#an episode a day like its a problem now
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it’s coming along well (i’ve been watching so much ttg lately
#its not even funny#like so much#so much ttg#an episode a day like its a problem now#teen titains go#teen titans go#teen titans go robin#ttg#ttg robin#ttg robin proselytizing
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sooo glad we live in the universe where twdgs4 was rewritten to be about saving the school instead of the original lis2-esque on the road each-episode-is-a-new-location plot. really dodged a bullet there
dont know if it was due to the cuts and collapsing work environment (no budget for all the assets needed) or what but the school plot is just like the perfect setting for her to end her story. and we really almost got a plot about her.... just trying to make it back to her original house? oof
#my biggest problem with lis2 is that being on the road made a lot of your choices essentially meaningless#like wheres the threat of consequence when you know youll be gone by the next episode anyway?#the kids were originally gonna kick them out permanently.......Nightmare Scenario#the plot of her trying to get back 'home' is so silly honestly like its Just nostalgia/fan bait. convince me otherwise you cant#it makes no sense....she lived right outside a major city... that place is Not safe anymore#it wasnt even safe when she left it 8 years ago girl why would you go back#her finding a place to MAKE a new home and having to fight for it? with a community of her peers who love and respect her? so much better#shes a community leader now :) of a bunch of kids living secretly in the woods just trying to make a safe home for themselves#in a hostile world that wants them dead#love that for her#shes been managing adults since she was 11 and even before that tried to be a voice of reason. at 8 years old. community leader makes sense#s4 is just so narratively sound to me for clems character that i cant believe there was ever any other direction they wanted to go in#every time im thinking about how good s4 is i remember what it almost was......... and i am so grateful we got what we did#not only do we live in the universe where s4 is about the school but we Also live in the universe where s4 was un-cancelled :) yay#shit makes me so happy man. i remember clem is living happily at ericsons and my day is Immediately improved#these little fictional bitches in my head giving me free serotonin on command#it speaks#twdg
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How does one go about getting tested for MCAS...
#still trying to see a geneticist about EDS#and now because of long covid conversations talking about MCAS im realizing that may be a relevant problem to me as well#from BEFORE I got COVID#ive had idiopathic anaphylaxis episodes in the past but its been a few years since i had one#so idk if that rules that out#but i do have seemingly ever-changing food allergies/reactions too#like i went a whole year without eating red meat because everytime i ate it i had food poisoning symptoms after for a day or so#and have had constant gastro problems with seemingly random triggers since i was a teenager#also year round allergies#to what? idk#but i live my life sniffling with my ears and throat and skin itching all the time#and heat intolerance#and being seemingly allergic to my own sweat#idk it feels like im looking for reasons for it to be that because imposter syndrome but also with the pots dx#and then my rheum sending me for genetic testing for EDS cuz my labs show i have an autoimmune disease but no positive for anything specific#has me side eyeing in the direction of MCAS because i know how those issues all love to show up in a three for one bundle#ig ill wait and see how the genetic testing goes#cuz idk where to even begin for possible MCAS#and now having long covid too i feel like anything possibly related to that will get shrugged off#because doctors HATE long covid and things that are possibly related to long covid
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realizing that big boobs are the reason why i have so much back pain immediately destroyed the acceptance i spent years working on about how my chest looks. lol
#now that ik it causes actual physical problems it feels like theres a justified reason to hate them. so the dysmorphia is back STRONG#and like its been actually affecting me and how i live my life. a lot. its bad#esp bc ik theres a solution (surgery) so im like. hhhhhhhhhgn#dont get me wrong i want to get breat reduction surgery anyways. because the back pain part is real and its worse than the low self esteem#but id appreciate it if my brain could see it as just that- something that is heavy and thus causes me pain- instead of Thing That Makes Yo#Look Ugly And Built Wrong And Fat#all that is not helped by the fact that i lost weight and that makes the big chest look more disproportionate#cuz when i losing weight does Not make my chest smaller just my stomach/thighs#its the same thing that happened in the quarantine fueled depressive episode i lost an insane amount of weight and spent all day on tiktok#it made the dysmorphia skyrock it was awful#cuz when i lose weight* not losing
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by pure evil accident taob zuko's current mental state is the exact same as the one ive been stuck in for the past few weeks and that's a bit funny to me. like i started writing this chapter months ago and knew what i was doing with it even longer ago and suddenly ive manifested it into reality. we are both facing the horrors rn
#when the angry character finally learns to acknowledge their rage not as its own problem but as a coping mechanism to the problem#& faces at once the relief of finding the source of all this anger & the horror of realising that the anger itself was never the final boss#and it leaves them in a depressive state where they actually MISS the anger because at least that was active and - in a sense - dignified#whereas this just feels stilted and mopey and like each day is passing and you're losing time doing nothing#but you cant shake it anyway and wow im no longer talking about zuko!!!! we stay embarassing ourselves over taob!!!!#like i realised just now while staring off into space stirring my tea that the reason this particular depressive episode has hit me so hard#(aside the fact it's been a pretty extreme one and my paranoia has rlly flared up to the point ive felt honest to god CRAZY lately haha)#is because it's so DIFFERENT to how i usually respond to feeling like this#like normally my temper gets very quick and i completely isolate and i get mean and sharp#and i convince myself that everyone is out to get me and/or hates me and therefore i must manipulate everyone in my life#and ofc NONE OF THOSE THINGS ARE A GOOD RESPONSE. I AM NOT PROUD OF THEM#THEY ARE ALSO NOT NEARLY AS BAD AS HOW I USED TO BE HENCE I KNOW I AM GETTING BETTER#SLOWLY PAINFULLY WITH MY NAILS DIGGING IN THE DIRT BUT I AM GETTING BETTER ALL THE SAME#but STILL despite how awful those things are they're also very external. like i hurt the people around me in order to protect myself#and there's a dignity to that. there's more control there even if ultimately it's a lack of control causing it#like i have some fucked opinions from my upbringing and ik that like im quite a selfish person and it's bc i was raised to truly believe#that hurting others is always optimal over letting myself be seen as weak. like if my options are to hurt someone even someone i love#or let myself be vulnerable then sometimes i STILL will pick the former (it used to be all the time though <3 progress is progress)#and anger has always been sold to me as a very dignified STRONG emotion and it's how you're SUPPOSED to respond to badness#otherwise you're weak and a baby and pathetic etc etc#and just bc you know something is wrong doesnt mean you didnt internalise the fuck out of it anyway#like i will always see anger as the 'dignified' emotion and unlearning it regardless of that has been one of the hardest things ive done#('wow hella your own journey with mental illness is the literal exact same as taob zuko's-' i will hospitalise the both of us)#whereas currently ive just been sad and pathetic and oversharing to anyone who will listen and desperate for someone to look at me#and be like 'you're not okay' and to fix it FOR ME. like im not ANGRY im SAD and im not used to that response#AND GUESS WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS THIS CHAPTER BY PURE FUCKING COINCIDENCE?? LITERALLY WHAT#like it's been happening for a few chapters that we're finally moving from anger to sadness on my unofficial healing chart#ever since zuko's outburst with hakoda when zi se had that tantrum#but this is the first time we see Sad Coping Mechanism as a response to a problem instead of Angry Coping Mechanism#taob updates
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"My chest dysphoria isn't that bad" i say to myself.
My chest dysphoria contributing to the depressive rut i'm currently in: F̸̙̹͉͚̔̎͆̆u̸̩͈̖̫͑̌̃̂c̷̩͚̈́̔̊̒k̵̊̈́ͅ ̷͚̘̜͓̈̉y̵̫̣͋͌̇̂ͅͅo̶̢̟̗͝ų̵̘̯̖̒̽͝͝
#Its not the only thing. Theres quute a few other things#I havent been able to do stuff i like and messge my friends back#Usually i would watch anime i like thats coming out now but i havent for a few weeks now. I had enough motivation to watch the few#Episodes of dungeon meshi i missed a few days ago but thats all#Ive had that problem with video games. Bar one short play of botw a while ago i havent played anyrhing for at least a year*#*im not including mobile games here like pokemon masters. Although thats the only mobile game i have. Plus its easier bc of login rewards#Trans#Transmasc#gender dysphoria#tw gender dysphoria#cw gender dysphoria#gender dysphoria tw#transgender#chest dysphoria
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i love how werewolves can account for so many things. trans allegory. mental illness/mental disorder allegory. probably could go for neurodivergent allegory too if you ask the right people who think it that way
#metronome.txt#ever since i saw that one werewolf post about werewolves being an allegory for being selfaware of your mental problems#and fearing just because youre not currently a wolf doesnt mean its not still deep within#or something alone those lines cause i havent seen the post in a long long while#it like definitely changed something in my brain that made me go ohhhhh my god ok haha ok yeah i get it haha oh god yeah#and now im like#oh yeah. werewolves can def be an allegory for disorders. especially when they act up and when you feel awful about it#definitely a way i look at my bpd episodes now in days. have been for probably a year now.#also pretty much why i go 'oh yeah im a werewolf girlie' much akin to im a wolfgirlie or a doggirlie or whateverrr its part of the illnesse#but enough explaining what i mean about that shit. its just cool thats what it means to me#but its so cool seeing how to a lot of other people its a trans or gender kind of thing#and when i said neurodivergent i just meant like. knowing that youre different then most people deep down. its the alienation#if that makes sense#but thats again something youd have to ask someone who does see werewolves that way cause im sure theyre out there#they could explain it better
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#my digestive issues are literally under the most control they have ever been in my life and they are still ruining my life#woke up fine today. went to a coffee shop. had to leave after an hour#i had so many plans for today and now i'm stuck at home because i can't be too far away from a bathroom#i didn't eat anything that would trigger this. my gut just hates me i guess#earlier this month i have a risk food but i thought i took enough precautions to be safe and it fucked me up for like#2 weeks straight#i wonder what its like for people to not have to wonder about bathroom access every time they leave the house#i wonder what its like to eat normal foods without calculating how sick its going to make you#i wonder what its like to not have entire plans tossed out the window for reasons beyond your control#fucking sucks man#i hate ibs#in exchange for my terrible gut i do have a fantastic immune system somehow but weirdly that means i never take time off work?#ok so i am so good at just managing my issues that i just power through whenever im sick.#it's not like i can afford to take time off whenever i feel sick anyway and besides once you have to take multiple AP tests in high school#while in the middle of an episode you grow a lot of tolerance for being functional while sick#but then. i just i could have excuses to take days off because i have a cold or something. get a rest every now and then#but what illnesses i get beyond digestion issues are so slight that i can just. power through. i am never ill enough to take time off#and i get so worried that one day I will need that PTO that I can't convince myself to use it for like mental health days and ugh#this is more of a personal problem than anything but still. i wish i got sick like a normal person
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NO SERIOUSLY THE SMILE CAN BE SOMETHING SO SPECIAL... because the concept originates in violence, intended as a last resort when you're cornered, a psychological bluff that might give you the upper hand... so for Arakawa to be able to recontextualize that as part of how his family communicates (along the lines of what we've talked about with regard to their language) is really something.
Especially because like, while he has varying degrees of success instilling the concept into his men, it's pretty safe to say they would all know what a smile from him means, right? They're family to him. So if there's this mix of Arakawa starting to smile more around Jo subconsciously and Jo picking up on it, maybe there's this period of consciously pulling back and of not wanting to read too much into it, respectively...
But Eventually it's this wordless affirmation of Jo having a place in Arakawa's family. Maybe he can't really put it into words in a way that doesn't make Jo feel awkward (I mean, he can't even manage that with Ichiban, much less someone with issues around that as deep-seated as Jo's, right). But he can do that much.
And I know I KNOW this bitch never has any reasons to smile but if Jo ever smiled back..................................
Anyway. Happy birthday to your bro and I'm glad you had a good day yesterday! You deserve it :) Come to think of it, my dad was born in July... and my Bestie Group Chat (ft. my friend who initially encouraged me to get over myself and send you an ask lol) was founded on Tsutsumi's birthday...
THAT'S WHAT IM SAAAAYING LIKE FUCK MAN it can be something SO personal and something SO confusing at first so when everything Clicks....... bruvv.....
#snap chats#late to answering this SORRY was having a whole episode this morning#but yeah........ you get it...... its just a concept that makes me scream and i wanna do something with it SOOO bad.... drives me insane..#its just good... great even.... Literally So Personal and unique to them and ouuuugh#DEADASS jo aint ever got SHIT to smile bout... s'why them rare-as-all-hell smiles gotta be worth a million dollars#with that out of the way... For Now because it WILL stew in my brain forever..#july the day for EVERYONE god DAAAMN ironic as hell you made your group chat on his bday tho 😩#and speaking of bdays.... it is my bros bday today... and i feel like the biggest piece of shit (;´x`)#i told him i was leaving and i wouldnt be back until. //gestures vaguely// and he was just What 🥺??#IM SORRY BRO IM SORRYYY it just wouldnt end well i know it and so now im feeling so conflictedd#BUT THEN IT STARTED RAINING and listen i dont. HEAVILY believe in superstition or things like that#but bro every time it rains SOMETHING bad happens so now im just lost#but thats a problem for me to work out. with my sis. cause ill prob text her and be sad about it#for now ima deal with this minor toothache i got bruh OW??#ow. todays a painful day. and its only going to get worse this month cause its also my MOMS birth month#SEE EVERYONE BORN IN JULY absolute nightmare of a month.#in any case. ive just been sitting in a parking lot so i should prooobably go somewhere so bye for now :]]
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Thinking about how i had a not zero amount of symptoms that i never told adults about while i was a child. And now i just spend the foreseeable future not know what's wrong with me
#i had frequent vertigo as a kid. i dont think ive had as big of a problem now as an adult but i havent paid attention#i also had palinopisa episodes often as a kid and teen that i literally never told anyone about#i think the one thing that ik for sure still happens that stresses me out but is that#i will just...randomly have like some kind of dissociative amnesia#like ive been in multiple friendships where i am actively talking to the person frequently and i just. forget everything about them and it#can be scary because logically i KNOW im suppose to know this person but im struggling to remember their name or how we met#and multiple times i have just straight up forgotten that i am in a relationship. that i am dating someone and weve been together for 3 yrs#idk theres other shit but yeah i really never knew how to talk about that one as a kid and its still really hard to talk about it#cause usually i cant remember after working on piecing things together but other times i just...cant. but i know im missing info#and i mean i just had this happen to me again just the other fucking day#i forgot my coworkers name. ive worked with her for 5 or 6 months now and we talk nearly every other day#and i couldnt remember her name. HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT TO SOMEONE AND NOT SOUND LIKE YOURE JUST BULLSHITTING
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it feels weird not to say anything about it because I've been waiting in anticipation for so long and every other time they've released an episode I've gone bonkers on here. but I did not like the most recent inanimate insanity episode. I feel kinda disheartened by that and i hope that maybe i can go more in depth on it in another post soon about my issues with it after trying again on watching it a second time. i just feel kinda hollow with the feeling that i should be celebrating after waiting three whole years for one episode but at best im kinda meh, sigh, im kinda worried about the finale but im staying optimistic. im still a fan of the show and I still want it to succeed.
#inanimate insanity#i post this now and not the day of release because i wanted it to sit with me and maybe start feeling better about it#but it never happened so#there is parts of it i liked though that does better to rumanate#its weird knowing the creators are so online though and theyre probably checking the reactions#nothing against them or anything if theyre reading this#but im not going to walk on eggshells in my little space on the internet#i say as if im actually being blunt in any manor#maybe i will later#i am interested in what other people think of it#part of me really wants not to be alone on this but the other part really hopes that the episode did well anyway because i like the series#fandom problems ig#ii#ii 2#truth or flare#ii s2 ep15
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I need you guys to remind me when it's morning that I want to make a post for pinned post that actually. Does stuff. Like explain my sideblogs and ongoing projects.
Also entirely relevant in the meantime any house md fans plz send me ideas for things to write for the werewolf wilson au (currently named the www.au in my brain for ease of access) because I got a great name for a fic and I want to make it a oneshot collection because I don't have those as a skill yet and what better way to polish a skill than with a fandom I'm dubiously and cautiously entering at 45 minutes after my bedtime on a weekend
#Fyi I do have ideas already#Like. Wilson stuck in dog form bc of an early day moon attempts to help with a diagnosis#Or goes to be a happy dog playing with cancer patient kids who deserve a gentle giant dog who sits down and lets them knot his fur to hell#I have “cameron learns shes a changeling by contracting pixie cold” concept#And similarly a “chase has an identity crisis and begins to eat fossils in distress” one#where chase is too busy panicking about being magic now to kill that one patient in that one episode#Also. At least three case fic ideas#Including one where a lycanthrope contracts lupus because for some reason I find that irony vaguely funny#(however the fic itself is rather sad and ends w the patient being given enough meds to last one last full moon with her pack before dying#And then of course we get the “this is actually a story for the sake of our characters more than for the patient” bit#Where house corners wilson to ask if he's sure he's ok with only having house as pack when that girl had so many people for her#And wilson goes “if I could choose any one person to yell at me when I chew my own slippers it'd be you”#Its all soft and shit idfk)#However the point of all this is that I have a great name for the fic wherein I will collect all these oneshots#(the idea is calling it “who let the dogs out” btw)#((main concern rn is whether or not I'd tag theodog as a separate character from wilson or not bc they're the same person technically))#(((ehh. Problem for tomorrow ig)))
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SUDDENLY STARTED RAINING SO HARD WE ARE SO FUCKING BACK
#i was like huh whats that noise. bc i can normally NEVER hear anything over my headphones but it was the rain fucking shattering it down#my bed is WET the window was only open a few inches 😭#anyway had no signal at work again today smfh. but at least they let me on the bus free on the way there this morning#still a bit wobbly im in the baby deer phase of post major depressive episode#roommate asked how i was doing when she got home and i very very nearly started crying but i didnt i was so brave#my insane insecurity and anger swings post rsd episode have mostly faded too thank fuck. only took 4 days which is pretty good for me#but im still so so tired it takes everything out of me...#when im recovered + can talk abt it without making myself upset again im promising myself i will talk to her abt the rsd if nothing else#but i really really dont want to make her feel bad abt it at all its genuinely not anyones fault. but its important to me that i say smth#just so we can avoid it happening again where possible bc it does really suck so bad. for everyone im sure but mostly me here#and i would like to be able to care abt ppl and have close friends without risking my entire mental (+ physical..) wellbeing 😭#i think if im still struggling w mood once my meds stabilise i might ask if there are options to help w that too#like i think ive gone as far as i can w therapeutic techniques rn. its just too overwhelmingly intense and reflexive for me to apply that#and i dont feel like i live my life around it or in fear of it anymore like generally i have been a lot better#but when im vulnerable and it DOES strike i have no defense against it whatsoever and it can tank everything for weeks#its just high stakes. and it'll help to make sure ppl know abt it and might be able to support etc but it would be nice to never worry abt#so worth trying meds for it maybe. i just dont rly wanna have the conversations w medical ppl in order to get it in the first place#like i wouldnt feel safe telling a doctor abt it bc the idea of someone with that authority having power over me is terrifying#ah well this isnt a problem for right now. plus stimulants might help me w it anyway once im finished titrating so we'll see#got so distracted typing this i forgot what i was gonna do.... i need to check my planner#and then ill probably read and go to sleep early i think zzzzz#ahhh.. and the birds are singing outside now the rain has stopped :-)#.diaries
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eugh maybe i should ask about getting on different meds because as much as i like not being manic insane id like to have ANY motivation without deliberately skipping a dose. its not that my meds make me depressed but i think they pull me consistently just under a normal level of energy and motivation, which, as a full time college student with 2ish jobs and shit to do, is not ideal, i kind of need to be able to wake up in the morning
#its not depression i know what hard depression looks like in me#...although now that i think about it theres a chance that it is depression and THAT was a manic depressive mixed episode#either way ive felt GREAT today but thats offset by the fact that i know its because i skipped meds#and no i cant just go off of them entirely because if im Like This for days in a row i become insane and start doing Behaviors#i dislike being bipolar .#its not the worst of my mental problems but it sure is like second worst#(ptsd takes number 1👆👆👆)
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Okay but the weirdest thing about the whole "Brotherhood is better you should skip 03" discourse that's become commonplace now, it sort of forgets the world Brotherhood came out in and why you should watch the original Fullmetal Alchemist. When Brotherhood came out, the original Fullmetal Alchemist was one of the most beloved and most watched animes of all time. Brotherhood assumes you the audience have already seen it because of course you have, everyone has seen it, so it skips important information and speeds the story up because it doesn't want to bore you with things you already know. Have you ever wondered "hey why does the first episode of Brotherhood kind of suck, and why am I being introduced to like 50 new characters, and why are they acting like I know what the hell an alchemist is?" It's because Brotherhood thinks you've seen 03.
The first 7 or so episodes of Brotherhood constitute dozens of chapters in the manga, and the first 25 or so episodes of the original Fullmetal Alchemist. The Nina Tucker episode in Brotherhood, in FMA 03 takes up nearly three episodes. Yoki gets a backstory in 03 and it's genuinely one of the best episodes and taken directly from the manga and Brotherhood glosses over it because: duh, you've already seen it. And so if you skip the original you miss out on dozens of really great character building episodes like Ed and Al meeting Hughes for the first time and getting to spend a whole episode helping him free a train from terrorists, or Ed and Roy having a duel that expands on the relationship they have, or episodes where the brothers just help out random people in towns before the major story gets going.
The original also paces itself quite a bit better than Brotherhood and is more in line with the mangas storytelling. In the manga we don't find out about The Gate until nearly two dozen chapters in, and the same goes for the original anime. Like, that's a twist reveal in those stories, and it's weird that the most watched series is the one where they tell you all about The Gate in the first two episodes because they assume you've already seen the original show.
What's more, people don't know that Hiromu Arakawa helped write for the anime while she was still in the middle of writing the manga, and as a result was inspired to write scenes in Brotherhood that the anime did first. That scene of Edward getting impaled by a falling beam? Directly inspired by a similar scene in the original anime. There's a lot of little instances of that and they're great when you can recognize parallels and things in Brotherhood that are direct references to the original anime, but people don't notice any of that anymore. Because the original anime is just an automatic skip these days, and it's a bummer because people don't realize what a giant it was back before Brotherhood was released. They treat it as *bad,* not realizing it was one of the most beloved anime of its time and the problems people take issue with have a lot more to do with personal taste than any kind of actual flaw in the writing. Brotherhood was never meant to dethrone it, and the original anime was always supposed to be part of the viewing experience which is why those first few episodes of Brotherhood are so fast paced. So like, please stop telling people Fullmetal Alchemist 2003 is a skip, or it's bad, or you don't need it because Brotherhood is better. Regardless if you think Brotherhood is better or not, the original wrote Brotherhood's check. It was huge, it was beloved, and Brotherhood is *banking* on the knowledge you've seen all of it and loved it. And trust me when I say there is so much to love about the original series. It's still my favorite branch of the FMA franchise, and it's worth your time, I promise you.
#Fma 03#FMA#fullmetal alchemist#Fma:b#fullmetal alchimist brotherhood#fma brotherhood#Legitimately though the original is so fucking good#The music alone makes it worth the watch#Also the art direction is better fight me#mild spoilers
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things keep happening i need them to STOPPPP
#cliffnotes/.txt#well this one has been happening but#my phone is nearing its end i fear#honestly im surprised it kasted this long#its been over a year since the screen cracked#but the bottom of the screen starts flashing more and more frequently now#i used to be able to restart it and then it wouldnt flash for a while#but now its doing it ust about every day#which also isnt great if i do end up eating smthn i shouldnt (last time i did it wasnt anything that was on the list of what i couldnt)#and have a pain episode#i cant call or text anyone abt it#bc my screen will be going off like a strobe light and i wont be able to use the botatom half of the screen where yknow#the keyboard is#i also cant even touch it myself which becomes a problem if i start shaking like last time bc i wont be able to hold my stylus steady#its so dumb that itd cost less to replace the whole thing than just the screen#but my folks usually look at a shop w/ refurbished ones anyways so ig theres that
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