#and 2 weeks ago it worked just fine
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My train got bumped a second time, but we're finally rolling. I have no idea if that's a correct idiom or whatever but I'm too tired to care
#there's this family. this guy and his two very young children. they were at the platform the first time and now theyre right in front if me#the youngest is like 3. theyve been waiting for more than 4 hours. now that doesn't sound too awful. but its 22:30 rn#like how did not a single thing go right today. theres something broken at several important sections#how the fuck could this happen. we haven't even had any super extreme weathers recently. at least not worse than like 2 weeks ago#and 2 weeks ago it worked just fine#like man. somethings up#everything cant just break at the same time. if that can happen something is wrong#like one thing breaks severly? sucks but oh well its fine. two things? unlucky. everything? what the fuck#ive been praising how well the trains have been running the past few years. and now this happens#its been really reliable until now. only a few lates and cancels every now and then#like a few years ago it would come up on tge news twice a year that the weather conditions were to hot/cold/chaotic to run tge trains#but that has not been an issue lately#and tgen everything just breaks on seemingly the same day#again; public transport is great but when it fails it sure as hell fails badly
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also picking raspberries turned out to be.. really fucking hard
#it's so physically demanding broo ToT#idk i feel like im just weak af because some people there seem to do it so easily and i can barely#do half a day#and they want me to do a full day tomorrow bro#like#I'm so tired after half a day..#i genuinely feel like i might just collapse or something#i do want that bit of money tho but it's sooo exhausting#i went there for half a day today and it killed me bro i was just lying in bed#and i didn't want to fall asleep cause it was like noon already but#i didn't even have the energy to look at a phone lmao#well it's gonna be over this week probably cause#the raspberries are going to stop growing in a few days apparently they're saying in 2 days#we're going to be done#I'd love to make more money but I don't think i can fucking do ittt#its so physically demanding whyyyyy#and why are there grandmas working with me in that field and they seem just fine BROOOO TOT#but yeah now that im thinking about it this also might be part of my problems cause#im soo much.ore irritable rn just cause im literally exhausted all the time ughhh#i came back home 3 days ago and i haven't even had the time to sit down at a desk and draw something#not even mentioning energy aughhh
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Person A: Do you want a beer? I’m paying.
Person B, going through the restaurant’s menu: No. Ugh, where’s the good stuff?
Person A, half jokingly: I thought you were an alcoholic.
Person B: Exactly. I’d need at least, like, four beers — without food — to get slightly buzzed, and my stomach can’t fit over 2 beers in it. I’m small. I’ll have a rum, neat.
#source: me#incorrect quotes#incorrect quotes ideas#incorrect quotes prompts#tw: drug mention#tw: drugs#i used to be so small when all i did was heroin and ketamine. since i started drinking (i only started drinking every night because the-#-opiate withdrawal was so fucking bad alcohol was the only thing that kept my legs from kicking all night long and my skin from feeling-#-like it was on cold wet fire somehow)#anyway. when all i did was opiates ™ i was like 45 kg and i’m 165 aka 5’5 like i looked like a sickly model#now it’s only been a month drinking and not doing morphine or some shit and i already gained 12 kg it’s insane i’m like almost 60 kg now#i’m queueing this for a month from now so hopefully it’ll have been 2 months when this gets posted#and like i say i’m an alcoholic cause i don’t think it’s normal to drink like 5 nights a week but i’m not chemically dependent on it like i-#-was with opiates like i’m sober half the time. ive never done surgery while drunk for instance. there was this one time i had just had 4-#-shots in the bathroom in secret cause i was having a panic attack and didn’t know what else to do but anyway.#and they asked me if i wanted to close up on a tubal ligation and i passed on the opportunity even though i was Fine bc idk i just didn’t-#-feel good ab it. which is more than i can say for my professor tbh#like some other medical intern said ‘wow it must be so hard having to be On Call 24/7. like i bet u can’t even drink’#and he said ‘oh come on surgeons have lives too. in fact i drank more than a few beers just a few hours ago lol’ and proceeded to cut-#-someone open#anyway. yeah. i don’t get drunk at work yk#felt like i had to make that clear
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ohhhhh my godddddd
#teeth.txt#i'm a temp worker right now which is fine but management has been SO UNCLEAR about how long theyre actually gonna keep me on#when i was hired officially as a temp (changed from a student) i was told directly that i was authorized to work for a full year#(aka until july 2025)#so i was like cool sounds good!#but then earlier this month i asked for a slight schedule change (to work MORE mind you)#and got an email back saying 'ok your schedule is approved through oct 31st aka when your contract ends!'#and i was like. haha. what do you mean by that.#and was told to talk to my supervisor about continuing to work past that date#which i did and she was like 'oh yeah i want your help' so i was like cool. sorted.#and that was... two weeks ago?#but i literally just got another email on that original thread from my supervisor#being like 'hey [director] did you decide to approve baz to keep working?'#DONT CC ME ON THIS!!!!!!!!!!#most stressful email to receive at 8:30 in the morning#i thought we were all squared away!!!!!!!!!!! i thought it was fine!!!!!!!!!#i just wish there was more transparency. like am i out of a job in 2 weeks or not.#this is also not the first time something like this has happened el oh el#helpppppp i'm gonna die
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now that my PI is like hey you should actually be sitting in the lab to write instead of doing it at home im shooting one million lasers at his head in my mind. fuck off
#exploding and killing even. WHO GIVE A WHOLE FUCKING SHIT MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!#ESPECIALLY since our AC is fucked up rn and my office is the only fucking one thats still hot#hes like oh you can work in [other girls] office shes out this week!!! like omg thank youuuuu thats a perfect setup for me 🥰🙏🏻#working in someone elses office doing work i can do exclusively at home because you think i should be in here even when you and nobody else#is. or you are but its not like we’re even seeing each other. awesome!!! 😁😁😁😁😁❣️#i dont know why hes doing this now. he literally hasnt given a shit before like he said verbatim when i joined the lab a YEAR AGO that he#doesnt need us to be in here all the time if we dont have anything in-person that we have to do. as long as we’re getting our work done.#AND I AM BITCH. SO WHY. THE FUCK. ARE YOU THROWING A LITTLE PISSY FIT ABOUT IT NOW. KILL YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#okay whatever. i really like him and hes a lot better than some other PIs that have their students coming like 8-5 even if they have nothing#to do. like literally to the point where theyre playing cards and watching movies and shit. so it could be worse#but i dont know why he is MAKING it worse. when we literally had a perfectly fine lab dynamic going on. WHATS YOUR DEAL!!!!!#ugh whatever. its probably just bc its summer and hes like why the hell am i in the lab if nobody else is!!!!!#well man sorry to say it but you have kids. so im sure if you need work done you have to come here. but i dont have shit so i CAN work from#home with no problem. okay whatever rant done im not even that upset im just annoyed as fuck and idgaf if he said we should be here usually#9-4 my ass is leaving at 2:30 today to grocery shop and go the fuck home so i can actually get work done KILLS PEOPLE
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#head instructor to the TAs in the lab section i TA for: how r u guys feeling abt the workload?#me who hasnt graded anything since week 1 and spent an hr that morning filling out a patient safety plan: 🙃#listen. we r experiencing symptoms that make us shitty at our job. which is not helpful for a positive outlook#i was also experiencing horrible cramps at the time bc i lost my ibuprofen and 2 days ago i stopped the birth control in a desperate effort#to stop feeling terrible. but in this moment i feel alright. its wild to go from drastically unhappy to like lol wtf was that? anyway stop#being a bby loser. for no obvious reason. im gonna start the birth control again to see if i get depressed again or if that was just me lol#i dont think my therapist understands the depth of my executive functioning issues tho. bc im a grad student and can meet deadlines. like#let me tell u im a fucking disaster abt starting things. i will go back and forth and get nothing done forever. or i do things halfway and#make everything 30 times more difficult later bc no one else understands how my brain works#ah well. itll b fine. sometimes i just get freaked out that i wanna b better and i dont kno how to do that. so i spiral in despair a lil#ill b fine. im good at catching myself before i get too out of control. annoyingly tho i am not currently beating the bip0lar allagations#bc whatever tf is wrong with me i do probably fit the diagnostic criteria for bip0lar 2. i dont kno y that freaks me out so much. i guess#its bc it feels like something i cant just make better thru force of will and i grew up in a home that was very obsessively#health conscious to the point my dad gets anxious abt taking a single ibuprofen. so like ive been conditioned to get freaked out by#medication. literally my grandma will call me and tell me to b suspicious of doctors and to not take medicine unless absolutely necessary.#like lady u r the genetic reason i have 0cd shut the fuck up. also it feels like something that would more negatively affect how ppl think#of u than saying oh yea i get depressed or i have anxiety. like the connotation feels worse im used to just telling ppl whatever tf#my problem is. so the idea of holding something back feels weird. which annoys me bc i dont think there should b so much of a stigma. its#bullshit. anyway idk. im tired. i was trying to think of a comfort tv show with my therapist and all i could think was the terror#when im depressed i wanna watch those English mother fuckers suffer and die. i just lov that show so much. harry g00dsir my beloved. the#most me coded character to ever exist#unrelated
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#Seven’s Public Diary#vent post#vent#cw vent post#cw vent#cw health#cw medical#cw medication#cw death#death mention#after nearly 2 weeks of unexplained pain and Symptoms and working myself up into the worst panic attack of my life#i finally caved and went to urgent care :)#it’s not lost on me that the same thing happened a little over a year ago. not bc of the same symptoms but it’s the same fear of dying#smthn smthn if i had a nickel smthn smthn weird that it happened twice. i rlly hope this doesn’t become a pattern#i can picture it now. every spring i walk in and they’re like ‘ugh it’s the neurotic hypochondriac with 4 anxiety disorders again 🙄#wonder what they think they’re dying of this time!’#sigh. anyways i’m fine. probably.#the consensus was ‘no you’re Probably not gonna have a stroke and die. you’re just Very stressed and in a lot of pain.’#got diagnosed with Stressed Guy Syndrome so now i take ✨painkillers✨ and ✨muscle relaxers✨ 🙃#they wanted me to take a steroid shot too but that felt like overkill. it’s also a big step for me to be willing to take anything at all#not bc i’m scared of getting a shot in the neck i’m just. scared of medication in general. the side effects. the potential for dependency.#it’s only for a week but i’m still uncomfy with it. but it Is nice to be in less pain. tho i have my doubts that it’ll help long term#time will tell. but i still can’t shake the fear of the tiny chance that it Could be more serious. but it’s not big enough for them to test#for it so. just gotta live with the fear. which in turn is making it hard to relax. which is what i’m supposed to be doing. so.#anyways. i Hope the meds work and i don’t end up back there next week spending More money and seeking more treatment#sighhhh i just can’t catch a break these days. it’s Always Something#at least the electricity and internet are back on after the tornado last week. and at least i’m not in much pain for now. silver linings.#sorry to everyone i’ve unintentionally ghosted but it’s been hard to think through the pain and now the meds are making me eepy#hopefully i’ll recover and recharge my social battery sooner than later. bc i do feel v bad abt it#and it’s So nice to sleep without much pain so i’m. taking advantage of that this week. Seven Try To Relax Challenge 2024
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hi ive been sick so of course that means ive been thinking about kaeya being sick and sooo pathetic about it again
#crow.txt#kaeluc#genshin#snippets#fluff#slowly chipping away at this even more. Ugh#tbh the bulk of this was written like. last night and just now. i was letting the thoughts microwave with my weird intermittent fever#literally got two vaccines at once and got attacked by a secret third thing (the common cold for the first time in like 4 years)#it was somehow the best week i couldve picked to just COMPLETELY miss work apparently so its fine i guess#sidebote dont try to do taxes while sick. i didnt end up completing them but it was funny i even thought i was capable#is this comprehensivle is this legible idk i just want to make kaeya be miserable and forced to let someone take care of him abt it#that is soup for Me. in my Soul.#kaeya be like 'wtf treating me like a little kid' when he said he wanted to be taken care of in the summer event like 2 yrs ago#other people may have forgotten but i have Not i will Never. this man will complain about having adult responsibilities#and then when someone tries to take care of him or do things for him out of kindness hes like HAHA WAIT NOW HOLD ON-#little fool make up your mind. why are you so everything always#kaeya be like relying on someone for something under no guise of professional matters? in MY life? i dont think so#(diluc jean lisa and rosaria will remember this (and not let him get away with it))#and klee too but like shes little baby she doesnt even understand any of this and he would feel extremely mean rejecting kindness from#a little kid. so sometimes she brings him her funny little toast for breakfast and he says awwww thank you :)
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Just did a T shot for the first time in years!! I was so brave!!! Used a bluey bandaid too :-)
#i started t in 2017 but after a few weeks i started having an allergic reaction to the cottonseed oil used in it#started getting it compounded with a grapeseed oil suspension and it was fine! until 2019 i moved cities#the new compounding pharmacy would only fill a 6 month supply. id previously been getting 2 month supplies. it was way more expensive#but i was able to get the 6 month supply#2 or so weeks in. the vial fucking fell and shattered. T is majorly regulated and i wasnt allowed a refill for 5 and a half months#when i was able to get back on T i opted for the topical and was on it for years#it was great it worked great#a couple of months ago though my ocd got extremely bad and the contamination aspect of the topical just got to be too much to deal with#so i stopped T for that reason and another reason i wont go into. not important or transition related but i had my reasons#tried to convince myself to start the topical again but when i tried i just got way too anxious wbout the contamination still soooo#i found out theres silicone sleeves online you can get for vials to prevent breakage if they fall so i got an appt with the clinic#told them about all my concerns and stuff#tried to get the pellet implant first but they said i have to go somewhere else for that#may or may not follow up on that#but they were able to prescribe me the sesame oil suspended T and stuff so i cant do shots again#reason i did compounding before was the sesame suspension was more expensive for me at that point#but now its way cheaper for me than the compounded T#so ya this is the context for why i wasnt doing shots for years but now am doing them again#suprisingly enough i had a needle phobia before starting T#but it subsided pretty quickly for the most part when i started and the needle aspect of it all was never a factor for stopping injections#just the price and risk of losing months of T in an instant#i dont have my silicone sleeve for the vial yet but its in the mail. rn my T is safe and sound in a jjk pencil bag :)#tw needles#just in case#didnt expect to write so much in the tags lol
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this whole chunk of this course is about how college is different than it is in the movies. On GOD dude i KNOW what college is like. i /already have a degree/
#yeah ok this is not a great way to start this off#but frankly idek if i'm gonna manage to get in for the semester bc i am doing this all super last minute#bc i am bit of a dumbass and i've been dealing with the fallout of. everything. for the last few months#and my last day of work was less than 2 weeks ago#anyways the school is having a hell of a time trying to get my transcripts (which i have confirmation that they have received)#so i dont know if this is going to pull together#so i'm just gonna wait and do this course later#i'm sure its fine#lea speaks#vent#sorry for having a meltdown on your dash tonight#i am simply annoyed as hell
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Just me and my bowl of trick or treat sweets against my annual mental health spiral
#Spooky Season#Mental health#my mental health always gets bad in October. its like clockwork at this point#but who cares! im 22 which means i get to spend my money on stupid things like my own bowl of trick or treat sweets just for me#fighting seasonal depression one spooky candy at a time#guess what i spent my grocery money on this week? thats a joke i planned to lose my fight against the Halloween aisle this week#was a little treat for dealing with assignments my stupid new general manager shoe shopping and having to do errands today 😔#i went in 4 different shops cus i had to go to do different ones to buy stuff for my cousin who had a baby#and i was trying to find the spooky mason jar mugs i saw in Poundland like 2 weeks ago but they dont sell them anymore#so i ended up buying salt and pepper shakers by accident and then i still had to buy groceries which is fine#i just dont love the half hour walk back with heavy bags or dealing with people on my one day off from uni and work
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when i really needed a day off for mental health (two weeks ago) (after a family members funeral) i COULDNT take off. now that things have calmed down (at home and at work) my boss was like omg do you still need a day off
#text#like now it feels fucking pointless. i worked through like meltdowns for two weeks straight and now things are like fine.#I cried a lot but whatever i cry at everything#and like. it would just be a day wasted bc i wouldn’t be getting paid#idk i need to be paid more or else things will ACTUALLY get bad#i started there this day two years ago and haven’t gotten a raise🤩#like idk my job is objectively EASY so i shouldn’t be upset but like. my sister who works in retail is making $2 more an hour than me now#i can’t afford shit#everything ive been upset about just spirals and i literally cannot do a thing about it#whatever‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️
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I'm so tired of my job I wish I could kill myself in front of everyone and come back... I just want them to know how close to the end of my fucking rope I am I hate it there so much.
#i cant do a single thing right#i do what im told i do my fucking job yet i miss ONE thing and its the end of the world and im the mkst useless member of the management te#team im so upset all the time and never wantt to be there literally like 2 weeks ago i was fine and happy with my job but now im suddenly#not doing enough and my gm is pissed all the time#i literally cant do it anymore i need to look for aomewhere else but no where is going to have the pay im getting currently and ill#most likely hate my life more#i dont. dream of work i want to fucking work 2 days and be off the rest#i shouldnt die if i dont have a job i should lose myself and tbings around me its unfair that the world isnt built for people like me#i hate it all im constaly battling shit that doesnt make sense to me like whats the fucking point of sending this email that NO ONE CARES AB#ABOUT. and?????? whats the fucking point of it all stupid pleasantries and kindness gets you nowhere and life just fucking sucks#ugh
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Holy shit day really flew by cause omg my job actually gave me something to do /lh
#listen my testing set up is DEFINITELY not osha standard and incredibly unsafe BUT#took precautions to ya know not end up in the hospital again it's fine <3#context: shocked myself at work 2 weeks ago and ended up in the hospital cause uuuuuhhhh that was a full amp haha that's a lot more than-#- what's needed to kill a person soooooo my ass went to the hospital lmao dw I'm fine I just have a small scar on my thumb now#data log: personal
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#2 whole weeks sobeR let’s talk abt it#this the longest I’ve gone without a crumb of weed in my system in 5 yrs and the second longest in 8 yrs#For a long long time I thought I was self medicating the adhd but turns out I was making it Significantly worse#I have an attention span now I can watch tv without scrolling on my phone or playing w fidget toys#My apartment has stayed perfectly clean for the past 2 wks#haven’t rly struggled with eating or sleeping routines are v important wit it tho#been relying heavily on safe foods I’ve eaten the same exact thing every day for 2 weeks but it’s fine#ashwagandha helps me not wanna peel my skin off in rage#time moves INSANELY slower when ur not h*gh every waking second of the day these have been the Longest 2 wks of my life#but also I have So Much more time to do things and SO much more energy to do the things#I thought being anxious and exhausted was just my constant state of being but turns out that was Also just the weed#The insane nightmares have been The hardest part but most of the time my dreams are just weird#Feeling emotions is weird I’ve cried more in the last 2 weeks than I have in the last 2 years#I cry about good things I cry about beautiful things art as a whole is just so moving#self regulating after stressful things like work or staying with my parents is definitely New as w as decompressing after socializing w ppl#I do things like paint and journal and make silly little bracelets now#Idk man it just hasn’t been as hard as I thought it would be#A few months ago me and ******** were talking about how we’d actually k word ourselves without it#turns out the jazz cabb was making my depression and anxiety so much worse than it actually is#shits literally fine#Anyways don’t let ppl tell u u can’t develop an unhealthy relationship w weed I was h*gh every waking second of my day for 5 yrs#Last time I tried this I immediately became an alcoholic instead this time I don’t even feel the desire to have a single little drink#Overall I have A Lot more self control in every single area of my life#I don’t waste my money on dumb shit I can eat normal amount of food like a normal person#The thought of buying my favorite cookies and only having like Two of them used to be such an unreasonable concept to my little brain#I don’t know if this is gonna be a permanent thing I definitely know I can’t do it habitually#just like I learned I can be normal about alcohol if I don’t keep it in my house and only do it when socializing for special occasions#anyways if ur thinking about taking a break from ur favorite substance maybe give it a try#thx for coming 2 my ted talk if u read the whole thing I luv u take care of urself
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deeeeeep in autistic meltdown mode oh my god everything is happening so much and my new roommate who is a shitty tall skinny white guy who smokes an inordinate amount of weed is listening to horrible dutch rap in his own bedroom in a way where i can still hear it happening and my legs hurt so so so so so much and the painkiller hasnt kicked in yet and oh my god im about to start crying
#and the worst part is that rationally im fine but still#&&&&& i need to be distracted im in so much pain#& im technically ok w the fact that im this over my own limit bc i was helping ppl which is why everything took a lot longer for myself#and whatever my teacher (2 of them) need(s) a TA and i know how to work the knitting machines so i said id explain the kitting#so she could help out other students but then i actually also still needed help & so then i still had to draw a whole sleeve#and like brother im so discouraged also i did so much work this weekend based on the green light i got 2 weeks ago#but then today they basically ran back their green light which is so unbearably frustrating because theyd already seen everything#and said it looked good and fitted well#and i havent changed anything ive just made a lining but its the shell thats the issue with or without lining#and my leg huuuuurts
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