#and I am also incapable of letting them lead happy lives | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

wundergeek · 23 days ago

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What does thriving look like when the world (and our brains) are on fire?

My mental health went to completely to shit for the first year of the pandemic, especially after getting locked in my house with my gender made me admit that I was trans. The shit cherry on top: I spent most of 2020 unemployed.

My brain completely shut down for those first four months or so. I spent every available spoon on parenting my kid, and had none left to deal with any of my own shit - which started becoming an equity issue in my marriage the longer my husband had to do all of the cooking and other housework by himself. Which definitely wasn't fair to him!

So I got really intentional about my habits, and I reorganized my space around this question: what will help me feel grounded and positive in a way that will make small actions feel achievable?

What does that look like for me?

Visual reminders of love: love letters / art from friends / cards / photos

Easily one of the most important aspects of my workspace. I have basically zero emotional object permanence, so having objects that I see every day that are proof of that connection is vital to reminding myself that the voice telling me that I'm alone is wrong.

If, like me, you have ADHD - you'll want to move things around / replace things every few months, because our brains are hard-wired to seek novelty. I actually need to do this soon - and plan on reaching out to a few close friends and asking for small notes or pictures.

Quotes from your favorite media that give you hope / Dark Aspiration / Your favorite blorbo

Hopeful quotes! If you've ever thought of getting a tattoo of a phrase, but didn't do it because it came from something real nerdy - that's perfect.

I made myself this poster of quotes from Final Fantasy 14's Endwalker expansion - which itself was about how do we find meaning in existence while living through the end of the world? It hangs above my bulletin board, so that I see it every day.

Dark aspiration: this one is optional, but for those of you who are extremely motivated by spite, as I am... It helps to have a reminder in my field of view that "going for a stupid walk for my stupid mental health" is exactly what these fascist motherfuckers DON'T want.

Favorite blorbo: Is there a blorbo you are INCAPABLE OF BEING NORMAL ABOUT? Fucking harness that! Get that fucking dopamine however you need. (In my case, with catboy husband.)

Is it ridiculous? Who cares! We have ONE LIFE, so why not spend that life thinking about blorbos that make us happy?

Task board / decision matrix

The goal: not to let yourself crawl into bed and stay there for the next six months.

The challenge: being overwhelmed makes decisions about what we can accomplished feel impossible - which can lead to no action at all

Which is why we visually sort that shit.

My white board is broken down along Effort (low to high) and Impact (low to high), but you can define your axes differently. Urgency versus Importance is another one I've seen a lot of people use? The reason I use Effort / Impact is because it provides a visual approximation of the Spoons / Benefit Derived ratio for each outstanding tasks.

And! That upper left quadrant contains a lot of easy wins for when I need the feeling of removing something from the board to help me feel motivated to do something larger.

(The bottom right corner is dangerous. Try not to let too much stuff lurk there. If it starts getting full, try either to break those tasks up, or to find someone to support you in doing them.)

Gratitude and/or Glimmers

Look. I know. I get it. I really do.

But there's a reason why some of the most common advice for dealing with depression and anxiety is keeping a gratitude journal. There's actual, honest-to-god science showing it works. (Since gratitude doesn't always work for people, keeping track of glimmers can also be really helpful - small moments of happiness worth remembering.)

So think of it like "taking a stupid walk for your stupid mental health".

If you're someone who's motivated by colored pens, make a trip to the dollar store! Use those stickers you've been hoarding for no specific purpose! (These stickers here have been on my whiteboard for FOUR YEARS). If you're ADHD like me, keep it somewhere you can see it - which will act both as a reminder to add to it, AND as a reminder of the things you've already written there.

Also, make sure you give yourself permission to make it ugly.

It doesn't do you any good if it turns into something that stresses you out.

Visual cues to exercise

I keep these adjustable weights I got off of Amazon next to my desk. I might only manage to use them once a day when my mental health is really bad, but anything that forces you to engage your heart a little is great.

Sometimes you might find that banging out a set of lifts gives you the motivation for a small walk. Or even to just walk around and stretch.

Again: "taking a stupid walk for your stupid mental health" territory here. As someone who has wrestled with mental illness my entire life, I hate that hAvE yOu TrIeD eXcErCiZe is the first thing that gets hurled at us, because it's not a fucking panacea. But it really does make a difference.

Important end note: fuck The Aesthetic ✨

It might take a while to create a space that is both functional AND visually appealing, or you might decide you don't care about visual appeal, and that's fine. Function is king.

Not pictured: make art make art MAKE ART

More than anything, art is what helps us get through dark times. So MAKE. ART.

It doesn't have to be good. Shitty things are great! Knit a shitty sock! Draw a shitty picture! Write a shitty poem! Hell yeah!

"What if it's cringe?" then BE CRINGE. Write your cringe au fic! Draw some fanart of a cursed ship! Make your favorite blorbos kiss!

Just. Make. ART.

#election 2024 #2024 presidential election #transgender #trans #queer #nonbinary #resistance #persistence is resistance #mental health

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cosmicjoke · 2 years ago

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So, I’ve seen some posts here on tumblr which seem to be aimed at me, but I don’t know for sure, so I’m just gonna’ address it here, in my own post.

It’s not that I don’t acknowledge or am aware of the fact that Zeke presenting himself to Levi is meant to serve as Zeke’s “redemption”, or whatever. Obviously, thematically, that’s what we’re seeing, and Levi’s shock when he sees Zeke has to do with Zeke just leaving himself open to be killed by him, when the two of them had been at such odds with each other throughout the story. It seems incongruous to Levi with what he knows about Zeke leading up to that point. Obviously.

But I don’t think Levi was wrong about Zeke. Not ever. I think Levi was always dead right about who Zeke was.

Look, I’m a Zeke hater. I am, and I admit it. But I think I’ve got good reasons for being so. I’m not stupid. I’m not unaware of Zeke’s role within the story, or what we as an audience are meant to take away from him as a character. But I still hate him. And it’s because I think what Zeke did was unforgivable, in the same way that what Eren ultimately does is unforgivable, and I don’t think either of them at all earned any kind of redemption in the end. Eren to me is more sympathetic though, then Zeke, because Eren actually cared about other people besides himself. So let me explain.

Zeke’s moment of redemption, to me, smacked of more narcissism. He comes to the realization that even if life is meaningless, it can still be worth living to some, and in that realization, he lets himself be killed to stop the Rumbling. But in all of this, Zeke still isn’t connecting to or empathizing with anyone outside of himself. Armin talks to him about how he thinks he was born so he could experience his happy moments with Eren and Mikasa, and that makes Zeke think about and finally realize that he also had moments of happiness in his youth with Mr. Ksaver, and that that made his life worth something. You see? Zeke doesn’t let himself be killed because he realizes that euthanizing a whole race of people is wrong, (he even says he still thinks he was right to want to do that) or because he feels bad for what he’s done, or because he’s horrified by Eren’s actions and realizes he needs to do something to stop him and save all these people. If that had been the case, he would have taken action immediately, instead of wallowing in self-pity as literally millions of people were crushed underfoot.

He lets himself be killed because he realizes he himself experienced happiness, and so maybe life isn’t so meaningless after all. He’s still only seeing everything through the lens of his own experiences and his own life and his own feelings. He still isn’t connecting with anyone else. He still isn’t sympathizing, or even empathizing with other people’s feelings. He still isn’t able to see that just because he originally felt he’d never experienced happiness, or because he felt his life had no meaning, that doesn’t mean others can’t or won’t experience happiness for themselves or won’t feel the same as him about life’s worth. Those other people’s wants and needs don’t factor in to his choice or his understanding at the end. Only his own. He does the right thing, not for anyone else’ sake, not in a selfless act of redemption, but because he realized he was wrong about his own life. Not anyone else’. His own. He only realizes life is worth living because he realizes he himself felt happiness at one point, not because he’s suddenly able to place himself in the shoes of others and empathize or sympathize with their own feelings, or sympathize with their own, personal desires. If Zeke had never come to the realization that he felt happiness in his own life, if indeed he couldn’t look back and find a moment of joy in his own life, but only misery and pain, he never would have let himself be killed in the end, because he’s incapable of considering anyone else’ feelings. He never would have considered or thought, outside of himself, about the fact that other people might think and feel differently than him, or that others should get to decide for themselves.

Again, this is why I call Zeke a narcissist and a sociopath. He literally is incapable of connecting with or understanding anything from anyone else’ point of view. He can’t relate to anything outside of himself, and his perception of himself.

Even his supposed love of Eren is nothing more than an extension of himself. He sees Eren as “like him”. He believes Eren must have been abused by Grisha, like him, and that he needs to be saved from Grisha’s supposed brainwashing, like he was by Mr. Ksaver. He doesn’t see Eren as an individual person. He sees Eren as a reflection of himself, even a facsimile. His own feelings, his own thoughts, his own tragedy, etc... This is how Zeke interacts with everyone. This is how Zeke views everyone. Nothing outside of himself ever registers. This is also why he so completely misses the mark and fails to guess at Eren’s true aims. This is why Eren outsmarts him. Nobody actually thinks Eren is smarter than Zeke. He’s not. But it’s because Zeke couldn’t understand Eren. He couldn’t understand anybody, because he’s a sociopath. Because he saw Eren as nothing more than a version of himself.

So this idea that Zeke finds redemption in the end by letting Levi kill him, and thereby assisting in the Rumbling’s ending, doesn’t really fly. All of Zeke’s actions leading up to that point won’t allow for it, truly. And neither will who Zeke was as a person. The same way Eren’s actions can’t be forgiven. Both of them, ultimately, chose to let countless people die to serve their own, personal ends and desires. Eren to gain personal freedom, and Zeke to fulfill his role as martyr and savior. Sure, Zeke was willing to die for his cause. But that alone doesn’t make him a hero. Because his cause was a selfish one. He did it for himself. Not for anybody else. He saw everyone who he believed himself to be saving as just another version of him, and never thought of or cared about them as individual, real people.

That’s why I hate Zeke. And that’s why he deserved to die at Levi’s hand. Levi’s reasons for killing Zeke were highly personal to him, but not revenge based at all. Levi wanted to kill Zeke for a genuinely noble reason. And he did, in the end. He killed him, and I know, like Levi says about all his choices, he had no regrets about it, nor should he have. Because, ultimately, Zeke was beyond redemption. He acted selfishly, to the incalculable detriment of countless others. Levi’s expression doesn’t denote regret. It doesn’t denote disappointment, or remorse. It doesn’t reflect guilt or forgiveness. It’s surprise and it’s relief, at finally fulfilling his duty to his comrades. It was a noble act. An act done entirely for others. That’s why Levi is a real hero. Because every action he took in the story, every battle he fought, every sacrifice he made, he made for the sake of someone else. He gave for someone else. Never himself. Always for others. That’s something Zeke was never capable of.

#Zeke Yeager #Levi Ackerman #attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin

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marengogo · 2 years ago

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Well Well Well … - 4 : JK: “Hello Dear My Brides …”

Listening to the whole album DIM by the GazettE

[Music is a very big part of my life and I’m MOSTLY INCAPABLE of writing without music, so I just thought I'd share what I am listening to while writing this]

–🐺–🐺–🐺–

My day was amazing. I witnessed the happening of the “Hope-Cole World”. I successfully texted, unbothered, friends, family and my lovely S/O. I worked peacefully, for once this week, quick and pleasant meetings, with no bitching emails and no gen Z causing problems 😬😜😘🫰🏾. The day finally ended in a night of debauchery with my bff and now that I finally got home, it is stupid o’clock, and instead of sleeping, perhaps just like JK, I’m allowing my deep thoughts/inner self or whatever you wanna call them to take over and do as they please; because why not?

Thing is, to people like myself, “Stupid o’clock” is a very attractive place to be in. It usually is a period of time belonging to the beginning hours of the following day, but because most people are usually sleeping, it doesn’t actually feel like the following day has begun, meaning that for a couple of hours, you feel like you are kind of in a limbo, where time has stopped ant this, to people like myself, who feel like we have no control whatsoever over our time, people who feel like we are constantly running out of time, this temporary limbo, feels extremely comforting.

This limbo feels like we can finally have some sort of control over our own time. Yet, as one of those people, I have finally come to realise and accept that my perceived sense of constantly “running out of time”, is the main cause of my insomnia and today’s life has made me wonder if perhaps JK also feels the same? … Who knows right? But actually, this is just me rambling and heavily projecting.

So let’s leave my insomnia and losing-time-paranoia aside for a second. As you might have read from the beginning of this blog, where I always tell you what I am listening to, I am currently listening to the GazettE’s album DIM. I started listening to the GazettE a good 15 years ago, at least. Back then, they became all I listened to for a good couple of years. Presently, I do still love them, also got to see them live in 2019, however, I only listen to them occasionally, cause the GazettE are not your everyday happy-go-lucky band. No. They are a band you listen to when you have angst, so much angst you could “sell it for a living”.

So, yes, I am angsty. And, yes, JK’s live made me angsty. JK’s respectful regards towards those who are causing him harm made me angsty and made me think of the GazettE’s song DISTRESS AND COMA in particular. Hence, until I let this angst out, I will not be able to sleep, though I will most likely end up falling asleep from exhaustion, and most likely wake up feeling like I hadn’t slept at all which what's the point? So allow me to address how I perceived JK’s not-absurd request, through this particular song, which I feel describes the scenario quite perfectly, at least it’s beginning.

DISTRESS AND COMA (which is in the album I am listening) begins like this:

🎶Until your distress sleeps

Fill me up with your grief

Until your distress sleeps

Fill me up with your grief

Until your distress sleeps🎵

This part I associated with JK being awake at Stupid o’ Clock for his own reasons. What ALL these reasons are exactly we will never know unless he tells us directly. However, feeling like you “you don’t want to sleep” when you are clearly sleepy, in my personal experience, is sort of like trying to battle with yourself in order to stay awake, which you might think of as being directly opposite to insomnia, however if you keep at it for long enough, you’ll end up distorting your regular sleeping pattern, which eventually will lead to insomnia (as you will feel like sleeping during times when you are supposed to be awake, and can’t sleep because of work, while consequently end up being awake during times in which you are supposed to be sleeping).

The song then continues:

🎶Hello dear my bride,

何を見ているの (what are you watching?)..🎵

After this, Ruki (the GazettE’s vocalist) begins to talk about his relationship with his “bride”, which isn’t a bride in the sense of a female partner he married, but a particularly tragic symbolic figure. In the same way, when JK so candidly and honestly spoke to us about his “boxing stalking incident”, he was talking to someone with whom he had a deep connection, someone with whom he promised he’d walk together for better, for worse … kinda like a bride. So it felt to me that, like in this song, JK was talking to us and nonchalantly started the live, as always, by saying “Hello dear my brides, what are you doing? …

From here on, Ruki goes on talking about the toxic-relationship he has built with his “bride”. How he doesn’t mind getting hurt and hopes that the resulting scar will not disappear; as long as they are both able to finally fall asleep, he’ll gladly take on his “bride’s” DISTRESS AND COMA instead. But here is where JK is trying to change the song. He still wants to be a vessel for his “bride” to be able to sleep and not be distressed, HOWEVER, in a healthy way, as they both are at a point in their relationship where neither needs to get hurt, neither needs to lose sleep, neither needs to be scarred.

Having to actually hear JK address this made me feel like shit. NGL.

Not even going to address the perpetrators cause nothing I can say can ever express just how much I despise you. NOTHING.

His tone wasn’t angry, it wasn’t condescending, nor demanding. And although he wasn’t crying or pleading, the gentle and calm demeanor with which he asked for his privacy to please not be invaded, hurt so much more than it would have had he resorted to any of the aforementioned manners. It hurt, it hurt, as an empath, it hurt so fucking much.

It hurts because he shouldn’t have to say this. And we all know that. It hurts because the person that stalked him can't call themself ARMY. And we all know that. It hurts because he is trying to be understanding, and find a solution, amicably, because he always feels a connection to ARMY and perhaps he feels like it is his duty to try and reach out. And we all know that. Reason why it hurts knowing that there are people out there who never gave, don’t give and will never give a fuck about any of these. And we all know that, as I am sure he knows as well.

But I guess that sometimes, even if you know it may be futile, you still want to give it a try? And in JK’s case I’m sure he was aware that maybe it was going to work and most likely not, but at least he would have tried, so at the very least, he’d have no regrets, right? And if his effort did end up failing, if, for example in this case, the once-a-sasaeng-still-a-sasaeng keeps being a problem, then maybe he’d have to resort to the more drastic measures, which he was trying to avoid.

Something tells me, that even though in my opinion they’d deserve all of it, he’d still feel sorry about it, but ultimately he’d make peace with it, because he’d know that, like everyone else, he is also human and he has the right to basic things such as being able to enjoy a bit of privacy. But then again, he’d cross that bridge if he got there, I guess. For now, the important thing to JK is perhaps that he thought it was worth for him to try and express himself, to vulnerably open himself up to us for better or for worse, and perhaps this had nothing to do with his insomnia, or perhaps it did, as always, we’ll never know, REGARDLESS OF ALL MY RAMBLING, I’m actually glad that he lost the stay awake battle! though that beautiful candle ended up becoming a bit triggering 😬 …

So I apologies for confusingly waxing poetic over this, imma now try and go to sleep myself.

Always respectfully yours 🙏🏾💜,

Marengo.

#Well Well Well...#Things JK shouldn't Have To Say #Yet here we are...

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putschki1969 · 2 years ago

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Hi Sarah ☺️👋,

I apologize from the beginning in case you did not understand my meaning, the question was written through Google Translator.

Should we really not care about what goes on behind the scenes in the entertainment industry? I remember that you wrote that We have to take it at face value and not dig into what is happening behind the scenes in order to live a healthy life without carrying this worry, but after watching the oshi no ko anime, this made me think again about the state of the entertainment industry, do we really have to be indifferent to what is happening to our favorite artists not only our kalafina girls but in general. Shouldn't we, at least discuss this matter so that their conditions do not get worse? I feel we should not separate the product from the condition of the person who made it!

Hi there! Don't worry, your message is perfectly clear and fine. I apologise for taking so long to reply, this has been sitting in my drafts forever. This is a tricky topic so it took a while to figure out the best way to map out my reply.

I am assuming that this ask is a direct response to what I wrote HERE? For those who are curious, this is what I had to say to someone who seemed incredibly upset about the current state of Wakana's "relationship" with everyone else from the YK family.

[I]t is not at all healthy to be this invested in public figures and the things they choose to share with us. I fully understand the desire to get more insight but please don’t make your happiness and peace of mind contingent on something that is so completely out of our control.

Let's start with a quick clarification, I am by no means implying that we should take everything at face value. Quite the contrary actually, I am a strong proponent of critical thinking, it's crucial to look at things from a nuanced perspective, to read between the lines and educate ourselves on all the finer details before making any sort of assumption based on surface-level observations. Many fans operate on misconceptions and tend to jump to conclusions because they heavily rely on unverified news and brief snapshots without taking all the available facts into account. This is why I often feel the need to make elaborate explanation posts. I just want to keep people grounded and stop them from coming up with unfounded theories.

I am also not trying to tell people to be completely indifferent towards what is happening behind the scenes of the entertainment industry. The Japanese entertainment industry is indeed very harsh and genuinely messed up. It's impossible to not feel affected when you hear news of celebrity su!c!des and see some of those horrible conditions our favourites are subjected to. Being conscious of these issues while engaging in fan activities is a good thing and completely normal but it's very unhealthy to let your whole life become consumed with worry over someone whose mental/physical state and situation we are incapable of fully understanding.

Because you see, even with access to a vast amount of knowledge, we as fans have to realise that we'll never get the "full picture". The extent of our involvement is incredibly limited. There are boundaries we have to respect, there are lines we aren't allowed to cross, there are things which are purposefully kept from us. The truth of the matter is that regardless of how deep we try to dig into what is going on behind the scenes, regardless of how much we discuss the situation or how many possible theories we come up with while endlessly worrying, it won't ever lead us to satisfactory results, it won't bring us any closer to knowing more about the "real" condition of the people we idolise. So why should we sacrifice our mental well-being over something that's so far removed from us? It's utterly pointless. Hence my above advice to not get too caught up in this mess.

I am not sure if you are familiar with the term but when fans get overly invested in the lives of idols, celebrities and public figures, it's a slippery slope towards developing a so-called parasocial relationship with them. This sort of relationship is based on delusions, meaning fans fool themselves into believing they have a deep connection to that person (or rather, the "idea" of said person) which may lead to a false sense of intimacy and ownership. But make no mistake, despite what fans may think, we have very little insight into the lives of these public figures and while they have a considerable amount of influence over us, we have comparatively little influence over them. In reality, most things are completely out of our control. We often have no choice but to watch things unfold from the sidelines.

My point is, take everything with a grain of salt, thoroughly acquaint yourself with the topic, stay respectful, be aware of your limits and come to terms with the fact that you are not really in a position to save or help them when it comes to personal matters. Don't compromise your own well-being by getting entangled in a mess that's beyond our control. It sounds harsh but as fans we are quite powerless in that regard. All we can really do is support and appreciate the content (or "product" as you say) our favourites create and have faith that their "real condition" at least somehow resembles the positive image they choose to present to us.

And yeah, I am self-aware enough to know that this all sounds hypocritical coming from someone like me who has always been quite vocal about being crazily obsessed with Kalafina. I'd call myself an extremely dedicated fan who is very much invested in the lives of the Kalafina members. Still, I believe I know where to draw the line and that has more or less kept me sane throughout the years.

#kalafina #wakana #reply #yuki kajiura #kajiura yuki #space craft

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bruiisedpetals-a · 2 years ago

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... 𝔞𝔟𝔬𝔲𝔱 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔪𝔲𝔫 ; 𝔱𝔞𝔤 𝔪𝔢𝔪𝔢

name: skye

pronouns: she/they , i fluctuate between the two so idm

preference of communication : tumblr ims , mainly because i’m getting very forgetful on discord but for some thread partners i’ll def offer it

name of most active muse(s) : right now i’m obviously on my aeron targaryen bs as he’s a trial muse and i’m enjoying feeling him out (he’s also completely new as a muse to me) , but generally speaking i’m feeling vik , aeron , lia and vida. i adore all my OCs though , so none are really ever inactive on unloved.

platforms you’ve used : don’t @ me okay , it was neopets like 14 centuries ago agfhraf. tbh thats where i learned custom html and page editing with graphics , etc. so i kind of cut my teeth aesthetic and world building-wise there. there was a brief month or so where i discovered that rp was a thing in the game ... but then someone on one of the forums mentioned that i should look into tumblr as a platform. that was probably 13/14 years ago

best experience : aside from the wholesomeness of meeting people in this community , honestly i gotta give a nod to the fact that i learned so much and was able to really evolve my creativity skills with likeminded people. i’ve also loved when wholesome collaboration leads to an amazing rp world / group , seeing people love and flourish within a rp group that i made / make and run is a really awesome feeling.

rp pet peeves / dealbreakers : it’s always been , for me , muse collecting or fc collecting. like within a group with no muse cap , people who snap up the most Aesthetic fcs and have 8765 of them , barely use them or they’re all the same character seasoned slightly different .. and in the indie world it’s that and when people like ?? duplicate storylines that you worked hard to create with a different muse/mun without even checking? i’ve had so many ideas stolen that way. another one of mine that’s always been an issue is when you put in a lot of effort to establish details and content to give your partner ample things to react and interact with and then they give you back like ... two lines and maybe three syllables of dialogue. and also people fetishising my masc muses and leaving my fem muses to the wind , ick , get ready to catch an unfollow and the dropped threads if i feel that way.

fluff, angst, or smut : it’s angst , smut and then fluff for me — my muses dont lend themselves to over-softness and fluffiness , i usually have one ( lia flowers rn ) who is a softer character but just happy-life-no-drama-wholesomeness bores me ajkf gimme chaos and something i can delve into and explore the ic reactions , monologues , psychology , etc of it.

plots or memes : i always live in fear of the mistake of over-plotting ... like when you flesh out so many ideas that the concept of writing through the known journey and storyline loses its appeal. i like a good skeleton plot and context and then to let the muses flow as they see fit , i have definitely grown to love the meme threads because i feel like it’s a perfect way to dry-run your muses against another - whether an au or not.

long or short replies : i am incapable of less that two thicc af paragraphs and i will not apologise ( yes , i will , endlessly, it’s my toxic trait ngl )

best time to write : late afternoon - evening time for me , which is a dangerous game because when i should be sleeping or getting ready to wind down all my fkn partners are coming online ajkfh.

are you like your muse(s): there’s pieces of me in all of them ; vida knows how to live off the land and how to stand through poverty and not having a home , errick channels his anger into physical activities and upped his skills because of it , branden guards himself and his secrets without flinching to protect himself and those he loves , lia looks to achieve praise for her diligent work because she criticises herself endlessly , vik doesn’t want to be tied to family expectations but is too moral to abandon them , and tiathia’s moral compass is modeled after my own. the intricate details such as personal habits , likes, affinities , etc ; they’re inspired by things that i like , and lbr here .... the Spicy Blog and my muses Spicy Details come from my own brain.

tagged by : @uncrvwned

tagging : @gevidana , @dragcnsdaughter , @pertinaxism , @blossomhcir + anyone who hasn’t been tagged by another

#ooc. out of ink ⋯ mun meme

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ascendantfantasies · 6 months ago

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being stupid horny about a character this complex is a pain in the ass for fic and fantasy composition.

I have a thing for the whole victim thing. It runs into some dark kinks.

And a concept where the vampire and the former cult leader have a hot fucked up mutual relationship is good.

But pushing that scenario further to the point that the two of them then go on to victimize a third person who they treat as a sex toy that whines.

This is a hot concept. Being in the hands of very very dangerous people. The blood drinking and pain and blood play elements. The trapped there elements that run into abduction flavoured kinks (because within the world of this game, if you get too far from the artefact, you lose your protection so you have to stay with the group if you want to survive). Being corrupted into liking more and more depraved things.

BUT

The whole things gets hella complicated to spool up into a real story instead of a hot concept. Because the vampire is wildly complex.

He's an asshole to victims. "The problem with what C did was that he did it to me" is a canon line in the game. His reaction to slavery. He'd be unlikely to be sympathetic to someone too weak or stupid to fight back.

He's also very willing to go with the flow with whatever the party lead decides on. He'll sway good if that's where your playthrough goes but he'll also sway evil if that's where you point him. His personal motivations are power and freedom which are heavily tangled up in a rats nest of extended trauma.

So he'd go along with the cult leader if sexual assault was a thing that got him what he needed.

But also - he's not actually incapable of seeing evil and the longer he is away from the Torment Nexus, the more capable of seeing it he becomes. And in a trapped victim scenario - and the mechanics of the game - you end up with a situation where he cannot just write this person off entirely because they're in this together. A little bit of emotional support goes absolutely miles with him in the game. Letting him talk is a huge piece of building that relationship.

What does the end game of that relationship look like?

How do you build that MC so that relationship works?

How does the cult leader factor in to the end game?

How does the Act Two confession and boundary fit within this context?

These are not horny questions. These are deep characterization based questions. These are questions about trauma processing and the cycle of abuse.

Why did I have to latch onto the grimdark ideas with such a complex character?

(because he is a complex character and I like that).

I started a duo run with a d.urge who starts utterly off the rails. and No-Self Control d.urge plus the vampire are such a good pairing.

But I am a particular kind of horny today and that victim idea is back in my head. Someone like this character who is very very happy to hurt someone else and how it would act as a vortex for the vampire's worst intentions.

Instead of two fucked up people orbiting each other and learning to live, you get these two fucked up people orbiting each other and destroying everyone in their path. Which is the current dynamic but told from the perspective of someone who is in the path of the hurricane? Who is turned on by it even as it threatens to tear them to bits?

Very very very hot.

I guess I could just write the first act and leave the what-ifs dangling.

#rambling

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lastoneout · 22 days ago

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Hey so uh y'all know this is straight up radfem rhetoric that will do fuck all to actually combat the rise of fascism in this country while putting young people further at risk of being indoctrinated into conservatisim, right? Like this is 100% the basis of political lesbianism and is a direct pipeline to becoming a fucking TERF which is a direct pipeline to holding hands with Nazis, we should NOT be supporting or promoting the idea that the only way for women to be safe is to completely isolate themselves from men, especially in the coming years where unity with our allies, a group which includes men, will be the key to survival for so many people. The state of the world right now is based in part on the rampant spread of individualism and exclusion and distrust, why the hell would perpetuating that help??

Also this alienates women who cannot or will not abandon their connections to men(wanting to marry and love and have sex and children with men is morally neutral) and strips us of our ability to find allyship with marginalized men who are on our side and also will face extreme violence under this new administration. This will cut us off from black men and disabled men and intersex men and queer men and will absolutely be used as justification to completely fucking abandon trans men, who have already been completely abandoned by current mainstream feminism to the point that I cannot go five seconds without someone saying reproductive rights are an issue that only affects women when that is in NO way the case. Basically no one has been including trans mascs/men, nonbinary people, and intersex people in the abortion and birth control discussion this election cycle despite those groups needing just as much help and support on this front and that is a PROBLEM. Like trans men and intersex people who can get pregnant are going to be at a hellish level of risk going forward, infinitely more so than the average cishet perisex woman. We cannot abandon them further.

Plus for some of us marriage will potentially keep us safer or help us escape this country should we need to, I'm disabled and can't work I cannot just move to another country, but if I get married and my fiancé goes first and finds a job that can support us both that will help me. And like you can also get married to a man and still refuse to have kids in protest? Most of the people in our generation aren't having kids anyway? And tbh those of us who want to are not bad people nor should we have to put our entire lives on hold for god knows how long to stick it to the men. We live in hell right now, why the fuck should we be asking people to completely abandon things that could make them happy in a weird form of protest that won't work and is a gateway to being a raging Nazi transphobe??

And on top of all of that this also lets the hundreds of thousands of women who voted for Trump on purpose because they too have bought in to his rhetoric off the hook, which again, is where radical feminism leads because it is fundamentally based on the idea that men are always dangerous and harmful no matter what but women are always innocent brainwashed victims who can do no harm. And writing off men as a lost cause who are evil by nature and thus cannot be saved is also not only radical feminist bullshit, it's legit just conservative "boys will be boys" bullshit with a progressive hat. I am not giving shitty men a free pass to suck forever by pretending they are incapable of change, they can, should, and MUST be held to a higher standard. That is what I mean when I say radical feminisim is a conservative ideology, it doesn't believe a better world is possible because it assumes men will always be evil and should be avoided at all costs which upholds the status quo, it does nothing to actually challenge it.

(And hell, if all that wasn't enough, this is also flawed because the kinds of women who are left leaning enough to consider doing something like this likely already only associate with progressive men, so who are we even punishing here? No woman riding the tradwife MAGA waterslide is going to do this, so the only men who get punished are the good ones who are on our side, which helps who, exactly?? Like christ y'all this falls the fuck apart so fast the second you actually think about it.)

There are men who will be my allies in the coming years and women who will be my enemy. Women are just as capable of being bigoted fascist pieces of shit as men are, this election proved that. We waited for women to save us and most of them fucking didn't. How the hell am I supposed to believe women are inherently safer or better while looking at the breakdown of what demographics voted for Trump. Some of the most vile, traumatizing misogyny and biphobia I have faced in my life was at the hands of other women and some of the most outspoken feminists who work tirelessly to tear apart the patriarchy I know are men. My fiancé, a cis man, legit checked MY toxic masculinity yesterday, I recently came out as butch and have been trying to live up to that by staying as strong as possible right now, and HE had to tell me to knock it off and let myself cry. Gender and sex are not indicators of morality and acting like they are is pure, unadulterated radical feminist bullshit.

We can and should absolutely talk about the rise of alt-right beliefs amongst men in this country, especially young men, but we cannot ignore that young women are buying into that shit too and a lot of it is COMING FROM RADICAL FEMINISTS, I cannot fucking stress enough radical feminism is a direct pipeline to becoming a conservative, the TERF to tadwife waterslide is real and likely WHY so many young women are voting conservatively. The more we concede to this rancid bullshit the more women wander directly into the alt-right's open arms.

The problem isn't men, it's systemic misogyny perpetuated by both men AND women, and also fascism. Don't lose sight of the true enemy.

#current events #us politics #politics #us election #radical feminisim #long post #negative #cw nazi mention

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akaraboonline · 2 years ago

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13 Things Women Do That Make Them Look Desperate In A relationship

Particularly when it comes to relationships, desperation frequently results in bad decisions. Sadly, women are frequently the ones who succumb to this cycle of desperation, making errors that ultimately lead to them feeling unhappy and unfulfilled. However, things do not have to be this way. Women can stop the desperate cycle and begin living a life of self-assurance, joy, and fulfillment by avoiding these 13 frequent mistakes. These errors, which range from accepting less than they deserve to pursuing unavailable guys, are all too frequent but may be avoided. Each of these errors will be thoroughly discussed in this post, along with helpful advice on how to avoid them. 13 Things Women Do That Make Them Look Desperate In A relationship

13 Common Mistakes

As a woman, I am aware of how simple it is to get caught in the desperate cycle. This pattern of conduct puts us in unsatisfying relationships and circumstances. It can be challenging, but not impossible, to escape this loop. I will be talking about 13 frequent mistakes that women do that keep them caught in the desperate cycle in this article and providing advice on how to get out of it.

Introduction: Understanding the Desperate Cycle

We have a sense of stagnation and unhappiness when we engage in the desperate cycle of conduct. When we are unable to remove the obstacles in our way, we tend to slip into this habit. The desperate cycle can take many forms, but it typically entails settling for less than we deserve, attempting to change others, and prioritizing the needs of others over our own. It can be challenging to find an escape route while we are caught in the desperate cycle. We believe there is no way out and that we are entrapped. The reality is that there is always a solution. To free oneself requires guts and tenacity, but it is worthwhile.

Mistake #1: Settling for Less Than You Deserve

Accepting less than one deserves is one of the biggest blunders women make. We persuade ourselves that we are incapable of improving or that we are not deserving of more. We settle for unfulfilling relationships or occupations that do not push us. We continue to be unhappy because we are terrified of what is ahead. But accepting less than we deserve only keeps us caught in the cycle of desperation. It is critical to understand our value and that we merit nothing less than the best. We must have confidence in our abilities and self-belief. If you notice yourself settling, step back and assess the circumstance. Consider whether you are actually fulfilled and happy. It is time to alter if the response is negative. Even though it could be frightening, making the initial move toward a better life is worthwhile.

Mistake #2: Trying to Change Someone

Trying to alter someone is a mistake that many women make. We believe we can change someone when we fall in love with them. If we love someone deeply enough, we believe they will change for us. However, individuals can only change if they want to. Attempting to alter someone just causes annoyance and disappointment. It is crucial to love someone with all of their imperfections and accept them for who they are. If you find yourself trying to change someone, stop what you are doing and consider whether you are actually content with the situation. The moment may have come to let go and find someone who accepts you for who you are if the response is negative.

Mistake #3: Putting Others' Needs Before Your Own

Women are frequently instructed to prioritize the needs of others over their own. We learn to put other people's needs ahead of our own. While kindness and compassion are important traits, we should also put our own needs first. Prioritizing the needs of others before our own will only result in exhaustion and resentment. Setting limits and caring for ourselves are vital. We must develop the ability to refuse requests and put our own needs first. If you discover that you frequently prioritize the needs of others over your own, step back and assess the issue. Consider whether you are actually fulfilled and happy. If the answer is no, you should start putting your own needs first.

Mistake #4: Not Setting Boundaries

Women frequently fail to set limits, which is another typical error. We are concerned about offending someone or coming across as conceited. But for our own wellbeing, setting boundaries is crucial. We can define what is and is not acceptable with the use of boundaries. They support us in expressing our demands and defending ourselves from danger. Take a step back and assess the situation if you discover that you are failing to set boundaries. Consider what you are and are not comfortable doing. Then let others know what your boundaries are.

Mistake #5: Ignoring Red Flags

Red flags can be simple to ignore while we are in the desperate cycle. We persuade ourselves that things will turn around or that we are being overly dramatic. But ignoring warning signs only makes things worse and leaves you feeling more let down. It is critical to trust our intuition and pay heed to warning signs. Something is probably not right if it does not feel right. If you discover that you are ignoring warning signs, step back and assess the situation. Consider whether you are actually fulfilled and happy. If the response is no, it might be necessary to reevaluate the circumstances.

Mistake #6: Staying in a Toxic Relationship

Staying in a toxic relationship is one of the worst mistakes that women can make. We deceive ourselves into believing that things will improve or that we are the issue. However, the reality is that a toxic relationship only causes suffering and heartache. Understanding the warning signals of a toxic relationship and when to end it are crucial. If you discover that you are in a toxic relationship, step back and assess the circumstances. Consider whether you are actually fulfilled and happy. It is time to let go and move on if the response is negative.

Mistake #7: Relying on Others for Your Happiness

Relying on other people to make them happy is another error that women frequently make. We believe that finding the ideal job or companion will make us happy. Happiness, however, originates from within. It is crucial to be in charge of our own pleasure and to enjoy the simple things in life. We must learn to accept and love ourselves for who we are. If you discover that you depend on other people to make you happy, step back and assess the situation. Find out what actually makes you happy, then work toward achieving it.

Mistake #8: Not Prioritizing Self-Care

Although self-care is crucial for our wellbeing, we frequently overlook it. We may not think we deserve it or we are too busy taking care of others. Self-care is not, however, selfish. We need it for both our bodily and emotional well-being. It is critical to prioritize our own health and make time for self-care. Self-care should be prioritized, whether it involves a bubble bath or a stroll. If you discover that you are not taking care of yourself, step back and assess the situation. What do you require to feel content and happy?

Mistake #9: Comparing Yourself to Others

Although comparison is the thief of joy, we all engage in it occasionally. We set ourselves up for failure by comparing ourselves to others. But the truth is that each of us is different and has our own assets and liabilities. It is crucial to concentrate on our individual journeys and to acknowledge our individual successes. We must learn to accept ourselves as we are and cease evaluating ourselves in comparison to others. If you catch yourself evaluating yourself in relation to others, step back and assess the circumstance. Focus on your personal journey while asking yourself what makes you special.

Mistake #10: Seeking Validation from Others

Women frequently make the error of looking to others for approval. We seek the affirmation and validation of people' opinions of us. However, the truth is that we do not require external approval to feel deserving. It is critical to develop self-validation and self-confidence. We must stop looking to other people for approval and learn to accept ourselves for who we are. Take a step back and assess the issue if you discover that you are looking to other people for approval. Focus on your own self-worth by asking yourself what makes you deserving.

Mistake #11: Overthinking Everything

We all occasionally engage in overthinking, but when it develops into a routine, it can be harmful to our wellbeing. We overanalyze everything and persuade ourselves that the worst will occur. However, the majority of the time, everything turns out just fine. It is crucial to develop the ability to stop overthinking and to have faith in the process. We need to stop worrying about the future and concentrate on the here and now. If you catch yourself overanalyzing everything, step back and assess the circumstance. What can you do to stop overanalyzing and put more attention on the here and now?

Mistake #12: Not Taking Action Towards Your Goals

Everybody has dreams and goals, but if we do not work toward them, they will only ever be that: dreams. It is crucial to act in order to achieve our goals and turn them into reality. If you discover that you are not making progress toward your goals, step back and assess the situation. What is stopping you from moving forward? Consider these questions as you consider your options. Never forget that you may achieve your goals by taking even the smallest steps.

Mistake #13: Allowing Fear to Hold You Back

Many of us are prevented from living our best lives by fear. Failure or the unknown terrify us. But in reality, fear is just a feeling. We are not subject to its control. It is critical to tackle our anxieties head-on and to keep them from limiting us. If you discover that fear is preventing you from moving forward, step back and assess the situation. You should consider your true fears and the steps you can take to get over them.

Breaking the Desperate Cycle: Tips for Overcoming These Mistakes

The desperate cycle can be broken, however it is not simple. Here are some pointers for avoiding the 13 errors that women frequently commit: - Recognize your worth and don't settle for less than you deserve. - Accept people for who they are and don't try to change them. - Prioritize your own needs and set boundaries. - Pay attention to red flags and trust your instincts. - Let go of toxic relationships and move on. - Take responsibility for your own happiness and find joy in the little things. - Prioritize self-care and make it a priority. - Focus on your own journey and stop comparing yourself to others. - Validate yourself and trust in your own self-worth. - Let go of overthinking and focus on the present moment. - Take action towards your goals and make them a reality. - Face your fears head-on and don't let them hold you back.

Conclusion: Empowering Women to Break the Cycle

The desperate cycle can be broken, however it is not simple. Women have the power to take charge of their life and make the necessary changes to live their best possible lives. We may escape the desperate cycle and lead the lives we actually deserve by acknowledging the mistakes we frequently make and taking action to correct them. So let us give ourselves and one another the tools we need to end the cycle and live our best lives. Read the full article

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yellowloid · 2 years ago

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hello dear! i just read your songs analysis and i think they’re really insightful and clever! i would be so happy to read other song analysis from you (both from tlsp and am)! also i love that you wrote the analysis from a personal view but not under the milex lens (although i would love to read your take on that version)!

hi anon, and thanks!! i'm happy to hear you appreciated my analysis, i love overanalysing lyrics so i'd be 100% down to make more. just drop the am/tlsp/mk songs you want me to analyse in my inbox (and whether you want the analysis to be strictly personal or you want me to go Full Milex Demon TM), and you can bet i'll end up writing a long-ass analysis post. i have so many theories (sometimes even different ones for the same song lmao like in this case) and they're just waiting to be put on paper.

now, since we're on the topic...

✨️mr. schwartz and body paint milex analysis✨️, by yours truly

(once again, this is just fan analysis. it's just as valid as any milex fanfiction i've ever written - meaning that it's completely fictional and i'm not in any way shape or form implying anything about them as real people. just having fun with lyrics and possible interpretations!)

(+ as i said in the other post, i'm analysing them together because there are so many interesting analogies between them and i think they might be connected. brace yourselves because this is gonna be long)

so in the other post i talked about anyways (and the ultracheese, but we could also add star treatment to the mix) as an introduction to the new album, how from what we've seen so far of the car it seems to be a very self-reflective album.

the vibes are quite similar, but if the tbhc self-reflection was done on purpose, almost calculated, the one that seems to characterize the car appears to be almost... annoyed. there's this subtone to it, a faint hue that gives it a sense of reluctant introspection. he's not doing it willingly - he's almost forced to do it, incapable of bottling his thoughts up any longer. like he finally understood he can't run forever (could be the effect of the pandemic, who knows). Also, the tbhc lyrics were absolutely cryptic, and even though the car ones are just as cryptic in some instances, we also find very straightforward, concrete lines ("come here and kiss me before it gets too cute / [...] and if we guess who i'm pretending to be / do we get a prize?" from Mr.S. as well as "watching your every move i feel the tears are coming on [...] and i'm keeping on my costume [...] and if you're thinking of me, i'm probably thinking of you" from BP). if tbhc had ten layers of mysterious metaphors covering it, the car has like... eight, i'd say. still very cryptic, but with a tiny bit more clarity to it. there’s still a lot of smoke covering it, but we can make out shapes a bit more clearly than we did in tbhc.

speaking of anyways specifically, i'd like to focus on that for a moment. everyone knows how it's a very, very personal song - but i don't see enough people talking about the evident parallels with see ya when i see ya:

"what a place for both the opposite sides of my double life to finally collide"

"you're feeling alive, a jekyll and hyde / [...] leading that double life"

like. do i even need to say anything. see ya when i see ya as a whole just screams of alex, but those lines? that's just miles telling everyone "yeah, this is about my absolutely platonic no homo bro", except it’s full homo and he knows he couldn’t make it any clearer even if he tried

also special mention:

"spilled the unspillable beans" (from the bourne identity)

"i put myself on mute before i spill the beans / oh, not again" (from SYWISY)

like. are you getting the vibe? because i sure as hell am

now, taking into consideration the whole discourse about double lives, masks and façades, let's get to Mr.S. and BP. as i said in the other post, in both songs it feels like he's talking to two different 'you's: himself (alternating it with 'i') and a mysterious interlocutor who appears to be someone he has history with. you and i both know who i’m thinking about lmao

body paint comes before mr. schwartz in the tracklist. he starts off strong, straight to the point:

"for a master of deception and subterfuge / you made yourself quite the bed to lie in"

these first two lines seem to refer to him not being able (or not being allowed) to be his true self; this is also confirmed by the 3rd and 4th lines, which are all about the need/urge to keep up (false) appearances and the misery that comes from it: "do your time traveling through the tanning booth / so you don't let the sun catch you crying". the sun could be spotlight, the media and the world's eyes on him, watching his every move. this whole “façade” aspect could easily be interpreted as him hiding his sexual orientation from the world for fear of being judged.

in the second stanza, this awareness also translates into self-deprecation (possibly internalized homophobia):

"my teeth are beating and my knees are weak / it's as if there's something up with the wiring / you can poke your head behind the mountain peak / you don't have to leak that you've gone into hiding"

he blames himself for this situation, for "having gone into hiding": the guilt takes up the form of physical symptoms and he asks himself whether there's something wrong with him ("something up with the wiring"), but at the same time he won't "leak" it, he refuses to admit it.

then there's a turn and he seems to be talking to the other person: "i know what you're thinking", which has Big Milex Telepathy energy, because who else could he share that kind of connection with?

now let's consider these lines from mr. schwartz:

"might be half a love song in it all for you / timing wise it's probably for the best / come here and kiss me now before it gets too cute"

at first he seems to be considering the possibility of giving himself and the other person a chance - the timing is right, they should just live in the moment without dwelling too much on anything else ("kiss me now before it gets too cute"). but then, after the chorus, this happens:

"gradually it's coming into view / [...] as fine a time as any to deduce / the fact that neither you or I has ever had a clue"

it's a bittersweet realisation slowly hitting him: right after he's almost been able to say fuck it and just live in the moment, he realises that neither he or the other person really knows what they're doing - what they've been doing all this time, maybe in terms of how deep they were really in, or how getting that deep would only inevitably end up hurting them both. he’s justifying them and at the same time almost criticising them, because they didn’t know what they were getting into and they really had no idea what they were doing (although, may i add, the other person might disagree on that. they certainly did know and he's just looking for excuses).

and then we have these lines from body paint, which seem to continue on that same route:

"watching your every move i feel the tears are coming on / it won't be long / it won’t be long"

he can't stop lingering on everything the other person does, almost obsessing over them - and at the same time this makes him even more miserable, because of two possible options:

a) he considers giving their relationship a chance, but fears it won't last

b) he feels like he's running out of time, and he needs to make a decision because the other person is still moving around, they won’t wait for him forever, and he feels "it won't be long" until they'll eventually move on. (may i add 2.0, if he thinks miles could ever move on and forget about him then he's even dumber than expected. oblivious king 😔)

however, stubborn as he is, he's choosing to keep up the façade despite his pain ("mr. schwartz is staying strong for the crew"; "and i'm keeping on my costume" in BP), keeping up his appearance ("wardrobe's lint-rolling your velveteen suit"), because he knows that's just how the industry works ("mr. schwartz is having tea with the grips / asking after all the wives and the kids / it's at the heart of what the business is"); he can’t live freely – he’s committed to the role he plays in the industry and he’s convinced breaking character and living his truth is simply not an option. neither he or the other person can change that, it’s just how things work ("there's not one god damn thing that you can do about this"; this also reminds me of these lines from star treatment: “i found out the hard way that / here ain't no place for dolls like you and me”).

but deep down he knows that, no matter how hard he tries to ignore his and the other person's feelings - it doesn't change the fact that those feelings are there, they exist and they can’t just pretend they don’t ("and if you're thinking of me, i'm probably thinking of you"). because that's what they've been doing for years – thinking of and obsessing over each other.

i also find this very interesting:

"and if we guess who i'm pretending to be / do we win a prize?"

it feels like he's responding to miles' attempts at deciphering him, of reading through his behaviour over the years after 2016 (through the entirety of coup de grace + some change the show songs). all these years, miles has been telling him through the veil of song to drop the façade and just be who he is, to stop being afraid and give them a chance, because no matter what he'll always be next to him. this is alex's reply: cynical, because the rose-tinted glasses (the same "rose tint" he mentions in mirrorball, perhaps) are gone, he can't see things the same way he did in 2016 because he forced himself to wake up from that dream. because he's convinced it was just that, a dream - one that could never come true.

but he knows the facts are there, he hasn't forgotten about the past and he knows miles hasn't either. and they can pretend everything is absolutely platonic on the outside, for the sake of their public image, but they both know what used to happen behind closed doors: "straight from the cover shoot / there's still a trace of body paint / on your legs and on your arms and on your face"; photoshoots representing their public side, and the two of them being the only ones who are able to see through each other's public façade. they marked each other in some way, and that mark is very much still there - but it's only completely visible to them, because they're the only ones who really know what happened. it's between them, a secret hidden in plain sight.

(+ these lines sound 100% fully sexual, i'm sorry it's the truth. we all thought about it and i won’t hear anything else about it) (also shout out to @haonsworld for speaking the truth about this part. you're braver than the us marines)

and yeah, alex may be skeptical about the possibility of them ever being something again ("having attempted twice, both incorrectly"), at the same time he can't let go of a tiny spark of hope, asking both himself and miles: "do we get a third try?"

this could also be interpreted as the other anon was saying - that is, them discussing the possibility of tlsp3, and how to make it happen.

either way, although a bit scared of failing, he's asking for a chance. he's hoping for it, despite maybe not knowing exactly how to handle it. but miles has been waiting for him all these years, hasn’t he? and he's ready to stand next to him in that journey.

after all, miles says it himself in caroline: "let me save you from yourself because / caroline, you're living on the edge this time / [...] take my hand / and go and lead the life that you've planned / 'cause you're gonna be just fine / my caroline" ❤️

#please @ am fun police don't come at me #i'm just having fun being a crazy demon 😔#answered #milex #my theories

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piecksz · 4 years ago

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three’s a crowd | (m)

pairing: reiner x fem!reader x eren

warnings: nsfw, oral sex (female recieving), cuckolding, male masturbation, penetrative sex, voyeurism, slight degredation, slight angst, light mention of drugs, explicit language

summary: reiner’s attempt at hiding his attraction towards you fails, but lucky for him, eren’s feeling generous.

words: 4.6k

a/n: this was so much longer than i planned for.....well.....shit LMAOOO

a/n x2: I FORGOT TO ADD if you guys wanna listen to the song i looped like 47 fucking times while writing this, bc i feel like it fits reiner in this one shot kinda well, u can listen to recognize by partynextdoor (feat. drake) :p enjoy

Reiner hated Eren.

He hadn’t gone into living with someone he’d never met in person before with innumerable expectations, but he wasn’t banking on his roommate to be his polar opposite. He hated the sound of Eren’s riotous music into the early hours of dawn. He hated the unbearable malodor of his marijuana dependence, and he hated the way he carried himself with an intolerable air of arrogance, but as much as Eren’s living habits irritated him, it was the fact that Eren had you that presided over all of his grievances.

Being a witness to it made Reiner sick, knowing that you were leagues above Eren, and surely you deserved someone respectable, but somehow he’d charmed you into a long-term relationship, and Reiner wondered how he’d managed it. If by some miracle it had been up to him, Reiner speculated that he would be a viable match for you--that was if he had those sentiments for you--and he reassured himself he didn’t hold any promiscuous feelings towards his roommate’s girlfriend.

Yet it was hard for Reiner to rationalize the obscene thoughts that pervaded his mind at 2 AM. His clock displayed the time in bold red numbers, an indication that he should have been fast asleep, but you had decided to spend the night, and he already understood what that entailed.

The walls in their apartment were thin and did an insubstantial job of muting the noise that traveled between rooms. Reiner boasted the privilege of having his room right next to Eren’s, which meant he could hear everything that happened on the other side of the barrier. He heard every whimper, every groan, every time Eren praised you for taking him so well, and every time he admired how irresistible you looked while he fucked you from the back. The sound was so lucid he could count exactly how many rounds you guys had gone, and it was usually two, three if Eren hadn’t seen you in a while which was rare.

You two were hard to ignore, no matter how hard Reiner had tried, meaning he was also up late, listening while you two coupled. Your cries of stimulation, however, he didn’t mind as much. In truth, Reiner was always tempted to slip his hands into his pants and get himself off to the sound of your enticing whimpers, but he would discourage himself, deciding it was against his better judgement. Instead he would opt to cover his ears with his pillow, flipping over onto his side and dedicating his total effort to falling asleep.

Of course, Reiner had long established that he didn’t like you, but he swore he could make you feel better than Eren could.

It was around midday when Reiner returned to their apartment after committing his morning to helping his long-time friend, Pieck, pack up the furniture at her studio in preparation to move. They were halfway finished with stowing away Pieck’s belongings before she realized they didn’t have enough boxes and apologized, asking Reiner if he’d be willing to return the following day to help her load up her remaining things. He obliged, guiltily happy that he was being dismissed early.

Reiner kicked off his shoes and ambled into the kitchen to set down the food he secured on his way home, but he paused momentarily to scrutinize the condition of the living room, discerning Eren’s obvious trace.

The TV was on, but it sat idly, blinking images of some prime time movie Reiner couldn’t recognize, and Eren’s drug paraphernalia was left scattered on the coffee table, his bong alongside his stray lighter and grinder.

“Eren!” Reiner had prompted him on several occasions, reminding Eren that just because he thought electricity was a necessary utility and should be free, didn’t mean it was, they still had to pay for it. He also requested that he put his bong away after he was done smoking since it wasn’t permitted in their building, but Eren seemed heedless to that demand too. “Eren!”

Reiner anticipated a response, but huffed when he received only silence. Leave it to his roommate to blight his good mood in record time. He mumbled inaudibly, swiping the remote off the table to turn the TV off, and then reluctantly bending down to tidy the space of Eren’s things.

“Hi, Sunshine. You’re up and about early.”

Reiner straightened himself out and turned around, unaware that you’d been over. He missed your approaching footsteps. Had you stayed the night? He didn’t hear anything from Eren’s room the previous evening which was unusual to say the least. Maybe you’d stopped by earlier that morning while he’d been out.

“Hey,” he replied meekly. “Sorry, I didn’t know you were here.”

Reiner’s eyes looked you over swiftly, slightly startled at the lack of clothing covering your bottom half. You were only wearing a loose shirt that stopped dangerously at your hips and a pair of lace undergarments, but naturally, you didn’t seem the least bit phased. You’d practically lived with them. When you weren’t in class or at your part-time job, you were at their apartment, leading Reiner to wonder if you forgot you had a place of your own.

“It’s fine,” you smiled. “Sorry Eren left all of his shit out. I don’t know how I know the house rules and he doesn’t.”

Reiner snorted. “He knows them, he just doesn’t care.” His voice was casual although he walked hastily into the kitchen to avoid looking at you. He stored Eren’s bong in the vacant cupboard above the microwave before throwing his other tools into a miscellaneous drawer.

As if on cue, Eren wandered out of his room languidly, carelessly shrugging a jacket onto his unclad upper body. Reiner took that as a sign that his lunch would be best enjoyed in his room. He was already irked, and wasn’t in the headspace to deal with the current atmosphere.

“What’d you get?” you questioned, leaning over the counter with mirth. You paid little attention to the way Eren came up behind you, circling his arms around your waist and resting his chin in the curve of your shoulder. You looked more interested in the alluring smells wafting from the paper bag in Reiner’s hand.

Another thing he hated about Eren was his shameless PDA. It appeared he adored showing you off, letting everyone know that you were his, but God--how could anyone forget when it seemed he was incapable of keeping his hands off of you. Reiner himself recognized that you were a prize, from your lively eyes that were a marriage of subtle hues to the way your lips curled upwards when you grinned. He even noticed the curve of your breasts’ shape through your shirt. If Reiner had you, he’d want you all to himself.

He shook the thought out of his head.

“I just got something small on the way home.” He forced a smile. “If I’d known you were over I would have gotten you something too.”

“Why do you treat Y/N better than you treat me?” Eren asked, sounding only a little bit offended.

Reiner pretended to think before he responded. “Ah, maybe it’s because I don’t like you.”

You laughed at Reiner’s reply, and Eren only smiled, but Reiner detected something else behind his expression. Mischief.

“Do you like Y/N?”

Reiner creased his eyebrows together. “Of course.” He hadn’t read too much into the question. He did like you. You weren’t just easy on the eyes, but you were great company too. That was the only reason he didn’t mind lending their apartment to you as a second home, he enjoyed being around you.

You let out an exaggerated aww after he answered. “I like you too, Reiner.”

Reiner chuckled, shaking his head, but inside he was telling his heart to calm down. You didn’t mean it like that.

Eren hummed absentmindedly, swaying side to side slowly while you rocked along to his movement.

“Do you wanna fuck her?”

Reiner gripped the bag in his hand tightly, and his smile faltered in shock, reeling from the bombshell of Eren’s question. “What?” Did he hear him correctly?

You looked just as surprised, exclaiming your boyfriend’s name and craning your neck to look at him.

“I’m kidding,” he dismissed, but Reiner could tell he wasn’t from the way Eren’s eyes didn’t waver from him.

What Reiner didn’t know was that Eren had caught onto him. He’d known for a while, which was why he was particularly touchy with you around Reiner, showing you off, not caring whether you walked around their apartment scarcely dressed, it was because Eren enjoyed having something that someone else wanted. He saw the way his roommate acted around his girlfriend, reserved and quiet, more than he usually was, and he even noticed the way Reiner’s eyes dipped down to your chest in the moment because Eren was exceptional at paying attention to detail.

You must have detected how uncomfortable Reiner felt because you delivered a brief jab to Eren’s ribs with your elbow.

“Eren, that’s not fucking funny,” you chided. “Do I need to put you in time out?”

“It’s fine,” Reiner interrupted quickly. He didn’t want you defending him because you were oblivious. It only made the situation more embarrassing than it already was since, truthfully, the thought had crossed his mind more than once.

Eren reiterated his question, eyes narrowed at Reiner. “So do you?”

You sighed heavily and looked at Reiner apologetically. He could feel his face growing hot, and he prayed it wasn’t obvious he was as flushed as he felt. He just wanted to get out of there as fast as possible.

Reiner released a humourless chuckle. “Grow up, Eren.” He slipped past the two of you, but he didn’t get far.

“I’m only asking because I’m feeling charitable. You wouldn’t mind, would you baby?”

Reiner could hear Eren pressing a series of ticklish kisses against your skin, causing you to laugh through your answer.

“I mean, I wouldn’t mind if Reiner doesn’t mind.”

Reiner brought his teeth down hard on the tip of his tongue. He was surprised that Eren was so secure in his relationship that he would willingly allow another man to have his way with his girlfriend. He wasn’t sure if his suggestion was insane or ingenious, because Eren had taken control of the one thing that threatened any relationship: infidelity, something so unvirtuous wouldn’t stop him from loving you. You and Eren were so committed to each other that a simple fuck meant nothing.

Reiner hesitated, but figured an opportunity like this was rare. He had both Eren’s permission and yours, yet he still didn’t believe his sincerity until you were in Eren’s room, starting to strip out of your clothes.

His chestnut eyes drifted over to Eren, slouched lazily in the chair he casually pulled out from his desk. “You’re gonna watch?”

Eren lifted a thick eyebrow, resting his thumb under his chin with an index finger against his cheek, looking unimpressed by Reiner’s obvious reservations. “You think I’d let you fuck my girlfriend without me here?”

Reiner slid a tense hand over the back of his neck, rubbing away the uncomfortable heat that creeped up his back and diffused to the tips of his ears. He figured that was reasonable considering the circumstances, after all, he was only fucking you because Eren had allowed it.

There was nothing more intoxicating to Reiner than your bare form, scanty pink lace clinging to your hips the only thing preventing you from being completely naked in front of him. His gaze dipped from your simpering smile down to your collarbones and then down to your breasts, perfectly sculpted to your figure.

Reiner made no efforts to move despite his insatiable urge to grab you in his arms and make certain that you were left satisfied. He feared he’d look too eager to Eren who was observing from the sidelines, but you paid little attention to your audience of one as you sauntered towards Reiner, closer and closer, until your arms slid around his neck and you pressed your chest to his torso.

Reiner’s body was strung so tightly, he was afraid he might snap. It seemed you took notice of the way his muscles tensed once your delicate fingers ghosted over the nape of his neck because your suggestive expression waned, and instead, your eyebrows creased with sincere concern.

“You okay?”

He couldn’t respond, but to be fair, it was because his heart was hammering against his chest and he wasn’t sure how to make it stop. He looked over at Eren again, who, fortunately, didn’t seem to pay much attention to him. Instead, your boyfriend’s stare was fixed on your backside, likely admiring how luscious you looked from his perspective.

“I’m over here.” You laughed and pressed a gentle finger to Reiner’s chin, redirecting his focus back to you. “Just relax.”

He swallowed, chuckling to soothe his unease. “I’m trying.”

Reiner wasn’t sure why he felt so unassertive in your presence. He didn’t hold a record like Eren did, but he also wasn't abstinent by any means. This, though, felt different. He was dealing with several months of pent-up sexual frustration that could only be satisfied by you and no one else. He knew because he’d tried.

Reiner drew in a ragged breath as you leaned into him, breathing heavily through his mouth until you closed the space in between you two, then he continued breathing heavily through his nose. At first, he made no efforts to close his eyes, afraid that the imagery in front of him was a mirage inspired by his own imagination and would disappear if he so much as blinked. His lips were timid, body taut under your touch, but you seduced his mouth, reining him in until he melted into the kiss.

He pushed back against you with fervor and desperation, outlining the shape of your bottom lip with his tongue before nipping at the soft flesh. You released a quiet whimper, intensifying the lust swelling in the pit of his stomach, and Reiner forced his tongue past your teeth, claiming your mouth while his wandering hands settled audaciously against your ass.

Your hands slid over his shoulders and crafted biceps until they tugged hastily against the hem of his shirt, and Reiner immediately understood your cue, withdrawing his mouth from yours to give himself just enough time to slip out of it. He dipped down again to deliver another kiss, but he was deterred by the feeling of your palm against his chest.

“What? Is something wrong?” he questioned quickly, eyes darting back and forth between your hand and your face, worried that he’d done something to overstep your boundaries.

Instead of the troubled expression he expected, you looked rather intrigued. Perhaps impressed was the better word. Your curiosity was held by Reiner’s physique, a living work of art. Eager fingers traveled down the built ripples of his abdomen, chuckling once you felt his muscles flex under your touch.

“Jesus Christ,” you breathed. “Nice, Braun.”

A snicker emitted from the corner. This, miraculously, Eren allowed.

Reiner's mouth quirked upward in a subtle smile before he surrounded you with his arm, pulling you in for another kiss. He walked you backwards until you collapsed onto the mattress, and he fell on top of you, strong forearms holding up his weight. It was then that Reiner realized he allowed his lust to win in the war against himself.

He pulled away to recover his breath, winded pants fanning over your face. His surveying eyes searched yours before they lowered to your swollen lips. God, you were even more mesmerizing up close, heavy-lidded and studying him through a curtain of eyelashes. Maybe for once Reiner would admit he was jealous of Eren. He was fucking envious, bitter, and spiteful that you were his. He’d been a goddamn idiot to let things go this far, agreeing to Eren’s offer, because he knew one fuck wouldn’t be enough to fufill his need for you. He’d barely gotten a taste, and he could already promise that nothing would ever compare to this.

He found your throat and pressed a fleeting kiss to your pulse, moving further down until his lips met your collarbone. He nipped at the delicate skin, taking notice of the way your grip in his hair tightened. His eyebrows arched while he peered up at you, delighting in the way your head rolled back and forth against the duvet. He really wanted to suck at your skin, leaving dark bruises that decorated the path from your earlobe down to your breastbone, but he knew Eren would kill him.

Reiner dipped lower until his lips brushed lightly against your beaded nipple. You made a small sound of protest, but held his head closer, letting him know what you really wanted. His heart beat erratically against his ribcage as he curved a large hand around your right breast and suppressed a groan, but you released a breathy whimper.

He could feel the sound wreaking havoc in his brain. His balls were so damn tight, it would take barely any effort for him to cum, but he wanted to prolong your coupling as long as possible. He didn’t know if he’d ever get another chance like this.

His thumb ran over the erect peaks of your breasts, captivated by the magic of watching your back arch and your body become aroused under his touch. He dipped a finger into his mouth, glazing it with his saliva before using it to flick back and forth at your nipple.

“Fuck, Reiner,” you mewled.

Reiner replaced his hand with his lips, sucking the sensitive bud into his mouth. The tip of his tongue swirled around it, coating it generously with his spit, while you made no attempts to conceal your intense cries of pleasure.

Eren released an entertained sigh, swiveling back and forth in his chair. “She whines like a bitch, doesn’t she?”

Shit. Reiner had almost forgotten he was there, but he still released a hungry grunt in agreement, sending vibrations over your chest. He tugged at your nipple with his teeth, releasing it, and then soothing the sting with the flat side of his tongue.

He trailed down your abdomen, pressing hard wet kisses and stopping to leave a quick lick to your navel. He grinned against your skin when you gripped the sheets and breathed his name again, this time quieter, as if you meant it only for his ears. He liked to think so.

Once he reached the waistband of your panties, he licked along the fabric, immobilizing your rolling hips with strong hands.

“Enough with the theatrics, Reiner. Just do it already,” Eren groaned, sounding irate.

Reiner assumed Eren’s groan was only to stress his impatience, but once he looked over to him, he realized he wasn’t just giving directives from the sidelines. His bottom lip was tucked between his teeth, and his hand was moving steadily against the noticeable tent in his sweatpants.

He was enjoying this just as much as Reiner was, getting off to the sight of his girlfriend under another man, his roommate nonetheless.

Reiner suddenly felt strange. What the hell was he doing providing entertainment for Eren?

“Reiner,” your needy voice pulled him out of his reflection. His attention drifted back to you, watching while you propped yourself up on your elbows and slid your unsteady hands over your chest to tweak your own nipples, as if you were trying to hold yourself over.

He wished you hadn’t looked so tempting, even with your disheveled hair and sweaty skin, your vulnerable eyes fixated on him, and he was powerless.

Reiner hooked his fingers around your underwear, kissing a trail down the inside of your thighs as he pulled your panties down to your ankles before slipping them off and letting them pool on the floor.

“Spread wide baby, let him see that pretty pussy,” Eren stirred, cock now thrust out the top of his grey sweats and his swollen tip glistening with precum. His hand was wrapped firmly around his stiff length, moving slow while his breathing quickened.

For once, Reiner agreed with him, and he pressed his fingers into your thighs to aid you in parting your legs. Your pussy was slick with your own arousal, squelching as you tightened around nothing. You were even prettier than he’d imagined.

“Fuck,” Reiner breathed, extending two fingers to part your folds. Was he still sure he wasn’t dreaming?

He wrapped his built arms around your legs, pulled you closer, and lowered his head. He fixed his lips to your swollen clit, allowing his tongue to lap and circle around the tender bud every few seconds.

“Oh my god,” you cried, writhing against the sheets.

If he hadn’t secured your legs in his grip, he was certain you would have smothered him between your thighs out of reflex. He could detect the way you fought against his hold, but he far overpowered you in strength.

When he plunged his tongue inside you without notice, that was nearly enough to send you over the edge. You pulled on the sheets with a frenzied grip, producing a shrill cry your neighbors had certainly heard. There was no doubt about it.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” you murmured, chest expanding and falling with labored breaths.

Reiner wanted to spend a few more generous minutes tasting you, he couldn’t get enough, but he also wasn’t sure how much longer he would last. His cock was hot and hard in his pants, and he needed to feel you around him. Even if Eren wouldn’t let him cum inside of you, he needed to experience at least that much.

He rose to his feet, working quickly against his pants’ zipper while trying not to tease himself by looking at you. He was worried the mere sight of you on the bed, spread and ready for him would be enough to bring him to a climax, but he’d made the mistake of looking at you anyways, hand between your legs, delicate fingers rubbing at your clit while you stared up at him.

Fucking hell. Kill me. Reiner thought. Fuck. He felt the throbbing heat of his cock, and he wished you wouldn’t look at him like that. He really wished you wouldn’t look at him like that.

“Look at her, so desperate to be filled. It’s almost pathetic,” Eren laughed, but it was clear he was feeling your effect too. He lolled his head forward, long brown hair spilling over his shoulders and obscuring his face while his palm worked fast against his cock.

Shut up, Reiner thought. His head was growing hazy, and he couldn’t think. He needed to be inside you, and he couldn’t wait a second longer.

Reiner let himself free while his pants and underwear hung low around his knees. He couldn’t even find time to delight in the way your face melted into bliss once you laid eyes on his thick cock, leaking precum in sinful amounts because all he could think about was his ache. He leaned over you, positioning himself at your entrance.

He’d been waiting for this for so goddamn long.

Reiner exhaled when you said his name again, hips undulating against his cock and wet folds stroking his tip. He watched as he pushed himself into you, filling you to the hilt, and once he was inside he hung his head forward, eyes shut tightly in a painful sort of ecstasy.

“You’re so fucking tight,” Reiner grunted breathlessly.

He groaned, pinning your hips down with his once you attempted to fuck yourself onto his cock.

“Stop moving,” he pleaded. “Jesus christ--please don’t move.” He stayed still for a moment, waiting until his sensitivity subsided before he started rocking his hips against you slowly.

Reiner couldn’t dedicate his focus to anything other than the feeling of your slick walls clenching around his cock every time he pulled out, and the way he stretched you out every time he thrusted back in. He wondered if you could feel the depth of his desire.

“Harder,” you whispered once, and then begged louder. “Reiner please, fuck me harder.”

At first, Reiner was worried. He wanted to be gentle, he wanted to savor you, and he wanted to make sure he didn’t hurt you, but your request had him picking up the pace, ramming into you until the familiar slapping sound of sweaty skin filled the room.

You unraveled and became completely undone, letting out loud moans every time he drove his cock into you. Reiner thought the sound was incredibly euphonic as it fell upon his ears. You were like this because of him.

“How’s this?” His voice was husky and deep beside your ear.

Reiner was pleased by your lack of response. You could only nod, overwhelmed by the dual sensation brought on by him and the feeling of your quick fingers against your clit. You secured an arm around his neck again and wrapped your legs around his torso, clinging to him like he was all you needed. He wished that was how you really felt.

“Close…,” you murmured, and Reiner deduced you were warning him that you were near your orgasm. He could tell by the way your walls began to spasm.

Reiner felt the small of his back tighten, and he knew he was close too. He was torn between his release and holding himself back, not ready for this to end just yet, but his body betrayed him and he felt his cock twitch inside you.

Luckily, you reached your climax first, and Reiner watched in awe as your body seized underneath him, breasts bobbing with every jolt while you worked your clit into overstimulation. It wasn’t long after your orgasm that he made his last rueful thrusts. He quickly pulled out and clasped himself in the curve of his hand. He pumped his length until he released in quick spurts onto your stomach, covering you in his hot seed, and he kept pumping until he made sure he emptied himself of every drop.

His eyes quickly darted over to Eren, not to be odd or anything, but again, he had forgotten he was there. It seemed Eren had already satisfied himself. The creamy, white liquid decorating the bare skin of his abdomen and dribbling down his loose fist was evidence of that. Now that he had appeased his urges, he seemed disinterested as he reached over his desk and plucked a few tissues to clean himself up.

Reiner collapsed beside you, listening to the loud thudding of his heart as it delivered a few ecstatic beats while he caught his breath and began to calm down. He stared at the pivoting fan blades, and then his eyes dropped down to you lying next to him, sweaty and fucked out.

You were laying there with him, and goddammit he wanted to reach his arms out and wrap them around you, pulling you close so he could hold you and feel your heartbeat against his chest. He’d press kisses to your salty forehead, and then tell you how much he loved you. He wanted to stay like this.

Reiner's ideal vision dissolved once Eren stopped at the edge of the bed and extended his hand for you to grab.

“You wanna join me for a shower, baby?” Eren asked.

Of course, you took it, allowing him to support you until you were sitting up.

You released an exhausted laugh. “Yes, please.” You then turned to Reiner and arched your eyebrow in surprise. “By the way, not bad, Braun.”

Reiner gave you a small smile in return, but said nothing as he watched you cover your breasts with your arm and let Eren hoist you off the bed. You two slid past him and headed out of the room, but not without Eren looking back over his shoulder, shooting Reiner a shit-eating grin, as though reminding him who you’d always belong to.

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soundcrusher · 2 years ago

Text

The Hunt

Part 5 of season 2 from my ongoing story set in the sentient SG/LL au from @cuppajj is out everyone! Wooo!

You guys don't know how happy I am for finally getting this out, after starting Thrillchaser's part yesterday in the evening, when I was nott very there....

I was very tired.

Either way, please enjoy.

Trigger Warning: Mentions of Trauma(??) and Phoenix has a small panic attack.

--.o.--.o.--.o.--.o.--.o.--.o.--.o.--.o.--.o.--.o.--

It took Thrillchaser a while to find Rodimus and Phoenix, despite the tracker he put onto their ship. Something that would have made the former Autobot hunter mad in the past, but now? Now he was incapable of feeling anything, especially if it involved hunting stray mechs running from their home and him not finding them.

Sometimes, he missed being able to feel anything. He was, after all, named after the one thing he loved doing the most. Chasing thrills and seeing where they would lead him. But ever since his ‘correction’ on board the Lost Light, he no longer felt the need to do so. Now, all he could do was follow orders and nothing more. Maybe that was his punishment for leaving behind his only love and their sparkling. Being reduced to nothing more than a simple puppet for a ship hellbent on keeping their prime in their grasp. A puppet who failed to make sure their masters favorite mech and the youngling they found wouldn’t leave them.

Thrillchaser’s plating rattled, as he remembered what happened after Rodimus and Phoenix made their escape. Yes, the Lost Light was pleased with him for putting a tracker onto the ship they took, but they still punished him for not keeping an eye on both of them. It wasn’t like the first punishments he got. The Lost Light already knew that he could no-longer feel anything for those he killed, and those who died. So, they took advantage of the last thing he could feel, until that was gone too. Which meant that Thrillchaser now not only has no concept of emotions, but also pain. Pain was nothing to him anymore. He could be taken apart, but he wouldn’t scream. He wouldn’t beg. And he wouldn’t feel anything at all.

Maybe that’s why the local Cybertronians of this neutral colonie avoided him. They probably could feel something was off with him. But they didn’t stop him from walking through their village, nor did they stop him, as he made his way towards the farm located on the outskirts. A farm, he learned from watching his prey for weeks, was visited frequently by both Rodimus and Phoenix. Often to do work, but sometimes they would go there to simply talk with the couple living on the farm.

Something the Lost Light was not happy about, as he reported his findings to them. In fact, they seemed angry, dare he say outraged at the thought of their captain and little bird spending time with the old couple. But Thrillchaser could not stop them from visiting the old mech and femme, unless he wanted to give away the element of surprise. So, he did nothing concerning Softstreet and Fungus and just kept his optics on his prey. Waiting for the right opportunity to strike.

And his time came, as he saw Phoenix alone near the ship the two mechs called their home. As far as Thrillchaser knew, Rodimus was in the village getting supplies, while leaving Phoenix unprotected. An ideal condition for capture. So, Thrillchaser carefully adjusted his gun arm, before aiming at a branch above Phoenix. If he didn’t miscalculate, the branch would fall down and knock the unsuspecting youngling out, before he could even let out one scream. Of course, Thrillchaser could also shoot the youngling and capture him, while he was laying on the ground and holding his wound, but then Phoenix would still be able to scream. And that could alert the prime. Something Thrillchaser didn’t want to happen, because then he would have to give up on an advantage.

So, Thrillchaser took his shot and hit the branch. Watching it as it fell down and right on top of Phoenix’s head. Knocking the youngling out before he could even scream. But before the flier could even claim his prize, the sound of someone rushing into the clearing stopped him. Which meant Thrillchaser couldn’t get out of his hiding place in the bushes and had to watch Rodimus Prime pick up the youngling and quickly rush into the ship. Taking off shortly afterwards.

Great, Thrillchaser couldn’t wait to report back to the Lost Light. They sure enough will be thrilled to know that he almost had them.

...

Phoenix didn’t know what happened. It was a normal day for him. Well, as normal of a day it can be for a youngling like him. He and Rodimus just came back from Fungus and Softstreet’s farm, with him staying by the ship and reading a data-pad underneath a nearby tree, while Rodimus went back towards the market to buy more supplies.

Usually, Phoenix would have gone with his brother, but today? He didn’t want to, and Rodmius accepted that, despite him looking like he didn’t want to leave him behind. Maybe he should have gone with Rodimus but then again, how should he have known something would hit him in the head? At least, Phoenix thought something hit him in the head. It hurts like something did. Maybe he should open his optics and see if there is a dent in his helm now. Would be stupid if there was.

With that thought in mind, Phoenix opened his optic, only to be med with utter darkness surrounding him. Well, it wasn’t completely dark, there was a small light coming from somewhere down the hall he was standing in… Wait… this hall looked familiar. This wasn’t their new home. Their ship didn’t have long hallways, nor did it have this many doors. No.

Nonononono! This wasn’t their ship.

He was back. Why was he back? He didn’t want to be back!

He didn’t want to be back on the Lost Light!

But before Phoenix could spiral down into his own thoughts, the sudden movements he could hear coming from behind stopped him. They were light, too light to belong to any cybertronian he knew. Scratch that, he knew exactly who was walking behind him. He knew, and that made him start running down the hall. Taking turns and weaving through cables hanging from the walls and jumping over pipes coming out of the floor.

Phoenix knew exactly who was behind him, and this time, he would make sure that the Stranger wouldn’t catch up on him. Well, at least he tried to run from the stranger as best as he could, but just like in their first encounter, Phoenix was cornered in the bridge. With the only difference being that there was no Rodimus sitting in the captain’s chair. Where was his brother? Isn’t he supposed to be here? It doesn’t matter. The Stranger was coming closer and Phoenix had nowhere to go. No place to hide in and no other plan than to face the Stranger head on.

So, Phoenix waited for the stranger to enter the bridge, with nothing more than his closed fists as defense. And despite the fear gnawing at his spark, Phoenix stood his ground. With his wings spreading out defensively, as soon as the Stranger entered the bridge. Although, something wasn’t right. At first, the Stranger was clad in shadows like the first time Phoenix met them, but the closer they stepped, the more he could make out. And slowly, the Strangers' shadows morphed into a shape known to the youngling. The Stranger looked like Lightlost. No… the Stranger WAS Lightlost.

“What is wrong, little bird? Aren’t you happy to see me?” Asked Lightlost in that same voice they would use when they would soothe Phoenix’s worries. But then again, they also used that voice when they locked him in that room, and when they… when they took his wings. “Well, I am happy to see you. But, why did you run? Was it because of what your past crew did? Was it because I locked you in the hab-suite? By now, you should know that I only did it, because I only had your best interests in mind.” With each word, Lightlost took one step closer to the frozen youngling.

Why wouldn’t he move? Why couldn’t he move?! Phoenix wanted to run, he wanted to get away, he wanted to run past Lightlost and escape this nightmare, but he couldn’t! He couldn’t move! If it wasn’t because of the fear that froze him to the spot, then it was because of the cables slowly sneaking up his body and holding him down. Either way, Phoenix could only stare at the mech he saw as a parent, as they slowly walked past him, to stay behind his back and softly place a servo on the younglings left wing. Something that caused Phoenix’s plating to shudder from both fear and the slowly rising panic in his spark.

“I see that someone has repaired your wings… I do not like them. They make you look too different from my captain.” Said Lightlost, before letting out a cheerful chuckle. “I guess that means I have to remove them again.” And by removing, Phoenix knew what they truly meant, and it hurt like the first time Lightlost took his wings. Maybe even worse. Either way, Phoenix’s screams were just as blood curdling as before.

...

Rodimus didn’t think much after making sure they were off the planet. Why should he? The prime already knew that finding this planet was too good to be true and that they stayed too long. That’s why he made sure to gather enough supplies, especially after he heard from Fungus that a strange mech was walking around town. Alone from the description, he knew that Thrillchaser had found them. How, he didn’t know, but that didn’t matter. Not when he found Phoenix getting knocked out by a branch the exact moment he decided to come back to their ship. It was too much of a coincidence to be anything else than that blasted Autobot hunter. So, Rodimus took the rash decision of leaving the planet right then. Even if they couldn’t say goodbye to Fungus and Softstreet. Something he was sure Phoenix would hold under his nose. The youngling has become quite attached to the old couple after all. And Rodimus had to admit, that he himself also has started to like the old wolf and grounder.

But he shouldn’t think about them. Not now. Not when he had to figure out where to head to now. There was a nice planet they could use to go undercover to get the interior change completed. Although, there was the trouble of the DJD sometimes showing up. Granted, wherever they go, the DJD could show up, and Rodimus was sure that they would try to ‘save’ Phoenix from him. Something a normal mech would let them do, but Rodimus wasn’t sure if he was ready to let the youngspark go.

Rodimus was harshly pulled from his thoughts, as he heard Phoenix’s screams. Which led to him dropping his map and quickly rushing towards the back of the ship. Spotting his brother on the bed they made. Tangled up in various blankets, while the young spark tossed either in pain or in an attempt to escape whatever he was dreaming off. And frankly, Rodimus didn’t care about which of the two things was right, not when his brother was clearly dreaming of something that caused him distress.

So, he quickly made his way over to Phoenix and sat down next to him. Carefully stroking the younglings head to see if it would calm him down, while either softly humming or telling Phoenix that he was safe. And it seemed to work, because his brother slowly calmed down, before completely stopping with his trashing and opening his optics.

“Hey there…” Whispered Rodimus, as he gave Phoenix a small reassuring smile. Something the youngling seemed to appreciate, because he smiled back. Although, something that took the prime by surprise, was Phoenix quickly getting up and hugging him. A hug, Rodimus gave his brother back, while softly muttering reassuring words.

“It was them… wasn’t it? It has always been them…” Whispered Phoenix quietly, after a moment of silence.

“Who are you talking about?” Asked Rodimus.

“Lightlost… The Stranger has always been them… hasn’t it?” Whispered Phoenix yet again. “… Wh-why didn’t I see it? I should have… I should have…. Lightlost took my wings… They took them! Roddy, they took my wings! And… and they… they… And I still like them! I still see them as a parent! Roddy… what… what is wrong with me? What is wrong with me?!”

Rodimus, for the first time since their escape, felt helpless as he watched his brother slowly spiraling more and more into a panic attack. Phoenix didn’t even respond to him softly calling his name. Instead, Rodimus had to watch the young spark tremble in his arms, while he softly clutched his head in his servos. Letting out soft mutters then and there.

So, after letting out a defeated sigh, Rodimus decided to simply hold his brother close to his spark, while softly rocking back and forth. Waiting for Phoenix to calm down, before saying something. “Phoenix… nothing is wrong with you. And I am saying this with all of my spark. Nothing is wrong with you. You can trust me on that.” And that’s the way they stayed for a while, with Rodimus holding Phoenix, while the younger mech worked through his confusing emotions. Then and there, Phoenix would start a conversation with Rodimus about random topics, and Rodimus, knowing that Phoenix was searching for a way to distract himself, simply obliged. Knowing full well that it might not be the best course of action, but Rodimus wasn’t a professional and he wanted to make his brother feel comfortable. Also, it seemed to help, because Phoenix was a lot calmer after having a nice talk with Rodimus.

And as Rodimus watched his brother get up to start cooking with the newly installed kitchen, the prime couldn’t help but hope that the next planet they landed on would be far enough away from Thrillchaser and the Lost Light.

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pupandangelscoffee · 4 years ago

Text

Three makes a family

Eddie Diaz x Evan "Buck" Buckley x Female reader

Genre: mostly fluff, slight angst in the middle

TW: mentions of alcohol, arguing

Word count: slightly over 3K

Taglist: @enterprise-medical

Buck really loved Carla and he knew that Eddie did too, especially since Chris always seemed to happy around her. That is why he did not understand why Eddie chose to hire a babysitter for Chris, clearly Carla could do the babysitting. Eddie tried explaining that he wanted Carla to be able to have some days off, too. After all, it can be exhausting to babysit a very energetic kid all day.

Even if Buck does not understand Eddie’s motivations, he is now sitting in the older male’s living room and waiting for the doorbell to ring, already painting a picture of the babysitter in his head. She probably looks like an evil witch with gray hair and lots of wrinkles on her face, making her seem friendly despite her secretly scaring children by telling them she would eat them. Though as soon as the doorbell rings, Chris starts racing his dad to the door, leaving a very confused Buck behind. “Why did his little buddy seem so excited to see the new babysitter? Why was his little buddy more excited to see his babysitter than he was when Buck came over earlier?? This just feels unfair!” Buck concludes in his head, getting up and walking to the kitchen to grab himself a drink. From his place he can hear the excited yells from Chris, a small smile immediately creeping on his face though dropping almost instantly when he remembers that he wasn’t the one making Chris that happy.

After taking another deep breath, he makes his way over to the living room very steadily, ready to assess you. However, as soon as he lays eyes on you, he chokes up and trips over his own feet, crashing into the small table on the side and dropping his glass. Startled by the sound, Chris, Eddie and you turn around to face him, you immediately jumping up and helping the young firefighter with the broken glass. “You didn’t tell me that I have to babysit two kids, Eds” you state, earning laughter from Chris and Eddie and an embarrassed look from Buck. “You must be Buck, right? Chris has told me a lot about you” you tell the embarrassed man, who is still in shock from seeing your beauty up close. Chuckling softly, you grab the shards of broken glass from his hands before heading to the kitchen to get a towel and throw the shards away.

“So, what do you think?” Eddie asks Buck softly while you are out of the room, however, he does not get a response as Buck simply continues staring at the spot you were sitting a moment ago. Chris slowly gets up and hugs Buck, thinking that the firefighter got hurt when he tripped, though Eddie quickly understood what was going on and shakes his head. Seems like Buck 1.0 still existed somewhere in his younger friend, despite everyone telling him that Buck was no longer like that. Perhaps he should talk to Maddie about this, needing someone’s opinion, that actually knew Buck as well as he did. Though before he has the chance to excuse himself, you are back in the living room and making your way over to Chris. “Ready for a fun day, Chris?” you ask him with a smile playing on your lips to which Chris eagerly nods and allows you to pick him up. “I will bring him home at 8 tonight, alright Eds?” you state, turning to look at the older male. “Yeah, 8 sounds perfect. I will see you tonight.” He replies, smiling at you and walking over to press a kiss goodbye onto Chris’s forehead.

As soon as you and Chris are gone, he gets another cup of water and pours it over Buck’s head, successfully pulling him out of his trance. “Do not even think about sleeping with Y/N, Evan.” He states lowly, giving the younger firefighter a glare while Buck just looks up at him sheepishly. “In my defense, you forgot to mention that the new babysitter was smoking hot. A warning would have been nice.” He grumbles as he shakes his head, sending water droplets flying everywhere before getting up and dropping on to the couch with a small groan. The response left Eddie frowning, sure, he was aware that you were attractive and he would be lying if he said that he wasn’t attracted to you, especially after seeing how much Chris adores you. However, that did not lessen the blow of Buck’s blunt response. Perhaps that was why he was fearing that Buck 1.0 was back, he didn’t want you to be scared off purely because his best friend was incapable of keeping his dick in his pants. “Just try not to fuck her immediately when you get her alone, please. Chris really likes her.” Eddie nearly begs, deciding it was better that he doesn’t add that he likes you too. Buck sighs and nods, pouting a bit. Though for his little buddy, he would definitely try not to get into her pants. After all, he didn’t want Chris to hate him, especially if it was because he couldn’t control himself around you. However, this wasn’t going to stop him from teasing Eddie by flirting with you, because despite the older man trying to hide it, he could tell that Eddie had a thing for you as well.

8 comes quicker than the two males expect and they are slightly startled from their cuddled position when they hear the door opening. Glancing out into the hallway, they spot you carrying a sleeping Chris into his room, unknowingly causing both of the males to smile. Soon enough, you walk into the living room and whisper “he is asleep now and probably won’t be waking up any time soon. We had a lot of fun” before grabbing your bag that you placed on the table in the hallway on your way in. It was clear that you were about to leave, so Buck jumps up and grabs your hand, putting on his best kicked puppy expression. “Why don’t you stay for a bit longer? We have some wine in the fridge and I will drop you off at your place later, I wouldn’t feel right letting a pretty lady like yourself be outside all by yourself.” He states softly, pouting a bit in hopes that it would convince you to stay. You glance between him and his friend, who was eagerly nodding, before sighing and setting down your bag. “Fine, I’ll stay for a bit. But only if you have anything to eat that isn’t almost pure sugar.” You agree, your request causing the older male to jump into motion and quickly rushing into the kitchen to put a pizza in the oven for you. Meanwhile, Buck leads you back to the couch, not letting go of your hand until you pull it away.

Somehow you end up being squished between the two men, a glass of wine in your hand and the pizza on the table. After some small arguing, they decided to just let you choose the movie, so now they had to suffer through one of your favorite horror movies. While you sit there not even flinching, Buck is absolutely terrified and unsure whether he should feel impressed by the fact that you do not mind horror movies or scared that you clearly do not cringe at the big amounts of blood spattering all over the screen. On the other side, Eddie has managed to wrap his arm around your shoulder, with the excuse that he feels safer if he knows that you and Buck are safe and within his reach. He is definitely impressed by your ability to keep a straight face at the movie, though definitely not as surprised as Buck, especially because he knew about your background.

Soon enough the first movie is finished, then a second one, then a third and the next thing you know, you wake up to the smell of bacon in a bed that was most certainly not yours. Looking down at yourself, you realize that the shirt you are wearing is also not yours, leaving you confused for a moment because you do not recall getting changed the previous night. Sighing, you quickly come to the conclusion that one of the two men must have changed you. Rubbing the sleep out of your eyes, you make your way into the kitchen, where you are greeted by the sight of a small family breakfast with Buck, Eddie and Chris. Deep inside your heart, you wish to wake up to that small family every morning, though that wish quickly gets locked up and hidden from the world as you make your way to the coffee machine to get a cup. Chris is the first of the three to react to your presence, calling out your nickname before grinning brightly at you. “Good morning, little one. Did you help make breakfast?” You ask, sitting down on the counter to smile at the nodding boy. “Yeah!! Daddy gave me instructions!” He explains with an excited tone before glancing at the clock and frowning. “Can you convince dad to let me stay at home today?” He asks you with a hushed tone, causing you to giggle and shake your head, whispering back “sorry, but I am sure that the captain would not enjoy you missing your big day in school. Or how else is your group supposed to present the fantastic poem you wrote?”. Chris tilts his head before thinking for a moment. “Fair after school?” he tries to negotiate, causing you to giggle again before nodding. “Sure thing, buddy. Now go brush your teeth and I will drive you to school, okay?” “Okay, mommy!” Chris replies before rushing off to brush his teeth, leaving an uncomfortable silence behind as his words sink into all of you.

Eddie and Buck are watching your interaction with Chris, the sound of your giggles making the smile without realizing it. Surely, you must have noticed that they changed you into something more comfortable last night after you had fallen asleep on Eddie’s chest. However, it just felt natural to the two males to take care of you and make you breakfast, Chris being a bit help. Though when Chris calls you mommy, they freeze and Buck even chokes on his piece of the pancake. They certainly did not expect that Chris was that fond of you, though Eddie is slightly less surprised than Buck, thinking about the countless times that Chris had asked for you to come over. Still, the sudden name caused his movement to halt as well, his brain going haywire, trying to figure out if Chris had somehow found out about his attraction for you and that is why he felt so comfortable with calling you mommy. Or perhaps it was simply because the men had decided to pull one of Eddie’s shirt on you yesterday and that is what made it seem like you two were dating. Or was it the couple of times he had invited you out with Chris and him for dinner? His train of thought is quickly broken though, when Chris appears in the kitchen and says goodbye to the two men, calling Buck dad and Eddie daddy before rushing off to your car. Once again you three are left alone in the kitchen, the silence deafening. “Drive safely, okay?” Buck manages to mutter out, making you nod. Glancing between the two men, you decide to peck their cheeks before rushing out after Chris, grabbing your bag in the process to drive him to the school.

When you return to Eddie’s house, you can already hear the yelling from the outside. Slowly making your way into the house, you can finally understand what the two were arguing about. You. From what you gathered, Eddie was upset with Buck for flirting with you while Buck was countering that obviously Eddie was too chicken to do something about his feelings for you. Avoiding nearly being hit by a vase that comes flying your way, you clear your throat causing the fight to die down and both men to turn to you. “I- uh…” Eddie starts, though you raise your hand to silence him before grabbing the stuff you had left on the couch. “Once you two grow up and handle this like actual adults, then you can call me.” You state before walking out of the house and slamming the door shut behind you, leaving the two men dumbfounded and broken.

Two months. It takes two months of Chris sulking, Bobby scolding them and roughly 5 meetings with Maddie before they can finally face each other again. Yet whenever they stare at your number, they chicken out, too afraid to call you. You had been right, they were acting like two children throwing tantrums, build on the unspoken feelings between them. But now that they were dating steadily and currently curled up together on the couch, they finally decide to call you up. However, much to their distaste, a man answers your phone and for a moment they believe they lost any chance with you, if there even was one to begin with. “Hello? Are you still there?” The man on the phone asks, causing Eddie to nod and reply with a small “yeah”. A hum is heard from the other side of the line before they hear “what do you want from my sister?”. Never in their life did the duo think that hearing such a question would be such a relief. Buck reacts quicker than Eddie and explains the situation, what has happened and why they were calling now. Another hum is audible before some commotion can be heard and then they hear your voice, a sense of happiness washing over them. For whatever reason, you actually agree to meet with them after your work, giving them the address of your workplace.

Your shift ends in 10 minutes when Buck and Eddie walk into the club where you were working, quickly spotting you behind the bar, deciding that your outfit was definitely too short for their liking. Holding on to Eddie’s hand tightly, Buck weasels his way through the crowd and stops right before you at the bar, smiling softly as you smile back. Though he can’t help but look you over once more, the small shirt definitely compliments your chest yet does not leave a lot to the imagination and your shorts are barely allowed to be titled shorts by how short they are. Eddie notices what the younger firefighter is doing and quickly elbows his ribs, earning a grunt and a displeased look from the other before smiling at you. “Three of your favorites, nena.” Eddie yells over the music to you and watches as you get to work, mixing three shot glasses filled with some purpelish looking liquor before sliding them over to him. “What would you like, Evan?” You ask softly before adding “a blowjob?” with a smirk, causing the young male to choke on his own spit, believing he did not hear you correctly. “I am talking about the drink, dumbass.” You explain with a small laugh, preparing one before setting it down before Buck, who still looks like a puppy which just got caught destroying your favorite pair of shoes. “T-Thanks,” he finally mutters out, grabbing the drink and mentally kicking himself for sounding like a schoolgirl that was talking to her first crush. You three fall into an easy conversation, barely paying attention to the time, not noticing that your shift was over until your coworker walks up behind you and tells you to start leaving. You nod and lead the two firefighters to the back room that usually only employees are allowed to enter before grabbing a shirt from your bag and pulling it on before looking at the two men. “Before you ask, yes, it is your shirt, Eds. It is just very comfy.” You state, grabbing the rest of your belongings before smiling at the boys and leading them out of the back door.

A warm ball of cuddles and limbs, that is how you would describe the three of you on Eddie’s bed right now. After you left your workplace, the boys started bombarding you with questions and you answered them all honestly, about how you chose this job in hopes that you would forget the two men that made your days so much brighter, about how you missed Chris and a bunch of other things that they wanted to know. On the way back to Eddie’s place, they stopped at some restaurant that was still open and grabbed the food. Once you were all at his place, you ate and then proceeded to talk about the three of you, about the feelings the duo had for each other and for you and how they wished for you to be a part of the small family they had created. First you jokingly denied them, teasing them that you did not have any feelings for them, but after seeing the hurt flash on their faces, you quickly explained how you returned their feelings and that you missed them a lot within the past two months, even if Carla had kept you up to date with their wellbeing. So now you were all cuddling and just enjoying the presence, because even if tomorrow was not given, if tomorrow everything could fall apart, right now you three were a happy family and you would not change that for anything in this world.

Chris’s reaction the next morning when he walks into the kitchen and sees you sitting on the counter, sipping your coffee while Buck is standing between your legs is priceless. You did not know that the kid could even hit such a high note, but he manages to do so when he screams your name and scrambles over to you, pouting at Buck standing in his way. That was most definitely not what he had in his mind when his dad told him that there was a surprise waiting for him in the kitchen. Though you quickly push Buck to the side, earning a whine from the male about how mean you are, before jumping off the counter and hugging Chris tightly, excited to spend the rest of your mornings with those three.

#eddie diaz x reader #evan buckley x eddie diaz #evan buckley x reader #evan buckley imagine #evan buckley #eddie diaz imagine #911 fanfiction #9 1 1 fanfic #911 fanfic #9 1 1 x reader

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ncssian · 3 years ago

Text

A Favor: Part Twenty-One

Nessian Modern AU

Masterlist

a/n: as someone who is physically incapable of reading fics and other long tumblr posts line by line and word for word, i think it’s so fucking cool that a bunch of you regularly, excitedly read what i post. i would not blame you at all for skim reading. thank you.

***

The majority of Cassian’s life was spent battling with the fact of his own existence. First he was fatherless, then motherless, then homeless. Being taken in by Rhys’s parents, who bought him nice clothes and nicer gifts, was like putting a bandaid over a stab wound. It couldn’t change the questions that made up Cassian at his core: was he equal to everyone else in this world, or had he been born inherently inferior? Did he deserve the same happinesses that his friends so carelessly reaped, or should he step back and know his place?

The older he grew, the more he grappled with those questions—until the night he learned who his father was, and the truth behind his existence. That he was likely a product of rape. Nearly driving himself drunk off a mountainside in Monte Carlo was enough to make him realize with a startling clarity: he couldn’t keep asking himself the same questions for the rest of his life. At some point, he was going to have to buck the fuck up and make his peace with the world, whether he believed he deserved to be in it or not. And though it might have taken him a while to reach that conclusion, Cassian can proudly say he did it. Not long into his post-college years, Cassian finally grew up.

By twenty-seven, he was secure enough in himself and his place in the world to not have to deal with those doubtful voices every waking minute. His life was figured out, and his ego was unshakeable. Until Nesta Archeron entered the story.

Now at twenty-eight, Cassian is again unsecured—this time in a less tragic but more confusing way. Because everything he thinks he knows about himself, about life, she insists on proving wrong.

Including the issue of celebrating his birthday.

“I feel like I should have asked this earlier,” Cassian mutters to Nesta as they stand in the cozy resort lobby, “but why is Az here?”

Nesta looks both humiliated and resigned when she mutters back, “He wouldn’t pay for the resort unless I let him come with us.”

“At that point you should’ve just let me pay, babe.” He watches Azriel’s back as he chats up the lady at the front desk while getting their room keys.

“On your own birthday? It would have ruined the point,” Nesta says.

Cassian doesn’t retort that having his brother present at their couple’s retreat also ruins the point. He’s sure she already knows.

Nesta’s reaction when Cassian told her that he didn’t celebrate his birthday was unforgettable.

“No one in our inner circle really cares about birthdays,” he had shrugged. “Feyre’s birthday is the exception because she’s sort of the outsider, and Rhys will find any excuse to worship at her feet. But the rest of us? I don’t know, it was never a big deal.”

As someone who’s never skipped a birthday once in her life, even when she was isolated and ignoring her family’s phone calls, Nesta took this as a personal offense. “I need to get you out of this cabin,” she stated.

Which brings them here, to Colorado’s finest ski resort situated high in the Rocky Mountains. The lobby is littered with overstuffed armchairs and a crackling fireplace, and huge windows look out over the blinding white mountains.

Az starts heading their way, key cards in hand, when Cassian suddenly turns to Nesta. “We need to find him a woman,” he whispers.

“What?”

“We can’t let him third wheel with us for the whole weekend. We’ll never get time alone.” Cassian is set on this new plan, already scanning the lobby for women around Azriel’s age.

“I agree, but—”

Azriel reaches the two of them, tossing a room card to Nesta. “You can stop talking about me now. I’ll be spending most of my time hitting the slopes.”

Cassian and Nesta mumble a halfhearted, “We weren’t talking about you.”

He narrows his eyes at them. “Uh-huh. Just remember whose credit card this is going on.” Picking up his ski gear and duffel bag, he turns for the elevator.

Nesta frowns up at Cassian once Az is gone, more adorably than she probably intends. “Do you think he’s upset?”

He scoffs. “We should be upset at him.” He doesn’t want to have to worry about his brother while he’s on vacation, and Az definitely wouldn’t want him to worry either, but it isn’t something that can be helped.

Despite his irritation, he might go skiing with Az later this afternoon. Just to keep him company.

***

Nesta will give it to Azriel—he’s a man of fine taste, and also generous with his spending. She originally wanted a normal room for her and Cassian, preferably the cheapest one, but Az went behind her back and upgraded them to a fully decked out penthouse suite.

“This is too much for just a weekend,” she tells him over the phone while Cassian is in the bathroom. “How am I supposed to pay you back for this?”

“Why would you pay me back?” he says dismissively. “I’m rich.”

When Nesta tries arguing with him, he only replies, “I don’t take money from poor people,” and hangs up on her.

Which leaves Nesta to enjoy the four-spray shower and heated bathroom tiles free of charge. By the time she comes out of the shower, Cassian has already left with Azriel to hit some slopes before dinner, though not before leaving her a note promising to teach her how to ski tomorrow.

Nesta doesn’t even get to unwrap her towel from her body before realizing her phone is ringing incessantly, all the way from the other side of the suite. Jogging over to the living area, Nesta answers Emerie’s call. “What’s up?”

“Where are you?” Emerie greets without introduction.

“At the ski lodge?” Nesta answers, confused. “I already told you, for Cassian’s birthday.”

“I know that,” Emerie hisses. “I mean what room are you in? This place is huge.”

“Wait—you’re here?” Nesta looks quickly around herself, as if Emerie will pop up from behind the couch.

“Not just me. So is Gwyn.” Nesta hears rustling on the other side of the line, and then Emerie saying from a distance, “Answer for your crimes, Gwyneth. Say hi.”

A new, clearer voice comes over the phone. “Hiii, Nesta.” Gwyn sounds weak, like she is not having fun at all.

“What the hell do you two think you’re doing?” Nesta demands.

“Well, it’s a long story and I need to see you first. Also, I have to pee. Where is your room?”

Five minutes later, Gwyn and Emerie are sitting obediently before the roaring fireplace in Nesta and Cassian’s suite.

Now fully dressed, Nesta stabs a finger at Emerie. “Explain.”

“I didn’t do anything,” Emerie says indignantly. “Gwyn barged into my place at eight in the morning and dragged me all the way here—”

“It was an emergency!” Gwyn tosses her hands in the air. “It still is an emergency. That’s why we’re here.”

“I’m here because Gwyn is scared of traveling alone,” Emerie interjects. “And driving on highways.”

“Guys!” Nesta snaps.

Gwyn makes a whining sound of defeat and drops her head into her hands. After a long moment, she speaks. “He asked if we could go to dinner together. Like, right to my face. And I panicked and said yes, because I couldn’t think of a reason to say no, but obviously I can’t do that. So this morning I cashed in my sick days and told him I was going on vacation for a whole week.” Gwyn looks up at Nesta with pleading teal eyes. “Please can we stay here the whole week?”

Nesta stares at Gwyn, feeling like her brain was just sucked dry. “First of all, who’s ‘he’?”

“Max!” She stands in her outburst. “The love of my life. The man who works on the fourth floor of the library. Do you pay attention to the groupchat at all?”

Oh yeah, that guy. “You came all the way here,” Nesta drawls out slowly, “so you wouldn’t have to have dinner with your crush?”

“It wasn’t just any dinner.” Gwyn flops back onto the couch. “It was a date. I can’t go on a date with him. First dates lead to second dates, and second dates lead to—sex.” She whispers the last word.

“Really?” Emerie frowns, not missing a beat at the mention of Gwyn’s deepest fear. “What kind of dates have you been having?”

“I haven’t been having any dates,” Gwyn says. “Why, how long do you usually see someone before doing it?”

“First date, at most,” Emerie shrugs.

“No,” Nesta steps in, sending Emerie a bewildered look. “Gwyn, you’ve known this guy for a while now. If he’s half as decent as you think he is, he won’t expect sex by the second date. And even if he does—”

“What does it matter?” Gwyn wails. “It’ll come up eventually. And when it does, he’ll think I’m a freak.”

“He won’t get a chance to think anything before I kill him,” Emerie says, eyes darkening.

Nesta says nothing, knowing this is something she can’t advise Gwyn about. Whether or not Gwyn chooses to share her past and unresolved trauma with another man, and whether or not that man reacts in an unshitty way isn’t something Nesta can determine. So she just states for the record, “You’re not a freak.”

“But it’s what he’ll think.”

“Then you shouldn’t be with him in the first place,” Nesta says firmly. Even though she knows better than anyone that it isn’t always that simple.

Proving her point, Gwyn scoffs and looks away. “You don’t get it.”

“What I really don’t get,” Nesta says, “is why you took your lie so literally. Why did you come all the way out here instead of hiding out at home for the week?”

“Merrill sees and knows everything. I can’t lie to her.” Gwyn cringes. “If I stayed at home, she would sniff me out as soon as she got me on the phone, and then I’d really be screwed.”

Nesta cocks her head at Gwyn, squinting her eyes in something akin to fascination.

“I had the same reaction,” Emerie pipes up. She shakes her head at Gwyn. “I’ve never met a more melodramatic idiot, truly.”

Gwyn curls into herself on the couch, looking ashamed.

Nesta sighs sharply, then whips out a hand. “Give me your wallets. I’ll go downstairs right now and see if I can book a room last minute.”

Emerie sits up at that. “Uh… I’m not sure I can afford a place like this.”

“Neither can I,” Nesta says. “That’s why Azriel paid for all of us.”

Gwyn’s eyes go comically round. “Azriel’s here?”

“Unfortunately.” She snaps her fingers at both girls. “Credit or debit, now.”

“So… I’m assuming we can’t just share this huge suite with you guys, huh?” Gwyn says hesitantly.

There might be actual flames in Nesta’s eyes. This is Cassian’s birthday, goddammit. Cassian, who hasn’t celebrated a birthday since he was eleven. “Please don’t push me.”

Gwyn and Emerie, very reluctantly, hand their cards over to Nesta. Emerie hands over two, just in case.

In the end, Nesta doesn’t use any of their money, but charges the new room to her own account. She’ll work it off by putting extra hours into Night Court, she tells herself.

When she returns to the penthouse suite, she spies tracks outlined in melted snow at the doorway. Shit. She barges inside to find Cassian and Azriel standing in the middle of the living area, with Emerie looking awkward on the couch.

“Uh, we just got back—” Cassian starts.

“I can explain,” Nesta interrupts.

A faucet turns off in the distance, and Gwyn peeks her head out of the bathroom door.

“Oh, shit,” Azriel says in delight. “Freckles is here too?”

Gwyn looks like she’s about to turn right back around to the bathroom. Nesta and Cassian both throw Az a baffled look, but Nesta says, “I can fix this. I’ve already fixed it.” She goes over to Emerie and hands her a key card. “You and Gwyn are going to stay on the first floor, and you won’t bother me or Cassian for the duration of our stay. It’ll be like you’re not even here.” She whips toward Gwyn, who still hovers near the bathroom doorway. “And at the end of this weekend, you’re going back to work like the adult you are and taking care of your shit.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Gwyn says quietly, lowering her head.

Cassian comes over to Nesta, whispering, “So, you didn’t invite them to keep Az company or anything, right?”

“I can hear you,” Azriel says.

“Of course not,” Nesta whispers back. “That’s a terrible idea.”

“Really? Because I thought it was kind of convenient—”

“I can still hear you,” Az repeats.

“So can I,” Emerie nods.

“Shut up,” Nesta hisses at the both of them. Grabbing Cassian’s still-gloved hand, she drags him upstairs and away to their bedroom. When the door shuts behind them, she turns to him and blurts, “I’m so sorry.”

Cassian only laughs, taking his ski jacket off and brushing away the wet snow from the back. “I’m not.” He tosses his jacket and gloves over a chair and approaches Nesta, tugging her closer by her oversized turtleneck. “And what did I tell you about wasting your apologies?”

Nesta doesn’t care. “I ruined your birthday.”

“My birthday’s not until tomorrow,” he says with a straight face. “But honestly, I like this a lot more than just you, me, and Az. At least he can’t third wheel anymore, right?”

She shakes her head insistently, frustration boiling in her blood. “Everything’s going wrong.”

“But you solved our problems.” He finds Nesta’s clenched fists and unfurls them with gentle hands. “You got the girls their own room, and now Az can be distracted with those two. We can still be alone. We win.”

Nesta purses her lips, unconvinced, when Cassian adds, “But seriously, though—what the fuck are they doing here?”

She exhales deeply, letting her head drop forward onto Cassian’s chest. “I don’t know,” she mutters. “Gwyn panicked about some personal stuff and thought it was a good idea to come to me. I don’t want to make her leave, though.” Gwyn is being stupid right now, without a doubt, but Nesta won’t abandon her. Neither will Emerie.

God, having friends sucks.

Cassian threads a hand through her loose hair and hums. “Gwyn was smart for coming to you.”

***

Dinner is held outside in the snow and cold, but everyone bundles up and sits down at a table that surrounds one of the multiple fire pits in the courtyard. Cassian convinced Nesta to let Gwyn and Emerie hang out with them for the weekend, because what else are those poor girls supposed to do, and now the women babble over each other as they decide what to drink.

Cassian sits back and takes it in, the sight feeling heartwarmingly familiar and strangely brand new at the same time. Nesta ends up being the one to order everybody’s drinks, and once the waiter scampers back inside, Gwyn releases a terse breath. “Sometimes I still get scared of that tone.”

“I’m always scared of it,” Az mutters, eyeing Nesta from the corner of his eye.

“What tone?” Cassian laughs. He knows Nesta is still a little wound up from her plans going off the rails, but she hasn’t done anything scary.

“I’m used to it,” Emerie says through a mouthful of fries, “but I think that waiter almost cried.”

“That’s how I sound all the time.” Nesta shrugs, sitting back.

“What tone?” Cassian repeats.

Nesta clicks her tongue impatiently. “You know how I talk. I’m straightforward.”

“And harsh,” Azriel adds. “Even aggressive.”

“Watch it.” Gwyn turns stern eyes onto him over the fire pit.

“I have no idea what you all are talking about,” Cassian says. He turns to Nesta. “You sound perfectly normal to me.”

She narrows her perfect brows at him, and Emerie laughs, “I don’t know if that’s romantic or ignorant.”

But now that they’re discussing it, Cassian does distinctly remember Nesta having a sharp edge to her words while they were getting to know each other. Did it disappear over time, or has he really stopped noticing it?

He doesn’t get to think about it before their drinks arrive, followed soon by a dinner of fancy sandwiches.

Cassian cuts his beef sandwich in half and gives the other half to Nesta, and she does the same with her turkey sandwich. They eat and drink around the crackling fire, laughing and talking about tomorrow’s plans (“It’s not your birthday, Azriel,” Nesta says. “Stop asking about gifts.”). Cassian and Emerie talk idly about video games over wine, and even though it isn’t really his thing, he can see her excitement over it and gladly indulges it.

Once everyone is finished eating and is slightly drunk, Gwyn pulls a small sleeve of crackers out of her puffy jacket, followed by a fun-sized Hershey’s bar and a handful of mini marshmallows.

“What are you doing?” Nesta says.

“Making dessert.” Gwyn builds a mini s’more and places it carefully on her fork so she can toast it over the fire pit. When it’s done, she leans forward even more to try to put it on Nesta’s plate. “For you. Thank you for letting me and Emerie stay.”

Nesta jumps, catching the s’more with her plate and batting Gwyn away from the fire pit at the same time. “You’ll set your hair on fire,” she hisses.

Gwyn’s hair remains safe, but now Cassian catches his brother watching Gwyn amusedly from the corner of his eye. “Can I have one?” Az says.

“I’m all out.” Gwyn says while building another s’more, refusing to meet his eyes.

Cassian and Nesta share a look, a hundred words thrown back and forth between them in that glance. She scoots her chair closer to him to slip her cold hands into his warm ones, but while the conversation carries on around the table, she leans in and whispers, “I’m not a busybody but…”

“I am,” he whispers back. “Az is being weird, weirder than usual.”

Nesta nods. “I’ve never seen him so—outgoing.”

Neither has Cassian, but before he can mention anything else, he looks up to find that Gwyn and Azriel’s seats at the table are empty. “How much did those two drink?” he breathes.

Nesta follows his gaze, seeing what he’s seeing: Azriel and Gwyn wandering clumsily around the snowy courtyard. Or rather, Az is trying to chase Gwyn down for a s’more, while she clutches her mini marshmallows to her chest and vehemently yells, “They’re mine!”

Meanwhile, Emerie is half asleep at the table.

Cassian watches as Gwyn nears the towering fir tree at the center of the courtyard and slips. Az shoots out a hand to catch her, but not before her ass hits the stone, hard. He pulls her back up, no longer fooling around, and Gwyn rubs her butt in pain.

Cassian suddenly feels Nesta squeezing the life out of his hands, and he looks over to find fury written across her face. For a heartbeat, he feels worried for Az.

“Go deal with him,” Nesta says lowly. “Before I do.”

Not needing any more words to understand, he stands out of his seat and heads out into the courtyard. He doesn’t know why Nesta thinks Gwyn needs protecting, but it makes him feel protective himself. Approaching the duo, he sees that Azriel finally acquired the leftover s’more ingredients from Gwyn.

“There’s only like half a cracker left,” Az mutters to himself, shaking the baggie.

“Is he bothering you?” Cassian asks Gwyn, who still looks grumpy over losing their skirmish.

Whipping her head to Cassian like he’s her savior, Gwyn nods furiously. “Please make him stop.”

Cassian turns to Azriel with rage in his eyes, a clear What the fuck do you think you’re doing?

But Az shakes his head in denial. “It’s not like that. Look, she’s smirking at me!” He points over Cassian’s shoulder.

When Cassian looks, Gwyn is already walking back to the fire pit, holding her bruised ass.

Az starts, “What a fake little—”

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Cassian interrupts. “Yesterday you’re crying over Elain and today you’re flirting with Nesta’s friend?”

Azriel goes serious, his face turning colder than the night air. “How do you know about Elain?” he says gruffly.

“Everyone knows, Azriel.” Cassian stares down his brother, wondering if he’ll finally get him to get his head screwed on straight after these past weeks of secretive bullshit.

Azriel sets his jaw, but a muscle there ticks.

“Will you finally at least tell me what’s going on in your head?” Cassian pleads. “Because I can’t keep guessing.”

Azriel glances toward the dinner table, as if checking to see that no one is paying attention to them. Looking back, he inhales a breath. “You want to know why I left Velaris?”

Like Nesta, Azriel is not one to quickly make himself vulnerable. So there’s no blatant emotion in his voice when he says, “I started seeing her at the end of summer, not long after she broke up with her ex. And it was so…nice after every other relationship I’ve been in has gone wrong. We kept it quiet, and because of that, it was peaceful.” Azriel’s eyes meet Cassian’s twin ones, and he smirks without humor. “But you already know what that’s like, don’t you?”

He does. Cassian crosses his arms, waiting for Az to continue.

“Anyway, we had a good run. For a long time, it was mostly just sex, but I liked her. I liked her a lot.” Az kicks at the snow-dusted cobblestones. “Then Christmas came around, and Rhys found out.” His face darkens as he remembers, and Cassian stiffens, knowing what’s next isn’t good. Sometimes Rhys forgets the boundary between boss and brother.

“He didn’t say anything about it to Elain, of course,” Azriel says. “But he dragged my ass aside and gave me this huge lecture about us using each other as rebounds. Said ‘Feyre’s sister’ deserves better or some shit. I told him there was more to it than that, but he wouldn’t listen. Instead he brought Vanserra & Co. into it, like his business matters had anything to do with me and Elain.” Azriel’s eyes crinkle at the corners in a puzzled way. “So I got to thinking, ‘why would he bring the Vanserras up?’ He made it seem like such a big deal.” The toe of his boot digs a hole into the ground.

Sympathy churns alongside anger in Cassian’s chest for Azriel’s situation, anger at Rhysand for crossing that line between brothers. He’s only momentarily grateful that Rhys never tried doing something similar to him and Nesta.

“I thought she was over that other guy, Lucien,” Az continues. “But maybe she’s not, if Rhys is so concerned about what Lucien’s stepfather thinks. Anyway, that’s why I ran. Because I knew she liked me, but I also knew she didn’t love me. I didn’t want us to cause all that trouble with Rhys just to end up backed into a corner one day, having nowhere else to go because she loves someone else and I’m just a rebound. It would be awkward for everyone involved.” He scratches the back of his neck. “It’s mostly my fault, for always chasing after women I can’t have.” He finally looks up at Cassian. “When you talk to Elain, does it sound like she hates me?” The question is quiet, straightforward.

“No,” Cassian answers, voice rough. Even if Azriel wants to hide his feelings, Cassian won’t. “She doesn’t seem like she hates you. I don’t even think she’s mad at you.” Concerned, anxious, upset—that’s Elain as far as he knows.

“She should hate me,” Azriel says. “She should get pissed, burn my old clothes, and swear to never talk to me again. That’s the only way she can move on.” Maybe even move back to Lucien, is what goes unsaid.

Cassian isn’t so sure about that. Even as he feels for Az, he thinks both of his brothers should get slapped upside the head for how they’ve been acting lately. He won’t be the one to do it, but he might get Nesta to relay a message to Elain. It’ll be the same thing. “I’m sorry,” he tells Az instead. “I know I’ve been hard on you lately. When we get home, I’ll start doing better.” He claps Az on the shoulder and squeezes.

Azriel surprises him by scoffing, looking away in disbelief. “Wow, being compassionate is really a full time job for you, huh?” He claps Cassian’s shoulder back, pulling him into a sudden hug. “You’ve already done more than enough,” he says into Cassian’s ear. “Go to your girlfriend and take a rest.”

Taken aback, Cassian nods and pulls away. He’s about to turn around and leave when Az says, “By the way, I wasn’t flirting with Gwyn.”

Cassian raises a brow. “You were definitely doing something.”

Az rolls his eyes. “I’m not giving her anything she can’t handle. But in case you haven’t noticed, I have no interest in other women right now.” He makes a face. “Especially not her.”

Cassian chuckles. “I believe you. It’s Nesta you need to worry about.”

“Whatever. I’m not scared of her.”

That makes Cassian laugh even harder, but he turns around, ready to go back to said girlfriend. As he nears the fire pit, though, he finds that Gwyn is already there and cuddled up to Nesta. On Nesta’s other side, Emerie now sits in Cassian’s chair, asleep on her friend’s shoulder. He stops in his tracks.

Cassian wasn’t lying when he told Nesta that he was happy about their changed vacation plans—he believes the more the merrier, and he loves these people. Yet he can’t help but wish the two of them could be alone for just one day. Only one.

God, sometimes having friends sucks.

***

a/n: this is a two parter so next chapter we’ll finally be getting more nessian alone time

tagging: @hellasblessed @sjm-things @thewayshedreamed @drielecarla @valkyriewarriors @superspiritfestival @aliveahaahahafuck @cupcakey00 @sayosdreams @rainbowcheetah512 @claralady @thebluemartini @nessiantho @missing-merlin @duskandstarlight @lucy617 @sleeping-and-books @everything-that-i-love @cassianscool @swankii-art-teacher @wannawriteyouabook @awesomelena555 @julemmaes @wickedqueenoffantasy @poisonous-bloom @observationanxioustheorist @gisellefigue08 @courtofjurdan @theoverlyenthusiasticwriter @wolfiixxx @cass-nes @seashade @royaltykxx @illyrianundercover @queenestarcheron @monstrousloves-explodinggalaxies @humanexile @that-golden-lyre @agentsofsheilds @mercy-is-alive @cassiansbigwingspan @laylaameer01 @verypaleninja @maastrash @bow-dawn @perseusannabeth @dead-on-the-inside666 @jlinez @hungryreadingaddict @anidealiveson @planet-faerie @shallowhighwaters @ghostlyrose2 @chosenfamily-valkyriequeens @rarephloxes @readiajin @nessiantrashh @live-the-fangirl-life @ifinallygavein @xoblivisci @sjmships @jungtaekwoonie-is-life @lysandra-tiara @lanyjoy-13 @frosted-crackers @post-it-notes33 @loosingdreams @fromthelibraryofemilyj @18moneytoad @dontgetsalmonella @champanheandluxxury @togreblog @arinbelle @ladygabrielli1997 @meridainthedisneyland

#ncssianwrites #a favor #nesta archeron #nessian #cassian #nessian fanfic #nessian au

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robininthelabyrinth · 3 years ago

Text

Spilled Pearls

- Chapter 29 - ao3 -

“In the future, you should send your children to the Cloud Recesses for me to teach,” Lan Qiren said. He was sitting with Wen Ruohan on one of the rooftop gardens in the Nightless City, watching the moon and stars from a pavilion placed there for that purpose; their bodies were pressed close together, and it felt as if they were far away from all the things that were familiar. “You and Lao Nie both, and naturally I’ll come visit with you often as well, bringing my nephew. Between the three of us, we might even be able to teach them how to be proper human beings.”

Wen Ruohan laughed in his ear and pressed his lips to his cheek – he had taken to kissing him at random, spontaneous, as if still overwhelmed by the fact that he now had the right to do it.

“I will,” he promised. “I agree, I think they’ll turn out better that way…you would really have me educate your precious little A-Huan?”

“If I’m willing to entrust myself with you, why not him? Anyway, I can teach him music, and with the aid of the other teachers in my sect the sword in the Lan sect style, but you can teach him much more than that. You know how to look at the world and see it for what it is, and then bend it to your will, make it sing to your tune. He’ll be sect leader in the future; he needs to learn that, and you can teach it to him.”

“I can, and I will,” Wen Ruohan said, then thought for a moment and asked, “What does Lao Nie bring to the table?”

“Flexibility, mostly.”

Wen Ruohan barked out a laugh. “He certainly has that.”

He didn’t even sound bitter about it any more.

Lan Qiren smiled.

“In the meantime, I will handle the rest of it,” Wen Ruohan added, and Lan Qiren looked at him in silent question. “Come now, Qiren. Did you really think that I would allow you to remain caged in the Cloud Recesses your whole life?”

Lan Qiren paused. That was the sorest part of his heart, his most painful misery, but he didn’t think Wen Ruohan would bring it up casually. If anything, he was a bit more afraid of what Wen Ruohan might get into his head to do about it – there was very little Wen Ruohan wouldn’t dare.

“Da-ge –” he started warily.

“No, no,” Wen Ruohan said, lightly scolding. “Little Lan, be serious! I already rejected the opportunity to cage you here at the Nightless City, playing only for me, despite how much I longed to do so. I refused to do it – me, refusing myself – because I knew it would only make you sad. Do you really think I would allow other people a privilege that I have denied myself?”

Lan Qiren did not laugh, but he dearly wanted to. It might be the first time he’d ever wanted to laugh about his situation – not even Cangse Sanren had managed that. “Has anyone told you that you are extremely self-absorbed?” he asked instead. “Arrogance is forbidden. Do not be haughty and complacent.”

Wen Ruohan smirked back at him. “All true, little Lan, but don’t forget your favorite: Do not tell lies.”

Self-absorbed, narcissistic and arrogant, Lan Qiren concluded, and there was no helping it. It was clearly a terminal case.

He used his sleeve to hide his laughter.

“What are you planning, exactly?” he asked once he had recovered. “If you harm my sect, whether directly or indirectly by denying them my services, I would be even more upset than if you tried to lock me away in here.”

Wen Ruohan waved a hand dismissively. “Do you think me so incapable? I have already begun making arrangements. Discussion conferences may only be once or twice a year, being as they are tremendously irritating to arrange, but there’s no reason that we of the Great Sects should not recognize our greater duty towards the smaller sects, and not to mention our obligations to protect the mortal world –”

“You know that it exists, then?”

Wen Ruohan ignored him. “The resources of cultivation clans are limited, and the world large. There are many places which would benefit from aid that do not see any simply because they are far away or tucked in inconvenient places, and no sect lives nearby – naturally, it is our duty to fight evil no matter where it is encountered. Lao Nie has already agreed that it is critical that the sect leaders demonstrate our sincerity by fulfilling this duty in person, leading by example.”

Lan Qiren’s heart had already felt as if it were overflowing with warmth, and it felt even more so now, almost squeezed to pain by how much joy was there. More than he had known he could contain.

Bad luck in brothers, he thought to himself - but oh, he had such good luck in friends!

“I see,” he said, thankful that his usual neutral tone concealed how happy he felt. “And naturally, where you and Lao Nie go, Sect Leader Jin cannot be far behind in his eagerness not to lose out, and where three of the five Great Sects lead, naturally the rest cannot be far behind. So I, too, will be obligated to...what? Go out on night-hunts in inconvenient places?”

“The world is too large, and the number of cultivators too few – and at any rate, there’s no point in setting up a full night-hunt which draws in every person from a thousand li for a few paltry fierce corpses or a ghost or two. I propose, instead, that we would send cultivators out alone, in pairs or in small groups, to wander for a few months through the remote places in the world and clean them up. Then, at the next discussion conference, the Great Sects could jointly agree that whoever was most enterprising would receive a reward, and naturally, stories of various exploits could be exchanged – ”

“Ah. Another reason for young men and women to gather and boast of improbable exploits.”

“Think of it as giving them more opportunities to win glory,” Wen Ruohan said. “And stop talking down about ‘young men’; you are a young man. Naturally you are also qualified to go out to do such things. Required, even: if our Great Sects do not set a proper example, who will?”

“Mm. A proper example. Even if I coincidentally happen to spend more time playing music than hunting demons?”

Wen Ruohan’s eyes were bright. “Even so. And naturally, you could always bring along someone more powerful to do the demon-hunting for you…”

“How convenient.”

Wen Ruohan smirked. “Do you doubt that I will be able to make it happen, little Lan?”

“No,” Lan Qiren said, then added, honestly: “I think you could take over the world if you wished.”

“Naturally! But it would be quite irritating, I think, if I had to also ensure that both you and Lao Nie did not disapprove of my methods…” He paused, lips twitching. “By coincidence, while we’re discussing convenience, I was thinking that it would be dangerous to send all those wild and reckless young men out there without proper support. Surely it would be only reasonable to set up a few convenient places here and there, not so far away, to provide them with supplies and a place to rest and recover –”

Convenient places that would fly the Wen sect’s flag and spread its influence, Lan Qiren presumed. Lanling Jin would be furious – using wealth to buy influence was their favorite technique, and they resented other people copying it – and would immediately insist on establishing their own set of “supply stations”, and then the rest of them would have to catch up and make their own. Yet another expense, and the Great Sects would need to do more than most; it would probably wreck havoc with the Lan sect’s annual budget.

On the other hand, well the remote parts of the world really did need the help. One of the Lan sect’s newly recruited guest disciples had been talking about a place not far from his hometown that specialized in making coffin goods; it was, according to him, the most inauspicious place that could possibly be imagined…

Not a place anyone might want to go, unless they truly were intent on traveling.

Lan Qiren smiled once again. He thought he might never stop smiling.

“Indeed,” he said, trying to sound dry and rational. “Very coincidental. No one will doubt that this is nothing but a scheme to expand your reach and power, rather than any personal motive.”

Wen Ruohan did not answer, but instead, matching a smile of his own to Lan Qiren’s, pressed his lips against Lan Qiren’s once more.

After a little while of silence, Lan Qiren cleared his throat and asked, “Do you intend to tell people?”

He was not referring to Wen Ruohan’s plans for the future.

Wen Ruohan understood.

“In time,” he said. “As much as I would love to shout that you are mine and I am yours from the rooftops and perhaps have bulletins be posted to every town -”

Lan Qiren grimaced. It would be one thing if he thought Wen Ruohan was exaggerating for romantic effect, but unfortunately it would be just like him to engage in that level of over-the-top grandstanding.

“– but your position is not yet certain, and my reputation is too questionable. People would make assumptions and spread malicious gossip, and I – I would not harm you to please myself.”

“Sweet-talker.”

“It’s not sweet-talking when it’s true,” Wen Ruohan protested, although he was chuckling. “When you are more renowned as a teacher than a sect leader, when little A-Huan is old enough to have passed the worst stretches of childhood – then we will announce it, and let the rest of the world choke on it if they like. You, me, Lao Nie…hmm. Jin Guangshan will probably think we’re concealing a conspiracy and ask to join in.”

Lan Qiren gagged. “I refuse,” he said. “I don’t care if I’m not physically involved, neither you nor Lao Nie are allowed to even think about it. That man has visited so many prostitutes that one might be forgiven for thinking he believes that the road to immortality is paved with venereal disease.”

“…thank you, that was an image I did not require.” A pause. “Jiang Fengmian –”

“Remember when he punched me in the face in a fight over a girl I didn’t even want?”

“It wasn’t a serious suggestion.” Wen Ruohan chuckled once more and pressed another kiss to his cheek. “Some years ago now, I swore to your Cangse Sanren that I would do right by you. I ought to invite her here and show her that I’ve made good on it.”

“You haven’t made good on it.”

“I haven’t?”

“No. Such a promise is fulfilled through the keeping – if you want to do right by me, there is no one singular moment that would qualify, but rather a continuing obligation.” Lan Qiren smiled up at him. “I’m sorry, da-ge. You’ll have to continue to do right by me for the rest of our lives.”

“I will,” Wen Ruohan said, and smiled back. “It would be my pleasure.”

-END-

#mdzs #lan qiren #wen ruohan #my fic #my fics #spilled pearls

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trashyslashers · 2 years ago

Note

Can I please ask for a slasher match up? 😇

I'm a female, using she/her pronouns and am interested in both, women and men.

I've got really pale skin (which I love), white blonde shoulder-length hair with the tips dyed dark purple on one side and dark green on the other, a few ear piercings, I'm somewhat curvy (which I'm not insecure about), around 5'5 high and I'm always wearing only black clothing with a gothic/punk/metal/alternative style.

My own love language is words of affirmation and acts of service and from others it's physical touch and quality time.

Meeting new people, being in crowded places and in the center of attention make me really anxious and uncomfortable. Although it's easier if I can rely and concentrate on someone really close to me.

I hate the summer, but love autumn and it's weather, aesthetic and flavours! My ideal day would entirely spend with a loved one ; cozy up inside, watch a movie, cook something together, maybe even bake, take a walk on a typical autumn day, cuddling a lot, listening to music and of course, laughing and enoying the time with them. Otherwise, I would love to do typical autumn activities with them!

I have deep emotions, but they tend to overwhelm me and I struggle with communicating and procressing them alone, which leads me to relying on others (annoying them with it) but also understanding others and the world around me on a deeper level. I believe that's also why I'm so accepting, supporting and open-minded.

I love to help others, I tend to always put their well-being before my own and try anything possible to make it easier for them and take some weight off their shoulders, to lighten up someone's mind and make their worries less overwhelming. To put it simply, I hate to see others suffering and will do anything to help them.

I'm the happiest when the people I love are happy, when someone truly listens to me, my thoughts and feelings.

I'm a very loving, warm and passionate person. I care about the people who're close to me and I will go to great length to help them. Furthermore, I'm ultimately loyal and would never betray or let people I love down!

I hate when people believe they can define or generalize what's normal or beautiful, boring or annoying, typical or effective. All these are personal views and usually I find beauty where others don't, enjoy unusualness and uniqueness and despise mainstream and stereotypical things. Being like everyone else or fitting into some kind of box annoys me so much!

The nightsky inspires and fascinates me, just as much as rain calms me down and fills me with serenity, passion and happiness. Though, my biggest passion is and always be music and I could never live a single day without it, it's like the air to breathe. I especially love (symphonic-,heavy-) metal!

I'm extremely shy, insecure and self-doubting, always believe that I'm annoying those around me. That's why I tend to distance myself and don't speak/act at all, in fear of embrassing myself even more. It helps if there's someone who helps, grounds and understands me in these times! With the right person, I can actually be quite sarcastic. Additionally, I'm terrible clumsy, always bumping against something, falling down or dropping something.

I firmly believe in the power of honesty and wish to be respected and accepted as much as I do show others.

My senses are pretty strong and my surroundings, especially combinated with my social anxiety, sometimes lead me to anxiety and panic attacks, which I obliviously hate and am ashamed of. I struggle to get out of them on my own, but to someone really close to me it's actually not so hard.

I really love watching movies and TV shows. To be honest, I prefer living in fictional worlds and daydreams over the real world. I'm especially enthusiastic about horror and fantasy. About fandoms I love, I could ramble on and on about forever. I'm literally incapable of stopping to talk and ramble, if someone wouldn't stop me, I would probably never shut up (at least as long as I'm really familiar with them, otherwise I'm pretty silent and reserved)

I'm living vegan and I'm really passionate about it! I wish to never ever harm an animal and to treat them with all the love my heart is capable of! If I could, I would help and adopt every single animal and care for them lovingly.

I'm quite clingy and like to be surrounded by everything that's even remotely that of someone who's close to me. If I could, I would spend every minute with them and feel as (physicially and emotionally) close to them as possible.

Here are some random things I love : animals (especially cats!), being physically close to people I love, the smell of a freshly baked cake, pale skin, moving in-tune with someone, people talking with passion and love, inside jokes, fuggy hillsides and landscapes, flowers growing in the cracks of pavements, long hugs, music loud enough to silence everything else, oddities, the purring of cats, thunderstorms, sharing earphones, movie nights, stepping into shallow puddles, open windows at night, freckles, perfectly worn-in combat boots, typical autumn and winter days, looking at the stars, seeing someone else's smile and joy, wavy hair, leather jackets, to feel truly calm and discovering similarities

I'm longing for someone to fall in love with me, accepting and supporting me just as I'm. I'm not easy to get along with and I'm used to feel like a outcast and weirdo, I believe that putting up with me is quite a burden, which I also don't wish to put upon someone. I don't need a lot of people around me, just one fully by my side is more than enough!

Thank you so much! 😊

Anon, I think you'd go well with...

Jason Voorhees!

Your ability to see beauty where others don't, coupled with your empathetic nature and tendency to put others before yourself is what drew Jason to you. The way you so actively seek to make sure those around you and those you care about do not suffer or feel alone is something Jason truly admires as he never thought he'd see such a thing from someone, given how such a person was absent in his life, apart from his mother.

Feeling as if one is an outcast is not something foreign to Jason. He knows - more than most - what it feels like to be fully rejected from society and other people as a whole. Regardless of the reason, it's not a pleasant feeling, and it's one that he can empathize with. In a way, he feels even more comfortable around you once learning that you, to a degree, know how it feels as well.

Words of affirmation are something he experienced very little of in his life time - and once again, what he did receive were only from his mother. The way you so readily tell him how much you care about, cherish, and value him and do so with what he can tell is genuine feeling behind your words stirs something in him he's never felt before.

And he's more than happy to indulge you in what makes you feel loved; he's very tall and very broad which makes it incredibly easy for him to hug, hold and cuddle you. When not out patrolling the campgrounds as he often does, nearly every moment is spent by your side.

Speaking of the campgrounds, it seems you enjoy many nature based things, or at least some. The campgrounds, as well as the cabin, are secluded and isolated, and so apart from the occasional gaggle of daredevils, trespassers, and nosey teenagers, it's just the two of you and the local wildlife. There are very rarely any interruptions in the serenity of the area apart from occasions during the summertime, and Jason wishes for you to be able to find peace in that. The view of thunderstorms over the lake is an incredible sight! Just please, don't get too close to the water.

You're vegan? No problem - although Jason no longer eats, there's plenty of space for at least a garden. Though you'll most likely need and want more than what you can grow there, he'll do what he can do keep you happy. Animals are something the two of you share a mutual respect and care for.

If you need someone to ground you in times of anxiety, Jason is your rock. Although to absolutely everyone else it's the opposite, Jason is able to be a source of comfort for you. He's surprisingly gentle when he wants to be, and he's quick to learn what helps you and what doesn't during your panic attacks, and is very attentive and patient when it comes to you. There's no need to feel pressured to speak when you're with him, but he loves it when you do, especially when you're rambling about what you're passionate about. It could never annoy him, even if he has no clue what you're talking about, and it warms his necrotic heart that you're sharing your passions with him.

Your sarcasm that comes about with your growing comfort is something he finds cute, and Jason definitely frets over you on your more clumsy days. He takes care to make sure your shared cabin (or your personal one, if you so prefer) is safe and that you won't get seriously injured on any sort of misplaced sharp object, or broken floorboard.

He appreciates the loyalty you display, and it's not because he has some sort of mistrust in you - rather, because it's unfortunately a very deep rooted insecurity in him that one day you'll wake up and you, too, will see him as everyone else saw him when he was alive, and how everyone sees him now. The regular reassurance you give him helps quell this on some of his bad days, and while it doesn't do so entirely, he puts his trust in your words.

Honestly, what more can I say? Jason would adore you. You and everything about you would make him feel safe and loved, and he'd strive to make sure you felt the same, with him.

#request #match ups #slasher matchup #slasher matchups #slasher x reader #slashers x reader #jason voorhees x reader

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