#and I am soooo sick of life
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Woke up applied to work at Burger King took my antibiotics for strep throat called my mom and cried
#I have to come up with $105 by tuesday or I lose phone service once again#which is really extra annoying considering my phone is pretty much all I have#and if it goes out of service I won’t be able to leave the house anymore without fearing for my life#and I can’t even afford a new fucking toothbrush and my teeth are gonna rot out of my fucking head#and I am soooo sick of life#and I feel like my entire body is just made up of stress and misery#and I feel so fucking pathetic all the time#<3333
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need the historical romance girlies to go back to their roots and read forever amber (1944)
#forever amber#kathleen winsor#it's SO serious y'all. five star book and it didn't even have to make me cry i'm going to think about it for the rest of my life#amber is the ubermensch of unlikable female characters and i am obsessed with her. worst woman in the world. wife city.#there's a terrifying section set during the plague where she has to nurse her Main Lover (horrible dude. hate his guts) back to life#two of the nurses sent to help die of plague then right when the horrible man gets better amber also gets sick#so they get a third nurse who is willing to murder them both to get their money so horrible dude murders her first#the plague section is soooo tense and scary it's almost a novella in itself. wonderful writing and detail#kathleen winsor read 365 books about restoration england and was painting diagrams of houses and dresses#ma'am i'm sorry i think i have to retroactively make you take the autism test. incredible devotion to history#there's also a great bit where amber murders her abusive third husband (out of four) and disguises it with the fire of london#literally what else can you want from a book#lit#sometimes i make stuff
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thinking about how DAN DESCRIBED THEM AS TWO PEOPLE WHO ‘have known each other for a thousand lifetimes’ AND IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE A CASUAL THING. IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE. AN ANSWER TO A QUESTION. AND IT WAS SUPPOSED TO SEEM SO NORMAL ANS MAYBE A LITTLE FUNNY WHAT A SARDONIC RESPONSE RIGHT?? OH US? ME AND PHIL?? NOOOO WEVE JUST KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR A THOUSAND LIFE TIMES. HES A PIECE OF FURNITURE. REMOTE CRISIS MANAGER. RANCH. A FRENCH SAUCE. IN HIS ATTEMPTS AT HUMOR HE IS ACTUALLY SO FUCKING FOND AND PROFOUND AND THEY ARE SO INTRINSICALLY BOUND TO EACH OTHER AND HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER A THOUSAND LIFETIMES??? THIS IS NOT CASUAL PEOPLE MAKE CAREERS OUT OF WRITING AND SINGING AND YEARNING TRYING TO EXPLAIN WHAT LOVE IS BECAUSE ITS SO ALL CONSUMING AND YOU PUT THEM ALLLLLL TO SHAME WITH YOUR STUPID SARCASTIC INTERVIEW RESPONSES AND STUPID FUCKING RANCH METAPHORS
#stupid fucking interviews i hate him i hate him i hate him#that’s FUCKING CRAZY#CRAZYTTT#i hold myself back for saying he can’t hide behind his humor#because i don’t want to pry WHATEVER ITS 2024 I DONT NEED TO JUSTIFY IT#anyways i’m serious though! YOU CANT HIDE DAN HOWELL YOURE SO IN LOVE#YOURE SOOOO MAD#YOU WANTED TO BE EDGY AND ANGSTY SOOO BAD#fuck my stupid phannie life#sorry! no i’m not#sick to my stomach#THIS IS OLD WHY AM I SOOOO IMPACTED#phan#dan and phil
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I have Got to get more transgender
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#transmasc#trans ftm#transgender#i like 2 say i'm very trans already but unforch i am Not Really. mostly boring ftm Guy Ever#so tempted to cut my hair again but my sense of what i look like is already so fuzzy i dont think it'd help..#want to dye my hair anyways. at this point i'd take whatever color i can get if not purple LOL#it's almost everything i could want and yet ... still me. still the same life. stuck.#soooo high functioning like you wouldnt believe EXCEPT istg i need an emotional support human who will guide me through tasks#such as 'pay with your Moneys Card at the Store'#or... idk that's it really. maybe go grocery shopping without feeling like i'm not meant to be there also#or like. exist in general maybe#reasons why not emotional support Animal: creature cannot understand capitalism. and also is not as necessary as a service dog specifically#idk! every time i come on here i fall apart (in text) and then pull myself back together for another day of ... this i guess.#i'm not even having like crying breakdowns or anything to go along with it i'm just held inside this shell of a body. typing away again#i'm soso tempted to make things worse. progress wouldn't matter anymore... at least maybe it would feel real that i'm like this#i wish my face fit on my body right. and also that i did not look quite so much like a vaguely gnc lesbian#like at LEAST let me look butch as hell but no. curse of sad hair & uncertainty#miss my little mullety thing from that brief period in october... miss my short hair from back in 2017 ...#just dont feel satisfied with what i am now. in general.#top surgery is literally Within my reach but i'm not sure about cost and i need to wait because of doing guard now......#my list of do i want t i kept for the past month turned out to be a bunch of maybes#partially cause i got sick. partially cause it stopped being shark week and i forgot about it#as always happens...#still unsure in my new(er) name. only heard it once#didn't feel the same way as with my old one? but idk. just don't know.#missing guard also but feeling conflicted about not having time for other hobbies...#since winter season is over i've had so much time to play guitar! that's insane! mostly cause i stopped playing for unrelated reasons...#just tired again. wonder if i need more sleep than what i always get. kind of restless.#there's nothing else to say i guess. just wish i could be a person the way everyone else seems to be.
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youtube for some inexplicable reason keeps suggesting videos to me about whether sonic 3 or mufasa will be the bigger hit at the box office and I'm not gonna watch the videos but also like. I really hope it's sonic-
#my reasons for this are as follows#1) I like the sonic movies#2) I am sick and tired of the live action disney remakes AND their obsession with sequels so to essentially do Both at Once is evil to me#and I need it to fail please ohmygod I cannot take any more of these please someone make it STOP#3) I have a very specific hatred of hyper-realistic cgi lion king remake and now they're doing ANOTHER ONE makes me mad also#also yknow what as an aside I'm gonna yell about lion king 2019 fuck it these are my tags on my blog and i am going to subject people to my#Weirdly Specific Opinions about a movie. anyways I mean again hatred for the life action remake obsession ASIDE like. it just fucking sucks#like for how much they hyped up how Realistic the visuals are and how Lifelike it looks uhhhhhhhh. it looks 'realistic' in the sense that#the models and textures are good and like that's all I can say about it#the actual animation like-#IT'S SO BAD. THE CHARACTERS DONT EVEN EMOTE IN ANY WAY AT ALL. IT LOOKS LIKE A BORING NATURE DOCUMENTARY BUT WORSE BECAUSE AT LEAST REAL#LIFE LIONS DONT JUST STAND THERE BLANKLY#and before you say 'oh but sage real life lions dont smile and have eyebrows and stuff' I KNOWWW#BUT ALSO LIKE. BODY LANGUAGE. COME ON. IF YOU DONT WANT TO STUDY REAL LIONS CAN YOU AT LEAST LIKE LOOK AT A HOUSE CAT OR SOMETHING#also it Extra pisses me off because the original lion king like.......... the animation is So Good.... and they clearly did their research#into cat body language.... and also THE ANIMATION IS SOOO GOOD......#and then the remake is um. well fucking look at it.#also they cant even get the ATMOSPHERE right like how do you even do that#ughhhh i haaaate that fucking remake i hate it soooo much#but uh. yeah anyways. hate lion king 2019 and sonic 3 needs to destroy mufasa
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i hate that this website has location based ads now like it's one thing to promote the local grocery store chain to me but i am seeing ads for my workplace now :/
#stop it......#i don't want to go back but this is the last sick day i can reasonably take#i probably should've gone back today but i told them when i was still feeling worse that i wasn't coming in.......#ohhhh i dread going in tomorrow so much. i don't even dislike this job i just hate being somewhere everyday#each day feeling its meaninglessness...... my meaninglessness in the space.......... the repetition and redundancy#selling people who don't need to be there things that they don't need#standing all day long just fucking bored#hoping that enough has happened since i've been gone that people can fill me in#ugggh because it's soooo boring but stressful to have to generate conversation with the same people every day#when nothing new ever happens#and i get sick of everybody even the people that i like and i don't really think anybody likes me that much either#i guess i felt this when i worked there part time but because i only had to be there part time it wasn't this constant gnawing feeling#and they didn't have me in the shop all the time....... this schedule is fucking killing me#i walk there i stand all day and i walk home#that's one of the reasons i haven't come back in yet - i was so dizzy and nauseous that the idea of standing all day was like.#i obviously can't fucking do that even if i would otherwise feel well enough to come in#if i had a sitting job then it wouldn't matter if i was a little dizzy#but getting back and forth to work and then standing for 8 hours. even when i'm feeling well it's kind of a lot#idk i guess i'm pretty unhappy with this job and where i am in life etc but i can't quit rn because what else would i do#there's literally job of this type that is going to pay as well and have good benefits#and i'm not qualified yet for the type of work i hope to do in the future#so i just gotta wait it out but it feels like. endless.#sigh anyway i'm just lazy lol#all this is to say. stop putting ads for my workplace on my dash lol i don't need to see all that
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there are only two categories in the world. small and smaller
#ill write this into a poem at some point probably but for now i just need to say it#i just feel so small and woven and the world looks so big. when does it shrink to fit me. or when do i rise to meet it. either way#the universe and i are soooo at odds because if there is anything about me it is that i always WANT. i just want so much forever.#and honestly there's not enough life in me to keep wanting. i cannot keep clinging to so many things. my hands can't hold them#i'm just too small i feel like a pinprick or a piece of hair or an eyelash and the world is sooo big#there are like. things being held over my head. Okay you can have this but you have to be big enough or good enough to take it.#and i can't!!! i can't be that!!!! i am like an ANT i am just too nonexistent to have half the things i am so desperately yearning for#sorry. im normal. this sickness is like a disease it's making me evil and full of shame#hello world
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Man I can't believe I had the chance to go to a performing arts school up through middle school and I fuckin quit after 6 months just because I got bullied. BRO YOUR HOMEWORK WAS POETRY!! YOU HAD TO PRACTICE DANCING TO COTTON EYE JOE AS YOUR BIG UNIT TEST. GYM CLASS HAD A CIRCUS UNIT!! YOU HAD A WHOLE DAILY CLASS ON IMPROV!!! YOU FOOL!! YOU ABSOLUTE IMBICILE!! YOU COULD HAVE BEEN A YOUTUBER!!! YOU COULD HAVE BEEN ONE OF THOSE TWEENAGERS GETTING LOADED BY MAKING SHITTY YOUTUBE SHORTS IN 2008-14!! But noooOoooOOOoo little miss Noellie (who WANTED TO GO!! who worked SO HARD and sent in an application essay and did an INTERVIEW to get in!!) couldn't handle disruptive classmates or little scuffles and petty grudges and general Attitude of the other students and cried to mommy to put her back in public school. I am EATING MY HAIR over what Could Have Been. I COULD BE SOMEONE'S ANNOYING YOUTUBER!! I could be a DISGRACED DISNEY CHANNEL STAR!! I could be an America's Got Talent winner! A mild to moderately successful comedian! I could be making short films!! But no no no precious thin skinned baby me heard a few new cus words and watched a teacher get heckled and begged to give up The Dream in favor of?? Quiet math tests?? I am such a fucking quitter I quit everything the second it gets too hard I always take the out as soon as it's offered what's my fucking damage.....
#I had SO MUCH POTENTIAL and I SQUANDERED IT!! weak ass third grade PUSSY! Your life could have been SO SICK!!#or you could at least be addicted to cocain or something interesting like that!! Boring ass goody two shoes always just staying home doing#NOTHING bitch make a REAL FRIEND go to a God Damn PARTY live a little instead of just hiding in the closet eating saltine crackers for years#waiting for it to be quiet outside before you ever even toed the line#mentally ill self-isolating motherfucker#you could have shrugged it off you could have GROWN A PAIR and FOUGHT BACK but you just ran and cried for mommy#victim complex little bitch baby always whining and exaggerating and making shit up fucking LIAR I am you and I KNOW what you did and I know#you knew it wasn't the truth and you regretted it the moment it came out of uour mouth but once you'd said it you just swallowed it back and#doubled down incriminating or discrediting others with your lies. For why? Because you didn't like them? You could have ruined someone's#life you wouldn't have hesitated mayhe you did and don't even remember because you cant keep your mouth shut with your pants ablaze#manipulative little shit and to WHAT END? Pity? Sympathy? Attention? Entertainment?? What was even going on in your stupid ugly head?#This is a callout post for my third grade self that possessed demon ass evil nine year old. That kid drowned anthills in olive oil and#poisoned a wild animal once. That kid cut plants just to see if they oozed. That kid modified her whole ass personality on a dime for a boy#she had a crush on. INSTANTLY dropped a LIFELONG CULTURAL ALLEGIANCE (thats what football teams were like back then in our town) because he#said he had the opposite allegiance??? What the fuck? girl had NO integrity none zip zilch.#No empthy either that kid looked at everyone else on earth like they were friggin space aliens and she was the only one with Real feelings.#bitch literally thought like 'I have Feelings they just have Reactions' bitch what the fuckkkkk#that nine year old was fucked the hell up!!!#and for literally NO REASON!! No cause!! Just born fucking evil and weird. jesus fuck.#Evil ass bitch caused her autistic brother months of nightmares and then laughed about it and wrote poetry about how evil he was because he?#was a kid??? Normal sibling rivalry taken way way way too far defamatory ass statements#and this girl had NO CONSEQUENCES because she could lie and manipulate her way out of ANYTHING she had the baby eyes and the helpless charm#and played dumb soooo well . read people like some calculative evil AI scanning their faces for microexpressions and overanalyzing each word#choice like holy shit. its not That Deep. pretentious shit trying to play 5D chess on a checkers board.#Manipulating shit just to see what happens?? zero awareness?? no asking just skipping straight to testing for yourself??#'What happens if I step on this' it fucking breaks 'what does that taste like?' it's not fucking yours to mess with 'if I hit this person#how will they respond?' they'll be upset use your goddamn judgement you are NINE not TWO do you even care a little about any other person??#Are you just living in some other reality???#callout post for the fucking demon child inside of me#im so goddamn problematic I'm so so so deeply mentally disturbed and broken for no reason
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oh btw we leave TOMORROW which means i can be home to make story posts n see my kitties finally!!!!!
#i miss them soooo much#this has been the least relaxing vacation ever#thank god nobody planned anything today bc i am not leaving this airbnb til we have to leave tmrw#im grateful we even have the chance to go on this vacation bc it has been a lot of fun too#but soooo stressful and ive gotten sick every day since we got here#bc we’re in the car driving down mnts all day ;-;#i just miss being at home#oh and now my bf is talking about getting transferred to CO office for work so we can live here instead lmaooooo#which tbh i would NOT be mad at all if we moved to colorado! but i would probably be bedridden for a few weeks 😭#but hey thats what the legal weed is here for#either way i did have fun! im just so exhausted now and i miss my house. but im happy i got 2 experience life here#it is soooooo so so so different to louisiana like i cannot express this enough. im shocked this state exists#when all ive known my whole life is bumfuck LA. it is just so cool to see how much more the usa can offer!!!#makes me feel like less of a doomer aha
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well I can already tell this is gonna be a bad night
today has just been fucking weird and hard. I'm in a bad mood. everything feels bad. (probably not helped by me not taking the new antidepressant last night so I wouldn't sleep all day)
the plan was for my friend to come over this weekend to help me pack. she did that last time and it helped a lot. (my husband could help, obviously, but he's in charge of other things that also need to get done. plus he's very bad at putting things into boxes.)
but the rail strike is still going on so it's likely that she won't be able to get here (or get back in time). so now that's suddenly a lot more stressful and the one thing that I thought would make it go okay is gone.
and I also have to like. at least reread my thesis a few times or whatever to study for the oral exam on Friday. which will make me want to die. because it is bad. so. that will be bad. and the thought of being asked questions about that piece of garbage for 30 fucking minutes is so horrifying that I genuinely do not know if I will be able to get through it without taking my Lorazepam beforehand (which I know is a horrible idea, and my psychiatrist told me twice that it's a bad idea, and I know it would just make me unbelievably stupid. but holy shit that is the scariest thing I can imagine.)
and of course instead of doing anything useful I'm now just sitting here feeling like shit (like last night, only worse)
#it'd just be so fucking nice if I could just.. have a break#it's just been nonstop awful shit since my dad's cancer diagnosis in 🤔 2015. I'm sorry but that's too long. I can't do it anymore. I just#need some damn time to fucking calm down#like yeah any outsider would probably look at my life and think 'well you haven't actually DONE anything in like 6 years'#yeah that's true#but I've also been sick and/or in pain pretty much since 2018. and some of that was fixed last year when I had my gallbladder removed but i#is still not good. first of all that did not work out so well for me. but also everything else is still not right and no one cares and I#just don't have the energy to fight to get a diagnosis#I'm just so tired#I really thought I'd just. go to uni. get my degree in 3 years like expected. get a job. move out. have a normal life FINALLY for the first#time ever#and NONE of that fucking happened#EVERYTHING WENT WRONG. again and again and again#and I am just. so. tired. I can't. I can't do it.#it feels so fucking pathetic to be like 'my life is soooo hard everyone feel bad for me' when there is just. objectively not that much wron#but it just. never. stops.#I've never had a fucking moment to just. sit down. and think. and make decisions about my life. everything just. happens to me#I just. feel so lost and stuck and doomed and it won't fucking get better! it won't! my life got better ONE TIME and it has been pure hell#since then#like. no. it won't get better. this will keep happening over and over and over#I'll never have a choice. not really. I fucked up my life permanently when I dropped out of school at 18 and tbh I wish I would've just bee#brave enough to do what I really wanted then (killing myself)#because fuck. this is not worth it#literally everyone I love is either really fucking far away or just. fictional.#I have no close relationships with anyone irl#everyone I know irl is mean and kind of an asshole. and I'm too useless to meet new people.#I just. I don't want to survive anymore I want to live but I can't have that so. what's the goddamn point#its gonna be fine. because I'm a fucking coward so I'll never do it anyway. but I fucking wish I could
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I'm just tired.
#i am sick and have to run to the doc 4 times a year#and i need medication and i have to go to the doc every 4 weeks and it soooo stressful..#now somebody told me i can get them quarterly.. after almost 10 years.#but my doc tells me he can't give me as much medication as I need...???#it's a mess#i am tired#i just wanna cry..#my mom said she handle this but it makes everything even worse#i feel like such a burden#it's enough to be sick you know... it's a very shitty life#but this situation rn.. holy hell
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I don't get what's so hard to understand about "Don't talk about Nancy or Steve or NancySteve you don't have the proper clearance" like how many times must I say it!!!
#I am so sick of these bad takes#why do you have to hate on one to justify loving the other???#They're both great!!!#Season 4 did Steve so dirty I know you guys think we Steve fans were being serviced NO#NO WE WERE NOT#If I hear one more mention of the Chicken Nuggets I am going to KMS#Like yes it's ugh#but also like it's not as simple or one dimensional of a story as you guys think#but also it's soooo stupid#and I think that Steve really did let go of Nancy back in season 2#that was supposed to be it#like there was no hint of steve getting back with nancy or anything it was final the shooting the acting the script#everything sounded like it was closing the doors on that arc#and haters are saying that they brought Stancy back because they had nothing interesting going on with Steve's character#???#ARE YOU GOOD#How about deal with how he avoids all his trauma or how he got TORTURED???#You can go on more about his life in highschool post season 1 and season 2#yes Steve did become more popular over the years but that's for a reason#and fucking steve fans I have so much to say to you too#STFU#Like stop hating on other characters or bringing in steve everywhere bro stfu#like idk my community of steve fans are chill and hot and have the best takes but some of the ones I've seen#like get a hold of yourselves#I have nothing to say to Nancy haters they're just ugly#Sorry guys I was feeling hateful#Will probably post a screenshot of all this bc these tags are salacious#rem does stuff and panics#stranger things#steve harrington
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gerard was not lying when they said we hold in our hearts the sword and the faith swelled up from the rain clouds move like a wraith
#tw for talk of irregular eating in tags sorry lawl#not disorderd i dont think. its a thing with my meds i dont have any body image issues at all tbh#but i did NOT eat enough today!! and i can feel it in my bones#srsly hasnt been this bad since like october i got the mix of shaky hands + stumbling gait + depression + crazy anxiety#soooo rough. its ok ill get over it ! but christ#went to campus starbucks asked for a refresher the lady was like sorry we dont have refreshers#so i left and i was walking thinking god this is the worst day of my fuckign life i am so miserable i need to rot into the floor#stopped myself. ohhhh yeah. i have eaten nothing but baby carrots today#and those baby carrots! WERE EXPIRED!!! AND MADE ME FEEL SO SICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#but fr moving like a wraith today. i have listened to desert song so many times
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Y'know I know I've said like a billion times I don't want to know shit abt Jackie's past but erm. Hi klei. Please just tell me if Josephine and Alan are her parents or some miscellaneous relative this is so important. Did Jackie seriously come from a household with a colonel and another person with a doctorate or does she just happen to be related to them this is so important for how I decide to move forward with my Jackie hcs and with my aus in general I need to know so bad tell me right fucking now
#rat rambles#oni posting#dude I was so sure that I didnt want to know anything abt Jackie's family situation but now I sure as hell fucking do#also if they are her parents then that'd mean she'd have a sibling named jonathan. and god of fucking course she would#my version of a jackie brother may be off in the wind but I would love a new one that she actually gets to have met this time#also to be clear the doctorate + colonel parent situation that Im desperate to know if I can act on is so perfect for jackie#like oh yeah of fucking course shed be a military kid why didnt I think of that first#back in my original hcs she had a brother who was an adult when she was born and was a part of the army#so in my minds eye this adds up perfectly and would to me explain a lot abt her#also the idea that j names run in the family is so fucking stupid I love it#also the fact that her maybe brother named their child after her is making me sick dont do that no child deserves that </3#the fact that its a middle name honestly makes it worse to me lol#god. god those 3 radio logs man. it makes me wonder so so hard#I doubt well get to fully know what happened there but if the colonel is her parent and theyre the same as the tragedy averted log mentions#then we suddenly have a situation in which the possibility of jackie having been involved in at best seriously threatening her parent or at#least relative's well saftey is a very real interpretation of these currently available logs#and I find that soooo fucking fascinating#now again that might not be the case as we just dont know enough#but as of now its a very real possibility and its one that excites me#the idea of jackie being willing to risk the life of a relative like that for the sake of sabotaging a rival and doing a publicity stunt#absolutely rules and I am in love with the concept go girlie go murder your maybe parent#also if I may discuss the timeline matters here shit is looking fucking wild#dude we now have an id that starts with x. like holy shit what the fuck#like there's a world where it's just a weird way of reacting it but like I genuinely dont know#could we be seeing some genuine late state gravitas shenanigans over here?#oh also we got another nikola mention lets goooo#also we have So many more rando names now and this is just with the logs we do have#we have the jackie relatives along with the inlaws mentioned in the same email ofc but we also have harold's son calvin and the x id#scientist I mentioned before b. boson#now boson actually is a potential dupe donor candidate considering we do in fact have a free b dupe to work with (<- is shaking violently)
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#sorry for being so quiet for the last few months#but i have not been having a good time tbh#my life is a complete mess#i lost one of my biggest clients and i am having a hard time finding new ones#and turns out i might be sick lmao#getting an MRI tomorrow soooo yeah#that’s fun huh#i basically hate everything right now#personal
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#made one of my. not close. friends soooo fucking mad at me because i was like 'no i dont like how youre treating other people right now#and i dont want to be part of it' and she called me selfish for it <3#girl i am getting kicked out of this dnd group#aauughhgghj it keeps happening. oggghhh#but im so fucking done just letting it slide when people are being inconsiderate.#and im not letting them call me selfish for not letting it slide anymore. i am so fucking sick of doing that#if that is being selfish i will be selfish every day of my fucking life#i have so little to gain from this. girl what
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