.

Eddie is thrown about down below, but Buck is the one having a breakdown because as soon as he realizes that Eddie is in trouble, Buck throws himself to the ground where the hole was drilled and he is digging through the mud as if somehow that can get him to Eddie. Buck is desperate and devastated and his logic is all but gone as he yells and yells Eddie’s name in exactly the same way that he yelled for Christopher during the tsunami. It is absolutely heart wrenching.

Buck’s reaction here is not normal for a co-worker or for a friend. It is the reaction of someone that loves without any doubt — it is the reaction of someone that knows they could be losing someone especially dear to them. It is absolutely true that Buck and Eddie are best friends and that they are close, but this connection that they have between them just transcends that. It is more than that. As much as we know the others love Eddie, they don’t react this way. They don’t let their emotion overtake them in the same way that Buck does — Buck who doesn’t lose his composure in this way when he needs to be a professional does for Eddie. And it’s a beautiful thing whether we look at this romantically or platonically, either way what is evident is that Buck loves Eddie.

When Bobby goes to Buck, there is no quelling the desperation and it is as Buck realizes that he can’t do anything that he falls back onto Bobby and it is such a heartbreaking expression that it is difficult to not read more into what Buck may feel for Eddie.

The next thing we see is Buck cleaning his hands. He’s desperate to go back out there and find a way to rescue Eddie but no one knows quite what to do and there’s a moment when he, Hen, Chim, and Bobby are standing outside the house where it is very clear that everyone is thinking about the odds and the likelihood that Eddie is already gone and for Buck that is not an option — it’s not something he even considers entertaining. There’s a beauty to his devotion and yet so much hurt too. The others are of course not going to give up either, but they are less convinced of a good outcome.

Eddie meanwhile is stuck down there and now he’s in water and his oxygen eventually runs out and he’s basically on his last breath and in that moment where everything seems lost we hear a voiceover: “Woah, you got a kid,” it’s Buck.

It’s a flashback montage and the first thing that comes to Eddie’s mind is the moment when he tells Buck about Christopher. Yes, this is literally the first instance on the show where Christopher is brought up, but that didn’t mean that it needed to also be the first thing that starts up this flashback montage especially since the rest of the montage is out of order. Buck shows up a lot throughout all of it and the logical aspect to this is that Buck is just always around when Christopher is, but they made a conscious choice as to what would be shown and I think that does speak volumes about Buck being a part of the family. I’d love to see someone figure out if they even left out any of the moments that feature Buck with Chris and Eddie. The montage is shown while Carry You by Ruelle ft. Fleurie plays which is such a fitting song. (And I will forever give props to the person in charge of music for 9-1-1 because they always know how to pick the perfect song for every moment). We hear Eddie call the 118 his family in a small voice clip from an earlier episode and then a repetition of: “I’m always going to fight to come home to my family.” And it is Eddie fighting to get out of that water and live for Christopher.. Oh, the feels.

Meanwhile, the 118 is figuring out how to find and rescue Eddie and Buck looks like his whole world has fallen apart. He looks so close to falling apart again because by this point he must believe that they won’t find Eddie. And Eddie makes his dramatic entrance and he just pushes past some other firefighters and no one tries to grab him or stop him. Buck loses not a second to run to his side even though there are a bunch of other people around. Bobby is right there next to him and the shock that Bobby displays and the way he says Eddie’s name in that moment also says so much about Bobby being sure that Eddie was long gone.

The way that Buck holds Eddie up and actually grasps his hand is a thing of beauty. And Hen is there right behind him telling Eddie they will get him home and Eddie is still thinking about his son and the importance of making that show and tell and being there for Christopher which is what we flash to in the next moment and once more we are hit with how much Eddie treasures his son, his good luck charm.

This episode was a lot of what I wanted from an Eddie Begins. It gives us a deeper understanding of Eddie, filling in all the gaps that we could only guess at before and giving us a fuller picture of what Eddie and Christopher’s journey has been. Mixed in with that was a rescue that in some ways fit in with the flashbacks and I am so glad that we got this. And yet I also do have to say that more could have been done in terms of showing Eddie’s growth as more than just a parent because at the end of the day the episode ends up being more about Eddie becoming a father and embracing that rather than about Eddie changing and growing in other ways.

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#911 fox #911 spoilers #buddie #911 meta #eddie diaz #spoilers

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thoughts-on-bangtan · 4 years ago

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This is gonna sound dumb. I'm a JKer, but Vmin is making my head spin. Do you think it's possible both JK and Tae are in love with JM? Tokyo video, hints of living together, the way JK looks at JM like he's his world. The way Tae looks at JM like he's his world. The songs Tae wrote. SN confirmed what I already suspected. It's about JM. The tension JK & Tae had and JM being the one to lie to JK/set up them talking seems sus. Its making me wonder if JM is in the middle. Vmin's wrecking my ship LOL

One thing I want to get out of the way right away is this—this is the last time we’ll answer a question that concerns another ship. Our blog is supposed to be about vmin, namjin and BTS as group, and while we are all for everyone shipping whatever they like, I’d prefer to not talk about other ships on our blog. Not because we don’t like them, we don’t, but because the only ship we see as having true potential to be real is vmin, and perhaps namjin, and that’s it. Therefore, there isn’t really a point for us to talk about other ships in a romantic sense at all. If someone would like for me to talk about JinKook, for example, I’d gladly do it (I adore their bond and dynamic) so long as it isn’t meant as the romantic ship but the friendship between those two.

The only reason I’m replying to this, and a second mildly “similar” ask, is because it, in a way, plays into what I recently said about JK here. That’s it. So, now that that’s out of the way, the actual reply:

Let’s put it like this—it doesn’t sound dumb, necessarily, and the fact that as someone who ships a different pair you can still acknowledge that perhaps another might be true, that shows that you see things much more realistically than some others do. But, at the same time, I can’t agree with your statement, not because I don’t like your ship (quite honestly your ship has never even for a second made me go “huh?”) but because it would create an awful situation within the maknaes and I don’t think there’s any kind of hint for that. At least not in a romantic sense.

A while ago Admin 2 wrote a reply in which they argued that JK might simply be a vmin ally, as in that he helps them shield their private life and relationship from prying eyes because he loves his hyungs and all three of them know that the two main maknae ships are powerful “tools”. Here, again, it’s important to differentiate between ships and the real-life bonds between the members.

More below the cut because, as always, this got very long:

Do I think JK is in love with Jimin, or has been at any point in time, romantically? No.

From all the arguments you’ve mentioned, the one that stuck out to me the most was “he looks at JM like he’s his world”, which might simply be a shipper bias. We all have that. But I especially think it happens a lot with JK. While I’ll admit he does look at Jimin with deep admiration, it’s also true that he does the exact same thing with Namjoon and Seokjin, as examples. It’s very hard to properly read someone’s eyes and body language in general and do so without a bias (especially a confirmation bias). I actually wrote a post on that a while ago.

And yes, I would make the exact same argument for vmin (and namjin) as well. While yes, there are instances where we see what some have lovingly dubbed ‘Taehyungie’s Jimin smile’ or ‘Jimin’s TaeTae smile’, I don’t take any of those as “proof” or arguments for why I think vmin might be real. We have a plethora of other far stronger and more convincing arguments, so using different looks and expressions in one or the other members eyes, to me, is a bit pointless. Just look at the way Namjoon sometimes stands off to the side and looks at all the members with this deep love and pride. Does that mean he’s in love with all of them? No, of course not. Or the way Tae might look at Hobi or Yoongi. Does that mean he’s in love with them as well? No.

(The pictures of JK looking at Tae and Jimin in the blue suit, as far as I’m aware, were at the same award show. The last picture of JK on the right is him looking lovingly at ARMY, does that mean he’s in love with all of us as well? No.)

Unfortunately a loving expression doesn’t come with a precise label of “this is a loving gaze for a person I admire deeply” and “this is a loving gaze for a person I’m in love with”, so while we can identify their expressions as something related to “love”, everything else is us projecting and speculating. At the end of the day all the members deeply love and admire each other and have moments where they look at each other like they’ve hung the stars in the sky.

So, while these moments and pictures of JK looking “lovingly” at Jimin or Tae, or Tae looking “lovingly” at Jimin, or Jimin looking “lovingly” at JK or Tae, are very cute and lovely, they don’t really represent any kind of evidence for the presence of romantic feelings, even more so when those pictures are taken when another member sings or is saying something.

Placing Jimin as “the one in the middle” would cause drama that I quite honestly think has never been an issue within BTS in such a manner. One thing that I think all members value insanely, because otherwise the group would’ve long stopped working and fallen apart (and not just come close to it for different, unrelated reasons), is communication. Yes, it’s something they had to learn over time and haven’t always been great at, but with something as big as this, they would have to do it, especially if two members would’ve realized they’re in love with the same member. To me, and I don’t want this to sound mean or like I’m belittling your feelings/thoughts, this simply sounds like something straight out of a YA novel or teen drama on TV, or one of those manipulative, agenda driven videos on YouTube.

“The tension JK & Tae had and JM being the one to lie to JK/set up them talking seems sus. Its making me wonder if JM is in the middle.” This I think is a bit of a misinterpretation on your part, which I totally get, there were a million ways in which people interpreted this moment and perhaps I shouldn’t position myself as ultimate unbiased judge, but, well, you asked for my opinion so…The way I see it is that, if we believe Tae’s and JK’s words like we should, then it makes sense that JK might’ve been a bit apprehensive about the conversation with Tae, which would’ve called for the ‘need’ to involve Jimin (after all we know that Tae asked Jimin to help him) and have him “trick” JK. But, what I think is much more likely, is that it was simply staged in such a manner for entertainment purposes. I highly doubt Tae and JK didn’t discuss wanting to have this conversation for the cameras sometime beforehand but maybe they simply hadn’t decided on when to do it, so Tae used the chance on that evening to do it. But honestly that’s basically speculations on my part, and everyone else’s.

I don’t believe for a second that the conversation in ITS was the real, proper one JK and Tae had about this topic, because that would simply be way too personal and a breech their own privacy. Much more I think it was simply a conversation set up in order to communicate the situation between JK and Tae to us, show that while they had these awkward parts between them they still want to make an effort to “fix” things, and that they are still getting along no problem. Which they obviously do. That is the most important part for me in all of it, the fact that they felt comfortable enough to share this with us, to face the uproar I’m sure they were aware it would cause within certain parts of the fandom, and yet…they still did it.

The whole scene of involving Jimin might’ve simply been for theatrics and to make it more interesting to watch (and offer for a great episode cliffhanger) and also to loosen up the atmosphere a little.

One thing though I’ve found very curious since the time when the episode aired was the question of why Jimin and Seokjin remained close by and played with a ball in the dark, of all things. But I’ll never know the answer beyond theories and that’s fine. The bottom line is that Jimin didn’t act as “the one in the middle of a love triangle” but more as a third party who has a strong friendship with JK (thus it was clear that JK would listen and follow him outside) and who’s soulmates with Tae (thus it makes sense that he would help him arrange that conversation and help him get rid of his nervousness). Admin 2’s theory is that Jimin was nearby as support for Tae and Seokjin as support for JK, since we know they share a close and deep bond as well.

As for the “living together hints”, which rely mostly (if not entirely) on the car sharing argument, I spoke about it here and here, and GCF Tokyo. Well. I know that one is used as crown argument but if we apply the same logic, I’ve seen applied to it, then we could also say that GCF Osaka was JK’s “couple vlog” for vmin, since they were the main focus in that video. We could say that GCF Helsinki was him hinting at the band falling apart/breaking up since the song was a sad one seemingly talking about a relationship coming to an end and each party going a different way, one taking the ocean and one the desert. Others claim that GCF are J*k*ok specific because Jimin is the main model, but that’s something JK himself has negated at least twice to my knowledge.

Personally, GCF Tokyo has been in late 2017 while we have 2021 now. It was a moment in time where, according to some, vmin were “d*ad” and J*k*ok on the rise, but we know the former isn’t true. It was a hard time for everyone, a challenging one, and curiously enough, a few months after the Tokyo trip, Tae began working on Happy Christmas, a duet for himself and Jimin that’s very much romantic sounding and was likely meant as gift for Jimin. If he knew JK was into Jimin romantically, that his feelings might be reciprocated, that Tokyo was a romantic trip, I think there is absolutely no way he (Tae) would’ve done that.

So, all in all, while you, anon, can think whatever you like and what you think is likely, this is my opinion which can be summed up easily as: vmin are vmin and JK is their close friend, but there have never been romantic feelings from JK toward Jimin, while it seems that there are a lot of (requited) romantic feelings from Tae toward Jimin.

Admin 2 has a theory, and perhaps it’s delulu and unsubstantiated, but they want to share it anyway: We know that when Tae started filming Hwarang and the Wooga squad was formed, Tae spent quite a bit of time with them. Perhaps that has a kind of loose correlation with the timing of the Dumpling Incident and their 4am meeting at the park and all the implications of what meaning it truly might’ve had for Tae and Jimin, that he saw spending time with his Wooga squad as a form of “”escape””. The Tokyo trip was simply a gift from JK to Jimin that was meant as a kind of cheer up gesture for Jimin. I don’t think it was their romantic/intimate trip, as so many try to show it as such, because if it were so, we wouldn’t have heard so much about it because we know Jimin is a very private person. Also, if it were such an intimate thing, why would they have created so much around it in form of videos and even interviews, a whole PR thing? Shippers, of course, created this entire mythos out of their trip, a whole fantasy.

Let’s be real, some of the stories and theories being shared by some about the trip are not only impossibly unrealistic but also insane and stupid at times, since they contain twisted “facts”, agenda-based interpretations and things that are simply impossible, like them supposedly having gotten married during that trip. In a country that doesn’t have same sex marriage. Just to return to a country that, also, does not have same sex marriage. As idols.

If Jimin and JK would’ve wanted to go on a romantic, intimate couples’ trip together, I’m 100% sure we would’ve never found out about it. Easy as that.

Lastly, the way these questions are set up and thought out, this whole thing about drama and jealousy and love triangles, they sound like stereotypical “teenage girl” thinking, classic by the book like YA books and teen movies marketed toward girls. Which isn’t meant as shade against you or teenage girls, but there’s a difference between how boys act and how girls do, how of course boys and men also cause drama but it’s a different kind of drama, while this whole jealousy thing is more of a girl thing. It’s part of nearly every plot written by and for girls. And if you notice, most of those YT videos are built upon this scheme, and why is that? Because mostly girls watch it and they’re made by girls/women.

I, just like Admin 1, think that if Tae realized that there’s something romantic between JK and Jimin, Tae would’ve immediately stopped with all the romantic songs, the picture, and everything else. But instead vmin progressed the way they did, and we are where we are today.

The second ask we got is this one and it might be the first time Admin 1 truly got angry and went on a rant:

From anon: Its kinda obvious Vmin use JK to get to each other. No doubt they all have a special bond, but I noticed in one vid, JM slaps JK's ass, but turns and smiles smugly at V and V smiles, but when JM walks off, the smile fades and V tilts his head and gives JM a go to hell look. lol. V grabs JK to sing to him, but V's not looking at JK, his eyes are glued to JM. When JM walks off, V just leaves JK standing there. Jikooks cooking live V calls. JM knows V's watching and nuzzles JK's neck. Kinda obvious

Let me be frank for a moment—this is completely bizarre to me, nasty and stupid. I’m sorry. I know it makes for fantastic drama, it fuels analysis videos (which brings in clicks and thus more revenue), but IF this were at any point in time real, do you really think BTS would still be BTS today? Do you really think the members would be as close as they are today? Do you really believe something as ridiculous as this happening in real life would fly? That Namjoon, as leader, as well as their managers and team, would allow for something like this to happen? And perhaps that last question might sound weird to you, but it’s true.

Also “I noticed in one vid” this fascinates me, and also confirms everything I need to know about this ask—I know where theories like this come from and I think I’ve made my stance on it clear in a previous reply, but I’ll repeat it one more time: analysis, theory and compilation videos are manipulative, inherently biased and agenda pushing and, in most cases, have zero connection to real life. They create bizarre scenarios and theories that push ideas of jealousy, betrayal, and powerplay because that’s what brings in the clicks, because people love drama, because that means things are happening and that’s exciting. But, with a band as big, kind, humble, and beautiful as BTS? That’s rude, disgusting, and presents the members as the exact opposite of who they are as people.

Things that happen on stage are, in many cases, preplanned “fan service” meant to entertain the audience. A split-second facial expression or supposed “mean eyes” between members are usually a bias reading or might simply have a completely unrelated cause, depend on the angle you watch the moment from, and a billion other factors that have nothing to do with drama, jealousy or any such nonsense.

Presenting the maknaes, and especially Tae and Jimin, the way you do, do you know what that would make them? Abusers. It would mean they abuse their position of seniority over JK and use him for sick games, knowing that age hierarchy wise he wouldn’t be able to “defend” himself quite the way same age friends would between each other, or an older member. It presents Tae and Jimin as evil, nearly vile, and toxic, like they see JK only as a toy to be used for some kind of game between each other, and that is truly disgusting and uncalled for.

Also, all of this erases JKs autonomy and place in the band, as artist and human, and presents him as just a toy to be used and played with, which again is the same thing shippers also do with him. I have a whole post about it. Read it and maybe think about everything you just said again and why you did so.

I don’t know what the point of this ask was, but for future reference—we will never answer such an ask again and I will not allow such ideas any kind of space on this blog.

That’s all.

Admin 2: Everything that happens on stage during concerts is more or less preplanned by the members. We know that vmin love roleplaying. I’ve noticed that in their interactions on stage they occasionally also use some elements of their roleplays. I wouldn’t be surprised (I think I know which video you are talking about, I’ve seen it) that what’s shown in that video is one of those typical vmin moments/behaviors. Especially if the video you mean is the one I’m thinking about is the same video that ends with JK standing between Jimin and Tae and while they bow, he brings Tae’s and Jimin’s hands together, which would mean there are no hard feelings at all and that JK is consciously involved in it all.

We should also remember that Tae interacts and does fanservice with him, so why do people not suspect that Tae also uses Jin for his “games” with Jimin? Or when Jimin does something with Namjoon, that he does that in order to make Tae jealous? Because we know it’s all planned and done on purpose for fans and there is no space or reason for anyone to do jealous or “use” another member for anything like what you suggested.

If there really were a reason for Jimin and Tae to want to make each other jealous or anything else, it wouldn’t happen in places where we see it, wouldn’t be happening on stage during a BTS concert since it would threaten their image. What happens on stage has no correlation with their private life, as in, that you don’t take your issues on stage.

Think about Burn The Stage and the conflict between Tae and Jin. Namjoon at the time wasn’t mad at Tae for bringing up the issue, he was merely mad because he’d done so just before going on stage, meaning that hurt feelings would go on stage with them and it could interfere with their performance and interactions. Knowing that, would Jimin and Tae do what you claim they did? No. If they interact and do things with JK on stage, none of it is meant as a way to “get at” another member or to create jealousy, it’s simply entertainment, fanservice, things meant to get a reaction out of the crowd. They are professionals. And such behavior has no space on a stage during a professional concert carried out by artists who are professions.

#answered ask #answered ask by admin 1 #answered by admin 2 #Maknae dynamics #jungkook #jimin #taehyung

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marvelousstevetony · 4 years ago

Text

Destined (For Happy Endings)

I’ve been working on this fic for a while, but I never really got around to finishing it. But I did now, and I just want it out, lol. I might come back to it in the future and edit or rewrite parts of it, but for now... well, this is it.

This is set the night before the Avengers go back in time to reverse Thanos’ snap. Steve and Tony have a conversation that’s been a long time coming.

5,1k, Steve/Tony + angst with a happy ending

***

Of all places, Tony was in the communal kitchen. He had been in the workshop most of evening, but then he went down for drink, needing something to calm his trembling hands. They just wouldn’t stop shaking. It’d been a while since he’d felt this nervous, this scared. Well, a few years, at least.

It was way past midnight, the rest of the team probably lying in bed, overthinking everything that was going to happen only a few hours later, just like Tony was. They all tried to keep composed, act unbothered, but everyone knew they were just trying to cover up what was hiding beneath the surface; the fact that they were all scared, terrified, of what they were gonna face.

Sure, they knew where they were going. Tony, for one, had been mentally preparing for going back to 2012 the entire day. It’d been more than a decade since whole flying through a wormhole and saving New York thing, but he still saw it every once in a while, even after everything he’d seen since then; Cap’s shield being smashed into his chest, feeling Peter’s body dissolve in his grip, being stuck in space while believing he was going to die. The point was, Tony still had nightmares about all of those things, and knowing he was gonna be face to face with the thing that had started off his anxiety made him… well, anxious.

So he’d done everything he could to make sure he’d be fine when the time came. He was just working on the finishing touches on the newly designed suits, but it would’ve been so much easier if his hands would just keep still. So yeah, a drink it was.

The kitchen was dark, quiet. Only the weak light from refrigerator Tony hadn’t bothered to fully close and the sound of his breathing gave any indication of activity. He hadn’t even taken anything from the fridge, just vainly rummaged through it before opting for a glass of whiskey. He didn’t know how long he sat there, sipping at his drink and staring out into nothing but his own hallucinative visions, but apparently long enough for someone to crash his one-person party.

“Shouldn’t you be sleeping? Tomorrow’s gonna be a long day.” Tony jumped and turned to see Steve leant against the door frame, arms crossed, a tired smile playing on his lips. That was such a dad-pose, Tony thought, such a Steve-pose.

Tony rolled his eyes and sighed to himself. “Thought I’d had enough of your lectures, Cap. You’re awake too, by the way, unless you’re sleepwalking. You’re not sleepwalking, are you?” Tony said drily and Steve looked to the floor with a humorless huff of a laugh.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to- I’m not judging,” Steve mumbled apologetically, then eyed the chair next to Tony. “Mind if I join you?”

“Be my guest,” Tony muttered and made a gesture for Steve to take a seat.

Steve scrubbed his face as he sat, rubbing harshly at his eyes before settling his glance on Tony. “I see you’re still a night owl,” he commented, referring to all the times he would stumble upon him, staying awake all night, working in the lab or simply drinking coffee in the kitchen by himself.

“Some things never change, Cap.”

As soon as the words had passed his lips, Tony felt something inside him churn, because isn’t that ironic. Everything had changed — that’s why they were here. Tony didn’t know if it was comforting knowing that he, maybe, still was somewhat like he’d been before everything; the accords, Siberia, the battle against Tha-… the battle, went down, or if it was exactly the opposite of that.

Maybe it was just Steve’s presence that sent a wave of nostalgia, a longing for the past, through him, and it annoyed him deeply that Steve still had that effect on him, because Tony had changed in the last five years. He had. He was out of the city, living in a small house, he had gotten married, and, hell, he’d had a daughter. And, okay, maybe his and Pepper’s relationship wasn’t like it used to, which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. It was just more like they were clinging onto each other because they had nothing else to keep them sane in a world of insanities. Maybe he didn’t feel the same way when he went to bed like before, and he knew Pepper felt the same, but that didn’t mean they loved each other less, just… differently.

But Tony was happy, for the most part, living like this. Like he’d said: I have my second chance right here.

“You alright?” Steve asked, snapping Tony back to their conversation. He must’ve fallen quiet, deep in thought.

Tony opened his mouth, but shut it just as quickly. He was just about to let out his usual reply, always, as he’d insisted so many times previously, but, for maybe the first time in his life, he took a second to actually think about his answer. God, he really had changed. He sighed and looked into the blue eyes he once had known to be so familiar. They were still just as beautiful, just as piercing, just as kind as they’d always been. But, somehow, they seemed… different. Tony wondered how long they had been like this. When Tony looked into them he saw Steve, but not the one he knew. This one was sadder, emptier, than he remembered the soldier.

Steve had always been sad, to some degree, in a way Tony couldn’t quite understand. Sometimes Tony forgot that Steve was actually just a kid when he went into the ice. All Steve had wanted was to serve his country, to be of use and no longer be a sickly child. And Steve, being the self-sacrificing and too-admirable-for-his-own-good idiot he was, had crashed the plane into the Arctic with no intention of waking up in a whole new world where everyone he knew was gone. Then he got some of it back, Bucky, and though Tony felt betrayed that Steve chose Barnes over him, he tried to understand Steve’s reasoning despite not agreeing. Tony carried the freaking flip phone everywhere, because he couldn’t let go of it, no matter how stupid he thought it was. And then Tha-… and then they lost. And Steve lost his best friend all over again, lost Sam, lost the twinkle in his eyes and maybe that’s why they’re so empty and goddamn sad.

By watching and knowing Steve, Tony somehow learned that being alone and being lonely is not the same thing. Tony thought back to the fanciest galas and biggest PR-events, to the team movie nights and training sessions, and pictures of Steve’s face flickered before his eyes. The distant glance, the creased forehead and the smile. Steve would always smile, because even when everything was shit, Steve felt the need to reassure everyone around him that it’d be fine, that he’d fix it. And Tony might not be genius when it comes to people, but he could tell a fake smile from a real one from miles away. After spending years pretending and perfecting his façade, he was practically an expert on the matter.

He could tell by the way Steve’s jaw clenched too hard, the way his lips were pressed firmly together, the way the corners of his mouth forcibly twitched, and the way that his eyes just never beamed. He could be standing the largest crowd either of them could imagine, but no matter how many people Steve was surrounded by, Tony could feel the loneliness radiating from Steve miles away, exuding it like it was his own natural scent.

But Steve never complained, never whined or whimpered, never asked for anything, and Tony hated that Steve never needed them, never needed him. He never wanted backup during mission, Tony remembered faintly. He didn’t want anyone worrying over him, not even when he nearly died out on the field. He never let anyone take care of him. He was always just fine on his own, and Tony felt like he’d been stabbed in his chest whenever Steve would shrug off the pain and act like he was happy when he clearly wasn’t.

But Tony just had to come to terms with it: Steve simply didn’t trust him. Not in the way he had wanted him to, at least. And honestly, all Tony could think about, all he wanted to do when Steve wore that characteristic melancholic frown, the line right between his eyebrows, the heartbreakingly unhappy smile, was to suck out every inch of sadness from Steve’s body.

And now more than ever, the sadness was physically visible in Steve’s expression, and Tony had never been good at dealing with emotions, not his own, not other’s. But in a few hours, all of this wouldn’t matter, and Tony didn’t have it in him to just… act like he was okay. In all honesty, he didn’t really know what he was. So that’s what he said;

“I don’t know,” Tony straightforwardly thought aloud. “I actually really don’t have an answer for that question.”

“Tony Stark at a loss for words. Wow. So I’ve successfully managed to stump you, huh? Who would’ve thought,” Steve smiled, still sadly, because that’s just how Steve was.

Tony huffed a humorous laugh. “Yeah, well, don’t get too cocky now, Rogers. It’s been a long day, my wits don’t come as easily when I haven’t had my coffee.”

“Or slept?”

Tony rolled his eyes again. “You said you weren’t judging.”

“I’m not,” Steve replied solemnly.

It was quiet for a while, a heavy silence settled over them. Steve was nervously twiddling his thumbs, biting his lip, while Tony just stared into space. It seemed like no more words were to be exchanged but then Steve spoke up.

“Are you scared, Tony?”

“About tomorrow?”

Steve nodded weakly.

“I mean, yeah. I am. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t.”

He swallowed thickly. He’d never actually admitted it, not out loud at least. But the words just slipped out through his lips like confiding in Steve was the easiest thing he’d ever done. He didn’t remember that ever happening before. It was the alcohol, he was sure.

“Are you?” He heard himself ask.

Steve inhaled deeply, holding his breath for a few seconds. “I… I don’t really know, to be honest. I think I’d be stupid not to. But I can’t let my fears of what could happen keep me from doing what’s right. Not again.”

Tony didn’t know how to respond to that — wasn’t quite sure what Steve meant by it. He just kept quiet instead.

Steve’s knitted his brows together in thought, visibly trying to decide how to continue the conversation. It took him a while, but at last he drew in a long breath and opened his mouth.

“Ever since what happened… happened, I’ve been… I’ve been trying to figure out how to move on. Grow,” Steve started, eyes low and aimed at his quivering hands. “I tried to help with the clean-up until everyone just… gave up, I guess. Nat and I tried our best to keep the team together, or what’s left of us. Tried going back to normal. But nothing every really did go back to normal, did it? I um- I started a support group. Sam used to lead one, I don’t know if you knew that, but he did. A-and I thought that even if I couldn’t move on, maybe I could help someone else. I don’t know if it worked, but I think Sam would appreciate me trying.”

“You know he would,” Tony said before Steve could continue his ramble.

The blonde looked up, revealing his suddenly watery eyes. Tony thought he saw something that reminded him of gratitude, but he wasn’t quite sure. Their eyes only locked for a split second before Steve’s glance snapped back to his hands.

“It’s just- I don’t know what my purpose is anymore.”

“I think we all lost some of our purpose when Tha-,” Tony stopped half way through the name. He sighed. Why couldn’t he just say the goddamn name? He gritted his teeth, squeezing his hands into fists. “When Thanos won.”

It felt weirdly relieving, Tony thought, after finally saying the Titan’s name for the first time since he’d returned to Earth all those years ago. Like had he been stuck under the moon that had been thrown at him and then suddenly released. An odd lightness after getting used to the heaviness. Maybe that’s why he suddenly gathered the courage to demand a better answer from Steve than I don’t really know.

“Y’know, you always were horrible at lying, Rogers,” Tony said instinctively, but then a sudden flash of reminiscence crossed him, of hard metal slamming into his chest, and he nearly went on to retract. Steve’s expression was unreadable, but Tony knew they shared the same thought.

Tony drew in a sharp breath and continued. “What I meant was that I want a better answer, an honest answer… Are you scared?”

Steve seemed to consider this for a long time, gnawing at his bottom lip, eyebrows knit together as if he was having an inner conflict with himself. Then he huffed and shook his head weakly.

“No, I’m not. I should be, but,” he shrugged and smiled humorlessly, “I don’t really have anything left to lose, right?”

“Right,” Tony said quietly. Something about the tone of Steve’s voice was despairing in a way Tony couldn’t bear, so he drew his eyes away from the man opposite him.

Steve appeared to notice Tony’s withdrawal and he quickly spoke up.

“Tony, I- I’m so sorry, I didn’t even think-“

“What are you apologizing for?”

Steve swallowed. “Sorry, that was just an insensitive thing to say… I know that you and Pepper have so much now, I know I dragged you into this, and I-I shouldn’t say stuff like that, shouldn’t be that inconsiderable.”

“No. No, I don’t— you’re good, Cap, really,” Tony said and he felt like he meant it. “I won’t lie and say this isn’t a big risk. I have a lot on the line, but if I have the chance to save something. Someone,” he corrected as a the voice of an awkward teenage boy played in his mind.

Mr Stark? I don’t feel so good.

He swallowed thickly and felt the hairs on his arms raise.

I don’t wanna go, I don’t wanna go, sir please-

He had to shake himself, squeeze his eyes shut, to rid himself of the haunting voice.

“I have a lot win, too,” he explained, not wanting to go into any more detail. He couldn’t. At least not if he didn’t want to have a complete meltdown in front of Steve, who seemed to take the hint.

“Okay. Thanks… But I am sorry, Tony.”

Now, Tony nearly laughed despite the tension. Steve had always been unapologetically himself and with good reason. He was usually so stubborn and headstrong it made Tony want to throw up. But right now, Steve seemed insecure, uncertain, goddamn nervous, and, sure, Tony had gotten better at self-control, but he was still Tony Stark, and he couldn’t help but comment on it.

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you apologize that much. Something change within the last few years?”

Tony had meant for it to be a joke, but in hindsight he knew he sounded petty and unfair. He wanted to reverse what he said, but Steve beat him to it.

“I should’ve done it earlier. Apologize I mean,” Steve clarified.

Tony didn’t know how to respond, his mouth opening and closing a few time before settling on hanging slightly agape.

“I’m sorry, Tony. I am so sorry for all the pain I caused you. I don’t regret defending Bucky. He didn’t deserve to be locked up in a prison. But I do regret not telling you about your parents… I don’t think I’ve ever regretted anything as much as I do that. And I, um, I tried to let you know. To apologize. I sent you a letter, there was a phone as well, I don’t know if-“

“I got it,” Tony confirmed and something inside him twitched, a peculiar sensation that he couldn’t quite place anywhere else but in his chest. It was uncomfortable and fiery, and definitely not positive.

“Oh. Okay-“ Steve started, but was quickly cut off again.

“Why?” Tony asked, his voice filling with rage as pictures of the letter and the stupid flip-phone flickered through his mind. “Why didn’t you call?”

Steve frowned and yet, his features were still soft. Vulnerable. “I didn’t think you’d want me to.”

Now, Tony actually laughed. A spiteful chuckle rolled off his tongue and he could almost taste the venomous bitterness of his next words.

“I hated you-“

“I don’t blame you,” Steve concurred, his gaze dropping to the floor.

“I hated you. I hated the letter. I hated that goddamn flip-phone that, by the way, I carried with me every single fucking day, waiting for you to be the bigger person, because you alway were. You were always so good and righteous and so fucking perfect it made me sick.”

Steve bit his lip.

“I didn’t want to reach out in case you wouldn’t respond… I- I couldn’t bear the thought of you choosing to avoid me, even though you had every right to do so, so I just decided… not to. I thought I’d rather just not know in case I didn’t get the answer I wanted. And I’m sorry for that, too.”

“Back at it again with the apologies,” Tony rolled his eyes for what seemed like the twentieth time that night.

“You deserve more than a hollow apology, Tony.” Steve’s voice was way too earnest, way too sober, saying it like that. Like he would be satisfied if those were his last words. “I wish I could offer you more, wish I could show you how badly I wanted to press that call button, how much it has haunted me all these years…”

Steve trailed off and looked back up at Tony through long, thick lashes, blue crystals sparkling with pained hope. They were still so characteristically sad, Tony knew them, or at least he used to, because now there was something unfamiliar flickering in them. Maybe it was the moonlight that shone on them through the large glass panels, or the moisture that gathered at his bottom lash line that made Steve’s eyes look so vulnerable and sincere.

The remorse cascaded from Steve’s eyes. He didn’t have to say anything for Tony to picture how the nagging feeling inside Steve’s chest had been silently killing him for years. Tony could see it very clearly; how the regret would come to him in quiet moments, such as when he fruitlessly fought to fall asleep, or when he sat alone in the back of a diner, drinking cheap coffee that was bitter on his tongue, yet not bitter enough to extinguish the lingering taste of guilt.

Tony saw how the regret washed over him like slow waves on a shallow beach, how each wave was ice cold and sent shivers down his back. How he longed to turn back time and make a different choice, the right choice. How he envied the the pebbles, unbreakable and lifeless, unable to sense the stabbing agony Steve felt in his bosom.

Tony could see it all, he could feel it, and it made his breath catch in his throat. He knew.

“I know,” Tony breathed, voice barely more than whisper. “I know you’re sorry.”

Tony only realized Steve had been holding his breath when he exhaled slowly, his shoulders dropping, a small amount of the pinched expression bleeding out.

“And I’m sorry too, by the way” Tony said, voice surprisingly steady. “I, uh, I’ve got a lot of regrets as well… guess none of us are completely innocent, right?” He gave a one-shouldered shrug and tried for a wry smile.

“I don’t expect you to forgive me, Tony, I can’t ask that of you,” Steve shook his head, eyes still so serious it made Tony uncomfortable.

“I know,” Tony said. “But if tomorrow goes south I at least want to go with a clear conscience. So I’m offering an olive branch.”

Steve was quiet for a bit, and Tony was nervous he might decline, but then he smiled, sadly, but it was real.

“Thank you, Tony. I don’t deserve your forgiveness but… thank you.”

Tony swallowed thickly, then nodded. “You’re, uh, you’re welcome, Cap… it feels kinda good to do the right thing,” he said, a sigh of relief slipping past his lips.

Steve snorted a laugh, a sound Tony had missed more than he cared to admit, but the smile that began tugging at the corners of his mouth was telling enough.

A peace had settled upon the comfortable silence of the kitchen. The air no longer felt so dense and suffocating, and Tony allowed himself to actually breathe for a few seconds, risking at glance at Steve. The tightness in his chest he had felt every time he looked at Steve for the last seven years had eased. He no longer felt angry or betrayed, he didn’t have the urge to scream, to cry. He just felt… calmness.

It was almost paradoxical how he felt this relaxed just mere hours before what could be the most dangerous journey of his entire life. The calm before the storm, he thought to himself and found that he no longer feared the storm.

“I think I’ll go to bed. Catch some Z’s before tomorrow,” Tony explained as he raised from his seat. Placing a hand on Steve’s shoulder he gave it a squeeze and smiled, genuinely and warmly. “I’m glad we had this talk, Steve. If one of us— I’d hate for us to end like that.” It didn’t even feel foreign to say us anymore. It just glided past his lips like had they never parted ways.

“Goodnight, Steve,” he said and left for his quarters, but before he had even exited the kitchen, Steve called out.

“Tony, wait!”

Tony turned back around with a curious look on his face.

“I, um… I just want to say a few things before you go.”

Tony nodded curiously, urging Steve to continue.

“I, uh, didn’t really sleep. After Siberia, I mean. Not so much after the snap either, but mostly it was because of what happened at the Hydra Facility. I spent a lot of time thinking, about you… about us. I always told myself that if I got the chance I would tell you how grateful for you I am. For always being so hospitable to me, even before I moved into the Tower. For making sure I was okay and for caring about the team more than you cared about yourself.

And, uh, for all those things I said when we first met… I know the scepter was messing with us, but I want to apologize for that, too. You’re a good man, Tony, and I’m sorry I dragged you back into this mess of a life. You deserve to live your life with your family and not have to worry about another alien invasion. You deserve to be happy. If something happens tomorrow… Just know I’ll do everything in my power to keep you and your family safe, even if I won’t live to see it. Whatever it takes.”

Steve was out of breath, heart racing, the sound of its pounding ringing in his ears. His eyes were desperate but soft, and Tony was left speechless yet another time that night. And goddammit, Tony thought, how did he do that? Tony was always ready with a comeback, a witty reply. But tonight, standing in front of Steve Rogers, whose eyes were older than Tony remembered but still just as sad, just as beautiful, whose smile was small and shy and just for Tony to see, whose voice was warm and addictive and sounded like home, Tony’s mouth went dry, and he had to bite the inside of mouth to make sure Steve’s speech had left him numb.

Steve must’ve thought Tony wouldn’t react, because he just flashed a thin-lipped smile and looked down at the kitchen counter like he expected Tony to leave for good this time.

But Tony was still standing like a dear in headlights in the middle of the quiet kitchen. Had Steve just admitted that he’d die for Tony if it came down to it? Tony thought that was what he meant, and it made him uncomfortable, made him want to cry.

“Don’t say that.”

“I mean it.”

“You shouldn’t…” Tony bit his lip and shook his head. He couldn’t get himself to finish that sentence.

“Shouldn’t what?”

“You know what I mean, Steve. I don’t want you to… to sacrifice yourself for me.”

“But I’m willing to. I want to-”

“Steve,” Tony breathed sharply, like his throat was restricting.

“Please, don’t take this away from me. This is what I was meant to do.”

“You were meant for more than this, you know. You were meant to be more than a soldier. You are more than a soldier, and I hate that no one told you this,” Tony said, honestly, because it was the truth. “You were meant for— for picket fences and slow dancing in the living room, even though you’re a horrible dancer. For baking apple pies and watching your grandchildren play in your backyard. For living.”

“I was never destined for a happy ending, Tony.”

Sharp daggers speared their way into Tony’s chest. He couldn’t take it anymore; couldn’t take any more sorrow, couldn’t take another look at Steve’s despairing face.

Steve’s life had had an awful lot of endings.

If anyone asked, which they probably wouldn’t as Tony and Steve were the only people there, Tony did it out of sympathy. He did it simply because he wanted the sadness gone, or at least to pause it for a second, even if it meant getting pushed off and punched in the face. But Steve did neither. Instead, he melted into the gentle touch of Tony’s lips on his.

Tony had kissed a lot of people in his life, but none of them kissed like Steve did. Steve was hesitant but generous, tender and compelling. Their lips were a perfect match, like fate had sculptured them for this exact purpose. When they drew back, Tony’s lips felt cold from the loss of contact, instantly feeling the urge to lean in again.

“What was that for?” Steve asked in a fragile voice, but Tony could hear the smile on his lips.

“For happy endings,” Tony murmured against Steve mouth, replying simply, like it was an obvious answer.

“Tony—”

“I never actually hated you,” Tony clarified. “I thought I did, and I really tried to, but I… I couldn’t. I was hurt… Fuck, it hurt so bad. But then I realized it’s just like they say; the ones you love hurt you the most.”

As soon as the words had left his mouth, Tony stilled. He hadn’t meant to say that, he didn’t even know he felt that, but it came so naturally, as easily as falling off a log.

“Pepper…” Steve mumbled guiltily, an unspoken question hanging precariously on his tongue.

“She knows. Somehow, she always knows. More often than not, she knows even before I do.”

“But you love her,” Steve stated without a hint of doubt.

“I do,” Tony confirmed confidently. “I always will. I love Pepper the way I love Rhodey. The same way you love Barnes.” It took him a second to decide if he should say love or loved, but ultimately he ended on the former, because love doesn’t cease to exist even when the person you love is gone. Tony had experience on that matter.

“Because she doesn’t take your bullshit; is brutally honest with you even when the truth hurts; takes care of you no matter how stupid you’ve been? Because she’ll always be there for you, and because, despite everything else, she feels like coming home? Yeah, that’s… that’s Bucky,” Steve smiled to himself, every memory of him and Bucky, the good and the bad, flashing before his eyes.

“I love her — she’s the mother of my child and the one person I know that’ll never leave me. But we were never really meant to be. We’re family, but… we both know our love is purely platonic. We want each other to be happy, even if it means being happy with someone else. Mutual agreement.”

Steve went quiet, processing what he’d just heard, as Tony trailed his index finger over Steve’s parted lips. They were pink and soft, a bit swollen and wet from the kiss, but undeniable. Irresistible.

Tony leaned in again, silently asking for consent that Steve authorized. It was deeper and longer than the first, leaving them both breathless as they pulled apart and rested their foreheads against each other’s.

“Why now?” Steve asked. “It’s too late for us.”

“If tomorrow really is the end of you and me, whatever that may be… I want you to have at least one happy ending in your life. If you want that, I mean.”

Steve laughed wetly and nodded. Their faces were so close, Tony could feel the air that passed Steve’s lips.

“If I want that,” Steve humored. “That might just be the understatement of the century… though, I think I’d prefer if it wasn’t an ending.”

Tony’s smile stretched from ear to ear, and so did Steve’s. It wasn’t that the sadness had left Steve. Tony didn’t think it ever fully would. But Steve’s smile was wide and accompanied by eyes sparkling with hope, and god was that not the most beautiful thing Tony had ever seen.

“It doesn’t have to be, Steve. Not as long we stand together tomorrow. Just like we promised we would a long time ago.”

“I broke that promise, Tony. You know I did.” Steve murmured.

Tony took both of Steve’s hands in his, intertwining their fingers. They fit together perfectly, and just like with their kiss, Tony got the feeling this was meant to be.

“And yet, somehow, we ended up here.” Tony stroked the back of Steve’s hand with his thumb. “We’re gonna get them back, Steve. All of them.”

“How can you sound so sure?”

“Because we’re together,” Tony said like had he never been more sure of anything in his entire life.

Steve sighed, but it was relieved and pleased, and against Tony’s mouth, he mumbled, “Maybe I was destined for a happy ending after all,” before closing the space between them once more.

#my fic #steve rogers #tony stark #steve/tony #kinda angsty #i guess?

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