#and I did not actually get COVID twice in two months

[explainslowly]

I understand the knee jerk impulse to say that the mystery virus going around is just COVID but I think we should not underestimate that other viruses also exist, it's cold outside, no one is fucking masking and a lot of people's immune systems are completely fucking tanked from COVID

which is to say that it's still about COVID even if it's not COVID

[cheriladycl01]

The Deeper Connection - Zhou Guanyu x ChildhoodBestfriend! Reader

Plot: You made friends with Zhou when he first came to the UK to pursue his driving career, and you were like two pee's in a pod. When he reaches F1 and life gets busy for the both of you he finds solitude in your childhood hideout.

A/N: I haven't been that active lately with finals coming up, however I'm still trying to post regularly!

You'd grown up in Sheffield all your life, you lived in a very nice home and came from a pretty well off family. With a dad in oversea real estate and your mum as a business owner and entrepreneur in the UK you wouldn't ever have to ask for anything twice.

The trouble was that you tried out so many hobbies and none of them really tended to stick.

Ballet when you were at three, didn't work with zero hand to eye coordination.

Horse-riding when you were five, didn't work after you got bored with how slowly you were being taught to ride.

Acting school when you were seven, didn't work when you were bullied for only being there because of mummy and daddies money. This completely made you loose your passion for it.

Swimming when you were eight, which you had to stop because of a medical condition with the cold water in the winters and your body temperature not mixing well.

Space camp when you were nine, didn't work because you were bored where you already knew everything they talked to you about because it was a special interest of yours.

Pottery when you were ten, whenever something broke you got really disappointed and sad with yourself and eventually it became something you only did every now and then to avoid burnout.

Gymnastics when you were eleven, didn't work after getting bored within the first weeks and it taking up too much time.

You were 12 when you met Zhou Guanyu, he moved into a house down your road in the gated woodland community of large and wealthy farm homes and mansions.

You guys became close almost straight away, you'd spend every night in the treehouse that his dad built him when they first moved in. But he wasn't always around, some weekends you'd knock on his door and no-one but the maid would answer explaining that the family weren't around.

She'd let you into the house, where you'd wait for him in either his bedroom or out in the treehouse. Sometimes he wouldn't come back until 10pm, and you'd be curled up on his beanbag in his room, asleep and his parents would have to call yours suggesting yet another sleepover.

After 3 years of knowing him, you found out where he'd been going and why he was home schooled just like you. He would kart, but now he'd got into Italian Formula 4 and he wouldn't be home as much.

You'd cried begging him not to go, Zhou really was your only friend and even though it had only been three years of friendship you'd attached yourself to him insanely quickly.

Not that he minded of course.

Your managed to go see one race with him, it was in Monza and he'd won it all. And that weekend he asked you to be his girlfriend. You of course said yes, as a two giddy sixteen year olds and went on from there.

The distance got easier when he was in the European Formula 3 championship in 2016. You being 17 weren't actually allowed to make your own choices yet, but the minute you turned 18, 5 months after Zhou, you were following him around to each race.

At this stage taking a gap year before you were due to go to university was better for you, and Zhou. In 2018, he got the news he'd be going to Formula 2 for the 2019 and you'd been accepted to Oxford.

For that first year you made it work. You visited him at races when you had breaks from university and he would come stay with you in your small uni accommodation in the off season or when he had longer breaks into between races.

But when 2020 rolled around, and you were forced to be separated by the growth of COVID-19 your relationship fizzled out. You pushed and pushed trying to keep the sparks there but one day, Zhou phoned you explaining that he couldn't do it anymore.

You'd cried so much that day, and you'd never felt more alone. The only place you thought to go that was safe was the tree house, you could get there through the side gate and you knew Zhou's parents were in China on business only leaving the maid there.

So that's what you did, you laid there curled up in a blanket Zhou brought you, crying until it got darked and you started to scare yourself looking into the dark woods.

When you were younger and you thought you heard or saw something in the woods, Zhou would hold you close explaining to you it was just your imagination and you'd immediately feel a sense of calm wash over you.

You left the treehouse that night getting on the last train you could think off back to Oxford.

Zhou continued in F2 in 2021, but got progressively more busy when competing in a small stint of the Winter F3 Asian Championship, of course you kept up to date with him.

You loved the boy and you didn't ever think you'd stop.

When the announcement of his promotion into F1 happened you cried happy and sad tears. Happy he'd achieved his dream, but ultimately sad he was in the big leagues now and he would definitely have no time for you.

He had a phenomenal first year and you watched every single race, even getting up at absurd hours to watch him. You cheered him on all the time and would get anxious whenever you had to stop or DNF.

Silverstone with the Russell incident was the worst. You parents had to hold you tightly as you cried seeing just how bad the crash was. Seeing George run over to his flipped over car that he couldn't get out of and a red flag being called.

You ran out the house going straight to the treehouse. His parents watched as the 22 year old climbed up the old rickety ladder, bag in hand and red bloodshot eyes.

They knew you'd seen his crash and you wanted some space.

What did shock them was the fact that you consistently came back every night for a few weeks.

It was a warmer night and you still had your blanket but there wasn't a need for a hoodie when you first came out. You were just laying there on the wooden planks looking out of the little skylight in the breaking wooden roof at the stars.

"Hey" a voice says softly making you turn to the ladder.

"Zhou?!" you explain sitting up quickly looking at him. Not that you hadn't seen him on Instagram or in his post race interviews but he'd grown into his face. He was as handsome as ever.

"Mmmmm" he sighs, almost in a grunt sort of way. He comes next to you and lays down, not coming to close scared that you'll leave if he pushes to close.

"Your star is up there tonight" he says raising his hand and pointing to the brightest star between the tree line. He'd named it your star when you'd spend the first night out here.

"How's it been, travelling round the world?" you ask softly turning to look at him, laying on your side. He turns onto his as well to also look at you.

"Lonely" he whispers with a sigh, pushing some of you hair behind your ear making you hold you breath as his fingers brush along the side of you face and down to your lips before recoiling his hand back.

"But your so busy and round people all the time!" you argue confused as to why he would ever feel lonely.

"I think sometimes even though I'm surrounded by people, they aren't people that get me... you know?" he asks turning onto his back, looking up at the sky.

"I think i feel the opposite" you laugh.

"What do you mean?" he asks, his gaze not wavering from the sky.

"I feel like i have absolutely no-one around me, but everyone i do bump into can see right through me" you sigh, having struggled at work recently as a graduate and new employee, working from home.

"Seems like we both are out of our comfort zones then" he offers with a sigh.

"Mmmmm i did have my comfort zone at one point" you say, it came out pointedly which you didn't intend.

"Yeah?" he asks, looking over at you again.

"Yeah it was you. I don't think I've ever experienced a connection like I have... had with you" you sigh.

"Had, you don't feel that way anymore?" he asks with a sad frown, that makes a frown of you own appear.

"You broke up with me in one of the loneliest periods in my life, It's always just been you Zhou, I've never had anyone else and then you were just gone ... I- you broke me and took a part with you" you sniffle, not sure how else to describe the heartbreak you were feeling.

Some people had their heart broken, where it would splinter all over and someone would come along and patch it back up until it healed.

Some people had their heart broken, where it would completely shatter and all the pieces are spread out and someone has to come along and pick up all of those pieces and puzzle them back together.

Some people have their heart broken, where it again completely shatters but the culprit takes a piece of that heart with them so that if theirs a time when someone else does come around and fix it it's never fully fixed, beating but never full.

And Zhou had that piece of your heart and no-one had put back the remaining parts of your heart, you'd gradually started to do it yourself but it was proving to be a long process.

"I-" he starts but chokes on his words.

"I think, I'll always love you Zhou Guanyu..." you whisper sitting up, your hair loosely falling over your shoulder.

"I know I'll always love you. And I want to take back everything I did! I need you in my life!" he says looking over you, making you look down.

"You cant take it back Zhou..." you start before looking up seeing his teary expression. "But i think we could start again. I don't want my heart back, it's yours to take... all of it forever. Your only going to be it!" you smile, knowing this was your chance to have him back.

He was your soulmate you were sure of it.

He leans up and pulls you into a kiss.

"I promise from here on out, I'll never leave you again again!"

Taglist:

@littlesatanicassholebitch @hockey-racing-fubol @laura-naruto-fan1998 @22yuki @simxican @sinofwriting @lewisroscoelove @cmleitora @stupidandunnecessary @clayra-g @daemyratwst @honey-belden @moonypixel @lauralarsen @vader-is-hot @ironcowboycopnickel @itsjustkhaos @the-untamed-soul @beebo86 @happylittlereader @ziejustme @lou-larcher5 @thewulf @purplephantomwolf @chasing-liberosis @chillyleclerc @chanthereader @annoyingmoonballoon @summissss @evieepepi08 @havaneseoger08 @celesteblack08 @gulphulp @fandom1ruined2me @celebstories @starfusionsworld @jspitwall @sierruhh @georgeparisole @dakotatankbig @youcannotcancelquidditch @zzonsbeek @tallbrownhairsarcastic @mellowarcadefun @ourteenagetragedy @otako5811 @countingstacksandpanicattacks @peachiicherries @formulas-bitch @cherry-piee @hopexcroc @mirrorball-6 @spilled-coffee-cup @mehrmonga @bigsimperika @blueberry64857959 @eiraethh @lilypadlover @curseofhecate @alliwantisadonut @the-fem1n1ne-urge @21stcenturytaegi @dark-night-sky-99 @spideybv28 @i-wish-this-was-me @tallrock35 @butterfly-lover @barnestatic @landossainz @darleneslane @barcelonaloverf1life @r0nnsblog @ilove-tswizzle @kapsylia @laneyspaulding19 @lazybot @malynn @cassielikereading @viennakarma @teamnovalak @landosgirlxoxo @marie0v @jlb20416 @yourbane @teamnovalak @nikfigueiredo @fionaschicken @0picels0 @seomako @urdad-hot @formula1mount @tinydeskwriter @butterfly-lover @ironmaiden1313 @splaterparty0-0 @formula1mount @styl1shl1v

[heylittleriotact]

I completed mortuary school and worked in a funeral home between 2018-2022 and ultimately left the profession because Covid burned me the fuck out and there just aren’t the appropriate supports in place for funeral workers tbh. It’s a profession that’s 20 years behind where it needs to be in a lot of ways.

Anyway, after months of anxiety attacks, insomnia, socially withdrawing from friends and family, and spending what little free time i had basically staring at a wall while drinking and chain-smoking, I decided I’d had enough after I was interrogated on a daily basis over the phone and told I can’t possibly be too sick to come back to work when i had Covid (after having called in sick twice in the entire 4 years I’d worked there).

It seemed questionable to expect me to return to work with Covid when it was very much still a day-to-day concern (and I was sick as shit to boot): I didn’t want to be responsible for bumping off an 80 year old widow who’d come in to make arrangements for her husband and caught Covid because of me.

It was the last fucking straw: I knew going into it that this profession was one of service and that I would be sacrificing holidays and weekends and time with my friends and family. I knew I wasn’t going to make $150k/year. I knew it was thankless, misunderstood work, but it was vital. But over those four years I watched decent, well-meaning, hard working people get bullied and humiliated out of their jobs because they didn’t fit in with the “right” people at the firm. I watched amazing professionals with decades of experience quit en masse because of the patronizing, condescending, unscrupulous way that ownership treated them. I watched standards that were incredibly high when I started, plummet to the point where I was pushing back on ownership about the ethics of selling flawed product to grieving families knowing full well that it was of poor quality. I went to school for this. I gave up weekends and holidays and important family milestones for this.

I wanted to help people, but I couldn’t continue setting myself on fire to do it.

So I said fuck it and tossed a hastily drafted resume and cover letter to a law firm whose posting I saw online while I was still at home, sick as hell. I didn’t actually think they’d call me back - it just felt like by submitting the application I’d made some sort of step in the direction of getting the fuck out of dodge like so many other colleagues had.

But then they actually did. And I had two interviews, and they hired me as a receptionist, because to be honest after working at an unhinged funeral home DURING a global pandemic, I needed a fucking ✨nothing✨ job where I just had to show up every day, look cute, answer phones, and show rich lawyers how to work the Keurig machine from time to time. It was the perfect job for me to get over the burn-out. Even stressful shit was not really stressful when compared to what I’ve already dealt with (my mantra around the office has become: “Okay but has anyone died?” Seriously. I get that your brief is due in 2 hours and all the tabs are fucked, but has an attendant just called you to tell you that they accidentally showed the WRONG dead person to a grieving family and now they’re traumatized?)

ANYWAY. A very nice partner who recently left the firm because he was appointed a Provincial Court Judge, remarked to another partner prior to his departure that maybe they should ask if I had any interest in going down the legal assistant -> paralegal pipeline, because I seemed smart, and uh… overqualified for my current role.

So anyway, that’s what my new year looks like. It took an entire two years to get my feet back under me and start feeling like a person again after I burned out: I started writing again this year. Started dance lessons again this year. Actively pursued life again this year because I had the energy to do it. I’m ready for a new challenge.

I miss funerals a fucking lot. If you follow me here that’s probably obvious by how much I go off about death and nerd out over Emmrich. I truly believe it was my calling, and just based on the way the timing and the way the cards fell, it didn’t work out for me. I’ll always be a bit sad about that, but I’m so, so excited for where I’m going next. It was officially announced to the team today, so I guess it feels real now?

Phew.

I’m going to fucking nail it, I think.

[void-of-unparalled-chaos]

Twice now I have tried to make a reblog reply about Walter and twice now Tumblr has eaten it. So let's try it this way @chaos-bringer-13

Allow me to take you back to the ✨QUARANTINE DAYS✨ and tell you the tale of a pumpkin that may or may not have housed a god

So back in good old 2020/21 we are in the thrall of the COVID-19 pandemic. My state in particular had super heavy quarantine restrictions, and as someone with lung issues, my mom and myself were not taking any chances. I haven't left my house in maybe 5 months. Nor have I seen any of my friends outside of video calls. Senior year of High School so far has sucked.

I'm talking to my friend, we'll call her Marie, and I mention off hand "Yeah I'm starting to feel a bit lonely." Now Marie has known me for a solid 8 years at this point. She knows my type of humor and attachment to what we would now and days call "skrungly" objects. She decides "hmm. I can fix this!"

Marie's mom (who was... certainly a human being) for some god forsaken reason decided to buy a white pumpkin and give it to Marie with the idea that she would harvest the seeds from it and plant them in the garden (why she did this instead of just buying pumpkin seeds I will never know). Instead of doing this, Marie takes this pumpkin and draws a realistic face on it that can only be described as similar to the handsome squidward meme. She drives to my house, sets the pumpkin on my doorstep with a note, and then FUCKING BOOKS IT.

I open the door to see this pumpkin with a note that reads "Hello Momther, I am Walter."

(Not the best photo but this is in fact Walter sitting in the dark in my front yard while Marie (not pictured) stands on my driveway holding a single candle and chanting).

Anyway immediately I take him inside completely smitten and unknowing as to what this pumpkin will create.

At this point of quarantine, we have gone back to classes but they are completely online. I decide that the best thing I could possibly do with Walter is set him on a stack of notebooks behind me so that when I turn my camera on he would be there... watching. Notably, one guy who never unmuted himself did so just long enough to ask "Void... what the fuck is that."

Needless to say I got endless entertainment from the reactions, but all good things have to come to an end. Unfortunately, I live in a desert and pumpkins simply don't survive. They typically would rot within a few days where I was living at the time, so my Mom told me to move it outside at least. I decide to put him by the front door. This front door has a little half wall that leads up to it. I put him on top of it facing the walkway so whenever a package is delivered the mailman would be faced with Walter and have to make eye contact before leaving the mail. I figure I'll probably get a couple more days out of him before he rots.

This is where it starts to get weird

Another week passes. Two. Unlike every single pumpkin I've ever had for Halloween, Walter shows no signs of rotting despite being exposed to the elements. The pumpkin is at this point about a month and a half old and still perfectly fine. Marie, our friends, and I all kind of laugh it off as a random one time thing and expect it to rot within another week.

IT. FUCKING. DOESN'T.

4 months into having Walter and he is still as good as new. Around this time the vaccines for covid started rolling out, so my friends and I get to see each other again. They are just as baffled as me about Walter. Of course, us being us, we have been referring to Walter like an actual person this whole time because that's just our humor. We give him little head pats and forehead rubs as we enter or leave my house and say hello/goodbye to him.

Also around this time, my mom and myself are beginning to prep for moving to another state. We have also started doing some in person classes again. I had been cleaning out my room one morning, and just so happened to leave a piece of sea glass in front of Walter as I left for school. I had a strangely good day. Managed to get an A on a test if I remember right. I come home, see the glass in front of the pumpkin, and start thinking. The next day I leave him something else. Another good luck day! I try this again and every single time I leave him an offering something good happens! I tell my friends about it and they start doing it too and experiencing the same results. We decide that he must be some god of luck inhabiting this pumpkin vessel and rewinding time on it to keep it from rotting.

At some point someone gave him an orange and I swear to god the pumpkin started getting orange marks on its forehead. He still wasn't rotting though! We decided that he obviously has been absorbing the power from the offerings.

Around this time I realise the I have somehow created a partially serious cult and decide I might as well lean into it. I actually enlisted the help of the neighbor kids to take this photo.

Time passes. Walter is about 10 months old now and still going strong. We have graduated highschool and I'm going to be moving in a week. I can't take Walter with me, so Marie decides she will take him. But first, she is going to help us move. It's a 6 hour drive. We put Walter in the passenger seat window so that all the cars passing us can see him.

After she helps us, Marie and Walter continue on to yet another state where Marie will be attending university. Walter is almost if not a year old when he finally starts to rot. Marie, in her dorm room mind you, makes a plaster cast of his head and redraws his face on it. To this day Walter hangs in his new, more durable vessel, guarding her spice cabinet.

By the end of Walter's reign, he had reached his 1st birthday, scared who knows how many mailmen, met 3 of my teachers in person, visited 3 USA states, and briefly had an instagram account.

[anueutsuho]

Completely out of season, but since it's on my mind: Every SiivaGunner April Fool's Day Special ranked from worst to best:

2022: Logan Paul's birthday: I think you can guess why this one was my least favorite. NEXT!

2019: Blue Balls Day: I mean, it was alright. I don't HATE it, it's just that almost every other April Fool’s Day was better.

2017: SiivaGunner and GilvaSunner swap upload rates: I put this one a tad below the other one just because it makes no sense unless you know how both Siiva and GiLva rolled. But I love the idea. They should rip more entire soundtracks at once.

2016: SiivaGunner and GilvaSunner swap upload styles: this was actually the day I got into Siivagunner. How painful was it that GiivaSunner was terminated only 3 days later! I actually thought that was the end until a month later! Anyway, this was the best thing they could have done for an April Fool’s Day: uploading an unedited soundtrack and claiming it was a remix.

2018: Inspector Gadget Takeover #2: Oh! Minecrap! Do you know what my favorite thing to do is, in Minecrap? I love to build brown bricks in Minecrap! But seriously, unpopular opinion but I never got tired of Inspector Gadget. And I loved the second takeover even more due to the AVGN theme and the like being featured too. Gadget's Gay Maze 2 was my favorite track from this one.

2020: Rips of April Fool's Games: this was a nice little April Fool’s Day, especially in the middle of Covid. Fake game rips are always funny. And them mocking Cloud getting two whole songs in Smash Bros was hilarious. And it helped to introduce me to Homestar Runner with the Subscription Plus joke, so that's always a plus.

2024: Algorithm Slop Day: Siiva opinions that make you go like this: This was a nice bit of satire of the current state of Youtube. I am docking points for reminding me how overpresent Skibidi Toilet is, though. But some great rips from this period include: calling out Scoose Me, One-Winged Angel using MODERN memes (I completely forgot Stick Bug was a meme), GIMME 20 DOLLARS, that one rip with the overly long story description that ends with the guy shilling his life coaching services, and a few uploads that led to a fake Patreon.

2021: Mario Dies Day: the Mario Wiki made the exact same joke and I'm still unsure who did it better. Either way, a lot of thought and effort was put into this one. They went as far as to private ALMOST EVERY RIP with Mario's name it it. I especially loved the custom art for Super M̸̌̊a̴͛̿█̸͌̑i̵̛͊█̷̾̓ Sunshine, it really looked official. And the best part was it ending with a Your Best Nightmare and Finale pair of rips.

2023: Lore & Announcements (Beta Mix): I dunno if this is an unpopular opinion but I just loved seeing announcement videos of varying seriousness being ripped and parodied. I loved that "a movie based on your defeat" was ripped. Apology (Beta Mix) crossed the line twice. And I never read the SCP that it was referencing, but the end of the event where The Voice was arrested for "crimes against anime" was hilarious.

[fizzy-blood]

do you have any Nina hcs? I love her :3

AHHH NINA!! so real for liking her (I'm a sucker for the yandere trope and scene queens)

✮ Nina the Killer🔪💜headcanons ✮

[Sfw] these are general and platonic so if u want romantic or sexual (don't know if I have any for her tho) headcanons then feel free to ask!!

General!!

So, it's widely agreed throughout the fandom that she's a scene queen and honestly? You go girly!!

Definitely stands out a bit because of it but I doubt she cares

Apparently she was originally gonna be obsessed with EJ instead of Jeff (real tbh) but in my au she only considered that idea for a short amount of time, didn't really appeal to her enough to cause in obsession

Speaking of her obsession! Her infatuation w Jeff has died down a bit! Don't get me wrong, she still likes him and all but she's much more calm about it (she suspects he might be gay sooo)

On an unrelated note- she's probably one of the only creeps who actually takes any care of herself?

Like, a good chunk of the people in the mansion shower once a month (and sometimes that just means bathing in the nearby lake).

But no. She'll randomly break into people's houses or befriend random people she was going to kill so she can use their shower or bath!

Also, if she's out here befriending her victims then she's probably got much better social skills then most ppl in the mansion.

As a result of this, she's normally the first person people talk to when they join the group.

✧∘˙Room headcanons time!!˙∘✧ (I love wondering what she'd use to decorate so I had to add this).

90% sure that she'll just randomly loot her victims of any change or cash they had on them and put on a mask (like the ones from covid) and just walk into random shops she likes-

Idk why, just seems like smt she'd do?

Anywayssss

She's probably got a large collection of plushies and toys (she's got a hoard of Domo plushies and you can't tell me otherwise, also hello kitty)

Probably owns one or two of those super soft Invader Zim blankets you can get at Spencers

STRING LIGHTS STRING LIGHTS STRING LIGHTS STRING LI-

Back to general headcanons!!

She probably has a couple different weapons (including her og knife) that she'll rotate between. Also one time just brought back a whole ass chainsaw?

Like, came back with a chainsaw that was in a shed she was hiding in and put it in her room?

She's only used it once or twice but still has it just in case someone new enters the mansion and doesn't have a weapon (she just gives people random shit she has so I felt that would be fitting)

Platonic headcanons

As I said earlier, she's probably the first person you would have talked to once you got to the mansion so befriending her would be super easy compared to the others!

Would probably try to host a girls night with you and the others (if ur not a girl ur still getting invited. Dw, u probably wouldn't be the only guy)

Sleepovers too!

She's also probably the only person that you could go to for romantic advice (as mentioned in my EJ x Zombie!reader thing)

If you liked Jeff she might be a bit salty around you for a bit though- but if he doesn't like you back then you'd probably just talk about him w her

If he did like you back? Then you might wanna sleep w one eye open for the rest of your time at the mansion...

Anyways.. If it was someone else she'd probably try to talk w them more often to see if she could get you two together (also would stalk them for you if you wanted, would even give you tips for how to get away with that yourself)

The point is that shes the only one who won't judge you when you come for romantic advice.. Trust!

＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚ 𝐴𝑁𝐷 𝑊𝐸𝑅𝐸 𝐷𝑂𝑁𝐸!! (𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑛𝑜𝑤)!!˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊

That was kind of a long one but I've got a lot of headcanons about her, I left out some of them cuz some of them are super common soooo yk-

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed it!! -Fizz

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Wibta for asking a long distance friend if she even wants to be friends anymore?

My friend and I have been friends since uni and lived together for two of those years. Since uni finished over a decade ago, we both moved back to our hometowns but stayed in touch via our phones and, what used to be, annual meet ups.

The first summer after uni, she came down to stay with me for five days. But for the next few years, I travelled to visit her for five days each year (including travel days) because I was earning more and had a more stable job, so it was easier for me to take longer off (to accommodate the travel days and pay for actually travelling).

In 2018, I didn't have a lot of leave left, so I asked her to come visit me and comprised that I would pay for her travel costs.

In 2019, I suggested that we go on holiday together, promising to make it a cheap one. (It came to £300 including flights, accommodation, food, and spending money. I know because I paid for it all and she paid me back.)

Then, we had plans to go away in 2020 and I would pay for flights and hotel because it was her 30th. Obviously, covid scrapped our plans until 2022, but we did get away.

None of this is a problem. I don't mind paying for things and having her pay me back (or not, if I've offered it as a gift). I don't mind making things a lower budget, like just me going to hers or her coming to mine. I think always have a great time together.

But I feel like now, it's very hard to get her to meet up with me at all and it's really hurting my feelings. A couple of times when restrictions eased in the UK, I suggested that I could come up to see her, but she said that there's not a bed in the spare room anymore (I have an airbed, I could bring).

I asked her last year, when I was going through a pretty depressive spell, if I could come up and see her, but she said that the only time I could come was during a three day period when her parents were away, which was the only time she'd have a free bed. I asked if her parents were only away for three days and she said yes.

(I thought this to be odd because they don't usually go away for such a short time, and she later admitted, likely because she forgot I asked, that her parents were away for a week.)

I said that I couldn't travel 7 hours on the Monday to travel 7 hours back on the Wednesday because that wouldn't really be a break.

I recently asked if she would come down for a week in about six months time and she said she would have to see closer to the time.

Also, just for reference, work is no longer a concern for her because she's on disability benefits, so it's not like she can't get the time off work. She doesn't have kids or any dependents.

And, I would understand if her mobility prevented her from travelling, but she's gone to stay in a caravan with her other friends recently. She's going to stay in a cottage holiday with family next month. And, I could always come to her, if she would just let me.

And, as for money, I would again pay for her travel costs, because I know money is tight for her. And I've always paid for my own food at hers, so it's not like she would have to pay more for for if I was there.

In addition, and my reason for being so upset tonight, we are supposed to have a weekly night where we watch TV together and text about it. But there have been multiple occasions where she has cancelled last minute and it hasn't been an emergency. (Think... My aunt is coming round, I have to go drop a birthday present off). She did it twice this weekend... Once, moving it to Sunday and then cancelling on Sunday about 40 minutes before we were supposed to start.

Last minute cancellations really bother me because it's really disrespectful of my time. Yes, this weekend I didn't have anything on but that's because I have it in my calandar and plan my other events around it.

But I feel like I might be the ah (at least because of the meeting up thing) because I have the privilege of being able-bodied and well-off, so travelling isn't a big deal to me.

It just feels like she doesn't care as much about maintaining the friendship and I'm bending over backwards to make accommodations.

What are these acronyms?

[gamebird]

I had cancer surgery three years ago. I have regular check-ups watching for it to return. Last one was two days ago. In it, doctor asks if I have problems with hot flashes. I say no. He looks confused. I tell him I have problems with brain fog and concentration, sometimes focus and motivation. I remind him I've brought this up for the last 3-4 appointments, they've told me to go to a sexual health expert (even though it's not primarily sexual; although I have become basically asexual); they've told me to talk to my general practitioner about it (which I did and they did a full blood workup and said they had no idea).

He brushes this off and says there's a new medication that might help me. I ask, 'With the brain fog?' He says it's mainly for hot flashes but yeah, maybe, who knows? He hurries on about how he's going to give me 6 weeks of samples and I can find out if it helps. And I'm like, 'Okay, I guess ...?' There's a little more back and forth where he tries to reassure me that 60% of his patients have been helped by this stuff even though it's very new and there's not extensive history and I eventually concede that yeah, sure, give me the free stuff and I'll look at it.

I take the free stuff. There's a little towel and a pill caddy in the 'Welcome to X medication!' intro box. There's a whole themed intro box for these pills.

At home, I do some research. It's for hot flashes. It has no other listed purpose. The side effects and risks seem tolerable. The kicker is that it retails for $750 a month with a discounted rate of $550. I laugh - it's about what I expected.

But now that I understand what their deal is, I go ahead and try it.

So that's two days ago, right? I've taken this pill twice. I have not had brain fog for the last two days, although I have had disrupted sleep and 1 loose stool. I understand data. This is way too small a sample given the 'comes and goes' brain fog thing. It means nothing at this point.

The nurse from the doctor's office calls me (TWO DAYS!) saying she'd called my pharmacy and the Indian Health system didn't cover the pills so let's get me set up with a different pharmacy so I can get them there. And I'm like, 'I'm not paying for this stuff. I told the doctor up front - I don't have a problem with hot flashes. It's over $500 a MONTH. I'll take the free ones - and by the way your package had four weeks of pills in it, not six - but I'm not paying for this.'

She tried to talk me into it. Honest she did: 'aren't they helping you? Do you feel any effects? Don't you want to stay on it? We could set you up for them just in case.'

I laughed and told her, "I wish you showed this level of enthusiasm addressing my actual problem." (or, you know, addressing my cancer)

And she was, 'what problem is that?' with this sinking tone in her voice, like I'd told her I'd kicked her puppy.

I explained the brain fog. AGAIN. (To be fair, I don't know that she was the nurse in the room with the doctor or had any knowledge of my case other than a file.) So I also explained I'd been bringing this up for two years, had referrals about it, was keeping daily records at home trying to get to the bottom of it, was annoying my friends about it, had moved up my retirement schedule because of it, was trying decongestants and mushroom gummies for goodness sakes trying to find a solution. Maybe it's long COVID. I don't know and that's why I keep asking the medical professionals every time I'm in front of them. Or on the phone with them. Like her.

Yeah, no, the hot flash pills are a nice idea but my brain is not so far gone that I'm going to pay $500 a month for that 'nice'. Anyway, she said she'd look into routes where I could get it cheaper and rang off.

I still wish they'd show that level of tenacity and enthusiasm fixing my real problems.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello mbti-notes! I'm 25 & INFJ. I currently feel directionless, lost and stagnant. Due to this I've isolated myself for a long time up until recently when I realized it's making me more anxious. I've been trying not to isolate myself by taking daily walks, practicing mindfulness, interacting a little with people, learning soft skills and learning from your blog.

Many setbacks have occurred in the past few years. I feel after covid I've just had hardship after hardship without break. I've lost my drive and goals. So I started I've started rethinking my goals. I always knew that I wanted to do a career involving history, travel and in service to others so I worked towards that. In my final year of uni my friend suggested going into teaching because I could do history + teach abroad. I thought it was a good idea. I've taught for one year in my own country.

Since I've entered the teaching field I've had a very difficult time and experienced burnout in no time. I don't feel supported or guidance to overcome challenges that I have. I'm lacking strong classroom management in a class of 40 students (public schools). Senior teachers have told me that I should consider switching to kindergarten or that I would be viewed as incompetent and lose my job. I was also told I'm going to struggle in this field because I struggle to socialize with colleagues. I'm very introverted and lack social skills due to being socially isolated during my middle childhood to teenage years. I'm working on this and try to socialize with colleagues.

It feels discouraging to constantly be criticized. I was told twice by two teachers I worked with closely I work diligently and they'd love to work with me again. First teachers usually struggle with classroom management the difference is how slow or fast one gets a grip on it. For some it's months, just a year or many years. I'm not given the time or space to practice my classroom management. During my entire first year I believed myself to be incompetent because of the comments from experienced, high rank teachers. Which caused me stress and unhealthy perfectionism because I internalized those comments due to my low self worth & external validation. I'm working on changing this belief and learning about myself. I know I can do it with experience, guidance and support. I believe that I'm capable of doing any job or career if I have proper guidance or mentoring.

Unfortunately, only teachers with good classroom management are employed. Unless a school is interested in taking on new teachers and mentoring them which isn't frequent. So far I haven't been able to find stability in this career either. I've just gotten accepted for contract posts which are only for a few months. I'm currently taking a break from being a school teacher and I've started volunteering work by tutoring children. I'm at crossroads with what to choose. Especially because I'm doubting whether I'm suitable to be a teacher considering my classroom management which is very important. I'm considering exploring other jobs than teaching or continuing in that field but as a tutor, online teaching or private schools (20 in a class and my classroom management is good with 20). My question is how do I know if I'm on the right path? How do I find healthy direction? Thank you for your time.

---------------------

1) Trying to learn on the job can be very challenging because of the greater sense of responsibility and the pressure it generates to succeed quickly.

To my ears, the amount of help you need actually sounds a bit unreasonable. There is one point about your situation that is unclear. Did you get a teaching degree that included a proper internship or practicum? (If you entered into a position without the right qualifications or training, then you shouldn't be surprised about struggling.) It's not the job of the employer or your colleagues to educate you once you've already graduated from school, though they may choose to be supportive as part of their mission or as resources allow. Technically speaking, the training should've already happened in your practicum, so it is assumed you already have enough classroom experience to get a grip on things quickly on your own.

If you haven't had enough practical classroom training, it might benefit you to spend time working as a teaching assistant in order to learn from experienced teachers in a more appropriate way, rather than expecting your colleagues to add teaching you to their already full plates of teaching 40 students.

Factors such as student demographics and school funding also influence the workplace environment for teachers, so it might be a good idea to try out many different schools to ensure that the problem doesn't lie solely with you. It could be that the workplace culture in specific schools isn't a good fit for you. It's not something to cast blame about but to accept; simply move on and look for a better fit.

There are many different forms of teaching, so just because you can't manage a class of 40+ doesn't mean you have to give up teaching entirely. Yes, private schools and sometimes schools in more rural areas generally have smaller classes. Also, there are companies that provide after school tutoring programs, so you could actually work as a tutor if one-on-one teaching appeals to you. Private tutoring can be lucrative if you produce good results and the right parents spread the word about your services.

2) The idea of "the right path" is somewhat misleading because it doesn't exist in any absolute sense. And believing there is only one right path for you isn't the healthiest mindset because it makes you less open to possibility and then less adaptable to change. That said, there are some very general indicators you can use to determine whether life is going well, for example:

- Emotional Well-Being: Do you generally feel good? When life is going well, your mood should be relatively stable, your attitude positive, and your outlook optimistic. Remember, pain is a warning that something is wrong. Similar to problems with physical health, if there are any aspects of your life that produce pain and suffering for you, it's better to address them sooner rather than later.

- Healthy Self-Esteem: Are you proud of who you are? Healthy pride comes from things like: taking responsibility for yourself and what you put out; making wise judgments and decisions; speaking constructively; working productively; nurturing and appreciating individuality; building good moral character. It's important to pay attention to feelings of guilt, shame, inadequacy, or self-loathing because they shine a light on opportunities for personal growth.

- Being of Value: Do you feel that you matter? To "matter" basically means your existence is better than your nonexistence. To feel as though you matter in the world, you need to offer something of value and also have your offerings valued by others. If you feel as though you have little or nothing of value to offer, then you might have an underlying issue of low self-worth to address. If you feel as though others don't value you, then you need to examine what is causing the problematic disconnect in your interpersonal life.

- Sense of Purpose: Do you have good reasons to get up every morning? People with a strong sense of purpose generally: strive to use their time and energy in meaningful ways; undertake work that produces tangible benefits; look for opportunities to make a positive contribution; make a commitment to higher goals and ideals. Feeling unmotivated, stuck, lost or adrift often points to lack of purpose in life. Purpose doesn't magically appear. You have to make purposeful choices in accordance with the value you see in yourself and want to express out into the world.

It's not my place to tell people how to make life decisions. You have to reflect on whether this is the career you want and then explore your options and find the position of best fit. This difficulty you are facing in your career could mean any number of things. It could be the challenge you need to learn the skills that you've neglected up until now. It could be a wake up call for realizing that a change of direction is necessary. To be a healthy INFJ means being able to use Ni to connect with the whole truth of the matter. Who else can tell you what is right for you? You have to reflect on it with as much self-honesty as you can muster.

[dreaminginthedeepsouth]

TAYLOR DERANGEMENT SYNDROME TAKES OVER INADEQUATES, INC.

TCINLA

JAN 31, 2024

The Bulwark’s entertainment editor, Sonny Bunch, gets it right about this week’s MAGA brainfart over Taylor Swift:

“Of all the dumb things the nascent nouveau right has tried over the years, attempting to turn conservatives against the NFL is by far the dumbest.

“It’s a sort of brainwashing, like you see in 1984 or Scientology. Get people to say the dumbest shit imaginable (“Two hot celebrities dating is a psyop culm,inating in the Illuminati fixing the Super Bowl so you’ll have to get vaccinated!”) and they’ll believe anything.”

Singer-songwriter Taylor Swift hasn’t even endorsed President Joe Biden for reelection yet. That hasn’t stopped upper crust members of MAGAworld Inadequates Inc. from declaring a “holy war” on the pop mega-star, especially if she ends up publicly backing the Democrats in the 2024 election.

According to three people familiar with the matter, Trump loyalists working on or close to the former president’s campaign, longtime Trump allies in right-wing media, and an array of outside advisers to the ex-president have long taken it as a given that Swift will eventually endorse Biden, as she did in 2020. Indeed, several of these Republicans and conservative media figures have discussed the matter with Trump over the past few months. In recent weeks, the Inadequate-in-Chief has told people that no amount of A-list celebrity endorsements will save Biden. Trump has also privately claimed that he is “more popular” than Swift is and that he has more committed fans than she does. Last month, he said that it “obviously” made no sense that he was not named Time magazine’s 2023 Person of the Year,an honor that went to none other than Swift.

The state of affairs among MAGA Inadequates Inc. is truly remarkable. A subset of America actually purports to boycott Disney, the world's preeminent entertainment company; Bud Light, once America's most popular beer; Target, the quintessential brick-and-mortar shopping destination; Pfizer, the pharmaceutical company that produced life-saving Covid-19 vaccines; Major League Baseball, the nation's favorite pastime; and now Taylor Swift, a generational icon who is one of the most successful musical artists of all time.

It’s incredibly idiotic, but the online right-wing worldview ALWAYS chooses bizarre conspiracies as their default setting for any event that captures the public interest. As Jonah Goldberg put it at The Dispatch, “Now they declare war on the National Football League and Taylor Swift - what’s next, sunny days and hotdogs?”

World’s Dumbest Mick and Proof the English Were Right, Sean “Hammerhead” Hannity, running to not be late to the party, has concluded Taylor Swift was lied to and misled by the left, saying, “Maybe she just bought into all the lies about conservatives and Republicans, that they’re racist and sexist and homophobic, and xenophobic and transphobic and Islamophobic, that Republicans and conservatives want dirty air and water and a total ban on all abortion with no exceptions. If she believes all that, she is believing a lie because those talking points are simply untrue. Now, I’m just saying maybe she wants to think twice before making a decision About 2024.”

(Mmmm, Sean baby, I hate - no, I don’t, I love it! - being the guy to tell you that it’s you who have been misinformed. All you and the rest of the seething Inadequates ARE INDEED “racist and sexist and homophobic, and xenophobic, and transphobic, and Islamophobic, and want dirty air and water, and a total ban on all abortion with no exceptions.” IT’S YOU baby!!)

Every last one of the Inadequates - from The Inadequate-in-Chief, to Best-Dressed Turd Steve Bannon, to reincarnation of Reinhard Heydrich Steven Miller, through all the otherwise-unemployable grifters like junior college flunkout Charlie Kirk - knows in their heart that no matter what they ever do, nothing will ever lead to the glass door they have had their noses pressed to all their loser lives opening with an invitation to come inside.

Trump knows that all the famous golfers he invites to his courses tell everyone they know about how he cheats so obviously, and laugh at him.

Miller knows that the Cool Kidz at Santa Monica High who laughed at him for all those years won’t be inviting him to the After Party at his Twentieth Year Reunion next year.

Bannon knows that no one in Hollywood who matters is ever going to return his many phone calls.

Because They. Are. Losers.

It’s the knowledge of how Inadequate they all are and always have been that drives them, like the lost souls in “The Day of the Locust,” to want to knock down Taylor Swift - who has shattered virtually every major record in the music industry, as she lives her best life supporting her boyfriend, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce, while she breaks the brains of each one of the Inadequates.

The digital fever swamps are where the boys no woman would ever touch gather to fume over everything and anything Swift-related. Her world-wide popularity, the success of the Eras Tour - which is so big that it has notably added to the country’s Gross National Product - her relationship, her appearances at NFL games, and especially her politics - all of that drives the losers crazy.

When the Chiefs won the AFC championship on Sunday, punching the team’s ticket to the Super Bowl (for the third time since t hey appeared in the first on), the Inadequates began shouting about long-standing conspiracy theories around the NFL’s “scriptwriting” for football seasons.

All that gets added to the river of shit pouring from the Inadequate conspiracy theorists who have been claiming since she was first spotted at a Chief’s game that Swift’s involvement with Kelce is part of a deep state plot to build support for President Biden in the 2024 election.

The result is as ugly as it is stupid.

Millenial We’d All Like To Throw From An Upper Story Window Head First, Inadequate blowhard Vivek Ramaswamy, tweeted last Monday that he wondered “who’s going to win the Super Bowl next month,” adding, “I wonder if there’s a major presidential endorsement coming from an artificially culturally propped-up couple this fall. Just some wild speculation over here, let’s see how it ages over the next 8 months.”

That was in response to Pizzagate conspiracy theorist Jack Posobiec, who suggested there was a suspicious shift in Swift’s political leanings over the past several years.

Laura Loomer - who it’s rumored gives the worst blowjobs of any of the professional MAGA bimbos - wrote on Elmo’s Xitter (that’s pronounced, “shitter”) that “The Democrats’ Taylor Swift election interference psyop is happening in the open. They are going to use Taylor Swift as the poster child for their pro-abortion GOTV Campaign.”

Swift has not yet announced if she’ll attend the Super Bowl — as she has a concert in Tokyo, Japan the night before (Due to the International Date Line that allows her to leave Japan just before midnight of the day before the event and arrive in Las Vegas in the early afternoon of the day before the event, she’s pretty likely) Looney Loomer suggested in another post that Swift would be seated next to former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and California’s Democratic Governor Gavin Newsom at the game. “Just in time for 2024.”

Far-right influencer Rogan O’Handley posted a message on Xitter addressed to the San Francisco 49ers, in which he suggested that if the Chiefs won the Super Bowl, Swift and Kelce would trigger an apocalyptic chain of events that would kill millions. “You MUST defeat the Chiefs! If you don’t, Mr. Pfizer and his girlfriend are going to tour the country as ‘world champions’ helping elect Joe Biden WW3 will likely follow in a 2nd Biden term and millions will die. The fate of the free world rests upon your shoulders”

Failed GOP candidate Jack Lombardi II wrote on Xitter that he has “never been more convinced that the Super Bowl is rigged. With all the unneeded and unwanted Taylor coverage at the games. KC’s journey to the Superbowl – totally scripted … KC wins. And then later [they announce] their support for Biden. Coincidental? No. Bought and paid for couple. SMH.” He later posted that, “Taylor Swift is nothing more than a controlled influencer who has been put to work by those who seek to destroy America. She is a very talented operative working for the same group responsible for the timely and coincidental covid-19.”

Podcast host Mike Crispi raged that “The NFL is totally RIGGED for the Kansas City Chiefs, Taylor Swift, Mr. Pfizer (Travis Kelce). All to spread DEMOCRAT PROPAGANDA. Calling it now: KC wins, goes to Super Bowl, Swift comes out at the halftime show and ‘endorses’ Joe Biden with Kelce at midfield.”

And just to prove that every part of MAGA Inadequates, Inc., is aboard for this shitshow, when I was in the grocery store this afternoon, I spotted the new issue of the National Inquirer in the rack by the checkout line. The third headline read” “CROOKED NFL REFS ALL IN FOR RIGGING SUPER BOWL.”

Republican Georgia politician Kandiss Taylor wrote that she “tried to warn yall back in October that the influence of [Taylor Swift] on our youth with witchcraft was demonic, evil, and Luciferian. Of course, Satan wants to use her now to elect Joe back into the White House to destroy what’s left of America.”

Conservative commentator Benny Johnson freaked out over a magazine stand at a Barnes & Noble that had been stocked exclusively with Taylor Swift covers. He posted on Xitter that “Taylor Swift is an op. It’s all fake. You’re being played.”

Charlie Warzel, staff writer at The Atlantic who covers the intersection of politics, technology, and culture, wrote, "There’s something striking about watching the far-right tying itself in knots and attacking Swift and Kelce that demonstrates how badly the far-right media has alienated itself from most of society. They’ve built out this alternate universe and reality of grievance and it feels like instead of using it to wage an effective culture war, they’re fully lost in it and can’t see that they’ve chosen as their primary enemy the person with the literal highest approval rating in American life right now."

TCinLA

[tennfan2]

Nice to Meet You (Again)

(Oh hey - it’s my first scene log in… a long damn time! Also, Daisy? Put the card for this away while you read.)

First, a confession: my thing with memory play is that it kind of pisses me off that people are able to do it. I mean, I’m happy for them, but it’s always been kind of elusive for me. As a result, I’ve always had kind of mixed success with it as a hypnotist.

So when my friend Daisy, who I’d been talking with since last summer and doing online trancy things with since the fall, mentioned being sort of curious about it, I was happy to play around. She’s a really good subject - someone who just inherently “gets it” - so I felt pretty good about the possibilities.

So, over a few weeks, we played with some simple things and over time we built a metaphor I really love. The idea is this: our brains are reference libraries, our memories are books, and there sure are a ton of books there, right? Too many to keep up with. So we all have a card catalog we can flip through to find the right one. The books never leave (it’s a reference library, obviously) but if you lose the card that tells you where it is? Then it’s essentially impossible to find.

I learned that Daisy would be arriving to Charmed a day before I’d be able to get there, but since I live nearby, I had an idea. What if I picked her up on Wednesday evening and had her forget I’d done so, giving us two chances to meet for the first time?

I threw out the idea during one of our conversations and it was quite well received. I believe the response was just “HOT. Hot.”

A couple of weeks before Charmed, I had her in trance and walked through the particulars of the plan, and let her know that there was no need to remember that we’d even talked about it. Her (very excellent) brain did the rest and over the ensuing days she knew that we’d discussed… something, but there was no clue as to what.

So there I was, pulling up to the airport on the Wednesday before Charmed, and there she was, waiting on the curb. It had been a long time since I’d had that kind of moment–the one that comes from months of conversation and phone calls and Skype trances and that joy of finally meeting someone who felt like an old friend in the flesh. All joy, all around.

We got into the car and started driving and chatting, but I looked at my GPS and realized I’d totally overestimated the drive from the airport to the hotel. I quickly asked her if I could do a thing, and she agreed; I put her into trance as we drove and reminded her about the plan:

I’d take her to the hotel and get her settled, but as soon as I left, she’d forget how she got there, remembering only a lovely rideshare ride with a very nice driver. She’d know she’d gotten there safely and it would all make good sense in her mind. I also planted some other Easter eggs for the weekend, and helped reinforce some safety suggestions we’d built over the time we’d be playing.

We got to the hotel and she checked in, I went up to her room with her and got her settled, and then headed for home. Friends, it was *audaciously* hard to pry myself away. But I knew the payoff would be worth it.

She actually texted the next afternoon to see when I’d be arriving with my merry band of carmates, who I’d told about my plan, but when we arrived, she was engaged as a demo bottom and eager learner in Wiseguy’s first-day class! It was hilarious because I’d rounded up most of my covid pod for the weekend to watch the big reveal, and they were… slightly impatient as we awaited her getting out of class.

But when she arrived from class? It was pure, unmitigated joy, again. I knew it would be fun to meet her twice for the first time, but I can’t overstate how cool it was.

The look on her face to “finally” meet was so real, so joyful. It was as close as one could get to perfect. I introduced her to my friends, and then leaned in to ask… “is there anything you need to remember?”

Y’all. Y’ALL. It could not have been better. Her eyes rolled up and fluttered for what seemed like a minute, but was probably just a few seconds. Seeing the memories return to her mind in real time was unlike anything I’d ever really experienced. She turned to me, said “... you little shit.” (a term of endearment - take my word for it) and then just collapsed into a squat for… a while.

It was so fun, so exciting, and so incredibly cool to do this, and I’m so grateful to Daisy for letting poke around in her brain (which is a truly excellent co-conspirator in all of this). What a great way to start a great weekend.

[pansy-placebo]

CFS + ADHD is so weird

Trigger warning for stimulants; ADHD medication is central in this story; and other stims are briefly alluded to

If you didn't know, there's been an ADHD medication shortage in the UK (and a lot of the world) which has meant I haven't been able to get my hands on my ADHD meds AT ALL. for OVER YEAR.

And a bit over two weeks ago- out of nowhere- I found like a month's worth of ADHD medication. I'd lost it in the early days of the shortage, back when I just had to wait longer between meds, instead of never getting any. Back then it didn't matter if I misplaced a bottle here and there- even if I didn't get a refill immediately, as long as I didn't have anything too important, all I had to do was wait out the month for a new prescription.

But these days? Thanks to the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, I couldn't even do the things I used to do to cope with the ADHD before I had medication, like going on runs, so it's been completely unregulated. After a year of being completely unable to fill out any sort of forms, make phone calls, or draft emails by myself (and lots of other crucial stuff) - finding a bottle was a miracle!

I decided to put it to good use and get done what I've needed done for so long.

After a couple of test doses to be sure if was safe, I took a regular daily dose for four days in a row. It was four blissful days of actually, really cleaning the room I've stayed in for over a year, and decorating it! And doing the dishes for my partner for once, and sorting out old clothes from my wardrobe, and finally building the courage to contact the private ADHD psychs so I could get more ADHD meds in the future.

And all the sudden I felt sick, sick enough to know taking the meds would be a waste. And all at once, I had to stop taking it for WEEKS,

because I had overworked myself to the point of becoming physically ill and contracting an ear infection. But it wasn't just an ear infection, oh no- the ear infection travelled to my sinuses, and then throat, and then lungs. During which time it travelled back to re-infect my ears after they healed twice, which gave me vertigo that prevented me from doing anything but being nauseous and sad in bed. I took multiple COVID tests because it was. just. The same as getting COVID.

Now, I'm still super phlegmy and cough a lot, but at least I can breathe without my lungs making all these... wheezy cracky bubbly noises, and the world isn't spinning which is a huge improvement.

The reason I got so sick in the first place was because pre-shortage was also pre-CFS relapse, and I've never had an overlap of both having CFS and taking adhd meds before. So of course when I took my medication and felt wayyy better for a few days, I stupidly started to think the past year of exhaustion was just me lacking my medication. and not. like. my whole ass Syndrome. And so of course going full-speed ahead as though I'm not still dealing with a chronic illness crashed my already fragile-ass immune system. My body can't handle walking for more than a few minutes some days and forces me to take naps after every activity, so naturally spending a whole day walking around cleaning was going to fuck everything up. Glass bones and paper skin ass motherfucker.

Today I got well enough to take the medication again, so I did, with the express purpose of contacting my psychs to acquire a new prescription. So I filled most of their forms, I put some laundry in the wash and did some drawing. All in all, I did about as much as I'd do on a Very Good Day with CFS

But I have learned my lesson. I won't do more than the CFS would usually let me do on a good day, and make sure to focus my attention on more sedentary tasks so I don't destroy myself by jumping in the deep end again. Even though while medicated I may feel like a Task Machine, that doesn't mean I am a Task Machine. I am a human being with a chronic disease that Feels ✨Gone✨ when I take stimulants, and if I don't start acting like it then the chronic disease will only get worse until I Totally Can Feel It even with the stimulants. I did the exact same thing with other drugs when I was a teenager, so it could happen again.

TL;DR: man with the Always Sleepy disease takes medicine that makes him feel Less Sleepy, so he stupidly thinks he was faking the Always Sleepy Disease the whole time and acts like a healthy person without the disease for a few days, which makes his Sleepy Disease into Even Sleepier Disease and he sleeps Even More for weeks after

[vicekillx]

UPDATE: 2024

Usually I make these kinds of post around New Years, but this year I didn't really have anything to say. But now we're a month in and I definitely do.

I feel…different, this year. In a good way, I think. I feel like I'm tired of being complacent and riding coattails. This month has been a whirlwind of getting my shit in line. So far I:

handled two serious family crises smoothly and picked myself back up quickly from both

called my health insurance (phone calls have historically been an hours-long meltdown-inducing debacle for me) twice to switch my PCP because the previous one was consistently booked 3-6 months out and she just forgot to mention the inhaler I pulled out of my bag to show her at my first appointment so I couldn't get a refill on it or my nebulizer when I had COVID; that's been getting put off since August of last year

made an appointment with said new PCP for Feb 1, and I'm hoping they'll be able to refer me to a dentist and optometrist because I desperately need both

got back into therapy with an autism/ADHD specialist who can help me manage those specifically after my previous therapist didn't understand why I couldn't just Do It™; also have assessments lined up for both to get diagnoses

pay more attention to my health in general, including diet and exercise. I'm already down about 10 lb

restructured my planner to include a mood tracker and sleep tracker, and have been better about staying on top of it

got Trello up and running and so far it's working really well for me

have been doing my house chores more consistently, namely cleaning litter boxes and taking care of my snakes and tarantulas (roommates have been picking up my slack but they shouldn't have to, they're my animals)

am able to work more consistently on my designated work days; before it was a lot of chipping away and putting things off rather than sitting down and making actually decent progress

am finally starting a tattoo sleeve I've wanted for a very, very long time as a belated birthday gift to myself

am consistently filling stream sketch slots, which means I can actually make money and pay my bills on-time (and a huge, huge thank you to everyone who signs up, I'm pretty sure this is the primary reason I've been able to pull myself out of the hole. Financial stability is a hell of a drug)

This year I wanna try really hard to keep the train moving along this track. If things keep going the way they are, I could potentially make some pretty big changes in the not so distant future. Some things I'm brainstorming:

UnholyFans

merch other than stickers (seriously I have so many designs in mind, I just haven't had the drive to work on them or the upfront capital to order inventory)

more monster/demon adoptables

I would really like to collab with some other artists, it's been too fuckin long

website restructure

picking up my side business (I did literally zero pieces for it last year oof), ideally with a rebrand

get back into conventions and try some new crowds: reptile/exotic expos, tattoo conventions, oddities expos, sex conventions, BDSM groups…

push the stream setup to be more professional

rekindling the spark for my personal stories and headworld projects

more I have written down somewhere but can't think of off the top of my head

And to be clear, I'm optimistic, but also a realist. I know from experience that shit changes and I could hit a massive depressive slump in a month or two and be back to where I was for most of last year. I'm still not going to promise anything I'm not confident I can deliver. However, that doesn't mean I shouldn't try.

I already got sidetracked with this post, so I'm gonna make a second to get to my original point and I'll come back and add a link to this one when I do. But suffice to say I want to try - again - to breathe some kind of life back into my SubscribeStar. I have some ideas in mind, but I want to hear yall's opinions on it too.

Watch this space ♥

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #240

Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you? No.

Have you ever built a snowman? Yes.

What is the last thing you drew a picture of? A meerkat character of mine.

What do you think about babies? I actually think most are ugly as opposed to cute and they're all annoying. That's my problem, not theirs, they're literally babies and are therefore going to be, but still.

Was your last kiss standing up, sitting down, or lying down? Lying down.

Do you hate the last person you kissed? No.

Do you like to listen to the radio in the car? No, I prefer to listen to my own music.

Do you sleep with a fan on? Yes.

Have you ever broken up with someone for someone else? It was PART of the reason I left Girt the first time we tried dating.

Is something bothering you? I've been bothered by life for a long time now.

Have you ever taken a shower with anyone before? When I was young.

Have you done anything sneaky lately? No.

Were you happy when you woke up today? No. For the past long while I've literally been disappointed upon waking up.

Do you wear your seatbelt in the car? Of course I do.

Have you ever been cheated on? No.

Do you prefer to spend your time indoors or outdoors? Indoors, realistically.

Do you think you spend too much time feeling upset? I'm sure I do.

When was the last time you were sick? Last month I had Covid.

Has anybody close to you passed away in the last six months? No.

Have you ever broken the law? Yeah.

What was the one subject in school that frustrated you because you just couldn’t process it? Various kinds of math.

What common advice do you think never works? "Just be positive," stuff like that.

Do you own any cookbooks? Mom has a lot.

Do you have the same religious beliefs as your parents? No.

Would you ride a motorcycle if given the chance? (or have you?) I don't think so.

Is your hair healthy? It's not right now. All the bleaching and stuff it took to dye my hair has it very, very dry, but it's probably my own fault because I haven't done all the aftercare I was told to do with my hair.

How often do you take a train? Never.

Do you have an interesting passport? I don't have one.

Who supports you financially? My mom.

Are you generally a quick learner? It VERY much depends on the subject.

What’s your favorite spot to read? On the back porch, which is meshed in and roofed so it stays a bit cooler.

Would you be/are you a good role model to a younger sibling? No. My younger sister is a role model to ME.

Are you scared of reptiles? Not at all.

Honestly, have you ever eaten raw cookie dough? Yes.

Where would you most like to go in your state, etc. that you haven’t been? If we're just talking my state, the Blue Ridge Mountains.

Are you camera shy? Why/why not? Yes, because I think I'm ugly and don't like pictures proving it.

From inside of your house, how many doors lead outside? Two.

Who was the last person to give you flowers? Girt.

What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Technology.

Do you like BBQ sauce? I don't at all.

Is your mother a lesbian? No.

Would you ever consider getting dreadlocks? No.

Have you ever donated blood? Twice. I wanna do it more often.

Do you believe in miracles? No.

What are three ways in which you are not normal? I'm unemployed, I live with my mom when I'm pushing 30, and I guess being neurodivergent counts.

Which genre of music do you listen to the most? Metal and rock of sorts.

Last person you kissed, are they into any type of sports? Which ones? No.

Does your best friend have a job? Yes.

When you move out of your house (or if you already have moved out) do you plan on still visiting your parents’ house? Yeah.

Have you ever worked two jobs at once? No.

Who in your life causes you the most stress or negative feelings? I mean, myself, really.

Have you ever had a teacher that also taught your parents? In my last college attempt, actually, yes. I had the same English teacher my mom did at one point.

What’s something you complain about frequently? Being depressed. Especially lately.

Have you had any confrontations with anyone lately? No.

Do you walk fast or slow? Slow.

Is there any alcohol in the fridge? No.

Is the last person you kissed older than you? Yes.

Are you the type of person who seeks out revenge? No.

Did you ever build furniture forts as a child? I loved doing this.

Do you plan on losing weight any time soon? I've been planning that for multiple years now... and it doesn't happen.

When was the last time you used a disposable camera? I couldn't tell you.

Do you hate it when people smoke around you? Yes.

Have you ever been to Florida? Yes, my maternal grandma lived there.

When’s the last time you screamed really loud? The last time I did this was I think into a pillow, quite a while ago.

Has anyone ever called you a whore? Only ever playfully by friends. I'm quite the opposite (not that being a whore is even bad, I literally do not care).

Who were you last in a car with? My mom.

Has anyone ever told you that you have pretty eyes? Yeah. I don't think they're anything exceptional, I wish they were bluer.

Have you ever played the guitar? Yes, for a little while in high school I took electric guitar lessons.

Would you rather be called "honey" or "baby?" Hunny.

Have you ever eavesdropped on someone’s conversation? Sure, who hasn't? This doesn't necessarily have to entail standing outside of a door with your ear to it or something, sometimes you just listen to convos that aren't yours.

Do you still play the "slugbug no slugbug back" game? I've... never heard them called "slugbugs," we always said "punchbug," ha ha. Anyway, I don't.

Has anyone ever told you to grow up? Most likely, I think this is a common insult.

Have you ever eaten a bug? Not to my recollection. I'm not necessarily against it, though. I think people make way too big a deal out of eating bugs, it's just a massive food source. I wouldn't be opposed to trying a bug-made dish if I trust it was somewhere that prepared it well.

Do you think Apple Jacks is a good cereal? Yes, that's literally what I ate this morning.

Do you think pit bulls are as mean as everyone says they are? Oh shut up.

When eating, are you more concerned with the taste or healthiness? Taste.

Have you ever shoved stuff under your bed to make your room look clean? I haven't, actually.

Do you know anyone who has been a victim of a drunk driver? I probably do.

What would you do if your best friend was marrying someone you can’t stand? This would kinda depend on why I can't stand them. Are they abusive or in some other way toxic? Then I'd gently try to open their eyes to it. Are they aggressively right-wing or something? In that case I'd feel it's not my partner, so not my business to try and stop my best friend from marrying a person if they're not actually dangerous to said friend.

Would you drink a gallon of sour milk for $250? NO.

Has someone ever thrown something at you & it landed down your shirt? HAHA yes.

What toys did you play with in the bathtub as a kid? To be honest, I don't really remember.

Do you like jumping off diving boards? I wouldn't now because I'm too afraid to jump, I don't think my knees can handle me jumping.

[arthropooda]

My breathing is getting worse again. This will be the fifth antibiotic resistance I've had. It's by far worse than any bronchitis I've ever heard of. They said I don't have pneumonia anymore but almost all my symptoms are the same severity, and it's in both lungs now.

I can't sleep because I can't stop coughing and internally it sounds like a Geiger counter. I'm just really scared. I'm on 10+ prescriptions. I'm sure all of this is related to having covid in September because I have never before been a fraction of this ill ever in my life. I wear a mask virtually everywhere but finally caught covid doing odd jobs and errands for a wealthy person who did not wear a mask. I've felt weaker ever since that happened but really could not afford to slow down or take a break to get better. I couldn't even rest enough while actually having covid because I was living with a denier and my spouse would not let me come to our house during that time. I did at least get to take paxlovid but was pretty much forced to be active during that time and immediately go back to work after.

Then, a month later, I got extremely ill from a cold my coworker had. I went to urgent care for high fever but because I went during one of the only breaks in the actual fever, I was given nothing for it and it kept coming back until I had pneumonia.

Then, I went to a university hospital where I feel more mistakes were made, like giving me something too weak for too short a time, giving me antibiotics through a bad iv, and not releasing me with any oral antibiotic. They also would not let me have my blood pressure medication so I had extremely high blood pressure the whole time I was there (also a problem I did not have before covid).

Now I have two inhalers and a home nebulizer. Sometimes I feel like I just pass out from not having enough oxygen. It feels like physically moving my lungs to breathe is difficult, even beyond oxygen saturation. I have been to a marginally better hospital, but it takes longer to get to and I know if the ER were busy it would probably be as bad as the university one. I have an appointment with a specialist on boxing day, which was the soonest I could get since this started, even after being admitted (the university hospital made me an appointment for the end of January and I've been back in the ER twice since then). I don't know if I can even wait for five more days. Since the first time I went to the ER I haven't been out of the hospital for as long as a week without then feeling worse and needing to go back even more urgently. Based on all of this, I will probably have to go back by Saturday.

I know there are lots of stories like mine but I just wanted to make a longer post about it in case I feel too badly to do it later.

Cautionary advice:

wear your mask; only take it off if you are specifically willing to get sick from the environment/activity you're engaging in.

If you have persistent high fever, do not lie on your side if you are crying, laughing, or congested; this can easily cause an infection to spread to the lung on the side you're lying on. Also, if you already have an infection of that severity, don't even lean to one side while laughing or crying because that can make it suddenly worse and further spread the infection. I just feel like I need to include this because it can happen so easily.

Everyone probably knows this but if you have a busted vein, do not use an iv on the same vein, even if medical staff say it doesn't matter. It does matter, and getting an infusion that just leaks out of a busted vein instead of actually circulating intravenously will not have the same effect and will cause complications.

If you have antibiotic resistance and you get iv antibiotics and then leave the facility before you're in good health, you need to go home with oral antibiotics. Really this is probably a good idea even without prior antibiotic resistance since an incomplete course just makes resistance more likely.

[strugglingclassicist]

the entirety of December and the first part of January I was mostly bedbound by illness (two colds in a row I think? first one felt like covid but I tested twice and no), and I am a lot better now, except easily fatigued when I do stuff. However now that I'm slowly easing back into everyday life, I notice how when I was ill I was miserable for so many reasons, but actually that period of rest gave me a relief of pain I haven't noticed until now:( like my feet hurting. They always hurt and I don't know for how long a time - not always, but certainly for a couple of years. I wake up feeling like I completed a mountain hike the day before when I've just had a normal day, they hurt when I go to bed and they ache when I wake up. And I didn't notice that this was mostly gone until I started leaving the house again for errands and school now :(

but also just general body aches, I have had days where I've really struggled with getting up for the day, especially on time, just because my body aches upon waking:( but now I feel like I've had an intense strength training when I in fact only went to meet a friend for a coffee. Yesterday I hade a normal but long day with school and bookclub, and today I am keeping bed. I feel completely beaten up and I can feel the ache and tension spread from my hurting feet and up my shins:( I know I had some pains before, but did I live constantly with this amount of pain every day before I spent almost a month resting? How much of it is illness? To what extent is the pain I feel a result of illness recovery/weakness from inactivity and to what extent is this simply exaggerating what is already there? Regardless it is disheartening :(