#and I am very much not one for going clubbing
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She hummed, looking over your recent arrangement with a proud gaze. “I can understand that. It’s been a bit since you’ve been in a relationship,” she said, giving your arm a small squeeze. “But don’t be too apprehensive, dear. It’s okay to let someone in.” You bit your tongue when you wanted to blurt out that Bucky didn’t just let himself in. He tore through your life and made a home for himself in the ashes. But Mrs. Crandle meant well and didn’t know what was going on.
Mrs. Cradle probably means well but let's calm down a bit 🥴
“I can work through it. There are still a few orders to finish,” you protested, which was a reasonable excuse. “I’m not making you work through lunch.” She looked offended by the very idea. And of course, she wouldn’t give you an out. Like most of your small circle of friends and loved ones, they wanted you to find a partner. “And don’t worry about the orders, dear. You two lovebirds go and take as long as you want.”
She truly is too nice 😬
Much like walking into the club, you felt out of place as you walked through the cafe. Not because it wasn’t your scene, but because of the special sort of treatment. You didn’t want it. Though the ambience of the fairy lights and privacy would’ve been sweet and romantic otherwise.
That's so eerie 🫣
Bucky’s hand lingered until she was out of sight. “I don’t appreciate that she didn’t look your way,” he said, shrugging his jacket off before he took a seat. You could see the tension in his shoulders, his gloved left hand flexing slightly. “It’s clear that we’re here together on a lunch date.” “No, it’s not. It’s disrespectful. I’m here with you. I’m not interested in her or anyone else.” His eyes were as cold as ice when he pushed the menu away, making you shiver. “I’m not like my dad.” “I know I’m the only one you see,” you said, reaching over to touch his hand. He took it the second it was within reach. You didn’t think he’d do anything to hurt or damage the hostess in any way over something harmless in your eyes, but maybe offering a bit of assurance would distract him. “I don’t know your dad, but I can sense that you aren’t him.”
Ohhh this is something that truly gets his gears turning
He observed you, almost in morbid curiosity as you waited for him to respond. You knew what the answer was going to be, but you wanted to believe your paranoia was getting to you. “First, your apartment isn’t your home. The penthouse is going to be our home together and maybe that’ll finally sink in once you’re living there,” he answered, your eyes wide. “And second, of course I have bugs around your place. Visual, audio, you name it. I’m not exactly trying to hide that I’m watching you as much as possible.”
The way he says it so nonchalantly is truly mind boggling 🥴
“You’re not exactly trying to hide it? You hid it by not telling me!” You accused him, the gaslighting bastard. “How could you do that?” He shrugged, which only upset you more. “Mentioning the collar was a pretty big hint. Do you really think I’d bring it up if I didn’t want you to know I was watching or listening in?” “You…” You let out a breath and swallowed back tears. He really did want you to know. “You want me to feel scared, don't you, like when you broke in. Because when you scare me or make me feel uneasy, you can control me more and get me to do what you want. You’re sick.”
What she said ☝🏻
You swallowed thickly. He was never going to budge. “You sit there and act like you’re a decent guy because you haven’t forced yourself on me and you won’t raise a hand to me, but you’re still a monster,” you said, your gaze vulnerable and open. He had to see how upset you were, how he caused you to feel. His expression didn’t change, except for his eyes. They looked as sad as you felt. “Maybe I am,” he whispered.
This is heavy...
“I…” You went silent when he slid a hand up your torso and rested it on your chest. Could you play along to calm him down? “I guess we can go shopping. Nothing too fancy, right?” “Whatever makes you happy. I just want my girl to be happy.” He groaned when you willingly ran your fingers through his hair. “And you’ll love me like I love you. I know you will.”
This just makes my skin crawl 🥴
Hold You Tight: Part 11
Pairing: Club Owner!Bucky Barnes x Female Reader
Fic Summary: The owner of The 107th wants you to be his girl whether you like it or not.
Part 10 | Series Masterlist | Part 12
Chapter Summary: Bucky reveals a small piece of his past and also confirms one of your suspicions.
Chapter Word Count: Over 3.6k
Chapter Warnings: DARK AU, tension, unease, possessiveness, inner turmoil, gaslighting, manipulation, mention of stalking, slight feels, Bucky Barnes (he's a warning, okay?), more warnings to come.
A/N: More Hold You Tight and hope you enjoy! Bucky edit by the beautiful @nixakimbo . ❤️ Beta read by the lovely @whisperlullaby , but any and all mistakes are my own. Divider by the talented @firefly-graphics . Please follow @navybrat817-sideblog new fics and notifications. Comments, reblogs, feedback are loved and appreciated!
You busied yourself with orders after Clark left, but it didn’t stop you from looking toward the door every few minutes. You weren’t sure if you were expecting him to return or if you were anticipating Bucky arriving. Why were you allowing him to consume your thoughts again? You needed to concentrate on your job, the thing you loved and helped pay your bills.
Mrs. Crandle gave you a smile when you checked the time, too. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were excited to see this young man who thinks he’s your boyfriend,” she commented.
“I don’t know if excited is the word I’d use,” you said, trying to smile through your nerves. “Apprehensive, maybe?”
She hummed, looking over your recent arrangement with a proud gaze. “I can understand that. It’s been a bit since you’ve been in a relationship,” she said, giving your arm a small squeeze. “But don’t be too apprehensive, dear. It’s okay to let someone in.”
You bit your tongue when you wanted to blurt out that Bucky didn’t just let himself in. He tore through your life and made a home for himself in the ashes. But Mrs. Crandle meant well and didn’t know what was going on. “Well, he offered to be my date to Addison’s wedding and she was very happy to hear that.”
“Oh, I’ll bet she’s thrilled for you,” she said. Addison stopped by the shop a few times and your boss adored her and the friendship you two had. “And if I’m not mistaken, that’s your date walking in,” she smiled, nodding toward the door.
Your stomach dropped when Bucky entered the shop with a tender smile on his face. “Hi, doll,” he said, heading right to you and pressing a kiss to your forehead. “I hope I’m not too early to take you to lunch, but I don’t mind waiting if you’re busy.”
“Oh, it’s not too early at all,” Mrs. Crandle said before you could protest. “It’s nice to see such a fine young man take one of my best workers to lunch.”
Bucky put his right hand to his chest. “A fine young man? You flatter me, Mrs. Crandle. It is Mrs. Crandle, right?” He held the same hand out after she nodded. Of course, he knew her name. You almost smacked his arm away, not wanting the man who disrupted your life to touch your boss. “Everyone calls me Bucky. It’s nice to meet you.”
“It’s very nice to meet you, too,” she said, giving you a wink. One smile from the man and she was under his spell. “I hear the two of you may be attending Addison’s wedding together.”
You gave her a pointed look when Bucky smiled your way, wishing she hadn’t brought it up. She either ignored your stare or didn’t notice. “That’s the plan. I know the day will be all about Addison and Brady, as it should be, but my eyes will be on my girl,” Bucky smiled, giving the shop an appreciative look as your stomach flipped. “And it’s easy to see why she loves working here. You have a beautiful place.”
“Thank you. It really is a group effort to keep this place alive,” she said, turning her attention to you. “Well, what are you waiting for? Get your bag and go enjoy your lunch.”
“I can work through it. There are still a few orders to finish,” you protested, which was a reasonable excuse.
“I’m not making you work through lunch.” She looked offended by the very idea. And of course, she wouldn’t give you an out. Like most of your small circle of friends and loved ones, they wanted you to find a partner. “And don’t worry about the orders, dear. You two lovebirds go and take as long as you want.”
Lovebirds?
“I’ll try not to keep her too long,” Bucky said as you went to get your purse. “So, how long have you owned your shop?”
You blocked out the chatter between them, taking a breath to steady yourself. How many times had you imagined a boyfriend surprising you at work just because they wanted to take you to lunch? Or even just because they wanted to see you? You got your wish, didn’t you?
“I’ll be back soon,” you smiled as Bucky wrapped an arm around your lower back, crowding your space like always. Mrs. Crandle looked over the moon and you made sure the smile stayed on your face until Bucky led you out of the shop. “Sucking up to my boss? Really?”
Bucky chuckled. “I wasn’t sucking up. Just making conversation,” he said. The small conversation won her over. “And didn't you try to get Ray on your side this morning?”
He had a point, but you ignored it. “Where are we eating?” You asked, though you didn’t have much of an appetite.
“I got us a table at a cafe close by,” he said, tightening his arm around you. “I figured you wouldn’t want to go far in case you had to get back to work.”
“That’s thoughtful,” you said, though it was actually nice that he didn’t want you to venture far.
“I’m a thoughtful guy,” he teased. Making sure it was safe to go, he helped you cross the street. Ray stayed in the car, but you sensed him watching and wondered if he’d join you. “And I got us a private table on the back patio. No one should bother us.”
“They do private tables at this cafe?” You asked as he held the door open with a smirk. He probably threw a bit of money their way to make it happen and you almost wished there would be others around so you’d feel a bit more comfortable.
“Welcome, Mr. Barnes,” a woman smiled, not bothering to look your way as she grabbed a couple of menus. “We have your table set up if you’ll follow me,” she said, gesturing for you to head to the back.
Much like walking into the club, you felt out of place as you walked through the cafe. Not because it wasn’t your scene, but because of the special sort of treatment. You didn’t want it. Though the ambience of the fairy lights and privacy would’ve been sweet and romantic otherwise.
“The server should be here in a moment, but please let me know if you need anything,” the hostess smiled, her gaze lingering on Bucky as he pulled out your chair. “Anything at all, Mr. Barnes.”
You felt a bit small as you sat down and eyed the hostess. It was her job to be friendly, but she hadn’t exactly acknowledged you and made it obvious that she specifically wanted Bucky’s attention. You wouldn’t say you were jealous and part of you understood why she’d want him to look her way. Still, wouldn’t the general assumption be that you two were a couple?
We are not a couple.
You looked up at Bucky when he rested a hand on your shoulder, but there was nothing flirtatious or warm about the smile on his face. “If my girl or I need anything, we’ll say so,” he said in a cool and courteous tone.
“Of course.” The hostess faltered slightly as she set the menus down, but recovered quickly. “Enjoy,” she added, scurrying off.
Bucky’s hand lingered until she was out of sight. “I don’t appreciate that she didn’t look your way,” he said, shrugging his jacket off before he took a seat. You could see the tension in his shoulders, his gloved left hand flexing slightly. “It’s clear that we’re here together on a lunch date.”
Your eyes flickered to him as he looked over the menu, his jaw clenched. The hostess giving him attention bothered him much more than it bothered you. “It’s okay, Bucky,” you said.
“No, it’s not. It’s disrespectful. I’m here with you. I’m not interested in her or anyone else.” His eyes were as cold as ice when he pushed the menu away, making you shiver. “I’m not like my dad.”
“I know I’m the only one you see,” you said, reaching over to touch his hand. He took it the second it was within reach. You didn’t think he’d do anything to hurt or damage the hostess in any way over something harmless in your eyes, but maybe offering a bit of assurance would distract him. “I don’t know your dad, but I can sense that you aren’t him.”
At least, he wasn’t entirely like him. His ruthlessness came from something or someone. His dad may fit the bill.
“He cheated on my mom when she was nothing but good to him. She was good to everyone and he threw it back in her face,” he sneered. You could practically taste the bitterness from his words and it broke your heart. It was no wonder he wanted you to believe so badly that he’d be faithful to you. “And I’m glad that piece of shit will never lay eyes on you or anyone else.”
“I’m so sorry,” you said, aching for the pain his mom likely experienced and him by extension. Regardless of the man he was, he held his mom in high regard and she didn’t deserve an unfaithful partner. “I know that doesn’t change anything, but I am.”
Bucky’s gaze softened considerably. “I know you are and I appreciate that more than you know.” He rubbed a thumb over your skin, his shoulders starting to relax. “The cheating wasn’t even the worst of it,” he muttered before the server walked in with a pitcher of water.
What else did his dad do?
“Hi. I’ll be taking care of you today,” the server smiled, sweeping a look over both of you as he poured each of you a glass. Bucky barely smiled back. He didn’t want people ignoring you, but he didn’t want gazes lingering for too long either. “Have you had a chance to look over the menu or would you like something else to drink?”
“I’m fine with water and I think we’re ready,” you said, pointing out one of the entrees. You didn’t want to draw out lunch longer than it had to be. “Thank you.”
“I’ll have the same. And take your time,” Bucky said, handing the menus back. His smile didn’t brighten again until the server left. “Talking about my dad is dampening the mood. How’s work going today?”
The subject change was jarring, but you imagined he didn’t want to dwell on the unpleasant topic. It also wasn’t a good time to ask about his mom and the flowers. “Work is fine.”
“Just fine?”
You debated if you should say anything about Clark. You didn’t want him on Bucky’s radar, but what if Bucky somehow found out and you didn’t say anything? Telling him was the better option. “Well, there’s a regular customer who stopped in. He’s going through a break-up and actually tried to give me a couple of roses since I was kind to him, but I didn’t take them,” you explained, trying not to make a big deal of it.
The glint in Bucky’s eyes made you nervous, but you knew any malice wasn't aimed your way. “He tried to give you roses and you didn’t take them?” He asked evenly.
“No, I didn’t. I told him to give them to someone else as I’m very much not interested in getting flowers. Except maybe from you,” you assured him, his lips twitching up. That was a good sign. “What about you? How’s work?” You added, hoping to shift the topic back to him.
A moment of silence passed before he nodded. “If he persists or bothers you, let me know first thing and I’ll take care of it,” he said. You had a feeling the topic of Clark was far from done and you didn’t want to know how he’d take care of it. “I do have to go to the club late tonight, but I was thinking we could go shopping after your shift.”
“Shopping?” You raised an eyebrow. “Shopping for what?”
“I did offer to get you a new outfit for your girls day,” he said, rubbing circles on your hand. “And a collar.”
The nagging feeling in the back of your mind went off. That was the second time he brought that up. One would think he was doing it on purpose. “You know, I mentioned you getting me a collar, but that was something I said when I was alone this morning. Along with a couple of other things you've mentioned, it’s too much of a coincidence to me that you’re suggesting it,” you said carefully, sitting up straighter. “Do you have cameras or something in my home? Be honest, please.”
He observed you, almost in morbid curiosity as you waited for him to respond. You knew what the answer was going to be, but you wanted to believe your paranoia was getting to you. “First, your apartment isn’t your home. The penthouse is going to be our home together and maybe that’ll finally sink in once you’re living there,” he answered, your eyes wide. “And second, of course I have bugs around your place. Visual, audio, you name it. I’m not exactly trying to hide that I’m watching you as much as possible.”
You felt sick at the admission, thankful that you hadn’t eaten anything. How much did he see and hear? Did he listen to your talk with Addison? Watch you shower? Sleep? He continued to violate your privacy and had no shame at all in doing so. Enough was enough.
“You’re not exactly trying to hide it? You hid it by not telling me!” You accused him, the gaslighting bastard. “How could you do that?”
He shrugged, which only upset you more. “Mentioning the collar was a pretty big hint. Do you really think I’d bring it up if I didn’t want you to know I was watching or listening in?”
“You…” You let out a breath and swallowed back tears. He really did want you to know. “You want me to feel scared, don't you, like when you broke in. Because when you scare me or make me feel uneasy, you can control me more and get me to do what you want. You’re sick.”
He reached out and gripped your hand again before you could push yourself away from the table. “I thought we established that I’m not trying to control you. How many times do I have to say it?”
“And yet everything you do says otherwise,” you said. It was all a tactic to him. A game. “When will your actions back up your words?”
“I told you this morning my place is safer than yours. The security measures in your building are a joke. Do you realize how easy it was for me to get in and to break into your place? I hardly broke a sweat and that means anyone could get in and get to you. So, yes, there are devices in place so I can make sure you’re safe when I’m not there.” He shook his head at your glare. His reasoning didn’t excuse his actions. “I understand if you’re mad at me, but I did say I won’t give you a choice when it comes to your safety and I won’t apologize for that either.”
You stared at each other, his gaze as firm as his stance. As much as you wanted to throw something, the dishes weren’t yours and you didn’t want to create a mess for the staff to clean up. “You’re really telling yourself you’re watching me for my protection? Who the hell is going to protect me from you, Bucky?” You took a breath when his eyes widened, as if your words hurt him. “No one, with the exception of you, is going to break into my place for any reason. I have nothing of value there, except for the necklace you gave me.”
“You are valuable,” he said, squeezing your hand and resolute in that belief. “How can you not see that?”
“Because I’m just a regular person and there’s nothing wrong with that.” Your voice shook, but you couldn't stop. “With the exception of you, no one will look twice at me, let alone break into my place.”
He shook his head. “You don’t know that.”
“No, I don’t because life is unpredictable and watching me doesn’t guarantee that nothing will happen to me,” you said, narrowing your eyes in thought. “Is this really about protecting me or are you projecting what your dad did to your mom on me? Do you think I won’t be faithful to you in this ‘relationship’ you think we have, so you have to watch me at all times to prove I’m yours?”
Bucky made a sound like you hit him and asking was a bit of a low blow, but it was a possibility. “Kotyonok, you’re one of the most loyal and faithful people I know. You’d never do anything to make me question that.”
“You trust me?” You asked softly. He nodded without hesitation. “Then help me trust you. Get the devices out of my place for starters since you had no right to put them there to begin with. Please, get rid of them.”
You’d never feel completely safe or comfortable there again, you hadn't since he broke in, but he had to give you that.
“I'll get rid of them,” he said after a moment.
That felt too easy, but you felt relief all the same. “Thank you. That's-”
“After you move into the penthouse because I'm not going to give a shit about the people who move into your apartment after you,” he clarified.
You swallowed thickly. He was never going to budge. “You sit there and act like you’re a decent guy because you haven’t forced yourself on me and you won’t raise a hand to me, but you’re still a monster,” you said, your gaze vulnerable and open. He had to see how upset you were, how he caused you to feel.
His expression didn’t change, except for his eyes. They looked as sad as you felt. “Maybe I am,” he whispered.
The server chose the perfect time to show up with your meals. “Here we are!” he announced, setting the food down and taking no notice of the heavy tension between you and Bucky. “Enjoy.”
Neither of you spoke as you ate, but he watched you expectantly. He wasn’t going to change his mind about the bugs in your apartment or anything else and he didn’t deserve your fire. So you had nothing to say. Nothing at all. You were exactly what he called you: a doll.
“Don’t you dare,” he finally spoke when you took money out of your wallet and set it on the table. “This is a date and I’m paying.”
“This isn’t a date, Bucky, no matter how much you want it to be,” you said quietly, his eyes flashing. “And I need to go back to work.”
You gasped when he bent the fork he held in his left hand, your heart pounding in fear as you looked around. The server hadn’t been back to check on you and the two of you were all alone. What was he going to do? “What? You think I’m going to hurt you after I promised I wouldn’t?” He asked, setting the destroyed utensil down. “Because I’m a monster, right?”
“I didn’t…” You couldn’t say you didn’t mean it because you did, but deep down it wasn’t your intention to make him angry. You should’ve known better, but your emotions were getting the better of you when you had to play it smart.
“A monster who hurts people?” He asked in a deep voice you didn’t recognize. “Kills people?”
You gripped the sides of your chair, fear creeping in more. “Bucky, what are you talking about?” You whispered. Why was he saying that?
He blinked and shook his head. “Why won’t you just let me love you?” He asked, suddenly getting up to round the table. He pulled your chair out before you could get up and dropped to his knees, uncaring of ruining his pants. “All I want is you,” he whispered, resting his head in your lap.
Your body went taut when his hands moved up your thighs. Did he remember or care that you were at a cafe? “I-I know you want me.”
“I know the bugs in your place are upsetting and I know I’m being stubborn about it, so let me make it up to you a little bit, please?” He asked, lifting his head to gaze at you. “Let me take you shopping tonight. Let me spoil you.”
“I…” You went silent when he slid a hand up your torso and rested it on your chest. Could you play along to calm him down? “I guess we can go shopping. Nothing too fancy, right?”
“Whatever makes you happy. I just want my girl to be happy.” He groaned when you willingly ran your fingers through his hair. “And you’ll love me like I love you. I know you will.”
You waved off the server when he tried to check on you and gave Bucky a shaky smile. You’d go shopping with him, keep him happy, and pray he wouldn’t continue to suffocate you with his version of love. It was too late though. The very oxygen you breathed now was what he fed into your lungs. And the monster that lurked beneath the surface, the one who needed you, was eventually going to break through and get what he wanted.
Maybe he’d get a taste tonight.
So, I wanted a bit of action in this part, but the muse refused. I swear the conversations are happening for a reason and we may see some action during the shopping trip. What are we going to do knowing your place really is bugged? And is he going to look into Clark more? Love and thanks for reading! ❤️
Masterlist ⚓ Bucky Barnes Masterlist ⚓ Ko-Fi
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Hws Nordics as University Students Headcanons
Because I am a suffering student and you need to suffer with me <3
Denmark
The clown of the group
Has trouble focusing/paying attention
Will use other Nordics in group study session with the goal of body doubling to keep each other in check and focused, but often devolves to laughing and banter instead
Offers good moral support and asks a lot of questions in class, has great participation marks, but can go off topic
Rallies people to meet when need to discuss group projects, again he is great moral support
When writing he either cannot write anything or speed types and hyperfocuses, no in-between
Appears self-confident and social but can actually struggle with self esteem and seeming like he's incompetent or "too much" for people, tries to compensate by being extra likeable and useful
Bonds with people over humor, socializing and making friends are more important than grades to him
Only chooses classes that interest him, does surprisingly well as a result
The most likely of the Nordics to be late for class
Goes to a lot of college parties
Sweden
The mom of the group, always checking in on people and making sure everyone feels included
Reformed high school bully, but still gossips with Norway about classmates and faculty
Has very high standards for himself and his work, will force people in his group projects to do at least 2 rounds of editing
Can really get in the zone and hyperfocuses when studying, but to do that he needs his noise cancelling headphones, his stim toy, perfect room temperature, comfy study clothes, and his daily ritual to actually start
Refuses to pull all-nighters to finish assignments, sleep is more important to him (king)
Is professional with group projects, is calm and good with delegating work
At the same time, he is very opinionated and loves to debate people in and out of class. Often argues with specific students
Easily overwhelmed from noises, activities, and group projects, needs to find quiet places to hide
Gets good grades, professors either love him or forget he exists
Is part of some interest clubs, like for art and woodworking
Norway
The mysterious hottie who sits in the back of class
Hates group projects, doesn't contribute much to them unless it's with his favourite people (other Nordics, specifically Sweden)
Doesn't contribute much in class, but when he does it is good
The class health nut, goes out for 6 am and 11 pm jogs (he is insane)
Also tbh he gives off the vibe of someone who'd be a health nut but also really into drugs at the same time?? Like he does sports and yoga and tracks his water consumption and macros but at the same time experiments with drugs to "expand his spiritual worldview"?
Is fine with concentration, doesn't really struggle unless there's a lot going on in his head at the time
On that topic, he frequents the counseling and medical clinic. There have been rumors about his frequent medical visits...
His writing is okay, nothing to write home about, but then sometimes can get very poetic and profound, especially when it's a personal topic
Gossips a lot with Sweden, they like to people watch together
Skips a lot of classes, somehow still passes
Finland
Perfectionist and an over-achiever, bases a lot of his self-worth on grades. Will get upset if he gets anything below an A-
Can feel like he's in a competition with classmates for good grades and approval from professors, will ask a lot of questions and tries to start discussions in class
Will talk to the professor right after the end of the 1st class to introduce himself and establish dominance
Tries to humble brag about school and his work ethic by telling classmates how often he crams and pulls all-nighters
Very anxious about grades, always does well (at the cost of his mental health)
Mostly sustains himself on energy drinks and coffee
Doesn't like group projects because he thinks no one else cares about doing well as much as he does
This isn't helped by the fact that he has trust issues and thinks others will let him down
Frequents the counseling center and medical clinic on campus. The former because of stress and trauma which worsens school stress, the latter because of medical issues as a result of said stress
Professors either love him or hate him
Despite how he acts in class he's actually a people-pleaser, but his over-achieving nature can be hard to deal with
Goes to the campus gym at least once a week to lift weights, probably part of the school hockey club
If he survives, will pursue graduate school
Iceland
The freshman, trying to figure things out
Thinks that because he did well in high school he'll have an easy time in university (he won't and will be humbled)
Sits in the back of class but secretly wants to sit up front with the "nerds", doesn't want to risk making a fool of himself
Overanalyzes group projects and panics. Double/triple checks his work before sending in his contributions because he wants to seem competent in their eyes
Usually reserved but once he opens up will say the most out of pocket things, sometimes it slips in his quiet phase
Surprisingly, is among the worst of the Nordics in terms of grades. This is mainly because he is unconfident in his own work and views, so he often ends up self-sabotaging his work or doing the bare minimum
His friends are his main priority in school, not grades
Like Fin, is a people-pleaser. Unlike Fin, he is easy to get along with
#hetalia#hws nordics#hws denmark#hws sweden#hws norway#hws finland#hws iceland#soap is talking#headcanon#headcanons#hetalia headcanons
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In Act 2 of Lempicka when Tamara and Rafaela enter Le Monocle for the first time they look around at all the women together and Rafaela says “a room full of nothing but US” and Tamara says “let’s never leave” and guys I just went to a lesbian bar for the first time (okay it’s actually a deli but they turn it into a lesbian bar at night) and GUYS? That is the safest I have ever felt out drinking and dancing and I felt so natural and I was surrounded by other queer women and that’s. That’s the first actual queer space I’ve been to in YEARS and especially post-pandemic. And I’m feeling such an overwhelming mix of emotions right now because I didn’t realize how isolated I felt from the queer community in my day to day life (ie not online). I just. God.
Dedicated queer spaces are so important. Lesbian bars are so important. This is the only one I’ve been to but I’m VERY aware that these days there are fewer and fewer of them but I just. I didn’t know how badly this kind of place and experience and connection to community was missing from my life until I suddenly had it tonight.
#also within ten minutes of walking in a woman came over to ask me about my Lempicka tattoo#rip lempicka gone too soon#honestly I don’t think I would’ve agreed to go out tonight if it weren’t for the amount of reflection and reckoning I’ve been doing#since seeing lempicka for the second time#I wouldn’t have been so gutted about its closing if it hadn’t made me feel so SEEN and UNDERSTOOD#and the scene at le monocle is like a microcosm of that within the show#with all of the women approaching Tamara about how her art#her paintings of women#make them feel seen#like that is that show and that was this night for me#thinking about how repressed and isolated I really am in my personal life#and how quickly a show like Lempicka gets taken away from us#it really made me think like ‘shit.’#if I don’t find a way to connect and engage with the queer community it is entirely possible that something awful will happen#and I’ll never have the chance to#like I need to just fucking live and find it instead of staying at home and wondering#I am very much an introvert#and I am very much not one for going clubbing#not that this was a club per se#but it’s the kind of thing where every once in awhile I know I need to push myself#I need to make myself go out#because when I do I have moments like this#lempicka#lempicka musical#lempicka broadway#tamara de lempicka
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sorry i cant understand that well and i absoLUTELY agree about the stadium i would rather call it the big tin can like everyone else 😭
in terms of what i said about the sun i was talking about general controversy and how theyre affiliated with liverpool-not saying it proves anything, sorry my english isnt that good when i read things💔
i can’t tell if you were talking about me doing the cherry picking because if it seemed like that i am so sorry😭since you are scouse if it seemed im being biased i am also very sorry
going back on what i said i know it is impossible to compare (if that is what conflate means😥) to compare their political issues-real madrid is like pretty much one of the most controversial clubs aside from barca, or something like mk dons(i had to think about clubs that had strong ties with their fanbase, mk dons came to mind😭💀)
i also massively agree with the working class ethic liverpool has and how it contributes to the club, trent’s statements dont mean shit now clearly, although i hate madrid being called a glory club-as i said, players often come for more success. telling someone you wouldn’t rather be anywhere else than liverpool, your boyhood club then basically admitting to transfer rumors to another massive club and openly provoking them is, like you said, very misleading
coming from the part of me that loves madrid, going back to politics, i promise you hardly any of us support the past things the club has done, i dont like having our stadium being named after a subhuman fascist either. i promise we are not all like that, especially not now, since football is getting much more social and inclusive. again, if trent comes to madrid, hopefully he still openly exudes the love for his former club, like cr7, beckham, henry, zizou etc do/did.❤️
trents also my favorite player!! hes the reason i play right back, hes wonderful, i would be ecstatic too if he came to our club, but the other half of me supports the argument of this entire post. hopefully he realizes he hasnt quite made sense of his love for liverpool when making so much fuss about a transfer
really don’t think a lot of people understand why lfc fans are so devastated by the thought of trent leaving
it’s not just because he’s an academy product, and him leaving on a free for more money and glory would mean that all the shit he’s spent his whole career spouting about how much he loves the club & the fans & the city and how much he values the endless support he’s always gotten from the fans will have all been bullshit.
it’s also that, if he goes to Madrid, it’ll show that he genuinely never gave a shit about the club’s values, or at least thinks so little of the club and its fans that he’s willing to undermine its morals as a club for the people, by the people, about the people, a club that has been a source of pride for a long-oppressed and long-exploited city & community in order to move to a club literally built on oppression and totalitarianism and facism, and which has been a tool of propaganda for the elite for decades.
if he throws his legacy away by leaving on a free, thus fucking the club itself over as well, for more money and more glory and more trophies, that’s his decision to make, but he can say goodbye to any lfc fan with a basic grasp on the values of the club honoring him as a legend in the slightest, and he can say goodbye to any goodwill the city has for him.
it’s really hard to say all this, because trent’s been my favorite player for years, but i just don’t understand how anyone could still see him in the same light if he goes running the second Madrid calls him.
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Wish I liked that system I met at the gay club but unfortunately I only like the host cuz all her alters are annoying and rude 😔😔
#the host is suchhhh a sweetie but the alters tell me to shut up and try to use me for sex and such#also the last time we went to the club the one alter was THROWINGGGGG his thirsty ass at our one friend who wants me so bad#but she doesn't want that alter or anyone in the system. and i don't want her (our friend) cuz i want the system host#so it's basically a marla singer/the narrator/tyler durden situation‚ yeah#and i do not want to be involved in any poly drama so Friend and System can enjoy their bullshit idc. fuuuuck that shit#however i am going to get piercings with Friend this weekend and i am very **slightly** into her so 🤷♀️ how uninvolved am i really#not that it matters that much bc System is in a different state for school rn and uhhhhhhh#thank FUCKING god for that. the situation was getting dire#no more drama 🥰#personal
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Your writing is always great, I need you to write something to either making us optimistic about the future of the club or to make us realize how much in deep shit we actually are please 😭
Babe, just browse through my La Liga 2022/2023 tag and mourn with me. 💕
#funnily enough I’d say this: we’ve been in deep shit since FOREVER.#the way Barcelona works (ie deep issues within structure and management) goes back DECADES.#we are spectacularly mismanaged and unprofessional on top of having a victim hood complex.#the environment - whether mediatic or politic - surrounding the club is an utter and disfunctional nightmare.#in every club’s environnement there has existed corruption and favouring friends in positions you want them in#but it is especially the case for this club.#needless to say I am not saying all of fcb’s issues stem solely from itself and no exterior factors have ever influenced it.#a historically left wing club / figure head for a region/independentism movement / opposing centralism which controls the league/refs etc.#however as culers we tend to majorly - and rightfully - highlight the latest part without ever daring to question our precious multimil club#both factors (internal and external) have to be taken into account to understand ‘the deep shit’.#that said now. as I’ve said this *is not new*. we’ve had those issues for DECADES and yet this club became what it is today.#we’ve reached highest of highs and lowest of lows while dealing with aforementioned factors.#so my very tired take this evening is to chill out; nothing we can do but watch unfold.#perhaps once again La Masia youngsters and lucky choices of coach will drag us up. perhaps new political president conflict still battling#over cruyff’s heritage or against it will bring forth a good one; perhaps not.#overall a very Chill to us all.#we’re facing greatness and decadence and been on both sides of the coin; and there’s reassurance in knowing in both case we still did great.#this club has been rotting since mid 50s and you just have to roll with it and wait for the cycles to come and go.#anon ask#sorry it doesn’t make much sense rn I’ll talk about it more later. or NOT
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"Hello Mr Holmes," says Wiggins, "have you heard from your brother recently?" "No, I have not, why? What is he up to now?" "We're not entirely certain, but he's been missing since yesterday morning." "He often goes missing Mr Wiggins. He will turn up again."
I just finished playing the final case of Sherlock Holmes Consulting Detective: Baker Street Irregulars and boy howdy it was amazing. If you've never tried this board game, I can't recommend it enough. This final case took us about eight hours to finish, it killed us to put it aside each day unfinished.
"Wiggins," says Mycroft suddenly as we are just on our way out. We turn back and are surprised to see a pleading, almost desperate, look in his eyes. "Find Sherlock," he says, "and find him quickly." Circle the letter H.
#sherlock holmes#mycroft#mycroft holmes#holmes siblings#baker street irregulars#wiggins#sherlock holmes consulting detective game#board game#diogenes club#i just love getting a whole game that focuses on the irregulars they're Very Good and i love them a lot#it was such a cleverly made game it's so satisfying#i already have another box bought and ready to go now that i've finished this one#some cases we rocked and some we totally bombed#but we had an almost perfect score on this last one and i am SO pleased with us#watch me spend this much time on this picture and then impulsively post it at stupid oclock at night when no one will see it#why am i like this#acd holmes#acd mycroft
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one of my mates sent me a demo of theirs earlier today and i just got round to listening to it holy shit my friends are so talented ?????
#once again though i am reminded that anything even remotely influenced by the early 00s#emo/post-hardcore scene is very much up my alley and always will be#but yes i have good musician friends and good writer friends and good photographer friends and one friend that basically runs the media dept#at one of the local non league football clubs all these people have their Thing and here i am with about four#different things i am incredibly passionate about. i may not be as good at them but what i lack in skill#i make up for in heart. i think#anyway before i get too sidetracked. idk how many people got sent this demo but i really hope they try putting a band together for it +#their other stuff. it would go so hard live i can feel it (also i will totally try and squeeze my way in if this becomes a solid project 💀#what can i say i can play both guitar and bass ofc i'd do it)
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i was so set on replaying veilguard for the davrinmance but oh my god im SO attached to my agent-of-fenharel hardingmancer rn i actually think the choice is out of my hands lol
#oc: evander#datv#tay plays datv#datv spoilers#deia's brother btw !!!! very much giving anders vibes if anders was kind of deadbeat oldest son who frequents the club#him having sold out the inquisition on solas's instruction and then falling for one of the scouts who was hurt the most by it#very much a mirror to solavellan except theyre literally just people and ultimately victims of their leader's organizations overarching war#and harding being sympathetic to solas enough to reach evanders conscience even during Peak radicalization#but holding solas accountable enough to potentially sway evanders mind#and then evander learning the truth about solas but also specifically what that means for harding the person hes grown to love#having to reconcile that his own rebel-fantasy is not more important than the very real pain his loved ones have gone thru as a result#and like figuring out what going forward looks like. is he STILL sympathetic but its tempered? or does he go full anti-solas in an act of#redemption which would also probably involve him telling harding to embrace her anger and not her loving side?? which is kind of the invers#of his own arc.#GOD.#AND THEN ITS LIKE. DO I KILL OFF HARDING AT THE END???? THAT WOULD BE SOOOOO CRAZY FOR THE *STORY*#i think she has to live actually bc i hate the fridged wife trope and solas Is ultimately redeemed in this worldstate#and if harding died bc of solas (and evanders varricmancer sister also lost varric) evander WOULD be team kill immediately no exceptions#but still food for thought#god. chat i am fucking COOKING today this is crazy#hes not technically my rook bc he works way better in the story as a ~companion~ to deia (his sister) the actual protag#but both he and matthas (the other pro-inquisition brother) could arguably have been the Rook as well.#all 3 of the mercar siblings were AT the ritual but for different reasons (evander to aid solas. matthas to kill solas. deia to stop him)#so MAYBE I WILL romance harding instead this time...... how are we feeling abt hardings romance babes is it good. do we recommend
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i just don’t understand. why say ur ready to talk if you aren’t?
can u believe this post is what got me to reach tag limit
#vaugepostimg on main about an irl don’t mind me#i just. am feeling sad bcus i have been trying to keep my distance and respect the space they said they needed. and then they reached out to#me for their book club and said we should chat and i got excited! i miss my friend of course i got excited#still let them take the lead. i want them to be comfortable. they said they’d lmk what day they were free#and then proceeded to ghost me for like. almost two weeks??#(it was 10 days but !!! still!!! almost 2 weeks from them suggesting i come to book club which would’ve inherently necessitated an irl talk#and then after all that yesterday said they actually weren’t ready which. hurted#tbf i knew something was up after like 2 days of them not replying so it’s not like i was fully caught off guard it just really hurt#and like i feel weird bcus our social circles are really overlapped and i spent a lot of time with them last winter and i had thought#that would happen again this winter. we would swim together a lot and i consistently went to their house dinners#bcus if i care about you i show up! and i’m understanding ! bcus i am patient and kind person and as a triple taurus i’m not tryna rush ever#especially when it comes to people’s emotions ??? especially if someone has told me i hurt them???? like ik im an autistic lesbian but#despite popular conceptions on that particular identity. im not fucking evil ????? if you ask for space i will give you space !!!!!#and like when it comes to emotions and conflict i’m blunt but i’m caring and it takes a lot for me to be disinfranchised by people#or relationships. so i’m not saying i don’t want to still be her friend#i’m just. noticing behaviors#they did tell me that they were very avoidant in conflict and i told them i’m very much not and like. now that i’m on the receiving end of i#idk what to do!! i’m not gonna chase her down like they’re grown!! and again!!! if you ask for space i’m going to respect that!!!#and like honestly. i’m happy she at least gave me the curtesy of saying they weren’t ready to talk even if it took her mad long to do it#so like. who tf knows when we’ll talk. if ever. probably when she wants the validation of our friendship if it even happens at all#bcus again. she reached out not to reconnect and clear the air but to check if i still wanted to come to her club she was starting#ik in earlier conversations she was worried no one would come but ig she found people. which like good for her tbh but to be honest i feel#discarded?? i’m feeling like i’m failing to not project too much so i gotta stop but idk man i’m just feeling weird about it all#and then i had the thought today of like. is this what i want in a friendship? someone who goes back and forth abt whether or not i’m worth#which again. kinda wasn’t expecting that bcus we spent so much time together last autumn/winter/spring like. many times per week!!!#so the idea of not being her friend all of a sudden?? feels fucjing weird to think about#but like? i don’t want to feel this way this is what i hate about west coast/white people conflict resolution!! there fucking isn’t any!!!#and i can’t deal with that! i can’t spend my life with people who aren’t going to engage with me as a person who cares about them#humans are fallible creatures and were only here on earth for so long so why are we wasting time here? what is the point of all this ???????#but then the guilt and shame say i deserve it all and at that point i just need to stop so. i’m gonna stop now lol
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i'm begging my uni to stop making every fucking student social activity something where you have to walk around a bunch if you are a slow walker who cannot help it they literally want you dead
#i try to walk as fast as i humanly can. which i shouldn't bc it hurts and makes me dizzy. and i'm still slower than everyone else#last week we divided into groups and had to walk to checkpoints around the city to do tasks#i had a friend in my group who knows abt my issues and they walked slower with me which was nice. everyone else walked like 10 20 meters#ahead and it was fucking embarrassing bc for every checkpoint they had to wait for me#and i felt bad my friend couldn't talk to anyone else in the group bc they were zooming way ahead of us and i'm the one who couldn't keep up#and like. they didn't know my body's fucked. but these are people i do not know well at all and maybe i don't wanna disclose my medical#history to everyone i interact with#and like this event wasn't mandatory. i could've skipped it#but it's every fucking time#most nights we end up going to a bar and to these people “walking distance” is like a half an hour. and they walk fast#i can never keep up#i don't reallu enjoy bars either and i don't drink but you just kinda have to endure to socialize. some days i can't handle it tho#this week there's another checkpoint type activity. i know i shouldn't. i know i'm gonna slow everyone down#but i got specifically asked and invited to be a part of a team. i can't remember the last time that happened#also we're doing a group costume and mine includes platform heels on the streets of a very old city i am so cooked#my friend is nice tho. they know the basic lore and check up on me a bunch which always catches me off guard 😭#i'm used to pushing through and also used to people not really taking my shit into consideration so i don't know how to respond sometimes#2 people in the group know the issues and i just sent the gc a “sorry in advance i can't walk very fast” so like what else is there to do#only accessibility info we're ever given is if it's wheelchair accessible. and that's good. like you should do that. but it kinda ends there#like how much walking is there. where are the stops. are there places to sit.#i love having to either push through or be excluded disabilities are awesome#been in soooo much pain lately and have to take breaks walking uphill. functional body#i live in an area where everything. literally everything. is uphill one way or another. so as you can imagine it's going great#also “you have to endure to socialize” as if i don't end up hovering around my friend like a lost puppy with separation anxiety anyway#the group costume is winx club. btw
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pro: ran into a coworker at a bar last night who I don’t really talk to usually (he works upstairs, I work downstairs) and we talked and im pretty sure we were highkey flirting and he bought me a drink and the bar merch shirt i was interested in and thanks to the power of alcohol i guess i asked for his number and he gladly gave it to me and. yeah
con: i have the second worst hangover i have ever had and have been fighting for my fucking life just to eat saltines
#it’s getting better but only now that it’s like. 6pm#as weird as it sounds part of why this sucks is that I volunteered to come into work today cause there’s a concert going on nearby which#usually means we’re at least somewhat busy -> make better tips#and I couldn’t go in because well. you know#I’ve been sick and dying in bed all day unable to move or eat or anything#let alone take the bus and go to work#but. as much as I wish I didn’t go this overboard I don’t totally regret last night cause.#yeah. potential thing going on with cute coworker guy. OH and potential job opportunity at my favorite bar in town#apparently said coworker Also has a job at the bar in addition to where we both work and the bar is hiring barbacks at entry-level#so I have someone to vouch for me and the bartender we were talking to seemed to really want me to apply too#one thing that’s kinda funny to me about all this is that the first two places (a bar then a club) we were at felt really mid because they#were packed with way too many straight people (at a gay bar and a gay club)#but the bar we ended up at (where we ALWAYS end up at. it is the oasis. it is the only thing I can rely on) felt. like. not overwhelmingly#straight? at all? I mean part of it’s just luck in a way with just who happened to be there and all that but it’s also that the staff seem#pretty significantly populated with queer ppl#I complained to the bartender about how the club we were at (one of the biggest gay clubs in the city- if not The biggest) just felt kinda#meh because yeah maybe there were some guys dancing in jockstraps and whatever but the crowd itself like. did not feel largely queer#or at least didn’t have the spirit I’d hope for in a queer space if that makes sense. felt very conventional. not enough wild outfits and#makeup and gender fuckery and so on#and the bartender was like dude I KNOW right? I went off outside there once about the invasion of cishets when this space isn’t FOR them#and so on and so forth. and god that was So real.#so the experience at my beloved bar last night was like. 1) guy comes up behind me just to order a drink but i was saving a seat for my#friend who was in the bathroom and mentioned that in case he was looking to take the seat. chatted a little. ended with him pointing out#that a guy nearby was trying to holla at me.#2) I look over and yes. the dj is. in fact. looking directly at me and mouthing the lyrics to whatever song was playing pointed my way.#it was pretty sweet honestly I think it was partly cause I looked like I was shy and alone#3) whatever gay shit was going on with my coworker and i. amusingly he seems to get more flamboyant when he drinks just like i do.#im not 100% sure what his sexuality is but i Am 100% sure it is Not straight. but yeah. if it hadn’t been so close to closing time ive been#hardcore wondering where that would’ve gone. maybe its for the best that i had to go when i did cause i was pretty drunk and who knows when#I could’ve hit the amount of drunk it takes to like outright say hey just so you know i’d suck your dick right now if you wanted
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Everytime I face a new character limit on a website that didn't have them before/used to have really long ones... AUGHHhhh the modern social media world was not made for people like me (lovers of details, rambling, elaboration, thorough explanation, and nuance)
#twitter and other short form shit and everything being a Phone App On Small Screen instead of a Proper#Computer Website i feel like has just ruined the format of literally everything for me. Thoughts just keep getting more and more condensed#with detail and nuance taken away. everything over simplified into only the basics. blah blah blah. I've already probably rambled about thi#all before but it's just SO frustrating. I literally just CAN NOT talk that way!!! even if I try!!! I took multiple advanced placement#english & language arts classes in school and I literally never made below an A on any assignment EVER except for ESSAYS#where I would legit get almost failing grades just because I cannt express myself concisely. I took an english placement test thats made to#like evaluate your competency in a subject and out of the 102 multiple choice questions I only missed TWO of them. almost a perfect#score. But for the 5 open response questions (about articulating thoughts succinctly) I did not get a single one of them lol#I only got partial credit on 3. It's like I OBVIOUSLY understand the material and I know how Words Work and how to analyze and interpret#meaning and etc. etc. But it's just when I have to express myself CLEANLY I can't. It's always ''well you have very good points and you#get around to the idea eventually and I think it's very insightful - but it just needs to be shorter/the side tangent needs to be removed/#etc.'' I've always wondered if it has something to do with being on the schizophrenia spectrum and how that can cause disorganized#speech sometimes hmm..ANYWAY.. But I just naturally express myself in a very particular way which is lengthy and I can't rea#ly seem to control it. So it's basically like just.. being gradually pushed out of every place that won't accomodate people with different#ways of like perceiving and expressing or etc. Everything cannot ALWAYS be 100% 'Short and Snappy and To The Point' or a quippy one#liner or the Bare Minimum of information being provided or etc. Some peoples brains just do not work like that!!!!! Sorry I operate#in detail and elaboration lol. ANYWAY.. I still sometimes use random ''dating sites'' like OKCupid to look for platonic friends since#I never leave the house so it's hard for me to just meet friends naturally. And I just realized today that they added a RIDICULOUSLY small#character limit to their messaging system (2000 words?? augh). And also took away answer explanations (when you answer a compatibility#question you used to have a space to give detail and explain why you answered the way you did) and removed a few other features and it's ju#t like.. how the fuck is any of this actually helpful in terms of judging compatibility? take away ALL nuance and anyting that actually#is meant to tell you anything about a person? Bumble's character limits for your profile description are even more fucking insane and so#is every other disgustingly minimalistic place I've seen like.. OKC used to be superior BECAUSE it allowed for a TON of detail. like back i#2016 or something there was SO much data you could look at. long form question answers. personality trait summaries. etc. Now you have#SOO little to judge off of when evaluating compatibiility it's like. You'd have better luck just throwing a dart in a crowded street and#talking to whoever it hits. Why are people so fucking allergic to reading anything longer than 3 words and providing DETAILS!! It just seem#harder and harder to find any place to meet platonic friends where you have any amount of actual data to go off of and it isnt basically#just random 'speed dating' set up shit. AARGH. &I know 'oh just join a club& meet ppl irl' 1. erm..covid. 2.I mostly want to meet ppl#in places I'd like to move so I already know ppl when I get there. You kind of HAVE to do that online. bc I am not there yet.. WISHING for#Complexity.Com where ppl can upload full 900 page psychological files of themselves. MINIMUM profile character limit 30k words lol
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Most of my state is in a heat advisory and it was fine when I started walking, but once I switched to running it got too hot so I cut it at a mile. If it cools off this evening, I'll go for a longer walk to reach my step goal for today.
It's been two months since I last ran due to stress and medical stuff, but I'm glad to back up and (literally) running.
I started adding some yoga too to help my body recover and increase my mobility/flexibility. Ive also been trying to at the very least make it out every day to go for a walk until i reach 8000-10000 steps. I want to try some intermittent fasting but it's a little challenging when my part time summer job involves making catering orders 😬
Glad to be back with it, though! 😊
Sw:188.7
Cw. 181.5
Gw1: 175
Gw4: 145
#wellness#weightloss#health & fitness#fitblr#losing weight#weight loss journey#runblr#running#exercise#fitness#update#its been a minute#i am glad my weight has been being consistent even though i havent been trying too much#i would like to get down 10 pounds#i am moving in a month so I'm going to focus my efforts more for the next two weeks so its not such a difficult transition later#and o think it would be helpful to do intermittent fasting#a couple of colleagues did that and were very successful#if i could get to that point for grad school that would be helpful#i have been eating well for the most part#my vice being having eggs in the morning on toast#and sometimes i just want a subway to jjs sandwich because its hot outside#otherwise ive been good!#so well get there#hopefully in a year i will be closer toy weight#having a gym will help too#and one in my new apartment building#runblog#nike run club#i initially went for a walk but my boyfriend suggested doing some running since ive been meaning to ease back into it
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Sometimes I still think about how sweet it was when that anon checked on me last year when I was posting overly dark jokes. Thank you whoever you were, that was kind
#i am so much better now but last year was a bad one for me#there was a time in the fall where i literally couldn't get out of bed just because it felt pointless#anyway my mom also forced me to make a doctors appointment and luckily my doctor is super kind and got me on a good medication#but it also was just from stuff like losing my job struggling in school and going through the hurricane etc#im just so glad that i was pushed through that by concerned folks because im enjoying life much better now and that wasnt that long ago#anyway if you're struggling badly right now pls know its not hopeless#reach out for the help youre given and try to see yourself as worth it to fight for#take it little steps at a time#celebrate the small victories like having a shower or taking a walk or answering a call#the best thing for me other than the doctor was just finding ways to be around other people more#instead of feeling defeated i had to think of ways i could fix the loneliness that was affecting me so much#i had to get proactive like i started volunteering and started a book club etc#also i just made myself be very honest with the friends i already had about my struggles and it helps with feeling closer to them#and less alone in it all#because its not that uncommon to have those kinds of struggles and it helps other people open up about their own or just know how you are#the hardest things to do were the most rewarding things in the end#volunteering gave me a reason to get out of the house meeting new people and trying new things and feeling good about myself and#i had to remind myself that i was able to offer things of value and that other people like having me around actually#like the book club is something my friend group looks forward to so much and made new friends through and i started that!#even though i was nervous about it and didnt know if theyd like it at all#other people need you just as much as you need them and thats the truth bby#p
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I need to go to bed I’m just gonna shout a lil
#ice hockey needs to chill the fuck out#I had such a good night tonight!! was ssosososossososososo happy#but afterwards people started shouting in the group chat#and they all have very valid reasons for being angry but my god the us vs them mentality is STRONG#I am concerned abt how much people want to escalate things and how quickly they’re moving to do that#I am aware I am a doormat and a people pleaser or whatever but#I mean for one this is a tense political situation and we don’t wanna burn bridges#(there is no real politics i am being dramatic to be clear)#two clubs. alike in dignity. in fair Verona where we lay our scene#and I am personally managing at least 4 fragile egos that are all highly volatile#as well as an internal divide that’s threatening to cause problems very soon#I also should not be part of this anymore! and yet.#also why are specifically men who play team sports so dramatic when you get them all together#like that’s a whole shitstorm that is so easy to set off#anyway with my club I can’t blame the committee for being dramatic (different way to what I just said they’re not the same people)#bc I sure as fuck was overdramatic which fed into other people ramping up BUT that normally snapped me the fuck out of it#so I tempered the worst of it yknow. but I don’t think this new committee has that#/is not willing to listen to the person who would play that role#anyway if people don’t play nice it’s going to start some actual shit which will be deeply unpleasant for everyone#particularly the people who are in both clubs and do not deserve this bc they’ll be getting it from both sides and theyve done nothing wrong#anyway! bedtime now <3 I’m just frustrated bc the person who maybe would’ve calmed everyone down is out of commission#and I should not and am not willing to have the power to tell people to stop even though I probably still could#it’s whatever. sleep#luke.txt
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