#and I cannot mentally afford that
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I had better keep busier than ever now because if I stop dissociating for one second I’m cooked
#the problem with being ill all the time is that once you pay attention to it you feel worse#and I cannot mentally afford that#workaholism take me away#thoughts#vent
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Calling out of work will never not feel terrible terrible bad terrible but I have to remind myself that I work for a corporate company so :/
#granted it feels terrible in the context of our individual atore#cause my manager is really nice#and i hate to call out but im sp exhausted#like cannot fathom getting out of bed rn tired#idk how long i slept but could have only been like an hour#smthn occured to me today about my 'sudden' health issues#is thag theyre not sudden#and i have a ballpark of when they started#but i have to make a timeline#i just didn't notice them the way i am now cause mental illness tends to distract me#and i also tend to just go go go until i cant anymore#i didnt notice them as much when i lived in the city cause i walked EVERYWHERE and couldn't afford to#pay attention to my body#so yeah#symptoms have been there since January 2022 at least#prob before that but i dont remember much of that
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to be united after death isat animatic. no other thought it's just been stuck in my head for the past month
to be united after death / to make the same mistakes again / and to be left wanting for breath / like it is something i have left
(one more try one more try one more try)
#w.bg#isat#i would. actually plan it out but. too many animatic plans#cannot afford to make another one#honestly most of the ihbttf2 songs have been mental animatic'd by me already lmao#not my fault that they are peak.#i really should have been listening to them more before they were on spotify#but i'm too lazy to go onto any other website or application#i literally had the volume downloaded on my device from the key. what the hell#woe.begone is such a problem for me because the songs give me w.bg brainrot but ALSO other fandom brainrot
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thinking about how buddy is inherently more durable than its crew. they are humans (presumably), soft and killable. but buddy is not its body, but a mask, which is very hard to break. it can get burned, shot, dismembered, poisoned, and blown up six ways from sunday, and its mask will be fine. thinking about how the crew settles into that mindset that buddy is innately more expendable whether they want to or not
it can travel in front. if there is a bracken, it will follow last. it is first to cross the gap to determine if the jump is worth the risk. it loves to do this because it keeps its crew, significantly more vulnerable than itself, safe. it serves as bait for a spider and laughs when it is numbed with venom and collapses, laughs knowing it just had to get the thing to turn around, to leave itself open to be killed by someone else. fifteen teleports it for the seventh time and grows numb to seeing what a thumper does to a body, watching the host stop moving in the ship. it shoves five out of a nutcracker's line of sight and gets shot and still twitches and laughs as it bleeds its energy out, to keep its attention on it rather than anyone else. how readily it will split from the others and serve itself on a silver platter to anything and everything, just to keep them alive.
its crew don't like it, how it has formed some odd complex about it. it never gets downright reckless with itself, because getting a body is a pain kept to a minimum, but that doesn't stop that looming knowledge of how it can be used. a useful ability to have, leaving it and its team assured that there is a fail-safe. that it's okay for someone to lag behind or march into danger, because they can always get it another body. it is the perfect sacrificial lamb.
it gets a little scared when the baboon hawks rip it apart, seeking for things to swallow whole, and wrap their maws around its skull. turretfire or a nutcracker could hit its mask. a pack of dogs fighting over it could (and eventually do) crack its mask. but it does it anyways, no matter how it disturbs itself or its team, because that is the role it has embraced; it is happy to die for them. it can afford to get eaten alive, so why wouldn't it place itself between a dog and its beloved crew? it is simultaneously ready to die and terrified of death
#thoughts#lethal company posting#oc: buddy#I have a lot of thoughts about how it thinks of itself in relation to a team dynamic#it's such a weird masked. it's very robust in health (reliable supply of hosts; rarely dormant) and each host should last a long time--#--but due to constant unimaginable physical and mental stressors no average masked experiences it wears down quickly#mentally it's also odd; it doesn't turn its crew and attacks other masked. EATS other masked at least once. which is unheard of#it has the stolen memories of greener grass but it has truly known nothing else. it is an employee. it has never known peace.#it cannot afford to rest. it is perpetually exhausted. masked do not typically sleep but it is so. so tired.#masked are hedonistic and stationary things. buddy cracks in a very special and unique way
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yeag
#Robin processes emotions on main#living with my parents is going so wellllll#I'm thivingggggg#overall it's fine I'm just. rrrrrrrrrr IT'S SO HARD TO FEEL LIKE AN ADULT THIS WAY I'm always caught in this defensive mode#which ends up making me self-destructive because I feel like doing good / being proactive is What My Parents Want Me To Do#so then I associate doing good mentally with loss of autonomy and it's making me freak out#cycles of depression... cycles of SOMETHING anyway#I need a job so bad. I need stability. and therapy. man... I want therapy so bad but I just cannot afford it rn#and moving out? (hopeless laugh) in this economy??#WAUGH#I just hate feeling like everything I'm doing is being watched!!! hate it so much!!! it's making me self-destruct!!!#okay I'm done <3 handing you a scone if you've read this far#with the power of God and anime on my side I just might make it out of here someday
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detective comics #509
[ID: Bruce Wayne sleeping in his penthouse, his eyes squeezed shut as the narration reads, ‘Gordon's strained laugh sounds hollow, but it echos in the Batman's mind... and haunts his dreams...” Bruce awakens to a hand on his shoulder and before he can think, he's twisting it and holding it down. The panel expands, revealing the hand belongs to Alfred as he's almost toppling over! He cries out, “M-master Bruce—my arm!” as Bruce groggily realizes who it is. He lets go at once as Alfred moves to the end of the bed and holds his arm while stammering an apology, “S-sorry, s-sir... Sorry if I startled you.” Bruce looks at him with aghast as he cries out, “My god, Alfred—I almost broke your arm!” Alfred reasons, “You must have been having a nightmare, sir.” as Bruce sits up and puts his face in his hands. He weepily dismisses, “A nightmare—what kind of an excuse is that? Old friend... forgive me...” Alfred reassures, “Nothing to forgive, sir. Just bad nerves, sir.” END ID]
#THIS ONE !!!!#bruce and his neverending guilt complex#just immediately regretful and so apologetic as alfred is quick to reassure and dismiss it#holding his arm because of fucking course it still hurts but when bruce lifts his head he stops ....#always thinking of how he was a caretaker for bruce since he was a small child/infant and how many little things bruce does now will remind#alfred of those days#he likes his grilled cheese q certain way. he cries if he thinks he hurt someone. he blames himself for a lot. he gets bad nightmares#like so much has stayed the same as so much continues to change but the love and care thry have for each other is always there#(<- guy who is always number one in bruce is disabled and needs a caretaker but also in how the people around him know bruce loves and cares#about them. its not about not being loved its about how heavy his love is and how bruce will subconsciously use his love to harm himself#(from blaming himself to his parents murders and jason's future death to something as simple as this and how he'll beat himself up#for hurting alfred and not able to protect him as well from himself)#(like his mental illness is forever using his stupid bleeding heart against himself as a reason for why hes awful)#this is all fully sidetracked im just fucking wired today sorry lol#but while im talking and something more related to the panel itself::#after this line bruce looks up and says ‘the batman suffering from bad nerves? lets hope not. gordon can worry about the election but i#cannot afford to. still its not just the campaign. lately so many other things are pressuring me—mostly as bruce wayne’#and like !!!!#it wasn't about batman! it wasnt about his burdens and responsibilities!! alfred was telling HIM. BRUCE. that its okay#and bruce automatically ‘its not because batman cant behave like this’ like !!!!#batman is the priority in the sense of he thinks he needs it to protect people. even his family even alfred and every single stranger#he won't ever allow himself any grace even while sleeping because batman cannot afford those ‘slips’#just GOD 70s/80s batman makes me insane for forever and ever amen#c: detective comics | i: 509#crypt's panels#bruce wayne#alfred pennyworth#alfred & bruce#‘awake or asleep—it scarcely matters anymore. the nightmare never seems to end.’#<- nightmare bruce tag <333
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People really think trust issues are just "aww they're scared of love" and it's like bitch no. Trust issues as in I'm deeply in love and the issue is I'm waiting for you break my heart after undergoing periodic abuse in relationships. I'm not scared of love I'm scared of what you'll do with it.
#ahahahaha anyways. ranty time in the tags wheeee#paranoia has been terrible today. everyones mood is off. everyones acting different. everyones acting colder. they hate me im sure of it#and all this stuff i want to be happy i just know is gonna be ruined or left with tainted memories now and its my fault#but maybe its not because why the fuck cant you be consistent. why is it so touch and go#i support ppl through the worst parts of their lives and when i need the support nobody is there#i will literally take time off work to be with someone if theyre having a hard time but me? cant even afford more than three words#im sick of being told i love you and finding no proof outside empty words. i sure as hell dont feel fucking loved. everyone is lying#it's just like my ex. he smothered me in love to cover up the major lack of actually viable love#empty words make me sick to my stomach now. everyones a fucking liar and i dont get why the wont just tell me the truth!#if im such a burden then just fucking say it! if im horrible to be around tell me! how am i supposed to every grow if nobody tells me#i just wanna be loved and not unconditionally. i want to be loved by choice. i want someone to choose me despite everything#i want someone to love me to every little detail and hold my hand even when im at my lowest and just UNDERSTAND#i want someone to love me wholeheartedly and think about me as much i do them. i want the little gestures and the sweet things i do#but here i am. always the one carrying everything and putting in all the effort. when was the last time someone really liked me.#when was the last time i existed in someone elses head. when was the last time someone cared enough to check on me. to do something?#this savior mentality is gonna kill me but im only being straightforward when i say i cannot pull myself from this alone. i am so weak#and god im fucking tired#spent at least two hours straight sobbing while regressed because even as a kid i cant outrun this#and im just getting sicker. i cant sleep. cant eat. cant stay warm. feel like im slowly fading away#and nobody even cares. its so fucking selfish and childish but my whole life ive screamed for help and nobody has seen me#do i have to become another number in the statistics for you to care? or would you even care when i die?#because at this rate i dont even need to try. my heart hasn't slowed in three days. i think i really am dying#sad thoughts#vent blog#sad blogging#vent#vent post#venting#actually mentally ill#actually traumatized
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Good morning
Time to queue (as soon as my hrt has dried) and honestly I am not feeling great about it
#i feel torn and dirty and wrong yet i dont want to speak about it because i dont need the push back rn#i already feel like spiralling#and i cannot afford that#i need to be mentally prepare to queue#if only i could stop from caring so much#micahs thoughts#käärijä böle
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…….why am i getting so many bbc merlin posts on my dash- what’s goin’ on-
#I CANNOT AFFORD TO BE MENTALLY ILL OVER THAT GOD FORSAKEN SHOW AGAIN!!!!!!#OUUGGHHJ.#jes talks#jes rambles
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I have an interview tomorrow at the library I practically lived in as a child, but it’s a very part time role that I - economically - cannot afford to accept.
On the other hand, I absolutely despise my current job and wish to burn the building to the ground every damn day. Mental health over financial stability battle commences🫡
#I have so many pros about taking the library job#I’ll have more time to work on my VA career from home#because rn I’m coming home exhausted and have too much to do before even thinking about doing audition tapes#I’m born to be a librarian#my entire wardrobe is librarian core#I’m also hugely autistic and love categorising stuff#my mental health will improve so much in this role#but I cannot afford to do an 11.5 hour job that pays minimum wage#I barely make enough money in a full time job#decisions decisions#truly mental health vs money (or lack there of)#interview#librarian#life choices#calendar#linda belcher#bobs burgers#bob’s burgers#2024#may#may 27#monday#may 2024#bobs burgers calendar#daily calendar
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There is a lot of discussion and awareness here about anti-homeless architecture. It's good and I don't want that to stop, but I do want to talk about how most homeless people live out of their cars.
Some do because rental prices are too high. Some are in between jobs and have no income. Some choose it because it is the only way to accommodate a disability in a place that hates the mentally ill (Hi I'm the problem its me).
Either way, if you start seeing more 'NO PARKING ANYTIME' signs go up around your city, I can PROMISE you it is for anti-homeless reasons. What happens is, a homeless person is living in their car and needs to park to sleep. Walmart is no longer the friend it used to be and neither are most gas stations because they don't want 'nasty dirty homeless folk crowding their lot'. So, what is someone finding themselves in this situation to do. Travel pavilions cost money now, and not all rest stops legally allow overnight parking.
So, you find a decent looking neighborhood, and park for the night. During that time some 'friendly neighborhood watch' Karen, decides your two-door sedan is a threat to her two story house and yard, with a full RING security system, so she calls the cops and reports 'SusPIcious ACtivetiy'. Cops come and shoo you away, and then the city puts up a 'NO PARKiNG ANYTIME' sign to prevent 'strangers' from sleeping on the sidestreets of neighborhoods anymore. There goes ONE MORE half decent place for a homeless person who wasn't even being visibly homeless to sleep. So, if y'all are gonna go off against anti-homeless architecture (which you should) also go off about strict parking laws around you.
#this one is for you tony fucking howard#homeless#homelessness#poverty#disability#i am literally about to go live out of a van because i cannot afford living this way mentally or financially anymore#so#just thought i would put it out there :3
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guys will get lowkey sick to their stomach scared and ashamed like "what if it's evil to buy sandals" 👍
at least this is a lot less graphic than the other thoughts i have been being repeatedly haunted by the last couple of weeks, and like all of them i am just letting them float like "okay. what if it IS evil to buy sandals *not a real question* *looks at myself blankly*" because i know that reassurance just reinforces the loop but like. hello??? 😅 also thumbs up is definitely the wrong emoji here but i simply cannot put specific moods or expressions to this situation hope u understand hahaha sorry for my tone <3
#i will get some anyway because i simply cannot afford to live my life governed by [redacted] thoughts so. me: 1 million. mental illness: 0#but at what cost :P
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I now associate The Chain with ofmd in the same highly emotional way that I associate Somebody to Love with good omens, and it's seriously very weird in both cases
#im listening to it while i do homework#just because i am too obsessed with ofmd atm and too overly stressed with my work that i literally cannot bring myself to focus at all#this song is literally the only thing keeping me on track mentally and emotionally right now#i am so close to falling back into an overwhelmed state despair and dread so overwhelming that it turns almost apathetic#i really cant afford that rn#i need the motivation this singular beat is giving me#i need to will myself forward#ofmd#good omens#fleetwood mac#queen
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:((
#i have been. very stressed and on edge mentally#i'm so overwhelmed by everything. the storm. my house being a wreck. i finally got things back to normal and bam!#not to mention i was already broke after the flooring disaster and milton was the cherry on top#just pray there is no damage that i cannot see because... i would not be able to afford it
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good news: we have water again ! ! ! a pipe had burst somewhere up the street so the city came out and fixed it today (we still need to run the tap to get rid of the air and muddy water but. it's something.)
bad news: i had to go to my partner's to do laundry and shower so i missed out on work time today (bad) (anxiety inducing) (i don't need this right now)
worst news: i have a killer headache and my throat is suspiciously stiff 👁 👁
#please please please for the love of god ; ; ;#i am begging and pleading do Not let this be a repeat of last semester ; ; ; ;#this is exactly how i felt last time i got sick with covid and i Cannot afford another late start ; ; ; ;#i am. suddenly stuck by The Unwelcome Guest last week cryptically asking me when you're supposed to test for covid#and then saying 'hmm. okay. good to know.' and then refusing to elaborate#i swear. to god if she got me sick i'm#i. can't even say. i'm suddenly struck by such helpless grief thinking about how little i can do to keep her from being in my life ; ; ; ;#we literally Evicted her she all but threatened my older sibling into letting her visit weekly to take care of her potted plants#and then in october last year she was like 'my roommate has covid and i don't have money for a hotel i have nowhere to go :'('#so the agreement was she could stay for One Week#and basically she has been. on and off our couch since then.#like. only going back to her apartment for 1 to 3 days at a time before spending another two weeks in our house.#with new excuses every time.#and literally Every Time I Say No And Put My Foot Down older sibling begs on her behalf because she's busy hounding and guilt-tripping them#so like. what can i even do if it turns out she infected me with covid because she didn't care to disclose that she was feeling sick#(and decided to come over anyway)#i'm just. overwhelmed ; ; ;#i feel like crying ; ; ;#i'm already busy pre-mourning the loss of my mental health and down time with my internship starting back next week#i don't need to worry about whether or not i'm going to be bed ridden for 2 weeks#and suffer Even More lasting lung and brain and blood and fatigue issues on top of that ; ; ; ;#a a a a a i just. feel like crying a lot ; ; ; ;#i'm already behind ; ; ;#i should ; ; ; try to work more tonight before the inevitability of it all hits me tomorrow ; ; ; ; ;
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just had to shit away $1000 on health insurance premiums and now i wanna throw up
#*poof*#and its really all for nothing#because the plans i got stuck with dont even fucking cover anything#if i actually need medical care i am fucked#even with insurance i still cant even afford a single xray#i cant afford to see a specialist#and its not that i don't need medical care#I've been in excruciating pain for over a year#i probably need surgery#im almost 100% certain that i have a broken bone in my foot#and that i have some kind of degenerative hip disease happening#runs in my family#i have ckd and a laundry list of mental illnesses on top of that#that i cant get medication for#became i cant afford to see my fucking old psychiatrist who i loved#he is one of the only drs that ever actually helped me without over medicating me or sending me for tests i didn't need#just one pill 2x a day#qnd my primary “Dr” refuses to prescribe it to me because they “dont feel comfortable” doing that#like you stupid mfer I DONT FEEL COMFORTABLE#IF I COULD AFFORD TO SEE THE GUT THAT ACTUALLY GIVES A SHIT I WOULD#I cannot get another job to be able to afford it because i am not medicated#fuck the us healthcare system#healthcare#hey luigi i need a favor my guy
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